CheapShow - Ep 208: The Milky Element

Episode Date: December 11, 2020

Paul's got the horn! Again. At least this week it's literal! Recorded at our secret 3rd location, CheapShow dives into two big old chunky segments. In "Off Brand/Brand Off" Eli's reputation is on the line as he takes on a Kinder chocolate challenge. Will he taste the difference between a range of Kinder bars and their cheaper Aldi alternative? Paul presents another Gannon's Golden Games this week that features a board game a little bit more modern than most. Can Detective Silverman solve a murder? He'll need to scan the crime scene for evidence, talk to experts, interrogate suspects... and try not to get his penis sucked by Paul's vulgar cast of characters. That's CheapShow this week, then! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-208-the-milky-element If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Also, you can NOW see Eli star in "Ashens & The Polybius Heist", download it from here: https://www.watchpolybiusheist.com MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Paul is writing a book! Want to help make it happen? https://unbound.com/books/ghosts/

Testing one, two, three. Oh, that's better. Hello. Welcome to Cheap Show. Go on. Hello. I'm also on this show. Yeah, that sounds fine. I'm on this show, Paul. Yeah. That's it. We're good. Sometimes you forget that I'm here. Let's just do five seconds of silence, please. One, two, three, four, five.

Hello. Welcome to Cheap Show. Recording live from our secret location, our second base of operations. Oh, or no, third. I feel weird. Why? Because it's weird doing it here. Yeah, we can't tell you where. I'm looking directly at you, which is weird.

I'm looking you in the dead eyes. Looking you deep in the eyes. Okay. Yeah. Paul, before we... I love this. I can have some meaningful conversation with you. in the eyes. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Paul, before we... I love this. I can have some meaningful conversation with you. Paul, before we start.

Yeah. Stop looking at me. I can't. We're facing each other. I'm going to just do this, okay? And look over there. I'll also look to an angle. Paul.

Yeah. Who said that? Me. Just want to say, I won't be saying Pricka Pricka Pronte today. Okay? I'm sorry that I said Pricka Pricka Pronte last week and that some people have picked up on the Pricka Pricka Pronte trail. Stop saying it.

This is like saying don't think of a black cat and then everyone starts thinking of a black cat. Mate, I've got the words Pricka Pricka Pronte. It's huge. Like, you know, Life of Brian style lettering in my head. Anyway, I won't be saying it. Good, because we also need to stress that it's not Bricka Bricka Bronte. No.

It is Perica Bricka Bronte. Bronte. Either way, no one's fucking saying it again. It is dying on the vine this week. Well, Paul. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast. I'm Paul Gannon. And I'm Eli Silverman, and we've got something for your ears.

I don't know, the way you looked at me there when you said that made it sound like I was about to get knobbage in my ear. You're always about to get knobbage in your ear when you listen to me, mate. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you're... Pure knobbage in the ear. Welcome to Cheap Show. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles.

It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap Cheap Show It's the price of shite Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheap Show And I go and I nuzzle

So, Paul Yes, Mr. Silverman What have we got coming up on this week's edition of Cheap Show? On this week's edition of Cheap Show we'll be having a bit of an off-brand, brand-off, off-brand, brand-off, piddle-oddle-diddle-oddle-off, band-off We'll be doing that Stop making me laugh Ohbrand Brandoff, off-brand Brandoff, piddle-oddle-diddle-oddle, off-brandoff. We'll be doing that. Stop making me laugh. Oh, I'm sorry. I won't do that then.

Okay. I'll do my best. Off-brand Brandoff. Off-brand Brandoff, piddle-iddle-oddle, off-brandoff. If you do that now, when we do the actual segment jingle,

it won't have the impact. Right, okay. Fair enough. I'll not blow my load now. Don't blow your brand off. Is that one of my songs? Don't blow your load, Mr. Silverman. How is he down here in our third location?

No, he's gone. He's gone. When we do Off Brand Brand Off, we're obviously going to get a call from the old man. From the old man, yeah. And he might want to have something to say to Donut. But Donut's not here, so that's all right. He's told me, though.

Yeah, who? They used to run around back in the days, back in the 70s, Brandoff and Donut. What did Donut do for Brandoff? Well, he was on his roster, because he used to have a roster of singers. He was a bit of a Svengali Brandoff before he went into healthcare. He's done a bit of everything Svengali, Brando, before he went into healthcare.

He's done a bit of everything, hasn't he? Murder, extortion, blackmail. He's serving the time, Paul. He's there, he's doing his time. What's terrorism? He's dabbled. He's dabbled in a bit of terrorism. He's done a bit of this, a bit of that.

He's done it all. Oh, I didn't know that. You know what? When we get back to the House of Pickles pod, we should talk to Bill in depth. See what Bill has to say about Brando. I mean, I wonder if they parted on bad terms, because obviously Brando's gone.

I think everyone parts on bad terms with Brando. That's true. We've parted on many bad terms. Yeah, we can't get rid of him. We can't. And we can't get rid of fucking Bill Donut either. I know. He's living in the imaginary pod space.

I like it because... He's resident in the pod space. He's my new favourite character. No shit. I like singing. Right, so... So we're doing that, and then also we are doing a...

Ganon's Golden Games. Now, it's interesting, because this wouldn't necessarily be classed as a Golden Game, because it's reasonably new. All right, if we're just going on... Oh, Golden. I didn't realise that was, like, capital game. Why? Because it's reasonably new. All right. Oh, golden. I didn't realize that was like capital gold. I only just thought that's...

Well, that's what I'm saying now. Yeah, because golden could just be good. You know? That's true. Yeah. Yeah. But if it was called Ganon's Classic Golden Games... Yeah.

Or Ganon's Classic Games... It would need to be a G word, though, wouldn't it? To really make the alliteration... A G word that means... Classic. Nostalgic. Or nostalgic, yeah. Good old. I know.

Good old. Gestoric. Gestalgic. Gestoric. Are these words? No. No. Stop saying them. That's never stopped me before, Paul. No, that is 20% of our podcast. Maybe more. Ginormous. No. Good old. Good old. Good old! You're good at this, aren't you?

Good old. Ganon's golden good at this, aren't you? Ganon's good old, Ganon's golden good old games. Oh, mate, that is... I'm going to look forward to saying that repetitively, that's for sure. But not this week, because this game's new. So this came out a few years ago. It's just a Ganon's golden game. It's just a Ganon's game, really. But it's still a charity shop buy.

Okay. But what's interesting is that you can still get this game online or in shops for about 30 quid. I got it, though, for £6 in a charity shop. Nice. And it's criminal because it's beautiful. And we're going to be playing that later on. Are we going to tell everybody about the escape room game you found? Yes.

That was a bit of a bargain. Yeah, it was. Everyone wants to hear about that, Paul. Well, that could be something we do as a visual thing. I don't know. Talk about the saving. Let's hear about the savings. All right. I got it for about what?

Two. Two pound. And then we looked online and how much did you say it was? 30. Yeah, I know. And it's a card game. It wasn't me, Paul.

It was the guy in the shop. Oh, that's right. And then you said, I'm going to hold you to your word, mate, and pay you two quid. He's rough, ladies and gentlemen. He's mean.

He's a mean charity shop game buyer. It doesn't take any shit. You're like that guy. You're like that guy. You're like that guy. Salvage Hunters. Oh I couldn't go lower than 200. Really?

Oh it's a bit broken. You said two quid that's it. Yeah that was pretty much it. The thing is I went into the store the one near you that charity

shop and I saw underneath like a box of magazines and things that box and I was like like a box of magazines and things that box and I was like what's this? Thinking it was a jigsaw initially.

Yes. It looks like a bit of a jigsaw. When you see the box it looks kind of like a generic jigsaw box but inside it has three escape room games and they are popular

at the moment aren't they? For stag nights and birthday parties people go in a room and they solve clues to escape. It's just a bunch of cards

and you're imagining that you actually have to escape from a room. Yeah, because if you were in a real escape room, you'd have props. That actually open the door. Yeah, and keys and physical things to play with. So this replaces all of that with cards. It's like an RPG escape room.

Yeah, I guess so. So there's three different types. Each one's a different difficulty. There's a haunted house and a sunken ship and a lost relic Aztec temple or something. A bit like a crystal maze. Yeah, it's a bit like a crystal maze. That was nice. So yeah, two pound, took it to the thing.

And he goes, oh, we're not taking card payments because the internet's down. So can you get cash? So I went, all right then. So I said, two pound, right? He goes, yeah, two pound. So I went to the cashier next door, got a tenner out, came back.

And he just held his phone in front of my face as I came in the room. And I was like focusing it it was like oh Amazon an alert he goes

30 quid 30 quid and I was like and then I said yeah but you said two so he went oh no he goes no yeah

it was just it was a good bargain and I was like yeah you know and you had a little bit of creamages just a little leakage

I stitched you up like a kipper you're like oh myipper. You're like, ooh, my eye is weeping on my pants. I went all tumpy on him. I went all tumpy.

Did you leave a little snail trail in your pants? I had a little bit of slightly sticky pee. Weepy meters. It was slightly sticky pee. We are weepy meters. Here's our new song.

Drip. Oh, we are we be meet no that's a inspiration has not hit Silverman at the moment it's not working for me

you wouldn't you wouldn't just start your own song with your band name though would you your first line well if you were doing a live gig

you'd go we are yeah but you wouldn't hello Cleveland like Spinal Tap yeah but you wouldn't put it into the actual narrative of the lyrics would you

what about hey hey we're the monkeys yeah of the lyrics would you you might what about hey hey we're the monkeys yeah but that's not the first line what about that Paul it's not the first line is it it might be

it is the first line hey hey we're the monkeys no it's not here they come walking down the street it's about them I get the funniest looks from

everyone we meet hey hey weeping meters we drip on your forehead I've got a sploogey weeper And it's gonna make your eyes red Ooh we're just trying to leave snail trails Some of them thicker than most

I've got gluey pre-cans That is my boast There you go Good Paul That's some of our best work. Right, before we get into the show proper, we had a few things in the pay-o box. Thank you to everyone.

Pay-o? The pay-ola box? Yeah, the pay-ola. Oh, slip of the tongue. Are you getting bribed? Who's bribing you? We both put our hands on our hips. No, to everyone who sent stuff in,

thank you very much. We'll get to it in time as we spread out the content. Some smashing stuff in the pay- much we'll get to it in time as we spread out the content but one thing smashing stuff in the in the po box some smashing stuff some odd stuff some stuff that i think really though i've got to look after this in my house until you get to keep that i just get the sauce and the noodles yeah you do never there's never a lack of you got a great big box of sauce and noodles recently didn't you i certainly I can't remember who that was right now, but thank you to that person. We will figure it out for the next time. But this came in a box and I have to show you it.

So let me get it out now. Oh, yes. P.O. box. He's putting it across the table. It's wrapped in a not spoff-laden towel. Well, I'll be the judge. Oh, yeah. I remember these.

Yeah, you saw it on Twitter, did you? Because I think it was on Twitter. Oh, what are we going to do with these? I'm having that. I like it. You're having your one? Okay, so let's tell everyone what it is. You want to keep my one?

Let's tell everyone what it is. Hello, Eli. Hello, Paul. They are... I'm sorry. Oh, no. Don't start role-playing with those dollies. Hello.

They are... Yeah. Sewn dollies. Plush, plush, plushy. I guess plush. Plushy. I guess plush-like, but they're just kind of, you know. Soft dolls. Is this the word I'm looking for? Dollies.

They are dolls. Nice dollies. Dolls representing my good self and your good self, Paul Gannon. Yes. And your one has your grey boiler suit, Ghostbusters boiler suit on. Yeah, I'm in a little Ghostbusters uniform. I've got a vest. You've got a red vest.

Which is on message for me, isn't it? The red vest. But also Santa's elf trousers and shoes. I weirdly think... I think mine's based on the design of an elf. I think last year she made like a Christmas elf doll. She so did. And she thought, actually, it looks a bit like Eli.

But Ganon's been made from scratch. Yeah, look at that. Although I've got a very beaky nose and big eyes. Big googly eyes, both of them. We've got googly eyes. I'm well into that. All right, let me just read the letter that accompanies this. Can I keep me?

Yes, you can keep you. I'll have me. All right. There'll be pictures on our website if you want to see what these look like. And probably on Instagram and probably on Twitter. So follow us on those platforms. I'm clutching them. Yes.

So here is the letter. Right. Dear Paul and Eli, I hope you'll excuse the hastily scrawled letter. We will. those platforms right clutching them yes so here's here is the letter right dear paul and eli i hope you'll excuse the hastily scrawled letter we will i like to make terrible dolls from time to time and was inspired to create a little paul and eli after a mammoth listening to the show you've seen them on twitter but i thought i would send them in just a very small token of appreciation for all your entertainment that you have given me anyway i hope that you like these and keep doing what you do best all the best james p.s spoff james yes james thank you very much james thank you very very much thank you very much for our lovely dollies thank

you very much thank you very very much thank you very much for a spoff fill brolly thank you very very very much why would it be filled because i'm filling it up wow imagine how much spoff you could get in an upturned brolly. Yeah. You'd need a horse or an elephant to fill that. And then I'd go out into the street and do a complete Gene Kelly and spray everyone in my jism. Do you think?

Why? Because it would go all rubbery first anyway. Do you think it would go all kind of thick and gloopy? Have you ever looked at your cum about three minutes after? No. It goes. It's usually long since gone. It's a biological effect, evolutionary effect. To what? Self-destruct. No. It's usually long since gone. It's a biological effect,

evolutionary effect. To what? Self-destruct. No. It goes hard so it can get right in the egg and it's not

going to fall out. It goes rubbery. Yeah. But usually it just goes dry on my thigh. But there will be a rubbery

face. Elf on the shelf, dry on my thigh. That could be your own elf on the shelf. Spank on my junk. Yeah. That little dolly could be your own little elf on the shelf. Spank on my junk. Yeah.

That little dolly could be your own little elf on the shelf. You can put him somewhere and he can spy on you. Come on, my bum. It doesn't work. What are you doing? You're having a little podcast. Jism. I don't like that.

Don't hold me and then say jism. Don't hold my dolly. Jism. Jism. Don't hold my dolly and say jism. I'm holding me in my right hand and you in my left hand, Paul. The dolly's not... Not the knob, everybody!

That would work, wouldn't it? It would. Anyway, I'm putting them... Shall we have them watch us for the rest of the episode? They can watch us. Like Elf on the Shelf. So they can be... They're doing something dirty.

Don't do sex movements. Head to tail. No, that doesn't fit. You'd have to give me a toe job whilst I... Well, no, because I'd do it. If we go to 69... There's no way you can. No, you can't fit. You'd have to give me a toe job whilst I... Well, no, because I'd do it. If you've got a 69... There's no way you can. No, you can.

Look at that. Oh, yeah, there you can. Perfect. You're literally... It fits perfectly. Okay, good. Yeah. I've always wanted to do this.

This is my dream come true. Shut up. Don't do my voice. Ick, ick, ick, ick, ick, ick, ick. They are a lot of fun, Paul. I'm getting fucking calm. Oh, everything in my face of fun, Paul. I'm getting fucking cum. Ah, irritate my face. Oh, God.

All right. And they all lived happily ever after. They've both got googly eyes. They do. So thank you once again, James, for those. Thank you very much. Right, what a lovely spirited beginning to the episode. Let's crack on while the energy's high.

High. High. High. Oh, you can't press the button. No, it's too far away. Now the energy is high. Hi. Hi. You can't press the button. No. The energy's going to fucking well go. I can edit it so it just ends. What shall I press? Paul? Yes, sir.

Now it's time. It is. For the segment of Cheap Show. The segment we like to call I'm going to get some in you. I'm going to get some in you. Do you want to get some in you? It's coming up. It's coming up.

No, Paul. It's Brando. Can we stop? It's coming up. It's Brando. Paul. Yeah? No.

No, that wasn't working for me. I was trying to make it sexy. It's not sexy. I shouldn't have done it. I did it a bit languidly. Yeah, and that made me sexy. All right, so full intensity. Yeah.

Off, brand, brand off. This is our signature segment. Mate. What? I found the fucking trumpet hole. No, no, the trumpet's not going to work. Off, brand, brand off. No, no, the trumpet's not going to work. Off brand, brand off, off brand, brand off. Off brand, brand, off brand, brand off.

Off brand, off brand, off brand, off. Off brand, off brand, off brand, off. Off brand, off brand, off brand, off. Off brand, off brand, off brand, off. Off brand, off brand, off. Off brand, off. Off brand, off. Off brand, off, off.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it is Off Brand Brand Off, the segment of the show where I, Eli Silverman... There's something dirty on that trumpet. No, that's one of those arse trumpets. That is one of those arse. It's a Venezuelan arse trumpet. I was going to tell you. You didn't tell me I was putting my lips on a Venezuelan arse trumpet.

Yeah. It's something, it's a traditional thing they do in the high ground. Right, well, I've just put my lips on it, so good. You've put your lips on some old arse grease there, mate. You know, actually, what it is, Paul, is copper. It's that sort of coppery... Yeah, it's the copper bit. Yeah, coppery sort of metallic.

My lips are very cold as well now. And I feel like I've sucked things into my mouth from that drum, but I shouldn't have. Off-brand brand-off, where I, Eli Silverman, do a blind taste test comparing, Paul...

Yes. ...a branded item... Yes. ...an item everyone knows and loves, the brand they love... Yeah. ...with its cheap knock-off, often from a knock-off supermarket, such as Aldi, L its cheap knockoff, often from a knockoff supermarket,

such as Aldi, Lidl. Well, they're not a knockoff supermarket. Poundland. You know what I mean? They do it as well, aren't they? They're not knockoffs. I would say Lidl is a knockoff supermarket. No, their main thing is doing copy brand copies. They're not knockoffs, though, are they? Yeah, they are brand copies. They copy the

writing. Look, I'm mincing words, but the point is that you're a cunt. Right, so moving on. I'm great. Hello, I'm Paul Gannon. Here's the show. Do you know what, ladies and gentlemen? Off-brand brand-off is the part of the show where I... Where I just explained it.

I explained it to everyone. No, I am explaining it. It has been explained. Where I, Paul Gannon, challenge Eli to use his taste buds to discover which of the foods I give him are branded or off-brand interpretations of that food stuff. And there's a little bit of a competition in it for me, a little bit of a challenge, Paul, because I try to see if I can actually taste with my mouth, just with my mouth, and nose, and my fingers a bit as well.

You don't taste with your fingers and nose, though, do you? I can ascertain texture and shape, which sometimes has a bearing. Yeah, there are. Very often the texture has a bearing. Yeah, there are. Very often the texture has a bearing. They're very different senses. Yes. I'm not tasting with my fingers. I'm not some kind of fucking idiot.

Well, aliens would, wouldn't they? Yeah, they might do. They'd be touching their food and they'd go, oh, saucy, that's a bit salty. And then they'd put it down your pants and go, oh, fishy. A bit fishy cheesy.

Fishy suave. put it down your pants and go, oh, fishy. A bit fishy cheesy. Fishy swat. I just thought of an alien smelling someone's gooch. With their tentacle hand. Right.

Yeah, good. Okay. I can't do it because I'm grinning. Hang on. Is that the noise of the alien? Yeah, using his tenderly fingers to taste the gooch. There is a challenge in this in that I try to tell which is which. Yes. And also, on the serious side, Paul, we try and see if it's worth buying the knockoff.

Yeah. Because you all save pennies, that's for sure. You're going to save pennies on the knockoff but will the flavor and experience of the original product be so diminished that it's not even worth saving the money exactly exactly and it's so different and sometimes it is for example sainsbury's basic mayonnaise yeah which is not worth that is not worth you know that didn't that wow you though no there's one that you really like because you thought our hellman's almonds i know how that was it this is the this is the one that sticks in my mind.

I thought that the Sainsbury's own brand was the Hellmann's because I liked it better than the Hellmann's. All right, well, there you go. Have you heard of Duke's Mayonnaise? No. Apparently, it's big in the States, Duke's. Is it a brand? Yeah.

And they make ketchups as well? I want to try it. I've never heard of Duke's. They might make ketchups as well. Well, apparently, their standout is the mayo. Are you American? Do you like spending an awful lot of money on postage and packaging? Send us Dukes stuff.

Sauce. Mayo. Mayo. Today's Off-Brand Brand. Was sent in to us. It's another bespoke item. Where would we be for content without our listenership, Paul? It's a very good question.

I'm going to take my jumper off. We're warming the house up because it's a big house. You take it off. I'll read the letter out. So this comes from Kathy. Thank you, Kathy. Hi, Paul and Eli. Please find and close some Kinder chocolate and Aldi knockoffs. Front off, brand

off. I've included the receipts so you can compare the prices too. Cheers. Okay. Can I have some opening thoughts on this, Paul? Yes. Kinder. It's considered cheap chocolate, is it? No. It's not, is it? It's nice, isn't it?

It's very sugary. I'm just trying to get my mouth in order here. Get all the gumption. It's very milky chocolatey. It's very milky. Almost white chocolate sometimes. It tastes a bit like white chocolate, doesn't it? But it's got a nice, it's smooth.

Yes. It hasn't got that sharpness. It's got the amplitude. Of a Kinder iser is i think i might be working on amplitude the balance and amplitude uh in a big way this this week i think kinder do a flavor of chocolate and it's kind of like cocoa and white chocolate it's not a very thin that's the but for the fondant stuff you mean well it's like i think kinder came to the uk first and foremost is the kinder egg thing the eggs where you got a little chocolate egg with a little plastic toy in, right? And that's how we know they're chocolate.

And then after that, they've added more to the Kinder brand. And also, good for smuggling drugs in your vagina. Or bumhole. Well, they've got, I mean, a bumhole. Well, you don't have a vagina, though. I know that. Focus. You could put the eggs up the bum hole but in depending on the slackness of

your bum hole it might sort of crush the egg a bit and you wouldn't want the drugs coming out in your in your bum hole that's for sure mine will come out like a like an egg from a snake's mouth where have you seen a snake i watched the channel thing last last night where an egg was a spider, a snake, a spider. TV is the word you're looking for as well. I was watching a channel thing. I was watching a channel. What are they called in a channel thing?

TV channel, Paul. That's what it's called. Try and eat an egg. Yeah, it couldn't do it. And it was too big, so it kind of regurgitated the egg out. Oh,

because they can dislocate their jaw or something. Yeah. But it already done that. Yeah. Still too big. I think it kind of ate it, sucked out the thing, and then spat out the shell. Sucked out the out the shell so when i said my bum would be slack it'd be as slack as a snake

digesting an egg and then regurgitating said shell and mucus out of its mouth i can envision that i'm glad you can because it was a long-winded way to say i've got a baggy arsehole now paul paul yeah uh are we going to have the mention the it's de rigueur to mention that the the kinder egg toys are not as good as they used to be are they do you think that's true they're not as good as they used to be no you used to get little almost puzzles that you had to construct yourself and these days they're almost all always in one piece because of health and safety and all that stuff which i'm not going to complain about. It's not a thing. It's just like, with us being more aware of small children

and putting things in their mouths, they quite rightly said these toys shouldn't have small parts because kids can choke. And so as a result, Kinder Egg toys tend to be pre-built and sometimes even just little mini statues or plastic figures. Yes, and less intricate. And they had some beautiful intricate ones. I told you.

Did I tell you about my favourite one? Go on. It was a little island with a palm tree on, on wheels. And as you pushed it along, a little gopher's head popped up. Oh, yeah. Love that one. I think the last decent thing I got on a Kinder Egg was years ago. It was a little magic trick, a little magic draw.

Oh, that was good, wasn't it? You know, you put a thing in the drawer and you close it. Those little diorama ones that actually move. Right, here's some facts about Kinder. Kinder chocolate, Italian, Kinder Cioccolato. I thought it was German. Well, no, it's Italian, but it's still German for Kinder. Oh, Kinder is German for children.

Yeah. So they've used a German word for their brand. It's a confectionery product brand line produced by an Italian confectionery multinational company, Ferrero, who do the Rocher. They're a Rocher fan. With this Ferrero Rocher, you are really spoiling us. Now, but these days, with this Ferrero Rocher, you haven't really gone too much effort at all.

You've done nothing at all. You're the ambassador. What's wrong with you? You're the fucking ambassador. You put this shit for me? I will not. I will not be making guns for this country! Where shall I actually get these chocolates from now?

Aldi? You can't have the ambassador eat it at Aldi! This is so bad! It was created by Michel Ferrero. Kinder was originally developed in Alba, Italy in 1968. It was first introduced to the Germans and Italian markets in 68, being sold to other countries in Europe. Currently, Kinder include 22 product variations sold in 125 countries worldwide.

So they originally were not the eggs, were not the original thing? No. It's just what they've got big in Britain doing, I guess. I guess. It doesn't really say what the order of products were. It's got a list of all their products, like Kinder Maxi King, which sounds like an 80s soul band. Well, it sounds like a tampon, doesn't it?

Oh, also that. Kinder Regal, they have Country Crisp, they have Yogurt Slices. Yogurt Slices? Yeah, apparently. But the one they're most famous for is Kinder Surprise. It's a hollow milk chocolate egg. Yogurt slices, mate. Yeah.

That's like my laundry basket on wash day. Yogurt slices. You have to crack it. Yeah. Anyway, so they also have a Kinder Joy, which is similar to a Kinder Egg, in that it comes with a little plastic egg. But in this case, one half of it is like a chalk dip. You know, it's like a thing. I know, I've seen those. And then that it comes with a little plastic egg but in this case one half of it is like a chalk dip.

You know, it's like a thing. I know, I've seen those. And then you scoop it with a little thing. Mate, you never see chalk dips

anymore, do you? No, Those were Golden Wonder, weren't they? I've seen them in Poundland. They're not branded Golden Wonder,

Yeah, they are. They are, no more, they are no more. No, I think they still make chalk dip,

uh, chalk lick. What's it called? Chip and dip. Chip and dip. Chip and dip? Yeah. Chip and dip.

Well, chickens make those. You know what I mean, though. The little bread biscuits in the pots of chocolate. Yeah, no, they're choc-dip. Choc-dip. Aren't they? Choc and dip. Chip and dip.

I think it's chip and... Chof and spoffney chod-poff. No, don't say chodney, because it gets me going. You say chodney. I say spoff. Chodney. Spoff. Chodney.

Spoff. There we go. Kinder Surprise, Kinder Joy. They also do Happy Hippos. You like Happy Hippos. I haven't seen those. Not in a while Spoff. Chodney. Spoff. There we go. Kinder Surprise, Kinder Joy. They also do Happy Hippos. You like Happy Hippos. I haven't seen those. Not in a while, though, but they do. Remember the little kind of wafer hippo?

They're like humped. Oh, no, it's shaped like an actual hippo. A little wafer hippo, and then inside it's got a bit of chocolate. They're nice. And then finally, sorry, Kinder Bueno, which is a chocolate wafer bar, hazelnut cream filling, and released in 1999 in the UK. Yeah, it's got a nice feathery light hazelnut fondant. They were marketed, funnily enough, Kinder Bueno,

as the first kinder chocolate for adults. Yeah, see, that's what I was going to mention. Like other sort of brands of chocolate will actually have different sort of different darknesses of chocolate. They'll say this is a 70% cocoa one or something. But Kinder seem to have just gone for totally different products well it's like they see what I mean basic formula of their chocolate and white chocolate mix and then just gone that's what shape can I put it in yeah that's in a bar

that's with a wafer that's what I mean yeah and it's worked for them obviously they're one of the biggest fucking brands of confectionery going in the whole world do very well for themselves although wasn't it for a time I don't know if it's still true today, but they couldn't sell Kinder Eggs in America because of the policy about you can't have toy in a food store for the same thing.

Ah. Now, that takes me onto another point, Paul. Do they have, do they do What? tie-ins where they, you know, they buy the rights

to the Smurfs, for example, or, you know, Marvel characters. They do. They do that. They do. Yeah, because their Kinder Eggs always have Marvel characters in these days. Do they have Marvel characters and things?

Disney characters? I don't know. Moomins? I don't know. They have, like, licensed characters now, don't they? Because they can. Paul, talking of Moomins, there's this sign near where I live, right? And it's meant to be, like, a no dog sign.

Yeah. But the dog's head looks like a Moomin's head. So it looks like a Moomin dog. No Moomins. No Moomin dogs. No Morgs. no dogmins i'm glad you found that funny because i thought it was tiring from the minute you brought it in dogmins so today we are looking at i'll show a picture of that to anyone who wants to know no one wants to see it actually no say it now now any closure you do want to see it it does look well like a moomin's head so today

we are looking at some Kinder products. Oh, can I see them? Hang on. We have... Let's make sure these are all the same ones. We've got three Kinder products and three knock-offs, do we? No, we've got two Kinder products and two knock-offs. So we are going to be working with today Kinder Bueno.

That's the classic. Which is the milk and hazelnut flavoured kind of wafer chocolate bar. Yeah, milk chocolate covered in wafer with smooth, milky hazelnut fillings. Did you say the Bueno was the first adult-orientated Kinder product? Released in 1999. Well, that's quite relevant. And then we've got these called Kinder Chocolate, which are five individually wrapped chocolate bars,

fine milk chocolate with a milky filling. And they're more like a... I don't think I've ever had those. No, but it's the same kind of flavouring. Again, just more, in this case, I guess, intense. It's just the chocolate has no wafer involved. I see. It's like a Kinder Bueno without the wafer.

Yeah. And so, obviously, to go against the Kinder Bueno, we have this by a company called Dairy Fine. These are bought from Aldi. Spirals Hazelnuts. And as you can see on the cover, they are designed very similarly. They look very, very similar. And they've also sort of gone for the same design

with the sort of red bordering. We see this a lot though, don't we? It's always Aldi or Lidl. They're knockoff supermarkets, mate. It's interesting though, because by and large, the quality of what they make isn't bad or off. It's just what they've done is they've traded on your ability to recognize brands by their color and fonts and things like that.

So you just grab it. So they're just sort of like, yeah, you like this type of thing? This is that, but cheaper. Yeah, I just don't... For me, that doesn't appeal. It doesn't make me want to buy something. No, but I have had lots and lots of Aldi chocolates that I have absolutely adored. Like their version of the Nestle Crunch Bar, you know, the Rice Krispie bits in,

is much better than the Nestle Crunch Bar. Is it really? Yes, considerably. And it's 30p compared to £1 pound i did tell you what i did like i was mad for that i like their cheese the morrison's cheese thins didn't i yes yeah i remember they had their own hula hoops which tasted exactly like morrison's uh no aldi sorry okay and what's um what's the so the analog for the kinder chocolate today is, again, by Dairy Fine. Okay. And they're called Mini Delights Milk Chocolate 11 Snack Sticks.

Now, interesting, it just says, you know, milk chocolate sticks with milky filling. But, I don't know, just to the eye, I don't think these are going to taste anything like the Kinder Chocolate. Why? Well, it looks almost exactly the same. It's just chocolate with a filling. Yeah. Milk chocolate with a filling. It's going to be hard

because they've got the same... For instance, the packaging is like blue. It looks more like Oreo colours. It's more different, the packaging, definitely. Whereas, you know,

Kinder's, the familiar white and orange kind of... The spirals, the hazelnut spirals have gone much further to try and ape the Bueno packaging

than the delights have gone to ape the Kinder chocolate packaging. So, here we go, boys and girls. Just one more thought, though. Why do you have to have thoughts? One more thought. You know what they used to call me when I was knocking around in the 60s in clubs?

Too much biscuit, not enough cream. Because I was unable to ejaculate. What does that even mean? That doesn't mean anything. It does. You'll know if you've had one of my dry... Too much biscuit, not enough cream. Too much biscuit, not enough cream.

Chardonnay spore off, Chardonnay spore off. Right, I'm ready. We are ready to go with the off-brand brand off. Now make sure you break them up because I might be picking up stuff about the texture and the shape. I think we're going to be all right with the Spirals versus the Bueno

because I think they look similar enough that... Just lumpy. Yeah, but I'll do my best to give you a small... But there is definitely a distinct difference in the shape. Again, there's more difference

between the Kinder Chocolate and its knockoff than there is between the Bueno and their knockoffs, the Spirals. So I'm going to ask you now to put on your blindfold which today is a charming...

Is it Gingham style? Yeah. Gingham style. Oh, it's a werewolf. Right. Now, you're going to have to help me here. It's a werewolf from Yorkshire. I can't see anything.

So, you're going to have to help me with the mic. All right. You're all right as you stand right now. So, don't stress it. I'm not going to do anything weird this week. I can't be arsed. All I need to do is just spend the minute or two getting everything out and breaking it up so it's in... Okay, well, I'm ready.

I'm sitting here. I'm ready, Paul. How's it going? It's going fine. I'm just making sure I do this in the right order. But I'm opening everything up first so you don't know what order I'm ordering and opening things in. All right. Well, I'm not thinking about it.

I'm thinking about nothing. I'm thinking about it. Oh, I can hear you. I can hear you opening something now. You've made me think about it. And now I'm thinking, what is that that you're opening? What order are you going to go with this? I'm not going to tell you. You're not going to tell me that, are you?

You tried to pull the wings over my beak. You're very quick. You almost did tell me. No. What I'm asking, Paul, is are we going to go with the Bueno and its knockoff first? Or are we going to go alternate Bueno? No, we'll do brand by brand. So you're going to get either the no we'll do brand by brand so you're going

to get either the bueno or the spiral first and then the other spiral or the bueno second then you can make a guess about which one you think is what okay so we'll do them as separate things yeah okay fine right we can carry on now i said anything now here we go mr silverman are you ready we're going to start with the bueno or spiral uh i'm just going to put it in my mouth and not try and feel it up, okay? All right, here we go. Let me just snap that up. Just put it on the palm of my hand.

I'm just going to slurp it up, okay? Chocolate one has been offered to Silverman. This is the first item. This is either bueno or spiral. What are you getting? Very sweet. Now, are you familiar with bueno? Do you know the bueno flavour?

You can spot it with a tongue in a mile. I don't think that is the Bueno. Okay. Why? It's got a slight staleness to it. Oh, really? In what? In terms of the wafer part?

The wafer part. Well, it's not crisp. It's a little bit soft. It's a little soft and a little bit cardboardy. Okay. Very sweet. Yeah. Hard for me to say, though.

All right. Well, do you want to go into the second one just in case, just before you make any... Yeah. I don't want to make a guess now. Yeah, all right, here we go. I want to compare them. Put your left hand out. Here we go.

Straight in. He's crunching it. He's chewing it. And now he has to evaluate based on what he's tasted in his mouth. So what are you thinking now? You've had both of the first item-ish items. I can taste the hazelnut in that one. Oh, okay, that's good.

Are they both meant to have hazelnut in them? Yes. Much more vanillary and less chocolatey. Okay. And there's more going on flavor-wise. What about the wafer this time? It has more amplitude. The wafer, crisper, lighter.

More crunch? The whole thing is more airy. More crunch on the... I prefer the second one. Okay. Well, what... Almost less chocolatey, though. Yeah.

And more other sort of flavours going on there. But weirdly, because of, I mean, I don't want to try and fudge any results, but in my opinion,

Kinder's always been less kind of about the chocolate and more about the overall mouthfeel of the... I mean, the amplitude in that second piece is by miles much greater.

Okay. And much more enjoyable. None of that staleness and some real airiness going on there as well. Okay. So by that logic then, do you want to make a guess on this? I'd say number two was the Kinder Bueno.

Okay. And number one was what they called ICU. Spirals. What's the company though? Dairy Fine. Dairy Fine. That's like if you're some kind of millionaire and you haven't told the taxman about your cows.

Yeah, that's what they're concerned about. Right, fine. Okay, so for the first item, you said it was the spiral hazelnut, and the second one you said was the kinder bueno. I think so, but even, do you know what's holding me back on this, Paul? Go on.

The shapes. The shape of that second one felt more like a spiral, and the shape of the first one was more of a hump. Oh, I see. Well, but the flavor is what speaks paul exactly it was just a better product your second your tongue's doing things your eyes can't do it had more vanilla more hazelnut and more amplitude and lighter and none of that cardboardy staleness okay so i'm i'm going for it i'm just gonna say it i'm gonna go for it the results are thus number one was the dairy fine number two was the kinder yes and you would be correct yes there we go mr

silverman well played oh the mouth oh i'm touching my mouth now here we go i'm giving my mouth a little pat on the back are you ready for your next now this is either going to be the uh delight or the kinder chocolate now you've got to see, now I know what the Kinder tastes like. It's in there. I'm not going to fuck this up, mate. How familiar are you with Kinder Chocolate, though? I've never tasted it before in my life. So this is a little bit of a kind of a carte blanche situation in many respects.

Yeah, but the chocolate in it will be the same kind of chocolate as in the banana. Ah, you've found the Rosetta Stone to this, have you? I may have. Put your right hand out. The chocolate is coming into your palm. No. I might give this a little huff if you don't mind. No, by all means, huff it.

I'm surprised you didn't with the last two. Oh, it's a very kinder-like huff, baby. Is it very kinder-like? Oh, baby. Yeah, very vanilla-y, basically. I think that's the secret. The vanilla, the milky element. They give it a lot of milky vanilla.

Yeah. I give the lady the milky element. Do you? Why? What do you call it? I go, come on, love. It's time to give you the milky element. They give it a lot of milky vanilla. Yeah. I give the lady the milky element. Do you? Why? What do you call it? I go, come on, love. It's time to give you the milky element. Right, I'm going to eat this. When I'm in my last few pumps, I say, hang on, love.

Sci-fi time. Here comes the milky element. Right. Shut up. Right. And then I hiss at her. Here we go. That's your first kinder kinder type thing or

thing cats kinder oh that's too sweet for me too sweet in what respect is it like is it got that spark of the tang sharp yeah yeah we've discussed it before paul how things can be just too sweet yeah and there's almost i don't want to say salty but you know you get those little tangs or little sparks of something yes chocolate yeah. It is almost so sweet that it crosses over to saltiness. Like metallic almost. It's hard to explain. You know what I mean? I know what you're talking about, though.

Having said that, I'm getting a milky aftertow. Aftertow? Yeah, sort of like a middle toe, a middle note, you know? Not the aftertaste, just before the aftertaste. Yeah, the pre-taste. You know, I like to call it a milky undertow so my milky element it's quite vanilla-y not it's not unpleasant too sweet for my taste though okay hard for me to say at this point all you need to give me is your gut feelings about it i'm gonna look out for a more

amplitudinous or less amplitudinous uh sample and maybe judge it it's so hard to judge it's very hard to judge put your's very hard to judge. Put your right hand out. Here comes the final bit of chocolate today for your delectation. He's plonked it down. I've plonked it down. What's the snuff got? No snuff.

No snuff? Hardly any snuff on there. Really? I'm struggling to get any kind of olfactory response in my brain at all. Okay, fair enough. You can't force these things, ladies and gentlemen. It's got no smell that, mate.

No smell whatsoever. Let's give it a try. How queer. Right, he's having a chew. What are your feelings, Mr. Silverman?

It's more chocolatey. In a good way? What's the milky element like? There's less of it and there's less of that vanilla-iness. Okay.

But it is better quality. Sort of more chocolatey, more like a... Higher end chocolate that vanilla-y-ness. Okay. So, but it is better quality. Okay. Sort of more chocolatey, more like a... Higher-end chocolate. A legitimate chocolate, yeah. Okay. In a kind of almost Swiss kind of, what's the other one? Lint kind of chocolate. It's more towards that. I can taste the cocoa in this and the first one I couldn't.

So, in that case... Oh, it's so hard though because it tastes more like a Kinder that I know, the first one. But the second one is a better quality overall chocolate. And do you prefer the flavour of the second one? Yes. Okay. It hasn't got that sharpness. Okay. But what would I... This is the decision you've got to make

now, Silverman. Really difficult because is Kinder... Again, it's not... The other thing I'm struggling with here, Paul, is the first one was much closer in flavour to the one up from the first one was much, was closer in flavour to the one from the first round that I know was Kinder. Yeah.

It tasted like that, more like that. Again, ultimately, you're not just... You know what? You're not just going for... In the first round, the Dairy Fine was more chocolatey as well.

It was just not as nice. Yeah. But it was more chocolatey. And for that reason... You're going to carry that over to this. I think Kinder was the first of these chocolate chunks that you fed me. Yeah. And...

The Delight. The Dairy Fine, whatever. The Knock Off was the second one. I preferred the second one. So I've reversed my preference, but... Okay. But that's locked in. I think I'll go for that.

Yeah. I mean, it's 50-50, isn't it? Eli Silverman. You are correct. Yes! Fucking tongue is back on business, baby. You can remove your blindfold and look at your winnings. 100%.

100%. Did you have a little taste there, Paul, as well? I haven't yet. I'll do it in a minute. I just wanted to have a quick look at the prices. So the Kinder Bueno, the pack, there was a pack, a four-pack, I think it was, cost £1.69. Okay.

And then the knockoffs, the spirals, again, that's what? That's seven bars in this, so you get one extra, but it was £1.29. So it's better value, but honestly, in that instance, I just stick with the Kinder Bueno. You're not getting anything like near the experience. No, but if you're on a budget across the board. You taste it, you tell me if I'm wrong. All right. Okay, that's a spiral. It's flat. Do're on a budget across the board. You taste it, you tell me if I'm wrong. All right.

Okay, that's a spiral. It's flat. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, it's... Know what I mean about the cardboardiness to the... It's kind of a little farty.

Yeah. It's got a little egginess. Yeah. It's like almost caramelly, actually. Yeah, but it's not much. There's not much in terms of flavours,

different flavours. It's just sort of... Nothing's repulsive. I don't really like it that much, but it's more to me caramelly almost. It's like, you know, like condensed that much but it's it's more to me caramelly almost it's like you know like

condensed milk cream it's like that are you not getting the cardboardiness the texture the crunch wasn't too bad for me I didn't think it was too bad

listen wait till you get your mouth round the bueno oh mate I don't need I don't need you to tell me about bueno you love bueno don't you

no just think about it when you're eating the bueno do you know what I mean how much better is that? A lot better, I'd say. Everything comes together a lot better. See, he's on the amplitude train, baby. Come on.

Boop, boop. Don't you think, though? It's much more blended, sort of rounded. Well, yeah. I mean, overall, it's still a bit too sweet for me, but much more palatable than the caramelly spiral. It is better, isn't it? Now, I'm, overall, it's still a bit too sweet for me, but much more palatable than the Caramelly Spiral. It is better, isn't it? Now, I'm going to try this.

Now, my preference was the other way around. You would rather have more of the delights. The mini delights, because they're more chocolatey. Here is the Kinder Chocolate. Hasn't it got that sharp sweetness? Yeah, a little bit. It's almost as if the chocolate isn't quite as... I don't know.

It's got a lot of white milk chocolate to it. Yeah, too much. chocolate isn't quite I don't know it's got a lot of white milk chocolate to it too much not enough cocoa I like it I forgot I can't you can't eat

Paul have a bit of the delights it will clean it out no it's more milky milky no no that honestly tastes like proper chocolate in comparison

right I'm going to try a bit of the it's not milk chocolatey at all that one it's much more it tastes like dark chocolate I'll be the judge of this

in comparison oh yeah you see what I mean it's tastes like dark chocolate. I'll be the judge of this. In comparison. Oh, yeah. You see what I mean? It's more like chocolate, isn't it? Well. Still got a bit of white chocolate-ness to it. It's still a bit too creamy for me. Okay.

It's still a bit too, there's too much of a milky element. But would you agree and prefer that one? Yeah, I might be more preferable to the mini delights because I think that. The Kinder chocolate bar is not very good. No. They know it's much better. For me, though, it's because I don't like white chocolate. I don't like white milk chocolate.

No, I don't either. And it makes me feel... Okay, do it. Now, Paul... Yeah. Oh, so hang on. One last thing then. So the Mini Delights were, again, £1.29.

But the Kinder Snack Bar, so these ones, for five little sticks, that was actually just a quid on the nose. The Kinder? Yeah. What these ones for five little sticks. That was actually just a quid on the nose. Or 99. The Kinder. Yeah. The Mini Delights. So the Mini Delights were 30p more expensive

than the Kinder chocolate. There you go. They're not the knockoff. Mate, my palate could tell which was more expensive. What a fascinating discovery. I think I'm getting a call though. Oh God.

I forgot about that. I was about to press stop. Because you know, you do the finances for the show. I think you should just talk to him. I don't want to. I'm going to hand it. You know, you do the finances for the show. I think you should just talk to him. I'm going to hand it over to you. Okay. Hello?

Hello? Hello. Who is this? It's Paul. Richard Bradhoff here. Yeah, I know, but you don't need to... Why are you calling? You should be in prison.

It's my segment, isn't it? You're doing my segment today, aren't you? Yes, we are, but we don't need you here, really. I don't have to be there now. What are you doing? I'm just calling to make sure that my property... Ruff, ruff, but we don't need you here, really. I don't have to be there now. What are you doing? I'm just calling to make sure that my property... Ruff, ruff, ruff. What do you mean, your property?

My property. What's your property? Listen, I've got a full portfolio of things going on here. Okay. Ruff, ruff, ruff. I'm just letting him do his thing at this point. I was inches away from pressing stop on this segment. And now... Did you just fart?

No. I heard that down the phone, Brandoff. Eli! Brandoff just farted. Well, there's no stopping him. Now, Paul, listen to me. Yes. I heard something.

A little birdie came in over the wall today. So have you seen the stuff I've been buying online? Ruff, ruff. That was a present for a friend. I'm not talking about that. A little birdie came in. Yeah. He told me there's one Bill Donut.

Yeah, Bill's been on the show recently. He's been a big hit. Listen, I know. He's been a big hit with the audience. He's not a big hit. He's a big hit with the people whose lives he destroys. What do you mean, whose lives he destroys? He's a lush. Ruff, ruff. I'm just warning destroys. Do you mean whose lives he destroys? He's a lush.

Ruff, ruff. I'm just warning you. Do you mean lush? I'm warning you. He might bring some things up. And they're best forgotten. Ruff, ruff, ruff. Ooh, ominous.

I don't know. He just seems so nice to me. A bit lost, maybe. A bit heartbroken. Don't let it fool you. His old poor me act. And to be fair, he's got a bit lost, maybe a bit heartbroken. Don't let it fool you. His all-poor-me act. To be fair, he's got a bit of a drinking problem.

A bit? That man can drink more vodka than I can produce in my factories abroad. Just alone, bruv, bruv, bruv. He's saying he's got a drinking problem. Can you give me some opportunity for misogyny before I get off the line? Is Carol there? No, Carol's moved on.

What? She's now working for Noel Edmonds. What a fucking bitch! Yeah, she sits in the back of his cab and pretends to be a fake model. Oh, Edmonds. Right, I've got to go. Say hello to Eli. I might get out.

I've got a parole meeting next week. I might get out on good behaviour. No, you won't get out on good behaviour. I've got a parole meeting next week. I might get out on good behaviour. No, you won't get out on good behaviour. I've seen what you've been doing. We've all heard about what you've been doing in prison. Everyone needs to make a living. Yeah? Yes.

Yeah? Everyone needs to make a living. And you've been making a living in prison by milking the inmates. Well, I've got a whole system set up here. Yeah, it's called your mouth in a bucket. They call me Big Papa Brandoff around here now. Queen Bee

Brandoff. Hang on. Big Papa what? Big Papa Brandoff. Wait, that sounds familiar. Well, it shouldn't. A long time ago. It's my copyright anyway.

A long time ago. Big Papa something. Yes, you're talking about Big Papa Hamster. No, not Hamster! Oh no, not again! Now, Paul. Now, they've just blown the lunch horn, Paul.

So I've got to go, right? Say hello to Eli and just tell Bill Donut... Don't tell Bill Donut I've got anything to do with this show. All right, OK. Don't freak out. All right. I'll deal with it when I get out of this goddamn shithole prison. Well, you're not getting out, so don't worry about it.

All right, all right. Well, just say, Eli, that he'll get his fee. Yeah. I don't know about you anymore, Paul. I just don't know. Goodbye. Goodbye? Did you talk to him then?

Yes. He said, we've got to be careful of Bill Donut because he's got a problem. I tried to tell you about that. And then he said, he's going to pay you more and pay me less. Well, Paul, it's because you're very unkind to him. And he thinks he's getting out on parole when people forget he's on death row. He's payrolled, he's bankrolled a lot of, you know, the stuff we've done. We don't want to talk about that a lot on this podcast.

And also, this segment's 40 minutes and I'd like to stop now. Oh, you'd like to stop now? I would like to stop. Well, I'm sorry if people call up, you know what I mean? He technically has to do it. He is our mysterious benefactor who is not mysterious at all

and in prison he'll be getting out and on death row he'll be getting out of prison no he won't after Christmas he won't well he's got his parole

I mean he hasn't done anything he has he murdered thousands of people destroyed public property he's got people on his pay though he's got people he's bribing people yeah well

I don't think anyone's going to pardon him put it that way. Maybe. He might have some kind of adventure over Christmas in the prison, though. Hmm. Come on, stop this fucking statement. All right. Oh.

Oh. He's getting golden games. He's getting golden games. Here I am. Where am I? Come on. I forgot you had the whole, here I am, where am I, existential. How is it you can throw existentialism into the theme of our segment?

I like to slather on some existentialism wherever I am. Extra segmentism. Right, you ready? Yeah. Ganon's Golden Games. Ganon's Golden Games. Who am I? There he is.

There he is. Ganon's Golden Games. It's Ganon's Golden Games, everybody. Yes, it's the part of the show where I pull out a board game I've got on a charity shop or cheap off the internet. Now, as we were discussing earlier, Paul, this isn't strictly speaking a golden game. It's more of a Gannon's game.

It's more of a Gannon's game. So I'll do the whole thing just doing Gannon's game. Just doing Gannon's game. It's Gannon's game. Gannon's game. Here I am. Who am I? Gannon's game. Gannon's game. Game. Here I am. Who am I? Game.

Game. You still had to throw the golden in, didn't you? All right, sorry. I'll try again. Yeah. Game. Game.

Oh, that sounds depressing. Who am I? Game. Game. Here's what it needs. Ganon's gold game. Ganon's gold game. Who am I?

Who am I? There we go. Okay, here's Ganon's game. It is. What am I? Who am I? Dario. Okay, is Gannis Game. It is. What's the game today, Paul, that we'll be playing? Well, as I said before, I got it in a charity shop for like six quid. It wasn't that much. Online, I found it's about 20, 25, 30, something like that.

I don't have the cost to count. What about the reviews and so forth? Is it very good? This is an award-winning game, apparently. I'll just jump straight in. We're playing today, it's called Chronicles of Crime by Lucky Duck Games. Lucky Duck? It's got a seal of excellence.

Have you come across their games before? No, I haven't, but they do similar. Are they usually sort of whodunit style games? No, just more kind of, you know... Interactive with an app type games? So modern, modern board games type yeah like a modern modern board games they do all the modern board games kind of do offbeat titles and things so this is a murder mystery game but to be fair there are add-ons on all sorts and they're not all murders

sometimes it's like solve a diamond robbery or cook for a terrorist that's cool that they can they've got expansion packs yeah yeah so the idea is the idea is, it's a board game with a board, but there's no moving around the board, like, for instance, 221B Baker Street. This is more like the board you're given is your evidence board. I fill it with my evidence pieces, don't I? Around the sides, there are places to put locations, which are these long cards here.

So the case may send you to, for instance, South Bank. You add it to your... It's the London Eye. Picture of the London Eye there. And you add it to your... Oh, they've got actual Picture of the London Eye there. And you add it to your... Oh, they've got actual photos of locations in London. Yes, they do.

Little location cards. So they're not all based in London? Are they all based in London? No, this is all London, this game based. I know this is, but wonder if the add-ons take it outside of the city or not.

They take it to like different times and countries. Oh, they do? One set in like a 50s American town. I see. So it's more of a sort of system by which you can play

lots of different scenarios. Well, that's what's interesting about this is that even though these cards are, you know, parts of London, depending on what game you're playing,

there's different characters you meet in those locations or different crimes or different things to explore. But this is the game that comes with the starter pack and it is set in London. The basics,

but with the basics you get five games built in. Already. Five different scenarios, crimes to solve using all the same cards and characters like for instance

all the character cards here 1 to 55 I can see Paul quite likes this game I've had a good time playing this and I thought we'd have a crack at

trying this on this video on this episode sorry we also have in shot the doll versions of ourselves from earlier in the show

there's little me and there's little you. Am I that much shorter than you in real life, I was going to ask. Hello. Hello. I'm a nice girlfriend. It's Paul. It's Paul.

It's a kiss. Oh, yeah. I've wanted to for so long. Look, you're going down on me. Why is it on a towel? It makes it look like it's a crime scene. No, the reason why it's on a towel is because this table is... The board it on a towel? It makes it look like it's a crime scene. No, the reason why

it's on a towel is because this table is on a towel, everybody. Microfiber. Is it going to be spillage of some sort? No, I've put it on there because

You make it wet. Because of the table is quite bouncy and rickety. This just dampens any movements you may make on the board. Say no more. Stop.

Put the dolls down. Am I that much shorter than you in real life? I don't know. I don't think that much. I've got no neck. No, you come past my shoulders. I come past your shoulders. Onto my face. I know, if I've been on the zinc tablets. Zinc don't stink.

So, they're propped up there. I'm going to try. I can't edit yet. If I do some zinc and then I come, it don't sink. Yeah. Right. So this is your evidence board anyway. Everything you collect on the case goes here to help you.

I've got that. Got that. Evidence. The locations go around the outside. Locations. Around the outside. Characters as well. The locations go around the outside.

Yes. Paul, can I just make a point here? Yeah. There's meant to be a location to go there, but that would be off the edge of the table. I don't think in this first level we need to worry about that. You don't go to too many locations, so we're all right. You also have some cards here with forensic experts.

So you've got the criminology center where you'll speak to Marvel criminologists. You'll speak to the scientists. A young Asian scientist. You've got Eric Gloomberry, the hacker, and a doctor who's at the morgue. So anyway, you have all these characters. Lovely stuff. Yes. Locations, cards with characters on which you scan.

Now, here's the thing. So depending on the game you play, each card has a QR barcode on it, right? Which you scan with your app on the phone, which you play with. And that'll give you the clue. Do I get a phone? Do I get to be on my phone?

You're going to use my phone. Okay. And at certain times in the game, Do I get a phone? Do I get to be on my phone? We're going to use my phone. Okay. And if you've got the app on it, yeah. At certain times in the game, you'll have to use this headset. Now, this is a Star Wars one we just got in a charity shop today. You know, it's basically a Google Cardboard. It's a fake little, it's a mini cheap VR set for your phone. And it looks like quite an expensive item,

Paul. How much did you pay for it? One pound. And that's why we're cheap, show. Ka-chang. Right, so you put your phone in there, because I've got the app on my phone. What happens if I look through it now? Nothing. Darkness. Hello, darkness, my old friend. Your stinky dick is at my end.

I can sniff it when I'm breathing. The stink is making me feel heaving. Oh, your soppy droplets dribble upon my chin. No, I can smell it when I'm sleeping. It's making it hard for me to do breathing. That's it. That's it. That's what I said, you prick.

So at certain points, we need to put the phone in here because you will investigate a crime scene. In the Star Wars box. And what, Paul, can I just ask, what does Star Wars have to do with this game? What's the tie-in? Nothing. It's just because. No, but why does it say Star Wars what does Star Wars have to do with this game? What's the tie-in? Nothing. It's just because.

No, but why does it say Star Wars on the box then? Because kids buy it then. Yeah, but what's that got to do with crime? Nothing. Look, I'm saying that on purpose. You've been a prick. These episodes already run long when we get to these segments. Already run long.

And it'd just be nice to get to the meat and bones of it. You know what I mean? To stop all the foffy, boffy, chuff, chuff, noffy, pricky, pricky, pronty bullshit. Oh, frickin', frickin', pronty. I'm ready. I'm ready to play, Paul. Let me just go finish the setup. So, specialist cards with experts.

They're the experts. They're the specialist cards. Location cards where you go to in your mission. Those are the location cards. Character cards. Where you use the QR card. To talk to them, interrogate them, etc. Then you've got these little mini cards.

One has like evidence, different evidence. Those are the evidence cards that go on the board once you collect them. Yes, once you think you've got the right one. So you've got fingerprints,

money, jacket, credit card. I'll come across those as I come across those. You've also got random items, things like furniture, cameras. So if you saw a bottle, for instance, in a scene, you might say,

bottle, I'll look for a card that says bottle. Or you might see a cat, so then I'll pull out the animals card, alright? And these, for instance, in a scene, you might say, bottle. I'll look for a card that says bottle. Or you might see a cat. So then I'll pull out the animal's card. All right? Okay. And these are things you see in a scene that you think might give you clues. Ah.

Right? But I should only use them if I think they will give me a clue. Yeah. If it's just like condom wrapper in the alleyway. Well, it'll tell you if it's useless or not. That might be a clue. That might be a clue. You just don't know.

And also, you've got these other similar cards, which these are like let's say bottles vehicles diy tools if you see it in a scene shout it out and i pull it out and the scenes you see are in the vr game that you put in this little set that you look around and investigate so i've played this it's a cooperative game so you have to have more than one person ideally but it means that you can shout out things you're seeing in a scene vvr and i'll pull the cards out and then you can scan them and investigate them so that's it now it says here chronicles of crime rule book even though on the box it says don't look at the rule book dive right in we're going to try that out in the city of london a team of forensic experts are sent out to crack unsolvable cases homicides robberies unimaginable crimes will not go unpunished proof of evidence and motive is key to locking the

suspect behind bars find the hidden clues in the of evidence and motive is key to locking the suspect behind bars. Find the hidden clues in the crime scene and uncover the trail to the truth. Yes, sir. I am the crime investigator. Mr. Silverman, this is your first case with a cheap show PD. Yes, sir. I've got a PhD in criminology. I wouldn't mind, but this character's not going to last the rest of this segment. No, yes, he will.

Right, okay. Well, I am your boss. I wouldn't mind, but this character's not going to last the rest of this segment. No, yes, it will. Right, okay. Well, I am your boss. I'm PC Silverman. Detective Gannon. Am I detective? Sergeant Gannon. Hello, Sergeant. And you're detective.

I'm detective. Hello, detective. Hello. Are you ready for your first case? I am ready, as always, to serve this country in the name of the Queen and to solve this ruddy crime.

Right, well, the first one we're playing is a tutorial and I've picked the tutorial because it's purposely built. I don't need a tutorial. Please. Please.

Just let the... I've got a PhD. Yeah. I don't need a tutorial. A tutorial is enough for you to get the idea of the game and to give us a little scene to play out, right?

Get the idea. It doesn't take that long. I have the idea how to solve a crime, my good man. Fuck me. Ready? I'm,

now, are you ready? Ready? Right, I'm pressing play. Your first case, difficult leddy tutorial. Discover the game

with this very short scenario. Note, this is not a real case but rather a mechanical introduction. What does that mean? I don't know. Rather a mechanical introduction? I don't know.

Ready? Parental advisory. Mechanics. It introduces the mechanics. It's more about the mechanics. Yes, it walks you through. Mechanics is the? I don't know. Rather a mechanical introduction? I don't know. Parental advisory. Mechanics. It introduces the mechanics. It's more about the mechanics. Yes. It walks you through. Mechanics is the game, isn't it?

Here we go. But there's stuff for me to do though. Seriously, Paul. Yes, there's a lot. Well, I'll keep the camera up. Basically, I'm going to be basically the person who gets all the cards sorted for you. All you have to do is like do the investigation. That's what you're up to.

I'll do the investigating, Sergeant. Right. Here we go. Now that my PhD is what it's in. The case begins now. The app my PhD is what it's in. The case begins now. The app's got music. It's good. Yeah.

Yeah. This is your first case. My first case. Detective Silverman. Do you have the balls? I'm fresh out of a PhD. You can't be fresh out of a PhD. I'm fresh.

Right, I'm pressing play. Right. What's my first thing? Welcome to the Chronicles of Crime tutorial. Next to start. This game is a cooperative game where all players play together to solve a police investigation.

Set up your evidence board, distribute the forensic contacts amongst all players, and let's start. So when you're playing it, everyone can be one of these cards, but we're just going to leave them here for now.

Can I have one? You can have any of them. It doesn't matter because we're not going to use them. Yeah, we are, but usually if you're playing it with a group of people, someone can be in charge

of the hacker or someone can be this forensic doctor. I see, but I'm going to be in charge of all of them. Yeah, well, I'm going to help you with the cards as well. Right, so we've done that.

Let's start. The chief officer is character 33. Pull him from the pack and place him in Scotland Yard. Scotland Yard is this row here. I'll get it for you. Here he is. Here is chief officer. Right, so you're going to put him here on Scotland Yard.

He's not a suspect? No, he is the person you report to when you want to solve the crime. Oh, and he looks like he wouldn't take no shit from me. No. Silverman! Oh, that's just Jimmy Biscuits. Gotta sit on Jimmy Biscuits for a while. You're gonna sit on him?

No, Jimmy Biscuits is currently still, you know, we just don't know. Alright. Dead. Yeah. So, I've placed him in Scotland Yard, so he is now in... Okay, got that. Chief Commissioner. Okay.

Right. And now I put him in one of those slots. That means when you go to Scotland Yard, he will always be there, right? He will be there. He will be there. He works there. He works there. He reports there.

You must go there. I report to him there. Right. Oh, look. It's a picture of the old Scotland Yard. They pulled that down. Yeah. It's these little cards with some nice drawings of the areas you go to.

Oh, I thought they were photographs. No, they're not. They're quasi nice little drawings. There's Greenwich, for another example. Oh, they've used photos to make these drawings, I'm sure. Maybe. Or they've, you know, done a Photoshop. They're quite nice little drawings. There's Greenwich, for another example. They've used photos to make these drawings, I'm sure. Maybe. Or they've done a Photoshop. That is Greenwich.

But that's not there anymore. No, that's the old Scotland. It's old Scotland. New Scotland. Right, here we go. Next. You should now go and talk to him. To do this, you just have to scan the card, the code, the barcode.

Give me the phone. All right. Right, there you go. So you use that thing, camera now, to scan it. You know what, I'm going to do this because I knew you'd be like this. What? You technologically stupid idiot. You're picking up the card.

Is that allowed? Touch and hold to scan. So you had to hold it as well. Well, I didn't fucking know. I'm trying to focus it, aren't I? Ah, exactly. Who's having exactly the same trouble I was? Right, here we go.

Sergeant. Here we go. At last, you're here. I'll do the voices. Ah, you're here at last, I see. I the same trouble I was. Right, here we go. Sergeant. Here we go. At last, you're here. I'll do the voices. Ah, you're here at last, I see. I have a case for you. An old woman, number seven. Pick out number seven from there.

Oh, this is good. An old woman has been found dead. I need you to find out. Oh, look at her. She's an old bird, that one. Oh, you sure it wasn't just, you know. What, old age? Right, where does she go?

Right, wait there. Keep reading. Because we need to find out, don't we? I can see the victim. I need you to find out if it's an actual death or homicide. Oh, we only know she's dead. So you are currently in... We don't know yet. Not yet where she is. Where is she?

All we know is she's dead. She looks dead on the card. You are currently in interrogation mode. The image and the name of the person you're interrogating will appear at the top. So you're now speaking to him. So you can't speak to that person because she's dead. No. Why does she just pop up?

She's dead. You've got to find out where to go and where to put her next. You can interrogate the person on any subject by using the card at your disposal. You have to scan it. How can I interrogate her? She's dead. I know, but we're not interrogating her quite yet. It's just saying you can do that.

Right. You should now have number seven on your board. board okay so you can put number seven there because that's the murder victim so you can put that there i put it there the victim ask the chief officer what he knows about the woman what do you know about the woman you can scan him and he'll tell us we can talk once the case is solved stay focused on your task all right jesus all right ask the police police chief about the victim oh i see I see. So I have to scan the card. So you're in interrogation mode. So when you want to talk to someone about something,

you point it at the card or the evidence. Okay. And then he has a reaction to it. It's like, so basically you scan the card once, and you're locked into that character. And then after that, you can scan any other cards. And we're on him now. Yeah.

So we want to scan her to tell us. Right, so I'm going to scan the victim. So you want to analyze the victim's corpse? Well thought. But you should go to the crime scene and ask the doctor what he thinks of the body. Okay, then. So now what happens is we have to go and talk to the doctor. So find me the doctor card.

So you have to go speak to the doctor. Dr. Jeremy King. Yeah. Here he is. Scan him. Right, here we go. You are in the morgue. And he says, should I do an autopsy?

Yeah. All right. What do you want to do an autopsy on? That corpse. All right, I'll do it. Good. We need to know whether it's a murder, my lad. So here we go.

I've said goodbye to the police one. So now I'm... Oh, hang on. Wrong one. So now I've got to scan the old lady. Scan the old lady. This is the autopsy. Here we go.

Here we go. This is the meat and potatoes. Right, I've just scanned the corpse. Thank you, Doctor. I appreciate it. It's such short notice, Doctor. Thank you, I've been... I know, it's the middle of the night. Oh, chilly in this morgue. It's very chilly. I've seen smells of death. Yes, because it's a morgue full of dead people.

You've got all gore on your hands, Doctor. I have. That's from home. Right, anyway, the woman died around 10.30 yesterday in the evening. Okay. Right. Her heart just stopped. Sounds like a heart attack.

We have found an unusually large amount of digitalis, a poisonous plant residue, which can provoke cardiac arrest. Where? In her blood? Ooh. So now we can go to the evidence and pick out card number four, which is the poison bottle. Ah. But in this instance, it means digitalis.

Digitalis sounds like a sort of poison. Sounds like a dance music band from like the late 90s. We are digitalis. Pull, pull, pull. Fong to you, drop. Fong to you, drop. Fong to you, drop. Digitalis.

Winky, winky, yes. Yes. Right. So now it says the symbol 04 indicates that you found the special subject of conversation. Find it in the special item deck

and reveal it. We've just done that. Does it say digitalis? I just don't think it did say digitalis. Did it really? It did. We'll find out in a minute

when I re-scan it anyway. Fuck's sake. So now you add it to the board which we've just done. It's not digitalis. Do you want to ask him about the poison then? Yes.

Yeah? Say nicely. Please, Doctor, what's this digitalis that you say has been in her heart and has caused her to die? My speciality is medicine, especially of those who no longer move. So basically he's saying that he can't tell you

about the poison because he's just a moron. He's not a poison expert. Do you want to say goodbye to him? Fair enough. Fuck off, Doctor. Oh, you woke me up at three in the fucking morning. Well, you haven't fucking helped me.

You told me this. I told you he died. He died of poison. Well, that's not enough, Orlin. It is. Fucking hell. You used to get service round here. I'm going home to kill my wife.

To go home and sleep with my wife. All right. She's not dead in the bath. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up, Doctor. All right. I've not dead in the bath tub. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up, Doctor. All right. I've got work to do, Doctor.

Thank you. Right. So now we can go visit another person. Who do you like to visit? Who do you think would know about poison? Oh, one of these.

Yeah. So you've got, who have you got? A scientist? Yeah, I think the scientist. I'm gone. Let's go through. It's a criminologist,

a hacker. All right. So scientist. Scientist will know about poison. Let's go see the scientist. What's her name? We need to ask Lu Chin about Digitalis. So you're scanning her and then scanning the poison.

So we've now got Lu Chin and she says, Scientific analysis is the basis of modern investigation. Do you have any evidence for me, Detective Silverman? Yeah, do I? Yeah, you do. It's called Digitalis and there was loads of it in this woman's... Would you like me to scan it, then?

Yes, please, Lou. Yes. If you would. Okay, I'll do it for you. Here we go. You're lovely. Thank you. I'd do anything for you. Good, I mean, I'm a bit... I've watched you grow up all through the ranks, from the bobby on the beat to a sexy detective, and I'd love to just suck your cock. I smell a corpse.

Is that your cock does your cock smell of corpse no it smells love it if you sniff sniff sniff sniff in a big circle you get corpse corpse corpse corpse but in the center cheese no that's the knob i'll scan this then right so she's scanning it cheese cheese cheese Here's, would you like to find, know my findings? Yes, please. Right. Digitoxin or digitalis is a cardiac glycoside extract from a flower

commonly called the foxglove or in Latin digitalis Oh, it's that. I didn't know that. Empyrean. Yeah, foxglove.

I knew that was poisonous. That's all I can help you with on that front, sir. So we're looking for maybe a flower merchant who killed her. Well. Or someone like that.

We can say goodbye and you can scan the corpse and see if there's any information from the corpse, like where she was found and things like that. I need to know that stuff, don't I? Would you like... Is that all for me then? Thank you, Lou. Yes. Can I...

Yes. Can I... Get gone. Corpse-y cock in my mouth. Fine. Now? Yes. I haven't washed.

I know. In several days. I've gone? Yes. I haven't washed in several days. I've gone off it. Smegma cheese. I'd like to have you in a petri dish and examine your drippings. You put some of this

dripping in a petri dish, I'll tell you, Lou, they'll be building bridges out of that dish. They will have reached a higher level of civilisation. They'll be launching rockets to other petri dishes.

Splosh! I've just wet them! I'm so wet, I've got to go home! Bye! Bye, Lou. That was good. That was worth it. So let's have a look at the corpse then, shall we? Let's see what the corpse has to say. How would I know to go back to the corpse? You're getting all these cues on your phone, are you, to what you need to do? You want to analyze the victim's corpse,

we should go to the crime scene or ask the doctor what he thinks of the body. So we... Criminologist. Where did it tell us where the crime scene was? Has anyone we should go to the crime scene or ask the doctor what he thinks of the body. Criminologist. Where did it tell us where the crime scene was? Has anyone told us yet where the crime scene was? No. No, no one has. Maybe let's go back to Scotland Yard and ask the guy. What about the criminologist?

He knows about the crime scene. No, he won't. You've got to bring him in with evidence. What about psychology he is. Right, I'm just going to scan this again. What do you want to talk about next? What's the crime scene? What am I meant to fucking do?

I haven't even, you know, we haven't even established that it was a murder. Oh, okay, here we go. All right, I've asked them about the corpse.

What was the voice? No one. That was it. This woman's name is Anna Taylor. No, the voice of this Yeah, that was her. He's from the West Country.

Her name is Anna Taylor. Okay. She's been found dead in her home in the Notting Hill District. Here's the address. Perhaps you should go investigate. I need to go to the crime scene.

So pull out Notting Hill District from those stack of cards. So it says here, look for the Notting Hill District amongst the London District cards and place them on the evidence board. Put that underneath Scotland Yard if you want. So goodbye. Oh, good boy then, Detective Silverman. Good luck, Sergeant. Go to Notting Hill. I will. Thank you. Here it is.

Have you found it? I found it. We're scanning it now. Here we go. Scan the Notting Hill. You are now in Notting Hill inside the victim's apartment as indicated on the top of the screen because it tells you on the app. Next. Select the actions carefully because time is running out. Every time each scan makes

the clock in the upper right-hand corner move forward. Now, here's what I forgot to tell you. As you get into the proper games, there are time limits. You've got to solve the case in 48 hours or whatever, and it's time. Why? Game time. It's the challenge. That's not like real life.

It's not like real life. Yeah, but the plot sometimes says, oh, you've got to make sure you get this before the bomb blows up. Okay. You know what I mean? It's not a bomb. It's just someone's dead. But all I'm saying is when you stop playing this proper,

every time you scan a crime or do stuff or you go to different locations, it eats into your time. Okay. So there's a time element. I could lose. Could I lose this?

No, you can't lose this at all. It can take you forever to solve it, but you can't lose it. All right. So some locations can be searched. In those situations, a search for clues button appears indicating that there's a possibility

for clues in virtual reality. So let's give it a try. And this is where we can now bring in the VR set. So have that ready. Right, ready? How do I load it? I'll load it in a minute. You just got to pull the flap down the back.

Right, ready? So where's Notting Hill? Right, I'm going to scan Notting Hill so we can go to Notting Hill. Oh, no, we are in there already. So what's going to happen is I'm going to put this phone into this box, right? And when you look into it, you're going to see the crime scene. You're going to be able to look around.

So it'll be a 3D space, right? And I'll describe to you what I'm saying. And you shout out things you think in the scene are important in terms of the case of what you know so far, all right? Are you ready? Because I think you only get like 60 seconds, I think. I'm ready, ready, ready. Ready? Here we go.

Search the scene. I'm putting it in the box. Ready? Here we go. Search the scene. I'm putting it in the box. Right, here we go. Hopefully you can see it. Tell me what you can see. All right, so there's a telephone. Right, telephone. I can see the woman there.

Yeah, she's in the bed. Oh, she's on a chair, a wheelchair. Right. She's got a cat. Okay. There's a telephone. There's two cats. Cats.

There's a telephone there. There's some flowers. Okay, flowers. There's some flowers. There's roses, they look like, though. Okay. He's two cats. There's a telephone there. There's some flowers. Okay, flowers. There's some flowers. There's roses, they look like, though. Okay. He's looking round. Oh, there's another cat.

Oh, she's a bit of a cat lady. Oh, there's, like, she's been playing, like, Patience. And there's another cat. There's, like, six cats in here. Loads of cats. There's six cats in here. Yeah. Is there any, like, food on a table or anything?

There's, like, jams jams. Is that it? Oh, he didn't get long. It doesn't give you long. It's like 30 seconds. I've pulled out animals, plants, food and that's it for now. That's fine for now. Now we're in the location. I've pulled out... The cats have something to do with it. The plants have something to do with it.

And I've picked out food. There was food. You said there was a... Oh, yeah, there was cards. Let me pull that out. Vehicles, cords, papers, DIY tools, computer devices, bottles, communication. Was there anything... Phone.

Telephone, I said, yeah. What else? Bags, firearms, gardening tools, something, I don't know what those two are, but they were there specifically. No games, no cards. No, let me look at this one last pile. Decorative items, organs, games and toys,

keys and... Yeah, games and toys. Oh, yeah. So now I get to scan these bits of evidence for you. So let's do that. Games and toys. And it will tell you if the card's useless, by the way, so you don't waste your time.

You find a classic deck of 52 playing cards. Apparently, it was a pastime for the victim. Yeah, so he was playing solitaire. The criminologist can help you paint a portrait of the profile of the person and put an object into sociological context. Scan the criminologist to call him and then scan the object you want to discuss with him.

So wait there. We can scan all the objects first and then see where you want to go next. That just says she's lonely because she was playing solitaire. That's what it suggests. True, but it could take you to a bridge club with people. So anyway, I'm going to put that. Is that a little clue for me? Maybe.

I'm just helping you. Right, the next item is communication devices, you said. So you said there was a phone. An old corded telephone that still works, you find in the apartments. The hacker can help you with his technical knowledge if you want to know about who she's called or whatever. Oh, I do. So, and again, it says scan the card if you want to go to that. I think that's what I'm going to go to first.

Next is food. They're jam jars. Yeah. You pick up a cream cake, which has been partially eaten. The scientist can help you research the cake. It's full of the fucking poison, isn't it? Is it? I don't know.

Probably not. And then animals. Cats. How many flipping cats? She had eight cats. The cats are dead. That's all the card says. The doctor could help you do an

autopsy of the cats if you want. They're full of the same shit she was full of. Right, and then finally, we've got plants. I'm scanning that. Digitalis. The flowers are dried out and are not any interest in this investigation, so we don't have to worry about that. Excellent. So with that all in mind...

I knew that, that they were roses and they were the wrong species. So with that all in mind, where would you like to go next? I think we have to go for the devices and see if she's made any calls. Right. So in that case... Who has she called? Because we might get a suspect out of this. Yeah.

So let's find out. Give me the person you want to talk to next. The hacker. Come on. Eric Gloomery. I was also right. You didn't keep up the character, the voice. So...

Right. Hold and scan for the hacker. Come on, Eric Gloomery. I was also right. You didn't keep up the character of the voice. Right. Hold and scan for the hacker. Well, I'm sorry. Why point out that floor? Right. Here we go. You've called the IT department. Internet and technology. That's my thing. Yes, I'm PC Silverman. What can I do to help you? I'm investigating a possible murder. Oh,

I've never heard of such things. This is the voice of your hacker, is it? Oh, yes, it is, actually. Very poor. Who is bloody this? I'm Teen Yeti. Don't. Don't do that.

Okay. Come on, then. What would you like? I would like you to track all the calls in the last week made from this number. Oh, I see you've sent me the records. I'll scan them in now for you. If anyone's tapping it at any level, I'd like to get the recordings as well. And I'd also like for you to... Knock me, records. I'll scan them in now for you. If anyone's tapping it at any level, I'd like to get the recordings as well. And I'd also like for you to

knock me job in. Oh. I still can't believe these old things exist. Luckily, it's linked to the usual network with the same usual wires. Yes, as I knew. And I was able to find out that the last call was made yesterday at 6.15. It came from the phone of a

lady called Rose Butterfly. And that is character number nine, if you can pull out of the pack. Here we go. They're all in numerical order. I know they're in numerical order. Because I put them in there before we started. Oh, so yes, she called that lady. Lady Butterfly.

Yeah, you can put her here for now. Oh, there she is. Right. Looks younger. Is that all you want from me now? Not the type of person you'd think would be... What, a murderer?

Friends with someone of that age. Well, we just don't know, do we? We don't know what her relation is. I'm jumping to a conclusion now. I don't like the sound of this, Rose. What's her name? Yeah, she says, I can't speak.

I only give you the evidence. Well, thank you. That's, can I say, you've got a really unusual voice for a hacker. No, thank you. Bye. Bye, thank you. Can I say, you've got a really unusual voice for a hacker. No, thank you. Bye! Bye! Thank you.

You've seen the hacker now. What do you want to do? Where do you want to go next? Because you've got the games and the toys. You've got the animals and the food. We have to go for the food. Alright, so scientist, yeah? We have to get... Yes. Give you the scientist. We have to get a analysis of the food. Right, hello. I'm back again.

Hello, Lou. I heard you wanted to knob the racker, but you wouldn't knob me. No, you did. You remember rightly, Lou, I did let you knob me right off. Did you? Yes. Is that I thought I got a hair in my mouth? Well, you do get quite a few. No, just tiny little thing.

I barely knew it was there. I might as well not have been doing nothing. Well, we're not here to disguise the... What are we here to disguise the skits then, eh? Shut up, Lou. I'm not going to use your services in any sense of the word. I'm the only lady scientist in the whole of London. I'm not going to use your services.

What do you want, anyway? I'm investigating a possible murder, as you well know. I'm not going to use your services. What do you want, anyway? I'm investigating a possible murder, as you well know. I know. I would like you to tell me. What's in this food could be poison, so don't eat any yourself. Right, I'll have a look at this birthday... That's the pack's voice. I'll have a look at the birthday cake for you. Just give me a few minutes.

I'm just... Oh! It's played by Laddie Laddie Maybe Playboplops. Oh! Lady May... I can't do many voices. Ladyplops. Madam Ladyplops. The analysis confirms do many voices. Lady plops. Madam lady plops. The analysis confirms traces of digitalis inside. Fuck! In cake. The quantity might not have been harmful to you or I,

but would have been fatal to an elderly woman like your victim. And a cat? Would it kill a cat? Doesn't matter. So yes, potentially could kill a cat. I'm not a scientist. All right. Oh, wait.

Yes, you are. I'm a scientist. Yes, thank you. That's all I needed to know, Lou, and let's just get this meeting over and done with. Give me that cock! No! Leaving!

Oh, it's gone. Like an ant in the wind. Shut up. Right, where do you want to go now, then? So you've spoken about those two things. You've got games and animals and toys. So you've got the criminologist and potentially the morgue again. Where do you want to go, Detective Silverman?

I think we should go for the criminologist with the games. All right, pass me the criminologist card then. I want a profile of her. Was she lonely? What kind of things? Was she perhaps into fortune reading? Perhaps this woman was her fortune reader. Right, my name is Harvey and I'm a criminologist

and I study the psychological profiles of killers and the history of crime. Can I help you with anything? What do you think of this card game? Don't get meta. No. Oh, you mean the cards? Yeah. I'm asking him about the cards.

This isn't working now. All right, well, let me have a look. He's going to say, this is fucking irrelevant. Right, let's have a look at this card. Oh, interesting. This particular deck is used to play Bridge. It's a game played by players of two, where one partner can become what is called the dummy,

and in some... Why you fucking ask me then? Because I have to do my due diligence. Anyway, in some countries, the dummy is called the dead. Anna Taylor was part of the Bridge Club in Leicester Square. As if anyone would play Bridge in Leicester Square. So that's it, location D.

So you want to pull out Leicester Square now. I certainly do want to pull it out. Excuse me while I pull it out. There are many clues to be found at the climb scene. Leicester Square and Hyde Park, we were there the other day, Paul. Yes, we were, but we're not doing that. We're not going down memory lane right now, Mr. Silverman. Play the game. Pass me...

I've pulled it out. Pass me Leicester Square. There it's there. It's not C. It's the Hyde Park. It's a picture of Hyde Park on this. And not Leicester Square, strangely, yeah, you're right. There, it's there. See, it's the Hyde Park. It's a picture of Hyde Park on this. Right. And not Leicester Square, strangely. Do you want to ask about the... No, let's scan the old lady. Talk to him about that.

Has she got cat hair on it? Right. She's an old lady who grew up during the war and was extremely stingy with her money. Right, I'm getting a picture now. Right, and now this other woman, number nine. Yes, have a look at her. Oh, now, I've done some research on me fact file.

Here's what's come up about this character, Rose. She's a compulsive fighter who will do whatever it takes to get what she wants. She makes her presence loud and clear with her extreme quirkiness. You'll most likely find her at the Leicester Square Bridge Club. That's it. That's all I can tell you. She's suspect number one now.

I'm not going to jump to any conclusion but she's the suspect she's the only suspect in the tutorial so yeah maybe I'll say goodbye then I'm off to Josh we plod alright ploddy

Josh off right so you can either go to the morgue now and look at the animals let's go to Leicester Square you want to go straight to Leicester Square yeah alright let's go

you want to go to the bridge club see if there's anyone around there you go to the a woman number four welcomes you to the bridge club so pull out number four pull out number four scan the character and enter interrogation mode so you that means she is here we go so now you'll be interrogating whoever this character is oh she looks very meek you can put her there for now uh just a few routine questions

uh nothing serious i'm new to the club but if I can help you, please let me know. It's nothing serious. Just a few routine inquiries, madam. Did you know the victim? Oh, let me think. Oh, let me think about her. Have you seen her? How often was she here? Oh, yeah, the old lady, Anna.

Oh, she was the president of the Bridge Club. Oh, she was the president. And we owe her a lot to us We owe her a lot to us We owe her a lot to us We owe her a lot to us We owe her a lot to us We owe her a lot to us

We owe her a lot to us We owe her a lot to us We owe her a lot to us We owe her a lot to us We owe her a lot to us We owe her a lot to us We owe her a lot to us We owe her a lot to us

We owe her a lot to us We owe her a lot to us We owe her a lot to us We owe her a lot to us We owe her a lot to us We owe her a lot to us We owe her a lot to us We owe her a lot to us

We owe her a lot to us We owe her a lot to us We owe her a lot to us We owe her a lot to us We owe her a lot to us We owe her a lot to us We owe her a lot to us We owe her a lot to us

We owe her a lot to us We owe her a lot to us We owe her a lot to us We owe her a lot to us We owe her a lot to us We owe her a lot to us We owe her a lot to us We owe her a lot to us

We owe her a lot to us We owe her a lot to us We owe her a lot to us We owe her a lot to us We owe her a lot to us We owe her a lot to us We owe her a lot to us We owe her a lot to us

We owe her a lot to us So did she. Now you're a detective. When you were PC. Now you're a... Oh, I'd love to have it roll around me on my bottom lip. Oh, really? Like a dirty marble. Oh, come on. Everyone's in love with Detective Silverman. Do you want to ask her about her then? Yes, thank you. I also want to ask about Rose.

Oh, I tell you. Oh, now Rose. Oh, she's very competitive. And she often argued with Anna. Oh, yeah. Because. Oh, now, Rose, oh, she's very competitive. And she often argued with Anna. Oh, yeah. Because they were losing more and more often. Oh. They were partnered, weren't they?

And she was the dead. But they most likely reconciled because Rose sent a cake to Anna only yesterday, you know. She what? Sent a cake? Oh, she sent a cake only yesterday. I mean, the game is over now for me, Paul.

I've discovered what's happened and I think, you know, my underlings can basically take care of it. Do you want to speak to Rose? Arrest her. Do you want to speak to Rose? I can bring her in if you want to speak to Rose. I want to arrest her.

I will directly go, pad it out. Just a bit more drama. We need to interrogate her. Well, we need to go and speak to this Rose woman. All right, bye then. Oh, it's nice. Thank you very much.

Sucking up. You've been extremely helpful. Now I'm Rose. Oh, all right. I do carol voice. That's great. All right, we're practicing for the big bridge tournament right now. Can I help you?

Yes. This woman is dead. Did you send her cake? What was in that cake? Irish stew. Irish stew. Yes, I admit that Anna was a difficult person. And to be honest, she was a bad bridge player.

It's her money that made her president of the club. So I'm just saying. What else did you feel towards her? What do we need to do now? Nothing. Just bear in mind,

you've also got to come up with a motive for this murder. I know, that's what's missing. There's clues missing. You might have to go back to the location. You don't know yet. So, do you want me to ask her

about the cake? Yes. Alright. Ask me about the cake. What do you want to know anymore? She was poisoned with a. All right. Ask me about the cake. What do you want to know anymore? She was poisoned with a cake, and I heard that you sent the cake. Is this true? It's true, I confess.

I sent a cake to Anna in order to get her sick and forfeit tomorrow's tournament. Right. But I never wanted her to die. Okay, that's it. You have solved enough elements to solve the case. Oh, shit. Go back to Scotland Yard and give your report. Da-da-da-da-da.

Right, let's go back to scotland yard and give you a report detective silverman he's solved another one he's detective silverman he's done it you are ready to give your report press the solve the case button press that button good start when you're sure of your suspicions go to scotland yard to give you a report and answer the questions to close the case. All right? I'm ready. Yes, sir.

I'm pressing solve the case. Hello, Sergeant. You're about to solve the case and end the game. Are you sure? I'm very sure I have all the elements. I'm sure you're right about this. Your career is on the line right now. Just, uh, I'm sure.

You've been very reckless in this case. I've heard about all the cock you've had sucked. That wasn't my fault. Everyone involved in this case has sucked your cock. they weren't not all of them some of them or latently the core down the victim didn't set my car we can arrange that we'll walk out the room for five minutes if you want to put it in all right then yeah that's a little bit of a treat if you solve the case i'll let you the corpse oh here we go ready no good i'm glad that came you're gonna be asked a few questions detective silverman answer them by scanning the

appropriate car all right all right i'll tell you what to scan who killed anna taylor it was rose west what's she called well no it's rose valentine but she's a little bit like rose west it's she's modeled on rose west i don't know if that's true. I just think it's coincidence. I'm scanning her. Why was she killed? Because of Rose's competitiveness. She killed her by mistake because she didn't want to lose at bridge. Hang on, let me... You've got to scan a card.

So what card do you think will scan? Why was she killed? What will tell it? It's about the game. It was about bridge. Yeah? I'll use the bridge card then. Games and devices.

And what was the murder weapon? How did she kill her? Food. Scan the food card. It was cake. It was the cake. She sent her a cake. Well done.

I can tell you successfully you have completed this murder mystery successfully, Detective Silverman. Good. And as a result, I get to suck your nubbin. Here we go. It's very sore. The answers you give at the end

can send you back to investigation or provoke a different ending in some cases. But it's always you do it by pointing at a card. I like that. But you did very well. You scored 125

out of 100 which is good yeah suddenly oh my god I can't live with this I didn't mean to kill her I'm gonna

I'm gonna eat the cake I'm gonna eat the cake stop what are you gonna do I don't wanna go to prison I'm scooping the cake out of her mouth I'm gonna go to prison

no don't do it Rose I think the only way I can get the poison out of your mouth I think the only way I can get the poison out of your mouth. I think the only way I can think of to get the poison out of your mouth is to put your poison in my mouth. I'll fucking shoot my poison into your gob. I would like to go on your milky element. Just go over there.

I'll run up here and then I'll do a fucking dunk. Come on, mate. I'll do a dunk and run. Come on, give me a little dunk. I've been a bad girl. Give me a long stretch in prison. I'll do a plunging dunk. Give me a real long stretch in prison.

It's a plunging dunk runner. Give me a real stretch in prison. Put me in the hole. Come on there, love. Next week on Detective Silverman. Everyone wants to suck my dick. in the old come on there love next week on Detective Silverman everyone wants

to suck my dick I am Jaladity Shop Vampire and I will suck your dick until the blood come out your face

oh my god come on press the button Paul there we go ladies and gentlemen that was Gannis Goldgaze

Eli Silverman successfully solved the case well done that was good. I could see that being fun. Yeah. But is it always you playing pairs?

No, you can play in team. You can play in literally a team because everyone's working together. So some people can just be in charge of location. Some people can be a scientist the whole game. Oh, but you could do it with several phones as well at the same time. No, only one phone. But that can be passed around for people to do different tasks.

That's my only thing. It's like people don't like passing their phone around I don't mind because most of the time you're going to do it it's just to scan cards I like that 3D bit that was very impressive

well yeah the VR because it's just a kind of drawing really but it's still it's 360 isn't it yeah I was playing a later game and it's kind of a complicated one

about a diamond heist and that leads to murder was that fun? yeah but like sometimes I'll tell you the only complaint is sometimes

you know the way the evidence is laid out with these cards, sometimes you'll miss a clue because you just don't see it in the image or you can't relate that image to a card you've seen.

It's hard to explain, but like, let's just say it's like, you see a dagger. Yeah. But for instance, for whatever reason, there wasn't a dagger card in here.

But there might be a weapon card or something. But there might be a weapon or there might be a cutlery card because what it actually shows you is a butter knife, not a dagger. So there's some sort of vagueness into the exact terminology.

Yeah, you can miss a piece of evidence because you just don't see it. But, again, you can get expansion packs. Not bad. Not bad. Quite fun. Not bad at all, I think. It's for gamers, though. It's for people who are into, who like a bit of a game.

Yeah, but I can imagine a bunch of us all playing this at night, getting a bit pissed, having a murder mystery, trying to solve arguments about the evidence. No, and I can imagine a bunch of us all playing this at night, getting a bit pissed, having a murder mystery, trying to solve arguments about the evidence. No, and what's it called, Paul? It's called Chronicles

of Crime, and if you ever see it in a second-hand shop or charity shop, get it. I'll snatch it up. Good, innit? Yeah. Right, that's the

end of that segment, and remember, Detective Silverman, crime doesn't pay, but it does get your knobs off. It certainly does. Well, it's been another

successful episode of Cheap Show. It certainly has. And here we are at the end, Paul. And what have you got any thoughts about the show that's just

happened? I thought it was alright. So join us next week for more alright content on Cheap Show, the alright podcast.

Not alt-right. I need to just stress that out. The alright. They don't describe themselves as alt-right. Do they not? No, it's a term. Not alt-right. I need to just stress that out. The all right. They don't describe themselves as alt-right. Do they not? It's a term.

Oh, fuck them. They resent it. Yeah, good fuck them. There's my edgy stance. So right, videos or pictures that accompany this episode will be found on our website, thecheapshow.co.uk. And that website is also your one-stop shop to see some videos, to get links. It's your one-stop shop.

It's your one-stop shop for links to, example, my book. If you want to help raise that, we're at 86%. If you think you want to put some money in. I've started writing a book now. You've written a book now? Lots of characters and interactions.

Have you started writing it yet? Lots of metaphorical themes running throughout. You can go to unbound.com forward slash books forward slash. Dude, it's going to be a cool guy.

Don't interrupt when I'm actually giving out the information. I'm just giving it your height. You do this all the time. I'm giving it your height. Email us at thecheapshow. And you go, I didn't say ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff.

I didn't say ruff, ruff. I wouldn't say that. Shut up while I just give information out there. You know what I mean? I don't have to do anything else this show, do I? Yeah, you have to shut up. All right. And after I've done that, what do I do then?

Suck my chard. No, come on, Chardney. Rob's off. Unbound.com forward slash books forward slash ghosts to find out about the book I want to write and maybe if you'd like

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and the sticky album's coming yes that's excellent the sticky album is coming can't wait for that also Tony's awesome art website with designs aplenty. So you can click on Tony's Redbubble page to get exclusive, really unique, wonderful art.

And then the Cheap Show magazine, you can also order print copies of that on our website through the pages. And also, if you want to and send the stuff for the show, for us to eat, play with, listen to, view, whatever you can do, send it to our P.O. Box. Why can't I say P.O. today? I've been going P.O., P.O., P.O., P.O. It's P.O. Box 1309 Harrow HA19QJ. That's P.O. Box 1309 Harrow HA19QJ. Yeah, he remembered it. Oh, I thought I was going to catch him out then,

but he's proven me wrong. We're on Instagram. We're on Facebook. If you can just find us on Cheap Show, easy, you'll find us. And finally, Twitter. At the Cheap Show pod,

I'm at PaulGannonShow, and Eli is... Eli... What am I? Snoid. Eli Snoid. And a twat. E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D

yes and you can follow us on there we're quite chatty there's a reddit page as well if you want to have chats with all the cheap show cheapskates having a discussion

about our episodes I don't know either I'd rather live in the dark with just the drip drip drip of my milky element a drip trap dripping upon me toe

look he's trying to do a funny bit now he's done the fucking I've got to wrap it up with a laugh haven't I I've got nothing I've had nothing you I's done the fucking... I've got to wrap it up with a laugh, haven't I? I've got nothing. I've got nothing.

You, I know. You've seen it. I've heard the rumour. You've heard the rumour. I've got a small dick. It looks like a thumb on an elephant's back. Just stop it. It's over.

It looks like a jelly bean on a big man's chin. It looks like a tardigrade on a Petri dish. It looks like an Anton on a space man's chin. It looks like a tardigrade on a Petri dish. It looks like an ant on a space hopper. It looks like a microchip on a space bouncer.

What are they called? It looks like a tiny sad dick. Space hopper. Yeah. Like I said, just before you were thinking about the word, what is it?

Space hopper. Space hopper. Here comes the space hopper. Murderer. And on that note, let's say goodbye, boys and girls. Goodbye, boys and girls. Miss the boys and girls about the word what is it space hopper space hopper here comes the space hopper murderer and on that note let's say goodbye boys and girls goodbye boys and girls

miss the boys and girls and miss his ladies and gentlemen thank you for joining us see you next time on Cheap Show goodbye