CheapShow - Ep 183: Pandora's Rub

Episode Date: June 19, 2020

This week on CheapShow, the cheap chaps are gifted a truly marvellous item from the PO Box. A piece of vinyl so awful that it's mere existence is utterly wonderful. In the process, Paul and Eli will discover a lot about life, the universe, the cosmos and bending kitchen utensils! Why not grab a door key and get ready to bend it along with us? Elsewhere in this episode, Eli's correctly predicts the horrific outcome to another Tales from the Shop Floor and Paul discovers a word that may neuter Eli's verbal excesses! If only Eli hadn't told him what that word was in the first place! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-183-pandora-s-rub If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Podbible Interview: https://podbiblemag.com/2020/06/12/a-special-cheapshow-celebration/ MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Paul is writing a book! Want to help make it happen? https://unbound.com/books/ghosts/

recording recording right three two one and clap are you ready yes three two one i came in too soon do it again no it's fine it's fine it doesn't really matter all that much when i edit well why do we bother trying to clap in time at all just say clap when you like you should say right well then let's clap again one two three clap, three, clap. Right, ready? Yeah. Three, two, one. Fucker. You did that on purpose, didn't you? I didn't do anything on purpose. You fucking did.

You're gaslighting me. I'm not gaslighting you by saying one, two, three, clap. It's just how we sync the audio up. We're ready now then, are we? Shall I do it? Go for it? We're recording. We are live.

It is Cheap Show live. We are recording this live. It's going out live. Okay. Doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot. No, there's no... Live Cheap Show report. Fuck off!

Hello, ladies and gentlemen. It's Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast. The show where me and Eli go for the bargain bins, the charity shops, the thrift stores, the boot sales of Great Britain, and bring back the treasure we find amongst that trash. Are you ready for having some fun? I don't know why I turned that into like a broken English Swedish tourist then.

I'm ready. Are you ready for having fun? You sound like a Swedish prostitute. Are you having the cum now? No, that's Yoda. Sex Yoda. Sex Yoda. Well, we've got a packed show today.

So, Eli, shall we just crack on and get this show right going? I'm ready for fun times. Let's have the fun times. It's Cracker Jack. No, it's Cheap Show. It's Cheap Show. Is that the music now? Yeah, music comes in now.

I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap show. Cheap show. It's the price of shite Paul Gannon Eli Silverman

Welcome to Cheat Show And I go and I nuzzle So mate Hello How you doing mate? How you doing? How are you doing? I'm okay, Paul.

How are you? How's your fine self this very good day? Are you ready for fun? I am absolutely tickety-boo. And not only am I ready for fun, but I've set my phasers to fun as well. Oh, my word. What's your fun meter reading? How high up is your fun meter?

My fun meter. What level? Well, I'm looking at the dial now and it says throbbage. It's level throbbage fun. Super fun! You're an 11. This one goes to 11. No, this one just goes to throbbage. I like saying the word

throbbage. Eli. Yes. Rub, rub. Oh, I wish I'd never asked you to do that It's my new thing now I'm having it Every time ladies and gentlemen Eli says something I find ridiculous, pointless

obtuse, annoying wrong, idiotic I'm just going to say Rub Rub Oh no That's going to disarm my power Oh You with your Rub-rub, I've opened up a Pandora's box.

Yeah, you've opened up Pandora's rub-rub. Let's just start the whole thing again. This has been extremely poor. We've only done five minutes, haven't we? No, we're not going to. You're only saying that now. You're only saying that right now. So we don't do the bit I've just done

about me saying the word rub-r rub as a reaction to your stupidity. That's not true. I'm thinking of technical things. I'm telling you as a co-worker at this podcast, Paul, that I had the volume up. I'm sorry. It's fucked it. I fucked my recording. It's fucked.

Mate. This is bollocks, isn't it? It's not. It's not recording. It's fucked. Mate. This is bollocks, isn't it? It's not.

You always put your phone in the corner of your room under a shelf next to some lead-lined bloody shelving. Is that better? Do I sound better now? I haven't paused it. Oh, fuck. It's all gone wrong. It's not gone wrong. It's just that you're an incompetent twat.

It's really that simple. Right. Well, can we get on with this fucking podcast? I have needs. I've got personal needs. Yeah, all your needs involve your dick and a sponge. Do they? Yeah.

Do you like sponging it? Yeah. Do you sponge it? That's my favourite thing to do, is sponging mine and other people's penises. Oh, wow. What, do you use a big one? Like a big sponge? Is it one of those organic, originally organic sponges?

No, no, no. That have a nice rough texture? No. Did you know, Paul, if you took a live sponge... Is it going up your arse, is it? No. If you took a live sponge and put it in a blender... Yeah.

Yeah, and then left it on the lab counter overnight, it would crawl all back together and become a monster again. Become a monster again! A sponge! That might be true, but I don't have the evidence to hand to back that claim up. The point I was trying to make was

what was my point? I did have a thing I wanted to talk about. What? Sponging your dick. I get a great big bucket and i put that's what you wanted to talk about a great big yellow one a great big yellow sponge you know the usual oval shaped sponge squelch squelch you squelch get it all soapy foamy and then all right and then i lie you down on a bed lift your legs up above your head. And I slap that soapy spud right on your gooch. And I go, goochie

goochie coo. Like that. Oh, God. And then I say, nursey kiss it better. No! We have absolutely no material this week, ladies and gentlemen. We've got fuck all.

Fucking hell. And the first five minutes is going to have all buzzing on it as well. But anyway. Oh, God. I have been trying for the past few weeks to legitimise this podcast. I've been on the radio talking about it. I've done print media with Podbible and stuff. And then the very shame of you.

The very filth of your existence oh wow ruining my guard work oh your guard work yeah my guard work shut up let's just start this show can we just start the show i can do it i'm perfectly compass mentis mate i'm totally i'm 100 compass mentis and behind you and i just want to say i'm 100 behind you. And I just want to say, I'm 100% behind you and I stand by everything you say. I'm here, I'm on the team here, down here in Harrogate.

I'm 100% behind Cheap Show and all related products and brands. And I stand here, behind the show, supporting the show. I love Cheap Show. Paul, I'm ready to do the show. the show. I love cheap show. Paul, I'm ready to do the show. That's what I'm trying to say.

I think I have lost it. I think I have actually lost it. Eli. I lost it. I lost it. Eli. Yeah. I'm ready to do the show.

Eli. Rub, rub. Rub, rub. Rub, rub. Rub, rub. Rav, Rav. It is now time for a segment of the show we call Tales from the Shop Floor. Eli, tell them what that segment's all about. That segment, Paul, Tales from the Shop Floor,

is when our listenership, our dear listenership they'll write in be it email scribble scribble be it post scruffle scruffle be it uh carrier pigeon be it telegram be it uh radio transmission uh be it um secret ink special secret invisible ink posted through a flap spoff uh all right yeah and spoff graffitum be it Secret Ink, Special Secret Invisible Ink, Posted Through a Flap. Spoff. All right, yeah, and Spoff Graffitum. Spoff Graffitum? Is that some kind of prog rock album I've not heard of before? Yeah.

Oh, by the way, on that, Paul, talking of prog rock. The Magnificent Joshoffs with Spoff Graffitum. I've discovered there's a band that are trying to uh steal strewn onions is um uh thunder and uh well they keep sort of turning up in the town the week after they do a gig there and fucking tearing tearing shit down like you know because rocking hard they basically and they steal they do rock versions hard rock versions of Strewn Onion's folk songs. And they're called Mumble Hatch. Don't support Mumble Hatch. Eli.

Yes. Rub, rub. Rub, rub. Rub, rub. So we invite you, the dear listener, to send us an email about an experience you've had working at or visiting a shop. Could be a charity shop. Could be a department store.

Sometimes it's just on the job. We've had policemen, ambulance men, firemen, all sorts of men and women send this stuff in. Paul, it did start, didn't it, sort of exclusively charity shop because we're a cheap show and we're the champions of charity shops, but it's expanded to any work related tale. Yes. And we're fine with that because we're a show that's flexible and likes to give.

We're a flexi format. Here we go. Here's our first, or not first, we're only doing one. Here is our only email for this segment. It's from William. Well, technically it is the first. Yeah, but it's also the last. This is the first and the last ever. No. See, this is why I didn't want to talk about the semantics of that phrase.

Well, you shouldn't have fucking started. You've opened up a Pandora's box and now I can't help it. Is this the last one ever? Shut up. Right, Paul and Eli. This is from William. Hello, Bill. Hello, Will.

Does he like Bill? Does he like being called Billy? He says Will in this, so he goes, me, Will, and my fiancée, Connor, are both long-time fans of the show and have an interesting Tales from the Shop floor for you. Ooh. Ooh.

Well, let's find out just how interesting it is. Eli is our story adjudicator, and you'll be rating the story on what parameters, Mr Silverman? Well, I like, first, a great prose style. I'm looking for a narrative arc and also just incident, you know, just colourful detail. You know, hit me with some

nuance. I like to see some nuance or some realistic bit of description. Maybe a bit of description. Not too much, Paul. So basically to cover those points again, I'm looking for one one a great pro style two respect for me as a co-host of the

show none of this pandering to Paul's you know whims and niceties rub rub ladies and gentlemen rub rub say it with me I'll be judging this hopefully it's going to get me in the mood to be serious

because I'm losing my shit here. Right, let's crack on with the letter. You just relax, Eli, and I'll crack on. But obviously, get involved if you have a point to raise. Here we go. Okay, will do. Will do, Paul. 100% behind you.

Excellent. Let's do it. Here we go. So, Will and Connor, they have a story for us, and it begins thus. We, like most people who have been spending a lot of time indoors over the last few weeks...

Oh, this is not a great sentence to start with, Will. We, like most people, have been spending a lot of time indoors over the last few weeks and because of this, we have been listening to a lot of older episodes of the pod to keep us occupied ah just about fine we're gonna let that one go otherwise it's gonna be a long segment let's just let's just say paul will you overpack the first sentence to

a serious degree and it's straining at the seams less is more sometimes will less is more yeah just chop it into two sentences you got too many dangling participles. Just, you know, lop a few off. Keep them in a bag. Yeah. And stick them back in in the next sentence. Yeah. Just start a new sentence.

Yeah. You know? Save all your past participles that are dangling for another time. Yes. Right. One day last week, after listening to a good few episodes featuring various stories from other cheapskates, a somewhat traumatic tale that occurred at the beginning of last summer came to mind. I will add that neither of us claim it to be the best story that the show has ever featured.

However, it feels very thematically relevant. Oh, I'll read. I'll just do a little cheap show translation of what he means by thematically relevant. of what he means by thematically relevant, Paul. By thematically relevant, that is code for concerning fecal matter. Do you think so, though? Yes, it will be shit.

It is going to be a poo-poo. It's going to be a laden nappy of a letter. It's going to be a sweaty nappy in a park, just sitting there on the grass. I think that's very cynical of you, and let's just find out exactly what they mean by thematically relevant. Alright. So, the pair of us moved to Waterloo

from Cornwall in 2018 to start university and almost managed to go an entire year without seeing anything you would deem particularly out of the ordinary. Paul, did Will just say move to Waterloo? Yeah, from Cornwall to do university. Where to Waterloo? Yeah, from Cornwall

to do university. Where's Waterloo? In London, you prick. Is it? There's a bridge, but where's... Oh, you know what? You've brought up a very interesting point. There's Waterloo Station and Waterloo Bridge, but is Waterloo a thing? It's not really. I wouldn't have called it Waterloo. It's like

Lower Thames. It's like, you know, it's Southwark, isn't it? Oh, I don't give a fuck. I'm cracking on. I don't give a fuck. I don't want to talk about Waterloo and where it is. Waterloo! That's it? You just wanted to sing ABBA?

Right, good. We're moving on. Come on. We were aware for many years listening to the pod that London charity shops would be likely more expensive with less interesting items than we're used to finding in Cornwall. But it didn't stop us regularly looking around for some bargains. He says, in parentheses,

a seven-inch single of I Love Little Pussy for 49p in a Camden Ox fan comes to mind. What's I Love Little Pussy? I don't know. He's raising a lot of questions. More questions than he's answering. Anyway, on a particularly warm day of summer last year, he likes the word particularly, doesn't he?

Particularly, particularly, particularly. He's trying to trip you up. Particularly, particularly, particularly, particularly, particularly, particularly, particularly, particularly, particularly. Eli, Eli. Rub, rub, mate. Rub, rub. Imagine that.

No. Imagine it was the Doctor Who theme, but instead of that noise, it's particularly, particularly. Mate, you do realise that's the worst kind of 80s stand-up material you can think of. Particularly, particularly. Right, shut up. So they were taking a stroll through Camberwell and Brixton, and we decided to look around the charity shops.

From memory, we had a look around seven or eight different stores, but unfortunately, a mix of high prices and stores with little but clothes to offer led us to finding nothing. Oh, shame. We've often been in that situation, though, haven't we? When you and me have been looking around, we've travelled many a shop and come away empty-handed. It's just part of the game.

It's all part of the game. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. You've got to walk tall, you've got to head held proud. You've got to know when to hold them, know when to stroll them, know when to stroll them, know when to hide away, know when to run. Yeah, you didn't think that through, but that could work. Dedication's what you need if you want to be a record breaker.

You've mixed two songs, haven't you? No, I haven't. Yes, you have The Gambler by Kenny Loggins. Is it Loggins? It's not. Who's that other Kenny? Who's that Kenny guy? Kenny Rogers. Yeah, that's not. Who's that other Kenny? Who's that Kenny guy? Kenny Rogers.

Yeah, that's right. Kenny Rogers. There's The Gambler which is a tune about this poker player where he says you've got to know when to hold him, know when to fold him. Know when to hide away, know when to run.

If you want to be the best and you want to take the test, oh, dedication's what you need. And then you're mixing that with dedication by that, which is from Record Breakers. Roy Castle. Roy Castle used to sing on Record Breakers. And do you know Norris McWhirter?

Norris McWhirter. Every time. Yeah, please continue. Could I just say one other thing, Paul? I've been to Brixton. There is a particularly good Oxfam on the corner. There is. Do you know the one I mean? That the way i got the cannonball and the roy j albums so there is there are good shops but um definitely sympathize that sometimes you just come away

empty-handed right so the letter continues we left the final shop of the day which was brixton bernardo's we walked and we started to walk home, relaxed-looking woman who had just left the store was walking just ahead of us, a detail that was about to become much more relevant than we could ever expect. What detail? That she was relaxed and trendy-looking? Yeah, she was walking like the Mr. Soft from the Softmint adverts. Yeah, that's how I'd imagine.

We had been walking back up the road for what must have been two or more minutes, happily chatting away with said individual now walking about 40 metres ahead of us. It's around this time when I noticed something strange. The woman ahead had walked up to the small driveway of a roadside house

and appeared to be pulling her trousers down. Oh, Eli's right, isn't he? Yeah. Oh, Eli's always right. Here comes the poo detail. Burb-a-lut. Right. Because it comes out like burb-a-lut. Yeah, yeah, Ibela i got that i did get that you didn't need to explain that to me we all know that's what the noise it comes out sound making the noise right got it right awaiting eye surgery i was convinced

i must be mistaken however the question will is it just me seeing this in my ear suggested this was not the case. We continued at a slightly slower pace, attempting to mind our own business. But unfortunately, this became impossible as we got closer. Now only a few seconds away from her, she clearly had her trousers around her calves and had a resounding look of anger on her face. We've all been there. Angry shitting. Angry shitting.

Angry shitting in the USA. Not on shitting. Angry shitting in the USA. Not our best material. Angry shitting in the USA. I've got to, I hate myself. Right, next. Come on. Adding to the already strange situation,

she released what could only be described as an angry grunt. Nice, yeah. only be described as an angry grunt. Grunt. Nice, yeah. Grunt. Grunt.

Grunt. Grunt. At this point, the moment we will both remember till the day we die occurred. With another grunt of anger, what could only be described as an eruption of liquid fecal matter shot out of her at such a speed,

it splashed all over the driveway wall behind her. Whoa. I've seen squit hit a wall. I've seen, I've had my brother squitting up a wall every day. Have you? Every day. Have you seen your... You used to get, Paul, we used to get up in the morning,

go to the wall, squit right up it, all three of us. And it used to play a little tune. If you tune your arse right to get a squirt coming out at just the right speed and that affects

the tonal qualities hitting the wall like that a humming as it just say rub rub please say rub

rub rub rub a T-Rub we're fine so she's shat. Anything else in this story? Hang on, let me get behind it. So blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. They're both used to seeing liquid shit.

Nor had we smelt something like this. Although we passed her incredibly swiftly, the smell of the liquid mess was probably the most unpleasant thing which I personally had to experience to this day. And we really picked up our pace at this point and both fell silent, occasionally glancing towards each other in bewilderment.

Neither of us can imagine what the full story must have entitled. This person seemed to go from happily browsing Barnardo's for a good deal to this within the space

of a few minutes. Nothing about her behaviour had seemed unusual up until that point. She obviously just had bad tummy trouble. Yeah. She might have been

standing in the store going, oh, what was that? Maybe I shouldn't have had those eggs last night. They were a bit trouble. Yeah. She might have been standing in the store going, oh, what was that? Oh, maybe I shouldn't have had those eggs last night. They were a bit off. Yeah, exactly. Those eggs. And then, well, whatever.

It doesn't matter the food at this point. Eggs for dinner. Why has she had eggs for dinner? Weird. No one has eggs. You're so weird about food. You're like an alien. You don't understand.

You're like an alien. You're like, you came down. Let me just stop you there with a rub rub. Just as quick. No, no. You're like an alien. You're like, he came down. Let me just stop you there with a rub-rub. Just as quick. No, no. Rub-rub, Mr. Silverman. Rub-a-dee-rub. You come down and you go, oh, could I have a slice of the wheat network slice, please?

And it'd mean bread. Rub-rub. Or you'd go, could I have the juice of a red fruit? And it'd mean tomatoes. Rub-rub. And then, no. Mr. Silverman, rub-rub. I have the juice of a red fruit? And he'd mean tomatoes. Rub, rub. Mr. Silverman, rub, rub. I have said rub, rub.

I wish you to respect the rub, rub. All right, I've got to respect the rub, rub. So regardless of this, neither of us can imagine what she must have ate to produce an effluence of such smell and consistency. Neither can we comprehend the vigour in which she dispatched it from her body. Although we have seen many strange things in the time since that day, I don't believe anything has come close to the story

of the rage shitter of Brixton. Don't romanticise it, Will. You make it sound like a Victorian adventure. Listen, just because a lady suffers from a bad, upset stomach, who are we to laugh at them? Poor lady. I think if she's angry, it's probably because she's angry that she's forcing herself

publicly to drop a hot mess. You know what I mean? I'd be angry. But wouldn't you think, Paul, you'd think there's got to be some problem with this person? You know, like a medical issue that they had to shit. You know, have you ever had to shit and then shat? I've shat in a sea once. And then kids laughed at me.

Do you remember? Did I tell you that story? I shat in the sea and I thought no one could see, but then there were people like higher up the beach, up some stone steps, who could see the floaters bobbing up behind me. Aren't you a charm? Aren't you?

What? I had to go. Are you angry for me, for childhood Eli shitting in a tide pool? I don't think you were very angry doing it. You probably thought you were clever. I thought I was getting away with it, but no.

The laughter of children above me screaming... How old were you? I was in my early teens, maybe 12, something like that. As opposed to when you shat your pants walking home from a gig once because you threw up too hard. Yeah. So you were in your 40s and you did that, weren't you? No, I wasn't in my 40s.

I was in my 30s. Late 30s. Oh, look, this isn't meant to be times Eli has lost control of his bowels talk. You brought it up. I just wondered if you'd ever had to shit in public. I don't, to my best of memory, believe I have. No, I've never had to take a shit so bad that I've been caught out to that extent. Apart from when you did it in your own kegs, walking home from the gig.

That was a bum pressure thing. I wasn't walking home from the gig. I'd got off the bus and I'd been holding in the vom-voms and the vom-voms came very hard. And it was hard to keep the sphincters secure when the pressure is going at both ends. And then I had to waddle carefully around the corner. It wasn't a great moment, Paul, but that's, you know...

Well, it's brought me joy. I'd like to hear some more tales from the shop floor where the teller is the victim, you know? Didn't we used to have those? Like, oh, I shat myself, or I had to vomit or I farted oh dear I'm sorry I'm sorry oh I've got

a miniature hat here what else have I got don't look around your room desperately and just shout miniature hat out as if that's going to benefit this podcast we've got to get a natural ending to this section. Here's the natural ending.

If you listen to that and think, I've got a story that can blow the balls off that, then get in touch. It's thecheapshow at gmail.com

and eventually I'll read them out. As long as they don't mock the mentally unwell. Yeah, there's been a few of those. Can you not do that, please?

Please. We're not going to read them out. Email us at thecheapshow.co.uk. You fucking idiot. I literally just said it. And you can't even remember what I said for two seconds ago.

Typical. Bye. Bye. No, not bye. Hello. Hello. Hello again soon. Next segment.

So on Cheap Show, we have a segment called Silverman's Platter, where Silverman presents his record curios, his vinyl... Ah, fuck off. Rub, rub. Rub, rub, Mr. Silverman. Oh, dear. Shall I try, Paul? Yeah, you try. Shall I try doing that go okay ladies and gentlemen uh you may be

familiar with the uh section of cheap show known as silverman's platters and that's where myself eli silverman delve into my wide beautiful girth like collection of novelty records, comedy records, unusual records, curios, and one-offs. Odd jobs, little boy tailors. Rub, rub, Mr Silverman. Rub, rub. Records, innit, Paul? And you've got a different record for us this week, Paul, don't you? Yeah, unfortunately it's not Mr Silverman's platters, it's Paul's

platters today. Well, who's the patron saint of Paul's platters? Norris McSquirter? No. Doris McSquirter? Doris McSquirter. So, the patron saint of Paul's platters is Doris McSquirter.

Okay, so you do an intro where you go, hello, welcome to Paul's Platters with me, Paul Gannon, and Eli Silverman will help me. And just one word from the patron saint of this segment, and then you go over to me, and then I'll do Doris, yeah? All right, here we go. Well, it's time for Paul's Platters, the part of the show where we go through the record collections

that I've been building up and share them with your good selves. And of course... What now, Paul, Paul, Paul? What? That was not... Even by our fucking minusculely low standards. That was... Our standards are a

plank scale off the fucking base level of reality. And you... Our record collections... Just try again. That's all I'm saying. plank scale off the fucking base level of reality, and you, you are record collections. Just try again. That's all I'm saying. One more time, okay? For me. Okay, baby?

Yeah, baby? Alright, baby? Can you do this for me, baby? Can you, baby, do this for me, baby? Yes, don't stop calling me baby. I don't like it. Because if you want me to call you baby, then I want to wash your gooch with a sponge. Well, that's stop calling me baby. I don't like it. I love you, baby. Because if you want me to call you baby, then I want to wash your gooch with a sponge. Well, that's not off the table.

Okay? Splashy, splashy, sloppy, sloppy. Come on. Paul Splatters. Right. You love it. You love it. Baby, I'm behind you.

I'm standing by you. You're baby, baby. Hey. Calm down. Calm down, relax Here we go 1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3

Do you like weird records? Do you like vinyl curios? Well, you can get your fill of them In this section, Paul's Platters Brought to you with the patron saint of Paul's Platters Why? It's Doris McSquirter No, no

I won't let you take my bumblebees away God almighty She's a beekeeper No, no, I won't let you take my bumblebees away. God almighty. She's a beekeeper. Thanks, Doris. Here comes the beekeeper. Murderer! I'm Doris McSquirter. Right, go away, Doris.

All right, I'm coming. Bye. Bees. Squirter. Is it this way? Yes. Ah! Bees! Ooh! Squatter! Ah! Ooh! Ah! Is it this way? Yes. Bye, Doris. Let yourself out of the podcast. Fucking hell. Just fucking hell.

She's gone, mate. The one-man plays of you getting rid of characters you've invented from your bedroom are just amazing half the time. I it that's my favorite thing to do on this show is ask a character i've just invented to leave yeah a service you don't need to provide to your characters well it's nice it's nice to be nice isn't it paul it is nice so today's platter comes from a friend of the show called Kyle. Well, he's not a friend. He's just us being nice. A listener called Kyle.

He says, Paul and Eli, I just wanted to say. What? Just done a technicality. Five minutes in and we've not done anything yet. Just a technicality. Aren't all listeners friends of the show, Paul? Yes. Aren't we all friends?

Yes. Hi, Kyle. Friend of the show, Kyle. Just wanted to send these your way as I thought you may appreciate them. So Kyle sent some vinyl records. Now, I'll say this, Kyle, it was very kind of you to send me the Ghostbusters album soundtrack on vinyl and the single. But I do currently have like 10 copies of the Ghostbusters soundtrack on vinyl now from people who quite kindly send them in. But I don't need 10 copies of the Ghostbusters soundtrack album on vinyl.

Paul, I just had an idea. Or the seven copies of the single. You've got it. You've got it. I've got thank you, but I'm all right. I'm catered for. All right. Can we just get on?

Sorry for being enthusiastic and full of the joys of life and spring. Right now, as Paul Gannon edits this in the future from this point, he's already depressed that he's at eight minutes and it's taken him half an hour to get there. He knows that there's another 40 to go

and he's got to add in the music and the other segments. You know what I mean, mate? Give me a break. Let me just say to Paul in the future, hello, mate. You alright? Paul's going to say, fuck you, you prick, sitting in bed getting stoned right now doing nothing as I'm up to 1am editing this bloody podcast

so that's what Paul in the future is saying to you right now as he edits this we're already almost 9 minutes in now Paul

right so anyway long story short he sent me some Ghostbusters stuff but the album that did come in the collection which he calls

from his shit disco collection it genuinely brought a massive smile to my face because I opened it up and inside was a vinyl, an album from the artist Yuri Geller. And I had no idea this even existed. Well, Paul, Yuri Geller

was actually a huge sort of star, wasn't he? He was huge in the 70s and early 80s, yeah. It was the late 70s, early 80s, which is the disco era, isn't it? So before we go into the album, I'm going to use Wikipedia, as we do, to talk about who Uri Geller is. Now, a lot of people probably do know because his name's just out there.

You know, it's like the pop culture cosmos. It's like Uri Geller's a name in everyone's lexicon. Yes, he's probably the most famous psychic ever. Yes, Uri Geller, in a nutshell, is a man who is Israeli-British. He's an illusionist, it says on his Uri Geller page. A magician, a TV personality, and self-proclaimed psychic. So, he was born in 1946 in Tel Aviv, December. Geller claims that he's a distant relative of Sigmund Freud on his mother's side,

because his mother's called Margaret Freud. So who knows? At the age of 11, Geller's family moved to Cyprus where he attended high school. At 18, he joined the Israeli Army Paratroopers Brigade, in which he served until 1967. Oh, he served in the 1967 Six-Day War and

was wounded in action. Then he became a photographic model in 1968 and 1969. And during that time, he began to perform for small audiences as a nightclub entertainer. Interesting. Then he started performing in theatres,

public halls, auditoriums, military bases, universities. By the 70s, Geller had become known in the United States and Europe. He was also receiving attention from the scientific community, whose members were interested

in examining his reported psychic abilities. Yeah, see, this is all really, this is where it's interesting to me scientific community whose members were interested in examining his reported psychic abilities yeah see this is all really this is where it's interesting to me because he was claiming wasn't he that it was all real and yeah just when you read his history and who he you know he lists himself as a magician before psychic well you know what i mean an illusionist but we'll say this apparently he never referred himself as an illusionist or magician until 2015, when during a motivational speech, he said, I'm a magician. Oh, right.

But the thing is, is that just based on that short little history there, my opinion is, is that he's a con man. You know, he uses magic tricks to support his psychic abilities. He totally does. Do you know there's that famous thing where he claimed he could tell how many balls were in in a sort of um a container of some sort and uh they would he could always do it and he could teach someone else to do it as well all they did all these balls were in this sort of box and basically all the the scientific investigator i think it was that guy

the incredible r, actually. He's a famous debunker. James Randy, yeah. Yeah, James Randy's a famous debunker, of course. And he basically just glued the balls down so they didn't move around at all in the container. Right. And then suddenly, Uri Geller couldn't do it anymore.

He was like, oh, there's something wrong. Because he glued the balls down. That had some effect on the trick. Obviously, Uri Geller had been discerning how many were in by the way they were rolling around or moving in the box the sad thing is in a way that's really impressive feet yeah that's what to say it's like abilities is is a con yeah it means that you've given us a gift you've tainted it by adding some paranormal aspect to it absolutely but that was what that was all the rage then wasn't it because people were give it some contest it was during this whole satanic panic

era yeah wasn't it there was a there was a lot of and the ufo ufology um i think was also huge there was a lot of there was a lot of cultural attention on the what whatever the 14 whatever you'd call it yeah the paranormal the 14 yeah yeah and i think people like yuri geller became the figureheads for that kind of movement because you even look at like look the history of psychics and the history of all of that claptrap goes back hundreds of years we don't have time for it now but effectively from the 50s when ghost hunting became more scientific the push away from that was spiritualism and psychic abilities

so while they were both chasing the same ends of the argument one was trying to justify it with science and the other one

was trying to justify it with the mysteries of the cosmos yes if we go back to the Wikipedia article it just briefly goes through his career

so we can make a few points of this just for context before we get to the album so Geller gained notice for demonstrating on tv what he claimed was psychic kinetic abilities in dowsing and telepathy uh unfortunately as we all know that meant mostly bending spoons on tv which always fucking i never understood why that was the hill he decided to die on bending spoons it's a very easy trick to do and it's one you can do with a lot of scrutiny It's basically close up magic isn't it

His whole thing seemed to come down to Bending spoons Guessing a house you've drawn on a piece of paper And making your shit watch start again Yeah and I can remember Falling for it and me and my sisters Had spoons and we were rubbing spoons Well here's the other thing though

Did you try it? Did you try to use your side? Very likely I tried it once or twice. I did it. I did it, grabbing the spoon. I thought, fuck this, I'm going to stick it up my meters.

Twangy, twangy, twangy. Wow, has it really been 15 minutes since we did a meters twang joke or something? Wow. Yeah. I just thought I'd get it in. It was all getting a bit serious, Paul.

No, it was. But the thing is, about Uri Geller, one of the things that I think makes him stand out is that he tried to democratize psychic abilities. With him saying,

I can do this with the power of my mind and you can too, it invited us all into this paranormal world, which a lot of psychics didn't do. They were kind of like, I'm gifted and you're all normal, so worship me. Whereas he was like, no, we didn't do they were kind of like i'm gifted and you're all normal so worship me whereas he was like no we can all do this that definitely one of the one of the big elements of why he was huge wasn't it because it was that inclusive everyone can do it the power

he he gifts the power to everyone else yeah yeah and there were people who swear blind that they sat at home watching him and their table shattered while they were trying to make a spoon bend or their clocks all started going off there's this sense of people buy the lie and then they feel special because of it oh they believe it yeah but because of that positive reinforcement they kind of go oh well it's harmless what he does but to be fair to him it was a lie and a con but it was kind of harmless as well it wasn't like it wasn't like oh it wasn't like he was talking to the dead yeah yeah it wasn't unsavory in that way, was it, at all? It was pretty sort of like, oh, my clock started again.

So it says in the article that numerous magicians and sceptics have caught Geller cheating and replicated his performances wholesale. In 1975, Geller published his first autobiography called My Story and acknowledged that in his early years, his manager talked to him about adding a magic trick to his performances to make them last longer. What was he doing? What was his whole act

at first? Song? Well, it was probably, no, I mean, it was probably just like he went on, bent a few things, started a wash

and that whole act was seven minutes. So some guy went, oh, can you do a card trick in there as well? Learn a card trick so it's a 15 minute set and we can sell you

at Butland's. Whatever, you know? Apparently this trick involved Geller appearing to guess audience members' card registration numbers that his manager had given him ahead of time. That's the whole cold hot reading thing

which is a similar trope in psychics. That's what's known as a hot read. That is a hot read. One of Geller's most prominent critics. Which is the worst kind of read. That's the least skilful kind of read. It is. But again, the trick there is not of read. It is. It is.

Yeah. But again, the trick there is not to make it look easy. The trick is if you're a psychic doing it, you're meant to make it hard, you know? Yeah. And the funny thing about Uri Geller is he's made a lot of things bend, but he's never made me hard. Yeah, good. Yeah. Oh, fuck off.

Rub, rub, rub, Paul. Rub, rub, rub, Paul. No. I rubbed myself. I rubbed myself. All right. Good. I often have to. Yeah. No. I rub myself. I rub, rub myself. All right. Good. I often have to.

Yeah. Sometimes. Sometimes it's hard to rub your nubbin. Sometimes it's hard to rub your nubbin. Yeah. Give it all your rub to just one gland. One gland. One gland. Stand by your gland

Give it a good old throbbing With your dirty nubbin It's close at hand Spot a fart at the wall Paul, what else? Oh dear One of Geller's most prominent critics Is the sceptic James Randi,

who himself used to be a magician, the incredible Randi or whatever it was. He accused Geller of repeatedly trying to pass off magic tricks as paranormal displays. Randi wrote a book called The Truth About Yuri Geller, and it challenged a lot of his claims and often duplicated Geller's performances using stage techniques. By the mid-80s, Geller was described as a millionaire several times over and claimed to be performing mineral dowsing services for mining groups at a standard fee of £1 million.

Fuck me. See, when we say no one's getting hurt, to some extent that's true, but that, to me, is outright robbery. Yeah, that is terrible. So he's just basically pointing a map and go, yeah, there's diamonds there or something. Yeah, dig there, dig there for the diamonds. Oh, it is good. June 1986,

the Australian Skeptic reported that Geller had been paid $350,000 and granted an option of 1 million Xanax shares at 20 cents each until June 5th 18... Xanax? Xanax. Z-A-N-E-C.th, 1980. Xanax? Xanex. Z-A-N-E-C.

I thought it was Xanax as in the barbiturate drug. Yeah, I thought that. No. Anyway, Geller starred in the horror film Sanitarium in 2001, directed by Johan Roberts. In May 2002, he appeared as a contestant on the first series of the reality TV series I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.

That's when they put a bunch of bargain basement celebrities in the jungle and make them eat kangaroo dick. Yes. I remember Uri Geller wolfed down that kangaroo dick. He was like... Did he? Ooh, could I have the scrotum as well? Ooh, thank you, ma'am.

Could I also have the hairy grottles? Ooh, a gooch appetif. I shall take it. Perineum, don't mind if I do. Perineum, at this price, they're a steal. In 2005, Geller starred in Yuri's Haunted Cities for Sky 1.

Geller hosted a reality TV show in Israel in 2007 called The Successor where the contestants supposedly displayed supernatural powers. Israeli magicians criticised the programme saying it was all magic tricks and in 2007 NBC signed Geller and Chris Angel for Phenomenon to search

for the next great mentalist. So he's doing shows, reality TV shows where they're looking for the next fucking Yuri Geller. We don't need the one we've got now. No, it's all quite sort of sad, isn't it? So look, if you're really interested in the life of Uri Geller and you want to know more, the Wikipedia article is pretty much all you need to know. But we thought it was worth, I thought it was worth bringing this up before we move on to the album, alright?

He's done a number of controversial performances okay yes television presenter noel edmunds often used hidden cameras to record celebrities in candid camera situations for his tv show noel's house party in 1996 edmund planned the stunt in which shells would fall from the walls of a room while gala was in it the cameras recorded footage of gala from angles he was not expecting and they showed Geller grasping a spoon firmly with both hands as he stood up to a display to bend it. So basically they caught him cheating. You cheating, cheating Geller.

No, Ledlund caught Yuri Geller cheating on Noel's house party. And even though he saw that, saw Yuri Geller cheating at the paranormal, he still seems to think he can tie a bit of red string around his wrist and hope for a jeep and then one comes up his drive

sorry I thought you were building a picture I'm just saying it's ironic that Edmonds exposed Geller because Edmonds does seem to buy into all sorts of hocus-pocus shit as well, doesn't he? Yeah.

That's all I'm saying. Look, if you want to know more about Geller and his personal life, check out his Wikipedia page. There's lots of links to videos and episodes of radio shows and Johnny Carson shows and a BBC documentary. It's all there. It's a fascinating life, even if most of it is absolute bollocks at this stage paul it's almost like like wrestling professional wrestling or something you know it seems to be like we all everyone really in their heart knows this is a a sham but it's sort of like everyone it's entertainment do you know what i mean he seems to he's walking that fine line by

sort of still claiming it's real, but sort of everyone sort of knows it isn't. Do you know what I'm getting at? It's like, it's entertainment now. But at the same time, I just think he's completely an exploitive human being. Because, for instance, remember, he did speak on behalf of Michael Jackson. Big friends with Jacko, yeah. And Michael Jackson was Begela's best man when Gela renewed his wedding vows.

So you know what I mean? It's like everyone's selling each other snake oil, and the very rich people selling each other this snake oil all keep the fantasy alive. Yeah. To the point where at some point at the height of his career, someone went, you know what, Uri Geller? You should make an album.

And that's what we're going to talk about next. Oh, that's a good fucking link, that. Give me a round of applause. Thank you. Link that. Give me a round of applause. Thank you. So the album, it's just called Your Regala.

Have I shown you the front cover of this? Eli, look at the zoom. I'll show you the front cover. Yeah, it's a cosmic egg. Yeah, what is that? It looks like a giant zit though. It's a cover of something bursting through a skin-toned surface into the space. It's extremely zit-like. You're right.

It looks like some kind of pustule. Well, look on the back. It shows you this. Is there some kind of spurt coming out the center of that dome? Yes, like a little emanation of light spurting out. And above the track listing, there is a bent key. Well, this is why I don't like the art on this. It's like I can see what they're getting at.

It's like emerging, you know, something transforming, bursting through. But it just looks like you've popped a zit on your front cover of your album. The mistake the artist made, if you ask me, Paul, was that they used skin tones. If they'd used a much more maybe like a red Mars dust for the ground. Do you know what I mean? And then... The illustrations are by a guy called Terry Pastor. Mr. Pastor, stop.

You know, you need to... If you're going to... Come down one side of it. Either it's a sci-fi landscape or it's part of a human anatomy. You know, he seems to be falling in between those two stools, doesn't he, Paul? Yes, he does. It's a horrendous cover it's it's there's something icky about it i think this is testament i don't know if yuri geller ever had drug problems i think he probably fucking did didn't he well you know what i will say this judging by what i'm seeing online of terry

pasta it looks like he's worked on quite a lot of albums from that era david bowie hunky dory photograph is is that the same guy yeah oh that's nice isn't it the hunky dory photograph it's like a um he's made to look like a sort of victorian or something isn't he like a dandy it's sort of it's a bit kind of yeah it's an old-fashioned kind of photograph that's been artificially colored yeah but that's completely different from the yuri geller thing perhaps he just thought oh this can this Kant Geller, I'll just knock this off. Looks a bit like a zit. Fuck it. Maybe, yeah.

He's going to pay me a lot of fucking money. Ching-ching. I'll give him what he wants. What do you want, Yuri? Yeah, I want a little burst of some kind of light to come through this force. I bet he said something like a cosmic egg. He said a oneness, a cosmic egg, you a oneness a cosmic egg you know a

cosmic egg yeah that is very good can you make it so it doesn't look like a zit paul he wasn't yuri wasn't german you know no i know but i can't do many accents anyway so let me just do this one i know but it's weird because he's an israeli you can't you know it's like oh i don't know it says here in this article by the way, that Terry Pastor is best known for iconic artwork for David Bowie's Hunky Dory and Ziggy Stardust albums. Oh, he did Ziggy Stardust as well? Yeah. That's similar.

That's a similar sort of treated photo, isn't it, of him in the street in a phone booth? That's also very famous. He's also worked with the Beach Boys, Alex Harvey, The Swedes, Karl Palmer, and Soft Machine, as well as designing book covers for the likes of Arthur C. Clarke and Mickey Spillane. Also, just to mention, you said he's done,

this pasta guy done artwork for Soft Machine. Now, I definitely, I owned a Soft Machine, they're a sort of prog art rock group from the Coventry scene, and I definitely owned one, which was the one that he did,

because it had some kind of egg thing on it. So he obviously... It's like his stock and trade is egg work. So I wonder if he ever did one which was like a cosmic egg that looked like it'd been taken in the 1800s or something. I think it's fair to say this is one of his less successful covers. I believe in the trade they call it something that they tossed off for a couple of quid. They tossed off and it looks like a fucking

cosmic zit spurting spunk into the cosmos. Yes. Yes it does, Mr. Silverman. Rub Rub. Don't dismiss me. I will say this. Don't get dismissive. The Rub Rub can't be dismissive. You have given me the Rub Rub and I have

decided to run with it. I'm running with the Rub Rub all year. Right, so I'm saying this about the album. It is signed by your regala. Yes, we got a signed copy. I wonder if this means it's worth six or seven pounds. Yeah, probably something like that. What condition is the vinyl in for? Very good, actually, because I can imagine after listening to this once,

why would you ever want to listen to it again? Yes. I listened to the whole thing the other day and i will say this for him it's inoffensive but would i ever want to listen to this again in any circumstance no no no so what this is ladies and gentlemen is it's an album of poetry and spoken word things that your regala says talks over a very um it's very well produced orchestral you know background it's it's very well made it's very well produced orchestral, you know, background. It's very well made. It's very well produced.

It doesn't sound cheap. Does it have any disco? Doesn't it have any disco elements to it? No. In fact, I'll tell you what, before we get into it, I'll just read the inlay of NISP. It's a bit long, but interestingly, on the inlay, there's all this text and the lyrics and everything. But it's also got a page from the University of London'son's king's college uh from 1974 and this is what it says professor jg taylor i have tested

yuri geller in my laboratory at king's college london university with specially designed apparatus the geller effect of metal bending is clearly not brought about by fraud it is so exceptional that it presents a crucial challenge to modern science and could even destroy the latter if no explanation became available. Bullshit!

It continues, as a scientist, I have been investigating some of the dozens of people who appear to have this ability to bend pieces of metal first demonstrated

so efficiently by Yuri Geller. Some I have tested can even achieve this without contact as Yuri Geller himself can. Others tested can even achieve this without contact, as Uri Geller himself can. Others can only do this... That's because Uri has pre-bended the fucking spoons.

That's how he doesn't fucking do it. Others can only do this when they hear Geller or see him on TV. Results have been written up in two scientific papers and two further papers are in preparation, as well as a book, Supermind, an analysis of the Geller effect by J.G. Taylor, not at all a bullshit scientist who should, an analysis of the Geller effect by J.G. Taylor, not at all a bullshit scientist who should not be working in the academic field.

You should be ashamed of yourself, Taylor. Fucking terrible. I think I remember that book, Paul. What was it called? Minds... Superminds. Superminds. I definitely remember seeing that. Because, you know, my life at that time did sort of intersect with uh new age stuff as we know because i was in a buddhist uh cult and so there was a lot of um i had a lot of access to sort of new age materials so i think that was

one of the books that was kind of uh yeah possibly around but that's it's bullshit and obviously with hindsight we can see that this guy's a fraud. I mean, the scientist is obviously. How did he? If that was a real person with a real position as a science professor, that's just shameful, isn't it? He's fought a few years where Geller goes, I'm a magician. He goes, oh, I've done a blunder. Yeah. So the album Inlay basically gives a little recap of Uri Geller's life.

Inlay basically gives a little recap of Uri Geller's life. And then it says towards the end, two years ago, Uri Geller started to write poems and song texts in which he expressed his thoughts and feelings about being human, life, love, and the universe. He presents some of them on this record. Basically, it's been arranged by a guy called Byron Janus and was the first American to be sent to the Soviet Union during the cultural exchange program between the two countries.

He was the first one to achieve the highly sought-after Grand Prix de Disque and the French government hominidum with the title Chevalier d'Art et Lettres. So he's helped compose this. And then Del Newman and Maxine Lightingale, two people who help out on the songs, I think, with the actual singing parts in the background. Del Newman composed half the titles

and arranged all of them on the enclosed album. So's also the arranger for cat stevens elton john paul simon and paul mccartney and the young singer maxwell nightingale who sings on this lp has played for over two years in london germany and berlin she also played sheila in the world famous musical here and starred as maria in jesus christ superstar So he's got in people with proper, you know, experience. Proper credibility, yes. I was just about to say, it feels to me like he had a lot of contacts in the music industry, didn't he? He obviously had, you know, it's a big production, this. He was mega rich.

He was all over the TV. It was a vanity project of sorts. And someone came to him and went, do you want to make an album? And he went, oh, yes, I will make an album, yeah. That didn't sound like that. And then the album is literally, the thing is, the album is literally as expected. It's soft orchestral music with him talking very mysteriously

over the music. Yes. Eli asked me a question. He said, Paul, does he mention spoon bending? And I went, yes, but not till the very last track called Mood. And if there's one track that emphasises the whole album, it is Mood. Because all the songs are largely sounding the same. And this one starts with a bit of cosmic claptrap and then moves into him basically saying,

now let's bend a spoon. So would you like to hear him bending a spoon via song? I'd love to, Paul, please. All right, then here it is. So Eli, I'm going to play the whole track to you now. It's about five minutes, but I'll only use about, then here it is. So, Eli, I'm going to play the whole track to you now. It's about five minutes, but I'll only use about a minute of it in the show, all right? Let us drift our minds to believing

and try with our thought powers to do something that we never felt we could achieve. Let's pick up something, maybe a fork, a spoon or a key. Now concentrate. Drift your mind into believing deeply. Want truly the phenomena to occur. Hold the fork or key in your hands gently and start repeating in your head and mind. Bend, bend. Also run your finger very smoothly up and down the object, barely touching the metal, stroking it tenderly while repeating in your mind bend bend

Woo Now mate I was listening to that and I was holding my penis at the same time and now my penis looks like the letter J It's bent What also It's gone all crook What happens if you start saying work, work to the spoon?

You know, and you get it mixed up and then the spoon starts, you know, spooning some custard into your mouth of its own accord or something. It starts telling the time. Yeah. Or like your watch bends, goes all darling. No, there's something very creepy about that. And it is very well produced, isn't it? It's all sort of, it's not is very well produced isn't it it's all sort of it's not

like he just spoke over a track the track has been um the music is built around it yeah yeah so there's little flourishes when he says certain things and you know what i'm saying well this is a lot of the album is exactly that track for track although the moods and tones and speeds are different it's ultimately the same kind of lush arrangements with his kind of gentle soft breathless kind of reading of his poetry over the top of it yes but it's not that's the only track where he gets you to do the experiment or whatever that's the only one most of them are all kind of open your mind to the possibilities of the tree burning in the wood oh yes there's one called the lonely man let me just read the lyrics to this very quickly.

This man, this lonely man, his heart beneath the falling leaves that swept away all hopes and dreams that might have been this lonely man, this lonely man, a shadow on the hill. His future came and passed him by. The stars had turned. He wondered why, this lonely man who walked the night. Truth withered his hope. His spirit was gone. He still walked on. Because he knew that somewhere out there, there was a hand, a guiding hand,

to show him the way. To bend his dick. To bend his knobbage. And give him a great big huge cosmic egg. As a poet, he makes a very good con man, doesn't he? You know what I mean? Yeah, exactly.

But the thing is, there is another track on this album that I want you to listen to. It's the only one that has any kind of massive change of kind of tone. It's very dramatic. I think, I think this song is about reincarnation and rebirth and evolution, but I also think he doesn't know what it's about. So have a listen to this, Mr. Silverman, and tell me what you think he doesn't know what it's about so have a listen to this mr silverman and tell me what you think this is called the day

the day the deserts burned to ashes, the day the atoms crackled thunders, the day the winds grew yellow, the day the red was coming The day the sun stood still The day we saw the red The day had come, the day now here The day I knew the end. Did you get the gist of that? Bloody hell. If you listen to the lyrics, just listen to how this goes on, because I can't fathom it. It dripped and churned, the quieted burn. The purple turned to green, and the green became so white and silver, but silver turned to gold,

and gold had dripped to rainbow colours that coloured all in mist. The mist became so heavy, sunken, so sunk, so deep above. The colours dropped to nothing, burnt again, and sown the fields. The fields that grew these colors yellow and they began to say and they began to say evolution must have its way yeah it's about paul the primordial earth isn't it i don't know is it about the primordial earth where life first started yeah no it's absolute doggerel and 100% bourgeois. Yeah. It's track after track of claptrap. Shit.

Also, I've got some things to say. Go. When he says, get an object, I thought he was going to start listing a whole bunch of utensils there. It could be a fork, a spatula, perhaps those tongs you get. Crab bucket?

No, you couldn't bend a crab bucket, mate. You give me half an hour and I'll fucking bend a crab bucket, mate. You fucking watch me. I'll fill it. Paul, just a slight, quick diversion. I'll fill the crab bucket with...

Thank you. Hooray. Rub, rub hooray rub rub rub i'm doing it i'm doing it now um so it's so sexualized as well stroke it tenderly he says at one point that whole track and my favorite part of the track as it goes but if it doesn't happen don't worry it probably doesn't happen to everyone doesn't happen to me sometimes it sounds like someone who's saying whose partner has failed to achieve an erection and they're saying it's alright it's alright it doesn't happen

for everyone you know don't worry about it just stroke it and say work work and hopefully you'll make it magic but you don't want it bent do you absolute garbage and you can see he's peppering it You'll make it magic. But you don't want it bent, do you? You don't. Yeah. Absolute garbage. And you can see he's peppering it with all these pseudoscientific terms, isn't he? Because he refers to it as a phenomenon.

And he says this experiment. I think he says experiment at some point. So he brought it on himself, didn't he? He brought it on himself. He made these claims that it was real. He brought it on himself, didn't he? He brought it on himself. He made these claims that it was real.

But it lends itself to feel closer to a cult thinking that tries to marry the cosmic with the scientific. You know what I mean? Absolutely. And again, it's right in the height of the cult era. It's almost as if, yeah, well, exactly. It's almost as if he's using science to explain his nonsense, even though they absolutely don't work together. And also, he sort of seems to be

using um a lot of the cult new age culty ideas it's like a cult for the masses isn't it the whole thing getting everyone involved yeah it's gentrification of like the occult yes or or commodify commodification yeah and sort of yeah i have no idea if this album was a success it was released in 1974 there's a great article that I'll post a link to on our website from a website called No Recess Magazine that talks a little bit more about the album itself. Although, interesting footnote, it says right at the end of this article, is that he did record a completely new version of this,

completely in Japanese. Wow. So, it must have been a success in Japan. Yeah, he must have been able to speak Japanese. Now, Silverman, here's the question. Is it a splatter or a platter? Would you add it to your collection or would you give it right back to the charity shop?

I would definitely like that in my collection because I like novelty records, as you know. I've got a few psychic. We covered that psychic. Oh, we did. Yeah, that's true. I've got those kind of records so definitely would really fit into my collection and you know what makes it all the all uh the

more desirable to me is the signature always good yeah i wonder how much it goes for if if it was signed his his autograph must have some value i think it'd be more if he died or if he'd um if he'd become jesus or something you know i? What if he actually ended up being the second king of Christ? Yeah. And all of a sudden, I've got a signed album by Christ. Yeah, but that's worth a fucking load. Another thing I'd say is he missed a trick by not making them proper disco tracks. He should have got Quincy Jones to produce.

You know? He must have been mates with Quincy. Yeah. Because he was mates with, You know what I mean? That's not what he's going for. Get some bass. Get some bass. A bit of wah-wah guitar, mate.

You know? Yeah. Discogs say they're 84 for sale from around £2.65 at the marketplace. £13. But we've got a signed one, mate. We've got a signed one, mate. We've got a fucking signed one. Yeah.

Actually, the original LP album is going for 20 euros here. It's a French copy. Oh. Oh. So there you go. Also, I'll be honest with you, when I listened to this,

I was very stoned out of my head, and that's probably why I enjoyed going along with it for so long. Well, Paul, back to your question. For me, it's a splatter. It's not very good, obviously. I wouldn't want to

listen to it, but that's not to say I wouldn't like it in the collection with all my other novelty LPs. Well, it's winging its way to you just as soon as the lockdown's over, but for now, it's time to put away Yuri Geller's Cosmic Bum Egg. Also, you're in. You're in, Geller.

Right, good. Is that really what you were sitting on all this time? Great stuff. We've got to cover all the bases, Paul. So, you know. All right, well, then you should have said Urine Geller. Oh, I fucked it now. Yeah, yeah.

You know what a Urine Geller is? What? It's one of those things that you can buy in Japan. So, if you get caught short. Nah, we should have ended this segment about two minutes ago, mate. No, we shouldn't. Fucking let me finish. This is it.

We're finishing it. Rub, rub. Rub, rub. No, you make jelly piss. Jelly. Jelly piss. Fannel. Shut up.

Rub, rub. And that's it for Cheap Show this week. Thank you for supporting us. If you do on Patreon, if you'd like to and you could afford to and it isn't an inconvenience, it is patreon.com forward slash cheap show.

And guess what, Eli? What? I'm looking at Twitter right now and someone says, oh look, one for the pod. It's Doritos tangy pickle flavour. Fuck! That'll be good. Yeah. I love pickles, Paul. Oh, we know.

One thing I love is pickles. Paul, also, have you noticed? Pickles seem to be having a real moment. And it's building momentum. Pickle flavour everything. Pickle flavour everything. We were ahead of the curve on pickle trend. We certainly were.

I would like to see a winky in the shape of a pickle. I would like to see pickle in the shape of a winky. That's the other thing fucking yuri geller says he says anything you can imagine is possible i would like to i would like to say no it isn't i've imagined a blue fairy with huge tits and uh and a train for a head is that kind of train for a head yeah it's the blue train head big tip fairy. Rub, rub. Rub, rub, Mr. Silverman. Back off. You can't disarm me.

You can't rub, rub me. I have rub, rubbed you out of this. Right, so if you want a one-stop shop to help out Cheap Show, go to our website, thecheapshow.co.uk. Because if you go to our website, not only can you find the latest pictures and videos that accompany all these episodes, but there are links to our YouTube channel.

There are links to the Tony Art merch. You can buy your t-shirts and whatnot. There's the Cheap Show magazine you can now buy physical copies of. There's links everywhere. And there's a P.O. Box. You can send stuff to our P.O. Box, which is Cheap Show, P.O. Box 1271 Harrow, HA3 3NS. And if you want to support my book that I'm doing through Unbound, there's a link there too, so you can maybe throw a couple of quid my way

and I can write a book. And that's it. That's your one-stop shop, thecheapshow.co.uk, unless you want to follow us on Twitter, at The Cheap Show Pod. I'm at Paul Gannon's show, and Eli is... Eli Snoyd, which you can spell by using the letters E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. Paul, thank you. And the awards have been counted up. Oh, the awards. Spell by using the letters E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D, Paul. Thank you.

And the awards have been counted up. Oh, the awards. And I've been given the results. Any surprises? Yes. I've not read them yet. I've tried to keep it a secret for myself until we get around to planning it. So they are there. Once again, fantastic work by Rhiannon.

Thank you very much. Thank you, Rhiannon. Obviously, because the lockdown has affected our plans for certain things, we are going to do the awards. We don't know how or when yet, but it will probably be in July. That's the plan. Your envision,

the deadline is now closed as of this episode's release. How many entries? Quite a few. I'm looking forward to that. We're going to be doing that a few weeks from now as well. So yeah,

plenty of cheap show to come. Doubt you worry, we've got a few surprises coming your way. Do you know how the lockdown has affected my schedule? Absolutely in no way at all. Well, wanking has gone to the top of the list.

Where was it previously? Oh, down six or seven. Mine's always been in the top five. At five, having a cup of tea and some rich tea biscuits. Coming in at four, it's playing on the Switch, maybe Luigi's Mansion. At three, having a nice smoke. Oh, lovely, lovely. Number two, knocking it out, splashing my ball gizzards all over my tum-tum.

And at number one, why? It's presenting and producing cheap show. We just about kept it together, but I can see the wheels coming off, Mr. Silverman. Gabbing, throbbing. Oh, come on. Throbbing, throbbing, come on. I've got the crab bucket and I've got my gobbin, throbbin, nubbin.

Let's end on some classic Eli garbage. Go on. Some classic fucking stupid claptrap shite. Oh, my gobbin, nubbin, throbbin. Oh. I'm trundling along. I've got the bucket and I've got my throbbin on. Gobbin.

Ladies and gentlemen, rub, rub, Mr. Silverman. Rub, rub. And that's all for us this week. Bye. Bye. Hello, who's the nubbin' lord? I've got my gubbin' up. Throb my tub off.

Gubbins. All right? Is that all right, Paul? Thanks, everybody. Bye. bye