CheapShow - Ep 195: Pompadour

Episode Date: September 11, 2020

In a secret chamber, buried deep below the bowels of the podcast, lies a place that will force Paul & Eli to tackle their greatest snack challenge ever! From this moment on, the League of Snacks and Crisps will NEVER be the same again! Dare you resist the opportunity to meet "The Scribe" or even "The Toilet Peeper"? Regretfully, you have no choice. Elsewhere in this week's episode, Eli is given (we think) a bespoke hot sauce and Paul returns to another one of his "Page Turners" segments. In this edition, the cheap chaps may have discovered a Radio DJ even more loathsome than Noel Edmonds. If that's even possible! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-195-pompadour If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid With thanks to @alistaircoleman for allowing us to read his blog in this episode Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Podbible Interview: https://podbiblemag.com/2020/06/12/a-special-cheapshow-celebration/ MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Paul is writing a book! Want to help make it happen? https://unbound.com/books/ghosts/

Hello everybody, welcome to Cheap Show. I'm Eli Silverman. Hello everybody, welcome to Cheap Show. I'm Paul Gannon. And today on Cheap Show... And today on Cheap Show... Fuck off! Fuck off! Welcome to Echo Cheap Show. The echo-iest Cheap Show. Cheap Show, Cheap Show.

In the, in the, well, well, well... You know what I'm going to say? Go on. I think we should start this again. No, you can't! That's going to be a T'm going to say? Go on. I think we should start this again. No, you can't. That's going to be a T-shirt if we're not careful. I think we should start this again. Imagine you're being in a relationship and you go up to your partner

and you've had a couple of months of strife and you think, I think we should start this again. That would be good. Just from the beginning. How do you do that? Hello, what's your name? No, you go out

and you knock on the door and go, hello, I'm Eli eli you don't know me if i was that lady i'd be like i'm no i'm calling the police hello i'm eli you don't know me no eli we're dumped you're dumped we're dumped you're dumped you're dumped fancy some boning ding dong hello bone man brand new bone man i don't like the bone man i'm the bone man brand new bone man let's try this out knock on the i I'm the bone man. Brand new bone man. All right, let's try this out. Knock on the door. I'll knock on the door.

You're going to knock on the door. No, you knock on the door. I've gone out. It's my house and you're the bone man. The ragging bone man? No, just the ragging bone man. Right. All right.

So, ding dong. Hello. Have you opened the door? Yeah. Hello, I've opened the door. Oh, hello there, you beautiful lady Who are you? I'm not Eli

Explain yourself before I call the police Oh, we're starting again, this is very good I'm the bone man Right, and what does the bone man do? Heavy boning Right, I am calling the police No, you're not, you know me I don't know you

Matilda No, that's not my name Isn't it? That's next door Oh, sorry Welcome to Cheap Show, ladies and gentlemen I don't know you Matilda That's not my name Isn't it? That's next door Oh sorry Welcome to Cheap Show ladies and gentlemen We're like the two fucking Ronnies In that we're both dead

Inside I hate you and your fucking noodle posse People love noodles It's just a fact of cheap show You're gonna have to learn to fucking accept Cheap show Cheap show It's the Price of Shite. Paul Gannon.

Eli Silverman. Welcome to Cheat Show. And I go and I nuzzle Out the back of the theme tune, Paul We've been ejected back into the podcast We were violently ejected out the back of the theme tune Into the podcast for realsies And what is going on on Cheap Show this week, Paul? Well, we have a...

I think we're going to do a cheap eats today I've got some food we can try out So that's think we're going to do a cheap eats today, I think. I've got some food we can try out, so that's what we're going to do. Oh, yeah. And then also, we're going to do a Paul's Page Turners, because I've got a book that popped up recently. Weirdly, it was one of those things where I went to a charity shop, saw this book, went, I have to get that, and then I looked online for a review of it.

And then when I saw it linked to a blog from a friend of mine, I was like, I don't need to buy the book. I'm reading this blog post. Yeah. So we're going to be doing that. We're going to it linked to a blog from a friend of mine i was like i don't need to buy the book i'm reading this blog post yeah so we're gonna be doing that it's good we're gonna be reading out a blog post yes i've got permission of uh alice coleman who is my friend who wrote that blog and so he has said we can read it on the on the show in full later on who's it about find out later in the show later on paul hello i'm paul gannon welcome to cheap show the economy comedy podcast where we go through the charity shops, bargain bins and of Great Britain

and deliver to you the treasure amongst the trash. Source report, studio line. Studio line. Source report. We have been sent source, Paul. Yeah. This source is called House of Pickles.

Yes. Did it have a letter with it? You didn't give me a letter. I gave you the envelope with everything in. Did it have a letter in it? This didn't come in an envelope, did it? Yeah. What, do you think that the sauce angels came

and delivered sauce unto me to give to the king of sauces? And I rode across land and sea on my horse. Is it your sauce horse? My sauce horse, yeah. What's he called? Pegasauce. Pegasauce. This is all working brilliantly.

This is all fantastic. Pegasauce. And he's like... The noise, the noise. What comes out your bum, Pegasauce? Sauce. Yes, ketchup. Or brown.

Brown. There's lots of straw in this brown sauce. Brown sauce. Right. Sorry, Paul. No, I don't have any information about this sauce. But please get back in touch with us so we can sense it. Because it's a real mystery.

I've looked up the manufacturer. Yeah. Wei Tangi. Wei Tangi. Wei Tangi, hot sauce. Now, there were some things online. They've just got like a Facebook page that hasn't been updated since 2013 or something.

No. What is the date on that? Out of interest. Is there an update? The best before? Yeah. Nope. Because I tried to look on Amazon,

on eBay. It says used within 12 months. Well, that's 12 months of what? I find this at the end of time. And it's like, oh, it's good for 12 months. The universe is only lasting another two days. Oh, what a shame. Don't get to try this.

And this is House of Pickles. It's called House of Pickles. And it's got gherkin and dill in it. So has it been made to measure? Is it bespoke sauce for us? We don't know, Paul. That is the mystery of the Sauce Report this week. It's a sauce little mystery.

No, come on. Sauce, sauce, sauce. Listen, before we go any further. I'm trying to go along with this. Come on, mate. Do you see I've not been kicking back against the Sauce Report? I've been lying back and let the sauce gush all over me. Just dribble on my hot chest.

Sauce on my hot, hairy chest. I could put together a... Spicy dill on my hot chest. I could put together an impromptu... I could probably put on your impromptu... Impromptu... That was awful, Paul. Impromptu poultice.

Oh, impromptu... Impoltus-to. Impromptu. That's half. Promptu. You're not helping the source report, you poultice too. Shut up. You're not helping the source report, you know that. You're just gone. You're doing an E-line. Good. Paul, I will continue

with the report. And the ingredients of this, it's got Trinidad Scorpion. Please. Please. Please. Right. What are you? Is this the new character? Maybe.

I've got a new character, ladies and gentlemen. Do you want to see my new character, Eli? Yes. I was going to mention it and then I'll finish the report. Okay, it's a good idea, actually. The only thing is, you can't see the character here. You've got to go to the toilet. So go to the toilet, Eli. Don't you go to the toilet.

Zip. You're sitting down for a poo-poo. Oh, I'm... I know what you're doing. Who's saying that? I'm the toilet people. The toilet people. Are you doing a pom-pa-doo? I'm hiding toilet people. The toilet people. Are you doing a pompadour?

I'm hiding in your toilet. I'm going to flush the toilet now. I'm hiding in your toilet. I'm flushing the toilet. Sound effect. I like the way you wipe it. You like the way I wipe it. I like the way you wipe it I like the way you wipe it I'm not wiping because I hadn't even started

Pompadoo Pompadoo So that's my brand new character ladies and gentlemen The toilet peeper He hides in your toilet and peeps on you I think that's going to have a high High ranking in next year's Cheapskate Awards Favourite character toilet peeper. He hides in your toilet and peeps on you. I think that's going to have a high ranking in next year's Cheapskate Awards favourite character

three, two, one and splash. And pompadour very good since 2012 this sauce has been manufactured. Perhaps Paul I'm having a great time this week good. Perhaps Paul it is, like you say, just a coincidence

and they've used house of pickles yeah and i i wasn't original when i named my bedroom what is that when like thought travels independently across the world and people have it at the same time okay there's several theories but one is widely discredited which was jung's theory of the morphic morphic field yeah where like there was the example they give was like sheep crossing a fence would all realize that in different parts of the world, they both realized. He proposed a morphic field where these archetypes and thoughts and things

exist outside of individual minds. Yeah. And there was some evidence. There was some evidence put forward where they, they seem to, and it seems to be a fact Paul that it's proven that people who do the crossword

say the times crossword later in the day who do the crossword later in the day do it quicker so the theory is that it gets into the morphic field all of the answers of the people who who are solving it earlier in the day it's interesting, it's bollocks.

But it's the collective unconscious is another term for it. That's the thing I was thinking of. Collective unconscious. Where they said the sheep in one part of the world need to roll over those cow grates to get across. And then another country, sheep are doing the exact same thing over there. And it's like, well, that's interesting.

Yes. But that's not the best example. That was one that came to mind. There's a guy, Rupert Sheldrake, who's a sort of um he's an outsider scientist right and he posits what does outsider scientist mean though does that mean he has like edgelord opinions about gravity or whatever yes but he he has he has a background in science but he has he has ideas for example like the one about the morphogenic field or whatever it's right

which are not accepted by the mainstream. And he thinks consciousness plays a causal role in the world as well. Okay. Rupert Sheldrake. I'm not saying I believe it was. Ladies and gentlemen, when we started the source report, we didn't think we'd be galloping into the realm of, what would you want to call that kind of thing?

Philosophical thought? Well, sort of, yeah. Yeah. Oh, dear. Cheap show may say spoff and cum and shit and poo and all that stuff, but deep down, we're an incredibly intelligent podcast. Now, Paul,

so what you're suggesting is perhaps it was in the ether, so to speak, putting it in a colloquial way. Yeah. That house of pickles is a sort of thing. Yeah. Or someone said- I nicked it.

I unconsciously nicked it. I saw this source. Or they did that to you or yeah on the other side of this whole thing yeah it's he's looking at the clock now on the other side of that theory is that whoever did what sent this in can you can get your own labels or get your own source made in small batches. Yeah. And it is actually named after. No. Shall we try it?

Shall we try that now? Let's try it. This is very exciting on Cheap Show. Now, what are your thoughts about a hot sauce with gherkins in it? It's not great, is it? I don't know. I can't, I mean, I can't think.

It'll probably be like that very spicy burger filling. You know, it's sealed here. That's good. So that should reassure you about it being safe. It's quality, yeah. No, I noticed the seal myself and thought, that's safe. I'm just going to open it up now. It's nicely sealed.

He's just opening it up now. Give it a good shake. I want the gherkin pieces to... He's giving it a good old vigorous throbbing. The dill and gherkin fragments to infuse the whole of the sauce's body. Yes. Infuse it. I've got nothing this week, man. I've got nothing this week, man.

I've got nothing this week. I can see a doodle. I actually like that character. What's wrong with me? I'm giving it a half. The brown snake come out. I'm getting gherkin. Oh, yeah.

Let's have a sniff. Get the half on that, mate. Oh, it smells quite sweet. Do you know what it smells like to me? And this is very strange. It smells like to me? This is very strange. It smells like fruit gums. That is strange. Which I think means I'm about to have a stroke.

You're having a brain injury. Yeah. Right, here we go. He's applying some healthy dollop of the sauce to the spoon and it's going to go in his mouth right now. Oh, I don't know how he feels about this. That wasn't a good look.

It's got a sort of staleness. A staleness to it. To the smell. Up close when I opened it up to nasal investigation. And it's strange because it's very

runny and it doesn't have any bits but it just seems to have a brown. It's got Trinidad Scorpion Magura Chillies. Gherkins.

They were the world record holder. Oh. White vinegar. Dill seeds. Dill tips. Mustard seeds. Salt. Sugar. Spices. Xanthan gum and They were the world record holder. White vinegar, dill seeds, dill tips, mustard seeds, salt, sugar, spices, xanthan gum, and the Le Put-en-Chevy numbers.

Oh, that's a face for your mother. What the fuck? What's wrong with you? Oh, dear. He looks like Popeye having a big old wank. What's wrong? Come on. What was that? it's very hot

is it yeah in what way hot though I mean are we talking deepy or fiery no fiery punch I'm gonna have a little taste of it

just a little dilip on me finger it is quite tasty I have to say it works you can taste the gherkin it's a gherkin hot sauce nice

a lot nicer than I was thinking do you know what I mean it's very sharp very vinegary that was just a little bit do you know what I mean? It's very sharp, very vinegary. That was just a little bit. Do you know what I mean? And that feels like swallowing a match tip. Yeah.

Do you know it's got a real intense heat. You know what though? That is actually really tasty. Do you know what I mean? With the back, you get the gherkin and the dill at the back. It's very fruity to me. It's quite nice, isn't it? It's been a successful sauce report. If you sent that in. This is House of Pickled Sauce, everyone. Yeah, if you sent that in, please get in touch with us on Twitter or email and just tell us who you are and stuff.

Because that's nice, isn't it? And did you know, Source Report Part 2, that the well-known Sriracha brand, Flying Goose, now do different types of different flavours of Sriracha, Paul? And that song I couldn't think of last week that was kind of a yackety sax kind of thing was called the Honking Goose. It wasn't. No, the Rocking Goose by Johnny and the Hurricanes. Yeah. We have had that on the show before.

I like it. It's great. Very fun. Yeah. Upbeat number. I've got a whole double LP of Johnny and the Hurricanes. There you go. They specialised in rock and roll instrumentals.

Is that it? No, you keep doing this. You keep cutting me off before the source report is finished. All right, well, I'm just prologue. I'm edging the source report. I'm edging it. Just eking it out. I'm about to finish with the source report.

And I'm like, oh, oh, oh. I'll finish my source report. I'll finish my source report. Right on your gob. Oh, source report in my tongue. Right. So, and they have a smoke-flavoured sriracha, which I want to try,

and a yellow chilli-flavoured sriracha, which I want to try. That's what I'm saying. You mean a smoked sriracha, not a smoke-flavoured sriracha. Because what does smoke taste like? Fire? Yes.

Pompadour? No. Pompadour? No. Pompadour? Don't. It's just so deeply unfunny. Is that your new character? Yeah, the toilet peeper. He says Pompadour.

Why does he say Pompadour? Because at the time, he's doffing his hat at the same time. You're sitting there on the toilet, and as you're gurning out your brown mass, he pops his little head out with a little moniker on his hat, and he goes, Pompadour? Does he have my poo on his hat? he goes pompadour does he have my poo on his hat no

but what happens is he doesn't ask you to flush well I've just done a shit where's the shit you know what we're good here what if I've got the squids is he all like

peppered with it like chocolate shotgun like no he what does he look like what's his body a worm he kind of looks like a kind of like a cherub does he look a bit like Jiminy Cricket no he looks like what's his body a worm he kind of looks like

a kind of like a cherub does he look a bit like Jiminy Cricket no he looks like a kind of cherub like an oily cherub yeah

except instead of angel wings he's got kind of like bat wings membranous membranous kind of flesh membranous bat wings and he wears a top hat and he has a moniker

monocle and he shouts Pompadour as you happen to poo on the toilet I hate this character. It was funny to me at the beginning. Extra garlic, Paul.

Yeah. Yellow chilli. Mushroom. Double hot. Smoky one is his absolute favourite. Look, I've got a photo of it here. I'm not interested in this. Look what it says.

That's the end of the source report. Look what it says there. Flying goose brand. No, but the flavour bit underneath. Sriracha hot chilli smoke flavour. Smoke flavour! Chilli smoke flavour. Yeah, there you go.

So it's smoked chilli. So what you said, it would be ridiculous. You can't just have smoke flavour. It must be smoked Sriracha. What does that say? What does that say on the sauce? With a picture of which I'm showing you, Paul. Pompadour!

It does not say Pompadour! Pompadour! Pompadour! Go back in the loo. That's you drinking a coffee. That's not... Are you doing your... Stop blowing bubbles.

Stop playing with your food. It's all supports over. Yay! Now we can carry on with the rest of this podcast. Bye. It's not supports over. Yay! Now we can carry on with the rest of this podcast. Bye! It's not going anywhere. Welcome back from the sound effect. Paul, what have we got now?

Well, we are going to do a cheap each this week and I've been out and about in the shops and picked up a few things that I think... Paul? Yes? Just before we do that. Oh, a pompadour. a cheap each this week and I've been out and about in the shops and picked up a few things that I think. Paul. Yes. Just before we do that. Oh, Pompadoo. Have you seen it down there?

What, behind those boxes? Yeah. Yeah. Have you seen, what's that? Well, I don't know because we've had those boxes there for five years and I moved them the other day. What's this hatch thing here? I don't know.

We found that last week when I moved those boxes finally. And I just presumed it was just part of the old the old podcast that's underneath that goes underneath the but i didn't think there was something underneath the podcast i thought it was just solid ground maybe it's just a fake door maybe it's not meant to go anywhere anyway because i've also what i did have a little look right and there's this map there's a key on a string yeah on the underside of the hatch right and there was a this map so you've opened the hatch right and there was this map so you've opened the hatch already

I have had a little look it's the map it's very basic and it just has an arrow pointing down yeah and one pointing along right

and then it's just a picture of a house right with the letters S and ampersand

C okay what's that all about? What is beneath our podcast, Paul? There's nothing beneath the podcast. We exist. There fucking is. I've had a look.

Come. Are you ready? Oh, pardon. You want me to come down your hatch? I'll come. Go on, then. Open your big, hairy hatch, and I will come in your hatch. I'm just warning you.

I'm about to go off on a fucking nonsense word rampage. All right. Are you now? Yeah. I'll beat you to it. No, you haven't. Bibble bobble. No, bibble bobble is not a nonsense word.

It is. I want better. For car costs. How about that? Yeah. Are we going to go down and have a look? All right. All right.

Well, you can go first. Your cheap eats are bollocks. So you want to go down the hatch instead of? All right, well, you can go first. Come on, your cheap eats are bollocks. So you want to go down the hatch instead of do cheap eats? Right, no? Okay, you go down first. Shall we have a little look? I don't want to go down there ahead of you. You're keen to do this, not me.

I'm going to follow this map. It's got the key. Let me finish my drinky-boo. Fuck's sake. Right, lead on, ducky. We're going to go down. I'll open the door. Here we go.

You see? There's a ladder going going down there But there should be nothing there Theoretically, there should be the void underneath this door And instead, there is a A ladder going down A ladder going down, like a stone A stone well It looks like a stone well Alright

You go first Well, at the bottom, we just go that way So, we know which way to go Alright Or you go down And it's only a few metres To this S S and C

Eli Don't need to labour it They kind of know Where this is going Do they You go over and over Does anyone know where I don't know where it's going

Well if they don't Then that's fair enough But just to go over and over You've found a map That goes down And then that way Where are we physically To a special goal

It's S&C. What does that mean? They don't know. I bet they don't know. You want to be Captain Subtle? Let's just do it three or four times in a row to prove the point. I'm giving you coverage to work with in the edit pool. Cover you? In my ridge? In my googie googie. Right.

Just go on. No! I'm going to whip out my googoo meister and it's going to slap your glooboo. Boogie Googie! Googie! Fern and Gergen. Oh, God. He's looking...

He looks sad, ladies and gentlemen. Let's go down this imaginary well. Fat Daddy Happy Splash. No. Yeah. Yeah. It might be a new character. Right, are you coming down? Let's just go on then. No. Yeah. Yeah. It might be a new character. Right, are you coming down?

Let's just go. Go on then. You go first. Go on. Keep going. It's cold. It's clammy. It's getting colder the further down we go.

Are you meant to get hot? Closer to the earth. It's core. Where is this? Where is this? Weird. Okay. I can't see.

Have you got a torch? Put your light on your torch. All right. Excellent. Now we can see. Right. Good. This way.

What, that way on the map? The only way, because there's a tunnel. Is it a tunnel? I don't know. We haven't mapped it out, have we? It's a little tunnel

ahead of us, isn't it? The size of a, I don't know, corridor made of stone. Walk down it. Come on. We're walking down. Look at this door.

I can't see. Shine a light up there. What's that say? It says, The... Le... Le... Le...

Snips. Le... Snips. The le... Le... Allergy of snabs. The le... You...

The merge of babs. Snacks and cock. The larger box. And cocks. The leisure box. Crips and dops. The le... Le... Le... Le... Le... Le... Le... Le... Le... Le... Le... Le... Le... Le... Le... Le... Le... Le... Le... Le... Le... Le... Le... Le... Le... Le... Le... Le... Le... Le... Le... Le... Le... Le... Le... Le... Le... Le... Le... Snacks and cock The larger box And cocks The leisure box The crips and dops The lurban durble The lurban Durbal

Durbal Bubble Bubble Bubble The lieber Bubble Dubble It's the league of

Snacks and crisps What does that Let me rub it Let me rub it Rub the enamel Rub the sign Rub this brass plate Hang on

Get some brass out Oh my god It does It says You're right the sign. Rub this brass plate. Hang on. Get some brass out. Oh my god, it does. It says, you're right. It's the League of Slacks. It's the goddamn League. Why are we here? I didn't know there was a... Why is the League down here? Perhaps, forsooth, the key you hold, it doth open said door. Let's try. Oh.

Oh, words. Who's this man? Who's this man coming along? Oh, there's this little man now. We didn't talk about this. He, oh, I'm the scribe of the League of Snacks and Crisps. Right. What brings you to the inner sanctum of the league, fair traveller? Well, we make a podcast.

Travellers. Travellers. Yeah, I know. Well caught. You make a podcast, do you? Yeah, we make a podcast in the pod void, and we found a hat that leads to this fucking bullshit concept, and we followed it down here.

And what's interesting is that we have been, on our podcast, tasting snacks and crisps for our own amusement and rating it for the wider public to learn from. For the League? For the League. Now, you've entered the inner sanctum, and down here in the inner sanctum of the League, we have the full records, the library of the league's findings

Right, anyway, you've laboured that Let's move on We've got a letter, ladies and gentlemen And a package Oh, the letter I am the scribe No, I am not interested in this character Going forward

The scribe of the league must read the letter No, you're not reading the fucking letter Give me it here Dear Paul and Eli No, I can't have you read that letter in that voice For the next 15, perhaps 20 minutes. It can't, I'm not having it. Give it here.

I'll go back to my watch and write about crisps and snacks. Eli, this character is unnecessary for the concept we dreamt up. Oh, it's unnecessary, my character, is it? Yes. It's unnecessary, is it, Paul? Yes, it is an unnecessary addition To the concept of a Temple of leagues of snacks and crisps

That we find And then we've discovered It's Lord Howe's canon now Masonic kind of group Thank you Mr Scribe I'll just leave you boys to it You make yourself at home There is absolutely no comedic nutritional value

To this character I'll go and write about crisps in a big book Make yourself a tome. There is absolutely no comedic nutritional value to this character. I'll go and write about crisps in a big book. Do you know what it is? You know what this book is, lad? Yes. The tome odour crisp. Tome odour crisp. When are you going to get it?

I'm going. This character does not work. I'm going back into the sanctum. It actually makes this more protracted. The inner sanctum of the sanctum. Bye. Go on, bye. Eli, come back

Bye Right Bye Oh Oh, I'm just going in Hello, darling Oh, what's for tea? There he goes, Paul

What an amazing Amazing place Who knew that the inner sanctum Of the League of Snacks and Crisps was here So, what I'm going to do, Eli Is I'm going to Force you Eli, is I'm going to force you down to the ground, pull out your penis,

grip it in my hand, squeeze it so the meat is open slightly, and then I'm going to pour half the bottle of that house of pickles down your meat-a-sole, and then I'm going to

put my thumb on the top and shake it like a champagne bottle, and then let you go off in a hot geyser of painful piss steam until you thrash around in agony

ladies and gentlemen we've received a letter and it's concerning the league of snacks and crisps yes so all this eight nine minute protracted fucking beginning was to say that we got a box in the po box and it was from uh someone called ben and ben has done the po box yeah we got a box in the po box yes we did so it was full of letter we got a box, and it was full of crisps, and I was like, holy shit. Here's the letter. Dear Paul and Eli, Hello. Hello. I hope you're both well. I'm a big fan of Cheap Show and wanted to send you something in as a way of saying thank you

for entertaining us every week. Your recent decision to update the League of Snacks and crisps with a new accuracy rating was an excellent one. However, it has meant that the previous entrants to the League are now lacking this crucial information. I thought I'd help remedy that by furnishing you with a box meant that the previous entrants to the league are now lacking this crucial information. I thought I'd help remedy that by furnishing you with a box containing all the previous entrants so that you might be able to provide us with this valuable data.

Unfortunately, while putting this package together, I realised I was unable to find Branigan's crisps anywhere. I messaged KP Snacks on Twitter asking where I might find them, and they replied, cut to a little post cut out image of the Twitter response from KP Chris saying, Hi Ben, I'm afraid this range has been discontinued. Apologies for any disappointment. That is a huge piece of news. They were the biggest

cult crisp out there. And I bought some just last year. Yeah, because we had them on the show. We tasted some... Bacon one? No, the roast beef and mustard. So they say the range is discontinued, not just that flavour. The range has been discontinued. Unbelievable.

They snuck that out, didn't they, KP? Those are the best crisps they ever did. Putting out bad news. That almond pickle was nice, wasn't it? And the roast beef and mustard had a real bite. And they had that unique texture, those crisps, don't they? That rough hewn with the skin on sort of texture. Makes it all rough and all tasty.

Crunchy, very crunchy. Texture-less. Crunchy and hot crisps, they were. Yeah, it's a nice, satisfying snack. Well, they're gone forever. Gone. And I bet if you go on eBay now, their price is fucking going through the roof of unopened packets.

I've got legitimate, unopened, sealed-in box, new old stock, Brannigan's crisps. Terrible. Shame on you, KP. KP, we're calling you out. Almost as bad as Walker's dropping the cheese moments and lying about it. KP, basically, cunt persons.

That's what it stands for. Cunt persons. KP snacks, cunt person snacks. Edgy. I've also taken the liberty to include some snacks in Chris that I think may qualify for the league, although, obviously, such important decisions remain that I think may qualify for the league although obviously such important decisions

remain up to you as guardians of the league well thank you for the deference to our standing thank you very much so the five he's put in here that we haven't tried are wheat crunchies

skips salt and shake squares and frazzles they're the ones we're going to start with okay we have to give them full marks and then he does go

I realise that a box of 22 different snacks and crisps is a lot to get through. You might not want to dedicate a show just to this. Well, we are. Whether you decide to feature them on the show or not, I won't be offended. Just hope you enjoy them. So here's the thing.

We've got the league standings there. He has gone through every episode and put in, bar the accuracy measurements, right? He's done a recap of everything. That is good. Because this is some important data that you hold in your hand there. Now, I'm just going to go very, very briefly through this list. So hold tight.

Here we go. Here are the snacks we've covered so far. So, Tate's A Criff's Cheese and Onion, Monster Munch Roast Beef, Monster Munch Pickled Onion, Space Raiders Pickled Onion, Space Raiders Beef, Quavers, Cheese, Pip Sticks. Just let me do this. No, Space Raiders Pickled Onion, Space Raiders Beef onion Space Raiders beef Quavers cheese What do you mean pickled onion just let me do this No Space Raiders pickled onion Space Raiders beef

Quavers cheese Chipsticks salt and vinegar Smith's scampi fries Wotsits really cheesy

dry roasted peanuts by KP Snacks Doritos tangy cheese McCoy's salt and vinegar crisps Doritos

chilli heatwave Doritos cool original Branigans roast beast and mustard McCoy's flame grilled steak Smith's bacon fries Branigans smoke ham and pickle Chili Heat Wave, Doritos Cool Original, Brannigan's Roast Beast and Mustard, McCoy's Flame Grilled Steak,

Smith's Bacon Fries, Brannigan's Smoked Ham and Pickle. That's what we've done on the show to date. We need now, in the Sanctum, Paul, in a clear-headed and scientifically-minded approach, with our rational hats on, with our rational hats on, we need to give accuracy scores for all of those crisps.

We do. But, mate, what we should do is start with... Let's get going. Because, look, when I got these out of the bag before, you thought it was a joke, didn't you? When I just put out bag after bag after bag after crisp. We've got a lot of crisps. A lot of crisps.

And don't worry. None of these crisps will go to waste. After this episode, Eli and I, between us, will divvy out what's left over share them and eat them all tonight when we get stoned

because that's how things work so we're going to start with the five that we're going to introduce brand new to the league

alright ok we want to start with those five we have to do full we're going to race through those like mad bastards alright

it's going to be a hot challenge now do you have a pen I do but I'd have to perhaps the scribe has got one I'll go and ask the scribe Paul like mad bastards, all right? It's going to be a hot challenge. Now, do you have a pen? I do, but I'd have to... Perhaps the scribe has got one. I'll go and ask the scribe, Paul. Go ask the scribe.

He's probably next door, isn't he? Okay. Thank you very much. You, of course, will report back. Yes. Thank you. Yeah? Lovely chat, that scribe.

He's entertaining as well. It's just a shame that he's got such a horrible, I don't know, spine-scraping voice that puts me off his appearances. He was in there with that little toilet peeper. Toilet elf thing. Toilet peeper. He's a chair of baby. They were just sitting there. The elf was on the table.

Yeah? The scribe was writing about crisps. And what was he doing? There was a clock, and the clock was like, Woo! The scribe was writing about crisps. And what was he doing? There was a clock, and the clock was like, Ooh! Oh, look, it's Lewis Carroll Silverman. Right. It's a magical place, the sanctum.

I have a pen. So we're going to start with entry into the hollowed temple of the league. These are the new ones we're doing first. We're entering these new. Into the league of snacks and crisps. And these will be entered in fully. I'm sorry to criticize your technique. Wouldn't it make more sense to take a little bit more time with these new ones?

And then we only have to do accuracies for those other 20 or so crisps there. Yeah, I know. That is what we are doing. We just need some time to get an accurate score for these. I'll tell you what. Let's just do these five right now. End the segment. Job done.

Get out this fucking temple. Carry on with the show. Okay. All right? Yeah. Think of it as something more better than it is, which is us eating crisps nonstop. All right? Okay.

So what do you want to start with? Salt and shake. Salt and shake. And we haven't done. We haven't done salt and shake. So back in the day, I did a little bit of research. Crisps used to be just completely plain in the bag. And then they added the little blue packet into crisps at some point years ago.

And you could flavor them yourselves. Which is why when you buy crisps called ready salted, it is because when they began to salt the crisps themselves in the packet, they're already salted. Which is why they're called ready salted. No one had the idea of just putting the salt on in the factory. You add it yourself in a little sachet or something or maybe you bought them open and you shook up the flavor into it you know what i mean i mean so these are in a sort of retro crisp that's stuck around it's

weirdly yeah it's a relic of how crisps used to be it's like it's like the rolling tobacco of crisps in that you know there's a lot of effort into rolling cigarettes and you don't need to because you just buy cigarettes right but you like rolling cigarettes so people keep't need to because you just buy cigarettes, right? Yeah. But you like rolling cigarettes so people keep buying it. Yes. So it's like that with Chris. You don't need to smoke it. It definitely is.

And it's strange that it's sort of a retro thing. I've got a question. Do you think they ever did special editions of Salt and Shake which had different flavours in the boo pack? The back of my head

wants to suggest yes. I know, but I don't think it's true. I'm going to have a little look. That would be amazing if they had. It does say that, yeah, there's don't think it's true. I'm going to have a little look. That would be amazing if they had. It does say that, yeah, there's only ever been...

There's only ever been blue. The blue salt, yeah. Now, they're missing a trick there, aren't they? In this world of... Paul, in this world of flavour possibilities, what these people can do with different flavours of different things. Imagine that.

Limited edition salt and shake, like... You can shake roast chicken on. Or something. Or you can shake cheese and onion on. Weird. Wouldn't that be good? To your own delectation. Wouldn't that be good?

Yeah. Or you could mix it up. You could mix cocktails where you put a bit of chicken in and a bit of onion. Or a bit of beef and a bit of tomato. Exactly. And shake your own crisp flavour. Josh and shake. Josh and shake.

Yeah. Splosh and Josh. Why is it? We're not coming into this. It's a bag of crisps that you get little satchels. I fuck crisps. I fuck a hole in crisps. I put hair into a crisp packet and fuck it.

No. I put half a pound of suet into a crisp packet. No. And then I run up. I run up a ramp. I run all the way up a ramp, Paul, like that with my dick out. That's not what I was going to suggest. I don't know where that escalated to. Paul.

I was merely going to suggest each packet of crisps comes with a little sachet full of my semen. And that's each flavour, because I eat a lot of pineapples one day, and I gush out a load of pineapple spoff. And then the next day, I'll eat a lot of, I don't know, aspie spumante, and I make it all frothy. And it comes out all foamy. Asti-spumante. Like hand sanitizer from a squirty bottle. The other thing, the other, I may be apocryphal, but there's a story I heard about Salt and Shake,

is that someone wrote to complain that he didn't get... A little blue packet. And then he got sent... A big box of blue packets. Blue packets. It's apocryphal indeed, but I like that story. So, just again, to anyone who... Because I think they're only in the UK, these crisps, aren't they?

Possibly. But the idea is you get a bag of absolutely plain crisps and you get a little blue sachet of salt and you shake it in. In the crisps. And then you open the salt, pour it in, shake it about, flavoured crisps. Now, what are your memories about these? I remember these only ever being bought in our family in like six packs from Iceland or quick save or whatever it was. You don't see these on the shelf very often these days at all. Not on their own.

No. They are still a multi-bag thing. How can I tell if this is a multi-pack one? Well, it might say not to be sold separately. No, it doesn't. There you go. Maybe. I love these, I have to say.

Now, I'm going to do... Are we ready for the tasting? Yeah. Well, you're going to have to do a half. It's really nice. It's a really... Familiar potato-y... Yes, extremely potato-y,

just like a really basic crisp huff. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, it's right. It's kind of really comforting smell. Yes. It's strange how that's...

It's that comforting smell of the vegetable oil and the potato. The vegetable oil and the potato is all it is. So have you found the little blue packet yet?

Let's have a little. It must be in there somewhere. So what I tend to do when I eat these is I'll have one without any salt. Yeah, yeah, I do that. That's easy.

So it adds a sort of level of play into it, doesn't it? Yeah, it does. It's like, I'm going to have one, just virginial, just plain,

I'm going to have one. I want a plate. Now, there's not much there, obviously, but they're... Still quite tasty though, aren't they? They're not unpleasant, but there's...

They're very plain. Nothing going on outside of this is baked potato. Now I'm going to put the salt into the salt and shake packet to pour. Now shake it up. And I'm going to shake it off. Squeeze the neck of the packet. Shake it off. Shake, shake it off.

Shake the packet. Shake it off. Shake, shake it off. Shake the packet. Shake it off. Shake, shake the packet. Shake it up and shake it off. I've Shake it off Shake, shake the packet Shake it up and shake it off I've done it

I have done that now Oh, you put the blue little bag Full of salt in the crisp And then you Shake it off And then you put the little bag And you pour it full of salt And then you shake it

Shake it Then you get a bunch of suet And you pour it in the crisp And you put some hair around it And you do a little slip Then you run up a of suet and you put it in the crisp. Then you put some head around it and you do a little slip. Then you run up a ramp with your dog hanging out. And you plunge it. You plunge it.

You plunge it in the pack. Plunge it up. Plunge it up. Plunge it in the suet. Plunge it up the crisp. I've got suet in my meters. Suet in my meters. Suet.

Suet. Right, have you shook it up? I'm about to have a shook crisp. Have one. Have a little. Don't fill yourself up, I know. The temptation is to eat the whole of that. And I did, I did.

Big gobble. They are lovely. They really are. They're a very, very simple, very, very basic snack, but there's something about the process of eating it which is rewarding.

Just, but that's just what a potato crisp chip, whatever you want to call it, should be. That's what it is, essentially. It's salty.

It's a salty... Brass tacks time. Okay. Flavour, seven. I'll go eight. 7.5, a bit of a difference.

7.5. I think it's better than that. 7.5. A difference. 7.5. I think it's better than that. 7.5. Does that work? Yeah. Texture. Nine. Yeah, it's crisp.

Great. Very lovely texture. It's a bit simple, but it's plain. But that's what I mean. It's simple. It's that basicness that makes it good. I don't know how much that costs on its own, but it can't be that much, right? Well, just toss it off.

7.5. Well, it's not. If you think about it in terms of ecology or the environment, it's not as good, is it? No, that's true. Because you have to add extra packaging. So maybe we... The 7.

And then nostalgia. This is going to have to rank high because it's trades on it. It's 9.4. Should we go that high? We're not going to do 0.4s on 7. We'll be either 0.5 or a round number. All right.

I think 9.5 for nostalgia. It's for me personally, Paul, it's a hugely nostalgic list. Well, I'm only going to agree with you, but only because it's a whole brand that's built on. Remember the old days? Yeah, it literally is a nostalgic, it's working with nostalgia,

so it has to get a 9.5. So 9.5 add 7 equals what, Mr. Silverman? It's 15.5. Add 9. Sorry, 16.5. Add 9. Sorry, 16.5. Add 9. 25.5. Add 7.5.

33. So we've got 33. Now, accuracy of flavour. How do you even rank that? What do they claim to taste of? Nothing. We can't give them an accuracy because we'll run up

against a problem with the league here. The whole basis of this segment was putting it down and it's like crisp flavour. They taste exactly

like crisps with salt. So they do not give the accuracy it's either 10 or 0. That's the problem? No, we've got to

compromise for the light one. Give it an average score so it doesn't push it you know. Let's do 8. No, let's do 7 actually for the light one. All right. Give it an average score so it doesn't push it, you know. Let's do eight. Eight? Okay. No, let's do seven, actually, because seven seems to be an average. Yeah, I think seven is, yeah.

So seven out of 33 is 40. Yes. Congratulations, Walkers. You've reached a quite decent 40. It's good. I think they're lovely, I have to say. Next. I would buy those and eat them and consume them.

Right. What's next? I'm going to go with these ones next. Walkers, or they used to be Smith's Square Cr crisps and they are a flavored potato snack how are they made snacks with angles is where it's at they're all mushed up a load of potato yeah and then they're squeezed into square shapes and then i like but i like the texture of these i'm gonna have. Oh, it's salt and vinegar and it's a proper good tangy salt and vinegar. It's got a proper tang on. Sniff that.

Mmm. Yeah. You know they're famous for having a very sharp vinegar. Very sharp vinegar. Because they did other flavours. They did salt and cheese and onion, don't they? Yeah. And spring onion ones, I think.

No, I'm very salted. And that's my favourite because that's kind of cracked to me, that one, for some reason. But I think my favourite is the salt and vinegar. We are only going to cover the salt and vinegar so they'll have to stand in for yeah uh all of square flavored crisp and they are square crisp by the way if you if you don't know by now and it's processed potatoes yes is it fried or baked it does not say

no i just i i think if they're baked like with watsits these days they say they're baked because they try to push that so i don't they think they're probably, like with Watsits these days, they say they're baked because they try to push that. So I think they're probably still fried. Right. They have a unique texture, don't they? Yeah, I like it. They're very crunchy and sharp and jagged. Can we just say as well, Smiths was the original brand which Walkers took over, didn't they?

Yeah. Because the Salt and Shake were Smiths. Yeah. And even until recent years, not on this, because they've totally done away with the Smiths. Yeah. But in recent years, they'd have Smiths as well as the Walkers thing. Neither of them is in the packet, originally Smiths.

That's a weird thing to put on. And onto the triumvirate of snacks, that still has Smiths written on it. Even though they're living a lie. Is it made by KP, these? I don't know. It says made by Smiths. Are they owned by KP? I don't know.

It's a strange and myriad world of crisp ownership. It's like the Chinatown of snacks. It is. Now. So, go on. Test, test. The half is a seriously impressive beast on these squares. I like Smith Square crisps a lot.

They're nice crunch. Extremely crunchy. Aren't they? And that's all you can ask for, really. And even the salt and vinegar's kind of sweet. Slightly sweet. You know what I mean? Tart.

It's got a vinegary tang, but it's also like... There is a sweetness. But it's not... The vinegar has a sweetness. You're right, at the end. Yes. Oh, yeah, it's not too sharp. It's sort of...

It's smooth, almost. There's a little stab at the beginning, and then it kind of mellows out. Those are great. Those are great. Aren't they? Right. Excellent. So, flavour. And that's a high one for me. That's great. Those are great. Aren't they? Right. Excellent. So, flavour.

And that's a high one for me. That's 8.5, I reckon. Easy 8.5. Texture. 8.5. It has to be 8.5 as well. Again, I'll go with that then. Value.

Now, these are actually quite cheap. You get them in snack deals and meal deals. And a grab bag isn't too much expensive. Let's give that an 8. So, I'm going to give that an 8. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is good. Nostalgia.

They were around always, but they never seemed to have much of an identity of their own. Do you know what I mean? They kind of are a lingering snack. They sort of hang around with the other stuff. Do you know what I mean? You sometimes wonder if they should have been relegated to the crisps of the yesteryear, like discos or bits of pizza or whatever they were called.

They're in that league. They're in that second tier league. Not to get into tiers, because we don't do that. We don't fucking do that. This is the league. But they are... The human league. Not to get into tiers because we don't do that. We don't fucking do that. This is the league. But they are the human league. They're a second

tiers for tiers. They're not anyone's sort of big they must be some people's but they're not like Jesus wept. They're not

that's the temple duck that you heard just there. They're not like they're not well fondly remember like snacks or monster munch or whatever. They're not ones that come're not well fondly remembered like snacks or Monster Munch or whatever.

They're not ones that come to people's minds, but they were around the whole time. But they are an 80s snack in my head. I think we should go for a seven for nostalgia.

Fine. Accuracy, salt and vinegar. This is always interesting when we do this because they're generic kind of, salt and vinegar

between different types of crisps aren't going to waver that much, but they are dependent on the form of the snack, whether it's baked or grilled. The texture determines how that flavour is delivered delivered but i would say accuracy is quite high then i would say like 8.5 aren't they yeah yeah all right we're in agreement so let's go through this 8.5 and 8.5 is uh 17 17 plus 8 is 23 25 plus 7 god i can't believe you're making me do this 32

plus 8.5 40.5 40.5 a very respectable score it just sneaks ahead of the Walker's salt and shake there well you know

they are they're very tasty aren't they yeah now moving on Paul moving on Mr Silverman another crisp

with a long longer than you would have thought history when do you think wheat crunch we're on to wheat crunchies by the way that to me seems like a 90s snack Another crisp with a longer than you would have thought history. When do you think wheat crunchies... We're on to wheat crunchies, by the way. That, to me, seems like a 90s snack. That seems to have popped up in the 90s. No?

No. When? 60s. Suck my fat chod. Or 50s. Get it out. Get your phone out. When were wheat crunchies invented?

First hit the shelves in 87. 87. Okay. Tube-shaped potato tubes. They're originally in cheddar and onion, spicy tomato, and crispy bacon flavour. Do you remember the spicy tomato ones?

I do not. They were bloody excellent. Do you know what, Paul? And I've noticed this is happening with a lot of these heritage brands, that they only bring them back, or they only continue in the most popular flavours,

and they don't have the range. Whereas other things are like Pringles, whatever, are going mad with the range. Yeah. They're with these heritage sort of nostalgic brands. They just bring back... The ones you remember. Yeah. It's like you're not going to get most of the original Monster Munch,

but you are going to get pickled onion and smoked beef. Yeah, there were other Monster Munch flavours. There was like tomato, wasn't there, or something? Yeah. So, Wheat Crunchies. What was it on the front what they're made of? Wheat, potatoes, something?

Flavour Wheaty Tubes. Nice. Yeah, it's a tube. You could fill that with hair and lard and then run up a ramp. Yeah. Splodge!

Splodge Cannon, Paul! I'm going to plunge my Splodge Cannon into your... Right, I'm going to take a break while he does this. ...your suet hole. Suet. You know what?

Suet made you laugh last time. You reached for it again, and it was out of your grasp. Come on, 34 minutes. Okay. Okay. So we're going to taste these wheat crunchies. Wheat crunchies. These are the most popular flavour easily, the crispy bacon flavour.

And it works very well with the texture of this as well. They're extremely crunchy. They're not lying. Open them up and give them a huff that's a good huff it's a good by anyone's definition that's a it's a mighty mighty huff you know what that huff reminds me of going into a kitchen when someone's making a big roast dinner and you walk into the nice beefy huff when you walk into the space like oh oh i'm hungry for chicken now And they also look like little sea cucumbers. That's what they look like. Sea cucumbers?

Yes. Oh, yes, they do. Yeah, they do. Let's have a... We're both eating one. Oh. Mmm. Very nice.

Extremely crunchy. One thing I would say, I feel that the flavour could be amped up a couple of notches. Do you know what I mean? Here's the thing I was going to say. It feels like it's coated in that flavouring, right? But the flavouring's uneven. So one bite can be light on flavour,

and then the next one you get a clump of that bacon. This is a problem, isn't it? Do you see what I'm getting at? So it feels like there is flavour there, but it's uneven across the bite. Yeah, I just think generally not enough of the flavour powder. So having said that, Paul, having said that,

let's go to the scores for wheat crunchies here. Flavour. I'd say 7.5. I was just going to say 7 on the nose. Yeah, let's say 7. The flavour isn't the thing. I feel like all the.5s is testing your math skills. No, it's not.

Texture. I love the texture of these. It's like a Monster Munchie. It's a good, satisfying bite. Very good texture. I would go 9. I would say 9. Yeah. Value. They're got to go with nine. I would say nine. Yeah.

Value. They're quite cheap these days. Heritage snacks tend to be. More for your money. Heritage snacks. I love the way that works. I like that. We've added that to the lexicon of the league.

Right. Heritage snacks. Okay, yes, you're right. So we'll give it an average score, not, you know. Eight? Okay, fine. Yeah, they are good value, aren't they? You can get those.

Nostalgia. Interesting. Again, similar to the Square Crisps in that they're sort of a also ran and also ran snack yeah in the nostalgia states that are also nostalgia i think if we model what we gave square crisps oh that would be uh seven i think i think so yeah again they're you know they do have some nostalgia but they're nothing like the powerhouses of Monster Munch or Disco's even. So accuracy. So what was it? Bacon?

Bacon. Nah. No. Bacon's one of those weird things where it's like banana to me. I don't like banana-flavoured snacks, but I know what they're getting at, but it's not quite right. Whereas that's the same. I know that says bacon,

but if you hadn't put bacon on the pack and made the packet purple i could have said beef yeah or you could say yeah ham you could say almost anything or just sort of savory yes they're not very accurate they've got a unique flavor which is the flavor of of crispy bacon wheat crunchies but it's not the flavor of actual i got a bit stuck in the throat i got on. I've got the wheat crunch. He's trying to kill me. Well, that's what they're going for, is they're going for the crunch. The crisp is the crisp of the wheat tube itself, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, so what do you want to say for accuracy? I think low. I think we'd go for seven. It doesn't taste like bacon. I was going to say 6.5. Yeah, good, good. We're in agreement. Right, maths time.

Seven and seven. Fourteen. Add nine. Twenty-three. Add eight. Thirty. Good. We're in agreement. Right, maths time. 7 and 7. 14. Add 9. 23. Add 8. 31. Add 6.5. 37.5.

37.5 for that. Two more snacks and a go. Which one are Frazzles and Skips left? What do you want to do? Well, should we stick with the bacon as a direct comparison? You know what? That's a very solid idea. I like it.

Now, Frazzles are Smith's. It says Smith's on this. Interesting. Smith's still around. I don't understand. I'm confused. Yeah, very confused. We could look it up now,

but it's also 38 minutes in and I can't be arsed. Okay, come on. We can do this, Paul. We can do this. Now, Frazzles, any opening thoughts on Frazzles?

I think we've had this discussion before. I think on Barsians as well, we talked about how either they don't taste as they used to, and they're too sweet now, or maybe they've always tasted like that, and we just remember differently. But we kind of feel like we're disappointed with modern frazzles. We are. They're insipid. Now, Havahoff, it's funny, because it's exactly the same flavour as the Wheat Crunchies,

but it's a totally different half, isn't it? This is a bit more kind of, I don't know, it's like watery? It's not the best word to describe it, but it's got a kind of... That to me has got more of a smokey flavour than the Wheat Crunchies. I'm comparing the halves directly here, Paul. He's going hoof to hoof. One bag, that's the Wheat Crunchies. The Wheat Crunchies are much more generic, savoury, of. Like, could be even Marmite-y almost. Yeah. But that's more of a smoky. The frazzles have got more of a smoky.

It's interesting, Paul. These are both crispy bacon flavour, but one is a corn snack and one is a wheat snack. And I like, I think I prefer the texture to frazzles. But let's try the taste. There just is no bacon to it. It's all aroma, the whole bacon-ness. It kind of feels like it's all up front, doesn't it? The first smell, and then after that, it's like, oh.

It totally is all up front, isn't it? And it kind of leaves a very sweet aftertaste. But that sweetness just comes from the corn. Yeah. That melting corn sensation is the sweet part. Well, that's what happens with large starch. It's like if you eat... Have they lost their colour as well?

Yeah. Because on the packet, it looked like they're more striped. No, they used to be more coloured and... These are just kind of, I don't know, orangey? Slightly, but they used to be like distinct streaks and then the bacon would be like an intense sort of... Chemically, almost. Do you know what I love?

Those ones, those bacon snacks you can get from like most shops around here, funnily enough. They're huge, big bacon snacks, but they're like square crisp, but like with a Quaver's texture. And they're bacon. Oh, yeah, those. I've never tried those. Oh, mate, they are evil.

You put them on your tongue and they kind of crackle and stick to your tongue and then melt away. Yeah, yeah. It's a very similar flavour to a frazzle, but kind of sweeter, but longer lasting. We need to find them. Do you prefer the flavour of those? Those frazzles are underpowered compared to the frazzles of old, Paul. They are. I think they are.

I just don't know what I prefer in terms of flavour, those or the wheat crunchies. It's a tough one. Let's just go through it. Let's go in. Let's go in. Flavour. Oh, well, there you go. First one.

I'm going to say 6.5. You don't like them? No, they're not. It's not good. There's nothing. Five? I'd say six. Six.

Yeah. Texture. I like the texture of frazzles Yeah eight I always have Should we say eight I like that melty feeling you get They're good

It's a good nice Eight is fine for me Okay Good nice corn Crisp corn texture Value It's airy They're light

Aren't they They're light Value I think they're still quite cheap Meal deals and such like that Those definitely are I think we should give them a high Because look

You get 39p Or you can get any packs for three Oh that's true Oh that gets a nine then because that's a proper deal. That's a proper deal. If you're partial, you'll buy three. And also, you can get them in deals

with other crisps. Like, the only type of crisp packet... Chipsticks. Chipsticks you get them with and also with the Cheetos, you know? With the Cheetos that are like knick-knacks. Proper American Cheetos. Yeah.

See, look, you're right. Three for one pound with Sniff's chipsticks. Oh, it's good, that. So we're definitely giving it a better value score than the Wheat Crunch Cheetos because I don't think... I've put nine down.

I think that's a great deal. And for nostalgia... Ooh. It's high. It is high. But... People talk about frazzles and they use frazzles...

As shorthand for bacon crisps, don't they? Yes. 8.5? Yeah. It's the epitome of a bacon... A British bacon crisp. It's kind epitome of a British bacon crisp.

It's kind of like the gold standard. It is. Even if that standard has dropped. But also, people use frazzles in terrible comedy sketches

and sort of say, oh, his dick was like a frazzle or something, don't they? Yeah. She had a fanny like a bag of frazzles. Yeah, or like, your nipples are like two frazzles in the sun.

Or also, like a big bag of frazzles. Or, or like your nipples are like two frazzles in the sun. Or her arsehole is like a big bag of frazzles. I've got a huge sack of suet, hairy suet. Okay, so ladies and gentlemen, today's episode of Cheap Show has been brought to you by the words Pompidou and suet. Right, so accuracy. That's low again for me, really. It's low.

I think they taste less of bacon than the Wheat Crunchies. It's a six. Yeah. Here we go. And I think if we were of bacon than the Wheat Crunchies. It's a six. Yeah. Here we go. And I think if we were doing this 20 years ago when they were proper, these scores might be different. Storming it. You know?

Have we given nostalgia the highest score from all of this? No. We've given it 8.5. Salt and Shake got 9.5 because it's all nostalgia. Yes. All the time. What have we got? Well, let's go through it.

So we've got six and eight. 14. Add nine. Yes. All the time. What have we got? Well, let's go through it. So we've got six and eight. Fourteen. Add nine. Twenty-three. Add six. Twenty-nine. Add 8.5. Thirty-seven point five.

So that's got six. No, hang on. Oh, fuck. Do it again. Six and six. Twelve. Add eight. Twenty.

Add nine. Twenty-nine. Add 8.5. Add 9. 29. Add 8.5. 37.5. 37.5. So the same as the Wheat Crunchies, funnily enough. Okay. It caught up on value.

Yeah. So last bag, Skips. Any opening remarks about Skips, Paul? Prawn cocktail is a strange flavour, and I don't understand it, but it's a hangover from the 70s. It is, because you don't usually... You do get prawn cocktails still, but they must have been quite ubiquitous

in the era that these were invented. Yeah. And a prawn cocktail is basically a bunch of prawns in... What's it called? A rosemary sauce. I don't know. It's a kind of angel delight kind of

blob of shit with real prawns in it. It's a pink rosemary, I think it's called. Fucking disgusting. It's just basically ketchup and mayonnaise mixed together. This fucking country. Skips are a snack from the United Kingdom and Ireland. They were first launched in

1974 in prawn cocktail flavour. They have first launched in 1974 in prawn cocktail flavour. They have released other flavours over time. Skips are similar to Chinese prawn crackers, although they are smaller and have a finer texture that makes them fizz and melt on the tongue. And that was a big selling point, wasn't it? Yes, because you can get them, they stick to your tongue as they...

So I'm going to have a half of these. Paul. Yeah. Paul. Yeah. Fishy. Fishy? I mean, I guess. Are there any real fish in here? Because you can't even...

I don't think there is. I don't think there is. Oh, they have pickled onion, Caribbean spice curry, Rio chili, spare rib. And briefly they had pizza flavor. Quite adventurous. I think I remember the pizza flavor ones. Give that a huff. Oh, you're right.

It does smell like Brighton fish shop. I think I remember the pizza flavour ones. Give that a huff. Oh, you're right. It does smell like Brighton fish shop. Yeah. Like a fish and chip shop. I don't know how I feel about it. I'm going to have some. You have some. And they're little flour shakes.

They are made with tapioca starch. Oh. And in Ireland with potato starch. That's interesting, isn't it? They're nice. Oh. And they do sell it

on the taste sensation of the melty thing, don't they? I mean, I love the texture skips It's a unique texture, isn't it? It's such an overly sweet flavour Very sweet And I honestly don't know if it tastes anything like a prawn cocktail dessert Sort of

It tastes more of the sauce than the actual prawn To me, that tastes more like a slightly fishier ketchup Yeah, that's a good way of putting it. Yeah? Yeah. Someone's dropped an anchovy in my ketchup. I like the flavour of it more. I like the texture of it more than the flavour.

Someone's been injecting anchovies into my ketchup in the night. Yes, doctor. Do you know what I call that person? Yeah. Anchovy injector of the night. Do you know how he sounds, Paul? We are not turning this into a fucking character generating machine. A gum bum bum.

A gum bum bum. no there are no no more characters this week oh come on this oh all right right skips flavor i don't like it really it doesn't work for me i would rate this low i would say if i was going to be fair six i think we should go up to seven 6..5, sir. Okay. Texture. I like the texture. And they sell it on it. Yeah, it's very good.

Very good. Nine. Value. Average, I would say 7.5. Yeah, average value on the skips. Yeah. Nostalgia. Are they a nostalgic crisp?

I guess they are. They are very nostalgic. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. But how nostalgic? I remember people saying, oh, smell my finger.

And then saying... It's been up my fanny. What's this got to do with crisps? I don't know. I hate you, mum. Eight? Accuracy. I can't possibly comment on how accurate it is. But even I think that's got to be

pretty low. There's a fishiness on the smell, but then there's not really any fish sort of prawniness in the flavour. It's just it tastes, if it was prawn cocktail sauce flavour, then it is accurate. So I think it is quite accurate. That's what that prawn cocktail sauce tastes like. Yeah, but I don't know.

The flavour itself I don't like. So it's a 6.5. But I'm telling you, it is quite accurate. So we need a high accuracy score. 8? Yes. Here we go, Silverman. 7 and 7?

14. 8 and 8? 16. Add them together. 30. Add 9. 39. Oh, so here we go.

Just a little recap. OK. Wheat Crunchies ultimately scored 37.5. Skips, 39. Salt and Shake, 40. Squares scored 37.5, Skips 39, Salt and Shake 40, Squares 40.5, and Frazzles 37.5. So an interesting... Squares came out on top in that group. Just edged out.

Just edged out a little bit. So that's fascinating stuff. What was your favourite from that bunch, would you say? If you had to just grab a pack and just eat them. Oh, Square Crisps. Really? Easy. I think Salt and Shake. That's fine. I can understand that. I do. It's a play snack, isn a pack and just eat them. Oh, square crisps. Really? Easy. I think salt and shake.

That's fine. I can understand that. I do. It's a play snack, isn't it? I love them. It's a nice heritage snack. Paul, are we going to a sound effect now? And then...

Yeah, because this has been going for 50 minutes, and we now have 20 more bags of crisps. Oh, my God. So I'm going to have a little think. Bear with us. Oh, God. I can't eat any more crisps i can't do it oh god ladies and gentlemen i'm all crisped out 40 minutes eating 20 bags of crisps we rated the accuracy but if you would like to listen to that then simply become a patron because they're having it because it's too long

and it was quite dry the crisps and the chat now give me the results so ladies and gentlemen Eli Silverman now with the top of the crisps league of snacks and crisps top chart ultimately final results as amended with accuracy added and here you go this is the fully updated

state of the art up to the minute league of snacks and crisps run down Paul take it away in no particular order no because we didn't do that. Tato crisps, 40. Monster Munch roast beef flavour, 40. Monster Munch pickled onion flavour, 42.5. Space Raiders pickled onion, 42.25. Oh, God, I must not be turning just thinking back at all these splashing flavours. Space Raiders beef, 37.75. Oh.

Quavers. Oh, jeez. 41. Beef to cheese. Chipsticks, 39. To vinegar. Scampi fries. Oh, cheese. 41. Beef to cheese. Chipsticks. 39. To vinegar. Scampi fries. Oh, to fish.

39.75. Beef to cheese to fish. What's it to cheese? Cheese. 38.75. Oh, God. The cheese and the fish. Dry roasted peanuts.

Oh, dry roasted. God. 38. No. Doritos tangy cheese flavour. Oh, God. 36. Tangy.

McCoy's. McCoy's. Salt Oh, God. 38. No. Doritos Tangy Cheese Flavour. Oh, God. 36. Tangy. McCoy's. McCoy's. Salt and Malt Vinegar. Oh, we didn't mention that.

Malt. We can't go back now. That's why it was sweeter. Yeah. We should have given it a higher score for accuracy. Yeah. They get 37. Still a reputable score.

Yes. Doritos Chili Heat Wave. 34.5. Dog's arse. Doritos Cool Original. 35 34.5 Dog's arse Doritos Cool Original 35 Marginally better

Splosh Brannigan's Roast Beef and Mustard A travesty That they have been Discontinued And we have it here From KP themselves

Yeah 36.5 I'm just glad We got to rate them Before the end of them Disappeared Imagine if we Couldn't add them

To the league The league would be Cross Be terrible McCoy's Flame Grilled Steak 34 Before the end of them. Before they disappeared. Imagine if we couldn't add them to the league. Oh, it would be terrible. The league would be cross. It would be terrible. McCoy's flame-grilled steak, 34. Oh, to beef again. Bacon fries, part of the triumvirate, 35.5. Yeah.

Brennigan smoked ham and pickle. Yeah. 34. We had to guesstimate that, to be fair. Crispy bacon-flavoured wheat crunchies, 37.5. Yeah. Skips prawn cocktail. Oh, back to fish. 39. Walker's salt and shake. It's a salty, 37.5. Yeah. Skips prawn cocktail. Oh, come back to fish.

39. Walker's salt and shake. It's a salty, salty. Square crisps? No, because they're called squares, aren't they? They used to be called square crisps. I think they're always called squares. No, they're called squares.

Oh. I call them square crisps. Smith's square crisps. They're not, though. They're just Smith's square, Walker's squares. Yeah, I know. We've established that. Walker's square salt and vinegar, 40.5.

And lastly, but not leastly, Frazzles. Crispy bacon flavour. There have been other flavours of Frazzles as well, haven't there? Oh, fuck. I want to be done with crisps, mate. 37.5 for crispy bacon flavour Frazzles.

Right, Paul, should we tell the scribe we're done up here and go back up the hatch up the passageway to the... Mate, there's one thing we've got to do before we leave the chamber. We must give a sacrifice to the Masonic gods of snacks. Well, here he comes with that little toilet thing. Do we have to bring him back? Ah!

I'm tired from all the note-taking and indexing I do. So that's what this episode's been? Crisps. Eating crisps. Eating nothing but... I'm the scribe. I don't know who you're talking to now. A rollercoaster of crisp flavours.

I am the scribe of the league. Beef to fish to cheese to salt and vinegar. Have you got some new information to put into the archives? Yes, we have updated the crisps. Here are our findings. Ah. Ooh, look have updated the crisps. Here are our findings. Ah, look at these facts and figures and all the data. It'll go into the archive.

Oh, yes it will. Here's the toilet thing. I'm going back in. What toilet thing? What's this come from? What's the toilet thing? The toilet elf that you must sacrifice. Mr Poopoo Head or whatever he's called. Toilet peeper. Toilet peeper. Toilet peeper. Here is the toilet thing? The toilet elf that you must sacrifice. Mr. Poo-Poo Head or whatever he's called. Toilet Peeper.

Toilet Peeper. Toilet Peeper. Here is the Toilet Peeper. I have no more use for him. You've completed the annals. I'm going. I'll go back into the inner sanctum of the inner sanctum. You know the way back?

Yes, I know the way back. We go down the passage. We go up and then we go up. And then up there. Up through the hatch, back into the podcast. Yeah. Lovely to meet you, Paul. And Eli, may I say you've lost a bit of weight.

Okay. Looking really good, actually. And I'm going. Here's the toilet can. I think this segment has broken me. I think this segment has... Here's the toilet can. We're going to sacrifice the toilet can.

I can see you dangling. Now throw him down the loo. All right. Another. It's called a force of creative. Mate, we should have read that properly. What? We just stabbed a small cherub to death and stuffed it down the toilet.

Yeah. And the sacrifice was just to give him the least voted crisps. Oh, well. We didn't need to kill him. He's gone now. You know what, Paul? I'm quite glad we did. Yeah.

Yeah. I wonder if we can kill off the man who owns the league house. What? The scribe of the league? The scribe. Maybe we can kill him. No, I don't think we should. I think we should kill him.

I can see he's locked himself. He's gone. Yeah. He complimented me on my weight loss. Yeah, because he's a liar. Well, he's a nice liar. He's a deluded. He's a nice liar.

Stupid twat. I just don't care for him. Let's go. Come on. We'll leave him there. Hey. Let's not kill him off. Eli, I know how to get back to the podcast faster.

We're back in now. Ooh, that was magic. Yeah, I just clicked my fingers. We didn't have to go down that passageway in the stone. Or follow the map, Paul. I'm saving myself some editing time at this point. We didn't have to follow the map past the spiders and the clown car.

Or the joke shop. The fireworks explosion. We didn't have to go through any of that. All right. Good. We're back. I just clipped my hands. All right, Paul, let's do it.

Right, so we are going to do a Paul's Page Turners. Now, the background to this was every now and then I'll go to a charity shop and there will be obscure autobiographies. And I was tempted to buy this one, but I didn't know if it'd be worth the money. So I thought I'd go online and read a few reviews while I was in the shop. Oh, has it recently come out? No, it came out a few years ago. Well, this century, it's not like... Yeah, no, yeah, it's come out within living memory.

Yes. But I saw one blog review of this book and it said everything I think we could say. So without me having to read it, he saved me the job. Luckily, it was by a co-host of The Spooktator called Alistair coleman okay and i said mate can i read your blog post i've got it's perfect for cheap show so he said yeah go for it so i'm gonna put a link in the description box for this episode and alistair coleman's online he can follow me he has some great he does a website as well called local people looking angry where you're like you know when

people pose for photographs because they didn't get someone broke a fence and they're angry holding a sign saying, he has a row of pictures on his website of just those shots from local newspapers. Is that the whole website? Yeah, just angry people holding things. So without any further ado, the book we are talking about today is a book called Ed Stewart, Out of the Stew Pot, My Autobiography. Now he's Stew Pot. Now what did he present? What was his most famous presentation?

He was a Radio 1 presenter during the magical heyday of its launch. The early years. He was there with Tony Blackburn. Launched in 67? Yes. Also, I believe he went on to be an editor for Looking Magazine, because when we did that Looking Magazine feature years ago, we brought up stew pot.

And at the time, you said, Oh, i bet he's been you treed and i was like may as far as i know online there's nothing about being stew pot it being you treed however right after reading this anyway should we just dive in yeah dive in so i'm gonna read out this is all alice's words from this point in you can react accordingly so this is his review he did it in 2016 march read out, this is all Alistair's words from this point in. You can react accordingly. So this is his review. He did it in 2016, March 7th. And this is what Alistair said. Long time readers will know that I am a sucker for terrible celebrity autobiographies. And I have finally caught up with the work of the recently deceased Radio 1 DJ, Ed Stewart.

Yeah, because he died, didn't he? Not too long before. A couple of years ago? Yeah. Yeah. Well, 2016, I'd imagine 2015. I think we mentioned it when we did the actual looking article. And after a few weeks to digest this book slowly,

I'd say this runs Don Estelle's close for the title of greatest. Now, Don Estelle. So do you remember the sitcom in the 70s, the sitcom called It Ain't Half Hot, Mum? I don't think I ever watched it myself but i know it was about a performing group of people who traveled i don't know what war it was set in or what okay period maybe the 50s i don't know but it was based on like the writer's own experiences of performing in yes during the war yeah don estelle was an actor in that who was a short

stout guy with glasses and he sang remembering green grass okay with uh his co-host of that sitcom all right donna stelle's autobiography and again i've read the best parts of it is a delicious bitter fest of self him hating everyone hating everyone now the story about donna stella is that he basically faked his way into it up into getting an acting job he conned his way in. He wasn't an actor. He told everyone. No, he was, but he was a bit of a shit kind of red-coated kind of actor.

And he was not TV ready because he was short, stout, weird. But he had delusions of grandeur. And he once shook Arthur Lowe's hand once at some event. And he used that one anecdote to get a job. And apparently someone later said to Arthur Lowe oh yeah no he said you highly

recommended him and Arthur went I don't know the fuck you're talking about so then it talks about how after he was obsessed

with that sitcom and then the few albums he released as a singer the work dived off and then the rest of the back end of the book

is just fucking modern TV run by kids can't give me a thing my wife bitch it's all right so this one by Ed Stewpot

he says is a close second is a close rival in terms of good yeah so get your delicious schadenfreude spoon out I've got my

drink deep so out of the stew pot so again I'm just reading what Alice is writing obviously if you're writing an autobiography you're going to need

an opening line that catches the reader's attention and here's one here's his the book opens with this the german pilot gave a smug smile as he wheeled away towards the english channel it had been a good night's work so basically davis bought birth right i mean i don't know it's like nazis who's gonna fight nazis why it's ww2 fighter said douglas bader and apparently ed and douglas didn't get on so for some reason he's talking now about um douglas bader the famous yeah world war ii pilot who lost his legs right yes so here we go

i was to meet douglas bader years later at a golf day in silvermere in surrey i reminded him that he used to pinch my mother's bottom at the North Hance Golf Club, which didn't go down so well with the members since she was 15 at the time. Then I told him we'd been educated at the same school, St. Edwards in Oxford. And what do you do now? He inquired, not knowing who I was and possibly not even caring. I'm a disc jockey with Radio 1, I replied. A chap from Teddy's? Or nicknamed for St. Edwards.

A disc jockey? He spat the words out in the same tone of voice that Lady Brackwell had used when inquiring about a handbag? Bracknell. Bracknell. Oh yeah, Bracknell. He laughed mischievously and, as I turned away,

I started humming andy fairwater lowe's famous hit wide-eyed and legless i think the relevance was lost on him the relevance relevance was lost on him so that's literally even alice even says this so his first needless to say i had the last laugh celebrity is on the first page is yeah and it's how he insulted one of the greatest war heroes for having no legs what a prick oh the song was about having no legs

yeah it was not having no legs but it was like Wild Art and Legless oh Legless Legless brilliant oh Douglas

bet you can't go to the hop no more can you ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha that's not very

fucking likely is it ha ha ha yeah so just a weird way to what's the word like you just uh, uh, what tootsie? Not very fucking likely, is it? Uh, uh. Yeah. So, just a weird way to... It's like that little kind of, what's the word?

Like you just, little victories. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Little tiny bits of victories. Weirder guy. Because, apparently, because he was disgusted

having come from the same school as the posh guy, he was like, I can't believe we have a disc jockey from our school. A disc jockey! A disc jockey! A disc jockey!

So this is Ed now on his school days an endearing quality in anyone is a sense of humour without one life is dull now already that's a warning sign

thing when people say that when people yeah because basically it's like gotta laugh don't you it's always like cheer up you little bugger cheer up gotta laugh don't you

yeah I've killed him I've killed him you gotta laugh he's dead his wife's a strange yeah she's a widow you've got a lot so important isn't it having a sense of humor anyway i've killed your cat yeah so love a laugh i fucking i fucking laughed its head into the concrete so important isn't it it's a bit of a fucking joke have a little love a little giggle what's important

in life what is important having a little kick a little giggle. A little sense of humour. A little sense of humour. I've burnt your house down. Right, so yeah. So without one, life is dull. And with one, you can see the funny side of everything. Yeah. It's very Noel Edmonds, isn't it? It's the sort of empty platitudes of it as well.

You know what I mean? The sort of flea shade. This even went as far as cold showers in the morning. Especially when you're laughing at each other's willies. Not that they could get much smaller in the cold. They can, mate.

You'd stand in line and then when the master clapped his hands it was your turn for ten seconds of purgatory. I don't know what the fuck that means. The cold shower.

Isn't he referring to the cold shower? Yeah, he's talking about... He had to go in for ten seconds into the cold shower. Into the cold shower. He's talking about the head cold shower? Yeah, he's talking about... You had to go in for ten seconds into the cold shower. Into the cold shower. He's talking about the headmaster going, how much does your winky shrink?

Yes, I'm going to give you ten seconds of purgatory. Yeah. Stewpott, come over here and give your headmaster some purgatory. I've got my ruler, steel-tipped ruler. Purgatory. How small is my th my micro phallus purgatory is Ed on

Rolf Harris I always knew he was a dirty well this is one of those benefit of hindsight moments but when he was when this book came

out I'm sure it was all very you know it was still an open secret or whatever yeah in July 1960 we were introduced to a young

Australian singer called Rolf Harris. If you hadn't known what a wobble board and a didgeridoo sound like before, you did by the end of July. So what did Ed think of him? Rolf has become a national institution, and anyone who suggests he should be in one deserves a didgeridoo firmly inserted. People were suggesting that already.

Firmly inserted where the Aussie sun don't shine. Right, defending Rolf Harris. Rolf Harris has become a national institution institution Anyone who suggests he should be in one And anyone who suggests he should be in one Oh, an institution Ah I got that Thank you, because I was too busy

Reading Speaking of institutions, yes, he's in one now Ed gets sucked off By an elderly Hong Kong prostitute Really Yeah that's apparently One of the next highlights

In this book Alright I don't want to hear about that The others were well ahead of me And all the girls were taken Oh Only the mama san Was left

She looked about 60 Going on 140 Oh come on Ah You too big, she screamed. As I positioned myself That's not true. You're not reading. As I positioned myself delicately for

entry. I kid you not. Those of you who've seen me in the showers will think I'm lying. Too big, she screamed again. But I give you blowjob. With that, she took her false teeth out and with the memory of what happened next, has not been lost to any sign of impending dementia.

I did gain my proper spurs a little later. So he got a big suck-off from an elderly lady. With her teeth out? Yeah. For me, Paul, once the teeth come out, it's like, I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this anymore. Dragon's den time.

I'm out. So tell me, your blowjobbing service, what happens if you have false teeth? Take them out. And on that, I'm out. I'm sorry. 50% of my business, and I'll take my false teeth out. And I'm out.

I'm sorry, I'm out. I can't invest in this. Actually, I'm interested. That's a terrible story. out. I can't invest in this. Now, actually, I'm interested. That's a terrible story. You wouldn't want to put that in your autobiography. You'd only not put that in if you were writing about it now with hindsight, everything that's gone on with, like, you know, Harris and Saville and fucking Stuart Hall or whatever his name is.

All those people. You'd probably go, oh, I might leave that bit out now. What's Stuart Potts' name? Ed Stuart. Ed Stuart, I see. But Stuart Potts was his nickname he got from the Radio 1 days. Yeah, and the thing is,

if you were going to see a prostitute, right, and you were sat there and all your mates had taken the best ones and they said to you, well, look, you can wait half an hour

or grandma can suck your dick. Would you go, oh, I'll wait half an hour, that's fine. Or would you say, when in Rome? Yeah, I know. It's ridiculous.

Ed passes through Germany. Right, I don't know what this means, I don't know in hour. That's fine. What did you say? Wedding row? Yeah, I know. It's ridiculous. Ed passes through Germany. Right, I don't know what this means. I don't know in what context, but this is the quote from the story. He handed me a wad of notes and disappeared into the crowd. I was never to see him again. But after that,

I always thought of him as Santa Claus. So I walked up and down the reaper barn, ogling the girls in the windows until I saw a blonde I really liked the look of. What is constantly bedding prostitutes? With my bundle of marks and a rather sweaty palm, I went through the door and into the boudoir of Tamara, hoping that we weren't going to be performing in the window as well.

It was all over in minutes. Oh, no. It was all over in minutes and she hardly drew breath. Tamara never comes, I thought idly as I was ushered out the door and off to the airport to England. Tamara never comes! No, it's stupid.

Tamara is a professional. Of course she doesn't come. Yeah, but that's the joke, isn't it? Tamara never comes. Yeah, but she wouldn't... That's what he ultimately was doing with this story. So part of me thinks,

is it bullshit? Or is 50% of it true? Where like, he fucked a prozzie in Germany. Why would you make that up? No, that's what I'm saying. He didn't make that up, but he made the bit about,

he's probably in her entire. Calling Tamara. Oh shit, that bitch never came. Yeah, that's what I mean. Imagine if her name was Tamara. Tamara never comes. I'm going to put that in my book.

Yeah, yeah. I'll teach you, you bitch. But do you know what I mean it's that kind of it's misogyny isn't it because it's like I'm paying to relieve myself

or whatever at least fucking put some effort in it and fake it and he's trying to sort of yeah he's trying to say you should be sexually excited

even though you're just doing it for money you're just doing a job you should be grateful the stew pot is in you I'm staring you with my stick it just

leaves a bad taste in the mouth doesn't it I thought that old lady said for the stew pot is in you I'm staring you with my stick it just leaves a bad taste in the mouth doesn't it that old lady I thought that old lady said too big bad taste

bad taste in mouth so this is about Ed's pirate radio days and there's always time for some casual homophobia this is this is actually

when I first read this it was kind of depressing Tony got his wish in 1966 but not before he had experienced the hierarchical structure. Is that Tony Blackburn he's talking about? Yes. But not before he experienced the hierarchical structure on board as the newest recruit.

So let's just, I think Tony was an aspiring DJ, finally got on the radio. And this is his rite of passage. He got on Caroline or whatever. I guess they all slept there, I guess. Yeah. Unfortunately for Tony, his cabin mate was Chris Denning, a raving queen. Okay. We all took the piss, as you would.

Tony wanted to take the lower bunk. No, we'd say. When he climbs the ladder to the top, Chris might fall on top of you. Oh, well, I'll take the top bunk then. Oh, no, you can't do that. Chris will climb the ladder and then pull it away with him and then you'll have no chance of escape.

Tony was panic stricken and spent many sleepless nights with his hand covering his crotch. Oh, come on. He was saved when another young gay recruit

joined the ship and as he moved into the cabin with Chris, Tony moved out quicker than the revs of an old 78. Oh, fuck off.

The rest of us were nothing but heterosexual and couldn't wait for our wigs leave to enjoy the flavours of an old 78. Oh, fuck. The rest of us were nothing but heterosexual and couldn't wait for our wigs leave to enjoy the flavours of the opposite sex. What a fucking massive, rancid, stupid,

fucking dopey, big-faced cunt. He is horrible, isn't he? What a fucking twat. We were all red-blooded who go by prostitutes and pretend to cum. Oh, gay boys, gay boys.

Just so you know, I'm a fucking real man. I fuck prozzies, old ladies. She said it was too big. She said it was too big. Honestly, she said it was too big.

If you see me in the shower, you'd know it's not that big. But, she said it was too big. He managed to be kind of racist, isn't he? The whole thing, like, you know.

Yeah, because Chinese men are meant to be small, Japanese men are meant to be small. Yeah, yeah. It's built on nothing but that kind of the bigotry British colonialism kind of thought

was like everywhere we go people are fucking grateful we're here you suck my dick take your teeth out none of that business

no excuses suck it I'm finished leave me homophobia in there luckily there's a little bit of sexism too at the end of one of these stories.

So he started a relationship with, not a relationship, but he started a business relationship with a guy called Harold Davison, who became his first agent. His officers were plush, his secretaries were young and pretty, and his personal assistant, Mary Titmuss,

really lived up to the first syllable of her surname. Oh my God, that's so badly written there as well. It's just... Yeah, we got it. It's of her surname. Oh my God, that's so badly written there as well. It's just... Yeah, we got it. It's sad as fuck. At that point, you don't really need to be subtle. You could just say, Mary Titmuss had big tits.

Yeah, or something like that. That would be better, yeah. That would be honest. That would be better. Like, Titmuss certainly had a good pair. Or something like that. I put my mess on her tits. Yeah, I fucking speedboated her.

She speedboated me half to death. People thought I had a fight with Mike Tyson afterwards Ed this is when Ed joins the BBC now I soon realised how did they let

this cunt join the BBC this was the culture of the time and presenters of the time had this mentality they did didn't they it was a reasonably

new profession when you think about it so it was like when people say oh it was the rock and roll they were making it as it happened you think SNL the early days of SNl oh drugs and all sorts of cocaine and weed the whole

office's stunk of this yeah what a time to be alive women didn't get much of a look in and you know it's that culture yeah i soon realized that the bbc club was not just for drinking many young and impressionable secretaries and producers assistants Christ, he's a predator, isn't he? would make it their hunting ground in order to meet and trap young, impressionable DJs. Oh, it's always trapping, you know what I mean? Just the whole narrative. It's not my fault they're throwing their clouts at me. Yeah, yeah.

They're trying to trap me. I was easily impressed. So was Jimmy Savile. But he would never set foot on licensed premises. He would order an orange juice from the corridor and pick up girls there. What? So what he said, what that implies is... We never went in pubs.

Why didn't Savile... Was it Savile... Well, the BBC club. He would order the drink and drink it in the corridor outside and chat up the girls there as if, I don't know, you don't want to steal it in public. You don't want to drink in public. No, because he'd chat up the world of girls in public. Right, next chap.

The next little segment's called Ed gets A, lots of TV work and B, lots and lots of sex. This is a fucking theme with his greatest hits. I was on my way back from Wales by train during the period that Exit had been transmitted

and sitting in the same compartment were two very pretty young girls on their way to Clacton to start a summer season as redcoats with butlins. That gnoshed me off. Finding out that I had time to kill, I invited them back to my flat

and we spent an afternoon reading the Kama Sutra. Fame certainly has its perks. Fuck off, stupid. You're terrible. Charmingly, Alistair says, later on in the book he calls it squirting the girls.

Oh, God. Right, this is where it gets a little bit more uncomfortable now, as if that wasn't uncomfortable as it stands. Oh, no. So Ed meets his future wife. God, she's entertained. Tiara, the woman who I was to spend the next 30 years of my life with, was 13 when we met in 1970 and 17 when we married.

They say the quickest way to a man's heart is in his stomach. Sex might be quicker, but food lasts longer. My wife started on my stomach and nothing else when she was 13. In 1970, Ed Stewart was 29. Fucking hell. And she's 13. Yeah. That's fucking terrible.

So you see what I mean? So he's basically wooing this 13 year old. Is that what's going on? I don't know. I mean, I guess. He said that 13, I mean,

the thing is, I don't know the context of where he met. I'm reading the blog post. I don't know in what circumstances, but the point is the sentence begins with 13 year old girl. After that, there's no, I started a relationship with.

It's like, I've heard enough. Yeah. I've heard enough. I'm out. You can put the words and nothing else in parentheses. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But ultimately, we know what you're thinking.

Yeah. And that is, oh. So, um. Oh, mate, it's terrible. What else could the poor boy do? The next week, Jimmy took me to his house in Wembley for what I thought was going to be a simple plate of spaghetti. No way.

I arrived at 7 p.m. and was greeted at the door by what I can only describe as a 13-year-old apparition. Chara was simply stunning, and she had cooked the most beautiful roast chicken, roast potatoes, chipolata, cauliflower, with all the trimmings. You know what I mean? Why would you write any of this in a book? When you look back on your life and these are the footnotes, you think, I just won't write the book.

I just won't. I don't want people to think I was a cunt. The only reason he wrote it was for his own fucking ego to go yeah but i fucking did this i fucking banged that yeah yeah yeah okay biggie big billy big bollocks biggie big bollocks comes across as a borderline nonce i mean to be honest doesn't he so um maybe not even borderline ed stupor also went on to present crackerjack yeah uh ed manages to go a whole two pages about crackerjack and that's when i knew him from, because I used to watch Crackerjack. Yeah.

He did have, he was charismatic as a presenter, I guess, wasn't he? Yeah, of course he was. He was good at his job. Doesn't mean he was a nice human being. And apparently, honestly, he wasn't a nice human being. This catch up with him has soured him. It really has. So, talks about Crackerjack and is bitter about getting the sack.

Ed, you're all too old and we're getting some new blood in. Who is this blood? I shouted down the line. Ed, you're all too old and we're getting some new blood in. But who is this blood? I shouted down the line. The Crankies. Getting replaced by the fucking Crankies. That's what happened. It is what happened

in Cracker Jack. So the work dries up for Ed but he swallows his pride. So it was that Rockies opened in Cobham in Surrey with Ed Stupot as compa twice a week.

And it was to become the most popular karaoke club in the area. Stu Pot, on the downs of his career, hosted the most popular karaoke bar in the Cobham area of Surrey. Specifically. Back in favour,

Ed gets a foreign jolly in Norway, but he can't help being a dick. As always, when a rock and roll record is played, I was up on the floor, ready to jive with the nearest victim. Unfortunately, the woman I grabbed had, without my knowing it, brittle bone disease. I had flung her around the floor a couple of times when her hand slipped as we turned on the final chord of rock around the clock. And before I knew it, she had rocked onto the floor, breaking her arm in the process.

Before I could say, save the last dance for me, her husband appeared and shouted, go now! Her husband's lucky her husband didn't kill you. Ed follows in some illustrious footsteps. I am president of the PHAB, having taken over from Rolf Harris, who himself had followed Sir Jimmy Savile. It was established in 1957

in response to the belief that disabled people want opportunity, not pity. Now, the opportunities there are not great. Apparently, Ed did do a fair lot for the charity when he took over and raised a lot of money, but didn't like to talk about it. And then it goes, oh, who am I kidding?

There's 35 pages of name dropping to all the charity work, football teams, cricket and golf events he's done. Fuck's sake. And it's not like mild-mannered Ed Stupot to be a sexist rotter

about the noble game of golf. So now here's a list of... Oh, he doesn't think women should play golf. No, here's a list of terms that he uses during golf. So what the term is and what it means.

Such as a blondie, a fair crack up the middle, a district nurse, a missed put up the middle, a district nurse, a missed putt that just shaved the hole. Yep. Eli's face, ladies and gentlemen, is in genuine anguish. A son-in-law,

not quite what you hoped for. Army golf, when you're playing in a somewhat erratic way. Left, right, left, right. And then Alistair writes, that's about as funny as the book actually gets. Fucking hell. Ed manages to flip writes, that's about as funny as the book actually gets. Fucking hell. Ed manages to flip from his brother's untimely death

to doing Panto and Weymouth to appearing on The Weakest Link all in one paragraph. Here is this paragraph. Despite the Pavilion Theatre telling the press about my recent bereavement, there were still a couple of reviews that criticised my opening night performance as The Weakest Link.

It was unkind and insensitive, given the circumstances but it had made convenient copy for them at the time. The TV show was huge back then and it's still popular

and there are few quiz hosts with a profile as consistently talked about as Anne Robinson. Whatever you think about her you've got to take your hat off to her for her sheer staying power.

That is quite the course correction on a paragraph. Don't make fun of my dead brother and my bad acting. Anne Robinson's great, isn't she? Yeah, I was on.

Was he on it? No. No. They did Celebrity. No, he's just talking about the show. Okay. Apropos of... Oh, just, by the way,

I like that show, yeah. He called me the weakest link. Well, actually, that's a compliment because weakest link's a good show. Yeah. And then, amid ten pages, he devotes to the weakest link as opposed to a whole two pages

on his crackerjack career and he manages to go full partridge again. If Saddam Hussein described the Iraq war in the early 1990s as the mother of all battles, then the mother of all TV personalities in the 20th century has to be Anne Robinson. What's his deal with Anne Robinson? Though it has turned out Anne was to show a sensitive side to me

which others on her show may not have experienced. Oh. He must have been on it. Yeah. And then, Ed discovers that golf can be a cruel, cruel mistress. Fucking golf. I've always retained a certain aloofness and an inability to show affection. No shit.

Perhaps that cost me my marriage. Chayira needed more love. Perhaps you married, groomed a 13-year-old, and that's what cost you your marriage. Tiara needed more love, attention, and TLC than I was willing to give. So she found... I wanted basically a live-in sex maid. Yeah. So she found it with another man.

Yeah. Ironically, that man was to be a professional golfer who had been our teacher for some time. We ate, drank, and were married together, but I hadn't noticed that their feelings had deepened beyond friendship. Bizarrely, Ed continues to live under the same roof as the lovers, as the cook-holding ex-husband. After all, it would be madness to sack your golf teacher just because he's banging your wife. But is he happy?

The two of them have their own place a few miles away, after I'd loaned them the deposit against their half share of the house. I just wanted to keep it all amicable as possible. To return to the words of the Jack Jones song, I'm free again and enjoying it more and more. I hadn't realised there were so many

beautiful women in similar circumstances. Stop, mate. That's about... Stu Pot. That's about as much as the blog goes to. Alistair ends by saying this.

In the words of Ronnie Barker in the final scenes of the Porridge movie, our ordeal is over. While his days in Hong Kong and on the pirate radio ships were somewhat interesting the rest is self-indulgent tat with no filter

nah if you're still interested you can buy his book in a lot of good bookshops and probably in a lot of shit ones as well I would not read that that

I nearly bought in a charity shop I'm glad I didn't you missed a bullet there and I think Alistair has done solid work for us so thank you very much

bring us the highlights there crikey fuck me that was emotional he's toxic I'm toxic he's just a horrible he's so partridge

and do you know what I'm glad he's dead I hope it was painful bye everyone and that's the end of Cheap Show for this week. Cheap Show's over once again.

Next week there'll be more of it. And would you like a kiss on your dingle? I will have a private kiss a little nibble on my dingle.

I would like your little lips to kiss my dingle hole. Come on up. We're nearly done. Oh, my fucking mouth tastes of crisps. I'm full of crisps. I'm crisped up the bracket.

I'm all crisped out. Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for joining us this week. Thank you. If you'd like to email the show, thecheapshow.gmail.com. If you'd like to follow us on Twitter, at thecheapshowpod. I'm at PaulGammonShow.

Eli is... Eli Snoid, which is spelled E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. We're doing our live 200th Twitch broadcast on 9th of October. Put it in your diary now. That is for the 200th show. Yeah. The 200th. Can you believe, Paul?

Can you believe it? We're coming up for 200. It's exciting times. It's exciting times. I've got a scooge on. All my pillows. Right, he's gone. I'm almost there.

Right. We're almost there. Hey, and if you like this podcast and you want to support us, why not go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show and give what you can, if you can, to help keep this podcast going. And if you join now,

you've got three or four years worth of podcasts and videos and magazines to read. 200 episodes will be. So yeah, you'll get lots of stuff. That's a back catalogue. And also, you get the elongated version of the crisp tasting. Yeah, we've just done that. Which we did today.

So, there are perks to being a Patreon. Ain't no doubt. We're on Facebook. We're on Tumblr. We're on Instagram. You'll find us. Have a look for Cheap Show. You'll either find us or that band called Cheap Show, which is a grungy punk thing.

Why are you so annoyed with them? I'm not annoyed with them. We should get them to do a version of our theme tune. No they did that CD for the magazine didn't they?

They did a little track. Chris Bullock had a track on there as well. It's very good. Another reason to buy the physical

copy of the magazine. If you go to our website thecheapshow.co.uk there are pictures that accompany every episode and links to our merch page, events, fantastic

magazine, Cheap Show magazine page and all sorts of joys there. That's it. Lovely stuff. Keep it simple. Keep it neat. Come and slick my merch page, events, fantastic magazine, cheap show magazine page and all sorts of joys there. That's it. Lovely stuff. Keep it simple, keep it neat.

Come and slick my sweaty feet. Bend over, spread the cheeks, lick what you can find my meat. Come on baby, let's have fun.

Put your finger up my bun and then we'll go back to our bed and then you'll give me lots of head. I'm stew pot, I'm stew pot,

I'm naughty, naughty stew pot. I'm stew pot, I'm stew pot, and guess what, pump blue naughty stew pot I'm stew pot I'm stew pot and guess what pump-a-loo oh fuck you had to call back

to that didn't you pump-a-doo I'm pressing the button no I'm saying pump-a-doo oh fuck you and your pump-a-doo and a pump-a-doo to you too

I'm pressing the button go on then where is it there it's like that big square book alright bye everyone