CheapShow - Ep 186: CheapShow Babies

Episode Date: July 10, 2020

In many respects, this week's episode of CheapShow is a relatively simple affair! There is a short and sweet “Tales from the Shop Floor” and the PO Box delivers a wonderfully flavoursome collection of Spanish Cheap Eat treats... However, it's what floats around those segments you need to be careful of! Eli is off his leash because Paul can't speak for long periods, they consider a new Mr Blobby death cult, discover the 3 major "fluids" that permeate throughout the podcast, have a delightful look at baby versions of some of our favourite characters and Paul even lets Eli do the "end of segment" sound effects! Will wonders never cease? And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-186-cheapshow-babies If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Podbible Interview: https://podbiblemag.com/2020/06/12/a-special-cheapshow-celebration/ MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Paul is writing a book! Want to help make it happen? https://unbound.com/books/ghosts/

And we're good to go. Woohoo! Hello, everybody. It's Cheap Show time again. It's Eli here. Hi. You know me from Touch Things As. Sauce Report.

Noodles. Pickles. Fuck me. Noodles. Pickles. Everything. Sausages. I like those.

Sauce. Paul. You also do the show. How are you? Eli, you've just said, hello, my name's Eli. I'm from this podcast. And you may know me from things I do in this podcast. What about other things you do? Like, oh yeah, absolutely nothing.

Fuck off. Listen, don't make this into... You know what? I'm using different earphones and I feel like I'm not doing the podcast. What do you mean? What are the change of headphones done for you? It's freed my whole head up like my head's waggling around i am watching your head right now and yes it is although it's like jack duckworth no not jack duckworth that's a character from coronation street jack douglas dog what like that dog what about that dog in the back of the churchill dog that's what it looks like no you're more like one of those dogs that's got a bit of peanut butter on its top lip and it's trying to eat it. Yeah, like that.

Fudges. Anyway, welcome to Cheap Show. It's an economy comedy podcast that celebrates... Just do it again and fucking edit it, man. I'm sick of this. Just use your mouth.

Fucking edit it. I do edit it. You want me to fucking say it? I'll say it. Welcome to Cheap Show. It's an economy comedy podcast where we trawl the trash of great britain and beyond we go to charity shops here we go no it's not no it's not it's not it's not

going off the rails it's off the rails it's crashed charity shop thousands dead at the bottom of the ravine it's awful oh the humanity charity shops and that. Now, Paul. Yeah. What have we got coming up on the show this week? Well, you know what? This week on the show, we've got the opening title sequence, and let's go to that right now. Okay. Fucking do it. I hate you and your

fucking noodle posse. People love noodles It's just a fact of cheap show You're gonna have to learn to fucking accept Cheap show Cheap Show. It's the price of shite. Paul Gannon. Eli Silverman.

Welcome to Cheap Show. And I go and I nuzzle. Yes, it's Cheap Show, back once again like a renegade master. Fee-for-fie, power to the people. 20 seconds to comply. No, no, no, no, no, no, 19. Well, don't do hip-hop because you know what? What?

It'll come out. Who? It'll come out, the old man of the mountain. Yeah. It'll pop out. What old man of the mountain? You know when I'm mowing the lawn? When I'm mowing the lawn at the old man of the mountain. Yeah. He'll pop out. What old man of the mountain? You know when I'm mowing the lawn? When I'm mowing the lawn at the end of the bed area next to Mount Groppans.

Yeah. I can see him peering through the window. Who? You know. What, Teen Yeti? Yeah. What has Teen Yeti? He's been lying low recently.

What's happened? You should see the wagon nut trail off him. I mean, I know it's like part of his whole thing is like how big his wagon nuts are, but they're really big and unkempt now and they're dragging along. What's going on though? There's a hole and there's scribbles. There's all scribbles all swarming over them. The scribbles have got out of control and they're swarming over this poo,

this sort of coagulated trail, hairy wagon nugget train, basically. There's dragging around, and it's sort of poking out the front door of Mount Gropp Pants. And then he looks out the window, and he goes, and I go, hello! And he goes, slams the window shut, and I think, ooh, what's going on in there?

He's probably working on a new album or something. He gets funny like that. Does he? I just don't know. He's not been the same since the train incident, you know? No, I think he knows more. He knows more than he was letting on. I don't know. He's not been the same since the train incident, you know? No, I think he knows more. He knows more than he was letting on. I don't know.

Perhaps that's what's on the new album. Or perhaps he's... It's got to be a confessional thing like Drake did. Perhaps he's doing a Kanye

and he'll have political ambitions. What? Teen Yeti 2020 Presidents of Cheap Show. He's going up against Brandoff. Yeah.

Well, I mean, that would be a good election, wouldn't it? Let me just write that down for one of our top line, topical episodes. Okay. Writing it down as we speak. There'll also be new lyrics. Well, obviously, what side are you on? Are you on Team Yeti?

Are you on Team Brandoff? If the elections come for Cheap Show. It doesn't really matter. No, no, no. It actually fucking does and doesn't. From my point of view, it's just awful either way. I will be the man behind the throne in how either of those regimes were to take control. What's on this?

Hello, I am Jimmy Biscuit entering the election parade. Weren't you killed on the train, Biscuit? No, I'm off searching the world for Brandoff. Remember that? Oh,? No, I'm off. Searching the world for Brandoff. Remember that? Oh, yeah, okay. Right, how's it going? Search for Brandoff. He popped in here a few episodes ago.

You what? He looked... He was here. I'm on the case you should have told me. Well, I don't have your number anymore. You never call me. I don't... You...

It's 0122122122121. You call me. What? But just don't call me at night. That's when I'm sleeping of angels. What about, it's Mrs. Biscuits. What about Mrs. Biscuits? Does she like calls at night?

There is no Mrs. Biscuits. Okay. There's only Gary. Oh, okay. I didn't realize. Oh, Gary. No problem. All right. Biscuits. Poor old Gary. Poor Gary. He wanted okay. I didn't realize. Oh, Gary. No problem. All right.

Biscuits. Poor old Gary. Poor Gary. He wanted to be my partner. He was a young rookie off the streets. And I remember thinking to him, I remember saying, you can't deal with the darkness that I see. And Gary, Gary put his whole heart into it. He was a good soul, but he went too far and he crossed the line.

And now. And then what happened to him? He's him he's dead he fell in with a with a bad crowd he fell in with the blabberites a cult directly involved with resurrecting the god dearie mr blobby for the end times that are coming and only i can fight oh wow And Gary, I'm coming for you. Right, see you, mate. Right, so he doesn't seem to have capturing the Brandoff at the top of his list anymore, does he, Paul? No, he doesn't. It's a shame, that.

It's a shame. Well, maybe, I don't know, maybe one of those wacky plot points we've just come up with will be resolved in a later episode of Cheap Show. Well, Brandoff needs to be taken to account and perhaps he's only going to be able to be, you know, justice will only be served through the political structure of Cheap Show rather than the justice structure of Cheap Show,

which seems to be lacking. Well, distracted. Biscuits is distracted with Gary. What I'm thinking, though, is that it ends up that Brandoff is behind the Blobberite cult and we'll tie it together that way. I like it. Cults, good. Very folk horror. What I'm thinking, though, is that it ends up that Brand Office behind the Blobberite cult, and we'll tie it together that way. I like it. Cults, good. Very folk horror, very now.

And in the end, they burn Gary in a giant wicker blobby. Yes! With Noel Edmonds in drag. Yes! Doing a song! Yes! Crinkly bottom wanders in. Save the crops. We must have a sacrifice. Yes. Deal or no

deal? That's the next stage. Right, so what? Paul, you were going to do a Tales from the Shop Floor, weren't you? That's a segment coming up. Mate, stretch it out. Stretch it out. I never know what the fuck the segment is. Is this a bit where I look at something in my room and sort of go,

ooh, here it is. It's sauce or something. No, no. Oh. What? You know what I did want to mention, Paul? What? The day is approaching, right, where we are going to need some content.

And we still haven't tried this figgy mustard. So it's drying out a bit. It still looks like it's working. For like a Christmas ago. Yes. The tape, you can see the tape is still there. It's mint on card. It's sealed.

Figgy mustard is not ever going to be mint on card. It is. It's gleaming. It's a pristine figgy mustard pot. I will say it's in very good condition, but I will not say it's mint on card. All right? Thank you very much.

Thanks for that concession. I will say this, though, for this episode. I am in, every word I speak, I am in massive amounts of discomfort because... Why this way? Your back? No, my throat. I've had a lot of punishment done to my throat last night.

From what? Well, I was I went I spoiled myself and I went and got a nice big fancy beef and smoky bacon lasagna

I thought treat myself I've been a good boy and I put it in the oven and blah blah blah and it was piping hot piping hot right but there was something

I wanted to watch on TV and I forgot that you can just pause TV and watch it whenever so I wolfed this piping, boiling hot lasagna down my throat. Couldn't you stop

halfway and think, Christ, this is burning my throat? I was hoping that the more I ate the cooler it would get, just because of time. That usually works, but if it's too hot at first, you know, I just don't get you. I was in discomfort last night, but I've woken up and it feels like,

it feels like I've like had someone punch me in the throat. Oh, mate. So all I can say, ladies and gentlemen, is please, please be responsible when you eat lasagna because, you know, it's only me and Garfield who have really seen the dark side of lasagna. It can be deceptively hot, yes, and you're suffering. Yeah, really suffering. I hope that clears up, Paul. Lasagna,

that goes in and out of fashion, doesn't it? It was all a big deal. That's what I heard the other day. Ciabatta bread? Yeah. When do you think that was invented? Hang on. Ah, it's down my throat. Ah. I didn't know. I didn't expect

the sneezing to be a problem. Ciabatta was invented in 1942 by a Welsh school teacher called Madame Flancake. No, it was in 94. And it was a purposeful invention by the Italians to compete with the Frenchman's baguette or French lady's baguette. So it's an Italian baguette. Or, and let me say this now, put a baguette up your arse. What? Just to get that out of the...

I mean, mate, you're forgetting we do need some nuance and building. We can't just always skip to the bit of the show that everyone knows is coming. Well, I just wanted to get past that with the baguette now. Okay? Baguette up your arse. All right, wanking off a baguette. Mayonnaise comes out the top of the baguette. What's the com?

Pull back. Pull back. You're giving too much. Pull back. Pull back the baguette. Peel back the skin of the baguette. And then there's the soft baguette helmet underneath, seeping mayo onto the pillowcase.

Mate, ciabatta out of your mind. Ciabatta out of your mind. No, but it was invented, Paul, to compete with baguettes because the Italians had no national loaf. Interesting, isn't it? You like a ciabatta, don't you? I do like ciabatta. I bet you'd like lasagna in a ciabatta.

Yeah. A bit of butter. Bit of butter. Like an Italian... So wait there, you go on. Ciabatta butty. Ciabatta butty. We're making all kinds of extremely exciting inventions today.

Ciabatta bacon butty with lasagna spreadings. That's a dirty, filthy, horny thing. That would be good though, wouldn't it? They did do, didn't they? Tesco did a lasagna sandwich. Did they? It was criticised for being very calorific. Yeah.

Well, there you go. I mean, it's a lasagna sandwich, isn't it? Let's crack on with the show because I am now bored of talking of lasagna. It's been a successful... Lasagna, lasagna, lasagna, lasagna. Spoffiness. Just to finish that off. Just stop it.

Just stop it, all right? You don't need to jump straight to the end. All right, come on. Let's do the sound effect. Go on, then. You can do this one. Really? I'm in a good mood, so you can do a sound effect.

Excellent. Brilliant. I won't let you down, mister. I'm telling you. This is your big break, boy. This is my chance. This is your big break. Oh, hang on.

I just have to pour some liquids elsewhere. What's pouring liquid got to do with anything? Well, because the thing I'm using to make the sound effect had some liquid in it. Right, okay. Ladies and gentlemen, his big cheap show debut. It's Mr. Eli Silverman with his segment sound effect. Thank you. It's an amazing

result. Thank you. Well, I think you remember a few weeks ago Chris from Norwich gave us a beautiful picnic hamper's worth of Japanese snacks when we went on our little roam around North London.

Southgate. New Southgate. New Southgate in North West London. Well, North. North London. What? I've still got the egg. I've still got his egg.

His half egg. The little plazza egg. You could use that so easily as a knob toy. Could you? Yeah. How? I don't understand. It's a plastic egg. Come, you could use that so easily as a knob toy. Could you? Yeah. How? I don't understand. It's a plastic egg.

What do you mean, how, Paul? It's got that little... Come on. Don't play the naive. It's too hollow. Don't be the naive with me. You stick your knob in it. The only way.

You stick your knob... Yeah, but it's too big. You stick your knob on it. You roll it around your knob. You do all sorts of shit with it, and then you stick it up your arse. No, what you could... What the fucking hell, mate? Everything's going up your arse this week. Why not? you stick it up your arse. No, what you could... What the fucking hell, mate? Everything's going up your arse this week.

Why not? Everything's going up your arse. Why fucking not? Well, because... We're trying to do what? What exactly? No good reason. There's never a good reason not to put something up your arse.

All right, cactus. Good reason. What good reason is it to stick a cactus up your arse? It's spiky. Right, and that's what? Pleasurable to you? Could be. could be. All right, okay, next thing.

Hot bayonet. Hot bayonet? Yeah. To what temperature has this bayonet been heated? It's like... Was it in a conventional... Glowing red hot straight from a furnace. All right, then, you've got an example there.

There's always a counter example in these rules. What about bag of baby spiders bursting and then crawling right from the bag up your bumhole? What about that? Like it, like it, like the imagination you're using now. I'm sorry you're in pain, Paul, but it is amusing. I've just splashed orange juice all over me now. Now, welcome, dear listeners, to the section of the show

where you get your say, where you get to... And the person who's having their say this week is that guy who sent us the Japanese snacks, isn't he? And the egg that's been up my arse. What other highlights from the Japanese snacks... You know what? What? You know what I like about this podcast?

How reassuringly shit we are. 200 episodes on. You know what I mean? Well, not quite. No, but if you count all the Unclickable stuff and all the other podcasts... Yes. Now, Paul, what were your highlights?

My highlights were those pliant, tender, pliant squid... pickled squid squares with the squid-headed mascot on them. That was my favourite. Oh, you did? Yeah. They were your favourites, were they? But there was a very good selection and a very interesting, including the katsu strip. I love that food where they're just sort of,

they're taking the essence of something and just giving you that. It's almost as if they sold packets of just the powder that is in those dry nut dry roasted peanut packets just the powder imagine that yeah or yeah if they sold just the little green bits of card that you get the back of risla packets but like a whole pack of those green bits of card yeah yeah or it's like i I actually, mate, hand on heart, wasn't listening. All right, come on.

Watch his name. And he's got a Tales from the Shop floor, which is where listeners write in. Wait. Stop. Yeah.

You asked me what my favourite thing is and then you just proceeded to stick things up your arse again, probably. I don't know. I wasn't listening.

What was your favourite thing? My favourite thing was the chicken and beef snacks, you know, the ones that were the waffle shape. Yeah, they were delicious as well. Yeah, they were lovely. So that's my favourite choice from the pack. There you go.

How exciting. Oh, Chris, thank you again. So Chris did send the letter in and it did have a Tales from the Shop floor on and I thought we'd read it out. Okay, great. I'm all ears. Again, people who listen to the podcast regularly know that we ask for your stories about um strange things events that you've seen in a charity shop but you are all

compelled week in week out to tell your stories of unwitting human defecation so thank you for sending that in but i do we do both eli and i i hope i speak for eli as well we don't always want the scat stories it doesn't have to. It doesn't have to be scat. It doesn't have to be body fluids at all. It could just be... Well, mate, we haven't had a wank story in ages. Okay, wank... Absolutely ages.

I've made it clear again and again and again, Paul, my little tick list of a top tell-us-from-the-shop-floor story for me. One, old person. Two, nudity. Three, death. Four four law enforcement okay and then and then this sounds dystopian and then in a coming up in the rear at five but it's way behind stop putting things in the rear it's way behind the pack yeah would be you be you know, Seminoles, Deficals and Whizzicles.

Seminole, Defical, Whizzicle. It sounds like the poem from Bibbity Bobbity Boo from Cinderella. Well, that's by design. Or what's that thing from Bedknobs and Broomsticks? That's by design. I'm working on a whole system of classifying liquids come out the bodies. What, as poetry?

Yeah, well, no, it's just terms that we can use as a shorthand, Paul. So you've got the semicals. You know what those are? Yes. Yeah? Those are your spoffs. Yeah. Your spoogeys.

Your batters, Delafan. So what was it again? Let me just get this straight. Yeah. Something calls, what was it called? Let me just get this straight. Something cools. What was it called? Seminoles. Seminoles. Yeah.

That covers all the wide, wet range of clear, usually clear genital fluids. Yeah. Then you've got the deficles. We all know about those. And then we've got the whizzicles, which is a whole thing in itself, which is piss. Well, we've got another one.

What? Flemicles. Flemicles! Has it got any of those in, Chris's one? Well, we'll find out, won't we? Okay. As long as we all say the magic words, Traguna, Macoitus, Trachorum, Satus, Dee,

and we shall go over to the magical letter. Yay! I'm a Satanist. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Just. I'm a Satanist. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Just decided I'm a Satanist. Any particular Satan? Or have the Blobberlots got to you?

The Blobberlots? No, the Blobberites. No. No. Well, that's just... The Blobberites. I'd say the Blobberiting, or whatever they do, is very much devil worship, isn't it? Because Blobby, they want the big Blobby from the sky

to come down and wreak vengeance on the non-Blobberites. So that's pretty horrific. The old Dritch Blob. Yeah, man. It's strange, though, because you could easily transfer Crinkly Bottom of Noel to Lovecraft very easily. And also, like, folk horror very easily you know what in fact i think noel edmonds does kind of look at quite a lot like charles dexter ward from

the story uh his description yeah and he lives in a crazy house on top of a hill exactly and a little village and he has a great big pink and yellow monster in In a pit, yeah. Yeah. That slaughters celebrities and middle-class families. It's abomination. Paul, have we strung out the introduction to this letter enough yet, please? Because I'm losing steam. Let me have a look. Nine minutes? Yes, plenty.

Right, let's crack on. Chris from Norwich sends a letter. Here's the letter. And it goes, here is a very mild Tales from the Shop floor. That's good. I like a mild one. Yeah. Can't all be shit. All right. Although Tales from the Shop floor. That's good. I like a mild one. Yeah. Can't all be shit.

All right. Although you do all send shit, so apparently it can all be shit. Let's hope it's mild. Maybe it's just like a skiddy viewed from the air or something. Perhaps it's that mild. So it's like a PG version of a story. Perhaps it's like Bette Midler's From a Distance. From a distance, I can see your skiddies.

From a distance I am the wind beneath your wings. Yeah, that's a different song. Great, great high class comedy

on Cheap Show. Right, here we go. Here's a very mild story for Tales from the Shop Floor. I used to work in retail for a company known for its plastic construction bricks. Ooh. It's Lego.

Could be Duplo, couldn't it? Duplo's Lego, isn't it? Is it? Duplo's owned by Lego. Could be Playmobil. Could be Nintendo. They used to have building bricks in the 50s or 60s, I believe. Did they really?

Yeah. Have you seen pictures of theirs? Yeah, you can go on eBay right now and buy Nintendo building blocks. Now, here's an interesting Easter egg for you, Mr. Silverman. Go on, go on. In Super Mario Land 2 on the Game Boy, there is a level set in a kind of...

I guess it's like a toy thing, like inside a robot Mario. And one of the levels is like Lego bricks, but on the side they have... I think it's N and B, which is the name of the company that were nintendo this other company that made lego they put a little hint in there of their lego past in that game well they love doing that don't they and they do it so much better than a lot of other companies sort of incorporating the whole of their their back catalog or their history into their new products. Yes. But that is something that the Japanese do

culturally in a more wide way, don't they? A lot of their culture has elements of sort of ancient tradition with extremely new technology mixed. Do you know what I mean? Especially their pornography. Right. Right.

But I was just thinking, compare them to Disney. Disney don't do porn. No, but they could. Do Disney have little Easter eggs to like Snow White in their sort of Mickey Mouse game or something like that? Do you know what I'm getting at? Spoffing beauty. No. No.

No. What else? What else? Snow White and the Seven Dicks. God, there's no subtlety with you, is there? Right. What's another one? The the lion the witch and the cock um poke your haunt us what's another one oh sleeping fanny well you know what if you're not gonna bother trying eli let's just not bother doing the segment robin cock robin cock eli seriously Robin Cock Eli. Seriously.

Cinder Fanny. Yeah, do you want to... Shall I just leave you alone to just shout out rude, piss poor Disney spoofs? I'm trying to think of another one. Ah, I know. A spoffin'. Like Aladdin, but a spoffin'. Right, just carry on with the fucking letter. The Little Sperm Maid.

Alright, good. Well done. Searching for Fanny. What? Smell the biscuit. Now you're just saying random shit. I am, yeah. So, here we go.

As one might expect in a children's toy shop, we had our fair share of urine, feces and vomit. To give one typical example, I was once standing by the door greeting customers when I noticed some specks of brown on the floor by the entrance. I initially thought it was chocolate, but on closer inspection revealed it clearly to be poo. Right, what does that involve, a closer inspection?

Did he put his nose right on the floor? Do the sniff test. Definitely the difficult, yes. Now Paul, here, I've got a rule of thumb. That's the size of your penis. Never just assume something is chocolate. Never. That's a good rule, isn't it?

Chocolate should be the last thing you assume it to be. Yes. You want to think of all the worst things it is first before you decide to consider it chocolate. Even if it's in a child's mouth at the time. Why would shit be in a child's mouth? Well, I don't know what they get up to, do I? Right.

I then noticed more besides it. And then more besides that. In fact, it was a straight line. Does he use the word besides with an S? What? Does he use the word besides with an S? And more beside that. I think I added the S with my mouth. Yeah, what he use the word besides with an S? And more beside that. I think I added the S with my mouth.

Yeah, what are you doing, mate? Come on. I was just about to attack Chris for bad writing. It's just you adding extraneous S's. Well, I'll do whatever I like when I read them out. So here I go. But on closer inspections, so revealed it to be poos.

Right. Right. Right. Fine. It was like a breadcrumb trail of fecal matter. Oh, what? What? Could this be

lady plops in the training? Maybe. A little kiddie lady plops? Well, we just don't know, do we? We could be...

Lady plops babies. Oh, no.? We could be... Lady Plops babies. Oh, no. I don't know how you'd even do lady plops in a childlike voice. Well, I do squishy gym like this. And I do Mrs Lady Plops like this. Oh, I'm baby squishy gym. I like squishing things in. And I've got a girlfriend who is Little Lady Rabbit Plop.

Hello, I squish it. Oh, I'm not very good at it though yet. Oh, I missed that one. Shit. Squishing. And here comes another baby character. It's Little Billy Brando. Right, well, I'm just going to sit back and let Eli do this for a bit,

because obviously he's having fun doing Cheap Show Babies. So here we go, Eli. back and let Eli do this for a bit because obviously he's having fun doing cheap show babies. So here we go, Eli. I'll let you do this for a bit. I'm little Brandoff. You're a bitch. No, my mum said to tell you that. She says all ladies are bitches. I'll slap you.

The troubling fucking psychology of not only Brandoff as a character, but you, Eli, as a human being. Ow. Ow. Look, it's little furry baby Yeti. I've done a rhyme. I have a cat and the cat shat. I lit the cat on fire.

I'm going now. What's like this? Baby Jimmy Biscuit. Yay. this? Baby Jimmy Biscuit. Yay! The drive. Jimmy Biscuit. Yay! And I'm going to solve the crime.

Right, that's the end of that. Now, come on, Paul. That is. Eli, that is the end of that. Right. Look, it had to happen at some point, didn't it? It did. We haven't delved into our back catalogue in a while, to be fair.

So, oh, bless them. Right, so, bread in a while, to be fair, so bless them. Right, so breadcrumb trailer fecal matter. I left my post. I nearly said left my poo immediately. I left my post and followed it through the middle of the store to the end of the shop. The poo ran up to the point where the floor met the till desk, up the desk, and then on the counter. And there on the counter was a little baby shitting away held by its parent who was completing a purchase it stank seriously stank and my colleague serving the customer had a slightly

shell-shocked look but the customer was either oblivious or ignoring the defecation as once the purchase was complete he scooped up the baby paused to say thank you and goodbye and left the shop at a leisurely pace leaving a mound of baby dirt behind terrible customer if there's one thing you don't want it's a baby trailing shit from a customer and then he does say at the end um it typically you know one of the things that annoys him most with the endless questions from people in the lego store saying do you have to build it yeah that must be one of those annoying in all all areas of retail, no matter what you're doing, there's a certain question that comes up, isn't there? That is just a stupid question. I think people who work in record shops just have a section where they have Led Zeppelin 4 and Dark Side of the Moon and every Beatles record just in a section titled Spanish Tourist Section. titled Spanish Tourist Section.

They come in like three times an hour. Have you got Dark Side of the Moon? And you just have to point them over there. So it must be equivalent to that, you know? Yeah. Well, Mr. Silverman. Asking if you can build it yourself. Well, why don't you? Have you ever heard?

Do people offer their talents as Lego constructors to other people? Is that one of these areas that has become a sort of job now? I wouldn't be surprised. But then the point of Lego isn't so much the final thing, it's the building it. So why would you want to buy something and then give it to someone else to build so you can put it on a shelf later? Because I don't fucking have time.

I just want to possess it. I want to possess it and then I want to say to my friends, it's been done and I did it because I'm good. I'm the best. I build all Legos. I own all Legos and have built them all myself. And you can't prove it. Trying to tell me I haven't built my Lego.

I built every single thing. I even made it all. I made this Lego from scratch. Organically. Using moulds. Which I made. You're really taking advantage of the fact that I can't talk much this week. Because it hurts to speak.

Help me. Help me, please. No. So, Mr. Silverman, I hired you to build my Lego castle set. Where is it? Yes. Well, I got it out of the bag. I knolled it all, put it all in its place and then I stuck it

all up my arse. Up my arse! Up my arse! It's all up my arse. Ooh, I've got Lego bits up my arse. Up my arse, up my arse, it's all up my arse. Oh, I've got Lego bits up my arse. Oh, they're rustling round. Oh, they're spitting out. Oh, they are brown. All the yellow bits are gone brown. Eli, Eli, a man in his 40s, do you want me to keep that bit in the show?

Are you sure? Yes. You want me to keep it all in? The skid stay in the picture? Yes. All right, good. The skids stay in the picture? Yes. All right, good. Is there anything else in this letter? No, but now I am fascinated with the idea of you swallowing Lego

and then crapping it out and building structures out of fecal matter in Lego bricks. Oh, that would be nasty, wouldn't it? I don't know. That would be like something you discover in a film if you were a detective hunting down the killer. Yeah. Well, you know what they say? Art is pain.

I wonder as well, Paul, if there is anyone who can eat Lego pieces, like eat the whole set of, you know, like a TIE fighter or something. Yeah. And then in their colon and their last rectal passage, construct it. And then...

And pass it fully formed. I mean, you couldn't do like the Ghostbusters firehouse. I just don't think it's possible. But maybe small cars, you formed. I mean, you couldn't do, like, the Ghostbusters firehouse. I just don't think it's possible. But maybe small cars? You know what I mean? The tiny sets. Yeah, maybe you could do that. Also, maybe you could swallow a transformer,

a small transformer, in its vehicle state and change it in your colon. It's a great magic trick, but what are you going to do for, like, a couple of hours while you perform it? You don't need a couple of hours. You get a load of cod liver oil, shoot straight through. Speed.

I'm going to do speed Lego shits. Right, well, on that note, ladies and gentlemen, I think we've reached the bottom of this conversational barrel. Let's move on to the next segment of the show, shall we? Oh, right, do I get to do another sound effect? If you want, Eli, you've got to do another sound effect. Yeah. If you want, Eli, Eli,

you got to do another sound effect, but it has to be drastically different from the last one. It's very different, but it's still on theme. All right.

OK, you ready? Yeah, go for it. Thank you. Here is my second sound effect. There's nothing in there. Is the voice part of

it? Yeah. Oh, I know. Just good. I just wanted to know when I. It's a little vign it? Yeah. All right, no, just good. I just wanted to know when I... It's a little vignette. Yeah. It's a little vignette of someone checking their wallet

and then saying there's nothing in there and slamming it shut. Did you get that? All right, well, then do it one more time and I'll use that as the sound effect to close the segment. Okay. What Eli doesn't know is that I will be editing this segment out completely and putting a much better sound effect in. Sorry, go on.

Sorry, say again. All right, you ready for the full sound effect? Yeah Sorry, go on. Sorry, say again. All right. Are you ready for the full sound effect? Yeah, go for it. Oh, oh, oh. Hello. Where's my wallet? Oh, here it is.

Good. I hope there's something in there. There's nothing in it. Bollocks. Yes, that's right. It's time for... Yes, that's right. It's time for... Chib-chib-chib.

Chib-chib-chib. Chib-chib-chib. Chib-chib-chib. Chib-chib-chib. Chib-chib-chib. Chib-chib-chib. Chib-chib-chib. Chib-chib-chib.

Chib-chib-chib. Chib-chib-chib. Chib-chib-chib. Chib-chib-chib. Chib-chib-chib. Chib-chib-chib. Chib-chib-chib. Chib-chib-chib.

Chib-chib-chib. Chib-chib-chib. Chib-chib-chib. Chib-chib-chib. Chib-chib-chib. Chib-chib-chib. Chib-chib-chib. Chib-chib-chib.

Chib-chib-chib. Chib-chib-chib. Chib-chib-chib. Chib-chib-chib. Chib-chib-chib. Chib-chib-chib. Chib-chib-chib. Chib-chib-chib.

Chib-chib-chib. Chib-chib-chib. Chib-chib-chib. Chib-chib-chib. Chib-chib-chib. Chib-chib-chib. Cheap Eats. Yes, that's the part of the show, Paul, where you and I, we taste cheap items of food. We do.

And we've got a selection that was provided for us by one of our lovely, lovely listeners in our P.O. Box hole. Shall I tell everyone the P.O. Box? Yeah, you tell them. Hang on, I've got to pull it up. Oh, God, my throat in our P.O. Box hole. Shall I tell everyone the P.O. Box? Yeah, you tell them. I've got to pull it up. Oh, God, my throat hurts so much. Right. If you would like to send us anything for Cheap Show, the podcast, send it to Cheap Show, the P.O. Box,

which is Cheap Show, P.O. Box, 1271 Harrow,H-A-3-3-N-S. Go on, Eli, you go. What do I do now? The segment. You're in charge. Oh, hello. You've got the snacks. You've got the letter.

Hello, everybody, and welcome to another section that we call Cheap Eats. And we've been sent this letter. I don't know who by. It doesn't say their name. Dean. Yes, it does. Dean. Dean.

Hello, Dean. Dean. name. Dean. Yes, it does. Dean. Dean. Hello, Dean. Dean. Dean. The sex machine came from space in a space machine. No. Dean. I've written machine twice. It took me so long to think of another rhyme that I forgot the first world was machine

in the first place. What about this? Dean. Dean. He's a fucking machine. He'll come out and... Eat your spleen. Yeah. He'll fuck you so and... Eat your spleen. Yeah.

He'll fuck you so hard you lose your spleen. Stop making violent sex comments this week. Mate, do you need a little bit of tummy rub time to ease the pain? No, I don't need tummy rub time. I'll tell you what, just put a sock over your webcam so I won't see. And just have a little bit of a rub and a tug. See if that helps you with this segment. It will not.

Now, Dean has sent us a whole bag of goodies for us to taste test, and they're from Spain, Paul. A huge bag. That's the international flavour. Now, we're not going to be tasting them all on this segment. We're just going to have a selection of everything. But let's read the letters and see where Dean's coming from, yeah? Yes. Dean, Dean, fucking machine.

Dean, Dean, the fuck machine. He'll eat you out and then eat your spleen. Dean, Dean, the fuck machine. Oh, he's a sexy dreamy dream. Dean, Dean, fuck machine. He wants down to the town of Breen. Dean, Dean, fuck machine. Oh, look at that man and his sex machine. Dean, Dean,

the fuck machine. What's his favourite fish? It would be Breen. Dean, Dean, fuck machine. Oh, look at that man and his sex machine. Dean, Dean, the fuck machine. What's his favourite fish? It would be bream. Dean, Dean, he's a fuck machine. What he'll do, he'll flick your bean. Oh, dear. Dean, Dean, he loves bream and he's a fuck machine. He'll flick your dirty bean and he'll... Bring a bag of green.

Oh, we're getting all drugs in now. Now, Paul, I was going to say, let's not be too hard on Dean and mock him, calling him a sex machine. No. But I've just read the first line of the letter, and Dean needs spanking too. Yeah. Why?

Because the first line of this letter reads, Hello, Paul and Ellie. Oh, witty, witty. Fuck you, Dean. You're not a fuck machine. You're a limp machine. Dean, Dean. Dean, Dean, the limp machine.

He can't get it up, even if he's seen. A lovely piece of... I've dropped my phone. It's gone down the back. Oh, I can see down the back of your table. Oh, no. Dean, Dean, you're a limp machine. You can't get it up.

We've gone from exaltation to absolute savagery. Call me Ellie, will you? He sent us this packet of stuff for us to, that I will be tasting, and you'll have to take my word for it, Paul, whether it's nice or not, this stuff. Well, despite all our many, many differences, Eli, I always stand behind your culinary expertise.

Thank you. Now, hello, Paul and Ellie. Yeah, yeah. Ha, ha, ha. What you have here is a small sample of Spanish crisps, snacks, and sweets. I hope you'll enjoy them. Here is a breakdown of each goodie. Now, I'm going to read the whole breakdown

because it is quite interesting, but I'm only going to taste three of these, Paul. All right. The others we're going to save for a Patreon podcast. Now, he sent two Twinkie-style snack cakes. Boney. Yeah. And Pantera Rosa.

Pink Panther. Pink Panther. It sounds a lot better in Spanish, that phrase, doesn't it? It really does. Pantera Rosa. Pink Panther. Pink Panther. It sounds a lot better in Spanish, that phrase, doesn't it? It really does. Pantera Rosa. Trolley mini burger. You already know what's up with these little buggers. We do.

Yeah, I've nabbed them. I've got them. You fucking nabbed them, didn't you? I was just about to say. You nabbed those. I can't see. I don't see no burger. I'm looking in the bag, looking for a trolley burger, mini burger,

maybe a maxi burger, maybe a nice trolley pizza slice or something like that. Because I like the green. I like the lettuce bits, the squidgy gummy lettuce bits. I take those out, I save them, and then I have a gummy salad because it's less fattening. It's less fattening, mate. Anyway, thanks for eating those, Paul.

I haven't eaten them yet, but they are to be eaten. I took them out of the equation so I could have them. Now, this does interest me, this one. A Mr. Corn Africa cocktail, as it's known here, which is a spice, South African spice flavour, but it's a spice mix. I mean, the equivalent in Britain is sort of like, there isn't one, is there?

Well, there's a sort of... Is it a Bombay mix kind of thing? It's almost like a Bombay. It's a flavour that you associate with a... Yeah, but it's African, South African. So I'll be interested to take those. We've got Takis. We love Takis.

Those are the rolled up corn chips. Maximum intensity, expert level spicy. So they're very hot Takis. Expert level spicy. Yeah, it's like, yeah, mate, stuff it in there. I'll try it at both ends and then we'll see how spicy it is. Here we go. Come on.

Just stick it right up your arse again. I'll have a taki coming out my mouth, one out my arse, and I'll get two extremely well-trained sheep to come and nibble. Why do you need two sheep to nibble it out of your bumhole? One for the tacky that's coming out my mouth and one that's sticking out my arse. This is the sickest thing I've ever had to listen to from your mouth. They're very well-trained lambs and they're all fluffy. And you're being spit-roasted by lamb.

No, they just come and they just nibble on the tackies that are sticking out my arses. Arses? The mouth of the arse. The arse of the face. Yeah, isn't that fucking true, mate? Isn't that true? My mouth is the arse of my face, Paul. Okay, so we've got the tackies.

We're not going to try those, but I'll tell you how hot I feel they are. But they are a good brand. They're very tasty. And I've seen people that eat them with an instant noodle, which, I mean, we've got to try that. Definitely when we get back into the noodle kitchen. We've got Huevo Frito Crisps. And he's helpfully given me a little pronunciation guide there. Huevo frito crisps and he's uh helpfully he's given me a little pronunciation guide there huevo fito nice which are fucking fried egg flavor crisps i've never heard of such

a thing i have never heard and i've got things to say but i'll say them in a second when i'm tasting them because we are going to taste those today he also has chorizo flavored ridged potato crisps nice uh they're dead new, he says, because they're introductory. So we will taste those. They sound like they'd be good, don't they? Very good.

I can't imagine why they wouldn't. That'd be a nice flavour for a crisp. Very savoury. But he says they're dead new-like. And we've also got some Finney's sour gum, soft gum candies.

Basically Haribo's rivals in Spain. Now you say that, Dean, but I've seen Finney's stuff popping up all round here as well. So I think they're an international. Up round, round here, round round here. Up round, round there. Up round, down, up round, down here.

Up round, down here. Up round, down there, spuff it round here. Spuff it up down here. Stick a tacky in your arse, get a lamb to eat it. Up round, down, town round here. Up round, down, down, spuff around here Spuff it up, down, here Stick a tacky in your arse, get a lamb to eat it Up round, down, town, round here Up round, down, round here He's gone round, up, down, round, around here Up round, down, round here

Fucking hell Spuff it off, spuff it off, spuff my bucking off Spuff my chod off, spuff it off Spuff it chodding off You started it Blood my choddy spod blood. You started the spod talk with your chod blood. Chod my blood.

You've spodded off the blood chod, you choffy blood spodder. Mike, can we stop talking absolute fucking claptrap, please? And get on with the food tasting. Chupa Chups Infernal Sour Gummies. Okay, those... Are in my house. Are they? You bastard.

Yeah, because you've got the lollies, but I've got the sours. I've got the... I would like to taste those sours. I'd be interested to see Chupa Chups with their Infernal Sours. Well, I'll save them. I'll save them. I'll save them. And he's also sent Fresquito, or Fresquito.

These are well cheap, basically a dip dab, but with a bubblegum raspberry or whatever flavour lolly. That sounds... They sound like they'd be nice as well. So we'll be tasting those. And then the rest of the letter, he's sort of saying if we wanted to go to Madrid, he'd let us use his flat as a boning pad. Yeah, well, we ain't going to be boning no one in Madrid. If there's a billboard nearby and we could get a zip line coming straight into the bed in his flat. And if I could set myself on fire.

Then we could have a zip line boning procession bed in his flat. And if I could set myself on fire. Then we could have a zip line boning procession. Yeah, that's what I want. I want a bed by a massive French window that's open and a zip line from the bed up towards the billboard. I want the love of my life laid, splayed out on the bed. Ready for boning. Eagerly waiting for my arrival. I'm at the billboard at the top, stark naked, on fire,

with a massive raging erection. And then it goes... Yeah, and then the house explodes in a fiery orgasmic explosion of fiery lust. I'm going to start with a bony. And then I say, excuse me about that. I'm going to start with a bony, Paul. Alright, bony.ul all right bony what's a bony a bony is a well it looks like a chocolate covered twinkie with chocolate sprinkles chocolate hundreds of thousands you know yeah i know what you mean i know you're getting up and it's called

a bony and i think the bony might be referring to the white Cream filling which seems to run down The centre of this Cake, small cake Like a bone would Like a bone inside an arm So if you imagine the bony as a Sort of a robot arm of some Sort, the bone is Actually the creamy bit in the

Middle It looks like a Twinkie Let's see how long it takes Eli to get to an ejaculate gag let's see here we go start the clock I'm just gonna um get the huff off this bony first you want to sniff the end of the bony a little bit do you put your nose right up on the tip of the bony well I am I'm just trying to do the section Paul you know not be you know yeah distracted don't be distracted by the bony it's's got very much that cheap cake chocolate smell. I don't know if you know.

Yeah. I know what you mean, that manufactured sponge smell. Definitely. That's what it is. It's the sponge, but it almost smells like it's still got the alcohol in the sponge, like a sponge steeped in sherry. It smells like trifle, this bony. Oh, it does smell like trifle.

Because I was thinking of what was the thing you put in rum? The finger biscuits in rum, and then the cream. Yeah, it's all in that wheelhouse, flavour-wise. So, okay, so I'm going to bite the end off, see if I can get the cream filling to fill my mouth. You're going to put your mouth on the end of the bony, and then hope for a cream filling. I'm going to bite the end of the bony and get it to spunk into my mouth, okay?

There we go. There we go, ladies and gentlemen. You got there. Woo. Mmm. Mmm. Ooh. Ooh.

I never know with you. One reaction with your taste ends up becoming a different one by the end, so I never know what to think with you. Now, that is very nice. That is like a posh Twinkie. Yeah. I did not expect that to be a nice flavoured thing. It is nice.

I thought it would be chemically shit. No, it's more nuanced. It's got almost an alcoholic, like a sherry sort of... It's got jam in, which is above the spoffy bit, and a very nice touch, Paul, which I think you would appreciate,

is the chocolate's thicker on the roof of the bony. That's very important. It's got a chocolate sort of roof, which is thicker than all the other sides. Do you know what I mean? So you've got a little bit of a... Like a Jaffa cake. Oh, no, there's another kind.

There's chocolate cream. There's three kinds of cream. Well, two. One jam and two creams. When was the last time you ever had three bony creams in your mouth at once? That's very nice. Be lovely with a cup of tea.

Definitely nicer than a twinkie i'd say uh that was good give it uh give it four out of five i think oh good so you've approved the bony the bony is high on your list you managed it quite well should we move on to the uh what we've all been waiting for and what has been uh playing on my mind in uh my sleeping moments and my waking moments for a couple of days Paul. It's the egg flavoured crisps Paul. Well to be fair I have yet to come across any egg flavoured crisp

in my experience in a lifetime I never have. Now I was just about to say Paul you know because I was on digitiser and I said you don't get onion crisps don't it didn't I? Which I opened up a whole Pandora's box by saying you don't get onion crisps, didn't I? Which I opened up a whole Pandora's box. You did. You don't get onion crisps, yeah?

No. It's unusual to get onion crisps, yeah? And then everyone said, what about pickled onion? And I said, well, that's pickled, isn't it? It's a different thing. But anyway, apparently there are just onion-flavoured crisps. You came to be proven wrong. I love that. It's like, what about pickled onion?

That doesn't make a difference, does it? But I think... Riddle me this. No. proven wrong. I love that. It's like, what about pickled onion? How about a pickle? Makes a difference, doesn't it? Riddle me this. But I think it's safe to say these are the only egg-flavoured crisps I've ever seen. And what makes it even more unique? Can you think of one

other thing ever that has been flavoured with egg and is described as an egg flavor like egg flavored ice cream what yeah well pringles did an egg sandwich flavor i was gonna say when i said that sentence biffo did with stewart ashen there was an egg flavored pringle and i think i had it and i remember thinking it didn't taste much like an egg sandwich it tasted more like a kind of mayonnaise almost thing well that's it yeah it's all in that wheelhouse of flavors isn't it that's my word for the day wheelhouse um wheelhouse and um but i've never i'd it's just a very unusual thing

just to say egg i mean pringles got it because pringles always will have it you know you'll be at the end of the world and you've got it you'll say oh i've discovered this new molecule and it's it's called speed iridium and it's like it's only found on the inside of these vehicles that have come back from mars and you can scrape my new bits of it out and then we'll use it to power our future technology infernos uh to power ships going across the world and you'll go, it's a unique chemical in the history of mankind. And then Pringles will go, we've got a flavour of that. They've got a flavour

for every conceivable object in the universe. It's not even things that you eat. It's like, you know, black hole flavour. Yeah, it's like feeling of despair on a Sunday afternoon in the 80s flavour. You know what I mean? They've got everything.

Parental rejection flavour. Yeah. Smell of a daffodil from an aeroplane flavour. Grok bags quim. Why is that so amusing to you? To be honest, to me it sounds more like a Norwegian poem. Grok Bags Quim, brilliant. Oh, God. Oh, we're going to go for a picnic today.

We're going to go over the field, through the woods, and then we thought we'd settle down by Grok Bags Quim and have a nice little meal. Now, I'm going to do a proper half of this. Oh, yeah. You're going to do it surgically. I'm going to take the egg and put it into my half hole. You know what we need to get you, mate, for this?

A specially designed straw. We could. That is another one. But I was thinking, you know on trains, they have the clippers for the tickets, and they punch you a little hole. Yes. Get you one of those, and just punch you the corner of the bag, and you have a puff right away.

You've just given me an idea. I could use my nail clippers. That's what I've used before, isn't it? Yeah, you could use your nail clippers. That's gross to use the thing you use on your foot. They're very clean. No, they're not. Right, I'll use a penknife instead, just to surgically remove.

Your feet look like hay bales wrapped in pigs. No, they fucking don't. They're beautiful. They do. You've never seen my feet. I have. You're not privy to the beauty that my feet are. Mate, your feet are far from beauty. Right, I'm huffing this egg crisp. Let's put pictures up of our feet and then see what the audience

say is the best foot. Okay, but not today because I've got to do some things to my feet first. Right, are you ready for me to smell these egg crisps? Yeah, and to wash your feet. Here we go. The hoof's happening. He's pumping it like a bagpipes.

I've tried and I've taken a very deep medical-grade hoof of these crisps. Yeah. Oh, I just got it. Oh, it's a very slight egg film on top of a... Just... They do have a very deep potatoey smell, which reminds me of crisps from that part of the world. You know they've got that smell, continental crisps?

They've got that olive oil. I do know what you mean. Yeah. It smells more... Oh, but now I'm getting the egg, which is a very thin veneer, almost like fish oil. What kind of egg smell is it?

Is it the farty kind of egg or is it the kind of... No, it's the fishy... It's the fishy side of egg. The boiled egg. Yeah. Fishy side of egg? It's the fishy side of egg, Paul.

It's not... Is that the album from Grok Bags Quim? No, that would be a great album. The Fishy Side of Egg by Grotbags Quim. Yeah. No, it's... The egg smell is very, very subtle, but it is there.

But mainly, it's just getting that sort of high-quality, almost kettle chip sort of plain kettle chip smell. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And those Spanish crisps do have a distinct thing, because I was enjoying some olive oil ones. Just plain, ready-salted olive oil ones from that part of the world.

And they're very nice. Well, then, tear open the bag and feast upon the eggy crisps, Mr Silverman. From the weakness of that half, I'm thinking these have quite a subtle egg flavour. They're not going to be an overwhelming one. I wouldn't want an overwhelming egg flavour anyway, really. They look very high quality,

nice, very crisp crisps, very firm. Kettle-y. Yeah. Very kettle-y. Golden yellow. Oh, God! What's wrong with it? Weird. That was an instant reaction. Weird. That was almost as if you bit

into a stink bomb. It was a bit like that. The sulphur is released into your nostrils as you bite into these crisps. Really? There's none of that in the half, in the smell. Wow. Those are something else. Is it egg-like, though? Yeah, very egg-like.

Very, very fried egg-like. You know what it tastes exactly like? Have you ever done a fried egg and you fried it so much that it gets a bit crisp on the underside? Yeah. That's what it's like. It's like eating the crispy bits on a fried egg. Yeah, that is something. I was going to say, when you think of a fried egg,

what's the flavour you're thinking of? The white albumen or the yolk? You know what I mean? Is it the mixture of the two? It's a strange thing to say. What's going on here? Wow, they really taste like fried eggs. Weird.

That is bizarre. Is it a nice snack, though? Yeah. Because that first bite didn't seem fun. The accuracy of that flavour is really something to behold. It's like jelly belly level accuracy on the fried egg. Really? In fact, after you finish crunching it and it's mulched down,

it feels like you're finishing a bite of a fried egg. Do you know what I mean? Well, I mean, I've never considered it feels like you're finishing a bite of a fried egg. Do you know what I mean? Well, I mean, I've never considered it before. That's quite a nice... I don't know. They're quite nice. The accuracy is very high, but it's a journey as well.

It's a flavour journey in your mouth you're having because you bite it and then immediately the sulphur, you know, the eggy smell, the sulphury smell, rises through the back of your palate into your nose, yeah? And then you keep crunching and then the flavor develops into the back end egg flavor which is like which is you

know which is that other that like the yokey flavor i think you're describing do you see what i mean the other sort of not the sulfurous the other egg and then it finishes off it finishes off quite delicately with a little note of crispy egg bit at the end oh that weird well you've had a right old time haven't you do you know what would not be nice well you know sometimes you get a bit of indigestion you start getting really eggy burps and people can smell across the room and stuff imagine you ate a load of those and then you got the egg burps you'd have double egg burps you'd have fucking lethal double egg burp. Lethal ugled up burps. What am I saying? I don't know

what you're saying, Paul. Legal gubbled up bursts. I genuinely think my brain is just not happening. It's fine, Paul. It's just not happening. You're just tired. I am tired. I've been working nights on and off. I'm sad. I mean, I think that Stuart

should get a hold of these because that is really something. And Biffo would love those. That is really something special in the world of crisps, that. Because you don't notice that Pringles now are doing flavour mix-up adverts

where they say, with the regular, with the chive and cream. It's the cocktail sort of concept, isn't it? That's what Jelly Belly already did, didn't they? Yes, basically.

And now, also, while we're talking about food, Paul, have you noticed Frosties no longer exist? What? They've done a job on Frosties. They've done a Cheese Moments job on Frosties. Hang on, I need to check this out. I don't believe for a second. You can't buy Frosties no more.

You can't get no Frosties no more. Frosties. Do Frosties still exist, says the internet. Yeah, so there's no Frosties. What? Yes, I told you. Revelation. But they were great.

Yeah, they're not anymore. Tony's in a retirement home. I bet Tony's fucking watching people take Viagra and die in. It's a retirement home for snacks. No, it's a retirement home for tigers. Oh, retirement home. Yeah, it's a retirement home. In August last year,

when was this article put out? July 3rd last year. Whoa, this is from last year, this article. Yeah, they're gone, mate. But it's an American article. They're gone, because my friend of mine told me anecdotally, just the other day, said, mate, if you go into a supermarket and you look at the cereals,

you know? Mate, that's bizarre. Wait, hang on, I'm going on to Amazon. You can get them on Amazon? Oh no, it doesn't. It says currently unavailable. Yeah, because they don't fucking exist no more. We're behind the looking class here, people. This is not what I voted for when I voted for Brexit.

We've been lied to. We have been. A little bit of politics there, ladies and gentlemen. A little bit of politics. I'm and gentlemen. A little bit of politics. I'm also interested in these Africa, the flavour of Africa. Oh, do you want to try them now then? Go on, slip one in.

Well, we just said we'd do three items, didn't we? Yeah, go on. I'm in a good mood today. So you can have one more. Try one more. I'm going to try these Africa snack mixes. Now, I think we've tried filipino snack mixes before yeah um and checks do them checks mix is a similar product in america you know true yes

yes they like nuts and little bits of cracker and little things that they all mix and you may not have them when you drink a beer when you're watching some sport you drink a beer you know you've got the bowl on the table you you go take a piss, you get piss all over your hands, all drenched in it, all drenched, all drenched. And then you come out the toilet shaking your hands of the piss. They can't tell it's piss, Paul, unless it's particularly yellow, which it isn't. You couldn't tell someone's hands were covered in piss.

And then you shove them. Then you double fist the snack mix with them. And shoveling it up to your face like that. Ooh, and if there, you know what? If there were Brazil nuts in there already, you couldn't tell because Brazil nuts taste of piss already, don't they? Piss mix. I just want to hear you agree with me that Brazil nuts taste of piss.

I do like the taste of a Brazil nut, yes. It tastes of wee-wee. So, this is a product like that. Splishy splashy on my mouthy. This is Mr... From a... These things I'm going to... Africa flavoured snack mix I'm going to taste here, Paul, from Spain. It's from a company.

And now this is one of the better company names I think we've come across. Mr Corn. It's not that good. It is fucking good. Imagine Walkers were called Mr Corn. It's not that good. It is fucking good. Imagine Walkers were called Mr Crisp. Imagine Jureks were called Mr Johnny. It's just the worst thing to name

any food project. British Airways was called Mr Fly Fly. Imagine Marlboros were called Mr Smoky Smoke. Imagine nappies, diapers, pampers were called Mr Bum Mr Bum Cloth. Imagine Nintendo.

Oh, I can't fucking get a word in this week. Fuck this. A Nintendo what? Mr. Game Man. Yes. There is Mr. Game and Watch Man. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, they have done that there.

So, mate, it's just the laziest thing to do when you have a brand, to just call it Mr. or Mrs. or Doctor something. You don't want to call it Doctor anything. No, you don't want to call, like, condoms Doctor Sperm Catcher or something like that. Now, also, did you know there's a poker saying where you never want to play cards with a guy named Doc or anyone who is named after a city.

Don't sit down and play cards with anyone called Doc or who's named after a city. Doc Hollywood. Yeah. If the guy goes, hi, I'm Doc Detroit. Do you want to play cards? Run a mile. You say no.

Or they go, I'm Doc Portsmouth or something. Hey, everybody. I'm Doc Hemel Hempstead. What I'm interested in though is it's called like Flavour of Africa and he says this is a South African, says in the letter doesn't it? It's a South African spice mix

Right. Mr Corn are obviously very proud of their spice mix because you've got little photographs on the cover of this packet of snacks where it has little bowls full of spicy stuff in there so they're going, we, you know, the spice is what it's about here at Mr Corn on the cover of this packet of snacks, where it has little bowls full of spicy stuff in there. So they're going, we, you know,

the spice is what it's about here at Mr. Corn. It is the spice. Well, get onto it then. Get onto it. I'm just going to ask you, Paul, if you had to guess what this Africa spice flavour was, what do you think it would be? I can only imagine it's quite,

I don't know why, but quite sweet. I imagine it's like spicy, but quite sweet. So you're going for like a sweet and spicy sort of. Yeah. I think it's going to be more dry. More dry, almost like a dry curry sort of. Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're going to go sweet. I mean, we both agree that it probably has some spice in it, but you know, some heat, some hot heat. Yeah. But you're saying it might be sweet on the sweet side. It's definitely got some hot heat, Eli, as opposed to cold heat. Don't try and do a you doing me on

you. You can't do it. Well, I'll do you. Yeah, I'll let you win. Yeah. How? How hard? Really hard? Gentle at first. Just piercing the just piercing the bottle at the start. Oh, come on. And then, once it wants us a bit of give, then I'll take.

Right. We've lost any charm, mate, this podcast used to have. Just eat your nuts. I'm having a half. Oh, I think your prediction is the one. Really? Yeah, there's a sweetness and there's a spiciness coming off the half. Only like a honey kind of sweetness, you know? Yeah, yeah's a sweetness and there's a spiciness coming off the half. Only like a honey kind of sweetness, you know?

Yeah. Yeah, totally. Now, let's see what the mix actually consists of here. Go on. I'm just going to shuffle a little bit out into my hand. You've got nuts. I do. You've got peanuts there, and I think they're coated ones.

Biggest nuts you've ever seen. They're coated ones. There's little cornflake things. Yeah. You've got corn nuts in there. I think that's the corn from the Mr. Corn. Textbook. And that's about it.

Well, there you go. All little knobbly things. Oh, no, that's another corn. Right, I'm going to taste it. Wolf it. Oh, down in one. Ooh. All right.

What flavour are you getting, though? It was very much what you said. There's a sweetness and a sort of sweet curry flavour, almost. Oh, okay. Nice. Yeah, they're reasonable. Yeah, pretty inoffensive. Not much kick to them. much what you said there's a sweetness and a sort of sweet curry flavor almost oh okay nice yeah they're inoffensive yeah pretty inoffensive not much kick to them texturally good because you've got all the like the cornflake texture and the cornflake texture and the peanuts in there oh they're quite nice it's quite nice as a snack to have on a bowl you know next to your table coming off the back of the revelation of those fried egg crisps and their majesty, everything's just going to look dull.

Like, you know. The world has become dull now. Monochrome. I only live for egg-flavoured crisps. Egg-flavoured crisps have shown you the multitude of colours that exist within the galaxy outside of the range of our perception. You say that, I mean, you joke, but Paul, there was a proper fucking flavour journey with those crisps

happening in my mouth. I saw it. Yeah, so, you know, they were good. And a proper fucking flavour journey with those crisps happening in my mouth. I saw it. Yeah, so, you know, they were good. And so, is that the end of Cheap Eats? That's it. You've had quite an exciting bunch of mouth adventures today, Mr. Silverman. And I think, you know, you need to calm down and relax now. If you want to see photos of this food stuff, you can go to our website.

Thecheapshow.co.uk And the rest of the stuff in the pack will be featured in a Patreon podcast coming soon so yeah if you do support us on Patreon you get extra content extra content

extra content I mean it's it's not extra in that it's not of a higher standard no it's not like that it's just quantity you get more of it

more swearing I say stuff I would use the word extraneous you know what Paul I'll say I'll put anything up my arse well let's find out

when we do our next Twitch stream you know like will it blend it's like will it fit it's just no people do that

I just talk about it me trying to fucking hoof kick a lamp stand up your arsehole I'm all mouth and not I don't really you know

I don't know if you want to put up the thing online where you say yeah baby I'm all mouth no I don't want to say anything right I don't know if you want to put it online where you say, yeah, baby, I'm all mouth. No, I don't want to say anything. Right, do you want to do one last sound effect for the show then? Oh, let me see. Oh, you know what would be good?

Come on, quick. Get some saucing. Get some saucing noises. Come on, get some saucing, quick. All right, you ready for the sound effect? Yeah, here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, join us after the sound effect for a wrap-up section of the show.

Oh, there we go. Ladies and gentlemen, join us after the sound effect for a wrap-up section of the show. Oh, there it is. Yeah. And that's it for Cheap Show this week. Thank you for continuing to support us by listening, sharing,

loving, and commenting on all our social media platforms. If you, the listener, would like to get in touch, you can by going to, I don't know, Twitter, for example.

At the Cheap Show pod, I'm at Paul Gannon's show and Eli is... My representation on Twitter is signified by the letters E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. Spells Eli Snowde, I'm there. Yeah, that's where you can get it. If you'd like to send us anything into the P.O. Box, please do. Cheap Show, P.O. Box, 1271 Harrow, HA33NS. But if you go to our website, thecheapshow.co.uk, why, it's a one-stop shop for everything you need.

There's a link to Tony's merch. There is a link to Event's amazing Cheap Show magazines. There is a page for every episode with pictures and videos to accompany them. There's a little bit of a bit of everything there you can go there thecheapshow.co.uk Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul I'm now offering

yoghurt nipple smears what on? glass why are you offering that? no I don't want it well I'm not offering you anyone who gets the right price

oh if they Patreon a certain amount I used to do beer so if you want to Patreon us by the way ladies and gentlemen go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show and you may donate exactly the amount of money Eli needs

to slather yoghurt on his gaping hairy arsehole. No, not my arsehole. What do you think I am, a monster? I'm going to slather yoghurt of a high quality, a thick Greek yoghurt, full fat, onto my nipple area and then I run in the night, I run down your garden. Straight in. Plonk!

You get two little perfectly formed yoghurt moons. Nip splats. Yoghurt moons on your window. If you see the yoghurt moons, you know Eli's been, and he's very grateful. Alright. And just in case, if you leave out a little bowl of fried noodles

and a little sauce, you know, that helps him get through the night. I like this. I could definitely do that. It'd be very freeing. I think you should just do it altruistically, just randomly go to people's houses. Oh, I'd do that. Yeah, I'd do that already.

Or what about we do Eli smears on Brutalism, where you find a Brutalist building you really like and you just smear a sauce or yogurt of your choice on the wall of it? I wouldn't want to deface those monuments to a future we never arrived at, Paul. But, mate, you could smear it and then just take a picture and then wash it off. Yeah, but then I'd have to – what would I wash it off with? Spooge. Spooge. Spooge.

What? So, okay. Officer, I'm sorry for my friend, but I know you just saw him smearing jam on a building, but trust me, he's going to get it off when he ejaculates his massy, gizzy load all over the front of the building of Department of Work and Pensions.

And then the police could come up to me and I'd go, Oh, chug my knobby, broth right off, chod my knob right off, chod it off, broth right off, chod knob knob, chod broth, choddy hole, chod knob hole, chod mob knob knob hole, spodgy choddy knobby bodge. I just, you know what? That's it. When we get to the point where you all just say the words

Bobby Sludge Bodge, we're just done. That's it. We are done. We're done. just say the words bobby slodgepodge we're just done that's it we're done goodbye bye ladies and gentlemen see you next week bye