CheapShow - Ep 190: The Urinevision Song Contest 2020

Episode Date: August 7, 2020

It's been 6 months in the making, features our biggest cast of characters, has the most special guest appearances and is packed with 13 great songs created by the CheapShow audience... But only one those songs can win "The Urinevision Song Contest 2020"! Who will win? How many of the judges will get the scoring right? Which song is the most demented and what exactly IS going on in the green room? To find out, listen to this week's episode of the world's best/most distressing economy comedy podcast! With thanks to contributors: Sauce Life – Morgan Keating (01:16) Shaking My Ass - Dancing Faders aka Alex Wells (03:57) Copy Paste, Love Hate – LJ Goody (02:44) Ptwing – Chris Weatherill (01:20) Peak Meatus – Brody Mossman (01:02) Waltz of the Coloured Blocks – Seth Seabolt (01:36) The Cheese Moments Debacle – Conor Howard (01:12) Robot Mind – Dylan Brinkley (00:50) The Dance of the Flatulent Beast – Elodie Cunningham (00:54) The Feeling When Noodles Hit Late At Night – Pumpkin Head (01:02) That Magic Touch – Chris Easton (01:38) Fruit Salad – Paul Byrne (01:16) The Jerk – Travis Tee (01:02) ​And with thanks to our special guest judges: Nick Helm, Mr Biffo, Stuart Ashen, Larry Bundy Jr, Sooz Kempner, Brian Wecht, Octavious King, Jenny Zigrino, Richard Sandling, Damien St John, Ben Baker, Ethan Lawrence & Rhianan MacDonald! @dontletschart @benbakerbooks @TheNickHelm @MrBiffo @Ashens @AshFrith @EthanDLawrence @squat_betty @SoozUK @Octav1usKing @skyegirl1998 @larrybundyjr @bwecht @jennyzigrinon @damienstjohn And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-190-urinevision-2020 If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Podbible Interview: https://podbiblemag.com/2020/06/12/a-special-cheapshow-celebration/ MERCH www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Paul is writing a book! Want to help make it happen? https://unbound.com/books/ghosts/

Live from the House of Pickles, it is Your Envision 2020. Hello everybody, Team Yeti here. You know what, I love Your Envision, I'm so excited, I've shat all over me. Ruff, ruff, ruff. Well, I hope everyone does very well. And women shouldn't be allowed to take part. Unless they give me a blow-in. Oh, I'm so excited to be here. And I hope to plop all over the stage later.

Good luck. I'll be squishing them in. Squish, squish, squish. Howdy ho. I am Jimmy Biscuits, and I can't wait for this year in Vision 2020 to get started. Let's light the lights. Let's start the songs. Let's start the songs. Let's bring on the dancing girls.

Hello there. It's Freddy Goon. And if there's one thing I've got to say to all the people taking part, good luck. And I'm getting extremely turned on in all the areas. Upstairs, downstairs, there's hotness everywhere on my whole butt! Wow! Good luck everyone! I'm Uncle Grumbly wishing all the contestants a lovely, murky, boggy, dirty, soppy, grumbly time. I'll grumble in your gum.

Oh, hello. Welcome down to Meaty Margaret's Farm. And I can't wait to get involved in festivities tonight. And especially, I can't wait to chop off the legs of the losers. They're going in a pie. Ha ha! May all your dreams come true from me, Pondstopper, tonight. Oh, lucky I've got somewhere to stay tonight, sir, mister, because it's so cold. You know what's not cold? The inside of the auditorium of the House of Pickles.

It's like a dream. Oh, do you want a match? Oh, my arse ain't been wiped for ages. Hello, everybody. It's Eli Silverman here. Welcome to the House of Pickles for this year's Urinevision Song Contest. Paul! Hey, I'm Paul Gannon, the other host of tonight's amazing event. I did have something to say but Eli stole my line. So let's crack this party open with last year's winner, Wyatt Ashfrith with his song, his storming dance hit, I Like Dancing!

Yeah! I love dancing all night, dancing while I sing a song. Dance, dance, dance, dance, dancing in my pants. I'm gonna dance. Dancing in my pants. I'm gonna dance, dance, I'm gonna dance. Dancing in my pants. I'm gonna dance. I love dancing all night, dancing while I sing a song. Dance, dance, dance, dance, dancing while I sing a song. Thank you. Dance, dance, dance, dance, dancing in my own dance Dance I like dancing in your city, dancing in your own dance

Dance, dance, dance, dance, dancing in your own dance I like dancing all around, dancing while I feel the sound Dance, dance, dance, dance, dancing in your own dance Dance I like dancing in your city, dancing in your own dance ច្រូវាប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បាន� Dance, dance, dance, dance, dance in front of the dance. I like dancing all around, dancing while I sing a song. Dance, dance, dance, dance, dance in front of the dance. I like dancing in the sun, dancing while I dance.

Dance, dance, dance, dance. Dance with me, I'm dancing. I like dancing all night. Dance with me, I'm dancing. Dance, dance,! Not one of your best. I feel like dancing. But Ash Frith won last year's competition. He did. He certainly did. Welcome to your Envision 2020. I'm Paul. I'm Eli. Hello Eli. Hello. Hello mate. It's so good Paul to be here after an amazing year and hopefully we can put the unfortunate events of last year's competition right behind us. I mean, I'm almost healed. My rectal tearing is almost completely sealed. Well, as people may know, let's not hide it from our fans. Eurovision 2019 was cancelled,

and, well, it was recorded and then banned, yet because of certain things that we're not going to go into here that did involve tearing Eli's arsehole open. And I'm all better now and I've just got slightly less colon. Just a bit. Just a snip. But he's dancing free tonight because we've got such a great show.

And just to be sure, Ash isn't allowed anywhere near the House of Pickles. Ash won by default last year. It wasn't an official win. That was the other controversy. The voting system, oof, it wasn't popular. It was hijacked. The voting system was. We found out Ash had paid a lot of money to a lot of his fans to vote for him.

So we decided to take the voting system away from the audience this year and give it to some professional judges. Professional him. Yes. So we decided to take the voting system away from the audience this year and give it to some professional judges. Professional judges. Yes. Not the half-witted, slightly crazed, socially unavailable fans

that follow Ash to the end. Him and his stink is not allowed on this show again. No. Ever. We had to, by contract, we had to play that bloody awful song from last year.

It was in the contract. I feel like the opposite of dancing poor. I feel like lying down, dying, and occasionally scratching my terrible rectal scars because they itch. They itch, Ash. My rectal scars itch, man. You shouldn't have been involved in his final act. I shouldn't have been involved

at all. But my rectum. We know that your rectum has sustained some damage. It's had a... Oh, I've had it hard. And we had to kill seven horses after the show. Yeah. Seven horses. After we drained him of spunk.

Anyway. Anyway. That footage is now thankfully lost. But, Paul, just in case you were wondering, I got it in the cooler. What? The horse spunk. Anyway, that footage is now thankfully lost. But Paul, just in case you were wondering, I got it in the cooler. What? Horse spunk. What was I drinking then? Milk. Oh, not milk. Well, listen, I've got it. If we want to do any

gunking, I've got plenty. I've got, as you say, it's the spunk of seven horses, but it can stand in for the spunk of a thousand horses. Well, anyway, on your Envision 2020, we've got something special for you. What have we got, Paul? We've got

entrance. Look at me dancing. I'm so excited. I've got the jiggle in my wiggle. Yeah. Now, we have got not only some amazing music on the way today. Amazing music. Amazing. We've also got coming up not too far from now, we've got a very special opening ceremony performance.

We'll go into that in a bit. Okay. But let's just set the rules out. Let's get down to the nitty gritty here. Okay, what are the rules, Paul? What's the new voting system on this year's all-new Your Envision song contest? Well, well, let me tell you.

Tell me. Explain it to me. We have invited you, the cheap show listener, to get in touch with the show and send us a track. Now, we specifically asked for a track between a minute and two minutes tops. Some naughty people went over, so they were disqualified. And some I've let slip in,

but I told the judges to only listen to the first minute or two of it. Paul, I've heard that about you. You let people slip in, but I told the judges to only listen to the first minute or two of it. Paul, I've heard that about you. You let people slip in. Well, it's just sleep. Is that the level of your ass damage gags tonight? Is that it? I definitely would slip in. Right, yeah? Do you want to make any more deeply inappropriate messages? Spank on your eyelids.

Mike, wait! No, I'm alright. I'm alright, man. You're not alright. You're obviously not alright Listen, you set them up like that Slip in, I've just got to do it No, you can let it go I could let go of your knob Then I'll slip in

Give you a reach around Do you want to go off stage for a minute while I do this? Yeah, I do, I need a minute Yeah, you go off Right, so here's the rules for the show We invited you, the listener a minute while i do i need a minute yeah you go off right so here's the rules for the show we invited you the listener and eventually whittled them down to 13 lucky tracks so we are going to be playing those 13 tracks each one introduced by one of your favorite cheap show stars of the show

oh i can't wait for that each one representing each one of the tracks here tonight okay they've come from all over the world these tracks tracks, seriously, all over the world. And we want to thank you, the listener, and the creator of these songs for your participation. Thank you so much.

Your Envision would not exist this year. No, it wouldn't. Otherwise, it'd be Ash all over again. Yes. Doing his I've Got a Body

or something. Yeah, his horse show. His horse talk. His horse spunk show. He's definitely, he wrote himself slash fic of us. Which I will not be hoodwinked

into being the bum of. All right, well, you were. You were. You were set up proper. Have you ever had seven horse cocks in a row? Let me just say, for someone who complains

about it a lot, you went off smiling that night. I've never seen you look so happy. I saw all your teeth. That's right, Paul, because I love just taking horse cocks in front of a crowd. Honestly, at the back of your throat sometimes I can see the tip of a horse. Oh, Jesus.

Won't open too wide then. Shall we go over to the Anyway No not yet So anyway We got the people You To send in those tracks

We have those 13 tracks Thank you But we also have 13 Top quality Celebrity judges We scoured the internet And the live comedy scene To bring you

Guests Judges From all over the world, close friends and associates of Cheap Show and shall I tell the people who are coming up? We've got a judging the show today, Paul. Let me just very briefly open up my notes

because it's on a separate folder. I can remember who it is. Fuck off. You can't remember shit. Fuck off. I don't know, it's been five years and I don't know the website address because I'm a fucking troglodyte. Suze Kemper. No, shut up.

I'm going to do this properly. I'm not going to have you guess it like it's a kids' TV show. John Richardson. Shut up. Ladies and gentlemen. One of them's called John. In no particular order,

your songs will be judged tonight by Mr. Biffo from Digitizer. Also, Mr. Stuart As ashens king of tat himself larry bundy jr uh youtube video game retro man sensation we also have another partner in crime from the old digitizer dave days digitizer dave is a different thing altogether and I do not create that character it's time like this I would eat and I'm a digitizer Dave

ooh ooh Atari right put that write that down it's a good character fuck off

I'm not writing down shit we have Octavius King it's now the name Octavius anyways joining us to judge on the show today can I do a noob?

yeah Tavius, anyways, joining us to judge on the show today. Can I do a no? Yeah. We have good friend of the podcast, Ben Baker, author and laughter merchant extreme. We have comedian and actor, Ethan Lawrence, who's judging us on your shong, shong, shong, shong, shong, thong, thong, thongs tonight. Don't know what that is, but stop it.

We also have, oh, God, Ash Frith is judging. How did he get back on it? I don't know, mate. He's not allowed anywhere near. I ran out of spots and he went, oh, what are you doing? You're doing a Eurovision. Can I be in it? Talking about it's making my rectum scar. It's heating up. It's heating up. It's glowing red about it's making my rectum scarring. It's heating up.

It's heating up. It's glowing red. I'm already bored of that running guy. It's glowing red. The rectum scar. It's not running red. It's like a beacon. It's not. It's like a beacon in my pants. Rectum beacon. Your arse is like a shit 80s soft music band. It's simply red.

Can we... Excuse me. Stop that. I'm pun stopper and I will not have that kind of poor punnery on the it's simply red can we excuse me stop that I'm pun stopper and I will not have that kind of poor punnery on the show thank you pun stopper

yeah thank you I tell you what his arse was deacon black and blue deacon blue anyway we also have

Damien St John old friend of the show we have comedian, actor, internet celebrity. It is Richard Sandling is going to be judging as well. We also have Queen of the Cheapskates herself. Rhiannon has sent her votes

in. We'll be reading them out on her behalf. Okay. Thank you, Rhiannon. We also have a comedian and actress and friend of the show, Jenny Zagrino from LA. Who else have we got? Bloody hell, the judges keep coming. Suze Kepner, comedian, singer, and all-round talented person.

We also have comedian, actor, and bon vivant Nickm is going to be judging. And finally... And finally... Stop it. Stop doing all of that. And finally, our final judge is from Ninja Sex Party, it's Brian Wecht. Oh, that is a stellar, stellar lineup of guest judges judging your music.

Yeah. Oh, so it's time to put on the music. It's time to light the light. It's time to get this started for your Envision 2020 tonight. Now, Eli, tell us about the opening ceremony. What have we got? It's a very special thing. I don't know.

They've been preparing it behind closed doors, Paul. But they've promised action, music, and a lot of hobnail boots, pushing fresh ficus into the specially made grid that we have on the stage. It's like a kind of slurry grid. It's a slurry grid and there's hoses. Yeah. So get ready because Paul tonight to open Urine Vision 2020 live pooping from Madam

Lady Plops. It's Madam Lady Plops Squishy Jim with what they've called a plop on the wild side. Woo! Yes! Yes!

Yes! Lady Plops is best. Oh yes! Yes! And it's time to make a mess Squishing what she does in I Am squishy Jim and whatever she does I'll squish you in lady plop lady plop droppily lady plop

flippity-flop Lady plops what's out hear the sound of pooing? I've got some squishing that I need to be doing. Lady blops, ploppity ploppity plop. That's definitely the sound of pooing I've got squishing needs to be doing. Hoo ha, hoo hoo ha, diddly diddly hooty ha. Let's go squishy, let's go squishy, squish it in and squish it in. It ain't a sin if you squish it in.

Ooh, ah, cantina! I said ooh, ah, cantina! Ooh, I hear the sound of diarrhea! I'm gonna squish all over the theatre! Ooh, ah, here we go! I've got one for you, don't you know? I'm a lady of dignity in class! I've got mess coming out of my ass!

And now it's time to put my finale! My ass is gonna go absolute finale! No job's too big for Jim. A piece of man will squish it in. And that's, and that's, and that's the way we like it. I need new boots. One, two, three, four lady plops are shat on the floor. Squish, squish, squish, squish, squish, squish.

Whoa. Wow. I've never seen anything like that I thought I'd seen it all Paul Well done Lady Plops And Squishy Jim for that amazing And emotionally charged opening ceremony I've got a little tear in my eye

And I'm wiping it away Oh okay I thought you were going to say meat eaters Okay so Well that's always losing No it's not It is. I'm constant. Go to the doctor.

Dribble. Go to the doctor if your penis is like a sad cat's eye. Well, the doctor says, you've got the dribbles. You've got the dribbles, Eli. Anyway, moving on. Well, it's time. We do need to keep this going for a bit because they haven't quite finished just hosing down. The grid system is working and the sluices are all pouring the excess all down,

and they're going out the hole. Yeah, they're all down. We've got a great staff here today, cleaning off the shit off the stage. We're just filling for time a little bit, ladies and gentlemen, while they do that. Okay, I think I've got the go-ahead, Paul. Yeah, they're just...

And we're ready for our first entrance. Wait, no, they're just spraying the... No, they're just spraying it down with Dettol. Now we're good to go. We're good, okay. Okay, well, they're just spraying the no, they're just spraying it down with Dettol. Now we're good to go. We're good. Okay. Okay, well then, it is up. Let's get this competition started. Let's get it wiggity-wiggity going. Woo! Yeah, woo!

So, ooh, madam. Ooh, I can't believe it. You're in 2020. Best thing. You're in vision. This is our defining, defining cultural pop cultural moment. Paul, I'm ready and itching, and my rectal scar is glowing in anticipation for the first contestant and their song tonight on your InVision. What is it going to be, Paul?

Well, we had 13 very good tracks laid up in front of us today, and we're going to go through them one by one. Each one's going to be introduced by one of our famous Cheap Show characters, friends of the show. Can't wait to see them. But me and Eli, we're going to introduce introduced by one of our famous cheap show characters okay friends of the show can't wait to see them but we we me and eli we're going to introduce the first track now they're random we haven't put them in any order it's just as they come we have put them in an order we're playing at once it's like time time has an order otherwise everything would happen at once i didn't

put them in an order but not a particular not a particular order. There is an order, though. Randomly chosen. They are concurrent. There is an order of acts. Yes. So who's first? Well, ladies and gentlemen, we are very proud to introduce

this first act today. Simply called Morgan Keating. That's the artist. And the track is called Source Life. Take it away So, you can So, you can Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Make love to you in your sleep, little girl

People want to know about my soul slide Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh I'll make love to you in your sleep little girl People want sauces Sauce, sauce, sauce, sauce, sauce, sauce, sauce, sauce, sauce, sauce, sauce, sauce, sauce I'm blown away. It's hard for me to imagine a better track coming, but it's a strong opener. It's very strong.

Woo, wow. It's a strong opening like my source-trained meters. Right, well, I do want to bring to attention the line about I'm going to make love to you in your sleep, little girl. What was the inspiration, do you think? Jimi Hendrix, Who Do Child. Obviously, you don't know that. All right, well, moving on.

No, it's very disturbing when Jimi Hendrix says it. Yeah, it's very disturbing when you say it as well. In fact, more disturbing when you say it. Well, it's a voodoo thing. Yeah. Doesn't matter. As if you've got a voodoo curse on someone, you've got to make... I'm not going to say anything.

Well, this was moving on. Anyway, that was a storming... Well done, Morgan, for that fantastic track. Morgan Keating with... What was it called? It was called... Funky Sauce? Sauce Life.

Sauce Life. Sauce Life, our first track. Wonderful stuff. Brilliant. Excellent. Well, lovely squelchy bass line on that one. I like that. Yeah, very good.

It's make love music, isn't it? It certainly is. It's make love to you in your sleep music. It was so similar to the music that you were forcibly made love to by a horse last year. Remember that? Yes, I remember. Don't. It's glowing.

The rectum scar is glowing. Join us at this quick little break, and we'll see you for the next track. On the buses, one of ITV's top comedy shows is in its third series, and now TV Times brings you an exciting 56-page souvenir extra packed with colour features. Meet the stars on the set and behind the scenes.

Visit them at home and in their holiday haunts. See how the series began. Join Reg Varnie and all the stars of the show in On The Bus's Souvenir Extra from TV Times at your newsagent now. Well, we're one track down and 12 to go, so let's not bish about the bush too much today we've got lots to do so let's not ramble any further let's get our first celebrity cheap show

friend of the family guest star celebrity on the show to introduce that next track now obviously he's been out the limelight for a little while now but he's coming back onto the scene in a big way this year can't say too much right now about it it's all a bit toppy secret so let's just get him on it is everyone's favorite rapper it is t yes teen yeti himself come on oh yeah hello yeah hello everybody yeah teen yet get your where hello drippy on the floor all right it's great to have you on your envision it's so great to be here it's nice to be here, Paul I just want to say Ooh, like at first and true, very good Well, Eli, what I want to say at this point

I'm not Eli Teen Yeti, what I mean to say is You've been out of the limelight the last few years Because of what happened on the train The cheap pizza express Yes But you're coming back in a big way Can you give us any little secrets?

Well, I've got a whole new album coming out, Paul. It's my comeback album. And it addresses the incident on the train. It addresses that terrible thing that happened to underage Sasquatch. We were working, some of him on it, posthumously. And, you know, I've been really knuckling down and trying to sort of spread out. So there's like some Vaporwave style rap. Oh, that's exciting.

It's very progressive. And there's, you know, some Dirty Grime and Trap. Oh, good. I don't know what any of that is, but it sounds thrilling. So why don't you introduce the song that you've chosen to represent today? So can you introduce the next track? The next track, Paul, I'd love to. Thank you, yes. It's called Shaking Your Ass. And you know what? If I

shake my ass, all the wagon nuts will get stains on the wall because I've got a long train of them. Right, well, this track was 3 minutes 57. We asked specifically for 90 seconds or so. Am I going to introduce this or what? I'm just saying, we've asked, I've let this slip through.

With respect. I've let this slip through? Could you fuck off the stage? Alright, thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, with no further ado, it's Shaking Your Ass. Shaking my ass. Alright, fuck sake, man. I'm a dirty, I'm a professional. Come on, big of a big intro. Just stop interrupting me. Come on.

Shaking my ass, man. I'm a dirty, I'm a professional. Come on. Shaking my ass, man. I'm a dirty, I'm a professional. Come on. Shaking my ass, man. I'm a dirty, I'm a professional.

Come on. I'm a dirty, I'm a professional. Come on. I'm a dirty, I'm a professional. I'm a. Fuck's sake, man. I'm a yeti. Come on. Big of a big intro. Just stop interrupting me. Come on. Shaking my ass by Dancing Faders, a.k.a. Alex Wells.

Woo! I really want to go disco. I really never want to go home. I am always late for class because I'm shaking my ass. I really never want to go home I am always late for class Because I'm shaking my ass I really want to go disco I really never want to go home

I am always late for class Because I'm shaking my ass Yes. Teacher says I should do my work But I never listen to her It's cause I love shaking ass I just never go to class That's a mental night long Come with me and get your groove on I just never go to class That's a mental night long I'll wait here and get your crowbombs

And they take it as you told me Sweat dripping naked bodies My teacher is called Lula But my ass is ruler Them always make me cry Because I want to Shake my ass Whoa, Dance 4 Classic. Oh, that's amazing.

Listen, I would be shaking my arse if it wasn't so irreparably damaged from last year's show, Paul. Yes, yes, yes. No, what's this? Yes, yes, yes. Storming the stage. Storming the stage.

No, you need to leave. Why didn't we get invited to do this Eurovision? We are Eurovision. No, you please get off. Yes, yes, yes. Storming the stage. Storming the stage. You need to leave. We get invited to do this Eurovision. We are Eurovision. Yes, yes. Please get off. Please. Yes, yes, yes. Change your mind.

Yes, yes, yes. Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Get off the stage. Come on. Yes, yes, yes. Put your cock away. Don't take my DJs forever.

Put your cock away. Right, security. Oh. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, Everybody sit down. Let that be a lesson to you. Look what Freddie Goon's doing to the Dutch DJs now. Whoa. Right. Oh, I wouldn't. Whoa. Well, anyway, let's move this. No, don't look at that, actually.

Let's move this party on. Paul, I can't stop looking at it. Stop looking at them. All right. Let's get this party started with our next track. Coming up after this. Whoa. Ooh.

The party keeps going on here. You're Envision 2020. And we've got a very special guest coming up to introduce the next song now. I can't believe we've got him. He's a little tinker from the streets of ye olde London. He's fresh from the floor

to give you more. It is our little Urchin Boy. Hello. Hello, Governor. Hello. You need anything? Welcome to the show. Oh, yeah, thank you.

It's very cold out there on the streets. It is. It must be out there on the streets. It is. It must be very cold on the streets of Victorian London. Very cold. I've only got a few matches, mister,

which I have to try and sell. And sometimes I light them. I light them and I look at the glow and I think, ooh, in that glow there's a little happy family that I'm not part of.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, maybe you'll buy a match from him tonight, won't you? Please. Ooh. Come on, yeah. Oh, thank you, buy a match from him tonight, won't you? Please. Oh, come on. Yeah. Oh, thank you, Mr.

I need somewhere to live as well. So you are going to introduce, we've given you bed and breakfast for the night for introducing this segment. Oh, it's been lovely. It's been lush. Oh, I'm not used to sleeping in a real soft bed. Well, here is your chance to introduce the next act. Go for it, little urchin boy.

All right. Okay, Mr. Thank you. What now? I talk now, do I? Yeah, you do it now. I do it now. Do. All right. Okay, mister. Thank you. What now? I talk now, do I? Yeah, you do it now. I do it now. Do I do it now?

Do it. Do I do it now? You go on the street. You're right. So next on Urine Vision 2020 is copy, paste, love, hate, or paste. I eat paste. I only eat paste on the streets. By LJ Goody.

Take it away! Woo! Oh, I need to sit down. Copy. Paste. Love. Hate. Format.

Your mind mind Lost for All time Copy Paste Love Hate Erase Undo

Forget The Hate. Amaze. Undo. Forget. About. You. guitar solo Unplug my heart So my feelings can restart Leave like you always do Before you

Say I love you Whoa, wow. Moving, very craft-working. It's got some wicked licks. It's some real 80s driving at night style electric guitar there, Paul. I don't know if you saw me, but I was doing some massive air guitar. I had my teeth out and my cum face. I was doing coke like I was spanking off a wall.

I was doing all. I was spanking into small pipettes. What? God almighty. Right. So let's see what's the next track on Eurovision 2020. Ooh! If you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit, join our club If you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit, join our club

Jacob's Club. Have you ever seen more chocolate on a biscuit? If you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit, join our club Hello, welcome back. Brilliant. Wow. 2020, you're in vision. I hope you're enjoying this half as much as I am. I am on fire with the excitement here. Now, we've got the next track coming up

and we've got an extremely special guest to announce this. Do I come on now? Do I come on now? Can you just give me a second? I was just told by the stage manager to come on right now with the razzmatazz. Listen, we've met all your demands for the rider. Alright.

Is it a horse? Can I just talk to Paul outside the podcast? Paul, let's just... I'm going to introduce Jimmy Biscuits, then you get to do Jimmy Biscuits. I'm just going to go off the stage now. Bye-bye. We've got an incredibly special guest to introduce the next song straight. He's taking a break from his extremely busy schedule of being a lawyer, a detective and a music mogul.

Everyone, please welcome to the stage. It's Mr. Jimmy Biscuit. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Jimmy Biscuit's in the house. Oh yeah, it's Jimmy Biscuits. Oh, it's your favorite guy. Why? I'm here to introduce the next song. And I tell you, I'm putting my money on this track. I'm going to put good money on this track.

I back these babies. These are my boys. These are my gang, my clan, my fam. They are my brothers. They are my sisters. They are my lovers. They are my haters. They're my nemeses.

They're my muse. They're everything to me. I'm going to take them home. I'm going to love them. I'm going to. They're my haters. They're my nemeses. They're my muse. They're everything to me. I'm gonna take them home. I'm gonna love them. I'm gonna wash them in a pot. I'm gonna wash their little junk in a pot. I'm gonna tease the curls from their hair. And I'm gonna sing your good little band. Oh, I love it. I love it. I love it.

Jimmy Biscuits, everybody. What's the song? The coke is kicking in. Coke, coke, coke. Wait, what's the song? The coke is kickin' in! Coke, coke, coke! What's the next track? Gimme the fucking script! Jimmy Biscuits! I'm doing it! Get off me!

Get off me, I'm not drunk! Jimmy Biscuits everybody! Get the fuck out of my way buddy! I'll nail ya! I'm high! Do the track Jimmy, the track, Jimmy. The track. Please do the, introduce the track. The track's in my arms. I know. Give me a hit.

No, we need to introduce. We need to introduce. Give me a hit and a horse. Listen. Give me a hit and a horse. Okay, it's all there. The rider is there. Okay, this song, I back this guy.

He's my brother. He's my sister. He's my mother. We got that. This song is called between oh yeah buddy it's called between and it's by chris witherell i'm going down We'll see you next week. or who will get it right we can only guess who will be the best rip it off the tag

gonna drop it in the bag did you get that in a store? Or did you find it on the floor? Eli's got this down, but Paul is making ground. We say between, we say between, we say between. Everything's so cheap, can't wait you next week. Put me in a bathtub right now. I'll get Freddy Goon. I'll get Freddy Goon. Come on. Go get him because I'm going to do something crazy. What's the matter here? All right.

You've got to do something drastic. Mr. Biscuit. Yes. Sir, you need to be moving along now. Okay. Okay. Oh, you're very hard downstairs. I didn't want to mention it.

My God. Come on. My God. I'm so hard downstairs. I've got down my back alley. There's a hardness emergency. Do you know what? I think I can fly. Wait one second.

Oh, I've got to go fly now. Oh, my God. Mr. Biscuits! Here we go! Mr. Biscuits? Now I'm really hard downstairs. Oh, Freddy, Freddy, Freddy, Freddy, before you go, thank you for being here to help us out there. But, Freddy, how about while you're here,

how about you do the next song? What does that involve? It just means you read out the name of the song title and the artist. Do security on the stage? No, you don't need to worry about that. Does anyone need to... No. Ejecting?

No, no, no. All you've got to do is stand there and read out the word. Read what? Is this a contract? You've just got to say... I've got to read the contract. Go and get someone. Deal with someone.

I deal with someone. Just say, Pete, meet us with Brody... By Brody Moshman. Oh. Mossman. Not Moshman. Are you okay? No. Pete, meet us Brodie Moshman. Mossman, not Moshman. Are you okay? No, Pete Meetus.

Pete Meetus, yeah. I will say that if you really want me to. Yeah, I need you to introduce this next song. Perhaps you could leave the stage and let me do the thing where I introduced it. No, I've got to stay on the stage for continuity. I won't say anything, though. Just do your thing. Okay, hello, everybody.

Mr. Goon, I'm not accustomed to public speaking, but let me tell you, the little bit of experience I've had is definitely doing something to me. Mr. Gannon, it's doing something to me. Well, yeah, hard downstairs, yeah? No. Oh. Flaccid upstairs.

Flaccid? You know what? Don't want to know. I'm flaccid in my head. Yeah? And you talking, it does something to me It makes my head go floppy. I'm I'm I'm soft in the upstairs department. This is not a great example I've gone

Extending the life of a I've gotten squidgy I've got a marshmallow penthouse Okay, marshmallow penthouse I like that Anyway, can you introduce this song Keep the energy up Okay, now Next on Urine Vision We've got the dance of the flatulent beast

No, it's peak meter I fucking said that to you Okay, next time We're live on air The next song tonight on the Urine Vision is Peak Meet Us, and that's by Brodie Mossman. Take it away. Woo, woo.

Hard downstairs. Are they? Yeah. Are they? Yeah. Are they? Yeah. Thank you, boy.

Where did you put your puppy thingy head? Puppy thingy head. Oh, I have. Where did you put your puppy thingy head? Puppy thingy head. There you go. Where did you put your puppy thingy head? Puppy thingy head. And then Poo Poo comes out. I would see a dog food. There you go.

You imagine going to the doctor. Doctor, you will never have seen this before. I will have, Mr. Silverman, because I'm a doctor. Shiny. I've never seen it get out hail Satan I can't be fucked what thing

don't stop trying to think of something I just want a fucking honest answer where did you put your what we think it where did you put your poopy thingy at? Poopy thingy at? Poopy thingy at? Where did you put your poopy thingy at? Poopy thingy at?

And then Poo Poo comes out. All right, we've reached peak meters now. Absolute magic. Peak meters. Peak meters. By Curacle, apparently. That's ready. Curacle.

That's the artist's name. We said his real name. Oh, sorry. Sorry. Oh. Anyway. Oh Oh what a thought provoking Dirty grimy Pumping Pumping

Oh Peak meters Yeah lovely Do you like peak meters Do I like peak meters How am I meant to do anything with that Do I Do I like

You're the comedy genius mate I'm not What I'm not the comedy genius No Finally It's on tape I've got it I've tricked you You're the comedy genius, mate. I'm not... What? I'm not the comedy genius. No, finally. It's on tape.

I've got it. I've tricked you with me crafty Machiavellian riddle-aways. Paul. Oh, let's get through this. Let's get... Gotta get through this. You gotta get through this. So let's crack on with the next track

for your Envision 2020... Who's gonna introduce it? Every day in every way You're okay with us. Us goes where we go to help keep us dry. The hotter we get, the harder us works. Us, the deodorant for him, for her, for all of us. Every day in every way, you're okay with us. Day after day, you're okay with us.

Night after night. Hello, everybody. Is everybody having a good time tonight on your InVision? Yes. Oh, yeah. I've got the boogie in my pantos. Wowie. Yes.

Oh, what am I doing? Yeah. All right. Now. Shut up. Fuck off, you. Stand back. Yes, oh, what am I doing? Yeah, all right. Now, for the... Shut up. Fuck off, you. Stand back. And to introduce the next track tonight on your Envision,

you may not remember him, but we sure do. It's Pun Stopper. I think it'd be best, actually, if you introduced me with a pun and I can come in and correct you and then I take over. No one told me about this. You come up with a pun. It's very difficult for me. I know.

Shut up. We've noticed up with a pun. It's very difficult for me. I know. Shut up. We've noticed, we've all been listening. Stop trying to uncover. It's funny, when I sit on the sidelines at Pete Cheap's show, I never have to jump in these days

because you're a deeply unfunny little troll. It's just the way it is. Anyway, oh, come on. Yeah. I'll do a pun then, yeah? Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, now, here to introduce the next song on your Envision is not a gobstopper. No, it's pun. I mean, it just won't do, but I'll just start. Anyway, here we go, boys and girls.

It's punstopper, yes. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Now, hmm. Now, I've been told that I'm quite the handsome chap and they like having me around. I mean, I do room parties. I, you know, having a little drink there with a friend. I'm a bird handsome chap, and they like having me around. I mean, I do room parties. You know, having a little drink there with a friend. I'm a bird of prey. Yes.

A bird of prey. And he belongs to me, and I let him go at night. Yes. Orchestral manoeuvres in the dark. Now, no. I've told you no about that. Now, that's the great example of what I do.

I come in, and I say, no, don't do that. It's a bit poor. You could argue that you make a spirit here. What's a bird of prey's favourite drink? It would be Kestrel. It would be something like that. I went into a kebab shop the other day. No, no, no.

I'm pre-empting this. And I said, how much is this? And he said, £200. I went, sheesh. No, you can't say that. I wrote that. Anyway, I'm here to introduce the next fantastic, what a wonderful strong lineup it's been already so far on the show today.

I've been absolutely staggered that I've been invited onto the show. So without any further ado. No one remembers you. No, I know. Just get on with it. Well, I don't have too many voices now, do I? So I've got to scrape that barrel. Mr. Stopper?

Yes? If you could just introduce me. Here comes the Pondstopper. Here we go. So the next track is by an act called Seth Seabolt, and this is called Waltz of the Coloured Blocks. Take it away, boy. Thank you. ¶¶ so so Oh, absolutely.

You're not here afterwards. I do. I was told I would stay on until the song was up. Get Paul back on. There's no puns. There'll be no puns for you to stop. Yeah, I know. I've read the bloody script.

Here we go. Tattie bye. Oh, Paul, come on back up here. Thank you. Well, goodbye pun stuff. It was nice to see such a well-loved character return to the show. I don't have many voices, mate. Give me a break.

All right. Right. So, ooh, many voices, mate. Give me a break. All right. Right. So, ooh, what a lovely moogie piece of moog. It was very moogie, Paul, but I doubt it was made on a real moog because these days people use emulators. Boring, isn't it? It doesn't mean you can't have the sound of moog. It might well be the sound of moog.

Is it moog if it's not on a moog but a moog sound? That's a good question. Well, let's find out. No, we're not going to find out, are we? We're not going to find out, no we? We're not going to find out, no. All right. You're going manic.

Yeah. I'm excited. Halfway through. Yes. The songs. We're not even halfway through the show yet. Right, let's crack on.

Let's crack on. It's a long night. It's your envision. These things you can't take half measures in. We're going full fat with this. Full sugar. All the additives. All the MSG.

So let's get our next wonderful celebrity introductory guest onto the show. Now, you may have seen him on the TV, but that's unlikely. It is the actor Grumpy Sessions. Oh, hello. Yes, hi. It's great to be here. Thank you. You know, I haven't been on TV recently.

Well, not for several decades. But it reminds me of when I did used to work, being up here. I haven't been on this stage since it was the House of Pickles-a-terium. Things have changed a lot since we last had one. Used to have two hours of strippers and then a donkey show. We still have that. You're just not invited to. It's so nice.

Thank you for inviting me back on. It really does remind me of when I played the Bard. Yeah? Yes. Billy Bard. He was basically a human ice cream in a movie and I said, okay, I'll play a human ice cream.

How do you play one such as that? Well, you put a lot of moose in one's hair. What character? How do you get into character to play an ice cream? I broke into an ice cream factory and I slunk around for several months in there.

Method I was on. Walls. Don't. Come on, you can't laugh before you make the gag. I don't know how to. And also, there's a very intimidating fellow over there. He said he'd stop me if I did try any wordplay. Just ignore him.

He's a party pooper. Walls. Yeah. He broke into an ice cream factory. Walls? No, it was round trees. I don't know. Anyway, introduce. They don't

make ice cream. Hang on. What's another popular ice cream manufacturer? I don't know. Haagen-Dazs. Okay, say it again. They had Haagen-Dazs. No, Panstopper needs to get back up here. Sorry, Grumpy. No, Pondstopper's too busy with that horse backstage.

Get off! Get off! Stay off, Betsy! We're not having a repeat of last year's Horrible Adventure. Shall I introduce you? Please do, yes. Okay, well, let me say just one more time, Paul and Eli, it's been an absolute pleasure.

Get on with it. And a privilege to stand on this stage for your envision. I used to have a singing career. Oh, mate, seriously, just introduce the song or I'll do it. They call me the sexy sessions. I'll do it if you don't do it. Ladies and gentlemen, here we go. No, no, no.

No wonder you don't get fucking work, mate. No. Okay, here we go. Now, thanks for listening, everybody. Okay, here we go. Now, thanks for listening, everybody. And the next tune that we're going to hear tonight on... Pathetic. ...your envision is...

Oh, God. It is the Cheese Moment debacle. And it's going to be sung by Connor Howard. Oh, thank you. Here we go! Thank you. ༼ つༀ་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་་ Well, I don't see how that's a song. It is a song. It's experimental in its... Oh, I thought there would be...

Oh, I loved it. I thought there'd be some singing. Can I do... I like a bit of 90s vaporwave-y thing. It's good, though. No, I need to do at least another minute. No, I'm just going to... Freddie, can you get this man off the stage, please?

Freddie, get this man off the stage. I'll do the voice. No, look, Freddie's coming to remove me. Yeah, good. What's going on around here? Okay, I'm getting ragingly hard. I don't care about that flip-flop head thing I was saying a minute ago. I've got a boner that I'm going to smack over your head and intimidate you with it.

Be curious in the workings of Eli Silverman's mind at play. Right, we'll see you in a little bit for our next track. Okay, I'm going. On your last trip, did you discover what the earth people eat? They eat a great many of these. They peel them with their metal knives. Boil them for 20 of their minutes. Then they smash them all to bits.

They are clearly a most primitive people. For mash, get smash. Okay, well, we're having a great time here in the Urine Vision 2020 here on Cheap Show, the House of Pickles. It's packed to the rafters. And here to introduce the next song, Everyone Thought He Was Dead.

I totally wish he was, but we really had to get him on again. It's Uncle Grumbly, everybody. Hello, everybody. I'll save that. Don't wash it, Dan. Oh, it's gone down the grid. Oh, what a waste of a good old piece of arse meat.

Oh, that could have fed a family of a good old piece of arse meat. Oh, that's my... That could have fed a family of five, that. Oh, God. Anyway, I'm here to... Oh, I swallowed it. Anyway, a little bit of throat butter. I'll keep that. His thing is he eats shit and sells it to other people as food.

That's it. It's all I've got. It's an honest business. It's an honest job. They say, what's in there? And I say, shit. And they buy it. I don't hide anything.

What's in that? How did you survive the train accident murder? Well, I have many powers. And one of them is reincarnation. Okay, good. I'm glad we cleared that up. Now, are you going to introduce the song, Mr. Grumbly? Or am I going to have to call someone you've had experience with in the past, Mr. Freddy Goon, to come and deal with you?

Well, don't worry about it. I'm going to keep it up there. Here we go. Right, so the next track is by Dylan Brinkley, and it's simply called... Oh dear. Robot Mind. I'd like to give you special time to look inside my robot mind. I'd like to give you special time to look inside my robot mind. I'd like to give you special time to look inside my robot mind. I'd like to give you special time to look inside my robot mind. I'd like to give you a special time to look inside my robot mind. I'd like to

give you a special time to look inside my robot mind. I'd like to give you a special time. Watch you look inside my robot mind. When you see inside my robot mind what secrets do you think you'll find? That was

short and sweet like my stools. Get off the stage now. Short and sweet like my stools. Get a bucket. Get a bucket. Get off. I'm going to make a batch of Spofsky. No kidding. Paul.

Catch that. Catch it. Okay, everybody. Yes. Catch it in the bag. Paul, if you could join me on the stage. Oh God, well thank God we put the grates down. Yeah, we really are paying for themselves, aren't we?

Five quid for that! Yeah, you can collect it afterwards, Mr. Grumbly. Well, let's carry on with the show! Yay! Woo! Your Envision 2020 Carrying on with the best hits And the best tracks But we've got the best guests

As well And here's our next No more further ado Get him on You know him as the man Who dribbles at night But he's simply called Pre-cum-John

Paul, it's Eli Yeah You said best hits Best hits Yeah, it sounded like best You said best hits. Best hits? Yeah, it sounded like best hits really. Do it again. Yes. We got the best guests and we got the best big fat boobs.

Walk aboard me. Paul, calm down. You need to calm down. I can't. I've got all these people watching me. I'm talking to you now as Eli in the room with you making this recording. Start that intro again. Okay? Bringing on pre-cum job. I'm in the room with you making this recording. Start that intro again. Bringing on Precum John.

Ladies and gentlemen, he's completely stamped on my creative drive to carry on with this episode of the podcast, but welcome on stage, Eli's pathetic attempt at a character. It's Precum John. Hello. Yeah, right. Nice to be here. Yeah. It is nice.

Thank you for being on the show now. What have you been up to since we last saw you well business as usual for me Paul I manufacture Spofflets and I distribute them

like Father Christmas if you will all around the world and I operate under several copyrighted subdivisions

namely Leaky Ken who was the original the originator my mentor Leaky Ken told me the Sp original, my mentor, Leaky Ken, taught me the spoff game, taught me the dribble game. Man and boy, he taught you everything he knows. Man and boy, you could say.

And Leaky Ken's one of the subdivisions. We've also got one for the ladies. Yeah. It's Spoogey Susan. Thanks for the shout out, mate. No problem, Sue. So, yeah, just to let everyone know, I'm still in business. And if you need any sprinkles, droplets, a little bit of a powdering,

a little bit of a spoff up, a little, if you need eye droplets, you need droplets on the forehead, in the sleepy sleeps, I'm there with the dribble dribbles. And remember, if you want spoff in your eye, give Precum John a try. Thank you very much, Paul. Anyway, introduce the next track. Okay. It's lovely to be here.

Thank you, Precum John. The next track we've got on the Urine Vision 2020 show. What have we got here? We've got the Dance of the Flatulent Beast and this is by Elodie Cunningham. Kepala The flatulent beast, I wonder who that is? It's Eli, isn't it? Well, shall I? I think we're done.

Do you need me to bring the van round? Do the van round with the droplets? Sprinkle, sprinkle. No, you can do that. After party. That's the after party, yeah. After party shower. You take it to the pub around the corner.

You go to the pub and drop it off. Will you be going for the full load? Yeah. Just drop it off at the Spoff and Tickle pub. Yeah. Spoff and Pickle. Spoff and Pickle. All right.

No, I've got... Can you do it about an hour? Yeah. No problem. All right, sweet. Oh, sorry. You shouldn't do this on stage. Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, I've got, I've got. Can you do it about an hour? Yeah. No problem. All right, sweet. See, oh, sorry, you shouldn't do this on stage. Anyway, ladies and gentlemen,

bye to Precum John. Bye. Precum John, is it? Yeah, that's right. That's his name. Precum John, everyone. Definitely not Leaky Ken for legal reasons.

Definitely not one of our better characters. Bye, everybody. Bye. Not very good. Not very good. All right, Paul, yeah, that was brilliant.

Isn't Leaky Ken, oh, sorry, Precum John. He's shit. Everything about it's shit. This show is shit. You're yeah. That was brilliant. Isn't leaky... Oh, sorry. Precumption. You're shit. Everything about it's shit. This show is shit. You're shit. I'm shit. You're envisioned shit.

Last year was shit. Paul. Everything is shit. This is shit. Paul. You're shit. No, no. You shit mouth shitter.

Fucking hell. Shit off, you shit dog bollock hog. Next song coming up next, you shit. Right. These potatoes are for the crisp makers. Here they won't come up. We're too good to be any old crisp. We want to be...

Miscarist. We want to be... Miscarist. We're not budging until we make you see that if we were Smith's crisps If we were Smith's crisps What tasty, light and golden crisps we'd be I'd better phone Smith's

We wanna be Smith's crisps Smith's crisps, so good every potato wants to be one you just started doing that with the characters hanging around afterwards that's what I do it's my

contribution to this episode where's yours being deeply unfunny is pre-commentary I'm not I've been great listen we're going to go on stage right now

you're losing it you're losing it listen you've lost it just do meaty Margaret I've got a little bit you've lost all of it yeah you see what I'm doing

with my fingers yeah poor meaty Margaret yeah poor meaty Margaret no just small small meaty Margaret You've lost it. Just do Meaty Margaret. I've got a little bit. You've lost all of it. Yeah, you see what I'm doing with my fingers? Yeah. Poor Meaty Margaret, yeah? Poor Meaty Margaret. No, just small. Small Meaty Margaret. I'm indicating short.

Shortness. Yeah? Yeah, your penis. Don't go there! You showed me your penis. You pointed at your penis. I showed you my penis. You pointed at your penis to show the word small. That's why I wrote it.

So don't take the piss out of me saying it when you were drawing attention to your button mushroom. right diamond button mushroom meant to be on stage quick okay anyway now i'll go away i've got my pen i hope you're having a really good time i don't know if paul's gonna make it to the end but uh here to introduce the next entrant on tonight's competition is uh meaty margaret oh my days i can't believe it well as you know i'm a businesswoman i run my own little farm just out there just outside of london where we make meats uh it's an old gag but it's true i do make them out of dead bodies mostly uh the poor, the destitute. Sometimes I go and steal from the rich people as well.

They don't know they've got a couple of kids missing, do they? They're adopted, some of them. So I just pop in, grab one or two, and drop them off in my farm, don't I? We make some lovely beefy burgers with it or some nice Canadian bacon. So we do all sorts there. It's not all kids sometimes we do murder adults old people make lovely jerky and it's important that you you got you give it you give a lot of uh options don't you yes we're giving you the minute and a half

oh right uh could you introduce the song please meetymargaret.chop.org that's what you go to if you want special meat i know it's an old gag about cannibalism, but it's good meat. It really is good stuff. It is good, yeah. And we get a Precum John seal of approval with every splash. A literal seal. Isn't it? Yeah.

Well, Precum, he's gone. He's driving the van now. So you can't. Meaty. Meaty. Yeah. If I can call you that. You can call me Meekymargarit. Meaty baby. Meaty baby. Meaty Madge. Madgie. you. Meaty. Yeah? If I can call you that. You can call me Meaty Margaret.

Meaty Baby. Meaty Baby. Meaty Madge. Yeah? Madgy. No. Madge. You'll be in a fucking pie if you keep talking to me like that, my love.

Right. Right then, my love. Meaty, would you like me to introduce the next track? I really, really would. Let's see where we go then. Well, it's my job to introduce the show. It's also my job to kill humans for food. Yes, we got that.

Here we go. This next track is by someone called Pumpkinhead, would you believe it? And the track is called That Feeling When Noodles Hit Late At Night. Now leave the stage now. Leave the stage now. Can I take that man on the front row? Yes, have whatever you want.

Just don't come back after this song. Come on, my lover. You're gonna be in poise guitar solo Don't look at me like that. No, me. Ladies and gentlemen, what a fantastic track. Very moody, very chill, atmospheric. I kind of imagined a swinging hammock on a kind of warm, sunny afternoon. Oh, I was right there. I imagined, Paul.

I was right there. I also. Meaty Margaret. Oh, my lover. Now, would you like chops? No, God, meataty, get off. All right. You stay true.

You don't know. I've got nothing else to fucking do around here, is it? No, there's nothing else to do. Take your seat. It's not a glamorous life chopping up babies. No, it's not. And you're not a glamorous character. Paul.

Yes. Next track? Yeah. Let's do the next track. We're near the end. We've got one, two, three more tracks to come. Let's see what the future holds. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Eurovision 2020.

Oh, there are three songs left, so let's not go anymore. Let's carry on with the show. Let's put another song on the rack, give it a twirl, see what the judges think. So let's introduce the next guest that's going to get next track on oh I can't believe it here we go whoa right it is oh I can't believe it we haven't had him on in a while because he's different people it is who is it gonna be it's queef Hoffa hello thank you very much for that now my name is Pelton Mellenberry.

Queefhoffer. I think someone put something in the backstage drinks. I'm feeling very strange. Well, I've got a queef for that, so don't worry. The queef of restoration. I can hand you that, but can I just do the backstory bit first? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to sit down. Like I said, today when I woke up, I was just an ordinary fellow. I was Pelton Mellenberry.

And then a vision came to me. And the League of Queef bestowed a special power upon me. Plus a utility belt full of Queef spells for almost any situation. We should have front-loaded the show with our least popular characters such as this. My hat's on me. It's a mantle that I now carry. Queef should have front-loaded the show with our least popular characters such as this. That's on me. It's a mantle that I now carry until the Queefuffer regenerates

at the end of this cycle. Just introduce the song because everyone's checked out and you've dropped the energy considerably of this segment. I'm a man of great power. When I wield the cosmic power of Queef... How about you wield my cosmic throbbage? Go on.

Do you want this restorative queef off my beltoqueef? I need it. Give me it. I'm beginning to run low on energy. It's a long night.

I've floated over there lighter than air, you know. So, look, I'll blow over this queef to you. Oh! Oh! Well, that's given me

quite the pep. Do you feel better? That's quite the, well, the grumbly queef. It is quite the perpa. Now, the next tune. Bit more energy. Come on, love. Bit of energy.

You can do it, love. Come on. Okay, well, maybe I could take a queef myself. Yeah, take one of your, haven't you got a queef for a game show host or something like that? I think I do have a queef spell for that. Let's give that a go. Okay, let's see. There's breathing fire. You've got to give some oxygen to this fucking fire trash can of a character.

There's the power to fly. You can't really just let him stand there flailing with this fucking awful character. The magic of reading minds? That's a telepathic queef, that. He has a belt of queef farts. Here it is. The charming queef spell to make you a TV show host. I'm only getting involved. I'll just unzip it.

Hello, everybody! Yes, queef puffer! Queef puffer, yeah! Right, next on. Who we got, ladies? Who we got? Yeah, we got... Next on Urine Vision,

it's The Magic Touch by Chris Easton. Let's rock it. Thanks for watching! Think I think too much, but you've got that touch People say what to do, say that I just can't do All these things you need me, I'm stuck watching the TV We argue, we fall out, you ask what's it all about, I don't know, you don't care, you just need someone that's there. Things I say, things I do Things I love like you Things I love like you

I think I think too much But you've got that touch You've got that touch Woo! What a summertime groove that was. Anyone need another queef? No, we're good. You can now go. All right.

It's been... Just remember... Paul, characters can't hang around after a song. No. You're meant to go. You don't do it. Now, just remember, boys and girls

and everyone out there that can't carry on. If you're in trouble, all you need to do is look into the sky and inhale. Queef Huffer will be there. I'm just going to float away.

Ooh, this queef tastes delicious. Wet queef. Absolute dog shit of a character. Wow, he's such a mighty superhero, isn't he, Paul? There he goes. He's floating off. I don't care. We've got two more songs to go.

Who will have the queef off a mantle next time? No one. Let's carry on. We've got two more songs to go. We're nearly there. Let's go. How do you pep up a pizza? Make room for the mushrooms. Make room for the mushrooms.

Make room for the mushrooms. Right. Now, if you remember last year, we had a bit of controversy about certain characters and events who came on to the show. Now, contractually, we still have to have some of those people return. As a result, we are obliged now on Eurovision 2020 to get the benefactor of so many previous years shows, even though he's currently on the run for all kinds of murder crimes and all sorts of horrible sexual harassment business. But all that aside, he does fund our back end businesses, so we have to have him on. So, ladies and gentlemen, we've got a satellite somewhere I think to some kind of island off the coast of somewhere hot. So let's find out now if he's there. Is he coming in? Is he coming through?

Ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff Mr. Brandoff. Oh, hello. Yes, hi. Now, we don't have too much internet time with you. No, put it down there.

Yes, hello. We don't have too much time. We've only got a limited amount of time to get you on, so can you just please introduce the next song for us, all right? Why are you here? I believe they're tracking this call as we speak, so you don't want to be too long. Is that you, Paul?

Paul? Is that you? Yes. Paul? Yes. Is that you? They're tracking this phone call, so you don't want to be too long. Is that you, Paul? Paul? Is that you? Yes. Paul? Yes. Is that you? They're tracking this phone call, so be quick. The fee.

That is my nemesis on the line. The fee. Paul. Track this call. Track it. Get the computer on right now. Track this call. Paul, just the fee.

Just one thing about the fee. I'm getting rather low on funds out here. We're giving you some of the pay, we're giving you some of the pay, Tom. The special account. The secret account. Yes. Put the fee in there. Magda, I told you once, you fool! Can you just quick, you, turn that computer off and you hurry up so we don't trace that call and get us into all legal shit.

Okay, so, you're in vision so we don't trace that call and get us into all legal shit. Okay, so, Urine Vision, we've got another track. 15 seconds of track. Two for you. This is Ruff Ruff Fruit Salad by Paul Byrne. You lost the signal, goddammit! I'm fine, fruit fun, stick a banana up my bum, plant my peanuts in a plum, cantaloupes make me cum, take a little melon,

you can call it Helen, but you turn into a felon when you stick it in a rig, to make your cock go big. Use a spoon to dig and place its innards in a bowl, then fuck the empty shell till your nutsack blows. Oh, I find fruit fun, stick a banana up my bum, Plant my penis in a plum. Cantaloupes make me cum, now tomatoes make tantalising tits. If you hollow out a grapefruit for some bits, You'll get a fruity girl who'd well fit. If you use some grapes for eyes, fucking fruit will make you sigh, But the green grocer he cries, you shag his strawberries and never pay,

Scare all the other customers away I find fruit fun Stick a banana up my bum Plunge my penis in a plum Cantaloupes make me cum It may be very very wrong But it's a catchy fucking song I find fruit fun Stick a banana up my bum Plunge my penis in a plum Cantaloupes make me cum But root vegetables leave me numb Having intercourse with them is wrong Unless Paul's mother puts them into an oven first

Woo! Yeah, some heady stuff! Well, some people made more of an effort than others apparently! Bringing my good mother's name into this once again! Once again my good mother's name's been dragged through the mud. Ovens, vegetables, insertions. Yes.

And my co-host's ongoing fascination with what's between her legs. Got anything to say about that, Eli Silverman? You filth. Richard Brandoff sounded like he was

in good health, didn't he? Yeah, he did. He's alright. Seems to be looking good on that island. I can't believe you had him on the show. I can't believe I lost the show. Sit down, Jamie Biscuits. yeah, he did. He's alright, seems to be looking good on that island. I can't believe you had him on the show. I can't believe I lost the show.

Sit down, Jamie Biscuits. Yeah, sit down. We've got one last song to do, so let's hope it's a bombstormer, because that last one upset me. All right, Paul. Never mind. Ladies and gentlemen,

ladies and gentlemen. Oh, look at... Oh, everybody's out there looking at us, madam. Hello, hello there, hello. Everybody's looking at us. Look at that pretty one on the front row. Hello, darling. Squishy Jim no like.

Squishy Jim. Why not, darling? Squishy Jim. Love of my life, sweetheart of my soul. Squishy Jim have nerves. Squishy Jim is scared. Squishy Jim is scared. Squishy Jim. Squishy Jim must suck his boot.

He must have booty. Must suck his booty. Must suck his shitty booty. Calm down, my dear. Hold my hand. There we go. Hold my hand, love. Hold my hand. I know, because you're weird about shit like that. Well, we don't run by ourselves. It doesn't matter if you hold my hand or not.

Squishy Jim, no, don't touch. Anyway, there you go, darling. Hold my hand, calm, breathe after me. One, two, plop on my shoe. Three, four, plop on the four. Five, six, plop on my dicks. Seven, eight, plop on the gate. Nine, ten, plop again. Eight. Plop on the gate. Nine.

Ten. Plop again. Squish it in again. Yeah. Right. Anyway, boys and girls, we're here now to introduce the very last song. Oh, look. It's got a very nice grate on the stage.

Yeah, we know. I'd squish it through. I'd squish it through. I know. Madam. Madam. We don't have time for that right now, darling. I'll squish it through.

Darling, all the world's listening. Calm down. Oh, there's the people. Now, how about this, darling? Can I suck my boots? I'll mention the artist and you mention the title of the song. All right, darling? Swishy-do-do.

Here we go. Here we go. So here is the final song of your Envision 2020. Let's crack it on. And it's by Travis T with... The Jerk. I'll squish that later. Hey, my sweet, you want it soft. I feel complete when I talk you off.

You want that tingling deep inside. Then honey, just enjoy the ride. Hey, the baby you look so hot I think you may be after what I got it's sure to satisfy this bliss I bring cause a soda is a wonderful thing

you're feeling flushed you have a need I will fulfill it that's what I do I'm here to help, oh yes indeed It's just a much I care for you Show me that smile, I like to see I love to help, but that's a perk Wait and worry, but leave alone me

I'm nothing but a soda jerk, oh Nothing but a soda jerk, oh Just a simple soda jerk Thank you Thank you very much Wonderful Wonderful stuff Rock and roll

A bit of boogie there Squishy That's all the songs So let's get our The original hosts on Eli and Paul Okay Let's go bye bye boys and girls Say bye bye Squishy Jim Bye bye Squishy Jim Oh look at us me So let's get the original hosts on, Eli and Paul.

Let's goodbye, boys and girls. Say goodbye Squishy Jim. Bye bye Squishy Jim. Oh look at us, me. Shall we do a little plop on the floor just to say goodbye? Just for the boys and girls. Here we go. And...

Squish! Here we go. Bye bye everyone. Bye bye. Yay! That's it. All 13 songs are done. Now we are handing those songs over to the judges.

They're going to pontificate, ruminate, and... Oh, shit. Shut up, Paul. Do you know what? Accumulate scores. Oh, that's fucking... What have you got? I can speak normally.

I can just keep speaking. I can say things. Yeah, but you speak boringly. And if you don't, it's all... Isn't it? it's all spaffy, wiffy, doffy, quaff. Isn't it? It's all that. It's either boring, real, or gormless nonsense. That's a very, that's a big accusation.

It is a big accusation. Fuck you. Right, so that's it. I'm sick of you. Bring it to another show. I'm sweaty. I'm sweating. We've been rocking hard all night. We've been rocking hard all night. We have been rocking hard. So let's take an interval now

while the judges take in their votes. We'll be right back after this to see what the scores are. Okay. And to take us through the interval, we're going to hand some music over now to the fantastic, well, you know him as Mr. Biffo,

but I know him as That Man with one of his fantastic songs. Take it away, Mr. Biffo. There's a real big sting that's going round. It's coming out of everyone. It's covering the ground. It's coating all the walls of trees your mothers have gone out. It's Diarrhoea 360, can you hear his dirty sound? It's brown around, yeah, brown around

Everybody's got it, our bombs are battleground It's brown around, yeah, brown around It's coming up too fast, the whole world is being drowned Our bows are torn asunder Our bombs are a mess Our sphincters are in splinters Our guts are in distress This diarrhea 360, this dysentery extreme

Inverse from every old reason makes a colon scream It's round and round, yeah, round and round Everybody's got it, it's power is profound It's round and round, yeah, round and round, everybody's got it, its power is profound It's round and round, round and round It's coming out too fast, and the world is in my town Run, run, run from the rungs Run, run, run from the rungs Run, run, run from the interval. I've calmed down some more.

I've calmed down a little bit. Paul, you okay? Yeah. Paul's okay, everybody. I'm a nice, fat, blunt, and I'm all good, baby. You smoke blunts, do you? Yeah, I smoke a big, blunt doobie stick. Like a rapper from the 1990s.

I smoke a blunt. Pass it to Dutchie on the left-hand side. A Dutchie is not a blunt. Pass the drugs on your left-hand side. All right, all right. I've had all of that. Me, Teen Yeti backstage. Oh, yeah?

Sharing a spliff. Well, Teen Yeti, you know, he doesn't put marijuana. Sorry, he doesn't put herbal cannabis in those cigarettes. What does he put in? It's his dried winnets. They're very psychoactive. Fucking good. Yeah.

Oh. No, it's his special. It's his side business he's got. He imports it to America. Does Grumbly know about this? Grumbly was dead. Do you remember? And he wasn't explained, really.

All right, well, go with it. Just fucking go with it. I'm trying a little bit of narrative. Well, as far as I'm aware, Paul, Grumbly was on the other side, you know, being some kind of Avenger down in hell and has come back into this world, so he probably doesn't know about Teen Yeti

selling his winnets as smoke. As smoke. Ran out of thought. End programme. Damn. Fuck programme. Boom. Fuck off. Are we going to introduce the rest of this or what? Now we hand over to the judges.

Now they've had time to think while the interval's been on. And now we're just going to go live over to our judges and get the scores from them. Get the scores from them. And I will be personally, and I won't let you down on this, tallying the scores. It's a very important job, Silverman. We'll see who won. Very important job. Do you have any ideas which way the judges might go?

I honestly don't know. Honestly, apart from the one or two more experimental tracks, they've all been real, like, generally surprisingly awesome stuff. Very good. Thank you so much to all the contestants for sending those in. Way too good for this fucking podcast. Some beautiful synth stuff. Lovely stuff.

All kinds of styles. Very polished numbers, yeah. So thank you all, all the contestants for getting involved and putting their talent out there to be judged by their betters. Which is, you know, scary. So hopefully... Judged by their betters? Yeah, judged by... Oh, come on. Judged by

their betters? No! That sounds just like Lady Plotter. She's not coming back up here. She was downstairs eating his winnets. Right out the fucking machine. All right. It's all been going on in the green room, hasn't it? Yeah.

Mate, the party in the green room is disgusting. Woo! Crazy. Yeah. Jimmy Biscuit's doing line after line after line of coke. He needs to be hospitalised. There's something wrong with him. He's like really suffering from the stress.

I think it's because he was, you know, he didn't manage to. He was in charge and those murders happened. And now he lost the trail again. It probably wasn't a good idea to get Brandoff on. I think it's because he was, you know, he didn't manage to... He was in charge and those murders happened. And now he lost the trail again. It probably wasn't a good idea to get Brandoff on, but what we do, our hands were tied. So, yeah, the pot is going on in the backstage. Did it sound like Brandoff was in Russia or something?

I couldn't tell. Because he spoke to Magda? Well, we had to bounce it off for a slightly later just to get him on. Obviously, he didn't get his favourite secretary to go with him, Carol. No. Well, that's because... Well, she should have been here tonight. Well, no, that's because... Well, that's very bad.

What? Remember that character I came up with? It was like, thanks for the name drops. Like Squashy Susan or something. Remember? Doesn't matter now, shit. So, let's get on with the voting, shall we? We have 13 celebrity guests judging the tracks tonight.

Okay. So, we're going to start with our first judge with his co-host Phil, for a number of years. We go all the way back to when we first started doing internet radio back in the day. Taxi for Baker, things like that. Oh, we had a good laugh. So I've always been a big fan of his work and his writing. Ben is a fantastic writer of pop culture. Does he have stuff his attic attic tat that he gets maybe he might have some more up to donations but uh he also wrote a few books on things like uh he wrote a book a really great book

about radio times over christmases and how like the tv shows changed over christmas and what was used you know on christmas day fascinating stuff so i highly recommend that there'll be a link in the podcast description on your app for that stuff. But anyway, I thought I'd invite Ben and his co-host Phil of Don't Let's Chart Podcast to do the first round of voting. Let's have it.

So let's go over to them now. Hello! I'm speaking to you in a slightly cut Eurovision accent because I am a patronising dick! Yeah, please don't do that. It's not Eurovision anyway, it's Eurovision. It is. Hi, I'm Ben Baker.

And I'm Phil Cattrell, hello. And we're the hosts of Don't Let's Chat, a comedy and trivia podcast. Yes. Which is, how best to describe us? Well, do you remember Putnam Dennis? Well, so do we. Yeah. So it's an honour to be officially someone

that Paul Gannon knows and after combining our results we award the following points two points dance of the flatulent beast fruit salad peak meters shaking my ass

and sauce life an interesting mix there dance of the flatulent beast I found that a bit like AFX Twin caught in a toilet whilst Fruit Salad. I could see that one dividing the judges. Yes, I mean, it definitely has something of the spirit of Cheap Show, I feel.

Yep, yep. It personally made me feel a bit bilious. It was like rap never happened, Or at the very least Grandmaster Flash was obsessed with sticking Cum quats up his death box Why would you Say such a thing?

Don't do that It might exist, I don't know I'm not a rapula man And the two were kind of sampling tracks In there as well Peak Meat is a bit like a blue jam outtake, but the jam is pickle flavoured and contains some very unsettling

curly white hairs. Sauce life on a nice groove, but not the groove in your meters. Yes, please don't. Can we move on? Three points. Three points. The feeling when the noodles hit late at night. Robot mind. That magic touch. And the jerk. So the Three points. The feeling when the noodles hit late at night. Robot Mind.

That magic touch. And the jerk. So the jerk's the one that we disagreed the most strongly on, I think. All I'll say is one of us liked it a lot and one of us found it a sub-star turn mess. I, well... Robot Mind is like one of those things, you know when you tune the radio late at night and you hear something and you go like,

what the hell is that? Yeah. I liked that a lot. The Noodles one, it was one of those nice folky ones like Steve Guitarrison might play or Ian different Guitarrison.

I know all the folk music, mate. Four points. Went to The Cheese Moments Debacle Copy Paste and Petwing. Some really interesting ones in here. I don't know if Cheese Moments Debacle. Copy-paste. And Petwing. Yeah, some really interesting ones in here. I don't know if Cheese Moments Debacle will be for everyone, but it reminded me of those kind of weird mid-80s European animations

that Channel 4 used to show. Yeah, no, that's definitely fair. Copy-paste. It's like, I'm not sure if it fits the theme of the contest or not, but, you know, it didn't just say, Wanky Spank Ain't No Bam Sauce! Or something like that, but it's just something i'd listen to in real life yeah uh and between it's a proper song it's a proper song and it's it's very much in the cheap show milieu it's uh

yeah it's about the show it's got a proper 80s groove and i did an air bass throughout it yeah and it was it was tough not making that the winner, I think. Yeah, it was very, very close. But that leaves our five-pointer. Waltz of the Coloured Blocks. Yeah, I liked it especially because it had a radiophonic workshop kind of feel to it, which is not an easy thing to recreate

really. No. It took me to that weird, wobbly waiting for telly to start in early morning kind of strange melancholy. It kind of reminded me a bit of Eli, you know, just in general.

My notes for that one read, this is weird and distressing and I like it. And if that's not cheap, sure, I don't know what is. Those were the results from the Don't Let's Chart party. Find us in your pod the results from the Don't Let's Chart party. Find us in your pod app of choice at Don't Let's Chart. Thank you very much for having us.

And now, back to your regular advertised smut. Thank you, Ben and Phil. And genuinely, if you enjoyed that clip, that's their podcast in five minutes. It's fun stuff. Check it out. Some brilliant commentary on the tracks there, Paul. Astute. I agreed with a lot of that. Yeah, astute stuff there from ben and phil so thank you once again so just to clarify here is how because i've got to mention it here's how the

scoring goes there are 13 tracks and we wanted to give it a nice balance so no one ever got a one point you know what i mean just don't say that because then they feel like also it was important that we didn't vote so they still like us, Paul, but if you reveal that to everyone, then the people who got the least points will think, well, I probably would have got no points, and then they'll feel bad. So you've fucked it. You've fucked your whole system by explaining it.

Anyway, the scoring is five tracks out of the 13 will be awarded two points. Four tracks will get three points. Three tracks will get four points, but only one track will get a five point per twing. We're going to call it a per twing. We shouldn't. No, we can't. It kind of infringes on our other brands. You're not doing well on this

little... Do you want to fucking... No. Do you want me to come over and start doing violent touching? Violent touching? I'll do violent touching. You will? Yeah. Is that a promise? Is that the noise? Actually, stop. Come on, who's the next guest? You will? Yeah. Is that a promise? Is that the noise? Stop. Actually, stop. Come on, who's the next guest? Now the scoring's been put down, we're going to go back to our judges.

I've got those scores down, Paul. It was all my own work. And by the way, you can play along at home by taking the scores down for each one. And then you can see who the winner will be. Probably before us maybe we just don't know what did you say i wasn't listening the next guest the next guest okay so next on our list is jenny zagrino jenny's a friend of mine she's a comedian and actress in los angeles she put up with me last year will she do comedian comedian-ing or acting elsewhere? I guess.

Not exclusive to Los Angeles. No, they were just, like, she was in, what, she was in Bad Santa sequel. She was in Bad Santa 2. Yeah, she was in that. I put that on

on a high-def TV and it looked like it wasn't real. What, the film? Yeah. What do you mean, not real? It all looked like it was TV, not a film.

It's hard to describe. Don't do it. I think it had it on the sports setting on the TV. You boring arse. Right, okay, so. It's hard to describe. Don't do it. I think it had it on the sports setting on the TV. You boring arse. You're boring. We're going to go to Jenny now. Jenny will be giving her vote.

I asked her very kindly. She very kindly gave her vote, so let's go over. You asked her very kindly. Yeah, I went, please just take a breath before you speak. Please. Look at it. I'm doing it. Look at me. I'm doing it now. I can speak. Jenny, it's over. I'm doing it. Look at me. I'm doing it now. I can speak. Jenny, it's over to you in Los Angeles.

What's the scores on the board? Miss Fraud. No, she's not cool. Feud. What are you doing? Hey, everyone. My name is Jenny Zagrino. I'm a stand-up comedian and actress and writer and vintage clothing reseller and antique flipper and fucking anything I can to do money.

Make money? I want to make money. I don't want to do money. Maybe I do want to do money. Make money? I want to make money. I don't want to do money. Maybe I do want to do money. Anyways, I am here to judge your dumb Eurovision contest. So this is the part in the instructions where I'm supposed to comment on the hosts. I mean, frankly, who am I to judge what a bunch of middle-aged dudes want to do on a podcast? Honestly, I don't care about either of them. No, that's not true. I care deeply for one of them. You'll have to guess which one. So I listened to all these audio clips begrudgingly, but I'm unemployed. What the fuck else am I going to do? The world's going to end. I'm going to get COVID and the last fucking thing I'm going to hear is fruit salad putting melon in a bum. God, I can't wait

for death. So I rated my top five. I don't want to die, actually. I want to live forever. Okay, so we'll start from the bottom. Number five is going to be copy and paste. I felt that copy and paste really feels like that's what's happening right now in our lives with COVID, is that we are just copying and pasting the day over and over and over again. So that really spoke to me. So that gets number five. Number four is Sauce Life. I don't know why I liked this. It just really like spoke to me. I think the ones I chose all

have like vocals in them except for one. And Sauce Life, I was wondering, what is his sauce life? What is his sauce life, you know? Fucks people while they're sleeping. That sounds like a sauce life to me. Number three is the feeling when the noodles hit late night. I actually was very touched by this piece. It reminded me maybe of some early Radiohead. You know, it was very ethereal, and I could, this felt like when you get noodles at three in the morning after a night of doing heavy drugs, and you're on

your comedown, and you're like, I just want noodles. So it spoke to me. Number two, fruit salad. Of course. I'm always down for people experimenting with their sexuality. And number one is, I don't know how to pronounce this, P-twag? P-twing? Whatever. It's by Chris W.

I chose it mostly because I see the flex. I see the musical flex. I see you being an artist over there. Um, did I actually listen to anything this song was saying? No. Does anybody? Was I actually supposed to listen to this shit? Um, and those are my top five. Um, let's see. Why do I want to put a special shout out to any track? I think I just, I think I just told you who my winners are and my reasoning behind it. Um, so with that, guys, follow me on social media, Jenny Zagrino on everything. Um, I used to have a podcast, but frankly, times are too fucking sad to be podcasting. I live in America. It's horrible over here. You guys in the UK can live your beautiful lives, you know, getting your pandemic under control. I am getting ready for a civil war, your pandemic under control um i am getting ready for a civil war so i'm glad that i could take some time out of my anxiety to judge this show okay thanks everyone bye

thanks jenny for that you got the points wrong totally got it wrong totally got it wrong i did literally scramble a bit of scrambling backstage there, Paul. Have we sorted out? We've recalibrated her interpretation of the points scores. It was very obvious. It was very clear. I mean, I can see it there. Right there.

It's not like it's one of those Gannon's fuck-ups. It's very clear, right? Well, I don't know. It's very clear. Paul, at this point, only having heard two of the judges' recordings, deliberations, and one of them didn't get it. At this point, only having heard two of the judges' recordings, deliberations. Live deliberations. And one of them didn't get it. So whether or not it's one of your massive explaining the rules fuck-ups.

It's a Word document. It could be. I sent. What if, with all the information. But I reckon some other people might not have. It's very fucking likely now, isn't it? Yeah. So let's fucking just point out that. Let's have the next one.

The five tracks that she chose the first two got three points the next two got four points and the top one got five points and all the ones she didn't mention

got two points so it's a nice even spread so no one's dragging behind. Fucking hell! We'll see. Now let's

fingers crossed the next guest judge will understand your arcane and complicated scoring system. Well let's find out because the next guest judge will understand your arcane and complicated scoring system. Well, let's find out, because the next guest is a very clever chap indeed. He knows all about quantum physics and shit. Oh, really? Yes.

And he's also well known for being known as Ninja Brian in the phenomenon that is Ninja Sex Party. And if you know Ninja Sex Party, you know them. If you don't, they are a crazy good comedy music band. It's all that whole group of people, isn't it? It's all them.

We're off the internet and we're popular and we've made a proper business of it and we're sitting in your living room. So anyway, I asked Brian,

a longtime friend of the show, he's peered in a few episodes before, to call in live and give us his deliberations and points. So let's go over now to Brian again in Los Angeles and say, Brian, what are your scores for Eurovision 2020? Hello, everybody. My name is Brian Wecht.

I am a musician from Ninja Sex Party and Starbomb, and I am a former theoretical physicist. from Ninja Sex Party and Starbomb, and I am a former theoretical physicist. I've been, to say, really impressed with the hosting and the show so far would be a severe understatement. This is possibly the best thing I've ever done or seen. It's just astonishing. Just simply astonishing. So coming in at the bottom, sadly, my two pointers are Fruit Salad by Paul Byrne, The Dance of the Flatulent Beast by Elodie Cunningham, The Feeling When Noodles Hit Late at Night by Pumpkinhead, Peak Meatus by Brody Mossman, and That Magic Touch by Chris Easton. Of these songs, these two-pointers, I'd like to give a special shout-out to Fruit Salad by Paul Byrne for being maybe my least favorite song ever. Just genuinely upsetting to me.

I really, really did not enjoy it at all. If I could have given it fewer than two points, I absolutely would have. But it was very, very clear in the rules that that was not acceptable. So really great work, Paul. That was a tough one to get through, and it's only a minute and 16 seconds. So you're playing with fire there. My three-point choices are The Jerk by Travis T, Sauce Life by Morgan Keating, Waltz of the Colored Blocks by Seth Seabolt, and Robot Mind by Dylan Brinkley. Of these tracks, I want to pay particular attention to Waltz of the Colored Blocks.

Very, very cool stuff. I actually, I really, really liked it. The vibe was excellent. Very cool stuff. I actually, I really, really liked it. Uh, there, the vibe was, uh, excellent, very cool sounds. I wish that track had gone somewhere, which is why it didn't go higher.

But, uh, I thought there was some really, really interesting stuff happening there. Uh, my four pointers are shaking my ass by dang it. My four pointers are shaking my ass by dancing faders, AKA Alex Wells,

copy paste, love, hate by LJ Goody and the cheese moments debacle. Uh, I don't know how you British guys say that, but, uh, debacle debacle.

I've always said debacle by, uh, Connor Howard, the cheese moments debacle by Connor Howard. I really actually on this, these were all great. The four pointers, uh, something to love about all of these were all great. The four pointers, uh,

something to love about all of these. Uh, this might be a, uh, an unusual choice. I'm curious if anyone else rated it this high, but I really loved, uh,

the cheese moments debacle. Uh, it was cool. It was discordant, got kind of a loungy thing going on. Uh, had a very sort of Neo jazz influence. I thought it was really,

really interesting i and i was expecting to hate it given the title a really really bad title cheese moments debacle uh but a rather excellent piece um the other two in this uh the shake my ass and copy paste love hate just really really fun interesting tracks i also do want to uh on the, on shaking my ass, I want to call out one of the longest fades in a song I have ever heard. It took the better part of a minute. It took almost a quarter of the song, about a minute of a four-minute song, to fade out at the end. And that is, that's ballsy. That's a big choice.

Okay. ballsy that's that's a that's a that's a big choice okay my winner my highest scoring choice for five points is between by chris wetherill and so this song is just great like it i really loved it i love the playing uh i love the the performance it's, but not trying too hard. It really hits a really nice balance of catchy, fun, smart, kind of stupid, but in the best way, and just great. I love Petwing. That's

it. Congratulations, Chris. I love what you did. Alright, everybody, this has been Brian Wecht, aka Ninja Brian from Ninja Sex Party. Thank you so much for having me. And it was, as I said, uh,

this is probably the most important event I have ever been or will ever be a part of. So thank you to cheap show for, for having me on. It is, uh, an unparalleled honor. Bye.

Thank you, Brian. Thanks Brian. Thanks, Brian. So he got the points. Yeah. He got it right. He used to be a theoretical physicist. Physicist, yeah.

It's all numbers, Paul. It's all numbers, baby. I don't know what you know about physics. I know nothing about physics and numbers. Yeah. There's a lot of numbers in physics, baby. Yeah. Yeah.

A lot of numbers. Give us one. Ten. That's a big one. You cheeky monkey. Right. So we're going to crack on with the scores, and then halfway through we're going to give a count up of where we are in the votes.

Okay, well, I can say there's a clear leader. So far. There's a lot of people nipping at his buds. I mean, nipping at his tail. Not his buds. They'd have to be in front of it. Come round and nip at my buds. Come round the front.

Nip at my chunky buds. Chunk my nubs off. And the nonsense started. Right, let's see. We're going to go on to our next judge now. Chunk those nubs off. Back when I worked and lived in Southampton, I got to know a very, very, very man

called Damien St John. And Damien St John was a radio presenter and a bit of a good comedy writer. He fucked his name when he went to Damien St John. Damien St John. An old friend of John is a radio presenter and a bit of a good comedy writer. You fucked his name when you went... Damien St. John, an old friend of mine and a radio presenter and a comedy writer. Fucking say it fucking properly. And he's got a new comedy podcast about wrestling, which I'll put a link into the description. Kind of all wrestling.

It's kind of like a fake... Including competitive wrestling. No, it's like a fake comedy. Well, tell me, what does this podcast include? I don't know completely. You don't... It's a narrative thing you move your mouth it's so information light your your speech mate can we just crack on with the voting to take more scores can we go we're going to go over to live to southampton now where damien's waiting to join us and give us his scores damien how are you doing

what are the scores like come in damien helloien. Hello, Cheap Show listener. I'm Damien St John, radio presenter and creator slash host of podcast sitcom... Wrestling with the champ. Thank you for letting me be part of your Ryan Vision. I'll be doing the following judging sitting down with the trousers around my ankles. Not unusual for me doing a podcast with the window cracked wide open. for me doing a podcast with the window cracked wide open. The five tracks I shall award 2.2 are Petwing by Chris Wetherill. My notes say it was London Beat-esque.

Track number two, to get two points, The Cheese Moments Debacle by Connor Howard. It was a pure slice of 16-bit aviary jazz. Third track to get two points, The Dance of the Flatulent Beast by Ella Dee Cunningham. It felt like watching the Joker, watching Loose Women while we're all on acid. Fourth track to get two points is Fruit Salad by Paul Byrne. I think, Paul, you just gave it away too early. There was no tease in there. And the final track to get two points, Copy Paste Love Hate by LJ

Goody. It was like Stephen Hawking guesting with the French musical duo Air. Right, next, four tracks getting three points. First up, Shaking My Ass by Dancing Faders, a.k.a. Alex Wells. Alex, lovely effort. It was like Kraftwerk meets Rock Me Amadeus. I really enjoyed it. Well done. Second track getting three points is Peak Meet Us by Brodie Mossman. Brodie Mossman.

Or Mossman, depending on whether or not you're a superhero. I like the slightly late night Channel 5 vibes. The context of where the clips were taken from is slightly lost on me, but I really appreciated it anyway. Mind you, most things are lost on me. The third track to get four points is Source Life by Morgan Keating. Loved it, Morgan, like the music from a Treeball Soft Mints advert. The fourth track to get three points,

The Feeling When Noodles Hit Late At Night. For the title alone, wow, what an effort by Pumpkinhead, which felt like a snuff film interpretation of the Who's Pinball Wizard. Right, to the big stuff, the three tracks that will get four points from me. Number one, That Magic Touch by Chris Easton. It was like Jarvis Cocker on holiday on the Orient Express. Number two, Robot Mind by Dylan Brinkley. Loved it, Dylan. Really enjoyed it. It felt like the Codemasters loading music. And the final track to get four points, Waltz of the Coloured Blocks.

Say that carefully, by Seth Seabolt, which reminded me of the incidental music from John Pertwee's Doctor Who. If I've done this right, one track getting five points. The Jerk by Travis T. A travesty. Oh, I've just got it. Everything you could want from a song on Cheap Show. It's like Frank Sidebottom.

It's like Mud. It's like Bad Elvis cover band. It's perfection for me. It's exactly what I was looking for when I dived into Urine Vision and I'm glad your track is all over my face. And that concludes the voting from the Damien St John jury.

If you want to find me, I'm on the Twitter at Damien St John and if you want the only scripted wrestling comedy podcast on the internet, search for Wrestling With The Champ. Yeah boy! Thank you Damien! Thank you Damien! Yeah, boy. Thank you, Damien. Thank you, Damien. See, he got the points

right as well. He certainly did. Not that difficult, is it, Jenny? No. Just read the word document attached with the files.

Paul, as she said, she's worried about the outbreak of a civil war in America. Yeah, she is in a very volatile country right now. And they had an earthquake a few days ago.

What, LA? Yeah, some part of South, North California. Jesus Christ. What, LA? Yeah, some part of North California. Jesus Christ, Paul. Your bum is itchy. Yeah, it put me off my thought. Anyway, we're going to roll on. Thank you, Damien.

You should have seen how deep his finger went, straight in the crease of your jeans there, all the way up, knuckle deep through his jeans. Call him Black Label. Right, come on, let's get this party started. What? Let's get it starting what black label what's that got to do with this calling black label i don't know itchy

bumhole right so we're going to go to our next celebrity now should i just do these bits no i'll just do them and i'm in charge of your vision no i'm not having you stomping taking my glory i can just do it paul anyway the next one is from suze keppner in london suze keppner an incredibly talented uh artist she can sing she can dance she can tell a joke she can do all kinds of drugs she did she doesn't do drugs you just said drugs didn't you what did you say i did not you're being weird stop talking about things i think someone do a bit someone dosed the drinks in the green room, I think. Mate, the green room now. It's not the green room.

It's the brown room. Vomit-collared room. It's the brown and yellow streaks room. It's the with blood. Ew. Mucus. Bam mucus. Anyway, with that intro, let's hand over to Suze Kempner.

Come on, Suze. Save us. Save us, Suze. Suze. Call in, Suze Kempner. Come on, Suze. Save us. Save us, Suze. Suze. Call in, Suze Kempner. Hello, Cheap Show. It's me, Suze Kempner. I have been on Cheap Show.

It's great. And I am a comedian and a writer and a singer. And whatever you're doing in your envision, well done. It's going really well so far. Some beautiful experimental music that I have been enjoying a lot. The standard of everything has made me cry so many emotions. Well done. Well done. I have comments for every song that I have heard in Eurovision.

Copy-paste had a lovely 80s Steve Strange feel, but also Microsoft Word feel. So it was like if Clippy was a mean guitarist and I just wish the vocal was as beautiful as everything else. In Shaking My Arse Ass, it had Eurodance realness it was serving. I imagine that the eight minute mix does great in clubland, but it was a bit migraine-y. Fruit Salad was very sexy and interesting in its messing with rhythms. It was also mercifully short peak metis was a stunning encapsulation of all that is magnificent about cheap show and it had a real why didn't i leave this party when i had the chance vibe petwing had backstreet boys levels of production and beautiful singing also like the backstreet boys everything i've ever wanted from a song about Cheap Show.

Robot Mind zips along with a gorgeous 16-bit vibe and a romantic robot. I love this robot and his mind. Source Life featured fantastic late 80s beats and bass mixed with a classic Eli moment. Waltz of the Coloured Blocks was a hypnotic exploration of how coloured blocks truly would waltz. Synths have never felt so real, and the dissonance at the end made me worry so much about the blocks, and I hope they're okay. That magic touch is by far the coolest entry in the competition. Nice chill vocal with a handsome vibrato and a catchy chorus. The cheese moments debacle. I felt the cheese, the moments and the debacle all at once.

And that's all I have to say on that. Dance of the Flatulent Beast was terrifying. Like 1997's Croc on the PS1 gone disgusting and it was magically transportative. The feeling when the noodles hit late at night, less a song, more a feeling, which is fine, but it left me feeling I wanted a song and noodles. The Jerk was the jolliest song of all. So feel good and Elvis, a modern classic with an old feel.

And now here is how I am awarding points in Eurovision. Suze Kempner awarding points in Eurovision. I am giving two points to The Dance of the Flatulent Beast, The Feeling When Noodles Hit Late at Night, The Cheese Moments Debacle debacle and peak meters two points three points go goes to fruit salad sauce life shaking my arse ass and copy paste love hate four points are going to robot mind is the robot single please the magic touch w Touch, Waltz of the Coloured Blocks, and The Jerk, which means I am awarding my five points to Chris Weatherill's Petwing. Chris Weatherill's Petwing. Five points.

Great song. Best I've ever heard. And that concludes Suze Kempner. That's me, my input. Thank you for having me and well done to everybody. And now back to your hosts. You can follow me on Twitter

at Suze UK, S-O-Z-U-K. Keep up the good work. We're on stage. Let me on stage. Get off of me. of me now you hold him down freddy right welcome back everyone to the urine vision song contest paul has had an issue um he's putting on a crown now he's the king he's the king of urine vision but let's just move on we've got great guests Thank you very much to Suze Kempner for her breakdown and correct scoring, Paul.

That's two out of three have got your scoring system right. So, not doing too bad. Now, don't say anything more. Don't say anything. It's like four out of five, actually. No, it's not. I am too.

No. Right, who have we got? Someone's dosed the drink. Yes, they've dosed it and you've been rolling around in what looks like Jimmy Biscuit sputum is it on your titties hotty titties

get back from the mic come on thank you Freddie now next guest judge he's a big star on YouTube it's Larry Bundy Junior! okay thanks Paul

Hello you I'm Guru Larry I'm probably best known for doing anecdotal videos about video game history and other various forms of clickbait but you can find me on youtube.com slash Larry really enjoying this show at the moment but the most rewarding part is getting paid. Okay, my bottom five songs, each rewarding a paltry two points, goes to Robot Mind because it sounds like an audio representation

of the frustration of trying to boot up a Game Boy with a dirty cartridge. Peak Metis as it sounds like you're listening to a good song where you've got mates in the room speaking complete bollocks. Dancing Faders as it contains all the delightful tones of an angry neighbour banging on the wall wanting you to turn the music down. Waltz of the Coloured Blocks as it's quite possibly the greatest tune to endlessly repeat

the brown note. And the worst of all is Dance of the Flatulent Beast, as it's the miraculous encapsulation of the inside of a migraine. It's absolute shit, and whoever made that should be absolutely ashamed of themselves that they have submitted it. I quite enjoyed Fruit Salad, as it brought back all the memories of being bullied at school. The feeling when noodles hit late at night, that's quite a good song.

It sounds like somebody practising the guitar in the bathroom. So, that's thumbs up from me. Source Life was quite enjoyable. It sounds like a flatulent version of a Streets of Rage song. The Cheese Moments debacle was quite interesting. It sounded

like a Silent Hill soundtrack and a Ridge Racer soundtrack at a Barstead Love Child. I quite like the jerk. yeah, because it was good. Quite liked copy paste, it sounds like one of those songs that you always get recommended on YouTube and you wonder why, but yes, I enjoyed that. Magic Touch was quite enjoyable, it's very sort of beaty and sort of listening and stuff, some sort of thing you'd have on the car radio And not know what the name of the song was

And then wonder for ages what it's called But my favourite has to be Quest for the Rules P'ting P'twing Whatever you pronounce it as Yes, that was really good I enjoyed that one

Only downside is I thought it was a little bit on the short side So yes, it made it a bit longer And that would have been fantastic But yeah, that was my favourite one of the list. Quite liked Copy Paste. It sounds like one of those songs that you always get recommended on YouTube and you wonder why.

But yes, I enjoyed that. But my top five, with number five is Morgan Keating with Source Life. Number four, Elfiz Pressure with The Jerk. At three, LJ Goody, Copy Paste, Love Hate. life number four elf is pressure with the jerk at three lj goody copy paste love hate second chris easton that magic touch and number one chris for the real between between pt wing or whatever you call it that one anyhow i've been guru larry goodbye, Paul, you spoke too soon.

Because, I mean, Jenny may have made a mess of the scoring system, but Larry took the scoring system and has, you know, incarcerated it in a basement in the woods for several years. Why did I have that metaphor? I don't know.

You know what? This whole show's coming quickly off the rails. I feel like we're holding on to threads. Now, Paul. Can we explain what we've done with the voting? No, Paul. What's happened? No, let us just say one more time. Larry Bundy Jr. has taken your scoring system and fucked it up right proper.

Yeah, he did to the scores what the horse did to you last year. Yes. I remember you were feeling hot, hot, titty, hot, hot. No, no, no, Paul. Stop. I'll get my groove back, hot, diddy, hot, hot Stop I'll get my groove back So what we've done is We've given The bottom

When he voted for the two points They get two points Paul but Everyone else got three And we gave the top Between Five Right

Because he said That was his favourite song But then he goes on To list the top five Doesn't matter He toasts me It was very explicit In the Word document

I'd hoped people had read that said one track would be awarded five points, three tracks would be awarded four points, four tracks would have been awarded three, and five would have been

awarded two. It's simple, yes. I understood it, Paul. Thank you. Now, just be aware, judges coming up, celebrity judges coming up may also have disregarded.

I know. Or maybe for comic effect, done it on purpose and ignored your score. It's a serious issue. Yes. So how are you going to deal with that? We're just going to play it by ear. Roll it as it goes, all right? I've been taking the scores down.

That was very hard, Larry. Right. Our next contestant judge was a co-host with us on Digitizer, as well as Larry, to be fair, and Biffo, who'll be coming up a bit later as well. I bet he's done the scores wrong. But we've got Octavius now. Octavius.

Joining us from the internet. Octavius, come in, Octavius, and give us the scores for your revision. Your envision. Gee. the internet. Octavius, come in Octavius and give us the scores for Eurovision. Eurovision. Gene. Hi, I'm Octavius King, otherwise known as that lass having the constant mental breakdown with cat ears. I'm very, very

pleased to be asked to judge this year's Eurovision contest. Yes, I think of myself as a musician too, so this really is an honour. And I think of myself as a musician because I have a guitar and a troubled past. And an alcohol problem. It was really, really hard to give points to these tunes because they are all pretty banging, but I have tried my best. There has been such a wide range of different musical styles.

Listening to all of these at once has felt a little bit like a fever dream, made even worse, of course, by the presence of Paul Gannon. Just joking, Paul, I love you really. All right, starting out with my least favourite tunes. Now, they're not my least favourite because they're the most rubbish ones. It's just that, you know, I needed to choose some for the purpose of this, you know, competition and the points and everything. Dance of the Flatulent Beast, two points.

I mean, I can tell that this was a pretty good musical composition, but I just, I can't handle anything to do with bodily functions. I'm really sorry. Also, the fact that it sounded like really creepy as well, that just freaked me out. I had this image of just a cloud of gas floating around an old abandoned mental asylum or something. I was going to have nightmares forever.

Peak meet us, two points. Peak meet us. Why is that so funny oh oh god it's pygmytus oh it's pygmytus oh that sounds like a phrase that needs to be used in in just general day-to-day life oh it's it's Pygmatus. The Jerk, two points. I did like this one because it told a story, but it did sound like an advert. I mean, it's not as annoying as Go Compare or something like that, but I can definitely see it being used as an irritating jingle over a soda stream or something. Fruit Salad, two points.

You just have to listen to it to find out why I only gave it two points. No offence, but that was fucking awful. Sauce Life, two points. This song was going quite well until the lyrics started and then it got very, very creepy and I never ever want to hear it again. Here are the tracks which I am awarding three points to shaking my ass three points I mean this is this is a belter like the the music is

it's a belter this this is when it's starting to get a little bit hard to work out which is going to be awarded which points because this was a belter uh it's just that it didn't have a message to convey, I suppose. No, I'm clutching at straws here. That feeling when the noodles hit late at night, three points. It basically just sounds like I remember it feeling when I was stoned that one time. Probably explains why I've never been stoned since. But it was nice. Petwing, three points this one sounds like a song which would show up on one of those forgotten hits

of the 80s cds that you sometimes get in asda that's not a bad thing it's a nice smooth track that magic touch three points what i really enjoyed about this song was the fact that the lead singer sounded like he'd just woken up, which is my perpetual state of being, so I found this song very relatable. Here are the tracks which I'm awarding four points. The Cheese Moments Debacle. Four points. What I enjoyed about this track is that I at no point knew what the hell was going on. It was kind of like a roller coaster, so, you know, I like music to do that.

I like music to make you think, where am I? What am I? What am I doing? And where does my future go? Robot mind, four points. The lyrics don't really have a lot to say, but they don't need to say much.

I mean, you know, you look inside a robot mind and you're finding a robot mind in a mind and you'll find it. Copy paste love hate. Four points. This one is absolute textbook stock music. That's what I like. Bit of stock music. Cheeky bit of stock music. Pop it in the lift. Pop it in your bedroom. Pop it in your loo. You know, it's unanimously easy to listen to. Waltz of the Coloured Blocks, five points. This was a hard decision to make. You know, this is big stuff. This is serious. This is the Eurovision contest. But I've given the most points to Waltz of the Coloured Blocks because it feels nostalgic, given that it's called Waltz of the Colour Blocks. Makes me think of Tetris.

Also, I liked the fact that it sounded a little bit like an organ had been, you know, thrown underwater. By an organ, I mean, you know, one of them ones that's got keys, not a cock. No offence to anyone who has keys on their cock. Well, thank you very much, Paul and Eli, for entrusting me with the responsibility of being a judge for this incredibly important music contest. I've been Octavius King. Happy listening. Thank you, Octavius. See, it's very simple scoring.

Yeah, she got it. Bang on. Bang on. So thank you for your contribution. We must catch up and get you on the show again soon. Yeah, she got it bang on. Bang on. So thank you for your contribution. We must catch up and get you on the show again soon. Yeah, absolutely. So, Eli,

at this stage of the show, how are the scores? Give us a... They're looking fine. Do you want to give us a rundown? Well, you know what, Paul? Your system of... Your communist system

of avoiding, you know, what? Anyone getting fewer points has made it incredibly boring for me. I'm just, look at this.

Look at this. Look, everyone's just got loads. Everyone's a winner, baby. Come on, man. Come on. It's terrible. Do you want to dig the points so far? All right.

Copy-paste has 23. Nice. Shaving my ass. My ass. Has 19. Oh. Fruitaven My Ass. My Ass. Has. 19. Fruit Salad. 18.

Peak Metis. 15. Petwing. 29. Oof. Robot Mind. 22. Source Life.

19. Waltz of the Coloured Blocks, 25. Magic Touch, 21. The Cheese Moments Debacle, 21. Flatulent Beast, 14. Noodles. You haven't written the whole names down yet. I know, it's just the Noodles Night thing, isn't it?

How I feel after putting noodles in my... Look me meters. That song has 17. Okay. Jerk. Yeah.

What was that one called? The Jerk. The Jerk. 22. Well, what a fascinating, fascinating scoring as it stands. But anything can change

on our next half of votes. And so... Oh God, I'm not going to be able to fit them on the fucking paper, Paul. scoring as it stands but anything can change in our next half of votes and so oh god I'm not going to be able to fit them on the fucking paper Paul well what everyone gets two million points

you know what I mean everyone gets five million points right well anyway we're going to have enough paper to write it down I'm going on to our

next judge now and I asked Ash Frith to come back as a winner of last year and give points now everyone's done about six, four to six minutes. How dare you? Contract. Contract. I can't get out of it.

He won last year. He gets to be a judge this year. If he had a stables, he's got the horses with him, does he? Yeah, I don't know. No, they've all been put down. I am off my pit. They've all been in the green room. The green room looks like the film The Green Room, funnily enough, right now. People are holding their guts in and blood everywhere. Anyway, I asked Ash to do this, and he did it,

and he's given us 15 minutes worth of stuff, and I'm not going to make you listen to 15 minutes, so I'm going to cut this down. It's just the... I'm not... Ash has crossed me! All right. You crossed me. Calm down.

So let's go over now to Ash Frith. The bridged Ash Frith Oh the bridged Ashfrith Yes Take it away Ash Hello there listener Ashfrith here Co-host of the show

That's what I'm saying I'm the co-host I've probably been on You know 75% of the episodes I should imagine Unless Paul's edited me out I'm not sure how it works really

Stand up comedian Music connoisseur, creator of the hit single Sexy Euro Baby, which you'll all remember from some time ago. Absolute honour to be invited to be here for the Euro InVision Song Contest. Some absolutely tremendous songs, some brilliant entries. Incredibly proud of the listener. What a talented bunch that we have, apart from a couple of you. But mainly, I've massively enjoyed listening to it. I put far too much time and effort into listening to these songs

and really genuinely thinking about the scoring system. So I'm hoping everyone takes it seriously as I do. But congratulations to everyone who entered this year absolutely brilliant the feeling when the noodles hit two points i love hearing someone who plays the guitar the jerk two points now this is a song about soda and a soda jerk. Dancing Faders. Two points. I couldn't shake off the question throughout listening to this song that I didn't know what class it was that they were supposed to be attending. Because I don't have that information I'm afraid it is only two points from me. Fruit Salad.

Two points. Sexy Fruit salad, two points. Sexy fruit song, what is not to like? Everyone likes a sexy fruit song, two points. Waltz of the Coloured Blocks, two points. It's instrumental, it's just two points. Copy, paste. Now, this song seems to do exactly what it says on the tin three points peak meters three points you don't know what's going on it's just pumping into your ears you're

all confused and hot and sweaty you're in a panic three points robot mind three points i don't want to look into the robot's mind here for me great song three points source life three points now i love this song fun bouncy three points that magic touch four points this sounds like early blur to me four points the cheese moments debacle four points i when i'm listening to this i imagine i'm sitting in a soho bar four points the dance of the flatulent beast four. This is the soundtrack to my mind. P.T. Wing, five points. This, to me, is Cheap Show, your envisioned song contest, perfection. Five points. I love it.

Really, really enjoyed being asked to be a judge. Thank you so much for having me. What tremendous songs we've had we've got bananas up the bums we've got shaking arses we've got robot minds we've got fever dreams we've got just references to the show i absolutely loved it i can't wait for the the quality is only going to get better and better they've set the bar so high here. It's been an absolute honour and a privilege to be asked to be one of the judges. Thank you so much for having me. Okay.

Well, you had to hear only a small bit of that, but we had to hear all of his clever little moments and motivations about the songs. Fancy being judged by him. Fancy, imagine being judged by him. Fancy, imagine being judged by that wreckage. Right, Paul, I think... Something's wrong with the drugs. I think maybe... Something's wrong with all the show.

Yes, you've done some drugs backstage, blah, blah, blah. Right. Right, okay, I thought I'd drive a bit of drama into it. You haven't, though, have you? No, not at all. It just gives me a bit of acting, doesn You haven't though have you No not at all It just gives me a bit of acting doesn't it Oh I'm acting

I'm on drugs man Come on mate I'm on my fucking mad for it On the drugs man Come on mate Half a dime of biscuits Come on man I can do you a tab

Half a dime of biscuits I can do you a tab of Bolly Wolly Come on Come on mate Right anyway Let's go on to our next judge. And our next judge is a big old friend

of the podcast. You're envisioning. Come on. Energy. Come on. Hang on. Oh, my God. He's not.

Mad for it. Mad for it, fella. So, here we go. Stop it. How's about that then? Now then. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Do not wreck. The next judge. The next judge is Mr. Biff, now then. Oh, no. Oh, no. Do not wreck. The next judge. The next judge is Mr. Biffo. Mr. Biffo, star of MTV and This Reality Life. Mr. I'm gone, mate. You've gone. Mate, I can't do it.

No, okay. I need to sit down and introduce it. The next, here on your envision, the next. Do it. No, you can't. So, the next celebrity guest here on your envision mr biffo everybody uh mr biffo over to you hello paul and eli from the sunny capital city of luxembourg this is mr biffo with my points for the urine vision song contest 2020 been loving the show

think you've done a wonderful job of hosting and may I just say you're both looking very glamorous tonight. Here are my points for the entries. The feeling when the noodles hit late at night, nil pois. Waltz of the Coloured Blocks, two pois. Sauce Life, two pois. Peakgmatus, 2 points. Fruit Salad, 2 points. Robot Mind, 3 points. The Cheese Moments Debacle, 3 points. The Dance of the Flatulent Beast, 3 points.

Copy Paste, 3 points. The Jerk, 4 points. That Magic Touch, 4 points. Shaking My Ass, 4 points. And Between, 5 points. that magic touch four power shaking my ass four power and between five power and those were our points good luck with the rest of the evening and i'll see you all in 2021 oh biffo biffo biffo biffo biffo biffo you got the points wrong got the points wrong what's this what's this so hard, Biffo? Welcome back, everybody. You're in vision. What's this so hard?

Thank you very much for that, Mr. Biffo. You got the points slightly wrong there. I'm Mr. Biffo and I wanted to give something nil-poir. Nil-poir. Funny, innit, Biffo? Paul. And now, for our next celebrity guest, it's none

other than the keeper... Biffo! Biffo bastard! Paul. Don now, for our next celebrity guest, it's none other than the keeper... Biffo! Biffo bastard! Paul. Don't you look at me. I'm looking at you because you're... I am the king. You're not the king. I'm the king.

King of what? King of your envision. No. Can you just go back to the green room? I'm going to just do the rest of the show. We've got results coming in. Yes, we've got results. Doop, doop, doop, doop, doop. No, not fucking source report.

There's no source. That's probably a problem. Have you seen the state of the source in the green room? Yeah, it's all over Lady Plop's tits right now. How can we call ourselves a source-based podcast and then have a green room with just ketchup? And it's not even Heinz. No, but it is all over Lady Plop's.

It's Daddy's. It's all over everyone's tits right now. Daddy. It's all over everyone's tits right now. Daddy's ketchup is all over everyone's tits right now. Daddy's ketchup is on Lady Plops' tits. Are they rubbing it in? Yeah.

What, and the nipples are getting hard? Yeah, yeah. And what else? Is it crusting? It's been crusting. Is it crusting? Yeah.

And she's slapping it. She's slapping mayo. Is it a poultice? It's a mayo poultice. She's slapping a mayo poultice. Okay, good, Paul. Good. Now, calm down.

We have to get through this. Mate, if I fucking found out who spiked the fucking green-green goodies, I've got to fucking kill them. You weren't spiked, Paul. You ate one of Teen Yeti's psychoactive winnets. There's something in the drinks. You've eaten. You've got bits of winnet all around your mouth.

It's not winnets. It is. It's not winnet it is it's dried yeti poop I can tell I've got to do another scores look there's hair there's white hair

there's white yeti hair sticking out the bits of poop all round your mouth you're jealous I am a bit you're fucking off your head

right this results now we're not having the results we have to have Rhiannon Rhiannon. The keeper of the cheap herself.

I was going to do one. Yeah, and your envisioned connoisseur, we asked her to send an audio in. She couldn't, but she sent an email and points, so I'm going to do it. Here we go. Here we go. Hello from Skye. No, Paul.

Scotland calling For those who don't know I'm able to prevent my point. Get off me. Get off me. Take the fucking car. Right. Sorry about that, everybody. This is the message from Rhiannon.

Okay. Hello from Sky. Scotland calling. For those that don't know, I'm Rhiannon. Yes. Thank you, Rhiannon. Okay. I'm the organiser of the awards.

Hopefully coming later this year, they will be, and we've got something very special planned for that. A live stream of the award ceremony. Due to reasons outside my control, aka last-minute shift changes, I'm unable to present my points in person. But I'm sure Paul and or Eli can announce the results.

Thanks, Rhiannon. I and... I didn't like the look in Paul's eye. He's really gone off it. He was going on about ordering horses or something. Like he was like, stables. He said, call the stables. He was shouting.

Well, anyway, overall, I was very impressed with the standard of entry submitted thank you so dishing out the points took some time however i do have a complete set of results and those are as follows now she's done a beautiful very scientific grid this is what we wanted from all of our celebrity uh judges really so she's got in the first column two points and then I just move my eyes across to the other part of the graph and we have with two points each, fruit salad, robot mind, dance of the flatulent beast, waltz of the coloured blocks, the feeling when noodles Coloured Blocks, The Feeling When Noodles Hit Late At Night. The Three Points section starts with Shaking My Ass by Dancing Faders, Peak Meters, Brodie Mossman, Source Life, Morgan Keating, and That Magic Tush.

Then we have four pointers here, Copy Paste Love Hate, The Cheese Moments Debacle, and The Jerk, Then we have four pointers here. Copy, paste, love, hate. The cheese moments debacle. And the jerk. And the winner, between Chris Weatherill. Thanks very much for that, Rhiannon. And we are going now to our next celebrity judge. Here is Ethan Lawrence, who is a stand-up and actor.

Ethan, you there? Thanks, mate. Now, pull! Lawrence who is a stand-up and actor. Ethan you there? Thanks mate. Now Paul! Hello Paul, Eli and the Cheapskates. Ethan Lawrence here, star of Screen. You may know me from such shows as Bad Education, Afterlife, Dot Martin as well as maybe some others but today as an actor I'll be taking on the role of guest judge. Now, I've worked with some of the biggest names in the industry. Jack Whitehall. But none come bigger than Paul, Eli and Cheap Show.

So I must say how grateful I am to be asked to take part. And before I get to my points, I like to congratulate everyone uh who sent in a song it was an absolute joy to listen to all of you but unfortunately i can't give you all maximum points uh because that's the way the game works but i would if i could i promise you without any further ado my points are as follows my five two two-pointers are Fruit Salad by Paul Byrne, Peak Metis by Brodie Mossman, Sauce Life by Mork & Keating, The Cheese Moments Debacle by Connor Howard,

and The Dance of the Flatulent Beast by Elodie Cunningham. My four three-pointers are The Jerk by Travis T, Waltz of the Coloured Blocks by Seth Sebald, Robot Mind by Dylan Brinkley and Copy Paste Love Hate by LJ Goody. My three four-pointers are the hauntingly visceral That Feeling When the Noodles Hit Late at Night by Pumpkinhead, the gorgeous Mike Skinner-esque Beauty of the Magic Touch by Chris Easton and, hmm hmm I ummed and aahed for a while between which of the next two should receive top honors but in the end I went with my heart and I chose the song that most made me wish I was in Reykjavik

watching the Netherlands send everyone into clouds of bassy spoff with this song reflecting the true spirit of your envision so my final four points go to the funky, memorable and wickedly fun Petwing by Chris Weatherhill. And my winner, taking five points straight back to Amsterdam, is shaking my ass by dancing faders. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, etc. I hope you're all enjoying the show. And back to Paul and Eli in the studios.

Ethan Lawrence out at Ethan D Lawrence on Twitter. Follow me, y'all! Thank you very much for that, Ethan. It's all hotting up. We're almost at the moment of truth. We find out who the Urine Vision winner is

on Cheap Show show this year 2020. come on let me out no come on mate let me out i have not jumped anymore you are i'm not drunk i'm just silly no you can stay in there i'm being a bit silly no No, you're not coming out. You're going to ruin it. Make it... I know you make it that you don't care. Paul. And if you want some more with it... You all need to sober up in there. Ladybops is doing ping pong balls.

You're pooping. Shut up! Shut up in there! Sick of this! Just ten more minutes, alright? Hi, I'm here. Shut up! Right, so next... Sorry about that, everybody.

Down to me, I guess, now. The next celebrity guest. You know him from YouTube. And Barshans. Well, that which was on YouTube. Fucking hell. The next celebrity guest on your Envision tonight is Ashton's. I'm going to go over to Ashton's now.

Ashton's, can you hear me? Hello, Astor Ashton here. I got all the results in from Narfuk, and I'm going to tell you what they all are now. There was a right good standard of entry. That's what this piece of paper says I've got to say. So I'm going to say there was a right good standard of entry. That's good. Enter.

Right. So the ones that only got two points because they were a little old squit i didn't even write them down to be honest something about meters and waltzy blocks and cheese moments and something about a man singing about sticking like fruit up his bum and about that noodles instrumental i don't know they get two points. Then for the next ones, what get three points each, we got The Dance of the Flatulent Beast, The Jerk, That Magic Touch and Source Life. Then for the ones what get four points, that's the way it works. Enter. That's close enough. As copy paste love hate. Shaking my ass.

And robot mind. Now you see. Copy paste love hate. It was kind of my favourite of the musics. But I didn't think it had nothing to do with Cheapshoe. Because like in the file name. That said Cheapshoe edit. And that made me think that was ripped for something else and they just like made it shorter or something so number one with all the

five big points as patwing by chris wetherell that's patwing by chris wetherell that's a fucking banger that is i could have danced to that down on Ritzy's on a Friday night, but that's clues now, isn't it? So, thank you very much, and that was the results from NARFAC for this year. Are you doing it next year? You haven't said nothing. I shouldn't have said that and goodbye Richard hello sorry to call you so late but I'm just calling to say I

kind of cocked up on the voting this year and we forgot to record your segment for this week's Your Envision sorry you didn't recall me no we just forgot to record your segment for this week's Your Envision. Sorry. You didn't record me? No, um... No, we just forgot to record your segment. You made me listen to it. You made me listen to all those songs. All those songs!

Twice! Not once, twice! Yeah. And then you... ...make me score them, judge them as if you can differentiate between any of them... Yeah, I know. And then you phone me up and you say... ...you're doing all the editing. I bet you didn't forget... ...but you didn't forget Ashton's, did you? No, we definitely didn't forget Nick Helm, either. You didn't forget the important people, did you? No.

Just me. Matt the Invisitor. Well, it's just... Largely forgettable presence in the show, so I just wanted... I'm making up for it... I want to apologise now. Just so you wouldn't be in this week's show. I just... I mean, so, like, so I did all that judging. Did you count my scores, at least? Well, no, because we forgot to add them, didn't we, to the, er...

Well, scores... All my scores meant nothing. My scores mean nothing. No, well, they don't... I mean, we can still put it in the show if you want. I can still drop them in, if you want. Yeah, I want everyone to know what I thought about their stupid songs. Don't worry, Paul, then. And the stupid idea you came up with for the stupid show. We'll just drop it in, then. You stupid idiot. Who's the stupid one, Paul? Who's the stupid one? Is it me, the one who did everything I was told? Or is it you, who forgot about me entirely

and has had to phone me up to apologise but not really apologise? You stupid idiot. All right, well, I'm sorry. It is you. Yes, it is me. All right, I'm fine. All right, whatever.

I won't ask you again to do anything for us, all right? Yeah, don't ever ask me to do anything again except, obviously, I will come on as a guest again. But don't ask me to do anything like this again. You're a bloody idiot. I'm sick of your excuses. Hello. Richard Sandling here.

Award-winning comedian, actor, content maker, writer. And may I say what an absolute pleasure it is for you to have me here. I am really enjoying the show so far. I'm particularly enjoying the increased sexual tension between Paul and Eli, which seems even more electric this week. And to be honest, I just don't know how much longer I can sit here on tenderhooks while the will-they-won't-may aspect of it all plays out. I'm also enjoying their continued ability to let everything pass and not get bogged down in pedantic semantics and having to correct the other's mistakes.

And now the songs. Well, Jesus. I mean, I don't know what I was expecting from a cheap show audience. If anything, this is more restrained than I was anticipating, though I am pleased to see people committing to raw heartfelt emotional content, scatological themes and lots of German daft punk doing discarded goblin demos for incidental film music. I believe that all art should be encouraged. Well, legal art. You know what I mean. So I don't like to be mean to anyone who has taken the time to actually create something, even if that something was this. So please bear in mind that this is nothing personal and you are all winners in my

book and stars in my eyes, but that's not how Cheap Show have set it up. There must be actual winners and actual losers, so don't hate the player, hate the game. And remember, if I score your piece low low it isn't because I think it's rubbish so much as it's just nowhere near as good as the much better ones I will not be giving anything a special mention I am just going to give you my scores I hope that is acceptable and so two points the five for two points are fruit salad by Paul Byrne Peak Metis by Brodie Mossman Robot Mind, Dylan Brinkley Sauce Life, Morgan Keating

and The Dance of the Flatulent Beast by Elodie Cunningham The four for three points we have The Jerk, Travis T That Magic Touch, Chris Easton Patwing, Chris Wetherill Copy Paste, Love Hate by LJ Goody And now my three four-pointers. Ooh.

The feeling when noodles hit late at night by Pumpkinhead. Shaking my ass by Dancing Faders, a.k.a. Alex Wells. And the Cheese Moments debacle by Connor Howard. Which means, with a whopping five points, my song of the competition is Waltz of the Coloured Blocks by Seth Sebald. Congratulations, Seth. As far as I'm concerned, you are a winner.

Thank you for having me part of this incredibly worthwhile and meaningful endeavour. You can find me on all social medias just by googling Richard Sandling. S-A-N-D-L-I-N-G. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Welcome back. Urine Vision 2020.

It's hot, hot, hot. Eating up the competition. We've got our talliers tallying. Paul? Yeah? You okay? I'll be good, boy. You're going to be a good boy?

I'll be good, boy. So you've wiped the... Sick. And... Ketchup. And... Mayo poultice off of yourself. No, you're not going to be good, are you?

I'll be good. No, you can't be shush. It's our last judge. I'll be good. Don't shush me. Shush. I'm trying to hold this shit together like I did last year. Shush.

Yeah, you held it together, didn't you? I didn't hold my arse together when I was... Being invaded by seven huge horse cops. Nay, Mr Wilkes. horse Mr. Wilkes don't start with the horses don't trigger me with the horses alright it's our last guest it's important this is

superstar guest I know so let's give it the grace and gravity therefore you're going to say beans I'll give it beans I'll give Nick beans he can hell my beans. Paul, we need to get to the end of this. He can help my bean machine.

And then you can have a fucking well-deserved lie down. Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. With a cuddly toy. I'm sorry. Maybe a banana. Banana? Are there any left in the green room?

Any food? Is there any food? There is, but it's all in Freddy Goon. Oh, right. So he's eaten a lot food? There is, but it's all in Freddie Goon. Oh, right. So he's eaten a lot, has he? No, it's all in Freddie Goon. Oh, it's in the other end, is it? The bubble.

Okay. Right. Freddie Goon's meant to be doing security. He's very hard downstairs now. Is he? He's mostly full of pineapples and bananas. What? What do you mean downstairs?

They put a banana in his moustache. You mean at the back? Downstairs at the back? Yeah. If you go round the back, there's a lot of fruit. It's right around the back hard downstairs. They said a lot of... How is it hard?

Just because it's rigid? It's just because it's full. Right, it's got our final guest. It's our final celebrity guest. I'll do trumpet. Ladies and gentlemen... Nick Helm. Oh Oh the audience have gone You noticed that

Actor Comedian Nick Helm Musician I've got an apple in me arse You've got an apple in your arse You've got an apple in your arse as well have you Yeah

Well it's a bit of payback Times that by a thousand And that would be seven horse cocks. You know what I said when they put the apple in my arse? I went, core! Punstopper. Where's Punstopper? Punstopper is back in the green room.

He should have stopped that. Is OD'd? You OD'd? What happened? I watched it happen I just stood watched it happen we need to call an ambulance

for Punstopher there's no point now well she should she's probably alive now because he's got that power he's got that super power no Queef Hoffa's in there

Queef Hoffa whatever he's called in this incarnation Queef Hoffa has been passing around Mellon Berry Mrs Mellon Berry Queef Hoffa's been

passing around the Queefs and getting everyone high. Is this a new superhero? He's gotten everyone high off his Kweef belt. The Hoff has got the Huff. Has the Huff gone Huff? Mate. Has the Huff gone Huff? All you need to know is backstage, they're animals.

Fierce animals. Is the Huff back there? No. They're all mad back there, mate, and they're all coming for you. Nick, Nick, can we go over to Nick now, please? Nick Helm. Nick. Shut up for you. Nick, Nick, can we go over to Nick now, please? Nick Helm. Nick. Shut up, Paul.

Nick. No, the final celebrity guest, Nick Helm. Nick. Nick. Shut up. Hello, Cheap Show. It's Nick fucking Helm here and I am a guest judge

and everyone knows I'm pretty much overqualified to be doing this but i'm doing it nevertheless uh so thanks for having me it's nice to finally be on cheap show in some capacity uh during these covid times so uh the standard of the fucking songs was incredibly high. There were 12 songs that I thought were excellent and there was only one that I hated. And I couldn't really even pick who was the number one spot. But I've made a decision. And my decision is final.

Because I am the judge. So, under the two-point slot, sadly, there has to be an absolute last place. And I hated this song. I hated it. And that was Paul Burns' Fruit Salad. Just bloody awful. But at number 12, I voted The Jerk, which by this point, it was all much of a muchness, you know. I thought The Jerk was fine.

Didn't hate it. But something's got to come. Sort of, I mean, this is technically it's the last one because i don't even count fruit salad as an entry but i have to give it two points um the 11 is the feeling when noodles hit late at night by pumpkin head again i thought it was absolutely acceptable uh but there were just ten better tracks. Number ten was The Dance of the Flatulent Beast. I loved it.

I thought it was absolutely great. Great ending. But, you know, again, something's got to give. Number nine was Robot Mind by Dylan Brinkley. Again, I thought all of those tracks were absolutely fine. There was just, you know, eight better tracks. Again, I'm not counting Fruit Salad. I thought that was bloody awful.

I hated it. Hated it. I'm not going to lie. I absolutely hated it. But then we get to the three-point category. But then we get to the three-point category. The three-point category. So for three points, I am awarding The Cheese Moments Debacle by Connor Howard.

I loved all of the songs in this. I thought everyone had done so well. Paul Burns' Fruit Salad. in this in in in the i thought everyone had done so well paul burns fruit salad i mean that will forever haunt me in a way but uh again it's hard to it's hard to it's hard to you know tell other musicians because i'm obviously a talented very talented musician myself it's very difficult to sort of like judge other musicians and rank them on their merits but uh everyone's tried so hard but the cheese moments debacle by conor howard is at number eight shaking my ass by dancing faders aka alex wells again i loved it very long track and i was told that i didn't have to listen to them all the way through it once we'd passed the 90 second mark I listened this right to the end and

I enjoyed every single moment of it peak meters at number what's this six is Brodie Mossman peak meters Brodie Mossman. Loved it, again. You know, I mean, I listened to Fruit Salad quite early on, and I was sort of like in a bit of fear that the rest of the, you know, standard would be incredibly low. But as I say, this is really just kind of like I started with my favourite and then the others have been categorised like that. But I would give every, I would give, I don't think you've given two people five points, but I would have given everyone else, you know, maybe four points.

But Pete Meeters gets three points. The Magic Touch by Chris Easton is the final three pointer. Again, absolutely, absolutely loved. Every single, you know, I just don't know what it was about fruit salad. Maybe it was the recording quality, or it just made me feel deeply, deeply uncomfortable on almost a religious level. Now we're into the four-point category. almost a religious level. Now we're into the four-point category. And coming in at number five is Source Life by Morgan Keating.

I thought this was absolutely wonderful. I thought it was wonderful. I loved everything about it. There was no mention of fruit, and it was great. I don't know how to pronounce this one. Petey Wing, Petwing, is it Petwing? By Chris Wetherill.

I thought this was an absolute standout classic. It was a stone cold fox. It's got such a fucking, I'm gonna say a funky groove i uh i thought it was brilliant and this is technically this is my number two uh but um uh because i loved it so much and i think the the the final two are kind of like equal but the uh final one in the four points category is Waltz of the Coloured Blocks by Seth Seabolt. I give that four points, but I thought it was incredible. And I, you know, I've got to say that when I listened to it the first time, I thought this is fucking good. And then I realized what had happened was my iTunes had accidentally skipped to the Virgin Suicide soundtrack by Air.

And I realized my mistake when I started recognizing. I mean, I thought it was Goblin at first, but then I realized it's Virgin Suicide by Air. And then I skipped back and then I listened to waltz of the color blocks and yeah i and i still you know i still enjoyed it even even with the you know the comparing it to air and my final pick for the five points is copy and paste copy paste love hate by LG Goody. What a fucking song. One of the longer songs, 2 minutes 44, but I just thought it was genuinely, genuinely from one fantastic musician to another. I thought that was my pick. It was that or the waltz of the coloured blocks,

and it's just got in there. But there's only one thing that gets five points, and that's copy, paste, love, hate, and I fucking, I fucking loved it. I'm just going to get the door. Hello? Oh, my God. How did you find me?

How did you find me? Thank you, Nick. Brilliant as me? Thank you, Nick. Brilliant as always. Thank you, Nick. And that's it. The results are in. Oh, I'm excited. It's time.

You're excited, Paul? I'm excited. I can't bear it. You can't bear it. I can't bear it. I think I'm coming down. I think I'm coming down. I think I'm coming down.

You're coming down. So what happens? I've never come down off drugs before. I'm coming down. I think I'm coming down. You're coming down. Is that what happens? Bad. I've never come down off drugs before. I don't know. You are not on... This is the extent of your acting, Stone. It's very good, isn't it?

I'm coming down off drugs. What I'm trying to find... I've been on Molly Molly. Paul, what I'm finding difficult here is believing you. So I need to act as well as if you're really out of control. You're just making the mouth noise again. That's what you've resorted to. You want me to give you something more real for the drugs.

All right, okay, go. Coming down. Paul, I need to announce the winners. I need to announce the winners. Paul, I need to announce the winners. We've got to get through this. We've got to get through this. Shut up.

Daniel Bedingfield. Go and stand. I'm going over here. Go over here. Just stand by the side of the stage, okay? And you can come out. Do the awards? Yes, we just have to get to the end,

and then you just stand there, yeah? Okay, you're just over there thank you oh sorry about that you're in vision 2020 cheap show right we have the winners uh we have the awards now and i'm going to let you know we've got they're all winners they're all winners and let me say again, thank you. The quality was outstanding. We have several acts in seventh place. With 30 points apiece, all of the entries in seventh place are as follows. We've got The Dance of the Flashulent Beast, Elodie Cunningham, Peak Meet Us by Brodie Mossman,

and Who Could Forget Fruit Salad by Paul Byrne. I like fruit salad. Do you? It gets Cheap Show Special Award for Nonsense. Okay, good. It gets a special commendation. I think it's the most cheap show song of the song. It is, yes. It very much embodies cheap show, complete, sort of creepy.

Everyone gets a medal. And fruit salad is probably the most descriptive of what's actually been going on in the green room during this recording. It's like almost he saw the future. There's lots of bananas up people's arses, are there? Cumquats, pineapples, grapes, raspberries, peaches, nectarines.

How about throwing some nuts? Brazil? Yeah, Brazil. Throwing, come on. Pistachio? Acorn. Name a vegetable. Eli Silverman. Paul, just stand over there.

Do it. Stand by the side of the stage. Do it. Thank you. So those were the seventh place acts with 30 points each. Moving on. In sixth place with 31 points, we have The Feeling When Noodles Hit Late at Night by Pumpkinhead. Lovely, bit of a mood instrumental piece there by Pumpkinhead. Lovely, bit of a mood instrumental piece there

from Pumpkinhead. In fifth place with 39 points, The Cheese Moments Debacle by Connor Howard. Paul, what are those? No, put those away. It's nothing. Don't get the keys out. It's nothing.

The Cheese Moments Debacle in fifth place. Well done, Connor. Fourth place with 40 points. We have several acts on the 40 points level because of the scoring. You've got The Jerk, Travis T. The Waltz of the Coloured Blocks by Seth Sebald. I would like to give that a special mention. Really love that with its radiophonic vibe and melancholy.

Robot Mind, also in fourth place with 40 points by Dylan Brinkley. And then I've got Shakin' My Ass by Dancing Faders. And that was also in fourth place. Paul, you're not going to... I've double locked it and I've got the other one. You're not going to be able to get that open

and I don't know why you're doing that. You're going to unleash hell. They should come out and have the party out here. I don't think why you're doing that. You're going to unleash hell. They should come out and have the party out here. I don't think so because this song is we're going to announce the winner and they all should be in the show. I have to call the police as soon as we finish this recording and we have to get all of the characters incarcerated because there's been crimes.

Crimes and coprophilic poo eating. I didn't see that. You ate one. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's why you like this. Oh. You've eaten Teen Yeti's oldest wagoner. Was it even juicy on the inside at all?

No. It was like a white dog poo. It was just a bit crunchy. It was white Yeti poo. Yeah. It's good, though. Good shit. Yeah, it was good shit.

Good shit. Good shit, right. In third place with 42 points, Magic Touch. Chris Eaton. I'll give you Magic Touch. Second place with 45 points, we have Copy Paste Love Hate by LJ Goody. And Paul. In first place with 57 points, it's Betwing by Chris Weatherill.

Betwing is the winner. Paul, stand back! Come on in to the party! Oh, I think I've got too high on my own winnit. Everyone was eating my winnit. Oh, look, there's the mic. No one's... I'll just have a little freestyle over here. Yeah, you're a pagnant.

I'm a splendant. I get all the she-yetties. Pagnant. I'm the teen yet. You got your bean wet and I'll flick it like a big winnie, I'm teen chance to play Terminator. Stop or I'll do you. I am the ghost of Pun Stopper. Don't do drugs, kids.

I'm a ghost pun stopper. Right. At last, I've been released from that dungeon. Now, I will be Queefhoffer again. I've inflated myself with a magic queef. And here I go. I'm rising above the chaos. Oh, God, I've never seen no deprivations like that, mister. Oh, call Blimey, governor.

Mister, I've lost it. Oh, crikey, there's a lot of poo-poo on the stage, mister. Oh, mister. Right then, come here, you naughty boys. It's going to be chopping time for you. You're going to end up in my lovely farm. Chip-a-chop, chip-a-chop, chip-chop-chip, come here, you naughty boys. It's gonna be chopping time for you. You're gonna end up in my lovely farm. Chippy chop, chippy chop, chip chop chip, come here. Someone spiked my goodnesses.

Oh, who spiked my turd, Grumble Cooley? Someone catch that. Poor Uncle Grumbly. What's going on here? Who locked me in there? What's happening here? Who's that? Who's that huge man? You know what? I'm hallucinating my ass off. And it's doing something to me.

Doing something to me, everybody. I'm getting so hard in the downstairs area. Oh, my God. The spiders. The spiders are coming at me. Oh, they're the spiders. I'm a failure to my wife. I'm a failure to my kids.

I'm a failure to the law. Oh, the law. Oh, titty-titty law. Oh, no. It's got to go on. I got to get that. I got to get the brand off. They lost the signal. Those boys. Titty-titty law. Oh no, it's gotta go on. I gotta get that. I gotta get that brand off. They lost the signal. Those boys. I gotta get out of here.

I gotta get out. I gotta get out. I gotta get out. Jimmy Biscuits, come. It's gone right through me, those winnits. Squishy, quick! Who is Squishy Jim? Oh, Lady Plops can't take this. Lady Plops is losing her royal mind.

Where is Squishy Jim? Oh, Squishy Jim. Oh, I can't take this. I'm getting out of here. Lady Plops, where here. Lady Plops. Where is the Lady Plops? Follow me. I am your God King. Paul, get off me.

Come on. It's time to party. Big finale. Get off me, you. I see it. Between, between, between. Fucking Paul. Between, between, between. What's going on?

Come on. I'm going to take off all my clothes. Come down from there. I'm taking them off. No, come down between, between. What's going on? Come down from there. Come down from there. I'm taking them off. Come down from the balcony. I'm taking them off. Hey! No, I will not eat that, Winnet. I will not eat that, Winnet.

Eat it in your mouth. Join us. Join us in the Eurovision gods Oh that's a very fast acting Win it It's a good win it I'm getting It's a good win it

Oh what's going on Actually it feels very good All these characters Clawing me All the characters Clawing me We'll go in the green room I'll go back in the green room

It can't be that bad Isn't it It can't be that bad In the green room I'll just go in the green room. It can't be that bad, isn't it? It can't be that bad in the green room. I'll just go in the green room. Let me join us in the green room. Perhaps I'll meet you. Perhaps I'll have my own fruit salad. Eli, guess who's in the dressing room waiting for you?

Oh no. It's happening again. It's absolutely happening. Right. Paul. Paul. Come on. Put some music on

or something. Come on, baby. Just play something. I've got to deal with all of this. Go on, then. I'll put on. Ladies and gentlemen,

playing us out, your Envision winner 2020 is Chris Weatherall with Petwing. Bye, everyone. Bye. Come on, let's fuck it off. I've got to get off. Your Envision winner 2020 is Chris Weatherall with Pertweening. Bye, everyone. Bye. Come on, let's fuck it off. No, I'm really...

I don't know what's back there. I don't know what's out there anymore. I don't know... I can't go there anymore. We'll see you next week. They don't know the price Or who will get it right We can only guess Who will be the best Rip it off the tag

Gonna drop it in the bag Did you get that in a store? Or did you find it on the floor? Eli's got this down But Paul is making ground We say between We say between We say between we say between we say

between never think so cheap can't wait until next week we say between we hope you've

enjoyed that episode of Cheap Show just a little bit of fun there just a little bit of comedy it's all just fun and games

we're fine Paul aren't we we are fine no we're actually on a level fine absolutely we're just it's all just a performance it's all just fun and games. We're fine, Paul, aren't we? We are fine. No, we're actually on a level fine. It's us performance. It's all just a performance thing. We're letting it all hang out. But we did want

to say, sincerely, thank you so much to all the contestants for sending in some fantastic music. Yeah, Morgan Keating, Alex Wells, LJ Goody, Chris Wetherill, Brodie Mossman Seth Seabolt

Connor Howard Dylan Brinkley Elodie Cunningham Pumpkinhead Chris Easton Paul Byrne and Travis T thank you all

for your contributions you've made this episode happen with your talent and time so thank you and again to all the judges we don't need to name them again thank you for all the judges

who took part try and get the scoring right maybe you can simplify the scoring I don't see why out of the 13 guests only 3 of them got it wrong the other 10 that's a good batting average for the proof of my points system being fine you believe that

adds a little bit of comedy to the show anyway it's what Cheap Show is it's all just a little bit of fun so thank you again for supporting Cheap Show patreon.com forward slash Cheap Show if you enjoyed this and want to support A little bit of fun. So thank you again for supporting Cheap Show. Patreon.com forward slash Cheap Show if you enjoyed this and want to support what we do. But other than that, thank you again. See you next week, boys and girls.

Okay, next week. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Hello? Paul? Eli? Paul? Is anyone there? Listen, I'm calling to do my... Hello? I'm calling to do my last bit, where I do the sponsorship thing. Is anyone there?

Magda, not now! Magda? I told you to go and... Pissing on and limoing... Seating. Right. There's nothing going on. I don't know what's happening. Ruff ruff.