CheapShow - Ep 199: Strong Sexual Content

Episode Date: October 8, 2020

Warning: Some parts of this podcast talk about sexual themes in a very blunt way... More so than usual. If you can stand the heat of the pod (and the absolutely filthy playing cards) then welcome to the 199th edition of the economy comedy podcast! This week, Paul is on a tight schedule, so it's another rough, uncut(ish) real time episode that somehow crams in a Price of Shite, a Silverman's Platter AND a Paul's Page Turners into 60 mins. You'll bear witness to a proper mucky Price of Shite, the rapping delights of Louis XVI and hear some real talk about SEX. Yes. Sex. The cheap chaps pick up a "Reader's Letters" book and let's just say the issues of the day go from the mundane to the gobsmacking!  OH - and they have to get ready for the LIVE 200th episode on Twitch? You gonna join us? www.twitch.tv/cheapshowetc And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-199-strong-sexual-content If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Paul is writing a book! Want to help make it happen? https://unbound.com/books/ghosts/

Hello everybody, welcome to Cheap Show episode 199. I'm Eli Silverman and over there... I am Paul Gannon and it's exciting times in Cheap Show HQ today because we're prepping for our forthcoming immediate episode 200. 200, right around the corner now and I can feel the anticipation building in. It's a tingle right at the base of my perineum. Now, moving up the shaft, an explosion. An explosion. Yeah. Right at the base Of my perineum Now moving up the shaft It's an explosion An explosion Yeah

Right out the end Right out the end And my metus is winking Your beefy metus If there was an audience In my pants They'd go Oh

That is a cheeky metus Cheeky metus He's got something You know Mischievous Mate Stay on focus All we have to do is say

I can't focus Episode 200 Live on Twitch 9th of to do is say episode 200 live on twitch 9th of october which is tonight if you're listening to it as soon as you get down oh this is complicated fucking yeah you fucking idiot i'll tell them there's no point there's a time weird thing going on with how we describe this because episode 199 goes out on the 9th of october in the morning they'll listen to that and they'll be like, oh, that's exciting. Oh, later this evening, it's going to be 200 live on Twitch. And then the following week, you'll be able to hear it in podcast form.

So if you don't have Twitch and you don't want to take part in what is terribly, a terribly built website, really, in my mind, you can issue that and just listen to the pod. As normal, with special annotations that me and Paul will be adding, like behind-the-scene little winky-winks. Winky-winks. Winking just like this.

No. No, your cheeky meters. Yes, thank you. I'm not calling this episode 199. Cheeky meters. You fucking aren't. You know it. Right, before we go to the credits, though,

here is the dictum of the... Dictum? Dictum. Isn't that a word? Dictum. Yes. I'll give you a dictum. It's when I spoff into your belly button hole.

That's a dictum. It is. Oh, I've had a dictum. I've been dictummed. Yes, how much is it, Fiverr? It's, well, it was. How much for you to give me a sloppy dictum? I'll give you it for free. You will? If you just give me a sloppy dick tum i'll give you it for free you will if you just give me a kiss just give me a blindfold again i was meant to do some information

and already you're spoffing on me belly do you know what a friend of mine once got a no word of a lie a massage in turkey and at the end i believe that pit lemon juice was spritzed up his bum piece lemon juice was what like they squeezed the lemon into it directly? Yeah, a little pipette, a little turkey baster, miniature turkey baster. What does that do to your arsehole? Like a shrew baster. What does that do? A shrew baster full of lemon juice for your arsehole. What is the point of that?

It keeps your arse fresh. Does it? Well, ooh! It's like ooh! Feeling fresh! You'd feel fresh if you had a full body rub down. I think if I was having a nice relaxing massage and then they ended it with a pipette of lemon juice up my arsehole, my reaction's going to be, what are you doing?

Now, Paul, I don't want to give the impression that the pipette was actually pushed into the arsehole. You'd have to get it in, though, otherwise you'd just splash it on my arse cheeks. What's the point of that? No, it splashes right on the ring. So someone has to pull the ring because you've already loosened the guy up

and massaged all around there. You're still going to have to push your hands apart and spread the punch. The bum's kind of holding open. You're going to have to spread them. You are going to have to spread them. Perhaps you gently spread them.

With one hand, thumb and forefinger. What are we talking about? I'm going to try it. I'm going to try it on myself. Please. Right, let's do this. You, punched on your belly

on all fours trying to stick a jif lemon squeezy up your arsehole uh it's gonna happen look the point is i'm trying to say is this week's gonna be really hectic and busy as we as we plan the 200 so this is going to be one of our real-time episodes where we start the clock after the credits roll for an hour and then we see what we can pack in in that time and i'm very excited mr silverman we have a packed girthy chunky show what have we got coming on up on this specially time restricted episode we have a platters we have a cheap no we have a price of shite and we have a little bit of a book read section let's crack on and start the credits mr silverman introduced the show I thought you were doing the credits

I am but you go no no no welcome to Cheap Show something professional like that do it or we can't play the track you sprung this on me

we can't play the track unless you do it otherwise it's going to be weird if I just drop the music in now ladies and gentlemen that's Paul Gannon I'm Eli Silverman and this is Cheap Show

I hate you and your fucking noodle posse People love noodles It's just a fact of Cheap Show You're gonna have to learn to fucking accept Cheap Show Off-brand rap, off--on, off-brand, brand-on. Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep.

Teebshow. It's the price of shite. Paul Gannon. Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheap Show And I go and I nuzzle Recording, start the clock Oh shit, I haven't opened the thing yet Start the clock, Paul

Hang on Done it Right, is it clock started? Start the clock And we're off. Here we go. One hour of cheap show. Ooh, get girthy.

Right, what do you want to start with? Should we start with the price of shite? Get it sorted. Let's do it. High energy. High impact. You grab it. I'll do the theme tune.

Oh, it's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. Oh, it's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. And that is quite correct. Right. Ladies and gentlemen, here. Right, ladies and gentlemen, now we got this really... Mate, we are on fucking the clock.

So what I don't need is any more of your mouth. There's no one at the door. You don't have a doorbell. You just heard it. In all the years, I've never heard a doorbell. Well, you're going to have to crack on and get it. I'll explain to the listeners what's going on then. So we had a lovely package in the PO box

and there was no name attached to the PO box in general. There was a lot of stuff in there, quite a lot. So we've picked a few out, and we are going to use those choice selections of the stuff from the PO box in today's game. What's fascinating, though, is that no name came with this, so I can't thank the person. But if you're the person who sent the box

with the big green game hand in, with the moving, vibrating hand in the finger, get touch and we'll thank you thank you very much right ready explain the po is there a green finger yeah in part of the po box part of one of the things was there was a a game which was like a big plastic green hand that was like you know the thing from adam's family and the idea is you turn it on and it moves around and then it points a finger and that finger points to the truth or dare card. But it's a kid's game so the truth or dare cards

are all like, truth, have you ever seen an episode of EastEnders? Yeah. Dare. Wink. You know,

it's the stuff where it's not all that good. What if it's a different kind of wink? You could make it an adult game if you wrote your own cards. Wink your meters

to the assorted throng. Metus Maximus! No metus Maximus, Mr. Silverman. With his cheeky metus, he winks it to the throng. No metus Maximus, or I shall get... Salute the winkus Maximus! Or I shall reveal my mons pubis. Mons pubis.

Right, so here we are. There are three items I've picked from this list of a few, right? Bonjour, mons leg. What's that from? This is a patwing game. So, we're going to do patwings. How many patwings did we get? Two for being spot on,

one for being out either way by 25 pence. If you get the three in the right order, you get three patwings. Standard. As we're under a time cosh, Paul. Yeah. As we're under a time cosh, Paul, I'm not going to complain About you not voicing

The betwings Alright But I'll give you a betwing now Betwing Is that a little bonus Cuddle betwing It's a little

Free one Thank you I'll put that in my back pocket In case I score zero Right Are you ready for your first item Is it just me You're not playing against me

No it's just for betwings It's just for betwings Because I know the score Because I've seen I had to open the letter To know what the Because the box is full of everything I didn't open the letter to know what the because it could the box is full of

everything I didn't know what was part of you saw you saw it yes I had to you saw it right I saw I'm ready for my first item here we go here you go what's

that it's a piece of do they call it market tree or they call that needle needle work needle picture cross stitch cross pick needle picture it's a needle picture, Paul.

Cross stitch. Of the nature you get in charity shops. Yeah. Ah, I've got it the right way up now. To be fair, for a while, I didn't know what way up it went, but it's... I've got it the right way up now

and I can see it portrays a koala bear. Yes, it does. It says here, jaundice koala. Jaundice because it's yellow. Yeah. And jaundice is what you get if your liver doesn't function properly. Your skin turns... Yellow.

Deep. A deep, sickly yellow. Well, lovely. So that koala's got a drinking problem, you say? Well, he might do if he's on the... I got eye, mate. He's on the eucalyptus beer. I got eye, mate.

He's on the fermented eucalyptus. What did he say? I got eye. I got eye, mate. I'm fucking wrecked. Fuck that. Fuck this, mate. I'm going to fucking shit on your shoulder. How about that? this what did you say i'm good i get i might i'm fucking wrecked fuck that fuck this mate i'm gonna fucking shit on your shoulder are you how about that paul are you trying to outdo my i'm trying

i'm a bit jealous of your australian accent it's been well received by mad people and psychopaths too fucking right betting your one it's not it's my your one is really bad today no you're shit third income listen just. Listen, just saying Australian fucking phrases is not going to cut it round here, okay? Oh, I'll say what? You big galah. You give me something to say then and I'll say it. Say, hello, my name is John Smith.

I work in a bureau. Hello, my name is John Smith and I work in a bureau. That is extremely poor. Sounds like you're trying to do a Michael Caine impression. I did realise halfway through that was Michael Caine. Don't do a Michael Caine impression! You're realise halfway through that was Michael Caine and I don't know. Don't do the Michael Caine impression. You're only supposed

to blow the bloody doors off. Right, so Koala at the Needlecraft. Pretty shoddy. Shoddy. I've seen better examples with more detail. It's quite small.

It's about six by five inches. Pleasant enough little thing, Paul? Pleasant enough. No, I'll give you a little tip. It's got a little hanger. It's got a hanger. Yeah. It has a hanger. No, that's just a bit of loose thread at the back because there's

a little bit of sellotape put together with sellotape this seems to me like it was something that some mad old lady did and when she died they put it in a black bag and dropped it off at a charity shop do we know about the origin of any of these items as in ie where where they were purchased i was going to give you some information on that, actually. I will reveal a few things to you. This was bought in Cornwall at a charity shop. I will say right now, right, that everything you're about to see is dirt cheap.

And I'll even go so far as to say everything is under a pound, right? But it's dirt cheap. That's my big hint to you. And as far as I know, yes, this... I remember... Ah! Ah! I just remember what the trick is. Remember,

one of them is free. One of these items was free. One of these three items is free. Is free. So you're going to have to guess out of the three,

which is three, which out of the three, which one is free. Which of the three is free. And the other two are dirt cheap. I think this jaundiced koala is a high contender

for the free one because do you know what? What? It's unfinished. Whoever's done this It's missing a few bits and bobs hasn't it? Yeah, if she hasn't even

finished filling in the Well this is what I'm thinking the old lady died before she could complete her masterwork. Oh come on man, why? Because she knitted it in her old folks home

and she died and they put everything in a bin bag and gave it to Bernardo something like that. Oh come on Paul. It's probably true. Can't we do something like

I don't know someone dropped their fanny juice on it? I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't instantly think of a backstory to this that involved fanny juice. It'd be nicer than dying, though. How does fanny juice make a cross-stitched jaundiced koala?

Oh, I just had a bit of a discharge on that. Got to get rid of that. And I'm still alive and very well. So what you're saying is someone made it, but then because they got fanny juice on it, they had to give it to a charity shop. Can you sniff it, please, and see if you can recognise fanny?

Oh, hang on. There's something on that. It does smell like a nursing home a bit. Oh, good. I'm correct, because I thought you were going to say it smells like fanny. It smells of the dying days of a hospital ward.

It's a bit antiseptic, isn't it? Sort of that smell. You're right. Anyway, I'm just saying, it would be a better story ward. It's a bit antiseptic, isn't it? Sort of that smell. You're right. Anyway, I'm just saying, it would be a better story if she was just a bit incontinent. It just had a sort of... I was right back on the ward when they had to pull the gun.

No, you weren't. Was she a squirter, though? Right, we are moving on. Right, so that's the first item. Squirty Fanny Koala. Oh, good. You're going to enjoy item number two. Oh, I can see.

They're a pack of playing cards. Sexy men playing cards. Sexy men playing cards. Erotic real men. Yeah. Are there cocks in there? There are so many cocks in there. Proud cocks.

Erect cocks. I don't like this. Relaxed cocks. All kinds of cocks. Small cocks. Big cocks. Some are being held in hands. That would be very, in very poor taste.

I'm hoping that if that happens to be true. Oh, they're all floppy. They're not even getting hard for me. Oh, no, he is bloody hell. See, some are hard and some are soft. Right. Ace of spades, no, it's just... They could be hard, they could be soft,

they could be right, they could be left. This is not fun. No, that's just so ridiculous. The thing is, I know that's a joke thing. No one really buys these cards to play games of poker. You know what I mean? Now, the thing with these as well, look at the back. They look like a normal deck of cards.

They do. So you can freak out your gran. They look nondescript. I don't know why grans keep coming up, but you can freak your gran out, take this to a bridge club, and like, do you know what I mean? So you look at all these cocks, granny. No up but you could freak your gran out take this to a bridge club and like do you know what I mean so you look at all these

cocks granny no but you could sneak this in because it looks like a normal deck of cards on the back it's got a normal sort of lino cut finish

sort of thing you could just stick that in and she'd go and you'd go did you like the cards I gave you gran she was like

oh I've seen it all before love I saw them all I've seen big ones small ones fat ones thin ones veiny ones ch fat ones, thin ones, veiny ones, chubby ones, bulbous ones, ones that look like a mushroom,

ones that look like a hen's neck, one that looks like a turkey's leg, one that looks like an elephant's trunk, one that looks like a skyrocket, one that looks like a cloud, one that looks like an old man's nose, one that looks like a chair leg, one that looks like a caveman's club,

one that looks like... I want two minutes more of this. I can't do this no more. I can't. Right, I hate that. I hate that item. And it's not just because I'm a hetero, right? Let's have a look.

That I hate it. I would probably hate it less if there were girls. But I mean, I don't know. I don't want to get into this. Let's just look at... Let me evaluate the cockage. It's depressing. Two out of ten,

five out of ten, six out of ten, six out of ten, two. One out of ten, five out of ten. Oh, he's whipped his out. He looks happy.

They're all out. What are you talking about? I mean, yeah, but some are kind of just out and some are like, they're pulling them out. Oh, look at this man with the army stuff on.

No, he freaks me out. Why? Because he's got his backpack on. Does he think that's going to help him in war? Does he think that's going to help him in war? Does he think that's going to help him in war, just launching at the enemy with his cock out? Well, that's what you seem to think of penises as. This is one of those few moments on the podcast

where I say images of this part of the show will not be on our website, thechiefshut.co.uk. But look at him. I'm not. Look at him. Why are you sitting on the kitchen counter? You have to eat food off that. I don't want ball-sweating, ass-crack Look at it. Why are you sitting on the kitchen counter? You have to eat food off that.

I don't want ball-sweating arse-crack juice on it. And maybe a bit of dribblage from when they shot his load. And there's no cum shots in this. No, it's kind of just cock. He looks like he's fallen asleep in the shower after taking too many mollies or something. I don't know. Either way, sexy men cards. That's item number two.

And possibly my favourite. Ready for part three? Yes. I've not opened this, but I kind of think I know what it is. So I'm just going to let Eli explain what's going on. Well, it's in bubble wrap, Paul, which I'm going to... Oh, there's two Brucey bonuses in this for you as well. I'll give you those in a minute.

Oh, there's Brucey bonuses what? There's Brucey bonuses. No, I don't think there's price. There's Brucey bonuses for you. What, I just look at? Yeah, you just Brucey bonuses. What? There's Brucey bonuses. No, I don't think there's Brucey bonuses for you. What, I just look at? Yeah, you just look at it. This looks to be a wine glass of some sort, Paul.

This is a real-time episode of Cheap Show. No edits, uncut. Depending on what Eva says. Because, you know, sometimes I have to take stuff out.

Come on, mate. Undo the bubble wrap. Oh, mate, stop making a noise on the mic. Sound sensitive mics. Oh, I can see it's a David Buggy. David Buggy mob. What?

A David Bobby mob? It's a David Bowie wine glass. Whoa. What a lovely thing. He says, ironically, because it's quite horrible. Mate, go and use it. You're going to break Bowie's shaft. Calm.

Give it here. Give it here. Calm down. No. Give it here, give it here, calm down. No, no. Give it here, calm down. I won't be defeated by it. You're eating into the time. I won't be defeated. You're eating into the time.

Stupid sausage-based fingers arrangement. I've got it, I've done it, I've almost done it. It's packed very well, Paul. I'm glad it was packed very well and reached us in one piece, because, you know, things like this, they tend to break and shatter. Yes, they have reached us in one piece, and I'm trying not to packed very well and reached us in one piece because, you know, things like this, they tend to break and shatter. Yes, they have reached us in one piece and I'm trying not to now break the shaft. You should be ashamed of eating into this time. Shut up. It's the tape.

What a nightmare. It's a living hell I won't ever finish. You've turned this into an Edgar Allan Poe poem. I'm just going to ease it over the rim now. Please ease it over the rim. Stretch it and ease it over. Ease this remaining scraggly package over the rim. Squeeze the flap over.

It's done. Fuck you. That was two minutes. Oh, it's Ziggy Stardust era. Yes, it's a sort of stencil which portrays Bowie from... Ziggy play guitar. No, it's the very famous one

taken by Duffy, the photographer Duffy, where he... Yeah. It's sort of a tinted photo with the makeup, the diamond, not diamonds. Diamond dogs. Lightning strike. Lightning strike across his face, red. And I believe that's not from,

I think it's Aladdin Sane was the album which had that picture on. Ziggy play guitar. It definitely wasn't Ziggy Stardust. Ziggy Stardust, he's on a road, isn't he? The best song Bowie ever wrote was Dancing in the Street. No, it wasn't. He wrote that.

He did not write that. And he sang it with Richard Jagger. Who's this amusing for? I'm fine and amusing because it annoys you. Anyway, the base of this one, I don't mind the Bowie thing. Yeah. The Bowie thing, sorry. The Bowie stencil.

That's all right. But I know where you're going to go next with it. It's the fucking base. Someone's covered in glue and red glitter. And there's sort of crystal. where you're going to go next with it it's the fucking base someone's covered in glue and red glitter and there's sort of crystal there's a ring of crystals

right around it is that meant to represent like his costume he wore I guess so because he was glittery wasn't he yeah did he wear that red spandexy

kind of suit that's not a bad item is it it's not a bad item at all it's very tacky but for the Bowie completist

Paul probably a must buy now I'll tell you for this for you it was bought from a YMCA, that one. Oh, I've just given it away. Well, that's not the free item

then, Paul. For twinging the bag. I help too much. You've still got to get the price. Yes, I do. So there's my three items. Porn card, koala, and Bowie glass. Let's do it in the order that they were introduced to me, Paul. The koala. Yeah, I think that's a free item. It's

unfinished. It's very poor quality. Okay. And, you know, it's the type of thing, like, you'd feel bad putting any kind of price on it. Okay. Alright, so free item. Free as in what? It was given to him, or he found it somewhere? I couldn't tell you. Maybe it was one of those, I bought this and they throw that in for free kind of deals.

45p for the cock cards. For the cock cards. For the cock cards. Yeah. And bowie glass. It's 50p. Maybe I'll go down to 30p for the... 35 for the sexy men.

35 for the sexy men. Do I hear 40? 45 for the sexy men here. I want to go 55. I'm thinking about it right now. I want to go 55 for bowie mug. Bowie glass. Okay.

Three for the jaundiced koala. All right. And 35 because I'm trying to get the Petwing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The near price Petwing because those are the Petwings we get mostly. It's true. If you think about it, they're the easiest Petwings to get. They are.

And they're worth just as much as any other Petwing. They are. What if I got all three right? Would you give me some kind of Petwing bonus? I might give you a long Petwing. I don't want a long petwing. Or like a petwing-a-wing-a-wing-a-wing-a-wing. I want a no-strings-attached quick petwing, which I don't

have to think about the next day. Alright, then I'll give you a quick twing against the bike, Sheds. Thank you. Alright? Yes. I'll petwing your twang off. I'll petwing you meet us. I'll read you meet us. I've come to read you meet us. I'm the Gash Man. I've come to read you meet us. Right read your meters. Hello. I'm the Gash Man.

I've come to read your meters. Right. Come on. Oh, hello. I'm the Gash Man. Oh, yes. Look, he's trying to kill time because he's seen the clock. We've got another fucking two minutes for this section. Here we go then.

So, the koala. Hmm. I said it was free. I get two per twings. You do. If it is free. You won't twings you do if it is free you won't now because that was 10p

that wasn't the free item so that was only 10p the free item oh fuck this game it's stupid you're the free item was the sexy men cards

I knew it now same shop as something else and finally the bowie glass was 50p so you get a per twing I won't need this per twing in my back pocket from the preferal you've got a per twing there And finally, the Bowie glass was 50p. So you get a petwing.

I won't need this petwing in my back pocket. No, you've got a petwing there. So one petwing. It's one of those things where, because it's three, it's heavily weighted to either good success or failure, you know, in terms of it's always going to be two for one. It's always going to be two for one, isn't it? No, it's not.

What on earth do you mean? What on earth do you mean by that? It means you can only get two or three. No, try and explain that. Yeah, so it doesn't really make sense what you try to say ladies and gentlemen let's crack on with the show you either do really well or you don't 43 minutes do you know how many betweens were possible there at least six so i could have got one i could have got nine i could have got three how could i got nine uh if you between my meters no you're talking shit i want you to take back what you

said about three being some weird number where you only score low or only high because it's just not true paul it's not true you could score one between as i did i could have scored two between and there's two ways i could have scored two boring fucking wasted two minutes going on about the glass that you couldn't do with your beefy gorilla hands. Animals of the wild have more dexterity than you do. Oh, fuck off. I'm extremely dexterous. And now you're wasting time going into the betwings and the fact that you didn't get the ones you wanted.

I don't know what else you want from me, mate. Fuck. You failed. We're moving on. Next segment is Silverman's Platter, which has been supplied by someone who isn't Eli Silverman. It's another PO Box entry. You've stopped the clock, by the way.

No, I haven't. It's 42 minutes left. Now I had to pause and waste five seconds looking at the clock. Well, you couldn't even fill in to make it interesting. We're not doing it in real time. Aren't you putting a sound effect in here? No, which is real time. Oh, I could do my own sound effects.

No, no sound effects. What about this? What about this, Paul? We're doing the platter. Slightly moving your sunglasses in front of the mic does not count and barely registers. No, this is awful. Your foley work is appalling, Mr. Silverman. Oh, mate, don't.

What about this, Paul? 42 minutes left, mate. Stop playing with the cock cards. What are you going to do? Are you going to fan the cocks in your face? Yes You're going to have 52 cocks in your face at once Go on here we go

Alright I take it That's the sound effect to do then Ladies and gentlemen It's now time for Silverman's Platter I thought you were going to do the sound effect Oh I just said do the sound effect

Okay done Ladies and gentlemen Now it's time for Silverman's Platter I thought you were going to do the sound effect. Oh. I just said do the sound effect. Okay, done. Ladies and gentlemen, now it's time for Silverman's Platter. Utter fucking wretched mess. Yes, it's that part of the show we like to call Silverman's Platters, and it's where we take old records, perhaps they've been forgotten, perhaps some of you remember them, but they're records, aren't they? They're records or songs or novelty songs, Paul, and then we listen to them. We do a little bit of research,

tell you a little bit about the story behind the song, Paul. Yes. And we rate them. We've got a very simple rating system for songs on

Silverman's Platters, Paul. You simply do a hit or miss. But we can't call it that because other people call it that. So it's either a platter, which means we like it,

or it's a splatter, Paul. And that means if it was a... We'd throw it against the wall. Where is your setting set to tedious today? Are you Eli set to tedious? I really am. Right. But before we start this section,

we've got to have a little word from the patron saint of this segment, Paul. I'm going to go over to him right now. Clyde McFatter, are you there, Clyde? Yes. How are you doing today? Fine. Do you like this segment of the show we've named after you? I do.

Right, back to the studio. Thank you. It's a pleasure to be involved in this ongoing segment. Okay, good. Bye then. Bye. Oh, he was was nice chap that man what have we got on silverman's platters this week paul right so we had a load of records come from a uh someone called charlie and hello my name is charlie i've been listening for about two years i've opted to type this out to avoid brutal scrutiny from eli as my handwriting is terrible

that's fair enough now well he didn't say. Well, he didn't say hello to me. He didn't say hello to me either, so don't worry about it. It's just a high cheap show. It's a bit impersonal, isn't it? It is a bit impersonal, but it's fine. I don't know who's being addressed now. So look, the thing is that... And I feel like I've got my back up a bit, Paul, because

he said, oh, Eli's going to scrutinise the handwriting if I write it. You are though, and you do. I accept all types of handwriting. My handwriting's not perfect, Paul. No, because your big, chunky, meaty kind of Play-Doh hands can't hold a pen, can they? Oh, he's coughing. He's coughing.

Old man Eli's coughing. I'm going to fuck you. I'm going to fuck you up. You're going to fuck me, are you? Oh, you cheeky boy. Right, what we're going to do is look at Charlie's records. Now, Charlie sent a load and Eli and I have filtered them out

to the ones that really did interest us and could, you know, inspire us to talk about things around the single, right? What? Just, mate, give me a break, please. Now you're trying to hurry too much because you're mangling. You're starting to mangle language.

I was mangling language. He's mangling language. He's running when he says, I'm the goose. And he's running when he says, I'm the goose. And he's funny when he says, stay out of the water. And I'm a funny man. I'm in constant anguish. And you always mangle language.

Oh, I forgot about the Brucey bonuses from the game. There's one. Oh, my bonus. My bonus. There's your bonus. Oh, I like the bonus, Paul. I'm liking this. Oh, I can see a little badge.

I'm going to pop that on. What's it say? You are a bum. I won't be putting that on. It's a terrible badge. It is a terrible badge. And there's a little Shaun the Sheep from Wallace E. Ingram. Oh, that's quite nice, isn't it? Yeah. I'll definitely put that with all my other

little figurines. Yeah, you can't go wrong with Shaun the Sheep. He's lovely, isn't he? That's good. I like that. Can you do a sheep voice? These were the other two free items, weren't they, Paul? Yeah. Yeah. You can't go wrong with Sean the Sheep. He's lovely, isn't he? That's good. I like that, Sean the Sheep. Can you do a sheep voice? These were the other two free items, weren't they, Paul? Yeah. Yeah. You can have those little Brucey bonuses for you, mate. Right.

So we filtered them out. Now, Charlie... Back to the platter. Charlie wrote a letter. And in the letter goes on about how one of the songs he bought was from a charity shop. And that one of the songs was a black and white minstrel show and he said how difficult it was buying it in the charity shop because the lady looked like she had

you know Caribbean roots kind of thing and he felt bad buying a reasonably racist item from a charity shop just to send to us and I just wanted to say first of all Charlie thank you for your valiant effort but the thing about black and white minstrel show is that there's not much we can do about it

because they're outdated. And, you know, we've talked about it. It's like when we talk about... Oh, he's choking on water. Why can't you drink now either? The bottom line is, we don't need Black and White Minstrel songs sent to us. Jesus Christ.

Jesus wept, Eli. You're dying on air. I'm fine. I'm fine. So, got to get 200 sorted. I'm fine. So, thank you for sending the Black and White Minstrel Show. Don't go through the pain of anyone else having to do it. We're fine.

We're not going to cover it. It's shit. Somebody sent me a Hitler stamp as well, Paul. Yeah, we mentioned that, I think. We don't need stuff like that. I've burnt it. We don't need outwardly shocking stuff for us to talk about. All right.

But thank you. But we found other stuff in there that we'd like to talk about. you didn't take a shit in a can somehow can some shit we'd definitely be opening that no we will not be sniffing someone someone might send that now well as long as it's sealed we won't know until we open it yeah we'll know we'll know it'd be like the end of seven but with a massive hairy log in it. Hairy? Yeah. It's got fuzz on it. Like it's been dropped on a carpet? Yeah, it's been rolled in a carpet first. Come on then. So we don't want any carpet rolled turds in a can.

Can I just express that? I think we should start with that one. So we've covered these topics before. We've covered not only novelty rap songs by comedians but we've also kind of talked about Mel Brooks and his rap songs in particular so what have we got today

Mr Silverman now Paul we were discussing Mel Brooks earlier and you said your favourite Mel Brooks film probably the history of the world part one

no I said my favourite one of his is producers but my guilty I don't want to say guilty pleasure because I hate that term but if I had to pick the one I enjoy the most,

it's probably The History of the World Part 1. Okay, very good. It's a very funny film, but very episodic. It doesn't really hang together in the way some of his best films do. Yeah, but Blazing Saddles hangs together. I'm not saying it's not a better film.

Young Frankenstein hangs together. I'm not saying they're not better films. I'm just saying. The Producers hangs together. Yeah, that's fine. It's definitely better than Spaceballs or Robin Hood Men men in tights and it's better than high anxiety probably there i put those on silent movie i put those on a similar and money stinks i haven't seen either silent movie or money stinks silent movie's got some good gags in it's got that famous gag

with uh marcel marceau turns up in it and he says the only one line of dialogue in the whole film and that's the only line he's ever said in any film. Yeah. Because Marceau is the most famous mime in the world. Now, this is Mel Brooks' It's Good To Be The King rap. Yes.

On 7-inch single. We covered... We covered the Hitler rap from To Be Or Not To Be. Now, in my mind, this is a charity shop record that pops up all the time. I've seen it a lot.

Both in the 12 and the 7-inch version, I believe. And it's on the luggage label for some reason. Which I presume is a luggage label specifically made just for these singles, maybe. It feels like... Why? I don't know. What else came out on luggage? Do you know?

I don't know. I've never seen that label before. This is why I'm saying it was specially made just for the release of the single. I really doubt that because, look, it's got a whole thing where there's a logo of some guy carrying a suitcase and it says should go far yeah and it looks like it probably put stuff out that was like trying to be hit all right so anyway no maybe it is his because it says manufactured distributed by spartan records so maybe it's a subsidiary of spartan probably so you know here's the here's the track in question. Thank you. It was Philly mignon for the aristocrats. There was dukes and counts and barons and earls. I gave them the titles, but I kept the girls.

Clans, redheads, wild brunettes. Ladies in waiting, I didn't wait to get. There was truffles for breakfast, tarts for brunch. The lion of the Follies, but a share for lunch. Oh, yes, it's good to be the king. Oh, la, la, gee, but it's good to be the king. Say it, girls. You can be sure about one thing.

Ooh la la, maybe it's good to be the king. It's good to be the king. So, we weren't going to say, we weren't going to pick this initially as something to talk about, because we thought we've done comedian's rapping, we've done this, that, and the other. And then, just randomly, I found a website called night flight and it had this article titled called it's good to be the king mel brooks 1981 single made him the first white artist to land a rap song on the r&b charts and that and you said that can't be true night flight viewers in early 1984 got a lot of laughs from watching the racy and politically

incorrect music video for mel brooks the hitler rap they may not have realized that they were watching a historically an historical trailblazer as brooks's song was not only unlikely hit single it wasn't even his first time as a rap star okay so this came before the hitler rap then uh this came first yes so maybe encouraged him to do the Hitler rap. What was the Hitler rap from? What movie was it associated with? Well, it was from To Be or Not To Be,

which came much later, like at the end of the 80s, I think, To Be or Not To Be. And what was the basis of To Be or Not To Be? To Be or Not To Be was that story about the Jewish theatre group

that are performing during the rise of the Nazis in the Second World War. Okay. And is that more of a serious film? It's a comedy still. It's a remake of a 1940s, 50s film. But it wasn't a hit for Mel Brooks.

It wasn't a huge hit. Heard of it. But it was well-liked. And the hit, the rap was from that? Yes, it was a spin-off from that. It was the kind of single to release with the film, which is weird because the tone of the film and the song are completely different.

And the film was set during the Second World War, the run-up to the Second World War, so before rap music was a thing. Yeah. Weird. weird well that's why it's incongruous it's just a weird it's strange that he decided to do that now they may have used it in the end you know and they use credits and sequences yeah so in 1981 shortly after the release of the comedy film history of the world part one mel brooks joined with producer songwriter pink peter wingfield who we talked about before because... He wrote and performed 18 with a bullet

and was on the last episode of Silverman's Platters because he played keyboard and did he produce as well on... Oh, yeah, for Rene and Jetem. Rene and who? What was she called? Michelle. Rene and Michelle's version from Alfa Valo LO's version of Jetan had Pete Wingfield on it

as did a lot of other stuff yeah it's a busy busy producer apparently working with Mel Brooks he worked with Mel Brooks on this

they use the catchphrase that Brooks uses in the film when he plays Louis the 16th 10 VI when he says piss boy they keep going

piss boy yes and there's an orgy he goes it's good to be the king. Yeah. He just keeps fucking people the whole way through, doesn't he? So in the persona of the monarch, Brooks raves about living large in the days before the French Revolution claimed his head.

The single was put out in 1982 by Philadelphia soul label WMOT Records. So that is not the version that I hold in my hand, Paul. Okay. So best remembered for releasing Frankie Smith's Double Dutch Bus. Don't. So that is not the version that I hold in my hand, Paul. Okay, so best remembered for releasing Frankie Smith's Double Dutch Bus. Don't know what that is. The song received heavy rotation in New York station WBLS

and while it did not enter the Billboard Top 100, it did reach number 67 on the Billboard Dance Music Chart and 69 on Billboard's R&B chart. Thus, Brooks became the first white artist performing a full-fledged rap song to penetrate the R&B chart. Thus, Brooks became the first white artist performing a full-fledged rap song

to penetrate the R&B chart, a feat that would not be repeated until the Beastie Boys reached number 55 with Hold It Now, Hit It in 1986. Okay. So the Beastie Boys' Fight For Your Right To Party didn't get to the top of the R&B. It probably came after that song

and charted higher than that, whatever that other one is, Hold It, Now Hit It. Okay. In France, the song was even bigger, selling 375,000 copies and going all the way to number two. Now, that is funny, isn't it? That is funny because it's in English, but perhaps the French liked it because they mentioned their history. Yeah. Most striking in the traditions of rap hits like UTFO's Roxxanne roxanne and mc shan's the bridge brooks surprise hit provoked an answer record from the very woman who helped put hip-hop on the american consciousness

roxanne shantay uh no sylvia robinson founder of the sugar hill records of course the label that launched the sugar hill gang and their immortal rapper's delight recorded their own reworded version of the song called it's good to be the queen, which surpassed Brooks' single on the Billboard chart, reaching 53. Robinson also invited Brooks' writer and producer, Wingfield, to collaborate with her and together they wrote The Lover in You for the Sugarhill Gang, with Wingfield playing keyboard and singing backup,

which ends with number 55 on the charts. Wingfield gets all over the shop, doesn't he? He gets all over. In 83, to promote the film To Be or Not To Be, starring Brooks and his wife Anne Bancroft, and directed by long- choreographer sorry alan johnson they re-teamed wingfield and brooks to record to be or not to be which is the natural title of the hitler rap and it has roughly the basic same structure i mean they are very similar it's a historical figure rapping about their life yes yeah it's funny though because in many respects i think

to be or not to is a better composed song I think it's catchier well because they've got the formula down haven't they they've got but the it is very similar in format

so you've got him rapping and then sort of backing singers singing and singing the chorus sort of thing so to promote the film they made a video

and that video had Brooks dressed as Hitler going around and dancing was there any video for it doesn't seem like it some outlets chose not to show the video had Brooks dressed as Hitler going around and dancing with Gestapo fans. Was there any video for... It doesn't seem like it. Some outlets chose not to show the video because of the Nazi imagery.

But the clip got substantial play on Night Flight. Weird. Chris Blackwell's Island Records released a single worldwide, although in the US it was handled by an independent subsidiary called Antilles. Only got a modicum of success. This is the Hitler rap still.

And To Be or Not To Be was only a minor hit in the UK, reaching number 12 on the charts. But it's all over charity shops, that one, the Hitler rap. You see it again and again and again. You see it all over. So in an article on the history of white comedians' use of rap, oh, I'd like to check this out now. Brian Rafferty of Vulture declared,

what's most surprising about Hitler's rap is that it's not awful. Brooks has a decent enough flow and he's smart enough not to wink the joke to death. And that's true. We talked about that before, how he's a really competent wordsmith with that. He's competent, definitely.

And it's kind of clever writing, isn't it? Because he involves all sorts of references to the historical facts and stuff. Yeah. And then finally, the article ends with saying, his earliest single received significant homage from the French mix race rap group Alliance Ethnic

in their 1995 song Respect. The melodic background is a variation of the riff Wingfield created for It's Good to Be the King and the phrase is openly referenced at 3 minutes and 13 seconds into the song.

That's interesting. History can safely say that not only being a king of comedy, but also preceding Eminem and the Beastie Boys and earning the respect of the community that helped create rap music. That is extremely interesting. I think it's to do with the background music, which on this seven that we've got.

Yeah. That Charlie sent. It's got an instrumental on the back. And I think you can imagine it maybe getting some rotation in clubs. Yeah. At the time. Maybe. Maybe just the instrumental, you know.

Because it wouldn't have had to have got that much airplay to still be a hit, right? Because it doesn't seem like it's something you would have heard on the radio a lot

in 1982-3. It wasn't a hit here so we wouldn't have In America though, even so, I don't know, would Casey Kasem have been introducing that?

No, but it's a huge market in America. True. That article said but it's a huge market in America. True. That article said there was like a radio DJ in New York who played it. That's true. It's like Kenny Everett's help making

Bohemian Rhapsody a success. That station probably helped. But he was on Capitol, wasn't he? Kenny Everett. It wasn't a national station. I can't remember if he was on BBC or Capitol at that point. Well, but he has been on Capitol, hasn't he? Yeah, but he might have been on the BBC

when Bohemian Rhapsody came out. But he could make a hit by just being on Capitol, couldn't you? Yes. He wouldn't have to be national. Well, but he has been on Capitol, hasn't he? Yeah, but he might have been on the BBC when the Henry Rafferty But you could make a hit by just being on Capitol, couldn't you? Yes. You wouldn't have to be national. No, not at all. So it's equivalent there.

Well, that's why the Capitol's charity radio songs always did so well because they only had to sell to the greater London area to be good for charity. So, you know, Pat and Nick's songs

may be daft and slightly broke through the public consciousness but ultimately it was just for the local area. Interesting stuff, Paul. And we do like a novelty rap record. We do.

Here on Silverman's Platters, Paul. And that's a fine one, but I do prefer his later rap release. You feel like it was just more better done. Yeah, but unfortunately... But more problematic, because it's Hitler. Yeah.

That's the big difference. Hitler's a problematic character. Well, it's that whole sense of the joke makes fun of Hitler. It's not supporting Hitler. It doesn't boost Hitler's... You know what I mean? It's not about how Hitler's great.

It's a comedy satire song that's very silly and tongue-in-cheek. But you can't outwardly say, oh, I love that Hitler rap. Yeah, exactly. Oh! It's easier to say,

you know, Louis XVI. Yeah. He was funny. Yeah, he was. He used to piss in buckets and boff off wherever he chose. He was a. Yeah, he was. He used to piss in buckets and boff off for every challenge. He was a boff offer.

Right, so the next song on the platter is an interesting one because again, at first I didn't think much about it until I did the research but it's called

Lip-Smacking Rockin' Rollin' by Peter Blake and it sounds like this. We'll be right back. Tell them keep you cool, that's how you get the chicks to drool. If you want to have a ball, you got to get the chicks to fall for that. I hit the smack around the mouth. I hit the smack around the mouth. I'll first show the chicks that you're really kind of smooth. Oh yeah, oh yeah.

I'll check for merchandise as I stroll up to the booth. Oh yeah, oh yeah. When I get to where they're sitting, put my mittens round those kittens. Right, so that's the song, right? Now, we thought initially, it's not that interesting. It's very bad. But it turned out that it's some kind of weird spin-off. So basically, the artist Peter Blake, when I looked up on Wikipedia,

it said he's the actor known for playing this character in the sitcom Dear John, which is one of those 80s sitcoms about pleasant middle-class people having emotional breakdowns. It's a divorcee, isn't he? He gets a letter. Isn't the letter the sort of country song at the beginning

of the episode? Dear John. Yeah, I just ran off with the Milky or whatever. And he's like, oh, it's a comedy about...

And that was him. He was in it. He was in it playing one of the characters. Who was the main? Who was John? I don't give a fuck.

It was that guy who was in that show. You know what I mean? I can't devote any time talking about the sitcom, dear John. Why don't we talk about ever decreasing circles while we're at it? Can I digress? Can I digress?

From May to December while we're at it. Can I digress? Or surgical spirit. All the things that really get the blood pumping. Could I just digress for one second? Yes. Now, when I said Peter,

saw Peter Blake, what sprang to mind is Peter Blake, I believe is the artist, the pop artist who, whose most famous work is the Peter Blake, I believe, is the artist, the pop artist whose most famous work is the Sergeant Pepper, the Beatles' Sergeant Pepper cover.

Oh, yes. Yes. And so I thought, oh, Peter Blake, perhaps he did a record because he was into rock and roll. It's a vanity project of some kind.

And do you know what kind of tweaked me even more in that direction? The fact that this record is on Pepper Records. So I thought, Sergeant Pepper, Pepper Records. Oh, well, it must be, wasn't it at all? No, apparently it's a boring actor who, the fact that this record is on pepper records so i thought sergeant pepper pepper records it

must be wasn't at all no apparently it's a boring actor who the reason why this song came out in the first place because the same actor played a fonzie like character in an advert in the uk for pepsi cola i'm going to play that trailer right now hey eddie how come you're such a big hit with the girls you can tell from what i'm drinking that I'm really kind of smooth, oh yeah I'll take a Pepsi from the counter and a stroller to the booth, oh yeah And when I get to where they're sitting, make my chance to treat these kittens to a Pepsi Pepsi Cola, Lipsmacking Pepsi Cola, Lipsmacking Pepsi Cola, Lipsmacking Pepsi Cola Now, is it not, Paul, exactly the same song just with the Pepsi references taken out? Absolutely, basically the same song with the Pepsi references.

Now, do you know what that reminds me of? What? Another drink. What does it remind you of? The Keora song by... Oh, Fedora. Fedora by Keora. Fedora by...

What were they called? I can't remember now. I can't remember anything. No. But that's drugs for you, kids. It is. Do you know what this fucking show is going to be like in four years' time? I was going...

What? What? What? Who? On last week's episode... A? What? Who are you again?

It's a B-side. What the fuck's a B-side? What the fuck's a B-side? What do you mean a B-side? I've got to write two songs. Two songs? What? So it's interesting. The ad must have been a big enough hit that they thought they could do a cash-in single.

I remember the ad. You know what I remember nicely about the ad? The ladies at the bar. All the ladies at the bar. Yeah. It's a soda jerk, isn't it? Yes. It's a soda bar.

It's a... Hummel, hummel, hummel. And they all swing around with their milkshakes. And their frilly dresses. it's a soda jerk isn't it it's a soda bar it's a and they they all swing around with their milkshakes and their filly dresses and they sing

don't they that is the best bit of the ad not him sort of menacing people he's sort of menacing people trying to enjoy

their burger isn't it a Fonzie character goes I think they were selling two things they were trying to trade I think they were selling two things.

They were trying to trade it. I think they were trading off. Happy Days. That success. Also, the 70s revival of Grease and Shawody Woddy. It's the 70s, 50s revival. 50s rock and roll revival. Yeah, this is 1977. We're dead in the heart of it.

At the height of it. And Paul, Happy Days is a huge part of that as well. Big part of it. Obviously, he's playing the Fonz, isn't he? Type of character. And also, Happy Days is a huge part of that as well. Big part of it. Obviously, he's playing the Fonz, isn't he? Yes. Type of character. And also, so it's trading on vital. Well, Elvis meets the Fonz.

Because he's got a quiff. He's not just like a bad boy mechanic. No, he's got a... He's a rock and roller as well. Which is what the song tries to impart. Like he's an Elvis light kind of thing. And did you notice how low his vocal is in the mix? Very low.

Do you think that was on purpose? Because it's not very strong. Yeah, because he's an actor who's not known for singing he actually releases a full version of an advert very flat vocal to just complete my point one is yes you've got all the happy days greece seven you know 50s arama stuff going on you've also got the fact that they're selling it as an american brand so you've got all the american iconography pepsi it's an american brand it's cool it's get with it's a generational thing for thirdly uh you've got the fact that i think it was coming off or was it going into the thirst smacking

quench bursting that whatever pepsi you know that whole long outfit was like i think we've even talked about on the fucking podcast lip smacking first quenching hot knob squelching spoff blowing horn sucking meters spreading ash spreading, ash. Shod hopping. Gash spreading, fecal meters, Pepsi, drink it, taste the generation. Get a pipette of lemon juice up the ring. A pipette of citric fun. So, that's interesting. But the song's not really remarkable.

It's not remarkable at all. In fact, the B-side. I was going to say, what did you say the B-side? The B-side is more interesting musically and is more in keeping with sort of 70s music, because it's more of a glam. Shall I play a bit of that now? Play a bit of that. Well, I'm a pool operator

Just call me later Don't fuck me now Such a dog to get hung up So why be strong up Stay loose somehow Somehow Well, I'm my own special agent So just be patient

I'm my own man agent So just be patient I'm my own man Take a weight off your feet Don't make further hate You're all a sham A sham Big time clever dick What's the score? Big time clever dick

You're so sure I'll show you baby What's in store Dig it Dick was a scum Big time clever Dick was so strong I'll show you baby What's in store Dig it You'll want more and more And more and more And more You're right, it's also more like showtune-y almost.

It's weird, it feels like it's part of a musical or something. It feels like there's a glam number in a musical. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? It's like somebody writes show tunes trying to sort of pastiche the glam rock style. I mean, it charted reasonably highly, I think, in the UK. It's because people like the ads.

They like the ads. God, the shit that got high in the charts in the 70s. Hang on. Let me just ask Google. Peter Blake, lip smacking. Oh, well Let me just ask Google. Peter Blake, lip smacking. Oh, well, come on, Google. You can do it.

Right. So, yeah, search. I'm going to do a search for it. Now I've got to log in because my face recognition don't work no more. Lip smacking, rock and rolling. Yeah, lip smacking

because obviously the song was originally from the advert, which is lip smacking Coca-Cola, whatever. Pepsi, I don't know. So, yeah, it got to August 26, 1977. It reached number 40 in the UK charts. Yeah, exactly.

Come on, never gets to number three. But even back then, 40 made you money. I made money, but it's not number three. No record that shit could get to number three. You also released another single in 79 called Boogie Breakout with a beat cycle, Rock and Roll Lady. And where did that get to in the charts? It is not mentioned

in this. So that was not in the top 100. No. So that's our Silverman's Platter section. Now Paul, were either of those records

a splatter or a platter for you? I think the Mel Brooks one is a platter but with a caveat, an asterisk saying we've heard it before

even though it's the first one that came out. Why was it a platter? You think it's quite good comedy rap? I think even with the background of it charting and all that history in the R&B news, that's fascinating, which alone makes it worthy of a platter. I'd agree. It's a platter for me, but the Peter Blake lip-smacking rock and rolling is just...

That's one of those splatters where you've got to build up a fecal matter in your rectum and you think you're going to push out on one big go but actually what happens is a burst of air happens a farty sound and it comes out like you're pouring cement out of a back of a truck you know what i mean slurry slurry heavy slurry heavy gritty slurry hello we are heavy slutty and you're overwhelmed with the gas of your own ass before the splashdown happens. And what about this? What about this, Paul? Yeah. What about this, Paul? What about if I had a band

and we were called Engorged Turret? I'm not completely turned off by the title. No, it's good, isn't it? What kind of music would you do? Prog. Right.

Do a sound effect. Now, I've got a sound effect for you. This sound effect's for our next section, Paul's Page Turners. That's a book being opened and rippled. What is going on on Paul's page turners? Again, it came in the same box

as the Price of Shite. What about the records? No, the records were Charlie. Oh yeah, Charlie, but it was the mysterious person who didn't put a name on, to the best of my knowledge. Well, thanks very much for the badge, even though I won't wear that. You are a bum. I mean, that's stupid.

You are a bum. This badge is a's stupid. So, we have 50 minutes left, and I want to get through these letters. This badge is a bum. What looks more like a bum, this badge or me? You. What a stupid fucking question to ask me. Yeah, you do, especially with your beard. You're like a great, you're like Big Daddy's arsehole, right? So, this book is called More Sex Life Letters, edited by Anne Hooper.

Erotic,ational Hilarious More letters on sex I don't want to laugh From the pages of Forum magazine What was Forum? Wasn't it a kind of Soft porny kind of thing?

Yeah I don't want to have a laugh And then spunk up Why? Not because I feel like My imaginary love Is not taking me seriously So I thought what we'd do is

Because this is a collection Of letters and answers You're laughing at me I can't fucking spunk If you're laughing at me Everyone laughed at me not when they see my cock explode right so here's what we're gonna do you won't laugh that when i've come in your eye oh right eli can we focus no one will laugh ever again 14 minutes left and here we're going to go through the letters and you're going to give your response before i read out their response well i

don't know what the format is here paul you didn't explain it very well i'm going to go through the letters and you're going to give your response before I read out their response. Well, I don't know what the format is here, Paul. You didn't explain it very well. I'm going to read out random letters from this book that I've chosen. And I'm going to read you the question. Are they sexy letters? Yeah. Am I laughing or am I wanking

or is it a mixture of both? It could be a mixture of both. So I'll tell you what I'm doing. Here we go. So this first one is a letter from Miss MT in London. MT? She's empty.

I'll fucking fill it. Right. MT! Here's the question that she asks. No? She's empty. I'll fucking fill it. MT! Here's the question that she asks. No one likes my gags anymore. This is a book of collected letters from Forum. Did you see the gag I did, though? I didn't.

I went past it because I'm focusing on content. Is it Mrs. MT? Yeah, I know I got that. Yeah, you are a bummer. I'll wear the badge. How to do fellatio is this letter. It's a short one to get us started. Could you please brief badge. How to do fellatio is this letter. It's a short one to get us started. Could you please brief me on how to do fellatio really well?

I don't want my man to be disappointed with my efforts. Your response, Eli. Come on. Don't blow. Right. Imagine you're licking an ice cream, but you're running out of time because it's melting really fast. Anything else?

Any tongue work? I think that's good enough. That covers the tongue work. All right. Well, there's quite a long answer to this, so I'll pare it down. Oh, God. It goes into all sorts of things. At the same time, his balls will rise and lower quite frequently.

Oh, wow. It goes into quite a lot of detail. That's if you're clenching your balls. Since the man's penis must be held away from the man's belly in order that his maneuver can be carried out, the woman should move the hand holding it up and down the part of the penis

which will not go into her mouth. With the other hand, she should fondle his balls. Again, very lightly. As the man's aroused sensations begin to build up, the woman will notice that his balls now and again move up and down from the root of his penis, pause there for a second or two,

and then move back down again. When he's approaching the point of no return, he'll begin to breathe heavily and will automatically make rhythmic movements with his pelvis. At the same time, his balls will rise and lower more frequently. When this begins to happen,

the woman will know that he is going to come within 30 to 60 seconds. I'm going to keep an army balls now well they start going up and down like a big titted jogger i know that we're in trouble um the woman the really sensuous one will have no compulsion about letting a man ejaculate into her mouth i'm quite convinced that if it were not for the pulsating of the penis, women would be unaware that their partners were ejaculating. However, I must concede that some men's semen has a distinct acid taste which very slightly stings the back

of the throat when swallowed. Whoa! TMI! Has he been sucking off Duke Nukem or something like that? What about if he's been eating fish supper for three weeks? Oh yeah, nothing but asparagus and fish. and then a big little bottle of uh cod liver oil to finish off tastes like she swallowed some swamp water

if the woman is not keen for this or any other reason to accept the semen in her mouth as soon as the man's balls begin to get agitated she can withdraw her mouth and continue with her fingers and take his penis into her if the semen tastes at all it is not a strong taste except in rare cases and a drink of water afterwards would immediately dispel any slight stinging sensations there may be if i did have any kind of tumescence paul it has been drained out by the technical uh manner of that letter right let's go on to the next letter then get eli uncle eli's opinion on this next question oh this one's called Pet Problem. Oh, no.

I haven't told anyone. I bet they're having sex and the dog keeps coming in and looking. I haven't told anyone about this and you're the only place I can be honest. What? I literally let the dog do her. By the way, name and address withheld by request. I recently bought a German Shepherd

because I live in a big city by myself and I felt better about my safety with a watchdog. Fair enough. My dog is very affectionate and on nights when I'm feeling blue, he snuggles into my bed and licks my face and tries his best to cheer me up. Well, you can see where this is leading. Oh my God. I haven't done anything yet that I need to feel ashamed about, but I catch myself fantasizing. And once I had a dream about my dog.

I'm much too ashamed to tell you the details of the dream but you can imagine how i feel should i see a psychiatrist yes am i perverted should i kill my dog i'd hate to do that doesn't say should i kill my dog it does not say should i kill my dog should i get rid of my dog get rid of yeah don't try and embellish this please help me with my problem let me see this let me's exactly what it says. What do you want your advice? Get it over and done with. Put a big slice of biscotta biscuit cream on your flaps and let the dog go to lippy town.

This is a letter from a lady. This is a letter from a lady, isn't it? Yes, I presume so, yes. Well, I would check the legality of what you're considering. I don't think it's fair to attempt a dog to your fanny. I think it's called animal cruelty no matter which way you call it because the animal doesn't know what it's doing.

Zoophilia, no. And if it does know what it's doing then it's a dangerous animal and it needs to be put down. If the dog knows what it's doing, the dog knows what it's doing. Does it know what it's doing though? If it gets a recce and it starts fucking going for it He doesn't know though. You might just think it's fish supper know though it feels like it's fish supper night no it's not fish supper night you don't fuck a fish supper paul it just all it is is that her

dog feels that she is another dog no no she doesn't think that the dog just well what's the dog doing then why is it nothing yet there's just an idea. It's getting an erection. The dog's obviously getting hard for her. Or else the idea wouldn't... Obviously. It wouldn't be in her head. She goes, come on, snuggle, snuggle. And then the dog's like... Oh, all right.

Here we go. Are you going to let this go to waste, love? Oh, God. Come on, let the red rocket fly. Come on. I've got lipstick with just your colour. Sausages. Come on, love.

No, in all seriousness, Paul, I would not, I'd go to, I'd get some help or find someone. So basically, the reply starts off by saying this is not uncommon.

People have these fantasies. It's called this, it's called that. Zooephilia. Yeah, zooephilia. So next paragraph says, I need, I get the impression your emotional life is pretty empty.

We all need love and to be loved. However, if none is available, we take other offers. Hence the relationship that can build between otherwise heterosexual men in prison. That's a bit of a weird stretch of logic. No, you know what this is, Paul? This is from an era where getting fucked by your dog was seen as more acceptable than being gay, basically. I don't know if that's true.

What, look at like, he's saying, oh, because they're in prison. He's basically saying, oh, the only way you'd get into bumming other men was if you were in prison with them, with no fanny for miles. Do you know what I mean? Not because you might like it. This is terrible. When was this published? This must have been like 70s.

It really must have been. when's the first print of this literally the tone of that reply was like 73 the tone of the reply was like don't worry

you know people have all sorts of weird things like fantasies about the same sex and other totally unacceptable things like you know what I mean they're putting it in the same category like wanting your dog to fuck

you as as homosexuality there yeah that's all that's the point i'm making she just says keep the relationship with your dog in perspective and of course don't get involved with it erotically um that will get you overwhelmed with guilt and remorse yeah uh because you know then you might you know you only have that moment after you're coming like there's suddenly a sobriety to the situation do i yeah what you don't want to do is go be like there's a fucking labrador he was like come on love finish me off it's not it's not all about you darling oh terrible terrible man so anyway she basically says yeah go and get help if you if you're upset about this and then he goes p.s i find charm works better ciao ciao next question this is called anal risks oh god one of my chief sources of sexual

stimulation has always been connected with the rectum and anal areas enemas and vibrators give me erections without any contact with my penis this is a guy yes jb from worcestershire i wonder whether you or any of your readers can tell me of any safe stimulants for my rectum. I have read of champagne and spirits being injected, but wonder whether these might cause damage to the rectal lining. Also, will the introduction of suitable-sized fruit of reasonable size lead to any ill effects? As long as such introduction causes no pain. I've in mind such things

as bananas and plums you'd have to use a plum like a conker it would have to be a pretty unright plum as well wouldn't it

if you had a right one it's just going to disintegrate at the entrance also if it goes in you might not be able to get it out so I'd recommend like feeding some

like a string through it tying a knot so at least you could pull it out like conkers yeah but you can't do that because they've got hard tying a knot so at least you can pull it out like conkers yeah but you can't do that because they've got hard pits inside them

so what would you recommend for the arsehole I think I've never heard of champagne in the arsehole before no I wanted to say on a serious note you should never

put booze into your arsehole there's been a lot of deaths from people really yeah like soldiers do it as a dare like they it takes like

just a few glasses of wine up the arse, Paul, to kill you because you absorb. Know your limits. One glass per arse. No, but you do,

you absorb alcohol much, much quicker and more efficiently through the lining of your, the bottom of your alimentary canal. So there have been several deaths where people like, you know, just in a sex game, say, put some, you know,

booze up my arse. And they die. So, but fruit. So I'd say firstly to Mr. JB of Northland. Don't do that. Don't do that. And also,

other than that, you know, as long as you're consenting with yourself and fruit can't consent, obviously. Bananas, I wouldn't try plums,

might be messy. Pineapples, no. Grap I wouldn't try plums. Might be messy. Pineapples. If they're ripe. Grapes. As long as it doesn't hurt. You could string a load of grapes together and make love eggs. You know what I mean?

That's the same idea you just had with plums. Well, plums is the next stage up. You start with peanuts. No, you wouldn't. Grapes. No way. Plums. All of these things.

Melons. And then you've got a trifle up your arse. Well, you could. Put some cream up there. Yeah, and a straw. No, but then you'd have to do a non-alcoholic. Yeah. you could. Put some cream up there. Yeah, and a straw. No, but then you'd have to do a non-alcoholic. Yeah.

No cherry. And some biscuits. Nice. So basically it says that, yeah, funnily enough, it repeats a lot of what you said. Just take care. Don't do anything

that will stretch you out too much. Soft fruit are unlikely to do much harm unless they are big enough to split the anal canal. Alcohol of any sort in the rectum will act as a strong irritant and constant repetition will introduce a inflammatory sensation to the bowels which can become chronic and lead to internal hemorrhoids.

Even repeated enemas using strong soap solution can do this. On the whole, don't bother, so to speak. Don't bother in the hole. We've got one last one. How much time we've got left on the episode, though, Paul? I think we've got like three minutes or something. I don't know. Check.

I'm checking now. Oh, four minutes. We've got plenty of time for this last question. This letter is simply called Toothless Wife. Oh, no. And here we go. Oh, I found that when she has her teeth out, it doesn And here we go. Oh, I found that when she has her teeth out, it doesn't rub as nice.

Chekhov's gun. Here we go. Okay. Shortly before our marriage 20 years ago, my wife... Chekhov's gun. My wife, who was 19 at the time, lost all her teeth due to a severe illness.

Oh, God. A few months before we married, we began sexual activities which were slightly disappointing for both of us. Oh, God. A few months before we married, we began sexual activities which were slightly disappointing for both of us. However, they held significant promise for us to continue our work

at our sexual relationship. Can you just read this properly so it makes sense to me, please? It's just because they write them ornately because real people didn't write this. People in the staff

writer's room wrote these and sent them two desks over to whoever's doing the replies could you please just so i can follow it we've tried numerous ways to please each other all sorts of positions cunnilingus fellatio analingus and intercourse while they were enjoyable and worth repeating none felt quite as good to me as the first time my wife removed her false teeth and performed fellatio on me um can i just say yeah when she went here's the details here we go when she takes my penis into that warm

totally engulfing mouth i see stars oh she can't perform deep throat acrobatics but given it other wonderful abilities who needs that? Not only does she know how to do an expert job of fellating me, was this written by Alan Partridge? She also enjoys it almost as much as I do. Oh, how do you know, mate? Because the tears. When she starts from my rectum and works past my testicles

and the length of my penis, finishing by engulfing it in that wonderful mouth, it's all I can do to keep myself from climaxing Oh, please. Oh. Oh. So what? That's not a fucking question. What's your question? You're happy.

She's happy. Everyone's fucking happy. There's no question. You're happy. She's happy. Everyone's fucking happy. You know, everyone's happy except I feel grotty and grimy on the inside now. Thank you. Thank you. What did he give his fucking name then? Did he give his name?

Withheld by request. No shit, you dirty bastard. Oh. Oh. Oh. Is it possible to have one's sexual desires reduced? What if she does his rectum and a piece of sweet corn comes out

from the night before, yeah? And then she moves up, you know, it gets in her mouth and then the cock goes in. Then she puts her teeth back in and there's a little bit of poo stuck from when she did his rectum in between the teeth. Mate, I tell you what, we won't move on from that,

but sadly we don't have enough time to do the last letter, which is simply called Runs in the Family. And I think we'll leave that for another time. That book is disgusting. It's horrible. It's horrible. I feel really unclean and nasty.

Is this what the fucking podcast has become? Mate, it's now time for us to get ready for episode 200. Right? It is. We have to go now. We're going for us to get ready for episode 200. Right? It is. We have to go now. We're going to have to get ready to go now. We haven't got time. We're nearly at the end.

We've got one minute left of this podcast. Right, shall we go then? Yeah. Did you book the studio? Is it all booked? Yeah, I went around there the other day to check it out. Yeah. It's like part of Harrow that is, it doesn't look nice around there, honestly, Paul.

It doesn't look safe. What's the name of the studio? It's called Eyebrands. Do you want to do It doesn't look safe. What's the name of the studio? It's called iBrands. Do you want to do that without... Just to say it's Brandoff Studios, because that's the gag. It's not even a gag. It's just a plot point. It's called iBrandoff.

It's not called iBrand. We're going to Brandoff Studios to record and do our Twitch stream live, our episode 200, and we'd love you to join us. CheapShow.tv forward slash cheap show if you're listening this on the day it is 8pm uk time cheap show etc yeah you didn't say that i know i'm gonna say it now cheap show.tv forward slash cheap show etc join us uk time 8pm 20 seconds 20 seconds and anything else the website thecheapshow.co.uk follow us on twitter at the cheap show pod i'm all the patrons all the patrons all the patrons i love you watch your twitter quick it's eli

snoidy l-i-s-n-o-i-d and if you'd like to support i love it all podcast please go to patreon.com forward slash we love you i'll get the scruffle novel i'll go with the scruffle i'll get the scruffle i'll get the scruffle it. It's time. I'll get the scuffle Navid. It's time. It's time. Scuffle Navid. Let's go to episode 200. Let's go to episode 200. Here we come. I can't stay. It's too exciting. Goodbye.

See you live.