CheapShow - Ep 169: Frothtopia

Episode Date: March 13, 2020

There are strange things afoot in the HoP this week! Paul & Eli focus carefully on the economy comedy content... By talking about how to get rid of a dead body, the practicalities of cannibalism and the fact that Paul may be seriously considering starting up a cult (just as long as he doesn't give away the final destination for all of his followers)! What exactly is Frothtopia? Eventually, the cheap chaps get back on track and deliver a retro video games based edition of The Price of Shite and a thoroughly interesting biscuit based edition of Off Brand/Brand Off. It's choc-tastic! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-169-frothtopia If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow CheapShow Awards: Vote Here: www.tinyurl.com/cca2020nominate Paul is writing a book! Want to help make it happen? https://unbound.com/books/ghosts/

Now on Cheap Show, Eli Silverman's going to make an apology. Why? What? We had a few complaints about the character you came up with last week called, and I quote, Queefhofer. I have no regrets. You fucking should have all the regrets possible. We've had numerous complaints.

You crossed a line. No. Severed fannies on a belt. That was your idea. I believe that was your idea. No. You had this weird idea about putting your head uninvited into the thighs of ladies. No.

Absorbing their queef gas. You're distorting this. No, I don't know. I don't know. All the queef donors are willing to collaborate. Queef donors? Yes. Do they carry a card?

They are. I, Angelus Farquhar. They are my colleagues in the Queef Huffer organisation. It could be Queef Huffer's just a role that Queef Huffer plays at the moment. The particular Queef Huffer. He's called Mr Planet. I still want you to apologise for that fucking character. No, you apologise for insinuating that he had somehow severed vaginas in his utility belt. And I made it clear

in the episode that the utility belt worn by Queef Huffer, the bag-o-queef, is simply containment units on a utility belt holding queefs of different supernatural abilities. And I want you to know that I

invented the severed vagina. Yes, I know. You did. To make it feel like you did it. And then people complain to you about it. So who's apologising? You. You are. And Inchman. No one like that as well.

Inchman, Queefoffer, you're worst. You're absolute worst. Well, there's a lot more where that came from. Yeah, I know. Welcome to Cheap Show. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept.

Cheap Show. Off-brand, brand-off, off-brand, brand-off Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap Cheap Show It's the price of shite Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheat Show And I go and I nuzzle

Queef Huffer might make a comeback If Queef Huffer makes a comeback I'm walking out You're walking out He's always walking out I'll walk out of this building Two to three hours after you make that comment Alright Yes, at one point you's always walking out. I'll walk out of this building two to three hours after you make that comment. Alright? Yes, at one point

you will be walking out. At one point I'll be leaving this establishment. Paul, we had Rubik's Cubes on the last episode, I believe, and I've found my miniature Rubik's snake, and that's not a euphemism. I think we've used this on the show before, haven't we? Yeah, it's a good thing, isn't it? It's not a Rubik's snake, though, is it? Yes, it is.

Did you see Jaws19, though, on Twitter? What? He had a Rubik's Circles, or whatever it's not a rubik's snake though is it yes it is do you see jaws 19 though on twitter what he had a rubik's circles or whatever it's called rubik's magic magic and he did that that's the way that was the technique that i um was talking about it was a twist did you see that twist it was a pretty fly move it's a three i used to know how to do that oh well look at you it was a three second i'd like to get hold of a magic actually i'm sure they're there of course but i'd like to find one you know magic, actually. I'm sure they're there. Of course. But I'd like to find one, you know, in a charity shop. Yeah, in the wild, as I like to say. That's a good expression.

So welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast where Eli Silverman and Paul Gannon go through the charity shops, the bargain bins, the thrift stores, the boot sales, and beyond of Great Britain, and come back with our findings. Do we ever just go through bins? We should do bins. Well, the thing is, though, there was a story.

Was it on the last podcast on the left where there was a body found because a woman used to go dumpster diving in america and one day she fell in and banged her head and then she was non-conscious as they dumped it all into the machine that crumbled it all up it's surprising how many uh sort of serial killers over the years just decided just to cut up their victim and put them in bin bags and leave them out. Just leave them out for the bin men. Rotten meat, isn't it? But to be fair,

it's a good idea, isn't it? Is it? Well, I thought the best idea is just burn it. Burn it. Just burn it. Watch it go up in flames and just think,

yeah, you're burned. I don't know. That's how you get rid of it, isn't it? But you actually need a very hot oven, don't you? You couldn't just do it in your oven at home. No, you couldn't.

It could chop it. No, it would just take too long. Your options are chop up, bath of acid, eat. They're your options, aren't they, really? Eat is not on the table for me, literally. What if you had crash-landed in the Alps, a la the film Alive... Are you asking me if I would eat human flesh

in a survival do-or-die situation? Yeah. You mean you were in a plane, it goes down, and my body does not, unfortunately... I'd be chomping right down. I'd turn your face over and feel it, you. That sounds like a fucking euphemism for sex. Oh, I'd flip you over and feel it, yeah.

It all sounds like a euphemism for sex. It's after flip you over and feel it. It all sounds like a euphemism. It affects after a while, doesn't it? It does, yeah. So I'd happily give my body up if it helped you survive. Well, likewise, Paul. Honestly, because of whatever my religious beliefs or lack of, I actually don't give a shit what happens to me after I die because I'll be dead.

I don't know, though. People say that. I like people to say nice things. I don't know, though. People say that. I like people to say nice things. I don't know. I've experienced. There's no way I'll experience anything ever again. But you say that, but even though your body's dead and you're quite right,

it's a useless piece of organic material now, right? You don't just want it left in the road. You know what I mean? Or like something scrawled on the face, knobbing. Or someone swings it. Yeah, there's undignified ways where I prefer not to. Let you hang on the telephone lines.

The point is, Paul, what I'm trying to say is in a deep way, you will never know what the fuck happens to your body after you die. No, that's true. Anything could happen.

Yeah, so just deciding on one thing. Are you licking your lips? Get a bit hungry. I'm looking at what I could eat. Oh, God, Paul. Actually, I could live inside you like a Tauntaun, couldn't I? If I got cold in the house. Like a Tauntaun?

Yeah. What's a Tauntaun? It's the thing Han Solo sleeps in. Or he puts Luke Skywalker in Empire. Oh, right, in the guts, in the warm guts. I thought they smelled bad on the inside, outside. Inside, outside. I can't fucking quote movies.

I just can't. You can't do much. No. No. Anyway, this week on Cheap Show, we're going to be doing... Oh, I forgot to say. Oh. What's coming up on the show, Paul?

Well, on this week's Economy Comedy Podcast, we are going to be playing around... Well, let's just say playing. It's not really playing, is it? It's an evaluation, a scientific method. It's off-brand brand-off. That's where we do a blind taste test with a branded item, well-known branded item. Yes. And then with the knock-off item, usually from a discount supermarket.

Yes, and we'll be not only judging if you can tell the difference, but which one's preferable, which one on a budget would you just happily settle for if need be. Because we've often said that. Paul, can I just stop you there? Oh, why do you have a fucking... Paul, you always say, and we'll tell you which one's the best value for money, but at the end of the day, you just go,

look, that one's cheap. Just get the cheap one. You'll be saving money. That's your advice always. In some instances. In all instances. No, not in all instances. That's all you ever fucking say.

Oh, get the cheap one. And when I go, the cheap one tastes like shit. This barely even resembles the item. We've never had that moment. And you go, well, at the end of the day, buy the cheap one

because it's cheaper. You fucking can. Don't be pointing your finger at me end of the fucking day mate what I'm using your mic oh look he's doing an Aerosmith

and using my mic at the same time ow love on an elevator it's really rock and roll that good technique Paul let's do the podcast on one mic

come on let's do the podcast on one mic like an Aerosmith Paul get over to your side of the room I forgot why I got up to be honest

I was going to tell you to threaten me yes and point the finger. I'm still pointing it. Right, so my point is, there have been a few cases where I've been like, see those knock-off hula hoops? They're barely different from the main brand.

If it's 20p less, why as well? Hula hoop's basically a hula hoop, no matter what walkers might want to try and tell you. No, but, you know, this is the interesting thing. Like, recently I went to, it might have been Sainsbury's, and got their knock-off shreddies, right? The malted interesting thing. Like, recently I went to, I might have been Sainsbury's, and got their knock-off Shreddies, right? The malted wheats. Yeah, yeah. And you cannot tell the difference.

And the price difference is a pound. Yeah. You know. But weirdly, though, if there's a knock-off Frosties, you do know the difference. That sugar makes the difference. Well, it's probably something. Yeah, it's hard to know why.

So anyway, we're doing a biscuits editionuits edition of Off-Brand Brand Off. Off-Brand Brand Off Biscuits edition today. And also, we're going to go back to Price of Shite. And it's my turn today. And I will say this. There is a theme. Okay. And I'm going to give you a clue to the theme today.

Wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-bleh-bleh-bleh. Hmm. Sounds like a police car? Oh. How utterly wrong of you to guess. Do you want to try again? Yeah. Go on. I'll do the sound again. Yeah, you do the sound. Wee-wee-wee-wee-bleh-bleh. It's the computer game sound.

Oh. He's getting close, ladies and gentlemen. But how close? Well, let's find out in a moment. However, first, I believe Eli... What? I'm trying to do the show nice and slick this week. I don't know why.

You're funny. It's funny. We haven't mentioned Sponget. Look, I was really depressed and angry last week, and I'm trying to do the show nice and slick this week. I don't know why. You're funny. It's funny. We haven't mentioned Spongify. Look, I was really depressed and angry last week, and I'm trying to be a bit more buoyant. I've had to cut out a lot of mummy issues. Let's not bring that up. Remember when I cried and you looked after me?

Yes. Now, right at the end of the episode, Paul... Yes. Yeah, Queen Fluffer came back and again... I pretended to be... Some complaints. You pretended to be my surrogate mother, Paulina. Right.

First of all, I didn't. You put that upon me. And then you called me Pauline and then went... Whatever. You can be Paula or Paulina. I don't want to be in the instance of me being your mother. You could put vegetables in ovens what about this you want me to dress up what's a vegetable what's a very flat vegetable flat

vegetable yeah there are no flat vegetables the closest i would hazard to guess is maybe you know like uh peas in a pod they're all round about oh good nice Not peas in a pod. What? Mange 2. Mange 2. They're flat. Okay. Aren't they? They're flat little, flat little things. It's the flattest I can think of. That is easily the flattest thing. Right.

You, dressed up as your mum, putting mange 2. Hang on. Dressed up as my mum? Oh, my surrogate mum, Paulina. I don't care about the look. I really do. Just have an apron on. I haven't.

Just an apron on. As long as you have an apron on, putting, tastefully putting. Can I have a straw hat on with flowers in it? Yeah. And I'm a bit dodgy and I go, oh,

Mr. Silverman. Oh, bod. Oh, cheeky boy. Have you wiped your bod? No.

She's got the same voice as mad and plop plops. That's really putting me off. Again, do I have to raise the fact that we are

limited in what we do with our vocal? I was hoping for a better voice, but anyway silently pretend to no

silently that's better actually yeah I'm gonna put this fucking straight in the toaster like that I'm gonna push it down

right that's the end of the fantasy for me I mean I've come 20 seconds earlier so the minute it's entered you don't have to cook

the thing it's placing it it's. You don't have to cook the thing. It's placing it. It's the placing in it. So, could I theoretically just use fake vegetables and fake oven? Absolutely not. Anyway, you're doing well at being slick. What was I going to say? Something...

I was going to ask you for a Tales from the Dance Floor because apparently you had one. I do have a Tales from the Dance Floor, but I'm willing to I do have a Tales from the Dance Floor. But I'm willing to forgo it and just move on with the show. No, no, no, Paul. Go on. Now it's time for Tales from the Dance Floor. Tales from the Dance Floor. A segment by Eli J

Silverman. Thank you. Now, the other day, Paul, I was DJing and you know, just... I'm not going to interrupt. I passed this one moment both these things happened at the last set of the night right at the

two o'clock in the morning to three o'clock now at this point of the night you're at the blues kitchen it's two in the morning has the last band

just finished and you're in your kind of they finished it too yes and this is you now doing the wrap up kind of

it's an hour now you know bit of a beat and then you slow it down and everyone fucks off you've got to get a beat up for you at first because you don't want

them fucking off immediately. You want that for the last half hour. You put the slower ones on then. Yes, I do. Yeah. Anyway, some guy comes over to me, shows me a phone with a song on called Freak Flag. Okay. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. And then he went, any chance of this? Freak Flag. Yeah. All right. And he said, this is what I've started to notice. They're starting to try and back up their choice by saying how it would be good for the atmosphere.

So he literally said, oh, it would really fit in with the atmosphere. So it's like they're trying to... Tell me what he looks like. He was tall, sort of like with a classically good looking with a sort of... You know what I've just thought of? What? You're making all these fucking stories up. No. Not a single one of these are true. They're true, man.

I've just realised this is all be nonsense. I bet you don't even DJ, do you? I do. I bet you don't. I bet it's like you go out with your records at night and go, bye Rogan, slam the door. Then you go and live under a bridge for a few hours drinking and you come home drunk. Paul, that is so

insulting. What? I bet you don't even wipe your ass mate you just use perfume i never wipe it so it marks the smell but in fact it's just like it's huge increasing skiddy like this huge wedge of skiddy yeah all going on and then once it's thick enough it just naturally drops off like shingles. You're turning into Madame Plop Plops. No, it just kind of breaks off.

But luckily, it's because of my hairy legs. It doesn't break off. It's ingrained into your underpants material. No, it kind of breaks. No, it breaks off because it's stuck

to my hairy arse cheek. You're talking about a winnet. Oh, I don't want to talk about this. I just don't want to talk about this. I know, but stop going with it when I said that. You should have stopped that in his tracks. I know, well, stop going with it. When I said that,

you should have stopped that in his tracks. So, he says, what did he say? He said he started to back it up with a comment. He said, go well with the atmosphere.

Do you know what the song sounds like? I have no idea. You should have said to him, mate, can you, how does it go like? I was dumbfounded. I just went,

I don't have it. I'm not going to play it. And he went, no, no, it's fine. It's fine. Fine. No, it's fine. Fine. No, really, I'll go. It's fine. He was like, I don't mind if you don't have it,'m not gonna play it yeah and he went no no it's fine it's fine fine no it's fine fine

no really i'll go it's fine he's like i don't mind if you don't have it but could you it's like don't fucking even ask then do not even ask if you think oh i don't care if they say no just accept it it's gonna be fucking no yeah you could do it's gonna be no yeah mate do you know what you could do right so they caught you and you go mate have you got this song on grab the phone smash the phone no go alright yeah yeah yeah

I'll plug it into my desk and play it later anyway you just leave before he comes back for the end of the night you can make up a little bag of phones

no one would leave the phone but that would be quite a good way to put them off oh yeah just give me your phone I'll play it next run and just take the phone

and then he just stays there and then when he comes back he goes it's my phone you go mate I just give me your phone. Yeah. I'll play it next run. And then it just stays there. Yeah. And then when he comes back, he goes, it's my phone. You go, hmm? May I call you to your phone? And you go,

what? No. We can't play phones here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But why'd you take it? Well, no, I wouldn't have taken it because it'd be excellent.

Anyway. It sure wasn't my twin. Evil McSilverman. He's slightly more overweight. Yeah. My naughty twin sometimes comes in. Oh, mate, I can't help overweight. Yeah. Minority twins sometimes comes in, oh, mate, I can't help you. Yeah, I can't control it.

You see that sign there that says, unfortunately, this venue cannot look after the property that you leave, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, I'm sorry. That would be good. Then a young lady came up later. Yeah. And she almost totally touched the record.

So I was like, could you get your hands off the record? Yeah, but you keep them down the back, don't you? No, the player, the turntable. Oh, God. And then she was like, I didn't touch it. I wasn't going to touch it. Already we're off to a bad start. We are not in a good start.

When she tries to finger your seven inches. Yeah, and then it's like, whoa. Get off my seven inches. And then she said, can you play Candy? Now, this is one of those ones. I like Candy. Nah, nah, nah, nah. No. It one of those ones. I like candy. Na, na, na, na. No.

It's not that one. By Cameo. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Candy. Candy. Meow. Meow.

Meow. Charlie says. Meow. Meow. Which they all do a special dance to. There's a special dance. As in there's an understood dance around the world. There's a special dance. As in, there's an understood dance around the world

about that song. There's a special dance like Wigfield Saturday Night. I've never heard of this. I don't know where it originates. I don't know where it comes from, but there is one associated with that song.

Why that song? It's not like the biggest hit. Was it in a movie or something? I think it must have been in a movie. Like Mean Girls or Check It Out.

I think it was something like that, yes. A cheerleader film. I think it was reasonably recent. Okay. And was something like that, yes. A cheerleader film. I think it was reasonably recent. Okay. And I said no. Fair enough.

And she went, can you play Candy? Again. It's starting to really annoy me now. I'm like, no. I said no. They don't have it. And then I said, yeah, I don't have it. And she said, yes, you do.

Oh, dear. Yes, you do. Why? Because she thinks you're still running it off a computer with a million tracks on i don't know what's what on earth she thinks well what the point have you ever used that in an argument she said i was being aggressive that's probably true though i said i'm not not being aggressive i don't have it what can i help you with i'm not being aggressive so there was that there was the tells from the from the dance floor

but the other thing I wanted to ask about maybe throw this out to the audience is why is Jocelyn Brown's Somebody Else's Guy

now people asking for it all over the place Somebody Else's Guy what was that in recently like that's not that song

isn't it is it an old song something like that is it an old song relatively it's like 90s or mid 80s somebody else's guy somebody else's guy it's 80s i think it's early 80s i'm not sure who

fucking knows it might have been in one episode i just want to know i want to know because usually when that happens when loads of people started asking for desposito a couple of years ago for example yeah why because it was a new song with justin bieber on it yeah but it's not the same as like in the 80s when the advert came out of uh what was it wrigley's gum it was a new song with Justin Bieber on it. Yeah, but it's not the same as like in the 80s when the advert came out of, what was it, Wrigley's Gum and it was like, heard it through the grapevine or whatever. No, whatever that, no, Levi James, wasn't it? Yes.

Heard it through the grapevine and then that became huge and the song got to number one again or whatever it was. Yes, that happened a lot in the 80s, didn't it? Yeah, and what was the other one? Ba-ba-ba-da-ba-ba. Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na. Etta James. I don't need no one to comb my hair

I like you to sit in a chair because all I want to do is watch TV extenders is on and then I'm gonna go for a pee this almost like she's back from the dead

and in this room Etta James alright first story four out of ten second story five out of ten make love to you or something isn't it I just want to make love to you.

So I want to know, Jocelyn Brown, somebody else's guy. Yeah, get in touch with us at thecheapshowpod, at Eli Snowde, at Paul Gannon Show on Twitter, or email, but that might be a bit too much of an effort. It's hard not to be slightly aggressive when someone's trying to break your record player and then won't, literally won't accept a fact that

you've stated to them. What am I doing? What am I doing right now? You're pushing your fingers together? Right. What am I doing? Holding my fingers up? You're holding two fingers up? Right. You're putting them into your ears? Yeah. I don't care about the rest of this story and your excuses. There is no rest of this story. What? Fuck you. What? Fuck you. I'm going to walk out. I can't. Oh the rest of this story and your excuses. There is no rest of this story. What? Fuck you.

What? Fuck you. I'm going to walk out. I can't. Oh, you can't hear? I can't. No. What's going on?

What did you say? I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this. Why am I sweating? Because you're fat and out of shape, you big cunt. Oh, fuck you. Right. Can we get on with the show?

What was it? Yeah. Okay. Fine. Right. Right. Are we ready? It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite.

It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. And that's right. There we go. Right in, right in, right in. And that's right. It's the game. Oh, well done.

Well done. I got excited and I knocked things over. This is the game we go. Right in, right in, right in. That's right. It's the game. Oh, well done. Well done. I got excited and I knocked things over. This is the game we play. No. I am not a dog. You can't shock me into stopping. Bad boy. This is the game we play, Paul.

Yeah. Sometimes other people play it with us. Sometimes it's been known to happen where other people have played the game. Where certain items of shite, i.e. not real shite. No. Tat. Tat. The total of tat. Tat items. Things. Tat items.

Charity shop finds, poundland finds, discount store finds. Often they are aesthetically shitty. But sometimes we like to find unusual things. Nice stuff. That could be a... I've got yo-yo strings. I've got yo-yo strings. That's just an example of a nice thing.

Yeah. I've got Alessi eggs. You should go to a doctor about that, shouldn't you? Yeah. Ho, ho, ho. No, no, no. No, no, no, Paul, no. Right.

And then we guess the price of the shite. Yeah. And we do. And here's how the scoring works. If you're exactly on the nose with the price, why? You get... One point. One point.

And that translates... A point. A point. A point. And that translates into what? A pity, pity, pity, patwingy. A pity patwingy. Pity patwingy.

Yeah, a pity patwingy. But, however, if you're close but not quite there... Not quite there. But you're within a 25p radius inside the correct place imagine it like a circle radiating around the number line to an extent of 25 either way either way you're gonna get also into the realm of imaginary numbers wait all around the top or wait wait wait you we got it wrong it's two betwings in it for a correct answer?

How could we just do that? How could we do that? We got lost in betwings. We got lost in betwings. I'm tired. Here we fucking go. Jesus. Another fucking Eli soliloquy of the damned.

Come on. Nothing. Come on. What's your problem this week? There's nothing this week. Does your dick work? Yeah. Do your bum dick work? Yeah. Do your bum all work?

Yeah. Is your mouth okay? Yeah. Eyes fine? Yeah. Hearing okey-dokey? Yeah. Touching sticks?

Your fingers. Yes. Now, and then, so, let's correct ourselves then. Before our... Let's just start the whole explaining of the game again. Let's do it. So, if you get the price exactly right, on the nose, you get how many petwings? Petwing, petwing. That's two points or petwing, petwing.

But you know what? Petwings mean more to us than points. They do, because it's actually the next stage. Once you've scored the point, the point then, you are bequeathed the between. Yes. Yes. However,

if you are close, but no cigar on, yeah, close, but no quite cigar. There's no quite cigar close. Half a cigar. If you're half a cigar away,

from the price. Which translates to 25p, either way. 25p, either way. It's one per twing. It's just the one per twing. It's just the one per twing.

Now, are we playing the extra rule of having the minute? Would you like to? either way. It's one per twing. It's just the one per twing. It's just the one per twing. Now. Are we playing the extra rule of having the minute? Would you like to? I would like the three bonus per twings. In that case. I gave you that luxury when I did the game, didn't I? No, that's true. But you were abundant with your items.

I can see now. There's a little look in your eye. There's a trick one in here. There's no trick one in here. There's a trick one in there. I swear to God, there's no trick one. There's a crusty eye patch in here. Because some of us care about the format and the structure and the meaning.

Okay. Right? Some people feel like if they set a good example, they won't be bitterly betrayed by their co-host in future episodes. Well, some people need to grow up and get in the real world, mate. Oh, do some people need to grow up? Some people do. Yeah, do they?

Some people do. Do you want to name names? Children. Children do need to grow up eventually. They do need to grow up eventually. At some point, they will. Yeah, do they? Some people do. Do you want to name names? Children. Children do need to grow up eventually. They do need to grow up eventually. At some point they will. Yeah. So good.

Other people are like, you! You need to fucking grow up! And just learn the hard truth, Paul. Come on. People cheat. Blah, blah, blah. People stab each other in the back.

Here we go. People make power moves, yeah? In games. To be the ultimate winner in the back. People make power moves in games to be the ultimate winner at the end. Just don't. Don't tell me you'll never... We've both crossed our arms, ladies and gentlemen. Don't tell me you'll never attempt to crusty eyepatch me again.

You know what, though? Here's the thing. I opened this Pandora's box with the crusty eyepatch. And I threw in the poot eye. And then after all this kind of discussion about rules and keeping it real and not betraying each other again, you decided to go up with a no-price item, which, you know what? It's a stab in the back, frankly.

So you're telling me this is going to be a good, clean game? I'm saying between this and Queef's Huffer, you're on very dodgy ground content-wise, and I think you should... Queef's Huffer is a totally benevolent force for good in this city. Well, I'm going to be Nutlicker. Okay. Nutlicker and Queef's Huffer.

That's got a ring to it. I'm your mortal enemy. Well, you're the evil, evil Nutlicker. Nutlicker, yeah. What powers? How does that work? Right, so let's just say... Let's just say you're in the bathroom, right?

What, has he got a belt with bollocks on it? No. Are you going to try and do that now? Are you going to try and have disembodied bollocks? I am, basically, a parasite. Disembodied bollock. I'm a parasite. That'd be a better name for him.

I'm a parasite villain, right? So here's the idea, right? Imagine you're in the shower, right? You're cleaning your bits, or you're about to clean your bits, right? And you're in the shower. But you're nude. I'm in the shower right you're cleaning your bits or you're about to clean your bits right and you're in the shower you just but you're new i'm in the shower you're about to get in the shower have i got uh what any kind of toys like a rubber ducky or something no no you are currently what have i got one of those loafers loafer look you got a loafer you're rubbing your back with a shoe right so you're there you're nude

right and then the bollock licker comes and then the toilet seat goes and you go

that's weird and then my head on an elongated horror neck comes out at you on the toilet and right between

your legs goes la la la la la la and takes a big lick of your balls and that's what absorbs your nutrients right

like your crusty cheese bacteria. And that powers me to be... And I... Back down the toilet. And that is... Okay, fine. And Huff... Huffqueefer.

Queefuffer. Queefuffer is my nemesis. Yes. You are out to stop me. I can stop you with my... But you can't stop me. Bagoqueef. Trademark. Yeah. But I with my bag of queef. Trademark.

Yeah. But I have an elongated horror neck. All right. Let's move on, Paul. Yeah, it's good. Nice. What a horrible idea that is. Nut liquor versus queef.

Yeah. It's going to be in the cinemas 2021. Right. So in this instance, it is a legitimate game. It is everything I've got has a price. Yes, but where we got to, Paul, was if I get all three items in a row from

most expensive to least expensive then I get the three per twing bonus. So the prices could all be wrong, but you could get them in the right order. How many items did you say? Three? I have four. Four items, so that is eight per twings from the main game, and if I get them in the right items so that is eight per twings from the main game and if i get them in the right order it's another three per twings so you're looking at a uh 11

per twing uh game today it's an 11 per twing game it was a normal game that one was a bit out of um out of the ordinary for us to me for me to have eight it was quite a lot of items it's quite a hefty hefty game it was a substantial so yes, as I hinted at before, all the items have a theme and the theme this week is retro video games. And you've got quite a nostalgic plastic bag that you've been

carrying the items in from Forbidden Planet. Forbidden Planet. I used to go to that when it was in Covent Garden and not where it is now. Is that what it used to be? It was more of a comic shop.

In my head, I used to imagine it on Tottenham Court Road. It was on one of the seven dials. Oh, okay. Well, it hasn't moved too far, has it, when you think about it? Anyway, where do we start? It's much more of a toy shop now than an actual bookstore.

Let's start with item number one on the retro gaming video game special edition of The Price of Shite. Here you go, Silverman. I don't feel like I'm going to do very well. There's somewhere out of my depth. I'm going to give you not so much a leg up, but I'm going to give you a starting point. Give me a hint. So I got all of these from one place,

and it was Morrison's. And Morrison's had all their kind of Christmas stocking filler gifts. These are new items. This is not a charity shop. They're all brand new, but they were on a massive discount because they were all Christmas items

that they were flogging cheap. Now, he's handed me a cardboard box with an open face cut out of the front of it, through which I can see the item, and it is a game controller multi-tool. Now, the game controller looks like an old Super Nintendo controller. Yes. Yeah, that's the aesthetic. Super Nintendo? Now, what did the original Mario Kart game come out on?

Mario Kart was first on the Super Nintendo. It was on this, right? Yeah. So I'm very familiar with that shape. It has two rounded ends. Whereas the NES was very angular. Was the X controller, is that? No, it's D-pad.

D-pad. Why is it called a D if it looks like an X? Directional. Ah. Or direction. I never knew that. Thank you. And also the four buttons on the other.

A, B, X, Y. And your shoulder buttons. Again, why are they X, Y, and A, B? I couldn't tell you why they were X, Y. Couldn't they be A, B, C, D? They could have been. The Mega Drive has A, B, C. Oh, no, it doesn't.

No, it doesn't. It has one, two, three. Anyhow, so, but how many? When it says multi-tool, you just plug it into your PC? No. It's not an actual gadget. It's not an electronical gadget. Read it again.

It's a screwdriver. It's like a fancy... It's a multi-tool. Yeah. Tiresome. What is this item? What's wrong with this item? It's just...

Boring, isn't it? It's just now it looks like a controller. It is a Swiss army knife in the shape of an old Nintendo controller. Can I open it? Yes. Right, have you got your box cutter with you no why don't you ever

bring that out we need it because every time I do you go why are you carrying that around with you you shiker path now come on

we really need it just take this pin badge and prick it no I'm not going to prick some salad tape just fucking give me that don't no give me it

because you are just going to make a dog's dinner out of this like you always do because you've got there we go see how long that didn't take okay I'm opening the item now you are like an to make a dog's dinner out of this, like you always do. Because you've got the... There we go. See how long that didn't take. Okay.

I'm opening the item now. You are like an ape at the beginning of 2001, just idly smashing at things with a broken bone. Yeah, but they were the good... They turned into... No, they were poisoned by the monolith. They were the successful... Yeah. It's not a good idea.

They got superpowers from the monolith, didn't they? Yeah, it's not good, though, is it? I'd rather be a superpowered fucking ape. We were creatures of peace, and then they? Yeah, it's not good though, is it? I'd rather be a super-powered fucking ape. We were creatures of peace and then they gave us warfare and violence. That's what it did. Yes, and also spaceships. Right, it's got the item.

It's quite chunky, actually. It is. It's quite good, actually. So I've changed my mind, Paul. Oh, good. One of Eli's wonderful moments of changing his tone. The point is you wouldn't want to use it as a multi-tool because you'd just rather get a better multi-tool

that wasn't some kind of novelty item. Do you know what I mean? It's just useless. Let's just say you've got a friend who's into gaming and this could be quite handy for him. Oh, it's got a tape measure in. It has a tape measure in. That's good. What are the features? Tape measure. Tape measure. Goes to about, what, a metre?

Yep. Not very long, but you know. The buttons pop stuff out and the bottom has a bookies Close to about, what, a metre? Yeah, not very long, but, you know. You've heard that before. Oh, what's that? The buttons pop stuff out, and the bottom has a bookie's biro. So what happened there? The A button pops out a bookie's biro. Oh, that's interesting, isn't it? I can't seem to get that back.

Oh, you have to press the button again to get it back in. To get it back in. It actually will fly across the room if you... Oh, I caught it in my genitals, everyone. There you go. Right, what else have you got? What's this stuff at the top? I don't know. This is where the screwdriver comes out at the top. What are they called? The shoulder buttons?

Yeah, shoulder buttons. One has a flathead screwdriver in. Why can't you work this? It is like watching a child. It's not. It is. Paul, I'm quite dexterous. Just don't have a gut. I've worked as a croupier. You have to handle chips, yeah? Just don't. I'm quite dexterous. Don't, just don't have a gut. I've worked as a croupier. You have to handle chips, yeah?

Just don't. I'm not clumsy. I'm not a clumsy person, yeah? Shut up. Right. Why does your hand look like a bag of sausages then? It's just genetics, Paul. It's nothing, I can't help it, right?

So. Oh, that's got a Gillette. It's a Phillips head. A Gillette, sorry, a stiletto action head a gillette sorry a stiletto action a flick knife action a stiletto action do you think women's shoes like the heels pop out no stiletto knives flick knives is that what they were called stiletto yeah really yes those two words converged yeah really yes paul really and it's got a spirit level. And then what's this roller thing? I don't know. Let's have a look.

Oh, it's a knife. How does that come out, though? Maybe you press the button. B. Oh, it's not a knife. It's a shoe. Bottle opener. A shoe.

That's it. Is that all it's got? Oh, it's a tin opener. Yeah, it's the old-fashioned one. It's got a spirit level, too. It's got two spirit levels. What's this? Can I ask?

What? Was this on reduction? Yes. Okay. Are all the items today discounted? Reduced? Reduced in price? level two it's got two spirit levels what's this can i ask what was this on reduction yes okay are all the items today discounted reduced reduced in price i will tell you that i paid no more for all of this all of it time everyone no more than three pounds that's the limit now it could be a little bit three pounds for all four items no no more. Yeah, genuinely. Wow. So. I mean, I could, wow. I needed that because I could have just blown three quid on this, couldn't I?

Yeah. Yeah. So there you go. I could see that going for three quid. There's your first item. Multi-tool video game thingamajig. I'm going to place it on the table. Is that okay, Paul? That's fine.

Quietly. He's delving into the Forbidden Planet. Let's do this one then. Placky bag. And he's handed me the next one. It's the ultimate gaming quiz. Oh! Take on the ultimate video game challenge.

This looks like a... Have you got your box cutter? Give me it. I'm getting a knife. Go on, get one knife then. And while you're fanning about doing that, waddling around your flat like a drunk duck, fucking looking for fucking...

I've had enough! I've had about enough of that. Waddling around my flat like a drunk duck I prefer when you were fucking near suicidal last week honestly

right right he's open he has opened it quite quickly see thank you alright I had to use chips don't do my voice man

you've had five years to go to the Gannon voice and you haven't bothered oh no sorry that's it that is my Gannon voice which you haven't bothered. Sorry. That's it. That is my Ganon voice. Which I don't use very often. Because no one likes it. Like Queefuffer. Like Inchman.

What else? You're going to attack the very foundations of what we're doing here. Who's that other character you like? The actor. Grumpy Sessions. Who's Grumpy Sessions? Grumpy Sessions is a black hole of a character. An important B-list character you need that for the nuance

you need other minor characters you play smaller roles all the hot characters are minor characters right do you want me to you want me to give you

a gaming quiz well I don't know what is it it's just a box full of video game cards and it comes in a game boy shaped card box it must just be quiz cards

right I presume so I'm going to put the other lights on alright here we go yeah test me then because now that I'm on digitiser I know everything about games i'm the best retro gamer are you the best retro gamer out there i like to think so really i've played bold claim i've played roland

on the ropes i've played seymour ghost of the movies i don't know what you're talking about sparky plays a fat worm is that an actual game? That's not a game. It is. You just made that up. Sparky Plays a Fat Worm? Hey. Hey. Do you remember that video you did with Stuart and Barshens where you had to guess all the video game titles and some of them were porn? Yeah.

That one came up. Did it? Sparky Blows a Fat Worm or something. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And I think your reply at the time was,

you wrote that up. Right. And I thought you made that up. Yeah. Because you didn't say Sparky Blows a Worm, you said I don't know, it doesn't matter. Your in-between words sound like stupid head. Well, that's why I

thought you made it up, because you put stupid head in-between words in. Baby, I don't walk around the flat like a child's wobbly toy. Shut up! I do not waddle! Or maybe I do waddle slightly, but it's not because I have excess fat. It's just a waddling gait I have,

because I'm a stout fellow. I can't look at this card with this fucking huge microphone in my face. Could you shine the fucking light on this, please? Right. To play the game, the quiz... Just answer questions, I'm imagining. Please choose at least two teams

with a minimum of one player in each team. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. You just want me to ask you a bunch of questions. Yeah, and I'll ask you some. How about that? Go on. Which of these celebrities is not...

Not. Is not... Not. An avid gamer? Oof. Daniel Craig. Yeah. Mila Kunis.

Yeah. George Clooney. Lady Gaga. Oh, I'm going to go ahead and say Daniel Craig. No, it's George Clooney. Oh, fucking Clooney. One down. What year was the Nintendo...

Oh, fuck's sake. I might not know this. Go on. What year was the Nintendo DS released? Oh, fuck. It is multi-choice. Go on. 2002, 2003, Oh, fuck. It is multi-choice. Go on. 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005.

I'm going to say four, but it's probably five. That's like saying that's stupid. That is stupid head McGee. Isn't it? Oh, it's one of them. That's right. That's my answer. 2005? No. Four. Four.

You're wrong okay it was four you were right at first that's a point then you threw me off no you can't say

it's not 50-50 Paul you can't say I want to have two of those and if one of those two is right I hate it when you shout at me

it's like being accosted by an ugly desperate Dan look alike shut up you're so mean I can't

Kreefuffer's got something man as long as you don't a lawsuit in the waiting right where are new games

normally previewed VidCon GameCon TwitchCon Upload GamesCon is the word sorry

VidCon GamesCon TwitchCon or Upload come on mate the word Sorry Vidcon Gamescon Twitchcon Or Upload Come on mate Call yourself a retro gamer Gamescon I think this is all modern games

I don't know Call yourself a gamer It's all modern games I don't know You don't call yourself a gamer I'm the best retro gamer in the world You don't know I've played Gleeker Vision

You've only got one right so far Out of three Alright well let's do our best out of five It was Gamecon Gamescon I said Gamescon No you fucking said That was the one I said. You didn't say shit. I said GamesCon.

You didn't even attempt to answer it. You just gave me a shruggy face. GamesCon. I'm going to edit that in earlier. Fucking shut up. GamesCon. What currency is used in Sonic? Rings. The answer's rings. Don't fucking shake your head. It's rings. It's not. What do you mean?

What's the answers? What currency is used in Sonic? Coins, cash, candy. There is no currency. Then there is no currency. No, it says coins. What are coins in Sonic? I think they must be the currency that's used. They use rings.

You collect rings. Yeah. No one's arguing with that. But there must be... The currency must be coins. You don't buy anything in Sonic the Hedgehog. You get points. Is this a terrible quiz?

Can I read that? What currency is used in Sonic? I read it right. I'm not saying you're wrong. I'm just saying coins, cash, candy, there is no currency. What currency? Here, right here. What is the name of the Mario Brothers solo game? Is it

Luigi's Racing, Luigi's Haunted Mansion, Luigi Kart or Luigi Life? What's the question again? What is the name of this Mario Brothers solo game? It's Haunted Mansion. Yeah, you see, you're right, but Quanta's wrong. It's just called Luigi's Mansion. It's just called

Luigi's Mansion. And this is a terribly, terribly researched and produced game then, is that what you're saying? The cards are quite nice quality, I'll say that for it. They're sort of glossy. How many different Mario Galaxies? And they look like a cartridge. What cartridge does that most resemble the card design, would you say? Like a Game Boy card. It's a Game Boy card, yeah. How many different Mario Galaxy games

are available on the Nintendo Wii? 1, 3, 4 or 5? 4. 3, but the answer's 2. Alright. There's Super Mario Galaxy and there's Super Mario Galaxy 2. That's what you're saying. I'm just saying I don't know what the third Mario Galaxy game is because as far as I'm concerned there's only two made and you know

I'm not 100% sure but I'm reasonably sure there are only two Mario Galaxy games available well you need to write to these people in Ireland, we made them oh hang on, who wrote the questions P. Gannon I've been rambled I've been rambled

so that's the second item on today's video game special, Price of Shite. I've got to say, I prefer the multi-tool so far. Yeah, this is shit. Yeah, terrible. So, do you think they're wrong? How many movement options does the Game Boy have? Two, four, six, ten? Four?

Yeah. That's the D-pad. Yeah. What the fuck? This is stupid. He's thrown them. Ow! He hurt me.

Collateral damage. I apologise for hurting you. Ow. I apologise, friend, for I took my anger out on the cards. Right, that is... They're terrible, aren't they? I'm actually angry about that. Don't have an embolism, mate.

Right, so I'm... Right, you don't have to guess the price yet, but that's the next one. Okay, those two. Now, if I was going to guess which of those was most expensive, hmm, all under three quid. And they've all got different prices. Yeah. Yeah, and I've listed them in price order, but I've given you a random order.

Okay. Right, here's the next item. Ooh. What do you see? Pencil toppers. Yes. Now, these are all three of the ghosts and Pac-Man

himself. Well, first of all. And some pencils. There are four ghosts. Unsharpened. There are four ghosts and a Pac-Man. Three of the ghosts. There are three of the ghosts. Blinky, Captain John and Albert. One of them's not called Captain John. The blue one's called Captain John. Yeah, and the yellow one's Albert and the first one's Blinky.

The orange one is Albert. Albert, yeah. Albert, Blinky, Captain John. I've got two yellow one's Albert, and the first one's Blinky. The orange one is Albert. Albert, yeah. Albert, Blinky, Captain... I've got two. I've got salt and pepper ones, haven't I? Which ones have I got? Blue and red, so that means you've got Blinky and Captain... Captain Albert.

Albert, Albert. Albert, Albert. So, yeah. Why don't they list the... Are you lying to me about the names of those ghosts? No, that's the correct names. Why don't they list the names of the ghosts that they have on this? Well, because...

It's cheap shit. Do you know there's two different versions of their names? So, there's the correct name. Why don't they list the names of the ghosts that they have on this? Well, because there's two different versions of their names. So there's four for the original Japanese. When it was translated to America, they changed the name. Ah, there was a lot of different versions. Which is why the American ones are Captain Albert and Blinky

and, what did I just say, Arthur. So these are pencil toppers. Are they erasers or are they just to put on the top of your pencil? What does it say? It just says pencil toppers. Oh, no, it says three ghost erasers. Erasers, yeah. And then what does the Pac-Manppers? Oh, no, it says three ghost erasers. Erasers, yeah.

And then what does the Pac-Man say? One Pac-Man. They're all erasers. Yeah, they are all erasers. Pencil topper erasers, and they've given you the pencils as well. Yeah, which is nice. Which is nice.

Nice, nice touch. Mint on card. Very mint on card. Yeah. But, you know, they're brand new, so... They're brand new. Nice. Nice.

If you're into that, that's the best item. Yeah, but I might want to take them out. That's fine, though. And not make people... I don't understand. No, I'd take them out as well. Put them... Because then you could get them around the room.

Around the place. All around the position. Yeah, hide them. Hide them. One's on your bookshelf. Blinky's looking at you. Captain Albert's like on the toilet. I never liked Pac-Man.

I was shit at it. Were you good at it? No. It's hard. I was better at Donkey Kong than I was at Pac-Man. I enjoyed Donkey Kong more, but I only played Donkey Kong on the Game & Watch, really. It's hard. I was better at Donkey Kong than I was at Pac-Man. I enjoyed Donkey Kong more, but I only played Donkey Kong on the Game & Watch, really. Oh, okay.

I played a lot of it on the Game & Watch, though. To be honest, the first time I properly played Donkey Kong was the Game Boy version that came out. And that's pretty good. That's good, isn't it? I'd like to get hold of that. You can get it on the DS shop. You can download it. Can I play it on my Game Boy Color? Yes, but theoretically, you can download it for your DS.

So you could probably get it for your DS. It's worth thinking about. Right, so there's your third item. Thank you. Do you want to see your fourth and final? I do. I don't know if I saved the best till last, but this one was certainly to me the most adorable. This is a Space Invaders keychain

and it's a little arcade cabinet. It's a tiny little micro arcade cabinet. Does it actually turn on? No. It's just a little metal. It's just decorative. But it is a keychain. Yeah.

Oh! I thought you might like that. I do like they've gone with the original artwork. Yeah. And that is very nostalgic for me. You and I share a love of small micro versions of items. I do like small things. This is nice.

And I can see it hanging up here in the House of Pickles on the bestroon walls of random items. There we go. That is your last item. An interesting mix. Under three quid for the lot. We're looking at the 50p. 75p

may be the most expensive one. Well, there you go. And again, cheapest to most expensive. Christ. And I think this one might be quite difficult because of the discounts. And also, I don't really know what these go for. And I just think all of them would originally go for quite a lot more than three quid each. I think, does it say on the back what the price is of some of these things originally?

No. No, fair enough. Okay, so this is... But, like, they were a couple of quid each. I'm pretty sure that Space Invaders were on, like, £4.99 or something ridiculous. I think 50p. I think the keychain is the cheapest. Okay.

Cheapest. Okie dokie is the arcade. Yep. What do you want to say the price is for that? 45p. Right, 45p. Okay, next, what do you want to say the price is for that? 45p. All right, 45p. Okay, next, what do you want to say? You've got the tool, you've got the rubbers, and you've got the card game.

The card game's on the floor. The rubbers is the next most expensive. Okay. Pac-Man. And how much do you say that is? 60p. 60p. All right, cool. Next, you've got the cards, and you've got the arcade...

Oh, no. Sorry, you've got the art quiz, and you've got the tool. The tool sorry you've got the art quiz and you've got the tool the tool the multi-tool 75p okie dokie 75p for the tool and then how much does that come to hang on so that means the most expensive is the quiz cards i think so yeah okay and how much you want to say that is i think a quid all right uh how much does that come to because i might beef up one of them i just want to see how close that is to three quid. Basically, it's... Put the cards up.

So it's £2.80 altogether. That's £2.80 altogether? Yeah. Hmm. How much did I say for this? For the multi-tool, you said 75p. For the Pac-Man rubbers, you said 60p. For the arcade, you said 45p.

Can I say 90 for this? 90p for the tool. Yeah, and 75 for the rubbers, you said 60p. For the arcade, you said 45p. Can I say 90 for this? 90p for the tool. Yeah, and 75 for the rubbers, please. 75 for the rubbers. That's gone over three quid now, hasn't it? 75p for rubbers. Tool, how much do you say? 90p?

Yeah. 90p. So now you're at £1, £2. Yeah, £3, well over. Arcade, Pac-Man Rubbers. Okay, so let's go back to 75 for the tool. 75p for the tool, right. 65 for the rubbers.

65 for the rubbers. Right. And the original price is forever. 45p in the quiz. Right, so here we go, Mr Silverman. I'm hoping I get some between somewhere, because it has been tough, Paul. It has been a tough one, but you've done not too badly, to be fair.

It's not a blank. It's not a between-less. No, you are going to hear the familiar lovely sound of a between, all right? That's reassuring. Here we go. So let's start off. You said the cheapest item, Space Invaders key ring. Replica.

You were correct. That was the cheapest item you said 45p the price 25p so that's a between exactly

yeah there's one between thank you so you got one that was in the zone between and there you go

that was in the zone I'm playing it and playing it clever aren't I you're not too bad I thought 50p then I thought no mate

thought no mate got to get it down there don't you right the next get it right down there the next item You're clever, aren't I? You're not too bad. I thought 50p. Then I thought, no, mate. I thought, no, mate. Got to get it down there, don't you? Right, the next. Get it right down there. The next item you said was the Pac-Man rubbers. You were wrong to put them at the next cheap expensive. Oh, dear. There goes the three between bonus.

In fact, these were the most expensive of the lot. Maybe, yeah. You said 65p. These were one pound on the nose. So no between there. I think it's going to be the same as it always is for i get one between right at the beginning of the you know the reveal and then there's no between sever again no i'll rest i've got one fucking between again haven't i next next

uh you the multi-tool you said was next and the multi-tool you said was 75p it was actually no it wasn't oh yes it was the second most expensive thing so it was in the right position

okay and you were correct with the price so that is two between with the silverman between between

there we go I got that exactly right you got it on the nose 75p yeah on the nose oh it's a bounty and it was in the right position in terms of the gradient of prices.

So the gaming quiz, obviously, it was the actual second most cheapest thing. Yeah, second cheapest. So you said one pound. The price was 50p. 50p. 50p for that. Way out there. I'm very proud.

That's the best I've done in ages, mate. Three for twigs. It's nothing to be shy of. It's nothing to be shy of. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Turn into Max Headroom then for a second. Shy. Shy. Shy.

Shy guy. You're a shy guy. So you've done not too bad there, Mr. Silver. Thank you very much. Due to the idea that the prices were more random than usual because of the discount. And also the items. Yeah. It does make it difficult when it's all novelties of a similar ilk.

Do you know what I mean? Now, I'm going to allow you to have, as any one of these, you can have just one. Would you like the tool, the Pac-Man, the arcade cabinet, or the gaming cards? I'll take the cards. You said no one in this situation ever. I said no.

Go away, Mr. Cards. Well, we've thrown them. I hate them. They're really bad. Really terrible. Cut to someone saying, we've thrown them. I hate them. They're really bad. Really terrible. Cut to someone saying, actually, there were three Mario Galaxy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. But Paul, yeah, actually, coins were there. I'd be surprised. I don't get that. They're rings. You don't buy anything

in Sonic with coins? No. I'm sure you just get points. Well, we'll have a look at that after the podcast is over. When you destroy the machines, don't you just get

little birdies and bunny rabbits fly out the machines? So you're saving lives. Yes. I don't know. I'm no expert. I don't know where they sourced this cunt.

No one wants those cards. So which items do you think I would be picking between? I think you want the pencil toppers or the arcade cabinet. Exactly right.

You know him so well. All right. Which one do you want? I think I'm going to go for the key ring. Oh, he's going with the key ring. I'll'm giving it a nice little hang on something out here. Well, I'll tell you what. The smallest of the items.

Because I was so mean to you, Mr. Silverman, I'm going to let you have the best I want to. Just to say sorry. He's smiling at me. Just to say sorry. In fact, I'm drowning in a sea of useless crap in here. Because I don't want it in my house. Fucking thank you very much.

Year by year, this podcast has turned our lives into a it's literally festooning the walls of my room this podcast it's like a Collier's Mansion yeah it really is like a Collier's Mansion in here

it's weird I'll have to come in here under a tunnel of newspaper and toss you off once a week congratulations Mr Silverman there's no proof thank you

thanks for the betwings man yeah can I just say there was no proof he was tossing his brother off. Is that something we made up? Yeah. I probably was, though. Well, he may have. Come on!

It's time for a dirty shilling. I don't know what a dirty shilling is. Well, it's when you toss your brother off. That's going in the Urban Dictionary. Let's get the orchestra ready You know when the orchestra's all warming up Tap, tap, tap, tap Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap. Tap, tap, tap, tap. Tap, tap, tap, tap. Oh, I've got to be sick. I've made myself really nauseous doing that. I've got to be sick I've made myself really nauseous doing that

I'm dizzy I'm dizzy man I'm dizzy with Brandoff Brandoff Brandoff Brandoff Stop it That's weird

That's like a fucking mental case Brandoff Brandoff You know what that was more most like And I'm not even exaggerating That was almost like when people speak in tongues You know Brandoff

Right It's Brandoff Brandoff Can you imagine if we did Off Brand Brandoff live that was almost like when people speak in tongues you know Brand off right it's brand off brand off can you imagine if we did off brand brand off live and just like

we have like a hundred people going frothing at the mouth why would they make that fucking noise with their mouth though Paul because you know

it's the whole thing because it's your only fucking noise isn't it do a different noise mouth my plan is over the next year or two, turn Cheap Show into a proper cult. Oh, okay. And then go a bit Jonestown at the end. Oh, my God, that's so dark.

Come on. We'll rent a cabin somewhere. Yeah. And what? Kill people. Yeah. Is that what you're saying? We should do.

We're going to a higher place. We'll be moving over into Froth Heaven. Froth Heaven. Froth Heaven. Froth Heaven. I can't think of a better word. Frothopia. Follow me. I am your leader.

Organos Bra. You're fucking into cults. Your family's into them. I'm not into them. We were lucky. Mate, we were lucky that there wasn't some fucking nefarious going on in that cult. Speak to your dad. Get him involved in me cult. I'm Aractus Ha.

Aractus Ha of the children of the cheap light. Follow me into the froth-topia. I promise you, every one of you will be given three or four lovers. But you're putting a bit too much of it out here. We're developing this cult. We haven't got anything yet. I shouldn't mention the death bit yet. Definitely not. Is that jumping the gun? You don't want to start with that, do you? Is that jumping the gun? Yeah, follow me to froth-topia.

Hello, my name's Paul. I'm going to start a little religious cult. We are going to die at the end. Now, let me tell you about the pros. Right. I generally feel nauseous after going mental on that fucking off-brand brand-off. I told you we should have had a little breather. Maybe. Cup of tea in between the segments. Maybe a cup of tea would have been right I generally feel nauseous after going mental on that fucking Off Brand Brand Off I told you we should have had a little breather

maybe cup of tea in between the segments maybe a cup of tea would have been nice but we'll have that alright later on

we'll have that later on it is Off Brand Brand Off it's the time of the show where I present a product of a brand and then an Off Brand Alternative and then Eli

in a blind taste test stylee has to decide which one's the best which one he thinks is the brand against the off-brand, and any other thoughts he can conjure. And sometimes I can't tell. Sometimes I get it wrong.

Sometimes it's harder than you think, isn't it? Sometimes I get it right. Sometimes it's harder than I think. What's the toughest challenge you've had so far on Off-Brand Brand Off, do you think? Well, I got one wrong, didn't I? I got mayonnaise sticks in my craw. You say that. It's not like you got it wrong.

You just preferred the Sainsbury's brand against Holman's. Yeah, but then I assumed the one I preferred was the brand, which it wasn't. True, but at the same time... That was quite an extensive episode of Off Brand Off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Off Brand Off. Off Brand Off.

Off Brand Off. That could be the mantra for the cult. Off Brand Off. Off Brand Brand Off. That's what you said. This is how we started this idea. Off Brand Off, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off. So, we are going to have today a trial. First of all, what's that?

It's a Kit Kat. It's a nine pack. Nine bar of Kit Kat original. Now, you know what's good about them? They come in the little foil wrappers still. So, like the Advert, you can run your thumbnail along the wrapper. Oh, they've still got the foil wrapper? On the two fingers, you still get the foil wrapper. Oh, that's strange. But the two fingers you still get the foil wrapper oh that's strange but the four fingers

is in the plastic wrapper yeah these are made by Nestle who are cunts who are evil but make the best nummy chocolate and I don't care

about babies oh so we'll be testing Kit Kat out against the off brand from Lidl which is called Towergate

which is funny because Towergate is obviously their McVitie's copy brand. Knock-off, yeah. But they're not the people who actually make the real Kit Kats. No. Funny that, isn't it? So, but yeah, as if it's Towergate, break time, chock attack. Chock attack.

Yeah. So it's a fingered snack. That's what happens when I go to the loo. Chock attack. No. It's more like fucking. Oh, what happens when I go to the loo. Chock attack, no. It's more like fucking... What? Like what? Bourneville slurry.

Okay, so you've got chock attack. There. Now, I like a Kit Kat me, but I don't know. I'm expecting to be able to tell the difference, to be honest. I think so. It always comes down to the sugary nature of the chocolate, don't you think? And I should just tell our listeners, I'm not going to be able to finger my way to glory on this episode.

Right, because you will break them up into chunks, so I can't tell any difference there might be in the moulding of these biscuits. I try and hide as much as I can in the presentation. Does everyone know what Kit Kat is, who we're talking to out there in the world? It's a chocolate wafer biscuit. Yeah, chocolate-covered wafer biscuit. They have Kit Kats in America, I'm pretty sure. Yes, and also in Japan, they've got like 80 times of Kit Kat.

Why is that? We've talked about Kit Kats on the show before. We have, we've tasted some. And on Barshens, and on Digi. Kit Kats come up quite a lot. Kit Kat's a big thing, isn't it? It's a popular thing with snacks. It's nice, isn't it, with a cup of tea?

I think so. There's another reason I should have made a fucking cup of tea. Yeah, well, we've got lots of fucking biscuits, mate, to get through, so we're going to be all right. All right, what's the next item that I'll be blind taste testing here on Off Brand Brand? Off Oreos. Probably the world's most popular cookie.

At the moment, apparently so. They're everywhere, mate. You remember when, in the olden days, maybe the 90s, when you saw Oreo, you went, ooh, American snack, how fancy. No, they're everywhere. How did you get them? How did you get them? Oh, there's a shop out of town that does American candy. They've totally

infiltrated our market, and those are... Is it Kraft who make Oreo? It says Mondelez International. But don't they own Kraft which also owns Cadbury's? Mondelez? I don't know. I thought Oreo and Nestle as well. Well, here's the thing, because like Cadbury's is owned by

Kraft now, and Kraft have thing, because like Cadbury's is owned by Kraft now, and Kraft have been throwing Oreo into Cadbury's product, like Cadbury's Dairy Milk. So there must be some Uber. There's got to be some kind of brand crossover now. It says Coco Life on this, and there's a little green thing. Is that sort of like saying that we don't rip off the farmers? It's probably some

kind of, yeah, this is all sustainable cocoa. Here we go, we've got it. We make our cookies with cocoa sourced through the Cocoa Life sustainability program. There we go. Good to know. Now, what do you like? Do you like Oreos? I go through periods of like, gimme, gimme, gimme, and then I can't do them.

I tend to like them when they are used in other products. Like Starbucks. God, it's evil. I'm such an evil consumerist slurp-a-thon. like Starbucks god it's evil I'm such an evil consumerist slurp-a-thon

Starbucks do cookies and cream brownie which I've had a few of recently and it has miniature Oreos in it

as well as creamy bits Oreo ice cream sandwich yeah you like that you've been cutting down on sugar as well recently haven't you oh my god that's a good point

you can still have one one day This segment might make me mad Because I've not had a lot of sugar in a while Well you don't have to eat any It's me I'll be chomping down on these Now the other thing No! No don't do the dog thing with me again

Bad Eli Now Oreos Rub your face in your shit Look you did Don't tempt me Right Yeah anyway Oreos They also come in

a myriad of flavours of varieties we've tasted the fruit with some strange fruit ones once didn't we yeah velvet velvet

velvet velvet flavour velvet red velvet yeah red velvet and mint have you tasted the red velvet yeah it's nice someone's

I think it was Alison who sent me that and the pumpkin ones but red velvet cake is essentially just chocolate cake without the brown colour. Yeah, yeah, it's nice. So how can it be taste... Oreo is already chocolate. Well, there you go.

Doesn't matter, does it? Anyway, here's... What did it taste like that was different from a normal Oreo? I can't remember. You're asking me to remember a flavour from like two years ago. It was crumbly, yeah. That's how you describe all flavours. It was sharp.

Listen, that's my mouth and I'll be tasting the products here on Brand Off, Brand Off. Right, anyway, here we go. I can't remember the name of the fucking segment. Off, Brand, Brand Off. Deedle-deedle-deedle. Here's the knockoff. Oh, Sonday Neo. I haven't seen these before.

Vanilla. These I got again from Lidl. Chocolate sandwich biscuits with vanilla creme. Lidl. Creme. Creme. Creme master. Yes. biscuits with vanilla creme. Lidl. Creme. Creme. Creme master. Yes.

Feelings. Fillings. I've got creme master feelings. Okay. Hey, everybody. It's creme master feelings with this latest hit, Boogie Grumble Land. Oh, Boogie Grumble Land. I've creme mastered on your face Wonderland

Crumbly Wonderland He's gonna take you to a crumbly Wonderland I'll boogie down on your face and crumble Go on, cut that Never write songs, never improvise songs Oh please, just cut that, can we cut that out? Why? Because it's so bad.

Why do you think I want to keep it in? I want it to be humbling. Four times five biscuits. Four times five biscuits? What do you mean four times five fucking biscuits? It means there's 20 biscuits in there. Just tell me how many fucking biscuits are in there. There's 20 biscuits in there.

I don't want to do maths to work out how many fucking biscuits I'm fucking having. Do I? No one's asking you to do that. I'm like, oh, I'm starving. Oh Do I? No one's asking you to do that. I'm like, oh, I'm starving. Oh, I want a specific amount of biscuits. Oh, there's four times five biscuits. I love them.

Oh, shit. I have to work that out. Fuck this. All right. So, are there more? Yes, there's one more double up to go.

So, we're going to be comparing Oreos to Neos. And it's worth mentioning again, the packaging of both are very similar. Kit Kat to Choc again, the packaging of both are very similar. Kit Kat to Chocotat. You know, they're similar. Red, white.

Well, they've copied it. They've copied them. Again. And again, they may be different sized. The Neos are in a box whilst the Oreos are in one tube. But I'm going to open it up

all separately then. We've done this before, mate. Break it down into bits. Break it down into bits. I know how to hide the secret. Just break it down into bits for me, will you? Feed it to my mouth. Last one down into bits. Break it down into bits. I know how to hide the secret. Just break it down into bits for me, will you? Feed it to my mouth. Last one of this selection is going to be... Which one's the

original one? Because again, the packaging's so fucking similar. You can't even tell the difference when they're in the rattle bag. Here we go. Oh, Balsam Choco Leibniz. I love these. These are lovely biscuits. I do prefer the... These are milk Choco Leibniz. They're dark ones. Yeah I do prefer the These are milk Choco Leibniz They're dark ones

Yeah I like the milk to be fair You like the milk to be fair I just prefer You know what I like about these ones They're a chocolate covered You know kind of Rich tea biscuit

Thin Rich tea biscuit That's essentially what they are Yes But you know Because the chocolate goes over the edges I like to bite the edges off the chocolate first So you get a little

Pure chocolate rimming Chocolate feast I like to rim my chocolate. Rim the chocolate biscuit nibbles off the rimming chocolate biscuit. I rim the bicky and then I guzzle the choc-choc.

So these used to be like, ooh, Bolson didn't they? They were special. European fancy biscuits. Not anymore. They are very related to what my top biscuit of all time is. I don't know if you remember, Paul, because we're going back. You have club? No.

No, go on. What are those ones? Rich tea, are they called? Rich tea. Plain chocolate rich tea. Baby. Oh, that's a hot chocolate. I just think that's my favourite.

I like the dryness, the crackeriness of it, but with the sweetness that comes through with the dark chocolate. Well, I have to go with chocolate digesters, unfortunately. Oh, yeah. Milk chocolate digesters. Absolutely my favourite business. Chocolate digesters. Right.

Paul, just quickly. Yeah. Just to insert a little sort of food-related talk into this bit here. Went to that place Wingstop that doesn't take cash. Wankstop? Wingstop. Wingstop. They do wings. Okay. So to that place Wingstop that doesn't take cash. Wankstop? Wingstop. Wingstop. They do wings.

Okay. So I got eight wings. It was like 11 quid with crisps, chips. Yeah. No drink. So a drink would be another probably two quid, two quid. Fuck me. Yeah.

Just to get some fucking wings. But they don't take cash. And I got half and half. So four of them were one flavour, which was their hottest. Harbonero Explosion. And I got half and half. So four of them were one flavour, which was their hottest, habanero explosion. And the four were the other, which was their Korean hot one, but not quite as hot meant to be.

I was very disappointed. They weren't nice wings at all. They were really over-sweet, both of them. Just no flavour really. No complexity in the flavour at all. You know what? I'm keeping that song in, but I'm editing that out. No!

Because I just can't fucking... You zoned out, but people don't. People want to hear me talk about, especially this next thing I'm going to mention. All right, go on. You do get a dipping sauce with your order, and they have three. Honey mustard, blue cheese,

or the one that I opted for in the end, ranch. And it was fucking banging. The raunchy, raunchy, raunchy, raunchy, raunchy sauce there. Ooh, a real sharpness to the garlicky-ness of it, you know? Salty, garlicky, little bit of parsley. It's a ranch flavour. And that was the only good thing about that. So there's kind of a mini sauce report there, right?

Yeah, a little. I just have to justify that whole boring last few minutes of this podcast. Has anyone ever said that a small bag should be called a baguette? No. Because there's already a baguette. Well, they should. Well, then what would you call a long loaf? Mr. Henry.

What? Mr. Henry? Yeah, why not? Call it something else. Oh, I'll have the Mr Henry and some camembert

pick me up a Mr Henry couple of couple of Mr Henry's yeah that sounds like a euphemism as well now we've got the choco

leaving it so wing stop I'll give it honestly the wings weren't very good at all and the just you know I don't care

I know you don't care but I'll say now you know what I'm going to do not everyone's interested in every facet of your life a little nuzzleage don't rub it on it don't rub the biscuits on you why not because that you'll bring out the nut liquor that's how you conjure him bring out the nut liquor oh it's tasty you didn't do it you didn't do it i didn't do it i'm gonna say murderer no murderer No When the nut licker's name Was mentioned

Oh nut licker That's where you got it From that photo The nut licker Yeah Nut liqueur That's what he should be called He's French

Don't open them I'm sorry I'm sorry Don't Stop Fucking shit Get back on the other side Don't you touch the biscuits

Get back on your fucking side Don't you touch the biscuits I'm sorry. I forgot what section we were doing. That's all. I was just going to tuck into those

dirty leaving bits. You're not tucking into them. Especially after you've rubbed it on your sad passage. Nussel passage. Come on. Get your headphones on.

Anyway, here are the knock-off versions of those. These are called Sonday, again. So it must be from the same Lidl, did you say? Yeah, Sondé who made the Neo. Sondé milk chocolate butter biscuits

they call them. Yeah. So they don't call them butter biscuits, the Lebanons do though. Maybe that's what they are though. Maybe they'll taste more buttery, these. Perhaps there's a slight difference. Oh no, it says here they are butter biscuits set in milk chocolate. I see. I didn't know they were butter biscuits. Oh, hang on. Did you know Herman Balson only ever used the

finest ingredients? Yeah. They only ever used the finest ingredients? Yeah. They all fucking use the finest ingredients. Did you know in 1624 when Daniel Walker... Herman Balson used to wank off into the stills. He was well known. We stopped him doing that and we put him away and then we made a biscuit. He used to fucking squeeze out his smegma into the hot chocolate bowl. They tried to say Jack Daniels was like a bad boy, didn't they?

You know, there's all of that. No company says thanks for buying our shit product. Jack Daniels, he kicked a safe or something and then died. Yeah, he got an infection in his foot and then died years later. It's the way it goes. Not years later. A year, half a year? A couple of weeks, days.

Yeah, so, yeah, big difference, man. You've just shortened Jack Daniels' life. The problem is, those posters are actually quite interesting because there's a lot to read while you're waiting on a platform but what happens is I go I'm not going to read that the train's going to be here in a minute and then I read one sentence and I go alright I'll start from the beginning and then the train comes in and I don't know what the story is

at the end, it's terrible you shouldn't play games with yourself like that anyway so there we go, there is the knock off the sundae milk chocolate butter biscuits now Eli I'm going to let you ask what do you want to start with the butter biscuits, the oreooffs, or the Kit Kats? You're in charge of where this goes. Okay, now, what's going to have the cleanest palate for me?

Let's go for the Kit Kats. Start with the Kit Kats. All right, well, the Kit Kats are to your side, so bring them to me, and I'm going to close them. Now, you need to put a mask on. So, as is your want, what is your mask face today, Mr. Silverman? In the past, it's been underpants. It's been sanitary towels that he's used to cover his eyes.

I think I need a... Oh, he's put an apron on. I'm beginning to wonder he's building a costume for me to wear one day so I can insert vegetables into ovens. Now, look at this. This is good, isn't it? This apron. My ploy sweet chilli sauce.

Chilli sauce apron, boy. It's got a pocket. Why are you getting loads of fucking aprons at the moment? I don't. Didn't you have one a little while ago? No, it's my only apron. No man needs more than one apron. I'm sure you've had another apron in your time. This seems very familiar. This is my

first apron. So that's not the blindfold, however. Where are you going now? To get a blindfold. I thought that was the blindfold. I thought you were going to flap it over your head. Oh. What are you doing? I'm finding a proper blindfold.

Oh, he's getting a scarf. Right, good. He's gone to Mount Crop Pants to retrieve a scarf. Right, that was good. Right. Just make sure you mix them up, especially if they've got different... I've already written down ahead in time which order I'm going to give you them in. So I know.

So providing that I keep to it, we should be fine. i'm getting the blindfold on now paul are you ready yes here is your first item so we're going to do kit kat versus choc attack here is your first item is it off brand is it brand make your decision now right i'm gonna give it a little huff i'm gonna give it a little huff. I'm going to give it a little huff. I'm going to eat along with us. Oh, that's got a chocolatey smell. What are you thinking? It doesn't smell like a Kit Kat to me. That's my sort of gut I'm getting with this.

My gut feel is it doesn't smell like a Kit Kat. Okay. That's just the huff report. That might not be. No, your huff is valid. Let's see. Let's go in. He's downed it it he's crunching it

what's his sensation no no what's what's what's ringing bells in your mouth the flavor and the main thing is the flavor of the chocolate tastes cheaper it tastes like towards the christmas chocolate christmas chocolate coins yeah yeah yeah i'm really getting that from the chocolate that cheap taste It's hard to describe What it actually But you know I know what you mean

There's that thing Amplitude And also the wafer The quality of the wafer There was hardly any Crunch to it Or crispness However

Yeah With my tongue I could feel There was an indented Logo On the top of that Segment Yeah

So Just for the fairness can you tell me yeah do they both they both have a they must both have been printed on the top otherwise i just that must be the kit kat otherwise um i'm gonna all i'm gonna say at this point is that they both have a pattern on the top they do they both okay good okay so are you ready for your second one i just think i think very strongly that that is the the brand off all right here we go here for your second one? I think very strongly that that is the brand off. All right, here we go. Here's your second. It might all change.

Here's your second. Just let me... No, get into the zone, please. Oh, the taste of the last one is right in my mouth. Can you pass me my coffee, please? He's done it. He's finally done it. I'm going to fucking take you to court, my friend.

Okay? I'm vulnerable. I have a blindfold on. You can't be pressing knobbage against my fingers. Or whatever that was. Just give me the coffee, please. Right, okay. All right, love.

Okay. All right. When you're ready, you may try element number two. Oh, there's no smell to this. No smell again? Very little smell. The other one smelled much more of chocolate. Interesting.

He's eating the second one. Yeah, that tastes like a Kit Kat. And what makes you say that, though? The chocolate is of a slightly better quality. And the very noticeable was the wafer was much crisper. you say that though. The chocolate is of a slightly better quality and the very noticeable was the wafer was much crisper. And then there's a certain

taste that comes when you've swallowed a Kit Kat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A sort of finish that is very distinct from a Kit Kat. So I might be totally wrong. When I finish in someone's mouth it's very distinct. From a Kit Kat, so I might be totally wrong. When I finish in someone's mouth, it's very distinct.

I'd be very... Don't throw shit at me. I didn't throw shit at you. I'm taking my blindfold off now. Right, so you said the first one... What do you want to say? The first one was off-brand or brand-off? No, it makes no difference.

Is it brand or off-brand? The first one I ate, I think, was the knock-off, was the brand-off. Okay. Are we going to have them all at the end of this? No, I'm going to do it section by section. It makes much more interesting listening, actually, I've discovered. So we're going to do it this way. Okay.

And then you think the second one is the real one, yeah? I just think the second one was the real one. It tasted like a Kit Kat. And do you remember I said no? At first, I just went for my pure gut, my fine slicing on the first one. As soon as I bit into it, I just said no. Do you remember that? I exclaimed no.

There's a book, isn't it, by Malcolm Gladwell called Flick Twitch. What's it called? Twitch. It's called Flimp. It's called Poke the Bean. Cham. Cham down on my bean hole. Flick Bean.

It's Twitch. It's not Twitch. Twat. Blink. Blink. Blonk. Yeah, and that book, there's a whole, the opening chapter. Flap my bean hole. Flick bean. It's Twitch. It's not Twitch. Twat. Blink. Blink. Blonk. Yeah, and that book, the opening chapter.

Flap my button hole. The opening chapter of that book's really interesting. It's about fine slicing, yeah. Yeah, because there's a vase and all these experts came in and they went, no, it's the real thing.

And then one guy just came in and went, nah. He looked at it for two seconds and went, nah, that's not right. But they couldn't figure it out and then eventually they found out it was a fake. So I'm going with my instinct.

I don't want to overthink it because... But I really feel that the first one wasn't a kick-ass. Let's not mince our words. Here we go. You said the first one was fake. You are correct. Okay. It was the knock-off.

And then the real one was the second one. Did you taste them? I tasted them as well. And the minute I put that chocolate attack in my mouth, I was like, they're the chocolate's off. Yeah. The chocolate, it's that same. It tastes like those chocolate Santas you get

which are either the Santa or the Easter Bunny and the wafer's not awful but when you have poor chocolate the wafer has a bigger job to do and if the wafer's not great it felt a bit chewy

it felt much chewier whereas the Kit Kat's crunchier has a proper crispness now they both have patterns on the front but interestingly all the Kit Kat knockoff Choc Attack has is a... Is a sort of cross-hatching pattern.

Yeah, just a striations. That's more rough on the tongue. Striations. But the Kit Kat actually has the logo, which is actually less rough overall, because it's more sort of localised. Now, you know, usually I say, oh, if you're on a budget, the knock-off and one will do.

In this case, I really don't recommend the Choc Attack. Not nice at all, the Choc Attack, at all. It's unfortunately just got that element that is just, it's not nice. Oh, it doesn't say, it doesn't have the logo on it. It says My Break. Does it? Hashtag My Break on the Kit Kat.

No, the other one that did have Kit Kat on. So they've both got different writing on. Yeah. Kit Kat's satisfying, though. Good. Yeah. Whereas, again, the Choc Attack, in this instance, really, I usually give them a break. But in this case, I can't give it a break. I'll give it a Kit Kat's satisfying, though. Good. Yeah. Whereas, again, the Choc Attack, in this instance, really, I usually give them a break, but in this case,

I can't give it a break. I'll give it a Kit Kat. Yeah, I see what you did there. Boom! Come on! I'm keeping it slick! All right, good. Now.

Right, what do you want to do next? It also makes me think, Paul, just one more point on the Kit Kat. Okay. I can see now why they're obsessed with them in certain parts of the world, because there's a distinctness to the overall gestalt, if I can go so far, of that Kit Kat, which is unique to it. It's got the right quality of chocolate and wafer. Just the whole balance of it. It's an incredibly well-balanced product.

That's what's made me think, because that gets everything wrong. Wrong. It's like the chocolate's too kind of soft and sugary, and the wafers are a bit too kind of dull. Interesting. So there we go. Well done on the first one. So unfortunately, here's the thing I will say, though. The Kit Kat pack, the nine pack, was on discount for like £1,

whereas the Choc Attack, I think, was 70, 60p. Just honestly, in this instance, unless you have a problem with Nestle, Kit Kat. Yeah. Even if you hate Nestle and you want to get an alternative, I don't think I can recommend it for that. That wouldn't be the alternative. Just go for a different type of thing.

Don't try and go for... What do you want to do then, Nick? Do you want to do the Choco Butter Biscuit or do you want to do an Oreo? What do you want to do? Let's go for the Butter Biscuit and finish on Oreos. All right, do I have to get blindfolded up? Blindfold yourself up, Mr. Silverman.

It's time to go into the Choco Liebnis Butter Biscuit. More chocolate than biscuit, it says, which is strange. Again, I used to like these, and I ate a lot in my younger days, but I don't go for sugary biscuits these days, really. Obviously, I've cut back, but when I have splashed out recently, I have bought these. Oh, really? Because you don't get that many in, so you can't...

If you eat the whole sleeve, you don't feel too bad. It's the Jaffa Cake issue, in many respects, where it's like, eating a Jaffa Cake isn't satisfying. You have to have at least two. Yeah. And then you eat two, you go, I'll have one more. I'll fucking just eat the whole sleeve.

And then I'll just inhale it. Yeah, by then... Just put it in a big heap on the table. And then eat it as well, as well as make a big Moses. Yeah, you look like Queefuffer. I don't look like Queefuffer. He's masked. Right.

Here we go. Open them up. Here's the first biscuit, Mr. Silverman. The Mask-O-Muff is the name of his mask. Is it off-brand or brand-off? Now. Here we go. I can fill these up, can I?

Yeah, of course you can fill these up, because they're almost exactly the same really yeah i can't i have not sensitive enough to feel the design on the front of it they both have a chocolate it certainly feels like a lebanese this first one it does doesn't it give it a little huff give it a huff weak a weak huff it's a weaker chocolatey flavor than the but funnily enough on the kit kat it was the off brand that smelt more of chocolate on the half, wasn't it? Strangely enough. Yeah, but again... I can tell less from this. It smells of chocolate. It's not a very strong one. Yeah.

Okay. Take a bite. See if you're right. I'm coming up with all the catchphrases today. In terms of biscuit quality, is that nice? Is the chocolate nice? It is nice. Is it? This is good, isn't it? It's nice to see you're not complaining. Very sweet. Yeah.

Chocolate has a certain sort of thickness to it. I tend to think that the chocolate does have a thickness, because on the edges where it's at its most, that's where you're getting your big chunk of chocolate, aren't you? Biscuit's very crisp. I'll be surprised if this isn't the on-brand, if this isn't the actual

brand. So that is biscuit number one, Mr. Silverman. Are you ready? Do you want your coffee to... I'll pass you it now. No, come on. I'm taking my fucking blindfold off. No, I'm not going to do it again, am I? You are. You fucking are. I can tell you fucking totally are. I'm not playing this game. I haven't even stood up.

Just put the coffee there. Put the coffee there. I love how twitchy you are. I'm scared you're going to put your knob in my face. Oh, that's an idea, isn't it? Okay. You all right? You ready?

I'm ready for my second biscuit. Here we go. Here's the second biscuit. Stop. I was going to put it in your hand. Oh, God. You're going to have to trust me. Otherwise, this is going to be really awful. Well, you shouldn't have fucking pressed your nub nubs off

Against my hand that time Come on just give me the biscuit Here we go This has got a rougher Much much rougher bottom Do you want to see a rougher bottom No I've seen Gilbert and George Yeah

Call back to that image in my head The gaping arsehole and a big hard log of shit sorry mate alright so nice colours though I like the blue

this has got a very rough finish it's got a rough finish and the chocolate feels less smooth more powdery to the touch interesting

which is all just me you know confirmation biasing it. Well, this is the thing, isn't it? If you convince yourself that maybe the first one's already your brand, then the second one, you're looking for bad things, aren't you? What's the snuff? Bit of a stronger flavour, again, which makes me think.

Bit of a more aromatics coming off it. I'm going to give it a bite. Go for it. It is your time to bite. Very similar. Well, that's interesting then because usually there's a pronounced difference between the two flavors in this case you're saying it's reasonably close yeah very close what is about this one which differentiates it is it's sweeter rougher softer it's got the rougher bottom in terms of the actual texture on the biscuit yeah apart from that it's really hard to tell apart from...

It's slightly more sickly. It doesn't pop. Okay. It doesn't pop. What's the sickly part? Is it the chocolate or the biscuit? Chocolate. And there's less flavour and amplitude, basically.

Right, okay. Well, in that case, what do you want to say? First biscuit. To be honest, I'm not that confident, but I still think the first one... Is what? ...was the brand. Okay, so you're going to go for a real with that one. And the second one is the fake.

I say fake, but you don't want to get out. I'm not 100% on this one now, Paul. This has stymied me. You said the first biscuit you said today was the genuine brand, which is the Choco Liebenich. Choco Liebenich by Wilson. And you were wrong. It was the fake. It was the you were wrong. It was the fake.

It was the off-brand. It was the Sonday buttermilk biscuit. And the second one was the on-brand. Both very good knock-off then. And again, the Sonday one was, I think, 40, 50p. That's definitely worth it. I couldn't really tell them a difference. That's interesting.

I didn't try these ones. I didn't try them, but I'll try them later now. Because I was hoping to play along, but then I realised, I already know the answers. Interesting that they're very, very similar. Yeah. And there's no marked drop in quality in any respect. The chocolate wasn't nasty or, you know what I mean?

I mean, I preferred the first one, didn't I? Yeah, it did. It's fine to prefer the first one. Preferred the knock-off. And it doesn't happen often, does it? It doesn't happen often, apart from mayo. So mayo and butter biscuits. But biscuits mayo there was differentiations also i think to be fair it was a weird test because all you're doing was shoveling spoons of mayo in your mouth and after

a while i think you might have lost your marbles no i didn't you lost your taste marbles into my gob sometimes i just have a mayo spoon just you know what at the side of your bed no no where's me mayo spoon no you just you know you're preparing some the side of your bed? No. In the kitchen. Oh, where's me mayo spoon? No, you just, you know, you're preparing some food. Yeah. You think, oh, I'm hungry now. That's going to take a few minutes. Just spoon some mayo down your throat.

It doesn't take a few minutes to spoon some mayo. It takes seconds at most. Oh, no, you're waiting for something that takes a few minutes. Oh, so you just have a spoon of mayo. Have a sly spoon of mayo. That is absolutely fucking hot. I'm not ashamed of myself. You should be.

You should be. You should be on a daily basis ashamed of yourself. You should be ashamed of yourself. I'm not ashamed of mayo. That is absolutely fucking hard. I'm not ashamed of myself. You should be. You should be. You should be on a daily basis ashamed of yourself. You should be ashamed of yourself. I'm not ashamed of myself. Fucking, I'm allowed to eat spoons of whatever I like. You are allowed to do that. Sauces of... No, you are allowed to do anything you want, but what you do informs your character, and what that informs me of your character is

your repulsive. So I just need that pointed out. That's just your point of view, then. Are we on to our final biscuit choice? Oh, I'm really... That's punctured my confidence. Well, no, it's not about puncturing your confidence because I think sometimes it's good to say the off-brand is just as good, if not better. Just as good, if not better.

For your wallet. Ka-ching. Now, now that I'm thinking of these Sunday, this brand seems to be quite a strong one, doesn't it? Oh, look, they come in little micro-packages. That's nice, isn't it? Yeah. Right, so you're saying because Sunday are behind this one,

maybe it's going to be another hard judge. It's going to be hard to tell. So, yeah, I'm going to blindfold up here, Paul. Blindfold up for the third and final time. This might be my worst performance ever. I can't get this. It's not about worst performance. I find these are less a competition and more kind of...

It's not a competition, but I just want to know... I can tell random biscuits apart from their off-brand counterparts. Alright. Well, blindfold yourself up and I'll get ready to give you the biscuits you need. Are you ready for your first biscuit? Yes, please.

Alright, hand out. Ah! You arse! Fuck! Just stop. I gave them all my arsehole. Oh, mate. I'm going to do so much for the Queefuffer extended universe.

Honestly, there's going to be a whole backstory. The Cheap Show expanded universe. Smells like an Oreo. All right, but that's the point, isn't it? Feels like an Oreo, smells like an Oreo. Right, okay, good. It's got a rough, rough outside, and there's a rim in which there is the, what's it? Vanilla custard.

What is it? It's a vanilla package. It's vanilla fondant. Vanilla creme. Of course, the vanilla creme. That really just smells like an Oreo to me. They've got a sort of very generic vanilla-y, cookery smell. Cookie-y.

Are they chocolate? I guess they are chocolate biscuits, I guess. They're sort of chocolate, in that way that, you know, that terrible chocolate cake you used to get at school was. Yeah. You know what I mean? Oh, but I did love a Sarah Lee chocolate gato,

double chocolate gato. Who got you that? We used to get it all the time at university. Really? Fucking Sarah Lee chocolate gato, double chocolate gato. It was just the fucking dog's balls. All right.

I'm going to bite into this. I don't like Oreos. That's not the quiz, is it? That's not the game. That's not the situation here. I just want you to give me your feelings on what you think this is. Judging by your experience of Oreos, would you say that's an Oreo or not? I would.

Great. I totally would. I can't distinguish that from an Oreo. All right. I'm not going to make up my mind. No, no, no, no, no. Like I did last time. No.

I think I really hurt myself by deciding immediately that the first of those Leibnitz's was the real deal. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm going to just keep an open mind on it. Here we go. Here's the last biscuit, Mr. Silverman. I don't like Oreos.

Again, that's not the point of this. I'm just going to have a little... Yeah, have a little drink. I'm going to huff this second biscuit. This is the second biscuit now. Give us a huff. Less huff. Less huff.

Definitely less huff coming off that. Okay. Can I have another example of the first biscuit to compare the huffs, please? Come on. Give us another first biscuit. I want to compare the huffs. Could have just not eaten all that first fucking... Don't like Oreos? Eat the biscuit. Well, I'm just trying not to get

a mess in the House of Pickles. I'm not having that back now, because you might have coronavirus. In fact, you probably do, don't you? It actually has more bit more... The half is very difficult to tell apart on these biscuits. Okay. He's eating the second biscuit. What's the situation going on in your mouth, Mr. Silverman?

It's less sweet. Right. Yeah. Professor Silverman, what is your diagnostics? Doesn't. Does it taste like an Oreo? Doesn't taste as much as an Oreo. And that's the amplitude of the flavours not coming together.

Yeah, the whole thing. The whole thing around. It doesn't feel like I'm eating an Oreo as much as the first one. So where do you go then? Very difficult, though. Very difficult. By that logic, though, what do you want to say? That the first one was the real deal.

Okay. And the second is the knockoff. Yeah. Eli Silverman, you said the first biscuit was the Oreo. Sadly, you are correct. And the second one was the Neo Sonde equivalent. Just went with the gasalt, the overall. You know what I mean?

There was no actual element, apart from the lack of sweetness and the lack of feeling like an Oreo for the Neo. As a biscuit, though, is it fine? Fucking fine. Don't worry. If you're going to eat this stuff, I mean, you know what I mean?

Yeah. It's just not very nice. It's a perfectly acceptable biscuit. Again, I'll say again, I much prefer when they incorporate an Oreo into something else, like ice cream or something like that. Or a cake or a dessert or something. By itself, it's not really

much to write home about. It's not a good donker biscuit. It's not. Anyway, I'm sure people love them, but I don't love them. I go through periods of loving them, but right now I'm in a period of being really ambivalent. Down on them, yeah. We did taste the Hershey's Cookies and Cream. That had bits of Oreo in it, didn't it? I like that.

Well, just cookie. I don't know quite how they... No, it is Oreo. Is it? It's got Oreos branded, yeah. Oh, I didn't see that. I don't remember that. It's Oreo branded.

Well, there you go. In terms of overall, then, I think we can say the Choco Butter Biscuit was the most impressive in terms of... Definitely the best. In terms of flavour. And the worst is the Choc Attack. Yeah.

Which were really very poor very disappointing actually were they all from the same knock-off supermarket all from Lidl

yeah and again I think they're like 50-60p each for the knock-off as opposed to £1, £1.50 for the multi-packs of the others

that I bought okay so what you're saying is they're actually the worst value as well the Choc Attack no the Choc Attack is still much cheaper

than the Kit Kat much much cheaper but honestly if you have to just spend the extra 50p might get a fancy Kit Kat

whereas I reckon with Neo and with the other Sonday Butter Milk Biscuit oh hang on Paul

oh yeah I honestly at this point my page is going off at this point I thought we'd got through the section without

this coming up I'm just going to go over and let him in. Yeah. I have to, you know, because he's... I know. I have to go. I'm going to go over and let him in. I'd rather you do it sooner rather than later. I'm going to let him in.

Yeah. I think he's been texting me stuff about how he... I think he's under the impression that this was about Jimmy Biscuits' cat, Biscuits, because it was Biscuit's section. So he might be angry about that because he thinks that Ruffles, his dog, should be the star of the show show so to speak okay so just just to bear that in mind all right yeah yeah yeah let's just get through this he might be a bit angry paul yeah that's what i'm saying yeah there we go right paul yes what's this? Where's biscuits?

I'm just going to go ahead and say right now. Get that cat off this set right now. I need that cat. There's no cat here. There's no biscuits here. You listen to me. The only biscuits we have right now... Listen to me. You listen to me, Paul. Aren't you on the run for murder?

I don't know what you're talking about. Aren't you on the run for murder? You'll have to phone my lawyers. I don't know. The last time I heard, you're on the run for murder? You'll have to phone my lawyers. I don't know. The last time I heard, you're on the run for murdering people. You're on the skids and actually the only reason you're here right now is because Eli remembers you existed as a character. My fee.

And I've brought Ruffles the dog along. Come on. Come on, boy. Ruff, ruff, ruff. Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff. Good boy. Ruff, ruff. Yes. Have a treat. I almost bit my finger off. He's a mighty big lad, Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff. Good boy. Ruff, ruff. Yes. Have a treat. I'm just going to let this go. Almost bit my finger off. He's a mighty big lad, isn't he?

Now, where's that fucking cat of yours? I'm just going to go ahead and say right now, I'm going to give you nothing for the next few minutes. I'm just going to give you nothing to play off, to do, to improvise against. I'm going to give you nothing to talk about. Where's that cat? I'm just going to let you... I don't know what you're talking about. Why are you talking to him?

There's no cat. There's no cat. There's no Jimmy Biscuit. Where's Biscuit? There's no cat There's no cat There's no Jimmy Biscuits Where's Biscuits? Where's Biscuits the cat? No we were eating biscuits I was going to have my dog Fuck that cat

He's got kits Ruffles has got a big knob And he'll fuck that cat It's a girl cat isn't it Biscuits? No It doesn't matter I've never thought too much about It'd be like prison

Right It doesn't matter. It would be like prison. Where's my fucking secretary? Hello, Mr Brandoff. Karen. Carol. Carol, sorry, whatever.

But you can call me Karen if you like. Right, Karen. You usually call me bitch. You are one. You fucking are one. Right! What can I do for you, Mr. Brando? Could you just take some minutes? I'm going to serve

Paul up with a writ. You can't take minutes. It's a concept of time. Listen, listen. You're half-eyed. I mean, that's for sure. That's in the bag. Alright, I'm writing it down, you know. Write down what I have to say to Paul. Alright, then. Here we go. Got a pen?

Ruff, ruff, ruff. Ruff, ruff, ruff. Ruffity, ruff, ruff. Ruff, ruff. Now, Paul, you take that cat and you remove him from this set and you never put one of his properties, Biscuit's his properties, whatever, his cat, his fucking trench coat,

anything, near this House of Pickle studio ever again. Alright? Or I will come down on you like a ton of legal tonnage. All right, I'm going. Come on, Rob. Come on, little Ruffles. Hang on.

I wrote the word Ruff. What was the next bit you said? Something about... Something about biscuits. It's too late now. Go and warm my limo up. It's not a pen. What is it?

It's a pen. You've almost found biscuits. You're useless. You're shit. You're fired. But first you have to warm the limo seats up in that special way. All right. You're just going to go.

Come on, boy. That's fucking right. Have a treat. Just go. Just go. I'm having a little play with my dog, ruff, ruff. Ruff, ruff, ruff. That's fucking right. Have a treat. Ruff, ruff, ruff. Just go. Ruff, ruff, ruff. Just go. I'm having a little play with my dog, if you don't mind. I just want this segment to end.

Ooh, good little ruffles. Just want this segment to end. We're right at the end. And now I've got to deal with this fucking pantomime. Ooh, good little ruffles. Good little ruffles. Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff. Ruff.

Yes. Paul, you're... The limo seat's warm. Good. And very sticky. Good. Thank you, Karen. Stroke, Caroluff, ruff. Ruff, yes. Paul, you're... The limo seat's warm. Good. And very sticky. Good. Thank you, Karen. Stroke, Carol.

I'm coming. You're going to stroke me. I'll see you real soon. Ruff, ruff, ruff. Coming. Ruffles. Has he gone? He's all right, really, isn't he?

I mean, you know. Has he gone, though? Yeah, he's out there. Quick, come out. Meow. Meow. Oh, hello, Bickies Meow I'm Bickies

I've been shut up and busy You look a bit manky Fuck off mate Don't fucking bring that here don't you fucking bring that here that fucking real offence you took when I insulted your imaginary cats this segment's over

oh it's another episode of cheapshow.industry thank you for supporting us on patreon if you do support us or would like to it's patreon episode of CheapShow.Industed. Thank you for supporting us on Patreon. If you do support us or would like to, it's patreon.com forward slash cheap show. Thank you very much for that. Loads of different levels of involvement in terms of how much you want to give to us.

Levels of involvement. Much better than tears. Yes. Any day of the week. Yes. I'm trying to change things up so every week I don't hear you go, It's not new.

No, it's fine. It's fluffy, fluffy. Fat- it's fine. It's Sponky Spoffy fat-tongued, chunky fingered fucking beardy wank wank. We haven't said a lot of spunk talk this week, have we? Isn't that good, though? Isn't it nice? Wipe the spunk off the podcast.

It's raining again. Crisps. Can we do crisps next week? I'm going to wrap this episode up full stop here we go oh yeah what did I want to say pun it willow

that's it yeah pun it willow keep that in just think I'd like to suggest that as maybe the title

of the episode pun it window willow pun it willow why because that's the man who in this time period

in this continuation of the show, it has the mantle of Queef Huffer. Okay? He's the man. Punnett Willow woke up one day, and he was bespoke with the bag-o'-queef.

The bag-o'-queef was in his bed, and then he becomes Queef Huffer. Please stop talking. Just please, for like two minutes. He found bag-o'-queef. No one knew stop talking just please for like two minutes he found baggo Queef no one knew where it came from just two minutes alright whatever

www this there are pictures to accompany this episode if you go to thecheapshow.co.uk and look for this episode numbered page that's good

shut up ow you've hurt you've assaulted me twice four times four times for fuck's sake, man.

All I did was have a, you know. I did nothing. I did well on that. I know. I'm doing what I'm asked of me. You did fine on Price of Shite as well. You've done all right today. Scranage.

Till then. And then the whole Brandoff thing. Because it's broken the reality of the universe. Because he just walks in when he's on the run. And Jimmy Biscuits is after him. He has to come in for the Brandoff.. Because it's broken the reality of the universe because he just walks in when he's on the run and Jimmy Biscuits is after him. He has to come in for the Brandoff. I'd ideally like him to never appear. In that case, I'm never bringing this segment back.

That's all it takes to get rid of Brandoff. You're never going to bring this segment back. I'll call it item or write-off. Knock-off. Knock-off or jock-off. I don't know what that means. Spuff my buffer. Trash my frothy hoff.

Do you want to hear my... Hopscuff and broth. Where my Twitter handle is. Yeah, where is it? It's on Twitter. It's where it usually resides. And it is Eli Snowid. E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D.

If you'd like to follow me on Twitter. And if you want to follow us on the podcast, it is at The Cheap Show Pod. I'm at Paul Gannon Show. And if you want to email us anything, it's thecheapshow at gmail.com now again i'm gonna say um again again you're gonna say again you're gonna say about unbound yeah i'm trying to raise money i'm gonna so i'm trying to write a book based on my solo show ain't afraid no ghost uh it's through the

company unbound i have to raise the money to do so it's been successful before for all the people i'm giving it a go so if you want to help support me have to raise the money to do so it's been successful before for all the people I'm giving it a go so if you want to help support me and hopefully raise the funds to get the book made and you'll get a book in return or audio books

depending on how much money you give there'll be lots of extra thank you perks I believe are they going to be what photos

I don't know in the book I don't know actually that's a good question I don't know something worth thinking about it is worth thinking about but anyway if you would like to hear the story of my ghost hunting life and my adventures

in that, then it'll be called Ain't Afraid, No Ghost. If you want to help support it, you can go to unbound.com forward slash books forward slash ghosts. Good. Well remembered. Yeah. I did panic there for a minute because I wrote it down and then... Well, you remembered it. I remembered it. So there's no problem because I wrote it down and then well you remembered it

so there's no problem so that would be very kind of you if you'd like to support me as little as or as much as you'd like is that it oh yeah we're on Facebook

we're on Tumblr we're on Instagram look for Cheap Show or Cheap Show Pod are we on Tumblr because I rejoined the other day no I don't know really what to do with Tumblr

but it's there because some people use it still oh you can access the pod actually by clicking on a Tumblr post yeah yeah when I do uploads it gives a link to that Tumblr so you can all link back.

It's just basically like a little blog page. I don't know. I don't know. Also me and Eli, we're doing Digitizer now with Biffo every Thursdays on the YouTubes. That's exciting. And I saw next week's or this week's. I can't remember when this one comes out. But it's fun. It's the one with the eggs.

Except I think this week's will go out before this episode goes out. So... There's not much point talking about it. There's not much point talking about it. You've seen it already. I've just got this Space Invader out. Yeah, it's a little metal. It's nice, isn't it?

It's nice. It's pleasing. It's pleasing enough. Right, well, on that lovely, pleasing note, I'm going to stand up and rub my balls in Eli's beard. No, no, no! Enough of that. I'm leaving. Nutlicker's back and he wants to lick your nuts.

Queefhoffer! Queefhoffer! Oh no! Hello, it's I, Parnet Willow. Under the guise of Queefhoffer, what seems to be the problem here? Oh, Queefhoffer, so glad you're here. Mr. Huffer, so glad you're here. Mr Huffer, sir,

this snaky head man liquor of bull thing is here. I am the nut licker and I will lick all of your nuts and power my death ray. You evil, evil nut licker. Bang! Shot you in the

dead because you're... Shot me in the dead? Shot me in the dead? I shot you in the dead. Shut up shot me in the dead shot me in the dead shot you in the dead shut up nut liquor I'm going to my trademarked utility belt of queefs

but it doesn't matter because as I explained last week it's the bag of queefs as I explained last week I reached out a bag of queefs and this is the poisonous

the worst poisoned queef of all time from Queen Vespucia herself Queen Vespucia of the planet Zylon with the worst queefs of all time from Queen Vespuccia herself Queen Vespuccia of the planet Zylon with the worst queefs of all the universe

and it's very as I explained to you last week it doesn't matter because by the time you monologue I've shot you it's poisonous

it's proactive he's shot you in the dead I'm clasping it from the bag of queef it doesn't matter I'm releasing the Vespuccia's evil queef

into the nut licker's face. The nut licker's on the bus home, mate. He shot you in the head because you were too busy talking and fishing around for fannies in your bag. Even if Planet Willow dies. Bang, bang, bang. No, he didn't. Bang, bang, bang. You can't have guns in this.

I live to lick another nut another day. We don't do guns on Cheap Show. Well, we did. And I just shot queef over twice now. Two episodes still dead. It doesn't matter. A nut licker lives to lick another nut another day.

He's obviously impervious to bullets. He's not. He's an impervert. And he's going Queef Huffer. There he's got his theme tune. Queef Huffer, yeah.

Then the Nut Licker's got one then. How does that go? Nut Licker. No. Nut Licker. Nut Licker. Nut Licker. He's licking your nuts Not liquor Not liquor Not liquor He's licking your nuts for fun

Out the toilet Yeah, he might do My head will come out between your legs And you're on the toilet He's whoring it Comes out the loo And licks your nuts And does the poo

Like great No, you can't mack it Stop, stop You can't mack that. We can't mack it.