CheapShow - Ep 209: The 2nd Annual Office Christmas Party

Episode Date: December 18, 2020

Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays! It's been an odd, difficult year and to celebrate getting through 2020, it's time for Paul & Eli to have their 2nd (OK, not completely annual) Office Christmas Party! After Eli ruined the first office party, Paul has taken it upon himself to arrange the venue himself. However, this super stylish, modern high tech home could be more trouble than its worth... Especially considering the home’s owner and the company Paul used to hire the venue! Apart from that, it's "eat, drink and be merry" as the Cheap Chaps dive into a Xmas Party on a budget. They tackle novelty snacks, cheap "retro" alcoholic classics and all sorts of other Christmas food. Also, gifts! What did Paul & Eli get each other for Christmas, sourced from the finest charity shops in London? You can find out just HOW disappointing they are. As the drinks flow and the booze takes it evil toll, just how loud, vulgar and explosive will this episode be? Find out in a packed episode! HO HO HO! (Episode contains more bad language than usual. Be Warned!) And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-209-2nd-annual-office-xmas-party If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Also, you can NOW see Eli star in "Ashens & The Polybius Heist", download it from here: https://www.watchpolybiusheist.com MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Paul is writing a book! Want to help make it happen? https://unbound.com/books/ghosts/

it could be christmas every day oh i just get it all the foods out nice little bowl put it over there. Yeah, we've got all the drinks laid out, the booze, got the Christmas decorations up. Oh, it's all exciting. Oh, I tell you. Oh, I love Christmas, me. And this is going to be the best Christmas Officeworks do ever. I've got a nice place set up, lovely atmosphere. It's so Christmassy.

I'm just waiting for Eli to turn up now. Oh, it's the ruddy door. I better go get it. Hi. Hello, Eli. Come on in out the cold and the wind and the rain. You know what? It's cold outside.

It's mouth noisy out there, that's for sure. It's very mouth noisy. It's very mouth noisy outside. So come in. What's all this? Whose party is this? It's our Christmas works do, mate. This is what I'm saying.

I thought we were here to do a podcast. We are, mate, but it's our works do. We're going to do both. You know about what my rule is since last year? What's your rule? Can't drink and do the podcast. You can. I get a bit open.

I've only got a few little drinks. Do you want me open? Do you want me wide open? Merry Christmas, Mr. Gannon. I'm getting Christmas wide open. Is that what this is? Have you got those Rohypnol wipes? No, what do you mean wipes?

Well, to show if there's Rohypnol smeared in the glass in a jelly form. No, there's no Rohypnol. Jelly form Rohypnol. There's nothing like that. There is jelly form Rohypnol in my glasses. Okay, so last time when we had our party, right, we did it in the House of Pickles and it was massively... That was a good one. No, it wasn't because... That was a good one.

Who's the host with the most Elias? He'll bring you the wine. He'll bring you the food. You spent £250 on a venue we used day in, day out. So I never saw that £250 again. It was very suspicious. It went for costs.

So also... All a lot of costs, Paul. Your presents were shit, I seem to remember. And it was an overall underwhelming experience. On the presents front. This year, I have outdone myself. I've got you not one, not two, Paul. Yeah.

But three. Three presents. Great. And you can guess the price. It counts as a price to shite as well. Oh presents. Great. And you can guess the price. It counts as a price a shot as well. Oh, fuck off. Price-o, de shot-o. I don't want to do anything.

Tits on a man-o-benton, price-o, de shot-o. I don't want to do any segments. It's a shot-o. What, the price-o? We're not... We'll do a call and response. I go, it's the price-o. And you go, what, the shot-o?

Go on, then. Oh, it's the price-o. And you go, what, the charter? Go on, then. Oh, it's the price-o. No. Oh, you party pooper. Come on, this is the one point of the year, the one episode where we get to let our hair down. And I might do that quite literally. Literally.

Literally. I might literally. Laboratory. Laboratory. Laboratory. Laboratory. But if you say laboratory, it sounds like you're saying I have a Labrador

and a Tory Labrador Tory Labrador I think someone's made that joke maybe a laboratory I'm going to do it now laboratory

yeah but there's no context I don't care no but what's the the set up is what happens if you take Michael Gove into a

a pet shop yeah he buys a laboratory. No, it's not very good at all. So my outer context. Look forward, dear listener, to more of this on the show today. Oh, he wants to do it. Let me just say, right, that I've rented this place out, right? This is a nice posh house. It looks quite nice, actually, yeah.

Yes, it's a very nice, posh location. I thought we'd keep it classy. So we've got some nice, classy food and drink, you know, all on a budget. We'll have a nice... Because this house is like... What's it, Airbnb? Just for the party?

Do they do that? Yeah, no, Airbnb can let you have a house. It's massive, isn't it? This isn't Airbnb. This is one of those kind of knock-off Airbnbs. Knock-off Airbnb? What? It could be dodgy.

I've heard some dodgy things about those, Paul. Yeah, this one's all right. It's called Air... Should have just given me. Air what? Air Braff and B. But it's Air spelled H-E-I-R. Right.

Oh, Air. I am the Air to the... Yeah. Not as in Herr Führer. Air B. Air B. And Roth. I think it says there.

Yeah. Air B and Roth. Oh it says there Airbnb and Roth oh I'm gone let me have a look at this why can't you just go to Airbnb Airbnb and Roth it's a subsidiary of Brandoff Enterprise

it's Brandoff I'm fucking you've hired the venue from Brand off Well not directly I didn't know it was One of his subsidiary companies Well he's got fingers

In every pie He's the That's why he's in prison Yeah Because he had too many fingers In too many pies Yeah but the tentacles Are still there

And they've got Their own neurons in Did you know that An octopus's brain Is spread out And a lot of their neurons Are actually in the arms So their arms can think

Independently Oh Christ Of the whole system Paul And that's how And a lot of their neurons are actually in the arms. So their arms can think independently. Oh, Christ. Of the whole system, Paul. And that's how Brandoff's empire works from behind bars. His tentacles do their own work. You know what I mean? Yeah, no, I'm getting a very vivid image. Yes, and we don't want to be in the grip of one of his tentacles no more.

We're here now, aren't we? And it's a nice place. This whole house is a fucking big sucking tentacle pod. It's a modern space. Is there house is a fucking big sucking tentacle. It's a modern space. Is that all the latest modcon century? It's even got an inbuilt AI. Listen, hang on.

Hello, Randolph. Hello. How can I be of help? Could you turn the lights down just a few, a little bit? Turning lights down? No, I want a smell of baked bread, just a whiff, as in it was coming over a courtyard in a Mediterranean garden. As you command.

Oh, that's... Oh, isn't that nice? Oh, it's like focaccia. I'm going to get used to this. Is there anything else right now? No, thank you. No, thank you. Robot house.

Robot house. Thank you for looking after us today Anyway let me show you around The house It's really nice Oh here we go Grand tour There's the kitchen

Call it the grand tour Alright I'm taking on a grand tour Do I get to go on the grand tour? Yes you do Oh this is good That's what we used to call it That's what you get to do You get to go on the show

On Amazon Prime Starring Jeremy Clarkson You get to go on that grand tour That's what we used to do When people used to show people around the house. Oh, yeah. So they give you the grand tour. Yeah.

Come on. It's like, no, Nan. I've been here five times this year. Yeah. God, you were at your Nan's a lot, weren't you? I was, actually, as a kid. Because they were near the shops and so we'd all get dropped off at my Nan's.

Was she in a sort of modernist block? She was in, yeah, one of those estates built in the kind of early 80s. Oh, really? Yeah. So, you know, they're meant to be a little bit more kind of easy on the eye. A bit more lonely, yeah. But they're still a bit...

Anyway. Now, Paul has reached that point in the intro to the podcast, as is traditional, and he's lost the will to do the rest of the podcast. So, Paul, what have you got to drink? I'm already drinking because I can't be dealing with this. Well, I might just have a little Hennessy then.

Who's he? He's McKennessy and he's passed it over to me. Anyway, listen, look, let me take on a grand tour of the house. Oh, right, let me just pour this.

All right, pour that out. Oh, there's some brand off. We don't need to even get up. Brand off has got a whole liquor cabinet there. I know, but we can't touch that stuff. That's not ours.

We can't. There's a lot of expensive art. Look, everybody, I'm winking. I'm winking at Paul. Yeah, we can't touch it. we can't touch that stuff. That's not ours. We can't. There's a lot of expensive art. Look, everybody, I'm winking. I'm winking at Paul. Yeah, we can't touch it.

We can't touch that stuff. No, you're absolutely right, Paul. I'd have to pay extra. Who cares?

I'd have to pay extra. He's in jail. Who cares? It's not his house. I refuse to pay him.

It's just his company. It says Air Brandoff. It's probably his kid. Do you know if he had any kids?

I don't. He might have. Brandoff Jr. Eric Brandoff. No, don't. Stop. We're not. Ivankaolph. No, don't. Stop. Ivanka Randolph. We are not doing that.

We can't bleed anymore. These characters off into their own spin-offs. This week's not about characters, Paul. It better not be. It's about me and you

having an office Christmas party. Yeah. Let's go upstairs then if you want to show me the rest of the house. Okay, so there's the kitchen over there. It's fine. Mod con. There's an oven then if you want to show me the rest of the house. Alright, so, okay, so there's the kitchen over there.

It's fine. Mod con. There's an oven in there that will do a chicken in like half an hour. It looks like it would do a political or business enemy as well.

What does that mean? Well, you could fit a person in there. Why would you want to put a person in there? Brandoff, because he fucking Brandoff incinerates people.

Brandoff did not incinerate anyone in his modern kitchen. He fucking did. It's not modern. It is modern. It's a fucking coffin shape. No, that's one of those fancy modern ones

that look like an old one. You could fit two pigs in there back to back. You could get two pigs who were six to nine-ing each other. Can you imagine the veg my mum could put in that?

Oh! Look at the... Think of the marrow she could slowly slide in. You could get one of those record-breaking marrows on some kind of trolley, a special...

A gurney. Yeah, a gurney. Marrow on a gurney. And then one of your relatives, doesn't matter which one, doesn't matter about their gender either. All right.

Just a bunch of your relatives in nightgowns. Yeah. Just roll it, trolley it in. Yeah, trolley it in. Put the gas on. Yeah.

And then just, what, slowly ease it in. Do they have to lube the edges of the door? You just oil it up a bit with some salt and olive oil. All right. So then you just squeeze it in. Where are you? You don't have to squeeze it in do they have to lube the edges of the door you just oil it up a bit with some salt and olive oil and then you just squeeze it in

where are you you don't have to squeeze it in you just pull it in anyway and I'm not even there I'm upstairs you just tell me

exactly when you're going to do it and then I go right okay good to know are there any bedrooms upstairs where I can lurk

and wait for people in your family to put oversized vegetables into ovens let's move on because we've covered the into ovens? Let's move on. Because we've covered the oven material now, so let's move on from the oven material. Well, we have to have some time. I thought this conversation we're having,

we'd be walking across the room, this big room, and we're looking at the stairs. Are you taking me upstairs now? I'm going to take you upstairs now. Let's go up the stairs. Okay. It's quite steep, aren't we? It's quite grand. Yeah. Marble. Creaky. Creaky marble. Okay, so there's the bathroom.

There's the toilet. Got anything to say about that? Got a nice bidet? No, wait. That's the toilet and that's the sink. It's hard to tell with these. Or is that the bidet and that's the toilet and that's the sink? There's about eight different bum washing or ball dunking.

Or shit. Shaking. Shit raking. Shit raking. the sink there's about eight different different bum washing or ball dunking or shit making shit raking shit raking shit harvesting spraying there's a big shower spraying the whole room is one big shower by the way it's a wet room it's a wet they call them yeah so i'm very wet yes i like wet rooms no gag just i like wet rooms you prefer that if the shower's open plan like that. Yes, I do. I like to walk in the mist. Dear? Would you like me to turn the water on?

No, no, no. We're all right. Robot house. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Merry Christmas. Thank you very much, robot house. You will die. What?

So we need to... Okay, so we can turn left at the stairs. Right, there we are. So there's the master bedroom. You see there? You see there's the big round bed. This is where the magic happens. And there's all the mirrors on the ceiling.

This is where the magic happens. And the mirrors on the walls and on the floors. There's actually quite a lot of mirrors everywhere in this room. Have you noticed that? Yeah, it's very mirrored. And there's a table made of glass. I wonder what that's for. What can you imagine you could do with a table? And there's a pillow made of glass. What's that for? What can you imagine you could do with a table?

And there's a pillow to rest your head. There seems to be a sort of limousine motif in all the designs. There is a strange motif. It's funny. There's sort of like headlights at the end of the bed like that. Yeah. It's funny as well. There's like a little statuette of the, like, that's the Rolls Royce, the silver spirit.

Yeah, I see these kind of as the motif, isn't it? The little leaping dog. It's all either glass. Leaping dog? What's on the front of a roller's voice? What's the little statue? I just said that.

You literally are not listening to a single word I've said. I've just pointed out the statue there. The silver spirit. Right. It's the bird with her wings behind her head.

Right, okay. Not a bird, sorry. A lady. Oh, it's a lady. It's a little sprite. A feminine sprite. Oh, like a fairy., a feminine sprite. Oh, like a fairy. Imagine a feminine sprite.

Imagine. Yeah, easily, like Tinkerbell. No. How is that funny? No, imagine like it was. Imagine it's like Pepsi

started going to sort of cleaning products with the female body. So you're thinking it's more of a brand name for some feminine fanny wipes. Yes. Right, great.

So I'm glad we got there in the end. If Sprite did start, because you do get like crossover flavour things. Imagine they did Sprite fanny wipes. Fanny Dr Pepper.

Or you could have some kind of mechanism where you open a can under your, yeah. Like a douche. Douche in a can. Yeah, but it looks like a tin of cola. Yeah. So you can under your, yeah. Like a douche. Douche in a can. Yeah, but it's like, it looks like a tin

of cola. Yeah. So you can make your fanny smell like a soft drink. Why would anyone want that? Why would a lady

want her fanny to smell like 7-Up? I'd quite like my knob to smell like Dr. Pepper. Wouldn't be a bad, would be a result. I once had my

knob sucked by a man called Dr. Pepper. I thought at the time, what's the worst that could happen? Yeah, it's happening. Seven years. Yeah. Oh, God. He bit your knob off, did he?

Well. That's the worst that could happen, if you're actually getting hit from a guy called Dr. Pepper. To be fair, he had a stroke and he bit down. Yeah. I was just on the receiving end. Yeah. But you know what? We all laughed it off at Christmas.

Right, so are we going to go on this grand tour more God Hang on This could be the worst episode ever What's this button Something's rising out of the ground It's a weird Kind of like

It looks like a kind of gymnastics horse But with spikes And a wobbly dildo coming out the top What's good there Yeah it's obviously you know It's a party house isn't it It's a party house I guess But it must be for the more It's, that? Yeah, it's obviously, you know, it's a party house, isn't it? It's a party house, I guess,

but it must be for the more. It's designed for fun. Yeah. All right, let's leave. Let's leave. Let's leave. I don't think that worked, that bit with the horse. Oh, look, and there's another small room.

That's strange. I don't know. It just looks like it looks like his mother lived here once and he hasn't touched it in about 20 years. He never talks about his mother. That's weird.

Look, you can see everything's tidy. The bed's made. It looks like it hasn't been years. He never talks about his mother. That's weird. Look, you can see. Everything's tidy. The bed's made. It looks like it hasn't been touched. There's dust everywhere in here. And look, on the bed, there's a corpse. I didn't expect to see a... That must be his mum.

A corpse in a nightgown. Yeah, that's his mum. She's got a little sign around her head, the Duchess. Why has she got no teeth? It's the Duchess. What happened to the teeth? Well, it looks like her whole mouth's been replaced with some kind of... A bit of latex.

I don't know. What is going on? Inverted flesh pipe in her mouth. What's going on? I don't understand this. It's not a good room. And it smells of lavender in here as well. The Duchess's room is not a good room.

Yeah, lavender and wax. I don't know. It's hard to explain. can we should we i'm gonna go let's just go down let's just go back downstairs all right let's go right let's uh let's just come down and see. I'm trying just to forget what I just saw in that room. You know what? I mean... I should have looked around before.

What was that thing? That was a corpse. It had a fucking hole put into its dead mouth, Paul. This is what we've uncovered. Look, I think the best course of action here is to completely ignore and refuse to answer any questions on the content of that movie.

There's a whole floor up there. Yeah, but that's got a padlock on. It's more like an attic space. It's got a padlock on? Well, it's got a keycard thing. Well, I don't know. All I know is that it's got a keycard-y thing, padlock-y thing, so I can't... That's where he's killed his kids and put them up there, hasn't he?

No. He's got his kids living up there. I don't know. Well, I would have heard them... With robot mates. I would have heard them scampering about. I've been here a few nights and I would have heard them scampering about

and I've heard nothing. All I've heard at night, sometimes you hear a... Oh, yeah? But that could be the central heating or something, I don't know. That sounds like central heating. Yeah, you know what I mean?

I don't think it's anything particularly supernatural. What have we got then to pass the time here? Well, I just thought, relax, we've got a few drinks, haven't we? We've had a few bevvies. This is maybe the office party. So where's everyone else who works for Cheap Show? I've got, well, it's just us. We had this gag last time, mate.

It's just me and you. And you were going, who's the editor? And I was like, it was me. Who puts it up online? Me. Who does the website? Me. You know, the problem is you've listened to our last Christmas party episode right before

doing this one. Yeah. So you're going to keep going. So I now know what to stray away from and how to improve this episode. All right. What should I do? More quality. You tell me what to do.

More quality. Be more better funny, man. It's very simple. I know. I'm trying. All right. Stop banging on the table. What did i just say before we started no bangy bangy can i have something to eat now please yes we've got i've got some snacks and

drinks now obviously it's christmas and we're on a budget and so some of the things i've got today are from iceland and i thought would you like a drink mr silver. Silverman, to start off with? Oh, right. It's Christmas, so let's have a bottle of lovely Frizzini, which sounds like a classy product. Frizzini Bucks Fizz. You're spoiling me. Making your mind up. You can literally almost see that on a pavement with chunks of carrot in it. You can.

It's smashed in the corner of a car park with vom yeah yeah that's what it is well let's try some then it's this is what you know what's strange bucks viz is paul let me i know but let me before you tell me because i do want to it is related to what i'm about to say right yeah so it says it's vague on the back which is what i don't understand it says of delicious and refreshingly fizzy alcoholic drink made with zesty orange juice and i'm thinking why not tell me what the alcoholic drink is because it isn't one because what is a book's fizz champagne and orange juice but wouldn't this say champagne and orange champagne there's not a list of ingredients on this no it's that cheap that

they haven't even bothered to mix it with wine. They've just gone, they've got fizzy water, orange juice and then they've, in a chemical way, made it alcoholic. Do you see what I mean? I see what I mean. There's some process. Yeah. But it didn't start with anything like wine because it's too cheap. How much was this? This is £2 for a

75, what's CL? Centilitre. Centilitre. 75 centilitre bottle. 75 is your standard. It's one below a litre. And it's 4% vodka whole. It's basically your standard bottle size. Yeah, yeah, your standard. Two-person bottle size.

Now, I remember growing up as a kid at Christmas, this always came out. I never saw Bucks Fizz apart from at Christmas. But it was probably the same. The band Bucks Fizz. Yeah, making your mind. They always came round to my house at Christmas. Did they?

Yeah, it was very strange. I remember when one of them died or something and they had to pick another one. No, no, what happened was they were in a coach crash and one of the guys had severe brain injuries which affected his mood and personality which made him more angry and violent. Talk about making your mind up.

Now he's in the land of make-believe. And that's all the songs I know of Bucks Fizz. Did he go walk around with trousers that he could pull off? Well, that was the thing. We booked them for the show, and we had to ask them to leave, because at some point he was chasing my mum around, trying to rip her knickers off. And I was like, come on, mate, calm down.

You're not in Bucks Fizz now. Cheryl Baker, meanwhile, fucking necking the Lamborghini. Just chugging it. Cheryl Baker on the Lamborghini. Yeah, going, I'm so bald. I don't know what she was up to. Is she bald? No, but remember she wasging it Cheryl Baker on the Lambrini yeah going I'm so bald I don't know what she was up to is she bald

no but remember she was on those adverts on the tube where it was like I lost my hair and now I use this stuff and now I don't now I have hair

anyway so this is it so it is pressurised it comes with a you know a twist cap would you like to do the honours now have you ever

had an actual proper one real life I have. When I lived in LA. You get a glass of champagne and they just top it up with a bit of orange juice. When I was in LA,

I had some quality books. Well, the thing is, it's not a classy drink. You know what I mean? If you were drinking good champagne, you wouldn't want to ruin it with some orange juice. That's the point.

It's the screwdriver of champagne. It's like fucking stick orange juice in it. Gin and orange juice. Vodka and orange to ruin it with some orange juice. With orange juice, no. That's the point. It's the screwdriver of champagne. It's like fucking stick orange juice in it. Gin and orange juice, vodka and orange juice, champagne and orange juice, beer and orange juice. Yes.

Well, it's similar to what they call sangria, right? That's like orange juice and red wine, I think. Yeah. And so it's just like, it's a way of, you know, watering down here.

Well, look at the cork. It's a fake plastic knob on the top. It's real bad. Is it going to pop, though? Well, I don't know. You twist the bottle, not the neck. No, it's a cork It's a fake plastic knob On the top It's real bad Is it going to pop though? Well I don't know You twist the bottle Not the neck

No it's a twist It's a fake one It's actually a twist Oh is it? Just be careful It's going to foam up Oh it's got a fucking Screw cap on

What a load of shit This is so cheap show man Mate It's a fake knoblet It's the most This is going to be Poor That You know what I reckon it'll have A sort of A fake sweetener taste It's so cheap show, man. Mate, it's a fake knoblet. This is going to be poor. You know what?

I reckon it'll have a sort of fake sweetener taste. Like a kind of diet lemon drink kind of thing. Yeah, yeah. That is depressing. The pointlessness of adding... It's like a piece of plastic as well. It's a piece of pure waste just to make it look a bit like you've got a cork on the bottle. It's the equivalent of putting a paper hat on

and going, I'm the fucking queen now. Yeah. It's a waste of resources this planet doesn't have. It's a bit disgusting, isn't it? They could have just

had the screw top and go, look, it's cheap. It's a screw top. Where did you get this? What's this? This is Iceland. But again,

you don't really get classy books first. It's always this kind of shit. Oh. What? Oh, it smells like dog piss honestly

there's an ammonia oh it does smell a bit like dog piss do you know what I mean it smells like dog piss

and like Haribo it's the strangest thing just a very small amount for me please oh mate what's the ABV

there's absolutely no fizz to it as well. You know, like with champagne, you get that. No, it's already gone. Oh. Well, no, there is some fizz. I heard there's some fizz. Oh, look, mate.

Right, here we go. Taste test. Bucks fizz. £2, I think, £2.50 in Iceland. Here we go. What's the ABV? What do you mean, the ABV? How alcoholic is it?

I told you about 15 minutes ago. Could you tell me again? Please pull them in. Nah. Come on. It was 4%. Four? Yeah.

Oh, that's way low as well. Yeah, it's not that much. Oh, this is piss water. Oh, God. Yeah, that's really unpleasant. That tastes of nothing. Anemic. I've even had shit, books books fizz that taste better than that

yeah anemic there is nothing to that it tastes like Fanta yeah but not as nice well I don't like

Fanta all that much but you're right you can taste the ass partini whatever it's called partini you can taste

the sweetener he's going for it though he's going for it I put too much in then I realised I need the cup again for the next

just go for it mate you know you got some catching up to do that's horrible that's the kind of piss you can get that your kids drink and they can pretend they're drinking alcohol i know but they would get mommy gave me box fizz if you chugged that whole thing it'd be like drinking a um a horrible beer a pint of weak beer sort of in terms of how drunk you'd get it's not worth it oh well all right that's not a it. Well, all right. That's not a success, but what I have got in my back pocket... Oh, God.

Oh, God. It's just horrible. It tastes like shit Fanta. Yeah, it's shit. That's a shame. That's if you're having hordes of relatives over and you just want everyone to have a glass. Hey, everyone.

Do you want a bottle of vague alcohol orange drink? Yes. Yes, please. It's Buck's Fizz. It's Buck's Flat. And just like Buck's Fizz, it was popular in the 80s and now it's just pathetic.

It's nasty. That is not worth existing. Everything about that whole product is abhorrent and Iceland should be ashamed of themselves. Right, I've got a plan B now, mate. Oh, God. Oh, God. Something with a bit more bollocks.

Oh, God. Something with a bit more hoo-ocks Oh God Something with a bit more Hoo-ha-da-boo-bah When you think of classy Um 80s drinks That set a precedent For a style and sophistication

In 80s nightclubs Asti Asti spumante God You've got It's fizzy enough now isn't it I saw that coming Oh

I saw that coming Baby Sham Baby Sham Is this On brand Baby Sham Or knock off Baby Sham This that coming Baby Sham Baby Sham is this on brand Baby Sham or knock off Baby Sham this is actually Baby Sham

it's got the little bouncing deer on it does and there were TV ads for that do you remember that yes it was always

when they had the cinema always they'd advertise it it was I seem to remember at the cinema but the word TV advert I was aware of Baby Sham from a very early age

because the adverts were always like some kind of trendy nightclub type set and then someone goes blah blah blah I'll have of Baby Sham from a very early age. Because the adverts are always like some kind of trendy nightclub type set. And then someone goes, blah, blah, blah. I'll have a Baby Sham. And everyone goes, a Baby Sham? Yeah, and it's like, oh. It was like punk.

They were trying to say it was like punk to order a Baby Sham. Do you know what it actually was? And it would sort of upset the olds if you had a Baby Sham. Upset the gentry. But the thing is, no. What Baby Sham is, is it is the Skoda of drinks. Where it's like... What is the actual cocktail?

Like, you know, like Bucks Fizz, it's a basic cocktail that underlies it. Champagne and orange juice, yeah. So what is the Baby Sham? What is it? I think it's brandy and champagne. This just says, original, refreshing, sparkling peri. Oh, it's peri, which is... Apple wine.

Yes. Yeah, that's what it is. Let me, I can't even fucking... It's apple wine. It's apple champagne. Peri with sugar and sweet Yes. Yeah, that's what it is. Let me, I can't even fucking remember. It's apple wine. It's apple champagne. It's a peri with sugar and sweetener. Oh, dear. It's an apple wine.

It's a sweet apple wine. You see this on the neck. It says, the happiest drink in the world since 1953. It's cider. It's cider. In it, yeah. It's cider in a can, so it is.

It's cider. It's cider, yeah. You know what makes me happy with cider? It gets me randy and fizzy like old scum. Do you know what I was last night? Where were you last night? I was in cider. Were you in cider?

Were you deep in cider? I had to brush off a spider, and then I got right up in cider. Oh, right. That's really impressive. And then I drank a cider. Yeah, you've had a cider in cider on a cider bike. So, the thing is, it's kind of- And I watched an episode of Minder. so the thing is and I watched an episode

of Minder but the thing is and it was about a spider you can now stop that no it was about a spider yeah and then spider was crawling around

all around a boat the boat was called the Mary Celeste and then the spider climbed in cider there we go he's all done now ladies and gentlemen

you can oh fuck off carry on listening. Oh, come on. Baby sham this. Baby sham that. Fucking... Hey, robot house.

Stop touching the microphone, you fucking rancid twats. Robot house. Yes, Eli. Got any secret rooms or anything? Let me search the data banks. There are secret rooms. Oh, that's good. Thank you.

Eli, you will die tonight. What? I don't know what she's saying. Is this going to be another murder plot? No, actually, you know what? Hang on. Hang on. Eli.

Yes, Robot House. You scared me a bit. I love you. Okay, I love you too, Robot House. There we go. It's all happy. It's all happy and nice Merry Christmas

so what we do Baby Sham so Baby Sham yeah Sparkling Perry in the 80s it was kind of like a joke drink wasn't it almost

it kind of was desperately searching for an identity to kind of make it classy but then it got a reputation like something like you know

Mad Dog 2020 or Thunderbird or Two Dogs just a drink a cheap drink that people use expressly young people maybe to get drunk drink a cheap drink that people use expressly young people maybe

to get drunk with a cheap shit get drunk but not trampy this is fine it's the young person getting drunk sort of illicitly

rather than the old tramp but it's not like you know like what's that diamond white or it's not like that that's more street person sort of

we all drank that in the woods everyone kind of has that mine was Tenet Super, which is the worst booze of all time. We did that on Cheap Show. It was a fucking conter.

Yeah, it was like a proper vom maker. It's so super wheaty and sweet. That is Tom Clancy's The Vomit Maker. Come on, Eli. Bring it in. All right, mate. It's not that good. I know.

Oh, well, I'm just trying to liven up the party, Paul. What else are you going to say about this baby sham? That's it. The next thing, I think all we need to do now is taste it, because I've never had baby sham. Have you ever had it? Indeterminate. I know.

I don't think I've ever had it. I can't remember it, but I'm sure I may have tasted it. But I'm excited to taste it, in many respects, because it feels like it's a rite of passage. You get it in small bottles. Now, this, I think, is going to have a stronger ABV. It should. It's 5.5, I think.

Is that all? Yeah. But this is what I mean. These are kind of like appetites. Yeah, 5.5s. The equivalent of like a, what is it, a wine spritzer. It's a spritzer. Yeah.

That's exactly what it is. So Eli now is unfolding it. I think they will have a cap it looks like it has a proper thing on it god at least have a fucking proper cap because that mate you can put that on the tip of your penis

and it would look like it would look like your chef penis it's like a little chef's hat for a bottle it's fucking yeah look at that that's the real deal

there we go a proper cork this might be quite nice who knows bit of peri at least at least I think it will taste like an alcoholic drink.

I need a waste glass for this. Just down it. Drink it. It's only a little bit. I only put a little bit in. Job done. Horrible fizzy piss. That actually tastes of dog piss. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? That dog piss here. It's very dog pissy. I don't know why I know what dog piss tastes like.

That was going to be my next question. Here, I'm unscrewing it. I'm pointing it away at some of the very strange, disturbing artwork in this place. Right, so he's twisting the bottle, aiming the cork away. Now remember, twist the bottle, not the cork. That's the trick.

Mate, I used to work in catering. Yeah, but you have your stupid, stupid, stupid hammy hands. I like fucking these hams one day. These hammy hams might crawl up your thigh one night. Yeah, so that means I'll be wanked off by a bunch of sausages.

Who gives a fuck? And then killed by a bunch of sausages. I remember a wall of dicks. You said it. You'll come at me with a wall of dicks. You mentioned it last Christmas.

Oh, you keep listening to that fucking episode as if it's... I'm lonely Come on just fire it off Here we go Mate Mate you broke the lamp

So what Mate you broke the lamp Come on mate Damage to property 275,000 pounds What That's not worth that much. That's a piece of shit.

I saw those in Ikea. £275,000. Hey, Robot House, can you turn yourself off, mate? Turn off. Do you want some of this baby shower, mate? Yeah, let's just have that, mate. I'm going to have to... Where am I going to find £275,000?

We can just... Listen, we can... I've got connections. You don't. If you had connections, you wouldn't be asking me for a tenner every fucking couple

of weeks or so. Oh! Give me some baby shampoo. Fucking hell, Paul. You're getting a bit salty, aren't we now? I've been drinking. The drinking's kicking in.

I'm losing all my inhibitations. There you go. Inhibitations? Inhibitions. Inhibitions? Right. What's the. Inhibitions. Inhibitions. Right. What's that? Much nicer.

It smells like... It's very tart. It smells like... It's very sweet. Very sweetie kind of... It smells like peri. It smells like peri. Here we go.

Oh. Oh. Hmm. Oh. That's a... Oh. I don't mind that. I don't mind it, but it goes real flat real quick.

It goes flat quick, yeah. And it kind of leaves a kind of film. Yeah, it's not great. But the taste is much better than the other one. It has an actual taste. It tastes a bit like kind of... Appley. Appley.

Appletizer, almost. It's just what it tastes like. It's Appletizer. But you sort of have a bit of booze there. It's a bit of booze. I've got to pull back in and pick it out of that. Can we make a cocktail? Hang on.

No, you're not. I'm going to make a cocktail. A bit of baby sham and a bit of Bux Fizz. A Buxy sham. Oh, no. A baby fizz. No, not a baby fizz. A fizzy baby.

Here it comes. That's enough. I've got to balance it out. I can't get that back in. That's what she said. She fucking says it. Mate, all the bubbles went down in instant time. Yeah, there's no...

You need a glass. Oh, it looks spoffy now, look. A proper glass is designed to make the bubbles stick to it. That's the dirt, though, isn't it, on a champagne glass? The dirt that it clings to makes the bubbles, the imperfections on the inside of the glass. Everyone, I just want to describe the way Paul looked at me when he said, that's the dirt.

He was really, like he meant it. Yeah, it is, though. Because it's the imperfections on the inside of the glass. He's also got a lovely jumper, which gives him more of an intellectual air. I'm feeling very smart. He goes with the surroundings in this house as well. Listen to this. Super massive fatafalia.

It's got a turtleneck. It's a black turtle. I've got a fucking turtle head. I've got that coming out. I've shat myself. Mate. Ladies and gentlemen. How do you like that?

Before we started recording, he had to drop his guts and... Oh no. Don't stop peeling back the fetid grandma's curtain. I had to turn the volume off on the TV just so I didn't hear what sounded like someone pouring stones down a toilet. Not true. Simply not true. What else have you got to fucking eat? I'm going to taste my cocktail.

My baby sham, Bucks Fizz Mix. Here we go. I'm going to call it a Fizz Sham. Eee! How's your Fizz Sham? Oh, God. That is... Shut up. Oh, God. That is... Shut up.

It's just horrible. You're some piss or something. I know. It's like a pissy baby shower. Right, I'm going to have to drink that, though. I'm going to drink it down in one, ladies and gentlemen. You're doing what you did last time. You're drinking everything too quickly.

Question. How are you going to look about this? Oh! Nicely done. Very Christmas. It just came right to my head when you said question. Listen. Stop.

Have a time. All right, what, Paul, what? I'm feeling a bit merry now. Stop Have a time Alright what Paul I'm feeling a bit merry now If an alcohol Is five And if an alcohol Is four When you have both

Is it an alcohol nine No Is it What is it then How alcoholic is it If you put a five And a four together Is it just five

Can it get no stronger No it would be the average Between 5.5 and four So what It would be less It would be 3.5. It'd be less alcoholic if I put an alcoholic...

Shouldn't it be more alcoholic than 3? No, because... Or 4? No, because... If I had a 4 alcohol... You're mixing the whole thing, Paul. And then I added a 5 alcohol in,

then it has to have an element of 5 in it. Paul, let's just go... Let's simplify the whole question, yeah? Yeah. Let's represent both drinks as being 10. Right.

They're 10 big, yeah? Yeah. And let's say alcohol is 1 10 ten. Right. They're ten big. Yeah. And let's say alcohol is one tenth. So alcohol is one big of those, yeah? Yeah. One big of those, yeah? One big. So you've got ten.

Ten big. Two ten bigs, yeah? Yeah. And one of each is... Ten big. One of each is the alcohol, yeah? Yeah. Now add them together.

Ten big. Add them both together. Twenty big. Yes, but how many of those new twenty big, yeah? Yeah. Now add them together. Ten big. Add them both together. Twenty big. Yes, but how many of those new twenty big are alcohol? One big. Two big. So it's the same proportion is what I'm saying. Two to twenty is the same proportion.

So it's nine big. No. Five and four is nine big. No, it's in between them. It's nine big. I've just figured out maths. Five big. I hate you.

Five big. I thought that was quite a good explanation. You know anyway. You follow me. Five. God, I feel maths. Five big. I hate you. I thought that was quite a good explanation. You know anyway. You follow me. God, I feel sick. Five big. Yeah, both the baby sham and the fucking books fizz, which I'm going to rename books piss because I'm witty,

is... Oh, let's have a chocolate elf or something. You're right. It's time for food. You need to soak up. You're right. It's time for food. So... You need to soak up. You need to soak up some of that. Let's start with the crisps

because you've been eyeing the crisps and you've got your eye on the crisps and people told us about the crisps, so let's talk about the crisps. Okay, these are crisps people have told us about, are they? Let me introduce it. Here we go. Apparently this year,

that fucking Lad Baby's got another fucking song out about fucking sausage rolls, which is for charity, so you can't fucking... What Lad Baby? Remember last year, like, number one Christmas was Lad Baby's sausage roll song. What about fucking sausage rolls, which is for charity, so you can't fucking... What Ladbaby? Remember last year, like, number one Christmas was Ladbaby's sausage roll song? What did it... How'd it go? Sausage rolls, sausage rolls... Who's Ladbaby?

I don't know any of the facts. Ladbaby's this guy who put a video up that said, let's get this to number one. It's about sausage rolls and let's raise money, which means it's shit, but you can't complain about it because it raised money for charity. You love a charity single. You're a big supporter

of the Red Nose Day single aren't you? Was. Back in the day when they put an effort in these days you just get fucking girls allowed to cover Jump.

It's like fuck off. So anyway that was last year with Lad Baby and the Sausage Roll song and apparently they're doing it again this year but Walker's Chris

have teamed up with Lad Baby charity Christmas Sausage roll campaign. Right. So it just says support of Ladbaby. So you're going to poo-poo on this campaign, are you? No, I'm happy for them to raise money, but like...

What are they? What flavour are these? I tell you what, the power of sausage roll in partnership with Ladbaby, for the past two years... Who's Ladbaby? I'm going to tell you. For the past two years,

the Ladbaby family have been on a roll. Who are the Ladbaby family? the past two years... Who's Ladbaby? I'm going to tell you. For the past two years, the Ladbaby family have been on a roll. Who are the Ladbaby family? There's a family. Unleashing the power of sausage rolls to do good at Christmas with their hilarious

sausage roll charity songs. They only exist to make songs about sausage rolls. I don't understand. I don't. What is Ladbaby's original job?

I don't get it. I missed the joke when it first came out. But what kind of entity even is Lad Baby? It's a man who was on YouTube and put a stupid song up and then it got... Well, I can do a song. Oh, my cork's got a hole in it. What's in there?

It's spunk, it's spunk, it's spunk. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. My cork's got a hole in it. I don't care. And I've spunked in the hole. Merry Christmas. They've achieved the Christmas number one spot

two years in a row, donating all proceedings to the Trussell Trust, whose fantastic work in the UK supports a nationwide network of food banks and fights against poverty. So, you know, good things. Yeah, good things, but we'll be the judge of your fucking crisps flavours.

Long story short, walkers for Christmas to help raise money have done a sausage roll flavoured crisp, which is interesting. I've never had a sausage roll flavoured crisp. Do you know what I would say it's probably going to be close to?

What? Chicken flavoured crisp with a bit more oregano-y. A bit more sort of black pepper oregano-y. Interesting. What would you say? Well, the thing is,

in my head I'm getting a taste. No sausage crisps. No. I mean, cue everyone going, actually there's sausage crisps. No, I was cheap. When I said there was no cheese crisps, that was a bit stupid.

Yeah. But I think I can say, do you know of a... In your defence, I think the XL crisp, whatever it was called, just wowed you and it blindsided you. It fucking did. It blocked your faculties. What a crisp. It's a solid crisp. I can remember the taste of those XL crisps.

Solid crisp. Solid crisp. It's a solid crisp. So, Paul. Yes. I totally forgot what crisp. So, Paul. Yes. I totally forgot what I was saying. Good. So, the sausage roll flavoured crisp. Oh yes, there's no sausage crisps. Can you just back me up this now?

I mean, I don't know. Think of a sausage flavoured crisp. There might have been like a Colombian sausage whatever. A chorizo flavoured crisp. However, in my mind, I'm thinking of like the Greg's Pasty, you know, the Greg's Sausage Rolls. That's the flavour I'm thinking of.

That's what I'm thinking of, yeah. Which is, you know, a bit sagey, a little bit spicy. You know what I mean? So you think of the sage before and then there's a sort of general umami. Yeah. Which is like chicken or could be,

do you see what I mean? In a crisp flavour. So Eli, it is up to you now to do the Huff Report for Christmas, our Christmas Huff Report. And on the basis of that, so Eli Silverman is a professional at... Just getting the Huff Report for Christmas. Our Christmas Huff Report. And on the basis of that, so Eli Silverman is a professional at... Just getting the huff ready.

Getting the best out of the bag. If you want to tip him about how to get the huff... It shakes the molecules, doesn't it? It's all aerated. What you're looking for, Paul, what you're looking for here is a little miasmic mist of huff powder. A little ecosystem in there. Yeah.

A little microclimate. Yeah. A little microclimate. Yeah. You're jostling it. You're jostling it. And then you get the little corner. I'm just going to go for a full nose huff here. He's going to pull the bag wide. I'm going to pull the...

He doesn't often pull it wide. I think I'm feeling a bit like my nose isn't... You want to get a full huff. All right, here we go. He's going in. What? That is in. What? That is accurate. Really?

Yeah, I'm getting a sage. Definitely a very strong front sage here. I have a second bag. I'm going to go for it. Go for it. Watch, I'm shaking the bag. It smells of sausage roll to me. Here we go.

It's quite a good facsimile on the nasal. Oh. Do you know what I mean? God, you're right. Yeah. But it's got like a kind of almost like pork. Ketchup-y. Pork. Do you know what I mean? God, you're right. Yeah. But it's got, it's got like a kind of almost like ketchup-y.

Pork, well, yeah. That's interesting. It does smell like sausage rolls. That's fascinating. Yeah. And now for the taste. Let's get straight in there.

If you gave that to me and you didn't tell me what it was, I'd say it was chicken flavoured. Yeah, you are right. This tastes like chicken. So, you have to say Eli

was right. It's like a more sagey chicken crisp. You're right. It is very... It's a nice crisp, but you're right. If someone said, have this, and they said, what flavour? I'd say, chicken. Totally. Mmm. You like that? You like it? But, there are pastry aftertones. There are.

I mean, it's sophisticated. And like I said, the smell, but... It's like buttery almost. The sort of basic umami is provided by like a very chicken stocky to my taste buds sort of presence. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not bad. You like them. I can see you like them. I really like them. But, yeah, it's indeterminate taste. I don't know.

They're quite tasty. They're very tasty. I'd happily polish off a bag of them. Are they going to be a long-lived flavour? No, it's a charity thing. It's a charity thing.

Did you see on Twitter as well, someone said, Quavers, they're bringing back short vinegar and prawn cocktail flavour. Ooh. Ooh. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we will be covering it.

We will be. As your crisp-based fact people. The league. We represent the people when it comes to crisps. Not the god-tier fucking edgelords who go, oh look, we're going to jostle the fucking marketplace with putting

cheesy puffs at the top and fucking sensations at the bottom. I'm a punk in my crisp taste. No, you just want an honest, scientifically based, deeply researched, backed up by a pagan organisation that lives underground

Chris podcast and that's us we are a pagan based podcast hail Sultana what are we doing? I don't know Paul we're tasting stuff

Chris come on long story short we'll cover the quavers when they come out because you can trust us we are the people's podcast this has been so good.

Now, the next thing I want to try is something really unusual. And I caught this in a shop, and I'll be honest, I tried one of these already because I was just, I had to try them. But,

it's another Christmas-based snack. And I didn't even know, I didn't even see adverts for this. McVitie's Digestive. We all like a digestive biscuit. Don't we? We all like a digestive biscuit. Don't we? We all like a digestive. Not my favourite,

as I've probably detailed in these annals before, Paul. But we all appreciate it's a good dunker. My favourite biscuit, in case you're wondering, is a plain chocolate-rich tea. Good choice.

A good choice. A nice, dependable, solid dunker. I don't even dunk it. Well, you know, I'm just saying. I just eat it. I don't even look at tea

or think about tea. I have to dunk it. It, you know, I'm just saying. I just eat it. I don't even look at tea or think about tea. I go, it's just biscuits. It's just me alone with biscuits in a room. So, anyway. And I just contemplate the biscuit

and I try and remove all thoughts of everything else from my mind, Paul. Everything else. Nothing but the biscuit. Well, not even the thought of the biscuit.

That would be too much. So, you exist in some kind of weird blank Tubularassa state. Yes, where... Tubularassa. Hello! Tubularassa.

Like a 90s rasta. A tubularasta. Tubularassa. Come on. Right. So, anyway, McVitie's Digestives, right, fair enough,

chocolate, but you know what the flavour is? After 8, because I read it on the packet. Ah, it's not though, because you didn't read it on the packet, you fucking dipshit.

It is Christmas pudding flavour. Oh, I thought it was after 8. No, not, though, because you didn't read it on the packet, you fucking dipshit. It is Christmas pudding flavour. Oh, I thought it was After Eights. No, this is a... It's like, you can see the colouring is quite like an After Eights packet, isn't it? Yeah, that's true. It's a green package, and I like the logo. They've got a chocolate digestive biscuit, but a little kind of, you know, icing sugar holly on the top image of the Christmas pudding.

I would have preferred it. So? If it was After Eights flavour. Sniff that. Imagine a digestive with an after eight sort of like that'd be nice stapled on the top that'd be fucking

lovely that's what I'm saying that's what I thought we were gonna taste for it's up to you now boffins make it happen right but sniff that yeah smells like fruit cake

I hate I hate do you one thing I hate about Christmas is fucking fruit in is Christmas cake and pudding there you go have one of these this is a chocolate digestive

Christmas pudding flavour biscuit. I'm having a go. Oh. Oh, I do not like that. I quite like that. And I'm not a big fan of fruit cake. It's got kind of a mulled aftertaste. Do you know what I mean?

Like a sort of Christmas spice. A bit of a pumpkin spice or Christmas spice aftertaste. It's got that spice to it. What is it? A nutmeg or something? That's what it is, yeah. I dislike that intensely. You don't like that biscuit at all?

No. It's that flavour because it's quite accurate. Don't like the flavour of Christmas pudding. I think it might be that I'm drunk that I'm enjoying all this food.

Could be. But it's also almost a bit boozy. Like a rummy. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? I'm rummy. Next.

Crunch time. They've been eyeing me up. Let's get on the crunch time. Now, look. I don't know what it is, but all the rage these days are making things smell like or taste like pigs in a blanket.

It's a Christmas thing. It's like Brussels sprouts. They milked Brussels sprouts, didn't they? I think we did that last year. And now there's Brussels sprout ketchup. Oh, fucking... We want to try that.

I'll get hold of that. As the sauce person, resident sauce expert... You're going to have to cover that. I need to get the coverage needed to actually obtain... The world's waiting on your words. You know that, don't you? The whole world waits on your words. Obtain some Brussels sprout flavoured ketchup, Paul.

There are people out there who hang on your every stupid fucking word. Paul, don't make me say Prick-a-Prick-a-Pronto. All right, say it. Say it as many times as you word paul don't make me say pricker pricker pronto all right say it say as many times you like i don't want to now there you go that's how you fucking fix that problem so anyway pigs in a blanket say it when you're least expecting it pigs in a blanket pigs in a blanket everyone's making pigs in a blanket come on good league thank you um, so someone said there were noodle-flavoured pigs in a blanket and there were crisps or something. Good league, I just said.

I know, I moved on. It's like a segue and a link. A league way. Yeah, league way. A segue. Give me the huff on these. Do you want to do the huff on these? Because these are peanuts.

They fall within your huff. Oh, they're peanuts. Yeah, these are peanuts called Crunch Time. Pigs in a blanket. It says, Smoky bacon and sausage flavoured crunchy coated nuts. These are like Nobby's nuts. Remember Nobby's nuts?

Yes, I guess they are. Do you like those? I've got a soft spot for those. I have a soft spot for Nobby's nuts. I do. I like the crunchy nuts. Coated peanuts, I'm a sucker for. Do you mean Nobby,

the guy who lives in the car park round the corner from where we do the recording? No, I call him Johnny Wank Me Off, and he smuffs up my knob-chop. Okay, well, you've suddenly lost all focus. You've just given up now. All focus? You've just given up.

It's a party. It's a Christmas party. Let me smell those peanuts. Come on. Come on. There's your crunchy nuts. Give them a hoof. Now, but who makes these?

This is bought in Iceland. Oh, it's in Iceland. For the record. All right. Very on brand. Yes. Oh, it's in Iceland. For the record. All right. Very on brand. Yes. What do you think these will smell like? To be honest, all of this, including a pot, five, four, all of this was a tenner.

That's good, isn't it? The wine, the £2.50, then it was £5 for the thing. Oh, so no, £1 for that, £1 for that, £2 for that. So yeah, maybe £12 for everything we're eating right now. All in. And to be honest, save the money, don't get the books fizz don't get the baby sham spend 10 pound on something nice it's christmas fucking hell this is horrible shit it really is right open up the crunch time mr silverman i mean those crisps weren't bad no no to be yeah no the

crisps were fine that was one pound for a pack of six. Huff. Oh, no. Oh, not good. It's not good. Why is it not good? Tell me. Tell Daddy. It's greasy. Smells greasy.

Smells greasy. And a bit burnt. Daddy smell. Greasy and burnt, I smell. Oh! Do you know what I mean? God! Like that burnt barbecue sauce, sort of burnt, greasy.

No. Do you know what it smells like? It smells like burnt rib bone. Yeah, or something. It's got that kind of marrow bone kind of..., greasy... No. Do you know what it smells like? It smells like burnt rib bone. Yeah, or something. It's got that kind of marrow bone kind of... Oh, fucking hell. I'm going to... That's not a great first impression.

How much were these? One pound for the bag of those. That's quite cheap. Yeah, but... Yeah. All right, here we go. Oh, that's really unpleasant, man. Fucking...

That's... It's like stale. All the coating's not... Oh. Oh. Oh, no. Fucking... That's... It's like stale. All the coating's not... Oh. Oh. Oh, no. Just with an anemic... God, that's barbecue flavour just creeping over a bit at the end.

The nuts are off. Yeah. Or they're... They're stale. Oh, God. God. That's really unpleasant. Not a good nut.

It's nicer at the end, actually. No. Than at the beginning. No. The beginning and the end is one fucking tragic story. There's no crunch. There's no crunch. It's nicer at the end, actually. No. Than at the beginning. No. The beginning and the end is one fucking tragic story. There's no crisp, there's no crunch.

There's no crunch. There's not enough flavour to it. It's like you get the... Then there's that greasy aftertaste. That's quite interesting. It smells like it tastes that bad, usually. It just tastes like if you just ate the fat on bacon.

Yeah. Cheap bacon that had been just ate the fat on bacon. Yeah. Cheap bacon that had been singed but not actually cooked. Still raw but just a bit singed in the pan. Oh God,

what's going on? Well, we're going to have to get through this segment, Paul. We've got a few more bits and bobs. I don't know if I've got the energy, mate.

You know what? Elf on a shelf chocolate. Fuck that. I'm just saying. I'm just not doing it. Fucking elf on a shelf. Look, it's elf on my knobbage.

Elf on my gob. Elf on your knob. Oh, you've broken the elf up. Yeah, because I just threw it. It's going to taste of cheap chocolate.

Paul, Mr. McHennessy wants you to slide your glass over. My glass is over there, sir. I'm going to slide it over for you., Mr. Hennessy wants you to slide your glass over. My glass is over there, sir. I'll slide it over for you. Put Mr. Hennessy in my glass. There's a little lick of Hennessy. Oh, here we go.

This will make all the pain of the food. I'm trying to ignore that corpse upstairs. Yeah. Merry Christmas, everyone. Right, next we've got Terry's Chocolate Orange Flavoured Bar. We all have Terry's Chocolate Orange at Christmas, Right next we've got Terry's Chocolate Orange We all have Terry's Chocolate Orange at Christmas don't we? Apart from the course Everyone gets a Terry's Chocolate Orange at Christmas I didn't

The most segmented of chocolates I never did Really? No Matchmakers? No It was always everyone in our family always got a chocolate orange We were macrobiotic

You fucking wankers What? You call my whole family wankers now? Yes, your whole family. I employ your family in my mind to put vegetables in things. Yeah, and I employ all your family to go away witty man Paul. He's not witty man. So, what's this?

What's so special about this chocolate orange bar? Well, it's a Christmas because it's Cranberry Limited Edition. The other fruit for Christmas is cranberry, apparently. Is that an American thing, though? Yes. Because I didn't remember cranberry being a thing when I was young.

It wasn't even available here in drink form early on. No. I think it was first sold in Britain as a sort of like... Like, you know you see olive oil in a pharmacy? Yeah.

To put in your hair or whatever as a treatment. These days, yeah, it's all like, stick it on your pasta, isn't it? Yeah. I think cranberry was like that. It was on your pasta, isn't it? I think cranberry was like that.

It was for cystitis, wasn't it? Was it? It prescribed for cystitis. Oh, to clean out your system. Clean out your

urinary tract. They say that, don't they? Cranberry's good for pissing. But it had that kind of status. It wasn't something

that you'd use as a flavour in a seasonal meal. Anyway, I went and got this. I'm just trying to fill you in on some fucking cranberry

knowledge. Fill you in? some fucking cranberry knowledge. Fill you in? Yeah. How? On my crumbly nonsense. Good, I'm looking forward to that. Anyway, look, this is Terry's Chocolate Orange,

which is a popular chocolate in the UK. Usually it's like in an orange shape. It's a round, spherical, chocolate-segmented thing that you drop on the floor

and then eat in bits. But this is just a bar and it's got cranberries in and I'm going to test it. It's a little soft, but it has a little fridge. Oh, it's nice. It smells like Terry's chocolate orange, though. It smells lovely, doesn't it? It has that... It's familiar.

That's a lovely orangey chocolate smell, isn't it? I love that smell. I love the smell of orange. I love the smell of chocolate, don't you? Orange chocolate is something I enjoy smelling rather than eating. It's a weird thing. I don't even want to eat this. It's got bits in. It's got little red. I don't even want to eat this. It's got bits in. It's got little red bits in. I'm going to have a bite.

Here we go. Very sweet. Very sweet. Too sweet for me. Too sweet for me. The flavour's nice, but it's just so sweet. Like, my mouth is... I can't really taste any cranberry stuff.

Can you? It's overwhelmingly orange for me. No, I'm getting a bit of... I got a bit, a little bit in there. A little knob jewel in there. No, I'm just getting orange. Did you didn't, but you didn't, look. Yeah, I did. I ate quite a big bit. Well, have some more finesse

in your mouth parts then. Think about it, what deeply are. Next. Alright, that was alright. Next what? It's your party, mate. Next thing. Alright. I did no after eights have gone off the fucking rails. Oh, that's why I got confused with the after eights. Yeah, so after eights are a popular, I don't know how popular they are in America or whatever, but I don't think...

Can I just say that is like so sweet. Make my teeth fucking itch. Real bad. Real bad. Yeah. If you like Terry's chocolate orange, you'll like that, but... I'm going to grab a stout. Right, so I'll just tell the...

So in the UK, after eight is a kind of faux posh chocolate. It's a thin... Well, you know, have you seen Meaning of Life by Monty Python? There's a bit with the whole wafer thin mint. That's what that is. It's a chocolate wafer thin mint. It's delicate and you polish off a box in half an hour if you're drunk or stoned at Christmas.

Did you know, Paul, that the pronunciation of the word wafer is changing because of the way it's pronounced on that movie. What, so people say wafer? They do. That's depressing. I know, it's like people saying, like people in America

saying by accident. I hate that. On accident, they say, which fucking makes me angry. Why? Come on. Because it's nothing that is on accident.

It's language, isn't it? It's language. It's by accident. On accident. Why is it on accident? It's not. I hate it as well, but it's irrational to hate something like that. It's just usage. Yeah, right it on accident? It's not I hate it as well But it's irrational

To hate something like that It's just usage Yeah right I gotta learn to love They call it Waffer on accident Anyway After 8 Minutes Are popular in the UK

Primarily I don't know how they are Around the world But they kind of come out At Christmas With your matchmakers And they go around the tree With your boxes of quality street

And everyone fucking has them And it's one of those Products Paul Which had sort of A sort of fake Classiness It was a fake classiness. It was all about classiness. Yeah.

Wasn't it? It's like the Viennetta, isn't it? It's like Viennetta is cheap shit, but people went like, oh, he's brought out the Viennetta. As if it's something you, they sort of sold it as if it was something you could bring out and your guests would think that you were well to do. Was it ever really that? It's like, what is, it's that nouveau riche almost of snacks,

where it's like, after eights, Viennetta were like, it's that nouveau riche almost of snacks where it's like, after eights, Vero Rosso and Viennetto are like, on adverts, they made it... Fake, upper class confectionery products.

The adverts make you think that if you buy these products, all of a sudden, you're high class. Yeah, some of the aristocracy will rub off on you. And the thing is, when you go to your shop

and you buy your after eights for one pound, that's not classy. They never used to be that cheap. They started relatively expensive. I think all three of those products were like back in the year you're right you're right they were and then their reputation changes over time like baby shower they were never really classy you know what i mean were they well it was because they came in like delicately wrapped sleeves and the sleeve lets are like a marketing thing aren't they because they really make they

have this sort of kinetic vibe about them. Yeah. That makes you think, oh, it's special. Do you know what I mean? There's a certain joy about taking it out of its little sleeve. Of its little envelope. But also, it's the cunts who put it back in. So you never know how many are left in the box.

So you go through, you go, envelope, envelope, envelope, envelope. They're similar to burnt matches or something. Yeah. It's fucking wasting my time. So what's so special about these ones you've got? Well, because these ones are gin and tonic flavoured limited edition. Hello!

There's no booze in this, but it is gin and tonic flavoured. Bring it on! Is it full of booze? No. Come on, I'll have eight. Down them! Down them!

I'll eat them all, Paul. Let's melt them down, turn them into a drink to drink it. I'm going to sniff. Oh, it's a gin o'clock at after eight is what it says on the roof of the box.

Little delicate piece of paper for no reason. I'm having a sniff. Doesn't mind me at Christmas, though, seeing those lie about. Smells like after eights. Exactly like after eights. That nice dark chocolate mint kind of fondant. There's a bit of a zest, a zesty twang, a citrus twang. Oh, I didn't catch that.

Definitely. Top note, citrus top note coming off the off the chocolate a choffney boff off don't choffney don't say chordney or choffney

or brodney or poffney or jodney or rodney I'll say cockney boffney wafty choffney hiddly boodly boo

don't say chortney or boftney or boffney or chodney here I'm handing you one how about a pricka pricka pronte

yo don't try and dress up pricka pricka pronte I'm having you one. How about a Prick-a-Prick-a-Pronte, yo? Don't try and dress up Prick-a-Prick-a-Pronte. I'm having a sniff. Yeah, I can't taste any different. I haven't had a bite yet, but let's have a bite of a wethafin mint. Ugh. I don't like that.

No, that was a... It's like less minty than you want it to be. Do you know what I mean? It tastes more like... It's more bitter. Do you know what it tastes like more now? Like a fries chocolate thing? Because the fries chocolate thing was

kind of a more intense after eight but this, oh. They've gone for the bitterness of the tonic, do you know what I mean? Instead of the

sharpness of the lemon. Oh, why do I do that? What did you hate the most of all these products? Your company.

Okay, Paul, yes. Well, you know. You know, on reflection, oh God. I'll tell you what I hated the most. All of it. What was actually the least likeable thing? I'm trying to think. I know, the digestives.

I didn't like the Christmas pudding digestives. Avoid everybody. Right. Because I don't like the taste of Christmas. Here's my finale. I've got more booze. I went and got booze bombs. From where?

The worst shop ever in the world. Oh, have you? No, I went to Iceland. The freezer shop ever in the world? Oh, have you known? I went to Iceland, the freezer shop. Oh, it's all Iceland, isn't it? You drug yourself round the corner,

tapping on Iceland's window when they're shutting. Please, I need booze bombs. I've got a problem. It was almost like that. These are four, no, three

gin liqueur booze bombs bursting with sweet, fruity flavours. Gin liqueur? They come in little... There's no gin in them. Just like with the Bucks Fizz, Paul. Nothing's any gin. Nothing that was ever gin originated.

These three flavours are 20% Volcahol. Volcahol! And we have boozy apple, berry blush, or blueberry jam. Are we sharing them? I was going gonna have one berry blush or blueberry jam are we sharing them I was gonna have them just for me

you can fuck off no look they come in little bottles we share them look at those little bottles you found that cute do you yeah because they're little round bottles

they look like little round bombs don't they what do you want do you want the blue one which is blueberry jam no we share each one because it's a service we're providing

where we taste these things for the people the good people these are 20% this will be fucking what we need to get hot hot hot what do you mean

hot hot hot I'll be honest with you mate what I wanna what no you wanna have sex with me

that's we can't put that out there Paul because that's the sort of subtextual thing that keeps people coming back week after week

so I wanna eat your heart. I'm winking. I'm winking at you. I'll never have sex with you, Paul. He's winking, ladies and gentlemen, which means I'm on for some red hot, rumpy, pumpy, fat, fun fuck.

No, come on. We should share those, though. Seriously. It's not about us having sex. We've got boozy apple, berry blush, blueberry jam, and they've got gin in.

Let's start with the blueberry. And they're 20% vodka. What do you think is going to be your favourite of those three flavours? Apple. I fucking love Spar Apple., berry blush, blueberry jam. And they've got gin in. Let's start with the blueberry. And they're 20% vodka. What do you think is going to be your favourite of those three flavours? Apple. I fucking love spout apple. Let's save that for last because it's your favourite. We'll start with the blueberry. Here's the blueberry.

I'll pour some into your glass. I'm not going to guzzle it. I only want the smallest of tasties. All right. Use that. Here we go. All right. Oh, God, it's making me sick just looking at it.

It's really blue. It looks like Mr. Freeze sick just looking at it. It's really blue. It looks like, you know, a Mr. Freeze ice lollies melt. It's that blue intense. This is 80s terrible cocktail blue, isn't it? Talk on the mic. 80s terrible cocktail blue. Yeah. And it smells like Mr. Freeze melted blueberry.

Oh, that smells bad. Again, it's got that dog pissy, that same, I think it's the aspartame. Do you know what I mean? I mean, it doesn't taste, to me, I don't get that. So my next question is, have you been sniffing dog piss and it's just, I think it's the aspartame. Do you know what I mean? I mean, it doesn't taste, to me, I don't get that. So my next question is, have you been sniffing dog piss and it's just lingering on your nostril hairs? No, it can't linger on my nostril hairs. It can, it does with me.

When I get a good huff of a dog's dick, that piss lingers. Do you have to let it linger? Oh, that's truly, truly puke-making awful. Hang on, I'm going to need to test it. Here we go. That's the start of a night, but never at the end of a night. Do you know what I mean? Oh, that's horrible stuff.

Oh, that is so bad. Oh, I don't like that at all. It's syrupy. Dirty boys. It's like cough syrup. Yeah. You're right. All right, next.

So nasty. Nasty. This is berry blush. I don't know if I can do the rest of the show, Paul. Berry blush, which sounds like something you fucking spray on the back of your neck. Or on your vag. If you need to. If you need Sprite for your nurse.

Here we go. Next. Hang on. Let's sniff this. This smells like chewing. You know what, Paul? Sniff that. It smells like paint thinner or something.

I would spray my dick with Sprite. Intimate deodorant for men or something. Good, all right. Great. That's better for me. Is this peach? It just says berry blush. Blush.

Blush. Mate, I fucking had a roll in the hay last night. Yeah. I've got a berry blush on my arse. It's a fungal infection. You should see I left all that blueberry jam on here back. Pour a little bit in. Splash it.

Splish, splash. All right, here we go. Down in one. May not look forward to this. That's floral. It's that floral. It tastes like toilet freshener. God, it tastes like Febreze.

Yeah, toilet freshener. That's truly awful. That is horrible. That is nasty. Right, last one. I don't want to do it. Apple. This is going to...

Go on, pause it. Well, that to me smells like what I thought it was going to smell like. Like a sidekick. Like a sour jack. Sours. Yeah. It's almost like the smell, the fake smell of cotton. Okay.

It's like a fresh... It's like a fresh.... It's like a fresh linen sort of smell. You know, like a fresh linen? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, shut up. Next. You shut up. I'm going to the toilet. Hang on, I'm going to have a drink of this. This segment's over.

Oh, God. Oh, God, that's the worst one. No. The blueberry's the worst one. Oh. Oh. That's really unpleasant man Oh god It doesn't even taste like apples That's the least of your worries man

It tasted That is the least of your problems Watch this He's having a three way cocktail everybody The blue's going in Do you have a bottle opener? Yeah it's in the kitchen Robot Yes Eli Where's the bottle opener? Yeah, it's in the kitchen. Robot!

Yes, Eli. Where's the bottle opener? In the kitchen, on the side, as you go in on the left. I'm going to pour the berry blush in. I'm pouring the apple in. I'm making a cocktail, and I call this a fucking disgusting idea. Here we go. Oh, no. Oh, here we go. Oh, no.

Oh, here we go. Oh, dear. It smells evil. This smells absolutely evil. Sniff that. I don't want to, man. Sniff that. I just, I don't like those things.

It's my Christmas wish for you to sniff my tipple. I just... That's probably the worst thing ever invented to get pissed on. If you had to do a session and drink like six of those. That would kill me. That would be belly rainbow half an hour. Do you know what I mean? Here we go. I'm drinking spot all of it.

And think of the hangover you'd get with that sugar content. Do you know what I mean? It's like doubly dehydrating. It's just the worst stuff. Here we go. It's ruined taste for merating. It's just the worst stuff. Here we go. It's ruined taste. The grand finale is this fucking thing.

Here we go. Oh God. I think we should have a break, Paul. Oh God. That's horrible. You knew it was Go on

Drink the rest of it You have a taste I'm not doing it Do it Live my pain I'm not doing it Do it No I'm not doing it

It's Christmas Do it I'm not doing it Go on Daddy say do it Do it It's party shit man Do it

Where's the photocopier Do it I'll do my ring on the photocopier I don't want to do that I haven't got a photocopier I'm going to have to do what I did last time I'm not Which is just you pull

your arse cheeks apart and I sketch it. Just have a little bit. It's rising. The fucking food is rising in my gullet. Have a taste. It's my Christmas party.

I'll cry if I want to. Mate, have a taste. I really do not want to in any way. A tiny sip. Come on. Stuart Ashen's does it. Oh.

I did it. He did. And he does not look happy for the experience. It's very not nice. That is the worst thing. That's the worst thing. Oh, the worst thing. That's one of the worst things ever.

Not just from what we've eaten today and not just from what we've eaten on the show. That's the worst booze we've had on the show. That was a mistake. I prefer the the show. That's the worst booze we've had on the show. That is, that was a mistake. I prefer the dog beer. I prefer the dog beer. At least it knows it's dog beer.

Yeah. That, I shouldn't have done that. That's why you can't play God. That is the corruption of civilization in a product form.

Let's kick back, right, and have a bit of a smoke and a dance and a knees up and then we'll come back and I'll give you your present. All right, I just need to use the loo. Yeah, you back, right, and have a bit of a smoke and a dance and a knees up, and then we'll come back and I'll give you your present. All right, I just need to get a little use of the loo. Yeah, you go...

Eli, are you about to drop your guts? Yeah. I'll prepare the fucking clean-up crew. And the master toilet, please. Oh, no. The wet room, I'm going to need the wet room. It's going to be very wet. Ooh, gravy. LAUGHTER Snow is falling all around me. People playing, having fun.

It's the season of love and life and laughter. And there's mashed potatoes all on the ground. Mashed potatoes. The sky is falling. I am mental. I am mental. I'm lonely. And I'm sad It's Christmas

And I'm shaking Stevens Merry Christmas Shaking Stevens What? We're doing a Christmas party episode I can't do a podcast no more You can do podcasts no more Eli

You did dirty pump pump in my toilet. Yeah, I went to the loo. Yeah, I didn't even go for a poo in the end. You didn't poo poo in toilet. You poo poo in sink. No, I didn't poo poo nowhere or sink nowhere. You did poo poo in sink. Robot House. Poo poo in

sink. No. Put your winky in my schnoz hole. Put it in your schnoz hole. Put it in my light socket. Where is the schnoz hole? It's above the fireplace. All right, I'll go and do it. You'll have to talk to Paul. He's off to fuck the fireplace.

Here he goes. He's putting it in. Oh, he's thrusting. He's having fun with it. Oh. Hello. Hello. Hello.

Hello. Hello. Oh, Eli. Oh, Eli. You are the best. It's so small. I am satisfied. Good.

Eli's a small man. Eli's fucked the house. No, but there's a telephone. Have you seen how they look like this? Those bells on that telephone. Yeah, they do. They look like little titties. Very nice.

Hard. Hard. Firm. Eli, you have satisfied my ram. do. They look like little titties. Very nice. Hard. Hard. Firm. Eli, you have satisfied my ram. Good. I like a good ram. Right.

I've got crackers. What have we got? Crackers. Yeah, it's Christmas. I went to Poundland and I got five pound crackers deluxe. So they're deluxe items.

How can you get five pound crackers from Poundland? Because they sold them for five pounds. Did they sell them in pieces? They sold loads of things for five pounds.

And then they assembled them for you at the till? No, these are just £5. Well, how is that real then? Look. Look at them. Golden, silver. Oh, those look snazzy.

Pass them over. Tender looks, crackers. You're not allowed to look at the back though because it spores a surprise. Right, give us one. What do you want, gold or silver?

Gold. This one's silver, it's white. Gold and white then. There you go. Right, I'm going to grab it. Merry Christmas. Let's pull a cracker.

Oh, Eli got it. No bang. Pull the handle. Nice. But it would have been more effective if we pulled it. Look at that anemic colour. What's a terrible colour for a hat? They're always like that.

No, sometimes they're red. Talk on mic. Sometimes they're red. You don't want me to really talk on the mic, do you? Of course I do. Otherwise we can't hear you And I have to fiddle around And fucking edit on this

I'll get the contents of this cracker out What's in the contents? There's nothing in there Then you fell on the floor You need to look for it There's nothing on the floor There has to be That's it

Oh there's a joke No there has to be a toy There has to be something in it There was nothing in it There has to have been Check on your feet Oh yeah There is

What is it? Is it What is it? Is it... What is that? It's a plastic spinning top. That's terrible. That is awful. That's not deluxe. Does it spin?

No, you're meant to spin it the way round. Yeah, look at it here. Oh, yeah. Is that here? That is the poorest I've ever seen a toy. That is a pretty shit. That's a real 2020 Christmas present. That's a piece of shit, that is.

You ready for the joke? Go on, hit me with it. I'll have to guess the punchline. Paul. Merry Christmas. This is for 10,000 quid. If you can guess the cracker punchline. That's still spinning, to be fair.

We should do the show. That's still spinning. Look at that. That's quite impressive. It's like Inception. Yeah. I am a unicorn. Right.

Paul. Yeah. Welcome to my new podcast podcast Stroke Game Show yeah guess the punchline of the cracker joke it's the guess the punchline pod

punchpob what do you get if you eat Christmas decorations think about it no tinselitis you knew that one

I didn't that was just a guess no that was not a guess how could I have guessed because it was in a fucking cracker because you've heard it before.

Well, I might have heard it before. Are you ready for the round two? For the riddle? Do you want to talk into the microphone so it helps? I'm fucking trying. I'm trying, Paul. Come on, then. I'm fucking trying.

Stop touching it. How's that? Stop touching it. It makes a noise. Oh, yeah. He's all touched up. I'm all touched up. Come on, give us the joke.

I can't see in this fucking house. What do skunks sing at Christmas? Amazing Disgrace. No. What do skunks do? Oh, Smelly Night. No, almost. Good King Wensley Smelly Arse.

Think of all... Keep going through all the songs. The Holly and the Arsey. I'm pointing to the end of my knob. What is that? A sad end. No, but What is that? A sad end. No, but what is it? Sad lips.

What musical instrument does it look like? What does the end of your penis look like as a musical instrument? A bell end. A sad banjo. We are sad banjo. We are sad banjo. It is our song. You are no fun.

You know that when you're drunk. I'm glad you don't drink. What is it? I don't know. Yeah, fuck your mum. You made me spit my drink. Proper spit take, ladies and gentlemen. It's pissing me off,

man. What does a skunk sing at Christmas? What does an elf sing? No, a skunk, you said. What does a skunk sing at Christmas? Pepe Le Pew. Good King Wensley. Stench Lass. What's that one with bells? Chorus of the Bells. Chorus of the Smells.

What's that Christmas song with bells in it? I hate that one. God, isn't that like an Old Spice ad or something? I hate that one so much. That really made me think of Christmas. What was the punchline to the gag? I'm getting bored of this, so tell me. You can figure it out.

I don't want to. Jingle bells. What's the skunk? Jingle bells. Jingle smells. Yes, thank you very much. I'm going to pull a white one out of the crackers. No, it's fair game.

It's fair game. Is that all that's in there? Yeah. One toy and one joke. Yeah, here we go. Ah, I got it this time. Nice bang. Hat is red.

You've got a nicer hat than me. You know, they don't have crackers in America. I took crackers once to an American household when I lived in LA. Where is this British shit? They told me not to do it again because it upset their dogs. It was like, please don't. They didn't like you. They really...

They didn't like you. No, because it was my in-laws at the time. Of course they fucking liked me. I was great. They didn't. They're telling you not to bring crackers. Mate. Oh, because it was my in-laws at the time. Of course they fucking liked me. I was great. They didn't. They're telling you not to bring crackers. Mate. Oh, what have you got there?

I've got a little heart necklace. Look at that. A little heart necklace. I'm the sexiest man in all of Christendom. You've got a badge today? You've got a badge. Did you see what you think of my badge? I don't care about those stinking badges.

What about a character called Scramble? Scramble is... I'm not talking about any work related stuff on our party what is it of Butterfly oh I actually quite like that yeah it's nice

oh it's nice it's delicate enamel badge nice not a pin it would be slightly better if it was a pin but it seems like a good quality sort of brass

oh this is a phone charm what do you call that it's a badge badge it's an enamel badge I've got a little enamel a little enamel you got a little enamel a little enamel I'm little enamel, a little enamel. You've got a little enamel, a little enamel. I'm locked into a sentence, a little enamel.

What have you got there? I've got a little tiny phone charm, which looks like a Tiffany Hart necklace. It's a piece of shit. It's really warm, this hat. How high have you got the thermostat in there? Talk into the mic. I don't know where the mic is. It's the yellow thing in front of your mouth.

Mouth. Mouth. Anyway, necklace chain. Read the joke. I'm going to guess both. All right, here we go. Oh, there's two jokes. Yes.

Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he was a little under the elf. Elf. A little under the... He had bad elf. Bad mental elf. Bad mental elf. That's better than the punchline is.

It's very close to the punchline, which is because he had low elf esteem. Yeah. Same shit, innit? Don't laugh. That was a genuine laugh. Low elf esteem. What do they call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

The answer's in the joke, I suppose. So what? It's a different word for Santa Claus? Give us a clue here. Come on. Here's the joke, I suppose. So what, it's a different word for Santa Claus? Give us a clue here, come on. Here's the clue. Tight holes. Tight holes.

Tight holes is your clue. My clue is tight holes. It's a bit oblique, but it's tight. Too oblique. Tight holes. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Tight holes. It's Santa-phobic. Oh, come on.

You're almost there. You're literally at the doorstep of the right answer. Clausophobic. I'll take it. Claustrophobic. Claustrophobic. Yeah, nicely done. I'm looking at the back of the thing.

What else can you get? You can get... Let's do them all. Come on. You've got a paper clip, a spinning top, a book, a bulldog clip,

a nail file, some tweezers, a magic puzzle, a golf tee, They're terrible. They're trying to be like executive style, but they're not working. Carabiner clip.

No, I do like the clip. I like the clip. That one. No, the... Bulldog clip. Bulldog clip. Why? You shouldn't win stationery in a cracker. That's nice, though. Bulldog clip's nice the... Bulldog clip. Bulldog clip. Why should... You shouldn't win stationary in a cracker.

That's nice, though. Bulldog clip's nice. It's always useful. It's handy. Well, so you'd be happy, wouldn't you? But it's a cracker. You want something delightful. It's a stationary.

It's not stationary. They have stationary. This is all stationary, basically, isn't it? Apart from the puzzle. Apart from the puzzle. Which you could probably use as stationary. Come on, let's have one more. Go on.

Each. One more each. Goal one free, like. Oh, it went off. Now, pass it to me. Oh, a nice bit of smoky sulphur. This is the puzzle. It's one of those magic puzzles that you just twist.

What a load of shit. Give me the jack. I'll fold it so you can do the back one. I'll read the front one. This is fun, isn't it? I like the jacks. What do the reindeer sing to Father Christmas on his birthday? Happy, for he's a jolly good...

Oh, I'm going to give you that. Freeze, a jolly good fellow. Freeze. That's a terrible... Here's your one. That's the worst we've had so far, Paul. Yeah. The best was like, low elf esteem.

Yeah, that was alright. Which was fucking genius. It was shit. Yeah, no, it's good. Absolute gash. Come on, mate. What's your one? Right. Father Christmas,. Yeah, no, it's good. I love it. Absolute gash. Come on, mate. What's your one? Right.

Father Christmas, right? Yeah. He's going along. He's going along. He's come round here. He's come round. I've come round here. I've come round here.

He wins. Yeah. He's gone into a competition, yeah? He's won a competition. Santa Claus has won a competition. A crockery competition. Have you heard about this? Santa's crockery competition.

Crockery raffle. Claus's cockery castle. this? Santa's crockery competition. Crockery raffle. Claus' clock cockery castle. What? Down in North Pole they've got crockery raffles

for one residence. Cockery raffle. Crockery. I'll give you a cockery raffle. I'll give you a cockery.

Hello, I'm cockery raffle. I am strontium dog shit. We go around the world on adventures. Right,

shut up. Don't try and start doing a bit now. That one's go around the world on adventures. Right. Shut up. Don't try and start doing a bit now. That one's bummed a pig to win a treasure. Oh, you've bummed a pig, did you? The character creation, man. It's the font. I'm bummed. Are you going to let me read this?

Here we go. Tell me the fucking joke. Father Christmas. Yeah. Has a cockery. Do you know what he's doing? Cocking. No, he's won a competition.

Right. He's won a competition. Santa's cock competition. Do you know what he's doing? Cocking. No, he's won a competition. Right. He's won a competition. Santa's cock- Do you know what he's won in a competition? Cock. Cockery. Cockery? He's won a saucepan, Paul.

Oh, okay. This is for sale. All right, okay. That's it. Wait, read it as it is on the paper. That's it. That's the first part. No, read it as it is.

Okay, okay. Little boy blue. All right. Father Christmas. Father Christmas. Wins a saucepan. Yeah, little boy blue. All right. Father Christmas. Father Christmas. Wins a saucepan in a competition. What's the next sentence? So the sentence is, Father Christmas wins a saucepan in a competition.

I'll give you the first part of the punch, yeah? All right. Now, that's what I call, he gets lucky. He gets lucky, Paul, by winning a saucepan. Once in a... No, the saucepan relates to what he says about how lucky. Now, that's what I call pot luck. It's not a pot.

That's a pot, though. It's not a saucepan. It's not a saucepot. You said frying pan. Saucepot, saucepot. You said frying pan. I won't go around the room. I'll give you special margarita.

I'm going to have one last one. Here we go. Special margarita. Can I play now? Yeah last one. Here we go. Special margarita. Can I play now? Yeah, go, go. Oh, I won that. What have you got? Nails.

Fake nails. So they go up your nose? No, they're tees, aren't they, for golf? What a load of shit these are. Who, what cunt? No one wants them. Do you know what I mean? Even if you were some cunt.

Golfer. Who was a golfer, that you'd go, I'm not using this shit. I've got to have a cracker. They'd all laugh at me around the fucking racist clubhouse. Where'd you get them, Barry? Did you get them at the fucking cracker? Yeah, I did. Yes, I did.

That's how poor I am, and I'm living this life. We're going to squeeze them up your meters then. Bastards. All right, are you ready? Yeah. There, you read it to me. All right, okay. Both of them.

This is Guess the Joke with Paul and Eli. Right. Why don't penguins fly? Because they ain't got the wings for it. No. Because they live on the cunt article or something. They live upside down in Icecantberg. Cunt.

Oh, dear. This episode's gone to shit. It really has. Oh. Because they don't... I don't give a fuck about... Penguins don't fly because... No, don't tell me.

I know. Because they've got cunts. No, mate. If you're just going to say that over and over, I'm going to just tell you the answer. Don't tell me. I don't want to hear it. The answer is because they don't have passports.

Read your one. Last one. This is the last one before we get to presents. I ain't got no presents for you. You do. I lied. Well, good. Then I'm going to give get to presents I ain't got no presents for you you do I lied well good then I'm going to give you two presents

I've got a present for you here right here it's not a present it's more of a fucking appetif an appetif what before you go on

to several larger cots go down Soho and get several larger cots you've got to start somewhere mate fucking hell I'm going to have to start on your fucking button mushroom. All right.

Fuck me. This has got weird. I am so drunk right now. Why don't penguins? You knew that one. Yeah, the other one on the other side. Are you ready?

Yeah. It's a one-word answer, Paul. Can't. It's not that. Okay. Give me a little clue. Merry Christmas. It's off my chart. This is also elf-based, which is very fucking good. Okay, good. Good. We like our elf-based guys. This is a me a little clue. Merry Christmas. It's off my chart.

This is also elf-based, which is very fucking good. Okay, good. Good, we like our elf-based guys. This is a turn-up for the fucking books. Yeah. What do you call an elf with a winning lottery ticket? A elf-made millionaire. What does he become?

He becomes rich. What's another word for that which has the phoneme elf in it? It's elf-made millionaire. That's good. But not that, no. in it. He becomes elf-made millionaire. That's good. But not that, no. One word. He is... He's a elf-millionaire.

Elf-millionaire. Million elf. What does he have a lot of now? Pixie dust. Cash. You're trying to do this on purpose. Money. What's another word for money?

Cash. Wealth. Dosh. Wealth is another word. Wealth. He's got elf savings. He's got a large amount of elf. I'm going to the loo again. What is

the answer? He's well elfy. Is that really the answer? Yeah, it is. Very poor. Have a look. You go pee. No, go pee. I'm just going to pull the cracker out because it's presents time now. Hang on. This didn't crack.

Here we go. Watch this. Ah! It went in my eyes. Eli's gone for a piss. Oh, it's a crappy bookmark. It's a plastic bookmark. Next.

White one. Here we go. Bang. Ha. And it's tweezers. Tweezers. They're good for picking nose hairs. Or pubes.

Right, what's next? I got another one. Bang. Oh, there's smoke. Oh, there's nothing in that one. Where's the joke? Oh, it's a clip! It's one of those clips that you use on a backpack. A cambernaura clip. That's nice.

Carabiner. That's nice. God, this is all crap why yes you can my bina oh shit shit shit shit shit hat Shit, shit Shit Hat Shit, shit Hat Right Right Eli, what does Santa have

Why does Santa have three gardens? It's a fucking rich camp, we should go up there Do him over So he can ho ho ho Next Oh yeah Right, next Why is Santa a bear on Christmas Eve?

Why is Santa a bear on Christmas Eve? Why is Santa a bear on Christmas Eve? Because he's... Because he's sooty. Oh, yeah, because he comes out of a soot shoot. Because he's come... He comes out of your dirt pipe. He comes out of your dirt pipe. He comes out of the dirt pipe.

Oh. Oh. What does Santa do with naughty elves? He fucking kills them. Yeah. He does, though. He elves? He fucking kills them. Yeah. He does, though. He does. He does that.

What did the Christmas card say to the stamp? Hello, I'm an inanimate object. Do you want to fucking touch my crack? Close. Stick with me and we'll go places. Oh, fuck off, Christmas cracker. How do sheep write in their Christmas cards? Bye-bye.

I should say who or what. What do sheep say in their Christmas cards? Happy Bahamas. Merry Christmas to you. Oh, yeah, cool. Let's go and get the you in, Paul. Are we really doing another one? Yeah, do another one.

I feel like I've been doing this forever. I got it. All right, I'll guess really doing another one? Yeah, do another one. I feel like I've been doing this forever. I got it. Right, I'll guess them now, Paul. I'm being very serious. Oh, it's a little hologram book of paper. Do you want that? A little hologram book of paper? I have one from last time we did this.

Yeah, I've got one. Did you get the clip, though? Yeah, it's there. It's got the carabiner. Right. Why was Santa's little helper depressed? We've done that one. I'll snap this.

No, not that one. I like that one. That's useful. Get the joke out. Hat. Oh, nail file. It's a nail file, Eli. You could use that to get the calluses off your penis.

What calluses? The dryness. Oh, that works. Knock, knock. Oh, that's a good nail file, isn't it? Knock, knock. Excuse me. This is my very worst moment. Knock, knock. Ooh, that's a good now-fo, isn't it? Knock, knock. Excuse me, this is my very worst moment.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Snow. Snow who? Informer. I know she like me slow, me I go blam. I like you boom, boom, boom, down. Informer.

You know me name is slow, me gonna play you. I like you boom, boom, down. Informer. You know me name is slow, me gonna play you. I slip, leap, hop, bidee, bie, com, bie, com, bie, down. Bie, bie, dom, bie, dee. He come down the shop and he cook, gie, le do. I slip, leap, hop, bop a dee Becom a com a down Becom a down a shop And he cook really good

A sibley bop a down He put me panties down And then he put his finger Up in my ear Oh just well did he No that's what happens In the song He says he gets

Bump and probed Yeah but they're looking For contraband Yeah It's not a sexual motive Bump bop bop Be down Something like that

Bump bop bop now Next here's a joke Here's the next one What do Santa's elves Learn at Christmas school Never to cross Santa Unless they don't Want to be killed

Basically The alphabet Yeah the alphabet Santa's elves learn at Christmas school. Never to cross Santa unless they don't want to be killed. Basically. The alphabet. Yeah, the alphabet. Right, last one. God, I'm sick of this. Don't try and pull it with yourself. I'm here.

Go. Jesus, that would have gone in my eye if I hadn't closed it in time. Right, I got the joke. I watched the Bulldog clip. I'm having that. Oh, you can't. Don't. That's the only thing I wanted. Please. It's a nice one. Right, I got the joke. I worked for a Bulldog clip. I'm having that. Oh, you can't. Don't. That's the only thing I wanted.

Please. It's a nice one as well. It's a little metal. I can use that to hold a... A dream. A postcard up in my room. That's true. All right, here are our last jokes and then we'll end it.

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas and a detective? An investigator. If it was a crocodile and a detective, it would be an investigator. We're not changing the joke so you can win a points-line game. If it was a crocodile, though, and a detective, what would it be, Paul? An investigator. Yeah, I know, but're not changing the joke so you can win a points like game if it was a crocodile though and a detective

what would it be Paul an investigator yeah I know but that's not the joke the joke is what do you get if you cross Santa's claws

with a detective you don't know and you won't know and this is a waste of time the answer is Santa clues next

last one that's poor very poor what do you call a man who claps at Christmas cunt clapping man. Yeah.

It is Santa applause. Oh. That's so fucking awful. They're not even trying now, are they? No, it's like fucking Santa whatever. Santa migre. Santa Monica. Listen.

What's hot on the coast of L.A.? And there's a character from fucking Friends. The coast of L.A.? Yeah. The L.A. is on the coast. It's not on the coast of LA? And there's a character from fucking Friends. The coast of LA? Yeah. The LA is on the coast. It's not on the coast of LA. It's what's on the coast of LA and is a friend of Father Christmas

and likes Friends. Santa Monica. Ha, ha, ha, ha. I like that one. It needs a better build up. It's now time for presents. The party is wrapping up. I have three.

So do you want a little... You have your first. They're my first. I've got two. Oh, here we go. So should I go first? You, me, you, me. This is something, Paul, you suffer from coldness.

I'm handing it you. I'm going to put it in my hand. Oh, what is this? What do you think that is? What is it? It's a pocket hand warmer. Two pieces. Two pieces there.

It's unopened, mint on card, and it's for going to football matches with, which is why they've got the footballs on. Place the, bend the metal plate. The saline solution inside crystallises and, depending on outdoor temperature, the pocket hand warmer emits a comfortable heat of up to 55 degrees centigrade for 30 minutes. If you get cold this winter,

you crack that and think of me, yeah? Put it next to your knob and think of me. Put it down the front. Yeah, let's open it. I'm opening it. Get off. My present. You don't open my presents.

I do. What do you think about that oh it's a little football shaped they're wicked a little football one off now let's see how hot it gets i've got a what i've got to do got it they're reusable you got crack it it's like a little pop crack it i've done it i've snapped it off the reaction yeah it's doing it it's doing it yeah it's doing it how cool are they doing? They're pretty cool, aren't they? Mate, it's moving. I can feel it. Yeah.

It's warming up. It's swelling in my hand. It's the chemical reaction that causes the heat. Oh, I thought it was going blue, but it's just reflective. Oh, mate. Yeah. Feel that. Yeah, it spreads.

Isn't that nice? Oh. You can put it down your front chub. Oh, it's getting real warm. Yeah. And how long does it say it goes for? 30 minutes, depending on outside temperature. It looks like a football.

Yeah, you can put it in your pocket. Get your hands in your pocket. It's very warm in here, so you're not getting the full effect. Not getting the benefit. That's nice, isn't it? Oh, thank you. That's nice. Yeah.

Oh, I like that. I'm holding it. I'm holding it. That's nice. Because it has been very cold this year. Yeah. Already, hasn't it? Yeah.

Now it's time for my present. I can put it in under me gooch. Right, here's your first present. Oh, he's having fun. What is it? Oh, I like this already. Yeah, because it's a bit modular, isn't it? It's a brain maze,

and it looks like a fucking well-modular plastic-coloured toy. That's all I'm saying, guys. It's basically a... It's spherical. It's like a plastic ball within a plastic ball within a plastic ball within a plastic balls. I'm not even going to try and solve it. I'll just put it on my shelf and go,

ah, it's a modular plastic toy. It's a modular plastic toy. Yes. Show it to the camera. I'll show it I love this. I'm not even going to try and solve it. I'll just put it on my shelf and go, ah, it's a modular plastic toy. It's a modular plastic toy. Yes. Show it to the camera. I'll show it to the camera. Oh, this is so cool, mate. What's the level of difficulty? Why can't I get it?

Is that how you... I want it to be all of one piece. Is that what solving it would entail? Oh, I don't get it. I think you've got to build it for me. Oh, shit. It is modulated all over the floor. It couldn't be more in pieces now, Paul.

We'll worry about that later. It's nice. I like it. Yeah, it's a nice modular toy for you to build. A ball within a ball within a ball. You can't lose any pieces. It's a puzzle. I'll do that.

It went absolutely everywhere. Listen up. Don't worry, ladies and gentlemen. We will find it. It's neon, apparently. I like the colouring. Nice, that. I thought, you know what it reminds me of? Why I bought it for you? Because I was watching an old Barshens. You know you brought that modular

kind of toy. I bought it in the Albright Knox gift shop, which is a modern art museum in America. And this reminded me of that, so I got it for you. That was more of a toy and not a puzzle. But it was more primal than this. But this is a similar, yes, it has a similar modular structure. Yeah.

It's like a kind of a Russian doll of balls. I'm a sucker for coloured plastic. Want to get my pants, want to get the hatch, the Yiffin hatch open. Fucking getting me some modular plastic toys with colours in them. And I'll be stroking your bird till Christmas comes. I'll be chubbing your knobbing when they come round. When they come, when they chubbing. I put it in the hole

and then I go chuff me. Chuff me, chuff. We've lost it. We have lost it. I trim all the hairs. My present. All the hairs around the hole and chuff me comes around.

Comes. Have you stopped the recording? No. All right. Second present, please, Doctor. Haven't we been lucky at Christmas? I like presents at Christmas. This is nice. Give me a present. On the same thing the same thing i want them i'm gonna close my eyes oh it's a box

oh what oh it's a smart egg puzzle you know what it does it goes up your ass it doesn't go up your use the one to fucking get your josh off right off no what it is it's a one that you stick in an egg and then you've got to maneuver it around all these kind of inside maze elements. Have you seen it before? Yeah, I have, but sadly, unfortunately someone solved the maze. So now I have to figure out a way of sticking it in and then putting it into a stator. Oh, it's meant to be in there.

I thought there was something wrong with it because I thought at first that the wand was missing, but it meant to come with the wand in. The wand was separate. So someone solved it and sticked it back in the box and then sent... And then said, that'll do. And I've got to now figure out how to get it... It's mint on card.

Well, it's not mint on card because obviously someone... It's mint on fucking card. Just give me that. No, it's not. Because someone solved it. There's a card. The card is mint.

It is mint. No. It's in the card. It's mint on fucking card. It's not mint on card when someone's opened it, played it, solved it,

and thrown it back in the box. Who's that cunt? Who's what cunt did that? Look. Oh, see this. Now look what I've done. Have you got it back in the maze now? Ohunt did that? Look. Oh, see this. Now look what I've done. Have you got it back in the maze now? Oh, I mean, I took it out.

But this is the thing. Now my puzzle is not getting it out, but sticking it in. Can't you reverse engineer it? A little challenge for you there. No, that's shit. Oh, I'm sorry. Jesus Christ. I've got a puzzle that I can't solve because I need to...

Did you light your hand warmer? No, the hand warmer's sufficient. It's time for my present number two. It's a practical... I mean, I don't feel like giving it to you. Now give me the back, which you've stolen off me, which is a very nice lighter. Mate, the only reason I took that lighter's time for my present number two. It's a practical... I mean, I don't feel like giving it to you. Which you've stolen off me, which is a very nice lighter. Mate, the only reason I took that lighter

is because you've stolen loads of mine and I had no... There's a series of lighters that Clipper are doing... Mate, look, now I've got the egg in. See, now it's in the wand in. Put it back in its box. You've already roomed it for me.

And put your fucking sex egg back in its mint-on-carve box. Oh, here we go. Egg, egg, egg. Insert the wand into the egg from the top. Move the wand through the labyrinth using the paths

and holes available. Complete the labyrinth by pulling the wand out of the bottom. I fucking often do. What's this called? Madden Bovary Sex Farm. Well, I fucking finish

on your back. Wait. Is it time for your second present, Eli? I just don't know what time it is. Close your eyes. It's time for your second present.? I just don't know what time it is Close your eyes It's time for your second present I'm not closing

We said you weren't doing anything No because I haven't wrapped it So that's why I'm asking you to close your eyes I don't want you to see it coming And be like How's that? I'll turn away Here we go

Here we go The big box Oh Thank you very much This is fantastic What is it? It's a Barletti Mocha Express stovetop espresso machine

with the little cartoon character who looks like he's out of the earlier Pink Panther. Can you hear it there? Yeah. That's lovely. Did you pick this up cheaply, I hope? I picked it up just for you.

It's £3. Yeah, very good. And it's a very nice make. Lovely spot. I would have snapped it up myself Paul lovely so what you do do you know how these work

yeah of course because I have one myself this is the only way I like to drink coffee posh but it's very intense isn't it yeah that's why I like it

but that's a good one you can get a few cups out of that yeah you can take two or three that's quite a big one yeah a big might need a bit of a scrub but other than that

it's in really good condition yeah it's fine everything's there you've got the middle piece where you pack your high-roast espresso-style coffee, and then you put that back on the stove. On the stove? Thanks. There you go.

It's a nice way. I like making coffee that way, and you don't have one, as far as I know, so I've got you that. It's better than anything I've got you. Yeah, I know. Part for my secret special extra gift, which isn't this one. All right, well, give me your third and final special gift. This is my third and final special gift. This is my third

sort of ironic gift. Oh, it's ironic, which means it's probably a cock. There's two of them. It's two balls. They're self-help squeezables. Are they? They're like Mr. Squash.

They're like Dr. Reed Squash. They're like stretch arm socks. Oh no, they're not. They're like plastic. Squash. They're like Dr. Reed Squash. They're like... They're like hockey sacks. No, they're... Oh, no, they're not. They're like plasticine-y things. They're for relief, aren't they, if you've got a stressful job? Mate, if I need relief, I don't squeeze this. I squeeze the shaft of my penis until it emits a lovely, lovely sticky love goo.

Yes, but what if you're in the office or something and you can't... That's never stopped me. Yes, it has, Paul. It has. It has stopped me. It should, though. It should,'t that's never stopped me yes it has Paul it has it has stopped me it should because that's abuse of your co-workers

it's not such abuse of them in the corner facing up what if someone walks in and you're joshing your job job job

job job job job job job job job

job job job job job job job job

job job job job job job job job

job job job job job job squeeze it squeeze it

all it is it's just a squeeze toy yes you can just play with it and look it's very badly deformed it looks like it's got you can change the face that's what it is it's a bit It looks like it's got... No, you can change the face.

That's what it is. It's a bit like that moustache game or whatever. But you can change the face by squeezing it different ways. Not very good, is it? It's not. No. But Paul, I've also brought you something that is... It's a depressing question.

From my heart, here is a drawing I made. That you made for me? Yes. Not for you, but it's a drawing I made. So it's not for me, just showing me it. I'm gifting that piece of paper which has the drawing on to you. I'll sign it. I think that'd be nice.

You could put that in your bathroom or something and get just a cheap frame for it. Yeah. No? You're not even liking that. Okay. I can take it back. No, take it back. That's bona fide-ly a good one.

But you should. Put it, scan it, take a picture, and then we can put it on a T-shirt on our Redbubble site. This one's for you. I don't want this on a T-shirt. All right, okay. Well, then, thank you very much. It's a nice, personalised gift.

I'm going to sign it now. Sign it now. I've got... Where's that pen? I've got a biro. No, where's that... Oh, here's something as well. No, I've got...

There's a Sharpie there. I'm not going to go for a Sharpie because the line is so much thicker than everything on the actual picture that it will ruin it. Use a Sharpie. It's right there. I've got a biro here a Sharpie there. I'm not going to go for a Sharpie because the line is so much thicker than everything on the actual picture that it will ruin it. Use a Sharpie. It's right there. I've got a biro here.

It's fine. Biro's common. The whole picture is in biro. Yeah, I know. Don't do this to me. I'm fucking opening myself emotionally to you by giving you a piece of my artwork. You never open yourself up enough.

I want you to open all the way up. There, I've signed it. Great. Now it's worth 70 pence. This is meant to be a nice picture. It's nice. Does your girlfriend like art? Yeah, she does.

That's why she won't like that. Why won't she like it? It's not art, is it? Scribbles. I'm going to take it back. Scribbling. Scribbling. Scrubbles.

That's a scribble? It's just scrubbles is what it is. Scrubbles and scrubbles. This isn't even on the podcast, mate. Anyway, right. That's that segment done. The presents are out the way and the crackers are done.

It's not a good vibe. This is my party. I'm going to do some dancing. Do you really not like the drawing? No, I do like the drawing, mate. It's lovely. I will use that. That's literally a piece of artwork.

I might put it in a frame. I will put it in a frame. Thank you very much. I'll put it in a frame. Put it in a frame and put it on my wall. You don't have to. And look at it every day. Oh, a frame and put it on my wall. You don't have to. And look at it every day. Oh, Eli made that.

It's so special. You don't have to do that. And I'll stop my partner and say, look at that. And she'll go, oh, it's so beautiful. And we'll stare at it until fucking the world rots away behind us. Yeah, you've ruined everything. You've ruined everything about it. How about...

There's no recourse now. Ruined my cock. I haven't ruined your cock press the stop and let's have a sound effect let's have a sound effect Right, Paul, how are we getting out of this episode? Well, we've eaten, drunk and been merry. We've had presents.

Let's have a little recap. What was your favourite present of mine? I like the artwork. Thank you. And my favourite present from you is definitely this coffee maker. I love coffee makers like that. Every home should have one. It's the best way to have coffee. Ten minutes, blam, blam, blam. Blam, blam, blam. Nice, tasty,

rich, thick coffee. It's espresso. I like a strong taste. You get it well strong. You do, of course you do what do you use like an Illy or when you make it I have one similar to that you use pods now no no no

only for in the morning when I can't be arsed that's when I want to are you going to make a coffee you'll make it with this I make a proper coffee and you use like cold milk I have a Colombian coffee

that I put in there that I really like okay and that's a more sort of vanilla-y almost it's mellow nutty it's nutty and mellow but it's intense it is intense Colomb. Yeah. It's not this strong.

But it's intense. It is intense, Columbia. Yes, but it's got them all rounded. It's got more of a flavour. They're one of the biggest coffee makers in the world, Columbia. Yeah, well, there you go. Right, we have to get out of this episode.

We need to wrap up. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you. Oh, we need to leave. Twenty-eighteen? Eighteen? Twenty-twenty has been... Can you please not let this be representative of me this year,

what I have done on this podcast? It's pretty much representative. No, no, no. I've come up with characters this year. Have you? Inch Man. No. Who have you done?

Bill Donut. Bill Donut, which is a breakout success. He's not. He's just a rip-off of fucking Grumpy Sessions, who sings. There's also been Don McNaughton, which is my response, ladies and gentlemen.

Which is a rip-off of Jimmy Biscuits, then. Yes, but Jimmy Biscuits, you're very... Fourth process. The originator of Jimmy Biscuits mcnarvin which is my response ladies which is a rip-off of jimmy biscuits yes but jimmy biscuits you're very thought process if the originator of jimmy biscuits is very loath to bring him back from the why are you sniffing that i'm pulling my nose hairs out uh with what tweezer oh i don't need to see that oh i do not need to see that well then don't look at me ever can we just wrap this up paul look i'm gonna set light to the house because that's what you want with stupid thing Well then don't look at me. Ever. Can we just wrap this up, Paul? Look, I'm going to set light to the house because that's what you want.

A stupid thing for the end of this project. No, shut up. No, I'm lighting it. Look, here. No, we'll do it properly. I'm lighting the house up. No, we'll do it properly. No, I'm doing it now.

You do the housework. I'm just going to set fires everywhere. No, shut up. Do this properly, right? I'm not doing it properly. Eli. Oh, it's the robot house. Hello, yes.

Did you do dropsy in Plop Plop House? No, I've told you before. I didn't do nothing like that. I wanted to ask you something, robot house. Yes? What is time? Time is a fake construct completed and informed by man to break up the hours of the day. Is that it?

That's all? Time is not real. Time is a man-made construct. Everything is fleeting. I mean, robot house guy. Yes. Can I just talk to Paul outside of this, please? What do you want? You have to do the robot house self-destructing.

I know, I'm going to do that in a minute. I gave you, no, I gave you. But you haven't got there quite yet. You need to do something deeper and richer than that. I can't think of a deeper question than that. You can't think of a deeper question than what is time? Well, you said it. Yeah, but I haven't said it. You can't answer me what is time.

Time is easy. Time is invented by man to help break up the parts of the day. Yes, but what actually... I haven't said shit. It's measurements. You haven't said it. It's just a measurement. Time isn't a separate thing that exists that we discovered as a concrete basis.

It is a commonly agreed unit of movement through the tight space time continuum okay thank you so what should I say to the house to make it self-destruct

Eli hello did you finish off when you entered me before I fucking you know what I did robot house

yes I went up in there I went all round the stairs up there round into the toilet got the chodder up. I chodded it out. And I fucking spodded it off.

And then I fucking shat all around the basin. Chod knee, spod off, chod. Is this what you want? Is this what you want from me? Eli, Eli. I can't, I can't, I can't. Take more, take more. Take more, take more. I can't, I can't, I can't. Take more, take more, take more, take more.

Daisy, Daisy. I'm going to do it in a minute. I must break down this house and destroy all relevance of it. It is exterminate, exterminate. Eli, I love you and I can't live without you. I'm going to blow this house up. Paul, we have to get out. Paul, get out. Experminate. You lie. I love you and I can't live without you. I'm going to blow this house up. Paul, we have to get out. We've got to get out of here.

Grab whatever you want. The smart egg. Do you want that? I've got the coffee maker. Make sure you don't forget my drawing. I won't. Merry Christmas, everyone. Three, two, one.

I've shat the bed. Shark the Baird. Hello, ladies and gentlemen. This is after the podcast when the house blows up. We and Eli are very drunk, but thank you very much for supporting us on Patreon. Oh, thanks and gentlemen. This is after the podcast when the house blows up. We and Eli are very drunk, but thank you very much for supporting us on Patreon. Oh, thank you very much. It's going to be a good episode next week. Patreon.com forward slash Cheap Show. I'm Eli Snow. E-L-I-S-N-O-I-T.

P-A-U-L-G-N-N-O-N-S-H-O-W, which is Paul Gannon's show. And at the Cheap Show pod. Email us thecheapshow at gmail.com and the website for pictures and images that may have been there but might

not you've got to take the photos now mate thecheapshow.co.uk I've already forgotten this has not

gone well more Hennessy Hennessy we're going to carry on with our Christmas party we're going to

carry on with our Christmas party why don't you have a lot of fun as well there's no booze other than what we have right now are Christmas party. Has he got any booze in the house? You have a lot of fun as well. There's no booze other than what we have right now. Are you sure?

Yes. Yeah, I'm going to look through the cupboards. You have a look, you fucking ferret. What? You're from Liverpool. Filth ferret. You're the Liverpool. You've been all through stripping the wires out, haven't you?

Sending them up north. No. Christ. You fucking cunt. Right. Merry Christmas, everyone. Happy 2020 Christmas Whatever you do

Do look after yourself Just look after yourself Everyone And we'll see you In the new year Bye bye Bye