CheapShow - Ep 188: Gannon's Golden Quest

Episode Date: July 24, 2020

This week on CheapShow, Eli is tasked with an epic quest orchestrated by The Quest Master himself, Paul... Or is it Sir Freshwon and his mystical goblin assistant? The lines between reality and fantasy become blurred this week when Paul and Eli go on another magical mystery tour of London... but with a difference! This time, Paul has set Eli 4 tasks that will challenge whatever is left of Eli's addled mind. The Dollis Valley Greenwalk won’t know what’s hit it! It's an adventure full of danger, stupidity, roller skating and Jenga. Hold on to your hats, Gannon's Golden Quest awaits you! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-188-gannon-s-golden-quest If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Podbible Interview: https://podbiblemag.com/2020/06/12/a-special-cheapshow-celebration/ MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Paul is writing a book! Want to help make it happen? https://unbound.com/books/ghosts/

We are recording. Oh, it's Tuesday, the 21st of July, and Eli and Paul Gannon, your hosts of Cheap Show, say hello Eli. And Eli and Paul Gannon, your hosts of Cheap Show. Yeah, it's valid. It's not valid. I'll tell you what's valid. You know what, Paul? What?

I'll take a validity poultice and i'll slap it so upside hard side taint side you know what i'm saying straight on the gooch slap the poultice of validation right on the gooch number one boom anyway we are in a little uh i don't know we're a little patch of ground just north of a woodside park station north london shut up and we're next to a little river that runs through north london down towards our ultimate location today folly brook or alongside folly brook and a little clearing. What? Here we go. Can I have some interjection time, please, now? This is your time. You've made a number of errors.

I haven't. You've made a number of errors. Yes, the patch where we are now is Folly Brook, but it becomes Dollis Brook, doesn't it? Yeah. Perhaps it's a tributary. The Folly Brook is a little tributary that feeds into Dollis Brook. That's my theory.

But we are in a kind of in-between, dare I say, a liminal park space here, aren't we? Because it's not quite a park and it's not quite wasteland. It's been mowed. Where is it? I like to think of it as the ever-ending nethergreen pastry. Wow. I think you invented three words there and there. Pastry? It's a pastry.

Anyway, either way, we are... It's a lovely pastry. There's no such thing as a pastry. Right, so we are... There is now. Yeah, there is now, unfortunately. We're in a little patch of grass, and today we thought we'd do... It's long. Describe the geography of the grass pastry, please.

It's a long stretch of grass that runs between a bunch of houses and eventually heads north towards a uh nature reserve right but we're going the opposite way we're heading south today along the what dollis green greenway green pathway dollis valley greenway yeah which is a path that runs from where we are through some parks uh up and under the roads and heads directly uh towards the hamstead heath extension which is not part of hamstead heath but it's an extension it's a beautiful extension from the heath that has some deep personal resonance with me i've spent years there over the years as a young child

so don't although it's a pastry although we're in the never gardens in the in the liminal never gardens the womb-like space of the never-ending greens. I've been bored of this. Right, so we are going to do the walk. Now, spoilers, ladies and gentlemen, Eli and I did this walk last week, but completely by accident. We met in North Finchley just to meet up and catch up, and then we thought, oh, let's go for a little walk.

And I said, there's a park nearby, and then that led us on a magical journey full of surprises and twists and turns that we thought we must replicate but rather than just rather than just do any old just walk i thought paul gannon's gonna put his smart hat on his clever clogs hat and turn it into something special so ladies and gentlemen welcome to a very special episode of cheap show which i'm gonna call gannon's Golden Quest. Let's begin. We're going to set off. We're going to set off now in a minute.

But before we set off, there are some things I need to express to you, Mr. Silverman. Oh, okay, rules of the game. Yeah, so the rules of the game. So we are going to take that walk today. Now, we never got as far as Hampstead Heath Extension last time because we basically got tired, time was against us, and we just wanted to quit while we were ahead and maybe save it for today Paul I know there's a quest thing that you've set up as a gimmick for the show and you're going to probably it will involve something that is meant to be shameful for me or in some way gets me to look like an idiot but I have I want to

reach the extension for me I want to compete in your your circus yeah you know I want to reach the extension for me. I want to compete in your circus, yeah? You know, I want to compete. I want to play along. I'm going to play along with your games, your mind games. For me, the extension. I'm going to reach the extension. When I've reached the extension, there's going to be an extension of my heart into the extension.

No. Absolutely no sense. He's off. He's lying on the floor, kicking his legs like a baby. Well done. Well, I need to express a few things before we get started. Are we going to talk about what we're going to talk about? No, we're not, because, no, already I'm thinking this is going to take too long.

We need to introduce a charity shop element right now. Like, I've been to one. You've got 90 seconds to give us your charity shop update from when you popped into mind in North Finchley. Go. Paul, first item. You told me about the existence of this Go Moog. It's a very common music for pleasure label, Moog. But I think I have a copy that's in really bad condition.

So I picked this one up for £1.50 because it's, look at the luster. Yeah. You can see the luster on the vinyl there. I can see the luster. It's good. It's got some bad scratching on one track, but I think it's one of the shit ones, like Morning Is Broken.

Right. Be interested to hear that. But the standout that makes me want to revisit is the Moog version of Moldy Old Dough on that. Nice choice. Moldy Old Dough coming up in a future episode when we revisit Moog music on Cheap Show. Next.

The Mills Brothers, this is some kind of weird vocal group who apparently impersonate, firstly, a kazoo, but then spread their repertoire into all lots of instruments i'll give you a test you eli be a trumpet and i'll be a uh a trombone all right you lead and i'll fill in i'm not doing a rhythm I'm the little fairy I live in a glade I like driving

and lemonade like that I'm a little I'm a little victim you've ruined that then you shouldn't have pointed out how clever you are

just for making a rhyme for the first fucking time in your life. It's a shit rhyme as well. Really shit glade and lemonade. I gave it a pass. Anyway, let's begin. Right, the quest begins. And I must now become Ganon the Questmaster.

And I shall become Dicky Boy E-Boy. The adventurer on our journey today. Because on this journey between here and Hampstead Heath, there will be three stops, Mr Silverman. And on those stops, there and Hampstead Heath there will be three stops Mr Silverman and on those stops there will be a challenge one will be mental

one will be physical and one will be physical again sexual yeah sexual and if you win any of these challenges today

you'll be given a real prize that I've sourced from a charity shop or a pound shop of some kind. They are real prizes. And if you win three out of the four challenges or three, if you win two out of the three challenges, because I think there's, hang on. How many out of three? Hang on. Let me double check. You're looking up the number three.

One, two. There's four challenges, right? There's four challenges. There's four challenges. You've confused me. You've managed. I was thinking, oh, Paul's explaining this right there's four challenges one is me you've managed i was thinking oh paul's explaining this it's very simple like every time you try to explain everything now where the fuck are we it's because it's because how many challenges and four and i want a description of their the essence i.e is it physical sexual mental or vitamin for each one

yeah the first challenge is sexual. No. Right, the second challenge, sexual. The third challenge, hypersexual. Paul, I'll give you a fucking sexual challenge. Yeah? Every woman who's been in bed with you has had a sexual challenge. The challenge being to look you in the face as they try and reach orgasm desperately, but to no avail.

Right, now that we've got that out of the way. Right, now that we've got that out of the way. So, there are four challenges. If you win three of them, you get the star prize, which is a fifth prize. Right? And that is the ultimate star prize. But there are some proper prizes on the way today, Mr. Silverman. But before you go, this is an adventure, so I thought you need to dress appropriately. No, I'm not putting some shit on for you.

I've got you a little... An adventurous hat. I've got you a little adventurous hat. There you go. You have to wear this the whole journey. Oh, look at that. You look like a shit Hunter S. Thompson. I'm e-boy dicky boy

e-boy the adventurer I can't believe I said that it's your thing I just want to say I'm maximum hyped

for this and I'll be trying my very best to get three out of the four challenges but that's not going to be good enough

for e-boy dicky boy e-boy no I know but four out of four is all I'm looking for. And I'd like a proper explanation of the essence of each task, i.e. physical, mental or dexterity.

Come on. Well, one will involve your senses, one will involve using your brain power, one will involve your dexterity and one will be a physical challenge. That involves your roller skates, Mr Silverman, that you've brought along today. I've brought my Chinese knock-off roller skates.

They're good, though, yeah. I've got a challenge that will involve you being able to roller skate, and hopefully I'll be filming that for larks. You're doubtful that I am able to roller skate, aren't you? Well, we'll see. When we find an appropriate stretch, we will test. Sir Dickie Boy E-Boy will be coming down the mountain as she comes. But as we go, let's set off.

We're all ready to go. I've got my pack. I've got my box of prizes. I've got my games. I've got my challenges. We're all set to go. Now, the map says, as the crow flies, and it says it's about an hour and a half.

Now, I don't know what that worked out to because we walked it last week. And was it about 90 minutes we walked? It felt longer. We didn't get the whole way, either, as we said. That's true. We didn't go the whole way. I think it's more like an hour and 45 minutes. So that's our journey today. We'll be stopping off for chats and reminisces

and obviously game challenges as well. So come with us. We're on Ganon's Golden Quest, and it's quite the adventure. Ooh, are you ready you ready Mr Silverman? I told you I'm super max hype to the fucking limit right we're getting ready to go here we go we're going to set off on our walkable joint when we get to our first point of interest

you can follow us on a map if you're bored Right, so we've just crossed over the main road, away from that little green area that we were on, next to Folly Brook, the lovely Brook River that will be being our guide, to some extent, along the route today. Well, no, it'll be Dollis Brook, which which I think Follybrook joins at some point. Folly, Dollybrook. So anyway, the first sign here on our walk, Dollis Valley Green Walk south to Hampstead Heath extension via Riverside Walk.

You can see, Paul, there is another sign pointing up to a further up Mount Mount. Mount Mount. Mount. Mount Moat. Mount Moat. Mount Moat. Moat Mount. You can go north, but we're going south. We'll be following the signs so we know which way we're going.

It's exciting. Important news about my name. You don't have to refer to me as E-Boy Dickie Boy. No. From now on, just as a nickname, I'd like to be Sir Salty Fresh One. I love it. All right. Come on, Sir Salty Fresh One. I love it. Come on, Sir Salty Fresh One. Ah, look, over yonder, I see the little quest keeper.

Tingly, tingly, ting. Here he comes. Ah, Mr Silverman. Hello. I will be joining you on your quest between you and Paul. Okay. And I will be here to offer the challenges of which there are four. Well, listen.

Now, if you win, three of which, the prize, you will be given. That is true. Yes. So I get an extra prize if I get three out of the four challenges?

Yes. Well, I'll tell you my strategy. I'm looking to win all four prizes today. Firstly, do them. Do the... Yeah, obviously. Do the challenges. Yeah. win all four prizes today uh firstly do them do the uh do the yeah obviously do the do the challenges yeah and uh then win all the prizes just for pride i want four i know i'll get all the prizes available oh there's a prize for the fourth one as well isn't it yeah so in total how

many prizes five i'm getting all five ah that's brave talk young knight i hope you can survive the dangers ahead this'll listen to me tinkle chops you don't know your way around a magic fairy store nah so uh we're heading down we're walking now the first leg of our trip nice little park i remember from last time and there's little bridges to cross across the brook every now and then. It's lovely that, isn't it? Lovely trees. And there's some kind of old, massive old oak there on the bank. So we started on our journey, our first base camp. We went for a quick little pee. There's a lovely little tunnel in the bushes.

And if you go down the tunnel a little bit, there's a place you can pee in silence and quietness. And so I went and I had a tinkle and then Eli went. And Eli made the observation that what? What did you see? I saw someone looking at me just as I came out of the bush doing my belt up and I thought

he thinks I've been cottaging hard. Which then implies that he probably looked at me and thought oh he's next for a good old fucking frob in.

He takes all comers though doesn't he? I'll give you all comers. Will you? No I don't know. I don't know what it means. Oh look it's a lone...

Cone. A lone cone. Oh, a lone cone left abandoned in the field. Also, I might want to mention it, Paul. What? We were in that charity shop earlier and their song

Get Down On It by Kool and the Gang was on. So under my breath I succumbed to temptation and just sang Suck My Helmet because that's like the school yard thing thing isn't it

I never did it I never said suck my helmet when I was a kid we had this whole set of alternative lyrics that went get down on it

suck my helmet don't destroy it just enjoy it come along with me if you really want to wiggle my gland yeah exactly that's good

I'll take your back up against the wall wow fucking impro this yeah mate so we're all in good spirits aren't we we are very in good very good spirits but i do just want to say i sang under my breath suck my helmet and the woman who was working in the shop behind perspex went oi i heard that that was the most excitement that woman's ever had in her job. No, she obviously... You gave her a little bit of dampness. No, I think she just remembered it herself

from the schoolyard of our youths, our shared youths. No, she didn't. She listened to it and she went, oh, a mildly sexual inference. Oh, God. Oh, I've gone all Violeta down there. Super mop. Oh, another main road. We're going to have to cross that.

Oh, Eli. Paul's brought mojitos. I know. But are they cold? Not now. Are they raspberry flavoured? One is. And cost 29p.

One is. No, they cost about two quid each. 5% Volcahol. Volcahol? Yeah, the volume of alcohol. 29p one is no they cost about two quid each five percent volcahole volcahole yeah the volume of alcohol if we just get to if you want me to

drink for the sake of the pod and our sanity I can get just a little tramp flask of vodka oh we're crossing

the road and we're heading into the first part of the park vodka up there do you want to get some vodka where are we doing the first I don't know somewhere in the next park well let's do that

and then we'll uh you're starting on the hiatus now aren't you i'm gonna have one i'm gonna have one per challenge okay so uh it's up to you i don't think the challenge first and then i'll see i'll see if i want to drink after that oh right well there we go let's just cross this road we'll come back to you when we find a place to start the first challenge. Oh, it's an exciting adventure. Oh, here we go, crossing over into Dollis Valley Green Walk.

Yeah, it's a route there. Oh, open moat. We're going to be going via Barnet Playing Fields, Brook Farm Open Space, Riverside Walk, Oakenden. Oh, that's where we are,

isn't it? Riverside Walk. We're going to go through Oakden Park, Windsor Open Space and Hampstead Heath Extension. I think we were in Brook Farm Open Space. No. Yeah, we were. That's where we must, isn't it? Riverside Walk. We're going to go through Oakdean Park, Windsor Open Space, and Hampstead Heath Extension. I think we were in Brook Farm Open Space. Yeah, we were.

That's where we must have started. Let's have a little look at the map. Because everyone thought we were going to go to a sound effect then, but no, we're doing a map now. You were here, and we started about here, near Swan Lane Open Space,

opposite that, so Whetstone Stray. Oh, we were interrupted by a good friend of the podcast teen and dewey abby does his own uh podcast about topical comedy i can't remember the name of it now anyway you don't listen right so so we started wet stone stray we did or laurel way because look there's that narrow path dollars brook and there's where we started so we must have been about there the dollars brook yeah it is the dollars brook yes so we must have been about there. So where is it? Dollis Brook, yeah. It is the Dollis Brook, yes.

So we're going the purple route which is Dollis Valley Green Walk. I see. You can do the London Loop or the Capital Ring. Go on, do your Capital Ring gag. Oh, I went and had a curry last night and I tell you what this morning, Capital Ring! It doesn't, no. No, it doesn't but thanks for getting involved.

Please cut it. No, please cut everything. The skids stay in the picture. Can I be cut from the whole podcast? Just you. I want to just hear you walking around. Then it's into a Garfield strip and I'm not doing that.

Now, we are here. Number four. Yeah, Riverside Walk. Look, that's where we are. Now, I think we made a mistake last time in that I think we may have kept going this way

on the red line. Did we? On the capital ring. I'm sure we didn't because we followed those wooden signs and they led us that way

did we even get to Bigwood? yeah we got off here didn't we? Littlewood and then Northway Gardens and Bigwood I don't think we got that far

I'll give you Bigwood mate if you want you can give me Littlewood if you give me Littlewood I'll give you Bigwood but is my wood rock hard? is it petrified?

it's more like a kind of is it the oldest strongest stoniest tree known to man? no is it root down like a kind of is it the oldest strongest stoniest tree known to man no root down like a huge pillar of salt going through the core of the planet directed by only the force of i'm walking away because that is just i'm not going to have that on this walk right so having what on this walk i'm the hero of this journey I'm the you better start sort of going yeah yeah you've got nothing you've got nothing so we're going to walk down this part of the park past the kiddie play

adventure area what am I called fresh one sir salty fresh one yeah fresh one so when we when we turn into narrative that from I will only refer you as in that character all right thank you yes right and then this will go but for for now, having a leisurely walk. Yeah, and we literally just mentioned that, you fucking idiot. Paul, playground up here. He's going to point out everything we see. Bench, look at this bench. I think that's quite a gothic...

It's got tigers on it or something, doesn't it? Dragons. Have you got anything else to add? This has been the terrible part of the podcast. So have you got you got anything to add yeah we had magic when we first tried it and you didn't press fucking record no and then tin and doobie head fucks us up no i'm not gonna blame him he was being nice he could have waited until we stopped recording awkwardly stood there and then it would have been weird he popped in yeah all right yeah all right i didn't even know he lived up in these neck of the woods did you yeah? You must do. Yeah. There you go.

It gets very nice down here or something. Right, so can I now stop this and then we can open the next segment later? I'm going to stop. Oh, wow. Are you watching me? Fucking hell. Oh, look, a lovely babbling brook. Oh, look, the stonewall brook.

Sitting a bit. I'm stopping it. Don't add anything new. If you dare be interesting when I turn this off I'll nut you right, we've reached a fork in the road Mr Silverman yes I've got no guidance, I don't have a map of the territory

memorised Paul and as a knight I want to make a right decision, a noble decision for everyone and I wish you wouldn't use my old name there oh yeah, i do apologize uh so salty fresh one we are we are at a fork we are at a fork in the road young sire at night you can take either the boring straightforward well-concreted walk or the walking route which

has a no cycling sign and someone on a bike just coming out of it yes obviously didn't see the sign or ignored it now as a knight she is a temptress from from the nether realms i'm glad you're using the appropriate terrible voice for this bit now as a knight of the realm i see these two paths before me. Salty, fresh one is a noble house. The path, which is not the non-walking path, seems very straight, paved and shining in dappled sunlight, whereas the walking route, murky, ramshackle.

Mysterious. Yes, and we did it last time. We did last time I think we I want to have a go on their normal route please what a great adventure let's do the normal route let us return to reality for a minute goblin species from goblubs you oh fuck's sake what we are a noble race of goblin called the from gobs the from gobs great get your from gob ass behind the night train people all over the world noble nabble follow the night train just stop press stop no that was going to jump into reality so what you saw something on the ground? I'm not doing that.

I can't take it out, but it was, yes, a very nice piece of detritus that I found back there, Paul. It's like a little tile-shaped piece of plastic with a face on both sides, a human face. Also, it seems to have some kind of baby poo smeared on it. Nice. Well, good, and you picked it of baby poo smeared on it. Nice. Well, good. And you pick it up. It went straight in my back pocket.

I'm going to desanitise that pocket. I'm going to sanitise my hands. Then I'm going to suck the tile. You know. Little nibbles. Floor nibbles. Do you know in that other little park we walked through, there was that kid staring at the ground.

Do you know what he was staring at? A lump of shit. A dead rat that was being eaten by bees and stuff and he was literally from the whole duration of the walk past him he was staring at it like a serial killer in training and then he looked at me and in the eye and i looked at him and he just went and pointed at it and then i just that's when i got the attention to what he was looking at which was this rat on its side with a hole in it and all these bugs swimming in and out paul that's all good good stuff um can you see we're looking across darlis brook here to the walking route you can see the walking route on the other side

what's your what's your view on the comparison of the two routes so far so far i mean this is just better paved that one's a bit more kind of you know foresty fine with that but we are heading on this route to our first challenge destination we'll meet you there there's a clearing here but we're not doing it here oh it's too open and there's kids fucking about oh there's a oh there's tennis going on that ruins everything not doing it near tennyson alfred lord tennyson that is the worst thing I've ever said. It seems Eli has fucked up. Oh, he's fucked up.

He had a route to choose, left or right. What? We can't cross the stream. We're going to have to climb up the bank. Basically, what's happened is, ladies and gentlemen, the route that we took will now take us out of the way and off the route. So our choices now is what? To cross this little... I don't trust it. I've got a big rucksack on and that's a deep fucking steep bank. Listen, don't reject it out of hand.

I'm just gonna have a closer look and we'll see if we can cross the river here. Like a proper knight and his goblin sidekick would. Alright, so he's jumping down the bank. He's stumbling towards the stream. Now, it's not the stream I'm worried about crossing. That looks fine, doable. Because it's little streamlets. But the steep bank on the other side.

Here, fucking jump in it. I'm going to have to film this. Hang on. He's jumped into the middle of the riverbed to find an island. Now he's trying to cross it on a log. Trying to climb...oh he's gotten up. Oh fuck he's gotten up which means now I have to do it. Oh I'm not happy about this. I don't want to fall in. I've got a big rucksack on full of prizes. Right we're gonna have to...oh no. Oh shit. Oh., I'm not filming this. I'm recording. I'm trying to climb a bank.

That ain't happening. One of them has to stop. All right, I'm coming over. Here we go. Put it in me back pocket. Climbing over here. I know, I know. Oh, here we go.

I'm going to jump the leg. I'm going for that bit where it's drier. I'm higher up from this angle. Here we go. I've done it. Oh, you crossed a log. Mate, I can't... Oh no, I'm not going to fall deep into it, I'll just probably get my feet very wet. I'm pushing this into my jacket, I'm going to cross it, this is happening live. Right, okay. The log's a bit wobbly. I've got a bit of balance. Here we go. Right, back away. I'm going to put this weight forward. Oh, shit. Oh, mummy. Yes.

Yeah, woo. Yay. Yeah. God almighty. Da, da, da. Da, da, da. Da, da, da. Da, da, da.

Da, da, da. Da, da, da. Da, da, da. Da, da, da. Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da

da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da We have reached the destination of our first challenge, fair knight. Good. Let's sit down, because crossing the river fucking knackered me. Let's just give it a minute, perhaps, before we record again. Let's do it. We're doing it.

What's your name? You haven't come up with a name. I'm the quest master. How can you fucking do this? I am the quest master. Quest goblin. No, my goblin is... Your race?

Yeah. What address do you have? Quest what? Quest goblin. No, my goblin is... Your race? Yeah. What address do you have? Quest what? Quest goblin. No. Quest master. Quest master. You must have...

Quest midget. No. Quest master. I'm taller as the knight, though. In this fantasy... I'm going to stop the scene. I want to be quest knight. No, quest master.

All right, all right. The quest master. And he's going to set a challenge for you now we'll do the whole scene again where i just we've arrived at the glade all right here we go stop here young knight this strange land full of non-native trees what i see before me and some beautiful vernacular brutalism just overlooking the glade. What have you brought me here for? It is the first of your challenges, you lovely boy, here in the Redwood Glade. Oh, that's what they are.

Now, we have four challenges, but two are appropriate for this spot. Would you like the quest of taste or the quest of mind? I think I will do the quest of taste, please. My taste buds are very good. They're up to the job. Just to let you know, I'm not going to let you down or my family or my good name. I am the first of the salty fresh ones. Right. Paul, over to you. I'll go sit over there And twiddle with my goblin fork Thank you Goblin Quest I'm over here now Twiddling with my goblin fork

Oh he's gone Irish Why have you gone Irish? I haven't gone Irish You flipping have Right So Eli sit down Alright This

Is your first challenge And you'll win a prize Now You've gone with the challenge of taste The quest of taste. I need to wet my whistle. So. Is it a taste test?

It is a taste test. We are doing a mini off-brand brand off. Oh, so. Let me get my bag open. Bear with. Today, well, yesterday, I went out and bought a big pack of cheddars. Oh, God. Not mini cheddars.

Not mini cheddars. The proper God. Not mini cheddars. Not mini cheddars. The proper size, baked cheddar cheese biscuits by Jacobs. Made with real cheese, right? Okay. I've got that. And then I went,

I think it was in Morrison's. Yeah, Morrison's have cheese thins, which are essentially the same thing, right? Made with real cheese. What I'm going to do is simply hand you one at a time and you'll taste it. If you can guess which one's Jacob time and you'll taste it if you can

guess which one's jacob's out of the two so you will have to tell me which one you think is the jacob's brand then you win your first prize and challenge okay all right are you interested in the in my opinion yes yes your process is part of the process so please do not hold back from your thoughts feelings uh emotions and insights just to get me in the mindset, Paul, I think we need to do a little bit of the jingle. Oh. Hang on. We should do it quest-based.

Hang on. Tom, ti-ti-ti-tom-tim, tom-tom, ti-ti-ti-tom-tom-tim. Off, brand, off, brand, off, off, off, brand, off, off. Off, brand, brand, off, brand, off, brand. He came to the valley and off off, brand, brand off. That'll do. I like it. Short and sweet.

So, I'm just going to open the both packs. And then I'm going to hand you one. Simple as. Simple as. I love, by the way, for reference, I love cheese biscuits. I love them. I love them. They're like crack to me.

Cheese savouries. I much prefer a Ritz sandwich style or a Tuck sandwich, personally. You prefer Ritz or Tucks? Yeah. With the cheese, the fake cheese filling. Do you like those as well? I do very much. savories sandwich style or a tuck sandwich personally you prefer ritz or tux yeah with the cheese the fake cheese filling do you like those as well i do very much i nearly did that today but i thought this might be a harder quest i don't like cheddars because they just they gum they turn into the mulch the gum mulch that just banks up your whole mouth with cheesy cheesy crumb sludge do you know what i'm saying no right so i'm just gonna bear with me while i just open

the pack and then it'll be time for the test here we go to blindfold pull your helmet down over your eyes yeah does that work no because there's a hole uh what about you put a plastic bag over your head thanks you know what mate i trust you so how about you just close your eyes? Alright, I know you like doing this for realsies. Yeah, you could put your mouth cover guard over your eyes, but that's dumb. It's just, now you look like a Hellraiser villain. That kind of works. Alright, let's crack on with this, because you look like a psychopath. Right, here we go.

I am now pulling out biscuit number one. Now luckily, hang on. Now luckily, to the naked eye, they do look both very very similar if not the same so this is going to be a tough one here's your first biscuit handout in it goes i'm gonna see if there's any difference structurally with my fingers um paul and i'm feeling this feels exactly if you handed this to me and i couldn't see it and you said that's a cheddar i would uh oh what

are you doing hold the mic oh i'm going i'm holding the mic so i can hear you talk uncover the nose oh i would sniff it and i would say that is some kind of cheese based biscuit it smells exactly like a cheddar that on a smell alone i'm getting real cheddar from this and i'm going to take my first mouth mouth mouth just eat it he's eating the biscuit now let's see what his reaction is to the taste test tastes so much like a cheddar exactly like it the cheesiness is released and then there's that sort of that's what I don't find pleasant it's a sort of stale almost stale bread underneath the cheese riding on top of that it's very crisp it's just mulchy like a cream cracker

does yes but it gets to the mulch quicker and then there's a cheese the cheese flavor is is released when it reaches the mulch quicker and then the cheese flavour is released when it reaches the mulch state. Do you see what I mean? Yeah. So it's a weird sort of wave of sock smell that comes out of the mulch. It turns to sludge and then stinks of feet.

Right, are you ready for your... Do you want to finish the biscuit? I am. They are very tasty. I have no idea. Right, so... I'm just going to go on pure comparison, if there's any difference between these. But I need to clear my mouth of this gunk first.

I'll help you out with that. Well, you've got your blindfold on. I've got a special hose to wash your mouth out with. It's nice and thick and turgid. Does it blow chunks of scod into my... No, it's your mouth. I bluff some spod into your gobble. No, I need... Have you got water?

Where's your Lucozade? It's gone. I don't have any. I've only got my mojito. Well, can I have a mojito, please? No. Should have thought about it. You did not come well prepared for the trials, young Master Squire. Okay, I'll try and just use saliva to clear my mouthways. I'll give you a minute to clear your gob.

And when you're ready, just say when and I'll hand you the next biscuit. Hand me the next biscuit. Here is biscuit number two. Well, hand feel, first of all. Hand feel. Somewhat sturdier for some reason. Could that be? No, it does.

Could that be a clue? It feels like it has more weight to it, this one, than the last one, which would suggest real cheddar, wouldn't it? Because they probably, you know, they do bigs. And they're described as thins, aren't they? The own brand, Morrison own brand, were described as thins. So perhaps they are slightly thinner. That's a way that they make them cheaper.

These, I'm just giving you my process, Paul, when I'm like trying to guess this. I can't give you anything clues can i so this one has a lot less of a cheesy odor coming off it right i think it's hard to tell because i've got the cheesy remnants of the crumbs all up in my nose passage do you know i mean i'm just cheesy remnants eat it he's going in how's it going over there? Yeah, it's fine mate. It's still twiddling.

This one has more amplitude. There's more, it's not so much of a shock when the cheese emerges from the mulch. It's all melged together more. This tastes like a better quality food. Yeah. And for that reason, as well as the weight, I believe that the second biscuit you gave me today was the Jacob's cheddar biscuit and the first one was the Morrison's thin. This is nicer. That's what I mean by amplitude. All the flavours are sort of going together. There's almost a creaminess rather than the staleness of that first one.

Right. So you're going to stick with that. The first biscuit was Morrison's and the second is Jacob's. And I prefer the second one. It's nicer. Definitely a nicer biscuit, the second one as well. Whatever, even if I'm wrong. But I'm getting a strong quality. It's hard to say any one element, but the quality of this second biscuit is better. That's all I have to say. Thank you very much.

Right, let's bring over the goblin and see if he can reveal the results. Here we go. Are you ready for me? Yeah, come on over, goblin face. What have you got for us ah now there's a squirrel that is not part of the competition so here we go you said the first biscuit i have to say i'm feeling confident the first bit aren't they cheddars those thins aren't nice though right so can i fucking get on with it i'm'm, I'm, I'm... You, your first choice, you said, was the Thins. And the second biscuit was the Jacobs.

Yes. I can reveal to you now that you are wrong. Oh, shit! Really? Yes, that, the second... You can go now. Bye. Bye!

Bye. So, yeah, that was the cheddar. That was the first one I gave you. And this is the thin. I don't like the cheddars at all. That's much nicer. You like the Morrisons more? Yeah, much more. They're nicer. They've got a better flavour, the second one.

Cheddars are too, what, funky, chunky, kind of cheesy. Yeah, with that sort of staleness, almost. And that's got a creamier finish. A much creamier finish on the Morrison's own brand. Well, I stand corrected corrected but i still i still like those ones better so the cheddars were a pound for a pack and the morrisons were atp definitely a deal there go for that yeah definitely those are better than the real deal if you ask me what would you say paul have you tried both i have tried both and actually i don't prefer the others

but they're just as nice as cheddars in my opinion. But yeah, they're slightly lighter, not so thick with the cheese. Is that what it is? Yeah, that kind of creamy. I just felt it worked better. And it's almost chemical, the way that... Interesting. Totally fooled me. Well, there you go.

So would you like to see the prize you didn't win? God. Here we go. Here's the prize you... A drink of water. Didn't know. Right. Your first prize was this, Mr. Silverman.

I have to get all three challenges right after this now, don't I? Yeah. Oh, no, I picked wrong. It was a pair of oversized sunglasses, Mr. Silverman. Come on. Yeah, you look amazing. I want to take a picture. There you go.

You have not won those sunglasses. Unfortunately, they will be going right back in the bin. But they could have been yours, but they've not. I know you like them, but you did not win the challenge, so you can't have them. They go on my wall. I could put them on my wall. No, you lost the challenge.

You don't... Give me it. You've not won... Give me it. But is this prize... If you get the three other three, right, you win them all. Oh, do I? Yeah.

So I could still get those? You could still get those. I just have to win every challenge coming up. That's it. Yeah. That's my one strike. Yeah. Okay.

A proper knight faces adversity, and I hope there's some kind of dalliance with King Arthur's girlfriend on the way. Yeah, well, let's see. Is there? No, there's none of that. Come on, we're going through Finchley. There's got to be a place there. For what? A creamy finish? Yeah.

Filthy raspberry, you know. Now let us carry on with our journey. Let us see if he can beat the next quest or will he shit the bed like he's done enormously so far today on the tour. Come on, third night. For a journey is ahead of us still.

I mean, literally, there's the hat. Don't forget your fucking adventurer's hat, mate. No, don't play that music. Ow. We're setting off again, goblin friend. After about half an hour of you getting baked and me drinking mojitos and my legs gone dead this is fucking pathetic right come on let's just get going

alright stop it please oh my feet hurt yeah because we've been sitting on our crossed legged oh christ I can't feel my left leg

ow are we going to be able to do this yes yes we will we've just got to do a bit of walking for a bit with dilly dally on the journey let me just just got to do a bit of walking for a bit. We've dilly-dallied on the journey.

I just have to check I haven't left anything. Oh, you lost the, you didn't win the oversized sunglasses. That's a shame, isn't it? It could have gone on your wall, but maybe there's a chance for you to win them still. Oh, he's lost his fucking, no, you've got to wear your hat on the adventure. I left my sunglasses there. Where? Just there? Up there, yeah.

Well, go and get them then. I didn't see them. This quest is quickly turning into a massive shit show. Can you... I'll wait here. Right. We'll see you when we're further on the journey because this is going to be a long one.

It's going to be a long one. Can you wait with my bag? Yes. I feel sick. Why are you getting your pants off? What are you doing? I'm doing up. Shut up.

We're on a long road. Sire, the smelly passage. Listen, goblin fellow. Don't lose hope. When I went to Knight's training school, they said, Oh, you've got a nice body. And I said...

I'm just going to walk walk away you can't turn this quest into one big body adventure listen to me goblin man whatever you are i even showed you the quest yeah sorry quest bloke quest master thing goblin quest creature i ask you this where is this foul land we transverse? This is Stench Lake. Good thing it's something better. This is the stinky, dirty back passage. Ah, the stinky, dirty underwater I hear you tell of. It does stink though here.

It's got this real kind of funky swamp thing going on. There's gas. There are gas tubes because we came here the other day. Yes, later on when the sewage starts pouring into this and it goes from a clear folly to a manky stream including textbook shopping trolley in yeah it's getting all a bit like that which we like which we like which we got this just a bit of ambience very clanker manny but i tell you what wasn't here this time for i've transversed this way before it wasn't the beefy gravy smell coming out of someone's garden. That's true. Someone was having a

lovely beefy day, weren't they? I could smell all beefy smells. I could smell all beef, gravy and mash. Yes, those smells have been replaced by those of Pongy Streamwater, sire. Yes. And soon we'll be coming to the gas tower quadrant. But don't worry.

There shall be another quest soon. My quest senses are tingling. Yes, I mean, I'm feeling pretty downtrodden. Failed my first quest. Yeah, you shat the bed, didn't you, sire? But even if I get all three quests now, I need to get at least three quests, which is all the quests I have before me.

I must part all quests from now on. Yeah, because if you fail the next one, it's going to make really shit this episode's pants. Is it? You can't give me, will you? Then I can't give you all the prizes, so you can only win what's left. Maybe we could do a gamble at the end.

You suck my chuddy nubbin'. And if you can make me come in five socks, if you can make it come in five chunks, you win. I'll be grabbing spunky chunks out of the old... You have to swallow the goblin's chocker. It's a delightful thing, the goblin's chocker. You're a goblin now. I thought you were the questmaster. But I'm still a goblin.

Anyhow, I've decided I'll be played by Eli Silverman in the style of a young Brandoff for the rest of the episode. Oh, God. Perhaps this is the origin story of the Ruff Ruff noise. No, it's not. It's really not. I don't want this to become some kind of prequel story to Brandoff. This is a modern-day adventure.

It's just your limited range of voices all right so listen here goblin quest man fellow yes when's the next quest i'm hungry my loins are groaning for quest well we'll soon be reaching another little clearing and there we shall have another test. A test for prizes. Good. And Goblin Chocker. Hey, the swamp. It's starter. Oh, it does.

It's all getting milky here in the river water. There's films of spume. Oh, look, there's grass. Oh, there's an avid park, isn't it? Yeah, right. We can have another test here then. Oh, right, cool. Right, good. Oh, it's time for another quest challenge.

Let's find a spot. Oh, he's a quest beginner. Oh, he's German now. No. He's going all over the place, man. He's a goblin. What? Does what he likes.

Cripple, blipple, blob. Right. I have a job. Do you? Cripple, cripple, blee. A challenge I have for thee. Okay. You can suck the goblins throbbing and get sweet sweet chocker from it

let's find a place to do this next challenge in the sun lovely day gas pipe gas pipe there's one gas right eli we are windsor open space right now we're in the windsor open space where you'll have your next challenge for sweet chocker I like that right so your next challenge call me with my proper name Ticky boy e-boy suck boy

Sir salty fresh one at your service Sir salty fresh one Fresh one Sir salty fresh one. Fresh one. It's a salty fresh one. It's sweet. It's salty. All right. Are you ready

for your next challenge? It is the quest of the mind. Ah. I will ask you three riddles. You must get two right

to win the prize. So I got I went to a charity shop and I got Mind Trap. It's full of riddles Remember when we did that episode of Barsians Of Brain Busters

And you thought they were all crap questions This that Exactly that So we are going to do that right now But there's a one That had misprints And the answer was wrong Yeah

But I've gone through a few questions And I think you'll like the ones we've got right So I've got three questions Two spare if you get angry Or you want to swap out. Okay. Right. I shall summon the riddle master of Mr Mindtrap himself.

I have to summon him with dark magics. Wibbly, wibbly, wubbly, wibbly, wibbly, wubbly, wubbly. I'm going to rub my goblin throbbing knobbing on the chobbing. Hello. I can't I'm the quiz master Hello Hello I'm going to do you some fucking top quizzes

Eli Sir Salty Fresh One Are you ready for the quest? Yes I'm a knight Anyone know that? Anyone pay attention to that at all? You've got a lovely shiny helmet

Do you mind me saying that sir? Well it's clanking in the sunlight Just like a bird in spring. Clinky clanky, spinky spanky. Right, here we go. Right, here's your first riddle. Now, you get three riddles, but you are allowed to swap one out if you're not happy with it. Okay, fine. I'd lifeline, as it were.

Two out of three and you win the prize. Are you ready, sir? I'm ready for any business you can present to me here we go here's your first mind trap ready an old beggar collects cigarette ends from ashtrays and pavements and uses the tobacco to roll their own cigarettes he has this practice down to a fine art knowing that seven cigarette ends will make one cigarette. Since he has collected 49 cigarette ends, how many cigarettes can he make from these? So it's 49

divided by 7. How many cigarettes can he make from the 49 cigarette ends he's collected, knowing that every 7 will make one full cigarette? How many cigarette ends has he collected? 49. Oh, God. Come on, clever fucking clogs. How fucking clever are Come on, clever fucking clogs.

How fucking clever are you now, you fucking wank bastard? Hello, I'm a knight. Yeah, but you have no holding over me, a spectral quiz master from the Elmer range. Are we talking about how many whole cigarettes he's got left over? You've got to factor it all in. How many whole cigarettes? Seven.

Seven. Are you sticking with that? Is How many whole cigarettes? Seven. Seven. Are you sticking with that? Is that your final answer? Yep. All right, the answer is... Let's have a look at this. Now, fucking... Look, here we go.

Here we go. The answer is... Eight. It's not... Cigarette. She makes seven cigarettes from 49 ends, and then she's able to make one more cigarette from the seven she has just smoked. No.

Yeah, she smoked seven cigarettes, and then those seven cigarette ends she made from that, she made one more, so she made eight. She's finding them on the floor in the first place. It's a tramp who's finding them on the floor. No. You got it wrong. She made seven smokes, and then when she smoked those seven smokes, she had seven cigarette ends, and so she used those seven cigarette ends to make one more. Oh, good.

You could use it again. So that's one, Dom. You got one wrong. That's going to shit this quest. Why am I so stupid? Excellent. All right, next one. Here we go.

You're going to like this question. A nice easy one for you now. All right, here we go. It's another maths one. You're good at maths, aren't you? No. Oh, fuck. Right.

Well, I didn't get that. Well, remember, you can swap a question out if you don't like it. So let's... That one I just got wrong. No, you can't now because you shat the bed on it. I'd like it swapped out. It ain't happening. Because it's down to personal taste.

I personally... I wouldn't... I personally wouldn't... If I'd made a cigarette from cigarette ends, smoke it before I'd done the others. She's got 49 to begin with, so she can make all of those cigarettes. Yeah, I suppose it's true. You're still shit.

Right, here's your next one. Ready? What is the value of one half of two thirds of three quarters of four fifths of five sixths of six sevenths of seven eighths of eight ninths of nine tenths of one thousand? That is not a real question. That's what it says. What is the value of one half of two thirds of three quarters of four fifths of five sixths of six sevenths or seven eighths of eight ninths of nine tenths of one thousand? I'll let you have a look at the question. Here we go.

What's that smell? You smell it, ladies and gentlemen. It's the smell of Eli shitting on the podcast and shitting all over the quest. So I'll give you a clue. Please. Think backwards. Or you can swap it out for another question. No, I can't.

No, no. You know... I want to work this out. You sure? Because you've got two questions left, this one. You could swap it out and get an easy one, maybe. And then, you know, you've got one question left then. If you get this wrong, you're fucked.

Swap it out. The answer was 100. Yeah. By working backwards, the answer becomes very clear. Nine-tenths of a thousand is 900, and eight-ninths of 900 is 800, et cetera, et cetera. It works. It's eight.

Nine. It's fucking... The second one is... If you go backwards, the second one is... So you've got... Fuck it, man. It's bullshit. This is seven-eighths of nine...

Seven-eighths of eight-ninths. Oh, yeah, eight-ninths. I'll get it. I'll do it now. No, you've given me the answer already. You can't do it now. You swapped it out. Here's your next one.

This whole podcast, shit. Next one. Detective Shadow discovered Sandy lying on the side in a puddle of water and broken glass. When the doctor arrived, he pronounced Sandy dead. But since Sandy had no cuts on her body, how did she die? She was a fish in a goldfish bowl. You are correct.

You have one question right. One more and you have won the prize. How many others can I swap out? We can't now. You've already swapped one out. You've played your gambit. Oh, no. But I will say this.

Do you want a maths question or a spelling question? That's not good. That's not good. The smell of shit is rich with this segment of the show. Maths. Here we go. You ready, sir? Three men checked into a hotel room for which they paid £30.

What's going on? I know, yeah. What's going on in that fucking hotel room? Right, so three men check into a hotel room for which they are paid £30. Which they paid £30, right? The next day, the manager glanced at the records and realised the men have been overcharged. So she gave the porter £5 to return to the three men. On her way to the room, however, the porter decided to pocket £2 for himself

and gave each of the men £1. The three men had now paid £9 each, or a total of £27. This plus the £2 bellhop makes a total of £29. So what happened to the other pound? OK, so £30 they paid. That's £30. You got that. That's £30 there. She's trying to return £5. There goes the fiver, but he pockets...

£2 and gives £1 each to each of the three men. Yeah. I will be honest with you, this is a trick question almost. So, I'll read that again to you. So they've paid 33. They haven't paid... They haven't paid... They paid 30 pounds.

No, no. But then, they paid 30 pounds, but they're getting three... Porter took two pound of the five pound that he was meant to give. Yeah. And they got one pound each. So, three men check into a hotel room and they pay 30 quid. The manager realises they overpaid and gives a

Porter five pound to return to the three men. On the way to the room, the Porter takes two pound and gives the three men one pound each. The three men have now paid nine pound altogether, a total of 27 pound. This plus the two pound the bell hot keeps makes 29 pound. So what's happened to the other pound? What has happened

to the other pound? What's the trick? Maybe the answer is there is no answer. Yeah, I'm mysterious. Is there... Can the knight go out with... I'll tell you what. You can bank that. I'm going to give you the other question, like the final one.

You can answer either one. It's myst heard that before, and it's mystified me before, that exact thing. Yeah. Here we go, then. You can have this question as well, but you can answer either one.

How many times does the letter F appear in the statement below? Just, like, real slow. Yeah, I'll get real slow. Not nonsense slow, yeah. Fanny Filinga was of the impression that 86 years of history show... No, no, I've lost me.

I can't go back to the 27 quid one. You can if you want. She's overcharged them, so... She's overcharged them. So how would you say... Yes, I'm getting it now. She's overcharged them. So she's overcharged them. So how would you say? Ah, yes. I'm getting it now. She's overcharged them.

So she's returning. Did you just guff and put your face mask on? No. I don't know why I put my face mask on. You did guff though, didn't you? No. It was a wet slap around here. Like someone popping a frog. Come on.

Answer the question. Right. So they've paid 30 quid. The manager is returning five. So as far as they know, she's only returning three. So the other quid, there is no other quid. You are correct. You are correct.

So the answer is nothing. Nothing's happened to the other pound. It's one of the strange things about the way it's added up. If added sequentially, it looks like this. The hotel collected £25. The three men were given £1 back, and the porter kept £2. The total is still now £30. Thank God.

So, you have won a prize, Mr Silverman. I'm off then. That was a fucking shit show. I'm off into the... How many Fs were in that thing? There was eight, because most people failed to spot the How many F's were in that thing? There was Eight Because most people Failed to spot the F in of

Because of the V sound So I could have got that There you go You didn't though But either way You've still won a prize Are you ready? Close your eyes

Because here it comes Do I have to? Yeah Because I don't I like giving the surprises out Then my helmet clanker down My helmet visor Yeah put the helmet visor

Hand out Here's your prize. It's not sexy. It's just... Put your hand out. Where is it? I've got it here. Deck of cards.

They're golden. Yeah. Ha ha. Ooh. Nice. Nice finish on the packet. Slightly abraised. You know, raised up.

Embossed. Embossed sort of, kind of. They've been unopened. Yeah. I'm going to try to break the seal they're virginal they're virginal cards these are i'm actually like them yeah what oh these are are they waddingtons like those ones i got that they're similar there's a joker these are cool yeah yeah like them pink pink on gold. Standard size and a standard face in pink.

They're not like poker size, the faces. Let's just... All being the same, they complement my pink Waddington's deck. Yeah. It's hard to know, but let's give them a little count now. No, I'm not doing that. After the segment's over, Eli's won the second of his challenges. There are two more to go.

Join us later while we just take a break and I'm going to have a mojito. Hey, party all the time. Right. You what? Of course we can talk. They all people. You what? I can't talk.

Of course we can talk. They all walk past us momentarily and not know the full context of what we say. I can't swear. So if she walks, if anyone walks past and we say, I don't know, gubbage and flaps. I don't want to hear you say gubbage. Or flaps. Or steamy quim. Grotbags quim.

Why do you say that? Because it tickled you last time when I said when I said that nothing's tickling me now well we've left our we've left the village of tanketaho where we had a a feast

where we had a feast of biscuits and mojitos try again just so you know yeah you've had another mojito now and you've been

the goblin's gonna get proper fucking bonked on. Look, towel. Towel. Zebra towel. Zebra towel. Welcome to...

Oh, no, this isn't Windsor Space. Is it more of Windsor Space? You're wrong. No, I'm not wrong. There's probably more of it. No. Yeah, that says welcome to Windsor Space as well. So this is more Windsor Space.

So it's a long space. Yeah. This bridge. I want to look at this bridge. Have a look at the bridge then. Also, we walked past a so-called pro soccer football lessons thing with this guy teaching kids and he called them all fucking idiots. And can I just say, as an adult, I'm not a big fan of teaching kids by calling them idiots when they're trying to play fucking football.

So how about you don't do that, you bull bastard twat big fucking wank just because they didn't pass to him there's a couple of more hens over there what more hens are those more hens look someone's a criminal has thrown a car license plate in down there so if you own vehicle 0e077cvd don't say that. What? Because someone can put it in the computer and then they can hunt us down. Well, I didn't say it right anyway, did I? Do you notice I added loads of letters and numbers? 0-0-7-7-C-V-D.

Well, don't you fucking say it, you stupid half-wit. Look, there's a pipe, an outflow pipe. Yeah, we're at the bridge over the folly still. Good old folly. It's not, it's Dollies Brook. It's very wide down here, isn't it? I've heard Dollies is pretty wide. This is the widest extent of Dollies

Brook so far on the walk today, Paul. Yeah. Oh, there's a little duck. Quack, quack. I'm pissed as a fuck. I suddenly got a whiff of... Let's carry on. Oh, God. I hope it's let out. Oh, God. I just let out.

Also, did you hear that girl on the bench hugging that guy? And he said something, and she said, I'm not giving you a blowjob, I've just put some lip gloss on. Oh, well. At least she's got standards. Understandable, yes. So this is another little walk, and this takes us down to, I think, a little area called Brookside,

not related to the Liverpool drama of the same name. Referring to this very Brook, the now quite stench-ridden Dollis Brook. It smells like, you know when you go to the toilets at a festival? Yeah. It's got that funky... It's the funk of a million shits. That's a great album. But this is a nice little merry little walkway.

I do like the fact that it's a little walkway with overgrown trees. It's really not very well kept down here where we are now, is it? But it has that overgrown charm. It's just if there was less sort of gas smell. Yeah. Funny how you've got a complaint against that. When you are one big gas smell. No, come on.

You should have a pipe like the ones on the side of the riverbank coming out of your backside. Why? Because you're a stinky arse cretin. Why suddenly? You lose something to say. I am the goblin, and I am Tinkery. I tinker, tinker.

I tinker here. Look at this tinker. Oh, I'm losing the will to live. He's losing the will to live. Although he has won one challenge, lost another. Two more to go. That will test his mettle. Oh, and his bronze, and his silver.

Copper. Are they all precious metal themes, all the prizes now? Hey, what do you say if you want to get gold's attention? Oi. Hey, you. Come on. Science gags, ladies and gentlemen. Do they fucking do that on the QI podcast? Do they, bollocks?

Yes, they do. They probably do. Right, hang on. Right, so we'll check in when we're at another interesting point of interest. I can hear a road. Oh, we're going under that bridge now. Is that here? Yeah, look, there's that stinky, scary bridge.

The nasty bridge. The scary bridge. The nasty, scary, stinky bridge. The bridge The scary bridge. The nasty, scary, stinky bridge. The bridge! The bridge! The scary, scary bridge! Shh! Hey!

So, there's a little main road. Quest fellow! Yes? Yonder is a stinky tunnel bridge. What say you? I don't go in there. We don't go over. We must go under, into the Forbidden Lands,

where the next quest is awaiting thee. But haven't you heard the Fresh One family story about my uncle Oswald? Nope. He died in this here tunnel. Oh, no. Exactly 100 years ago, to this very day. He was a very old uncle, different generations. Afraid of tunnels.

Tunnel. Anyway, long story short, it's a weird little sub. The stench is coming out of the tunnel. It's a subway underpass underneath a main road and it's skanky as nasty. You go down so I can take a picture of you. There's a lot coming from in there. It means something's come and gone in there.

There'll be a dirty stink in there in two minutes when you walk in. So we're going out under the dreaded tunnel of fratarkos. I stopped making stuff up. Beware the tunnel of fratartos. Echo. Echo. Daily echo. Oh. The beasts of fratatus hunt?

Run! We have survived the tunnel of Fratatus. As I knew I would. I've avenged my uncle by safely trespassing, traipsing, traversing the tunnel of stink and gloom and doom. I, Spunkmire Fresh One. a traipsing traversing the tunnel of stink and gloom and doom I Spunk Meyer Fresh One

you've forgotten your own fucking stupid name no fuck it it's done now we are done now it is done you are done

this segment is done onwards to our next quest point oh fuck that stinks that's a proper egg bogwaff

bogwaff oh fuck me That's a proper bog-waff. Bog-waff. Bog-waff. Oh, fuck me. The bog-waff is strong down here. It wasn't this bad last time. No, it wasn't. The sand must have set off the bog-water. Oh, it's set... Oh, God. Oh, another tunnel.

This is the big tunnel of Frimpingtongue. No, it's not. It is. It's got a plaque on it, mate. What does it say? It's got three swords. The bridge of three swords. You must pass underneath.

Let us pass the bridge of the three swords. Follow me. Oh, no. The kicking beasts of Nakh. No, there's no beasts. Fuck off. Don't attack me. We could have fallen in the fucking canal there, Paul. Good you would have had a wash, wouldn't you?

I need a drink. You're high off double mojitos. It's annoying. Hehehehehehe! I am the Quizmaster! The Quizmaster? I guess you are. I thought the Quizmaster was the other guy, the northern guy. I liked him. He was alright. He's gone back to his fucking planet. All right.

Good. Right, let's carry on. Ah, now we have reached. After some walking and some exertion, an intersection we are slowly near to where we ended our journey last time, Mr Silverman. No. Fresh one. Fresh one.

Fresh one. Sir. Salty fresh one. Sir Sophie Spothwan. My given, just to clear up the thing with the name Goblin Quest Man. I was born Spunkmire, but people know me as Salty. Salty fresh one. Spunky wonky chunk man.

You are the chunk... I am. Hot and drunk and looking for love. Quest fellow. Yes! Aha! I've bought my skates. The skates of my house.

And I will not besmirch my house today. When you were brought upon this quest, you were invited to bring your skating heels. I'm patting them for the audio content. Oh look at them. It's good. Couldn't hear a thing. It's nice. It's quiet. So ladies and gentlemen yeah he's got his skates. He's got to put them on for the next trial which is simple. He must skate and collect his next prize from the floor so you must skate past it pick it up and bring it back without stopping or falling over on his fat stupid bulbous ass I'm not I'm gonna surprise you with my skating prowess because when we did the walk last time he loves a arcus

skate around here like a princess like a fairy godmother and I went oh well when we come back we'll do it and I thought let's make it a lovely challenge ladies and germs so Eli is now going to put his roller skates on and when we come back it'll be time for him to take the next amazing challenge quest the quest of speed! I won't let you down, anyone who might be listening. You'll have a prize, and the prize will be what you win. Are we going to take a detour? There's some great houses in Finchley, very discreet. All right, he's on his skates. Oh, and he's moving fine and dandy.

Look at this. Sir Spoff Aquimalot has got his skates on look at that he's off oh if you're a patreon supporter you can get to see him skating around i have to walk behind slowly but this is ready for our next exciting adventure look at this look at him look at him look at that he's like spider-man all right yeah looking good man Look at that, he's like Spider-Man. Yeah, looking good man. Look at that. Yeah, we'll do it up here on the slope. Oh, they're on our spot, I was going to use that spot for later. Look at him fly. It's like watching an overweight Cupid on rails. He's like an ugly Sonic the Hedgehog. Look at him, he's coming back this way. Oh, he nearly went. He nearly

down. He's down. You flew too close to the sun. Don't put that up. What? That's the best. That's why I filmed it. I hate you. What do you mean? You decided to show off, not me. You clumsy, clumbering fuckwack. not me you clumsy clumbering fuckwack right so we're gonna do the challenge right I'm gonna lay down the prize and all you got to do is skate past yeah yeah yeah skate past collect it and bring it back without stumbling falling or stopping that is the challenge all right yeah maybe the bottom of this bit I can set up here, alright

yeah, let's do up there then I'll film this for posterity that'll be nice right, I'll let you get a few practice runs in he's off, it's adorable watching him skate it's like watching your child fly the coop

right, Eli the prize that you are in this quest for child fly the coop. Right, Eli. The prize that you are in this quest for. The quest of the fleeting foot. You are playing for, Mr. Silverman, this small mechanical sweet vending machine. It's a tiny little plastic crane

that you can pick jelly beans up and put them down a slope. Oh, for fuck's sake. Really? Yeah, and you're gonna I'm gonna put it at the bottom in its box and you're going to have to skate down. What? If I'm right about the rules. If I get this one I get all in. No you've got one more challenge after this. This is the third of four. You've got a proper sweat on. So I'm going to place it down here. I'm going to place it just by the curve all right. I will and I'll film it because I hope you fall over

so I'm going to put this just at the bottom of the curve, it's a little bit more dangerous, alright and then when I say go, you have to come down the hill, grab it and return it to me so I'm walking down now, here we go I'm going to put it

on the edge Eli, would you like it on this side of the road or that side left or right hand side that side i'm putting it at the apex of this curve on the right hand side of the road and now i'm going to get my camera out and film it here we go ladies and gentlemen there is the prize the candy cane the candy snatcher grabber toy eli is at the top all he has to do is skate down and grab the box and return it to me are you ready eli go he's skating down the road he takes up some speed he gets the speed he's got a bit of a swerve coming on he's swerving down the road coming building up

speed heading towards the little box he's heading down it now, he's getting it and he hasn't stopped and he's going to turn around, he's a clumsy fucking twat. Oh, he's picked it up, he's picked it up though and he's got it, he's won the prize, I'm going to give him that, that's two prizes done. Oh, Mr Silverman, you've made an old man very happy today. What an exciting quest this remains. Look at the action. Look at the skill. Mr. Silverman, congratulations. That's quest two you've completed successfully. Aha! What a great achievement for cheap show history.

Right, let's crack on. We're going to head on now straight to our next destination. What? Yeah. No, nothing's falling out. You're all right. I've got the video proof. I can prove it to you.

We can watch it back and see nothing fall out of your bag. If that helps. Yeah, I'll hold it. Right, we're moving on. This is where we now cross the boundary into the unknown. So onwards is new territory for us. So let's do that. Eli, skate on.

You can catch up with us later on in the quest. Oh, look at him. Dad is so proud. Dad is so happy. Right. We are at the intersection. Where is this, by the way? What's this corner called? No idea. It's the intersection anyway that leads from East Finchley, North Finchley, through towards

Golders Green. This is Temple Fortune here isn't it? This is the area, this is Temple Fortune, yeah. Heading up towards Golders Green. We are now entering new territory. This is it. This is the quest. This is the culmination of my quest, Goblin Fellow, and we'll end up in this spiritual home of the Heath extension, of my

Did you know I'm the world's most exciting Airby player? I don't think that's true. I don't think it's true. That's where I used to play Airby a lot, so... Well, that's where we're heading. But, Mr Silverman, you will meet your most challenging quest yet

once we get to the extension. OK, and then I've also bought four miniatures. Thanks, Paul, for getting my order right. Four minute... three miniature vodkas, which I must drink. Down in one? No. And then we'll get drunk on the he, which I must drink. Down in one. No. And then we'll get drunk on the heath and I will nosh your chard dobbin. Thank you, Mr Goblin.

Here we go. We're just waiting for the green man. Here we are. We can cross. Go. They have to stop. That's steep. Are you going to go down there in your fucking rollerblades?

Because that's steep. Are you going to go down it? If you are, I'm taking a video. Is it flat enough? I don't know. No, it gets very rough at the bottom. Rough as in? Earthy. Pebbly. I'm going to push you. I want you down the hill. I want to push you down the hill oh alright just so you know ladies and gentlemen I offered you the listener a chance of comedy gold when I push Eli Silverman down the hill

in his skates but no he thought that would be too dangerous for the podcast so anyway he's taken off his delightful delightful wheels of joy, and we will be continuing on our adventure in this new Dulles Valley. Oh, we're still in Dulles Valley Green Walk, south to Hampstead.

Yeah, via Littlewood and Bigwood. Yeah, we've still got Littlewood and Bigwood. The quest for Littlewood and Bigwood. I didn't know there was Littlewood. I thought we'd passed Littlewood and Bigwood. We've still got to go. This is the sacred last quadrant. You are imaginatively stunted, aren't you?

Yeah, I am so badly. Meanwhile, I shall coiff my chopper off and dance the dance of kidneys. Goblin man, please help me to remove my skates. I'm weary. I'll do so. Let me turn this bugger off.

Right, we are now in brand new territory. We have crossed the road, we've gone down the embankment. Eli has safely removed his roller skate and he is on terra firma once again. Yes, indeed. And this must be Bigwood first or Littlewood first? It just says Bigwood to Littlewood. I'm coming to it. There's another little bridge here. We like the little bridgelets, don't we? Yeah, of little bridges on this whole journey and do we think this is still Dollis Brook? I mean it's still the valley, the Greenway Walk or whatever it's called. Oh god

it's a little narrow little concrete bridgey thing but we're still following the brook. It's still winding its way through. Yes but it's quite woody around here isn't it? This little area is yeah. I think this might be Littlewood or Bigwood. Well, they closed all the Littlewoods down, didn't they? Yeah, and Woolworths. Bastards. Bring us, give us back our toy and hobby. Was it good toy and hobby?

That's where I used to go for my toys on my birthday. In Littlewoods? No, toy and hobby. Oh, the shop was called Toy and Hobby. I don't know if it was a northern brand, but it was a toy chain called Toy and Hobby. Did they do hobbies, though, like train sets and stuff as well? Yeah. But I used to go there for my Ghostbusters figures on my birthday.

I used to get all my birthday money. You still have all those figures? Yeah. How many? Well, I only bought six action figures. I got the Ghostbusters, and then I got a Fright figure Janine, just so I could have a Janine. And then I got a Slime Reactor Lewis Tully. So it's Lewis Tully in a Ghostbusters, and then I got a Fright Figure Janine, just so I could have a Janine. And then I got a Slime Reactor Lewis Tully. So it's Lewis Tully in a Ghostbusters uniform, but when you pour cold water on it, it looks like he's been slimed.

Why does that, why? When you change the temperature of the plastic, it looks like there's green splotches appearing. Okay, so it's the temperature, it's not the actual liquidness. No. Look at this lovely old bench. Just a bench to stare into nothing, really. It's a bit grim. Somewhere someone's tramp can take a shit.

It's rather funky up here. I love this. This is back, suburb, rip back. Look, it's not maintained at all, is it? I wonder how many people have done the exact route we have gone as far as we have. Well, I've seen a few corpses on the side of the road holding Zoom microphones. Thanks for nicking my joke which i said i thought yeah i thought i would do that i thought i would i think we go down this way

oh this is that whole area that joe used to live yeah this is uh hampstead garden suburbs is it posh around here yes but it was all built as a sort of one of those social experiments of the early 20th century like letchworth garden city do you know what i mean it was built by those people what like a manufactured village yes and it was sort of like it was sort of communist because that's what they felt about communal living they were sort of like the whole movement was going back to the arts and crafts you know where people so these are like a british government built a communist housing century but it looks like it's aping the old style stuff, isn't it? I mean, you can see how it apes that kind of cottage look, but also the tenement buildings of Victorian-era housing.

Yes, because essentially it is. It's the same sort of mass-produced, mass-built tenement in terms of the design and the efficiency, but then because of the movement, they sort of dress it up with all of these sort of old, folky, folky affectations. That was the movement, but then that turned into, that was an early modernist movement,

but then that turned into proper modernism, which is the, you know, the blocks, the white squares, that kind of thing. But this was a pre-runner. The inhuman housing. So they built the Hampstead Garden suburb. I think it was the same one who built Letchworth, which was the first garden city.

Well, what kind of people were expected to live here when they originally built it? I think it was meant to be like everyone. I think there was a strong socialist bent to their ideology. Fair enough. The thing is, I remember a fair few years ago when I lived up in East Finchley, I had to walk from

Golders Green home because I was broke and had no money and I couldn't afford a bus and had no card so it was winter and I remember walking through this whole period

and it was thick with snow and it might have been the most that whole area those streets thick with snow and it was the most beautiful Christmassy walk

I've ever done in my life despite the fact that I was grossly depressed and broke. I think the houses are beautiful in the Hampton Garden Suburb, but they've been copied so much, even around in this area, and it just gets degraded, because it's those sort of 1930s, you know, sort of mock Tudor houses that you just get acres and acres of. Do you see what I mean? They're trying to be like this stuff, I think.

You know, they're sort of... So it's fake old housing. Yeah. It's like when you buy an old fireplace and it's like, oh, it's not a real fireplace, but it looks old. Look at the concrete bank of the brook here. It's great. I love that.

And look up that way. You see that little pathway there? You can see the old mock Tudor housing. Yeah, yeah. There it is. Hampstead Gardens suburb. This is where I used to go trick-or-treating.

My earliest trick-or-treating was up round here. Really? Up round there? Up round here. Up round here? So this is going to be only a real slither of parkland

between here and the extension, right? The extension is open, has cricket pitches. It's huge. Cubs! Wild cubs! Wild cubs on the floor. Wild cubs on the floor. Take a picture.

They're cheesy cobs. You know, ladies and gentlemen, we have found four free-roaming bred cobulets just lying on the floor. Eli's going to take a picture so you can see this dramatic quest adventure moment. Cobs. The cobs of cheese. The Hampstead Garden cheese cobs. The spoffy chod cobs. They do look like, that cheese does look strewn in the way that spoff would fall naturally. Imagine your spoff came out like those cheese particles.

If I spunked out cobs of spunk. It'd be a right choddy, spoffy, cum spod of chompy... Go on. You almost said a sentence. Chompy chod skunk. Chompy chod skunk. Here's another sign. Here's another sign. So we're going the right way. Via Littlewood and Bigwood.

Moat Mountain would be from here. We've gone Brookside Walk we've done. So this must be Littlewood and we're heading towards Bigwood then. It still says via Littlewood and Bigwood so maybe we haven't even hit the wood. and there's a decision we need to make here because there's a bridge just there paul that's just going to take us more close to the main road you can see the traffic from here so let's just stay on the quaint rumbly tumbly old roadie bodey i like it

because it's more run down do you know what i mean yeah it's nice and nice and um like a secret garden well it's like a secret little path next to all the city going through a weird countryside meets the suburb. It's like the whole walk, really. Yeah, it is how we've brushed up against the modern city, but yet we've travelled effectively on country roads. Look, I think we might have met our match. There seems to be a fence right in front of us.

Where are we going to go? Is it twist round to the right? We're going to find out, I guess. We're going to find out i guess we're going to find out it looks like it doesn't it oh yeah it's all well concretey the brook gone over it's gone under the road look at going under the road there oh the city's taking its hold done the whole sewage for the whole of the garden suburb at the same time you know built the whole oh well looks like we're coming out of the little parklet area we're heading into the street so we'll join you a bit later on on the journey the quest continues we have walked up big wood road we've been right up the big wood all around it all down it and we've come to the end and now before before we go any further, before we say anything else, I am at the level of chafe maximus right now.

What, bollock chafe? I've got thigh chafe, left bollock chafe, titty chafe, under armpit chafe, hip chafe. Do the hip chafe, baby. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Paul, but we have reached the quest's end. There's a little alleyway between two very posh houses in the suburbs, in Hampster Garden suburb,

and that is, if I'm not very much mistaken, that is the Heath Extension, just beyond that little alleyway there. I can see it gleaming in the sun. That is the quest's end. Well, the journey's end, but the quest has still one more challenge for you. Right, so we do it as soon as we get in there, yeah? And it is the most challenging, and at at this stage the most difficult of the run sir fresh wipe johnny is up for this let's enter let's and see look there's a little green arrow

so if you did know where you were going you could find it footpath it still says dolly dollis Valley foot green walk. Wow that's the first sign we've seen for ages. If you weren't consciously with a phone trying to follow it up it would be difficult. You'd get lost around Big Wood wouldn't you? You'd get lost around my Big Wood. Just start at the top and work your way down to the root. And then what? Will I get split open? Like my head split open? No, you'd have a lovely time gobbling my chode. Oh, your whole mind is a chode.

I'll be honest. I'm so tired and knackered right now. I'll just say dick. I'll just dick, balls, wank, and I'll strike gold eventually. Look at it. Oh. Look. We're here.

It's beautiful. We're at the top of the heath there's all this football going on it's the very end of the chief chief heath extension richard and judy's house over there is it and yes it's not this field but a couple of fields over is the what we used to call the pavilion where i played aerobee a number of times sometimes on LSD great stuff at four in the morning right yeah brilliant

have a snaffle good isn't it there you go if you want to you can see the way the grass is so well kept yeah yeah

it's really lovely oh look at this yeah oh look we've reached the heath ladies and gentlemen we've reached the heath extension ladies and gentlemen the final pathway that goes heath extension, ladies and gentlemen.

A little pathway that goes round. Did you know? I noticed because it said no cycling because of horses. Yeah. So people might cycle and then end up face to face with a horse. You don't want to end up face to face with a horse. No, you want to be on top of a horse, riding it. And then what, would you gobble the horse off?

No. You would. You like horse spunk. You like chunky blobs of horse spunk all chodding down your nose piece. The last few episodes, we've made a real big deal out of the word chod, and there's no reason for it. It's a good word. I like it.

I want it to catch on. It's in the lexicon, mate. It's in the lexicon under choff or something. Lexicon. We're so tired. We're so tired. You're so tired. And I'm a little tipsy. I'm full of the jeans, the beans.

You're full of beans. Choddy beans. I'm tired. Oh, we're both. Oh, look, it's that way. Richard and Judy's house. I don't care about... Richard and Judy, ladies and gentlemen,

if you must know, if you're outside of the UK, are a male husband and wife morning presenting duo. Either way, they used to do a show called This Morning from the Albert Dock in Liverpool. And then we had a class day out. We used to go to the Albert Docks and watch them film. This Morning at the Docks. With Richard and Judy. Yeah, and then we used to wait for Fred the Weatherman to come on the map of England.

Not come on the map of England, but arrive on it. You know, he had the little fake... Wasn't he nuts? He was a Utreed right up, mate. Really? Yeah. Terrible. Yeah, well, you know, never meet your heroes.

Where are my sunglasses? Oh, I don't know, mate. You having trouble keeping track of your sunglasses today i don't know i've lost them probably all right do you know where you're going from this point on all right we're gonna we've reached quest end we've reached journeys then now we just need to find a place where we can do the final challenge and it has to be a reasonably flat surface mate i'll get your flat surface that's fucking flat talk yeah Talking flat work. Right.

Oh, God, I ache. My tits, my dick, my balls, my thighs, my armpits. It's sore as balls. Is that the bubbling brook? We've still got the brook with us. Just about. It's a trickling and truckling. And a chuckling and a bubbling.

A trickling and a chuckling. Well, let's sign off and find a place to set up camp for the final final challenge of cheap shows gannon's golden quests with me the quest master this is the pavilion is this where you used to, at four in the morning, off your tits on LSD, throw a frisbee around with your mate? Yeah. Good, isn't it? What's that big spire over there? That is a radio tower.

Because they used to have the BBC Philharmonic Orchestra down in Golders Green, didn't they? I think that's a remnant from that, maybe. Well, there you go. It's a kind of antenna of some sort. Right, there you go. It's a ghost antenna of some sort. Right, well, let's cut a break on this because I ate all fucking over. I do.

I'm so much agony right now. Go to the middle of the pavilion. We'll go to the middle of the pavilion, which is apt for the final challenge. It's huge, isn't it? Yes. I see why it's good for playing Airbion. Very.

Oh, Eli. Oh, Eli. It is the final challenge salty mcspray water mcstuffins i'm the knight i have one last challenge and this is a challenge of dexterity after your long walk can you fathom the idea is it jenga yeah it's jenga got, ladies and gentlemen, for our final challenge, not just any old Jenga, I have brought with me a Jenga I got at a charity shop. Oh, fucking hell. How did your drink just explode?

How did it do that? I've never seen that. It's like dry ice. Yeah, Jesus Christ. How did that work? It's magic. Anyway. Did you hear that?

I did. That was a vital explosion from your... What is in that bottle, can I ask? Absolute and... Oh, not enough of whatever. Whiskey. No. Absolute and...

Absolute. Absolute na-na. Absolute and... Oh, mate, I just want to know... You know what, I don't care now. I've gone off it. You bought it for me. Schweppes dry ginger... Oh, mate, I just want to know... You know what? I don't care now. I've gone off it. You bought it for me. Schweppes dry ginger ale.

Oh, yeah, ginger ale. You got ginger ale and vodka. What a classy mix, ladies and gentlemen. So we're going to do the final challenge. You will be against me in Jenga, but it's called Jenga Quake. What happens, though? Because you build Jenga,

normal Jenga, the bricks, on top of this, and you turn it on, and intermittently it will vibrate, which could make the game more dangerous. The quest master is becoming the... You'll be playing against me in Jenga. And the rule is, whoever's turn it is...

This is for all the toys. This is for all the toys. I know, I still get to keep the shit ones. Yeah, you keep the shit ones, but with this game... Sunglasses are the best toy. If you win this game, you will take away at home all the prizes. Which include, shall we have a recap? So far, you've not won the sunglasses, but you have won...

A golden pink deck of cards. Defective, ladies and gentlemen. Check the photo. The King of Hearts is completely... Not only is it printed on wrong, the actual card is cut different from all the other cards. It's about half the size, isn't it? Yeah.

Those are cards designed purely for two and a half hands of strip poker before either shag city or puke in the cupboard and think it's the loo

and maybe take a shit in there great work so you've also won a sweet vending machine called the slick automat why do you like this do you like this this is from tiger isn't it?

You can fucking give it to a charity shop if you want. I'm just going to have a little unboxing here, Paul. I'll tell you what, you have a little look at that. And then you've got one prize to win here and if you win that, then you win all the prizes, including two secret ones. Two secret ones?

Yeah, that's what you get for... I don't have to beat you a Jenga. Do I get to see what they are, at least, if I lose? Yeah, because I get to rub it... I don't have to beat you a Jenga, do I get to see what they are at least if I lose? Yeah, because you get to rub it in your face. Let's hope I don't get the Lord. I like this a lot actually, having seen it. Very good, nice plastic isn't it? Yeah, it's fine. That's defective, I mean how does it...

It doesn't... how does it... See? Three buttons, one works the claw, one works the arm, and one moves it. I'll give you one for reaching up for the clip, yeah? Yeah. Reach round for that one, yeah? You've got to really work the bean to get it up the hole. I want to pick up a bean with my scoop.

Yeah. It's not a bad item, Paul. Thank you. So there you go, you've got that prize, you've got the cards, you haven't won the glasses, and there's a prize here and then two bonus prizes for winning all out all right spunk meyer brackets salty fresh one of the house fresh one do solemnly swear to uphold cheap show and fucking you done off go on tedious wank so right um so no I'm not I wasn't I thought you were gonna say something interesting but

I should have known better no because you've already released the gases what got any water yeah you're not having any those sod off sod off I need you to oh god open your gob that worked surprisingly well that worked surprisingly well right so i'm going to set up the jenga tower on the jenga quake machine and then we will return for the final challenge remember whoever is whoever's go it is when the tower collapses is the loser. Okay. Right? Yeah.

So let me build this. We'll be back in a bit. All right. Right, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, right. Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Right. We have set up the Jenga quake. This is me.

Right, get up. This is Eli, and this is me in the video, but you're not watching the video if you listen to this. Maybe you are. I don't know. But here's the rules. You take one out from near the bottom, anywhere you like. Here don't leave it leave it put it back et voila put it back or you will lose the challenge and all the prizes

all right dad there we go put it back you twat right ready good one so you take it out one at a time then put it on top oh it's not even You straighten it up for me then so you're happy. Right, but whenever you take it out from the bottom, you must put it on the top, right? So the idea is you keep doing that until the tower collapses. Now, what makes it difficult is that every now and then, the little plastic base will vibrate, right? And it will shake it off. And some will be small and some will be big. But the rule is, if it's your turn when the tower collapses, you have lost.

Are you ready? Who's going first? Flip for it. Surely it's the knight's... I who's going first well flip for it surely i've got no coins to flip for it so you just go first because it's your the challenger ready wait there we're going here we go ladies and gentlemen i'm gonna start i'm gonna get real fucking low on this here we go i'm turning the machine on the machine's coming on the machine's turning on now go and he takes one out from the bottom, a grey blick, oh right from the centre. Grey blick.

Gay blick. You'll keep this? Put it on the top, you put it on the top. That's the idea. Alright, now it's my turn. And I'm going to move this little one from the bottom. Are you fu- Oh it's on! Right, that was quick. Here we go. Oh, you fucked it with your face. No, I haven't.

I'm going to move it back. There we go. Now it's fair. Right, go. You'll go. You're not allowed to use two fingers at once, brother. You can't. You're not allowed to use two hands at once.

Okay, that's fair enough then. Moving a grey one out the back. Putting it... Oh! Put it on the back. Ahhhh. Putting it... oh! Put it on the top, it vibrated. You can't take it that far on the top, that's cheating. What do you mean? Of course I can. You've got to take it from the middle. Alright, well you do whatever you want then.

Well what are the rules? Just do what you want! What are the rules that say that? Do what you want! How many layers down do you have to go? Oh, just do what you want. No! Just do what you want!

I want to go by the rules of the quest! Shit, is that my fault? Go on, it is your go. Oh, fuck! Oh, Lee! You were too busy arguing and you lost out. I would have done that. Wanker! Mate, that's what you get for being a contentious wankhammer.

You have failed the quest. Best of three. Best of three. Best of three. Come on. I tell you what. Best of three. I tell you what. We'll do best of three. Yeah, thank you. Best of three. Come on. Here we go. And it's all random. It's quite good, isn't it? Right. We have reset. For the second match. We're resetting for the second match, so we're about to go. I'll go first this time all right. Here we go. I'm setting it on. You went first last time. No you went first last time. Here we go. I like going from the back. I like going the back way. I'm going to take one out the back here. Oh that's not good. You have to commit. Do I? Yeah. Oh, no. I pick when I have to go with it.

Yeah. All right, one, two, three. Fuck you. Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick. Yeah, mate, you don't know when it's going to go off next. I'm going to go from... Shit. It's going to go, mate.

It's going to be a tremor. Oh, you brick. Wait, I haven't put it on the top yet it's still my goat. Oh Eli's goat. Okay here we go. I'll use one hand. Oh shit. I might go. I'm going to go for this bugger right in the middle. Come on you bastard. Come on you bastard. Oh, yes! Right, last one.

This is for all the beans. Reset. Right. I missed this. Sir Spoffalot Spl. Reset. Right. Ah, I missed this. Sir Spoffalot Splashermittle. Yes. It is the last challenge. The Tower of Gengaris awaits you.

It is one all. One to thee and one to me. And now we play the rule of three. Are you ready? Yes. You go first, I'm turning it on now Oh Oh, oh, it's a biggin. It's a biggin. It's oh That was a big shock, but will it oh, oh

Fuck my beans Fuck my beans. This is a shit show. I'm going to go... I'm going to go with one in the middle. Really? That's stupid. Yeah, it is.

You've defined it now. Oh, hang on. That's load-bearing. You're going to have to try it really fast. Oh! Eli has won the quest. really fast Eli has won the quest He has won the quest ladies and gentlemen he has won Gannon's golden quest I did it for Salter Fresh boy

Well done Silverman you have won right you have won the prize you have won not only have you won mr. Silverman! You have won! Right, you have won the prize. You have won, not only have you won Mr Silverman. I've won all the prizes, thank you very much. You have won the candy grabber machine, you have won the golden playing cards, you have re-won what you thought was lost, the big sunglasses. Going right on! sunglasses. Going right on. Come on yellow big road. Does he look like that? I don't know you literally did a cross between David Bowie and Elton John then. And wait there you have also won. I'm a rocket man. You've won Mr Silverman. Spaceship songs didn't they? You've also won for that challenge. Oh this is is giving me a headache....a gold medal. That says World's Best Dad on, because all the other ones are too expensive.

That was 50p. Why is it World's Best Dad, the most least expensive? Father's Day's gone. It says Super Dad, actually. So now you've got a medal for the Jenga challenge. Wait, and here is the next challenge prize. It is a tripod and camp cup phone holder, so we do fucking Twitch streams. You look half decent, not propped up against the side of your fucking stupid sauce mound.

Thanks, mate. And that plugs in with USB light and everything. You put your little phone in and it's all sorted. And finally, Mr. Silverman, the big prize for you. You've had your eye on this a while. And we're going to treat the audience to it at a later date. But Eli Silverman, here is your prize. It's the Wii U edition of...

Well, the only one who did it. It's Super Mario 3D World. Yay, because you've aced Super Mario 3D Land, haven't you? Well, I mean, I have completed the entire game and collected every single medal coin available. Crucially, I have not yet got every single golden flagpole and completed the whole game as Luigi as well. And when that happens, I will unlock the secret level

on Super Mario Land 3D for the ds but this is the companion piece to that is that right it's effectively the same kind of game but just for the wii u it's a lot of fun i love the physics of it i've never felt so intuitively in control of a mario game before in terms of the jumping the running the jumping around jumping up walls and also you know the special the power-ups as well. Fucking great. So, with the sun setting on this day, a warm quest of a day on the Hampstead Heath extension,

as the sun sets, as the pavilion surrounds us with life, playing games, walking dogs, ladies with lovely skirts on, skipping merrily, joggers jogging. There's a lady there with a lovely dress on. Doggies being walked, tennis being played, footballs being kicked. Sir Salty Freshwater Spoffalot has won the quest. And I, the goblin, the quest master, quest yes and i the goblin the quest master must fade into the realm of blask in flak will there be another quest maybe you know in a year's time or something possibly okay maybe but for now i must go but i will leave you with this message for adventure you seek Do not be scared Face tough the things that are unaware Shut up

And if you feel weak of end Turn to your closest friend For magic and mystery and quests are brill And my voice is very, very shrill Shut up This has been my golden quest. I'm going to come on your hairy chest. Goodbye.

Goodbye, ladies and gentlemen. See you next week on Cheap Show. Bye. Bye. Субтитры подогнал «Симон» Thank you.