CheapShow - Ep 170: Hollywood Swinging

Episode Date: March 20, 2020

Every now and then, it's good to just take a step back and have a nice and relaxed episode of CheapShow... and this is the closest we are going to get. This week on CheapShow Paul & Eli decide to have a nice and chill episode. That means the usual collection of rants, mad ideas and disgusting tangents. The cheap chaps tackle a few tales from the dance and shop floor, Paul refuses to stop singing his own made up disco track and we get a Gannon's Golden Games double feature... Which is a bit underwhelming! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-170-hollywood-swinging If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Paul is writing a book! Want to help make it happen? https://unbound.com/books/ghosts/

What are you doing? Grunting. You what? Have you started recording? No. I wouldn't record without you. I have to go to the loo. Why don't you go to the loo then?

What are you going to do? One or two? I'm not going to disclose that. I'll edit it out. I'm not going to disclose it. I just want to know if I can stop recording. If I believe you when you say I'm going to edit it out, ever. I'm just saying.

As if I'd ever trust you. The answer to the question will tell me to stop the recording or to do the intro while you're doing your business. If it's a number one, I can ramble through it. If it's number two, I'll stop. Stop the recording. He's going for a shit. Welcome to Cheap Show.

That's the intro. That's the intro. Fuck you. Welcome to Cheap Show. Oh, fuck's sake. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of cheap show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept.

Cheap show. you're gonna have to learn to fucking accept! It's the price of Shite Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheat Show And a go and a nuzzle Oh hi guys, it's Eli Hello, yes, welcome back to Cheat Show How are you doing?

Well, what an interesting and funny introduction that was. No. Where Eli took a shit. So, he wanted to do another intro, but I'm just going to not allow that to happen by just always mentioning it. Do you know why I really genuinely despise you sometimes? Yeah, it's because I'm a... You're a cunt. You're a cunt to me. An enfant terrible.

Yeah, and I try and glamorise it acting like a dick. I'm not. There's nothing glamorous about it. Yes, mate. No. I'm on fire. You're not.

Absolutely on fire. Why do I have to, I'm just trying to, you know, do, it's like offstage me taking a shit before the podcast,

yeah? There's no, what, are you going to just, why don't you just follow me around all day with a fucking mic? That's a great idea.

I burp and I grunt and I spoff off sometimes. Highest viewing figures ever for Cheap Show Podcast. What? No one's viewing our podcast, Paul. Listening figures. Thank you. Biggest listening figures forever. I wanted to come across.

As Nation tunes in to hear a man squirts out ejaculate from his sad meters. Sad meters. Sad meters. To the tune his sad meters. Sad meters. Sad meters. To the chain of Blue River. Sad meters dripping full of goo. There's nobody

but you around. Oh, blue meters. Paul McCartney. You can't beat us. Elton John uh you sniff my flaters paul mccartney paul mccartney out to john mammy still can't get my head around the concept of that i don't know what i don't know what it was because like todd in the shadows youtube channel we both watch he says that the problem with disco

was not so much that disco was inherently a bad genre, but because a lot of bad artists did a lot of awful versions of songs with disco. I've spoken about this myself on this very podcast. You have. I believe you're going to mention it again at these points, but let's hear them. It was the penetration of disco into the culture.

Yeah. I don't think any genre has had that penetration since. of disco into the culture was, I don't think any genre has had that penetration since. No, it doesn't because you think about it, it's like Star Wars theme,

disco version. Yeah, everything. You know, there was like disco Bloody House We Saw, disco Al Jolson, disco Sound of Music. Yeah, so for example,

the drum and bass stroke, the sort of drum and bass scene in Britain in the late 90s. Yeah. Did have some crossover appeal. There was like that guy won the Mercury Prize and there was, you know what I mean? So that genre.

Yeah. Definitely was showing up and then it showed up on advert music and stuff. So it did have some cultural penetration. Oh, I see what you mean. Penetration. But nothing like disco. Disco was worldwide and literally it affected everything. Incidental music on TV, game shows.

Do you know what I mean? It's just total. Everything. Every music was disco-ified. And that's what people reacted against. Because it was like, it must have been really claustrophobic. Good example of this is Bond films in the late 70s, early 80s had that disco tinge to the score. So like an action scene was all of a sudden like you're watching Saturday Night Fever.

It's like, no. If anything, that dates the movie more than the content. You know what I mean? A score can really date a movie more than- Especially from that era. Yeah, especially from that era. Yes. And sometimes it's charming

because obviously you can watch Saturday Night Fever and go, great. Yeah. But then when you watch Bond and fucking 80-year-old Roger Moore is like trying to have sex with some fucking model. And then it's like... Anyway, disco, there's obviously good disco and bad disco.

And there's also so... Again, such a huge genre with so much put out over the time it was going, which is from about 75 to early. 79 or 80. Or 82, I'd say, properly. Even though they didn't call it that. They started calling it Boogie.

But that's, yeah. Anyway, after 79, they started calling it Boogie. And there's also so many different types of disco as well. There's something for everyone. What's your favorite type of disco? I like sort of more kind of underground deep disco.

And disco funk. What's a great example of disco funk off the top of your head? Disco funk is stuff like Cooling the Gang. Okay. Hollywood Swinging. You know that tune? Hollywood Swinging. It's funk, but it's disco. I'm gonna start singing about Hollywood Swinging. No, it doesn't go like that. And I'm gonna start singing About Hollywood swinging

No it doesn't go like that And I put my thing in And then I take it out Put it in Take it out Put it in What do you put it in? Shush dirty boy

Shut up there What thing? Where do you put your thing? I put my thing in And then I pull my thing out And where? It doesn't matter Out of where?

It's a dance move isn't it? What thing? You put your thing in And then you pull your thing out You haven't answered anything Hollywood You haven't answered a single question Hollywood wishes.

Hollywood what? Wishes. Isn't that the song? What was it called? Swinging. Hollywood swinging. And I've started singing. And what about this?

And then I put my thing in. And then I put my thing out. Poor. Well, you know, some fucker's got to sample that now. Go on, have a go at this. Quite is a nice track. Hollywood swinging. No one should.

No, you just ruined it now stop ruining my clean takes and one two no one's gonna do this you can't just ask them to sample your stupid singing halloween singing halloween hollywood swinging your arms you're making me uncomfortable uncross your arms hollywood swinging don't hold your arms out Like a scarecrow Hollywood swinging Or pose like Michelangelo's David That is isn't it I don't know No I don't think he does that

I don't think Paul has got He's like a little teapot He's got Like a dolly dancer What's this What am I doing with my arm My left arm

One's cut behind the back of your head Hand cut behind the head Yeah And the other one's on the hips Ooh You swing your knees in tight. And it's the pelvic frost. It really drives you insane.

Hollywood swinging. And then I put the thing in. And then I pull it out. Pull it in. I've asked you once. Yeah. I've asked you more than once. What thing?

What thing? Don't stop trying to think of something i just want a fucking honest answer from you what thing where are you putting in and i've started singing and now what are you gonna do and then i put my thing now that's the bit i'm talking about what we got coming up on the show today i mean the thing is i know you I'm just going to say it's my penis and I'm putting it in something. I was just wondering. All I wanted to really stress was... The thing might be, for example, the hook on the end of a scissors.

And the thing you're putting it in might be your meter. So it could be the opposite. I know you're thinking it's going to be the penis, but in actuality, it's my penis. It's my penis. Go ahead, clear that up now. Moving on. What is coming up on the show?

Well, I thought we'd have a relaxed fit show today. How is it? What? So it's like a soft denim mustache? Well,

we have to do a relaxed fit because I believe the conversation went like this, ladies and gentlemen. Eli, we haven't done a noodle kitchen in a while. I can't be fucked.

No, it's not that I can't be fucked. That's the practicalities of house sharing in this difficult rental market in London. Yeah. And I just don't have access to the kitchen. I'm sorry, Paul. No. But I have got, if people want to know, I have got some very interesting noodles coming up next time.

Would you like to give a little idea? A little taste, yes. A little teaser. Absolutely. We've got some great. We've got the burning noodle. Why is it called the burning noodle?

Do a lot of hippies hang around it in the summer and dance the shit dance music and then... No, it's not Burning Man. It's not a Burning Man noodle which would be made out of kelp or something.

What does that mean? Kelp? You know, it wouldn't be a real noodle. Kelp noodle. Too many carbs in it. Kelp noodle. Yeah.

Possible. You do get... Have we never done... What? Seaweed noodle. Too many carbs in it. Kelp noodle. Yeah. Possible. You do get, have we never done? What? Seaweed noodle. Those do exist. And also, so do green tea noodles. No, we haven't done that.

You should. It's hard to get them, but they used to have them on an instant green tea noodle. If you're listening and you can help us. Which Mama, the brand was Mama. This is the Thai brand. We have a platform here. So if you're listening and you can fix us up, hook us up with some green tea. It's funny, I haven't seen them in a couple of years, those ones. Well, I used to get them and eat them. Well, we have a platform here. So if you're listening and you can fix us up, hook us up with some green tea. It's funny, I haven't seen them in a couple of years, those ones.

Well, I used to get them and eat them. Well, we have a PO box. Mama Green Tea. The PO box, if you want to send anything to us, is on our website, thecheaptea.co.uk. The address is there. You can't remember it. I'll do it at the end of the show. Okay.

Also, have you ever had a sweet potato noodle? No. They come in wet packs and they're almost sort of translucent. I come in wet packs, and they're almost sort of translucent. I come in wet packs. Hollywood swinging, and I've started singing. I try to get something going. And then I put the thing in. What?

Where? What thing? Your penis. But what are you putting it in? Could be anything. Could it be anything? That's the eternal mystery hiding behind the song. Here we go, Paul.

Let's just imagine this. Yeah. It's the world's most snappy Venus flytrap. Yeah. Are you going to put it in that? Yeah. This is those jaws.

It's fine. It's only going to affect... I'll slice it right off. You don't want to slice it off. No, it's coming for you. You're going to put it in that? Yeah. Venus flytrap is going to have

little to no effect on my penis depending on the size. I can just pull it all out. What are you talking about? If my penis was a fly, then yeah, it'd be deadly. I'm not saying it's a fly. But if it was a penis fly trap? A Venus fly trap.

Venus fly trap. That's what's going to be a penis fly trap, mate. You better believe it. Right. Stop putting me off with this stupid shit. I'm not saying anything. With your Hollywood swinging. Hollywood swinging.

And I've started singing. Where we were. We were where we were. And where we were was. Where we were was what? Was. Where we were was what? You were describing how it's a soft, relaxed fit.

Yeah. This show. So is it just going to be this? Just with these repeated motifs and me shouting? We'll dig into the letterbox and have a little look at the emails. And then I've got a little game for us to play. Lovely little game. Because in the next two episodes,

we're going to do something we haven't done since episode 80 and we're going to turn Cheap Show into a night of TV and game shows again so we have a two part TV game show special and I admit it's weird they take a lot of time to edit but they're my favourite episodes to edit

see the craftsmanship behind the Cheap Show ladies and gentlemen coming up if you haven't when when was the last episode? Episode 80? Episode 80. So if you are a newer listener and you're wondering what the fuck Paul's going on about, get used to it. Because he fucking never makes any sense.

Useless, some people call me. Yes. More incoherent. Yeah, I'll take that. Yeah. Paul, the expression on your face there was so defeatist. Oh, God. I can't fight it.

God, okay. But if you have only started recently listening to the podcast and haven't gone trawling through the back issues, so to speak, the back catalogue, 80 was the last one of the TV game show specials

just like watching TV but in the other room and we're in it and it's just you just listen to it you just listen to it there's no visual well there will be

pictures of the I still think my finest hour on Cheap Show was in that episode when we played Britain's Got Talent and I managed to do

a series of excellent impressions of TV detectives it was close to a standing ovation and that was was close to a standing ovation and that was just in my pants. Standing ovation in my pants? In my pants, yeah.

An audience of one was on their feet. Oh, God. Shouting, hollering. Were they? Yeah. When my penis gets erect, it boils like a kettle and all the steam comes out the end and it goes... Does it?

I would see a doctor. Oh, I really would see a doctor. If my dick was whistling every time it got hard. Imagine that. It'd be horrible. Imagine going to the doctor. Doctor, you will never have seen this before. No, I have. I will have, Mr. Silverman, because I'm a doctor. Don't worry, you can show me. I've never seen anything like that before.

Get out! Hail Satan! Just puts a thing on the tip of it. Just for hours watching it. Alright, we've reached peak meters now. I tell you, I mean... Whistling meters. So... Hollywood

swinging, and I put my thing in we do need to do something unless you're like oh there's some crisps down there don't give me that look alright we're doing that next here we go

get those crisps out god it's fucking pissing down again crisps there you go what's this cheap eats San Carlo God, it's fucking pissing down again. Crisps. There you go. What's this? Cheap Eat San Carlo. Pio Gusto paprika flavour.

Gluten-free, though. All crisps are gluten-free. They're made of potatoes. Still says gluten-free. They've got starch. Gluten comes from the wheat. It's like saying this cupboard is gluten-free. You know what I mean? It's like saying, this cupboard is gluten-free. You know what I mean? It's like saying,

this fucking guitar case. Hollywood swinging. This guitar case is left wing. Something like that. Yeah. It's meaningless, is what I'm trying to say. This table is sarcastic.

It's like when they go, oh, it's vegan. It's like a broccoli shake. Vegan. No fucking shit. down to the fact that we have guidelines now that have to outright state if it's got a little bit of meat in it

or not, if it's vegan or not slip a bit of meat in it and then take it out it's Hollywood swinging stick a rose down my meatus and sniff it oh I could pay you to a quiff on my meatus

oh this is it it's over Paul we can't keep this going For my meter zeros. Oh, we really have. This is it. It's over, Paul. We can't keep this going. We can't keep this going. What? All this queef talk.

Right. And meters talk. You said in the last episode we haven't done much of it recently. This is catch up, isn't it? This is. What about spodge? Spodge. What about spodging my stodge on?

Spodge, stodge and on is all fine. I've got to stodge my spodge off. Prof, prof is also good. I've got a stodge on, so I'm going to spodge? What about spodging my stodge on? Spodge, stodge it on is all fine. I've got to stodge my spodge off. Prof, prof is also good. I've got a stodge on, so I'm going to spodge off. Yeah. Pass the scissors. I'm huffing these rancos. He's going to hurt.

Where did you get these from, these crisps? Same place I got the San Carlo 1936 that we tasted on a previous episode. Oh, yeah, I like those. They were solid salted crisps. Yeah, they were very continental in a way, weren't they? No, the crisps I don't know what else you want me to say

I think they've got a different way of doing them I think that's a psychological thing you've looked at it and gone oh cut above you know what we should definitely try

is those dolphin brand did we ever do those I don't think so chip sticks dolphin brand chip sticks I don't believe we have they're like those proper potato stick things

now these are San Carlo but they've got a lot of different flavours. I'm not a fan of paprika. These are Italian. Milano, it says. I'm not a huge fan of paprika. Why?

Spicy. I just can't explain it. It's just a flavour that kind of puts me off. I don't know. Right, I'm going to have a huff up. All right, here we go. He's taking a delicate snip from the corner. It's going.

It's huffing. Baconny. Very, very baconny. Baconny? Not in a good way either. Oh, really? In a kind of overly sweet frazzles kind of way. it's huffing bacon-y very very bacon-y bacon-y not in a good way either oh really in a kind of overly sweet

frazzles kind of way I can smell paprika but I can also smell a sort of artificial bacon-y flavor my voice got so deep then I thought it was getting really garbage

have a huff on that it's a bit swimming pool-y do you know what I mean well yeah it's bacon it's like Walker's bacon flavored crisps it does smell like that doesn't it weirdly

it's sweet but yeah paprika to me is that bacon-y flavor, weirdly? It's sweet. But yeah, paprika to me, is that bacon-y flavour-y? No, it's a smoked pepper. Let's taste it. It's a dried pepper, isn't it, paprika? No, I know what it is,

but what I'm saying is do they use it in bacon flavouring? Maybe, because I'm still getting bacon. I'm getting nothing but bacon from this. I like these. Yeah, these are alright because to me they taste like bacon crisps. And I'm okay with that.

Maybe paprika is one of them. They're a bit too sweet, but... Sweet, yeah yeah they are slightly aren't they it's a fine crisp yeah nice enough but nothing nothing that would like those 3.5 out of five those shebang the whole shebang crisp mate i know i keep going on about you do keep going on about them wow those are crisps you would search out for me too much i would search them out if i saw them i'd pay over the odds for them I'd slam my money could I get you I'd thwop out a pound coin

what if I got you a hog a live pig yeah that could snuffle them out like truffles that'd be great a crisp hog a crisp hog

that'd be good but you'd have to have a bunch of watsits to pull him off as soon as he's found it and then give it watsits wee wee wee have some watsits

you're well done for finding this you're bang but you get the cheap you get knock off watsits. Have some watsits. You're well done for finding this shebang, but you get the cheap. You get knock-off watsits, mate. No, don't look at me like that. I'm giving you watsits. No, I'm giving you watsits. Stop.

What's that noise? Oh, my God! I shouldn't have picked the pig character I hate it to my voice Come on that was good I thought you were going to kill me Turn it into a horror film I was going to do the whole

I'm going to have to pig Turn it into Arnold Schwarzenegger At the end as well Take a bath Take a bath Can't do Arnie I'll take a bath. Take a bath. Can't do, Arnie. I'll take a bath.

Nor can you. Right. No, I wasn't trying. No, of course I wasn't trying. Whatever. I wasn't trying. I don't even care. I don't care. I don't care about going to see Take That.

I don't want to go. Mate, you really, Paul. What? If you really want to do a soft fit nusslage episode, this is taking the piss now. We haven't done nothing. We've eaten some crisps. Right, I'm going to go. How long have. We haven't done nothing. We've eaten some crisps. Right, I'm going to go.

How long have we done? Like half an hour we've eaten fucking crisps. Which was your idea. So you're complaining about your idea right now. No, I'm saying, I've got a droopy.

I know. I should have tightened it up. Where's that multi-tool from last week? I'm going to tighten it up. Tighten it up. Can I tighten it, please? Can you remove the...

There you go. There's the flathead screwdriver. Right, yeah. And you've got to just put it in the? Can you remove the... There you go. There's the flathead screwdriver. Right, yeah. And you've got to just put it in the side and just probably tighten it a little bit. There's probably one of them that's got a flathead entry. That's what you call

a hammerhead shark's vagina. No. No. No. The flathead entry. No, no, no. No, Paul. Paul!

Paul! No. That's the worst thing I've ever thought of. It's not. It's not, though. I'm going to still put Queef Offer above that. No. Queef Offer.

Queef Offer, it was appalling. Oh, yeah. He wasn't. There we go. Look at that. Bit of DIY. All thanks to Super Multi-Tool from last week's Price of Shite. It's just not very good, is it?

No, it's fine for what it is. Why would you want a multi-tool like that? I've got something not too dissimilar to this. It doesn't look like a video game's console, but I've got something similar. We have it in the drawer in the kitchen. And it comes in handy for everything. But it's an actual multi-tool.

Yeah. All this is the exact same shit I've got in my house, but it's just a bit impractically designed. Right. So that's fixed. We're back in action. No, the plan was I was going to do a Tales from the Shot Floor because we haven't done one of those in a while so that was one of the segments now silverman

tales from the shop floor is when you the listeners write in with your tales from working in shops charity shops are good other shops discount shops maybe all the shops listed in the traditional opening of cheap show i'm hell, I fell asleep listening to that. Sorry, I really did white out mentally. Paul, just quickly. Still got one of those three Big Mac sauce pots that I bought. Yeah?

Fucking hell, please engage me better than this. Because I'm not taking to it right now. It's just been a long day for you, hasn't it, basically? Now, I've got one of those saucepots, Big Mac sauce, and they say it's got a shelf life of a week. Or chowf life. Street chowf. Street life.

Shelf life. Shelf life. Street chowf. Street chowf. Hollywood mysteries mysteries Mysteries What was it called? Hollywood whispers I'm not going to tell you

Hollywood You've forgotten It's one word forgotten Smuggler's cave Smuggler's cave You little bastard What is that shop called? Thief's Paradise

No What is that shop? Cobbler's Knob Almost Thief's Paradise Hollywood swimming You really are testing my patience. Look, come on, mate. Tell us your story.

Come on, love. Come on. What story? That's all you're going to tell me. Oh, it's just that I'm going to have that Big Mac sauce. I'm going to have the Big Mac sauce after a week. That's all. I mean, it really wasn't a great lead this week.

Holy shit. Sorry, I'm just saying. The whole point of that was to announce you were going to eat some sauce at one point in the future. At some point, I'm going to eat that sauce. I'll let you know what I have. But the point is, Paul, it'll be after a week. So they say it's shelf life, but I'm going to have it before the best before.

And I insist it will be fine. Right. So there'll be a real purpose to that and to what I say generally. Right. This one is an email from Kieran to tell us from the shop floor. Thank you, Kieran. Here is the letter. Hello, Paul and Eli.

Hello. See? Both. Good. You want to make a point? No, no. It doesn't need to be mentioned, does it? It does.

As long as they say hello to both of us, it's fine. Hello, Kieran. I've got a tale from the shop floor that I thought I would share with you guys. Thankfully, this didn't happen to me. It happened to my girlfriend who shared the story with me in great detail. Now. Okay. Are you happy so far?

Well, I mean, none of that might be true. That's a good point. I mean, like, it might have happened to him and he might never have had a girlfriend. Oh, you just don't see me girlfriend because she lives in a different town. She lives in Canada. She can only come out during the summertime. She only comes over for summer.

She gets stuck in Canada in the winter. Now we hang out and she's my girlfriend. She's transparent. And I touch their prat. How was it? Was it muffy? Was it muffy airy? It was very long. It was a long prat. Was it muffy? Was it muffy airy? It was very long. Was it? It was a long prat.

It was a long prat. Oh, very long prat. Was it airy, though? Was it? No. Oh. It was corrugated. Corrugated long prat?

That makes it sound like some kind of bird. Oh, I tell you, I was looking for the corrugated long prat the other day. I think a prat is a fish. Isn't a prat a fish? Yeah, I think so, yeah. Sprat is a fish. Sprat. Sprat is a very...

I've never heard you use that for a vagina. Prat. Yeah. I can't remember where I've heard that. That is what it refers to, isn't it? What's the worst word for a penis? The worst word for a penis? Yeah.

Because words for ladies' parts tend to be like derogatory. Yeah, but that's just to do with culture and the way it's all done. Oh, yeah. But men things are all kind of assertive and dominant, like cock, dick, and wang, and hog. That's why they say dickhead is worse than dick. Dick is pretty bad. Dick is, I guess, the only one that has negative connotations.

But, you know, it's still a forceful word. I'm going to have you with my dick. It's like all those words. I'm going to fucking feed you to my hog. God, that's horrible. That is absolutely horrible. Is that the crisp hog? Yeah.

The crisp finding. Here's Kieran's letter. My girlfriend was working at the time as a sales assistant for a well known shoe shop in the UK One day she served an old lady

riding a disability scooter who she described as a stereotypical old Scottish lady with a long tartan skirt on Think Supergran

from the old TV show It's funny I was talking about Supergran the other day Stand back Iceman Spiderman Man

Look out It's Supergran It's Supergrain! It's Supergrain! Aye. Watch out! Jobby. Normally, so... Look out!

For Supergrain! You almost did a decent Scottish accent there. Watch out! Look out! For Supergrain! Now you just look like an escaped mental patient. Watch out! Right, okay, stop now.

That's really stuck in my head. Look out! And stop. Vesupagran! Normally, sales assistants weren't expected to remove a customer's shoes for them when they wanted to try and appear,

but because of the scooter, my girlfriend offered to help the old lady with removing her shoes. Okay. Which is fair enough. Fair enough. You're not going to just sit there and say, sorry, love policy, get down, you fucking do it. Get off the scooter. No, you don't want is fair enough. Fair enough. You're not going to just sit there and say, sorry, love policy, get down.

You're fucking doing it. Get off the scooter. No, you don't want to do that. My ability just probably does have one. Oh, you're falling down. I can't help you. Get up, legal. Can't do it.

I might damage you and then the company's liable. I think she's going to regret her eagerness. This is my little prediction. Her eagerness to take this woman's shoes off. Although he does say in parentheses, although you would get the occasional middle-aged man who would need take this woman's shoes. Although he does say in parentheses, although you would get the occasional middle-aged man who would need

assistance taking off their shoes. Fat. No, just as middle-aged. There's no other descriptor. We're middle-aged. If I wouldn't go into

a shoe shop and go, take my shoes off, love. Take them off. Oh, that'd be terrible. Slower. Undo the lace slowly. Can you imagine

someone has that as a perversion? Yeah, of course they do. There's a perversion for every shade of the world. Even having my shoes taken off slowly? Yeah, I bet you there is. I bet you there's a person out there who guffs chunky white pearls every time someone touches his shoes or takes them off. Guffs chunky white pearls.

Guffs out chunky white pearls. Yeah. Right. Trying to bring sexy back to the podcast. When my girlfriend raised up the old lady's leg to remove her shoe, she felt something soft touching the top of her hand from underneath the skirt. No, no. She noticed it was a white piece of cloth wrapped around the lady's leg,

so she assumed it was a bandage and nudged it back up the skirt. Are you getting hard? Is that the sound you make? I'm starting to despair. What's, I don't know. This is really disturbing me this one. You don't know what the story is yet.

But what's the soft thing? We'll find out. It's all body horror. Calm down. When she did the same thing for the other lady's leg. The other lady's leg? Where's this other lady? When she did the same for the old lady's other leg.

Oh, other lady, Paul. Other lady's leg. What other lady? When she did the same for the old lady's other leg, the same thing happened. Other lady, Paul? Other lady's leg? What other lady? Let me do that sentence again. When she did the same for the old lady's other leg, the same thing happened. I think the sentence is a little bit...

She still felt... Oh, it's a little... She's basically saying... Is that a little criticism of Kieran's writing style there, Paul? Yes. Thank you. It's not just me. It wasn't...

It's not just me. I'm just saying, what he's saying is it then happened on the other leg. It was a similar soft white bandage. Another bandage dropped down onto my girlfriend's hand so she nubbed it up, nudged it up. Nubbed it up. No, nudged it. Nubbed it up. Nudged it back up the lady's leg. After trying on a pair of

shoes, the old lady decided not to buy anything and began driving away towards the shop exit. My girlfriend suddenly noticed in the corner of the eye that the old lady suddenly stopped the scooter right at the entrance to the shop. The old lady then shuffled her legs around a bit under her skirt,

extended her left leg out and began flicking her leg up and down. She gave one final big flick of the leg and the white bandage-like item went flying off her leg and landed between two shelves. The old lady then sped off out the shop. I really, this is really weird.

I don't want to know what it is. The girlfriend ran over to the shelves to see what the old lady... The girlfriend? Is that how you're referring to it now? My girlfriend, sorry, that's my bad at reading. My girlfriend ran over to the shelves to see what the old lady had actually flung and she was shocked to find that it was a used adult nappy.

She got one of her colleagues to stand up on one of the shelves to block any customers from seeing it while she ran to the back of the shop to get some paper towels. She picked the nappy up and threw it out in the back. According to her, the nappy had some weight to it so it was definitely filled. Apparently, it was both very soggy

and very lumpy. After reporting the incident to the store manager, they reviewed the CCTV footage and took some stills of nappy granny's face and sent an email round all the stores in the area warning them to keep an eye out for her. I wonder if she's any relation to Madam Lady Plops.

Well, that was... It's back to the classic tropes of... We haven't had a good old scat. Pure scat. And that had a special sort of body horror nasty vibe for me because it's the white bandage. What is it? Is it some kind of surgical waste? Is it a colostomy bag, What is it? Is it some kind of surgical waste?

Is it a colostomy bag? I was thinking. Is it some kind of dead rat up there? No. A white rat that's dead? You make a colostomy bag or something. You were thinking that. A colostomy bag, yeah.

What would a dead rat be up an old lady's skirt for? Mate, you tell me. No. Oh, do you want me to think of something? No, I don't. Natalie, you know I don't want that. Exactly.

I don't want you to conjure up some chain of events that causes a rat to end up dead. I don't Natalie you know I don't want that don't want you to conjure up some chain of events that causes a rat to end up dead I'm picturing it now I can't help it you've started

me off I'm also picturing it and I want to suppress it I've got this whole scene with this lady at home in a wheelchair

and all her rats and one of them dies please don't no you don't have to go any further let's just fast

forward to the end of it it does go into it. At one point during this whole, this to-do, it gets into it. It gets up there and it's like hanging out like a tampon string. The rat's tail. This Eli might be the worst thing you've done it's just

anyway that was what was funny is like I've got to wear some pants today because when I don't wear my pants for the podcast recording I sit on my bed and I get all and I was like no you're wearing pants right now and you're still a dirty naughty boy sorry I'm sorry everyone that was a nice story though

to be fair it wasn't a nice story though Paul to to be fair to be fair to be fucking fair paul here's the thing sometimes you hear a story like there's a little bit of tragicness to it there's a little bit of tragicness is that a word tragedy tragedy there's a bit of tragedy to it where you think oh the old lady old people they're losing their faculties they don't know what they're doing you know they're kind of prison within their own body but they don't know what they're doing, you know, they're kind of prisoned within their own body. But I don't know, the woman, like, actively flicking it off her leg in the shop. It is like Madame Plot Plot.

Madame Plot Plot, let's not forget, was based on an actual true incident, which someone wrote in to tell us about. But here's the thing. People get to a certain age and they get angry, and they think, one way I can get back is use this incontinence, which is hugely undignified and embarrassing for meified embarrassing for me yeah my aging process and push it in their faces you know it's not nice it's not nice but here's the point you can see the kind of psychological motivation

some old people it's like a dirty protest isn't it some old people you think oh it's the tragedy losing your mind in this case she just was a cunt i think yeah just a horrible old woman and what i bet when she flicked those pants off and she tore out the door i bet in her head get your motor running that was playing in her fucking head as she sped down the road and she's like doing wanking signs she just felt like in this instance she was a just a horrible old lady yeah who i think took advantage. Doesn't sound nice.

Because the story doesn't imply that the girlfriend was mean to her or rude. No, not at all. Well, it wouldn't imply that, though, would it? No. But maybe she... Maybe she woke up one day and thought... Yeah, that's what I mean. It's revenge. I'm going to end this day.

It reminds me of another Tales from the Shop floor that we heard. Yeah. Where the guys in WH Smith poo in, and then they ran off. Remember? They pooed in the WH Smith and then ran off. I don't remember that. They were old as well. Were they? And of course, madam. Lady Ploughs. Oh, I've got taco sauce still there.

I've tasted that before. Yeah. No. We've got to tell the shop for more than enough information. We don't need to go through your room visually shelf by shelf pointing out the shit that you think you want. There's stuff in here. Oh, look. I put the Rubik's clock up there. There's too much stuff in here, mate. There's stuff in here. Oh, look, I put the Rubik's clock up there. There's too much stuff in here, mate.

There's too much stuff in my flat. You know what we're going to do, though? Next car boot challenge, when we get round to it. We're going to sell it all off. We're going to sell it all off. I'm going to sell those porn cards. Yeah, I reckon that. And those stray cat cards.

Here's the thing that's going to piss you off, though. I think any money we raise on the day should go to a food bank. I think whatever money we raise should go to a church. Don't set me up to look like a cunt. You've done this in the past.

Does it have past go to charity mate this really pissed you off Paul Paul yeah you said this will really piss

you off I think we should give the money to charity how am I going to come out of this looking good I don't know

try absolutely give the money to charity I don't care I just wish you didn't fight about it so much

I'm not fighting I never said I want the money for this all of this right now this bloody behaviour I'm happy I'll sell those porn cards I don't care. I just wish you didn't fight about it so much. I'm not fighting. I never said I want the money for this. All of this right now, this bloody behaviour. I'm happy. I'll sell those porn cards. I don't want the money from that. You don't want that blood money.

That dirty, jizzy money. Spoff cash. Cosh cash. Spaff for cash. That's a punk band name. What? Spunk cosh. Na na na na na.

Spunk cosh. Na na na na na. Spunk Hosh. Na na na na na. When you go down the road, I'll hit you over the head with my Spunk Hosh. Na na na na na.

Spunk Hosh. Na na na na na. And you'll be in the club. What you looking at? I'll spit on you and I'll get my Spunk Hosh.

I'll get it right out. It's my Spunk Hosh. Hollywood swinging. See? Owned it. Wait, It's my cosh. Hollywood swinging. See? I owned it. That's the end of that episode. It's not, though, Paul, is it?

I know. We're still carrying on. It's only the end of the segment. Let's go. End of the segment. End of the segment. That was the problem. We figured out the problem.

We figured it out, everybody. We're overabundant with games. We couldn't do the noodle section this week because of... Your laziness and bone-idle nature. What? Anti-charity sentiment as well. It's just horrible behaviour. Just do not.

Don't even fucking start. All right, okay. But it just means we've got two games. Yeah, which is fine. Because to be honest, these are happy, quick little dipper games that we can get in and out of. Little dipper games? Yeah. You know what I mean?

I've got a little dipper. Oh, dear. Hollywood swinging. Exactly. And I started singing. And I put my thing in. And pull it out. Right, so we're just going to go through these two games.

Do you want me to put it in the box? Hand it over. No. I'll put my willy in that box. Yes, I will. You, I'll chop it off. All right. Yeah?

Yeah. I'll take an axe to it. A little tiny axe. And I'll put it on a little altar. A little tiny stone altar. I'll put your willy on a little tiny stone altar. And then I'll dress my hand up like a monk. You'll make your hand look like a monk?

Yeah, like put a cloak on it. I'm really liking this now. And then I can hold the little axe in it. And so it looks like a monk. You'll make your hand look like a monk? Yeah, like put a cloak on it. I'm really liking this now. And then I can hold the little axe in it and it looks like a monk, right? Then I get your little willy out and I put it on the slab. But you go, Om nom Shiva,

Om nom Shiva, Om nom Shiva. And I'll be like, what do they do? They go, Ula deus om niv de, Ano so hom de ho, Odi spofi brothinos, They go, Eli Silverman, for the crime of necromancy. Necromancy?

I find you guilty. Am I a necromancer? That's cool. Yeah. They're the most powerful demonic wizards that are going. And like any demonic power that you own, your wand shall be removed. So I will take you

and your penis to a public place. Go back a million times stronger. Then we'll keep hacking it off. And then you'll have an army of my penises infesting the whole of Middle Earth. How about that? What if we drown it? Nah, then it will die, yeah. What if we drown your dick in a puddle?

Get the games out, man. will die, yeah. What if we drown your dick in a puddle? Get the games out, man. Get the games out. Right. I've got two games. The first we're going to play today is one that is very simple. It's actually kind of interesting because I like the concept behind this, even though it's amazingly simple. The game is called Things They Don't Teach You in School.

A crazy mix of fun facts, random trivia, and totally useless knowledge. It's basically a variation on a trivia game. It is, but what I like about it is it doesn't revolve around being a trivia nut. It doesn't mean... It doesn't reward people who are SWAT. I want to go on Eggheads and beat the eggheads because I know a lot about infrastructure and gardening and films and art and theatre and music.

People know a lot about lots of different things, Paul. I want to take you on. I personally want to prove my mettle and take you on at General Knowledge. You know what's great about that is, having lots of General Knowledge just means that you have a lot of wasteful facts in your head that you can't apply

in any particular way I can imply them more than just your very narrow Ghostbusters 2 facts I'd be able to use those in a very focused particular way

though I'm not going to go oh love what's that you've lost your car keys do you know Ghostbusters 2 was featuring

Max von Sydow originally as the voice of Viggo because the actor who played Viggo was shit so they had to overdub him. Is that true?

That's true. Max von Sydow, he died today. He died today? Yeah, literally. Have you not heard that? He's died today. No, he didn't. Check it right now. Is Sydow died today? Yes. I'm going to give you five seconds to just check the internet and prove that I'm not wrong.

I can't believe you use your phone like that. Why? You're just jabbing it with your big, chunky fingers. What have you do? Use your thumb? Your big parsnip fucking fingers. Not parsnips. Just because you've got beautiful fingers. Just check it.

Am I wrong? I do have beautiful fingers. Entertainment. Max van Sydow. Yeah. Aristocrat of cinema who made me weep, says Peter Bradshaw. Yeah, great actor. Get in.

I was right. Right, here we go. Next one. No, not next one. We haven't done anything yet. No, nothing. I'm going on. I'll give you a big chunk of questions and I'll have a chunk of questions. We'll just see how many we know. Here's a general knowledge off. Alright. Here's a chunk for you. Here's a chunk for me. How are we going to keep score?

I'll write them down here. Use the baro. Eli, Paul, the match begins. Do you want to go first or second? I'll go first. Alright, go on then. Shall I just read the first one? You pick any Do you want to go first or second? Yeah, sure, I'll go first. All right, go on then. So I just read the first one. You pick any question you want, mate. These cards have the answers on the back.

Yeah, so cover them. Classic trivia, is that right? Yeah. Are you ready? Yeah. How far from the toilet... Yeah. How far from the toilet, Paul,

should you keep your toothbrush so that airborne particles do not contaminate it? Well, I wouldn't keep it in the same room as the toilet, ideally. Yes, but you do. In this instance, I do, but I used to have a separate... In this instance?

I lived in a house previously that had a separate toilet and shower bathroom, so the toilet was... I don't want that. I want a separate toilet on a toilet. What about if I want to take a shit, get straight in the shower? I don't want to do that either.

Why? I want to have a poo and then be a human being and walk to the room probably right next door and have a shower then. I don't feel to have a poo and then be a human being and walk to the room, probably right next door, and have a shower then. You have to put your trousers back on. You can take it all off. You can go completely naked. Take a big

freeing shit. Okay. Really let go. Right. Really let go. Get it all out. Nude. Then get straight in the shower scrub scrub scrub scrub scrub scrub not put your trousers back on

I'd just walk naked from the toilet to the room next door someone might see you I live alone your flatmate might see you alright so either I live alone

or my girlfriend will see you it was terrible the toilet in your old place I know what you're talking about now yeah terrible no one likes one toilet

just by itself I like it no one likes it it's a little private little private space to be. Anyway, so what you're saying, it should be in a different room. Two meters. No one should have a toilet in the same room as their toothbrush at all ever. Well, I think you're being very poncy and very high-minded.

Not all of us can afford a separate toilet. What did you mean? A toilet separate. Oh, they can, we. Sometimes we're born? A toilet separate. Oh, they. Can we? Some houses are born with a toilet separate. Some of us are born with a toilet separate. Some houses are born with a toilet separate. They build houses.

No, they born houses. Or a little house. What do they come out of? A big brick vagina in the middle of the forest? There's a great big wall on the edge. A big brick womb in the middle of the forest. There's a massive, gigantic, almost infinity-sized wall. Almost infinity?

Yeah. Not quite. Do you want to take that back? All right. Almost infinite wall on the edge of reality. How far? I'm going to need an answer from you. And they queef out houses and they roll...

They birth houses. Not queef. Queef is gaseous. Yeah, I know, because it comes from a different dimension. What the fuck? Come on, Paul. I said two metres. Two metres.

Yes, two metres. It's two metres away. At least six feet, so I'm going to give you that. Okay, thank you. Roughly two metres. Roughly two metres. One score for you. Right, ticky tick.

Right, here's one for you. Oh. Come on, read it. Well, there's quite a few interesting ones, and I want to see which one's interesting. Well, you can do more than one from one card can't you true that's a good point

no rule against that what day and what time represent the greatest risk for couples in a relationship to fight so what day

and at what time of that day is it more likely that couples will fight I heard this so it's the day of the year and the time of day

of that day or day of the week oh is it the day of the week and the time of day of that day of the year. Or day of the week. Oh, is it the day of the week? Yeah. Okay. Which now is it down considerably from 365 choices to a mere seven. To a mere seven. Monday is a stressful day for people.

Yes. Because it's back to work. Yeah. On the weekend, couples have been, they've been together for a couple of days. Maybe they had a shitty Saturday night. You know, they did Friday, went out on Friday. So I think it's...

Fucking flippin' bitch all over fucking Gary from the couch. I think it could be Sunday afternoon. Sunday afternoon. Yeah, I'm going to say Sunday, two o'clock on a Sunday.

The answer is Thursdays at 8pm. That's so random. It's just a random fact. I don't know, maybe they must have like asked thousands of couples. It's just statistical. It's an average. fact. I don't know. Maybe they must have like asked thousands of couples. It's just statistical.

It's an average. Where did you let them have a fight? Six o'clock Tuesday. I know. How do they even find out facts like that? It's all very doubtful,

isn't it? It's like, no, we didn't, Charles. It was a Tuesday at seven. We're having a fight now because I fucking remember it now. It was fucking Tuesday, you prick.

You bitch. You prick. I hate the way your fingernails look. You prick. Great improv. Your hair's got matted spoff pellets. I have to go elsewhere for my spoff. You aren't delivering these days.

I have to go see Tarquin. Tarquin. Tarquin. The theatre critic dog. Yeah, yeah. An old woman gets spoffed in the head by a fucking theatre critic dog. Well, Leaky Ken is who you should have gone to. The Leaky Ken organisation.

She needs proper globulets. Quentin doesn't do that. He just reviews plays. Yeah, but he has a job on the side of spoffing an old lady's hair. What do you want? It's all fantasy. It's all made up. Fucking hell.

How relaxed fit do you want this to be? Nossage. Shitting in your apron. Oh, fuck off. Right, so no point there, unfortunately, for you that time. Come on. Oh, it's my turn. Yeah, yours next.

My turn to ask a question. Yeah, that you've farted on now. I haven't, come on. And there's still some cards behind you. Look, you don't leave that in. I can't have two weeks in a row with guffs in. We had three weeks in a row once. Please, that's not. Please.

What's it worth? 50 quid. Nah. There's some more cards behind you, by the way. What year, Paul? Yes. What year was the first porn movie produced? 1903.

That's a very good guess. Is it? Yeah, 1908. Oh. Only five years out, but I'm not giving you that. In action! Oh, come over here, sailor, and touch my massively hairy clout! Oh, I say, madam, my whole hand's gone up there!

Ooh! Is that titillating to you? Right, move down and pant to the ankles. Ankles, ankles, ankles! Ankles! ankles, ankles. No, but Paul. I mean, I know that almost as soon as photography was invented, they started taking dirty pictures.

You know, porn always is like it happened with the internet. For years, early on in the internet, porn was the main thing people used the internet for. Look, let's be honest, it's still the main thing people use it for now. Really? You think so? Yeah. Okay. So, I think it was

a French film as well, if I remember rightly. The first ever? Yeah. But then, when was actual motion picture? When did they have the first motion pictures?

Well, that would have been late 1800s. Yeah. So, I would have thought they'd make one then. Well, it's more about... And also, they don't have definitions,

do they? No, it's more about... There's no sort of have definitions, do they? No, it's more about... There's no sort of context to this. There might have been private videos, private films made, but I think this might have been the first commercial release thing. Actual release film. Where you could pay two and eight to have a fucking grub and grubbles.

Tuppence to look at a tuppence. I'm off to the cinema, darling. Oh, that newfangled thing. Yes. What are you going to see? Granny gets a tit-toe. Granny gets a tit-toe. Granny a la tit-tee femme.

It was French, was it? I don't know. Come on, Paul. Ask me a question. All right, here we go. Zero. You scored zero? You said 99.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, I forgot. I went first the first time. Right. Here's an interesting one. Huh? Yeah. Huh? Yeah. Huh?

Yeah. What was the most checked out book from the library at Guantanamo Bay detention camp? The most borrowed? Yeah. Because they might just checked it out a lot and they wouldn't have any reference to that. Look at that. Check that out. Yeah.

And they got another book. Just checked it out. Got another book. Yeah. The Koran? The Koran? You'd think. The Koran.

You'd think it'd have to be given just out of you know like European you know international law it's like Thousand Island Discs Thousand Island Discs

no come on that concept's gotta fly that's a fucking long episode of the show though come on you prick 800 more songs I don't know

it's a source based show don't you understand what Thousand Island is a source dressing source yeah Frick, 800 more songs. I don't know. It's a sauce-based show. Don't you understand? What? A Thousand Island is a sauce dressing. Sauce. Yeah. A Thousand Island discs. It's just sauces.

You bring your best sauces, the sauces you'd like to be marooned with. A Thousand Island discs. Anyway. No? All right. All right, a question. Yeah.

So what is the most checked out book from the library at the Guantanamo Bay detention camp? I said Quran. I was wrong. Shall I think of another one? Think of a popular type of book. A popular... The Da Vinci Code.

Good thought. But actually, the answer is... It was The Firm? No. Grisham. You think people in Guantanamo Bay are getting out John Grisham books to learn their legal rights? Maybe. Oh, maybe if I read...

Is it a Stephen King novel? If I read The Pelican Brief, I can get out of this fucking Guantanamo Bay. Is it a Stephen King novel? No. Harry Potter. Is correct. There you go.

Tick for you there. All right. A little bit of help, but I think worth it. Right, next question for me. Go on. No, you don't come up with it in your head. Just read off the card.

Can I come up with it in my head? Why do some bottles have a concave bottom? They wouldn't have a non-concave bottom, would they? Because they'd fall over. You'd fall over. But I just had to understand what you're saying by concave. Because you think cave, so you can go in. That's how you remember.

Yeah, convex. Convex and concave. Yeah. I learned that about the eyes. What do you mean, the eyes? Your eyes are convex. Like lenses and things like that. Lenses are convex or concave, Yeah. I learned that about the eyes. What do you mean the eyes? Your eyes are convex. Like lenses and things like that. Lenses are convex or concave.

Yeah. What's the question? Why are some bottle bottoms? Convex. Concave. Concave. I would say... Cumcave.

That's where King Kong goes. I would say it's to... King Kong goes to a cum cave. Cum cave? Yeah. King Kong's cum cave. No on here we go here's the picture i've been waiting for all episode king kong's cum cave right okay the people get abandoned they're climbing up the mountainside they're going look there's a cave looks a bit wet in there yeah we'll probably be safe it looks a bit wet in there but we'll probably

be safe from the giant monkey no I like the idea right of they're walking to a dead end in this tunnel

right and they go that's a strange dead end the map says there should be an exit interesting

and they step back and they realise it's actually King Kong's knob it's his big meters

right they've been inside his meters it's the cave no therein is basically his fleshlight they've walked through this cave normal. It's his big meters, right? They've been inside his meters. It's the cave. No, therein is basically his fleshlight.

They've walked through this cave. King Kong's cum cave. He slid his big dick through it and all of a

sudden all they hear is woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo and a wall and a wall of cum blasts out. Yeah, this is

great. And then King Kong has a sleep. As amazing as that is, I am going to need an answer from you. Why does a bottle have a concave bottom? Imagine the last thing you see in your life is a big coming out of a monkey's meatus. life is a big monkey spunk. Prehistoric giant monkey spunk.

Come on now. I want an answer from you. Something to do with the structural integrity of the bottle. It makes it more solid. Oh, really? Yeah. Flat bottom bottles crack more easily. Oh, when you slam them down, you can break them with the convex. It's stronger.

Arches are strong aren't they have that sort of but there's also that but what they're saying is if you slam the bottle down it was on a key or something you'd maybe break it but if it's convex it will yeah i think there's that but i think for both reasons i think it's actually structurally stronger i'm gonna get we got all right let's do here's a quick question for you then interesting if you i'll give you i'll give you help with this. I'll field you towards the right answer. I might just know it

though. That's true. Let's just give it to me first. Give it to me cold. If you took all the money in the world and divided it equally among everyone, how much money would each person get? So if you took all the money... I know how many people are in the world, roughly.

Yeah, which is... Seven billion. Seven million. Seven million. Billion. There's seven billion people in the world. Seven million billion people. Not million billion, billion.

Million billion billion people in the world. No, just one billion. I'm losing track. There's seven one billions. So there's only one billion. Oh, God, you really are testing me. Test me. Don't stop testing me.

This is the binding of Isaac. I would say it's probably quite high, probably something like a million quid each. Oh, it's much lower than that. Is it? Yeah, much lower. It's still quite a nice chunk of cash, but it's much lower.

100,000. No, much lower than that. 20 grand. Bit lower than that. 15 grand. Bit lower than that. 10. 10.

10 grand. If we split the money evenly over everyone on the planet, everyone will get ten grand. I'm going to give you a point for that. Are you? Why? I said a million quid. And now we're two each, and this could be the final question.

I don't deserve that point. Did it for drama. I don't deserve that point. What I do deserve a point for is King Kong's Comcave. King Kong's Comcave is going to be your legacy. Right. Come on, then. I love the idea. I just love the idea of a group

of travellers going, oh look, there's a cave! Cut to the back of the cave and there's a giant monkey holding the sides of it, this mountain fucking thrusting. That is your innovation, to go from the other side. I just love it. That monkey doesn't know. It's the only way through the mountain

as well. There's five fucking travellers looking for the lost city of Atlanta. He certainly doesn't. He doesn't know for... It's the only way through the mountain as well. It's the only way through. And that monkey doesn't know. There's five fucking travellers looking for the lost city of Atlanta. He certainly doesn't. He doesn't know a lot because he's primal. Yeah. Where have those cars gone? I don't know.

It's your question now. Okay, here we go. No, you asked me that question. It's my question. You asked me about the money, didn't you? Okay. It's my question to you now. Yeah.

On average, Paul... Yes? Do people who win a large sum of money in the lottery lose or gain weight? I mean, look, my gut feeling is to say they lose weight. No, gain weight

because they become, you know, whatever. You're lucky, aren't you? You've got a 50-50 here and I had to fucking come up with a figure out of the whole world of possible figures.

Yeah, and I still gave you it. You shouldn't have given it to me. Gain, are you saying gain? Gain. Yes. To be honest, the other reality could have been, well, you've got all that money, go to a gym, and you lose weight, and you look after yourself.

No, they all go fucking eat nothing but Pringles and Stout. Pringles and Stout. Pringles and Stout. The Pringles and Stout plan. You should do a diet. Yeah. Let's find you a good question to end on. You get real stodgy, but black shit. This is the perfect question. It'd be like a... Right, you have to find you a good question to end on. You get real stodgy butt black shit.

This is the perfect It'd be like a Right, you have to get this right for us to draw. Charcoal based fondant. Don't strike at me. I wasn't listening.

So you would I just came back You were listening enough for King Kong's gum cake. Yeah, well that caught my attention. Right.

My question. How many cups of snot can your nose produce in a day? In a day. And I won't help you on this. How many cups? I want produce in a day? In a day. And I won't help you on this. How many cups? I want a number.

In a day. I don't think it's going to be one and a half. I'll give you that. It's two. At the end of that round, we both got three points each. Well done, Paul. Well done. Let's knock elbows.

There you go. Let's move on to game number two. Oh. In our gaming. Mate, I have to leave at eight. Yeah. We've got plenty of time. We played that for ten minutes.

Do you want to play this for ten minutes? Then we'll wrap up, and then you can go do your nefarious gambling problems. Right, well, let's crack on then. Instead of complaining. I got a game from a charity shop. I just have to... What? I'll explain to the audience then while you're just going.

I got a game from a charity shop, the Marie Curie Charity Shop, and it's called Urban Dictionary Game, based on the popular website with millions of user-created definitions. So there's a rule here where all the yellow cards are all the phrases from Urban Dictionary, such as, he says, pulling one randomly, please advise. And the meaning is corporate jargon for what the fuck.

Right? All the yellow cards have those phrases on. But then there are blue cards, and the blue cards give you something to use those cards with. So like most of these games, like Cards Against Humanity and whatnot, it's about getting rid of your cards by adding your witty, meme-y card to an answer. And then there's a judge.

I don't think we can fucking do that. Nor do I want to. Nor do I care to. So I think me and elise just play it where basically i pick out a bunch of um urban dictionary definitions and eli has to take a guess at what they could be what a lot of fun that is now i wait for him to come back i don't know what he's gone to do come back. I don't know what he's gone to do. Don't look at me like that. What did you do? I had to go for

a minute somewhere. He did a poo. He didn't do a poo. Here's a bunch of cards for you. I don't understand how to play this. I've already explained the rules to the audience. Basically, it's like Cards Against Humanity. You have eight cards. You have to get rid of them by a judge determining if your card that you laid down

was the funniest response to the question asked. We're not going to play that. We're just going to have the read out the yellow terms and we'll have a little guess. We'll have a bit of fun.

All right. So you go first. I'll guess your term. All right. And it might be better. Here we go. The Urban Dictionary.

Do you use it? You've used it quite a lot over the years. You used to build whole routines at stand up out of of it didn't you no that was once i did for a very specific slingers web slingers you did a bit of material about web slinging did i oh yeah no but that was for one particular gig and then i used it a second time because i ran out of material um oh funnily enough having a canadian girlfriend is one of them. We did that earlier in the show. Oh, is that like a non-existent girlfriend?

Right. All right. Here's the first one. Having a case of sticky sacitis. What do you think that says? Sacitis. I don't know. Sacitis.

Sticky sacitis. What do you think is having a case of sticky sacitis? Sweaty bollocks. On a hot day when your junk is so sweaty that it sticks to the side of your leg. Yep. I get a point there. I get a point. I'll give you a point.

Nut huggers. Nut huggers. I think they're friendly squirrels. It's good. I like it. I like it. I don't have any nuts. Are you going to eat them though, little squirrel?

No. What will you eat during the winter though? If you don't eat your nuts? I take out delivero. Ah. And they deliver. What would they deliver? They deliver bagels.

And they deliver curry. And I can get Italian. I don't think that's good for a little squirrel, like a woodland creature like you. Yeah, well, you just stay out of it, mate. It's my life. And I do what I want. You do what you want, but you'll die.

Don't fucking threaten me. You need to eat those nuts. Don't threaten me. It's tight jeans, Paul. All right, good. Can I have another one, please? All right. Having turbulence.

What do you think is having turbulence the shits I've got to guess that Eli's going to get this it's the shits let's have a look grumbles no it's not

it's a bit more specific when your stomach grumbles no when you've got a lot of farts no turbulence come on think turbulence

what's the word mean what does it imply turbulence is when you're in a plane. Yeah. Or a fluid. It's to do with fluid dynamics. Come on. Don't roll your eyes.

I'm trying to think the process through. Come on. Turd. How's it spelled? With a D. Turd. T-U-R-D-U-L-E-N-C-E. So it's poo and bumpy bumpy.

Ah. Poo and bumpy. Bumpy poo. Is it when you're on a plane and it's so bumpy it makes you want to go to the loo? Oh, I'll give you that. The answer is

the discomfort you feel when you can't fart on a flight. Who can't fart on a flight? I fart all the time. I fart constantly. And then I go to the other person, what's all that about? And point to the person sleeping next to me

and go, can't believe it. Do? Yeah. Who's looking at you while you let off? No one. No one. Next one. You're looking around for people to point at.

O-M-W-2-S-Y-G. What? O-M-W-2-S-Y-G. Text speak. O-M-W. I don't fucking know. On my way to steal your girl. On my way to steal your girl on my way to steal your girl

why would you send that just say rubbing you in the face then I just text my girl and say Eli's on his way to steal you say no she'll be like

I love you honey now I love you too then I call off an hour later and she doesn't pick up and I'm like what's going on here and then you won't answer your phone and I go home early

and then I see you scuttling out the out of your pants and your ankles and I'm like, what's going on here? And then you won't answer your phone. And I go home early. And then I see you scuttling out the out of your pants and your ankles. And I'm like, oh. I wouldn't do that to you, Paul. I'm going to send you to King Kong's Cum Cave for that. I wouldn't do that to you, Paul. All right. Now, my go. All right, go on.

Oh, yeah, it's me. Websnake. That's when you come in your head and chuck it at someone. Yeah, I know. Yeah. That's when I know. What is getting boner shock? You see a boner and you're shocked.

You see one and you're... And you grab it instinctively. You don't know what to do with it and you're choking it, squeezing it. No. And the vicar's saying, no, no. Is it when you feel faint-headed because you get erect so quickly? I don't know. Does that happen? It does if it's big enough.

So you've never had that experience then I do it every time you know there was all those stories about what like John Hughes or whatever his name was

that he'd faint that the guy with the biggest penis do you ever hear those stories penis penis penis

I've heard the stories that the guy with the biggest penis can faint when he gets a rep that's why I don't understand why having a big dick's great it just takes more work it's not true that you faint when he gets a rep. Yeah, because that's why I don't understand why having a big dick's great.

It's like, it just takes more work. It's not true that you faint when you get a rep. A lot of women find this uncomfortable. Well, don't. I'd imagine. Getting boner shock is when your boner gets scared and retreats to a flaccid stage. I see, yeah. Okay, what about this?

Playing Bacon Tetris. Bacon Tetris. All right, it's when you throw pigs off a roof is it when you throw a pig off a roof onto a russian child and you say bacon tetris and you run off that's not something that comes up a lot well no but it's a niche you don't need it's when you are efficiently arranging bacon strips on a frying pan. They're called rashers. Bacon. They're not called strips. What's the phrase again? Bacon what?

Tetris. Yeah. Is it how you try and arrange a bacon? No, I've just told you what it is. I wasn't listening. You were. You were listening. And now you're just going to regurgitate it now, aren't you?

Is it when you rearrange bacon on a pan so it all fits? Shut up. I'm not getting this from you. I'm not taking this from you. Actually, it is a better one. What's a marijuana minute? Five minutes. Well, it does say short one. What's a marijuana minute? Five minutes. Well, it does say,

short moment that feels like forever when you're high. I've done that, though. I've got really stoned and then had a thought about it at a moment and I've been lost in it forever. Then I looked at it and was watching it. It's been like three seconds. Yeah, I get that more on the stronger hallucinogens

such as acid or mushrooms or ketamine. Let's find out. A good one to end on. There won't be. Every time you try and do this, there won't be one. Let's find out. A good one to end on. There won't be. Every time you try and do this, there won't be one. I'll find one. You look.

I'll find one. What is... Pro-crast-a-baiting. Pro-cast-a-nating. Pro-bast-a-nating. Shut up. Pro-crast-a-baiting. Pro-mast-a-baiting.

Pro-crast-a-baiting. Is it when youurbating. Pro-crass-tubating. Is it when you keep putting off having a wank? No, it's when you should be working, but you wank. Wanking when you should be working? Yeah. It's every day. All right, here's the final one for you. I've got it here.

Ready? What is King Kong's Cum Cave? It's a fictional cave from a movie. King Kong fucks it and it's full of his scooch. There could be a scene, right, where they fall into a big puddle lake of cum that's in there

and they get attacked by his sperm. And it's the equivalent of the bug scene that was cut from the original film. Big piranha sperm. No, they don't do that. They don't make that noise. They do. I want a better noise for the noise of flounder fat.

No, the answer is... Quentin, the theatre-created dog. Can I cut this bit, please? And here's Quentin, the theatre critic dog. Ruff, ruff, ruff. Powerful. Ruff, ruff, ruff. Convincing. Can I cut this bit, please? No, you cut you. Okay.

You cut you. That's so poor, man. It is pretty fucking... When I know I'm doing Norman Collier material, that's when things get out of hand. Come on. No. Just give me one more chance. Getting

ass gut. Farting. No. It's when you have a second gut hanging over the back of your pants. Like the one you've got. I don't have one. You've fucking got massive ass gut. I do not. You do. What's crop dusting? Spunking out a plane. No.

Turn your fart and walk at the same time. You know what? Good night, Lulu. This game was a bit of a plane. No. Turn your fart and walk at the same time. Yeah, you know what? Good night, Lulu. This game was a bit of a disaster.

It really was. So let's just end with what we need to take away from this whole section is that King Kong's concave is the best thing we've ever

come up with on this fucking... It's not we. I came up with it, Paul. Credit where credit's drew. Drew?

Look, you came up with the phrase Paul. Credit where credit's true. True? Look, you came up with the phrase, I painted the picture. Well, that's not true either, you'll find when you listen back. No, it is true. No, it's not. Oh, mate, by the time I've edited it, your input to this will be nothing. Come on, then. Nothing. I've got to get in the shower, mate.

Alright, well, let's wrap up. Right, we've got to wrap up now. Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for listening to Cheap Show. If you want to support us on Patreon, and some of you do, you can go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show. Thank you very much. I have a soft sausage nussle pack coming your way. That's right, I've got to get in the shower now.

You're going to talk about bollocks for a few minutes as I'm trying to wrap up. You do it. Shuffle sausage in the nussle region. Not worth it. Not it hollywood swinging and i put my thing in in my trussage right so and then he removes it and now the snaffles got all nussage if you'd like to follow us on twitter it's at the cheap show pod i'm at paul gannon show eli is brussel truff at nusselt Club it's Eli Silverman

what who am I you fucking gobshite Eli Snoid yes and it's

spelled Eli S-N-O-I-D yes if you want to email us anything and maybe your own Tales from the

Dancefloor an interesting story shop floor discovery shop floor yes it's

thecheapshow at gmail.com. Thank you. Tumblr, Facebook, Instagram, we're all on those. Your book. That's fine. Thecheapshow.co.uk

is the website to go to if you want to see pictures to accompany this episode. My book. Your book. Help me raise money to make my book Ain't Afraid of No Ghost

about the supernatural and my ghost hunting years. It is unbound.com forward slash books forward slash ghosts and you can help and get a little perk for the donation that you give. And I think that

is it in a nutshell, I think. And there's other things. Ah, fuck off. Don't tell them to fuck off. I'm fucking telling you to fuck off. Are you going to say stuff when I leave? No, I won't. I won't say. The minute you go out, I'll stop recording. No, I want to see you stop now. No. I want to see you stop playing recording now. I want to see you stop playing recording now.

I once saw Eli Silverman take a cup into King Kong's concave, and he looked hungry.