CheapShow - Ep 179: The Noodle Decimal System

Episode Date: May 22, 2020

In times like these, when all seems lost, when we find ourselves consumed with confusion and worry, it's good to know there is a hero to show us the way. Someone who will reach out into the darkness and shout "I am Eli and I bring you... NOODLES". So yes, it's another dose of instant noodle goodness this week. Eli shows off two new discoveries and Paul largely has to put up with it. Same old, same old. However, we also get to find out if Eli is "Smarter Than a 10 Year Old" when Paul pulls out another of Gannon's Golden Games. Unfortunately, this leads to a lot of potentially very troubling "humour". Finally, witness the birth of 2 new characters. Both of them bloody awful! Welcome to CheapShow... And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-179-noodle-decimal-sysytem If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! AWARDS: Vote Now @projectcheapsk8 https://tinyurl.com/cca2020vote2 MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Paul is writing a book! Want to help make it happen? https://unbound.com/books/ghosts/

Listener, come here. Come close. Listener, come close. Eli was trying to find a pop shield for his microphone, right? No. And he couldn't find the T-shirt. I won't. And he said, oh, this one's literally got spoff on it.

No, I didn't. Very good, Paul. Yeah, make some stuff up that make me sound like some kind of grotty, spoff-dusted cave troll. I'm not. I'm actually not a troll who lives in a cum-crusted cave troll. I'm not. I'm actually not a troll who lives in a cum-crusted cave of his own despair

rolling around in sweet wrappers and curry tins crusting over in both ends. Do you know what, Eli? Break the crust open. Do you know what, Eli? Get your chisel. Let me just violently stop you there for a second.

Get your cross chisel. And just say this. You can say all you like that what I'm saying is lies and that I paint you as a spoff-crusted troll, right? Yeah. However, we do live in a technologically advanced age. Yes. And when we started the Zoom call,

it was recording everything from the minute you picked up. So I have audio footage of you saying, ah, that was literally covered in spunk. So all I'm saying is, if I was Columbo, that would be my just one more thing moment. No, that's not Columbo. He was a kind man who solved crimes and

then, you know, outsmarted people. I saved the crime. You spied on me. You recorded me without my permission. You got permission the minute you answered the call. No, I didn't. Oh, fuck Zoom. Zoom's shit. Where's our liberties? I'm the solver of

the mystery of the Spoffy Troll. Welcome to Cheap Show. Oh, right, yeah. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're gonna have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap Show Cheap Show

It's the price of shite Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheap Show And I go and I nuzzle Hello, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast. I am Paul Gannon and that is... I'm Eli Silverman. I've got my crust chisel ready

and I'll be tapping it through the crystal extrusions on the wall of your mind. We've literally lost Eli three minutes in. Excellent. Oh, chip away. I'll chip, chip, chip, chip. Chip away at the crusts. You know what? I'll never let you chip away. I'll never let you chip away. I'll chip, chip, chip, chip. Chip away at the crusts.

You know what? I'll never let you chip away. I'll never let you chip away. Paul, just before we get into the meat and potatoes of this episode today, I do need to mention this very small source reportette, as it were. Good. I hope it is a small report because I had quite a number of emails from last week's episode saying the source report went on for far too long

and isn't as interesting as Eli thinks. Did you really, though? Yeah. Who are these people? I'll pull one up. I'll pull one up. I want to hear this. You do your source

and I'll pull the email up. Well, I've been totally deflated by this. I don't want to now. Who doesn't like source? Who doesn't appreciate source you know, analysis? Go on, give us your source Well apparently, no, you do your

source thing, I'm trying to find the article Paul, I tell you what I'm not going to do I tell you what I'm not going to do is enthusiastically detail some fantastic sources I've been sent just for you to deflate me straight afterwards by reading out some kind of whiny, critical letter

from a cave-dwelling source-hater. Now, what does it say? Come on, just tell me what it says. No, I can't find it. It might have been a tweet. Oh, you can't find it. Oh, you can't find it. Oh, you can't find it. No.

You fucker. Don't fucking undermine me or the source-based content. You're fucking made up. Bot criticisms. Russian bots. For now, the defense stands down. No, the prosecution stands down. Okay. And the defence stands up

The defence is getting a tent on And it's source based Right, hello I was sent this Special source report pot I don't know where the sources came from But thank you It had a little doot doot doot doot

Post-it note, sellotape to the lid of this pot So we know that it's real and these appear to be Paul they're either Malay or Thai but there is one in here and you can see photos of all the sauces featured in Cheap Show on

on the R website this is a fish sauce but it's got little and it's got little lime on and it's got a little window on the sachet, similar to an early crisp packet. And you can see bits of chilli floating around in a very clear, yellow-tinged fish sauce there. That's a very interesting sachet.

Also, look at this, mate. McDonald's fried chicken hot sauce. Don't see that every day, do you? Is it a hot sauce for fried chicken, or is it flavoured like fried chicken hot sauce. Don't see that every day, do you? Is it a hot sauce for fried chicken or is it flavoured like fried chicken hot sauce? I would assume it's hot sauce for fried chicken. I fucking hate this part of the podcast so much. And there is also, look at this bizarre,

now this is a real special one here. It's a hot sauce. It has a quality that these sachets really gets my sauce radar full mast hard on dripping a little bit of clear cum at the top of it beautiful visual image thank you it depicts a bottle of the sauce on the actual um on the sachet oh yeah i like those ones don't? The other weird thing about this one, this chilli sauce one, it has a bottle depicting some chillies, but also, look, it says 7 Fresh.

And what does that remind you of? That logo, the 7. In fact, it's... Like 7-Eleven. It's a copy. It must be a 7-Eleven branded hot sauce. Yeah, so I'm thinking maybe it's a 7-Eleven hot sauce. It's a very interesting item.

You can only get it when you buy something horrible from a hot shelf. A hot shelf? It's not called a hot shelf. It's not called a hot shelf. Get me that pasty fromven hot sauce. It's a very interesting item. You can only get it when you buy something horrible from a hot shelf. A hot shelf? It's not called a hot shelf. It's not called a hot shelf. Get me that pasty from the hot shelf. No, you get it from the hot... It's the hot food closet, isn't it?

Hot food closet. Yeah, I don't know what you call it. The grill cupboard. Yeah. Meaty Margaret's meat cupboard. I don't know. I'm going mad. I'm going to get out.

That would be good. You could have meat cupboards. You could have meaty Margaret's meals. Oh, hello. Why, meaty Margaret? We've got quite the meaty cupboard for you. I'd like something vegetarian. Do you have a vegetarian item, Mrs. Margaret?

Why do you think you should fuck off now while you've still got your legs? For this is a meat market I'm sorry are you threatening me I'm afraid so sir I'm going to have to ask you politely to leave my property before I set the dogs on you

well I think I should reveal to you now Mrs so called meaty Margaret meaty Margaret that's my name. I'm from the Department of Health Food Inspection Service and... Fucking El Jethro, get the guns! Oh my God! We're going to have to shut ourselves down!

The police are at us! Right. Oh my God! Oh my God, I've never seen something so horrible! Jethro, Meaty Margaret's man! What a lovely scene i like those i like those two they're like the uh the west's what fred west yeah i think we should model those characters on the west's no how about we don't specifically model on those characters okay um and the last source uh is a pot sauce this is not so uh i'm a bit pissed off that i finished the source report with this one paul because it's uh

oh dear it's just a frank's red hot pot uh which you get in domino's and now this in reference to last week's source report i tasted the pizza hut ones and they were disgusting and terrible now at least domino's and this is one of the reasons why Domino's is the dominant brand of takeaway pizza in this fair isle of ours, is because they do proper decent sauces like Frank Red Hot. Frank's Red Hot. It's there in a pot. You know, it's not

some Pizza Hut hot. Is it good? Frank's Red Hot is great. Yeah. Have you tasted any of the other sauces? Is this redundant information? All you're doing is telling me you've got pouches of sauce. Yeah, well, I won't be... These are too unique and beautiful. The one with the window, the fish sauce with the floaters,

and the 7-Eleven one, they're too beautiful to be besmirched. But luckily, whoever kindly sent these in did give me two packets of the McDonald's fried chicken hot sauce. So I'll be tasting that. It's quite a nice little haul, that, really. It's pretty good, isn't it? I'm thinking of a way I need to display my burgeoning sauce sachet collection. I'm thinking of like a pin board, because then you can pin the, you know, like a chalkboard.

And then they're all oozing out. They're not oozing out. It's not oozing anywhere. It's very clean. It's actually very hygienic. You put a pin in it, it will come out the hole in the pin, mate. No, I put the pin through the top curtain, the top flap, for want of a better word.

Oh, Meaty Margaret doesn't like you putting a pin in her flap. No, I just had a whole crossover idea when Meaty Margaret and Jeffro meet Madame Plop Plops and Squishy Jim. Versus. Mate.

Mrs. Lady Plops and I'm Meaty Margaret and I'm Jeffro. Hello, Jeffro. I'm Jeffro. Oh, you can't be... Well, you can't be Squishy Jim then. You've ruined it. You've ruined it.

Okay. No, come on. Try again. One more time, guys. In your positions. Nah. I quit the production. Well, you won't be paid.

I've been Hamlet, you know. I've been Hamlet at the Royal Shakespeare Theatre. Listen, you fucking hack. And I shan't play Jethro for your tawdry podcast. Just get your hands in the pile of muck, rub it on your ball sack, and knuckle down, sunshine. Smell my...

Go on, director. Right, that's it we've lost Eli I was going to say smell my meat knuckle but I mean right I'm quitting the production

now Paul I could have been on Heidi High no I want to I want to bring back Meaty Margaret Meaty Margaret and Jethro

but you'll have to play Jethro okay but I've got to develop that character okay now I think I think he's a violent

inbred slaughterhouse manager Meaty Margaret could be a sort of replacement character for Uncle Grumbly couldn't he couldn't she

well maybe she deals in savage death to animals and maybe Stray passes by yes definitely and maybe stray passes by. Yes, definitely.

Definitely stray passes by, make their ways into her pie mix. Yeah, it's a bit all Sweeney Todd-like, isn't it? She's like Rosemary West meets Sweeney Todd. No, that's absolutely fucking horrible. I can't think of anything worse than that. I can. God. I can. God, I can. Right, well, we're 13 minutes in, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast where I, Paul Gannon, and Eli Silverman go to the charity shops, the bargain bins. Well, we can't. No, we don't go there. We just get sent sauces. And we invent characters called Meaty Margaret. Right.

We're in shtook, mate. I know. What are we going to do if The charity shop's never come back. But on this week's episode, we do have long time coming Country Urban Noodle Kitchen, Test Lab Kitchen, with Eli Silverman. Thank you. And we are playing a Gannon's Golden Games,

a holdover from last week's episode where we decided we would play Noel Edmonds's. Are you smarter than a 10-year-old? So today we're going to find out if Eli is smarter than a 10-year-old. What do you think? How do you think I'll do, Paul? What? How do you think I'll do? What's the format? So it's like just general knowledge questions,

and then it tells you what percentage of 10-year-olds got it right, or something like that. Yeah, the gist is you have to answer 10 questions. That's literally it. But what makes it reasonably complicated is that you can either go with your answer or the answer of that of a 10-year-old child. I will

be playing the 10-year-old child in this instance because the board game has to let the other players be, quote-unquote, the children. However, all the questions are questions a 10-year-old should know based on syllabus. The syllabi. Now, Paul, when you play the 10-year-old,

try not to sex it up too much for me, you know what I mean? Don't fucking say that either. Implying that, A, I was going to anyway. B, I thought that was a good idea and not at all sick of the taste. Cut this. Cut this bit. And the bit about the spot. C, the bit about you. What?

You might get confused and it leads you down a dark hole. I just thought, you know, you've got... So to speak. You've got a predisposition to sex up your child characters. No, I don't. Yes, you do. That is absolutely untrue. And if anything, that says more about how you see the characters I play

than how I play them. I'm sorry I said that, okay? And I'd like you to remove it from the podcast and the Spoffy T-shirt. No, well, it's staying in because one day people will look back on this episode and say, yeah, that's where it started. This is it. This is that episode for us. The Meaty Margaret episode.

Do you remember the Meaty Margaret episode? Oh, yeah. It's where Cheap Show fell off. It's flat. It's flaccid. It's stale. It's like this sock. I would say that's true.

That would be true. I can't say that would be true. Oh, well. I would say that that could also be true of episode 20 through to 178. It could. I'm now sniffing some mayonnaise. Yeah, he is.

I can see him on Zoom. And great stuff, mate. Why are you smelling mayo? This show has gone right off the fucking rails. I know. You know what? I don't think we should do an episode this week. I don't know if we're in the right state of mind.

I'm certainly not. I've gone hot frenzied mode here on the bed of pickles. What are you doing, you mad twat? God, what are you doing? I'm trying to do a podcast. You are very trying. I'm trying to do a podcast. I'm ready here.

I'm waiting for you to move it on. Right, well, let's fucking move it on because this intro has been probably our absolute worst in five years. You look so sad on Zoom. I am sad. This salsa has seen better days. I tell you. Stop this recording now.

Now, I don't know about you, Paul, but during lockdown, I've been craving Chinese food. Hard, fast, slip it in me, put it down me.

Put that... Right, I'm checking out. You just do the second all by yourself. You don't need me. And I've done noodles. Yeah, I've done noodles in the past today. Because of the... I know, you have....the conditions. You've covered need me. And I've done noodles. Yeah, done noodles in the past to date.

Because of the conditions. I know, you have. You've covered a wide gamut of noodles. Now, usually on the show, when we cover noodles, we go to the Country Urban Noodle and we'll do it in situ, Paul, and then maybe I'll give you some pimping tips and you get to see some sort of process there. We can't do that because of the situation.

No, of course, Paul. Because of the situation. So, sorry, today we're just going to give you sort of process there. We can't do that because of the situation. Now, of course, Paul. Because of the situation. So, sorry, today we're just going to give you a straightforward noodle review. Two noodles that have been sitting in my noodle library and I took these out and these are just two

noodles that have been sitting around. Do you have like a noodle librarian who looks after all the stock? Like a little wizened old man or lady who knows exactly what noodle is where and what system it's categorised and stored in? A noodle based system or something?

Well, if by little old man or lady you mean an ethereal spirit being who haunts my hair. Oh, you really have fucking taken some fucking comedy badger pills today, haven't you? Comedy badger pills? What are they?

Yeah. Can you snort them? Can you crush them up? It's when people use badger. It's when people use badger as a lazy excuse for being surreal. You know what I mean? What was lazy about a woman who lives in my hair and is an ethereal spirit? Don't try and label me a badger comedian.

Don't call me a... I will. Don't fucking put the badger label on me, mate. Fuck you. I'm sorry, mate. We can't have you perform in this club tonight. We've heard you're a bit of a badger comic. No, no.

Some of our audience don't take it. No, mate, no. I only mention badgers once or twice. It's the punchline to two jokes. Yeah, mate. Well, the current political climate, we don't like a lot of badger talk on stage. It makes our audience a little bit uncomfortable.

We just want to have a good time, mate. What if I've replaced badger with the word hedgehog? Hedgehog? Well, we don't get many hedgehogs around here, sir, so yeah, alright. Alright, thank you. Have you got any races? Yeah, of course I do!

Come on! Right, anyway, do you have a Dewey decimal system for noodles a noodle decimal system perhaps um yes yes i do um it's very unsophisticated compared to the real dewey decimal system i was reading about that do you know about the dewey decimal system it's crazy i know vaguely of it it's crazy so that each decimal place is a subdivision of what it's about. And it can go all the way down to lobster or something. Individual words.

Do you see what I mean? So I want a historical book about lobsters. That will have its own little code. Yeah, and that's how you'll find it. Otherwise, what would you do? You go, we're going to number them all by numbers. You can't do that. It's brilliant.

You can't do it alphabetically. That guy Dewey who invented it was a... In the Scream movies. Was he? He was the one who survived the Ghostface Killers attack on four separate occasions. Is that what it's known as, the Ghostface Killer? The baddie in Scream?

Yeah, Ghostface Killer. That's the name of a rapper. I don't know if the rap name came first or not. Well, when did Scream come out? 96? Well, it's around the same time as the first Wu-Tang album. Oh, there you go, maybe. And also, that mask was already a shop-bought mask you could buy

before it became known in the films as that mask. Oh. Okay. Much like the mask in Halloween, which was famously a mask of Shatner. Yeah. Do you know he used to have a... His name used to be double-barrelled.

William Shatner? He used to be called William Shatner Bucket. Did he? I could see why he changed his name then. Well, it used to be Russian. He changed it, but then he realised the mistake. So originally before then, it was William Shatner Mouth. Well, talking about shitting in a mouth,

that brings us to... That brings me to... The noodle decimal system. No, just one point, Paul, on what we're talking about. You've made so many one points. No, look, this is important, though. Chuck Berry... You're like Columbo of noodles.

Just one more noodley point. You said William Shatner. It used to be called Shatner Bucket. Chuck Berry used to have a middle name. Usher. Chuck Usher Berry. Chuck, really? Yeah.

No, it's not your life. I get it. So, you know, they used to be mates. William shat in a bucket and then Chuck us a berry. He'd pay. We fucking lost it. Chuck would pay William to shit in a bucket with a berry. And then he'd go and he'd wank over the shit bucket because he was into that.

Apparently. Yeah, you've painted a delightful picture. Okay. First noodle up today, Paul. This is a very Chinese noodle. And this is the kind of Chinese food not so popular in the West, but it's becoming much more popular.

This is a Sichuan Yibin burning noodle. Burning noodle. Now, what makes it a burning noodle, Mr. Silverman? Chilli, I believe. Now, Sichuan famously has their own pepper, a numbing pepper. Have you ever had anything with a numbing pepper? We've done

something like that in the past, haven't we? A numbing pepper noodle or something like that. Yeah, we did. There was a... What it was, it was one of those Samyang two times spicy, one of those ones. But it was a, what it was, it was one of those Samyang two times spicy, one of those ones, but it was a sub flavour of that, wasn't it? It was a Samyang spicy chicken ramen numbing pepper one. Well, well remembered, yes.

And that wasn't that. Thank you. Was it numbing? Did you find it really numbing? Not really. No, it's kind of the same kind of numbing you get on one of those condoms that desensitises the penis during sex. That's numbing.

I mean, yeah. And I remember it made my mouth very numb when I tried it. When you tried, was it numb when you were taking a huge cock? Couldn't feel it in your mouth. That was exactly the circumstances that led me to have that condom in my mouth and then make the comparison to the burning noodle that we had a few months ago. Both the Cock Brothers, yeah? Oh, very poor.

Come on, considering even our material, just say, oh, the Cock Brothers wasn't very witty at the end. It was very bad. There's loads of things you could have done instead. Oh, fuck off. Anyway, I was going to say, Sichuan, they have the numbing, but burning is hot. You could have said the whole band Wang Chung. You're really skirting close to it.

Better than Cock Brothers. Fanny Sisters. No, the Cock Brothers are actual brothers, aren't they? Yeah, but you don't pronounce it that, do you? Yes, you do. Cock. You don't. Cock.

Like a liver puddling would say, give me a cock. Cock. Yeah. Right. Szechuan has the numbing pepper. And what they do so successfully in some dishes is the numbing, your mouth gets numbed by the pepper, but there's also chilli there. So the chilli comes around the back of the num.

Once the num starts to go... Comes around the back of the what? The numbing. It broke out of it. Comes around the back of the what numbing it broke out of it comes around the back of the numbing right okay so you get this amazing interplay of uh when the flavors hit your mouth i had some chicken in a in a restaurant uh szechuan chicken in a restaurant called the mayflower in bristol fucking hell it was both an ordeal and an orgasm this food it was like you were numbed you had a hot garlic hits you

and then it's numbing and then the fucking chili's running right around the back of the building. You know, runny, runny, run, run. Comes around the back door. Bashing that back door in. Yeah, he bashes right back in through the back door of your mouth.

Through the back door. This episode's way too sexually charged. And the chili just comes around the back right in it's amazing like no loon i'm hoping that this uh burning noodle has some of that element now this is one of the really easy to make because you just steep it in water then drain the water off, and then... Are you okay? Are you still there? Yeah, I'm still here, but this happens... If you think the image is frozen when we're doing this, it's not.

I've just mentally zoned out. No, your image did freeze. Right, so that's the first one. Burning Noodle. It's made by the same... Oh, I was going to say, yeah, what's the company name? Are they known for these... What are they like as a brand? They tend to have a lot of vermicelli style

noodles, this brand That's the thin ribbony one Very thin, but these for the burning noodle, which I like better are flat noodles, not as big as those big flat noodles, but these are more like a shoelace flat one if you see what I mean

Eli, I was about to ask these are more like a shoelace flat one, if you see what I mean. Eli. Yes. I was about to ask you a really good question about noodles, and then the minute I opened my mouth, it completely vanished. Oh, never mind. So I've been saying this sentence slowly to try and get the thought to come back, but it hasn't. Oh, yeah. No, here it is.

Here it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you did have a noodle decibel system, where would you rank it? How would you rank it? How would you break it down? Well, that's a good point, Paul. You'd have to say the first division being either a soup noodle or stir-fried style. That's the first branching of the tree, isn't it?

Then in those two, they've both got two sub they both they're both branches of that are either steep the noodle in boiled water or you have to boil it so that's a big distinction as well isn't it okay it's got two levels of distinction first whether it's stir-fried or soup-based flavor whether you have to steep the noodles or boil the noodles in water actively. And then after that, you basically got all of the different types and flavours. And I suppose you could break those down into meat.

Seafood. Vegetarian. Vegetarian. Meat, seafood and vegetarian. That's it. And then you get to the sachet level. I'm going to actually develop the eli dewey noodle system you've inspired the eli silvman noodle decimal well watch this space because i've got i'm just

having some initial thoughts but with the sachet number there's an easy economical way to represent every noodle as a as a number as a decimal number paul this is amazing i am number i am not man i am i am idiot right yeah okay so there's that one now paul i don't know if i've we must have had this conversation before but in parts of the world where where noodles are you know more of a staple than they are here they tend to have and especially in japan and korea I've heard about this, they have different levels of noodles for different people's pocket sizes. And by pocket size, I mean how much money

they have. Different budgets. Of course. So you get posh noodles. But it's always been the noodle for those on a budget, not going to say poverty line, but you know families that can't buy fresh and they have to store for a long time. Yes, there's that.

This came in handy. There is that. And that is what they're traditionally known as. And also we know that when poverty goes up, the percentage of instant noodles sold also goes up. So there's all of these things. I wonder how many has gone up during the COVID thing. Do you reckon it's gone up?

Well, a lot. It must have. Because think about in terms of stockpiling as well. Noodles are the ultimate stockpile. They never go off. So people must have been, you know, and they. It must have. Because think about in terms of stockpiling as well. Noodles are the ultimate stockpile. They never go off. So people must have been, you know, and they're extremely cheap generally. But in cultures where there's been noodles for a long time, they do have more posh, expensive noodles, which go around the sort of five to six or seven pound mark. Do you see what I mean?

So they're really posh. And they've got lots of sachets with sort of fresh not fresh but actual wet ingredients in them and stuff so i've got we had one cent didn't we a wet noodle package no that was no that was terrible that's not what i'm talking about oh really that's not what i'm talking about i'm talking about with actual for example i saw one which was like a fancy korean one and it had snails and it was like it's about six pounds yeah so it's going to have literally a little sachet with snail in it, in sauce.

This one I've got is... I've got a great joke about snails. Go on then. This husband, and he's feckless and lazy and he's watching the telly, and his wife comes in and goes, it's our anniversary. I thought you were going to make a special meal tonight. I asked for escargot. And the husband goes, it's our anniversary. I thought you're going to make a special meal tonight. I asked for let's go. Let's go. Go. And the

husband goes, oh, fuck you. Oh, things I fucking promised for a fucking crap blowy. All right. I'll go fucking shop. She goes, all right. You go to the shop. Here's the money. And you go and get the best snails. Right. And he goes, oh,

right. So he's aware that it's snails. He's aware that it's snails. It's not. Yeah, no, he knows. He sounds like a lout, and he goes, Right, so he's aware that it's snails. He's aware that it's snails. It's not... Yeah, he knows. He sounds like a lout, but he knows what escargot is, all right? Okay, that's not the joke then. It's not like escargo-go.

So he's meant to go the posh part of the town and buy the snails there, but he decides instead just to go to the cheap place and grab them. The cheap snail place? Yeah, the cheap snail place. I don't fucking know. Anyway, he buys the snails and then he sees he's got loads of money left

over because he's bought cheap and he goes to the pub and he starts drinking. I'm a fucking wife. It's our anniversary, mate. We fucking all these snails. He's there for hours. Oh, he's there for hours drinking and swearing and anyway, pub closes and he goes, I'm fine. He's Eli Silver hours drinking and swearing. Anyway, pub closes, and he goes, Oh, fow.

He's Eli Silver, apparently. Nice. He walks home, and he's drunk as fuck. The man gets to the door, and he's drunk as fuck, and he can't get his keys out, and he's messing around with the bag. And as he's about to put the key in the door, he drops the bag, and all the snails spill out. Oh, fow.

Anyway, the wife opens the door, fuming, fuming she is. Where have you been all bloody night? I sent you out to get the snails. And in a moment, he looks at her, looks down and then goes, come on snails, hurry up, we're nearly there. Oh, that's terrible.

That's so awful. Thank you, I'm here all week. Did you make that up? I'm here all week. Did you make that up? Now it's time for Eli Silverman, Badger Comic. Here we go. Hello, I've got a badger. Look at his little hair. Look.

Ooh. What's that? What's that? Have you got a house, sir? No, I've got a badger coming out my ear. No, have you? Where's the badger? It's run up my tail.

Where's the badger? Here's the badger. Ooh, is it a whelk? Stop it now. It's frightening. Is there a whel the badger? Here's the badger. Ooh, is it a whelk? Stop it now. It's frightening. Is there a whelk? No, it's a badger. Right.

Next noodle. So, as I was saying, you do get these really posh ones, Paul. And I think this one is one that is a sort of in-between. This is not a cheap noodle by any means. And it has... Ooh. This is an aspirational noodle that I've got here. It's a posh one, that, by the looks of things.

It's Chef Nick's Noodles is the brand. What was that? Chex Mix. What was that? Chef Nick. Chef Mix. Sorry. Not Chef Mix.

Chef Nick's. I know. I heard it now. It's just I thought you said, like, Chef Mix. And I thought that was the same people who made those little crackers. Chex Mix. Yeah, they're nice, aren't they? Chex Mix, yeah.

Right. Chef Nick's Noodles. There he is. You can see he's on the cover ofx Mix. Yeah, they're nice, aren't they? Chex Mix, yeah. Right, Chef Nick's noodles. There he is. You can see he's on the cover of this noodle. Oh, he is. Oh, and it's a very posh package. And he's holding up a whole string of noodles there. And he's got a look on his face like,

look at these noodles, you bitch. Like that. Yeah, you can't have them. Yeah. You can't have them. Like, he's proud, extremely proud of the noodles. But you also, you can also read a lot into that facial expression. And it also looks like he's daring you to mention that he's just let off, basically.

Do you know what I mean? He's daring you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's staring you down. But he will pluck your eyeball out with a pair of chopsticks if you fucking cross him. He's staring you down and going, I know that's the worst guff ever, but you're not going to fucking blame me, are you? Student. So what makes these so special

then? These are three cup sauce and three cup is a traditional Chinese dish and I think it's to do with you get three cups, one cup of ginger, one cup of garlic and one cup of some other ingredient and that's where it goes. Okay, alright.

I think maybe rice wine or something i'm gonna look up i will look up what the three cups are in three cups but it's one of those ones like thank you you know those traditional dishes and i haven't looked oh yeah that's what i'm gonna do paul we're gonna have a little sachet count of these noodles now so i'm gonna go start with chef nick's one trying to open it carefully so we can still get a picture of the cover. Now, one thing I noticed about this Chef Nick that makes it posher, look, they're in a little tray. Oh, very nice.

So they're not inside the plastic. They're in a tray. However, you know, I know it protects the noodle, right? But isn't it just like a bit of a waste of packaging, really, to have it like that? Because you end up just breaking it up anyway and it all unravels and yeah well you know what i mean totally i don't know why they're trying to protect this now you've got a soup sachet here this is a nice one in the chef's nick because look there is a picture of a bear there there's a teddy bear in

a little pot on oh there's a little teddy bear yeah oh he's a little teddy bear is it bear soup oh and it's got one of those little, what are they called? The things you don't eat that take the moisture out of the air. Oh, silica gel. Yeah, they've got that in a noodle. That is the first time I've ever seen that. The three cups. Why is it called three cup chicken?

Because the three cups of sauce is required for each chicken. A cup of each of soy sauce, rice wine, and sesame oil are added. There you go. Thank you. So that sounds good, doesn't it? I had some in Dai Wan Bi, which is one of my favourite restaurants. So which one are you looking forward to most out of those two? Chef Nick's. It looks impressive. It's quite minimalist. It's like saying, look, there's only one sauce sachet, but we don't care.

That's the other thing. How's that going to fit into the noodle decimal system, mate? How's that going to work? It will only have one sauce sachet. I don't know how you're going to fit in non-food sachets, such as the air sucker out of, what's it called? What's it called? Silica gel.

Silica gel, thanks. Yeah. Now, I'm just going to invest... Here's a good tip, ladies and gentlemen. Here's a good life hack. Seriously. Right. Every time you buy something and you get those silica gels,

just keep them, right, in a jar. Keep loads of them in a jar, right? And let's just say you drop your phone in the sink and you pull it out quickly. If you put your phone in that jar stuffed full of silica gel packs, it will help dry the phone out. Isn't that true of a bowl of rice as well or something? Rice as well is another one.

Now, turning back to the Sichuan Yibin burning noodle, it says non-fried on this. Now, this is a big thing. What does that mean? It's not a fried noodle because of the original way but it's not a soup on either no no they mean the actual noodle cake itself because the original way you'd make an instant noodle is you take a normal noodle and you flash fry it in usually in uh palm oil but then people started to have objections to that for health reasons. People don't want a fried noodle as their instant noodle.

They want a noodle that's instant but isn't fried, and this is. So that's one of their selling points. Like you would on a drink, you'd say no added preservatives as a sort of way of saying, this is good. It says non-fried on this. Alright, well then I will hold you back no longer.

I've got to tell you how many sachets are in the fucking this one. Oh, fuck. I thought you'd done that. I haven't done it. Just be concise. I think you should have done it ages ago when you first mentioned it. I'm sitting here bored out of my fucking head while you talk about noodles. There are three. And I'm trying to make an effort with all the Dewey Decimal System idea

to throw some inspiration your way, but honestly, mate, fuck this section! So, the Szechuan burning noodle has three sachets. So it's winning the sachet battle. There's one that's got some kind of vegetable matter in. Looks like in a silver foil packet. It's like astronaut

food or something, Paul. I'm on a rocket to noodle land. It's beyond the sun. All bound for noodle land. And it's got a soup base, normal soup base. And then you've got, look at that sauce. Oh, that looks hot shit. It's hot.

It's got whole sesame seeds in the sauce there. Paul, I'm going to go quickly prepare these and then we'll have a report and review thereon after. Chef Nick's posh noodle and also the burning Sichuan burning mouth and I'll tell you how much my mouth burns.

Alright, excellent. Well, let's just let Eli run away to the country urban... I'm like that fucking guy from Carry On. I'll fucking just make noodles. See you in a bit, everyone. Bye.

Yes, yes. Back with the noodles. I've prepared the noodles, Paul. Exciting. Now, as we said the burning noodle which refers to the sensation in your mouth of burning noodle. Yes. Rather than the noodle

actually being on fire just to be clear about that. I think we've established that. Thank you for the clarification. Now that has three sachets and one of the sachets is this kind of almost dry slightly oily vegetable matter oily yeah slightly oily and it's it is quite a posh noodle actually oh they're both quite posh but

something do you think the oil is there to keep the herbs fresher yes that's right keeps it a little bit fresh um but it's quite fibrous and it's one of those i think the burning noodle is one that would not appeal um unless you kind of like authentic chinese flavors not not you know sweet and sour all of these stuff that we have here this is actually like what they eat in sichuan and it's a it's a strange profile to a western palate it is they can be kind of strange and do you think that maybe people who want to try something different should give it a go if they've done all the rest absolutely yeah absolutely um now the other thing to mention on in the preparation of those noodles the chef nicks which is trying to be all posh was an absolute yeah it was a pleasure to prepare you could really

feel the quality the workman you can feel the workman no you can. You can feel the workman? No, you can't. You can feel the workman who made it, yeah? You can feel their passion coming through the noodle, yeah, Paul. Yeah, yeah. I've often felt my passion coming through my noodle as well. And it was almost a minimalist approach from

Chef Nick, because it's one sachet, just one tray of noodles, the quality, the build quality on the noodles themselves is really impressive. And the sauce... The sauce has got so much aroma, so much huff coming off the Chef Nick's.

You can smell every... You can smell the rice wine, the soy sauce, ah, and it's a bit of ginger. So just to clarify, which one are you tasting first out of the two? Well, I don't want to, because the burning one will ruin it if I go for that one first, because I won't be able to. Right.

So I think it's Chef Nick's. Let's see if he was right to be very arrogantly brandishing those noodles at me from the cover and going, yes. Let's find out. Here we go. A mouthful's taken. Wolf's it right down. It's in.

He's demolished it. He's put a big fork of it in his mouth. Ladies and gentlemen, this is textbook noodle eating. Well, not textbook. You might use chopsticks, actually, on reflection. But it is still good eating. Now, let's go over to Eli now for the report. That's bloody good. What flavour kind of thing is it? Because I missed what the flavour was for the report. That's bloody good.

What flavour kind of thing is it? Because I missed what the flavour was when you started. It's three cups. Remember, you looked it up. So it's three cups. So those three cups are all in that one sachet then? Yes. Three sachets, one cup. Yeah, exactly.

So it's soy, rice wine, and sesame oil. And the rice wine gives it a really deep umami and a slight sweetness umami yeah it's very umami and the way they've built

the sauce it's really clinging to these noodles and you know what I think I underdid the noodles I mean it was all in Chinese the packet so I didn't really know

how long to cook them for but they are slightly al dente where did you get them from from a where did you get them from a supermarket oh

an Asian supermarket. Long Dan in Camden. Long Dan in Camden. I'll say no more on that. Obviously, you've got Chef Nick, but there also is another character lurking around, which is the teddy bear. The teddy bear was on the sauce sash, right?

I think that was more of an affection, though. Also, he appears also in the instructions on the back, so right? I think that was more of an affection, though. No, but also, he appears also in the instructions on the back. So you've got multilingual, pictorial, pictograph ways of how to cook it, which is really good, isn't it? Tandy, yeah. You've got the little bear. The bear is doing this.

The bear's doing that. The bear's doing that. And I didn't know how long to cook it for. So they're slightly undone. Those noodles are extremely good quality. They're very good. They're dense. They're very dense.

Do you know what I mean? And this is really like very close to like a fresh noodle. So out of 10, what would you give it? Eight. So and then based on that eight, what would you give it out of five?

4.5. Enough that 4.5. Is it a noodle or a doodle, Mr. Silverman? It's a noodle. Definitely a noodle. Very nice. It's a noodle.

All right. Well, that's a great score. It's a little bit costly Mr. Silverman? It's a noodle. Definitely a noodle. Very nice. It's a noodle. All right. Well, that's a great score. It's a little bit costly for a cheap show. It's something to eat it with, though. You know, it's quite... By itself, it is just a saucy noodle. You know, a good snack. Chicken?

Chicken is, I think, that's where I had the three-cup. I had three-cup chicken in a restaurant. So that was perfect with a little bit of chicken. A little bit of chicken there, Paul. Chick, chick, chick. Chicken! Chick. Chick, chick, chick, chicken. Chick, chick, chick, chick, chicken. Lay a little egg for me. Moving on to the...

Moving on to the... Now, I didn't mention the company or brand. This also has a cartoon character, like a little ninja. It's like a little superhero, in fact. Noodle superhero with a cap with chopsticks, it looks like. Anyway, the artwork's quite interesting on this one. Again, it has... If you want to see the picture, you can go online to thecheapshow.co.uk

and see pictures that accompany this episode. Yes, you certainly can. This was actually by a company called... And they make a lot. Baiai. B-A-I-J-I-A. Baiai. Baiai. Yeah, that's them. And they do, like I say, a lot of vermicelli ones,

but they're very into, like, multiple sachets and really getting a lot of... And this has got... Okay. Here we go. He's going for the burning noodle now, so let's see how that goes down. It's got a real...

A very... He's eating it. It's got a lot of aroma. Mixing around the flavours. Oh. Oh. He's got a real... He's eating it. It's got a lot of aroma. Mixing around the flavours. Oh. Oh. He's got a real... Eli's face.

Oh. Mmm. It's good. It's got a real mouth effect. A whole sweet... Or... If you'll let me say trance here, Paul,

I will say it. Oh, fucking hell. I've unleashed a trance of mouth effects from this instant noodle. You know that sentence means nothing, right? A tranche of mouth effects means almost nothing? Almost, but the little bit it does mean is very important to some listeners of this podcast, Paul, okay?

So let's just tone down the fucking chewed, yeah? Okay? My segment, my rules. Mate, I'm not getting static from you over this all right i'm just going to tune out man now real there's a lot going on flavor wise with this does the numbing thing improve the flavor you do definitely there's a successful formula there's a numbingness and then like i said the heat comes through through the numb and it gives it an extra back door it gives it an extra flavor It gives it an extra flavour dimension.

It's really nice. And I think that stuff, the dry vegetable matter that I mentioned, is like seaweed. I believe it's a kind of seaweed. So there's an umami coming off of that. It's very dry. There's no sweetness to this. There's a lot of flavour though. There's a lot of flavour from the chilli and the pepper.

Really nice noodle. Well, there you go. So, what would you rate that then in terms of like you know an a plus it's a bit much it's a bit much because you eat the whole thing it's a bit much it will really start to overwhelm you so it's definitely not an everyday sort of noodle experience for me just just a little reference for you paul these noodles in the in the burning noodle one very much like those ones that you like the chili oil ones oh but but they're just about half as narrow basically oh okay well that's all right like a like a uh linguine basically it's a linguine size I don't mind the girth yeah a good girth very tasty noodle but like I say you wouldn't want to do it every day because

it's like it's quite an experience I'm getting a a lot of chilli sweats and my mouth actually feels numb and it's nice. Is it also something you'd have with a meat or some vegetables? That's what I mean. No, I don't think so. I think this is much more a noodle that you just have by itself

because the flavour is so strong and the chilli is so strong and the sesame, there's whole sesame seeds and sesame oil in that obviously as well. Would just overpower anything. So you'd have it by itself. You'd have it by itself.

So I'd give that. I wouldn't give that as high a score. I'd give it 6. 6.5 out of 10. So that's about a what? That's about a C plus? A 2.75, I think, out of 5. It's a 2.1, and it's about C plus, and it's about C plus and a 3.5

and a 6.5. Oh, shut up. Shut up. It's a top noodle pick today. Is it? I don't know. I don't care. I don't care.

I definitely, just in a final word, I definitely see what Chef Nick's up to with his other flavours. Definitely. That's quality. That's one of the closest

facsimiles of an actual fresh restaurant noodle that I've seen in instant form. So he was right to hold his chopstick aloft, brandishing them mightily. And they are, yes, and they are definitely the strongest thing about that. They're very good noodles. Ooh,

Chef Nick, you've done me proud. Alright, well there you go, at the end of that interesting Eli Noodle section of the show, we've discovered that sometimes top brands can pave the way for mouth excitement. Num Food gives you a treat in the back door. What else? What else, Paul? Undermine it.

Undermine the fucking seriousness of me. No, it's just... No, go on. Do you want me to finish what? What do you want me to finish with? Gaping? Something gaping. Oh.

I was going to say the noodle decimal system. I thought that was a gift. Yeah. But now, on reflection, I hope... Why don't you stick it all up your arse? Stick all that noodle, numbing, hot, burning noodle right up your delicate chocolate starfish.

Fucking rate it out of ten then. It's more like a flesh starfish because I wipe properly. Well, what an interesting note to end this segment on then, eh? All right, let's end it. Right, great, bye. Well, it's time,

it's that time of the time of the show time. Shall I do it? Shall I do it? Yeah, go on. You know you want to anyway. You're only going to ruin my intro, so just do it. Just do it. Yeah, go on. You know you want to anyway. You're only going to ruin my intro, so just do it.

Just do it. Dear Cheap Show listeners, thanks for sticking with us so far this episode. There's been ups. There's been downs. There's been round the backs. But you've... No, I'm all right, mate.

I'll carry on for me. You're taking way too long with your fannying. No, come on. I was really getting something there. All right, go on. All right, go on. I'll let you... Sorry.

Lovely, lovely cheap show listeners. Lovely, lovely cheap show listener. Hello. You liking it so far? Thought you would. Do you know what it's time for now? It's time for something really nice. It's a real favourite round here.

That's right. It's a real favourite round here. That's right. It's time for... Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold!

Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold!

Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold!

Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold!

Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold!

Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold!

Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold!

Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold! Gannis Gold! Yeah, good. Now, if you're new to the podcast Sky's Gold Games. Sky's Gold Games. Sky's Gold Games. Sky's Gold Games. Yeah, good. Now, if you're new to the podcast and you just heard that, thanks for staying on for that rites of passage moment, I think, in Cheap Show Law,

putting up with Eli's fucking barking. Sky's Gold Games. Sky's Gold Games. Right. So on this week's episode, on this week's segment of Ganon's Golden Games, Sky's Gold Games. That's gold, guys. The problem is, dear listener, is that because we're doing this remotely,

I can't threaten him with violence if he keeps on doing that. So I am kind of at a loss. Are you going to stop? Gannon's Golden Games. Gannon's Golden Games. That sounds like one of Eli's typical piss whispers. Right, excellent. Gannon's Golden Games.

Shut up. I was waiting for that. I was waiting for that. Today. I was waiting for it. Today. Right, excellent. Let's go, guys. Shut up. I was waiting for that. I was waiting for that. Today. I was waiting for it. Today. Yeah, what are we playing today? Today. Paul on Gannon's Golden Games today.

What are we playing on Gannon's Golden Games today? Well, once again, we are diving back into TV land to be inspired by a TV show that became a board game. And this board game is called how... No. It's called Are You Smarter Than a Ten smarter than a 10 year old and it stole what stars why is my mouth working eli why is why is it working why doesn't it work why my mouth because you're my mouth because you need to be more conscious of trying to connect your thoughts

to your actual speech center okay i'll tell you what slow down i'm gonna reboot slow down i'm gonna reboot my brain i'm'm going to reboot it. Turn it off and on again. Hang on. Reboot. CheapShirt. Document file. Download.

Character. Eli Silverman. Hello. I'm Eli Silverman. Fuck off. And I'm hosting CheapShirt. Guys, Eli Silverman. Fuck off. And I'm hosting Cheap Show. Ruff, ruff, ruff. Go, go, go.

Go, go, go. That's right. Go, go, go. That's right. Go, go, go. Go, go, go. Go, go, go. Go, go, go.

Go, go, go. Fucking madness. Go, go, go. Week by week, this descends into utter fucking claptrappery. What are we doing? We are... How to beat up a 10-year-old. Yeah, we're playing How to Beat Up a 10-Year-Old.

It's based on a TV show that starred Noel Edmonds. Now, Paul, Paul, Paul, I think wasn't this a format that Edmonds helmed in this country? I believe so. There was an American version, just like Deal or No Deal had an American version. But I think this start, in this instance, I think it was started in the States, didn't it?

Before Noel got his grubby little mitts on it. I'm about to find out because wasn't Deal or No Deal originally a British show that became an American show? Yes, I believe so. I think it was, Noel was actually behind the actual design of it because Deal or No Deal linked in with his whole sort of ask the universe for a million quid. Yeah, that cult mentality

he so adored. He was behind developing it, I believe. But I think Are You Smarter Than a Ten-Year-Old was just something he was asked to helm. Yeah, it is based on the American show Are You Smarter Than a Fifth-Grader. Okay, there you go. It was on Sky Channel from 2007 to 2010.

There are two editions, one that was hosted by Noel Edmonds, that was Daily, and then later by Dick and Dom. Oh, yeah. They did the late night one, the sexy one, yeah? The show welcomes adult contestants who attempt to answer 10 questions plus a final bonus question taken from primary school textbooks. Two from each school year ages six to seven. Each correct answer increases the amount of money

and you can win up to a quarter of a million or half a million in season three. Nice. So that's what we're going to play today. So yeah, I've slightly simplified this version of the game because in the TV show there were many kids that you could pick and choose from that had an element of risk to the game.

So you might pick a kid who ends up being no good at the subject at hand. You know, that kind of thing. And what, do you get to look at them before you pick them? Yeah, basically you choose around. That's a bit weird, isn't it? All sorts of weird biases and judgments could come in, depending on which kid you picked for the science question. Would you go, like,

you get the one with specs and ask him the maths and science ones? And, like, you know what I mean? They're one of the horses. You ask the girl about horses or something. It's terrible. So the way this version's got off the game is going to work.

Do I get to pick a child? You know it's going to be... You make it sound creepy. It's twice you've done that now. It's weird. Well, the show is called How to Fucking Get the Best of a Ten-Year-Old, isn't it? It's not called How to Get the Best of a Ten-Year-Old.

That's even more filthy. I'll have that one. I'll get the best out of him. No. What's going to happen is, Eli, we'll be playing for the 100 grand. You'll be answering 10 questions. I'll be playing the children because what's going to happen is Eli will be playing for the 100 grand. You'll be answering 10 questions. I will be playing the children because what's going to happen is when you get a question, right,

you can answer it and get it over and done with as a quiz would usually do. Right. But if you're not sure, you can either peek. You've got a card that says peek. I can see the peek. That's nice lamination. The answer. Yeah.

What happens if I peak? I'm going to write what I think the answer is down as well because I don't know the questions come in code and you have to use this decoder to read the answers nice bit of kit so you slide the card in what do you think of this as a board game

in terms of it's build and the accessories it does the format of the show reasonably well In terms of its build and the accessories and stuff. Yeah, it does the format of the show reasonably well. You get these boards like this to place your pieces on and move around the board when you get more money. Nice. Well, that board here is the questions. Because basically, you've got 10 questions in 10 categories.

Yes. 10-year-old, 9-year-old, 8-year-old, 7-year-old, 6-year-old. questions because basically you've got 10 questions in 10 categories yes 10 year old nine year old eight year old seven year old six year old so if you don't know if you don't know science you might want to go with a six year old with the science questions easier and topics you might want to go with the 10 you see what i'm getting at now yeah i see so but once you've asked a 10 year old that's crossed out so that's gone so you have 10 questions and 10 different children to ask potentially. Okay, sure. Different age, different age children.

Yeah. Yeah. And that will dictate the difficulty of the question potentially. So I will ask the question. And because I don't know the answer, I can play as well. And I will play the kid. So you can maybe lean on if you need to. Right.

However, at the start of the question, once you read it out, you have some options. One is peak. Yeah. What happens? It means you can look at my answer, right, and then decide to either go with it or not. Okay? Yeah.

And depending on what you do depends on if you move up the board or not. Right? Okay. Or you can do copy, right? And copy means you look at my answer, but you have to go with my answer. I have to copy it. If I'm wrong, you're fucked. with my answer. I have to copy it. If I'm wrong, you're fucked. Yeah, okay.

I have to copy it. And then you have save, which is the only, it's a one-off, it's a one-life token. So if you get it wrong, you can say save, and then you move on. You don't move up, but you don't lose. You just missed that turn. Yeah, okay. All right, I've got a piece of paper, pen and paper ready, Paul.

So let's find out. Eli Silverman, are you smarter than a 10-year-old? Welcome to Are You Smarter Than a 10-Year-Old? It's a brand new term, and this time we're putting celebrities to the test. Um, what's grammar? Ha, ha, ha! I don't like anything up there.

Goodbye. Goodbye. Where's Scott? Oh! Now, I've lost all my confidence in a little bit of where you've come out. You are right. And there's a brand new class to help them. We see their happy, smiling faces everywhere, but question,

are today's celebrities smarter than a ten-year-old? APPLAUSE Right, Mr Silverman, you have ten questions. Right, the categories are... Well, actually, there's a load. English, maths, music, history, geography, animal science, literary, vocabulary. There's loads, but you don't get to choose.

You just get to tell me what age range you like and then I'll pull a question from then. So it's up to you whether you want to go with the harder ones first or whatever as we go down the list. Sure. I think I'll get harder later. Yeah? Shall we develop that gag further? No, no, just

no, no, let's not. Just no, okay? One last question, Mr. Silverman, before we get started. What do you want to be? Do you want to be an apple? Do you want to be a globe? Do you want to be a stack of books? Or do you want to be a pencil?

They're your character pieces. I'd like to be an apple, please. As in apple polisher. Apple polisher. Very good. Very 1940s, isn't it? It is indeed. Right, Mr. Silverman.

Yeah. What age range would you like for your first question? 250 pounds. You've got a 10-year-old, 9-year-old, 8-year-old, 7-year-old, 6-year-old. You've got 10 of them. Okay, and are we going by the assumption that the younger they are, the less use or less complex their

understanding is going to be? Is that right? I mean, we're guessing that the younger they are, the easier the question is going to be, yes. But as you get... But once you've asked a 10-year-old or a 6-year-old, that's it. You can only ask a 6-year-old twice, 7-year-old twice, 8-year-old twice, 9-year-old twice, 10-year-old twice. So you've got 10 questions. Okay.

Why don't I start with a 10-year-old then? Because let's get the hard ones out of the way. You know what? When you say sentences like that, you need to be careful of how I edit this podcast. I know. Well, let's just, you know, come on. We can get through this, out of the way. You know what? When you say sentences like that, you need to be careful of how I edit this podcast. I know. Well, let's just, you know, come on. We can get through this, okay? Alright, here we go. Completely ending the podcast.

Right, it's a maths question. I'm pulling them out randomly. So, maths. Here's the question. Yes. Okay. What are the total number factors of 12? Factors of 12? Yeah. So you can have 1 times 12.

That's 1. 2 times 6. I've written my answer down. So are you confident that you know? Or do you want to peek at my answer? Copy my answer? What do you want to do? I don't want to peek at your answer.

You could have a little peek at my script. You're shit at maths. You don't even understand what this question means. I do have a little peek at my script. You're shit at maths. You don't even understand what this question means. I do, actually, but go on. Do you? Yeah. Come on, Mr. Silverman. Come on.

It's... Come on. A ten-year-old knows this. Okay. I'm just going to... I've got my answer written. All right. Do you want to go with it, or do you want to peek or copy mine?

I'll go with it. I'm going to go with it. You're want to peek or copy mine? I'll go with it, I'm going to go with it You're going to go with yours? Yeah Alright, in that case what do you think the answer is, Mr Silverman? I think there's three ways you can three factors, twelve

Alright, the answer is six Fuck I didn't get six right though so there you go, we're both fucking dumb as shit. What did you get? What did you say? What did you say?

I wrote one. There's not, there's more than one mate. I know that now. I thought it was a trick question. What is, the factors, you don't know what the factors are either. No. I'm not sure what the factors are. And you don't know, so do you want to play your one and only save card or do you want

to end this 15 minutes in? I'm gonna, I have to because I, bloody hell, this isn't going well, is it? No. You've played your save card. Oh, that's troubling. Right, but I got rid of one of my 10-year-olds as well, didn't I? No, because you have to have 10 questions. It means you can pick again.

It's only when you get the question right that that's all cancelled out. Okay. So what would you like to go with another 10-year-old then? Yes, please. Hopefully I won't get maths This is English Alright Right

Okay Describing an animal or thing with human qualities is called what? Describing an animal with human qualities is called what? I know this but I don't know if I can spell it Right I've written my answer down I'm a ten year old I'm little Bobby from Eastway. It's a

primary school. And oh, I'm a good boy. I like fishing. I like walking the dog. And I like shopping. Petey Margaret's Farm. She got a shop there as well, does she? Oh, come here, my little boy, you tasty little thing. I'll show you around the farm and

make you succulent. Oh, yes, we will. Geoffroy's going to make an appearance, mate, at some point. Right. I you tasty little thing. I'll show you around the farm and make you succulent. Oh, yes, we will. Geoffro's going to make an appearance, mate, at some point. Right. I'm just telling you. So, do you want to answer or do you want to sneak or copy? I will answer that one, Paul. I'm pretty confident.

All right. Okay. What do you think the answer is? Anthropomorphising. Let's have a look. Anthropomorphisation. Is correct. So, there you go.

Eli Silverman, you've won £250. Yeah. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- Oh, I strike it lucky. Right, next question. What age group do you want to go for? Let's go for eight-year-old. All right. It's an eight-year-old and it's a history question. I'm not good on British history. And math.

What do Americans have instead of a prime minister? Fuck's sake. That's not history. I know, but what do you want, mate? I'm writing the answer down now. I'll play it. Right. I've written my answer down. I'm Little Tarquin from Upper Boy School, Middlesex.

Mmm. Yeah. I like candy and football and murdering prostitutes in alleyways. I'ma wait till you get to Eton then you'll be up a boy. Wow, we're just hitting all the fucking... We're just hitting all the Thai bars today.

Right. What's the answer? President. Is correct. You go up to £500, Mr Silverman. And that's an eight-year-old crossed off. Okay. Yeah.

So, next. What do you want to do next? What age group? I don't understand how I'm going to use these strategically. I don't... Which ones do I want to get rid of first? Which... Do you know what I mean?

I don't understand, Paul. All right. So, what do you want to do? What year group do you want to go with now? I don't know. I don't know who I am. Who am I? What's my relationship to these children?

You have no relationships with these children at all. Right. Why are they trying to help me then? You do have to pick from the age group. That's what it is asking you to do before you get a topic. All right. I said, I said, I told you. All right.

I would like the answer of a seven-year-old, please. And it's music. Okay. Feeling confident. Where's my magic flap? Here it is. Putting it in. Right. Feeling confident. Where's my magic flap? Here it is. Putting it in.

Right, this is a music question. Beethoven stopped composing music when he lost his hearing. True or false? False. You just want to go in the head straight away with that, do you? It's false. The answer is... False.

Oh, that's another one, yeah. £1,000, Mr Silverman. Doing all right here.. I'm doing alright. I'm feeling good, feeling confident. I just need to answer some more questions and then I'll be up. Seven more questions to go. Okay, here we go. Hit me. What age group do you want? You've got one ten, two nines, one eight, two sevens, one six. It just feels weird when you say what age group do you want like that.

Do you want a seven year old or a ten year old? No, no, no! Do you want a six yearyear-old or a ten-year-old? No, no, no. Do you want a six-year-old? Ten-year-old. A fine choice, sir. No. No, shut up. Like, English question again.

I'm an English... I've got a degree in English. I'll have you know. This'll be a breeze. You should get this one. Who wrote A Midsummer Night's Dream? Billy Boy Shakespeare. It was Billy Boy Shakespeare. Old Billy Dream. Billy Boy Shakespeare. It was Billy Boy Shakespeare.

Old Billy. Old Billy Boy Shakespeare. We'll just move straight on to that. You're correct. It's £2,500. And I'll cross off the ten-year-old. Billy Boy. I'm Billy Boy.

I'm Billy Boy Shakespeare. Hello. I write a lot. I'm Billy Boy. I write it. I write it down. This is probably the most disturbing episode in a while, to be honest. It's weirdly sexual and inappropriate and weird.

I don't know, it's weird. I blame it on the heat because this fucking room is scorching hot right now. I've got rinds on my neck. What age group do you want next? You can't use ten-year-olds anymore. You've used both ten-year-olds. Eight. Eight. Give me an eight-year-old,. You've used both 10-year-olds. Eight. They're spent.

Eight. Give me an eight-year-old, please. Oh, this is animal science. Okay. All right, which one of the following animals is not, not extinct? Okay. Platypus, woolly mammoth, dodo bird. The platypus is not extinct.

Yeah, it is. That's a pretty easy one, that. I believe it's quite endangered. You've earned £5,000, Mr. Silverman. You're halfway there to the quarter of a million bonus. Okay, good. Keep them coming. So you can't use an eight-year-old anymore.

You've used both your ten-year-olds. And my eight-year-olds, yeah. And there's one seven-year-old left or something. No, you've got two seven-year-olds and a six-year-old. Okay. This is the weirdest fucking conversation you can have playing this game. Right, come on. What do you want?

Six-year-old. Art for a six-year-old. Okay. Art question. Murals are painted on walls. True or false? It's true, Paul. It is.

It's true. It's a true. It's an answer. You don't need your kids. You don't need little Timmy boy to help you. You know what you're doing. I do. £10,000. You've now got Mr. Silver answer. You don't need your kids, you don't need little Timmy boy to help you. You know what you're doing. I do. £10,000, you've now got Mr Silverman.

You're doing very well, very well. Okay. But you're not allowed to use a six-year-old anymore. Both the six-year-olds are gone. You have two seven-year-olds and two nine-year-olds who are eager to help you out. Okay. What age group would you like now? You've got four questions left, four children left.

Nine. It's another history card. Okay. I'm sliding it in. What is the name of Britain's only female prime minister? Fuck you. No. Just want to say Margaret Thatcher, we can get on.

I mean, to be fair, this is now wrong. Yeah, it's wrong. It's wrong, isn't it? Because we had that wraith figure who was in charge for a bit. Theresa May, yeah. Theresa May? She may not. I'm going to get a million quid here.

Yeah, you're doing all right, aren't you? It's easy. You've got one nine-year-old left and two seven-year-olds. What do you want to do? I'll go for a seven-year-old. Yeah, wise choice, sir. Wise choice. They're a five this time of year.

Can we stop, please? Let's stop this. I'm just going to win. It's a geography question, Mr. Silverman. Okay. Seven-year-old geography, here we go. Okay. Brazil and Peru are on what continent?

I'll go for answering that, please, Paul. You're on £15,000. The next one will get you £25,000. I'm just going to write my answer down first. Hang on. Because I000. The next one will get you £25,000. And are you... I'm just going to write my answer down first. Hang on. Because I think I know this one. All right, cool.

What say you? Or do you want to use peek or copy? Are you sure? Are you sure, Mr. Silverman? Peek or copy? Peek or copy? I'd like to peek, please. All right, so I'm going to peek.

You're going to peek at my answer, right? Okay. I'll write it out again so you can see it because I scrawled it. Let me do it again. Get your answer out. I want a peek at it. How much is it for a peek? Hello, Mr. Silverman. I heard you wanted to have a peek at what I have. So, come over here. I'm going to let you see what I've got. Come here. Look closer. I don't want to come over there. All right, thank you, Timmy. So he revealed the answer, South America.

South America. But is Eli going to go with that, or is he going to choose his own answer? Let's find out. I'm going with it. You're going to go with it? Yeah. All right, the answer is South America. You are correct.

Great. That's £25,000. Right. You've got two more questions left, Mr Silverman. You've got one nine-year-old and one seven-year-old at your disposal. Which one would you like? Let's go for the nine-year-old, please. Oh, it's a science question.

If our planet rotated faster, would each day be longer or shorter? Give me your answer. I'm going to write it down now. Right. So are you confident with your answer or do you want to copy, which is your last saving grace, copy mine? Which means you have to take the answer that I show you. I'm confident with my answer. This is for £50,000, Mr Silverman. The days would be shorter. Let's have a look with my answer. This is for £50,000, Mr Silverman. The days would be shorter. Let's have a look at the answer.

It is shorter. Eli is on. He's got £50,000. Round of applause, please. Nine-year-old, that's it. So all you're left with now is a seven-year-old boy called Andy. Hello, Andy. Hello, Mr Silverman. Hello, Andy. Hello, Mr Silverman.

Hello, Andy. My name is Andy. Oh, no, I know Andy. I know your father. I collect Pokemon. I collect... Andy, Andy, Andy. I collect ball cards.

And I also sleep in an attic with my conjoined twin, Flap Flap. Andy, if you could just cover Flap Flap. Andy, if you could just cover Flap Flap's ears for a minute. I'll cover him up. He won't hear this. Andy, did you get that thing that we

talked about? At this point in the podcast, Paul Gannon has a dilemma. Does he subvert this and go somewhere surreal or odd? Or does he do what is more likely and turn this into a troubling content podcast? I've got a surefire way out. Go on.

It's been in front of us the whole time. Just do a badger joke. Do a badger joke. Go badger comedian. So I'll give you the question again. All right. Andy. Andy.

Yes, Mr. Silverman? Yes. Make sure that your conjoined twins' ears are covered. So I'll give you the question again. All right. Andy. Andy. Yes, Mr. Silverman? Yes? Have you... Make sure that your conjoined twin's ears are covered. I covered them with a pillow. Make sure he's got... He can breathe. Oh.

I've created a problem. Now, I think I've got five more minutes to live. Why won't he wake up? Why won't he wake up? Andy, did you get my drugs? Flap, flap. Addy, before I call the ambulance, did you get me my thing? I got you the badger, yeah.

It's in the post. Yay. Nah, right. Nah. No. Just cut it. Cut it. Right, so here's the final question.

It has to be a seven-year-old. I'm about to win a million quid. You're about to win. I'm about to win. I'm about to win. You're about to win 100,000. And if you get there, then you can win a quarter of a mil with the bonus question. All right. All right.

It's seven-year-old. And the topic is animal science. Animal science? And here's the question. Isn't that biology? It just says animal science. I don't know what else that refers to. Okay.

What is it called when animals sleep for months during the winter? Well, Mr. Silverman, do you know the answer? Yes, I do. In that case, Andy, you can now die. Flap, flap! Good.

My baby! He only wanted to be on the TV and now he's dead. What a tragic story. I'm going to have to go round there and pretend I'm mourning and get my stash of drugs. And your badger.

Right, what is the answer? Hibernation. What? Did you give us... Yes. You've won £100,000. Yay! Yay!

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da I didn't read the rules for the jackpot question, so I'm going to do it now because I didn't think you'd get this far. I thought you'd have been humiliated, but these questions were a lot easier than I expected. I don't know if it's the board game edition means they're easier to make everyone have a fair shake at it, but either way. It's terrible. They're too easy. If you successfully answer all ten primary school questions, you can try for a quarter of a million jackpot. Select the top card from the £250,000 card pile and insert it in. Read the question aloud and give your answer. You cannot get help from any other player. If you're right, you win.

If you're wrong, you're out. Simple enough. All right. Okay. I'm ready. I'll ripple through them and you can just say stop and I'll take that card because there's no age group. It's just...

What do I have to do? What do I have to do? Answer this one last question. There's no age... One last question because there's no age group. It's just... What do I have to do? What do I have to do? Answer this one last question. There's no age... One last question. There's no age group. You can't ask for help. It's just you and this question. For a quarter of a million, I'm going to riffle through the pack and you say stop and I'll take the top

card when you say. Here we go. Here we go. Stop. Top card. This is exciting. Good luck, Mr. Silverman. Good luck, Mr. Silverman. Thank you. Good luck, Mr. Silverman. Good luck, Mr. Silverman. Oh, this is exciting. Good luck, Mr Silverman. Good luck, Mr Silverman. Thank you. Good luck, Mr Silverman. Good luck, Mr Silverman.

Thanks, kids. Right, here we go. Thank you, Charlie. For a quarter of a million, here is your $250,000 pound question. It's going to be so easy. Here's the final question, Mr Silverman. What is dendrology the study of? I'm going to have to guess, Paul.

I know it's all on the line, but I think it's the study of hair. You say hair for £250. No, not £250. £250,000. The answer is trees. You've failed

at the final hurdle. It was trees, Mr Silverman. I'm so sorry, but you are going home with £100,000 and all these dead children. That's right. They come in a nice big bag that you can take home

or maybe drop off at Meaty Margaret's farm. I'll take them off your hands. Well, can I get cash for them, Meaty Margaret? She's not even called Margaret, is she, probably? Don't you ask any more questions, young sir, or you might find yourself in a bap. Oh, wow. Who's this bloke who seems to be barrelling into the studio? I'm Jeffro.

I'm Jeffro. I'm Geoffro! What do I want? Margaret, do you want me to kill him? I'll kill him. I'm Geoffro! No, Geoffro, calm down, my love. Calm down, my love. This young gentleman here, Mr Silverman,

has brought us a big bag of dead children for our farm. Oh, I'll get the oven on. You do that. And let's now close the curtain on this and say goodbye to all the boys and girls who wrapped this show up as I take Eli into my pantry and show

him a few pies he'll never taste again. I'll say that one again. Let me take Eli into my lovely pantry kitchen and give him a very special cake indeed. That's not funny either. Crack, next one. Come on, come on Paul, think, think, think. Why don't you come

into my country? No, a pie. A meat pie. Beef curtains. And have some nice baby pie. God, no. Just, just, this section's over. Thank you. Let's wrap the show up. No, Jeffro. No, Jeffro. Alright. And once again, the curtains of Cheap Show close,

and it's time for Beddybos. We hope you've enjoyed yourself this week. Have you had fun, Mr Silverman? I did have fun, but mainly in the noodle bit. Yeah, you had lots of noodles today, and you won an imaginary £100,000 beating off small children. I didn't beat them off, though. They helped me. Oh, God. Anyway, that beating off small children. I didn't beat them off, though. They helped me. Oh, God.

Anyway, that was today's show. We hope you enjoyed it. If you have any thoughts or comments at all, or you want to get in touch with our tells from the shop floors and things like that, email us, thecheapshow at gmail.com. We're on Facebook, Tumblr, Instagram. You can find it all by looking for Cheap Show. The website, www.thecheapshow.co.uk,

is where you can go as a one-stop shop for all your Cheap Show needs. Every episode listed with pictures and videos. We have links to Event's Cheap Show magazine page to buy all the 10 amazing issues of that. Tony's art on Redbubble can be put on any merch you like. The ongoing 2020 Cheap Show Awards, you can now vote for round two. That's on the front page of our website as well, and all sorts of goodies. So you can go there as your one-stop shop and get all the merch or voting or magazines and cheap show joy you need. Exciting, isn't it? Grubble.

Right, bit of admin to wrap the show up. That wasn't that admin. That was all admin. This is different admin. This is addendum admin. Admindendum. Admin addendum. Admin addendum.

Admin addendum. Give me an admin addendum. Here's the admin addendum. So, after a year of hard work, we are finally putting together our winky special. And it will be our birthday episode, basically. Big winky news. So, on the 5th...

Big winky news. On the 5th of June 2020 we will be doing a very very very special episode of Cheap Show which is all about Winky. The whole history. There's a lot of Winky stuff that you've amassed Paul and well done to you.

You've really deep dug into the deep dive on the Winky hole. We have. We've dug deep into Winky and we have got some truly cool stuff to show you. Oh, you know what? You know what, Paul? What? Just digging deep

into Winky's just made me think about that picture of that woman who got that thing out of that horse's dick. I don't know what that means. That's a different conversation I think you've had with someone else. It's terrible. Anyway, be quiet.

All right. So yeah, if you want to know the whole history of Winky, boy, have we got an episode for you. We've got interviews, new material,

new revelations, amazing stuff. And we've got a few fun surprises as well. So that is our 5th of June. It's our birthday episode. On the 6th of June, if you enjoyed our soililed Variety performance on Twitch

on Saturday night, the 6th of June 9 o'clock, we will be doing our birthday cheap show Twitch stream thing. Same format, me and Eli, and videos. Come and join us. Last time it was a laugh. It certainly was. Apparently. Yeah. If you want to see me

frottaging inflatables as well. Two quick things and then we'll shut up. Your Envision, I want to do properly because I'm focusing on Winky, I'm going to push Your Envision to July. All you need to know about Your Envision is email me your entries. I won't reply to your emails because I'm busy.

But thank you and we'll name you all in kind on the episode. We're going to have guest judges it's going to be a star studded show just like Eurovision but cheap

nice and the deadline for that will probably be mid June people have been asking me about that but basically mid June

and then we'll do the episode very early July and I think that's it the awards are ongoing the second round is open so you can now vote on your favourite cheap show moments

again you can go via the website or also follow at Project Cheapskate, CheapSK8. And that's it. It's four minutes of admin. Now we're done. Admin's done. Good. I mean, what? Now I say what? Now what do I

do? I don't know. You need to find something that ends on a laugh, you know, a bit upbeat, a bit cheery. Music comes in, everyone goes home smiling, think they had a really good episode. That kind of feeling. So if you know, a bit upbeat, a bit cheery. Music comes in, everyone goes home smiling, think they had a really good episode. That kind of feeling. So if you've got anything like that we can end an episode on right now, that'd be really good.

No. Don't have it. Sorry. Oh, stay tuned after the episode where I prove once and for all that Eli had spunky T-shirts in his bedroom. No! There you go. There you go. Goodbye, everyone. Stay tuned after the jingle and you proved once and for all that Eli had spunky T-shirts in his bedroom. No, no. There you go. There you go.

Goodbye, everyone. Stay tuned after the jingle. Oh, Dan, you'll hear the truth. Fuck off. Bye. Okay. Right, shall we get going, then? Paul, I opened that sauce pot that someone sent me.

Yeah. Well... We can mention it briefly, all right? Yeah, mention it briefly! All right. Have you tested everything? Have you put a thing over your mic? No.

It's happening, though. Good boy. I'm close to that point. Oh, that is literally covered in spunk. So... No! It's happening, though. Good boy. I'm very close to that point. I'm close to that point. Very close. Oh, that is literally covered in spunk. So... Great. Right.

Hang on. Hang on. Sorry. It's a bit fucking messy in here. Here we go. This is spunk three. Right, let's do a quick test. Testing 123.

123. Testing 123. That'll do. Oh, that's a bit messy. That's a bit messy. That's a bit messy. That's a bit messy. That's a bit messy. That's a Right, let's do a quick test. Testing 1, 2, 3. 1, 2, 3. Testing 1, 2, 3.