CheapShow - Ep 174: Ruining Marion's Wish

Episode Date: April 18, 2020

This episode was seemingly cursed! Damaged audio files, lost footage, crashed hard drives, laptop meltdowns. It's almost as though this episode didn't want to exist. Well, it does and now you have to deal with it. We apologise in advance. This week, Ash Frith (irregular wayward co-host) joins Paul and Eli for more thifty findings and incredible edibles. Eli gets to wrap his taste buds across a selection of sauces, crisps and, most importantly, juicy fat pickles. At least he is enjoying himself as all Ash and Paul can do is listen on in horror. Finally, we end this week's episode with an experiment. The Cheap Chaps put on their acting hats and attempt a performance of a new piece of writing called "Marion's Wish" (written by Tim Heidecker, Gregg Turkington and Mark Proksch)... As you can imagine, between their unrehearsed attempt and Paul's fat, stupid mouth, it doesn't go well. In fact they pretty much ruin it. Sorry. And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-174-ruining-marions-wish With thanks to Tim Heidecker, Gregg Turkington and Mark Proksch for "allowing" us to preform Marion's Wish. If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! AWARDS: Vote Now @projectcheapsk8 www.tinyurl.com/cca2020vote MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Paul is writing a book! Want to help make it happen? https://unbound.com/books/ghosts/

Hello listener, this week's episode was plagued by bad luck, bad tech and bad language. Paul bit off more than he could chew this week, but it doesn't help if your co-host has set his levels way too high and your other guest forgot to record the main segment of the show, so had to cobble together a backup. Also, trying to do something simple like a radio play written by one of your most favorite comedy performers, should, in the future, be advised against. Especially when Paul can't act and Ash's audio is awful. Paul was this close to throwing the whole episode out. However, after all the pain he went through, he thinks you should suffer just as much. However, after all the pain he went through, he thinks you should suffer just as much.

I sound like Dame Judi Dench, don't I? But I am not. I am an emotionless bot. With all that said, we really hope you enjoy this week's episode of Cheap Show. Big willies. I am recording. I am recording. Eli, are you recording?

I'm just, yeah. Yes. Is it on the right setting? Your audacity's got your blue ball plugged in or whatever it's called? Yes, full blue balls in my audacity. Yes. And you're recording now and everything's fine? I'm recording now. I've done a test and stuff, mate.

I've done, you know, it's not my first audio. And I'm recording on my phone for when it all goes wrong. So that's good. That's great. All right. Okay. So I'm going to do three, two, one, clap, right? And that helps me sync it all up.

I know how it works, mate. We've all done that. I know. Cool. It's not our first go round. It's not our first go round. Right. Here we go.

Ready? Three, two, one. Mine was late. Hello, here we go. Ready? Three, two, one. Mine was late. Hello, ladies and gentlemen. No, well, I was just going to do the intro. And then you said, fucking, all right. So that's going to fuck up the editing. Do it again.

We'll do it again. No, no, no, no, no. I want to clap again. The skits stay in the picture. Oh, fuck off. All right, here we go. Here we go. We'll do it one more time.

Three, two. Shut up, everyone. Okay, sorry. I'm sorry I keep talking. We right. All right. Here we go. Here we go. Ready? We'll do it one more time. Three, two. Shut up, everyone. Okay. Sorry. I'm sorry I keep talking. We do this every time. I wish I'd stopped. Every time.

Shut up. No more from now on. You count us down, and then we go. Here we go. It's exciting. Three. Oh, fuck off. Just do it.

Ready? Three. On one, or on three, two, one, clap? It's three, two, one, clap. Three, two, one, clap. Yeah. All right. Three, two, one, or on three, two, one, clap. It's three, two, one, clap. Three, two, one, clap. Yeah. All right? Three, two, one, crap.

Three, two, one, crap. Right. Here we go. Three, two, one. Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Cheap Show, the most professional podcast in existence. I don't know if he likes doing it on purpose. No, that was you.

You were late. You were late. I was back on with Paul. No, there's a natural delay that when I put it on purpose. No, that was you. You were late. You were late. I was back on with Paul. No, there's a natural delay that when I put it all together in the edit, removes that delay. So it doesn't matter that you'll hear a collapse later. Jesus. Welcome to Behind the Scenes Cheap Show Edition.

Okay, no, that's good. I'm ready then, Paul. Ready to go. Are you ready? Well, we are recording and this is the podcast. I'm ready to go. So tell me when to press record and I'm away. Oh, my God. I'm going to rip. So tell me when to press record and I'm away. Oh, my God.

I'm going to rip both your pricks off like an angry snowman and then eat them like an angry snowman. An angry snowman? Already? What? Yeah. Let's just all calm down. Let's all calm down.

A snowman? Angry snowman? It's all calm down. A snowman? Angry snowman? It's all calm down. Eli, you're getting hysterical. Calm down. How does a snowman bite my dick off? No, I bite you. You know what? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast with me, Paul Gannon, and my good friend... It's me, Eli Silverman. Hi. And welcome back into the fold, our wayward son, it's Mr Ash Frith. Say hello. Hello, everyone. Hello, Paul. Hello, Eli. Hello.

So now that we've all calmed down, let's, with a level head and a mighty heart, crack on and do something we like to call Cheap Show. Mighty heart. Thank you. Shut up. Fucking noodle posse. cheap show mighty heart thank you shut up fucking noodle posse people love noodles

it's just a fact of cheap show you're gonna have to learn to fucking accept cheap show off-brand off-brand It's the price of shite. Paul Gannon. Eli Silverman. Ice of Shite. Paul Gannon. Eli Silverman.

Welcome to Cheat Show. And a go and a nuzzle. Do you reckon anyone's ever put an actual heart into a snowman? Like a pig's heart or a cow's heart? You mean like a serial killer? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That'd be good. I'd like that. I bet that wasn't in the film, The Snowman.

No. Which one? The Raymond Burns one? Yeah, definitely not. No, the recent Fassbender thriller. Did they reboot The Snowman with Fassbender? No, it was a totally different story. No, they took the original plot by Raymond Burns of a child that befriends

a snowman and goes to the North Pole for an adventure. And they made it a serial killer thriller. How have we all been then? All right? Yeah, fine, mate. I've been really introspective in the last six hours and I'm on the verge. So it's great to speak to you guys. Okay.

it's great to speak to you guys okay i spent my girlfriend's also my girlfriend's working from home and i realized on day three that i might be the most annoying person to have ever lived no he like exists i'm not annoying i'm fine i kept saying i want those files on my desk by noon and things like that and she's like can you just stop saying that, please? Oh, so what, you've been trying to give her a kind of work environment at home? Yeah, I kept, like, goosing her and being sexually, and trying to sort of belittle her in the office place. And she reported you to HR, who I presume is also you. Yeah, I know.

And, you know, nothing's going to get done because me and the guy from HR, we're quite close. Oh, yeah. What does that mean? Paul! That suggests that Art is having an illicit office romance with himself. I'm wanking off the guy from HR.

Yeah, yeah. What a lovely poem. What did you want, Eli? Can I just say, I wanted to just add to this. I don't have a girlfriend. So. Right, okay. So, do, do, do, do, do, obvious report.

And today's obvious report comes from Eli, which is you're a lonely old scrotum. You are a fucking cunt. Do you want one though, Eli? Huh? Could you look after one? Eli, do you want a girlfriend? Yes. Do you want a girlfriend? Yes. Do you want a girlfriend or just someone who can wash you?

I can wash myself. Would you like someone to wash you, though? Oh, God. Can we get on with the show, really? Why don't you buy a monkey and let the monkey wash you in the bath? Why don't you fuck a pig, a dead pig? That's true. I'm not allowed out the house.

You know what I mean? That's true. With a strong heart Nothing wrong with that So anyway on today's episode We're going to be doing something very unusual We'll be doing a cheap eats But Eli will be doing all the eating for us

Won't you? Yeah that's right I've got a lot of cheap eats here In the house of pickles I've actually been eating some Just a little taste, an amuse-bouche, you know. I've had some barbecue-flavoured corn nuts. Oh.

I like them. I like them a lot. Have you had those before, Ash? Yeah, absolutely love them. These are called nuts. Double Z. Nuts. Nuts.

Yeah. But they're notuts. Nuts. Yeah. But they're not nuts. Why have they got a double Z on? Is it because they're extra spicy or something? Because they're quirky. You'd have to take this up with Payman, the manufacturers of these nuts. Nick Hayman, the 80s pop star.

No, that's not what I said, is it? No. Oh, Eli, you can't start picking this apart, otherwise the whole podcast falls down. Yeah, if you're is it? No. Oh, Eli, you can't start picking this apart, otherwise the whole podcast falls down. Yeah, if you're in a retrospective mood today, Eli, we're fucked. Yeah, that is true. What do you mean, retrospective mood? What the fuck?

I accepted that, Eli. This is a real problem, Paul. He's becoming a real problem. Listen, Paul, I'll tell you what I'm having a problem with. Your fucking verbiage. It's nonsense. It's when you're not in the room. What it is, is when you're not in the room with me,

it's hard for me to get the context when you say nonsense words. He's in a real retrospective mood today. Shut up. The snowman. The snowman biting someone's dick off just started me off. What? I can't drop it. You said snowman bite your dick off just started me off. What? I can't drop it. You said snowman, bite your

dick off. I've got no reply. I really don't. I'm trying to get on track with the nuts. You know what I mean? You know what the highlight of my day is at the moment? It's having a poo. I get really excited when I know I can go to the toilet and

spend some time by myself. Try having two kids, mate. Nah, I haven't got the time. I hope I'm not on lockdown that long. Some people will be. Yeah, there are going to be a lot of babies, lockdown babies, aren't there? But also, do you think there'll be a lot of lockdown divorces? Yeah.

I mean, where do you go? Imagine splitting up with someone now. Where would you go? Yeah, you'd go to the would go you'd go to the loft you'd go to the loft ash or something like that i'm in the loft i'm in the loft as we speak in the pod booth i could oh yeah is that where you have it in your loft yeah i built it up here i could live up here easily it's got everything i need and then one day you'll go down and you'll realize that your family moved out years ago and you've been haunting the new family that lived

there you think they've got a ghost it is is a bit like that, actually, because my pod booth is on the side of the house that our neighbours are attached to. They've just had their roof replaced. So I record our podcast up here that I do with Justin Panks, Pranked and Firth podcast. And I could hear them tap, tap, tapping away and chatting and talking. And I was thinking, if they can hear me,

that's weird. They're going to be really freaked out by just a voice in the loft. It's a really foul-mouthed ghost in the attic. Yeah, exactly. But it's completely soundproof now. That's good. So they probably didn't hear anything.

Well, we've also got coming up on the show today a performance. We have been given explicit... Oh, fuck you. Permission. The word you're looking for is permission. Permission, Paul. Say permission. He didn't care. But Tim Heidecker, who

is involved in what we're going to perform later... Wasn't he from Place Academy? No. You're thinking of Steve Guttenberg. Oh, no. I was thinking of Hightower. Oh, yeah. What? Hightower. I think we're all doing different podcasts oh paul i'm sorry i think i might be in a bit of a retrospective mood right okay well

aren't you all witty yeah make some sense you're gonna be doing a performance based on something tim heidecker greg turkington and mark prosch wrote via texts to each other and i said can we perform it on our podcast he went yeah whatever, yeah, whatever. So we're doing it. Nice. Content is low this week. Enjoy what you're getting. You didn't ask me. I've got three different Mexican sauces in here ready to go. Ash, out of interest, do you care about sauces?

Yes. All right. Well, it's two against one. Eli, you're allowed to do sauces. Well, okay. I just need to think about what sauces I'll do. Oh, you did say ready to go. Yeah, I thought it was ready to go, so we're dropping the segment now. No, it's ready to go.

It's ready to go. They're just up there. No, it's too late now. No, it's not too late. You had your chance. You built it up. It's never too late for source report. I don't feel very ready to go. Yeah, no, I thought it was ready to go right there and then. It is. Right, hang on. One second. One sec.

Right, he's off for a scurry. It doesn't feel very ready to go, Paul. I know, but he's just not professional. Right. And it's cheap, this sauce, as well. Oh. Yeah, because it's pots you get free in something, isn't it? No, no, no.

No, this is a plastic bottle, but it's pots you get free in something, isn't it? No, no, no. This is a plastic bottle, but it is a bottle of sauce. And it's by a company called Mexico Lindo. I thought this lockdown couldn't get any worse. Mexico Lindo? Mexican Linda?

Mexico Lindo. Mexican Linda? I'm not doing a fucking character. Oh! I'd love to. Mexican Linda. I'm not doing a fucking character. Oh, nearly. I'd love to hear Mexican Linda. She's not, she's unwell. So, Mexico Linda, and it's called Seven Salsamares, which means seven seas, source of seven seas.

What? It's got a picture of a clam. So, what's it called? And it's got a little cartoon chilli pepper who is also a pirate and you can see that on the cover of this source. What does she sound like?

So Mexican Linda's a salty pirate who sails the seven seas. No the name of the company is Mexico Lindo. Mexican Linda yeah. And the source, they're the manufacturer and the source is called 7 is Mexico Lindo. Mexican Lindo, yeah. And the sauce, they're the manufacturer, and the sauce is called Seven Numeric. It's the number seven.

That's a really long title for a sauce, isn't it? Weird. Yeah, it's weird. Seven Salsa Mares, meaning the sea. And it's got a little chili pepper pirate as its mascot, this sauce. Right, you ready? So the red hot chili peppers are all pirates.

It costs £1.50, you ready? So the Red Hot Chili Peppers are all pirates. It costs £1.50 and I'm opening it up now. Did you miss this, Ash? I don't know about missed it, but I think I might need it. It's got a squeeze top. It's got a little squeeze top. I'm going to pop the top now and get a little huff report going. Right.

My mouth is watering. It's very tomatoey smelling. It's got a kind of vinegar, sort of stale vinegar and tomato smell. So it's red, I should say. It's a deep red. I'm going to just put a little... Yeah. Oh God, I've got it on my trousers!

Shit! It's a meters test. Oh no! Has a little bit gone on the end of your penis? Shit. It's a meters test. Oh, no. Has a little bit gone on the end of your penis? No, it's gone on my trousers. Right. Can you tell us that you're wearing white jeans? Yeah.

Week by week, Eli sounds more like my granddad. Oh, no, it's gone on my trousers. I'm going to taste it now, guys. What, your trousers? Oh, my word What, your trousers? Ugh! Ugh! Oh, my word! Is it hot or gross? It tastes like that tamarind stuff.

Oh, no. With chilli. Oh, that's bad news. The guy from Kingsman. Yeah. Tamarind Egerton. Yeah. Tarragon Eggenham That was terrible that source

Well what a successful segment that was Silverman thank you for wasting our time He said he had three ready to go It's fine it's fine we have a few more weeks ahead of us lockdown we need all the content we can get Calm down We've done enough Just before we move on with the show

I do want to bring up a topic from last week, the Crisp Walkers conspiracy. Did you hear about this, Ash? Yes. Okay. Well, long story short, someone wrote an article saying, oh, Walker's Crisp used to be green for cheese and onion and blue for salt and vinegar.

And now they change around and some people are going, no, it was always like that. So the answer is it was always like that. I've had a few emails from people such as Jordan got in touch, Dean got in touch, a guy called Frederick got in touch, all with lengthy, lengthy emails explaining the history of Walker's Crisps. The weird thing is I used to, I remember being four and I remember a way to go to sleep I used to have was to imagine a bag of Walker's crisps, salt and vinegar, because they were my favourite crisps.

You know they used to have the transparent window in them? Yeah. And so I used to lay in bed, and the thing I used to do to settle down and go off to sleep was to try and intricately imagine the bag and then I'd gradually just fall asleep doing that. So I've known them to be green since I was at least four. Weird. That is weird. Thank you. Also kind of sad that

as a child you lay in bed imagining crisps. Look at the size of me now. I still go to bed imagining crisps but now I can just eat them. What did you used to imagine then Paul that wasn't sad? Come on. I still go to bed imagining crisps, but now I can just eat them. What did you used to imagine then, Paul, that wasn't sad? Come on. I used to invent Inspector Gadget

stories for myself and fall asleep. Oh, how charming. It is better, actually. To be fair, it is better, yes. What did you do, Eli? Just howl until you passed out? I used to think that the au pair would kill me if I didn't have all of my head covered with the blanket. Great.

What a totally middle-class thing. No, she'd be a zombie. She'd be turned into a killer. It's not her. She was fine. By who? The force of evil. Was it a sexy au pair or not so?

Oh, God. Yeah. I mean, aren't all of them? Oh, God. Here we go. We've scratched the surface here of Eli's 70s porn comedy lifestyle existence. No, shut up.

You used to think about... It's Eli Silverman in... Ooh, pear. Episodes of Inspector Gadget. Well, at least I didn't fantasise over my living help. So what happens in these episodes? Does he have a go-go gadget dick and it goes right up some octopus or something wow right well we found that a little bit more

about eli already wow i once saw an au pair's poo okay no you do win how how how how uh my friend had an au pair. The dad of the family was 100% having sex with her. She was very, very beautiful. And I went to the bathroom after her and her poo hadn't flushed. And I remember seeing it and instantly not finding her attractive anymore. I think I was very fickle as a young man. Well, it could put you off temporarily but you know yeah come back the next day it's fading it's the memory's fading you know but did the poo itself offend was it like

knobbly and grotesque no you know what i can i can all i can see it now which must be a false memory yeah because i've got it with me how hard are are you right now? I fished it out. No, but I can see it in my mind's eye as it was, and it was incredibly smooth and perfectly brown. Wow. But I remember seeing it and thinking, oh, I don't find her attractive anymore. That's disgusting.

Yeah, but everyone does it, Ash. Yeah. Okay. Well, what a heartfelt moment to end this segment on on it's irrational to be not sexually attracted to someone by discovering their feces is what i'm saying yeah i know it is strange well i guess it depends where you find it it's irrational anyone you you'd ever have sex with in your life shits shits all the time everyone's shitting all the time aren't they i mentioned about being a bit, about having a moment today. I remember I once had a girlfriend when it was just sort of, you know, you were boyfriend and girlfriend.

It wasn't anything serious. And I remember going around her house once and she had beans for dinner and that put me off her and we broke up. I think I might be the problem. You're the problem. Yeah, I think it is you. I had beans today. Yeah. I'd eat beans every meal of the rest of my life if I could,

but I just remember watching her eating beans and going, oh, my God, she makes me feel sick. It was the way she was spooning the beans into her gob. Into her arsehole. She wasn't doing that. That would put me off. She consumed all her food via her bum. Like a hoover.

Did she go around like a dog? You know what? Let's, like a dog. You know when a dog scratches its arse? Let's start again, shall we? You know when a dog... Let's start from the top. It was like Hungry Hippos, but with arseholes.

Right, okay, great. Lovely, lovely. Right, let's move on. All right. No, the crisps. That's what we were All right. No, the crisps, that's what we were talking about. No, the crisps, Paul. Everyone press... I haven't said my thing about the crisps.

And now, remote from the House of Pickles, it's Eli Silverman's Cheap Eats. Yes, yes, yes. But before we do that, I just wanted to go talk about crisps a bit more. By all means, Mr. Silverman, crack on. Now, Ash, you said you

always knew blue walkers were salt and vinegar. Green. Cheese and onion. Green were... You've already obfuscated it already. You've ruined the point. paul you what was your actual position did you think that they'd switched at some point no i've only ever known them in the opposite manner as to the rest of chris brands i got totally mandala'd on it didn't i because i

really did think they switched at some point but it was a complete urban legend and you know what really brought it home to me and convinced me I was wrong was those pictures of vintage crisp packets they had two different sort of Walker's blue cheese and onion packets from the 80s and one from the 70s and I thought, God, I was wrong People were sending me links to adverts

from the late 70s of Ronnie Barker advertising Walker's crisps and in the adverts you clearly see salt and vinegar is, you know, green and cheese and onion is blue. And then there's that whole thing about, oh well, Pepsi bought them that's when they changed. It's like, no, that never happened. They think

there's actually one point I will bring up in an email someone sent to me, because again, all these emails were very long and very in-depth, but hang on bear with me one second. So, Frederick, who emailed Cheap Show and gave him this whole load of information and pictures of different types of walkers, Chris, from around the world

and colour schemes, like apparently in Australia, salt and vinegar is pink, Eli. What?! I thought that would rile you. It is strange how we associate a flavour with a colour. That is mad, isn't it a color that is mad isn't it he ends the email sorry he ends the email by saying thirdly and finally there is no evidence for the color

of the packaging of walker salt and vinegar flavored crisps ever being anything but green there is however an image of a cheese and onion flavored walker crisp packet that relates to a marketing campaign that became unofficially known as the confuse an alcoholic campaign due to the use of the slogan, any time is opening time from around the 1980s. That is clearly blue. And that sends me a reference to that. But again, still cheese and onion flavour, but in blue.

So we can at least say 1980, it was a blue crisp for that flavour of cheese and onion. It's always been blue. It's always been blue. Do you feel like you've led a light i have left i've been in a different world this whole time it's been like the truman show my whole life i always thought that they switched they never switched they never switched but coming back to your point ash um it is funny how we associate a flavour with a colour, but you'd think that at base, when this all started, because crisps have the flavours that are other foodstuffs that have colours.

So you'd think, for example, that the green from cheese and onion is the colour of the onion. You know, like a spring onion is very green, isn't it? Because I think of a spring onion rather than an actual onion, which is weird. And I think of vinegar as blue. Why isn't vinegar brown? Yeah. Because you couldn't have brown packets of crisps.

Because that's barbecue, isn't it? Or beef. I think of the sea as blue and the salt comes from the sea. Yeah, that's right. That's right. Thanks. Ash is good at this, looking at the context of flavors. Great, Ash.

You must be so proud. Now, what I thought, as soon as you said that in New Zealand that they have pink salt and vinegar, is it must be they must have that Himalayan pink salt, mustn't they? Himalayan? Yeah. Himalayan pink salt?

Yeah, but they must use a Himalayan pink salt a lot down there for their salt and vinegar. Do they? No. Weayan pink salt a lot down there for their salt vinegar. Do they? No. We don't need evidence. We can just say they do. We can say stuff. No, you can't just say stuff.

Why weren't... Monster Munch yellow is beef, isn't it? Yeah, because cows are yellow. Yeah, but the difference with that is Monster Munch represents their flavours with the monster, not the colour of the packaging. Yeah. So you know what flavour goes with which monster. Yeah.

But why? What made them decide on that? Well, because they're edgelords. I'd rather be the... In fact, you could say, Eli, they're crisp edgelord. Oh, I can't believe it. Oh, there can't be easy settings on games.

It restricts barriers in gameplay. God, I can't even take a joke.'t be easy settings on games. It restricts barriers in gameplay. I can't even take a joke. I'm Crisp Edge Lord. Hello, Crisp. Nice to hear from you again. Can I just say, like, it doesn't have the spark that last week did. Right, so talking of Crisp, Paul,

moving on to Cheap Eats, which is the section of Cheap Show where we taste food we've got some P.O. Box stuff for me to try, is that right? I haven't opened the bag you sent me through covert means

I managed to get Eli some of our P.O. Box goodies and Eli will be therefore looking into the bag of P.O. Box goodies and eating and rating and testing them and me and Ash will be therefore looking into the bag of PO Books goodies and eating and rating and testing them and me and Ash will just have to listen to his fat mouth chomping on snacks.

I don't have. We've been over this. I don't have a fat mouth, right? I may have slightly podgy fingers and that is as far as I'll go. My mouth is slim. It's slimline. It's beautiful. It's slimline. It's beautiful. It's a beautiful.

It's a lovely mouth. It's a lovely. Your blues name was Slim Mouth Silverman. Yeah. Old Slim Mouth Silverman. He got a slim mouth. He got a slim mouth. And I ain't got no girlfriend.

Slim Mouth. All right, I'll go get the crisps then, yeah? a slim mouth and I ain't got no girlfriend. Slim mouth. Right, I'll go get the crisps then, yeah? Slim mouth Silverman does sound like the kind of guy you avoid in the park. I wouldn't.

I'd go over to him. I haven't looked in here. So, um... Eli, what's in the bag? Let's see. Here's the scruffle of the bag, everybody. People like the scruffle. It sounded like cheap bag, plastic bag. Let's see. Here's the scruffle of the bag, everybody. People like the scruffle.

Cheap bag, plastic bag. Oh, my God. I'm going to love this shit, man. The first thing out of the bag is an extremely strong item. These are some crisps. Old Dutch ketchup flavoured. Now, I believe there's a letter that comes with this bag, so you might want to have a little perusal of it,

because it will explain some of the things in the bag, I think. Well, shall I take them out first and then look at the letter, or what? Well, you do whatever you want. You're in charge. Next thing out, more crisps. Blair's Death Rain Buffalo Wing Potato Chips. Those are the spicy ones. Yeah, they're from last week.

That's from a binumid i've got some crisps here ridges all dressed ah these are the all dressed paul which were mentioned yeah these are these are canadian all dressed because we tried those shebang all the whole shebang crisps which were prison crisps, on Digitiser. And these are the equivalent, apparently, of having all flavours in one. I'll be enjoying tasting those a little later. Can you imagine, Ash? I mean, I can't, but I'm going to vicariously imagine eating crisps via Eli. There's a couple of soft drinks in here.

They look Korean. One seems to be a pear soda. Nice squat little can there. i think it's grape and peach i think there are two sodas grape and peach this has definitely got apples on it so you're lying why is peach not a bigger thing over here like i love the taste of peach why isn't there more peach stuff i don't know i love i love the taste of peach as well i think the best taste of peach flavorings is when you can taste the fuzz in the flavour. No, I can't eat the fuzz.

I'll eat a peach slice, but I couldn't eat the fuzz. It would set my spine on edge. The fuzz is part of the experience. I like the fuzz. I'm very much a modern peach person. Eli and I like the fuzz. If you don't like the fuzz, Ash, what you want is a nectarine.

It's a fuzzless peach. You can't eat a nectarine because It's a fuzzless peach. You can't eat a nectarine because it says ripen in the bowl. You leave it for four days, it goes rotten. You eat it after three days, it's too hard. They must have a 20-minute window where they're edible. Are you doing some

stand-up from 1986? No, I'm not. I'm genuinely annoyed by it. Fucking hell, look at these pickles, mate. Oh yeah I'm genuinely annoyed by it. Fucking hell, look at these pickles, mate. Oh, yeah, the pickles from last week. I can't remember the name of the company now, but Daddy Sis, Mommy's Deal or something. What do they say?

These are by Van Heltens. One is Sour Sis, a tart and tangy pickle. These are individual pickles in sachet things. They're big pickles, Ash. Hot Mama, which is a hot and spicy pickle. I don't think I want to eat post-pickles at any stage anyway. And then a Big Papa. Big Papa is what I'm looking forward to.

Because it's a hearty dill pickle. Yeah, innit? I used to do a bit of tour support when I was... Remember when I was a stand-up comedian before this lockdown happened? In the long, long time ago. Yeah, and one particular act that I used to work with, he used to get food at every show where people would just leave piles and piles of food for him.

And we would never touch it because people would go, oh, a cake oh i made you this and one time i was like i was so hungry i was like what can we just eat some of the stuff he's like i opened up one tub and it was millionaire shortbread first thing i noticed was in the chocolate there was a thumbprint and then as i thought well if i don't eat the thumbprint I can eat the other bit and then he just sort of pulled it apart and there was just a hair running through the chocolate and I was like that's why you don't

eat any of it you know what you can't call it a millionaire fucking shortbread if there's a big big pube or something in it that's what millionaires do how do you know that might be what millionaires do. How do you know? That might be how millionaires live. They might go,

hey, get me my millionaire's shortbread and make sure it's crammed with pubes. My lord, I've brought you in the finest millionaire's shortbread and it is jam-packed with the pubis of your garden tender. Your garden tender!

Poor you, you need to lay off the wacky backy, my friend. So are you going to eat one of the pickles, Eli? I'm going to read the letter. Shouldn't I read the letter? Well, the pickles are from last week. All right, well, I'm going to read the letter anyway. Read the letter. I like the way the letter started.

Oh, are you going to read it out loud or in your head? Out loud. Are you ready? Yes. Are you ready, Ash, though? 12 minutes in and we haven't done a fucking thing yet. Go on. It's nice to have you back on the show, mate, by the way.

It's great to be here. I saw someone talking about who would you like to be locked down with. And someone said, oh, imagine being locked down with Eli. I was like, yeah, I'd choose Eli. Of all the people, I'd choose him. Thanks, mate. Right, okay. Hello to Eli and his talented...

I am going to take that personally. Yeah, well, I would choose Eli over you. I would love you like no other. You wouldn't want for a thing if you live with me. I would service you. I think we would't want for a thing If you live with me I would service you I think we would be bad for each other That's my thoughts

Baby a little bad's gotta be a little good Right honey child No I think we'd both just end up topping ourselves Come on lock down with me And I'll get me big papadil pickle out I think I'll just probably go to Eli's Did you Eli did you just fart

No absolutely not I heard a fart I think I'll just probably go to Eli's. Did you? Yeah. Eli, did you just fart? No. Absolutely not. No. I heard a fart. Well, you'll hear back on the recording. I just made a little throat noise, is what it was. Are you ready for this letter?

13 minutes and 46 seconds. I should be reviewing the footage. Yes. If you had a tongue in your arsehole, would you make fart sounds with your mouth or your arsehole? What? Mouth. How could you?

What? I don't know. Oh, you mean if your mouth... If your arsehole had a tongue, you mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Would you still go... You said if you had a tongue in your arsehole, and already I'm in some kind of brothel situation, you know? I am talking about if you had a tongue in your arsehole.

Right, someone's tongue in my arsehole, yeah? I've paid, have I paid for it? No, like a new tongue. How much have I paid for this? Wait, I'm confused. Is Ash offering to put his tongue up your arsehole on the lockdown? I mean, like I say, stand-up

is really closed down at the moment. Stand-up, kneel down more like from this point on, Ash. Am I right? Yes. Suck a dick. Hello! This is the letter. The letter's sentient, it can speak. This is amazing. Fucking shut up!

Hello to Eli and his talented sidekick, Paul. Say hello to them. Hello to them. On the recent Digitiser Prison Food Taste Test episode, you both tried some potato chips or crisps called the Whole Shebang, and Mr Bifford mentioned another flavour in comparison,

and neither of you seemed to know what he was talking about, so I thought you might like to try some all-dress crisps for yourselves and compare them to the American crisps. It's a Canadian flavour of crisps. It's a very common flavour available there, apparently. That sounds like a lie. It was created in Quebec, so that's a real place in Canada, in 1978. It's been a staple in convenience stores for as long as I remember.

Right, well then test it. Taste it. We want the Huff report. We want a taste. And the letter goes on to say how he likes my noodles bits and stuff. And this is from Ryan. Let's just go through the letter bit by bit and you can eat the things as they come.

Ryan Unrah. Brian who? Unrah. From Thundercats. Unrah. Brian Mumruh. That's what we're calling him. Fair play. No, it's Unruh. Unruh.

Unruh. No, no. It is Mumruh now. Right. Are you ready for me to taste these ketchup flavoured crisps? 16 minutes in, I should say so. Now, these are manufactured by a company called Old Dutch, and they seem to have a motto,

quality lives here. What here they're referring to appears to be a windmill. So these are in date. They go off this month. Fucking hell. I don't need everything on the packet. No, actually, tell a lie, they're out of date.

They went off on March 4th. Plot twist. I'm going to get the huff on. Here we go. I'm going to snip the corner off for my patented huff injection mode. Snip the corner off and then here we go. Oh mate, that's a beautiful, beautiful huff on these crisps i know i'm gonna love a bag really cheap plastic it sounds awful really no it's quite good plastic

silver oh the huff is so nice it's a really rich ketchupyy smell. Bit sweet, salty, bit of vinegar. It's got great amplitude, and you've got a whole sort of range of ketchupy flavours coming out of the smell alone. Now, Eli, do you know how we rate crisps? One of our most popular categories is accuracy. How we've always been known for talking about how accurate a flavour is. Paul, Paul, Paul. How do you even describe it if it's an everything flavour crisp? Paul?

Yes? I've got two points to make about what you just said, right? Point one. I'm not tasting the all flavour crisp at the moment. I'm tasting the ketchup ones, you nonty. Oh. Right?

Yeah. And I'm not going to play along. It was Mr. Biffo's thing. We're not nicking it. We're just borrowing it. We're using his accuracy thing. You know what, Eli, I only made my error about the

crisps because you're a boring, feckless, professional, maverick broadcaster. Look, I think everyone, including our listeners, and Ash, wants me to get back to tasting these crisps. Now, you should do some more

fucking listening, yeah, and know what item I'm tasting, okay? Because I mention it clearly. These are Old Dutch ketchup flavoured crisps. Anything to add, Ash, about this? Anything? I'm looking forward to the taste test. Right,

I'm opening them now, Paul. You've sullied this. No, you've just been very bruschke to the taste test. Right, I'm opening them now, Paul. You've sallied this. No. You've just been very brusch to Ash and I think he's a bit offended now and upset. No, I'm tasting the crisps now. I feel a bit like Eli's been very retrospective today. Yeah, he is. Now,

these crisps have a colour to them. They are tainted red. All tainted red Orangey Yeah All tainted red With a ketchupy flavour And I'm going to taste them now Alright

Oh Oh mate What They're brilliant Do they taste of ketchup They taste slightly old But I'm ignoring that And going to what they taste like

If they were fresh You know Oh man They taste slightly old, but I'm ignoring that and going to what they taste like if they were fresh, you know. Oh, man. There's not a lot of explaining going on. No, there's not. I'm waiting. I'm hanging on your every word. Basically, Eli's enjoying some crisps in this section.

Yeah. I love it. I love it very tomatoey very ketchupy very accurate I'd give it a high accuracy scale what's the crunch like? again I think it's been compromised

by them being not quite in date so it's hard to say but they look like ordinary crisps quite thick cut got some heft got some they're very good very good old dutch right next this is the every flavor crisp now do you want me to taste the every flavor crisp now yes because that's what you started with in the letter and i presumed you'd eat first having just talked about it instead, you opened up the ketchup and it threw me off.

Okay, I'm sorry about that. Now, these are made by Old Dutch as well. These are Ridgies all dressed. Ridgies... Oh, I don't know who's making who making what now. They're both made by the same company. They're made by the same... Thank you, Ash, the voice of sanity. Now... You could almost say, Eli, it's double

Dutch. Yeah, right. These are the ridgies. Come on, that deserve better. You could say that. You could say that, Paul. Don't come back. I've had enough siding with Eli in a lockdown. These are ridgies.

Yeah? Which is a crinkle. It refers to the crinkles. Like a McCoy's crisp. I don't know how to make any otheroy's crisp. Yeah. And it's all crisp. I don't know why they make any other kind of crisp. I agree on that point, actually. All crisps should be crinkled.

They did a kettle chip, salt and vinegar, crinkle cut, and it was the best crisp I've ever tasted. Wow. But you can't get them anymore. I've never seen a crinkle cut kettle chip. Yeah, they just don't exist anymore. I don't know what happened. They probably weren't

very popular well you know like a crinkle uh a kettle chip is quite rough on the mouth already perhaps they found people having sustaining quite major mouth injuries where the you know the combined hardness of the uh the natural sort of brittle hardness of a kettle chip combined with the ridges turned into a sort of natural saw you know in the mouth and kind of sawed a bit of your gum off while you're trying to swallow it Someone cut their head clean off swallowing a ridged kettle chip

So the other interesting thing to mention about these ridges all dressed is that there is a photograph of an all Dutch catering van with an open side you know like those ones you get at car boot sales or whatever. Like a food truck kind of thing. Yeah.

What do they sell? It doesn't have anyone in it. It's an empty food truck. It's not going to be crisps, is it? Apparently, maybe they sold things. I don't know. There must be some... I'm going to look at the letter,

but let's first get on to getting the Huff Report from these all dressed. Oh, this is going to be exciting. Back to my point from before, if we're going to rate things on accuracy, if a flavour is every flavour, how accurate can it be? You rate it on how

accurately it tastes of every flavour, Paul. I don't see what you're not getting here. What does every flavour taste like, though? We'd need a universal base standard. Within what spectrum of things? Well, food probably. So it's going to have a fishy taste? It's going to have a gamey taste?

No, the shebang. Well you say that, the shebang did manage to taste of simultaneously barbecue, salt and vinegar, prawn cocktail and cheese and onion. So they deliver. all of those things are going on in your mouth at once i'd be surprised if these all dressed uh uh i was good

honestly right we'll go on then now because also those those shebangs are made for like prison so they've got like some real punch because people in prison get bored and stuff so they want a crisp that really fucking takes them on a journey you know what i mean yeah that's why they do it people in prison they do want to look out for their flavor sensations yeah they're all over that now i'm gonna huff inject the huff which i've been pinching closed on this packet right now not much going on. Oh. No, just a sort of general... How utterly thrilling.

The huff is like... Paul, this is your section. This is a general... It's not my section. It's your podcast. It's a sort of... Not my podcast. It's a general sort of crisp smell coming off them.

Get eaten. I'm going to get in there. Again, they've got an orange kind of appearance, these, as well. As if they're coloured. And they're ridged, micro-ridged. Should we find out if these ones are in date? Oh, yeah, the in date, yeah. What's Al?

It's the man who used to help Sam Beckett in Quantum Leap. Yeah, but what does Al mean as a month? Oh, August. I think it's a... No, it's a French. What's the French month, Al? April. Oh, it might be April. That's a good one. Well, then it's a French. What's the French month, Al? April. Oh, it might be April.

That's a good one. Well, then it's gone off, hasn't it? No. No, it hasn't. Yeah. I forgot who I was. I'm 81. Did he say I forgot who I was?

Yeah. How could you forget? Wow. Eli's now having a wank. Wow. Ooh. I'll a wank. Wow. Ooh. I'll tell you what. They're really something.

These are all dressed. Mmm. Oh. I didn't think a crisp could be so nuanced and complex in its flavour. But, wow. That is a unique flavour. Mmm. What are you picking up, though?

It's sort of like a sour cream sort of taste. Is there a beef element to report? There's no beef, but there's a definite umami. How about cheese? Do we hear any confirmation on a cheese sensation? No cheese, no cheese. It's like you're at the scene of a crime and you're talking to him on the radio.

There's a sweetness, but it's not overpowering at all it's not a cloying girlfriend sickness it's really hard to describe actually weird it's different from the other ones we had the big shebang the shebang it's very much uh not as powerful a flavor at all but definitely comparable in niceness to the shebangs very nice nice crisp. Very nice. Wonderful. What's next on the letter? Let's have a look. Sorry.

Hang on. It's a common flavour there. It appeared in Quebec in 78. Right. This flavour of crisp is normally coated with four or other of the other five most common flavours available. Salt and vinegar, barbecue, sour cream and onion and ketchup. Really?

Yeah. It sort of did taste like all those things. The only common crisp type not in all dressed is dill pickle. And I've already tried that flavour in a previous episode, he's saying. So he didn't sell me any dill pickle crisps. Just send them. Send them, mum-rah. When in doubt, send them out. Yeah, send me some dill crisps, man.

Jesus, I'll eat those. I would eat them on my deathbed. Okay, there you go. They're very nice. What else did he send? Let's see. We've got some spicy crisps now. Blair's Death Rain.

Now, we got sent some Blairs, didn't we, that we tasted on the source report before? Blair's Death Hot Sauce. Yeah, it came with that little plastic skull. Do you remember? Yes, I do now. Yes, yes, yes. So this is crisp based on that flavour.

Yeah, and it says it's got a little hotness meter in the form of a little diagram of a thermometer. And it's only halfway up. It says medium hot. On this packet crisp, it says feel alive, which is their shtick. Like, you know that you you would eat chili or hot food as a sort of thrill ride to experience something rather than because it just it tastes nice to you you know what i mean so if you're sitting alone in the dark sad you can spice up your bit of a bit of your life just with a bit of a chili

with a crisp right now do you like hot bowl to have gone with a bit of a chilli. With a crisp. Now, do you like hot... Bolton would have gone with a thermometer rather than the chilli. Yeah, why do you put lots of chillies? There is a chilli... You're right, Ash, very astute of you. They do sometimes have a chilli with the calibration of hotness on it. But Blair have gone

through a thermometer, which is more clinical and more threatening, isn't it, really? Do you think? Yeah, it's more medical. It's like this is medically how hot this chilli is in this, you know? But I ask you, I ask you, what if it is an

anal thermometer? Shut up! You're so shit at everything. Maybe you should start putting the crisps up your arsehole. Now, these crisps... Shut up! One by one they went. Crunch, crunch, crunch in his arse-y goodness. What would be the best crisp to pop your bum?

Wotsits. No, it wouldn't. And Wotsit would totally disintegrate upon entry. It wouldn't even get in there. You need something, again, like a kettle chip, which has some rigidity. Tell you what, if you want some fun, knick-knack. Oh, hang on.

Yeah, but knick-knack, now you're thinking. Now you're thinking. A knick-knack could survive the entry intact. A watsit's just going to turn to orange mush on the way in. I feel like knick-knack might press every G-spot up the male bottom. Yeah. And it also makes a funny sound when it comes out as well, like a little xylophone.

Now, one of these things I'll say about these crisps, these Blair's Death buffalo bean crisps, it says, feel alive on the side. Very 90s kind of extreme sort of marketing they're going for. Huff report, please, Mr. Silverman. I'm snipping the corner off right now, Paul. I've got the huff ready to be released. I'm pinching the nodule, the sweet, sweet huff air, into my nostril hole.

Right, good. Oh! Woo! That is woo! Oh, dear. That is a powerful vinegary huff. Straight up. Makes your eyes water. I'm going to go back for more.

Makes your eyes water. It's the worst soldier. Eyes water. They've got a very strong... These are cauldron cooked ash, which is, I believe, how they refer to kettle cooking, you know, because that's what kettle chips got their name, for the kettle where they cook them, you know. Do you believe that?

What? Do you believe they cook those things in a cauldron? I just don't believe they can mass produce crisps on that kind of scale, cooking in a kettle. They probably do, but it's probably a big industrial cauldron, which you couldn't recognise a cauldron you know i mean you don't get any you don't get witches trying to put put frogs in it or anything you know it's absolute bollocks i've got a bit of stand-up i don't want to pretend i haven't that is about hand-cooked crisps because my girlfriend once said to me about oh go and get the posh crisps i said what do you mean the posh crisps you went you know hand-cooked crisps i said what are you know, hand-cooked crisps. I said, what are you talking about, hand-cooked crisps?

And then she said, they're the posh ones. And you look, and it's written on so many bags of crisps. I know. But it doesn't, it can't be true. At no point is any... You've got some guy with a big net, don't you? You've got some guy with a big net who sort of stands several metres away from the cauldron. Yeah, because he's not going anywhere near the vat of boiling

oil in 2020, is he? No. Bollocks. That's what I say. Yeah, you're right. It is. It's a load of marketing shit, but they're quite delicious crisps, aren't they? They are the best crisps. And they're different, aren't they, than normal crisps in some way? I love an oily food. So when you do that bit in your

stand-up, is it funny? Really good. Bazing! Oh, I get all the hot takes. in some way. I love an oily food. So when you do that bit in your stand-up, is it funny? Yes. Really good. But Zing, I get all the hot takes. Yeah, yeah, it's good. Thank you for asking. Paul, I'm just going to taste these.

These, again, just to remind everyone. Oh, I thought you had. Blairs, you drone on so much. It smells good. Death Rain, Buffalo Wing, Cauldron Cooked Potato Chips.

Here goes. I'm worried that this section's too short. Not short enough. Right. It's weird. Should I be erect when listening to him eat? Yeah. Those are the weakest of the three so far.

But they're the best half. Yeah, I thought we were in for an exciting time. The flavour doesn't get released you have to really break it down and then the heat comes through and they're quite the flavor is escaped into the bag they've got a sort of chickeny flavor and they are buffalo wing flavor so i'm changing my mind they're actually quite nice but then just couldn't be hang on a minute i've just something has just occurred to me that buffalo wings means chicken wings and not bits of buffalo. Yeah, that's right.

Why are they called buffalo wings? Because the sauce was invented in 1966 in the city of Buffalo, New York. There we go. It's not like someone was trying to sell off buffalo legs and saying, oh, no, they're called buffalo wings. No. Well, that's my realisation at this. But having never eaten them obviously

that has just occurred to me that they're not bits of cow they're bits of chicken it's a unique kind of sauce buffalo refers to that sauce which is both very vinegary and hot basically yeah maybe it was a sauce invented by a buffalo yeah no i told you what it was paul there's not i mean what do you think the best thing ever invented by an animal has been? Didn't animals invent... I can't think of a thing an animal's invented, to be fair. I know what. Have you seen that video of a chimpanzee...

It's a fuck toy. ...using a frog as a... He didn't invent that. ...as a wanking aid and fucking it to death. I mean, no. He just... It's not invention. If I stick my dick in... No, he did. He could fucking it to death. I mean, no. It's not invention. If I stick my dick in

a... He did. It could be argued to have. Bath lotion. I haven't invented that. What? Bath? You know Bath lotion You get bath lotion

What's bath lotion You fucking do No you don't What is bath lotion What is bath lotion No for what Bubble bath Cream exfoliates or something

Moisturises it. Yeah, helps you cream. Helps you cream. What I'm trying to make is just by sticking your dick in something. Oh, you hilarious man. Bath lotion. You've just invented a new t-shirt. Paul's Bath Lotion.

Gannon's Bath Lotion. Gannon's Bath Lotion. You can stick your dick in it. After a long day at work Draw a bath And slide inside Paul's bath lotion It's very very very musty It's very musty

It pops its head up out of the bath Could the advert have a fish in it? Hello? Hello? Hello? It's got vitamins. Like that. So do the whole ad again, Ash, and I'll play the fish if I may.

All right. And then I'll pop up, yeah? After a long day at work, draw yourself a hot bath and slide inside with Paul's bath lotion. Splish, splash. Hello? It's got vitamins. Well, thank you for coming in, Mr. Silver. We don't think you're quite right for the role.

So thank you for coming in. And it's a no-loss. Oh, Gannon's Bath Lotion. This is a coffee crisp I'm eating now, guys. That's good, by the way. That's from the letter as well. This apparently, it's another sort of very traditional Canadian snack product. Did you say toffee crisp?

No, coffee crisp. What kind of bar is it? It's got some heft. It's just a plain... It looks like a marathon or any number of generic chocolate bars. Nutty caramel nougat bar. It's just a sort of bar shape. There's no distinction.

It's just oblong, for one of another word um so i'm smelling it it's got what other word did you want another word for oblong have you got one rectangular shaped no no no i was wondering whether you had one well i wouldn't have said for want of one if i if i had one would i because that's why i went with oblong i thought it was a perfectly good word i don't know why you were looking for another one. I know. Well, I'm never satisfied with my word choice. That's what it is. I think you're very, very dexterous when it comes

to your words. As opposed to your hands. Which are fat little sausage men. Right. So, I'm just going to keep... Little cocktail weenies on a big burger. I keep trying to put this chocolate bar into my mouth, guys. Would it fit in your anus?

Yeah, with your big tongue. It's very wafery. What, his anus? His coffee crisp, and it... It's very sweet, quite a subtle coffee taste, not much chocolate flavour, but quite pleasant. You can imagine that going down with a nice hot cup of coffee. Very nice.

Wonderful stuff. Is there anything else left on that letter for you to eat? The fact that you didn't say anything to going down with a hot coffee, Paul, I'm staggered. I can't let them all... I've got to let a few go by, otherwise this podcast will go on for days. Well, there's these pickles, aren't there? Do you want me to taste one of these pickles? No, no.

I just wanted to say something about a pickle, one of these pickles, aren't there? Do you want me to taste one of these pickles? No, no. I just wanted to say something about a pickle, one of these pickles and their appearance and girth. Yeah, there's a big girth. Ash, these pickles are very much smooth and large the way I imagine your friend's au pair's shit was. All those days and years ago send me a picture i'll see there will be pictures of all of the food i'm tasting today from ryan unwrought won't there yeah you'll have to take pictures of them for me yeah and then where will those be available for

the listeners to see thecheapshow.co.uk should i just taste one of these pickles i'm just going to taste the one just to let people know yeah just test one just test one of these pickles? I'm just going to taste one just so people know, yeah? Just test one. Just test one, but be careful. There's a lot of pickle juice in them, so don't spill them on your pants. Yeah, I'm aware of that. I've already got some chili sauce. And also, when you taste the big pickle,

can you just, at the beginning, just put your tongue on the tip of it just for a little bit and just lick it ever so slightly. Then just, I don't know, put your lips on the top of it, but don't quite bite down, but just kind of just rest your lips on it and then, I don't know, slide your mouth down slowly over the pickle

and then bring your tongue down deep to... Ash? Yeah, I didn't like it either. Oh. Just eat it slow. Get a hold of yourself. Get your hold of yourself.

I am, mate. I am. That's the problem. Now, this is a Van Holten's Big Papa hearty deal pickle. And it says on it... Very much a wreck right now. It says one portly pickle. Yeah.

And it has a cartoon of... Which is where you live. It has a cartoon... That's the address of the House of Pickles. One portly pickle yeah and it has a cartoon of which is where you live it has a cartoon that's the address of the house of pickles one portly pickle now uh it proudly supports boys and girls clubs of america it's made in the usa it's one i've seen these kind of pickles these are individually packed pickles and you would not believe the markup on these things think how much a jar of pickles just costs a couple of quid yeah at the most but one of these individually wrapped pickles in a gas station in america will set you back four bucks oh for a

pickle yeah it's because it's the convenience of having a pickle on the go it's not that convenient you have to get into it it's it's a tight but it's one of those things it's like a it's like a capri sun uh packet so it's got a a sort of base which you can rest it on. So it's upright. So you can snip the top off. And there's your pickle in the water. Are you meant to drink the pickle juice from around the pickle? Or you could drain it out the side of the car.

You know, just splash it out. Lovely. Oh, where are my scissors? Hang on. Here we go. So the finale of this segment is going to be Eli eating a big pickle I'm going to snip it

the dreams come true and it says you shouldn't refrigerate this because it's been vacuum packed the water is a very briny yellow

and almost foggy and behind it is the majesty of this quite oversized dill pickle

it's a whole mini cucumber basically yeah oh i'm just gonna sample some of the uh uh the pickle water i've snipped it snip the top off oh my god the dill smell coming off this fuck wow oh oh god that's so pickly this is great i'm just gonna have a bite of it fucking hell mate go on that is a that is a nice slow bite i have to say paul this this is a magnificent pickle it really is have you got that in the are we still in a truck truck if you got still in a truck stop? If you got that in a chippy, you'd be like, fucking hell, top marks.

It stinks of dill. You going to have a bite? I've had a bite. Oh, he's had a bite. It's quite nice, yeah. Did it say it was hot and spicy? No, this is the dill one. Do you want me to taste the hot and spicy one?

No, no, no. I just wanted to know what that flavour was because I know there are three different types of dill, I guess, flavour. No, this is the dill one. Do you want me to taste the hot and spicy one? No, no, no. I just wanted to know what that flavour was because I know there are three different types of dill, I guess, flavour. No, no. No, this is the dill. Only one of them is dill and it's the Big Papa. Oh. Hearty dill pickle.

Oh. The sour sis is tart and tangy. And the mama. Right. It's a hot mama, isn't it? She's a hot mama, so that's the chilli one. Oh, okay. I just wanted to make sure.

So does it achieve what it says on the packaging? it hearty it's perfectly good pickle um but the flight the actual taste and texture was the least good thing about it the smell and the appearance were much stronger than the actual you know it's just more of a generic sort of dill pickle taste and texture texture isn't fantastic not very crisp you could slice it up though I guess lovely in a burger lovely, sliced so you could basically, you get a burger if your burger hasn't got enough pickle on it grab one of these from the truck stop after you've been

to the burger place and just shove that in your gob that's the end of the segment Paul or you could use the packaging like a monkey fucks a frog also did you see that gorilla that was wiping its arse with a baby

gorilla? You need to come off the internet right now. Did you see that, Ash? That's the end of Cheap Eats Remote Edition. That's the end. We're moving on. So we're doing something a bit different on Cheap Show this week. We thought we'd perform a play.

That'd be nice. Use our acting skills. Eli, you like acting, don't you? Shut up. What? That was a genuine, come on, rallying the troops thing. Yeah, fuck off. I think you're an excellent actor. I've seen two films you've been in. One I've watched, and the other one I watched you perform while it was happening. Oh yeah, because

you stole my role in Ashen's movie and I'll never forgive you. I did what? Nothing. Right. Yeah, like a bit of acting me, Paul. You're right, so here we go.

I don't know what my favourite role of yours is, whether it's Volkswagen Santa. I don't want to discuss this, actually. What do you reckon is your best advert performance? It's probably an ad that no one saw that I did for Spanish Vodafone. Oh. This was one that was shooting outside Madrid, and I overslept and missed my plane.

Wow. How professional. To get there or to get home? To get there. And how did you still get in the advert? They needed someone to do it. You know what I mean? They couldn't just fire me then.

They had to get another plane. The next plane. For the shots he wasn't there for, they just slapped a wig on a pig and said action. What? So anyway, Eli, I was saying we both like a show called On Cinema. Yeah. Yeah, I like it. Yeah.

Yeah. And it's written by and performed by two comedians in the US called Tim Heidecker and Greg Turkington. That's right. Do you want me to keep backing up what you say? Yes, would you please keep backing up what I say? You know, with a yeah or sure thing, mate. Okay, will do.

Just be a bit professional and a bit supportive. Okay, good. Will do. Yeah. And yet I'm meant to believe in your acting skills on the basis of that. Sure will. Sure will, will make good one yeah you squatty toilet troll right yeah so we're gonna do it yeah good i am yeah i am you know minute by minute of this recording my my enthusiasm and hope has been ebbing away yeah mate of course. Of course. Will do. Yeah. Stop it. Okay, will do. Yeah. Stop it. Yeah.

Will do. Stop. Stop it. Yeah. Ash, you understand, don't you? I'm enjoying just listening to you two rubbing against each other. Good stuff. So let's cack on. Crack on. Crack on. Crack on, crack on. Cack on. Cack on, cack off.

I don't know if I can actually do anything today. You can do it. Let's do it. Let's cack on each other. So to boil this down, Eli eli ash and myself are going to perform a thing called marion's wish which was published by tim heidecker great turkish and mock prosch and it's a lovely thing they would send each other to text as a chatty thing between the three of them in private and they decide to release their threads of text as a playlet

and so this is called marion's wish shall i read the foreword which might put a bit more clarification on this whole process? Sure, and if you think it's too boring, you can take it out afterwards, can't you? So here's the foreword. For the past seven years or so, Greg, Mark and I have a text thread going that has brought me more laughter and joy than anything...

More joy than most anything... Other form of media I can... Jesus Christ. Than most anything other form of media I can recall. More laughter and joy than most any... That's a wonky sentence. Anything other...

Yeah, he's written that wrong. That's terrible. Most anything other form of media I can recall. No, that's an Americanism, isn't it? That's... Is it? That's an Americanism. The more joy and laughter,

the most anything... Anything other form... No, yeah, you're right. The most any other. There's a thing. There's a thing that shouldn't be there. The most any other form of media I can recall. Yes.

Right, let's forgo the four words. Love it. I love this podcast. So based on their text back and forth, they created this narrative. So I'll be playing the role of Tim, Eli will be playing the role of Greg, and Ash will be playing the role of Mark.

Hello, I'm Mark. The lights are going down at Cheap Show Theatre, the audience is settling, and I believe we're about to begin. Let's go live now over to Cheap Show Theatre for the performance of Marion's Wish. APPLAUSE 752 p.m april 3rd 2020 hey mark marion how, granddaughter of Mo Howard, wants to Skype with you. She is 57 and has a mental illness. FYI.

She wants to see your shiny bald head on her computer. What say you? She will pay you $800 for 20 minutes of your time 8 0 8 p.m mark nice way to earn some quick pocket change exclamation mark mo was my favorite stooge exclamation mark be sure and ask her where Mo is buried. Would love to find out. 8.55pm. Mark, Daryl has some nude photos of, presumably, close brackets, Mo Howard,

that he would like authenticated. Could you show them to Marion and ask her if they are Mo or not? 10.01pm. How does she even know about me? Who cares? Can I send Amos over to drop off the photos? Thanks, Greg, but I'd rather not see the photos. I'm just more interested in having a conversation with Marion. You don't have to look at Mo's dick. Just show the pics to Marion and let her decide if it's him or not. 10.06pm. Mark, Marion wants to Skype with you tomorrow 8am. She wants to have a virtual breakfast.

She has some images of Mo she wants to show you. What kind of images? Greg, the images are very private. What images? Of Mo. Ah, cool. Mario will be on as well. Marion. Mario.

Marion or Mario? Have you guys either one of you got the Larry Fine sauna pigs? Would pay big bucks. Mark, Mario will be recording the event for prosperity. Posterity. What did I say? Something else. Say it again.

Hang on. Mark, Mario will be recording the event for posterity. No, posterity. Posterity Posterity Mark, Mario will be recording the event For Posterity Posterity What's your problem?

Come on man Posterity Posterity Yes Come on, man. Do it one more time. Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. Posterity. Yeah? Posterity. Yes. Mark, Mario will be recording the event for posterity. No, I'll say that one again.

That was shit. Go on. Ready? Mark, Mario will be recording the event for posterity Mario Walters, he is Barbara Walters' grand-nephew and a fine videographer Oh, okay, cool Daryl knows Mario and can vouch for him

No need Marion Howard is very interested to possibly sell the footage to an online site The show will be called Breakfast with Mark and Marion. Awesome, right? Yeah, pretty neat. Mark, get a lot of sleep tonight. You have to be up early and be ready

for the big show. Okay, looking forward to it. How will I contact her? Can you send five to ten images of your body tonight so Marion can use for some titles? No, Mario. It's Mario, Paul.

Oh, that's the fucking problem. Hang on. It's me doing all the fuck-ups. I know. I'm sorry. Can you send five to ten images of your body tonight so Mario can use for some titles? 10.20pm.

Mark, when can I expect those images? Mark, Mario has a gun to my head. He wants the pictures now. What pictures? Please send pictures of your body. Like, now. What does that have to do with the Three Stooges? Sorry Mark, I over-promised. Tim, I could send some of Mark that Daryl has if that helps you. Just toilet cam stuff though. Yeah, anything to keep Mario off my ass.

What toilet cam? Old toilet cam stuff from your office days. Help me Mark. Come on, be a friend. Get me pics of your body. Okay, we'll send over 1,500 to 2,500 pics. Oh, right. Then there'll be no more problems with Marion. Drop box. Got it. Thanks. Save my ass. 10.48pm.

Unfortunately, we'll have to postpone the breakfast show tomorrow. I have received word that Marion Howard has just fell down some stairs and has suffered a concussion. Oh, no. That's awful. Is she okay? She was so excited to chat, she just tumbled down the stairs, apparently. Has an awful gash on her face now.

So sad. Jeez. That's awful. Ah, will you record a special message for her? Wish her near well. Of course. Tim, I heard that Marion died. Maybe just a rumour?

Amos heard it a couple of minutes ago from Tim. Not you, Tim Smith. I hope it's not true. I really wanted to chat with her. Mark, if it turns out to be true, let's put together a memorial event. No. Tim Smith can be unreliable. I should have known. No worries. The gash was bad. So is the headroom.

Headwound. The headroom in her car. Paul, that's the gag line. You can't fuck that one up. She's doing the whole, the gash was bad and so is the headwound. It's funny. So don't fuck it up. No worries. The gash was bad and so is the head wound. It's funny, so don't fuck it up. No worries. The gash was bad, and so was the head wound. They're placing it in a medically induced coma just to be safe. Mario is with her. Will she be able to ID the nude pics of Moe? Is her vision blurred?

Those were the images she wanted to show Mark. The same ones Daryl has. Mario is texting me now. Hang on. The ones where Mo has a hard-on. Hang on. Mario has said she is on live support. Mario is asking what we should do.

Hi, Marion. Mark here. Just heard about your accident. Really sorry to hear about it. Hoping that we can schedule in that breakfast soon. So get well and we'll have a lovely chat. Mark, what should Mario do? Mark, Mario thinks he should take her off life support. What do you think he should do?

How the fuck should I know? I've never met the woman. Mark, don't do it. Let her have a chance. Keep her on it. Okay, thank you. Mario says that as well. Okay. What's wrong with him? Why ask me?

Mario's just stressed out. He's going to be in touch tomorrow to go over Marion's last wishes if she passes away. Mark, time for you to take your head out of your arse and actually do something here. You take your head out of your arse, Greg. Why is he relying on me so much? I don't know him, do I? No. Mario is an oddball, but Marion trusts him. It's all good. Mark, you don't need to be so

aggressive right now. Show some maturity, please. Do you want to see the curly autopsy pics? Mark, this is confidential, but Marion wants you and Mario to manage Moe Howard's intellectual property. Not Three Stooges stuff, but his personal photography. Okay, Tim.

Let's just pray she lives through the night. Greg attaches a graphic black and white gif of a forehead being pulled away from the skull. Mark, would you like to see Curly's brain or Larry's arse? You choose. No, Greg. Greg attaches another black and white gif of a hand touching a brain in a school. Greg posts a picture of a fair man's butt. Not interested Greg, neither. Oh sorry, I thought you meant both. I will withdraw these pics. April 4th 2020, 10.39am. Hey Mark, any interest in visiting Curly Joe's last residence later today with Daryl, Adam, Amos and Coral?

The guy who lives there now has agreed to let us in. Why is Adam going? He's changed a lot, Mark. He now wants to spend his time enjoying life with friends rather than fighting and provoking violence. Bad news, I won't be able to make this. Dealing with funeral arrangements for Marion. Mark, has Mario reached out? Tim, can you do both?

This is our only chance to get inside Curly Joe's old house. No, but take videos. Mark, where are you with Mario? Sad about Marion, but life must go on. No, she hasn't passed yet. Mario wants to prepare for the worst. Mark, have you got back to Mario? He is freaking out.

What does he want me to do? I have no idea, mate. You better look... Start again. Hang on, here we go, here we go. I have no idea, but you better help out with this... I have no...

Fucking hell, why can't I read? Jesus. Right. Shut up so I can get recording. Sorry. I'm sorry. Can you get... Sorry, guys.

Sorry. Right. Here we go. I have no idea Just Help out with the Stooge community Or they'll come for your head No you fucked that

You fucked it You fucked it totally Paul You better help out Or the Stooge community Will come for your head You better help me Help out Or

The Stooge community Will come for your head Yeah Or is Or is the important word there, isn't it? I have no idea. You better help out, or the Stooge community will come for your head.

Tell him to call me. He's called you several times. Why does he need my help? He doesn't know what to do with Marion's body. If in the event she does pass. Hopefully she'll be okay. I guess he just wants to talk. Hope you agree. Tell him to ask you. I don't even know the guy. I tried that. Mark, Google stooge family funeral planning and work something up. Should take you no time at all. Nothing came up. Call Funeral Parlours and get into it,

man. Do you need me to wipe your arse too? Why do I have to do this? Why doesn't Mario? I have no idea. Oh, Marion is up and about. Can you do the skipper with her tomorrow? Skype. She's fit as a fiddle, my man. Except for

her gash. Sure. Would love to. Glad to hear she's doingash. Sure. Would love to. Glad to hear she's doing better. Great. Same deal as tomorrow, without all the drama. Laughing, crying emoji. Just heard from Tim Smith that Mario has passed. No, that was a miscommunication from Mario to the wrong Tim. Regarding wrong information on Mario.

Marion. Mario. Tim says Marion has passed. No. Tim Smith. Mario said Mario has passed, but that wasn't what happened. Tim said Mario passed. Marion, not Mario.

Oh, Marion. Sorry. Auto-correct. Tim, did Mario pass? Sorry, that was meant for Tim Smith. No, no one is gone. Tim says Marion is gone. No, that was meant for Tim Smith. No, no one is gone. Tim says Marion is gone. No, both are healthy at the moment. Mario was just released from the hospital. Marion, Tim doesn't know shit about this.

Wait, is this Tim Smith texting? No, this is a group text. Okay, thanks. I'll let everyone know Mario passed. What? Hey fellas, bad news! Mario has passed. Sorry, Marion, not Mario. She was 89. Confirmed by Tim. No I didn't send that. Tim Smith, he got word just now.

Look Tim is mistaken, I just spoke with Marion. Sorry, Mario. It's still you. Right. It's your line, Paul. I've got one more line. I just zoned out. I was sitting there waiting for it. I keep thinking the phone keeps cutting out Here we go

Here we go He just spoke with Mario When? Mario passed only four minutes ago Tim was there I'm on the phone with Mario now He says all is well Who's Tim Smith's? Tim Smith is messing with you Tim was there. I'm on the phone with Mario now. He says all is well.

Who's Tim Smith's? Tim Smith is messing with you. Marion passed, not Mario. Marion passed? Yes, sadly. No. My computer froze when I was scrolling and I hoped it would come up in time. Sorry.

I couldn't scroll fast enough to it. Marion passed? Yes, sadly. No. Confirmed by Tim. Tim Smith is a prank caller. You said she was dying. No, unfortunately Greg is being pranked.

Not very funny. She was fine until she passed. Mario is resting. Marion. Mario? I will ask Tim if he's pulling my leg. Tim Smith. Bad news.

Tim was indeed pulling my leg earlier. He just received word that Mario has actually died for real. That's good news. No, Marion did just die. Jesus! Literally on the phone with Mario now. She is with Marion. Marion?

Mario. Tim said he died, Tim. She is alive. It was touch and go, but alas, the Grim Reaper had his way. R.I.P. Mario. Sorry, Marion. The services will be tomorrow in Manhattan Beach. Sorry Tim you have bad info. Mario is dead. Yes Tim is with the family now. It's the worst thing that could have happened. Mark. Tim really cared for Marion. Though it's

also possible Tim made it all up. Tim Smith is a sick guy. Mario is not answering calls. guy. Mario is not answering calls. Maybe if Mark calls her, she might answer for him. I spoke to Mario. Marion. She is fine. And that was at 1.15 to date. Tim Smith just texted a grim bit of news

from Marion's caretaker, Ava. Marion passed away at 1.48 PM. I don't trust Tim, but I do trust Ava. Just heard from Ava via Tim Smith. Marion is fine. It was Mario who passed away unexpectedly. Heart attack. 206pm. He was very stressed regarding Marion's funeral preparations.

Yes, apparently it was too much to bear. How is Marion? She's recovering. Mark, she wants to give you some of Moe's memorabilia. Hang on. I'll do it again. Son of a... Shut up. Right, here we go.

Have you got like a really small computer screen? This is why. This is why I didn't do Stuart's film. For this exact reason. Right. She's recovering. Mark. She wants to give you some of Moe's memorabilia.

No. I've said that wrong as well. Some Moe memorabilia. There's no of. You're putting an of in. Shut up. Mark. Mark.

She wants to give you some Mo memorabilia. Any more nudes? I don't have information on that. Mark. Marion passed away this evening from an unrelated illness. Tomorrow's session is cancelled. That's awful. Marion and Marion are now together

on heaven, Mark. Mark, Mario was going to handle Marion's funeral but now he's gone. His son Alan is handling it now. So can you help arrange Mario's funeral? Tim Smith tells me that the Mario who was in Marion's life was an imposter. He was trying to pilfer her Moe souvenirs.

The real Mario has been in Alaska for four weeks working on a huge land sale. Tim heard from him today. He was very upset someone impersonated him. Honestly, I was a little sceptical because the real Mario is not as hefty as the one who died. Marion had put on weight recently. Sadly, Marion was too mentally ill to be able to communicate to anyone the scam. But she must have known. Tim isn't to be trusted on this. Mark, can you arrange funerals?

Sorry, just funeral for Marion. Marion's son is handling his. I just don't know what to think. Marion and Marion were very close, Mark. Tim Smith was a witness to that. Marion wanted to be buried next to Marion. I do believe the real Marion is still alive and mourning the loss of Marlowe in Genoa, Alaska. Mario is alive. Mark, Marion wanted you to have this stuff. Please pick up by noon tomorrow or you'll be charged a storage fee.

10.41pm Mark, the funeral parlour is getting impatient with you. Please call Marlow at Forest Lawn. She's the account rep for the cadaver. This is becoming a big problem, Mark. No one knows what to do with Mario's body. Maroons. Marians.

How the hell should I know what to do with it? You said Mario. But first call Mario at the funeral home. He died! They're waiting to hear from you. Mario made you the Apparative Attorney. Mario's dead! Marion is dead. Oh, why did he do that?

He didn't, she did. Why isn't Mario the POA? Huh? He died? Mario? Is this Tim Smith? No, she made you in charge.? Mario? Is this Tim Smith? No, she made you in charge. Of Mario? No, of Marion's. Her will.

Who died? Mario. Marion. Oh, no. Both have gone. That's terrible. Call Mario at Forest Lawn Cemetery tomorrow. I loved her husband.

OK. Mario may be alive, Mark. The Mario may be a fake. Marlo at Forest Lawn can check and see if Mario has a moe tattoo to the right of his balls on his leg. If not, it's not Mario. Call Marlo and ask her. I'm not asking that. I trust you, Tim, that you have the correct information about Marion's passing.

Sorry, that was meant for Tim Smith. Mario has been cremated. Is Smith still in this chain? Tim is on this chain. Smith or Heidecker? Heidecker. I can add Tim Smith if you like. He could clear this all up. No, don't. I can add Tim Smith if you like. He could clear this all up. No, don't. Tim loved Mo, Mark.

Hi, Decker. I'll call Forrest Lawn about Mario and Marion. Mario is not Mario. It's an imposter, and the real Mario is in Alaska. Mark, you need to do five things tomorrow. Contact Mario at Cemetery. Arrange for ball bursars. Get a video of Mo's career. Send out a statement to the Stooge community. This fake Mario stole Mario's identit.

Also, alert the Fine family. Fake Mario stole from Marion. Jason Fine, Larry's grandson, will want to hear from you. Jason Fine is a goddamn liar. He is not Larry's grandson. His real name is Lawrence Marino, not Fine. His mother was Larry's daughter, correct? Marino conspired with the Mario to steal precious Moe nudes. I'll call Forrest Fine tomorrow. Thank you, Mark. Send dick pics as well when you can.

What do dick pics have to do with anything? To confirm it's really you. Don't worry about it. I just thought it would be a nice gesture. Mark, pray for Marion's family tonight. Mark, Mario, the real Mario, wants to meet with you when he returns from Alaska to share memories of his beloved Marion.

You'll love these stories. The fake Mario's ashes should be flushed down the toilet guys what a scammer say that last line again because it needs to be more of a kind of end point I think okay I'll do the whole last speech again if you want yeah because you're ending it basically with that it kind of needs to sound finite

that's not fuck off I know. Come on. Fuck me up, though, Paul. Don't you see it fucks me up because I'm trying to follow what you say and then you put the like...

I'll fuck you up. Fucking hell. Finite. So it sounds finite as opposed to infinite. Of course it's not infinite. Fucking hell. Sounds like it's finishing.

Is that what you meant to say? Yeah? Do you want to just fucking finish the thing? Do you want to just finish it? All right, I'll fucking finish it. Are you ready? Finite. Limited in size or extent.

Yeah. Having a specific tense, number or person. So, you said... It's still valid. Just do your fucking line. So what did you say to me? You said, try and do that line again and make it sound like it's finite. More finite.

By that definition of what you've just read out to me, what on earth are you fucking on about? Come on, do your last bit and we can all go home. Marion's family all died. The Howards. Mark, Mario, the real Mario, wants to meet with you

when he returns from Alaska to share memories of his beloved Marion. You will love these stories. The fake Mario's ashes should be flushed down the toilet, guys. What a scammer. What? And that brings us to the end of another Cheap Show Week. We hope you've had fun with me, Eli and Ash. Have you had fun, boys?

Yeah, in a way. Ash, let's promote stuff you do. What are you up to, me mate, good friend, entertainment buddy? I'm literally doing nothing but the podcast I do with Justin Panks at the moment called Pranks and Firth. I presume all your listeners listen. I presume so. Because I don't think we'd have a listenership without them. But do, if you don't, go and listen.

It's just me and him talking. He comes up with some conspiracy theories that are always good fun. He's not talking about 5G at the moment or anything like that, is he? He's talking about that, but he doesn't believe these things. Good. I don't want the idea of you working with another Amos Holmes. What's his name?

Amos Holmes. Amos Holmes. No. He comes up with Anus Holmes he's Anus Holmes one of your characters Paul do you have to stop wow

my brain not work my brain not work Anus Holmes so so Ash sorry where can they find that podcast it's everywhere

it's on Spotify it's on Stitcher it's on Audible it's on podcast? It's everywhere. It's on Spotify. It's on Stitcher. It's on Audible. It's on Acast. It's everywhere. It's not on Audible. It's everywhere. I made it up.

It's not on Audible. I meant Acast. But, yeah, do listen. When he comes up with these conspiracy theories, they fall apart with any kind of thread pulling. But I enjoy it. I just let him go. And he goes and he's got some great ones about aliens

putting some sort of fungus in our brains. They're great. I love them. I think an alien put fungus in my fucking brain this week. I smoke fungus. You what? I smoke mushrooms. Good. Right. So, Eli, on Twitter, where can they find you? Eli Snoid, E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D.

I'm at PaulGannonShow and you can follow us on Twitter where can they find you Eli Snoid I'm at Paul Gannon Show And you can follow us on Twitter as a podcast On at the Cheap Show Pod And also if you want any Merch if you want to buy any of the magazines That Cheap Show has If you want to vote you can now Vote in the Cheap Show 2020 Awards

All you've got to do is go to our website Thecheapshow.co.uk there are links all over The front page that will take you to the voting page for the awards, to the merch page, to Event's fantastic magazine, Cheap Show magazine online shop. And what else? Oh yeah, my book.

If you want to help me support... What is it I'm doing? Unbound. Yeah, I'm writing a book and I'm doing it through Unbound. That means I have to raise the money. Based on this week's podcast, I can't wait to read it i can't wait to can't wait to attempt to read it no reading it's going to be fine i just want to be able to do the audiobook version it's going to be the first book that is put together like a jigsaw where all the words are going to be in there you've just got to try and work them out listener and try and piece them together into

some sort of book yeah basically i'm making a word jumble. So if you want to hear a spooky word jumble book, you can support me, unbound.com forward slash books forward slash ghosts and donate anything you like. And also, if you're feeling if you're feeling flush, our Patreon.com forward slash cheap show page will allow you to help support this podcast with any donation you feel appropriate. And that's it. What are you going to do tonight, boys? I'm going to have a bath, the highlight of my bloody day. After having a poo. I've received some comics.

Well, I've just finished Luigi's Mansion 3 and I can't recommend it enough. I'm replaying Super Mario 3D World from the beginning and collecting every minute. Why? I gave you some brand new games to play with. All right, I'll play them. What are you playing on, Eli?

Yeah, otherwise I could be having fun with... Oh, you know what? I can't fucking speak. I'm just done. I'm bored. My brain keeps literally shutting down mid-sentence. Let's stop then. And I'm sitting next to the radiator with my dressing gown on

and I'm sweating buckets. So that's what I'm fucking doing tonight. Ash, thank you for joining us this week. We'll get you back real soon. I'll be back whenever you have me. I'm very, very available. Ash Frith. Anyone who follows me, I say this, if you follow me

and ask me a question, I will answer the first question you ask truthfully and wholeheartedly well that's a lawsuit waiting to happen so by all by all means support that that's all for us this week on cheap show have fun boys and girls ladies and gentlemen but guys and dolls oh now then now then that was about that then bye bye don't want to say bye either of you bye I love you bye I did say bye fuck shut up seems fair I didn't hear it

you've got a fat mouth you've got a fucking fat mouth I do my mouth are like your hands right I'm stopping this goodbye yeah I'm stopping this as well I'm going to just carry on talking to myself.

I'm carrying on. I'm carrying on.