CheapShow - Ep 165: Bad Jackfruit

Episode Date: February 14, 2020

It's a blast from the past on CheapShow this week. After the cancellation of a planned guest, Paul had to reach out to a face that, although familiar to Eli and Paul, will be unknown to YOU! But who is this person? Why is he here and why has it taken 5 years to get that person on the show? Once the mystery is solved, it's another case of the usual CheapShow shenanigans, with a sweet Cheap Eats, a rather scat heavy Tales from the Shop Floor and a shouty take on Family Fortunes. Join us in the Tudor Crypt! (Soho Radio) @paulgannonshow @elisnoid https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-165-bad-jackfruit And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-165-bad-jackfruit If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid @sohoradio @graeme_l_casey If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Wanna help Paul write a book? https://unbound.com/books/ghosts/

Testing 1, 2, 3. 1, 2, 3, testing. Hello, it's me again. And what? Hello. Gets a bit reverb-y, doesn't it? It does get a bit reverb-y in the... When you go, ah! We're recording at the Soho Radio Studios today, ladies and gentlemen. Our abode when we have a guest.

It's our home away from home. It's our home away from home. This is like our caravan site. And it is a bit like being in a Tudor pub. It's a little bit like being in a Wetherspoons. Yeah, circa 2002. It's really like it. It's actually closing in on me. The fake Tudor walls are closing in on me.

What we need is like a bike on the wall or an old-fashioned lawnmower. You know what I mean? Or just a window. A window would be good, but we're underground. There's a window there. There's a subterranean window there. We're in the crypt. The crypt of Soho Radio.

That's what we should call this. We should call it the crypt now. All right. The Tudor crypt. Yeah, no, that's good, actually. I've got a confession to make, Eli. What? You haven't been recording?

No, I have been recording. Oh, that's good. Because we've been doing this stupid voice for three minutes. I do have a confession. And that confession is... You? Can I guess? Go on. And that confession is... You? Can I guess? Go on.

You fuck dogs? I've got two confessions. Two confessions to do today. No. So, you know, we usually get the crypt, the Tudor crypt, when we have a guest. Because there's no way... There's no guest? Do you know, we usually have a guest because...

Is this some kind of intervention? Mate, no, it's not. No one turned up. I asked. No one was like, ah, fuck him. Ah, fuck you. No. So, because we don't

bring any human life into the House of Pickles, right? Yes. It was worth considering using the Tudor Crypt as a place to have guests because Soho Radio,

lovely place, they've supported us, helped us record here. Thank you very much. And today we did have a guest planned. I won't mention who that guest was

because we'd like to have them back in the future and it's no fault of their own they can't come. But the Storm Celia, whatever it's called. What's the storm called? Storm Catherine. Kiera. Storm Kiora.

No. I'll be your storm. You're saying there's no guest? I'm saying there is a guest. But it's not who I booked. It's going to be an interesting show. Not in a negative way. It's just that I asked this person. This person said,

oh boy, howdy, I'd love to be there. And they're going to be here soon. Are they? Yeah. Are they really? Yeah, to play a collection of our usual fun and games on Cheap Show. Roll the fucking credits. What a cliffhanger. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse.

People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap Show. to fucking accept. Cheat Show. Cheat Show. It's the price of shite. Paul Gannonannon Eli Silverman

Welcome to Cheat Show And I go and I nuzzle You're being weird, I don't like it, this is really weird Who's the guest? I'm part of this podcast, yeah Paul Yeah Yeah And I think I should be privy to your fucking weird mind game weird. Who's the guest? I'm part of this podcast yeah Paul. Yeah. And I think I should be privy to your fucking weird mind games.

Don't you like games and surprises? I'd like to know as a fucking professional maverick podcast broadcaster. You can't be professional and maverick. It's like saying I'm a rule abiding anarchist. It's like saying that. I'm a professional maverick. Get over it.

You're not a professional. I've started a new group. Unless Tosspot is a job you can do professionally. No, Tosspot. We've gone back seven decades with the insults. Tosspot. You're a pillock. Yeah, you're a wazzock.

Wazzock now. Now they were talking. You've topped from me. Look, the reason why I'm keeping it a secret is because I think it'll be delightful. And I don't want to blow it. And they're on their way. Why won't you just tell me? They're at Waterloo at this point and they're on their way they're at

Waterloo at this point they're racing their way it's Annika Rice she's found the clue she's on her way right we're doing

the show then I just feel very strange and I'm probably not going to be very good well no every week you're not very good

you get by because a lot of people find your barks and growls and onomatopoeic nonsense quite alluring. Yes. You know what I've noticed today?

We're both sober and we're being quite verbose. I know, it's terrible, isn't it? Rippity flip flip, poppity pop pop. Speak for yourself. Rippity flip flip, poppity pop pop. Did you pass my iced tea over? Rippity flip flip, poppity pop pop. Boy, boy, boy, boy.

Are you okay? Are you okay? I'm in a good mood. Am I okay? Why are you in a good mood? I'm in a good mood. Am I okay? Why are you in a good mood? I'm in a good mood, mate. For what reason are you in a good mood? Iced tea with a monkey on a moon going fishing for a peach.

Thank you. Now, Eli, we've been talking about this on the podcast before. You like drinking piss out of bottles that look like green tea or tea. Well, this proves the opposite to be true, Paul, doesn't it? Iced tea. I think we can both agree, isn't some iced tea. And this is iced tea that would be right up your alley. Why?

You're such a cunt. Why? It's very sweet. Taste it. No. Taste my iced tea. That's what this whole show's meant to be about. No.

And now we've turned into it. It used to be, no. It used to be about, yeah, we'd get something, we'd share something with each other, and we'd taste it. We'd both taste it. That's so creepy as fuck. We'd both taste whatever the other guy brought.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, and that's what it was about. Because we needed both the opinions. The listenership need both the opinions, yeah? All right, well, first of all, can I ask... Now, it's just me producing something delicious, usually, and you go, No, no, I don't drink it. I don't drink it. All right, I'll drink it's just me producing something delicious usually and you go no no i'll drink it i'll drink it i'll drink it i don't care i don't care i didn't care for it it

was fine give it here then i'll test i'll taste your piss is it peach iced tea yes right it's a bit sweet for my liking but it's all right when it's cold i've got it's spring peach oolong tea drink. What's oolong? Oolong is a type of black tea as opposed to green. Chinese black tea. Like a regular tea some people would know what that is, I guess. No, not really. I don't think there's a real category for it in the West. But it's a delicious tea.

Oolong has all sorts of different... Oolong. Oolong tea is great, man. I was thinking of a gag, but I don't know. Oolong should be funny. It's like oolong, ooh, my long dick. Oh, it's good to think about that. Oolong tea is great, man. I was thinking of a gag, but I don't know. Oolong should be funny. No, it's like, Oolong, ooh, my long dick. Oh, that's a good thing about that. Oolong. Oolong dick.

That's what she says when I'm giving her it. Oolong. You could go with a character you like right now called Oolong Dick. No, I'm not. Go on. That's, no. Is it? Is it?

Is that the line? You've crossed it, mate. Is it? You've crossed it. You won't do a character called Oolong Jake on this show for some reason. No, I will not. Anyway, let me sniff your Oolong. Right.

Oh, and I can taste the peach. You can smell the peach. It's very sugary. You'll like it. Do you know what's funny about peach? You know peach has that fuzz around it, right? It's funny because all of this stuff keeps going back to Parasite, which I saw yesterday. And you highly recommend.

There's a whole peach thing in it. It's weird. Anyway, so you know peach has that fuzz and you taste the fuzz when you bite into the flesh. Mate, it's weird. That's a central plot point. Oh, is it? Well, I'm thinking

you can smell the fuzz on this peach. It's good flavour. It's just a bit sweet for me. Taste it. I'm tasting it now, ladies and gentlemen. You're right. It's a little bit too sweet,

but that is a lovely, lovely drink. Yeah. With some ice. It'd be nice to have ice with it. Oh, ladies and gentlemen, what a lovely drink. Now, coming up on the podcast today, we have our secret special guest. And I'm excited.

I don't like it. We have a cheap eats section. Eli's brought in cheap eats. And there is a new segment of the show called Paul's Pastimes. Right. Where I go to a board game shop and I buy a board game. That sounds a lot like Alan's Garland Games. And what we play

the game that you bought. How is that different? Paul's Pleasant Pastimes. Paul, I'm happy to accept if it is truly another segment. Because you know you're the segment colour. The segment that will not speak its name. Which apparently you invented. Yeah, anyway, this is called

Paul's Past Times and it's a very different game. I protest. You haven't... Now, what I just want is a quick rundown of where it differs from Ganon's Golden Games. Well, firstly, it doesn't. Secondly, it won't.

You can't. Fuck you. I've got a new segment. It's called Eli's Rare Heirs. Rare Heirs? Rare Heirs? Rare Heirs. Think of it what you like. Right, it's about you looking for very obscure lineages

within large royal families. Yeah? Eli's Rare Heirs. It's just my segment. All right, then. It's exactly like Silverman's Platters, but it's just called Eli's Rare Heirs. All right, then we'll have a segment called Eli's Rare Heirs,

and I'll do Paul's Pleasant Pastimes. Oh, his Pleasant Pastimes. No, they might be. I will be the judge of whether it's pleasant or not. Do you know what? It isn't. You've ruined it. You've sullied it.

I haven't sullied it. You've sullied everything. I just got tired of you going, go, go, go. I can still say that. You can't because the section's now called Paul's Pleasant Pastimes. I don't know what else you need. Paul, in all honesty, you don't think I'm going to find a way of saying that in an annoying way? He's got a point, ladies and gentlemen, hasn't he?

Look forward to that, everybody. In that case, this is the segment with no name. We're Paul Gannon. No, we know what the segment with no name, the Dern Speakest Thou Name is. The Source Reports. Dern Speakest Thou Name. Hey. Oh. what the segment with no name that daren't speakest thou name is the source report daren't speakest thou name hey

oh I tried to say this five minutes ago you totally you don't listen to me do you what who are you

go on then take the reins you invented the source report apparently yeah due to someone on twitter who said in episode 11

or 10 I mention a source and we review it and I said this would be a good segment and you were like I'm making this up It won't work!

It won't work! It's sausage! A ruffle ruffle ruffle! That's how I now remember it going So Paul Gannon once again invented a section of the show that Eli took credit for Has Eli ever done anything on this show of credit? The answer is no

He doesn't do nothing. I think Teen Yeti, I mean, come on. Mate, have you heard the rumour? What? Teen Yeti's going on The Masked Singer. Except the trick is, he'll just go on as himself, but people will think that's a mask. It's a mask, but it's actually Yeti face.

It's actually his real Yeti face. Beautiful Yeti face. Now, you can't pretend to go on stage as a Yeti, because that's doing Yeti face. You can't do Yeti face you can't pretend to go on stage as a yeti because that's doing yeti face you can't do yeti face no that's what sasquatch was accused of he was accused of yeti face well he is now dead and uh his his memory will live on in the annals of cheap show history look now we're talking shop right um i had this thought this thought. You know, that's the next little playlet we should do. Yeah.

It should start off like a documentary. We're doing all our creative thinking on the podcast now. Yeah, why not? Cribs. It's like Cribs, but it's Mount Groppans, yeah? It's a tour of Mount Groppans. Right. But it starts off like that, but then there's an incident.

Oh. Like halfway through the filming, yeah? So it's like a disaster film or something? Yes. Mount Groppans. Like an earthquake. Yes. Or like a Poseidon adventure. But it starts off, the framing device. Mate,? So it's like a disaster film or something? Yes. Like Earthquake. Yes.

Or Poseidon Adventure. But it starts off, the framing device, is like Cribs. Come to my house. Don't, you can't do the voice. I'm just doing an impression of Yeti. I'm not doing Yeti face. I'm just doing the voice. Don't fucking try it.

And so what? There's an earthquake or something and they have to escape? Well, we'll discuss that off mic, Paul. Think about it. Look, as an idea, if we do a disaster episode, disaster film episode, think of how many characters we can get rid of in one fell swoop.

Yeah, totally. We can kill them all off. We can kill them all off. That's what really appeals to you about the idea. That's what also will work well with the audience. And also Mount Croppans itself could be destroyed. We're talking about a total restructuring of the House of Pickles geography. Roland Emmerich-style cheap show episode.

An epic on a cheap budget. Where's this guest? I really, I feel weird, man. Come on. I'm just waiting. Are they coming? Leicester Square. Leicester Square.

And it says, and I'm not wearing underwear. I don't know what that means. Who do you think it is? They're at Leicester Square. They're a million moments away. I, is it? I don't know. You excited?

No, I feel fucking weird. It's really intimate in here. There's going to be, I feel fucking weird. It's really intimate in here. It's going to be embarrassing. I'm feeling embarrassed already. Right, well, I just want to make do some admin while you're having embarrassment. One, the awards are still now open. If you want to follow the awards and get involved

and nominate for things like Best Episode, Best Moment, Best Eli Rant, etc. The awards show is going to be live, isn't it? It's going to be live on YouTube in June. I'm working that out. That should be a lot of fun with some big-name guests. And I don't mean stars. I mean, like, Afalopagus Copalopadopagus.

He'll be there on the show tonight. Who's that? He's a big-name guest. And, yeah, what's his name again? Angelopoulos Chopalopadopagus. Yes, that's very close. It was just the point. It wasn't a real name.

I know. We all, that's very close. It was just the point. It wasn't a real name. I know. We all know that. Shut up. So, if you'd like to nominate, get involved on Twitter, first of all. There's going to be a link on our website when this episode goes out, thecheapshow.co.uk. But if you want to nominate, go to at projectcheapsk8. What are you fucking laughing at? Is it because I can remember salient information?

I won't remember that. You don't remember anything. I haven't even remembered that. You don't remember anything. I do. You drug-addled pisshead. Fuck you. I remember I'm better at recollection than you are. No, you're better at wrecking your erection more like.

How do I wreck it? Bash it to bits. Yeah, jack it. Fucking smash it like a baked potato in an angry man's hand. I'll serve you some jackfruit. Now you're just saying things. I'm not. No, that's like w hand. I'll serve you some jackfruit. Now you're just saying things. I'm not. No, that's like wanking.

You have to eat my jackfruit. Fuck off. The fruit of my jack. Oh, lady. The fruit of my jacking, Paul. Oh, this lady came round the other day. She gobbled down my jackfruit. Yeah, exactly. I'm not doing it.

I'm not calling it jackfruit. This is what this lady came around. You know what the problem is? The problem is I do like that jackfruit. You like jackfruit? Yeah. No, I mean, the idea of it. I like the idea of splashing someone you love with your jackfruit. This lady came around. You know what the problem is? The problem is I do like that, jackfruit. You like jackfruit? Yeah. No, I mean, the idea of it. I like the idea of splashing someone you love with your jackfruit.

I know. We all love that idea. But I mean, yeah. Yeah. Went nowhere. What else? What else? What else?

No, the awards. That's it. Live show is still trying to work out. I'm still trying to figure out a venue. So, yeah, that's going to be easier said than done. It's going to be fun. Fun, fun fun fun fun but for now

all attention why are you in such a good mood all attention must go it's not working for me there's you in a good mood thing all the attention must go towards Rhiannon's account

for the Cheap Show Awards at Cheapskate SK8 no no is it Cheapskate Project Cheap that

at Project Cheap SK8 I'll edit it so you won't sound like a moron. Yeah, good. Let's just check what's going on.

We've got to get the segments in. We don't have enough time. They're going to boot us out at six. What time is it? It's 20 to five now. We'll have a full hour with our guest. A full, chunky, hot hour. So shall we crack on with the show as our guest nears its approach?

Well, we've got to do all the segments with the guest, I thought. We're going to do them, but we're just going to get... This is all the preamble, the admin. Oh, shut up, you whinging, hairy baby. Oh, shut up. You do. Where's my fucking charge cable? Can I borrow your charge cable, please?

No. Please. No. Come on. No. Eat my jackfruit. Yeah, you can. Thank you.

All right, well, let's Eli charge his phone. And we'll see you after the sound effect. And you charge your glasses. Ooh. It's sound effect. Ladies and gentlemen, Eli, you ready? What are you doing? Eli's playing with drugs, boys and girls.

He is. Look, he's put it all away. Quickly. Oh, you stunk the place out, naughty boy. Smells like marijuana in here now. Oh, shut up! Shut up! Anyway, would you like to see our guest now? Yes.

All right, ladies and gentlemen. You're not going to know who it is, but we do. Here, I'm going to get the guest now. Oh, he needs a piss. Go for a piss. All right, he's going for a piss. So, it's a man boy. Yeah.

It's a man child. You know that as much. Right, so, that's really anticlimactic. You're terrible. Literally there. Call yourself a maverick broadcaster. There's a curtain. I was going to go, oh, remember this?

Well, edit it out then. Snip, snip. I've edited it out. No, you haven't. I did. That's the snip, snip. Snip, snip. I've edited it out.

No, you haven't. I've gone mad. I've snip, snip. I've edited it out. Mate, I'm killing time the best I can. I know. But it's terrible. While our guest drains their Jimmy Riddler. Why don't you speak about something interesting it up. Mate, I'm killing time the best I can. I know, but it's terrible. While our guest drains their Jimmy Riddler.

Why don't you speak about something interesting? Exactly, you've got nothing. Have you got anything? There's nothing inside you. Have you got anything? There's nothing of interest inside you. Do you have anything? Yeah.

Go on. Er. Hmm. Ooh, go on. I can't think of anything. Stop doing fucking impression of me. It's hollow. Hollow, hollow. Stop. My mouth does not look like that when I speak. Stop doing a fucking impression of me It's hollow Hollow

Stop My mouth does not look like that When I speak Oh I don't know What your mouth looks like Is what's covered in your Rotted fetid dirty beard You just look

Fucking hell You look like the worst Muppet ever made You look like A fucking Truck driver Great work Mr Silverman

Leaving Dover More bon mots You've got to let it cook with me yeah you've got to let it cook yeah oh right shut up here's the guest do you know this man Hey! Hey! How you doing? You all right? Can you take a seat behind the mic?

Hey, man. Thank you very much. Now, everyone listening at home is going, who's this? Hey! Are they going to have a hug? Oh, good morning. Eli Silverman, meet our guest, Graeme Casey,

one time. Ooh! One time. How you doing, mate? You all right? Very well, thank you. Sorry it took so long to get here. My goodness, awful, awful.

We're underground, aren't we? We are underground. We're going to drown. Are we? Yeah, it's just raining out there. It's horrible, man. Well, hopefully we can use the art students and fashion students outside as sandbagging. Do you know what's weird?

We put them up against the door. There's a whole flood thing in Parasite as well. In Parasite? Yeah. What's Parasite? The film Parasite yeah the fucking film I saw the Korean film I saw yesterday by uh Oolong

really I'm sorry anyway ladies and gentlemen just so you know uh Graham Casey welcome thank you

is from our roots he is from I can't stop doing racist accents tonight it's troubling he's a bit sodden he's a little bit sodden Graham Casey

and Eli and I were in Rogue's Handbook the sketch show we did improv for years at the brew house all of it good all of it gold standard

some of it was actually very good it was actually there's bits of it on YouTube still really on YouTube Rogue's Handbook

or Laughing Cavaliers Laughing Cavaliers there's bits of it. Which generation? The later years. Oh, really? Yeah. The years when you weren't there, it would be me, Eli, and John Lane.

Yeah. So it's not our best. I think there's one where you had to do a song, and in the end, you just went, poo, poo, poo, a poo on your head. That was it. Really? Yeah. That's the one So we did Gears of Improv

Stand-up comedy we intermingled, there was Roke's Handbook that's also on YouTube Do you know the horror show we did? Bumper Book of Horrors Bumper Book of Horrors. I know, I've got a recording of that one. Yeah, that's on YouTube I had a different angle, I had to put a camera up and stuff like that. Oh sweet

Was that the one where we spent ages working out that sort of callback gag oh the time travel yeah that got stuffed up on the one time we were recording it

by Eli I fucked it up it's one of my favourite moments I fucked it up it's there forever great anything else every other night

it worked absolutely perfectly the one time we were bloody recording it you're there going hang on nothing great out here what's going on we're're like, it's fine. Just do it. I think his quote was

exactly, fucking line. Like that. And then he was saying it awkwardly and there was awkward laughter in the audience as no one was trying to figure out what was going on. And then he went, oh, I'll just go then. And just walk off. Do, do, dee, do, do, yeah.

That's the episode that's on YouTube right now with your bon mot. Well, whatever. At least I've failed. All you do is fail. You've made a career out of failing. Oh, dear. So, we're all fit as a fiddle.

Have you gave up smoking? I have, I have. I've now spent more of my life as a non-smoker than a smoker. Really? Yeah, yeah. Because I smoked from 16 to 38, so that's 22 years. It's been over six years now since I quit. So I had to be quit for six years to have more of my life as a non-smoker.

I see, you're not smoking concurrently. No, Christ. Now cut this. This is all wacky Brexit talk. This is all Brexit logic. Is it? I don't know. I'm trying to be current. I remember saying that to my wife at the time,

saying like, you know, I won't actually, I'll have to wait until I'm, I think it was 44 or 45 or something like before. It was 44. Yeah. And she was like, that makes no sense.

It's like in my head, it's a big, big thing. So I've invited Graham along to join us. This is amazing. Because I thought it'd be about time to have Graham on the show. We've been wanting to have you on the show for years. I think it's nice that you waited nearly five years,

which is sweet, really, because obviously that means more. No, come on, mate. You know, you're doing your... Eli had told me his exact words. I don't want that cunt on the show stealing my limelight. Because that was the warning, wasn't it? Graham cunt on the show. No,elight. Because that was the worry, wasn't it? Graham Cunha on the show. No, it wasn't.

And then everyone likes Graham. Hang on, hang on. I felt a little bit like that because we're talking about the old days. It was you and I who started off together. That's true. And then you brought in Eli. Yeah, so who's the cunt? And that, no.

Who's the cunt? That's what we did. That pissed me off because you brought in Eli because up until then, I'd been the funny one. And then he was the funny one. Oh, that's very subjective. And then... High five, Graham.

Fuck off. No fucking high five, man. And then, yeah, but it got worse. You can fuck off. You're done. Because then you brought in Adam, which was annoying, because up until then, I'd also been the good-looking one. Oh, God.

He's like a god, that man. I didn't realise how demented you both were, how you see yourself. It's so wrong. You can't both be the ugly one. No, shut up. Right, so... We're going to play some games? We are, but I wanted you to read out,

and it's a... Ooh, I've got a present. Oh, have you? Yeah, this is... Can I get it? Yeah, go for it. Right, OK. Because I'll let you...

Let me get that while you're doing that. All right, because what I have here is something... Because obviously you're the noodle king. I certainly am the noodle king. Thank you. Any props where they're due? I was given something by my dad several years ago now. And I said I'd give it to you.

I remembered. It's been in my drawer ever since. They're apparently quite spicy. I don't know if it's a make you know. Why, why noodles? Yeah? No. At least they're not going to be any good, though,

after all this time. That's why it's one of the things about instant noodles. They keep forever. Yeah? No. At least they're not going to be any good, though, after all this time. That's why there's one of the things about instant noodles. They keep forever. Yeah. I think it's like it's the best before, but you can eat them whenever. Yeah. It's that type of food stuff. It's a dry, it's a totally dry thing.

It's a totally dry experience. This is a YY Express noodles, Masala Delight. How express. Apparently quite hot. My dad said it's quite quite hot My dad likes curry So yeah It's a two pack I think it's a two packer It's hard to say

There is something in there There's a sprinkly thing in there That's good isn't it There's times There's times When I would have gone to that And eaten it And I didn't

I thought no It's free like So I got you a little present As well Graham We got you one A little present What has he got Ooh

What is it It's one of those Knock off game boys Oh sweet With like 500 crappy NES games on Oh cool man, thanks So you've got Mario 1 and 2 and 3 And 18 and Mario 72 and Mario 46

They're on there Oh sweet What do you mean Mario 46? I've got a little mini version of one of these That the boys use Oh yeah And I've also got an old Nintendo Game Boy But it's like the The micro Boy, but it's like the

The Micro. Yeah. It's like the slightly thicker one. SP. Clamshell. Nah. Game Boy Advance on its side. Yeah. That sounds about right. I've got one of those and that's also got like a multi-cartridge in it. It's got full of games. The boys play that, but now they've got a Switch. Switch is great. I'll play that.

That's fantastic. That's got a few interesting games like Goonies is on there and I think Back to the Future and Chippendales on there. Oh, Champion, thank you. But also it's got a bunch of like Russian puppy block maze. You know that kind of thing where it's like,

it's called Roffy Roff Roff and it's like a little dog pushing. Is that Roffy Roff Roff, really? You know what, I looked at you and just the words Roffy Roff Roff came to mind. So there's loads of shit on there,

but it's, you know. Yeah, brilliant. No, thank you. I'll have a go at that. So that's a little present. But Eli, I want you to read this out, because it's quite long. Right.

But I do think you'll love this. This is what we will call one of our... Is this Tales from the Shop Floor? This is one of our atypical Tales from the Shop Floor, where you... I have a Tales from the Shop Floor. Oh, mate. Well, that's... All right, excellent.

All right. All right, excellent. We'll do this one first, yeah? All right, go on. Now, last time, Graham... Yeah. It's nice for the people when they write in to say hello to us. He gets so upset when they say, hi, Paul, and don't mention him at all.

He said hello, Paul, last time, and there was no hello, Eli. That set him off on the wrong foot with me. Fair enough. Then I had to be ultra critical of his prose style. This one is already off to a better start. Right, great. I'm glad for that. From Eric Schneider.

Yeah. High guides. So even you are Right, great. I'm glad. From Eric Schneider. Yeah. Hi, guys. So even you are included, Graham. That's sweet. Did we say hello to Schneider? Hello, Eric. I have an odd Tales from the Shop floor for you. Are you going to read it at that speed?

Because we're going to be here a while if you are. Well, could you shut up and read it the way I fucking read it? You know what? And I'll vary the fucking speed. I'll vary the speed, Paul. Yeah? Yeah, I don't give vary the fucking speed. I'll vary the speed, Paul. Yeah? Yeah, I don't give a fuck, mate. I will vary the speed.

Just content. Just get on with it. I used to work for a very large bookstore chain here in the US. The one that has in-store Starbucks cafes. Do we know which one that is? It could be a Barnes & Noble. Walgreens, I think.

Yeah. Are they called Walgreens? I don't know. They're not called Walgreens. Wall Books. Books. Narrow it down to... I don't know which one it has, but it's definitely a chain that has Starbucks in.

Yeah. Now, I live in a town in Florida that is a big spot for rich retirees to settle, so a lot of our traffic was old people who would lounge around the store reading books they were never going to buy while swilling down cup after cup of bad coffee. I don't know if you've ever done the math, but

incontinent old people plus caffeine equals frequent uncontained botty boom booms. Is that what he thought? I like botty boom booms. Botty boom booms. Especially as the calf was all the way at the front of the store while the restrooms were all the way at the back.

Old people's legs don't move nearly as fast as their colons do on 16 ounces of cafe americano. So code browns were a pretty regular occurrence. So if you're sitting there in that bookstore, and over the tunnel you hear, we've got a code brown, we've got a code brown, come on down.

That means an old person shat their kegs. Yes. Excellent. We've got a really coded floor. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please say that more often. I actually have a cough.

Do you have a cough as well? I do. I've got a chest infection. Yeah, this is better. I swam here. Yeah. God, it's like fucking... It feels more like an old folks' home.

Well, it's good that there's stories about old people then, isn't it? Yeah, and you two cough, and I expect a Code Brown any minute. Old people's legs don't move nearly as fast to recap, Paul, as their colons do on 16 ounces of Cafe Americano. So Code Browns were a pretty regular occurrence. Great. Oh, Jesus. So this is what's going to happen now.

You're going to say the same sentence over and over to recap, then cough, and then recap. So regular, in fact, were these Code Browns, that we had an actual rotation for clean-up duty. I lived in dread of having my name come up in regards to cleaning up one of these rectal holocausts. Nice. I've seen that banned live.

Fortunately, I, through some miracle, only ever had to deal with one of these situations, but it was a weird one. Oh, here we go. You set it up. When the inevitable... Schneider's got a bit of... He's got chops, doesn't he?

With the writing. Yeah. Boom, booms. What was it? Boom, boom, party. Botti boom, boom. Botti boom, boom. That's got a real ring to it.

You know what's difficult? It's getting past the pop cards. Yeah, I know. It's a bit of pain in the arse. That's fine. I'm a professional maverick. You are. You're a professional maverick broadcaster.

I like how you said he's a professional man. So, we all know what's going to happen now in this story. Yes. We're looking forward to scat times. This is his one time that he had to deal with it. Right. When the inevitable call from my manager came

that there was a situation in the men's room, my stomach immediately twisted into knots. She didn't specify what the situation was before she hung up on me, so my imagination was left to run wild. Sorry, but you work at a bookstore and someone calls up and goes, there's been a situation.

Get down to the toilet now. I've got no time. Yeah, you start thinking all sorts of things. No, but it's obviously because they just shit themselves the whole time because they're drinking coffee. It's a bunch of old incontinent shitters. Yeah, but it's Barnes & Noble, not fucking the Pentagon.

Okay. Run wild. Yeah. I made my way toward the restrooms like a man on his way to the gas chamber. God, Holocaust gas chamber. Yeah, fucking hell. Very dark. It's the email at stormfront.com i'm trying to think what the logo is above the shop as you're walking or something schneider's good pro style but i mean

that is that is too many allusions to a horrible moment in history okay gas chamber. No, no. Just get on with it so we can ride over this moment. As these anal mishaps usually ended up on the floor, I kept my eyes downward and squinted halfway shut as if that would keep me from seeing the full horror of what awaited me. The carpet on the way to the restrooms was clear. Likewise, the tile in the hallway leading to the restrooms. I stopped at the men's room door, took a deep breath and pushed my way in. No.

No. Oh, maybe. Fingers crossed. No. Still no sign of the situation my manager had mentioned. I swung open the door to the first stall. It's like a horror film. Empty. The second stall, the same.

Oh. This left the palatially spacious handicapped stall that took up the entire back end of the restroom. That's where all the biggest crimes happen. This was. You need room to move. Well, that's the thing. It's always the people who shouldn't be using a disabled toilet who leave the most disaster

afterwards. I don't know what you're theorising here. You're talking about personal experience. Yeah. Is that where you go for your messy socks locks? Is that what you do, Paul? Some people know they're going to have a bad time, and if they can see a disabled toilet... They'd rather go in there.

Because it's big, and no one else will come in, and there's privacy, and they can wreck the joint and get out. If they're really constipated, there's handrails. Yeah. There's a lot in there to help the... Mate, this is just terrible. The anarchist crapper.

What do you mean this is just terrible? You. You're just... You're patter. Fuck off. Sorry. Get on with the story.

He opens the third door. Oh, this is good though. Well written, this, isn't it? Yeah. They're going for it with the literary allusion stick now, aren't they? So, third...

No, he's got to the... Last door. No, it is the literary allusions. I like it. So third. No, he's got to the last door. No, it is the handicapped one. Yeah. The palatially spacious handicapped store. This was it. The only place left where the mess could be lurking. I pushed the stool door inward, my stomach rolling. I forced myself to look at the tile before me.

But still, there was nothing. Was I being pranked by my manager? Where was the brown starburst of diarrhoea? The steaming pile of shame? There was no sign of faeces anywhere on the floor or walls or even the ceiling. That's when the smell hit me. There was definitely shit in the nearby area.

I finally turned my attention to the toilet, which I'd been ignoring as I was certain the mess would be anywhere but where shit actually belongs. True. What I saw disorientated me for a moment as it took my brain a few seconds to process what I was seeing. What's going on? I'm frightened.

Sticking out of the bowl was a suction cup on a stick. Like a Dalek was trying to climb out of the sewer through the handicapped toilet. As my brain cleared the fog of terror of an impending fecal encounter, I realised I was looking at the inverted toilet plunger

sticking straight up out of the toilet bowl. I stepped closer and saw something I to this day cannot explain. There, cresting the water in the toilet bowl was what had to be at least a 15-pound pile of shit with the handle of the plunger sticking out of it like excalibur someone had dropped an unflushable rhino sized pile of poo in the toilet and then desperately tried to ram it down the hole using the only thing to hand

the plunger handle numbed by the bizarre image and animal stink before me i pulled the plunger out of the mound and chucked it into the nearby garbage can and began painstaking process of flushing the toilet again and again while making sure that it didn't overflow, stepping away occasionally to get a lungful of untainted air until bit by bit the island of misbegotten faecal material disappeared down the drain. My mind still cannot fathom how that massive amount of turdage could have ended up there.

Surely an unpassed movement of that size would have hospitalised whoever was carrying it around in their colon. Surely they had a more appropriate place to be than a bookstore when it eventually dislodged itself. Maybe it was an elaborate joke, but who could carry

around a 15 pound bag of shit in a crowded bookstore and go unnoticed and why dump it in a toilet instead of on the floor somewhere else where it would make more of a statement be more difficult to get rid of i'll never know maybe you guys can puzzle it out between paul gagging and eli seeing i made the whole story up thank you eric up. Thank you, Eric. It was very well written, wasn't it? Very well written. And almost well told. Oh, shut up, Paul. So, do you know what my theory is? And I hate

to bring it up. I'm a bit ashamed to bring it up. What's your theory? I think it was a very, very, very portly gentleman who used it to say the toilet rules. That's what I would have said. And he dropped two weeks' worth of Domino's pizza. Those super, super obese people. You know, they're presumably floated out. Yeah.

Like he came out a thin man. Wow. Just look for the person with the extremely baggy clothing. Oh, that's the fella. Or the guy walking like a gunslinger. Oh, I'm grown. Oh, man. That's quite disgusting. I do have one. Yes. I Oh, I'm grown. Oh, man. That's quite disgusting.

I do have one. Yes. I do have one. I've actually held on to this story for years, isn't it? Because this is a tale from a shop floor, but it's from when I was working on the ducks. Oh, yeah. Give us a little bit of context for people who don't know.

For those who don't know, the ducks in London, they were basically World War II amphibious landing craft. They used to drive around London, then they'd go down in the Thames. You'd do a tootle up and down the Thames, back on dry land, and back into Waterloo. I did that for donkey's years. I did it for about 13 years or something like that. Was it 13?

Yeah, in the end. Jesus. I gave up everything, didn't I? Yeah. But whilst I was there, I used to do something called, we had a thing called the lily pad. I don't know why, because originally it was called the frog tours. Right.

And so the start-off point was the lily pad, which makes sense. You know what? Because it's frogs. I have never made that association right now that that doesn't make sense. Well, you don't get ducks on lily pads, do you? No, you can't, well, they're too heavy. Think it through. But they were only frog tours for a few years

and then they changed over to dog uh duck tours but they never ever got they never called it where we had a place called the nest actually but they never changed it was always the lily pad so i used to work on the lily pads that's where the ducks started that's where they ended i used to sign people on sign them off all that jazz make sure the right passengers are on and we got down there one morning this is um uh basically down by the London Eye. Behind us was the Shell building, so this was the old one. So there's all building work around there now. It's all gone, that area.

And I stood there one morning and all the passengers there, set up my little trolley, everything like that, turned around, a little low wall behind me, a little planted, potted area, and what was unmistakably a human turd just sitting there. How do you know? How could it have been a dog? No, it was way too big.

Honestly, unless you had like the world's largest Doberman. Yeah, like a Great Dane. And it just pinched one up. Dogs, dogs, yeah. No, no. This was human. I mean, if you know, you know. Yeah, I know my turds. This was huge.

It was ridiculous. And man can spot a fool. Yeah, I know my turds. This was huge. It was ridiculous. And it was just lying there. And the problem we had was that this is the only place where we could go from. These vehicles are big. You can't park them anywhere else you like. They're getting in the way of everything. And we're looking at it, and we're going like, well, what the hell have we got?

We've got 30 feet. Don't look at it. Don't look at it. Of course, everyone then looks at it and goes, that's a human turd, isn't it? Oh, you recognise it as well, do you? Oh. We see all these well, do you? Oh. We see all these sites when we come to London.

We see the royal turd is out. Well, we had a response. We thought, who the hell did we phone about this? We thought, let's phone Lambeth Council. So we phoned Lambeth Council. Lambeth Council come out and go, no, no, no, no, no. You'll find that's on the Shell ground there. That land belongs to Shell.

I don't know why it was Northern. That belongs to Shell. That's a Shell property. That's Shell's turd. That's Shell property. They'll have to get rid of that. And then we phoned up Shell and said, you've got a turd on your property.

They went, oh, you'll need to phone Lambeth Council. It's the same bloke. Typical. You need to phone Lambeth Council. This went on for ages, so we didn't know what to do. So we did the only thing we could do, and we covered it with a bucket. Yeah, good, good.

No, we thought it was great, because then people ta-da yeah yeah charge a tenner for a little peak the world's worst magic trick couldn't you have you lost your turd is it here you could go look you want to go on the duck tour no what about peak of this human turn it's a warm day it was a yellow bucket it was radiating a lot of heat it was beginning to hum you cut the shit yeah

it was like a microwave it was awful it was really bad and the smell was getting a little bit much like a plastic swelling yeah please leave me

we phoned up the council again they said no we phoned up Shell and eventually I think Shell relented and they sent round one of the local cleaner guys like this. And this poor sod, he came around with this little trolley.

And he had one of these grabbers. Like the Pinta one, like that. So we took the bucket off, like ta-da, like that. And he went, OK, right, I deal with this. And he got the grabber in. And he basically cut it in half. Yeah, it's soft. Too soft, man.

And the worst part was, he looked and he went, oh. And he went in half. Yeah, it's soft. Too soft, man. And the worst part was, he looked at it and went, oh. And he went in again. And he cut it again. So this is like Fantasia now. No, but the bad thing is, it was at that point,

after cutting it the second time, he went, oh, oh, oh, no. He said, no. He was actually German. He had no idea what it was, the first two times. It wasn't until he cut it the second time, oh, no. What did you think it was? I have fucking no idea. A was actually German. He had no idea what it was the first two times. It wasn't until he cut it the second time.

What did you think it was? I have fucking no idea. A piece of wood. Massive Mars bar. Huge lozenge. It was a little bit of wood. Someone just gone like that. Well, I know, but the thing was he...

Where was he from? Was he from the council? I think it was from further afield than the council. He was from the Shell building. But he was from Shell. But I have no idea where he was from originally. He was some kind of janitor fellow from Shell. Yeah. What, have you got a problem with this?

No, I zoned out when I got that bit of the story. So it's just... But yeah, anyway. I was going to say the cutting in half bit, which was very exciting. It was funny. But then he was like, oh, no, what do I do? He said, it was just the grabber thing. We were killing ourselves laughing.

And did he get rid of it in the end? What did he do to remove it? I can't remember. I think we just basically battered it with water. It's some kind of pallid, squeegee pallid thing. Yeah. What are you doing in that accent? Squeegee McPhee.

Step away from the lobber. He's coming up with a new character now. I think we just battered it with water in the end And just got rid of it that way We just dig a hole and roll it in Dilute it It would have been a bit We didn't have a spade

Get a spoon from the kitchen Dig a grave for it You know what would be good Put a little gravestone in A leaf blower Yeah Dry it out No

Don't wipe it off Dry it out Scrape it off Squeegee squeegee squeegee Anyway yeah Thank you I've held on to that. I know, but it was very funny at the time, but yes, quite disgusting. Yeah, terrible.

Shit is terrible. It seems to crop up a lot with your tales from the shop. I know, there's two. We try not to, but there was two. We haven't done one in a while, and I thought this was worth... There was double shit. You got double poopoos. And I will also add to the shit story,

because I went for a cigarette before we got started around the corner, around the back. There was human shit. No, better than that. So, you know, there's that wall. What? There's that wall?

Do you know there's that wall? I mean, that's possibly the fakest thing you've ever said. Do you know there's that wall? Yeah, but it's not any wall. It's that wall. What the fuck are you on about? It doesn't matter.

Yes, of course I know there's that wall I went Round the corner And I stood by a wall To have a smoke To you know Protect myself From the wind

Okay so And then I looked to my side And I noticed that On the wall About waist height There was a brown Yeah Like pancake shape

And then A big load of poo On the floor below So someone must have Pressed their arse Against the wall. That's a drunk person. I'm starting to feel nauseous now.

Just to say. So I can only imagine that it squirted out, made a nice little pancake. Oh, come on. You kind of want to hope that the force was such that it propelled them forward to land on their face. Like a toppling tree. Yeah.

Well, like when a man pokes at a wall With a stick What am I talking about Like when a man pokes at a wall With a stick Can I just confirm we are all in our 40s now Yes Amazing Who's the oldest? It's him isn't it still

Is it still you? What does it mean is it still you? I'm here breathing 46 Idiot I'm 45 in about 3 weeks What still you? What does it mean? Is it still me? I'm here breathing. 46. Idiot. I'm 45 in about three weeks. What are you? I'm 45 in a bit over three weeks.

Yeah, you're late March, aren't you? 16. Yeah, I'm fifth, so. Yeah. I'm 42 this year. Don't look it, but yeah. I'm sexy. You look like a truck driver.

I'm not a truck driver. Just because I'm wearing a hoodie. You look like a tired driver I'm not a truck driver Just because I'm wearing a hoodie You look like a tired truck driver Leaving Dover You look like Kenny Cantor After a fucking 60s drugs binge That's better than looking like a fucking truck driver Leaving Dover in 1977 You look like a dog fucking nonce

How about that? What? A dog nonce? A dog nonce? You little puppy fucker Oh fuck Fuck off Is it time for cheap eats now? It's time for cheap eats.

Let's just stop this and move on. Oh, it's the sound effect. Hark. Eli Silverman, what are we doing next, you stupid dog nons? Fuck off. I won't go on until you take that back. All right. Yeah.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

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Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

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Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.age. Right. Anyone like animal crackers? Because I've got shit loads. Yes. They're throwing them at me.

Literally, she said five for three, and then they put another one in. Are they all the same animal crackers? No, there's some are banana flavour, and some are banana milk flavour. So, they're all horrible. Just shut up and just go. Where did you get these from? Dream Animals. Chinatown.

Sweet. Dream Animals. Bananaown Sweet Dream Animals Banana milk flavoured biscuits Coconut These are bananas Oh banana No those are coconut Oh right

So I'm going to keep all of these And those are the two we're going to open 45 different kinds of animal shapes Deer Ox Sheep Eagle Pigeon

Oh they've got everything Sparrow Macaw They've got sparrow They really eat everything They're sparrows What does that say? Sparrow

The thing is Are you going to look at a biscuit and go, oh, yes, that's very much an ox and that's very much a sea fowl. I think you'll notice that. They're very different animals. The deer and the sheep do look distinguished from each other, as does the ox from them. The lion is most certainly a lion. What's a horn owl?

Horn owl? Is that what they used to call me in school? Here comes the horn owl. Look at his head. Watch it spin. Oh, fucking hell, guys. He sits in trees at night. Open up the ones.

So you've got the coconut flavoured ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ginbis is the company. And we need you to open the banana flavoured. Nice. There's packaging in packaging. It's a bit like coming from Amazon. Yeah.

Now, Paul, these were, she said, they were 50p each. Right. So I got two and she said we'll give you five for... Jesus, can I have them? Five for... A pound? Yeah. That's alright, isn't it?

And then she threw another one in. Nice. So what she did was she just palmed up a bunch of shit on you. Alright, these are very coconutty. Ooh. Where are they made? What's the huff like on the banana? You want to get rid of them? Where are they made?

Not awful. I'm going to take a biscuit. You can have some of these if you want to take some home. No, no, no. For the boys. They like their animal crackers. Do you know what? I've never given them animal crackers.

I've failed miserably as a father. You still wouldn't be, to be fair. What would they like? Wow, they must have spent a fortune on the packaging, because the coconut one, different animals. I've got a fox. That seems like a slightly higher quality product. Maybe.

Right, I've got a pigeon. I've got a rooster. like a slightly higher quality product than I thought right I've got a pigeon I've got a rooster which suspiciously looks like a cock frankly well this is a banana one I'm having what have you got

a banana one yeah I've got a banana one these are like nice biscuits like nice biscuits yeah a bit oh these are lovely the biscuit quality I like

the coconut ones yeah try the banana one try that can I try a coconut one because I just don't like milk the banana one you don't like that artificial flavour that's a personal one? I just don't like milk, the banana one.

You don't like that artificial flavour? That's a personal taste. But the quality, the texture is really nice. Yeah, actually, they're very crisp. Panda. Now, that doesn't look like a panda. That looks like a meow meow cat, doesn't it? I've got a pelican and a rat. The banana ones aren't bad, but it's that weird...

I don't like the fake banana. ...fake banana taste. The coconut ones are awesome. Oh, yeah, the coconut ones are lovely. They just taste exactly like those nice biscuits, the coconut ones. Is it nice or nice? I think, I don't know, I think it's nice rather than nice.

Because I thought there might have been a French biscuit. Okay, now I want to mark out a ten for those. Out of five, please. Out of five? Coconut ones? Five out of five. I'm going to give it a five. Really? Banana ones? I'll go a bit lower on the bananas. Well, that's why there was only banana ones left, wasn't there? Yeah.

So I could only find one coconut. All the other packets, I've got a bloody banana. I like the banana ones, though. Yeah. What would you give the banana ones? Honestly, if it wasn't for the banana flavour that I don't like, I'd still probably give it a high score, but I'm going to give it three. Graham, as our guest here, I'm going to hand you the next Cheap Eats item.

I need you to describe that to the listeners, please. Okay. What I've got here is a vacuum the listeners, please. It's a cheap eats express episode. I've got a vacuum-packed package. 50p. Seems good value. I'm on message today. So he's got a vacuum-packaged 50p. It's called

The Real, and then what I presume is Korean writing. I don't know. Looks Korean. Premium black kidney beans. So I'm going to give it a wee bit of an open. Black kidney beans. Let's have a smell. Do we think these are savoury? Oh, Jesus. What's the half on it?

God, really? Bad. This is what we live for. That is... That's weird. Have a sniff. That's weird. I can't describe that.

There's a bit... The half on these beans. Slightly fishy. Is it... It is slightly fishy. It's weird. It's slightly crabby. Yeah, it's not unpleasant, unpleasant.

It's just unexpected. Am I going to be able to eat these? I'm going to eat one. Shall we check it for fish, Paul? Because we don't want you to have an allergic reaction. Like years ago. Eat this sausage. I don't want to.

I don't know what it says. Eat the sausage. It's fine. I did a translate. Pure fish sausage. It's fish sausage. They love fish sausage in Japan. Why?

Don't you like fish? I'm allergic to it. Really? I get highly allergic to it. Could have killed me. They love fish sausage in Japan. Why? Don't you like fish? I'm allergic to it. Really? I get highly allergic to it. Why have I never known this? Because you've been poising me for years. Damn it, man. I've been inviting you around for muscle.

This is a sweet. Black kidney beans, 96% and sugar, 4%. That's it. There's no fish in it. That's fine. Well, can I have a sniff? Well, let's just shake a couple out for me and Greg. Oh, wow.

Jesus. They're not going to be good. They're going, wow. Jesus, they look like you've planned them. They're not going to be good. They don't look like kidney beans. They look like dead animals, cockroaches. They do, yeah. They're remarkably soft. Yeah, they're really soft. Cool on the tongue. Not an unpleasant texture. Fairly sweet. It's a bit more mighty

actually, the smell. It's a bit earthy. It's like a cooked bean. It's alright. But they're not kidney. These are... They are kidney. No, they're bigger than kidney beans. Well, much bigger than kidney beans. They're damn near the size of an actual kidney. It's like a cooked bean. It's alright. But they're not kidney. These are... They are kidney. No, they're bigger than kidney beans. They're much bigger than kidney beans. They're damn near the size of a natural kidney. They're like butter beans, aren't they? They're what we call a butter bean. It says black

kidney bean. What do you want? I know, but it's wrong. I'm sorry. Why would they lie? Why would they say, I'll just fucking put anything in. We'll call it black kidney beans. Do you know what's strange to a Western palate about these? In the West, we don't have sweet beans. In the far east, they have all sorts of bean sweets.

We just got jackfruit. Red bean paste. It's a sweet thing for them. Oh, really? Beans, yeah. Those aren't that bad. Jackfruit. What do you think? I need a Mark Vinson's cross episode of TV. That's our cop show. Sweet beans and jackfruit. I would give them four out of five. Really? That much? Yeah, only because they're not unpleasant. I would give them four out of five. Really? Yeah. That much?

Yeah, only because they're not unpleasant. I'm not a massive fan of beans. No. Texturally, that's the only thing that would go down. You've got a real bean texture, but it's the sweetness with that. It's strange. I don't mind the sweetness. I would say two out of five, personally.

I'll go two out of five. Nothing inherently wrong, just not my cup of tea. All right. Now, is this the third and final item? It is. Before we go to our Paul's Pleasant Past Times finale. tea. All right. Now, is this the third and final item? It is, before we go to our Paul's Pleasant

Past Times finale. I was going to buy loads of those kidney beans. I'm glad you didn't. I'm glad I didn't, man.

Crikey. Strange, very strange. Eli, here's an idea, because, you know, I know you like this, this is what you like to do

on average, but why don't you stick them all in your meters one by one? Because that seems to be something you want to do on average. But why don't you stick them all in your meatus one by one? Because that seems to be something you want to do a lot, meatus insertion. I'd actually pay good money to see someone try and shove something that size.

Too soft. Come on, go in. Anyway. What, your penis? Let it dry out a bit. You thumbing that into your flaccid cock. I could chow right through a whole pack of those dream animals. Dream animals, Paul?

I know, and they have been. Are you going to make some kind of crack about my dream animal? Dog? Yeah. Thank you. I'd set that up for you. They're nice. Right.

You're very giving, Eli. I will say that. The third item in the cheap eats selection today. Yeah. Fujiya Home Pie. I think I saw say that. The third item in the cheap eats selection today. Yeah. Fujiya home pie. I think I saw that one. I'd like a slice of your home pie, madam. And then what?

Cover it in your jackfruit? I will jack it until the fruit issues forth. You're going to go to jail one day. Isn't jackfruit used as a meat substitute? Yeah. Oh, the home pie sure smells good. It's very vanilla-y. Jackfruit used as a meat substitute. Yeah. Oh, the home pie sure smells good. It's very vanilla-y.

Oh. Oh, butterscotchy. Short bread-y smell. When it says home pie, what is it actually selling? Butter, yeah. But it's like a sweet buttery smell. Are they biscuits? No, that's... It's some kind of little biscuit.

That sort of smell. I'm never... You're not a big fan of that? I'm not a massive fan of buttery type stuff, to be honest. It's like a short bread or something. It's a butter of little biscuit. That sort of smell. I'm never a... You're not a big fan of that? I'm not a massive fan of buttery type stuff, to be honest. It's like a shortbread or something. It's a butter shortbread smell. Yeah. I don't mind it, Paul.

So let's get... What do they look like, Paul? They look like little square crackers. They're little shortbreads, aren't they, basically? Little square shortbreads. I don't know what... Home pie might be a weird translation of shortbread. I want to cover your home pie in my shortbread sticky jackfruit.

Jackfruit, yeah. I'll stick it in my shortbread sticky jackfruit. Jackfruit, yeah. Up my arse. Spoffy jism. Stick it in my fucking spoff hole. Yeah, they're like little rough-edged biscuits. They look like little... It's almost like bread or...

Yeah. That is a shortcake. Like a crouton. That's definitely a shortcake. That's nice, isn't it? That's actually quite tasty. It's not as bought as I thought it was going to be.

That's expensive. About £30. Is he like broken the code? That is a... It's not that expensive. £1.30? Is Eli broken the code? That is a... It's not that expensive. It is. What about that? For a packet that big?

For a small packet with seven of these in, you pay £1. No, more than seven. Oh, they're nice. Don't pull that face. They're actually all right. A cup of tea, man,

with that. I've got one here. A proper Yorkshireman comes for tea. Aye. Proper grand. Well, that's two breads. What was your favourite item? I like the coconut biscuits the best. Cook comes for tea. Aye. Aye. Proper grand. Well, that's two for all right. What was your favourite item?

I like the coconut biscuits the best. Yeah, me too. And the crocodile dream animals. Did you chow down on a big dog? No. Yeah. No, I didn't. Not a big banana-y dog.

I think the biscuits were my favourite as well, actually. But I did like the home pie. I don't know why you find home pie. Because it's like fur pie, isn't it? Vagina pie. Furry mackerel fucking flan. Eli Silver, still single. Yeah, I was just about to ask that.

What? Oh, what? Because I described someone's vagina as a flan. No, as a furry mackerel pie. As a mackerel fucking fur pot flan and then what? And then I don't get laid? Is that what you're trying to equate that with?

Yes. Just because what? I didn't like the way you described a vagina? That's not anyone's reason for not having sex with me. It should be. Shut up. As long as you're not doing it to her face, you know. I like your fishy smelling flan pie.

Some women might like that. Some people might like a lot of flan talk. Is that why you're more of a dog person? No, I'm not more of a dog person. I'm going to milk this for as long as I possibly can. You can't milk a dog, though, can you? Why not? It's got nipples.

Yeah. Hey. Hey. Hey. Eli Silver milks a dog. There's a Patreon tier for you. That sounds like one of those sorts that film it in black and white, put it up for awards. Oh, yeah.

The dog milker. Like your fucking Clankerman. It'd be a sequel to that, but you wank off a dog. Shut up, guys. Honestly. Really. Ladies and gentlemen,

it's that time of the show where I... No! No hitting! Oh, no hitting. Oh, no. I was hoping it was going to be a walkout. He hasn't done that in ages. I don't know if he does do that anymore. Do it again.

Does he not do it anymore? No, he does fake trying to hit me. Oh, fake hit him. I hit him. Do it again. Oh, it's time for Paul Gannon's present. Oh, I'm walking out. But happy.

I like it. You're actually trying to put on a game show. The problem is when you're close to 200 episodes long, that joke gets really tired quite quickly. It got tired a lot. It got tired before the fucking podcast even fucking started. Let's go through the things people are tired of that Paul does. This.

Yes, very tired. Next, this one. Here we go, ladies and gentlemen. You're fucking on this one. He's doing the headless ghost thing with the curtain I can't believe why is there a curtain here what else do I do

which Eli is tied up oh yeah you're a dog fucking non so I'm like that this is a board game is it not puppy penetrator that's your name

is this a board game yes we're playing Paul's Pleasant Pastimes this is a board game I got at a charity shop for 99p it's golden very good condition I'm sorry what this is not Paul's Pleasant Pastimes. This is a board game I got at a charity shop for 99p. Ooh, bye. It's Golden Games.

Very good condition. It is in good condition. What? This is not Paul's Pastimes. It's Gannon's Golden Games. It's Paul's Pleasant Pastimes. It's Gannon's Golden... Games!

It's Paul's Pleasant Pastimes. Games! Games! Games! Games! Games! Games! Games!

Games! Games! I fucking hate you. Gannon, what is it? Just say, what is it? Just tell me. What is it? Oh, there.

It's Family Fortunes. No, what's the segment called? Oh, what's the segment? I haven't a fucking clue. Gannis Golden Games. Don't drag Graham into this. Gannis Golden Games. Let's chant it.

Gannis Golden Games. Gannis Golden Games. He's out of the area. Gannis Golden Games. He's actually going red. Gannis Golden Games. That's how much commitment I have to the name of this segment. Gannis Golden Games.

The fact that you're wearing that Tabasco T-shirt and your face has gone red, you look like a massive twatty bottle of Tabasco. A twatty bottle of has gone red, you look like a massive twatty bottle of Tabasco. A twatty bottle of Tabasco? Yes, you're a twatty bottle of Tabasco. I'm more concerned about his age and his blood pressure. Oh, yes. And his penis. What do you mean, my penis? You know, your penis needs TLC. Hang on, it's not that

sort of podcast, is it? No, you've not been invited for that. I don't mind coming in and everything. Those do exist, though, don't they? What? Porn podcasts. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Well, not like podcasts where they have sex on them, I don't mind coming in and everything. Those do exist, though, don't they? What? Porn podcasts. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Well, not like podcasts where they have sex on them, I don't think. I don't think it's people.

Oh, you mean just people talking about porn? The industry, yeah. Oh, okay. No, no, it's actual porn. Audio porn. What? I've not heard of this. Yes, it's a very much an expanding area of the whole adult entertainment market. It is.

You're laughing at me, fucking light. No, it's an expanding. You're a child. An expanding area. Is that what made you laughing if you fucking like. It's the phrase you're a child. An expanding area. Is that what made you laugh? Yes. Does it work on... I'll jack off my jackfruit

into your expanding area hole. Does it work on that same thing when people do like, you know, the little noises that people... Oh, ASMR. Yeah. I think it's, yeah.

I think it overlaps with that. So, welcome to Sex Podcast. Here's episode 142. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry.

Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry.

Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry.

Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. podcast here's episode 142 call me charlie call me charlie right ganon's golden games right ganon's golden games is where i find a board game in a charity shop and this week it is family fortunes i believe this is from like the late 70s this edition it's a very handsome board it's very good it's based on well i was gonna say the americans i think it's the American board game design,

but they call it, what was it, Family Feud? That's what they call it. So this must be a UK release, but based on a US design. So, it's very simple. Everyone's seen

Family Fortune. And I'm going to play, I'm going to be Les Dennis tonight, or Bob Monkhouse. Monkhouse was classier, wasn't it? Yeah, Monkhouse was much better.

Well, it's like, there's that clip I used to show years ago, when I did that bit of stand-up about Bob Monkhouse presenting Family Fortune Yeah Monkhouse was much better There's that clip I used to show years ago When there'd been a stand up about Bob Monkhouse presenting Family Fortune When he first started When you first see him starting out He bounds down the stairs like hey hey hey Cut to the last two or three shows he did And he's strolling slowly down the stairs

Doesn't give a fuck That's when he'd stopped doing the diet though wasn't it Yeah because he spent years and years and years He talks about it later on in his life, about how he restricted what he ate so he could always be that skinny thing.

Yeah, he really was stamped on his diet when he got to one part of his life and just thought, you know, sod it,

you know, I can't do this anymore. I never knew that. And that's when he got portly. That's when he sort of filled up quite considerably. Yeah, think about it,

like late 80s, early 90s and then there was a change and then he died. even when he was doing like every second count or whatever it was, he still of filled up quite considerably. Yeah, think about it. Like, late 80s, early 90s, and then there was a change. No, you're right. And then he died. Because even when he was doing, like, every second count or whatever it was, he still looked quite svelte. Yeah.

But that's right. And he always had that slightly sort of... That was a funny thing about him, because he was a brilliant comedian. Yeah. But he came across as a bit of a greasy game show host. Yeah, it was a real shame. But I think he loved game shows. Oh, he did, yeah.

Because I think in his book he mentions he loved... Because they're cheap. They're cheap to make, and they pay you a fortune. And he's loved game shows. Oh, he did, yeah. Because I think in his book he mentions he loved... Because they're cheap. They're cheap to make and they pay you a fortune. And he's good with people. Oh, yeah. Same with Brucey. People take the piss out of Brucey, but he was great doing what he did.

Yeah. I don't personally remember Family Fortunes with Les Dennis. With no. Bob Monkhouse. Monkhouse. Who else was it? It was Max Bygraves. I remember Dennis.

Oh, God, I don't know. Was it Max Bygraves who did it as well? I want to tell you a story about how I hate everyone. It's a really old school game then. Yeah. Because I only remember with Dennis. Less Dennis.

He was a donkey. I don't remember any. No donks. So we're going to play Family Fortunes, Eli versus Grave. And you know what? Sweet.

The category I will have on the back, so I'll tell you what's going on. But obviously, you have to buzz in. So guess what I've got? Bazzers. Eli has the yellow one.

It goes like this. Graeme has the red one. It goes like this. Neither of them are irritated at all. That's brilliant. Where did you get them from? We had them for Digitizer, the show I just nicked. Learning resources.

Can I have a little test, please? Yeah, go for it. Windows. Windows. Learning resources. Can I have a little test, please? Yeah, go for it. Windows. My go. I didn't do it. Stop. Sorry.

I didn't mean to do that, Graham. That's all right. Right, so are we ready for the first round? Yep. Right, let me drag it over here so I can actually read the back of this fucking card. I've got the little stand all set up with all the questions and everything. Why is it upright? Is that the whole of the board? Is there another bit of the board that we're not seeing?

No, that's it. That's it. So it literally is the display from the TV show, but done in a sort of boards fashion. Yeah, the only thing missing is two tables either side with families on. It says strike one, strike two, strike three across the top. Yeah, because you used to put pegs in. That's very American. They haven't changed that for them.

Because they didn't call them strikes on the British version of the show, did they? I thought they were strikes. They were not strikes. Yeah, they were one of those, but they weren't a strike. You lost a life. A life, yeah. So we're going to play the game, as you remember, on the TV. I'm going to ask you a question.

Fastest finger buzzes in, gets the chance to answer the question on the board. If it's the highest one, then you take control and you try and get through all of them but if you lose control, the other person could steal and take the points. Games being competitive. I've actually got my finger on the buzzer. He's got his finger on it. Eli doesn't like it when people take the game seriously because he just thinks he can complain his way to victory. So... Oh, fucking hell! This category has four potential answers, and the question is this.

Fingers on buttons, here's your question. Name a way in which you notice someone has had too much to drink. Graham? They fall asleep. Fall asleep. It's not on the board, so Eli has a chance. I hope it did happen to me. Eli has a chance now to take control.

Can you just read it out again, please? Name a way in which you notice that someone has had too much to drink. Eli should be very good at this. They slur their words Top answer 40 Oh the sex time It's sex time Please don't do any of that ever again

It's my celebration Do you want to take control of the round Or do you want to hand it over to Graham Just before I answer that question Just before I answer that question Can I I say it's... No, just answer the question. No, just before I answer that question, can I say it's sex time? It is sex time. Over here. It's not. Nuttilage. Right. Nuttilage.

That's good as well. Nuttilage. No, it's not. Nuttilage. I don't want you nuttildging anything. Ever. What was the question again? Fuck off. I've said it three times now. No, what do I have to do? What do you mean what do I have to do? You've got to answer the question.

If you'd listened instead of saying sex time over and over. I've got the top answer. So do you want to take control of the board, or do you want to hand it to Graham? Because you've got to get all three right to win the whole round. Or you can hand it to Graham, and he can have a go. If he fails, you can steal. So what do you want to do?

Do you want to hand it to Graham, or do you want to go with it? There are three more answers. Go with it. All right. So, Eli, you usually have a family with you taking guesses, but you're on your own. All right. So what do you think is another sign

of someone being too drunk? Falling over. Falling over. It's there. It's there. Three points. 43. You've got two more to go.

I just have to get one of the top five. There's only four. You've got to get two more. There's four available and you've got two out of them. 43. You've got two more to go. I just have to get one of the top five. There's only four. You've got to get two more. There's four available, and you've got two out of them. Okay. So I've had slurred speech and falling over. So two more answers on the board. They try and get off with people,

whatever the equivalent, how you describe that. Amorous. Becoming. Becoming. I'm sorry. It's a strike. As if that doesn't happen, though. Eli.

No, it's never happened to you. Are you talking from experience? Can you steal? Can you steal? Hang on. Let me have a look. You shut up. You shut up.

Fuck you. Okay. So, fall over. No, it's great. It's your go still, Eli, until you get two more strikes. Oh, is it? I'll have another biscuit.

Two more strikes. I've still got another go. Yes. How have you not... I remember Les Dennis. Nausea. Vomit vom-voms. Vomit spewies. Vomit vom-voms.

He's reaching. No, I just reached to fob you off. One more strike available so Graham get thinking you could steal the round. Hiccups. Hiccups. Is that your last chance, Gess? Hiccups, yeah. Oh, you've lost.ups, yeah. Oh,

you've lost. So, Graham. Right. Slurred speech, falling over. There are two more answers on the board.

If you can get one of them right, you win the points. Okay. Which currently stand at 43. Oh, man, that's actually quite... Yeah.

See, it's not a Z. No, no, no. So, signs that you've maybe drunken a little bit too much.

Slurred speech, you fall over. So signs that you've maybe drunken a little bit too much. Slurred speech. You fall over. What else could be a sign? I'm so close to falling over, though. What were you going to say? You can't walk in a straight line. All right. Stumbling.

That is literally what happens before you fall over. Yeah. Boom! 37 points. St over Yeah 37 points Staggered Gait Staggered gait You have got 80 points Graham Sweet

80 points Doesn't he have to get The last one Nope Why Because you gamble By taking the whole run Oh fuck

All he has to do Is steal one Did I get any points No I've got the top answer He steals it though You're not Shit

This is shit You're a charlatan Personally I'm actually Quite grateful to you Thank you You did a lot of Heavy lifting there Fuck off

Right next one Right We got Were you having a good look then No I tried to hide it As quickly as I could then I didn't

Honestly I was just Right the next category Four potential answers Fingers on buttons Buzzers Buzzers You said buttons The first time as well Yeah you know what Honestly, I was just... Right, the next category. Four potential answers. Fingers on buttons. Buzzers. Buzzers. You said buttons the first time as well.

You know what? He was trying to say fucking bullet casing. Gun casing, he called it. Gun bullet casing. Gun casing. Gun bullet casing. It's not called a cartridge. I still can't believe you're angry about that. Because it sucks fucking bullshit.

Well, then stop saying sex time when you get a question right and then complain when you lose. That is sexy time. That was sexy time for me. How do you know what's going on in my nuzzle package? Nothing. You know nothing about it. There's nothing going on in your nuzzle package. There's big rub rub.

Your nuzzle package is like a typical Wild West ghost town. It's tumbleweeds and memories. That's all you've got going down there. Tumbleweeds turns me on. What about the grumbleweeds that they turn you on? And old men falling off balconies. Yeah. My finger is on my buzzer.

Right. Fingers on buzzers. I really want to see those fingers. Right. Next category is name something you hang on a wall. Graham once again takes the first. Paintings. I'll give you that picture.

Top answer. Feels like sex time, doesn't it? But it might not be because I might steal this fucking sex time from you. And how many more do I have to get? Two? You have to get three more right. Three more right. Things that you could hang on a wall. Do you want to take it or do you want to let Eli struggle comically for another

ten minutes? This is from the late 70s, isn't it? Oh, he's gone fucking era specific. I will say there's nothing. You have to? Oh, he's gone fucking era-specific. I will say, there's nothing... You have to do it. Are you going to play the three ducks? There's a little clue for you. Those three ducks.

The worst one question I didn't put in this, but it was like, name a politician with a moustache. And that was like, it was all like, you know, like Clayderman. Anthony Eden. Yeah, seriously, it was people like that. I was like, I can't put that in. But I will say, these three answers that I left,

nothing is too left field, nothing is too bizarre. So do you want to take control or do you want to hand it to Eli? I think it's only in the spirit of goodwill, I shall take control. Oh, all right. Well, then here we go. Three more answers left. Things you can hang on a wall. Mirror.

I think that's the obvious one that comes to mind for me first as well, Graham. Yes, mirror. I would have said mirror, yes. What's it to be? Yes. Can I see mirror? Ding. Graham. Yes. Mirror. I would have said mirror. Yes. What's it to be? Yes. Can I see mirror? Ding. Boom.

Yes. Eight points. Second top answer. Still need to get two more. But only eight people said it out of 100. So 83 said that. So that means the next

83. The first thing that comes to mind is a picture. Picture painting. Picture on the wall. But that means the last two are going to be really esoteric.

Again, I wouldn't say anything too left field here. I'm just surprised those numbers aren't handled. Why are you rubbing? He always rubs. He's obsessed with touching his knuckles. I can see your hand just disappearing down. No, it's not. It's on my calf. My hand is on

my calf. Is that fucking too much for you? He's thinking about the fact that he just ordered some pound puppies from eBay. They're going to be at home when he gets back. Pound puppies? What are they? Quite inappropriate, mate. Toys from the 80s. Pound puppies. They were like the Beanie Baby of the time, but they were pound puppies that you adopted. And you're going to pound

those puppies, aren't you, Mr Silverman? What, now I have sex with dog toys? Yeah. Toys that are portray dogs. That's because they won't actually tell tales. Yeah, they won't. Anyway, Graeme, so there are two more left. Okay, pictures, mirror. What else could you put up on a wall,

hang up on a wall? How could you hang on a wall? I mean, they're looking around right now at walls. Spunky cross. Oh, God. I am actually going to go with that. I'm going to go with crucifix. Yeah, well, guys,

I'm going to go with crucifix. That's right. Crucifix on there, so two more. You're going to get that. You didn't specify spunky crucifix. That's right, one. Crucifix on there, so two more. You didn't specify spunky crucifix, did you? Spunky crucifix. What I've done is I've made it difficult for you now.

How do you do it, though? Do you flick it like holy water, where you just go... With the cross. Come on, mate, stop. I'm sorry, you bring up spunky crucifix, but if I elaborate, I'm asked to stop. Yes. That's the way it works.

Graham, what... I mean, a lot of these. Two more answers. You can help yourself. If you like the banana ones, please. Really love them. Come on. Two more answers on the board, Mr. Scasey.

You have some banana crackers. I get another go? Yeah, two more. Yeah, two more guesses. This is why you shouldn't have taken it on, should you? I am. Two more guesses. I'm going to get some points here. I'm going to get two more things. All is why you shouldn't have taken it on, should you? I am. Two more guesses. I'm going to get some points here.

I'm going to get two more things. All right, now I've got picture, mirror, no crucifix. Hang on the wall. What the fucking hell is this? You're hanging up wallpaper. Bong! That's not hung. It is.

You hang wallpaper. You fucking don't. You don't. You stick it on. No, you're just too busy splashing your walls with sticky crucifixes. You mix up some of that stuff. No, you need to go into it. What's the glue stuff called? Paste.

Yeah, but what's the... It's called paste. Stop doing room for it. Just the fact that you're doing something from a carry-on film with your face doesn't make it any less paste. Stir the paste in the pot, slap it on the wall and hang your whole wall paper. Fine, I don't have any issue.

You do. Apparently it's a crucifix type of issue. Come on. Picture, mirror, wallpaper. There's one more thing you'll put up on a wall. What is that thing? Tapestry. Eli, get ready to steal because you could steal if Eli... I'm thinking tapestry. That's what you do. You come over and say, what do you think? That other family think... Not yet though.

Because otherwise if it's right, he gets to say it. Tapestry. Do you know what? Flying ducks. Is that it? Is that three strikes? No, that's two strikes. I get one more strike.

It fucking goes on forever. What it does if you're eating biscuits the whole fucking time? Really nice. And these are the banana ones. They're not even the nice ones. Okay. Are these the calculate ones? Yeah.

Picture, mirror, wallpaper, anything that'll hang on a wall. Fucking hell. One more answer on the board. Can you get it? What can you hang up on a wall? Lights. Lights. So, Eli, you can steal this, but if not, Graham gets the points.

So, at the moment, it stands as 80 points versus nothing. You could potentially get 100 points here. Can I ask a question? No. Do you think photographs would be included in pictures? I would. As a friend, I would say it's not going to be a separate thing. Plate.

Plate. Crockery. A plate. Decorative plate. All right. That's actually not bad. Graham gets the points. Can we know what the last answer was, please?

The last answer on the board was... Clock! Clock! Fucking hell! Fucking hell. We're dead. It's all the cannabis, man. It's just totally erased my mind.

Like a gravel brush. You've just got to put yourself back into the 70s. Scrub my head hole with my brush handle. So, with that two rounds gone, we don't need to do a third because Graham is the absolute winner

of today's Family Fortune. Fucking bullshit. Eli gets nothing and Graham gets 80 plus. What was it? This is bullshit. Isn't there a final round where he gets to win a car or something? 98p.

98 points altogether. Nice. We're going to add a grand to that. Yeah, no, you can't really do the last line because you need a friend on your own, don't you, to go through and guess it. You remember you have to go, oh, quickly, a type of egg, a type of this. I haven't got those

sheets, it doesn't come with it, so we can't do that round. That's a pretty good version. I quite enjoyed that. Yeah, because the ones you get these days don't have this, you know, this setup where you have the little slides and things. Yeah, no, it's a lovely little thing, that, isn't it? Lovely. In lovely condition. Can I have a look at the back?

It's all right. It's very fragile because the plastic's a little bit loose and the holes for the plastic to go through the cardboard are a little bit loose. Still, 99p? 99p. It's a bargain. And that's, again, I love it. And look, there's another sticker on it.

It said, new, £4. So it's obviously changed hands a couple of times. The family game based on a popular TV quiz show. I do the same thing. I get games from charity shops for the boys and stuff like that. I found this fantastic 1979 battleship. Beautiful box. Perfect condition.

Got it working. Sorry? That's the good shit, though, when you find that stuff in charity shops. The box is knackered. We should say. Graham is a... what's the word? A great salvager. A savant.

A great salvager. A salvage savant. A charity shop connoisseur. Yes, you are. I mean, you post this stuff, don't you? Yeah. On your Twitter. On my Twitter enemy Instagram, yeah.

Yeah, so that's exciting. What's the best thing you ever found? Because remember, you got that chair. It was in the street that time. Like a leather chair. Oh, God, god yeah and then you looked up online or whatever it was like worth a couple hundred quid oh no no no you're talking about my green one yeah green leather yeah it's no it's not leather it's vinyl it's a it's an arcana safari chair and it was when i was out with um my wife who was my girlfriend at the time and we were buying props

for a play she was about to do and i And this guy basically opened up this garage, and it was just full of stuff. And he had this chair in there. And I took one look at it, and I thought, I want that. So I asked him how much. And I thought, if he says 50 quid, I'll have that. He said a tenner. I went, OK. I've still got it.

Cheap as chips. I've still got it. I actually bought another two. They weren't anywhere near as good. Because the one I've got goes back to his 60s. So they were designed originally up in Falkirk Scotland and they're absolutely gorgeous what kind of chair is it?

it's gorgeous it's basically if you can imagine it's a vinyl green vinyl seat with two green vinyl arms it's on four wooden legs connected together

by poles it looks very similar to there's a very iconic design going back Eames chair no no no I'd love an Eames

my god if I found an Eames I'd be happy. Yes. Very comfy chairs. Gorgeous chairs. Absolutely gorgeous. Is it that I'm trying to think of the design? Yeah, well, if you can imagine... It's a lounging chair. It's not a table chair. There's a fantastic, I think, Bauhaus

design chair. Sort of two metal tubes. I think I know the one you mean. It's basically based on that. The suspended leather straps. It's basically based on that. It's very similar to that, but it's made of wood and metal and vinyl, and it's much later because it's 60s and not 20s. But how much is that worth, though? Oh, probably about 250 quid or something

similar like that. That's like when I found Dark Tower for 7 quid. And yet it goes potentially for 300 quid online. Oh, yeah. Did you sell it? No, I've still got it still. I've said I'm going to make a video with it with Stuart for one of his channels. But I'm going to give it to my girlfriend's sister because she used to have a Doctow when she was a kid. And it got completely destroyed.

And she was distraught and trying to find one for ages. So I thought, there you go. I'll let you have that. You can have 300 fucking pounds. The things you do to get minge. I'll tell you what. I did find something nice on Facebook

Marketplace. It's another good place to look. I find that a weird place, though. Why? Because it feels like someone's taking photographs of a dodgy car boot sale and just posted it on Facebook. You can get some nice stuff. Here's a really expensive electric scooter for £80. Nicked.

Yeah, well, it probably is, isn't it? That's the problem, though. Those electric scooters need sirens. I don't know if I can trust a Facebook page shopping sale thing. Mark my word, there's going to be electric scooter fatalities. Well, I was looking for clocks because I fancied a clock, a nice statement clock for the house. To hang on a wall or kind of...

No, no. I was looking... Nice callback. Well, I went... Hang on a wall or kind of... No, no. I was looking like... Nice call back. Well, I went... Hang on a wall, Graham. Don't make me laugh. I'm working on less lungs than I used to.

Right. We're all getting old. Yeah. But yeah, I was looking for a nice statement clock for the house. So I've got loads of clocks.

I've got a clock that runs backwards. It's fantastic. It drives my wife nuts. Is the clock backwards like it goes... No, it goes backwards. I bought a space age one. No, the whole face is backwards. Space the clock backwards? Like it goes... No, it goes backwards. I thought the space age one.

No, the whole face is backwards. Space age clock. He's just shouting for attention. Space age one. Yeah. Like those Japanese alarm clock with a sort of space age green face or whatever and then like a square box, metallic box design.

And one of those stands that goes up like that, fluted sort of. Do you know the ones I mean? So it looks like it's taken off? Yeah. Nice. It's all space age, mate. There's some beautiful...

It was a tenner, but it doesn't work. Wind it up and it runs too fast. It winds itself out after a day or something. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. So anyway, clock. It doesn't tug on that. It just tick, ticks. Oh, I do like that.

Now, I found one of those on Facebook Marketplace. Can I see the clock, please? It's called Amorphous Dear Morris Grandfather Clock. I like it. Oh, it's very modernist. It's beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. From the 90s?

You saw it on Facebook? I saw one on Facebook. I was looking for one for ages. It's almost like a deconstructed one. And I was looking just at clocks, and that one stuck in my mind. This one's going for £1,200. Yeah, and then about a month later, I saw one on Facebook Marketplace. And I phoned them up and I said, how much?

And they said, 20 quid. I went, OK. And it's a genuine thing. It's a genuine thing. And why are they getting it? It needs a small amount of restoration work on some of the wood. Because it's a wooden clock. Yeah.

That thing is, the mechanism's now. It's basically a Japanese quartz mechanism. The whole thing about the design is the body that it's encased in. Well, that's what clocks are like, generally. More modern clocks, isn't it? You're not buying the mechanism. You're buying whatever the design feature of the dressing is. Do you know what I mean?

Anyway, join us next week on ClockPod, where we're going to be talking about the latest clocks, watches, fog watches, and sundials. I love, like, German alarm clocks. You know, those little square travel alarm clocks. We've got eight minutes, and then we have to figure it out. You know what I mean? The black ones. You know those little square travel alarm clocks? We've got eight minutes and then we have to figure it out. What do you mean?

The black ones. Are we really going to talk about clocks? I bought a nice Junghams. Braun. I've got my favourite ones. A Braun one. Braun's are beautiful. I found a Junghams one in a charity shop.

Eight quid. Sold it for £118. I don't sell mine. I've lost control of this show. You can get those clamshell alarm clocks. They're nice. Travel ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The antique ones are really nice. They're really nice. Eli, shut up clamshell alarm clocks. They're nice. Travel ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The antique ones are really nice. They're really nice. Eli, shut up. I like clocks. I like clocks. Great. And that's Cheap Show done for another week. Thank you for listening to us.

If you support us on Patreon or you would like to, go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show. Give us as little or as lot. Give us as little or as much as you'd like. Tusslage. If you can afford to. What about tusslage, though? There's all tusslages.

What else? So, yeah. Nusslages. Patreon.com forward slash cheap show. Nussles. The website will have pictures and videos to accompany this episode. Go to thecheapshow.co.uk. On Twitter, I am at PaulGannonShow.

The podcast is at The Cheap Show Pod. Eli is... Nussle Farmer. N-U-S-A-U-B-F-A-M-A. Farmer. Farber. Nussel Tassledge. We haven't got much time on you as well.

All right, it's Eli Snow. Down to earth. Shall we get down to earth? The fucking end of this pod, yeah? Eli Snow. Eli, who am I? Fucking Richard. Eli Snow.

Thank you. Eli Snow. E-L-I-S-N-O-D-O-I-D is not... What's wrong with you? It's been a long week, Paul. It's not, though. On Twitter. That's me. I'm on Twitter.

And if you'd like to be a friend with him on Facebook, by all means ask him, because he lets anyone follow him as a friend on Facebook. Any old fucking mad cunt. Paul just doesn't like it when I befriend people on Facebook because they always get in touch with him and try and say, you're a ghost bastard. I don't want my own family and friends on Facebook. I don't want any strangers.

Oh, you've made me have to be a right bastard now. Yeah, you are a bastard. Well, at least I'm a bastard, not a dog fucker. Right, Graham, do you have a Twitter account? Yes, you do. What is it? It's at Graham underscore L underscore Casey. That's G-R-A-E-M-E underscore L underscore C-A-S-E-Y.

And if you want to check us out when we were doing the improv and the Rogues handbook, you can go to our YouTube channel. The videos are there. Are they there? And we apologise in advance. So that's what you can do. I think we should have Graham back with a more prepared show next time. Yeah, sorry.

It took me so long to get here. No, it's fine, mate, because you did come in and step in for the last minute and I do appreciate it and I've wanted to have you on the show for a while. Yes. I think now... Come back, Graham.

Another five years will be about right. He likes the food. He likes my food. Yeah, we can do another... We can have another Price is Shite with you. He appreciates someone who can buy food. I reckon Graham would be fucking great at the Price is Shite. He'd fucking bury you.

Yeah, he will. So what? He can have the betwinks. I'm not like some kind of cunt, Paul. No, you're not some kind of cunt. You're a very particular type of one. And it's one who gets out his erect phallus, holds a dog down by the neck and his knee,

and then fucks it up the arse. This one's neck and his knee. This needs to stop. It'll be over by episode 170. I'll be tired of it by then. I'm going to start saying you're a corpse fucker. Deal. Yeah?

Deal. Thank you very much for listening to Cheap Show. Take care. Bye-bye. Bye. I can't believe we just did the GITV ending. you