CheapShow - Ep 171: CheapShow TV 2020 (Part One)

Episode Date: March 27, 2020

Tonight on CheapShow TV: 5pm: Brandoff's Cage Richard Brandoff returns to fund more new business ideas. As long they are not from women. 6pm: CHEAPSHOW TV 2020 (Main Feature) Mr Biffo joins Paul and Eli for an evening of The Wheel of Fortune and Just A Minute. Who will win and who is racking up the Beans? 7pm: Critical Mass Theatrical reviews from 2 pseudo-intellectual idiots 8pm: Tumpy The nation's favourite market stall conman is in trouble again! Oh no! 9pm: Beanus Comedy whimsy with Beanus in his silly House of Beans 10pm Programme Ends (Special thanks to Pat Sharp for his guest appearance) And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-171-cheapshow-tv-2020-p01 If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid with guests @mrbiffo and @patsharp Special thanks to @vorratony for the special artwork If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow

After four failed attempts will our final contestant convince Brandoff to part with his hard-earned money and develop her latest scheme? Let's find out in Brandoff's cage. Right, Ruff, one more. Hang on. Hello. Hello. My name is Sally. You appear to be a woman. Is that right? Yes, that's right. I'm Sally.

It's a no from me. Sally Eggs and Bacon. It's a no. No, I do have an idea. Well, you can say the idea. You can say the idea, but I thought, you know, I don't know how you got through the researchers, but... Right, go on.

It's because my name is Sallyally ham and eggs ham and eggs bacon and eggs bacon and eggs eggs and bacon eggs and bacon eggs and bacon right well the name is intriguing name rough rough it's lunchtime almost which you've reminded me of though come on spit it out whatever it is okay what's your stupid idea I've invented the secretary slapstick. Is it for menstruating on the back of limo seats? No, it's really not. Well, I'm out. No, it's a hand on a stick.

And when you can't quite reach your secretary, you can swing it and smack her on the bottom. Oh, okay. Interested. How much are you asking for, Ruff Ruff? Um, £5,000 and some children's security. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Ruff Ruff, no, no, Ruff Ruff, no. You won't be getting anywhere near that, Mrs Salmon and Eggs. Because that's more than your pocket money. That's more than it's a responsible amount for a woman

to be walking around with. You might buy something very unnecessary. So let's revise our expectations down five quid. Can you build... Can you build a thousand of these ass-smacking devices for five quid? I can do it in my shed.

And will it have some kind of device for warming up seats with a fluid? I can make it happen. You shed? Yes. And will it have some kind of device for warming up seeds with a fluid? I can make that happen. You can? Good. I can make it happen. Right. Have you got a prototype? Yes. Right. Hand it over. Ruff Ruff, bring it over. Here you go. Right. Good quality rubber.

Squelchy. Oh. Ruff Ruff. Oh, it's very squelchy. Very squelchy. Now, I've put my hand in and I can't feel anything. I can't. Ruff Ruff, see, this is the it's very squelchy. Oh, it's very squelchy. Now, I've put my hand in, and I can't feel anything. I can't... Ruff, ruff. See, this is the issue. I can't feel it.

I like to feel the thing that I smack. So I know it knows, and I know, and I feel it. I feel the power running through my rigid arm. So, Sally, Bacon, and Potato. Eggs and sausage. You, on this, I'm sorry to say, you neither spoffed me, let alone brothed my cannon off. And for that matter, for that reason, I'm out. Ruff, ruff, ruff.

If you could just, if you could go and urinate in my limo, I'll give you a fiver. Okay. Ruff, ruff, ruff. Ruff, ruff, ruff. If you could go and urinate in my limo, I'll give you a fiver. OK. Ruff, ruff, ruff. Ruff, ruff, ruff. Thrilling stuff. And there'll be more Brandoff's Cage next week. Coming up next, it's Cheap Show. With their latest TV game show board game special.

With special guest, Mr. Biffo. If you want to keep your breath in shape, you better use Clorex. Get Axis all working on them wits. Clorex help neutralise nastiness. Chew them to the right. Suck them to the left. Ain't nothing tastes nicer than minty Clorex. Ready to go clubbing, Ron. Yeah. Clorex. Great tasting regular or sugar-free mints and gum.

Well, that's the sign-off. Yeah, the sign for Dad's neighbours to throw a street party. They heard that when you left. Don't bicker. Moving house is painful enough. Yeah, painful for Dad. He's been in the house so long, I hear you have to treat him for woodworm. Yes, well, Abbey National's Home Movers deal will soften the blow a bit. What's that when it's at home? I'll tell you what it is, matey.

Unlike some places, Abbey decided it might actually be quite nice to offer an incentive for staying with them when you move house. Now shut up and hold this. Yes, well, what it does mean is that we could move to that cottage near you. You could pop in whenever you like for coffee or dinner or anything. Your father would like that. wouldn't you, dear? Abbey National. The Habit of a Lifetime. Only me! Can't stop love!

Ooh, a new cooker! Thank you, new tar! Thank you, new tar! Ooh, but you don't want a gas one. You never know when your food's ready. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. What's this, a wormy red? You don't want that. You want a midnight moe or misty bath. And you don't want a figurine by the fire. You want a cow scuttle.

It's a gas fire. Gas? You don't want all these fancy new things. Be more prudent with your money. I got them both on interest-free credit. Interest-free credit? No! Don't you just love being in control? For more great deals on interest-free credit, visit your nearest British Gas showroom now.

You're listening to Cheap Show Television. Which doesn't really make much sense, does it? TV, listening. Coming up later this evening... At 8pm, there's more cheeky market stall shenanigans with everyone's favourite dodgy dealer, Tumpy. Eggs, eggs and dongers. Come and get your eggs and dongers. Come and get your eggs and dongers.

Two dongers a quid. I'll throw an egg in. Oh, I love some eggs and dongers. Oh, you like dongers, do you, love? Oh, I love your dongers, Tumpy. Well, you've got fucking beautiful tits. Lovely. Love it.

Oh, Tumpy. Yeah, yeah. Tumpy's a name. Oh, right. I like that, Tumpy. Oh, fancy meeting Tumpy's a name. Ah. Ah, right. I ain't dead, Tumpy. Oh. Fancy meeting you here. Scouse John.

And you're in trouble, mate, if I don't get those snow globes back. Now, listen. You're going to feel my fist up your ass, mate. Now, listen, Scouse John. I've tried to shift those snow globes. They ain't got snow in, do they? That glitter, it's fucking Charlie, isn't it? You're fucking offloading a load of Charlie's

snow globes. What am I meant to do? Put them up my arse, Scouse John? No, I've got to put them up me nose. I ain't got them no more. Welsh David has taken them off me. Yucky da! Oh God, it's Welsh. Isn't it? It's big Welsh David. I've got to go.

And at nine, it's more wacky antics with Venus himself in another episode of the hit sitcom House of Beans. You, stay away from those beans. Who do you think you are? Anyone for beans? Oh, Venus. So you've come for the job of bean taster, have you? That's right, I like beans. What are your credentials, sir?

Oh, well, let me think. Oh, I like beans. Yes, what kind of beans are you specialising in? Oh, baked beans and one big bean. Well, unfortunately, this is a coffee bean office, sir. Oh, silly beanus. But before all that, it's time for another very special episode of Cheap Show with Paul Gannon and Ellie Silverman. Hello, yes, it's been a long time coming But we're back in the Cheap Show TV Show Board Game Quiz Show

Special episode of Cheap Show Board Game Podcast Can't wait for you to join us for another rip-roaring edition Of the Cheap Show Podcast TV Show Game Show Board Game Special edition Cheap Show board game pod and with me we've got two very special guests so let's not hassle about any longer you can't do it your head wobbles when you do that i know do you know that shut up let's not hassle about any any further you look like what was his name what was that a 70s comedian he used to do the Indian accent? All of them.

All of them. Dick Emery. Dick Emery. Yeah, probably. But Peter Sellers probably did it as well. The head wobble. Yeah, that wasn't my intention. Can I get that fucking clear?

You racist. One of those dogs in the back of a car. Oh, yeah. That's what he looked like. Not a racist. Thank you. I look more like the Windchurch. Oh, fuck off.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the... The Winchurch. Let me just get this show started. Let's just start again. No, we'll go. I think we should start again. We're still good. We're still good.

We can still go. Well, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Cheap Show Board Game Quiz Show TV Special Board Game Quiz Show Podcast Special Edition with me, your host, Paul Gannon, and with two lovely contestants. So let's meet our first right now. Oh, he's come all the way from where? And what's your name, sir? I'm Eli and I've come from Haringate.

And what's your profession? Actor. Why is that funny? Yeah, it is. What have people seen you in? Very little. Very little. Tell us an embarrassing story from your childhood.

I was in America and there was some poo-poo on my pants. In the back of this guy's car. Chris Zing, he was called. He took me in. Chris Zing he was called. He took me in. Chris Zing? Yeah. He was an A&R guy.

Not a real person. No he was a Yes Super fan. Oh I see now. And he agreed to pick us up because we were on tour. Yeah. And yeah I had a

little mishap in the but I only realised there was Pooper in the back seat with me. I was mortified. Well we hope you have a lot of fun on the show tonight. Thanks for coming along. All right, thank you.

Best of luck to you. There's some great prizes on tonight's show. What? I don't have any prizes. No. And our next contestant, where are you from and what's your name, sir? Mr Biffo, aka Paul Rose, and I am from the same place you're from. No, you're not.

Well, not originally. Honestly. We're all not even a real place. I'm only here as a guest. Yeah, you're a... You're an immigrant. Oh, dear. It's getting political.

You're an incomer. All right, well, tell... What's your job? Actor. I'm an actor. Yeah. Actor and road manager. Actor at all.

And maybe tell us an interesting story from your time as a road manager. Well, I was on tour with Emerson Lake and Palmer, and I had, like, poo on my chest. No, you didn't. You were just copying. How did it get there? You were just copying my poo rock-related story. It was Greg Lake sat on me.

And he trails us off. God, yeah. He's a nightmare for that, Greg Lake. You know what he calls it when he poos on your chest? An Emerson Palmer. What? That would be when he pulls it out with his hand. He calls it Tarkus.

Hey, deep cut. Thank you. I don't understand that reference it's one of their albums oh and it has an armadillo but on their album

Tarkus it's like a tank with an armadillo's head it's a weird biomorph their albums are shit yeah not my favourite

I thought I'd listen to one while I was doing the work yeah awful it's just noodling it's just noodling great solo stuff isn't bad I like I'd listen to one while I was doing the work. Yeah, awful. It's just noodling. It's just noodling. Great solo stuff isn't bad. Some of it. I like The Nice.

Oh, yeah. I listened to quite a lot of prog when I worked there. The Nice were the psychedelic band. I don't like a lot of prog. I know I've got this reputation, but I don't. You started, by the way. I don't think anyone else. No, because I like one prog band.

Well, a couple. Is Merillion prog? Is it? Well, technically, they don't really sound prog anymore. because I like one prog band. Well, a couple. Is Merillion prog? Is it? Well, technically, they don't really sound prog anymore, but yeah, they're labelled that because they have long songs. That's it.

So if your songs, in that case, 08 has been prog since 1997. Yeah, they had concept albums as well. Yeah, but they've only really done two, maybe three, out of push. Oh.

What's your favourite concept album? Oh, that's an interesting question. You, Eli. My favourite concept album could be Frank Zappa's We're Only In It For The Money. What's the concept behind that? They're only in it for the...

It's like a send-up of the Beatles and hippie culture. Oh, okay. But there's not a story going through. There is, because he keeps going back to this character, which in later albums he called the main controller, which he's this whispery guy. I hear, I control. And in between

all the songs they're all linked it's like a sound scale it's great alright Mr Biffo ah it's a tough

question isn't it toss up between just getting to learn a little bit more about our contestants what their prog

interests are yeah that's what the listeners tune in for isn't it I'm pitching this to the man channel I don't know but I'm going to have to say Marillion, aren't I? You don't have to.

It's a toss-up between Misplaced Childhood and their latest album, almost recent, which is called Fuck Everyone and Run, which is abbreviated to Fear. Oh. I'm going to go with the obvious answer, but it is true. I love War of the Worlds. Oh, fuck off. What's wrong with that? I do enjoy it. I like the sounds answer, but it is true. I love War of the Worlds. Oh, fuck off. What's wrong with that?

I do enjoy it. I like the soundscape. It's not a concept album. That is not a concept album. Why is it not? It's an album full of songs. It's a rock opera. But it has a concept.

It's a concept album. It's a show. It's a rock opera. It's not the same as a concept album. All right. Well, then I'm... So think of a bloody concept album. Come on.

Mr. Roboto. That's the baddie from Sonic. Roboto that's the baddie from Sonic no that's very that's very botnic I don't know

I thought that was a concept album no rock opera's slightly different I mean they tend to get lumped in because of Peter's

but a rock opera isn't it Quadrophenia's a rock opera I also object to War of the Worlds because he seems to put out

a different edition of that LP that's the only thing he's ever done. Every three months for as long as I've been alive. Yeah.

And they always rebrand the stage show. How can you keep selling it? It's still doing it, though, isn't it? Again and again and again. I went to the immersive, you know, they've got an immersive show. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all right.

I mean, it's a bit annoying as you expect those things to be. Yeah. But all the music's in it. Oh. I broke my telescope while I was there, as you expect those things to be. Yeah. But all the music's in it. Oh. I broke my telescope while I was there. You broke your telescope? A telescope.

Oh, a telescope. I had a hug with a soldier that went on for slightly too long. He broke it? I was quite drunk, because we'd been drinking cocktails beforehand. Were you like, is that your telescope? Are you just pleased to see me? I snapped it right off in my hand. And he went,oooh laa

that's the power of love ladies and gentlemen right so we're going to crack on with the show we have that was good chat thank you you're doing well

good bants yeah top bants we're going to crack on with the quiz in this episode of our two part it's two part

for various political and logistical reasons stop it's political now. We're just doing a two-part episode because we're running out of ideas. Stretch it out. In our first episode, the two games we will be playing based on TV shows that have become board games.

We are playing today, The Wheel of Fortune. You'll be playing head-to-head, Mr. Silverman and Mr. Biffo, to see who is the master of words. And then after that, we'll all be playing for a little bit of a laugh. Radio 4's Just A Minute. Because I've wanted to play Just A Minute as a game for ages. I thought it'd be fun. Do you think you'd be good at it? I don't know. It gives me anxiety, the thought of playing it. Does it?

Yeah, a little bit. All right. Throughout the game, there will be chances to buzz in, so everyone's got a buzzer. What colour would you like, Mr. Silverman? Red. Red, of course. What is would you like, Mr Silverman? Red. Red, of course. Watch out, the police are coming. In America. Hey, watch out, the police are coming.

Fine, I'll take that. What colour would you like? You got blue or yellow? I want it red. You can test the sound if you want to. That's hard, isn't it? That's a hard choice. It is a want to. That's hard now. That's a hard choice. It is a hard choice.

It's going to have to be blue. There we go. Therefore, I will go with... That's the problem with getting these out now, isn't it? What were you thinking? Oh, God almighty. The noise on the table that these set off is just... So he cues Zonduondo And now he joins in

Right, let's crack on Let's crack on with this edition of The Cheap Show Board Game TV Show Special Edition Podcast Part 2 to Part A Game Show Part A If you think ready meals can be dull in some cases And you want something quicker than takeaway places Then this idea should be right up your alley

It's quick and delicious and fresh from somebody There's fresh chicken breast, fresh veg you can tell And a spicy Indian sauce that goes very, very well It appears you soon got the hang of that You cooked it yourself in ten minutes flat Real easy recipes is what you do that makes them some valley When only the best will do the do Chipmunk, where are you?

Now there's me as well I've got a fresh lemon smell And still clean to a brilliant shine When you take up a weight, you feel great about yourself. You're making a difference in your life and your health. Slim Fast, it's what you're doing for you. That was really me and Jillian. Then I lost 50 pounds in six months on the Slim Fast plan.

The plan is easy. A shake for breakfast breakfast another for lunch a sensible dinner even bars as snacks give slim fast a week see the weight come off it's wheel of Fortune. Here's your host, Paul Gannon. It's showtime. Oh, you're fucking stupid noises because you did the mouth noise. It's my favourite new thing that I do.

It's not new. In terms of the podcast, it's a reasonably new invention. You have done it on Digi as well. Have I? Yeah. You do it all the fucking time, Paul. Showtime, everybody. And we're going to start off this amazing jewel of mine

with our first game, and that is the Wheel of Fortune. Now, this version I got from a charity shop. No, I didn't. I got this on eBay for £4.99. That's good. Not bad. It's in very good condition. It's similar to the Family Feud.

Yes. Board game that we played with Greg. What's it called? Family Fortunes. Yeah. With an upright representing the screen. A miniature of what the set is on the show itself, isn't it? Yeah.

It looks a bit like uh guess who you know with the flaps down like that from here similar design to as guess who what's the guess who killer question there's some one certain question that you get it sort of who is it is it they should do a killer guess who with like murderers guess who's yeah guess who the killer is they haven't done guess who they could do they could tie in

with everything guess who like they do with Monopoly they put a different skin on the Monopoly do a serial killer version of guess who do a Star Wars guess who

that's horrible they probably are they must have already done that no the thing is though it's like does he have green skin

yes is he Yoda yes that's it because who else could be Greedo it's not see

or Jabba has he got a helmet on or Jabba's green as well then it's either Boba Fett or Darth Vader or one of several

is it Blast Stormtroopers yes it's Darth Vader they could have a zombie one wouldn't a zombie one be good a zombie set of guess who

where they've got all the classic characters but they're all zombies has he got one eye yeah they've all they've all got matte degenerative macular degeneration that's your eyes isn't it my mum's got that the macular degeneration version of guess who is that is that left eye minus 4.75 right so we are playing the wheel of fortune and yes they have recreated the famous board

that we saw on the TV show that's the anagram board yeah it's not an anagram what would you call it it's just a hidden word missing word it's basically

hangman hangman yes it is just hangman with a point system always hated hangman yeah what's the point of that well it's just

well it's a game but there's the there's the cheats version as well with it's just the... Well, it's a game. But there's the... There's the game. Cheats version as well with the extra long version where you don't just do like arms, legs, body, head. You do like kind of forearm

and like... Oh, you break the body up into more limbs. And score all conk. And you need all strats holding up the beam at the top of the... Yeah.

What do they call that? Gallows. Yeah, you go to town and then you put a background in, a cactus, horse walking. I'm going to go get some varnish. Finish this off. It's not a real gallows we're building.

No, but you could still go get some varnish. Give the guy another few guesses. That's a good idea. A real hangman. Hangman in real life. You build the gallows and then bit by bit you put a body around a noose. That doesn't really work. Yeah, it might not.

Yes, so we're playing the Wheel of Fortune. Now, did you ever watch Wheel of Fortune? No. Lovely action there. And go, oh, that's easy, it's obvious.

It's to live or die in LA. You know what I mean? What's always got me about it is the scoring. It seems quite arcane and difficult to follow. Well, no, it's just you collect as many points as you can by spinning the wheel. It seems quite arcane and difficult to follow. Well, no, it's just you collect as many points

as you can by spinning the wheel. But then sometimes those points go somewhere. Well, no, they don't. You can go, well, obviously when you're on bankrupt, you lose everything. Oh, you lose everything on bankrupt?

Everything you've won in that round. So even if you've stopped spinning and it moves around the board and it comes back to you, if you go bankrupt, you still lose the money from the previous turn. So it's a complete wipeout. So that's the

risk. Do you risk spinning it? Do you want to take the gamble and guess it? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That's the rules. So what's going to happen is in turn, you'll spin the wheel. That will tell you how much the word is worth that you're looking for. So it could be $900, $400, lose a turn, bankrupt, you'll lose everything. That's the scoring.

If you said, for instance, O, oh no, you can't do vowels you can't pick vowels you have to buy a vowel how much is a vowel i think it's 200 points dollars each see i'm buying with the money i see i should have watched it but i didn't know we were doing it so if you told me so if you say if you work if you land on 700 right this is good this is gonna grind to a hole and then you say t then you say T. And there's four Ts in the game. Then you get, you know, four times 700 points. I've turned off.

I turned off the minute you started. Right, you don't need these in those sections. Oh! Poor! If you can't be trusted, you can't be given them. Don't put your shades on as if you're doing poker. I'm putting my sunglasses on. I'm serious.

What have you got to prove you're serious? I didn't bring my shades. No, I know. This is so you can't read me. We know you're a knobhead, mate. It's fine. We don't need sunglasses to hide that. Knobhead.

What have you got to prove? You called me a prat the other day as well. Yeah, I'm just weirdo. It doesn't have to be. Pranny. Pranny. Wazzock. Pillock. Dinkfuss. I love pillock as well. Weirdo. It doesn't have to be. Pranny. Pranny. Wazzock. Pillock.

Doofus. I love pillock as a word. Wally. Dingus. Cunt. I win. So, spin the wheel each first, and then whoever gets the highest spin wins. What are they? Doofus.

And all these cubes, they were for the previous other version. Because here's the thing. This game originally came with this little wheel. Oh, that's terrible. That's not very good at all. How do you mean to do that? You're meant to spin it in your hand like that. That's terrible. You've got to put it flat, otherwise you'd only get the points at the bottom every time, wouldn't you? So you spin

it, put it down. That's where they made their savings. So the ball bearing spins around the plastic case and lands on the wheel in the middle. There we are. We get the idea. So forget that. That's why I bought, at a charity shop, this one pound version of Wheel of Fortune Bingo where instead of numbers

it was letters and you spin it to try and match on your card the letters on the sentence so the first person who completed this sentence wins.

So all I did is I went to see Stuart Ashen the other day and he helped me out and he printed out a wheel and I've stuck it over this toy. So now this is...

How did he... Does he have some kind of cutting device that made it... No, I cut it myself with scissors out of a piece of paper and stuck it over this toy. So now this is... How did he... Does he have some kind of cutting device that made it? No, I cut it myself with scissors out of a piece of paper and stuck it to the plastic. But where did you print that out? You found that online?

Yeah, I found the wheel online as an image. So I just sent it to him. He printed it out. I cut it out, stuck it to that plastic toy. And now we have a much bigger and, let's be honest, more impressive wheel. It's got a nice kinetic action. That wasn't my go.

No, that's fine. Eli is spinning first. Shall I? Yeah, go for it. Oh, what's that? 350. 350. Biffo?

What's that? There we go. It's not lining up with the thing. This is not working now, Paul. Yeah, it's all gone out of kilter. So look, everything was in the middle there's no yeah

you need some glue we need some glue or some tape some spittle it's not look it's all swimming around within the inner ring

so that could have been anything I could have had 700 you did get 700 and we're moving on we're moving on we're moving on alright so

whole thing's fucked I'll stab you with this pencil I'll just fucking do it I'll just stab it right in your temple do you remember when you did this before like a couple years ago we were around yours in Canebro

and we we did this it was all so good natured then and now you're threatening to stab me in the eye with a pencil your temple stabs you with a temple

it's quicker stop touching the table I've just realized it's making noise i'm angry yeah you are an angry man who's going first right so you have control of the wheel so here is on the board the word today it is a quotation it is three words and all you've got to do now is spin the wheel and we'll take it from there. 1,000. So, pick a letter that you think is in that sentence, in that quotation. You can't pick a vowel,

but for every letter you get correct, you will get 1,000 points. P, please, Paul. P. Why are you doing that? There is no P. Have you thought Venus could have another mate who likes peas? Everyone has done that joke, Eli.

I hate to break it to you. It just occurred to me now. I even got it yesterday. It's like literally every other day. It only just occurred to me. I'm sorry. Why don't you stick to pretending you're good doing the voice of fat Sal?

Sal. Fuck off. I know. Right, Eli, it's your turn to spin the wheel. Continue A. Bankrupt. What does that mean?

It means nothing. It means you don't get a go. But look at the... I mean, I'm not... I don't really want to argue with it. There you go, bankrupt. It's more to the £3,500. It's Mr Biffo's go again.

Spin the wheel. I'm spinning. Oh, another thousand. He just smacks it down. Why doesn't he have a grand from the last time? Because the letter wasn't there. Is it when the letter is there, that's when you score? See, it's a bit...

And I did tell you this. You weren't listening because you're in one of your I'm angry moods. Right, here we go. T. Tuh. Tuh. Look at him I'm angry moods. Right, here we go. T. Tuh. Tuh. Look at him. Cogs turning.

Oh, don't! It is not there. There is no P and there's no T. All right, Mr. Silverman, it is your go again. I'm going to spin the wheel here. Bankrupt. Oh, wow. Every single bloody time. Go on. Bankrupt. Wow. Every single bloody time.

Go on. 400. So, what do you think is there? L. It's got to be there. Come on. Oh, yes. Bing.

L. Bing. Bing. That is 1,200 pounds. Points. So, now, you can either try and solve it, or if you want, you can spin again. What happens if I solve it and get it wrong?

I know. Then Eli can have a go and then try and win. All right, here we go. Loser turn. Can I guess? No, you have to spin the wheel first. And also, you don't want to guess because you only get 500 points for guessing all in all.

At least that would make him still win ahead of you. It's so complicated for a stupid game. I was going to say, yeah. 300. So, 300, Mr. Silverman, what do you think? Do I keep control? If that letter's there, then it goes... No, you go again until you get it wrong or you pass.

A Q. control if that letter's there then it goes no you go again until you get it wrong or you pass uh oh there we go so that is 300 points for mr silverman and i'm going to spin again now you can spin again if you would like yes here we go round and. Round and round it goes. Where it stops, nobody knows. Here we go. 300 points. So, do you want to choose another letter? Yeah. What, how about a V?

Is there a V? You've only just introduced that one. I know, but I just remembered I had that. I didn't get a noise. He's using our buzzers. To be fair, you've not had any letters right yet. Stop using our buzzers. I bloody have.

I had L. All right, well then. had L. All right. Thank you. All right. What did you say? I didn't say nothing. Pick a letter. Pick a letter. Pick a letter.

It'll be worth 300 points. I'm trying to see where the non-vowel letters. Yeah. C. C? Yes. Ba-ding. Sorry. One C. So you've gotding! Ah! Sorry.

One C. So you've got L blank, B blank. That still only puts you at 600 points, and Mr Biffo's still at 1,200. It's completely unfair. Well, no, because he got the Ls, which gave him a lot of points on the 400 points he landed on. Didn't he?

You're just going to make it so I lose, aren't you? I'm not. How can I? I have no... have no you've got magnets in this wheel you know what i gave you three of the points i could have given you lose a turn that would have been me messing with the system and making you lose so say thank you thank you thank you now spin it again and around it goes you're gonna say that every time yes 3 500 oh he's making me lose.

So do you want to have a guess? Oh yeah, Love Conquers All. Right, so that means you get 500 points. Because if you'd picked the letter first, you could have got 3,500 points. I don't understand that! I do get that! Which means you only get the 500 point bonus from guessing the answer right.

You didn't explain that to me clearly. USA. USA. USA. At the end of that round it's Eli with 1,100 points and Mr. Biffa with 1,200 points. You did that.

You engineered that. USA. Love conquers all is the right answer. You did that. You engineered that. USA. Love conquers all is the right answer. I certainly do. Congratulations to me. We're going to do round two. Let me just set it up.

Can you point out to me next time if I'm throwing points away? Please. No. You're right. He did do that on purpose. I'll give you that.

He totally did. The taste of victory smells sweeter. The toasted victory. The toasted victory. It's got some cheese on it. Cheesy victory. Right. Cheesy Vic.

Ladies, when Brentford's lowered their sale price of blankets, they sold thousands. When they reduced their sale price of polyester cotton sheets to £169, you bought in millions. You keep buying and they'll keep the prices down. Alright? Welcome back after that stunning advertisement break

full of things we hope you like and you might want to buy. What, I've put an advert break? Oh, you've put one in. We've got to record the adverts now. So we're going to play round two of the We Love Fortune. You've the adverts now. So we're going to play round two of the We Love Forge. You've gone too far now. You've gone too far enough.

Right, so we are on round two and we have a new word on the board. Piddly-dings. It's three words on the board. Yeah, it's three words. Things. Things. They're all things. Oh, I didn't know the last one had a category.

Yeah, quotation it was. Yeah. Again, that was made clear. No, it wasn't. You're terribly explaining. Is Love Conquers All Shakespeare? I believe so. I believe so.

From what play? Love Conquers All. The movie. Love Conquers All. Except racism And political differences Right So we are now On to

Round two And it's things Of the category And we have three words On the board I believe it's eight Three and nine Letters

Right Mr Biffo is ahead So Eli you get to go first In this round Is that what happens I believe so Round and round it goes Eight hundred Eight hundred points Mr Silfman So, Eli, you get to go first in this round. Is that what happens? I believe so.

Round and round it goes. 800. 800 points, Mr. Silvers. Let's just go from where it's pointing. Yeah, I'm fine with that. 800 points. So, pick a letter. When it says things, couldn't it be more specific? Just guys like literally everything.

Some things. All things. They're things. Everything's a thing. Because I know what the answer is. Yes, they are things, but they're abstract things. Abstract things. All things. Everything's a thing. Because I know what the answer is. Yes, they are things, but they're... But are they a collection? Abstract things.

Abstract things. Well, you'll find out when you get it, it'll probably make sense. Anyway, pick a letter. Like an unspecified sense of longing. Yes. Abstract like that. Yes. Ennui.

Ennui. That's where all the side games went. Ennui. I'm not laughing at that. I thank you all, ladies and gentlemen. I thank you all. they were where all the side games went on we i like peas did you do that yeah Yeah. I pee. Oh, I pee. I pee.

What the hell is that? Oh, I pee. But that's the other thing you do, that high pitch. Why do you do that? Well, it's baby voice. Oh, baby pee. Baby penis. You sound like baby penis. It's not different.

Anyway. Pe-pe-pe-pee-pee. Pick a goddamn letter. T. T. Oh. Oh, no. Wrong one. T. T. Oh. Oh, no. Wrong one.

No! Hang on. Herald. You dirty old man. Bing, bing, bing. There are three, which means that gets you what? 800 times three. Please do the math, Mr. Silverman.

2,400. 2,400, making that 3,500 Yes So that's how much you've got Do you know what it is? Or do you want to spin again? The bonus this round is 1,000 points I'll spin again Paul

I've got no idea what it is Just say some T's T-T's T-T's T-T's out 3 T's Yes T-T's He spins-T's. Oh, get your T-T's out. Three T's. Yes. T-T's.

He spins, and it lands on 800 points. 800, yeah. 800. Dollar. Dollar. All the more.

Paul, I'm going to have to tax you for some dollar. I don't really understand, but it was funny. I don't understand. And it also was funny. I don't know. I it was funny I don't understand And it also was funny I don't know I think it's the dollar Yeah

As in the singular Yeah Right so another letter then yeah Yeah That would be good S Oh mate No what's that

That means he didn't There's no S There is no S I thought the red one before Was no S It's alright So that's Wrong

And that's You were using the red one before The red one is off no S. It's all right. So that's wrong, and that's... You were using the red one before. The red one is off-putting because it's red. I'm moving it out of play. You can't be changing the klaxons mid-flow. Well, how dare you? They're a good band.

Right, here we go. Come on. 700. 700. Right, what... B. B. B.

B for bees and bums. Ah. No. I've made my hand hover. Hang on. Which one's which? Oh, for fuck's sake. There is no B.

No B. So it goes over down to Silverman. Do I spin first? You do spin, yes. 600. 600. What are you going to go for? No, there's no Bs, Ss or Ts.

Yes. There are Ts. I can see the Ts. Make that clear. Yes, make it clear. It's been made clear. P? No P.

Hands back now. What manner of words are these? I know. 900. 900. Oh, dirty. Dirty But what are you going to go for? You could score big here

There could be several What? What the fuck is this? It's no Oz Is it all in Chinese or something? It's a lot of vowels is what I'm thinking Can I buy a vowel? Yes you can, they cost you £200 each Now I know I can buy a vowel No ours! Is it all in Chinese or something? It's a lot of vowels, is what I'm thinking. Can I buy a vowel?

Yes, you can. They cost you £200 each. Ah, now I know I can buy a vowel. How much have I got? Well, you've got £3,500. You're way ahead. I'll buy a vowel, please. What would you like? E.

E. Yes, there are two E's, so that's now, what, £400. Now you're down to £3,100. Does that help you? Oh, I have to pay for each one? Yeah. Well, I don't know then. It could take all my money.

It should be one price for all the vowels. Yeah, there is. It's 200 points and you've got two of them. That's the same vowel. Yeah, it's E and you've got them twice. Fucking making it up as you're going along. I am not making it up. You just don't care until you lose.

You could have a word with 10 vowels and lose thousands. And you'd lose all your money. If he said O, and the answer was O, and he bought the vowel O, then yeah, it would probably take all his money. This is a terrible game. Also, it's a very visual game, and I'm realising how difficult this is going to be for your listeners.

Doesn't matter. It's a bit of fun. Spin the wheel. We're having a laugh. It's all about... That's the important thing. 900. I'm going to give you 900. So, 900.

You've had S, T, D... No, you've not had T, D. Just wrote it in the middle. B, R and E. That was the vowel that was bought. That was the one that was bought. Sorry. So, you've got S, T, B, R.

What else? L. L, you say. L for loser. Okay, stop with the whole... Stop with the buzzers. What else? L. L, you say. L for loser. Okay, stop with the whole tension thing. I'm like, Chris Tarrant. Ho-ho, Chris Tarrant. No, you're not.

No, you're just like a penis. There you go. So there are... Hang on. So there was 900 and there is... The first and last word begin with L. Yes. I'm helping the listeners at home here

to try and picture what I'm saying what happens when we run out of consonants in the word well usually the word's full then by that point

no it's not if you've gone out of all the you've got the vowels left and then that should be the easy part yeah but what if I can't afford vowels

well then you just can't play and you have to go if I've got a zero I can't buy a vowel yeah then I have to miss a turn well no because you can get into negative amounts of money but then win it back theoretically see

what i mean this game is this is one of the longest running shows on television every every rule ahead of time i'm just saying do it as it comes i've never managed to follow the rules when i used to watch it on telly shut up i used to watch this game i'll tell you what the fuck's going on with these rules i don't know what's going on and I still don't know what's going on you haven't explained shit to me there was no surprise there do you want to guess or spin again Mr Biffo

before Eli has another little paddy on well he's got a point you could win this so do you want to 500 550 alright so pick another this so do you want to five hundred five hundred five fifty five fifty sorry five fifty all right so pick another you've got t d b l r and the vowel e has been bought t and e are on the board and l

s s has already been gone oh yes no s um i will have N. N. For nip nips. How are we doing? Oh, thank you for not. N is there. I think I know what that word is. So we have two Ns there. That means you've got what?

1,100 points. I keep thinking, you see it says things and then there's the 94 next to it up there. Yeah. I keep thinking it's like some kind of catalogue from the 90s things 94 you know the little wood things

catalogue oh I can't wait what's in this week's edition of things just a bunch of things here's some paper clips now that's what I call things paper clips

99p why does it say 94 at the top it's because it's number 94 clue it's modular this yes it is I swapped the card in's because it's number 94 clue it's modular this yes it is

I swapped the card in and out and behind the card is the module do you want to spin again I'm spinning again one more 600 600

so what do you want to go with you've got S T B L R N

they've been untaken you've got E also there what else would you like I reckon this is safe why why because I love you And they've been untaken. You've got E also there. What else would you like? Why? Why? Because I love you. What?

No, why? On the board hand. Back over to Mr. Silverman now. Does Mr. Silverman want to have a go with spin? I'm going to spin. Spin it, baby. Round and round she goes. Where she stops, nobody knows.

Lose a turn. So it's back to Mr Mr Biffo to spin. Oh, 300. K. Oh no. No. Sorry, that was my mistake. Stop it. No K on the board. Stop that. Silverman, spin the wheel. It's your turn. 550.

550. 550. Go on. Pick a letter. I'm really stumped here, Paul. Good. That makes this challenging. You've got L blank, T blank, T blank, E. Something blank.

So what's confusing me with the top word is I keep thinking it's little. But those T's are spaced. There's a letter between the two T's. Could be an I. Could be anything, couldn't it? No, it could be an I, though. Couldn't it be off? What would it be then?

I don't know. No, what would it... It'd be tit. Yeah. Hey! Right, what a long walk to get to tit. Tit-ay. Tit-ay.

Tit-ay. Yeah, but you do realise... I ate Tato's off her titties Let's crack on with the show I'm just playing for time Have we guessed M? Have you guessed M? Would you like to guess M?

M is not on there I would then like for now Paul to guess M What is this word? It's the magical word that shall not be spoken like a rumpled dirt skin. Right. Oh, I wasn't going to buy that. 550. 550.

Oh, I've done R. D. I'll have the D, please, Paul. Let's have the D. We know where the D is. Oh, I know now. You missed one. That's 300. That's 1,500.

I want to guess. 1,000. 1,650. 1,650. Thank you very much. 1,650. Add to that, which is 5,750 at the moment

playing Eli's 3,100 I'm going to guess are you going to guess I'm going to guess although I take for 1,000 points I take issue with the fact

that this is under the category things which imply to me like something you can hold in your hand a physical thing I was very abstract you did say abstract

I did say though didn't I I was saying washing machines and kettles yeah I know but it's not. That's not my guess, by the way. No. I have chosen that to be your final answer. Aye!

You want a punch in the armpit? It's not that either. Latitude and longitude. Latitude and longitude. See, those things. Why have you gone and added an extra two numbers? Latitude and longitude Those things Why have you gone and added An extra two numbers Letters

When you put them in In different orientations Oh that's good isn't it It's very modular So that means Your final score At the end of The Wheel of Fortune

How's that it Is it Is 6,750 points Playing Eli Silverman's 3,100. Mr. Biffo, you are the winner of this round. And with that in mind,

Eli now will be eating at the end of the show because he lost this game. One double dare bean. Oh, I didn't know the beans. Oh, you've introduced the beans. Yes, I'm surprised you can do it now with beans.

The beans. The beans. One double the beans. Yes, I'm surprised you know it now. With beans? Beans. The beans. Beans. Do you want to do the funny voice? I don't have a funny voice, Paul. That one's quite good. Right, so, ladies and gentlemen. What kind of beans am I looking forward to?

Well, it's all the blood and snail and stuff. Snail, snot. And snot and gizzards. Poo. They don't do poo, do they? They should do poo Snail, snot. Snot and gizzards. Poo. They don't do poo, do they? They should do poo. They're cowards. Yeah.

Dirty nappy. Shitty bumhole nappy. What's stopping them? They do vomit. So what's stopping them doing poo? Poo is the taboo. Taboo. Right.

Well, it's now time for another exciting advertisement break. Join us after the ads for more exciting Cheap Show Game Show Board Game Special TV Show Pod Board Game Special Edition after the break. Tired of doing the same old thing every night? Well, try Microvision, a programmable new handheld electronic game system. Blockbuster comes with the Microvision unit, but there are four other cartridges.

Connect Four, Shooting Star, or for faster action, Bowling or Pinball. Get Microvision from MB Electronics. Up the Ladder is a race to get your team to the top, but other players can knock you all off the ladder. Again again and again till finally someone wins and now fighter pilot a game that calls for skill throttle hard climb die the aim is to shoot down all the enemy planes before time runs out oh no my turn better win Up the ladder and fight a pilot. Two more games from Action GT. Welcome to Just A Minute. My name is Paul Gannon and as the minute waltz fades away Once more it is my great pleasure to introduce you To two talented, handsome

Sexual, creative Funny, arousing Squat, weird, round Abstract, angular Biscuits, carrot Frond How amusing Just a minute, on my left it is actor and comedian

eli silverman thank you hello and writer of such hit shows as oh madam and don't forget your gravy pouch it is mr biffo hello everyone hello i like that. We're going to be playing just a minute. I'm going to be failing. Yeah, I'm really not feeling confident about this. But you've heard just a minute, though, in the past, haven't you? No. I know what it is, but it's the not doing the um, uh. Yeah.

All the little ums and uhs. That are part of my natural cadence and rhythm to speech. Exactly. That's exactly what I was thinking. I have a halting delivery. It's about concentration, isn't it? No, it's about the way I fucking talk. It's how I process language.

Yeah, but this isn't how you talk. God, why did you tell me to hold that pole? I don't fucking talk for you. Why did you give me that thing? I don't talk for you the way you want me to. The point of just a minute. I don't do that for anybody. The point of just a minute

is a different mental exercise, isn't it? It's not about your common cadence. It's about adapting to fit the game, right? And half of the game is the challenge of people interrupting and challenging you on a point.

I don't like challenges. I just like sitting at home on the sofa. Now, usually there's four people and a judge, but I want to play, so there's three people and no judge,

so we'll all have to judge. Oh, we'll have to agree. You haven't thought this out. I have, and I thought this would be good. Is that judge. Oh, we'll have to agree. You haven't thought this out. I have. And I thought this would be good. Is that what you thought, Paul? It's what we're doing. So the idea is you get a topic, right?

So who's got the ultimate say and who gets the point? I reckon we'll just do it automatically. Two out of three of us will agree. That's how we go. Democracy. Democracy. It gets worse and worse. Yeah.

What about those bonus points you used to give out for being funny? Well, you won't be getting any of that, will you? You don't have to worry about that. So, it is a game where you will speak for a minute on a chosen subject, but you must not hesitate, deviate, or repeat yourself during that 60 seconds

if you think that person does. You will buzz in. I will buzz in like this. Eli will buzz in like this. Eli will buzz in like this. Mr. Biffo. And then you can challenge. You can say, oh, you did that, or you repeated, or you went off on a tangent. And then we'll all discuss it and we'll see how it goes. And it might go

horribly. And if you get right through to the end and are uninterrupted for a minute, you get a bonus point. And also, if you're interrupted falsely. Yes. And you also get a point if you're speaking when the timer goes. So you've got to stop exactly.

No, you just keep talking. Just keep talking. Yeah, you don't have to time it to a minute. Exactly. You've just got to go for at least a minute without being, you know, without hesitating, deviating, or... Being a deviant.

Being a deviant. Right, I'm going to get my clock up. What was that about deviancy? Yeah. Right. Fuck your clock out. Who would like to go first on Just A Minute? I won't because I'm leading this.

I'll go. I'll take one for the team. I'm ready. I'm going to fail immediately. There's a big stack of these Just A Minute cards. I'll let you pick any topic you want. I'm going to fail immediately. There's a big stack of these just-a-minute cards. I can feel it. I can feel a big fail coming. Yeah, but again, you might get points from just chipping in right at the end and getting the point and chipping in. You know what I mean?

59. Oh, yeah. Deviated. Yeah, you get the point. And they always just go, Yeah, yeah, yeah, don't they? No, that's really uncivilised. I've never seen that. When they've only got three seconds to go, And I'm there, yeah, yeah, don't they? They cheat. Come on, pick a card uncivilised. I've never seen that. They've only got three seconds to go, and I'm there, there, there, don't they?

They cheat. Come on, pick a card. Sorry. The topic is? My subject is visiting the doctor. Oh. Topical, isn't it? Oh, fuck.

Daily Not Medical 111. So you have one minute to talk on the topic of visiting the doctor. You can use the words on the card as many times as you like, but everything else is repetition. What if I just said visiting the doctor, visiting the doctor? That would count as repetition. What about the? You can say the.

The is iffy. If you use it spread out, it's not too bad. But if you go, the man went to the doctor and the doctor said, then all of a sudden. Why would anyone talk like that? Well, that's the point, isn't it? You're meant to think around these common conversational shortcuts that we use in our speech to discourse within one another.

Are you practicing? Don't practice. No, stop practicing. You shut up. Whenever you're ready, Eli, we'll start the clock. Ready? Yep. And your time starts on Visiting the Doctor now. When I'm visiting the doctor,

I like to bring along a little bag with some sandwiches in. I have a ham one, and a cheese one. You said one twice. Oh, fuck! I always do that! It's the way I talk. Again, it's not about the way you talk. I could have got it done

for being irrelevant. What's the one? Hesitation. No, deviation. I was right on the sandwiches immediately. A few more seconds. Right, are you ready? What's happening now? What about points?

You don't have any points. What's going on now? Oh, no, do I get a point for the intro? Oh, okay. Are you taking over? Yeah, I'm playing. You get a point

for a successful interruption. All right, cool. So that's one then. Sweet. This is good. Right, there is 10 seconds gone on the clock. That's, what, 50 seconds left? Yes. Excellent. Here we go. And the time. And your subject is good. Right. There is 10 seconds gone on the clock. That's what, 50 seconds left?

Yes. Excellent. Here we go. And the time. And your subject is visiting the doctor. When I visit the doctor, I often find it a stressful and unpleasant experience. I don't often get to go, but when I do, it tends to be for a problem downstairs. Maybe my winky could also be my arsehole at times. I went to the doctor the other day and had to get my bottom

out. The doctor didn't... Hesitation. Yeah, alright, I'll give you that. Shit, it's hard this, isn't it? I'm going to be terrible. I'm not even noticing when people are hesitating. Let alone when I do it.

Right, so 34 seconds gone, 26 left. So on the subject of visiting the doctor, are you ready, Eli? Your time starts now. Visiting the doctor is a sport in Prussia where they eat sandwiches. Yeah? sandwiches. Yeah. Oh, mate.

I'm terrible at this. This is going to be great fun. Did you interrupt then? Yeah. Yeah. What was the challenge? Oh, you hesitated and said sandwiches again.

Said sandwiches again. Point for Mr. Biffo there. So it's your turn to take over. There are 18 seconds left. Right, okay. And your time on the topic of visiting the doctor begins now. Visiting the doctor is something I like to do twice a year, on my birthday and Christmas.

The most recent visit to the doctor was for pleurisy, a disease that I believe first came into prominence in the Victorian era around the end of the Industrial Revolution. Oh, that's a shit move with two seconds left. I slipped. I was on a roll. Biff will get an extra point for that then.

Because you interrupted and the challenge was failed. That was a cunt move. I slipped, honestly. I slipped. I didn't slip. Are you slipped holding this? I was spellbound. I didn't know what was... I was transported to a different world by then. I didn't slip. Are you slipped holding this? I was spellbound. I didn't know what was... I was transported to a different world by then. Yeah, Victorian era.

Well, look, he can do it now. He still could go, and instantly clock off. Well, he's only got two seconds. Well, still, I've seen challenges happen in that time. All right? So, you've got two seconds about visiting the doctor, Mr. Biffo,

and your time starts now. I like the part where the doctor... There we go. You are a point for talking as the clock ends. That's three points at the end of that round. One point for me, one point for Eli. I hadn't anticipated that. You're a lot better at it than you led us to believe.

The stress of it. Honestly, I've got high blood pressure after that. Honestly, seriously, as I'm talking, I can feel my neck tensing up. Right, well then it's your turn to start next. Oh, what locks. So, big stack of cards. Again, these are just a minute-bought game from M&S,

a Christmas stocking filler kind of thing. Again, I saw it in a charity shop for like a quid. Right, are you ready? Your time. Mr. Biffo, on the topic of hair loss without repetition, deviation or hesitation, begins now. Hair loss is not an issue that I have ever suffered from. It is a problem that was first...

Balls! Balls of piss! Hesitation. Yeah, hesitation, Mr. Silverman. Do you know why? Because I thought of a good pun, and I was concentrating on that instead of just letting my tongue roll.

Oh, ladies. Ladies. Yeah, never try and think of a pun. That's where you go wrong. I couldn't help it. I saw the words, and they popped into my head. That's all I could think of.

Right, Silverman. Hair loss, that's your topic. You now have 53 seconds left on the clock to talk on that subject, Silverman. Hair loss. That's your topic. You now have 53 seconds left on the clock to talk on that subject. Beginning now. It has been said that men who suffer from premature hair loss are very...

That's dull, isn't it? That was partly a slip, but it was a little bit hesitant. I'm going to give him it. I'm going to let him have that because I kind of think... Do I lose a point? No, not at all. Eli gets a point though. Yeah. And I get to continue. Continue on the topic of hair loss. Beginning now.

They have higher oestrogen or the other one oestrogen. What's it called? Oestridge. I'm going to say that was deviation from logic. I forgot what that was called. What's the male one?

Oestrogen. Oestrogen. Oestrogen. Oestrogen. Oestrogen. Oestrogen. Oestrogen eggs. I'll suck an ostrich egg with a straw.

Have you seen ostrich eggs? Yes. They're huge. Do you remember we had that century egg? Imagine they did that with an ostrich egg. Right, okay. Hand off the table, by the way, to just pick it up a little bit.

Right, is it my go? Yes, it is. I have 38 seconds left to talk on the subject of hair loss, beginning now. In my family, I do believe there is a habit of men in the fuck holes.

Hesitation. Yeah, hesitation the fuck holes. Hesitation. Yeah, hesitation. Fucking hell. Hesitation. Right, Mr. Silverman, hair loss. I'm walking down the road. Hesitation. 31 seconds left, Mr. Silverman.

All right. Start now. They have virility, these bald men. Their bags are full of spunk, ready to pump out the end of their knobs, which also resemble their bald heads, which is a nice similarity in the form. Hair loss is something that I've suffered from, but usually because I'm pulling my own hair out.

Is that hair loss or just hair destruction? I don't know. And I... Shit! Shit! Shit! Oh, I looked at the fucking clock. I don't know. And I... Shit! Shit! Shit! Oh, I looked at the fucking clock. I shouldn't have looked at the clock. That was you. That was you.

That was you. Oh, I shouldn't have looked at the fucking clock. I couldn't believe how well I was doing. You both were looking at me like, yeah, I can't think of anything he's done wrong. Yeah, I wasn't catching anything. So, Mr. Biffo, what is your challenge? Oh, he completely started swearing and... Hesitation, I wasn't catching anything. So, Mr. Biffo, what is your challenge? Oh, he completely

started swearing and... Hesitation, I think. Hesitation. I suppose you would call it. Four seconds left on the clock. Talking about hair loss. Mr. Biffo, your time starts now. The first documented case of hair loss occurred in Neanderthal times, when cavemen known as

cavey shavers... There we go, that's it. Cavey shavers. The one I thought. The one I thought of was Hairloss the Jackal. That's what I thought. That was what threw me. No, that's good. Hairloss the...

The day of the hair loss. Right. I'm going to shuffle the pack now for a topic to start on. It's your go to start. Yes, it is my go to start. Are we going to have another round after this? Yes, we're going to do one each. It's all right, it's a good game.

I take it all back. Oh, the subject here today is pointless inventions. So I will begin the topic of pointless inventions without repetition, deviation or hesitation. And I'll let you start, Eli. Just the little blue arrow thing. This fucking annoys me. You know what? Don't bother.

It's fine. I'll do it, but I just want to say I object to the fact that it's got a play button to start a timer. Does it all have to be a fucking play button? Move on. Just a direction button. Are you ready? Pointless inventions is your subject. Talk for a fucking play button. Move on. Just a direction book. Are you ready? Pointless Inventions is

your subject. Yes. Talk for a minute. Yeah. And go. My name is Professor Paul Gannon and I make Pointless Inventions. Would you like to hear of some that I've made in my varied and amazing career? Well, let's begin with my invention that I

like to call the toenail rump-a-dump. What you do with this is you take the offending items from the foot and then place it in the machine that I called earlier. So what happens is it polishes it and turns it into a lovely, delightful snack that you can feed. What? Deviation. That's not pointless. That has a point. That machine has a point. It turns toenails into food. That'd be pointless. That has a point. That machine has a point. It turns toenails into food.

That'd be great. That's a lot of points. Think of who you could feed with that. You could feed everyone with their own toenails. I was backing him up. Yeah. Fuck off.

You said it was pointless. Nah. It wasn't pointless. Snacks. You can't defend that. Right. Fine. Okay.

Fine. Right. Silverman, you're in control of the topic of pointless inventions. You're 32 seconds left on the clock and your time starts now. A pointless invention that I came across the other day

was an umbrella with holes in it. See, Paul? That's what... That's not pointless, is it? It is. What does it do? It makes people who like rain... No, but they don't need it.

Sorry. It's your shit. No, it's not. You shit. You? It makes people who like rain. Nah, but they don't need it. Sorry, I'm Molly Lanside. Yeah. No, it's not. You shit. You haven't got logical chops, mate. That was just you being vindictive. I get one for an incorrect interruption as well. Oh, God.

You can't even be vindictive in this game. Right. You have 26 seconds left, but still, your time starts now. Another pointless invention that I came up with several years ago was a cheese grater made of jelly.

That went down very well at children's parties. Another pointless invention that I've thought of is a lampshade made of iridescent

shit! Shit! Shit! Keeps happening. Go on, I'll let you have that. Right at the end again.

Yeah, fucking hell. Go on, what'll let you have that. Right at the end again. Yeah, fucking hell. Go on, what is it? What's your challenge? Wait, he just lost it. Pest-totion. I still need to hear it, just in case you say... I don't know, deviation, I disagree. Right, you have eight seconds left.

Hang on, I've got windy pops. Shouldn't have had that diet coke. Right, eight seconds. Pointless Inventions, Mr Biffo, and your time starts now. My favourite Pointless Invention is a machine that prints books for baby names for clouds. It is listed in alphabetical.

There we go. Baby names for clouds, good. Fluffy, that's the best one. Comes up a lot. Alistair. Right, at the end of that round, we've all done one game each. I've just thought of another cloud name. Yeah. Chitargo.

That's good. Come on. You had a baby cloud. He'd stand out in cloud nursery, wouldn't he? Chitargo. If I had a cloud, I'd call him Claude. Right. At the end of that round, I've got two points, Eli has six points,

and Mr. Biffo has seven points. I'm good at this game. Oh. What a lovely car. Is it new? You can't park it here. Lovely new car. 1,700cc, 90 brake horsepower. And she's a lovely mover.

We'll be back at the end of the break. Don't go away. No! Sarah! It's all right. It's just a dream. Who's Sarah? The Renault 5.

What's yours called? Next collection. Eli, you get to choose the topic again. It's my topic again. It is your topic again. So here we go. Spread them all out. Spread the cards.

Whatever you like, mate. Here we go. Spread them. Spread the deck. What's the topic? Valentine's Day. Oh! Something you know a lot about. I'm sure you receive cards every year. Spare the dick. What's the topic? Valentine's Day. Oh, something you know a lot about.

I'm sure you receive cards every year. Cards are plenty. Don't you, Mr. Silverman? What are you trying to fucking say? You are a lonely boy. Da-da-da-da-da-da. Lonely boy. You are a lonely boy.

Repetition. All right. Right, Valentine's Day. The topic on Valentine's Day, whether it's hesitation, repetition or deviation, begins now. Valentine's Day is a holiday for people who like chocolate and heart-shaped things and fluffy little bows and... Too many ands.

Yeah. Split a second after you. Yeah. Too many ands there, mate. I won't you. Yeah. Too many ands there, mate. I won't argue. That's a rare occurrence on this podcast. Sorry, that was just me going off. Right.

My turn. Valentine's Day. Chosen subject begins now. Valentine's Day is not something I particularly like to partake in. I know I have partners. What? You hesitated in the middle of the word partake. We all heard it. No!

That's mean. You said part... You went part... No! I would have said the bit worse hesitation. How about that? Fuck you! I have to cyber poll there. Thank you, Mr. Biffo. I continue on the topic of Valentine's Day. Did you give yourself a point for an interruption? Yes, I did.

Yes. So, 43 seconds left for me beginning now. I was going on about Valentine's Day, wasn't I, dear listener? So, let's continue. Sometimes girlfriends like to have Valentine's Day. I don't see the point. It's just buying cards, isn't it? And expending a lot of cash on toys and socks. Hesitation.

You said something like, Sometimes girls like to have Valentine's Day as well Well you didn't buzz in You don't have Valentine's Day You should have buzzed in for that then Didn't you You don't have Christmas Oh great

I'm having Christmas I'm having Valentine's Day Listen I thought of something Oh god Have you ever sort of When you go to a place Make it into a verb

So like If you went to Oxford a lot, you could say, I'm Oxford-ing today. No. All right. With harrow, I'm harrowing. Is that really worth it? Was that worth speaking about? In fact. My father-in-law.

Actually, I don't know if I can tell that story. Oh, you tease. Anyway, Mr. Biffo, you're in control of the topic. And that topic is Valentine's Day. You have 26 seconds left on the clock. And your time starts now. Valentine's Day is celebrated differently all around the world. In Bulgaria, they like to put a mouse down their partner's bra.

In Yugoslavia, they like to put... They like. Repeat, repeat. They like, they likeoslavia, they like to put... They like... Repeat, repeat, yeah. They like, they like, they like, they like. Right. 14 seconds left. Talk about Valentine's Day. My time starts now. Do you like celebrating Valentine's

Day? What do you like? I don't know. Sorry, you start each one. What are these with a bloody question? Nonsense! It's absolutely... That's a trick question? What the fuck is this? Nonsense. It's absolutely... That's a trick. It's a dirty angle shooting trick. It's padding.

It's padding. Fine, Biffo gets a point for that then. Stop banging the table. I can't. You can. You can? Right, ten seconds left. Valentine's Day.

Mr. Biffo, your time starts now. In Brazil, they use a large syringe to inject their partner with love juice. I'm having the eye body. I was fucking there, Paul. Just, you know, you went mental. I pushed the thing first. I'm walking out.

Oh, you're not. I didn't even notice. You're still in the lead. I'm walking out Oh you're not I didn't even notice You're still in the lead I have three seconds left I knew this was what would happen Three seconds left There was no one judging this Talk about Valentine's Day

Starting now Oh Valentine's Day Hesitation No fuck off You went Oh fuck You can't do that every round By starting with some random

Bloody Oh listener Oh listen to me So what do you You can't do that every round by starting with some random bloody... Oh, listener. Oh, listen to me. So, what do you... It's Valentine's Day again. What do you think, listener? With all these bloody rhetorical questions. No one's listening, Paul.

Give us the facts about Valentine's Day. Who got that point? I jumped it first. Right. But we both pressed it. You have Valentine's Day as your topic. One second left. Time starts now.

Valentine's Day. Right, good One second left. Time starts now. Valentine's Day. I got the point there. Didn't I? Right, next. It's not your turn. It's Biffo's turn. What's the topic? Senior moments. Mr. Biffo, your time. Talking about senior moments or hesitation, deviation or repetition

begins right now. Senior moments. It's something that most old people suffer from at one time or another, whether they're forgetting where they put their bath chair, what they're going to wipe their... There. He said quite a few times.

Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha. Senior moments with Paul Gannon. Paul, your time. You have 51 seconds on the clock. Senior Moments is subject starting now. I do wonder that I start getting Senior Moments the order I get in life. I had one the other day where I was sure... Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye.

Maybe I like reggae. Aye and aye. Right, fine, good. 43 seconds on the clock, Mr. Biffo. Your time on Senior Moments begins now. Forgetting where you've put your shoes. Not remembering where your car keys are. Having diarrhea.

I was there. I was there. I pressed it first. Fine. How did I forget the word for diarrhea? Of all the words. Of all the words. Of all the words in all the games.

I had to forget that one. Right. What was the challenge? What was the challenge? Hesitation. It was hesitation. Yeah, but you hesitated with the answer,

so I'm stealing that point. No, I'm fucking off. I'm going to do it. No, you're not. I'm not. All right, yeah, hesitation then, fine. Eli got the point for that.

You have 35 seconds left to talk about senior moments. Mr. Silverman, hesitation then, fine. Eli got the point for that. You have 35 seconds left to talk about senior moments. Mr. Silverman, your time starts now. An old man walks into a churchyard. He says, who am I? Whose grave is that? It's his. Who?

He says, oh. Stop, stop. I'm Mr. Fowler. Stop, stop. Ooh, look at that grave. Ooh, there's some lichen on that grave. Ooh, scrapey, scrapey lichen. Lichen, sorry. What's it called?'s some lichen on that grave Scrapey scrapey lichen Lichen sorry I'm liking that

Mould Old man mould face Please shut up No I did It was so long ago I have actually forgotten Yes it was repetition The owl Maneuver long ago I have actually forgot. Yes, it was repetition. Who? Who? Who?

The owl manoeuvre. Right. Okay, 28 seconds on the clock. Can you start it for me, Mr Silverman? Talking about what? What's the topic again? Senior moment still. What was the topic again? Wow. Starting now.

I have them a lot these days. Like I was going to say before, but it was rudely interrupted. I don't find my house key. Sorry, you're doing I again, you narcissist. I, I, I. First person. Try writing in third person, mate. I waited until you got to your third one. Yeah.

Fine. 20 seconds left, Mr. Biffo. On senior moments, and your time starts now. My mother, a senior lady, once filled her shitsack. Stop! Oh, fuck. I keep forgetting to do the time first. Colossal me back. That was the word I was looking for.

Does it matter now? Eli. Hesitation, right? Hesitation. Back at the table. Sorry, Paul. Okay. 17 seconds left, Mr. Silverman.

On Senior Moments, and your time starts now. Senior Moments are instances when older people forget things or have some other symptom of their degenerating brain matter. But it's funny, isn't it? Because little children also act this way when they're about four. Oh, dear, you fucker. Yeah. You got there.

You like that, you fucker. No hesitation there, you fuck Yeah, you fucker. Yeah. You got there. You like that, you fucker. No hesitation there, you fucker. You fucker. I still have a pencil. I still want to stab you in the fucking temple with it. Fucking bell went. I was fucking talking. Right, as we head into the final round,

Mr. Biffo has 11 points, Eli has 12, and I have five, six, seven points. And it's my topic to end on. The topic now is how to be the perfect spy. And I have one minute starting now. How to be the perfect spy. I have many very good ideas about how to be the perfect spy,

such as glasses. Have you ever had those Oculo headsets that you wear that can see behind you? They're interesting because if anyone tries to sneak up and stick a dagger in your spine, you'll see them coming thanks to the mirrored edges. You can turn around and say, I am a spy and I wish to commit you to the grave. And then you karate chop them right in their faces and they go down. Also, shoes with oil that comes out the back, squirting hot, liquid, black mess.

So any villain trying to bounce you down from the... Ah, fucking balls! Deviation. Thank you. Bounce you down. I know. Villains don't generally try and bounce you down. No one tries to do that, because that was nonsense.

No, but I'm happy with that. I did 40... No, 39 seconds. It was a good run. It was a good run. Right, Silverman, you have 21 seconds left on how to be the perfect spy and your time starts now. How to be the perfect spy? Well, I would be a schlub

looking man and walking down the road, no one would see me in my beige clothing and my little glasses. They'd think there goes a loser man. Man. Yeah. Repetition of man.

Oh, man. I've got a taste in this round. Six seconds left, Mr. Silverman. Can you start the clock when it's time? Six seconds. How to be the perfect spy, starting now. I have a book coming out called How to be the Perfect Spy. It's full of great tips and tricks on how to...

Yay! Hey, I got a point. Yay. Doesn't mean I've won. Because at the end of the game, ladies and gentlemen, here are the final scores. In last place with a million nine points is Paul Gannon. Coming up from behind with a not too embarrassing 12 points

is Mr. Biffo. But out ahead, oh, you can't believe your eyes, missus. It is Eli Silverman with a nice fat 13 points. Thank you. There we go. It wasn't because I was actually good at the talking bit. It was being good at the interrupting. That's where I got all those points from.

That's the horrible irony of the game. You could talk for 59 seconds and go right at the end. Someone gets in there and goes, yes, you said a bumpuli twice. A bumpuli. A bumpuli twice. A bumpuli.

A bumpuli is a real word. Is it? Yeah. What does it mean? Look it up. No, tell me. A bumpuli is a

small mammal with a wide nose that looks like a spade and it can dig. Barkley. Barkley the homunculi. I was going to say Barkley's quite a good name for a baby cloud. Yeah, Barkley the cloud.

Oh, yeah. See babies, you could say that, couldn't you? What about homunculi? What kind of cloud's that? It's a homunculi. You've changed the word. Have you ever seen a memetus cloud? Your meters cloud? It's a mumpuli. A myrmetus. You've changed the word. Have I? Have you ever seen a myrmetus cloud? Your meter's cloud? Is it a cloud that looks like the big end of a dick? A myrmetus.

Half fish, half meter. That is good. Not bad at all. Imagine a cock. Oh, but with a fish's tail, basically, is what I'm imagining. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. Top half meters, lower half fish. At the end of that game, it means Mr. Biffo gets a bean,

and I also get a bean because I lost that. So at the end of that round, Eli's won one, Biffo's won one, I haven't won any, but we all have a bean to eat at the end of the show, which will be in part two. We will really be racking up the beans. What? What's going on? Paul, just one thing. Wasn't this meant to be a TV

game show special? Yeah, that's radio. It's radio. It's been on the TV though. Has it? Yes. It ran for a limited series in the early 80s. Oh, did it really? With Parsons. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it came back for anniversary celebrating 50 years for the BBC yeah. And it came back for its anniversary celebrating 50 years for the BBC Two a few years ago.

I did not know that. So there you go. You learn something every day, don't you? You do. So what a thrilling first part to our Cheap Show TV

board game quiz show board game off the telly quiz show part one episode. Wasn't it lots of fun? Thanks for having me. But what's coming up in part two?

Well, I'll tell you. More cloud naming? No, no more cloud naming. I like that up in part two well I'll tell you more cloud naming no no more cloud naming I like that in part two we'll be playing the Michael Barrymore

striking bridge I thought I was going to burp and then it affected how I said Barrymore I've met Michael Barrymore have you well sort of my mum and dad did

I saw him supporting Little Lodge and we were sat in the front row and he came over and he gave my dad all the kind of, you know, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Yeah.

And then he, I was sat in between my mum and dad and then he went, oh, is this the wife? He skipped me. Yeah. Yeah. I've never forgiven him for that.

Yeah, because he likes kids, doesn't he? You know, like I had that My Kind of People show where all kids were singing. He didn't like me. No. It's not the worst thing in the world to be not michael barrymore's favorite person well yeah with hindsight with well hindsight whenever that um show came on it just used to strike the most terrible boredom into my heart strike it boredom so we're going to be playing

strike it lucky in part two of the show I'm finishing off with a return game that I wanted to play it is Britain's Got Talent oh yeah we're going to have a little bit of fun with that one does Cheap Show have talent though

that's the question we'll be answering the answer as we all know by now is no so does it should be called

Britain's Got Mouth Noise Mallant so join us what about part two what about Smithson Jobson Britain's Got Smithson Jobson Britain's got Smithson Jobson

Britain's got Smithson Jobson's Got talent Jobson's got talent Smithson's got Jobson Oh Cloud Knives Cloud Knives I don't care about

Cloud Knives Johnson Johnson Ladies and gentlemen Damn it Next week for part two Of the Cheap Show Board Game Quiz Show TV Board Game Special Edition

For more games More surprises And the Bean Finale Bye everyone of the Cheap Show Board Game Quiz Show TV Board Game Special Edition for more games, more surprises, and the bean finale. Bye, everyone. Bye-bye, everyone. Who will reign supreme? Find out next week in another thrilling episode of the Cheap Show TV Game Show Board Game Special. Coming up next, Alan Hamster returns to review

the latest plays in critical mass Hello there. Welcome to another episode of Critical Mass with me, Alan Hamster, everyone's favourite theatre critic. Now, today we'll be talking about a show that me and my guest went to see just the other night and I can assure you it was quite a moving experience. Now, let me waffle on no more and introduce my very special guest. Why, it's Quentin the Theatre Critic Dog. Ruff, ruff, brilliant. Ruff, ruff, ruff. Terrible set.

Last night, last night, Quentin. Quentin, last night. Sit,entin Quentin last night sit boy oh naughty sit you sit boy you sit now

last night we went to see A Fistful of Nan where there's a sexual fantasy between a young boy and his nan and I remember thinking oh I haven't

I haven't seen that in a while but what did you think of its powerful political political motifs? Well, brilliant. Left-leaning. What did you think of the leap of forwards by Dame Judi Dench as the Nan? Very good, very good. And finally, what did you make of young Macaulay Culkin playing the young grandson there?

Surprising, surprising. Nuanced, nuanced. Now, now, thank you very much for your insight. Thank you for your insight. Now, I did leave the theatre with a massive erection, so therefore I give it my strongest recommendation. I give it a Thothrob on. What do you give it there?

Five. Five barks. Five barks. Five barks. And now, on to our next movie, Seven Shades of Dead Arse. It's a hit. Right, that's it. Stop it. Alright.