CheapShow - Ep 187: Sentence Nonsense

Episode Date: July 17, 2020

There is more sentence nonsense this week in an episode called "Sentence Nonsense" featuring Paul & Eli playing with a Tomy toy called "Sentence Nonsense". As you can imagine, it helps the chaps build a lot of nonsense sentences. Not that they need any help doing that. Elsewhere this week, Paul regrets ever mentioning the highly suspicious "Frosties" famine, the PO Box delivers a new, bespoke Price of Shite and Eli becomes obsessed with putting his fingers into places he probably shouldn't. Typical. And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-187-sentence-nonsense If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Podbible Interview: https://podbiblemag.com/2020/06/12/a-special-cheapshow-celebration/ MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Paul is writing a book! Want to help make it happen? https://unbound.com/books/ghosts/

Oh, ho, ho. Yes, it's here. We're here. Ooh. Time for the Cheap Show. Aha. Now. Is that it?

You've given up 30 seconds in. Is that it? That must be a record. Paul. Yeah. You're drinking. I'm not. Can we talk about that?

No, we're not going to talk about the drinking. I've just decided. We're not going to be talking about that. I've just decided when we do Cheap Show when we're doing it remotely, I like to have a little, you know, bourbon and ice just to the side,

just here. It's nice. It's like refined. It's not refined. It's a tricky, slippery slope. Also tricky. And when you slip down

that slope, you've slid all the way down there and you're bumping your head on the way down and then there's a little nettle that gets you. Is this coming from experience, oh, master pisshead?

Oh, master pisshead. Oh, master pisshead. I am not old master pisshead, thank you. You're grabbing the crown of cheap show pisshead. Well, I have you know, it is just the one. I make it last. There's a bit of ice to dilute it. It's not that strong.

It looks like it's about the one which is four fingers deep. I like being four fingers deep. Yeah. Anyway. Do you? Welcome to Cheap Show. In a cow? What about in a cow?

Yeah, all right. You'd need four fingers for a cow, wouldn't you? You'd need a hole. And the thumb. You can't go cheap on a cow. They want the whole hand. Would they go, moo, put the thumb in, moo. Moo-aw.

Put moo-aw in. Yeah, well. And the sheep go. I say it every week. And the sheep, they only take one or two fingers, but they go, that's bad. They go, what? Oh, fuck off. No.

Welcome to cheap sheep. No, you give them. I got it. I got it. I got it, Paul. What? You give a sheep one finger. What?

Right? No, let's say you're an amputee. Like, your fingers, you've only got two fingers. Wow. And you've got a sheep. And you're friends with a sheep. You've had a long-term relationship. Yeah.

And you come out and you give it one finger. But it knows you have two fingers. It goes. Yeah? It goes. Yeah. And you come out and you give it one finger, but it knows you have two fingers. It goes, yeah? It goes Both. Both. Both fingers. Both fingers. No. No, no, no. I'm not having that one. That's bad.

That's so bad. That sounds like a goat, not a sheep. Well, it's a goat. They all look the same, goats and sheep. I can't tell them apart in the dark. then a cat would just go fist me i'll tell you what i'll tell you who's asking for it though paul no one's asking for it no one in the world asks for it there is a whole species of slutty animals that are asking there's not a species of slutty animals are asking for it. There's not a species of slutty animals. Bees. Bees.

Bees with their little frilly giving me the eye. Right, well. Winking their stingers at me. Winking their stingers at you. Let's just do the intro, all right? Welcome to Cheap Show. All right, right. What?

Welcome to Cheap Show. Welcome to Cheap Show. Is it an economy comedy? How? Let's do a call and response thing. Go on. So you say, welcome to Cheap Show. Is it an economy comedy? How? Let's do a call and response thing. Go on. So you say, welcome to Cheap Show. It's an economy.

And I say comedy. And then you say podcast. That's an echo. It's not a call and response because you're not responding. You're echoing. Well, let me just say that word. It'd have to be something like, welcome to the show. What's the show?

And then you say cheap. And I say show. Cheap show. Cheap show. Yeah. But then what about economy podaby podaby pod baby is that a thing all of this is not working for me including the idea i had all of it is bad and we are four minutes in and we haven't done the titles yet one thing one single

thing before we do the titles paul right is there is there a thing in this world which is called a chod hopper chod hopper i don't believe there is all right must have been a dream sorry let's get on with the show ladies and gentlemen welcome to the economy comedy podcast that we like to call cheap show welcome in your most welcome in i hate you and your fucking noodle posse people love noodles it's just a fact of cheap show you're gonna have to learn to fucking accept cheap show Tee show. Off-brand, brand-off, off-brand, brand-off.

Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep. Tee show. It's the price of shite. Paul Gannon. Eli Silverman. of shite paul gannon eli silverman welcome to cheap show and a go and a nuzzle hello welcome to cheap show i'm paul gannon and who's this cheeky chappy i'm eli silverman it's lovely to be here again paul on cheap show um and we've got a brimful of Asher show, which is brimful of goodies and content, isn't it? What have we got coming up on the show today, Paul? Do you think Asher has ever done like a gag where he's done, oh, that's a brimful of Asher or something?

Brimful of Asher. He's 45. I don't know. No, you know, you're tempting me now. You are tempting me. Everybody needs a nubbin for a pillow. Everybody needs a nubbin. Chawed full of spanky on the hopper five.

I've got a chawed hopper spanky. Wow. Chawed monkey spanky on the... And you wonder why I drink, ladies and gentlemen, on the podcast. To get through the pain. Fill my chawed hopper with spodger. Week by week, Eli, you leave the English language behind, don't you?

Like breadcrumbs, you just scatter them on the pathway to the candy house of madness that awaits you in the woods of civility. The woods of civility? Civility woods, yes. What, do you go and you be nice there and you do things for your neighbours? Yeah, and you're walking away from that to the Candy House of Madness. Yeah, okay, I like the Candy House of Madness. Come in, little boy, to the Candy House of Madness.

Do you have candy corns? We have candy corns of madness. Do you have lollipops? Oh, we have lollipops of madness. Do you have lollipops? Oh, we have lollipops of madness. Do you have meringue pie substitute? We have meringue pie. Meringue pie substitute? Of madness.

I'll take the candy corns of madness. Here you go, young boy, candy corns. I'll save some for my chod hopper spodgy. Of madness. Come on, just do it. What have we got? Today on the show, we are going to be giving a good old British try to the old game of the old favourite that we old guys like to play oldly.

It is the old, good old price of old shite, old good old shite. The prissy prissy price of shitey shitey shite. Yes. Donated by, yet again again the fantastic mark honeyborn he's given us a lovely little box full of knickknacks he's found and we're looking forward to playing because we don't know do we the answers are sealed it's a bespoke one i haven't looked at it paul i just want to assure you right now before we get into the body of the game yeah i have i've protected it i protected it from myself and i've protected myself for myself by locking it and i have the the number for the lock it's a combination lock

no one's seen that i've got someone else to set that for me and that's locked away it's under my bed i'm gonna have to go in there i don't know if i have looked at it it would have been in some kind of drug induced madness but no it's there i't seen it, just to assure you of that right now. Okay? And we have the best security surrounding the answers, Freddie... We do. Goon.

That's it. Because Jimmy Goon got killed. Oh, yeah, but Freddie Goon does do a bit of... I didn't want him on this job, though, Paul. Well, you know, I didn't either, but he was the best available and he was cheap. I can't him in the in the house of uh pickles you know what he's like it's like he gets turned on and then it's like he does get hard somewhere where does where was it he got hard it was in the lower half yeah it was in the downstairs area wasn't it it was in the downstairs

area yeah there we go what we got coming up After that, we've got another little Tomy treat that we hope will lead us on a merry adventure or two. Yes. That's it. Also, I want to bring this up now before we get started. I wish I'd never read that bit out about the Frosties because now I've had people all over Twitter saying, Oh, there's Frosties here. And there's Frosties here. And there's Frosties here.

I don't care. I don't care i don't care and my mistake was reading it out in a vain attempt to conjure up some cheese moment style conspiracy fun but paul it was me who brought it to your attention don't you remember because my friend had said to me that he couldn't find them in his supermarket and then you found that article yeah but that was an american article but then it turns out there's still 18 different types of frosties out there they have marshmallow frosties honey nut nut Frosties, egg Frosties. Do they have candy corn of madness Frosties?

No, they just had Frosties. Of madness? So what was discontinued then? I don't know. This is what I'm saying. As of right now, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, listen to the podcast. I officially check out of this argument. I don't want to talk about it.

I will not retweet anything anymore. I don't want to talk about it. I will not retweet anything anymore. I don't care. Oh, my God. I'm still interested. If anyone wants to get in touch with me about, you know, discontinued cereals, I'm your man. Yeah. Thank you.

Well, there you go. Frosties. What a lovely... Well, that's that segment. Also, I want to show off a little toy quickly. Eli, show you this. Look at this on the camera. What's that? I was just about to ask you what the hell that segment. Also, I want to show off a little toy quickly. Eli, show you this. Look at this on the camera. What's that? I was just about to ask

you what the hell that was. It looks incredibly modular. It is Jenga. Oh, it's like a... It's plastic Jenga. It's Jenga, official Jenga, but what makes it unique is that it's called Jenga Quake, and you build your blocks on this platform, and it vibrates like earthquakes when you play it

randomly. So I'll just turn it on very quickly and look, it's pulsing and vibrating, you know, to there. That's terrible. And when you move it, I'm going to take a little brick out. Oh no! Oh no, I can't believe it! Oh shit, hang on. That's going to fall

over straight away. It's stupid. I hate it. But it makes it exciting. No it doesn't. Jenga's exciting enough. If you want it, you could spice up Jenga yourself. Do you know how you spice that up? Get wasted.

Well, you just, no. Wasted Jenga. Instead of blocks, you put little sweets or like refreshers or oblong sweets or like, I don't know,

novelty condoms. As little prizes, little party favours that come out of the... So you turn it into like past the parcel with jenga yeah what about pickle jenga yeah well you've got pickles all stacked in a jenga combination you've got to take a pickle they haven't made cuboid pickles yet have they so

that's seen some use hasn't it the vibrate no i haven't used it for wanking you have yet now that you've given me the idea it's's a B-Day of love. And what I could do is put the little plastic base that vibrates right under my scrotum. Just rest the plums upon the top. Get a ham on your plums. And then as I'm, not to be coarse, but beating my meat, every now and then, as a surprise, it gives me a little vibrate. And it's like, oh, hello. Hello, cheeky.

That's good, isn't it? Yeah. And if I time it right, I can blow my load when the earthquake bit goes off. I can go... Yeah, might as well. I can say I'm just going for a Jenga nasty. Listen, don't try and take my nomenclature, yeah? Milky raspberry.

Milky raspberry. If you were drinking one, it'd be good. Drinking what? A milky raspberry. What's a milky raspberry? What's a milky raspberry? Yes, what's a milky raspberry? I'll tell you what a milky raspberry. What's a milky raspberry? What's a milky raspberry? Yes, what's a milky raspberry? I'll tell you what a milky

raspberry is, Paul. You know what a milky raspberry is. I don't. You need to tell me again so I can remember and then agree or disagree. One part tea. Yes. Yeah. One part raspberry herb tea. Right. One part milk. Right. Sugar. Drink hot. A la milky raspberry.

And do it when you're shoving Jenga up your arse. Well, we haven't found the good way out of this segment yet. So what do you want to do? Do you want to keep digging? Or should we just draw a line under this bit now? Is this the segment? God, is it still going? This is the first bit of the show, I know. Let's just end it. I've lost hope for the rest of the show.

I lost hope before we started recording. Let's crack on. Okay. Paul? I lost hope before we started recording. Let's crack on. Okay. Paul. Yes, Mr. Silverman, sir. Why do you call me that, Mr. Silverman? It's your name, isn't it, Mr. Silverman, sir? No. I want you to call me Dickie...

Dickie E-Boy. Dickie E-Boy? What? Do you want me to call you that? Yeah. All right, Dickie E-Boy. Paul. Yes.

Oh. Come on, I'm starting the theme off. Oh. What do you want me to say? The second word of the theme of this segment. Oh. It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite.

It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. Oh, it's the fucking price of shite. And that's right. You fucked it right at the end. You fucked it right at the end. It's shit. Let's start again. Let's start the whole show again.

What were you saying? Were you going to say, and that's alright? And that's, and, oh yeah, or something Yeah, exactly, you fudged it It's meant to be, and that's right The most singular and important part of the intro Okay, can we do it again, but do it really quick? No, because it's painful for us to do just then

It'll be painful for me to edit And it'll be painful for the people to listen back to, despite the edits. But I don't want to do it twice. I'm in pain now. We haven't introduced the segment properly. No. What's happening? What segment is this, Paul?

It is The Price of Shite, ladies and gentlemen. And that's right! No, that doesn't count if you don't claw back a victory. I clawed back a victory from the gaping jaws of defeat. The price of shite, ladies and gentlemen, is a game on this podcast where usually Eli and I go to a charity shop, buy a few items, and then price of right style,

we have to guess the prices of those items. Sometimes we mess with the formula, but by and large, they're the golden rules. Get the price spot on, two points. Or as we like to call them, a betwing. Oh, we do, don't we? Oh, a betwing. But if you get it within 25p either way of the final correct answer,

that will be just a one betwing. The betwings for me are very far, few and far between. It's been a while since we've betwinged. It felt like it's been a year since my lips last said betwing. Has it? Feels like it. I've got the Price of Shite here, Paul. It's a lovely little bespoke Price of Shite kit

that was sent to us. I have the answers. They are sealed. I have been bound for 24 hours to my bed and rubbed down every 15 minutes with anointing oils essential oils who rubbed you down tiramisu oils no who rubbed you down who if you were if you were bound to your bed but you had to be rubbed down who rubbed you down freddie goon he's running the whole rubbed you down he's running

the whole secretarial uh detail The whole security detail, rather. Not the secretarial. Sorry. Now, what I'm going to say is being bound to your bed so you can't look at the answers is one thing. What I want to know is what is the significance of a man rubbing you down with oils as you're strapped to your bed? Because I have to remain pure in thought and pure of soul. How can you be pure in thought when a man's rubbing you off as you're bound to your bed?

He's not rubbing me off, thank you. He must have. Get your mind out of the gutter. I bet he asked for a bit of a happy ending and you went go for it, mate. Fill your boots. He asked for a happy ending, Paul? Yeah, he was rubbing you down. Why would he ask for a happy ending? He's providing me a service. He should be offering me a happy ending, Paul. Yeah, he was rubbing you down. Why would he ask for a happy ending?

He's providing me a service. He should be offering me a happy ending. But he doesn't because it's all above board. It's an anointing with essential oils to clear the mind so I don't think about the prices. My cock is away in its panty drawer. It's not. Your cock is proud and angry, awaiting anointment from Freddy Goon's tender fists.

There's no cock anointing going on in the security detail of this podcast. Well, then, what a waste of time. I have in my hand a bag containing the bespoke Price of Shite selection. And who sent it in this week, Paul? I believe it was our good friend mark honeyborn not a real friend now price of shite answers no cheating you can see this is sealed yes they are

sealed when it was in my possession i also obviously did not peek it was impossible to it was sealed with a loving kiss so when i own you we will all know it was my betwings and my betwings were earned. And I earned the betwings alone. I alone earned the betwings. Right. I'm losing it. I'm losing it. Right.

Here are the answers. Now, with you, Paul, Mr. Gannon, sir. Yes. Yes. Yeah. This is me, Dickie Boy E-Boy, asking you. Dickie Boy E-Boy, asking you... Dickie Boy E-Boy. It doesn't work.

It just doesn't. Well, I'll be the judge of that. It's my name. All right, Dickie Boy E-Boy here. No, you won't be. I'm going to tell you right now, it's a ball bag name. Who are you talking to, Paul? You. Who else am I talking to?

No, but who? Because there's a lot of people here, so... There's no one. You have to say their name, mate. If you want to know which of the people here you want to talk to, what's their name? I'm not conducting the rest of this podcast like a fucking seance where I'm calling out to people in an empty room.

I wish you would. Eli, are you there? Come through the void. There is no Eli. There is only Dickie Boy E-Boy now. Now, I believe he sent a letter with a few parameters of the rules of the game. Okay, I think I've found that here. So have a quick scan of that. I think it's towards the bottom. I've got it. Okay, you ready?

I am. Hello again, Eli and Paul. Hello. Hello. Got another box of and Paul. Hello. Hello. Got another box of segments here for your perusal. One of the benefits to having a girlfriend... Fuck off, mate. Rubbing it in. What's all this?

Oh, no. One of the benefits of having a girlfriend who runs a charity shop is that I have to have a nose. I get to have a nose. No, you do have to have a nose for most things. Yeah, you do. He gets to have a nose, which is nice, I guess. He happens to have a nose no you do have to have a nose for most things yeah you do he gets to have a nose which is nice

I guess he happens to have a nose no he gets to have one I think they get they've got a nose section in the charity shop his girlfriend steals a nose for him

Eli if there was any if there was any noses on a shelf would you pick one yeah of madness and then I'd start a bogey collection in a jar marked Todd Bucket on a shelf. Would you pick one? Yeah. Of madness. And then I'd start a bogey collection in a jar marked Chod Bucket.

Chod. Chods. Chods number one. Chods number two. No. Chod offerings. Chod chunky chod fodder. Chodder. Right. He gets to have a nose. This is what he's saying. He gets to have a nose of what they get in. He gets to have a nose. This is what he's saying. He gets to have a nose of what they get in.

He gets to have a nose, Paul, of what they get in. So I've made the suitable donation and grabbed some tat for you. He's making a donation still. He's not ripping it. He's not getting special pickings. He's not going, love, get me the nice stuff, you know. Now that you've got a job at RSPCA, get us some nice stuff, yeah? Grease the wheel, love.

Let me in. Let me sneak in the back. I'm the type of guy who defrauds charities, yeah. Is that what you do, Mark? You come out at night when people have left bin bags in front of charity shop windows and doors, and he goes and has a rummage, and then he blames it on the foxes.

Dirty Mark. He's made the suitable donation and he's grabbed some tap for us paul we are the beneficiaries here because we have a lovely bespoke price oh de shite oh and i'm gonna be a rummaging and scrummaging around in it and pulling out an item very soon okay so just as soon as we get to the end of the letter fucking read it okay here we go i'm just gonna skip to the price of sight letter. Fucking read it. Okay, here we go. I'm just going to skip to the Price of Shite list. Yes, please do. Oh, here's the list.

I've got a list. So should we go through them in the list that he's said? Okay, yeah. Yeah. But I think he says something about the prices just after the list. Have a quick look at that. Yeah, I've got that. Do you want to get that information now?

Yeah, read that out because I think it sets some parameters. Can I just ask you, Mr. Gannon? Can I ask you? Dickie Boy Eli coming right at you. I'm not doing the Dickie Boy Eli thing. I'm just not. Dickie Boy E-Boy. Dickie Boy E-Boy says, have you got pen and paper?

I want to see the pen and paper, and I want to see our names. I don't have pen and paper. Listen, I went through. Give me a second. I'll get some. Jesus Christ. Yeah, I went through. So all that oil in, all the chains and the oil in.

I've got a pen and paper, all right? Now write our names. I'm doing it now. Let me see it. Oh, this pen ain't working. Oh, for flipping, flip's sake, flippy. Oh, it was working for a second and now it's not. Give it a good squiffing too.

I'm giving it a good squiffing. Right. He's off again. He wouldn't even... I prepare. I was on a... I prepared. I had to be put in an Iron Maiden overnight with oils.

Stop vamping. You're not good at it. Right. I've got a piece of paper. Look, see? That's wrong. You've written my name wrong. I haven't. E-L-I is how. I've got it written down. You've written my name wrong. I haven't.

E-L-I is how you spell it, right? No, you spell it D-I-C-K-Y-B-O-I-E-B-O-Y. All right. Try it again. Is that how you spell it? Fuck you. I'm not... Listen, I won't play.

And I could have cheated. I had to go through a serious regime with Freddie Goon, Fuck you. I'm not... Listen, I won't play. And I could have cheated. I had to go through a serious regime with Freddie Goon, tying me up, oiling me off, putting me in an Iron Maiden, and spiking me with a big pole. For you, he's writing something else funny.

Are you ready for your first item? Is this it now? Dickie Boy, Eli Dick Boy. Yes! That's what I like it. Right, got it. So it's Paul versus Dickie Boy, Eli dick boy. Yes. That's more like it. Right, got it. So it's Paul versus Dickie boy, Eli dick boy. Now, there will be per twings awarded in the manner which Paul summarised at the top of the segment.

And it will be standard rules in every way plus the three per twing bonus. Yes? Excellent. For the order. Okay. Now, here is the information. Here's the background. Here's the little lowdown on the sort of realm we're working within the framework,

the pricing framework we are trying to place the shite within. We need to hang the shite in the conceptual pricing framework, which I'm about to say to you now, Paul. No item. No item. No item. No item was more than £2. Right. Only £1.50. item no item no item was more than two pounds right only one pounds and 50ps so it's either going to be 50p one pound one pound 52 pound well he seems to be suggesting every item is either a

pound or 50p but it could be one pound 50 or two pounds because he said oh yeah any more than yeah yeah okay so it could be 50p one pound one, £1.50 or £2. That's the whole range of prices we're working with. It's refreshing. It's a refreshing... But also, does that mean two items might be a pound the same? Prices included separately. So, yes. Okay, here we go then.

What's the first item? No, no, no. There is more conceptual framework and world building for the pricing scale and structure which we'll be working. Go on. It came to £7.50. That's important info. Altogether. Yes. And it came from the RSPCA shop in Hereford. Right. Alright.

Are you ready? Gladiators ready for the first item? Yeah. Gladiators ready. I'm having a little scrummage. I've located the first item right what's the first item show it to the camera for me it's mustache straws oh god what's that well you've got some straws and then you have these plastic disc mustache things which we've have little hooks so they

hook on the straw right and when you raise the straw to your mouth, it appears that you have a moustache. That's very witty, isn't it? So they're just separate straws, blue, normal blue straws. There are five of them, Paul. Five novelty moustache things. Do you want to know what these moustaches are? Because it will affect the price of this shite.

This is proper shite. Novelty shop crap filling up the world with shit that no one needs or ever wanted. It's textbook charity shop fodder. Several thousand years

in a landfill sticking into a rat's arse in the future. Do you know what I mean? Some rat will have one at the end of one of these up its arse

in the year 3000 and we're going ahhh ahhh The little computer Wally will be folding them up into tiny cubes. I prefer to think of a rat

with it up its arse. Right. Of course you would because that's what you like, isn't it? You like animals, arses and discomfort. Right.

Are you ready for the first type of moustache? Yes. The American Standard. What's that mean? It's the default moustache for the United States of America. It's not too thick nor too short. Too thin thin why did i say short when there wasn't the word that was

there i know why and it's psychological fuck you no i'm happy with my height and the size of my knob you shouldn't be to either of those things it cuts a swathe i'd let me tell you that sonny jim no it doesn't it cuts a fucking swathe like a scythe doesn't it cuts a swathe. Let me tell you that, Sonny Jim. No, it doesn't. It cuts a fucking swathe like a scythe. It doesn't. It cuts a swathe through the chaff. A garden-variety earthworm nodding its head in the breeze has more of the swathe than your gangly, sad windsock of a disused penis.

It's gangly? Yeah. It's not too thick, not too thin. This is the American Standard moustache. Yeah. Centrally located and moderately groomed, the American Standard is often seen on Highway Patrolmen and Pawn Stars. Mmm.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. I hope you need a very strong liquor to be in the drinks that you are attaching these straws to, to make it all right, to make things okay. To make it funny. You know, meths or something. Marketing humour is my favourite kind of of humor you also have the devil notable for the sinister upward turn at the

tips that's the bits that will go into a future rat's arsehole the devil is the very emblem of evil the devil tells people you're not here looking for trouble trouble is here looking for you the handlebar dignified sophisticated refined and above all else menacing the more mere presence of the handlebar automatically makes you a card carrying member of the league of evil fuck off let's put some jokes in put some fucking jokes in you know i mean also i hate the way that it's like it's saying that mustaches are something some some kind of exotic almost thing. Do you know what I mean?

Well, no. What bugs me is that it's suggesting that the type of moustache has some kind of psychological impact on the person you are. Yeah, exactly. I mean, let's look at you. You have a beard and a moustache, but I don't look at you and look at that beard and think anything other than botherer. You're one of life's botherers.

What do you mean I'm one of life's botherers? You go around and you bother people. You're than botherer. You're one of life's botherers. What do you mean I'm one of life's botherers? You go around and you bother people. You're a botherer. No, I don't. But that's just what I see looking at your beard. It's not what you're really like, is it? When I look at your beard and moustache, I don't think, oh, shady character

I would not like to see in a pub. But that's not really you, is it? That's not really you, is it? No. Even though you look like randy santa you're not though are you i'm dickie boy e-boy yeah you're dickie boy e-boy the botherer right the next type of mustache is the chevron traditional symbol of sex and confidence the chevron wearer is lean serious and absolutely incapable of putting up with bull fuck off

marketing people. I've had right enough of you. And then lastly, the horseshoe, which is another post-apocalyptic rat-ass-bothering one with long, pointy ends. Right. The U-shaped track of hair. The horseshoe says a million different things

in a million different languages, and all of them are, I'm going to get this place on fire, set this place on fire. The horseshoe is the single... Oh, place on fire the horseshoe is the single oh fuck off the horseshoe is the staple of convicts bikers and general badasses no i don't buy that this is the worst item i've ever seen and i wish i never knew it existed it's pure bum toys for hyper intelligent rats today's tat is tomorrow's rat bum toy.

Now, Paul, I am going to need, it is traditional at this point in the proceedings, for me to ask you... A price. Well, I'll take the first guess, and then you can take the first guess on the next item. I'm going to go ahead and say that that is £1 on the nose. What say you, Mr. Silverman?

I'm going to undercut you. Yeah? And I'm going to guess one pound fifty... Fifty P. Fifty P. You don't know how to undercut. I'm going to undercut you by adding fifty P on top of your price. Listen, I took enough of that shit from you just now, calling me a fucking Randy Santa

botherer. You're right. I should have called you a misguided cult leader are any cult leaders not misguided though i mean you know they they've got some some would are cynically self-motivated by a power ego in the id that's still misguided they're misguided by their own by their own demented desires and and delusion does that make you anyone different than a confident young businessman up and coming on the career ladder? Are they misled? That's the question I'm asking you.

Yes. So anyone who wants to be successful, in your mind, is nefarious in some way. This is an original Bluebell Aerobee. Right. Are you ready? Next item. Next item on the list.

Yeah. Musical tune. Musical tune. What does Musical tune. Musical tune. What does that mean? Musical tune chips. That's it. Ah, got it, got it, got it. Now, this is interesting.

Musical tunes, yes. There'll be pictures of these items on our website, thecheapshow.co.uk. Aha. Now, I've worked out what this is, Paul. This is one of those musical cards, but it's just the musical bit. So you make your own musical cards because you've got the little, the chips,

they're little computer chips. Right. So instead of buying a card that you open and goes, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, this time you can just record onto it? Yeah.

How do you record onto it? That's what I don't get. So you get a little speaker, a little microchip, a little bit of sticky tape and what? Oh no, there's music, there's music already on these. And what, you get to pick speaker, a little microchip, a little bit of sticky tape and what? Oh, no, there's music already on these.

And what, you get to pick your favourite? Yeah, so shall I try one? Yeah, why not? Okay, so I take... I bet it sounds absolutely piercing. Right, let's try one. I'll put it... I'll stick it on the moustache thing. Oh, yeah. I'm going to mod the moustache card.

All right, now, what do I do? I don't know. You've got the whole thing in your hand i've broken one oh that's fucked it god they're all falling off oh they're fucked they're fucked mate what do i do press what how do i activate it i don't know right peel off protective paper yeah on the back of the musical choose device to expose adhesive all right done that align the notches on the musical choose device to the fold on the greeting card. Press in place. Oh, I've got to align the notches, don't I?

Yeah, because you've got to attach it to something so when it opens, it pulls the cord. Oh, here we go. I've done it. I've got it going. You ready? You ready? Here we go. It's very quiet.

I can hear it now. You ready for the other one? Try again. That one doesn't work. Right. Right, last one. Right, last one. God, these are shit. Wasn't that the theme

from love story or something it was like na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na yeah this one doesn't work either

oh there we go yeah it is that tune let's just do this for the rest of the show no let's not use this for the rest of the show i'm just i'm mesmerized don't take my little chip away right i want to guess the price so we don't have to listen to that anymore i can't make it stop make them stop i made it stop good no it's it hasn't stopped it can't make it under a pillow right right how much do you think it cost one pound fifty one pound fifty says mr silverman oh no no i'll go for two pounds for those two pounds sorry two pounds is what i've written down i'm gonna go for one pound

fifty terrible what terrible things. It is a terrible, terrible thing, isn't it? Terrible thing. It won't shut up either. It's playing in my dreams. Right. Next item. Number three. You've recorded those, have you? Yes.

The third item, Paul, is a notice board peg. I swear, can you hear it? It's still fucking going. I can't hear it. It's driving me mad, you know, when it's in the corner of your ear. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's that one.

Fuck you. Oh, right. That's putting into your fucking catawalling. This is a bit more likeable. It's got a robust feel. I'm showing you the third item now, Paul. It's a little wooden peg for a notice board. But how do you peg it on a notice board?

Simple, effective. It won't shut up. The thing won't shut up. Fucking. effective. It won't shut up. The thing won't shut up. Fucking fuck. Once you start them, they never stop. They're not... They're just disguised as little chips

that you put in cards. In fact, they're... Well, they have to turn off somehow because you put them when you close the card. Is it like light sets them off? No, it's a little hinge. I've broken the hinge to get them going and now they're permanently open. A bit like your mum's legs how fucking dare you you dirty naughty

I'm sorry Mrs Galen continually on this podcast attack my dear mother's good name if you're not attacking her if you're not being sexually suggestive towards my mother, you're also getting off on the suggestion that she likes to put big vegetables in ovens. There's nothing sexual about that.

It's an agreement that I come to with some people's mums about my vegetable in oven needs. That peg's 50p. I'm moving on. I think I'll stick with you there, Paul, and say 50. 50p. All right. Right, you ready for your next item? No, there's another six or seven. Oh, no.

No, there's only one or two. Tops. 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20. Stop counting things that aren't relevant to this. 21, 22, 23. Hang on. Hang on, Paul. 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29!

Right, what's your fucking item? Right, where is it? Where's the paper? This segment is already 33 minutes longer than I expected, and this segment's 33 minutes. Put on your joy specs, yeah? Have a little laugh. Have a little laugh with me. Come on then. The words, I'm looking at these words again.

It says stoned rat. Oh, it's a rat. Okay. I think he had a spelling mistake situation go on. He didn't spell check his work. It's a stoned rat. It does look like a little, it's a little toy rat. A little fabric rat. Very cute. And he has a resemblance to the 80s. He's lost an arm

as well. He's got string arms. He's lost one of his stringy arms. Well, maybe one of them wasn't there. Right. I've just had a scenario. Paul, this rat... Yes. Yeah? You're going to end up fucking this. I fucking knew it. The minute I gave it to you, the next destination

will be Eli's Cock End Central. Final destination, Eli's Cock End. Oh, where are we going today, darling? Oh, we're going to Eli Village. We're going to a little place there called Little Dick on the Balls. I have a fucking miserable time as I'm rutted up against Eli's dirty, hairy ball mound fest of genitalia that hasn't been washed since Princess Di's wedding. Princess Diana's wedding?

Anyway, this rat's got one arm, so I'm going to invite it to my farm where I've got the old blind sheep who likes a finger in, and he'll stick that in, and he'll know that the rat only has one arm, and he'll go, both! Both! Wow, this is getting better, Eli. Yeah, see? Callback. Right, now. Two pound for that, I. Yeah, see?

Callback. Right, now. £2 for that, I'm saying. Really? You're going the high end, yeah? Yeah. That's a deluxe cat toy, that. It is a cat toy, isn't it?

And it does have a resemblance to Roland Ratt, we were saying. The 80s TV host. Do your Roland Ratt impression. Go on. Ah, ratty. Ah. No, don't do teen yeti how did rolling around set that's it essex kind of boy but with blakey crossovers from on the buses you're gonna go fuck a sheep with my hand. Stop. Okay, stop. Last week was sticking things up your arse.

This week is your sheep violation obsession. One finger. That's all the sheep get. No, stop talking about sheep molestation. The rat agrees with me. One finger's enough for my sheep. Right, so, Paul, can I ask, in the name of gentlemanly sport and amusement, you've said £2 for the rat, yeah?

Yeah. The stoned rat. Now, I want you to tell me what your whole column adds up to. Well, we've got one more item, haven't we? Because I know it's £7.50 altogether for the thing. Yes. I've got £5, so already I'm feeling some of these prices are off. I'm going to go for £1.50.

£1.50. So, at the moment, your overall to go for £1.50. £1.50. So at the moment, your overall price comes to £4.50. Last item, Paul. Yeah. This is quite a nice item. This is probably my favourite of the lot. It is some RSPCA branded character rubbers.

And they are all animals. No sheep. There's no sheep, which is a shame. That's probably for the best. Now, you've got a piggy. A piggy wig. Doggy. Mr. Waffles.

Catty. Mr. Cat Meow. And Badger. Colonel Badger. Badger is there, but Badger is doing his own thing, because if Badger is feral, all of these other animals are domesticated. True. Now, I'm going to say £2, and it's purely for strategic reasons because i need

to get it up to near 750 you said 150 by the way oh for that yeah sorry two pounds yeah i'm gonna say two pounds as well okay it means i think we're very wrong eli it is time to reveal in one of the most protracted games of the price of shite we've ever played the final scores eli reveal the prices okay i will do that paul i'm happy to do that, but I do need to retrieve them because they are in the security detail. They are. And I've been, you know, I don't even know where they are exactly because I couldn't,

I've been chained down, I've been oiled regularly, and I smell of oranges now, but I'm going to do the special tap. They're going to open the locks and then he'll come through. Yeah, go for it, go for it. He'll're gonna open the locks and then he will come yeah go for it go he'll come through yeah and then uh yeah uh yeah okay so just just wait just wait a second yeah freddie yeah all right later i promise freddie come on. Downstairs. Yes, downstairs.

Now. Okay. Thank you. Downstairs. Very hard. Yes. Okay. Now, Paul, I've retrieved the answers. You've finished your little play for today, have you?

I've retrieved the answers now, Paul. Here we go. They are clean as a whistle. And there is the seal. You can seal the seal. Yeah. Break the seal now, Mr. Silverman. I'm breaking the seal. You can seal the seal. Yeah, break the seal now, Mr. Silverman. I'm breaking the seal.

Hear that? Oh, satisfying. That's the ripping sound of the tape. First item. I said £1. Eli said 50p. The actual price was? £1.50.

Ah! Oh, we're both out. Double out. What was that again? That was the straws. Mustache straws. Oh, God. £ out. Double out. What was that again? That was the straws. Mustache straws. Oh, God.

150 as well. Next item was the musical horror nightmare of madness. That will never stop. You said two pound. I said one pound 50. And the price I have on the piece of paper here, Paul, is two pounds. Between, between for me. Only for me.

Oh, he gets it. Between, between. Oh, the nusslage. That will be coming. Ooh. Right. All right, come on. Next item, number three, the clothes peg.

The peg. We both fed 50p. We were both out. It's £1. Oh, fucking hell. The next item, the stoned rat. Stoned rat. I said £2.

You said £1.50. The stoned rat was £1.50. Number two, twing! Fucking hell! P-twing-a-twing-twing! A-ming-a-twing-twing-a-twing! And finally, the RSPCA erasers, we both said two pound. They were one pound and fifty pence.

Oh, mate. So, at the end of that... At the end of this game of Price of Shite what are the between counts now paul please paul gannon did not get a single between in the whole session but eli races ahead with four betwings from a possible 10 it's been a good day paul i tried to get the betwings you know i was out there i just tried to guess the the answers because what that's what this game's all about is guessing the answers so i'll try and do, try and concentrate on that and try and get it as close as I possibly can. And I'd just like to say thank you.

Thank you for Freddie Goon for guarding them. There's no question of any kind of impropriety or me getting spoffed off by a huge hulking gangster with his big gleaming teeth and his lovely linen trousers. Well, ladies and gentlemen, Eli Silverman, your prize tonight is your very own sheep with a special fist available size arse on

for your own fun and games. While you won't be going home with just one or two fingers, tonight you're taking home a whole fist's worth of sheep, Mr. Silverman. Oh, fuck this for a laugh. Jesus Christ.

And we're back from the sound effect. It's time for a brand new bit of the show we've conceived here. Right here for you. No, we're not doing that. We're not doing that segment. No, it's still, it's a new toy. Mate, oh dear, you rushed straight in all blustery all full of confidence oh don't get me wrong i like to see it but how about i give it a no you went listen i think i can nail this intro to this section right in nail it right

in but you don't now poor you don't know what this segment is i don't know exactly what it is i just need another go please give me one more chance to shine built for success all right i'll put the sound effect in again now and you can just you know do it from there okay sound effect please right enjoyed the sound effect good Now it's time for a freewheeling fantastic another fucking episode. Segment of... There we go. There we go. The wheels came off at the first corner. You and I, Paul, we both love Tomy toys here on this podcast.

Tomy this, Tomy that. We love it. We love them physically. And I refuse to do the rest of this segment in the tone of a football commentator. It's what you're apparently doing. It's the only way I want to talk. I don't want to talk to someone pretending they're doing grandstands right now. Right, this just in, Paul. Is it two fingers up a sheep's ass?

I'd forgotten about that. Totally. Right, we've got this'd forgotten about that. Totally. Right. We've got this Tomy toy, Paul. Yes. So a bit of a backstory then. Over the last year or so on Cheap Show, we've discovered and fell in love with a number of Tomy items.

Tomy, Japanese toy company, but they had a thing going on in the 70s and 80s where they made what we like to call physical platform games, like elaborate ball bearing, mechan maze labyrinth booby trap salt course type plastic toys there's one called ah and yeah and i've got wow wow over there yeah and we've got those pocket ears which were like pocket little toys poker version of the pocket ears i also my favorite tomy discovery paul were the eggs uh which were the tomy The Tomy eggs? For very young children and are just sort of toys,

but are beautifully conceived, designed, and just a lovely toy. Lovely, lovely toy. And it's the aesthetic that you like, isn't it? Yes, absolutely. And I also have the Noodle Vehicle, which is another Tomy. Tomy are...

Oh, it was as well. Tomy are great. They have a similar sort of level of world building and creativity to Nintendo, I'd say. But they just, it's not as focused, obviously. No. To me, I thought you were going to say like Fisher-Price. They have a similar kind of ethos to Fisher-Price. That's right.

Dependable toys, well made. Yes, but Nintendo did used to make toys, didn't they? And they had a sort of Tomy feel to them, the Nintendo toys as well, didn't they, wouldn't you say? When they made toys, yes, they thought to some extent outside the box, which is why you had

the grabber and the love tester and all those weird things that eventually led to the Game & Watch, you know, and then Nintendo changed from that point on.

Did Tomy ever venture into pure electronics or sort of computer game territory? I mean, they did do a lot of LED and LCD games. A la Game & Watch, like Game & Watch type things.

Yeah, but more like table-based stuff. I want to say there was a game they did called Kong Man, or no, Cave Man, which was a little tabletop LED game. I remember my friend had that. I've played that. Yeah. That was good. I don't want to do the research because, you know, whatever,

but I do believe they strayed once or twice. So they have a lot of stuff that is original that they do, but they also seem to be willing to try and sort of jump on the back of other successful brands and stuff, don't they? To some extent. But I think they're just primarily a young – they make toys for younger children. And I think it's strange in many respects,

like the demand for those kind of toys like WoW and R isn't there anymore. They just don't make those kind of toys now. No, but they appeal to me. Yeah, I remember in the 90s, and we haven't touched on these yet, but they did the water puzzle tower and the water puzzle games, which were like you filled them with water and they had a little pump button. And you had to pump, like for instance in the famous example, you had to pump a bunch of ghosts into Pac-Man's mouth.

Yes, I've played that game as well. Those were great, but you do get extremely cheap versions of those knocking around these days, don't you? You do. But they're not by Tomy. I think we've even had one or two on the show. The Tomy ones are always going to be, you know, at least a good standard of build and stuff. Now, this Tomy toy is a vintage one, and it was sent to us by Yvenne, the amazing, talented Yvenne, who, if you want

to buy the official magazine that she's made it is uh at cheap mag dot shop and you can get physical editions of those amazingly well put together magazines and we highly recommend you do and if you're a patron you get them anyways digital downloads that's exciting uh so this is was sent to us and she also sent me the Tomy vehicle, noodle vehicle she did didn't she I love this item as well and is it in the Pocketeers range because the size is exactly like a Pocketeer

it is the same size but I don't think it is I'm going to examine the back tell everyone what you've got there Mr Silverman it is a Tomy Pocket Game maybe that's the line, Pocket Game rather than Pocketeers. And it's called, it has a lovely illustrated panel on it, and it's called Sentence Nonsense.

Sentence Nonsense. And it's exactly what it says on the tin, Paul. It is a nonsense sentence generator machine. And how does it do that? It has a lot of tiles in the covered section at the back. You shake it all around, and those tiles randomise. They randomise, Paul. And there's a slit.

There's a slit running. There's five slits all in a row. And there's five slits all in a row. And each slit opens into a little viewing chamber where the tile will be selected into when I've randomised it. You can hear it shaking around there. It's got a lovely little rattle, lovely weight to it. And I was saying, they kind of slide out like...

Tiles. The prices used to come up on an old till, an old cash register. So it's no electronics, it's purely mechanical, and it's a five-word sentence. And the tiles are also designed beautifully with different fonts for the different words and little illustrations, little diagrammatic illustrations on there as well. So basically, it's like those story cubes we've used, but instead they're tiles that you shake and slide out into a pattern that you make into a story. And it's got a lovely little Tomy trademark on the back and a date. Made in Hong Kong and

from 1975, the year of my birth. Oh, it's as old as you! But it was interesting that Tony were making pocket sized toys for kids way back when. They're like mobile phone sized sort of thing, aren't they? Like deck of cards. And my theory now is I think all the Pocketeers are the ones that use magnets

and ball bearings. Or springs. Yes. But we are going to play a little game with this object, aren't we, Paul? Because this sentence nonsense generator, Tommy Pocket Game, it makes sentences. And we are creatives. We are professional creatives. We are.

And this is what we do. We're the weavers of dreams. We're the... We build tapestries of imagination. Welcome to my memory castle. Yeah. Snuffle at the truffle house. That was very poor.

That was very poor. It was very poor. Snuffle my bollocks. My bollocks are emanating the waft of pure creative joy. Yes, I am bulbous with creative juices and I wish to squeeze them out through the whims of my mind in order to create a cross-stitch image of beautiful story imagery. Do you know what, Paul? I wish this phone had like a grill on it and the air went through so you could suck up my bollock oil, the stench of my bollock oil.

One of the benefits of not having to have been doing the podcast in the house of pickles is that i am free of the various and varied stenches that emanate from your room one day it could be a salty smell the next day it's a really funky beefy hearty gut gut gutty i don't know gutless i don't know chunky fecal smell it's a chunky fecal smell and then some days it's a bitter acrid stingy lemon piss kind of thing i have to keep the miasma going here it's a very delicately balanced ecosystem as we know you know what scribbles scribbles weren't meant to live in bedrooms they were meant to live on dung heaps. So what you're saying is your bedroom's like SeaWorld. You have captive creatures in that are too big for the space you live in,

and they suffer. They're not mine. It's the old man of the mountain. Don't introduce that character. It's rubbish. What character? And every time you bring up the old man of the mountain character, I'm just going to step on it.

I'm just going to ruin it and kill it dead. Why? Because it goes nowhere. We've already got Teen Yeti. No, he is Teen Yeti. That's what I call him now. How can Teen Yeti be the old man of the mountain? And a man.

He started in the 80s. He was a teen then, but now he's, you know. So what, you're saying he uses the name like New Kids on the Block shouldn't because they're no longer new or kids or near a block. Exactly. It's his stage name but he's actually well there's speculation but he's in his sort of late 50s he's been hiding his age for this time that's why i call him the old man in the mountain he's just peering out at me from

out grot pants well this is a revelation sometimes you hear a bit of music coming i think he's working on something very good well we don't know about that you know because he's gonna have to address to his fans he's gonna have to address the whole thing that happened on the train. Well, he came off social media, didn't he? And he came off Facebook. Yeah. Well, you know, Yeti book. And he just looks out his window sometimes.

And when you look up there, his face goes away. Spooky. And you think, what the fuck is he up to in there? In the lab. Anyway, he feeds the scribbles. He still has to feed the scribbles. So, you know, the skiddies get delivered and it's as the smell gets even worse when the skiddy gets delivered it's tuesday skids delivery uh day and uh he does appear he appears at the garage

in a bathing gown usually so i'm just gonna do the uh international recognizable symbol for wrap it up we'll get move on all right move on right i'm ready'll move on. All right? We'll move on. Right, right. I'm ready to move on. So how about you generate a sentence and I'll do a story, all right? We'll do story time. No, but what? Do we have to include the sentence in the story?

No, we have to use each symbol as part of the story. No, see, that's not going to work. I didn't want to bring this up actually whilst we were recording, Paul, but it's not going to work like story dice because you'll notice this is sentence nonsense this isn't story dice generator well then how about the sentence is the title of the story you will tell okay sure give us give us a sample shake see what we come up with okay i'll give it this is good we'll give a couple of samples just to see what we're dealing with here yeah yeah okay the. Okay, the first sentence, sample sentence, and you won't be asked to be making a story about this one.

This is just a test sentence. The excited electric clown ran sideways. Right. You see, that's a whole sentence. It's not elements of a story. No, but maybe it's the starting point of a story or the title. Okay, we'll try again just to get... Trying to get them of a story or the title. Okay. We'll try again just to get... Trying to get them to come out of the slit.

Come out of the slit. You ready? Yeah. The round candy girl screamed upside down. Right. Candy girl. Let me write this down. What was it?

The what? Round. The round... Candy. Candy girl. Screamed. Screamed.reamed Upside down Alright, okay, here we go

Is it you? I'll start off with this, here we go I have to listen to this, do I? Yeah, and you have to judge me on how well I incorporate this sentence into the story I tell Okay, well, just to remind you, I have the sentence here I have it here, I've written it down The round candy girl screamed upside down Yeah, just to be sure

I've got it, I've written it down. The round candy girl screamed upside down. Yeah, just to be sure. I've got it. I've written it down brother. Here we go. Is there a timer? No, I'll just keep it short. Just do like two minutes tops. Just a short story. Here we go. It better be interesting. Let's find out. Alright. And so the story begins. Tingle, tingle,

tingle, tingle, tingle. One day, I woke up in my lovely, cosy bed in the dingly Ganondale. Oh, fuck off. I looked up at the sky and I saw Mr. Sun shining down on me. Hello, Mr. Sun, I said. And Mr. Sun beamed his lovely warm beam all over me facey kins. So then I slipped on my jolly wolly pin pants and skipped

out into the Dingley Dell Forest. And the Badger Award! One day, no, today, the day I'm telling the story, this day I bumped into Alan Rat. And Alan Rat said Oh yeah, have you heard what's going down

in Candyland? And I was like Oh no, tell me Oh there's a terrible to do You've got to head down there straight away They're asking for you Asking for me I said, Alan And he went, yeah, stop wasting time So I waited at the bus stop

and got the Jolly Jelly bus all the way down to Candyland. Where there I saw, oh, a strange commotion. Everyone was huddled around the big old jelly old tree, old lovely old jelly tree, gummy gum, yum yum. And I moved up and everyone was going, oh, no, see, kids, what's going on? Loo-lee-la-lee-lay. Oh, sorry. up and everyone's going, oh, no, see, kids, what's going on?

Loo-lee-la-lee-lay. What's up? Paul, can I just ask you? No, Paul, Paul. I'm getting to it. I'm getting to it. So you're going to say the sentence. I'm getting to it. You're ruining my flow. So I push through the crowd of people from Candyland

and there, oh, I saw a strange sight indeed. What I could make out was a little candy girl hanging upside down from her knickers in a tree, and the round candy girl screamed upside down, Get me down from this tree! And I went, oh, I'll help. And so I took out my massive machete and I hacked the tree down until it collapsed

and she could roll off safely onto the ground. And everyone went, oh, Paul, it's so good that you carry a big machete around with you. And I went, yes, I do. And everyone made me tea and I went home, and I went to sleep, and that's the end of my lovely, jolly,

num-num-num, gummy-gummy, yum-yum story for lovely lady plops and diddly-dinky-dong-dongs. There you go. Don't, don't. The end. It was pretty good, that. Bravo.

Pretty good, that. Bravo. Paul? Yeah? Don't, one, one thing I noticed, you tried to put in one of your smash hits, Madame Lady Plops, just to say it at the end. It's a little bit of an Easter egg.

It's not an Easter egg, it's remember that thing I did that was actually good and that wasn't this thing that i'm finishing now don't you judge me also the girl was round incidentally you just said round girl it was no there was nothing about her roundness that impacted the story at all or was it in any way she was round yeah but that's that's a cop-out, okay? And also, I didn't like that. And also, I didn't like... It's very, I don't know, almost problematic. She's hanging by her knickers. She fell out of a tree.

How old is this girl? She's trying to get a candy apple down, and she fell from a tree. So she's... But she's getting wedgied, like, to a sort of surgical degree by her knickers. No, she's hanging upside down from a tree by her knickers, and everyone can see her bum.

Yeah, but what's... So all her weight is getting supported in the knickers. It must be riding right up there. No, she's upside down, remember? Hanging from a branch. And how are the knickers staying on then? They're quite tight knickers, so they've... It's just the branch has gone right through the gusset and kind of...

I see. And kind of just like... She's kind of just like kebabbed the gusset of her crotch on the branch. Not nice. She's hanging upside down. Not nice. You know? Yeah, and you make yourself to be the hero of this.

You could have hurt her. You're very reckless and dangerous. A dangerous man with a big machete. And it just seems to be sort of wish fulfillment and this sort of kind of penis envy thing running through the whole thing. Are you ready for my story? Yes, I'm ready. Out of 10, what would you give my story?

It wasn't your best effort, Paul. It really wasn't. And trying to dress it up with gummy this, wiggly that, wooby woob this. I thought it was very effective. You tried to make it twee and wistful by just putting in jelly sound words, and I did not appreciate it i'll be doing the opposite i'm going punk rock on this deconstructed punk rock get ready right okay well then here we go what have you got what's your sentence right give it a good shake it's

like the dice man the silly polka dot clown flew at night to Say again. The what? I want to write this down so I make sure you're not cheating. The silly polka dot clown. The silly polka dot clown. Yeah. Flew at night. Flew at night. All right. That's the sentence you have to work into your story.

Your story, Mr. Silverman, if you're ready to tell it begins now who am I again oh mate no I'm not having every story that you do begin with some amnesiac on a beach beginning to pieces piss poor imaginatively stunted life together

oh come on no you are not allowed beginning to pieces, piss poor, imaginatively stunted life together. Oh, come on. No, you are not allowed. I'm just going to say it now. You're not allowed to begin your story with a blank canvas character. Okay, I'll start again then, yeah? Please do. When I was only small, I had a birthday coming up,

and I would wander around the house. When is it my birthday? When is it my birthday? Why do all your characters ask questions? Because they're probing the meaning of life for Paul. Why doesn't he know when his birthday is? Surely he knows what day and date. I'd had a terrible accident the year before. Oh, has he got amnesia?

Is that what it is? Yeah. You twat. And I'd had very... Are you going to keep interrupting the story? I'm sorry. When was my birthday? Oh, I can't recall, I said to myself,

because I'd had amnesia off a head injury the year before. Oh, but luckily I had a loving family and my mother would always tell me when it was my birthday. And she kept it a surprise for me. She'd always hire some kind of entertainer. One year it was Spider-Man. One year it was a balloon person. One year it was someone who blew those bubbles made of plastic

that smelled of dry cleaning establishments. And this year she intimated to me that it was going to be the best ever. So I waited and I waited. And I made up games to pass the time in my yoga room. Yoga room! It's another adventure of Eli, the upper middle class half-wit. Right, and then...

But then, suddenly, the night before the big day, I didn't know it was going to be the big day, but I did have a premonition in my sleep. It's so awful. I had a very peculiar dream. And in this dream, I was lying on a platform in empty void. And an empty mask was lowering slowly, slowly, very slowly down onto my face. This mask was coming down.

And I couldn't make out what it was a mask of because I could only see the inside of it, Paul. It's a very important fact and then it but then I could see it got very close to my face very going very slowly very slowly and it got very close to my face and I could see all glue all glue on the inside of the mask and I thought that's going to stick to my face and I will never be able to remove it I don't know you know I had that dream knowledge that dream knowledge that it was going to be super glue then I woke up and what do you know it was my birthday oh flashing lights all streamers my mum came into my room and gave me a lovely breakfast cake oh breakfast cake because I got cake all day on my birthday back then Paul um and anyway she said we're having a party just relax it's your day little Eli come out the yoga room and come downstairs and I came

downstairs and there was my surprise party clown there he was he was called Mr Miggins Mr Miggins the clown and he had polka dots Paul and he had polka dots and he said oh I've got something for you and he said have you have you sneezed Eli and I said no I haven't sneezed he says take this anyway and it was a handkerchief that had polka dots on it as well and he said oh you owe me for that you owe me for that handkerchief now I'm gonna get out my little book of where I write down what people owe me and who I owe. And the book, do you know what, Paul? The book was polka dot.

And I looked in the book and he was writing it with a polka dot pen. And the book itself was polka dot. The pages themselves were polka dot. And I thought, that guy's got a lot of polka dot stuff. A lot of polka dot stuff, Mr. Miggins the Clown. But I thought, I'm sick of this. I'm sick of this. I'm getting dizzy. I'm sick of this polka dot stuff. A lot of polka dot stuff, Mr Miggins the Clown. But I thought, I'm sick of this. I'm getting dizzy. I'm sick of this polka dot stuff.

I wonder if he's going to entertain me. Where's the balloons, Mr Miggins? Where's the little card trick? Where's the never-ending handkerchief? Where's the red nose? Where's the car? Where's the pies? Stop asking questions.

Just stop asking questions as a character and as a storyteller do you know what paul mr miggins delivered he performed well me and all my little friends little daniel little midji little uh little anna he was performing he performed very well and we were all very sated with lots of cake and jelly and ready salted crisps and kit kats and then he left the room and i was very curious to see what he did when he was you know winding down cooling off from a performance uh mr miggins and i looked around the corner i was very small and i looked around the corner uh of the door into the kitchen where he was he was you know he was taking his make-off off.

And I heard a very wet, mucal noise, like a chrysalis breaking. And then I saw he wasn't a clown at all. He was some kind of fucking demon, yeah? And his wings came out and there was a stench of sulphur in the room. And also, if you spit on your top lip and you raise it up and you have a little, that sort of spitty smell. There's a spitty smell in the room. And he turned to me and he went, I fly by night. You fucking...

Don't get the game. That's not the sentence. He flew and I fly. No, it's not the end yet, Paul. No, you fucked it. You've wasted 10 minutes of our time. When you got to the sentence, you couldn't even remember it. I wasn't.

I was about to say the sentence. Can I finish my story, please? Yes. So he's got these funny, stinky wings, all mucal, all drippy. But do you know what, Paul? Do you know what? What? Those mucal, satanic wings were polka dot.

Red and blue. And green. So he goes, I fly at night. And it was dark because I'd been up all day and I was high on cake. And he flew out the window, leaving a trail of very bad smells, too numerous to name here. But he also, when he was flying,

he said 5G causes COVID, which is a very stupid, very stupid opinion. And I thought that silly polka dot clown flew at night. The silly polka dot clown flew at night, not that silly polka dot flew at night so i'll just give you a review right now mr so i wrote a few words down here just just out of interest based on my feelings of the story uh hit me i wrote the word frustrating down all right i wrote the word aimless repetitive tedious it's a true story Paul. I've got facile written down here. I've got fecund.

Immature. I've got a ball sack right here that's ready to slap on your chin. Mate, that story was awful. It was boring. How many? It went on for ages. There was no incident. What do I get?

Out of what? Ten. You gave me four. I'm going to give you two. That's only because you could barely string a sentence together, you monkey brain fucking cave humping sheep fingerer. Cave humping? I'd need a lot. I'm King Kong's cum cave fucker. Cum cave. That was literally a waste of our time. That might be the biggest waste of time in Cheap Show history.

Do you want another one? The silly pig. No, I don't. The tiny green clown sang at once. I am the clown. I am the green clown. I come from Clownsland. I like balloons. I'm turned on by balloons. I have a predilection for squeezy, squeezy balloons. Oh, you popped it. Oh, you popped it. I'm the green clown. Oh, you popped it. Oh, you popped it. I you popped it I'm the green clown Oh you popped it, oh you popped it I've swapped on my costume Right, you know what, that's it

We're done with this segment ladies and gentlemen Let's wrap this episode up Because I have reached the fucking Tip of my limit I'm the green clown I eat popcorn I eat popcorn. Once again, we must draw a curtain over the stage that is Cheap Show and bid you goodbye until next week.

If you'd like to follow us on Twitter, you can. Get involved. Say hello. It's at the Cheap Show pod. I goodbye until next week. If you'd like to follow us on Twitter, you can. Get involved. Say hello. It's at the Cheap Show pod. I'm at Paul Gannon Show. And Eli, why, what are you? I'm at Eli Snoid, which is spelled E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. And if you'd like to support this podcast on Patreon and keep the wheels on it, you can.

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I mean, you could fall in love in that beard, you know? You could. Get lost in the woods and then live off the nibble trees. Live off the crumb trees. Your one-stop shop for all good things Cheap Show is our website thecheapshow.co.uk you can see pictures that accompany these episodes on the website you can also

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I think it's some kind of medieval poo-carrying barrow. But if anyone does know, please get in touch. Chod hopper. Yes. It's haunting my dreams. Here comes the hot chopper. Poo carrier. So, yes, help us out with our chod hopping dreams we'll see you next week until then tatty

bye boys and girls bye thanks for listening everyone goodbye bye