CheapShow - Ep 167: Peeyobocksintreetsanaolddong

Episode Date: February 28, 2020

What’s in the box? This week, we take a cautious peek into the CheapShow PO Box and see what’s inside. Luckily there are no severed heads, but there IS a rubber duck, a collection of dusty albums, a selection of European candy, a collection of lesser known gross out cards and, in a shocking twist, our greatest enemy gifts the podcast with something actually kinda awesome! And if it’s your 18th Birthday, he also has a message for you too. Lucky you! (Yes, we know the episode title is stupid, but there is a reason! Honest!) And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-167-peeyobocksintreetsanaolddong If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow CheapShow Awards: Vote Here: www.tinyurl.com/cca2020nominate Paul is writing a book! Want to help make it happen? https://unbound.com/books/ghosts/

Get your mic ready. You can bring the chair closer if you want. Fuck you. Eli got a telling off. Doodah, doodah. His flatmate told him off. Because he is a fuck. Have you started? Yes, we have started. Don't start.

I've started already. I can't hear anything. It's too boomy in here. Well, you don't have headphones on. I do. So I unfortunately have to hear you intimately in my ear. Why is this? Who cares? The reason why he's grumpy is because you're in a good mood then his flatmate came out clear your shit out his face dropped like thunder and then we're about to get going i didn't say spoff spoff actually open a pool actually opener i had an

opener then his flatmate came in we're all gonna die die of the coronavirus. It's like he bummed us out. He fucking bummed me out. What can I do to cheer you up? I don't know. Do a good show. Hey, do you want to know some good news? Source report update special edition. Oh, let me turn this light off. Yeah, turn the light off.

Let's get it all sexy in here. Here we go. Oh, that's much more juicy. It's much more intimate now. You know what the problem is, Paul? You're acting like we've started the podcast, but I've really not committed. I'm not committed to this. I'm about to tell you, aren't I? I've got a bit of good news.

Where's the music coming in? Is the music coming up? I'm exhausted. This is pathetic, ladies and gentlemen. Right before we started, he was all ready to go, and he got a tell-off, and now he's all sad and grumpy. And yet, ladies and gentlemen, I could not be happier with the turnout at all. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Cheap Show.

I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles It's just a fact of Cheap Show You're gonna have to learn to fucking accept Cheap Show Cheat Show It's the price of shite Paul Gannon

Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheat Show And I go and I nuzzle What's the fucking update on the source? Welcome to Cheap Show. Big Mac sauce didn't have lumps of gherkin in it. It does. It literally has lumps of gherkin in it. Yeah. I've never noticed that before. Well, next time you have one. Well, anyway, I got a text. No, sorry. I got a tweet from a guy in Canada saying that in Canada,

they've had McDonald's sauces available separately for a donkey's years. Wow. And he showed me a picture of like, yeah, there's the Big Mac sauce and a squeezy bottle. Oh, yeah, I saw that. They're so civilized over there, aren't they? Isn't Canada the land of dreams, isn't it? Yeah. It's the utopian city of tomorrow Isn't Canada the land of dreams, isn't it? Yeah. It's the utopian city of tomorrow.

It's the land of blacking up. I don't think saying the land of blacking up is honest, though. Well, he's their Prime Minister. Yeah, but it's not like everyone does it. It looked that way in the 70s. It seemed like everyone was doing it. I don't know. Come to Canada, land of blackface.

It's really going to sell it. So there's that. That's part one. Part two, I think you might have seen as well. But McDonald's are releasing candles scented with pickles and ketchup and Big Mac sauce. Yeah. And I just thought... What are your thoughts on that?

I think that's very silly. It's a gimmick and they will sell a load, but it'll end up on the secondary market with eBay and things like that. And we'll pick them up, won't we? Yeah. We'll probably pick up secondhand. They will. Sauce candles.

Unless they're really expensive. They'll end up in charity shops before you can say will it be jib jib yeah even if they are expensive even anything that is sort of a total gimmick and a novelty item and doesn't have any real use ends up in charity shops thing is right eli you like pickles don't you you're a pickle man that could be said that i've partaken yes you've dabbled in pickle you could sometimes insinuate that I've had a pickle or two or sniffed a jar

that's what they say you've dabbled in the old has he sniffed a jar in the old green veg has he dipped his little finger in a jar and sniffed his finger and gone

ooh pickle ooh pickle ooh pickle so sniffle pickle sniff you like pickle we're getting that right yeah I've jarred but would you rather send Or pickle. Sniff or pickle sniff. You like pickle. We're getting that, right?

Yeah, I've jarred. But would you want the scent of pickle from a candle emanating in your room? Frankly, Paul, yes, absolutely. Would you? Yeah. You'd like your room stinking of pickles. Smell of gherkins, yeah. Okay, I'm just going to backtrack a bit. All right.

Are you trying to be off-putting to the female form? No. In every element of your being? Some women like the smell of pickles. I don't care for them. I want to talk about the women who are, I don't know, normal, adjusted people who go, oh, Eli looks nice.

Blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm going back to his place. Oh, I'm in the front door. Oh, it's a little bit weird in here. It's full of records. Oh, what's his bedroom like? Oh, it's like a serial killer's den. Smells of pickles, though den smells of pickles though

smells of pickles and that's this is her she got it looks like a serial killer's den but it smells of pickles and that's getting me moist i shouldn't say that i shouldn't that's what dapper laugh says pickle makes me moist is what you think is going to be no i don't i'm i'm tired of your well as agreed there'll be no more dog fucking material. I think I've reached the end of that particular line.

Although there was that guy who... Puppy Tuggers. Puppy Tuggers. Show us a picture of a product that said Puppy Tuggers. Now, it's not

what you'd imagine, which is Eli furiously tugging at the genitals of small dogs. It's not that. It's some kind of squeezy plastic toy with a dog head

that you can squeeze and pull and tug. Right, it's like a stress toy. Yeah. Dog-shaped stress toy. You know, we haven't done those on the podcast, have we? Those little egg toys you get when you go to a machine. We have done egg toys. No, but we haven't done...

We have done eggs. I mean, I've got the ultimate egg toy. Tommy eggs. No, I know. But what I'm saying is we haven't done those kind of... Stress eggs. Pound in a machine, turn the clang, clickety-clock, egg comes out and you get, I don't know, like a hat.

Clickety-clock? Clickety-clock. That's quite good. It makes that noise. Yes, the mechanism. You put the pound in. It's called a vending machine. And then you go, a clickety-clock.

And the egg rolls towards you. There must be an official name for those turners, though. Handle clamps. Handle clamps. You slot the coin in and go... Yeah. Pool machines have a similar mechanism, don't they? Yeah. It's really satisfying those pool tables.. Handle clamps. Handle clamps. Slot the coin in and go whoosh. Yeah. Pool machines have a similar mechanism don't they?

Yeah. It's really satisfying those pool tables. Yeah. When you chuck it in and you shove it. You chunk it in and then

chunk it in and it goes and they all start and they roll into that little vestibule. It's very satisfying. What's that but why are you doing that?

Because you know you put the coins in the slot don't you? Because sometimes they're face down or sometimes they're on their side in slats. But either way, you put the palm of your hand against that handle and you push it in.

And it goes... And then... And the balls fall out. I was listening to some ASMR on the radio. I mean, a program about ASMR. Yeah. And they played some ASMR videos. God, it's annoying.

Some people like it. It's all mouth mouth i can tell you for wet mouth noises which make you know make me my skin crawl well some people like it mr biffo likes asmr and he's told me on numerous occasions he he uses asmr to really yeah he to uh the sounds he clears his throat to it well he said his favorite video was goat screaming. No, he didn't. You're just trying to cultivate a goat fucker image. You're a dog fucker. He's a goat fucker.

You're such an idiot. I'll have you all fucking animals before the end of the world. Before the end of the world you'll have us all fucking animals. When the coronavirus comes I'll be standing on a stack of tyres. Why?

Holding a mop aloft and saying, mop aloft! You're in a stupid mood, aren't you? i'm tired any other news that was good on the source report welcome to cheap show welcome to cheap show everybody every now and then we have said that on this cheap show on this very podcast we're going to take a break from amusing ourselves and we're going to let you amuse us so we have got a package today full of things that that you the listener have given to us in our post box i'm looking forward to this paul and if you'd like to send something to cheap show send it to our post office spot post office box office boss oh we're both on terrible it's

cheap show p.o box one two seven one harrow h.a threeN-S. Post office box 1279 Harrow H-A-3-3-N-S. If you'd like to send us anything. Now, what could they send us? Anything. Noodles.

Noodles. Records we've had. Noodles. Toys. Bespoke prices and shites. Sauces. I will say this before we get into the episode proper.

Pickles. If you do send us something. Modular items. Paltis making kits. If you can make a Paltice-making kit for Eli, I'll make him wear it and take pictures. Catapultus. A whole tranche of poultice-based modular units.

Are you just going through all your cat trades? I'm just trying to get him in. Amplitude? Fuck that one. He's in a right hissy fit today. I am, man. He's on his blob. Come on.

No, I just wanted to say, if you send something in the PO box... I say moist man he's on his blob come on no I just wanted to say if you send something in the PO box I say moist and you say on his blob we're turning into a late 2014 alternative comedy act

yeah skin it and bedill unplanned innit please add your name to the package somewhere put a little note in saying who it's from

and then we can thank you because we'd like to thank you because sometimes I could do nuzzle rounds you could maybe come to your place and give you a secret nuzzle. A midnight scrunchle. So that's what we're doing today.

We're diving into the P.O. box and pulling out all kinds of things. And let's see... It's a P.O. box episode, Paul. It's a pox. Oh, come on, man. What? Come on. A what?

Come on. What? Let's get through this. We've got to get through this. Right, let's just put this on the record now. This is going to be bollocks, this episode, isn't it? It already is. It already is.

So here we are in the house of mash, about to delve into one of your lovely packages now there's a few things we're going through today oh yeah oh god it's a big box

it's a heavy box this is a box of boxes it's not one box full of stuff it's other many many things did you you coagulated

a bunch of other boxes into a larger box yeah is that what you're saying yeah oh here's one so I'm going to start with this one because it's a little bit of fun there's some things in there I think you'll find coagulated a bunch of other boxes into a larger box. Yeah. Is that what you're saying? Yeah. Oh, here's one. So I'm going to start with this one,

because it's a little bit of fun. There's some things in there I think you'll find amusing. I'm going to read the letter it comes with, because this person put a little letter with it. Hand me it, then. It says, don't go rooting yet, because there's surprises. I won't go rooting, but just let me hold it, please. All right, I'll let you hold it, but don't go rooting. I'm just going to put my hand in, ready to root.

Right. Nice postcard. Oh, it's a Where's Willy one. It's a Where's Wangy. It's where you've got to look for a way it's not you've got to stay hard where's you look for a willie no you don't it looks like a weird where's wally it's a willie it's not a willie this is a willie that's not a willie that will never be a willie get it out i've seen it you have not seen my winkle i have how it looks like it looks like keith he's not called keith anymore by the way why why is he not called keith now my winkle. I have. Ow. It looks like Keith. Shut up.

He's not called Keith anymore, by the way. Why? Why is he not called Keith now? You can't just casually drop that in. He's called Keith, but I'm talking about Cheggers. What's wrong with Cheggers? He's almost shrunk to a point of infinite smallness. Can I do a penis joke now, please?

He's now called Chegwin. Chegwin? Chegwin Chegwin Chegwin Keith's embryo mate right do you want to throw that out it has a more regal

noble air to it Lord Chegwin yeah no that's it yes no he's Lord Chegwin the rat fetus

well just throw it out you don't have to keep hold of it I'll keep it why it's a little fetus and it you are gonna be single forever no i'm not come on you're telling me there's no women in the world who wants to enter a room with a smell of pickles and like embryos and all the filth and dust and

misery i'll go spoff you choose some music on soft music sexy music, you know. Hoots mon, there's a moose. Loose, a moose, there's a hoose. Da da da, da da da, come on love. And I'll reach over and she'll think I'm giving her a piece of jewellery because Chegwin lives in a jewellery box and I open it up, there you go. And then she screams her heart out. What is that? Some kind of nut? No.

It is actually a mole. Lord Chegwin. It's Lord Chegwin. Alright, come on, read it out. Let me have a look at that postcard, please. No, you can read it, you can look at it after Lord Jaguin alright come on read it out let me have a look at that postcard no you can read it you can look at it after I've read

can't do both hello Paul and Eli I was clearing up I was clearing up it's good that they said hello to both of us isn't it just admit that's good

say hello back it's not worth it if you're going to interrupt every time I talk just say hello back to bring that to the attention of myself

and I Eli I don't care. I really need you to focus. Oh, I am focusing. Right. I was cleaning up and found some things you might like. So, one.

I'll hand them to you. And you can review them. Okay. Right. Here we go. Here's the first thing for Eli. These are... It is five packs

of toxic high school cards. Cool. And there is gum in there, but obviously don't is five packs of toxic high school cards. Cool. And there is gum in there but obviously don't eat them because they're probably like 20 years old. Are they? So I presume...

How old are they? I want to eat the gum. I presume toxic high school cards are kind of like riding off the garbage pail kids train. They must be. Yeah.

I'd like to get... Not that I'm not grateful for these. I'd like to get some of those dinosaurs attacks ones. I do. I want to get Mars attacks ones as well oh they are you never see those no i mean i love mars i open one of these yeah open one let's have a look at these toxic high school packs i want to see what's in it i've never heard of to be honest i don't i only vaguely remember toxic high school oh these are definitely the same um are they from Tops? Yeah, I believe they are. Are they? Not that I can see. Two cards in a pack.

And they are definitely... They're like high school scenarios. I'll open this one then. They're all gross in a similar way. Because I've got one here, Acne Club. Yeah. Which is all the kids with acne in the Acne Club sort of thing. So it's like...

Oh, so is it like a yearbook kind of thing? Yeah. No, it's not a yearbook kind of thing yeah no it's not a yearbook these look cheaper oh yeah put the big light on these do look cheaper than the quality of a

garbage pile kids card and they're smaller are they yeah they are smaller they're not really the same design as garbage pile kids they're not like mad magazine or they're more

like these are stickers yeah there is garbage pile stickers they were weren't they they're all stickers aren't they yeah you can put them on exercise books or I might you know I might stick this on something yeah Oh, these are stickers. Yeah. They're Garbage Pals stickers. They were, weren't they? They're all stickers, aren't they? Yeah. You can put them on exercise books or... I might stick this on something.

Yeah. Stick it on your pickle. I've got Acne Club. I've got Debate Club. An unblemished record. It says. And Senior Prom. Yeah.

Warren couldn't get a real date. And then what are we seeing? Weird people in a hat? I don't know. You tell me what's there. It looks... I don't get the joke on that one, a hat? I don't know. You tell me what's there. It looks... I don't get the joke on that one, do you? I don't get the joke.

They seem to be wearing hats or something. They're like Russian hats. Yeah. Those Russian Lister hats from Red Dwarf. Yeah. And she looks like her mum. Oh, it says son on her arm. So yeah, he brought his mum to the prom.

He brought his mum to the prom. Well, I've got one that says debate club. The best way to get your point across. And it's two people with massive hammers. One says yes, one says no. And the yes man has smashed his head in.

Oh, they've got things on the back as well. I've got nose picking club and it just says, you dig? Oh, and does it say tops? It is tops. The tops company, 1991.

It definitely is because that's just very similar in concept to the garbage pail kids, isn't it? Do you know what I mean? Oh, look, there's stuff on the back that relates to the stuff on the front. I told you.

Yeah? Go on, then. That's quite cool, isn't it? So you've got the Acne Club. You've got all the members of the Acne Club there. But the writing's extremely small, as it may. It's fucking tiny. I'm doing my head in trying to read this.

I can't read it. It's too small. Oh, look, there's a nose-picking club thing. I have to pick your nose. And this guy's putting his whole fist up his nose. Yeah. There is that gross gross out sort of humour which is definitely

the Topps trademark, isn't it? Do you know what I mean? A bugger chart. Well, maybe this is our reprints of original Topps cards that they did.

Do you know what I mean? Does it have that feel to it? I don't know. It just honestly looks like very, very cheap end of the line cash in on garbage pearl kits.

It does, doesn't it? But it says Topps on it. Yeah. It's made by Topps. But this is what I'm saying. Like, obviously, they had some brands that made? But it says tops on it. Yeah. It's made by tops. But this is what I'm saying. Like, obviously, they had some brands that made the money. 90, 91, these are from. Yeah.

Some brands made the money. Is that late? When was the golden era? Mid-80s? No. I mean, look, what wasn't Dinosaur Tax and Mars Tax? Like, 60s and 70s. They were 60s and 70s, weren't they?

And their baseball cards were, like, huge in the 50s and 60s. Which were actual baseball cards. I would argue that maybe the 80s was their least successful time. But I don't know. These are 90s. But they've got a look about them like 50s high school.

Do you know what I mean? So I'm wondering if they're reprints of stuff they did earlier. Maybe. I mean, it's possible. You are right, because it has that kind of

mad magazine sort of thing. And then there's gum. Well, I've got hygiene class. It all seems to be different classes or clubs or societies, doesn't it? Oh, the gum's got black bits on it. Yeah, the gum is gone, mate.

You wouldn't find me... He's huffed the gum. Come on, that just smells a bit mouldy. Oh, God. I didn't expect that. Mate, he's gone full gag reflex on that. Oh, blimey. Why did that set you off, mate?

I have no idea, because you're right, it wasn't that bad. Paul, do you need a bucket? I can go get the crab bucket. The crab bucket. No. All right, well, there you go. I've got hygiene class. Someone's wee-weed.

And they're all swimming in wee. In wee-wee. And also, I've got hygiene class they're all someone's wee-wee'd and they're all swimming in wee-wee and also I've got the school nurse and she's hooked him up to some kind of unspeak she's killed him

basically all he had was a hangnail and then she's chopped him up or something it's all very 1950s isn't it yeah

I shouldn't open the other two then we'll save those shall we right so next is nice those are nice though I like them I like I like cards

the problem with them is the quality's poor. Because they're small and done on a budget, I kind of feel like... That's what it is, isn't it? They're too small. That's why the writing on the back is unintelligible to me. It's fucking painful to read. You can't read it.

Right. Next one is, would you like 3,000 dong? Yes. There you go. It's 3,000 dong. Oh, money! There you go. Money. I've made it.

I'm going to rub it on the old gooch. N, money. There you go. Money. I've made it. I'm going to rub it on the old gooch. Nubbin. On the gooch. Not the nubbin. Not the nubbin. He says it's about 98% of a penny

or something. I think that's a percent. 98% of a penny. Is that real dong? Yeah, mate. That's real dong. You want to feel my real dong.

That's the only reason, isn't it? Dong, dong, dong. Mate, I'm happy for it. Shlong. Shlong. Shlong, dong. I don't it? Dong, dong, dong. Mate, I'm happy for it. Shlong. Shlong. Shlong, dong. I don't.

Come on, mate. Oolong Dick. Oolong Dick. Yay. The character with no voice. So that's that. So he sent us 3,000 dong. Thank you very much.

So that's about a pound, that. Is it? About, I think. Do you know what? Where's dong from? Where do you get dong? Vietnam. You go to Vietnam for your dong. I don't go and a pound, that. Is it? About, I think. Do you know what? Where's dong from? Where do you get dong? Vietnam. You go to Vietnam for your dong?

I don't go and get dong, mate. I don't need dong. I've got dong. Dong. Listen, I've got all the... Why don't you put dong in your mouth? I've got all the... Roll it up and put the dong in your mouth. I've got all the dong that is needed.

Mate, you put 3,000 dong in your gob right now. I will. Do it for me. All right. Yeah, go on. He's going to put a big dong in his mouth. Do you really want me to do this? Do you want to watch000 dong in your gob right now. I will. Do it for me. Alright. Yeah, go on. He's going to put a big dong in his mouth. Do you really want me

to do this? Do you want to watch it go in? The question, yeah. Slowly. Slower. Slower. Oh, his dong's in his gob.

Alright, and then the last thing. The last thing you're going to love. I won't even say what it is. I like this. This is great. Who sent this to us?

This is from Tom. Thank you, Tom. This is the last item Tom sent and I think you're. I like this. This is great. Who sent this to us? This is from Tom. Thank you, Tom. And this is the last item Tom sent. And I think you're going to like this one the most. What is it? Oh, it's a playing card of some sort. Wait. Turn it over.

I'm turning it over. It's mint on card. Yay! It's a polo mint on a playing card. Now, Paul. Well played, Tom. Is that mint on card or what? That is mint on card. Quite literally mint on card. There you go. So Tom is that mint on card or what that is mint on card

quite literally mint on card there you go I might get that out whenever I need to say mint on card about an object because you know

how much mint on card I get I get plenty mint on card stuff I get plenty mint on card so there you go that's our first

little package thank you very much thank you Tom Tom's dong you're now manhandling his dong how much no but you know what my uh

flatmate just came back from vietnam they don't go lower than a thousand dong oh is that like that's like the one pound note kind of thing no that's like a one penny no really well they don't go smaller so what i don't understand is maybe there's a reason for it just lop off lop off a bunch of zeros yeah but why don't they call it one they generally. So if you go to a shop you go how much is that? They go 20. They mean 20,000 dong. Wow. Do you see what I mean?

Yeah, yeah. I've always never understood why money gets that high. You know what I mean? Why? It's a process known as inflation.

I mean I know that but I've never understood why they don't adjust. Otherwise, you know, 20,000 dog, dog, not 20,000 dogs. Dogs, God.

20,000 dong. 20,000 dogs. Now you're joking. No, we're not. 20,000 dog. Dogs. God. 20,000 dongs. 20,000 dogs. Now you're joking. No, we're not. 20,000 dog dongs. Right. Thank you, Tom. Thanks, Tom.

That's a lovely little prize. I'm in some card. Right. Here's the next box. This is a big one because we're going to end on the platters which came separately.

We've got some great platters as well. Let's just, without spoiling things too much, surprising platter. It was a very surprising platter. Right. Now, this one comes with a letter. I'm going to let Eli rummage. So, there you go.

Oh, is this the whole lot? The rest of this box? No, apart from the record, which is separate, this box is the main segment now. So, we had Tom. This is Michael. He's from Austria, but he spent the last five months studying in Ireland. So excuse his bad grammar.

English is his second language. I've always appreciated people who can learn another language because I never, ever could. I wanted to learn Italian for a while and I couldn't keep it in. Why did we both strangely wanted to learn Italian for a while and I couldn't keep it in. Why did we both strangely want to learn Italian? The woman I was with at the time spoke Italian well and I would go to

Italy with her and sometimes Have you visited Italy, Paul? Yes, I have. I went to a place called Riva del Garda which is a nice little place I think it was

Northern Italy. That's where they all die from coronavirus. Yeah, correct. Keep it chirpy. Keep it chirpy keep it chirpy anyway I'm going to read on while we do this it's a long letter

it's a long letter but I want to get through as much as I can ooh baby I've just seen something in here oh my words alright leave it you've handed it to me I can't help but scrummage Paul you give me a scrummage, I'm straight in there.

Rustling and scrammaging away. Ooh, what's all this scrabble, scrabble, scrabble? Read it then. Read it. I'm holding up the podcast. So he's talking about he's living in Ireland and he's studying and he says some very kind words about how the podcast gets him through some tough times. He likes the Tompy episode a lot, so that's really lovely.

You've got to bring Tumpy back, man. He said he went to the record store, and out of the records he bought, he put three in this box. So we're going to quickly go through them because, no offence. It's a poor show. It's what we would call a regular dig in a charity box selection. So what have we got there briefly? Well, you've got one 7-inch and four LPs. Yeah. A Merillion

7. Merillion, which is one of, I think it's Biffo's favourite band, isn't it? He's well into them, isn't he? Yeah. And he told us that Hocus Pocus by Focus. No, just Focus. Focus by Hocus. They're called Focus. No, they're Focus. Focus by Pocus. It's Hocus Pocus by Focus. Focus Pocus by Hocus. No. Chocus Pocus by Focus. No, just Focus. Focus by Hocus Pocus. No, they're Focus. Hocus Pocus by Focus. It's Hocus Pocus by Focus.

Focus Pocus by Hocus. No. Chocus Pocus. Dog, dog, bing bong. Willy, willy, bing bong. Bing bong, bing bong. Shut up. Hocus Pocus. Look, everyone likes it when you do silly words.

I'm going to start doing it now. Willy, willy, bing bong. Willy, willy, bing bong is not silly words. All right, okay. Come on, come up with a silly word then. Hackety, hackety, hack. No, terrible. Spur, come up with a silly word then. Hackety hackety hack. No, terrible. It has to be... Spurft. The level of spurft.

Flopoppage. I have got lots of amounts of flopoppage. So what other records he's got? He said he went to a charity shop and he found a few and he's put a few of these in this box. So who are the ones? We've got Merillion. Warm Wet Circles remix. The Sound of Music and the Vienna Boys Choir is a great example of what I would call

the kitsch version of Austria, and I wanted to share it with you. Oh, so maybe those songs, albums he recognises because they're part of his kind of... His Johan Strauss, isn't he? It says actually on Fontana, this Vienna Boys Choir. Can't imagine myself...

Look at the quality of this. This is a record that is completely untouched. Holy shit. Yeah, look. You can see that pristine glimmer that vinyl has. It is pristine. No one has ever played. This is unplayed.

Nah, someone must have played it once. No, no. Must have. No, there's marks actually on this side. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Played it. Yeah, played it. James Last, he's got in there.

Now, this is a cover that has popped out at me i like the cover of it it's popped out at me from um from many a record box and you think oh what's that and then you think oh it's a james last yeah isn't it it's like a con it's like oh that's interesting yeah we haven't really covered james last on the show before he is probably one of the if not the most prolific uh recorded musician of all time, I'd say. Everywhere you go, there's like him and Mrs. Mills albums in charity shops. Yeah, but have you noticed there's so many different James Last

albums. I think he put literally about four out a year for 20 years. And they're all puns on the word last. Last night in Hollywood. James Last's forever. James, last but not least. Last to go-go. At last, James Last. James, last but not least. Yeah. Last a go-go. At last, James.

James, last. Oh, I can't last five seconds in bed, James. Something like that. It's the end of the record. At last. At last. Right. James a go-go.

So he's done versions of some classics on this, like Mack the Knife. What does a go-go mean? When people say, oh, it's a go-go or something, what does that imply? A go-go. Yeah, but what does that imply? It means it's all hip and a go-go mean? When people say, oh, it's a go-go or something, what does that imply? A go-go? Yeah, but what does that imply? It means it's all hip and a go-go. Is it like 50s rock and roll, like a go-go? A go-go was like 60s pop, wasn't it?

In fact, it's one of those terms, like rock and roll, that has been used to apply to all sorts of different scenes and genres, because I've got this record, which is a very sort of early soul R&B record called Get On The Go-Go Train. So it was already around obviously in the 50s, the words go-go.

It means, a go-go is a dance, isn't it? Yes, it is. I couldn't tell you what kind of dance. It's a disco. It's another word for a discotheque. A go-go. Then he talks about... But I don't know, you say a go-go, something a go-go, don't you? It usually means like something upbeat or a bit weird. A go-go. A don't know. But you say a go go something a go go don't you? Usually means like something upbeat or a bit weird. A go go.

A go go. It has a very striking silver and neon pink sort of negative. Which is striking. I like the look of it.

Lady on the cover. It's a con. Is it a lady? It's a lady's face. Oh. Can you see that? Oh yeah it is. Now I can see it. Let's just lady? It's a lady's face. Oh. Can you see that? Oh, yeah, it is. Now I can see it.

Let's just see what the track listing is on this. And he's tried to go all fancy-pancy by calling it front and back instead of side one and side two. You know, what did that mean? So we've got My Love. Don't recognise that. Mack the Knife. That's a very famous tune.

Yeah, no standard. Little Brown Jug. Do you know that? Is that Little Brown Jug? It's Claire Miller, isn't it? Thank you. That's life. That's life.

Lara's Theme closes off the first side or front. Oh, that one goes like this. No, it doesn't. Doggy dog. You you haven't sleep that past me by the way i just want you to know yeah and then the back has fly me to the moon fly me to the moon caravan that's you know caravan what a good place to be i believe that's caravan No, that's Caravan of Love. Oh, no, it's not, actually. It's Happy Hour. Well, how does Caravan... Every woman, every man, join the Caravan of Love. Thank you, Paul.

Stand up, stand up, stand up. I can't. I'm on a caravan. I'll fall over. I'm your brother. Shut up. No, Caravan, I think, is like a Louis Armstrong, like an early jazz classic. America, that must be the Paul Simon tune.

Don't know. Or it could be off West Side Story. I want to be in America. Could be that, couldn't it? Who wants some chips in America? I get mugged in America. Do you like eggs in America? Can you get a single egg in America?

No, you can't. It's the answer to that. You go in a place, you say, can I have an egg? They go, eggs. You say, no, I'd like an egg. Eggs. No, just one egg. I'd like one egg.

And they go, eggs? Eggs, eggs, eggs. I'm a British man and I would like one egg. I would like eggs in good art. Yeah. Can you get tea in America? No, you fuck up. No drink tea in America.

They put lemon in the tea in America. Why can't I buy a kettle in America? Can't you? You can't buy pet kettles, right? When I lived in America, it was so hard for me to find just a normal fucking kettle that the people I was living with were like, oh, just use the steamer on the coffee machine to heat the water that way. And I went, you fucking savages.

So, on side two, America then. What now, my love? No idea. What, you're asking me a question? And then, very strange. Yeah. To close the backside, funiculae funicular. Funiculae funicular, don't.

Let me, I'm just looking at some of the writing credits so we can check America. Oh, Ellington. Caravan is Ellington. I was right. Duke Ellington. Or did I say Louis Armstrong? Whatever.

One of those guys. America. Let's go on to the important stuff. It is America from West Side Story. Okay, great. Good. Well, here's the best bit. Read out the letter.

Well, the rest just goes into the whole record. And we've done that now. We're not going to do Demi Rousseau. Let me have a look at this Demi Rousseau one. Oh, God, Demi. Read out the letter. Well, the rest just goes into the whole record. And we've done that now. We're not going to do Demi Rousseau. Let me have a look at this Demi Rousseau one. Please, come on. Quickly. Fire and Ice, Demi Rousseau. Does he look like he's contemplating the smell of his own farts on that cover?

That is very much a man wondering if he should say he's Christ. He's like, part of him is thinking, I could tell everyone I'm Christ. But should I? He's strong he's got the most hilarious imagery on his covers didn't he play a song

of his a few weeks ago on Cheap Show with Demi Rousseau some respect recently the disco one yeah yeah it was cool I like you

or whatever it is I like you it's nice so this is I'm just trying to see if because he worked with Vangelis of course Vangelis, of course.

Vangelis, yeah. In Aphrodite's Child, which was their psychedelic Greek. They were busy mates. And he produced some of his early stuff as well. It doesn't look like this. It was produced by JC Dismati. Opening up the album, On the Greek Side of My Mind. She came up from the north.

There you are. Good days have gone. Too fucking right now. Too fucking right. This used to be amusing, this

podcast. This used to be my playground. We shall dance. Yeah. Well, shall we? I'll be the judge of that.

songs from Demi Rousseau's albums. I know, I'll do it again. That sounds like a serial killer's play. Fire and Ice, that's the name of the

album, closing the first side. Nice. Strong closer. End of the line. We're on the other side now yeah we are my blue ships are sailing my blue balls are straining

I was going to tell you off the straining thing yeah and that worked sealed it thank you mountains beyond

oh my friends you've been untrue to me he's like Christ isn't he he feels like he's Christ one of you has deceived me lord of the flies oh god and without you it's all original stuff i'd be interested to hear it well you know you can now we've been given 1971 i should say it's been sent by a guy

called michael thank you michael thank you michael sent this letter um so let's talk about the snacks now oh can i just say one more thing about Marillion warm wet circles yeah where would you say Marillion hail from Ireland Marillion the singer Fish was Scottish but they don't come from there they still go in Marillion

yeah and they were joined on stage by Focus and they played by Focus with joined on stage by Focus. And they played... Hocus Pocus. By Focus. Yeah. With Focus. On stage. Marillion.

Marillion love songs later. Can I grab the box of goodies now? Because we're going to go... Hang on, wait. Wasn't there a thing you wanted to say about Marillion? That's it. What did you say? It completely went over my head.

I just said they're not Scottish. That's not something worth adding. It's not much of a fact. And they played... It's not a fact to say something that someone's not. Oh, here's a fact. This isn't a blue room. Good fact there, Paul. I like that. It's not something worth adding. It's not much of a fact. And they played up. It's not a fact to say something that someone's not. Oh, it is a fact. This isn't a blue room. Good fact there, Paul.

I like that. It's not a fact. Thanks for telling me that. That's an anti-fact. No, thanks for telling me that. That's good, yeah. It's not good. Oh, I've got one of these.

It is a fact. All the windows aren't open. Also interesting. Thank you. It's not interesting. It is. Right. I'm handling the dong.

He handles it well. Oh, great. Right, let's go on to the dong. He handles it well. Right, let's go on to the snacks. Let's go on. I mentioned the kitsch version of Austria, that's why I sent you two very touristy Austrian snacks. The Mozart Klugen, or Mozart Balls, is what they're called. Mozart Balls.

Mozart Balls. I'm going to stuff Mozart's balls in my gobble. Honestly, when you wake up in the day, you never think you're going to hear a friend of yours say, I'm going to stick Mozart's balls in my gobble. That's what we live for here. These look like some kind of praline or something. So he says they exist in many different versions

by many different companies, and some of those are getting into legal disputes over the Mozart Kugel trademark. Ah, so it's actually a delicacy. It's a type of chocolate. That isn't one thing. Interesting. Because if you're looking at that,

you'd think that must be the brand. Well, I'm guessing it's like Jaffa Cakes to some extent. Jaffa Cakes, yep. Because Jaffa Cakes aren't a McVitie's brand. They're just the name of that kind of biscuit. And people bring out... Cake, biscuit, whatever. Yeah, they can call their knockoff a Jaffa Cake.

Yeah. It is a Jaffa Cake. Yeah. Because's not... It is a Jaffa cake. Yeah. Because it's just a form of cake. A form of orange, a form of bread. Yeah. Bread. Orange bread.

It's cake bread. Cake is bread. Bread-y cake. Cake-y bread. I like cakes that are more like bread. Yeah? Like a banana bread. Or pineapple upside-down cake.

Have you had that? No. That's fucking great. I'm not... I'm very funny about where I want my pineapple. Upside-down is good. No, it's not. I'll very funny about where I want my pineapple upside down is good no it's not I'll hand you one of these mate

I've already got one out there we go so I'm going to try one now these are little they've got a picture of Mozart on the front they've got a bit of weight to them these don't they

I think they've probably got some praline in they've got a bit of girth praline praline praline praline praline

what the fuck are you talking about I've always struggled with that word praline how do you say it I say praline praline but I fuck are you talking about I've always struggled with that word how do you say it I say praline praline but I think I mostly say that because of

Monty Python is the praline oh is that where they have the chocolate box full of ducks yeah you know it's like the crunchy frog it's that thing

now be careful it might be liquid filled it feels like it's got a raspberry in it or something like a oh you know what I mean it smells just like

one of those liqueurs those chocolate liqueurs yeah that you get in the chocolate boxes at a oh you know what I mean it smells just like one of those liqueurs those chocolate liqueurs yeah that you get in the chocolate boxes at Christmas and you think oh that's got liquid in I bet it's got liquid in

careful it doesn't drip down you I'll be careful to not drip mozart balls on my tongue it smells of cherry yeah that's what I just fucking said

you didn't say cherry it's like do you remember those sweets in ages ago that came in like packs and like they were chocolate dark chocolate with a cherry kind of crumbly fondant-y

thing in the middle. I can't remember what they were called. I'm going to try this. I've had these before. No. No! It's got what I hate in.

What? Fucking marzipan. Oh, God. Thank you. Mmm. Thank you. No. Mar... What's your problem...

Marzipan! What's your problem with marzipan? There's something about the flavour that really upsets me. Why? It's got that... Almond. Almondy. I don't like it.

I don't like it, and I won't have any more of Mozart's marzipany balls in my mouth. Right. However, if you do like that kind of thing, I can imagine it being quite nice. So, you know, there's a Wikipedia article about this strange confection. Personally, I don't much care for them. The version I send you is a store-bought one by Manor. The company is particularly famous for their hazelnut-filled wafers called Manor Schittinen.

Manor Schittinen. Youafers called Manoschnitten. Manoschnitten. You say it. Manoschnitten. Manoschnitten, thank you. Manoschnitten. It's funny, when I hear it said, it's easy to understand, but then when I'm reading it, my eyes go, I don't want it.

There's two S's there, and it goes... Schnitten. You know when the S's are all backed up, and they go... Is that what this is? No. What's that? Isn't that Manoschnitten? No, I don't know. We've got a wafer.

He sent us two of those wafers. All right, let me read the letter again. Oh, this is Manor Schnitten, yeah. It is. Well, it says Manor there, doesn't it? Oh, and ween. Hang on. Oh, hang on.

Yeah, no, he's talking about this now. Two of which I've put in the package. Okay, cool. Personally, I enjoy the taste, but there are many similar products. To me, there's a certain nostalgia surrounding these wafers. I get that. You can see there would be it's not a nice design but it's again sort of mid 20th century style design isn't it it's like an old-fashioned rap kit kat almost but the design is like another one of those

sort of mid mid 20th century sort of uh railway posters or something like that you know what i mean that's a sort of uh that kind of opening both just open that one i'm opening the mannish knitting he's opened the mannish knitting right a little it's a very wafery huff because wafers that sort of that kind of say what say you're opening both just open that one I'm opening the Manish Knitten just open the Manish Knitten right up it's a very wafery huff because wafers you know the old

pink wafer that's an old British staple isn't it the old pink wafer I think this is going to be extremely similar

Paul to that but what kind of it's got it looks like it's a wafer with like chocolatey segments

oh no hazelnut chocolate segments by the looks of things that's fine yeah it's a hazelnut chocolate wafer and it's vegan well that's Yeah, it's a hazelnut chocolate wafer.

And it's vegan. Well, that's good. Oh, it's not made of any animals. Or dogs. Or animals. How much of this do you want? Just a small bit? Just give us a half,

whatever it comes like. They come in nice little wafers. Oh. I've come in wafers. Have you? You know what I mean? Have you come into a biscuit? Have you ever played Soggy Biscuit?

I don't know. You did, didn't you? I did. You fucking totally did. What I want to know is how do you manage to come on the biscuit? I've never played Dribble Bicky. I've never played Dribble Bicky. What I want to know, though, Paul, what is turning me on?

What is turning you on? That's a good question. No, when I want to wank onto the biscuit. The idea of finishing on the biscuit. Of not having to eat it. No, you have to eat it. You don't have to eat it. You do in my house.

It's the last one to come. So it's a race to the end then, isn't it? Yeah, but just trying not to eat come. You just focus and think of your mum the whole time when you get there real quick. You know what I'm getting at? Yeah. I'm eating it.

Standard wafer. Standard wafer. Pleasant enough. Okie dokie by me. That's quite nice. Hmm. I don't really like wafers, though. I'm not really a big fan of wafers.

It's fine. It's got a nice crunch. Quite nice, yeah. Bit for Lillerie. Who sent this letter? And this box? Michael. Michael, thank you.

Won't go to waste, mate. No. He'll make sure it goes right down. My flatmate's like a fucking hoover. Leave stuff out that you want finished. Honestly. It's like a room bar. The last snack I sent are some sour gummies.

Oh, baby. For a long time. You saved the best for last, Michael. Oh, I've got impact. For a long time, I thought they were Austrian, but they are German, as I found out putting this package together. Hitschler.

They're called Hitchler. Great. Heil Hitchler. No. You think that's how he found out they were German? Oh, God. I originally bought them a few years back as a snack for vegetarian friends, as there's no gelatin in them.

They are very sour, which I enjoy a lot. How sour? Thank you for the... Yeah. So, once again, thank you from the bottom of my heart. All the best. Michael, thank you very much, Michael. Thank you, Michael. I've never seen these before. Oh, and the rubber Yeah, so once again, thank you from the bottom of my heart. All the best. Michael, thank you very much, Michael. Thank you, Michael. I've never seen these before.

Oh, and the rubber duck, he says at the end, sorry, at an amendment, is a present from a friend who bought it at a sale, but I don't know the price. There is no story behind it. It's just, I just left it in. Well, yeah, it's going to be our good hands. Well, it's a lady rubber duck. She's a princess. No, she's a wedding duck.

She's getting married. She's a bride. Virgin bride? No, I don't know about virgin. Well, she's a wedding duck. She's getting married. She's a bride. Virgin bride. I don't know about virgin. Well, she's not a virgin anymore, mate. No, because you're going to stick it on your nubbin. Right? That's just... Nubbin action.

Deployment. If anyone sends anything in the PO box, and it's like a toy, a teddy bear, a plastic figurine, Eli will smear his dick. I'm not smearing. Come on. He will smear. Don't smear me by suggesting I have smeary parts.

You have very smeary parts. No, I don't have smeary parts. You have dribbles. This is a dry denim rub rub. That's what it is. Anyway, the point is... And there she goes. She's enjoying it.

They will be face first to his genitals. That's all you need to know. I'm doing this rubber duck doggy style. God. The thing is, ladies and gentlemen... I call her madam. He does this. He doesn't just say it.

We all laugh. I'm watching him rub a rubber ducky on his nubbin listen it has to be real for people to believe it no I think it has to be real for you to get a little bit

of a chub on no I haven't got a bit of a chub on how dare you show me your chub then show me it I'm not showing you show me it now

and prove me it prove it it's nothing erect oh I wish I'd never said that there's nothing there no you've heard that before. Shut up.

Right, so let's try the gummies to end on. We're going to try these gummies, veggie gummies. Wait, wait. Oh, it's got a squeezy action. It says 100% veggie. Oh, but I'm going to have that in the bath. I mean, I'll put it in the bath. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, I'm going to play with it in the bath. And then you're going to put this bit right on the end of your meters, aren't you? And you're going to blow. Oh, you could get an embolism doing that. No, you couldn't get an embolism by blowing it. If you've got bubbles up your meters, that could be serious. Bubbles up your meters sounds like awful reggae.

That would be, honestly... Bubbles up your meters. Shakedima implies. Implies with bubble up your meters. And now, Aswad, with bubble up your meters and now Aswad with bubble up your meters look into your big brown eyes right let's have a look

at these comedies you know the other thing that sort of tells me this is a bit Nazi is it's 100% veggie it's not that's lazy comedy

woof woof poo poo willy fannies come on no come on you know there's that the whole sort of I think it's 100% veggie. It's not. No, no. That's lazy comedy. Woof, woof, poo-poo, willy fannies. Come on. No, come on. You know, there's the whole sort of... I think it's not true. It's not true

that Hitler was vegetarian. I don't believe that's true. No, I don't think so. I don't. And also, when people tell those stories, what are we meant to think? Oh, it wasn't all bad

because he didn't fucking eat meat. Yeah. No, no, they're not. It's anti-vegetarians. Oh, is it? Yeah, there's people who think that all evil in the world is started by vegetarians. It's not. It's anti-vegetarians. Oh, is it? Yeah, there's people who think that all evil in the world is started by vegetarians.

It's not. There's a website called Vegetarians Are Evil, and they're serious, man. Really? Yeah. How can you be bothered to be bothered about that? I know, but this is one of those things. How can you get worked up? It's like when people get worked up about,

oh, there's going to be a female 007 in the new Bond film. I can't watch it. I think, fuck off. Fuck off. Take a hot pin and fucking jab it up your fucking unused meters. Unused meters! And get a proper fucking

HH Omzon. Also, the other thing about those arguments are like, Hitler also loved dogs. So what we're saying is Eli's like Hitler. No, Hitler also loved children. So are we meant to think that all evil people love children as well? It's just false.

It's false reasoning to say that his vegetarianism, or not a lack of it, had anything to do with the atrocities. Because when you have a story, and the story is X is bad, and you've got nothing more to say, some cunt eventually goes, ah, but X also did this. Yes, this is what I mean. This is exactly what I'm getting at. When you've run out of stories to tell, you then start going... I'm going to give this a proper Huffington. Oh, he's going to give but X also did this. This is what I mean. This is exactly what I'm getting at. When you've run out of stories to tell,

you then start going... I'm going to give this a proper Huffington. Oh, he's going to give the gummies a huff. Pressure injection huff. Oh, that's got a strong, fruity huff. That looks like that was an acidic huff. It's got a good, gummy, strong, gummy huff. Let's have a look.

I want to have a little sniffles. Have a little sniffle there. Oh. Oh, cool. Do you know what I mean? It's got a look. I want to have a little sniffles. Have a little sniffle there. Oh. Oh, cool. Do you know what I mean? It's got a strong smell. I'm going to pick... I'm pulling it out.

I'm going to take two. I've got orange and I've got purple flavour. Do you think they will be differentiated in terms of their flavour? I'm hoping so. Right, I'm going to put them in my gob. And we want to know how sour it is as well. Not sour enough for Paul, obviously. It's not an instant sour.

They're not very sour. They're sour. They're not like... They're not a fizzy sour. It's more just a sort of... It's a sweet sour. But it's not like an intense, hard sour like the Vimto one, for example, which is impossible to keep in your mouth.

I think these are very nice. They are quite nice. Are they different flavours? They're different colours, then? Let me try this one now. I'm going to try a different flavour. I had a yellow one. All right.

I'm having a purple one now. I'm having a green one now. I think the answer's probably. They taste exactly the same. Yeah. But nice. Yeah. As far as those things go.

Go on, mate. You know, I've cut out sugar from my diet. Yeah. This segment's bad for me. I'm already getting a fingle. A weird tingly fingle all over me. Really? From eating the sugar?

It's good that you cut them down. You had that latte. That was packed full of sugar. Right, that's the end of that segment. Thank you very much, Michael. Thank you. That's a lovely box. We're looking forward to chowing down on all the good things you've given us.

What are we going to call the duck? Diana Duck. Yeah. What? Yeah. What's wrong with that, the duck? Diana Duck. Yeah. What? Yeah. What's wrong with that, Diana Duck? That's good, yeah. It's a bit of alliteration.

Dirty Diana. I could sing that to her. Duck. I could actually. Can you fill him with water and squirt it out? Probably. You could probably put it in the bath, squeeze it, let it go under the water, suck it all in.

Yeah. Remove it from the water. Retrieve your bellend from under the water. Squeeze the tip of your helmet put the duck on the top of the penis meet us and then with a little

bit of a squeeze yeah a little bit of a squeeze just open the eye up and then you squirt that water right down how you clean the inside of your meter

yeah right out blast it out I don't think you need to clean inside there I think it's normal processes do that

well I use a swab. I'm glad we're ending this segment now. I'm glad we're ending this segment. It's ending segment. We didn't have anything. Dirty Diana duck. Quack, quack. Meet us.

Dirty Diana. Quack. Shut up. We've had a bit of a dong update. We have had a dong update. I've recorded that, so I'll stick it at the end of have had a dong update. I've recorded that, so stick it at the end of the episode. All right. I've recorded that,

so stay behind the credits for a little sneak peek about Eli's dong. It's everyone's dong. It's everyone's dong now. We've all handled it. It's got our dirty fingers all over. I'm bored of dong dancing.

What's coming up next on the show, Paul? Well, we were given... We were sent some seven-inch singles, but we don't even know who by. No, unless there's something in the packaging somewhere you can see, is there? But someone took an album cover and cut it off. Quite well-packed.

Yeah, quite well-packed. So they obviously know what they're doing. They've used a background music specially recorded for film, radio and television LP cover, Boozy and Hawks, which is one of those companies, like KPM or whatever. Like we've used on of those companies. Yeah. Like KPM or whatever. Like we've used on the Twitch stream.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. One of those. So he sends us in that. I mean, presumably he could be a she, could be anyone. Could be little Ruffy Ruff Ruff. It won't be Ruffles the dog.

It might be Ruffles the dog. It might be Bicky's. What about Quentin the dog? Quentin the theatre critic dog? Do you even remember what that voice is? Five stars. I'm convincing. Leave.

So, what did you think of Parasite, critic dog? Second watch. Bottles. Oh, he's so fickle, isn he good themes okay stop that i'm sick of fucking quentin now so we were sent a bunch of uh vinyl what some of which i'm going to save for a later date for various reasons it was a lovely selection i have to say really good when we get it shits all over michael's piss poor demi you you leave Michael alone and that fucking fell for the oldest trick in the book the fucking pink and silver

James Laster go go LP James Laster go go the sound of music he sent us as well come on but the point is

is that it reminded of his Austrian roots that's why you picked the Austrian sound of music you know oh of course because that's based

in Austria isn't it it's in the Alps isn't it on the border and the Beethoven buttons Mozart balls Beethoven buttons. But Mozart balls. Beethoven buttons, I don't know what they are.

They're a different thing. Yeah. Mozart balls, Beethoven buttons and list snacks. I know. Come on, you think of another composer then. There was Mozart balls that didn't have alliteration. So come on, you think of another composer right now, Mr. Silverman, and make a snack. Who's that guy, Bar?

Black Sheep I think he had some wool Bartok Balls you can't so balls again you come up with something new Bartok Bartok Bonbons

Bach's Bonbons Bach's Bonbons I will give you that's good Tchaikovsky's Coffee Coffee Coffee Tchaikovsky's Coffee Drops

yes yes yes woo yeah join us tomorrow on the breakfast show for more Tchaikovsky's Coffee Drops. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Woo. Yeah. Yeah. Join us tomorrow on the Bradford Show for more composer puns. Tomorrow, it's composers and movies.

Bach to the future. Yeah. We have fun, don't we? We have a lot of fun. We have a lot of fun on Cheap Show. So, yeah. Do you have fun on Cheap Show, ladies and gentlemen? We do. We have a lot of fun. Have have a lot of fun on Cheap Show. Do you have fun on Cheap Show, ladies and gentlemen? We do.

We have a lot of fun. Have you got a lovely little selection here? So someone sent us some records and... Going to save a couple. Yes, because they are pertinent to future programming. We will start with this one, though, because we can't play it. It's just the kind of novelty records. Oh, you're going to cover that, are you?

Yeah, but we can't play it. But I want to bring it to attention because I think it's interesting. Maybe I can find it online and play a clip. Okay. So, a selection of seven inches. Mostly of the novelty or children's record genre. I mean, I don't know if he... To be fair, it looks like these have been curated.

Like he's picked these out or they've picked these out. I was thinking they. To be of interest to us. Because these are definitely the type of record that we cover on the Splatter, isn't it? Definitely. On the splatter segment which if you don't know is the Silverman's Platters

which is the segment of the show where we talk about records and songs and the patron saint is Clyde McFatter so get with it daddy

oh you know the scene okay daddy so the first one we're going to talk about because we can't play but let's mention it is a I thought it was going to

come with a book but it doesn't it's one of these learn about records where it's a piece of vinyl and you learn about things like the alphabet numbers manners words safety animal sounds colors seasons in the calendar sounds shapes and this one that we've got here cars boats and planes and it says on the back using a marvelous combination of information comedy and songs songs, the marvellous Dr. Swan leads children into the world of education in a way that is often unique and always entertaining. Learn About deals with the everyday life experience of the preschool child and can relate to these adventures.

This series, through the use of stories and memorable songs, subtly teaches perceptual, auditory and motoric skills. Motoric? Motoric. Motoric skills. Explainic? Motoric. Motoric skills. Explain what it looks like. Now, a lot of these kids' records of this ilk, seven inches of this ilk,

if you'll notice, the cover is taller than your standard seven-inch sleeve. Yes. You see that? Much taller. It looks more like a book. Yeah. But they did that for some reason with these kind of records. I don't know why,

because I have a Planet of the Apes story record and it has, again, an elongated cover. Yeah. So it's something to do with... And this looks like it could be made by the same company, actually,

as my... Well, the company's called Learn About. And it's from Peter Pan Records and I believe Peter Pan... Yeah, they make these. It's the Peter Pan... It's the Peter Pan format

is to have a longer... I think Peter Pan did the things like the Pac-Man albums and stuff like that. Yeah. They did kids' records. Yeah. They must have folded at some point when records went out of fashion. Well, you can't fold a record, can you?

Well, if you want to break it, you can. Peter Pan. Now, you know what's interesting as well that I noticed? When you said all these educational titles. Yeah. So you've got the alphabet, important. Yeah. Num alphabet important yeah numbers fucking i think they're important manners yeah fine words safety animal sounds colors seasons all of these are important yeah there's one that's just sounds yeah also good shapes also good but then you've got cars boats and planes it was like where's that fitting it was you know that is that is important the sound of like industry or transport is as important

it's because they said can you make 10 out 10 records to send that they went well we've got good ideas for nine and then they sat there what are we going to do for the 10th one the car goes past that's fucking car that is a plane there's a boat. There's a fucking train. Train, boat, cars. Fuck them. Fuck them. Have you got a speedboat, Alan? Send Gary out one. Have you got a speedboat, Alan?

Yes, I do, actually. I would it on Balls Eye. Well, get it out. That's a good one, that. I've got a boat. He doesn't have a boat, does he? Gary just sits in the corner and says he's on Baywatch. No.

Balls Eye. Am I the only person in the world who's confused Balls Eye and Bayswatch? Bayswatch. Fuck it, Al. I'm too tired. You're too tired. It's a late night show, ladies and gentlemen, and we're reaching the end of our tether.

Heart, heart tired. So see if you can find some of that. I do love the design of these children's records and especially the dot work on the actual label, Paul. You know what I mean? Oh, it's nice. That little dot work. Unfortunately, the record itself was in pretty bad condition

with scratches and blotches and blobs and crusties. Yeah, it's got some encrustments. And we just didn't fancy Ken Friedman as Dr. Swamp. Have you heard of Ken Friedman? Absolutely not. There you go. Oh, look, the Twin Towers. They're in New York.

Oh, yeah, it's in New York. Hang on. What's on that cover that I would like to complain about? Two children? No. A whale? No. Statue of Liberty?

What's a submarine doing there? Is a submarine? Is a submarine. Is it a boat? Is a submarine a boat? They call it a U-boat. Is it a boat? No.

Well, then it shouldn't be on that fucking record. All right. It was because they had a job lot of sound effects. What have we got left? We've got car start, engine, car start. No, car close. Brain not work. Brain not work.

Beginning to worry. Brain not work. Car start, train engine, submarine noise. Yeah. Whoop, whoop. Now they go, doof. Doof. Don't they?

Doof. Doof. Come in, Jim. I'm underwater. Doof. Come in, Jim. I'm underwater. Are you trying to do Star Trek there, weirdly?

No, there's some guy called Jim who's in a submarine. And he's, come in, Jim. Come in. Come in, Jim. I'm underwater. Well, I'd be interested to hear that. I might play a bit of it. There's not the encrustments on both sides,

but it's a nice item, isn't it? Yes. Well, ferry boats and tugboats, and I saw some canoes and sailboats, of course, the submarines and the ocean liners. Well, they're all going places on the water. Going places on the water. Going places on the water. Nothing could be finer.

You can fish in a little rowboat. Or sleep in the cabin of a big ocean liner. Going places on the water. In a boat with a sail. On a lake or on the ocean where you might see a whale. You can take a boat and learn to water ski. You can take a ferry boat To the Statue of Liberty

Going places on the water Paddling a canoe Going places on the water Is a fun thing to do Well, Mr. Wheeler the Wheel was listening to all this and learning that although he was important on the land, that he wasn't the only way of getting around. The thing is also,

could I just say one more point with children's records? Because they're children's records, it's very hard to find. They're one of the genres that is going to be the most bashed up, if you think about it. Yeah, true, because they get a lot of play. Kids on them, aren't they?

Kids, Dirty Anne's touching them and sticking them. That's like you start to get mint copies of the Muppet show records. Because kids have ruined it. I love those. Kids ruin everything. Those are possibly the best in the genre. What, the Muppet show ones? Muppet show album one and two are both classics.

Were they made to be albums? Like they were recorded specially? Yes, absolutely. They're great. They're great. They are great. Because you know, they obviously might have released edits of the TV show.

There are songs that are featured on the TV show, but they've done it. They've gone into the studio and recorded new bits and it's all for the studio. Yeah. I bet that's nice.

I've not heard any of them. Have you not? They're classic. They're part of a real central part of my childhood was the Muppets album. Right, well next one. We're going to do...

Well, this is interesting. We were sent a track called... Oh, I can never say this. Pressen Colleen Insen Anil Kilsol. Easy for you to say. It's really fucking not. Pressen Colleen Insen Anil Kilsol. But you said this is the original version of this song.

It must be the original version because he... The artist, who is? Adriano Celentano, and he wrote this song and it's called that title and it sounds like this. Prison call in Aynst and Aynst, you's all. You're the cold maids of Seywan. Prison call in Aynst and Aynst, you's all. All right. We'll be right back. ¶¶ ¶¶ So the reason why I know this song

He's Italian not Spanish by the way Oh he's Italian Well here's the reason why I know this song Because you know a comedian might read Triffy. He was also in EastEnders. He's also in EastEnders. And he did my favourite version

of Chantilly Lace. He also did a version of this song. I'm going to play that now as well right now. Cool. What happens to the kids on the kettle machine? Like a line in the tits and have a grub, a grub, a good time That's the trick, y'all We can see them in the shadows of the whole gum of man

There are 200 cars and not a whole one to drive the thing Aye, aye, my sand flex And if it's so joey, pay so high You can call me to say one breezing cone And if it was so, Joey Peso, I... You can call on me to say one breezing cone, Her name today ain't too so, all right. She got Bill Shigga down at the door, Left a favour of a nasty light beating you all. so here's that's why you know it but you say oh this is It's not. It just happens to be a song that... Well, okay, so Adriano Selentano, Italian singer-songwriter. He is dubbed il mollegentio, the flexible one, because of his dancing.

Ooh. He was a good dancer. Let's have a look into his biography, shall we? Born in Milan, and the address of where he was born 14 via Cristoforo Gluck became the subject of a famous song il ragazzo della via Gluck the boy from Gluck City wow do you know that no no anyway they moved north as a family heavily influenced by Elvis Presley and American actor Jerry Lewis he started playing in a rock band with Giorgio Gaeber and Enzo Giannacci. I don't know who they are.

Anyway, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Different bands, different singer. He was cast as a rock star in the film La Dolce Vita. That's a famous film, isn't it? It's part of the Italian New Wave, yeah. Like bicycle Vs and things like that came from that whole movement. And La Dolce Vita is like the one.

Is it called the New wave in Italy as well? Because it was in France as well, wasn't it? Wasn't it Italian neorealism? Yeah. Yeah. I think so. And it was French new wave. French new wave, Italian neorealism.

But they were going on at a similar time, weren't they? They were. And that's why you get that, like the growth of Truffaut at the same time as that whole movement. So a lot of those films have similar styles. Yes. You can imagine like Bicycle Thieves is a very kind of whimsical nature, the same as like The 400 Blows. Bicycle Thieves was one of the first films to use non-actors, didn't it?

Oh, yeah. It used just street children. It's been a long time since I studied Italian neorealism cinema. Oh, you studied it, did you? I did, actually, at university. Antonioni? No. I don't know.

He did Blow Up. You know Blow Up. Oh, I do know Blow Up so he was in that you know Blow Up oh I do know Blow Up that's Antonioni yeah that's good that is good

he always interesting what's that one with Travolta that was like which is like an update of Blow Up but it was

instead of that picture that he revealed it was sound it was sound it was called Blow Out Blow Out and it was directed by... De Palma, wasn't it?

Yeah. Celentano. He also played the role of Satan in Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ. Oh, really? God. Yeah. Does Satan appear?

I thought there was just a baby. I can't remember. It was just an evil baby. He was like the Satan baby or something. I only watched it out of morbid curiosity to see what the fuck that film was all about. And instantly, I mean,

almost within the first 50 minutes regretted putting myself through it. It was a miserable fucking film. I didn't like it, but I did like... The Last Tentation of Christ? No,

the one where the the Incas or whatever and they're running around. Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Crystal Skull? No, the Mel Gibson one, Atlanticano or something.

Oh, Apocalypto. Yeah. Yeah. You a big fan of Mel Gibson? No Atlanticano or something. Oh, Apocalypto. Yeah. Yeah. You a big fan of Mel Gibson? No. Do you agree with his opinions? He's been in... I love the Mad Max franchise.

I love the Mad Max franchise. What about Lethal Weapon? Don't like that that much. What about... Do you like Mel Gibson in... Nothing else. Bird on a Wire with Goldie Hawn. I haven't seen that.

You don't? No. It's not very good. So anyway, the song we're talking about now, because he's released 40 albums in his life, flipping heck,

three live albums, eight compilations. His most popular songs are La Copia Più Bella del Mondo, which sold over a million copies. Also, Press Con...

This song we listened to. This one. It's a nonsense word, isn't it? Well, it said it was written to mimic the way English sounds to non-English speakers despite being almost entirely nonsense. I'll give it a go. And he was mentioned in a... Price and Colleen and Sine and Cusol.

Yeah. Weird. He was featured in the song Enjoying the Blockhead's Reasons to be Cheerful Part 3 for being in Fellini's 1986 film Ginger and Fred. Okay. He's a big defender of animal rights

and likes Inter Milan as a football team. Oh, well, we've learned all about him, haven't we? I want to talk into the track itself. So, Prescon

Prescon Illilixisol is a song by this guy. Yeah. Performed by him and his wife. Let's see the covers. Let's have the cover versions.

What are the cover versions? Well, I'm having a look, aren't I? covers. Let's have the cover versions. What are the cover versions? Well, I'm having a look, aren't I? I bet there's no other cover versions. The song was released in 1972. It did all right. UK release was given a simpler title of The Language of Love. Oh, so this isn't the UK release that I'm holding then? No, no, no.

The song appeared on the 2008 dance compilation album Pop Life Presents Pop Life Sucks. There's a hip-hop parody. This is the English release. Well, maybe, yeah. This was made in English. Yeah, but that's what I'm saying. It doesn't have any English in it. It doesn't have any foreign language in it.

It's nonsense, isn't it? Yeah, but you said they changed the title. Yeah, they changed the actual title of the song when they showed it. But obviously, they haven't there because it's got the full track on. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. And the song became a bit of an internet meme. In 2009, it was posted on Boing Boing.

I don't know. Maybe the video's a bit weird for it. I don't know. God, there's loads of covers. There's loads of covers? Yeah. The song is also used as one of the revolving bumper song intros to the Rush Limbaugh radio show. Wow. What a fucking weird thing.

So yeah, there's been... And obviously, as I say, Mike Reed did a cover of it, so that's been and obviously as i say mike reed did a cover of it so that's good would you say you prefer the original or mike reed's interpretation mike reed's obviously it is actually better you love his version of chantilly lace as well i love it and it's what it's literally the song i want played at my funeral chantilly lace his version yeah it's good to know just to put it out there that's all right next track is is one that i think is i don't get it i remember this this is quite a faint you know when you something's you remember something but you don't know in what context or anything else apart from the fact that you remember it you see i've see, I've never heard of this. It's called Now It's Paul McCartney, Stevie Wonder,

Alice Cooper, Elton John by Clive Baldwin. And can you explain to the song, to the people listening, what the song is about? Well, it starts with a sort of skit where a man wakes up after 25 years in a coma and then is told that there is Paul McCartney now

or something. And then he sings in a sort of cod, what would you call that style of singing? It's meant to be Al Johnson's singing. So it's that whole kind of blackface music. Minstrel sort of jazz singer. Because that's the thing, Al Johnson before I remember, was a white

guy playing a black guy and singing in the style of a black guy. So that voice was affected wasn't it? It wasn't his real singing voice. It was an effective accent to make him sound black. It was a sort of stereotype-type black voice. Can you tell me what the artist's name is again? Sorry, I'll do a search for this.

Clive Baldwin. Clive Baldwin. This is a proper novelty record. He did an album called An Evening With Al Johnson. So is he... He just did an impression... He loves Al Johnson. Jolson.

Hang on. The Gazette Live. What's this? If this is the right... If this is the same guy, there's an article for the Teesside Live Gazette, and it says, Clive Baldwin lives in a black and white world,

and in a very politically correct world, that incorrectness is most unusual. What a fucking horrible sentence. Terrible. You're meant to be a journalist and you write that? Well, they work for the T-side, whatever, don't they?

He has been banned, told to cut out the black and made to keep everything whiter than white, but his legend lives on. Yorkshireman Clive is a singer, but more than that.

Great, we've uncovered a racist. Another old racist cunt appears on Chief Show. He is a minstrel, possibly the last. It was that rapist last time, wasn't there?

Yeah. The fucking guy stalking people in his fucking... Anyone could get a fucking record deal back then. Oh, what's your USP? Oh, fuck dogs. Eli, your record career is... You can't talk. My brain is not fucking working.

It's because you... Sorry, Paul. I'm sorry. It doesn't. Your brain... I can see what you're trying to say and then you can't say it. I can't get there.

I've got pod impotence. Yeah, know what it is. It's like a stutter, isn't it? Anyway, he's a minstrel, possibly the last, arguably the best and is the most famous for being someone else.

He's a cunt. Just write normally, you fucking cunt. This journalist, it ate him. He colours his white face black and becomes

Al Jolson there we go he blacks out yeah before the second world war Jolson was the first great

world entertainer and the first superstar he spoke the immortal first words ever heard on film and when he

declared at the start of the original movie you ain't seen nothing yet Clive can say the same Teesside audiences

love him and he loves Teesside audiences love him and he loves Teesside returning regularly year after year this is a terrible article he is the Ken Dodd of the music business do you know what this sounds like

this sounds like he's written this sent it to the journalist and the journalist just fucking tidied it up and then gone yeah because

they don't no one would call him no one would call him the Ken Dodd of the music business he's come up with... This Baldwin's a cunt, mate. And his record's shit. And I don't know what his voice sounds like, but it's about to

sound like this. The audiences are tremendous and people are always glad to see me. That's the kind of response I get, he says. His Legend of Jolson show. This is a fucking horrible written piece of crap. Well, you're going to have to try and get through it or let me take over, Paul. Shall I take over?

You take over. I'll review it from the very, very top. It's not just me. It seems like it's written. I'll try and get through. Yeah. It does sound badly written, to be honest. It's not just you.

Okay. His Legend of Jolson show, Clive Baldwin, The World's Greatest Minstrel. That needs some punctuation, right? It needs like quotation marks around the title. It needs more to sort of, yes. It's the way it comes in and it's his name. It doesn't sound like the title of, but that's what the title it needs more to sort of yes it's the way it comes in and it's his name it doesn't sound like the title of but it what that's what their title is okay so his show is called clive baldwin the world's greatest minstrel right is in the region and plays the

civic theater at darlington on tuesday god quotation marks he was a genius in black and white he declares i try to establish myself i'm aided and abetted by Al Johnson, but I'm not him. Despite this, many think he is Al. And Clive really does not mind if you call him Al. What? Paul Simon joke? Oh, that's a, yeah. You like this guy now.

No, I just understood that it was a joke. And now I'm kind of like, actually, it wasn't worth the travel. And we go back to Baldwin's quoting. Yeah. He says, people fuzz the line between who is who, he says. They don't care how much I disclaim it. They still think I'm him. But when I see how satisfied they are after each show, what can I do?

It's a magic thing. And more so here than anywhere I've ever noticed. There's a real adulation. I love it but I've never lost sight of who I am. A cunt. Now pushing into his late 60s

Clive has been singing professionally like Jolson for nearly 50 years. Yeah. That's more than him he says. He only sang his famous songs for 30 years.

Oh God. Do you want to continue? Depends on how much he goes up his own arse in this article. Because he's crawling up there deeply. These include his songs, they mean, Jolson's songs that he sang. These include Mammy, Swanee River, April Showers, and California Here I Come. And as Jolson died in 1950, they should have been confined to the great old charts of history. That's right.

Yeah. That they live on is as much down to Clive as anyone else. He comes from Hull, but has been living in America for nearly 40 years, has acquired a solid mid-Atlantic accent, and for the past 35 years has been married to his second wife, Lenore. Lenore? Yeah.

He's fresh. He has been singing and talking like Jolson pretty much since his voice broke. My mother noticed it before I did, he says. It's the tonal quality. It means he can genuinely sing like Jolson. Fuck me, this article. The point is that in 75... He has his imitators and they do a terrific job.

I've been accused of being an imitator, but I'm not. Fucking shut up. It's just me. I can't believe how great I am. I'm sorry I'm great. Everyone keeps thinking I'm not fucking shut up it's just me i can't believe how great i am i'm sorry i'm great everyone keeps thinking i'm the real thing it's just me being me it's my own voice i'm stuck with it i don't have any other so now i just let it roll out god that's actually quite sad when you think about it he's been cursed to sound like al

jolson all his life and his career is built on fucking racism yeah doing just that around the world brought him to the attention of Sidney Lanfield, who directed Jolson in Swanee River. Where most of his records ended up, funnily enough. Sam Raffleson, who wrote The Jazz Singer, and Jolson's understudy, Buddy Walker. Clive was at radio station in Miami Beach in the 70s, where he learned Walker was around, and he was asked to sing

California Here I Come to him. Right. That's Jolson, said Walker. No, I said. It's me. Oh, him. Right. That's Jolson, said Walker. No, I said, it's me. Oh, fuck, you sound like old Jolson, man. Do you sound like Al Jolson? Do you know what, though? In some cases, I imagine

if you talk to a really elderly person who basically remembers Al Jolson the first time round and she hears it, she goes, are you still the real thing? My mind ain't what it used to be. It's the real black man. Isn't it? used to be it's the real it's the real black man

isn't it it's what it is the only audience who are saying you look like him are the ones whose faculties have failed them

sometime in the fucking 90s we've found a toxic shitty record Paul we've had a toxic shitty record and it's

taken up way too much time it's a guy this article keeps going as well no more no more

no more Clive you've had enough from us fucking hell Clive fuck off Clive the other point had enough from us. Fucking hell, Clive. Fuck off, Clive. You know what the point is, though, is that in 75, he released a song

to basically bring Al Jolson back into the pop chart. It was like, I can't sing it any other way, so I have to fold his songs into that disco sound or that fucking contemporary music of the time.

Yeah. And no one in their right mind was going to buy a jazz rag disco song sung by a mind was going to buy a jazz rag disco song sung by a white guy pretending to be a black guy pretending to be another

white guy pretending to be another black guy now it's Paul McCartney Stevie Wonder Alice Cooper Elton John as if to say

it used to be Al Jolson and now these are the superstars of today and what's the story like he doesn't approve there's a whole sort of framing concept

that he wakes up after 25 years and he doesn't know who these singers are. Even though, strictly speaking, he dared. He didn't wake asleep. He dared. And his corpse comes back to life. I think it was a minor hit, though, this record. Was it?

I think so, yeah. Paul McCartney, Stevie Wonder, Alice Cooper, Elton John Electronic, quite the funny Things have changed since you were gone. Paul McCartney, Stevie Wonder, Alice Cooper, Elton John. Electronic quadraphonic, things have changed since you were gone. Oh, nobody's singing from a family. That little gray-haired gal from Alabama What about my pride and joy My one and only sonny boy

Now it's Cora Cartney, Stevie Wonder Alice Cooper, Elton John Electronic, project-phonic Things have changed since you've been gone So it's another example of something that comes up a lot on Silverman's platters, Paul, is terrible novelty disco. We had it with that Elaine Page record the other day, didn't we? I found that I Love Lucy theme one. That's very good. Disco version of I Love Lucy. disco lucy oh well okay to finish this segment uh his uh he's a cunt let's talk about something else he's in the chicago tribute as well saying the exact same

stuff wow almost almost the exact same word for word stuff in the chicago tribute saying the whole same thing and I guess this is from that album called An Evening with Al Jolson starring Clive Baldwin God we did a bunch of covers

anyway we're going to end today with what we think is the I'm not going to say no more I'll let Eli take over but this has been

the surprise highlight of our platters in a long while it certainly has one of the best we've come across and it really fits the bill so if you sent this

thank you very, very much. Please give us your details so we can give you the credit. This is a real find. And not something that comes up a lot. No. With this genre of record. It's a promotional item. Yes.

I think you could say. It's a promotional seven inch with a gatefold. I don't know. This is a special type of sleeve. You don't often see seven inch singles. No. With a gatefold like that. So it opens up.

On the front it says, Happy Birthday, 18. And 18 is in sort of those illustrated numericals. Oh, you know what it looks like? It looks exactly like the 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12. Yeah, the animation. It's very sort of aping the 60s look. It's like that with a bit of yellow submarine. Yeah, a very yellow submarine, sort of psychedelic sort 60s look. It's like that with a bit of yellow submarine. Yeah.

A very yellow submarine, sort of psychedelic, sort of Candyland. Candyland? Yeah, go on, I'll take it. Yeah. And it's got women, guys with long hair in the eight. And there's a lady dancing, doing that. What's that dance? Freak dancing.

Freaky dancing. What they did at Woodstock and stuff. And there's a car, vroom, vroom. Uh-huh. And then it says, happy birthday, 18, from... Oh, go on. Who's it from? Noel Edmonds. Oh!

Home. Oof! And Barclays Bank. Oh! It's a promotional item from Barclays Bank. What a gift. Also, in the one of the 18, you'll see this, because you can look on the website and look at these pictures.

There is Noel. There is Noel. Noel is depicted by the artist. I quite like the artwork. I love the artwork. It's quite a nice illustration. And there's Noel in a sort of cartoon version of Noel.

Open it up and there's a photograph of Noel in all his mid-70s pomp with a sort of facsimile autograph there. Let me have a look. Let me just check if it's not the real thing.

No. Of course it's not the real thing no of course it's not as if he'd sign those for Barclays Bank I don't know there might have been a stack of a hundred he spent an hour

fucking signing them no it's too many this was mass produced item man yeah true so the idea is Barclays if you were with them

sent you this when you were 18 to basically say happy birthday and also think about maybe making your account more of an adult one

yeah or maybe you automatically sort of got updated to an adult account. Or they wouldn't, you know, by law or something, they couldn't provide you with a child's account or something. You know what I mean? Yeah, something like that. Because I remember when I started my bank account when I was a kid, it was like...

I got one of those piggy banks, piggy in that west piggy bank. Oh, yeah. Remember those? Yeah, I think so, yeah. Because we had something similar. I only got the baby because I didn't save shit. It's meant to encourage kids to save money. You save money and then you get another piggy bank, which is big, and then you save all that.

And the one when you've saved like a grand or whatever, really rare. They'd like pork a pig. He's like a big fat cat pig. They go for a lot of money. They go for a lot of money, those things. Yeah. I found in a box my first barclays uh children's account right which came with like a little comic book and a checkbook and okay so

barclays have basically got form in terms of sort of this promotional stuff for kids basically and this is for a teenager yeah this is like legal to have sex isn't it 18 or is that 16 you make it sound like it's a genuine worrying question that you're asking. I don't know. What is 18? You know, because I'm trying to just sort of identify what is the thing you can do at 18 that you couldn't do when you weren't. Is it? I think you can't drink until you're 18. You can drink at 16. But this is 1975, so I don't know what the rules were and stuff like that were. I bet in those days, 14-year-olds in the pub all the time getting drinks.

It would like a black, a cider and black, please, publican. Right. And so, and the home on the cover refers to a rock band. But what we're going to do right now is play you the whole, the whole of

side A is it? Yeah, it's the first side. Where Noel introduces you to the record. Now usually we play a little bit, but I'm going to give you the gift.

I think you should have it all, yeah. You need the gift of the two minutes of Noel Edmonds doing effectively the goon show. so here we go enjoy noel edmonds welcoming you to your 18th birthday thanks to barclays okay i know what to do as soon as the stars touches the record i'll start the fanfare what what's that it's touching already. Ah, well, then cue the band. Ladies and gentlemen, never before in the field of human endeavour has one... Excuse me.

What? Can't you see I'm busy? Would you like a donut? No, thank you. They make me go all spotty. You mean? Yes. Donuts for Sackney. Oh, my darling.

Oh, my gosh. Why does everybody have to try and be a comedian? Cue the band again. Ladies and gentlemen. Excuse me, sir. Oh, kill the fanfare. Now, what do you want? A special delivery, sir.

What is it? It's a door. Would you like me to open it? Oh, yes, please. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday with Barclays. Yeah, did you say Barclays?

Yes, I did. Get out of my bathroom. Happy birthday to you. Noah Edmonds, Noah Edmonds. Yes, that's me, and multitudinous greetings to you. Oh, yes, of course, a happy birthday. Allow me to pour you a congratulatory drink. Ah, lovely drop of Chateau bottled Mac Blagic wine. Ah, what's that? You've never heard of Mac Blagic Chateau? Good heavens, I thought everybody had heard of Chateau Mac Blagic. Gosh, this wine really does look good. You know, I once went round a vineyard and did you know that the grapes, or at least the vine terraces, actually sink about two feet a year? It'd be quite dangerous if it wasn't for the fact that grape vines sink alike.

Oh, well, anyway, it's your 18th Barclay. Oh, sorry, birthday. Hello, Supernoddle here, Crime Fighter Supreme. Did I hear you say Barclays? Yes. Barclays Bank? That's right, the organisation with a memory. Really? Yes,

a bank takes all the worry out of remembering to pay bills. Ah, you don't say. HB agreements, mortgages, in fact anything that requires regular payments, the bank remembers. Ah, so I have banks for the memories. That's it, the only safe way to handle money. Ah, you know, I wish I'd known that before. Why? Well, last week a lady gave me two fake five-pound notes. Counterfeit? Yeah. She had two. Get out. Actually, maybe Barclays could help you.

A chequebook's got to be one of the safest and most convenient ways of making payments. And the bank also issues regular statements on how much money you've got. And if if and if you need money you might be eligible for a loan then also if you need a reference Flynn what are you doing well I think this record needs music so I'm getting me piano ready then I'll sing but Flynn I'm a baritone you know but Flynn me voice will send you to sleep but Flynn Flynn! In fact, you could say I'm a pheno-baritone. Flynn! There's music on the other side of the record.

Oh, what is it? A nightingale sang in Barclay Square? Flynn, say happy birthday. Happy birthday. Say goodbye. Goodbye. Say no more. Nudge, nudge. Now, he comes across like a bit of a cunt, doesn't he? He is, though. I mean, still. He's smug and confident and I get it. It's the smugness. Iudge, nudge. Now, he comes across like a bit of a cunt. He is, though. He's smug and confident.

I get it. It's the smugness. I don't mind confident. I don't mind confident, but the smugness. It's the smug. The whole other thing is the whole self-depreciation without really self-depreciating himself. He doesn't. He just takes the piss out of old grannies,

like Bruce Forsythe did. I get the impression when when he's doing like groups of people in a room discussing a show, they'll say, hey, no, let's make, let's make fun of your beard. He goes, oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's good. He goes, yeah, let's make it look like, like a dirty fanny. Don't you dare say it looks like a fanny. Yeah. You're out.

That's it. Yeah. And someone goes, it looks like a dirty mouse. All right. All right. It's a dirty mouse. It doesn't know.

No. It's a dirty fanny. What's this dirty mouse it doesn't know no it's a fanny i can't imagine you didn't really build the picture of that meeting it's like you're asleep or something like edmund's in a room having a meeting someone says why don't we call your beard a dirty fanny? It's not realistic, mate. I couldn't think of anything I was just to make fun of.

I was just thinking, he's in a meeting discussing a few jokes on the show and it's like, oh, isn't it funny? I know what you were trying to do. A mane of hair. You know, a big mane of hair. Yeah, let's make fun of that. He's probably vicious and gets rid of...

There's sort of a hint of narcissism. There's lots. You get a feeling of narcissism. Look, let's be honest. He's successful. And he's been very successful because of his business work and the record shops and the franchising. He's a good businessman.

He is. But he's also now one of those famous people who's very rich, who now believes, you know, the shit that they're selling, which is why he can go, I've got a box that cures cancer and positive thinking, you know,

is good and people who have bad thoughts deserve to die. Yeah. You think, I hope a tragic accident happens where in some respects, your body is found next to a naked child and a blobby costume.

Really? And there's no more context and that's the mystery of your death. That would be good. Just in a field. Edmund's dead! Blobby costume near! Mystery child found. Right.

It's like you're asleep. It really is like you're asleep. So anyway we got through that and we were like alright he's trying to do the goon thing. But I also think there's a real massive sort of Kenny Everett.

It's stuff that Kenny Everett does better. Who was the other guy I was talking about? Justin Lin, the other radio presenter who's right up his own fucking arse.

But he also does that mad cap. It's that mid-70s sort of... The cut-ups, the kind of audio play. And also that Steve Wright kind of inherited

that mantle into the late, into the 80s, didn't... The cut-ups, the kind of audio play. And also that Steve Wright kind of inherited that mantle into the late, into the 80s, didn't he? You don't get that kind of comedy DJ sort of... It's because radio doesn't want that anymore. Yeah, they don't. People who listen to radio engage in it differently. They want it on in the background when they're driving or in the kitchen.

The breakfast show is always important because that's when people are travelling into work or they're driving into work and they want a bit more content. But after that, it's just like, fucking get the songs out. Yeah. Because they worry that if your song hasn't been played or they're driving into work and they want a bit more content but after that it's just like fucking get the songs out because they worry that if your song hasn't been played

your favourite song hasn't been played in a while they'll move over to another radio station just to try and hear it which is why songs get played

every hour it's just terrible people are terrible it's just the way radio is so I don't think commercial radios allow for a lot

of that kind of creativity and freedom though no you'll get a Chris Evans who's got too much you know swagger yeah or, you know,

swagger. Yeah. Or maybe, you know, the Radio X stuff that happens. Talk radio is completely different, but you know what I mean? Like commercial radio is now just about hitting the clock,

hitting the ads, getting all those songs in as many as you can in an hour and maybe throwing a competition out there. Yeah. That's why a lot of people who are hosting those shows

have very little personality but lots of enthusiasm. Ah. Because they're professional, they do the job well, but there's no edge to them. It's about being friendly and presentable. Even Edmunds has more of an edge, doesn't he? Oh God, that's oppressing, but true. He did. It's true.

He made an impact. So he's got a real smug look on his face on this record. Yeah, it's not very good comedy, but it's reasonably well produced, isn't it? Sound effects and stuff. It reminds me very much of the Everett style with the sound effect. Bit of Goons, bit of Python,

bit of, you know, bit of radio show. Now, here's the thing. When it said, and now the B-side's got a song on, we were like, oh, it's going to be shit. Because we'd not heard of this group, Home. Home.

And we've got, there's a picture of them on the other side of the gatefold, and they're very sort of soft focus, very long, tawny. Is that the word? Hair. They've got very... It looks very clean. They look like clean hippies. Clean, nice boys.

And the name Home also made me think... The band was called Home, yeah. They are called Home. Yeah, the song's called Dreamer. Dreamer. And all of that suggested to me, and to you, Paul, I think you'll agree, a real middle of the road. And the fact that it's on a Barclays Bank promotional record item.

Before we started playing it, you said, we're not going to get very far into this, I'll give it a minute at most. Yeah. And then we played it, and it sounded like this. guitar solo Do you always waste your time away Make a dream a day to hide away I really wish you would throw your dreams away Why not wake up from oblivion Start to live again Life's not really bad

Dreamer, dreamer, paint your world black Like a bird Flying far Searching for Not forgotten Shangri-La It's fucking pretty good, isn't it? It's fucking quite good. It kind of fucking rocks. I thought it was going to be kind of early, you know,

Black Late is going to be very kind of, you know... Brotherhood of Man. Brotherhood of Man or something. Just terrible. That terrible pop. Do you want to know about Home? It's got that finger-picking or something that kind of thing just terrible that terrible pop do you want to know about Home? it's got that finger picking

riff that kind of eagles and the yeah Fog Hat or whatever it's called that kind of thing Lynyrd Skynyrd sort of Allman Brothers style

country rock southern rock they call it that style and also the rhythm section like the bass and the drums pretty tight

I was like I generally love the guitar licks too pretty funky yeah and even though like the bass and the drums pretty tight yeah I was like I generally love the guitar licks too yeah and even though like the chorus stroke verse is kind of softer

yeah it still builds right back to that lick and it's got that fucking guitar solo at the end and it's one of those ones that goes

at the end it's fucking sweet so home we're a British rock band says Wikipedia they rock in the 70s they are according to the genre page here rock progressive rock the core line up fucking sweet. So, home, we're a British rock band, says Wikipedia. They rock. They're in the 70s. They are,

according to the genre page here, rock, progressive rock. Ah. The core lineup featured Mick Stubbs on lead guitar and vocals, Laurie Wisefield

on lead guitars and vocals, Cliff Williams on bass guitar and Mick Cook. And they also had various guitarists, keyboardists, sorry, at the time.

Okay. Formed in Wales. A Welsh prog sort of. After the first band, Sugar Split. It's like, have you ever seen like the League of Gentlemen? You know, the time okay formed in wales and a welsh prog sort of after the first band sugar split it's like you've ever seen like the league of gentlemen you know the guy who was in that uh creme brulee band in the 70s you know that's a shit business he's all like all that music right is that what it feels like this it feels like that so they teamed up and they signed a cbs record under the band home in 1971 released an album called Pause for a Horse. Horse. As in horse.

Horse. As in horse. Hey, you've used your noise, your mouth noise, in a different way. I know. I know. It's a very versatile wobbly mouth noise you've got there. They toured in November with Led Zeppelin. Right. At the second Electric Magic Show.

So that says something about how, you know. If Zeppelin are like, yeah, you can perform with us. Yeah, they're standard. Yeah. Yeah. magic show about how you know if Zeppelin like yeah you can perform

yeah they're standard yeah and then they open for groups such as Argent the Jeff Beck group and the Faces oh the Faces are great

and then they released the Faces was Rod Stewart yes you know and what was that other one you mentioned sorry

there was the Jeff Beck group Argent do you know what Argent is no Argent was the keyboard player from the Zombies and that was his band

zombies with time of the season and she's not there yeah yeah yeah and he also wrote God Gave Rock and Roll to You that was an Argent tune the original of that

was an Argent tune I didn't know that and Kiss had just been milking it for fucking decades Kiss just had a hit with it yeah off the Bill and Ted film yeah

well there's a third one of those coming out isn't there yeah is that going to be good I hope so same director no same writers and you know most original cast are back Bill and Ted film. Yeah. Yeah. Well, there's a third one of those coming out, isn't there? Yeah. Is that going to be good? I hope so. Same director? No.

Same writers and, you know, most original cast are back. Did the first two films have the same director? No. Okay. So you had a different...

Different directors for all three. Okay. The second one was a British guy. The first one, I can't remember the name. Okay. So it's not... It's more to do with the writing.

The director, you just need a steady pair of hands for the direction, don't you, really? So anyway, the album that they brought out reached number 41 in the UK album charts.

So not great, but not awful for the time either no they went on to support mott the hoopoe and the enemy wrote in their review of the show of the october 15th that they were performing at those who went to see mott the hoopoe that night came back talking about home instead and they were called the fifth most promising new name in the region's poll. They just obviously never quite had the hit or crossed over. They opened for Slade at certain points. So what is this from 71? I think it was 75, I think that. 72. Then they split in 72.

This is 72, this item. Oh, okay. They split in 74. Yeah. A couple of years after they did the Barclays. I wonder if this was like a millstone around their neck, this Barclays. Yeah. Perhaps people said you sold out

because at that time, you know, people did get accused of that. You know, these days, no one gives a shit. It's the only way you can ever make any money or live. But do you know what I mean? Back then, you could have been, I bet people thought they were phony because they did this.

Yeah, I can see that. But it's also more likely that what happened was Barclays reached out to, I don't know, whoever the company was, CBS. Have you got any bands who are up and coming who you want to get? Well, maybe Noel brought them in. Maybe Noel did, yeah.

Because Noel, you know, was obviously on the radio. Read what Noel says at the beginning because Noel says something which suggests to me he hadn't heard of home before. But I don't know. Go on, read it. Okay, this is his little blurb, Noel's blurb.

I can't do the voice. A few months ago, Barclays came to me and said they were thinking of producing a rather special record. Would I like to be on it? Fine, I said. What do you want me to do? Sing? I bet you'd love to, wouldn't he? Dance?

Read poetry? I'll stop being so fucking chummy and not funny. Chummy cunt, innit? Chummy, fanny, cunted face. Bell end. Actually, we just want you to do an intro. Who am I introducing, I asked, as my dreams of stardom vanished. Mate, you're on Radio 1 and you're famous and rich and you've got a jag and a rolls.

Look at you. The worst thing about this is I'm looking at his face as I read it. Yeah, and he's just looking at that face he's got on. His fucking hairy face. His fanny face., and he's just looking at that face he's got on. His fucking hairy face. His fanny face. Dirty, mingy, fanny face.

Dirty mouse beard, fanny head. Well, we were hoping you could suggest someone. A pop group, perhaps. And this is the

result. Yeah, he suggested it. Oh, okay. The group is called Home. The track is called Dreamer.

It's great and it's a birthday present to you from Barclays. Hope you enjoy it. And just to somewhat very quickly afterwards the band

split in 74 Cliff Williams went to join the band Bandit from 75 to 77 after he left them he was asked to replace ACDC bassist

Mark Evans who remained with the band until his retirement in 2016 oh he's in the bassist in the bassist from home

is the yeah he's very good isn't he by the evidence of this track he was exactly what

ACDC needed which was like metronomically tight bassist and that is Laurie Wisefield joined Wishbone Ash

and stayed with them until the 80s another good band Wishbone Ash should be into that kind of thing I don't know Mick Cook

joined the new line up of the Groundhogs in late 75 Groundhogs in late 75 Groundhogs had this guy who had schizophrenia who was the lead guitarist

but they have some amazing stuff Is that Clive Brooks? Yeah Because then he replaced Clive Brooks on drums No it was the lead Okay In fact he's got a tune

called Split I think by the Groundhogs which is about being nuts Oh shit Okay And it's really good there's some good Groundhogs stuff

if you're into that Psyche proggy stuff He also appeared in the 80s in a band called lick my lolly lick my lolly my lolly lick my lolly licky licky fanny fanny my fanny lick my beardy lolly nolly lick my fanny face uh mick stubbs was a member of the short-lived paradise in 1975 but continued as a performer and writer including lulu's single i love to boogie in 1979 do you know that one i don't so there is what we thought was a wonderful discovery this is a lovely item and you don't see promotional things like this not really no no no not at all it has it could, no, not at all. It could have been a Flexi, couldn't it?

It could have been. Easily could have been a Flexi. I've seen Flexis housed in this sort of pocket. It's a gatefold pocket style cover. So, okay, let's go through these

very quickly. What are we going to rate? Well, we can't rate the children's book, but what can we rate the Al Johnson shit? I'd only give it one. I did not like it.

It's a splat for me, not a platt. But we really should. Next time we do platters, we should get Disco Lucy out just to show you how that can work. The whole novelty

disco crossover genre can work. It just doesn't very much. And then we had Adriano Celentano. Yeah. I would say that's I quite like it.

And we didn't mention the B-side disc jockey, which is a five and a half minute long tune. And it was kind of the same because then it ends up going into the A side

does it? yeah it starts going into the whole riff so it's got a very sort of an extended sort of version yeah on the other side

I would give that I would say that's a plait to me not a splat yeah it's a plait for you yeah what about you maybe three plaits yeah

and then finally the Noel Edmonds the happy birthday 18th Noel Edmonds home and Barclays Bank do you think an 18 year old would like that song? maybe quite possibly do you think there's a boy and a girl one And then finally, the Noel Edmonds... The Happy Birthday 18th Noel Edmonds Home and Barclays Bank. Do you think an 18-year-old would like that song? Maybe it was a boy... Quite possibly.

Do you think there's a boy and a girl one? Maybe there's one for boys that they sent out, one for girls. And the girl one maybe had like Donny Osmond or something on it. Well, maybe. But these guys look a bit like a heart. They look kind of... Do you know it's a glossy sort of photo? Yeah.

I don't know. I think it's probably too good. I'm being quite cynical. But I think they made a mistake including that here because it was too good it's not yeah it's not a kind of teenagey song it's like a proper like yeah it's definitely a plat though isn't it it's great i really like that song i might even play it on my radio show well there we go highest praise all platters who would have thought that would have thought that noel edmonds finally brought joy to this fucking podcast he

did and the artwork is actually really pleasing yeah aesthetically nice yeah noel if you're out there if you're still living if you still got hope in your heart thanks for giving us home and

dreamer because what else have you given us other than years of regret and blobby and blobby you've given us no one needs blobby in their life do they what have you done what why you need to atone for blobby and blobby you've given us no one needs blobby in their life do they what have you done what why you need to atone for blobby no if you're listening to this a hashtag atone for blobby don't know how you do it don't care how you do it but thou must atone

ladies and gentlemen you have listened to cheap show for yet another week so let me just pimp my book if you'd like to help me make my book come to life, you can help by going to unbound.com forward slash books forward slash ghosts. There are tiers there, depending on what you decide to. I know. Depending on what you decide to give. There are tiers. There are tiers in the world.

Or audio books. There's tiers in my heart. Or commentaries. Or you'll come to my live show. There's lots of possibilities out there yeah I'd like to make this book

and I can only do it with your help so if you think you can spare a little bit of cash to do so please come along go to unbound.com forward slash books

forward slash ghosts yes do that everybody yes do that what else the awards are still going on you can still nominate

we've extended the deadline till March why because now I'm voted everyone hates us no because we haven't been promoting it on the show everyone hates me we haven't been promoting it on the show I hate myself are still going on. You can still nominate. We've extended the deadline to March. No, because we haven't been promoting it on the show. We haven't been promoting it on the show. I hate myself.

Right. So, yes, the award. If you go to our website or you go to at cheap... Ah! You wanker! He's forgotten it.

I'll tell you where it is. Yeah. www.cheapshow.com.org No, it's not. It's not that fucking hell. It is yeah www.cheapshow.com no it's not it's not that fucking hell it's www.thecheapshow.co.uk and when you get to that webpage there is a link

to the nominations for the awards there's a link to the merchandise page for t-shirts and coasters and all sorts like the new

Tony Cup Noodle one did you see the cheap show in the Cup Noodle writing yeah that's fantastic that's beautiful there's also a link to Event's Cheap Show magazines. The print versions of the latest issue are now out,

and they come with a little free CD on the front. A mini CD. With little tracks from people who have worked with Cheap Show in Barshens and Digitizer over the years. Now, Paul, am I right in thinking there will only be one more issue of the Cheap Show magazine in this run? Possibly. We were thinking about

what we can do next. But I'm not going to say anything because literally this conversation is as far as I've thought about it. Okay, fine. But that's the plan. So support us there. If you want to see us on Instagram

or Facebook, you can look for Cheap Show. We're on there. You'll find us on Twitter at the Cheap Show pod. I'm at Paul Gannon Show. Eli is? Eli Snoidy.

L-I-S-N-O-I-D. Paul. I just noticed one last thing. And the email address, if you want to contact us about anything, it is thecheapshoe at gmail.com. Now, Eli, please end with your piss-poor observation.

I just noticed this mint on card is actually on the Joker. He selected the card of the Joker to sellotape the polo team. Yeah. This works on many, many levels. That's what I said. It's good touch.

Yeah, it works on many levels. Joker, because it's like me. I'm the Joker, and I say mint on card, and everyone loves it when I say it. It's good touch. Yeah, it works on many levels. Joker, because it's like me. I'm the Joker and I say mint on card and everyone loves it when I say it. No one loves it. No, they love it.

No one loves it when you say it. Everyone goes, ugh, when you say it. That's the feeling they get. There's scuffage. It took a bit longer than usual, ladies and gentlemen, but he got there in the end.

I haven't broken. I'm fine. Thank you. It's been enjoyable. I like going through the box, Paul. Every now and then, but he got there in the end. I haven't broken, I'm fine. Thank you. It's been enjoyable. I like going through the box, Paul. Every now and then, we are going to dabble through your P.O. box deliveries.

I've got a little ducky. You've got a little ducky. You've got candies. You've got records. We've got new music in our lives, which we never expected until now. You know what I mean? Home, Dreamer.

Who would have thought it? Who would have thought we'd be given and gifted these wonderful things by you, our Cheapskate listeners? Thank you very much. Is it at Project Cheap SK8? Is it something like that?

Yeah, yes. That's it. That's it. I'm so shit tonight. I'm so shit. No, I'm editing all that out. I'm depressed. I'm sad.

Shut up. Let's just say goodbye, Paul. Oh, goodbye, Paul. Goodbye, Eli. Bye-bye. Bye. Bye bye. You've been earning old dong? These are the modern dong. Yeah, if you want to borrow them. So what's that dong?

This is probably old dong, like old fibers, you know, when they were paper. You can still get thousands, but they're plastic, I remember. Is there a thousand there or is it a ten thousand? It's a ten thousand. There's a ten. Yeah. So basically that is one of those is worth three P. Yeah, that's a 10. Yeah. So basically that is one of those is worth 3p. Yeah, that's what I like.

So that is 10p, basically. 10p. Yeah. Look at that. Cheap show. Cheap show it is. So that's 30p, 10,000. Yeah.

And that 30,000 is a pound. That's a pound. Oh, okay. Yeah. So that's 60,000. That's two pounds. 50,000 is two pounds.'s 60,000 that's two pounds. 50,000 is two pounds. No 60,000 is two pounds. 30,000 dong to a pound. Right. Alright. Well there you go. Eli's been handling all the dong which is alright. Right. Mint on card. Mint on card. That's all that's said in the video box.

Charlie J. I don't get it. I say mint on card a lot. Mint is when something is brand new and it's on the card. Oh right. I don't even get it. Yeah, it's a don. Anyway, we need to go to Vietnam. We need some don. I'll ask for your don I'm forgetting to hand me dong

that lowest that thousand's the lowest in nomination but they're plastic now yeah they did I did see some 500's but they were in a charity shop

oh they're going to be worth nothing so they I think they've gone out out of like half penny pieces yeah yeah oh well we've all learned something

there were a thousand and all learned something a thousand and they never say a thousand they always say like one one yeah one dong

well there we go we've learned something