CheapShow - Ep 189: The French Letter

Episode Date: July 31, 2020

Every once in a while, CheapShow stumbles on to something that is both gloriously delightful and utterly bizarre. This week that "something" arrives in the form of a small, blue, handwritten letter from a celebrity to an adoring fan... from 1969! Elsewhere, we dive through listener's detritus, discovering a whole host of random attic tat and Eli "demands" he hear Paul cum. It's as horrible as it sounds. Sorry. And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/the-french-letter If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Podbible Interview: https://podbiblemag.com/2020/06/12/a-special-cheapshow-celebration/ MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Paul is writing a book! Want to help make it happen? https://unbound.com/books/ghosts/

I'm recording. Ready? Three, two, one. Come on. I've got nothing. I surprised myself. Hello. Hello, boys and girls.

No. Welcome to the comedy podcast that's also economic. Boys and girls. Fuck this. No. Boys and girls. No, boys and girls. Fuck them.

Ladies and gentlemen, ladles and jelly spoons Fat fuckers! Ladles and jelly spoons. Hello, smurty and spurties. Welcome to Cheap Show. Ladles and soup spoons. You looked so depressed when you said ladles and soup spoons for no real reason. It's depressing. Anyway, how do you feel after your big adventure? There was some great feedback last week, Eli, from you skating.

Well, I'm upset that I had to fall over that one time because that's the second time I've fallen over and I've been out skating since I bought those dozens of times. Dozens. You were just showing off for the camera. It was because I was on a hill. Yeah. I was on a hill.

Yeah, and you're fat and overweight with rubbish centre of balance. So, with all that being said... Oh, fuck, no! I'm on a hill. Yeah. I was on a hill. Yeah. And you're fat and overweight with a rubbish centre of balance. So, with all that being said... No! I'm not going to have that. I'm not taking that from you. You'll take it. You'll take it like you take it every fucking week. You'll take it from me every week until I'm done with you.

No! And then I'll cast you aside like a spent Johnny. Fucking hell. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast. And here is the theme tune, Cant. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles It's just a fact of Cheap Show

You're gonna have to learn to fucking accept Cheap Show Cheat Show It's the Price of Shite Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheat Show And I go and I nuzzle Hello Eli I'll just say to you right now Welcome to Cheat Show. And I go and I nuzzle.

Hello, Eli. I'll just say to you right now, I do not have a shit centre of gravity. If there's one thing I've got that's good, it's my centre of gravity due to my very short legs. And it means that trousers, it means two things, my short legs. Yeah? Yeah. It means three things. It means three things. Yeah. First thing. First thing short legs. Yeah? Yeah. It means three things. It means three things.

Yeah. First thing. First thing it means, yeah? Yeah. Good sense of gravity. No argument. Established. Established.

I'm like a roly-poly, one of those things that can't teeter-totter. Oh, like those Fisher-Price toys. The Weeble-Wobbles or whatever they were called. The Weeble-Wobbler. Yeah, I'm like one of those. Weeble-Wobble. You can't knock me down. I might teeter and totter, but I won't topple over.

Right. You mostly totter. Fuck you. The second thing it means, difficult to buy trousers. Very difficult to buy trousers. Why? Because they don't make trousers that are as short as my legs. Just go to Gap Kids or something.

No, but then I'll be too fat for those trousers. Go to the Hall of Mirrors Fashion House. Strange size and cuts. Nice. Based on your weird egg-shaped head and face body combo. Egg and face head body combo. Right, that's a sentence. I don't know, mate.

The third thing it means, though, Paul, the third thing having short, powerful legs with the muscles all bunched up, it means when I'm doing the job yeah when i'm on the job so to speak yeah when the knobbing is happening then i'll get i got a lot of purchase and a lot of thrust power dynamite rods little dynamite rods pistons yeah poor pumpy pumpy pump and i won't fall over when i'm doing it I could do a run up how about this you get into bed

with a lady and it's about to happen and you know what you should have in your bed those stocks that athletes use at the beginning of races you know that they put

their feet into I do put that in the bed it's funny you should say that I do have those it's not that funny but it's I know what you mean

I do have those do you and I've got a starter's gun and I've got some shorts. Okay. Also, also in my bed, Paul, I've got empty curry containers and some tamarind sweets from Mexico. Right, well, Eli, you did say that you had sources for us today.

Oh, by the way, if you've never heard the podcast before, it's me and Eli. We're going for the bargain bins at charity shops in Great Britain and picking out the treasure amongst the trash. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It's mostly cum gags. Right, so with that being said, I'm going to give you a timer of five minutes. Yeah. And you have five minutes to talk about

sources starting now. I'll tell you one thing now I don't accept this. The source report is not constrained, yeah, for one thing, by your timers. It is, and it will be from this point on. It will never be constrained. The source report is the joke. Mate, just keep eating into your five minutes with this pathetic, impotent rant.

Well, I'll tell you another thing. After I've established that, that it's not constrained, this is not the five minutes for the source report. You're right, it's four minutes thirty. No, but it's not, though. It is. It's not, though, because you know what, Paul? Just keep eating into it.

You know what, Paul? No, Paul, I will not. I'll eat into it as much as I like, because it's not real. What do you mean it's not real? The source report is not constrained by temporal boundaries. Well, then the source report is itself not real. So therefore, it doesn't have to exist. Therefore, it won't.

And do you know what, Paul? I'm giving you four minutes of reality to do it in. Do you know what, Paul? What? Your fucking wish came true. Because do you know what, Paul? What? Your fucking dream came true.

Do you know what, Paul? Go on. Your hope, your hopeful dream has come true. Do you know what, Paul? Go on. Your hope, your hopeful dream has come true. Do you know what, Paul? Do you know what? 3 minutes 45, mate. There is no source report. To me, there is no source report.

There's no source. Wait. I've got no source. Dear listener, let me read back the text I was sent, I sent to Eli earlier today. So, hey Eli, are you round about seven to record Cheap Show? We're getting some P.O. Box dropped off this afternoon, so hopefully there's an episode in there.

That's what we're doing this week. And then Eli writes, all right, cheer up. That never happened. I've got the answer, colon, source report. Source report, source, source report, answer colon source report source report source source report report source report

it's your words the words of Eli Jay Silverman I didn't get a confirmation text so the source report

was put on the back burner no no you said you had it covered that implied to me you had source backed up

and unfortunately how long I can produce sauce. No, how long is left? You've got 250. Right. What have we got in here? This is pathetic.

There's no sauces on it. This is truly pathetic. How the mighty have fallen off their roller skates like a dump. Fuck you. This is interesting. McDonald's. What's not? McDonald's balsamic. What, McDonald's do balsamic sauce?

Yeah, it's balsamic dressing. McDonald's one. Is it for a salad? Yeah, but I've got a cracker. Right. That's how... I don't want a cracker, I want sauce. What do you think the consistency will be on this?

Well, like balsamic, runny. Right, so I'll try not to get it everywhere then. Why are you opening it? You don't have any reasons to open it. It's a source report. You forced me to do a fucking source report. Two minutes, mate. Fucking.

What's the niff on this like? Oh, he's giving it a niff. Not good. Oh, he's dribbling it on a cracker. This is the crap. Oh, it's a little bit more viscous than I was expecting. It's very viscous. Oh, it don't look good.

It's probably because it's mostly sugar. It doesn't look good. And that face ain't good. Oh, when don't look good. It's probably because it's mostly sugar. Oh. It doesn't look good. And that face ain't good. Oh, when did it go out of date? When did it go out of date? Only a couple of months ago. Oh, that's all right.

Well, that means it's probably just congealed into spores and fungus. You don't even know what that means, do you? It doesn't matter because I'm not the one about to eat old dressing on a cracker. So you do what you want. Look, stop being so bossy. One turn. Fuck that. Fuck you. No. Eat your dirty cracker, you filthy pig. Look at you.

Oh, you've got a face like a man who's bitten into a pickle with a rat in. That's okay. It's quite a nice sauce. If it's quite a nice sauce, then why does your face look appalled? It's okay. It's quite a nice sauce. If it's quite a nice sauce, then why does your face look appalled? It was fine. It's very nice, actually. Was the cracker the one that was off?

Was it a musty cracker? No, no, the cracker's good. Jacobs, who make your beloved cheddars. Oh, yeah, we've got those mini cheddars still after. We have to pull them out at some point. You know what, Paul? We have to put the cheddars

into the League of Snacks and Crisps. We do. Otherwise, the whole firmament will come crashing down. The source report and the League of Snacks and Crisps are solid foundational blocks.

No they're more like the outhouse to the main building. It's where you go to Where people go for shit. Yeah it's where you go for a shit

during the podcast physically and metaphorically. Actually that isn't as bad as I first thought. It's quite viscous. Oh, doesn't matter. Shut up now. And that, ladies and gentlemen, was the source

report. Thank you very much, Mr Silverman. It was interminable, as per usual. Can I just say one last thing? What, forever? Please do. Source, report. Yeah. Source, source, report, report, source, report. Eli, not once in this segment

Did you do a doot doot doot doot do And I think the fans Were let down by that Well that's because I didn't know I was fucking doing it You It's your fault All of this shit

I'm not I'm a I'm slightly overweight But apart from that I've got a great sense of balance Good Put that on your fucking Tinder profile See the ladies roll in you just got nothing to do this week on this podcast so you thought i'll

fucking mock eli everyone loves that look at him the pathetic little roly-poly cunt with the small penis oh dear i touched the nerve there Oh give me the sauce report perfectly good sauce report just to let everyone know it's quite viscous but tasted quite nice very sweet

Too sweet Do do do do do do do do do do Don't get too far away from your mic it never picks you up and I have to adjust the volume

I can see the fucking volume here Look at these chopsticks Stop Right you've set me off Stop distracting me with detritus from your trips to certain restaurants around the West End. What's coming up on the show then, Paul? Right, well, coming up on the show this week, yes, we were given a big PO box delivery.

Some things were massive. Some things we can't really do until me and you are in the same room. Some are vinyl. So we need to review those and put them through the process, the vigorous process that all items have to go through when it comes to cheap show appearances. So we'll be doing that. But we have got two

little packages that I've pulled aside and we'll be going through those over the course of this episode. And I'll tell you, you'll want to stick around for the end because I've got a humdinger of a finale for you. Oh yeah? Yeah. Can we do an episode where I taser your bellend just to get back at you? All right. Yeah?

Only, only, only, right? Only if I can put two fingers up your bumhole. Whilst I'm doing it? Just leave them there for about 10, 15 minutes. Just let them rest. Well, and then I get to taser your bellend? Yeah. How high voltage? Not enough to kill me, but

just enough to maybe prevent me from having children ever again. Does that, what happens? It kills the sperm? Well, I don't know about that. I'm not a doctor or a scientist, but I can't imagine having massive amounts of electricity pass through your genitals. One of the most delicate areas of the human body is going to be pleasurable.

The reason I mention tasering the bell end, Paul, is because a friend of mine sent me, he actually discovered a real news story. Someone who had mental health problems was naked and he got tasered in the bell end and he said it opened up his fifth chakra or something. His fifth chakra? So what? So on the basis of that story you want to open my fifth chakra on cheap yeah well it'd be good because then you could what are the

four chakras you've got the groin belly button uh heart yeah and then um and then uh the brain no it's like the the eye the pineal gland or whatever right third eye and then the fifth is like outside the body that's your spiritual fifth chakra. That's your transcendent fifth chakra. Only accessed through extreme knob pain. Well, upon reflection, Eli, I'm going to withdraw my penis from your very kind suggestion.

Like you always do. Like you always do just before you spank on some poor unfortunate person's back. No, they're not unfortunate. They've paid a little bit of money for that, Joy. They don't pay you. They do.

They say, dollar, dollar, dollar, and they throw money at me. And I just sit there in a big leather... I'm not doing this segment. We're moving on. Who are they? Who are they? No more questions, Your Honour. No more questions.

Who are your punters? I bet they're old ladies. Old ladies called Judith. No. And they're all like, we're the Judiths. Oh, we're the Judiths. We're in a room. And we exist only to pay Paul to spunk on our bellies.

Right. Ladies and gentlemen, we are out of material. I'm calling it. We're out of material. No, the Judiths. All the Judiths. Free the Judiths. No, there's the Judiths. Oh, the Judiths. Free the Judiths.

No, there's no Judiths. There are no 50-year-old Judiths that I chug. They're older than that. That's what they tell you, Paul, because they're very vain. I literally... Oh, we're the Judiths. We're 50. They're 80 if they're a day. And they pay you tuppence for cummings.

We're out of material this week. So, let's play a little sound effect and then come back and see what we've got. On Cheap Show, the economy, the comedy compost. The comedy compost. Back from the sound effects. All right, Paul. Back from the sound effects. Come on, hit me.

Hit me with some juicy content burger. Ooh. Where's the cheese? Ooh. Has it got pickle? Ooh. Has it got pickle? Ooh.

Pickle this. Can I just say now, copy Eli into the pickle stuff. I and Cheap Show as a podcast on Twitter is not interested in pickle news. That's not...

I'm just going to put that out there. I need to clear the channels and I need to direct all pickle news directly to Eli. Fine. I need to clear the channels and I need to direct all pickle news directly to Eli Fine, I'll take the pickle news Pickles are too much of a rarefied and brilliant thing

for you to be interested in It's not that It's just You know what, mate? I just want something else What about a gherkin? That is a pickle What about something else?

That is a pickle Of course that's a pickle I don't get to say gherkin a lot. It's nice. It's better than saying pickle. What about this? What about gherkin? What about if I took all of my junk, cleaned it, shaved it nice off, cleaned it nice offly,

shaved it off nice. You got a nice sheen on it. Shaved it nice and clean and offly. Yeah, polished it. Polished it, cleaned it, shaved it. Yeah. Spit and polish. Spat on it, shaved it, cleaned it, polished it. Yeah. Spit and polish. Spat on it, shaved it, cleaned it, polished it.

Yeah. Yeah. Joshed it. Joshed it. Joshed it, spoffed it, cleaned it, rinsed it. And then I dunk it in a big vat of vinegar. Yeah. Pickled knob.

And then what? Then I could see how it operated. You've got nothing. Pickled knob is as far as your idea went. I thought you were going to say, oh, I'm going to plop it into a big mould and let it cast around the mould. Why?

And then I could fill it with pickle juice and turn it into Eli's mini pickle pickle bites. Oh, like a pickle pop in the shape of my knob. Yeah. Right. Eli's pickle pop. What's the fucking first item today? Come on.

Oh, I'm sorry. Are you not happy with this comedic idea now? The idea that everyone could be eating your tiny knob end i was gonna say for the for the love of science and the exploration and knowledge the love of pure knowledge paul i was willing to clean my knob polish my knob spoff my knob and then dunk my knob and junk and associated junk packet into some thick multi vinegar and then take it out and put it next to some chips. And what? A piece of art?

Is it art? Yeah. Well, that's up for you to decide. Beauty's in the eye of beholder. Oh, it'd be a Turner prize award winner. And it would be called Eli's pickle and chips.

Eat your art out, Damien Hurst. Oh, it'll be a Turner Prize Award winner. And it'll be called... Eli's Pickle and Chips. Ha! Eat your heart out, Damien Hirst. You have a shark in formaldehyde, I have my knob in vinegar. Yeah. With some chips. I like that. With some chips or something. Yeah.

Oh, it's very evocative. What have you got then? In the box or something? All right, well, I'll tell you what. So, as I said earlier, we had another PO box delivery. Lots of good stuff that we'll get through over the course of the next few weeks. A couple of things stood out. One was a little package that had a few other things in it, but I want to point out, there was no... was there a name?

No, there was no name attached to this. I kind of think the person's been in touch with me on Twitter already about telling me this is incoming, but there's no letter in the package or on the back. So I don't know who sent it. There were one or two items in it, which I thought, fair enough. Not too bad. For instance, Eli, you'll like this. Showing it to him on Zoom. It's a little army man in a plastic bag that just says toys. Oh, it's one of those. And you can see. It's one of those, yeah.

Oh, do you know what I found, Paul? What? At my flatmate, there was a... Did you know that they did the Beano Happy Meal toys? And they did two... I didn't. Two of the Bass Street kids. And he's got one of them.

And it's that Bass Street kid who had his... Who looked like a pulled back full skin head. Plug. Yeah. Was he called Plug? Oh, no. Smithy. Smithy.

Yeah. The one who looked like a snipped cock. Like Kilroy was here sort of thing. Yeah. What was that called? And then... Chad. It wasn't called Chad.

It was called Chad. In the Beano? No, I mean that nose over the wall character was called a Chad. I thought he was called Kilroy. No. Kilroy was here. You always did the nose coming over. Don't care.

Listen, he's got one of those and it's a Happy Meal one. But it's a very good build quality, and you pull a little lever at the head, and his head spins round. Oh, okay. That's a bit of fun, isn't it? It's a load of fun. All right. So I've got the toy out of the bag, and as you can see, Eli,

it's sodding awful quality. Well, it seems to have different plastics. No, it's just very cheap, very loosely held together plastic. What's the articulation? See if you can bend it. Just the arms and the legs stick out like the original Star Wars toys. What do you think this is based off? Do you think they've got a mould off somewhere else? From what I understand from Stuart's videos and things like Toy Galaxy,

they tend to be the copies of moulds from another toy line. And they're using these moulds for cheese. God knows what it could be. It literally could be anything. It's like a SWAT team army thing. Yeah. But the gun that comes with it is the exact same size as the man. Well.

And there's no place for him to hold it. You need a big gun, don't you? You do, but there's also the toy, the hands don't fit the gun. Well, you just glue it on. You give it a bit of a melt and glue it on. Or. And then he's a Terminator.

Oh, there you go. He's holding it now i will return to tom to tom to tom to tom come along with me if you don't want to die to tom to tom he doesn't look like terminator though does he no he just looks like shit army man so there's that that was in the package and i thought fair enough a little bit of tat i thought it might have been a price of shite thing but but no. Speaking of the Terminator, the next thing was, I don't know, it's just they sent a cassette of the Last Action Hero soundtrack. Oh, now, Paul, this is a little project.

I want to get hold of a tape player. So if you see one in a charity shop, we should get hold of it. Then we could play those tapes, couldn't we, easily? That's true. Because I do have a little Walkman thing that has a cable into the laptop so I can transfer cassettes, but the quality's not going to be great. It's not good.

The story goes is that the soundtrack was far more successful than the film for Last Action Hero. What's on it? ACDC, Alice in Chains, Megadeth, Death Leopard, Aerosmith, Cypress Hill, Fishbone, and then the last track is Michael Kamen, who did the score with Buckethead.

Ah. His little cassette. Interesting. What I miss from albums when you used to buy them, the fold-out sleeves with all the information on them. Line of notes, yeah. And pictures. It's got the last action hero, Golden Ticket,

that the kid uses to jump into the movies. That's the film that has the parody where he's doing Hamlet as an action film, isn't it? Yeah. And he goes, to be or not to be? Not to be. No. There's a lot of good ideas in that film i love that bit that bit where he goes to be or not to be and then he goes then he goes not to be if this was any other circumstance than a podcast recording,

I would be generally concerned by the actions going on on my webcam right now. But Eli, forget Last Action Hero soundtrack with a bunch of 80s rock bands on. The real prize in this pack is... Ooh, so what are you doing? Hello, sweetheart. Oh, I've got a trouser full of newspapers.

Hello, sweetie. Hello. Hello, sweetie. I've got a trouser full of newspapers. Do you like jumbo prawns? I've got a big trouser full of those. Right, Eli has lost it this week. I'll carry on regardless. Oh, come on.

What else you got? In that package with the cassette and everything, all very well and good. But what I really fell in love with was, you remember I got this? The little action replay camera that you stare through and has a little Terminator 2 thing.

Yeah, you got it working, didn't you? You cleaned up the contacts. Yeah, I got it all working. But I've only got the one film, which is Terminator 2. A little clip where he jumps from the bike into the helicopter and melts through it.

Paul, I seem to remember they didn't do a great deal of films for that device. It was mostly short animation clips, Tom and Jerry, Inspector Gadget, things like that. However, that person who sent me that cassette and that action toy

also sent along two film reels for the action replay. Ooh, excellent. Mint on card. And they are mint on card. Indeed, they are. One is Stingray, which is an old Gerry Anderson TV show about basically Thunderbirds Under the Sea, wasn't it, really, ultimately? I think Stingray is that one that does have the theme tune that goes, Stingray, Stingray, Stingray.

But it also has the end theme. Isn't that how Queef Huffer's theme goes, isn't it? No, it's not. Queef Huffer. No, it's not. Queef Huffer. The song at the end of the show was different. It was Marina, Aquamarina.

I've remembered how Queef Huffer's theme track actually goes. Go on. Theme song. It goes... Queef Huffer, Queef Huffer, yeah. Who called? I bear the Queef Huffer crown today. Who called? I bear the Queefuffer crown today. My name's Pelton Wilbury.

Oh, God. I knew I shouldn't have let that character in. I saw it walking up to the door. I should have ignored it. But no, I encouraged Eli to engage in more debasement. Yes, yes, I'm Queefuffer for this month, it seems. But I'm Pelton Wilbury. I'm just an accountant.

And I have no idea what I'm meant to be doing. This belt of noxious gases is weighing me down. What did you call the queef-huffer here for, Mr Gannon? I didn't. You can go now. Thank you very much though. I appreciate the effort. Please fuck off.

Alright, no need to be very shirty. I'm Pelton Wilbury. I'll float away using this. You're like one of those bad 80s impressionists who has to go, oh, I'm Frank Spencer. Or what would Donald Duck say? I'm Pelton Wilbury anyway, and I'm going to float away. I'll use this. I've figured out how to use one of these specialised huffs

on my bago, bago, belto huff, belto queef, sorry. I'll activate it now. It's a flying huff. Belto Queef. Sorry. I'll activate it now. It's a flying Huff. Bye. I'm flying into the air with the powers of Queef. Pelton Wilbury. You'll be hearing from me again. No, we won't. Bye. Never come back. I'm very high up here. Your appearance is unnecessary.

Now, there he goes. Wow. Queef Huff, they get summoned so easily these days, don't they? They do. very high up here. Your appearance is unnecessary. Now there he goes. Wow. Queefuffer gets they get summoned so easily these days don't they? They do. Anyone could be

another Queefuffer. Could be me next week. Oh talking of Gerry Anderson Paul I do have several records. Barry Gray was the guy who did the music for all of those

classic Anderson shows. And I've got some little 33 RPM 7 inch discs four of them that have the music from Stingray. UFO was the one he did that was live action. Yeah, that's right. Space 1999 he would have done as well, I think.

Yeah, UFO, the soundtrack, the theme for UFO is a corker. Either way, that's exciting. But I've got Stingray, right? So let's have a look. Is it an actual... Oh, let's have a look then. Well, as I say, it's just like the Terminator 2 one. It comes in a little plastic spool thing with a roll of film,

like an 8-track, that the machine spins around and you look through a viewfinder. So I'm going to try out Stingray. I'm putting Stingray in. Oh, here we go. I'm excited. I've not looked at the new one. Let me see how it loads.

Hold it up and let me see how it loads. So it's a little circular little disc. It looks like a hockey puck. It goes into a square block and you just literally slop it in. Is there an opening on the thing? Yeah, a big wide one. No, but on the cartridge, there's no opening. There's a bit where you... There's a bit where

the film's exposed so you can see it for the viewfinder, but it's all sealed up. That's what I mean, yeah. So I'm going to put it in. Here we go. And now I can review Stingray. Let's see what clip it is. Oh, hang on. I'm going to have to adjust the viewfinder. Now this is big fun watching me. Hang on, I've got to turn

around into the light. Hang on. So it's Stingray on his little travelling chair thing that he walks, you know, he doesn't use. It's like a wheelchair that he uses. Let's have a look. Oh, it's basically opening title sequence.

So it's flying through and it's entering the water and it's coming out of the water, the spaceship, and then the building's collapsing into the ground. Right. There's monsters. Yeah. And that's exciting. And it goes, Stingray!

And the little man slides down the pipe into the Stingray, which is the submarine. And then it loops again. There you go. So basically, it's the opening title sequence to Stingray on a cartridge. Can I see it, please? I don't know if it will work on this camcorder. Try it.

Oh, yeah. Oh, hang on. Yeah. Oh, yeah, baby. Yeah. Let me see if I can get it right, because it's hard to do when I can't see the... No, I can't see anything now. Hang on.

Press it. It's hard to get it right on the hole. Get it on the hole. That's not on the hole. That's almost, there we go, that's on the hole. Press it. Press the button. You can't see it.

Oh, what a load of shit. Those things are shit. You're shit. I hate this. Fuck off. This is shit. Right, anyway. Great idea shit. I hate this. Fuck off! This is shit. Right, anyway. Great idea for an episode,

Paul. I watched you play with your fucking toys. Well, you didn't have a source report, did you? At least I've got content, you rancid half-wit. Right, I've got one more film reel. There'll be a new Queef Huffer before this episode is out. You mark my word. The next one is something right up my street.

It is called Great Goals Collection. And it's Gary Lineker and Shearer. Larry Shearer. I don't know what his name is. What was his name? Alan Shearer? Alan, yeah. They're football players or soccer players in the US of A.

So I presume this is going to be Lineker and Shearer kicking a ball about. Let's find out. Yeah, there's a football pitch. It's very grainy footage. It looks like, you know, you see those 1970s films about the British film industry. But it would be from the 80s because Lineker was playing in the late 80s, wasn't he? Well, this would have been an 80s toy, I think.

What year does it say here? Oh, this is 1992. 92! Yeah. Wow. Which I guess that makes about as much sense. But anyway, let's have a look at what's going on in the football lands. All right, I'm looking.

All right. Oh, he scores a goal. No, he doesn't. Someone scores a goal. It's a kicking of a ball. And he scores a goal. And he's kicking a ball across. And he scores a goal. And's kicking a ball across and he scores a goal and he kicks a ball to another man and the man kicks it and it's a bit bouncy and he goes and he kicks it and there's a

goal and he kicks it into the fence and it's a free kick and it's coming in from the sides and it's a goal the man kicks it it's a goal, and now they're hugging and kissing and one man comes on his chest. I was about to say, Paul, imagine there was a disgruntled person at the factory and they managed to slip in some donkey porn on that. You don't know that's not one in existence. It says Lineker and Hashira

but when you watch it, it's actually like Lanky Dick and Shover. Awful, Paul. Lanky Dick and Shaver. Yeah, Lanky dick and shover. Awful, Paul. Lanky dick and shaver. Yeah, lanky dick and shagger. This is awful. Mate, this would be great though.

Little porn, little bits of porn that you just load in. And you go, They should do it. They should do a... It's only a 30 second reel. That's more than enough time for me to get the beans out, isn't it?

Well, they could use some of that Victorian porn that featured horses. Oh, yeah, like what the butler saw stuff. Did the butler see someone getting, knobbing a horse off? The butler saw everything, didn't he? No, but did he? Did he see some horse? Did he see some horse? Jenkins!

Jenkins, where is your master? He's outside. He's rogering the horses as we speak, sir. You get him. Jenkins, you get him here now. Okay. Can you stop having this scene with yourself, please? Why? You do scenes

all the time by yourself. Ah, I'm Wimbledon P. Fart-a-Tart, and I'm now the fucking Queen Puffer or something. Oh, what wacky name will my fever brain come up with next? That's a great name. That's a great name. Larence Handyhope.

Oh, I love him. Who was that, Quentin P. Half and Fast? I don't know. Hot and Tot or something. I don't know what I said. Paul, is there one of those things in existence? What are they called? I don't know.

You film or... Action replay cartridges. But what's the thing called? The action replay? Is that what the device is called? In the UK know you film or action replay cartridges but what's the thing called the action replay is that what the device is called the uk it was called action replay but in america it was called it's like sneak peeks or something okay the content was the same it was either short animations like tom and jerry or whatever or little film clips i would like to see one of those which features all the best some clip from from the Victorian era, where a huge horse gallops into a room and then plunges knob first

into the hairiest, hairiest, hugest, hairiest Victorian muff. You're a horrible human being. Like a grotto. I'll tell you what, like a hairy grotto.

Online, on eBay, there was someone selling an action replay, but it was special because it was a Chippendales one. So the film cart in it had a topless man with long blonde hair probably rubbing his tits and grabbing his little loincloth. There was a Chippendales one, was there? So they did do adult ones.

I guess. It might have been like a bit of merchandise for the tour where you can go home with a Chippendale in your hand, and you can sit there and Jill it all night long. Or Jack it, whatever's your poison. Jill or Jack it? Jack and Jill in it, yeah. What's Jill in it?

When a woman touches... We've been through this. It's when a lady touches herself to erotic completion. Is it? Yeah, Jill and Jack, because Jacking it off. What if you Jake Gillenhaul it? Well, then you'd be Jack Jill-off in it, wouldn't you? Or something.

Hello, I'm Jill Jackanoff. I'm Jill Jackanoff. Cheap Show basically every fucking week becomes the Eli random name generator podcast, doesn it that's what i was going to say paul now i've had a few phone calls yeah i've had and i don't i don't want to bring this up because i know you're sensitive about these things okay i've had a few phone calls

people beginning in touch a few emails okay so what it comes down to your nonsense words and and mouth noise work hasn't been up to scratch. You're not getting enough syllables. The institution, this institutional body has been in touch with me. It's the Centre for Nonsense Word and Mouth Noise Excellence, and they've been in touch.

Yeah. Okay? Sorry, I missed that. What was the name of this real company that you just said existed? I'll repeat it for you. Please do. Slowly, Paul. So you can hear. Please do. The Centre for Nonsense Words and Mouth Noise Shit!

What the fuck? You fucking cunt! Well, that's what you get, isn't it? But I guess you wouldn't have had that problem if you were better with your mouth noises, wouldn't you? I'll give you a mouth noise. I'll give you a mouth noise. I'll give you one mouth noise I'll give you a mouth noise it'll be a fucking tongue choked

girth noise with big chunky man throbbage oh he's gone to his standby knob no I'll tell you what I'll do I'll give you a big cuddle and say you're my bestest friend and we'll hold hands and we'll walk

down the road and I'll buy you an ice cream and we'll go sit in the park and have tea and then we'll my bestest friend, and we'll hold hands, and we'll walk down the road, and I'll buy you an ice cream, and we'll go sit in the park, and have tea, and then we'll be bestest friends forever, and we'll put a tent in your back garden, and we'll be up all night telling ghost stories, and then we'll live happily ever after as bestest friends. Is that better?

Would you prefer that then? I'm working on a children's story. No, God, no. We're not going anywhere near that. It's called Trodwallop. Right, no, we're moving on. going anywhere near that. It's called Chodwallop. Right, no, we're moving on. Ladies and gentlemen,

that's the end of this first segment. Oh, fucking what a shit show. What a load of shit. Did you prepare anything? Did you prepare anything for this podcast?

My source report was 100 million times better than that. What's not? I just watched you fucking watch some shit. I didn't see it. I've got nothing to say.

Of course I've got nothing to say if I don't have any shit to see. I'll get you for this, Gannon. I'll get you, butler. So, to sum up... No, there's nothing to sum up. To sum up, huge Victorian gash. Horse knobs. Yes. Yes? Yes, that's knobs! Yes.

Yes? Yes, that's right. Yes. So, yes, we had a bunch of P.O. box stuff, and this little box, coming up now, well, let me take you on a little emotional story, just briefly. So this box came in, I'll tell you who by in a minute,

and when I was fingering through it, I thought, that's all right, oh, that's all right, oh, what's this? And I read the little note, and I thought,'s all right oh that's all right oh what's this and I read the little note and I thought are you fucking joking me and then I thought well this is going in the podcast even though it could be potentially legally troubling for us to do so but it's no in it I'm guessing it's something it's no smirking or something I'm not saying anything we're gonna take the Eli is gonna take the journey I took today, all right? It's a proper null pubic wig. Right, so here we go, ladies and gentlemen. Here is the box.

Now, it was sent by someone called Rick, and there's a little note, a little post-it note on the back of one of the things in this that gives some of the game away. But it's packed full of stuff. I thought it was a price of shite box, but no, it's just a collection of stuff. Dear Paul and Eli,

I was cleaning out my attic and found a few items i thought you would be interested in uh he was right i don't want to spill too much but look out for the blue letter i believe the letter was isn't that blue letter blue letter is um slang for johnny i've never fucking heard that in my life oh oh i got oh i can't wait to knob you. I just gotta get a blue letter. Is it a French letter? No, it's not a French letter, is it? Yes, it is. No, a French letter, isn't

that based on a... It's a contraceptive. French letter. Already you've just fucking rupted this interesting box. Sheepgut. French letter meaning... Johnny. A condom. Right, fine, fair enough. Thank you!

During World War I and World War I-I... Fucking spelling mistakes on this are awful. Condoms were packed in small paper envelopes and issued to English troops. A lot of the troops went to France, and the French were sexually liberated compared to their English cousins, so the name French letter was coined. I never knew that. I didn't know that as well. Well, we've at least learned something today.

Anyway. I wish someone from France would send me some condoms in an envelope. Why? You'd never use them. I would. You wouldn't. I'd put them on and I'd dance around by myself, spritz some little French perfume under my arms, just me waggling it around.

Mate, seriously, sometimes I wonder if you need me for this fucking podcast. Or whether I should just leave a recorder in the room with you for 90 minutes and then come back and get it later. Send me a French letter and I'll wear it on my knob. I'll take a Dorset letter, which is like a French letter but it's just a fucking... Oh, be witty, Paul. Fucking

hell. Just be witty. It's a sheep. It's like a French letter Paul how about this I prefer a Dorset letter Because it's like a French letter Except it's a sheep There's the old Belgian gag though

Isn't there I'll have a Belgian letter Or it's like a French letter but with more phlegm Phlegm-ish Anyway I won't go into the rest of this little note until we get there, but that's where we

started. He sent it on this, what's this called? Lenticular card for the old Channel 4 show. Oh, that's nice. Banzai. Banzai.

Which you will never see on TV again because of racial appropriation and sensitivity. Yeah. Anyway. Still, nice lenticular. It's a nice piece of

lenticular, nice bit of orange and it reflects some changes. Lovely. Paul, can I just say, though, I just wanted to say, just to finish that thought off, imagine Fleming into a condom.

Don't finish the thought, Eli. We're all right. We've moved on. You don't need to pull it back. Let's quickly go through this box because there's a lot to get through. I just want to say sorry. I'm genuinely interested in the box. Again, some of the bits in the box were like,

okay, thanks for handing me your weird stuff. Like, for instance, this came in the box. A Batman helicopter toy. I'll take that. I'll have it. I had that exact toy as a child. It's in very bad... I had that exact toy as a child. It's in very bad condition, though. Do you want it?

Yeah. I like broken toys. It has a little dial on the bottom, which made the propellers move around at some point. Yeah. I remember that, yeah. And then it had a little winch for the rope, apparently, at the bottom,

which is skanky as fuck, that bit. Look at that dirty dangle. Oh. Put a condom on it. Put a condom full of spit on it. So there you go. So there's an old die-cast Batman helicopter in pretty poor state. That is exactly the same model I had. I had that as a child.

Do you recognise that at all? I mean, no, but it does look similar to the one they use in the Batman movie, don't they? The whole shark scene thing. But there you go. So that's that. Next, bottle opener. Fine. Good. You think, alright, this is a bit of Detroit. It's a bit of mad stuff.

What else have you got? Oh, and then there's a few Lego men. Oh, let's see. There's just a generic old Lego man from the 80s. I guess it's just like a biker or something. See, he's wearing a little red top. I see, yeah. But then he also sends me this, and this is the one I like.

Little ghost Lego man. Oh, that's nice, isn't it? Yeah, little Lego ghost man. Oh, I've not, isn't it? Yeah, Little Lego Ghost Man. Oh, I've not seen those before. They feature in the Lego movie briefly. Are you keeping that? Yeah, this one I'm going because it's going in the Ghostbusters firehouse, isn't it? How can it not?

Well, you can have Little Man. Oh, I don't want Little Man. On a little side note, Mark Honeyborn, who sent a bunch of stuff that we still have to get through, also forgot to send a few other things. And one of them was this Marshmallow Man Lego figure. Ah. A little tiny mini fig, Marshmallow Man. Isn't that adorable? What's that stand he's on?

What's that all about? Well, that's the little chip that you use to scan it so you can add it to the game. Yeah, but you can't remove him. You couldn't remove him from that and put him. Oh. Yeah. Oh, cool. So he works as just normal Lego as well.

Yeah. I mean, it's weird having a tiny Marshmallow Man, but there you go. And I was going, oh, this is all nice. This is fun. It's getting there. And then this was a bit of an odd one. Again, it's just old stuff he's found in his attic. Jacques Popler Games.

Happy Families. I remember those, yeah. 1795, but I don't know when this was made. It's Happy Families, which I... Can you explain what that is? I believe that's the one where there's pairs of them and you put them all face down on the table and

you pick one up, it's that game and you have to you pick one up and you turn it back over and then you have to pick another one up and if it's the same you take them off the table, you know like Uno or something? No Uno's not like that, Uno is a game like where you have to get rid of all the cards in your hand okay so this is more like matching pairs kind of thing until what you build up a family i know i think it's matching

i think it's just that there's pairs look at them show me some cards i'll show you some one that they're all i mean they're all what's that fashion oh what's he doing mr chip the carpenter's daughter oh yeah yeah i'll go there and on the back i like look at the back very nice i like those it's a nice design to this but i don't know how old this is it looks pretty old i'm not gonna say it's like 1900 but it looks old it looks 1930s or 40s i'd say this was famous for having what like master bun the baker's son does he have mr tape the tailor who looks like a genuine psychopath. He looks like he's going to shove that needle right up someone's arsehole. The art style is very similar to the art style in the original Alice in Wonderland books.

You can imagine the King of Hearts or Queen of Hearts looking like this. But it's even closer to Strawell Peter. Yeah. Oh, there's one of you. Mr. Bung the brewer. Look, he looks squat and pissed, there's one of you. Mr. Bung the Brewer. Look, he looks squat and pissed, dirty and unloved. I can tell from the picture he looks unloved.

Fuck yourself. Master Dose, the doctor's son. Hello. Takes a blue pill every minute. Oh, look. Mrs. Dose, the doctor's wife. What's she holding? Look at that.

A bottle of medicine. Now, that's a great big throbbing cock wobbler. That is a pelvic rattler. That's a knee bender. That's an O machine. An O machine? Yeah, an O machine. You put it up and you go, because it makes you go, whoa.

What if it was twice the size? What noise would you make? It is the Gash Panache spatula. No, come on. What noise? It's twice the size. Imagine it's twice the size. What noise does. No, come on. What noise? It's twice the size. Imagine it's twice the size. What noise does it make?

You know. Like that? Right. It's four times the size. And it's coming at you now. What noise? Such a dick. What are you doing?

You're asking me to make orgasm sounds based on the girth and size of a dildo. I wanted you to do a sophisticated starting with pleasure and then the cry descends and degenerates into a sort of gargle of pain as your insides are mashed by a huge, seven-foot-wide, ploughing dildo head with crunching jaws. All right, I'll do it. Eats into your flesh. Calm down? Jesus. I was going to do it then. dildo head with crunching jaws eats into your flesh.

Calm down. Jesus. I was going to do it then, but then you've... Here we go. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. And now it's hurting you. Now it's starting to hurt you. Now I'm turning it off. I'm bored. I'm turning it off. I'm going now. Sorry, now. Oh, I've got to go.

I'll see you next week. See you, darling. Bye. So, John Jacks still make board games and still make card games. They're still... Yeah, they're old school. Yeah, they're old school.

So, fair play. But God knows where this comes from. Maybe it is a game more like uno where you have to collect a family by you know discarding and picking from the top of the deck there's all kinds of things on the back of here ping pong the table card game snakes and ladders ludo lotto hamler patches snap counties of england menoru manifesto backgammon chess, Poker, Roulette. So that's a fascinating bit of objet d'art, but it doesn't end there. Plastic Shreddies spoons with Frankenstein and Dracula on. Oh my God,

I love those. Yeah. Those are excellent. Come free and Shreddies at one point. Does it have Shreddies on the handle? I don't know if you can see that, but yeah. I can see it.

Yeah, that's brilliant. Yeah. Now, I've just wondered, are these glow in the-the-dark ones, do you think? Because they look like they could glow in the dark, and they're Halloween spoons. No, that's not the right colour. No.

Or maybe it changes colour. Also, Paul, the stuff that they use to make glow-in-the-dark stuff is radioactive, so they'd never put it in a product that you'd put in your mouth, so. Oh, fair enough then. But you do get flavoured condoms, don't you? As we've found out, and we'll come up in a future episode of Cheap Show now, apparently. We're going to use them like chewing gum.

You give them a chew. So one of them's got Dracula on. See? That's Dracula's face. Brilliant. Next one is Frankenstein. That's green. The other one was blue. And look, you can do that optical illusion, where it looks like it's poking out. Wow, it's happening now. And then the next one,

the last one, another blue one, it's a skull. Oh, I love those. Well, they're coming your way. Ah. So as you see, item by item,

we're getting more fascinating things, you know? Yeah. He does throw in what he says is the world's most boring collector card. And I don't blame him.

It is from the Superman movie. So it's a Superman collector's card. Like Panini. Tell them what you see uh it's an explosion it's a journey across the gulf of space right it's just a sort of star it's that spaceship he flies through to earth as a baby isn't it it's like a kind of giant snowflake looking thing i like that that's good that's the proper origin yeah but like as a card you would thinking, oh, I'm going to get Superman or Clark Kent in action. It's like, no, it's a black background with a white star.

It's the baby pod. No, I'd be overjoyed. I'd be overjoyed if I got that. Well, there you go. Well, you can have that. And this is, do you remember these from the past? Oh, it's like a nostalgia podcast. Oh, do you remember Bullseye?

Do you remember that? Mini Boglins. Oh. So there's a Boglin. Is that a mini one, though? Yeah, a little tiny mini one. What's he doing? It looks like he's pouring bottles into a funnel that goes into his mouth.

See? Why wouldn't you just put the bottle straight in your mouth? Why do you need the funnel? He's mixing it up, isn't it? Maybe it's like vodka and orange juice, and he's just mixing it straight into his gobble. I don't think a gobble... What are they called?

Gobblers. Boglins. Because the big boglins were like puppets, weren't they? You could put your hand in and move their eyes and make them talk.

They were fucking cool. What are those ones that you squeezed and the eyes popped out? Puppies. I don't know. Here's another boglin. I like that green one.

This is yellow. He's got a knife and fork. Yeah, he's yellow, yeah. Pictures of all these items are going to be on the episode website. Episode website for the... Oh. They're going to be on the podcast episode.

Oh, piss. Just say a sentence. The images from this episode will be on that website. The website for... We'll have a dedicated episode page for this episode. Oh.

I can't do it. I'll just say it. I'll say it, Paul. I'll say it, yeah? Please do. If you're enjoying this description of objects we've been sent

through the post, why not log on to our website where you can see a whole page which will be dedicated to this particular episode and we'll have photos

of those objects which we're discussing. Right now. Thecheapshow.co.uk Here's the last boglin'. Oh, he's puking. I like that. That was my favourite boglin'. He's barfing his guts out. Oh, he's had a dodgy egg sandwich.

Yeah. And it's all come up. It's almost like one of your weekends out. There he is, knife and fork, ready to go, ready to eat. Then he's pouring all kinds of shitty muck into his mouth that he thinks is food. And then, oh, I shat my pants and been sick in my bed the end there's no he didn't shit his pants and i do not want people to think that i go

out of a night out i shit my pants don't look at me like that it's not i how many times have you gone out and shat your pants as a result i was working i was djing but i did drink afterwards and it was that one time that was it I think we've heard differently on this podcast in the past and I'm not going to I'm not going to bring it up again if you don't want to talk about it that's fine

here's the final item before we get to the prize right just an egg cup but it's a great little egg cup we've had egg cups in the past like that little Thomas the Tank Engine one

remember yeah I think I smashed that yeah well don't worry you can maybe replace it with this oh that's much better yeah it's a Super Mario Brothers. Like it.

And it's an official Nintendo product. It's got the seal on. He's saying something. Hang on. One egg, please. Is that what it says? Mario saying one egg, please. Yeah.

Not one of his catchphrases like, wahoo, or it's a me. It's like, one egg, please. Yeah, well, you don't want to, you know, but he does deal with eggs. So if you were eating that, an egg off there for breakfast, you could pretend it was an unfertilised Yoshi embryo, couldn't you? Yeah, do you think Mario does eat Yoshi eggs? And like Yoshi's staring at him going, mate, mate, that's my kids. He probably goes up, nicks him, slaps Yoshi in the face and goes,

you work for me, bitch. And then he fucking cracks the egg open with his head and then slurps it out. It's a good egg it's a good fetus it's a fetus yoshi you shut up and you're watching me eating your kids you shut up your face shut up your face mario it's me it's a fetus so this all came out the box and between you and me we found found some lovely, delightful things in here. A couple of toys. Delightful things.

Lovely little selection of Attic Tat, which is what I'm going to call it now, Attic Tat. That's the official Cheap Show term. And so I read on the note, and the note says this. So, look out for the blue letter, which was at the very bottom of the box. I believe the letter was posted in 1969,

if the postmark is any indication. My mother, who is no longer with us, must have sent him a fan letter. It's no, it's no, it's no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I can't, no, I can't, no, I can't. Thanks so much for the podcast. It's made me laugh a lot and made my work more bearable. There's a little note on the back that goes on and I'll read it out after I've read the letter. All we know is that Rick's mum, Janet, at some point wrote Noel Edmonds a letter, right, in 69. Oh, wow.

In 69? What was... That's before The Breakfast Show, even. It was long before Radio 1, yeah. So what was Noel doing at that time? Let's find out, right? Because obviously... Okay, so I do know he was working at Radio Luxembourg in 69.

I think that's where he started out, okay? Started making a name for himself. So obviously she would listen to Radio Luxembourg. Was that a pipe radio station? Yes. So where could you have heard that? South Coast? In a city?

No, you could hear it in London. That was the whole point. You could pick it up all over the place. Okay, all right, fair enough. Anyway, she sent a fan letter, and Noel sent one back to her. And I have Noel Edmonds' handwritten note to Janet. Wow. Would you like me to read what's on this?

Or would you like us to maybe not have a lawsuit? Oh, I need to hear it. I'm exaggerating somewhat, but do you want me to read this out? What did her letter say? We don't know. I'll get to that in a minute with a little amended note. But it's got the letter. December 9th, 1969, Radio Luxembourg's office was in 38 Hartford Street, London W1.

You see, yeah, so they couldn't go and arrest them in the office. It was weird, legally, it was strange, isn't it? Yeah, because you're in international waters, so you could broadcast. No, but they were big commercial concerns, weren't they? Those, the pirates, weren't they? Yeah, well, that and Caroline, because they were challenging local radio, which was kind of sounding a little bit farty-darty at that point. How did they make Those, the pirates, weren't they? Yeah. Well, that and Caroline because they were challenging local radio which was kind of sounding a little bit

farty-darty at that point. How did they make money, the pirates? For advertising? Adverts? Yeah, but is it legal for like a company to pay, you know what I mean?

I honestly don't know. These are questions for someone more knowledgeable and if you do know, email, get in touch with the show. Right, Eli. Yes.

Here is the letter December 9th Dear Janet First of all Thank you for the letter And secondly Sorry about the pen pal dedication Don't know what that means He probably got

I know what that means What? Probably means that He got a dedication wrong Or maybe Did they do some kind of service where they put people in touch with each other through the radio show where it's like you send in the details yeah it might be that turn you up with someone else and you could be pen pals something like that maybe yeah possibly anyway i hope that you will appreciate that it is very difficult to obtain a happy medium

between keeping the music going and giving out addresses so yeah somewhere in the show she requested something maybe he didn't get round to it, she pointed it out in another letter. He didn't get round to reading it out, yeah. Anyway, I found your letter most enjoyable, encouraging, and amusing. My voice makes you feel sexy, does it? Oh no. And what about this meeting me before I hit the big time? Oh my god.

Why should that change anything? Oh no! You were quite right. You never know what might happen. Yes, you're quite correct! Three exclamation marks. Anyway, Janet, thanks for the letter and if I can help you in any way

whatsoever, please don't hesitate to drop me a line. Yours and mine, Noel Edmonds. And he sent a little picture along as well of what he looks like in 1969. Oh my God. He looks like one of those kids from the

Village of the Damned or something. Yeah. He really does. Now, I'm going back to Rick's note now. And he goes, P.S. As a side note, my mother would have been 19 at the time she wrote the letter to Noel. Oh my word. And Noel would have been 21. Ooh. So I'm not trying to U- letter to Noel. Oh my word. And Noel would have been 21. Ooh.

So I'm not trying to U-tree Noel. I'm sure we've all had thoughts about our idols in our lives and maybe even written letters in this vein, however misplaced they may have been. P.S. Eli's voice is very sexy. Can we meet before he makes it big? But that is such a wonderful... I've got his signature. We can fucking forge some shit, mate.

That is Noel when he was 21 as well. Working as a radio presenter for Radio Luxembourg. He's been broadcasting his whole life, hasn't he, basically? Pretty much. And now he's fucked off to New Zealand now, hasn't he? But I initially read that letter wrong. Because when I was talking to my girlfriend about the letter, and I read it out, I misplaced it. And I thought it said, your voice makes me feel sexy.

And how about meeting me before I hit it big time? No, but it's in fact, he's saying, what's he saying? Well, he's basically just saying, she must have written something like, I hope we can meet before you make it big. And he's saying, you don't have to wait, darling, if if you want to get in touch and if you want to get in touch and i can help in any way if i could help you enter the industry darling yeah i'll work you from the bottom to the top i feel that his sexual power had not yet arisen in him because he's beardless in that photo he is beardless that's why it looks so strange isn't it part of why it looks so strange he literally looks like one of jerry anderson's puppets from fucking fireball xl5 the polo neck turtle neck or whatever they call it wow a little thing on the back wow what a lovely little thing right yeah and then funnily enough i'm just going

through twitter before we started recording this segment and on twitter uh chinny hill who people may follow uh sent quick no story and apparently it's a secondhand story from a friend of his saying they had a meeting with Noel scheduled at his mountain. Mansion. You're getting him confused with our friend. Noel's mansion yeah. No teen yeti yeah. Yeah. He's got a mountain. Mount Crop Pants. Remember him everyone? We do. We'll come back to him at some point. Right so my mate has a meeting with Noel scheduled at his mansion so he's nervous and he rocks up 15 minutes early. As he does so, he sees Noel getting into the Noelcopter and flying off. 15 minutes later, the appointment is due.

So he rings the bell, his mate, and on cue, the Noelcopter comes over the horizon like Apocalypse Now and lands. Noel bounds out. Sorry, I just had this meeting. Wow, he was pretending he had a meeting. Yeah. He's wasting a whole bunch of helicopter fuel just to appear like he's Mr Big Stuff. Yeah like he's flying in for some hot shot city meeting

where he's you know helicoptered his bit onto the top of the building and I want that. I want big time. Bam. They're on the big time. Paul it's all about the optics man. That guy just had a little peep behind the curtain you know. Yeah and he saw how

the meat was made and the meat is basically fake shit full of teeth and duck bones yeah it's just horrible imagine that imagine wasting all of that aviation fuel just to just to appear like you'd had a meeting that you had to go helicopter to that's probably all he used his helicopter for isn't it he'd just go oh someone's coming over today. Get the helicopter up. We'll come down when he arrives. Do you know what I mean? No, the milkman's coming. Oh, get that fucking helicopter. Oh, thanks for the milk.

I just came back from a meeting. Someone's coming to look at the boiler, Noel. Oh, I'll just get the helicopter out. Oh, I've just come back from a meeting. Or someone catches him, like his wife catches him

boning the fucking parlour maid or something. The parlour maid? And he runs out the building. Yeah, the parlour maid. I don't know. He's boning the parlour maid. The wife catches him. He thinks he's clever.

Runs out the house. Gets into a helicopter. Flies back down. Oh, I've just come back from a meeting, darling. When his cock-a-bulls smell of sex. They smell of the parlour. Right. Paps, pull, darling, when his cock-a-bulls smell of sex. They smell of the parlour. Right. Perhaps, Paul, Paul, Paul, perhaps.

What? Perhaps instead of the parlour maid, it's in the parlour, you might keep a very briny, rich vinegar in there. Mind you, that you could just, you could buff your knob down, shave it, give it a polish and give it a good dunking. Dunk it. And then once you feel the shrivel, you get the shrivel, you feel the shrivel and then you go,

ooh, ooh, ooh, that's nice. And then... When are you going to give up? When are you going to give up? Might be Noel. When are you going to give up? I'm Noel's shrunken knobpiece. We're back. From the sound effects. Full time. Hit it.

One time Mr. Ganon. Here we go. Yes here we go it's time to wrap up this show wrap it up come on Ganon wrap it up I'll wrap it up Ganon it's time you're the man on who can on wrap the shot on I've shot on your face

I'm scrubbing it I'm scrubbing it through a sieve that's the end of that I'm scrubbing it. I'm scrubbing it through a sieve. That's the end of that. I'm scrubbing her poo through a grater for you. I'm grating it. Well, thank you for listening to Cheap Show. I have been Paul Gannon. That's been Eli Silverman.

If you would like to see pictures that accompany this episode, go to thecheapshow.co.uk, where you can also get links to our merch page run by Tony, events, fantastic magazine physical magazines for Cheap Show links to all sorts of things

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Can I just add, Licky, Licky, Fanny, Fanny. Good, great. On social media, you can get Cheap Show on Instagram. You can get it on Facebook, Tumblr, also on Twitter. We're mostly chatty on there. So it's at the Cheap Show pod. I'm at Paul Gannon Show, and Eli is... Eli Snoy, D-L-I-S-N-O-I-D.

Next week you'll envision big name guests the songs have been counted and tallied up we've got an extravaganza coming up and we hope you enjoy it

It's gonna be massive In August we are doing the awards episode that's gonna be another big episode for us as well so that's gonna be lots of fun and the big announcement now

I think kind of counts is that episode 200, we have a plan. It's going to be massive. So on October the 2nd, episode 199 is going to go out, right? As per usual.

As per. But that evening, that evening. Not as per. Not as per usual. Not as per. Eli and I will be recording Cheap Show episode 200 live on Twitch oh hello so and

we're going to do it in a studio there's going to be guests it's going to be different and fun and it might collapse but that's the plan in the morning of October 2nd we're going to put out one episode episode 199 and in the evening live on Twitch we want you all to join us we haven't got a time set yet but we want you to all join us on the Friday evening, October 2nd, for our live 200th. And then the following Friday, the 9th, is when we actually release it as a podcast version. All right? Good. Not as per. No. We'll hopefully have some guests, some visual challenges, things we've been banking for a while that we couldn't do on the podcast because it was too visual.

But that's the plan. Excellent. So if you want to follow us it's called Cheap Show Etc on Twitch brilliant and we might Twitch before then though Paul

we're hoping to do more Twitching I've got some gear I've got all the gear now for Twitching got all this lovely gear that the patrons have made possible

I've got a light and a tripod yeah I could we've got a new camera so sharper images we're going to do our best to do a few more special little cheap show twitch shows but the big one it's a big one the big one is happening

not as per not as per friday 2nd of october evening twitch cheap show etc join us there for what will probably be a technical shit show it's's going to be massive, not as per. Massive. Not as per. Not as per. That's it. Massive. That's all we've got time for. Massive. Eli, I've got to go back to my magic spaceship in the clouds until next week.

Okay, you have a good journey. What are you going to do? Oh, just roll around. No. Yeah, roll around. Right, good. Well, while you roll around, I'm going off into space. Bye, everyone.

Michael. It doesn't make that noise. What makes that noise? It fucking does, because it pulls me through a window and I'm a fat bottom. Your repertoire of noises, including mouth noises, needs to expand. I've had the institution. Your repertoire of smells needs to expand beyond pickles, chilli, farts and death. I love it. I call it Scottish. Bye everyone.

Scottish. Bye everyone. Smell by me. Bye everyone. I'm done. Scottish, an odour by Eli Silverman. Goodbye.

Bye. you