CheapShow - Ep 172: CheapShow TV 2020 (Part Two)

Episode Date: April 3, 2020

Tonight on CheapShow TV: 5pm: Detective Biscuits Detective Jimmy Biscuits is up to his neck in trouble this week when his Boss demands results and his wife is kidnapped by Mr Big! 6pm: CheapShow TV 2020 Part Two (Main Feature) Mr Biffo joins Paul and Eli for an another evening of TV Game Show, Board Game fun. This week, the chaps play Strike It Lucky, Britain's Got Talent and prepare themselves for a horrid Double Dare Jelly Bean finale! 7pm: Exploring The Actor's Cube Graham Tractor speaks to another actor about their career timeline. 8pm: Around The World In 80 Plops Madam Ladyplops and Squishy JIm take us to another popular holiday destination for more fecal squelchings. 9pm: Gaffs Another rich and famous celebrity opens their doors and allows us around their "gaff" to see how they live and work. 10pm Programme Ends (Special thanks to Pat Sharp for his guest appearance) And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-172-cheapshow-tv-2020-part-two If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid with @mrbiffo and @patsharp If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Paul is writing a book! Want to help make it happen? https://unbound.com/books/ghosts/

PISKITS I WANNA SEE YOU IN MY OFFICE RIGHT NOW! I don't have time for this chief, I'm this close from closing the biggest case of my life. SIT YOUR SORRY ASS DOWN! Okay, okay, I'm coming, I'm coming. What you want, chief? Now, now that I have your attention, what were you doing at the Pink Flirty Club last night? I was following up a lead you should know or has it been too long since you beat the streets following up a lead eh more like

following a prostitute into a back alley for a bribe shag that's also a lead just a sexy lead now i've had enough of you i'm this closeuits, this close to asking you to hand in your badge and mustache. You can't take this from me, Chief. I'm this close, this close to solving the case of my life. What clues? What clues have you got? What leads have you got? I got a split fight found on the sidewalk.

I don't care. Good authority that Mr. Big might be at Tesco's next Tuesday buying milk. Biscuits, I'm sorry to have to do this. You put in some good service. I'm going to have to put you into the slammer. But this case will be full of action and adventure and loving and drugs and car chases and kapowee fights and kung fu and shooting. It's gonna be a rip-throwing adventure, chief.

Just give me 24 hours. I'll give you 24 hours, Biscuits. But you need to wrap this up. Quick time. Or it's your head that's gonna be on the chopping board. Excuse me for a second. Yes? What?

Where? No! What's going on? No! What's going on? No! What's all this? I'll tell him. Oh no, what's all this? Biscuits, they've got your wife!

What? They've got droopy Deidre? Yes, I'm afraid so. And what are they threatening to do to her, Chief? Well, I don't know. They just said they got her. You can use your imagination. Oh no, they're gonna cover her in eggs and jelly and push her into the River Thames. Biscuits, I don't need to hear about that right now. You need to get out there. You need to find a lead.

Or your wife's head's dependent on it. Oh, my God. Biscuits! Find out next week if Detective Jimmy Biscuits can solve the biggest case of his career. Will his wife perish at the hands of Mr. Big? All will be revealed in the series finale in seven days' time. Coming up after the break, it's the second and final part of the Cheap Show Game Show board game special. Not that I'm bothered.

board game special. Not that I'm bothered. Shh! Ha! One, one, one, one, one, one. Here comes the farmer with his gun, gun, gun. Bang, bang, bang, bang,

goes the farmer's gun. So one, one, one, one, one, one, one. Hey, what's up, dog? Whoa, the rabbit's got weed to fix. Gun, farmer,bit, one, labbit, one, one, one. Hey, what's up, John? Whoa, the labbit's got Weetabix. Run, farmer, run, farmer, quick, quick, quick. Here comes the Weetabix, the Weetabix. Yum, yum, yum, yum, now I'll stop your tricks.

So run, farmer, run, farmer, quick, quick, quick. Have you had your Weetabix? British Bulldog's my name. Wrestling's my game. It's tomorrow's Daily Mirror. The amazing secret of my life. It's red hot, soul-eating good. Plus, get your teeth into a free hamburger at Burger King.

You feeling hungry? You want a free burger? You got it. Only with the Daily Mirror. Take a big bite tomorrow. Hello, Willie. Say sausages. Come on the Daily Mirror. Take a big bite tomorrow. Hello, Willie. Say sausages. Come on.

Walsh. No. Sausages. Walsh. Sausages. Walsh. Sausage. Thick, meaty sausages are pronounced walsh.

You wouldn't say sausages. Walsh. Now you're talking sausages. You're listening to Cheap Show Television. Which still doesn't make any sense to me. Now you're aware that i only do these continuity announcements as a favor to paul one that i've repaid many many times over and yet he still asked me to say stupid garbage like madam lady plops what does that even mean is this some kind of ridiculous character if it is it's a pretty poor example of comedic artistic creation hello I'm madam lady plops and this is around the world in 80 plops and with me as usual is my faithful servant and friend and lover squishy Jim

hello squishy Jim yes squish anything no right hello so anyway this week we are in Squishy Jim, yes, squish, anything, no, right, hello. So anyway, this week we are in Disneyland, and I'm so excited to go on all the rides on you, Squishy. Yes, yes, my bloody plops, and if you did happen to be so kind as to let one roll out on a ride, I'll be there to squish you. Squishy Jim, squish, Squishy Jim. He's squishing. So, here we are on our first ride, and it is Splash Mountain. Squishy, Squish Mountain. I'll tell you what, Squishy Jim. Squish, Squish Mountain.

It's Squish Mountain as far as I'm concerned. Ooh, ooh, ooh. In fact, let's leave a little thing on the ride right now. I will be squishing this right in. On the ride, right now. I will be squishing this right in. Actually, that don't need no squishing. Do you know, it's really a pity that Paul has resorted to making this kind of reductive, filthy and downright seedy material.

He really had promised me a few years ago, but these days I hear it's all spoffy this and joshing off that, and don't get me started on the premise of this show. I mean, I don't listen, but I presume it's degrading, begging and foul language every bloody week. Hey!

This week on Gaffs, we're hanging out with the coolest, trendiest Yeti on the block. Yeah, it's Teen Yeti at his gaff in North West London. Oh, hello. Welcome to my humble abode. All right. OK. Yeah. All right. Now come this way and welcome to Chateau de la Mount Grotte-Pence. That has been my home. It's actually my ancestral home. Both my parents were Yetis, and they were King and Queen Yeti of Mount Grotte-Pence. So, you know, I've got the place.

But come through to my bedroom. Hello, I'm Teen Yeti, you know. Come in here. Look, now, this is the master bedroom. And this is where the magic happens. You know what I mean? I also fuck groupies here. So come down to the studio. This is where I make the beats.

Oh, yeah, I'm working on my new album called Abominable. Yeah abominable 2 actually and Yeah, this is gonna be maybe the first track or maybe the last track, you know We'll see but I call it Spetchcock brackets your career Something like this I'm Teen Yeti you're a Spetchcock. I won't let it rock Back, it's your career. Something like this. Ugh! I'm Team Yeti!

You're a spatchcock! I won't let it rock! I won't let it drop! I'm Team Yeti and I'm from around! God! But before all of those spills and thrills, it's time for part two of another very special episode of Cheap Show with Paul Gannon, Ellie Silverman and Mr. Biffo. Biffo? What a stupid bloody name that is. Ooh, you lucky, lucky listener. Yes, it's right.

We're back. It's Cheap Show Game Show Special Podcast Part 2. Ooh, madam. No, no. What? What's wrong with me saying oh madam why madam

it's not 1970s it's not it's not yours oh madam that's the point it's not yours oh madam it's a trope

that is so tired and used it's just taken it's punctured me it's taken the wind out of myself oh bishop oh bishop

better it's got a ring to it why don't you say, Punnett Willow. No, I don't like the idea that that got a reaction out of you. I'm going to call you trope from now on because you're old and tired.

Oh, it's all pick on Paul day, isn't it? It's all pick on Paul. So, it is part two though, Paul, of our game show, TV game show, podcast game show special. TV board game. Board game. TV our game show TV game show podcast game show special TV board game TV board game

TV board game special game show podcast special and with us again is Mr Biffo round of applause clippy clappy clippy clappy clip ooh Bishop ooh no you can't do it

it's my word ooh Bishop I'm going to think of something else ooh Sailor. Worse. Which one are you worse? Punnett Willow.

No, Punnett Willow is not going to work for me. All right. What about Grafton Mews? Now you're just saying anything. I am. I totally am. I can keep going with this. Tickle my chuff.

Chuffney Palmer. Chuffney. It's the one he gets in every fucking week. Ooh, Emerson, Lake and Palmer. Ooh. I can't... I just get this image

of Emerson with his pants off smearing butt cheese all around. Why did you get that image? They used to do that in the 70s at their shows. Did they?

Yep. They were big showmen. Yeah. They had the whole truck. They were so flamboyant they had a whole truck just for butt cheese. Called it Emerson's Trough. No, I don't believe you.

No, I don't believe you. And now I'm upset that you're all ganging up on Mr. Pauly. And all he wants to do is do a lovely game show today with two game shows based on board games I've bought in charity shops. I've wrung it back. I've grabbed it back from you. You've grabbed it back. Today's games we are playing,

we are starting off today with The show made famous on ITV By comedy legend Michael Barrymore It is Strike It Lucky Stroke Rich I don't know because when did they change the name? Wasn't it always? It was Strike It Lucky for ages And then it became Strike It Rich

Oh did it? Yeah Alright What? I'm not actually What? I'm not What? No I'm very disappointed in. What? No, I'm not. What?

No, I'm very disappointed in both of you right now. Very disappointed. Scruppage. Am I going mad? Yes. Because you're going blop-blop and you're doing scrubbage. And you're both staring at me. What?

No. No. No. What? What? No, I'm not. What? Is this the bit where you do the charming chat with the contestants?

Come on. You do it. Well, last week, you may remember we played Wheel of Fortune and Just a Minute. And at the end of that, Eli won a round, Mr. Biffo won a round, but we all lost something. So we all have a bean to eat at the end of the show. Do we? Yes. So far, we have one bean to eat.

So what is the point of doing this if we already know we're going to be eating a bean well we might be eating less beans yeah we're going to be playing games for more beans multiple because it's part two it's double bean double beans we're in double bean mode right i've activated double bean measures so when you lose today you will lose two beans you'll be given two beans instead of just one you if you lose, you get a bean. A bean apiece. A bean apiece. What is a hot bean not? What? What? What?

What? What? I regret buying this game simply because of all of this. Yeah, you should try that, Paul. Don't. He's walking out. Don't walk out. Come on.

We need you to do the game such a baby paul just carry on all right all right all right now i don't remember is it general knowledge the basis of strike it lucky i just remember the hot spots and it would go and a bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop and a hotspot would be picked. I'd like to see how the board game translates it because I remember it being

a very a sort of prop heavy or not prop but It was quite fancy on multiple levels. Lots of technological screens and

so forth. And to give him a chance to sort of run around with his funny legs. Yes. Right, we're going to play Strike It Lucky is our first game

and in the second half we are playing Britain's Got Talent. We will have a nice laugh and a joke as we all try our best to be funny entertainers. Didn't a dog win it? Yes, in the first year. Yes. Well, God almighty. Did it?

No. Did it win it? No, I don't believe anything happened. That's not a road we want to go down. There was no dog in the picture. Are you seriously just asked that? I wasn't aware that a dog won it. I mean, I wasn't sure.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I brought it up. Well, do we explain now? I don't know, because half of me just wants the penny to drop naturally. Yeah, let's just let it drop naturally. But apparently it's not really dropping with you, is it? You look at me really nonplussed. Is that dog?

And then you write the film with the dog. There we go. One of the worst received films of all time. Was it really? Yeah. 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. That's quite an achievement, though, isn't it? Oh, no, I'm proud of that.

Yeah, you should be. So there you go. Now you've got it all together. A dog won when they went who's the most talented person in Britain and the answer was a dog

it's kind of a really sad indictment of the format of the show wasn't it the dog's owner in reality well I mean yeah because the dog doesn't apply for the show does he

I've got a video of that dog on my phone uh oh no a catwalk actually I think live recorded before it died it's dead now. The dog is dead.

The dog is dead. Because of what you filmed? I filmed myself stamping on his head. What? Please, we need to move on. I don't want to see any pictures of dancing dogs.

I just want to move on. Strike it lucky. Explain to the listeners what that programme was. Strike it lucky was a game show right the idea was you answered questions to move along the board and the first one across the board won you know like in a like uh play your cards right kind of thing it's a bit like that isn't it um so in the tv show they had uh eight television screens in a row on three rows and the idea is when you won control the round you did the top middle or bottom thing didn't you just get idea is when you won control of the round, you did the top, middle, or bottom thing, didn't you, to get across. But the first round, and the round we are playing today,

is the versus round, where you'll just be trying to answer as many questions as possible to get across the screens. If you hit it... A bit like Blockbuster. Yeah, the format is, I give you all the answers first, right? Right. And then I give you a question,

and that question's answer is one of the answers I've given you. Right? The number of ones you get right dictate how many moves across the board you get hang on hang on

hang on this is going to be like when we played Wheel of Fortune you kind of bring out new rules midway through you can't

there aren't that many new rules in this show if I've given all the answers and the questions what do I have to do get across the screen first because you might only get you might only get one right what do I do with the answers if I've got the answers and the questions what do i have to do get across the screen first because you might only get you might only get one right the answers if i've got the answers i'm not going to get any

of them wrong because i know what the answers are yeah what is that bit i don't remember that's the bit i'm adding they just press a button they go top middle or bottom they press the button look there are five questions right and shanty that's a good word yeah it is like what's it made of is an example coral rock eggs metal rock, eggs, metal, ice, leather. Oh, I see. It's multiple choice. Yes. They don't literally

give you the answers. They give you all the answers to the questions and you've got to get four of them right to move across the screen. Four. Let's just start playing, Paul,

because you really have fucked it up. I haven't fucked it up. They're the rules and it'll make sense when we start playing. Well, there's three people here and two of them are confused.

What does that tell you? Yeah, but you both look perpetually confused. You look like every failed audition for Back to the Future the musical.

What the fuck? Is that even me? And you look like every small-time criminal who ever had a dialogue scene in The Bill. I like that.

That's good. It's fine. Here, move this stuff. No, I'll cut you. How about that? Marty! Marty!

You went and did 88 miles an hour! Hang on, so basically your Doc Brown voice is Venus with a sore throat. Sorus.

Yeah, right. So, are we ready to carry on and play the game? I don't know how to do it, but I'll try. Well, join us after

this first advert break and we'll start playing Strike It Lucky, Rich. Strike It Rich, Lucky. You got there before me. What can fill the Wofford Gap?

What fights off a crocodile snap? What makes Venus shut her trap? It's new Cadbury's Biscuit Boost Shot-caped biscuit goes down well The caramel and chocolate tastes real swell Biscuit Boost's a great big bite It tames a giant appetite Give your a snack life

Boost, Boost, catfresh boost! Suppose we took identical twins with spots. We washed one daily in ordinary soap and water and the other in Biactol, which helps prevent spots by unclogging pores and killing bacteria. Spot the difference. It prevents spots by unclogging pores and killing bacteria. Spot the difference. Biactol and new sensitive skin biactol.

It laughs in the face of spots and spanks the bottom of pimples. When it's time again to think of something new, that's interesting, fun and new, it's just too many. Lean on a fork for a whole new angle on a midday snack that sets you up but that's not That's interesting, fun and nutritious too Then lean, lean on pork For a whole new angle on a midday snack That sets you up but doesn't set you back Then lean, lean on pork British pork has what it takes

It's lean and tasty for goodness sakes So give them a meal they appreciate Lean on pork, lean on British pork A meal they appreciate Mina Pock Lee On British Pock Welcome back and I'm your host Paul Gannon And we're going to play Strike It Lucky And let's meet our teams tonight On team A it's Eli Silverman. Hello, Eli.

Hello. And where are you from? From London. From London. From London. From London. What's your favourite childhood memory? Well, once I was in a car, Chris Zing's car,

and I did a little bit of a poo, and there was a bit of a poo left, and he was an A&R man. Can you stop all your stories involving poo, please? I'm sorry, Chris. He had a car with a gold carburetor. Yeah, now he's got a brown fabricator.

It's not good. Is that it? The only memory in your childhood you think of is both good and bad and it involves you shitting in the back of a car. I didn't shit. Just to be clear, I didn't shit in the back of a car. Just to be clear, I didn't shit

in the back of the car. I had a little mishap in the wipeage department. What does that mean? You left skiddies? There was some kind of poo somewhere that I hadn't accounted for. Where was this? In the back of Chris Zing's car. And you think you left it? Were you sitting with no

pants on? Just a bare arse? Do you know what? I'm deeply regretting bringing this back up. Were you naked in the back of this guy's car? No. And you left arse leavings. He also had an erection. And that's why you left all the chocolate droplets. Oh, come on.

You brought it up. Move on. Yeah? Yeah. Congratulations, Eli Silverman. You're a wreck. Move on to the other contestant, please. Contestant number two is Mr. Biffo.

And where'd you come from, love? Flombards. Flombards. Everyone's favourite greengrocers. Now, tell us an embarrassing story about Eli. Eli was in the back of Keith Emerson's van. And he didn't have anywhere to poo, so he did it in a Pringles tube. Pringles?

That's a good place to do it as well. It's a good place to do a poo. Now, here's my question on that before we get on with the game. I often pee when I poo, so I'm going to need two tubes of Pringles, right? One for the front, one for the back. Well, there's a visual image for you. You'd need some kind of holster. That hangs on the side. I think for the front, you'd need some kind of holster that'd be that hangs on the

side for the front you only need a smarties tube miniature smarties oh he's walking out again it's a lot of

effort yeah you've got to untangle yourself yeah no a tube of there a tube there

and plenty do I swing it round yeah nice I've got to remember which one is which because you don't

want to mix your solids and your liquids do you it makes it volatile bangers and mash bangers and mash is when it's turds and lots of toilet paper jammed in a toilet bowl until it chokes it bangers and old mash and lemonade yeah a bit of a bit of fish vinegar tartar sauce around the corner chocolate's made tartar sauce tartar sauce has got little bits of gherkin in yeah as now right we're gonna move on just like big mac sauce eli i'll get some of that later i might drink it with a straw you filth Right we're going to start playing Strike it lucky Here is the board There are a row of arrows

It's a 3D board Eli you are blue I believe That is correct You are the top row And you have to go from left to right, turning over the cards, and they will reveal if you can move on the next step, or if it's a hot spot, and you have

to stop. I'm following this, yes. Good. However, He's gone. We've lost him. So, the idea to move across the board is to answer a question, and the number of answers you get right determine how idea to move across the board right is to answer a question and the number of answers you get right determine how many

you move across the board alright okay so a maximum of four moves can be made if I get all four right there are only two hot spots

per row alright what happens on a hot spot you just stop dead so even if you turn that's your first card you turn over and that's the hot spot

you stop dead what is a hot spot not it's a hot not spot do you not remember that I don't remember it he used to go it was one of his cash phrases he'd go what is a hot spot not? It's a hot not spot. Do you not remember that? I don't remember it. He used to go, it was one of his cash phrases.

He'd go, why is a hot spot not? And the whole audience would go, a good spot. Oh, I thought it was better than that. What's a hot spot not? A good spot.

What's a hot spot? Not a lot. Hitler. Hitler. He could have teamed up with. Hitler? Hitler's in a maternity ward. Is this a bad gag? Is this the beginning?

What's going on? Some woman has a baby. He goes, hotsy-totsy, it's another Nazi. No, I got that wrong. Hotsy-totsy, it's another Nazi. It's still not very good.

Nazi is not... It's still very poor. Very poor. What's a hotspot not? Hitler. Certainly not. It's one of many things a hotspot's not. A fascist dictator is definitely one of the things a hotspot is not. All right?

A hotspot is maybe the inside of a nuclear ground zero drop zone. That's a hotspot, isn't it? You can't go in there. Chernobyl. Fallout. Chernobyl fallout. Well, as you can't go in there. Chernobyl. Fallout. Chernobyl Fallout. Well, as you can tell, this is the second of two recordings

and the material's not up to scratch. We're a lot looser this time. We're going to start with Eli. You're on the top row. I'm on the top row. Okay. Are you ready? Your categories are, you can pick from two. Studies or songs? Songs, please, Bob. My name's Paul and he's not even called Bob in the show. It'd be Your categories are You can pick from two Studies or songs Songs please Bob

My name's Paul And he's not even called Bob In the show It'd be Barry Or Baza Or Barrymore It wouldn't be Barry It'd be Bazamore

That's his surname It's like Shortening your name to Gan What's his name Barry Barry No it's not Barry Barrymore It's not Barry Barrymore Barry John Moore

That would be brilliant It's Barry Barrymore What's his name John Barry No John Barrymore brilliant. It's Barry Barrymore. What's his name? John Barry. No, John Barrymore is Michael Barrymore. Michael Barrymore. John Barrymore is Michael Barrymore. What's all this?

This is quite the ref. Biopic. Right, so you're going to do your topic of songs. Right, here are your answers. They are shanty, ballad. Shanty. Shanty. Shantay.

Ballad.antay Ballad Racket Carol Serenade Dirge I'll repeat them if you want to hear them again in a bit Here's your first question Every right answer is a move across the board

Here we go 1. This is a Christmas song Carol Carol is correct A love song Ballad A work sung by sailors Shanty Correct. Ka-ting! A love song. Ballad. Ka-ting! A work sung by sailors.

Shanty. Ka-ting! And a simple narrative song. Can I have the answers again? Yes. They are... I'll read them all out. Shanty, ballad, racket, carol, serenade, dirge. Hmm.

What was the question? A simple narrative song. Serenade? Serenade is wrong The answer is ballad I said ballad already I got ballad already Oh come off it

No you didn't You said shanty Remember you said carol Love song was ballad Yeah Oh it was serenade Oh for god's sake So you're only moving twice

The love song is a serenade Oh I see So you're only moving twice Sorry my mistake Two moves out of four available Ballad is a love song Isn't itenade? Yeah. Oh, I see. So you're only moving twice. Sorry, my mistake. Two moves out of four available. A ballad is a love song, isn't it? Usually as well. Yeah.

Fucking stupid, isn't it? A letter bow, you've got like the ballad of Bilbo Baggins. Yeah. It is a story. Bilbo, Bilbo Baggins, the lovely little hobbit of the world. I don't know how it goes, but it's something like that. Blooded Nimoy, isn't it? Yeah, Nimoy.

That's a funny word as well. Finding Nimoy, that would be a good film. Finding Nimoy. I bet that gag's not been done. Palette Nimoy, innit? Yeah, Nimoy. That's a funny word as well. Finding Nimoy, that would be a good film. Finding Nimoy. I bet that gag's not been done. Palette Nimoy. That definitely hasn't, to be fair. You got two moves out of four. Let's find out. Okay. Here's your first screen. Oh, hang on. I'm going to use the sound effect if it's good

or a hotspot. Okay. Where's the hotspot button gone? It is right in front of you. A hotspot button and a move. Ready? Is the first screen an arrow or a hotspot. Okay. Where's the hotspot button gone? It's right in front of you. Oh. Hotspot button and a move. Ready? Is the first screen an arrow or a hotspot? It's an arrow. It's an arrow. Next card. Arrow. So that's two out of four. That's great. That's where you are on the board. You've only got four right. I've got two. Can we hear what the hotspot noise sounds like, please?

This is what it sounds like. Thank you. Just like off-tele. Got a little box. Because this company make these board games, make the countdown one and the family fortunes. They do the sound effects. The buttons.

Do you think it's good? It's as good as a board game goes? It's all right. What is it? It's a good board game. Well, shut up. All right. All right.

Right. Do you want to do two hob... Hobbits? Hobbits? What are they called? Nimoy. Double Nimoy. It's because the topics... You're playing for double Nimoy.

The topics are the French or hobbling along. Hob-hobbling. Hob-hobbling along. Hob-hob. All right, here are your answers. Hobby? They're all words that have the word hob in. Oh.

So, hobo, hob nail, hob art, hobbits, hob goblin. Hob art? Hobby horse. Hob art. Hob art. What's a hob art? Hob art. I don't know.

Maybe that's one of the answers. Nah, I'm in it. Right, are you ready? Yeah, I'll try. Here's your first question. The capital of Tasmania. Hob art. Is correct.

There you go. Tiddlymania. Hobart. Is correct. There you go. Tiddly-ting. Question two. What is a mischievous spirit? Hobgoblin. Tiddly-ting. Correct. Question three.

A small character inhabitant in the fantasy world of J.J.R. J.J.R.? J.J.R. J.J.R. J.R. Tolkien. Is this just a coincidence that The Hobbit has come up? I've literally picked the next two cards in the right. Yeah.

So that's another one. And then finally, question four. This is a child's toy that looks like a stick with an animal's head. I'm assuming Hobby Horse. It is correct. That's a full run.

Oh, it's a full run. Let's see how we go. Let's turn over the TVs and see what we seize. Where's your hotspot? You've left it up on the thing. No, I haven't. The hot thing.

Yeah, you have. Eli's in charge of the hotspot. Easily pleased. TV number one is... Oh, it's a hotspot! For the love of God! I tell you what, that's not a good spot.

No. But it does mean there's only one hotspot left on the board, so that might help you later on in the game. But is it definitely on my...

on Eli's or mine? No, it's on your row. You're the red row. He's the blue row. Oh, there's two on each row. There's two on each row. And the other six are arrows. I got four. I know. It isn't fair. That's the game. And I shuffled them randomly. Eli saw me shuffle them, didn't you? And put them randomly. I saw that.

Yeah, he saw me tell me where to put the hot spots. He said, put that there on Biffo's row. And I went, no! And he went, do it, or I'll show everyone the pictures. And I went, you show them. And Eli went, I will show row. And I went, no. And he went, do it, or I'll show everyone the pictures. And I went, you show them. And Eli went, I will show them. And I went, no, show them. And then we had a fight, and then the police came.

And I went, he's got photographs. I don't know where I'm going with this. Eli. Yes. Your categories are The Full Monty or Studies. The Full Monty as in that bloody film? No, it's Monty as in M-O-T-E. M-O-N-T-E.

What? The full Monty. M-O-N-T-E. So do you want the full Monty or studies as your category? Studies. Studies. Here we go. These are all studies, as you can imagine.

Insects, ghosts, birds, stars, clocks, earthquakes. They're your answers. Here is your first question. Mr. Silverman. Yes. What does the following study? Ornithologist. Birds.

Is correct. Badge. Tiddly-ting. Horologist. Horologist. Horologist. Horologist. It's Hobbit.

Horologist. Horologist. Horologist. Give's Hobbit. Horologist. Horologist. Give me the answers again. Insects, ghosts, birds, stars, clocks, earthquakes. A horologist. H-O-R-O-L-O-G-I-S-T. What was that last one? Earthquakes.

What was the one before that? Clocks. Clocks. Is correct. Well done. Next one. Seismologist. Earthquakes.

Is correct. And finally, entomologist. Insects. Is correct. And finally entomologist. Insects. Is correct. That's a full run for Eli. Let's see how far he gets. I hope I don't get one of those. You just don't know, do you? Don't know.

It's the luck of the draw. Here we go. Paul, I hope I don't get a... Because that would be... Don't. Stop it. Right, here we go. monitor is the first monitor oh it's a hot spot and what's a hot spot not okay boy right Nimoy everyone I did that funny finding Nimoy joke Paul No I really don't Right here we go

Your topics are Biscuits Or the life of Brian Biscuits please Biscuits Okay here are your answers Digestive Don't do Jimmy Biscuits

Digestive It's Jimmy Biscuits here to do Celebrity round I'm popping in to do the round How exciting for you Mr Biffo Would you have done that if I'd have said don't do Jimmy Biscuits You know Right here we go Mr Biscuits I am your host for this round

And you gotta love it Best of luck to you you sexy guy Here we go Your answers are Digestive Wafer, Nutcracker, bourbon, Gary Baldy or ginger nut. Are you ready? I'll try. Question one.

Are you not good at Strong On Biscuits? No. Now that he's read them out, I'm not confident. Oh. Gary Baldy. Yeah. I've met him. I knew a guy called Baldy Gary.

Oh, that was better. Right. Here we go. Question one. We used to call him Gary Hairy. Now he's called Baldy Gary. Oh, that was better. Right, here we go. Question one. We used to call him Gary Hairy. Now he's Gary Baldy. All right, yeah. Fine.

I'll accept defeat on that one. Right. I should write for a living. Anything. You should do something for a living. Oh, fuck off. Right. Here we go.

Question number one. This biscuit is a rectangular one with chocolate filling. See, this is it. This is not my strong... I'll read it again. Yeah, do it. Digestive, wafer, nutcracker, bourbon, garibaldi or ginger nut? I'm going to say bourbon.

You are correct. Ka-pa-ting, ka-pa-too. Bourbon. Here we go. Question number two. This is round, slightly sweet and made with wholemeal flour. Read them again. Digestive. Wafer.

Nut crunch. Bourbon. Garibaldi. Or ginger nut. Ginger nut. Is wrong. Digestive was the answer. All right.

Question number three. This is flat, oblong, and contains currants. Oh, Garibaldi. Garibaldi is the correct answer. And for your final question. Oh, it's exciting stuff. Garib Baldy was the actual guy who unified Italy Imagine being named Or having a biscuit named after you

I'd live for that I'd love a biscuit name Eli Silverman biscuit, it'd be crumbly Flaky And smell of cheese and pickle Cheese and pickle flaky biscuit That sounds good No it doesn't, it's horrible

It's horrible. It's a savoury biscuit. Mr. Biffle, here's your final question. This is a light, finely layered and often pink biscuit. Oh, what were they on? Digestive wafer. Wafer. That's correct. You get three moves out of the possible four.

So let's see how we go. Paul, it's over to you, buddy. I'm off to America to look for treasure. Goodbye, Mr. Biscuit. Goodbye, everybody. Good best of luck to the both of you. I'm off to find treasure. Yeah.

Right, here we go. Next screen. Third screen. Third screen in your final move and what's a hot spot not okay mr. silver no Jimmy biscuit back to your hole hello no uncle Grumbly can fuck off too right okay mr silverman your topics are

winning round and just william winning round winning round okay here we go here are your answers they're all words with the word win in so winger winsome wince winkle wing ding and Winkle, wingding, and... Winneset? Winsiet. Winsiet. A word I've not heard since 1977. I don't think I've ever heard that word before. Well, let's find out if you can apply it to the knowledge at hand. Here are your questions.

One. A small edible shellfish. Winkle. Winkle. Yay! A sporting position. Is it winger? Winger.

Is correct. Question three. Soft cloth made into nightwear. You've got winger, wince, winkle, wingding, winciet. Winciet? Ding! Is correct. That's what it is.

And finally, a reaction to pain. Wince. Wince is correct. That's another full run for Eli. Let's see how far he gets across the board. Here I go. Here I go. Here I go. Across the board. Right. Turn that card. Turn I go. Here I go. Across the board.

All right. Turn that card. Turn that card. Let's hope it's not a hot spot. There's one move. Hot spot. Hot spot. Hot spot.

There's two moves. It's got to be one of these last two. There's the other hot spot, isn't it? Oh. What is that not? It's a not spot. Next round. Not a good spot.

It's time for the next round. I like doing the voice. Why are you doing Jimmy Biscuits all the time? Right, here we go. Update on that fan film I made when I was in university, Doctor Who fan film. It's been banned. With Sylvester McCoy.

I'm in it. I'm in it. What? It's on YouTube. It's called Deadline, I think. Oh, look it up. There's a shot with me. Noshing off the eighth Doctor.

Sylvester McCoy. He comes into the computer room. Oh, he's the seventh. And we're sort of, apparently I'm in the front of the screen. Yeah, have you been in a Doctor Who, official Doctor Who thing? Yeah.

No, you haven't. Yeah, I was. I was in Doctor Who and the Giddy Goats. And I played one of the Giddy Goats. And I was a silly, naughty goat. And I was causing mischief on the planet. While we're on the subject of goats, some episodes ago, you accused me of being a goat fucker. Well, then stop having sex with goats.

And I'll stop accusing you. Stop shitting in the shower and having sex with puppets. Yeah, that's why I said you have. That's why I'm saying. You're now in the whole world of film. We've brought you in. You now have a stain on your character. And the back of a sheep.

And a goat. And sheep. I did have sex with a goat. And now we've got several kids. Smudge farmer. A smudge farmer? I don't mind that. I don't mind that. Here comes the smudge farmer. Right, mind that I don't mind that Here comes the smudge farmer Right here we go

Here are your two categories One What's it made of? Oh Two Doctors What's it made of please? What's it made of?

Your answers are Coral Rock Eggs Metal Ice Leather Here we go

Question one An omelette Eggs Is correct Stupid question An Eskimo igloo Ice Ice, leather. Here we go. Question one. An omelette. Eggs. Is correct. Stupid question. An Eskimo igloo. Ice. Is correct.

The Great Barrier. Coral. Is correct. And finally, a petrified forest. What were the options? Coral, rock, eggs, metal, ice, leather. Well, rock. Is correct.

It's rock. It's another clean sweep for Mr. Biffo. That means I've got the eggs. I've used that on my hotspot. Oh, it does. Let is correct. It's rock. It's another clean sweep for Mr. Biffo. I've used that on my hotspot. Oh, it does. Let's go. Let's turn it over. Oh, thank you. Well, I am glad

I got my hotspots out of the way early. Mr. Biffo wins round one of the game. How exciting. At the end of that first round, that means you have given Eli two beans. So it now

stands as Eli with three beans, I'm with one, Biffo with one bean as well, and we're going in to the next round. Awfully clever, those Greek philosophers. Well, they spoke Greek, didn't they? There was that Archimedes bloke who jumped in the bath and shouted Eureka.

Water too hot, I expect. No, you see, he discovered you could tell how light this whisper was just by dropping it in the bath. It would have melted, wouldn't it? No, it's theoretical. You see, he lived in 247 B.C. B.C.? Before Cadbury's. Oh, what a shame.

He was very philosophical about it. Whisper. BC? Before Cadbury's. Oh, what a shame. He was very philosophical about it. Whisper. Enlightenment from Cadbury. Thank you for joining us after the ad breaks. We're back for round two of Strike It Lucky. Let's just crack on right ahead with the game. Mr. Silverman? Yes.

What would you like to choose out of these two topics? We've got saints and sportsmen. That's not a very good choice, is it? It is it that's a bad choice yeah i hate saints i'll go for that christopher what a dick yeah i'll go for sportsman sportsman here we go your answers are golf athletics, snooker, motor tennis. No, motor racing. Now that, that's the one I kind of see. Motor tennis. That is excellent. Robot tennis.

In cars. Yes. Motor racing tennis. Have you played that game with the cars playing football? Rocket League. Yeah, I'm not great at it, but it is fun. It's quite fun, isn't it? A bit of fun.

It's a little bit of fun. Just a little bit of fun. It's a little bit of fun. Right, those bit of fun. Your answers. Football, golf, athletic, snooker, motor racing, tennis. Here we go. Michael Owen. Which of these sports does he do? What is he known for? Football. Is correct.

Damon Hill. Motor racing. Is correct. Nick Faldo. Golf. Is correct. And finally, Stephen Henry. Snooker. Is correct. Another cleando. Golf. Is correct. And finally, Stephen Henry. Snooker. Is correct. Another clean sweep. Here we go.

Get your buzzers ready. It's time to change the telly. Card number one. Oh, it's a hot spot straight out the gate. I've had terrible luck with my hot spots. I had that last time, though. You want them out the way early. That's what I heard. That's true. That is that last time, though. Yeah. You want them out the way early. That's what I do. Yeah, that's true.

That is true. Right, okay. We are going to do flowers or countries. Ugh. Yeah, I know. He did well on sports, man. Yeah, I'd have done alright

on that in the end. Yeah. Countries. Countries. Here we go. Here are your answers. Colombia, Canada, Croatia, Cook Islands, Congo, Cambodia.

It's going to be capital cities or something, isn't it? What is the capital cities? No, Congo, Cambodia. It's going to be capital cities or something, isn't it? What is the capital city? No, it's not. It's which of these countries is in Africa, Colombia, Canada, Croatia, Cook Islands, Congo, Cambodia. Cook Islands. No.

Bollocks. No, that's wrong. I'll give you a clue. They drink unbungo there. Well, they do. I mean, they don't but they do is it Congo

it is Congo it is Congo Congo it's Congo they don't actually drink umbongo right they do the song says it it must be true

right Asia Cook Island is wrong oh next Europe you know what

my mind is checked out you know I got a U in my geography at school that doesn't help you now that doesn't help you now i'm classified so come on europe are you saying it's your weakest subject croatia cook islands congo cambodia oh croatia is correct is it yeah not in the european union oh it's complicated Stop touching the table. Sorry, I can't help it. Cambodia is an answer. Hang on. South America.

So South America. Is it Colombia? Yes, there we go. Three out of four moves. We got there eventually. Oh, my eyes. That's my new catchphrase. Oh, my eyes.

That's good. Is it? Do you like that? No. Oh, my eyes. Like I've seen something that's naughty. Camp it? Yeah. Do you like that? No. Oh, my eyes. Like I've seen something that's naughty. Camp it up even more. Like that.

Right, here we go. Three moves. And let's see what the TV say. That's one arrow. I'm on the move. That's two arrows. That's three arrows. All arrows.

I'm going to get a hot spot. You're going to hit a hot spot. You're going to hit a hot spot, which is not, and what is a hot spot not? Not a good spot. It's not the best TV game show catchphrase I've ever heard that. It's not.

Go all white. Yeah, but that's not really a game show specific catchphrase he did. Just his thing. It is just his thing. It's the thing that he's most known for, isn't it, Paul? Right, Eli,

do you want to do Food Or Cowords Food Food He's going for what he knows Ladies and gentlemen Your answers are Spinach

Sausage Haggis Mud pie I'll have that after yeah Olives Olives mud pie I love olives I love olives mud pie

Olive them And cow pie What I love them What's that What I love? I love them. What's that? What? I love olives.

I love olives. I love olives. I live, I live, I love olives. I love olives. I love them. This isn't happening. I had an olive. I loved it. I loved it.

Right. I'll give you your answers one more time. Okay. Spinach, sausage, haggis, mud pie. Don't mind if I do. Cow pie. Right. Here's your first question.

Cow pie? Yes. Is that cow pies at the end? As in Dan Dare's cow pie. Yeah. Not Dan Dare. Dan Dare's cow pie. Yeah. Not Dan Dare. Dan Dare's cow pie. Right.

A traditional Scottish dish. Baggis. Is correct. Next is Popeye's Strengthener. Spinach. Do you know what I found out the other day? The first ever Popeye cartoon was a comic strip. He didn't use spinach.

Oh, you boring man. He used something else, didn't he? Next. He had a magic dog, which he rubbed. He rubbed a dog? Honestly. Yeah, he had Jeep, didn't he? Yeah, Jeep the dog.

I think he rubbed Jeep. Then ate what came out. Jeep's milk. He's Jeep like a tube of paste into his gobbo. You've got to get paste came out. Right. Right In the comics what does Desperate Dan eat Cow pie And finally Punch and Judy use these Sausages

Another clean run for Mr Silverman How far will it get Here we go Here's your second screen I love them Screen three screen. I love them. Screen three. You do, indeed.

Just need to get four. All four right on the next one. Right, here we go, Mr Biffo. Your two categories are That's Easy and Pros and Cons. That's easy. Has anyone ever made that joke about pros and cons? That it could be like prostitutes and cons. I'm very sure that's been done. They've probably had a party, haven't they? Someone's done a pros and cons. That's easy. Has anyone ever made that joke about pros and cons? That it could be like prostitutes and convicts? I'm very sure that's been done. They've probably had a party, haven't they?

Someone's done a pros and cons party. Because the penis reference from last week and the fact that you didn't know a dog when Britain's Got Talent means you've got a lot to catch up on. Right, here we go. The topic is That's Easy, Mr. Buffo, and here are your answers. Easy peasy, easy going, easy rider, easy money,

easy listening, easy lover. Oh, my eyes. No. This is a famous film. Easy rider. Is correct. Number two, a style of music. Easy listening.

Is correct. And number one hit for Phil Collins and Philip Bailey. I love that song. It's a easy time. I love that song. It's a great song. It is a crack. And finally, Expression of Childish Confidence. Easy peasy.

Is correct. Another sweet, sweet run. I'm going to get myself a hotspot. Yeah, well, how early will you get your hotspot? Let's find out. Next card. One arrow. Next screen.

Two arrows. Oh, that means he's going to have a tough ending. Yeah, I know. You're two away from the end, but we know there's a hot spot there. In there. So it's about how well Eli does now. Let's find out, Eli. Concentrate, Silverman.

Here we go. Your topics are windows. Good on windows. And locations. Also quite good on locations. Oh are windows. Good on windows. And locations. Also quite good on locations. Oh, windows. No one's ever had that reaction to the word windows, mate. Grow up.

Come on. Apart from perverts. Location. John Noakes. John Noakes? Who was the guy who used to drop a feather by the double glazing? Remember, there used to be an advert for double glazing. Wasn't that John Craven?

Was it John Craven? Ted Malt? I don't know. I know there was a TV celebrity from the kids' show, and he would go, here's a good double glazing. Remember there used to be an advert for double glazing. Wasn't that John Craven? Was it John Craven? Ted Malt? I don't know. I know there was a TV celebrity from the kids show and he would go here's a good double glazing and he'd drop a feather

and it'd show that there was no breeze coming through the double glazing. And then he'd jack off on the glass and to prove that he is a celebrity he can do what he wants. Oh yeah,

it was John Maltz now. I climbed up fucking Trafalgar Square I'll spoff on your glass. Locations, please. Locations you've got. Here we go. Your answers are Coventry, Liverpool, Edinburgh, Putney, Winchester, Hampstead. Here we go.

Question number one. The famous boat race starts here. Can I have the answers again, please? Coventry, Edinburgh, Liverpool, Putney, Winchester, Hampstead. Pop music. Talking about... I thought the boat race was in fucking Oxford. Yeah, but it doesn't start there, does it?

Give me him again. Give me him again. One last time. Coventry, Edinburgh, Liverpool, Putney, Winchester, Hampstead. The boat race. Yeah. Putney. Is correct.

This is where Lady Godiva rode her horse. On a road. In the nuddy nude. In the nuddy nude. Yeah. Jingle jangle. I'll give you a clue. Because you gave me a clue.

There was a statue of her in this place. Why are you helping him out? Couldn't you help me out when I got distracted? That's true. So, come on. Coventry, Edinburgh, Liverpool, Putney, Winchester, Hampstead. This is where Lady Godiva rode her horse. Is wrong. It's Coventry. Edinburgh, Liverpool, Putney, Winchester, Hampstead. This is where Lady Godiva rode her horse. It's wrong.

It's Coventry. Next, King Arthur's Round Table is here. In his living room. Ikea. No, it's here. We are sitting around it. Oh, right. That's good.

It's square. Made of wood. They chopped it up a bit. So, come on. Where was King Arthur's Table? Was it Coventry, Edinburgh, Liverpool, Putney, Winchester, Hampstead? Winchester. Is correct.

And finally, Greyfriars Bobby pined here. Edinburgh. Is correct. That's three out of... There's another dog, celebrity dog. Greyfriars Pudsey. The sequel, yeah. Yeah.

That would be an excellent sequel. Here we go. We know you're clear, but you're not at the end. So here we go. Here's your three screams. I mean, there's no point doing that. Yeah. It's just tedious.

Yeah. All right, Paul. I did it, though, didn't I? So shut up. So you won away, but you're not quite there yet. Bitfo. The thing is, I cannot win. He can't win.

Can you not win? He could get none of these right. He will, though. If I get none right. It's so easy. Yeah. All right. All right.

In that case, here are your two categories, right? Why are you laughing at this? All right. It's either... Okay. I'm going to pick two. Come on. Stop with the cherry picking.

Novel characters or animals in films. All right. Come on. All right. Novel characters it is. Animals in films. Here we go. Horse, cat, dog, rat, dolphin, kangaroo.

I say it again. Horse, rat, dog, cat, dolphin, kangaroo. And your question is, what kind of animal is Lassie? Dog. Is correct. What kind of animal is Skippy? Kangaroo. Is correct. You don't need to get all four, really, but we'll do four anyway. What noise do they make? Kangaroo. Yeah. is correct what kind of animal is Skippy kangaroo is correct

you don't need to get all four really but we'll do four anyway what noise do they make kangaroo yeah is it like a chirruping

I don't know I have no idea pe-pe-pe-peans they're strangely silent I think actually what kangaroos what do you mean like in a mysterious way

where like they're really musky muscly fuckers aren't they you see them they're like buff. They can kill a man. Kill a man. The single glance. Question three.

Black Beauty and Flipper. Dolph. There we go. Let's see if the hot spot's the first or your second. Here we go. It's a hot spot. Flipper's a terrible name. Flipper. Yeah, they should have called it. It's like hotspot Flipper's a terrible name Flipper Yeah they should have called it It's like calling

You know Your son Hand Or something isn't it No it's not like anything like that at all Yes it is Yes it is What's a flipper

What's the equivalent of a flipper on a person A hand So it is exactly like that in fact Paul And I'd like you to take back your denial of that So you only need It's like calling A snail Eye stalk Shelley Shelley that's much better And I'd like you to take back your denial of that. So, you only need... It's like calling a snail eyestalk. Shelley.

Shelley, that's much better. Right, what do you want to do? Do you want to do What For? or Celebrity Children? Although we all know he's done a celebrity child. Oh, fuck off. It wasn't a child, but it was a daughter of a celebrity. I was discussing that the other day.

We were, it came up again, because you brought it up in front of a lady at the Hart Foundation charity shop. She was hot for me, that lady. We were. It came up again because you brought it up in front of a lady at the Heart Foundation charity shop. She was hot for me, that lady. She was. I missed this. Has this been discussed on Chate Show before? A long time ago, but Eli, brief us on what happened. I had sex with Derek, what's he called?

With Derek Griffiths. He had sex with Derek Griffiths. With Derek Griffiths' daughter. Wow. Yeah. She was at my boarding school. Did you go through the round window or the triangle? She saw your little Ted.

You had some Humpty Dumpty balls. I got Bungle on the other end. Bungle was in my band. So, do you want to do what for or celebrity children? What for? What for? All right, these are all words with for in, F-O-R. Okay.

Here we go. Forum, forfeit, forbidden, forage, foretaste, or forecast. Here we go. So. He's such a twat. Not allowed. What? Not allowed.

Forbidden Is correct There you go And with that, Eli You are this week's winner Oh, I won the last round Yeah, so you're the winner of this round So that means Biffo gets It's a draw

No, it is a draw But it still means you get two beans Both get two beans Two beans So we've got Eli on three beans I'm on one Hear me out Buffo's got fear still means you get two beans. Both get two beans. Two beans. So we've got Eli on three beans. I'm on one. Hear me out.

Buffo's got three. Buffo. Why have I got four? I've done better than that. Oh, no, sorry. It's three. Why are you adding four to my thing? What about... Yeah.

I don't want to say this because it's so terrible, but I'm going to. Of course you are. A board game with beans where it's like Sabutio. Flick my beans. Well, ladies and gentlemen, we hope you've had fun.

Join us after the break where we'll be doing our last game of the show. It is Britain's Got Talent. See you then. Bye. Bye. There's some classic entertainment and drama coming to the Palace this spring. From March the 12th, the inimitable storyteller himself, Peter Ustinov. From the 19th, Paul Eddington and Angela Thorne in the witty comedy London Assurance. And from the 27th, Richard Harrods stars in Henry IV, Pinandello's finest tragedy.

In April, the Peter Hall Company presented since compelling drama the wild duck classic entertainment this spring at the Palace Theatre, Manchester So recently light is better than heavy. It's obvious. I mean at the beginning. They said let's have some light It wasn't oh, let's have a bit of heavy while we're about it No, of course whispers are lighter than ordinary chocolate. Women's brains are lighter than men's. I wonder why that is. I don't know. I suppose Cadbury's make them that way. What, women's brains?

No, Whispers. It's obvious why men's brains are heavier. Why? More dense. Whisper. Enlightenment from Cadbury. Our Price presents Rock of America. 15 hot rocking tracks on one raunchy album. Rock of America. Featuring Jay Giles band, Rick Springfield, Lou Reed, Hall & Oates, Blondie, Meatloaf and many more.

Get mad about music and rock on down to your local outprice. Welcome back ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to our third and fourth final game. Fucking mouth bastard. Hello Paul. to our fourth third and fourth final game fucking mouth bastard hello Paul hello everyone I'm Paul Gannon and I'm joined by contestants Mr Biffo and Eli Silverman

hello and we are going to play our final game of our two part game show TV board game board game TV spin off board game

special and it is popular favourite and bringing it back it's Britain's Got Talent let's turn this bastard on I want to go on record now and say that's the worst theme tune to a TV show. I didn't even know that was the theme tune.

Yeah, that is it. Do you know what? I've never watched a whole episode of Britain's Got Talent. No. But the thing is, remember like stars in your... No, like... Star, that's what they're called. Yeah, but that was that was

wasn't that an existing song or something maybe but you still remember it from back in the day

what was the theme for stars in your eyes I guess didn't really have one don't

don't put your stars in my eyes that's more of a sort of eye dent than an actual

it's like a tiny little jingle no but the whole intro music Is not It's like the whistle It's like the McDonald's whistle Or something you know Exactly

But it's just a very short You know I'm loving it Maybe we can Or something like that Burger King If you're listening I like burgers

Burger me up Burger that Oh Patty Oh my burgers Oh burgery Cheese keep pitching keep pitching king hell yeah fuck my meat i used to think burger king was what god looked like why because they're both bearded with the crown Eating meat Yeah Right, so we're going to play the game And it's the same as always

There's a ball, we move around it I'm going to set a timer for like 20 minutes, I reckon Alright Alright Oh no I didn't even mean to, that's all Oh no, I don't like this So we're going to play this game for 20 minutes.

Whoever gets furthest round the board in the 20 minutes wins, and the other two will get beans. Double beans. Bean, bean, bean, bean, bean. Bean. Jelly bean. Double bean. Double dare beans.

These are gross beans. How do you know they're gross? You don't know. You don't know until you bite down. It's a 50-50 chance of it being gross or not gross. It's a 50-minute minute show. being gross or not gross. It's a 50-minute minute show. What am I talking about? 20 minutes.

I'm all right. I'm just going ever so slightly mad because I'm trying to do four things at once. Right. Set the timer for 20 minutes. So, Eli, you are the black cone. That's right, isn't it? That moves first. I'm the red cone.

No, you're the red cone. Who? There are three cones. I'm the black cone and... No, you're the red cone. Who? There are three cones. I'm the black cone. Yeah, and you're the red cone. That means red cones. And I'm the blue cone. How this game plays is that there is a car with three challenges on and you pick the challenge.

The tougher the challenge, the more chances you have of getting points to move around the board. The machine tells you the points, but you put in the code, so like A, and then how difficult it is. The person performs that act, you have 30 seconds or whatever. Okay. Whoever's watching it has the chance to buzz in if they don't like what they see. When this is buzzed three times, does that mean someone will probably vote twice? Then it's over. And then the machine tells you the points can I just ask that

the central hub of this game there was a James Bond film where the supervillain had a base at sea that looked like that what was that film? that would be

The Spy Who Loved Me see Moonraker I always remember that as being primarily set in space but it's not when you go back and watch it

no it's just at the end that they go into space they spent a lot of time in Venice. And a double take pigeon. Pigeons. Today's magic word. You've won the show. Right. So, who wants to go first?

Eli, Biffo or I? Oh, Eli went first. I'll take one for the team. So, you have a choice of three. The easiest one is being a champion at high-low. That's a card game. The next is you can balance. What?

Being a champion at high-low? What the fuck is that? It says here. I wouldn't know even. I'll tell you what. We'll do it this way. Let's see what that fucking means. I want to know what it means.

I want to know what that means. I want to know what that means. Right. Is that a talent? It says. Because they're all challenges. What? Astonish the judges as you quickly and correctly predict whether the next card you turn over is from a shovel deck.

That's just fucking bullshit. All right, I'll tell you what then. Here's the first challenge for you. This is on the card, right? You can accept this, any one of these three. I can play the theme tune to Friends. Right, you can accept this any one of these three i can play the theme tune up to friends right you can sing that uh your talent is imitate the sound of a mobile phone ringing or three be a bruce forsyth impersonator goes without saying come on now friends theme it is ladies and gentlemen

right so it is code c3 no we're starting it now now that the preamble's out the way let's begin britain's got talent britain's got talent that is not the theme from britain's got talent No, we're starting it now. Now that the preamble's out the way. Let's begin. Britain's Got Talent. Na, na, na, na, na, na, na. Britain's Got Talent. That is not the theme from Britain's Got Talent. I don't know what it is. Are we going? Yeah, so I'm going to type in C3.

And I believe this starts it off. And your time starts, I think it gives you half a minute. And your time starts now. Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for this lovely little boy called Bruce. Not impressed. Come on.

So give us a song, Bruce. Okay. That's two buzzers. And the friend is, oh, how are you doing? How are you? Today is a hot day. How are you doing? Please buzz, Eli.

Please. He's fucked off. Here comes. Come on, put on, Eli. Here comes the friend. Come on. It's Fred. Monica.

Oh, hello. It's over. Here we go. Your score is 6 Oh 6 You did very well So that means we go 1, 2, 3 That's not me

Eli's the black cone 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 There we go Eli you're going next Do you want to do Play a selection of UB40 songs We'll be QVC television presenter QVC television presenter please you're going next. Do you want to do play a selection of UB40 songs will be QVC

television presenter. QVC television presenter please. Alright so I'll take this one in again. It's C3 right and your time starts when I hit

the red button. Here we go. Go. Hello. Welcome back to Diamond Hour with me Eli Silverman. Now look at this piece.

Now we are slashing prices on this piece here. This has got facets. No sparkle. It's got facets and it's a diamond. Oh, Biffo's going in. Would you like this? It's only 2.99.

Look, here's some lady holding it. Oh, look at you. It's all over. What's the machine say? Your score is five oh five not bad not bad

one two three four five you're one behind Mr Biffo and now it's time for me what what should I do

no I'm only doing he didn't tell me there's a guide to tips on how to do it yeah that's on the back we can right yeah

right I can either play tunes whilst clapping and cupping my hands in front of my mouth Or I'm a cockney variety performer sing a song as cockney favorites, which is my own man's adjustment Maybe it's because of doing a traditional swinging cockney walk. Well, you know, I'm gonna pick that one So here's the big performance see three Right. Oh god. He's got The big performance. C, 3, right.

Oh, God, he's got up. Oh, maybe it's because I'm a Londoner. No, you don't get that. It's offensive. I love London town. You can't touch it. Maybe it's because I'm my old man. Get your butt out of my face. That was too sexually suggestive.

Your score is three. I was doing my very best there. You were doing the old put the bum in the right hand. There was touching of body parts. Have you never been to one of those lovely, delightful piano evenings

at a lovely pub? I see arse rubbing all the time from ladies boggling against young men at the bar. What are you talking about? I guess that's why they're called Pearly Kings. Oh, spoff!

Spoff buttons. Spoff buttons. Right, here we go. Mr. Biffo, it's back to you. Do you want to do... Oh, I don't know about that. It just says, create the songs and dances

from a Bollywood musical. Maybe not. Or do you want to hum the Mission Impossible theme tune whilst pretending to be on a mission? Well, yeah, because I'm not going to do the other one. Okay, what about this one? I'll give you another one. I'll give you another option, all right?

How about you are a roving news reporter, live on the scene reporting, or you're a country and western line dancer? I'm not giving you any more gimmies. No, I'm doing the Mission Impossible one. Oh, he wants to do the Mission Impossible one. Right, in that case, it says... While I'm on a mission.

It gives you a tip, a talent tip. Oh, yes. Leave the room, put your hands together as if holding a gun and then creep into the room acting like a spy. Remember to keep humming. You want me to get out? You don't have to get out of the room, but you do have to fucking do that.

So let's do C. Three. And your time starts... I've got to fucking do that. So let's do C. Three. And your time starts. I've got to hum it. Yeah. Can I just go? Go. Here we go.

I'm on a mission. I'm a spy. I'm on a mission. I'm coming down on the rope. You're not doing it, though. You're just fucking sitting there holding your hands. Because it's a bloody podcast. Oh, that's it. Eli's done. You're not doing it, though. You're just fucking sitting there holding your hands like... Because it's a bloody podcast. Oh, that's it?

Eli's done? You pissed Eli off, though? Your score is three. Oh, I thought that was a very poor show as well. One, two, three. That's not... Stop it. Stop it.

No, why are you doing it? Fucking hell. One, two, three. It's fine. Three. No, that was insane. Oh, you absolute arsehole. Right, Eli.

Right. That's the buzzer for you. Right. Yes. You are either going to... Okay, here we go. Play a medley of songs from various TV quiz shows or play the Eurovision Song Contest hits of your choice.

Quiz shows. Alright, ladies and gentlemen, B3. Right, on the buzzer, you have to start humming TV quiz show theme tunes. Hamming. Go.

Is it Hamming? Or singing. It just says sing tune. Go. Go. I'd like to see a bit of action and movement. It's Bobby's. That's only one theme tune. I'd like to see a bit of action and movement.

That's only one theme tune. I want more. Oh, yeah, good point. Hang on. Keep mixing it up. Hang on. I don't see a medley here, do I? Hang on. Keep going.

Hold on. You haven't got long left. He's protesting. Boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo. Yeah, there you go. That wasn't a theme tune. That was the countdown.

Yeah. Your score is five. Yes. Fuck off. You were captivated, too. It was the head bobbing and then the finger twiddling. It did capture my attention. Show biz, Paul.

You should learn a thing or two, yeah? to my attention. Show biz, Paul. You could learn a thing or two, yeah? I either have the choice of... I either have to play the theme tune to the Muppet Show

on a kazoo, or I have to... You ain't got no kazoo. There's one in the box. Kazoolus. Or to impersonate various characters from TV adverts.

Paul's going big, or Paul's going old. Oh, no. So I'm going to do the characters. Can I press the buttons? Press C and then 3. Right, and then when I'm ready to go,

press the middle button, go. Hey, everybody. Rusty's is great. Jimmy Biscuits. Hey, everyone. I'm Neil from Young Ones. It's so sad. He wasn't in an ad.

He wasn't in an ad for beans. No, he wasn't. You're back at wasn't You're fucked Get out of here What are you doing Neil from the Young Ones for? Your score is three He wouldn't go in an advert I bet there's an advert with Neil in from the Young Ones

I bet there isn't Okay Google Neil from the Young Ones TV advert Here's an answer from YouTube No The answer's no. Right. Oh, no.

Neil and Vivian advertise Friends Providence. Oh, hang on. Oh, well. I told you to get rid of them on Monday. You might give a god I do everything myself. I said so, so, so. Ah, Neil. Oh, hi, Viv.

Still trying to save the world, eh, Neil? It's money that makes the world go round, not peace and love. You can't love your neighbour and make a decent profit. Well, you can with Friends Provident, actually, Viv. I'm talking serious money. Every man for himself. Friends who? Friends Provident. They're really big in ethical

investment. Ethical? Yeah, they believe in keeping your money out of anything heavy. Well, I suppose you're starting to make a heavy profit, are you, Neil? Well, actually, I already have, Vivian. Well, how do they manage it? Talk to my breadhead. Ask your breadhead about stewardship ethical investments from Friends Provident. We've grown big by being recommended. That is Neil, isn't it? That is Neil. But he's had his hair cut. So I would like an apology from you and you about that.

I'll never apologise. Yeah. No regrets. This is no fair. Right. We're back to Eli again. Did you move three? Yes, I did. That's no fair. Right. We're back to Eli again. Did you move three? Yes, I did.

That's why I'm here. No, it's me this time. Oh, it's Biffo. All right. Okay, your options are create the sounds of a farmyard. Oh, yeah. Or... We know, we know. We're not even bothered reading the rest of it out.

Or give a brilliant best man speech. No, I'm doing the farmyard. Farmyard is B and then three. And begin. Moo. It's an impressive start. Tractor that. So far he's on. Still got about 20 seconds left.

Moo. That's his best man speech. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo.

Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Still got about 20 seconds left. The cow's come back. So, if we're not playing just a minute... We are. Oh, the fucking tractor again. Oh, the tractor's going to kill the cow. The tractor's going to kill the cow. That's good.

I like it. Full of action. The cow's in pain No that sounds like a A bear Fuck off Your score is five Oh that's bullshit

You're red aren't you One two three four five It puts you in the lead Eli you're next Okay Right You can either be A cartoon bird impressionist,

or you can be a comedian. So do you want to do cartoon bird? And it says such as Woody Woodpecker, Tweety Pie, Roadrunner, and Daffy Duck. Or would you like to pretend to be a stand-up comedian? And they do give you a joke to get you started on the thing. Okay, good, I'll do that. All right, B2. B2.

Are you ready to go? Go. Yeah, so I had a Christian mother and a Jewish dad, so it was mealtimes, you know. No, hang on, hang on. I want a punchline I want a joke I want an introduction

hang on hang on no you can't say that don't spend two pounds to dry clean a shirt

donate to Oxfam and then they'll clean it and put it on a hanger next morning buy it back fucking hell how dare you

heckle me you cunt your score is four oh that's bullshit one two three four

you didn't even hear my punchline about having a Jewish dad it's because you moved on yeah and it was also unfunny

and we didn't care and also there isn't a punchline so there my mum's Christian my dad's Jewish. Oh, on Sundays, it's difficult in the kitchen.

All weekends are busy. Right, we're back to... Who's next? It's me, isn't it? Right, I can either do... Oh, I've done that one. Hang on. I've done that one.

I can impersonate a taxi driver talking to a passenger and a hairdresser barber talking to a customer. Or I can do gargle the national anthem. No, do the first one. I don't want to hear your throat. All right, here we go. dresser barber talking to a customer or I can do gargle the national anthem no do the first one I don't want to hear your throat all right here we go I'm

gonna be taxi driver talking to you you can be my passenger all right here we go so the is a it is a to mr. Silverman got a taxi for you sir get in the back all right where'd you want to go mate mate? Home. Where's home? We don't have a TomTom. I'm a proper taxi driver, mate. Don't use that. I know the knowledge, mate. I studied the knowledge for 40 years, man and boy. Well, you know where I live then, don't you?

You know my name. You've got to tell me the name. How do you know my fucking name then? Because that's what we schlep. If you're that kind of taxi. Your fucking attitude is appalling, mate. I'm trying to do it for a fucking job. Fuck off!

Fuck you! Fuck you, mate! Your score is three. Fuck, it's three! Yeah, you were abusing the passenger. Yeah, you were terrible. You abused me! How did you know my name?

Passengers always right. I got a call, didn't I? Picked Eli Silverman up from his address. Where's he going? I was starting a conversation. You knew where I was going, because I would have told you. You two have been really vindictive against me. There's no need.

There is. There is. Well, less time now. Six minutes. Right, back on we are. Quick, quick, quick, quick. Around each. Around each.

Right. Okay. Mr. Biffo, you can either be, you can, oh, no. That's appalling. Sing a selection of hymns or sing like a pirate. I'm going to sing some hymns. Right, sim some hymns. B2.

Board is black, the chalk is white Together we learn to read and write To read and write The child is black It was in and write. The child is black. It was in my school. The child is white. Together we learn to read and write. I can't sing.

I'll do it. I'll accompany you. I don't know the rest. The child is white. Together we learn to read and write. To read and write. The paper is... Kazoo solo. That's it.

It's off. That's it. That's it. It's like a dying Muppet. Your score is four. Yeah. Oh, this is ridiculous. One, two, three, four.

I'm happy with that. Right. He's got talent. Eli. That's bit up my arse, by the way, that is ridiculous. One, two, three, four. I'm happy with that. Right. He's got talent. Eli. That's bit up my arse, by the way, that kazoo. Oh, I don't care. You should. You can either impersonate all the characters from Shrek

or you can speak in a number of different English dialects. You've got Cockney, Geordie, Brummie, Scouse, Cornish. So what do you want to do out of those two? What were those? Sorry. Cockney, Scouse, Brummie, Cornish or Geordie. And what's the other option? Impersonate all the characters from Shrek. Shrek, Donkey.

This is where Eli's talent hits the wall. This is where the seams are shown. I'll do the accents. Alright, I'll tell you what then. I'll give you something to read. You Can Heal Your Life by Lionel L. Hay. And what I'm going to do is... Have you typed it in? You haven't, have you?

No. Right. You can pick any page, say anything you want, but I'll shout out the changes of your accents. Am I starting with? So, anyone you want. Well, what are they? Geordie Cockney Scouts Brumiel Corner.

She'll let you pick one. All right. B, three. When you say ready, say go. What are they again? Anyone you wantney Scouts Brumiel Corner. I shall let you pick one. B, 3. When you say ready, say go. What are they again? Anyone you want.

Just say them again. Geordie Cockney Scouts Cockney. I'll start with Cockney.

Ready? Here we go. 3, 2, 1, go. Oh, love a duck. There is so much love in your heart.

That's like Australian. That you can heal the entire planet, loving Mary Poppins. Geordie. But just for now, let's use this to love

to nuke. I kind of want to press the button, but I know I'm torn. Feel a warmth beginning to glow. Scouse. It feel like a warmth beginning to cool. Your heart's into a softness with gentle. Cornish. Let this

feeling begin. my lover. To begin to change the way you think about and talk about. Brummie. Oh, dear. I'm going to persevere, though. I can't. Come on, Brummie. You've spent so much love in your heart that you could kill the entire

planet but just for now Welsh oh he survived the round your score is six

yeah look at that your black wall that he's gonna win the game well I could come from behind and get

20 points and win this but I'm not get 20 points and win this, but I'm not going to. 20 points. What are you going to do, mate? Impersonation of Warner Brothers characters or a selection of songs from Oliver. I'm going to end on a song from Oliver.

End on a song, ladies and gentlemen. You can always get a round of applause. B3. Here we go. Go. Food, glorious food. Hot peppers and mustard. Eggs full of babies.

I like us fucking in custard. You've got to pick a pocket or two, boy. You've got to pick a pocket or two. I'll do anything. Yeah, you missed it. Your score is three. I only get three. You left the best one until after you got buzzed out.

Yeah, well, I didn't have time. Start with that. Start with the crowd, please. I'd do anything for you. Love anything for you. Love anything for you. A love anything for you. You love anything. Fantastic. Lovely romantic song.

Oompa-pa-pa, oompa-pa, everyone knows. Oompa-pa-pa, oompa-pa, up your big nose. That one. Well,

Eli's won. Oh, there's 20 seconds. Let's do something fun for 20 seconds. Eli, can you put your penis

inside your own bottom hole? It's already there, mate. Is it? Yeah. That's why I'm in a good mood. Seven, six, five, four, three. I can do Welsh.

Go on. Oh, hello. Oh, that's a shame. Well, Britain's Got Talent is over. Stop the fans. Is it bean time bean eating time it's time

so hang on let's find out where we are we've got in the back Paul Gannon right at the back next

who's red me oh so Biffo second between Eli wins Britain's Got Talent well you know it's the talent

so that's two beans for Biffo one bean oh two beans for Paul how many beans are we going to have to fucking

eat a whole mouthful of beans dirt beans oh these are the worst kind of beans as well and I don't know where they

so let's have a quick let's have no no they're double dares let's have a quick break and when we

come back it is the final forfeit oh see you after these messages everyone bye get up get up get up to kellogg's pop tarts put them in the toaster revolutionize your breakfast give them a shot real food flavors and a chocolate one too And we're back for our final segment. Just a little, well, it's the forfeit time.

We've had our winners, we've had our losers, but now it's time to spin the wheel and flick the bean. I'm going to flick beans in your mouth, Eli, with my wanger. I'm going to pitch and whack it in your gobble. Yeah. A sticky wanger bean feast stick in your gobby droppy blobhole. Promises, promises. This is just you over the course of nearly 200 episodes.

We have almost ruined the English language completely. We totally have. And that's something to be proud of. I like the thing. So, you've got four each. Oh, I don't want to eat these beans. It's going to make me feel sick. They're that bad.

I've got a tuna baguette in my bag. They're all over the place. They've all been mixed up in time. Oh, no. Oh, so it's a complete pop shot hot shot. Hang on. No, you can't know. I've been touched by your hands now.

There's a health scare on it in the world. And now you're fingering the beans. You're fingering the beans. With my dirty fingers. Yeah. Reminds me of school. No, it doesn't. I don't know what you're talking about.

Well, how are we going to choose what colour we're at? Yeah. Surely, then we can kind of go, oh, I'll have toothpaste, because that's basically just... Well, you can have toothpaste, and don't call me Shirley. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha So we can still spin the wheel Wheel of fortune all over again Back to the background To the wheel of fortune Here we go, we started with a wheel of fortune And we're ending on a wheel of misfortune Aren't we?

How exciting, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls Bean time Bean time Right, so I'll go first No, I'll tell you what We'll do it in a route, so, you two go first, then me. Because I only got three, and you got four each. So, with that in mind, Mr. Silverman, you start your first bean.

Flick the arrow. Come on, toothpaste. Snail or caramel? What do you want to go for? Well, you have to pick. Which ones are they? I think it's those creamy ones on the end. I think it's the creamy ones.

I've got one. Right, here we go. creamy ones on the end. I think it's the creamy ones. I've got one. Right, here we go. Time to dip the bean. This could be caramel or it could be snail. Yeah, good luck. It's caramel. Oh. Right.

Spin the wheel. That was a nice spin there. And it's landed on cola or cat food. So it's a brown one. Pick any brown one. My favourite. In it goes. He's having a snuffle. You can't tell from the half. So it's a brown one. Pick any brown one. My favourite. In it goes. He's having a snuffle.

You can't tell from the half. That's the problem. Yeah. There's no snuff. What is it? That ain't good. What is it? Is it cat food?

Must be. Is it meaty? Does it taste of fishy, meaty fish? It's got a beef. Maybe it is cola. How do you not know? I don't understand. Well, no, the first bite, I wasn't sure.

Oh. Right, I've got cola. Oh. Ha ha. Right, my turn. Here we go. Oof. Watermelon or snot.

Right. Oh, he's going to get a bad one. Here we go. Green. Watermelon or snot. Oh, fucking snot. Why are you crunching it like that? That was a tough one. Oh, fucking snot! Why are you crunching it like that? That was a...

Oh, God. Just eat it. Chew it. Chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew. Swallow it, you bastard! Don't spit it down the toilet, you lightweight. He's retching. Come back here.

Paul, come back in here. You're ruining everything. See, the bean boozled snot just tastes salty. Yeah. So that must be. Good. I love it. It never ceases to delight me when you do that.

Oh, God. Right, my go. Hopefully I'm going to avoid the beans. How many beans have I got to eat? Three more. Three more, Jesus Christ. Why have I got most beans? What, none of them are snot?

So that's... These? Is it these ones? Yeah, the green one. Straight in, down the hatch. Oh, that bad immediately. Yeah, they're not good. This is really worrying.

I'm going to have to go and get a new one. I'm going to have to go and get a new one. I'm going to have to go and get a new one. I'm going to have to go and get a new one. I'm going to have to go and get a new one. Oh, that bad immediately. Yeah, they're not good. This is really worrying. Oh, they're so nasty. It's like soy sauce. I'm really concerned about this. You just hope you get the toothpaste, mate. Because, I mean, bean food's all bad, but... Caramel or snail? Caramel or snail again.

Here we go. It must be caramel. Oh, if he's getting all the lucky... Caramel. Oh, God. Lucky pie. Is it my go again? Yeah.

50% of mine have been good. Oh, fuck off. More melon or snot again? More melon or snot. Oh, God. Come on. It's going to be snot. It's going to go for the nearest one.

I was that close to throwing up. Two seconds. Good. Please, please, please. Watermelon. Watermelon, which I fucking hate. Well, yeah. It's not disgusting, is it?

Yeah. Right, so my go? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got two beans to go. I've had one good, one bad so's not disgusting, is it? Right, is it my go? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got two beans to go. I've had one good, one bad so far. Oh, God. Come on, toothpaste. Curl all cat food.

Right, curl all cat food. Pick up the darker brown ones, yeah. I can smell that it's cat food from here. Really? Yeah. Down the hatch, mate. Even through the shell. Down the hatch.

Yeah. It's not looking good. shell. Down the hatch. Yeah. It's not looking good. It's not looking good. It's got... It's got a sort of sesame flavour. God. Why are you retching again? You have watermelon.

That's so nasty. It's my last feed. That's my go. Oh, yeah, your go. Sorry. That cat food is really something. Toothpaste. He's on a lucky fucking run.

Is it toothpaste or blueberry? Either way. Either way. Either way. Minty mint. I like toothpaste. I like blueberry. Can't go wrong. mint. I like toothpaste. I like blueberry. Yeah?

Can't go wrong. Also, I like grass. I mean, freshly mown grass. Yeah, we know. Right, my turn. Spin the wheel. Come on, baby. This is your last bean, baby.

Come on, baby. Give me something good. What is that? Strawberry or blood? Blood. Blood. Blood really sets your gag off. Yeah, it does. Nice, nice fresh blood. Remind me. Blood really sets your gag off. Yeah, it does.

Nice fresh blood. Remind me about that. You know what? This is the tiniest one in the whole bean bar. This is the tiniest bean. That's not the right colour. Why are you eating

a tiny bean? Are you a big bean? They're all the same. You want a big bean? No, that's a cat food one. It's not. Look, it's red. Red.

Compare it to a brown. Yeah. Strawberry or blood. Here we go, ladies and gentlemen. I'm close to being sick anyway right now. Here we go. Be careful.

It's just blood, Paul. Oh, Paul. Oh, Paul. Oh, Paul. Oh, dear. Oh, that's hilarious. Well done. All right. So what? We got one more. Yeah, two bad and one good. Yeah. You got one more each, you two.

So yeah, two bad, one good. Spin it. Oh. Oh, watermelon snot. Good luck. I didn't have luck with it last time. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.. Spin it. Oh, watermelon or snot. Watermelon or snot. Good luck.

I didn't have luck with it last time. Watermelon. Oh, good. So that was two bad, two good, wasn't it? Come on, end with a disgusting one for Biffo. That's all I want. Watermelon or snot. Come on, please give him the snot one.

Come on, baby. Come on. Down the hatch. Watermelon. Oh! You even gave me a tissue well on that bombshell ladies and gentlemen thank you for joining us

for our epic two part board game TV show quiz show board game podcast cheap show special charity shop discovery podcast board game podcast show

thank you bye bye bye bye Thank you. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Well, that was a lot of fun, wasn't it? Actually, the answer is no. Cheap Show will, however, be back next week. But I won't be. Do you hear that, Paul?

I'm never doing this again. It's below me. I can't believe you had the cheek to ask me to do my catchphrase this week. I'm not doing it. And also, my catchphrase is not go wild in the aisle. Everyone knows it's, ooh, I could crush a grape. Oh, exploring the actor's cube is on next, apparently. Bye, losers!

Hello, my name's Gordon Tractor. Welcome to another edition of Exploring the Actor's Cube, where we sit down with a famous actor and we talk about their career in mind-numbingly boring detail. I love it. Our guest this week, why, is one of the most famous, oh, what's he from, actors. Why, it's everyone's favourite side player, Grumpy Sessions. Welcome to the show, Grumpy. Thank you, thankumpy Sessions. Welcome to the show, Grumpy. Oh, thank you. Thank you so much. It's a real honour and a privilege to be here. I've seen this on TV. I've seen it. I see the red couch here and I think, ooh, oh, would you, Grumpy,

could you ever be there, Grumpy? Could you make it onto the actor's couch on the actor's cube on Exploring the Actor's Cube with Gary Tractor? Now, now, now, now, Grumpy, Grumpy, Grumpy, Grumpy, Grumpy, Grumpy, Grumpy, Grumpy, Grumpy, Grumpy. Yes. Looking back, let's start with your first role, shall we? You played an ice cream man. Yes, it was a typecasting really because I used to go around pretending I was an ice cream man in my early days looking for work. Now, the film you seem to remember was called Corsstruth Blimey.

That's right. Which was a sex comedy from the 70s. Who did you work with? I worked with Kenneth Big Boy, Richard Boy. Ah, from the famous Boy family of actors. Yes, Kenneth Big Boy, Richard Boy. And he was a very, very dashing fellow. And he approached me on the street. I was pretending to be an ice cream seller

and he had a very thick cockney accent he was a he was a he was a poor boy done good as we used to say in those days and he came up to me and he said god blimey you look just like a like an ice cream seller do you want to be in my movie it's only half a bob but you get to see lovely tits and i said oh i'd like to see some tits i said uh oh yes and i said yeah i'll do it and that was my first role now it would be it would be remiss of me not to mention your famous line from that which gets a lot of people on the street stopping you and asking for a quote so So could you maybe give us that famous line from Oof, Struth, Blimey. Oh, I don't know. I don't know.

Come on now, Grumpy. You can do it. Shout your famous line. Okay, I can try. I'll try for you. Okay, here goes. Would you like a zoom up here madam

yeah that'll do I'll stop it yeah stop it I'm getting into it grumpy I can feel grumpy inside me Inside me.