CheapShow - Ep 207: The Arbiters of Filth

Episode Date: December 4, 2020

Eli's been a very naughty boy, and Paul is going to have to make him face his behavior straight on. It does not go well. Obviously. Meanwhile on the economy comedy podcast, we dive back into the Inbox to pull out a few listener correspondence, one of which is very very mucky indeed, so consider yourself warned! The big event this week is in the rarely recurring "Paul's Page Turners" segment. This week, we are reading from "How to Hold A Crocodile" which is packed with useful (and useless) information. Put it one way, things are about to get very, very silly... And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-207-arbiters-of-filth If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Also, you can NOW see Eli star in "Ashens & The Polybius Heist", download it from here: https://www.watchpolybiusheist.com MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Paul is writing a book! Want to help make it happen? https://unbound.com/books/ghosts/

Right, welcome to Cheap Show. Hello. How are you feeling today, Mr. Silverman? Fine, I'm fine. I don't know what you're implying. Well, I'm implying that maybe yesterday you got a little bit too drunk and you're a little bit rough today. Can I state that you acted like a silly bugger last night, drinking? Why are we doing this? This isn't how we start. I was going to say, can we do my start? It's not an intervention!

This episode of Cheap Show is an intervention episode. It's like, who you got? Come on, bring them in. You've got no one because you've got no fucking friends. No one's coming to come in. Well, you do it then. Where's the letter? I want my intervention letter that I read out. No, you don't get an intervention letter.

What intervention letter? Hand the letter over. What letter? Dear Eli, I have known you for a long time. And you are my best friend. Hang on. I want the letter, mate. Well, that's a book.

I'm trying to do a sound effect. And the award for Foley artist goes to... I've got it. Oh, here we go. So hand me it. No, I'll read it. Dear Eli go he's written it so hand me it no I'll read it dear Eli

you're my best friend and when you get drunk it makes me sad last night you were aggressive abusive and trying to griff money off me and Joe

all night long I was not ending in an event that can only be described as appalling when you tried to leapfrog over some bollards outside Edwards. I successfully leapfrogged over a bollard.

Two out of three times. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to play the audio from that scene right now. Don't! I'm playing it. Dude, come on forward. What? You're doing what we said you were doing.

You do it, you can't. I fucking hurt myself. Don't fucking... Don't fucking that's the point yeah that's the point You gotta do a run up! Shut your mouth! Shut your stupid fucking mouth! I'm fucking doing what I'm fucking gonna do! I'm going for Kido! Yeah?

Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy No, no, no. Measuring it you cunt! Shut up! That's not a runner. A proper runner. Ohhhh No, no, no, no, no that's not a runner. Go further back. How far you want me to fucking go you cunt? Right, yeah that's good.

Yeah, want further? No. Go on then. Please. Go on then, Eli. Fuck. Can't fuck your mum. Yeah. Was that a runner? Suck this bitch.

I love it. It's so tense in my mind. Good. So there. Your behaviour was appalling last night. Well, Paul, but what really matters, and I think I speak for the listeners of this podcast, is that we imbue information and entertainment to them.

So can we do my opening instead of your stupid one? I would love to do your opening. What's that the noise of? Me entering your bumhole, right? Well, you slurp it to get it wet, do you? You know what? You're the Foley artist, my friend. I am the Foley artist.

Here come the Foley artists. Murderer. Right, we'll do my opening again. All right, okay. Hello, everybody. Don't make that noise. Don't laugh. Hello, everybody. It't make that noise. Don't laugh. Hello, everybody.

It's Eli Silverman here. It's dark outside. But here at Cheap Show, we welcome you in to the house of ham and eggs. And here we are on the sofa, as is our want. And there's Paul. Hello, Paul. Hello, Eli. All right, then.

What's going on on the show today? Well, I don't know. How about you and me, we hold hands and we start the show? I've told you on countless occasions, there's no touching. Oh, right. And especially in today's climate, Paul. Oh, me phantom hand. Oh, fuck your fucking...

Don't! Stop! Oh, stop! Welcome to Cheap Show. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap Show.

Off-brand, frat-dog. Off-brand, frat-dog. It's the price of shite! Paul Gannon! Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheap Show And a go and a nuzzle Yes, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast Where we go through Right, you do it then I'm not doing it Look, you interrupt me then

You do that and then I'll say where we go through And then you start listening. So it's like back and forth. Okay, okay. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast. Where we go through. The bargain bins.

The charity shops. What else? The pound lands. Anymore? The rummage sales. The jumble sales. The boot sales. Yes.

The discount bargain bins. All right, that's enough now. No, that is enough now. Bake sales. Bake sales. Bins. Oh, I did have something baked. Did you? Yes. the discount bargain no that is enough now bake sales bins oh I did have something baked pumpkin pie from my friend

do you like pumpkin pie no I don't like the taste of it you haven't had a good one you haven't had pumpkin pie like this you haven't had pumpkin pie like this bric-a-bric a prick a prunty. No, right.

Okay, so first of all, that's not happening. What's not happening? You trying to get whatever prick a prick a prunty is into the show, which you foolishly, before we start recording, say, I'm going to make that a thing this week. I'm going to make it a thing. Yeah, well, you know what? As of this moment on, every time you say that,

I'm editing it out of the podcast. That's already gone. That one went. All right. I won't say it then. Yeah, good. Fine, Paul. It won't be in the episode anyway. Listen, I'm editing it out of the podcast. That's already gone. That one went. Alright. I won't say it then. Yeah, good. Fine, Paul. Because it won't be in the episode anyway. Listen, I'm just peppering. I'm peppering it with... That's getting cut out as well, so carry on.

I'm just a pinch. I'm peppering it with a pinch of... Paul, no, but all seriously. Yeah. Putting... Well, good. Pronté. No. Emily Pricky Pricky Pronté. You got him going. No, you, good. Pronte. No. Emily Pricky Pricky Pronte. You got him going.

No, you didn't. Paul, put something we did say we were going to mention. Yeah. Into this week's sort of, you know, a bit more conversational episode than normal. Yes, it's going to be a very kind of loose fit episode today. Was Scumbles. Yes, what is Scumbles? No, it's Scumbles.

I think it's Scumbles. You're going to check it on the internet? Yes. All right, well, then put in Scumbles. You think it's Scumbles. Yes, what is Scrumbles? No, it's Scrumbles. I think it's Scrumbles. You're going to check it on the internet? Yes. Right, well then put in Scrumbles. You think it's Scrumbles. I thought there was an R in it. I thought it was Scrumbles. Okay.

I don't know why we're mentioning it. It's just an ad for pet food that makes the shit more solid. Scrumbles. Dog foods. Here is Scrumbles. Oh, it is Scrumbles. It's Scrumbles.

Yeah, Scrumbles. Right, we is scrumbles. It's scrumbles. Yeah, it's scrumbles. Right, we saw scrumbles. Hey. Yeah. Hey. Are they nicking shit from us? No. Come on, we're the kings of scrum words.

Right, so what? In an executive board meeting. They went, I've been listening to this. Let's rip it off because we're the man. And fucking monetize their magic. Their magic scrumage words. Why is it when you said monetize, you like grabbed your loins and just went groovy groovy grind with it? I'm grooving

on a scrammage tip. Mr Paul Yes, hello He's back Paul. It's Bill Donut here. I've got another song to sing. Okay. This is from my anthology

collection of rare B-sides. Okay. We were doing something about... This is from my anthology collection of rare bee signs. Bill. Yes? Nice to see you. Have you been on The Source? Yes. Yes, you have been on The Source, haven't you? I'm here to sing a song.

Okay. No, that's good. That's fine, Bill. We know now you're the resident. You've come through from the segment. I'm getting on very well with Larry. Good. I'm very, that's good. That's fine, Bill. We know now you're the resident. You've come through from the segment. Yes. I'm getting on very well with Larry. Good. I'm very glad to hear that. Very well. I just want to say to Paul now. He buys me drinks and I perform. Paul? Yes?

We're going back to Scrumbles because I've got more to say after Donut. No, we don't have much more to say. That's why I brought in Bill. No, Bill can have his moment, but I will be going back to Scrumbles after. All right, here we go. Just so you know. It's my new song. What's this song called then, Bill?

Ah, you'll learn it in the song. All right. We're all going to discover it as we go along, aren't we? Here we go. Have you been drinking? Here we go.

All right. Dum-da-dum, dum-da-dum, dum-da-dum-da-dum. Tiddly-tiddly-tiddly-tiddly-pum-pum-pum-pum-pum. Oh, Daddy came into my bedroom stinking of the gin. He said, shall I get it out? And then you can put it in.

He put it in and made it wiggle in my lovely hand. Oh, I love playing with Daddy's elastic band. Oh, Daddy's elastic band. Oh, oh, oh, Daddy's elastic band. Daddy, there's elastic band. Everybody plays with my Daddy's elastic band. Bill. You pull it out, you stretch it, and you wiggle it in your hand. Oh, I love playing with Daddy's elastic band.

Bof, bof. Get out. Get out, Bill. It's off my new collection. No, it's unacceptable, Bill. It's off my new collection. No, it's unacceptable, Bill. It's off my new collection. I know you were traumatised. My dad is Elastic Man.

Yes, go back. My dad is Elastic Man. Go back into the segment. Talk to Larry. Maybe he'll calm you down. I like that song, Dad is Elastic Man. Yeah, it's all right.

The chorus is all right. This is very disturbing content, though, Paul. I don't know why. It's just like his dad playing with El elastic band. Coming into his room. Yeah. Anyway, Scrumbles, right?

It's dog food or pet food, they say. Yeah. And do you know what their tagline is? For pick-up-able poos. Pick-up-able poos, Paul. Yes, because a lot of people have to pick up their poos now. I don't know. I think you should.

If you're a pet owner, you should put up with pure liquid. They should make food that fucking makes it pure liquid nasty. No, because then people just won't bother picking it up and then the streets will be lined with liquid dog shit. No, because if you're going to have the, you know, the responsibility of looking after an animal, you should have to deal with pure liquid fecal all up the walls all the time.

No, you shouldn't. It's how you're like, oh, I feel like I live inside my dog's bowels. Anyway, scrumbles. Last point on this. How many dirty words are within scrumbles? You've got cum. You've got scum.

You've got balls. You've got... I'm out. That is it, yeah. You've got cless. You've got flip. You haven't got flirp. You have.

How do you spell flir out of scrambles? Oh, you don't know. Prick-a-prick-a-pronty. Shut up. Right, well, that's the episode warm-up out the way. On the show today, we have two items. Oh, what have we got coming up on the show? Well, we haven't done them in a while,

so we're going to do some nice tales from the shop floors. Shop, shop, shop floor. We've got a few to race through. Thought we'd get some in. We have a big bevy of things I need to get through. And then actually... Slap down some tales from the, floor. We've got a few to race through. Thought we'd get some in. We have a big bevy of things I need to get through. And then actually... Slap down some towels from the shop floor. In part two, we have a Paul's Page Turners.

And it's a lovely book. And I'll just say it now. It's called How to Hold a Crocodile. Hundreds of practical tips, fascinating facts, and wicked wisdom. Wicked man. Wicked. So, yeah, we can look through this. Like it says on the back, how to track a deer, how to recognise gold.

Crumble, that's another word. Yeah. Mate, I said before the episode, and I'm saying it during, scrumbles is not enough for a segment. I'm not trying to do a segment. Crum. How to dance the horn. How to dance the horn?

Yeah. I know how to dance the horn. I do it every night, mate. You did it last night in the street. I did not dance the horn in the street. You danced the horn in the street. Is that in the letter? Yeah.

Dear Eli, I'm so sad when you're drunk and you dance the horn all night. I hurt my leg if it's any... Yeah, we should film that of you falling over and hurting your bottom. I hurt my leg and also I lost my headphones. Yeah. And my Ventolin. Which is why you shouldn't drink, boys and girls. Because some people can't control their

drinking, and as a result... You drink more than me. I don't. I don't drink every day. No, but when you do drink... So there's not even verging on a problem, is there? It is a problem. It's not a problem. It's a problem when you're standing in the street splashing melon fizzy water on the ground. Melon fizzy water! Shouting, drink that,

drink that, you bastard. I hate that stuff it was horrible because it's full of that horrible sweet it's like 50p for a litre isn't it it's terrible

you think you're getting a deal with those but I think ultimately you're not because it's horrible the spa time is like jibber jabber no no no

alright let's have a tell from the shop floor go back in I think him and Larry are getting on it's really nice actually him and Larry they're helping each other out really nice, actually, him and Larry. They're helping each other out.

Come back in here, Dennis. What's he called? Bill. You're not going to make an effort, mate. We're moving on. Right, welcome to the Cheap Show. Let's move on with the show. Right, we haven't done it in a while,

but it's a... Tales. Floor. Shop floor. Shop floor. Shop floor. Shop floor. the floor. The shop floor. The shop floor. Shop floor floor. Shop floor. Shop floor. It's tails from the shop floor, Paul.

What is that? As a segment of the... Oh, I'm boiling hot, you know that. Take your little granny blanket off then that you're wearing. Right, good. We're not filming it so you can bare your arms.

What happens in a tails from the shop floor? What is that? What goes on with a tails from the Shop Floor? What's the segment all about? We want you to write in with your tales and experiences of your times in or working at a shop. Times in at or working on. Yes, that's true though, Paul.

What you say is true. These are stories that the listeners send in and we read out. And it's, what do we think? Is there a lot of poo what's the poo poo count you know what I think we've gone

we've gone past poo first of all this first story have we gone past poo all the way to I've just decided to bank there's a poo one coming up oh good

right don't worry about that there's one in the Bombay and that's for you to read is someone doing evil farts because the poo's all up the chute not everyone lives your life oh fuck off

he said because you were squirting some evil farts out right before's all up the chute. Not everyone lives your life. Oh, fuck off. He said, because you were squirting some evil farts out right before we started recording. No, I wasn't. Mate. Don't. I never fart.

You were not. It's all a lie that you've, it's fraud that you're perpetrating. I have recorded you on numerous occasions in this podcast

breaking wind. It's fraud, everyone. It's not fraud. It's fraud if I'd sample. And I'll be suing you. For what? Pretending that I fart. So what?

Hang on. In a court case, Reeves Rise, the defendant, Mr Silverman, what is your case? Hello? I put it to you,

ladies and gentlemen of the jury, that this man, Paul Gannon, pretended I fart on several occasions and made up, using a sophisticated algorithm on a Moog, a modified Moog keyboard, made the sound of my wet farts up.

Right, Mr. Gannon, what do you have to say for yourself? Yes, sir, I'll be defending myself today. I just want to say that I did not in actual fact... Objection! Wait. Objection! You haven't even heard what I'm doing yet.

No, I'm still objecting. You can't. I'm the judge as well, so... Are you? Judge, objection! Objection overrulion You haven't even heard What I'm doing yet No I'm still objecting You can't I'm the judge as well Are you Judge objection Objection overruled Shut up Or I'll hold you in contempt

You contemptuous twat Hold my bollocks in contempt Right good I would as well You've got a contemptuous Look on your face Hello I'm defending myself I would like to say

That I had to go through Mental and physical sickness through sharing a room in a small location where I've been trapped. A room in a small location? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I have to stop you there. And that made me physically nauseous at times.

And I can taste it as well. I'm the other judge. There's no other judge. I'm the other judge. Emergency judge coming in. There's not an emergency judge. Stop banging the table. There's no other judge. I'm the other judge. Emergency judge coming in. There's not an emergency judge. Stop banging the table. It's my gavel.

Yeah, well, don't bang the table because all it sounds like is a big, metalical thud on the recording. Which is the sound of a gavel. It's not. The sound of a gavel is my penis. That's just as bad. Whatever it's on...

What? Don't you understand? I moved it. I moved it off, Paul. I'm throwing this case out. I'm the judge and I'm throwing this case out. I'm the judge and I'm throwing this case out. All right, Jesus wept. Okay, okay.

That's how you're going to play. Okay. Credit sequence. Well, I didn't think the court case went that well, actually. It was going all right until Eli blew it all out of his arse with his stupid second judge routine. So I don't know. I like the second judge.

Right. Then the camera points at you. What are your opinions on the grueling? I don't know. Paul, what's this first one then? I like the second judge. Then the camera points at you. What are your opinions on the gruelling? I don't know. Paul, what's this first one then? So, I wanted to share a funny story with you that involves the Cheap Show podcast. Has he said hello yet?

You've gone straight in. This is too hard for me. It says, dear Eli and Paul. Spit on the hole a bit. Dear Eli and Paul. I think you should cut that. No. Tales from the shop floor. Tales from the home floor, he's called it, actually.

So, fair play. Tales from the home floor? Yeah. So, it's a home story. Does it say Dear Eli and... It says Dear Eli and Paul. Good. He's dodging a bullet.

And I don't care. And you've got problems. I want to share a funny story with you that involves the Cheap Show podcast. It happened at my parents' house. So, it doesn't qualify as a Tales from the shop floor. However, I think you may want to hear a funny story with you that involves the Cheap Show podcast. It happened at my parents' house, so it doesn't qualify as a tell-all from the shop floor. However, I think you may want to hear it. Okay. Right. Okay. Oh, it says do not mention his name. Well, that's edited out then. Bob.

It was Bob. It was Bob. Right, so Bob says this. If I remember correctly, you know what? I would really put that at the top before the message starts. Please don't mention my name. And then I won't get halfway through it. Yeah. You know you know what i mean yeah the first thing you should say is don't mention please don't read out my name on this podcast then dear eli and paul just a little tip little tip there bob yeah bob bobby rookie error so if i remember correctly it happened december

2018 at that time i was a university student usually i would come home once or twice per month to visit my parents and my younger siblings who at the time were still living at home on this particular weekend my brother had an exchange student visiting from the us let's call him brad fair enough i'd like to call him chad chad to provide him with some can we call him no we've just called him brad okay let's call him brad to provide him with some comfort my brother let brad stay in his room while my brother himself Brad stay in his room, while my brother himself would sleep on the sofa in the basement.

That's nice of your brother. It is, isn't it? And, you know, it's very kind, very considerate. Yeah. You know, consideration is important when you're welcoming American students. You want to make them feel at home, give them some peace and quiet in their own space. I'd appreciate that advice, Brad. Anyway.

It wouldn't stop me having a little wank in the brother's bed. Is that what this is about? No, it's not. I've just done it. He finds a whole heap of dried spoff, like a big fucking wedge of it. Like a big glacier on the underside of the pillow. A great big water jug filled with Brad spoff. All right, okay.

So this detail he says about being in the basements on the sofa is an important detail, he says. Originally, I planned to arrive around 8 in the evening to join family dinner. Due to an unfortunate chain of several delayed and cancelled trains, it took me almost three hours more to get home than usual. This is, as you said, where he's going to, where he's from. No, no. We're just, no more details. It's in Britain. It's in Britain.

It's in Britain. I arrived around 11pm, walking up to the driveway to the house. At that time, I was listening to Cheap Show's Brookside Tiger episode. So just for people who don't know, it's a story where an old man reads out a very disturbing story about a dead tiger and a man with an erection.

It is part two of the Derek trilogy. Part one of the Derek trilogy. Oh, sorry. Yes, part one. Part two is the Irish thing. No, no, no. Part two of the Derek trilogy. Oh, sorry. Yes, part one. Part two is the Irish thing. No, no, no. Part two is the Bonehoover. Oh, yeah.

So part three is the Irish boy. So you've got one, Brookside Tiver, Bonehoover, and Irish Jimmy. And there is an incomplete fourth episode, which is coming up. We're going to do with Stuart. So we need to get everyone into a studio to do it. So that's why we'll wait. People have been asking when you're going to do it. It's like when we can get into a studio.

It's like Godfather part three. you had to wait several years yeah and that was also awful when it came out and had to be massively re-edited recently to be re-released so he was listening to the brookside tiger episode on my headphones as i approached the house i noticed most lights were already switched off indicating that my family and their guest was asleep okay as i approached the house and reached for my keys i noticed that the podcast with Okay. I realised that my phone had automatically connected to my brother's Bluetooth speaker. It had been connected before. My phone must have remembered it when I returned. The speaker had probably been used by Brad, who for some reason had not turned it off.

I didn't want anyone to notice I was there, so I quickly turned around and left and went for a walk in the dark for half an hour and came back when everyone was fast asleep. Brad was terrified. Until this day, no one in my family knows what happened that night. I hope you enjoyed the story. Haunted by the voice of Derek he is literally dead so it is a voice

from beyond the grave technically yeah but to be fair if you were sitting there in the dark and all of a sudden the speaker heard

and then the Brookside Tiger came to life you would just be like get out demon and it was engorged because that's

what killed it a big throbbing engorged horrible old's what killed it. A big, throbbing, engorged, horrible... Old mate of mine's knob. Oh, right up a tiger's chuffer. And I laughed at a tiger. I could smell its musk coming out of its dirty tiger fanny. You having your own podcast over there, are you, Mr Silverman?

Having fun over there, are you? Mr. Silverman? Having fun over there, are you? Sorry, mate. I'm sorry. Right. So here's letter number two. No, Paul. I'll read number two. I know.

I'm passing it over. But do you have any questions? I did want to say one other thing about that. Yeah. Has that been explored? Because there is something, there's a potential problem with sort of privacy and Bluetooth and that happening. And that's the first story I've heard where there's used the tendency of

phones to automatically connect to something else. Yeah, I mean, I've never had that problem, but I can imagine. What if you were watching porn or something? And then it starts broadcasting it. Here's the trick. You go to your parents, you're watching porn because you've got a problem with it or something. So you're going up to...

No, but if you were watching porn on your phone as you approached your parents house you could say that was a problem here's my rule though don't watch porn on your phone I tend to find it's like

a trap ready to be sprung I told you that time I was in a bar in like around Old Street and we were chatting to these sort of suits and he's like

yeah I've been testing these devices he was like all bigging it up and he had this sort of tablet phone thing right he goes yeah

I've been testing this look and he sort of hands it to us yeah it's just porn it's just all porn sites and on his app yeah he didn't care he didn't care that's when you have that's weird though it's fine to like enjoy it and whatever but it's weird to kind of have like a kind of completely sociopathic break away from it and they whereas like he doesn't see it, so that might offend someone else. That's what I mean. That's when it's sort of problematic. So that's what I'm saying.

If you were walking up the garden path to your parents, and you had some kind of hardcore porn, and then it sort of... Connected to their... Their telly. Imagine it connected to their telly. You'd be like,

oh, oh, I think I'll go. Especially if it was like homemade porn. Yeah, whatever. It could be anything, couldn't it? I mean, we're just seeing it's the beginning of the era of people getting caught wanking. You know what I mean? Yeah, but to be fair. There was that guy from the New York Times.

What's he called? Toobin. No. He's called Toobin. Who? What are you talking about? He's the editor of New York Times. He was caught wanking on a Zoom meeting.

Oh, was he? Yeah. And then got fired. But this is the thing. He thought he'd turned it off. No, but you never think that. I think it was just audio that was left on.

But they always... So it was the noise of his... Yeah, but you can... That noise. Do the noise. Mr. Toobin. But the thing is, they say, though,

don't trust technology. If you're really concerned about cameras, have a little bit of blue tack or something you put over your camera lens. Because you can lie about the sounds. Oh, I was just washing my hands and you could hear it from a distance. Well, famously, Zuckerberg has admitted that he covers the... Of course he does. He needs to, though, because he opens his head and all the little people inside come out. Come on, come on.

Suppress the voice of the liberal left. Ooh, a bit of politics. A bit of politics. Here's your letter anyway. It's there. Okay. Hopefully you can read it. Already I don't like this.

Is this person allowed to be mentioned by name? Let's just go through and edit it out if need be. Okay, so this is from Anthony Doyle. Anthony Doyle. Bad start for Anthony. Oh, God, poor Anthony. Hi, Paul. Hello.

And Eli. Yeah, good. That's how it should be. I'm still catching up on old episodes so I'm not sure if you still do Tales from the Shop Floor Stroke Dance Floor. Yes. We are and we do. We do and we're doing it now. We are. This is it. Doing it as we speak. This is it. This time I know it's the real thing.

I can't explain all this feeling. I'm lost for words. You know what we're not doing, Paul? What? Singing. Yes, because there's a specific character who sings now and you'll water down the impact I'm lost for words you know what we're not doing Paul I'm in a daze you know what we're not doing what singing yes because there's a specific character who sings now and you'll water down the impact of Bill Donut

ladies and gentlemen I hate to say it but Eli has got a point you know you've got to get Bill back if you want to do songs I'll leave it just fuck that now

okay I'm not sure if you still do it but I thought I'd send mine anyway as it seems to have the right level of bodily fluids for the show. Oh, it's got fluids in.

Here comes the poo. Here comes the poo fluids. Dribbler. The thought of it still turns my stomach to this day. Oh. Foreshadowing grossness like it. Yeah, he does like a little bit of grimble. I quite like the style of this so far.

He sort of flows. It's got a nice organic feel. Yeah. Da-da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da-da-da. You know, man. He's in. Yeah, he's good. Nice.

During, and new paragraph. It's actually quite well written, this, Anthony. Well done. During the summer, between my first and second years at university, maybe around 2003, I returned home to Rhyl in tropical North Wales.

Ha-ha-ha. And at the insistence of my parents, went to get a job. They are bastards like that, aren't they? Fair enough. That's what I had to do when I came of my parents went to get a job they are bastards like that aren't they fair enough that's what I had to do when I came home

for the summer get a job I went working blockbuster video what for did you yeah that is like

the archetypal nerd career career path now everyone you admire worked in a video store not really because it was a miserable

fucking job it is but it's sort of did you get to watch movies no you had to watch movies? No, you had to watch the same blockbuster video preview tape that was on a 90-minute loop for seven hours. Wow. And what, can you remember what was on it still? Mostly, like, I remember the, I just remember the Treader for Men in Black

mostly more than anything else. Yeah, they hyped that to shit, didn't they? Shaz-bot. Since my only real-world job experience was bar work, I got a job at a local nightclub. The pleasantly named Vanilla Lounge. Spoiler alert, it was a fucking shithole. It always is, isn't it?

Yeah. There's like two types of bars, right, that you stay away from. One is things that's called like overly pleasant things, like the Vanilla Lounge. There was a Peppermint Patty, not Peppermint Patties. I know what you mean. Was it Peppermint Sundays? What was it called? Peppermint? It doesn't matter. But I know what you mean was it peppermint sundaes what was it called peppermint

it doesn't matter but I know what you mean it's got one of those if you're in Norwich please tell me what that peppermint place was called like Spearmint Rhino do you mean like that

or do you mean peppermint hippo it was called peppermint something alright and they had like the indie club downstairs right

and then the middle bar had some old geezer with his seven inch singles going and he had it on the mic and he's like this is some terrible

80s rare group and the other type of bar is the one that's got a name that just from the title you know was a fucking shit hole like for instance

great example Ritzy anything called Ritzy or something like that the one growing up near me was called Coasters yeah it's just got that

oh shit Frankie's yeah like Ciao Bella yeah something like that you know what I mean? But anyway,

vanilla, what's this one called? Vanilla Lounge. Yeah, Vanilla Lounge. Peppermint Lounge, was it called? Something. Anyway.

Very likely. It was a fucking shithole. Anyway, as I was only a seasonal worker, I was given all the shit jobs. Yeah. Collecting glasses, clearing up spills,

stocking fridges, and worst of all, checking the toilets. We know where this is going. Straight to the fecal. Back to the fecal. One evening, the club was particularly busy, but it was a decent night. The music wasn't bad, the team were in good spirits, and there hadn't been any arsey punters.

I thought I was going to have a good night. How fucking wrong I was. Oh, there you go. On one of my rounds collecting glasses, a young lad pulled me to one side and said the toilets were flooded. Oh. So, knowing that usually means there's just beer, water and piss everywhere, I dumped the glasses behind the bar, grabbed them up and headed in.

Oh, here we go. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. I was wrong. Yeah? The floor was about two inches deep in water and it was pouring out of the urinal trough. Oh. Lovely.

Something was obviously blocking the drain, so I grabbed a pair of gloves and a bin bag and got to work. It's a shit, isn't it? Someone shoved their shit into a urinal. Yeah, that really gets me. Have you seen that? I've never seen that. I have.

I've never seen that. And it's sort of all got furred because it's all furred up because it's been sitting in there for so long, you know what I mean? But why would you shit in a urinal? Because you're like, this is going to be a proper baby's leg of a monster and I want everyone to look at it. Or you just think through the force of the will you can force it down the grill. This is going to be a proper fibre husk floater. But the thing is they have those like pads.

Corn on the cob shades. I know, get it through, get it gone. Get it through. Get through it. If I pass this It will fucking split me ring But the thing is Like these days Urinals have those little Kind of plastic sheets

That are you know Scented kind of sheets Oh you mean like a mat Yeah A sort of mat A grid A lattice A piss lattice

Yeah so if you shit on that It's going to look like The worst barbecue in the world Isn't it Anyway So That is I haven't read this letter. I know. You've read it. Briefly.

I think there's a poo in there. Good luck. What I found blocking the drain was not just the usual bog roll, but a massive amount of particularly lumpy vomit. Plot twist. I mean, that's more expected, isn't it? It is, isn't it? If you've got a hurl, a urinal is probably closer to...

Well, it's better than the floor. Yeah. But of the places you could hurl in a toilet, the best is the toilet. Yeah, but there's too many mechanics in the way for that. The second best is probably the sink. Yeah. In fact, I'd probably be more comfortable being sick in a urinal because the logistics of being in a toilet, which is the ideal place to be sick,

has all these mechanics in the way is the door open is it locked is there something behind it is there someone in there is the lid up or down it eats into your time

when you open it up is there shit and piss in there are you going to be sick on that as well you're just going to walk straight into the toilet there's your urinal

and you can go actually laterally along do you know what I mean it's got a lot more target area it's like a big metal catcher's mitt for your vomit and it's about when you drop to your knees to be sick laterally along. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? It's got a lot more target area. Yeah. It's like a big metal catcher's mitt

for your vomit. you know, when you drop to your knees to be sick, it's about the right height, you know, to put your head on the urinal. No,

don't put your head on it. Rest your shin on the urinal. That's got all the lime scale, the yellow lime scale. And the pubes. This is the worst thing ever. Right. Proper grotty one.

Lumpy vomit, I think is where we've got to. Yeah, isn't it? Whoever had emptied themselves into the urinal had had a big meal beforehand, it seems. It had clumped together

to form a sort of carrot-y porridge. Oh! Carrot-y porridge! That stank of bile and piss. Oh, God. Okay. I put on a glove

and then I put my arm into the big bag for extra protection. Yeah. And proceeded to scoop the vomit out. Oh, God. I couldn't do that. It's cold. It must be cold through the... You know what I mean?

Get on with the story. Paul, are you okay? We can stop. No, go on. Should have read this one a little bit closer. Carroty porridge. Pricky, pricky prunty. Okay. Cricky, cricky, crunty. Pricky, pricky prunty. Okay.

Cricky, cricky, crunty. Pricky, prunty porridge. As I did this, so he's scooping it out. As I did this, a lad walks in, sees what I'm doing and exclaims,

mate, that's a horrible job. That's so shit, you've got to do that. Bless. Thanks, it's fucking grim, I replied. As he grimaced and nodded in agreement.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then stepped forward, whipped out his cock and proceeded to piss into the urinal that I was trying to unblock inches away from me what fucking what a cunt that's terrible so now he's like eye height to a cock so as I stood there up to my arm in chunder and fresh piss I found myself reflecting on my life choices up to that point which is why I now work in IT and always tip my server in pubs and bars. Good. Good.

Always tip them. Yeah. So there you go. There's my disgusting story. Why would you get... Why? I'd rather piss in the sink than piss in a man's face as he's pulling out puke from a urinal.

I would have stood there. I would have said, mate, I would have said something. You know what I mean? That says so much about the character, that guy was like, oh mate, your job's shit,

isn't it? Yeah. I'm just going to actually make you feel worse about your job. So he wasn't trying to sort of sympathise, was he? No. He was trying to sort of rub his face

in how shit his job was, do you know what I mean? And then he thought, I know what's a good idea, for a laugh, and then I'm going to tell my mates what I did. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, some fucking cunt. What a cunt. You can see why that made him. I would have, I generally would have poured the bag of sick all over him. He also says,

love the podcast as well as the rest of the work you guys do. Barshens, Digitizer, Fat Sal is definitely... Oh, here we go. This is what I'm talking about, mate. This is what I'm talking about

with Fat Sal. Stealth. Stealth star of the whole MCU. Well, whose universe is this? Are we in Ashen's universe? Tangentially. Yeah, we are, aren't

we, I guess. I guess. We're part of the extended Ashen's universe. I'm sure he fucking hates that fact. And thought Eli was

great in Ashen's and the Polybius Heist. Thank you, Anthony. Oh, Antony, why don't you just get down on your knees and fucking... Scoop my vomit out

of your rhino. Have Eli piss near your face. You know, at the beginning, at the end of this, I was thinking, well done,

Anthony. That's his name, isn't it? Anthony. Yeah. Well done, Anthony. You did a shit job.

Fuck you, Anthony. Fuck off. I've also backed Paul's book. Take it back. Yeah, you can. Thank you,

Anthony. On Unbound. So please hurry up with that. Yes. Can't wait to read it. Are you going to start writing that book, Paul? I've started doing a...

I feel like that guy, our family guy, the novel. Are you going to read it are you going to start writing that book Paul? I've started doing a I feel like that guy our family guy the novel are you going to read the book? are you going to be the big head? are you going to start doing that Paul? are you going to start

writing that book right now? thanks for all the laughs I've definitely needed it this year as we have all as we have thank you very much Ant thank you Ant

wonderful stuff what a lovely letter that definitely turned my stomach in ways I couldn't that's proper mainstream. I actually, honestly, did think it was well written. It sort of flowed

along. It had some really nice visual imagery. It had a nice rhythm to it. Especially Carroty Porridge. Wonderful stuff. Carroty Porridge is a great prog band. We are Carroty Porridge. We are, and here's our new album.

What was that title we came up with last night during our walk? The Arbiters of Filth. Oh, yeah. The Arbiters of Filth. That's good, isn't it? That's more of a band name, isn't it? We are the Arbitrators of Filth, and this is our new album. Carrotty Porridge.

Yes, there you go. Carrotty Porridge is more of an album, though. It's a very experimental album, I'm imagining, with lots of kind of moog and soundscapes and moods and tones and acts within the songs. Paul, if people do have stories, now, we should say that one of those was Tales from the Home. Yeah, and one of them was...

But we like the second kind. It's more like what we're after. Well, it's not... No, we're not specifically looking for a spunk. If we start doing Tales from the Home, it's like, I found my dead dad and he'd spunk his last spunk and stuff like that

don't write that or I came home and my mum was you know getting the dog to lick her out or something what

we're not doing yeah we're not doing it that's what I'm saying or I came home and you know once it gets into the family just don't read that we don't write it

and we won't read it don't we could have an easy rule that it's tales from the shop floor it's not tales from the Domestic Hell of Life. Yeah, but that one was quite good because it was about us and our podcast and how it scared a man. Yeah, fair enough.

You know? Fair enough. So once in a while, it's not too bad. If it's worth it, write it. But basically, email us at Tales from the Shop Floor, thecheapshow at gmail.com. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Doesn't necessarily have to be about shit.

Or poo. Vomit or poo is shit. Good fact checking, Paul. Wouldn't want to make a mistake like that. Fake poos. You said poo and shit as if they were different things. You will get someone going, well, actually, shit may connotate that it's a hard and more soft. No one can say shit.

They're synonyms. Crap is as well. Yeah. No, I've got an idea. Got say shit, they're synonyms Crap is as well No, I've got an idea of what cinnamon droppings That's true Nice safe one Welcome back from the sound effect everybody

Hi, welcome back, did you have fun? I had fun in that sound effect What did you do? Touched by... Winkle, winkle, winkle, Winkle button on the left, Winkle button on the right, Who comes down?

Who comes down? All right, okay, well, fine. Winkle button on the left, Winkle button on the right, Who comes down? Who comes down? Who's singing one of my songs? Who's this? Who's singing one of my songs? Who's this?

Who's singing one of my songs? Listen, Bill. Yes? If you're going to sing in the shower, the shower is a butting. Yes? You've got to know the layout of the podcast. So the shower is the butting. Right.

And when you sing in the shower, that's right where I have my little sleepy place. Oh, is it? I don't know. And it must be coming to me in the night. I didn't know that, no. Perhaps you'd like to do the actual original version of Little Winky Hole, Who Comes Down? No, you've got to go now, Bill. You've got to go.

You've got to go. He's got to go. I wish you'd do some of his more... I just forgot what you'd sung, so I have to move on. Yeah, we both had. Yeah. Oh, we have a laugh, don't we? Now, Paul.

Now, Paul. Yes. We've got a page turner coming up now, do we? It's a Paul's page turners when we go through some of the bookshops of the world and look for interesting books that we find for a cheap old penny, old cheap. Right? Now, this one. How much does this set you back?

Well, this one was sent to us in the PO box, details of which will be at the end of the episode. It comes from Tramp Cum Squeegee. Oh, I was just thinking today. As you came about Tramp Cum Squeegee. I was thinking, Tramp Cum Squeegee? I haven't seen them about. Them?

We don't know what the Gestalt entity that Tramp Cum Squeegee is. All we know is it's a threatening presence. Gestalt entity? Right, yeah. Made up of many. know is it's a threatening presence. Gestalt entity. Right, yeah. Made up of many. You think it's more than one person? I think it's a homogenised mass of thoughts and souls. Really? It's like a Borg?

Yeah. A universal conglomerate of mind. Okay, what does it have to say? It says, Hello, chaps. Hope all is well in Cheap Show land. Thought I'd share with you... We don't actually live in a land that is Cheap Show.

It's a literal pod that floats through the end space yeah obviously okay um yeah so I thought I'd share to you I thought I'd share to you a fave book of mine smiley face uh keep up the great work thank you squeegee come tramp and the book which I presume is a favorite of his and will quickly become a favorite of ours on the podcast, I think. Really? It's called, it's a nice weighty big bugger, it's called How to Hold a Crocodile. Hundreds of practical tips, fascinating facts and wicked wisdom. Now, what would you say that sort of format says? It says to me, a recipe book.

Like, 70s recipe book. Well, this was made in 81 by... It's a hardback, but it's like an A4 size, isn't it? Yes, it's quite... It's like a school book. Yeah, it's nice to hold. You A4 size, isn't it? Yes, it's quite nice to hold. It's like a school book. Yeah, it's nice to hold. You know what I mean?

It doesn't look like a coffee table book. No. I'm trying to position it. This would have been on a library shelf in a school library with a little sticker right here of the code taped on. On the spine, yeah. Yeah, taped on with a little bit of pink paper and some sellotape. Yes.

And it has 231 or B31. It doesn't. This copy doesn't, so it wasn't ever in a library. No. So it's a big, thick book. It says, this is the ultimate in reference books. Everything you thought you didn't need to know, but which you'll soon find you cannot do without. I'm welling, I'm willing to have some...

Are you welling up as well? Well, no. You bulbous. I'm willing to experience new experiences, Paul, and, you know, open my world up to things I need to know how to do, which I don't know how to do. Yeah, all right. Do you need another intervention?

No, I do. In this amusing and entertaining book, there are hundreds of practical tips and instructions on how to do almost anything. There are fantastic facts. Will it cure a hangover? Don't give me that look. Maybe.

Spoilers. There are fascinating facts, insane information on the things that are bound to come in useful one day, whether it's giving pills to cats, doing an Arab... Giving pills to cats? That's what it says. Oh, now you got me listening.

Stepping inside of an igloo and melting... Stepping... Oh, stopping the inside of an igloo from melting. Stopping the inside of an igloo from melting. Easy. Making holes in donuts. I can do that. Seating a chamber orchestra. I've got something for that, Paul.

Yeah? Yeah. Call it my knob punch. Right, great. Addressing an earl. Now I'm working a donut factory. Addressing an earl. Punching holes with my knob.

Becoming Pope. Pop, pop, pop. Or riding an ostrich. How to Hold a Crocodile Oh, riding an ostrich. Contains more than 350 live illustrations and helpful diagrams.

When you're down under, needs must. You fucking ostrich. You say, you'll wonder how you ever managed without it. A fucking ostrich's egg. Wait, me?

What? The egg is non-sentient. Life is life. Sounds good, Paul. Sounds good. It's illustrated quite nicely as well. The whole thing has a kind of 70s-looking annual feel. Almost like there's some comic book style art in there as well.

Yeah, there's lots of drawings. Again, pictures of this will be on our website, thecheapshow.co.uk. But yeah, there's all sorts in here. I've gone through the book very briefly. And you've picked out some highlights for us to discuss

and I've highlighted a few because some are really small like for instance this first one is how to make a bed oh but is it going to be like fucking tidy up your room

all over again no it just simply says talk down to me no just because I never make my bed just because my bed's a fetid sweat hole of strangly strangulation? Strangly strangulation? You know.

You know. They know what I mean. Your bed is a tribute to mucky regret. Oh, come on. What does it say? How to make a bed. Just don't bother. There's more important things in life, like having a life.

Does it say that? It says, first the foot, then the head. That's the way to make a bed. Who gives a shit? I don't have a backboard on my bed, Mr. Ponty Bookwriter Man. Do you have a head on your bed? You do, I bet, don't you? Right.

What's your bed like? It's nice. Does it have a headboard? Yeah. Yeah, mine doesn't. It's gripping. And you fucking have on it. It's called my bash guard.

Oh, fuck off. Does it have bash guard in big letters? What I've done is I've taped foam to the whole top edge of it so I can grab it. So it's like part of a fairground ride. Yeah. It looks like a makeshift fairground. You must be this high to ride my wagon. I love it when you talk dirty.

Okay, so here's the first one then. So see what you think and then I'll tell you the answer. So how to get an audience with the Pope. So you want to see the Pope? Want to see the Pope. How do you see the Pope? What do you do? Well, I know how to wake him up in the middle of the night with his bed on fire.

How? Take a really bad shit. Mate, come on. You're going to have to put some effort in. You're not even telling me how you get... I've never done one of those shits. They're so evil. The Pope's like,

Santa Madre. From halfway around the world, the Pope knows. Because it's evil. A great evil has entered the world. Santo Dominos Unpartus. Yeah, you know what I mean? But his bed's on fire.

No, no, no, no. It's my shit. No. The Pope has never woken up in the middle of the night because you've had a particularly grisly shit. Okay. No, no, no, no. It's my shit. No. The Pope has never woken up in the middle of the night because you've had a particularly grisly shit.

Okay. No, serious now. Serious now. You want to see the Pope because, I don't know, you want to give some money to charity and you want him to be

the head of charity. Just say, oh, I've got cancer. Oh, God. Something. No, here's what it says. The master of the antechamber at the

Vatican arranges all audiences with the Pope. You should apply to him, stating your reason for wishing to see his holiness. Sorry, it went on to the next sentence. That was a genuine mistake, everyone. Paul did not try and make a hole joke, but it came out.

It came out of the hole. If you are successful in your application you will receive a letter telling you the time and the place of the audience will you fuck round the bins

round the passage Pope will see you he'll be wearing a bowler hat with a rose in some pancreas station behind the lockers ex nos dominus

socos socos dominus we don't know Latin at all socos nobis obis right if you are Roman Catholic you may be well advised we don't know latin at all right if you are roman catholic you may be well advised

to ask your bishop to write to the rector oh yeah that's rude we live in a world Paul here on the pod where bishop just sounds wrong doesn't it and rector

I'm the rector. Right. I'm the rector rector. You've wrecked my rector. Paul, still with me? Here's the next one. How to pickle walnuts. No, no.

Go on, how do you pickle a walnut? I'll tell you pickle lore. Yeah. I'll give you pickle lore. Someone. I'll give you pickle lore. Someone came up to me the other day. He said, how do I pickle this? I said, why are you asking me? Why do you have to ask me?

Do I pickle? You don't know, do you? You just don't know. Yeah, you get some fucking vinegar. Water it down. Yeah. Put some spices. What do you want?

Some spicy stuff in there. What kind of spice would you put in? You could it down. Yeah. Put some spices. What do you want? Some spicy stuff in there. What kind of spice would you put in? You could put garlic. Yeah. You could put celeriac. A bit of chilli. I wouldn't put celeriac. No, don't pickle well that.

All right. Don't pickle well that. Yeah, put some chilli in there. Put a little bit of chilli. Yeah, maybe some cinnamon bark. All right. I like a bit of fish sauce in there. Give it a bit of fishy.

And then you mix that up. Yeah. And then you take the skin off the fishy. And then you mix that up. Yeah. And then you take the skin off the walnuts. There's shells off them. Yeah. And then you put them in there. In a jar. Put them in that solution.

Right. For how long? I think you have to do about two weeks minimum. Two weeks. Right. How to pickle a walnut. Use fresh green walnuts. Shell them and prick the walnuts.

I didn't know that. I didn't know that. I did fresh green ones. Shell them and prick the walnut. I didn't know that. I did fresh green once. Shell them and prick the walnut with a steel fork. Oh, yeah. I'd prick them with something else. Good. Get past that.

Soak in the strong... My knob, Paul. I'll sharpen my knob. Soak in strong brine... A very sharp knob. ...for seven days. Seven days, huh? Steering...

Salt water for... Yeah, steering two or three times daily. Salt water? Yeah. Repeat for a second week in fresh brand. No vinegar? Let me fucking finish. Sorry.

Facts will come. Okay. So you start with just salt water? Drain and spread the walnuts in the sun to dry. When they turn black, pack in convenient jars, cover them with spiced vinegar, and deliciously they are served with cheese. So I only knew the end bit. I didn't know the brining and drying out no it must be to soften it so that's a big information can take yes yeah so get these just throw it in

it wouldn't really take I think with something like a cucumber Paul you don't need that softening with Brian period because they're quite yeah they've got thin what's it membrane what's the what's the opposite of impervious pervious and povious pervious impervious pervious pervious they're very pervious cucumbers

he's like that rude Roman soldier pervious pervious cucumber oh I tell ya I saw him with his toga off oh I saw his

big buckle oh I'm pervious oh tell me pervious yes do you wear one do you wear one of those oh I do those little skirts like out of Asterix? Oh, yeah.

It only comes up to me ball bag. Oh, you're doing this voice again. I fell into it. I'm pervious. Right. Per-per-per-pervious. Right, next. That's good information, though.

Let's be serious for a second. It's a weird mix, though, of things that are, like, literally, like I That's good information, that. Let's be serious for a second. It's a weird mix, though, of things that are... Literally, like I said to you before, there's how to brine fish, and then there's how to spot a vampire. I had a book, but it's sort of crossing over a bit with those books that were full of little magic tricks. You know, the ones with magic tricks.

I had a book like that, How to Do Anything at All. It was similar to this, but it was a red cover, and I had a book like that How to Do Anything At All similar to this but it was a red cover and it had like How to Make a Beef Wellington. Yes. And it had like but it had all those

little sort of matchbox magic tricks and things like that. Oh, so How to Do Magic Tricks How to Make a Beef Wellington. It was like I think the original one was like

How to Make 100 Bucks Off Your Friends or something. Oh, okay. And then it's all things the little bets you can make with your friends and stuff. It's that kind And then it's all things. Yeah, like little cons and scams. Little bets you can make with your friends and stuff. It's that kind of thing

but it seems to be more on the actual factual encyclopedic sort of side. It's a mix of facts and like fantasy. Are there any of those jokey ones or magic tricks in there?

Well, no, like the vampire one I think is jokey because as we all know there are no such things as vampires. What was the vampire one? It was like how to spot a vampire.

Are you going to read that? No, because all it says is if he hasn't got a reflection he's a vampire. Kill It was like, how to spot a vampire. And it's like... Are you going to read that? No, because all it says is, if he hasn't got a reflection, he's a vampire. Kill him! Yeah, pretty much. Next one. Does it tell you how to sharpen your spike? No. How to make cottage cheese.

Do you know how to make cottage cheese, Eli? You get some curds. Right. No, you get milk. Right. Milk. And then you put it in some cloth or something. I know how to make cottage cheese.

Oh, no, Uncle Grumbly. How did he get in here? You just scrape off my gooch every three weeks and you get a pint of old Grumbly's cottage cheese. And is there any special... Smells of musky fish. Oh, Uncle Brumbly. It's nice on crackers.

Please, there's Bill Donuts in the other room. Yeah. Oh, I'll go see him. I've got a few of his albums I'll ask for an autograph. Larry Inchman will be there. He likes to watch, though.

Inch, Inch, Inch, Inch. Imagine characters. Right, so, inch, inch. Imagine characters. Right, so it says, put some freshly made yoghurt into a squirt. Oh, yoghurt. Of course, it's yoghurt, isn't it? A clean squirt of muslin laid across a strainer. Muslin, that's the trough I mentioned.

Fold the corners over the muslin and the yoghurt and leave it to drain overnight in a cool place. Next day, put the drained curds into a bowl, beat in some fresh cream, salt, and any flavouring you like. Oh, you beat it in? I guess. Is that what cottage cheese has? Cream amongst the lumps? I mean, you're thinking about what the processed stuff we get in the supermarket is.

But I mean, the most basic version is that. But that means someone decided one day to eat wet, cold cheese. They found them. I know. You know what I mean? It's not bad, this. What's your view of cottage cheese? I went through a whole period of being deeply into it

Yeah, so was I No one eats it these days That was in my 20s And then after that I'm like Do they still? Yeah, they still make it It's still a thing It's not as big as

It used to be like a big diet thing, didn't it? 80s, yeah As an alternative Rye Vita and cottage cheese Yeah, what was it? What was it? Cottage cheese was lower fat than normal cheese Basically, isn't it?

And it's less salt than normal cheese I don't know But yeah, it's salt as a kind of alternative to cream cheese well it's made from yoghurt which is less fat I think there is less sort of milk fat in yoghurt

naturally here we go Eli after yesterday's naughtiness how to cure a hangover oh god please I've been waiting for this information

my whole life now this is from 1981 and it's weird because as I say it's got children's drawings in it you think it's aimed at a kind of

10 year old 12 year old thing you'd say it was a kids book but now it's got children's drawings in it. You'd think it's aimed at a kind of 10-year-old, 12-year-old thing. You'd say it was a kid's book, but now it's got this. How to cure a hangover. How to cover up the accidental death of a prostitute. Or how to cure angry daddy's hangover. You know what I mean? It's like, don't wake him. Tiptoe through the living room.

It looks like, the illustration looks like Laurel Hardy. Is that right? It's a little... Not Laurel Hardy. Is that what his name? No. What was he called? The fat one?

Chaplain. You know, you're thinking of Charlie Chaplin because of the hat. Although I guess it's a Laurel Hardy kind of Laurel Hardy thing. And he's got a little puppy

in a pint glass. Oh, I didn't notice the puppy. I thought that was just a bit of foam. It is the hair of the dog, yeah. Right. And it's simplest. A hangover is a reaction

to dehydration. That headache needs your brain's environment has been dried out by alcohol. The alcohol that the night before was popping brain cells and giving you

that light-headed feeling. But when you put it like that, it's terrible at drinking, isn't it? Well, I think that's not true. It's not the... I mean, that's a very basic... It does kill brain cells,

alcohol. Definitely. Fucking shit. But also, if you get a serious problem with it... Fuck your mouth! You get that thing

where your brain starts to literally pickle. You know, you get those drunks. Yeah, Fuck your mouth! you get that thing where your brain starts to literally pickle. You know, you get those drunks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Their brain deteriorates real quick. You get really quick onset dementia. Anyway. But the high, that isn't brain cells popping.

It's not like the high of being drunk is not the sensation of your brain dying. No, no, I know that. Do you see what I mean? But they're kind of being blasé. They're not being factually accurate. No, not particularly. No. So to counteract it,

Drink water. Well, it says take in liquid, water and fruit juice. I do, mate. Fruit juice may upset your stomach. It does. One school of thought recommends milk, which is the virtue of also coating and calming the stomach lining that is temporarily inflamed by alcohol.

Coffee gives your brain the extra kick of caffeine. Tea will do the same. Analgesics will relieve the pain. But the water you drink with it does more good for your eventual recovery by replacing badly needed fluid. In other words, there is no cure for a hangover. This is the same shit anyone says every single time. Didn't you say to me oh it's sometimes

quite good to take diarrhoea medicine? Yes. Because that gives you the nutrients. Dioralyte. Yeah. Yeah because it

does the whole sort of replaces your essential salts and everything. But you take it before bed so you ideally don't wake up with the hangover right?

Yeah. I don't I always don't take enough precautions because the time I should be taking the precautions to prevent a hangover is when I'm most drunk.

Yeah, no, we recognise that. And most do not get the shit. I go through a spitty phase. I went through a spitty phase. Which, if you don't know, Lesnett, was when Eli, rather than... Well, he talks about being sick a lot and vomiting, but it comes out as...

And he just spits everywhere. In the street? Yeah, it's disgusting, though. It's still disgusting. I can't believe how much shaming you're... The friends, Eli's friends, we've all heard the phrase, I'm going to vom.

Repeated ad nauseum for the final hour of the evening. I didn't vom. I spared you that yesterday, didn't I? In fact, I put on a very amusing show of my post-hurdling prowess. What was that? When I hopped over those posts for your general amusement. Yeah, it was quite amusing.

Right, so Hair of the Dog, having a quick shot of whatever it was you were on the night before, works temporarily because the liquid content of even the strongest drinks, as well as the euphoria initially induced by the alcohol, but you are increasing the dehydration when the alcohol gets into your system so it's a bad idea and no cure for a hangover. Well it does cure the hangover If you've been drinking heavily take a large glass of water before

you go to bed to reduce the strength of your hangover when you wake up in the morning. Now that's something that friends of mine do Paul and I can never do it. I've seen my friend. Down a bottle. No he gets two pints of water before he goes to bed. You know?

He gets two whole pints. It's difficult to drink that. You just force yourself to do it. But I would be pissing like a drain for hours. And now I'm not going to sleep. So, you know what I mean? What I also discovered yesterday is that we all have very weak bladders now.

We do in our 40s, don't we? Because we peed so often yesterday. Hey, London, put more toilets around. Yeah, because Eli likes hanging around toilets in parks. Yeah, that's because I go out in a desperate need to fulfil. Wearing a trench coat and a hat, calling himself the occupier. That's what he does. Oh, it's the occupier.

Oh, has he come round? Hello, everybody. I'm just checking the toilets. Now you're, everybody. I'm just checking the toilet. Now you're trying to... I'm just checking the toilet. You don't know what you're doing. You're trying to characterise me as some kind of arch cottager. It's not funny.

There's a character. It's not funny. Oh, come on. Fuck off. I'm just watching. You don't have to stop. Read some out Alright Next one

How to remove a tight ring Just Oh no What does it say You use fairy liquid Wet the thing in cold water Rub it with soap Working it under the ring. There you go.

And then push the ring over the joint, twisting it at the same time. Oh, wee. Oh, why? How to make a tripod. Basically, just get your knob out. And lean forward. I'm very close to the ground. Yeah.

So, you know. Not a very good tripod right what's next ooh how to ease toothpake how to ease

toothache I don't know what happened to my mouth then that was classic man how to ease toothpake right

how to ease toothache by acupuncture or acupressure. Oh, I know. Right there. Does it have there in between your thumb and your finger? The big fleshy bit in between. There are three parts it's telling you here. One of them is that. Acupressure is a treatment of ailments by the pressure of the fingertips or fingernails

at specific parts of the body. Pressure should be firm and a slightly rotary or boring movement applied at the same time. Boring movement? Yes. He's going... Charge Express boring

over a podcast, isn't it? You know what I mean? It's a visual kind of... Yeah. ...thing. Maybe don't smoke when we're recording then.

See, here it comes. It's coming for you. I'm fine now. Oh, that's called the Eli Express. Oh, you mean the ambulance? I don't. You keep characterising me as someone who gets ambulised. Right.

So, a treatment of from half a minute to four minutes is usually sufficient to bring results. What am I rubbing? Toothache can be treated by pressing on a point known as the chang lang at the root of the nail of the first index finger which is which one uh that one so it's so there yeah at the root of the nail so you put pressure on that part of your fingernail apparently close to the thumb side corner or at the crown allowing points between the outer ankle and Achilles tendon. Oh, I'm rubbing that now.

The pressure being applied down onto the heel bone. So yeah, right behind that nublet on your ankle, you press that and that apparently helps the toothache.

There you go. Also, it says, if you grab the balls hard and pulled strong, that will take your mind off toothache for a while. Hey, have a wank, have a wank,

have a fucking wank. No, it's not having a wank, it's having your balls violently tugged. I'll have a wank at have a wank, have a fucking wank. No, it's not having a wank, it's having your balls violently tugged. I have a wank at the same time. Well, so if I was tugging your balls, do you think you could

reach completion? Yes. Like I was yanking like I was doing tug of war with a rugby team. That's the only way I can get off these guys. Well, that's good to know.

We've all learnt a lot today. Have a wank, have a wank, have a fucking wank. Do you want to know how to become King or Queen of England? How do you think you can become king or queen of England?

I'd have to... Kill everyone involved with the royal family. I'd have to get married to one of them first. Probably. So Prince Harry's a bit of an alternative type, isn't he? He is, yeah. I'd get him to marry me. Right.

And then I'd start a whole sort of cult. So he worships me like a god, basically. Right, so he's completely subservient to your needs and wants and desires. And then I whisper, whisper like a Rasputin to him. I go, Harry, Harry, I know you love me,

but to prove it, kill all the other members of the royal family. When they've done that and he's king... Is this the plot to King Ralph? I don't know.

When he's king, then I kill him. All right, well, here's how you do it. Well, is that how you do it? You have to marry one, basically, and then the others die. The British crown is hereditary,

so first you must be born into the right family. The right family. It's a fucking horrible sentence. You certainly don't have to be a prince or princess. There must be many people who carry royal blood, although they may have difficulty in tracing their family tree and proving it. So you have to be posh.

That's why they keep it within, so the bloodline don't stray too far from the root. Why are you looking at me like that? I don't know. The British succession descends linearly linearly linearly linearly

linearly Oh my name is Lillian Lee, I've got a gash for all to see Some for you and some for me is Lillian Lee. I've got a gash for all to see. Some for you and some for me. Lillian Lee my gash on thee. That's a great folk song.

More people should really know that one. What is that giant nut? It's not. It's a lemon. Oh no it is. How to magnetise a walnut. Fuck me. That's more interesting than Royal Family isn't it? Yeah fuck them. What does it say? Just summarise it. You'd have to show that you're a Christian or a Protestant as well.

How can you show that? Swap it out and go, look, not cut. The uncut crown. The uncut crown. Now put me down, I'm going to be king. How to magnetise a walnut.

Everyone knows the connection between magnetism and electricity, don't they? Can I do a shit joke? Yes, please. So do, how do you magnetise a walnut?

Well, first you buy it a drink and then you regale it with tales of when you were in the army. Right. Take a walnut, hold it between your thumb and middle finger with the index finger on top it and rub it against a piece of wool or sink

or against your sleeve. Oh, sleeve. Tell your spectators that you are charging it with an electric current. Now hold your hand before you and release the nut from your thumb and middle finger. I don't know why I found that funny. Miraculously, it still hangs from the tip

of your finger. Can your friends repeat the trick themselves? Not if they think it has anything to do with electricity or magnetism. While you rub the nut, you must squeeze hard with the thumb and middle finger along the seam of the nut until it pops the top. Oh, and it pops the top and it clamps onto your nail. And then push down on the index finger and a tiny piece of the skin will be trapped in the nut.

Oh, I've had that problem. It's not fucking fun. And the nut will cling to your finger when the pressure from the other fingers is released. You can help the nut to open by splitting the seam beforehand with a big blade. You fucking can. But you'll end up in A&E. Oh, fucking hell. I knew the nut was going to be value. Oh, I can't believe I didn't see that one before.

That's good, isn't it? Why would they think it's fucking magnetised anyway? Look at him. He's magnets with knots on his finger. Meanwhile, you're sitting there with a pinching knot in your hand

going, oh, yeah, a lot of magic. That's a terrible one. It's a good photo, though. Would you like to know how to pipe a man aboard? Oh, dear. Is that what it says? Yeah.

It's a Navy thing, isn't it? No shit, it's a Navy thing. Right, tell us. I wasn't going to read out to make yoghurt, but I think we all know. You just have to pipe them on the board. Come on. Come on, get together.

In the British Navy, the arrival on board a Royal Naval vessel of a captain or other senior officer is greeted ceremoniously by a long whistle on the calls or pipes of the ship's boatman's mate. A similar ceremony marks such an officer's departure. Customs in other navies may vary. Okay, thank you. We got through that.

That's how you pipe a man aboard. That's how you pipe a man aboard. Do you want to know how to take the temperature of a dog or a cat? No. No. No. No. No. No.

I'm gonna. Oh, you have to stick it up its arse, don't you? Do not use a normal clinical thermometer intended for humans which could snap or cause serious harm. Oh, I snapped a thermometer off of the dog's arse. I snapped a thermometer off of the dog. It's got mercury poured out of its arsehole. It's making funny noises. Oh, God.

He's got very egotistical. It's mercury madness. Right, so find one that's suitable for animals. Prepare the thermometer by taking... What? By taking a human temperature. Get someone whom the animal trusts to hold it firmly and confidently. Oh, no. Smear lubricant jelly on the thermometer by taking a human temperature. Get someone whom the animal trusts to hold it

firmly and confidently. Oh no. Smear lubricant jelly on the thermometer. Are you joking? You're joking now. No, it's what I'm saying. It's not telling you

to fuck a dog in the ass with a thermometer. Smear the thermometer with a lubricant jelly. Insert the ball bend into, very gently,

into the cat's, into the animal's rectum. What? Rotate it gently. Do not push. It doesn't say that. I have to see this. Leave for two minutes.

Let me see. Mate. I'm looking at this, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah? Oh. Smear the thermometer with a lubricant gel. Thank you. It says that.

I recommend KY, not Swarviga. Insert the bowl bend. I often do. Oh, mate. Oh, I believe you now. That's good, man. That's good. That's value.

That's paid for itself now. It has, hasn't it? So, yeah, leave it for two minutes. Remove it and read the temperature. The average temperature for a cat is 101 degrees Fahrenheit or 38.6 degrees centigrade. For a puppy dog, or for a dog, sorry, it's 101, 38 degrees or 101 Fahrenheit, 38 degrees. A puppy's health may be higher. The puppy's higher temperature, yeah.

That's why you've got to get them when they're young. Get a nice hot, hot throb on. How to build a log cabin. Not a euphemism. What's that octopus? How to keep an octopus. That's all it says. I'd be interested in this.

Small octopus can be kept in a marine aquarium if the conditions are carefully regulated. It prefers alkaline water kept at a temperature of no more than 71 degrees. It likes rocks and finding its own hiding places. Its food consists of mollusks and crustaceans. But it will accept fresh meat. It will accept fresh meat as well. But also

it will start, like, you know, setting up its own business. When you turn the lights off it will come out and get on your computer. You know what I mean? Download porn. I'll fucking set him up. Oscomopone. No, honestly. Sorry. Octoporn Cocktopussy

I said oscomopone I know None of it makes sense Right How to recognise comedians And tragedians Traged Tragedarians

Tragedarians Tragedarians Tragedians Tragedians Tragedians Tragedians Fuck me Tragedarians. Tragerians. Tragerians. Tragedians. Tragedians. Tragedians. Tragedians. Fuck me. Tragedy people.

If you went to a Greek or Roman theatre in classical times, you only had to look at an actor's feet. Ah. See, fact. If he was wearing light, soft shoes called soki, yes, the word does have a very familiar sound, as in soccer, which is foot. Oh, I did not know that. If he was wearing light, soft shoes. Socks and socks. Yeah, he was a comedian in a comedy.

If he was wearing high boots with thick soles, called Cothorny, he was appearing in a tragedy. The Cothornus later became known as the Buskin, which in the English word busker is derived for a travelling or street entertainer. Ah, that's good info there. I like that. Right, and finally, how to milk a goat. No. How to be a lady's maid. Oh no, here's the one.

How to play Nicky Knackers. No. I've never heard of Nicky Knackers. Nicky Knackers, I'm going to guess, is it some kind of dice game with pebbles or something? Oh, it's a good guess, that is. But that's not how you play Nicky Knackers. Nicky Knackers, I'm going to guess. Is it some kind of dice game with pebbles or something? Oh, it's a good guess, that is. But that's not how you play Nicky Knackers.

Okay, tell me, Paul. You just think up to a person in the street and go, do you know how to play Nicky Knackers? And they go, yeah. Yeah, you come round here. Come round here. You come round here. Come down here.

And they'll fucking pipe you aboard. I'll fucking pipe your hen. The Nicky Knackers were two pieces of rib bone of an animal used as a percussion instrument in the 19th century by minstrel bands. Now, those aren't the minstrels that we know now and the black and white minstrels. These are the kind of more like jesters, I think.

Those kind of minstrels. Folky, dancey things. Okay. Yeah. I'm a storyteller and my stories must be told. Remember that? That's what we used to do in school.

We used to sing that when someone was told a big porky. Yeah, I was on top of the pops last night. You don't see me in the audience. And then I'd be like,

I am the storyteller and my story must be told. Or the other famous one as you go, chinny. Jimmy, chin, chinny. Oh, chin, chin.

Jimmy record. Oh. But you have to make it like, I've got a massive chin. Jimmy, Jimmy. Chin, chin, chin. Weird. They do that, Jimmy. Jimmy record. But you have to make it like, I've got a massive chin. Jimmy, Jimmy. Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy. Weird. They do that, Jimmy.

And if you said Jimmy, it meant you're lying. Jimmy Hill, yeah. Because the football man, Jimmy Hill. Rest one lightly on the fingertips of one hand. What do I rest?

One bone. The bone. You rest your bone on your fingertips. This is what the urchin, our little character, the urchin. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The urchin orphan should... Rest one lightly on a fingertip, and then with the palm cupped to act as a resonator, strike the bone with your hand held between the thumb and the first two fingers of the other hand. Like that? Yeah, basically. Oh, we're chickens.

And that's it. That's a fascinating book. I mean, there's loads more than this. There's 350 others. There's literally maybe five or six on every page. Is that right? Oh, no, there's loads more than this. There's 350 others. There's literally maybe five or six on every page. Is that right? Or no, there's loads.

It varies. Because on a few pages there's a board game that says how to play anything. Mostly games I've never heard of before. Like how to play

Nine Men's Morris. Oh, Nine Men's Morris. I've heard of that. You just get on your knees and then fucking take him in the line. God. Nine Men's Moritz.

Yeah, but they're all those games where they're like, you know, they're so simple that they'd just be too boring now. Yeah. Like Atari games, the original Atari games. But it does say

these games can be updated and adapted, have fun with them in your own imagination. Well, like Shitted. Yes. How to play Ringo. Tell him his songs are good and give him one every album.

That's good. Fairly good. Thanks, Phil that I like it very good how to play Fox and Geese I think that's just like solitaire

isn't it you have to get to the other side of the board and it's a cross shaped board I like that book I like this book

that's the kind of thing that if I had as a child I'd be sort of oh it'd be well thumbed I'd be intimately involved with I mean what do you mean i mean i'd know it intimately yeah i'd know you go i

remember that fact it's like that ghost book what's the osborne ghost book yes it's very similar to those that for me i'm because i'm in the right generation whatever it's just something that i'm i just know every page i used to pour over it you know what i mean the images and that are indelibly melded into my mind. The very specific drawings and everything like that. But this, how much did this cost at the time, do you think? I'd say it was probably, what, in their money? When did it come?

1980. 1981, this was. I'd say it was maybe probably about three pounds. I don't know. It doesn't say anywhere on the book. These days, a book like that would cost you 20. Oh, easily. Easily 20 quid these days.

But this was a lovely, lovely find. I love things like that. Thank you very, very much for sending that in. I love that whole world. It's like the same sort of world as the adverts on the back of old American comics. Oh, Pachisi. The game he goes in Ghostbusters, Pachisi. And I was like, I don't know how you play Pachisi.

I'm pretty quite interested in that, actually. Yeah. I like that. It's like a pure strategy game. Pachisi. This version of Pachisi this version of Pachisi comes from the Indian subcontinent

it's for two players objective in this game each player tries to be the first to get all four pieces around the board from start

to finish it looks a bit like sorry or frustration well backgammon is a race game you race around the board

it's like ladders they're the same it's about moving pieces so there you go what a lovely find a race game. You race around the board. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like snake ladders and all of those, they're the same, essentially. Moving pieces and... Yeah. So there you go. What a lovely find.

Thank you so much for sending that in. Tramp comes squeegee. I bet he knows all about that. I hope we found some gems there for you, Tramp. We might even dip back into it in the future

for other interesting factoids. I'm up for a dip. But I think we did just blow our load. I'm up for a dip. Yeah. I'm up for a fucking plonch. You're going to plonch your splod. Yeah. Right. Right. Well, let's say goodbye to this segment.. I'm up for a fucking plunge. You're going to plunge your splod.

Yeah. Right. Well, let's say goodbye to this segment. Bye-bye, segment. Bye, segment. Bye. Bye. And that's Cheap Show for another week.

We hope you liked it. Come back next week. You can't sing. You're not allowed to when Bill's around. Because you've got to... Paul, I don't mind saying this here. No, Bill. No, Bill. Would you like me to come sing? I'll come sing if you want. Bill, we said I sent you in the bathroom the other day.

I'll come sing. No. Splishy splashy wash my taint. Mummy says the toothbrush. Splishy splashy wash my taint. Daddy get the brush. Oh, he go scrub. Mummy go scrub. He can't get the sin out. I'm going back to bed with no dinner.

I'm going back to dinner. No, no. You go back to bed with no dinner. I improvised that one. I know you did, Bill. I know you did. So, if you've enjoyed this, perhaps you'd like to support us on...

Patreon. Where do they... If they want to support for as little as $1 a month, Paul? Yes, they can go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show. And if you join now, there is a massive back catalogue of podcasts and videos and magazines and all sorts to get your hands on. There's a whole sort of alternative world of extra cheap show available to you. Yeah, there's hours of extra cheap show.

And video and stuff. And different tiers. There's there's hours of extra cheap show and video and stuff. There's some videos for people at certain tiers and podcasts and behind the scenes bits. And there's a lot of tiers. Many tiers before bedtime. So by all means, go for that. Rectal tears. No, no, no.

No! I'm sorry, I've been shit again this week. I've got nothing. It's because you're hungover. I've got nothing creatively. I'm running on fumes. I have been for years. I have to face it. That's all for Cheap Show ever, then.

That's it. The show's done. That was the last episode. No. No. If you want to send us anything to review or play with on the show, go to our P.O. Box. It's P.O.

Box 1309 Harrow. H. 9 q j and uh send us things you might like us to eat or play with we're also on twitter at the cheap show pod i'm at paul gannon's show and eli is eli snoid which is spelled e-l-i-s-n-o-i-d you can email us the cheap show at gmail.com and pictures and maybe video clips that support episodes will be on our website thecheapshow.co.uk There's a merch page there. There's a link to our official logo merch page. There's also a link

to Tony's original art Redbubble page. There's a link to Events magazine, Cheap Show magazine Tony did a version, a Polybius Heist poster. Yes, and it was beautiful. I'm in that, everyone. I'm in Polybius Heist. Yes, we know. And you can also see the Polybius Heist, which is on most

streamable download video format networks. And you've got a book. Yeah. Unbound.com. Forward slash books, forward slash ghost if you want to help raise money so I can make a book about my life as a ghost hunter and Ghostbusters fan and all my strange and unusual opinions.

Can I start writing that? I was going to say to you before, I've actually bullet pointed the book. Oh, he's bullet pointed it, everyone. The general flow of it. And also, you're taking a lot of material

from your live show from 2013. Yeah, so you've got a structure you're kind of working on. Yeah, which is working around that, but with tons of more stuff

I couldn't obviously put in. Detail. I couldn't put in the whole story about me working, well, working, but me using Sigourney Weaver's song for the documentary and all that stuff. So I couldn't put that in the live show, so that will all be in the book. That's it for Cheap Show this week, then. You've been lovely as ever. Thank you. Thanks for supporting us, if you indeed do.

And if all you can do is spread the word and get other people listening, that is also just as good as helping us on Patreon. In fact, sometimes it's better, because the more we grow, the more we don't. Oh, you almost had it there. You almost did. What I was going to say, though, yeah, and review us on podcast apps. iTunes, obviously, but if you've got, I think, Podcast Addict,

you can review us on there as well. So review us, because that helps get us in front of other new potential listeners. Also, I'll sing us out, shall I? I'll sing us out in the show other new potential listeners. Also, also... Oh, sing us out, shall I? Sing us out, sing out, here we go. Eli, he's a boozer. Eli, and he's a loser. He can't get it up when he's had a couple of drinks. That's what his mummy said to me.

That's not true. That's what mummy said to me. Well, you, go back to bed. Larry said you true. It's what Mummy said to me. Bill! What? You. Go back to bed. Larry said you can't get it up when you drink. Larry doesn't know me. Larry said he knows you everywhere. Get Larry out here. Larry, I've

done a blunder. You have to come out. What? What is it? I've said something out of turn, apparently. Did someone want some inches? Because I'm very busy. I'm building an extension. I wrote a song about Eli's willy and I told them what you said to me that he couldn't get.

I didn't say anything. You said... You said... If you want me to tell the truth, you're going to have to ask for inches. I've got a very strict policy about this. All right, well, if you... Do you want an inch?

I want five. How many? Five inches. Five inches. Yes, give me five inches. Can you just sign this waiver? Yes. There we go.

Right, you've just signed for six inches, you fool. Oh, no. Inch, inch, inch. Inch, inch. And the one I got for free. Inch. Now, Eli, yeah, I didn't say anything about Eli. You did.

You bloody did. Inch. You bloody did. I swear to God, Mr Silverman. I swear he did say that. I'm very displeased with you. Oh, Bill. I've been drinking.

Paul, get the symbolic mop and bucket, please. I've been drinking. He's not a healthy character, this one, is he? Come on, let's go. Let's go. Bye, everyone. Bye, everybody.