CheapShow - Ep 175: Choose Your Own Misadventure

Episode Date: April 24, 2020

If you would like to listen to a funny, odd economy comedy podcast... Turn to Page 69. If you would like to carry on living in silent ignorance... Turn to Page 13! That's right, this week on CheapShow we take a quick dive into the world of "Choose Your Own Adventure" books. Allowing children to escape into a story where they control the outcome, Paul and Eli reminisce about their own memories of the books and look back at the UK "Fighting Fantasy" stories too. In order to see how Eli would fair, Paul casts him into an online CYOA adventure of his own... ...And a there's a Tales from the Shop Floor about poop too. Which is nice! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-175-choose-your-own-misadventure If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! AWARDS: Vote Now @projectcheapsk8 www.tinyurl.com/cca2020vote MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Paul is writing a book! Want to help make it happen? https://unbound.com/books/ghosts/

Hello, ladies and gentlemen, it's another week in a remote episode of Cheap Show. I'm Paul Gannon. And I'm Eli Silverman. Hi, remotely. Hi, everyone. How are things with you, Eli? Are things groovy? No, no. Groovy? Why? Because... You've got to put a smile on, haven't you?

In tough times, you've got to come together and you've got to put on a smile, put on a smile. Paul, I've been having an idea about that to cheer everyone up. Yeah. You know, people are doing a lot of sponsored stuff to support the NHS

and things like that. Yeah. Hear me out. Yeah. When you say hear me out, I worry. Go on. Thwop it.

A thwoppage marathon, basically. That's it, you know. I see how many times I can... Go, go, go.. A thwoppage marathon, basically. That's it, you know. I see how many times I can thwop it, you know. I'll thwop it all over the flat. And people sponsor per thwop, you know. Per thwop. Now, we need to really think about what constitutes a thwop.

It's when you get your whole junk out and you thwop it onto something. Yeah, but thwop it, does it have to make a sound? That's the sound it makes. Yeah, but what I'm saying is you couldn't do it on a pillow, for example. You can't thwop it on a pillow. Pillow, that's something else. That's soft nusslage now we're into. That's a lovely soft nusslage.

I mean, I'll do that as well. True. I'll go thwop in the kitchen, come in the bedroom, soft nusslage. But what about a dog's head? What about a dog's head? Can you thwop it on a dog's head? Anyway, welcome to Cheap Show. Welcome to Cheap Show, everybody.

I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap Show Cheap Show It's the price of shite Paul Gannon Eli Silverman. Welcome to Cheat Show. And a go and a nuzzle.

So yes, here we are. How are you? Ladies and gentlemen, the Economy Comedy Podcast, where me and Eli go for the bargain bins, the charity shops, the pound lands and beyond of Great Britain and bring the treasure that we find amongst the trash to your ears. Ah. Ah, lovely. I'm just trying to think what I've got to hand here, Paul. Have you got a source report, mate? We're desperate.

You're desperate for a source report? I need a source report here. All right. Do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do. Salsa picante. Oh, that's very fancy. Well, that just means hot sauce report hit. All right. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Salsa picante. Oh, that's very fancy. Well, that just means hot sauce in Spanish. No, well, I know, but it's nice that we're bilingual.

I had bought some salsa picante tamazula. Ooh, baby. And I tried it. It's got one of those little... You know the way Tabasco has a very narrow... Spout. A narrow spout? A narrow spout, so you can control the droppage. A thin shaft.

Yes. So you can sort of just really control how many drops on there. I'm not thinking about a bottleneck, am I? Yeah. Do you know what I'm thinking? You're thinking about me dribbling out the end of my cock. Yeah. Right. Tamazula. I love thinking? You're thinking about me dribbling out the end of my cock. Yeah. Right.

Tamazula. I love the name. Thwop drip. It was a very nice sauce. What, the thwop drip? No. Also, I've got a Mexican buffalo style sauce there, which I haven't tasted. I tasted the Tamazula.

So, it's a Mexican take on a butterfly. Buffalo. Yeah. Buffalo, which we covered last week, actually, which was the source invented for chicken wings in Buffalo, New York. Yes. But it's gone all over the world. Because I ate some yesterday, actually.

I've got some Turkish Chipotle. Right. What makes it turkish it was from turkey it was manufactured in turkey oh okay so it's fundamentally the same thing it's just from a turkish company yes but right i don't want no more no come on come on i don't want anymore no i'm done it's not like the source of The source report is not over until the fat lady sings, okay? Right? Yeah. So I don't hear the fat lady.

Do you hear the fat lady? I do not hear the fat lady singing, nor do I see one nearby. Well, the source report will finish then, right? Unless the fat lady chirps up, yeah? Right. Oh, who's this? Oh, who's this new character walking in? Oh, no this Oh it's Who's this new character Walking in

Oh no Oh Oh I have So Right That's the end of the Source report Paul

Well that means Bye Bye Bye She's off now Don't call her fat That must mean the Segment's over

Don't call her the Fat lady to her face Say call her the Nice lady to her face. Say, call her the nice lady. I didn't. Right. Oh, no. This woman spells it P-H-A-T.

So, you know, it's more like cool. Yeah. It's like the fat lady. Yeah. It's like that. It's a spin on it. Okay. Well, the source report was curtailed.

But, you know, at least it was for the right reason. It was for the right reasons. So, do you want to know what we're doing on the show today mr silverman i'd like some kind of guidance because uh you know i've got to know what to uh what to say and stuff like that prepare for yeah right well here's what's coming up on the show today at 10 we speak to the queen on her birthday and say, what do you want for your birthday? No, we don't. We're not speaking to the queen. At 10.30, we get down and dirty with Madonna live in the studio.

She'll be releasing her latest hot track and dropping it on our show. Yeah. At 12, dogs. You're such a dick. You're always dogs, innit? But at 11, but 11 before 12,

we insert. What? You insert what? A dog. Insert a dog up Madonna's fudge. No.

My idea was going to be called Thwop or Cop where it's like you have to touch your penis and one of them's a man and one of them's a policeman. And you have to tell from the... From the helmet. Good, good, good Paul. Very good.

You know what, sometimes I look at the comments on the reviews on iTunes or the comments on Twitter Who say A hilarious podcast All about Cocks and spunk And poos

And I go We've got to be more than that I know But we're not Oh well So no Actually coming up On the show today

We are doing A Tales from the Shop floor We're not going to Do some of those in a while. And it's time we dove into the bag, the mail bag, and got one out. Absolutely. Well, and you've got one selected, have you, for us? I do have one selected.

And then in a kind of take on Ganon's Golden Games, we're going to be discussing Choose Your Own Adventure stories and talking about them somewhat today. Maybe even playing a little one. about i'm up for that i've got lots of stamina points and i've got excellent magic bollocks rattle the magic bollocks explain well roll a d20 yeah what did you get oh you mean you want me to roll an imaginary one well i, I can't see you, so yeah. All right, I'm going to roll one. Here we go.

It's in my hand. Rolling it. Seven. Right, I'll look that up. Hang on. I'll just get the old book out. The old Dungeon Master book. That's it.

I've got to go to the magic bollocks table. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Seven. Magic items. Go, Nads. Yeah. Seven. Seven are old, yeah.

Oh, yeah. You haven't managed to get the threshold magic level for the bollocks to be activated. So have I been defeated by the bollocks? No, the bollocks weren't. They were just a magic thing. You've got to, you know, get them going

and you did it. Oh, so like you've got to like build up the magic in the bollocks. Well, it says... And then you can release the magic. It says it. It says it.

Let me get this straight. Yeah. I have to massage my blue magic balls until I can release the magic. Yes. By rolling a d20. But you didn't...

And 10 and over... 10 and over. 10 and over. I'll tell you what would have happened. The magic would have come out of the bollocks. Right out. All the way out the end. Alright, well, there we go. We've made some

light of the idea of playing a roleplay game. Well done, Mr. Tillman. Thank you. Well done. Okay. Yeah, that's two minutes of content. How much longer? That is two minutes. No, that's it. We're going to move on. Well, it's time for the show where we delve into the Cheap Show Mailbag and we pull out

one of your letters and read it out. Oh, okay. To be fair, there is quite a lot of tales from the shop floors I've got to get round to, of different types and styles, some scat-based, some spunk-based, some sick-based, some just wry observations. Okay, well, what type are we having today? Scat.

Okay, good. It's been a while, so I thought we'd dive right in. Yeah, go on, hit me with the scat Right, well, if anyone would like to send An email to us for anything Not just to tell us from the shop floor Please get in touch Thecheapshowatgmail.com

Oh, and before I forget We've had two entries already Which is great for the Eurovision Song Contest Okay, but just cover this Cover again what the Eurovision Song Contest is We, but just cover this, cover again what the Eurovision Eurovision Song Contest is. We're going to do our own Eurovision Song Contest

knock-off, where basically people can send us an audio track of about a minute, a minute and a half of a song that they've written, and then me, you, Ash, maybe Biffo, will judge it just like Eurovision, like N'il Poi, or Santé, Santé, or whatever it is, I don't know.

Sante Sante. And then there's a winner, and that winner will win a prize, I don't know, probably. Could they perhaps win that weird picture of me and you? Yeah, that's a good idea. We'll sign it, and we'll fill it full of our own man fluid. No, we won't. Stop.

Stop. Stop talking about spunk. I'm sick of spunk. No, he won't. Stop. Stop. Stop talking about spunk. I'm sick of spunk. Well, anyway. So we've had a few questions about length and things like that. Yeah, again, ideally a minute and a minute and a half because we get a fair few. I want to get through loads of them.

And also, I don't want to listen to hours of music. No, no. Also, the other thing I wanted to point out was some people have been asking, can I do covers of popular hits? And I'm just going to go no, because one, that means it's not your song, and two, it means it might kick off copyright things if I host it on YouTube, etc. Just like the real Eurovision Song Contest, Paul,

we want original songs only. We want original compositions, stuff that you've made yourself We don't want your version of Nights in Black Satin Or whatever it's called With funny lyrics

What's that song? Nights in Black Satin Who is it by? Moody Blues Proctal Harm The Moody Blues Proctal Harm Proctal Harm. Proctal Harm? The Moody Blues. Proctal Harm.

Proctal Harm. Proctal Harm, yeah. By Proctal Harm. Now, Paul, you said... Was I right? No, I just told you who it was. Moody Blues. Moody Blues. Now, what was their most famous song, arguably?

Well, that one. Go Now. Black Saturn? Go Now. What? Go Now? Go... Yeah. All right that one. Go now. Black Saturn. Go now. What? Go now? Yeah. All right, bye.

No. Paul, I've had some questions. You said that with the Eurovision Song Contest, we've had a lot of questions about length. Yeah. Oh, he's gone. Paul well Paul lonely

he's gone go now I said and he's gone he's done a fake walkout I know you're there right I think just calls for let's think who's the least popular character I've ever done that Paul really hates, Inchman he could come back couldn't he do you want to come in yeah just what's that what's that Do you want to come in? Yeah, just...

What's that? What's that? What? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? What?

What? What? Hello? Paul? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?

You back, are you? Hello? No. What the fuck, man? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? You're back, are you? Hello? No. What the fuck, man? Hello? Can you stop mucking around? I had something very serious to say. All right, go on.

What is it? We had, you said, with the Eurovision contest, we've had, Eurovision contest, we've had a lot of questions about... Yes. You said we've had a lot of questions about length. Yeah. Is this right? Well, a few questions about how long they want it and some people... How long they want it? It? Well, a few questions about how long they want it.

How long they want it? It was questions about length, and it's how long they want it. Well, let me tell you something, Paul. Let me tell you something. Let me tell you. Yeah. I've had a lot of questions about length.

Yeah? Yeah. And I know exactly how long they want it. Because they never get it. No. I know how long they want it. Because you're Inchman. Yes.

Here he is. Hello! Oh, fuck. it. No. I know how long they want it. Because you're Inchman. Yes. Here he is. Hello! Oh, fuck. Right. Hello. I've been conned. Right. Who wanted an inch?

You? I think Paul does, Mr. Inchman. Ask him. Hello, Mr. Paul. Hello. Do you want an inch? Why is Inchman like Basil Brush? I don't know what you're talking about. Hello, Mr. Paul.

Mr. Paul, do you want an inch? Why not give me an inch? All right. Ready? Just the one inch. Eli, just one inch, please. Okay, I'll tell him. One inch?

Mr. Inch Man. Yeah. All right. You want an inch? Yeah. We do want an inch, Mr. Inch Man, but could you just do the one inch because we've got to get on with the show

Alright If you're sure Inch That's it Yeah No you know what You are right It is one of your least popular characters

With me Quite considerably Well he's gone now Don't say it when he's in the room The depth Of which the character can go Is puddle based He can go

Is pud The depth to which the character can go is is puddle based he can go it is part the depth to which the character can go is puddle based yes there's nothing wrong with that statement at all yeah the depth to which that character can go is puddle based the puddle based depth yeah no nothing based depth yeah yeah so when you say as deep as the ocean you'd say ocean ocean ocean depth but based it's based it's ocean based oh like it's lake lake depth this is petri dish based length yeah there you go you see the opportunities are endless paul i think we should actually start the recording again because uh oh please we're gonna do tales from the shop floor where you send in your emails about tales from the shop floor maybe you work in a charity shop or a shop or any kind of business

and you've had quite the incident or a series of incidents leading to a firing. Yes. What's been your favourite story so far? It's very hard to pick a favourite, Paul, but like we've covered before, I like it when it's old people, perhaps getting nude, and there's also, I do like a bit of scat. I'm looking forward to this.

Well, let's find out what today's email's all about. I'm opening the email inbox and pulling out our email. Here's an email from Larry or Lummox60N. Okay, hello. Well, I'm going to wait until he says... If he says hello, we'll see if he says... He does say hello chaps at the start.

Chaps? Chaps. What is he, some kind of posh cunt? Nothing wrong with chaps, I say chaps sometimes Do you? Yes You know when I say chaps? When you're a grizzly bellend or something

Is it that? No, it's when I'm in a cowboy costume store And they ask me what I want I say chaps Absolutely excellent work Eli Absolutely brilliant They say, ah Mr Silver Absolutely excellent work, Eli. Absolutely brilliant. They say, ah, Mr. Silverman, nice to see you back again.

How can I help you? And I say, chaps. And then they say, all right, do you want the Christine Aguilera model? And I say, yes. And then you get your flaky, withered, dead rose-looking bell end out. And then you get your flaky withered dead rose looking bell end out. Flaky withered dead rose looking. Yeah. Wow.

Poetry. Poetry sometimes. Thank you. Thank you. Brilliant. The poetry of filth. So are you ready for today's story? Yeah. It's a bit of a long one, but we'll crack on. So hello chaps, having listened to

so many of your shows and being underwhelmed by the tales I've heard. Ooh. Ooh, you think he is? He's frowned down. Maybe this one won't live up. He's frowned down the gauntlet. Yeah, so if this doesn't measure up. Yeah, we'll be the judge of that.

Chaps. Yeah, we'll be the fucking judge of that. Chaps. Larry. Johnny. Chaps. Johnny Chaps. I've got a chap dick from when it's been rubbing. Yeah, we know we've made that gag. No, we haven't. Move on now. No, we haven't. Yes, we have. I've chafed. That was the whole

point of me... I've chafing. The point is, your penis is damaged goods, so let's just move on. Gossip chafe. Right. Right. Yeah. So he thought it would be time to throw down his own tale to us, so here we go. Okay.

Now, I work for a local authority that ought to remain nameless, but hey, it's the most northerly local authority in the UK. In the UK? Okay, so that includes Scotland, so it must be the Outer Hebrides. Oh, yeah, he lives on an island where he's king of ducks. Does he? In many... No, that was just me saying that for no reason.

He's the king of ducks. I didn't know they had a king. Yeah, well, they do now. What's he called? We have to appoint one, and it's him. Is he called... King of ducks. Larry, king of ducks. Is there no quack in there? So Larry, appoint one, and it's him. Is he called... King of Ducks. Larry King of Ducks.

Is there no quack in there? So, Larry Big Quacker King of Ducks, or something like that. Oh, it's... Officially speaking, it's Larry King of Ducks. The third? Quack oops. Okay. Good.

So... Sorry. Yeah. Good. No, good, Paul. Yeah. Right, let's just crack on. All right. So, in the many roles good, Paul. Yeah. Right, let's just crack on. All right.

In the many roles I've worked in over the years, I've had to deal with a fair few incidences of human doo-doo, including the strange case of the phantom shitter who chose to repeatedly shit outside the wall of a local graveyard. Yeah, it might have been a dog. Nobody ever caught them in their act of defecation, desecration. After all, probably a dog, though, isn't it? Why why you can tell immediately whether it's a dog poo or human poo or at least if you've got several examples can you tell the difference yeah if you were given

a dog's turd and a man's turd do you think you could tell the difference easily what would be the giveaway one would be shaped and colored and smell like a dog's turd, Paul. And the other... Do you mean like it's... You're saying it's got its own amplitude? Yeah. I remember being on... Amplitude. I remember being... Amplitude. Yes. I remember being on LSD and

we were walking around and my friend stepped in some dog shit and the smell was overwhelming and it felt like i felt like for an instant i felt like i was transported inside a dog's stomach oh kids don't use drugs very vivid well anyway i don't think i i don't think i could taste the difference probably not mate oh also sorry i know this is out of left field paul but crisps yeah right oh fucking hell round here yeah we can get all sorts of foreign crisps yeah and you get a lot

of lays right which as we know our walkers walkers are lays. My flatmate bought a packet of Lay's green onion flavour. Yeah? Right. What colour do you think the pack was? Blues Brothers? No. What? White. Blue... What? Blues Brothers? Because don't they sing green onions?

Oh, it's glass onion. What's that song? Oh, fuck. Green Onions? Oh, it's Glass Onion. What's that song? Oh, fuck. Green Onions. Green Onions. Is it by the Blues Brothers? Yeah. No, it's not by the Blues Brothers. It's just by them.

It's not by them, is it? It is. They did it originally. It's the biggest hit. They didn't do it originally, did they, Paul? Yeah, they did. I saw it in a film, so they did it first. Now, Paul, what colour do you think these Green Onion flavour leis, i.e. walkers, were?

White. Green. And do you know what shade of green it was? Light. The exact same shade of green that is used on their salt and vinegar product in this country. Oof. Just thought I'd say that. I'm just noticing stuff, you know?

I'm just noticing stuff about this all the time. I mean, I know we've had this discussion already, and I know you've drawn attention to it before we started recording, but Eli, I don't care. You don't care? I just don't care. I want to move on. All right.

All right. So what? Anyway. So, so far, Larry, with his, like, could-have-been-a-dog shit outside the graveyard, it's not exactly, you know, it's not lighting my fire, you know? All right, well, let's crack on. I want to see some scat in action.

I want scat in a place it shouldn't be. All right, well, let's crack on. I want scat maybe in his ear. Let's crack on, then. I'd like a story where someone slowly places the end of a poo into his earlobe. Right, lovely. Into his ear hole. Shove it up his ear his earlobe. Right, lovely. Into his ear hole. Shove it up his ear hole.

Go on. Right, here we go. Once you've got all that out of your system. Got it out of my system. So shit outside a wall graveyard might have been a dog. Nobody ever caught them. But as far as I'm aware, dogs don't actually wipe their own arses and leave a neat little fold of andrex over the steaming brown poo.

Ah! There you go. Yeah, there'srex over the steaming brown poo. Ah! There you go. Yeah, there's the mash in the bangers and mash. Yeah. There's the smoking gun. Yeah, if it's just mash. And do you know what? When I see that, when I see occasionally a human shit with some toilet paper by it,

it turns my stomach, Paul. It really does. Just the presence of poo-poo paper somehow makes the whole thing grosser. Do you know what I mean? It does, you're right. I don't know why. Yeah. Come on! However, the tailing question actually took place

a few years ago on a golf course in my town. A lovely nine-hole affair, sighted on a rocky outcrop which it shares with another graveyard and was at the time the local high school what was the path was what yeah now the golf course can i have that again it was like a rocky outcrop can i have that fucking sentence again please it's a lovely nine hole affair sighted on a rocky outcrop which it shares a golf course

where was he I mean first he's in a cemetery and then there's a golf course but that's what it's saying isn't it there's a golf course

in his town nine holes on a rocky outcrop which it shares with another graveyard and was at the time another local high school with two graveyards

in the graveyard was the local high school do you know what I mean I don't know what he's going on about Larry I don't know what he's going on about, Larry. I don't know what he's going on about. Oh, this letter's not going well, is it? Oh, no, wait there.

And also near this area was a public toilet. The course had a path around it, which is well used by dog walkers, joggers and tourists. It was a beautiful morning of calm weather. The sun was shining. The school was opening for its first day back after Christmas hogman-y, and myself and a couple of colleagues had been tasked with emptying their

little bin... emptying the little bin... the little bin... the litter bins... Don't start this, don't! Please don't start. With emptying the little, little bins... for the day. We jumped out of our vehicle and proceeded to empty a cluster of bins at the viewpoint, overlooking a portion

of the golf course. There were joggers on the go and dog walkers, everyone out cleansing their souls after a fortnight of festive revelry. Buses were bringing a throng of miserable children to the school along the road, which also overlooks the golf course. And there, down on the path, we could see what we thought

was a couple walking alongside us. Where do you think it's going at this midway point? Sex. You think it's going to be a dirty one? There's going to be

some coprophilic sex, There's going to be two people rocking in the graveyard with schools of bus kids. No, I reckon... Learning valuable

new lessons. Two coprophiles all getting naked and smearing each other with their shit on a gravestone. All right, well, let's find out. So the couple walking towards us, nothing really looked special to note, we thought.

But as we threw the contents of the bins into the back of the truck, the male in this couple stops and steps off the path towards the wall between the course and the quite steep cliffs beyond no matter we collectively thought he's maybe just going to take in the view maybe he got a new camera for christmas until he removed his trousers maybe he's got shorts on underneath those jeans maybe setting off for a jog he folds his jeans and drapes them neatly over the top of What is going on up there? He must have had to have gone. Like, there was no other recourse.

Still, if you have to go, you don't take your trousers off. That seems to me, it seems almost fetishistic, like he's getting a kick out of it. Do you know what I mean? The way the meticulous... I don't know, maybe. The meticulous draping of the jeans. Like, ah, the little ritual, you know, ah.

Right, maybe Eli, right? Yeah. He thought, I have to have a shit right now. I need a shit right here. He doesn't think anyone can see him, but at the same time he's thinking, I don't want a shit on my jeans. So he takes them completely off,

away from the whole process, and then does his business. Yeah, but why does he have to? I mean, everyone can... Well, that's the greater question what what would what would cause you to have to shit in that situation if i'm out with a lovely lady apparently walking in a lovely path and all of a sudden you you decide to shit but why because i've been on several whiskeys and beers last night and it's turned into yellow hurty water with uh with fizz pellets and it's turned into yellow hurti water with with fizz pellets

and it's extremely urgent but then if it was that urgent I wouldn't bother to take my trousers fully off. I would just get some squit room and get going. Yeah, give yourself some wide berth between the fabric and the accident waiting to happen.

All I'm saying Paul is to me not having between the fabric and the accident waiting to happen. All I'm saying, Paul, is to me, not having heard the consistency of the shit, you see, if it is a real squirt... Well, I think we're going to get into it. If it's a real watery squirt, then, you know, it led some credence to the theory that he was caught short.

But if it's a big... I tell you what, that credence isn't clear water, is it? No, it's poo water. But if it's a big... I tell you what, that credence isn't clear water, is it? No, it's poo water. No, but if it's a lovely, solid, you know, chestnut brown... Walnutty finish. Yeah, if it's got a walnutty finish, then it's definitely a perversion.

Okay, but I'm interested. Larry, you've piqued my interest. Let's continue. So here we go. Naked from the waist down and shat, we stood in fascinated silence as he crimped off what must have been a fair load because it was not a quick event.

We're all seeing this, right? I asked my colleagues. Yeah. And then he began to pull on his trousers, having unfolded them, and give them a bit of a shake, except he only got them about halfway on before evidently his bowels decided they had a little more to give.

This time, though, there was more urgency. They were not neatly folded and placed over the wall, instead being ungraciously laid on the ground, a good distance away from what we could only assume might be the semi-liquid poo of fetid odour. Well, what seems, Paul, just a little interjection, what seems to have happened is the old

hardened plug of shit which is the first one that goes and then after you've broken the seal you know, we've all been there it goes full liquid. I mean, I've had it in one movement. I've had it all laid out on the tray there. It's gone from solid, semi-solid,

and then the last stage is pure fizzy brown hurt water. Okay. No, continue, please. It wasn't long, mercifully, before he was all done and pulled his truths back on. No wiping continue please. It wasn't long, mercifully, before he was all done and pulled his truths back on. No wiping took place. Now, you'll remember I mentioned the public toilets.

Well, all of this took place not 150 metres from them. 150 metres. I'd love to say we'd done the right thing in taking the culprit to task over his open-air dumping, but in truth, first day back after Hogmaney, none of us could be arsed, and we all piled into the vehicle, pissing ourselves laughing at what we'd just seen and drove away. Anyway,

thought you'd enjoy that. Lots of love to you both. Keep up the good work. Larry. Thanks, Larry. You know, it was an entertaining story, but could I say your bravado at the beginning of the letter was unfounded, man. Come on. His hubris kind of your bravado at the beginning of the letter was unfounded man come on his hubris kind of took the edge

off the story it would have been a much more effective story if he hadn't said it's going to be the Tales from the Shop Floor scat story to end them all which it honestly isn't you really have to bring your A game Lady Rabbit Plops you know what I mean that was a good one

or about that guy who gets a lung full of liquid shit when that tanker bursts. Oh, that's good as well, yeah. It went straight in his mouth. Yeah. But thank you very much, Larry, nonetheless. Thank you for sending that in. Anyone else with any other stories, listen,

it doesn't have to be about poo. And maybe it's your first time listening to Cheap Show today and you're thinking, is this the standard of stories you get have to be about poo. And maybe it's your first time listening to Cheap Show today and you're thinking, is this the standard of storage you get? Disgusting poo. And I'd like to say categorically no. Sometimes it is sperm or, in some special cases, it is necrotic leg hole fucking.

So bear that in mind when you write your next letter to us. You write your next letter to us. Well, I guess it's time for what you could say is Ganon's Golden Games. Yeah, go on. Just get it out of your system now and then I can move on because otherwise I'm just going to be interrupted by your feckless stupidity. Go on. Go on. Go on.

Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on.

Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on.

Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on.

Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on.

Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on.

Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on.

Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on.

Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go games yeah ganon's golden games god you sound so lonely so what we're doing today is is it a different version of ganon's golden games

kind of because we're often looking at a board game and because it's hard to obviously do board games I don't know over the internet between us I thought what we'd have to do instead is play something we can do remotely. And we can't really do that with a lot of the board games I've got here, unless you happen to have the exact same board game with the exact same question card or the exact same whatever. Yes.

So with that in mind, I thought we'd look at a genre of gaming today. And I don't know if it's really a genre. I mean, I don't know, but we're going to try today a choose-your-own-adventure story. That's definitely a genre of game, I'd say, Paul. Now, I had a few of those books as a kid, and I tell you what, the first one I remember is vividly,

and this came to me a couple of days ago, which is why I thought we'd do it for the segment today, but I remember being really ill way back when, when I must have been about eight or nine. It might have been flu. It might have been chickenpox. In fact, it was chickenpox.

And shredded wheat were doing a promotion. Oh, it was for Back to the Future, so it was 85. So I was 85. So how old would I have been? Five, six. So I would have been seven, right? Seven chickenpox in bed, shredded wheat. How many chickenpox in bed? Seven chickenpox in bed seven chicken pox in bed

was that worth the interruption Eli it wasn't worth the interruption no it wasn't right you're seven you got chicken pox you're in bed

are you scratching and are they all itchy yes I was scratching scratchy scratchy I had to have bats in that pink liquid stuff oh I love that

you know what I mean what's it called? Looks like Pepto-Bismol, but it's like for irritation and skin. When I had them, I had this shower curtain superhero cape that my mother had made for me. Yeah. And she put all the lotion on my scabby, what are they called? Pox. Cock.

Pox. And. Pox. And then I'd run around in a circle, one of my earliest memories, to dry it off. Well, that says a lot. I would run around to dry it off. Oh, good. I'd be completely nude, covered in chicken pox. The point is, not about your...

And I had a superhero cape on, mate. Running around, round and round, drying off the lotion. I'm drying off the lotion on my puss. You would have literally looked like Nat Nerd from the Garbage Pail Kids movie then, by that logic. Yeah, probably did. So, what of it? Nothing.

So you're in bed. You're in bed. Absolutely nothing. You're in bed with the puss. This isn't the point. We're already taking too long to get to the point. The point is, is that I was in bed and I like shredded wheat, and shredded wheat were doing the promotion work inside each... Why is that i was in bed and i like shredded wheat and doing the promotion work inside each why is that funny just the the fact that you're in bed the state of you in bed liking shredded wheat anyway the promotion for back to the future was a choose your own adventure booklet

inside so you open the pack up inside there's a little booklet that was kind of sealed like a sachet. A sachet? Yes. And you tear it open and inside was a section of Back to the Future, but transformed into a Choose Your Own Adventure. So it'd be like, Marty sees a guy in a tree with binoculars. Should he shout, Oi? Or should he let him be? And then you'd go to page

three or seven. Do you know what, mate? As you're saying this, I'm starting to get a little memory hard on. I'm starting to remember. Of what? This. What you're talking about. I think I remember it. So you actually remember the promotion and these little, there's like four in a series

and each one was a different part of the book. So like Escaping the Terrorists and Race to the Clock Tower was the last one. I definitely recall that, Paul. And can I just say, I used to love Choose Your Own Adventure. My first experience of it was with Fighting Fantasy, Steve Jackson's Fighting Fantasy series. Yeah, they're the kind of famous ones, aren't they? The ones, like, the kind of the torchbearers for the genre.

Well, they're famous in this country. But from what I remember is there were two main types. There were the British ones, which were the fighting fantasy, the Steve Jackson ones. And then you had the American ones, which were actually called Choose Your Own Adventure. That was the name of the actual series. Well, let me have a little regard of the Wikipedia page.

Okay. So Choose Your Own Adventure or the Secret Path books are a series of children's game books where each story is written from a second-person point of view, with the reader assuming the role of the protagonist and making choices that determine the main character's actions and plot outcome. The series was based upon a concept created by Edward Packard and originally published by Constance Capple

and are a Montgomery Vermont Crossroads Press. What a stupidly long fucking name. Okay, yeah, and they're the original ones. These are the Choose Your Own Adventure brand ones, are they? Yeah. And this was in 1976. They were published by Bantam Books later, and became

popular in the 80s and 90s, selling more than 250 million copies between 79 and 98. There's a lot of books. And Random House bought it, but allowed the Choose Your Own Adventure trademark to lapse, and the series was relaunched by Chooseco, which now owns the trademark.

Ah. But they don't reissue the titles. That's interesting, isn't it? Yeah. According to Packard, the core idea for the series emerged from a bedtime story he told to his daughters revolving around a character named Pete and his adventures. I had a character named Pete, and I usually had him encountering all sorts of different adventures on an isolated island.

But that night, I was running out of ideas for things for Peter to do. So I just asked them, what should I do? And his two daughters came up with different paths for the story to take, and Packard thought how to end the different endings for the paths. What really struck me was the natural enthusiasm they had for the idea. And I thought, hmm, I could write this down. And his first book was called Sugarcane Island in 70, based on a manuscript called that.

And it sold 8,000 copies as an independent publisher. In 1970? Yeah. Then obviously it took off and all these kind of things. So that's in a nutshell. Fighting Fantasy is another link actually on here. Let me have a look at that. Series of role-playing and game books

created by Steve Jackson and Ian Livingston. The first volume in the series was published in 1982 by Puffin. The series distinguished itself by mixing choose-your-own-adventure-style storytelling with a dice-based role-playing element. Oh, is that the difference? That's right, yeah. But the whole dice-based is based on them trusting you to play fair,

basically, which was the whole problem with it. Right. So if it's like, roll a six, defeat the goblin, you just go, roll a six. Yeah, basically. There was a whole system where you had stamina points and stuff, and if you lost all of your stamina points, you died sort of thing. And I was so into it that i actually did follow all of the rules to begin with that's right you said you mapped out a

cave and when you mapped it out you found it was it was impossibly built deftap dungeon yeah which was i think the most enjoyable one because it was just so um it was like a bottle episode or just one environment, the dungeon, you know. So it was very simple. Yeah. And it focused in terms of it, pure almost, pure just dungeon play. And yeah, I got that into it that I wanted to map it because I couldn't solve it.

I'd like to have a look at it these days. Well, the genre is still popular. It says mobile platforms, they were going to release, what did they, were planning to release a look at it these days well the genre is still popular it says in mobile platforms um they were going to release uh what did they were planning to release a new series of handheld games based on final fantasy fighting fantasy for the nintendo ds and psp the first of these the warlock of firetop mountain was released on the ds in the us in november of 2009 but it came out on the iphone and ipod in 2010. As of 2011, Amazon Kindle had an edition of

Firetop Mountain, so you can play those games. I guess you can obviously play them easily on a Kindle. Yeah, very easily. And this version's on the Android as well, so you can get Blood of the Zombies, House of Hell, Forest of Doom, Island of the Lizard King, and Starship Traveller. I remember all of those. They apparently have

been released on Android. There was also one which was a post-apocalyptic sort of Mad Max-style Road Warrior sort of thing. Yeah. That was a good one. And funnily enough, the end of this article does talk about how it got folded into the Dungeons & Dragons satanic panic thing as well.

Yeah, of course it did. He had another series where it was slightly more advanced, sort of equivalent to Dungeons and... Advanced Dungeons and Dragons. So he had the fighting fantasy... Were these the wizard books? Yes. Because he introduced a whole system of magic,

which he cheated on as well, you know. But it was a whole other... And I guess that was... Spells and stuff. You could cast spells, basically. Spell casting. A. A.

N. N. A. A. L. N. A. A. L. L. Oh, God. Do you know what?

When we first started working together, I used to think, God, these tiresome jokes about bum sex that you make all the time. Will he ever stop doing that? No, he never stopped. and now i'm like no i enjoy him i'm like a hostage to sex is fun i i actually have sex is fun i found that joke you just made funny you miss them don't you you miss my cheeky little look now um so i used to play those and i have you heard of fist yeah no seriously am i aware FIST Was also developed by Jackson And it's similar to Fighting Fantasy

But what's different is It stands FIST is F-I-S-T Stands for Fantasy Interactive Scenarios By Telephone And were a series of Single player telephone based

Role play games In the UK In 1988 Weird So people Apparently had to Go on adventures on the phone or something yeah i remember those i remember those as well so it was a radio drama and yeah and the outcome you could

decide with a touch-tone phone yeah oh wow we used to that must have cost a fucking bomb we had this early cable system and there were these games you could play interactive games on it, like roulette or, you know, card games, casino card games. And they had little filmed bits, which would show the live crew PA or whatever, you know, a video. It would go to the video where you won or the video where you lost. But they'd filmed it all. It was on the telly.

Weird. Weird. So it was all, like, pre-recorded outcomes based on your decisions. They played one of those endings. Well, that's kind of like how Laserdisc worked, like things like Dragon's Lair. Remember Dragon's Lair? Yes.

All of that. It was like that. All of that stuff. It wasn't a game so much as a what happens next kind of thing, isn't it? Yeah, all of those old sort of experimental almost or early takes on interactive sort of video are really interesting now, you know,

because it's all just been superseded, hasn't it? Well, you know you can buy those, like, replica arcade cabinets that are about, I don't know, 12 inches high, made of wood, they look really nice and you can get Centipede or Pac-Man or whatever. They're fine, but I don't care. Until I heard recently they want to bring out a Dragon's Lair one, and I was like, yeah,

I'd really like a mini Dragon's Lair arcade cabinet thing. That would be yeah i'd really like a mini dragons lair arcade cabinet thing so that would be something i'd really really really want dragons lair is the animated don bluth uh game yeah yeah hard as nails and designed to suck as many coins out of you as possible yeah but it's not actually a game really it's just a sort of a well you're selecting clips isn't it isn't it well these days they'd call them like quick time events but effectively it was watch a bit of animation at a crucial point to make a decision up left down fight to move on to the next animated sequence yeah i remember going to an arcade in westwood hoe and uh seeing dragon's lair for the first time and i was blown away so you know me but i had a

few goats on it and it you know i couldn't get past the first you know i couldn't do anything i just died immediately straight away yeah because it's fucking hard yeah the other thing one of those games where i think you get more fun out of watching it someone else play it than you playing it yourself definitely um but that's why it was such a good coin eater wasn't it because people would see someone who'd been you'd spent 50 quid and could do the first two levels and you'd watch them and then when they finished you'd get on it wouldn't you because you think that doesn't look that hard or whatever try and beat it based on that yeah um it's the equivalent of like the old lady who sat sits across from a fruit machine some guys playing

just to wait until he leaves so she can jump on it and maybe win his jackpot but it's foolish so anyway that's foolish all of that's foolish. There is an article by Cracked, right, which goes on about, and the title of the article is The Seven Most Fucked Up Real Choose Your Own Adventure Books. Would you like to hear some of it? Yeah, yeah. Love it. Love it. Go on.

So one title, again, this is part of the Choose Your Own Adventure. This one's by Edward Packard. You are a shark who devours an alternate universe version of itself. So the story opens with our hero hiking alone in the remote mountains of Nepal, an endeavour which, based on the illustrations, he is elected to tackle in a short-sleeved shirt and loafers. Somehow you manage to make it to an ancient temple. Then suddenly you lose consciousness and feel like your life is slowly slipping away.

And that's all on the first page, by the way. The rest of the book consists of you inhabiting the bodies of various animals until the temple decides you've learnt your lesson and removes the curse that it placed on you because you were arrogant enough to tackle the Himalayas in business casual. And then you turn into a shark. Well, all of the Choose Your Own Adventure books were great at creative deaths. They were the jigsaw killers of children's books of the 80s and 90s.

But this book took it to another level, with descriptions of your flesh being greedily devoured by killer whales lions and sharks in one ending you become a pig being raised for its meat the book is careful to point out that you retain enough human awareness to know of your eventual fate as stacks of blt weird the article says here dimly you remember pigs aren't tended for their fleece like sheep, nor for their milk like cows, nor for their eggs like hens. They have only one purpose, one destiny. You roll sorrowfully in the mud,

knowing that you are nothing more than pounds and pounds of ham and sausage and bacon. That's bizarre. That's dark, isn't it? That's very bizarre. Now, also, I just wanted to ask also i just wanted to ask settling i just wanted to ask one thing paul um they used to because the choose your own adventure ones they used to have tie-ins didn't they like indiana jones or or et or whatever probably yeah yeah star wars likely yeah and the other thing i wanted to mention is weren't role-playing games on pcs

computer games the early ones were essentially just choose-your-own-adventure games, weren't they? Well, things like Hitchhiker's Guide, yeah, where look around, what do you see? You see a window, a door. Go-to door. Do not understand go-to door. Fuck off, I hate this.

Right, yeah. Anyway, perhaps the most unsettling story here is of the shark and octopus storylines. The octopus path ends when a shark doesn't fall for your ink spewing trick and it finds your body delicious. Alternatively, while inhabiting a shark's body, you can eat an octopus

who ineffectively tries to use the ink to escape. So are you eating yourself? Yes, you're eating yourself. I'd like to play that one. I'd like a copy of that one. That'd be great. Space and Beyond, apparently ghost written by Stanley Kubrick. What? The book kicks off when you're born on a spaceship

travelling at 62 times the speed of light, which causes you to grow into an 18-year-old in three days and two hours. But Paul, you wouldn't actually age in three days, would you? Only from an outside viewpoint. For you, time would be going at the same rate. Yeah.

Time would be normal for you. So yeah, you would live those 18 years, but for someone else it could be three seconds. Yeah, that's what I'm trying to say. There's no time to explore the implications of hyper-aging, because you're immediately booted off the ship to zoom around a planet to planet, with 44 bizarre endings that are a combination of 2001

and a bleak Matthew McConaughey rant. You can fly your spaceship into a black hole and live there with the black hole people, or you can fly your ship at full speed and merge with an undying void of space somehow. Again, I'd love to have a copy of that as well. That sounds amazing, doesn't it? Some of the endings just give up on the story

and apparently life altogether. But then there's the one, the one that will haunt our nightmares until our dying day. We're talking, of course, about the planet of old babies. What? The light island appears

as a haven for you, and your space pod comes to gently rest in the warm radiance. You leave the space pod and are greeted by a group of six creatures that change age and features, transforming from babies to old people. It is more than you can understand. It is frightening. It is watching the past become

the present and the present turn into the future. It is a kaleidoscope of life endlessly repeating the cycle of birth and death. You realise that it is beginning to happen to you. You look down at your hands and they are small and pink. Baby's hands! Before your very eyes they grow and change colour and texture. The rush of time and experience engulfs you. It is not unpleasant. But you have no control over it. Then, you are horrified to

see your wrinkled skin and dark liver spots of old age appear across your hands. Makes you think. Is that it? Is he dead? He's gonna die. We're all gonna die die i'd love to read these i know they sound kind of right up your street fascinating it's very sort of it's in that era when conspiracy theory and all ufology and all of that was at its sort of height and uh you know i think it it penetrated uh the mainstream to an extent in that era okay all of that stuff the

14 stuff you know 40 and weirdness it must used Fortean stuff, you know, Fortean weirdness. It used to be much more popular, you know, and then it, yeah, it led to the X-Files, things like that, you know,

that kind of fascination. The acceptance of that kind of conspiracy thing and like the mainstream, I mean, you could say it's gone all the way now to becoming the popular fucking theory half the time. Yeah.

When you think of 5G masks and stupid fucking idiot cunts. Right. So this book, Hyperspace, begins with Professor Carl Zinker moving into your neighbourhood and passing out books on hyperspace to kids. I've read this one.

This is the one I've read. This is the one I've read. I've read this one. I had this one, yeah. The professor calls you for help after he tries to enter hyperspace. It's like Rick and Morty. It's just like Rick and Morty.

I guess it is, actually, when you look at it. Yeah. But instead, the hyperspace enters him. If you alert the authorities, the universe is destroyed. The right course of action is to run blindly into the strange old man's house and prepare for wild adventures. But the trippiest branch of the story, you find out that your character is in a dream,

and in the dream of the bald, middle-aged coma patient dreaming about you. So if he wakes up, you'll cease to exist. Brilliant. It was really good and it's very like the work of Philip K. Dick as well, in a way. So they are some pretty

fucking messed up stories when you think about the age ranges. Did you have like a... Yeah. What was it? What's the phrase when you have like a kind of

crisis when you realise you're placing the universe? What's the phrase? An existential... Yeah. Crisis. Yeah. What from reading that book?

Here you are, little Eli. Here's a lovely little choose-your-own-ad reading that book? Here little Eli, here's a lovely little choose your own adventure book. Four hours later. Mother, what is the universe? What is my place within it? You know, I was in a cult. They had the children's book for the cult that I had to study. Did they? Yeah. Be Happy it was

called or something. Was it by Bobby McFerrin? No. It said, here is an apple. The apple's good, isn't it? Be happy. And it's made of all little things that aren't really things. These little atoms. And so are you. You're made of those

as well. And at the base, all of these little things really are nothing. So you're made of nothing. You are nothing. Wow. Be happy. So, hang on. It's saying because you are pointless, why don't you just fucking cheer up? Well, more than pointless, you are actually literally just nothing. Well, that's not true.

I am something. A waveform in nothing. No, but I am. Are you? Yes, I am. No, I am something. Are you? I am something.

I can't be nothing. But when you go down to the very microscopic level, Paul, it all just disappears. It all just waves in a sea of nothingness, you and everything else. That doesn't matter, does it? That's by observation of a place we can't place ourselves in. So why should I place myself in an existential nothingness void? Because if you understand the true meaninglessness and nothingness at the base of reality, then you're not bothered

by human desire and, you know, unhappiness. But I am bothered by human desire, so therefore I exist. I've got desire. Yeah? I want Chinese food. Order it. You can still get takeout, get Deliveroo app or something, or just eat. Really? Yeah.

What if they're spitting it? Right, what a great fucking... This is exactly like the bullshit 5G shit. Mate, to be fair, you don't know that people in the restaurants near you haven't been putting their dick or tongue in your food for years. Oh, I like it. Dick dippage. Dick dippage is extra.

Hello, I am Dick Dippage. Hello, madam. Hello, Dick. I've got a few jokes for you. Do you like that sandwich you're eating? That sandwich I'm eating? I put me dick. Hello, madam. Hello, Dick. I've got a few jokes for you. Do you like that sandwich you're eating? That sandwich I'm eating? I put me dick in it, sir. Are they all?

Ah, I'm Mary Dick Splash. No, no, we don't need any more characters for this. We're fine. We're fine. Right, that was the worst character I've ever done. No, Inch Lord still reigns supreme. Look, don't say his name because he's so enthusiastic.

He's not Candyman. If you say it too loud, he'll come in from the atrium and he'll give you another inch. Or then I just won't say it. In that case, he'll be like Macbeth to me. I just won't say it. Never say Inchman's name. Is he married, Inchman? Yeah. Who to?

Centimeter Maid. Yeah, Centimeter Maid. married inch man yeah who too there he is centimeter made ah yeah centimeter made centimeter made an inch man while we're on the subject you know king kong's cum cave king kong's cum cave yeah i thought of a few others yeah dracula's dribble dish. Right. I've got one. Yeah? Godzilla's gory gash. Oh. No, but I think the rule should be the middle word has to refer to the actual spooge itself.

Okay. So King Kong's come, a cave. Yeah. Dracula's dribble dish. Godzilla's gooey gash. No, the gash. What's a gash? Gunji.

It has to be... What do you mean a gash? Gunji gash. I'll show you a gash, mate. No, but it's not meant to be a gash because it's a cum cave or it's a dribble dish. Yeah, but a gash is another entry point, isn't it? A gash. No, but I want something else.

Well, I'm giving you gash. I'm giving you gash. More like a container beginning with G. What's a container thing beginning with G? Grotto. Grotto. That's on the cave. Cum cave.

Godzilla's. Gooch grotto. Gunge grotto. Yes! I like it when we workshop on all the material. The mummy's man fat. Mausoleum. The mummy's Fat Mausoleum. Mausoleum!

The Mummy's Man Fat Mausoleum. I'm on fire, ladies and gentlemen. I'm on fire. Let's just have a rundown of what we've got so far. We've got King Kong's Cum Cave, Dracula's Dribble Dish, Godzilla's Guns Grotto, and, yeah,

Mummy's Man Fat mausoleum. Cut to Tony's art desk where Tony's company draw in posters for all four of these things. I know, yeah. And with that, we end that segment

on a massive anti-climax. But before we go... No, we're not ending this segment. We're not ending this segment. No, we're not. We've got one more bit to do. We were talking about Choose Your Own Adventure. And we're going to end with one because I went online

and I went to this website where this guy had spent ages listing a load of really good websites for Choose Your Own Adventure online games that you can play for free that are educational. And there were a few of them I really wanted to do, but weirdly they were shut down because of the pandemic. One was about surviving a nuclear apocalypse. One was about being a virus and how do you spread all over the world.

And then there was another one about finance or something, but they're all not working due to being seen as insensitive. So they decided to close the website down. But I did find one and it's simple and I want to play it with you. The game's called, it's Castaway by HalfbakeSoftware.com. Shall we just get going? Do you remember Castaway with...

Was it Oliver Reed? Apparently you don't fucking remember Castaway then, do you? So let's just move on. There was that film. The one with Tom Hanks? No. This woman and a man are on an island. We're going to play Castaway from this website.

It's a reasonably simple two-gen adventure, so we're going to play it. Are you ready, Eli? I'm ready to play. What do I need? My D20? Well, here we go. You don't need a D20 because it's an American style,

not a British style, so therefore it's reasonably simple. Can I hold my D20? Yes, by all means, hold your D20. I've got a D7 as well. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. Come on, let's make it.

Here we go. I say it like this. I don't care. Here we go. Picture the scene you like. Can you survive on a shipwrecked desert island? On a shipwrecked? The island itself is shipwrecked.

Can you survive shipwrecked on a desert island? Okay, so bad sentence. It's a bad sentence. You are the only survivor from the wreck of a cruise ship which sank without warning during a severe tropical storm. You have managed to swim to shore. I'm going to start getting into character. I'm going to start getting into character.

You've managed to swim to shore and you salvaged some items from the ship. So you have one rescue flare, one pistol. Oh, thank God. I've got a flare. One pistol. That'll come in handy. That has three bullets in. Oh, I checked the bullets. I've got three bullets. Right, here we go.

You scramble up onto the beach of the island. There is no sign of anyone. To your left is a high hill. To your right is a dense jungle. Where do you go? Could I go left to the hill? Because I'm going to want to look and maybe find a river or see what's going on. I don't want to get lost in the jungle before I've got my bearings on the island.

So I like to go up to a high ground vantage point to see if there's any rivers, basically to check for the nearest source of fresh water, Paul. You climb to the top of the hill. It takes a while, but when you reach the top, you can see the whole island spread out before you. You can also see on a distant horizon a small ship. It is heading away from you.

Do you A, fire the rescue flare to attract the ship's attention or fire the pistol to attract the ship's attention how far away is it paul it just says on the distant horizon well could you give flesh it out a bit give me something here it's on the distant horizon well where's the horizon neither of those the flat line that separates the sky from the fucking sea it's's on the distant horizon, which means it's probably far out to that apex point, isn't it? Thank you. Just want to get all the details, Paul,

so I make the right decision here. Okay? So my two options are the flare or the gun, that's it. And the ship has got its back to me. Is it wiggling its little behind? It's heading away from you. It didn't say at any point it's got its back to me. Is it wiggling its little behind? It's heading away from you. It didn't say at any point it's got its back to you,

like it's in a mood. Just fucking... Fire the flare, or fire the gun. Oh, no, I don't want to... I think the flare's going to be... If it's... No-one's going to see the flare. Oh, look, there is no negative option here,

so unfortunately you do only have two. I will fire the gun. i would like to say that i'd rather have done neither all right and just i've taken that down for the record it's been noted okay right fire the pistol to attract the ship bang you fire the pistol yeah hoping the noise will attract the attention of the ship unfortunately it doesn't do you fire rescue flare to get the ship's attention, or give up trying to get the ship's attention? Ah, they've fucked me here, haven't they? They've fucking cornered me. I don't want to waste my flare now. How would I know? You want to give up trying to get the ship's attention? It's probably for the best, isn't it? Right, here we go. Yeah, stupid. You give up trying to attract the attention of the ship

and come down from the hill. So what do you do next? Go into the jungle or start swimming out to sea? Why would I start swimming out to sea? I don't know. That's insane. I'll go in the jungle. You set off into the jungle. It's hard to make progress, but you struggle on slowly.

Ahead, you can hear the sound of a large animal moving around. Ooh. Ah. Ah. Do you go towards the animal noises or move away from the animal noises? I need to shoot it and then eat it. Go towards it. Sorry, everyone.

You advance towards the... I'm on an island. You what? I'm on an island. I've got to eat something, don't I? Look, I know. It's circumstances, mate, isn't it? They mean that you do different things. I've got to eat something, don't I? Look, I know it's circumstances, mate, innit? They mean that you do different things.

I just want to make it clear to everyone. I would not be... Yeah, but you are given pretty kind of simple choices. It's more complex if you were there in real life, isn't it? I wouldn't be, yeah. No, you'd be dead by now because you've cried all of your salty tears. I'd be dead by night. Yeah.

I'd be dead. You would have got onto the beach and gone, Ah, fatness. No, I wouldn't. You advance towards the noises. Suddenly, a huge lizard emerges from the bushes. It's bigger than you. It looks like a Komodo dragon.

It looks at you hungrily. It's bigger than me. What should you do? Most things are bigger than you. Right. Do you... A. Pick up a large stick and hit the lizard. B. Fire your pistol and scare the lizard away.

Or shoot the lizard with your pistol. Well, I need food, but I don't know how good eating it is. I know they've got manky mouths. They've got nasty mouths. You've got two bullets left and one flare. I've seen footage of a bunch of Komodo dragons taking down a whole cow. Your porn selection's really fucking weird. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do- shoot the lizard in the head. I want to see the whites of its eyes. I'm shooting the lizard.

You fire at the lizard with your pistol. Your shot hits him in the neck and he starts bleeding, but he is not killed. He's just more angry and comes towards you. Oh no! Shoot him again. Grab his head and stick the muscle right in his mouth

so there's no mistake. Wait, hang on. So here's the go. Shoot the lizard again, turn away and run, or climb a tree and get out of the way. No, mate. It's either this lizard or me now. You know what I mean? It's fight or flight.

I want this lizard dead. So this lizard and you is like Leonardo DiCaprio and that big bear. Basically, yeah. Even though you've got a massive advantage because you're armed and it's small. Shoot the lizard. You're going to shoot it again? It's not small. You're shooting the lizard again? It's not small. It's bigger than me, Paul. Oh, well. Most things

are bigger than you, as I've stated. I could have said a little kitty cat and it'd still be the same issue you're facing. Yeah. So are you going to shoot the lizard again? I just want to make it clear, yeah? I am shooting the lizard again. Here we go. Bang.

You shoot the lizard again. This enrages him mightily. He attacks and kills you. Game over. Couldn't give a shit. Now my ghost is here. I'll give you one more do-over. Eli, I'll give you a do-over.

My ghost, do you know what my ghost is doing? What? Seeping, seeping into that lizard. Your ghost is seeping into that lizard? For what purpose? To haunt its very mind and essence and control it forever. So you're going to be living inside the brain of a kimono dragon as a ghost forever on an island? Yeah, I'm

proxy lizard man ghost on an island. Right, well, I've given you a re... I've given you, you know, a mulligan. I knew that was going to happen. You could tell that they didn't want me to keep attacking the lizard, didn't they? No. Did they? No. Do you want to turn away and run or climb a tree?

Climb a tree. I think it could outpace me, probably, that lizard. You climb up a tree to escape the lizard. For about 15 minutes, it paces around the bottom of the tree, sniffing and roaring. But then he gives up and shuffles away. So you move into the jungle. Off you trudge. You continue through the jungle.

Soon you hear the sound of running water and you see a stream emerging from a cave. Do you wade into the stream or go into the cave? In the cave. You go into the cave. It's very dark. There are two tunnels. Left and right. Which do you take? Left. Down the left one. You continue into the cave. You stumble and fall and your leg

touches something hard. Do you pick it up and carry on or leave it and carry on? Pick it up. You pick up an object and carry on. It turns out to be a compass. Maybe it'll be useful later. Meanwhile, the tunnel goes round in a circle and you find yourself back at the mouth of the cave.

You begin to lose heart. Do you A, shoot yourself, B, go into the jungle, or wade into the stream? That's C is wade into the stream. Yeah. Do you want to do that one? Yeah. You wade into the stream. Unfortunately sea is wade into the stream? Yeah. Do you want to do that one? Yeah. You wade into the stream.

Unfortunately, the water is running very fast and you are swept off your feet and carried away. Do you swim as hard as you can to reach the bank or relax and let the water take you where it wants to go? Oh, relax. Let's just go. Let's go. Go with it, man.

You coast along the water and eventually you are swept up into a little bay. You find a rowing boat there. You climb out of the water and sail the boat out to sea. Let's go out to sea. Come on. You steer your boat out to sea.

You know there's a shipping lane to the northwest. So do you steer northwest using the compass? Well, that was handy. Or do you guess which is northwest and try and steer in that direction? Why wouldn't I use the compass if I had it? That's silly option i know i will you i will use the compass yes use the compass to steer your boat to the northwest eventually you reach the shipping lanes and a boat of illegal migrants pick you up and directly take you to the west coast of canada where you start a new

adventure you've saved yourself congratulations Congratulations. Eli Silverman, you've survived. Yay! I did it. That was quite fun, actually. It was a bit of fun, and there's loads of other ones online that are more complicated or more intensive. So, you know, a little bit of fun, wasn't it? I like games. And you know what? That Cheap Show game that was in issue, was it 8 or 9?

8? That event put together. If you want a taste of an adventure game, that's kind of like one, isn't it? That's a brilliant example of... It's a crossover sort of board game. Choose your own invention type game isn't it yeah story generator game

but it features us and part time host Ash at a and also Biffo isn't it all four of us are in it aren't they aren't we and we're at a car boot sale and you play one of the characters and you have to get some

nice items yeah and if you're a Patreon person, you get those magazines for free. But if you want to buy that particular issue, go to cheapmag.shop and you can order a physical copy of all the Cheap Show magazines. Well, there we go. We had a lovely little walk into Choose Your Own Adventureland, Eli. Wasn't that lovely? Thanks very much for giving me another go. I know I shouldn't have gone down the animal cruelty route there

and tried it on. But the lizard was giving me another go i know i shouldn't have gone down the animal cruelty route there and tried to tried it on the lizard was giving you know he's giving he was giving me the stink eye and i've i wasn't gonna have it you know no mate you know if i hadn't killed him he's stalking me isn't he stalking me for the rest of the adventure yeah i don't know he might just pop up he might just pop up he might have popped up in the boat in the end like a classic stinger. You think you're safe and he goes, I got remorse as soon as his neck started to bleed. Yeah, well, the thing is there's a bit in the chapter that you didn't get to because you circumvented it where it says you see

the previous kimono dragon bleeding out in front of its family and its kids watch it die as it fails to support food for it. No, I made that up. Wow. No. All right, well, let's... Do you know what, Mr Silverman?

Let's wrap this show up, shall we? Yes, Mr Gannon. Okay, let's wrap it up. Let's wrap it up. And the sands of time have once again... I'll do it, I'll do it. Built up around us. And the sands of time have washed around us and scrubbed off the dirt of majesty

where filigrees of heavy water... You're not doing much better than me, mate, at this point. You're not doing much better. Let's just move on. The show's over. It's over, over, over. It's over. So, do you want to email Cheap Show? Why not? Get in touch. Thecheapshow

at gmail.com. If you want to send us an audio track for your Envision 2020, that's the same email address for that. Keep it 1 minute 30. Try not to rip off another famous song. Twitter, at thecheapshowpod. I'm at PaulGallantShow and Eli is Eli Snowy

D-L-I-S-N-O-I-D and look we have a great website thecheapshow.co.uk it's your one stop shop for all Cheap Show stuff if you want to get merch go there

if you want to buy a physical copy of the Cheap Show magazine go there if you want to vote for the Cheap Show 2020 award you can there's a link

on the front page you can also follow the account for the awards if you go to, on Twitter, at Project Cheap Skate, which is Project Cheap SK8. And you can vote your opinions of the show there. Patreon.com forward slash Cheap Show

if you want to help keep this bloody podcast going. We appreciate that. In these difficult times, you don't have to support us, but those who do, we richly and deeply appreciate it. We appreciate that. In these difficult times, you don't have to support us, but those who do, we richly and deeply appreciate it. We really do. And finally,

I'm trying to get a book made through the company Unbound about ghost hunting. It's called Ain't Afraid No Ghost and it's unbound.com forward slash books forward slash ghosts and you can help raise the funds for me to get this book made.

And there are perks for those who do help. Anything else, Eli? Yeah. What's your sound of House of Pickles? Yeah, I'll just plug that. I've got a music radio show on Soho Radio every two weeks, the House of Pickles sound show.

You can get it online as well on Mixcloud. And it's full of pretentious shit that Eli plays. What? Shut up. You're into what? This is a really good deep track from this band that you've never heard of that I'm going to play a rare B-side from. That's not my attitude though, Paul, is it?

Every week it's the same. It's you and your mate going, oh my god, I had to cut that. Yeah, oh yeah. No, the original band members left in 1963, so only four of the original five remain. But they've still got the sound. It's all the same shit. Just because you've got no, you know, taste in music,

just leave it, OK? Back off. I'd rather have no taste than an affected taste in music. Anyway, it's on the Soho Radio Music Channel, House of Pickles sound show. If you're into good music and perhaps a tidbit of information, unpretentiously shared, then tune into that. All right?

Other than that, there's Digitizer every week with Mr. Biffo and Crazy Antics. Support Digitizer on YouTube there. And I think that is it for now. Okay. We love you all. We hope you're having lots of fun and taking care of one another. Scrubby, scrubby, nuzz, nuzz. Yeah, we need to come up with a really spunky ending.

A real ooh of an ending That makes people want to get out into the streets and cheer No I just did Scrubby Scrubby Naz Naz Do it again come on You're the big ending You're a big fat wobbly ending Give us a big ending Oooo Scrubby Scrubby Naz Naz

And that ladies and gentlemen Will simply have to do See you next week. Bye.