CheapShow - Ep 182: Eli's Mandate

Episode Date: June 12, 2020

Paul is spent. After the 3 hour epic that was episode 181, Paul is out of material so reluctantly he hands over the reigns to Eli. What happens over the 60 minutes is all on Eli, Paul washes his hands of it completely. So... This week expect the stank of Eli's desires as he throws everything from noodles to sauces into the pot and adds a dash of The Muppets and a sprinkle of Pringles to the mix too. Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-182-eli-s-mandate If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Podbible Interview: https://podbiblemag.com/2020/06/12/a-special-cheapshow-celebration/ MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Paul is writing a book! Want to help make it happen? https://unbound.com/books/ghosts/

All right, here we go. Three, two, one. Oh, fuck. I totally didn't clap then. Now I noticed. I thought you screamed frozen. Just glance over and I see your face over there. Sorry.

Go again. Oh, shut up. Ready? Three, two, one, clap. It's the easiest part of the show. All right. Are you ready? Yes. I want to see your hands. All right, there they are. Can you see them? All two, one, clap. It's the easiest part of the show. All right. Three. Ready? Yes.

I want to see your hands. All right. There they are. Can you see them? All right. Here we go. Yeah. Three, two, one. Hello, everybody. Do you know what? I was going to... What? Fuck's sake. No, go on. You start. I'll let you start. Go on.

What were you going to? You were going to... What? No, go on. Start. Hello, everybody. Eli Silverman here. Welcome back to another episode of Cheap Show with myself and Paul Gannon. Paul. Hello, everyone. I'm Paul Gannon.

I'm not feeling it this week. You're not feeling it ever. You never feel it. I'm not feeling it. We're going to have to work hard, Mr. Silverman. You're like a brain in a vat. I was going to start by having a rant. Okay, go on.

I can do that. Because? You can rant to me. Come on, you call me a cunt. Call me a cunt a bit just to get the fire going. No, it's not about you. To get it going. Stir it up.

Come on, I'm a cunt. I'm a cunt. Fuck you. Yeah. Oh, I've done nothing this week. Nothing to prepare. Come on. Come at me.

Come on, have some energy. No? All right. No, I was going to complain. Come on. Come at me. Come on. Have some energy. No? All right. No, I was going to complain about people who post pictures of dogs on Instagram. Why? What's wrong with dogs? Got something against dogs? You can't.

No. More that when they give dogs language, you know? So it's like there's a picture here of a dog with sunglasses on in front of a car. And the speech bubble is coming out, and it goes, Hello, ladies. Yes. Get some chimkin. Bark at some squirrels.

And it's like, hello, ladies. It's like when they do the cats thing, and it's like, I is kitty cat. Meow. You know what I mean? It's like, don't. I has cheeseburger. I has cheeseburger.

Yes. That's your bit of material. Oh, what? You're going to read out It's like, don't... Yeah, I has cheeseburger. I has cheeseburger. Yes. That's your bit of material. What? Oh, right. You're going to read out something in dog, are you? In internet dog speak. I know how to speak it. I have...

Paul, I know how to speak it. I know how to... Mate, I'm dead inside. Let me finish this point. I know. Right. I know. You're like a brain in a vat and everything's been feeding you reality.

The scientist has been feeding you reality down the wires. You know, this whole virtual world of Ghostbusters and soft drinks and stuff. And then... You are absolutely talking massive amounts of codswallop. And the scientist has gone, ah, ha, ha, ha, ha. I'll turn it down. I'll turn Paul's dimmers down. And he'll only won't feel anything. He'll just feel a slight fuzziness at the edge of his consciousness. Eurgh! I've turned him down!

Paul! Right, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast! Yay! You twat! I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap

Cheap Show It's the price of shite Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheat Show And I go and I nuzzle Are we back? Yes, we're back.

I'll say something to you in dog language, yeah, Paul? Right, go on. And you just have to see what I'm getting at, okay? What sort of thing is this dog asking for? So you're going to play the role of a dog now, right? Yes, but I'll be speaking dog English or whatever, that internet talk, yeah? All right.

I has grumbles. I think that implies your stomach is churning. I has feely nudges. What? You... Come on. You has feely nudges. Yeah, you'll take it.

Because, Paul, this is a good segue into what's happening this week. You can't do it. You're not feeling it. That's fine. There are two of us at the helm on this show, Paul,

as you know. Yeah. And I think it's time for you to tell them what's happening this week with uh cheap show what's coming up on the show paul well what's coming up on the show is i don't know because i spent hours editing winky and doing all that and our birthday weekend and the twitch show and all that fun stuff that by the time we got around to recording this episode with nothing in the PO box to collect, I'm all out of ideas.

So I have decided to hand everything over to Mr. Silverman. And it's an Eli Silverman mandate episode. I'm sorry. Okay, good. Glad to hear it, Paul. And I think it's moving in the right direction. Oh, no, I actually do have something. Yeah, well, do it something. Yeah, well do it.

I allow you to do it because I would like to include your thing in my new domain. Okay? So, yes you can speak. I has email. I has email. I has email. I'm going mad. Read it out.

Yes, last week. It's Winky related, is that right? We've got some follow-up Winky. Yes, it is Winky related. So the three-hour episode went out last week. We're very proud of it. We hope you enjoyed the story. Jeff and Penny have since been in touch with me via email. They both enjoyed the episode, but they did want to clarify on a few things,

so I thought I'd read the emails out. How about that? We're all up for clarification here on the cheap show it's all about truth justice and sources truth justice and the mayonnaiseian way yeah like it i'll go on the mayonnaiseian way any day got to stitch it together. Yeah, stitch it together. Something about the mayonnaise-ing way. Spoff. Come on. Spunk is like mayo.

And what? Going on the mayonnaise-ing way could be spoffing off in a sandwich. Yeah, I don't quite know how it works. But, you know, I had a walk down Mayonnaise-ian Way the other day. Did you? Yeah. What does that mean? I had a wank.

Why did you just say I have a wank? Why do you have to have this conversation about you and mayonnaise? I don't know who you're talking to. Who are you talking to? I don't know. Do you have some guy you walk down the street with and tell him how you wank? Yeah. He's called Mr. Curious.

Oh. I'd like to chat with him send him around my way hello yeah hello i'm mr curious good voice you've got it's uh it's not a generic at all but mr curious would you what are you curious about mate don't you fucking dare tell me how to do a voice when all your voices are effectively different types of dog barking. So just leave it. Let it go. Is that Mr. Curious? His voice has changed. Hello. Yes, I'm Mr. Curious. How can I help you? Well, Mr. Curious,

I thought you had a desire for knowledge. I do. Did you want me to describe something to you? I'm curious to know how you tug on your main thudstring. Thudstring! Thudstring! It's funny you should ask that, because I have just been to Chudney Farm this morning,

if you know what I mean, and I've pulled a great big of Chudney's cordage out of the cupboard, if you know what I mean. Chudney's cordage out of the cupboard. You know what I mean? Chuffney cordage! I've just realised that now that I've handed this episode over to you, it's going to be packed full of fucking nonsense.

Chuffney cordage all day long. Chuffney cordage, love it long. Oh, God. Right, let me just read this fucking email. Forget Mr Curious. So who's this email first? Because he sounds too much like the Curious Orange anyway. Yeah, exactly.

Is that from what? Is that from Liam Herring or something? Yeah, this morning with Richard, not Judy. So moving on. Right, so here's what Geoff wrote. He said, what triggered Sherry not speaking was she was trying to screw with us so we would do something stupid and might want to leave.

Just like in reality shows. Which I guess, but there's also an argument there to say that maybe she just got tired of it. Yeah. Next point. Jeff Wenke,

or Winke, Wenke? Yeah. Jeff Wenke, was like an evil Knievel who could jump over cars at big truck events after we came down.

Yeah. There are some videos online, apparently, of him in action. I saw one. I saw one. Did you? Yeah.

He didn't seem to even attempt to jump. He was in a stadium, and there was all these wrecked cars lined up. He didn't even seem to... He just hit the first car, went up this ramp. The bike hit the first car, and he flew over the whole of them, like flew off the bike onto a big map. Oh, Christ. Yeah, it was crazy. God almighty.

Was that what Penny was talking about in the interview then? It must have been. Yes. Yeah, I think I saw it on her Twitter feed. Next point he wants to make. I had my apartment still in Santa Monica and I told JW he could move in with me until we found the place. It was about six months when a family friend who was coming to visit me from New York really someone who I was interested in dating and getting to know

until one day I went to work and Wenk had sex with her so I kicked him out. He then got pulled over a few times, did not have a current license and told the police he was me because we were both the same height and build. I had to take him to court fucking hell

so is this winky jeff this is the stuntman guy yeah yeah wow those guys those stuntmen guys all seem to have sort of quite difficult personal lives don't they they've got this weird sort of um compulsion it's a cell it's like a death wish thing they've got isn't it well i mean i don't know well he sounds like a bit of a what jeff other jeff is saying there is he sounds like he was a bit of a well he took him to court for pretending he was him you know well yeah but what i'm what i'm saying is i just think at that time when you know they're quite young and they're building their careers they're getting by by hook or by crook so you know what i mean it's just yeah i don't know yeah he sounds like a grifter that's for sure.

But yeah, the impression I got from everyone was that everyone was kind of grifting. Do you know what I mean? In that whole scene, everyone was just trying to get something, weren't they? I mean, there's a few other points, nothing of note to read out. But there's also, he says,

he did roll with the punches with Lynn because I was the self-proclaimed spokesperson of the remaining four. I was trying to get to know Lawrence to figure him out, He says, So again, he's reiterating, he doesn't paint Lin as all bad or all good, does he? He's saying he was sort of a complicated character. He must have been charming as well to a certain extent, mustn't he, Lin? He gets people to do stuff for him. But he's rich. It's not like he he, Lynn? He gets people to do stuff for him. But he's rich. It's not like he's charming and poor and gets people to do it.

He's charming and rich where I think it's probably an easier argument to have. Yes, yeah. It always helps if you're arguing with a big wadge of cash. Perhaps in your front of your trousers, just sticking up over the belt, like the wadge is sticking up over there, is nestled. Come on, mate. Listen, part of the rules this week is you have to go, when I say nudge or nuzzle or smudgy, you have to join in.

Oh, God. No, I don't have to. Fucking hell. You're a petulant child sometimes, aren't you? If you just have a stop phrase, when I say something, nussilage or something like that, you just say, Rab, Rab. All right, let's give it a go.

Yeah. So perhaps you could stick your wadge of money. It's very persuasive. You stick your wadge of money in the front of your trousers and it's all nussled. Nessled. Nessled down there. It's all nestled.

Rub, rub. Yeah. Ooh. Rub, rub. Crazy. Right. Ooh, crazy. Right, here's what Penny said.

She wrote a few little emails about amendments and things like that, but when she's listening back to the interview, she sent me an email saying that Jeff was a bit of a cad. And he can't believe he gave intimate details of Wenke and Sherry hooking up. I can't remember. Did he say that? Was that who he was talking about? Yeah.

Oh. I mean, come on, Penny. It was 40 years ago or something, wasn't it? I mean, come on. Yeah. And then she didn't like eli calling the place of intimacy the bone pad she was a bit why that's what it was come on okay she also said i was obsessed with shit i'm not obsessed with shit i've got a healthy interest

you know i'm that sound sounded bad healthy uh I'm not obsessed with shit. I has poop burger. I has meat burger. Rub, rub. Now he's into it. He's into it. Yeah, I'm getting into it. I'm finding the rub of it.

So, yeah, she said, it's not a bone pad. It was just for breaks and bathrooms. And no, Eli, Jeff Olin did not get the cream of the crop. Jeff Wenk was the handsome Midwestern hunk. Jeff Stute was adorable and funny. And Jeff Oland was what we like to call thirsty, if you get my meaning.

Yes, I do, Penny. But what I said is I didn't say you suggested that Jeff got the cream of the crop. And he said quite astutely, I got the cream of the crop and he said, quite astutely, I got the cream and the crop, meaning he took whatever was coming, vag-wise, took it to the bone pack. Do you have to put it like that, though?

Fuck me. He doesn't speak about people in regards to what anatomy they have. Vag-wise, that could be like a feminine health group at your local GP. Or it's the worst CITV show of the 80s. Vagwise?

Yeah, Vagwise. With a bunch of kids. We're gonna be Vagwise! I don't know what that even means. Rub rub. Rub rub. Good. This is working for you, this rub rub. Overall, she said she loved it eli's brains in the gutter fucking why am i considered to be the dirty one um and she thinks jeff might be

slightly embellishing his sexual exploits anyway that's it kind of in a nutshell without going into all the details but you know she it's nice to have them reply and clarify on a few things it's a bit roshamon isn't it it's a bit everyone there's going to be no universal truth because everyone's opinions and points of views are different absolutely and i mean if you just focus just on the on the competition itself you've got all all the different viewpoints of all the contestants and then penny's got a different viewpoint And obviously there's events that happened that they both witnessed. And, you know, it's like any story, Paul. It depends who's telling it.

And in my version of the story, I was just reading between the lines, it was a fucking boning station, wasn't it? Great stuff. All right, well, as of now, Eli Silverman, as of right now, you are now in charge of Cheap Show. I'm handing it over to you. OK, hello, everybody. We're back from the sound effect or whatever Paul's slapped in there.

And Paul... I might use one of your fart sound effects this week as a nice bridging sound effect. I see what happened there. The little mask slipped there, didn't it? The little mask slipped. What mask? It was an unconscious thing, wasn't it?

You said fart, fart, sound. And then what was the last word you said? Effects. Proving, once and for all, that this is a whole sham, the sham of me farting, which I'd never do. I would never do that. No. How would I ever?

I have got every time, every time we've recorded Cheap Show and you've let off a massive eggy wafer, right, and I've recorded it. Objection. I've kept a massive eggy woofer, right? And I've recorded it. Objection! I've kept a little folder on my hard drive of all your collected farts. Yes, sound effects, but you described them as effects. So you've revealed that you've been... Now that I do, they have been transformed from diegetic sound to non-diegetic sound.

You've created them using sophisticated MIDI software. No. Yes, you have. You've created them using technologically shitty software called your guts. Oh, I love this back and forth, Paul. Yeah. You don't have a moogie, like you have a poog. I don't know what that means.

The poog's warming up. Right. Anyway, I have a folder full of your farts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've revealed them to be fake. I do. We all know them to be fake. One's called Guffer.

This one's called Long and Raspy. This one's called Short and Fat. And then the last one is just called The Beast. Paul, you don't have permission to put any so-called Eli farts in this. Yeah? You're going to toxify the episode. I know what you're going to do now as well. They're going to be endless.

It's going to be endless fart sound effects now, isn't it? Echoing around my head. No, Paul, make mental note. Put fart sound effects in now. Now, we're going to start with a little bit of a cheap eat segment. It's the section of the show, ladies and gentlemen, which we taste cheap food stuffs. We are lucky enough to have a fantastic listenership

fandom, whatever you want to call it, and they've sent us all this stuff. They know my peccadillos, yeah? And, uh... Go on, now, you're in charge. They know my peccadillos, and, um... He's going, ladies and gentlemen He can't handle it

I've just got this word going through my head every time I say peccadillo Peccadillos While you're at it Eli get amplitude out there Get poultice out of your system Get thwack Spoff Thwack Thwack

Thwack's everybody's word. No, well, it will thwop. I just want to say this one thing because I've got a Touretic need to express it. Dickadillos. Dickadillos, quite good. Nice. Nicely done. They send in great stuff.

And, Paul, you've got me these Pringle-branded noodles, which I will be tasting at some point. But I've worked out that the tube, we also sent Pringles in a standard Pringles tube, sort of a three-quarter length tube. That's right. I thought it might have been instant noodles served in the tube, but apparently it's not.

These are ramen-flavoured Pringles. Yeah? These are ramen-flavoured Pringles. Yeah? These are ramen-flavoured Pringles. I am going to try them, but I thought we could pre-seize this with a little discussion of Pringles. We have rated Pringles in our scientifically accurate crisp tier rating

system, the League of Snacks and Crisps, haven't we, Paul? So we've covered... No, we haven't bought Pringles, have we? Didn't we do Pringle knock-offs, like an off- off-brand brand off that's what it is but you know what i mean paul i know this is a bit of a side issue but we really need to get the league back up and running because we covered cheddars we did cheddars mini cheddars and they didn't even get a rating in the league what sorry cheddars cheddars i't eaten Cheggers. Why didn't Cheddars not do a promotion with Keith Chegwin?

And you could have done Cheggers Cheddars or something like that. You know, like, he's the cheesy TV star. Probably because he was a cunt to work with. Maybe.

He pissed off his head some days. Or asked for too much money. Yeah, I guess in the 80s, yeah. Pringles, Paul, famously... Mate, isn't it horrible being a celebrity where when you're at the height of everything, off his head some days. Or ask for too much money. Yeah, I guess in the 80s, yeah. Pringles, Paul, famously. Mate, isn't it horrible being a celebrity where when you're at the height

of everything, you're just saying no to all these projects. No, I'm too good for this. No, I'm too good. And then one day, you're presenting Naked Jungle on Channel 5.

Yeah, I know. God, with your little nubbin'. Your little chegger. Your little tucked-in chegger. Yeah, your little swap shop. Your little scrottle button. Come on, Paul. Say it.

Say it. What? I'll say it again. Your little scrottle button. Oh, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub. Right. Rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub. Paul, Pringles famously once you pop you can't stop

yes that is what they say which is kind of sinister it's an authoritarian snack position isn't it it's like what I want to stop you know what I mean what if I want to stop don't tell me I can't stop

what if it was like hard labor once you start you can't stop you know that well that's not a great comparison to compare pringles with hard manual labor all right it's more like drugs isn't it it's more like once you take your first hit you can't stop it's like meth yeah and they do pr, in my experience, are very mouth addictive, but to the point of unpleasantness. So you wish you could stop. You know what I mean? After halfway through the tube, you're not enjoying it anymore.

You're mindlessly just shoving. Shoving, because it's the salt. Is it the salt? I think they put other... You know, like, you can improve chocolate by adding salt to it. That's why chocolate-covered pretzels are so nice. It's that same thing. They are so nice. It's that same thing. They are so nice.

Here's the thing. I only eat plain Pringles because I find their flavoured ones vile. Yeah, very chemically, aren't they, their flavours? The whole thing about Pringles is fake to me. I mean, obviously, you know, it's manufactured so obvious. But what I'm saying is it tastes synthetic. It's like the Mountain Dew of crisps. Yes, absolutely.

But do you see what i mean you feel like once you've you've popped and you can't stop but you kind of not having an enjoyable food experience you're just sort of addicted just this reaction yeah it's terrible they're nasty aren't they really imagine if that was the the phrase you'd use for masturbation and coming once you pop you can't stop so you're tugging it and tugging it and then you blow your load and then you're coming forever. Just forever. Just forever. That'd be great. No, it wouldn't. You couldn't go shopping. You couldn't

go swimming. You couldn't go... I could go shopping. I'll come in and look. We'll do a little scenario. Imagine I've popped my chod off and I can't stop because I've got... And I'm going to come and try and buy the newspaper. Alright, and I can't stop. Right? Yeah. And I'm going to come and try and buy the newspaper, yeah?

All right, and I'm the checkout guy, right? Yeah. Ah, hello, sir. Welcome into Paul's Little Shop. How can I help you today, sir? Oh, sir. Can you not splash that on the quality street? Sir. Sir, I will not have that ejaculate on my eggs.

Oh, now, come on, sir. You can't wipe your hands on the newspapers, sir. Oh, now, come on. Now, I must have to ask you quite politely, sir, to stop spoffing on the Kinder Eggs. Carol, get the mop. Okay, Carol. I can only think of two girls' names. It's Barbara and Carol every time. Oh, Carol. I can only think of two girls' names. It's Barbara and Carol every time.

Oh, no. Do you know were there any significant people in your life with that name? No, not at all. Okay, strange. So these are ramen-flavoured Pringles. I have actually tried some more. And Pringles seem to have, similar to Kit Kat, they seem to be able to endlessly do limited editions and different flavours

all over the world, don't they? Biffo did with Ashen's on Digitiser a few months ago. They did the kind of strange Pringles. It was like prawn cocktail and spicy king prawn, shrimp, fish, whatever. You know what I mean? They do everything.

They do absolutely everything, which is to be lauded, I guess. In many respects, you could say a Pringle represents the flavours and meals of the country that they sell that brand in. So, you know, the Mexican Pringles are going to have

a different array of flavours to the British. Yes. And that's, again, that is similar to, very similar to Instant Noodles, which is perhaps also another reason why there's so much seems to be so many so much overlap between Pringles and instant noodles. Do you see what I mean? Because they're these neutral foodstuffs, which they can which they can customize in terms of their flavor offering, depending on what territory they're in. So are you going to try them? I am. You've got Mr Pringles on the front. Is that what his name is? Is he called Harry Pringles? Johnny Pringles? Terence Pringles.

Terence Trent Pringles. I'm just going to pop this open. You're going to give it a hoof? I'm going to give it a hoof. I've got terrible hay fever today, so my nose is already streaming, but we'll give it a go. I'm opening it now oh that has a that smells like um ramen it really does it's weird it has a smell i can smell the

sort of uh miso you know oh okay ramen that miso soup is what it smells of and i think that's what this is a miso based ramen that is on the picture on the side. So that is a very accurate smell. It does smell like that. Paul, I've had... I've opened this tube. I've had a surprise already. Yeah? These are

half-size. These are miniature. Oh, they are? They're tiny. Do you see them? Yeah. They look normal size in my camera. I can't even get this... Do you see? They're tiny. Do you see them? Yeah. They look normal size in my camera. I can't even get this. Do you see? They're tiny. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're at least half size. Okay. The half coming off them now, very, very accurate. Wow. It's just so miso-y. Is it reminding you of a particular brand? No, but it's reminding me of a sort of generic Japanese miso-based ramen, as opposed to where they make this.

They make a... Oh, no, actually, tell a lie. It's a soy, soy sauce-based. Okay. That's the smell. It smells of soy sauce-based broth, which is a particular type of ramen that they do. All right, we'll give it a go.

Taste it. It's a clear broth. He's scoffing it. Oh, God. You go back to pop and not stop. Wow. Yeah? Those are about the best Pringle I've ever eaten in my life.

Well, blow me shut. Wow. Those are so good. So good. Just a satisfying flavour? Yeah. Very, very flavourful. Very flavourful.

Very umami. Like, so soy saucy. Just flavour? Yeah. Very, very savoury. Very umami. Like so soy saucy. Just lovely. Yeah. Oh, that's nice. Wow. So I tell you what, since Mr Biffo has inspired us, you know, like he added accuracy.

What would you say the accuracy of that is then? Very high. Very high. Like an eight or a nine. The flavour also really suits that delivery method of being in a crisp. You know? Really? Yeah.

It's not out of place because it's sort of like, similar to a noodle, it has a sort of neutral carbohydrate substrate on which the flavour sits on top. Do you see what I mean? So it kind of suits it. But I get what you mean. The amplitude works. There's loads of amplitude coming off these, like shards of hot white lightning of amplitude shooting out of the tube.

Yeah. Mmm. Those are great. Spoffy hot globlets of flavoured accuracy all over your mouth. Yeah, I would give those... I like the taste of those. Mmm. Eli.

Those are 30th... Yes. The Pringles logo, right? Mr Pringles. Do you know what his name is I've just found out I don't have any idea you did no you did have an idea

but it was probably going to be offensive wasn't it yeah fuck face fuck fucking Pringle Pringle camp is he called the Pringle camp

his name's Kenny Fuckmouth no what's his name come on Julius Pringles. Oh, of course. He's a posh twat, isn't he? He's got all airs and graces with his little bow tie there.

You know what I mean? What's his bow tie about? I don't need someone to dress up to give me fucking Pringles. Well, it says here, it was, yeah, it's just a man's face, a prominent moustache, and the mascot's name is Julius. And then it says, over the years, there have been many types of different flavor. There's a website called snackhistory.com, which has like a history of snacks, I guess. And it's got a whole really in-depth history of the Pringle here.

Like who bought it, who owns it, how it was made, how it was invented, who invented it, the name. Here is a list of the different flavours of Pringles, right? Okay. Bacon, jalapeno, cheddar and sour cream, barbecue, lightly salted cheddar cheese, salt and vinegar, salt and pepper, crushed pepper, sweet mayo, prawn cocktail, sour cream and onion, pizza, extra chilli hot in lime, salsa, buffalo ranch, I is cheeseburger. Fuck. Tangy Buffalo Blazing Buffalo Multi-Green Farmhouse, Grand Canyon French Fries, Caramel Butter, Extra Pepper, Garlic Seafood, Grilled Shrimp and Garlic,

Salsa de Chili Habanero, National Hot Chicken, Sriracha, Zesty Southwestern Cheese Pringles, French Onion Dip, Sea Sauce, Shimmer of Cucumber, Cinnamon, Top Ramen. Hot and spicy. French onion. Hot Robin? I've got a hot Robin. It's a throbbing.

Salted caramel. Oh, my Robin. Seaweed. Turkey. Turkey. My Robin is throbbing. Finger licking braised pork. Balsamic vinegar.

Fuck me. Green shrimp. Sausage. Lemon and sesame. Ketchup. Sausage. Pigs in blankets. Beef kebab.

Pigs. New York cheese fries. I've got my pig in a blanket. Extra hot chili. Pigs in blankets. Beef kebab. New York cheese fries. I'll put my pig in a blanket. Extra hot chili. Salsa fiesta. Fiesta chili. Italian cheese. Margarita pizza.

Smoky bacon. Cheese and bacon. Cheese and bacon. Bacon, bacon, bacon. Cheesy, cheesy, cheesy. Bacon, bacon. Bruschetta. Spanish salsa.

Salsa verde. Extra spicy. Hot paprika. Sweet and tangy. Smoked salami. It's prawn cocktail, chili steak, paprika, funky mustard, funky soy, mozzarella, bacon Caesar, barbecue chicken, mayo potato, lemon and sesame, keema curry, Indonesian satay, crab flavor, soft shell crab, cheese carnival, Bangkok grilled chicken, mac and cheese, bacon mac and cheese, German sausage, wasabi and soy, peri peri, blueberry, hot chilli,

spring onion, sprucey barbecue, Thai green curry, all American barbecue, cinnamon and sugar flavour, white chocolate peppermint, pumpkin pie, Mexican layered, slow cooked barbecue, chicken taco, grilled ham and cheese,

fried chicken, sweet chilli chicken, butter popcorn, devil hot, taco night, cheese and onion. Again. Taco night? Pizza-licious, chilli cheese, chipotle, spicy guacamole, corn, spaghetti flavour,

flaked grilled steak and caramelised onion, red chilli chicken, flaming chilli. It just goes on and on. Pecan pie, grilled cheese, white cheddar, exploding cheese and chilli, Wisconsin white cheddar, Sabor jamon, jamon, serrero, serrero,

ham pringles, zesty queso, sour cream, mushroom, and egg sandwich. Fuck me. Pringles, Zesty Quizzle, Sour Cream, Mushroom and Egg Sandwich. Fuck me! Right, that's the end of that segment. Paul, that was an almost overwhelming list of flavours

for Pringles there. There was two very descriptive terms there. Was it Carnival of Cheese? Cheese Carnival. Cheese Carnival, which is very much like the contents of my undies. Fucking hell. Oh, dear.

And was it Taco Tuesdays or something as well? Something like that, yeah. That sounds filthy. Absolutely filthy. You can call your unwashed bum cracker taco Tuesday or something, couldn't you? Exactly, yeah. Great though. And honestly, very delicious Pringles

there. I was very surprised. Very surprised. So what else have you got for us in Eli's Mandate show? Well, I just want to mention some noodles because these really caught my eye i've been getting well into lucky me uh brand uh much very much on the cheap end but a high quality noodle

and they do calamansi flavored ones they have done i think probably in response to the huge popularity of Samyang's two-time spicy type meals. You know, sort of dare spice, I call it. Challenge spice. Challenge food, isn't it? Challenge, yeah. Which has been a whole sort of trend in food over the recent years, hasn't it? You had those roulette Doritos, for example. There's also this thing where it's like hot sauces have become like,

I don't know, a thing recently. You know, it's like bespoke, classy, well-made ones with all the hottest chilies in the world, the Carolina Reaper or whatever. But I think I've mentioned this before, Paul, but in my opinion opinion those gimmicky ones that are just trying to say this is the hottest pepper ever are very poorly uh poorly produced they're they're poorly thought out and they often have a lot of sugar or carrots you know carrots

for god's sake just to give it because carrots gives it that orange sort of hue which which to the eye makes you think oh that's a really hot pepper. Do you see what I mean? The weird thing is, for me, the paler or more transparent of sauces I tend to feel is hotter. What they're trying to do is something like this. I have in my hand some spur tree crushed scotch bonnet pepper sauce. And this is literally the pepper, the fruit of the pepper. You can see it all in there, the seeds.

You know what I mean? Yeah. But that, I think, is quite expensive to produce because it's got so much pepper per square inch or cubic inch or whatever. But those fucking carrot merchants are just trying to give that effect of it being packed full of peppers, but they're using carrot, Paul. It's a deception. You know what I mean?

What do you want to be when you grow up? Well, I would like to be an old carrot merchant. You know, I'd like to go from town to town selling carrots to the poor and needy. Oh, yeah? I recently sold a load of carrots to the Hot Spicy Sauce Company. They definitely paid a sweet fee for my carrots.

Right. So what it is, is a lucky me. They're called Pants It Canton, which I think they might be Filipino. What's that? Pants Off Pants On? That's the name of the noodle. Pants It Canton. Pants Off Pants On?

Pants It Pants On Cheese Carnival Rub Nub Boogie Shoes Blender. Snuffle Nuffle. Come on. No, this is a lucky me and it's an extra hot chilli one. Is it so hot it might blow your pants off? Yeah, and it says best served hot on it. It's like, yeah, we know that. I should have a T-shirt with that on that says best served hot.

But I'm very interested to see if that in any way comes up to the mouth-destroying intensity of the Samyang two times spicy chicken rong. That's something to look forward to. We've also got those Pringles noodles to get done so there's plenty of Pringles stuff to come. Next time I do a

noodle review, I think those are the ones we should do. The Pringles and the extra hot Lucky Me one. Good, good, good. Just a little sauce reportette. It's a sauce reportette. You've got Bic-a-pepper. Bic-a-pepper.

That's right. Are you the sauce gnome? I'm the sauce gnome. Okay. I like having you around, little gnome. Oh, it is good here. It's good. This is your other voice.

I came from all over the world. Where did you come from today? I came from the world of saucy loop loop. Oh, good. Now, you'll be interested in this little sauce now i'm done with that character now it was too hard to do i've given up pick a pepper sauce which is um it's jamaican now this paul yeah is a it's a brown sauce and it's extremely fruity imagine basically hp sauce or a brown or daddy's brown or whatever yeah a little it's a little thinner a

little more watery but just a lot more fruit it packs a fruit really sweet fruit burst yeah and it got me it got me thinking brown sauce is one of the universal fundamental sources because it's sort of a version of a fruity brown sauce in lots of cultures isn't there we have it hp yeah and the the japanese have it don't they they have something very similar but it's much sweeter again than the british their brown sauce and the jamaicans have it they're all variations on a theme sort of what's your favorite brown sauce i mean i do like hp i love hp i have to say i like it with a nice big sausage but paul believe me when I tell you, this Picker Pepper sauce could replace HP in every application,

any application you might have for it. A fried egg sandwich? Absolutely. It's like a hypercharged HP sauce, this Picker Pepper. Well, I'm looking down at my lap, Mr. Silverman, and I can definitely see a flavour tenting happening down there. You can see a flavour tent. Now, the main difference, I think,

between, apart from the viscosity, is the is that this Picker Pepper sauce has a little bit of a kick. A little bit. Not a lot, but a very... Not an off-putting amount. No, not at all. And just to end this little report, I've got another Picker Pepper sauce. I've tasted this on the

Twitch stream the other night by pouring it into my mouth directly. Yes. Like an absolute beast. Badass. This is Picker Pepper brand

but this is their spicy mango sauce. Now, this is a lot, perhaps a lot more punch than the normal Picker Pepper and it's got a mango flavour. That is an absolutely

delicious sauce. I can't even imagine what that tastes like right now because the mango is so sweet that I can't see how that... I don't know. I'm very keen to try it. It's very good. And on the neck of the bottle here it says, for seafoods,

cheese dishes. So if you had those Pringle cheese carnavale, you could douse them in this. Salads, gravies. You can add it to gravy. Well, Eli, I've got to be honest with you. I'm bored as fuck. Come on, mate.

What? It's lockdown Britain, isn't it? You know, you've got to do what? Needs do. You've got to do as you need to do. Needs do as the needs must. Yeah, needs do, mate. One last thing, Paul.

We've got another segment here. It's a little bit of a Silverman's Platters. Now, I'm going to introduce the section and I just want to just check with you before we go fully for it that you know what your role is here vis-a-vis the intro to Silverman's Platters

just tell me, I want to hear it, let me know I want to hear it, tell me what are your responsibilities vis-a-vis the intro to Silverman's Platters it's my responsibility to just pretend to be Clive McFatter for three seconds

and say something in response to whatever inane claptrap falls out of your stupid fat mouth. Am I close? Getting into the spirit of it. Yes. Yes. So we'll go for it. Yeah. You're locked in.

You're ready. Yeah. Yes. Let's just get through this. Here we go. And, ladies and gentlemen, welcome back. It's time now again for Silverman's Platters. Yes, the platter of the hour comes down when I drop the needle on my platter.

We're going to cover records like you've never been covered before. And just a quick word now from the patron saint of this segment. Yes, it's Clyde McFatter. Clyde, can you hear me? Rob, Rob. It's Silverman's Platters, Paul. Yeah, let me just let my cat out a second. One second.

Oh, fuck's sake. Fucking upstaging cat. Does he need cheeseburgers? Bye bye Mr Puss Puss Oh Mr Puss Puss He's off now Right I'm back Did he bite you?

Did he bite you? No because he's a nice cat No He's not nice to me No because He's never nice to me He can sense the filth on you What?

He senses the filth He licked his own arsehole And that says something That he would rather lick his own arsehole than get nuzzles from you. You are dirtier than a... I didn't try and nuzzle... You are dirtier, officially, than a cat's arsehole. God. Oh, God, I'm going to... I don't have to take this from you.

You know that. You do. Right. On Silverman's Platters today, Paul, I'm just going to... I'm going to talk about one LP, and we're going to listen to one track from it. Oh. But I just want to sort of discuss a bit more generally uh that i do collect muppets and sesame street and jim henson records that is one of my i've got i've got both the muppet show albums they did two lps and they were just songs

taken or re-recorded from the show, right? With a few clips scattered throughout. Yeah, basically it was, yes, it was bits from the show and also lots of songs. But I believe, because if you think about it, all that Henson stuff, and especially Sesame Street, was very much based around the songs, wasn't it? I mean, the songs were the main thing, weren't they? I mean, we've mentioned it before, but there's a really good Defunctland series of videos on youtube about henson and i think it pretty much covers the fact that he was very into his music of of all kinds he just like music that imparted stories and celebrated the

culture yeah absolutely and that and that shows in the sort of variety of different styles and genres that the muppets did do you know i mean I mean? And it's brilliant to have that whole approach. It's another thing that makes it great. Sesame Street, obviously on the more educational side, and their records, one of the big problems with collecting Jim Henson-based LPs is they're worth for children. And a lot of them, the copies,

some kid in the 70s or 80s has just literally stamped all over it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're not treated well. Terrible. I've got a Big Bird bedtime story record, which is practically unplayable. But it's very good. This one, however, the actual LP is in pretty good shape.

What is this one you've got right now? The LP I'm going to discuss a track of is Having Fun with Ernie and Bert. Is it sexual? No, it's not sexual at all. And it is all stories and songs featuring Ernie and Bert, but a lot of the other characters from Sesame Street appear on this. And basically, my three other favourite characters who are Grover, Oscar the Grouch, who I model my whole life after,

and who's the other one? I don't know. They're your fucking favourite characters. Grover, Oscar the Grouch, Big Bird, who isn't my favourite. So, Angob, are you saying that you're more of a Sesame Street person than a Muppets person? Definitely.

Fine. Definitely. I personally think that the Sesame Street is his highest achievement. The classic Sesame Street bits. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah i'm personally always very fond of like the middle couple of series of the muppets maybe like seasons two to four i don't know it's just that's exactly the kind of thing that tickles all of my fancies um so this the front cover of this LP has Ernie and Bert. I always thought of them as Bert and Ernie.

I wonder why on this it's Ernie and Bert. If you thought of those two characters, that pair, which name would come up first for you? Yeah, weird. This is Ernie and Bert. This is what I'm saying though. Maybe it's a contract thing.

It's like Bert and Ernie on TV, but like any other subsidiaries, like movies, spin-offs, albums, Ernie gets to have his name first. It's just in the contract. The photography on the cover is absolutely fantastic. You can really see the texture of the puppets. Do you know what I mean?

And that sort of... It's like it's almost frayed. Do you know what I mean? That sort of frayed, almost worn down in that sort of light, the sunlight. It's really hard to describe, but the texture of the puppets gives me a nostalgia hard-on. It's good to know that now I can look at your collection of Muppet albums and know they give you a massive throbbing in the cockage department.

No, it's not. Just a metaphorical hard-on. Do you get a big bird? Is that what it is? You lie there and you go, oh, big bird. I'd like you to snuffle my lupicus. Yes. My fucking imaginary elephants you can fucking snuffle my lupicus he's a mammoth thank you imaginary mammoth he doesn't

know he doesn't have tusks yeah but he's but elephants have tusks as well oh they're fair enough he's a tuskless mammoth anyway what track are we going to listen to from this album now i just wanted to say one other thing, Paul. Oh, fuck. This LP is Gatefold, and you'll like this. It's got like a game built in, so you stick a spinner through the... Oh, like a board game? Yeah. Mate, take pictures of these, please, so we can put them up on the website,

thecheapshow.co.uk. It's got blue... It's got... Do you see here? I'm showing you. Yeah, like a yin and yang thing. Yeah, and you put a spinner in there. You're going to put a spinner in there

and you spin it round. Bert and Ernie are yin and yang, aren't they? In many respects. Yes. Discuss. They're very great characters because they're so different. They're different sides of the same coin.

Check out this double gatefold. Look, this other bit of the game here. Oh, nice. There's a spinner and there's the board, which is like a... Oh, I like that. Which is like a race game thing. If you listen to the album, can you listen to the album and play along at the same time? Is that a feature?

Yes, that's what you do, I think. That's what you're meant to do. You're meant to go along. Right, well, what track, then, are we going to listen to today? I love the artwork on this. It's just a fantastic thing. And we're going to listen. And I'm looking at it right now, ladies and gentlemen, on the Zoom camera.

And I can assure you that it is literally covered in his sperm. It has got lashings and lashings of Eli's marrow fat peas. Oh, come on. I try and be nice. My marrow fat peas. Paul, I'm trying to be nice. It's my fucking turn to do something on this show. What? You just come everywhere.

Aren't you ever quenched? I fucking... You never fucking... Have you seen Eli's collection of Sesame Street albums? I can see that he's taken them down Mayonnaise-ian way. I knew that would work eventually well done

alright so what's the track then the track is Magic Cookie now Herbert Birdsfoot have you heard of that character no see he's a very minor character

but he reads this story ok Herbert Birdsfoot Cookie Monster and the Magic Cast this is one of my all time favourite Jim Henson things.

All right, well then, ladies and gentlemen, let's listen to a little snippet of Magic Cookie. Hi, Herbert Birdsfoot here. Do you see that picture map inside the album cover? Well, there's a story that goes with that picture. So you look at the picture and listen carefully because we're going to be asking you to help tell the story. One morning, Mr. Cookie Monster left his house and set out into the world in search of everlasting joy and happiness.

Why not? Got nothing else to do today. Just down the road, he met a strange little man who said, Go to the top of the magic mountain, and there you will find something that will bring you everlasting joy and happiness. Magic Mountain, huh? Okay. So Cookie started off to find the Magic Mountain. But pretty soon he came to a fork in the road. One way led over a bridge and the other way went through a gate. Oh, boy. Hey, kids at home, which way should me go? Through gate or over bridge? Yeah, Cookie go over bridge.

So Cookie walked over the bridge. But as you can see, he should have gone the other way, because on the other side of the bridge lived a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Oh, take me get out of here. On the other side of the bridge lived a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Oh, make me get out of here! The dragon ran fast, but luckily Cookie Monster ran faster until he was safely back over the bridge. Oh boy, almost had Toasted Cookie there.

And right then, Cookie made a promise. From now on, me listen to kids at home. Well, there you go. I learned something. I love that. That album track was written on mescaline. That's the only thing I can say is that although we showed a clip there, the basic gist is Cookie Monster goes for a walk,

goes past all these villainous, scary things, and then eventually finds a fairy who gives him a cookie that can give him, what was it? Happiness and... Eternal happiness, essentially. Happiness forever. And then he eats it. And I just thought, that's kind of bleak, isn't it?

As a message. But I think that's what I mean. I think it has actually... Honestly, I think it is philosophically astute and actually really... It's saying something quite profound about delayed gratification you know the pursuit of happiness and so i love that i love the way that also there's an interactive way that cookie monster is um addressing the kid the kids at home i love that

so much it's so involving i like that little line as well where cookie monster goes what a magic mountain said that all right okay yeah i'll buy that for the purposes exactly i was gonna say there's all this frame breaking which is brilliant which is sophisticated for a children's thing because he's he's aware that he's in a story being told isn't it yeah well this is the thing i've just i'm looking at the youtube comments for the video that um does the magic cookie track and this guy called the magic hoarder five years ago says the album was in stereo, but the upload here is in mono. Fair enough.

Trivia about this track, the picture map inside the album cover was not included on later printings of this album as a cost-cutting measure, along with the colour wheel. And reference to these on the record were also edited out so as to not confuse the children.

Yeah, that's what it is. That's the thing in the on the the map is that actually his his journey that's that's cookie monster's journey yeah and he also says that when he was a kid he played to death and he ruined it but when he went to buy a copy years later the only one he could find was the one without the map on the inside and the track that'd be terrible that'd be much worse yeah much worse um and i'm pretty sure they did something similar to this uh in live action actually on the on sesame street as well i remember it's being real with children the whole

moral of the story is you know you might be pursuing happiness but you're not going to be able to control your sort of impulse just to be happy now it's almost saying you're going to have to live in the moment no matter what do you know what i Oh, there's a certain sense like throughout all the characters, the different characters' traits can be used to tell different emotional or moral stories. And so with Cookie Monster, you've got avarice and greed and instant gratification. Impulse control is the whole thing with him, isn't it? But the other thing about him is that he's also like, and I'm fine with that because I know what moderation is.

That's ultimately like the lesson is like, I don't give with that because I know what moderation is. That's ultimately the lesson. I don't give a shit. I've got all the things that make me happy. Yeah, just the way he... I find it hilarious to this day. It's like Kermit the Frog wanks off dogs. No, he does not. He does. You're just trying to bring the Cheap Show background to something, so you just say Spoff.

You are dead inside. It's like this sort of Spoff joke robot living in your brain skull. Experimentate. Experimentate. Say that again. Now, Paul, so do you think that's good? I am.

Is that a splatter or a platter? That is a definite platter because there's something about Jim Henson, the children's television workshop, all of that, even if not all of it connects with me, I always love the artistry, the desire to teach without talking down to kids. And just the level of invention, like the level of, I mean, even within that small clip, there was like a sense of, oh, labyrinth to it, you know? There's a sense of that. Yeah, absolutely. Just the quality of the voice acting and just the music. It's all really high.

Yeah. Don't you think? And I always love that stuff. Jim Henson on record or Jim Henson productions on record are great as well. Yeah. Are really good. Well, that was a lovely platter and that's cheered me up no end. Good.

I just wanted to mention as well, you know the Manar Manar song? Yeah. Famously by Piero Illumani. Yes. That appeared in an Italian porn film. Yes. Originally, the Manamana. Yes.

Now, I've got that. I have got the seven inch on Pi Records that was released in Britain of the Muppets version. Yes. Did you know there's two different Jim Henson versions? They did it on Sesame Street. Yeah. And then they did it on The Muppet Show. And there were two different versions of that song

that they did. I didn't know that. He liked to recycle. I say recycle, but if he liked something, he would redo it and then maybe try and do it again to get it right. So for some reason, he was really obsessed with Manamana. Or, Jim Henson really liked that porn film and it was playing on his mind

too much and he thought, how do I work this out? Paul, it wasn't even porn properly, was it? It was very soft, sort of exploitation. Wasn't it meant to be some kind of faux fake sex documentary or something? Fake documentary, yes. Look at these men and women, naked as nature intended, enjoying their beauty and natural design. God's greatest gift.

Meanwhile, there's some guy in the front row and a Mac going, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was actually a scene in a Swedish sauna. Yeah, that's right. Wasn't it? That music was originally used for that song. But I wasn't aware there were two versions that Jim Henson had done, one on the Muppets and one on the Sesame Street.

And now you do. Paul, the other thing I was going to mention is, I don't know ifenson had done one on the Muppets and one on the Sesame Street and now you do Paul the other thing I was going to mention is I don't know if we've covered it on the show but there's this LP I've got

Burbajas which was a Spanish language kids show okay which has some lovely moog do you remember that record

I vaguely do and we've always wanted to cover it and I don't think we have so we'll have to get to that the next time but right now ladies and gentlemen

I'm bored of this segment now so we're wrapping the show up all right fuck you good yes yes hello back again hello yes well did you like that paul i did some sauces and you know eli i've had a time a little bit of time to think i've mulled over your contributions what you brought to the table your energy your excitement for the project at hand uh i've factored in what you brought the little items and overall after looking at it scientifically and breaking it down mathematically at what you've done, I can safely say that this has been the most awful thing I've sat through in absolute years. Oh, aren't you the panic willow?

Tranche. Right, okay, well, we've lost Eli. We finally found out he's malfunctioned. Tranche. With that in mind, it is time to say goodbye. That was a whole tronch of quality in this episode. Well, look, ladies and gentlemen, you be the judges of this. So, if you enjoyed what you heard today, why don't you do hashtag EliIsAmazing.

And if you didn't like it, don't worry, you never go on Twitter and say that anyway. It's all EliThis is great and Eli's sexy and look at him smoking on Twitch like a cool rebel edgelord. Get stuffed. Bye everyone. That's it. Alright. Bye everyone. No, no, no. We'll do a little bit of admin.

The website, thecheapshow.co.uk if you want to see pictures and videos accompanying this episode. I'm on Twitter at PaulGannonShow. The podcast is at The Che show pod eli is eli snoid s-n-o-i-d right oh eli find it well almost uh if you would like to support this podcast in any small or large financial way you can patreon.com forward slash cheap show and you get extra pods in the magazine and this and that and some extra videos lovely sorts of stuff extra content for the patreon lovelies um and obviously times like this are hard so only donate if you can

please don't put yourself out other than that spread the word we're on facebook we're on instagram all the usual places look for cheap showap Show, you'll find us. Other than that, thank you once again, Mr. Silverman, for being my darling co-host for another episode of Cheap Show. Thank you, Paul. Bye, everybody. And actually, all jokes aside, I know we rushed this together and I did put all the emphasis on you, but all jokes aside, Eli, you are

a fucking prick. Fuck you. Fuck off. Bye, everyone. Bye. I just want to get that bye everyone bye