CheapShow - Ep 201: Tabula Rasa

Episode Date: October 23, 2020

A new episode, a new beginning! After all the pomp and circumstance of Ep 200, it's good to go back to basics and start with a clean slate. The economy comedy podcast dives straight into some good old fashioned CheapShow segments. Eli races through a Sauce Report and a Noodle report before Paul reveals a freshly delivered and also very painful Tales from the Shop Floor. Off Brand/Brand Off returns to satisfy your sweet tooth and to wrap things up, the cheap chaps play a listener donated Price of Shite. Can Eli wrestle back any per-twings? Why is Paul not organized this week and what's with all the singing coming from Eli's mouth? Some mysteries are best left unsolved! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-201-tabula-rasa If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow https://www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow-tony/shop Paul is writing a book! Want to help make it happen? https://unbound.com/books/ghosts/

Ah, Mr Silverman. Episode 201. It is a blank canvas. Oh, shut up. You've ruined it. You have. Why not paint upon the blank canvas that is our podcast with your colours, Mr Silverman? Begin. Show me the colours of your pod. Hello, it is Eli. I'm doing a bit. I come round here to talk and shit. And Paul's also here. He's doing his thing it usually involves him messing it up

like I did oh dear let's start again what a very poor beginner I think we should start again I think what from the beginning episode one

yeah I fucking agree right episode one cunt cunt episode one peas episode one peas

you can't just you know what? Peas and gravy! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast with me, Paul Gannon, and my lovely friend,

Eli Silverman. Can I say my own name? Am I allowed? Do I have that much agency? Am I granted that much movement to even speaketh my own name? Granular pea gravy! You know what?

Why bother giving you things to say? Oh, give us something to say. Well,ular pea gravy. Why bother giving you things to say? Give us something to say. Granular pea gravy. Is that what you've got to offer the podcast? The tabula rasa of the show ahead of us. Our digital tabula rasa. Tabula, tabula rasa. What's the word? It's tabula rasa, isn't it? Tabula, isn't it?

Tabula. Tabula is like a couscous salad. Wait, hang on. You're saying the couscous salad of the show. Now it said couscous salad. I don't know what that is. And it says taboola. It's not. Let me just do it again.

Taboola rasa. Yeah. Taboola rasa is a theory that individuals are born without built-in mental content, and therefore all knowledge comes from experience or perception. Es pittimodulical proponents of Tabula Rasa disagree with the doctrine of innatism, which holds the mind

is born already in possession of certain knowledge. So you're saying, welcome to Cheap Show. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles It's just a fact of Cheap Show

You're gonna have to learn to fucking accept Cheap Show Cheat Show It's the price of shite Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheat Show And I go and I nuzzle

So what am I saying? You're saying I'm not saying Welcome to Cheat Show. And I go and I nuzzle. So what am I saying? You're saying... I'm not saying. You were saying to spread about the tabula rasa of this show. But it's not a tabula rasa. In Locke philosophy, tabula rasa was the theory that at birth, the human mind is a blank slate without rules for processing data. And that data is added and rules for processing are formed solely by one sensory experience.

It's nature versus nurture, Paul. It's also known as the nature versus nurture argument. And Chomsky, before he became a radical... Chomsky. Yeah. Solitary brother, is there still a part of you that wants to give? Is there a dialectical stance you want to take? Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum. you want to take? Anyway, hello everybody.

It's episode 201. Chomsky, what he said, by the way. Solitary brother. Chomsky said, he basically said there's an innate grammar, which is how we take on language. Yeah.

So it'd be against, he was sort of, his theory was against the taboo the rest of it. My dad's mum did nothing. She was an innate grandma. What? Innate grandma?

Yeah. No, I mean, Paul, you can't come up with that. I did just come up with that. No, you did come up with it. I did. But you need to back it up. I did. What show are we doing here now, Paul?

We are doing... We're doing a cheap show. And if you say something and it's some kind of grandma or grandfather we both know this show went off the rails the character needs to be born Genesis out the fanny shoot

of the fanny shoot thank you for your ongoing tasteful contributions or the womb tunnel whatever you want to call it the womb tunnel of cheap show

has birthed innate grandma and I'm going to do her as in portray her yeah please don't do her innate what does I might have a wank with myself while i'm playing in eight grandma episode 201 brand new character in eight grandma here we go oh hello oh you look like two very nice young men do you mind if i sit here and you look like every character Eli's ever done. Oh no, no, no. Like a slightly higher pitch

grumpy Sessions this. Oh no, no, no. I'm quite peckish. This is an awful character. I know nothing about you. I'm getting to the character bit, sonny. Yeah, come on, please get to it quicker. I'm innate. Hello innate grandma. What makes you innate?

Well, I was here for all time I've been here for eternity I've been in the waiting since the we can only hope

this character grows in some respect shall I go I think please do really quickly I'll go bye innate

I'm just asking my computer it means baked in belonging or determined by factors present in an individual from birth yes belonging to the essential nature of something.

Yes, innate. Inherent. Originating in or derived from the mind of constitution of the intellect rather than from experience. Yes, all right, Paul. Tabula rasa. So you do innate, Grandma. What's the characteristics you give to a fucking character? Because I couldn't think of anything.

Tabula rasa ain't no passing phase. It means no worries for the rest of your days. All right, you go for it. It's our problem three, philosophy. Tabula rasa. Now, Paul, what is coming up on the show today? Is it 201, did you say? It's 201.

I'm just going to go old school. We're doing an in-reverse order. At the end of the show, we are ending with a price of shite. Denoted from the PO box, news of which I will also bring you at the end of the show, we are ending with a price of shite denoted from the P.O. Box, news of which I will also bring you at the end of the show. Sent by one of the lovely listeners. Yes, there is one. And there's P.O. Box information at the end of this show, just so you know.

Second of all, we're doing a off-brand brand, off-off-brand brand, off-diddle-diddle-diddle-off-brand-broth. We haven't done it in a while properly, and there's a box that was sent from ages ago, and there's some leftover stuff, and that's part of the price of shite no that's part of the bram brim bram

bram bram you lost me I was thinking about when you said brand off the whole unpleasantness came back up and you know what he will probably fucking he knows he's bugged us you know he bugged me he got a bug right up there

that Freddy goon I didn't mention it at the time He knows. I think he's doing the segment. He's bugged us. You know he bugged me. He got a bug right up there. Yeah, I know. One of his, that Freddie Goon. He didn't like the fact that we left the studio. I didn't mention it at the time, but yeah, right up. At the song contest. I got bugged right. It's nestling. What are you talking about?

I'm saying there's a bug from Brando up my behind. You've got to bug up your bomb from Brando. It's what you're saying that's right you have a secretive listening device in your anus passage yeah so he knows so honestly when you know something that is copyrighted from him under that agreement we were forced to sign under duress we'll just have to call him you know even though he's in prison now yeah uh you know apparently he's got quite a lot of uh do you want me to get that bug out? A lot of suction. Can I get that bug out your ass?

Well, are you going to take me out for a drink first? Yeah. Where will you take me? I'm going to use my severed arm.

So they know they put the arm back on, but it's not my arm. So this is someone else's arm. Whose arm is it? Did you find out? I never found out,

but it turns out they did also find my arm. So I've got a spare now. So I've got a spare now. So I've got just an arm lying around if you ever, you know, need it. All right. Well, it's not sentient though.

No, it's not. So you can do whatever you want with it. Can you feel what the arm feels? No. Are you sure? No, I'm not saying. You cheeky boy. If I leave it here

and you want to use it for anything, you use it. I've put some elastic bands on the table. If I was ever going to fist myself off with someone's discarded limb, it wouldn't be yours, mate. Why not? Because I wouldn't give you that fucking vicarious pleasure. All you've got to do is get the hand, put it into a fist,

wrap some elastic bands around it. How do I put it into a fist? You fold the fingers in. It's all rigor mortis. No, it's all gone that now. You can just bend the hands in. It takes a bit of a crickle and a crack, but you can get the fingers to crickle, crackle into a fist shape.

And then you get some elastic bands and just wrap it in and make it tight and then to be honest with a little bit of lubrication I'm pretty sure you can get it up

in one swift deep move. How would that help me with the bug I've got up my arse from Brand off? Well ah you could leave

one finger pointing out and maybe put it in a little hook shape and you can use it like a back scratcher but you can use it like a back scratcher, but you can use it to pull out slowly the bug from your bottom. Paul, at this point, I'm out of this.

You're out of this what? This little improvisation about your arm. All right, I'll carry on. So then you can take the hand, and if you want, you can put it around the mug, and then put it in the freezer overnight so the hand freezes into that shape. Well, now it's frozen. Now you have to do that when it...

Wait, wait, wait. You're inconsistent. Logic late wait inconsistent logic inconsistency let me finish what about my the hooked finger do i have to freeze the hooked things no that's just that that's just i can just set into place here's the thing i'm trying to say ah you know what a mug's not right maybe get a uh toilet roll right an empty toilet roll tube and you put the hand around that put it in the fridge overnight take it out remove the tube and then after a bit of thawing out it's got it's in a nice you see the action it will be in if you left it in the fridge overnight, take it out, remove the tube, and then after a bit of thawing out, it's in a nice... You see the action it would be in if you left it in that position?

A wanky action, everybody. You used to have a wanky monkey hand. Now you could have a wanky cannon hand. Listen, my wanky monkey hand actually has supernatural powers, unlike your discarded arm. My discarded arm has supernatural powers. What can it do?

I can feel everything it goes through. Yes, exactly. Now you admit it. I won't get it anywhere near my arse. Well, there you go. I've tried and failed, ladies and gentlemen.

And the first segment on the show today, we're going to do right now. We're going to dive right in. Let's go. Oh, I need to branch in this as well. Brandoff is pissed off about this. Branching.

Branching him. It's Brandoff. I need to branch in this. So Brandoff is unhappy that we left the studio covered in blood from episode 200. And he had to pay for a fixer to go in and clean it up.

He's behind bars. How does he do this? Mate, he's got a long reach. He's got a lot of suction, doesn't he? Yeah, he's got a lot of power still. He's got hard suction from behind the bars. Some would say he's more powerful now he's in prison than he was when he was outside. And this is one of the ironies of the modern penal system that we live in, isn't it, Paul?

Because these beasts, these super-rich, if they go inside and they have even more influence and power. Yeah, it's crazy. It's crazy. The system just doesn't work. We should hang them. We should hang Brandoff. Oh, right.

I didn't... Listen. Brang him. Brang Brandoff. Brang him by the breck. Can I just say, the views you're expressing right now towards capital punishment aren't necessarily the views of myself or right now towards capital punishment aren't necessarily

the views of myself or the podcast in general. No, but these are the opinions of me, Paul Gannon, and they only extend to characters within the Cheap Show universe.

Oh, they can get hung, can't they? Hanged, sorry. Hanged. They can get hanged. So we can hang Biffo, Ash, Stuart. We can hang

any of our fictional characters we've created on the show. Okay. So that's the show. Okay. So that's the plan. What are you going to... What? Let's just carry on.

Just carry on with the show. All right, so we're going to start with something we haven't done in a little while. It's a Tales from the Shop Floor. Shop Floor, Shop Floor, Shop Floor. You know what? I've got still a pile of them in my inbox that I need to go through. So if I've not read yours out yet, I apologise. We'll get to it in time.

Don't you worry about that. It's been a bit manic lately with all our big episodes. Oh, here we go. We're going back to the well. He's going've not read yours out yet, I apologise. We'll get to it in time. Don't you worry about that. It's been a bit manic lately with all our big episodes, so we're going back to the well. He's going to be saying that for two years. I was thinking, oh, I'm going to have to go

wade through them, check out which ones I've already read, and then suddenly, in my inbox, pops a fresh one last night. What was it? Fresh, steaming. So this is a hot, fresh,

warm, lovely... Tales from the shop floor. Tales from the shop floor. And it's from a chap called Adam. Right, here we go. I've been a big fan of the show for quite a while now. He's not even saying hello. Oh, sorry, I skipped that.

Don't fucking skip. That's the most important bit, Paul. We see what his fucking inbuilt attitude is towards who's the top host. Yeah? Who's the top host, yeah? Yeah, ready? Who's the top host, yeah?

Yeah, ready? You're going to find out who's the top host, yeah? Dear Paul and Eli. Oh, fuck off. I've been a big fan of the show for quite a while now but i've only just decided that would share this tales from the shop floor well office floor with you nice they do call it the shop floor don't they people who work in offices which is fine it's a loose it's a loose title for an overall workplace it could be a shop floor, it could be the floor of a factory as well, couldn't it? Yeah, exactly. I think that mainly is what it is.

Maybe it is. Everybody out? We're on track? Yeah. Everybody in. But what would they call the floor of WH Smith? Is that a shop floor as well? I guess you could say it's a shop floor.

I don't think it is. It's the retailing... Well, it doesn't matter. ...vestibule. It's the least interesting part of this letter, so let's move on. Well, fucking read it then. Just over a decade ago,

I started for a major insurance underwriter in the travels claim department. Oh God, he's losing me. He's losing me now. Why? It's been two sentences. Insurance underwriter, that bit. Can you listen and then judge accordingly when you've had a bit more information?

He fucking said hello to you. He doesn't think I'm worthy. He doesn't think I'm worthy of the workforce, does he? He thinks I'm outside it. Because he said hello, Paul and Eli, the workforce does he he thinks I'm outside it because he says hello Paul and Eli whatever then he's doing insurance

he wouldn't insure me I bet he wouldn't fucking insure me what's he called Andy I'm tired of this what's he called Andy Adam sorry Adam

come on better get better soon is all I'm saying shut up my day to day job would involve looking through claims forms and supporting evidence

for people who had either who either couldn't go on holiday or had trouble whilst abroad. Sometimes there would be ridiculous claims such as people leaving three grand's worth of jewellery on the back of a hired moped while they went into a shop only to come back to find out their bag had been nicked. Yes. Sometimes

it would be serious medical incidents and some were sad, tragic and harrowing. Sometimes they would be serious medical incidents and some were sad, tragic and harrowing. Sometimes they would be gross. Oh, no. Do you want to roll the dice and have a gambit of where the story might be going at this point? He's going to give us one gross example. Of a travel incident story insurance claim. Well, just going by the most obvious thing, it could be, Paul.

Yeah, just by track record. Dicky tummy thing. You know, everyone complains they get, you know, food poisoning or they get some kind of diarrhea. This could be Paul it could be some kind of dicky tummy thing you know everyone complains they get you know food poisoning or they get some kind of diarrhea this could be a shot

story I think it might well be a shot on a moped I don't know why I'm saying moped it's because you mentioned moped already but I'm imagining like a hippo

you know the way hippos spread their shit oh yeah what do they call it they spread it what do they call it we're both doing the hip hop title

waving it from behind you know when it's shit muck spreading. That's one of the most searing images of my whole life I've ever seen on TV. What, when your dad grabbed the top of your head and turned it forcefully towards the screen? And then he was like, watch the hippo shit. Have you never seen it? And scat spray, son.

It didn't sound like that. Isn't he on... What, your dad? No. Stop with my dad. I don't know why you bring that up. I'm not doing anything with your dad. I know. Yeah, go on. Does your dad listen to this podcast sometimes? No, he dad? No. Stop with my dad. I don't know why you bring it. I'm not doing anything with your dad. I know.

Yeah, go on. Does your dad listen to this podcast sometimes? No, he fucking doesn't. No, good job. He tried the Brent Cross episode. He listened to like a little bit. He's like, he keeps swearing. Yeah, he's out.

So, it was like on a David Attenborough or something. Right. And it was the muck spreading. Muck spreading. It was literally this huge amount of green shit coming out of your glass. Liquid, yeah. And then the tail very efficiently smooshing it all over the... Like a windscreen wiper on a car.

Yeah. Yeah. Very, very alluring. So I'm imagining something like that, but with a person on the back of a moped. Well, let's find out. So when I first started, my manager told me a story about a claim that came in before my time and that he apparently told every new start

assumedly as some kind of mild hazing ritual stroke icebreaker. Oh, sounds like a lovely trap. At first, it seemed apocryphal, just a quick joke to get a reaction, but apparently was definitely true. Yeah, but that's such a, like, you know, you've got to have the story.

Did you hear about... The urban legend story. Now you like, you know, you've got to have the story. Did you hear about... The urban legend story. You're new around here. You've got to hear about the guy who, you know, spoffed into his own mouth and spat it in a drink. Yeah. Or something. Yeah, that's the one.

That's the one we all talk about. So, further down from me in the office was the emergency department. It's a group of people that take phone calls from around the world 24-7 for people who need assistance pronto. So, they're a group of fixers who get things done they organize flights home paying for medical treatment arranging uh emergency passports all the kind of emergency shit that sounds like an exciting part of being probably stressful right

yeah but it's more like hands-on and you get more of a reward because you sort something out for i guess i guess you might not sort something out. Yeah, because, you know, they covered the claim that didn't cover it. So you're like, sorry, mate. Fuck off. Anyway, we're not here to attack the insurance industry. One such incident they dealt with concerned a young man on holiday on a Spanish

party island. He's leaving all the specific details redacted. He was staying at a B&B which had an Ibiza. Possibly. Name one other Spanish party island. I couldn leaving all the specific details redacted. He was staying at a B&B which had an Ibiza, possibly. Name one other Spanish party island. I couldn't tell you one more anyway. Well, that's what I mean. You can't tell me one more. But you could have told me Ibiza. You could have told me Ibiza, couldn't you? He didn't though.

Yeah, but you could have. If I'd said name of a Spanish party island, what would you say? I would only say Ibiza. Yes, thank you. That's the point I'm trying to make. I've done too much coffee now, Paul. I'm warning you right i've got this pitta and a patter ready he was staying at a b&b which had an 11 p.m curfew which is a ridiculous choice of accommodation for a young lad on a boozy adventure just don't do it just don't do it just hostile you know what i mean they're open all hours they are we were gonna before the event weren't we paul we're gonna do

a special in amsterdam. We still might one day in the future. Would we get some kind of hostel maybe for a night? Yeah. We'll do it as cheap as possible. Yeah, we'll do it as cheap as possible on a budget. That's the plan. Come on, mate. You're flagging now. So, it was assumed it was perhaps his only option. Can I just

reiterate, my choice is liquid shit. Right, okay. It's been noted. It is because I'm thinking even noted it's because it's i'm thinking even more so now because he's like a young lad what's he gonna do he's gonna drink like 12 pints all right well can i and shit into the landlady's eye like projectile from across the fucking room and she's like yeah did you watch the mask or something last night So, it was assumed that perhaps this was his only option. One morning, the fella awakens to find himself outside the bed and breakfast,

face down on the grass, extremely hungover and in a lot of pain. After a moment, he realises that he's bleeding, and the source of his pain was his backside. Okay, it's gone there. Well, let's see. Unable to remember the night before and having lost a lot of blood from his rectum he got himself to hospital and contacted our emergency department for assistance given the nature of his injury he became convinced that

his drink had been spiked and he was salted perhaps even sexually very very even sexually ass is bleeding very Very serious business. This is just... I'm not liking this, Paul. You know, this doesn't even have the veneer of funniness that most of these... Eli, just go with the story. I prefer a necrotic fuckhole to this.

Go with it. She was making her own decisions. Let's go with the story and see where it develops. Now it's in a very dark second act, right? This is the second act, the dark part, before the resolution and the glorious, glorious finale. Right. The insurance was paid out for the medical attention he received, and given what happened, our people had to be informed of any future developments.

And there were developments. Things up his arse. After a police investigation of the scene outside of his B&B, it had turned out that there had been no crime committed, other than the crime of being a drunken idiot. The victim's friends have recounted the night back to him, saying that he got absolutely sozzled the night before and insisted on returning back to his hotel alone. Due to the curfew, he was unable to enter the premises through the entry gates and came up with the incredible idea of jumping a security fence around the side. This particular fence was lined around the top with spiked metal posts.

Eli's face is not happy. Being incredibly pissed, his coordination utterly failed him. He slipped and landed arse-first on the spikes and fell to the ground, passing out until morning. That's literally like a nightmare. A livid nightmare. And how could you not remember that? How pissed are you? Mate, I wouldn't want to remember it.

I'd hope. So you'd have that kind of trauma that is just like, oh, I'm just going to... You fall, you slip, you get a spike right up the arsehole. You scream, you probably fall off to the side,

causing some tearing. You know what I mean? And then you fall off to the side and you pass out from the pain and the booze. Yeah. Right? That's what I mean, yeah. The police pieced together this chain of events after he had left his friends in the early hours of the morning by finding chunks of his arse flesh and blood both atop and all down the metal posts.

His claim was nullified for being drunk and was lumbered with several hundred euros worth of medical bills to have his bum repaired, leaving him unable to sit properly for weeks. Aye, aye. That's so unfortunate for him. I hope you enjoyed that as much as I cringed the first time I heard it. On a slightly briefer note, we once had a claim for a woman who alleged that

she had slipped on the dance floor and a bottle went straight up her arse. All the way in. Yeah right. The doctor faxed us a diagram he had drawn to demonstrate the woman's plight and we all had a good laugh at the childish scrawl depicting the anal intrusion. Good work. Hugs and kisses. Adam.

Thank you Adam. Thanks Adam. Hugs and kisses, Adam. Thank you, Adam. Thanks, Adam. So much going on there. This is why you can't do decisions like that when you're drunk. You don't. Don't roll the dice when you're drunk. You really shouldn't. But I'm not one of those people. Here's the law.

I'm quite averse to physical risk anyway. Have you noticed that about me? I'm not into sort of like... You don't want to put yourself in harm's way if necessary. I really don't. You're a coward. I'm a coward. But at least I can roller skate. Yeah, you can? I'm not into sort of like... You don't want to put yourself in harm's way if necessary. I really don't. You're a coward. I'm a coward. But at least I can roller skate.

Yeah, you can. See? Like an angel. But here's the thing. My logic is, if you wouldn't brave it being sober, don't brave it being drunk. Exactly. But it's a certain... People react to booze differently, don't they?

And I have been prone to that kind of thing once or twice. Where you go, oh, I'll do this. Yeah, but it's never like climbing up something no that's there's certain things that you should just remember that you shouldn't ever be doing ever you're pissed climbing things climbing or getting in any body of water remember those two things paul yeah remember when we were at a two festival you got drunk and tried to climb trees yeah yeah i was only doing a little bit doing a monkey impression in the tree and you were throwing twigs down was i And you didn't like it because I had a big pole and I was jabbing it at you like we were doing sports. I do vaguely remember that.

Yeah. And I was shouting, come down, beast. And you were spitting and throwing twigs down. Yeah, I do remember that. And I remember Mark Allen being very disappointed in the both of us. Good times. No, honestly. So you can climb trees.

Good times No honestly So you can climb trees There was a guy I knew Yeah Who got pissed With his mates And like jumped Out of a window

Onto a skip Killed himself Dead Fucking hell So there you go You just misjudged it You know So this is the lesson

You can learn from this If nothing else From this tells On the shop floor Don't do things drunk You wouldn't do sober Yeah Fact

Just don't do it Don't do it Unless you're sober And you can do parkour don't do it drunk also parkour is well dodgy isn't it i mean then when they do it on the top of buildings and stuff but that's the thrill in it it's the thrill that's what they want well i can i can sympathize i'd quite like to do a bit of light sort of urban exploring what do they call it i don't know what you mean going an old factory going to factory like climbing not the not the type where they climb up stuff.

No. Fuck that. Fuck off. I'd like to break into a cemetery or something. Okay, well, there you go. Well, there you go. Let's move on with the show. It's a source report, boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm having a scrum-edge. We've had a few fur-few wonderful things sent. Little cl gentlemen. I'm having a scrum-edge! We've had a few furphy wonderful things said. Little clinky clanky in the scrum-edge bag. We've sent a furphy... I was expecting you to interrupt me again. No, no, I won't, I won't. We have had lovely things sent in the PO box. Quick piece of important news on this.

We've closed the PO box that we shared with Biffo. That account is now closed. You can't send anything to it, and I'm starting a new one up this or next week. So don't send anything until I send out the new address on our website in the next week's episode.

There you go. That's it. Oh, Paul, I just had to hold in a really hard scrummaging while you said that. I've been a very good boy. Clinky clanky scrummage.

Oh, poppy popsies. Oh, look at me sauces, mate. Look at the sauces. Eli's been sent a lovely bag of sauces and noodles. Oh, jugs. Got jugs of sauce here. This is tiresome. I've got jugs of sauce.

Oh, the scrummies. Tiresome. Scribbling round the scummage. Oh, the saucepot comes to mind. I pull it out my scummage. Oh, and then I blow my mind. You're very musical today aren't you Here we go mate

Now some lovely lovely person Give me a second here I don't like what you do when you get all scrummagey You get really feral It's upsetting All this scrummage Found a letter He's done it as well.

Dear Paul and Eli, what's fucking wrong with these guys? Was out shopping the other day, stumbled on a shop specialising in food from Thailand.

Got a few bottles of sauce for me. That's all you need to know. Thank you very much. Ash in Wolves. I hope he's not actually in Wolves.

It'd be very hard to send a letter. You know there's that whole porn sub-genre about wolves. No. Why do you know?

What wolves? Notting, they call it. I've never heard of this. It's all like beaters and alpha wolves and they do knotting and stuff. What's knotting?

It's like pregnant getting scent marking and stuff. So what? Do they dress up as wolves? No, but listen, honestly, there's people, listeners now, Paul, who are going, yeah, wolf porn! No, they're not. Yes, they are.

Maybe one person, max. It's a whole fanfic subgenre. So it's not like people dress up, it's just they write fantasy fiction about having sex with wolves? Yes, as if. Like werewolves? No, but they'll use something like the Batman fanfic, but as if all the characters are sort of wolf... Batwolf.

Yeah. Wolfman. Anyway, Ashen Wolves has sent us some very nice sauces. Firstly, my ploy, sweet chilli sauce. That's a lot of sweet chilli there, Paul. It's quite a lot of sweet chilli. And it's... Is that a chicken it's demonstrating with?

It's 750 centilitres. Is it good? Have you had this before? It's beautiful. It's quite a lot of sweet chilli and it's, is that a chicken it's demonstrated with? It's 750 centilitres. Is it good? Have you had this before? It's beautiful. It's a great sauce. It's made quite good. You know, Ty, don't you remember

sweet chilli sauce about 15 years ago was this kind of revelation to Britain, wasn't it? It was. Do you know what I mean? It was the flavour of the moment.

Yeah. Literally. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. The way, what is now? The way, in a way, salted caramel is now. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. The way, what is now? The way, in a way, salted caramel is now. Do you know what I mean, Paul?

Yeah. It was very exotic. Like no one had ever, and it appeals to the British taste because it's sweet. Yeah. They're like sweet. You know,

anything, they put sugar in anything, we'll all suck it up here, won't we? Like fucking rodents. Anyway, so, but to be honest,

Ashen Wolves, that doesn't really tingle my sauce dongle that much do you know what i mean but it's nice to have it's very common but it's delicious delicious on some eggs put it on eggs yeah put it in a noodle you can dip with that as well dip it you can you can do what i call the plunge no you don't do a plunge i could plunge it put my balls in the soup whatever it is whatever it is you end up saying you haven't got a plunge. I could plunge it. Put my balls in the soup. Whatever it is. Whatever it is you end up saying. Paul, you haven't got the energy to do me today, do you? No, I just, you know what it is? This is a vampire segment for me. It just

drains me of my pod blood. But I also got some Suri brand spring roll dipping sauce. It looks very similar from the untrained eye to the sweet chilli, but I think it's got a bit more zing. Yeah. A bit more zap and it's thicker.

It's very thick, yeah. It's more gloopy. It's nice. More sugary. That's quite interesting. And I also got this Zab Mook fermented fish sauce. Look at how brown. What?

What's that? That looks how brown it is. Zab Mike by Mike. Get a reach for it like a baby. Let me have a look at it for a bit. Fermented for seasoning papaya salad. So it's specifically for this salad. Good taste.

Yeah, it seems to be. Great aroma. But you wouldn't have to use papaya. You could use like green mango or other vegetables. Right, okay. To substitute. Yeah.

That's very nice, but I saved the best to last from Ash from Wolves in terms of the sauce he's provided. Thank you very much. He's going to save the best to last. I have, because look terms of the sauce he's provided. Thank you very much. He's going to save the best to last. I have.

Because look, this not only is the brand Lobo, I like a fucking insane sauce brand Lobo. This is meatball dipping sauce. That's very specific.

If I was going to do the plunge, the run and plunge, I could fill a melon with that, get it in the freezer a couple of hours, then let it just get

just so it's icy but not actually solid anymore. Then've got a special pan whatever you want to say mate special pants with a poultice shaped hole cut out of them over the junk you know i'm saying run and drop and plop on zip and dip but this is lobo meatball dipping sauce you could that's going to be good you can see what's the base ingredients of it well I can see there's chilli in there

right let's see it's got a bit of a spice there Paul let's have a little scientific look and actually read the ingredients yeah sugar

it's sweet baby yeah water it's wet baby yeah tamarind paste so it's tamarind before the chilli

yeah tamarind you know the taste of tamarind yeah you know what tamarind is it's those sweets. Tamarind. You know the taste of tamarind. Yeah. You know what tamarind is? It's those sweets from Mexico that you hate. Yeah. You wouldn't like this.

No. It's a very tamarindy sauce. Do not like. I'm sure that's delicious. Paul. Yes. And what else was in the bag? I've been forced, fucking forced, to coagulate the sauce report into the noodle special.

Noodle sport. I just picked up this amusing sesame flavour ramen the other day. Look what it contains. Egg block. Do you know what, Paul? If you have five of them, do you know what you get around your arse?

No. Egg block. What do you mean, round your arse? That doesn't mean anything, does it? Your arse is blocked from the eggs. I had ten of these egg blocks, Paul, and you know what I had in my ass? A block of eggs.

Yeah. Couldn't shift it. No. You had to work it out with my hand, didn't you? With the finger. Oh, fuck. Imagine that. We should be tasting this.

Would you be up for it? You've got to taste this egg block. I would like to taste that, actually. That looks fun. It's weird. Sesame flavoured with an egg block. So that's like basically a little omelette. Yes.

But a little dehydrated omelette. Yeah. I've never seen that before. In a noodle. Is that from the PO box? No, I picked this up myself. Okay, so what are the two you got from the PO box

that you said were quite unusual? Oh, yeah. These are from Ashen Wolves. Yeah. These are Nissin, which is a great brand and the original brand. Well, you know,

you can't go wrong with Nissin. Five Spice Beef Flavour, which I haven't actually had. If you don't have Nissin, you don't know what you're missing. Indeed. So that's it for the do-do-do. You've sapped my will to enjoy life.

Also in the PO box, or I think, or maybe, again, this is addendum to the Brandoff, off-brand Brandoff. I think Biffo said he gave us these, but I can't remember.

But anyway, someone gave us these. It's Biffo, because he was going on about it when we were doing the 200. So Seabrooks, who make reasonably good cheap crisps, usually wrinkled. You know what I mean?

Crinkled chips. But they're in B&Ms, aren't they? Like loads of them. Yeah. They're not like a proper first-ranked crisp brand, are they? Because you wouldn't have them in the corner shop. No. Why wouldn't you?

Because they're budget. No, they are. No, I've seen them in corner shops. You have? I have. No, I have, actually. So they're a nice budget crisp. And I think stand reasonably well on a budget.

Anyway, he sent us this because he said they tasted just like what they say on the packet, and it is Seabrook's 75 Years of Brilliant Crisps, fish and chip flavour. Gluten-free and vegetarian. Apparently they're not too fishy. Eli, it's time for the Huff Report, so let's just dive straight in. Nose package. He's getting his nose clean right up. My nose passage is very clear.

I just need to take a neutral huff of air. That's the neutral one. That's the neutral one. Here we go. Very professional. I'm just inhaling clean air all the way up to the huff. And I'm having that issue again, Paul, where I can't get a small huff-shaped corner off my...

It's a thick package. Maybe you... I've done it. I've got a nostril... Oh, I've already got quite a stale, fishy smell coming off these crisps. I have to... I think it'd be remiss of me not to mention to you

at this point. Now, Paul, are you safe to try these? Yes. Because you are allergic to fish. No, these don't have any fish in them. Okay. So what are they used to make, like

glue or something to make it smell like fish? Glue-flavoured crisps. Here we go. Go. The half...

I'm getting it. I'm getting it now. Go on. What are you thinking? Is it fish and chips? Yeah, but like the day after when it's all gone hard on the plate

and the skin is stuck to the plate. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Stinky fish. Very cod liver-y. Yeah. Cod liver oil. Have a huff on that, Paul.

I'm opening the pack wide. Oh, it's potent, isn't it? Yeah. Oh, mother! What's the smell like? It's really strong. It's got a lot of contents, isn't it? Yeah. Oh, mother! What's the smell like? It's really strong. It's strong. It's almost scampi fries-y.

It is very much. Oh, there's a sort of sweetness. Yeah, there's a sweetness to it. Fish, and you can actually smell the vinegar a bit, can't you? Yeah. And now Seabrooks are ridged. That's their whole deal. That's their gimmick, isn't it?

Okay. All right, I'm going to try one now. Here we go. It tastes like scampi but slightly more vinegary but it's that sweet vinegar isn't it yeah it has that sweetness that you like doesn't it like the smith square crisp salt vinegar vinegar the smell of the fish isn't as overwhelming it's just nowhere near as well the flavor yeah is nowhere near as overwhelming as the smell absolutely i was expecting something much worse, but the smell is almost,

it's verging on unpleasant, don't you think? It's a bit overpowering. But once you've got it in your mouth... It's quite tasty. It's actually more like a salt and vinegar crisp. They're quite subtle. Yeah. They've got aspects of salt and vinegar,

but also aspects of scampi fries, don't they? Yeah. They're very nice. But it does have a scampi aftertaste. Yeah, yeah. That lingers. That's a very nice flavour.

Nice crisp. Yeah, vegan and vegetarian, they say. Do you think it would ever join the pantheon of flavours? Do you think any flavour will join the pantheon of flavours ever again? Like a new one? Yeah, because beef was new, wasn't it? Beef wasn't original. I would say a new modern classic is sweet chilli crisp flavours.

Yeah. The sensations and then everyone else. That's kind of a modern classic. Yes. Right, Paul, let's... Did daddy make a point? Yeah, daddy made a point. Now, if you're going to help me, it's time for...

We're going to do the theme tune to this segment, yeah? Yes, it's time for a much-loved segment that we don't get to do as often as we like, but here we go. Ladies and gentlemen,

let's just warm up the orchestra. Oh, the mouth noise was there. Do the mouth noise again. Here we go. Here we go. Oh, off Randolph, off Randolph, off Randolph, off Randolph, off Randolph, off Randolph, off Randolph, off Randolph, off Randolph, off Randolph, off Randolph, off Randolph, off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off brand off losing your mind. Brand off. Brand off. Brand off.

Right. Now. Brand off. Brand off. Brand off. Remember, you're going to need a clean palate for this. This is very important. We're doing an off-brand brand off.

Now, Mark Honeyborn, who gave us some stuff in the past. I need to clean my palate. I've got them full of fucking fish and chip flavoured crisps. Eat this lovely fermented fish sauce. Drink that. Don't. Don't, please don't. Oh, you know, you fucking, yeah. You suggest something.

That's how far I'm prepared to go for you, Paul. How is sipping that going to... Oh, what's that? Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, he's drinking it. Don't drink it. Oh, my God. Don't drink it. Oh, my God. Don't drink it.

Oh, my God. Why did you do that? The ocean. Why did you do that? I'm going to have a sniff. Don't spill any, man. I just drank some of that. Do you know what that smelled like?

Do you know what it smells like? You know when there's an empty aquarium and it hasn't been cleaned? It tastes so much like that. All the fish died and they drained the water and that's the smell that's left. That is horrible. It's in my mouth.

I'm going to get some water. Go on, you get some water because I need to shake that off. All right. You're back. I'm back. Oh, mate, that was quite the fucking stench. I tasted it.

I know. But with the papaya, on the actual papaya, it'd be nice. It's not for drinking. It's a sauce to complement other flavors. That's right. Right, good. Yeah. So as a result, now do you think you're ready to taste some chocolate?

Yeah. Right, good. So Mark Honeyborn sent us this in the past, and then I ate them, so he sent them again. So now we're doing them on the show. These are those. That's the least we can do. Now, he sent them again. So now we're doing them on the show, because at least we can do them. Now, he sent a load of chocolate bars in, but here's the problem. Some of them were so different, like dark chocolate versus milk chocolate, that I just wanted to focus on milk chocolate bars and the cheap alternative.

So we have four bars here today. We have the classic, the British standard, the Dairy Milk Cadbury's Chocolate. Cadbury's Dairy Milk is probably the most famous chocolate brand in in you in the uk would you say and also you've got to remember that um the change of flavor over the years because of the craft takeover yeah that's about 10 years ago now isn't it yeah but as a result of that you know it doesn't taste like it's not it's not it's not don't you think no i don't i don't it still tastes like cadbury's though i mean i reckon i'll be able to recognize it no i think you will i don't think that's going to change that much so

they must have done something i just keep it the same it's slightly lesser quality right yeah what else um we have the opposite end of the scale the luxury chocolate is the lind bar well that's the one with the chefs the special chefs who live in the mountains now mostly in this country i think they're more famous for the little balls that they make with the forging and the chocolate rabbits at Easter. You know, that's the thing. But they make a range of posh quality chocolate bars. Anyway, Lin's the posh one on this. And then we've got Dairy Milk as the standard.

Now, the budget ones are two Morrison's brand. One, their own brand. And then for some reason, there's a Morrison own brand too, which is slightly cheaper, right? They do two levels. Well, it's very similar to when we did the mayonnaise and they had the same

as his own brand. And then the budget. And the budget. So what it is, is the budget. This is good. This is why this is one of the, like a classic segment.

This is a textbook. This is proper. We're back to the basics with Brand Off here. Right. Shall I put my blindfold on? Please put your blindfold on. Listeners, the off-brand Brandoff is a detection traditionally where I blind test taste.

Taste test. Yes. Sorry. Blind. You're not going to cut it, are you, when I fuck up? No. You never cut it when I fuck up. I sound like a blabbermouth.

Right. Taste test. A. Taste test. A blind taste test. We take a product, perhaps a high prestige product, a branded product, and then we taste its knockoff counterpart, usually from a budget supermarket. But this time, Morrison's isn't as budget as something like Aldi or Lidl, is it? Well, as far as I remember, Morrison's was a kind of northern chain, primarily of supermarkets that slowly slipped into the south. You didn't used to see them as much in London 20 years ago.

But now they pop up everywhere. But they're not like a budget. They were like Asda level. It's like Safeway. Didn't they buy out Asda? I don't know. I think they bought out Asda. I don't think so.

Yes, they did. Asda's huge. No, they bought out Asda. Asda doesn't exist. Asda's owned by Walmart. Asda does not exist anymore. It does. You can't fool me. I went to an As. Yes, they did. Because Asda's huge. No, they bought out Asda. Asda doesn't exist. Asda's owned by Walmart. Asda does not exist anymore. It does. You can't fool me.

I went to an Asda a few weeks ago. No, you fucking didn't. It was a Morrison's. It was next to B&M. It was a Morrison's. It wasn't. I fucking know what I went into, and I went into an Asda. You don't know.

They're manipulating you. Oh, here we fucking go. Queuing on Eli. He's fucking coming in. You twat. So, I'm going to give you a piece of each of these chocolates segment by segment now I have to give you a small

bit Eli because the design of each chocolate is very different you may understand which one's which I don't want to I don't want to cheat by having a little feel of any of these so I'm going to like for example Jaffa cakes yeah Jaffa

cakes you could tell straight away from the size if nothing else if nothing else so I don't so you else. If nothing else. So, I don't think... So, you're going to disguise the topography of each segment. As best I can. Please. It's hard because

each one's so differently built. Okay. But we'll do our best. Just give me a corner. I'm going to give you a corner. That's the plan, all right? We're going to have one corner of each four of these

and what is my task in tasting these pieces of chocolate today, Paul? I think what's going to happen is you're just going to taste one, taste all four, actually, and then at the end you'll say, that one was that one, that one is that one, that one is that going to taste one taste all four actually and then at the end you'll say that one was that one that one is that one that one is that one that one is that one and then at the end of them just say and that's my

favorite and that's my favorite keep it simple all right relatively speaking so please don the uh i just need to have a sip of water he's having a sip of water then he'll be donning his uh blindfold which today is a delightful slightly neon pink is this neon day glow in it day glowy kind of pink czech scarf it's delightful thing pictures of which you'll see on the website the cheapshow.co.uk are you secure now i don't need to test the security of this blindfold eli takes it very seriously and therefore about this yeah and i take it seriously so just you're gonna have to just make sure that my mouth's in front of the microphone paul well yeah you'll do all right here we go okay so um are you ready for your first piece of chocolate ready i'm gonna do it as silently as possible so we usually would

look at the brands but i don't even he like to look at the brand so he doesn't know what type of container this is coming from because some are cardboard some are doing it you already got bits out of each yeah i've already pulled a little bit of probably hear the cardboard on the lint couldn't yeah exactly so this one's a little bit melty apologize in advance uh but here we go straight in the hand in your gob in it goes oh he's having a sniff oh you know what i'm thinking this is one of the cheaper ones if not the cheapest morrison's knockoff because it smell doesn't smell like chocolate at all it smells like white chocolate interesting now it's a little gone a little melty in the pack, so bear that in mind, all right? You know what?

Is it just too melty? It doesn't taste like chocolate at all. Really? That's so cheap. It's like really that sharp sugar. Okay. The sharp sugar, and then there's no grain. Oh, that's got a real Christmas, terrible, cheap Christmas chocolate

aftertaste to it. There's no bitterness from cocoa at all. Do you know what I mean? There's none of that sharp, the bitterness that you need. God, and it smelt like white chocolate. Now, I'm going to admit something now, because I think it's only fair. I've looked at the chocolate and it's a little bit white.

I think it might be a little bit past its sell-by date on reflection. Let's have a look. When's the sell-by date? I don't care. It lasts forever. Don't worry about it. Oh, no. It says the 5th of next year, but I don't know. It's fine, mate. Either way. It's not rotten, is it? No, no, no. That's just dust. Alright.

Either way. That's cocoa dust. I wanted to be honest with you so you didn't think I was fudging the results. Alright? Is that fair enough? Okay. Those are my thoughts on that first one. I reckon that's the cheapest knock-off. I think that's the knock-off Morrisons. No, the budget Morrisons. Do you want to wait till the end and then say what all four are?

I'm just going to revise my choices as is what I want. I just don't want to write anything down yet. So that is item number two. That's got much nicer texture, more gelatinous. There's more firmness. That's good. So it's got a better body.

And you can taste the milk better. But it doesn't... I'm looking for a certain sort of chalkiness that I reckon is the Cadbury's, and that doesn't have it. Okay. Is it a pleasant chocolate? Yes, fine. I would guess that that is just the Morrison's knockoff.

Well, I'll tell you what. I'm going to give you what they are. So you've got Cadbury's, you've got Lindt, and then you've got what i've called morrison's white which is not a white chocolate bar just that's the wrapper which is the budget one right and then morrison's blue which is the standard morrison's chocolate i think that one i just had was the morrison's blue okay all right cool right so next one third it doesn't have that didn't it didn't speak cabris to me okay but it didn't taste too bad. It was a nice amplitude with the milk and the cocoa.

That's the word, ladies and gentlemen, the amplitude. It hasn't got the Cadbury's amplitude. Ready for the third one? No, it definitely doesn't. It doesn't have the gestalt of Cadbury's, which I'm looking for when it just hits me in the mouth. Here we go. A big gestalt across the whole mouth.

Choccy 3. Choccy 3 goes in the gobble, and he chews and eats and thinks. What are you thinking Mr Silverman? I think that's the lint. You think that's the lint? But I might have to revise this or... When you've got the fourth and final. So here we go. That's got the best amplitude so far.

But you think it's the lint amplitude? Yeah, because it's not, again, I'm not getting the whole sort of, I'm looking for that thin slice that just says Cadbury's. Do you know what I mean? When it soothes it hits, just blam, you know? And I haven't had that with any of these three so far. I'm hoping it happens here. Well, here we go.

Otherwise, I'm... You get a bit stuck. Otherwise, I'm stuck. Here's four. It's a bit bigger, this one, sorry. By all means, take the bite size you wish to determine your decision. So here is the fourth of the four chocolates.

Yeah, that's the Cadbury's. Interesting. Okay. And you think it's got the amplitude of the Cadbury's? Yeah, it's got that slightly more grainy, chalky. Right. Eli, are there any you'd like to try again before I ask you to lock in your four answers? Number three.

Number three. Here we go. Hand out. That's number three. I'm handing to Eli again. Yeah, that's the Lint. All right. So I'm going to go through chocolate number one.

What do you think chocolate number one was? What did I say? I said the budget. That was the weakest. It smelled like white chocolate. So you thought that was what? Morrison's Blue or Morrison's White? Morrison's White, which is the budget one. Am I right in thinking that? I mean, I'll tell you once all the answers are right. Yeah, but I just want to know that I'm talking about the right one. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The cheapest one is Morrison's White. Cheapest one. I think that was the cheapest one, yeah. Alright, so the next one, item number two, chocolate number two, what do you think that was? The Morrison's White. Cheapest one. I think that was the cheapest one, yeah. All right. So the next one, item number two, chocolate number two, what do you think that was? The Morrison's Blue. All right. The third one then? Lindt.

So you think Lindt. And then finally, that would leave the dairy milk. I think that was the fourth one, yeah. Yeah. All right. So you think the first was Morrison's White? Can I take my blindfold off yet? Yes, you can So, you think the first was Morrison's White? Can I take my blindfold off yet? Yes, you can.

So, you thought the first was Morrison's White, the second was Morrison's Blue, the next was Lint, and then the final was Dairy Milk. Yeah? I did. You're locking those in.

Right, it's locked in. It's locked in. Before we go any further, what was your favourite out of the four? Probably the Lint. So, the third one. Yeah. All right, in. Before we go any further, what was your favourite out of the four? Probably the lint. So the third one. Yeah.

All right. Okay. I would be bowled over if that third one is in fact the cheapest. If I got it totally opposite wrong. I'll eat my hat, Paul. All right. Well. I'll eat my pants.

How about that? Here we go. I will actually put my pants in my mouth for you. I'll take them off. Shall I take them off now? So near the end, mate. Just let me do this. Can I take them off in case you... Don't do anything at all. I could take them off. Shall I take them off now? So near the end, mate. Just let me do this. Can I take them off in case you...

Don't do anything at all. I could suck my pants. I'll suck the gusset on my pants. I'll come in. I'll come in again. Eli reaches into the bin of his words and pulls out whatever he can grab and now it's gusset sucking. Gusset sucking, ladies and gentlemen. Come on, man.

Don't come on, man, to me when you're being the distraction. These aren't between. Shut up. This is just a serious, serious. No, you said for the first chocolate, it was Morrison,

you said. Cheap, nasty, worst. Morrison White. That was the lint. Fucking hell. That was the lint. Now, remember I said at the first that it

was gone a bit off. Look at the chocolate now and see what you think. They're all in date, but if you turn it over, you see how it's like white in that way. It gets a bit oxidized. Yeah, but if you turn it over, you see how it's like white in that way?

It gets a bit oxidised. Yeah, but that shouldn't know. That's just nasty. Take a little bite again, now that you know it's Lindt. Does that change your opinion on it? No. No.

I just wonder if it's been changed. It's got no cocoa flavour at all. Oh, there you go. It's much worse. That's awful. It tastes like toffee. It doesn't even taste like chocolate. Interesting.

Have you tried that? Yeah. I thought it was a little bit... It didn't taste like Lindt to me, put it that way, which is a lot smoother, usually. Almost like Galaxy. It's just terrible. That's a terrible chocolate.

Anyway, but I'm not... Oh, they have... That is bad news. I just wonder if something's happened to that chocolate in this instance. No, no, no, no, no. I'm just going to put it out there. I'm just going to leave that hanging in the air as a possible... Because I've got it totally wrong.

I'm just going to say that, that's all. So, that was Lindt. The second one you said was Morrison Blue. That's all. So, that was Lindt. The second one, you said, was Morrison Blue. That was Morrison Blue. Okay. Alright, so there you go.

You got one, per twing. They're not per twings. You get a brand off! I'll get a brand off. Right. So, the third one, you said,

was Lindt. That was the Dairy Milk. Shit. And the final one that you said, Dairy Milk, was actually the budget one, Morrison White.

Wow, let me see it. Bring it here. That's really good. Morrison's have done well here. This is the very, very, very budget one, the Morrison White. It's chocolatier than the Lindt. Yeah, weird. But you did say the favourite one was number three,

which was the dairy milk. So in many respects, you did kind of get the dairy milk, weirdly, in a backwards way. So there you go. That was a lot harder than I expected Paul. But interesting results. And I'm very surprised by the low quality of that lint. I wonder if I'd left the lint out, what your results

would have been for the three left over. I wonder if you would have been more accurate. Perhaps. Because I think the lint was a bit of a kind of curveball. It's an outlier isn't it? Don't you think? It just tastes a lot less like chocolate than the other three. Very much so. But this is why I'm keen to say maybe the chocolate turned.

If I went to the store right now. That's very kind of you. I just didn't, it was a bit of a miss for me. Yeah. But at least I got one of them. Here's the blue one again. Chocolate Morrison's Blue. I have a little taste of that, just now that you know.

This is the one I guessed correctly. Yeah. Mm. And as a budget chocolate, that's all right as well. That's very nice. Because I think like the white chocolate one is like 40p 30p that's so good because i thought that was the cabris it's almost got more character to it the white morrisons the budget morrisons you know it's interesting it doesn't taste cheap like cheap chocolate tastes but i don't know no interesting discoveries do you know what i mean yeah it's the world of

chocolate is so cutthroat. And, you know... Dog eat dog, mate. It's like a drug, basically, for people, isn't it? It's a huge industry. But I would like to just say now, I've been living in a very Turkish area. Yes. And people from that part of the world, Paul, are serious about their chocolate. Yes.

They've got a different sort of taste in chocolate, I'd say, to the people in Britain. Yeah. And they have a company, Ulka. We've talked about Ulka, I think, yeah. Discussed before, but just the Ulka milk chocolate, it's a shame that we didn't get it,

would just shit all over all of these. Shit all over it. Doesn't it? Wouldn't you agree? It's a very, very nice and reasonably affordable, cheap chocolate. Yeah. It's not too expensive. It's about average. It's a bit more expensive than Cadbury's, I think. It's a very, very nice and reasonably affordable cheap chocolate. Yeah. It's not too expensive.

It's about average. It's a bit more expensive than Cadbury's, I think. Slightly. If you bought a bar of Whisper and you bought a bar of Orca, probably about the same price. You know what I mean? But you'd agree. Comparatively.

Yeah. And they do like a pistachio, a dark one with pistachio, which is heaven. So that's that done then. I guess it's time for... Oh, is that Brandon? Do you want to take it? No, you take it. I can't. I don't want to speak to him. I'll speak to him then. Jesus. Brandon. I guess it's time for... Do you want to take it? No, you take it. I can't.

I don't want to speak to him. I'll speak to him then. Jesus. I forgot you do both. I thought he was a real man then. Hello? Rob, Rob, hello? Oh, God.

Hello, Mr. Brandoff. Who's that? Eli? No, it's Paul. Put Eli on. Eli, he wants to speak to you. I'm going to go to the toilet. I'm sorry, Mr. Brandoff.

He's gone to the toilet. All right, Ruffoff. Never mind. So you've got to speak to me. Well, listen, I need you to answer my question. Yes. I haven't got much time. The screws are breathing down my neck.

Ruffoff. How is prison? I've got lots of bitches doing my bidding. They're making elastic bands for me here. What do the elastic bands do? How is prison? What do the elastic bands do? Right. Does anyone piss in your bed before you sleep at night? Mini mankinis are right. So when you call up the show,

when we have an off-brand brand-off, you usually have something to say, something you want to do. Right, how did it go? It went fine. Eli, you know, was surprised by something else. And the fees will be paid to my agent?

Yes. They'll be off to your small business on the Cayman Islands. Yes. Unmarked. Yes. I told you, Derek!

Take it out and keep it warm for me! Yes, again! Seems like you're busy in prison. Yes, very busy. You seem to be thriving behind bars, actually. Well, you know, when you have an entrepreneurial spirit, Paul, Ruff Ruff, you can make money anywhere,

and I'm making a shitload in here, Ruff Ruff. I don't mind telling you. Yes, I heard you're making money hand over fist in the prison. I'm being fisted hard by servants. It's great. No fucking women either. Right. Bitch.

Right. But I'm going to deal with her. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Bye. There you go. I can just hang up. Remember to... I've got the power because I edit this.

Just end the call. Can you just mention one thing to Eli for me? Get the power because I edit this. Just end the call. If you could just mention one thing to Eli for me. Yes. Get the spice load in, yeah? In the dead rat. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Derek! Bye. No. Goodbye. Eli, you can come back now, mate. He's gone. He's doing all right in prison.

Okay. He's having lots of fun being fisted and making mankinis for mice. Okay. So, you know, about as good as a concept he's ever going to alright in prison. He's having lots of fun being fisted and making mankinis for mice. Okay. About as good as a concept he's ever going to have in prison. Right, so that's Off-Brand Brandoff and our food section

in a lovely chunky 30 minute package. Well done us. See you after the sound effect, you fucking cunt. Don't call them cunts. Talk to you. Fuck you. Don't call them cunts. Talk to you.

Fuck you. When you're feeling so sad in the middle of the night and nothing seems to be going right what you must do Is tune in to us And then you'll listen to The price of a shite Aye, so the shite The price of the shite Is the price of the shite

And that's right Yes, it's the price of shite, Paul It's exciting It's another bespoke version That's been sent in to us Is that right? It has indeed Don't try and do a scrummage with the Russell.

I'm doing it. I'm allowed to scrummage. Well, it's not... What have you got in your scruffle bag, Mr. Porter? I'm looking. Hey, Mr. Jenkins, what's in your bag? You've lost it, haven't you? You haven't brought the price of shite, have you?

Have you? You haven't brought the price of shite, have you? Have you? Oh, no! I thought I didn't have the prices and the letter. Oh, no, I've got the price of shite. Now, Paul, you... Let's just be honest. Yeah. Sometimes with the bespoke ones,

they're packed in such a way that you can remain oblivious to the prices. And the items sometimes. And the items. But that wasn't the case in this case, was it, Paul? No, we have the items, but I also had to look at the prices. You had to? Why? I don't understand.

Because the paper was separate, and it got separated, so I had to make sure it matched the letter. I see. So it was an administrative reason. Yes. If it hadn't been separated... I could have played this.

Yeah, okay. All right. As it stands, it's Eli versus the world or rather Eli versus... All the betwings are mine to keep. Right. For me, no one else will be getting

any betwings this week, Paul. You might not be getting any betwings at all. Yeah, but at least I'll be the only one. True, you'll be the only one. Yeah, I guess you'll be the only one not to win anything.

No, I will get a betwing which will be only mine. Mine to hold. Mine like a feathered globe of gold. Inside my wingeth I have the betweeneth Right, so this is from I fold my golden wingeth

and enclose the betweeneth Right, okay, good Oh mate, fuck the game Let me just do a bit about flying around No, I'm not going to allow you to fucking get off one of your-fucking-rambles. I spread my golden wingeth and await the arrival of the petwingeth.

So, there are four items in this pack, and it's from Joe Manley. Thank you very much, Joe Manley. What does he fucking say? Hi, Paul and Eli? He says, hello, Eli and Paul. Yes, the Manley! Yes, mate!

You sad little bastard. You sad little twat. It's a little petwing for me in my heart. It's not, it's not. I'm off to a good start here. I just wanted to say thank you for all the entertainment over the years that I've been listening, including Barshens and Digitizer. Even for the tough time, nothing beats Paul's stumbling sentences and Eli's weird egg fetish.

I have not got an egg, I do. Mate, literally an hour ago you said, Oh, egg block up the arsehole. Oh. See? have not got an egg i do literally an hour ago you said oh egg block up the arsehole so eggs are funny aren't they so good old price of price of shite uh one between 25p margin as per usual two that's not as per usual because as we i as we know from the 200th episode when i played against mr biffo and you refused to give me my between for being within 25 you got aced by Biffo

you got aced by Biffo you deny me betweens that I deserve by the rules that you just said don't give me the middle finger the bird, what are you some kind of yank, fuck you I'll give you rubsniff, you get that. Rubsniff.

Right. You get my crappy rubsniff, mate. You get a handful of my crappy rubsniff. The arm's coming to life. What's going on here? What's going on with the arm? Oh no, the severed arm.

Did you find out whose arm it was? Oh, it's going through my nuts. Yeah, because you should. Oh, calm down, naughty arm. I'm going to have to sit on it. Sit on it

and then it'll be someone else's. Yeah, it is someone else's. You don't need to sit on it then before you wank. What do you go? It's got a tattoo on it. You pretend it's Marilyn Monroe. It's got a tattoo on it. It just says, Robbie forever.

It's got like a teardrop as well, as we say. No, it's not a teardrop. Teardrops in my heart. That's a murderer's arm. That's me, baby, of you. That's some kind of terrible murderer's arm. It was into Robbie Williams apparently. There you go.

Right, so. Exactly. That doesn't go against him being a murderer. Let's get on with the items. I think you're going to like these items, by the way. Here we go. Let's have a look. What's item number one?

Let's start small. We've got this. It is a group of. You've got the price. You've got the price on it. No, that's not the real price. So don't worry about it. Fucking, just double check, because

it has happened before, believe it or not everybody. Paul has handed me an idea. He left the fucking price on it. Yes, I knew it. Oh, fuck's sake. Joe! Did he leave it on everyone? No, just on this. I didn't see this. Right, that's good. Did you see the price?

No. Here you go then what is it oh it's a set of stamps Joe you fucked up and left me look like a prick you made me look like a prick on air it's a Welsh stamps

and it's got one it's the Prince of Wales yeah it's a set of stamps it's a set of Prince Charles commemorative stamps and there's a

castle I like the ones that don't have Prince Charles's weird young face what does he look like looks like fucking Lord Fonteroy

naughty peeper he does doesn't he what's all these are these all the castles he owns they must be his castles and there's some kind of what's it say on the side

what's this one Trenor Cummewy 1969 Prince of Wales they're from 69 are they from 1969 yeah oh maybe they are look how young he looks.

I'm going to look online and see how much these are worth. Hang on. It's a pack for children, it says. Talking to the mic. It's a pack for children and it's sealed. It's mint on card, mate. It's mint on card. It's stamp on card. I'm going to look up the value. I'm going to look up the fucking value, mate.

See what fucking these are. Albanystamps.com.co.uk. Yeah, because look, they're in shillings and it says 5D there. It doesn't say it's 5P. Look, Paul. There's been fucking loads of stamps. Yeah, 5D. What does D mean? Shilling or whatever.

Shilling. There's been loads of fucking Prince Charles stamps over time. Of course there fucking has. He's Prince fucking Charles. He gets all his fucking stamps all over the fucking time. He gets stamps all over the fucking place. Goes home, goes and what?

Goes and fucking gets the stamps. Oh, you know what? He says, I had a shit day. I'm bored of fucking stamps. Oh, fucking, I'm going to look at some stamps of me.

Oh, what a fucking load of shit. Oi, get the fucking guy from the Royal Mail on a fucking blower and get him in some more stamps. I'll fucking spunk up. I'll spunk out.

I'll spunk on the tap. I'll spunk all around. You'll spunk out. I'll spunk on the tap. I'll spunk all around. You lick the stamp, you lick my spunk. That's what he does, Paul. No, it's not what he does. That is a small amount of Prince Charles' spunk

on every stamp pressed in the British arms. You lick. That's why they put them in commemorative packs. That's how they keep their magical power over the population.

So you know when Kiss put a bit of their blood in the comic book or their album, Prince Charles put a bit of his royal spaff in. That's what I'm trying to say. There's a very small amount, non-zero amount of spaff.

Amazon are selling packs of these for £12.95. That's exciting, isn't it? It's at the most expensive one. Hang on. Oh, hang on. It tells you on this website, collectgbstamps.co.uk. So one's called the Kingsgate, Carnarvon Castle. Eagle Tower, Carnarvon Castle.

Queen's Eleanor's Gate, Carnarvon Castle. Because they're all different sides of Carnarvon Castle in a sort of diagrammatic white on metallic silver. They're quite nice stamps, aren't they? They are quite nice stamps. And there's a Celtic Cross is the other one. That's Margam Abbey. I've been there. It's haunted.

There seems to be one missing from these. Is it a set of five? It's haunted. There seems to be one missing from these because there's a set of five, didn't you? It's a five set, yeah. Okay. And then Prince Charles' stupid fucking face. He does look like

he's going like that. Not interested, actually. It's just like he's just wanked off into the cauldron of stamp glue. It doesn't say anything about cost.

It doesn't say how much they're worth on this. All right. Well, they're going for 12 quid on Amazon. You could have given me a clue well, they're going for... £12 on Amazon. You could have given me a clue there, haven't you? There's an eBay listing.

Did he say... £4 on eBay. Did he say how much... He paid for them. No, how much... Was there an upper limit or where he got any of these items? Is there any background knowledge

before we go to the second item? Let me regard the answers. Regard the letter. Any clues? I'm looking for clues. No, I presume just a charity shop. You've helped me a bit by looking up the prices of those, haven't you? A little bit, but go on.

What do you think that was worth or how much you paid for it? So it's four quid on eBay. I'd say maybe £3.50. £3.50? £3.75. Really? That much? Charity shop?

Yeah. Really? Because they're new, man. They're not new. They're from 1969. Yeah, but they're sealed. All right, so how much? You're saying £3.50? Because they're new, man. They're not new. They're from 1969. Yeah, but they're sealed. All right, so how much? You're saying £3.50?

£3.75. £3.75. All right, next. In the box of delight. He hasn't said anything about the top limit, the price or anything. Oh, has he? Fuck's sake, mate. Get it together.

Fuck off. Fucking trying to get some betwingeth in my golden wingeth. I will singeth when the betwingeth is nestled in my wingeth. So the total value is less than £7. So between all the items is £7. Can I just have that as a tentative score, please? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm looking at it now.

He's overpriced it. So let me say it's no more than £6. For all four items. For all four items. Let all four items he paid less. Let's get on with it. Come on. I don't want to guess now on that. I'm just saying, I'd say £3.50 maybe.

Yeah, £3.50. So he's paid no more than £6 on all the items. Well, it can't be £3.50 then, can it? I'm just saying. You've got three more. I don't know. £2.50. Next.

£3. £2.50. Next. Oh, Top Trump. Top Trump's sharks, Paul. Yeah, all types Oh, Top Trumps. Top Trumps. Top Trumps sharks, Paul. Yeah, all types of sharks. And there's Top Trumps.

We've covered Top Trumps on the show before. They're card games with animals or creatures or cars. I mean, you say game in a very loose sense, don't you? It is in a way. It's like the idea is like each card has a different creature, car, stat, whatever on it. And each creature has its own stats like energy, speed, viciousness, whatever it is for the card.

And then you match them up by saying, my shark's got sharper teeth than yours, because mine says 76 and yours says 22. Well, on these cards, I've opened them up. There's four categories you can play on. Max length. Max length. Max depth.

Yeah, baby. So that means you... I give a lady, yeah. Max depth. Yeah, baby. So that means you... I give a lady max length and max depth. Does that mean you do give a lady, do you? 78 for max depth and 72 for... And also, max number of young. Max length. Is that where you give them the max number of young as well?

I give a max number of young. Oh, my gobbly spermoids. You put your dick right up so it goes straight into her brain stem. No fucking hell. Well, that's max length. It's not max length. And then you have the max number of kids, infinite kids spew out her nostrils.

No, mate. Well, you know what? Let's move on. And what's the fourth category? Global presence. Global presence. Oh, so like how ubiquitous they are across the world. I guess.

And that's just an arbitrary sort of ranking number they've given it. Right. So that's fun, isn't it? The black-tipped shark has got a very high one, eight. So what,

there's more black-tipped sharks in the world? Whereas this one, the tasseled woebegone shark... Woebegone. And it's tasseled. Yeah. Has only got a global presence

of one, which you'd expect because he's a fucking weird shark. Stupid shark bastard. Right, so... The best of those horror ones that we've discussed, I'm sure, before.

Biffo's got a pack of those with Dracula and the Wolfman. There's two packs. There's a hip-hop one as well. No, the horror. Yeah, but you said there's a two-pack one. Oh, fuck.

And I said, oh, there's a hip-hop one. I bet there is a hip-hop one. Probably, yeah. Top Trump's hip-hop. It's one of those formats like they've made Monopoly out to be now.

Yeah. Which you can just put any old shit on. But there's actually more content with a Top Trump game, isn't there? Because you actually have to get some out to be now. Yeah. Which you can just put any skin on. Slap any old shit on. But there's actually more content with a Top Trump game, isn't there? Yeah. Because you actually have to get some details about the thing.

Yeah. And it's these new side style... Plazzy box ones. Plastic box cassette style. I don't like these. All right. Okay. But they're nice to hold them in.

No. No, they do the job. You buy them in packs. Cheap plastic cassette. I don't like it. Oh, fair enough. I prefer cardboard. No, I understand.

I'm with you, mate. You know? But I don't have anything against them. Okay. I get it oh fair enough I prefer cardboard no I understand I'm with you mate but I don't have anything against them I get it would you prefer cardboard like with them yeah I reckon also it just stacks better

because it's got the big plushy bit yeah and it's like awkward shape although I guess you could take that off and snap it if you didn't want to

have it just stack them I don't know it's fine I don't have the don't like that I'm not into sharks particularly so how much do you

think that is then quid don't say quid yet and I'm just writing it down so we can re-evaluate it. I'm going to get a chance to revise my cost when I've seen all four items. Yes. Next item. Tell people what it is.

It is a... I quite like this one. Well, tell them what it is. It's a dice-shaped pencil holder. It's quite a big wooden... Quite chunky. Chunky block. A big wooden cube.

It's a wood grain finish. Nice. Which is like, it looks like an old 70s style wooden furniture bed that they've sawn off. Yes, it is. It's one of those fucking MFI deals. It's got some holes on the sixth side. The sixth side, where the six holes are, the six dots on your dice, they are are holes rather than actual spots so i think is i think it's a pencil holder is it and it's got a pencil with it got pencil with it just for

completeness i'll say what this pencil says on it yeah courtservice.gov.com forward slash wales he's from wales this guy isn't he i guess so plenty of fucking wales there sharks wales is full of those well detective you have solid case well sharks they eat whales that's true bang and you can see sharks

in Wales as well Prince of Wales dice die that's a name I love it you're going to get a Welsh connection

with every one of these Welsh connection isn't it come on let's get a terrible Welsh pun for the last item I guess it's about

150 I reckon. 150 for that. Let me just write that down. No, that's not my final answer. But I'm allowed to just knot it. It's one item, so the pencil, I'm assuming, came with it. Yeah, so I think it's just one price for both of those things.

So there you go. Lovely little thing, isn't it? It's all right. You went from being all right with it to being upset with it. I don't like it. I think it's fine. Right, fourth and final item. Spider-Man figure.

It's a big old Spider-Man figure. I don't recognise that particular design. He looks like he's wearing black pants. If it had been Sheep Man. Oh, there was more to that? Where did you want that to go if it was Sheep Man? Then it would have been Wales. The Wales connection. Oh, God. That was terrible. Honestly, can you take that to go if there was Sheepman? Then it would be Wales. The Wales connection.

Oh God. That was terrible. Honestly, can you take that out? No. Please. That's a warning from history, that mate. A warning from history. You fucking need to listen to that back

and go never again. This is quite a well articulated figure, Paul. It's quite big. How big is that? 12 inches? Bigger than that? Don't measure it against that unless you want to times it by 12.

I'm just going to look at it in that position. Yeah? So he's imagining Spider-Man and his dick. That's like five. It's not five inches. That's like five. No, let me measure it here. No, don't put it in your mouth.

It's five. It's not five inches. That's much bigger than five inches. Yes. That's a good 12-inch figure. Right. And how many points of articulation does it have? Let's find out.

One, two for the feet. Do we call that two or one? No, it's two. Because it's one on both feet. It's two. It's two points of articulation, does it have? Let's find out. One, two for the feet. Do we call that two or one? No, it's two. That's one because it's one on both foot. It's two. It's two points of articulation. Two points of articulation. One, two, three, four, five, six.

Hips. Seven, eight. Wrists. Nine, ten. Elbows. Eleven, twelve. Thirteen, head. Shoulders and head.

So, thirteen. Yeah. Quite a lot of articulation. It's got thirteen points. But it's not a great figure because it doesn't, although it has a lot of articulation, it doesn't seem to have, I don't know. Do you know what I mean?

Well, who knows what it originally came with? It might have came with a stand and stuff. It seems to have a holdy grip in the hand, so it definitely came with something. Talking to the mic, fuck me. It's not hard. It's got holdy hands,

holdy ony hands. Wait, we forgot his hips because you said it's like what we didn't do. His top half is tall, so. Oh, 14. 14 and 15 because what we didn't do. His top half, his torso. Oh, 14. 14 and 15. Oh, there's two on the body. His upper torso does this.

That's 15, is it? Yeah. Wow. It's very well articulated, isn't it? Look at this. He's spreading his legs. He's spreading it. He's going, come on in and toss me off.

Oh, come on. Spider toss. Spider toss. Josh is foffy off, boffy choff. Can he splat up a web? He's got great spider head.

Come on. He's got spider choff. Take a slash off the building. He's got radioactive children. Spoffy's out. Spoffy's off. Here we go.

Chodney bollocks in spodney doff. We should be ashamed of ourselves. You're right. We should be. You got me going now. Spoffney noff. Chodney noff. Chodney bollocks in spodney doff. We should be ashamed of ourselves. You're right. We should be. You got me going, huh? Spodney doff.

Chodney doff. Shut up. It's nonsense. It's just nonsense bullshit. Stop it. Chodney doff. How much is that? How much is it?

Now, what did I say? Oh, you said you didn't want me to write it down. Right. So you said £3.75 for the first, £1 for the top trumps. You said £1.50 for the dice, and then you got this one left. Okay. And no more than six quid was spent. I wanted to change my answers.

All right, cool. £1.90. £1.90 for the stamps. Right. Then you said the top trumps was a quid. Yeah. So that's £3 basically now. The dice, you said, was 150.

So that takes you to... I'll say 175 for the dice. That's 480 basically now. The dice, you said, was £1.50. So that takes you to... I'll say £1.75 for the dice. That's £4.80. £1.20. £1.20. I'll say £1 for the Spider-Man. £1 for Spider-Man. Yeah.

£1. All right. Okay. Here come... I'm going to go through it one more time. Here come the between we's. I'm going to go through it one more time. Sling me between me like a Spider-Man.

Like Spider-Man slings his web, Paul. Just to lock this in, £1.90 for the stamps, £1 for the top trumps, £1.50 for the dice, and £1 for Spider-Man. You happy with that? Right, here we go.

I was sitting alone in the middle of the night. And then the price of shite came along. He gave me between us in the morning, between us in the evening, between us in the morning between us in the evening right i'm just not gonna tell you and you're getting no between come on mate give me my between right so you said the prince of wales stamps were 1 pound 90 the actual price of the prince of wales stamps were 1 pound 29. So you're about, what, 50p out. So no betwings there, unfortunately, for the young scallywag there, Eli Silverman.

Right, next you said Top Trumps. Top Trumps you said was a pound. The actual price was... Stop that, please. 99p. So you get a betwing there. You get a betwing there. price was stop that 99p so you let's get up a twing there

you get up a twing you get up a twing there that's so that's so galling I couldn't get the two betwingths on the nose

because it was basically I want to check that you're reading these out I am reading so was I right in my prediction

of getting at least one betwingth yeah you got one betwingth and do you know what I'm enclosing it in the warmth of my golden wingeth. Right, so the next one you said was the dice.

And for the dice, you said it was £1.50. The dice holder, including pencil, was... Biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy- So again, out by about 50p there again. I said two quid first for that, didn't I? I don't know. I often zone out because it waves in and out of bullshit with your mouth. Oh, does it? It waves in and out of bullshit, does it? So the final price was... Do you know what waves in and out of bullshit? No. The sea near a sewer pipe.

Right, great. Funny stuff. Right, finally, the Spider-Man action figure with 15 points of articulation. You said one pound. the Spider-Man, 99p, so you get a petwing for being a penny. So I get two petwings. You get two petwings. Overall, two petwings.

And now I would like you to voice the petwings to me in an official handing-over ceremony whilst I have my golden wingeth outstretcheth. Pa-twinga, pa-twinga And I enclose-eth the pa-twinga In my lovely golden wing-eth And I won't be so lonesome no more Twat. Fucking twat.

Just press the cunt button, you cunt. The cunt button? Press the cunt button? Yeah, press my arse button. Right, how very... God, did you... Fist me, write me off. Every week I die inside.

Chodney spod off. Don't touch my chobber. Crobney doblo. This is just descending into gash. Fogney knoblo. Eli wants to be involved with giving you information so Eli ooh

what's the website people can go to oh don't start with the website we all know I don't know the website mate it's five years what's the website address that people can go to

to see pictures that accompany this episode www.cheapshow.com no it's fucking not .uk .co.uk it's not cheapshow.org.

No. Oh, you do it. I'll be quiet. It's www.thecheapshowat.com. At.com? No. It's the cheap... No, what then?

www. www. thecheapshow.co.uk. .co.uk. .co.uk. You can email us anything you like at the... No. Thecheapshow at g.uk.co.uk You can email us anything you like at thecheapshow at gmail.com

Is it? Or is it just cheapshow at gmail? No, it's thecheapshow at gmail.com So just to recount, the website is www.thecheapshow.co.uk www.thecheapshow.co.uk And if you'd like to email us with a tell from the shop floor or any questions you might have especially if it's source related

Paul loves to read those it is thecheapshow at gmail.com we're on twitter at the cheap show pod i'm at paul gannon showing eli is eli snowy dli snr ideas the spelling and if you are so gracious to offer us your coins we have a patreon.com forward slash you can't actually give coins though can you? No it's just digital money. Because if they did give coins That'd be lovely. You've got a little

box every month for the coins. I've got a little slot. I've got a special slot for the coins. You know where it is? Yeah. My foreskin.

You weren't expecting that were you? No I can't. It was lemonade. It's one of two things. Lemonade rather than chocolate Paul. It's one of two things

isn't it? It's the melted white chocolate hole. It's anus or metus, isn't it, with you? No, it's not. Front slit, back slit, it's all the same to you. It doesn't matter. So, patreon.com forward slash cheap show. Whatever you donate, thank you so much.

You get magazines. The latest magazine is fantastic. It's a sticker album ever made. Did you have any panini sticker? I did. I had a Ghostbusters one when I was a kid. I had a panani panini. No, you didn't.

I had a sandwich. Oh, good. Not a punani then. Yeah. I had a Ghostbusters one when I was a kid. I had a panani panini. No, you didn't. I had a sandwich and... Oh, good. Not a punani then. Yeah. I had a... No, you didn't. You didn't have a panani panini panini.

Panani panini panini. You didn't have a panani panini panini, all right? And it had some panache. You didn't. None of that happened. A tranche of panini.

So you can get hold of that. Exclusive videos, exclusive podcasts. Tranche of panini in the sky. All sorts of extra joy if you're a Cheap Show fan and you want more. Patreon.comlusive videos, exclusive podcasts. Tranche of Panini in the sky. All sorts of extra joy if you're a Cheap Show fan and you want more. Patreon.com forward slash Cheap Show.

What else? One last thing. We're the Flying Panani Brothers. Fuck off. I've got a panache slash. Just go on. Just say what you want while I look for this.

Tranche. This is desperate shit. Right. One last thing before we go as well. There's an Instagram account called Cheap Show Game. Chap's been doing that for us. It looks great. Life gets in the way, so it's taken him a while.

So there's no rush on it, but he's been making a video game, but he also sent us in the post a fantastic Cheap Show edition of the card game Flux. It's called Cheap Show Flux and it's amazing. So Flux is an already existing property? Yeah, it's called cheap show flux and it's amazing so flux was an already existing property yeah it's a brand it's like it's the exact same essential card game but it's like monopoly branded with like rick and morty flow it has different skins

stranger things flux and zombie show flux and now you can get a cheap show and people are saying that's amazing where can you get it well he's hosting it online for free if you go to well it i'll put a link on our website uh but it's tinyurl.com forward slash fluxer which is f u l double x e r download it onto card or you know onto paper cut it up print it out make the box and you can make your own cheap show flux and it looks uh we're gonna might play on a stream one day in the future i'd be into that paul that'll be it so that word else thank you for supporting us for episode 200

and watching us on Twitch it was super fun it certainly was it was fun and we might be doing a Halloween one can I just peel back the fetid resin

yeah on this for a second what wasn't fun was having drunk a few yeah sherbets yeah

during and after the filming yes we had a few celebratory I used kindly cheap show provided a cab home because it was the

middle of the night yes it was late and I needed a bit of a wee bit of a wee before I got in the cab you did and believe me

I thought I had ruptured internal organs through needing a piss so badly but you didn't feel like your arse had been torn out by a fence no which is lucky

which is good preferable I'd much prefer that. You'd much prefer the... A little bit of light rupturing of the bladder rather than full... Full anal tearage, yeah. With chunks out. Yeah, with big old fleshy...

Fleshy chunks. Chunks of anus gristle. Absolutely great. Ladies and gentlemen, that's been Sheep Show this week. Thanks for listening. Have lots of fun. See you next week for another wacky episode of... Thanks, guys.

Bye. Bye, everyone. Thank you. listening see you next week for another wacky episode thanks guys bye everyone