CheapShow - Ep 17: Batman's Anger Management

Episode Date: March 13, 2016

Stand back Superman, Iceman, Spider-Man. Batman and Robin too... It's another CheapShow podcast with Paul Gannon & Eil Silverman! This week, the chaps discover the story of a fan made Batcave made on a budget of £100... And then fall down a superhero rabbit hole and Eli makes a rude confession! Ash Frith talks video game conspiracy theories and in Cheap Eat, Eli and Paul stick a load more weird food in their gobs. Will the Jellyman defeat them? The Price of Shite contains egg shapers, comedian Top Trumps and some more added video game Batman where it all gets a little 8-Bit. Finally, Eli decides to role play a few anger management scenarios with Paul... It does NOT go well. Listen now on this very page and give you eyes something to do by looking at the pictures below that accompany this episode. Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! You can see pictures and accompanying videos on our website www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow @elisnoid or @ashfrith If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... all that jazz! Subscribe to us on Stitcher or iTunes and get fortnightly fun WARNING *Show contains strong language and adult material

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Cheap Show. I'm Eli Silverman, I'm coming to you straight out of Soton, and here's the other host, yes, it's Paul Gannon! Hey, welcome to Cheap Show, my name is Paul Gannon! It is. You say it then. The Economy Comedy Podcast. It's a little bit harder than I thought. Anyway, welcome to what we call a podcast, where we delve through the charity shops, 99p stores, pound lands, boot sales, thrift shops and... Flea markets. ...of the world and come back with what we hope is a show's worth of material. How are you doing?

I'm okay, yeah. Three nights in a row DJing. Oh, yeah. Hey, DJ, rock that party. Rock that party. Rock that party. Rock iting. Oh yeah. Hey DJ, rock that party. Rock that party. Yo, yo, yo. Rock it in the, rock it in the, rock that party. You don't play any of that kind of music though, do you? What, like what? Made up songs? Wop, wop, wop, wop, wop. Zzzz.

Duh. Boop, boop, boop. Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh. Boop, boop, boop. Wop, boop, boop. No. Boop, boop, boop. Boop, boop, boop, boop.

That stuff. Dubstep. Is that what it is? I think you're doing a dubstep thing. I am putting on my dubstep. No. I did. I have a little tail from the dance floor, though.

Oh, you have a tail from the dance floor? Last night, some Spanish ladies came up. We're from Spain. What do you think they asked for? Do the accent. We from Spain. Yeah, don't do the accent. Hello, everybody.

Peeps. That's Greek. I know. Yeah, anyway. So they came up. Yeah. I thought, oh, do the accent. Hello, everybody, peeps. That's Greek. I know. Yeah, anyway, so they came up. I thought, oh, they're... Pretty. They... Well...

Right, you can judge. All right, yeah, you can judge. What? Listen, a man who's got facial disfigurement could judge whether someone's pretty or not. I don't know if John Merrick, for example, would be like, you look like a dog's arse.

I'd be like, all right like a dog's arse. I'd be like, all right, John. You might just say, you might just say, John. But I think you're banging out a fucking order. You can't even lie down, you fuck.

What I'm saying, you know, people don't want to take it from people, but you know, anyone can have an opinion, can't they? No matter what their appearance is.

However, they weren't, they weren't, they weren't knockout and they weren't... Complete dog's dinner. Either. Okay, they were just, you know... Just ladies.

They came up and they were from Spain and they... All right, we established they came up and we established they came from Spain. Now, the next part of the story is... Their request. The Macarena. What? The Macarena? That's like us going to a club in Spain, in Madrid, and going...

Can you play Vindaloo, please? Yeah, or Roll Out the Barrel or something. Do you know what I mean? Excuse me, fucking Torremoline Doc or whatever your name is. Yeah, Torremoline. Hey, can you play Roll Out the Barrel? Yeah. No.

It's silly, isn't it? Did you play it? I don't have it. Your music that you play at the Blues Kitchen tends to be... funk vintage r&b motown yeah disco sometimes bit of reggae yeah i played a bit disco bit of reggae last night but i've never heard you play 90s cheesy novelty pop songs unbelievably cheesy i mean none more cheesy no hum nidda hum nidda hum macarena i mean it's like oh macarena those two old geezers yeah It's the most naff thing ever. You know Macarena means like the song's about a whore, isn't it?

It's like a woman who goes... She's a lady of the night. Yeah, she's a lady of the evening. Okay, so what have we got coming up on the show, Paul? That's it. Good night. Good night. Today's episode is themed around games.

Oh, I like games. Of all different types and styles. But I did have a new story I wanted to start off with at the top of the show. I'll just read you the title, okay? Yes. And then I want you to use your imagination

about how well this guy achieved his dream. Okay. Batman superfan, there's your starter, turns bedroom into an amazing bat cave and it cost him just £100. £100? £100.

Well, that is cheap, isn't it? Very cheap. Did he have working radio equipment? There's a video. This comes from, in the UK, a website, a newspaper, The Daily Mirror. So he bought what? He bought £100 worth of cardboard and some paint

and he's just done facades. So there's a little video, but I'll read you the article first and then the video will speak to him directly, what? He bought £100 worth of cardboard and some paint and he's just done facades? So there's a little video, but I'll read you the article first and then the video will speak to him directly, okay? So, this man, his spare room is now a bat... What's his name? It's interesting, it's an article that doesn't mention his name until like paragraph three. And? Spare room, just let me read the fucking article, alright? Okay, read it. This man's spare room is now a bat cave and home to his huge comic book collection

after he spent 18 months transforming it. Batman superfan, Iceman Spider-Man, Batman and Robin 2. The one who calls the frackers to be a frackers. That's got one of the best lyrics in all of Songdom. What is that? It's the theme from the TV show in the 80s, Supergran. Oh, Supergran, yeah.

About your old woman who gets a beam from a laser and becomes super strong. She was good. That was good, wasn't it? Theme song by Billy Connolly. Oh. The one who calls us rackers we behave like rackers.

I've done the job. Jobbing. There's a line in there. He's got more bottle than United Dairies. Oh, that's good, isn't it? It's good, isn't it? It's a good line, that.

So I'm getting confused there. What about Banana Man? That had a good theme song as well, didn't it? It didn't have a theme song as that you sung. It was like... You know what? We've got the internet. I can find out right now.

Should we find out what the... You know what? We've already gone off a fucking tangent, all right, already. But let's look for... Just so the audience can catch up. Because some of the people are international. And they won't know what the fuck Supergran is. Or Banana Man.

But we'll preface it by saying they're UK cartoon... Oh, no, one was live action. Supergran was live action. Banana Man was a cartoon show. But very 80s UK superhero theme. Can I tell my Derek Griffith story now? Yes. You do it while I find this.

So, Banana Man was voiced by Derek Griffiths. And he was a children's TV presenter and actor. Yes. Whose most famous stint was in play school. That's right, yeah. In the 70s. And I shagged his daughter. I'm sorry, that's your story.

I thought it was going to be, oh, I worked with him professionally, he was a nice guy, and I mentioned things. But it's like, no, I was inside his precious daughter. Well, you go please just go let's don't don't put that out no i'm putting that fucking out that you worry about that you're so proud of telling that story oh anyway we're going back onto it here is okay the theme starting off from super grand all right i'll go then we'll get

back to the story okay this is billy connolly who sung it. Look out for Supergrad There you go. I wonder who sung it. It's Billy Connolly who sung it. He did the vocals, right? Yeah, it's his song. Remember he used to be in the Humble Bums, that band? They used to do music. With Jerry Rafferty.

Yeah. That one. Let's get back to the back. No, no, no. Now we have to do the Banana Man theme just so we can contrast and compare, right? So here's the Banana Man theme. This is 29 Acacia road and this is eric the school boy who leads an exciting double life for when eric eats a banana an amazing transformation occurs eric is banana man

ever alert for the call to action. So there you go. Banana Man. See, it didn't really have a thing. It was just, you know. It didn't. It had a motif and a voiceover. Voiced by the goodies. It was Timbrook Taylor,

Graeme Gardner and Bill Oddie. So who? Based on a comic strip from you. Derek Griffiths. What did he do? I don't know how that came about, actually. What was there? Super Ted.

Oh, yeah, he was Super Ted. That's where we went wrong. They're bringing Super Ted back as well. Revamping that in the same way they did Danger Mouse. Really? Everything old is new again. Everything under the sun. They're making...

Do you know what? They're also making The Thomas Crown Affair again. Yeah, again. A third remake. Also, there's a brand new Ben-Hur out next year as well. Well, at least they waited 80 years or something.

That was already a remake of a 1930s film as well. Of course it was, yes. So it was original, then there was the Charlie Weston one. Let me guess. Yeah.

Ridley Scott. I think he's producing it, actually. Yeah, of course. And I think it's probably got Sam Worthington in it. He's Mr. Sandals and Swords and Sandals, isn't he? Yeah, he's a load of shit. Fuck you, Ridley Scott. I think he's producing it, actually. Yeah, of course. And I think it's probably got Sam Worthington in it. He's Mr. Sandals and Swords and Sandals, isn't he? Yeah, he's a load of shit.

Fuck you, Ridley! Roast chicken! Roast chicken! Christmas in joke. Right, so here's the article. Spare room in a guy's bedroom has become a bat cave. Super fan, Batman, Iceman, Spider-Man, the way we got to, has been collecting memorabilia for more than two decades

and wanted a fitting home for his £15,000 collection. The 46-year-old spent most weekends and evenings for a year and a half transforming his spare room with the support of his understanding wife, Catherine, 45. That's what it just says there. He fitted wooden joists and mesh to hold stalactites made from paper mache and covered it in six shades of grey. See what they did there?

Six shades. No, no, it was 50, isn't it? Of grey paint. Yeah, so he basically did some papier-mâché cardboard, like I said, and painted it. Yeah, the thing is, when you look at the pictures, which if you come round here in a second, you'll have a look, it looks like a room from the 80s with a cave on the roof.

It's just grey. I'm going to come out of it. Come and have a look while I read the rest of the article out. Darren, a sculptor, also put in a mock pipe in the middle of the room to make his ordinary semi in Wiltshire look like Bruce Wayne's secret underground HQ. He said, I was doing the room as a computer room initially, and then it just came to me. People who see it are pretty amazed.

It's always nice and tidy in there, and the effects of the rock and granite just make it a big talking point. A lot of hard work. The paper mache took the longest, as it was two layers. That was a good year in terms of making it, but it was worth it. Darren has been collecting Batman memorabilia since the 1989 film and his collection currently includes 15 boxes full of thousands of DC comics. His house is literally a fire hazard waiting to happen.

Also, from looking at the pictures, it kind of looks like his ceiling's covered in wet toilet paper. It does, doesn't it? Yeah. Anyway, it's weird. Essentially, it is. I mean, look, don't get me wrong. Nice effort. He's a big fan.

He's passionate about it. I don't knock it. Batman's pretty good, isn't he? He's a superhero. He's all right. There's a little video here that accompanies it where he's talking about his project. Let's see what he says. Basically, I wanted to turn it into it because I'm fascinated with with the batman uh john you know genre and all that

sort of stuff and um initially had a had an extension done in here and they'd left the rtex a strip where the where the wall was so i wanted to cover it up so i thought instead of having it r texting i suddenly had the idea of having a huge cave effect in the room oh my god yeah oh i went to cheddar gorge all right he actually used the verb wanted air texting anyway he continues for the different because obviously in every chamber the stalactites now are different the cave roofs are you know completely different so i chose the one that i liked and i based it on that the photographs, and then that's why I structured it like it was. I have a Golden Age comic from 1947, so it's 70 years next year.

That's worth quite a lot of money. I do have a limited Batman diesel watch, which is worth about £500. But the thing I got most of all is the signatures from Bob Kane, who was the creator. Fact. He wasn't. He wasn't. Another guy, is it Mike Finger or Bob Finger or something? His surname was Finger.

Mr. Finger. It was. His surname was Finger. That's why I remember his surname, but I can't remember his first name. Who actually created it. Apparently, he created the Joker and the Batmobile and other characters and the design of, I think, Robin as well. Basically, he had such an impact on Batman

in terms of its overall universe that to say Bob Kane was the overall creator of Batman is a lie, basically. But Bob Kane wasn't just a charlatan. He did actually have some creative input. No, but he was lauded around, and he was quite business savvy. So the idea was he just spoke the loudest,

and people were like, you know, I'm going to say Kevin Finger Kevin Finger I'm sorry Mr Finger because you're dead if you're listening which you're not I can't remember your name

I could do the research but yeah because he was quite quiet and stuff like that he didn't really stand up for himself he was a creative introverted guy there's a guy who wrote a book about the whole

Bob Kane versus Finger you know what let's just look this fucking up because I can't Finger Batman don't. Finger, Batman. Don't. Bill Finger. Bill Finger.

Bill Finger. Yeah, they reckon... Now Warner Brothers have to credit both Bob Kane and him on any movie or comic book. So he's a state one or some kind of injunction. Yeah, I think there's a big fan uprising as well

that always said, fuck Bob Kane, he's mouthy. Because he would go to dinner parties and say I created Batman did you create Batman? No I did not I created Batman I created Supergran shut up Tony

I tried to write a comic when I was in school it was called Eli Man at least I tried no you did listen mate listen just yeah yeah just enough of that At least I tried. No, you did. Listen, mate. Listen. Just, yeah. Yeah, just enough of that.

So he made it. It's like he made his room into a cave. For 100 quid, though, apparently. Yeah, but, you know, he says 100 quid. It's like, you know, it's like the tramp who comes and says, I'll make you rock soup, isn't it? Yeah, I've heard that story, yeah. So he comes out, he goes, I'll make rock soup. She goes,

oh, right. It would be better with some salt. It would be better with this. That's what his cave's like. Yeah.

It's like rock soup. I've painted my room great. Right, it could do maybe a stalactite. All right, okay. All right,

so I'll just spend another 50 quid on this stalactite, but we're not going to include that because it doesn't sound so impressive that he's,

or, you know, and he doesn't want to, he wants to keep it from his long suffering. Yeah. Understanding. Anyway, to cut a long story short, Darren, well done, mate. You're living the dream. If I told my girlfriend that I was going to put a room that looked like a Ghostbusters firehouse,

it would never happen. So, fair play to him. He got his dream. Why is it just but it's just with that character batman you can have a bat cave yeah but what have you into superman you can't have a superman cave can you yeah you have the fortress of solitude ah you have your own little fortress of solitude what have you as spider-man uh good point you'd have uh bedroom uncle ben's laboratory no uncle ben first of all died which is part of the genesis of the Spider-Man myth.

So at best, you could go to the Uncle Ben grave. I've got a £100 Uncle Ben gravestone. That's a good point. Spider-Man doesn't really have a hideout or a base. He does have a lab. Does he? He's a scientist, isn't he? I guess, yeah, but he just...

He was my favourite. Spider-Man. Yeah. I like Spider-Man. Yeah. Do you know the kid who's playing him in the new film Civil War Tom Holland oh is he in Civil War

yeah he's in that Tom Holland yeah his dad is Dominic Holland the comedian oh yeah

the stand-up comedian of course and apparently Dominic was like worked all my life to be a stand-up now my kid's going to be richer

more famous than I will ever be in my whole life and I'm also going to spend the rest of my professional stand-up career talking about my son he's not complaining.

He's just saying that's just the way the cookie crumbles. Yeah, he might not be consistently more famous. He could be a really shit Batman and Spider-Man even and ruin it for everyone.

You know who was really shit? That other one. The one in the last one. Garfield. Fucking hell. He hates Mondays. I just thought that was awful. The films were bad.

I didn't mind him as... I keep saying Batman. I didn't mind him as... I keep saying Batman. I didn't mind him as Spider-Man. But the films around him were awful. I've only seen the first one. It sucks. What's coming up next, Paul? Let's find out. So now it's time for the well-loved and adored

game we all like to play, The Price of Shite. Take it away with a jingle. Mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama. That's right, that's right, that's right, that's right. Shut up. Come on, let me do it. I'm sorry, this is a new jingle.

I'm having it sprung on me right now. This is the new jingle. I'm sorry. It was just a shock. All right, I'm not used to change. Go for it. Mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama. That's right, that was just a shock. Alright, I'm not used to change. Go for it. That's right, that's right,

that's right, that's right, that's right. It sounds like you're having sex with someone from the 70s. It's like, oh, I'm fucking the whole band sweet. Look. That's right, that's right, that's right, that's right. It's the price of shine tonight! That's awful. That's right, that's right, that's right, that's right. It's the Price of Shite tonight! That's awful.

That's awful. Awful. You should be ashamed. Well, it's a work in progress. It better be. Okay. I prefer the other one. Let's just do the other one.

Alright. Because it's got the nice tag to it. Okay. It's the fucking Price of Shite. It's the fucking... Price of Shite. Oh, it's... The fucking Price of Shite. Oh, it's the fucking Price of shite Oh it's The fucking price of shite

Oh it's the fucking price of shite That's right There we go I like that Okay That call and response Ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma Right right right

Did you Were you wanking When you came up with that No Right right right Oh that's a nice jingle Yeah Oh god

I was not wanking I never wank Anyway I'm pure And chaste. I'm saving myself for the right lady. For the right hand. Boom.

Ka-ching. Come on. Get your shite out. Here we go. So this week, I have gone to a charity shop and I've bought three things. Now, I'll say this right off the bat to help you out. Very cheap. Very cheap shit this week. Well, it's the price of sh things. Now, I'll say this right off the bat to help you out. Very cheap. Very cheap shit this week.

Well, it's a price to shot it. Yeah, but sometimes we go a bit overboard and I've kept it real cheap. Okay, a little pointer there. Thank you. So we'll start with this one. It is item number one was bought in the YMCA. I went to in Southampton last time.

I went back there again and I found this. Oh, yes. What brought you back? They have great stuff there. The shower facilities. No, not the shower facilities you dirty you can have a good time

you can touch yourself up you can have a weird moment with a stranger in a shower not the lyrics this is Top Trumps which is obviously a game you know where you get cards and you shuffle them

and people get different stats and you compare and contrast whoever has the top card in that wins the Trump card and we all know what the greatest Top Trumps of all time was no

the horror did you ever have that? no I never heard of that like Freddy Krueger and Jason and Dracula in that wins the Trump card. And we all know what the greatest Top Trumps of all time was. No. The horror. Did you ever have that? No, I never heard of that. Like Freddy Krueger and Jason and Dracula. No, no, it was before that. So you had all the... Like universal horror characters. Yeah, and Godzilla.

Oh. There was one card... All the Toho stuff as well. It was brilliant. There was one... The illustrations were great. Like, they'd all done, like, bespoke illustrations, like...

You know, there was, like, one that was online about the universe and space and Top Trump's space thing. And apparently it was completely flawed from the start because all the facts were wrong. Right, yeah. And it was like, the sun is only 15,000 miles away from the earth. And you think, no. No. It's like a flat earth has got in there.

Yes, the sun is a plate revolving around your head. There was a great tweet I saw this week about saying, yes, we at the Flat Earth Society have members all over the globe. Yeah, I know. You fucking Muppet. You absolute ding-dong. Anyway, so I got a top ten. No, but can I just say

there was one card in the horror pack. Yeah. It was brilliant. They had Dracula and he was like the fear factor was highest for him. Yeah.

King Kong. Oh, I like that. And it had one that was called Venusian Death Cell. Oh, I don't know what that is. It was just a death cell, yeah. What's a death cell? It was weird. It had these weird ones that weren't recognisable, that they kind of just padded it out, and those were the best ones. I might have to look that up at some point. We should, yeah. Anyway, so I got this. It's Top Trump's Kings and Queens of Comedy. So it's stand-ups and

comedians. So do you want to have a quick game of it? All right. Well, just pick a random card. Anyone? All right, I'm going to pick a random card. This one. Who have you got? Russell Brand.

Oh, fuck, you know who I got? Jack Whitehall. It's like, what's better, shit or vomit? Shit or shit? All right. Privileged twat or fucking messianic dick boy? Here we go. It says, Top Trump's file.

This is what it says about him. Top Trump's, Jack Whitehall, the boy who might have been, failed to land the movie role of Harry Potter. Oh, he was up for Harry Potter. Who gives a fuck? But the king of comedy, he was the king of comedy that year in 2012. You know, you won the fucking comedy UK awards. My dad.

My dad got me. Yeah. I saw him do stand-up once. And he's very slick and very professional and very good at doing stand-up. It's just that his topics have nothing... It's like,

I went to public school with Robert Patterson from Twilight. Oh my God. What's that funny? I can't relate to that. How's that fucking funny? That's not funny.

It's like observational comedy if you live in a golden tower staring down at the plebs. What else? He's no sign of... And then he got his dad on his show, didn't he? Oh, fuck that.

What was that all about? Thanks, Dad, for giving me this career so I'll get you on the TV show. I mean, I'm not interested in your dad. Fuck him.

Do I sound a bit bitter? Yeah, very. I do, yeah. He's on 8 Out of 10 Cats, League of Their Own and Bad Education, the movie which came out last year and was awful.

Well, it's a Britcom. What's the best Britcom of the last 10 years? Well, I would probably say Hot Britcom. What's the best Britcom of the last 10 years? Well, I would probably say Hot Fuzz. It's still just within the last 10 years,

I think that. Beforehand, I would have said Shaun of the Dead, easily. Yeah, but you know, those that stand out. But what is it about

British comedy films where basically we just go, oh, let's just do a movie version of a sitcom. It's like Rising Damp, Porridge, Dad's Army. Yeah, so what was

the Dad's Army reviews? What were they saying It was fine I mean the problem was It was just like Lovely little film Well cast Nicely performed

What's the point Yeah But it's been It's been reasonably successful In the UK Seven million pounds At the box office Well that's the point then

Which is alright But anyway And also They take a sitcom They make it a big movie version of it Like you know Inbetweeners Or whatever whatever

Whatever Bad Education What happens in every plot We go on holiday It's always go on holiday Always Are you education. What happens in every plot? We go on holiday. It's always go on holiday. All you're being served, they go on holiday. Kevin and Perry go on holiday. Yeah, every single fucking plot is about someone going on holiday.

Holiday on the buses. Excellent example, although they only go as far as Butlins. So you've got Whitehall. Yeah. Who have you got? Oh, Russell Brand. Do you want to hear what it says about him? Since his early days on MTV and BBLB,

Russell Brand electrocuted Victorian pickpocket. What? That's his character. Right. Meets preening dandy appearance, often controversial behaviour, has enthralled the nation. Oh. As well as many a young lady.

Brand's finest hour, however, was proving there was more to him than women in waistcoats when he appeared on Question Time. Yeah, I mean, I think he's reasonably funny as a stand-up. Right, fine. I just can't stand his voice. It's materials, all right,

but when he says it, I hate it. I just can't stand his voice and his voice. All right, so there are five topics to compare against. So, wit, wardrobe, wrinkles, shock and awe, and the overall top Trump's rating. So how do we play this?

We just pick one each. So I'll say, for example, wit, you say what his wit rating is and I'll say mine. And then whoever gets the highest... Yeah, do you want to do wit? Yeah. Alright.

24. 22, you win that one. Of course I do. Alright, let's do the one more then. So, the overall top Trump's rating. What's wrinkles? What the fuck is wrinkles? I don't know. more then. So the overall Top Trumps rating. What's wrinkles? What the fuck is wrinkles? I don't know.

That's like scraping the barrel. This is shit. Isn't it? This is nothing compared to the horror Top Trumps. This is a diminished brand. It is. So Top Trumps rating, what did you get? What do you mean Top Trumps rating?

The overall, overall. That's fucking stupid. I know. These cards are awful. They are awful. I'm not saying they're not. But these are Top Trumps. Wicked wardrobe.

Wrinkles Means nothing He gets one for that Because he's 12 You know what I mean Oh his age Yeah So what's the overall

Top Trump's rating The card gave him 85 Wow They do not like Jack Whitehall 63 Well I think that reflects

Well I think Brand is a bigger talent Yeah probably I would agree with that I would agree with that Yeah So I guess the price of that Shite

Yes £2 £2 Okay I say £2 Alright cool Next one Yeah, probably. I would agree with that. I would agree with that. Yeah. So, I guess the price of that shite. Yes. Two pounds. Two pounds. Okay. I say two pounds. All right, cool. Next one. It's this duck-shaped fried egg thing.

Oh, I like this. An egg shaper for shaped fried eggs. This is a second-hand item? It doesn't look that way. It was probably bought for someone. They never used it. They gave it to charity. I can't remember where I got that one from.

Now, this is like a rubber ducky, classic duck-shaped metal ring, just to describe it to people. It's an egg shaper for shaped fried eggs. It says what it says on the tin. It does what it says on the tin. It's also suitable for omelettes and pancakes. Well, that's lucky. Isn't it? It's multifaceted.

Yeah. Could I do something like a mud cake? Maybe. It's not a toy, though. It looks like it's got some sharp thing. You couldn't give it to your kid and say, put some mud in that. No, you could maybe do that. Make a mud duck. You could maybe do a little poo in it, flatten it out.

No, you wouldn't want your children playing with poo. I'm not talking about my kids. I'm talking about me. I'll do this. You play with your own poo. Is that what you're saying now? I'll squat over it, squeeze out a big fat duck. And it's got a nice picture illustrating all three of picture, nice picture, illustrating all three of those uses. So you've got some duck-shaped pancakes on the plate there. Yeah. A duck-shaped fried egg.

Nice. And a duck-shaped omelette, which looks a lot more suspiciously like a bunch of scrambled egg that they've stuck in. But you want me to guess the price? I do. What do you think that's cost? What's this little white thing? Can I open this? Yeah, you can open it.

That little white thing is just so you can pull it up and press it down. It's so you don't burn yourself on it. It's a little handle to lift it from the pan. Oh, that's good. It's a quality item. It's not bad. They've got these egg shapers in McDonald's, don't they? I believe so, yeah. That's how they just get them round. That's just how they get them round.

Yeah. It's come out. Oh, it's a nice little handle. It's nice quality. See See it rests in the pan A little white handle there Means you can lift it Without burning your fingertips But you know what Why would you want

A duck shaped egg That is my question It's like Circle Heart shaped For toast maybe Square egg Heart for romantic

Valentine's Day gestures Duck What He's a duck enthusiast Your husband or something Maybe you want to eat An egg putty in the bath That's good

Maybe You could, yeah. Get a rubbery duck egg. Or, you know, you wake up one morning and go, I'm fucking sick of circular fried eggs.

Oh, it makes me angry. I'm feeling like it needs to be duck shaped. I would say... Yeah. What are you going to say for that? £1.75? £1.75.

All right, okay. And the final thing today. It's good, Dad. I like that. Yeah, it's nice, that, isn't it? Nice little bit of obj duck. Hey! I didn't like anything.

No, no. You're right, I didn't. Stop. Not worth it. Stop. Anyway. Last item on the docket is this. Oh, I'm going to like this.

You are going to like this. Oh, I'm going to like this. I mean, it's pointless now, but it is the Ocean Batman video game, the Caped Crusader, for the... It's a CBM cassette, and I'll let you have a look through it.

But basically, it's the Batman video game on cassette for home computers in the 80s. And this is when he used to stick a cassette in, and it would go... Blblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblbl Sorry, is that your new jingle for Price of Shine? So who it is? Ocean Blake. It's a very good Nick. Yeah, Ocean made a lot of really good video game movie adaptations.

Did they? Yeah, like Robocop is a great example. That was a good one, wasn't it? Because that was obviously taken from the arcades at the time. But they did a really good home computer version of it. That Batman, I can't remember. You'd have to look into the cover, but I don't know if it's the same one that appeared on the NES.

So is there no way we could ever play this now? You'd probably have a simulator of it online. I could probably go online right now and see. Let me have a quick look. It's got a nice cover featuring the Penguin and the Joker and Batman. This is the one for the Ocean Software for the Commodore 64. It says CBM. Yeah, I think that might... I don't know what that means exactly.

All right, look, it's loading up. Here's what the game sounds like. That's pretty cool, man Nothing to do Nothing to do at all with the theme from Batman Which is a famous theme, isn't it? That one. No. Are you thinking of... Yeah, obviously.

This one's based on the 1989 game, though, off from the movie. Oh. That's why they're not using... Which is what? The one from the Tim Burton? Yeah, the Danny Elfman one. One of the most famous superhero themes of all time.

Is it? Yes. No, it's not. Yes, it is. The Batman theme is... Most people who know Batman... Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na. Yeah, the TV show.

That's the famous one. Not this bullshit you're doing. When you talk about movie Batman, that's the famous theme. I bet you, you go up to the man in the street and you go, what's this? They go, what, is that Star Wars or something? But then if you went, na-na-na-na-na-na-na, what's he going to get quicker? What's he going to get quicker, Paul? Just answer me.

At this point, he's going to punch me from just going, hey, mate, mate, mate, mate, na-na-na-na-na-na-na. A little fact about the original Batman theme. Yeah. People think that the horns goes... Yeah, but it's not horns. It's singers, isn't it? Yeah. Anyway, what's the price of this shite?

I would say it's a useless item. I mean, it's in good nick, but it's completely... Completely useless. I mean, when we talk shite, this is the ultimate piece of shit. It's pure landfill. It's just... This is, like, destined to end up in a gull's stomach. So what are you thinking?

75 p. Right then, here we go. Here are the answers. Alright, we'll start with the Batman cassette. We'll work backwards. I said 75p. The answer was 25p.

25p, so off that really is cheap. 25p, so off by 50 pence. Oh, God. That would still get you a point, though, right? I thought we'd do within 50p? No, no. Well, it's only if I get exactly right, I get an extra point. Well, I'm going to have to get the book out, the book of the rules.

Yeah, we don't have those anymore. Don't worry about it. All right, so got that one wrong. All right, the egg shaper. Egg shaper. You said £1.75. The answer was £1. On the nose, £1.

You're not... I'm not doing very well. And finally, the top Trump's card set. You said... £2. The answer was 50p. Bloody hell. They saw me coming, didn't they? No, they saw me coming.

Apparently. I paid for this crap. Yeah, but I would have paid more. Yeah, so the joke's on you. I overestimated all three items. Oh, what a shame, but we learnt something. You know what it is? It's Southampton waiting.

Is that what it is? All of this stuff, yeah. In London? You've got it downtown, in London town, where things are proper and people wear good clothes and prices are higher. Your argument sucks. You know, I've got a London, I've got a cosmopolitan brain.

I see this stuff is more expensive. I'm sorry. You should be. You should be weighted. Right. Right, that was the price of shite. The bottom line is, yeah, you fucked it. I didn't do very well.

It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. Oh, it's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. Oh, it's the fucking price of shite. And that's right. So, as always, we like to usually hand over to Ash, don't we, for a little bit of a factoid sensation from him. A bit of a factoid session.

Yeah, a bit of a factoid session. Fortunately, he couldn't be on the Skype today. He's too busy sucking the cock of Christian O'Connell. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. Give us gigs. Oh, I'm just jealous. Ash did, however, leave a message on my answer phone. Yeah, and he's going to...

What's in it? Well, I said the topic this week is games and things like that. Okay. Although apparently it's mostly been Batman. As it goes. Yeah, Batman keeps cropping up, doesn't he? Yeah, so he's going to talk a little bit about video game conspiracies.

Let's see what he said on my answer phone. Hello, no one is available to take your call. Please leave a message after the tone. Hello, I have just found some stuff about gaming quickly and I have found some conspiracy theories, real

conspiracy theories which are based around computer games and computer games consoles from recent history. There's some really interesting stuff. Obviously we know that most of these probably will come from America because I feel like the best conspiracy theorists all live in America and a lot of these do. So for example, on Christmas Eve in the year 2000, it was reported that Saddam Hussein had ordered 4,000 PlayStation 2s. So Christmas Eve 2000 was the year that PlayStation 2 fully launched. And it was rumoured that he'd ordered these 4 000 ps2s because they

had a super powerful hard drive and if you bundle 20 of them together it meant that he could control military drones to drop missiles on his enemies um which is not true it turns out that he was just genuinely a massive fan of computer games, so ordered loads of them. And I did think that maybe, though, that would be why, you know, if he'd really invested his hopes for weapons of mass destruction in the hope that they could be controlled by GameCubes, that that might be why they never found any weapons of mass destruction when they finally invaded Iraq.

The next one I found is revolving around one of your favourite games, Paul, I know, The Legend of Zelda. When they laid out the maps of the game, they could find that there was lots of different things. So there was a lion and an eagle and things like that, the maps made the shape of. But one of them, it was reported in america uh laid out and it was the shape of a swastika so there was outrage where uh parents rallied together and demanded the game be taken from the shelves until someone pointed out to them that it

wasn't actually a swastika at all it was in reverse and it was actually a manji which is a buddhist symbol for good fortune so absolutely nothing uh untoward there at all um the next one i found this is uh this is a great one uh where on nintendo they often have these things where it's like uh games where you can sort of bring up a dog dog buddies and all that kind of game friends or whatever they're called there was a game that come out called Baby Pals, which is a game also produced for Nintendo, and it includes e-babies, where children can sort of bring up these babies virtually, and feed them, and put them to bed, and stop them crying and stuff.

And then it was again reported in America that a mother had complained, that it was regarded as a concerned mother but i think maybe a lunatic mother said that one of the babies kept saying islam is the light they caused it caused outrage and again uh she formed a group that demanded that the the game be taken from the shelves and that this was sort of spreading things obviously in america and other parts of the world people are scared of islam and um so they demanded that it be taken from the shelves until the makers of the game pointed out that in fact uh the noises on the game were all uh little tiny babies real babies intelligible speak, which had also been reversed and made sure

that there was absolutely no words to be taken out of it whatsoever. So it was just baby nonsense, and certainly didn't give any messages at all. The biggest one that I found, though, and the one that I definitely think is not a conspiracy theory, but is probably true, is this one for the game Fallout 3, which I believe was released in 1998. On the game there are numerous radio stations that you can listen into, and one of them plays Morse code and a series of numbers which seem to make no sense at all. However, it was discovered that some of the codes weren't as much nonsense as you might think. Because some people found that on one of the stations it said, and I'll read this code to you. 1-2-0-5-5-2-8-2-0-1-0 said, and I'll read this code to you, 12055282010. Then Morse code spelt out, what you talking

about? And then you'll be missed. And some people say that this predicted the death of different strokes actor, Gary Coleman, who died on the 28th of May 2010. Or, if you want to put it another way, 5282010. Ooh, they predicted Gary Coleman's death. What are you talking about, Willis? It also predicted the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico a full two years before the events occurred so I think maybe we need to be looking at the makers of Fallout and see what they know and how they come about that information so that's just a little bit about conspiracy theories if you want to find out more

there is so much online there's things about uh things that are hidden in computer games I looked at a game I think called Earthbound and apparently there's like the music in the background is taken from rape scenes of films and they've just taken the music track off of those films and put them in the game which all seems a little bit dark

but you will also find things that are absolutely mad, things like when you play Pokemon you are actually affecting real life events uh from alien invaders and things like that so well worth looking up there's a lot of fun to be had with computer games conspiracy theorists and uh hopefully some of them are a little bit more harmless than uh some of the other conspiracy theorists you hear so it's good to speak to you guys uh love the show. Keep up the work. And I'll see you all soon, I'm sure.

Well, wasn't that factually interesting? That was... Ooh, I'm enlightened. I shall be boring people at the next local dinner party. Local dinner party? I don't know. It must be a local dinner party. Don't be the localist of dinner parties with those facts.

Oh, fuck dinner parties. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, fuck them. You don't get invited to many, do you? I don't ever get invited to any of them. Alright, so now it's time for Cheap Eats. This is the bit of the show where

we select cheap and unusual foodstuffs and we taste them. Or we eat them, you know, and we give it a grade and unusual foodstuffs. Yeah. And we taste them. Or we, yeah, eat them, you know. And we give it a grade and then we throw up. Sometimes Paul gags. Yeah, I often gag. He doesn't like slimy stuff.

No, I don't. Anything that's a bit sort of in between liquid and solid, that's what Paul gets gag going. If I can't determine the mass, I don't like it. Okay, so. All right, what have you got? I've gone to a local shop near me where they have lots of different Eastern European and Turkish. Alternatives to brands that we recognise.

Yes, and it just made me think today. We were growing up, Paul, in the 70s, which was a decade. I grew up mostly in the 80s because I was born in the 70s. They all blend together. For you, because you're drunk. Even when you were five. Daddy, daddy. In the 70s stroke 80s. All right, okay you're drunk. Even when you're five. Daddy! Daddy! In the 70s stroke 80s.

Okay, go on. You'd go to the shop, there'd be like a few things in there. A few little brands of Panda Pops. Or like a finger of fudge. Just enough, yeah. Now, you go in, well, there's all this shit. Too much choice. There's all sorts of stuff, yeah.

It's too much. Right, so where are we going to start? That's a good question. Here we go. This is a peanut bar, and it's too much right so where are we going to start it's a good question here we go this is a peanut bar and it's called mr john you want me to put mr john in my mouth yes it's not mr john which already is like that's a that's a first name yeah well i suppose some people are called john and obviously there's a musician called dr john isn't it yes you know i don't know if he is a doctor he's a doctor of funk that's true all right so it's a musician called Dr. John, isn't there? Yes. I don't know if he is a doctor. He's a doctor of funk. That's true. Right, so it's a peanut bar. It looks

alright. It looks fine. It's got peanuts and caramel. It's Mr. John. Isn't there also a British? Mr. Tom. Mr. Tom. They don't fucking... It's like we need to do a knock-off brand. You know, so there's already Mr. Tom out there on the market. What should we call this one? Mr. John. That'll do, John. Mr. Keith. Shut up, Keith. You've had your say, and we're going with Mr. John. What about Mrs. Cynthia?

Get out. Get out, love. Right. Make us a fucking cup of tea. We'll hand you a little bit. I've had a bit. Like always in the show, we're going to put pictures up so you can look on the website for pictures that accompany this episode so you know what we're putting in our mouths. Let's have a little taste. What do you think of that? It's exactly like I thought it're going to put pictures up so you can look on the website for pictures that accompany this episode so you know what we're putting in our mouths.

Let's have a little taste. What do you think of that? It's exactly like I thought it was going to taste. It tastes like peanut brittle. It is essentially peanut brittle, isn't it? If I couldn't afford

a Mr. Tom, I could happily go with Mr. John as an alternative. That's quite nice. For what it is, yeah. It's great. It was quite brittle. I was expecting it to be

a bit more gummy. That's why they call it peanut brittle. Well, they call it Mr. John. They don't call it... Well, my mum used to make it for school fairs and things like that. Big tray of it. Your mum used to make peanut brittle? Yeah.

You get a load of peanuts. I'll just leave that there. Why? I don't know. It amuses me. Her name was Mr. Tom. She had a little trade in making peanut brittle. It's easy.

You just go like that. Your mum's name is mr tom gannon yeah right okay so i need to rate this don't i right yes you know for the brand that it is i'm going to compare it i would give that an eight it's completely fine i don't particularly like these kind of snacks but you're asking me to rate it against the popular brand i'd give that an eight okay and i would give it seven okay why just you're not impressed With it overall Or you It's nice actually isn't it Or you're in Mr Thomas Pocket I'm not in Mr Thomas Pocket

Now Moving on Moving on Item number 2 This is a biscuit And it's called Eugenia Eugenia There it is

That's a very strange name Isn't eugenics like The whole It's the racist science Of brain size Yes Yeah And the idea of like

If you're blonde and muscular And we want to breed people like that. Yeah, we breed you. Because that's what I think about. It's a eugenic... Chocolate bar. Eat that and you'll go blonde and muscular and... You're a genius. And you've got in here, we've got two,

so I'll just give you one of these whole ones and I'll get one out myself. So, it's a little... It looks like two rich tea biscuits. What is that smell, though? Oh, it's that fake... It's that kind of fake... Oh, it's like a toilet. It's like those pens. It's just that very fake smell of knock-off chocolate cream.

Well, that's what's inside this, isn't it? So it's a chocolate sandwich with two sort of essentially rich tea-style biscuits. And like eugenics, it's two white biscuits crushing the chocolate centre and getting it put out the way. Oh, my God. Right, taste. Right, taste. That's fucking horrible.

I love it. We've got a gag yet. No, I'm not going to gag, but that fucking... It's a very chemically sort of taste, isn't there? That is... It's all... I think he's gagging. Oh, Eugenia, she has a cruel mistress. That tastes fucking horrible.

There's no two ways about it. Describe it. The biscuit doesn't taste of anything. You can't taste the biscuit other than the texture of it. It's just, yeah, your face. It's horrible. Yeah, it's not good. And the chocolate centre doesn't taste of chocolate. It's got a horrible crumbly texture of it. It's just... Yeah, your face. It's horrible. Yeah, it's not good. And the chocolate centre

doesn't taste of chocolate. It's got a horrible, crumbly kind of wet... I don't know, the wet's not the right word, but it's the only way I can describe it, kind of. It's crumbly,

but also watery. Right. It's got a very watery, fake sugary taste to it. And also that smell, the kind of chemically... Gross, man. I do not...

That's nasty. That's a very bad item. Just like eugenics, I'm against it. I'm against it. Oh, God. I do not like that. That's nasty. That's a very bad item. Just like eugenics. I'm against it. I'm against it. Oh, God. I'm going to give that one. I'll give it two.

It's not a satisfying snack in any way. Really not. It's got a real aftertaste. I already think it's going to give me the shits if I eat any more of that. Right. Well, this will help give you the shits. This is a lovely item. Oh, what have you got?

I have sweet mango sheet. Do you? That's it. Sweet mango sheet. That's what these are. Alright. Yeah, it does say that on the package. Also, it has a little motto. It says think mango, think jelly man. Are the manufacturers of this.

Oh good, because it sounds like a nightmare character from some Clive Barker thing. Think mango, think jelly man. If you say jelly man in the window three times. The jelly man, he comes. Is that the jelly man? I am the jelly man. No, don't do it, Sam, no.

That is gross. That is awful, awful shit. What, Eugenia? Yeah, I still can taste it. We're moving on to the sweet mango sheet now. Every time I open my mouth to talk, another bit of biscuit falls down from somewhere and it's like, oh. Alright, mango jelly man.

Now, it's got a nice silver, gold tie on the pack. Yeah. It's a lovely looking product, this. Okay. And in fact it's vacuum sealed, so that is purely for show. So that little tassel's decorative?

It's entirely decorative. That's so shit. It's the people at Jellyman. Oh. And here we go. It's a little tray of fruit rolls. Oh, they are. Mango sheet.

There you go, Paul. Oh. Look, I mean, I know to expect that smell, but... It's that smell of mashed fruit. Yeah. It's like that smell of mashed fruit. Yeah. It's like that smell of, like, apple concentrate or something. Are you going to unroll your sheet? I'm going to unroll my sheet, yo.

It looks like a little pancake when you stretch it out. It's like a mango pancake. Oh, there you go. Eat some. I'm alive. I'll put it on my face. It looks like a big scab. It looks like a big scab.

Paul is about to try Mr. Jellyman's famous mango sheet. Sweet mango sheet. Sounds like a dealer, doesn't it? Hey, mango to Jellyman, get some good sheet, yo. Stop being racist. I'm not being racist. All of the voices you've done since I got the Jellyman mango sheet out have been vaguely

Caribbean. Ah, Guan. Come on, come on. Right, here we go. What do you think of that? It's not horrible. No, itam. Come on, come on. Right, here we go. What do you think of that? It's not horrible. No, it is. It's horrible. Really? What, just not sweet enough?

Give me something. Give me something. Describe it. It's got that kind of fruit roll-up kind of texture, that kind of half bitey, half chewy texture. That's fine. The flavour, though, is just kind of bland with a kind of hint of mango at the end. Not mango-y enough for you?, is just kind of bland with a kind of hint

of mango at the end. Not mango-y enough for you. No, do you want to have a bite of that? Even though it's been on my face, you just take a big bite out of it.

You know what I mean? It's not awful. And if I was stoned, I'd eat every single one of these lickety-split. Really? It's a bit undersweetened,

isn't it? That's what I mean. It's like, you kind of get the texture. It's like a healthy product. You know, they don't want to put sugar in. No, no. Have you had Fruit Roll-Ups? Yeah, they're just... They are lovely, isn't it? That's what I mean. It's like, you kind of get the texture. Well, it's like a healthy product. You know, they don't want to put sugar in. No, no.

Have you had Fruit Roll-Ups? Yeah, they're just... They are lovely, aren't they? Lovely, but nothing more... They're just pure sugar. This is actually, I think it's got a high... Let's look at the ingredients.

Yeah. They look like little cinnamon rolls. Oh, it has got sugar and salt. Oh. And citric acid and preservatives. So, yeah,

it's not that natural at all. And sulfites. Bloody hell. Mr. Jellyman. I'm going to kill you. Yeah, Mr. Jellyman's out to get you. Right, give me that. That's not too bad, it's not that natural. And sulfites. Bloody hell. Mr Jelly Man. I'm going to kill you. Yeah, Mr Jelly Man's out to get you. Right, give me that. That's not too bad.

It's not too bad. I would probably give that just a middle of the road five. I think that's a bit too low. Sorry. That biscuit. Eugenia. It's that biscuit getting back. Oh, I think I actually verped just then.

I actually quite like that. I'm getting into this jelly roll sheet. You're getting into Mr. Jelly Man's roll. It's quite nice. Got a lot of mango taste. As I say, it's fine. It's fine. Five for me.

Okay, I'm going to say seven. All right, good. I think that's my favourite so far. It's the best so far. Is that the last of it or you've got one more? No, I've got one more. Ooh. It's Danak Potty.

Danakroids what? Danak Potty. Oh, not Danakroids Potty. This is... Save those mango sheets. I'm Potty. Oh, not Danakroids Potty. This is... Save those mango chips. I'm going to. Don't be throwing those in the bin. I'm not throwing them away.

They're safe. You go and own with them. All right, good. Our last item is made by Ulka. Ulka. Ulka. Now, me and Paul have been getting into... I'll let you talk about that.

We've been getting into Ulka. Ulka's a... Is it Turkish or Greek? I believe it's a Turkish company. And they're a big... They're the cabris of Turkey cabris of turkey basically yeah they're a big company they make a lot of different stuff chocolate yeah and we recently we've been buying their chocolate yeah and my god it's it's absolutely delicious isn't it i genuinely love it i don't like dark chocolate at all that they do a dark one but they do a dog chocolate that is just gorgeous it's like

cabris eat your stinking heart it's like Cadbury's Eat Your Stinking Heart Out. It's like a kind of, it's a less bitter Bourneville. Yeah. But without it being sweeter, if that makes sense. It's just a perfectly balanced product, isn't it?

Choc Snack. It's lovely. We recommend Ulka quite a lot. Yes. And they did this one with the pistachio. Have you tried that?

Yeah, I like the pistachio. That's delicious. I've yet to try one of their bars that I don't like. Anyway, so, this is also made by Ulka, this last thing, this Danak potty. Danak-roid potty. Potty has, the O has an umlaut or something above it, so I don't know what that does.

And this is some kind of, it looks like a fig, orange and grape flavoured mini cake. Come on, it's Olka though, Paul. You have to, look. Yeah, but the minute you said fig, my belly went, no, no, no. It no happen. Oh, come on. Do you know what? What?

Do you like figs? You don't like figs? No. Fig rolls, nothing like that. They're just weird. I like figs. Yeah. The other day, this guy offered me a date.

Insert gag here. The fruit. Yeah, I know. That's why I didn't make that gag. OK. Low-hanging fruit. Basically, figs. Like figs. Yeah. That, I know. That's why I didn't make that gag. Okay. Low-hanging fruit. Basically, pigs. Like feet.

Yeah. That was very clever. I'm going to give my round of applause. Yay! So, he offered me a date. Yeah. The fruit. Like in...

And then he fucked you. Indiana Jones. Yeah. Oh, was it poisoned? No. A monkey ate it. But I thought, oh, I don't really like dates, but I'll eat this. It can't be that bad.

It was bad and worse. They are disgusting. And they have big stones in them. Of all the fruits in the world. It's gross. It's waxy. No. And kind of sickly sweet as well.

I don't know. I just do not. I can't stomach it. I do not like them. No. What diet do I like? Figs. Dates. Oh. Yeah, you twat. I like figs. I'm being fucked it. I do not like them. I know. What diet I like? Figs. Dates.

Oh. Yeah, you twat. I like figs. I'm being fucked by men. Try that again. Shut up. Try it again. Yeah.

What diet I like? Going on dates with women. Shut up. Because you don't do that either, do you? Do you want to eat some of this potty or what? I want to eat Dan Aykroyd's potty. Here we go. Now, it's a cake.

It looks all right. It looks nice. I'm going to have some. All right, so this is Orca. Grape, fig, and's a cake. It looks all right. It looks nice. I'm going to have some. All right, so this is Orca, grape, fig and orange. Yes. All right, okay. That's all right. It's okay, isn't it?

That's completely okay. It's okay. It's got that kind of Christmassy cake sort of taste with the citrus, which I just don't like. That's fine. It's not too dry. The sponge is nice. It's okay. The sponge is nice.

As a sort of, you know, with a cup of tea, that would go down the street, wouldn't it? Yeah, with a nice cup of tea, maybe in front of, you know, Antiques Roadshow. Actually, that's quite nice. Oh, you've changed your mind. Mmm. Yeah, I like it.

I mean, it's fine. I don't think I'm going to eat the rest of this because I still can taste the eugenics in my mouth. Eugenic mouth. Yeah. He's got eugenics mouth. Right, so. So I'm going to give that, out of ten,

I'm going to give it six. I'll have a seven again. I thought that was nice, actually. All right, cool. They're good, Ulker. They're good. Rock on, Ulker. They should fucking take over Cadbury's.

No, they should be a secret that we only know about and the listeners of this podcast. And we enjoy it and it doesn't get bought out by the man. Yeah. Yeah. So just keep it on the down low. Because then it'll get bought by Hershey's and then they'll start adding sugar to it and making... God, Hershey's sucks. It's just wax candles with chocolate in it.

That's awful. Bullshit. Fuck you, Hershey's. Right, so let's just have a little recap of tonight's... Yeah, so we had... We started off with... Teepees. Started off with Mr. Tom or John.

Mr. John. Mr. John's nut crickle. That was good. I gave that an eight. It's an absolutely standard peanut brittle. Which is fine. And you should know, your mum used to make it. Yeah.

What was hers like? Nice. Similar to that? Exactly the same. I mean, it's only... Maybe a bit harder. A bit harder, yeah. A bit tougher, yeah.

That's quite soft in a nice way. My mum's was a bit more brittle okay and it must be a quite a basic sort of recipe it really fucking is sugar and peanuts i guess pretty much what does it say there oh make and train traces of nuts by the way if you're allergic shit i should have read that when i was gonna eat a peanut bar how stupid are those things like you get cans of anchovies, yeah? And it says, contains fish.

Yeah. It's a can of fish. Remember when we live in a fucking stupid world where everyone has to cover all their bases? Peanuts, sugar, liquid glucose,

flavouring, and glucose liquid. Yeah, it's liquid sugar basically sticking some peanuts in. Melt some sugar down, flop some peanuts in. Okay, so I think

I gave that... Seven. Six. You gave it an eight. I gave it an eight, yeah. Then eugenics. Then the eugenia, which really was

disgustingly shit. This was the villain of the piece today. Oh, this was the joker. The eugenia, if it's overwhelming, it's almost like a nasty... It's unpleasant, full stop.

Let's just move on. Fuck it, move on. We're not going to talk about eugenics anymore. Next up. Jelly Man. Jelly Man's famous sweet mango sheet. Which I thought was actually really nice.

I gave that, what, six or five? I can't remember now. And then we finished with Dankek Potty. Dan Aykroyd's Potty. And I like that a lot. Yeah, I gave it six. It's a nice moist cake bar, sort of little cake, individual cake.

And that's it. Yeah, cheap eats. What was your favourite? The toilet, when I go in any moment now to fire this shit out. Come on, be serious. Probably... It's Mr John, isn't it?

Yeah, Mr John. You're so unimaginative, man. Well, all right, if I had to not's Mr John isn't it yeah Mr John you're so unimaginative man well alright if I had to not pick Mr John I would go with the Ulka bot cake the cake yeah

it's a quality item yeah so there you go you've learnt absolutely nothing but it did kill 15 minutes of time cheap eats

yay ha ha ha ha the fun and games continue on Cheap Show. Yay! Yay! So, I've got a game. Have you heard of a game called Roller Roll? Have you ever heard of this?

Roller Roll? No. So it's a board game from America, popular in the 70s, I believe. The idea was it was like one of these Christian moral roleplay games. You get given a moral quandary, and you have two dice, and you roll one dice and it tells you who A, let's just say for argument you, Eli, would be in this argument

and then you roll the second dice and it tells me who I'm going to be in the argument. And who plays Jesus? No, I don't think anyone plays Jesus.

I think it's more about... For instance, I think one of the topics was Samantha finds out... Oh, roll a roll. R-O-L-L-A-R-O-L-E. I got it, yeah. See what I mean? I got it so it'd be like katherine steals something

you roll a dice a and you're katherine's mother what do you do and i roll a dice and i'm like the head of the church and so you have to explain to me and we have a role play yeah and it's that kind of thing so i i couldn't get that because it's expensive on ebay but i did go online and find a thing uh where they have guidance groups and they have handouts for schools. And there's one here called Don't Get Mad. It's an anger alternatives game. It's how to deal with children and anger and problems and things like that.

I thought what we'd do is do a bit of improv. You know, me and you, we allegedly do comedy, and I thought we could use our improv skills. Mate, stop trying to big it up. Let's just do it. All right. People listening at home might think we're use our improv skills. Mate, stop trying to big it up. Let's just do it. All right. Just people listening at home might think we're good.

Twat. So what's the aim of the game? Avoid anger? I can tell you. Problems with anger management are one of the common reasons for children to be referred to counsellors. You know, apparently.

Whatever causes children to have problems controlling their anger is imperative that they learn anger management techniques. This game's format is one of the most useful ways to teach kids emotional intelligence skills. The game is designed to be used with children in counselling sessions in the classrooms or at homes.

All right? Okay. So what do I have to do? It's for one to five players. I'm going to read the rules to you right now. I've printed this all off the internet. The first player tosses a penny so it lands on one of the number grids. Okay.

You got a penny? Yeah. You have got money on you. Oh, no. He's such a penny. Yeah. You have got money on you. Oh, no. He's such a tramp. How does he have money? This is why I've got anger management problems, because you fucking complete denig...

You're denigrating me. This is why I picked... I'm a tramp, am I? Yeah. And an ugly tramp at that. And a what? What else? Drunk, am I?

Yeah, and you smell of cats. I don't smell of cats. I don't have a cat. All right, because cats are clean. You smell of wet dog. There you go. You smell of a wet dog, you drunken hobbit. You smell like white chocolate vomit. Oh,

I don't want to be that. Well, you are that. You are. Anyway, let me read the rules out so we know what we're doing. The first player tosses a penny till it lands on one of the numbers on the grid that I've printed out that I've got here. If it lands on the centre square, toss again. The same player tosses... This isn't right for kids. It's a lot of tossing. I'd got here. If it lands on the centre square, toss again. The same player tosses... This isn't right for kids. It's a lot of tossing.

I'd be angry. The same player tosses a penny the second time. Note the two numbers that the pennies land on. The two numbers indicate a situation the players will respond to. So if you roll a one and a seven, you go to 17. Zero and three,

you go to situation three. Read the situation to the player. When the player has responded to the situation, he or she receives a point. If the player does not want to respond to a situation, I don't want to respond. he or she may pass their turn.

They do not deserve a point and they get a slap. So I am going to slap you. They do not get a slap. That's what it says here in pen that I wrote on. Get a slap. Remind the player

that there's no right or wrong answers. Feel free to discourage, no, sorry, to encourage discussion and follow-up questions. The first player to receive five points is the winner. We're not going to go that far. We're just going to do one or two.

Come on. Give me the thing. Right, there's the grid. I'm going to roll. I mean, toss. Toss. Toss in front of me. Oh.

Roll. Don't get mad because it rolled in the middle. Two. Right, roll a second one. Seven. Seven. 27. So what is situation 27?

I'm ready. I'm going to avoid getting angry, yeah? Or just think of something emotionally intelligent. Yeah, okay. Okay, so Joe and Tom were best friends. Who am I? Hang on, let me read the fucking thing out first, you fucking idiot jumping ahead of it. Just let me read it out.

Pace yourself. Getting me mad. Just do it. Here's number 27. Joe and Tom were best friends until Tom made a new friend. Joe felt like never hanging out with Tom again.

What do you think Joe should do? So here's what we're going to do, right? So who should you play out with? I'm Joe. You're going to be Joe. I'm going to, yeah. Right, so you be Joe. And you've made a new friend.

You're Tom. You've made a new friend. No, that's it. I'll be Joe and you have to tell me what I should do about this situation. All right? So you're made a new friend. You're Tom. You've made a new friend. No, that's it. I'll be Joe, and you have to tell me what I should do about this situation, alright? So you're another mate in school, and I'm John. Mate, you're making this way too complicated. No, I'm not. This is the best way to do it. To role

play it, I'm going to be Joe. I'm going to be like, oh, I can't believe it. Okay, go on then. Alright, okay, so. Right, so where am I? I'm in the playground. Yeah, so, uh, I'm going to be Joe. Oh, I can't believe it. I can't believe my best friend Tom's made a new friend. I'm very, very sad.

Well, I don't fucking care. I don't know you. Fuck off. What, are you an adult in a school? And you just walked into the school? Well, I have got to do a kid's voice, do I? Yes, you do. Well, I don't fucking know you.

That's my voice. You do a different one. Well, I don't fucking know you. That's the same voice. I don't know you. I That's my voice. You do a different one. I don't fucking know you. That's the same voice. I don't know you. I'm a little nerdy kid. Say what? You be Joe.

Yes. And I'll offer you advice. You're angry. We need it to be first hand. Yeah. So you be Joe. No, you be Tom. You say I've got a new friend.

To me, Joe. All right. That's it. Great idea. All right. All right. So let's just. Oh, I like playing with this.

Oh, I've got a car. Oh, by the way, Joe. What? I've got a new friend. What? You fucking cunt! No! This is not happening to me. No. No. You... No. You tell him now.

He's not your friend anymore. He's not. No. No. No. But, he's got Lego. He's not your friend anymore He's not No No No But He's got Lego I don't fucking care If he's got a Lego

Millennium Falcon He does He does And He gives me half his sweets I'm going to Hurt you Fucking hell

Jesus Yeah Did I When do I get a point for that No Why You abused a child Mentally So no points I win? Do I get a point for that? No. Why? You abused a child mentally. No points. I get no points. You get no points for that. How am I going to fucking learn if I get no points?

You're not even rewarding me. Yeah, but you're not. Let's try again, okay? Shall we do another scenario? Go on. Don't get mad. Zero. Zero. Three. Three. Thirteen. Number three.

Right, what does it say? John's teacher has been accused of touching girls in the changing room. Oh, yeah. Paul's made a joke. It's about nonsense. Oh, what's the first comedy subject that comes to Paul's mind? Nonsense. Yeah, I know. I need a bigger wheelbarrow, don't I? You certainly do. All right, let's the first comedy subject that comes to Paul's mind? Nantes. Yeah, I know.

I need a bigger wheelbarrow, don't I? You certainly do. All right, let's do it properly. Number three. John's teacher accused him of talking when he wasn't. John felt like complaining. What should John do? So, you're John.

I'm the teacher. Yeah. We'll do this thing. All right, ready? Yeah. John, all eyes up front please I'm teaching this class Are you teaching this class John

No No Well then behave Alright I wasn't talking I caught you talking to Tim No listen to me Tim

I'm going to get my dad Yeah Right He's going to come in here He's going to fucking brutalise you I was going to do that Tom He's going to brutalise you Mr Smith Right

He's going to come here And he doesn't give a shit about this stuff you're teaching me, right? Tom. So he's going to come in here and he's going to fuck you up. Tom. Big school. Tom, that's a great threat, Tom, but we all know your dad's in prison and you come from a broken home, Tom, and you're empty promises, and I don't care. I know your mum's had to take up prostitution.

My mum's a martial artist. No, she's not. Yes, she is. No, she's not. Yes, she is. No, she's not. She'll come and fuck your shit right up. It's a handjob's martial arts, because that's what your mum does, Tom. She fucking wanks off sailors, Tom.

Right, do I get a point for that? Do I get a point for this? No. Tom, you're out of order, mate. Fuck you, Tom. This is my class. You come in here with your threats about your broken home and your shit East Chab family,

and you're all that. How about, Tom? How about this? Homework. No, detention every night for a month. And it won't be with me. It'll be Mr. Graham from next door. You know Mr. Graham?

Is he a paedophile? Yeah, he's the fiddler. Ka-chung. Right, so. Let's do one more. One more. All right. So far, we're working out all of them.

It's quite good I'm working out some issues Yeah you are Apart from how to toss a fucking coin Well here we go Can't hit the numbers Four One

41 41 Okay Is it a good one? Yeah I want to see Frank slipped in the cafeteria And everybody laughed at him Okay Is it a good one? Yeah, we'll just see Frank slipped in the cafeteria And everybody laughed at him Frank felt like telling everyone to shut up

How should Frank respond? You're Frank Okay Right, you're in the cafeteria You've just got your dinner Alright, okay So, we'll have you fall over Oh!

Ah, na-na-na-na-na Frank is a wanker. He can't use his legs. Shut up. Frank comes from a broken home. Frank doesn't have a henny hair. Frank. No!

I'm going to take my bum out! Look at that! I'm doing a poo! I'm doing a poo! Don't laugh and laugh at my shit! Eat my shit! Eat it! I'll be honest, I did not expect

for it to go worse. Did I get a point for that? You reacted to everyone laughing at him by pulling out your arse and taking a shit in the dinner hall in front of all your friends. That's anger management. I've managed my anger. You will get sent to a special school

for children with deep psychological problems. Right. So this games episode is going well. I, I could do this all day. We should play that again.

Let's do this again another time. Yes. Alright. That's fun, that is. I'm deeply traumatising at the same time. Oh, don't get mad.

Get even. And that brings us to an end of another episode of The Cheap Show. So, that was the game episode. That was the game episode. And who won? You did. Did I? Really, though? You set the price of shite, defeated me. That is... Although my Russell brand... Wiped the floor with me.

With your poor White House. Not poor White House. Jack White Hall. There's a white person involved. White Hall. Yeah, White Hall. So there you go. Yeah.

That's another episode. We're back in a fortnight with another episode. It's going to be our Easter special, I believe. So it's going to be egg-based, probably. Bunny-based. Chocolate-based. Chocolate bunny and egg-based. Chocolate bunny egg-based.

You know, the usual Easter shit. If you liked us, please review and subscribe to us on iTunes. Seriously, if you liked this episode, you enjoyed it, what we'd like from you is to just go to iTunes Store and give us five stars. Oh, can you review stuff there? Yeah, people haven't reviewed us yet, and I think we deserve...

If you listen to an hour of this, you can have 30 seconds going on to iTunes and rating us. Because it bumps us off. Just before ending your own life. Before ending your own life. In a garage with a power tool. Right in the fucking neck. I've thought this through.

So yeah, if you enjoyed this, please subscribe to us on iTunes or on Stitcher or on SoundCloud or the podcast app of your choice. We'd really appreciate it. You can follow us at The Cheap Show Pod on Twitter. We update that every now and then with pictures and stuff. Eli? Yeah. I thought you were going to add something then. I've got nothing. What's your Twitter? EliSnoid.

E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. And I'm at PaulGannonShow on Twitter. You can follow us there as well, individually Yeah. And I'm at Paul Gannon Show on Twitter. You can follow us there as well, individually. Also, if you go to Gannon Planet on Instagram, that's my Instagram account where I put pictures up from the show as well. Careful not to get that confused with Gannon Planet, which is a particularly gruesome website.

What else? Oh, the website's been updated as well. We've updated the website now. If you go to thecheapshow.co.uk you can listen to all the podcasts we have there we also have special pages dedicated to each episode

where we put pictures and videos on that if you'd like to see what the Mr Jellyman sweet mango sheets actually look like yeah or you know what Supergran looks like or Darren and his bat cave

that's all going to be on the website lots of fun things there as well. Blogs and more about the show and other guests and things like that. Wrap it up. Wrap it up. And that's it. That's another podcast out of the way. Thank you again for listening to the Economy Comedy Podcast. I've been Paul Gannon.

And I'm Eli Silverman. Why don't you suck our dicks? I need to work on a better tag. We'll see you next time.