CheapShow - Ep 196: The Naughty Birthday Boy

Episode Date: September 18, 2020

Oh dear, Paul's been drinking again. This time his excuse is that it's his birthday and he is allowed. Eli is very unimpressed by the state of his podcast co-host, but he battles on regardless! This week, Eli tries to keep the show together and Paul behaves like a naughty boy. It's all rather desperate. However, there IS still economy comedy content. Eli dives into his Cheap Eats hamper to torture Paul with bite of lemony chocolate, fills in the gaps on last week's League of Snacks (& Crisps) Update and stares in wonder at a Pot Noodle without the pot! Paul's in charge of the Vinyl Selection and it's a horrific mix of 80s sitcom novelty music and a 7 Inch piece of vinyl featuring the cast of Grange Hill singing about hosteling! It's all very odd. As Per. And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-196-the-naughty-birthday-boy If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid With thanks to @alistaircoleman for allowing us to read his blog in this episode Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Podbible Interview: podbiblemag.com/2020/06/12/a-spec…show-celebration/ MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Paul is writing a book! Want to help make it happen? unbound.com/books/ghosts/

Hello everybody, Eli Silverman here. Welcome to Cheap Show. Hello, my name is Paul Gannon. Welcome to Cheap Show 2. No, to Cheap Show 2. Is this the fucking sequel? The sequel. Bigger, fatter, rounder, hairier, more laden with choffy spoff. More like a little shrews, fossilised shrews beak. You don't know how sequels work. You don't go into a business meeting or a production meeting, you know, right, this film, it's going to be bigger than a shrew's beak. No, relatively small when compared to the shrew's beak

on top of like a beach ball or something. I'm going to say it this week. Let's fucking start again. Skids stay in the picture. No, it doesn't. Yeah, they do. This has been bad. I have a sour taste

in my mouth already about this whole this whole endeavour. What, the podcast? Yeah. Five years in? Wow. No, I just mean today.

Oh, what's wrong? It's low. I'm low energy now. You've done it to me again. I have. I'm fucking around. It's like, I don't give a shit.

I try to bring something. Let's just do a soft reboot. Yeah, right hello everybody eli silverman welcome to cheap show paul how are you doing today you all right so paul what kind of podcast is this yes that's right is this better yeah i like, I like it. Am I giving you more now? Yes, I like it. It's like the sooty version. So, Paul, what kind of podcast is this? Oh, it's the Economy Comedy Podcast.

Is that what you're saying? Oh, where we go through... What was that? Sorry. I hate my life. What do we go through? I'm 42 now. Oh, happy birthday, by the way.

Thank you. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Sing me happy birthday. No. Sing me happy birthday, by the way. Thank you. Happy birthday, you. Happy birthday. Sing me happy birthday. No. Sing me happy birthday. I don't like it. I don't like people singing happy birthday.

Entertain me on my birthday. Happy birthday to you. No! Don't embarrass yourself. Welcome to the Cheap Show. You're being weird. You peaked there, mate. You were shouting your arse off. I'll peak you. You were being weird. You peaked there, mate. You were shouting your arse off.

I'll peak you. You're being weird. You see, I do a little thing. It was going well. You were doing your little, I'm a little nubbin gnome with my little gumball voice and I was interpreting it.

Interpretating it. It was going really well. Now, where are we? Where are we now? Right now, we're in the bit where I play the theme tune and it comes in right about, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, no!

I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap Show. Cheap Show. It's the price of shite Paul Gannon Eli Silverman

Welcome to Cheap Show And I go and I nuzzle Yes, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast where we go through the bargain bins of charity shops. Oh, you wanted to say it. That's why you wanted to fucking say it. You couldn't give me that. You couldn't fucking give me that one little pleasure of saying the charity, the bargain bins.

Do you want to do it? Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, over to Eli Silverman. It's the podcast where we go through the bargain basement. Tedious old furry fartless. Furry? Furry. The F... Furry?

The U-F-F-R. Furry. Furry. You furry. Basically charity shops. That's it. When was the last time we went to a jumble sale? We haven't been to a jumble sale in a while.

Car boot sale? But we've done them in the past. They have been done. We ain't never been to no jumble sale. We have been to a jumble sale. It's the same difference as a car boot sale. But we've done them in the past. They have been done. We ain't never been to no jumble sale. We have been to a jumble sale. It's the same difference as a car boot sale. No, it's not the same difference as that. Besides, the parameters in that intro

are still reasonably valid. A jumble sale has a distinct aroma, let alone a location in time and space. Jumble sale. I'm asking the internet. It will have a jam stall and a stall with lots of old jumpers. A jumble sale or bring and buy sale

or rummage sale is an event. Rummage. Rummage sale, mate. That's a new one. You've got to put that in the intro. Rummage sale. It's an event at which second-hand goods are sold, usually by an institution such as the local Boys Brigade. Oh, he's got the Boys Brigade down. Or church for a fundraising

or charitable event. I'm going to have a rummage when the Boys Brigade gets here. a fundraising or charitable event. I'm going to have a rummage when the Boys Brigade gets here. Great, you ruined that

within 15 seconds. Oh, rummage. I'm the rummage man. I like a rummage sale. Rummage.

All you've done is made David Bellamy dirty. Rummage. Not rummage. Rummage and rummage. What have we got

going on in the sound then? It's our new character, Ramage Rabbit. I don't like it. I instantly don't like it. Oh no, I like it. I'm from the West Country. Do you? Oh no. I'm beginning to be won over. Rambo! Oh, I'll thump me

paws together and ram me rummage. Rummage. Rabbit. I quickly died, actually. My interest for that. Wow, vanished. Off he hops. Another character into the void.

Oh, rummage rabbit. I hope you come back one day. Roger Ramjet rabbit. Hey, Oofring Jasper Carrot. Paul. Yeah. Seriously, though. What have we got coming up on the show today

today we are doing yet more fucking cheap eat stuff I mean we're going to do even more but I forgot an important letter so that's going to

have to be postponed until next week and I was also going to do a Gannon's Golden Games but then we found out there were elements missing

within the board game that I bought up which are integral to successful play you really are lifting up the filthy lino in the dead

Nan's flat and showing the cobwebs of the podcats lifting up the filthy lino in the dead nan's flat. And showing the cobwebs of the podcast. Lifting up the old 60s lino in the dead grandmother's flat of this musty old podcast. Piece of shit. Don't do it, Paul. It's our podcast. You don't have to say.

You could say, yes, I've been so on it. I gave it to you on a plate I handed you I said what's coming up on the show today and you could have just said and I said all the things that weren't coming up

on the show today yeah exactly alright well shall we try again yeah you still have the option to do it in the nonsense voice that I just interpreted

because I like that idea yes Paul what nonsense voice I'm not no no I don't want to be that no more Yes. Paul. What nonsense voice. No. I don't want to be that no more.

Don't make me. Paul. Oh, you're here, are you? That's very good. What have we got coming up in the show today? Why am I in Korea? I can't stop it. We've got Cheap Eats with some added... We need to do a little update on the whole Chip Crisps situation.

Yes, that's right. And then we're going to look at some records that you bought. Yeah. Okay, good. I mean... Yeah, we have a Paul's Platters this week. That's it, really. We don't have a Paul's Platters this week. And that's it, really. We don't have a board game.

We don't have a... No, don't. Stop going back to it. Look, I think... I was looking forward to those crisps as well. We've got a strong show. But, mate, I've eaten too much. Yes, it was your birthday. And what did you eat?

Everything. Big, big pizza. Pizza? Cheesy garlic bread. Garlic bread? Mass massive pretzels. I got cheesy bits dunked in something or other. Oh, it was all one order. I had four mojitos.

In different venues along the London... I had a big slice of homemade biscotti cheesecake. I've got some of that, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, it's very good. I've got it in my fridge. My partner made it and it's absolutely... I might have it with a cup of strong coffee. That's nice.

Could you get biscottis? Brownie. I also have brownie. Biscoffies. Because... Oh, I just won't realise what biscoff... Biscoff, it's called. Biscotti, isn't it?

No, it's a biscoff. That's the name of the company, biscoff. Biscotti is a totally different type of Italian sort of bread thing. Sort of cookie thing. Biscuit, you'd call it, I guess. Yeah, that's what they are, though. That's what the cake's made. What are you, boring fuck?

Do you know what biscuit means? Shut up. You shut up now. Oh, well, I was just trying to... You shut your mouth now. I'm tired. Shut up. I was simply...

Shut up. Shut up. I think we were all tiring of your list of what you fucking did on your birthday. You! I'm just trying to move it on to something. You were going... Weren't you? Are you ready? Shall we start the show move it on to something. You were going... Weren't you? Are you ready?

Shall we start the show? Happy birthday to you. Squash tomatoes and stew. Batman shat his back off. Chodney spoff off. It's not happy spoff day. Chodney spoff doff and doff. Chodney spoff day to you. Chodney spoff day to you.

Chodney spoff day to you. Chodney spoff day. Chodney spoff day to you. And many more. Right. Have you done your birthday now? Yeah. Sorry I didn't get you anything. I'm 42. And I'm dead. Right. Have you done your birthday now? Yeah. Sorry I didn't get anything.

I'm 42 and I'm dead inside. I'm hollow. You're not. I'm like one of those dolls, the Russian dolls. Yeah.

Empty. And there's a little one inside of me and a little one inside of him and a little one inside of that. And where does it end? It doesn't. You're talking about

the infinite regress that is sort of the hard problem of consciousness there, aren't you? I am my own infinite recursive entity. Well, that's the problem with thinking of consciousness as a sort of theatre where you're in control. Happy Chaff Day to Chaff Day to you. He's drinking again, by the way, everybody.

He's taking this as an excuse to drink fruit beer during the day and during the recording of his podcast. You shut your mouth. You're drinking on the job, Paul. That's what it comes down to. We all like a drink. I know I do. You've started drinking on the job. I can't get through this podcast anymore

without being hammered. I can't do it. Look what I've got. You've broken me with your stupid... I've got a DD. Look at this. What's this? I like what it is.

Is this external? You may know, Paul. Is this external content? No, you may know, Paul. Is this external content? No. You may know, Paul. You insert your external content into the flaps of my pod. I'm trying to get to the fucking

cheap eats section with an improvised segue which everyone will enjoy. Is it cheap? Not you going on the MD like whatever you were talking about just now. You know?

Right. I've got this. It's a DD. This is an iced tea, Paul. Is it cheap? A sugared iced tea. Shit. Very cheap. It's shit. No, it's cheap. Less than's a DD. This is an iced tea, Paul. Is it cheap? A sugared iced tea. Shit, very cheap. It's shit.

No, it's cheap. Less than a quid. Okay, good. Yeah, that's good. What's Bergamot? Earl Grey. Oh, is that what it is? It's an Earl Grey iced tea, so that's very unusual, isn't it?

Yeah. And it's very refreshing. And is it sweet? It's very sweet. It's like a Turkish iced tea company, DD. But they do peach. Everyone has that. Everyone has peach.

Lemon. They do lemon. Do you? No, you don't get a Lipton's Bergamot one, do you? No. That is unusual, isn't it?

And do you know what, Paul? Yeah. It's delicious. Absolutely delicious. I think it's only about 80p a can as well. That's nice, isn't it? It's the size of a can of

Monster can of drink, isn't it? It's one of those awkward conversations you have with a bus driver when you come on with your energy drink and they go, oh, no booze.

And you think, oh, shit energy drink. Oh, because Monster, yeah, because Monster, they look like lager, don't they? They look like special brew. I'll tell you that story about I was walking down the street with a can of Monster. Don't do that. And I flopped it out. Well, there's your problem.

No, come on. You've got the rhythm in me. Go in. And I flopped it out. And I spoffed it off. They call me Johnny Knob and I've had enough and I'll spoff

This has nothing to do with the podcast or even the initial set up that you were going to tell about. I call me Johnny Knob and I'll spoff your chodders off. Don't you come round here, because I will knob your joddery. Did I ever tell you, Paul, that story? Go on. I was walking down the street.

You can't do that. It sets me off. I was walking down the street. You can't do that. It sets me off. I was preambulating. I was preambulating along. Drinking a can of Monster. And my dad passed. My dad comes the other way. And he's like,

Eli, you're drinking on the street. And I was like, no, it's an energy drink and he thought he had a massive drink problem yeah wow it looks like sort of your pants down you're pissing openly no it wasn't yeah i was trying to yeah i could be doing a lot of stuff yeah you can use your imagination he's got his chod out his chod his that's not that in my chod out. Oh, his chod. His chod. That's not... That did my chod. The meat off.

No. God, it's not a meat off. Right, let's just start this fucking podcast. Meat off? This is the worst... You, you. This is definitely our worst intro.

I think it might be our worst intro. No, we did... We did a thing. That T and stuff. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. This is why it's the worst one.

Right, come on. Play the fucking sound effect. I'll do it right now. All right, then. Cheeky little bastard. Paul, we're back from the sound effect, and now it's time for Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep. Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep. Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, and that's right.

Eat. And that's right. You're confusing that with the price of shite, and that's right. Who does that? Is that our podcast? Yes. Who am I? Hey, you're right, sir.

Oh, Uber, they go so fast these days. He won't sell many ice creams going at that speed. Really. I'm just going to go ahead and apologise straight away for the overall quality of episode 190. For drinking on the pot. I'm having one. Sucking down fruit beers. Look, and he's sparking the next.

Your chain bearing. Have you seen the size of the ring pulls on this? They take the whole top of the can off. Yeah, that's good though, isn't it? Do you like that? It's fun, isn't it? It makes it more like you're drinking from a glass doesn't it it makes me feel like

I'm drinking like a child's drink an alcoholic drink out of a child's glass is that good or bad no it's not good should we try the cheap eats thing again

yes let's begin it welcome back from the sound effect ladies and gentlemen I'm Paul Gannon welcome to Cheap Show the economy comedy podcast for your ears

we go through the bargain bins the chapter shops and the land of Great Britain shut up and bring you the treasure amongst that for your ears we go through the bargain bins the chapter shops and you're not doing it again britain shut up bring you the treasure amongst that trash now what we've got coming

up on the show today mr silverman cheap eats and then some splatters it's not your birthday to you paul i'm gonna have to have words we're gonna have to honestly i

am just in a really i'm gonna bring back a character or two just you know i'm just in a really i'm gonna bring back a character or two just you know i mean just to punish it i'll be good daddy i will walk off and i will get fucking larry inch man who is always in the antechamber down to two segments down the pod to come back in here and he'll do cheap eats yeah yeah all right fair enough so shut up all right cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap eat it's the section of the show

everybody where we look at and taste and sniff sniffing is a part of it it's a part

it is but it's just the it's usually because you use the terminology huff huff huff huff

a jib jab jab a gum and a bib and a hush huff I put my nose in two of those crisps now huff huff I'm gonna be crisp those crisps. Now, huff, huff. I'm going to eat crisps.

I'm going to eat crisps. Now, huff, huff. Down, down, down in the morning. Down, down, down in the evening. Are you doing the Deep Purple version? It's called Huff. I'm not doing Cooler fucking Shaker. The Cooler Shaker version.

Fuck off, Cooler Shaker. Paul, before we get into the cheap eats where we taste some cheap food. Huff. We have to mention the League of Snacks and Crisps again. Oh, God, I can't eat any more crisps today. Last week. Or ever again. Last week, Paul, that guy who collated the League table for us, Ben, was it?

Yes. Kindly collated all of the facts, but he said that he got a response from KP Crisps about Branigans, and KP said... It don't exist. We've stopped making it, mate. We've discontinued that range. Sorry, buddy. You're out of luck.

And then a few people who heard the episode were on Twitter, and they said, look, here I am in my local BM. B&M. B&M, sorry. And they're there. Because BM is a bowel movement. That's what you have after you go to eat and crisp all day. My bowel movement later, after all the shit I ate yesterday,

is going to be like passing steel. Is it? It's just going to be horrible. It might be fine. No. Why are you so traumatised by your own poop? I've got a complicated history with my arsehole because I used to have problems with it when I was a wee nipper.

I'm so glad we weren't here. And I spent a Christmas in hospitalhole because I used to have problems with it when I was a wee nipper I'm so glad we weren't here and I spent a Christmas in hospital once because I refused to poo I wouldn't poo that says so much about your I refused to poo

your character the number of doctors did you have to have a therapist to say no come on mate have a shit there was doctors up there

with their fingers pulling stuff out and it was during Christmas too much and we can't eat I have IBS and I've had piles, mate, and I've had a bad time.

I had to wear... I'm not denying... Listen. I had to wear a sanitary towel for a month. Not the same one. Many. Because once I went to the hospital

to have my piles lanced, they couldn't stitch it properly so I just bled out my arse for a couple of days on and off. Happy birthday to me. Hasden. God almighty. I didn't expect

that. You've been drinking beer, man. It's me birthday. It's not your fucking birthday anymore. I'm Paul. I do what I want. This is me birthday episode. So what are we doing? Hang on. So yeah, Branigans.

I'm trying to... The only things we couldn't get, the only crisps he couldn't supply were Branigans, but B&M were supplying what I imagine is whatever's left of the stock. And by chance,

yesterday, I was in Barking Shopping Centre, Paul. Yeah. If you want to talk about a liminal, sad, stuck in the 80s

kind of space. Oh, is that it? We should go up there. Honestly, it really is... There are those pockets of the UK and London that are snapshots of the 80s almost preserved. Some of the shopfronts stay the same,

but most of them... Yeah, and it's really empty. It had a real vibe. Anyway, there's a BM on the bottom floor in this mall. Bow movement. A B&M. People just call it BM, don't they? No, they don't. I've always called it B&M. The same way you call it B&M. People just call it B&M, don't they?

No, they don't. I've always called it B&M. The same way you call it B&Q. I thought, ooh. Or MFI. I thought to myself, Paul, ooh, there's a B&M. Yeah.

They might have some Branigans. Lo and behold, they had a whole thing. So I want the two flavours of Branigans. I don't know if there ever were other flavours in the range. I couldn't tell you without looking at the internet

and that's not happening right now. So these might be the few, the last few, some of the last few packs available. What flavours have you got? You've got smoked ham and pickle and I've got roast beef and mustard. They're the two that we couldn't do the accuracy of. We're going to quickly just give these an actual accuracy score. Okay, Paul?

I haven't got my notes with me from last week. Fine, we'll just write it down. I'll tell you what, I'll remember it when I edit this And write it down and add it to the list And then I was going to take pictures And upload them anyway to Instagram So for all you sticklers out there And pedants

And do you know what they call pedants In Dutch? Pedants? No That's terrible Oh fuck off They are translated Schmiefy peefy

Yes Yes Yes What do they say? What do they say? They call it a rabbit poop eater Or something they are translated schmiffy peefy yes yes yes yes what do they say what do they say they call it a rabbit poop eater

or something what yeah cite your sources prove that that's a fact the language of Holland yeah but where did you read it where did you find

who imparted that information to you someone told me how did you get hold of that information a rabbit poop eater who told you a rabbit poop sorter

who told you tell me his name someone told. Who told you? A rabbit poop sorter or something. Who told you? Tell me his name. Someone told me. Who told you? You tell me his name right now. And where did he get this information from? I am not having this podcast be a source of fake news. Chodney what's pop, John?

Listen, you have a huff on those. What have you got? That's what we're doing. Roast beef and mustard. This is a famous one, but I think people like the other one. The smoked ham and pickle as well that's an interesting smell

it doesn't smell like what you think it's going to taste like but it's got a very kind of Sunday roasty kind of well that's what it is it's beef

it's meant to be beef that's Sunday roast but you can't smell the mustard there right but you can't smell the mustard slightly yeah but there's

a nice gravy nice umami that's what I'm saying it's got a kind of gravy Sunday dinner kind of thing. I think it's nice. All right. They're a great crisp.

They're so nice. No, the mustard comes through quite strong. The mustard's very accurate, isn't it? It overpowers it a little bit. Yeah. That's what they're known for. They're known for the sharpness of the mustard, and then the beef is just like an after.

It's a background sort of gravy. The beef is never accurate in crisps, but I think in terms of the mustard, it's very accurate, isn't it? background sort of gravy. The beef is never accurate in crisps. But I think in terms of the mustard, it's very accurate, isn't it? They taste of mustard. We said seven, didn't we, I think, last week. I think we should pump it up slightly. No.

No? I would say because it's too mustard heavy, I would say seven's fine. I would say it's apt and accurate. Really? Yeah. I'm going to get the half on on the smoked ham and pickle

without any further ado. Right, any further ado, ladies and gentlemen, he's going to get the hoofuff on on the smoked ham and pickle without any further ado. Right, any further ado, ladies and gentlemen, he's going to get the huff on. You see me huffing and playing and eating me crisps and eating all the same. Why does it remind me of... You see me huffing crisps. You see me huffing crisps. Please stop.

You see me huffing crisps. You see me huffing. I'm going to do something. I'm eating. I'm going to... No, don't do any more characters. I'm going to go and get Larry Inchman. I'm going to do something. I'm eating. I'm going to... No, don't do any more characters. I'm going to go and get Larry Inchman and he's going to smell these crisps.

You know what? Larry Inchman, I go for a fact, isn't available today. How do you know? Because I saw him on the corner of the street tossing off. No, he wasn't. Inchman doesn't toss off.

He's a very serious fellow. And he got pulled into the police van and taken away. So he must be in a prison. So that's the fact. Well, the thing is, you know that local constabulary. Well, the thing is, I have a podcast. They have holding cells.

And I'll leave this bit in. What do you want to do about it? Fucking shut up. Come up with any creative idea you like. They've got holding cells. He's coming. He's coming up now. Come up with any idea you like.

I'm going to edit this out. No, I'm off. I'm off. Larry, it's coming back. Go have fun. Do that character. But I'm going to edit this out. Larry. What are you going to do? I'm going to edit this out. What'm off. Larry, it's my turn. Go have fun. Do that character, but I'm going to edit this out. Larry!

What are you going to do? I'm going to edit this out. What a waste of time. Larry, come on. I'm only going to edit this out. No, I'm not doing it. He's fucked me off. I'm not doing it.

Larry, come on. You can do it fine. Right. Hello. Oh, it's Brandoff. No, it's not. Oh, that's right. You've only got two voices.

How much do you want then? An inch? Oh, it's Brandoff again. Do you want an inch? I could do an inch. I could do's right. You've only got two voices. How much do you want then? An inch? Oh, it's Brand off again. Do you want an inch? I could do an inch. I could do any selection of inches. Give me seven inches. Inch, inch, inch.

Inch, inch. Inch, inch. That's all I need. Bye. No, you can go. You can clean your bed. You can exit your kitchen. Right, that's...

Paul. You're going. Eli said he's not coming back, so I have to do this bit. Right, so... No, Eli... If Eli doesn't come back, then the voting is invalid. They smell... If Eli doesn't come back, the voting is invalid.

It's about three inches long, this packet of Branaghans. Three inches. Oh, no, maybe it's four. Inch, inch. Inch, inch. Smells nice. What do you say? I have to do some kind of accuracy.

Even if you vote... I give it three inches. Inch, inch, inch. I'm going to speak to Inchman right now, and I'm going to say this to him. Listen, inch. Smells nice. What do you say? I have to do some kind of accuracy. I give it three inches. Inch, inch, inch. I'm going to speak to Inchman right now. I'm going to say this to him. Listen, please. Any vote you give is going to be invalid because Eli's not here to give that vote.

It can't enter the league if Eli doesn't give the voting. So if you want to vote, that's all well and good. But I'm going to point two things out. One, I'll edit this out anyway. And then two, it's not going to be valid

unless Eli gives us a grade. And that's the rules. Right, I'll go then. Yeah? Do you want any not going to be valid unless Eli gives us a grade and that's the rules right I'll go then yeah do you want any more inches mate you're just the emu to my rod hull

so an inch before I go and get Eli back give me one inch inch sorry he just asked me now because the camera's on I want you to walk off

and pretend to get Eli back because if you're going to go through with this do it properly you are in my bad books bye Mr Inch Man what do I say to Eli? Because, what do I say to him? Oh, mate, this is

your conversation to have with yourself literally and figuratively. No, but what do I say? Because I could say, give him some inches. Would that explain to him that... If you give Eli at least an inch or two, he'll probably come back. Could I give you a few more now that I'm here? You've given me nine inches and I'm done with inches? No, three more inches.

Two. Inch, inch! Right, good. Now go and get Eli. What do I say to with inches? No, three more inches. Two. Inch, inch! Right, good. Now go and get your... What do I say to him? Don't care. Please go. Please go. Excuse me, Mr. Paul.

He was very angry. And you wonder why I started drinking during this podcast. He was very angry. He ruined me. He was very angry. He said, whatever Paul says to you, you just stay here. He'll carry on talking about it in his character. You stay here. He said, Larry, you stay in his character. You stay here, he said.

Larry, you stay here. That's all I'm going to do. So what should I say to him? I can see that you're angry. Why not, right? At this point, that's the point. He's going to say enjoy your likes for the next. He's just wasting time.

It's totally 30 minutes in. Give or take. Do an edit. I don't know. But at this point, it's all just wasting time. Yours and mine. And the minute Eli comes back, we can get on with the podcast. Ultimately, it's his time he's wasting, boys

and girls. I don't want to, you know, keep you here any longer than I am to. But it's up to Eli now. It's up to Eli to make a decision whether he wants to behave and come home or whether he wants to be Inchman for a bit longer. Now... How much longer? How much longer? You mentioned distance. How many inches longer?

No, not... How many? No, come on. Time. No, come on. You can tell me. It's time, not space. All right. I can measure time in inches. You can't.

Yes. Go on. Name a time. Eight o'clock. That's two inches. Inch, inch. No. Well, then what is nine o'clock?

Three inches. Inch, inch, inch. So then what is one inch? 12.30. It can't be. It has to be seven inches, you twat. Mate, at least it can be consistent. This is 14 minutes now. Alright, I'll get Eli then.

Yeah, go on. Well, what a naughty boy. Oh Christ, my livid beans. My livid beans. Right Paul, here sniff this, give me a huff report and then we can rate them. Jesus wept. No, these are the beef and fucking mustard ones. You gave me them, you twat end. It's quite a smell, Paul. What are we smelling again? I've lost count since that whole fucking protracted four minutes of podcast.

Wasted. It's a character. I was angry with you. You're not doing very well today. You're not doing very well. I'll put you over my pants. Smack your bottom. You've got to pissed up, mate. I'm not pissed.

You have been letting the side down. I'm not. It's my birthday. It's not your birthday. It's my birthday podcast. It was yesterday. My podcast. Now, is it just me? And I will cry if I want to. You'd cry too if this happened to you. I'm getting a strong pickle.

Just like the roast beef and mustard. I'm getting more pickle than I am smoked ham. Can I huff? Just going to jostle the microbes. Jostle the powder. No, you know what?

I can actually smell the bacon in that. The quote-unquote bacon. It's not bacon, though. It's going to be ham. So there you go. But you know what I'm getting at, though. The pork products.

Pork smell. A sweet umami. Is it just me? Yeah, that's a good description of it, actually. Yeah. It's a sweet umami. But, um. Sweet umami.

She comes from Italy. It's a pink. It's got a pink sort of colour code, and it's making me think of prawn cocktail when I smell it. Yes. Yes. Yes. So there's an overlap, isn't there?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The pickle is a sort of, it's a tangy. And yet ham and pink is a fine. You know, I've researched tangy. Did we do this last time? I think we did. Tangy doesn't have a distinct meaning. But there is a tanginess to that.

Shall we taste these for accuracy now? We should now, yes. Hmm, interesting. Not as nice as the roast beef and mustard ones, are they? No, they're pleasant enough. But weirdly, now that you put prawn cocktail in there... I'm tasting prawn cocktail. Yeah.

I think we should demote these. I don't know what we gave it, but let's take a point off. Okay. So if it was 7.5, 6.5, yeah? Yeah. Right, well, that's that done. Next, Mr. Silverman. Now, moving on to the actual Cheap Eats section.

Now, this is the original content. Is there something else that I picked up from that hauntologically overpowering B&M embarking? Hauntologically? Yeah, look at that. You can't. Hauntologically. They just gave me hauntsly. Yeah, you're a twat.

So. How do you spell it? We're not discussing this, Paul, now. You know, I'm trying to do the show. You wouldn't let Inchman have a go. Hauntology. Hauntology. Hauntorangeuntology Hauntology

is a portmanteau of haunting and ontology. It is a neologism introduced by French philosopher Jacques Derrida in his 1993 book Spectres of Marx As a philosophical content it refers to the return

or persistence of elements from the past as in the manner of a ghost So I used it to describe the return or persistence of elements from the past as in the manner of a ghost so i used it to describe the b&m because it has that sort of haunted logical sort of 80s vibe that's all i was saying okay is give me why are you reaching me out i'm impressed with that you so i thank you okay it's a new word you've used it correctly yeah i challenged you on it I looked it up it meant what I thought you stand proud I certainly do right so in that B&M

I bought those the Branigans which I was looking for but I also saw these and I'd seen these online again someone on the Twitter feed had put these up that's the thing about B&M

you find that shit there because they have brands of stuff that don't seem to exist in any other retail situation but I wonder if half of it is like... Meaning shop. Yeah, I think half of the reason of that is like they import from other countries their flavours and spin-offs or special editions.

Also, I think a lot of the stuff that they sell is stuff that was sold in the UK but ultimately didn't do very well, wasn't on the shelves long in Tesco and then got shipped over back to the warehouse. Yeah. And then they take the stock. Seems to be, yeah. Weird. But I know this is, by the way, what we're going to taste today, Paul, is Fry's Turkish Delight Lemon version. Now, can I ask a question?

Yes. When they advertise this, do they ever do a spoof of Afternoon Delight? Do they ever go, ooh, right? Eat Fry's Turkish Delight? No, they did not. That's a shame, because that would have worked. They did have an advert. They did have a campaign, don't they, for the original? Well, Turkish Delight to me, because I hate Turkish Del not. That's a shame because that would have worked. They did have a campaign,

don't they, for the original? Turkish delight to me because I hate Turkish delight. Let's just start with that. And secondly, that Turkish delight, the one that we all know, fries really Turkish delight

because Turkish delight isn't covered in chocolate. It's just a rose kind of jelly. Rose flavoured jelly. Yeah. But it also, Turkish, it's,

they've got all sorts of different things. In Turkey, they'd call it all sorts of different things in Turkey they'd call it all sorts of different stuff it's just sweets they're sweets there do you know what I mean

and I think it was popularised from Lionel Witch and the Wardrobe yes because Edmund loved his Turkish delight it's like a drug in that

well she just uses it to lure a little kid into her right her cupboard cupboard yeah into her dirty cupboard into her cobwebby old cupboard.

Yeah, a snow witch. With a dead rat. It's got a dead rat nailed to the inside. No, you lost me. No, you lost me. You fill it with suet. Suet? Oh, he's going back to suet, ladies and gentlemen.

Pull back. No, it is. Suet-filled rat. Poultice. Suet-filled rat. Poultice. Do you want to get to the point of what we're doing? Oh, fucking shut up!

You've been a bad boy today. You're not playing nice. Ooh, height. Afternoon delight. This is Fries Turkish Delight Lemon. I've always loved Fries Turkish Delight. Really? Yes, which is like you Like you say A rose flavoured

Sort of jelly The packaging reminds you Of like Cadbury's Flake Because it's yellow With the purple Same colour yellow Yeah And now you've got

Your own to taste Oh have I? Yeah Oh god I hate this Look See if you like it More or less than God it's a thick bite

Isn't it? It's very That's what I like It packs a lot of sugar In a small amount Very sweet It's very warm as well do you not keep it in the fridge

has this been in your room stagnating and fucking sweating off I bought it yesterday but it's been sweating off in your shoe box of a room shut up

oh god stop burping do this here we go doing radio oh oh god

what's wrong with that everything is fucking I think it's quite nice in our earliest episodes we ate shit at home Oh, God. What's wrong with that? Everything is fucking horrible. I think it's quite nice. In our earliest episodes, we ate shit like that. What's wrong with it? Come on.

I can't eat that. Okay, that's fine. I can't swallow it. Have a sip of beer, Paul. Oh, God. Oh, God. It feels like I've eaten one of those gel blocks you put on a toilet, but they've covered it in chocolate. No, I think it's not.

It's got a quite nice mellow lemon flavour. No, you are wrong. It's not a very sharp lemon flavour. You are wrong. It's much sweeter. Jesus Christ. That is horrible. That is the worst.

No, it's not the worst thing I've put in my mouth. We need a score. His name was Gary. Spoff, need chod off that's what you've done to the podcast you've made it based success success is based on nonsense now i do i have not i came to you five years ago with an idea and that was to do a podcast a jovial podcast about the things we like and find in charity shops and whatnot right now it's a show where weekly we come up with words

to basically infer spunk or shit and how much we ingest or give out of it using words such as choffney or spod or chungle or gluge or blomp. I'm not such a huge fan of the flaps. Or choggers. No. No, Paul. No. Stop breaking down the pod. fan of the flaps or choggers no no Paul no

when I remember stop breaking down the pod I'm trying to in that golden Ganon's quest episode where I called orc sperm

chocker it's not what the show is now I do need a score for you from you for you for

I need a score from you for the fries Turkish delight lemon edition out of five. Right. I'll tell you this.

If you like that kind of shit, it's probably a three and a half. That's a point five for me. I really didn't like it at all. I hate chocolate. I don't like that kind of soft jelly, lemon citrus kind of... It's like thick jam. A thick, horrible curd almost. Yeah, it's like a lemon curd.

With a kind of poor chocolate over it. It tastes very much like lemon curd. Yeah. Lemon curd was something my granddad used to fucking adore putting on toast. And I remember as a kid loving it as well. And then I don't know what happened, but sometime in my teens I had some and it made me gack. For me, that works. The flavour combo work nicely on that.

I am done with Fry's Lemon Turkish Delight. I'll go for a 3.75. I liked it. Well, how much was that? A quid for three. A quid? That's all right, I guess. If you like that, I'd actually prefer just normal Turkish Delight.

I like it. It's weird. It's weird. I don't like the combination of textures and flavours. Yeah, yeah. The chocolate and the lemon and the jelly. It's quite unusual, but it works. I think it works because they weird. It's weird. I don't like the combination of textures and flavours. Yeah, yeah. The chocolate and the lemon and the jelly. It's quite unusual, but it works. Because I think it works because they've gone for the more...

The weird thing is... The softer end of the lemon flavour there. The weird thing is... It's not like, you know, like a lemon Fanta or something. Yeah, no. It's that really chemically sort of sharp. Like that fucking drink. It doesn't have that, does it?

Remember that drink we had ages ago that tasted of like... Yeah, yeah. Literally like bleach. Yes. But do you know what I mean? They've taken that... That's not what... No, it's not that. It's not that. That's not what that is. No, that's not that.

It's not that. That's what I'm getting at. It's a softer jelly. To be fair, if that had just been without the chocolate, it may be covered in like a sugar powder. I don't like Turkish delight. Maybe I'd like that, but the chocolate just does not work for me. Now, noodle mention before we end this section.

I feel really nauseous. All right. We are going to have a little break where you can get your breath back. Reassess your life choices And stuff But just a little Noodle mention Such a rainbow Of horrible flavours

Came up my throat then Paul It's a fucking Tapestry of yuck Paul Kiss me Please No

It's my birthday It's not your birthday I don't do lips And especially Whilst we're recording Okay so I don't do lips, and especially whilst we're recording, okay? So... I don't do lips. Just so you know, I don't do lips, ladies and gentlemen,

especially when you're in a garden. Yeah, that's what I said, but just in a bad northern accent. Yeah, but I did it. That's the reason why I did it. You did it. What's the reason? To be funny? It was the aim.

Well, I can tell you, good sir, you have summarily failed at being funny at all. The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about. Again, you've managed to use a... Oh, a broke Eli. Oh, he's broken. Prepare to receive the flaccid penis.

Right. Succulent Chinese meal. Now, Paul, just a little noodle mention before we end this segment. Yes, we'll just have a little bit of noodle. It's happened. Pot Noodle have lost the pot noodles. Right. Because it must be because ramen in this format, in a packet format,

rather than the cup noodle, must be quite popular. It's weird, though. You know what? It's like, what they've done is, they've sold you on the other that you don't need the pot, but the pot is actually

the reason why you buy it because it's all in the cup and you don't need to put it in a bowl or anything. So it's weird, isn't it? But it's just make, it's more versatile

so you can pimp it easier. And also, it's not the flavours. Yeah, but it's also not the flavours of pot noodles. So it's not, that's not a chicken and mushroom.

That's not a beef and tomato. They've got different flavours. That's not a big boy, bam boy. What is it? Big boy, boy, dicky boy. No, big boy, bam boy. What is it? Bam boy?

Baz Bamming Boy. Bambo Big Boy. Baz Bamming Boy, the movie. Baz Critic. Baz Bigger Boy. Remember Baz Bamming Boy? That's not a name. Yes, it is.

Is that how you say his name? Baz Bamming Boy, yeah. Baz Bumming Boys. I knew that was coming. Bomb boy. I'm sorry. Oh, you've got Yes, it is. Is that how you say his name? Baz Bummingboy, yeah. Baz Bummingboys. I knew that was coming. Bomb boy. I'm sorry. Oh, you've got me at it now. Baz Bummingboys.

He's a film reviewer. Bombay Bad Boy. I think they've, because they've removed that now. What? Because you don't even call it Bombay anymore, do you? No, I don't know. It's Mumbai. Either way, what flavours are these?

These are sweet chilli flavour. And curry. And they also had a chicken, which I didn't pick up. When they say curry, is that the atypical chip shop curry? Well, that's why I'm interested to give these a taste. We're not doing it now, obviously. Feast from the East. They're using this sort of language.

Yeah, read the bottom of the other one. It says, spice up your life. Everybody in the world, spice up your life. Sweet chilli. That's interesting, because I don't think I've ever tried a sort of sweet chilli flavour noodle before. But are they saying this is the exact same kind of noodle you get in a pot noodle, or is it modified? It just says, from the nation's favourite instant noodle brand.

So they're basically trying to muscle in on a part of the market which they felt they didn't have a presence in. It's funny because you know this is going to fail. This won't last. You think? I don't think this has got the staying power. Even if you were students, I think you'd forego these for a decent noodle. And it looks like they're not going to go for the sort of bachelor's super noodle approach here.

Where you just boil it off. Where it's going to have lots of corn flour. And the way you know an actual pot noodle is all that has that corn flour and it's very thick. Do you know what I mean? And floury. Staring sachets reduce heat slightly. So they've got sachets in it, but it's got to be one, isn't it?? And floury. They're in sachets, reduced heat. So they've got sachets in it, but it's got to be one, isn't it?

It's got to be just one of the flavours. So it is a super noodle. Yes, but I think they're going to go from the illustration. It looks like it's got little bits and it looks like there's not like a thick. So maybe they're going for a more watery. Do you know what I'm getting at?

I don't know. This looks like super noodle shit. Well, we'll be tasting these on a segment that I like to call Eli's Urban Noodle Country Kitchen Test Lab Kitchen Noodle. Want to stir up your dinner? Try adding stir-fry veg to become the master of all noodles. See, it's about pimping.

It's about ease of pimping. They've gone with that way. Try adding peas and bell peppers to become the master of all. They don't say that on a pot noodle, do they? Pot noodle, you're meant to just pour it in. Job done. They've been listening to this fucking podcast, haven't they? They're getting on the pimping train.

Let's just say. Pot noodle execs are getting on the pimping train. Where are they getting it from, Paul? I refuse. Where are they getting it from? I refuse to believe just adding peas and bell peppers to this makes you the king of all noodles. I was saying you're the king of noodles if you do that.

Yes, master of all noodles. I will be the judge of these pot noodles without the pot noodles. Well, we'll judge that at a later date, can I imagine? We will be judging them

harshly with their annoying copy on side of new packet of noodle. Right, that's the cheap show. Harshly, I tell you.

That's the cheap eat segment done. Fuck you. What? Why is this segment done? Because you have nasty to fucking inch man. I'm going to have to put up

with that later in the green room. You mean your bedroom? The antechamber. Your bedroom. Larry is not staying in my bedroom. Are you going to give Inchman all of your inch? Larry isn't like that.

Larry accepts me for who I am. And you are? Who I want to be when I'm around Larry. We're just going to have a couple of drinks later. Yeah. But I'm going to have this. And then one thing leads to another. All of this from him about, oh, Paul was mean to me.

You said I could say, give him some inches. And he only let me have nine inches or whatever. Oh, he'll be chewing my ear off. Oh, Eli. Oh, and then he'll say, do you want some inches? And I'll have to give him, let him do inches. Because you weren't nice to him. Right.

Yeah, go on. That's why I fuck you, Paul. You're fucking... You're making shit harder for me. That's why you fuck me. No, that's why I said fuck you. Because fuck you. Why?

Because you've been nasty to Larry. He does not exist. He's a construct of your demented mind. Don't say that. Now you're being very mean. Your pudding trifle brain. Is it a suet? No, it's not.

It's more of a paxo. Your head is full of paxo. Is my head like a watermelon? Your head is full of spoffy paxo. Does it get all lumpy? Yeah, it takes a farmer to shove his hand up your mouth and fill your brains with his dirty paxo. See you after the sound effect

everybody. It's time for Silverman's Platters. It's not, though. It's not? Good point. It's Paul's Platters. Who's the patron saint of that segment, Paul? Top Cat.

All right. I can't do Top Cat. Think of someone else. You just do Top Cat like this. It's like that, isn't it? He duff as a dibble. We just do Top Cat like this. Like that. Okay, so you want me to do Top Cat like this. It's like that, isn't it? He duff as a dibble. We just do Top Cat like this. Like that.

Okay, so you want me to be Top Cat when you introduce this Paul's Platters. Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for Paul's Platters with the patron saint of Paul's Platters and that happens to be Top Cat. Yay, boo-boo. I like a record. Oh, KTC.

Why? Why that? You can't do anything unless it's derivative. You can't produce something that is all your own. All right. The patron saint of Paul's Platters is Captain Alan Sampson. Okay. And he has sailed the seas looking for records.

I'm getting it. So, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Captain Alan Sampson. Arr, them be records. Yay! Them be records, ladies and gentlemen. I like it. Oh, thank you, Alan. Arr, I be off on the ocean.

Yeah, you can bring back some more records next time. Arr, I got barnacles all up me winkle hole. Why do you have that? Why do you have barnacles up your up your winky hole? Up me winkle hole, yeah, when you're dragging your arse through the sea for several years, sonny lad, me jim. Just like that, the cat is ruined. Just like that.

You get a load of barnacles and hairy hairy watsits. Hairy watsits. Well, you know what? Anyway, this week on... Arrgh! The ocean! This week on Paul's Platters, we are looking at three... Seven inches?

Three seven inches. Of varying qualities. Three sevens, let's call it. Why? He will come back. He's very... Take it back. Why?

I want three... Forty-five RPM singles. RPM singles. Thank you. On vinyl. Yes. Right. I want three... 45 RPM singles. RPM singles. Thank you. On vinyl. Yes. Right.

So, I saw these in an RSPCA in Harrow, and I just thought each one of them was interesting enough to talk about today. Very much so. We're going to start with this one here, which is Roland Ratt. Roland Ratt Superstar. That was his full name. Yes. With a Love Me Tender. That was his full name. Yes. With Love Me Tender. That is the Elvis tune.

Yes. Now, but Elvis, there's a middle eight section spoken word bit in the actual song. Yeah. It's like poetry, sort of. And Elvis famously could never remember it. Why? When he's doing the song live. Because it was a big hit

for him, but he didn't like singing it. I can imagine why. It's not a great song. No. And he always used to, there's footage of him where you can just hear him go mental. Yeah.

Literally. You mean mental? No, he's like he's having a breakdown. He doesn't know what he's saying. Let me tell you. I don't control. No, he's not even trying to sing. No, that's a good point.

And for this year's award for most accurate and entertaining impression of Elvis Presley having a breakdown, it's going to Paul Gannon. Thank you very much. I've worked hard for this. Let me just do it one more time for you. Here we go. I'm going to be the most solo one to ball with me. my soul what's wrong

with me we've lost Paul everybody I've got all my head in it's all the booze you've been drinking

it's not it's the joi de viva joi de viva joi de viva you get your joi de viva from the bottom

of a bottle. Happy birthday to me. No, it's not your birthday anymore. Chofny spod off to me. Listen. Chofny spod off. Chokny mop mop. Let's chofny spod off.

Nip this in the bud, Paul. To me. Let's nip this in the bud. I just want to say one thing to you yeah chortney sparrow oh she's lovely yeah right so um what roland rat rolling rat so let's start the beginning oh paul i found something in here oh really what is it this how did i miss that this is wow this is a promotional copy of the roland. I knew it was because you said there was a picture disc version. Yeah.

And this isn't the picture disc version. And remember, I said to you, this is probably like a promotional copy they sent to DJs. Sorry. That they sent to DJs. Yeah. And now I've found, with the compliments of Magnet Records Limited, Lots of Love, Alex. So this was sent to the DJs somewhere. Sent to as. Yeah. And now I've found with the compliments of Magnet Records Limited, lots of love, Alex.

So this was sent to the DJs somewhere. Sent to a DJ. This is for labels called Rodent Records. Yeah, but they're obviously a subsidiary of Magnet.

High class music for discerning rodents. But how, does it say Magnet? Yeah, it says 1984 Magnet distributed by RCA. Magnet put out

a lot of British disco stuff. Really? Yeah. I love that old school logo magnet yeah yeah yeah very 70s you can see pictures of all of the cover artwork for these so let's stop take a step back and explain who roland ratt is to our international listeners on the cheap show website so back in the 80s uh there was a morning magazine format news show on the

terrestrial commercial channels itv called tv am and apparently it was it was more of a it was a morning magazine format news show on the terrestrial commercial channels, ITV, called TVAM. And apparently it was struggling. It was more of its own company, wasn't it? It was like a network. It's complicated. ITN and all this kind of stuff. Yeah, but it was like a subsidiary in the same way that Granada TV or something. It was an actual independent production company.

Okay, all right. Either way. Which had a slot, like a five-hour slot. It was like six till ten or something either way it was struggling in the ratings it wasn't catching fire

because it was based on an American model of TV a morning TV yeah it was an unusual thing to have on that time of day nothing had been done

like that beforehand another memorable thing about TV AM you can still see because it's listed the eggs at the back of Camden Town along the canal

those egg cup things were part of the specially built building that they had for them can still see because it's it's listed the eggs at the back of camden town along the canal yeah those egg cup things were part of the specially built building that they had for them in camden town which now is mtv or whatever the company via com or something yeah yeah and they've actually changed it but they couldn't change the egg cup bits at the back oh which are these architectural they're architectural little decorations the same way you get sort of pineapples on old victoria you know it was funny as well because you used to of pineapples on old Victorian, you know, old... It was funny as well because you used to see those

at the end of every episode during the titles, that whole building. You did, they used to be on it, yes. So, the show was struggling and apparently they brought in a puppet

and that puppet was voiced by, let me get this right, it was a voice and operated and created by a guy called David Claridge. He had previously designed and operated Mooncat,

a puppet. Do you remember Mooncat? I don't. It was a CITV show from something called Get Up and Go. Claridge also worked for Jim Henson and then the second series of The Young Ones. Ah, did he do the puppet work on The Young Ones? Yeah. Remember those rodents, aren't they?

The rats, aren't they? Vivian had a pet hamster, didn't he, called something or other. So he specialises in rodent characters. And then he went on to voice dinosaurs for a BBC show called Powell L9. Don't know. Directed some Channel 5 show and shoot a CGI series called Mozart's Dog for Paramount Comedy. Mozart's Dog. What's he called?

Mozart's Dog. Beethoven. Because that's a dog as well. Yeah, it is a dog. It's right. Why? Don't call dogs after that. He wouldn't call your big dog list.

Would you? You might. If you lent to one side. I'm reading a book. Someone's called their dog Hendrix. Good name for a dog, isn't it? Yeah. No, it is.

Hendrix. Hendrix. Stop licking the guitar. Hendrix. Hendrix. Oh, God. Hendrix. He shat on the guitar.

No, I was thinking of that other one with the guy who's chasing him. He's coughing on the guitar. No, that guy who chases his one where the guy's chasing... He's puffing on the guitar. No, that guy who chases his dog and he was like, what was the dog's name? Oh, yeah. Benson. Benson!

Benson! No, it's Hendrix! So, the character of Roland Ratt is this kind of self-proclaimed superstar full of arrogance and... Narcissism. Yeah, narcissism. He's a vulnerable narcissist.

And his character on the show was to lighten it up with a kind of self-aware wink to the audience. Essex kind of dreary voice. Yeah, there's a song. The voice was... A bit like Blakey from On the Buses. Yeah.

Who are you, butler? And then he's got two sidekicks, didn't he? Errol and Kevin. Yeah, who were two other types. Errol was a hamster and Kevin was a gerbil or something like that. No, he was a rat. Yeah, who were two other types. Errol was a hamster and Kevin was a gerbil or something like that. No, he was a rat. Yeah.

One of them's from Wales. Errol. And Kevin was the hamster who liked the pink bucket, which we'll get into later. So he's just Essex as well. He hasn't... No.

It's like, he talks a bit like this, doesn't he, Errol? He's a bit more like this. You hear it in the song, don't you? Anyway, we haven't identified

what Errol's accent is. It doesn't matter. You hear it in the song in a minute. Anyway, we haven't identified what Errol's accent is. It doesn't matter. The point is that all these characters existed and became super successful and helped save TV AF. They helped save the station. Helped boost the ratings. And off the back of that, later on down the line, he got his own TV show, books and merchandise.

And that was on... Was that on the... Well, he jumped to the BBC, I think, at one point. It was on the BBC, I'm sure. I think he jumped to the BBC at some point for his own sitcom-y kind of format. But, whatever reason, they thought it appropriate to jump on that bandwagon,

rinse as much money out as possible, and he released a bunch of songs, one of which was called Rat Rappin'. Don't believe we've covered. Yeah, Rat Rappin', compared to this, is much better than this. This is definitely, I mean, ironically, this is Roland Ratt's

Fat Elvis period, isn't it? Yeah, isn't it? And it is, the end, it didn't chart very highly, this one. I'll tell you what, so the first song you released

in 83 called Ratt Rapping, which is, if you can imagine the puppets rapping, you've got it exactly in your head as what you think it sounds like.

That got to number 14, Love Me Tender in 84, reached 32. Yeah. After that... Oh, this isn't the last one. The next song after that was number one Rat Fan, which positioned at number 72.

Wow. And then he did one song called Rollin' Rat, Living Legend, which was released but never charted. And there was an album. He had two albums, a cassette of the album, a cassette version of the recording entitled The Album. Now, if there was ever any sort of humour or laughs to be had

on this song, Paul, the context has disappeared with the 80s and it's just very flat now. Let's hear it. Let's hear it. This, Love Me Tender sung by a puppet Essex rat. Hee hee hee hee. Here we go again, Lynch.

Here we go again, Lynch. Here we go again, Lynch. Here we go again, Lynch. Here we go again, Lynch. Here we go again, Lynch. Here we go again, Lynch. Here we go again, Lynch. Here we go again, Lynch.

Here we go again, Lynch. Here we go again, Lynch. Here we go again, Lynch. Here we go again, Lynch. Here we go again, Lynch. Here we go again, Lynch. Here we go again, Lynch. Here we go again, Lynch.

Here we go again, Lynch. Here we go again, Lynch. Here we go again, Lynch. Here we go again, Lynch. Here we go again, Lynch. Here we go again, Lynch. Here we go again, Lynch. Here we go again, Lynch.

Here we go again, Lynch. Here we go again, Lynch. Here we go again, Lynch. Here we go again, Lynch. Here we go again, Lynch. Here we go again, Lynch. Here we go again, Lynch. Here we go again, Lynch.

Here we go again, Lynch. Here we go again, Lynch. Here we go again, Lynch. Here we go again, Lynch. Here we go again, Lynch. Here we go again, Lynch. Here we go again, Lynch. Here we go again, Lynch.

Here we go again, Lynch. Here we go again, Lynch. Here we go again, Lynch. Here we go again, Lynch. Here we go again, Lynch. here we go again, Lynch. here we go again, Lynch. here we Love me tender, love me sweet, never let me go. You have made my life complete, and I love you so.

Love me tender, love me true, all my dreams fulfilled For my darling I love you And I'll always be Yeah, that does not work for me. I'm not a huge fan of the song in the first place, and that's a busy mess. I was looking forward to the middle bit where he does the spoken word bit where she used to freak Elvis out.

But they don't. They just have a conversation with... Yeah. What's it called? You just have a bit of a banter. The gerbil. Kevin. Yeah.

It's all right in here, isn't it? Yeah, they just have a... But they do a thing where at the very end, he's going, oh, you ruined it or whatever. And he goes, oh, I'll get you a bucket. And then side two is the pink bucket song. If a song... Are we going to have a bit of that?

You know what? Play the beginning where he mentions the bucket. Yeah, we'll do the lead in. Great, here it is, roll! Leave those drums alone, Reggie. Here, Kev. What kind of bucket were you

thinking in terms of then? Pardon, Roland? To soak me feet in, what kind of bucket? Just a lovely one, Roland. Why? What colour? Pink. Why? I just wondered, that's all, because I'm not putting my feet in a pink bucket, am I? I'd look a right sissy.

So listen to this, Roland. All right, Gerald, ready when you are. I can't wait to hear this. When I'm feeling down, I sometimes wear a frown. Do you know what I do? I'll give you a clue. I soak my feet cos they know I oughta. I fetch my pink bucket full of water

Pink bucket Pink bucket And you know what it says in brackets on the cover? Go on. The pink bucket song side two, brackets, or how to waste

an entire side of a record makes this Kevin the Gerbil. We need to get into it. They spaffed it off, didn't they? Spunked it up a wall. So yeah, they just didn't spunk. Sorry. They spaffed it off, didn't they? Spunked it up a wall. So, yeah, they just...

Didn't spunk. Sorry. They pissed it out. They shorted it out. They shorted on the charts. The short charts. That's our new segment. Short the charts.

Ooh, can I do a character? I can't, I'm thinking. Short man. Hooey! I do declare I am the short man.

I do shorting on the morning man I do shorten on the morning Shorten in the evening Shorten Shorten all the time No Just done with it Eli No

Eli No you know what This is getting out of hand No we're not doing any characters We're not Does he need any No He needs a sidekick

No I'm gone now Bye here No Larry Get back in Larry Yeah go away Larry Larry No characters Need any? No. He needs a sidekick. No. Two inches. I'm gone now. Bye, you hear? No, Larry, get back in, Larry. Yeah, go away, Larry. Larry. All right, no characters. I can't.

I don't have the... Larry, get back in there. You can do some inches by yourself. Just going to carry on drinking. Hitch, hitch, hitch, hitch. Hitch, hitch, hitch, hitch. Poor, hitch, hitch, hitch. Poor.

Poor. Yeah, that's all your fault. You know what happens when you try to introduce characters now. Larry comes out. So what? Larry's in your back pocket to come out if I even attempt. He's not in my back pocket. He's in the antechamber.

He's not in an antechamber. He's in an uncle section. Did you like Roland Ratt at the time? No. No. I remember enjoying Roland Ratt. Can I just say something? There's a horrible little bit in that at the time? No. No, I remember enjoying Roland Ratt. Can I just say something?

There's a horrible little bit in that at the beginning where he goes, Hey, I'm not going to put my feet in a pink bucket. I look like a sissy. And I was like, you drive around in a pink Ford Angular. Also, sissy is not these days. We don't use that. I mean, I get it at the time that he's trying to say, Hey, I want to look tough and macho. Well, that was part of the thing because he wasn't tough or macho.

He was a coward. It was that kind of character, wasn't it? He's like, yeah. Well, no, he was just an arrogant, ego-led dickhead. And he had two sycophantic friends, Errol and Kevin,

who propped up his ego despite the fact that he always shat on them. He had an official fan club. Yeah, he did. So pretty terrible. But it's interesting that this was a pristine copy.

Very pristine because it's only been played once where the DJ went oh there's a letter from a radio stage a letter from a production house oh I'll give it a go

played it once oh we're not putting that on the air so that goes in a box yeah and that gets to number 32 so some people must have been buying it

but this single covers a few things we've noticed that becomes a trend when it comes to novelty 80s UK records. The tropes of 80s novelty records. So, one is the tossed off B-side that's a meta joke.

Yes. Where it's like, oh, we haven't got anything for the B-side, so let's make that the whole point. But in a lot of cases, it's a meta joke they're trying to make, but they don't actually have anything for the B-side in reality. This one felt more like it. But we've talked about Morris Minor and the Majors and their B-side and how that's intentionally an annoying track. Yes.

And then you've got Morecambe and Wise, the B-side, that song that they sang. You've got the Harry Enfield one we played a little while ago where it had this whole, what we doing for a B-side? Yeah. You know that, B-side! Yeah.

We what? You got to do a B-side. A B-side! Well, the Harry Enfield, the B-side. Yeah. Wait, what? You've got to do a B-side. The B-side. Well, the Harry Enfield, the... Loads of money thing. That's actually where it works very well on the loads of money, doesn't it? The young ones want it. As well.

So it's always something they did because of the format. You wouldn't do that in a novelty record. It's another thing. It's another... Affectation of the novelty record. Which doesn't exist because the format no longer exists. Yeah. The actual physical format.

There's no need. Do you see what I mean? Yeah. It's kind of like you don't need to fill up time when you don't need to fill up time. exists. Yeah. The actual physical format. Do you see what I mean? Yeah. It's kind of like you don't need to fill up time when you don't need to fill up time. Yeah. There's no B-side. The equivalent now, or in the CD era, was like a CD single had sort of bonus tracks. But they were always remixes. They were usually remixes.

Shit remixes. Rather than a different thing. Yeah. I remember being really disappointed when I bought Tongue Tie, the song from Red Dwarf, sung by The Cat. And it was just a different mix. First of all, the song that they released was awful compared to the one that featured in the show. Often

a problem with soundtrack things. It's like a weak mix. And then all the other covers, the remixes, were tedious shit. And it's the same song. Essentially a remix, isn't it? So yeah, it's just like they had all this CD space and thought, ah, just toss off a bunch of this shit. So what are the other tropes? So you've got Meta Joke B-Sides. yeah, it's just like they had all this CD space and thought, ah, just toss off a bunch of this shit.

So what are the other tropes? So you've got Meta Joke B-Side. Well, it's something we'll come on to when we do our third song later on. But that one contains the Tossed Off B-Side.

Because obviously, we'll talk about it again, but rap rapping was one of those things that has very similar tropes to what we're going to talk about finally, what we've talked about before

with Snot Rap. Yes, Kenny Everett's Snot Rap. Which we'll get to talk about finally, what we've talked about before with snot rap. Yes. Kenny Everett's snot rap. Which we'll get to, but for now. And also the Steve Wright stuff, like Mr. Angry. Angry rap. All the Steve Wright. Everything Steve Wright did was like pure 80s novelty record cash-in.

And it was terrible because basically it's like, you can see he's got a bit of Bill Oddie to him where he's known as a broadcaster, but I think deep down he wished he's got a bit of Bill Oddie to him, where he's known as a broadcaster, but I think deep down he wishes he could be taken seriously as a musician. Well, there's that whole 12-inch that we reviewed. Yeah, that horrible 12-inch that we reviewed. How many centimetres is 12 inches? Don't say that.

How many centimetres is 12? No, go away! Itch, itch, itch, itch, sorry! Did anyone want to see it? Are you coming out? I am coming out! No, go away! Inch, inch, inch, inch, sorry! Did anyone want to... Here, if you're coming out, I am coming out! No, no more characters. Inch, inch, inch, here we go! Do you want some inches, cowboy man?

Howdy boy! Cowboy man, do you want some inches? No, howdy! That's done. I had some other points to make. Go on. I did not like this. No, I thought it was a terrible cover of a song I didn't particularly like in the first place

I did feel the actual production standard On the backing track was the highest of all three In fact the little song that Kevin sings is better And I wanted to hear more of that Oh I was going to say something else It's a bit of a tangent Paul But the whole B-side thing

There's a very famous and very rare British psych rock british psych rock single right tin turn abbey is the band and the b-side is called b-side b-e-e-s-i-d-e okay amazing track it's like what's its raison d'etre they were just some hippies who did a load of acid and weren't did put one single out and the b-side is what some kind of tossed off psychedelia thing it's not it's it's a classic that's why put one single out. And the B-side is what, some kind of tossed off psychedelia thing? It's not. It's a classic.

That's why the original single goes for like two grand or something. Oh shit, just because of the B-side or just because it's rare in general? No, because of both tracks.

I can't remember what the A-side is called. We'll check it out at some point. Well, maybe play a bit of that. Probably won't. I probably didn't.

I've got enough to do. I'm not going to fucking find another obscure song called Hippie Prog Bank. No, you will find it easily. I'm not doing it. Put Tim Turnaby in. The fact that this bit's in the podcast right now

that you're listening to and they're listening to shows I haven't found that track. Why are you so mean? You're being so mean. Do you edit the podcast? Do you know how long it takes? I'll help you. I'll come and I'll do that.

I'll snip it in. You don't know how things work. Can we feel? Can we feel? Can we feel? Yeah. A dog's mouth with cock. No.

Almost. No. Almost. Can we fill? We'll take the podcast. Like a chihuahua. Get a lot of suet. A truckload of suet.

20 minutes in and we've still got two more tracks to go. And I'm editing this right now going, I wish we'd spotted quicker. Stop talking to yourself, the editor, okay? Hello, Paul. How are you doing? You're not doing it. How's the edit going? You're tired and stressed.. Stop talking to yourself, the editor, okay? Hello, Paul. How you doing? How's the edit going? You're tired and stressed. It's about Thursday night, isn't it?

Probably about midnight right now as you get to this because you've left it last. Hello, Paul. Can I talk to him? Yeah, go on. Fucking chill out, mate. Just do it.

Get on with the edit. He's doing it as fast as he can. Could you leave us alone, please? No, because he has to take every one of your... Could you stop talking to us here because I'm trying to get Paul to do the fucking show.

I was going to say something about suet and fucking something full of suet. Eli slaps his lips too much, so I have to cut them out all the time. You know what smacks its lips? What? A hungry suet hole, which I've lined with hair around the slit. Fail line. Fail humour. Next song.

Out of flunk by a plodger in the suet hole is it a platter or a splatter that for me it's a splatter Paul it's a splatter for me I think the B side's better and unfortunately

that's what you've paid for it's not very good you can see why he was tumbling down the charts well it's also it's just part of that whole shit where I don't think even like

snot rap charted that highly they were a gimmick you know fans bought them but no one really thought it was a proper everlasting classic. No, but he did have a big presence.

Three singles, two LPs. And, you know, he banged around for most of the 80s. Next is a very interesting piece of vinyl that I found again at the RSPCA.

This is my top pick. I have to say, Paul. There's not much online about it outside of... There is a video. We'll get to that in a bit. A music video.

Get to that in a bit. A music video. Okay. Get to that in a bit. This is a single, and it's a song sung by a young boy called Mark Burdice, star of BBC TV's Grange Hill. Grange Hill. And he looks like James Acaster. He looks very much like James Acaster. Very much like him.

A young James Acaster. So the song's called A New World, and we're going to hear it in a minute. But what's interesting about this is that it's apparently a song released to coincide with the release of a short film

called Enter the Adventure and Enter the Adventure is a short film that promotes the YHA which is the Youth Hostel Association of Great Britain

so kids can explore the country or Europe and go hosteling and see people and meet things by a company called Sorrel International Film

who when I looked it up the only other films they made are called like Dentistry and Know Your Office Tactics so they're sort of a documentary corporate film

sort of an 80s yeah they made business corporate films about looking after your docklands and obviously films for sort of charities do you think the Y business corporate films about looking after your Docklands and obviously films for sort of

charities do you think the YHA would be a charity of some sort it is a charity but they didn't release that many songs this is a

label called YHA they released they had their own records YHA records why to release this

one song that's it yeah so I tell you what right now let's just listen to it this is the

star of the film singing a song that ties in and this is what it sounds like wake up in the morning with the sun in my eyes i can hear the wind calling come outside there's a summer land and a field of corn Horses racing out to meet the dawn And the trees are dancing and the sky is white and free

There's a new road and it's just beginning Going your way There's a new world And it's made for living YHA YHA It's reasonably unremarkable, right? Well, it's trying to be sort of It's sort of new wavy

It's an odd song It's very of the 80s Because it's got that You know those films You know when we did Donnie the Dinosaur Whatever it is That children's film

British film Whatever it is Council Yeah It feels film, British film, whatever it is. Council. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It feels like an offshoot of that. It certainly does feel like the same cultural sort of milieu. The short film used to be on YouTube, but now it's been taken down. What exists instead?

Is the music video. Which surprised me, Neil. And do you know who's in it? Well, first of all. Zamo. And Mark Burdice. So the music video has Zamo playing the drums. Which I believe his name is Lee MacDonald, right?

Who had the most notorious and famous storyline from the whole of Grand Chill. Just Say No. Just Say No. Which they released a song about, which was, I believe, quite successful. I've got that. Yeah. Just Say No. Melissa Wilson is her name.

Okay. And she also was popular in Grain Chill at the time. And she's in the video. It's interesting. I don't know. Anyway, it's a short film about these three kids who go on a wonderful youth hostel adventure. They have a great time. They have a kayak.

And the pop video, which I'll put a link to on our webpage for this episode, thecheapshow.co.uk, is just like the cast in a fake bedroom. An 80s bedroom. It's very 80s. There's a free nelson mandela by this is the selector yeah jimmy hendrix poster yeah uh it's got zammo on quote unquote the drums yeah but it looks more like monkey playtime in the zoo with a box sort of sitting on the floor and the female uh she's dancing she's dancing. She's clapping. Everyone's in the video. And James Acaster, he's a

singer. It looks very much more even like James Acaster. And then, towards the end of the video, which I think was probably an outtake, but they cut in, is him either doing impression of Groucho Marx or Jimmy Savile. There is such a fine line. He's doing a cigar thing with the mic, isn't he? Just watch

my face. Here's me doing Groucho Marx. Now here's me doing Jimmy Savile. There watch my face. Here's me doing Groucho Marx. Now here's me doing Jimmy Savile. There is a difference. There's a subtle difference. I did notice a difference. There was more eye movement with the Marx. With Marx. He keeps the eye contact.

So we don't know which impression he's doing. Now you can see obviously the artwork for these records on our website there'll be full photos the colour used Paul I just want to mention that

and the font for the new world it's this pastel-y turquoise that just reminds me of leisure centres yes and depression

do you know what I mean the British Empire it's that kind of thing it is isn't it that palette and like because it's just everything about it

it's a everything about it. It's a short film made to promote YHA, everything they do. They created a fucking record line to make this single. Crazy. And yet, I would argue, for a 1 minute 50 song, I don't know what they were expecting

because I don't believe it charted. It could have been released on BBC records, surely. No, because he's only from BBC's Grain Jill. He was probably one of the main stars of the time on Grain Jill, along with Zamo. And the YHA got him to do it. And it was like, come on, we're going to pay you to ride a horse.

And he gets to do a pop single. So you thought, this is good, isn't it? Yeah. It's not good. It's not good, but it's probably our favourite discovery this week. Now, what's really interesting to me, Paul, that's so unique, is the B-side on this.

Yes. Because the B-side seems to be, if not the full soundtrack, like it covers the whole of the song. Yes. It's an overture that returns to the chant of YHA for me or whatever, which is in the chorus of the A-side, The New World. So it comes back round to the main theme which is the song yeah

and it's got weird bits with like it's like a low rent moogie kind of synthy it's but it goes a lot of different places like there's a few

different moods there's a few different moods aren't there it goes from relaxing to tranquil to upbeat and bouncy shall we play them a bit of that

we're all going to do that right now. Thank you. I like it. Why hate Che? Four. 260 places to stay in England and Wales, from cottages to castles, mills to mansions, in countryside, city or coast.

500 hostels in over 50 countries worldwide. Money-spinning holidays and weekend breaks. Organise your own using youth hostels as a base or take part in one of our YHA planned holidays. We have activities and interests from art to zoology. For full information, blah, blah, blah, this phone number, blah, blah, blah.

And the music and lyrics by Zach, Laurie and Ken Howard from the Seoul International Film, blah, blah. This phone number. Blah, blah, blah. And the music and lyrics by Zach Laurie and Ken Howard from the sole international film Enter the Adventure. Written and directed by Ken Howard. I initially read that as Ken Russell. Yeah, I thought that's quite familiar, Ken Howard. No. No, there's not much. I don't believe there's not much anyway.

Interesting little completely forgotten thing. Again, a lot of effort to go into for a short film and a song. Well, they used to put singles out, didn't they? Oh, Ken Howard, composer. See, you said he spaffed it off, but I think there's some real ambition with the B-side. That's what he looks like. He looks like everyone's dad.

He does, doesn't he? He doesn't look like my dad. He looks like he's got a Ken hair. His hair is made of one piece of plastic. He has a very Ken hairline. Life and career. Born in Sussex,

blah, blah, blah. Worked on BBC TV drama in White City. Maybe he knew he had a connection with the TV drama. He ran and edited four issues of the

magazine Axel Quarterly. Is that about bike axles? I have no fucking idea. Yeah, he wrote The Legend of Xanadu with Dave D. Dozie, Beaky, Mick and Titch. Wow.

Yeah. He also worked with Petula Clark, Phil Collins, Sasha Distel, Rob Harris. He's one of those guys, isn't he? Frankie Howard. He worked on the theme song for the film with Up Pompeii. He's worked with Engelbert Humperdinck. Oh, yeah. The Kit.

Lulu. Yeah. Wow. He's obviously one of those guys. Ken Howard and Alan Blakely were the first British composers to write for Elvis Presley, including the hit I've Lost You. Wow. He's obviously one of those guys. Ken Howard and Alan Blakely were the first British composers to write for Elvis Presley, including the hit, I've Lost You. Wow. Which he later performed in the film, That's The Way It Is.

We've come full circle. Weirdly. Back to the Roland Ratt. Yeah. So yeah, he wrote bits and bobs. Paul, also going back to the photo for this, Mark Bird is a new world. Yeah. His teeth look wrong.

They've got the light. You know what I mean? They could have done something like that. Well, it's just British teeth. And also you can see his acne. Yeah. His teeth look wrong. Like they've got the light. You know what I mean? They could have done something like that. Well, that's just British teeth, isn't it? And also you can see his acne. Yeah. You just wouldn't do that these days, would you? Yeah, but that was probably always earthy and young and you can't take it out. You know, he's always

all innocent and pure. I'd prefer they just airbrushed it. Paul? It's interesting. I don't know where I fall on this one. I like the B-side, I have to say. I would say it's a platter, but not because of the music, so much of the content. The song's dreadful, but the B-side is, I think it's interesting.

Yeah. No, it's an interesting... Because it's film music from a, it's film music from a, just a little weird documentary promotional film, but it has a score. Do you know what I mean? Telany music,

T-E-L-E-N-Y music. It has a score. Yeah. And it has, you know, weird little score. It's like a micro movie budget release. It's like, here's the soundtrack, here's the film. We're both 10 seconds long each.

You know what I'm going for. Okay, shall we move on? Let's move on to what is easily the worst of our selections today, but probably the most atypical of what we get on the show. Atypical? Atypical. No, typical you mean. Atypical.

Right, time to look up atypical. Atypical means? Atypical. I to look up atypical atypical means atypical I'm sick of you and your language it's a TV show apparently fuck's sake heartfelt comedy what do you think atypical means

it means I think I think it means it's not representative of a type group or class it's unrepresented yeah that's what I meant

this is not the most atypical this is the most typical isn't it is that what you meant. This is not the most atypical. This is the most typical, isn't it? Is that what you meant? This is the one that covers the most tropes of this kind of record. So it's the most typical of that sort of record, yeah? How dare you? Come on,

I'm not mocking you. I'm saying you just, you used the, you did that thing. I said, when you listen back, I say in the podcast, this is a typical example of what we do. I'm not going to. It's fine. Yes.

You're the editor. Hello, editor Paul. He's drunk, you know. I'm going out. I'm going out in style. You're such a dick. Why does he have to be one? Now, the third platter today, Paul, is Rene and Yvette.

Right. Featuring Gordon Kay and Vicky Michelle with their version of Serge Gainsbourg and... Well, not Frankie Howard. That was just a different cover. The original is Serge Gainsbourg and Daniel... Birkin. Jane Birkin. Yeah. Je t'aime.

Je t'aime. Before we go any further... And they're from L.O.L.O. Well, let's start with that. So, in the UK, there was a sitcom and I believe it was hugely popular around the world as well. Yes, because it's one of those ones. Yeah, it's one of those ones called L-O-L-O. And it was a sitcom written by David Croft and Jeremy Lloyd. And they'd had hits with other...

They had hits with... Fuck my brain. Come on. Dad's Army and It Ain't Half Hot, Mum. There you go. Yeah, they wrote all the big hits of the 70s and 80s. So, they did. They wrote Dad's Army and It Ain't Half Hot Mum. There you go. Yeah, they wrote all the big hits of the 70s and 80s. So they did. They wrote Dad's Army, Are You Being Served,

Ain't Half Hot Mum, Heidi High, Hello, Hello. Okay. And Hello, Hello was a sitcom I genuinely hated at the time. I hated it. And hate more now. Yeah. It's set in a French cafe during the Second World War and it puts them on the Nazi...

Occupied France. Is it? Yeah, Nazi Occupied France. And it deals with this stupid little cafe and how they're involved with the resistance against that. They're involved with the resistance but they have a load of German officers who come in who are wacky.

Who are patrons of the bar. Yeah, and it's all basically... That's the comedic set up. And there's all kinds of sex farce stuff and espionage farce. Broadly farcical, isn't it? Very broad. I fucking hated it.

Very much like sort of Mrs. Brown's Boys in terms of its sort of broadness. Well, no. Because I would say Mrs. Brown's Boys lacks the subtlety of a low, low. Which is saying a lot. It's saying something. Because a lot of the biggest gags were about that guy who mispronounced English words, wasn't it? There's a British character who was meant to be French, doing French badly.

And his author was good moaning. Yeah, yeah. It's all my lilies, he said it or something. I will lick your wanker. It would be more funny, Paul, if they had an Italian who was obsessed with bosoms and he was like,

oh, hello, he's got Jane and there's Naples. What? That wouldn't work at all. I'm from A, I'm Luigi. I'm from Naples. Oh, what a racist, stereotypical character you're creating. I'm from Naples. What? That wouldn't work at all. I'm from A. I'm Luigi. I'm from Naples. Oh, what a racist stereotypical character

you're creating. I'm from a Naples. That was much worse. Ginerous. She has such Ginerous Naples. She has just Ginerous Naples.

Did you say Ginerous Naples? They were all very Ginerous. I like it. That board beers. Okay. I hated

What's the matter you? Hey. No, we're not doing this now. I'm saving that. I spoff at board beers. Okay. I hated... What's the matter you? Hey! No, we're not doing this now. I'm saving that. I spoff at your face. What's the matter you? Hey! Why you look so bad?

Hey! You had a lovely time. Hey! I've spent the 20 quid. Now you've got to let me spuff in your face. Open up at your vag. No, no, no, no, no. Bad Eli.

Open up at your vag. No. Bad Eli. Oh, come on. Spuffing in the face is better, is it? Yes. Than asking someone politely to open their vag. Fucking podcast. Paul. So anyway,

Hello, Hello, big success. I wanted to say on that, speaking on that, I also hated Hello, Hello. It's one of those, it epitomises for me, being at boarding school, it being Saturday or Sunday,

and having enjoyed some television, and then it comes on, and it's like, oh God, now I have to. It's depressing. It's boring beyond words. Because you know what the problem is? When you look at Dad's on and it's like, oh God, now I have to... It's depressing. It's boring beyond words. Because you know what the problem is? It's like,

when you look at Dad's Army, it's an affectionate look at British, the British mentality during the Second World War from a Little England kind of point of view, right? There's lots of interesting

dynamics going on, like little people giving lots of responsibility in how they deal with that. There's class comedy there. The problem I have with A Low A Low is that it's largely

a spiteful, stereotypical generalization of what we, as the Britons, saw Europe was behaving like during the Second World War. It's much more xenophobic at base,

isn't it really? If the French aren't incompetent, they're sexed up and distracted. If the Germans aren't fae and quite camp, they're mean psychopaths. Yes. You know what I

mean? And then anyone else who comes in are like the Italian stereotypes. There are Italians in the movie. And it's all a

little bit kind of ugly. I bet he doesn't do like Naples like that. Because sitcoms like that. She had Sashina

as Naples. That would have been a line. If that had been in there. It would have been a success. It would have

been a success. It was also a success anyway because they had the Fall of Madonna with the big boobies or your you stupid woman, eat this. Because again, Gordon Kaye played Rene, the shop cafe owner.

And for some reason, even though he was a dumpy middle-aged man, the hot lady who worked there, the maids, were throwing themselves at him. Yeah. Meanwhile, his stuck-up old wife's up in the... He had one long-term affair, illicit affair, with this character. Yvette, played by Vicky Michelle. Who in real life...

They weren't married in real life or anything? No. No, okay. I don't believe so. Do you remember? He had a horrific car accident. Yeah. Like, during his career.

After that. And he had, like, a plate put into his head. It was like a storm, I think, and a tree landed on his car. Yeah, a tree landed on his car, yeah. And so he came after, people thought he was going to die. And so fair play, he sorted his shit out and he got back on a low, he started doing it again. But it was so distracting from that point on to see Rene,

but with like this fault line down the middle of his head and one eye slightly off to the side. It's like, oh, I can't, I, well done, mate, but, oh, it's all, it's,

oh. Anyway. Have we played this song yet? Should we just do it now? Play this now, their version of, uh, J'étais.

So, René and Yvette doing J'étais. Here we go, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Yvette, Rene, in the broom cupboard. Je t'aime. I beg your pardon?

Je t'aime. Say it in French. I love you. I understand. I have not yet touched you. It is the handle of the vacuum cleaner. Oh me, kiss me, do all those things that drive me wild with desire. There is not room to do all those things that drive you wild with desire. I do some of those things. Have I missed anything? I do not think so.

Somebody help me. I am so sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry.

I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry. I am drive you wild with desire. I do some of those things.

Have I missed anything? I do not think so. Somebody is coming. Who cares? I think it is your bad. I will meet you in the larder next to the tree. Chateau. It's waving.

It's exactly what you think. That's hard to get through, Paul. That is hard to get through. Better or worse than the Frankie Howard take? Much worse. Yeah. The Frankie Howard take, it's basically saying the same thing, isn't it? Because he's exhausted and he doesn't want to do it.

They try and get that in here, don't they? Trying to make every joke about her being over-amorous. But then they put in all of this very poor sort of soundtrack, falling down the stairs boy on the line sort of um all sorts of joke shop sound effects whatever you want to call it cartoon sound effects to add something but it doesn't work it doesn't work but the thing is is that fundamentally for me it doesn't work what it should be is like renee and his wife and she's coming on to him in bed and he's like oh i don't want to do it i don't want to do it maybe they

could run off and have him go to Yvette for a bit in the song. Because his wife wasn't the star character. Yvette was the star. No. Well, it was more his show. And everyone else danced around him. But she was the main love interest. And the wife was the old ugly harpy.

Yeah. Anyway, I think that's an awful take on it. Because it's... Oh, it's terrible. Oh, we should mention the actual interesting thing about this song. Yeah, go for it. That's what I'm saying. So I noticed that there is a musician called Pete Wingfield

playing the keyboard on this track. Right. Pete Wingfield had a minor hit in 1975 with his song 18 with a bullet. 18 with a bullet, which I thought it's a do-wop pastiche isn't it early rock and roll pastiche song

because it's what mid 70s it was released 75 so yeah it would have been just around the same time as Shannon R and Shawody Woddy

all of that sort of 50s do-wop faux do-wop revival stuff yeah you know what I mean but he uses metaphors from

the music industry and the record industry yeah to tell a love story which is really nice which is brilliant the amount of different things he says you know

we're going to move up the charts and then we're going to raise instead of raise a family he says we're going to raise an LP do you see what I mean it's all those kind of metaphors I just think it's a really nice song and I'm sure it was used by Tarantino

I don't know I'm just looking at his career now because sadly it's like really nice song and I'm sure it was used by Tarantino. I don't know. I'm just looking at his career now because sadly it's like one minute you're releasing songs and the next minute you're backing up Rene from fucking Alo Alo for his year 10. Yeah, it was a gig, isn't it?

I mean, he was... And they have the cheek to say that she's playing the keyboard at the end. Have you noticed that as well? Yeah. Oh, you're very good. Yeah, but that's meant to be a gag, isn't it? She's been playing the piano the whole way.

So, 69, Wingfield sang keyboards, sang keyboards? No, played keyboards and sang on Jellybread's first Slice album. I think they were like a prog rock group, maybe. Blah, blah, blah. 71, he played the piano on the BB King in a London album. Oh, that is, that's a classic album. That is a brilliant album. Wingfield played keyboards on Bryn Howellworth's 74 album,

Let the Days Go By and Sunny Side of the Street. Anyway, Wingfield, 18 with a bullet. Wingfield first hit the singles chart on both sides of the Atlantic in 75. Both sides. 18 with a bullet. A pastiche do-op number involving word plays, as we discussed, blah, blah, blah. It entered the Billboard chart 100 on the 23rd of August, 1975. It was 22 weeks there.

It only got up to 18. That's interesting, isn't it? 18. It charged at 18. With a bullet. The song peaked at number 15 a week later. It also reached number 7 in the UK charts. And it was used in the Soundtracks 1998 film, Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels.

Ah, that's my confusion. Not Tarantino at all. And then he went on to work with Dexys, Midnight Runners and Paul McCartney, playing piano on some of the songs there and the awesome Alan Parsons rhythm section. In 77... Parsons, it's Parsons. Alan Parsons. In 77, he wrote Making a Good Thing Better,

which appeared on Olivia Newton-John's album of the same name. In 78, he wrote an amusing cult dance hit for Patti LaBelle entitled Eyes in the Back of My Head. Ooh. Featured on her Tasty album. When's that? In the 80s? That is 78.

That might be. Did you say novelty? Amusing cult dance hit for Patti LaBelle. I've got to check that out. He produced Searching for Young Soul Rebels, the first Dexys album. He teamed up with film producer Mel Brooks and co-wrote the songs It's Good to Be the king and to be or not to be for um we've covered that

on yeah as before where he did the rap rap yeah hit the rap uh in 1985 he produced cane gang's debut album bad and lowdown world of cane gang and then went on to help the produce uh the proclaimers hit the top 20 with i'm gonna Be on their album Shun San and Heath. He's been everywhere, Wingfield. He's also played on sessions for the House Martins Beautiful South,

Van Morrison interview, Jimmy Witherspoon, Freddie King, Paul McCartney on his album Run Devil Run. So he's been banging around. I played that on my Soho radio show the other day.

And yet nowhere in his Wikipedia things did it mention that. And I don't blame him. This is a low point for Wingfield. That was when he was like, I'm not doing anything Sunday afternoon. Yeah, I'll come in things it mentioned that. And I don't blame him. This is a low point for Wingfield. That was when he was like, I'm not doing anything Sunday afternoon. Yeah, I'll come in and fucking do that. I'll do the bloody keyboard.

So quickly, let's put in the B-side to this. Because the B-side ties back to what we were beginning to talk about at the first song tonight. Yes. It's called, how do you like it, Tia? Rene DMC. Do you see? It's a wordplay.

Do you see? It's a very bad wordplay. Well, I'm here in my cafe all by myself Getting a drink down from the shelf It is closing time, the place is shut And I've been working off my butt Hiding airmen from the uns Not to mention dynamite and guns

My life is in jeopardy each day When will these Germans go away? Hello, Annette! Hello, Yvette! Are you not going to bed just yet? Well, if I do, I will not sleep There's a noisy band out in the street Playing some new marching tune It's about to make me go bananas soon The band you hear out in the street

Is playing the very latest beat Let's move the chairs and the dining table So we can dance That's impossible Shut up out there It's time you were stopping René, please let's do hip-hopping Hopping?

What are you saying? Now follow me What are they playing? The waltzing's all I've ever done Well, try this dance. You'll have some fun. But to do a waltz is one, two, three. This dance is much too hard for me.

Now hold me tight and let me lead. We can't do waltzing at this speed. Follow me. So, this goes to something that we've noticed a trend of. It is British novelty songs that are rap in genre but spend the rap as a novelty as the the novelty bit is the is that it's rap is it is it's right is that someone who shouldn't be doing rap is doing rap and also the idea that the content of said rap has to be very derogatory towards rap well i hadn't noticed this before but yes you listen to snot rap you

listen to this the rap where it's like I do not like this stupid word is it time I ever heard or it's just like because I think they saw rap as almost being not music or sort of then

everyone thought it was a thing that would sort of pass to what we would say now is other yes you know to the mainstream rap was the other

to the mainstream it was pure novelty that's how it's treated by the mainstream even like you know Morris Minor and the Majors use that rap form

but they also kind of subvert it yeah and take the piss it's like every single fucking novelty song that comes out

that's a British comedy artist doing a rap has to say the idea of rap is shit and why are we doing this and would you say American novelty

comedy rap records don't suffer from that I don't believe like the Rodney Dangerfield one we did goes hey what are you doing this? And would you say American novelty comedy rap records don't suffer from that? I don't believe like the Rodney Dangerfield one we did goes, hey, what you doing? I'm rapping. No, he just goes for it.

Hey, I'm rapping here. I mean, it works with him totally because it's like the one-liner, the structure of a one-liner works with rap, doesn't it? It doesn't make it a particularly better thing

to listen to because it's still quite torturous but I'd rather have that than Rene fucking DMC. No, it's so bad and they try every joke every audio joke you know like that you've been playing the piano i'm sure if we go back over the past 200 episodes or so and look at all the songs that have featured british artists doing rap on a b side that's maybe the a side or potentially as well they're all almost exactly the same in content

and structure terrible also you what you didn't get, which any of these records, which I thought was going to rear its ugly head, is the Ah Yeah sample. Ah Yeah. That could have been on that, couldn't it? It's too early. This is 86.

When did the Ah Yeah was 87? 86 was this one. And Rapping was, I think, 83, 84. And the... And Snot Rap would have been early 80s as well. And I don't think the A New World, the Youth Hostel Association was going to... You wouldn't get oh yeah

oh yeah that is a truly horrendous and trope let's let's go over the tropes again yeah comedy rap yeah um spoof pastiche of old standard spoof pastiche of old standard falling down the stairs joke well that's not really a trope in music how many songs have had people falling down the stairs you have to at least say it doesn't tick the trope box of just throwing away the B-side and being a meta joke about B-sides. No. Because it is a totally different song.

You've got to hand that to them. No, but... It's another song. I still think they saw it as a toss-off. I don't know what they saw it as, because it sucked. That is a splatter, but it's a splatter with merit, because it belongs here. It belongs here, but I did not enjoy it.

Both sides are arduous. I actually enjoyed the journey that Enter the Adventure brought me on. It brought me off. Is that your favourite of all three? My pick of this week's splatters, Paul, is definitely A New World from the Sorrel International

film Enter the Adventure, Mark Burdett's star of BBC's TV's Great Show. I also agree with you. Which one of these two would you like stuck up your arsehole? Oh, it's hard because I hate them both. But if you had to have one in your arsehole, which one would it be? Why would it have to be in my arsehole?

That's how we're in the segment. I'm going to put one of these up your arsehole. Are you really? Or I'm going to swipe it like a card. Beep. And your arse crack. Why? Beep. Which one? Rolling Stones? No going to swipe it like a card. Beep. And your arse crack. Why? Beep.

Which one? Rolling Stones? No, but which one? I don't know what. Do I hate the one I'm putting in my arsehole?

Do I like it better or what goes? Fucking mint. It's not mint anymore, is it? It's not mint on card now.

Fuck me. Right. Which one's up your arse? Say which one I hate the most. Yeah, which one you hate the most

goes up your arse? The Rene and Yvette. Right, well I'm going to end this segment by putting this record up Eli's arse.

Choff me spot off to me. Fuck off. Choff me spot off to There's still something. Choff me spot off. I'd like to apologise everybody this week.

Paul had a birthday yesterday and he's trying to ride on the birthday tales to get away with being very incompetent and not even up to our usual bottom-of-the-barrel standard this week. He said Choffney Spodoff hundreds of times.

To me. And he's saying happy birthday again. Choffney Spodoff. This has been a successful episode of Cheap Show. No, it hasn't. First stop, let's do this. Suck my dick. And that's it.

That's Cheap Show this week. Thank you very much for joining us. Are you okay now? No, I'm not fine. You're not okay. Thank you. I'll do this bit. I'm four sheets to the wind. I'll do this bit. I'm four sheets to the wind.

I'll do this bit. All right. Thank you, everybody, for tuning in again to Cheap Show this week. I'm drunk, but I could easily do the admin. He's sober, and he's going to fuck this up. No, I'm just going to turn to you. We're going to do this together, Paul, because we're a team. All right.

Okay? So I'll do it. I'll do everything, and you give the details. That's all you have to do. Did you ever know that you're my hero? You just do the details. Thank you for tuning in, everybody. This has been Cheap Show.

We're here every week. And a special thank you goes out to our patrons. If you'd like to support what we do here at Cheap Show, you too can give a little or a lot or however much you like by going to thecheapshow.co.uk. That's not right. Oh, fuck's sake. Do it again.

Give me the lead. And again, you fucked it up. If you'd like to support Cheap Show by becoming a patron and you get all sorts of extra footage. For example, we did a video of the crisp tasting today. Very amusing. If you do want to become a patron and look at those extras or whatever, go to thepatreon.smed I do it, I do it.

Patreon.com forward slash Cheap Show. We are on all sorts of social media, especially Twitter. The pod itself can be found at... At the Cheap Show pod. I'm at Paul Gannon's show and Eli is... Eli Snoid, which is spelled E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. Now, we have episode 200 coming up real soon. We are looking for Tales from the Shop Floors.

If you've got anything that you think is spicy and you've been sitting on it, send it to us, thecheapshow at gmail.com or anything you like. Something you think is spicy and you've been sitting on it. Did you say that? Did you say something like I've been sitting on something hot and spicy for a while? For how long? Like incubating it?

Just kind of grinding on it for a bit. Like eggs. Are there eggs in it? Yeah. Is it like a gravy with eggs in? Imagine. And little dinosaurs come out.

Gravy dinosaurs. Okay, imagine like a long tube full of like salmon eggs, right? Yeah. And the tube is made of like a kind of weak,

like a weak sausage skin. A tranche of eggs. And that is inserted up the bottom. What? Whose? Yours. Could be yours, could be mine. Could be yours. Could we get a baster sausage skin and that is inserted up the bottom what who's yours could be yours

could be mine could be yours could we get a a baster two pronged baster and we'll just ease our way onto it again until our bottoms

meet in the middle double end baster that's not happening oh it's not happening now I'm getting into that I don't want it you're allergic to fish how's it going to be

on the rear end you said salmon eggs well the arsehole's not is that your arsehole going to get inflamed? I don't know if my arsehole is allergic to fish. I don't know.

That's good. That's it. We've peaked with that sentence. So yeah, email us about anything you want. Thecheapshow

at gmail.com. The 200th episode will be live on Twitch on the 9th of October in the evening UK time 8pm. We have no idea

what it's going to be like yet but we are working on it. We're going to do a little plan today. No we're not. We're going to go to the park and you're going to suck me off. Suck my Chudney Boruck off. I am Chudney Boruck. I've got a tail. This is it. This is flossing.

I am Chudney Boruck and I am looking very pale. I am Chudney Boruck. I've smoth tail. This is it. This is lost it. I am Chodney Boruck and I am looking very pale. I am Chodney Boruck. I've just moth my chod right off. I come round here, come down there, go round here. I just thought if I let him wait. If I just thought if I wait. He's got a red knit Charlie. He calls him

Mr. Pat. He's got a red knit Charlie. What do you think of that? Do you want to carry on? He's got a red-nit Charlie. What do you think of that? Do you want to carry on? He's got eyes all up his head. He's got a silly nose. At some point, he will realise he's doing My Dad's Got Cancer

from Derek and Clive and then we can end. Until then. I've realised now. Yeah, you've just realised. That's it for now, ladies and gentlemen. Bye, everyone.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.