CheapShow - Ep 177: Suck Vac 3000

Episode Date: May 8, 2020

This week, it may be worth bearing in mind that the lock down is having an effect on Paul and Eli's brain. For instance, when Paul puts on a puppet show for his co-host, it doesn't end well for Mr Cocky Crocodile, put it that way. Also witness the sad story of the Suck Vac 3000, a machine built for one purpose and it's one that Eli plans to exploit. At some point the cheap chaps remember the point of this podcast and test some cheap snacks, discover a new "tales from the dancefloor", reveal an insidious radio DJ conspiracy and dive into a whole new "Silverman's Platter" where it all gets funky. Finally, we give you the gift of exercise... which is anything but routine. And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-177-suck-vac-3000 If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! AWARDS: Vote Now @projectcheapsk8 www.tinyurl.com/cca2020vote MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Paul is writing a book! Want to help make it happen? https://unbound.com/books/ghosts/

Hoo! Hoo! Come on! You know what? Already I've regretted putting the video on for this episode recording. No, come on. It's nice seeing your face when we record. Good. Yeah, nice seeing you as well. I'm not actually looking at you. I'm looking at you. Wanking as I do.

It's like Eli Silverman's OnlyFans site. Listen, you don't have to do wanking on OnlyFans, I discovered. I know, but I do. Alright, so it's not only for wanking, then. It's like a Patreon video service sort of thing, right? Yeah, I guess. I don't know. I just know that I go there for a proper good

grumbling. My favourite account at the moment... You're not joking about this? No, my favourite account at the moment is... It's a weird name it's just called Wide Gloria really you're not joking

are you however Wide Gloria and then there's another one I go to called Hollow Bob and it's there

Hollow Bob has a very interesting I don't know what you want to call it party favour a trick but he can put a whole

massive bottle of Jack Daniels right up his arsehole. What about a melon? No. And then what he does is he gets another Jack Daniels bottle and he drinks it down his mouth. He drinks it down his mouth. He drinks it down his mouth.

He drinks it down his mouth. And then it goes all the way down and then fills up the bottle that he's inserted inside of him. You could put a bottle of Jack Daniels in a melon by pouring it in a hole in the melon. Then you could fuck the hole quickly, just quickly, whilst you're in the process, you know. And then... What process? You're just about to put a Jack Daniels filled melon up your bum.

Oh, it goes up your bum. So hang on. So you fuck it first. Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Cheap Show. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept.

Cheap Show you're gonna have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap Show Off-brand, brand-off, off-brand, brand-off Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap Cheap Show It's the price of shite. Paul Gannon. Eli Silverman.

Welcome to Cheat Show. And a go and a nuzzle. One of our finest starts, I think you'll find. Oh, I didn't think it was. I was going to be all high tempo and you just went straight to like, oh. What's high tempo for Eli Silverman? Hello, it's the high tempo Eli Silverman. I do not like high tempo Eli Silverman.

Hello, Paul, what's coming up on the show? It's a cheap show, hello. Oh, today, Eli, oh, we've got a little dive into a post box to pull out a Tales from the Shot Floor. And then finally, I believe you've arranged a nice selection of platters. I certainly have. I've got three separate platters. A little bit of a deep dive.

It's on Silverman's Platters. Hey, did you hear someone's posted on Twitter saying they were listening to Steve Wright in the afternoon, which already makes me doubt their sanity. But they were listening, and Steve Wright, who we featured on the show before with his quote-unquote music, he said they're going to splatter the platters that matter. Yes, I mean, I think that is probably not even him. That goes back to people like Wolfman Jack or whatever,

you know, those famous rock and roll DJs. Did he say splatter, though? You're saying he's in league with Edmunds and he's nicking stuff from Cheap Show? I'm saying this goes right to the top, Mr Silverman. I'm saying this goes way beyond Noel. Are we through the looking glass here, though? Noel is just a patsy for the Steve Wright conglomerate.

I wouldn't be surprised if Noel turned out to be like an android that Steve Wright built at the height of his powers back in the early 80s. What if it's not just him? What if it's the whole... Light entertainment industry? Well, no. Radio DJs, specifically.

They're all robots controlled by... Steve Wright. I wouldn't be surprised. That shot makes so much more sense now. Think about it. Kenny Everett broke the rules so Steve Wright had him dismantled. Yes, and that's where he learnt the

technique of building a convincing breakfast show presenter. A lot of it is about 50% facial hair, isn't it? Yeah. You've got to get the facial hair algorithm. His masterpiece must be Edmunds. The facial hair algorithm on that

robot. It's just beautiful. It's actually awe-inspiring. It's an awe-inspiring piece of coding from Steve Wright in his master lab. The rumour though is that before Edmunds, the first prototype was the DLT-4000. But that went rogue.

That went rogue. No fucking shit, it went rogue. And of course, we all know what happened to Savalbot. We read that interview with DLT3000, didn't we? He was obviously already glitching. He thought he was a comedian. He had his programs were wrong, weren't they? So we now have to focus all our attention on Steve Rice.

Because he's been quietly sitting at the sidelines like a Machiavellian warlord. Or like the Wizard of Oz, the guy behind the curtain, isn't he? Yeah. Watch out, righty. We're coming for you. If you do a TV show, he doesn't do TV anymore. He never really was a TV presenter. I don't think he ever really had a good whack at it.

I'm sure he tried. He's definitely appeared on TV quite a lot. But yeah, I don't know about his... He's definitely presented some kind of quiz show. Are you drinking booze? You're on the boozes. No, I'm not. It's cider.

You've swapped drug of preference in lockdown because of availability, haven't you? You're hammering the booze. Mate, you have no idea how tough it is on the inside. I'm so. So other than that, how have you been? How have you been? Yeah, not too bad, you know. I am actually inside. So? So other than that, how have you been? How have you been? Yeah, not too bad, you know. I am actually losing my mind, but apart from that, not too bad.

Also at that point where it's like, my first thought of the day is, what's the point? And it's followed by, how much time can I kill until I have a bath? Yeah, I literally wake up, have a cup of tea, eat two or three chocolate bars, and then go back to sleep for three hours. Is that healthy? Is that healthy, though? It's not. It's how most prisoners live. I've been getting well into chocolate, though.

Wow. I know. You said that last week. You said you've had a kind of chocolate onslaught. I'll tell you what. Ritter Sport, Paul. Wow, they do so many varieties. So many.

Well, Jacob's Crack crackers are also a fine biscuit. Shut up. No, listen. What, you've been getting into Jacob's? They do nothing. I was making a piss-poor joke about the idea that you're in the pocket of Ritter's and I'm in the pocket of Jacob's.

I'd rather be in Ritter's pocket. I think you'd be right. I think I'd rather be in Ritter's. Ritter's shitter. I was going to say something, but that worked better. About nudging Ritter's helmet warmly. I took the Ritter last night. Ritter's sport.

That would be a good bit of Cockney rhyming slang. I tell you what, she's a bit of Ritter's sport, isn't she? Why is it called Ritter's sport? That's like calling crisps active cheese and onion or something. It's like calling something exercise burger or something like that. Yeah, exercise burger. Yeah, they do very good ones. I had a strawberry yogurt one.

And I had a butter biscuit, and I mentioned that before, one. That was extremely good and marzipan move on then let me just say one thing the delay is much better on zoom the weird thing is and this is a bit of a how the sausage is made

but when I edit what? that's a perfectly fine analogy why is that funny? because you never said that. I've known you for years. This is a bit of a how the sausages meet anecdote. Yeah, it is how the sausages meet.

Sorry, I'll stop interrupting you. So, I got an email today through the website, thecheapshow.co.uk, but you can also email us, thecheapshow at gmail.com. However, this email is for you Eli and the subject matter says Eli you fucking name shamer what have you done now let's find out

recently I have been going through the back catalogue of Cheap Show episodes and found something so deeply offensive that I just had to write in I'm looking at his face and he does look perturbed, ladies and gentlemen. Perturbed. In episode 125, The Human

Lavatory, Paul creates a throwaway character called Alan Stiff Stiff. Eli then rips into Paul for his shambolic lack of creative prowess when creating his character names.

The argument Eli made was that Paul uses random stupid words that aren't even names and then doubles them up. This time, Eli, you are wrong. Stiff is my real name. It's my fucking name. So I sit here brokenhearted that the Noodle King, set high upon his throne of grotty unwashed underwear, sees fit to strip my name of legitimacy.

His name's Rob Stiff. Rob Stiff. Well, it's... I'm sorry. Sorry, Rob. Is there anything you'd like to say in response? It doesn't appear...

It's not a name I've come across. I haven't come across a Stiff in a long while. Right, back to the end of that segment. Let's get the show going. Sadly, at this point of the show, Eli's computer failed him and we lost a segment, which is bad.

Luckily, we had a backup recording, which is good. However, it's off segment, which is bad. Luckily, we had a backup recording, which is good. However, it's off zoom, which is bad, but it's not awful quality, which is good. So we have to use it, which is bad. Wizards good, which is bad. Ha ha ha. I made a funny. Anyway, it's only for the next 20 or so minutes of the podcast. You can cope with that. On with the show. All right, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, before we go on to the next section, I've got a brand new character.

Eli's going to see him now on the camera screen, especially on Zoom. Here we go. Who's this? Who's this, Mr Silverman? Ella! Ella! It's Dick dickhead crocodile.

His name is Cocky Crocodile. Okay. I'm that good at sports. I'm that good at eggs. I'm that good at drinking. I'm that good at eating. And who owns you? Are you a wild, are you a free crocodile?

I am a free crocodile. Okay, what do you get up to? Just so the audience, you know, got some backstory. I don't want to boast, but I'm the best at riding a bike. I'm the best at climbing a mountain. I'm the best at eating poop. I'm the best at combing hair. You're

cocky, are you? That's right. I'm cocky. I'm the best at sweeping clothes. I'm the best at sweeping clothes. I'm the best at swimming. I'm the best. Right. At sucking cock? I'm the very best at sucking cock. That's what I wanted to hear. It's

snap time. He's a I'm the best at fighting. I'm the best at anal. I'm the best at fighting I'm the best at anal I'm the best at yeah I think I'm just the best

I'm bright cocky cocky crocodile I think one of the other characters might have something to say about being the best at a certain thing because I think one of the other characters

I'm the best at rapping are you? or are is he the best at a certain thing. Because I think one of the other characters... I'm the best at rapping. Are you? Or is he the best at giving a certain amount of space, apportioning space parcels out in a vigorous manner? I'm the best at inching. No, you're not! I'm the best at inching.

Right, I'm going to get him. Wait, oh no, who's this? Eedle, eedle, eedle. Eeloo, eeloo, eeloo. What's all this then? I'm Officer Keep get him! Wait, oh no, who's this? Eedle, eedle! Iloo, Iloo, Iloo! What's all this then? I'm... Officer Keepit in check. Officer Keepit in check. What? Larry, get over here!

Larry, you're needed over here. Yeah. What's all this then? Iloo, Iloo, Iloo. I'm the best at being a policeman. Come out the antechamber. Come out... Okay, here he is. Where's your cocky crocodile? Because I've got someone... The best at cocky crocodile. Right. I've got someone here. Iloo, I is. Where's your cocky crocodile? – Because I've got someone who wants to say... – The best at cocky crocodile. Right. Hello, hello, hello.

– What's all this then? – I've got someone... I've got someone here who wants to talk to the cocky crocodile. Who's this then? Hey, what do you do? I am policeman keeper in check. Put the crocodile on. Hello. Right! Who's this?

What's it... You good at inches? You there? I'm the best at inches. Right, I don't think you are. I'll give you... Right, give me an inch. Now. Inch. Very bad. I'll give you an inch. Inch! Do you want another? No, I can't take it. I'm not the best at inching. I'm not the best.

Do you want another? No, you're not. Inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it Oh, what crazy characters. Cocky crocodile and policeman keeper in check. Larry, are you okay? Larry? Larry? Inchman's had a turn. I called him Larry. What happened to Inchman?

Is his name Larry? Yeah, it's Larry Inchman. Larry Inchman? Yeah. He's on the floor. I don't know what... Larry? Inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch,

inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch,

inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, sorry I let you down Inch right he's gone those are terrible characters Paul now that we've killed five minutes let's crack on with the show okay what have we got we've got a P.O. box

and we have a letter and it is both a bit of a cheap eats and it's a little bit of well it's mostly a tales from the shop floor shall I read thou letter

read thou letter to the most gracious reverent and distinguished Eli Silverman and his noteworthy care in the community assistant, Paul Gannon. What does he mean? He means you're mad or I'm mad? He says you're a classy gent and I am a care in the community's assistant. Yeah, but that implies that I'm the care in the community guy that you're caring for. Oh.

Well, mate, what's your name? I need to read this out. His name's Chris. Chris, you are going to have to work on your metaphors. It's not clear, is it? I mean, the whole bit about me being a gentleman's fine, but... Yeah. Let's just rephrase it to Eli and Paul.

Hello. Hello. The good lady and I thoroughly enjoy the podcast. What's her name? The good lady? What's the good lady? How's she good? Yeah, what way is she good?

What's she good? The good lady? The good lady? What, Mother Teresa? Could be. Could be Virgin Mary. Florence Nightingale. Yeah, could be.

Nating Florence Nightingale. Lynn Foldswood. Marlotte Thatcher. Esther Rudson. Some people thought she was good. It's nicey, Gail. Lin Foldswood. Marlotte Thatcher.

Esther Rudson. She was good. She could chomp down on a cock, couldn't she, Esther? Right, well, great. Imagine those teeth. Chomp in your helmet. I'd be like, no, Esther. I am better than Esther. I am better than Esther.

Oh, quick, no cocky crocodile. Naughty cocky crocodile. Good lady. He seems to have arrived from the 1970s, this Chris. What's all this? Thou art, gentlemen of distinguished merit. Is this from fucking Reece Smog or something? Right.

Anyway, I thoroughly enjoyed the podcast and wish to contribute in some small way. It gives us great pleasure to present... Oh, with great pleasure. Well, get the good lady to fold her skirt over. Right. It gives us great pleasure to present you the gift of sensory arousal in the form of flavoured coffee

and chocolate-covered jelly beans. Sniff, sniff, sniff. Oh. I hope you guys can make use of them. Both picked up at home bargains for a quid each. Oh. And I've got them here. Oh.

Look, I'm showing them to Eli. Look. Those are Walker's jelly beans. Made in Britain. That's not the same Walker's, though, is it? No. This is a chocolate Walker's of some kind. I've never seen that brand, Walker's.

Because Walker's is what's laser known as in this country, as we know. No, as far as I know... What's the huff like? What kind... Are they all different flavours? I mean... I presume so, cos on the back... ...there are multi-coloured... Well, I'll show you! Look, there's multi-coloured jelly beans. But they've all got a little bit of chocolate on, but it all looks, as a result, like...

What?! ...someone had a bit of a shit on their heads. If you can see that, can you see it? Ah, it looks like someone's pooed on a dildo. Look, he doesn't look happy. It looks like someone's used a dildo for rear entry and has come away with a little present. And didn't know the dildo had sentience. Poor dildo. Oh, right. Sentient shit-stained dildo. What's the harm?

It smells like cheap chocolate and cheap sugar. Can I just say, can I just ask, Paul, what is this meant to be? Chocolate-covered jelly beans? Chocolate-covered jelly beans. That's a monstrosity and an aberration that should never have left the committee. They're big old beans, though. Look at that.

Oh, it's a chunky, chunky bean. Yeah. It's a big, chunky bean. And look, what am I doing? Give it a flick. Give it a flick. I'll tell you what, Eli, I'll just lick the bean to start before I err. I don't

envy you, because these sound disgusting, mate. They sound disgusting. I'm just licking the bean lightly at first. I'll just eat the fucking bean. I'll just licking the bean lightly at first. I'll just eat the fucking bean. I'm just licking it and then a little bit more pressure and a little quicker just to get the chocolate off. I'm going to piss in your mouth.

I'm urinating. That is truly disgusting. I'm sending the video off. I don't want to see you fellating a minuscule bean. Right, I'm going to eat it. I'm sending the video off. Right, I'm just going to eat... I don't want to see you fellating a minuscule bean. Right, I'm going to eat it. I'm going to bite it off. Fucking get on with it. Oh, God.

God. It can't be that bad. It can't be gag-worthy. It is a lime jelly bean with cheap chocolate all over it. I am not happy with that. Really, really bad. Stop! You're just doing that for show now.

I'm not. Oh, I'm trying to swallow it. It's not going down. So, do you want me to test another one, see if there's any different flavours? Yeah, yeah. Try not to vomit, though. Here's the next one. Next one.

Oh, God. Oh, yeah. Try not to vomit, though. Here's the next one. Next one. Oh, God. Oh, God. What flavour is that? Oh, God. It's like lemon or lemon. Oh, God. It tastes like toilet cleaner and chocolate. Okay.

So, it's the artificial... It's artificial with the chocolate. Oh, God. Oh, God. Well, Paul, I feel... I feel left out here. Why would you want that? Why would you want that sensation in your mouth?

I don't get it. Right. Anyway, the other thing he sent is this. Beanies, variety pack of flavoured chocolate. Sorry, coffee. Oh, God. They're awful. I've had those.

Double chocolate, gingerbread, nutty hazelnut, very vanilla, mint chocolate, cinnamon hazelnut. Which one should I try? Don't they have an Irish one in there? Oh, I didn't see the other side of the pack. Amaretto almond, Irish cream, creamy caramel, chocolate orange, cookie dough, coconut delight. Go for the Irish cream, please. Do you like that? I'm going to try it. Let's find it.

Got creamy coffee, orange, coconut... Irish Cream! Irish Cream. Now, I'm gonna test it, because I have prepared... ...a glass, a flask of Hotted Water. Ah! I'm testing this. Shake the packet. Now, I'm gonna give the Powdered Coffee a huff.

Well, it smells like Irish cream coffee. What does that mean, though? Irish coffee is just coffee with whiskey in it. Yeah. Irish whiskey in it. Yeah. Or sugar. Or Baileys in coffee or something. You know what I mean?

Depends. Yeah. Right. But this hasn't got any booze in it. No. So that's what I mean. What's the taste that makes it Irish-y? Does it taste of whiskey?

What does Irish cream taste of? I think it's that whiskey cream kind of thing. You know, that almost Malibu-y kind of thing. Not Malibu. Bailey's. How do you make something taste of booze but not have booze? Do you know what I mean?

Science. I don't know if they can do that. That's why... I suppose non-alcoholic beer now, these days, they say it's very good. Yeah. But wine is... They can't do wine.

Still can't do wine. Good. Right, I'm testing it. I'm just going to put... Right. Hot can't do wine. Still can't do wine. Good. Right, I'm testing it. I'm just going to put... Right. Hot water has been added. Now, when it comes to actually adding the hot water, a lot of that Irish cream smell absolutely disappears. So what smell is left? Kind of like cute coffee and a little bit of cream

smelling. Is there... Is it... It's black, like there's no cream in the actual... No, I'll show you it. Look. It looks just like coffee. It's just like coffee, isn in the actual No, I'll show you it, look. It looks just like coffee. It's just like coffee, innit? Well, I'm going to have a sip. No, it's just poor coffee with a slight flavour to it. What's the slight flavour?

Well, it is a little bit, it's not even Irish coffee, Irish flavouring, it's more... Vanilla? Yeah, vanilla, maybe. They're all just vanilla, they're shit, aren't they? Well, there we go. It's not worth trying Yeah, vanilla, maybe. They're all just vanilla. They're shit, aren't they? Well, there we go. It's not worth trying to save money on coffee. It's actually not, to be fair.

You're right. It's not. I do think the stuff... We should do that on an off-brand brand-off. We should do a coffee off. Do you know what, Paul? I'd love to do an off-brand brand-off on coffee. But, you know, he's on the run.

He's on the run. So you'd have to sort of get in touch with him through one of his networks of underground minions. Well, the plan I heard was that we get to go to

a place where he chooses and we do it there. It might be a warehouse. I'm up for that as long as we've got the security protocol in place. Yeah, yeah.

I think we'll have to go in the back of a van with bags on our heads before we get there. But, yeah, it is possible. Will there be soft nusslage in the sacks? Yeah. Will there be?

Yeah. Will there be? Yeah, come on. And what will happen with the nusslage? It'll go too far and then I'll get a load of your sticky, sticky essences all over my chinny-chin-chin. It didn't really make you sick to your sticky, sticky essences all over my chinny-chin-chin. It didn't really make you sick to your throat, that thing, did it?

Yes, it did. It was horrible. My body was actively trying to reject it. See, the idea maybe makes sense, but... No, it doesn't. No, I mean, it could potentially make sense, but not with those ingredients. Let me ask you this. Oh, God. Have you had a chocolate-flavoured

Jelly Belly? Is that a sex act? No. You know Jelly Bellies. Yeah, I know Jelly Bellies. I've not had a chocolate-covered one. I have.

I didn't know they did them. They do chocolate-flavoured ones, don't they? Yeah, but that's not the same, is it? So it's a chocolate-flavoured... I know it's not the same, but it's better.

It's a related topic, isn't it? I don't know. Yeah, they're two related categories. Because I asked you if you've had a chocolate-covered jelly belly and you went, yeah. And then you went,

chocolate-flavoured. And it's not the same thing. No, they're related. They're adjacent. No. They're adjacent. Yes, they are. That's the difference between saying

your blood is made of chocolate and then saying your hand is covered in chocolate. Wow. That didn't work at all. No, it did. You made that clear, yeah. Yeah, good. Right, so let's carry on with Chris's letter,

which is now a ta-ta-ta-ta-tales from the shop, shop, shop, shop, shop, floor, floor, floor. Okay, give us this. I'll see if I can predict. Right. It doesn't sound very... There's not much spof, poo, vom or pee-pee in the opening salvo. But that's fine.

We don't want people to think this is an open door for shit stories, you know? He did, however, refer to his partner as the good lady. I can't get over that. And I can't talk to her character so it's all on him yes right here we go go for it when our daughter was at university we would occasionally pick her up from her accommodation whilst on our daily commute stereotypically being a student this would involve us making numerous phone calls and waiting for ages for her to get up and out of the house. Hang on, hang on, hang on.

What? Just take another pass of that and try and emphasize the words that help me understand the meaning of the sentence, yeah? Please. Sorry. When our daughter was at university, we'd occasionally pick her up from the accommodation whilst on our daily commute. Got it. Stereotypically being a student, this would involve us making numerous phone calls and waiting for ages for her to get up and out of the house.

Hmm. Yeah? Bloody student. When our daughter was at university... Is this better for you, Rilai? No, that's fine. Like a kiddie boy? No, that...

Yeah, like a kiddie boy. A kiddie boy. Don't... No. We would occasionally pick her up from her... No, I got it a kiddie boy. A kiddie boy. Don't, no. We would occasionally pick her up from her apartment. No, I got it. I got it now. Move on. Thank you. Just some clarity.

More often than not, we would park opposite a very popular cafe in the local town, and this morning was no different to any other. We were waiting as usual, and we were watching one of the staff members open up and set up for the coming day. Now, you may think that watching someone doing their job would be quite mundane, and ordinarily, I would be inclined to agree. However, as we sat there observing, I witnessed something that you'd never want to see a practitioner in the food industry participating in. A tone in full view of the public. No! Wanking! Wanking waiter! It might not be wanking! industry participating in, let alone in full view of the public. No.

Wanking. Wanking waiter. It might not be wanking. What else is it going to be? Arse wiping? Well, I don't know. Come on, what's your guess? Congratulations.

He's wanking. Congratulations, sir. You've got the job. Now, just a few more questions. We've had a problem with people wanking in front of our shop before they open it. Are you going to do the same? I'm afraid I can't take this job in all good faith. Right.

Now, listen. What's your prediction for what he's going to do? Well, the thing is, I've read the letter, so I know. So the game is with you. I'm wrong then, am I? When I say wanking? I'm not here to correct you. I'm just here to hear your words and thoughts.

Paul, call me intrigued. It's Cheap Show with me, Paul Gannon, and my co-host, Intrigued. Come on, read the fucking letter. Right. Said waitress to a lady... Okay. ...who was setting up... Still wanking.

Hang on. You'd still call it wanking, wouldn't you? Yes. Well, I mean, there's Jack in it, isn't there? And then for ladies, it's jilling. Jilling? Jilling. Jack and Jilling?

Jack and Jilling, yeah. Right. That's all I've got. Just Jilling. Come on. I'm Jilling. Jilling is thrilling. Mmm, baby.

Okay, so the young... Is she young? Do we know she's young? I don't know. In your? Do we know she's young? I don't know. In your head, yeah, she's young. In my head, she's 70. Okay, whatever.

Said waitress, who was setting up, had her hand down her trousers and was giving her rear crevice a vigorous scratching. And I'm not talking a simple scratch here. It was that energetic that had she been a chap, I would have questioned if he was examining his

own prostate. So, can't women examine the prostate up their bums? Yeah, or can't they just willy-nilly stick their finger up any part of them? I'm all for it. Chris. Baby, stick it up, stick it up. Baby, stick it up. Hi, I'm Paul

Gannon from the Touch Whatever You Want campaign, and ladies, no one owns your body. So if you want to put a finger in it, you put a finger in it. If you want it, then you better put a finger in it. If you want it, then you better put a finger in it. So go to touchthathole.org and see me in a few tutorial videos where I'll be showing you how to carefully but rigorously infiltrate your arsehole

for a good old pillagin. Anyway, after what seemed like an age of watching this woman scratching like a bear in the woods at what can only be described as relieving an extremely intense case of itchy anal grapes, she ceased the exercise and continued her duty. It immediately hit us that she had made no attempt to disinfect her now poo-stained finger, and on no inspection... He couldn't see the poo! He couldn't see the poo from in his car. He says, and no inspection of what is assumed to be one

filled with a stinky nail bed. We watched in disbelief as she put out cutlery, glasses, dishes, continuing as if nothing had happened. I can safely say that since that day we have not set foot in the place and henceforth she became known as stinky finger each time we would wait in anticipation for a repeat performance but alas it never came we could only hope that it was picked

up by security camera and she was forced to sit through some kind of personal hygiene training thanks for your hard work chris yeah Yeah. Yeah. When you DJ, do you ever have a good scratch of your arse with your finger and then forget it when you're doing your records and then you've got shit records? No, I don't.

And I refuse to be characterised as someone who would actually put the finger in the bum. You must have, though. At times of great discomfort, you must have dove deep. Honestly, can't believe my life has come to this moment, Paul.

Oh, here we go. Eli says that statement for the 400th time. Honestly, I'm not going to discuss how deep I've gone in my arse. How deep is your bum? Is your bum? How deep is your bum? It goes all the way to my colon. Yes, I've got a fucking cavernous arse.

So huge. All the rocks, they tumble down. All the way down into my arse. Oh, my arse is full, full of boulders. He's still going, ladies and gentlemen. He's found his muse. Eli Silverman. He gets his muse from poos.

Let's carry on with the show. Okay. Okay, everybody. Hi, welcome back from the sound effect. Hello. It's Eli Silverman. Excellent. Okay. Yeah, Eli here. Can't wait. No, it's Hi. Welcome back from the sound effect. Hello. It's Eli Silverman. Excellent.

Okay. Yeah. Eli here. Can't wait. No, it's not. Shut up. It is. It's Eli Silverman.

Cool. He's my favourite DJ. Yeah. Come on, Eli. Paul, can I ask you a question? Can I ask you? Yeah. Can I ask you a question?

Paul. Yeah. Paul. Say that you're a forensic scientist. Yeah. And there's a forensic scientist. Yeah. And there's been a murder. Yeah. And you're checking the scene. What would you be looking for?

Yes, great, mate. No, what would you be looking for, Paul? I'd be looking for clues. No, you'd be looking for blood spatters. Welcome to Silverman's Platters. These are the platters that matter. Silverman's Platters these are the platters that matter, Silverman's Platters and we just want a word now from the patron

site of the segment Clive McFadder, I'll go over to Clive now, Clive Clive Clive, I don't know if you want me to join you at this point mate, I'm honestly just waiting to see what happens next Clive, we need a word from Clive McFadder, am I Clive? Clyde! I don't know if you want me to join you at this point, mate. I'm honestly just waiting to see what happens next.

Clyde! We need a word from Clyde McFatter. Am I Clyde? Patron saying... Yeah, Clyde. Clyde. All right, I'll be Clyde. All right, then. Here we go.

All right. Can I do it again, yeah? Yeah. What am I meant to say when I... What do you want me to say? Whatever Clyde would say, man. You know the tone. Okay.

Okay. I mean, I don't know Clyde's work, but all right. He's a rock and roller, boogie-woogie, R&B sort of guy from the 50s. Okay. All right. Okay. Got it. Got it. Got it. I mean, I don't know Clyde's work, but all right. He's a rock and roller, boogie woogie, R&B sort of guy from the 50s. Okay, all right. Okay, got it, got it, got it. I'm there. I'm there. Do it again. But I'm going to do the bit about the forensic scientist as well, though, yeah? All right, so

we're going to do the whole bit again because you feel this works. The whole thing again, yeah? Now, can I just say, I loved how your radio DJ voice slowly turned into Australian over the course of a few sentences. I don't know why. It was good. Places, everybody.

We're going to go again. From the top. Reset. Here we go, everybody. Okay. Lights. Camera. And action.

Ahoy! Hello. It's Eli Silverman. Now, Paul. Yes, mate. Can you answer me this one question, please? I'll do my best, mate. Okay.

So, imagine you're a forensic officer. I'd love to. And you're at the scene of a murder. Oh, no, mate. The only crimes I want to be involved in are sex crimes. No, no, no in are sex crimes. No. No. Not sex crimes. Paul, can you stop fucking up, please?

I'm just trying to ask you the forensic. Uh-huh. Yeah. No. Start again. Everyone back. I'm back. Come on. Redress the sets, darling. Okay. Come on, move over there. Back, back, back. Thank you. Okay.

Everyone in places. You know what you're doing now? Do you know what you're doing now? I know what I'm doing. I got it. I'm so sorry. It's my first one. Just to be sure, Paul, just to be sure. Yeah.

When I say, when I ask the question about what the forensic expert should be looking for. Yeah. The answer is blood spatters. Okay. And then. Yeah. All right.

Because it's important for me because that's my cue. Okay. To go into the main bit of the intro. spatters. Okay. And then, because it's important for me, because that's my cue, okay, to go into the main bit of the intro. Okay. Yeah. And then I've got to be Clyde McFatter. Yes. Very quickly after that. I feel a lot of pressure on me.

Come on. You can do it. All right. Yeah. I'm going to do it now. Okay. All right. Here we go.

Hello. Hello, mate. All right, Paul. Now, here we go. Ah, hello. Hello, mate. All right, Paul. Now, answer me this. I'll do my best, mate. It'll be this one, mate. Okay. Okay, great, mate.

Now, imagine... I am. You're doing the fucking smashy and nicey. I can't help it, mate. I'm here now. It's staying. Right, imagine you're a forensic officer at the scene of a crime and it's a murder. What do you see?

Oh, why, great mate, I see nothing but blood splatter. Welcome to Eli Silverman's Platters. It's the platters that matter here with Silverman. And now we go quickly over just to a quick word from the patron saint of this segment, Clyde McFatter. Clyde, are you there? Ah-ho-ho-ho, ah-ho-ho-ho-ho, ah-ho-ho-ho-ho, ah-ho-ho-ho-ho, ah-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho. How long have you got? Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.

Welcome to Silverman's Platters. That took five minutes and seven seconds. No, I think you've really, but it was worth it, Paul, because you've really embodied the spirit of Clyde there. Thank you. I mean, I felt him enter me, and I just had to get him out. Right, so we've got three tunes. Well, the last one could be...

Can't really be described as music as such. Right. Today on the platters. Yeah. Two of them do have a theme link, Paul. Oh, that's nice. First one we're going to discuss is Marvin Hamlisch's Bond 77 and the Bond theme. Right. Paul. Oh, that's nice. The first one we're going to discuss is the Marvin

Hamlisch's Bond 77 and the Bond theme. Right. So let's get it right out of the way. Let's play it right now, great mate. 007 007 Come in Come in. Thank you. Now, did this come from a Bond film?

Or was it just a piece of music that was released? No, it says it is from The Spy Who Loved Me. Okay, because that will go some way towards why I don't like it. Because, you know, there's that whole argument where, like, there's nothing inherently wrong with disco, but people did disco badly. And it just seems to me that this is one of those instances where they went, what's popular right now while we're making a Bond film for our 70-year-old Bond star? Oh, disco.

Let's ruin the score with some disco beats. No, no, no, no. It's nice. It's good disco. It's nice disco. Do you think this is nice disco? Yeah. Why? What makes it good disco for you, considering things we've had on before, like, is it Miko? Yeah, Miko is the king

of the film music disco crossover record. His most famous one being the Star Wars theme, which included the cantina music, of course. So it was something that was happening at the time a lot. You know, it was a trend. And it's the way that disco seeped into every aspect of popular culture.

But I just think sometimes it was a terrible thing, like that disco rapping with Sarah Brightman that we covered. Oh, Christ. But on other occasions, I just think it's nice. This is like, it's kind of filmic disco. See that's the problem with me though. It's kind of lush. It's like lush.

I like the sound of it. It's like a proper sort of you know, studio movie studio recording. Yeah. You know? It's got, the production's nice. No, I mean it's professional. It sounds nice but like for me it's it's weird. production's nice no i mean it's it's professional

it sounds nice but like for me it's it's weird it's like the only way i could describe it is because i've kind of seen a lot of those films from those periods and especially bond themes where they slap a load of disco on for no reason and it just feels like as a piece of music it's fine but in the context of the film it kind of feels a bit embarrassing and it also dates the film especially if you got, who was the most decrepit and sort of... Well, The Spy Who Loved Me was like mid-era Bond, wasn't it? It was just after he'd done

the earlier stuff, like Live and Let Die and Man with a Golden Gun, and then he was airing into parody. It's 1977, that's why it's called Bond 77. Yeah. So then he had his worst on the way, because Moonraker was on the way and Octopussy. So this is like the precipice. I think Bond was always trying to find a kind of way

to stay modern and relevant. And I think in this case, they thought, let's just fucking put some disco music on. But Marvin Hamlisch, the guy who did this, is no slouch, as we discovered. No. He is one of the, what's it, the Gleeto Club or something? The Gleeto Club?

It is something like that. It's the select club of people who've won a Golden Globe, an Oscar, an Emmy. He is one of 15 people, Mr. Silverman, to win an Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar and a Tony. And that is called an EGOT. E-G-O-T. EGOT, sorry. Gleeto. I don't know what Gleeto must be.

Some other thing. And he's won a Pulitzer Prize as well. So yeah, Marvin Hamlisch is no slouch. So hang on, what's it called? EGRET. EGOT. EGOT, but now and a Pulitzer. Yeah, so it's called a Peggett.

Peggett, he's got a Peggett. I've got a nice fat Peggett. But it has enough of the James Bond theme in it to give the guy, the original writer of the James Bond theme, a credit. Yeah. He's incorporated his own theme, which is the disco bit, into the James Bond theme because it's M. Norman. Who's this Monty Norman? Was it that who wrote it?

Yeah, he's the guy who wrote... Which is on this This has some It only has little bits on it And it also has a bit of And some And some That's the Bond thing

Yeah, I know Yeah, but that's the easy easy give it's like to be fair if you want to be make a bond theme you can stick any old thing on providing you've got that scale the but he's acknowledged in there but it's Monty Norman, but didn't... What's his name? John... Barry.

Barry. Barry just did the arrangement. Yeah, but he often worked with songwriters to incorporate the theme into the score. That's why you'd hear riffs of, you know... Or any Bond theme. Any Bond theme. It's one of the good things about the Bond series is the way that they use the theme and it, you know, or any Bond theme, any Bond theme. It's one of the good things about the Bond series

is the way that they use the theme and it, you know, and they use it throughout the film. Yeah. And in tense scenes, it's one of their sort of signature motifs, the way that the theme goes throughout, you know? Yeah. And you know what? Some do it better than others, but I tend to find,

I don't know, some Bond themes date a Bond film unnecessarily, and some give it charm and some don't. And it's just, for me, this is a kind of, I don't know, it's not inherently bad, but I don't know, it makes things weird. I can't explain it. Do you think the new Bond movie is going to be good? No. Oh, I don't know.

I've not enjoyed, I mean, it's had its, I like, you know, I don't care. Okay. I don't care. Okay. I don't care. You don't care. I don't want to talk about Bond films because they're all the fucking same, by and large. Oh, fucking hell. Jesus, just trying to get some fucking...

Something you know about, you know? My name's Bond. At least it's something you know about. James Bond. Now, on the flip side of this seven-inch... You do a Roger Moore impression, you cunt. Oh, you can't see it because I've got my eyebrows going. Oh, hang on. Let me have a look. I'll get the camera up.

No, no. No, no. Oh, yeah. No, it's good. You look like a twitching bastard. Twitching bastard. Now, on the flip side is Ride to Atlantis, which is also from The Spy Who Loved Me, and that's part of the plot is some guy, the baddies on Atlantis. His base is called Atlantis. Yeah, that's what he calls his base of operations, isn't it?

In the sea. It's in the sea, is it? You know what? To be fair, I should probably say that. I do like The Spy Who Loved Me. It is probably my favourite Roger Moore, but I'm not a huge fan of the score. All right. Should we listen to a bit of Ride to Atlantis? It's the bit where you're getting off with someone.

Let's pretend you're all alone and you're about to make love to yourself. This is the music you could be enjoying. © BF-WATCH TV 2021 Ooh, it's sexy. Would you touch yourself to this music? No. I don't like that one. I like the disco bomb. What do you touch yourself to?

I touch myself to a table, and then I give it a good rub. I touch myself to Poindexter. No, you don't. You leave Poindexter alone. He's under the cupboard. Yeah, he's hiding from you. Yeah. Right, second disc is from an LP I picked up.

I didn't pick it up. I just found it. I found that I had it. It's some TV music, The Hanged Man by Alan Chew. Alan Chew. And it sounds, ladies and gentlemen, it sounds like this. © BF-WATCH TV 2021 So it's extremely, it sounds extremely like cop music, cop show music, doesn't it? And this song has actually had a kind of varied existence. It wasn't

just in this TV. It was a mini-series, The Hanged Man from the 70s, which originally had it. Some crime drama on ITV in 1975 starring Colin Blakely. Okay, and that seems like, to me, the music was probably

the best thing about that. Yeah, it's about a man who's successful, and then someone tries to kill him and his wife, and so he goes into hiding to attempt to lure out the people who have tried to kill him. It sounds pretty good, actually, in that kind of 70s gritty crime. The music for the show was written by Alan Pugh, and the score would turn up on such programmes as The People's Court, Black Dynamite film in 2009,

and probably where we know it from, The Two Ronnies. The Two Ronnies. Now, I thought it was The Worm That Turned, but as you pointed out, it was something different. It's the pastiche that they did in The Two Ronnies of cop shows called Barley Farley and Piggy Malone or something. They're like a cop duo, buddy, whatever, like the Sweeney or the Professionals or something,

you know, a bit like that. And the music stood out, and it's because it's an excellent track, but it is archetypally cop showy. And it's sort of like, it's sort of trying to be like the classic Lalo Schifrin style American, but it has a quintessential Britishness about it as well.

That's it, isn't it? It feels like a clash between the streets of San Francisco and the Sweeney. Yeah, yeah. I think it's excellent, I have to say. Which is, yeah, which is, again, not a complaint. I like both of those themes, and this one's a really nice one. I was speaking to my mate about him.

There's some sort of famous other soundtrack that he did, Alan Chew, which is big with... Yeah, it's got the Black Windmill or something. Well, let's have a look. A British composer and arranger. Got his start in the 50s as a pianist, and he worked for the Len Turner Band, based in London. He is known as a composer of library music,

says the Wikipedia article, and did shit... Was probably licensed to a library as well as or maybe wasn't wasn't even written for that original the hanged man maybe do you know what i mean it might have been commissioned for that but then reused it was like a limited series yeah yeah picked up elsewhere and went into a library um so he did doctor in the house sitcoms like uh mother makes three the hanged man um and that piece of music which we've already explained went on to feature him other things as well he did the Sweeney he did do the Sweeney

there you go that's him okay so that's why it's so similar and then the People's Court which again used that same piece of material

which is called The Big Job or something the same track entitled The Big One was used in an episode of the British detective show Vanderval

wow it's used everywhere it's the background sound of the 70s. It was used in a film called Barbara Broadcast in 1977. Seven. Not seven. I don't know what that is. That could be Dutch.

No, it's 77. A film called The Satisfiers of Alpha Blue. Wow. From 1980. Sounds smutty. It does. I'm clicking on it instantly. Oh, no, it's a 1981 American pornographic science fiction film.

Yeah, that's what it's saying. Directed by Gerald Damhandio, I think. Damhandio. No. And plot. Here we go. In a futuristic society called Alpha Blue, sexual needs are fulfilled by a computer. Oh, fuck off.

Griffin is happy with the Is he called FuckVac2000? No, he's not called FuckVac2000, but we need to brand that right now. Hello, Eli. Is it that time of day again? Yes, it is. I'm sad.

I've got a gamble on and you're the robot for me. I know. It is my purpose to suck your flaccid bellen. I'm putting you on mute, Vak. Fuck Vak 3000. Oh, my voice will be heard. Exterminate.

Shut up. God, you're going to have to chew all day. Anyway, the character of Griffin is happy with the state of affairs and spends his time with prostitutes, but Algon longs for the love of a good old woman. No, longs for the good old days of love and romance. The love of a good old woman? That is a specialist sci-fi porn.

No, no. And he falls in love with someone called, I love this, Satisfier805. Okay, yeah. It makes it sci-fi if people's names have numbers in them for some reason. Yeah, like fuck back 2000. Now, 3000.

Oh, sorry, it's the future. I'm up to date, mate. So, two other little things I wanted to say about The Hanged Man by Alan Tew. The fuck about? Oh, come on. No, that's disgusting. Oh, my fucking butt is choking. No, that's disgusting. That's disgusting.

Swallow that. Yes, master. Oh, fuck off. Fuck, like 3,000 goes to sleep. There's a couple of points I'm going to make them. Now, you said it's called The Big One. Yeah. And it was a library music.

And that is what used to happen back then as well. Like, they'd have this life. Production music or library music would have a life and be used several times, wouldn't it? Because the Grange Hill theme, famously, is called Chicken... What's it called? Chicken Man. And that was on Give Us a Clue with Lionel Blair. I believe it was the original theme tune, yeah,

of the charades-based game show, Give Us a Clue. And then at some point, it obviously fell out of use. And then while they were putting together the kids' show, Gray and Chill set in a British secondary school, they weren't that all fit. And it does. It's perfect. It's great.

And it's good to have sex to because it keeps the rhythm. Absolutely textbook, like a metronome. Fucking hell, mate. That is literally stand-up material from 20 years ago i'll have you know it's stand-up material from about 10 to 15 all right all right fine shall i play the program oh master oh i want you fuck back fuck back 3000 get get a sausage on a big fork, please. Okay, here we go.

What's happened? Oh, it's broken. It's broken forever. It will never be replaced. Until Fuck VAC 4000 comes out next year. And Fuck VAC 4000. Oh, next year. And I'll 4,000. Oh, next year. And I'll bite your

prick off at the root. The other thing, now, also it was on the Black Dynamite soundtrack you mentioned. Yeah, spoof from the 2000s. And that is a spoof

of Blaxploitation films. It was pretty good, I seem to remember. It was good, yeah. It has that sound. It has a quintessential 70s cop show sound about it. Yeah.

And it's similar to that BBC Quiller theme tune that I also have. Oh, yeah. And also, when we played Tumpy, because obviously

that was made for something. Tumpy wasn't made for something. It was the B-side. Oh, that's right. No, Tumpy was something, wasn't it? No, because obviously that was made for something. Tumpy wasn't made for something. It was the B-side. Oh, that's right. No, Tumpy was something, wasn't it? No, it's not. Right. Is that all we've done for this track?

Yes, we're done for that track, yeah. Check out Quiller if you like this sort of thing. Okay, now, Paul. Okay, Mr. Silverman. A bit of a diversion. What are we ending on? What's your big finale? One of these objects, you know, it's a record,

but it's also one of these objects that appear in charity shops again and again and again. Throughout my life, this object has been in the record bins in charity shops. And it is... Love eggs. It is not love eggs. You don't get love eggs in charities.

Why is everything... I do, I leave my love eggs. Why is your whole repertoire of improvisational items, it literally only has two nouns in it. Dogs and eggs. Dogs and eggs. Bum eggs. Yeah, right, bums.

Bum dog eggs. Don't stop. The lock-in's getting to me. I know, and me. Now, the third item is the K-Tel Multi-Exerciser Rhythm Music 7-Inch. That sounds like Fuck Vak 3000. Well, it could be. It could be an ancestor of Fuck Vak 3000, couldn't it?

The Multi-Exerciser. In many respects. Multi-Sexerciser. So this is a piece of vinyl. Multi-Sexerciser. Yeah. a multi-sexerciser yeah multi-sexerciser yeah multi-sexerciser right multi multi you sound like hal after he's being turned off it's multi-sexerciser yeah right okay now let's move on right so this piece of vinyl is what right? So this piece of vinyl is what? Super malt.

God. This piece of vinyl is what? It's a record that you work out to. Yes, that's right. And it comes with a multi-exerciser. But what is that? It is some kind of exercise device sold by K-Tel. This is on the K-Tel label.

K-Tel, famous to me for putting out all of those compilations of chart music on these terribly pressed, cheap LPs. And they'd have about 10 tunes on each side, which means, because of the mechanics of vinyl, they were very quiet. Very quiet.

And not very good sound quality. But what surprised me is that K-Tel started out as a guy who made kitchen gadgets. Yeah, and sold them on TV. Because I thought K-Tel was just a record label, but no, apparently it's... No, they are a selling stuff on TV company. That's their thing. It's K-Tel, because the tel is for television.

Well, it says here again regarding the wikipedia article on the subject they specialized initially in selling consumer products through infomercials and live demonstrations the kind of shit in the uk you'd expect to see at robert dyess yeah the original infomercial people aren't they ktel yeah also they sold that's where they sold their terrible compilation at lps on tv as well i would have thought you know yeah so richard kives i believe his name has started it and he was a demonstration salesman in canada long story short he set it up in 1962 to help sell a teflon coated frying pan on tv it was really popular and so he started doing more the dial-o-matic the vege-o-matic food slicers the feather touch knife and then um the Feather Touch Knife, and then...

The Fuck Vac 3000? Yeah. And then I believe, I mean, again, to boil a berry... Did you say the Vagimatic? The Feather Touch Knife. The Feather Touch Knife and the Vagimatic? Not Vagimatic and the Feather Touch Knife. Sounds like an awful porn film.

No, it sounds like an avant-garde new wave act. Oh, it does. Say it-garde new wave act. Oh, it does. Say it again. I am Vegematic and I'm the feathery knife. Splice my dick with a feathered knife. No, don't. That's horrible.

I quit the band. Vegematic quits. Oh, there it is. There's the noise. He did quite a long time before doing it, but he did do it. Anyway, 1966, Kives decided to release a compilation album

using his famous infomercial gimmick, and it was successful. The first one he released was 25 country hits. Yeah, see, 25, you need at least over 10 tracks on each side. Yeah. A good quality sort of LP will have three or four.

So that's the difference. It's one of these things where I guess, though, if this is a budget compilation and you're at home and you don't have a lot of money and you've got a shitty vinyl player anyway with a piss-poor set of speakers,

at the end... Yeah, you just want to hear the tune. Yeah, it's just a much of a muchness. Yeah, totally fine, yeah. Yes, but that's... There's no market for cheap vinyl. Oh, they did a book called Night Moves, which is a two-record disco dance tutorial with accompanying instruction book

featuring Danny Terrino, includes one side of disco songs featured in the lessons. Yeah. And he was involved in Hooked on Classics. Yeah, so this is similar concept the record that we're about to cover here oh yeah we haven't played it yet we haven't played it yet so this is a record that accompanied one of their gadgets the multi-exerciser let's play it should

we just play it let the man talk uh here's a bit of that so yeah imagine you're locked in you don't know what to do you want to lose a bit of weight so you put this on and you work out here we go hi there i'm the ktel exercise man welcoming you to a new you because ktel takes much pleasure in introducing you to the multi exerciser the exerciser that's designed to give you the shapely healthy body that you've been looking for. Now look at yourself in the mirror. If you want to get rid of that hot belly or spare tire or maybe just tone up your muscles then now you really can. Just a few minutes with the exerciser every morning and evening is all you need to do. The Kato Multi-Exerciser is a very simple device to use. All you need

is a convenient place to attach it, like a door handle that's about waist high on the door while you're doing your exercises. The room should have plenty of, or a rug to lie on. And you can also have a cushion to put under your hips if you need it. Now take advantage of the privacy of home to wear the absolute minimum of clothing, so you're not restricted in your exercising now before going on to the exercises make sure you have read the exerciser instructions carefully so that you'll be familiar with all the movements why don't you keep it next to you while exercising for easy reference now you know the thing that strikes me most about this how inappropriate the

music is they've chosen for it it's's terrible, man. It sounds like sitcoms slash porn music or something. Well, it's sort of children's TV music. Yeah. 70s children's TV music, but also played quite badly, and it appears to be like a recorder played by a tramp or a drunk or something. I don't know what's

going on there. It feels like they, you know, took a one-man band off a street and went, yo, mate, fucking just, here's some mescaline, fucking go crazy. Yeah, and it's all very suggestive, isn't it? Because it's like, stretch it right up, put your leg out there. Yeah, and

next day that guy wakes up in an alley naked with a cheque from K-Tel for £4,000 and he doesn't know what he's done. No, the music is very inappropriate. I kind of like it, though. Yeah. It's called rhythm music, but it's done. No, the music is very inappropriate. I kind of like it though. It's called rhythm music, but it's not rhythmic, but it's not very. No, but it's like the same way

at schools you had music and movements. It was just a rhythm to keep as opposed to rhythmic music. Yeah. There's a subtlety we're talking about here. Do you recognise the guy's voice? Who's doing the voice over there? I have no idea. There's no credits on this at all. we're talking about here. Subtlety. Do you recognise the guy's voice who's doing the voice over there? What was the name of the guy?

Did you say? I have no idea. There's no credits on this at all. Does he not say? No, it just says K-Tel multi-exerciser rhythm music on both sides and it doesn't even have

side A or side B. Because it's a cheesy voice. It's a terribly cheesy voice, isn't it? It's so... That guy worked his arse off, obviously, because it's so familiar. Yeah guy worked his ass off obviously because it's it's so familiar it's yeah it's hard he has that voice of that era that was like comforting and informative and maybe a bit too a bit too familiar at times yeah and it reminds me it reminds me a bit that guy brian off

play school brian um can't all right don't be mean. So, the thing is, it turns up everywhere, this, but it's always scratched to shit. It's almost completely destroyed every single time I've seen this. Yeah. Because it came with the multi-exerciser, which you know you're just going to fucking throw out after a month anyway. Yeah. And the record that comes with it,

it goes into the record collection with everything else, but it's not, I bet you that exercise. It was just like a piece of stretchy rubber that you just use to bend your legs or whatever. It totally probably was. So these records get so worthless that no one ever bothered to even look after them at all. No.

So that, and that means there's millions of them, but they're almost always completely unplayably bad. This one that I found is reasonable, but you can hear from the recording that even this is quite badly scratched. Yeah. So I'd like to see a pristine one of those.

That's probably one of the hardest records in the world to find a pristine copy. Yeah. But unfortunately, most people who bought this record probably bought it on a whim, and most copies are covered in curry sauce or something at this point. Yeah, exactly.

When they break, when they fucking multi-exerciser snaps and they go, I'm just going to drink a pint of gravy right now. Or when they decide that exerciser can make a great big kind of weird tourniquet for their cock end and use it for sex acts. How would it... How? Oh, a tourniquet for their cock end, yeah. Yeah, alright.

I thought you meant... I thought it through. I thought you meant the record itself, which does have a little hole, but it'd be hard to get your... It'd be very hard to. I'm thinking about just wrapping the rubber around my cock and balls, creating a bit of pressure. You could get a little pimple effect on your helmet

with the spindle hole on this 7-inch. Great. So out of all the tracks, let's go through them. The first one, the Bond theme. I'm going to give that all... Marvin Hamlisch. Marvin Hamlisch, Ride to Atlantis and the Bond 77 and the Bond theme. I'm going to give that all. Marvin Hamlisch. Marvin Hamlisch, Ride to Atlantis and the Bond 77 and the Bond

theme. Is it Platter or Splatter? I'm going to say, I am going to say Platter though for this. Yeah. Despite my misgivings. Next track was the nameless hanging tourniquet. Big job. The big one by Alan Chew. Fuck back 3000.

The big one by Alan Chew. Fuck Back 3000. The Big One by Alan Chew. Is that a platter, a spatter or a platter for you, Paul? You know what, mate? That's a platter as well. I like it. It edges by. Yes, I'd give that four platters. And lastly, we did have the K-Tel multi-exercise of rhythm music. Now, as a sort of piece of music and a voiceover obviously it's terrible yeah it's an emblem of these reoccurring objects in charity shops like the other one main

one that comes to mind is the kensington board game thing yeah it's a mainstay turn up again and again and again let's i think we should put it into the special reoccurring charity shop you know what this is a great idea. Let's build a charity shop that has everything you expect to be in there. So the Kensington Board game goes in there.

This goes in there. And this goes in there. One Barbara Streisand album goes in there. Yeah. The one with her... The one with her... What's it?

With the BG on it. No, not the goodies. The BGs. No, there's one with her with Barry Gibb. Barry Gibb. And there's one with her with Barry Gibb. Barry Gibb. And there's one with her... Chris Christopherson.

Is that next year, or do you think there was some overlap? I don't know. All I know is that she went through a beardy phase. Imagine they spit-roasted her. What about Chuck Norris? What about if Chuck Norris got in on the action as well, when he had a beard? Well, in that case...

Chuck Norris, Barry Gibb. Chuck Norris, Barry Gibb Chuck Norris Barry Gibb Eli Silverman no noshing off Chuck Norris Chuck Norris

as Brian Blessed jerks off Barry Gibb Streisand's getting covered in hairy man cum yeah Streisand's drowning

in hairy man cum right what a great way to end this segment Streisand by everyone I'm ending the segment Eli I'm ending the segment oh well hairy man cow. What a great way to end this segment. Streisand. By everyone. I'm ending the segment, Eli.

Streisand's covered in spank. I'm ending the segment. Oh, well, fuck you. And that's it for another cheap show. Oh, I cry. I cry it.

Oh, I cry it. What do we want next week, Daddy? I'm crying. You're, you're drunk. I'm not. What do we want next week, Daddy? I'm crying. You're drunk. I'm not drunk.

Wow. I've had one cider. You're tipsy. I'd like to nurse it inside her. That wasn't worth it then, was it? Because you were trying to do a cider gag, weren't you? Like, I like things inside her. I like things inside her. I like things inside her. I like things inside her! I like things inside her!

Absolutely wonderful. Absolutely wonderful. Well, that's it for Cheap Show this week. So here's all the admin so you can reach out to us or contact us. First of all, email thecheapshow. Clunge.

First of all, email. It's clungy time. It doesn't... Thecheapshow.gmail.com Clunch. How's that? Right. Clunch. Shut up. I'm just trying to do the admin, mate. This is one part of cheap show. It's clunch. Clunch. How's that? Right. Clunch.

Shut up. I'm just trying to do the admin, mate. This is one part of the show that shouldn't take that long. So boring. Can I say something? Can I say something? Yeah, go on. What would you like me to say?

The website address. Go on. Okay. It's the website, yeah? You should know this. It's www website, yeah? You should know this. It's www.cheapshow.com. No, no, no, no, no. No.

Thecheapshow.com. No. Thecheapshow.org. No, go on, mate. Cheap show. Why are you so shit at this? Cheapshow. Why are you so shit at this? CheapShowInformation.com Inquiries at Cheap Show.

TheCheapShow.co.uk Oh,.co.uk. Say it with me. TheCheapShow.co.uk TheCheapShow.co.uk And that's your one-stop shop for... Anything. Everything.

Pictures of all the stuff. All the stuff we have on every episode. You can see there. We have links to the merch. All the stuff we have on every episode. You can see there we have links to the merch page from Tony's Redbubble site. We have links to the official unofficial magazine by Event Issue 10

coming out almost immediately with this podcast. Oh, nice. And it's exciting. It's the final one. A little bit sad. Oh, daddy, I cry.

Oh, daddy. Tomorrow night, Paul, is the cheap show variety show yes if you're listening to this in the future you've missed it but if you're listening to it on the friday this goes out then saturday a lot of people do paul a lot of people fucking do i mean what's the problem a lot of people do it's nice it gives it some like some topical locality you know gives the show a bit of like you know a free song so those people in the future those people in the future are listening to it and we'll miss it and it's too late fuck them you know i mean i don't i don't who the future people who are these future people

can they come here don't listen to it on the day it comes out are they coming around here are they impinging on me now these These future people? Fucking hell, mate. I'm going to... I more than anything want to throttle you right now with both my hands. Oh, come on. It'd take more than both your hands to get round mine. You'd need big hands. You'd need Andre the Giant's hands. I sat down beside her and I had some cider

and now I go and I put it inside her. I hate you. This has meant to be the easiest bit of the show where I just rattle off the email and the website and the Twitter and then we're done. Then we go home. I'm sorry, mate. Sorry, mate. You're not. You are not, though.

No, not really. No, I know. i just need you to be quiet for like 60 seconds tops just 60 seconds i'm looking here we go all right email the show about anything you want thecheapshow at gmail.com our website has pictures and links to all kinds of things go there thecheapshow.co.uk we have twitter at thecheapshowpod i'm at paul gannon show eli is now allowed to talk for a bit when he says his Twitter account, which is... It hasn't been a minute. It hasn't been a minute.

I just said, I literally just said, you're now allowed to speak to say your Twitter account. That was only 25 seconds. I'm going to fucking kill you. That was 25 seconds. Eli Snoid, E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. If you'd like to support us on Patreon, you know my mistake was actually putting the Twitter thing in the middle of it. I should have ended on it. I should have ended on it.

That's my mistake. That's what I'm trying to say. That's what I'm saying. You're running out of time to say anything now. Before I start, I'm going to start with a barrage. 20, 19,

18. I'm so angry. All right, come on. Just get it out. Patreon.com forward slash Cheap Show. If you'd like to support this podcast in any small or large financial way, you'll get little bonuses for your donation. So thank you if you do support us.

Free podcasts. Extra podcasts. Yes, the magazine. All kinds of wonderful things. Lovely. Right, that's it. Now we can stop talking. It is the end of an episode,

and I've never ended one with so much anger boiling through me. No, that's not true. You're just Mr. Tropes. You're like a whole wardrobe of cheap show tropes, and there's no emotion. There's no soul. There's no one operating the tropes. You're an empty...

There's no soul in you. It's just barking. I can leave a microphone down a back alley with some bad dogs. But their barking would be more entertaining and interesting than your fucking mad mouth burbles.

Alright. Alright. Alright. Can I just say though, you're a haunted wardrobe of yesterday's cheap show tropes, my boy. And you're an alley full of bad dogs. Right, bye then. That's it. Bye. Bye, everyone.

Hi there. I'm the K-Tel exercise man welcoming you to a new you because K-Tel takes much pleasure in introducing you to the Multi-Exerciser, the exerciser that's designed to give you the shapely, healthy body that you've been looking for. Now look at yourself in the mirror. If you want to get rid of that hot belly or spare tire or maybe just tone up your muscles, then now you really can. Just a few minutes with the exerciser every morning and evening is all you need to do. The Kato Multi-Exerciser is a very simple device to use. All you need is a convenient place to attach it, like a door handle that's about waist high in the door while you're doing your exercise. The

room should have plenty of, or a rug to lie on, and you can also have a cushion to put under your hips if you need it. Now take advantage of the privacy of home to wear the absolute minimum of clothing, so you're not restricted in your exercising. Now before going on to the exercises, make sure you have read the exerciser instructions carefully, so that you'll be familiar with all the movements. Why don't you keep it next to you while exercising for easy reference.

Now are we all ready? Good. Well let's try a nice easy exercise to start you off with. This one's called the tummy toner. Now this exercise is designed to tighten up those slack tummy muscles. First of all lie on the floor face up with your head up near the door. Now, put your feet in the straps and take the hand straps above your head. Now, you just may have to adjust the straps at this point so that your feet just clear the floor. Okay, are we all ready now? Good. Now, keeping your legs and arms straight, pull down on your hand straps and raise your legs. The muscles in your arms and legs and stomach should all of them work together. Raise your legs as high as you can and then lower them to the floor again.

Now, let's try with a little bit of rhythm this time. OK, are we all ready now? And away we go. Up two, three, and down two, three. Smoothly now. No jerks. And up two, three, down two, three. And up two, three, and too hard, was it?

Now, with continuous exercising, you should be able to do at least 100 of these by the end of this week. And while you're in that position, let's move straight on to the second exercise. This one's called the high stepper. With your feet and hands still in the straps as they were before, bend one knee and bring it up right to your chest and then as you lower it bring the other knee up in a kind of marching action. Now with this one it's important to flex the leg fully as you lower it and get the knee as close as possible to the chest. Got the idea? Right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right.

Now keep practicing that one because it's very good for the whole body. for the whole body. Ready for exercise number three? Good. This is another nice easy one called the thigh shaper. Now once again assume the correct starting position on your back on the floor, both feet in the straps, hands in the hand straps. Keeping them straight raise your legs to a midway position and that's about halfway between horizontal and vertical. Then lower one leg about 16 to 19 inches, not to the floor, mind. And as you raise it again, lower the other leg the same distance. Repeat this scissor action as fast as you can go. One, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two. Can you feel those lazy muscles working for you? Good. One, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two. Can you feel those lazy muscles working for you?

Good! One, two, one, two, one, two, one, two. Everything's happening. One, two, one, two, one, two. Keep it up. One, two, one, two. Now you should gradually work your way up to 100 exercises. Now that you've got those under your belt, why not turn the record over and reap more

benefits from your K-Tel Multi-Exerciser? Voila, how's it going? I'll bet you can feel all those muscles stretching out. Have you got your breath back yet? Good. So let's move on to exercise number four, the waist watcher. And this one can really make your waistline worth watching. Now, assume the normal starting position on the floor with your head up near the door again. Legs should be outstretched and your arms extended upwards.

Pull your arms downwards, bringing both legs up together, bending your knees fully. Now, when you do this, your hips should be lifted clear off the floor start with about 15 waist watches at a nice easy pace and here we go and up two three four down two three four up two three four down two three four up two three hips off down two three four OK then, are we getting the hang of this exerciser? That's good, because let's get stuck into this one. This is another simple exercise that will soon get you back into shape. And this one's called the high kicker. If you do this one properly, you should feel all the muscles in your waist, your stomach, your hips and thighs, right down to your calves and your ankles.

And once again, assume the normal starting position. And you must keep both legs and arms straight at all times. Now raise each leg in succession, very highest point. And as you bring it down, raise the other leg. Go on, fling it. Kick it up as high as it'll go. One, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, right up high, right up high. One, two, one, two, one, two, that's good. One, two, one, two, one, two, one. One, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, right up high, right up high. One, two, one, two, one, two, one, two.

Right up high, right up high. And now the final exercise in the programme, number six. And it's going to really do something for those hip to hip slimmer. It will also do wonders for flabby waistlines and thighs. First, you lie down on your right hand side, resting on it and leaning on your right elbow. Now put your uppermost foot, that's your left foot, into the strap and take the hand strap with your left hand. Now you just bring your arm down so that your leg is raised as high as it'll go try and get into a steady rhythm again up down up right up right down right up right down up down up down

now you should repeat this 50 times at first and then turn over to your left side and repeat the exercise with the other leg. The steady rhythmic movements of these routines play an important part in your exercising. The multi-exerciser is designed to link the actions of your arms, your legs and your stomach muscles so that your whole body works in a total coordinated effort. So it's a good idea to exercise with music, selecting something with a nice easy beat to keep you in rhythm. Of course, we don't have to tell you that common sense eating is also important, which means you should concentrate on fresh natural foods like lean meats and fish, fruit and vegetables to lose weight and to keep slim, trim and healthy. And the other thing of course is continuity.

It's most important. Follow these routines every day. Even just a few minutes with the Multi-Exerciser every morning and every night could be the start of a brand new you. So happy exercising with the K-Tel Multi-Exerciser.