CheapShow - Ep 178: Pork Hangover

Episode Date: May 15, 2020

In these challenging times, sometimes the hero we need, is not the hero we want. Sometimes are greatest enemy can be your greatest friend. This week on CheapShow, Paul and Eli will be given some valuable guidance on how to think and act more positively... By Noel (Ruddy) Edmonds. It's a "Paul's Page Turners" segment, and its chock full of Noel goodness. Sadly this week, Eli felt compelled to bring everyone another "Sauce Report". On the bright side, we end up discovering what a Pork Hanover is! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-177-suck-vac-3000 If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! AWARDS: Vote Now @projectcheapsk8 https://tinyurl.com/cca2020vote2 MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Paul is writing a book! Want to help make it happen? https://unbound.com/books/ghosts/

Hello. How are you doing? You feeling okay? Uh. That's nice to hear. Or not. Depending on your response. Anyway, it's me, the voice of Cheap Show back once again to apologize for Eli's audio. It's a bit crap for the first 10 minutes because Eli could not be bothered to check his settings. I mean, it's fine, but it's not great. Luckily, it's just for the first 10 minutes. You can put up with that, right? Of course you can. That's why you're brilliant. Right, let's join Paul and Eli. They're just about to start the show. You know what, Eli? I am an observer.

You know what, Eli? I can't speak for fucking shit. You can't speak for shit. You can't speak for shit. Yes. I'm an observator of people. Oh, fuck it. Observator? Take it from. Oh, fuck it. I didn't even... Observator? Take it from the top, darling.

Okay. One, two, a bit more. One more. Just from the top. Okay, one more time. Okay. This one's for... This one's to keep.

You know what, Eli? I am... I'm an observer of men, right? What I'm going to say is not going to be anywhere near as funny as this fucking mouth fart. It's not none of this. None of it. You're an observer of men. Yeah, and I noticed that. From bushes?

When you have... From a shed? From your shed? Have you got a special hole? A special slat that opens to watch men out of? I have my peak slat, yes. My peaky slat. Right, what were you going to say? Did you mean men as in mankind?

It doesn't matter anymore. I was going to say, when you take your inhaler, it's unusual to watch because it looks like someone stabbed you at the bottom with an ice-cold dagger. You go, like that. Well, it's a technique that I've developed over several years of using the damn thing.

Just makes you look like an idiot. Well, I don't do it in public. That's all. I don't do it in public. Don't asthma shame me. Asthma shame me. I'll asthma shame you. You can't speak.

You need to have a cup of coffee or something and keep the mouth working. How about a bit of a warm-up? How about we do a mouth warm-up? Let's do. You follow me. All right. Yeah. E-wa-woo-wa-woo.

Yeah. No, follow me with your mouth. Oh, baby. I was going to do something good at the top of this show, but now... All right. E-wa-woo-wa-woo. Now what are you going to do? Now go...

Right, good. Now try... I'm a, pick a. Abba, dabba, dabba, dabba doo. Abba, dabba, dabba, dabba doo. Right, good. Now try, I'm an observer of men. Eli, I'm an observer of men, as you well know. Yeah, and what? Yeah, it was a terrible thing. We can now move on. So what's your opener going to be? I was just going to go, hi, it's Eli Silverman.

It's time for Cheap Show again. Hello. Here's Paul. He's also the host of Cheap Show. He's back in the room. Cheap Show, yeah. Here we go. You's also the host of Cheap Show. He's back in the room. Cheap Show. Yeah. Here we go.

You ready for the show? I am. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Just like that. Something like that? Yeah, no, I think that's spot on.

I think we can just start with that. Yeah, get the music going. So, no, no, no. Now you do it. Now you've run it past me. Now you do it again. Oh, sure. Exactly. Word perfect. Exactly the way you did it last time. Or, now you do it. Now you've run it past me. Now you do it again. Oh, sure. Exactly.

Word perfect. Exactly the way you did it last time. Or I'm scrapping it. Okay. I'm sorry. Whatever that is, what you're doing is not the intro to this show. No, it's not. But this is.

And then you link in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good. All right. I'll do it now. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of Chief Show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept.

Chief Show. The fact of cheap show you're gonna have to learn to fucking accept Cheap show Off-brand, brand-off, off-brand, brand-off Cheap show It's the price of shite Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheat Show And I go and I nuzzle So, Mr Silverman

Yes I enjoyed our live broom cupboard-esque Soiled Variety Spoiled Variety performance It was Soiled Variety, wasn't it? I can't remember I enjoyed our live broom cupboard-esque soiled variety spoiled variety performance it was soiled variety wasn't it? I can't remember I think I called it spoiled and then soiled

and then back to spoiled and also both names not working for me really well you know you don't have much of an input in Cheap Show as a rule and so

I just go ahead and do what I like but you could change that I mean the name wasn't the best thing about it was it? no but the name wasn't the best thing about it, was it? No, but the name wasn't the bit I was most proud of. What were you proud of?

I was proud of, even though it was a bit ropey, I was proud of how we did the microphone setup and the technical stuff and the cams and the button pressing. And that will improve, won't it? So if you were... I can't guarantee that. You know that. Well, from my end, I'm constantly working to innovate

and improve the service I provide okay so what ideas have you got if we do another one which I think we should do some people have said we should make it monthly yes I think it's a good idea and I've got some distinct ideas and I'll just they come under two headings yeah right there's

soft nusslage pickle waters three headings soft nusslage that's heading one yeah there's a whole suite there's a whole tranche of ideas under under that okay and then you have you carry on mate because i've mentally checked out already so you do what you got to the second thing is pickle waters i've been there it's a lovely little village pickle waters and as you can imagine there is a literal there's a tranch a mile wide Stop saying tranch

when you mean variety of ideas within the inherent concept A tranch if you will Stop saying tranch And the third The third is bollock oil

well here's what I've learned you came up with two things just then but you said three things so you desperately threw a third thing on the end which was, and I'm repeating it back to you bollock oil Mr Silverman well you'd be totally wrong, completely, in fact

bollock oil is what I started with and I wanted to bury the lead on that one and put the Bollock Oil at the end. I don't want you to bury the lead on Bollock Oil. But yeah, it was fun, wasn't it? Yeah, it was a little bit of fun. We should do it again, because I like the idea of maybe reaching out to other

content creators and saying, listen, we're going to do a kind of late-night, broom-cubbered cheap show show, and we'll play your clips and help promote whatever it is you do fantastic idea and i think that's always it makes it much more fun to watch if you're watching this it's like a tv show isn't it you go back to the studio and we were talking about maybe some some roving reporter type stuff in the future obviously yeah not leaving my house but yeah little videos we can put in of our own accord. Oh, Eli, I like this more and more. So if you're

interested, you did miss it, dear listener. It is on YouTube now. It is called The Cheap Show Spoiled Variety Performance 2020, although that name will be changing. Have you got anything better, Mr. Silverman? Bollock Oil Tranche. No, fuck off. Bollock Oil

Tranche should be the name of your album. Yes. Another good thing about the stream... If you were, by the way, going to become a singer, just call yourself Jacob Silverman. It sounds more folksy. Jacob Silverman, yeah. But I'm not a folksy singer.

I have nothing to add to that. You've got nothing to add to nothing. It makes nothing. Well, then, if you add nothing to something, is it still nothing? No, it's whatever the something was is still there. But you've added nothing to add to nothing. It makes nothing. Well, then, if you add nothing to something, is it still nothing? No, it's whatever the something was is still there. But you've added nothing to it, so how is there anything extra? There's nothing extra.

Oh, no. Because you've added nothing. So is the weight of it different? Why would the weight of it be different if nothing is added? I was waiting to see what sentence would set you off on a little rant, and that was the one. Twat. Right, another thing about this dream. Yeah?

It was a very rare public appearance from the Cheggers. Oh, yes. Lord Cheggers. Le Cheguine, who made it, and so did his spiritual father, Keith, desiccated Keith. And then there was even a love song about Keith. Was there? I can't remember. I was stoned out of my mind Great, lovely and professional

Excellent stuff Well, what have we got coming up on today's show Mr Silverman? Well there is In a few short moments Paul, there will be The first bespoke source report On Cheap Show I've got some sources, I'm going to go through them

There's that And then I don't know, that's it. I've got some sauces. I'm going to go through them. There's that. And then, I don't know, that's it. I've come. I've come my way. Fine. In that case, it'll be a short episode where Eli Silverman eats some sauces and then leaves a sticky load of bollock oil

all over his hairy tum-tum. What else is coming up in the show, though? Well, all I'll say at this point, Mr. Silverman, is that there will be an alarm that will go off once I introduce the segment. Basically, I've got some top tips for staying happy.

How about that? How about I dangle it like that? Okay, well, I'm always up for tips for staying happy, Paul. You know me. Good, good, good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Could you describe it? How many tips? How many tips? 25. Now, that could be described as a

tranche of tips, couldn't it? No. No, it would be a tranche, though. Here's a tranche. There'll be a tranche of all the bad ideas you've ever had for this podcast. Eli, throw the switch, light the bulbs. It is time for to Source Report Hello A segment of its own

Because it deserves that stature within the cheap show Megastructure Thank you It has grown to become its own segment It has become a man today My segment grew this morning When I stroked it down Your segment? My chunky segment The stroked it down and your segment my chunky segment the

thing is when you say segment it feels to me in my head that you're describing your penis by comparing it to a trivial pursuit wedge or something i think more of a segmented sausage you know the way that they are well like those ones that wimpy used to sell that was severed and curled into a bun. What were they called? Chopped sausage. Were they called the big one or something? Yeah, something like that. Wasn't it?

The big blaster. The big long wiener. Yeah. Sliced in a way that it could curl in on itself. Well, no, I don't think the slicing was what allowed it to be curled in. It was shaped like that. That's what the traditional Cumberland is shaped like that as well. Yeah, but it wasn't a Cumberland, was it?

It was just some kind of weird hot dog sausage that had slices in. I know, but the slices were to make it cook on the griddle quicker because it gets the heat into it. No, there was definite slices. There was definite severage of sausage. Yes, the severage was to help it cook. It wasn't...

It didn't make it... It did not... If you are claiming... You know... If you're... ...fuck all about sausages. Hang on. Doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot.

Sausage report. No. I will... I'm going to look up wimpy sausage. I'm not discussing sausages with you. Wimpy sausage. I'm looking it up. It's happening.

And you know what you will find? You will find that... Mate. Oh, look what I'm going to show you on Zoom, you fucking twat. What? How about this? Look at this. I know it had those cuts.

I'm just... No, you look. You look. All right. Look at the camera. I'm showing you. What are you seeing? Yes, they have those slices to help it.

But you're telling me it wouldn't have... No. Are you telling me then, if they didn't slice it, they wouldn't put it in a burger bun? Otherwise, they'd put it in a sausage roll, wouldn't they? It's curved.

It's curved already before the slices. It's not. We're going to have to agree to differ on this. No, we're not differ curved. It's curved already before the slices. It's not. We're going to have to agree to differ on this. No, we're not differing. Sausage report. Pork Gannon knows his sausage. What was it called, though? That burger with the sausage and an egg in it?

Hang on. It says Pork Bender. Yeah! That's better than I remembered. I'll have a pork bender. Where would you like it? Oh, I went out to the pork pub last night and I had a pork bender. Now I've got a pork hangover.

Yeah, I have a pork bender. I had my pork goggles on last night. Oh dear. Now, we're here, Paul, in all seriousness, to talk... Hang on. And that's the end of the Sausage Report. Thank you. Thank you. But we are here, Paul, in all seriousness. And that's the end of the Sausage Report. Thank you.

Thank you. But we are here, Paul, to discuss... It's not going to be a new segment, by the way, within the Sausage Report, just to say that. OK? Well, one day it might grow its own wings and become a beautiful segment of its own. I can imagine a sausage with wings now.

I'm frying without wings. Right, right. We've got three distinct mini segments within the Sauce Report today, Paul. I'll be tasting some sauces. Let's crack on. Okay, so firstly, we are looking at some pizza sauces. Nice. Now, pizza sauces you get with your pizza.

They try and charge you, but then often they'll just throw them in for free. And there doesn't seem to be any hard and fast rule about that, does there? Well, it's always chive and onion or whatever. It was cream and chive. That's always the one they give out free. Oh, really? So you think there's a hierarchy in what they'll give out? Yeah, because think about it.

It's always an effort when you have to ask for barbecue sauce. You know what I mean? You kind of feel like you're out of place suggesting it. It's like, there you go. Here's your pizza. In the corner, there's your sauce. It's sour cream and chive. Fuck off.

And when you go, do you have any barbecue? You know, there's two people behind going, oh, just take it and go. And I feel the stress. And what if they don't do it? And then the awkward conversation comes up of, that's 20p extra, but I've paid by card. Have you got to pay 20p by card now? Oh, Eli. But that's what I mean, the whole awkwardness.

Just give me sauce. Do you know what I mean? I don't want to have to fucking play a game, a guessing game with you about whether I'm going to have to pay for the sauce or not. Give me sauce or give me death. Yes, exactly. So these are, I've got two examples here of Pizza Hut's sauces.

Right. Now, what I like about pizza sauces is the garlic and herb because you don't find garlic and herb in many other contexts. And it's a sauce I think works with a lot of things, not just pizza, basically. It tends to be a sauce just for dipping because it's either crisps or pretzels or pizza crusts. You know, you don't have it in a salad. You don't have it really with a main meal.

You could. And do you know what garlic and herb essentially is? It's ranch, Paul. It's ranch under a British... It's piss. Well, I'll be the judge of that when I taste it right now. So, Paul... It is flavourless piss and I think it worsens the crust you don't

like garlic and herb as a sauce as as god is my witness i do not okay well i'm going to taste pizza hut's offering right now it's in a little square tub uh yeah and um it's got a green green flap coding yeah green flap on the top. And it's got one of those ones you have to break it in the corner and get it off. And it's like my fat, chubby little fingers are struggling with it. Well, it seems like you don't need me anymore for this podcast, Mr. Silverman. You've learnt your lesson. I'm off back to heaven. Now, there's a very strong garlicky huff coming off that.

Woo. That's a good sauce, mate. Now, you may ask, Paul, Eli, how are you tasting these sauces? Just straight bare back, straight on the tongue, out of the pot? Or are you using some kind of neutral medium to deliver the sauce into your mouth? It would be the latter.

And I'm using... Funnily enough, I wasn't thinking of asking that question matzos jewish flatbreads they they are literally just flour and water so there's no taste going to interfere with the enjoyment of the sauce on this okay all right so let's just have a little taste of the pizza hut garlic and herb it's yellowy there's a bit of water retention on the top very sweet uh one day you'll be describing a sauce stop mid-sentence and just start crying you know that it's insipid that sweet and insipid but with a sort of oily garlic flavor really terrible terrible really bad what a letdown i've read one to the other uh and the second pizza hut is another

dipping sauce it's their hot one now oh they say it's hot it's not it's going to be a disappointing morass of sugar flavors isn't it basically well we often say don't we that we have a we have a palette that likes hot hot hot whereas that might be suitable enough just for your common or gone joe madam on the street yes and why pretend though that you like it hot when you don't actually you like it the opposite of hot not hot now i've opened it up it's got quite a nice uh sort of color this hot sauce very deep red looks like hot sauce you smell it it's got a very weak vinegary smell. There's no spice coming out of you. Just the vinegar substrate.

I'm going to guess this will be sweet and insipid, like the garlic and herb. Well, go on. Oh, very vinegary. Oh, that's disgusting. Awful. I mean, it's got some hotness. Just vinegary? Has it got any flavour? No. The only flavour it has is some sugariness. Sweet, hot, vinegary nonsense.

Yeah, you've got the tartness of the vinegar hits you, and then you think, oh, is only flavour it has is some sugariness. Sweet, hot, vinegary nonsense. Yeah, you've got the tartness of the vinegar hits you, and then you think, oh, is there flavour? No, there's a sweetness, sickly almost sweetness, and then give it a couple of beats, and the heat hits, and there's heat. I mean, it is hotter than I expected it to be. There is some heat there. Is it an aftertaste kind of heat,

rather than an immediate heat? Yeah, it's a burner, slow burner. But what I think you want for a hot sauce, for a pizza especially... Is it for this segment to be over? No, because this segment has barely begun, my friend. I know. So, yeah, terrible. I don't know what they're like from other popular pizza places,

but those were both fucking shit, man. Really bad. Now, from the profane to the sublime because we're moving on to some sauces made by the world king of sauce manufacture would have to be Heinz wouldn't it I mean I suppose Heinz to the Kellogg's of sauce they have types of sauce thousands literally thousands of varieties what sauce do you think they don't have? I reckon they don't have smegma and anchovy sauce. That is because that is not a real product. I reckon they'd do a sauce called placenta and pomegranate.

I would eat that. Yeah, right out the fucking scooper. Only if it's horse placenta, though. Horse placenta? No, I only gave her 10 quoper. Only if it's horse placenta, though. Horse placenta? No, I only gave her 10 quid. Right, so... What? I don't know.

There's a part of me that thinks that makes sense, but I'm not going to look into it too much. It doesn't, it doesn't. Because it just brought a little joy. Now, I've got three Heinz pots here, Paul. You sourced these for me. Can we just get a little joy now i've got three heinz pots here paul you sourced these for me can we just get a little bit of background on these uh these three sauces please well sometimes i take a particular route to work that allows me to go past a number of high street fast food restaurants and in this instance it was a burger king and i got the whole range of their sauces for fries

and i can't remember what they are but I'm sure you have them in front of you. I do. So why don't you tell me what I got you. Now going from most common to least we have barbecue sauce. You like barbecue sauce then? On fries yes sometimes it's nice. Now I wonder what they if that's what they call barbecue sauce here is what they call barbecue sauce here is what they call barbecue sauce like in fast food restaurants in America. I think there's like a universal understanding that barbecue sauce is that smoky brown ketchup.

Yeah, ketchup. Okay, so that's the first one. And then we have creamy honey mustard. Oh, yeah. Creamy honey mustard. Now, that would be nice i think oh again for dipping because they're like the burger king chips are a little bit different the mcdonald's they're slightly thicker a bit more crunchier they take to the sauce a lot better you don't don't you remember they relaunched their fries that was that was like the 90s though wasn't it

was it no it wasn't that it was about it? No. It was about 10 years ago. No, I think it was a long time ago. It was only 10 years ago they relaunched them for crunchy. Get the fucking phone out. Do, do, do, do, fries report. Here we go. Get the phone out. When did Burger King, I know that's, I've

wrote, ba-doing, ba-doing, Burger King, change their fries. Does your text... And he's out. Burger King, the second largest fast food... Does your predictive text go bedoying, bedoying? No, it was just the way it came out of my thumbs.

Right, Burger King, the second largest fast food chain in the country, is changing its french fry recipe. Yes, the french fries will now be thicker, crispy and hotter. And the report that the last time they changed it was in 1998. Yeah, but... Oh, that was from 2011. Yeah, told you. About 10 years ago, like I said. Yeah.

They're raising their game to compete with companies like Five Guys and In-N-Out. But that's America. That's America. Well, they happened here as well around the same time. Did Burger King change their fries? Oh. They did. Well, you know what, Mr. Silverman?

What? We'll agree to differ. No. Doot, doot, doot, doot, doot. Fries report. Fuck off. Right. And then third, so we've got creamy honey mustard.

I've never actually tasted creamy honey mustard before. I imagine that it will be almost like a mayonnaise mustard which is would be a good thing in my book especially with with a bit of sausage or something get on with it and lastly another one that is a common source but it's new to me as a heinz variety sour cream and chive sour cream and chive well not my favorite but you're right i don't know many heinz flavorings of that type. As a Heinz, that's quite uncommon, and I'm a bit regretful that I have to break

into it and besmirch it, because it's quite a rare piece, and as we talk, it is mint on card. So... You can't have sauce. Mint on card. I can't... What? I can't have sauce mint on card? You can't have sauce mint on card. I can't. What? I can't have sauce mint on card? You can't have sauce mint on card.

I fucking can. Right. Now, Paul, are you telling me that these were the only three sauces available? Surely they had ketchup and... I mean, not yet. They had ketchup and stuff. And don't call me Shirley. Every time.

I love it. I read two separate posts today that the person was trying to write the word surely, but it had predictive texted them as surly. Get on with the sauces. Right, okay. So I'll be tasting these Burger King sauces. Burger King give you mayonnaise. That's another big thing that they try and one-up McDonald's with.

Because you go into McDonald's, they will not give you mayonnaise. No, they won't. They will not. That's what their fucking problem is. They will not. They don't know what their fucking problem is. They will not. They don't know what their fucking attitude is. And they took vinegar out of their restaurants as well, didn't they? Yeah, but that made sense. I'm just opening

a new packet of matzos, my friend. And I've got a good long strip of dipping matzo. There you can see. There's the... Look at my matzo, Paul. Oh yeah, hang on, I'll look at your matzo. There you go.. There's the... Look at my matzo, Paul. Oh, yeah. Hang on. I'll look at your matzo. There you go. I forgot I could see you. I'm waggling the matzo. Oh, it's a nice flat bread.

Yes. Now, barbecue sauce. You like... What context would you like barbecue sauce in? Maybe with some sausages. Maybe... Pizza? You like it pizza? Because you said that scenario where you were asking for it at the pizza place. Yeah, pizza sometimes, but that's mostly

because I'm absolutely fucking sick to death of sour cream and chive sauces. you just don't like those white sour cream It just seems rude to go,

here's your pizza, here's some fucking sour cream and chive and I'm thinking, I'm never going to eat it so I'd rather you don't have it. When I offer

to swap it out, it's like it's a big fucking deal for them and it's just like, oh, I'm not going to feel bad for this. No, fuck off. Give me the sauce I want. Right, so. have it when i offer to swap it out it's like it's a big fucking deal for them and it's just like i'm not gonna feel bad for this no fuck off give me the sauce i want right so yeah i'm gonna taste some barbecue heinz barbecue very smoky very smoky huff on it and a good color as you'd expect from the people at heinz so uh god i hate this segment. Oh, very sweet.

Good amplitude, though, compared to other barbecue sauces I've tasted. They're the kings of amplitude, Heinz. Nice and rounded flavour. Very sweet, but I think it's supposed to be sweet barbecue sauce, isn't it? It's supposed to be sweeter than ketchup. Yeah. But I think just you get cheap... God. You get cheap shit ketchup and it is as sweet as that but that is like there's a difference so moving on uh hind creamy honey mustard have you come across this before go on i have come across

all creamy mustard before yeah right all over some Oh, very funny. I've splashed my creamy mustard all over some honey before, mate. Don't you worry. Creamy honey mustard is a good euphemism for spunk. So... This has got quite a solid-looking sauce. It is spoogy, for want of a better word. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I give a solid sauce and it has a very uh salad creamy um smell this month it's meant to be mustard but it's very salad creamy from the odor and also what's your opinion on salad cream i like it sorry i like it it's a good sauce no i like it it's nice in a sandwich like the millennials want to do if they want to do that but but please do not change the name to Sandwich Cream. It's just more... There's something more redolent of the air of spunk about that title, Sandwich Cream, doesn't it?

Sandwich Cream. Salad Cream also sounds pretty rude if you wanted it to be. No, Salad Cream is good. Salad Cream's fine. You're safe with Salad Cream. Sandwich Cream. Like, hello, would you like a sandwich? Shall I put some cream

in it? Sandwich cream. Would you like some of my bread splash? Yeah, exactly. Would you like baguette? Dippy baguettes? Would you like to slowly, slowly push a baguette into your mouth?

Oh God, right. I'm going to taste... Covered in mass sandwich cream. I've dipped, Paul. I've dipped in the honey. Also, it's got little bits. I wonder what the bits are. But why has it got bits? What kind of bits? Are they solid or viscous? Little dark bits. Little dark bits. Like little bits of pepper. Oh, maybe it is

pepper. Oh. What? That's good. The creamy honey mustard from Heinz. What would you have that with? Anything you'd have salad cream with, because it is essentially... A dressing. Yellow salad cream.

Oh, there you go. It doesn't taste of mustard at all. It's very sweet and just salad creamy. That's a good one. How is this what our podcast does now? How is this? How desperate are we? We're not.

This is important news about sauce coming straight to the people. Right. Don't make it sound like some kind of Lenin-esque fucking manifesto. Now, Paul. What? If you see any more of those honey mustards, I'd suggest... I'll pick them up.

Pick them up. Right, last of the... And the last of... In this segment of the Sauce Report... No, there's this whole thing. This whole pot. This is 20 minutes long already and I'll be fucked if I'm going to donate 40 more to the rest of your

paltry... Mate, I'm putting my foot down. Just your foot wants sourcing on? No, I just want, mate, I just want you to recognise that this is the last in this segment. Alright, fine, but that just means there'll be another source report in the future. I'm already coming to terms with

this decision. Okay, so last sauce we'll be covering today's sauce report is the heinz sour cream and chive now i love a sour cream and chive paul to the extent where i'll go and buy an extra one if i get something at mcdonald's even if i don't have a dish that comes with it as standard i will get it extra on purpose to dip my chips in that's how much i love their sour cream and chive sauce and how does this stack up let's find out quickly let's see how heinz stacks up to theirs the mcdonald's one is the one i like right good uh good texture creamy fluffy how can sauce be fluffy you twat it's It's a bit, you know, like a blancmange. You know, like a...

It's gelatinous, mate, not frothy or foamy. It's a bit fluffy, foamy. Like, you know, when you do... Candy floss is fluffy. Well, just a bit sort of airy. You know, slurry-like. Mate, it's a poor analogy. No, it's not.

It's about, imagine... Come on, move on. You're losing it. You're losing thisurry-like. Mate, it's a poor analogy. No, it's not. It's about, imagine. Come on, move on. You're losing it. You're losing this segment right away. Come on, it's falling apart, mate. Imagine you do an ecstasy tablet and you have a pint of very nasty Guinness on top of it while you wait to come up and then you go to the toilet and you do a shit. That's the texture that I'm talking about, right?

Everyone will know that foamy poo texture. The bum, bum. No, no one. When you say everyone, not everyone's taken LSD, then had shit. It's not LSD. Oh, for fuck's sake. Whatever, acid. Whatever doobie doobie drugs you take.

Everyone's going to be writing in going, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've had the foamy shits as well. No one. And if they do email, I'm going to delete them. Oh, fuck off. Right. The huff on the Heinz sour chive and cream, sour cream and chive, not great. Yeah, I remember talking to your microphone when you talked.

Oh, here we go. You don't know. You don't know what I'm talking into. You can't see me. You can't control me. I can judge by the distance of your voice from this call. i'm back on the mic sorry all right i'm gonna eat this tastes like salad cream oh that's not very nice oh that's not very good dropped the ball they really have there that's the worst of the three it just doesn't well there you go it doesn't taste

right that's that segment done on a massive letdown. And on next edition of the Source Report, we have a bespoke pot of sauces, or pot-o-sauce, which has some interesting things in it, and I'll be tasting those. Thank you very much. I can't wait until I edit that out of the next episode we record. Fuck you. Once again, ladies and gentlemen, if you think Eli should carry on

doing the source report, please remember to keep that opinion to yourself. You bitter... Either an email or Twitter. Eli? Yes? This is the worst segment of the show.

No, it's not. It is. It's great. Everyone's going to love that. No one is going to love you listening to piss-poor pots of sauce. Listening to sauce, was I? You were listening to the sauce

people. I will. Whatever. We're moving on. Okay. Eli. Yes. I have brought you here under false pretenses. Have you? What? You thought we were making another edition of Cheap Show, and I lured you here under false pretenses. Have you? You thought we were making another edition of Cheap Show, and I lured you in with the promise of a source report, and you've had that now.

I have that source report now. You have that. I have that source report. Unfortunately, I now have to open the box with the big red button, and violently, and with some impotent rage, I fire off the Noel alarm. No! Noel alert. Noel alert. Noel alert.

Edmunds. The Edmunds has returned into our lives once again. Mainly because I was thinking, you know what? What's he been up to? Has he been up to something? Has he been doing something? What's he been up to? Has he been up to something? Has he been doing something? What's he been doing? He's not up to much as far as I know. Do you think he's behind this whole outbreak in some way?

No, no, no, no. We all know Noel's a puppet for Steve Wright now. Okay. Well, yeah. What I think's happening is Noel Edmonds is currently in his underground lair where he has a bank of TVs and monitors. He's trying to absorb the internet, is what I think he's doing. He can't be stopped.

He can't be stopped. He can't be stopped. He can't be reasoned with. He can't be. He's an entertainment machine, and he won't stop until you've heard some shitty anecdote from Barbara in Suffolk. God, he's awful, isn't he? Anyway, what we're doing today in our Noel Alert section is I was looking

through his book, Positively Happy, that we've mentioned briefly in the past. And because it's a bit tough at the moment, with the lockdown, I thought, who best to give us some advice on being positively happy? The Noel Edmonds? I mean, he's, yeah. I get the impression he really is happy. He says he's happy. He convinces himself he's happy.

He's happy. He's happy. He seems happy, yeah. But at night, he lies there in bed, unable to get an erection, and just violently smashes a plate onto the floor before bed. Why? Is he Greek or something? No, he just has a stack of plates, and every night he looks sad, grabs one,

and just lazily throws it on the ground, and it smashes, and only then can he sleep. Is his wife Greek or something? No, there's nothing Greek about it. I could have said anything. I could have said, oh, every night he sits there after a failed attempt at masturbation

and then chokes out a rabbit. Oh, that's a lot worse than dropping a plate. Because he enjoys their screams before he sleeps. Yeah, that's quite satanic now. There we go. Right. So anyway, his book Positively Happy has a chapter, chapter 8, which is

25 ways to be positively happy, and I think it's only fair we share it with the audience. Isn't number 1 be extremely rich? Well, let's find out as I read chapter 8, 25 ways to be positively happy. And you just stop me if anything irks you, alright? Okay, Paul, will do. Thank you.

Here we go. Well, if you've got this far, you're either curious, contemplating some sort of improvement in your life, or you've opened the book at the back. Ah! At this point, I think it's time to pull out some

key points and put everything together. Terrible! Can I just say? What? Does that sentence read? He definitely hasn't had an editor in, has he? At this point, I think it's time to pull out some key points and put everything together. He'd lose at just a minute there, wouldn't he?

Why? Repetition, word, point. Yeah, but that is not what he's doing. No one writes a book with the rules of just a fucking minute in their head. It's bad it's bad though it's badly written you should use you shouldn't use point and especially you shouldn't use the same word in two different ways in one sentence that's really bad do you know what i mean at this moving on at this point he doesn't need to say at this point he could just say now

he could say now couldn't he read that sentence, if you go and pick every single thread on this, we're going to be reading this book for fucking ever. Read the sentence and replace at this point, which is at the beginning, with the word now, please. Now, I think it's time to pull out some key points and put everything together. Beautiful. I don't think it makes a difference.

I want to make it clear that the things I suggest work for me, but none of this is prescriptive. I don't think you have to do everything at once. Your journey to becoming positively happy is a lifetime one, and there'll be lots of fine-tuning on the way. Ah, excuse me. I can't disagree with that. A fucking what?

It's a lifetime one. So he sells you the book saying he'll make you happy, and then it's like, well, take your whole lifetime. So what? I'm fucking content just before i fucking die no he's saying that there's no such thing as complete fucking resolution of who you are as a person there's always change are you defending you're defending no to me you you're saying that that's good this is good okay i'm just saying if you pull apart everything he says then you're weakening

overall your overall arguments against no because then it petty. I'm trying to give a bit of balance, so that the things that do hit, hit hard. All right, go ahead. Sorry. He continues, I've been honest in this book because I think being honest with yourself is absolutely vital if you're going to be more positive. You also have to believe you have the right to happiness. You cannot and will not do so without this belief. That's a sentence I don't like. No, it's terrible. Terribly written. As I said at the beginning, my own belief, that which enforces my practical actions,

lies in the cosmos. But you certainly don't need to believe in the cosmos to understand and follow the concepts in this book. You just need to believe you can do it. Number one. We're getting into it. All right. What does he mean by the cosmos?

The cosmos is the cosmos. There's no believing. The cosmos is ignorant to Noel Edmonds. That's what the cosmos is. The cosmos doesn't go, oh, what's Edmonds up to? Yeah. The cosmos doesn't do anything, does it? No.

No. He's an existential blip on the windscreen it's confusing universe it's confusing paul because he says if you don't have to believe in the cosmos but if you buy the cosmos in its general meaning just means the universe out there and everyone believes that that exists don't they so do you know i mean it's just oh go on hit me with it number one create opportunities and luck will follow in order for things to happen to you you have to send the right signals to the cosmos to other people and yourself you can't just sit on your bum and wait for positive things to happen you have to

show that you're worthy of them people who succeed actively set out to create opportunities they don't always know exactly what they want but don't let that stop them. They just keep trying until they find it. I agree with Noel. Oh God, I hate Noel. I hate Noel. I agree with Noel. Why? Because it's true. Opportunities don't just come because you think you're good enough to get them. Yes, that's true.

That's your perspective, Eli. That's how you think the world works. No, that's not how I think. No, Paul. It is. No, Paul, you're correct. Yes. Here's how you think. I'm Eli. It is. No, Paul, you're correct. Yes. Here's how you think. I'm Eli. I went to a special school. I'm a special boy.

And things will happen to me. I'll just wait. All right. So it's not about Noel. It's about me. My so-called privilege. Bullshit. I don't think I'm a special boy. I don't think I'm a special boy. Eli thinks he's a special boy i don't think i'm a special boy eli thinks he's a special boy paul

i agree yes that is you obviously you've got to get opportunities work hard to make opportunities absolutely but he's saying it's deceitful what he's saying because he's saying on one hand you just have to ask the cosmos to give you things but then on the other hand he's not saying ask the cosmos he is he is he says send the right signals to the cosmos what he's saying is

if you put yourself out there as a productive doer you believe in the cosmos you believe in the Edmonds cosmos I don't believe in the cosmos bullshit but I believe in the if you go cosmos. I don't believe in the cosmos bullshit, but I believe in the, if you go and make your own opportunities, they will come. But that's what I'm saying.

He muddies that whole point, which is true, but is also very trite and is in any number of self-help books. But he's sort of... Well, we're 11 minutes in and one point down. This is going to go on forever. He's welded the cosmos onto that. It's like, work your arse off and make opportunities

and then the cosmos will give you an opportunity. No, the cosmos won't give you anything back. It fucking does. He's saying that's what it gives. It gives you it back. It's what he's fucking saying. Give me point number two. Number two, focus on yourself.

You have an obligation to yourself. You have an obligation to yourself to make your life the best, most productive life you can. I'll produce. Self-focus is the key. It's not about nasal gazing or being introspective. Oh, yeah. Nor is it about being selfish.

It's recognising your right to think about yourself and your needs. Yes. In this way, you will attract opportunity. Well, Paul, I do focus on myself sometimes twice a day. Yeah, you do. Sometimes twice a day, and I'm very productive when I focus on myself, yeah? So what you're saying is you think about yourself to masturbate. That's weird, isn't it?

No. Do you think about yourself? No. Joshy? No. I focus on myself, a special boy. Special boy. You.

No, not what you do. You stare in the mirror, wanking, saying out loud, I'm a special boy. Is that what you do? No, I never said I. You stare in the mirror, wanking, saying out loud, I'm a special boy. Is that what you do? No, I never said I did. I'm just saying. I'm quoting you verbatim. I'm a special boy. What I was trying to say is when I focus on myself,

as in focus on a certain aspect of my anatomy, I'm very productive. I'm not an idiot. That's the only time you are. That's true. The most productive you are is when you pump out some hot bollock oyster sauce on your tum-tum. It doesn't go in my tum-tum. It goes away.

It goes far and wide. Anyway. Here we go. Point three. Have a vision, a passion, an overwhelming desire. Vision is essential when you are seeking to convert positive thought into success. I cannot think of one significant thing that has happened in my life without, first, having a vision of what I wanted.

Having a vision is not just daydreaming. It's a clear mental picture of what you want and say, that's me, that's where I'm going. If you don't believe you can do it no one else will you have to be the one with the vision and you have to have the power to bring it to life with opportunity comes confidence and success which breeds greater success and thus the cycle continues i hate his smug mouth uh can i just say that i hate this it's such trite do you not have desires then eli is that what you're saying? I've got desires.

I've got, yeah. Nah. But again, it's stuff that is... Your desires should be to live in a room that isn't caked in sauce. It's not caked in sauce. There was a little incident after the source report was just trying to spark the set, as it were. There was a bit of a spillage and I had to use an oyster card squeegee to...

It comes off a tree. I was manipulating, right angle manipulating the sauce with the bevelled edge of an oyster card. Right, well, I'm just going to crack on. What was that last one?

You think that's good as well then, do you? Have a vision. Did you have a vision when you started this podcast? Did you fuck? Yeah. My vision was to make a podcast

where a weekly ant did based by a troglodyte halfwit. And I achieved that dream with fucking distinction. Okay, mate. Sorry. Jesus. Alright. Number four. Make space for your dreams. You have to

make space for what you want and show yourself and others that you're serious. If you don't ask, you don't get. In order to ask for something, you have to positively make room for your dreams you have to make space for what you want and show yourself and others that you're serious if you don't ask you don't get in order to ask for something you have to positively make room for in your life no matter what other responsibilities you have the one to yourself is just as important as any of them like for instance when noel's responsibilities to make a health and safety check during a live show being executive producer yeah but he thought about himself no that worked. He totally thought. He had a vision of a lawsuit, didn't he? Any problems with that?

No, moving on. Point five. Let go of self-imposed limitations. Many of the limitations are a result of our upbringing and get reinforced by family and friends. So they can be pretty tough to leave behind. Changing our behavior means undoing those years of conditioning and altering our views about what we can do.

It means liberating ourselves from our past, ultimately becoming more comfortable with who we are. Again, just sort of trite, meaningless gumph. Psycho babble, Paul. It's psycho babble. I don't know. You grew up thinking you were a special child. No, I didn't.

I did not go up thinking I was a special child, No, I didn't. I did not think. I did not grow up thinking I was a special child, Paul. You did. I think you were gifted. No, I didn't. If you must know. But all you're gifted with is crusty bed sheets. If you must know, I had it troubled. Where's all that Steiner school gone to? Where's all that education

gone to? I got expelled. I got expelled from the Steiner school. Yeah? Because you kept wanting to sit at a table with edges. You're a cunt, you are. You know that. No, you are, you are. Point six. Memorise

this. So you want you to memorise this statement. Yeah, I will. Here we go. Here it is. Quote. Hang on. I'm a special person. Hang on, I'm a special person. I'm it is. Quote, hang on. I'm a special person. Hang on. I'm allowed to be happy at what I do. I'm allowed to be happy at what I do. I'm allowed to consider my own happiness as well as the... As well as the...

As well as those... Those... As well as those people around me. As well as those people around me. And I'm allowed to do all this without any feeling of guilt. And I'm allowed to do all of this without any feeling of guilt. And that's exactly what a psychopath says, isn't it? Yeah, totally. Yeah. I want to do all this without any feeling of guilt. And I'm allowed to do all of this without any feeling of guilt? That's exactly what a psychopath says, isn't it? Yeah, totally. I want to do all the things and I want to do them guilt-free.

Yeah, I'm allowed. Right, question seven. Not question seven, point seven. Don't depend on others for approval. Sure, it's great if others happen to give their approval, but don't go around from person to person looking for it like a little kid on Halloween. Kids don't look for positive reinforcement on Halloween.

No, they look for sweets. But that's the metaphor, isn't it? It's not a very good one. Perhaps it would be better if they did look for positive reinforcement on Halloween. Yeah, maybe. Instead of going trick or treat, they'd say compliment or insult. And you'd go, insult, you fucking little shit. I'd love that.

That would be great. Little kid comes to my door. Compliment or insult? You look like an inbred monster, you fucking half-wit child. Fuck off. But then, yeah, but you get a compliment from the kid, don't you? Or you get to insult them? Or they get to insult you?

Oh, they get to insult. Then I'll ask for a compliment. Okay. You're very nice, mister. All right, do you want to come in? Oh god What? Just to watch some telly? No, I'm going

Well, thanks for popping by, thanks for the compliment That's alright, now, Mr Gannon Creepy Mr Gannon in number 32 Right, here we go, number 8 Live the life you're living now, it's the one that matters What if I'm dead? Well, no That's not life then, is it?

Twat Live the life you're living now What if I'm dead? Yeah, good point, Mr Silverman No, what if I'm deathly ill? You're one of the great thinkers of this country, aren't you? Well, I'm a very... Paul, I'll have you know, I'm a very special boy

Always a special boy. Everyone's always told me that. And I tell myself, when I focus on myself and I produce gallons, gallons of spunk, I've got it all stored. No, you don't. I've got gallons, I've got the spunk. So you know what? Considering you used to

collect snot as a kid, you collecting jars of your own spoffage wouldn't surprise me. I call it galleon's reach. Why? Is it so I can get confused when I'm looking for it in Brighton? Paul, Paul. Yeah. And now that, just, sorry, I do want to hear Edmunds' last two tips, but.

Mate, no, there's not two. There's another, like, 15. Oh, my God. All right. So I go, I tell you what, how about I just go for the titles at this point, and you tell me if you want to hear it. Yeah, sure, okay. Come on, what's Edmunds' next fucking trite

piffle-paffle? Right, so point nine is called Think Like a Strong Person. Oh yeah, yeah. I'll give you the first sentence. There, I've labelled you, so now you're stuck with it. Oh, fuck off, Noel! There are no strong or weak people, just people who

see things stronger and in a different way. I disagree! You cunt. Now, go on, what's the next one? Fuck that. Make someone's life, someone else's life, happier. Yeah, fair enough. Do you do that? Do you do that, Eli? Do you give joy to someone else? Of course I do. Who?

People who come into contact with me. Like? Anyone. Your drug dealing friends? Your gambling buddies? Oh, fuck off! The people you owe money to? Misrepresenting me! Fuck off! The fall of the lonely...

No, the fall of the special boy. That should be your... Shut up. What's the next one? People who consider others and engage with them are more likely to live happier lives themselves. Oh, fuck off, Noel. Fuck off, Noel. The recipient of spontaneity will become a donor.

What if that spontaneous, that positive spontaneity is some kind of fucking quip on the radio, like you're expert at? It's like, that's what he thinks when he says his smug little half jokes, that he's helping people. Do you know what I mean? That he's like being nice. You're not being nice, you're being smug.

Maybe this book should have been called Noel Edmonds Positively Smug. Yeah, it would be much more descriptive, wouldn't it? I mean, come on. Number 11, be a positive force in your community. Do you think Noel Edmonds was a positive force in the community he brought Grinkly Bottom to? Yeah.

The dead-on-its-feet theme park. He must have been, and he must be such a huge community member at the fucking country club near his golf course or whatever where he spaffs over the waitress's dress and pays her an extra tenner and then goes, put some of that in the cream of mushroom soup. I want to see my golf enemies drink my spaff out of mushrooms. Wow. No, fair enough.

You're probably right. It is community. Fucking fuck off. Oh, there's Noel Edmonds. He's off down the tea shop to spunk him with milk bottles. Edmonds. He's off down the tea shop to spunk him more with milk bottles. Edmonds. Oh, dear. There's a really good video online.

Expedition Theme Park does a kind of breakdown of Crinkly Bottom and how it was built. Oh, really? And basically, he went into a really nice country park kind of, you know, estate. And went, I'm going to build garish, cheap, pink, blobby-esque, ugly-looking fake town. Like those old fairs that used to come to town in the summer. The ghost houses in those were so grody. Number 12. Be grateful for what you have

already. Do you see? Your loved ones might already know you love them, but just to make sure, why not tell them? Never take them for granted. It says, remind yourself how grateful you are for everything you have. Write it down on a piece of paper and put it next to your bed and read it every night. I don't want to read how grateful I am every night.

Eli, do you reckon that means every night Noel Edmonds goes to bed and writes on a piece of paper, helicopter, house, wife, taxi, fake wife. Yeah, exactly. Lloyd's Bank, no. Sticking it to Lloyd's Bank. Now, Paul, again, this is feeling gratitude and being grateful for things is extremely good for your mental health. But this is an accepted fact. You know what I mean?

Why am I paying Noel for this? I mean, he's repackaging, isn't he? Yeah. It's things that are quite common quite common yes that's what i mean and so much of the whole genre of self-help is this stuff you know which is well that's the problem yeah isn't it it's basically i'm not disagreeing particularly with anything he's saying what i'm usually disagreeing with is how he frames it in regards to his own success yes and it seems he discovered it and proved its point. And as if he wasn't...

What he calls luck, he believes, came to him because he asked the cosmos, or he sent a message to the cosmos. I reckon cosmos is the name of some fucking 18-year-old boy prostitute. Oh, God. You know what I mean? Every night I fucking pray to the cosmos. I'm sending signals.

I'm sending positive signals all over cosmos. I spank signals. Yeah, we got it. That was the idea, yeah. Was it? Wow, right. Okay, what else? Come on, read it out.

Point 13. Do talk to strangers. The world is no less or more evil than it has ever been. The majority of people are decent and good and not out to get you. Yeah, fine. Yeah. Don't let your fears or inadequacies keep you from connecting with the world. I'll tell you where some people are sort of not definitely 100% friendly

was the local park where I went the other day, and it was stuffed with crackheads. But Noel says you should speak to them. Well, they just asked me for cigarettes that's all i did i did speak to them yeah yeah and was it a positive experience it wasn't it was quite frightening in a strange way well there you go no we can't speak to all strangers uh next don't compare yourselves to others again the most basic kind of um thing you'd say to someone who has anxiety or depression.

The most basic thing is you'd say that. Do you know what I mean? Which is true. Except who you are is liberating, he says. Next, 15. Except there is no perfect life. I mean, yeah. Who can you say ever lived a perfect life?

Like you'd put it on a wall and say, all right, everyone, this is an example of a perfect life. This is Harry from Felixstowe. Is that the perfect life for you, Paul? Yeah. Paul. Harry and Felixstowe, he had a wife. What's his name? What's his name?

Harry or Larry. Is it Harry or Larry? And what's Mr. Inchman's name? Paul? Larry. It's Larry, isn't it? What did you write on the fucking thing when you put the podcast up? Jerry.

Okay, Jerry. You said Jerry. He's not Jerry Inchman. He's Larry Inchman. Jerry Inchman is his cousin. Oh, yeah? What does he sound like? Terrible.

Yeah, it is, actually. You put me on the spot. Actually, the thing about Jerry is he's a bit of a subversive. He goes up to you and goes, one full meter. One full meter. Can I give you a meter, sir? Meters?

Right. One full meters. Come on, come on. Sixteen. Don't expect too much of money. That's very deep. Thanks, Noel. Money is money. Great. It is not compensation for anything else. No amount of it can bring you emotional happiness.

Money is nice to have, but it should not be the sole reason you strive to achieve. It's all very well for you to say that, isn't it, Noel? When you're a millionaire by your mid-twenties. Yeah, and that's again another thing that they've um looked at and you do you get your your happiness or contentness does increase with money but only up to a certain level so that level where it stops increasing with more of it is way behind no do you know what i mean is way way behind so it's like you know it's all very well

for you to say that i think think the most telling sentence, though, is where it says no amount of it can ever bring you emotional happiness. Yeah. If anyone's going to know, it is going to be Noel. It's going to be Noel. But, I mean, I didn't need him to tell me that. I knew that. Number 17, be proud of what you've done so far.

This is a short one. I know this is the UK, and we're not supposed to shout it from the rooftops but you are entitled to be proud of what you've achieved. Remember that you're comparing you with you. That's not boasting. Well, here's the thing.

I think he wants to be the best thing in the UK at what he does. Right? But I also think he resents the UK because the UK thinks the best thing he can do is shit. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, totally. That's think he resents the uk because the uk thinks the best thing he can do is shit yeah yeah yeah totally that's so there was a little dig there was a whole dig at the uk for being unboastful there isn't it he doesn't know he tried he tried to break into america didn't he and he had all those chat show things oh really when in the 80s no it was mid 90s i think it was

right i'll put a link to the video on our website, so if you go to the webpage for this episode, there'll be a video for that pilot that Noel Edmonds shot. It's on YouTube, but I'll put it on a webpage. I'd be interested to see that. You wouldn't. It's absolutely awkward gash, where most of the thing is him talking to the audience, and they're American, and they

don't understand his humour, and don't understand his accent. Yeah, and his humour is not very strong anyway, is it? If you want to watch an hour or 90 minutes of Noel Edmonds laughing to himself nervously, then go for it. Next, play to your strengths. Yes, obviously. All right.

Number 19. Remember, you're here for a good time, not a long time. Yeah, I can get behind that. Life is short, and for me, there is reason enough not to allow a negativity to dominate it. Negative moments are a part of life, but dwelling on them need not be. Unless they're overwhelming your mind. Yeah. There are people who simply cannot and will not think positively,

no matter what happens in their life. These people are no good for you. They'll not only suffocate me, so they're murderers as well. His metaphors get all muddied, don't they? That sounds like the comments someone who's got an ex-wife says. Yeah. You know what I mean? Margaret fucking suffocated all my great ideas. Terrible.

Use criticism constructively, not destructively. Which is fine, because, you know, criticism can be good if it's offered in a productive sense. But if someone writes, I don't know, on a comments page on YouTube, oh, look, there's that Giacomo Nance. Sometimes it's really hard to... I wonder who wrote that.

...to roll over on that one. Yeah. All those comments that say things like, I don't know, Paul's technical incompetence ruined this stream. Thank God for Eli's Snapple Bottle Nuzzle-age and fucking Keith Worship

that saved the stream. Well, you know, you've just got to know where your Keith is battered. And I'll tell you where Keith is battered, Paul. On its witch hole. I've got you trained! I've got you down! No, you haven't got me trained. You've got me beaten into submission. He's battered on his witch hole.

Next. Next. 21. Accept that you can't be liked by everyone or in Eli's case anyone. Oh fucking shut up. Don't fight their

negativity with your own. That's fair enough. 22. Make. I did this one. Number 22. Yeah.

Make friends with your lows. People who cope with negative feelings don't treat them as something alien. They recognise that lows are just as significant as highs. So they relax and don't waste their energy fighting them. Again, it's just normal sort of advice you could find in any book of this sort, really. There's nothing new.

No. 23. Seek out new points of view. If you want to learn how to bring change in your own life, you need to develop flexibility by looking at a situation from a different perspective.

Yeah. Yeah. Like the perspective of someone who doesn't understand medicine who tells you this box can cure cancer. Like that perspective

or something like that. Cunt. This is when he's getting to the end of the list and he's like, I've kind of said this shit a couple of times already. How do I fucking...

He probably got someone else to do it, didn't he? He asked Cosmos. He asked Cosmos and Cosmos came round, joshed him off, gave him a blowy and then finished the list for him. Oh, Cosmos. You write me book all pretty.

Oh, you make my words work. 23, 24. Here we go. Don't be afraid of change yeah that's fine i agree with that blah blah blah blah you have to speculate to accumulate yeah obviously and finally believe that you can be positively happy and then he just says all the things i just mentioned you should think about i hope that by reading this book you can at the very least get to the point where you believe you can have the power to redirect your life and become a happier person and then here's the very last paragraph of the book so let's see how noel goes out all right okay well that's just about it you now know a little bit more about me and a whole lot more about positivity so there remains just one all-important question. What are you going to do now? Close the cover and hurl the book into the nearest waste bin? Use it to prop up that dodgy

coffee table? Or keep it close to you and regularly refer to the little tips sprinkled through its pages? I really hope it's the latter. I'd like to leave you with this simple observation on life that consistently worked for me. The challenges we face every day do not make us who we are, but they reveal who we are. Oh, and never forget that you have a fundamental right to love

and to be loved, to be successful and to be happy. Noel Edmonds. Oh God, how many trite little truisms can he stuff into the last sentence fucking hell well no the all-important question what am i going to do with this book the answer is spoff all over it during the lockdown uh if we can't get a shop delivery in this will be appearing between the cheeks of my ass yeah going right up I will be spreading my brown positivity all over Noel's

helpful words that is is terrible but you know it's he could have had that ghost written

by someone in fact he probably did or maybe I can find like a picture from like a website of like you know body discoveries

and put a photograph in the middle of it and on the back write this book worked for me and give it back to a charity shop nice well thank you no i think we've all learned a little bit there and maybe we can all

go into the world a little bit more positive and a little bit more like no leban's yes i certainly will be strutting around thinking oh the cosmos is coming oh the cosmos cosmic ways to change your life and i tell you what to end on I'll read you some reviews from Amazon. This is what Abby wrote. Two stars. Wasted time. Talks about himself the whole way through. Blah, blah, blah.

I used to like Noel Edmonds. Wow, he's really losing people. I bet he didn't ask the cosmos for that. I mean, to be fair, it has got, it does have 58% five-star ratings. Okay. And 6% one star. So let's look at the one star.

Right, Dr. George Sick gave it one star. He's a doctor? Is that his real name? It just says Dr. George Sick. You'd have to change your name if you were really a doctor called Mr. Sick. Your consultant is coming to see you now.

Here's Dr. Sick. Most of these reviews suggest that the general public loves Noel Edmonds. Let's get things clear. Only a tiny fraction of the general public like Noel Edmonds. The ones who watch his dreadful quiz show because they have nothing better to do with their lives.

The rest of us find his smug, tidy-bearded grin positively toe-curling. Here is a man who admits openly in this book that he is of questionable talent and that he only got his big break as a broadcaster because of the infinitely more talented Kenny Everett and a load of you people. Is that in the book?

Did he get his break? Yeah, I mean, it doesn't mention it directly, but that's kind of true, yeah. Kenny Everett kept on getting fired, so they were hiring people in his weight. Oh, just because Everett kept getting fired? Is that how he got his opportunity? Yeah. Wow.

He is now back on our screens and has the monumental arrogance to attribute this somehow to cosmic forces. His cavalier attitude to health and safety got a member of the public killed in one of his shows, and his dreadful crinkly bottom theme park distorts the entire seaside resort of Morecambe. Wow. Is this really something we should be going for in terms of advice? Well, it's your money and the more suckers who buy this,

the more positively happy Noel Edmonds is likely to be. I'm not sure I can say the same for its readers. And then one last one. That's a good review. One last one from Dr. R. Wally. Why is he a doctor? Why is he called R. Wally? Sorry, no. Mr. R. Wally. Why is he a doctor? What's he called R. Wally for? Sorry, no, Mr. R. Wally.

I don't know why I said doctor. Mr. R. Wally writes, I cosmically ordered a bucket of Kentucky Fried Swan last Thursday and nothing was delivered. I reckon a phone call is your best bet for ordering stuff and you can use this book for throwing at cats.

Yeah, exactly exactly it's the way he tries to put a whole sort of that whole sort of bullshit um thing about synchronicity or asking the universe that whole aspect it puts me off even more because it's it's just bullshit isn't it it's just yeah it's uh what confirmation bias isn't it you go oh i asked yeah i asked for some money and then i got some money it's like those mediums isn't it? You go, oh, I asked. Yeah. I asked for some money and then I got some money. It's like those mediums, isn't it? You know, fake mediums. It's the same thing.

It's just the way it is. Yeah. So there you go. Hopefully you've learned something today and I think it's time to wrap this show up. Let's do that.

No Watch is over. Fuck off, Noel. What a packed show it was. We're going to actually have to push back the Gannons Golden Games till next week. So next week, ladies and gentlemen, we'll be finding out if Eli Silverman is smarter than a 10-year-old. Okay, I'm looking forward to that, Paul.

And just to clear it up, Paul, just to clear this up, it's Larry, Larry Inch because i just i just want to get him off my back okay so you know if you could refer to him in the printed material because he's got a whole business thing he doesn't want you know the tax people looking into it he's he's larry larry inchman yeah i'm not asking i mean he will just put he'll barge in here i've had yeah i've had him come down here. He's come to the House of Pickles. He hasn't got the visa to get in, you know,

but I've had to send him away. So just... Larry Inchman is becoming my most hated invention of yours. Okay. Can I just put that on the record? He adds nothing. He does nothing. He does...

He comes on and just says the word inch loudly, which affects my ear when I'm editing because I have to then take all that loud audio and reduce it so it's palatable for people who put up with your fucking special boy. Shut up. I'm not a special boy. Yeah, finally.

Yeah, you admit it. You're not a special boy. You're like all of us. Yes. A pleb. Yes. Okay, just wanted to mention boy. Yeah, finally. Yeah, you admit it. You're not a special boy. You're like all of us. Yes. A pleb. Yes. Okay, just wanted to mention that. Thanks, Paul.

Get on with the end. Yeah. Right, it's the end of the show. We'll play Are You Smarter Than a Ten-Year-Old next week, so that's good. Something to look forward to. But let's just say goodbye by giving you the admin you need to get in touch with us.

Email thecheapshow at gmail.com. The website, www.thecheapshow.co.uk Every episode has a page for it, so you can check out images and sometimes videos that accompany these episodes. Have you got photos of these sources? Yes, there will be. It takes them anyway

and send them to me. I can't because there was that accident and it's all gone. Great, lovely. Lovely stuff. Sorry. Yeah, good. Right, moving on. I forgot my point now.

You twat. Patreon. We love them. No, I was getting to another point. .co.uk. Website, yeah. The website has a link to the voting, which is ongoing for the Cheap Show Awards. It has a link to the Unbound project I'm doing. It has a link to Events Magazine Which is ongoing For the Cheap Show Awards It has a link to The Unbound project

I'm doing It has a link to Events Magazine You're in vision Issue You're in a vision You're a nation vision You're a nation

You're a nation And it's got a link to Tony's Art Merch page on Redbubble So it's a one stop shop For all the stuff there Yes Patreon.com

Forward slash Cheap Show If you want to help support this In any small or large Financial capacity Magazine Number 10 magazine And you'll get the magazine And podcasts And videos patreon.com forward slash cheap show if you want to help support this in any small or large financial capacity. Number 10 magazine. And you'll get the magazine and podcasts and videos and bits and bobs

as and when they come. What else? Your Envision. We've had a few entries in. I've not replied to the emails yet because I just want to leave them virginial until we can tackle them on the show. Virginial.

One minute. Vaginal. One minute to 90 seconds. Vaginal. Song. You'd like to enter into your Envision. Regina Fattata. Is she going to be the judge One minute to 90 seconds. Vaginal. Song. You'd like to end it. Regina Fattata. Is she going to be the judge?

It will be fucking good. That's it. I'm done. Bye. Bye. That's it. I'm done. Bye.

Bye. It's Eli Snow. E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. Bye, though. Very good. Okay, yeah. Well, there's a bright golden thing. If you do like salad cream, it's worth it.

Okay. Sorry, I'm exporting this now oh god I've dropped the sauce on the floor oh fucking hell I've literally

dropped sauce on my arm oh god oh the sauce is going on the bed fuck oh mate I'm going to have to

squeegee that off of his credit card. You live in filth. Fuck off. I do not. Oh, God. Oh. Jesus. It's not even a nice sauce.

God, those Pizza Hut ones are fucking terrible. Sauce all over my bed. It's not even a nice sauce. God, those Pizza Hut ones are fucking terrible. Oh, sauce all over my bed. Oh, it's grim. Oh, it's grotty. Paul, I'm just going to... Sort yourself out for a bit, yeah. Yeah, one, literally one. One minute.

Yeah, hang on. Oh! Oh! Let me have a slurp of me coffee.