CheapShow - Ep 198: A Good Day To Walk Hard

Episode Date: October 2, 2020

This one's been brewing for a while... This week, Paul and Eli dust off the second hand Blu-Ray player, grab a dirt cheap movie from a charity shop and give it a proper CheapShow evaluation. However, this film may be too much for the cheap chaps as it is one of Paul's (and soon to be Eli's) most hated films... "A Good Day to Die Hard", the painful 5th entry into the Die Hard franchise. Will it break them both? What will they do when they can't take any more? Is there a Plan B? You'll find out this week, just as soon as they both stop trying to invent disgusting rides at a CheapShow Theme Park first! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-198-a-good-day-to-walk-hard If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Paul is writing a book! Want to help make it happen? https://unbound.com/books/ghosts/

Attention, attention. Cheap Show will be live on Twitch to celebrate its 200th episode. And you can watch it live on Twitch. Eli, what's the date they can watch it on? October the 9th. Oh, bloody hell. That's Friday night, isn't it? What time? 8pm. 8pm British Summer Time, Paul. Yes, BST. And that's UK time, everybody. UK time. Whether it's British Summer Time or GMT, UK time covers UK time whether it's British summertime or GMT

UK time covers it but it happens to be British summertime but you have to work out what time of day that is for you depending on where in the world you are

October the 9th 8pm British summertime right and where can they watch it it's twitch.tv forward slash

cheap show etc and etc is spelt ETC just the letters Paul just the letters slash cheap show etc and etc is spelt etc just the letters just the letters so cheap show etc join us on what day october the 9th at 8 p.m british summertime twitch.tv forward slash cheap show etc and it's going to be a fun evening there's going to be all sorts going on oh we're going to be recording it in a studio there's going to be cameras we've got a guest door too we've got all your favorite segments oh it's going to be a lark so join us and don't worry if you think if you miss out and you don't catch the episode on twitch

live it will be hosted on youtube and also the following friday we're releasing that live event as a podcast october the 9th 8 p.m brit Summer Time at twitch.tv forward slash cheapshowetc and the etc spelled E-T-C Paul yes good you can read

you fucking monkey boy that's what you wanted fuck right so without further ado that's the admin let's crack up

crack up crack in crack out let's crack off crack one off crack one off let's crack one off and watch

and listen and experience the Cheap Show podcast, episode 198, whatever this is. What is this? 198. Episode pod. Yeah. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles It's just a fact of cheap show

You're gonna have to learn to fucking accept Cheap show Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap. Cheap Show. It's the price of shite. Paul Gannon. Eli Silverman. Welcome to Cheap Show.

And I go and I nuzzle. Hello, boys and girls, ladies and chilli spoons. Welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast with me and Eli Silverman over there. Hello. We go for the bargain bins and charity shops, the rummage sales and jumbled plans of Great Britain and bring you the treasure we find amongst the trash. And this week, oh, boy howdy, we're doing something a little bit different.

Oh, those rummage sales. Oh, yeah. Tasty. Oh, those rummage sales. Get down in the rummage. I'm just going to let him carry on with this. Get down in the rummage. Get out of his system now. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Rummage time. Ladies and gentlemen, in is G-Show time. Get down in the clusters. Get down in the rummage. I can't give up this early into the podcast. What do you mean, give up? I can't mentally give up. Hello, Paul. Well, give me something to do then.

I did. And you just went, oh, rummage. Rummage, rummage, rummage. That's all you do is repeat sounds. All right. Yeah? Anyway, on this week's episode... What's coming up on the show? I was going to say, what's coming up on the show?

Let's do that now. Ready? What's coming up on... Ladies and gentlemen, we are doing something we did a little while ago. We are going to dive in to our local second time...

Ah, movie time. It's movie time. Popcorn, get out the butter. Melt it a bit and... All the time. Get out the popcorn. Get out the butter. Melt it a bit and all the splatter all over the popcorn. What are you splashing on popcorn? My hot butter, Paul.

Yeah, your hot belly butter, aren't you? Belly nut butter. Belly nut butter. Ladle on the belly hot nut butter. So. Ladle.

Ladle. Ladle on the belly hot butter. So. Liddle. Liddle. Liddle on the belly hot butter. Thank you, yes. See, I put these ideas out there. You refine them. You nuance them. You shave off the little edges. I shave off the edges, do I?

You round off the edges, yeah. All right, give me something else I can shave off. That's just noise. You can do something with that. Can't you do something with that? What? Blah, blah. Yeah, you can't with that? What? Blah. Blah. Blah.

Yeah, you can't. You change it to words. Oh, right. Okay. Punch it up. Come on, man. It's Tasmanian Devil's Turn, though. Oh.

From the Looney Tunes cartoon show. I don't like not using you to punch up my bits anymore. Don't punch up your bits. I'd like to punch up your bits quite considerably. Yeah? Yeah, just spread your legs. Imagine, like one of those fairground punch balls. Imagine one of those fairground punch balls. You know those fairground punch balls? But they were testicles.

You're hoisted above. You're hoisted above on a crane and then someone puts a saline injection into your bollocks. What does that do? Fucking gives them some proper purchase weight. The saline just fills out the balls and swells them.

Have you seen those weird people who are into having huge ball sacks? No. Of course I haven't. They're real. And they're huge. So people fake the size of their balls by injecting them with saline. Their fetish is, I want to have the biggest nuts. Like proper Johnny Bollocks, whatever his name is.

What was the name of that guy from Viz? Johnny Big Bollocks. Johnny Big Bollocks, I don't know. Johnny Bollocks, he was called. But wouldn't that be uncomfortable? Because just sitting and walking. Yeah, no, it's a total, it's a deformation. You know, it's like one of those ones where your fetish gets to the extent where it's actually,

I've just seen this video of this guy getting in a shower and he's soaping down. I'm God, what video is this? It's like the side of a mountain. You know what I mean? It's the scree of his bollock side. His scrotal scree. It's like the bit of the mountain where the trees

aren't so many trees. What are you talking about? Anyway, so you get me on a crane. So it is you now? No, we're going to the idea. Yes. It's a fairground

of your dreams. And I'm on a crane. Someone's giving me a lot of saline, perhaps for a the idea, yes. Yeah. It's a fairground. Right. Of your dreams. And I'm on a crane. Someone's given me a lot of saline, perhaps a two-week course of saline. So there's been a lot of prep. Maybe implants as well, Paul. I consider implants. You consider what?

And then you punch me in the nuts. Punch my bits up. And we're back. We're back round. I've done it. I've pulled this bit back what happened what is coming up

I don't know all the talk of boxing your balls punching up your balls has thrown me considerably it'll throw you mate if I punch your balls what about then

you know those things at the fairground where like there's a clown's face with a hot mouth and you gotta spray the water how about instead of a clown's mouth come in this fucking clown's face with a hot mouth and you've got to spray the water with it. How about instead of a clown's mouth?

Come in this fucking clown's mouth! No! What I'm thinking of... Stand on, you could get one of those nice men to put you on a... So you're stood up on the bit that you're usually... The counter, is what I'm talking about. And then you could probably get...

Stop ruining my plans! You could probably get spunk into one of those clowns' mouths. No. No. The idea is a bit more refined than that. So, you know, like you spray a water gun into a clown's mouth and the balloon blows up in its head? Yeah.

Swap out the clown's face for a gaping goatsy. A goat? Oh, here we go. Oh, who's fucking swallowed the Urban Dictionary this week? A goatsy, when you pull your arse cheeks apart. Why is that a goatee? I've never heard of this. I am on.

That's a moon. I am squatted on a skateboard with two ropes on either end, and I'm push and pulled across the side as I pull my arse cheeks apart. Oh, no. And a small child fires a water pistol up my arsehole, and they win a balloon. It's a winner, Paul. It's a winner.

I'm just saying, we could swap out fun fair rides and attractions just for bobbling. Yeah, you're going with it. I like it. This week, you're going with it. You took my idea

of the bollock punch bag. Bollock punch bag. Now we've got the clown face arse water squirting device. And goatee water fun game. What else is there we could do?

Roller coaster into a fanny. It's a bit crude but... As the roller coaster shakes like a massive cock and then there's a splash at the end.

Splash pool, splash mountain. Gash mountain, we could call it. We've peaked too early this week. Goodbye everyone. Gash mountain, we could call the episode Gash mountain. No, we're not calling the episode. Do you know where Gash Mountain, we can call it. We've peaked too early this week. Goodbye, everyone. Gash Mountain, we can call the episode Gash Mountain.

No, we're not calling the episode. There's a range of mountains. Is it in Disneyland? Well, you've got Gash Mountain, and then the next peak along is King Kong's Cum Cave. King Kong's Cum Cave. That's hard to say. And the poultice farm.

You can pet the poultices. No, you can't. Poultices is an inanimate tool. Are they? Yes. Yeah, but you can anthropomorphise them, can't you? No, that's what a skiddy's... I mean, a scribble.

Well, we'd have Matt Gropp pants, wouldn't we? Matt Gropp pants? Matt Gropp pants. No, Mount Gropp pants. Oh, yeah. There's three mountains. What's the first one? Gash Mountain.

Then King Kong's Cum Cave. Which is another rollercoaster. It's a mountain with a cave in it. Yeah. A sticky cave. Well, the splash pool

is inside the cave. It's a very wet theme park. And then Mount Groppans. Yeah, we've got Mounts. Or like a replica Mount Groppans. And the House of Pickles Haunted House.

God, we've got a theme park waiting to go yeah and oh Eli's Silverman's Platter tea cups or something

like it's a giant vinyl yeah and you can spin around on a vinyl thing I don't know have an actual DJ booth in the centre

oh come on boys and girls this one's you know scream if you want to go faster yeah yes yes yes yes yes yes oh yes girls this one's you know scream if you want to go faster yeah this is all you know what

scrap this episode we're going to dedicate it all now come on we've got stuff to do this week we've got an agenda right so here's the plan a A few months ago, maybe longer than that, I can't remember now, we reviewed a cheap Blu-ray, DVD, stroke whatever. It was about a year ago, I think. Maybe.

Yeah. From a local CEX. CEX or any second hand, anywhere we find a cheap Blu-ray, and it tickles our fancy, we all considered doing a review. That was 50p, the Keith Lemon, wasn't it?

Not even worth 50p. It was... It's just, you know... Time's changed. We said if we were going to do this again, we wouldn't pick a comedy film because I wanted to do the Harry Hill movie because that was pretty bad.

But I thought, you know what? I think that's right, Paul. We are, at heart, an economy comedy podcast. So it's a clash, isn't it? Yeah. Bad comedy... And bad podcast. Do not mix.

No. In fact, the highlight of that episode, the one that people seem to remember, is when you threw a pooey DVD cassette. Pooey. The toilet was clean. Not cassette. What am I saying?

Cassette. DVD. DVD case at me. Yeah. It had been in the toilet water. A little bit. That's like something out of Big Brother. You know what I mean?

That's why it's like throwing you're throwing rocks in the Big Brother glass house no that doesn't work as an analogy it fucking does no

I'm working on all sorts of levels all through the infrastructure of everything climb up here pull down that go around there

come round here here we go fucking hell so what we decided to do instead of a comedy film or anything like that there's a film that's been a bugbear of mine for a while Go round there. Come round here. Here we go. Fucking hell. So what we decided to do, instead of a comedy film or anything like that, there's a film that's been a bugbear of mine for a while.

I saw it on Blu-ray and CEX, £1.50. Oh, is it £1.50? Yeah, I regret buying it for £1.50. Let me see the price sticker. I can confirm people, £1.50. Today we are... It's all right for a Blu-ray, isn't it? Got extras? Yeah, because you've got to remember,

these have been around for a while, Blu-ray. Best quality picture. Apparently so. 1080p. So, we are reviewing today and watching the fifth sequel. Is it the fifth sequel if it's number five? No, it's the fourth sequel.

It's the fourth sequel to the popular film Die Hard. It is Bruce Willis in A Good Day to Slack Off. Extended harder cut apparently. Do you know what I hate about the Americans? Everything. Especially cowboys. American? Yeah. New York?

Are you a cop? Yeah. It's gonna be loud. How'd you know I was a cop you don't look like a lawyer Jack dad this is what you've been doing double oh seven Oh Plainfield New Jersey, you're safe now. Contact! Save my ass. This guy's bad news. Terrorism.

Weapons grade uranium. Nukes. Someone's gotta stop him. Atta boy. Down! Knock knock. Whoa. What is this, a pirate gun?

It's old school. Like you, right? Right. I guess you've done this before. Don't encourage him. Me and my boy here. We're gonna put a weapon on you really really so high is he You go looking for trouble, or does it always find you? I still ask myself the same question.

Good day to slack off. Yeah, because no one gave a fuck making this. All right, so that's your comment. What's the actual title of the film? A Good Day to Die Hard. All right. Which I believe is like some kind of Russian phrase. It's a good day to die.

Yes. And it sounds very Bond-y, doesn't it again? Yeah. It does. You have a good point, actually. But no, it's not... They always flirted with being a sort of Bond-like franchise, didn't they? From the second film is essentially...

Die Hard 2 has a lot of Bond-y moments in it. Bond with... What's his name? Bruce Willis. Yeah. John McClane. So, we'll get into... Okay, so the reason

why I wanted to do this was because I've seen a lot of bad fucking films in my time and I can kind of go, yeah, whatever. But Die Hard 5 was the first film

I was genuinely angry, watching, jarring and nearly walked out of. Paul, this has something to do with your background with the franchise. The fact that you love the first film, for example.

True, but I would say it's almost, in your affections, almost sort of number two to Ghostbusters, isn't it? Die Hard's up there. Yeah. It's up there. So that's why you're angry.

Do you see what I mean? No. See, to some extent, that informs a large part of why I'm disappointed with Die Hard 5. But I also think, as a standalone movie,

if I had never seen a Die Hard film in my life and I went to see Die Hard 5 but I also think as a standalone movie if I had never seen a Die Hard film in my life and I went to see the fifth one I would still have had the same what the fuck is this yeah but you probably

would have just dismissed it and stopped watching or walked out of the cinema you know what I mean either way I think I only stuck with it

you would have stuck with it and thought how much are they fucking the legacy of what I used to love so I tell you what let's go through the Die Hard franchise very

quickly and just with our gut feelings of how we let's go through the Die Hard franchise very quickly and just with our gut feelings of how we feel about it. So obviously Die Hard 1, everyone loves Die Hard 1. I saw Die Hard 1 in the cinema and I think I was in the States

at the time. Oh wow. Yeah, so it was... So that was an exciting experience. It was. Because I saw it on VHS with my dad. Yeah, I saw it

on the big screen, baby. Cool. Bet it would look good on the big screen. It was great and it was one of those films from that era like Back to the Future had the same effect where you leave you actually leave the cinema and you're like exhilarated you know it does leave you leave you with a really kind of

yay feeling at the end of that film i mean there's there's problems with it you look back on it there's things not that many but it's there's the weird thing we were talking about it the other day weren't we that this script had been changed a lot. Lots of different writers. Yeah. But McTiernan seems to be able to take creative control. He puts a stamp on it. And get the best out of the script.

The best he can, you know. For Christmas this year, my girlfriend got me the Die Hard visual history book. It's a nice thick book. Coffee table-y. It's about all the Die Hard films. Right? More than half of the book is about the first Die Hard. Yeah. And then a nice thick book, coffee table-y. It's about all the die-hard films, right? More than half of the book is about the first die-hard.

Yeah, well, that makes sense. And then a big chunk of it is two, and a little chunk is three. When you have to get to four and five, it's like,

yeah, they made this. Yeah, yeah. Move on. There's nothing, there's hardly anything about four and five in those books. Well, they're terrible films.

But I haven't seen five. The book is... I haven't seen three properly either, which I regret. Yeah, three's a kick-ass one. You really need to see three. So that's basically,

that's the received wisdom of the ranking of them. Number one is number one. Number three is number two. Number two is number three. Number four is number four. And number five is number ten. It's just bad.

So, but they talk about how... It's worse than actual, like, die-hard films that you can just conceive of. Yeah, it's worse than the knock-off die-hards. It's worse than Under Siege. It's worse than The Rock. worse than the knock-off die-hards. It's worse than Under Siege.

It's worse than The Rock. It's worse than fucking Sudden Death. So die-hard, you know, came at the end of an era where most heroes were like Rambo

or Schwarzenegger. They were huge, bulked-up one-man armies. That's what I mean. It was an innovation towards a more humorous... A more vulnerable action hero.

Yeah. Yeah. Which, by the time we get to five, is all thrown out the fucking window. So Die Hard 1 comes out. Everyone fucking loves it. I remember loving it. I remember being thrilled.

I loved the idea of being on your own, trapped in a building full of baddies, and you have to fight your way out. And I became a fan of those knockoffs. I love Cliffhanger. I love Under Siege. I love... Cliffhanger, I remember being quite exciting.

Cliffhanger's wicked. Cliffhanger's one of the great diehard knockoffs right and it manages to would you say the best diehard knockoff oh

maybe alright maybe I mean Sudden Death's a lot of fun the Jean-Claude Van Damme one yeah but Van Damme yeah you know

it all depends on if you like Van Damme I think Stallone's better leading man than Van Damme but what are the ones The Rock is a pretty good diehard knockoff people like going on about speed but I would say speed's not really it's own thing Rock is a pretty good die-hard knockoff. People like going on about speed, but I would say speed's not really...

It's own thing. Yeah, it's not really a die-hard knockoff. There were a lot of speed knockoffs after Speed, weren't there? I saw a fucking film when I was living in LA that got a test screening. I was part of the test audience for it. And I think it was called like Zero Moment or Below Zero or something like that.

But it was Speed. No, it was a knockoff of Speed. But the gimmick was these two guys come across a bomb and this bomb has to be kept below a certain temperature otherwise it blows up so they're running around they have to steal an ice cream van the bad guys are after the crank or something like that it's basically a speed it's shit film don't get me wrong it's shit film and i left a very poor review on the test audience screen really yeah but then i remember seeing do you think it ever got ever came out? Oh yeah,

definitely came out but it was a straight to DVD release. Maybe you should watch that one time. Maybe, if we can find it. But it's definitely one of those.

It starts with that guy from Scream, the one who ends up being the murderer in Scream, Skeet Ulrich. Ah. Yeah,

he's in it. It was like him and Cuba Gunning Jr. were in it. Okay. They were both fresh off 90s hits. So Diary 2 comes out

a few years later and it's, you know, bigger, badder, it's a lot of, bigger, badder. It's a lot of fun. I saw that in the cinema as well.

Oh, I didn't see that. I didn't see my first Die Hard. I think I saw that. We used to go on trips from boarding school. When was Die Hard 2? 87? No, Die Hard was 88. So I think Die Hard was 1990. Die Hard 2?

Die Hard 2 was 1990, yeah. I seem to remember maybe going to seeing it at Milton Keynes Centrepoint. Oh, exciting. You know, the pyramid. Is it called the pyramid in Milton Keynes? That one.

Yeah. It was like the first multiplex or whatever. Yeah, that must have been exciting though to see a big film on big screen. I remember enjoying

Die Hard 2 as well. Die Hard 2 was a lot of fun but when you watch it back It's not great. No, it's fine but it's more like a Bond film. By the time you get

to the ending like the last half hour the jet ski sequence for a start the snow ski sequence Ah, there's a whole thing, yeah. It's very, but it's more like a Bond film. By the time you get to the ending, like the last half hour, isn't that the jet ski sequence for a start? The snow ski sequence? Ah, there's a whole thing, yeah. It's very Bond-like, but I like the bad guys in it. I like the denouement.

I like the twist that the army, you think, are there to protect them actually working for the bad guys because of the whole blanks and real... Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's really good. But you begin to see the stretching of the format at that point where it's like,

same shit happens to the same guy twice. I can't believe it. So that's what I was going to say so it's still it's built built on the same sort of coincidence yeah and as soon as that happens twice to one character it's already yeah the credibility's gone completely isn't it and already already in two he has to go oh do you do you believe this yeah i can't i can't believe this happening again what do you know i'm the only guy you can see which is fine because like otherwise

you wouldn't have a sequel anyway are they doing the fifth one as well I'm here again no the fifth one's worse I'll tell you when we get to it

I'll tell you why so Die Hard 2 comes out lots of fun some of my favourite sequences come from Die Hard 2 like the bit where

they throw the grenades into the cockpit doesn't he blow up the airplane at the end as they spoil it yeah he throws two planes blow up the airplane at the end as they spoil it? Yeah, he throws the...

Well, two planes blow up. He throws a flare. No, he pulls the fuel pipe on the wing so all the wing is ejecting fuel. And then he uses his Zippo lighter

and goes, yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker! And blows it up, which is impossible to do in real life, but it looks good. Yeah, Mythbusters tried it.

Why? Because various reasons. It doesn't travel that way and it certainly wouldn't go upusters try why because various reasons it it doesn't travel that way and it certainly wouldn't go up into the wing of the plane because it'd be broke too broken oh the actual yeah i mean look as i say it works in the moment but it doesn't bear too much scrutiny as a um as a conceit i'm not thinking all that probably wouldn't work yeah it's not one of those ones you know that pushes it but already in context, in the grammar of the action, it works perfectly well.

Yeah. But already it's like, Die Hard is reasonably low-key compared to what came next. Because in Die Hard 2, he's jumping out of exploding all sorts. So Die Hard 2 comes out, big bang, all lots of fun, big hit. And then there's a while between that and Die Hard 3. He did a couple of, like, grown-up films. And then he was in Pulp Fiction as well. What were his grown-up films?

Body of Evidence. The sex thriller he did where you could see his dick. Oh, that's in Pulp Fiction as well. What were his grown-up films? Body of Evidence. The sex thriller he did where you could see his dick. Oh, that's terrible. That's a terrible film. Yeah. He did that. He did, was it Striking Distance?

I think he did as well. So sort of thrillers. Erotic thrillers. And Bonfire of the Vanities. Which was a... And Hudson Hawk. Both massive flops. Yeah.

I like Hudson Hawk though. So he was still, it didn't derail his career as a leading man. That's weird. Because again, Pulp Fiction comes along at that time. Helps everyone's career out for a bit. Then off the back of that, Die Hard 3. Die Hard 3 to me is just fucking beautiful. I love

Die Hard 3. Die Hard 3 is after Pulp Fiction? Yeah. They would have been made around about the same time. Or certainly, they came out in 96, didn't they? And Die Hard 3 is basically you love. Well, Die Hard 3 decides to go, here's the overall gist of it. John McClane versus baddies. Yes, but what is the coincidence?

There's no coincidence in this one. So he's actually on the job, so to speak. Basically, what happened at the beginning of this? He's working as a cop in New York at the time. Okay, so that's good already, isn't it? So it's like a day, it's not like, oh my God my god some weird thing the terrorists have happened to arrive where he is it's like he's on the job and then well here's the interesting point so in this one it starts off an explosion a bomb goes off in the middle of new york and then the police get this phone call saying right

there are more bombs across new york and i want john mclean to do what i want because of mclean's reputation well because it turns out the bad guy is the brother of Hans Gruber. And that's it. And it's basically what they do is they take New York

and they stretch it. They stretch out the building concept of Die Hard and just make it the whole of New York. Yeah, sounds good. And I love it.

It's a chase sort of thing. You haven't seen it? I've seen Swayth's. The last 10 minutes is garbage. Because they had an ending that no one liked. And I like it.

Because you can see it on the DVD. Where basically the bad guys get away with it. And John McClane loses his job. And then hunts down Jeremy Irons in this Swiss chalet. And just kills him. And nasty. That's quite Bond-ish. Well, they play a game where they kind of have this rocket launcher.

Stupid. It works in the context. You can't play fucking Twist the kind of have this rocket launcher. That's stupid. It works in the context... You can't play fucking twist the bottle with a rocket launcher. Well, no, because throughout the whole film... It's going to go off. No one's going to let you have a rocket launcher in their bar. Well, no, because that's... Are they?

No, fucking... It doesn't matter, though, does it? Hello, Vladimir. I'll have a vodka. And also, you don't mind if I put this rocket launcher on the fucking bar, do you? We have a strict policy. All rocket launchers must be held behind the bar until you go. Okay, exactly.

Give me the rocket launcher. I will, and I'll also give you this little pocket rocket. The little pocket rocket, mad. You like this? I like this. You like that? What do you see? Vlad likes it.

I want to suck your cock. Oh, I see. You've walked into a vampire chalet. We saw online that the whole charity shop vampire thing is completely unoriginal well no I didn't say it was

original in the first place but there's a song well you didn't tell me you'd nicked it I hadn't nicked it there's a song called I want to suck your cock yeah but it's just

some kind of euro beat where it's like I want to suck your cock that sounds excellent it does it is actually quite but there's nothing to it and it's not like

I ever heard that before and it's not like the idea of I want to suck your blood can't easily replace it is it's just there's nothing to it and it's not like I ever heard that before it's not like the idea of I want to suck your blood can't easily replace it's just it's a shit joke it's just a shit joke

thank you I want to suck your knobbin knobbin yeah Diarrho 4 comes out years later to PG I saw that at the cinema I don't know why

it was like one of those ones where you're just going anyway to the cinema and you try and find something yeah I did not did I not like that I did not like that what did you like about it why it was like one of those ones where you're just going anyway to the cinema and you try and find something. Yeah. I did not.

Did I not like that? Did you not? I did not like that. What did you like about it? The way it was boring and shit the whole way through. And then the action was ridiculous.

Yes. Like that bit when he's machine gunning on a, standing on the wing of a fighter jet. No, he's not machine gunning. He just jumps onto

a spinning jet, which is stupid yeah it's so stupid because it's the thing it's like there's a rule in at some point in dior where it's like every film he's gotta jump away from something that blows up yes yeah so they can do it bigger yeah it's like you do it bigger and the credibility of it it's already not very believable in the first film is it no? No. It's just about believable. But by the time you get to him jumping from an exploding semi-truck onto the wing of an exploding jet plane,

that blows up and he slides down this weird exploded motorway segment. It's like, you are gone. That's when he went from vulnerable superhero to Wile E. Coyote. To, yeah, stupid. Like that bit where he launches a taxi at the helicopter is that in that film as well

yeah and I just thought the plot was and like the threat is cyber and the way that they'd done that with the plot

well get this Diode 1's based on a book Diode 2's based on another book Diode 3 was based on a spec script that originally was going to be

another Lethal Weapon movie and then it was called Simon Says and then got changed slowly but surely into Di Hard 3. One of those scripts that had been lying around sort of thing. Die Hard 4 is based on, not a book, not a script,

it's based on a Time article about fire sales, about how you can shut down a country with viruses and stuff like that. Yeah, see, that's not plot. And the original script was called WorldWar3.com or something. Oh, God. That becomes Die Hard. So here's the thing. We're getting on die off five now.

This is the first die hard sequel written to be a die hard sequel from the ground up. From the ground up. From scratch. And it's fucking garbage. Well, I'll be the judge of that. I'll read the,

I'll read the back of the box. See if it entices you. Get ready for more mind blowing, heart stopping, rip roaring action with this harder edition that includes hours of thrilling extra plus a harder

extended cut of A Good Day to Die Hard with intense new footage not shown in cinemas. I don't even know what that means. Extra explosions. Extra gunshots.

Yeah. Extra nubbage. There's no nubbage. There's no nubbage. Bruce Willis is back as back in action as john mcclain the heroic new york cop with a knack for being in the wrong place at the wrong time john's latest predicament takes him all the way to russia to track down his estranged son jack played by jai courtney who is the least charismatic actor i've ever seen in my life

oh god i see you what I saw him in? He looks like every other man. I saw him in that Terminator sequel. Oh. The one with Christian Bale as Savage. Salvation. Salvation. Two out of ten for me for that.

It was so boring. God, it was terrible. And Jai Courtney, that's why we're talking about this. Yeah. He was meant to be a Terminator in it. That's right that's the big twist isn't it

it's like he doesn't have enough charisma to portray a robot that's the irony it's like when Schwarzenegger plays the Terminator

he's an android but there's so much character and menace that you go oh he's playing for all intents and purposes until the twist

a human being and yet he acts less than Schwarzenegger in Terminator it was really flat performance yeah so anyway he plays John McClane's

son and he's not like this and not very good in this either fucking you could have put a mop on you could have given

a mop a gun and everyone would have puppeted it yeah and then the mop would have a fucking fan club or whatever

it'd be better than fucking Jai Courtney do you think he's going to stay in the industry I just have this sort of curiosity

about these people in Hollywood. They get TV jobs. They'll end up being in law and order, crime, cyber division, that kind of thing. He'll be all right. Fine, unless he turns to drugs. Anyway, so Jack has been imprisoned in Moscow, but the mission takes a deadly turn.

So he's in Moscow, then Bruce has to go out and pick him up. Yeah. And then they must join forces to thwart a nuclear weapons heist that could trigger a world war. Oh. Yeah. So, yeah, apparently on the back, Alex Zane from The Sun says, the most action-packed diehard yet with four stars.

Alex Zane from The Sun goes, me and Baz Bamming Boy have just received our checks from Warner Brothers or whatever. Do you know what I mean? Our fucking standards are so low. Who made this? Is it Fox? This is Fox.

Yeah, like, Alex Zane from fucking The Sun or whatever says, what's it from? What's he reporting from? It's The Sun. Yeah, from The Sun

says, I have just received a check from Fox signed by Murdoch. Do you know what I mean? This is great. This is great. It's like Satan's cock.

10 out of 10. What a fucking rent-a-gob whore. Yeah, he's famous for putting five-star reviews over garbage. Twat. Alan Frank in the Daily Star says 10 out of 10. And Nuts Magazine gives it four out of five stars as well. So people who don't really like the film but know what their audience is in terms of their readership. Yeah, I just hate that. So... And it't really like the film but know what their audience is in terms of their readership and goes,

yeah. I just hate that. And it allows, well, I'm not, listen, I might really like this. You might?

I might really like it. I don't think you will. I have not seen it. I know. So I might think, ooh, it's very good this. Very good this.

So directed by John Moore. Known for? The remake of The Omen. Remember there was one? Yeah. Yeah, I didn't until I had to look up John was one? Yeah. Yeah, I didn't until I had to look up John Moore.

Oh, God. Yeah. I can't remember what else he's done. What is the point of that? It's just when you've got like a film which is like a really good film from the 70s.

Do you know what I mean? Like, what's the point? What is the point? Because people don't like watching films if their haircuts and fashion are different. They have to see

a new film version of it because old films, I guess that's what it is. That's crap. I can't watch an old film from the 70s bizarre the mentality of remaking stuff like that i get it because it's not like a new hollywood trend it's like they've been doing that since the word dot yes of course but when something's that iconic it's bizarre it feels like all you're really doing is going

through the motions making it you don't have any real creative input because you have to keep it familiar enough to yeah so anyway oh you also did the uh max pain film john moore which is based on a video game it's a video game and that was also utter fucking shit bobbins well and now he got given the good day to die hard to make a good film from a video game so are we ready now to watch john moore the director john moore's bruce willis's a Good Days to Die's Harder Extended Cut. Do we have to watch the extended cut? Can't we watch the theatrical? We can watch the original or the harder extended cut.

I think we should watch the original. I don't mind. What's the one that you got angry with? The original? They're both the same. I can't imagine the extended is going to improve anything too much. Yeah, but I don't want to have to sit through extra shit if it's extra shit. Yeah, but when they say extra shit, it could be two seconds of someone going...

...being shot. Oh, it's the fucking mouth noise it's come come in give you your mouth noise listen this is like a serious bit we were talking about a film and you still managed to do it i'm quite proud of myself shoot me with a machine gun i'm ready paul all right ladies and gentlemen we're gonna set this up popcorn and we're going to watch and enjoy A Good Day to Die Hard imagine if that wasn't really a porn film about angel lust oh a snuff film

A Good Day to Die Hard that's a good idea for a snuff film kill someone, they get the angel lust then you bone them Paul Gannon and Eli Silverman arrested today for making A Good Day to Die Hard about a man who dies

with a massive erection and is abused. It's necrophilia. And yet it still wouldn't be as bad as A Good Day to Die Hard. Right, it's movie time, ladies and gentlemen. We're all geared up,

ready to go. Are you excited? It's movie time. I'm not. Why aren't geared up, ready to go. Are you excited? It's movie time. I'm not. Why aren't you? Because you told me this film's shit. Yeah, but we knew Keith Lemon was shit going into it. I know, but I didn't really know...

Just how shit. Yeah. All right, well, all you need to know... I feel like I know how shit this is. And I can feel that it's going to annoy me. Yeah, it's a fucking annoying film. But we'll go as we go now obviously

the listener is not going to get a whole commentary of the film we're not doing that we're going to dip in and out of this podcast of ours most salient observations as we watch this

and then at the end a summary and review of it and our feelings alright here we go let's begin this

start the film here we go we've got the brum bum the fox thing there we go brum bum brum bum you're going thing. There we go. Brum bum. You're going to get

a copyright strike when we do this. 20th century fox is owned by Walt Disney and now you can't watch aliens. Do you know, sometimes they don't

add that da da da da bit. Do they? Sometimes it just goes dum dum. I guess when they just want to pack a lot more plot in. I'm sure.

Maybe I'm misremembering that. I know, you might be right. I've always remembered that. But maybe like the 70s ones were just compacted. Sometimes they missed. I'm sure they missed out the end. Da-da-da-da, that bit. Yeah.

Right, here we go. Die of five. Dum-dum-dum-dum. Protesters screaming. You see what I mean? I hate subtitles like this. Can't I just have the fucking subtitles in English? Just because we've

got to keep the volume low so we can actually hear ourselves talking and it's mostly just there's not much dialogue in this. Now I know they're protesters, don't I?

Here we go. Oh, look, it's that woman off BBC News, mass protests. Oh. Do you know what one of my major bugbears is?

Thrillers that start with like a news story. Yeah, because exposition. It's the laziest way of setting up the fucking film. This is just,

oh, here we go. He's getting released, yeah, from a jail that appears to be an art museum. So effectively, look at that.

That's not a jail. That's obviously a museum. Isn't it? Do you know what I mean? Yeah, but it looks good. The uplit walls and it's like... Yeah, but it looks good, doesn't it? No one's I mean the uplit walls and it's like yeah but it looks good

doesn't it no one's fucking it's not a fucking jail already I hate this right here we go here's Bruce Willis

not giving a fuck let's see his face when he first doesn't give a fuck what no fucking energy to him there's no energy here

do you remember when you first see him in die hard and he's like all smiles he literally has barely moved his face or his mouth at all already it's his first yeah he looks miserable and as i say remember when you first see him in die hard and he's kind of like hey i'm in la how crazy is this place and he's acting and he's reacting to everything and he's going, what the fuck, LA? And in this, it's like, have you started filming?

Yeah, right, well. Honestly, it really, it's really low key what he's doing, isn't it? Yeah. Because even in Die Hard 3 when he's like hungover and depressed

at the beginning. What's going on? He's telling him now about his son being in trouble. Is that what this is? Because Bruce Willis doesn't know his son is a CIA agent. So he just thinks his son's been arrested in Russia. Is that what this is? Because Bruce Willis doesn't know his son is a CIA agent.

So he just thinks his son's been arrested in Russia. Okay. And he goes, I'm off to Russia to get me son. So he goes,

I don't want my son to be shot in Russia. So I'm going to go and just, I don't know, what's his plan? Keep the camera still. Do you know what's fucking,

yeah, I was just about to say. It does that thing, doesn't it, to make it look like a documentary. It's edgy and gritty, isn't it? It's that thing where they juggle the camera to make it look like it's handheld.

But you know what makes Die Hard so great? All of that. Oh wait, no, they don't do that at all in Die Hard. At all. It's nice and smooth. Everything's locked off. It's just this whole sense of they have no idea what the character is of this film. Well, who he is.

Yeah, Bruce Willis is just playing Bruce Willis with a gun. And not moving his face at all. Oh, Aeroflot. I had one of those in the toilet the other day. Did you? Was it a big one? Dropped a big old Aeroflot.

Paul, shut up. You're loving this, aren't you? Look, he's on a plane. See, I thought they could have done the film like the original Dior where it starts with him on the plane. I know you don't need that. See, I thought they could have done the film, like the original Dior, where it starts with him on the plane.

I know you don't need that. It's terrible. You could have started here, with him on the plane. You don't know what's going on, but he's looking at this thing, and you think, oh, what's going on? Why do they feel like they have to

fucking completely explain every single thing before it even starts? Here's why. Because once they get him to Russia, it doesn't matter what the plot is, it's just like shoot, kill, bang, boom, whatever. As soon as the film opens with a picture of a news report on a TV,

that's the sign. Really? Yeah. It's just like, here, we're just going to dump a load of exposition because it's a news report. Yeah. And that's the format that just delivers information.

So we're just going to, just as if it was, you know what I mean mean put a news report at the beginning of our film the laziness of it do you know what i mean it's astounding isn't it yeah yeah yeah because again it kind of just goes we just get it all out the way all out the way and then fucking but why why bother if it's going to be that rote do you know what i mean yeah then you cut to like you know john mclean in russia like in la with a taxi driver you could have you could have had parallels that if it's going to be that rote. Do you know what I mean? Then you cut to, like, you know, John McClane in Russia, like in LA with a taxi driver. You could have had parallels

that made it interesting. But instead, he lands in Russia and instantly thinks Russia is a fucking horrible shithole that he is better than being in. Right. Does that make sense? Like, he's above Russian people.

He's trying to speak Russian I can guess the joke is that Guy speaks perfect English there you go bosh a second before

he says it I knew it I saw it coming didn't I look every little moment he smiles you think there's John McClane

stay like that for a bit and it goes instantly right back 3 2 1 face drops

he's lost interest. That's it. That's the acting done. Bruce Willis is in the middle of Russia. Just happens to be in the same part of Russia where his son and this massive terrorist are both being extorted. Oh my word.

And why are they on the same bus? Exactly. Plot convenience. So all the characters can be in the same... They're on the same prison bus just for convenience. They get transported at the same time. Yeah. So Bruce Willis can bump into all three major plays at the same time. But it's just like, why wouldn't you do some Bruce doing some detective work

or Bruce doing something? No. Do you know what I mean? To find it out. He stumbles into this. But again, why would he even go anyway? If you were going to go and look after look for your son you'd get you'd go to the embassy yeah you do something that's what i mean but it's almost like they knew he wasn't up for doing any acting so they had to sort of engineer this like proper

coincidence to get the plot rolling whilst they're once they're in russia i also know what i mean just didn't think that through they didn't go they should it could be part of the film bruce finding out what's happened to his son that's like the part of the film that's usually the fun bit do you know what I mean he finds out himself that his son's in the CIA or whatever

yeah no he just sees him look act act fucking act alright don't get why did you

he's just not doing it anymore look that's the he looks like a sour faced old prune freeze that scene and I take it out of context. And I show it to you and I say, what film is that from? Wouldn't know.

Is it Death Wish? Is it Die Hard? Yeah, it's just late period Willis. Act. You fucking act as well. No, Courtney is must a fucking concrete face. It's terrible. What's he saying?

What's the competition on set to see who could act the least? Yeah. And they were fucking really going for it. Jai Courtney and Willis. Like, I'm going to move my face. And they were fucking really going for it. Jai Courtney and Willis, like, I'm going to move my face. They probably had fucking... I'll move my face less. They probably had little electrodes

connected to their face so you could see you could win the bet for not moving their face at all. Like, the whole day. The worst off the side thing, fucking inject my face with fucking horse tranquiliser right now. I bet he did.

It looks like his face has been Botoxed, both of them. They just think that's acting. Not moving your face. Being stoic is acting. There's a lot to be said about not doing a lot, but you've still got to do something. You've still got to do something.

You don't want to do it too big. I'm talking about film acting now. It's a tough thing to do, film acting. You can be subtle on film acting, but they're not being subtle. They're just not... They're just not moving their face at all. Oh, everything's blown up.

Hey! Here we go. But what file? They need what file? Now, what file are they getting? Whatever file he has. Oh, fuck off. Honestly.

Oh, here we go. At least they're driving somewhere now. Who are you? You're Jumjumjumjumjum. Oh, look, he runs into his dad. This is so shit. See, a moment like that would work if you invested at all in the characters or gave

a shit about anything going on. It wouldn't happen. Why is he getting out the car? He wouldn't let him get out the car. He's meant to be fucking CIA. He's distracted by his dad. You shouldn't be here. So look, now they're backing the truck. So that whole last 30 seconds meant nothing. I hate that when things happen.

Yeah. And there's no status quo change. There's nothing happened in that scene at all. It was utterly pointless. Wouldn't he have just got shot by now as well? Yeah. He's standing around in the middle of this kidnap scene. Fucking terrorist. wouldn't he have just got shot by now as well? Yeah. He's standing around in the middle of this kidnap scene,

fucking terrorist, no one even notices him there. And already I'm like, what's going on? Where's he going? Who's he running from? Why are they... Oh, this sucks, mate. It really does. Now he's just stolen a car.

What? No, he just gets a car. That took no time at all. He just grabs a truck. It's just, he just gets a car. That took no time at all. He just grabs a truck. It's just there, the key's there. Oh, look,

Reaper 1, bullshit. What? What? Got him who? What? Oh, they're in the control room.

This is CIA control. Yeah. Oh, there's a drone. This is terribly paced. It's way too

fast, this shit. And I still don't know what the point of any of this is. I mean, I get it that they want the man so they're chasing him. But we don't know Jack's plan. This is fucking shit, man.

I didn't know what you meant. Stop moving the camera around. See, it's zooming in and pulling out. It's actually making me nauseous. The fucking camera movement. It's actually quite nauseating to watch this. Yeah, that's what I mean.

It's just because it never stays still, the camera, and every shot is like 2.5 of a second long. See, there were eight edits in that one little shot of it turning a corner and hitting a car.

It's too much. The editing is too fast. You can't follow it. It's got no weight to it. It's all just a load of shit they shouldn't people shouldn't fucking be employed as editors do you know what i mean but this is probably because your director wants this you should say you don't want this no one wants this i wonder if the editor is the same as the director fucking terrible it won't be it will be

like some kind of you know trailer house or whatever he's put it together yeah it's just these these sort of machine rooms that don't think about you know what i mean any it's just like what's going on there he's dead they're dead dead and funnily enough there's a scene not too dissimilar this in the second born identity there's a chase scene with a mini right which is just as shaky which is just as thing but it has focus and you know

what's going on it just needs a focus a narrative focus to the chase do you know what I mean yeah why are they firing at him because he's after them

oh he can spin a truck dead oh look he's Bruce Willis a cop can spin a truck do a handbrake oh dead dead Bruce Willis A cop Can spin a truck Do a handbrake Oh dead

Dead Bruce Willis is now dead Dead Dead Dead Dead That would have Completely crushed

The top of that Truck He's alright He got out Now If I was him I'd say I'm old I'm gonna call the police

Why is he still invested In this trace Why is he trying to Stop a car This is stupid beyond words he's dead he's already quite injured he just got hit by a jeep yeah he's span off there's no way he would have fucking survived that jeep accident no no way oh bullshit great what a nice character nice yeah yeah knock out a russian i mean can tell the people, the stunt people and everyone who worked on it were, you know, competent.

Do you know what I mean? It's just the way it's put together. And the... Oh, he's driving off a cliff onto a bunch of carefully arranged trucks that just happen to be... This is just terrible, the way that's set up. It's like the... How many people have died in this car chase? As if the fucking...

This would not have been allowed to go on this long. This is ridiculous. He's driving over for civilian cars. What's he doing? Don't say sorry,

mam, as if that's a cute little line. That's a cute line. And it's got all CG'd to shit as well, you can tell, can't you? It's just

unfathomably bad. Stupid. It's dumb. Right, so what's happened? Basically, the baddies are caught up with Jai Courtney, who has the leader in his truck. Now they're on the motorway, and they're all chasing each other still. And it's still going on.

He's spinning Jai Courtney round and round. Oh, God. Oh, here's his dad. he's spinning Jaya Courtney round and round oh god oh here's his dad here's Johnny McLean who happens to have another high performance all terrain vehicle do you know what I mean

that's in good nick because then he's just jumped off a bridge and driven over yeah they wouldn't have felt that that car would have done nothing to the back of it

it's an armoured who's he talking to his daughter so they thought they'd come oh this is a funny bit looking right at him ha ha ha

that also these gags again that would have worked in a better scene you know what I mean that idea of him being on the

phone to his daughter pretending nothing's wrong might have been lively and fun but they have no interest in it yeah if there had been any tension

or any sort of, you know what I mean, direction. It's directionless, this whole sequence. And what? This crash is meant to be bigger. Do you know what I mean?

We've already had like... Oh, it's quiet now because, you know, it's a big one. Oh, they're doing that thing. Why did that just launch into a truck? What the fuck is going on? Yeah.

Anyway, good luck to you, Courtney. You know? You're doing all right. I mean, he doesn't give two shits about RFP, does he? He doesn't give a shit. Yeah, can I? Because he's Australian.

Oh, he's Australian as well. I don't give a fuck. Oh, talking Australian, Paul. Yes. Yes. Your accent went down quite well. It did. I'll be honest,

it's your most consistent. I could put it on my acting CV, couldn't I? I think you should. So you now have one thing on it. I think I did. I think I did put it on my acting CV. couldn't I? I think you should. So you now have one thing on it. I think I did. I think I did put it on my acting CV. I think I said I could do American General.

And Northern. I said I could do... Hang on, do you mean an Army General or just a general American accent? No, General. Okay. Soldier! Like that.

Oh, God. I just... I don't have the mental energy to be bothered to fucking follow it. Just guess. I'm not involved in this, Jack. Well, then why did you fly out to fucking Russia and throw yourself into a deadly car chase, killing numerous amounts of civilians, punching innocent people, stealing cars,

causing untold amounts of financial damage? It's just so ridiculous. Do you remember in Die Hard, he spends the first half going, I don't want to be in charge of this problem. I'm going to call the cops. I'm going to do what I can. I'm going to order a fucking pizza. And then he has to.

He's forced into it. Forced into it. And it's believable. Yeah. Because he kind of just goes, I'm on my own here. Whereas in this one, it's like, I'm an American. I'm going to sort this out.

Oh, I can't believe it. The script though, Paul, is utter utter bullshit. So look, what's going on now? More bad guys who've found their safe house. Oh, right, it's there. Instantly. And he just pulls out a gun from behind the table. Where the fuck does that gun come from?

At least Bugs Bunny's got the logic that he's a cartoon who can fucking pull a gun out. He gets a fully loaded fucking... And he doesn't know who he's shooting at. He could be shooting at... Oh. Oh, fuck off. No, that's terrible. Why did he just pull that gun out?

I hate his little pursed fucking lips. Look, I guess you've done this before. So this is reference to... Every other diod. Right. Look, act! Will someone fucking act? Bruce, do something! Jai,

do something! They're not doing it. Oh, no. Do something. Look at all the chandeliers. Watch your first, watch your first thought.

you just think everything's going to get smashed up. They're so setting that up. It's terrible. Yeah. And it's under construction, which means they can blow stuff up. It's fine. Oh,

it's under construction. Yeah. Blow a load of shit up. Shoot some And it's under construction, which means they can blow stuff up. It's fine. Oh, it's under construction. Yeah. Blow a load of shit up. Shoot some bollocks. Oh, there's going to be some cunt they have to fucking shoot. That was a script meeting. Cunt who gets shot. We need some cunts to shoot.

Fuck's sake. Oh, his intuition. That's his only character trait. His ability to walk into a place and go, oh, something bad's going to happen. And then he's right. This smells bad. Move the fucking movie along. Setting up the idea that his son's a rule keeper

and his dad's a rule breaker. Right. And he's going to learn from his dad that you can't go by the rules all the time. Oh, I couldn't give a fuck. And he's eating a carrot because he's a wacky bad guy. Fuck that. Like Bugs fucking Bunny.

Well, that's the thing is, like, I need to give this character a little trait that makes him... Yeah, but it doesn't. It's so stupid, isn't it? He's a proper... He eats carrots. He's a proper, like, doing the method with his carrot. Fuck off. No, honestly, it's terrible.

Then just do it. Bang, bang, job done. Bang, bang, bang. Bang, bang, job done. Honestly, it's terrible. Then just do it. Bang, bang, job done. Bang, bang, bang. Bang, bang, job done. Bang, bang. Bang, bang, job done. He's a sadist. That's always the excuse.

There's your sadist. Yeah. Isn't he? He likes them to... A little bit of a speech now. Here you go. It's his Bond villain speech. Bang, bang.

Oh, and it's an anti-American thing. So that's another reason why he hates it. Fucking bullshit. Now, what are they going to do? They're stuck in a... hate him. Fucking bullshit. Now, what are they going to do? They're stuck in a... Oh, there's bad guys everywhere. What are they going to do? Oh, look.

They're going to do the thing with their feet. Where did they get those guns from? What? They got those guns? They grabbed them. They were on the floor, weren't they?

I just didn't see it. Yeah, it's so stupid. Oh, fuck off. Oh, God. Stop with this. We don't need this stupid fucking dialogue now. Oh, no. We're not going to die today.

Oh, they've shattered the glass like in Die Hard. Like in Die Hard. But from the roof. And it has almost... And it's stupid. Let's run out the way of the glass. Let's completely use up all our bullets. Right, now, here's how they escape from this.

How would you escape? Look for the stairs? Nah, jump through the window. Jump through a window, innit? How did they get up to the... Oh, mate. He got out. The top bad guy got out.

Oh, God. And he's in the military opticopter. Opticopter? He may as well be called the opticopter. Right, what are you going to do? Oh, they. And he's in the military opticopter. Opticopter? He may as well be called the opticopter. Right, what are you going to do? Oh, they're coming back. Oh, no. Oh, no.

What are you going to do, Jack and John? Because it's a military helicopter, isn't it? And the Russian military have nothing to say about all this going on. No, nothing is going on. It's got huge bazooka tunnels on it. Already, I'm running away from this. Okay, it's one of those guns, yeah. That would completely kill them immediately.

Just shred them. Immediately. It's like a firestorm would be going. You know those guns that they have on helicopters like that? Yeah. Look, they're going to jump out of something from an exploding thing. They're dead. They are dead.

Here we go. Look out. Let's get out of this thing. They're dead. They are dead. Here we go. Look out. Let's get out of this building. They are dead. It's all got a bit of a CG feel to it now, doesn't it? Look, here's my plan. Dead. Dead.

Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead.

Dead. They fall out of a building. Brain smashed open. Body broken in two. Yeah. Dead. Dead. Oh, no. Here they go. They dead, dead. Oh no, here they go. They're standing up.

Look out. Lacerated. Dead, lacerated. Burnt to death. Now they're going down a tubey pipe. They wouldn't die there. That's straight down.

That's just a drop. That's not a slide. That's a drop. Yeah, that's... Oh, for fuck... Dead, dead, dead. This is so stupid. Dead, dead, dead.

Literally so stupid dead dead literally so fucking dead it's a fucking combat helicopter with one of those huge guns that just incinerate their whole body fuck this

fucking film seriously and look they're just police let them walk and buy walk away walk away there you go

Walk off, walk it off, mate Walk it off, you're alright I'll walk it off I've just fallen out of a fucking building I'll just walk off Mate I'm fucking done with this I can't do this anymore

Really? Well, I don't want to watch it anymore Fuck, should we just fuck this And spend the rest of the day Doing something nice? Please. Honestly. You know what?

Fuck this. We could spend our whole day shitting on this film, but I think we've seen enough. Actually, I feel drained from having to... Mate. It's just blueing.

It's all blue. The blue grain. You know, the blue filter. Mate. Mate. What? Sun's out. Not bad.

It looks alright, actually. Should we just go for a walk? Do something nice? Yeah, come on, man. Go somewhere nice. Please. I can't. I really.

Let's go somewhere lovely. Less of the shit. Right, that's it. We're not watching Die Hard 5. We're not watching it. Here's what you need to know, right? They go to Chernobyl, which is a 50-minute. They go to Chernobyl?

Yeah. Is it all radioactive? Oh, mate, they walk into one of the buildings and they cut this aerosol and they go, it is now not radioactive. Really? Yeah. And with a spray can?

With a basic spray tube for them to spray a building. Now it is not. No, no, no. I'm afraid radioactivity, it no work like that. You know what I mean? It fucking got a half-life. You can't just spray some shit on it. No.

So they go to Chernobyl. They have a big fight in a building. Another helicopter turns up and they blow up the helicopter and the building and Bruce Willis jumps from an exploding helicopter through the air

as it explodes into a building and slides across the floor, picks up a gun and then shoots some more bad guys. And then what? Does he have to go to hospital after that? No, he's fine.

He's fine. He just goes, what have you forgot off the head? And Brooks Willis and Jai become best friends at the end because they've learned... But there's just... I just don't believe it. No.

It's just so fucking shit. Yeah. I don't believe you survived that. No. It's too... The stakes were way too... It's a huge military helicopter completely incinerating the whole floor.

That's a set piece. You say finale. When you want to go over the top and you want to give them a big whole floor. That's a set piece. You say finale when you want to go over the top and you want to give them a big thing and now it's in the middle so they have to go

bigger than that for the second jumping out of a building as a helicopter explodes moment. You just think, I'm alright mate. This is it.

This is the... Shall we just fuck this off and do something nice? I'm told you, yes. So many people waste so much time on shit movies. The franchise is dead.

It's over. It's dead. They want to make a sequel that's a prequel to Die Hard yeah as young John McClane that's a better idea no because Die Hard is the story of how John

McClane became a hero that's the origin story that's his origin story all right but it'd still be a better maybe could be a more interesting if it didn't have Bruce Willis in it

do you know what I mean Bruce Willis would only be in bits of it that links the flashbacks yeah so who would be playing the young Timmy fucking Mallet. No, he...

I don't know. Timmy Mallet? Weird. Very on cheap show point, though. Come on, stop it. Just turn it off. Let's go for a lovely walk. All right, we'll go for a fucking walk.

Right, we've decided to fuck off Die Hard 5, because fuck off Die Hard 5, basically. And instead, Eli and I are going to go for a mini little mystery tour, aren't we? Aren't we? Stop. Can you stop being so chummy for one of the best? I'm being chummy. Nothing wrong with being chummy. Got your bag? Pass my bag. I'm passing him this bag. He's got his hands full with shit. You need to do my bag up, though.

Oh, I've got to do everything for you now, have I? Because you're a fucking useless tool. No. What's this I'm holding? Looks like a packed lunch. Shit. You need to do my bag up, mate. Oh, I gotta do everything for you now, Alvae, because you're a fucking useless tool. No, I've got... What's this I'm holding? Looks like a packed lunch. God. Just close the bag, mate! I've caught the zip in the flap. Oh, you f... Because your fucking bag's bollocks.

Here we go. There you go. Oh, come on. You've already soured this jolly feeling I have within me. We don't have a jolly feeling. I had a jolly feeling. So we're going to go for a little mystery journey, aren't we? It's not a mystery. Are we pretending it's a mystery? Is that what it is?

It's a mystery for me. It's not. We're going up that place you said we should go up. Oh, yeah. Look, I've got this as well. It's a bag of items, yes. We're going to play an impromptu Price of Shite. He's just locking up his

dwelling with his horrible lock, which needs WD-40, really. But that's fine. Because I'm sure your neighbours love the sound of that door slamming every day. Upstairs and down. So we're going to go for a lovely little walk, play a little game of Her Price is Shite.

Oh, what fun. Let's do something positive and fun rather than spend time with sad Bruce Willis. Sleepwalking his way through a piss poor action movie directed by not only a journeyman director but one with no passion. Alright where are we going? Well I think we can get Augusto still from the hipster shop. Oh yeah that's the plan we're gonna try and get Gustav from the hipster shop which is a cola that we're quite partial to. They should be open for another 10 minutes but they might you know or maybe they i don't know how long they're open for well let's find out it's exciting let's go now come with us as we journey into northwest london uh for a little magical walk it's north london

no all right it's a little bit west it's not a little bit northeast more northeast than west but it's not either of west. It's not a little bit west. North east. More north east than west, but it's not either of those things. It's just north. Right, great. Off we go. Right, cola has been got. What did you get? I didn't see you buy that.

What's that? A sausage roll? It's a big old sausage roll, isn't it? I don't know, fair enough. It's a very big sausage roll. We got the? Awful I know, fair enough It's a very big sausage roll We got the cola What's it called again? Gusto Gusto Cola Which, even though it is expensive

Because what, it was, what, £2 for a bottle of that stuff Is it? Yeah £2.99 Well, £1.99 Yeah, that is quite pricey But we thought, let's treat ourselves Could you get a litre of Coke?

Like a litre of Pepsi for that? Oh, yeah. I mean, this is all that kind of microbrewery, organic, cola, original flavour shit, isn't it? No, you say that, but Gusto, I told you we used to have a health food shop. My dad used to own a health food shop in the 80s. Gusto was around then.

Was it? Yeah, that drink. It's been this old, it was, that's what I'm saying. It's not from the latest round of Augusto was around then. Was he? Yeah, that drink. It's been this old... It's what I'm saying. It's not from the latest round of sort of artisanal fashionability. It's from a previous sort of macrobaric health food sort of... Somehow it still managed to be around. Why? Because their cola is banging.

Have we mentioned this? No, do it. You say your thoughts. I said to you it's good you tasted it what did you think i i enjoyed it completely it's like not like usual cola where it's like really sweet and kind of syrupy this one had a nice like sparkle to it it's nice and fresh you can taste the fruit texture to it you know it's nice and so we tried it and then we fell in love with it and we thought why not treat ourselves today because we've had such a negative experience with die hard 5 let's do something lovely

dreary depressing and it's like the attempts at humor in that film they don't they don't break the gloom you know it's a terrible film just a headache inducingucing shit fest. And we thought... You spend three pounds on a fucking sausage roll. This is amazing. This is the best sausage roll I've ever had in my life. What makes it nice? The meat's nice? The meat, the coarse-grained pork in there. Well, on the bright side.

And the pastry. Robust. Also, not too much of it, because other sausage rolls sometimes lean too heavily on the pastry and not enough sausage oh mate sometimes i wish it was called expensive show and then uh we'd all buy la caviar oh lovely fish bum egg treats lovely right so we're going to take a sort of circuitous route paul but we're going to end up at yeah florentia clothing village which is one of my favorite spots around here why because it's a

sort of industrial scenario and it's sort of you know it's quite liminal for want of a better word liminal so yeah we've been here before as well nice little kind of man-made river through london that took london we're gonna go there as well yeah no i know but clover village then going on the new river you mind not eating with your mouth full you fucking pig eating with my mouth yeah stop eating with your mouth full shut up so this is one of those places where it's like a lot of abandoned kind of garage spaces and they've all been like soaked up by the art crowd who now use them to live in and do their art and cheap affordable kind of living quarters like when you see those buildings that have been out of

action for ages and uh they now pay people to live in them as security where are we going i'm not good at that but also up there is the maynard factory the original maynard factory we'll talk about that more we will let's turn this off let's turn this off for a bit so i'm not counting it fucking everywhere and we're all going for a cool school car park i thought you were going in here all right see you in a bit like You're wandering around like fucking Alan Whittaker. Alan Whittaker? Wasn't he called Alan Whittaker?

Whicker? Who was Alan Whittaker? You're thinking of the guy Whittaker who could whistle? Yeah. He was called Alan Whittaker. Roger Whittaker. Okay, sorry. That's a new character, mate.

No, it's not. Alan Whittaker. What, does he go everywhere, gets lost and whistles? Where am I? Where am I? Where am I? How much? I can't do any characters. Shut up.

Right, we have gone through the back roads and the side streets of Haringey. Wherever we fucking are, I don't care. We are now, after stopping off at a little corner shop for a few delights. No, we haven't done... Have we talked to them since we got the gusto? Yes, we have. Okay. Briefly. Just just uh-oh right outside lab brooks right where are we wow we've come on a very circuitous route keep using that but we came through chestnuts park now i was it's a nice little park yeah but i always think it's like the name of a park it's

more like the name of a theme park it's not the like the name of a park. It's more like the name of a theme park. It's not like the name of a real park. Like a kiddies area. Yeah, it's like in a children's book. It'd be Chestnuts Park, wouldn't it? Great point. Yes. I just wanted to get that out.

Look, someone has spray painted a huge cock on that Ladbrokes. The meters doesn't connect, so it doesn't really... Why did you want to point this sign out? You don't find that amusing at all? I just want to move on because I don't care about a badly drawn, spray-painted red cock under a horse's mouth outside Labrooks. Looks like the horse is interested. Sniffing, sniffing around.

Right, we came through Chestnuts Park, round the back, and now we're up here at the foot of the industrial zone. I know this area, colloquially, me, in a colloquial sense, I know the whole area as Florentia Clothing Village. But on this sign, there's some other things listed. Florentia Clothing Village is at the top. Then you've got Tewkesbury industrial estate, oriental carpet centre, Crusader industrial estate and there's another industrial estate arena off to the right. Now are you ready to join me as we venture into Florentia clothing village and environs?

Don't get smug! I'm thinking about how i come up with a response to this which is apt and my response is all right since we've left the house i need to take a picture of this hang on right so we are now turn the corner humped for 320 yards as we enter florentina clothing village there on the sign there? That's the actual clothing village in there. They've got little clothing stores in there, usually. Well, that's quite a nice chair someone's dumped, isn't it? It is quite a nice little chair someone has dumped.

Would you carry it home? I might get it on the way back. But we can't because we're going not well. Can we go past that? So you might have to worry. It might be there tomorrow. It won't be. Or it could be covered in a lady's spaff after being banged roughly on that chair tonight and then they tonight yeah someone does some open air work hello gaffner there's a chair here it's nice

and spaffed have a look and see if the clothing village itself is open. Let's do that. Thrilling stuff. Let's have a look. Flats 1 to 10. So hang on, is it also a residential building? Sort of a courtyard bit through there, through that opening there. So this is all quite... Little retail units or something. It's like a little business thing.

Yeah. Look at that. What is that? Pump house or something. Something like that. Victorian pump house. That's what I mean about the charm of this area. Do you know what I mean, Paul?

Little brick buildings from the sort of bygone industrial era. That and that, that. The roof of that. Roda house. Roda house. It's like definitely 1910s or something I reckon that built. There you go, it's a village. Oh yeah, there's a little village inside.

It's all been made to look like a little village. There's cottages. Oh, the village. Oh, yeah, there's a little village inside. It's all been made to look like a little village. There's cottages. Oh, I see, yeah, there's all this stuff going on. So now it's all split up into little shoplets and things. We've got different squares in here. You can imagine how this was once a factory little area at one time. It must have been a factory. Probably a joined-up factory, sort of clothing and buttons or something like that, you mean?

Yeah, right. And it all got churned out. Print works? Maybe. Oh, I like that. Let's take a picture of that. That's a nice picture. It's a nice arresting site.

Theodore's Hearns Cottage. That's the chimney from the, spoiler alert, Maynard's factory. Yeah. Yeah, we've got a surprise for you, boys and girls. Eli and Paul are going to Willy Wonka's factory. Well, it's not Willy Wonka, it's Maynard. Yeah, but he's the closest we're going to get, isn't he? Let's get out of the village.

Let's get out of the village. We're leaving the village. Is there anything else you want to say before I turn this off? No? All right, well then, let's move on. See you in a bit. So, right, we're walking down now this road, this is road, out the back of the factory,

and there's a whole row of buildings here, which at some point must have been like garages people worked out of. They would have been garages or warehouses. Now it's like filled with what I presume are art students and things like that who live here and paint shit. You sound like such a grandad. Art students. Bloody students.

They're not. They're not students. Well, you know, there are art people. There are lots of different people, probably. There's an old piano. Well, you know, there are art people. There are lots of different people. Probably. There's an old piano. Oh, car. There's an old piano. It's been battered. Probably for an art project.

You never know. I'm peeking in. You just never know. Oh, smoking jugs out window. Oh, juggy. It's disgusting round here. Absolutely disgusting. Bloody making paintings and smashing up pianos and smoking doobie cigarettes.

I should take some photos. Take some photographs of this wretched hive of villainy. I looked in one house and it was just covered in fairy lights. And a couch and a sink. It's no way to live, is it? No, I agree. But look at this. Now, we've got some actual active garages down here, but look at the honest working bloke's garage.

Look at these old cottages that remain at the end, these brick cottages, Paul. Look at the degradation of those. They do look like a haunted house. They look like something out of Dickens, don't they? Yeah. degradation of those. They do look like a haunted house. They look like something out of Dickens, don't they? Yeah. Cripply and crumbly and all bendy and like they've sunk

a little bit or they weren't quite built right. God knows what's in there other than like 40 years of dirt and filth and unused tools. Right, we're leaving the village environment. There's that, you see all those people who live, the art students who live there,

they've got that park, that little park there as their back garden. I bet they do the doobie cigarettes there too. Stop being so weird. This is my character, Outraged Alan. I'm Outraged Alan. Do you know what? 70% of your characters are called Alan. I'll make it 100%

if you're not fucking careful. Alright, go on then. I'm Naughty Alan. Oh, who's this now? Bad Alan. Who's this now? Oh, Bad Alan. Who's this up the road? Happy Alan. Who's round the corner? Gay Alan. Oh, hello, Gay Alan.

Oh, you take the time to say hello to him. Well, I might be in there. You are with Gay Alan. Oh, fuck it off. Right, we'll be back when we get back on the river. Hang on. Industrial building. Don't care.

Moving on. Right, we have reached our destination. Hang on. Industrial building. Don't care. Moving on. Right. We have reached our destination. It is the New River Path and it's part of the capital ring. Part of the capital ring. Of which we are not completely on au fait with. Is that what we were doing for the quest? That was the ring.

That's part of the ring, yeah. Well certainly we crossed over at some point. The ring goes all round. That's what rings do. Ring goes round. It goes round the capital, done it. So, what is this new river? It was built, wasn't it, just for transporting stuff down the river?

This river was built, it's a man-made river, but it was built before they had the technology of locks, which allowed canals to be built. So it was like, I think it was built in the 1600s, late 1600s. Oh, okay. built so it was like I think it's built in this 1600s late 1600s and they had to make it it was to supply water to this part of North London and bring it in from Hertfordshire and so they had to basically it winds and goes around natural obstacles and it just flows down in the Lee I think it joins the Lee okay

so the interesting thing about that is obviously to make the river work and get the stuff down there the whole thing had to be designed and built on a slight decline isn't it that's right yeah but it had to go round mounds and hills so they didn't can't go uphill obviously ever so it winds and a lot of it these days it still is a river but a lot of it these days is underground and if you want you can't walk along the whole length of it which would be a good walk but there's just bits like this one we're on here which is above the florencia clothing village and we can get a much better view of the main arts factory from up here don't you look at those little turrets those little green turrets it is

like willie wonka's factory you can imagine it in there can't you certainly in its heyday in the you know the mid 19001900s. You know, whenever it was built, 50s, wasn't it? We can do some research later, but yeah. No, no, it's older. It's like late 1800s. Is it? Yeah.

We're going to do some research. We'll do some research. We'll have to sit down. There's some, frankly, terrifyingly huge cygnets up there. Those are young. And they can still fucking peck your dick off. They look like rude boys they're gonna

remember last time we were down here and all the sea fowls or whatever the water fowls having the right barney they're all grey those could get

I think we should hang back yeah let's not fuck with that they look like they're on a mission yeah we're gonna hang back from the naughty swans they're almost full size already but you can tell they're young by the grey plumage

rather than they haven't gone white yet. Wonderful plumage, Pete. So yes, we are staring at the, it's not now any longer the Maynard's factory, but back in the day it was built by the Maynard's family to make candy. So, Paul of the chimney. It's a lovely photograph. The chimney now has OCC written on it, which is, I think the whole site's been turned into sort of renter space sort of thing

you can rent an office space and make it your base of operations and stuff like that we'll do a little bit of research and come back to you once we find a nice place to sit down

so we can have a little bit of a nibble drink that lovely cola and play Paul Gannon's thrown together but still quite delightful Price of Shite Price of Shite

you didn't expect that when you started listening to about two guys complaining about fucking die r5. Don't lay it on let them enjoy it don't say you must enjoy it. You must enjoy this segment you bastards. We've taken a seat just over the way from the Maynard's factory just by the new river and we're watching

all the little duckies and all the I don't know what they are waterfowl waterfowl is a general term including all birds of the water fowl of the water that's what waterfowl means it's not a species for spoffing the water it makes me more hens aren't they more hens more hens a black bird with a white mohawk sort of thing down the front of their face. Pretty. I'll tell you what, were really impressive and I've never seen before, Paul, were their cygnets, the baby swans. They're not baby swans, they're like teenage swans.

Yeah. Full size with powerful looking necks. You know what I mean? They chased us. They gave it some, didn't they? They were like, listen, it was rearing up. It was Jurassic Park style, mate. Jurassic Signet.

I was going to say, and we haven't been bothered by bugs, but look. They're hovering. I can see them hovering. Well, listen. Also, we should mention we can see the tower from where Doctor Who fell off. Is that going to be a cultural point of every time we mention we can see it? You can see the whole front of Alistair Palace. Alistair Palace.

You can see the front of Alistair Palace from here. You're right. Put his wonger out of Alistair Palace. Alistair Palace. You can see the front of Alistair Palace from here. You're right. Put his wonger out. Alistair Palace. Alistair Palace is standing on the other bank, and he's joshing his knob job. Great, great, great material. So let's just do a little bit of a history of where we are.

So this is outside what used to be the Maynard's factory. Charles Riley Maynard and his brother Tom started manufacturing sweets in 1880. You were right, in their kitchen in Stamford Hill, which is just up the road from here yes well it's literally just there I mean we're sort of we're on the border of Stanford Hill and sort of manor house yeah next door Charles' wife Sarah Anne ran a sweet shop selling their products in 1896 the brothers formed Maynard Sweet Company and there's the veil door entrance at Maynard's Haringey. Yeah, I've passed that.

That's down there. That's still there. It's in the stonework, it says Maynard's, and then also in the... Ten years later, in 1906... In the fencing pool, there's an M. I don't want to panic you, mate, but the signets are back, and they're looking hungry. Yeah, he's giving me an eye again.

Look at the way he's looking at me. Look at that. That's a definite look of, try it and we'll break you. Did you want to try it? No, not against that. Ten years later, it shot up. Ten years later in 1906, the expanding concern moved a mile or so to a new factory in Vale Road, Haringey.

1906. Okay, so it's just 20th century, but that's it? The new factory site, below an embankment of the new river, permitted clean Hertfordshire spring water to be used in production, whilst the proximity of the Lee navigation and numerous railways facilitated the easy, cheap shipping of the required coal, sugar and gelatin. London itself provided a ready market to some 10 million people and the world's largest commercial port

was within five miles. Oh, here's the story. This is where we're going to get to. Around the turn of the century, Charles Gordon, heir to the air to the confectionery firm, suggested to his father they diversify into making wine gums,

an idea that outraged Charles Senior, a strictly teetotal Methodist. However, Charles, rightly, gradually came around to the idea when his son persuaded him that the projected new sweets would not contain alcohol. So Maynard's wine gums were introduced in 1909. Now, that raises so many questions for me, Paul. Because why would you invent something that doesn't contain wine and call it wine gums? What's the idea?

I guess it was just to break up the idea of strawberry flavor or whatever the gimmick was because everyone seems to think oh what are wine gums so did they have some relation to actually containing wine at some point but no it's pure it's it's a simulacrum it's like this it's a sign that is completely um decoupled from anything that it ever signified it never signified anything it never meant anything it never referred to anything no but the point is is that i guess it was just a new way of selling the same flavors so rather than strawberry it's now called port or something or merlot okay so it's fruit flavored but why would you call it port so a child could to pretend he was sophisticated i'm drinking wine look i'm i'm having wine daddy look i'm a big boy now, and I've had port. I have port just like Daddy does after tea time.

He has port, and then he gets very angry. All right, yeah, let's go in there. Apparently, by 2002, worldwide sales of Maynard's wine gums were in £40 million sterling per annum. So they're still making a shitload of money. But basically, the factory got too big for its location, so they moved to Newcastle. So, you know, by But basically, the factory got too big for its location, so they moved to Newcastle. So, you know, by and large, the factory closed.

Oh, okay, interesting. In 1990, Maynard's merged with Tottenham Licorice Mill, Bassets and Trebor. In 88, following the acquisition of the company by Cadbury, the local factory closed and Maynard's Winegums and associated sweet manufacturer was moved to Sheffield. In 1990? 91.

So this was still operational in the 80s, this factory here that we're looking at. That's interesting. Until the old tree borer and Bassett all merged together. And Maynard's, that was their thing, was the wine gums. And guess what we've got, ladies and boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Let's have one of each wine gum now to celebrate where we are.

Oh, this is much better than watching Die Hard 5, isn't it? It what is your favorite i like the circle ones i like the red ones aren't they they're the circle i guess they're all the different same shapes yeah that's the point that's why your theory breaks down because they're different colored gums have the same it's random you know you can have a red one that says port on it and you could have a red one that says sherry on it do you know what i mean so that says sherry on it. Yeah, true. Do you know what I mean? So it's just ridiculous. The whole thing is just bizarre. What? It's just referencing wine.

These are fruit flavoured... I like the black currant ones, the black ones. I don't like those. I don't like those. And famously, some people like the red ones and the black ones so much that they went ahead and they made a special edition red and blacks. Did you like those? Crazy ideas.

I like the variety. You've got to mix it up. You know what I'm saying, though? The wine, it's got no connection to any anything either one of them you there you go have a half of that that is a fantastic half isn't it this is champagne oh that's just such a sweet shop sweet shop huff do you know i mean paul but it's black i don't know i've got an orange. Have a red one. What's this one say? Maynard's.

That's not wine at all. It's got a logo on it. That's the same sign as above that door down there. This is nice. That's good, you've got the sign on one of these sweets from down there. This burgundy, and it's the green one. They only taste ever so slightly different

from each other, don't they though? I can definitely taste the lime in that green one, I just hate. What do you think of wine gums? They're one of my favourite all-time sweets. I like wine gums. I love fruit gums. I love all the round tree stuff. So, yeah, I like fruit gums a lot.

They're very much my bag. And, unfortunately, they're a big part of why my teeth are massively ruined. That and the smoking and the drugs and the meth. You don't do meth Paul I do do meth maybe you'd exciting stuff up round here

if you did start doing a little toot of meth before I'm Angry Alan and I do meth no you're not Angry Alan I'm Alan Allen

I'm Alan Allen we've reached peak Alan peak Alan right let's just take a little break relax and then we'll come back

with a Price of Shite Price of the Shite Alfresco Alfresco Price of the Sh back with a Price of Shite. Price of the Shite, al fresco. Al fresco, Price of the Shite. With my Price of Shite in my bag. Duck action. Let's get some red hot duck action on.

There might be some duck action. Let's have a look for some hot duck action. If some ducks started to fucking do it. Those two look busy. They do. They look like they're trying to sort of look innocuous, eat some duck weed or something. Oh, look at this. Those ducks are going to go for it. As, eat some duck weed or something. Oh, look at his arse. Those ducks are going to go for it.

As soon as our backs turn, Paul, they'll be looking into the Maynard. Is that a type of duck, a Maynard? Hey, no, it's a Mallard. Oh, yeah. The Maynard Mallard. Imagine that if the Maynard Mallard came down here. That would be the best day in the world. See you in a bit.

Right, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it's a bespoke, well, not bespoke, it's a makeshift Price of Shite. Price-o, El Shite-o, El Fresco. El Price-o, El Shite-o, El Fresco. El Price-o, El Shite-o, El Fresco. El fucking Price-o, El Shite-o, El Paiso, El Shito, Alfresco, El fucking Paiso, El Shito, Alfresco. And that's right. Is that all right?

Yeah. All right. Thank you, Anthony Newley, for singing the intro for us. Paul, one observation. From here... God, do you like those old ladies on, like, the TV who grab the microphone from the presenter and try and hold it? It's like, no, I'll hold it. You just speak. Just give it to me. From here, the roof of Alexandra Palace looks like some kind of weird robotic steampunk whale that's breaking water.

Do you see what I mean? It's arched back. No. Right. So just by happenstance, I got a couple of things from a charity shop. And it's a very simple game. I've got four items for you. We might get some bird action. I'm hoping some bird action, or the steampunk robotic whale could swim down across the veld. I am not entertaining this idea any further.

Alright, I'm ready to pray. Four items, but the twist is, this time, is that I'm going to give you the prices. There are four prices, and you have to match the price to the item, okay? Simple as. Paul, I just want to know about one thing. Yeah. How many per twing? How am I going to get the per twing? That's the one thing.

Per twing? One per twing for every right. How am I going to get the per twing? One per twing per correct item. How am I going to get it? How am I going to get a per twing? Nor am I entertaining that. Right. Eli, a per twing per correct item. How am I going to get it? How am I going to get it between? Nor am I entertaining that. Right.

Eli, between per correct answer, if you get all four right. How many extra betwings do I get then? I'm going to give you four betwings. So how many possible

betwings could I get? Eight. Just voice the betwings. Eli Silverman, you could get a potential eight betwings today. Between, between,

between, between, between, between, between, between. Happy? Yes. Now that's a bit naughty. I gave you petwings like you were earning them. No, you're just voicing the petwings.

I could have just voiced one petwing and that would have been... No, but you have to voice the possible petwings. Right, right. Item one. I'm just going to randomly grab these. Item one is this. What is it? Describe it. grab these item one is this what is it describe it um paul this is some kind of grabbing device but the claw it's a like a gun shaped grabber for want of a better word in lime green and it has a picture of a robot on the sort of barrel of the gun part and the the grabber is fashioned to look like um a piece of construction machinery like a one of those diggers or whatever that you get on a building site a bulldozer like there's a

there's basically warning sort of margin on the edges of this grabber and they're sort of scoops and when you pull the trigger it extends not on like the nintendo ultra hand if you ever know that yes but this is obviously a much inferior build quality you can see the the bit that extends is wobbling all around in there already but it does have a surprisingly effective grabbing I'm going to do it on your nose what a successful grab that's item number one okay so you know thoughts and feelings just without knowing the prices in advance I think that's never going to be more than a quid interesting all right next item moving swiftly on what have we got here oh let's give you this one next item number two mr silverman god it's like watching a monkey learn a trick for nuts all right ready yes item number... This is an item that I'm not entirely sure exactly what it is yet,

but I do know what it is fashioned to resemble. Star Wars is R2-D2. It's some kind of light, is it? Oh, it makes noise. You press it. Oh, it's just a purely decorative object. It is a lamp, but the battery's a bit faded and dead, so ideally, you're meant to squeeze it, it makes a sound, and then it lights on.

And then what do you do? It's a little night lamp for your bedside table or something. It's just a little lamp for the table. The fact that this exists kind of depresses me. Yeah. Right. So it's an R2-D2 talking... Let me see if I can make it go. It sounds pretty poorly, actually. It's a talking bedside lamp.

Yeah, well, beeping. No longer functional but you think that's because the batteries run down. I think if you put new batteries in you might be alright with that. It might be a bit more showy and exciting. I've lost. Mate, you've got two more to go. That's like one pound, two quid. It could be up to, I don't know what the top barrier is. It's've got two more to go. That's like £1. Two quid. It could be up to...

I don't know what the top barrier is. It's very hard for me to say. This is just speculative, so don't worry about it. £2.50, I think. All right, next item. Let's give you this. What's this? Oh, this is baubles for beard.

Oh, God, it's really killing me. The shitness of all of this. It's not been shite for a price of shite for a while. No, that was actually a charity shop. All of these are charity shops. me the shitness of all of this it's not been shite for a price of shite for a while no this that was actually a charity shop all of these are charity shops because uh what for junction has a nice selection of charity shops up the main road this is a terrible they're fairy lights for a man's beard basically festive season like kill me now wear them for episode 200 the 21st century equivalent of your uncle grabbing the lampshade and putting it on his head.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. And, like, it's just like... But wear it for episode 200. Have the baubles in. I can't. I don't have enough. I do, don't I? You do have enough.

You've got enough purchase for baubles. I'll consider that, Paul, because it might... Please rest my baubles upon your chin. It might be quite a good look. For 200? Yeah. Yeah, do it. All right.

That's the best item so far i guess but it's still just the cynicism of the whole beard celebration of the beard is something wacky do you know what i mean that symbolizes oh you know what else paul i'm getting fucking eaten to death now by mosquitoes out by this river final item you ready final item here we go what is it it's a rubik's cube of some description but it looks like an oversized rubik's cube the center block in each face is hollow so you could probably feed something i can see the sign it says revo now and oh there's a oh there's a switch. I've seen a switch, Paul. I'm going to switch it on. It probably needs new batteries as well.

Is it actually a game you play with it? So, basically, it looks like a Rubik's Cube. It's an official Rubik's product, and it's called the Rubik's Revo. And the idea is it's a bit like Simon Says. It's a bit like Simon Says. It's a bit like Simon Says. No, no, no, like Simon. So some games, some are more like memory games and some are more like reaction games. So depending on the setting, you press the buttons on either side and you chase the lights around it. Ooh, I want to play that.

Yeah, well, if you put new batteries in, you can probably get it working because at the moment it sounds poorly. Press U to play Lightspeed. Press blue. at the moment it sounds poorly. Press U to play Night Speed. Press U to play Night Speed. Each colour has a different game attached to it and I guess the instruction booklet might tell you more but... Do we have the instructions booklet? Nope.

But we can look online maybe. But that's a... a... a... a... Revo. Easily my favourite item so far. It's a pretty little thing as well isn't it? It's nice and big as well. It's a bit bigger than the Rubix. Right, there are your four items. Now, here are your four prices, Mr. Silverman.

Can I get some background info about where you purchased these? I can't remember the exact stores now off the top of my head, but I was in Watford Junction. Along the main high street, there's a bunch of charity shops, and I went into Barnardo's, Oxfam, British Heart Foundation, all the usuals. And these are all charity shop items? All. Including this? Yeah. The grabber? I think

free... The grabber looks like something you might get in a sort of news agent by the suites. Do you know what I mean? It looks like that. It's a charity shop. Definitely. It's all charity shop bags. In fact, I think these three even came from the same place and that was different. Or maybe those three did and that was different. Either way. The other thing I need to have any chance of getting more than one per twing on the board here Paul is I need a top limit for the most

you spent for everything basically well once I show you the prices you'll know won't you I want oh that we're playing a different version yeah remember I'll give you the prices and you have to attach them to each item so here we go we're going to start with no no I'm just going to give you them in all in the cheapest and most expensive. Here's your first price. 50p. I'll give you a little 50p post-it note. I posted that on my...

No, you post it. You put it on the item you think it is. You do. That's the point. I want you to put it on an item. I have to decide now which one is 50p. You can swap them around. I can swap them around.

So what's the point? I'll keep it here. All right. Well, 50p. Next one is 80p. 80p could be the baubles next these are going to be higher these two next two prices this month one pound pound and finally one pound and 50 pence you have eight 50p 80p one pound and one pound 50 what do you think i'm just going to go with my first notion here paul i'm going to put 50p onto the lime green robot branded grabber with the mechanical vehicle claw so hard to describe that fucker you can see probably a very simple phrase to describe

it pictures i've got i was i had a moment of atp for the beard light abomination one pound that's one pound fifty you've got there one pound rubik's cube game yeah one pound fifty the r2d2 bedside lamp that also talks are you happy that you you're going to stick with those i'm going to give you one chance to well don't oh what look he's giving me the poker face now i'm just saying oh you want to help me here have i got how have i got it wrong he's put 50p on the green claw he's put 80p on the baubles one pound on the rubik's cube and one pound 50 on the r2d2 now all i'm going to say at this point is if you want to i'll allow you to swap any two prices it's that simple the same gambit you'd get on price of right i'm gonna i shouldn't i am i'm gonna put the baubles a quid. No, I'm not. No, I'm not. Sorry. You're going to stick with everything?

Yeah, I'm sticking with it. All right, in that case, I'll pull from my pocket the written down prices. Here come the per-twing. Murderer. Starting with 50p. Here come the per-twing, big per-twing. Let's see. Let's see what happens. Murderer. You ready?

Are you just going to randomly do that gag? Here comes the big... Right, okay, here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, let's get going. Oh, some more ends. Oh, some more ends. They're excited. They've all come to see the...

Oh! Oh, it's kicking off. Oh, it's all kicking off. This happened last time we were up here, Paul. Oops, don't say that. No, I mentioned earlier we've been here before. It's fine. It's not like the Madry mystery thing.

This is bespoke. Listen, shut up. Shut up, moorhens. Time for my petwings. Right, so we're going to buy least to most expensive. First of all, for 50p, you said the claw. The answer is 50p, the claw. Come on.

That's a petwing. That is a petwing Petwing Next ATP For ATP you said the baubles For ATP the answer was And this is a shocker The R2-D2 was ATP

Oh that's unexpected I hope I get one more petwing Right That's it it's broken now Everyone knows I'm not getting top petwings It's bullshit this game Here we go It's bullshit this game This whole format's go. It's bullshit, this game.

This whole format's shit, though, isn't it? You tiring, boring, predictable wank. You didn't win, so everything's bullshit. Well, I gave you the chance. The best I can hope for... What's the best I could do now? Two out of four, innit? Yeah.

So the best I could do, I'm hoping to get one more between from this whole game. All right, well... Well, it's not fucking worth it, is it? One pound, you said. I'm getting eaten alive as well. They must sense the meat on you. The meat on me.

They like the sweet meat on me. Right, so one pound. You said... For one pound, you said it was the Rubik's Cube. And the answer is, for one pound, the Rubik's Cube. Come on. Petwing.

Petwing. That's good. I'm pleased with that which means that the beard item was the most expensive £1.50 which I bought simply for the curveball

yeah good curveball because that is a piece of shit I bet it doesn't even work no I know right fucking terrible like the Rubik's Cube I'd actually like to

give that a little you can have that if you want that thanks very much Paul you want the grabby claw and the R2D2 double or nothing I've got an item

on here here now double or nothing you can steal my pet wings alright or else I get four

if you get this wrong yeah if this is what you need Eli this is what you need to get through this failure then I will happily

double or nothing I'll happily entertain this so I get four pet wings if you need to get through this failure then I will happily I'll happily entertain this so I get four per twings if you don't get this right all right I'm going to produce the item little alarm clock standard mini nice clock face glow-in-the-dark hands bedside table kind of thing white where'd you get it from charity shop around the corner for me one of them then I will say that... North Finchley. Yesterday I got it in North Finchley.

All right. So I'm going to say on a shelf, a little bit overpriced for what it is. I'm going to say 150 for that. 50p. Four for Twings. Well done. Four for Twings. Well done.

All right. Now that you've won back some hollow victory, one more place I'd like to show you, Paul. We're going to go down the passage now. He's going to take me up his dark passage, ladies and gentlemen. Haringey Passage, ladies and gentlemen. The sun has set on our North London soiree, as far away as possible.

The sun has set, the sun's going down. We're going to now go to Eli's dark back passage, where he'll reveal more about why he's taken me up the passage. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Well, of course I'm going to do it. Anyway, well done. You did all right there with your price of shite and some nice prizes. Yes, thanks very much.

I like the Rubik's Cube thing. Right, so where are we and why are we? We're at the very beginning of Haringey Passage, which is a disused sewer that is runs in between the houses and is used as a pathway now it used to be an open sewer at one point and also we're here right at the southernmost end of it where it's gated off here in that park by the right side of the railroad there's a massive stink pipe which is it was a brick chimney to remove the smell big old stinky pipe so we're going to go up uh harangue

passage starting at um freeville um frevel road um frevel road crazy here's our first passage you're right it is back in the day what 1800s this would have been open and exposed them everyone's yeah i think it would be a gulch so i said that's a stink pipe you'll also see other stink pipes dotted along this, which are these big Victorian cast iron sort of chimneys. But they date from the pre-germ theory, when they thought that disease was caused by smells, the miasma theory of disease.

And so that's what they were doing, just removing the smell of shit, because they thought that's what made people sick. It's nice that they built houses so close to this open sewer, to be honest. Or do you think, what, The sewer was first and then... That's the whole of London, mate. People just throw their shit out the window for hundreds of years. All of it just got chucked in the street outside your window. I bet you think, oh, glory days.

I would have thrived back then. Hang on one second. Why? Because I'm what? Because you stink. My character what? Because my character what because my character what i revel i not only do i stink do i i rattle around in poo heaps like a big squishy pig boy is that what you're fucking saying man you rummage in the sprunch of foulness oh here we go he's

trying it now with the newspeak the sprunch of silence another thing to say about the um passageway certain passages of the passageway proportions of the passageway have that old you can see that old flagstone old flagstone which is nice yeah it's got almost kind of like a church pathway feel and it's all especially look at this bit we've come to the next road it crosses look at that one there you can see it's all uneven and it's all smoothly uneven. Pictures on our website, thecheapshow.co.uk Because otherwise, what, you want a picture of Bruce Willis' bald, sad head? We can do that for you, mate.

We're going down Haringey Passage. What's this? What is that? I want you to tell me. Well, I presume it's just someone's kind of air ventilation that they've gated up. Why have they gated that little thing there? So people don't put stuff up it or... Look, you can get through there. It doesn't protect from that. Well then I can't help you.

Will, don't you think it's mysterious? No. Look there's one there but that's over a window. It's her. It's her, yeah, exactly. I don't think it matters. I think you're just making mountains out of molehills. So where does this run to? All the way up to Turnpike Lane. Hits Turnpike Lane.

Oh, really? That little park area by there? No, Turnpike Lane, the actual road halfway down it, where all the curry houses are and all of that up there. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, so that's all the way down there? Yeah. Oh, this is one of the big stinkpipes.

Take a picture of that when you can. Take a picture of the big stink pipe. That's what I mean. If you want to see Eli's big stink pipe, thecheapshare.co.uk. I like the acoustics of this place as well. Vogue to save the tree. Do you know about saving the tree? No, I think that's out of date now.

Is it? I saw a few of them. I didn't notice them last time. Anyway, Vogue to save the tree, ladies and gentlemen. How about that? Now where are we? Ducket Road. Oh yeah, it's Haringey Passage. Take a picture of that sign to prove it. I want to be in this picture. You take a picture of me by the sign that says Haringey Passage. And look cool.

Do I look cool? Is this cool? Roving Maverick Broadcaster, yeah. Does that look cool? Is this cool? Yeah. Roving Maverick Broadcaster. Roving Maverick Broadcaster, yeah. Does that look roving and manic enough? Not roving and manic. What's the word I was looking for? Yeah, I'll do a picture of hard-hitting reporter.

Take it. You look like an egg. Do you mean I look like an egg? Yeah, is it that? Because you've got the mask around your bottom. It makes it all very round. You look like Humpty Dumpty.

I'm Humpty Dumpty, roving reporter. I like the acoustics here. Yeah. Nice and echoey. This part of the passage does have a different character there, doesn't it? More friendly. It's quite nice.

I like the greenery on either side. Do you want me to finish you off at the top of this passage? We should finish off when we turn, yeah? Yeah. There's not much more of the podcast to go, ladies and gentlemen. We've had a nice... What's the word? Sojourn.

Sojourn, yeah. We've had a lovely sojourn. Lucky me. Well, I say nothing on that moment. Where are we now? Pemberley Road. Boys. It says boys there. Stop shouting Boys. It says boys there.

Stop shouting out it says boys there. It sounds so weird and creepy. Car, don't go anywhere. Oh, is that a car? Is it, Paul? You didn't...

I was only protecting your life, mate. Alright, is this the last segment of Passage? I don't know. We're on the last couple. Oh, there's a couple more. No, it goes all the way

up to Turnpike Lane. But we're not getting off at that, no. It's turning off quite soon. All right, good. And then we're going to wrap it up, yeah? It's funny how each one of these passages has almost a different character to them. Yeah, that's cool. Do you see what I mean? You're now starting to like the passageway, aren't you?

One's a little kind of dangerous, one's a little bit more relaxed. They do have different little natures to them, don't they? Yeah, I like it. I think it's... It widens up. When you get a lot further on it widens right out make your own jokes boys and girls we're close now this is warren road we're crossing now warren road warren peace that's the best I

could do so I think we're one across now we just go one more passage of the link of the passage down yeah because there's the three there's the three four one that comes up around your house So I think we're one across now. We'll just go one more passage, link of the passage down. Yeah. Because there's the 341 that comes up round your house. Ah, you see? We'll just be one more over. Yeah, we're one more over, yeah. I'm au fait with Haringey. Yeah.

Well, if you know about the passage, then you're on the next level of being au fait with Haringey, you know? Well, I'm well in... The passage is the lifeblood of this community. I don't think that's true. Here we go, One more passage. Ah. And what a what an unsuspecting passage it is.

It's kind of feels Unsuspecting? Unsuspecting passage. Because look, it's kind of open. You can kind of It smells sweet, this one. It's all that greenery.

Good job on the greenery, Gardner. Yeah. Good bit of the passage, this. I don't know what else to say. So to sum up, Die Hard 5 is definitely not worth your time. It is a miserably made, poorly edited... Cynical and shambolic. Nonsensical, passionless piece of cash-in trash,

and it was so painful we couldn't finish it. All you need to know is that there's a scene at the end where he jumps out the exploding helicopter through into a building right it's the first time I remember

sitting there in the cinema watching it and when that happened I heard this voice go oh fuck off out loud and that person was me and I remember going oh who's that dickhead

so it was me so do not watch Die Hard five do not buy it on the cheap don't bother spend your money on a blu-ray box set just the first three films lovely absolutely lovely and uh we've had some fun we played a little game we had some main odds wine gums a little bit of history of north london and it's good times good times paul i'm glad i got uh that move in with the betwings and that's a good score even if I got them by a hooker by crook you uh you didn't even get a betwing for being within 25p I wasn't playing for betwings I was just playing to delicately bomb your ego

oh thanks mate barmy barmy barmy barmy so next week episode 199 and that comes out on the 9th of October 2020 and that same morning it comes out in the evening you can watch us do episode 200 live how Eli in the morning no we released the podcast in the morning in the evening of the same day we're going to be doing episode

200 live on Twitch what day it's the 9th of October Paul whatul what time 8 p.m and that's british summertime paul and where can you watch it twitch.tv forward slash cheap so etc and uh the etc is spelt etc as in letters eli exemplary work i know i've judged you in the past harshly i'm not being able to remember our email address and stuff. We've got to go home now. But we've got to go home now. We've had fun. We'll see you next week.

Very big day for us. October 9th, episode 199 and 200. Join us. Details on our website. Oh, fucking hell. Shut up. Thecheapshow at gmail.com. www.thecheapshow.co.uk.

Twitter is at thecheapshowpod. I'm at Paul Gannon Show. Eli is... Snoid you spell it E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D and thank you to all our patrons who make this podcast

possible and generally are our lifeblood so if you want to help support this pod patreon.com God did you just let off no that was a weird

stink pipe oh god that went right in my mouth oh what's going on we were right near the end of a perfect lovely pod. Anyway, patreon.com forward slash cheap show. Thank you.

Bye. Bye. you