CheapShow - Ep 210: The Charity Shop of Chills

Episode Date: December 24, 2020

It's that time of year again to wrap up warm, hide yourself from the elements, grab some mulled wine and listen to a few spooky, wintry stories. This year, CheapShow presents 3 tales of terror to chill your spoff, each one more macabre than the last! When Paul & Eli investigate an unusual new charity shop, they are greeted by an undead creature of the night with a shop full of evil curios. He presents the cheap chaps with three items, each with a terrible tale of horror and pain... but is the last shock reserved for Paul & Eli? Who will escape the Christmas evil that is slowly enveloping them all? The Yeti & The Music Box: When a struggling rap artist is sent an interesting music box, his newfound success comes with a cost! Crunchy Centre: A small Victorian orphan boy decides to blow his hard earned pennies at a sweet shop with a hideous secret. Jailhouse Shock: What would you do to evade the electric chair? For one despicable convict, making a deal involves reading the small print. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Scare!!  (80s Synth Horror themes by White Bat Audio on YouTube) And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-210-charity-shop-of-chills If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Also, you can NOW see Eli star in "Ashens & The Polybius Heist", download it from here: https://www.watchpolybiusheist.com MERCH www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Paul is writing a book! Want to help make it happen? https://unbound.com/books/ghosts/

Oh, hello, good evening, and welcome to another episode of Cheap Show Theatre. of Cheap Show Theatre. I'm Grumpy Sessions. And you know what? Tonight is a horror-themed episode. I like a thrill, me. I also starred in a horror once, in the 80s.

The Ice Cream Man cometh. I was the Ice Cream Man of the title. And my method, my character's method of killing the other characters was all with the ice creams that he had in his van, you see. And he got a zoom, put a zoom right through someone's sternum. And in one very memorable scene, I shoved a cornet right up someone. Anyway, they wouldn't give me a role in this plaything. And now on to our feature presentation. Cheap Show Theatre presents...

Charity Shop of Jews. I'm not going to lie. The original of the birdie song. My good, not interested. We could do that on the episode. Yeah, maybe in a future episode. What did you get? I just got a few things for Christmas. You got what you needed, yeah? Yeah, I got a little Christmas turkey. Okay. I got some sprouts, some veg.

Got it all from Grumbly Farms. Grumbly Farms. I've heard they're good. Yeah, Grumbly Farms do some really interesting taste fusions. Aromatic, that's what they say. It's like this one is peaches and gash salt. I'm not quite sure what that is. Hang on, what's what they say It's like this one is peaches and gash salt I'm not quite sure what that is Hang on, what's this as well?

Sausages made of... Oh shit, they're made of shit Well, you've ruined that one then for me, that reveal In fact, they're not sausages, they're just shit Where's the bus stop, by the way? It's up the road We could probably take a little diversion down this alleyway. Alright, yeah, because I'm ready to go home now anyway.

Yeah, I've got everything. Alright, let's go down. Oh, hang on. Have you ever seen that charity shop before? Have you seen that one? No. That's weird, I thought I'd seen all the shops on this street. It's hidden away.

You can't see it directly from the street, I suppose. Yeah, weird. Is it open? Yeah, no, it looks like it. The lights are on. I've never seen that logo before. No, it's weird. It's like, it looks like a mouth with something going in it. I don't know, it before. No, it's weird. It looks like a mouth

with something going in it. You know what I mean? It looks like it's sucking a lollipop or something. I don't want to say what I think that looks like. It's a weird mouth with sharp teeth. It's weird. What's it called? Hang on. Transylvania Blood Rescue.

TBR. No, you sometimes see that. I've never been in one. I've been to Oxfam do you want to have a little little look have you got time though well yeah because the buses are every 10 minutes all right okay well let's pop in oh this will be exciting a new charity shop i wonder what stuff they've got in there we could get a price of shite oh yeah we could do that oh all right let's pop in we've got a few minutes let's pop in what's the worst that can happen we could die that's the worst that can happen? We could die. That's the worst that could happen.

Isn't it? It's always the worst that could happen. Death is ever-present, and it's the worst that could happen. Keep it cheerful. Christmas episode. We're not keeping it fucking cheerful, though, are we? It's brain control. All right, come on.

Come in the shop. Let's go in the fucking shop. Oh. Welcome in, boys. in the fucking shop. Ah. Ah, ah, ah, ah. Welcome in, boys. Welcome into my charity shop. Hello.

It's you. Hello. I've seen you before, haven't I? You're a... It's a... A charity shop vampire. It's a charity shop vampire, Paul. It is I. And you know what I like to do?

Oh, go on. Hit me with it. I want... Yeah. I want... What do you want? He's going to say it, ladies and gentlemen. what I like to do? Oh, go on, hit me with it. I want, yeah, I want. What do you want? He's going to say it, ladies and gentlemen, he's going to say it. I want to suck your dick. Okay, well, I'm going to leave, Paul, because... Why? Well, you can just get sucked off by Charity Shop

Vampire, can't you? Yes, I don't, I'm not pushy. I don't mind who does it. He is pushy. I do it, I fuck. You are pushy, though, aren't you, Charity Shop Vampire? Well, from what I've heard, you've got not good... Look, you just blow... I'm going to have a look around. You don't have much to work with.

I'm having a look around. Not pull off. I'm going to see what's over here. Mind my books on this shelf. You knocked them all onto the ground. Sorry. Sorry, I'll put them up. See, we're putting them back.

I'll put them back. See, there we go. Mate, you should really get some bookends for that or something, then that wouldn't happen in the future. Yes, well, maybe dickheads who wander around not walking where they should be going falling into things. All right, all right. Maybe that should be something they think about. All right, do you still want a piece of this? You want to go? I'm going right off you. I'll tell you this for now. You don't want to suck my cock. I don't want to suck your cock. Paul is up in the air. Okay, right. What have you got in here, suck my cock. I don't want to suck your cock. Paul, he's up in the air.

Okay, right. What have you got in here, then? Stuff. I know, it's huge. Yeah, no, it's a really impressive little place. We love this. It's not little, Paul. Look at this fucking height of those ceilings.

It goes on forever, it seems like. It's very musty. No, it's just because you're small. It's musty. I'm seeing this as a normal room. It's huge. No, it's not. You're small. That's why.. I'm seeing this as a normal room. It's huge! No, it's not. You're small. That's why. Your hands are fucking big as well.

I've never noticed that. No, you're just small. What are you saying up there? It's a normal shop. Anyway, I love this kind of little bric-a-brac-y. It's all very arcane and ornate. Yes, well, that is because the maid won't come in no more.

She had a little strop and I had to let her go, unfortunately. But they are in the way of getting someone to clean as soon as I can. Okay, I'm glad. Yes. You don't have to tell me. I don't want you saying I run a dirty shop. Well, it's a bit dusty. It's a bit dusty, but...

Come on. I have nothing to say to that. You've arrived. So anyway, how about you show us around? What have you got? Yeah, charity shop vampire. Come on. Show us the goods.

Well, it's interesting. Got any records? No. We don't have any records. Source? All we have is 8-track and Miley Cyrus poster from Wrecking Ball video. Baby, I'm a firework. Oh, no, that's Katy Perry.

I'm very confused. They're all alike in my mind. What else? Okay, fine, no records. But do you have any other things that might be good on the podcast for us? Well, it's interesting. Every single item in this store has an interesting story attached to it. Well, some of them I can see are actual books.

Yeah, no, well, they will have a story. There's a story in them. Yeah, because they're books. That's the big story. That's fucking... You know what? Jack and fucking Jill. I know that story.

I don't want to suck your dick. Okay, fine. I haven't had a bath today anyway. Oh, now I've changed my mind. I like the stinky pink. I like the stinky pink. I like the stinky. Come on. What have you got here then?

Right, well, yeah, come on. Please just What's that one there? What's that? Ah, interesting. That this is a very scary item. Why? This little box may look innocent, and yet it is packed with a

story tragic and true. It's like a music box. Shall I? Get your hands off for it is deadly and it would we should never open the box. Where does it originate? I don't recognize that kind of writing that's on the side of it. Sit down, little boys, for I'm about to tell you the tale of the Yeti and the Music Box. Ha ha ha! I want to suck your cock.

Not you, Stinky. Ha ha ha! oh okay i hope this is recording this is my last it's the last thing anyone might hear from me but i wanted to tell the story because i was responsible for this. So it all started on a perfectly normal Monday. Monday morning, it was Mount Glop Pants, I had my coffee, you know. I was a bit worried because my album hadn't been selling very well at all. And this new comer, as far as I'm concerned, this Bill Donut, he's lighting up the shots like a firework. He's always playing on the radio.

That morning he was playing on rotation on the morning programme I like to listen to. Okay, it's number one again with a new hit from an old sport, an old salty type. But he's won over the kids and the adults love him It's Bill Donut with his hit Mother used it to wash it Oh, mother, will you wash it And wash it with a bat Don't wash it with the doggy

Or don't wash it with the cat If anything you do Do not cause me harm Oh, mother, will you wash it with your palm Nice and soapy, mother will you wash it with your palm And then I'll come in your gob I mean, what is this even music? It's terrible, what's he going on about?

Is mother washing, what's she washing her? It sounds like she's washing his little dinkle there I don't know. My songs aren't about that. They're about, like, wagon nuts and stuff. But anyway, I need some inspiration, you know. The last album didn't go down so well. And I just need something, some kind of hook, some kind of little jingle that will revive my... I need a hit, baby. I need a hit. Oh.

Oh. Oh, there's somebody at the door. That's unexpected. Who could that be? I'll just go over here and open the door. Hello? Hello. Hi, yes.

I got a post for Mr... Who is this? That's a fucking... It's the Teen Yeti. I haven't got my fucking glasses. T... T... T... T... T... T... T... T... T... T... T... T... T... T... T... T... T... T... T... T... T... T... T... T... T... T... T... T... T... T... T... T... T... T... T... T... T... T... T... T... T... T... T... T... T... T... T... T... T... T Yeti. I haven't got my fucking glasses. T... T... T... Yeti.

No, hang on. Mr. T. Yeti Esquire. No, J... J... J. Tati. What's that? J. Tati. Is J. Tati here? It's me. Just hand it over, yes.

All right, here we go. J. Tati. Here you go. Sign it for that. Thank you. Sign it. That could be worth money to sign one. You've signed this ex-Maffie now.

What's that about? No, it's fucking teen yeti. Well, anyway, I don't give a fuck. It's Christmas. Happy Christmas. Enjoy your package. Mind yourself on the way down the hill. Oh, fucking, fucking.

They always fall out in there. It's craggy where I live. Oh, it's a box. Very exciting. I'll bring this in and, oh, let's see what's in here. Oh, hello. There's a letter attached in here. That's interesting. Someone must have sent it. Perhaps it's a fan. Dear Tiet, I hear you've been struggling these days in the Sharks. Oh, I wonder why. Anyway, I thought to help you out with your struggling career, I'd offer you some inspiration.

This letter is attached to an interesting bit of objet d'art, a music box. Some say a music box that's been crafted from space aliens. Anyway, I thought it would inspire you. Best of luck. A.S. Oh my god, it's adolescent Sasquatch. He's not dead, he somehow survived the incident in the train. Oh my god, what is this thing from outer space? It looks like it could be from outer space. It's all green with neon bits around the edges.

There seems to be some inscriptions in raised lettering, but the lettering's not like anything I've ever seen. Let's see if there's a little handle here, and let's see what this music box sounds like. Oh, that's very interesting. ASAS was onto something with this music box from outer space. I'm going to put this down on tape straight away. Come on, music box from outer space. We're going to the lab. I immediately took this mysterious music box down into my recording studio and from that point on I was like a yeti possessed.

I worked day and night on the special beat that the music box was saying to me was within its Tinkle tinkle melody and I I got some good producers to send some work in as well on it and After about two weeks solid my jam was ready to release So I sent it all the radio stations all the media outlets all over the world, and then it dropped. And by golly, it was a banging dropper. Boing, boing, boing, boing, boing! It's three minutes past eight in the morning, and it's Spoff FM, and we've got some hot tunes coming up today but first as promised before because I'm not a liar I'm gonna play you the new track from you haven't heard a bit a while but he's back now he's a teen yeti and he's got a brand new hit and we've heard and listened to it before before we played

this on the show before yeah it's quite good this isn't it we're excited to play it for you you're gonna love it your mum's gonna love it your dad probably will love it too everyone's gonna love it we love it here so let's play right now, it's Teen Yeti with his new stomping stomp hit. It's called Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na. Team Yeti, slurping up spaghetti And if you come to battle me you know you will regret it Kung Fu Griptid from the fucking house Mount Rock Pants is the name of my house Now let me tell you about the making of this tune It's a catchy little number that we'll all be having soon. It's a mind screen saver with a music box flavour.

Do yourself a favour, cause this tune can change behaviour. This can pump out a space that can potentially control the human race. Nothing is the same and you're gonna feel no pain when this earworm that's insane manifests in your brain. Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na Na na na na na na Ooh! Na na na na na na Asia's coming back from the grave! Na na na na na na

Na na na na na na Na na na na na na Oh yeah, team Yik Yik Yaw Yeh! Ooh! Oh yeah, team Yik Y yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah,

oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, As soon as Na Na Na Na Na Na na dropped it was an instant smash across the internet across the radio

on telly i was hot yeti shit again and i flew all around the world doing interviews about it about the music box it's a nice practice here i get it out, dinkle dinkle. It was a huge hit. You know, Billboard number one as well, all of that. Legit, legit hit, you know, not just like downloads. Downloads was through the roof. I was a star again. It was huge. You know, you used to hear people singing it all over the place.

People were humming it, singing it everywhere. It was, everybody was singing along to it. It it everywhere. It was, everybody was singing along to it. It was amazing. It was just so catchy. Maybe a little bit too catchy. That was five months ago now, and it was too catchy. No one could concentrate. They kept singing the song all the time, and they didn't go to work. They didn't go anywhere. They just looked at the wall, and everything started to break down. There was planes falling literally out of the sky, onto cars, onto the motorways, all

smashing up everywhere. People didn't make no sandwiches no more. I couldn't get sandwiches at all anywhere. I thought, what is this world with no sandwiches at all? Like baguettes, that was right out. No bread. Then suddenly there was no bread at all, and there was no one on the streets, it was all just smashed up, and then the sky, the sky's all got black,

black, everything's on fire, and the sky's really black, and I could just hear the song is still getting played everywhere, who is running the radio stations who is broadcasting my song they play it everywhere i had to get out of here i went back to mount gothpans i'd been in a villa in spain enjoying some very pleasant company at the time but it got too much i got a plane i had to chart a very very posh plane actually and i got it back i back. I got back to Mount Gropans. That was several months ago now, and I've barricaded myself in here. It's just me and the scribbles.

And I'm running out of fresh skiddies. I have to feed them. I'm going to have to feed them my own skid marks. It's a matter of deciding which scribbles are my favourite, which is not a decision I ever wanted to have to make. Little scribbles, dying. Because I ain't got no skiddies, shitty skiddies to eat.

Shitty skiddies to eat. Oh, I'm going to have to lay low. I'll report that. at Lalo. I'll report that though. And now I'm running out of time. I tried to cancel the tune, you know. I tried to retract the release and also I bombed a few of the radio stations but they must have triangulated my position

because they're all, They seemed to be closing in I can hear them coming up the street Up my clock pants And the scribbles are They're dying, I can't even shit I can't act as a kid anymore I'm hardly eating anything myself What the

Oh they're banging on the door now They're banging on all the doors They've got all over Oh, they're banging on the door now. They're banging on all the doors. They've got all over. Oh, no, they're coming in. Oh, no. Leave me alone. Oh, no. Stop.

Don't leave me. Oh, just bounce all the scribbles in. Take care of me. Oh, don't leave me. Don't leave me. Don't leave me. Don't leave me. And as they dragged poor Tignetti away, they could hear his screams as they tore him apart.

But... And the music box ended up here. Yeah, but that can't be true. Yeah, no, that can't be true. Tignetti was on telly the other night. He was on that haircutting show. Yeah. Remember he got kicked off the show

because he tossed off one of the producers? Well, it was because of the wagon nuts. Yeah, other night he was on that that haircutting show yeah remember he got kicked off the show because he tossed off one of the producers well it was because of the wagon nuts yeah well he was they were like that woman walked out because she's like

I refuse to deal with this shit and he's like cut my wagon nuts off cut my wagon nuts yeah it was a bit unprofessional wasn't it it's good though

good TV though great TV but it's going to damage his career further that isn't it yeah but you know would you want to deal with a smelly wagon nut

off a yeti's arse? I mean, we did. I mean, the awards, remember? Yeah. I was sick for seven hours. It's powerful stuff. It was, mate. I've still got a little bit of a psychoactive poo-poo ball in my back pocket.

Well, you can smoke some. You can smoke some around the corner. I'm not touching that stuff ever again. It was too much of it. It's not my thing. Would you shut up, you two? It was a true spooky story. Nah.

And the box is evil. No, it isn't. No, it's obviously not evil. It's not evil. It's all right, though. Yeah, no, it's a nice looking thing, but it's not. It looks nice. You got anything else?

Have I got anything else? I've got many things around here. I know you've got many things, but could you say... What about this little interesting item? This is a glass jar. Look at this. Ah, What about this little interesting item? This is a glass jar. Look at this. Ah, what? Yeah, no, it's just a glass jar.

How is that interesting? Yeah, it's just a glass. It looks like a paperweight. Is that serious? Yes, but it is what it used to contain, which is the spooky story. What? Spuff.

Not spuff. Is that like, have you done your spit back? Is that an Uncle Grumbly's recycling? Have you put a spit back? Have you knobbed Josh someone off of your mouth round here and spat it into a snow globe and you're trying to sell it to us? If you're going to be jealous, don't come in. I'm not jealous, mate.

I didn't wash today. It's fine. I understand if you don't want any of this niffy, this niffy winky. I have a question. Is your bumhole awful dirty? Oh, is my bumhole dirty now? I'm just asking if it's dirty. I thought you wanted to suck my cock.

Yeah, but I like the ambience. Oh. Can we just get on with this? Sorry. Tell us the story of this magic jar. Oh, no. It is an interesting story. Sit down again, young boys.

Oh, okay. Oh, fuck you now. But it is time to tell the story. Nice sofa you got in there. Sit down again, young boys. Oh, okay. Oh, fuck it now. But it is time to tell the story. Nice sofa you got in there. Of the sick... Shut up, I'm doing the intro. All right, I'm just... It is time to tell the story of the scariest sweet shop in old Londinium.

It's not the best title. Lavender, get your lavender. Blowjobs, blowjobs for sale. Shitpipe, who's going to have a shitpipe? Come on, who wants a reach around? Only 50, Bob. Josh, my broth off. 20, Bob. Josh, my broth off. Excuse me bob! Josh, my broth-off!

Excuse me, you boy, come over here. Oh, yes sir, straight away, yeah. I have a dirty shoe. Would you clean my shoe for me, you filthy, dirty orgy on the streets? Of course I will. Yes, I will, I will, mister. No problem, no problem, mister. Right away. Right you are. Scrub, scrub, scrub. Oh, there you go, jobs are good and there you go mister. You call that a clean shoe? That's a monkey could do better than that you sick little child. Why don't you piss off? Pfft.

Piss off, come on, let's go away. Look at the dirty poor old friend. Oh, at least he spat on me. Oh, you get half a grope for that down the spitter. I'll have to wipe it on my shoe first. It's so terrible out here, especially bad this season, actually. Being an orphan and a little urchin as well. I do a bit of urchinry, some orphanaging around.

And I like it, but, you know, it is hard. It's hard hours. All I want is a little bit of wolf. I've got these matches, but, you know, you've got to sell the matches, don't you? You've got to sell them. You've got to sell them. Oh, look, there's Bobby Jack, my friend. Hello, orphan boy, how you doing?

Alright, my Flynn, Bobby Jack, how you doing? How's the street teacher treating you? Little Bobby's an urchin like me, you see. Oh, yeah, I'm an urchin boy. Little urchin boy. My god, by the, Bobby Jack, how you doing? How's the street teacher treating you? Little Bobby's an urchin like me, you see. Oh, yeah, I'm an urchin boy. Little urchin boy. I got by the name Bobby Jack because I like... My name's Bobby and Jack. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anyway, I just earned 50p. What? 50p? I've never seen or not heard of so much money in me whole little life. All I had to do was touch the dirty snake of a sailor and he gave me 50p. Oh, really? He said he got it from another country. That's unsurprising, yeah. You're a child prostitute. That's the theme we're going with, is it? Child prostitution. Oh, get on with the story. Anyway, he made this dirty snake spit at me. Oh, for fuck's sake. And then he gave me 50p.

So to celebrate for Christmas, I'm going to treat myself. I'm going to go to that new sweet shop up the road. What? And I'm going to go in there because they've got all the best new sweets. You should see them. They've got the best sweets. What sweets have they got? They've got Madame Fanny's biscuits.

Fanny's biscuits? What do they smell like? Oh, I don't know, but I've never tried one. What sweets have they got? They've got Madame Fanny's biscuits. Fanny's biscuits? What do they smell like? Oh, I don't know, but I've never tried one. What else have they got? What other kind of sweets do they have there? They've got packets

of Bibbly Bobs. Bibbly Bob packets? Yeah. Do they sell individual Bibbly Bobs as well? Yeah, they do. They sell them a lot. I like those.

You can get those for half a Bob Opsies. They sell Foxy Stouts. Foxy Stouts as well? What do they do with those? You pop them on your tongue And they fizz And they fizz like what

Like a little fizzing thing Like on your tongue Anyway I'm going to go to the shop It's so wonderful It's like it's made of magic I'm going to go Have you got money for sweets Oh I ain't got no money for nothing

Oh that's a shame isn't it Oh where am I going to get a penny I guess you can't have any sweets I just want some gobstoppers. Bye. You missed that one. Gobstoppers. I know.

Yeah, bye-bye, Bobby Jack. Cockstoppers. Yeah, cock that. Cock this. Bye, I'm off now. I've got to go sweet shopping. Sweet shop. Sweet shop.

What the fuck am I going to do? I'm out here. I ain't got nothing. I only got me matches. I'll keep trying to sell them. Oh, I got that spit from earlier. Oh, it's so tough being an orphan, especially at Christmas. You know what I could do with?

God blimey, I could do with one of them old Christmas miracles. Oh, walking down. I haven't been down here. Oh, this is a new street to me. I always have to traipse around the whole city. What's that? Oh, I can't believe street to me. I always have to traipse around the whole city. What's that? Oh, I can't believe it. That must be that sweet shop. That old Bobby Jack was going on about it.

He weren't half going on about it. But it does look very impressive. Oh, Mr. Mistoffelos' Sweets Emporia. Oh, look at that. They've got a very impressive display, if I don't say so myself. There's one up there. Fanny one's up there.

Ooh, purple shirters. Oh, I like that shirt. It tastes very purpley on the tongue. Ooh, they've got boom-booms. Boom-booms. Chocolate boom-booms. I love a chocolate boom-boom. Oh, what else have they got?

What's this one here? I've never seen a sweet like that before. That must be a new one or something like that. What's it? Oh, blimey. Bobby Jack. Choose Bobby Jack. That's funny. It's the same name as my friend

who told me about this sweet shop. Let's see. bobby jacks do look like they're very tasty oh they look delicious they got they got like a lime and chocolate oh they look like they might be a bit sour as well i love them as sour oh they are amazing how much oh who am i trying to fool? I couldn't afford those for the moon years. Oh, well, there'll be no sweeties for me this Christmas. I'll just have to go off down here. You know, maybe sleep in some shit again, like I always do.

You know, eat this snot. I won't take it to the spit, really. I'll just suck it up, suck some filthy phlegm off me own shoe. Oh, oh, what's that? I saw something all a-tinkling, glittery in the gutter, winking at me. Oh, what? Why, it couldn't be. Oh, no, it can't be. Look at it, tinkling in the vibrations of my eyes.

Oh, it's a miracle. It's a half-crowned tutney piece. They're golden. Glinting in the morning sun. Oh, I wonder if the shop's still open and I could get sweets right away. Oh, yes, just up there. Oh, don't close the shop. Oh, I hope they've still got those Bobby Jacks. Oh, they look like... Oh, here we go. It's open. Oh, bloody, it's the most amazing sweet shop I've ever seen in my little old life. Wow, there's jars of everything.

Confectionery products from all over the world, it looks like. Look at those bonbons. Oh, different sizes of bonbons. Oh, here's the shop owner now. Ah, yes. Oh, lovely little thing. Come on in. Come on in, little orphan boy.

Welcome to my special little sweet shop. Thank you very much. Isn't it lovely in here? Isn't it lovely? Thank you, mister. There's so many delightful things. No, thanks. Now, ah, you look a little bit worse for wear, little boy.

Are you sure you can afford the delights I have in my sweet emporium? Oh, don't worry. I've got half a hundred crowned sevensways here. There is a special one minted in the Majesty's Mint Works. Oh, that's, i wouldn't want to even guess how you earn such coin but that's real money and you can use it in my shop what would you like we have some uh cranny bangers would you like some cranny bangers they go pop and fizz in your mouth oh i was gonna ask what's the general flavor it's it's it's like a kind of violet

liqueur it's a violet popping candy liqueur. It's a violet liqueur. A popping candy liqueur. Well, no, you know what? That does sound very nice, but I had my mind set on a different sweet. What about a tingle smash?

Tingle smash? Woo-hoo-hoo! Now, they're a lollipop and they are laced with sweet and sour layers all the way down to a bubbly gum centre. Woo-hoo-hoo!

A lovely little thing. A bubbly gum centre, you say? Oh, lovely thing. Oh, that sounds like a chuck me fudge oh no that i'm not interested in that what are you interested in little boy i have my heart my little little heart set on the bobby jacks i'll have um uh now give us a half measure of Bobby Jacks. I see you've seen... No crispy bits.

I see you've seen the Bobby Jacks. Oh, they look like the best sweets in the shop, mister. Now, they are a very, very special sweet indeed. They look like a very special sweet. And I do not recommend without giving fair warning first. Oh, what's a warning? What's a warning? What could affect me?

I live on a fucking street. I eat my own shit. They are made of a very special ingredient, little boy. Very special ingredient. A little bit secret, but it's a secret. Is it delicious? Is it delicious? It's sometimes too delicious. Oh, nothing's too delicious for me. Well, I tell you what, I'll let you have one, and just to see if you enjoy it. Oh, right, whatever, but it's going to be tough getting change out of this half crown and tuppence.

No, the first one is for free, Just to see if you can take it. Oh, the first one's free. That's nice. Here you go. Now, look at these lovely Bobby Jacks. See how the green boiled sweet glistens in the light. I am fair to salivating. As I hold it up against the Christmas tree lights,

you see how it sparkles. And yet on the inside, the silhouette of chocolate swirl seems to appear to be almost human in its form. Don't you agree? Well, I don't give a shit. I'm just hungry for sweets. Here, have a Bobby Jack. Oh, this moment. Oh, my chibbles, my jibby-jibbies.

Oh, such a delicious sweet. I want at least, at least two more of those. Ah, you can have as many as you like with the money you have there, but I warn you. Put my money on the table. Just keep them coming. Here's another one then. Yeah. Take another one.

Would you like another little boy? Just keep them coming. Just fucking, just don't talk. Here we go. Don't talky-talky. Are you sure? Fucking give us the Bobby Jackie right down in the garden. Here we go. Don't talkie talkie. Are you sure? Fucking give us to Bobby Jackie. Right down in the gutter.

Here we go. Here's another Bobby Jackie. Are you feeling any different? Maybe a little sleepy. Maybe have another more. You've got it. You can afford it, little boy. You greedy, fat, little piggy boy.

Oh, I'm going to have one more. Here you go. Eat it. Did you taste the bones? Oh, I can't stay awake. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Where am I? I just... Oh! What kind of dream was I having? I was having a nice dream. Where am I now?

Ah, I see you're awake, little boy. Wonderful. Now, you may be wondering why you're strapped down in a big brass bathtub. Oh, I like a bath. I need a bath. Well, unfortunately for you, You may be wondering why you're strapped down in a big brass bathtub. Oh, I like a bath. I need a bath, though, to be fair. Well, unfortunately for you, I need to explain that you've wandered into one of my interesting new culinary suite confectionery experiments.

Well, I need a job. Is this paid? Is this paid? Well, no. In many respects. Do you remember your friend Little Bobby Jacks? Bobby Jack, yeah. Yes. Do you remember the sweets that you ate? He was a bit of a cunt to me, actually. Well. He was a cunt.

You literally... At the beginning of the story, he was tired of talking. Cunt to me. You know, so... Well, you ate him. I had motivation to, because he acted like a cunt. You know what? You're a horrible little child, and I'm going to turn you into sweets.

Oh. I've looked at you and I've gotten the measure of your character and your ungrateful, spiteful little imp from the dirty, dirty side of the streets. And I want to sell you as a sweet confectionary treat. I'll get that now, yeah. So if you look above you, you'll see a

boiling vat of molten sugar syrup flavoured with a raspberry swirl. Oh, raspberry, like raspberry. I am going to pour it upon you. Have you used, it's got like beaver, have you used castoreum? You should be a bit more concerned.

Beaver musk to use. The only ingredients you need to concern yourself with, little boy. Ah, yes. It's not beaver arsehole, as long as it's not beaver arsehole. No, the only arsehole in this is going to be you, little boy. Oh yeah? Because you, little boy. Come on. Oh, yeah? Because you are the ingredient.

I got it, yeah. I have been building a laboratory. Right. And in it is the latest... Oh, that's where all this machinery is. Is that where this machinery is? The latest equipment of the new dawn of the new century, the 20th century, where things will change. And I...

Things are bubbling. I will be in charge of the new candy frontier, little boy. Sparks. There's all sparks coming. Yes. Sparks coming off stuff. You are going to be part

of a great world-saving venture. There are too many mouths to feed. Too many people on the streets. I'm doing a monologue like a villain does. So here we go. All right, go on then. So you're going to die,

so don't be so cavalier, little boy. All right. Calm down. You're just taking so fucking long. Here we go. All right, go on then. So you're going to die, so don't be so cavalier, little boy. All right. Calm down. You're just taking so fucking long. Here we go. There are too many mouths to feed on the streets, and I thought to myself,

why not turn those mouths into food themselves and feed the upper echelons of society, those who can afford to eat the poor? So I thought I'll turn anyone on the street into my Candyland factory. Delicious treats, but yet so delicious that I will cure the world of its hungry mouths and you will be a delicious treat for the Queen of England, little boy.

Oh, that sounds good. I mean, come on, have you done it now? Yes. Can we get on with making me into a sweetheart? Or can we, you know... You know, you should be a bit more frightened. I would have thought this would be a bit more terrifying. Well, I was frightened five minutes ago

before all this yapping, yabbit, rabbit, rabbit. All day long. Right, that's it. Shut up, little boy. I know I'm an orphan, but you do sound like my mum. Here's a lever. It's a lovely little thing. Oh, that's very hot.

It's all droopy. It's all going all over Paul. How about that, you little shit? Eat that. Shut your fucking mouth, you little shit prick. Should have done that five fucking minutes ago. Noisy little arsewipe. Anyway, ah, now he is covered completely, submerged in my lovely hot syrup.

Now to freeze and then phase two. Phase two is where I shrink him down. And then he joins my shop as the most delightful treat. Throw the switch! Oh, thank God. It was all just a dream. That was a really nasty dream. I'd better get back to the grifting and selling the matches. Hang on a second.

Why am I... I can't move. I'm surrounded by raspberry flavoured solid air of some sort and oh my god I'm tiny I'm like a little mouse I'm mouse sized I'm up on his shelf

oh my oh no oh hang on one second he was absolutely right. I thought he was talking shit. He's just, he's turned me into a sweet. Oh, no. I'm going to be, oh, I'm going to be eaten alive.

I'm a sweet. I'm a sweet. I'm going to be eaten. Oh, no. Hello. I'm the fucking queen. Ah, oh, yes, your majesty. I was told of your arrival. And, oh, I'm so very Queen. Ah, ooh, yes, your majesty. Ah, I was told of your arrival,

and, oh, I'm so very grateful for you to visit us on this special time of the year. Just give me some fucking sweets, you sycophantic man. Okay, well, I do have a delicious new candy that's come in, something a cut above the rest. Put it in one's gobble. Would you like to try this sweet... I've already indicated that, you little peasant.

Ah, yes. Try this one, Your Majesty. It's called a Minty Orphan Boy, a raspberry minty boiled sweet confection with a rather crunchy centre. Oh, sounds absolutely delicious. Bring it forth to the Queen. Ah, Your Majesty, Here, take this. Oh, majesty, please

don't eat it. I've been a good lad all my life. I've been a faithful servant of yours and served under the crown. Oh, please don't eat me. Mama, please. Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! I'm a cool baby. Well, as the queen, I'd just like to say that sweet was fucking delicious. Well, thank you, your majesty. Come back any time. Maybe I will. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Strangely, only a few days later, the shop burned down in a spooky fire,

and all that survived was this jar. So, end of the story. Yeah, but, uh, that's a... You can tell those are cola cubes. That's a jar of cola cubes. Yeah, that's obviously, like, it's actually just got, it's on the glass there, it says 1976 this was made. Nice job, but it's definitely not from

a Victorian sweet shop. And I can see there's like a cola cube that's melted in the bottom of that. It's been on the shelf for a long time. Well, listen, I need to go to the toilet. You've got a toilet in here? Yes, it's obviously... Why do you keep knocking? Sorry. Why do you keep knocking over the books? I don't understand your long time. Well, listen, I need to go to the toilet. You've got a toilet in here? Yes, it's up this way. Why do you keep knocking? Sorry. Why do you keep knocking over the books? I don't understand your

fucking problem. You've got too many books, Vlad. Well, look, mate, if you just put bookends up at either end of that thing, you wouldn't have this problem. You know what I mean? You just need some bookends. That's fine. It's that simple. Thank you, Paul. Is there a toilet? I don't have any to hand right now. Is there a toilet? There's a toilet up there. Well, I could give my stuff a little sink wash, if you, Paul. Well, I don't have any to hand right now. Is there a toilet? There's a toilet up there.

Well, I could give my stuff a little sink wash, if you'd like. I don't know why I want you to say it. I don't want it. I'm sorry. Honestly, say it. Just for old time's sake, say it one more time. If it's not real, it's not happening. Well, have you got anything else?

Because I think, Paul, this is losing its flavour. Look, have you got anything else? Because I think, Paul, this is losing its flavour. Look, have you got anything else? Because we want to go home. It's Christmas. We've got to go home. I've got milk here. I've got fish fingers.

Strictly condensing. I've got fish fingers are melting, Paul. Yes. And they're melting onto my seven-inch singles. Yes. The Crankies.

Remember that? The Crankies. If you've got nothing else to sell. I've also got the original of the Birdie song in there. Well, why don't you stop going on about it, you cheesy dick, dirty asshole scummer?

Oh, don't. I never said nothing about my asshole. I imagined it so. I do have one more spooky item. Oh, go on then. It is this. This is just like one of those old Nokias. But it looks kind of grimy.

It is a spooky burner phone. Paul, have a little huff on the What's wrong with it Oh god It smells like someone's Arse It smells like sweaty arse It's got a real crack That's because it has been

Up the bum hole Merry Christmas Bum hole Would you like to know has been up the bumhole! Ha ha ha! Merry Christmas, bumhole! Would you like to know how it got into my store? Oh, I... Yes, why not? Ruler three, let's get it up. Please, yeah, do it.

It begins in a prison not too far from this very location. One that has a dark curse upon it. I'm sorry. Randolph, stand up. Ruff, ruff. What is it, screw? Ah, well, I just thought... Never... Can I just put something in here? Yes. Yes?

Yeah. Don't forget Jenkins. You're getting paid, ruff, ruff. Yes. Yeah, well... What is it now? You give me the kick, man. Just show a bit of humility, ruff, ruff.

Everyone's paying for it here. I know you've been very good to me. I've been very good. But unfortunately, I can't change the law. Have you got the piss? Lady piss. I need lady piss. Ruff Ruff.

I need to smell it again. Ruff Ruff. Well, I didn't see there was much point considering tomorrow you're going to the chair. Yeah, Ruff Ruff, so they say. Things can change very quickly in the world of Brandoff. No, it's a done deal, they said to me. Oh, did they really? Well, look, just had the piss over. There's got to be the press there to take pictures of your frying corpse, Brando.

I'm expecting a last-minute reprieve of some sort, Ruff, ruff, ruff. The things I've done for you. Jenkins, you have been good, OK? I've threatened my wife and family, and I've had no choice but to do your dirty deeds. It's business, Jenkins. I had to threaten them. So, yeah, I've served you well while you've been in the clink. But tomorrow, I'll be throwing the switch on your jittery-joddery-fry-biscuit-burny corpse.

Oh, will you, Jenkins? Well, listen, screw. You may think I'm going to face the chair tomorrow, but don't put it past Brandoff to come up with some kind of entrepreneurial scheme. Well, you know what? In the intervening hours, Ruff Ruff, I'll save my bacon this time again.

I'm Richard Brandoff, Ruff Ruff. It fucking goes on. Listen, the other reason why I came by... Give me the piss. Give me the lady's piss, Ruff Ruff. There's no point giving you piss. But I have got this instead. Someone dropped off this mysterious package today. And I've been told to look the other way.

So I'm dropping it off and that's the last fucking thing I'm doing for you. Leave it with me. The last fucking thing I'm doing for you. Leave it with me. Here's your package. Alright. See you tomorrow, Brandoff. Yes, thank you, Jenkins.

Ruff, ruff, ruff. Let's see what we've got here. Well, let's see what we've got here. Well, let's have a look. Let's see what we've got here. I'll open this up. Oh, a mobile phone. Very handy. That's good. Okay, now there's a note here.

Let's see. Dear Brandoff, I'll call you soon. In the meantime, keep this phone somewhere safe. No one signed it. Ruff, Ruff. Right, this phone. Oh no, they're going to do the check at 8pm and... I've got to put this somewhere. Right. Ruff, Ruff, there's nothing for it, I suppose.

Put it right up my arse. Ruff Ruff, there's nothing for it I suppose. Just put it right up my arse. You're a RUFF! RUFF! Right. That brings a tear to the eye but... Oh for fuck's sake, Ruff Ruff. Oh for fuck's sake, Ruff Ruff.

This is ridiculous, I have to get it back out again. This is ridiculous, I have to get it back out again. Oh, fuck me! Shit! Ah, now, oh. Oh, the call was dropped. Ruff, Ruff, oh well. Nothing for it, gotta keep it safe.

Oh, Fuck me! Good. You are joking. Fucking... Ruff, ruff. There we go. Ruff! Ruff, ruff, there it goes. Ruff, ruff, ruff. Hello? Who is this?

Oh, hello. It's a mysterious friend. Don't threaten me. I'm Richard Brunoff and I'm very unhappy. I've got suction. Maybe you won't be unhappy for much longer if you do something for me. Alright, who is this? I can get you off. Alright. Death Row.

Get me off Death Row, right, yes. Oh, I forgot about that. If you want to play my games. Alright, alright, whoever this is. I mean, I've played some games in my time. And we'll see who the big player of games is. If you really want to avoid the electric chair, you've got to do what I say. What is it? I can do anything. I've got no morals in here.

It's made me a dirty, desperate Brandoff. I've got powers, you see. Right, OK. I've got things I can do as well, you know. Yes, all right, yes. I've got a little... How do you say? What? I've got a little... How do you say? What?

I've got a little challenge for you. All right, what is it? Come on. If you want to avoid the chair... Ruff, ruff. Of course I do. I want you to cut off a pinky and leave it on the window so I can see it. What have I got?

What can I cut it off with? You've got to figure that out. But what can I cut it off with? You've got to figure that out. If you cut off your finger and put it on the window, I'll use my magical demon powers to get you off the chair. That's a fact. Hang on a second. Hang on a second.

Why should I believe that? Who is this? Ha ha ha! I'll never tell. Hello? Hello? Right. Well, before I do anything else, I should put this back up. Hello? Hello? Ruff, ruff. Right. Well, before I do anything else, I should put this back up. Oh, fucking right up there!

Okay, it's right back up there. Ruff, ruff. Good. Now, what was that all about? What should I do? He wanted me to remove my pinky. To avoid the chair. But to who? I don't even know if I can trust this mysterious person. He sounded familiar. Perhaps when I was doing a load of cocaine in the music business or something like that.

Just rack your brains, Brandoff. God. Well, maybe I just... I'm desperate to not die and all that, so maybe I should just get my finger off. Rough, rough. What have I got to cut it me finger off. Um, Ruff Ruff, what have I got to cut it with? Nothing. I just have to bite it.

I can do this. I can bite through the pain. And Ruff Ruff... Oh, God, Ruff. Put it up on the window. He said... Bleeding. Roth, bleeding so much. Take some... Oh, it's the screw again. Jenkins, what is it?

Hello, Randolph. Hello, Jenkins, yes. Now, I don't know what sakes look down upon your feeble, disgusting body. What? But I've got some very good news for you. You don't mean to say? Yeah, it was a very strange turn of events. I get this phone call and this voice sounds very strange and nasal

and he says he's from the government and you've managed to dodge the chair dodge the chair i've managed to roughly dodge the dofferty rufferty chair yeah it's very fucking weird so i checked with my superiors i checked with the courts yeah you've been uh you've dodged the chair you lucky fucking bastard brand off back in the seat again so yeah, yeah. Driving seat. So, tomorrow, five o'clock, instead of you getting the chair, guess who it is? I don't really care, but you can tell me. It's your old cellmate, Dr. Fockels. Yes, Dr. Fockels. He was an evil man.

He told me about his crimes. He does deserve the chair. Yes, so he's getting the chair tomorrow at five. So, Merry Christmas, you fucking bastard. Thank you, Jenkins. That'll be all. Yuck, fucking god, Lee. Broth.

Broth. Oh, what time is it? Oh, it's 5 to 5pm. I slept past my first few alarms, Ruff Ruff. Oh, what a beautiful morning. Ruffity, ruffity day. Yes, back in the driving seat. Oh, that old bastard Dr. Fockels is going to get fried instead of me. Ruffity, ruff.

Oh, that Dr. Fockels getting the chair today. I wonder if they're going to have the open auditorium. Oh, that Dr. Fockel's getting the chair today. I wonder if they're going to have the open auditorium. I might be able to hand Jenkins a few shekels. He can shuffle me in. I'll be able to watch it, Ruff Ruff. Watch Dr. Fockel's get the chair. He is a very bad man, though.

Oh, I forgot about that was in there. Oh, I'll have to get it out again. Hello, Ruff Rob Rob, yes? Oh, regard the clock, Mr. Brando. Oh, it's a couple of minutes to five. That's correct, yes. I just have a few more things to add to our arrangement. Listen, you got your finger. You got the finger. What else do you need?

Let me just say these two things to you. All right. What's the first thing? You've made a pact with someone from beyond the grave, Randolph. Are there any ramifications? All right, so just tell me. Come on, I haven't got all day, honestly. One.

Well, I do. If you want to avoid the chair, all you've got to do is give me your limb or two. Yeah, we've already done that bit, haven't we? So you can dodge the chair for as long as you've got limbs, Mr Brando. Good, yes. That's what I... Well, it counts for all of them, doesn't it? It counts for any possible time to go to the chair. Right, so it's a one-time deal.

But there's part two. What's that? Well, for every time you dodge the chair, you won't completely remove yourself from the ramifications of that decision. What's that? Right, er... Hmm? Hmm? Now you wait one second! Now who is this?! No, you... Right, you tell me who this is now! One second. From tooth to toe. Now, who is this? You will know the pain of which they speak.

You tell me who this is now. Regard the clock, Mr. Brandoff. I've got about 30 seconds, but you have to tell me who it is. Oh, you want to know now, do you? For God's sake, tell me. Well, we met a long time ago, and you said goodbye to me on a certain train. Right. I am, I'm making on a certain train. Right. I am...

I'm making this a big thing. I am Adolescent Sasquatch. Ruff! And I am you made a pact with a dead demon from outer space. Outer space? Ruff, ruff! So, sit back, get comfortable. You are about to feel the dirge of your own decisions.

Oh, it's delightful. Fuck you, Brando. Fuck you, fucking hairy. Put that back up for a moment. I wonder what time it is. Five seconds to five. Oh, no. Five, four, three, two, one...

Oh, there's no... Gah! Ha ha ha ha, Mr. Granbo! Ha ha ha ha! And then, every time Brandoff avoided the chair, he felt insurmountable pain. Well, you know what? Actually, that's probably the most of the three objects. That story's probably, I mean, because it smells terrible, doesn't it, Paul?

Yes, it does smell of shit, but to be fair, you could have gotten that from anywhere. And I don't think Brandoff, I don't know, it doesn't sound like a true story to me. Well, come on, at least it's within the realms of possibility. It's the most fathomable. You have to do that. What else have you got? Have you got any good books? You've done it again.

I can't believe it. It's a fucking bookshelf. What else have you got? Have you got any good books? You've done it again. I can't believe it. It's a fucking bookshelf. Yeah, mate, you should really just put bookends on that. You need bookends. You need something to put at the beginning and the end to keep those books on the shelves. Sort of like a framing device, almost. Just to kind of hold all the stories together.

Just to sort of, you know, package the books. What did you say? Bookends. You need bookends, mate. Ah, I've got an idea. Eli, Paul, Books, sort of. What did you say? Bookends. You need bookends, mate. Ah. I've got an idea. Eli. Paul.

Why don't you become my bookends? Fuck off. Fuck off? All I need to do is suck you both off at the same time. Get off, now. Oh, a card. Oh, Mrs. I want and I will be sucking your card. You are becoming bookends.

Oh, I'm going to spooge into the Dracula's mouth. Oh, I'm getting very stiff. I'm getting all sort of rectangular. I'm throwing up. There. Two wonderful, beautiful bookends to put on my collection of stories. Well, I hope you've enjoyed our tales of terror this Christmas time. Sleep well, Merry Christmas, and remember... I want to suck your cock, Mary Cockmas! Ah, ah, ah! Well, that was a charity shop of chills there, presented by Cheap Show Theatre.

Hmm, yes, I didn't really... I don't know what they're doing these days. It all seems to be, you know, going to oral sex. I mean, I don't know. Coming up next in the late night slot, it's a film that I was in, actually. It's about a lot of ice cream sellers in the Isle of Wight. It's called Zoom, Zoom, Flake, Banana Whip. Zoom, Zoom, Flake, Banana Whip. Bye.