CheapShow - Ep 19: Mr Blobby Vs America

Episode Date: April 8, 2016

It's the return of the CheapShow Chaps with more opinions on the cheap and cheerful as well as the budget and brilliant! This week, Eli and Paul talk about all things America as Eli has just returned from a trip to the good old U S of A! Eli and Paul tackle Trump, come up with a piss poor revolutionary uprising strategy and look into the murky world of countrfeit dollar bills! The Cheap Eats selection is taken from some of the finest gas stations, drug stores and Dollar Trees America has to offer. Paul is NOT impressed. Ash Frith gives us a little insight into the Hollywood MockBuster explosion, covering everything from Transmorphers to RoboPoliceMan. Finally, we end on the tragic tale of Mr Blobby, his awful music, his American renaissance and go down the "Awful Novelty Hit Single" rabbit hole... You have been warned! Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! You can see pictures and accompanying videos on our website www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow @elisnoid or @ashfrith If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... all that jazz! Subscribe to us on Stitcher or iTunes and get fortnightly fun WARNING *Show contains strong language and adult material

Hello, ladies and gentlemen. It's Eli Silverman here. It's another episode of Cheap Show coming to you from our Soton Studios. Ooh, professional. And here's your other host. It's Paul Gannon, everybody. Hello, everybody. Welcome to the happiest show on the planet i'm

overjoyed i'm positively thrilled frothing from the tip of my cock with excitement you can't see it i'm just as imagining it what my penis foaming like a volcano if it's foaming mate you need to go to the doctor and i need to go to the doctor and welcome to the Economy Comedy Podcast. I've been practising. Well done. There, you try it. Economy comedy.

Alright, I've been practising. What have you been doing? I've been doing nothing. Yeah, apparently. So, welcome to the show. Another ramble through thrift stores, flea markets, second-hand shops and charity shops. 99p stores, Poundland. Although 99p's been bought out.

Has it? By Poundland. What's it going to be? 99 and a half p? 99 plus 1p stores. No, Poundland apparently just bought them out. So all the 99p stores will either close down or be assimilated into the Poundland dynasty. Borg, Cube. Yeah.

So I'm wondering how much that costs because if everything's 99p in those stores And yet you go to Poundland Does that mean now They're getting an extra Penny out of your pockets Probably yeah

That's disgusting And over a large amount Of stores That's a lot of money Yeah So that's the plan So it's just going to be Pound stores at this point

So all that cheap tat Will be just siphoned off To another store Probably two metres Away around the corner Have you noticed that Poundland and 99p stores Are almost facing each other On the high street well they're in competition

with each other not anymore not anymore yeah mr 99p was like i had to sell out i had to sell to the big money guys well it was that one p was missing out on all his items it was like eroding the business slowly i know just show just proves nothing else, that undercutting the competition does not necessarily mean success. No, not necessarily. So, congratulations, Mr. Poundland. You win this round. And, you know, in the States,

they've got Dollar Tree. It's called Dollar Tree. Oh, is that their version of it? Yeah. Can I imagine what the logo is? Is it a tree? I'm not sure, you know. I don't think there's any logo.

I think it's just... Are you going to check the internet? Of course I'm going to check it, because that's what the internet's for. If nothing else, it's for checking out facts that we can't substantiate live when we record this show. Yeah, it's got a tree. Well, to be fair, it's a clever logo. It looks like a tree, but it's got the number one as the stem of the tree itself, the actual bark.

Signifying how many dollars you'll be paying for the artist. Potentially. And then there's a green... It's a perfect circle with the green. It's green. And so, if you think about it, if they all cost a dollar over there in Dollar Tree, you might as well get a plane ticket if you're going to buy a lot of stuff from Poundland.

I can see where this is going, go on. Depending on the exchange rate, you're going to make a significant saving on all those items. Apart from the plane ticket you're going to make a significant saving on all those items. Apart from the plane ticket. Well just make sure you go and you buy every item

for a year that you're going to buy. Like a lot of biscuits. And never leave the house again so you can save on travel to the store. Yeah. Like bus trips, train trips.

You could save money. Yeah you could. You wouldn't be able to get the proper British biscuits over there would you? No. And that's where Dollar Tree falls down. Yeah.

That's not the only place it falls down, believe me. Oh, why? Have you been in there? It's a hive of shit. Well, have you been there then? Yeah. So let's get into this then. Right.

You recently returned from the land of right wing nut jobs and gun nuts, haven't you? From Florida in the United States. Yes. That's specifically. Yes. Yeah. And we had to park next to some pickup truck which had a trump sticker yeah i vote for trump that's depressing as shit

i was just sort of like i don't want to look them in the eye in case they go nuts yeah because charge him for the fucking what is it about florida man it's a weird fucking part of america yes isn't it though yes it's, we're more south than anyone, and to prove it, we're going to vote Trump. Yeah, it's a strange mix. Because you've got relatives out there, haven't you? I do. I do, and...

Let's open the book to Eli's life and go a little bit deeper into your backstory. Your, like, genesis, so to speak. My genesis? Yeah, let's talk about... Not your album collection. I, like, Genesis, so to speak. My Genesis? Yeah, let's talk about, not your album collection. I'm on about, uh, or the Book of God. Uh, your beginnings. Because your family all live out in America, basically, don't they?

Yes. And you are, basically, for want of a better phrase, American. Well, don't spread that around, but, um, yes. I, uh, I'm first generation British, so both my parents are American, and I was the first of the children to be born in the UK. So the rest of your family were born in America? No, they were born here as well, but they've just moved back out there. Oh.

For a better standard of living, so to speak. Yeah, well, it is. Things are cheaper. Property's cheaper. Life is cheaper. In Florida, life's cheaper. You get blown up. Blown up. They vote Trump. Vote Trump. Rig's cheaper. You get blown up. Blown up. They vote Trump. Vote Trump. Rig their voting. The thing is, with the caucuses and all of that, it's like party. It's in party.

So it's not under the same sort of strict rules as the actual election. Oh, really? So they can play fast and loose in some respects? Well, this is what they're saying. This is what the whole thing is with Trump. They're saying, well, we don't want Trump. All the Republicans are going, this guy's a complete, you know. Isn't that weird, though, when even the Republican Party, the GOP, say,

I don't think Trump's a good idea. No, none of them do. He's a little bit too right-wing. Yeah, it's not even that. He's just nuts. This other thing, he says, I'm worth the Donald Trump, the Trump name's worth for Bill. He's gone bankrupt several times.

Yeah. He's worth about 200 million or something like that, apparently. Yeah, someone said if he put all his money in an isa and left it alone for the exact same amount of time he's been in business he almost had four times the money he has right now so great for business yeah he's basically squandered a huge inheritance and that whole thing well you know i started out like any other businessman my dad gave me a small loan of a million dollars immediately sick in mouth yeah and what do you think he did as well? He said, oh, Trump steaks. I'm going to make a line of, you know, really good American steaks and Trump steaks.

And what we're going to do is we're going to sell them in a clothes store. Really? Yeah. I can't remember the name of the clothes store, but that was his idea. Would they all be on hangers? Yeah, probably. Hanger steak. I don't know what that is.

I'm laughing. That is a steak. Is it? Yeah. Well, there you go. That was clever. And I laughed even though I didn't get the joke. There you go.

So you were in America. Fit as in your family. How did that go? Sk a steak. Is it? Yeah. Well, there you go. That was clever. And I laughed even though I didn't get the joke. There you go. So you were in America. If it isn't your family, how did that go? Skirt steak. You can get skirt steak too. Any other clothing-based steak you can get? Hat steak?

No, there's no hat steak. Trout steak. Trout steak? I don't know. That's fish, mate. You can have fish steaks. So yes, I was staying with my sister

who is a teacher out there. And she is working in one of the more deprived areas in southern Florida. She had some funny people's names, people in her class. There's one of her students called Pepinson Dorville. Only America will come up with names like that. Pepinson Dorville and his classmate, Bendy Pierre. They're Haitian, I believe.

Oh, okay. Well, that's all right then. But she can't call him Peepy. No. So she calls him Peeps, apparently. Oh, that's nice. Yeah.

Peeps is good. Yeah. And also, I'm talking about cheap eats. Yeah. They've got these things over there. Basically, they're like a Watsit

in the shape of a chipstick. Right. But hot. Spicy. They're called hot fries. Oh. And people love them. a what's it in the shape of a chip stick, but hot, spicy. They're called hot fries. And people love them. So, basically, because they love them, you get these people in my sister's school, students, who sell hot

fries. They're known as sellers. And then you go up to them and say, are you holding? And they're like, yeah, man, how much you need? What? Hot fry sellers. I'm sorry, this is like the worst episode of Breaking Bad I've ever heard in my life.

Wow. Have you got the... Pepinson, got any hot fries? Ask Bendy. Bendy's holding. Yeah. Wow.

So, do you like America? Seriously, all things considered, would you move out to America, though, to be with your family? Have you considered this? Yeah. Because, you know, in London, quite a lonely person, aren't you? Thanks, Paul, yeah.

I'm just saying, all your family's not really in the UK anymore. And I'm considering, I mean, look, if I was in your position, I'd be like, fuck the UK, I'm going over to America. I am sort of edging towards that, what with the whole political climate. What, over here? Because if Trump gets in, you may as well just buy an island or swim to the Isle of Dogs. He won't get in.

No, because I can't think in the worst possible way in the future that there'll ever be a president called President Trump, which sounds like a cartoon character. It certainly does. It's a word for fart. Come on, we can't have a present like that. Here's the opposite thing, though.

If Trump doesn't get in, if, we just don't know, we're recording this in the past, so we don't know what the future holds. Yes. Bernie or Clinton? Have you got the burn? I do not feel the burn. Do you not feel the burn?

Yeah, I mean, he's obviously like someone who tells the truth and sort of sticks up for the little man and is honest with politics, so he's not going to be able to run the united states is it no because he goes against everything the american people are used to at this point in terms of government so there's that there's that very cynical kind of view that it's like okay big deal but you know bernie's like you know but clinton's just awful yeah she seems awful she's like uh i'm just gonna send a lot of really deeply secret emails via my gmail account you know i'm just gonna do send a lot of really deeply secret emails via my Gmail account. I'm just going to do that.

It's just a fucking state, isn't it? Yeah, it's not good. The whole world's not looking very good, is it? No, not really. So I was out there, and then they had this whole thing with Ian Duncan Smith going, right, I'm taking a stand. Yeah, after crippling the benefits and single outing disabled people for benefits, what I'm going to do is, after years of doing that,

finally the line in the sand's been drawn. And now I'm going to take a stand. What a bald-headed, wanky-toothed cunt that Ian Duncan Smith. You know, this is the most political we've ever been. I know. Isn't it? It's getting political. It is.

Maybe we should call it Cheap Show for How Long? Well, we just don't know. This might be an expensive show. Yeah. Against our will. Subsidised show. Subsidised show. The Academy Show. That's the other fucking thing.

The government's saying, yeah, get used to all schools being academies, whether you like it or not. No debate, it is a depressing place to be. It is. Fight the power. In fact, if you're listening to this, I want you to pick up the nearest sharp object you can find,

and we're all going to march to Parliament right now, right now, right now, right now, all together at the same time, right now, and burn the place down. Ooh. I'm inciting violence on this podcast.

That's how edgy I am. I'm inciting violence. I don't care if you flick the Vs. I don't care if you go, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, policeman. I want anger on the streets. I want turmoil. Okay. Right? I want people to go up to, I don't know, a policeman, I want anger on the streets. I want turmoil.

Okay. I want people to go up to, I don't know, the banks and go, no. Just stand outside and say no. Yeah, kick a bin. I personally think as one of your closest friends, you could fuck off to America. Thanks, Will. And then I can come over and we can do Cheap Show USA. Yes, but we've got a bit of a USA-themed show today, don't we? We do, a little bit of a US-themed show.

So shall we crack on with it? Yes, what have we got? Let's crack on with it. Let's crack on. Right, so we're back in the room. Okay. So what I thought we'd do is talk about money today. And not just money, but counterfeit money from a website called Wisebred.com.

And the article is, Weird Money Facts, 10 things you did not know about counterfeit money. Oh well I bet I did know some of them. Do you? Shall we test this? Yeah come on. Alright let's see. Okay. Fact number one.

The $100 bill is the most counterfeited bill in circulation. Knew that. Did you? No did you? I did. No but that just means whatever I say now you're going to say I knew that. I wouldn't do that. Why would I ruin the integrity of the show by just sort of talking shit?

Well, how has that changed the format of the show in any respect? No, I did know that, Paul. I did know that, yes. All right, well, Audis says, when you hand over a $100 bill, it gets more scrutiny. The $20 bills are usually taken with any kind of scrutiny check when you use them in shops and things in America. Even $50 bills will get a second look. Why does it take the $100 bill to the top spot? Well, a detailed study showed by the Federal Reserve Bank of Chicago

that it all boils down to the quality of the bills. Fake 20s are easier to spot and then easily dropped out of circulation, whereas $100 counterfeit bills are of much higher quality. Yes, because there's more at stake, isn't there? It's $100. Well, you've got to spend more time making more counterfeit hundreds than you would expect. You do notice when you're out in the States, a lot of places won't accept hundreds. At all?

Yeah. Wow. It's funny, we don't have a £100 note in this country, do we? We certainly don't. In fact, if you ever use a 50 in the UK... They give you funny looks, don't they? They look like, hey, ooh, ooh. They get the magnifying glass out, run it under the thing a few times, look at you.

They call their manager. Yeah, they're in the back room looking at you through the blinds. Mr. Tipkins, Mr. Tipkins, there's a man who looks like a tramp and he's got a 50. Yeah, it's a 50. What? I'm a high roller. Just fucking take it, mate. It's a pinky, mate.

Yeah. Fact number two. Ridgers were put on coins to stop counterfeiters. Ah, did not know that the website says it all stems from measures to protect you from counterfeits back in the day when coins were made of gold and silver people would clip the edges off coins and collect the shavings over time they would have enough to make their own gold and silver coins if you collected enough clippings yes yeah the ridges were added to the press coins uh so they stopped these coin clippers

in their tracks. That's interesting. Of course, modern crooks have found a way to manufacture coins with ridges, and the British pound coin suffers from millions of fakes every year as well. It does, doesn't it? Yeah, because I've noticed that as well. You know when you get pound coins, and you go, I'm just going to put a pound coin in the machine to get, I don't know, a drink out or whatever,

and it just goes, and it rolls back out, and you think, no, no, no, no, no. That is a proper pound. I got that in a proper shop. Yeah, it's not proper, and it rolls back out. And you think, no, no, no, no, no. That is a proper pound. I got that in a proper shop. Yeah, it's not proper, is it? And then you look at it, and it's kind of mottled. Mottled is a very good word to describe it, yeah. Yeah, it's kind of dented and mottled. Yeah.

So counterfeit money has been a war strategy. Another strange but true fact. But a very powerful one, says the wisebred.com website. I'm repeating it so people just know this is someone else's research that I am pilfering for the sake of our show. No one would expect you to do research. Thank you. During wars, nations will produce counterfeit currency of a country

they are at war with as a simple way to bring the opponent's economy crashing down. One famous case involves the British government flooding America with foley currency during the 1776 War of Independence. The Brits did it again during the Second World War and the Japanese printed out Chinese currency in the 1930s and

40s. There are numerous reasons why. The most obvious is to create hyperinflation. Yes. And also counterfeit money can be used to pay informants and buy munitions. Yes, very dastardly. Yes. Very dastardly. Clever though. I don't think I've ever had a counterfeit note.

You don't know though would you well so they can test them with the pens and stuff can't they oh those little kind of purple pens yes infrared pens yes you always see them like in corner shops uh stuck stuck on the tobacco counter don't take these townland does that they always have a little guy with a little pen swiping it and stuff like that did you know they're trying to get rid of cash? No. So watch out. How? Well, if you think about it, there's this whole movement towards cashlessness. You've got the contactless payments.

Oh, yeah, the kip and pin and stuff. PayPal, everything done online. And it's a way for them to have ultimate control. If there's no cash, they can literally just say, your bank account does not work. Yeah. We're not going to let you have money. And Mr. Hacker could easily just go, beep, bop, bop, bop, bop. You've got no money anymore.

I think they should just buy gold cougar hands, stick them in the garden, get a rifle. You know? Put it all in a mattress. Yes. And watch Fox and Friends on a regular basis. A lock-up mattress. Yeah. A lock-up mattress.

Yeah. Get these mattresseses big padlock on it right very nice you just couldn't use a knife and slash it open well how are you going to close it again you need a zip and a padlock yeah but that's what i'm saying i'm thinking of a suitcase no you're thinking of a suitcase or a rucksack either one basically put your money in anything that isn't a bank is what you're suggesting isn't it well yeah no it's it's that's that would be awful wouldn't it would? It would be awful. Banks, it says here, fact number four, hand out counterfeit bills.

I didn't know that. Even they can fall victim to counterfeit money, especially those fake $100 bills we mentioned earlier. Here's a story. Last year, a grandmother named Arlene Larez withdrew $300 from a bank in New York and deposited it later, about an hour later, into her stepdaughter's bank.

When the fakes were discovered, the bank that issued them refused to refund her loss. Because basically, if you don't do it right there and then and check the money, the minute you leave the bank, it's done. It's your problem. It's your problem, mate. Mrs. Lorrez, go fuck yourself. I would, yeah.

Sorry, little old lady. Sorry. Sorry. Is that your daughter's money for her important back operation? Yeah. Fuck you. You left, though, didn't you. You left though, didn't you? You left.

You didn't check it. That's the thing. They didn't check it on the way in and when they gave her the money out they didn't check it but when she handed it in.

When little old lady hands it back in that's when the banks get involved with this. Right. We're going to do an uprising again.

Right. I'm going to show my willy to Barclays. What is it about you and the way you do private little moments of outrage? You either show your bum show my willy to Barclays. What is it about you and the way you do private little moments of outrage? You either show your bum or your willy. Well, it goes back to evolutionary strategy.

Is it effective? No. Have you ever won any argument by showing your penis? No. I wish I had the kind of penis that would win an argument, though. Mate, if you had a penis that could win an argument. You know, you're like, what? Who's next on the pool table?

No, I've got the quid down. Well, look at that flop. Any fucking argument now? Not only that, I can use this to pop the black. You watch me. Anyway. Anyone could... Fact number five.

My penis would lose an argument. Really? Yeah. Even one you haven't started? Yeah, basically. It's the IDS of penises. Your penis is a little, bold, angry, buck-toothed monster. Yeah.

Who fucks over the sayboard. Dark. Fact number five. Anyone can produce quality fakes. Technology has changed the way counterfeit money is being produced. Over 20 years ago, 99% of counterfeit money was created using sophisticated methods. Printing presses forged plates. Today, 60% of counterfeit bills are made using standard inkjet and laser printers.

Recently, a woman counterfeited $20,000 in fake bills simply by soaking $5 bills in degreaser, scrubbing off the ink, and printing them with $50s and $100 images. And it was all done, apparently, on a cheap HP printer. They don't advertise that when you do a HP advert, do you? HP printers print fucking money! It's fascinating.

But then that's what they say about American money because it's all green. It's all the same size as well. It really gets you. You could literally think, oh, that's a dollar and then you'd be handing over a hundred dollars. I remember, the thing about Americans is they love things to be as they've always been, because that's what they think America is,

this kind of non-growth state where everything's perfect, and it's like this American dream. Unchanging, you mean. Unchanging. Non-growth. Non-growth. I'll use whatever words I like. It's not even a term.

Ah, well, now it's not, but tomorrow, Billy Bobbins uses it in the pub. Billy Bobbins? Who's he, Pepinson Dorville's stepfather or something? Yeah, Billy Bobbins uses it in the pub. Billy Bobbins? Who's he? Pepinson Dorville's stepfather or something? Yeah, Samantha Spank uses it in the bingo. And suddenly everyone's using the word ungrowth. And then you're looking quite stupid when someone comes up to you and goes,

Mr. Silverman, I think we'll find that your bank statement has had a lot of ungrowth recently. That's not a word. Get out. Right. What you mean is it likes to think of itself as unchanging. Yeah. It likes to have this idea it's always got its core values at heart. You know?

And yet when someone suggests, oh, maybe we should put a bit of colour on the money so you can tell the difference, they go fucking crazy. Don't like that. Don't want that. The other thing, you mentioned 50s. Yeah. Did you know 50s are considered bad luck by gamblers? No, I did not know that.

So there's certain gamblers, like in Vegas or whatever, if you try and pay them a debt back in the 50s, they'll, you know, get angry. But why is that? Why is it bad luck? No, they're just bad luck. 50s are bad luck. Also, $50 chips in casinos, people would avoid those and stuff.

That's fascinating. I mean, because obviously when you're into gambling, there's a lot of superstition involved in how you play. There's all superstition. So what you should do is, when you're next playing a poker game, create a false superstition, or, you know, is when you're next playing a poker game, create a false superstition

or, you know, a thing about whatever money or cards are being used. You know, you say, oh, I can't possibly use the 20 chip because it gives you cancer. And then everyone's like,

oh, I don't want to. And then they start betting high to get rid of all their 20s and you walk off with a handsome little sum. Your lack of knowledge of the whole oeuvre

of gambling really is startling sometimes yeah well i don't care here's a little tip paul if you're going to make up some little anecdote or something about something try and get some basic facts right about it i refuse all right i will never do that fact number six counterfeiting was once punishable by death in the 18th century benjamin franklin himself printed warnings on the 20 shilling bills to read to counterfeit is death and people who were caught doing it in england in the 17th century were hung drawn and quartered they just used to fucking kill anyone oh mate if you had like epilepsy you were probably a witch they'd dunk you in the river you know you talk to your cat i said i talked to my cat you talk to your cat. I talk to my cat. You talk to your cat. Mr. Whiskers.

Number seven, the Secret Service was founded to stop counterfeiters. There you go. I did not know that. That's interesting. So that was the big, wasn't to spy on other nations or anything? No, it says here, you think the Secret Service is a government agency responsible for the detection of the President of the United States, but it only began doing that role in 1902, one year after the assassination of President William McKinley. Before that, the Secret Service was responsible for dealing with American counterfeit money problems,

and they were created by President Lincoln to fulfil that task. So there you go. Yeah, it was probably a massive problem in the early days in the States because it's such a huge place with all these sort of... Oh, yeah, and, you know, money would travel far and wide, and, you know, you wouldn't know between when it was printed and when you put it in your hand whether it was real cash or not. No.

Counterfeit money, fact number eight, is readily available on the dark web. Ooh, yeah. You can say, oh, I'll have £1,000 worth of £20,000. Or something. That's what it is, though. You pay less, obviously, don't you? But you still pay something. Yeah.

So what? You're paying an X amount to buy, let's say, 20 pound notes. So I'll have a 10,000 pounds in 20 pound notes and I'll pay 3,000 pounds for it. Because you know it's not worth that, but you'll pay for that stock. It's not worth anything, is it? Yeah. But that's what I'm saying. But you'll pay that.

So you have those notes that you can counterfeit and get the money back yourself. Oh, okay. So it says that you may not know the dark web yet, but it's becoming well known every week. The dark web is the underground of the internet, a primary reason bitcoins were invented. Bitcoins, load a wank. That's all I got to say on that, but it is a load. It's a fictional money for bank wankers, basically, to fanny about and play with cash that doesn't exist. Anyway, in the dark web, you have access to guns, drugs, bullets, explosives and fake money.

And for those of us willing to risk it quality counterfeit notes are available a fraction of the real price like you were saying perhaps by 20 for 5 fake 20 bills the punishment is obviously very severe if you're caught using the dark web number nine today most counterfeit coins simulate rare coins what were the cost of materials and production being higher than that of printing paper money there's only one way to make a profit with coins and that's the counterfeit the very rare ones a 1920s liberty half dollar can change hands for forty thousand dollars wow that's the kind of money that would attract criminals from across the globe in comparison spending all that time and effort to mass produce quarters nickels and dimes isn't worth the effort yeah but i mean

it's sort of stretching the definition of counterfeit there i mean is or or counterfeit money because in fact you're counterfeiting an antique. Yeah, it's basically counterfeiting a Mona Lisa or a famous vase isn't it?

It's that kind of thing. And number 10, final fact, even some obvious fakes are accepted. Would you accept a $200 bill with George President

W. Face Bush? I'll say that one again. W. Face Bush? Would you accept a $200 bill with President George W. Bush's picture on it? Well, of course you wouldn't. However, a clerk at the Dairy Queen in Kentucky did do that in 2004

and happily gave the customer $198 in change. The bill was clearly a joke and the denomination was absurd, but it just goes to show that if you're not paying attention, mistakes can be made. They certainly can. Yeah. What a dozy dickhead, mistakes can be made. They certainly can. Yeah. What a dozy dickhead, though. Yeah. To not even think about it.

If anyone gave me a bill that big and it was my job to partake a change and, you know, be a person behind the counter. Tender. Clerk. A clerk, right? Not a clerk. What? Shopkeeper.

Shop assistant. No, I'm a shopkeeper. I own the fucking shop, mate. Oh, you own it. That's even worse. Well, anyway. I own the fucking you own it that's even worse well anyway if he didn't own it he was just some old twat he's losing his mind he probably thought hey judge i love that guy he did so much to make this country great you like my action i don't know what it is i i it always boggles my mind for a man who says he's an actor that you cannot do accents.

Well. Fair enough. Anyway. Anyway. So for someone who calls themselves a radio presenter, you do fuck up your words all the fucking time, don't you? A, yes. B, I'm a radio producer. So I only have to sit there and look at Pat Sharpe and say.

Name an accent. I'll do an accent now. Yorkshire. Oh, yup. What was that? Oh, yup. What's the matter, lad? Irish.

Oh, to say, I see, I see what's here. Don't cut this bit. French. No, I'm keeping this bit in. Oh, hello. I have this great orange madeleine. You stupid bastard. That's not an accent.

What have we got next, Paul? Well, Ash Frith, one of our phone-in contributors, because he can't be asked to be here live because he's too busy being a hoi polloi hobnobby comedy stand-up star. No, that's not hoi polloi. It means riff-raff. No, it doesn't. It means both.

It even means, depending on which angle you look at, it can be the hoi polloi above you in terms of the look of the hoi polloi there. Or if you're hoi polloi yourself, you can look down and go, oh, the hoi polloi.

You can. I did not know that. There you go. Anyway. Anyway, Ash Riff's a prick and he can't be asked to be here because he's too big for us now. So he has to call in.

No, I love you, Ash. Please keep calling in. We asked him to give us a little bit of the usual cheap show... Stuff. Stuff. And just give us a bit... Just do something for the show. Do something good, Ash.

You always do. We love you. So he's left a message on my answer phone, so let's check that answer phone now and see what he's got for us this week. Hello. No one is available to take your call. Please leave a message after the tone.

Hello, Paul. Hello, Eli. Hello, Cheap Show. Ash Frith here. When I think of America, I think of Hollywood. And when I think of Hollywood, I think of a Hollywood blockbuster. The films that we all pay well over the odds to see and don't really enjoy. The bigger the film, the more disappointing I think it is. But now I've spent less time watching Hollywood blockbusters

and I spend more of my time watching what they call mockbusters. Now, I'm pretty sure none of these are made in Hollywood, although I do feel like some of the actors are probably, you know, they work in Hollywood, but mainly as waiting staff in restaurants. A mockbuster, if you don't know, is a sort of remake or a rip-off if you will of a bigger more successful movie so um there's been a big lawsuit in the last couple of years where disney actually sued a huge one of the biggest mockbuster companies companies because they were copying too many Disney films. Some of the titles that they come up with were Ratatouille instead of Ratatouille.

Little Panda Fighter instead of Kung Fu Panda. What's Up instead of Up. I like this one. Chop Kick Panda again for Kung Fu Panda. Tappy Toes instead of Happy Fe panda tappy toes instead of happy feet wings instead of planes and the one that caused the main controversy was frozen land which was obviously a rip-off of pocahontas no it was frozen um so it's not a new thing though um the first ever mockbuster was actually made in 1959 and it was called the monster of pierras blancas and it was a direct ripoff uh from the creature from the black lagoon

although uh the set designer and uh all of the costume designer was actually done by the same guy for both a guy called jack kieran and they sort of exploded i do i love them i really do enjoy them in fact they seem to be filmed in a sort of super hd quality there's been some big ones you've probably heard of there was like shark versus tornado mega shark versus mega octopus they're all massive mockbuster films some of my favorite titles of real ones are uh transmorphers which is about um some big robot um alien life forms that can transform into all different things wherever you have that one a robot cop is a personal favorite of mine but probably the biggest ever uh mockbuster uh came in the 80s and it was called mac and. Now there'll be a lot of people out there who that means something to.

A lot of us saw that film. It was huge. It got a cinema release even. And it was just an almost total rip-off of E.T. Except for Mac and Me was completely and utterly paid for by product placement. It was a huge success. People actually went to see it and it made its money back in product placement. you watch the film or look it up you've i guarantee if you're of a certain age you probably watched this film it is riddled with the most ludicrous advertising um some of the latest films to be made uh one of the names that caught my eye was um aliens versus

avatar which is just two blockbuster films that they've sandwiched together to create their own ridiculous film. I mean, I don't know how much chance the Avatar would have against the Aliens, but, you know, that's a film I'd probably pay to see. I thought I'd come up with some mockbusters of my own. So I thought The Man Who Went Up a Hill

and Came Down a Brokeback Mountain, Bridget Jones and The Temple Of Doom, Coming To American History X, and Weekend At Burn Notice. Now, they say end on your best one, but I think I've probably ended on the weakest one there. But that is what Cheap Show is all about. Getting maybe a good little bit of material,

and then finishing on a weak damp squib. Ash Frith, that's what I do. Ladies and gentlemen, I love you all. Hope to see you soon, Paul and Eli. Let's get together. Let's eat some cheap chocolate and just hold each other. Well, thank you very much, Ash.

That was very, very informative. Wasn't that formative and or funny? Or anarchic. Whatever it is he said, we haven't listened to it yet. It's usually good. It, very informative. Wasn't that formative and or funny? Or anarchic. Whatever it is he said, we haven't listened to it yet. No, but we will. It's usually good. It's very good. It's usually good.

The Easter egg stuff was very good. I like that. Yeah, bless him. Anyway, back to the show. Okay, so now it's time for us to do Cheap Eats. And as you know, listeners, I've just returned from the us of a and i bought some cheap eats out there how exciting so paul yes do you want to start with the sweets or with the savory i don't you know i don't know some people like to have chocolate before they can

they eat their steak uh their trump steak sweet tends to be nastier than savory you haven't seen what happened oh shit uh by his choice i'll let you roll okay i think we'll start with the uh the savory okay let's just do this traditional it's main course starter main course i agree okay so it's crackers oh crackers is good how bad can crackers be i know. Anyway, these are munchies. Yeah. These are jalapeno cheddar sandwich crackers. Oh. They are Dorito branded.

The munchies logo has someone has taken a bite out of the M. Oh, clever. Because when you get the munchies, you bite things. You bite anything. You bite words. You bite people. So, these are jalapeno cheddar artificially flavoured filling on golden toast. Golden toast?

Registered brand crackers. Yeah, it was worth the money fucking registering that brand. They're golden toast. What do you want? I got them in a pharmacy. A pharmacy? Pharmacy crackers. Okay, fair enough.

And these are jalapeno cheese flavoured. I think I'll like these. These are a rich cheese... Doritos is a recognisable brand, so it's not as if we're getting knock-off donkey crap. That's something you notice when you're in the States. A lot of food is branded with others, so you get gherkins that are

Tabasco-branded and all of this sort of stuff. So this is another thing like this. I'm going to hand you one of these cheese sandwiches. Oh, they're like... Ritz. Ritz, yeah. Oh, they do smell very jalapeno-y. There is a distinct jalapeno flavour. You've opened the sandwich there.

It looks like... Revealing its orangey centre. It's got a lovely orangey heart. Yeah, a lovely little orangey paste. I'm going to give it a little bite. I'm going to give it a little bite right now. I really like that. Oh, you like them, do you?

I like this kind of stuff. I mean, they're not high quality, but they're tasty. I think the salt gives it a lot of that flavour. Oh, God, I like that oh you like them do you I like this kind of stuff I mean they're not high quality but they're tasty I think the salt gives it a lot of that flavour oh god I like that yeah I know

oh man this is over let's just eat these for the rest of the show that's some serious snacking I really like them alright I'll put those aside

yeah we know we like them 10 out of 10 yeah 10 out of 10 well maybe if out of it it's crazy 9 out of 10 it Well, maybe if Artemis is crazy, 9 out of 10. It's like a twist on the classic Ritz, isn't it? Mmm. With a nice jalapeno-y kick to it.

Very good. For what it is, very good. I mean, you don't want to look at the ingredients. No, because it's probably like rat's anus. Yeah. 90% rat's anus. Yeah. Beaver gland juice.

Yeah. Right, so that's a good, good start. Yeah, very good start. That's exciting. As long as you don't have another fucking weird sausage from a roadside... Well, I'm getting on to that. Oh, mate. I can't eat that shit.

Again, it was rancid. The second cause. No, I do not have a pickled sausage. Don't worry. Right, it's certainly one you couldn't win an argument with. So. Oh, okay. This is something I wanted to go for because, you know, we've got pepperoni.

Yeah. Pepperami, rather, sorry. Which, for people who don't know in America or anywhere else in the world, it's like a kind of, you know, sausage. Slim Jim. Slim Jim sausage-y kind of thing. But what they have in the States, they package it with cheese, and that's what I've got here. That's crazy talk. This is a Slim Jim pepperoni and cheese.

And cheese, using the and cheese. Are you ready? I am very ready for this. So, let's see the deck. Pepperoni stick made with beef and pork, pasteurised processed American cheese food stick. Cheese food, not a very good sign. No, if you were in a posh restaurant and it just said food stick you'd be like can you maybe yeah will it down to something else cheese food stick so so how are we going to do this we're going to take like half each and then bite them together i'm

presuming you can't have them separately so i'll go get a knife yes go get a knife we're going to need it for one of the other items as well get a knife and see this little plate in there as well all right i'll just uh entertain the listeners with a erotic story so it all began um basically when i met this girl in a uh restaurant funnily enough she was sitting by herself eating uh a lovely meal pasta i believe it was and i was there as well i've been stood up and um she looked over to me and gave me a wry smile i looked back and we both looked at each other realized we're on our, and so we decide to move and join each other's tables and just share each other's company while we ate a meal. And then she brought up something quite

strange about, um... ... made a mess all over her teeth. So she did ask for it, but unfortunately you know, it did get sticky. Right, I'm back. Right, okay. So, pepperoni, do you know what that is? It's a made-up sausage all sausages are made up

they don't they don't grow on trees i know you have to create them yeah but it was it's not a traditional sausage no it was only means pepper yeah in italian it's a fucking bullshit yeah it's just some kind of made-up thing they put on pizzas i like him though i like him i've never had a whole pepperoni i've only ever noticed it in slices on pizza. I've never had to bite one. Yes. This might be my first bite of a pepperoni sausage. And there's cheese with it. Excellent.

Or rather, cheese food stick. Mmm. He's opening his meaty cheese stick. Smells all right. Smells all right. That's good. That's positive. I'm going to take mine out, and I'm going to hand you.

What it is, ladies and gentlemen, is a vacuum-sealed pack. It has a sausage and cheese in the pack. In separate little slots. All the pictures that accompany this show will be on the website, so go to www.thecheapshow.co.uk Okay, and I'm going to hand over a portion of your portion.

There it is. Okay, I've got my portion in my hand. So, I'm going to start with the pepperoni. Alright, I'm going to have a little bite of that as well. That's a cheap sausage. Yeah. I'm going to go for the cheese stick. Oh, my God. Now, correct me if I'm wrong.

Cheese shouldn't crumble in your mouth. Well. I mean, processed cheese. Wobbly, plastic, processed cheese. It's sort of in between, isn't it? It's a weird texture. I'm going to bite them both together and see if the combination of the two. Magic.

Yeah. Because you have to. Yeah, that's a weird texture. I'm going to bite them both together and see if the combination of the two... Magic. Yeah. Because you have to. Yeah, that's not very nice. No, it's not very nice at all. It's what I would call bollocks. I'd call it... No, actually, hang on. It's got pig bollocks, innit? And I think,

unless this came off you, this sausage has a nice pube on the top of it. No, it doesn't. There is a small black hair off it. That must be off me. So, great. I have eaten one of Eli's piabs. Piabs?

What's a piab? A pube. I used to call them piabs when I was in school. It was a northern thing. You've got piabs. Sixteen. Yeah. Of course. I'm going to say they've got piabs. Sixteen. Yeah. Of course. Of course I've got piabs. Why don't you? I'm wanking off in the bath as well.

Not in this school, mate. I started getting piabs when I was nine. Great. So, that was... It was edible. Yeah, but... You haven't finished yours. I can, I will.

Om nom nom nom. You don't have to. Don't do it for me. You don't have to do that for me. Om nom nom nom nom. It's fine. It's edible, but it's not remarkable. Five, four?

Five, six. I'll give it a six. Imagine you had one of those every day for a year. You'd develop cancer, wouldn't you, basically? Oh, there's a bony bit in. There's a gristle in your sleeve. Three. It's gone down.

All right. Oh, it always ruins it when you have some meat and then you get a nice bit of gristle in it. It just ruins it for everyone. It's gone down. All right. Oh, it always ruins it when you have some meat and then you get a nice bit of gristle in it. It just ruins it for everyone. It does now. Are you ready for the coup de gracey? The coup de gracey? Yeah, I'm ready for the coup de gracey.

This is a chicken breast strip and sauce. Oh! Bridgeford, the premium brand. Right. What does that mean? I don't know. In Florida, you go into any kind of shop, it doesn't matter what it would be, they've just got loads of this jerky.

They've got it in pharmacies, clothes shops. Do Americans not care about meat? Cancer treatment centres, you know, just some slim gyms in there. So this is a Bridgeford, the premium brand, chicken breast strip and sauce, made with Sweet Baby Ray's gourmet sauce, award-winning barbecue sauce.

You ready? What award was it? Utterly shit sauce of the year award. Sugary crap that people suck down because they're IQ's so fecking low. Anyway, I'm going to open it. Yeah. And I'm going to cut it in half and try not to get any of my piabs on it. Good.

That would be nice because, you know, one piab I'll take, but I can't take too many piabs. It's got... Oh. what? Does it smell bad? It's a chicken breast strip in sauce in a bloody packet. It looks like something from a Cronenberg movie. It does, yeah. Like a dried up mummy or something. It's a dried

mummy cock. Now, I'm giving you, I'm being good on you here, because the sauce in transit has kind of migrated down to the bottom. Oh, so it's all gone a bit. I'm giving you a not-so-saucy bit here. Oh. I'll give you this on the plate, mate. Here you go.

Yeah, give me. So describe it. Describe it to our listeners. Well, it looks like a thin brown wedge of slop. Yeah, and I'm going to go in for the taste here. Oh, God, that's awful. Oh, my God. Oh, no.

Oh, God, that's really bad. That's simultaneously dry and sickly. That sweetness from the sauce. It's gooey. The chicken has no flavour. If you hadn't told me it was chicken, I would never have fucking guessed. It's sawdust. And that sauce is overpoweringly sweet.

And awful. I think it did win most shit sauce of the world 2010. That is trucker food of the lowest, lowest sort. Oh, right. Well. That is a slimy three. Bumfest. Three. Because I was on the road and I had to eat nothing

but that. I could probably stomach it. But if I was in a classy restaurant. Yes. Well, they're not going to serve that in a classy restaurant. What's wrong with Sir's stripped off chicken? It's a ward winning sauce. It tastes of bollocks. Yes, that is easily the worst item so far.

Yeah. Alright, so... I'm going to give it three as well. Yeah, so Doritos cracker thing, the top best, we like that. That was very tasty. Nice. Cheese and sausage, not too bad, but then I got a pube and a gristly bone in it and that ruined everything. And how about Bridgeford,

the premium brand, my arse, chicken breast strip and sauce. It's not chicken breast, is my arse yeah chicken breast strip and sauce it's not chicken breast is it no chicken breast suggests chicken yeah this is gunge from the

bottom of your abattoir easily the best is the Doritos branded golden crackers lovely all right well I look forward to what

else you've got for next week's episode so to wrap up the show today um people have been saying online that we don't do enough music stuff anymore well we don't we don't um we don't do final vinyl anymore and things like that so we need to get that back into the show we will we will do that we'll aim to put more vinyl just recently we've been doing these um studio shows studio shows and you can see by the sound quality that they're pretty good but it's hard on a practical level to get the vinyl going down yeah and you know and to be honest no one knows we're playing vinyl or just running off youtube so we're running off youtube so we're

breaking the rules we're breaking all the rules vinyl forever cds never vinyl forever cds never vinyl forever oh god mp3 right so here's how we're going to go in because it's a bit american themed show today it certainly is and i found this which i the international sound of america is yeehaw gosh darn it yeah i could gone done a little bit of pussy wrangling. God, Paul, just stop. So anyway, we don't do enough music stuff, so I thought I'd end the show today with something musical, okay? And it comes from an interesting source, Mr. Blobby. I knew he'd come up.

I just knew he would. Yeah. So, Mr. Blobby, if you don't know listening to this. I know this story. I know. I was discussing this with my friend last night. Really? They're trying to break Mr. Blobby in the States, aren't they?

Kind of, yeah. I'll tell you the story. It was in the Metro, which is a London-based free publication that wankers read on the tube to get their right-wing views masked as tabloid. Mr. Blobby is a lovable, haphazard star of the 90s. Basically what happened was there was a TV show in the 90s presented by a fascist called Noel Edmonds, who did a show called The House Party.

It was a wacky Saturday night show where you could win prizes and guests did silly things and there were pranks and stunts. And one of them was called the... Was it a gotcha? Yeah. And the idea was Mr. Blobby came from the gotchas, where it was a stupid guy in a suit,

a big blobby pink suit with bobbly eyes and polka dots. Yes. And it was like a fake TV show that famous celebrities were forced to be on, humiliated them at the end and then they'd say gotcha it was a candid camera and then it got out of fucking control

because Britain unfortunately has no idea between novelty and real art and they smash it together and go oh that's acceptable and so Mr. Blowy became a proper cultural thing like people started buying merchandise Noel Edmonds made a ton of fucking money and they had a single didn't they and they had a single i believe yeah and so the story begins here mr blobby largely forgotten about or embarrassed by in british circles it's a relic of

the 90s redditor soren abai i think is how you pronounce it anyway a redditor stumbled across a youtube video of mr blobby's appearance on the big fat quiz of the 90s and decided to share it with fellow americans and he said it's the funniest thing i ever did see oh my god and uh not everyone agreed on reddit um some of the comments where i feel like i took acid said one another person said simply that was absolutely fucking terrifying someone else asked a very salient question what the fuck is that someone else said he looks like silly putty and sounds like a dalek and other people on youtube said i had to shut it off it was scaring my cats that's the thing with mr blobby that i kind of like he has this kind of menacing undercurrent about him doesn't he it is and if you listen to the record which we're going to, a little bit of.

It's got a menacing kind of, I'm approaching from outside, and Mr Blobby's going to get you. Yeah, because what they did was, they took the fake theme show from this fake TV show that they used in the Gotchas, and then remixed it into a horrible, horrible hit. It was released in the 90s.

93, and who did it keep off the top spot? It was a Christmas number one, wasn't it? Yes. So it might have been up against the usual Christmas hits of that time. No, there was a big hit. We're going to have to take a little break to explore the internet. Here's a clip of the music video. 10 seconds.

7, 6, 5, 4, 3, Ignition. Let's go. Let's go. Take this out. So he literally just says, Oh, blobby. Oh, blobby. That's all he bloody does. And the video was just him in famous music videos at the time, falling over and being a prick. Now, I have this on vinyl.

Yeah. Because it was back, they still sold a lot of vinyl then. What it kept off number one was Take That Babe, which was their big Christmas number one, or attempted to be Christmas number one that year. And unfortunately, this... It's just fart noises and like... And then children singing. What is fucking up with Britain? It's awful. That we accept that shit.

So anyway, Mr. Blobby is now all the rage on Reddit. It's just weird how it just sparks it again. Yeah, it's weird, isn't it? It's because a lot of millennials are growing up and they missed that whole kind of... They did. reddit it's just weird how it just sparks it again yeah it's weird isn't it how just it's because a lot of millennials are growing up they missed that whole kind of did that whole pre-internet age yeah and now they're looking back on it like they're watching japanese game shows like how weird is this no that's just how it is it was just depressing and the thing is what's more scary about it is remember no 11's open for theme park called crinkly bottom based on yes noah's house

party yeah and it was open a year before it like just closed because no one went now it's all kind of overrun so you've got this weird kind of mr blobby style houses that are all overrun with weeds and a bit like uh rune porn sort of like going on there yeah it's it's just dark and it's scary and people break into the park to run around with their cameras urban explorers and it just looks like like any minute now you're going to come across a gang of clown serial killers. Yes. It's not good. Now, that's the A side of the single.

Yeah. What was the B side? The B side is much more sinister. It's like that. Blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub I know it doesn't go like that, but you've got to find it. No, I don't want to. I think we've got to spend too much time. What I want to do is race through at this point some of Britain's best stroke worst novelty singles

that either got to number one or did rank highly. That's got to be one of the worst novelty records. It is one of the worst. Look at this. Compare that to the 60s. You had a novelty record in the 60s? Yeah. Right Said Fred by Bernard Crippins. Right Said Fred. worst novelty record it is one of the worst look at this compare that to the 60s you had a novelty record of the 60s yeah Right Said Fred

by Bernard Crippins Right Said Fred both of us together one each and we're steady as we go and inspired it's brilliant inspired the band

Right Said Fred as a result I mean that's not so great that's its crime you know another cup of tea and then it's a great song

it's great in fact it was not uncommon in that period 50s 60s 70s of comedians releasing popular singles. Like, you remember Arthur Mollard singing You're the One That I Want? I do remember that.

Arthur Mollard in the UK was a British comedian who had this kind of, Hello, I'm slow, and I'm a bit stupid. But that was his kind of character. Yeah, it was his character. And so, like, this guy, desperately trying to sing the song from Greed. You're the one that I want.

You're the one. Yeah. Ooh-hoo. Awful. Here's one that I think straddles the line, because in the 80s, when novelty hits were all the thing, you know, lots of people were bringing them out

and they were getting quite high, Spitting Image, which is a satire-based puppet show, thought, this goes, this is a fucking joke. And so they released a song. The Chicken Song. The Chicken Song.

But it was released as a kind of, this is the worst novelty song we could possibly think of making. And it also taking the mickey out of novelty songs, sort of. Yes, it was a bad song, but it knew it was a bad song. Went out of its way to be a bad song. Was shown in the TV show and then released. And then it got to number one in 1986 it was literally everyone was singing it and i'm gonna play a clip now and i guarantee the people who listen to this podcast will be singing it for quite some time here's a little clip of the

chicken song by spitting image written by the guys who wrote red dwarf rob grant and doug naylor it's the time of year now that spring is in the air, when those two wet gits with their girly curly hair make another song for moronic holidays that nauseate, ate, ate in a million different ways. From the shores of Spain to the coast of southern France, no matter where you hide, you just can't escape this dance Hold a chicken in the air Stick a deck chair up your nose Buy a jumbo jet And then bury all your clothes Paint your left knee green

Then extract your wisdom teeth Form a string quartet And pretend your name is King Skinny Self alive Self-alive It was I remember going on So many coach trips In school Everyone's singing it

Everyone's singing that On the bus The 80s The 80s were For various reasons Bad Yeah Fashion

Most music A lot of TV shows It was terrible But yeah um three weeks number one yeah it was really crazy isn't it um and all the cast from there so harry enfield sang on it chris barry i prefer to listen to this than to the mr blobby i mean mr blobby is just a a piece of formed out studio produced No one gives a fuck Slap it all together Get some kids to sing

Like you know It's a crime This at least Literally has a tongue in its cheek Yeah So anyway That's the chicken song That's kind of

That straddles that line Between acceptable And not acceptable Because you will sing that song In your head For the rest of the day It's a massive earworm What else did we have?

I'm not going to count any of the, for instance, I'm not going to count songs that were released for Comic Relief. You know, like the songs that were silly songs. Yes, but they were novelty. They started off as novelty songs, but nowadays it's just a song. Yeah, it's just a cover version.

What would happen is, Comic Relief would say, let's put this classic song sung by, for instance, The Young Ones, sang with Cliff Richard, Living Doll, huge hit, raised money for charity, silly, funny. But you're right, now it's just like, oh, let's just get One sang with Cliff Richard, living doll. Huge hit, raised money for charity. Silly, funny. But you're right, now it's just like, oh, let's look at One Direction to do a ballad.

And then let's just get Dapper Laughs to appear on the video, wanking. And that's it. It's fucking anger. It's anger, fucking anger. Yeah, it's just pure anger. Is there anger in you, Paul? Are you on your hobby horse on this one? Well, look.

Get on your horse, let's hear it. What are you angry about? But you can track the trajectory of bad comic relief songs. So you've got like, you know, Living Doll

and then you've got like Help, Bananini Nunu and Bananarama and then you've got like Stick It Out by Right Said Fred and a big cast of comedians

singing along with that. You had Rory Brenner and Hugh Laurie and Clive James and loads of people singing along. Peter Cook's in that video as well.

You've got The Stonk by Halen Pace. That was a great fucking comic relief song. And then at some point in the 90s, they released Naina Cherry, Cher, and the girl from, the woman from The Proclaimers. What was her name? The woman from The Proclaimers?

Not Proclaimers. The Proclaimers were two ginger male twins. The one who sang Brass in Pocket. The Pretenders. Chrissie Hyde. Chrissie Hyde. They all got together and released Love Can Build a Bridge, which is the most depressing song Comic Relief has ever released.

It was not funny. Nothing funny about it. But that was the crest of the wave that broke. And then after that, it became semi-serious songs or ballads with a slight bit of comedy in it somewhere. Just some comedy. Just some guy going, eh. The last one I can think of that was anywhere near quality

was when Spirit in the Sky was released with the Kumar's, number 10 at Kumar, guys. And that was, again, like the living dog. They was released with the Kumar's, number 10 at Kumar guys. And that was, again, like the living dog. They sang along with the silly song, silly video. But then after that, no, it's McFly. And then it's Girls Aloud. And then it's One Direction. And then fuck those fucking those fuckers.

And soon it's going to be Justin Bieber, isn't it? It wouldn't surprise me. Justin Bieber. But I want to take a segue now into TV themes that became novelty hits. Okay. And I'll let you take a guess at what one you think I've picked as a popular TV theme that became a song.

Popular theme... 80s, I'll give you that as well. I'll give you another clue. Can I sing the theme tune? Oh, Minder. Yeah! Yes. So here's one of the instances

where, okay, it's an obvious cash-in from the TV theme. Minder was a TV show about a dodgy car dealership guy, Cockney Wheel... No, it was the song. It was the theme tune. It was the theme. But it was based was a TV show about a dodgy car dealership guy cockney wheel. No, it was the song. It was the theme tune.

It was the theme. But it was based on a TV show about this guy who needed a minder. The best show which ever existed. It's pretty good until Shane Ritchie

took over the role in the 90s. That's not Minder. We're moving on. But they released a song based on the TV show because it was from the TV theme and I fucking love this song.

I'm going to play a little bit for you now. This is Dennis Waterman who starred and sang the theme and starred in the theme. Sorry, that was my little Britain thing. I Could Be So Good For You released in 1983. Got to number three would you believe. Here we go. If you want to, I'll change the situation

Right people, right time, just the wrong location I've got a good idea Just you keep me near I'll be so good for you I could be so good for you I'm gonna help you Love you like you want me to I'll do anything for you I'll be so good for you It's good. It's a great song.

The Bluestone, the Bluetones did a version of it in the 90s at a B-side. Really good. And they're still asked about that all the time when they tour and things like that. It's a good song.

And did you know the guy who played bass on that? Yeah. He did the little in-between incidental music For the Seinfeld show Really? No

Oh I just said that Because it sounds I got really excited thinking Oh it's a great fact It sounds It sounds the same doesn't it Yeah

The video's great It's Peter Waterman Dennis Waterman sorry Walking around a London market stall Singing the song That people were just Trying to get out of the way Of the camera

It's like No no no no no It's like if you Kip Could just slightly take out Some of the black people In the video be a perfect advert for them i love that song but to end on i'm going to go from the sublime to the ridiculous i'm flipping it right because as i say it was earlier on i said uh comedians release songs that were usually hits you know that were you know like sid james did and you know the goons did had a several benny hill famously ernie which got to number one as well. He made a video

for that simply because he was embarrassed to go onto Top of the Pops and sing it live. Well live inverted comment. So he made a pop video. One of the first you could argue. Just so he could save himself the embarrassment of being on TV singing that weird song about a Randy Miltman who gets killed by a bottle of Gold Top.

It's a good song. So what we're going to do is we're going to go over to The Ridiculous. Because, you know, remember that sitcom, Are You Being Served? Who could forget Are You Being Served? Big hit in America, because they love that shit from us. They love Benny Hill,

and they love Alo Alo, and all that crap. What is wrong with you, America? John Inman was in that. His character was basically a man who, at no point in the show, was I'm gay. But he was such a gay stereotype character.

Ooh, limp wrists and innuendos. He was a limp-wristed queen. And everyone made fun of the fact and he was oblivious to the fact and there was lots of jokes about Miss Slocum's pussy. It was either wet or damp or eager. It was that kind of sitcom. Set in a department store. Whatever.

John Inman released a song called Are You Being Served, Sir? It's called are you being served sir it's awful have you ever heard it i know no you're gonna hear this now oh good oh that's what i wanted to say go on minder yeah the b-side yeah i've got it on the seven inch yeah and the b-side is literally called oh it doesn't matter something like that brackets my career yeah well it's just like oh the beast is the b-side no one cares yeah it is called it doesn't matter is it a ball yeah well it's just like oh the beast is the beast side no one cares yeah it is called it doesn't matter

is it a ballad yeah it's awful oh what a load of shit so we're going to play are you being served sir now this is one of those horrible songs that is built on you

innuendo and filling in the gaps in your naughty brain he doesn't make the rude joke you make the rude joke because you're a dirty depraved bastard you're going to love this

already your face is gurning at this Dirty, depraved bastard. You're going to love this. Already your face is girding at this. Oh. Grace Brothers, men's department. Mr Humphreys, are you free? I'm free. Forward, please. Mind the door. What?

Are you being soft, sir? I'm Humphreys and I'm free. Are you being soft, sir? What would you like to see? If you'd like some swimming trunks, we've got them pale, spotty. We've also got some see-through that really tan your... Beach wear. Oh, these are gay.

There's plenty around the back. And if you'd like a bit of flash then try a plastic bag isn't it awful that's awful isn't it awful i'll tell you what i'll play the b-side very very quickly because it might be worse and also it completely plays the idea of him being a gay character you know to that point where it's basically offensive here he goes i'm free some say i am and some say i'm not and some can't believe it would be whatever the answer one thing sure there's no doubt I agree I think you've heard enough of that

to be honest at this point some say I am some say I'm not I'm a botty boy that wasn't a B-side I apologise it came out

a couple of years earlier and it was released as a single in 1977 so they had more than one single for the show it was huge wasn't it

Are You Being Served So? was huge. And it had a movie. What do you think the plot of the movie? Now, bear in mind it's a British sitcom. Do they all go on holiday?

They go on holiday, yeah. So that's it. And that's the show. That's Cheap Show this month. That was alright? Yeah, thanks. Good. So we're back

in a couple of weeks' time. If you want to see all the pictures and videos we've talked about in this show, they are going to be featured on our website go to www.thecheapshow.co.uk

we update the site and give you extra this and that it's full of goodies for you yeah apparently it's great yeah apparently

you should fucking check it out alright I'll check it out and maybe contribute more like use your twitter what twitter address Eli Snoid yes and I am

Paul Gannon Show and the cheap show is at the cheap show pod you can follow us there subscribe to us on SoundCloud, Stitcher, iTunes, whatever podcast. Can I just put a caveat in there? Go on. A caveat. Yeah.

Not if you're a weirdo. Right. Do you want to try the sum up again, Paul? Shall I do it? Yeah, you do it then. Cheap Show, we're online. Just type it into Google, it's great. You'll find us.

Cheap Show, one word. And that's been our show I've been Paul Gannon and I'm Eli Silverman and remember I'm free it's affected me it's affected me

yeah I'm free perhaps that will make the pod more popular what if I pretend to be gay who wants to touch my mound right we're moving on that was cheap show see you next time.