CheapShow - Ep 176: Zoltar Sucks

Episode Date: May 1, 2020

What does the future hold for Eli and Paul, what mystical truths can the cheap chaps expect? Well, it doesn't matter because Eli is having NONE of it. Psychic predictions only boil his blood, so Zoltar is going to get a proper roasting! Elsewhere, Paul presents a new flavour of Jaffa cake to the show, Eli gets unnecessarily angry over Mini Chedders and they both go head to head in a Price of Shite, donated by listener Mark (@Kamokaziuk). It all gets a little combative. Obviously! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-176-zoltar-sucks If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! AWARDS: Vote Now @projectcheapsk8 www.tinyurl.com/cca2020vote MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Paul is writing a book! Want to help make it happen? https://unbound.com/books/ghosts/

Eli. Yes. Eli. Yes. Hello, Eli. Yes. Have you lost me? Hello, buddy.

Have you lost me? I'm recording in the nuddy. Are you? No, you're not. I'm just sitting. No, you're not. With my cock out. Paul, can't you hear me?

And if this gets frisky, I might knock one out. I already have. I already have, if you want to know. Do you? What have you already have? Wanked. What have you already have? I haveed. What have you already have? I have wankened.

Wanked? Wanken. Today? Yeah. Yay, Eli. Was it good? No. Flaccid, but loads of cum.

I think this lockdown's getting to me. I know. This lockdown, mate. I know, mate. Is making me very strange. You know what? There should be a word for that where you can't get fully erect, but it's still like Spooge's loads.

A garden hose. Garden hose. Grandpa's garden hose. The garden hose? No, it's gushing. Gushing, but still quite flexible. Oh, all right. Well, what about a...

I'm not in the mood. Also, alright, well what about a I'm out of the mood Also, Paul Let's just begin the show, shall we? Just one other thing Before we start the show I've been thinking of We don't have a character called Regina, do we? I mean, fuck knows at this point

There should be a character And she should be called Regina Fatata. Oh, this sounds very familiar. This sounds like something you've done. Or it's the same collection of stupid sounds that come out of your mouth week in, week out on this tawdry podcast. Regina Fatata! Welcome to Cheap Show.

Yay! I hate you and your fucking noodle posse people love noodles it's just a fact of Cheap Show you're gonna have to learn to fucking accept Cheap Show off-brand brand off-brand brand It's the price of shite! Paul Gannon! Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheap Show

And I go and I nuzzle Yes, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast for your ears. We go through the bargain bins, the charity shops and power lands of Great Britain and give you the treasure we find amongst the trash. I'm Paul Gannon. I'm Eli Silverman. I'm Eli Silverman. I'm the other guy. Yeah, he is the other guy. And, hey. Paul,

we've got a special guest on this episode. Oh, no. Yeah? It's Regina Fatata. And here she is. Right, okay. Let's get this out of the way, please. Do you want to introduce yourself, Regina? Oh, hello. Hello. I am Regina Fatata. Is she Welsh? I hope she's Welsh. Oh, hello. Hello. I am Regina Fatata.

Is she Welsh? I hope she's Welsh. I eat potato. Where are you from, Regina? Oh, I'm from all around. And I eat, I eat potato. That's my second name. I eat seaweed.

Is Inchman around? Is Inchman here by any chance? I'd rather have Inchman. Oh, okay, I'll go. A Regina for Tata. Ta-ra. What's a USP? I don't know.

She's gone now, though. Bye. She's left, but, you know, she did say she was very excited to meet you, Paul. Big fan. Wow, well, that's exciting. Also, she's a big fan, Paul. She's a big fan, Paul, but also she seems to have a very big fanny.

Fucking hell. No, please don't. No more detail needed, Eli. No more detail needed, Eli. No, you know what? No more detail. I don't... If that's in USP, I am really not fucking interested. Talk about camel tone, more like a camel blancmange.

Mate, no. No, no, no, no. It's in the name, isn't it, Regina? What have we got coming up on the show today? Well, we have another P.O. Box sourced edition of the podcast. And as of right now, Eli is in charge of all of the words. We have, I believe, a cheap eats, I guess, with crisps and a price of shite. A bespoke price of shite.

Kind person has put a price of shite package together for us, Paul. And are we both going to play against each other? Have they sort of... Well, I believe we can because the answers were on a piece of paper folded and securely stapled by the gentleman in question, who I believe was Mark Honeyborn. I think the letter will confirm that when we reach the letter a little bit later on the show.

Yeah, so we have a Price of Shite and we have a Cheap Eats Crisp Edition. Ooh. But you know what we should do before we do any of that? What should we do? Well, I believe, Eli, you have a collection of McVitie's Jaffa Cakes pineapple flavour there. Ooh, let me just have a little scrummage

and rustle around in the care package bag, which is just over the other side of the room, Paul. Hang on. Yes, I managed via secret secret means to get Eli a package so he could

take some control over this week's episode of Cheap Show. He has the price of right items what i have the whole bag here now paul um right good with the whole of this week's show contained therein within yeah there's there's a bit of a sort of uh dustbin smell coming off the whole bag itself i'm getting a huff of oh it's like those do you know that smell when you used to have a lunchbox packed by your mum or whatever

and it got a bit manky by about four in the afternoon? Like the smell of the apple or something. You know? It's a bit like that. And the sandwich. The sandwich smell. I know what you mean. Yeah.

It's good, that, isn't it? Yeah, the lunchbox smell. It has to be a plastic lunchbox. Like a Thermos one. It definitely has that. I had a Ghostbusters, a real Ghostbusters one. Oh, very nice. I had an Incredible Hulk. Oof.

I used to love the Hulk. Yeah? What was it about the Hulk that you liked? He's a great superhero, isn't he? Because he's all about uncontrollable rage. You know? It's all about rage. And on the psychiatrist's couch tonight, Eli Silverman. Tell me why you like this incredible Hulk.

You say the rage. You like the rage. Well, it was because my first encounter, sexually encountered Dr. Heinensleilen, was... Yeah, it's good, good, good. Tell me more. I was... I needed some lube and I used Swarfeiger,

which is very green. I think that's what it's about. Yeah, it's very good. And it's good for getting paint and oil off your hands as well. Yeah, it's good. Yeah, for sure. So, Doctor, how much is your fee? It is £40 per hour.

Okay, good. I'll see you next week then. Tell me more about this incredible Hulk and the Rage and your failed gag about lube and Swarovika. It's not failed. Tell me more about these desperate, desperate attempts of humour. Yeah, it's good. I used to get a fucking cabbage and wank into it.

Yeah, and we've hit the nail on the head. I've smooched it around. I've smooched the cabbage around. Well, that's all we've got time for this week. Mr Silverman, please come back next week and bring a picture of your wife. Doctor, doctor, doctor. Yes? Can I have a lollipop?

Yes, you can have a big lollipop, but it sits in my lap. Let me just fish my lollipop out of here. No, no. Come on. No, Paul. No. Come on, mate. No.

No. Come on, suck on the doctor's lollipop. No, Matt, this doctor would be struck off immediately if he tried to fucking insert it. Right, have you got the Jaffa Cakes? Oh, yeah, Jaffa Cakes. Okay, let me have a little... Oh, yeah. Yeah, Jaffa Cakes

we've mentioned on the show numerous times before and Morrison's had a pineapple flavour exclusive and I managed to grab one in the wild and people are telling us about them, so I thought, you know what, let's end this segment with a little mini taste test of a pineapple flavour Jaffa Cake. Oh, great.

I've got them here. Now, I'll tell you what my opinion is. What's your opinion, Paul? My opinion is Jaffa Cake is brilliant, right? It's great. The flavours are nice, it works, but the minute you put another flavour in, the alchemy fails,

and they just taste weird and stupid. Okay. And also, the clues in the name, Jaffa refers to oranges, doesn't it? It does. So, you know, it should be a pineapple cake. It could be called an anana cake. No.

Anana cake. Yeah. No, because anana is pineapple in French or whatever, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I've moved on. So let's just... Shut up.

So I'm going to have it. I'm just going to give the... I won't fucking... You know what? I'm not going to fucking give you the Huff Report if you don't fucking start playing nicely. I'll give myself the Huff Report. I'm huffing the Jaffa Cake,

which to all intents and purposes looks like a normal Jaffa Cake. And it smells actually like a Quality Street sweet. It's got a very chocolatey odour. Yeah, but it's also got a kind of orange Quality Street or orange roses kind of chocolatey smell. I know what you mean. I know exactly what you mean. But I'm getting a pineapple there.

I'm getting a sort of... It smells a bit like this... Do you remember that? They used to be on waste ground. They used to be these little... They're not flowers. They were like little weeds. And you squeezed the nubble

on it, and it smelt like pineapple? Yeah. Pineapple weed. I don't remember that. Oh, you haven't lived? No, I don't remember that, unfortunately. You haven't lived, mate? Nope. It'd all be there, and it's like that. Apparently I've not lived. Pineapple-smelling stuff. Oh, God. What? Boring, man. Listen, who's tasting these?

I'm going to taste. Who's tasting these fucking Jaffa Cakes, mate? Who is? Me? Me, I've got one as well. Oh, I thought it was just me. Me and me. I thought it was just me tasting them. No, I've got some as well. All right, go on then.

No, we split the bag. Go on then. Do you think I just invented that Huff Report? I don't know. Can I just say, though, I'm in disagreement with you about, you know, the sanctity of orange-flavoured Jaffa Cakes, because we tasted some raspberry ones from Poland once, and they were very nice, and they were square. with you about you know the sanctity of orange flavored jaffa cakes because i've tasted we tasted some raspberry ones from pylons once and they were very nice and they were square oh you

see this is why i disagree i didn't like that okay what now paul before we just before off paul just before we go for the taste what are your feelings about pineapple as a flavoring in confectionery in general oh i just don't know I don't like to mix my fruit and my chocolate by and large, Mr Silverman. So pineapples tend to have a very specific place. I like fruit salads. I like cheese and a pineapple square on a stick. Oof, oof, Mr Silverman.

Oof. Oof, indeed. We don't listen. And that's it. I don't like it on pizza. I don't like it on pizza. But if you listen carefully to me, I'm not talking about pineapple as a fruit.

I'm talking about pineapple-flavoured things. Then what, as a concept? No, as a flavour. As a flavour used in sweets. No, pineapple tends to be one of my favourite gummy flavours. Oh, really? Like, you know, pineapple cubes. Yeah, I was thinking of those.

Now, they're old school, aren't they? They're like tuppence in a glass jar. There's old froth shop, ye olde froth shop style school aren't they they're like tuppence in a in a glass jaw there's old froth shop ye olde froth shop style aren't they yeah big john you'd say oh i'll have a quarter of um pineapple cubes please mister and he'd say oh young scamp would you like a lollipop and then i'd say yeah and then he'd come around on my lap i'm chasing now pull yeah it's good Paul Tell me more about These lollipop adventures From your youth

Oh fucking hell I'm tasting this I can definitely smell I'm tasting it now too Here we go I can smell pineapple Great I'm going to bite

What do you think? I don't know about that I think it's quite nice Well here's the thing It's much nicer Than I thought it was going to be But I can't decide whether I like it

Or I don't like it It's a very weird position to be in. I'll tell you what, Paul. I like the flavour of the actual pineapple jelly or whatever. I think that's quite nice. That's quite nice. Not artificial. Tastes of pineapple, distinctly.

It's the way that that flavour goes with the cake bit. It makes the cake bit flavour taste weird. Do you know what I mean? It's a bit like... Yeah, creamier almost. Yeah. It's not as good as an orange Jaffa cake, that's for sure. But it's better than I thought it was going to be. Yeah, no, it was much better than I thought it was going to be, but I don't know

if I could eat a whole pack of them like I can demolish a Jaffa cakes pack. I'm having another one now. Well, all good. You have them. You enjoy them, mate. Oh, shall we crack on with this week's episode of Cheap Show? I thought that was part of this week's episode. Well, it is. obviously, dickhead, but I just mean the rest of it. Do you think

this is going to be a 16-minute episode? Fucking hell, mate. Is that what you thought, you stupid... Listen! I want to get out of here. I want to get out! Help! Help! Eli, do you want your future told? I can tell you your future.

Sure. Or I can ask you. I've got a mini Zoltar machine, Eli. Oh. It speaks to me. Now, Zoltar was in the film Big, is that right? Yes, it was the machine that made Tom Hanks big. But, Paul, did it exist before the film Big with Tom Hanks?

I think it was a real thing, yeah. Okay, right. Yeah, I think it was a real thing. I've got a little mini one. Ooh. I'm going to ask Zoltar my future. Here we go. Zoltar, Zoltar, what's my future? Hear your fortune from Zoltar.

Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today. That's right. You must live your days as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today. That's right. You must live your days as if they were your last. Because one day, they will be. You know what I mean. Oh, thank you, Zoltar. That's given me much thought.

Fuck off. Tell him... Get him to tell... Get him to tell my fucking future. You have to ask him. That wasn't an answer to your question, was it? I said,

I need some guidance. You ask it. You say, Mr. Zoltar, tell me my future. Do it. Mr. Zoltar, tell me my future. Please. Hear your fortune from Zoltar. Men of genius are admired.

Men of wealth are envied. Men of power are feared. But only men of character are trusted. That is not a fortune. That says nothing at all about the future. I'm sorry, Zoltar. No, it doesn't. It's asking you to think about

being a man of character instead of a man of base means. It doesn't fucking matter, though, does it? It's got nothing to say about what my future holds. It's a fucking sham, Paul. Fucking cunt, Zoltar is. If I was fucking... He's been my best friend.

If I fucking put 10p in and I was expecting some kind of prediction, it's just some shit about, what? Men with character are trusted. Bullshit. It's asking you to consider your character, isn't it? I consider my character and what my character is. He's fucked off with Zoltar. Zoltar, fuck yourself.

I would shit in it. I'd shit in his slot. You'd shit in Zoltar. Fuck yourself. I would shit in it. I'd shit in his slot. You'd shit in Zoltar's slot? If he was here, I would fucking... I'd do a dirty protest right up his slot. Right up his slot. Yes. Right, good.

Fuck Zoltar. Right, good. That is bullshit. That's not fortune telling, is it, Paul? Come on, admit it. Oh, God. I tried to do something nice and look at you. It wasn't nice.

Look at you. How is that nice? You know what Zolt. Oh God, try to do something nice and look at you. It wasn't nice. Look at you. How is that nice? You know what Zoltar should say? Eventually you'll die. That would be truthful, wouldn't it? Well, mine did, didn't it? No, it didn't.

He said, live every day like it's your last. Because it will be. Because one day it might be. All right, so that is closer to an actual prediction than what I fucking got.

Yeah. Fuck off. And what happened there is your character was challenged and you got all upset about it because you knew you weren't going to be wealthy or sexy or powerful. And all you've got is your character

and your character is a dribbly stream of piss. I am not a dribbly. No, it's not. You're a dribbly stream of piss. Your character is like finding a condom in a child's paddling pool. Talking of characters, I think Mrs. Fattata has left something. No, no, we're going to move on, Eli.

We have a packed show. Well, all right. Well, sorry. Just wait. Wait till the end. Thank you. Can you please dive into the bag and pull out the letter from the

contributor to this week's episode? I'm telling you what, Miss Furtata did not look happy, Paul. The letter. Here we go. So, it's stapled in. I can see the staples. Right, that's stapled.

That's safe. That's safe, mate. Now, it's time for the Price of Shite. Good. Do you want to do a little jingle? Well, let's read the letter and we'll see how it goes because I think the letter ends with the Price of Shite, so we'll see if he begins with the crisps. Okay. He's started, I can tell

you now, Paul, he's started with the mini cheddar selection. Oh, that's good because I've got those to hand. Okay, do you want to start with those then? Well, let's just read the letter and we'll tackle the things he sends as we go. And we'll take a break before the price of shite so we can

do that as a separate segment. You stupid, stupid paddling pool Phil Cumsack. You... I knew that didn't work. Fucking hell, mate. Just knew it.

Listen, mate. Sort yourself out. Hide Paul and Eli. It was meant to say paddling pool... Like a paddling pool full of cum. Great. Letter. Hello. I mean paddling pool full of cum. Great. Yeah, yeah, that's right. Anyway, letter. Hello.

I mean, hi. He says hi. He or she. Hi. They say hi. Hi, Paul and Eli. Hi. Hi.

I think he should have put me first, but anyway. Here's a bumper box of segments. Quite a few things here. Mini cheddar selection for a league of snacks. We recently had a few more flavours, so I thought it was an opportune time to send them out. Some are quite strong in flavour so my suggested route through them would be. Number 1 Original Number 2 Red Leicester Number 3 Monterey Jack Number 4 Pepper Jack Number 5,

Blimey there's a load of different flavours. BBQ. And number 6, Blue Cheese. Blue Cheese. Some are feel to me to be quite strong so water between is advisable. I've not had the crinkle ones before so I don't know how strong they are. Crinkle? Crinkle Cheddars? I've got two crinkle packs here because I split the packs up between us, so you have four and I have four.

So we're going to have to, you know, march through them as quickly as we can. Right, so. What flavours do you have there, Paul? I have five packets here. I have Mini Cheddars Monterey Jack, Red Leicester, Blue Cheese and two crinkly cut ones of salt and vinegar and cheese and onion variety.

Bloody hell, they've gone mad for flavours. And for the record, Blue for salt and vinegar, Cheese and onion is green. Of like every other manufacturer apart from Walker's. Like every right-minded crisp manufacturer. Yes. Now, the flavours that I have are... Smokey BBQ. Pepper Jack. What's Pepper Jack?

Is that cheese with peppers in it? I've got some crinklies. These aren't mini cheddars. They're just called baked crinklies. But they're by Jacob still, who do the cheddars. But it's a totally different snack. Yeah. And I've got mini cheddars original.

I've got the original here. So, chilli beef flavour crinklies. Oh. Do you like a Mini Cheddar? Do you like a Mini Cheddar generally? Well, we've been through this. I do like Mini Cheddars, but Mini Cheddar bacon once made me sick in my underpants. Remember?

I pulled my pants forward and was sick into my pants. Yeah, that's not good. On my dick. Remember that? Oh, how could I forget? I love it. Love it. Yeah.

So, I'm going to start with the two baked crinklies. Now, for people in different countries who may not know what a mini cheddar is, it's a round mini biscuit that is cheese. So why are you starting with the crinkly? So why are you starting with the crinkly then, which isn't a mini cheddar? Because we can go bypass the mini cheddar because it's rote. It's the standard. It's like saying, oh, we're going to test

chocolate right now. I'm going to taste the real mini cheddars and not ruin this section. Alright, well then you eat them while I open up these crinkly, baked crinklies. Oh, these original mini cheddars have got a good huff on it. They've got a niff, cheesy niff. Oh, that really smells like socks. Good niff that.

It really smells like socks. It's nice, that. It really smells like socks. It's nice, though, isn't it? What flavour are your crinkly ones? Salt and vinegar. I'm going to open the salt and vinegar one first. Let me have a little huff. Oh, Eli. It's that salt and vinegar flavour that's similar to a Smith's Square crisp. It's astringent. Very astringent. Kind of strong, is it?

It's very astringent. Very tart. Oh, very tart flavour on the nose piece. And they're little round biscuits, but they do have a nice wrinkled design. They're not biscuit. They're crackers. They're crackers. They're crackers.

They are crackers, I suppose you're right. Not a biscuit. They're a cracker. Right. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh, they're very nice. It's that salt and vinegar flavour

that's kind of almost sweet in its aftertaste. Yeah, I wouldn't say it was almost sweet. They probably put some sugar in, don't they? Well, you know it's not meant to be sweet. What I'm saying is it's the sweeter end of the salt and vinegar spectrum. I think they probably add sugar in order to sort of combat the tang, you know, combat the acidity of the vinegar. Now, Eli.

Yes. It says on the pack it's a salt and vinegar flavoured crinkled snack biscuit, not a cracker. Snack biscuit? What is a snack biscuit? What is a snack biscuit? What is a savoury biscuit? In the world we live in, what is a savoury biscuit called? It's called a cracker.

Well, it's not a cracker. Jacob's makes crackers. Doesn't mean they make these that are the same as crackers. Are we doing this for the league, by the way? Does it? Is this for the league? Nah. Nah.

It should be in the league. Mini cheddars. Because I'm not doing nine leagued snacks. Right. This is a cheap eats section, mate. Right. I'm sniff in the league, mini cheddars. Because I'm not doing nine-league snacks. Right. This is a cheap eats section, mate. Right, I'm sniffing the cheese and onion one. Oh, I don't know if I like it. Why?

It's that farty cheese and onion smell you get every now and then. I'm going to sniff the chilli beef crinkles. Ooh. Right, you sniff the chilli beef. That smells like a Mexican restaurant in the 1980s. It's very specific. Oh, these are much closer to crisps, these crinkled ones. They're much thinner than the actual cheddars, aren't they?

Yeah, that's what I'm looking at now, the crinkled ones. The cheese and onion is not great. It's not my favourite cheese and onion. It leans too much on the onion side of things. Too much onion, not enough cheese? Yeah, kind of. The balance ain't right. I've just eaten a few baked crinklies,

chilli beef flavour, Paul. Pretty solid. Pretty good. Got some heat to them. It tastes very Mexican-y for some reason. It's the chilli, but it's that sort of Mexican-style chilli. No, I know what you mean, like the spiced chilli or something you can get.

Is that right, spiced? Have I made that up? That's right, yeah. Not bad. Is it the sweeter end of the barbecue sauce thing? No, this is chilli beef. It's quite dry and it's got some heat. Not bad. So is it the sweeter end of the barbecue sauce thing? No, this is chili beef, and it's quite dry, and it's got some heat. It's not a great deal, but it's got some heat, that's for sure. I also ate some original, just mini cheddars a few minutes ago now, Paul. Oh, yes, of course. So just what?

Do you mean, uh? They're just not that nice, are they? They're lovely. I'm looking for a Ritz cracker. I love them. I think they're better than a Ritz cracker. They're not better than a Ritz cracker. I think so. You're insane. a Ritz cracker they're not better than a Ritz cracker I think so

you're insane no I'm not well bibble bibble bibble even your madness noises are nicked from viz come on

I'm sorry if my madness noises aren't unique make up your own madness noises fuck's sake alright then do you want

I'll give you one alright yeah what was it alright what was it no your one oh alright here we go here we go right here's my madness noise okay Do you want? I'll give you one. Right. Yeah. What was it? What was it? No, your one. Oh, all right.

Here we go. Here we go. Right. Here's my madness noise. Okay. And... Very poor. Do you mean very poor?

It just wouldn't sound like you were mad. It didn't sound like you were mad. You sounded like a dog that was truffling for... All right, I'll do another one. I'll do another one. Here's another one. You sounded like a crotch hound. Don't sound like a crotch hound. Here's another one. Here's another one. He sounded like a crotch hound. Don't sound like a crotch hound.

Here's another one. That's another dog, mate. It sounds like Scooby-Doo. That's Tim Allen from Home Improvement. No, it's not. I'll show you and I'll give you a madness noise, right? Go on. Sproofed.

No. No. No, because you've just been trying to shoehorn that wording into one of these episodes for absolutely weeks now. And I'm not going to allow you to do it at this juncture. Spurft, spurft, wiggle, wiggle, spurft, spurft. Right. You know what I don't like about mini cheddars is they turn into a big globule of mulch

in your mouth. No they don't. It sticks to everything in your mouth. No they don't. Why are you defending mini cheddars so hard? Your mouth's fat. If it's to do with the ongoing rumour that I'm in Jacob's back pocket and taking money off their cheddars

line and using it as basically paid promotion on these podcasts without actually announcing it as baked promotions, then I'd like to, at this point, state that this is not true. Oh, yeah. I saw you talking to the mini Cheddar's guy. No, you didn't. Prove it.

You don't fucking know who Gary is. I've got photos. You've never met Gary. What's his name? What's Gary's name? Oh! Oh! The point is that

there's no proof that I've ever been seen with a rep from Jacobs called Gary, alright? And giving me a big bag of crisps with no labels on. Also, my other problem, Paul, my other problem with mini cheddars. Big bag of unmarked crisps and they're all mine.

Where are the full-size cheddars? Huh? You get them in packs. Where are the fucking big cheddars? You get them in shops. Yes, you fucking do. I've never seen a cheddar. You don't get cheddars.

No, you don't. You do. You get big ones. They're always mini cheddars. They're not always mini ones. Fuck you. I know mini cheddars. No, you don't. You do. You get big ones. They're always mini cheddars. They're not mini ones. Fuck you. I know mini cheddars. No, fuck off.

I can say with some authority that maxi cheddars can be found on shelves in packets not unlike... Maxi cheddars? No, they're not called maxi. I've just said the big ones can be found on all good supermarket shelves. That's what tampons are called. That's what sanitary towels are coming. Maxi. Get in touch with your

local Jacobs supplier. Jacobs.co.uk forward slash snacky yum yum. They're KP anyway, aren't they? They're KP, I believe,

anyway, aren't they? Right, I'm going to try another pack. I'm going to try the blue. Well, here's the thing. We talk about cheese flavoured crisps, but often we don't get to talk about types of cheese, right?

So when you say cheese and onion, what cheese is it talking about? Cheddar? Leicester? Camomile? You know what I mean? So it's interesting to see what the differences will be. The differences, not differences. The differences of these cheesy flavours. Differences. Oh, the differences. Differences. Right, the differences. Differences.

Right, here we go. I'm going to try. So, I'm going to try the Pepper Jack, which is another type of cheese, isn't it? All right, yeah, and I'm trying the blue cheese. Oh, there's a bit more of a huff to this one. There's a definite kind of a acidic cheesy after huff well this uh the pepper jack flavor the half is it's got a kind of uh sour sour cream and chive

sort of vibe you know what i mean yeah you can kind of taste the tang of the mold in these blue cheese which is interesting not not a lot but a a little. I'm going to try it. Here we go. Mmm. Mmm. Interesting. What do you think? The initial cheese flavour is very creamy, but the aftertaste does have that slight mouldy aftertaste you expect. Well, that's blue cheese, mate.

Are you not a fan of blue cheese generally? No, I am. It's just I'm surprised I could get the nuances of it from it. It's not a well-flavoured crisp, to be fair. It's not amazing, but it does what it says in the packet. These are the favourite. I've had three. I've had, so far, Paul, I've tasted the crinkle chilli beef, the originals, and also these pepper jack ones.

And I tell you what, the pepper jack are easily my favourite. Oh, okay, that's good. Definitely nicest. You can taste the pepperiness. It just works. That works best for me so far. So is it still cheesy, though, but it's got that can of pepper thing going on? Very cheesy, yeah.

It's an impressive flavour profile on that one, actually. Next, I'm going to go with Red Leicester, which is, between you and me, Eli, one of my favourite cheeses. It's just a shit cheese, Paul. It's not a shit cheese. A good Red Leicester's really nice in a sandwich or in a salad. It's just a shit cheese, Paul. It's not a shit cheese. A good Red Leicester's really nice in a sandwich or in a salad. It's not. What's the fucking problem with my cheese?

I'm not saying it's the best cheese in the world. I'm sorry, Paul. I can't change who I am. Sadly not. No, you can't because I would change you. What, you'd say this person exactly the same except he likes Red Leicester? Yeah. I'd go for all the effort of just

making it so you had a red leicester appreciation i don't hate red leicester i just think it's it's mediocre it's just salty doesn't have any taste you know it's not salty it's not salty it's not salty it's a quite creamy cheese oh all cheese is creamy it's like you're fucking crumbly or sharp. It's one of your fucking terms. Fuck off. Your flavour terms. You can't describe flavours for shit, mate. You fucking... You'd taste a fucking drink and go, yeah, it's very wet.

It's got a wetness to it. A real wetness coming through. No shit, cunt. Cheese, oh, it's got a creaminess. Like every fucking milk product. Do you know why it's got a creaminess, Paul? Because it's made of milk, which makes cream. Fucking sick of you with your fucking bullshit trying to defend Red Leicester.

Red Leicester's a cunt cheese. Well, I've just eaten one. Apologies to the people of Leicester, by the way. What do you think? Don't like them. Don't like them. There you go. Why?

What's wrong? It doesn't really, though. It doesn't taste like Red Leicester. It tastes of a more manky cheese, like a kind of weird cheddar, almost. That's what Red Leicester is. It's a poor cousin of cheddar. That's all it is.

So it's probably quite accurate. You've got nostalgia glasses on for Red Leicester, mate. Maybe. When was the last time you ate some Red Leicester? Maybe a couple of months ago. Bullshit. Oh, shut up. I stand by Red Leicester.

Okay. Now, what's your last packet flavour? My last one is Monterey Jack. Now, I like a bit of Monterey Jack. American cheese, isn't it? Yeah, I don't know too much about it. How would you describe Monterey Jack? I think it's the American equivalent of cheddar.

Jack cheese, I believe. Oh. I think that's what it is. It's very similar. It's a sort of cheddar made in either the US or Canada. I can't remember. What's your last packet? My last packet is smoky barbecue flavour.

I'm not holding out a lot of hope for these. Let's give it a huff. Very milky. It's a very milky smell. Milky, milky. It's a very milky smell. Milky, milky. Are you going to say it's creamy now, aren't you? Because you're a twat with no flavour vocabulary. It's a bit creamy and a bit tart.

Now, I'll show you what smelling a savoury biscuit's all about. Cracker. Oh, that's just the generic barbecue flavour that you get on a thousand crisps since the beginning of time. Do you know what I mean? Well, I'm going to test these Monterey Jack cheddars. Oh!

They're very cheesy. Yeah, it's a cheddary thing, isn't it? It leaves a very kind of powdery aftertaste in my gobbo. Oh, my God. What? Powder is a texture, not abo. Oh, my God. What? Powder is a texture, not a taste. Oh, fuck off. I'm just trying to...

No, come on, mate. I'm just trying to get a... Try and get it right. A kind of clotted, cheesy, funky, smunky, bunky-chunky aftertaste. Spunky-chunky? Can I talk about my cheddars? Yeah. Please, right.

Now, these cheddars I'm about to taste are the smoky barbecue flavour. Extremely generic barbecue huff coming off it, like a thousand different barbecue flavoured crisps. What is barbecue, anyway? Barbecue isn't a single thing, is it? It's a style of cooking, Do you know what I mean? It's not a single flavour. So it's not a sauce? It's not a barbecue sauce at all?

Like that barbecue rib thing? There's lots of different barbecue sauces, yes. But this says smoky barbecue flavour so I think this is meant to taste like the whole barbecue rather than just the sauce. Alright, well, just give us a taste then. Well, the smell is not good. But we've often found that the smell is sometimes a very different animal from the taste.

Weak, weak flavour. Oh, dear. They're the worst so far. They're kind of smoky. Well, just not very nice. To sum up, my choice from the five selections I had, I had salt and vinegar baked crinklies. I had a cheese and onion. I had Monterey Jack, red Leicester and blue cheese.

I'd probably say my favourite were the crinkly salt vinegar and the Monterey Jack. It was a nice surprise. It was nice and cheesy. And I tasted original Jacob's Mini Cheddars and some baked crinklies, a different product, not a cheddar, but a baked product. Baked crinkly, chilli beef flavour, Pepper Jack flavour Mini Cheddars, and then the barbecue smoky barbecue flavor the pepper jack head and shoulders the the nice the nicest have a sort of um almost a yogurty

fresh like the like uh sour cream it's got that freshness you know yeah the freshness to them uh and the worst are the uh these generic smoky barbecue bullshit. And also, I don't like mini cheddars generally. I'd probably say the crinkly cheese and onion were my least favourite. Yeah. Nice, though. Thanks for sending those in. Yeah, thank you. Thank you.

So I think we take a quick break and wash our mouths out and then carry on with the rest of the letter. What say you, Mr. Silverman? I say yay, Mr. Silverman. Yay, Mr. Silverman. Yay, Mr Silverman, yay. Oh, Zoltar. Zoltar. What?

What's the next segment of Cheap Show? Here is your fortune it is now dying for I want to hear what Zoltar actually has to say yeah ask him again Zoltar what's coming up on the show hear your fortune

from Zoltar men of genius are admired men of wealth are Hear your fortune from Zoltar. Men of genius are admired. Men of wealth are envied. It's the same one! Men of power are feared. It's not! It's a different one. No, it's a fucking shitbox.

It's a different one. That eye would smear my popsies right in his slot. You know what? I'd have a special diet. Hear your fortune from Zoltar. I doubt it. The smallest good deed is better than the grandest intention. Take it from me, the great Zoltar.

Intending shall get you nowhere, but doing, yes, that will bring you much, much reward. How about that? Again, not a prediction of my future, but a fucking seriously generic homily which is so generic and watered down and vague as to be meaningless, Paul. And I'm not going to take any shit from this

so-called Zoltar. I was just using it. I was just using it as an excuse. I'll give him a little prediction of what will happen to Zoltar if I get my hands on him. Do you want that prediction, Paul? Do you want the prediction? Yeah? Yeah.

I know where it's going. Go on. I'll go on a special diet where I'll only eat slim, slot-shaped food. And then I'll do slot poos, especially for Zoltar's fucking... Well, like slices of carrot or something? Does that mini Zoltar have a slot on him? A tiny fake one at the front.

Yeah, I'll smear it all over that fake slot, you bitch. Right. Anything else? Dirty. Dirty boy. Anything else? All I was going to do was use it as a way to introduce Price of Shite. I thought, oh, it'd be funny.

So I'm still doing it. Shut up. Hear your fortune from Zoltar. Ha ha ha! It is I, Zoltar, and I think it is time for another edition of The Price of Shite. Ah, ah, I want to suck your

dick! Charity shop vampire. I should have known. He was lurking. I've been put together a little take on the jingle, Paul. Yeah, go on. Ready? Yeah, go on.

No, you interrupted me. No, delay meant that. I didn't actually delay you. Oh, for fuck's sake. It starts with a little percussive voice motif, so don't be shocked. All right, you begin then. Oh, oh, oh, it's the price of shame.

I won't interrupt at all. Fucking, you fucking can't. I will fucking... I will bring back every... It's the delay, mate. I will bring back every fucking character. I will bring them. It'll be Crisis on Infinite Mount Groppance, mate.

Right, so. Just cheap show Infinity War. Just wait, okay? Just wait. Cheap show Infinity Thwop. Oh, oh, oh, it's the Blaze of Shade. Oh, oh, oh, it's the Blaze of Shade. Oh, oh, oh, it's the price of shade. Oh, oh, oh, it's the price of shade. Oh, oh, oh,

it's the price of shade. It's the fucking price of shade, and that's right. That's alright, that. Yeah. New jingle, mate. I like the ho, ho, ho. Yeah, there was... I like the ho, ho, ho bit. Yeah, it's a percussive voice motif, yeah. I like it. It's got a bit of kind of 80s

new romantic to it. Thank you. Now, the price of Shy Paul... Or maybe not new romantic, maybe like pop art kind of music. There's no such thing as... A little bit pop art. There's no such thing as pop art music, Paul. That's not a genre of music. Right.

You shut up. Where's my phone? I'm going to fucking look it up. Here we go. Pop art music. Pop art music. Pop art music. Pop art music. Pop art music.

Pop art music. It's not. Just saying it. It's not going to make it exist. It doesn't exist. New wave, did you say? The influence of pop art on music. There's an influence, but it's not... Pop art music. Oh, fuck off.

Pop art music. You could have said if you were... You like? Yes. Talk about pop art music. Talk about pop art music. Talk about... Who did that then?

Who did that tune? Talk about music. I could tell you. They're called Moo or something, aren't they? Moo-zeek. They're called Moo-zeek or something. Talk about pop music. Or mu-zeek. Yeah. Were they German? I don't know. Yeah. They're called Musik. Talk about pop music. Or music.

Were they German? I don't know. Now. Pop music. Pop music. Pop music. Talk about pop music. You're driving me nuts, mate. The band is called M. Yeah, M. I always thought that was Thomas Dolby.

You're living in a disco. Forget the rat race. Let's do the milkshake, selling like a hotcake Bop bop do bop Shut up You may now begin Carrying on with the Price of Shite segment As delivered by Mark Thanks very much

So as everyone knows This was sent in by Mark Honeyborn He also sent the mini cheddars From the beginning of the episode And he mentions here Paul Some chocolate for an off brand brand off This was sent in by Mark Honeyborn. He also sent the mini cheddars from the beginning of the episode. And he mentions here, Paul, some chocolate for an off-brand brand-off. Now, I can't see that chocolate. And is that because you fucking ate it?

I've eaten that. How dare you? I've eaten that. How are we going to do the off-brand brand-off? I've eaten it. I tell you what, here's the review. I ate all the chocolate. Yeah, I know. Fucking tubster now

I was a bit down in the mouth and a bit sad fine and I had some chocolate because I found it and it was like oh

I've been eating a ton of chocolate myself for crazy I'm getting well into Ritter Sport yeah you know

they don't sponsor the show I didn't think you liked chocolate I didn't usually but then when you're depressed and you just wake up at about midday and you can just lean across and just cram a whole bar into your gob so you don't have to get out of bed. Are you still leaving a Turkish delight next to your bedside? No, I've moved on. I'm on Ritter Sport Butter Biscuit.

I told you about this one. I think I should tell the listeners of the show. There's a Ritter Sport brand chocolate. No, I told you about this one. I think I should tell the listeners of the show there's a Ritter Sport brand chocolate. No, I'm not all that bothered, mate. It's like the ultimate Chunky Leibniz, man. It's like the ultimate, I'll say that one more time for you, Paul. It's like the ultimate Chunky

Leibniz. Right. Fucking hell, mate. I'll give you Chunky Leibniz. I'll give you Chunky beads off your lips. No. No. No. Now. Bibble, bibble, right?

Bibble, bibble. That's, don't make a bibble, bibble. Fucking shut up, will you? Bloody hell. Spriff. Yes. Spriff. Now you sound mad. Now you sound mad. Now you sound mad. Oh, man.

Let's just read the letter. You just have to get a T sound at the end. Spruffed. Right. Okay, I'll read the letter. Spruffed. I've popped in some chocolate for an off-brand brand-off, he says. Do you want me to move on from that?

Yeah. Okay. Thanks, Mark, for the chocolate that I never got. Last but not least is a selection of things for a price of shite. I'll put the prices on a separate piece of paper. So if you want to play, have play. Sorry, there's a typo. If you want to play it between the two of you and reveal the prices after, you can.

So I'll just list them here for reference. So he's listed all of the items we're going to see. This is a mammoth game of Price of Shite, Paul. Well, let's just go through them as quickly as we can. It's a speed round. Diddle-iddle-it, diddle-iddle-it, diddle-iddle-it. Yes, but there's seven items in today's Price of Shite, Paul. But there's more.

I have taken pictures of these already, so I have them to hand to view myself. And all of the answers are in a sealed sort of envelope thing, Paul. You're going to have to trust me on this. And I've not peaked, I promise, Governor. You can see the tape is on. Anyway, I've taken a photo of that, but I will not be cheating because

I want betwings that have been deserved and earned. There's no... There's nothing as hollow as an old, unearned petwing. Now, I can think of something more hollow than that. Apparently, Regina Furtata's

clunge. You've got to get past the meaty caves that are pressed very close at first, but once you get into the... Yeah, alright, good. She's waiting there, Paul. I can get her out and get her to talk about a clunch if you want. Get her in here.

I'd rather not, mate. All right. No, don't bother. Okay, now, no cheating, it says, on the price of straight answers. So I'm going to put that aside and we're going to go quickly through these seven items, Paul. I'm going to have a little scrabble around in the bespoke. And he's given it to us in a nice box.

Nice cardboard box. Sturdy. And it is crammed with stuff. Sturdy box. The first thing I'm getting out. Shall we just do it like that? This is just as you like. This is an inflatable of some sort.

And it's still as new in its cellophane wrapper. And it's got a sticker of a... It is an inflatable beer bucket. Yeah. So basically it inflates and turns into a fake pint of beer. Can I... It's not a beer bucket then, is it? Oh, that's the function.

Yeah, but you can put bottles of beer in. It's big enough that you can use it as a kind of cooler. I'm opening it. There's a thumbs-up sticker on it in here. What's that for? I don't know. I don't know. I'm unfolding this.

Ah, that's a lovely item, isn't it, man? It holds up to 10 litres, apparently, on the box. I didn't give you the box. I just gave you the thing inside. I've got a picture of the box here. So you put ice in it, in the bottom, and then it's a beer cooler? Yeah, you inflate it so it looks like a great big glass of beer with a foamy top and a handle.

It certainly does. Then you fill it with ice and put bottles in. Or you could just inflate it and keep it with your other inflatables. Yeah, and you can put tonnes of tonnes of your own chunder in there as well after a night on the town. You can use it as a nice bath bag. It could actually, in all seriousness, Paul, that could be quite a good chunder receptacle because it's quite clean.

Wash it out, use it again. That would fit a lot of chunder. Ton of chunder. And it would safely collect as much chunder as you need. If you've been really poorly, that's going to... 10 litres of sick, who's ever done that? Now, Paul, that can live with the dragon. I mean, the Tyrannosaurus Rex, which I've got,

which is from the Barshan shoot. Oh, yeah. Where we gave Ryan the experience of... Jurassic Park, the ride, yeah. Going to Jurassic Park, the ride. Also, I have two large snapples. You know about those because they've been intimate with you on our Twitch streams.

Yeah, we've all seen the snapples. Yeah. And so I like've been intimate with you on our Twitch streams. We've all seen the snapples. So I like inflatable things. I have an inflatable globe. So that's nice. I'm liking that. So it's going in the land of inflatable objects. Do we need to guess a price now? Maybe not right now, but off the top of my head, I'd say that was a quid.

I'd say it was more like a pound fifty or two. Just off the top of my head. If we're playing against each other, we have to have unique prices. Is that right? I suppose. I don't see why we can't, if we go with the same price. You know what I mean? Does the letter say anything about the price range?

Yes, it does. I was trying to say that, but you tried to hustle me into the next bit. So here we go. All right. Yeah. So Mark lists all of the prices sites. So he lists, Mark lists all of the price of shites. Then he says, one catch. One was free as it was something they were going to chuck.

So it will have a price that can be guessed but for a bonus between. Oh, Mark. Oh. You're not angry about that? Oh, I don't know about that, Mark. Oh, I don't know what that's all about. Well. What can we do?

Oh. Well, it has a price is what he's saying. So he's just, you know, he just didn't pay that's all about. Well. What can we do? All right. Well, it has a price, is what he's saying. So he's just been, you know, he just didn't pay that price. It was free. Okay. Okay. And we know what happened when I tried to introduce a free item for a bit of fucking fun, which I didn't think, you know, with you, Paul.

So I'm treading on finger shells. I just did a you man I said I'm treading on finger shells why finger shells anyway ok now but here's some information about the price no item was more than

£3 only £1 there. Only £1. There's only £1 and 50p, so no pence in between. So they're all on the 50p or on the pound. Oh, okay. That's interesting. So no 75p, 25p? Or 29p.

That's a favourite of mine. 29's a very good number. I'm glad you brought attention to it. 14 as well is excellent. No. No, I mean... I mean... At least 17.

No. In some states it's illegal. Oh, shut up. Right. So it came to no more than £8.50. Oof. And they came from RS... All from one shop as well, Paul, which is also pertinent.

Okay, good. RSPCA shop in Hereford. Oof. Thanks, Mark. Okay, so you're ready to play. Yeah. We were playing. Well, you got that, Paul. I can remind you of those details. Let's just move on to the second item. Yeah. In this quickfire. And this is

a lovely item, Paul. I'm really into these. These are playing cards. Oh, yeah. Tally Ho brand, which are manufactured by A. Doherty. Right. Doherty. Doherty.

Do you know why you should wash your underpants? Why? Because they are A. Doherty. What? That was awful. They are Doherty. They are Doherty. What? That was awful. They are Doherty. They are Doherty. They're Doherty.

Do you know what the upper class twit does when he counts his prostitutes? Do you know what he says? What does he say? Tally-ho! That's, yeah. Not bad. It was better than a do-ity pair of undies. Oh, they're so do-ity, though.

They're do-ity. They're so do-ity. Now, Elo, you've got a do-ity pair of pads on, so you have. Now, these playing cards are taped shut. Now, can I ask two questions on these cards? Because I say I'm looking at them now. Question one. Yeah.

Why does it say number nine on it? Playing cards number nine. That is just like Jack Daniels number seven. It's the brand. So it's the designer of these cards is its ninth design. Yeah, that's right. And Linoid Finish. Is that some kind of rock band?

Is he like Linoid Finish? It's like a... Yes. Yes, I'm Linoid Finish. It is Linoid Finish, yeah. With my band, Linoid Finish. Yes, we rock it. These are unplayed with and they're very nice.

Oh, actually, the seven... It looks like there's wetness on the seven of clubs. What? Why is there wetness on the seven of clubs? The seven of clubs is wet. Wet? Why is it wet? Is that the Leonard finish?

Weird. I reckon Mark Honeyborn's... He's 100% honey to the... Yeah, he's splashed his honeyborn all over it. I don't know why. It's very peculiar, but that card is ruined. The Seven of Clubs is ruined. You'd be able to see from the other side.

Oh, really? That's strange. Just about. Anyway, I've never seen this design before, and they're really good. They're USA. The most famous card brand in the USA is probably Bicycle. Okay. There's another famous brand called B, as in a bumble.

Yeah. And they're made by the same company. It's one of those things, you know. All right. Well, then I'm going to guess 50p. Yeah. I'm in that range. Definitely in the range for those cards.

Right. Next. I collect cards. I know. We all know. Have you seen my pink ones? Pink Waddingtons? Yes, I've seen your pink ones.

And your all black silvery one. These will definitely go in my collection because these are fucking excellent. Great. Even the spoffy number seven. Yeah, whatever. You know, it's more of a collector's piece than an actual, you know, a tool to play games with. Now, here's another game. It's a puzzle, Paul.

This is real men play golf. A puzzle for a real man. And then there's a picture of a man swinging a club, golf club, and it says cool. It's not in a speech bubble, so you don't know whether they're saying cool, or he's saying cool, or they're saying he's cool, or who's cool. I don't know.

Oh, I see the picture now. Yeah, it looks like it's that kind of retro 50s design, so I think it's trying to be tongue-in-cheek. Yeah. There's a lot of that shit around, isn't there? I'm not a fan of it. You know those birthday cards where it's a picture of someone from the 1940s working a switchboard or going to work in a factory,

but they put a speech bubble on saying, Margaret spaffed her tits all over my big chody dick. Yeah. I know. I just don't like it. No, this is a puzzle. Oh, it's one of these puzzles where every... It's a bunch of cards or plaques that have four sides

and you have to get them all together. Is that right? Instructions place the nine tiles together so that they make up a three-by-three square and make sure that every image on each edge matches the image on this edge of the adjacent tile. So, yeah, it's kind of like a kind of pattern puzzle crossed with a Sudoku kind of logic thing.

With some sort of golf-themed, 50s golf-themed artwork. So I'm just going to go ahead and say I hate this. Yeah, terrible item. But he's done so well with the first two. Well, it is called the Price of Shite, Mr. Silverman. And that is some proper shite that I'll be re-gifting. By which I mean,

this will sit in my room for the rest of eternity. Yeah, it's a stocking filler that you buy because you don't know what else to get your dad for Christmas. Now, next item, Paul. Oh, how much do you think that was? I think that's a quid. Stop saying the price I'm going to say. It doesn't matter, does it?

We can make it match. Then what? We get all the same amount per twing? There's no winner then? But there's a bonus, isn't it? One of us might get the bonus. We guess the price

and know it's free. That's not the bonus per twing. He just said get the price of the thing. Yeah, but so... He just said guess the price of the free one. We don't have to guess

that it's the free one. No. So he got it for free but he's put it down a price. Yeah. Oh, God. He said, look, didn't you hear? I did.

I'll move on. What's the next item? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Eli's a top handle. Jesus. Jesus. Come on. These are Union Jack mitten things.

Oh, they're egg cozies. You put a little Union Jack egg cozy on an egg to keep it warm when you serve it. How big is your fucking egg? This is huge for an egg. It's one size fits all, isn't it? These are terrible. Union Jack egg cosies? More like bollock warmers.

I reckon you could get both of your balls and your dick in one of those. No, I'll get one bollock in each, just. No. You could get easily your whole load inside one of those tiny little pockets. No, I couldn't get my whole load in there. Who could? Fucking. Right, here's also an elephant.

I'd wear mine on top of my end, like a little hat. Um, egg cosies, God. Right, what do you think price for those then, Paul? I'm going to say that's £1.50. Stop saying it, the thing that I'm going to say. Well, then guess first, you twat. I will with some of these, Jesus Christ. Right, little elephant.

I believe Indian. Oh, is this the next item? Yeah. Oh, I see it now. Yeah, the ornate, weird, ornamental elephant with a kind of... What kind of design is that? It's got mirrored tilesrored tiles again if you're if you're wondering what these things look like images will be available on the website the

cheap show.co.uk that accompany this episode oh it's nice this elephant reminds me of sort of hippie tat that you used to get in in camden town market back in the 80s well i had some of these in my house growing up some some of these elephants. So he's going to live with all the other animals on the shelf up there. I think it's not too bad as those things go, isn't it? I mean, it's cheap and horrible and nasty, but it's unique. Glittery elephant.

It's weird though, because from a distance it looks diseased. It's got like carbuncles all over its legs and its tummy. It's got beads pressed into its eyes. It's kind of mottled, yeah. It's mottled with barnacles. It's got trunk... Dutch... Dutch trunk

elms disease. Trunk elms disease. Whatever's funniest, Eli, quick. Shut up. Shut up. Right. Did it, did it, did it. Oh, Eli the elephant went the pub to get himself drunk on absinthe. Off he went with a spoffity spoff.

Spoff, spoff, spoff. The head of the pub was calling, get out my pub. They took him out and they beat him up and they threw him in the street. Oh, Eli the elephant, what a cunt. He'll go home full of his bruises. Then he'll spoff onto a big inflatable beer bottle. Spoff, spoff, spoff. Is that good?

Right, no, that was very, very bad. Even by the standards of this show, Paul, that was substandard. It's not going on a T-shirt. No one's going to remember it. Yeah, let's have a little go. Shall I have a little go at it? You have a little go.

All right. Excuse me. Okay. Oh, Eli the elephant spoffed his broth and fucking wagged in a circus. I stand corrected. It is a superior version.

Yeah, thank you. Yeah, thank you. Now, what price for the elephant, Paul? 50p. I'm going to go as high as maybe £2 on that these aren't the final prices everybody yeah next item Paul yes

I don't know what it is it's a cookie cutter no it's an egg thing fried eggs isn't it you butter it up you put it in a frying pan break an egg into it and it forms the shape of a chicken which is horrific is it well yeah isn't it weird to have the shape of a chicken, which is horrific. Is it? Well, yeah. Isn't it weird to have the shape of an animal in the thing that you're eating?

Like, imagine if you ate a chicken and it looked like a... Oh, it does look like a chicken. Yeah, you know what I mean? What's weird about it? What if they made sausages that looked like a pig? Yeah. I'd eat those. Sausage pig. Yeah. But Paul, it's not even that, though, isn't it? It's if they made caviar in the shapeusage pig. Yeah. But Paul, it's not even that though, isn't it?

It's if they made caviar in the shape of a fish. Yes. That's the equivalent, isn't it? If you got a load of caviar, put it in a mould and pressed it into the shape of a fish and then ate it. Or taramasa lata. Taramasa lata. Right. So this is an egg maker, a novelty fried egg cooker.

Yeah, egg. I don't know what you call it. Fried egg shaper. Yeah, fried egg shaper. It's a fried egg shaper. What do you think the price on the fried egg shaper? I'm going to say 50p for that. I would say higher, probably.

Last item is really awful. Really, really awful. And I just want to say, I don't like clowns. I don't like clowns. Oh, yeah, it's that little clown, isn't it? Fucking horrible. Let's have a look at it again. I bought a clown for a price of shite once.

It's not because I liked the clown. I thought it would piss Paul off. I'm not into clowns. No. This is particularly horrid. That's the clown that's at the end of your bed, and then you close your eyes, and then when you open them, the clown's moved.

That is like the clown out of Poltergeist, but that was red, I believe. And this is blue and checkered. This is very, very small. I mean, I'm putting this clown on the elephant. What kind of clown design is that? Is that like more European, French kind of clown, or is it? You went to clown school, didn't you?

Fucking, I knew that was coming. I knew that was fucking coming. I'm asking you a question because you went to fucking clown dance school. Are you belittling me? You're belittling me and my professional training. You went to after school clown school.

After school. I don't know what fucking type of clown it is. Father, after school, can you drop me off at clown college where I can put on a clown costume, daddy? And your dad just went, ugh. I think it is a European sort of clown design actually Paul he's got a little bean bag body and then arms and legs

the build quality is not that poor on this it's reasonably well put together a hard plastic like a Bakelite I don't like it I don't like it one little bit right so I don't know I'm going to say that's that's a pound yeah i'm

looking at around that level so i think we should all pick unique answers paul or just say higher or lower so that we get good per twingage all right then we'll do it yeah we'll do it the price of right way then well you'll give a price and i'll just say if it's higher or lower all right and then we we take turns doing that with all the items, yeah? Yeah. Have you got a pen and paper pencil ready? Hang on. No. Right, I've got a pen now and paper. I'm all good.

Hello, I'm Linoid Nimoy. Linoid Nimoy. Right. Ready? Yes, I'm ready now. After you stop saying Linoid Nimoy. Oh, brilliant. Ready? Yes, I'm ready now. After you stop saying Linoid Nimoy. Brilliant. Now, the first item is the clown, Paul.

You guess the price for this, firstly. I'm going to say it is £1. And I think it is higher. Okay. Next, what's the next item? Decorative elephant. All right, go on. What do you think?

You guessed this time. Go on, what do you think? You guessed this time. Go on, what do you think? I'm going to say... Oh, here he goes. He don't know. 150. 150. All right, and I'm going to say lower.

Egg cozies. Egg cozies. I'm going to say... Egg cozies want a price review. I'm going to say 150 as well. I'll go higher. Oh, you're going higher again. Next.

Playing cards. Oh, you guess here higher again. Next. Playing cards. Oh, you guess here now. I'm going to guess playing cards. I'll put them on one. One quid, I think they were. I'll go lower. Golf puzzle game. I'm going to say that was two quid.

Price from you, please. Two quid. And I think it was lower. A fried egg chicken shaper, Paul. No, you guess this one. That's a unique sentence to me. Oh, I guess it. 50p for that.

I'll say higher then. Okay. And lastly, the inflatable beer bucket, which was our first item. The inflatable beer bucket. Who's guessing me? More of a cooler, I'd say, but still, nice item. It's me, so I'll say £2. I'll say higher.

You're going to say higher? Yeah, I'm rolling the dice. Oh, you sneaky bastard. You said you took the packaging off that. Mate, I'm rolling the dice, mate. I'm a fucking maverick price of shite player. Paul, was there packaging that came with that item? Yes, but there was no price on it.

Really? I don't know the price, and until you open the paper, you don't know the price either. Did you photograph the packaging? Yeah, I can send you a picture of it, and there's no price on the package. Okay. How fucking dare you? But that might be the reason why it was free, because they'd lost the packaging,

or it was damaged in some way. Well, no. Which would be information I wasn't fucking privy to. Here we go. It's where you start nitpicking in case I win. They were going to chuck, so he says they were going to throw out the free item. Why, I wonder. Maybe they've thrown out the cards because of the spoffy card.

Yeah, that's what my guess is. Well, you can't now. That's my guess. I've just changed it. I've just changed it to my guess now. No, it's not. No, it's not your guess. Everyone, no, you didn't. And you can't edit your way out of this. You're cheating now, Paul. Just because you're bored or whatever, you didn't. And you can't edit your way out of this. And you're cheating now, Paul.

Just because you're bored or whatever, you want to have, you know, something else to do. Stop. I'm opening the secret answers. Open the answers. Clown. Clown, how much is it? It's the first one.

Clown, you said one pound Yes Our survey said a pound Oh, I'm spot on That's a patwing for me Give me it It's double patwing, Paul Have you forgotten?

Oh, yeah We haven't even done the scoring part Ladies and gentlemen, very quickly If you get the price spot on, it's two patwings If you get it within 25p, higher or lower the actual price It's one patwing Now we can move on. No, there's other per twings.

It doesn't matter in this game, does there? Shut up. You're horrible, you are. Anyway. Next. Decorative elephant. I said £1.50. Yeah.

It was £2. Oh, so no points for either of us. And Paul, you said lower. No, I think because he said nothing was 25p either way. So the rule has to be if it's 50p either way, you get a per twing. Oh, look who's changing the fucking rules now. No, because he said it's only 50 or quid. So you can't ever get a single per twing.

I've read ahead and I've seen that I've fucking lost this. So I'm going to try and wrestle back some fucking wins. Everyone, including Mark Honeyborn, would agree with me that he set out certain parameters for this special bespoke edition of The Price of Shite. And because it's meaningless, can't you see? If every price is 50 or a pound, as he stipulates, then you can't be within 25p of the between-between price, can it? You get a between, then. So it should be 50p. One between for Eli.

I fucking... Yeah, give it to me properly, though. Here we go. Without sarcasm. Here we go. Here we go. Yeah? Yeah?

Between. Good one. Thank you. And also Paul I can reveal to you now that the decorative elephant was the free item so no between for either of us there

They were going to throw that out I wonder why, I must have lost some tiles or something That's why they wanted to throw it out It was free anyway The next item on the list of answers is the egg cozies 150 Our survey said £1 Yeah, maybe. The next item on the list of answers is the egg cozies. Paul, you said... £1.50.

Our survey said £1. Oh, so that's a patwing for me. So give me a patwing, please. Patwing. Thank you. And I said... Lower. No, higher.

You said higher. I said higher. So you won. I don't get anything there. Nothing again. Yeah. And on to the playing cards, Paul. Playing cards, yes.

What did you say for the playing cards? I said a pound. And I thought lower than a pound. They are 50p, so we both get a between there. Yes, we'll both get one between. I agree with you on that. Are you counting your own betwings? I am.

I've lost count now. You've got two. I've got four. I think we're two all now. No, I've got four. You've got two. I've got four. I think we're two all now. No, I've got four. You've got two. Yeah. Okay.

Next is the golf puzzle game. I said two pounds. You said lower than two pounds. It was. You get two betwings for that. Was it two pound? Yes. Give me the betwings, you bastard.

Betwing, betwing. Oh, cheeky little betwings. Next is the fried egg chicken shaper. Yeah. Fried egg chicken shaper. Fried egg chicken shaper. You said, I said, hello, I said

50p. 50p. I said higher. It was a pound. I get a betwing there. You said higher. You also get a betwing. Yeah. Excellent. That's what I just said. Are you writing down the betwings, by the way? I am. I know you're going to win. Yeah, excellent. That's what I just said. Yeah, I know. So, are you writing down the betwings, by the way? I am. I know you're going to win in everything. Oh, I do know I'm going to win. Last item, the inflatable beer

bucket. Yes. I said two pounds, Paul said higher, it was three pounds. I also got it spot on. I don't get a between. So I'm having a between between for that. Fucking hell. So, I think, Eli, if I'm measuring correctly, you have only got four per twings,

whereas I've got one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine per twings. It's possibly a record on Cheap Show. Well done. I don't know about you. Well done, well done. But I'm going to stroke my fucking length right now. Oh, fuck off. Eli the Elephant, suck my length,

and then you got a gob full of chunder. What a great win. I'm feeling great. Thank you, Mark, for that wonderful price of shite. Paul, just curious, what was your favourite and least favourite item of Mark's beautiful bespokepoke Price is Right selection today? Favourite is the beer thing. I think you can probably use that.

And least favourite is the clown because fuck clowns. I'd say the clown is the worst, yeah, but my favourite would be the playing cards. Which is fair enough. It's in your wheelhouse, isn't it, sir? It certainly is. I'll tell you how I should end this segment. I didn't give you your last between, so I'm going to give you

your last between, which is only fair. I don't want you to deny the between. All right. Oh, between. Thanks. Nice.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages, it is time to say goodbye once again. Goodbye. What a lovely time we've had. And thank you again, Mark, for your big box of Cheap Show content goodness. Apart from the chocolate, which was eaten.

I ate all of that, and I don't have any regrets. I don't know what else to say. What else? No, that's it. If you want to support the podcast, you can on patreon.com forward slash cheap show. Give as little as you want to as much as you want. If you can support us in this weird time,

then we appreciate it. But if you can't, then do what we always do and just retweet and share the love. Or just listen to it by yourself, just in the dark and don't do anything ever. Sometimes I have a bath

and I put a podcast on. What else? Wank. My day is wank shit bath bed, w, wank shit, bath, bed, wank shit, bath, bed, wank shit, bath, bed. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Take no. Yes, it's me, Lennon Finish, with my new song, Sleep, Wank, Bath and Bed. It's going to be the greatest new hit if all of christendom yes yes yes yes

oh i feel it yes yes yes in the night feel it yes yes yes i feel it yes yes yes in the night yes yes yes i feel it yes yes in the night just now. Just stop it now. Alright. Thanks everyone. We've had a few entries for the Your Envision competition which are all great. Now we're not going to listen to them until we actually listen to them live. So we're going to just download them and then surprise

ourselves with them. But I think we're going to do that sometime in June. Thanks for sending those in. So if you want to send anything in to Cheap Show, a Eurovision Song Contest, a Tales from the Dance Floor, Shop Floor, or any floor you like, thecheapshow at gmail.com. On Twitter, it's

at thecheapshowpod. I'm at PaulGannonShow and Eli is... Eli Snoid. E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. If you go to the website, thecheapshow.co.uk, you can see images and sometimes videos that accompany these episodes and also there are links there to for instance events cheap show magazine page we can order physical copies of the cheap show magazine and they're brilliant there's also tony's red bubble

art page for all the merch you like uh from cheap show and then we have the awards there's a link on our front page that will send you to the cheapap Show Awards 2020 where you can cast your vote. And I think that's it. Oh, I've got a book coming out. If you want to help me with that, it's unbound.com forward slash books forward slash ghosts. I'm nearly at 50%. That's good. My radio show on Soho Radio is on this Sunday after this comes out.

Well, yeah, but then when people listen to this in the future and it's an old episode, it doesn't matter. So just say every two Sundays a month you can listen to me on that. Just do that. I'm just saying. I don't care. You should care about what you do, you stupid prick. I'm done. You've upset me now. Fuck you. Fuck off. Fuck off, mate. You know what? With that

Coop de Gracie, I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm gonna go now. Stick this up your arse. Alright. Weird. Bye now. Stick this up your arse. All right. Weird. Bye. Goodbye. Goodbye.

Bye, everyone. I'm sorry. Turn it down! Turn it down Oh Yeah, I'm rapping I'm going mad Lockdown is making me feel Kinda sad, so I keep busy Yeah, I keep busy Making stuff

Hoping that the next inspiration Makes me a little bit more tough Ooh, I like it Girl, tough oh i like it girl you know i like it when we dance to music oh the kind of music that you dance to the music the lovely music make it dance to the music oh now i'm gonna get down with the business, business, business, spoffy, spoffy business, spoffy business, spoffy, my business. Shut up! Spoffy business. Spoffy business.

Spoffy business. Oh! Spoffy business. Come and get your spoffy, spoffy business. On your chin, love. Oh, come on, fluff. Get down on your knees. Look at me up and down.

You lost it. And then you sneeze. And I sneez sneeze too. The cat's in the flat. I'll make sure he is out before we get down to it. And then I give you some irriton. Throw the cat out. And then you have a bit of a drink.

And then we're on the couch. And then you've had enough. And then you get ready, go for the launch of the spoff. Oh, it's just spoff. E-business. Spoffy business. Spoffy business. Spoffy business. Spoffy

business. Spoffy business. It's spoffy business. You back? Shut up You knew I was back You knew I was back for ages And you had to fucking go through the fucking rhyme

It's Buffy Business