CheapShow - Ep 173: Crisp Edgelord

Episode Date: April 10, 2020

If you think a bloody Lock Down is going to stop Eli and Paul from pumping out white hot cheapshow goodness, you are wrong. At least for the time being. By using a device called "the internet" Paul and Eli are able to record more top drawer economy comedy podcast joy. This week we unpack a long lost segment, dive into a crisp conspiracy (that may be b*****s!) and attempt a remote Price of Shite. We may even introduce a new character. One that even Eli likes! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-173-crisp-edgelord If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! AWARDS: Vote Now @projectcheapsk8 www.tinyurl.com/cca2020vote MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Paul is writing a book! Want to help make it happen? https://unbound.com/books/ghosts/

How many times have you touched your genitals then since the lockdown? How many times have you given them a good, vigorous, old, friendly handshake? I'm not even going to. You should though, because I don't have an intro for this episode. So just tell me how many times you wank. It is that simple. No, Paul, I'll tell you what. What?

You really do not have an intro. You do not have an intro. And I'll tell you what isn't the intro. You do an intro And I'll tell you what isn't the intro I'll tell you what isn't the intro Is it this? Yes, this is not the intro I'm going to stop the recording I can stop the fucking recording mate

I'm recording my side What do you want me to do? Fucking think of something Apart from me touching my nads Jesus Christ Fine, okay Do you want me to do? Fucking think of something apart from me touching my nads. Jesus Christ. Fine, okay. What do you want me to fucking say to you? Doesn't matter.

I've got it. I've sorted it out. Here's a new... First of all, you could have just told me how many times you'd touch your dick to the point of ejaculation. That's all I would have asked. Then I could have gone, it's cheap, show. You know?

Only a few times. How many times? A handful of times. So to speak. It's Cheap Show. Oh, fucking hell. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles

It's just a fact of Cheap Show You're gonna have to learn to fucking accept Cheap Show Cheat Show It's the Price of Shite Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheat Show And I go and I nuzzle

Hello ladies and gentlemen, and boys and girls, for another episode of Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast with me, Paul Gannon, and my faithful friend... Eli Silverman, hi. Hi. Hi. You know what, Paul? What? The number of ball-touching incidents, it's increasing.

Is it building up momentum? It's surging as we speak. Are the numbers rising? The numbers are rising, going up all the bloody time, mate. Have we reached peak genital manipulation yet? You've given me an idea, basically, and I'm

carrying through. Go on. I'm not touching my nads. I can't believe we're talking about this. What? As if people don't know that I wank. You know, everyone wanks. In normal society these days, it's a normal, healthy thing that you do to prevent fucking bollock cancer.

I don't know if they're going to put that on a poster, though. Wank more, you won't get bollock cancer. It's not going to turn up in a surgery ward wall, is it? I've seen it. Have you? You've seen the poster that says explicitly wank more or you'll get bollock cancer i was at the gp and i'm waiting and they've got all the posters there you know how to wash your hands and you know yeah you know you should get diabetes check if you're over certain age and all of this and then and there's a poster there going spoff your broth off twice daily bollock

to stop getting bollock cancer you can't, that's what the poster actually said, great well you know there's the funding for the NHS for you isn't it, working in action, it's madness it's madness mate, speaking of madness I'm getting close to it, I've been in the house

now for about two and a half weeks I've left the house twice briefly once to go to Morrison's which was very much like the scene in

Dawn of the Dead where they sneak out of their hidey hole and race into the mall to grab a few essentials and get back ah yeah

so oh Dawn of the Dead yeah yeah they went to the park the whole thing's got a bit of a Dawn of the Dead, yeah. Yeah, they went to the park. The whole thing's got a bit of a Dawn of the Dead kind of vibe to it, doesn't it, really? It's just bizarre. Very weird

times. So I think it's our duty, you and I, to provide a service of larks and yucks and ha-ha-has for the people listening who want to take their mind off the subject for an hour or so. Yes, you're absolutely right, Paul. And let me just have a little go at that now, if you'll let me.

No, by all means, sir. Wanky bollock, fill my bollock, stuff it up your bum, bollock hole, touch my nads, hairy bum bum. Good start. Win it. Let me just add a few more to that. Let me just add a few more. Bam bam Good start Win it Win it farmer Let me just add a few more Jizzy splish splash

Farty party Grizzle nizzle Glocky woppy Grizzle nizzle Swoppy woppy Wibbly dibbly Poosh Paul we were

I was told to move on twice by the police yesterday. Because they thought what? They thought that because someone in the government said people shouldn't be going to the park, that they thought that was law. And they've taken it into their own hands to harass myself when I was completely apart from every other person,

but just happened to be out. I think, frankly, the two policemen were out. They saw you. We thought, are you bored, mate? And the other one went, yeah, let's take the piss out of this toss pot. So I went up and just started to nag you for a bit. No, but the funny thing that he said, he said, look...

Suck my dick. No. He said, you know, we're asking people to move on and we need to be seen to be not just saying this to certain types of people oh interesting so what's he trying to say okay uh we're only coming up to you because you're not black so we have to balance the bush books or something you know what i mean possibly that doesn't work i don't know maybe they're just randomly randomly grabbing people and saying go home they are but the other incident that happened the other day was walking yeah tales from the walking so that's what we should do a new bit for this period

of the thing yeah here we go so when we have our rare instances where we walk for some reason then yeah we can tell a story parkway callway. Call it The Pathway. Tales from the Pathway. You know what? Round of applause for Eli Silverman. A brand new segment that's fully ratified by Paul Gannon, TM. Thank you very much. So, Tales from the Pathway. Tales from the... What's it called? Pathway. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Tales from the Pathway. Hello, welcome to Tales from the Pathway with myself, Eli Silverman. This is the section of Cheap Show where I will regale the listenership with little anecdotes about my totally safe social distancing allowed walks right fair enough so i'm going on one of these totally allowed totally not forbidden walks because i'm a free person you know and i'm prepared to to stay home if that's but i'm

allowed out once a day, right? Stop digging. Whatever. Tell the story. So I'm walking along, and some police are coming towards me, okay? So I think I need to remain a safe two metres away from these people, just like anyone else, not just because they're police, and then I move aside. But they see me moving aside, and they follow me. They cross as well as well you know like two people trying to avoid

each other when they're walking towards each other but yeah they're doing on purpose so i move so i move across to the other side of the road again but i zigzag back right and they move back and then i think what the fuck is going on and i zigzag back the other way and they come back the other way and i'm like what the fuck is going on here and he goes oh it's a bit suspicious they're both about two for one so i'd have come across's a bit suspicious. They're both about two for one. So I'd have come across as Jasper Carrot. They're both about fucking seven years old, these fucking policemen.

So they've gone from two-year-olds to seven-year-olds to prove your point that they're just young men. Two is just a bit too young. It really is. I don't think two-year-olds have access to... No, they don't have motor skills. Right, so... So anyway, he goes,

he goes, what are you doing trying to avoid us, bitches, what are you up to? And I'm like, it's two metres. We're meant to keep two metres away from everyone. You know? And he went, and then they walked off. Like, what kind of fucking moron are you?

As if I was trying to get away from them i'd still i'd keep walking towards them but just try and keep out of their path that's what i'd do if i was guilty of something and i was trying to you know what i mean as if and as if he hasn't seen the news anyway there's my tales from the fucking pathway from the pathway uh it's not very good right okay we're moving on. We do have content for this episode, and some of it's been supplied by... What have we got coming up?

Well, we've got a little... Well, we've got a story to interfere with. What's the word I'm looking for? Interfere? Interject? Investigate? We've got something to interfere with? We've got a story. I've got a little story I'd like to interfere with. Yeah, have you? Go on.

Yeah, it's the story of my dick getting hard tale as old as time um i like to interfere by uh aiding in it in its hardness growing style right i can't believe i'm talking about my dick now i dropped it a long time anyway we're doing that and we do have a price of shite. Price of shite. Fantastic. Now, this is the first time we're going to try a remote price of shite. So I'll be playing the game of price of shite today, but I won't be able to actually physically hold the objects in my hand. I'll be watching them. In many respects, it could be a tougher challenge,

but we'll see. That's all to come on this week's lockdown edition of Cheap Show. And for the record, I've had three wanks and it's just not good enough. I need to do better. What do you mean? I can't be doing just three. It's a good old time for a couple of minutes. It's a lark.

You know what? I laugh myself to death sometimes masturbating. It's such a laugh. I'm on my back with my legs in the air jostling and bouncing up and down as I reach the end of a long, slow wank. Welcome to Cheap Show. Let's crack on with the show, shall we? So, Mr. Silverman, now that we're all on lockdown, do you have any life hacks for us to get us through this difficult time? Well, Paul, you said, why not do some life hacks again? And the problem with that is that would involve actually being able to think of a single thing.

So, you've not thought of anything? I did have one. I did have one. Yeah. Do you want to hear it? All right. Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, long-awaited life hack. Here we go. When you're ready, Mr Silverman, begin. In the morning, for breakfast, have a fries Turkish delight and then sort of try to go back to sleep for a couple of hours but not really manage it. This is very specific-sounding life hack. Yeah, that's what i've been doing on at least two

mornings recently i've had a whole fries turkish delight just there by the bed in the house of pickles ready yeah have it ready this is part of the taste of is it a taste of paradise just just so you can escape for a while i don't't know about you. I don't know if we discussed this on Cheap Show before, Paul, but I fucking love a fries Turkish delight, me. Love it. I don't think I've had one in decades. I can safely say decades. Why don't you like them?

I'll tell you why. Remember the Milky Bar story? What, about when you ate so much white chocolate that you vomited? Yeah. Yeah. You did the same thing with Turkish Delight? Pretty much. So, back in school days, I wanted to be an actor,

and so there was a school production of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, and I, more than anything in the world, wanted to be Edmund. Okay. You know, the kind of bad kid. Right. Because he gets all the juicy roles, right? Well, I don't know. You know what would be a good role?

What? Guess which role I'd try and get, I don't know. You know what would be a good role? Which I'd go for. Guess which role I'd try and get if I were doing that. The lion. No, Mr. Tumnus. Oh, Mr. Tumnus. Why do you think you'd make a good Tumnus? Because he's puckish, isn't he? He's sort of squat and he's got hairy legs and stuff.

More like a sheep. You would literally look like Danny DeVito's character in Hercules. You know that, right? Fucking great. That'd be great, wouldn't it? Well, there you go. So anyway, I want it to be Edmund. And what's Edmund's trait in that book?

Remember? That a snow queen lures him with Turkish delight. Oh, of course. Yes, that's where it... Yes. Yeah. So during the audition process, I would get into character by eating Turkish delight.

And then during one of the auditions, I'd eaten too much. And when the director... I can't remember his name, had teachers at action, I was just sick all down my front. Really? And they gave me the role of Peter. Who's the good boy? Who's the goody good boy?

You get a sword fight but it's boring. Yeah, but I bet Peter was more like you. Just sort of a milk toast, wallflower type. I'm more like Edmund. You're not a bad boy. I'm a naughty boy. You're not. You weren't a bad boy at school. I can prove it.

How were you a bad boy at school? I was. What did you do? I was. I used to roll my blazer sleeves up in a Miami Vice style way. No, I made leg warmers out of a jumper i had by cutting off the sleeves right yeah okay i shat in a history teacher's mouth no you oh fuck off you got immediately

we're we're in flights of fantasy because you can't even think of your bad boy credentials that's how i got my b well have you been expelled from a school? Have you? No. Well, I have. Who's the bad boy? Well, kind of, actually. Kind of. What do you mean, kind of? Well, when I first went to secondary school, I couldn't adjust to the change from primary to secondary,

and I hated it. And so I would bunk off school all the time and not do stuff and be surly. And so I got taught from home for a while, and then they integrated me slowly back into school that way. That is quite bad boy. And then I shat in the PE teacher's mouth and got an A. You fucking didn't. I used to throw chairs at the teachers.

What, tiny little ones? Yeah, they were little ones, yeah. Funny, how did you know that? Were you there? How old were you? Were you like three? No, this is when I was sort of eight, nine. This is when you were at that school, so basically all the chairs you would have thrown were

probably made of fucking marshmallows or something and didn't do any damage. No, it was the Steiner School, which is... They make pianos, yeah. That's Steinway. No, I went to a Steinway school. No, I went to a Steiner school. Oh.

That's that joke. No, it wasn't a joke. It was. So we've lost our way here, haven't we? I mean, what are we talking about? Yeah, well, you're meant to be doing life facts. All right, I've got a life fact for you then. What did you think about my Turkish delight life hack?

Life hack, life hack. It was all right. It was all right. It was, you know, specific. I've got another one. Does it bring you joy? I've got another quick one. To guard against times of trouble and scarcity,

to guard against times of trouble and scarcity simply develop a trivia and noodle obsessed podcast and people will send you supplies that will be in your room forever i've been eating all sorts of weird chocolate that we never did on the show you are it's like many respects cheap shows turned you into like a turned you into a conspiracy truther who's got a bunker with all tin food and things in it. There's so many noodles in here that I never even thought about. A doom prepper or something they call it. I've prepped with noodles, mate. I've got noodles as far as the eye can see.

It's like the warehouse at the end of Indiana Jones, mate. But just noodles. Yeah. Indiana Silverman and the Raiders of the Lost... So what... Noodle. Fucking, I thought that it'd cut out on your end and not that you just couldn't finish the sentence.

I was trying to think of a clever cup noodle name to replace Ark and then I realised I know next to nothing about noodles because I never listen to you. Yeah, that's fucking true. And you should listen more. Well, there we go. I've got a life hack.

Okay, hit me with it. All right, get ready. If you're running low on tobacco or you've got dry tobacco and you're a smoker. Right. Oh, this is great. Take the dry tobacco you've got left, separate it into two halves.

On one half, you put it on a bit of paper and you spray it lightly with water, if you can get a fine mist, and you get it damp. And once that side's damp, you put it in with the dry, and you mix it up, and you put it in a little bag to sweat off. And in about a couple of hours, it's much more moist, and you can have old tobacco.

That's not a life hack, that's how to give yourself lung cancer. Alright, well, do-do-do-do-do. It's not a life hack. That's how to give yourself lung cancer. All right. Oh, do, do, do, do, do. This is not... All right, okay. All right, here's a life hack for you. Okay.

If you're running low on toilet paper... Yeah. Here's what you do. You have to put up with just smelling like shit forever. Yeah, that's a good one, yeah. No, all right. If you're running low on toilet paper, smelling like shit forever. Yeah, that's a good one, yeah. No. All right, if you're running low on toilet paper, buy elaborate towels from your supermarket

and just burn through them. Yeah. If you're running low on toilet paper, grow up and be a man about it, or woman, or... Right. Or whatever gender you prefer to be recognised as, if indeed you do at all.

Thank you, Paul. Yeah, get on. And just wipe your hand with your arse. I mean your arse... Your arse with your hands. Well, we came very close to that, in that we were close to running off on toilet paper, and I thought, you know what, end of the day,

if we run out of toilet roll, I'm just going to use the shower head and give it a good old water blast. Well, that's why B-days are actually a good thing, aren't they? Remember B-days? Yeah. My first experience of the B-day was when we were on holiday as a family in Spain in the mid-'90s,

so it must have been like 14, 15. I remember seeing one, and it was a small toilet next to a big toilet. And I thought, what's all that about? So I sat on it, and I saw the two taps. One said hot and cold. So I just thought, I'll just put hot on. Didn't realize it would be the hottest water known to human existence. And not only that, but my ring piece was so perfectly placed on the jet stream of that hot blast of water that i shot off it like yosemite salmon running around in circles and then eventually had to stick an ice cold sponge of water up my bumhole to stop the pain wow i didn't think we were going to get a b-day story of that

quality today paul thank you you burnt your ass very much all i'm saying is test the temperature of the water before you put the most delicate part of your body right up against it okay we will but you don't see them anymore do they've gone out of fashion didn't they but they'd be good if you had runny low on toilet paper wouldn't they well like it's just apparently like in some countries bidets or whatever just perfectly natural normal things they don't have toilet paper you know but like britain's just apparently like in some countries, bidets or whatever, just perfectly natural, normal things, and they don't have toilet paper, you know. But, like, Britain is just a toilet paper country. It certainly is.

Which is why people go fucking mental when they think they can't wipe their arse. Yes, it's bizarre. So here's what we're doing in this segment. Okay. That was a great life hack, by the way. Well done. Thank you. Well worth bringing back.

Oh, definitely. So, we've had a few people send us this on Twitter. So if you'd sent this article on Twitter, there was about 20. Thank you all. Thanks for sending stuff in. It comes from Vice. The article is called, The Walker's Crisp Conspiracy That Has Convinced People We're In An Alternate Reality.

I bet this is about the triumvirate of snacks, isn't it? Well, let's see where it goes. Fucking hell, mate. We have covered this topic before. Funny enough, it's like that Berenstain-Burrs bullshit that we had to talk about a few years ago. The Mandela effect, yeah. It was always Stain.

It's because Steen or Stein, it's much more commonplace that we supplanted that in place of Stain. I do think, though, since 2016, we have bumped over into another reality because all of this is fucking cock-a place of stage. Yes. I do think, though, since 2016, we have bumped over into another reality because all of this is fucking cock-a-bonkers. Yeah. Right, anyway, so here's what the story goes like. It's on Vice.

Who's the article? Augustine Cerf. Very strange name. Two-thirds of people I spoke to, including Gary Lineker, believed the company's salt and vinegar packets were once blue and their cheese and onion packets were green. Apparently, they're all wrong. What? And that's the pre-see. That's the

pre-see with which this story begins. Oh my what? Paul, what? Calm down. You'll cover this. No. Rationally. No, I don't. Calm down. Right, take a breath. Take a breath. I know we're living in strange times. Cheese moment. Come, take a breath. Take a breath.

I know we're living in strange times. Cheese moment. Come on. Cheese moment. Oh, on a sidebar, on a little sidebar here, Paul. Guess who ate literally two packets of bacon fries and two packets of scampi fries in one sitting in bed the other night. It was such a lonely, tragic, desperate, pathetic thing

to do. I'm going to take a guess and say it was you. Yeah, it was, yeah. Yeah, there we go. Good. Go on. Do I win a prize or is it just the ongoing realisation that we're both doomed? I'll send you nappies polties. Right, good. Nappies polties. Right, okay, well, since you're gone, I'll just

carry on for the listeners at home. Yeah, please carry on, Claire. The article begins with a quote. The wrong flavoured crisps can cause a ripple effect throughout the whole of world history. That's Mark Garrett, senior political lecturer at the University of Lancaster on a mystery that's been circling for some time. A mystery I stumbled upon one night in the pub. I was tucking into a bag of Walker's salt and vinegar crisps,

ripped at the seam and spread invitingly over the table when I lamented that Walker's... Hippie style, I think Partridge called it. Oh, right. When I lamented that Walker's had switched the colour of salt and vinegar and cheese and onion packets from blue to green and green to blue, respectively. Common knowledge, I thought, but my friend was adamant that they'd always been this way around. I whipped out my phone only to be gaslighted by the FAQ section of the Walker's website.

Walkers are lying. Yeah. Well, this is what the Walker's website says. Question. Why did you change your packaging for salt and vinegar and cheese and onion so they're the wrong colours? Answer. Contrary to popular belief, Walker's cheese and onion have always been in blue packets and salt and vinegar have always been in green packets. And we don't have a plan to change this as it's a signature to our brand. No, no, no, no, no. Right. You've got a point you want to bring up.

no no no no no right you've got a point you want to bring up that's not true and you know what i say walkers lie and and i'll be honest i don't know i'll give you an example paul of a company an example of a company doing exactly this right but with a bit more extreme coca-cola it's historical fact that coca-cola had cocaine in it when it was started. They deny that. So that's exactly like this. That is a lie. And also, release the cheese moment cut as well, Walkers, yeah? Hashtag release the cheese moment cut.

Yes. Between us, we need to solve every crisp mystery in the world. This is... A crisp-mury. A crisp-tury. A crisp-mury. A crisp-tury. A crisp-mury. A crisp-misty. Just say nappies poultly and skid it over with, mate.

Nappies poultlessly. Before I forget as well, someone was listening to a QI podcast and they mentioned a shredded potato poultice. Yeah, I saw that. Yeah, it's good poultice, that. Yeah. Good poultice. It would be. So here's where the article continues. No, Paul, let me just say one thing. What? On the poultice. Yeah, I saw that. Yeah, it's good poultice, that. Good poultice. It would be. So here's where the

article continues. No, Paul, let me just say one thing on the poultice. Imagine, yeah, imagine the consistency of shredded potato, yeah? And imagine how compressible that is. Damp and sort of compressible.

Like a hash brown. Yeah. Like a hash brown. Yeah. You could thwack that up if it had nice containment. Straight up. Thwack that poultice straight up. You know what would make my day, mate?

What? If I got a hot hash brown poultice right in the clinger. Yeah. You know what I mean? I love all this poultice talk mate i'm not even joking i'm not even putting this on just for the podcast i actually love the poultice talk all right okay well right no continue here we go the article continues i had no idea says the journalist sitting in that sweaty fuller's,

licking additive lace vinegar off my fingertips, that I had just stumbled on what could be the biggest corporate stitch-up since the Enron scandal. Oh, and look at me. Get on with it, man. I know it's a tongue-in-cheek article, but fucking hell. Fucking hell. Get to the meat and bones of this fucking, you know? Anyway, continue, please.

That's the problem with vice articles. They're not about the story. They're about the cunt telling the story. I know, and sometimes that's okay, because it is actually quite amusing. But sometimes it's like this, and it's just an annoying tone, do you know what I mean, that he has. It felt baffling to have my personal account of history denied, so I decided to investigate

via the media with making a podcast about it. Course you did. And, to kick things off, track down Gary Lineker, long-time Yeah, so do I. He's been bought off. They're all in Walker's pocket. No, he does remember a switch. He's been bought off by Golden Wonder. He's taking Golden Wonder money on the side.

He's on the side you've got you've got to think about this logically right who benefits by denying that they used to be the other way around only walkers do and and there's a little clue in what he found that journalist found on the website because it said um traditional it's always been the same you know as if they as if they're trying to they're trying to build a brand thing where we've always been here. But they weren't always here. Like you say, Golden Wonders were here. And then they were the new kid on the block.

And Walker's had green packets for cheese and onion, just like Golden Wonder did. I don't know. First, I'm sure. I don't know. Anyway, Gary Lineker goes on to say this. Oh, by the way, for people in other countries who listen to this podcast, Gary Lineker is a football or soccer player who became a TV sports pundit and a national treasure. Everyone loves Gary Lineker, doesn't they?

He was famous for being a footballer, and then he was famous for crisp adverts, and now he's famous for calling wankers out on Twitter, isn't he? Right, he says this. Oh, long, long, long ago, he recalled. I don't know, before it started, so over 25 years ago. I asked him why they made the switch. I think it might have been when Pepsi bought them.

So about 89-ish, Gary said, maybe. I don't know. This all chimes with me. This chimes with me. This chimes with me. It's true. Gary speaks the truth to power. When I told him Walker's denial ever happened,

he was unequivocal. No, they don't. Everyone knows it happened. Paul, can I ask you personally? Yeah. Do you remember Walker's crisp being the other way around, the colours? Here's the thing

I don't remember at all and there's one reason why our family was a big Golden Wonders Crisps kind of family so I only ever knew

the right way yeah but there must have been a point where you made the switch because yeah but that switch is probably too late for me to question

whether the colour had been changed so by the time I became aware properly of Walker's and Pringles they were the way they are now it aware properly of walkers and players, it was too late. They'd played their hand. I was too late for this conspiracy.

I am outraged. I'm with Lineker on this. I suppose at this point, I should say thank you to Vice.com for letting us just read this and make content out of it. But fuck me, if this bellend's going to make a podcast based on crisps, you need to know that we're the original crisp podcast.

Absolutely. And we're the only one who have a scientific system whereby we rank crisps rationally and objectively with the League of Slacks. And we care. And we care about it. We care about it. We don't just care because you had a pub conversation one day

and you thought, oh, it's Walker's blue and not green or green or not blue does he sound like that you know what i mean i don't know he does in my head now paul whilst we're on this subject could i just say a little something about the uh the league of snack and crisps go on i've noticed that uh mr biffo has been doing some crisp tasting on his channel, and he has come up with something which I think is a very, very clever and innovative way to rate crisps that we didn't think of, and that is accuracy, i.e. how much does the crisp taste like the ingredient it's supposed to be representing in its flavour?

Can we nick that, please? Yeah. We're going to nick it right now. Right. We're going to nick it right now. And also, I'm going to, when I'm next at Biffo's, I'm going to go on his laptop and just delete that video. Right? And then I'm going to take us talking about accuracy and add it to, like, episode 14 or something.

Ooh. Retcon the past. Drop it in. Drop it in. Re-evaluate people's memory of our podcast. And then it'll be us. Yeah, and then it'll be us. And then everyone will say Biffo ripped us off. Yeah. Not us ripping

him off. Yeah. So Biffo, if you're listening, that's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna come to your house and then I'm gonna delete your videos and then I'm going to delete your videos and then I'm going to edit my podcast to put references that we'll record now into much earlier episodes. And you know what? Do you know what?

I'll do it because I'm in lockdown. I've got fucking nothing else to do but that. But Paul, in all seriousness, we should try and co-opt. Accuracy is a good call. Yeah. I was a bit angry actually when I noticed that. I was like, that's fucking good. You know, our innovation has

been nostalgia value, but accuracy is also very good. So it would just add... I think we should go through the crisps we've ragged already. And add an accuracy score. Yeah, we'll have to. Yeah, we're going to have to. So I'll have to revise that at some point.

So there's content. Excellent work. Right, here we go. The article continues, aside from the weirdness of the face of walkers contravening the corporate line, Gary's suggestion to Google it doesn't help much either. The search engine doesn't offer any picture evidence

of the original colour of crisp packets. Not one old photograph of some 80s kid in prescription aviators clutching a bag of walk's green cheese and onion. No ancient blue salt and vinegar packets knocking about on eBay. Not a single retro Walker's ad on YouTube that betrays a colour inverted past. But could this be, hypothetically at least, be due to the search engines being able to be deliberately wiped? How certain can we be that Google isn't in the pocket of Big Crisp?

Read it. I want to hear the whole thing, please. So he talks about how Google could be in the pocket of that, and that's just a waste. I honestly think that's a waste of me reading it out, because it's him filling a word count, I think. Okay, fine. Bloody hell. Our spokesman for Google is quick to pour water on our implication. Our search results are a reflection of what's on the internet.

We only remove results under very limited circumstances, such as when requested by law. So they can't just go in there and change history for shits and giggles. There's a Scottish football site called pieandbovril.com. I swear. I'll do a Scottish accent. I swear that they were the other way around when I was a ween, says Yusef. Big

fat tabby Dave. While blue 287 disperse. I cannae even trust my memories no more. There are testaments that have been popping around the world. Like a shopkeeper who had been selling walkers for over

20 years and was offense in Brixton. I definitely know that the colours have changed. The green pack has always been cheese and onion. Despite these recollections, all the popular belief is crushed underfoot on the Walkers FAQ. And then it mentions the Berenstain, Berenstein, there's the Mandela effect, which is utter wank. It's just wank.

Do you know what, Paul? Talk about that for a bit. there's the Mandela effect, which is utter wank. It's just wah, ah, ah, oh, oh, oh. Do you know what, Paul? Talk about that for a bit. Can I just say, I've also recognised the Mandela effect as being wank and the Berenstain Bears thing as being wank. But this is the first thing where I'm on the other side of the looking glass on this one now. You know what I mean? I remember they made the switch

in 89 i remember they did i remember it all right well let's see where the article goes okay conspiracy theories aside there's a specific walkers advert that multiple people i speak to remember in startling detail in which football teams swapped blue and green shirts to mark the packet switching colours. There was one which was switched, recalls Malcolm Green, the ad man who made the first Gary Lineker walkers commercial and the other walkers commercial campaigns in the 90s. I can't remember. Yeah, I think the flavours were switched. Everyone knew that green was cheese and onion

and blue was salt and vinegar, so I think we kind of switched the colours and it was all about that But I just, god, I just can't remember It's all so long ago He's suspicious Why is he called Mr Green? Oh mate

Why is he called Mr Green? Do you think some of these people they're talking to are like Disinformation people, like they want to keep the mystery there Because it keeps people talking about walkers So it's like, we will pay you $500 to talk about the switch and confiscate

the facts. Alright, comrade? Why are they Russian, though? Because it's a Russian conspiracy, mate. Wake up! And why are they only offering $500? I'd laugh. I wouldn't believe that they were really Russians. Well, we can now talk about negotiation, my friend.

Okay, I want $500,000. $500,000. It's only crisps, mate. Fuck off. Right. Okay, so the advert rings a bell for Larry Viner, who heads up the advertising archives. Alarm bells, he says, because I regularly get emails from people asking me very specifically about this thing.

And I've never been able to track down an advert that confirms the urban myth that is still circulating. Christ. Which doesn't mean it didn't happen or that it doesn't exist, but I've not been able to track it down. Wow. And then when they asked PepsiCo spokesperson who own Lay's, who own Walker's, they said, no, we've always done blue packets for cheese and onion and salt and vinegar have always been green.

In 2014, a YouGov survey found that 48% of the UK respondents thought salt and vinegar packets should be blue and 32% green. The cheese and onion, the results were 44% for green, 30% for blue and 10% for blue, and 10% for yellow. Who's fucking voting yellow? For what, cheese and onion? Yeah.

I can see that. It's the cheese. Cheese alone. Cheese alone. But when you add the onion, you've either got to make it opaque or you add in the fucking green. Have you ever... I once vomited a whole packet of...

Do you remember they used to do spring onion flavoured hula hoops? Do you remember those? I do. Yeah, they were kind of horrible, I remember. They were moorish, but then, yeah, sickly almost after a while. And I'd had a bit too much to drink, and I thought I was in the loo, but I was vomiting a whole packet of crisps up into a cupboard.

I once ate so many bacon flavoured cheddars that I was sick in the back of a car and I didn't know what to do. So I pulled my pants open and was sick down my front pants. Whoa. I was wearing tracksuit bottoms. It was very elastic-y, so I just was sick on my cock. To be fair, I think that's all my interesting sick stories out of the way though. Wow. I really didn't think there was anything in your cupboard that would come out.

But it was the whole Turkish delight vomiting incident. And now this. That is classic, Paul. Top marks. Thank you. An accompanying article with the yougov survey also noted that the color of almost every large crisp manufacturer's packets beside walkers is in line with public preference so that goes some way to explain the near universal belief

in the switch either way we're still left with some difficult questions if the switch happened why would walkers cover it up and And most importantly, who should you believe? The established narrative or the alternate one? Who do you trust? Big Brand, Illuminati, Gary Lineker, British Public? Their memories or your own? So what do you think? This has actually made me question my memories.

Like no other Mandela thing. I remember, you know, mandela being released from prison i remember watching that and i the berenstein bears i never you know that was never an occultural kind of purview well no i used to have them read to me as a child those books so oh yeah it would make sense to you having american background yeah yeah um but this i do distinctly remember them swapping now you see i don't but again, you see, I don't. But again, I just, I don't know, maybe I just didn't care. Because again, I think a lot of the crisps we were eating were just the usual way.

Now I'm thinking about it. Maybe, maybe it's just that everyone is... Because Golden Wonder was so dominant. Yeah. And then Walkers sort of took over. Yeah. Yeah. And Walkers were the opposite way round.

No one's arguing about Golden Wonder. Golden Wonder, the blue packets were salt and vinegar and the green packets were cheese and onion, yeah? Yeah, as it should be. But maybe we just saw that the main kind of crisp, the sort of background crisp, the standard, the basement level crisp, changed. Do you see what I mean? it changed and we didn't really and we misremembered that it was actually a different brand do you see

what i mean they swapped round maybe that's what i'm thinking that's what i'm thinking now because he's right there's no reason there's no reason for walkers to lie about it there's no no it'd be pointless why would they go for the effort? Why? I mean, earlier in this conversation, I thought maybe they were trying to say, we've always been here, you know, and we've always been the same. It almost suggests that they're saying because we're the biggest, everyone should do what we do

and follow the colour code we follow. Yeah. Everyone else is wrong. We're the trendsetters and we're mixing it up because they're fucking crisp edgelords. Yeah, they are crisp edgelords. Well, they do some great work, though, don't they? Hello, my name's crisp edgelord and I'm going to say the word Nazi. Oh, look at me getting banned on Twitter.

Now, Mr. Edgelord. Yes. Thank you for coming on the show today. Big balls. And you've written an essay. I don't think girls should play video games, you know. I don't think they should. No, no.

But you've written an essay on that subject. What's the title of your essay, please? It's called Girls Don't Touch My Stuff. Okay. Thank you, Mr. Edgelord. We'll let you know. I am a Nazi. I'm not really.

Oh, God, it's just a joke. Can't you get it? Oh, God. Mr. Edgelord, thank you. We'll get back to you and let you know if you can become a permanent character on Cheap Show. I'm going to go watch some child porn. Not really.

God, can't you even take a joke? Oh, God. All right. Just let yourself out. Thank you. Bye. No, Paul, I thought that was a good one. In conclusion, that character actually had a lot more content than a lot of things.

Well, he is an edgelord, isn't he? So, my thoughts on this are, I think walkers have always done this. I just think because we're so used to the norm being blue for salt and vinegar, green for cheese and onion, etc, etc, that we just can't

conflate that information. So we just presume they're wrong and that they change at some point to be crisp edgelords. Yeah, that's what I'm getting at. That's what I'm getting at. I think it's just so bizarre though, because it was one of those pieces of information that it is. It's like an urban legend, isn't it?

And we've just been telling it to each other for years and years and years. It's bizarre. And the lie has to stop. The lie has to stop. And we're the podcast to do it. Release the cheese moments. Release the cheese moments cut. Get that trending on Twitter.

You're not doing anything. If you're trending on Twitter. You're not doing anything. If you're listening to this, you're not doing anything. Just randomly copy in walkers on Twitter and just say hashtag release. What did you say? The cheese moments cut. Cheese moments. Release the cheese moments cut. That's our vendetta.

Let's start a fucking podcast about that. Yeah, we haven't got enough. We need an interview with Gary Lineker. We'll figure it out. We'll figure it out, mate. We'll make a podcast called, I don't know, what should we call it? The Cheese Moments Mystery, or the Great Cheese Moment Mystery. Yeah, that's good.

I like it. Parentheses, what happened to the triumvirate of snacks? Yeah. What was the guy in that article called who had a funny name? Something Surf? Augustine Surf. What a funny name something surf Augustine Surf what a silly name is that it you're just going

to attack their name for no reason well it's like being called you know Rodan Skateboard I would fucking love to be called Rodan Skateboard

you have no idea or being called St Patrick Wind Sail not as impressed with that one or being called I don't know

Pilot Plane Wing or being any more with that one. Or being called, I don't know, Pilot Plane Wink. Any more before I press stop? Or being called Rando... Go on. I've got it, mate. Rando McFactor. Nah. Here's my one. What? Raphael Bumlord. Yeah, the good Bumlord

got it in there, yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely top-notch stuff. Thank you. Welcome back to Cheap Show. I'm Paul Gannon. It's Eli Silverman. Welcome back. And we're going to attempt something we've never done on this podcast before.

It's a remote price of shite challenge. Remote shite the price of remote shite uh paul by the way by the way mate yeah you i yeah you left that fucking game controller multi-tool in my room and you've positioned it and i'm not happy okay i don't want it in here and i want you to take it, and there's several board games, yeah? Yeah. But there'll never be three of them now, because everyone's in lockdown. Yeah, so you're just going to have to shut up and put up with it for a little bit longer,

you whinging, hairy man baby. Just get on with it. Right, fuck you. Right, a few weeks ago, before the lockdown happened, I went to Biffo, and he gave me a big pile of P.O. Box stuff. So if you set a P.O. Box in, I do currently still have a great big fucking stack of them in the corner of my living room. So thank you very much for that. And we will get to them eventually.

But as it stands, Eli, if we were to go ahead in this format using those boxes, I'd just be eating stuff as you listen to it. I don't want to listen to you eating, then. There's one thing I don't want to do. It's that. No, no. But there are some things in here that I think you will absolutely enjoy. And funnily enough, on reflection, there's a big bag of cheddars with different flavours in.

It's bacon ones in there. Yeah, well, I'll be looking forward to being sick on my dick once more. Do you think the bacon ones will set you off? I don't know. It was a long time ago. I remember being in the car. It was probably more travel sickness than anything else. Yeah, but you still can't eat white chocolate, can you? No, because that

was purposefully bad. This was just like one or two bags in a row. That was like four white chocolate eggs and white chocolate bars. And it's just, oh God, even just thinking about it now, I'm feeling fucking ropey. I really am. Yeah.

Love it. Love it. So we have a big pile of PO boxes, and this price of shite is taken from one of those boxes. So I want to say thank you to, I hope I say this right, Binyamin. B-I-N-Y-A-M-I-N.

Binyamin. He sent a box with some bits in it. Does he have a second name? No. All right. Because the first line of the letter that comes with the box says, Hello, cheap show lads. My name is Binyamin.

Okay. Hello, Binyamin. Hello, Binyamin. Hello. It's a real paper, ladies and gentlemen. I'm rustling it this is a Real thing that's been sent to us he Says I've been listening to I've

Been listening to cheap show since episode 10 And I'm a loyal patron cheapskate Thank you very much Binuman thank you If you want to be a patron cheapskate Go to patreon.com Forward slash cheap show Thanks for all the laughs over the years It's been great to see you guys grow

Although you totally deserve more listeners Yes Binuman, we fucking do I'm a stand-up comedian who's on lockdown And has run out of live gigs I know, I'm going to fucking start a podcast That as soon as my live gigs come back I'll fucking ditch it hotter than fucking Cheddar-y sick down a child's pants

That fucking pissed me off You worked it in quite well there. It does piss me off. The cheddar, bacon cheddar puke on the knobble. Yeah. Cheddary knobbly puke.

Anyway, please, Eli, could you finally drop the full Bee Molest song? What's the Bee Molest song? Bee Molest. Did you molest a bee or something

in some passing moment? I must have done a song because there was that little period when I was into doing bees. Remember? Maybe. Have you moved on from that now? Don't you remember? I go round the back and you lift the stinger up. Ever since we went weekly, I've been washing my brain of every episode the minute it's published.

Come on. Gets dumped in my cachet recycling bin in my brain. Come on Gets dumped in my Cachet recycling bin In my brain I think Benjamin has A great idea

And we should revive My bee fucking antics Great Well you crack on with that Because that's the content For next week then Mate I've already started

I've already started I've got a drawer of bees here They're dead Dead prop bees For me to fuck Right great Let's just move on The stingers are neutralised

The stingers are neutralised Yeah The stingers are neutralised. The stingers just tickle. They don't sting. Right. Anything else you want to add? Maybe you like it when you get pollen on your dick end. I like the smell of pollen on my dick end. Pollen on my meters. The book by Eli Silverman. Two meters apart.

That's why I've been walking so close to people Two metres is not two metres Is it? Sorry, continue Benjamin sends a lovely Little box of things in, now he sent food And I'm just going to tease you because when we finally Get together, you'll be testing

This stuff out, so he's got Buffalo hot wing crisps Oh yeah, oh yeah. He's got two Japanese juice drinks, orange and grape. Mmm, delicious. But he's also got a family of pickles. Dill, spicy, and grande.

And mate, right, listen, hang on. Woof, woof, woof, woof. I've got them in my hand now. Woof, woof, woof. It's one called Big Daddy Stank Mate, these, there's By a company called Van Holten

And this one in my hand is Big Papa The Hearty Dill Pickle Or the Portly Pickle And mate, that's a proper Girth cock in my hand that is So how are you holding the actual pickle? Isn't it in a jar? It's in a kind of a plastic bag thing with juice around it.

Oh, mate, it's just individually packed single pickle called the Big Papa. Yeah, and it's a huge pickle with proper girth on it. Yeah, you get those big ones out in the States. It's making me quite envious looking at the shape and throbbage of it. Anyway, so there's that one. There's also Hot Mama, which is a hot and spicy pickle. One sassy

pickle. There's a family theme to these pickles. Yeah, and again, it's another big, thick, throbbing, lovely, big, rich, big, dill pickle in me. Okay, alright. And then finally, finally, there's Sour Sis cis tart and tangy pickle.

They are a family of pickles, and I'm wet in my mind, Fanny. Mate, when you get hold of these, you'll be conflicted for days. You won't know whether to eat it, fuck it, or sleep with it. My flavour womb is leaving a snail trail. Your pickle meters is seeping. Yeah. I've got terrible leaky Ken syndrome of my pickle meters.

We've all had a case of pickle drip in our time, mate. Do you know what? They could have called it Big Papa Stank. That's what you told me last week it was called. But, you know. I can't remember what I tell you. So anyway, he's also sent three items, right? And I've got them here.

Brilliant. So you can play, I have sent you images of each one of these items via the gift of the internet. Paul, I have the items here photographed and ready to look at when you bring each item up. Okay? Now, he has also sent the answers on a separate piece of paper so I could play along too because I actually haven't looked at these.

And I'm supposed to just believe you, am I? Well, in that case, for the sake of fairness I won't play because no matter how this will roll out, you'll have a fucking little paddy on. That's right, so yeah don't even try it. Oh, we could, theory uh just play where i just cheat and don't tell anyone and a metaculous uh you know fucking i don't i've lost the will to

live sorry what are you talking about what's going on with you yeah paul um thing is i haven't been sleeping very well and um it's sweaty i looked in this package and there was no tiny violin for me to fucking use unfortunately sorry mate well perhaps there's some other kind of useless tired trope that comes from a fucking punt and dennis sketch from fucking 87 i don't know oh shut up now let's just imagine someone is In quarantine or whatever And so they've decided to take up podcast listening And they haven't heard Cheap Show before

Give them a little explanation And perhaps the jingle Paul Before we go into the full game Here we go with the jingle ladies and gentlemen And it begins like this It's the fucking price of shit It's the fucking price of shit ladies and gentlemen, and it begins like this. It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite.

It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. And that's right. Yeah, that'll do. And that's the jingle. It's ever-changing. It's fluid. It's fluid.

And how is the game played? Basically, there are a number of items, in this case three, which have been bought from a charity shop that have a price. And all you've got to do is guess each priced item. They're usually quite cheap, and the scoring goes like this. If you're bang on the money with the price, you get two points. Or as we call them, If you're within 25p, higher or lower than the actual price,

we'll give you one point. And that sounds like this per twing and then if you get them in the right order from cheapest to most expensive why you get the triple whammy per twing now Eli's playing it today and you've been doing alright in general

you know you've been slowly working up to a you know what I'm been slowly working up to a... You know what? I'm drinking during this podcast as well. What? I'll tell you that. What? I've had one mojito, mi-he-to, and one waffle-dirk since we've done that.

I've only had two mojitais. Do you know what, Paul? I haven't had a drink for the longest period of time, probably since 15 years ago or longer. Mate, this is a podcast, not an AA meeting. I don't know what you want from me. It's bizarre, though, isn't it? Because I only ever drink when I'm working or socially,

and I just haven't been doing either of those things at all, so I just haven't drunk a single drop. It's not the end of the world for you, mate, is it, really, to quit drinking for a bit? No, it's good, yeah, but isn't it strange? Yeah. You's not the end of the world for you, mate, is it, really? No. To quit drinking for a bit? It's good, yeah. But isn't it strange? Yeah. You're still pounding the weed, though, right?

Yeah. Yeah, here we go. So let's play the game. Right. There are three items in this collection. I've sent Eli pictures of all three. I'm just going to go with whatever picture Eli goes with first, and I'll maybe give him a bit more detail

if he wants to ask a bit more based on his visual interpretation of the picture. So what, I'll just open it and look at all of them and describe them, yeah? Shall I? Is that the way we should do it? We'll do one at a time, so yeah, just open the picture and then tell me what you see and I'll tell you a bit more about it if I can.

So, the first item I'm looking at Paul, is... Oh, this is very nice. It's a high-speed racing car and it looks like it's a sort of cardboard model of a racing car in a blister pack on a card, mint on card. It is mint. I can safely say this is mint. Well, the card looks a bit...

Actually, from the photograph, the card looks a bit smashed on the corners, which could have happened in the... It could have been mint when it got in the box and it was sent to our PO box. Well, there is a problem. There's meant to be four wheels in this, and there are how many? One.

I can only see one. So three have escaped somehow. Ah, that's a shame. Or rather, just didn't get put in. Because, like, you know it's got a plastic seal it is stapled in so for some reason somehow three wheels weren't packed with this fucking toy when they released it weird have you tried to assemble it no not at all i'm looking at the picture now paul and i can see the spaces in the corners where the other wheels would have been the round

do you see what i mean yeah yeah it's also got one of those little engines you know where you you can rev it up and then let go and it drives for a bit by itself it's got one of those segments you can stick on like dada car engines yeah made in china i sent you a picture of the front and back so on the back you can see how it all assembles it's three reasonably thick pieces of card design on that you pop out and then you stick the wheels and engine on yeah so uh it's a bit like a card version of those what those model kits yeah i remember those like in the in the 80s you got those kind of foamy gliders that you slid the wings through and you could throw it's like that isn't it but it's also what are the plastic ones like train set models professional they all come

in those lattices yeah yeah yeah they? Yeah. Is this modular? No. It's not modular. No, where's the other module? Just assembly, isn't it? Yeah. Back in the day, though, those little foam things you got in a paper packet

that you tore and turned into an aeroplane, the one I had that I remember was a Danger Mouse one. You know, the Danger Mouse car would fly. Yeah. There was one of those I could get. So I remember having one of those, and I was quite fond of it. But that's since been lost to time. So that's your first item, Mr. Silverman.

Okay. Is there anything you'd like to know that I can maybe help you with? Did he say, did Biniamin tell us where these were purchased in terms of what charity shops? Because that sometimes can give us a little clue. Purchased from Sussex Beacon in Brighton. I don't know if that's the name of a shop or the area no that would be the beacon it's a charity so they're all bought from there okay

so that doesn't help me at all because they're all from the same shop so i can't um yeah um i'm thinking that's uh it's around the quid mark but you know what you could say that from almost every item we've ever had on this section. That is true. It's meaningless to say that, really. But let's just go on to the next one, if we can, now. You don't want to take a guess right now, or you want to wait until you've seen all three? A quid is my guess. All right, I'll make a note of that.

Next on the docket is what, Mr. Silverman? No, but can I ask? I am allowed to change that price. Come back. Yes, of course. That's the first guess, okay. What is revealed to me here, Paul, is a bottle topper puzzle. Place this on top of a bottle, set the combination,

and see if your friends can crack the code to get to their favourite drink. And then be ostracised by your friends for being a twat with their beer. Yeah, I would be so pissed off if I went to a party and it was like, hey, do you want a drink? Yeah, mate, I've had such a fucking day, I'd love a drink. Solve a code. Oh, trick-a-me-do, trick-a-me-do. I fucking, I'll open it over the back

of your fucking school, you cunt. Yeah, then I'll glass you in the stomach. Yeah, and then I'll shit in your mouth. Oh, fucking hell, fool. Right. Solve that puzzle, you cunt. and then I'll shit in your mouth. You're a fucking asshole. Right. Solve that puzzle, you cunt. The puzzle of how did shit get in your gob. There is no mystery.

You harassed me to the ground and then held me down, valumed me, and then shat in my mouth. Parted and... The phrase is, I parted and popped. And what's more, I paid for it. Yeah, and I got an A.

This is a, it's not a real puzzle, is it? No, it is. I'll tell you a bit more because it's hard to see because I did take two pictures. One of them is out of the box. I'll just look at the one a bit out of the box now. Hang on. Yeah, and it's a wooden thing.

I can see, it's quite big isn't it it is quite big oh it's about the size of like a i don't know like a little jewelry box okay so on one side you've got these um it's wooden we should say you know what you get it's got a wooden finish it's all wood it's got it's all wood it resembles a children's toy a bit doesn't it it resembles a wooden children's toy. Yeah. It's called a combination lock. Yes. You've got those little dials and you've got to move them around. That's it.

So it's got a wooden combination lock in the side. And the idea is you rotate these little dials to get the right code. And then that releases the thing like a key from the side. And then at the very bottom, there's a hole where the wine bottle top goes. And that's where you place it over, screw it in. So when you unsolve it, you can take the key out and unscrew the bottle from the wooden block. But that's not actually a puzzle. It's just a lock.

Well, no, it's not a puzzle, unless every lock ever made can be called a puzzle. No, it can't be called a puzzle. A puzzle is something you work out the solution to. There's no way of working out the solution except by going through every combination. That's not true that's not a game that's not fun you know that's something you get well you know it's this is a terrible item on three of the dials there are letters and on two of the dials there are numbers yes i can see one two three four five six seven eight and then right so the thing is, is that theoretically, theoretically, Mr Silverman, you could solve this

because when you put the dial in a certain way, it spells something. Ah. And that releases the bottle. Ah, I see. Obviously swapping out numbers for letters. So, for example, a four could be an A, or a one could be an I.

Yes. With that in mind, what do you think the code would be? What? Wines. No. Wanks. No, unless you put one on the top of your cock and you weren't allowed to touch it until you solved the code.

Waits. Waits. You need to wait to drink, so it's wait. Think about what alcohol makes you feel. Wankered. What? No, wank. Stop thinking about wanking. I'm not thinking about it enough. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you the combination.

I'll just read it out to you, and you tell me what this says, right? So it's T1P5Y. Tipsy. Tipsy is how you solve it. Then you can pull a little wooden key out of the side. Right. Like a lock and then that reveals your wine. So that's the second item.

That is an odious piece of tat. Terrible. I kind of get it but at the same time who is it for? Would you support that? Would you support that on a Kickstarter? That is just ridiculous. It's not amusing. If it was

like a thing where you put a lock on a wine bottle, but if you put a bunch of ten pence pieces in, after a while it opens up, so it encourages you to maybe save some money as well as blah blah blah. That's cute. That's an idea. It's better than this. Yeah, everything's better than this, and I

think it was probably more expensive than the last item. So I'm going to make... I will say this considerably. Considerably more expensive. Okay. Yes. So I'd say I might revise the other item down, but just as a first guess, Paul, for the bottle topper

puzzle, I'm going to say £2.50. Okay. £2.50. Right. Are we going to look at our final item now? Final item now, Mr Silverman. Go ahead and reveal the picture. Now, this is an item that I do like. It's my favourite item of the three so far, Paul, by a country mile. It seems to be a little dinosaur, stroke dragon, stroke Godzilla key ring

with a torch in its mouth would you like me to see what happens when i so when you press the button obviously an led light comes on but also when i press the button it does this listen can you hear that i certainly can it sounded like a little godzilla roar that is god that does sound like godzilla doesn't it they've taken the godzilla roar that is god that does sound like godzilla doesn't it they've taken the godzilla yeah i'm looking at the other photo uh it's a disappointingly terrible paint job on this as well it's not even much of a paint job it's all green apart from one slightly lighter green on its belly yeah but the way that slightly lighter green has

been applied is terrible doesn't come to the edges properly do you see what i mean yeah yeah yeah yeah terrible but that's still fun there you go it goes yeah lots of fun especially in the dark you're looking for your keys you're frightened you you don't know where you are you look in your bag you get your little thing out and anyone stalking you can hear this and they'll run away they will not run away they'll run away they won't run away. You could maybe just smash them in the face with it. So, Godzilla, Godzilla, keep the energy going. Keep the energy going.

Keep the energy going. Godzilla. How much do you think that is then? It's a simple little thing. It's about the size of a small key chain. So it fits in the palm of your hand quite nicely. Not as nicely as that dill pickle, God. Oh, I can feel it in my palm right now.

Just stop. You're not allowed to get sex gratification from pickles on this show. Dill pickle? Dill dough pickle, more like. Now, that's an idea for another product. Dill dough pickle? Yeah. Use it, fuck it, eat it.

It's the all-in-one evening. I think that the Godzilla torch key ring is a quid. Do you want to revise? Yes. And are you going to give me, as is your want sometimes, a sort of top-level price that they didn't cost more than? No more than a fiver overall for all the things bought. I would like to say £1.25 for the Roaring Dinosaur Torch and Key Ring.

£1.25 for the Dinosaur Key Ring. I have noted that. Next is what? We have the... Bottle Top Puzzle. Bottle Top, a puzzle, wooden... And can I just say, my least favourite item of the three today.

Annoying piece of shit. It's lucky that it was in wood, so at least it's in wood, I guess. It's not some kind of plastic. That's true. At least it's in wood. I would say that's the most expensive item, and I'd go for £2.50 for that. £2.50 for that?

And then how much for the racing car, then? Now, I know I said £1 earlier. I'm going to revise that down and say 80p for the car. So. I can feel a distinct lack of petwinage incoming mate. Well I haven't seen the answers yet so I honestly don't know. So the order

that you want in then is race car dinosaur puzzle. For the three petwing. There you go. Bonus yeah. For the triple petwing bonus. Yes. I'd love to get that. I'm opening up the letter now Mr Silverman. I'm revealing the results as we go Right, the cheapest thing on the list The prices, the cheapest item

Was the Minton card racing car You said 80p Come on The answer is 50p Ooh Just outside the Between zone

Just outside Just you You bounced off The between A little bit I was five points Pants away from The between zone

Anyway The next most expensive item Don't Don't do this to me Is the roaring dinosaur Yes Yes I've got the three between bonus

You've got the We'll wait before the end before we can get you per-twings, but it's good to know you've at least got that. So, you said £1.25. I did. The answer was £85p for that. Again, I'm just five pence out

the per-twing zone, man. Yeah. Well, no, you were £30p out this time, yeah. I was only £30p out on the first one, £50.80 as well. Oh, that's a good point. Oh, yeah, good point 30p out this time, yeah. I was only 30p out on the first one, 50-80 as well. Oh, that's a good point. Oh, yeah, good point. Oh, spooky. Yeah.

And then you said, bottle top puzzle, you said £2.50. The answer is £3 on the nose. So, although you did not get petwings on the price, you did get the triple petwing bonus. So I'm going to give you that now ladies and gentlemen here it goes petwing

petwing petwing yes thank you very much it's a nice feeling to get the and it's a lot more petwings than I normally get

yeah and you were a couple of pence away from having what six points overall but three is still respectable very respectable petwing count there

yeah I'm glad I'd just like to thank everyone how did you feel the price of remote shite went that was actually a lot of fun is still respectable. Very respectable for twink out there. Yeah, I'm glad. I'd just like to thank everyone. How did you feel the price of remote shite went? That was actually a lot of fun. I liked it. Well, I'll keep hold of the little dinosaur for you.

All right, thanks, mate. Yeah. And everything else is going right up my arsehole. All right. With that dill pickle as a lovely little butt plug to seal the deal.

No, it's not. Don't... I won't eat pickles that have been in you, by the way. Well, how do you know you haven't already? I don't know that for sure, Paul. I don't eat pickles that have been in you, by the way. Well, how do you know you haven't already? I don't know that for sure, Paul. I don't know that.

Exactly. Captain Dildo Pickle. He's from space. He's got dildo space rockets and a funny... No. This lockdown. I know. It affected my energy levels. I'm in a sweaty I'm in a sweaty nustle nest

here on my bed I'm a sweaty nustle nestage bed and I've got fucking do you know what I bought? I bought a Mexican tamarindo tamarind lollipop thing oh you boring arsehole.

Shut up. I'm going to have some now. Not interested in your Mexican lolly. Ooh. Wow. Ooh. You'd hate this. So what now?

I have to hear you suck things and go ooh in my ear now for a little while, do I? Ooh, that's spicy tamarindo. Ooh. Right, good. That's really hot. Ooh. It's quite nice, actually. Ooh. Ooh, Eli. Ooh, it's really hot It's quite nice actually Oh, Eli, it's really hot

You know what I'm doing? Oh, Eli, guess what I'm doing You're putting that pickle in your bum hole Right up me arsehole, mate I put lovely sis in Just save the sis for me Alright, well thank you to Binjaman For the lovely price of shite

And we'll be eating your cheap eats at a later date What? Uh Uh Uh What the Right let's just wrap this up then Yeah let's wrap it up

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SK8, is the Twitter account run by Rhiannon. Check that out. All information will also be in the metadata for this episode. If you've listened to it on a podcast app, read down. All the links will be there for you. Paul? Yes, dear?

Could I just say two things? Yes. One, very hard nusslage. Very hard. Yes. Very hard, very compact. Firm nusslage. It's compact.

Compact and firm. Just a bit of give. Is it like Astselage. It's compact. Compact and firm. Just a bit of give. Is it like AstroTurf? No, I'm done with that. I'm done with that now. All right. I'm done with that. And the second thing I want to say, it's more of a question really.

Are we allowed to vote for ourselves? For ourselves? Yes. I have already voted for all the things that make me look good. So therefore, I will win. Okay. And we'll be doing the awards live on YouTube in June. It'll be a star-studded event,

a two-hour live Cheap Show award show, so support it. Nominate. She's already had a ton of people reply and nominate, so why not, if you're listening, go over to our website or our Twitter, at the Cheap Show pod, and nominate there. There's going to be links, yo.

Yeah. What else have I got to do? Email us about anything, thecheapshow at gmail.com and we'll read it out. I've got nothing fucking else to do. Also, I've had an idea. Ah. You know they've cancelled Eurovision? I know they've cancelled Eurovision.

Although we're not really a Eurovision podcast, how about we do the Cheap Show Eurovision. I know, they've cancelled Eurovision. Although we're not really a Eurovision podcast, how about we do the Cheap Show Eurovision Song Contest, where we ask people who listen to send in songs and then we'll listen and then judge them harshly and cruelly. Yeah, I'd love that. And then we pick a winner. Yeah.

And we'll get Ash involved and then we can play a few of our favourite Euro pop hits in between them and stuff like that. Yeah. Lovely idea, Paul. I'm up for it. So if you're listening, and it doesn't matter if you're good at making music or not,

if you want to record like a minute tops a song that you think would be a Eurovision hit for Cheap Show, record it, send it, we'll compile them, and then we'll review them. We don't care how you do it, just don't, you know,

whack your dick on a fucking dick on a tin cup. I'd like that. I'd like that, actually, on reflection. If you send a video of yourself whacking into a cup and making beautiful music, then I would love to see it. Also, they know how to appeal to me as a judge, don't they? If the subject matter is, let's say, a certain type of pasta shape, say no more. No, it's like, n certain type of pasta shape. Say no more.

It's like nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Or sauce, or sauces. Well, if you want to win my heart, then you've got to make your song about Ghostbusters. God, I'm a boring man. Boring, boring man.

Or the Binding Advisor. I've got a book about ghost hunting and Ghostbusters. If you want to help support it, unbound.com forward slash books forward slash ghosts. What's your Twitter account? Eli Snoid, E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. Follow me there. I'm Paul Gannon, at Paul Gannon Show.

Follow me there. Also, The Cheap Show, at The Cheap Show Pod. Follow us there. And send nudes. I've been Follow us there. And send nudes. I've been saying that on Twitter. Send nudes. But not nudes. Noodles.

Send us your noodles. Send nudes. And your big odd dick or your big boobs. I'll have them as well, covered in noodles. What? I'm writing a book. And? Ask me.

I need more information. What's your book about, Eli? Noodles. No, no. It's not about noodles. It's not about noodles. It's called Escape From Abuse. My Life With Paul Gannon.

Oh, yeah? Do you want to know what I've got a book coming out? What? It's called Living With Monkeys. My Life Doing A Podcast With Eli Sillings. Well, you know what? I've got a book coming out. What? It's called Living With Monkeys. It's my life doing a podcast with Eli Silverman. Well, you know what? I've got a book coming out. It's called Cut, Paul, Cut.

Yeah? It's just that. I've got a book coming out. It's called Weepy, Drippy, Sad Dick. The Story of Eli Silverman. Well, I've got a book coming out. It's called Paul's Froth Cannon Came In My Mouth Hole. That sounds more like a Daily Star article.

Anyway. I've got a book coming out. I've got a book coming out. How to do card tricks with fat, stumpy hands by Eli Silverman. I've had enough of this, Paul. What? I don't fucking know, mate. How do we wrap this up?

We should have wrapped it up a good five or six years ago. We should. Right. Well, let's say goodbye for now and say goodbye to everyone who's listening We hope you're having fun And if you want to chat with us on Twitter And you're a bit bored you give us a shout Alright bye everyone Love ya

Bye Eli say bye bye Eli Bye everyone Bye Bye everyone Bye Bye Bye