CheapShow - Ep 184: Magical Mystery Picnic

Episode Date: June 26, 2020

Roll up (and that's an invitation), roll up for the mystery picnic Roll up (to make a reservation), roll up for the mystery picnic The magical mystery picnic is waiting to take you away Waiting to take you away... take you away! Eli and Paul are BACK TOGETHER... kinda. This week, the cheap chaps take to the roads, streets and back alleys of North London to look for the perfect place for a picnic. It's an episode packed with booze, rants, sightseeing, Japanese snacks, more booze, a frisbee, gross candy and a little more booze. If you head down to the woods today, you'll be in for a BIG surprise! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-184-magical-mystery-picnic If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Podbible Interview: https://podbiblemag.com/2020/06/12/a-special-cheapshow-celebration/ MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Paul is writing a book! Want to help make it happen? https://unbound.com/books/ghosts/

Hello everybody, it's Eli here. Welcome to Cheap Show. You may be able to hear that I'm out and about and that's because I've got a little something special for you on Cheap Show this week. I've told Paul to meet me at a random roundabout in North London. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. He doesn't know anything about it, and it's a place called Betts Style Circus, so we're going to start a little picnic episode off

in Betts Style Circus in New Southgate. Right. Hello. It's Paul Gannon off Cheap Show. And I'm outside. I'm outside of my house properly for the first time in three months. I'm meant to be recording Cheap Show today. And then I get a message from Eli. And Eli basically says, meet me at Bet Cycle Circus. Bring food. That's it. I don't know where I'm going. I think I have to get two buses. So that's fun because I've not taken any public transport in about...

Yeah, three months. Three months. Already, I'm not happy. But we're going to be socially distanced. We're still going to be a metre apart, two metres apart, one metre apart. Who fucking knows? I don't think anyone fucking knows what's going on in this country. Anyway, I'm going to be doing my best to be as socially distant as possible.

This is going to be fun, isn't it? Right, well, I best set off. All right, Eli, I'm coming. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. Go, go, people love noodles It's just a fact of Cheap Show You're gonna have to learn to fucking accept Cheap Show

Off-brand, brand-off, off-brand, brand-off Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap Cheat Show It's the price of shite Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheat Show And I go and I nuzzle.

So I am on the bus now. Heading to where Eli's told me to go. Bet Cycle Circus. Never been there before. Did a bit of research, obviously on my phone, to get the map up. And found out that it's a good two hours journey for me on public transport. On one of the hottest days of the year. During a semi-lifted lockdown.

Anyway, two hours for me. Pad off an hour for him. Great. So the buses can only let so many people on. You can't come on unless you've got a face mask on. Luckily, I do. What else? I mean, at least the buses aren't packed.

They can't be. But I do know they're letting some people on without masks. And I do know they're letting more on than the 30 they say they're only allowed, so... So I got some stuff, some bits and bobs for this... I guess we can call it a picnic, but I have no idea what we're doing when I get there. Eli is in control once more. ... Yeah, I know, I have, but I'm doing a recording bit, love, so calm down.

Alright, I'm on it. So we're just passing through Mill Hill right now. Already a good 40-odd minutes into my journey, and I'm sweating. Sweating like a bastard. So hot. We're getting into my old neck of the woods. Not that Mill Hill was, but when I lived in East Finchley, for some reason I always ended up in this neck of the woods

to do bits and bobs and odd jobs and tent things. Back when I was a miserable tent being sad every day for a living. Right, well, I've got some water. It's hot as fuck. I'm going to just sit back for the next hour and enjoy the journey, if I can do that. It's a gorgeous day and that road you can hear now is the North Circular. I've taken my first bus which was number 141 to Palmer's Green. I got off where it crosses the North Circular and now I'm

waiting for a bus on the on the North Circular towards my final destination Bettsdale Circus. I can get either the 34 or the 232. I prefer the 34 as it's a double-decker and it gets some nice space, lounge about on the outside. Now, I am running a tad late. So I've gotten to what the fuck is it called? Bike Central Center. I don't know where this place is again. Let me just double check where he bloody sent me. Bett Style Circus is where I am.

And it's just a fucking roundabout Next to A housing estate And an M&S BP garage I mean I'm reasonably okay with this area Having grown up here a little while ago But, not grown up, but you know what I mean Lived here

And er There's fucking nothing round here Like at all There's literally nothing around here like at all there's literally nothing of note around here so I'm wondering what the fuck

Eli's got planned maybe this is the episode he murders me and eats my fucking gizzards and then has sex with my skin and then puts on my skin and then has sex

with someone else as me and then tears his face off my face off and then puts it over someone else's face and eats them and just goes from body to body hopping and sexing and killing now you won't do that that involves fucking effort doesn't it the reason why Eli couldn't be a serial killer is because it requires effort well I'm just gonna wait here then he said be here in about five minutes so I'm going to settle down for about a half hour sit then

see you in a bit ok here I am at Bedstall Circus I'm feeling ready for this I've just seen another place I want to look at it's this old Victorian hospital or asylum up the road in Fren Barnet

and there is some lovely little roadside liminal in-between spaces up there. I've arrived here before Paul so I can take the moral high ground. I've managed to buy some ice so the construction of this cheap show Bloody Mary will be underway. Of course, we are a review show as well, so I'll be taste testing. It's a tomato juice Tabasco mix. We're going to use that as the basis of the Bloody Mary course. Then you leave out the Tabasco.

That's the theory. But I have brought some auxiliary Tabasco because I don't believe it's going to have the bite. But I have brought some auxiliary to Basco because I don't believe it's going to have the bite. And I'm looking down one of these roads here and there's a lot of little parklets. And I'm just waiting for Paul to arrive, really. It's a beautiful day. I just hope all my gear doesn't melt before Paul arrives here. You can see the adverts for the funeral directors right on Bettsdale Circus there.

Weird. You know, you're driving home, what, after just killing someone? Killing a loved one? Is that when you're meant to notice it? I mean, why are you in the car after someone's dead? I mean, so many questions there. Well, I just await Paul's arrival. He said 10 minutes. It's been 10 minutes. Okay, Paul still hasn't arrived here at Bettsville Circus, and I'm beginning to wonder what the hell is going on.

Be fine. Be fine. To say it's a beautiful day is a bit of an understatement. It's literally cloudless and too hot. I mean, it's too hot. Scary hot. It's the kind of day that, you know, you'd only be one of your whole childhood, and now they're about a couple of weeks every year. Not in a good way. In a bad way.

Now, the main thing I wanted to talk about is I've got ice now on a day like this ice is essential Paul shrugged it off I said get some ice he said I want to carry ice which just demonstrates a lack of enthusiasm I think for this whole mystery picnic idea as does his his lateness I mean he'll just say I'm always late and that's kind of reputation i have it's like my personal hygiene you know my personal hygiene's great everybody yeah where's paul i've also got vodka so we've got bloody mary's ready and it just has to get here it's a very easy place to find.

Right. Got a phone call after about 15 minutes. About a hundred shop. Oh, there he is. Dressed in black with shorts on. Shades. Here he goes. Waterfall Road. What a lovely name for a road. He's going to stand there, is he? Right, he's not going to come this way. Across the road. It's fucking hot. Here he is. Fucking look at him. I don't know why he's fucking smiling. Here's the Honda shop. And there's Mr Silverman.

Oh it's Mr Silverman. Well this is exciting isn't it? Don't condescend to me, first thing you fucking say. Come out, I've got a plan. Oh, I love this roundabout. Oh, it's great here. Listen, you better fucking get ship shape, my friend. Where are we going?

What's going on? You've totally put me off. I had a thing planned. You can't... All right, well, then I'll tell you what. No, fuck you. Are you ready for my mystery picnic tour? Yes, I am ready for your mystery picnic.

I can't wait for it. Now, I got ice because I'm not a whining bitch. I was on the bus for two hours. Do you think ice would still be ice by the time I got here? Possibly not, but I got ice. So me being a whiny bitch is me being realistic and plastic, plastic, practical? Plastic. Plastic.

Plastical. Shut off. How have you been? It's weird being out the house. I've never been this far out on my own. It's scary. Now, Bettsdale Circus may look like a typical roundabout, but hidden around these environs, Paul, some real gems no there really is what's he beeping me for right do you need you've got water i've got water i've got i've got bits and bobs you're going to see down here yeah i believe this is bet style road itself and then we're going to

cut across and there's a number of small parks. Just to let you know what we're doing. There's a number of small parks. Could be two. I think it's three. So there's a little variable for you. And if you go look up there, Friend Barnet is up there. And there's an old hospital. Yeah, I know.

That used to be a mental institution and then now it's all luxury flats. Yeah, can we go look at that? I believe it even burnt down at one point and a lot of people died in the fire. Well, there's a huge Victorian structure that seems to be intact to me. Okay, so that's for part two of the mystery picnic. We'll be going up there to an old asylum, okay? Great. But let's go in the shop, and I'm going to get a drink.

Right, well, he's going to go in the shop and get a drink. I'm all sorted, so I'm just going to sit here, stand here, and look sexy. Because I do. I'm in my red shirt, I'm in my jean shorts. It's got ice and everything. Yeah, I can hold that. It's got everything in it. All right.

Including vodka. All right. It's got including vodka. Let's go to the shop. One at a time, one in, one out. There you go, big boy. Oh, there's watermelons there. £5.75 for a half.

That one's 6.29. Oh29 oh remember going to mexico years ago guadalajara i believe and being told very very sternly never ever buy the fruit at a mexican um stall if you're a traveler because they apparently i can't remember the exact details now but to make it look fresher, they submerge it in water. And as you know, don't drink the water when you're abroad. I didn't do it. My then part of the time did. And without going into too many details,

was open at both ends for the rest of the time in Guadalajara. So there you go. Between you and me, I'm not all excited about today. It's nice to get out of the house. It's a lovely hot day. I've been all cooped up for three months. Now I'm back. Now we're back. We're back on the scene. Eli Silverman and the sex machine. Here we go. Right, well apparently we start on this public footpath, which was all of five metres long.

No, it goes down further. It's a mystery footpath. Ooh. Now, let me just get my bearings, Paul. Could I also just say, I went into that grocer's. It's Greek Cypriot. Wow. They had some stuff in there. Let me just say one word to you.

Yakuteka. They had Yakuteka sauce in there, and I bought two bottles. Stop looking at me like that. I'm actually not looking at you. I'm looking away ashamed. Ashamed of what? Ashamed of sauce?

I'm getting interference. There's aerials. There's interference. We're going down this way. No, no, no. We're here. We've reached our first park. Paul, look over there.

Can you see there's a big rock? I'm looking at a big church right now and there's a rock on the lawn in front of it. Now, I'm going to introduce you to a local character, Paul, here, known as Rooney. Okay? Can I say I met a local character on the way here? So, as I was crossing over to meet you, a little old lady in one of those, you know, electric carts that she can move.

A mobility scooter. Yeah, but it was lower to the ground. It looked more like a cart. It was a souped-up mobility scooter with a shopping basket built in. Something like that. Anyway, she had this really low cut top on and she was an old lady, I'm going to say 80s easily, razzed it over the crossing, hit the kerb coming in, her tit pops out of the top of the dress and then just forgets about it and just carries on with her tit out right past me.

And you know when you think, should I point this out? Or is pointing it out going to make the situation worse? So I decided to do nothing and just let her have her tit out. Paul, I would have done the same thing. You don't want to, you don't want to, maybe, you know, you don't want to get involved with a lady's tit. You don't want to get accused of like Ron Jeremy now has. Great, that's what you want to.

Did you hear about that? I did hear about that, yeah. I mean, think of the association you've got now. That's what I'm trying to fucking say, mate. Well, there we go. As of this point, it is now no longer funny in the canon of Cheap Show to compare Eli Silverman to Ron Jeremy.

No, and in a way, it's a blessing, Paul, because it was never funny. And this just makes it even less accurate. Can I just say that using the word this is a blessing is actually not the best term not the fact that it happened the fact that it's come out stinging my eyes I don't know what this park is called Paul but if you know have you noticed the little archway what can you describe the archway there that you can see well it looks it's a little bench just outside the church in front of the park where all the stones were. And at one end, which I can presume must have led at one point to the church before the new fence went up,

is a little archway, but it looks almost like an altar of some kind, doesn't it? It's got a very religious vibe to it, almost like an altar or temple entrance from a different time zone. Now. Oh, now he's getting up. We'll take pictures. Don't worry, ladies and gentlemen. You will be getting pictures. I think that is Rooney.

See, I think the original church that stood on this site, which is just down a little footpath from Betts Isle Circus itself. Oh, by the way, Paul, Betts Isle. I thought you were asking me to go to a bookies originally. You know, make me outside Betts Isle. And I was like, mate, what are you going to do? Well, sometimes there are bus stops that are named after shops. Like, you'll have the bus that's, you know, its final destination is sort of Sainsbury's.

Sainsbury's at a certain location, isn't it? So I thought Bettsdale, when I first grew accustomed to Bettsdale Circus, I thought that it must be, yeah. Like, there's a shop called Bettsdale, which is all for stylish bets, you know, where you sort of put it down with a flourish or something. Hi, everyone. I'm off. I'm off. I am, and I take the microphone with me, sod it. So is that the name of it is Rooney?

So I believe it was bombed in the Second World War and the kids who would play, because, you know, kids always used to play on the building sites and stuff after the war, called it Rooney. After anything or because of anything? Because it was a ruin. Well we're going to go look at the placard Paul so we'll get some more info but it is quite it's quite charming isn't it? It's quite charming it is. A little bit of a ruin here you know it is sort of sleepy around here it's quiet around here as well. Now think how close we were to that huge roundabout,

really busy roundabout. And it is quite quiet, isn't it? It's very quiet. It's nice. I mean, it's not. It's fine. It is. And we're going to continue down.

Look, let's start drinking, because you're fucking rubbing me up the wrong fucking way. If I start drinking, I'll start rubbing you up like a different wrong way altogether, and you know it. The right way. Paul, we're going we continue down this hill and there is another park, Millennial Gardens.

Millennium Gardens. Millennial Gardens. There's a bunch of kids who don't care and talk about everything from the past like it's a fucking different country. No, I think it's to do with when the millennium came. Millennium itself. When the millennials came, they came in a park,

and there was a messy, sticky youth mess. Gooey youth mess. Gooey youth mess. What do you think of the landscaping? Because this is more quite recent, because there was obviously a ruin of a church here to begin with. It's nice. It's just a bit...

There's a little bit of a rope and a thing you can climb up. Tiny little hill. And there's some rocks. I'll take some pictures. I'm going to take some pictures. All right, let's take some pictures. Correction, ladies and gentlemen. It was not called the Rooney.

It was called... The Bommie. The old archway. After the destruction of Woodland Lodge in Grove Villa. That's what stood here. The site... We now know the name of this. It's Grove Road Open Space space or the bommie yeah

the site was left as an open space known locally as the bommie throughout the years local residents and children have used the space to relax explore and enjoy you can today see the archway at one stud in the garden of woodland lodge well that's nice isn't it you can see the arch that's from after the war 1945 without when their fence wasn't there and look at this bin it's almost a work of art the way they've melted that bin someone's set fire to this bin with a bin bag still in it yeah and the bin bag has come part of this melted and the bottle the bottle is wedged in there do you think that was there as well the bottle was in the bin and look the plastics melted around the glass of the bottle inside you on the burn. So there's the shape of a bottle poking through.

It is quite a... It's made me think. It's better than the bloody arch, isn't it? No, it's definitely not as good as the arch, because this is vandalism. I'm going to take a photograph. Yeah, we'll both do it. Pictures on the website, thecheapshow.co.uk. That's what I was going to try and say, remind him of the website.

It's a bit sort of haphazard. Haphazard's fine. I like haphazard. Haphazard, it's nice. It's a bit sort of uh haphazard haphazard's fine i like haphazard haphazard it's nice it's a place for kids to just frolic and adults to rest it's very small but paul i think it's not going to be the smallest park you're going to see today on eli's mystery picnic tour of new southgate right well because eli has to mention everything he sees on his way, Eli, what are you seeing right now? It's a small park, right? It's the second park on this little waterfall of triple parks.

As I surmised earlier, and we've reached the second park, and it mainly comprises a playground. So I don't think we'll be venturing in there to build our our super strength bloody mary's but um down past this park which looks as well like it was on the on the site of maybe a bombing do you know what i mean or that there was some kind of building because it's sort of very rectangular as if there was a site that was built on wouldn't you say yep but it pulled your non yep and but paul you're non-plussed or whatever that means by this space but wait till you see millennium gardens millennium gardens we're in well stop talking into the mic like that it's upsetting get a drink on we're gonna get me off shut up i haven't seen you in three months

the first time i do you're like let's's get Audrey and go. Look, Paul. What? Look at the gasometer. Now, don't tell me that's not lovely. What is that? That's one of those big... What's a gasometer? What's a gasometer?

A gas storage thing from the Victorian era. It's sort of... You can see the decorations on the top of all the pillars. Yeah, yeah, yeah, to make it look a little bit classy pillars it's very steampunk isn't it do you know what i mean it's victorian yeah it's interesting because it's like it's it's it's mostly scaffolding because there's nothing in it it's just a ring of metal if if that was in use then the thing inside would fill up with gas and it would fill up the the ring do you see what i mean rise and fill up the ring i have no idea that's what that was for it supports

this whole the canister sort of bit that's in the middle do you see what I mean yeah amazingly preserved that one as well don't you think because most of them there used to be a much more common site these gasometers in London especially North London and you'd see them in Kings Cross there was of them there used to be a much more common site these gasometers in london especially north london and you'd see them in king's cross there was several now the ones they've saved one in king's cross you know what they've done this is how bad sort of conservation is they've built flats posh yuppie flats inside the remaining one weird it's like i live in it it's all great you know i mean well i guess i mean you got to do

something with it and rather that than pull it down that's my opinion paul gannon's opinion like that it's better right we're entering welcome to new southgate millennium green oh this has got some style this park what do you see straight away a weird sculptural person divider painted funny colors and there's local events photocopied and stuck on it and look here's a little diagram of the park we're going to look at now let's see right welcome to millennium green trail here's a large map featuring it's a notice board that's what they're saying it is it's not an artistic structure it's a notice board all right whatever i'm magical mood, mate, because it's a magical mystery picnic. And I'm about to get vodka-ing.

I'm just trying to fucking lighten the mood, Paul. Nettle Walkway, come if you dare. Really? Yeah, there. Hey, I dare. Where the fuck is it? There's a bark chip footpath, which starts just over there. There's a bench. There's a bench.

There's a bench with a tree in it. Do you want to build our Bloody Marys on that bench? It seems apt, because, you know, what else are you going to do? So there's a footpath, and it goes through the nettle zone. We've both got exposed legs. I daren't. We will. Now, this table.

Do you want to drink a Bloody Mary out of? Ah. That's fine. I've got something for you. I didn't think about that. Thank you, Uncle Eli. Preparedness for psychedelic picnics to the maximum. Woo! I can't work anymore.

Great. So, we're just going to go ahead and put this together. You've brought vodka. I have brought, from the P.O. box, from Yvonne. She sent us a large bottle of what looks like a tabasco sauce bottle but it's not it's tabasco but it's a tomato juice but with a tabasco flavor spicy flavor yes now that you could have that if you're out for a jog and you just wanted to v8 like a spicy fruit juice but that particular combination Paul of Tabasco with tomato

juice is Bloody Mary yeah just need vodka and you've got a basic Bloody Mary it's almost like a ready to go mix in it yes you just add vodka really but it has to be cold so I've got some ice I also have some other little finesses because I have looked up what is actually in um a bloody mary paul so we're going to go through the ingredients first first is is the stollichnaya not as expensive as you would have thought because it used to be like a oh stolly it's all this it's all that but it's you know it's not even it's a few quid more than like grants have you ever had grants the exciting vodka no it says the exciting vodka on what

makes it exciting the same as any other vodka if you drink it really fast you forget who you are okay well that's kind of exciting yeah all right well then i'll open my bag because in my bag i've got we need to make we need to construct this bloody mary right there you go there we go a big bottle of tabasco brand spicy tomato juice drink it looks very hearty doesn't it

it looks very good nice and thick we'll take some pictures shouldn't we as well I'm just saying because they may have a Bloody Mary recipe on the actual bottle

doesn't seem to be but no delish nice mmm ok so I've got a little glass there for you

just pour a little glass in here remember. Oh, hey, just bought a little glass, hasn't he? I've got this, Paul. Remember this? Bit of a callback. This was a price of sight item. It's a pocket pint. Pocket pint glass. Telescopic pint glass. See, nothing goes to waste on Cheap Show. It always ends up popping back into our world. There we go. We've got two glasses.

Right, let me just take a picture of what we've got so far. Here we go. There's Tabasco. There's the vodka. There's the glasses. Schnicked. Now, paul because of the discrepancy in this glasses size to be fair why don't we just make a big bloody mary in here then i can pour you out something to that so we get the ratio right yeah yeah no that is sound thinking right he's got a book called what the ultimate cocktail book wordsworths is this the one that had the bottom recipe in it's good for any cocktail just gives you the lowdown you know no messing around won't try and sell you you know a particular

brand although it does say tabasco in this um but that's because tabasco is as well as being a brand a huge brand of hot pepper sauce it is actually a type of pepper as well. Yes, I believe so. Is it? Let's look then. Bloody Mary, vodka. That's the first ingredient. I've got that. Right. Tomato juice. We got that.

That's what that is, right? Yeah. We need three parts tomato to one part vodka. Yeah. So, like, you could measure it with the striations of the glass. Striations. It is segmented. The pint in a pot.

Yeah. Pot in a pint. P pint in a pot. Pot in a pint. Pint in a puck. Pocket, pocket, pint, pot. Poss pot. Piss pot. You know what I could do? What? Pop the nub in.

What? What does that mean? You're going to have a wank in the pot? I could dunk. It's a good dunk in size. Concentrate on the drink and not you dunking your balls in the pocket pint glass.

If you get real hot balls later, could feel that advice and go ahhh. Yeah, no you could. You could be a farmer. Apparently in the porn trade, you know if you blow your chunky load to reset your balls quick for the next take, they had, some porn stars had a great big bowl of icy water and they would dunk their balls right in the cold water. Is that true? Apparently, and it resets, it cocks and locks. It means you can get ready later, quicker.

Apparently so. I've never tried it. Quicker. So why not test that when you're next having multiple bouts of sex? Dip your balls in a nice,

cold, icy tub of water and report back. Okay. Maybe if you're not even having sex, you're just knocking one out. Knock two. Get involved.

Tell us. I am the one who knocks. It's breaking bad yeah well done are you gonna stop yeah i'm gonna stop stop diverting right come on now it's a lovely little spot we've found we've got just to remind everyone the vodka spiced tomato juice two to four dashes lemon juice oh paul where are we gonna that? I've got a lemon. He's got a lemon. Hey. Have you got your penknife?

No. For fuck's sake, mate. It's like you've never been outside before. You're not meant to carry Stanley knives around with you. Will this look like to do in any respect? Cut a lemon. Well, no, you could stick it in and twist it, couldn't you? Yeah. And then squeeze it.

See? You make him tap it. Saves you having to slice it. I'm not going to bring a fucking Stanley knife around me on the off chance you've got a lemon. I said a pocket knife.

That's a knife designed to be taken out of the house. A Victronix Swiss Army knife. I didn't bring one. That's available, I think. Maybe. I don't know. That's an interesting story.

But who owns the... It's not that interesting. No. Right. I'll give you... Melon. Lemon. You got a melon lemon you got a lemon i got a lemon yeah right right what else have we got here oh now this is a problem this would be a problem for any mere mortal and you especially because you're fucking mortal mortal all over

the shop pinch of celery salt oh what the the fuck You've got some Where is one going to get celery salt I haven't got celery salt It's depressing to me that you put more effort into this one episode Because you know you're getting drunk Than any of the last five years worth of shows I haven't got celery salt But I've got the nearest I could find

What is that Oh my god Noisy biker but I've got the nearest I could find. What is that? Oh my God. Noisy biker. Unnecessarily noisy bike. I mean, it's like the Armageddon time sound. Paul, have a sniff of this baggie of yellow powder. Ooh, that is very celiac-y.

It does smell like celery, doesn't it? Now, this is bouillon. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I checked the ingredients, and first Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Check the ingredients. And first ingredient, salt. Third ingredient. Then it's just got sort of... It's a vegetarian gravy, basically. It's got some kind of wheat or whey or something to bulk it up.

Then the third ingredient, celery. Celery. Anyway, I use it all the time when I make, like, soups. It's going to go a treat, and it's going to top off this Bloody Mary. Right, well here we go, he's pointing it all together. Here we go. I'm going to hold the book. You've got your penknife thing, I need that.

Yeah, all you've got to do is stab it. To be fair, you could probably use a key. Yeah, well that's just a bit more... Stick it in. Right, where are we? Bloody Mary. Right. Vodka first, yeah?

Right. Mix with a spoon in an ice filled tall glass. So maybe put the ice in first. Now, the guy in the shop said... Oh, the guy in the shop said what? This ice is all in one lump, so I have to go out... Smash it. It's already started to... Yeah, it's all very leaky leaky. He's going to open it and drain the excess leaky leaky off. Oh look at all that water

That's at least seven alright ice cubes But there's plenty left now smash it right he's off to smash it Look at him one big whack and the ice broke. What a man. What a man. What a man the nice man What a nice man Ice man Was he a nice man. An ice man. Ice man? Yeah. Was he a superhero? Probably.

Mr. Freeze. Well, there was also... Yeah. There was some Mr. Freeze... I almost got you a Mr. Freeze ice pop. You would have... It would have been gone by now. Yeah, it would have. So I'm going to fill it with ice.

Now, you're going to have to make adjustments because the ice will ruin the... What your eyes will measure the different... Oh, should we add the ice after this? Well, no. It's a bit late now because you put it in. Just, I reckon, all we've got to do is just eyeball it. We'll eyeball it.

It's one to three, and how many striations are there? Five. Now, per striation, the cup gets wider, so you're going to be putting more in. You need four striations total. Maybe a little bit more of the vodka, because when you get juice, it's going to get wider, so therefore more's going in per striation. Shall I lemon juice in there first you think no add it last i reckon

add it just before the lemon okay you've got your own version here what does it say it doesn't say anything just says mix in a spoon so it says so you could put it in the order can't you? Yeah. Now, I'm going to eyeball this stolly. Oh, dear. Right, it's going in. That is a lot of vodka. That's probably enough. That's two and a half striations, Mr. Silverman. We'll just fill the rest with tomato juice. The rest, right. Now to open up the Tabasco.

Now this, I'm going to give it a half because if Ben sends it, it smells like tomato soup. Have a smell? It literally smells like Heinz tomato soup. That's not a problem. What are your feelings about tomato soup? I come and go, but on a winter's day, I like it. You come and go. Pour it in.

Oh, it's thick. Look at it penetrate in the vodka. Oh, look at it penetrate and seep and disperse. Now, that it in. Oh it's thick. Look at it penetrate in the vodka. Look at it penetrate and seep and disperse. Now, that's in. Lemon juice. Lemon juice. So give it a stab and then squeeze I reckon.

Stab, twist, stab, twist. He's stabbing it. Your theory isn't working. The juice won't come out the hole. I've punctured it. I've given it a little... I tell you what, let me do it come out the hole. I've punctured it. All right. I've given it a little... I'll tell you what. Let me do it.

Scratch around. You've got weak hands. There you go. All right. Do we think that's enough? Yeah. Oh. Don't splash your lemon everywhere.

Squeeze my lemon until the juice runs down my leg. Right. Now the Ceeleliac. I'm going to suck my lemony keys. Now you've got to stir it. How? Keys. I can't stir. Now you've got to stir it. How? Keys. I can't stir.

Winky. Branch. See, you don't have everything. Didn't make a fucking spoon. There's one on the table, but I generally don't think that's a good idea to use, touch, or even look at. Do you have wipes? No, I'm not going to use that anyway. That's gross.

You could have anything on that. Spoff. Drugs. Spoffy drugs. Eggs. Poo. Poo. And that's the other thing i was going to ask you paul that has tabasco in it but we you and me we like it spicy don't we yeah put a little dash in put

this extra hot put a little dash in you know what just um with the nub with the neck the shaft of this bottle yeah yeah i'm gonna take a sip of the uh tabasco oh oh it's not hot but it's got a kick nice it's gonna be great this is gonna be great surprisingly creamy this is gonna be a great bloody mary mate now i just need to mix it stabbing it with this bottle excellent sploshy splish splish splash splosh look we're out in the old great outdoors it doesn't matter does it Sploshy splish. Splish, splash, splosh. Look, we're out in the great outdoors.

It doesn't matter, does it? You know, the problem is the celery, the bouillon, has gone into little savoury islands, chunklets. We'll have to deal with that. Well, that's what you get. We don't have the actual proper stuff. Fill your glass up. Fill my glass.

Fill my little glass. In many respects, the little nubblets of bouillon make it look like tomato bits. Cheers! Fucking hell. Oh, tasty. Very, very tasty. Is it like that? Oh, it's been a while since I've had one. Right, he's going to wash his hands with some bottled water.

Oh, it's very tasty, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, it's got a kick. Right, well, me and Eli are going to enjoy our little drinks and have a nice sit down and relax for a bit. We'll see you on the other side of the moon. You saw the whole of my moon. Too big, too hairy, too wide. You saw the whole of my moon. See you in a bit. Already I'm not impressed by Eli's perfect behaviour. What do you mean? What do you mean?

I've got to be sick. I've got to be fucked. Peel back the slimy, desiccated and slimy, like a crusted snot. Beef curtains. Right, great. No, you know what? Who's sorry they turned the mic on now? I was hoping I'd accidentally forgotten to record this bit, but no. No, in all seriousness, now let's have a little catch up.

We've made our second round of Bloody Marys. Paul, do you think they've been a success yes very much so what do you think the addition of some fresh freshly grated horseradish would uh would really zing that up and also what about didn't say horseradish in the book though did it yes but does it did fucking say in the book i'm doing you doing me oh god what it does say here Paul what does it say in your book there are countless variations of this cocktail which is said to have been devised during the 1920s by Fernand Petiot of Harry's New York bar established 1911 in Paris. So some French guy went, I'm going to put tomato sauce in the vodka. And they were like, no, don't do it. Anyway, I'm going to do it.

And he pours it in. He goes, I'm going to do it. And he pours it in. He put ketchup? Yeah. No, he didn't. That's how it started out. Tomato juice.

He puts fresh tomato juice. I put fresh tomato juice in there. I do it. I do it now. Mr. Petiot, get out. I'm going to do it. I do it. I do it now. Mr. Petiot, get out. I thought I was going to do it. You taste it. You taste it.

That's actually quite good, Mr. Petiot. You know what I call it? I call it Bloody Mary. After your wife. You're doing the League of Gentlemen. I'm not doing League of Gentlemen. You fucking are. I'm not.

I'm just doing Dirty Voice. What else have we got coming up on the show? I don't know. It's your show. I'm just tagging along. I'm just providing the mystery picnic. He's have we got coming up on the show? I don't know. It's your show. I'm just tagging along. Well, I'm just providing the mystery picnic. He's pissed, ladies and gentlemen, already.

Pathetic. I'm providing the mystery picnic in Vyrons, but you have some content in your bag, which you've just been discussing with me. We had, yeah, we've had a PO box delivery, and we got a load of Japanese snacks sent to us by Chris in Norwich. And there's a letter, and there's a Tales from the Shop floor. But I think I'll save the Tales from the Shop floor, Chris, for another episode. We're having a lovely time right now, and I don't want to read.

Okay, that's fine, Paul. But I'll bank it. But he goes, I'll bank it. And then what will you do? I'll bank it, and then pull it I'll bank it. And then what will you do? I'll bank it and then pull it out later. And then fucking dug it. Mate, did you see that shirt on Twitter? Someone is like a gherkin and it's coming.

And he goes, I'm gherkin it. Yeah, gherkin it. I'm disappointed we never came up with that in the five years of this show. You're the pun man. You're the pun man round here. If we coin it now, then that gives Tony an excuse to make it. So I'm gherking it off. No, it doesn't.

It's not very good. Not natural. It doesn't slip off the tongue. I slip off the tongue. It's like that McDonald's advert. Gherk in or gherk out. Ah. I've never seen that advert.

It's like, do you want the gherk in or do you want the gherk out? I want it in. I always want the gherk in. I'd like it to go in and then come out and then go in i always want the gherk in i'd like to go in and then come out and then go in and then come out and then all bits of ketchup all squirts around the side of it right don't mind if i do so chris the point is we're having chinese japanese japanese snacks they all do sound enticing,

but we're going to have to go to another park or area where we can sit down and do it, Paul. That's the plan, yes? That's the plan. I'll just read the first bit of the letter out. Being a fan of the show for some time, and I've always had time for the source report, until recently I was working in Japan,

ate many a ramen, instant and fresh, and also made custom cheap show-inspired noodles at the Instant Noodle Museum in Osaka, where instant noodles were invented. Alas, I couldn't bring you... What? He made custom noodles? Yeah, at the Osaka Museum of Noodles. I'm having a brain melt!

Alas, I couldn't bring you back any exciting noodles, but I have some goodies for you. I wanted to send these sooner, but I... Who's this guy? He's great. But I arrived before locked. He's the savior of the podcast. This is content that I live for, Paul. Arrive right back.

Give me the mic. Read it. I don't care. And live nowhere near a post office. A couple of things may be past their sell-by date, but they'll be fine, I'm sure. Ashen's deals with worse. He does. But he courts it.

Has this guy, what's his name again? Almost everything is from a 100-yen store, convenience store or shop brand to keep things cheap. He's called Chris in Norwich. Chris Norwich. I love you. No, it's great. So we'll be testing that in the next park.

And he gave us a nice printout of things so we know what we're eating. Small problem with that. No problem. There's no park. That's the problem. All there is is the gas fucking canister of doom. Oh, wasp attack.

He's off. He's just gone off marching. There's a letter thing. Yeah, there's a letter box by a bin. By a bin. Yeah, by a bin. Shut up. Just sit down and tidy up.

We're going to move on to the next park soon. I just need to finish this. Yeah. Cheers. Cheers. Right. Update over. We're going to move on to the next park soon. I just need to finish this. Cheers. Cheers. Right. Update over. Why are you putting it on?

Because I want to... Explain to me what you just showed me. All right. I've got a couple of guests who've come on the Magical Mystery Picnic Tour. Who's this, Paul? It's the little teddy bear that you like to fucking rub. I can't remember.

Poindexter. Poindexter. Say hello't remember. Poindexter. Poindexter. Say hello. Hello, Poindexter. That's all you'll see of him. Because I'll be doing some frottage. What? I will frottage Poindexter if you don't obey me.

You said you were bringing him because you want it to be a teddy bear's picnic. It is a teddy bear's picnic. There's Poindexter. We are going to get arrested. There he is. Look at him. He's a classy little teddy bear. We're a teddy bear's picnic. There's Poindexter. We are going to get arrested. There he is. Look at him. He's a classy little teddy bear. We're sitting here in a park

surrounded by booze and a teddy bear. Pull the rub damage on Poindexter. Shut up. Mate, it's nasty. The rub damage

on Poindexter. I can't get that. Don't touch me. He's here. I can see where you've worn down the fur to the seam. This is a wicked scene, mate. I can't get that. Don't touch me. He's here. I can see where you've worn down the fur to the seam. This is a wicked tune, mate.

We can't have that. We probably can't even play this music in the background. Turn it off. Turn it off. I'm bored of it. Oh, I've collapsed

my pints in a pocket. He's using his pint in a pocket to work as a speaker for the phone. I've got that tune now. Eli is gone. What else do you want to say?

Poindexter's in mortal danger. You fucking look mental. Yeah. Well, what do you think about Poindexter being here for the teddy bear's magical piss picnic? Piss picnic? Piss picnic? It is, mate. It is, mate.

I'm not impressed. Oh, I'm not surviving lockdown. Right. No, you're not. There you go. Here we go. Look at that. I'm sober. Yeah. I'm responsible. You're not impressed. Oh, I'm not surviving lockdown. Right. No, you're not. There you go. Here we go. Look at that. I'm sober.

Yeah. I'm responsible. You're not sober. You're not. Can I just have a little sound effect? Who's that? Who's here? You've brought Cheggers.

Yes. Sir Lord of the Chegween. Cheggers. I'm Paul Dexter. They need time out of the house as well, Paul. Now, Keith couldn't be here for ergonomic spacing reasons in my bag. But Chegween is here, and he's the future. He's the future of the witch hole.

Inside him is a kernel of a witch hole. He is a kernel. Yes, but inside him is an even smaller, infinitesimal witch hole. A singularity of witch hole-ness. Fucking pissed wank box. Here he is, there he is. Look. Oh, don't.

Oh, he looks like a fucking razor. Look, Paul. There he is. I'm not looking at him. I'll describe him. He's very desiccated. Very, very. He looks like a raisin.

He could look like a piece of bark. If I dropped him on the floor here, I would never find him again. Look, Paul. Look down there. I'm not looking at him. I'm not doing it. It makes me want to wretch blends in i'm gonna have to take a photo of chegwin on the ground i've had two big bloody marys right yes that's the other thing we need to discuss now how was your bloody mary it was lovely yeah it was very nice it's hit the spot perfectly how's

the tabasco tomato juice very good out of. Out of 10, I give it a 9. And what about the vodka? Could you not taste it at all? I could taste the vodka, but I don't like vodka, so vodka's vodka. It's fine. I like Bloody Marys. I like the collection of flavours that happen in my gob. And you went for extra sauce.

I did. I put a little bit of extra spicy Tabasco. This is my favourite Tabasco, which is the extra heart. Habanero. Habanero. Can I say the ha? Habanero. I don't want to trouble anyone about being wrong about everything. What was I wrong about this week, Paul? the extra heart Arbonero. Arbonero. Don't say the ha. Arbonero.

I don't want to trouble anyone about being wrong about everything. What was I wrong about this week, Paul? A lot of stuff. It was, yeah, it was Canterbury music scene,

not Coventry for Soft Machine. I just want to apologise. Sorry that I've on two occasions referred to the Canterbury scene in psychedelic rock

in Britain as the Coventry scene. And anything else you want to fucking lay at my door? That's it. This episode ends here. I wish it could. No, but Paul, also, coming up on the episode,

Tamarindo candies, I've got a watermelon-flavoured tamarind candy. That sounds absolutely fucking horrible. You gonna eat it? Well, how am I? You fucking will eat it. Because that's why you're on the mystery Poindexter. Who gets it?

I didn't want to threaten Poindexter like this. This is horrible. Teddy bear. But he gets it, man. He'll get it. Right, good. Well, let's move on from this horrible scene. This is a horrible picnic.

I want you to know this is a horrible... You've got to do a horrible nature trail i'm not going on a nature trail with you now please please i'm okay i'm okay come on all right we're going on a nature trail then next apparently look say hello to keep i've already said hello and it made me gack Baby Gak. All right. I don't want a half. I don't want to bomb up. Desecated mole at mole embryo. Fucking hate the fact that he gave us this. There he is. He gave us Keith and Cheggers, didn't he, Biffo?

He gave us both. He is the father, the author of the line of Keith and Chegg. Biffo, you are an utter bastard. I just want that on the record. He's not even rattling because I've put him in his nuzzle place. He's nuzzled in there. He's tightly nuzzled in, everyone. Don't worry.

Right, Eli has lost it. So we'll see you back on the trail a bit later on. Che. Ween. we're on the move ladies and gentlemen we're on the move eli broke his ham glass what do you do it was given to me by a friend and he gave it to everyone in our club and it was called friends of ham don't care we're in the center of the park on a mound. Millennium green. And look, it's in the shape of a boat, you can notice. Barely.

Not great. It's fine, it's just not particularly well kept, is it? Looks a bit shabby. That's what I like about it. I thought so. You've got a big thick mist of Tabasco sauce in your moustache, just so you know. Oh God. Why haven't we got any tissues? I don't know. You could have bought some. Where are we going?

Tissues. Where are we going? Make a shopping list, right? What do we need? Tissues? Tissues. And? That's it. What else do we need? Water?

Tissues and water. It looks like a boat. It looks a little bit like the front of a boat, yes. It's not that impressive. The boat sculpture, created in 1999, is here because Jerome K. Jerome lived on Springfield Road. Okay. Okay. He wrote Three Men and a Boat.

Isn't that like a clitoris? What do you mean, is that like a clitoris? It's like a good clitoris with three buttons for laughing. Eli's not allowed to drink no more and I'm suffering myself. This will be my first pissed podcast, mate. The first one ever. I've got discipline. You don't.

You'd like to be disciplined. I have. I never get pissed for a podcast. You've been pissed for the podcast before. When? You. You drank all that cannabis wine. You. You drink as a matter of course while we,

because you just can't handle me. You can't bear me and you drink to numb yourself. No more questions, Your Honour. Right, look at this. Look at the size of that builder's depot. The builder's depot. It's a big building that says timber and builder's merchants. No, but Paul, there's some lovely victorian infrastructure

stop touching me there's some lovely victorian infrastructure that is just on underneath this huge depot look at it it literally stretches around as far as the eye can see it doesn't look like a giant ikea crossing this road why do you have to cross it here let's cross it a safe place and put a make a bloody good example maybe at this point now we're having a lovely little view down on the the gasometer which really is the heart of our little walk today it's the it's the it's the beacon that we hover around yes thank you yes and if you're going to look at this awful, ugly new development here, it's just... Morency Park.

What do you think of the architecture there? I mean, I'm never quite impressed, but it looks neat, tidy and bright, so who gives a fuck? It's such a fucking cunt, Philistine. I'm not a Philistine. It's not a park thing. It's just the same as the one we just left. It's the same as the park we just left.

Don't beckon me around the back of a sign. There's nothing going on. You will admit those are nicer. What, those ones in the background? No! They're much nicer. They are not much nicer. They are horrible. That's some proper vernacular brutalism there. I don't like brutalism. I find it inhuman, and therefore I don't find it cosy.

At least this affects some identity. All right, it might be a bit clinical, but it looks nice. It's messy. It's shoddily built. It's not. It's shoddy. It looks shoddy. That's shoddy over there as well. I guarantee you that's shoddy. Because it was built 70 years ago or something.

You cunt! I won't have this from you. I'm taking a photo. People love vernacular brutalism. No one's ever said out loud, I love vernacular brutalism. I do, I sing it loud. Vernacular brutalism!

I'm taking a fucking photo. This is a horrible day out. I knew you'd start this. I knew you'd fucking start this. Let's go get pissed. Real pissed. You're going to look at the Victorian infrastructure up there, then we're going to go to somewhere

we can eat some Japanese snacks. Yes, that's the plan. Right, we've crossed the border from Edmonton to Frying Barnet, no, Enfield. Where are we? Frying Barnet. Frying Barnet, no. New Southgate Station. We're new South Southgate station we're going to cross the bridge

into into that old asylum place hopefully find somewhere to sit hope there's an estate there I haven't been up here I haven't been up here the ice pool is

drippy dripping it's dripping like a baby corpse in the back what's wrong with you today? what is Dave cut that is that a nappy? cut that no that's a with you today? What is... Cut that. Is that a nappy? Cut that.

No, that's a wrapper for a sandwich. Why do you think that was a nappy? What's wrong with you? It's very hot. You do? You're very sweaty right now. It's very old stone. We crossed the border.

It might not be the actual border anymore. I don't think anyone gives a fuck, really, do they? I'm just saying. Some guy went, ah, slap it there, mate. Look at this, all glass. Yeah, we're here. Oh, it's a little, it's almost like a little park area, this, isn't it? This is the place I meant. What, this? Yeah. It's not a park. It's like a little

parkway. It's just a piece of grass with a hedge. Down the side of the rail, it used to be a road, but it's no longer a road, it? No. This is where the road path I reckon used to go all the way past through the building. It's magical. It's high up you can see Ali Pali. Well not right here. But it's much bigger than it appears from here isn't it? It's very big. You can get all kinds of timber and building supplies. This huge Victorian estate, which is what you claim is a... If I remember rightly, yeah, I believe it was a... Well, maybe like a mental health hospital kind of thing, but either way. It still is a hospital, but I think there's a lot of accommodation there.

I hope we don't get turfed out, because we're going to go and try and drink and eat Japanese snacks. There's no ban on eating Japanese snacks, is there? Not as far as I know. Not as far. I'm fucking sweating my balls off. Is there parkland up here? Let's go up the steps. Residents only beyond this point.

Look, there's grass up that way, don't there? Let's have a look at the grass. We're looking at the grass. It looks like a proper park down there, doesn't it? Let's go alley-pally grass. We're looking at the grass. Let's go alley-pally and climb the mast, and then one of us can pretend to be Tom Baker and fall to our death. You do it. I won't do that.

But look, the gasatorium to our left over the wall. I'm going to take a photo. Oh, yeah, he's obsessed with this fucking gasatorium. No, I won't get out of the way. I'm knackered. I'm walking my route. I'm walking my route. So there's a bit of patch of grass down there. I don't know where that goes.

We're on the other side of the train tracks now. Yes, that's right, the train tracks. What's he doing? What's he doing? Come on. Is your phone just going to be full of pictures of that gasatorium? Yeah. Why?

I like gasatoriums. Wow. Exciting times. What? Oh, Jesus Christ. Don't just put this on every time. You're having a great time. I am having a lovely time.

It's just hot. And I'm grumpy because I've been working nights the last few nights. Mystery park number four. Is it park four? I don't know. Is it park four? I don't know. Is it? No. The bommie.

Bommie. Bommie. The millennium. Bommie. Koochoo. Koochoo. Koochoo pool. Can't forget bommie.

Koochoo pool. I'm going to put my fingers up your arsehole. I'm going to fucking do it right now. Oi. He would as well. I will. Look at that view of the gasatorium. Shut up about the gasatorium. Great. I love it as well. I will. Look at that view of the gasatorium. Shut up about the

gasatorium. Great I love it here. No fly tipping. Here comes the fly tipper. Murderer. He's a mysterious dumpster. Murderer. Go recycle like that. Oh no no no. We're coming to I think this is going to be a dead end. We're gonna have to go on that hillock. We'll sit on the hillock. Well who's going to stop us from sitting here and eating Japanese snacks, even if it isn't really anything more than a patch of grass by a road. What's this? I don't know. It goes somewhere.

It does go somewhere. Oh, this is a magical mystery. See where that goes before we commit to... Well, it looks like it's going somewhere leafy. Yeah. So... Before we commit to this hillock by a gate let's oh that goes down there somewhere no that doesn't go anywhere i don't think that just goes down to a little

yeah but it goes to a dead end or maybe the train tracks as a gate or something but it looks like it's not good you can't there's a little pathway going round. It's a nice pathway. No, it means I feel we're going woodland bound. That's good. Woodlands is good for us because we can hide. Hide in the woods and do our nasty business with Japanese snacks, yeah? Yes. We'll be able to see them.

I need to see these snacks before I ingest and huff them. Luckily Chris and Norwich gave me a piece of paper that tells us exactly what each snack and exactly what each one is in. Good. Good. Well said. Well said. So.

Oh, those bloody Marys. Yeah. They've shaken your bimbabs. They've shaken me bimbabs. Look, someone's had a tramp sex party in the woods. Tramp sex. Look. You seem to recognise the detritus of a sex party.

That's your legacy. Tramp sex. Oh, I don't know where this path's going. It's going round the back of some houses. It's a cycle, yeah, but is there anywhere? As soon as you spot someone, you'll be comfortable cotching down and, you know. Yeah, stop phrasing it that way. Why?

It's creepy. It's just creepy, creepy. Do you reckon there is a field on the way, or is this just a back alley? There's got to be. We're almost in the countryside. No, we're not. Yes, we are. No, we're not.

Look at the map. Yeah, I could do that. We're not on here. We're at the back of an estate. Yeah, that's why I don't think this is a woodland path anymore. No. It just looks like a back alley. The park is still eluding us.

We'll find it. We haven't found eluding us. We'll find it. We'll find it. We need a park soon or else these Japanese sweets will perish. Yes. We're out here

for three days. They might go a bit manky, mate. We're not going to be out here for three days. How long is it? Well, that's two

questions. Oh, no. I can't even pretend to be amused i'm not amused i'm not amused with you where's the path going shut up now you sound like my granddad all right here we go here we go we're taking a turn oh park that is prime park candidate. It looks park-like, doesn't it? This is a park, is it not, Paul? This is a park.

It's a park-like area. I feel like we've found a magic place. This is not any map. Yeah, maybe not next to that lady. Let's find some nice shade and we'll have some nice snacks. Have we found a park, Paul? Park? Oh, there's a little path down there.

Oh, mate. It's nice, isn't it? Oh, this is lovely. Where's all this? I don't know. It's good, isn't it? Oh, where's all this? They weren't dates who came from.

Downstairs steps. Down there steps. There's a park down there. More park down steps. I want to have a little peek. Let's have a little peek down that steps. There's a huge field down there and we'll park down steps. I want to have a little peek. Let's have a little peek down that steps. There's a huge field down there. Oof.

Wow. Is that better? That's in the sun. Nice. Now I want shade. Oh, there's a big shop. Oh, I turned left and now there's a big fucking shopping arcade. Takes the magic away.

Yeah, but, you know, it's still quite a nice park, isn't it? Oh, yeah, it does its job. Let's sit down and have some japanese snacks yes let's sit down in a spot where we can eat some japanese snacks i said oh fucking out of breath god i'm fat and old and dead oh come on i am i've put on so much weight on lockdown it's unbelievable have a bloody mary without any of the bloody mary stuff except the vodka. So just have some vodka? Call it a naked Bloody Mary. How about I just have some vodka?

Yeah, you could have that either. I've got my own booze. What booze? I've got a mojito. Oh, yeah. I'm going to have that. Well, we need to find a spot. Mate, we could be in...

Look, the fruit of our valley is thus. It's a lovely park. Yeah. I mean, I thought we'd find something, but wow. This lovely park, this, isn't it? Yeah. I mean, I thought we'd find something, but wow. This must be, like, newly put together, though. Oh, look, there's Alley Pally Pall. Yeah, this. Oh, this is nice.

Let's find some shade and get some fucking drinks in. Let's get some drinks in. There's a little river there as well. A little river. That's why the park was formed around the river. That's what it is. Right, well, we're going to find a little spot to settle down, and then we're going to crack on with the snack on.

Hey! Stop it. Right. Shake, baby, shake. Right, so we've found a lovely little spot in the shade to sit down and have some Japanese snacks, as sent to us by Chris from Norwich. We can see. We can see.

We can see Ali Pali from the spot we've picked, Paul. We can. We can see. And that's for Doctor Who fans out there, where Tom Baker fell to his doom. Oh, yeah, we can see the actual tower. Yeah. I don't care.

Right, so. Before we start the snack. Yeah. Could you please do a bit of research and find out where we are, what park we are in? I'm checking my map. Here we go. Computer. Thrine Bridge Open Space. Here we go. Computer.

Thrine Bridge Open Space, this is called. And it's a little grassland area surrounded by all kinds of things. Park number? Four. Five. Four? Four. The first park was where Bommie was.

Bommie. Then there was the one we didn't go into, which was mainly playgrounds. Then we had Millennium Green, where it all went down. It all went down. And that was the one we didn't go into, which was mainly playgrounds. Then we had Millennium Green, where it all went down. And that was the third. So this is number four. And it is, again, Frey and Barnet Open Space. Frey and Barnet Open Bridge Space. Now, Paul.

Frey and Bridge Open Space. And we're dead centre. And there's a little lake around the side. And we're actually around the back of a Muswell Hill golf course. So if we cross the main road, that's where we would end up. Did you get to Muswell Hill from here? No, it's just called Muswell Hill Golf Course. I don't think it's anywhere near Muswell Hill.

I mean, we're not too far away from Muswell Hill here, but that's much further over that way. So that's where we are. It's exciting. So I've got this Chinese snack stuff. So let's just pull it out, and Eli will be testing it bit by bit like a monster you ready you're not eating any of this no i'll have you give us the evaluation i'll just eat off the back of it so we've got a lot of stuff so let's

see how we go i've got my list of stuff so let's go with let's go well let's go with that one first explain what it is mr silverman this is a miniature cup noodle it's about what would you say one third size yeah i can tell you what half size it's half size and it's got a pig on it pig drawing on it and i do you know what i guess this is this to be i think this is noodles but sort of dry and meant to be eaten as a crispy snack, which they do a lot. And so I think this is actually noodles, but it's just eaten as a snack. Yeah. This is called Butamen, pork-flavoured mini ramen. Yeah, that's what I mean.

So I think these are going to be sort of pellets of dried noodle. Well, he's going to... Don't get impregnated with a pork flavour. Right, he's tearing into it. Don't make a mess. Don't ruin this lovely, lovely green space. Can we assign a bin bag then, please? Just stick it all in the same bag it comes out of.

I'll deal with it. Right, I'm going to try and get a sort of accurate huff off these by opening it only slightly and try and suck out the sweet huff air into my nostril. Yeah, ooh, almost a stale noodles. Did he mention Magenori? He did mention that they might be out of date, but that's not what I thought it was going to be. That's just literally a noodle in a box.

And then it put water onto it. Or I meant to eat it. Does he say anything? Doesn't say anything. Pork flavoured mini ramen. Maybe it is a little mini noodle. Got any boiling water? No. Pork flavoured mini ramen. Maybe it is a little mini noodle. Got any boiling water? No.

I've got ice water. Right, this segment's off to a very shaky start. Well, put it there and we'll look after it so you can take it home and enjoy it at a later date. But, you know, it's fascinating though. That is a little mini ramen, so presumably you put hot water in that. Right, eat.

What's that now? This is... Wafers. Chocolate wafer fish of some sort. By looking by the artwork, the picture on the... It's by Mato, and the fish is saying something.

And I believe Christian Norwich knows what he's saying. Well, it just says, Japanese wafer with a bubbly chocolate filling full of calcium, according to the fish.

Yeah, that's what the fish is saying. It's got calcium in it, buddy. You know it. Hold, hold. It's a the fish is saying. It's got calcium in it, buddy. You know it. Hold the whole thing. Right, he's opening it up. Bubbly chocolate and wafer shaped like a fish. What do you think the huff would be like on that? Like that cheap chocolatey wafery smell that you always get.

Kinder egg is what it smells like. It's exactly like a Kinder egg, but maybe more milky bar. It's a bit milky bar-ish. That's quite an impressive looking fish. Oh, let's have a picture of that. Look at this. Oh. I hate to be a party pooper about this,

but it's just going to be a wafer thing, isn't it, with chocolate in. Yeah, eat it. There you go. Eat it, you pig. Eat the fucking camera, you dog. Not very nice. Piggy dog. Woof, woof.

Piggy doggy woof, woof. You have some. I don't want any. Pig doggy dog woof woof. Piggy doggy woof woof. I don't want any. Pig doggy woof woof. Pig doggy woof woof. What does he want next? Oh, what's this? Hold that. What's that? Egg. Bum egg. It's not a bum egg.

It's an egg. Hang on. Let's have a look. It's not a bum egg. It's an egg. Hang on. Let's have a look. It's not listed. Is it not listed? Hang on. No. Not listed. It's not listed.

Eli, it's not listed. It's just an egg. Okay. What do you think it says? It's an egg, and there's someone pulling apart the egg in an almost, if you were dirty-minded, pornographic way like it's someone's bumhole that he's kneading apart. Isn't it, Paul? Like goat seat.

Is that what that is? It's a candy goat seat. I've opened it. Let me take a picture before you... There's an egg in there. Show me... There's got no huff. Hang on.

It's got a very subtle huff of a clean bathroom. No, hold it still so I can take a fucking picture, you stupid twat. It's a fully bought clothing. This isn't food, is it? Stop moving it. I'm trying to take a picture. Right, pull the egg out. It says something in English on the back.

What? Poyu, poyu, boiled egg. Do you know what poyu, poyu is? No. This is all getting a bit weird. Hang on. Bloody wind. Oh, it's an egg with a toy in or something. It's a plastic egg, isn't it?

Look at the egg. So maybe it's a plastic egg with a candy inside, like a gummy candy egg. I'm hoping it's got some kind of small plastic toy in. Shall I open it, Paul? Open the egg. Wow, it's a gummy half-boiled egg with a fluorescent yolk. Wicked. Is it maybe a toy so you can bounce it around?

Oh, look at that. It's a gummy egg. It's a squishy egg. Hold that. I'll take a picture of that. Isn't that a lot of fun? It's brilliant. What a lovely little toy.

I mean, though. Oh, that's going to bring you a lot of joy, that. You put it in your egg. Look what it looks like if you do it long and thin like a slit. It looks like a slit, doesn't it? And that's where my thumb is. Mate, are you genuinely impressed by that piece of material do you definitely think stretching a plastic egg and

saying look it looks like a lady's part is in any way respectable can we move on please we are moving on put your plastic egg away it will go well really nicely sitting next to my tomy eggs yes eli's i really like that i'm gonna keep the packaging eli's egg collection coming on strong right i didn't know there was toys in there right i didn't know there was toys there wasn't listed it's a excellent egg man yeah yeah so mate i think i think this next thing is similar to the first thing because it looks like it is ramen they're just minis i've never seen an instant noodle paul yeah, it says, mini packs of Nissan chicken ramen.

This is the original instant noodle flavour. The packet design hasn't changed in decades. So, like, this is... It's like tiny mini sacks of... It's almost like those mini consoles they're doing. Do you know what I mean? It's like a retro noodle, but a smaller version of what you'd get originally.

Like you put in a tiny cup. That one, it almost seems like it... You wouldn't want to waste it by opening it, but I will, and I'll eat it. And enjoy it. Well, it's the original instant noodle flavour. That's what he's saying. The first one was chicken, wasn't it? Yeah.

There's a few fish things, so I'll give you those as well. I've only eaten one thing. Hang on, I'm going to give you some more stuff now. I've only eaten one thing. There's a couple of fish things I can't eat, so you can eat these. Hang on. No, but you can eat this fish wafer. I don't want it because I don't like chocolatey wafer stuff.

Twat. You're a twat. And you're ugly and you're drunk. Where's the fucking booze at? I've got mine. Chinkity tonk. I don't like it though. I don't.

Right. I'm going to get you this. Hang on. Let me pull it all out. Let me pull it all out. Is this it? Yeah, right. This, Eli eli is called big katsu breaded katsu flavored snack and it contains fish so i can't eat it but you can so hang on so there you go enjoy that it looks like a great big kind of katsu piece of bacon it's amazing because

it's got a little window cell phone window in the front you can see the texture of the katsu in there and imagine that was the top of a piece of k front. You can see the texture of the katsu in there. And imagine that was the top of a piece of katsu chicken. It looks exactly the same, all the panko breadcrumbs. I love katsu chicken and katsu curry. It's a lovely flavour. Absolutely delicious. But katsu refers to the actual breading and deep frying.

But this looks as well like one of those fruit leathers, doesn't it? It's very thin. So what's this? Just katsu, but it's malleable. What what is this i don't know it just says breaded katsu flavored snack contains fish and it's got the words big kitty written on it oh no it doesn't says big katsu i don't know why i thought big kitty give it a maybe the old half is not working today but oh no there's a fishy smell coming off that definitely there's a sort of stale fish smell coming off that yeah here comes the catsuit describe that paul what is it it looks like someone stamped on a fish finger thank you i knew you'd have the pithy the pithy it's like someone in a cartoon got steamrolled a fat fish finger yeah right i'm gonna taste it his face is doing things kind of confused curious upset not happy happy that is really weird what

what what texture is it what flavor what what is it sweet at the end it's sweet but when you start it's got a sort of real i taste a bit of k katsu curry. That's quite nice. I don't know. I never know with you, because your face looks like you're trying to force out a constipated log. There was quite a lot of flavour happening. A big pronounced sort of back end. A really pronounced back end to it that came round and went, ooh, that's an amazing piece of...

All right, well, you're happy with that then? It's like they've just taken the... They've tried to take the essence of what it makes delicious about a katsu curry and just sort of put it into... Taste. Yeah, bizarre. Quite nice. Well says quite nice what's next so we've done the japanese fish done the katsu next one oh hang on i'm looking for it mother this one eli what do you think that is oh it it's got a little gnome it looks like a smurf but it's a squid his head is a squid but he's a gnome and he's holding what seems to be an abstract part of the design

which he's sort of ripping into the world of his own 3d space on top of the package you know what i'm saying yes it is a yokan kud squid snack containing actual squid yes mate love it this is some of these uh what great curating of some japanese snacks this is some of these what great curating of some Japanese snacks this is by a cousin or it's great really interesting stuff I haven't ever seen that katsu bar I'm still getting over that basically Paul and reeling from the katsu it's like a fruit leather katsu simulator bar all right that was a ho reaction. It's a heavy industrial fishing vessel smell coming. Do you know what I mean?

It smells like gutters. Yeah. Like a fish gutter. Yeah. Here comes the fish gutter. Murderer, are you? Now, look at those there little squares of fish. They are.

Squid squares. Little squid squares little squid squares squid cubes they're like smith's square crisps if they were made of squid and were red yes they're like a thing if they were a different shape thing always having a few oh and gone weird they're very pickled it's like pickled squid squares it reminds the pickleage is very crude like those pickled sausages we had on the show like one of the really early shows yeah remember we had a pickled egg yeah chili pickled egg and those pickled sausage that's what that reminds me of it's pickled i quite like it you go oh gross i like this it's got a really nice squid texture. Pliancy that you only get. Rubbery but pliant.

Lovely. Well, that's great. Next. Oh, that's something special, man. Next. Very good. Next is this one. It looks similar and it looks fiery.

It looks like there's a Japanese Elvis Indian guy. I'm not quite sure how this works. This is more squid, is it? And it's got a no this is yokan spicy curry snack contains fish you said send a load of fish one so i i got a get out clause didn't you no no there are all the ones that aren't fish based but we're tasting yeah yeah take a picture of that come on look i'm sitting in the park and you're just feeding me and feeding me like some kind of feeder they're spicy fishy snack crunch thing i don't know there's not crunch

if it's anything to go by by the known one they seem to be the similar sort of branding do you know what i mean with a cartoon character this is a guy in a turban and he's got a gravy boat in one hand and a ladle in the other and he has disco shoes um i think what the story that's being portrayed by this packaging paul is that these are those little squid men there there's a squid men from this look yes same characters i've just made a breakthrough here okay you didn't know that why weren't you saying it if you didn't know if you know right i'm gonna huff it the curry squid square thing i've smelled just like that but with curry but it's very chip shop it's very you know but that's what that japanese katsu curry is very much closer to what you'd get

in the north of england is it isn't it it's not like an Indian or subcontinental, is it? Chip curry sauce is a very particular kind of curry sauce you don't get really anywhere else. But it's closer to Japanese curry sauce than it is to like

Indian. Do you know what I mean? Do you think that's because when a lot of Chinese people came over to England and opened up chip shops and they used that sauce? That's exactly why.

Have a Hufflepuff on that. Can you smell the chip shop curry? I can smell the chip on that doesn't that can you smell the chips i can smell the chips but i also could smell like the beach it's very beachy whereas that first one that's very much industrial fishing fishing vessel you know number five the scrapings the deadliest catch of snacks this is very much more like the beach but someone's got a chippy on the beach and you've got some curry out there. I've just done a two-deeper huff on those. These are actually a different shape. These are more oblong than the squares that the squid were.

And they have a dusting. They look like golden grahams. I keep saying that. Every time you bite something, your face goes, oh, I don't like this. And then two seconds later you say, oh, this is nice. These these are not as nice at all they're kind of rubbery in a tough way they don't have the pliancy of the last squid product there's some heat coming through now the texture isn't as good it's more rough it's more um fibrous it's more treated and it sort of doesn't give under the tooth do you know what what I mean? A bit plasticky. Yeah.

I don't like those. That's the worst thing so far. Oh, that's a shame. Right, next. Let's move it on. Keep this train moving along. Hooty, hooty. Right, I don't want any of these because I just don't like them.

But these are for you. You have to taste. Oh, I'll taste one. But only if you want to open them. It is A. Amazing. This is. Wow. Hang on. Hang on, A. This is. Wow. Hang on.

Hang on, Mr. Man Wearing. These are carinto, which is traditional candy made from sugar and flour. They're like little biscuit things. I guess so. Like. You've never tried them? No.

I actually thought they were rice crackers, so I'm fine to taste these because I don't like rice crackers. The smell puts me off. Okay, fine. If it's seeing as you're going to join me for the first time during this whole segment in tasting these why don't you do the half here we go doesn't smell of much no it's a bit seaweed II a bit sort of stale smelling isn't it have a little taste ohy, a bit sort of stale smelling, isn't it?

Have a little taste. I'm going to go for one of these long thin ones. Oh, I'm going to grab this little thing here, whatever this is. Sesame. I'm going to say that without spraying it all over me. Sesame, sugar, it's flour, that's all that's in there. Right, I'm going to test this one. I think it's the same but differently shaped. It's nice, it's just sweet.

You like that? Mmm sweet that's really nice I could imagine that with a cup of green tea lovely you know I mean and like biscuits yeah like biscuits they're kind of like um biscuits they're very nice all All right. Good. Next. What have we got? Oh. Right. Next. I think we've got... These are sweet potato crisps.

Yeah, sweet potato crisps. That's exactly what these are. Paul, have you ever tried these before? I don't think I have, actually. But do you remember when I had cassava chips? They were really nice. Yeah. I bought those.

But sweet potato is not cassava. I don't know. No, sweet potato potatoes those orange things that make soggy chips that healthy people tried to pretend they like better than i do like sweet potato crisp chips though you have to admit they often come and they're very soggy and disappointing they don't have any crispness so why do that just get the potato chip anyway these are sweet potatoes. So, sound crispy. Let's go in for the huff. Straight nose in. Smells like chocolate.

And farts. Does it? Yeah. Do you know what I mean? It does. Chocolate and farts. It smells like someone shat in Willy Wonka's lake. Chocolate and farts.

It smells like someone shat in Willy Wonka's lake. It really smells like something someone has used to try and cover up their child's diarrhoea, doesn't it? Wow. But they look like skips or quavers. Samantha, the little baby shat all over the bedroom. Just spray it with linked chocolate, you'll be fine. Exactly. That's what it smells like, isn't it?

I'm going to try it. It's almost. You'll be fine. Exactly. That's what it smells like, isn't it? I'm going to try it. It's almost got a kind of quaver-y texture. Yeah, a quaver or a skiff, it looks like. Yeah, it is. They're very sweet. Sweet. What is this thing with sweet...

Well, it's sweet potato, isn't it? But there's added sugar in these. There's added sugar in that. That's almost syrupy. It just... I just want... I'm waiting for the salt to hit, and it never does.

Do you know what I mean? And the flavour doesn't last that long. It's sweet, and then it goes dry quite quickly. It's not unpleasant, but it's a bit underwhelming. You can see it's almost like a refinement. You can see from this product why they love to...

They're perfectly happy to have things that are sweet as their crisp flavours over there, don't they? Yeah. Do you know what I mean? We had that strawberry crisps over there, don't they? Yeah. Do you know what I mean? We had that strawberry crisps and things, didn't we? And there's several ones.

There was the melon one. When it gets to the extreme, wasn't there a melon soda flavoured crisp we tried? But this, it seems like it works better. Do you know what I mean? That kind of idea of a sort of potato chip that's... It works better with these ones. But that's all I'll say for it, because it's...

Fine. It's that thing, isn't it? It's that weird thing. Next is this. I don't know what this is. Hang on. Oh, these look good. Sapporo potato vegetable sticks.

These would be nice. Right, I'll do the half. What flavour are these meant to be? It doesn't say. It just says vegetable sticks. There's vegetables on the packet. There's a talking potato who's won a medal or won a band. That potato's won Miss World or something.

No, it would win Miss Potato. No, it wouldn't. Miss World does not win Miss Potato. No. So if you're wearing a sash that says Potato, you haven't won Miss World and they've given you a sash saying Potato. You've won Miss Potato. Anyway, I'm not going down that potato hole with you.

I'll go down that potato hole. Oh, I don't know what it is with this one and the last one. Distinct fartinish. Fartinish? Let's have a look at the fosh. No, it's not that farty. What's that smell of to you? Like all these vegetable snacks, they smell artificially natural.

Now, which is the British snack that this is closest to in appearance, first of all? French fries. And what is the taste like? Kind of garlicky and herby. Nice. And they've got a nice crunch to them. And the texture's really nice.

Those are really nice. Yeah. It's like a crunchy pizza dip. Yeah. It's got a slightly that pizza flavour to it, doesn't it? Yes. Which is the mixture. Because there's pepper and onion and carrot and a leaf of some sort in the actual

virtual and the chips are all colored colored with little flecks of color they were flecks oh they're really nice yeah they are really nice give me some i think it's because the actual texture is really nice because i've always loved french fry chips potato chips smith's i think really nice i can fucking shovel them in my gob until i bleed but they are different from chipsticks which have a much rougher and more observent texture yeah chipsticks are the rougher ones and the french fries are just like these like the thin smooth potato stick smooth yeah oh yeah yeah i'm having a moment mate now what's the last thing right we've got two small things and the rest of candies that i'm having There's chocolate cigarettes in a little cigarette pack like you used to get in...

Oh, I want some of these. Yeah, there's... Well, I'll tell you what these are. These are little tins. They're little plastic things that look like soft drink cans. And they're just called soft drink candies. There's a raspberry, coke and a blue. The grape one.

Can I have the grape one, please? I like grape. You can have grape. I want... What's the blue one? I don't know. The sours. Those are sours.

You like sours. Oh, I like... And there's a cola one. You like those. can have grape i want the blue one i don't know this oh i like and there's a cola one you like those you like both of those yeah oh eli's gone rooting in the bag oh what you found japanese puzzle eraser what's the puzzle what's the puzzle man we're gonna have to look online because i have no way of discerning what the puzzle is i want make you do some research can't you at home because i don't don't bring it here. I'm not interested. We're not tasting any of these sweets. Hang on, what is that one?

Choco bat. Choco covered biscuit is that one. So you're not going to taste that? No. And then this one. No, I am. These are all candies. I want to have these at home.

Nice. This is cola and cider lemonade soft candy. Come on, mate. Crack that one open. Yeah. Cajurical. Cajurical. Oh, wow.

What? Let's have a sniff. You will be able to retrieve that from nostalgia. Oh, mate. That just tastes exactly like the Chew It Cola that you gave us. Chew It Cola. That we were just tasting before. How strange, because I just bought you a packet of Chew It Colas.

I've dropped them off. The wind's getting in. Show me the tip. Right, bite it. And I'm going to bite it from's getting in. Show me the tip. Right, bite it. And I'm going to bite it from the other end. Oh, that's nice, isn't it? And it does have a kind of lemonade-y kind of false fizz in the middle. And a little bit of... Oh.

Oh. They're good at sweets, aren't they? I mean, so are lots of other people. But I'm just saying, these are nice sweets. The Japanese gummy candies tend to be more adventurous in some respect. Yeah. And a bit more kind of cartoony. It's because they're sort of doing, like with a lot of Japanese culture,

they're able to incorporate things from other parts of the world. But they'd make it their own. Do you know what I mean? Oh, mate. Where's the sausage? There should be a little dried sausage in there. Maybe it's in the bag it fell out. All right, let's taste these.

These are Cal... Hang on. i'll read the fucking letter i'm beginning to have problems focusing because i've had two drinks this is potato grilled chicken and beef snacks soporo so it just says beef and chicken flavored snacks paul but i've noticed that potato with who's once won something is back because they're the same company calby look and there's another speech bubble where you can write but they put the lines in there for you to write on maybe you meant to write a message like hi honey have a good day at school here's some crisps maybe it's that you personalize it for your child yes right so they said beef and what and there's a picture of beef on the grill chicken or beef and chicken yeah now that's something you wouldn't get no not in a mixed bag you wouldn't get that mixed on it on like walkers would you open it up will be very important on this one

yeah we'll go for it i'm looking i'll tell you what i'm looking for on the huff on this paul is um a distinct beef and then a distinct chicken and i want them separate two modules i want it to have good amplitude in that i want both of them to be as strong as each other. Yeah. Do you see what I mean? Eat the fucking Chris you boring wanker. Too much chicken. I'm getting too much chicken. Oh there's a robin and it's flown away. Nice. These are like super, these are lattice little golden graham sort of shape. Oh, they're like those bobbies. Bobbies. Say no more. Say no more.

Just we both know. We looked in each other's eyes there, and we had a bobbies moment. So. Let's have a test. They're so good. I'll have a little handful. So good. Again, it's that Japanese thing where they take a flavour,

and they just do it so exactly. Do you know what I mean? That's very satisfying because you can taste the chicken, but you can taste the beef. And they're both in there and they're both cuddling your tongue. Man, that's a crazy good Chris. This company, Cowbee, their potato as well. Their pure potato and it's got that potato taste. Lovely.

Delicious. Those two, the Cowbee. I'm close to the mic. I can't reach further anymore. as well they're pure potato and it's got that potato taste lovely delicious those two the cow close to the mic i can't reach further anymore i'm just saying a good question right and i think the last thing is this chicken flavored ramen snack dry eat so this is what i think you were getting at the very start we've had this conversation so many times on this podcast we're so confused about it aren't we we were both convinced this was going to be this first one was going to be an actual snap i'd never come across actual miniature instant ramen before you know serving a tiny cup you know well i'll be it's like taking a shot of ramen it's again it's like those mini consoles it's like all the you know remember when you used to have these

noodles here's a little taste hang on do you think that robin's gonna that robin's interested those mini consoles. It's like, all the, you know, remember when you used to have these noodles? Here's a little taste. Hang on, do you think that Robin's going to, that Robin's interested? That Robin's interested in our Japanese snacks. You can,

you may look innocent, Mr, look at him, look at him. Hang on, I'm going to take a picture. Look, don't,

don't, wait, I'm going to take a picture. Quiet. He knows what's going on, that little prick. You are, you're putting a little

bread trail down. Is he going down for it? He looks like he's checking it out, mate mate he's checking out these little bits of uh beef and chickens flavored look at the look he's given me what was the look he's given it was like your move asshole he knows this is his territory man we're just visitors here he's very calmly he's just noticed all of the bits he's got no competition from any pigeons or anything there he goes down oh yeah he's excellent he's trying his luck he's giving himself allowances he's cool is that a robin yeah but it doesn't have that distinct red breast and

it's quite brown it's good the coloring is quite brown maybe it's the time of year maybe the plumage isn't right this time of year it It could be, or it could be the female, because the females in those birds are often duller than the males who flaunt around. I think that's what it is. I think it's a lady. Anyway, that's the end of the Japanese segment. Stop there.

He's right. Get a place in those noodles. All right, eat them quick, then. Fucking aping. There's meant to be a little mini sausage, and I can't find it, so I'll pull it. Where's your mini sausage? That's not a mini sausage sausage and i can't find it so if i pull your mini sausage oh that's not a mini sausage maybe i didn't pack it maybe i forgot maybe it fell out

maybe you're born with it maybe you're maybelline yay tiny sausage i'm so fucking glad i found that right look at that it's like a tiny miniature slim jim isn't it yeah it's called it just says just says dried sausage again it's a truck stop food a slim jim in the states and i said earlier that those squid cubes reminded me of the pickled um yeah pickled sausage so first before we do the dry yeah let's do just quickly appraise these um dry noodles edible dried noodles and but what does it say the flavor is of this chicken flavored ramen snack thank you i don't didn't remember you don't know a piece of paper if you don't things like checking whether it's chicken flavor no half to speak of no half to speak i'll get in there i'm gonna open this little tin of fake cola

and see eight one the cola snacks it's my shiz i've got to open it like a little bottle oh it comes with a little flap yeah cool oh i like this little pellets oh soft crumble cola. Oh, shit. Oh, he's having the ramen. They're so nice, these ramen, man. They're so miso-y. They're like Twiglets. Have a go. Get off, I'm going to have a go. Oh, almost burnt.

What, nice burnt? You know what I mean? But also a bit of a Twiglet-y, almost mustard-y kick. And Marmite-y, almost. Well, mate, what we should do is just turn off this recorder and just... No.

It takes too much time and I can't be arsed. I just want to chill now, eat some snacks. We're having a picnic. Tell the listeners you're lazy and you don't want

to finish this segment properly. I am lazy. I don't want to fish at it properly, properly. It's already 25 minutes including the 10 before. That's like a good

half an hour of this segment eating snacks. It's not... We're having a picnic. We could have an appraisal of these fucking snacks. Pick your top three things now. Squid cubes, katsu, liver.

It's hard to pick between the Cali Bees, but I think in terms of pure deliciousness, it has to be the chicken. Yeah, nice choice. My choice is the beef and chicken. I like that. I actually like the candy flour. Yeah, nice little nice little nibbles and we haven't tried the sausage let's end on a sausage I actually like the candy I'd have the candy he's

opening his sausage up I need scissors or something no just bite it just fucking bite it I can't it's very tough plastic all right one sec you can tear the top you stupid arse. Ow! There's a flap, if you look at it there's a flap and you can tear it. See it's got a thing, you pull it apart. Oh mate. There you go, see job done.

Smells like Slim Jim. Are you tasting this sausage? Yeah, I'll bite one end and you bite the other end. It tastes like Slim Jim. Very much so. But slightly sweeter. What a lovely picnic we're having. Let's just sit back now, Eli.

Enjoy our snacks and drinks for a bit. Just chill. Let's turn the podcast off and just have a lovely picnic in the shade in this lovely green looking at Ali Pali and a dog taking a piss on a bin. Okay, mate. Okay.

No. I'm not letting you speak into the microphone. We have decided, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, that we're going to stay in this spot because it's nice and it's peaceful and there's a slope and we can see the... Am I allowed to be in my own podcast? No. Am I allowed to be in my own podcast?

It's not your podcast. All right, whatever, the podcast. Am I allowed to be in this podcast now bring me the mic I'm rubbing my chin with you get off

you touch it you touch it and I'll bite your hands off it was all fucking nice before you said record and then it's like you can't what have you done that for

and then I'm like let's just have a a pax a peace an on air peace piece a piece of cord i have a piece of paper oh look litter and i'm going to put this in the bin the cost to put in the put in the bin keep britain tidy you've done your civic duty there you've taken a unsightly cost a cup which just looked like it had some sticky residue. Now pick up all these

several thousand cigarette butts strewn everywhere up here. Strewn onions! No I'm not touching anything it's all grotty grue. So we decided we're gonna stay here on this little patch of grass because it's quite nice. It's quite nice isn't it? It's idyllic hereul and we're on a lovely lovely park which is literally just the soft verge of a motorway you've got the um north circular down there yeah but it is a lovely park isn't it it's a little quiet space that i've never seen before and look there's a little bench we could maybe walk down to the bench and watch the cars go by and what i was saying to paul earlier was there's a real contrast this part of london in

general between the massive roads and big industrial bits but then you've got like the old countryside that used to be outside london and it's just this kind of surreal mix of like the extremely banal rundown and horrible sort of brutalist elements but with the park park strewn all over the park place as well bubbles of nature that keep us all sane can you imagine living in a world without these little parklets yeah parklets I was just listening to a podcast about um Brooklyn or Manhattan and the guy just went out and just part of the out into these square bits because they were trying to sell the land and that's why it's just this massive plane of grid and it's terrible because there's no park until there was no park until they built yeah but then

that's just that's the only park London isn't like that at all there's parks it's a holo almost like a fractal the parks go down to the minutest scale sometimes it's just like under a overpass you know what i mean there's like a path just like where there was a house and there's just a sort of one bench one path i was going to take you up there actually but we got there's a little one up there like that was fine well right of course so just for the record ladies and gentlemen eli's had a few drinks i've had a a few drinks. And he's a naughty boy. We've been very naughty. And hey, I've got a Frisbee.

I can't do Frisbees, mate. We've had this discussion. I can't do Frisbees. I can't do Frisbees. Oh, it's your little stupid Frisbee that comes in a little haversack pack or whatever it is it's his little bendy uh it pops up look at him look at him he's like a little doggy look at it oh isn't he adorable and it's in a tree no i'm not picking it up go on why don't you lock more it's good though isn't it

come on throw it and catch it. No. Stop the video right now. It wasn't video in it. I was trying to take a picture. Great work. Oh, it looks like you're chasing a UFO. I managed to catch it. Let's take some kick-ass video.

Here we go. Oh, look at this. Eli playing with his Frisbee. I'm not touching it. I'm just having a sit down it. What you've just done it once. He's knackered lying over a bench and he only threw it once. Twice. You didn't. Not a lot. Not a lot. Look at you. What a sad sight. So what we doing? He wants more booze. He wants more booze, ladies and gentlemen. We're on booze.

I'm going to have my other booze as well. I'm going to have my booze. And then I've had all my booze. And I don't... You know what? The concern is not being drunk. Having to piss. Just go in the bush.

I don't need to go yet. That's the problem. It's lurking. We all know you've needed to piss since you arrived. I haven't and I don't. And right now I don't need to. What do's the problem it's lurking we all know you've needed to piss since you arrived i haven't and i don't and right now i don't need to think about it then i'm future-proofing my trip home you're gonna have to piss at some point well look my plan is maybe what i'll do is i'll have me drink we'll have a chat and then i'll piss right before we depart today you know right before boil it all up poor worse comes to worse you can get off those buses come regular

regular regular yeah and um jump off piss up some suburb quite good aren't you respectful it's not a tube is all i'm saying yeah you know i mean worse comes to worse well you could try and go in between lightning this hasn't been out of the bag in fucking years, this Skyro, and it flies a treat. It does. Look at him. Oh, look, it's a Spyro. And he's off like a little doggy-woggy again. Woof, woof.

Would you prefer if I threw it and you chased it? Go on. Oh, I can't catch it. Hang on, it's hard to do when you're recording. You what? I'll throw it up down towards there here you are here we go throwing it it's in the air it's coming straight back for you too much too high it's the wind oh i'm doing it i'm gonna throw it again here we go look i caught it in my hand

here we go i'm gonna do it again are we at he's chasing it he's gone I'm gonna go I got daddy I got you daddy I caught him with my hands daddy tiring of me hang on recording I'm flying Skyro in oh look oh lovely stuff I'm knackered I can've got to stop. I've got to stop. I've got to stop. Oh, so me and Eli have had a lovely sit down in this lovely little area which we've called our home for the rest of this episode. Oh, it's been lots of fun.

We've had a few drinks. We've played the Frisbee. It was good when you played Frisbee, Paul. Long-time listeners might remember i might have um featured or maybe on barshans i don't know where have i featured it featured what the frisbee that you fold up like um one of those uh film set light reflectors and uh skyro uh i you probably mentioned it in passing you were aware of it aren't you that's the point it's probably in cheap show law I got it out I had a lovely little solo game

a bit off because you know you got it out and you had a bit of a solo game did you eh you got it out and you had a bit of a solo game but then Paul in a beautiful moment you said would it be better if I threw it to you and then you let yourself into the game the endless game of frisbee

that is eternal and then Paul let yourself into the game the endless game of frisbee that is eternal and then paul i don't mind saying this pulled off some nice sweet little catches through the hole in the sky row and and served it relatively okay i mean there needs to be a lot of work on your stroke i'm not very good with me stroking mate we need to come out and play arabi i've been getting into it i'm i'm willing to say this right now. I'm the world's most stylish Erebi player. You're not. I am. And the most experienced. You look like a wicked

hobbit playing with fairies when you chase it. It's just awful to look at. I'm getting it out now. No, don't. I'll show you. Eli wet his pants when he went for a piss in the cops. It's splashback. It's normal for a man of my age. It is. It's splashback it's normal for a man of my age it is it's fine it's drying off don't put this in please it's all staying in it's it's

podcast veritate oh come back here what about the ins oh we should mention we got to this park this park number four and it's the longest we've stayed in any park today whilst we were here chilling out this guy who is um how would you describe him he's a he's a six apparently he's a slack a slack line uh what do you call it tightrope walker you know the slack and flat lines yeah he's set up he hasn't done much i think he knows we're talking about him well he's a six whatever man he needs to try real hard with me so i suggested go talk to him it's probably paul's probably the wise voice here we shouldn't talk to him he looks like moby he just wants to be left alone and balance on his flat wire i bet he hero worships moby he thinks thinks Moby is cool. Just because he's bald.

That's how simple it all comes down to. It's not. It's all quiet now. Also, one other incident, Paul. One other incident to report. Was it spooky in the cops? In that little shrubbery? This park is fucking lovely,

I have to say, man. It's nice, isn't it? It's got a lovely park, tarmac nice and smooth, but also some wildlife. It's just beautiful i guess this is the sort of um the contrast to millennium green which you thought was just scruffy it was very scruffy but this is better you think because it's more it's more range it's got more scale

and it's got a nice slope and a view and open air areas yes this is an impressive park they've done a great job with uh fran barnett, whatever the fuck this place is called. It is kind of a lot of detritus though, isn't there? A lot of cigarette butts. Not as bad as the other place, because honestly mate, me and you sitting at that ropey bench as we drank Bloody Marys. They weren't ropey Bloody Marys, they were bloody good. I think you'll find. And you know what really made it? Little floating dry bubbles of soup. Bouillon. Right, so we're going to just have...

No, I just wanted to say one other thing about the lady with their dog. Some ladies come past with their dog. The dog comes and gives it his giving. He can smell my fucking pee-pee hormones. You know what I mean? I think he was looking for truffles, mate. He smelt fresh wee wee in my pants in my shorts he comes over he was very attractive looked like a puppy of some

well a younger dog i don't know what they're called but very handsome and uh he gave me a little sniff sniff and then she apologized and i went oh that's fine smile and then i said uh has your dog got covid aren't you funny and then she went what and then you said well i'm not gonna repeat that because it was awful no then i went i did a little faint and then she was on board mate she was fucking yeah she wanted to play she wanted to play along she was like oh yeah it might give you covid she said something like that no she didn't say that along she was up for it she suddenly turned to her friend and went we made an error making eye contact with this beast child right so we're just sitting here we're

having a nice time it's all lovely we're going to set off soon and then homie home time or i can have a sippy sip nap nip yes you're up you're heading to bedfordshire up the wooden hills to bed for sure for paul he's very beddy snip nip nap nap boobie but paul this is serious business i actually wanted to say we have one more thing to do which is eat the mexican candy is given to me by georgia and drew george and june georgia and drew anyway he's given me lots of mexican stuff right so you do that and then we'll come back for the candy all right you want to do the candy here then yeah we'll do the candy and then we'll set off what i know we're writing this as we go along like some kind of total mavericks you've joined the maverick club by the way let me just say no included yeah included we could go through this

little cops here yeah and there's a sort of there's a grassy bank over there yeah that'll be a different slightly different should we go there and do the candies we can investigate it yeah and then home time for sleepy paul because paul's been working nights and he's all sleepy tired a little bit grumpy because i hate humanity i'm a little bit drunk. Have some vodka. I don't want any more vodka. Look, you've caned it. You've had 80% of this vodka since you opened it. I am. I'm recording it. I'm putting the truth out there. Just have some. You can have some water straight after. I don't want any. I don't like vodka. You're no fun. You'll never be one of my drug buddies. Don't do that, Paul.

in my drug buddies. Don't do that, Paul. So weak. Weak in the ass. This is not our best episode. Right, this is the big finale Eli's promised us.

I'm getting up off the bench. We're heading home. It's getting late. It's promised us. I'm getting up off the bench. We're heading home. It's getting late. It's getting dark. It's getting dark. You can see the lights coming on. Ali Pali. I'm looking over.

No, but that's fine. But that must have a light on at some point. Isn't it? This is great. What a lovely shot. Let's take a picture together. Here we go. Ready? Here we go. Three. Get the thing in the background. Where is it? This is great. What a lovely shot. Let's take a picture together. Here we go. Ready?

Here we go. Three. Get the thing in the background. What? Where is it? You need to frame that better. It was there. You can see it.

It's just small. Where is it? That's a good one, actually. I like that. Yeah, let's just do it. You look haggard. This looks like... This is like a UFO picture.

This is wicked. All right, we'll take that one. It's time for Mexican tamarind base sweets which we're going to taste right here right now right here right now in the in the lovely dusk light. We're in the dusk it's the golden hour it's a perfect time to taste these now some of these and I want you to be honest we've done before so let's just move those aside the ones we've done before yeah and we'll just go for the ones you haven't that are novel to you paul okay and there's one that i really i'm really looking forward to you know why because what's the flavor then what's the stereotypical anti-paul

flavor it's watermelon and what don't you like either tamarind yeah do i have several watermelon based tamarind sweets of course he does we should start with that one all right it's more there's some squeezy ones that you'll probably enjoy more later but let's just go with the punishment first describe that uh we've had this on the show before i think we definitely have the watermelon on the stick that taste of tamarind yeah we've done that and it's like oh this is squeezy

pilon pilon rico it looks like a syringe we've got to take a picture this is an injectable tamarind fluid pelon pelon pelorico just give it a little

pelon pelorico tambo in tambo what is tamarind again i'm having some vodka i don't care tamarind is a fruit popular all over the world apart from here we had some chili it's often paired with chili um i think it's like a pear shaped thing but it's sort of it's quite very sticky it goes to a sort of date-like consistency. And they have a whole massive range in Mexico of tamarind-based sweets. And I think the other place where tamarind is popular as a sort of confection is the subcontinent, India, because you get tamarind things from there as well. How do you get this shit off?

I don't know. I'm trying to figure it out myself. Hang on. It's like a Play-Doh head thing, isn't it? Go barbershop thing. There's a series of little holes which tryptophobics would hate, wouldn't they? Yeah. So, warning, tryptophobia. All squidgy comes out. All the tamarind squid comes out.

That's horrible. Mate. How did you get it off? I just pulled it off. It's there, mate. I'm going to squid it. Pick the lid up. Here we go. It's there, mate. I'm going to squidge it. Pick the lid up. Here we go.

Squeeze it. Squeeze it. It's squeezing it. It's coming out the tube. Oh, God. That's disgusting looking. You're going to eat it, though? Yeah, I'm going to eat it, but just...

Stop fucking filming. Right, I'll stop filming, but that's disgusting. It looks... Look at that. That looks like something that hatches from a dead fly's brain. Yeah, it's cool, man. It's fun food. I'll taste it.

It'll be on the pod. So... All right, I'm going to... There we go. This is going right in the fucking bin. What I mean is there's some weird, like, you know, flavour liquid. Oh, it's everywhere. On things.

Yeah. This is better. I bet this tastes better than that. It's nice to fun squeeze it. Here they go. Look at this. It's really hard to squeeze. Yeah, it is hard to squeeze.

Right, here we go. Right. Oh, God. It's so horrible. oh god it's so horrible i can't eat that i can't eat that it's horrible it's so horrible it's sweet whole lump by the way ladies and gentlemen i can do it i you know it's nice it's sort of it's grainy isn't it it's sort of grainy

it's gravelly it's sort of sandy you know in texture it's sweet it's sweet but it's also kind of like it's why I don't like figs

it's that same kind of figgy thing fair enough yeah it's fruity oh god you only like the pure artificiality of a real jelly or a real chocolate,

something that's been processed. Oh, God. This was sent in. Yeah, I gave that to you. Yeah, I'm just explaining to everyone. It's not like priority who gave what to what, man. You know? I gave you a boner every morning when you think about me.

So, you know. You give me an anti-boner. What's that when it goes inside? No, it just pops off and walks off down the road. What does it do? Get the Daily Mail? Gets the bus. Your penis is a racist.

It's not my penis. It's more just, it's a bit right-leaning. Mate, we are riffing hard now. You can take that out. But honestly, we really do have to get out of here, Paul. Yeah. Oh, it's got busy all of a sudden. I don't like it.

You have to snuff these peanuts. Oh, yeah. So the finale of the show, ladies and gentlemen, is Eli's nuts. These are dill-flavoured nuts. They smell so bad. Oh, God. Don't stick it right in my eyes. Oh, they're awful.

All right, let's take one then. Fucking hell. Focus. All right. They do smell of dill pickle, but that kind of artificial dill pickle-y thing. Oh, they are awful. They taste so... They taste like I'm eating sport shoes.

Yeah, it's so... Shoot. Oh, there's nothing nice about it. That's horrible Oh god Oh god Those are fucking vile I didn't think they'd be that bad I didn't think they'd be that bad

But that tastes disgusting That is horrible That is so artificially nasty And rubbery flavoured It tastes so industrial. Yeah, so awful. Well, what a finale that was, Mr Silverman. We both nearly yacked our guts up eating nuts.

Oh, God. Zero. Zero nuts. Yeah. That is a bad finale. I cannot shake that flavour. I'd rather have the tamarind than that. Really? Yes. I like tamarind than that. Really?

Yes. I like tamarind. You've just got to be in the mood for it. After the taste of that tamarind, I would much rather have it in my mouth right now than whatever the fuck is going on in my... Sorry, Paul, I didn't do that on purpose. No, I know.

I just thought there'd be a thing we could end there, yeah. No, I agree. I reckon under any other circumstances, a pickly nut would have been a nice way to end. But that is the worst thing i've put in my mouth for a very long time well you know what it's getting dark we're gonna head off we're gonna have to say goodbye so this is it we're walking home now walking home now we've had a big day i need a magical rating

and a picnic rating and then we'll combine those using a sophisticated algorithm and we'll have a magic picnic rating for the whole pod okay all right well in terms of picnic i would give it a six i thought we had a variety of foods and things like that, but nothing substantial. It was fun to explore the different foods, but those nuts are still in my mouth, and they taste horrible, and I can't shift, and that soured my experience. I just want to say sorry for those nuts. Those were a stain on this. That's one of the most disgusting,-conceived probably expensive snack products i've ever fucking had the displeasure to bosh out your gobble and it just goes to prove man

you know i'm a total pickle advocate and all of this but that you can go too fucking far with that shit and that's what happens mate hashtag not all pickles fucking artisan peanuts there's about like there's a tiny amount, and they're all gross as fuck. Aren't they all? Anyway, we're just walking back up now towards New Southgate Station where I can get my bus. But we do want to look to a, you know what, magical rating, Eli.

I'm no joking, because you know I take the piss, and I always complain, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But we have had fun today. We're both a bit tipsy. But the magic ratings are nine, because that path we went down at the beginning, well, midday, and we thought, oh, it's a dead end. And then we found that little slip road.

It looked very unhelpful, didn't it? And then it took us home. It took us to our new home. It took us to an excellent park. It was a little, nothing special, but it was quiet and we had space and it was clean and we had a great view. Oh, magical nine. And a guy, what about the tightrope guy? Did that add or take away?

That added magic. Why? Was it sort of a bit of a nostalgic for, like, latitudes, sort of festivals? A little bit of that, actually. And also, he was defying gravity, wasn't he? He wasn't very good. No.

But... He wasn't showing off. He was just trying to stay on the fucking rope and he face-planted. Once or twice. All right, I think this is a lesson to us on the fucking rope. And he face-planted. Once or twice. All right. I think this is a lesson to us all. Never try to do anything at all.

And just... No. The lesson could be when you fall flat on your face, maybe get up and try again. Get up, knock down. Get up again. Don't sing that when you're fucking necking vodka. It's not shit vodka.

This is Stolichnaya. Oh, I don't like vodka. I think you're shit. I've had a lovely day. It's been nice hanging out with you, mate. And I've not seen you in months. I know. I've been missing you.

Missing you. Missing you at all. Missing you since you've been gone. Away. I ain't missing you at all. Which way are we going? To the station. We're going over the bridge again.

That's exciting. Mate, we're just going back the way we came. Yeah, back the way we came. And honestly, another reason why it was magical finding that park, because it gave me... The gasometer. It gave me belief, which I held a belief about this area, that had hidden gems to yield to me, yeah?

Pockets of mystery. That supported the theory. That park supported the theory. There's a lot of that shit around here. If you go looking, you'll find a little o That supported the theory. That park supported the theory. There's a lot of that shit around here. If you go looking, you'll find a little oasis in London somewhere. Lots of Victorian infrastructure. Yeah. Anyway, Paul.

Anyway, so... We have to cross the bridge. Yeah. And your bus is either on this side of the road or the other side. No, it's this side, I know, because I came past this coming in at the beginning. Do you know which number it is? 221. Brilliant bus, man.

Get on the back. Enjoy the ride. And don't worry if you're listening over are they going to do bus action we're saving the bus actually when the lockdown comes down we'll be back on buses. Night bussing. Night bussing's coming we're promising it. Sandwiches. I will I'll make you a sandwich mate. Coffee. Oh I'd love to be normal again and be able to sort of you know interact. Mate we never been normal. All we can hope for is normalcy. I think it's been a great, it's been a successful day. This has been a joyous, lovely day out on a lovely sunny day. And we hope you've enjoyed your journey on our magical mystery picnic tour show.

One off. So we're not going to do too much admin. If you like the show, you can see pictures and videos to accompany this episode, thecheapshow.co.uk, patreon.com forward slash cheap show

if you'd like to support this podcast financially. It's just there, the bus show, bus stop. We love it when you support the podcast, ladies and gentlemen.

So if you can and you do, then excellent. If you don't, then spread the word. Nuzzles. And Twitter, I'm at PaulGannonShow

at thecheapshowpod Eli is Eli Snoid spelled E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D thanks for following everyone really thank you

and that's all we have time for email us thecheapshow at gmail.com if you wanna talk to you really just keep it clean

nah don't I like it filthy this is pissed as I've been I'm not gonna make a habit of this okay he's pissed and the rest ladies and gentlemen fucking don't it filthy. He's as pissed as I've been. I'm not going to make a habit of this, okay?

He's pissed and the rest, ladies and gentlemen. Fucking don't say shit like that. Your hair is so lame right now, man. I hate my hair

right now. I can't wait to get it cut. You have no idea. I look like I'm growing a Terry Wogan.

Thank you. Say goodbye. Just say goodbye. Goodbye. Thank you, Eli, for a lovely day out. I'll see you soon. Okay, Paul. Bye. Bye. a Terry Wogan thank you say goodbye just say goodbye goodbye thank you Eli for a lovely day out I'll see you soon okay Paul

bye bye is that the way you want to say it I don't know I can't think of it I will end it with me talking about New South Wales

no we're not going to end with that at all man I would be nothing without you both of us make this fucking podcast thanks for coming on my mystery picnic

and thank you for letting me come on your picnic you didn't though did you there was no one even everyone was normal up here weren't they there was no like tramp action there's one lady whose tit fell out that was it yeah with a shopping basket built in it was one of those

at the front yeah right so how do we end this episode because right now is that in the wank bank Paul that's what I have to ask my wank bank, Paul? That's what I have to ask. I have a wank... My wank bank... Mate, but imagine the specificity. Imagine how, like, envious

the person who's listening to this is. Like, my specific fucking thing is, like, ancient ladies' tits popping out on a mobility scooter. Well, then this episode's got everything they need, doesn't it? Whereas my wank bank is healthy. And not only that,

but I recently got a wax rebate. What? A wax rebate where you wax it off. Wack, whack it off. What's that? Pan on? I'm trying to... Wanking, whack it off, wax, tax,

tax rebate, wax rebate, waxing... A wank rebate? I should have said a wank rebate. And then I could go, what? Like a tax rebate? Yeah. And what, they send a sp what, like a tax rebate? Yeah. And what, they send the spunk back in a letter to you? Yeah, they do.

And what's the address? What address do they put it on? Just my address. There's nothing funny about the address, then? No, not really. You know when they mail it to me? Yeah. They go, Head Spaffer, North London.

That's what they... And it comes to me, you know, somehow. You get envelopes of spoff every other week. I'm the chief head spaffer. Murderer. Not murderer. Let's do a thing on that then. Burbler.

Actually, no, Eli, I think it's just... I'm the chief head spaffer. Murderer. I come and I spaff you. Murderer. I've got a spaff out the end of. Murderer. My little helmet.

Right, good. Well, that's it. I think that is our finale. Ladies and gentlemen, Murderer. My little helmet! Right, good. Well, that's it. I think that is our finale. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us on our picnic day out. We hope you have a good day. I'll give you a little bit

when you say, I hate Eli in the bus home. I'm not going to do that. I think you should. I'll say it now. I hate Eli. There you go. I don't have to say it on the bus.

I think you should just do a nighty-night thing. I'm going to go on the bus. I'm going to go on the bus and just fall asleep, mate. I want you to do a nighty-night thing. I'll be very disappointed. What I'll do is I'll put the music in now.

First real fart from Paul on Cheap Show. Hey, that's already in. That's already been kept in. It was a good one. Mate, the skids stay in the picture. It's wimpy, but funny. Because my farts are so fucking robust and powerful. But yours, you know.

Mine have the tone of a cheeky jester. Yes, it's good. The variation in tone is what makes it fun. Can we end this podcast? We keep getting close. You just have to turn it off. Right, I'm going to have to turn it off.