CheapShow - Ep 168: Unresolvable Sentences

Episode Date: March 6, 2020

This week, we are sad to announce that Paul Gannon is broken. Whether it's the hard grind of his usual day to day existence or whether it's just because he is an old fart, who knows? All Eli knows, is that he finds this highly amusing. Paul obviously doesn't. It's a show packed with cheap eats and a Price of Shite that we can assure you is all above board and chock full of p-twings! We'd also like to apologise for Eli's new terrible character. You'll find out why soon enough! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-168-resolveable-sentences If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow CheapShow Awards: Vote Here: www.tinyurl.com/cca2020nominate Paul is writing a book! Want to help make it happen? https://unbound.com/books/ghosts/

Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Eli Silverman here. I'm Paul Gannon as well. It's Paul. It's Paul Gannon. And with me is Eli Silverman. Hello, everyone. I've run out of energy.

I've run out of energy. I've run out of energy. You didn't. You don't know where they are. Yeah, but before you knew that I didn't know that you knew where they were, I'd looked at the answers. Well, you won't get any petwings. Well, maybe I will.

No. That's it. You've fucking ruined it already. Have I? Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, there have been a multitude of emails and tweets in my direction about how Eli spoiled Cheap Show with his fragrant abuse of the rules. Yeah, you know what I've got to say to those people?

One or two people were, like, betrayed, as I was. Paul, well, you know what? No, in all seriousness. We let it go an episode ago. In all seriousness. Shush, shush, shush, your fat, beardy lip mouth. Right. It's going to be like that, is it?

It's going to be like that. You've fucking been all nicey-nicey. I've got a grumble on. Yeah. All poor me. And then as soon as we press record, fat bearded cunt mouth lip cunt. Yeah.

Look, look, look. Anyway, a lot of people are right. You know what? I wanted to address that. I wanted to address that. Hold that thought. Welcome to the Cheap Show. I hate you and your. Hold that thought. Welcome to the cheap show. I hate you

and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of cheap show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap Show Off-brand rap, off-brand rap, off-brand rap Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap

Cheap Show It's the price of shade Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheat Show And I go and I nuzzle Right, come on, address it Basically This has become a mockery

Paul, it's a fucking comedy podcast. No one's keeping score. You prove to me that this is a comedy podcast right now. I don't know if I'm going to be able to today. You prove to me right now. I feel very unfunny. Yeah? Yeah.

No, really. Well, scratch that up for one more week of that frame of mind, ladies and gentlemen. What frame of mind? Week after week after week. I'm not very funny today, Paul. I can't believe you, buddy. Why, Eli? Why?

Are you hungover? I am hungover. Or I'm poorly. No, I'm only hungover. Or I'm a fat, pathetic shit. Fuck off. Paul. What?

Can we start again? I think it's really been bad. Let's start one more time. It's all right. This is fine. No, it's not. This is what people want now of Cheap Show. It's too hot in here.

The house of pickles is sweltering. It is. It's a sweaty room today. And the weird thing is, you start this episode off with the sunglasses and the lamp pointed at me. And for a moment, I thought I was being interrogated. Well, you are. Right.

So you ruined the price of shite out of spite. I didn't ruin it. Now you want to defend that decision. I spiced it up. My spin on it is this. Yeah. I spiced it up with a little bit of what we call

the Silverman je ne sais quoi. Yeah. I sprinkled a little magic into the format. You dribbled. I spiced it up. A little ghost pepper. A little ghost pepper. A little ghost pepper grinder.

Ghost pepper grinder pepper. Are you saying to me, you did to Price of Shite what Eli Silverman would do to a noodle? He pimped it. I pimped it up. He pimped that segment up. And if people can't take a joke, if people think, oh, you've broken the rules, they can fuck off and listen to fucking other episodes of this show when you've done numerous rug pulls

and at the fucking live show did a whole fucking this is your life thing where you made up a load of shit about me. Do you know what, though? If you just put the effort in, you could be witty too and come up with segments like that. I put the extra inch in. I put the whole extra inch in.

Yeah, I inch it in. What inch? Inch man will tell you. Oh, here he comes. Here he comes. Here he comes. Once again. It's one of your parking characters. For no reason.

Inch. Right. How many do you want? Just the one inch, please, today, sir. All right. Inch. All right, I'm off. Bye, sir.

See you. Thank you. Why do you feel compelled to do that? Go in. What? Why do you feel compelled to make that? Go in. What? Why do you feel compelled to make that sound? I'm Inchman. God, it's hot in here.

Move along. Want another inch? Any more? A foot? Half a foot? Two centimetres? That's approximately an inch. Already I've forgotten what I was talking about.

Two centimetres? Shall I go? I don't know. If anyone wants another inch. Inch! You can go now. Can I have that one for free. Do you want two free inches?

Come on, do you want two? This character does not work for me. You want three? This character gives me nothing. Can you not see the pain on my face? What am I meant to say to? Do I want an inch? Yes.

I'm hoping you'll say yes. What comedy? Eli, step outside the podcast a minute. I can't. I'm Inchman. Shall I go first? God. Before Eli steps out? Three free inches.

Go on. They're free. Do you want them? Six minutes in and you have broken me. Do you want them? You have fractured my heart. I, Inchman, ask you, do you want these three free inches before I fuck off? I do not want the three. Inch, Inch, Inch. My heart. I, Inchman, ask you, do you want these three free inches before I fuck off?

I do not want the three... Itch, itch, itch! You got them! I'm going. Bye! Bye, Inchman. What a charming... Charming fella.

Did you want to step out of the podcast? No, it's fine, mate. It's weird. No, come on. No, Paul, I think we should. All right, hang on. Let's do it. Just up round here.

Up round here. Just down this... Yeah, here. Because they've reloc on. Let's do it. Just up round here. Up round here. Just down this... Yeah, here. Because they've relocated the exit. I know. It's down through the ante room. Up here. Yeah.

So what, did you want to just sort of say anything, Paul? I just don't like Inchman. He gives me nothing. Paul. He gives me nothing. He gives you inches. What? He gives you as many Paul. He gives me nothing. He gives you inches. What? He gives you as many inches as you want, Paul.

What comedy can I get out of that? What can I do? You don't have to do the comedy. You just play along. At least, well, how? If I do a character, you just play along, yeah? Just play along with it. All right.

All right. I'll see you downstairs then. I'm going to go back. I'll go back. I'll go back first. I'll go back first. You go back first? Yes, I go back first. Because when I edit this, I always hear you downstairs then. I'm going to go back. I'll go back. I'll go back first. I'll go back first. You go back first? Yes, I go back first.

Because when I edit this, I always hear you call me a cunt. Just before you... Let's try and have some fun. Inchman is fun. Yeah, Inchman is fun. Inchman is not fun. I want that on the record. I want...

There's no record. We're outside the podcast. I want to say... This is not canon. All right, well, to your face. We're on top of the podcast. To your face, I would like you to say I don't like it. Look at me.

Look at me. I don't like Inchman. I have to say that to you? No. I'm saying this right now to you. You pull to me, Eli, outside the podcast. Mate, what's going on? You go back down first.

I'm going back down first. I'm doing it. Fucking cunt. Every time. This is fucking bullshit. Are you ready, Eli? I'm still doing the podcast. All right, I'm back.

I've got a new character. Yes. Meet a man. I mean, meet a, meet a, meet a, meet a, meet a man. Meet a man. Meet a man. Meet a man. Why have you got why?

Would you like a meter? Would you like a meter, sir? I see, this is your... would you like a meter would you like a meter sir i see this is your would you like a meter sir isn't that funny no would you like a meter sir meter sir no a meter so sir meters would you like a sore meters would i like a sore meters now you're talking pass the scissors sore meters man right that's better but i can't help but think inch man's only appeared three times and he's not really catching on no right i keep saying this you don't have to do a sort of knockoff character but my character meter man is the point isn't it it's like you looking at going what is inherently he's got no he's got no attack though meter man thaterman. Bosh, that's my reply to you about Inchman.

What else have you got about Meaterman? We should keep this outside the podcast. We're back into the main carcass of the podcast. Right, well then, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast, where me and Eli go for the charity shops, the bargain bins, the thrift stores, and beyond, and look for the bargains amongst the... Oh, God. Let me try.

Let me try. Go for it. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast where me, Eli Silverman, and my co-host Paul Gannon go through the charity shops, discount stores, bargain basements, bazaars, jumble sales, and any kind of place where cheap stuff is available to trawl through the trash and find the wonders in the weirdness and the bargains in the brain damage. He's panicking. I can see it.

Welcome to Cheap Show. Welcome to Cheap Show. For your ears. For your ears. So, do you have a tell-some? I've got all sorts of shit for you, mate. I've got this. I've got that.

If you did look at the prices, by the way. I did. Honestly. I just thought I'd, you know. Niggle me. And no one cares about that. You're look at the prices by the way I did honestly I just thought you know niggle me and no one cares about that you're giving me the needle come round here

I tidy the fucking house of pickles up I mean by tidy up I got some good good stuff you don't tidy up I got some good fermenting

fermenting stuff you don't tidy up you adjust the space you have for another human being to sit down there's the just

there's stuff in there. Look, all-purpose sauce. I use that for everything now. Do you? Do you? Yeah. It's disgusting.

Yeah, but, you know, it's fine, because any purpose you've got, you just slap it on, so, you know. Well, I just had to send my CV to... Did you pour all-purpose sauce on your CV? You just pour it straight on the laptop. It does that. Does it?

Does it? What if... I had some kind of boil in my armpit. Poured some of it on that. All-purpose sauce, cleaned it right off. I had this dilemma, this maths thing. Yeah? I was trying to do some maths.

Poured it on my head, did the maths. That's interesting. Sorry, I just wanted to... Go on. Don't pour it on me. Well, no, you're saying... I'm going to just say... Don't pour...

Don't get that sort of... It was a joke. It'll clean the room up, won't it? me. Don't pour. Don't get that sauce. It was a joke. No, don't. Don't. Do not pour that sauce. It was a joke, Paul. Put the sauce down. Put the all-purpose sauce down.

Put Mama's tangs. He's trying to cut his neck with the all-purpose sauce. He's holding the all-purpose sauce to his neck. You tried a bit funny. Yeah, the sauce will do it. The sauce will do it. Help me. You're being attacked-purpose sauce. He's holding the all-purpose sauce to his neck. You try anything funny and the sauce will do it. The sauce will do it. Help me. You're being attacked by the sauce.

The sauce is holding me to hostage. It's holding me hostage, Eli. No, I prefer that first version. To hostage. He's holding me to hostage. Come on, mate. Put the sauce down. Pick up.

It might be the hostage takers. Hello. Hello. This is all-purpose sauce. I've got Paul here. Weird that you're talking to me on the phone and you're also there in the room with me. He's my associate. That's another...

How can there be two? There can only be one all-purpose sauce. I'm Alan All-Purpose and I'm source. His name is Alan All-Purpose, and I'm... John. John. John All-Purpose. Right, and you as a team are holding Paul hostage. Two hostages.

Oh, they're serious, Eli. They're really serious. All right, I'll do whatever it takes to release Paul. Right, I want you to smother Alan all over your meters. Smother Alan. Okay, give it. Oh, I'm free. Oh, what a good day.

Worst impromptu section ever. Right. There's a bit of drama. Okay, Paul, there is. Yeah. A little Tales from the Dance Floor. Hit me with it. Some guy asked for your bassist.

I said no. No, it's snappy. It's snappy. I'm fine with that. No, he kind of came up with his phone and said, Oh, can you play Oasis this? said, no. I get snappy. It's snappy. I'm fine with that. No, he kind of came up with his phone and said, oh, can you play Oasis this?

Did he pick it? And he said, that's a good one, isn't it? That's one that everyone likes, isn't it? Trying to persuade me. Do you know what I mean? Oh, you're right.

Where was this? Blues Kitchen, Shoreditch. Yeah. No, you don't have Oasis there. Don't play Oasis there. Any of the Blues Kitchens. No, because they're shit. They don't do that kind of

genre of music there, as far as I know. In my opinion, in my opinionation, in my humble opinion, I don't play Oasis there. At any of the blues kitchens. No, because they're shit. They don't do that kind of genre of music there, as far as I know. In my opinion. In my opinionation. In my humble opinion, I don't rate Oasis. Sorry. If you had, if you, Guns Ahead. No, if all purpose sourced.

Guns Ahead. There's a lot of Guns Ahead. All purpose sourced to your throat, right? If you had to play an Oasis track, what one would you play? Oh, no. You've got to do it, Eli. What Oasis track would you one would you play? Oh, no. You've got to do it, Eli. What Oasis track would you play

at all-purpose source point? Not Wonderwall. I find it cloying. I find Wonderwall cloying. What about... Champagne Soapy Nova again. It's too long. Just mawkish.

Seven minutes as well. Champagne Soapy Nova, seven minutes. I think it's very long. Roll with it. I hate that song as well. Oh, no. What was their first hit single?

Maybe or something. No. You know that off their first album? That would be the best one. Definitely Maybe. Yeah. So, yeah, he came up and said, play away. And you said no.

No, mate. He didn't say anything else to that. He didn't have a rebuttal. And he walked away awkwardly. Look at his face. Oh, what a shame. Poor sweaty God. Oh.

It's really sweaty. We've got a packed show today for you. Oh, we have. I've got a packed show. We've got a price of shite. Eli is in charge of this. So, you know. Yeah.

Be fine. Can you tell me now there are no cheap tricks? Yes, I can assure you now. I'm looking straight into your eye. He is. I'm looking into your big brown eyes and you do have brown eyes i do and they are quite beautiful shut up yeah yeah yeah so you're gonna make sure that that's all legit it will it is 100 legit every item has

an actual price a non-zero price Because if you do let me down again, I will place that all-purpose sauce bottle. It's going deep into your anus. Really? It's going to get proper packed. You know that would be over. It would be over between us. Mate.

What are we doing first? What did you have? Any updates? We're going to do a little mini cheap eats next and then we're going to do a Price is Shite and then we're going to play a little game Shite. Oh, Cheap Eats.

Well, that's good, isn't it? A little Cheap Eats. Let's get on with that, shall we? Sure. I'll put on a smile. Just put a smile on, though you're feeling sad inside, Paul. Yeah. Blue skies are going to clear up.

Give a little whistle. Put up. Give a little whistle. Give a little whistle. What's that from? It's from the song, Give a Little Whistle. No, but what? Snow White?

Give a little whistle. Yeah, Snow White. Jimmy It's from the song Give a Little Whistle. No, but what? Snow White? Give a Little Whistle. Yeah, Snow White. Jimmy Cricket. No, Pinocchio then. Ah, Pinocchio. Ladies and gentlemen, the riddle of the... Oh, dear. The riddle of the what?

I don't know. Don't try and say something. I'm just going to put a sound effect in. We're good. We're good. We're good. The riddle of the... Nothing.

Nothing at all. God. Are you eating pizza out of a pot? Yeah. What pizza is it? It's a Mexiturana. Oh, of course. Eli's speciality.

The Eli Silverman Mexicano. Do you want to do the Cheap Eats jingle then? Yeah, let's do the Cheap Eats jingle. And it goes like this. Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep. Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep. Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep. No.

No. No. Go with it, man. Start again. Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep Come on, keep it going I need that underpinning this What am I meant to do? To your impression of Frank Spencer

You go, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep Do I carry on doing cheep, cheep, cheep? Yeah, like that, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep Sort of vary the intensity I just needed to know you I didn't know you Vary the intensity Alright, okay

Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, che. Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep I'm just going to go ahead and say I disagree. It's all in the edit. So you say I can edit it out. You can, obviously. Welcome to Cheap Eats. And what happens on Cheap Eats, Paul? We go through little corners of the shops. Oh, fuck. I don't know what's wrong today. Don't fart as well.

You make me laugh. My failure. The look through the corners of what? We taste food. Why did corners? Corners of what? We look through the little corners of what? We taste cheap food. You keep giving yourself

these sentences, these unresolvable sentences. There's no way out of that sentence. Paul Gannon and his new album Unresolved Sentences. Right. Oh my love, I adore you like a...

And his greatest hit Do you remember when I... Paul. Yeah. Cheap Eats is the section of the show where we taste cheap food items and we give our honest opinions on them

and maybe they come from a shop like Lidl or maybe they come from a corner shop or maybe they come from sometimes they give us stuff don't they in the PO box

we get sent a lot of Cheap Eats these days so what would you like to start with because I can start with mine and get out of the way get yours out of the way.

I'm interested to see what you've brought along. So what's interesting is that this came in the PO box with no note, no letter who it's from. I'm going to show you one of them because I got sent a pack of 12. So let me just get this picture ready. Here we go. Bear with me.

You only brought one along, then? One along because I got a pallet of 12. Ooh, this picture ready. Here we go. Bear with me. You only brought one along, though. One along. Because? They're large. I got a pallet of 12. Ooh, this is interesting. So there's 12 of those and a great big pallet. He's handed me what looks like a plastic coffee cup sized item. Yes. Like a disposable coffee cup.

Yeah. But it has a film top on it. It does, yes. Similar to a pot noodle. It's akin to it. And it says coffee cup. Yeah. But it has a film top on it. It does, yes. Similar to a pot noodle. It's akin to it. And it says Ninja Noodles. Yes. Ninja Noodles, and it says gummy noodles, candy sauce.

It says sauce here. Yeah, that's what I mean. I've not opened them yet, so I don't know. Sauce. Candy chopsticks. There's sauce. This is some kind of replica sweet noodle. It's a candy instant noodle. It's a candy instant noodle.

It's a candy Nissan. Interesting item. So bear with me one second. I'll use my face to open my fucking phone. So yeah, they came in like a pack of 12. Wow. So they've been sitting on a shelf at the top of my cupboard in the kitchen for ages. And I thought, oh shit, yeah.

So that was you. Thank you. I knew there was candy noodles existing. Yeah. But I don't think we've ever had them on the show before. No, you're about to try it now by peeling back the film. I'll peel back the film at the top. And see what's in...

Oh, he's giving it a hoof. Very fruity gum hoof. Can I have a fruity gum hoof? You can. Ooh. Very vimto-y. Vimto-y, yes. Sort of all fruit.

Vimto is the kind of artificial fruit flavour. It's that generic, general fruit flavour, isn't it? Yeah. So what's inside? There's a lot of sachets inside. Is there? Yes. I'll hand this to you. That's the noodles, I believe. They're green. Okay, so that's just gummy noodles. Here are the chopsticks.

So like they're chalk candy chopsticks or something? Yes, and they look like those when they used to get candy cigarettes. They look like they're made of the same stuff, which was a kind of chalky white sort of hard here's the sauce six sided

octagonal yeah I think that's a mistake because chopsticks they don't look like chopsticks no they don't but they're two sticks because this is the equivalent of a sort of

like fake burger candy yeah by what's that called trolley here's the sauce what sauce is that it's the candy sauce.

Now, shall we assemble this? Of course. Shall we assemble it? Of course. How about we try a bit separately, and then you can put it all in the pot at the end? Sure. I'm up for that. Now, I'm having trouble getting into this.

Scissors are there. I'll pass you the meters. The meters hook, thank you. Yeah. Problem is, these scissors are covered in hemp oils. Right. Here's the noodles. I'd like to have a try of one of those.

Okay. You know, as it comes. Grab a bit of that. Grab a little bit. They're green and yellow and blue. There we go. I'm going to try this one. I'm going to dump the remainder into the pot.

Not great. No? No, they have that... Not quality. The only way I can describe it is... Hair drop, sore taste? No. Do you know that fake...

Mate, it's gone. It's gone again. It's gone again. Paul. It's fake gummy jelly beans. You know the jelly bean knock-off? Oh, the cheap jelly beans. It's got that kind of. It's fake jelly beans. You know the jelly bean knockoff? Oh, the cheap jelly beans. It's got that kind of texture and that kind of flavour.

That kind of crumbly, sweet sensation, you know? They're sort of almost powdery, those cheap ones. The crystallised. It's the crystallised sugar. Yeah. They've almost got that flow. These. They're not very gummy.

Well, they are gummy, but they... Have a little bite. See what I mean? I'll see what you mean. Do you see what I mean? They've got that kind of fake jelly bean gummy texture almost. They're not very good.

Now he's put them in the pot now, the rest. I've put them in the pot and I've got this sauce squeezer. Yeah, what a strange concoction. This is like those candy sprays and the candy roll-on we had as well. I don't know. I think it's going to be thicker. I think it's going to be like, you know, those gummy pops that you could squirt out. I think you need to squirt

it onto the noodles, don't you? Yeah, you just squirt it right on. So he's adding the sauce now to the noodles in the pot as you would if it was a real noodle. Oh, it's clear. I can't expect it to have some colour. But it does look like you've just squeezed spoff all over your noodles. It is so spoffy, man. That is pre-cum.

Hello. Hello. Who sent you this? your noodles. It is so spoffy, man. It is. That is pre-cum. That is pre-cum. Hello. Hello. Who sent you this? I don't know. That's the point. I don't know who sent this. Was it El Ken? Mr. El Ken. His pseudonym. Yeah, maybe. I don't know. Oh, God, it's getting everywhere.

Can I have the tube? I'll have a little lick of the tip. Lick the tip of the tube, mate. Alright. Ooh. What? Nasty. Now, look, Paul, I'm using these Can I have the tube? I'll have a little lick of the tip. Lick the tip of the tube, mate. All right. Ooh. What? Nasty. Now, look, Paul, I'm using these chopsticks. He is.

He's using the chopsticks, ladies and gentlemen. And I'm hooking some of this. It's actually quite sour, this fruit sauce. Well, it's just like, because they're sweet. There's no sourness to the noodles, is there? Look, I've got some in the... Yeah, he's poured the goo all over the noodles, and he's used the chalky sticks to put the gummy noodles in his dirty gobble. How is there? Look, I've got some in the... Yeah, he's poured the goo all over the noodles and he's used the chalky sticks

to put the gummy noodles in his dirty gobble. How is it? Because it looks disgusting. Not great. No, it doesn't look it. What about the sticks? Are they crunchy?

Are they like... Yeah, taste the other end of that. I'll have a taste of the other end of that. I thought it was going to taste a little bit more floral. You know, like those musk sticks. It's pure novelty bullshit.

Yeah, that is... Terrible thing. Terrible. You've got 13 of them, isn't it? I've got 11 more to get rid of now. Right, I need a score from you. Well, two. Five, two.

Two. I'll go one. I'm only giving it an extra one because of the novelty. I just wish it had the flavour of a kind of Haribo gummy or... It's just not very high quality any of this no none of its high quality it's a novelty item do you want 11 more of these to try i could probably no again it's that sort of trope as well that kabuti noodles did as well of using a sort of yeah a stereotypical sort of Far Eastern... Fucking stick a ninja on it. Stick a ninja on it. That's like noodles.

And it's also, weirdly, sort of trying to say noodles are sort of exotic or like, look at these strange things and we've replicated it. Do you know what I mean? But made it very kind of Western. Yeah. So, all right, well, there you go.

Ninja noodles. Not amazing. Now let's go on to a more authentically far eastern Asian drink. This is a Paldo, and a Paldo made that cheese ramen that we tried. Oh, God. Remember that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was all right, that.

That was a decent ramen. But wait, they made a drink? Yes. A Paldo just like a generic company? I think they're a Korean food company, yes. Okay, so they're not known for noodles, per se. I didn't know they made drinks until I saw this item in Chinatown. So what is it?

It is a sweet cinnamon punch. Oh, you know what it looks like? It looks like those tins you see of like, you know, Caribbean ginger ale. Yeah. It's got that kind of, it's like the orange and the thing. Now, yeah, it's obviously some kind of Korean. It's very short and stout, isn't it? It says Korean traditional beverage.

When I read the words traditional, it could be one of two things, bitter or just nasty in some way. To me, already I'm thinking this is going to taste like a kind of very, very spicy ginger ale. Right. But with the spice being cinnamon instead of ginger. Okay. The cover shows, the can's picture shows some kind of... Looks like a bowl of soup. With some kind of log floating in it.

Is that meant to be a fruit or something? Is that a cinnamon pod? It's quite a... What's cinnamon look like in real life? Cinnamon is bark. Oh, of course it is. At boarding school, my friend Farhad Tiabji used to get scented. And he'd be sharing it out with me. Cinnamon? Yeah, bark. Oh, of course it is. At boarding school, my friend Farhad Tiabji used to get sent it and he'd be sharing it out with me.

Cinnamon? Yeah, bark. And you'd chew the bark. It's lovely. You'd love it. No, I'm pretty sure I've had it. It rings a bell. That would be good for you.

Good snack. I'd like that. I like licorice sticks. You know the ones that are like trees? The actual tree ones, yeah. Cinnamon bark is very similar. I used to chew on those when I was a kid.

I still bite my fingernails a lot. Parents tried to get me to have the thing and it didn't work. So then I just eat the whole stick. Listen, mate, if I see some cinnamon bark somewhere, I'll get you some. I think you can get them in those health food shops still. Anyway, sorry. So let's try this. So you haven't tried this before?

I have not tried it before. This is new territory for us here on Cheap Eats, Paul. Let's, I mean, officially, it should be on our Cheap Eats subsidiary program. Yeah, the soda jerk. The soda jerk. Sous-Yong-Gua. That's, yeah, that's what it is. Ponche de la Cannelle.

Now, for all you French listeners. I'm cracking the tab. Now, does it have a scent, sir? Oh, it's got a cheeky scent, judging by those purse lips. That's got a very strong cinnamon flavour. Can I have a snuffle? Smells like a cake. Snuffles for drinks. That's my new word. I snuffle

drinks, but I huff snacks. Now that's a snuffle worth snuffling. That's a very Christmassy smell. Well, cinnamon is one of the Christmas spices, isn't it? It's probably my favourite of the Christmas spices. Oh, it's very brown, isn't it? It doesn't look carbonated. I don't think it's particularly carbonated anyway.

I don't think it's carbonated at all. It seems flat. I'll have this one, then. Cheers. Salute. Salute. Oh, fuck, that's very sweet. It's all right.

Yeah. But as someone who's cutting back on sugar, right now, that is the sweetest thing. Is it? Yeah. It's not too bad. No, it's nice right. Yeah. But as someone who's cutting back on sugar, right now, that is the sweetest thing. Is it? Yeah. It's not too bad. No, it's nice. Weirdly, and I don't know why,

but weirdly, I can imagine warming this up would be quite nice. Oh, it'd be great. Warm. How's it meant to warm it? No. Maybe. That's quite nice. Yeah.

It's very sweet, and it's got a lot of cinnamon, but it hasn't got that sharp cinnamon. No. It doesn't burn at all. It's gentle. It's got the cinnamon that you'd have in a can of Cinnabon. You know what I mean?

It's that candy. It's not like those hot tamales where it burns or, you know, like a... Oh, I don't know. I don't know about that. There's no bits in it. No, no bits in it. It's fine.

You know what I mean? It's fine. It's not my cup of tea. What would you give it out of three? Five. Objectively, 3.5. I'd say, yeah, 3. I wouldn't go for it.

Not that big on cinnamon, you know? But maybe on a cold day, you put it in the microwave for a bit, wobbly, wobbly, warm it, drink it down, gobble, gobble. Do I have to wobbly, wobbly, warm it? Can I just warm it? No, the sound effect. Why would I have to wobbly, wobbly, warm it? Because that's the sound it makes.

I don't want it. I don't want to cutify anything about my life. I don't want to go wobbly, wobbly. Wobbly, wobbly. I do not want to say that when I'm warming up a fucking drink.'t want to cutify anything about my life. I don't want to go wobbly wobbly. Wobbly wobbly. I do not want to say that when I'm warming up a fucking drink. I want to get that wobbly, a wobbly, a warm back drink. It's when you make a cup of tea, you go and tiggly, tiggly tea time. I do.

Do you? I go, who wants a cup of tiddly, tiddly tea? Are you annoying? Or coffee, anyone? Tiddly tea or coffee? Who wants it, ladies and gentlemen? I might have some more of this. A pot pizza. Fridge pizza. Oh, it, ladies and gentlemen? I might have some more of this. Cook a pot pizza.

Fridge pizza. Oh, God, it's depressing watching you. It's like the world's saddest zoo. I just come in here and look at you. You're like a fucking ugly panda. You just sit here.

Ugly panda? Yeah. Sexless, rolling around on your tummy, putting food in your mouth, playing on a swing. What have we got next? I don't know, mate.

You take your time and eat your fucking food while we're making a podcast. Go on. It's a cheap eat section. Yeah, but the pizza isn't part of this section, is it? This is just you eating.

I could give it a score. I don't want a score. A four out of five. Very nice. Do you like cold pizza? No, I don't. I'm one of those people who, if it's cold,

it has to have been made to be cold. If it was a hot meal and it's gone cold, I can't touch it. Something about cold pizza. No. Ooh, I'll wash it down with some of this. Cinnamon punch. Oh, God. You know what would go lovely with this?

Privacy. Some black pudding flavoured crisps. Oh! Segway. You know what? It's not a good one but I'll take it. Here we go.

So there's a thing about this because I think didn't we say oh you can't get black pudding crisps and that's what led to this or is this just

convergence because Mrs Biffo happened to have some nearby or something. How do we get these crisps? He got sent them. He's always on the crisp lookout because we did that video about those. He's got a crisp problem, you know, Biffo.

Does he really? Do you remember when he did Cheap Show like two years ago, the first time he came on? Oh, yeah, he got all those crisps. He hadn't done crisps in years. And it was like, oh, I can't really touch him. Oh, I can't. He was allergic. No, but it felt like we were dealing with

a crack addict. He's got a real crisp issue, doesn't he? He's got a crisp addict issue. He loves crisps. Do you see that

look in his eye? Watch the videos back of those crisps at the prison, Chris. They are amazing though, Paul. Those whole shebang are amazing crisps.

Those are one of the best crisps I've ever eaten in my life. Fair enough. They were too much for me. I thought they were too much.

No, not really. My cup of tea. Too much flavour. Yeah. Over strong. They were too much for me. I thought they were too much. No, not really. My cup of tea. Too much flavour. Yeah. Over strong. Too much going on. Too much going on. Either one thing or other.

Right. Now, I have a scissors. You have a scissors. Yeah. I have a scissors. Yeah. And that means I'm going to be able to apply a technical super huff. Yes.

Injection huff test on this. Now, what are we doing first before we get any further? It's a crisp that we were given in quite huge quantities by Mr. Biffo and Mrs. Biffo.

They got sent obviously a huge batch. Fiddler's Lancashire crisps and what's the flavour? Black pudding and English mustard. Now, to be clear and to be honest

with the listening audience we have eaten these already because we got like 20 packs. I haven't had any. I haven't tasted these. Oh, I've had like three packs of them. Oh, right. I took a load.

Because they said, I have some crisps. And because they said they gave some to you already, I just presumed you'd had them already. No, I keep the thing pure. I care about this podcast, Paul. How fucking dare you say that?

I care about it. The actual implication in that tone of voice of yours, suggesting, Paul. How fucking dare you say that? I care about it. The actual implication in that tone of voice of yours, suggesting I don't care about a podcast that I weekly edit for hours of my day, run the social media, do the website, all the promotion, booking the live shows, running after Patreon, doing my best with that.

Matey, matey boy. You are a naughty sausage. Paul, I wasn't implying anything i'm just saying the very goal i was just saying i care about the sanctity of these reviews we do on cheap eats yeah okay and i save myself yeah i punish myself it's a little bit of self-flagellation do you want those crisps are you peckish yes, I will not have those crisps because I want to come clean. I want to come to it cold.

That's filthy panda logic, mate, and you know it. Right, so you've already tasted these crisps. Yes. Now, I'm not going to give my opinion until you've tried them, but I will say I've never seen a black pudding flavour before and I was interested in it as a result. I've never. These must be the only black pudding flavour.

Well, I can't imagine there's never, ever been black pudding crisps. But I couldn't tell you what brand who made it, what country, where. It's a strange thing to make a crisp flavour out of

because so much of what a black pudding actually is is the texture. Isn't it? Do you know what I mean? But it still has a distinctive taste. It has a meaty flavour, but I mean,

you know when you're eating It's like a sausage flavour crisp. That sounds like an advert then. You know when you eat black pudding. Right. You know. That's one of the things that made you turn vegetarian, black pudding, wasn't it? Yeah. No, it was the horrible burgers in school

that had bubbles in. Oh, God. We used to have burgers that were floppy and pale and thin and they had bubbles on the skin. I remember eating one and the burger went and I cut it and I was like that was it that was literally

aged like 16 I think it was I'm going to be vegetarian for a bit that is terrible your burger exhaling yeah it did it felt like

it was last breath right imagine the huff on that air pocket that came out of that burger as well that would be a proper beefy air pocket

it's funny even thinking back I know exactly where I was sitting in the school dining hall. I know exactly what the smell was. You know what I mean? You have those moments. That smell of old school school dinners, man.

It never leaves you, does it? Chicken pot pie with its creamy, creamy... Right. Coronavirus. Oh, coronavirus. Topical. Now, I'm snipping off the edge of this Right, coronavirus. Oh, coronavirus. Topical. Now. Right, here we go.

I'm snipping off the edge of this. Snip it. In order to inject the huff air straight into the nozzle hole. Go. Snip. It's gone in. His eyes are rolling back like a stall's eyes. It's got a huff on it.

Yeah. I'm getting ham. A very strong hammy huff. Interesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a a huff on it Yeah I'm getting ham A very strong Hammy huff Interesting Yeah It's a hammy smell I'll be interested To hear your feedback

Before I give you mine And a little bit of the mustard I'm getting But I'm not thinking That would not make me think Black pudding Well It would not

I think ham If I was Take that as a cold huff Yeah You just wake me up In the middle of the night For example I went huff this

And shoved in I'd be like How terrified would you be If I was like knees on your shoulder You're sitting there at night and you hear your window just open He's come to shove crisps in your face And then you feel these two knees rest on your shoulders The rustle of a crisp pack Here come the night half Murder. Here come the night half.

The murderer. Here come the night half. He's a crispy dancer. Excuse me, Mr. Officer. He huffy like that. Right. Go on, have a test. They look kind of like a good quality thick cut crisp. Similar to

a kettle. And they've got a sort of colouring, an orangey colouring. Again, doesn't scream. Doesn't belie black pudding, does it? Doesn't scream back pudding to me. Now, you don't want to have maybe a black coloured crisp, but I'm now going to have one, now that you've had your first taste. And again, for clarification, I have had these already.

This is not a dry test for me. What do you think? I think that's a very nice tasting crisp. This is not a dry test for me. What do you think? I think that's a very nice tasting crisp. It is. Very, very nice tasting. But? It doesn't taste of black pudding. It does not taste of black pudding.

It tastes more like ham or bacon. Even chicken and mustard. Sort of chicken, you know, a bit like a roast chicken flavour. Well, for me, it's kind of like a fake bacon almost, but not quite. Yeah. It feels more like that. It's much closer to bacon. And it's a nice kick with the mustard. I love mustard. It's not of like a fake bacon almost, but not quite. It feels more like that. It's much closer to bacon. And it's a nice kick with the mustard.

I love mustard. It's not too overwhelming, that mustard as well. Because sometimes you get that sharp burn of it. I like the burn. I like the burn. That's a tasty, tasty, crispy crisp. But don't think of something else to sell it as. Here's the thing. Here's the thing.

What is the common flavour? It's ham and mustard, right? You get ham and mustard butties. You get ham and mustard flavoured crisps. No, you also get ham and mustard flavoured... What? Branigans. Oh, do you?

A cult. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess so. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right. Pub snack. So this is just them going, we've got this flavour. Is it ham and mustard or ham and piccalilli?

No, I think it's ham and mustard. No, it's beef and mustard. No, it's beef and mustard. No, it's ham and mustard, isn't it? Beef and piccalilli. I'll beef your piccalilli. Really? That's the best you had? After giving me that eye contact as if you were to say, here comes the gold.

And it was like, oh no. No, it wasn't gold. Here comes the slurry. The slurry tunnel. Oh, the slurry. Right in the eyes. The slurry carriage. Right.

So I would give that still a four out of five. Yeah. Very strong, Chris. Lovely. I wonder if people are into, so I would give that still a four out of five. Yeah. Very strong, Chris. Lovely. I wonder if people are into these. I've never heard of fiddlers before. No. I mean, I've heard of fiddlers.

You know what I mean? Hey. Yeah. We had a teacher called the fiddler. Why? Because he used to fiddle with himself. Is this a joke now? No, no, no.

It's true. He used to fiddle with himself and he got called a fiddler. He didn't keep his job for too long. Because he was fucking touching his penis during working hours. That's how you mostly end up losing jobs. Well, some jobs. I'm sorry, Mr. Gannon, but you just can't do that on the shop floor.

I wasn't told I couldn't when I started working here at WH Smith's. I'm loving this scenario, Paul. Paul, you can't play the genitalia on the WH Smith's shop floor. Did you? I'm doing it by the A to Z section where the maps are. No one's ever watching me. Well, we can't have this because the CCTV camera is picking it up. I think we need to curtail this.

So we're going to have to ask you to leave. I will not. Well, you don't have a say. Paul, we need to curtail this. Yeah, shall we move on? Yeah, please. Oh, I spunked in boggle. I'll tell you.

I'll tell you when I got fired. For feeling for myself. Did you? Yeah. How has this never come up? I was working in Robert Dias, yeah? I just sort of was by the cafetiers

and I was like, oh, nice action on that cafetier. All plunging up and down. So I flopped it out into the glass bit. I flopped it out into the glass bit and give it a stirring motion. Flop-a-lop-a-lop.

A flop-flop-flop. A flop, flop, flop. Some guy who worked there, my boss or whatever. Yeah. Comes over and says, you're out. I said, it's our fair, cop governor. And I walked out. That wasn't true. No, that was true.

Oh, you had me going. Right, one more item on TP. Is it? Christ. Hurry up, then. Two more items. No, one. Stop.

Stop trying to curtail my joy. I'm handing in the item. This is interesting. This is interesting, actually. Doritos Taco Bajaratli. Bajaratli. Bajaratli. I think they might be Turkish Doritos.

Maybe. Maybe. But I still don't understand what flavour that would even be. We don't have green. We don't have green. It's a green packet. A green packet. And we do not have green.

As far as I'm concerned, what are the flavours of Doritos we got? Chili Heat Wave. Blue Ice. Or whatever it's called. Cool Blue. Cool Original. Yeah. Because they can't do...

And Nacho Cheese, or whatever it's called. We can't do Ranch, so they call it cool. Yeah. Whatever. I don't like any Doritos, I'll be honest. I don't like the flavourings of them. It's overwhelming, almost, isn't it? It's just thick and kludgy.

Yeah, it's kludgy. I agree. And sweet, sort of... Yeah, I'd rather just have a normal, plain taco. I quite like a cheese Dorito, I have to say. Now, but these are tacos. Have you got your phone on you? Yeah.

Let's have a little look what the actual flavour is, because it's good to be able to judge it against that. It looks like it's pepper. Yeah. It's like there's some peppers there. AMAT text port is translated into Spanish, so it's Spanish. I don't know what it's just.

It translates it as the exact same word. So that really doesn't help. No, it can't help. I don't know. Okay, well, we'll just have to decide. I think it's pepper. Yeah, I think it's hot pepper. Yeah, I think it's hot pepper.

It's not chili heatwave because that's a red packet. Yeah. And there was also. There's nacho on the back, which suggests cheese. It's nacho, taco, and something else on the back. That's how they. No, those are the cheese ones. We get those, and those are the chilli heatwave ones.

We don't get these green ones. No, so let's try it then. Huff injection mode. Huff. He's got the huff. Down, down, down. He's got the huff. I'm loving these scissors.

Because I can get a real proper huff injection on the nostril. Snip. Huff. And it's quite a textbook. It's going right up the snoj. Paprika and oregano. Paprika and oregano? And thyme.

It smells thymy. Shall I have a smell? Oh yeah, you're right. It's more herby. Very herby. That's interesting. Maybe, maybe today, boys and girls,

Paul will find a flavour of Doritos he finds alright. You like that smell? It's certainly more interesting. That's interesting. Maybe, maybe today, boys and girls, Paul will find a flavour of Doritos he finds alright. You like that smell? It's certainly more interesting. It's pizza. They smell like pizza flavour, Chris, don't they? Oh, that's it, exactly.

It's like oregano. Bits of pizza flavour. Bits of pizza flavour. Bits of pizza, bits of pizza. That's what I think this is. Bits of pizza. Alright,

well let's try these then. That's definitely a new flavour to me. Completely new flavour. You're right, it's a pizzeria kind of flavour. Yeah. Completely new flavour. You're right. It's a pizzeria kind of flavour. Yeah.

Which is strange, because I thought it would have been... What were the peppers on the front? That would be hot. Spicy or peppery. It's not. It's sweet. It's got that same Doritos clodge. Clodge, you think? But the flavour's more palatable,

because I don't like how they do their cool flavour, and I don't like their cheeses. It's all this clodgy, isn't it? Thick clodgy. Thick clodgy. And sometimes you find a big hardened ball of just the kludge powder. I don't want the kludge powder.

Anywhere near me gullet. What's the final thing? Oh, by the way, 3.5 out of 5. You thought those were all right? Yeah, actually. They're quite tasty, yeah. Tasty. It's funny when you just have...

They decided the British market would just won't do that flavour. And the European market likes that and the Greek market likes that. You know what I mean? They obviously try and tailor it to cultural tastes. But you'd think that would be a flavour that people here would enjoy. Yeah. I don't know.

Anyway, final thing. Final thing. And a bit of a clallet cleanser. Callet cleanser. It is. Some plain crisps. Simple, plain old, plain old simple crisps. These are San Carlo.

I believe. Santana. San Carlo. It's an Italian crisp flavour, but they're gone for the very much for the heritage history with the design of these crisps, because these are 1936. They're called 1936 crisps.

And Tissa Riccetta potato chips. So they're saying we did it first, everyone, in 1936. Shall I try scanning that, then? Yeah. Go on. It will have a little blurb at the bottom. See if you can read that out. Ancient potato recipe.

Ancient. That's what it says. Ancient recipe potato. Actually, it's the official translation. I don't think 1936 is considered ancient. In the heart of Milan, the Rotissina San Carlo opens, and it immediately happened. The rotisserie is a real reference for gourmet of the time.

It's particularly renowned for its thin, curled, and very crunched chips. The wisdom and passion with which these chips were prepared has been passed down from generation to generation. You need wisdom and passion to make a good crisp. Net worth 1.7 ounces. Net worth. Oh, there's a little man on the back, a little potato man.

Is there a potato man on the back? There's a little potato man on the hat wearing a hat. I like the potato man. And there's little black and white photos. They've really gone for the sort of, this is a traditional heritage crisp. But crisps were in Britain before 936, weren't they? Oh, I think we've done the research on this already. Are you sick of crisps?

Yeah. Right, come on. Huff. Now, we're expecting not a huff here, really, are we? I have to level with you and the listeners, Paul. I have tasted a packet of these. Fine. Well, exactly.

So I'm going to snip the huff hole for you, and you get your nostril ready for the listeners, Paul. I have tasted a packet of these. Fine. Well. So you, I'm going to snip the half hole for you and you get your nostril ready for the half injection. I am not ready for this. Here we go. Give it a squeeze up your nose. Yeah, it smells exactly like I thought it was going to smell.

Like a ready salted? Like dry potato, not even ready salted. You remember the old salt and shake bags? They're like those. Of which they are uncannily similar in its design in terms of white

and that navy blue red and blue white and blue yeah because that's what we found out didn't we doing the research

ready salted the reason why it's called ready salted is because plain crisps were like this originally and used to come

with a little salt pack in so you had to shake it out but then when they brought out already salted crisps that you didn't have to add the sachet to

so it's like we've done it for you yeah that's why it's already salted mate ready salted that's why it's called that. Ah, I did not know that. Yeah, I found that out on Twitter it turned out when we did it. These are a classic, what I'd call a continental style potato chip.

There's something different about that. There is a salt to it. Oh, it's salty, yeah. They're already salted. Delicate. They're good, aren't they? But they're not like kettle style. They're like a little bit. They're a little in between a kettle and a sort of walkers, aren't they? Well, they're very tasty.

They're good. I'll give that a four. I have to a nice simple snack that. Can you taste the wisdom and passion? I can. Yeah. All the way down. I'll give it a four.

What a thrilling, thrilling segment of Cheap Show that was. Shall we move on to the next exciting moment? I'm looking forward to the... Well, I'm looking forward to it too. Paul, we need to sort it out. Sort it out. It's fine. You're going to be fine, yeah? It's going to be fine. I've got an armbar in your mouth.

I've got an armbar in your mouth. I've got an armbar in your mouth. Oh, an armbar in your mouth. I've got an armbar in your mouth. Ooh, armbar in your mouth. I've got an armb knob in your mouth. I've got a knob out in your mouth. Ooh, up in your bum. I've got a knob out. Ooh, up in your bum. Whoa!

I've got a knob out in your mouth. Ooh, up in your bum. It's getting there. Knob out in your mouth. Knob out in your bum. God almighty. Go on, end it. Knob out.

Please stop it. Price of shite for you It's time for the price of shite Ladies and gentlemen It's the fucking Price of shite It's the fucking Price of shite It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. Oh, it's the fucking price of shite.

Oh, it's the fucking price of shite. That's right. Yes, so I have been to the shop twice to get the price of shite. Do you want to explain the rules of the price of shite to everybody? The price of shite is a game where I, or Eli, I've already fucked it. I've already fucked it. It's a game where we guess the price of items we bought in charity shops or what notary.

You know, it's that kind of game. Now, here are the rules as they stand. To guess the price, if you get it spot on, the exact price, you get two points, or, as we like to call them, between, between, between, between. However, if you're out by 25p either way of the actual price, then that's only one between. Between.

And that's the base rules. Other betwings are added as and when, depending on the round and the items in question. Do you want me to detail what other extra betwings are available to you today, Paul? Eli, I'd love... I've knocked over the all-purpose sauce. Don't worry, it'll stand up itself. Yes. Paul, available to you today...

What are the extra betwings on the table? There are two items which are the same price. Give me that, give me that, give me that, give me that, give me that betwing, give me that, give me that, give me that. If you get them, if you guess that they are the same price, even if you get that price wrong, you get an extra betwing. Wait, what? Two of these items are the exact same price.

Right. Yeah. How many items are there at all? Let me see. I've got the paper here. He's got the paperwork. I've pre-prepared this. He's prepared it.

By prepared, he means he's just written down. Just like I, you know. Things. I hurt myself by not tasting those crisps before just now. They were sitting there. I'm lying in bed. Nothing's going on. Hey, fucking hell. Nothing's going on on the crisps looking at me oh they're going oh i'm a packet of black pudding flavor and mustard i love mustard me you know i love mustard and i'm like oh

oh i would love to have those crisps right now but i won't no is your connection of miniature things does one of them include a fucking tiny violin? Because I'd like to play that about now over your rotten sob story. There are one, two, three, four, five, six, seven items. Seven and two of them at the same price. Yes, and you get an extra per twing. If I can spot that. And even if you get the price wrong,

if you know that they're the same price. That's an easy per twing for you. Twins get a per twing. That's an easy per twing. All right get a between. That's an easy between. That's almost like a bonus free between just to cheer you up. You get that between, you'll know that. Also, there is the three between super monster bounty.

Right. It's classic rule of Price is Right if you get them in the right order. Oh, price. Far cheapest, two most expensive in a row. If you get that right, it has to be exactly right. And there are eight items, as I said. So the prices can all be wrong, but if they're in the

right order, then I get three Petwings for that. Petwing? Petwing? Petwing. Well, ladies and gentlemen, this is a potential Petwing party today. So, as is our want, as is our custom, as is our need, our whim, our whim, our need, our queef, our frosting, frottage and frimm our need, our queef. Our thrusting frottage and frimitude.

Our remote queef. As is our remote queef. You don't know what a queef is. I fucking know what a queef is, mate. Yeah. Don't do that. You rotted. I can feel a character coming off.

No, please. Queef off her. No, please. Queef off her. No. Queef off her. I can feel a character coming off No please Queef Huffer No please Queef Huffer No Queef Huffer He could be a superhero No

Queef Huffer There is no job in the world He's got the theme tune already Paul No it sounds like all your fucking theme tunes That's because they come from an extended universe Queef Huffer No Queef Huffer is not

Queef Huffer I'm saying it now Queef Huffer is not I'm saying it now. Queef Huffer is not No. You can't stop it. You can't stem this flow. Please let me stem it.

No. You cannot. Please let me put the cork in the metres of this idea. You cannot quench the Queef Huffer. Right.

Here comes the Queef Huffer. It's officially canon now. Yeah it is canon. Once it's immortalised. Are you ready to play the Price of Shite today, Paul? I'll just let you know how many potential betwings altogether were you.

I know it's not going to happen. You're big on betwings right now, aren't you? I'll just let you know how many betwings you could have the most unassailable betwing record. If you've got every single possible betwing. Right, okay. I'll tell you what you'd get for this. Yeah. You'd get. If you'd like to single possible between. Right, okay. I'll tell you what you'd get for this. Yeah. You'd get.

If you'd like to count them as I say them. Yeah. Between, between. Yeah. Between, between. Four. Between, between. Six.

Between, between. Eight. Extra between. Nine. Because those two are the same price, those ones. Okay. Between, between. I've already lost count.

Fuck's sake. Eleven. Eleven. Between, between. Four. Thirteen. And super bonus. Sixteen. Between, between, between. Sixteen. I've already lost count fuck's sake 11 between between 13 and super bonus 16 between between between

16 betwings on the table don't tell me there's not a lot of betwings on the table there's just 10 and then one extra and then 6 no look there's 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

7 items 7 items that's 14 betw's 14 per twings. Plus the extra, 15, plus three, it's 18 per twings. Oh, mate. Mate, you could have more per twings

than I've had in the last three years if you got them all right. I could just get one right and do that as well, to be honest. Just concentrate, though, yes. There's some serious per twinging that would be going on. Are you ready for your first item?

Without any further ado, please reveal your first item. Now, Paul, you'll notice a lot of these have a sort of theme to them because I've got them in a tranche of items in one charity shop. And we'll go for this one first. Someone, by the way, sent me a link on Twitter today about how someone did studies into poultices. Yeah, I saw that. Very interesting.

We'll be following that up at a later date. I can follow a poultice up. Do you know how I usually follow it up? With a thwap? Yes. Good as you're getting this. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's called conditioning. Now, I'm going to hand you the first item, Paul. It's a little handheld flat puzzle. So I believe this puzzle is like

a maze in the left hand, a maze in the right hand, and in the centre, no maze, but you have to get the ball, this tiny little ball bearing. There's a little ball bearing in it. It's a ball bearing puzzle. Through like a kind of field of green rings that you have to kind of shake. It's just annoying, isn't it? The gameplay isn't great on that, is it?

It's not really, no. It's a flat sort of plastic tray. Get off. I want to try and get at least into the maze. Reminiscent of a sort of CD case, maybe. Crystal case. Oh, I'm in the maze bit. I'm in the maze bit.

And I have done it. There you go. You've done it? That took me 10 seconds to get from the top left to the bottom right. Really? You got from there to there? Yeah. Time me.

It didn't take 10 seconds. All right, 15. Time me. You ready? Go. One, two. This is great podcasting. Three.

He's in the thing. Four, five. He's in the thing. Four, five. He's in the ring. Six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Oh, this is cool. Eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen. There we go. So about 15 seconds each.

We both did it in. Great. What's on the back? We've completed it, Paul. We both completed it. It's a time killer more than anything else. What does it say on the back? It's called... I like the way on the

back as well it's got an instruction sheet. The ultimate challenge. How fast can you move the ball from the bottom corner square through the central ring zone into the upper circle? Or vice versa. About 15 seconds. So for however much you paid

you get about 15 seconds of fun. Yeah, so Hello love It was a fair price Hello love I like the diagram They've got on the back The artwork is quite nice For a couple of pence

You could have 15 seconds of fun Would you like that madam? That's not the ultimate challenge It's something you can put in your hand It's just the ultimate challenge Excuse me love It's something you can put in your hand And have 15 seconds of fun with

Would you like that love? Come on love Would you like that? Something you can put in your hand And play for around 15 Now how are you With manipulating balls Because I've got something you can put your hand you can manipulate the balls yeah maybe dodge a few rings but when I suck you

off no madam it's a handheld toy for kids you're a disgusting cow so there's a see Paul yeah the scenes today. You know what? One of them might hit gold. You've got to keep rolling the dice, mate, haven't you? As we said before. They can't all be winners. Yeah, it's a numbers game, isn't it? That's your first item.

It's a little puzzle toy. Can I ask you a question? I think more than as a toy, I quite like the aesthetic of it. Yeah, because the navy blue. Neon green almost. It's not navy blue. It's an azure blue. A baby blue. It's a dark baby blue, neon green almost. It's not navy blue. It's an azure blue. A baby blue.

It's like an electric blue almost. Yeah, the green neon. And the green sort of neon. It's pleasing to look at, and it will look very nice up there on my shelf of all my other Now, can I ask a question? Are these things all bought in the same place? I'll let you know, yes. Right, so.

You'll see there's a distinct theme along plastic puzzle. All right, okay. Today. So that's the first one. Do you remember that particular toy from? No, not really. I don't think that could have been a big hit. I think if you go to most.

As a toy, it's shit. As a puzzle, it doesn't work. Back in the day, if you went to like your pound stretcher or your home and bargain stores or whatever, you'd see by the till, there was like a big box of those things. You know, there's always going to be those mini mazes and handheld toys and busy toys. Yeah. So were they by the chill? Yeah, they were always

like a quid, maybe two quid tops. They were pocket money toys, you know? Yeah. Wait, why are you hiding that back in the bag? Here we go.

Let me just take the price off. All right, item number two is an interesting thing. Now, ah, ooh, I see what it's done there. So, it's a little box. On the top it says, Star Puzzler.

On the right, on the outside, the packaging would make you believe you have bought a Rubik's Cube, but with a bit more inspection, you'd find that to be false. For it is a cube, but the difference is it's more triangular, isn't it? It's like... It's not a cube.

It is a cube. That's not a cube. It's kind of a cube. Until I open it, I don't know. Open it. I need a knife. No, no, it is open. It's already open. Oh, you opened it from the bottom. It's not a... Until I open it, I don't know. Open it. I need a knife. No, no, it is open. It's already open. Oh, you opened it from the bottom. It's not mint on card. Oh, with the top.

Oh, you're right. It's not a cube. It is a... Dodecahedron. Dodecahedron Rubik's Cube knockoff. But it's got the same colour scheme, black and then a yellow, red, green, blue side. It's a total knockoff.

It's trying to say... But it isn't a Rubik's item, is it? It's not a Rubik's item. That's what I'm saying. From the colour palette of the box and the actual toy, it fools you into thinking it's a Rubik's item, is it? It's not a Rubik's item. That's what I'm saying. From the colour palette of the box and the actual toy, it fools you into thinking it's a Rubik's item. It's an octagon, sorry. It's an octagonal octagon.

It's an eight-sided thing. If you imagine two pyramids stuck together at the bottom. Two square-based pyramids stuck together at the bottom. Yeah. That's the shape. It seems very convoluted. Can I have a little twiddle? It was huge, the Rubik's Cube, wasn't it? Yeah, it is

the biggest toy of the 80s, isn't it? Really? Something like that. Now... God, that's going to be a bugger to... To work out. It was different maths, isn't it? Because it's all triangles rather than the squares of the Rubik's Cube. Yeah, it is a different type of logic, because you're working on three sides. You're working on base three instead. Well, apart from the

ends, when you've got four sides on the tips it's interesting it is interesting could you solve a classic Rubik's Cube no I never learned

I never had the patience for them I like aesthetically the look of a Rubik's Cube but the toy itself I don't think I ever put any time into playing did you

never did you know anyone who was ever great at them I knew people who could do them yeah but I never bothered because it was just they're hard but have you seen those people on like ever. Did you know anyone who was ever great at them? I knew people who could do them, yeah. Yeah? But I never bothered

because it was just, they're hard. But have you seen those people on like, who can juggle and do it at the same time? Juggle and do it at the same time. That kid who juggled three

and it took him what, ten, five minutes or whatever to do it? What on earth is going on? Rubik's Cubes do feature in Magic a lot because they have that number game thing.

Yeah, so there's a logic, you can apply a logical sort of process. Well, the great thing about Rubik's Cubes is that when you tell an audience something like that, like the permutations of Rubik's Cube is 8 million blah, blah, blah, blah. People go, oh, well then the possibilities of him knowing it,

you know, it's a misdirection. It's a misdirection. When the actual trick is, I'm not saying it's simple, but obviously the solution to the trick is not the maths involved in a rubik's cube you know okay interesting um so that is one of the many variations i like that it's good in it yeah it's in good condition it's obviously never been played with because the boxes i wouldn't say mint on card but there's the box it comes with its box

it came with his box which is nice isn't it and it? You don't often see them with their box, do you? The construction of it, though, is also all right by the looks of it. Pretty good, yeah. It doesn't feel cheap. Made in China. Taiwan. Did you ever buy a cheap Rubik's Cube and you just felt the looseness of the cubes? You felt how cheap it was. This seems like quite a well-made item, doesn't it?

Yeah, surprisingly. Nice box as well with a picture of it on each side and a star puzzler. So it's made of a star shape. Here comes the star puzzler. Murderer. Yeah, that's the item, Paul. What were the other ones, variations? They had ones that were sort of like a D20 side one, didn't they?

With lots of faceted sides. And they had the snake, which was popular. But if you look on toys, if you look on a toy shop website, Amazon or Smiths or whatever, there are modern Rubik's Cubes, which are all almost isometric or something.

It's a cube, but one part's a triangle, one part's an oblong, one part's a square. So there's all these... People have done permutations of the Rubik's Cube. All sorts of permutations. I used to have this Dalek-shaped tube. Oh, yeah, I remember that. And it had coloured balls in it. And you had to that was twisted but that was a cheap knockoff that was a knock you only ever saw that in like bargain stores or pound stretchers okay so that's your

second item you got any thoughts about the price of the first two items i don't i do think that the plastic one was quite cheap okay but the problem with charity shops like i think these days is because of inflation because of prices and how we pay for things anyway these days it's like you could argue that that was quite cheap in its day but you probably pay the same price for it now because we always like oh that's a quid that's 50p you know what i mean we kind of round it up and round down so those kind of things almost kind of keep the same value without having that same value yeah do you know what i've got some of that sauce from that fake noodle in my beard, and it's hardened.

Can you see it? Yeah. That's pre-cum John's. Pre-cum John's work. He's going to have to come round and put a bit of a, whatever his version of cum isopropic alcohol is. He's got some bollock IPA to dribble on your beard. Right.

So. Like trying to get chewing gum out of your ear. Very much sticking with the theme, Paul. I like this theme so far, because I like a good puddle. This, now, could be described as very nearly... Do you want to talk into the microphone? Because it's a fucking podcast. This could be described as very nearly...

Near mint. Near mint on card. There's card. You don't understand the phrase mint on card, do you? I'm trying to repurpose it, Paul, and I'm trying to widen the meaning.

It's not yours to repurpose. It is. It's not. Yes, it is. It belongs to me. I'm handing it to you, Paul.

Oh, it's in very good condition. Yeah. And this holds quite a few fond memories for myself. This is a Rubik's item, but it's not

Rubik's Cube. It is the Rubik's Clock, and I fucking love Rubik's Cube. It is the Rubik's Clock. And I fucking love the Rubik's Clock. I had one as a kid. And I solved it. Did you? I solved it myself. So that's why it held a special place in my heart.

I worked on it for like two weeks. I was on holiday. Couldn't do it, couldn't do it. Had a breakthrough and did it. Well, this is the thing, isn't it? It's like Rubik's was famous for inventing that toy, the cube. And then it was like, what else have you got? And he was like, Rubik's rings.

You know, that whole. The magic. Rubik's magic. Was that what it's called? The magic. I love that thing. That was a big craze in my school. The Rubik's magic.

Yeah. And literally, it's folding it. Because it's like a kind of flat piece of plastic you would fold and make new images with. And interlink the rings. But it has strings. Yeah. Holding these flat plates together. Like a kind of Jacob's Ladder- a kind of flat piece of platter you would fold and make new images with and interlink the rings. But it has strings holding these flat plates together. Like a kind of Jacob's Ladder-y kind of thing. There's that very similar toy, old school toy, where the thing that falls down. Jacob's Ladder?

Is that called a Jacob's Ladder? Yeah. So it was based on Jacob's Ladder technology, the magic. And stop rolling your eyes. But the thing that was great about the magic, it was almost like a toy. Like, who could do it. Who could do it the quickest? We'd have, like, races. And there was, like, shortcut things you could do, like, which were quite dodgy that could sometimes break it.

Do you know what I mean? Like this big twist move where you twist, like, several wires at once. And you just... Yeah, and it was a nice... It was satisfying. He was well into it. And he did a magic, and he also did a larger version, like a magic large, which had more... There was a Rubik's board game

as well where it's kind of like Mastermind. Can I just read this out before I hand it back? So I've seen that Rubik's board game. So just explain to them that it's mint on cards. It is in very good condition. It's in a blue box with a gatefold flap to the front and the item in the middle. I want to read out on the inside flap the blurb. It says

first Rubik's Cube then Rubik's Magic which has a TM to it funnily enough. The first one didn't. The blurb. It says, first, Rubik's Cube. Then, Rubik's Magic, which has a TM to it, funnily enough. The first one didn't. I wonder why. Then, the real brain buster, Rubik's Clock. Introducing Rubik's Clock. Professor Rubik has done it again. His clock puzzle is intriguing and compelling.

The aim is to set all the clock's hands to 12. It sounds simple, but you'll soon discover that to solve both sides at once is one of Professor Rubik's greatest challenges. How does the Rubik's clock work? The clock puzzle has four wheels and four buttons. By pressing a button and turning a wheel, the clocks move. So it's a big round dial with nine clocks on the front and back. And on each corner, there's four corners with two dials on.

If you press a different button, different clocks move. Unravel the mystery of the wheels and buttons. Find the correct solution and set all clocks to 12. That is a lovely thing in lovely condition.

It really is, isn't it? The thing is with that, it's a bit disingenuous what he says about it. It's his most challenging because it's almost like a gimmick. Once you know how to solve it, you can really just solve it. I guess that's true. It's a trick. Because Rubik's Cube has a you know how to solve it, you can really just solve it.

I guess that's true. Rubik's Cube, though. It's a trick. Because Rubik's Cube has a logic to it to solve it. It has a formula. And this has a formula as well. Once you find... You know what I mean?

The challenge is over once you've discovered how to... You know what I mean? And someone could just show you. It's quite straightforward. But it's quite ingenious, isn't it, really? It's a little... The thing is, I had a Rubik's Clock, and I never... I completed one side.

But what I liked most about it was the kind of tactile motion of the dial. That's what I mean about Rubik's game, Rubik's puzzles. They were more than just puzzles. They had a toy, a tactility, a play aspect. And especially the magic, like I say, with doing it, we could just play with it. Do you know what I mean? It was like a fidget toy. Fidget, you know, with doing it, we could just play with it. Do you know what I mean? It wasn't like... It was like a fidget toy.

Fidget toy. Yeah, absolutely. It was. I guess a Rubik's Cube, you could just say. Yes. And I just think this clock doesn't have that aspect to it. And I think that's why it's less successful. That's true.

Do you know what I mean? It's just once it's done, it's done. I guess it's because both the Rubik's Cube and that are kind of idle toys you can almost do without thinking or not looking and just fiddle with it. But this. Whereas that, it doesn't have the same. It just doesn't have that same quality. It's quite hard to describe. Do you have your box cutter on you?

I don't, actually. How am I going to get into this without breaking it? Scissors, my friend. Okay. Use the scissors to slice and dice. Okay. He's opening up the flap. So, do we think the original owner even bothered to solve this?

No, it's got a thing in the back. Oh, it's got a bit of an insert. It's got a bit of blurb on the inside. It's got an insert. That's exciting. This is mint on card, mate. It's not mint on card. It's just in very good condition.

Insert included. What's it say? Oh, it's like a cartoon strip. It's the original thing. Stop. Congratulations for attempting Professor Rubik's latest mind bender. Now read this. There's something mucky in here.

Looks like bird shit. Well, don't touch it. I'm trying to get the clock out. So it's a little professor character. You know, white hair, beard, little cartoon. One. The challenge is to get all the hands to point to 12 at the same time. You move the hands by turning the wheels.

Pushing a button makes different hands turn, and every time you move hands on this side, different hands move on the other side. It takes time to beat the Rubik's Cube, but you'll have the time of your life solving it. Good luck! It says on the outside that, but it's nice to have it. It's a nice little insert.

It is a nice little insert. It is a nice looking thing, actually. 1988. 88, yeah. This came a long while after the Cube, then, because the Cube was like 81. And you said the Cube doesn't have a trademark, so there was probably some problem with trademarking it at the time. Maybe.

And that's why you had so many knockoffs and different people able to manufacture it. No one's ever been able to manufacture this apart from Rubik's. Do you see what I mean? Probably because he made money off, well, I mean, he probably made money off the Rubik's Cube, to be fair, as well.

Maybe he sold the idea, which means it's not his, but then he went into his own business or brand. The magic is his, definitely, and this is his. It's nice, though. It's like the feel of it. Can I touch it? Oh, I remember this. Oh, I love it. It's got a

good quality build to it as well, doesn't it? Yeah. Oh, I see, and that moves that. It feels a bit rougher than I remember it but also I remember it being bigger when I was a kid well because your hands were smaller

yeah I remember my dick being bigger do you want to elaborate yeah a long time ago you thought your dick was bigger

yes thank you well I'm putting that back why don't you think it's that big now is it just because you've grown up around it yeah

so you've pushed it back in it's sucked back in yeah you've kind of compressed it in. I've compressed my dick back in. Right. I love the idea that you've grown around your dick. Well, that's what happens.

The dick's the same size, but you've grown around it like moss. If you put on weight, come on. Like, in reality, if you put on weight. You have put on a lot. Blue skies are going to clear up. Right. I'm putting this clock back. I'm putting the clock back.

Put the clock back. That's a lovely item. I think that's a real Rubik's item and the start is not, but very much in the vein of Rubik's. What a lovely find.

Yeah. We just need you to tell us the price and everyone's happy. That was probably a couple of quid. Why can't I fit this back in here?

I think you've just got to be brave and push it in. Just put it to one side. I can't get this clock. This is the real puzzle. Getting the fucking clock back into this puzzle is you. Not trying to be brave and push it in. Just put it to one side. I can't get this clock. This is the real puzzle. Getting the fucking clock back into the packaging.

The puzzle is you. Not trying to repackage the clock. I can't. It doesn't fit. I'll do it. It's a puzzle. We're in a puzzle. Well done.

Thank you. Two seconds. Well, you're the master. You just have to force it back in. If it pops out, you've just got to use your thumb and force it back in. Yeah, yeah. Where is she? Can she hear any of this?

No. She's not in the same room. She's watching EastEnders Pedestal. Okay. Now, that's nice with the insert. It is, it is, it is. It doesn't really tell you anything new that isn't on the box already, but it's cute.

It's a nice little human touch. Well, it means it's worth more, right? Well, I guess it's more towards mint on cardiness. Right, so that's three items. We've got four more to go. Fucking hell. I'm loving this Paul you could have

a between bounty now are you ready for your next item Paul yes handy I'm just going to take the price off so there's no

dilly dallying no shilly shallying it is a collectible car eraser by Dom's sports collectible car

eraser and inside a little red box is a little red I mean it looks like a now that is mint on card I'll tell you that now I bought that new Sports collectible car eraser. And inside a little red box is a little red. I mean, it looks like a... No, that is Minson card. I'll tell you that now. I bought that new.

That is new. It's nice. It's got a lovely little red car and little red car. Great. Don't know. Next. Cool. Happy with that.

Stop trying to hurry along now that you know that we just... What else is there to say about it? Get it out. Maybe give it a huff. Smell my car eraser. Is that what she said? No. She said all sorts of stuff. She didn't say nothing. She didn't mean it a half. Smell my car eraser. Is that what she said? No. She said all sorts of stuff.

She didn't say nothing. She didn't mean it, though. No. She broke my heart. God. Look at that. It's not... It's got a bit of heft to it.

It's a proper little rubber. What do you think of the design of the car? I don't know. Keep reaching for it. I'm meant to look at it and evaluate it when you're hawking over me with your talons. Your greasy, meaty, knuckly talons. Does it separate? No.

Yeah, it does. I reckon I could separate it. Oh, go on then. Oh, look at that. It's a very thin red cover. I don't want to take it. Look, that comes off. Yeah, it's two pieces.

There's a red roof. A black bottom. A black bottom. Yeah, with the wheels. Does the wheels move? I didn't think so. No, the wheels don't move. All right, fair enough.

It's a rubber, isn't it? It's an eraser. Just for reference, Paul, I also have another car eraser, but of a much higher quality. I'll just show you that right now. Here you go, Paul. Oh, it's a Hot Wheels and it's a rubber car. That's on the card.

Hard Shell Eraser. Hard Shell Eraser. What does that mean? Part of this isn't an eraser. It's just a hard shell. No, it just means, yeah, it's probably the eraser. That's a much better build, obviously, on the Hot Wheels. That's very cute of Hot Wheels to do.

So I've got that. Can you still buy Matchbox cars? I think you can, yeah. Because Matchbox were like the car toy. Yeah, they were big. And then Hot Wheels seemed to have taken over, didn't they? Just rolled in one day. Right, so I'm putting that down.

That is your item there. What do you think's better? Hot Wheels cars or Micro Machines? Hot Wheels. Micro Machines. I prefer Hot Wheels. I'm putting that down. That is your item there. What do you think is better? Hot wheels cars or micro machines? Hot wheels. Micro machines. I prefer hot wheels. I prefer micro machines. Well, you can shut up about it.

You know what? I used to have a Back to the Future 2 set of back micro machines. Little DeLorean and a little floating police car and a taxi cab. Gone. History. Removed it from my life. Here you go. Next item.

There's a bit of context for the last item. Oh, what's this? Dom's Neo... Dom's is a company that obviously the last item. Oh, what's this? Dom's Neo Eraser. Dom's is a company that obviously make erasers. Make rubbers, yeah. And in India, I believe. They're an Indian cheap eraser company. Oh, that's another heavy rubber.

But it's nothing. I mean, it's fine. It's a nice octagon. Oh, is it octagonal? It's six-sided. No, that's sexagonal. No, it's octagonal. Oct is eight.

Oh, it is. Sept. Septagon. Yeah. No, that's five. Octagon. Test Oh, it is. Sept. Septagon. Yeah. No, that's five. Octagon. Testagon. Hotagon.

Mondagon. Tuesdaygon. Wednesdaygon. Thursdaygon. Octagon. Pentagon. Pentagon is five. Septagon.

Septagon. Decepticon. Transformers. I win. It's a six-sided rubber. Rubber. And it says neon. But the colour isn't very neon is it

No it's purple It's like a nice rich Royal purple I think they're going For neon colours But I don't think they had the means To actually make it proper neon Nice

How many items is that now One two three four five Two more to go Alright here is Spin it up boy Here's another item This is the part of the podcast Where when I'm editing it

I go fucking hell How much more of this is to go? Look, Paul. It's broken. This one's broken, so be careful with it. All right, I'll do my best. Was it bought broken or has it been broken since? You know what?

I took it off the shelf. It fell on the ground near the till and broke. And I was like, oh, man. I probably would have put it back. Oh, I see. So, yeah. All right. Okay, fair enough.

So, I'm handing it to you. There it is. Oh, I literally used to have this. You used to have it? I used to have this very same one. Back in the day, there was like, I can't remember what it was, like bargain house or bargain shop. And it was a little shop.

And it had like, you'd go in, it'd sell like, you know, kitchen stuff and gardening stuff. But usually towards the back, there was like a row of baskets. And one basket was all the kind of Star Wars toys that had been out for a couple of years so they were selling them for a quid a pop. Yeah. And basically, I got all the

Star Wars toys and all those action figures years later when they turned up in bargain shops. But there's always a bin of these, like a basket full of

like these cheap square, you know, Perspex toys with a puzzle in. And like, Perspex cube with a puzzle in. Sopex cube with a puzzle in.

So it's just a jiggle puzzle. It's a jiggle puzzle. Did you ever complete it? No, never. This is three buckets of different sizes and three marbles of different sizes. Well, they're more like ball bearings. Ball bearings, yeah. And you've got to get the right size ball bearing in the right size bucket.

And it is almost impossible without a certain amount of good luck. Yeah. So you just shake it and see if you can do it. And all it does is it means you play for a bit until your mum or your dad say, please put that fucking noisy shit down. Yeah, yeah. Because all it is is this. Oh!

Terrible. Okay, that's your item, Paul. Oh, I did it. Did you? No, I didn't. That would have been really funny, though, if I'd just gone like this. And then, yeah. Okay, that's your ice and ball. Oh, I did it. Did you? No, I didn't. That would have been really funny, though, if I'd just gone like this. And then, yeah.

Oh, almost. Actually, that was nearly almost. Yeah. Ah, fucked it. So what have you got to get? Get the big ball bearing in the big bucket, the medium bearing in the medium bucket, and the small bearing in the...

Oh, you're almost there, mate. Yeah, I know. It's just funny how I just randomly nearly got it all in. Oh, I've got the two. I've got two buckets completed there. I just had to flip that over there. In there, around there Yeah, I know. Just funny how I just randomly nearly got it all in. I've got two buckets completed there. I just had to flip that over there. In there, down there.

You fucked it. Right, that's the item. Shame it's a little bit broke, but okay. And here is another item. Oh, now I didn't have this one. That's a better one,

isn't it? It's another Perspex cube of the same size as the last. There's another puzzle. What's the point of this? Well, it's got a tilting platform.

It's got a yellow tilting platform with various holes in it and a bunch of ball bearings. And I think what you have to do is get all the ball bearings into all of the holes, if you see what I mean. As if teeter-totters on them. You've got to get four along there, as you've got that already. Then you get three along there, four along there, three along there, and then it's hard.

Oh, fuck that. Again, it's almost impossible. Hang on. I'm almost there, mate. Is he? You've just got to get them all on a... Oh, he's not doing too badly. Fuck! There you go, and now he's lost his temper.

Let's have a little go. I've got to move it over here, and I move it over here, and I move it over here, and that is done, and I move it up and down. It's not very... Now. Put the little ball bearings in the... I quite like the aesthetic of that one.

It's very 80s. It's got kind of a sort of 80s retro futurist sort of look, doesn't it? Well, these are very 80s toys. I mean, I saw these in the late 80s, early 90s. Like, for instance, there's a big basket full of fucking muscle men. Remember muscle men? Yeah. Muscle men I remember buying.

Got a bunch of pill kids figures there. I bought Madballs all the time from there. I even had the Madballs figures. There's some shop near where I grew up Morton Cross. Had like this little bargain shop on the high street. And you just used to go in and it was all full of shit. But the toy section always had, you know, brands that

had tried and failed. And so I had these Madball characters. So they're like, they're a little rubber madball head, but they fitted on bodies. So they were actually little action figures. But those are the ones

you could squeeze and the eyes go pop out. No, you push a little button on the back and the head pops off. Oh. Yeah. Next.

Oh, that's it? Oh, okay. That is the price of Shite's selection. Now, can I ask, what is the overall price bracket? I'll give you a window.

I'll give you something, but it won't be the exact price of all the items added together, okay? Yes. Now, let's just have a little. I'll give you something, but it won't be the exact price of all the items added together, okay? Yes. Now, let's just have a little recap. First item you had was the green hoop flat ball bearing puzzle. Yeah.

Then you had the Rubik's knockoff star puzzler. Just give me it, because I keep making banging noises when we're recording. Everyone likes that. I don't when I edit, and I have to take most of them out. People like the rustle and scrummage. No, out. People like the rustle and scrummage. No, they don't like the rustle and scrummage. They don't. They want the red hot wit and incisive comedy opinions of Mr. Silverman and Mr. Gannon on a weekly basis.

God, you really are in a bad mood today, aren't you? I'm not in a bad mood. I'm just saying. You are. You just want to say Willie Squiff Squiff Spotspoth or something. Listen, the character is going to come back at the end of the episode. There no queef huffer no there's no queef huffer that's the best thing that's the best thing we've come up with ever that's pathetic then that's pathetic you're pathetic for not being able to see true vision queef huffer queef huffer yeah that's the exact

same jingle used for all your characters. Right. So then we had the Rubik's Knockoff Star Puzzler, which was the octagonal. And then we had the Rubik's Clock. The Rubik's Clock. Then we had the Rubber Car and then the Rubber. Rubber Car, both made by Doms.

Doms. And then we finished with the two cubes. Two separate cubes. Now, just to remind you, Paul, if you can figure out which two items have the same price, Yeah. and you'd mean the obvious one to go for

is the two cubes, isn't it? Well, I know, yeah. But it could be the two rubbers as well, couldn't it? Yeah, I know. Or it could be any other two items. So that's an extra between available there.

What's your favourite item of the haul today, Paul? Clock. You like the Rubik's clock? I just have happy memories of having my Rubik's clock out fiddling with the knobs and whistles

and buttons and making it all say 12 o'clock. But again, I do have that criticism where it's not as playable with as his other stuff.

No. Do you know what I mean? Yes, I'm a fan. It's more of a puzzle. They're all puzzles, but it's more of a

sort of straight, and do you know what? Looking at it today, it really is sort of a forerunner of the sort of fancy puzzle boxes and things you get today. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? today it really is sort of a forerunner of the sort of

fancy puzzle boxes and things you get today yeah yeah yeah you know what I mean it's the same sort of technology like it's a it's a premier item

it's a little bit above got a brand on it nice also the logo does remind me of Countdown on Channel 4 is that what you like

the old the artwork's actually quite nice isn't it the colour you'll see all the items by the way on our website theche way, on our website, thecheapshow.co.uk. Thecheapshow.co.uk. But it's the momento di truffatiti.

And you need to tell me wee-wee. So you didn't tell me what the ballpark figure was. Oh, I'll give you a ballpark figure, Paul. Let me just pull this out of my arse. Here's your ballpark figure. Ballpark figure. Can't get better than a bullpup finger.

36 minutes, mate. Yay, yay. Oh, bullpup finger. I was just trying to think. Here's my paper. Yeah. All right. Bullpup finger.

Yes. £6.50. Didn't come to more than £6.50. Really? Let me just double check that. Didn't come to more than £6.50. You didn't come to more than £6.50. Really? Let me just double check that. Didn't come to more than £6.50. Right. Well, that's surprising because I only thought we were going to be talking like £9, £10.

Really? Why? With the clock in the good condition in the box. The clock's in good condition. So what would you say? That's the most expensive item today, Paul? I'd like to think so. Now, again, you can get a super bonus by getting them all in a row.

Yeah. From cheapest to... I'd like to put them out in a row on the table so you can see visually super bonus by getting them all in a row. Yeah. From cheapest to... I'd like to put them out in a row on the table so you can see visually what I'm doing here. Give me everything. I've got the two puzzles, I've got the star puzzle, I've got the map, I need that, I need the two rubbers. Right, here we go.

I think the cheapest was the rubbers. No, this cheapest. Okay. The ring green maze is cheapest. Okay. And I'm going to say... And that's your first item, so you're going to give me a price.

I'm going to say that is... I'll be writing them down. No cheating. I'm going to say 40p. 40p for the ring maze is the cheapest item. That's your final guess. Yeah. Now, the star puzzler was the cheapest item that's your final final guess yeah now the star puzzler

was the next item that I gave you that does not necessarily no no no no I'm not thinking about I'm going to say the rubbers come next I'm going to say

the rubber and these we're different prices I don't know I just need you to guess in the price I am I'm going to do the price now

alright I'm fucking figuring out the process talking out loud not only gets to read it I need the guesses from you in now. All right. I'm fucking figuring out the process. Talking out loud. Not only gets the reader insight into my thinking, but also helps me. I need the guesses from you in the order that I gave you the items. Yes, because I've got the prices written down here.

But then how am I meant to rank them? Rank them after you give me the prices. I'm ranking them now. It helps me judge the prices. And it doesn't take that much more of a difficulty from you to just put it down on your little precious notepad. All right. Come on, then.

So I think the rubbers are next, but I think it's that rubber, the purple one next, and that is, I'm going to say that's 75p. The neon eraser is 75p, you say? Then the car eraser, that comes next. I'm going to say that is, it's in a little box. I'm going to say that's a quid. And then I think it's...

I think these are the two prices for the same price. Right. You think both the Perspex boxes are the same price? I say that because if they were bought in a charity shop, why would they be differently priced? Right? They'd be the same price. Or they'd say, here's two for one.

And they'd give you... I paid separate prices for both of those. Really? Yes. From the same or different charity shops? Same charity shop. Oh that's wrong they fucking wronged it. No I'm just saying they were separate they could be the same price but they didn't come as an

item together. Well then they can't be the same the ones that I bought that are the same price then can I? Yes they can. No you just said they were different prices. You said... I said they were both separately priced. That's all. I didn't say they were different prices. I said they were separately priced. Don't get into fucking this shit with me.

50p. Oh my god, you've broken the bucket one. Oh, fuck. I didn't know that was... Oh, it's lost. It's gone forever. It's not. I'll figure it out. I'm gone. It's on the floor. The marbles are the ones I've saved, and that's the important shit. The bucket will be fine. Don't worry about it.

No, I've got to. Give me that candle. The candle's dripping wax all over the table now. It's going to hell. The podcast's collapsing. Come on. Oh, no. You've dropped the fucking Rubik's clock.

Where's the bucket? I don't know. You got it. He's got it. I've got the yellow bucket. I'm really worried about that candle. Thank you. Put my face in it, then've got the yellow bucket. I'm really worried about that candle. Thank you. Put my face in it then.

That one's fine. That one's out. It's fine. A little bit of drippage. Doesn't hurt anyone. Tell that to Leaky Ken. There you go. He's made a business from it.

A little bit of drippage. It looks like someone's spuffed in your trousers. It does. All right. All this delaying tactics isn't going to help you, Paul. You need to. It does. All right. All this delaying tactics isn't going to help you, Paul. You need to get guessing. All right.

Well, I'm going to say they're 50p each. Okay. What have you not guessed? One thing. Star Puzzler. And I haven't done the clock. Oh, and the clock.

Yeah. So I need to push the star puzzler. So hang on to that. That's 50p. That's 25. That's pounds. So let's just say it's I'm going to say this is £1.50

Star Puzzler £1.50 leaving me to suggest that the Rubik's clock was £2 £2 for the clock my order is thus cheapest Green Ring Maze next cheapest Purple Rubber.

Next cheapest, Doubley Doubley Double Cube Puzzles. Next more expensive, Rubber Car. Then Star Puzzler and the most expensive is Rubix. That is my final assessment, sir. I leave it to you to judge me accordingly. Okay, I will be.

But let me just say, before I go into the apportioning of the betwings for today's episode of The Price is Right, Paul, you've done very well. Very, very well. You said that last time, and then I got one betwing. Well, you did better than that.

Okay? You've done a lot better than that today. There was a lot of betwings. Can I win this little bit of droplet? You can have that little droplet of spoff-like wax, if you like. I shall treasure it. No, you won't.

I shall put it on my cheek, just here, like a milky tear. Milky tear. Milky tears. That could be a fucking 80s pop group. Ladies and gentlemen,

at number three, with their new track, She Won't Forgive Me, it's Milky Tears. Oh, I've got milky tears. Oh, is that the name of the band? This is shit, isn't it?

I'm going. We should have had this conversation offstage, Brian. And now, straight in? This is shit, isn't it? I'm going. We should have had this conversation offstage, Brian. And now, straight in, like a bullet, number three. Queef Harper with I Half Queef. Queef Harper. Queef Harper, yeah. Every fucking time.

Right. We're going to start with the cheapest item. Yes. Paul? Yes. The cheapest item was, as you guessed, the Green Ring Puzzle. Petwing. And you said it was.

Oh, no, it's not Petwing yet. You don't get Petwing. You haven't got Petwing yet. Don't fucking start counting your Petwings before they've hatched yet. Yeah. Don't count your Petwings before they've splashed. Yeah. Now, you are about to be awarded a Petwing, though, because you said it was 40p, the actual

price of the Green Ring's Puzzle. Unusual for a you said it was 40p. The actual price of the Green Rings puzzle, unusual for a London charity shop, was 30p. 30p. You don't usually see items less than 50p in a London charity shop. Well, I had a feeling about this, that it was an off price. There was something about it that just said it's not quite priced right. It wouldn't be 50p. It wouldn't be a pound. It's better than 25p.

It'd be a hard item to price, wouldn't it? So one between there. I'm glad I picked it up for 30p. Yeah. Then we go on to the Star Puzzler. Oh, that was the next one? No, this is just the order I've got it written down. Oh, okay.

So we're going to keep hold of all of this. Right. You said £1.50. The Star Puzzler was a very reasonable pound. Oh. No per twings there. No per twings there. Now let's look at the Rubik's Clock.

Yes. The Rubik's Clock, nice, almost mint on card. Lovely item. Insert included. Yeah mint on card. Insert included. Yeah, lovely item. Insert included. Very nice item. You said £2. Uh-huh.

I paid for that. Yeah. Maybe it's a bit over the odds. £2.50. Oh. It was £2.50. No betweens there for. That was my first guess, unfortunately, as well.

No, you've had a little dry patch now with no betweens since the first item. No. But get ready, because the betweens are going to be flopping on your wind sail like a big pair of nuggets. Right. That made no sense. I know, but it had a ring to it. It did. It did.

It had a certain amount of flow. Cube puzzles. Both same price. Betwing. Well done. Excellent. That's an extra betwing. Both got the same price.

Do you know how much the price was? Go on. You said 50p each. Yeah. Our's an extra per twing. You've both got the same price. Do you know how much the price was? Go on. You said 50p each. Yeah. Our survey said 50p each. Oh, that's a per twing, per twing. That you've just scored five per twings. It's a five per twing moment.

I'm very proud. That is. Shall I just give it to them originally? I'd like to thank the Academy. We're going to ask Mr. Inchman to award you the per twings. No, I don't know. I'm not doing the podcast. Right. No, I'm just, how many do you want?

How many betwings? Listen, my hand's got to work. I'm going to put bread on the table. Betwing, betwing, betwing, betwing, betwing, betwing. Right, I'm off. Thanks, Eli. I also don't want him coming back for any extra betwings that happen. Come in, Paul, come back.

I've not figured out your mind games. We've added that to betwing you got for getting within 25p on the first one. I've got six per twings. Six per twings, can you imagine? Yeah, I am. You're bounteous. Yeah, what's next? So those were the same price, they were 50p each.

Right, so now we've just got the rubbers. Okay, the rubbers were different prices. Well done for discerning that. Yes, thank you. The neon eraser, you said 75p. I did. discerning that. Yes, thank you. The neon eraser. Yeah. You said 75p. I did.

Oh, you're just outside the patwing zone. It was 59p. How are you? 60. No, you got a patwing for that. Excellent run of twing. I'm on seven patwings. Fuck me. This is fucking great.

I'm humbled. I'm humbled and gracious. And now we go to my favourite item probably today, which is the car. Little car eraser. Dom's car eraser. Nice that, because it goes with my other one. Yeah. And also I've got erasers in the shape of shoes.

And food. And food. You said... Yeah. One pound. I did for the car. You are just outside the between zone on that one. It was one pound 29.

Oh, ruggle me boggles. Four pence outside the between zone. What a strange price. Yeah, that's why I thought they were going to be good for the game because they've got those 29. So I've done all right there. So what order is it in again, Matt? So the cheapest item was the green rings at 30p.

Then the cubes. Star puzzler. Oh, the cubes. Yeah. Then the neon eraser. Yeah. Then the star puzzler. Oh, okay. And then the car. And then Rubik's. And then the Rubon Eraser then the Star Puzzler and then the car

and then Rubik's so you didn't get the three bonus Petwings there but you had a good crack at it so we just recap how many Petwings did you get? I believe I got seven Petwings so that is Petwing Petwing Petwing Petwing Petwing

here's the cherry on the top Petwing it's been a night of Petwings, ladies and gentlemen. Well done. In a honest and fair and just and well-structured... No muffing around. See? Oh, no.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. And look, if you're careful, I've put the balls in the bucket. So if you leave it... Oh, you've cheated at it. So you can say to people, I've done it.

Ah! And they won't know because they won't know if it's sealed or not. On this one, the bucket challenge. Look, there's some markings. Like there used to be some other sort of marking there. Can you see that? Yeah. I think that's just the way the plastic's been moulded, mate.

I like those things. They are nice. Is it because they're nostalgic for me? So all of those puzzles were all in one tranche in a charity shop. I love it when you go into a charity shop and you can sort of almost discern

someone's... Well, you know what I say. The remnant of someone's collection or someone's peccadillo for something. Do you know what I mean? Well, here's my opinion. Like, you go in

and there's loads of frogs and there's also, like, a frog tea towel. Yeah. And there's, you know what I mean? There's obviously some guy who likes puzzles. Valerie, there's a bunch of

frogs things I'll put them together on one shelf that will shift them for any frog fans out there there are frog fans but you know what

my theory is the more disorganised a charity shop is the more interesting the items within it because you go into some like shelter and they make it

kind of feel like you're walking into a kind of cheap showroom I don't like that or like some of them like Oxfam do that now as well. I mean, they'll get along.

They all have all these sort of products that aren't secondhand. No, but that's fine because of the brand. And I get that, that they want to kind of look good on the high street. But at the same time, all I'm saying is, regardless of the quality of those shops,

I tend to find the more interesting stuff in the weird bric-a-brac-y charity shops. It's more towards the flea market bric-a-brac. You know the one in Cambridge you used to love going to? The one that was just over the bridge? That was great, yeah. Full of fucking mad shit. weird bric-a-brac-y charity shop it's more towards the flea market bric-a-brac end of the scale in Cambridge used to love going to that was just over the bridge

full of fucking mad shit every week cards and toys my favourite round here I think is where I got the eggs the timey eggs

which is the hospice one up the road bit more ramshackle bit more ramshackle it's all about turnover though isn't it really with those yeah

but also when stuff doesn't sell, they ship it. Stop turnover, I mean. They ship it to another charity shop, don't they? Yeah, because my father has recently started working in an Oxfam, volunteering in an Oxfam. He told me their books, it's a specialist book one. Yeah. He said they get books in and they literally donate them to other charities. If they don't want to sell them, they're not good enough for them.

Like the quality's not good. Other charities will take them. want to sell them they're not good enough for them other charities will take them yeah I guess they will so there's a whole sort of hierarchy in food chain in the charity shop

so Oxfam are like you take this shit we don't want it you fuck off you get our sloppy second basically or third or fourth

actually exactly so yeah there is a hierarchy there well there you go I didn't know that but there you go it goes to show

it feels like someone spuffed into my beard and it's dried well you know how to get it out at least I know what that's like now you don't I'll spuff in it right now I didn't know that. But there you go. It goes to show. It feels like someone's spuffed into my beard and it's dried. Well, you know how to get it out. At least I know what that's like now. You don't. I'll spuff in it right now. I don't want you to.

Do you want to do an off-brand brand off of my spuff and that? And what? And that sour, chewy liquid. Be much stickier. Off-brand brand off. Off-brand brand off. Off-brand off. I don't know.

Just. Paul, everything you've tried this week. It's been awful. It really has. I'm sorry. I didn't want it. I don't want you to be bad,'t know. Paul, everything you've tried this week, it really has. I'm sorry. I didn't want it. I don't want you to be bad, you know, because it hurts both of us when you're so shit.

I'm sorry. Why have you? It's fine. You can rectify it in the edit. Yeah. I have been a longstanding servant of Cheap Show for the past five years, but due to recent developments,

I feel I cannot perform my duties to the ability of which you demand. I therefore'm stepping down from my duties on cheap show as of immediate effect i can only apologize to those i've hurt and pray that i can do my best to atone for the things that i have done to let the side down in the production weekly of this podcast i'd like to apologize to my co-host Eli that's okay letting him down and for being an unfunny cunt it just

this week you've had some blocks you know all I want to say is thank you for supporting me through the difficult time but I don't feel I can carry on as of next

week Paul Rose will be taking over the role of cheap show and you can do the little fucking editing I have a nice long cry for a fortnight Jesus Christ and then get all

jealous and stomp back in and say this is my show you have to write your book mate do you want to plug that yeah

we'll do it in a bit when we're doing the wrap up because right now I'm having a moment I need a hug mate alright after no touching during

the broadcast come on no touching during broadcast it might be what. No touching during broadcast. It might be what I need. I don't care what you need. Right. What a great friend you are.

I'm glad you did it then because I was recording. Oh, don't. So guess what this episode is going to end with? No. A loud, protracted, reverb-filled, echoey fart. Oh no! Oh no! I can feel it in my teeth.

Why'd you do it? I didn't! I'm so vulnerable today and you did that? Come on, mate. Let's wrap this show up. I'm so vulnerable today and you just just... All you've done is fart near or right close to me. Stop it!

I don't want to be known as the farter! Then maybe control your bowels. You could control the edit! No, I do that. I intentionally leave it in to prevent you from doing it further when we're recording. Nothing can stop me. Yeah, you're right. So just don't embarrass me.

Just huff up my... Suck up my huff. Wow. Huff up my suck. Queef huffer. Here I come. I'm just going to let him struggle now for a bit. Here I come.

What seems to be the problem here, madam? I hate already where this is going to go. What's the problem, lady? I've got uncontrollable queefage. Aha! You know nothing about female bodies, do you? You just know nothing. What?

You know nothing about... Are you telling me uncontrollable queefage is not a thing that ever affected anyone? I don't know. To be fair, I don't know. So you shut up! I just don't know if, like... I'm doing this fucking sketch. Uncontrollable.

I hate this so much. Don't worry. Thank God I've stepped down from this podcast. He's American. If your accent's good enough, you shouldn't have to tell them. It's like when a bad impressionist comes out on stage on a TV show and goes, Right. Oh, Betty, I'm Frank Spencer.

Oh. You know, it's like that. Don't worry, darling. I'll huff that queef right up. Mm. Right. Queef-upper! That's it.

No, right. So, okay. So, let's think. He's not much of a superhero because nothing he does is super or heroic. He can have queefs. No, but how does that save the day? Lex Luthor's got a death ray.

She had uncontrollable queefage and he's huffing up. Lex Luthor's got a death ray. How is that not saving the day? Lex Luthor's got a death ray. He's pointed at an orphanage. And meanwhile, your superhero has got his head between a lady's legs. Lex Luthor is a supervillain. And inhaling her queef gas.

Lex Luthor is a supervillain. Yeah inhaling her queef gas. Lex Luthor is a supervillain. Yeah, but how does the man huffing queefs help prevent Lex Luthor do his evil bidding? Well, let's play it out. Oh, I'm Lex Luthor, and I've got a death rate pointed at Gotham orphanage. And if I don't get 20 million pounds and Batman to show up

and Superman to show up and fight, I will kill all the orphans. Hello, who is this? I'm Queef Hoffa. Bang, dead. I just shot you right in the fucking face. Bang, bang, bang. I've got queef protection.

Yeah? Does a queef protect you from a bullet? Bang, bang, bang, you're dead. I've saved magical queefs over the years and one of them is a protection queef. Right. I was wearing my protection queef. What does that do? It stops bullets.

How? By being a magic queef. Where does the queef come from? A magic lady's vagina. You absorb them all. The magic lady's vagina from an alien world. Do you ever listen back to the podcast? I've got a whole set of queefs with different abilities. Come on, Lex. You absorb them all. The magic lady's vagina from an alien world. Do you ever listen back to the podcast? I've got a whole set of queefs with different abilities.

Come on, Lex. What else you got? I've changed the accent of this character. Yeah, I know. What else you got? There's my queef shield. Anything else you can throw at me? I've got a queef for that.

I've got a magic queef in my bag-o-queef. That's good. He's got a fucking utility belt thing. Bag-o-queef. That's good. He's got a fucking utility belt thing. Bag-o-queef. So he's got a belt of vaginas around his waist. Each one with a particular queef in that he can use. They're not vaginas. They're just bags holding queefs.

Are they poultices? Bag-o-queef. Right. In the time you've explained this, I, Lex Luthor have killed the orphanage I don't care now come at me Luthor bang bang bang you're dead

I use a different gun that has queef queef piercing bullets queef piercing bullets I love it yeah I'm dead now yeah there you go

like at your kryptonite I found bullets that can pierce queefs yeah he's dead now yeah so there you go awful superhero and is it does Inchman want to turn up

while he's here? Inchman's got lots of things to do. He's busy. I'm just saying, I'm Lex Luthor. I can take him all on. Lex Luthor is not Jimmy Biscuits. I can't do accents, mate. I'm Lex Luthor and I come from

the West Country. West Country Lex Luthor. I'm Lexi Luthor and I've got a proper Country. West Country Lex Luthor. I'm Lexi Luthor and I've got a proper cider. I've tainted the cider. Oh. I've tainted the cider with my own special grippage. You complain about

Queef Huffer. At least he's not just a rehash of Grumbly. Yeah. Yeah, I know. Shall we wrap this show up now? Oh yeah, we can talk for five minutes.

Right, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us for another episode through Cheap Show land. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you genuinely for joining us through another episode of Cheap Show. If you support us on Patreon, thank you very much. And if you're interested in maybe joining those lovely people, you can go to patreon.com

forward slash cheap show and donate whatever you like but whatever you like we'll get you a few extra treats extra free stuff

and I'm in talks to venues I'm in talks to venues we'll have a very exciting live show this year and patreon people will get discounts

for tickets and early access to tickets when they go live for the live show which will be early September and it's London

it will be London it is London but we're looking at quite a central easy to get to location and I hope it has access

for disabled access and seating we're going to look into that we're going to look into that because we want as many as you to come as possible and we think we found

a really nice little venue so more on that as it comes but Patreon people will get the exclusive ticket access and a discount. Isn't that exciting?

If you want to follow us on Twitter, it's at The Cheap Show Pod. I'm at Paul Gannon Show. Eli is? Eli Snoid. E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D is the spelling. And you can also join me and sometimes Eli on Digitizer every Thursday on YouTube. Check out Digitizer. For more wacky adventures.

It's more structured and less rude, would you say? You still swear a lot. Did I? Yeah. You have quite a lot. Did I? Yeah. Quite a lot of F-bombs coming out of your mouth. What? Are you my mum or something?

No. You wish you were though. No, I don't. You do. You imagine it. You imagine it, don't you? No, I don't. You imagine it

in a totally non-sexual but kind of still perverted way. Right. So if you want to email us about anything, you can at thecheapshowpod. I'm Eli's mother.

Imagine I was Eli's mother. Thecheapshow at gmail.com. I've made him breakfast. We're also on Facebook and Tumblr. I fixed you your toast like you like it, Eli. Instagram, look for cheapshowpod. I fixed you your Weetabix, Eli. God, are you going to have just this fucking, your own...

I'm Eli's mother. Paulina. Paula, sorry. Paulina's a ridiculous... Just stop. Because it's highly unsettling. Come on, mate. Right.

Is there anything else we need to mention? No, we've got the live show, Patreon. Yeah. Thanks for listening. Yeah. We love you. We hope you've enjoyed the show. Pictures are available on the website.

Thecheapshow.co.uk. But that's about it. Thank you for supporting us. Thank you for following us. Arse. I follow arse. That's it, I'm done. My brain not working.

My brain not working. Brainy, brainy, not working. I've done all right. I think you should press it. I'm going to press it. No, not that one. The one above. Jesus Christ.

Press the top. The one that has stop on it. You fucking idiot. Was that the erase the whole episode one? Yeah, that was the it would have stopped and deleted above. Oh, Jesus Christ. Press the top. Are you ready? Stop on it, you fucking idiot. Was that the erase the whole episode one? Yeah, that was the it would have stopped and deleted it. Oh, shit. Really? You twat.

Right. This one, I've got my finger on. Yeah, press that now. Bye.