CheapShow - Ep 193: The CheapShow Awards 2020: The Brandoff Connection

Episode Date: August 28, 2020

CheapShow Presents another EPIC episode of the Economy Comedy Podcast... And it's the one you've been waiting for! The magnificent "CheapShow Awards 2020", returning for a 2nd illustrious year! This year, the boys have gone all out and hired a special venue from a nefarious source, brought a certain cryptid rapper out of retirement and there are many special guests along the way. Who will win "Best Insult", what was the year's best "Tales from the Dancefloor"? and what did the Cheapshow audience vote as "Best Episode of the Year"? Find out in this VERY special episode! It's the podcast event of the year... Unless you are Grumpy Sessions. He wants to watch something very different on the TV instead. With thanks to Sonny Liston Smith (https://m.soundcloud.com/sonny-liston-smith) for his work on the song in this episode And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-193-cheapshow-awards-2020 If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Podbible Interview: https://podbiblemag.com/2020/06/12/a-special-cheapshow-celebration/ MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Paul is writing a book! Want to help make it happen? https://unbound.com/books/ghosts/

Hello, you're through to Grumpy Sessions. I'm not here at this moment, but if you'd like to leave a message, I'm an artist and performer, and I will play any role, please. Dear God, please be work. And leave the message at the tone. Hello, Mr Sessions.

This is just the gas board calling. We tried to call round earlier today to read your meter, but we got no reply. We'll be coming around the following Thursday. Please be in. Thank you very much. We can get a reading for your next bill. Oh, no work again.

Oh, well. I'll just have to do something else. I remember my phone used to ring off the hook. Grumpy, they'd say. Grumpy, we need you short notice. We've got all sorts of roles for you. And I used to play man in hat. Second man in hat. Bloke. I used to play man in hat. Second man in hat.

Bloke. I used to do good bloke. I gave good bloke. Oh, well. I guess I'll just watch some telly. See if there's an old movie on or something. Oh, I've got the TV Times. It's the new one.

I've got here. Okay, let's see now. What's on tonight? Oh, it's the Cheap Show Awards Oh, great, maybe I might have I might be mentioned, I've appeared on that show before Maybe they'll do I'll get my Lifetime Achievement Award at last

I might be recognised Oh, this is exciting, I'll turn it on now Where's the squeegee? I'll put the squeegee where I put the... Oh, Crumpy. Oh, Crumpy, where have you put it, you silly old fuddy-duddy? Oh, here it is, underneath this cushion. OK, now, where's that?

Oh, no. Live on Cheap Show TV. It's the second annual Cheap Show Awards 2020, isn't it? Broadcast live from the luxurious Richard Brandoff's Piss Limo Gentleman's Club. So without any further ado, let me bring on the two young lads who are hosting the awards tonight. You know them as the host of Cheap Show. It's Mr. Eli Silverman and Master Paul Gannon. So let's begin the 2020 Cheap Show Awards in 2020. Awards show.

Hello. Yes, welcome to this very prestigious night in cheap show history it is the cheap show awards 2020 as voted for by you the cheapskate listening audience my name is paul gannon and i'm eli silverman hello there paul how you doing not too bad now we have been gifted a luxurious place to record this year. None of that fucking ropey pub shit from last year that left me with 12 stitches in my cock. Did it? Right up the length of it. Really? Yeah. Someone tried to attack me with one of those bowie knives

and I got a big slash right up the shaft. This isn't canon. It is now. You're trying to outdo my horse rape. No, I'm not trying to do your horse sex. You are trying to steal an idea from the urine vision episode. The whole point of this to steal an idea from the Urine Vision episode. The whole point of this convoluted format that we're embarking on is that we're not trying to be like the Urine Vision episode.

But that still happened. We still got mugged at the end of that episode. We got mugged. No one bowie-knifed your cock. They did. They did. Do you want to see it? I'll show you it right now.

Oh, I've seen it. I'll show you the scar. I've seen it all. Have you? Yeah, I did a They did. Do you want to see it? I'll show you it right now. Oh, I've seen it. I'll show you the scar. I've seen it all. Have you? Yeah, I did a PhD on... My dick. No. Anyway.

Scarred penises. Yeah, all right. That was a much better line. All right. All right. So anyway, we are in the luxurious. It is luxurious. And look at this leather finish in this little booth.

We're recording in a little booth. A lovely leather finish. Look at the trim on that. Nice trim. It's like a neon pink trim. Very classy. We are recording tonight at Richard Brandoff's brand new nightclub. It's called Piss Limo's Gentleman Club.

There is a... I don't know if you saw when he came in, though. Well... Around the back, they've got an actual recreation of the inside of a limo. Oh, no, I didn't see that. Except it's all sort of wiped clean and it's

like there's a the roof has been removed right and then there's so it's like a fake backseat there's a hoist

up there right I think they put put people in and then they wee into whoever's in the limo

and then you just get you paid to be peed on yeah oh I didn't see that I mean I knew it I think that's

why it's called piss limo oh that would make sense yes that is the piss limo oh that is the piss limo yeah that's why it's called Piss Limo. Oh, that would make sense. Yes. That is the Piss Limo. Oh, that is the Piss Limo. Yeah, that's the centrepiece of the club.

Anyway, it's a nice booth. It is a gentleman's club for striptease acts. So as a result, we are obliged to show one of the acts off and we'll be getting a performance from Sticky Vicky again. Well, not Sticky Vicky. Yeah, she's got a new act involving mayonnaise. Oh, that's the one from the spot from Pickle? Yeah.

She works here now, apparently. So what, did she do her act before or after this Bowie knife penis incident? That was well before, wasn't it? Oh, right. Remember? I do not remember, because it didn't happen. It did happen. What, the 2019 awards happened in your life?

They happened, but no, we escaped. You didn't have... Anyway. Look, this is like Adolescent Sasquatch all over again. Anyway, we escaped. You didn't have... Anyway, look. This is like adolescent Sasquatch all over again. Anyway, we're performing tonight. We're recording our episode tonight at Richard Brandoff's Piss Limo Gentleman's Club. We certainly are.

We can't thank him enough for that privilege, even though he's currently on the run. But for now, we can use the space. I mean, we bought into all sorts of things and this is just one of the things. It's contractual, isn't it, Paul? We should never have signed that contract. We have to perform here.

We should never have signed it. He killed Ash. He killed a big bunch of our cast. But he backs us financially. What are we going to do? Nothing we can do. It's the system we live in. It's the system we live in.

We've got to work in the system. This is a horrible place. I bet this couch is covered in cum. I bet it's just drenched in the sap of old men. I bet this table's got more track marks on it than a BMX rally car. It does not. Look, I'm looking at it now. It's all very clean and nice.

How can you tell? I'm going to sniff the table. Oh, that's fanny. Oh, that's fanny. I recognise the vintage. He can smell fanny on the boot. Right, Paul. So what have we got to look forward to in the awards?

We have got ten categories of awards coming up today. We're interspersed with some amazing guests and acts. We will be talking, for instance, about the favourite tales from the shop floor story, best insult, most offensive thing, best Eli rant, best funniest quote, favourite character, best poor moment, best Eli moment, best overall moment and the grand piece de resistance award. Best episode. Best episode. That is the big finale tonight. That's the big one.

And again, it's all been voted for by you guys out there listening to our silly little podcast. Thank you. And voting accordingly. voted for by you guys out there listening to our city little podcast thank you and voting accordingly now at this point i'd like to invite uh the organizer arranger and corporate director of the awards riannon who has uh organized these awards and collated the votes and put it all together done the research done the collation done the collection she's been the pwc of the situation she's given that pricewaterhousecooperoopers? Yeah, they're in charge of the Oscars. Oh, are they?

Yeah, they look after all the awards and stuff like that. Criminals. Anyway. She's a criminal, is that what you're saying? No, I'm just saying she is... She's like a nasty corporate account firm that helps billionaires to avoid tax, does she? She's a delicate Scottish wee lass

With An interest in Medical studies Medical biology She graduated Yeah Congratulations Congratulations

But anyway And thank you for collating The details We're now going to give A small segment of this show Up to her As she's prepared A little speech

Don't say give it up As if you actually Like as if you resent it Ah I just fired An elastic band In his eye And where did you find He's prepared a little speech. Don't say give it up. As if you actually like, as if you resent it. Ah! I just fired an elastic band in his eye. And where did you find an elastic band in this nightclub? It was underneath the couch.

Yeah, what couch? The booth we're sitting in. Listen, mate. You need to fucking get your world building hat on, yeah? We're trying to convince them we're in somewhere. Hang on, let me get my world building hat. Here we go. Is this it? Wibble wobble, wibble wobble. Oh no, let me get my world back. Here we go. Is this it?

Wibble wobble, wibble wobble. Oh, no, that's not it. That's my talk nonsense hat. Hang on. All right, get the different hat. He's got a huge, huge suitcase. Here's another one. Full of hats.

Oh, oh, oh. What's this hat? Brexit, Brexit, politics, politics. That's your politics hat, is it? That's my politics. Oh, I better take that off. Paul, I don't want you to put the hat on anymore. Good world politics, politics. That's your politics hat, is it? That's my politics hat. Oh, I better take that off. Paul, I don't want you to put the hat on anymore. Good world building, though. Anyway, it's now time.

And now in a world of hats. You've introduced a bunch of hats into this world of ours. And that's world building. So I'd like to be proven wrong. So now we give our little bit of a show over to Rhiannon out, where she's prepared a speech for us. And here is that speech. Take it away. Hi, Rhiannon here.

And I just want to say thank you once again to everyone who got involved with the awards, be it through nominating, voting or just spreading the word. So many of you got involved this time round and it was lovely to see. I apologize for not being able to record something in person once again, but due to working nights, I've not had the time. So hopefully Paul will get a robot to read this out on my behalf. Your guess is as good as mine as to how this show plays out, but I hope everyone enjoys it nonetheless.

Oh, and congratulations to all the winners. Thank you, Rhiannon. Thank you, Rhiannon. Thank you. Those important words mean a lot to us, for without you, none of this would be possible No So let's crack on

With the show Mr. Silver Let's crack on Or did you want to do That tired bit About how we got here tonight Did you want to do That bit now Yeah

Alright How did you get here tonight Mr. Silverman No I got a taxi I got a bus Good stuff Good good So listen Throughout the night It's not just awards We are going to be Taking you to the stage good stuff good good so listen

throughout the night it's not just awards we are going to be taking you to the stage where there will be performances we've got so many performances

but we've got a big one it's a huge one to start us off tonight it's a big deal this is an artist who's been well away from

the spotlight for a number of years and he's he's really got his act together I think Paul I'm excited about this I saw him warming up earlier yeah the professionalism

just the energy the energy the eagerness to please the smell of the wagon nuts dragging all over the stage ladies and gentlemen without any further ado I think he's ready to go

let's go over to the stage now and please welcome for the first time in a long time a new performance from Teen Yeti. Teen Yeti back for 2020 it's the player from the Mount Gropans Himalaya. I got all my scribbles here in tow so I hope you brought fresh skiddish to the show. All you clay cryptid rappers out there gonna put my big foot right in your derriere but let's not talk about me for a second I want wanna talk about something terrible that happened

ASAS I think about you every day, ever since Brandoff stole you away I know we didn't always creatively agree, but now I wish I had you back for real gee On that train of pain that came was insane, and then that bully boy burned off put me in the frame now I'm back on the scene and the crowd says hooray and I cost half a minute for you every day oh this is terrible oh I don't like all this electronic noise oh oh I wonder if there's anything else on oh let's see this is Oh, there's a film on. Jimmy Biscuit in the Brandoff connection. That looks excellent. I'll just switch over to that.

Chief, chief, I'm going to need backup. I'm chasing the suspect. He's driving down the road on the North Circular of London. That's right. Oh, no, he's driving like a madman. I'm trying my best. He's shooting at me. Oh, he's shooting at me now. Oh, no. He's driving like a madman. I'm trying my best to eat shoot at me Oh, we should happy now. She get me back up. Yes. They beat ASAP sw80 now

Oh God. Oh my God look out. Oh, no mind those school kids crossing the road Oh God I just missed him within an inch of my mind. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, look out for the, he's driving straight through the zoo. What a mad man. Oh my God, this is the most thrilling car chase I've ever seen or been in. Oh my God, oh, look out, there's two guys

carrying a large plate of glass. Oh, you're right, I can't believe you went straight through that! He's a bad guy, this guy! Oh no! Oh, you gotta be joking me! He's heading straight for the fireworks factory! Oh no, no! Humanity! This is the most terrifying chase

scene in any movie! Oh God! Oh my God! He, look out. Oh, my God. He's driving like a psychopath. Oh, no. Oh, no. Don't. You can't do it.

Don't drive through the joke shop. That's it. I'm going to have to perform some mean manoeuvres. Here we go, I'm gonna skid in front of him. Oh no! That's it, get out the car. Get out the car now buddy, get out the car. What? I ain't done nothing, what's this all about?

You know where he is. I don't know nothing. I'm Tumpy. Yeah, I know Tumpy, but you know where he is. I don't know what you're talking about. Tell me where Brandoff is. Wow. Wow.

I mean, I've said before, I mean, I've been a critic of Teen Yeti, but that was an epic track. He's just, he's taken all of the elements, Paul, and he synthesized them into something new. It's just, it's breathtaking music. And I honestly hope his comeback is as successful as he deserves. And he's shown remorse there for what happened as well.

He really did. He really did. So after that performance all we can do now is crack on with the awards. So we're going to do three right now. Let's crack it.

Crack one off and crack on. So do you have the award this year? Oh, it's in the other... What's it called? What did we call it? It was the Dusty Bin thing, wasn't it?

It's not the Dusty Bin thing. We called it? It was the dusty bin thing, wasn't it? It's not the dusty bin thing. We called it. It had a name, like the Oscar or something. Was it the cheapo? The cheapo, yeah. Was that it? The cheapo. Shall I go fetch the cheapo out of the taxi?

I've got the taxi waiting. Yeah, taxi are going. It's on the business account, so that's fine. Are you going to be able to get a bus home tonight? No. I'm sleeping in the street. Well, you could ask. Maybe they'll let you sleep in the piss limo.

Oh, all right. I'll ask. As long as there's not a show before or after. Well, he is opening the club later, so... Right, I'll... Brandoff said he'd be coming back later as well. What? He just said he might pop by.

How can he pop by? I don't know. He just said he might pop by. Anyway, it doesn't matter. Go get the award. He's not in the country, Paul, surely? I don't know. It's just what he said to me in the email.

Did you hear when he called into the award show? No,'t know It's just what he said to me In the email Did you heard him When he called into the award show No I know He's in I think My theory is in somewhere Russian Mate I don't know

Oh you have to go get something Go get the cheaper award And I'll set up the first award Oh you'll set it up will you Yeah Efficiently Without you meddling Go on

Piss off Go to your taxi Don't listen No one can fucking see it. What's the whole point? This is weird. All right, well, let's just pretend this whole episode is nothing then, all right? Yeah.

Oh, it's your fucking words. You want to hold the thing in your hand. Yes. All right, I'll get it. Bit of realism. So, hit with the first of our awards this year, the Cheap Show Awards 2020. The first category is favourite tales from the shop floor. And we have five finalists.

And from least successful to winner, I'll read out the stories. Oh, and he's brought in the Cheapo Award. I'm holding it in my hand. Tink it, tink it for them. There you go. It's not very good, is it? Hang on, do it again. No, it in my hand. Tink it. Tink it for them. There you go. It's not very good, is it? Hang on. Do it again.

No, it's still shit. Yes, our winners can be walking away with that tonight. And considering the winners are me and you, then one of us will be taking that home tonight. Everyone's a winner, baby. Everyone's a winner, baby. So here's the first category. No.

We know where that's going to go. It's got a slot. And you will... I will... You will... Look at slot. And you will... I will... You will... Look at it. And then... See if I can rub my mate's face.

Right, okay, good. So the first category today, favourite tales from the shop floor. Here are the results. Now, did you explain? Yes. What Tales from the Shop Floor even is? Tales from the Shop Floor is a section of the show

where you, the listener, sends us, the podcast, a story about something that you've seen or experienced whilst working or visiting a shop of some type. Do you know what, Paul? I think it's a universal experience of people who work in retail that people shit in shops. Our studies have shown that that tends to be a very popular occurrence. And then, not too far behind, Spoff.

And dying. And shit. We said shit, didn't we? We said shit already. behind, Spoff. And dying. And shit. We said shit, didn't we? We said shit already. I don't know. It's just a shit-based show, isn't it? It is. Right, so here are,

in reverse order, your favourite Tales from the Shot Floor stories in fifth place. Kid wetting himself after being shot in the face with a Nerf gun. Episode 156.

I vaguely remember that. Vaguely remember that. This is mostly the source going, did we do this? I don't remember that Vaguely remember that This is mostly us going Did we do this This is it I don't remember In fourth place One spoon through the floor

Whilst taking a shit Now that one I do remember Remember there was a person And it was like a half built Office space And you were taking a shit And then like all of a sudden

A spoon popped up I literally And like they were using The spoon From below To look up at Whoever it was Is undercarriage.

Oh, really? Oh, you were looking at the reflection? Yeah. And going, oh, spoonie juicy gum gums. Weird. Yeah. In third place, Tesco's Precum John, episode 129. Don't know what that is.

Oh, this is terrible. We don't know what our own show is. No, but to be fair, we're close to 200. Tesco's Precum John? I know. I don't think that's an official job title. Was someone spunking in a Tesco's?

Maybe. Someone must have. Did Pre-Come John once visit a Tesco's? How can it... Pre-Come John is a character. Second most popular is Ashen's one

from episode 105. That's where she vices over her vagina. What? That's the one where someone comes in to get their PC fixed and there's a photo of a lady with a vice.

Oh, God. And he came up with some awful excuses to explain away. Oh, I don't know who put that there. Oh, mother. That kind of thing. Yeah. All right. But the most popular.

No, what it was, Paul, I'm sorry, I've remembered, is someone said, oh, there might be some like... Something dodgy on this. Slightly dodgy. And it was like this woman opening her vagina to the largest extent possible with some kind of like specially built vice. Spatula thing. A vice with a crank.

Yeah, what do they call it when a woman goes for a smear test? A speculum? That kind of thing? Mmm. Mmm. Metis compumpuli. What? I don't know.

All of a sudden the words metis compumpuli reallyculi. What? I don't know. All of a sudden, the words metis compum sponculi really appeal to me to say. So, would you like to take a hazard guess, hazard a guess, as to what you think within the last year? The nation's favourite... It would have to be an episode

in the last year. Yeah, obviously, because it's this year's awards, so the last 12 months. So, what do you think from episode 138, if that helps at all, which it doesn't,

what do you think the story is that people voted their favourite tales from the shop floor? Is it the guy who fell over in his own sick? No, it is the Cheryl and the necrotic leg hole. Of course, how could I forget? Everyone's favourite episode. One of the most off-putting things I've read. Ever. And the letter I read it on, I felt dirty for using and touching.

It was really grim you know what really got me about that story she shattered us when he said I allowed myself to have a good vomit

like yeah the smell of rotting flesh and spunk must have been unparalleled oh I don't feel

very good but anyway Cheryl this one's for you love this one's for you darling he's This one's for you, darling. He's brandishing the cheapo there. I am. And Cheryl, keep doing what you do, love.

You do well. Cheryl's not with us anymore, Paul. Well, that's our first award, Paul. Yes, we're going to go straight on to our second award now, and it's Best Insult, Mr. Silverman. Now, there have been a fair few insults on the show. It might not be one of us who wins. Because other people have insulted us.

Mr. Biffo, Stuart, Ash. Everyone. Everyone who's appeared on the show has, in some form or style, offended us. Merked us out. Yeah. Fucking scum. Thrown shade on us. Yeah, how do they?

Fucking given us static. What's all that about? It'll give them an opportunity to be on the fucking show for once. You get the fucking gift to rise above your statue and enter the hallowed halls of Cheap Show. The hallowed turf. The golden pond that is Cheap Show. Here we go. So, best insult, Mr. Silverman.

Now, there have been some insults between us over the years. Certainly have. It's you that you do every episode. Fat, you call me. Ugly. Stupid, ugly. Stinky. Feck on, do you like saying? Useless, you call me. Ugly. Stupid, ugly. Stinky. Feckon, do you like saying?

Useless. Impotent. I'm not impotent. And clammy. How do you know I'm impotent? I just feel clammy now. Yeah. It's clammy in this booth.

And you look like an impotent man. Fuck off! I just don't think you can get it up for love nor money. I can get it up, my friend. Yeah? Fuck you. Go on then, prove it. What's it all... Well, no one likes Yeah? Fuck you. Go on, then. Prove it.

Well, no one likes it. I bet you don't win this. I bet one of your stupid insults isn't going to fucking win this. I insult you a lot, but it's always your random, you're just a spoffy box in a covered in boxy box. Yeah, I bet one of those wins. Yeah, I bet it is. So shut up. Right, so let's just do it.

There are five nominees again in this, so let's go through them now. I can't. Do I get to read any of these out? Do you want to read this one out? Yes. All right. Best Installed Award here on the Cheap Show Awards. It's exciting.

In number five, in fifth place, Paul, whenever you drink, it looks like you're taking your last breath. Yeah, I remember saying that to you because it's true. Well, that was your one. Yeah. It doesn't say, but that was yours, wasn't it?

It is. What? Number four. Stump-handed cunt goblin. That's definitely one of mine as well. It says Eli. Maybe you said that then. Yes.

Oh, I'm not a stump-handed part of her. I don't know, but I seem to remember calling you stump-handed. No, this next one, you see, I said you stump-handed

cunt goblin, but that wasn't quite as good because in number three, this next one, you see, I said you stump-handed cunt goblin, but that wasn't quite as good because in number three, as your insult, Paul, you fat-minded, stumpy-fingered, creatively bankrupt cunt. I'm proud of that one.

It's got a nice pace to it, nice rhythm. And in second place, best insult, you look like every single member of the cast of Al Fiedersen. That was yours. Oh, that means I haven't won this In first place

Had a strong showing Let that be said In first place For best insult 2020 Here on Cheap Show Paul You're just a wasteland

An intellectual wasteland Interesting that that's the top one Yes I think that's untrue It's not untrue It's the truth of it That. It's not untrue. It's the truth of it. That's my one. I'm sorry. It's the truth of it. You hollow gutless void of an arsehole

filled with a thousand cocks. Boy, every time it's cock. Cock in arse. Arse. Alright. I'll do a different one. Do a different one. Alright. Now, these are the things you can't mention when you insult me now. Cock. Arse. Right. Meters. Fair enough. St when you insult me now. Cock. Arse. Meters.

Stump. Anything stumpy. Short. Lazy. Or infertile. Or impotent. Try. Your mouth looks like someone pissed into an ashtray.

How about that one? Good. And our final category. I won that. Yeah. And the final. I'm holding the cheapo award. Do you want to make a quick speech? Thank you, everyone, for seeing the truth in my insult.

Right, well, you'll be glad to know that you're going to hold that for the next award because this category is all about you because what the fuck? This is the best Eli rant. Ha ha ha. Christ, this award contains some of Eli's best bod mots. Right, here we go. Oh, there's 10 in this category. Wow.

There must have been a lot to choose from. Christ. And in 10th place. In 10th place from episode 134, just needing to have a shit in Brighton. Yeah. Yeah, fair enough. Did I?

I needed to. And number nine From episode 119 Ranting about Derek's rugs I don't remember that I must have ranted about his rugs Well obviously Otherwise Why would they put it in 9th place?

That must be in the Yeah In the second Derek story The bone hoover Yeah Oh okay yeah In 8th place Episode 156

Sentence structure During a tales from the shop floor So that's when you've had a nice rant about how someone took the time and effort to write to us and you just thought it'd be funny to destroy them. I didn't think it'd be funny. It annoyed me how their sentence was structured. Okay. Badly structured.

In number seven, episode 107, it's simply the phrase, Hello, Gandalf. I don't remember that. I seem to remember you being pissed off about being called Gandalf Oh really Which is fair enough Right in 6th place Episode 135

Your rant about how to fuck a bumblebee Yeah Got any more tips you want to add Hold the wings delicately You should be trying to save bumblebees Paul So a good way to get them to submit to you is if you put a little bit

of sugar water in a spoon let them let them suck see wait till their proboscis is going into that yeah

and then you get it out go round the back go round the back and see if you can introduce your member to the bee yeah because they're

probably concentrating on slurping up all that sugar water yeah just frobbing yeah oh what a lovely show this continues to be right so watch out for pollen on the bollocks yeah because you do get oh build up of pollen yeah oh i've got a pollen rind on my bollocks from fucking bees right good moving on oh i've got a large rind i'm peeling off my bollocks. It's a yellow pollen rind. Not your best word.

It's never my best word. Never. It's never. In fifth place, Good Mythical Morning, Stealing Content from episode 118. Those. Those scallywags.

We don't give two fucks. Next, number four, from episode 130, When You Had Your Pooey DVD Rant. Oh, that was unreal. You threw a pooey DVD at me. It was not pooey. I just put it in the toilet, flushed it,

and then threw it at you. There was no poo particles upon it. I've been cast... How do you know? Do you have microscope eyes? No, but I... Do they call you Mr. Microscope Eyes? Here's the thing.

Do you get called in? But people go, Oh, we need someone who had microscopes for eyes so he can tell if there's any poo-poo particles. Are you the national poo-poo director, detector of poo-poo with your microscope eyes? Fucking wrap it up. Jesus Christ.

The upshot of what I'm trying to say here, Paul, is you don't know. One would suppose that microscopic pieces of poo-poo will remain in the toilet between flushes and that's what you put on the water that you poured all over that dvd case and flung it at me droplets could have gone into my eyes mate can i just say on the law of averages being in a room with you sometimes and you farted i've probably been showered with more poo poo particles just being within a meter of you as you've let a fucking raspy guttural arse gas go off.

I can taste the meat of it. I can actually taste the context of that fart. I know where it went. Well, taste and smell are the same sense, essentially, Paul. So that one DVD that splashed upon your face is nothing compared to the years and years of anus fog you've sprayed near me. Oh, like you don't fart? Like, oh, you've got a sewn-up arsehole? No, but here's the thing.

You unstitched Italy? No. A little powder puff? You unstitch it, and then you go, ooh. The subtle difference. I've rested my virgin arsehole. I'm going to fucking break your legs. I've rested my virgin arsehole on a puffy cushion.

Mate, it's a subtle difference between farting and then being in a small room like the House of Pickles. You leaning away from me, arse towards me, Mate, it's a subtle difference between farting and then being in a small room like the House of Pickles. You leaning away from me, arse towards me, and letting off a fart, and I get a gob full of your arse meat. So, Paul. I'm just saying. Question. Whose award is this we're on now?

Thank you. Number three. It's not Paul rants about Eli's guffs. Is Eli rant from episode 157 at position number three is when Paul tried to ban the source report? Oh, yeah. Don't care. Don't ever try that again. Two,

the use of the term mint on car from episode 155. That should be more one of my rants because I'm sick of you using that phrase when all it means is

you've bought something still in its packaging. Yeah. It's not the same. It's a colloquialism of a term from a figure collection But the winner

Of Eli's best Comics aren't mint on card Aren't they Eli's best rant In first place Are comics not carded They call them carded With comics don't they

Eli's best rant Yes In the first position Is For episode 145 Is it called A gobble cock-a-lock-off Cockle-a-lock-a-cock-a-troid?

Is he called cock-goblin-o-bat-troid? The third? I don't know what that is. It was a brilliant rant, Paul. But when Eli uses the word troid in something, you know he's gone past the world of logic. Herendroid. He's a robot character. A bit like Marvin the

Depressed Android. Mate, do you want to make a speech called Marvin? Yeah, Marvin the Paranoid Android. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I've got a version. It's called Herendroid. What? Herendroid? I am Herendroid. I'm not having new characters being introduced this... I'm fucking... We're not doing it. We're not doing it. I am Herendroid.

Herendroid 3000. I am sick and tired of this character already. Like most of your characters, when they're new out the box, I get tired of them. Horrendroid. Oh, God. Empathy circuit broken. God almighty.

Horrendroid. Please shut up and just accept the ward off. Fuck off. Horrendroid. I'm going to let Horrendroid accept this on my behalf, Paul. Right, okay, good. Thank you. I am Horrendroid.

That's it. I hate you. I hate you so much. Right, no, thanks, everyone. Brilliant. Yes. I'll try and keep the quality of my rants. Right, well, let's move this show on then, shall we? Let's move it on.

Thank you. Sit down right there, buddy, boy, boy. What? Yeah. Yeah, you sit down right there. I want answers. Fine. Now, for the record, state your name and occupation.

I am John Croydon Tumpy. And, you know, I do this, I do that. You do a bit of it. I'm a market tradesman. That's what it says on your business card. Well, as you can see from this laminated identity card, for Bootle Hall Market, where I sell dongers, pingers, prongers. Oh, he's got some dongers.

And big jubbles. Oh, I like the j's got some dongers. And big jubbles. Oh, I like the jubbles. I've got lovely big jubbles. I'll sort you out, mate. I'll give you a special offer on jubbles. I'll throw in some dongers. Mr. Tumpy. I'll throw in a pinger and a ponger.

Mr. Tumpy. I also know that you're in the pocket. Just call me Tumpy, it's fine. Tumpy. Everyone knows me as Tumpy. Tumpy. Some people call me as Rumpy Tumpy. You know what I mean?

Yes, but I also know you're in the back pocket of one, Mr. Richard Brando. Who? Sorry? You know too full well that we're talking about the mastermind. The man who's got fingers in every pie in this town. I do pies. The man who killed my wife. The man who killed Urban Sasquatch. Suburban Sasquatch.

What's his name? Adolescent Sasquatch. Adolescent Sasquatch. Adolescent Sasquatch. Yeah, he was very good. I'm on his trail, and all those little trendles, all those little octopusy arms, all those strings, all those springs, all those pretty little things,

they brought me to your door. And you seemed a little bit itchy. A little bit, a little bit itchy when I pulled you over. Sorry, are you going to charge me with something? I've got a market store. I've got dongers that don't sell themselves. I've got men who can seize all your dongers, jingers, blubbers, flubbers, hobjabblers. My hobjabblers?

Now, come on. Your fun sticks. Don't. Bang holes. I can take them all away. Listen, don't threaten my bang holes. They're right now inside your storage locker. How did you know about my bang hole locker? Well, we've

been following you for some time. Mr. Tom P! So either you tell me now, oh boy, or I'm gonna take my badge off, take my pants off, take my top off, and beat you with my cock until you tell me the truth. Alright, it's a weapon, is it, your cock? Tell me where he is, or I

will put my asshole right on your nose. Oh, no, it's no need listen no i'm gonna do it anyway no you don't have to do that i think we should burn your stuff and i shit in your mouth how about that no no no i'm on the edge boy i'm on the edge and i want to know where he is so you tell me or you're gonna get a burnout locker and shit on your nose i'm 52 i'm not a i'm not a boy i'm i'm I call you what I want, boy. Don't stop. Little Mr. Tinker Lad.

So yeah, you either tell me where I can find Brandoff or I burn your locker out and I put shit on your nose. All right, all right, all right. Where can I find Brandoff? He can be located. Wow, enough. What an amazing performance from Mr. Biffo that was. I personally didn't think I'd ever seen his ball bag. Well, it was nice and clean.

It was very clean. I liked, you know when he put those little face pieces from the Hugo toy on his genitalia? Yeah. I thought it was very clever. I like the jelly bean act. I didn't know you could put that many jelly beans up a foreskin. Oh. It was an amazing

very good very good very brilliant we've got another award yeah we've got three new awards in this segment

now so let's crack on the next one is cheap shows funniest quote let's see how pathetic this podcast really is okay we've got

top five or top ten top ten okay and in tenth place it's licky licky funny funny from episode 141 evergreen classic

It's an evergreen classic Even I have to nod my head In deference to that one It's a simple bit of repetition And then repetition again Nonsense And vulgar nonsense And number 9

It is Come round here Go round there Again Classic Just a simple Honest to goodness You can use it in any situation

Kind of line Number 8 British man opens fire At Ghostbusters convention to simple, honest to goodness. You can use it in any situation. Kind of line. Number eight. British man opens fire at Ghostbusters convention. Eli Silverman. I don't remember you saying that. I don't. I was probably sort of gaslighting you, wasn't I? Yeah, maybe. You're going to go mad or something.

But there's still a part of me that wonders, because I'm taking this as read, if they've not just invented this shit, because we wouldn't know. We wouldn't, would we? No, I remember Licky Licky Fanny Fanny. Oh, we can't forget it. Go round here, come round there. Number seven. I don't know who this is attributed to,

but it's called, it's probably you actually. Careful, love. Your crab bucket's hanging out. No, I think that was you. Oh, number six. Was that from the crab bucket episode? Maybe, maybe.

Don't you have episode numbers with these? Not with that one, funnily enough. Okay. Oh, so let's just presume it's that one. Okay. In number six, it's a line I said in episode 129. Mate, you're treading on thin water. Yeah, classic.

It's a classic. Classic canonism. That's a t-shirt. Yes. That's a t-shirt. In number five, we're getting to the big ones now. Treading on thin water. Number five.

From episode 119. It still tickles me to this day, Matt. Number five. episode 119 It still tickles me to this day Number five Number five Derek wants to fuck a tiger Yeah he fucking does though doesn't he Number four from episode 140 Oh this is a Derek line

I realised then what I should have known They were Irish Another classic Stupid Now we're getting to the top three They were Irish Another classic Stupid Now we're getting to the top three Okay In three From episode 150

Street Child Street Child Evergreen They're all evergreen classics this year And in number two From episode 118 To see if people are stealing our ideas Will each each other's come

And see if they do it Yeah Well done I'm going to hand you the award Paul No This is the number one spot If people are stealing our ideas, we'll eat each other's cum and see if they do it. Yeah. Well done. I'm going to hand you the award, Paul. No, this is the number one spot. Oh. This is the number one spot.

It's another win for Silverman. It's Garden Golden Games and all that. Garden's Golden Games. Do you want to give us a rendition of that now? Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh Shut up! You set me off now, I can't stop, guys! Congratulations for winning that one.

Oh, I got the award. Give it. Hand it back. Thank you, I'm holding it aloft. Now for the next category, straight on. It is I got the award. Give it. Hand it back. Thank you. I'm holding it aloft. Now for the next category, straight on. It is most offensive thing said by a presenter. Who wants to win this one? I've got a horrible feeling

I've got a strong showing here, but let's find out. In fifth place is anything Uncle Grumbly says. Yes. Thank you for recognising that, people who voted for the awards. My proudest achievement.

I'm sorry. Do you know what really got me as well? In his latest appearance back from the grave in the Urine Vision Awards, the song contest. Yeah. He seems to have developed some kind of digestive problem. He was ill for more than winnets. Right. Right.

Number four. Poor Scottish or Irish impressions. How are that? That's not offensive. That's not offensive, so it isn't. It fucking is, so it is. It's a brown lick, moon lick, nick to nick. They are indistinguishable from real accents.

Top three. Whenever Eli said that Paul has to bleep out. Whatever Eli said that Paul had to bleep out from episode one, two, five. If I've had to edit it out, it means I didn't want to ever hear it again. Number two. Oh, this is from Eli. Now, admittedly, we need to preface this by saying he was quoting someone, but the line is I'll make love to you in your sleep,

little girl. Oh, that turned up in that song as well, didn't it? It did. I wish I'd never said it. But it was from a Jimi Hendrix song. Yeah, which in itself had problematic lyrics, right? Well, he's a voodoo child so he does you know he i want to stop talking right the first most offensive thing said by a presenter is paul said this in episode 140 was she farming him out all right jimmy the disabled child got a proper knobbing off i don't know what i don't know what

that means. Oh, that's almost as bad as quoting Hendrix, isn't it, Paul? And not even a quote. That's from the third Derek story as well, isn't it? Is it? Yeah. Oh, yeah, because it suggested that they were using the kid as a sex toy. Trafficking their own disabled child, Paul. That's what you were discussing.

Let's move on to the third award in's what you were discussing. Let's move on to the third award in this segment award. This is for favourite character. Ooh, this is a big one. Now, who won last time? Brandoff. Did he win? I think Brandoff won last time.

Yeah, maybe. So will Brandoff be usurped as the favourite character? Let's find out. Who do you think could? Well, it's just Max. I'm looking at the answer right now because it ruins that a little bit. Read the fucking

shit out. Here we go. Favourite characters through a 10. And in 10th place, the least most popular character, I guess, is Teen Yeti. That's the fallout from, I think, the whole train incident. Didn't come across well, did he? I don't think he

came across well. And also, I kind of think by this, he's run his course as a character possibly I am just wondering however at number 9 Uncle Grumbly yeah

I can't believe Grumbly beat fucking T yet I can't believe that Storytime Grandad at number 8 beat Uncle Grumbly yes Storytime Grandad

his whole fucking thing is that he just eats testicles not only testicles all sorts of no mostlyicles, all sorts of... No, mostly. He eats all sorts of genitals. Do you want me to get him in here?

No, no. We can ask him himself. I've done enough characters. Now, he's been proven to be a very popular character now by that award, Paul. So we'll be asking him back. Don't worry, listeners. We'll be asking Storytime Grandad. He'll be back soon on the show.

Right, at seventh place, Jimmy Biscuits. Biscuits got seventh. He's dropped down. He's not going to be happy about that, whatever he's doing. Number six is Spanish Moriarty. Yeah. I don't think he's meant to be Spanish. Spanish Moriarty.

Number five, new entry, Charity Shop Vampire. Oh, he's good. He's a good, he's a charmer. Yeah, I Vampire. Oh, he's good. He's a good, he's a charmer. I like him. Yeah, he's nice. I like to do his voice. Yeah, he's good. Good voice.

At number four. John Cuddyhole, which I don't remember at all. I think that's one of mine. Who's John Cuddyhole? I don't know anymore. Well, he's John, isn't he? It's hard to remember people's names. What was his character?

What did he do? I'm not sure. I don't know. That was in fourth place. We should have looked into this before we did this recording, Paul. I've been working nights. Fuck off. All right.

So in third place, a new entry again. It's Tumpy. Oh. Good old Tumpy. Good old Tumpy. Number two, Dutch DJs. Yeah P At number two Dutch DJs Yeah They love the Dutch DJs

Which means Unfortunately The fucking winner again This year Is Richard Brandoff Yes Now Richard Brandoff isn't here

So would you like to do Say something on his behalf Okay Thanks everyone For supporting Brandoff He's You know He's been accused of

Lots of things over the years But one thing He could never be accused of Is not being an entertaining And central part Of a horrible sexist mean cruel he's old school he's not that guy's racist no he isn't he's old school that's a horrible defense he's not racist no but he's sexist and you still can't say oh it's a character paul that's what this thing is it saddens me that the outwardly offensive character is Jimmy Biscuit's full of love and joy. Uncle Grumly just wants to feed the world.

Biscuit isn't full of love and joy. He is. He's an exciting pet to get down the list. Why? Because he goes weird and he goes... He's been under a lot of pressure, hasn't he? He's always under a lot of pressure. He's under a lot of pressure.

You use that character to just let off steam and it shows. Mate, you use Richard Brandoff as a chance to be outwardly sexist. I absolutely do not. I think it's a thinly veiled... I use Richard Brandoff in order to satirise wealthy misogynists. Oh, is that it? Who are you satirising with Jimmy Biscuits? You're not.

You're exposing your weird mind. I'm satirising American tropes and stereotypes, aren't I? I'm peeling back the whole edge detective. Look what I'm doing, Paul. He's fucking the cheapo. He's rubbing his dick on the slot. That's what I think of your defensive biscuits. Ooh, Brandoff.

Well, there you go. Richard Brandoff. Second year in a row. Most fucking popular character. What a load of shit. The awards are inherently flawed. I'm not happy. A tingle. Tingle. Don a load of shit. The awards are inherently flawed. I'm not happy. A tingle? Tingle. Don't say random shit!

Right, now we're going to go to our next guest. And oh, it's exciting because we've wanted to have this act on. She was such a big hit last year with such a... Stomach-churning performance,

but unfortunately, under contract, she is a performer here at Piss Limo Gentlemen's Club. She's back again this year for what she calls another repulsive strip tease. Mate, she's got bags and bags of shopping bags full of mincemeat, and I don't know why that's there.

And have you seen what she's the costume? Have you seen the costume she's wearing? No. It's like some kind of weird... I can't explain it. It looks like a pantomime cow. Oh, I thought you were going to say horse there for a minute. No, no, it's a it's like some kind of weird i can't explain it it looks like a pantomime cow oh i thought you're gonna say horse there no no it's a pantomime cow but like it's a bit she was filling up the udders with that mincemeat and i just don't know what it's how is that a

striptease anyway anyway ladies and gentlemen you're now about to see sticky vicky sticky new striptease called Milk the Cow. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, Sticky Vicky. Oh, that's absolutely. Oh. Oh, the humanity.

Oh, I'm not going to watch this. This smut. Oh, oh, the humanity. Oh, I'm not going to watch this. This mutt. Oh, I'll just turn it off. Oh. Oh, oh, it's terrible. I need to have a lovely cup of tea. Yes, I'll be able to calm down. Have a lovely, calming cup of earl grey.

That's what I like. Oh, now let's see. Put the kettle on. There we go. Does it need a little rinse? Oh, yes, it's full of limescale. Oh, like the cobwebs of my mind. I'll give it a little rinse over here.

There we go. Got most of the flakes out. Oh, that's good, isn't it? Put the kettle on. Let's see. I've got most of the flakes out. Oh, that's good, isn't it? Put the kettle on. Let's see. I've got lots of bags in here. Oh, PG. Oh, there it is. There it is. There's the old grey. Yes. A bit of class.

I played some very important people in my time. I played some very important people in my time. Ooh, tum-ti-ti, bob-di-di. Oh, mother, don't put your dress on me again. Oh, mother, with the flowery, powdery web you weave. Oh, the kettle's boiled. Ooh, good. Pour that on.

Ooh, get some milk. Give that a little... You get a sniff? Oh, seems fine. Yes. Pour it in. Dinkle, dinkle, dinkle. Oh. Ah.

Oh, now, what was I doing? Oh. Oh, that's much better. Hmm. Oh, Grumpy. You do like a cup of Earl Grey, don't you, old boy? Right. Where was I?

Oh, I wonder... Oh, I wonder if that Jimmy Biscuit's film has picked up a bit. Let's see. Biscuits, get in my office now. Well, I'm busy, Chief. I'm on the blower to the DA. Biscuits, I don't want to hear about it. In my office, pronto! God damn it, here I come. What do you want, Chief?

Sit your sorry ass down right now! I'm in the middle of something, Chief. Sit your disgusting ass down right now, pronto! God damn it, Chief. Do you know who I just got off the phone to? Uh, who'd you get off the phone to? Jimmy, do you know who I just got off the phone to? Who'd you get off the phone to? Mr. Kazoo. Yeah. You know, he owns that massive joke shop in the Plate Glass District. Oh, that's right. Listen, I apologize for that.

That was not on me. You destroyed all of his stock. Tumpy did it. Tumpy did it. Jimmy Biscuits only chased after him. Tumpy? That's another thing. Tumpy's filing a class action lawsuit along with seven other of your poo-poo victims.

You shat on his nose. That's your bullshit. Jimmy, I know you're a good cop. You're a good guy. You're a good guy. You're a good person. You cannot stop giving the little poo-poo kiss in the interrogation. It gets results.

He has got a sample bag. I don't know where the drugs are. Poo- a sample bag. I don't know where the drugs are. Poo-poo kiss. I don't know where the kids are. It's going to cost the department several million dollars. Pounds. We in Britain. I don't know where we are, boss.

Oh, shit. So, I got the Lord Mayor on my ass. I got the Mayor of London on my ass. I got the Chief Commissioner right up my ass. You got a lot of people up your ass. He's right On my ass. I got the chief commissioner right up my ass. You got a lot of people up your ass. He's right up my ass. Everyone's right up my fucking ass. Now explain yourself. Come on.

You don't know what I'm dealing with here. Richard Brandoff, the biggest criminal mind in the whole of the world. He killed my wife. He killed those innocent people on the Cheap Eats Express. He's been using extortion. Sex trafficking. Slavery. He's beenap Eats Express. He's been using extortion, sex trafficking, slavery. He's been doing call center jobs. He's been doing zero contract technical work for Apple.

He's been selling games with microtransactions. He is a cruel beast. And I am this far away from getting what I need, which is bringing that man to justice. And I don't care if the police force or the mayor or any motherfucker gets in my way. I'm going to take him down or you can take my badge. Jimmy, I'm sorry, but that's exactly what I'm going to have to do. I want your badge.

Oh, no, I didn't mean it. I don't want your badge on the table. No, I want your wallet on the table. I need you to take that mustache off and put it on the table. I need your wig on the table. I need your talcum powder on the table. Yeah, I do not have talcum. I need you to take that mustache off and put it on the table. I need your wig on the table. I do not have a talcum powder. I need your talcum powder on the table. Yeah, I do not have a talcum powder. I need you to hand me your shirt.

I need you to hand me your underpants. I need you to hand me your toe clipper. I need you to hand me your copy of The Meaning of Life. Right, that's it. I shouldn't have to do this, but I gotta, because I gotta save the world. Take this, you fuck. I'm sorry for knocking you out, Chief,

but I've got a world to save. I've got to chase down Brandoff, because I know where he is, and that son of a bitch, he's at... Sticky Vicky there, and Paul, she's up to game. That was disgusting. I saw so many flaps in that fucking show. Mate, I don't know how she got those udders built

to squirt almost a liquid stream of purified kind of liquid meat. Liquid meat. There's no other word for it. It was liquefied meat. This stage currently smells like a butcher's window. It really does. It's horrible.

It's either way a brave performance from an old lady. Right. There's the awards though, Paul. You've got more awards. What's the next award we're going to cover now? So, we have favourite Eli moments So here we go, the top ten, straight into it From episode 110

It's when you said, Umar me arse piece Yeah, classic, great one I almost said, I almost used that in relation to You know what, that whole Umar me my ass piece song is just my favourite thing. I wanted it to be higher. I'll be honest with you with that one. Number nine, birth of the source report in episode 119.

Is that when it was birthed? Yeah. Was it? Brilliant. Was it? That's when I can go back and look at, with regret, to one of those episodes.

You tried to stifle the source report from... That's when it was born, Paul, because that's when the vote, that's when the people spoke. I continue to stand in its way, and I will not stand down. Right, next one. Oh, it's back again, number eight.

Licky, licky, fanny, fanny. It's a popular Eli catchphrase. It did better in this award than it did in the other one, didn't it? Because it was 10th in the... It was. In the Eli rant. Was it Eli rant? Yeah, it was low down. It's got a much better placement here.

Right, number seven. When you say any of your fucking intros to Ganon's Golden Games... Ganon's Golden Games is back! You're just a box of tricks, aren't you, mate? You're just a box of little tricks and everyone loves them. Number six.

Poo-poo out of bumhole. Brilliant. That could be from any fucking episode, frankly. I only said it in that one episode. Episode 144. Poo-poo out of bumhole. Brilliant. That could be from any fucking episode, frankly. I know, I only said it in that one episode. Episode 144, poo-poo out of bumhole. Yes. Great, are you proud of it? What was it the next week?

Spoff out of meters. Spoff me chuff off or something, wasn't it? No, it wasn't. All right, at number five, Paul says, out of curiosity, how disappointed was your dad when he heard this podcast? You reply, I think he was pretty... He did have a PhD in English literature

so I guess yeah an interesting moment where your life and your family collide I'm glad he's ashamed of you number four episode 134

again it's a common recurrence oh I do like fucking molesting a bee says Eli Silverman mate bee yeah

bees are sexy you're not they're not sexy. Bees, if they didn't want you to molest them, they shouldn't have such lovely furry hindquarters. Victim-blaming bumblebees for your sexual filth. Right, number three in the top three now. Giving up as Sherlock, oh yeah, giving up as Watson rather,

and becoming Spanish Moriarty. Spanish Moriarty. Thank you for letting me know, everyone, because Spanish Moriarty is Moriarty he's thank you for letting me know everyone because Spanish Moriarty is definitely coming back after this no there is no need to bring him back

he was a self contained character no he's not there's a lot of need listen we need characters if we're going to keep doing these bloody I would argue we need less characters

well there was some very we can look there was some omissions in the urine vision charity shop vampire no Spanish Moriarty.

True. There you go. Oh, what a wonderful world of characters Cheap Show has for you. There's two there. Right. Number two in the favourite Eli moment is losing his shit and singing, Come round here, come round here, up round there. It's classic.

It's not. It sounds like the collections of mad men talking. Well, come round here. Right, and then finally, at number one. Number one. The most favourite Eli moment are Eli's fantasies about Paul's mum pulling veg in the oven. How did that even start? What?

It's not a fantasy. It's more of a sort of, you know, daydream. What, a whimsical fantasy? Yeah, it hasn't got a sexual element. You haven't tugged yourself? Absolutely not. Right. I just like to think.

Why don't you make eye contact with me? I'm making eye contact with you now. Tell me now, eye contact to eye contact, right? Do you get erect thinking about my mum putting a great big cucumber in a small warm oven? Absolutely not. And the way that you're phrasing that, as if the cucumber is some kind of penis substitute

and the small worm oven is some kind of vagina, your own mother's vagina substitute. I didn't say that. I like a large smeg oven. Yeah. A large with a fan. Yes. And it could be any kind of vegetable.

It doesn't have to be a phallic one. What about an eggplant? No, that's again, you're going, because that's the symbol one line for sex, isn't it? Most veg look like cocks, mate. Carrot. That too looks like a cock. Zucchini.

A tomato. That looks like balls. What about putting a watermelon? Two big watermelons and a fucking big marrow. A shredded lettuce. Shredded lettuce looks like a hairy arsehole.

No, it doesn't. It does, I'm telling you. A shredded lettuce looks who are you who are you right it's now time for the next category which is i believe elight it's the favorite paul moment and we've got 10 of these paul coming straight in at number 10 gagging and getting sick uh it's one of my personal favorites it's not mine not mine. I love that. I like it when it's unexpected. It's like when we saw the dead animals in that bot jar

in the Christmas special of Digi. That really was... I felt the gravitational pull of my gut lurching up to my throat when I saw that. It was such a hard tug on my throat. In recent memory for me, Paul, was when you tasted

the only slightly out of date... Crisps. Yeah, and it really set you off. I don't know why. It was just because you had it in your mind that they were a year out of date. I think it's mostly psychological. It is very much psychological, I think. Number nine.

Singing the Winky song. A Winky? A Winky! I also sang it. Yeah, but I fucking... You know, out of the two of us, I am the singing god. I am the honey-throated musical maestro of the podcast. You're honey-throated?

More like spoffy-throated. Yeah, spoffy-honey. You'll be honey-throated after I fucking lubricate your vocal cords. Yeah. With hot gobbets. Ah, Paul, don't make it about cocks. It's all about cocks. It's not.

It's not about cocks, Paul. I'm talking about hot gobbets. What's that? Spank. Yeah, where does it come from? I don't know. It's to about Coxpool. I'm talking about hot gobbets. What's that? Spank. Yeah, where does it come from? I don't know. It's John. It just comes, doesn't it?

Sprinkles. It just happens. Maybe pre-cum John delivers it on his sledge. Cum happens. Yeah. In number eight, Uncle Grumbly explaining what's in his jam. Hey, Uncle Grumbly. Episode 112.

Yeah. And number seven. Nice. Your breakdown at Brent Cross. When was that? When we went to Brent Cross and you went, oh, it's so boring.

It is fucking boring. I love that now. It's a fucking boring shithole. It was a fantastic trip down memory lane to a magical realm. The closest we got to that was when we realised

that the car park was used in Tomorrow Never Dies. No, that was your favourite bit, but that was boring. That was boring. There's nothing worse than a James Bond fan. I've said it.

I don't know. Murderers. They're worse, yes. Despots. James Bond fans. You know, like, oh, look at this Aston Martin. Oh, great. Oh, look at the lovely lady who he kisses even though he's 80.

Exactly. Yeah, I love it. Gives us all, like, Roger Moore going, oh, I give her the beans Now this one's making Another appearance It was a real moment For people

Number six Throwing the toilet Water soaked DVD Yeah It's a good moment It's a terrible moment One of those moments Where I was laughing hard

At the poo poo DVD And number five Charity shop vampire Wants to suck your cock He wants to suck your cock See he's a character That's a character That we need to get back I know T wasn't in in the uh your envision song contest neither was

charity shop vampire no story time granddad i know number seven maybe they need their own spin-off they certainly do they sharing a flat yeah tumpy charity shop vampire and story time granddad like it's only like only fools and horses oh it's this generation's young ones yeah but no because he's granddad isn't he so you've got a granddad character then tumpy's the weird it's very much like only fools and horses direct ripoff except rodney in this case sucks cock yeah just rodney's a strange vampire who works in the charity shop and dob dobney i don't know knobney knobney knobney vney? Knobney. Vlad Knobney. Now.

I love that name. Hello, I'm Vlad Knobney. No, you're not. Now, so in at number four, drinking the cannabis-infused wine. That was good. He's drinking now, I don't mind telling you, ladies and gentlemen. He's put it down. It's a nice liqueur.

Well, we are in a nightclub, so. We've got free bar, haven't we? Got lots of free bar. It's a nice liqueur. Well, we are in a nightclub, so. We've got free bar, haven't we? Got lots of free bar. It's nice. So the top three pool moments on this year's Cheap Show Awards. Paul's going to get the cheapo, but what moment will win? And number three, Oh Girl with your hot, hot bod. Oh girl with your hot, hot bod.

Dum, ba-dum, dum, ba-dum, dum, ba-dum, hot, hot bod. Yeah, I should release that as a single. Wop, wop, wop, wop, wop, wop, wop, wop, wop, wop, wop. your hot hot butt dum ba dum tss dum ba dum tss dum ba dum tss hot hot butt yeah I should release that as a single yeah wop wop wop wop wop wop wop wop wop wop wop wop wop Dutch DJs

would have something to say yes yes yes yes with your hot hot butt dum da dum da dum da dum dum da dum da hot hot butt hot hot butt mate

that's I'm gonna enter that into your envision next year at number two Paul Moment it's the slip ups of the English language Paul it's not one moment it's the slip ups of the English language Paul

it's not one moment it's a whole slew it's my whole career yeah my whole fucking career it's your slip ups it's your jumping the goose or whatever you said that time

jump the goose I don't know fucking hell when you mangle language and another one this is number one now the top Paul moment and it's back again

oh god mate you're treading on thin water from episode 129 at a t-shirt at a t-shirt I'd like to accept this award Paul moments, and it's back again. Oh, God. Mate, you're treading on thin water. Yay! Episode 129. At a T-shirt, at a T-shirt, I'd like to accept this award on my failing mouth and stupid, discombobulated brain.

I just promise to never change. I never improve. I never learn. I never develop. I promise to stay exactly the way I am until I die. Thank you very much. Cheers. Bye-bye. Okay, now what's the next award?

Get off. I'm doing it. The next award is ultimate favourite. I'm doing it. The next award is ultimate favorite moment. Ultimate favorite moment. Yeah. Ultimate favorite moment. This isn't a Paul moment. It's not an Eli moment. It's just an ultimate favorite moment.

Ultimate favorite moment. So here we go. In 10. I think this will be more of a barometer of our show, I think, than everything else. You know what I mean? Why? Because the other ones are tricks and tropes and silly little things

and voices and reoccurring motifs, right? This is the backbone. This is the spine to the series. This is where we'll know what people want from us and how depressed we should be immediately after reading this out. Really?

Right, okay. So, at number 10, the premiere of the Winky song. Hey! That was a big moment for us on Jeep Show. Winky's been a big part of our year.

Do they mean when we first uncovered it? Yeah, when we first found it alongside that other record with the space harp or whatever it's called. Space boogie. Space boogie, yeah.

Someone sent me an email recently, I forget who it was so I apologise, but they basically said you should touch on that again and maybe clarify it and give it a bit of a once-over. And we should,

we should go back to it and give it a proper little story. Okay, yeah, I'm happy to. and we actually did locate the cafe that is mentioned in the in the material that came with that record didn't we the victoria cafe on euston road yeah we did and also there was an article i found online about the performer who was a campaigner for disabled rights so we should look into that and do a bit more background i think again like you said on any other episode it would have been the top story but but winky came and smashed it yes right next one it number nine i've got a bone hoover episode 120 the story oh you know what it's interesting that story

because it's it didn't have the punch of the first derrick but as i said before it's the empire strikes back of the derrick trilogy yeah it's more like the highlander 2 the quickening really to be fair. Number eight. Eli farting. Just says many episodes because I've left them all in. That's in eighth

place. Yeah. You should be probably got anything to say about your wind. You know everyone I'm glad you've

enjoyed those moments but I just like to say Paul includes them as a way of making me not not get a girlfriend. Yeah. I also think it's

effective to teach you a lesson to stop farting in or near me. Not in me. Now that, I bet that's got a word. Is it called air docking or something? It's called clothing. No, it's air docking. Air docking.

Yeah, well, docking is when you put the willies together. And what air docking is like. Yeah, I fart into your your bumhole so like space oh that's real nasty i bet that happens might even happen to you tonight right uh number seven from episode 113 eli's moriarty i guess it's proved a popular character he's got to come back although i seem to remember a lot of negative tweets and stuff about it when it first yeah well he was a controversial yeah well maybe the passing of time has been easy on Spanish Moriarty. Fuck's sake.

Number six. Derek's first story, 105. The infamous first story of the Brookside Tiger. Okay, so the first one did have a hire. Yeah. And again, an important moment

in Cheap Show history. Right, next. Five. Two nuns sitting beside Paul and Eli forcing them to behave and creating an awkward situation on the day trip to Brighton episode.

Very bizarre moment. That was the weirdest fucking thing where we're about to be like, spot phone release, cock and piss. Oh, there's some nuns. There's some nuns. And they could have sat anywhere on an empty train. They thought, oh, those look like nice, pious young men. And we were like, wanky, wanky.

No, we didn't. We let them. No, we got up quietly and moved away. And then said wank to each other down the corridor. Yeah, we did. It was more satisfying. I wish they'd taken a picture of the nuns to prove it. Yeah.

But anyway, there you go. They were there. They were real. They were real nuns. Right, number four. The discovery of Winky, episode 114. That must be when we found out about the badge and everything. And first sort of dipping into...

Well, didn't we know about the badge on the first time that we covered it? I think... No, we didn't, did we? No, I think the first time it was like, what's this? That's a weird song. Oh, there's a trademark. And the next week is when we suddenly found out about the billboard and the badge and everything. Yeah, 115 and 116.

Yeah, 113, 114. I see. Something like that. Winky Wedding is the episode that goes into more detail. So, yeah, Discovery of Winky. Again, proud moment in Cheap Show history. All right, we're into the top detail. So yeah, Discovery of Winky. Again, proud moment in Cheap Show history. Right,

we're into the top three. Street Chow is back from 150. Weird how that resonated. Everyone likes Street Chow. Apart from Ash. And number two, we had to explain

grapefruiting to Octavius. I felt so sorry for her. Oh, that's, yeah, that's when she came and did the show, yeah.

She wants to come back By the way She did say she wanted to come back We'd love to have her back Yeah That was one of those things Where it was like You don't want to know

No tell me Alright here's the thing Oh she now feels regret And disgust Yeah Yeah Right here we go Here is number one

And it's appeared already In the show But the favourite moment Of Cheap Show 2020 Is From episode 140 With a line Derek says, I realised then what I should have known.

They were Irish. They were Irish. It was such a good left swing kind of, you know, left field. Left field. Left field. Left swing. Left swing. See, I'll have this award again next year for that one.

Now, yes, what was funny as well for me about it is that he was obviously Irish. And also the fact that his Irishness had literally nothing to do with anything. To do the story. I didn't quite understand it. No impact on anything whatsoever. No, I couldn't quite fathom it. But he delivered it as if this was the coup de grace. Yeah, it was like finding out Bruce Willis was dead for six cents. It was like, and then, dear listener, they were all Irish.

Yeah, I got that from the name. Yeah. You know, like, yeah, yeah. And then, dear listener, they were Irish. Yeah, I got that for the name. Yeah. You know, like... Yeah, but thank you, Derek, for that racist comment. Yeah, weird guy. So that's that award.

We've got the big one coming up next. Favourite episode. The favourite episode. This is the real big oof, madam. Ooh, lardy, loody, bim, bum, bam.

You got nothing. Paul, perhaps we should get another guest on then. You know what? It's time for our final guest performance now. And it's Ash Frith. He's agreed to appear one last time on Cheap Show. Is he doing more fanfic stuff? No.

He is. Is he doing some stand-up? No, he's doing some stand-up. Oh, okay. So, uh... I might nip out. Yeah, let's just go for a smoke. Ladies and gentlemen, Ash Frith doing what

he likes to call stand up. Ruff, ruff, yes. Okay, yes. Okay, I want piss all over the seats. Okay?

Yes, now look, just do it. It doesn't matter how much it costs. Yes, I've got the funds. Yes, look, I'll have to call you back. I'm just arriving at my nightclub for a very important meeting.

Ruff, ruff. Okay, call you back. Okay, driver, stop just here. Drop me off outside the door. Ruff, ruff, ruff. Ah, now. I wonder who's on the bill tonight. I hope it's Sticky Vicky. Ruff, ruff, ruff. Ah, Mr. Brandoff, I presume. Biscuits, ruff, ruff.

I found you with my detective skills and my panache. Oh, yeah, and now I'm going to take you down, Mr. Brandoff. How dare you? You'll never defeat me. Well, after all the lives you've ruined, the people you've killed, the piss you've drunken, I, Jimmy Biscuits, top detective, will bring you to the name of law and show you that the law ain't a pretty face, Mr. Biscuits. You're coming with me. Well, I don't mind telling you I've got iron underwear on until you won't be able to touch the crown jewels.

Ruff, ruff, put your hands up. I got a gun and I'm pointing it at you. And I wish for you to put your hands up so I can cuff you. Ruff Ruff, you'll never get me, Biscuits. You know what? I've been wanting to do this for a long time. Why don't you come at me and let me defend myself? Ruff Ruff, all right, I will.

Here we go. It's knuckle dusting time. Ow. Right in the plums Mr. Brander. How you like this fisting action? Oh god. I'm right in your colon. What about this then? Take this in the face. What about this in the chops? And how about this in the naughty blobs? Ooh. Come on. Get off me. Ruff, ruff. You ruffer.

Oh, no. Look out for the door. It's time for the top award. It is. Top Cheapo award, and it is favourite episode, Paul. It's been the one we've all been waiting for, the big award of the night. It's the best picture, basically, isn't it? Fingers crossed

So we're all excited here What would be your personal favourite episode? I mean, look, personally, Winky I put a lot of love in But to be fair That was probably done after the voting closed So that might be a big hitter for next year Okay

If we decide to do this again But for now, that's one of my favourites But actually, I would say Even the awards episode last year Was a really fun one for me to make and do Well, that'd be strange if theites. But actually, I would say even the awards episode last year was a really fun one for me to make and do. Well, that'd be strange if the awards episode won an award, wouldn't it? And also, I like the two-part episode we did with Biffo, the TV special. We played Just a Minute and stuff.

That was a lot of fun. I like the source report. Yeah, well, you would because you have no creative taste. Right, are you ready for the top episodes? I'm ready. Hit me with it, Paulie Worley. Right, here we go. It 10 is episode 140 irish jimmy

irish jimmy that's the one with stuart ashen and the irish story they've had a very strong showing that episode very strong showing yes uh it's exciting times number nine episode 113 221b baker street you know what that's a little bit of a hidden gem that one that's where we played the board game it's g Gannon's Golden Game segment. And we turned it into a kind of play with Stuart Ashen playing the voice of the narrator. Oh, he did. He did very well.

Yeah, and he did all the clues and stuff like that. So it was a nice episode. And I lost, didn't I? I wasn't very good at it. No, and you gave up and you forgot how the rules worked. But that was when Spanish Moriarty came, wasn't it? That was it, yeah. You can see a thread coming through, can't you, already?

It's depressing. Right, number eight episode 101 the other live one oh yeah part two the other live one anyway I like doing the live shows and I

can't wait to do more the noodle posse were in full effect oh yeah that's right Mark Allen turned up to debate himself we all started chanting yeah I know

we were chanting noodle posse noodle posse it was a horrible time for us all right number seven this surprises me but it's nice to see

it on the list. Seventh most popular episode of the last year, Mostly Unhaunted, the Halloween special from last year. Yeah. I'd like to do another one like that. I would love to. I enjoyed going on the bus. Yeah, I know.

And everything but the ghost hunt part. Yeah, that was terribly dull, the ghost hunting part. It wasn't, though. We need to find a more interesting place to investigate. That's, I think, the trick. If we can go to the hellfire caves or something that would be good

okay I'm up for it anyway I'm also I'm sceptical obviously about ghosts but I'm

I'm willing to I'm open to experience Paul yeah if I saw something do you know what I mean I know I'm not going to

force myself to see something no but at the same time maybe don't lie on a couch for 15 minutes and go I knew nothing was going to happen and we didn't get to go to the spooky house we didn't get to go to the 15 minutes and go, I've tired. No, because I already know.

I knew nothing was going to happen. And we didn't get to go to the spooky house. We didn't get to go to the spooky room at the top. I went to the spooky room at the top. It was a small, very small spooky room. Well, you could have done better. Oh, fuck off. At number six.

You fat-minded spunk cannon. Oh, fuck off, you blobby collection of neuroses and hate. You're a zip-up willy. You are a fall-down twat. You're a spatch goblin. You are a thronging twat. You say you can't think of anything, can you? Willies.

Yeah, you're a willy. Hang on, let me come up with another word. Willies. I can't. Willies. Willies. I can't do it. You can't think of a word, any word. Will with another word. Willies. I can't. Willies. Willies. I can't do it. You can't think of a word, any word. Willies.

Right. Willies. Yes. Willy Willies. Willy Willies is Willy Willy Willies with Willy Willies. Willy Willy Willy. Willy Bonk. Conk, Goblin, Spod. Right, that's it.

The show's gone. Bye, everyone. No. What's next? Right. At number six is episode 119, Bone Hoover. Another Derek story with Stuart. That's what I mean.

We need, look, we need, Derek needs a replacement. We need more found footage of some kind. We're going to sort it out, all right? Okay. We need to find something. If you, dear listener, have any footage of an elderly relative losing their mind, then please send it in to us. Right, at number five, episode 1114, Winky.

The episode that brought us the song, the episode that started the mystery that led us to... That's when we did the song. Yeah, when we just had the vinyl, and we started scratching very delicately at the top of the Winky hole. Is that when we did our version of the song? No, that was in the awards episode. Ah, of course. We did it then.

Right, episode... Sorry, in fourth position, The Brookside Tiger. There we go, another high-ranking episode for Derek. Very high-ranking. Popular part of Cheap Show Law. Well, it's a good story, that. Right, here we are in the top three. Very exciting times now, here we go.

At three, episode 127, Green Green Wine. That's the cannabis wine episode. That cannabis wine where you drank a whole bottle of the stuff. It was like bleach. It was fucking horrible. Horrible. Yeah, but it did make me horny. And when I went home that night, ladies and gentlemen,

I made the bestest custard. Oh, God. The bestest custard. Paul. Yeah. Oh, dear. All right, here we go. I despair, really do.

In number two, at the silver position episode 116 Smough Pot no idea what happens in it Smough Pot is when there was a little mustard pot wasn't there I don't remember Smough Pot

one of the items was a little mustard pot and you wouldn't shut up about cumming in it well that could be any episode we've ever done I know it literally could so what it literally could

perhaps they liked it because it's like epitomises the general it's an epitable episode putting Smough that should be like part of our metadata Smough shot It literally could. Perhaps they liked it because it epitomises the general... It's an epitable episode. Putting Spoff... That should be part of our metadata. Spoff shot. Spoff in receptacle.

A bit like, yeah. Search online. Spoff receptacle. Every Cheap Show episode comes up. Right. Which means... At number one... The bestest episode ever of Cheap Show...

Hello? Is... Okay! Right! Fuck! What did you do? Come this way! This way! The bestest episode ever of Cheap Show Hello? Is Okay Alright Fuck Come this way This way Just we can get round the corner there Get in the piss limo

Get in the piss limo They'll never see Come in there Keep low I'll open the door Alright Come on Oh

It's all wet in my back It's wet Right Ladies and gentlemen We've just got to do the pants. It's wet. Right, ladies and gentlemen. We've just got to do the other awards and then we'll get out of here. Ladies and gentlemen. We can have a shower later. The top best episode voted by you, the Cheapskate. And the Cheapskate won. What's going on?

Episode 134 is the off-stage of the Brighton. It's the winner, yes. Stay down. Stay down. I also now have a gun. Duck. Congratulations to everyone who's watching. Thank you to Rhiannon for helping us. Thank you to everyone who follows us on Cheap Show,

Patreon, Cheap Show. How do you like that? Let's just get out of here. Let's go. I got you. I got you. Get the handcuffs on you. I got you, Mr. Brandoff. as detective of the law, you are under arrest What's the charge? I want my lawyer straight away

Murder, espionage, terrorism, sex trafficking, slavery, and the worst crime of all Right, I'm taking you, the police are just outside, Mr. Brandoff And you'll be spending a lot of time in a very dark place. You know I can reach you from jail. I can reach you from anywhere, Biscuits. Maybe, but right now, I have you, and you're going down, Mr. Brandoff. Well, if I'm going down, Ruff Ruff, I'm going to take you and every single other person in this building with me. What do you mean, Mr. Brandoff? Only this. Jesus Christ, Bisc Mr. Brandoff? Only this.

Jesus Christ, Biscuits, he's got a bomb. Oh, he's got some kind of detonator, Paul. Eli, Paul, get Brandoff out of here. I'll see if I can defuse the bomb myself. Coming with us, Brandoff. Come on, you bastard. Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff. Run.

Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff. Come on, let's get out of here. Miss God. Okay, God. I think we're far enough back. We've crossed the street now. Yeah, Jesus Christ. Don't take...

Just keep hold of Brando. The police have got him. The police have got him. Right, good. Look, do you think Jimmy has any idea how to defuse a bomb? Oh. Well, that was terrible and very clichéd. Oh, well, I didn't feature in the awards, so never mind.

Maybe next year I'll get lucky. Oh, I'm quite sleepy. Perhaps I'll just go up to bed. Grumpy goes to bed by himself. Up the wooden hills to Bedfordshire I go. Oh, at least it's nice and powdery in my bedroom. Oh, there's a nice smell of lavender in here. That's because I use essential oils. OK, I'll set the alarm.

From the morning there won't be any work tomorrow. I'll set the alarm for the morning. There won't be any work tomorrow. I'll just snuggle in and go to bed. Go to bed. Think nice thoughts. Oh, oh, Mr. Astaire. Oh, you'd like me to dance with you? I'd love to.

I study dance at RADA. Oh, Mr. Hardy. You're looking for a new comedy partner? Oh, I can do a bit of slapstick work. I've got a great deadpan. There's a powdery powdery powdery

powdery powdery powdery powdery powdery powdery