CheapShow - Ep 203: Jizzy Pigs

Episode Date: November 6, 2020

If you want to know why this week's edition of the economy comedy podcast is called "Jizzy Pigs", you will (sadly) discover all too soon. Suffice it to say, it's not nice and it involves pigs. Beyond that nightmarish promise, it's business as usual in the House of Pickles! This episode comes complete with an edition of The Price of Shite, and in a nice change of pace, all the items are actually useful. There are also a LOT of "Ptwings" for the taking, but will Eli manage to grab them all? Also, Paul and Eli take a deeper than expected dive into the world of "Irn Bru" the famous Scottish soft drink that has quite the history! Somehow this segment involves a visit to both the Frothshop AND the Soda Jerk Store. Kinda. And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-203-jizzy-pigs If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Podbible Interview: https://podbiblemag.com/2020/06/12/a-special-cheapshow-celebration/ MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Paul is writing a book! Want to help make it happen? https://unbound.com/books/ghosts/

Paul. Hello. The voice is on now. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.

Hello. Why don't we just say hello as if it was normal? I did. Hello. Paul, two things I don't want you to say. Hello. No, that's fine. No, and that's fine.

Why can't I say no and that's fine? Don't be a cunt. Oh, I won't say that then. No, I'm not. I haven't started listing the things I don't want you to say. First. Shut up. Right. Hello. Two things. Don't fucking say hello. Hello. Right, hello's on the started listing the things. Who's on first? Shut up. Right.

Hello. Two things. Don't fucking say hello. Hello. Hello's on the list. Three things. Right. And the second is?

Mr. Silverman. Okay. And that's it, actually. And I can't say that's it, actually. No. I didn't say number three. Two things. Hello and Mr. Silverman.

So can I use Silverman separately? You're saying bringing those together. I can't say Mr. Silverman together. What's this together? No one said together. No, so I can say Silverman. I can say hello, Eli Silverman. No, I can't say hello.

You can't say that phrase. That phrase is way out. So can I say Silverman? That's verboten. No! You shall not say the verboten phrase. But what I'm saying is it's just Mr. Silverman I can't say Silverman? That's verboten. No! You shall not say the verboten phrase. But what I'm saying is it's just Mr. Silverman

I can't say. You shouldn't have said it. But I can say Silverman. Yes. Right. So I have said hello Mr. Silverman numerously already.

Hello, welcome to Cheap Show. Oh, I'm fucking not in the mood at all. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept.

Cheap Show. Off-brand, brand-on, off-brand, brand-on. Cheat Show It's the price of shite Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheap Show And I go and I nuzzle Hello, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast. I am Paul Gannon and with me is, hello, Mr. Silverman. I won't, I'm not going to let this... Hello everybody, yes, it... Oh. Hello, everybody.

Yes, it's me. Hello, Mr. Boys and Girls. No, that's the other thing I didn't want you to fucking say. Boys and Girls. Mr. Boys and Girls. There's been quite a lot of positive feedback on that. So... What, about you saying boys and girls? Yeah.

Hello, boys and girls. What? Mr. Boys and Girls and Mrs. Ladies and Gentlemen. Or whatever it is. Oh, you said Mrs. Yeah. Mr. Yeah.

All right, Paul. I've lost the will to even fucking exist excellent we are 40 seconds into the episode i was yesterday yeah hello it's the economy comedy podcast a few years ago actually it's the economy show podcast about kind of gave up gave up on personal hygiene can i can i do no you're not allowed to do the intro no of some sort and description before we get into your massive, aimless ramblings of verbal nonsense, please? I haven't said anything nonsense. You haven't said anything nonsense?

Not yet. That counts as you saying something nonsensical. Paul, you know what? I've took the nonsense, got it in the back pocket. Back pocket nonsense. Yeah, I'm patting it like the Asda woman. Yeah? Like she puts her change there, then she saves up for a dildo or pocket. Back pocket nonsense. Yeah, I'm patting it like the Asda woman. Yeah? Yeah. Like she puts her change.

Then she saves up for a dildo or whatever. Here we go. Fucking hell. She's fucking... What's her life? She just buys food for the kids. What's the Asda woman's life? You're on your own, Mr. Ladies and Gentlemen.

You can hear this. I'm stepping out. Go on, have fun. I've taken the nonsense. It's in the back pocket. Yeah? This is tedious. The nonsense will come out. Go, hello I've taken the nonsense. It's in the back pocket. Yeah. The nonsense will come out.

Go, hello, I'm the nonsense. Ooh, squib, dongle, et cetera. But I'm putting him back in. No, no, don't put me back in. Just getting warmed up, Paul. So what we got coming up on the show? Is it warming up? I just have to get the old funny, all the old funny bone going. up, Paul. So what have we got coming up on the show? Is it warming up? I just have to get the old fanny.

All the old fanny bone going. Right, okay. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast where we go through the bargain bins of charity shops and I don't know, what else do we go through? Bazaars. Bazaars, rummages.

Rummage sales. Rummage sales. Jumbo sales. Bargain basements. Poundlands. Women's. Anywhere you can pick up cheap things Women's Institute Jam

Store Women's Institute Jam Store They're always at Jumble Sales They're a great band by the way They're at Jumble Sales aren't they They've always A woman who sells jam For the Women's Institute

Yeah Traditionally Yikes You ever bought a ladies jam Old generals selling their medals Yeah Poor bastard Oh I can't make rent.

I've got to sell me George Cross. Yes. Modern Britain for you, ladies and gentlemen. Modern Britain. What else has sprung up? Phone shops within larger discount stores. Right. We go to those.

Phone repair places inside. Yeah. Phone room. Discount hardware shop. Yeah. Oh! Hey! Hello!

Hello! Hello! Paul, if you're having a little thing there, I can get the nonsense out. No. I can get it out! No one's getting it out. Scrabbage! Right. So, here's some actual news for you.

A little while ago, we had to close the PO box. Long story short, it was more for cheap show than digitiser. That's the fourth thing that you're not allowed to say anymore. What? Right, and number five, I've just thought of it. You haven't even told me what number four is yet. And number three didn't exist. Long, sorry, short. Yeah, no, I'll give you

that. I'll give you that, actually. And to be fair. I'll give you that. Don't fucking say it no more. Read a theosaurus. I'm going to put a sixth one on. Thesaurus, sorry. Theosaurus. Sixth one. Theosaurus. I don't think they did. The sixth thing is the point being.

Okay. That's another thing. I haven't noticed that. I notice it. When I'm editing this podcast, I'm just saying, shut up, Paul. With the point being.

Fucking hell. Anyway, the point being is that we have a new PO box. We certainly do. We've taken on the responsibility so it's off Digitizer's hands. But if you want to send stuff to Digitizer, you still can, to this new PO box address, which will be on our website. But here it is.

Send stuff to anything you like. That's a weird address. Yeah, it is, actually. Anything you like, right? It's a weird town. Anything you like. It's a cheap show. Have they got their own rules?

Have they sort of declared independence from the rest of Britain? Anything you like. It a cheap show have they got their own like rules so they sort of declared independence from the rest of Britain anything you like it's own fiefdom you go in there there's some old granny fucking a pig down the road no

with a strap on right oh Mr Squiggles the pig the pig's got a strap on yeah and the granny

this is unnecessary and they're in a trolley this is unnecessary content oh they're careening down the hill unnecessary content your friend you go we must be in here and anything goes i'm just gonna say this is unnecessary content and move on oh right they've escaped the nonsense let's stay focused let's stay focused cheap show p.o box 1309 harrow h a 1 9 q j garai what would be the opposite of 9 Harrow H-A-1-9-Q-J Garai

What would be the opposite of goodbye if you said it like Harrow? Hello No, if you say Harrow and then I say Garai Garai for now So yeah, send us anything you fancy really that you think we might enjoy on the show. I need to the show I need to put on

I need to put on he's doing the hand he's doing the daddy hand because I've got to get this out I've got to do daddy hand I can read out the PO box I've got a lovely voice it's read out

you can read it you can read it at the end can I right yeah twice but for now I just want to put some rules out there

if you send a price of shite please have two separate bits of paper one with the items and then one with the items, and then one with the items and their price. Because sometimes I get a bag and it's full of stuff and I don't know in the mix. And you see the prices and then you cheat.

Yeah, basically. So, we'd like to curb that. So, please, if you do send a price of shite in, do it by that means. Secondly, put your name on things. Sometimes we get really cool stuff and then I go, I don't know, it's from here. No one puts their name on. So please put your name on so we can extalt you. Is that right?

Exalt? Exalt, yes. Extalt is a combination of different things into one mass of some kind, isn't it? Extalt entity. Gestalt. Gestalt. That's gestalt. I've used gestalt on there.

So there's no such word as extalt. No, there may be. I'm glad I found out. It would be some kind of philosophically technical. I'm going to find out. It would be some kind of philosophically technical. I'm going to write it. How would it be? Extolt. No, it won't find it.

How would it be spelt? E-X-T-O-L. I thought extalt. Oh, extolt. There's extol, which is to praise enthusiastically, which brings us back to the point of this, and I've just waited one minute. Extalted.

Exalted. Exalted. I want extalted. There's no extolt. This has got to be one of the worst bits we've ever done. Oh, it might be. It's a good chance of that. Right, so coming up on the show today, we are doing a nice

cheap eats as well. That's coming up on the show today, and Mr. Eli. No, no, no. Mr. Silverman, how have you been? Hello. Oh. I'm feeling a bit joyless and No, no, no. Mr. Silverman, how have you been? Hello. Oh. I'm feeling a bit joyless and flat, Paul, actually. I think probably not alone in that.

Would you like a tickle from Mr. Secret Hand? Not Mr. Secret Hand. Mr. Secret Hand. That's what I've called my arm now that has a secret attached. I don't know the answer to the secret. It's the arm of a murderer. All I know is that it's the arm of a prisoner. Yeah, a murderer probably.

We don't know. He could have been done for... The teardrop tattoo signifies killing a man. Does it? Yes. I did not know that. And it's covered in them. There's a whole row of them.

No, that's not teardrops. And look, one of those teardrops has got a little bit of writing on it. It says, this bastard deserved to die. Right, that doesn't seem practical from a murderer's point of view to go through the effort of putting a teardrop on them every single time he kills. Well, he was in prison for life,

wasn't he? He's in prison for life. Poor bastard smoked 20 packs a day. And his arm had to be taken off. And again, I've lost you to nonsense. Really? Already you've created

a life for this arm outside. How do you think he lost his arm? The point being, Paul, that I don't want no tickles or joshes or any strokes from your fucking murderer's arm. Well, you might not have an option. I can't control what it does. Oh, fuck.

It just comes to life. He's wobbling it around. Just comes to life. Wibble wobble. Right, shall we carry on with the show? Let's do that, then. All right. Hey, it's cheap show time.

Woo! Woo! Oh, mister. Do you want to buy a book of matches? Not today, sir. Oh, I'm so hungry. I am, I am. Oh, I'm so hungry. I am, I am. Oh, I wish I could have some sweets.

Oh! Tingly, tingly, tingly, tingly, tingly. What is that I see before my young, soot-caked eyes? It's a sweet shop, ye olde froth shop. Oh, I'll be a gawdy blummer. I'll go over there. I'll be a gaudy blummer I'll go over there I'll be a gaudy blummer Ooh, I'll be a

hate niche sandwich I'll go over there Ooh, it's cold, I hope they'll give me some sweets Maybe I'll give them one of these books of matches They've only been up my arse two days They get sodden Out in the cold Just come in the shop Please Just come in the shop.

Please just come in the shop. This fucking audition reading you're doing right now or whatever it is. This improvised piece of theatre is not working for me. Alright, Governor.

Oh, don't be so mean. I'll go in the shop. Here I go walking across the snow-filled streets of Victorian London. I'm not doing sound effects for that. Dingle, lingle, lingle. Ooh!

It's a cornucopia of sweets in here. And here's the shopkeeper of Old Froth Shop. Old Mr Tim Old Man. Ooh, hello. Ah, yes. Ah, hmm. Welcome into my... I've forgotten how to do the voice.

What was the voice for this? Lovely little thing. Yeah, but you did that. I do the voice. And that was more for... I'll do the voice. You can't, because then you're doing all three characters in this section

we haven't thought this through no we never do alright we're in the fucking froth shop what have we got we had this whole thing set up where

I was going to be the old man who ran the sweet shop and then you were going to be I don't know why the urchin even had to appear I'll send it away

I'll just do a little scene to sort of clean up the messes I'll be still ah yes come in little boy a little scene to sort of clean up the messes. I'll be still. Ah, yes, come in, little boy. Ah, yes, we have some interesting candies today, especially if you like your soda popsies. Oh, I love that.

I love sweets. I never get them because I'm so poor on the street selling papers and matches. Well, it's no substitute for real food, but it's a little treat all the same, isn't it, little boy? I eat the matches. I eat the heads off the matches. And then when I fart, it goes. Hey, Paul.

Paul. I got a little thing. Don't you worry about it. I got a little thing. I'll get the character. I'll wrap him up with the loose ends. Cut to, I put matches up my arse. No, Paul.

You were meant to send me away and then go in the back room so that me, you, me, Eli and Paul can be in the shop and just taste these fucking sweets. Right. Well, in that case... Right. Okay. And scene. Do it again. Ah, you, me, Eli and Paul can be in the shop and just taste these fucking sweets. Right, well, in that case... Right. Okay. And scene. Do it again.

Ah, yes, little boy. Ah, how are you today? Ah, come in. I'm very hungry, your governor. Oh, I've only been licking newspapers. Right. Here's a packet of jelly bellies.

Fuck off. All right. Bye. Ting-a-ling-a-ling. Ting-a-ling-a-ling. Right, good. Right, what we got, mate? Right, so we did have this idea planned and we've abandoned it.

So we're going to crack on. So today's – we have a theme kind of today. Now, I don't have the details of whoever sent me this. I think it's the person who also sent A Price of Shite, which we'll get to a bit later. I think it's someone called Kyle. I might be wrong. If whoever's listened to this recognizes the candy we're about to eat on the show, please get in touch

and we'll give you full credit next time we record. A little bit of detective work here, Paul. Yes. Kyle, Scottish name, isn't it? Is it? And these are overwhelmingly Scottish things. 50% of what we're going to do today is of Scottish origin. Yes.

I guess you could argue. And you know what? We've never really so far on the show talked about this lovely brain. Talking about? Brain! I'm talking. Hang on. I could do a nonsense bit while you reset your brain. Come on, Paul.

You can do it. Come on, mate. Two episodes a day to record. You can do it. We're not doing very well. I'm coming back now. I'll come back. Here we go. Good. So we're talking about something from Scotland, which is quite popular and we haven't touched on in the show.

I don't think in any real detail before until now. Arnbrew. Arnbrew. I know it's one of those ads. Lots of kids with white teeth and giant shoulder pads. It's not a drink from those crazy yanks. Because it's made right here, you know it's tougher than tank. Made in Scotland. From Gurders. Unpronounceable too.

Made in Scotland. From Gurders London It's called Bar's Iron Brew Still this ad Is really quite fun Could give me a hint Single go to number one The only fly in the oil

I lose, yes, claim Ladies Scotland from London Here goes my chance of fame It's a bit of a shame Now, do you like Iron Brew? I've done a massive jobby Right Do I like Iron Brew? I'm a bit on the fence about Iron Brew, Paul Yeah? Gobby. Right.

Do I like iron brew? I'm a bit on the fence about iron brew, Paul. Yeah? Yeah. I find it hard to distinguish from Tizer. No, it's very different from Tizer. In the mouth. Yeah?

Yeah. When it's in your mouth, they all taste the same. Is that what you're saying? Yeah. Maybe it does taste different from Tizer, but I haven't actually formed that memory. You know what I mean? It's just like, it's one of those ones. Vimto, now that's very distinctive.

Yes. Vimto has a slightly florid, black currency fruit flavor thing. You know what I mean? Floral. Floral. Not florid. What's florid?

Oh, no, we're not doing that. Fuck off. Florid is like when you're flushed, I believe. Oh, okay. No, florid language is like what we talk all the time. Fuck this cunt, fanny lips. No, that's not florid language by saying fuck this cunt, fanny lips. Oh, it is?

I'll give you a bit more. Come on. Right. Another five seconds of florid language by me, Mr. Boys and Girls Silverman. Mr. Boys and Girls Silverman. Oh, cunt't Up the flat Grind it Snuffle nose

That's tasty sweet Come on I need to stop my gob You might not be aware If you live outside the UK There's a popular soft drink In the UK Called

Iron brew And to me The flavour is very Kind of like Bubblegum You know what I mean It's got that kind of You know when people think

Of artificial bubblegum Flavoured things That to me Is what it tastes like. It's a fruit flavour, isn't it? It's one of these generic fruit flavours that we come across so often. Wikipedia says, What do you think the other national drink of Scotland is?

Whiskey! It's very much whiskey. It is produced in westfield cumbernauld north lanarkshire by aj bar of glasgow and it was uh invented when do you think it was invented iron brew i'd say maybe the 1930s earlier oh yeah 1901 wow so it's it is literally like a like coke or you know one of those ones that goes back all the way to the very dawn of soft drinks. Yeah. I never thought they were all imported.

I wonder if there's anything else. There's an earlier soft drink from the British Isles. Well, there would have been things like Dandelion and Burdock, I guess. But that didn't become a brand, did it? No. That is a flavour. That's not a brand. I'm talking about things like Coke, which started as a tonic.

Oh, I see what you mean. I see what you mean. You're talking about actual brands of soft drinks. I'm very interested as what this started. Did it start off just as a drink or did it have some kind of tonic? I tell you what, let's have a little look. Let's have a little look. Overview, early history.

Okay. The first Iron Brew drink was produced by Mass and Waldstein Chemical Company of New York in 1889 under the name of Iron Brew. There you go. There you go. The drink was popular. I didn't know that. The drink was popular across North America and was widely copied. Was that before Coke or around about the same time? It must have been around about the same time.

I think the Coke was 1886, I believe, or something. A similar beverage was launched in 1898 by London essence firm Stevenson & Howell, who supplied soft drink manufacturers in the uk and colonies many local bottlers around the uk began selling their own versions of the beverage despite the official launch date for bars iron brew being 1901 the firm's aj bar and co and robert bar jointly launched their own iron brew drink at least two years earlier according to documents in the firm's archive that indicates the drink was already enjoying strong sales in May 1899. So what that's telling me, Paul,

is it almost like started off as a sort of just a flavour, or a type, like cola. Yeah. Do you see what I mean? But then bars got hold of it, and then they sort of copyrighted it. Their version of that drink. And that's the only one that survives.

Yeah, it's interesting because it says... You don't think of Iron Brew as like they're being, you know, Pepsi Iron Brew. No. Or, you know what I mean, like Tango Iron Brew. Well, they're colas, aren't they? Because they're fundamentally colas first, based on the tonics and all the blah, blah, blah,

the ingredients. But this is, it's Iron Brew. It's like it's a fruit-carbonated drink. And that's different because it's more in line then with a Dandelion and burdock. Yes. Interesting that there was lots of different versions. And bars, I believe, we've tasted some bars stuff,

like their cream soda and stuff, and it was terrible, wasn't it? No, well, it depends. Didn't they do a root beer recently? It depends because bars is like, remember the olden days, blah, blah, blah, 80s, you bought your bottle of bars, soft drink, and then you took the bottles back the next day and got money off of them. I wasn't aware of that. Okay, so they did have a wide range of soft drinks that they do.

Yeah, when I was growing up, it was like orangeade, lemonade, cola, cream soda, those kind of drinks. And now it's all pineappleade and cherryade and all these random things. They do still, bars do still have a range of soft drinks, they do, don't they? Yeah. And so there's also Schweppes but they were popular because you bought the bottle in your corner shop and then you took them back the next day when they were empty you got 2p back or whatever for the recycling of the glass bottles I think what's interesting is Schweppes didn't they invent or they they patented um the carbonation system itself I don't know

about that I wonder they were involved with early early carbonation and so i'm i wonder whether it was fizzy at first bars iron brew uh it doesn't say if it's carbonated drink does it uh the first advertisement that featured the strongman on the cover which is the icon that goes along with it that was in 1900 and that's also folded found in falkirk's local history archives. The trademark application for the brand name was 1946 when the drink was still off sale because of wartime regulations. The firm first commercialized their drink during this new name in 1948 once government SDI consolidation of the soft drink industry had ended. So they basically said it was a waste of time making soft drinks during the war

so stop it and do this instead. Yes, make guns. That's interesting because it says on the logo, on the bottle, Paul, original and best. And that seems to imply that there were other iron brews. Yes. Do you see what I mean?

This is the original iron brew. Slightly different formulas. Because there's no guarantee that the iron brew that was first sold in New York tasted anything like that. Anything like this. It's the Wild West of fucking soft drink manufacturing back then, wasn't it?

It was. You could buy fucking Coca-Cola full of Charlie. Well, yeah, you did. anything like this um it's the wild west of fucking soft drink manufacturing back then wasn't it was because you could buy fucking coca-cola full of charlie well yeah you did dry it out on a plate yeah you did put it on a plate on top of your oven dry it out chop chop chop no you can't like you do with ketamine what can you free base coca-cola as well then heat it up on a spoon oh is that what free base is no i don't know freebase refers to yeah yes yeah um but no freebases they what you would do is you you cook right you cook powder cocaine yeah with baking soda right like in an oven or in a microwave right and then it bonds right part of the chemical of the baking soda to the cocaine sulfate i believe right and

that makes it smokable keep sure the only podcast that can go from that makes it smokable from iron brew to how to free base cocaine then the whole coke the crack explosion was when people could were free basing turning cocaine into free base yeah Yeah. On a sort of, on a, what do you call it? Industrial scale. Right, okay. Because usually it would be a pain in the arse and people used to burn down their house while trying to freebase.

Do you see what I mean? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you hear all those stories about houses blowing up and stuff because of people fucking about with chemicals. Yes, but so then when they really got it is when they got, I think there was some technique of manufacturing crack which meant that you could just buy it ready-smokable.

Ready-smoke crack? Yeah, yeah. According to Robert Barr, OBE chairman between 1947 and 1978, there was also a commercial rationale behind the unusual spelling of Iron Brew, because as we all know, it's I-R-N-B-R-U. Iron Brew had come to be understood as a generic product category in the UK, um iron brew had come to be understood as a generic product category in the uk whereas adopting the name iron brew allowed the firm to have a legally protected brand identity that would enable the firm to benefit from the popularity of their wartime adventures of bra brew comic strip

advertising the iron brew name has continued to be used for many versions of the drink sold by rival manufacturers which is why when you buy a knockoff, it is spelled Iron Brew. Oh, you can get it. Okay, so it is a generic term. Similar to Dandelion and Blowjob. Dandelion and Blowjob. Saw that.

Great film. Hippie porn. That sounds like a dirty record that the Wurzels made. Yeah. Oh, I've got Dandelion and Blowjob. like a dirty record that the Wurzels made. Yeah. Who are... Oh, I've got dandelion and blowjobs are in my farm tonight.

Dandelion and blowjobs, you're going to get it right. Oh, we've got dandelion and blowjobs. She'll get down on her knees and I will pop into her mouth until she chokes. Oi! And she's a pig.

Right, okay. So, on that basis... We have... How do we get away with this stuff I don't know a bottle of iron brew apparently in the notes they said

this is to wash our mouth out between the tastes of what we'll be using but should we do a little taste test of iron brew itself well I'll let you taste it because you know Covid and blah blah blah

so alright you have a little taste now before we have a look at this I want to see if it's got asputane in aspermine yeah it does it does even though it's not it's got aspartame in it. Aspartame. Yeah, it does.

It does. Even though it's not... Well, this is the big controversy in that, because of the sugar tax in the UK and saving money, they've gotten rid of all the sugar from Iron Brew, replaced it with this stuff. And there's someone familiar with Cheap Show who loves Iron Brew, and they can't drink it now. Because it doesn't taste the same. She's allergic to the aspartame in Iron Brew. Oh, she's that allergic to it, in fact. So now she can't drink it now because it doesn't taste the same she's allergic to the yeah in fact so now she can't drink her favorite drink so she's been stockpiling whatever's left of the original formula well they people have been selling them for a lot of money like cases of the original um it's similar to what happened with coke and new coke yeah but in fact they're

not going to go back they're never going to move so check out grim derps art online there you go if you want to check it out. So have a taste of that. Now, I've tasted this not too recently, and it's I'm Brew-esque, and the fake sugar shit puts me right off it now. Now, Paul, just for this segment, we're in the froth shop, main hall of this froth shop.

You're going to have to go sneak round through the door. To the left is the soda jerk's... Soda jerk. Soda jerk. Soda fountain. Yeah, and you're going to have to go in there. So shalloda Jerk. Soda Jerk. Soda Fountain. Yeah. And you're going to have to go in there. So shall we?

No. Yes. I'm walking around the corner opening a door. There's the Soda Jerker. Hi, guys. Thank you very much. What have you got for us today, Soda Jerk? Well, I got a hunk of burning soda.

Give me a sandwich. Your eldest impression is as bad as anything you've done. Now. No, you can't do it. You can't do it either. No, just because you're bad. Anyway, here we are. You're bad.

Mr. Soda Jug. Thank you very much. What would you like? Iron Brew. What would you like some Iron Brew? Here you go. Thank you. Lonely tonight.

Right. Goodbye. Bye. What a waste of time. I'm going to taste this Iron Brew. You taste it and tell me what you think of it. Because I think it's noticeable. The flavour change.

I'm going to give it a half, Paul. Ooh. It does have a distinct... It reminds me of Edinburgh Fringe because that's the only time I ever really drank it properly was when I went to the Edinburgh Fringe and you just drink Iron Brew. It's widely available in other parts of Britain, though.

Oh, yeah, it is. It's not like it's exclusive to Scotland, but it just seems... The smell is very nice, actually. Have a little sniff. You can do the sniff. You won't get COVID for sniffing. No, that's how I remember it.

It's that bubblegum-y kind of thing. It No, that's how I remember it. It's that bubble gummy kind of thing. It is fruity bubble gummy. It's just sweet. There's very little of the flavour that's on the nose. It's got that nasty chemically aspartame aftertaste. It's very thin, the flavour. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

But it's not unpleasant like Pepsi is, where after a while it's unpleasant to drink. I just don't like Iron Brew now because I can taste that artificial sweetener thing and it just puts me off.

It's got the artificial taste there. Not bad though. Oh, hang on. Along with Penguin Biscuits and Marmite, Iron Brew was banned by the Canadian

Food Inspection Agency for being enriched with vitamins and minerals and banned in the USA. Why would you ban something that's been enriched? We've had the drink. Familiar flavour. It's in your head now.

You go, that's Iron Brew-ish. Kind of. Yeah. So, with that in mind, and now that we know the difference between Iron Brew and Iron Brew, we can try these. Well, we need to go back into the froth shop, Paul.

Round the corner. Round the corner, ding-a-long. Hello, here's some sweets about Iron Brew. Bye! Fine, moving on. Right, this is Iron Brew Pastels. Soft, sugar-coated

Iron Brew flavoured pastels by Buckinans. Buckinans, the finest of Scotland. Now, these have real sugar in, so they're probably

closer to the taste of the original pre-sugar tax Iron Brew version, wouldn't they? True. There's no aspartame in these factors. No, it's just gelatin, sugar, all the usual stuff, malic acid, citric acid.

Oh, nice. Going to have a zing. Yeah. So, Buchanans of Scotland began producing their range of fine confectionery in 1856 and have been delighting customers ever since. Known as the confectionery clan, it is one of Britain's most famous confectionery brands making toffees,

fudges, sweets, chews, chocolates, gums and jellies. What's a pastel? It's a good one, isn't it?

Good. Mallow? Mallow! Mallows are off the list. Come here, Mallow! Now, I realise Roses... Mallow!

Roses, who made those mallows... Mallow! Come here! Mallow! Have you got a dog called Mallow? Alan? He's not called Alan. Mallow. Roses, who made those mallows. Mallow. Come here. Mallow. Have you got a dog called Mallow? Alan. He's not called Alan.

Mallow. You're not. He's called. Dan. No, he was called. Dan. Benson. Mallow.

Fenton. Fenton. Yeah. Mallow. That was a meme from seven years ago. Charlie bit my finger. Right, I'm going to have one. Oh, yeah, they're like a...

You didn't do the huff, Paul. You don't need to. It's iron brew. It's got very little huff. No. Very little. No, practically no huff. Practically no huff.

Well, that's needed to be said. These are a tough gum. They're like American hard gums, aren't they? Hard candy. American hard gums. Okay, it's more of a pastel. Yeah. Because there's a subtle difference.

I think pastel just means a thicker chew. Yes. These are... To the finger, Paul... Yeah. They've got... think pastel just means a thicker chew. Yes. These are to the finger, Paul. Yeah. And they've got two different shapes in here. Well, three really. There's oblongs.

Oblongs, round, and like lemon slice. That's good, nice. Yeah. I like that. Right, I'm going to have this. They are pastels. Oh, they are tough like a pastel, aren't they? Oh, yeah.

But recognizably iron brew in flavour. And you can really taste that bovine gelatin. What do you mean? That lovely cow bone. Non-vegan gelatin. Oh, vegans can't have these at all. Or vegetarians. Because of the gelatin.

Bovine. Very nice though, aren't they? Nice. It really... That full sugar really... You need that. It's the back end, isn't it? It is.

The back end of the flavour. It rounds out the flavor that is missing from the aspartame in the same way that a bit of salt on on with chocolate helps bring out the chocolate really nice you need that real sugar don't you oh they're really they're really good i can't eat anymore because when i edit this all i hear is i'm just gonna have one more yeah but do it away from the mic because last time we had you eat all i could hear is the squeak of your fucking teeth, and it went through me. I'm sitting there editing, and all I hear is, and I'm like, ah, fucking hell.

Roses also do fondants. Yes. What do you want from me with that? I'm just being complete and thorough. Next is our next Iron Brew snack, and it is Urwilly's Braw brew tubar now they're very dab these uh iron brew on the pastels is spelt exactly right like as you'd expect it in english and the same here iron brew the distinction is they're copying the flavor not the brand it's very interesting in

the same way like panda pops cola you know is it with a K? No, but cola is the generic term for what they do. Coca cola is the brand. So it's funny how... There's no a. It's Coke cola. So I don't know how we're going to do this because it's one big... This is the chew bar. Has anyone got any Coke?

A cola? Anybody? Oh, this is by Rose. Boom. Funny. We haven't heard of Rose before and already we're talking about them again. I had. I realised.

I got their fondants. I've said that. That cleans up with a bit of cream. Hey. We haven't heard of Rose before and already we're talking about her again. I had. I realised. I got their fondants. I've said that. That cleans up with a bit of cream. What? God. So, Urwili. Urwili. Is he a cartoon character?

Yeah, it's a Scottish cartoon strip, isn't it? In the same way. Similar like Dennis the Menace. Yeah, it's basically... He's a cheeky lad. Yeah, think of it as like a Scottish Charlie Brown. Does he have... Well, here we go.

Go on, what does he do? What does Ur-Willie do? Ur-Willies. He lures paedophiles out online. Right, great. What? Great. And then, like a superhero, like to catch a predator.

Sorry. Ur-Willie is not to catch a predator sorry oh willy is not to catch a predator boy as in our willy although he's very strong because like he goes they're very dabby showed his muscles and he's living in iron girder take care of himself so it's not an iron girder that's a one of those oh it's very soft what's it called the thing that you toss the caber it's he's tossing a caber no that's not a caber that is a iron He's tossing it like a caber. Let me see. You've ruined it, the picture.

I've got to see this. Christ almighty. Anyway, it's a very soft tube. Oh, it is a girder. Yes. I know the difference between a caber and a girder. You're very dabby saying there. Did you say that already?

Yes. Fucking listen to me when we do a podcast. I like the packaging on this. Rose has done... I think they concentrate on the... Oh. You dropped it in the ashtray. Oh. I've got a bit... You dropped it in the ashtray. Oh.

I've got a bit... No, it's fine. I'll just dust it off. Don't dust it off the ashtray. Oh, mate. That's fine. It's just a bit... Anyway, I'm gonna... We're gonna taste a little bit of it now. It's got much more smell than the pastels, but it's a different smell. It doesn't taste... Ooh, much more tart and fizzy, this. Oh, yeah.

Oh, that's really... I like that. It's got much more of the acidic tartness. Sour, like a sour smell. It doesn't taste... Much more tart and fizzy, this. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's really good. I like that. It's got much more of the acidic tartness. Sour, like a sour gum. Yeah. Oh, nice tingle. Almost like a wham bar. Oh, I love wham bars. What a taste.

That was tasty, wasn't it? 10p, that. Oh, I'm having a moment. Right, good. You're going to have a spoffy, dirty moment. Eli's spoffy, dirty moment. It's the moment you adore. When he gets down on his knees and then he gets down on all fours and I'm going downtown who's's around? He's a spoffy little pig.

Christ. I should know better by now. Five years in. He's a spoffy little pig and he sucks my knob. He's a spoffy little pig. Paul, that was delicious. Don't try and wrestle this segment back. So, that was that segment where we learned a little bit more about Iron Brew.

I much prefer the sweets than the actual... Than the drink. Than the real deal. Now, I know they've ruined it. They have ruined it. It's just a weak facsimile of what it used to be. It needs that sugar. It needs the sugar for the flavour. I remember when the news came out about this and the CEO was like,

it tastes just as good as it ever did. Don't you worry. No one knows the difference. He would say that. Cut to everyone saying, no, we know the difference. It tastes like piss now. And some of us can't drink it at all.

So great. If you're allergic. Yeah, it's crazy. And I don't know. I don't like this. Also, the idea of like making the regular drink a luxury item now.

So I think you can get Iron Brew original flavor, but it's probably called full sugar fat extreme version. Oh they do. They have started manufacturing it again.

I think there's a brand that is fundamentally the bad Iron Brew. But it's not bars. No I think it is. They've got a whole range of like energy drink Iron Brew

and all this kind of crap. So I think one of them tastes more like the original flavour. I can see the energy drink with a bit taurine tasting okay. But like even Coca-Cola

has fucking done it now where every single bottle now is all the zero sugar shit. But if you want to get the just normal Coke it's kind of hard to find. Classic. So they're trying to get you

to buy it by making these zero sugar ones more interesting by saying oh here's one that tastes of mango. I had one that tasted of cinnamon. Cinnamon, Coca-Cola,

zero sugar. It was the most fucking disgusting thing. Yes, but the ones, their little their, what sugar. It was the most fucking disgusting thing. Yes, but the ones, their little, what are they called? Signature, their little mixer ones. They're lovely. They are lovely.

But again, that's a luxury version now of it. And it just feels like it's that idea where it's not good enough to have one brand that everyone buys. Now you've got to have 50 versions of that. It goes back to that thing we spoke about a while ago. It must not be just a cultural thing

within businesses, but it's also to do with what people can do with manufacturing. The way... Yes. Do you see what I mean? Yeah.

It's become easier to produce... It must have become easier to produce more flavours. Do you see what I mean? Yeah, of course. And to be able... It's the manufacturing process. To me,

that's just they're throwing shit at a wall and seeing what sticks. Yeah. But some of it sticks, man. Not much. Not much. No, with Coke,

they're all for it. No one goes, oh, I really like that cinnamon Coca-Cola flavour. Well, now that we're talking about taste of shit chemicals. We're talking about soda. Listeners might remember

that we tasted Gusto Cola and we loved it. It's not cheap. No. But it is a delicious cola. Yeah. With no nasties. No, we only featured it on the show because it was a treat to wash.

To wash the... Fuck me. It was a treat for us. Just to wash the taste of Die Hard 5 from our mouths. Oh, yes. Did we do it on that episode? Yeah, we just thought, fuck this. Now, I have since tasted two variations they've done, gusto.

Of cola or just different soft drink? Cola. Because I did not like their energy drink at all. It's nasty. It's really punishing in that way, like health food punishment. Yeah. Punishment food, you know? Yeah.

Anyway, like carob. You ever had carob? No. Carob is a form of sort of fake chocolate that I used to have to eat when I was macrobiotic and a child. And we'd be like, can we have some carob? No wonder you're you. Whatever.

I'm me. I'm me. And I fuck a pig in my mind. Well, on that note, I think we'll end this segment. No, we're not going to. I've got stuff to say. No, I want this segment to end with the mental image of you fucking a pig.

I have to say some things about gusto, which you will find quite fascinating. I hope so. I tasted two of their variations. Yes. The cherry. Okay. Cherry cola gusto.

Nice. Absolutely delicious. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really lovely. Not a really strong cherry flavour, but it's there. There. And very delicious. Right.

As you would imagine. I like cherry cola. You like cherry cola. I like cherry cola. We all like cherry cola. We all like cherry cola. You like cherry cola. I like cherry cola. We all like cherry cola. We all like cherry cola. But they do a light, like a diet cola version,

which I tasted as well. Yeah. And it is spectacular because it has got no nasties. I think they use agave syrup instead of sugar. I'm using that in my tea at the moment. Yeah, it's fine.

Yeah. But they've designed it. You know, like diet Coke has a particular flavour and people get addicted to it. Yes. And it has that taste. It's like chemical again.

It's that chemically flavour. But it is a distinct thing, isn't it? And some people prefer it, like the flavour of Diet Coke. Same for Pepsi Max. Some people go fucking mad for Pepsi Max and I'm like, I don't get that. What Gusto have done is an incredibly clever piece of flavour engineering. It tastes like that stuff. It tastes like Diet Coke.

It's got that sort of chemically, that flavour. Oh, well then I might not like it stuff. It tastes like Diet Coke. It's got that sort of chemically, that flavour. Oh, well then I might not like it because I don't like Diet Coke. No, I didn't particularly like it but I just thought this is amazing.

They've made it. It's got nothing bad in it but they've actually It's a facsimile of a popular brand. So if people chance it and go, oh, I like this,

it's because it's like Diet Coke. You should try it because people get into problems with Diet Coke and it's no laughing matter, Paul. Is it not? I knew someone who was disabled from his Diet people get into problems with Diet Coke. And it's no laughing matter, Paul. Is it not? I knew someone who was disabled from his Diet Coke use. What, Diet Coke made him disabled?

How? He was on two litres a day and it got all fucked with his... Kidneys. Yeah. I did not know that. People have problems. And people have to wean themselves off it. Because what?

What's addictive to it? I don't know what is the addictive element. But people get into real bad things with it. Is it because they think it's good for them? Because it says diet on the tip so they drink more of it. Well, that's how you start. element but people get into real bad things with it is it because they think it's good for them because it says diet on that's how you start that's how you start but then yeah but then people get really desperate like that you know the shops run out to the point where it fucks your liver yeah i've never heard of that i'm not i'm not discounting the story i'm just saying that it's shocking to me it's true it's quite bad stuff and they had i think coke had to sort of do something where they go we changed the the, you know, so it's not so terrible. Yeah. But this Gusto diet version is fucking amazing.

The way it replicates the flavour in detail. I see that you like that brand with Gusto. Yes, that Gusto. They are really latter day, in the latter day, late capitalist soft drinks market. Neo-capitalist, neoliberal capitalist market. They are a king. Neoliberal capitalist market. They are a king.

Why do you just... Whatever. I'm going to make this show more political. Get edgy. Politics is bad. Fuck a pig in the mouth. Fuck a pig in the mouth. That's what the people really want. If I went online right now and said,

what would you like Cube Show to be about? Politics and interesting issues of the day or Eli saying let's fuck a pig in the mouth I know it would be 95% fuck a pig in the mouth right, shall we just get it out of the way then? and I'll do it as if I'm approaching saying fuck it the pig in the mouth really fast

let's end the segment on this note fuck a pig in the mouth fuck a pig in the mouth fuck a pig in the mouth Fucking pick it up now. Fucking pick it up now. Fucking pick it up now. Fucking pick it up now. Fucking pick it up now. Fucking pick it up now. Fucking pick it up now. Fucking pick it up now. And that's a segment. I've got terrible wind. Have you started recording?

I have just now. I literally just started as you said, I've got terrible wind. I've got terrible wind. Pipe. Wind tunnels. She said wind pipe. It was easier. No, what? I've got terrible wind pipe. Wind tunnels. She said wind pipe. It was easier. No, what?

I've got terrible wind pipe. What does that mean? I've got no throat. I've got no throat. Oh, sore throat. No, have at this. I've got terrible wind tunnels. They keep coming in. Oh, we're the wind tunnels. And now on CITV, the wind tunnels, our new animated cartoon. Boing, boing, boing, boing, boing. They're the wind tunnels. Boing, boing, boing, boing, boing.

They're the wind tunnels. Boing, boing, boing, boing, boing. And I'm the wind sock. Well, well, well, well. Don't come at me. Have you ever wanked into a wind sock? I'd love to. Why would you love to?

Imagine you'd need like a backpack. A hover pack. Hover jet. Hover jet pack. Hover jet pack. Yeah, we'd need like a backpack. A hover pack. Hover jet. Jet pack. Hover jet pack. Yeah, we got there in the end. And then you go... Yeah, and then what? And then you put it on hover in front of a windsock. Right. That would be a stout. Now do you

go at the big end or the small end? The big end. Where it tapers. I'd need the big end. No, you don't. Yes, I would. You wouldn't. Oh, it's touching the sides. No, it's not. Can you get a bigger windsock? This fantasy is over. I need a bigger windsock to fit my massive knob on. We're going to need a bigger windsock.

Right, what are we doing now, Paul? We're doing... It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. Oh, it's that fucking price of shite. Oh, it's that fucking price of shite. Oh, it's the fucking price of shite. No, you fucked that

so badly. You fucked it by stopping it. No, let's just, I'll just take you through it. No, every fucking time. No, you did it wrong, Paul. You're not fucking Pavarotti.

You're not Pavarotti. You're Grotterotti. Grotter... Pavagrotti. There we go. Pavagrotti. It is. You look like Pavagrotti. Pavagrotti. There we go. Pavagrotti. It is.

You look like Pavagrotti. That's great. I've never seen that before. Ron Jeremy. Ron Jeremy. No. Pavagrotti. Is Eli's new identity.

I think we need to put the Ron Jeremy in the box. Comparisons. Then put that box in a cement box. Put it in jail, perhaps. And then put it in jail. And then fill that jail with cement box. Put it in jail perhaps. And then put it in jail and then fill that jail with cement and then sink that jail. Yes, so none more of that. None more. Muchly

none more. No muchly none more. It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. First verse. Second verse. It's the fucking price of shite. Not verses, they're lines. Segment. Lines. Line. First line. It's the fucking price of shite. Yes. Second line. It's the fucking price of shite. Yes. Third line. It's the fucking price of shite yes second line it's the fucking price of shite

yes third line it's the fucking price of shite oh it's the fucking price of shite you didn't do that I did

should I sing it I literally did no it's the fucking price of shite it's the fucking price of shite

it's that fucking price of shite oh it's that fucking price of shite no see the scanning is wrong no your scanning's off

it's the fucking price of shite you couldn't get this. It's like that. I wasn't doing that version. No, you need that version to be better. I was doing mine, mate. Three minutes in.

I need to say that's right. I haven't been given a good lead up to say that's right. Oh, it's the fucking Price of Shite. Oh, it's the fucking Price of Shite. It's the fucking Price of Shite. Oh, it's that fucking Price of Shite. And that's right. I'm not happy with that version. Right. So, we're doing the Price of Shite. Oh, it's that fucking Price of Shite. And let's ride. Not happy with that version.

Right. So, we're doing the Price of Shite. Is that a bespoke? No, this is for me. I've done this. You've done one. So, you will be running.

You'll be the games master of the Price of Shite. I will be the games master today. Now, I have four items, Mr. Silverman, bought from charity shops from the Muswell Hill area. Now.

Okay. They're a little bit more costly than usual. Well, there is up there. Up round there. They're up there, but I think... It is a bit pricey than usual. Well, there is up there. It is a bit pricey up round Muswell Hill. That's where the kinks were from originally. So I spent no more than six quid

on the four items. Which might mean a little bit less than that. So no. You said no more then. I didn't get it right in my mouth mind. No, you don't get much right in your mouth mind. So, four items. They're all a bit more costly than usual, but not expensively so.

No more than six quid to spend. That also. Just go with it. Just go. Oh, he's having a little explaining meltdown, everybody. As usual, the rules are one petwing for being within 25p either way of the actual price. Two petwings if you get it spot on the nose.

However, two of the items have the exact same price. If you can find out what they are, you're going to get three petwings. If you get them and you get the right price, you also get three petwings. My eyes are filling up with petwings signs. This is a Petwing, I don't know what you want to call it,

a Pockle Petwing lips. I'm going to hold you to this. So you said the two items, I'm writing this down, two items on the same price. Now, if I just identify that they are the same price. You just get three Petwings, which is still in itself a glorious bonus. Three Petis.

But if you get them both the right if you pair them correctly and you get their price correctly that's another three per twings. That's six. But that would be on top of the four per twings I got

for both of them getting on the nose. If you did, yes. So you see what I'm saying? That would be this is Wow. I could on those two items alone I could

score ten per twings. Where should we start with? Let's start with this. A nice little practical item. Say what you see. Oh, this is... I'll covet this.

This is a set of measuring spoons. Yes, they are. And they... What have you got here? You've got half a cup. That's half a cup? No, that's not half a cup. It's half a cup? No, that's not half a cup. It says half a fucking cup on it!

It says half a teaspoon, 2.5 millilitres. In no way did TSP look like CUP. It did to me. Why? I don't know. You psych-deficient wank stain. It's dark round here, that's all it is. Okay, so you've got the smallest, which is...

We're not going to go through each size.'s half a teaspoon and the biggest one is what is that half a teaspoon yes that's that's a full teaspoon surely that's half a teaspoon it says that on it it's not exactly a teaspoon's worth you know when you look at a teaspoon you think oh that's a teaspoon it's not the same measurement what do you mean a teaspoon that you use to put a cup of sugar in your tea instead isn't the same measurement as that teaspoon there. They're separate teaspoon measurements. That's bullshit. It's like you have the official teaspoon measurement,

which is 2.5 mil, then you have whatever teaspoon it is you dump in, because teaspoons are different sizes. Which varies slightly, but it's always going to be around that. And that just looks like more than half of it. That's all I'm saying. Right, so... That's half of a large teaspoon.

I didn't think we'd have this much fucking discussion about teaspoon sizes. This is one teaspoon. Yes. Oh, that does look... It's a very deep teaspoon. Yes. So the next one up is one teaspoon. But also, think about this.

Teaspoons are quite flat. They're quite flat. And you heap the sugar. Yes, so this is much deeper, but narrower. Yeah, so a level teaspoon is that shade of its excess at the top. That's good, that. So, yes, the next one up is five... teaspoon is that shade of its access at the top that's good that so yes the next one up

is five mate they don't want to know about the different types of fucking teaspoon and then what we got you got a tablespoon one tablespoon right

that's half a tablespoon so that means the biggest one is a tablespoon yes oh that's good this is good very useful

it's a very useful thing looks like too big for a tablespoon yeah but you could get a gopher's head in that You could put a gopher's head You could put a kitten's head in it

Only a very small kitten You could put a bollock in it You could fill that with cum and feed it to your pig Stop it with the pig cum No don't So there's your first item And this has inspired me Paul It's inspired you, has it?

Yes. Why? Musically. Yeah? To do a little ditty. Oh, here we go. Fucking Lonnie Donegan's in the room. I like to describe as pig came in my mouth.

Right, okay. Oh, pig came in my mouth. Pig came in my mouth. All around the dairy farm, the pig came in my mouth. Shut up. That's item number one. Item number one, the spoons. Right, next. Nice, nice.

I mean, very nice item. Next. If you're cooking a cake or something. Here's the second item. You bake a cake. Say what you see, Mr. Silverman. Oh, this is another kitchen utensil of some sort. I'm not sure if it's a kitchen utensil.

It's a calendar. On a modular tin. This is a pill dispenser, isn't it? Oh, do you think that's what it is? Yeah, because you set it. Basically, it's a little metal tin that is segmented into segments. And each segment's got a... It's got three segments.

You've got at the bottom... The month. And then... Day. Day of the month. Date. And then day of the week at the top. Yeah.

I'm not quite sure, but you can all set it to whatever. What's the date today? It's the November today it's the November the 3rd 3rd alright November the 3rd and what day is it

Tuesday yeah so I think you do that and then you remember when you put your pills in where do you line it up with there's something on the lid because the lid's white

and that's pink there's a little red mark on the lid and I think you put your different pills in each segment and then you you take your pills I don't know if you know you do you know because the sticker on the bottom of this I had to take off pills in each segment and then you take your pills I don't know if you know

you do you know because the sticker on the bottom of this I had to take off because it was stuck to the price but it said it came with

paper clips and elastic bands oh so it's like a desk you could use it maybe it's a desk thing it's a desk tidy yeah but also a calendar

I think it's quite a nice little thing it's a nice little thing and that is item number two okay item number three so far you'd argue that all these are quite useful items on reflection. Yes.

Here we go, item number three. What? This is the price of shite. So far, these are all actually quite interesting. This will be the death of fucking this show, this stuff. Why? Because you've handed me some kind of cable. It's a very handy cable.

I'll have a look then, shall I? It's an audio jack splitter. Oh, I want one of these. Yeah, it's quite a load of shit. Fast forward to, I want one of these. I need this. Do you want it? Yes.

Don't be a prick then. Cut back on the prickly, prickly business. Okay. Starring Tom Cruise. Pricky business. Oh, a prickly business. Steaming windows. Steaming windows.

Pricky business. Oh, it's got a nice... fabricy feel fabric uh which is good and oh it's a lovely thing paul oh good is it you judge way too quickly i know you know it's like you said when we played that uh mario game on um on the wii you and i was just going for it yeah this is shit and then i don't want to turn it off. I'm enjoying it. No, I enjoyed it, but you said my style of play was like really impatient, just running into it. Yeah, it's very impatient.

Trial and error. I just go, die, die, die, die, die. Whereas I take my time. It's one of the reasons why I don't like Sonic, because I like to explore. Sonic's just not very good, I think. Oh, edgelord, your opinion there. Great.

It's good, isn't it? So, simple. Nice build quality. And do you know what, Paul? I saw these when I had my phone fixed the other day. I saw some little bass speakers, and they were tenor. New. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I might give them a go, and then I could have my... I'll do it for headphones more than anything. But yeah, I guess you could put... Because it was just split to stereo feeds, so that should be fine. Yeah. Oh, there you go. So you get stereo coming out of both. Yeah, I think.

You get the full, yes. I'd hope so. And also it's handy if we ever did another stream again and we both need to share the headphones. You know, when we had that problem with Stuart, then you spent the whole time gambling poker rather than watching the video. I got lost as well. Yeah, good. That'll teach you. Anyway, put it down. Next item. Now this one's a

little bit interesting. Mr Silverman, say what you see. This is a fire lighting kit plus grandpa's fire fork. What's grandpa's fire fork? It's his car. No, it's not. Yes, it is. He goes, hello.

Oh, here we go. He goes. Storytime granddad fork. Now, I tell you, so it be. I tell you, boy. I tell you boy I had a fire fork In the war You know what else I did in the war? You ate genitals

I ate people's genitals So I be, so I am, so I was They called you the eunuch maker That's all they did Here he comes Eunuch makers on the prowl. Murderer. People got to fear that sound in the middle of the night.

You could hear that. It meant the Unikmakers coming. So they did. And do you know what, Sammy Jim, so I am, so you are. Why do you like balls so much? Why is it? Why is that your go-to spot on a human body? That makes you a cannibal.

It's just I like to tell stories. Storytime Grandad you a cannibal. It's just I like to tell stories. Storytime Grandad is a cannibal. And it just really dawned on me. I like to tell stories. Do you have jars of balls? No, I don't. So I don't eat balls no more. What, you're eating fresh off the vine, so to speak?

No, no more balls. I've gone vegan. So I have. So you don't eat genitals anymore? No, I only joined the war. I was in loads of wars. Right. So I was't eat genitals anymore? No, I only joined the war. I was in loads of wars. Right. So I was. How many balls? Did you have like a necklace of

balls around your neck? Oh, scrotal sacks. Yeah, scrotal sacks. Great stuff. I still don't like this character. I'll go then, shall I? Yeah, he never ranks. So I will. Yeah, bye. Story time. He did rank. I did rank. So I did. No, you don't. I don't remember. I blanked it. This year's awards, I don't believe he ranked. I'll just fill my pipe in the uh in the next room then shall i yes go and fuck

off please bye story time granddad i hate him so much don't don't go for the effort of closing the door what it's just he's gone now get the pack out get the fire lighting kit out what is in the box a wooden block. What is that, a block? It's more of a stick. It's halfway between a stick and a block with a... Oh, God. It's got a little hole in for a bit of string to dangle.

And there is a bit of string and a toggle. Just a little bit of wood. Oh, is this for... Oh, I wonder what this is for. It's a camping gadget, basically. But it's in lots of different parts, so you... Now, I'll tell you what the granddad's fork is or the granddad's fire fork this is granddad's fire fork the idea behind

it is you know when you go camping or in america you see people camping and they put marshmallows on sticks and then they roast them right don't do that yet you use this instead this you take off you put your marshmallows on it feeds for the metal sprocket grabs the branch it means it holds the marshmallows to the stick that you're holding the branch so this is just a thing you put your marshmallows on it feeds through the metal sprocket grabs the branch it means it holds the marshmallows to the stick that you're holding the branch this is just a thing you put on the end of a branch to hold marshmallows

or sausages or sausages yeah or anything you can spear with it yeah it's basically a little spear and then when you join it together and put a branch through the sprocket in the middle it holds it all together

and it's not a sprocket I don't know what is it called? a hole a hole looks like a pig's mouth no it doesn't look like a pig's mouth everything looks like a pig's mouth and it's not a sprocket. I don't know. What is it called? A hole. A hole. Looks like a pig's mouth. No, it doesn't look like a pig's mouth.

Everything looks like a pig's mouth today. Ah. And so what's that? Just a holder. Just to hold it all together. Just a cover. Okay, so it's got some tension. Yeah. I like that item.

Yeah. That's useful. So the other thing that you were playing with, that is the sparker. Now, okay, so the idea is you take this block, you shave it onto the campfire. Oh, you get the shavings of that? This is just for shaving.

So let's just say you've got coal or you've got wood for a campfire. This is just what you shave. You scrape it. Then you take that, which looks like a key fob for a car. Two key fobs connected by a piece of string again. And... Yep, got it.

And then you basically don't do it anywhere near because it makes big sparks. Have you tried? Yeah. I like to make a big spark. So you have to run it down like you're... You see? Oh, look at that.

Wow. That's cool. And then hopefully that catches the tinder that you've built. It's nice, Paul. Yeah. But you've just got a lighter or several lighters. No, this is the thing. If it's windy, lighters are no good.

You may not have a Zippo. You know, you might not have a gasoline. That is meant to, in any weather, create a spark. That's cool. That's literally what it says in the box. Create a spark in any weather. Ah.

Great item. Brilliant. So, that is item. I like all of these. Especially Grandpa. Why is it Grandpa's Fire Fork? It's probably like in the same way the name comes from things like the Jew's Harp or whatever.

No, because that's the phrase, isn't it? The thing you put in your mouth and it goes bong, bing, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong. It's not a very good name, but it's got one of those kind of folksy names. And I think this is a very folksy name for it. Is it really? Yeah, because it's like, oh, remember the old days we used to go sit around the campfire

and bake marshmallows with Grandpa's fork? Because Grandpa would make a rudimentary fork from nature. And then he'd get it and flop it out. No, Grandad did not flop it out, put it in a pig's mouth and then spit roasted pig over your flame. He's got a very feathery... Would you fuck a spit roasted pig? Like a pig that was turning on, crackling on the fire.

Depends how much money is offered. I'm going to say a couple of mil. Oh, yeah. But it's being broadcast on telly. No. Eli fucks spittle pig. I'd do it. When's it on?

What slot have I got? It's on channel five. What time? Midnight. I'd do it. Yeah. For two mil? Yeah.

I could retire. But your family have to be in the room watching with you at the same time. Fine. Yeah. At least I get to see them. Not for long afterwards.

Yeah but could they leave until I've got in the pig and then they don't actually have to see the dog? No they have to see every drop that falls out the back of the pig. Oh, God. They have to see every warm spurt that dribbles out the back of the suckling pig.

I'm sorry I talked about faffing pigs. Are you sorry? Yes, I am now. Good. Hopefully no more pig material will feature the rest of this episode. So there is your four items. The fire starter kit, the calendar tin, the spoons,

and the headphone splitter. It is now Eli's turn to guess the prices of that shite. And I would say it's not that shite. These are all second-hand items. What do you want to do? Do you want to maybe

pair up the two you think I'm asking you a question. Oh, yeah. These are all second-hand. All second-hand items. I think that the measuring spoons and the desk tidy calendar were the same price. So you think these two are the same price, measuring spoons and the desk tidy calendar were the same price.

So you think these two are the same price? The spoons and the tin, yeah? What about prices now? I'll give you a little bit... Well, no, I'm not going to give you that. I've given you a hint already. No more than six quid

spent on all four items. So, what do you think? He's mulling it over. It's exciting shit, as I'm sure you'll agree. I think possibly the cable is the most expensive. Headphone adapter, yeah, okay. I think possibly the cable is the most expensive. Headphone adapter, yeah, okay.

I think maybe that's like £2.50. Headphones, £2.50, he says. Next item, let's go with the Firestarter kit. How much do you think that is? I think it's like £1.50. £1.50? Let me just see, once I've got them all. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So if these are the same price, these two items. They'd be a quid each. Quid each. I think I'm going to get one per twing at least out of this. I'd say I'd pay a quid yeah I mean obviously I know the answer

so I'm not going to lead you too much but you know what I agree with your reasoning I think that's a reasonable reasoning so headphone ejector

headphone ejector headphones fire starter tin and spoons they're not headphones they're headphone adapters so here we go

are you ready yes what did you say for the headphone adapters £2. What did you say for the headphone adapters? £2.50. £2.50. The headphone adapters were £1.50. So you're out by a quid there.

I'm fucked. That's it. It's over. This is going to be a between this. Fire starter. How much did you say for that? £1.50. It was £2 on the nose.

So that's £2. So we head into the spoon and the tin. I said they were a quid each. And you are correct. So that means you get between. Between. Between. Between.

Between. Between. That's a six between. No, it's not six betwings. There's six betwings plus the four betwings. We're getting them both on the nose, Paul. Oh, my God, that's true. It's ten betwings.

I've got to put four more on. Betwing, betwing, betwing, betwing. Mouth noise. Look at that. Look at all those betwings you've got. Ten betwings. I don't think I've scored that much in years. Mate, that is a solid victory.

I mean, admittedly, that saved your life. Getting these right saved your life. I thought I was going to get none betwings. None betwinged. Well, well done. I'm exalted. I'm having the spoons because I bought them because I do a lot of baking at the moment. So I'm having those.

So you can have the tin or the Firestarter or the headphones. I just want the headphone adapter. All right, good. Do you want the tin? No. You could put spunk in that one. I do not have the tin or the fire starter or the headphones I just want the headphone adapter alright good do you want the tin? no you could put spunk in that one I do not want the tin

pig spit in that one I do not want the you have to have pig urine to lure them out into the woods I don't fuck pigs you do

you've said it numerously so I am going along with the idea I can imagine it he gets a little sample of pig urine and he has a little tin and he dabs it

just under his ears just under his ears just under his ears to lure them out and then he makes pig sex noises I think I think they go like this serves you right

that was the impression of the pig getting a cock in its mouth from you is this segment over I think so but I'm having trouble getting out.

Open the door, get on the floor. Everybody walk that dinosaur. That's Cheap Show over. This week, thank you for joining us on our economy journey. And just one more time, if you want to send us anything, a price of shite, some vinyl, bits and bobs you think might be interesting for the show we've got a po box now a brand new one eli what is it cheap show po box 1309 harrow ha19qj that's cheap show po box 1309 harrow ha19qj and what's our website address for people who might want to go to the page

that has pictures and videos accompanying this episode? Yep, thought so. It's thecheapshow.co.uk. And if you want to email us a story, like a tell us from the dance floor or shop floor or any kind of floor really,

or a story or an anecdote to fill us in on a bit of information, it is thecheapshowatgmail.com. Facebook, we're on that. Instagram, we're on that. Just look for Cheap Show. cheap show you'll find it tumblr etc also twitter where we're most vocal it is at the cheap show pod i'm at paul gannon show and eli is there's a picture of my dream right from the other episode paul of when i lost my records because they i attached them to some balloons why did i do that stream why did i do that stream oh it's from the stream yeah

it's not canon can they watch the stream. It's not an episode. It's not canon. Can they watch the stream? Any stream episodes are not canon, I've decided. Okay. Apart from 200, which obviously is. But that was an episode as well.

Yeah, it was an episode. And if the stream wasn't canon, but the episode that came from the stream. Yeah, it is canon. Yeah. It's canon. Do you know what improves my stream?

Pig. Certainly does. Come buckets. I get zinc tablets. I wonder what animal he'll be molesting next week, ladies and gentlemen. I don't molest animals. I just want to make that clear. I don't know.

You've got a track record with bees, pigs. I only molest imaginary animals. No, pigs and bees are real animals. No, but the ones I fuck are imaginary. Oh, well, that's fair enough. Right. My Twitter account is... Oh, yeah, we's fair enough. Right. My Twitter account is... Oh, yeah, we hadn't done that bit.

Because I interjected. Yeah, in that pig's mouth. Oh, you know. We have fun. Eli Snoid, spelled E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. Have you done the Patreons? Oh, yeah. God, sorry.

Yeah, sorry. For everyone who helps us on Patreon, thank you very much. Especially during this year, it has helped us in ways you couldn't imagine. So thank you. If you listen to this and you'd like to support this weird little podcast.

I can imagine. I reckon they could imagine. Yeah, they probably can. It's Patreon. Because I have spent a big watch on getting a pig. Yeah. Your money, Patreon people,

have paid the Patreon pig. It's a plastic pig. Rubber pig. Maybe we should start a pig-tryon. We just get people to donate pigs. Hang on, what are you doing with mouth noises for? Rubber biscuit, but a version of rubber biscuit, but it's a pig. Right, we've lost Eli.

I'm pulling out. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us. See you next time on Cheap Show. Goodbye. Bye, everybody.