CheapShow - Ep 197: Tough Luck!

Episode Date: September 25, 2020

Another week, another box of crisps to wade through, and this week, they have been sent to us from Australia! Which is nice. What this ultimately means is that Eli will attempt an Australian accent for most of this taste test. It will definitely test Paul's patience, that's for sure. However, this delightful wander through the snack pastures of Down Under will be ruined by a Gannon's Golden Games, that is, quite frankly, a let down. How much of a let down? Well the most exciting thing that happens is when Paul nearly throws the whole game in to jeopardy before they can even begin! At least it gives them both a chance to play with their balls beforehand. It's another "common or garden" s***show! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-197-tough-luck If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Podbible Interview: https://podbiblemag.com/2020/06/12/a-special-cheapshow-celebration/ MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Paul is writing a book! Want to help make it happen? https://unbound.com/books/ghosts/

Go on. One, two, hello, here it is. And here I am, and just to say how much I really do. And then, going where I do not know. Who are you? He's got his face on. Have we started? We have started. Hello, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast for your ears, where we go for the bargain bins, the charity shops, and rummage sales. Oh, rummage the rabbit. Rummage, the bargain bins, the charity shops, and rummage sales. Oh, rummage the rabbit. Rummage, rummage. Get your fingers in a rummage.

No. Get your fingers in a rummage. I won't accept it, actually, Paul. What? Accept what? This. The cognification of our podcast. The cognification.

Yes. That sounds like an album from the 90s. The cognification of Cheap Show. Well, there's the title of this episode sorted, then. No, it won't be though, will it? Because someone's going to go say something about a dick later in the episode. You'll go, oh, the spunky monkey

or something. I'm going to call this Spodry... Hello, everybody. Eli Silverman here. What I meant to say is, didn't we have a character, Ramage Rabbit? Ramage Rabbit, yeah. No, Ramage Rabbit. And it was a pirate, I think.

I don't know. Fuck that. Fuck it. Rummage sales. Come on, I'm supporting you now. Sorry about that. So we go to the bargain bins, the charity shops, and we're at rummage sales of the world

and bring you back the treasure we find amongst the trash. Amongst the trash. It really is that simple a format of a podcast. And we welcome you to... Oh! What do you mean, oh? All of a sudden, the enthusiasm for this recording dropped out of me. No, it always happens at the beginning, doesn't it?

You think, I'll do something, and then it's just the same old tired spunk joke. We should do cold. At the end of the day. Should we carry on doing cold opens? No, what's a hot opening? I'm asking for it. I'll give you a nice hot opening. Do you know what I did there?

I was going to say, what's a hot open? But in my mind, I thought opening sounds more ambiguous. But I still found the way in. I got a little rummage in your hot opening. Have a little rummage in your hot opening. It's like the mouth of hell. Welcome to Cheap Show. I hate you

and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap Show. cheap show you're gonna have to learn to fucking accept cheap show cheap show it's the price of shite Paul Gannon

Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheat Show And I go and I nuzzle You love it, don't you? I love this podcast and I love you Okay, thanks Paul My pod partner We've been together five years.

I'm going to get all bashful now. His favourite colour's blue. It is. He likes joshing off to Japanese porn specifically. Fuck off! What? You like it, don't you? My first love was a lady of Japan.

Okay, well, I'm going to move on. No, haven't we been there? Yeah, we have. Let's not go back. There's nothing wrong with it, Paul. What are you trying to say? I just don't want to talk about your mucky, dirty love life. Well, you brought it up.

Did I? You like German umlauters. What's that? That's your porn. German mass umlauter. Hang on, an umlaut, isn't that the kind of weird dots that go above a U or an O? That's an umlaut. Umlaut umlauter. on an umlaut isn't that the kind of weird dots that go above a U or an O that's umlaut umlaut umlaut

is that a new character basically milk jugs filled with spunk dirty German men in the pantry of some sort a tiled pantry

with cold sweaty tiles now I need to just stop you here and say men teutonically grunting

as they unload into a milk carton. And then the umlautomade comes in. Ela. She's wheeled in. I just want to know the link to this video. What video? The one you're describing so accurately and vividly. It's simply an amalgamation of all the titbits I picked up from your data trail.

Oh, my data trail's titbits. Yes. Professor. I've lost it. What are we doing on the show today? titbits I picked up from your data trail. Oh, my data trail's titbits. I've lost it. What are we doing on the show today? Well, today on the show, we are going yet again into the world of cheap eats because we were given a load last week that we were meant to do. Now I forgot the letter, so we're doing it now. I remember. But these are Australian crisp snacks and we have a lot to get

through, so we're doing that. That's from a lovely chap in Australia called Jack. Jack Earth is his name. Earth? Earth. As in the earth revolves around the sun? No, it was a crap gag to Jack off.

What's Earth? I also nicked off. What's he called? What's he called? Oh, Jack Earth. Off on the hour. Jack Earth. Hello, I'm Jack Earth.

I literally just said I've ripped that gag off. Don't go any further with it. Hello. Oh, I twiddled my moustache. He's got to go ahead. I would like a dry martini. Ladies and gentlemen, Jack Earth. My name? My name?

Stolen character. It's funny you ask that. Because I am Jack. Mr. Jack Earth. You're just having your own little fun time, aren't you, over there? I twiddled my moustache and leave. He's gone. Honestly, you're the Peter Sellers of Cheap Show, aren't you? Yeah. In I twiddled my mustache and leave. He's gone. Honestly, you're the Peter Sellers of Cheap Show,

aren't you? Yeah. In that you're abusive to me off camera. Right, so are we going to move on to that? And then we've got a Ganon's Golden Games. Now, it's not the one I had planned, because I still yet to get the extra parts for it, but what I found in a charity shop was interesting and we'll go into that when we play

a little bit later. I'm certainly intrigued by it, Paul. Whether it makes for good podcast content, I just do not know. But let's roll the dice on it. You do know. I don't. It won't. It won't be. None of this is.

None of this is worth anything. Mate, quiet! If you'd known, imagine there was a British man who was called Jack Earth. Then it sounds a bit like... I don't know. I preferred the French character. What about the New Zealand character? Yeah.

Jacket! So now Eli's going around the world as Axton. I'm losing it. Give you crisps! I'm losing it. I've got that feeling. You know that feeling where you think,

oh, I'm doing a bit, it's quite amusing, and then, oh, it all drops out. Do you know what I mean? The enthusiasm for it. It's my creative trap door. It's just,

I'm standing over it and every now and then it's like, whoa! Into a great big mound of inflatable dog toys. Is there any new sort of outside of this segment

we can do? Hey, I tell you what, we can talk about a couple of things from last week. Oh yes, the little catch up on the splatters.

Yeah, the guy who did the music for Enter the Adventure, A New World, the youth hostel song. Someone on Twitter pointed out that guy. The guy with the hair like Ken. Yeah, the guy who looks like everyone's dad. Yeah, but with plastic hair. He did the music for Treasure Hunt.

Helmet hair, man. Should we call him that? No, because neither of us can remember his name, can we? Insert it here. Edit it here. I think it's Jack, actually. Is it? Jack is... I don't know.

I think it is Jack. Okay. Is it? Jack is... I don't know. I think it is Jack. Okay. Right, found the tweet. Ms. Lee Spence on Twitter got in touch to say, Oh, you fucking app bastard! It literally refreshed and I lost the tweet. Oh, you fucking app bastard! Right.

We're having a Luddite moment here. I went to click on the thing and then I went back on it. It went, oh, I'll refresh it for you. Eli app. Found it. Oh, I'll refresh it for you. Eli up. Found it. Good. So they sent us a tweet on Twitter and it says, I need to mention that the Zach Lawrence mentioned as writing a new world.

Zach. Zach. Zach. Almost. That was close. Zach Earth. Maybe he's, yes. No.

No. So. Zach Lawrence. Who we mentioned as writing a new world is the same one who wrote the themes for treasure hunt and the crystal maze now and we're solely responsible for the b-side his library music album called new prospects is brilliant oh and uh he's done library music that's it it had some sort of quality to it i thought even though you didn't include it in the end but it's got that um kind of electronic bit, bit, bit, bit, bit,

kind of electronic beat to the music that it shares with Treasure Hunt and the Crystal Maze. Now, how did the Crystal Maze go? Duh. How'd it go?

Duh. Hang on. Duh. Let me start you off by this, doing this, Paul. Duh. That doesn't work. You're just going

duh, raising your hand up to your chin. Come on. No, you're getting it. I'm conducting you like you're the orchestra. Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh. Oh, no, that's actually Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, your chin. Come on, no, you're getting it. I'm conducting you. Like you're the orchestra. Oh no, that's actually... It goes...

Hang on. Treasure Hunt theme. Now you're thinking of Crystal Maze. That's what you were doing. Oh yeah, by Zach Lawrence. It's called Peak Performance, that track. Treasure Hunt. Yeah, hang on. Oh, fucking... You app bastard!

Ads, you'll get ads. You'll just get a bunch of ads when you try... Here we go. Hang on. Oh, fucking... You... App bastard! Ads. You'll get ads. You'll just get a bunch of ads when you try... Here we go. Here we go. I don't remember it. Come and have a treasure hunt. We're going on a treasure hunt.

You'd like to have a treasure hunt. So get your treasure map out now. Is that how the lyrics went? Oh, biscuits! Biscuits! I thought I had a really good... Oh, we're going on a treasure hunt. Going on a treasure hunt. We're going on a treasure hunt. We're going on a treasure hunt.

We're going on a treasure hunt right now. Okay, that's the treasure hunt theme. And then Crystal Maze. Goes da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. Yes, I remember that. Here we go. The Crystal Maze theme. Crystal Maze.

Let's go. Play the Crystal Maze. Let's go Play the crystal maze Let's go to the Zones One zone And two zones And then the fan will blow We'll go to

Industrial zone Get a crystal The fan will blow Put your feet on the gold ones Before the fan starts I was wondering where you were going Put your feet on the gold ones before the fan starts. I was wondering where you were going. Eli is off his tits.

He's lost his mind. Oh, Eli is fucked. Eli is fucked. Eli is fucked. Oh, he is so fucked. His life is so fucked. He's fucked. That look you gave me, Paul, man. It was like...

It was confusement. It was confusement. Okay, so he did those. Yes. But not mentioned on the Wikipedia page. Oh, not the one I saw. Certainly I didn't scroll down far enough to find. But yeah, we should find his album somewhere,

New Prospects, and see what it's on What it's like Yes I would be interested To hear that His library music album There's a website as well I'll retweet it But there's a website Where a lot of his anthology work

Is contained on that website It's at universalmusic.com Or something And also Whilst we're on the subject Of A New Adventure Or whatever it's called Yeah

We have to point out The extremely weird coincidence Oh yeah Which we didn't pick up on the time no on at the time because the other record we reviewed was a version of Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Birkin's Jetem and in the video for a new adventure of Mark Burdice yes he is wearing a t-shirt yes it says Jetem on it which was most bizarre thing. The weird thing with the Elvis as well. Yeah. There was a lot of wheels within wheels last week.

It was a splatter. It was a splatter within a splatter. Yeah, like a whirlpool in a disco swirling round the monkey bar in a house made out of cabris and a wonderful fat car. It's like a little windmill with arms that reach out far.

You can't go in my house. Get out of my house. He's taking the look again. He's doing that look. It's like a little naughty fat kid. Sorry. Puppy fat. Is that what they call it?

Eli's gone. Right, so let's just crack on with this podcast. Let's have fun. Right, straight into it. We are doing the crisps postponed from last week to this week. It's nice to see the league.

Can I just say, Paul, it is nice to see the league of snacks and crisps. Finally, it's out there now. Yes, it's out there now. There are pictures on our website where you can view. There's people who have disagreements

but they don't have the scientific method to back them up. They have their own biases. Yes. Baggage. And they do not have a whole method to bake them up. They don't have... They have their own biases. Yes. Baggage. And they do not have a whole underground complex of snack and crisp experts working out the details behind this.

Don't look at me. You're doing it again. What? It's just because you're doing this weird gany thing where you start a sentence and you're reasonably sure what the first few words are. But then at the end You're like Dunno

I've gone too far This sentence This should have stopped by now This sentence Sorry I will I'm not going to say anything Okay how about that

Alright You take over Paul Well do you want to read the letter For a change Sure I'll read it Because I always read the letters out We've been sent The upshot is

We've been sent Some Australian snack products Yeah in the PO box We've got some great stuff Tons of bloody food All those crisps we did last time. Just a quick mention on the League of Snacks though. Yeah, I thought we had done

those XL cheese crisps. No, we tasted them on an episode of Digitizer. Did we do it on the pod? I'm sure we did it on the pod. We don't. Did Dan do that on the pod? I think we did do that on the pod. We ain't gone down to do that on the pod. I think we did do it on the pod.

No. You had what? I think we did do that on the pod. We ain't gone down to do that on the pod. I think we did do it on the pod. Oh, I had a... No. Right. You had what? I thought of a new business for Leaky Ken. Right, we're moving on. You're right.

You were right to stop. And I was wrong to carry on with that line of inquiry. Right, there was a letter here, Paul. Yeah. We've got serious business. Yeah. Okay? Yes. This is from Australia.

Should I do it in Australian accent? Yeah, please do, because that will be painful for everyone. Yes. Okay. Gives a nice flavour, though. Now, as this person, Jack, who has written to us and sent us these, describes them, there's a description here I can see. Will you just take them out so we've got them ready?

All right, Paul? G'day, Paul and Eli. G'day. Eli. G'day. Hope you both are doing alright. We're doing alright. I've sent you a box full of Australian cheap eats, including a mix of potato chips and

chocolate biscuits. Chocolate biscuits. Shut up, Paul. Alright? Shut up in your face. Now, it's written here, shut up, Paul. It's not me. Yeah, that's right.

I've read the letter. I know it's not in there, so don't fuck with me. I wasn't sure if you were still recording the podcast on Zoom. Zoom. So I've included two packs of each flavour of chips where I could, so that both of you could taste them. Nice. Thanks, then. It was a big box

of snacks, so thank you very much. We've only got one example here with us, because we're doing it in the same room, Jack. Yeah, we're in the same room, Jack. Okay. Thank're in the same room, Jack. Okay, thank you. He's had some foresight, unlike some other people I know. Would you like a tickle? Here's a description of what... Shut up, mate.

Mate? Mate? Here's a description of what's in the box, all right? Oh, fair dinkum. I hate... Oh, sorry. Sorry, Gary. I'm going to keep this up, because I'm a fucking professional throughout the whole letter.

All right. Even though it probably is the worst Australian accent of all time. Go on. Firstly, Smiths. Smiths. I'm pretty sure these chips, they must call them that. They must call them chips. Like Americans do.

You know what? I'm not going to do the accent no more. Well, you should stop because you're putting me off with your silly interjections. You're putting me off. You're putting me off, yeah. I'm pulling you off. You're not pulling me off now, but you will be later. Pulling your pudding off.

You'll be pulling my pudding through a ring piece. Pulling my pudding through a ring piece? What's this? Can you shut up? Go on. Paul, honestly, shut up. Weird, you've lost it now. G'day.

G'day. Smiths, I'm pretty sure these chips are'day. G'day. Smith's. I'm pretty sure these chips are made by the same company that makes Walkers, so I'm sure they taste pretty similar, but the packet colours are different. Interesting. In a previous episode of the podcast, Eli guessed that the salt and vinegar packets may have been pink

because of the colour of Himalayan salt, but I don't think that's true. It's as good a theory as any. I know, but it wouldn't, Himalayan salt. Are you going to talk to me true. It's as good a theory as any. I know, but it wouldn't... Himalayan salt... Are you going to talk to me like that? I am in the voice of the letter, yeah. Paul, Eli here.

Which... Himalayan salt hasn't been around as long as Smith, so you wouldn't, you know, even in Australia, so you wouldn't have thought so, would you? It was just something I said at the time that just popped to the top of my head, but I don't think that's true about the Himalayan salt thing. Regular table salt is far more common here,

and I reckon that Carla was picked at random. I've included four flavours of the Smith's chips, original, usually called just plain chips. These are ready salted chips. Yeah, ready salted. Salt and vinegar, chicken, and cheese and onion. Cheese and onion. Smith's also make a barbecue flavour,

and I've always thought they were more popular than cheese and onion, but you're more likely to find cheese and onion chips in multi-packs than barbecue. Oh, that's an interesting theory. Back to Eli's sober voice for a second here. Great, thanks. Now, these are... I've got a few things to say about that bit of the letter. Go on.

Smith's was what became Walker's here as well. Well, here's the thing, though. But they kept the Smith's branding. This company's owned by... It's Lay's, isn't it? No, this is owned by PepsiCo. Oh, but that's Lay's. It's PepsiCo.

The PepsiCo group of companies used in Australia under license. So does PepsiCo own Lay's? I believe they do, yeah. There's only about four companies that own all of these brands. List of assets owned by PepsiCo. Yeah, Quaker, coffee, energy drinks, cereal, other rice snacks, snacks, Doritos, Frito-Lay, Funyuns, Lay's.

Okay, we need no more. I'm going down to Smith's. It doesn't say Smith's on here, but then... Smith's is... You don't need to know more. You know what I mean? It's all one thing. I just wanted to double check.

Interestingly, if these are standard, as he calls them, chips, these are ridged. And that must be just the standard. I actually didn't even notice that until just then. And look how weird. It's just like the Mirror World stuff. The chicken flavour in a green packet. Yeah.

Doesn't that just mean... Salt and vinegar in pink. Oh, it's weird. It's making me like I'm in a dream. Do you think the pink's because, like, vinegar? Because look, it's got a little pot of vinegar on the package to make you go, oh, vinegar. It's not pink. Vinegar's not pink. It's brown me like I'm in a dream. Do you think the pink's because, like, vinegar? So it's like, because look, it's got a little pot of vinegar on the package to make you go, oh, vinegar. It's not pink. Vinegar's not pink.

It's brown and tea fruit. But I'm wondering if it's going with that kind of purpley or top-notch sound. Cheese and onions. Yellow. It's yellow. Fine. What's there? Where's the onion?

It looks just like cheese, doesn't it? Yeah, but there's an onion. And onions, you could say are yellow. Interesting, because they kept with the Smithith's branding obviously in australia but it was phased out here apart from in certain heritage brands like the triumvirate of snacks for example exactly and salt and shake smith's salt and shake still has a smith's branding does it or did we find it wasn't even there it's gone now no i think it was smith's oh i wish i remembered my own show it's gone now it's gone now i think smith's isn't even mentioned on the salt and shake anymore.

Should we just test these then? Is that the last of the paragraph? Should we just eat them? Okay, should we do it that way and then we'll go back? We'll go with the original. You start with the original. Let's see how it goes. Now, these aren't going to be added to the league.

These are just for our delectation and discussion. These are blue in exactly the same colour as a packet of cheese and onion would be here, right? It's got a definite different hoof to a... Really? Yeah, but in that nice kind of cheap... You know what I mean? When you get cheap, ready-salted crisps, there's that kind of nice smell,

almost buttery smell. Yes, it's a softer smell, and it's sort of that potato mash, sort of. Do you know what I mean? It's the smell of potato flour. Well, these are ridged, so, you know... Are they formed? No, they're...

No, yeah, they're cut. Right. That's nice. Very nice. The ridges add, don't formed? No, they're cut. That's nice. Very nice. The ridges add, don't they? They aerate the air. Ridges. It delivers the flavour.

Yeah, there's more surface area. I thought it was just a... Well, there is a little bit, but I thought it was just aesthetical rather than... No, it's a textural thing. And it's a delivery of the flavour of the crisp. It gives it a bigger crunch.

And there's more crunch. And the air. It aerates the whole thing, so it's lighter. I think they taste the same as the crisp. It gives it a bigger crunch. And there's more crunch. And the air, it aerates the whole thing, so it's lighter. I think they taste the same as the original. Totally the same. But the ridge does make a more satisfying snack out of it, weirdly. Weird. I'll now open the chicken.

Always going straight for chicken in a green bag. Why would you even call it green? This is what they'd call roast chicken, which has an orange packet in the UK. Maybe they give it the green for the herbs. Oh, exactly, that smell. It is the classic roast chicken flavour smell. With a little bit of Paxo. You can smell the Paxo, the herbs. It's like a chicken gravy

sort of smell, isn't it? Chicken gravy! They're much closer to an onion flavour, aren't they? Very onion. I don't like that. Very onion-y. Now, this is a? That's very onion. I don't like that. Very oniony. Now, this is a difference, Paul. Yeah. You've identified a divergence from... This is not like a chicken, a roast chicken flavoured UK walkers.

It's more herby. Yeah. Oniony. I don't like it. You don't like it? No. Stronger, sort of. Sweeter.

The word I'd like to use is pungent. Almost pungent. Yeah. Interesting. Right. Cheese and onion. I wonder if to use is pungent. Almost pungent. Yeah, interesting. Right, cheese and onion. I wonder if they're all going to divert because that, I mean, the ready salted,

you'd expect that to be exactly the same because it's just ready salted. What, there's the onion. Cheese and onion. Smell it. Just smell it. Tell me what you think. Salt and vinegar.

Salt and vinegar. It smells of salt and vinegar. Right, that's so weird. It could be vinegary cheese and onion. I'm going to find out now. No. Sharper. A little bit sharper, but like, I don't know why it smellsgary cheese and onion. I'm going to find out now. No. Sharper. A little bit sharper, but like...

I don't know why it smells of salt and vinegar. You can smell the salt and vinegar. Perhaps the person who put the chips in that packet had been handling some salt and vinegar. Like, had been on lunch and been to the chip shop or something. Do you have no idea how crisps are made? Do you think a man with a bag full of crisps scattered them? It's the crisp stuffer.

Here comes the crisp stuffer. No, do you imagine a man walks up and down a factory line with a magic bag sack of crisps, and he scatters them into smaller bags? Another difference, Paul. Oh, he's going right back to work. I was going to chase that up because I thought it was nonsensical. It was claptrap.

It was claptrap. There's no picture of vinegar on British salt and vinegar crisps. Absolute tongue shittage coming out of your gobble. No. Well, at least I've calmed down. I don't know what I like more.

Calm Eli or utter bonkers bastard Eli. Paul. Because both of them give me a fucking big chub. Paul. This is a strange illustration of salt and vinegar on these pink, bizarrely pink Australian

salt and vinegar. A small glass. Is that what's on? Bowl of vinegar. There's no pictures on Walkers anymore of the product itself. Right, I'm going to half these. That's definitely salt and vinegar half on that. Why are you doing an impression of fucking Mick Jagger?

Because, you know. No. No. Listen, Paul. And I'll do David Bowie. It went up my nose, man. David Bowie. Oh, yes, that's very much

atypical. Shut up, God. Scent of crisp. Here we go. Nice. Very nice. Not too sharp. Again, I think it's

the ridges that sort of soften it. Talking to the mic, because that helps. It's the ridges that sort of soften it talking to the mic because that helps it's the ridges that sort of soften it people hear your voice soften the flavour of it

don't they yeah weirdly the chicken one was too potent to me that was the one that diverted the most from the flavour we're used to

interesting shall we move on we'll move on next chapter thank you excellent start alright now we're moving on

to Red Rock Deli Red Rock Deli these crisps here. These chips are a bit fancier than the Smith's chips. They do look fancy. And I think they're more of a kettle style crisp. Again, I've included four flavours. Sea salt, sea salt and balsamic vinegar,

sweet chilli, and sour cream and honey soy chicken. Woo. The honey soy chicken chips are my favourite of the range. What did you say The honey soy chicken chips are my favourite of the range. All right. What did you say? The honey soy chips are the favourite of my range.

Oh, right. Good. All I hear was meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, range. They could also make a lime and black pepper flavour that I haven't included. They also do make that, I mean. It says here deli style potato chip. What does that mean, deli style? Like you'd get in a deli?

Do you buy chips or crisps from a deli? No, but let's say you go to a lovely deli and they do fresh cut sandwiches. And then, you know, you get a sandwich and they put like a little flag on a stick. A little bit of crisps on it? Stick on it. And then they'll give you some potato chips on the side and they'll be all nice and like artisanal. You know? Do you know what I'm getting at?

Let me read this. That's a deli style. I know what he meant. Shut your mouth. Red Rock Deli. We begin with the finest potatoes harvested from Australian farms, roughly cut and slow cooked in sunflower oil. Who do they get to roughly cut it?

Is he like the potato butcher who comes in and goes, I'm going to handle you badly and treat you bad, Spud. Here we go. I'm going to cut you roughly. I run across the room and fucking chop you all over the place Raffly chop you

I'll raff you up mate Oh don't you chop me up Mr Chip Butcher I'm just a little potato He's a little sentient Spad

and I'm in love with him Remember those adverts of the 80s with those spuds We wanna be Smiths Chris We wanna be Smiths, Chris. We wanna be Smiths, Chris.

There's a long tradition throughout the world of things that want to be... I think in the Far East, they do it a lot more, don't they? Like, they'll have a fish going on the kind of tuna.

Eat me. Yeah, yeah. Hey, here's a fork, mate. But no, the advert, though, was upsetting because it was all these kind of stop-motion potatoes jumping about being happy and then launching themselves into a chip-making machine.

I don't know. It's all a bit fucking Jonestown for my liking. I like that ad. Anyway, I'll carry on reading. Sorry. So, for a delectable crunch, and with surprising twists, grind and blend. And with surprising twists, grinds and blends. Grinds and blends.

Blends of carefully selected flavours, there's an enticing taste journey awaiting to be discovered in every bite. There's an enticing taste journey. Our honey soy chicken potato chips blend the sweetness of honey cut by the subtle richness of the soy sauce. Now, I personally am looking forward to tasting those, Paul. All he goes on to say, there's that one pepper, that one flavour he hasn't included, which is the black pepper and lime.

Well, I would have liked to try that. And he says, I'm not a particularly huge fan of the sea salt and balsamic vinegar. I always find that it's a bit too sweet for a potato chip. Well, let's start with sea salt because that's the regular.

We'll start with the base flavour. Start on the base flavour. What's the huff on that saying? As a kettle chip huff, you'd imagine. Is it a kettle chippy huffy? Yeah, go sniff that and tell me that's not a kettle chip huff. Pure chip kettle chip huff. It's that slightly, what is it, burnt potato-y kind of smell almost?

It's that slight... And it's the grease. Yeah, maybe it's the grease. I mean, if you told me that was a kettle chip, I would have said that's a kettle chip. Yeah. It's got a great crunch, but not much flavour. I feel like these Smiths have more sort of potato flavour coming out almost. Do you know what I mean, if you told me that was a kettle chip, I would have said that's a kettle chip. Yeah. It's got a great crunch, but not much flavour. I feel like these Smiths have more sort of potato flavour coming out almost. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. But that's what I find with kettle chips. Like, they up the flavour because they reduce the taste of the crisp itself almost because it comes too brittle and burnt and a bit fried out. Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. Right. Let's go on to balsamic salt and, no, sea salt and balsamic vinegar. Now,

he says, Jack says, these are too sweet for him, but you, I know Paul, because I know you, mate. Yeah,

you do know me. You do, you like a kettle chip with balsamic vinegar, don't you? Well, that one brand. You do that weird thing

where you suck them dry. I lick them. You lick them in your mouth and you suck them weird so you've got this big soggy crisp. You completely issue the whole crisp experience. No, what I do is I buy a couple of hundred bags of very salted crisps and I lick them until they're all soft and damp.

And then I slowly put them on my body and I become crisp man. And then the crisp hardens and I become solid in this. Yes. After about four hours, I do cum. I'm crisp man. Paul, I have to say when you start. I'm solid in this. Yes. After about four hours, I do cum. I'm crisp man. Paul, I have to say, when you started that anecdote and you started to wedge up damn crisps, I was hoping for a poultice.

I was hoping for a whole tranche of wind-dried, mucal, crisp poultice. Crisp poultice. Hanging in the wind like a bunch of corpses. Open the fucking crisps. Chips. Yeah, it's still got that tang of balsamic. It sounds a bit like my favourite kettle chip flavour,

but we'll see what the flavour's like now. Now pour. Huff it. Yeah, I'm getting the vinegar off that huff. Oh, yeah, it's got a little bit of tang to it. Really? Do you feel it? That's nice. And the sweetness again. Yeah, I can feel the sweetness. It comes behind the tartness, though. Do's got a little bit of tang to it. Really? Do you feel it? That's nice.

And the sweetness again. Yeah, I can feel the sweetness. It comes behind the tartness though. Do you know what I mean? You know what? It just tastes like vinegar to me. A slightly sweet vinegar. It doesn't have the colourful swathes of like kind of wine.

Balsamic is a wine flavour. Yeah, it doesn't have that sweetness I want from it that you get with the... With the kettle chip ones. Yeah. Or with... Really. So you'd say that's different. Because I'm not you get with the... With the kettle chip ones. Yeah. Or with... Really. So you'd say that's different. Because I'm not that familiar with the kettle chip balsamic vinegar.

It's... What I... Weirdly... These aren't as good, these Red Rock Daily ones. What I weirdly love about that particular brand of balsamic vinegar and salt, whatever it is, is that it's got a chip shop chip flavor to it, which makes it very satisfying. Where this is just... It just seems like a slightly more sweet salt and vinegar. If you just said to me, have a salt very satisfying. Where this is just, it just seems like a slightly more sweet

salt and vinegar. If you just said to me, have a salt and vinegar crisp, I would say oh yeah, that's salt and vinegar. You're saying it doesn't have the complexity? No. So they've gone for just the balsamic. It's a fine crisp. It's just achieved with a sort of normal vinegar and then some sweetness, rather than using actual balsamic vinegar.

I wonder if it's an ingredient. No, they probably do use balsamic vinegar, but what I'm saying is, I think maybe it's just too tart, so it kind of drowns out. That tartness drowns out. No, there's no... It's the last item on the menu. Yeah.

On the... Ingredients. And the ingredients is balsamic vinegar powder. Powder? Yeah. And it's the least amount of anything in there. No, well, there you go. I don't know.

It's a fine snack, but I've had better. Yeah, right. Sweet chili. A bit one-dimensional. Sweet chili and sour cream, which we've not really done anything like this before. Sour cream and sweet chili. You know what?

I said on the show last, no, it's noodles. I've never had a sweet chili noodle, but there's quite a famous Walker's Sensations sweet chili one, isn't there? But this doesn't have sour cream. That's chicken and sweet chili, isn't it? Isn't it Thai sweet chilli something? Chicken. Something like that.

It's a very sweet, not very hot snack. No, this is a unique. This must be unique to Down Under. A sweet chilli and sour cream potato chip fuse the lingering sweet heat of chilli and paprika with a hint of smooth, tangy sour cream. Tangy again. There's that word.

It doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean anything. What, the sour cream is tangy? So they're using tangy as sour rather than tangy sour cream. Tangy again. There's that word. It doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean anything. What, the sour cream is tangy? So they're using tangy as sour rather than tangy as spicy, which means both things, everybody. Come on. Remove the veil from your eyes and realise tangy... All right, fucking snack QAnon.

Jesus fucking Christ. Tangy is not a word. It means anything. It's used to deceive people into buying things. Tangygate. That's what I say. And whilst I'm on the subject, Paul, did you notice the Australians refer to these crisps as chips?

Right. Fine. That's the same as in the States. In the States... They call it chips. And they call them fries. They'd call chips fries, right? But what do Australians call chips?

They call them... Chips. Like chips that you'd get with a piece of fish. I think so. I think they just call them chips. It's all chips. I don that you'd get with a piece of fish. I think so. I think they just call them chips. It's all chips. I don't know. Well, you don't know.

We need to know. This is important stuff. I don't care. We're doing a segment about Australian crisps. What do Australians call potato chips? Well, then that's still potato chips. Yeah, that was the wrong question to ask. Australian English used chips

both for what North Americans call French fries and what Britons called crisps. There you go. Weird, eh? When confusion would often occur between the two meanings, hot chips and cold chips are used. Wow. Hot chips.

I want to get some hot chips. And then I'll have a packet of chips with that. And I'll have a hot... What? Cold chips. Can I have a hot chip in me hot opening? Yeah. You know what?

I'm going to fucking buy so many chips, masticate the shit out of them, spit into a special... Here we go. Where's this going? It's special plastic... I think poultice. Poultice.

Mould. And then you dry them out. Yep. You've got them ready made. You've got a stack of them in my garage. My garage. Yep. I'm going to taste these crisps, Paul.

Smell them. You haven't huffed. I have. Farty. A bit vomity. A bit vomit. A bit bile huffed. I have. Farty. A bit vomity. A bit vomit. A bit biley. Yeah, it's the sour cream, isn't it?

Right, let's have a go. Mmm. Mmm, nice. Bold. Sweetness comes. It's got good amplitude. It all sort of arrives at the same sort of a nice time. Those are my favourite of these so far.

Definitely. That's really quite a nice snack. Bit too sweet for me Bit too sweet Bit cloying A bit cloying Finally Honey soy chicken

Blends the sweetness of honey cut Blends the sweetness of honey cut By the subtle richness of soy sauce Honey cut That's what it says Honey pause cut No it doesn't It just says of honey cut

One sentence You read that out and tell me I'm not being an idiot We begin With the finest potatoes. No, don't start with that bit. Jump to the second one. Are honey soy chicken potato chips blend the sweetness

of honey cut by the subtle richness of soy sauce? I guess it's all about inflection. Yes. Be able to read things correctly. I'm going to go for the first half on this. Alright. You've ruined it. Oh, fucking hell. I have to put my hand in that. Stop sticking All right. You've ruined it. Oh, fucking hell. I have to put my hand in that.

Stop sticking your whole fucking filthy face in it. I'm just trying to get a really good half, man. That is a weak half. Weakest of all the crisps so far. It's got a cardboard, damp, mouldy cardboard

with a very faint chicken underneath. Do you know what I mean? To be fair, we shouldn't judge them solely on the half, but... Do you agree with my appraisal of the hoof? Right, let's have a taste of it.

It's chicken with a bit of a farty aftertaste, which I think comes from the honey. No, those are the worst, aren't they? There's a nice wave of chicken first, and then you're left with an aftertaste of... And it's a bit farty on the nose, yeah. The honey's a bit farty on the nose, do you know what I mean? Did he say that was his favourite? It's kind of got this whiffy, this honey whiff, because honey smells a bit like spit, doesn't it?

You know what it is reminding me of? Fart spray. Yes! High five me! You found it! That is exactly what it is! That is that fart spray smell.

Yeah. Remember that from school when you had the little squirt and it had that... You did it! You've managed to identify that smell, man. Well done, Paul.

Thank you. I'm very proud of you. I just want to make one more point. Yeah. They taste much, although they have that weird fart smell,

these honey soy chicken Red Rock Deli ones smell, taste a lot closer to what we'd call a roast chicken flavour than the Smith's chicken flavour,

didn't they? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. No, I agree, but then the aftertaste ruins it. Yeah, totally. It's stuck with the chicken. It might have been a really nice snack,

but I don't know, that whole thing doesn't work. Very weird. Okay, next letter. Go. Okay, we got through those. Now, Thins. The next pack of chips is Thins Light and Tangy. Oh, fucking hell, there's that Tangy word.

Also, you're going slowly into South Africa. No, no, fuck you. Eli might be interested in this one because the flavour is a bit of a mystery. Oh, I like that, yeah. I quite like this flavour of chips, but I can't work out for the life of me what the light and tangy flavour is.

Because tangy means nothing. One of my mates, Paul, reckons it's tomato and onion. But I honestly have no idea. There's only one large pack of these chips because I couldn't get it in the small packets. Listen, Jack, you've done brilliantly. You've done brilliantly here. Thins, does that remind you of any, it's like discos or something.

It's just a name, isn't it? Thins. Because you imagine there's chips and hot chips and cold chips. These are thin chips, maybe. You know what I mean? It came from that. Is this another invention of the Frito-Lay PepsiCo conglomerate? No.

Made in Australia by Snack Brands Australia. Oh, Snack Brands. That's another big one. But I don't think they're the same. So, light and tangy means nothing, right? But on the front, you have a bowl of the Snack Crisps. And what I think is pepper, paprika, and I presume a big tomato. Can I have a bowl of the crisp. And what I think is pepper, paprika and I presume a big tomato.

Can I have a look at that? That's a tomato. That's definitely a tomato. And there's a little herb, a wooden a rustic wooden herb bowl with some pinching paprika. Pinch your paprika. Just to pinch it. Just to pinch. Just to spread it. Just to spittering. And then what do you do? You rub it around the meatus,

the rim of the meatus. You rub it on the rim of the meters and then you get this golden red and it's all tangy tangy red meters and it all goes popsy wopsy pops off you've just got to fucking

come up with random little moments for yourself throughout today's episode it's all popped off no don't just say popsy wwopsy, popped off. Probably made in Australia, Paul.

Irresistibly tasty. I'm going to get a good half on this. Yeah, he's going for a micro-huff now. These are the ones he doesn't know what the flavour is exactly. What they're saying

is mystery smell, mystery kind of flavour almost. But we'll see. He's going in. I can't look at him now when he makes that huff face because it's just disturbing. Mate, that huff is really weak on this.

A weak huff. It's a huff. Stale, sort of potato nothing huff, I'd say. Oh, yeah. Do you know what I mean? In fact, it's almost... I don't know why. It smells like a garden centre.

I don't know why. No, you're on fire today, Paul. Honestly, love your flavour work today. Right. What do they look like? Crisps. Yeah, they've got little speckles, don't they? Little bit of speckles.

Yeah, speckled crisps. They are speckled with green herb. We haven't really gone into the colour design of these before. Too sweet. I do not like that flavour. Why? What's your issue? Tastes like a garden centre.

Yeah, quite herbaceous, isn't it? Yeah. It's like close to a sort of pizza flavour almost, isn't it? It's like a weak sour cream flavour with a little bit

of paprika coming through to give it a bit of sweetness. Not great. You know what? It's a bit like those Canadian oil flavours. It's a little bit like a stew

or some kind of moussaka or a ratatouille. Yes. Do you know what I mean? Vegetably, herby, greeny. Vegetably stew kind of bouillon broth thing. Not great. What an interesting snack, though, but not for me.

It'd be all right. If that's your flavour bag, baby, fine, but I don't think that's for me. No real complaints, just not for me. That's the flavour he included. They must be a big deal in Australia, then. People like those. I guess. What's next? What's last? Tim Tams. Tim T be a big deal in Australia then. People like those. I guess. What's next?

What's last? Tim Tams. Tim Tams. I've it in my bag. Hang on. You do the letter. I'll get the Tim Tams. Right. These Tim Tams are a classic Australian bicky. Tim Tams. And they are on special this week, which means they qualify as a cheap eat. Bravo. Tim Tams. I've always heard these compared to

the penguin biscuits that you have in the UK. Tim Tams. Well, we'll be the judge of that. That's right, Tim Tams, yes. But I have no idea how they compare. I've included three flavours of Tim Tams. Tim Tams. Thank you, Paul. Tim Tams.

The original chocolate flavour. Tim Tams. So we know the chocolate is the original flavour, yeah? Tim Tams. As well as two limited edition gourmet flavours. Sunshine Coast Straw yeah? Tim Tams. As well as two limited edition gourmet flavours. Sunshine Coast Strawberries. Tim Tams. And Cream and Murray River Salted Caramel.

Timity Tim Tams. The strawberry one is actually surprisingly good for one of these limited edition flavours as they usually just end up rather disappointing. Tim Tams. That's right, they're Tim Tams. Are you ready? Tim Tams. Anyway, that's all that's in the box. Hope you guys enjoy it. Keep up the good work Tim Tams. That's right, they're Tim Tams. Are you ready? Tim Tams. Anyway, that's all that's in the box.

Hope you guys enjoy it. Keep up the good work with the podcast. Cheers. Thank you, Jack. Thank you, Jack. That is a bounty of snacks that you've given us. So thank you. Nice background info as well.

Thanks for that. So we're going to start with the original, which is a chocolate. It's a chocolate biscuit. What does it remind you of? It does literally look like a... No, it literally looks like a penguin. So it's got the nice covered finish. finish yeah it is by its own description um 11 biscuits tim tam just open the it's weird though it's got a thing called a health star rating which i presume

the higher the star the more healthy it is like the traffic light system we have here you know with you have the fat and everything so how healthy? Well, it scores 0.5 out of 5. Not very high. Just says original chocolate biscuit. And it is. It's a chocolate biscuit. It is a soft kind of bourbon biscuit centre with two chocolate biscuits. I told you, it's a bourbon. Yeah.

But then that's kind of what a penguin is. It's a chocolate-covered bourbon. Now, I think there's been a bit of a, you know, it's melted a bit in the packing and travelling and posting. Why? Because it's been in Australia where it's hot.'s melted a bit in the packing and travelling and posting so you know because it's been in Australia where it's hot what's wrong with it it looks fine

no mine's a little bit melty and flat it's got chocolate money flavour chocolate that really cheap chocolate smell because here's the thing I'm presuming

like America they make the chocolate differently to deal with the high temperatures of you know is that a good he's eating it I'm going to eat it.

It tastes like a penguin with slightly different chocolate. But how is it different? Well, the chocolate doesn't taste the same. It's got that Americanized chocolate taste too, which is slightly waxier. You know what I'd say as well? There's a sort of caramelly, toffee-like finish, which is different. Do you know what I mean? It's slightly richer, sort of coffee, almost coffee. You know that burnt sort of you know what that's really quite nice that's fine

it is good i like that it's got that richness at the end you know i'm getting at this sort of toffee sort of flavor i've never had a tim tam before today and i'm i'm impressed oh let's just give it an arbitrary rating then i'm going to give that out of five three and a half i'll go for three and a half as well well now let's have these special edition ones right we're going to do murray river salted caramel now these are all places they're very proud proudly australian I'll go for a 3.5 as well but now let's have these special edition ones right we're going to do Murray River Salted Caramel now these are all places they're very proud proudly Australian

yeah now it looks like a less chocolatey version it's got a chocolate outer casing it's got a kind of creamy what I'd imagine is caramel fondant

and possibly a honey biscuit rather than chocolate or a custard cream kind of biscuit yeah rather than a bourbon bourbon do you call them bourbons or bourbons I've biscuit. Yeah, rather than a bourbon. Yeah. Bourbon?

Do you call them bourbons or bourbons? I've always said bourbon. Bourbon cream. Bourbon cream, yeah. I don't know where it gets its name from.

Possibly somewhere in France. Now, I'm thinking this is going to be nice. I like a salted caramel thing. I like salted caramel

things, but not all the time. Sometimes in a Kit Kat Chunky, oh, it's nice. It's a weird thing that's taken over the flavour world and

didn't even exist like 10 years ago, did it? Yeah, but think about it. It's because we ran out of ideas for chocolate, so we started throwing everything into chocolate. Can you think of anything else that's stuck as a sort of neo-flavour as much as that has? Well, the Kit Kats have. They've kept their special flavours and stuff,

especially the Chunkies, because they do like salted caramel Kit Kat Chunky. They do peanut butter. I'm saying just as a sort of concept, as a flavour for confectionary concept, salted caramel came in. Where did it come from? I don't know.

Do you see what I mean? Now it's everything. Any kind of, we'll always do a salted caramel. Yeah, but here's why things happen. I think what's happened is the chocolate industry's looked at like fancy restaurants and gone,

oh, look at their chocolate bun. We're going to replicate a fancy restaurant chocolate experience in a snack on a budget. And a salted caramel because it's got that weird and people don't think

of things that are salty as being... Well, no, because it's dessert. Salty brings out the sweet. It certainly does. That's why chocolate-covered pretzels are so fucking delicious. That's why flips are the fucking

absolute shalady-wady. Oh, of course. They're right. I did got... Do you know what I had the other day, Paul? Oh, yeah? Dark chocolate-covered flips. Dirty, dirty. For me, that's it. Dirty of course. They're right. I did got some. Do you know what I had the other day, Paul? Oh, yeah? Dark chocolate-covered flips.

Dirty, dirty. For me, that's it. Dirty, dirty. For me, just because I love... You know my favourite biscuit is a... Did you suck the chocolate off first and then eat it? No, I crunched right down. Oh, you don't.

Oh, God. Right, let's taste these. Oh, it's... Oh, he's doing the noise. He's doing two things at once there, people. He is doing his funny, funny patented wiggle mouth noise. And he's also making a joke that he's coming spods. Anything else, Paul?

I will not have you speak to me in that manner. At least I make up nonsense words. Oh, yeah, great. Eli Silverman, his whole fucking thing at the moment is to just go ping, bong, sploff, chod. Not ping, bong. You always say goff. Toff. Joff.

Choff. Gloff. Spaffle. Should we taste this biscuit? Femmelex. Femmelex. I don't know what Femmelex is, but you say it. It sounds like a product.

It does. Buy a new Femmelex. It's a poultice. Yeah, it certainly is. Femmelex poultice. One, two, three. Femmelex poultice. Come with. Yeah, it certainly is. Femmelex poultice. One, two, three. Femmelex poultice. Come with me.

Burn it up your gooch and let us see if you clean it. Femmelex poultice. I've got me. Right. The thing about that that you didn't see, listener, is that Eli's face of disdain. At the end he goes, oh, no, I will jump in on this. I do like this.

And I did a little cognification thing. Yeah, I liked it. Right, let's eat this fucking thing. Right about the biscuit. Yeah, I liked it. Right, let's eat this fucking thing. Mmm, right about the biscuit. Yeah. Mmm, nice. Even more toffee, obviously.

That is quite nice. Do you like it better than the original or less? Mate, ooh. I don't know. It's different. Much more toffee-y,

I'd say. That's fine. I'm not getting any salt. Not really. But I'm guessing that's just the flavouring. Oh, it's got... A bit of spoff in flavouring. It's got a bit of spoff in the middle. It's got some spoffy stuff in the middle.

It's nice, isn't it? I like that better. Just dribbles into the back of your tongue. I like the slight chew on the inner. Slight chew on it which is nice. Right, next. Now these now are the donor of all of this. Jack did not care for these. Sunshine Coat Strawberry

and Cream. Oh no, he said they're surprisingly good Oh, okay Right, so It looks like a I believe it looks like a Tim Tam Obviously a chocolate one But this time It is a Tim Tam

It is a Tim Tam Let's be clear There'll be photos of these by the way It's a Tim Tam But this one hasn't got a chocolate centre It's got a strawberry centre Strawberry and cream centre I think that's the major difference

Maybe it's still chocolate. Maybe it's that darker biscuit. Paul, can I just warn you? When you tried something which was chocolate and a fruit flavour last week, you had a little bit of a gaggy. So just be aware this is a chocolate and strawberry, which you don't like, yeah? Well, maybe this one is surprisingly good.

Oh, it smells like Neapolitan ice cream. Sniff that. Oh, it so totally doesapolitan ice cream. Sniff that. Oh, it so totally does. Yeah, doesn't it? Mate, you've been so on point with your flavour identification. I mean, I don't want both. I'm so weird. You really got on a roll this week.

Yeah. Yeah, it smells exactly like Neapolitan ice cream. I'm going in for a bite. That's fine. I'm not a big fan of strawberry. It's not horrible. The weakest of the three I'd say

yeah it's that artificial strawberry flavour you don't really go for that it's like strawberry milk tastes like that as well oh yeah

that's exactly what it is oh mate we're on fork today aren't we love okay so that is the Tim Tams mate I know I'm gonna

I preferred the salted caramel one I'm gonna do something to end this segment on a fucking bang I'm gonna have a bit of everything in my mouth at once. Here we go. Now, I'll feed you. All right, yeah, you just feed it all in my mouth.

All the crisps at once. Careful not to get any on the sofa. And then here's my biscuits, and I'm going to take a bite of the biscuits. One, two, three. Paul Gannon, for science, is going to put the whole of Australia in his mouth. Here we go.

So, what's this I'm building you a stack yeah have you washed your hands by the way before you start yes I wash my hands a lot Paul yeah in all honesty am I not at least fair to ask that I have washed my hands yes thank you

right so this is all the Smith scripts lined up now great I'm going to now I'm moving on to the Red Rock Deli Chris I'm just going to add this one for time because you're taking forever, mate. No, people love this. You said entertain them. That's what you said.

Come on. So, right. Here we go. The pile is building. You missed one. You missed the farty one. I haven't missed the farty one. I put that on.

I put that on. You have not. It's this one here. This one. That is not that one, Paul. That is that one. That is not. Yeah, I'm right.

I'm right. Get the fart spray one. I'm getting you a big, juicy fart spray one on here. Right, here we go. Oh, it's redolent of fart spray. Is that all the crisps now in a pile? Yes. Yeah, right.

Here we go. All the crisps. And then you're going to put the chocolate right on top? You've got to put the crisps afterwards once I've got this down to a mulch. Okay. All right? It's got to get mulchy before I get've got this down to a mulch. Okay. All right? It's got to get mulchy before I get the chalk in. Don't.

Be careful you don't choke. Oh, he's good. He's fed them all in. Paul. Paul has fed them all in. Not much waste. He's wasted a tiny fragment of a crisp. And he's on the mulching process.

The long road to mulch. No, don't try to talk, Paul. Keep it all crunching down. You've got to get chocolate on top of that. You've got to get Tim Tams up that. In my hot opening? Yeah, in your hot opening, yes. God almighty.

Is it down? Is it down? What does it taste like? I've got a crunchy crisp in my mouth. It tastes like everything. That's mouth. It tastes like everything. That's good. It tastes like everything. It's like an everything crisp. Right, let's get the chockers in.

A bite of this. A bite of that. I don't know why you're doing this. A bite of this. Entertainment! This is horrible. It's fine, though. He's actually having a nice time.

He's like a pig in shit, ladies and gentlemen. What's he laughing about? Did you like the pink slit on the I-Team tan? There's a wave of... It's like it's a Willy Wonka's factory in my gob. I'm getting waves of dicking. Waves of dicking? No!

Don't pick me up. This is what I feared. Paul is choking. Waves of dick in then, you were saying. Stop it. He is spewing, ladies and gentlemen. Spods of wet crisp all over my fucking face. I'm so sorry.

Social distance, my friend. It was bizarre. I got a wave of chicken, then chilli, and then chocolate came in. I got a fragment. I got a fragment on the telly. I'm sorry. I'll clean it up in a minute.

That's how you do an end segment to the show. That's entertainment, mate. That's not. It wasn't. I found it quite sort of weird. Something to do, innit? Oh, God, that was the most amazing thing I've done with my mouth in years. Apart from Gary, eh?

Apart from Gary? He should make an appearance. Who, the guy who wrote the letter? No, Gary. Last week, he said, I've had worse things in my mouth. Oh, Gary. His name was Gary. Gary, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So he should turn up. I can't do that. I bet he's Northern, and he's got like a fetid. It must be the worst thing he's got. So he's got like proper venereal disease, which like leads to. Right, we need to take. He's got like, he's got pubes like a thatch. Like a green thatch.

Eli. Here comes Gary. Eli. Yes. I need to take a break because I feel really, really nauseous right now. Eli here comes Gary Eli yes I need to take a break because I feel really really nauseous right now I'll get you

I'll get you a glass of water a glass of water okay come on we'll see you after the sound effects see you after this boys and girls bye it's time for

a gago gago gago gago gago gago gago gago gago gago gago gago gago gago The threat of violence hovers above me, ladies and gentlemen, because I could have easily have interjected there and told you off for being a naughty little monkey boy.

But unfortunately, you're wielding an inflatable Snapple bottle, which you have already agreed and stated that you will force into my face. I will FaceTime you. You will force into my face your big Snapple bottle. I will FaceTime you with your big sweaty Snapple bottle. I feel threatened as a result. I don't feel confident.

Who was... No, I'm working on something. I'm working on something. So he goes, I'm working on something. I'm working on something. So he goes, No, that was just a practice. Yeah. Wait for it. I'm going to really... All I do is wait for it. I will give it some now, okay?

Oh, I want a hot opening. This is fucking awful. And-do-doo-doo. Ooh-do-doo-doo. This is fucking awful. And you're an awful human being. It's games. It's games. It's games.

What's the game we're playing today on Gas Gold Games, Paul? Today we are playing a game called Tough Luck. It's interesting. I saw this in a charity shop. It's by Seven Towns Limited, who made it for Peter Pan Playthings. Now, Peter Pan made loads of great and interesting toys throughout the 80s.

Such as? Hmm. We've featured a few of them on the show in the past but I can't, off the top of my head, I can't remember. They're good with plastic.

They made board games and like toy board games. Oh, did they do Mousetrap and things like that originally? They did. It's that kind of thing though with a toy aspect.

A thing that's... One thing I can tell you they did because i bought this for stuart ashens for his channel uh but it was one of those books that you slide into a calculator and you play a quiz on it oh yes you know what i mean like a computer quiz show that's what i mean they're on the more sort of high tech end of the board game they're on the more kind of experimental toy yeah rather than board games thing yes but um you know we at some point we'll probably do a proper breakdown of Peter Pan toys because there's some interesting stuff there. And now this isn't actually a board game. No, this is a weird...

It's a game I saw in a charity shop. And when I went online, there was an interesting mix of views upon it. Some people were saying it was good, some people were saying it was awful, but most people were saying it's famous for one thing, and that is the tough look... What do they call it? Ball-o-matic.

Oh yeah. Yeah, ball-o-matic. It's this red tube but it has this nice device. It's more of a is it a tube? It's got a lid on. It's like a plastic beaker. It's a tube with a helmet.

It's a plastic beaker full of balls. Oh, that's a massive problem. That's a massive problem. Paul, we're going to have to stop the recording and pick up all your balls. Oh no. For fuck's sake.

Hello there, we're the normals. We really aren't quite sane. But we go black bunkers when we play this game. Bum, bum, bunkers. Inside the Oz bunkers. First I go forward six, then I go ten back.

Then I go forward four and score. I think he's gonna crack. Bunkers is never the same game twice because the board's always changing. Next I go forward three, then I go back to start, and then I score and win the game. I think he fell apart. It's never the same game twice.

From Milton Bradley. Yes, it's Gallant's Golden Gaze. No, we don't have to do that bit again. Who was you? I am, it's Gallant's Golden Gaze. No, we don't have to do that bit again. Who are you? I am you, our Gallant's Golden Gaze. I'm going to fucking grab your...

No, you grab what? You bite my penis? No. Will you bite it? We go round the back? This is going to be a non-penis insult. Are you going to go round the back?

I might go round the back. Are you going to sew up my arsehole? I might. And then put me in a boule mange farm? What? Gallant's Golden Games! Gannon's Golden Games!

Who are you? Are we? Are you? Are Gannon's Golden Games? Let's play Gannon's Golden Games, Paul. We had a little mishap, we should say to everyone. Yeah, I scattered... You had a mishap.

I scattered my balls across the floor. Totally, and we spent... A good ten minutes. On our knees, gathering your balls up. Yeah, pretty much. Now, I'm going to shake these again with my thumb on the lid this time. Yes, secure it. To mix it all up.

So, this game is fundamentally a gambling game crossed with a kind of bingo aesthetic. The game involves this little red plastic toy that I shook about, and it's got this mechanic to it where when you pull up the lid ever so slightly and then drop it down and then pull it back up... It feeds a ball up through the top. There we go. There we go.

Yeah, there we go. And it is quite an ingenious little design, and people like that, do they? Yeah. They just want that. Why would a serious collector just want that and not the rest of the government? The story goes is that this little, I don't know, lottery ball device.

Selector. It's a randomiser. A random ball selector toy was made by two guys and they just didn't have a board game to go with it. And so somehow this got married to this kind of gambling bingo thing that we got going on, simply because you can use the randomised balls as part of the game. It's like a dice, isn't it?

Yeah. There are 25 white coloured balls in here. Yeah, and we should know. Yeah, we fucking do now, actually. We've been on our hands and knees gathering them up. There are three black balls. Some of them look quite dusty. Yellow balls and five red balls

oh right have you started to explain how to play this to me now no I'm just telling you what's in here and we shake it up don't shake it careful

you don't have to shake it no one can see inside it I'm shaking it to random it's opaque I'm shaking it right to randomise all the balls to jack it off

because I put them in red then yellow then black and the numbers didn't I that's it don't come on I'm doing a fake walkout no don't I because I'm going to that's it don't come on

I'm doing a fake walkout no don't do a fake bear with me there's nowhere to go I'm going for a walk I'm angry that sounded like a horse you were going

walking off on was it Pegasauce it's sauce brown sauce that's Pegasauce's voice is it brown sauce

you go off then fly off he's doing a fake fly off. There he goes, flapping through the sky. Bye. Oh, Pegasauce. I've got a splinter in me foot. No.

Oh, my God. You need... Oh, young man, you need sauce for that. Look under my ear. You'll find a brown patch of sauce. Apply it to your foot. When you're loud, stand away from the mic. I don't understand how five years in you don't know this yet.

Oh, very rude, young man. Just do it again. Explain the game to me, Paul. Have you got a splinter in your foot now? I did. I somehow got a splinter in my foot off the floor and it went real deep in. I had to pull it out and it was really long.

And then what did you do? You pulled it out, it was really long. You gave it a shape. Did a little pearl-shaped ball of spunk come out? Did it? As you twist the shaft into a little pearl. In this game... Blabbles.

In this game, the aim of the game is to get a line of five across your plastic grid. Roger. So the game comes with these little plastic grids with 25...

We both have a plastic grid. It's got a little pound symbol. And it's a grid of 25, Paul. They're all numbered there. Little dimples. Yeah. Come on, mate. They're all numbered there, little dimples. Yeah. Come on, mate. It's 25.

The balls fell out and I got a splinter. Peter Pan, nice branding on the game tray. The game's called Tough Look and the idea is you've got to fill up a line of five. On your game tray. Vertically or horizontally. Oh, you didn't tell me that before we started. I did.

No, I definitely did. No, you said you had to be across here. I didn't. Oh, it didn't tell me that before we started. I did. No, I definitely did. No, you said you had to be across here. I didn't. I said you had to make a line of... Oh, it's like Blockbusters. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Without the questions and with gambling.

Who wrote the Blockbusters theme? Was it... Jacques Earth. Hey, go there. Oh, nice stolen character from On The Hour. Great. So, the idea is

that you have to get a line of five and you do that by gambling for balls that come out randomly from the system, right? Who goes who goes first object the first person to complete a straight line of five balls in either a vertical horizontal or diagonal direction on his or her board is the winner each player is given 60 000 pound we've been given that eli got the pound dotted it up between 1 000 5 000 and 10 000 pound i've got all denominations. All the denominations.

Tough luck bank. They haven't gone, the design is minimal. It's minimal. You get the gist of it. It's fake money like Monopoly. Not even double-sided. Monopoly wasn't, was it? Wasn't it? I don't think so. So don't you throw shit at fucking this when Monopoly's been doing it for years. I hate Monopoly. I hate. We're never,

just so you know ladies and gentlemen, we're never playing Monopoly on Cheap Show. We're never doing it. It's a gallon's golden games. It's just dreary, boring, misery, stress game that makes someone angry and friendships can be ruined or it ruins the whole tone of the night.

Or people get bored. Yes, but you know why? Because on a more technical level, it's much harder to come from behind when you're playing Monopoly. If someone gets out ahead first... You're fucked. Yeah.

Yeah. It's not a fun game to play. So that just, by definition, is not as fun as a game where you can overtake people. Yeah. No, it's just all boring old crap. Because once you've bought all the places, you just... Boring old shit. Yeah, you just...

Boring old crap, old shit, old boring old bollocks. Anyone who likes Monopoly and thinks it's the best game in the world is fundamentally wrong. No one does. They're selling it. You know how they sell it now? They do it with those skins. So it gets a Star Wars skin. That's the best game in the world is fundamentally wrong. No one does. They're selling it. You know how they sell it now? They do it with those skins. So it gets a Star Wars skin. That's the only reason.

Oh, you see the Ghostbusters Monopoly. You're going to get it. So someone with no imagination goes, oh, my little Johnny likes Ghostbusters. I'll get him the Ghostbusters Monopoly. Here you go, little Johnny. I do not like Monopoly, Papa. And I shall tell you with all of my disdain

how much of a failure you are as Papa, Papa. Oh. Daddy, Daddy, banish Daddy. I banished Daddy.

That's going nowhere. Right. I was going to say Dick Titty. Yeah, you know what? That's why I decided to pull out that one. Because I knew it could have

gone to some very unpleasant places. Yeah, very bad. You started it. Just read the rules. I'm very mystified. I know I have to to some very unpleasant places. Yeah, very bad. You started it. Just read the rules. I'm very mystified. I know I have to get five in a row

one way or another. We've both got 60 grand. That's as far as we've got, Paul. Right. Okay. Explain the golden game of Ganon.

I'll go through it as we go. So there are two stages of play. Stage one, complete two rounds, each player ending his stage with two

numbered balls on his or her board, right? How do we do that? Well, you just pull the machine and you get a ball out. And if it's like two, you put it in the two grid. If it's 18, you put it in the 18 grid. It's not a grid, the dimple. The grid is the whole thing.

Yeah. It can't be a grid if it's one dimple, can it? Five by five grid. Yeah. You put it in a dimple. In the grid, not in the two grid. That's not a grid. That would be a little a grid there.

Put it in the dimple in the grid. Is that all right? Put it in the dimple in the grid. I will put it in the dimple in the grid, not in the two grid. That's not a grid. That would be a little a grid there. Put it in the dimple in the grid. Is that all right? Put it in the dimple in the grid. I will put it in the dimple in the grid. Right, well, then we'll put it in the dimple in the grid. Okay. And you have to make a line of five. Now, you can only do that by randomly taking balls from this and filling it out.

But as we get past the first two rounds, then it becomes a kind of gambling game where we have to bid, auction the ball that's revealed so we can try and get a flat five. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Sound like Crazy Frog. They do, though. They do, don't they? Right, so round one. I don't explain. I don't understand the auctioning mechanic.

We'll get to it in a minute, all right? Round one is very simple. Shall we do round one, then? Round one is very simple. Are we going to have a timer for this? No, because this doesn't take too long, this game. That's not like a standard Ganon Golden Gang. All right, well then we'll do it.

No, fine. Fine, no timer. All right, because one of us might win this very quickly. If it looks like it's going to drag on, I'll just cheat, all right? No cheating. I'll cheat somehow. That goes against the very essence of Ganon's Golden Games. Dawson, I've cheated many times playing Ganon's Golden Games.

And that's why you've got such a winning record. No, I don't. You have a better winning record than me, I think. No, no. You totally own me. Do you remember on 2-2-B Baker Street and I totally moved into the path of the detective? No, that's Scotland Yard you did that. You fundamentally misunderstood

the rules. It's like, hey, here's the part of the round where I show myself where I am on the board. Oh, it's between two police officers owned by me. I didn't understand the mechanics of the game fully. It wasn't the greatest game to play because it's a very visual game and you need to see the map. Right, so I shake my shaker.

I get a pearly dew drop appearing in the meter's hole. It says here, play. Each player plays 10 grand into a common pool which will increase as the game proceeds and eventually be taken by the winner. Does that mean overall winner? All right, he's putting 10 grand in slam your money down mate got two slam your money down and pound it all around slam your money down pound it all around zig a zig ah it's the spice girls so on his or her turn on round one um who goes first the

youngest youngest which is me. Takes the ball out, places it on the number pocket in his or her ball grid. Shall we do this? What are those pellets for? Corresponding to the number on the ball. Now, you ignore any coloured balls that come out in this round

because it's for stage two. So if it pops out, you put it back in the shaker. So we can only remove a white ball? Yes. I'm going to go first. Because you're youngest. Careful when you shake it

because we don't want to have a repeat of the disaster that preceded this I know it was a big you totally spewed balls all over living room here we go

we were on our hands and knees listener we were on our literal I mean people who are watching the video of this

top tier patron people will have seen you and me on our knees looking for balls like truffle hounds I will never Ever get bored

Of toilet humour Come on I just won't That's what I do Produce a ball Here we go The ball is being I like the action on this

You don't have to pull it up Or halfway It's like a big knob Isn't it It is It's like jerking a knob It's not like jerking a knob It's very reminiscent

Of jerking a big Blocky red knob It's not Well I don't Tough luck it says Tough knob it should be called It's not called of jerking a big blocky red knob. It's not. Well, I don't. Tough luck, it says. Tough knob, it should be called. It should be called tough mug.

That's what it should be called. Tough mug. I don't get the whole naming convention for things that are tough. So you get tough cheese. Yeah. Cheese is a nice thing. Yeah. Isn't it? You want the cheese to be good, but it's not.

Yeah, but you don't want the tough cheese because it's gone off. Yes. Okay. So that's that. We really don't have time to talk about. Tough titty. You know tough titty? Yeah. That's because you want the titty to be nice, but you don't want the tough cheese because it's gone off. Yes. Okay, so that's that. We really don't have time to talk about... Tough titty. You know tough titty? Yeah.

That's because you want the titty to be nice and soft. It's not because of that. I just think it's a... But then what's the other one, Paul? Tell me. What's the other one? Tough shit.

Tough shit. Shit's not good. You don't want the shit to be anything. No, compacted. It'd probably be more swallowable if it was tough because you could get it down.

Do you know what I mean? Get it down what? Your throat, if you had to eat it. Why are you having a shit? And then there's tough luck. And tough love. No, but tough love means something else.

What are you saying? Are these all synonyms? Yeah, no, tough love is the same thing. No, it's not. It's hardened love. No, it's not. Tough love is when... Hardened shit, hardened titties, hardened luck.

Tough love is when you treat someone mean to teach them a lesson about love. Tough love, you you know it's like a billionaire who insists that they're just said children work let's name all the way we're tough it tough this tough that and i go all right tough love he goes oh no not that one not that one that's not a lot are you telling me if he says that's not allowed no paul you're telling me George What do balls taste like I'm a zippy I don't know zippy

I've never tasted balls He's lost it Everybody Right then George Tough love Is a different term All of these terms I'm about to say Paul

All are in the same camp Tough titty Yeah Tough cheese Tough luck Tough nuts They all mean the same thing No

A tough nut is different It's a tough nut to crack Isn't it Yeah That's when all mean the same thing. No, a tough nut is different. It's a tough nut to crack, isn't it? Yeah. That's when you're hard. You're like, I'm a tough nut. I'm a walnut. I'm a fucking tough, double hard walnut. And I've got a fucking shiny bonce, just like a nut.

I'm a Brazil nut what rises to the top and smells of camel piss. I always thought Brazil nuts smelled of camel piss, me. They've got a very straw, straw, pissy smell camel nut. I'm glad you're having fun today. Shut up. We haven't drawn a ball yet. Draw your ball. Right, here we go.

I'm pulling the plunger. It's the phallic plunger. It's going up. Oh, I've got a yellow. That goes right back in. That's like wee-wee coming out the wee-wee hole. That goes right back in, that one. Oh, it just goes in.

And then another one comes up the top. Oh, it's white. It is white. It is. Does it matter? No, it's the number nine because of the little dot. But you can play it anywhere or do you have to start one? No, you have to put it in the nine divot.

Oh, you have to follow the number. I'm getting this now. Now, you put a... I'm getting this now. Where's that little white bag of pellets? Pellets. The white pellet bag. Where's the pellet?

Where's the pellet? Here's the pellet bag. You've got the pellet bag. You put a pellet in your grid. It's like Battleship, so you know where I've put a thing on the board. And I know that the pellets are your ones. Yeah. Okay, so you've gone there.

Now I have to produce a ball. Pull a ball out. What do I do? Push it down again, and then push it down. It's got a lovely action. No, you've got to pull it up, and then there we go. What is it? 24. 24, he puts it in. Put it in my dim action. No, you've got to pull it up. And then, there we go. What is it? 24.

24, he puts it in. Put it in my dimple. Right, my turn again. We both do it twice. You've got your pellet out. Right, here we go. I'm pulling the ball out. You've got a pellet in place. Oh, and it is the number eight.

Oh, that's good, isn't it? Give me a pellet. Oh, that's good. That's eight and nine, which means I only need to get six, seven, and ten. I don't understand what I'm trying to do. It doesn't matter, because it's random. So, here's my second ball means I only need to get six, seven and ten. I don't understand what I'm trying to do. It doesn't matter because it's random. So here's my second ball. Here we go. And he pushes the plunger.

I still can't get it to come out on the first time. You've got to work the shaft for a bit. You're trying to tell me this isn't like a knob. You've got to work the hot red shaft. It's totally like a knob. It's not. It only looks like a knob if your dick looks like a camera lens. Yeah, look, we can kind of see it looks... Kind of? It's a total knob. It's not a total knob. You're a camera lens. Yeah, look, we can kind of see it looks... Kind of?

It's a total knob. It's not a total knob. You're a total knob. I've got a yellow ball that goes straight back in. Straight back in. So when you pull the plunger up, there should be a gap at the sides to slide it back in. Anatomically correct.

It's like watching Don't You Dare say something about anything about my manipulation of objects in my hands. It's like your Stay Puft Marshmallow Man hands. Fuck off. Down there, isn't it? Yeah, and then when you pull it down, it should have a ball in its place. It's like your Stay Puft Marshmallow Man hands. Fuck off. Down there, isn't it? Yeah, and then when you pull it down, it should have a ball

in its place. It certainly does. And what is it? That is the six. Oh, I need the six. Yeah, you bastard. There you go. No, that's five.

You bastard. All right, they look similar from a distance. Right, now we've reached, this is the end of the boring bit, I hope. I hope, yeah, it is. Now we go on to round two.

From the start of round three, the ball drawn by the player does not automatically belong to him or her. Apart from black and yellow balls, all other balls

will be auctioned. By who? The player who draws the black ball has to return one of their numbered balls to the pot.

So if you draw a black one, you lose one off your board. The black ball plays no further part in the game, so that means the

black balls aren't added back to the tube, only the white ones. And the yellows. The player who draws the game so that means the black balls aren't added back to the tube only the white ones yeah the black balls and the yellows yeah

the player who draws a yellow ball and the reds what about the reds I'm going to tell you the player who draws a yellow ball receives 10 grand

from the pool and it retains in it the new unnumbered area of his or her ball sorry the yellow oh it just means

I don't get a yellow ball and the ball gets pulled out of the game so all yellow and black ones don't go back into the pot once they're drawn what do they do then the black one means you have to get a yellow ball, and the ball gets pulled out of the game, so all yellow and black ones don't go back into the pot once they're drawn. What do they do, then?

The black one means you have to take a number off your ball. What does the yellow one do? It means you get 10 grand. Then you've got 10 grand. You get 10 grand for drawing a yellow. Yeah, which means it's better for your gambling part. That's the pool, by the way. Unless it's the bank.

I'm going to move the bank, because it's... No, you take it from the bank. You take the money from the bank. No, it just said take it from the pool. Did it? Yes. All right, from the pool, then. See, fuck's sake. What's the difference between the bank and the pool? Well, the pool... There is no bank. take it from the pool. Did it? Yes. All right, from the pool then. See, fuck's sake.

What's the difference between the bank and the pool? Well, the pool... There is no bank. There's only a pool. Numbered and red balls are bid for. Right. Right. How?

Because the red ball is basically a joker. It can be anything. So you can use a red ball to fill in the gap, right? Stop touching the table, you fucking chunky-handed nimrod. I like that. Yeah, a nimrod. I like that. I like that. A red ball, act as a joker, must be placed immediately on the player's board in any numbered pocket hit of their choice.

Once placed, the red ball can only be replaced if you pull out the number of ball that you want it to be. So if I put it in one. Okay, so it works like a blank in Scrabble. Yeah, yeah. Apart from an open auction, which takes place when you draw a ball, if you have one last space you have to fill in a line, that has to be a blind auction. So if you know you've got five to get.

I still don't understand how the auction works. How am I auctioning? Trading. Don't we need other people and like someone? Hang on. The highest bidder takes the ball. So we just gamble. So if you go, I want that ball, I'm going to put 10 grand in. I go, I'll put 15 in. And then you go go I don't have enough money or that's too hot for me and you don't take the ball and I win it

that's too what? so the person who let's just go through bit by bit it's my go right? so I'm going to draw a ball

and then depending on the number value of it we bid for who wants it more why don't you go first? I am Christ here we go this is

23 right so you have you could do with 23 but I don't know so. Right. So you have... You could do with 23, but I don't know. It's next to one of these. So I say what? You have to put down...

What's your first bid? Well, doesn't the auction master have to go... One pound. A thousand. A thousand. You have to do it in... A thousand is your first bid

for the first person. So I'm going to say I want that for a thousand. Do you want 23 more? If so, you can go a thousand or two thousand. I'll go five. So that means I have to do more than five,

or do I just put another one on? I'm going to do another one. That's now seven grand in the pot. It shouldn't be in the pot. We're just bidding. How are we meant to bid? This isn't working. You put it down.

Put the cash down. You haven't done seven. That goes into the pool. You've put two in. I know. You put five, and I've put one on top of that. Do I have to put another five on top of that, basically? Of course you do.

Oh, I don't know gambling, because I'm not a fucking retro bait. It's an auction, Paul. Oh, my word. Right, in that case, yeah, I'll put one on top of that. Do I have to put another five on top of that, basically? Of course you do. Oh, I don't know gambling because I'm not a fucking retro bait. It's an auction, Paul. Oh, my word. Right, in that case, yeah, I'll put six grand down. Five and a six. Right, put it at your side of the fucking table because it's not all... It all goes in the same pot. It doesn't go in a pot.

That's when you play poker or something goes in a pot. Right, okay, well, then do that. This is an auction. You're bidding. You don't have to pay it. If you lose the auction, you don't pay it. I will do your bidding. Does it involve a rim job with Around the World?

Yeah, but I just want to go Around the World. Can I do it in a Hessian sack? I want to go full Palin. I want to go Around the World. You know what Around the World is? It's when you give them a blowie and then rim job or something. Oh, at the same time? Like a rusty trombone?

I don't know. It's one of those old term... Is it a rusty trombone? It's one of those... Whenever there's a joke about prostitution in an old film, it's one of the services offered. But I never found out what it was. She took me for a winking around the world.

No, but I guess it's just everything, isn't it? It's like you can have a feel of the tits for a fiver. Spoff in my hand for 15. The full job is around the world. Yeah, you can go around the world for 20 quid. Vaginal intercourse. It might not be or you might be really into armpits

people are yeah I know there's back of the knee I used to get that mag just for just for a mag armpit fuckers monthly it's called sweaty helmet it's

not called sweaty helmet yes it is it's called the pits like your life fuck off right right so we've come up against something Paul here

which is a problem with us playing this week's edition of Gatling's Golden Games. You don't understand what an auction is. No. Right, well, put your money down there, then, that you put. So, you should have what? Here, I don't want to.

Can we have someone? You're meant to be running this auction. You put... Right. I'm bidding 6,000. Right. Okay, good. I don't want it, so, therefore, you pay that.

You can't beat 6,000. Yeah. So, you get to win that ball. Okay. Right. Your go. So, I'd lose this money, then, or I'd keep hold of it? so therefore you pay that you can't beat six yeah so you get to win that ball okay right your go so I'd lose this money then or do I keep hold of it I thought it was like poker

where you put money into a pot no that's a pot if you bid you say I'll pay six and then the other guy says I'll pay seven and then he gets to buy it for seven you don't have to then

pay your six as well what was the ball you just pulled out fifteen put it on there so we can see it any interest in that I have to auction it anyway don't know

yeah who starts the bidding guys pulled the ball yeah is it definitely yeah i want to hear the rule it literally says it starts the bidding whoever draw the ball yes it does so that means you have to put a thousand down at least to get it going all right i'll start the bidding can i start higher than a thousand yeah if you want i'll start a thousand all right then i don't want it so you can have that i'll have that one right my. I'm going to pull a ball out now. Put another pellet in 15. I'm going to put a pellet in 15, aren't I? All right, good.

Next one. Here we go. Are you looking at it? How can I do it? It's random still. You're looking inside it. This is seven. Oh, I need seven.

I mean, whatever. Then I want, I'm going to do £1,000 on that for seven. Hang on, this is a shred a bit. A very important and enjoyable part of tough luck is buying and selling balls. Trading is informal and continuous. Players are allowed to buy and sell any number of red balls they have on their tray, except that no player is allowed to buy a ball to complete a line of five. So if I had to get one more, I couldn't buy it off you.

Obviously, players selling balls keep the proceeds of the sale, so increasing their available capital for future bidding. Ah. So in rounds, you could ask for one of mine. We could trade off for it. I don't see why you need seven. I do. Because I'm going to get a line across there, aren't I?

Yeah, but you can't go where someone else has been, can you? They're mine, you dickhead, eight and nine. They're not yours. Here's your pellets telling me where they are. Yeah, but if you get seven, I want to either end. Yeah, but I can only trade for them, can't I? So I want seven, so I put 1,000 down. Yeah, fuck it, take it.

All right, fine, easy. Easy money. I'm pulling a ball out. Right. Oh. 11. 11. Oh, it's there.

I don't want it. You can have it. This is so shit. This is the worst. Go on, you've won 11. My go. Can you put a pellet in for 11 then? Yeah, I've done it.

Right, mate. I want your six. I want it for 10. I'm going to give you 10 for your six. I want that six bad. I want that six good. I decide whether I accept that or not. Yeah.

Go fuck yourself. No. I'll never buy it. You will never. What do you mean? That's the whole point of the game. I'll go to my grave. What do you mean?

You can't do that. Well, what does it say? The buyer is obliged. What does will never. What do you mean? That's the whole point of the game. I'll go to my grave. What do you mean? You can't do that. Well, what does it say? The buyer is obliged. What does it, you know what I mean? It hasn't made that clear. Trading is informal and continuous. Players are allowed to buy and sell any number of numbered or red balls. Already out the ball-o-matic, except that no player is allowed to buy.

Red, red. Only the red ones you can sell. Numbered and red, it said. So the only ones you can't trade are the ones that you need to complete your row. Yes. So I want that 6 for 10.

Yeah, but I'm not going to be selling that. How about that? Obviously, players selling balls keep the proceeds of the sale. You cannot purchase.

Mate, well then I'm fucked. Yeah. What do you mean, yeah? You shouldn't be trying to fucking buy balls off me. Well, then I want 15. Because six is... You said you're going to keep six.

I want 15. You can't. I'm not going to sell you any balls. No, you have to sell... What do you mean you're not? I don't. Read me where it says the buyer has to sell when he's made an offer.

It's informal. When a player asks for trading to begin, the other player must meet the first matching bid. Oh, hand me that. You are so lying. Good acting, Paul. Trying to pretend that he's reading.

It's quite hard, isn't it, to make it sound like you're reading. Yeah. I did a good job, though, didn't I? No, I didn't. No, I knew you.

The other player must. So what you're saying is I can't complete that line at all during this game because you refuse to sell me anything. Well, I might get into a position where I want

one of yours, then we can talk business. All right. Okay, that's fair enough. Why would I sell you? In that case, fine. I'll draw a ball instead. Draw a ball.

Take your 10 grand back. I didn't take your filth money. 17. You have to bid 1,000. I'm going to bid 1,000 then for 17. It doesn't say what happens if you don't want the number ball. Two.

Two. You can have it then for that. All right, there you go. He wins that. Eli, you're the next to shake the balls. Stick your thing in 17. 17. My pellet is in 17.

Oh, I'm going to produce a ball. Isn't this thrilling? Isn't it a thrilling game? Tough luck. 20. There. Do you want 20 particularly? Do you want 20?

Do you want 20? And what are you going to pay for 20? I have to bid a grand. I'm just going to say 20 then. This is terrible. In the back of my head, what, this game? Yeah. Yeah.

Really bad. It's not clear. I think with more players, then the sales makes more sense. Because do you know what I mean? Yeah. Because you're trying to beat... Do you see what I mean? Yeah, but it's not like...

If I'm trying to beat you, why would I ever help you? But also, it says things like, if a ball is not bid for, it goes to the player who draws it. I should have read that bit first. We didn't have to pay all that money for balls we didn't want. Oh, fuck. Well, from this point on, then, we just will take a ball. No, you've got to take your grand back for all those balls.

No, we'll keep the grand in. That's fine. Oh, this is fucked now. And you get to have 20 now, don't you? That's good. You get money back for the balls that we shouldn't have picked. You've got no clue how an auction works, do you? I've watched Bargain Hunt.

I've watched Bargain Hunt. Here, here, here. Don't do that. Here, here, here. Right. Right, from this point on, we're good. Right, your go.

Are you recording again? Yes, I'm still, I've not stopped recording. Okay. We're 28 minutes deep into this and half the time we've taken up with you discussing the words tough nut. Right, so what's happened now? Your ball, pull a ball out. stop recording. Okay. We're 28 minutes deep into this and half the time we're taking up with you discussing

the words tough nut. Right. So what's happening now? Your ball. Pull a ball out. We found out ladies and gentlemen that you don't

have to pay the grand that you bid. If no one wants the ball then it's just draw it. Red ball. Right. That could be anything

you want mate. So where would you like you've got to leave it on this auction plate. You don't know where you're going to put it but do you want it? How much do you want that red bull?

Do you need that red bull? You want that red bull, don't you? Come on. You want that shiny red bull, Mr. Silverman. Are you going to bid for it? Yeah. Yeah? 20 grand.

Oh, it's a bit rich for Mr. Gannon. Hang on. Hang on. Let me think. What have I got? One, two. Can I match 20 Or do I have to do 21

21 don't I Yeah 21 How about that 30 Oh Right you win I didn't want it in the first place

I just wanted you to pay A little bit of blood money Didn't I A little bit of danger cash Yeah you fucking idiot Looks like someone's Going to be having to get That six or ten up

Sometime soon aren't they I'll have to sell them Isn't it funny how the rules work, ladies and gentlemen? Oh, how the tectonic plates of this game shift. Come on. Produce a pearl-like pre-cum

nugget. I have drawn 25. Oh, that's nice. That would go there. That would help you fill that bottom line up potentially, wouldn't it? Yeah, it could, couldn't it? I'm going to put down for this. I don't know. I'm not going to be crazy.

Five. I'm going to set off a five for that. How are you doing? Oh, he's too rich. You just got to pay for it. No, remember, we don't because you didn't want to bid for it. Ha, ha, ha, ha. All of a sudden, it's beginning to make sense, the machinations of this game.

And Mr. Gannon's been playing the fool, but actually, like Geppetto himself, he's been playing with Dirty Little Pinocchio in the dark. Oh, God. Nons joke number two. It's a piece of wood. Oh, it's gone on the floor again. It's a piece of wood he's touching up. It's not a real boy, is it?

No, but he becomes one. It's like a sex doll more than anything else. I've pulled out number 12. 12. Do you want 12? I don't particularly. If you want it you can have it. I've already... No what's that? That's 17. You had 17 in the 12 because apparently you don't know numbers. I don't want 12. Well then you can just take it then because I don't want it. Right my turn. I've got eyes. Eyes on the back of my head. I've got eyes. Eyes in the back of my head i've got eyes eyes in the back of my head i've got a red ball now what am i gonna do here because that's 15 and that should be there why have you put all your balls in the wrong place because it's i and you haven't it was above or below it goes below otherwise you'd have to put it on the plastic bit there, which makes no sense. Yeah, but that only works for the top row.

Mate, you are failing hard, minute by minute in this game. And I, I've greased up, I'm proud, I'm about to take it all the way to Hyman Town. Sue it down. I'm going to get that prostate and give it a black eye. You're going to give it a suet plunger. Right, so I want this. Are you going to do a hairy suet plunger?

I'm going to put down just one for this. The red? Yeah, I want red, but I'm going to start off cheeky. Come on. No, do you want to... Where does this go? It doesn't go anywhere. There's one there as well, isn't there?

Yes, that's where my balls are. Yes. Right, so I'm bidding one grand for that special red. Do you want that red more, Mr. Silverman? Look at that bottom row. Maybe you could do with a red ball there. Maybe you could do with a red ball one. Do you see that red more, Mr. Silverman? Look at that bottom row. Maybe you could do with a red ball there. Maybe you could do with a red ball one. Do you see that line down here?

All my money. How much is that? How much is that? It's not much, is it? Nine grand. Nine grand. I will meet that nine grand and put down ten. And you can't outbid me.

So I have now got a nice red ball, which is going in the ten hole. Lovely, lovely, lovely. Now things get dirty. Come on, Mr. Silverman, shake your pot. What have you got? Oh, number... Ten.

No, I've got... Oh, no, because I've got ten. Ah, interesting. What happens there? I think, uh... Read the instructions. It's not what you bloody think. It's never what you think.

A red ball acts as a joker and must be placed immediately on the player's board in a numbered pocket of his or her choice. Once placed, the red ball may only be moved if replaced by the appropriately numbered ball. So basically, what you can do is put it in your grid and I'd have to give you money if you wanted to put it on your grid. No, put it there. You haven't won it yet. You have to bid.

This is so stupid. Come on, bid for that ball. You want the number 10, don't you, to stick it to me. How much are you going to bid? For 10. All my money. Nine again? Yeah.

No, I'm just going to put 10 down again. That's stupid. This game is pointless. 10. You have to take it. I've won that ball. And then that red goes in the pot. Bosh.

You know what you'll never be buying from me? What? Number 11. No, mate, I'm going to wait this out until you're out of cash and you need it. Otherwise, you can't go. Because you can only get a ball if you win the money and you want it. So, mate, grab all the balls you want. What's that?

18. 18 he's got. How much do you want 18? I don't. Right. Well, then just, what is it, 18? You have to have it. No, I don't.

If you've drawn it, you take it. So you put it on your grid. Because I don't want it. Right, next. My go. Pair it in. Dear listener, this is a real letdown of a golden game. It has no interest.

Oh, number five. That could go there or there, couldn't it? Where could it go? Number five. Do you want five? Do you want to bid for it? Do you want to auction it? No, you have to bid.

One grand. Do you want it bad? Do you want that? How much do you want that five? I don't. You don't? Oh, I'm having it then. Thank you.

Your goat. Ball. Draw a then. Thank you. Your go. Ball. Draw a ball. Do you know what gets tiresome? What? The action of this fucking thing. It's not. I'm enjoying it. It's tranquil. What ball? Don't take the ball out. You haven't won it yet. Three. Do you want three? No, you can have it. Right. I'm going to draw a ball. Put a pellet in three. Right, I'm going to draw a ball.

Put a pellet in your three. Do it for me. Oh, it's another red. Oh, what do I do with that red? Now, let me have a look. Hmm, what can I do? I know, I'm going to yeah, alright, five for that red. Five grand, I want that red.

I want it. Do you want that red? Nine. Nine? Alright, cool, I'll have it. You can have it. Where do you want to put it? Can you put the cash in the pool? Right, good. Oh, you've got two reds. That's fascinating. Well cool, I'll have it. You can have it. Where do you want to put it? Can you put the cash in the pool? Right, good. Oh, you've got two reds. That's fascinating.

Well done, Mr. Silverman. And I've paid that five. All good. Now, oh, you've got no money. You don't pay the five. Yeah, oh yeah, that's right, because I let you win it. You don't understand. Alright, okay, calm down.

Calm down. Alright, you've got no money. Now we can talk. Right, okay. I'm just going to draw a ball okay yeah let's have a little look at this oh it's four do you want four mr silverman no all right i'll just have that then your go mr silverman draw a ball 13 13 do you want 13 you may i don't want it right my go put a pellet in there.

Put a pellet in 13. Black ball, which means I must remove one of mine off the grid and put it back in the tube. I'm going to put in. I'm going to put the 26 in. Go. You're going to do it. I got confused.

You're trying to cheat. I got confused. He's doing very dodgy stuff. The video will show it. I can't remember what I was meant to do. 19. Oh, I've won do 19 Oh I've won What?

I've won What? I've gone across Hey! What? Unless you want to bet What's the You haven't read the rules

This Can I just say This is a shit game This is a game This is a shit game What I didn't see that Well But

What happens when you get the one that's going to win for you? Do you still have an auction for that one? It's too late now because you've won and I took my eye off the ball. So you've won. Cannon's Golden Game. Cannon's Golden Game. Who would you would? I would you would.

Cannon's Golden Game. No one would. And no one is. He's coming down the lane with Cannon's Golden Game. Who would you would? Paul would you? Cannon's Golden Game. That's it.? Paul, would you with Cannons Golden Games? That's it.

We're overdone. Fuck off. Right, well, on that bombshell, it's goodbye from us. Paul, what did you think of that? Not very good. It was maybe, as you said, it might have been better with more players. Yes, there'd be more trading and stuff. There'd be more trading strategy.

But it's got gaps in its logic. Like, what do you do when you don't want a ball? What do you do when you need to replace it? Or've got a red in but you draw the ball there's so many what ifs i know i think what they imply in the rules is that basically oh you've sorted out this is the gist of it free market yeah it's not a fun game not a fun game at all and my hubris was ill-founded yes it certainly was yeah so anyway, we are doing our 200th episode live on the evening of October 9th. The big 2-0-0.

8pm UK Standard Time. Big style. GMT on Twitch. Daddy potato cakes. There'll be information on the website, thecheapshow.co.uk. Also, if you'd like to support this podcast for some reason on Patreon,

go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show. Give what you can, if you can, and it is deeply appreciated some reason on on patreon go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show give what you can if you can and it is deeply appreciated and you'll have access to podcasts and videos and magazines and all sorts of lovely stuff charlie mount for nana we're also on twitter at the cheap show pod i'm at paul gannon show eli is eli snowy d l i s n o ideas the spelling and we do have a laugh on Twitter, so please join us and talk about the episodes there. We're on Instagram,

we're on Facebook. Email us about anything you want, thecheapshow at gmail.com. That's right. And that is it. We have some lovely surprises

for episode 200. Lovely. We're planning it this week. Please spread the word, share and enjoy, review on iTunes, or whatever. Next week,

we're going to have a little bit of the old... Yeah, we're going to try the movie review episode again. I thought we'd do that next week. Oh, that's what we're doing, yeah. Next week, ladies and gentlemen, Die Hard 5 is what we're doing. Charity shop fine.

50p. Would you like to Die Hard? Yeah. Or they call it Angel something. Angel Cock. Angel Cock. I don't think it's called Angel. Isn't it called Fairy Angel?

You know what? Angel Cock was an ill-fated idea by the angel delight people to do a chicken flavoured moose. That is a disgusting idea. Angel cock. Oh, God. Chicken moose. No, what's that thing when you die with an erection that's called angel lust? I don't know.

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