CheapShow - Ep 211: Who Gets The Last Word?

Episode Date: December 30, 2020

For best results, please listen to this at 2300 on 31/12 of your chosen year. Ideally 2020. Surprise! It's a podcast. Early. We thought you may want to listen to it at 11pm your time. You know, to count in the New Year? Can't imagine what it would be like to share the last hour of 2020 with Eli and Paul? Well now you can. Kind of. The Cheap Chaps say "F*** Off to 2020" with their final episode of the year. And yes. They may have been drinking. It won't become a thing! Promise. Happy New Year from CheapShow x Merry Christmas and a Happy New Scare!! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-211-who-gets-the-final-word If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Also, you can NOW see Eli star in "Ashens & The Polybius Heist", download it from here: https://www.watchpolybiusheist.com MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Paul is writing a book! Want to help make it happen? https://unbound.com/books/ghosts/

I hate you and your fucking noodle posse People love noodles It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're gonna have to learn to fucking accept Cheap Show Off-Ramp-Ramp-Off-Off-R-off, off-brand, brand-off Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap Cheap Show It's the price of shite

Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheap Show And I go and I nuzzle Hello, welcome to Cheap Show's end of year pop-up party If you're listening to this at 11pm, then when you start the episode It goes right through to midnight and we'll count down together excited. It's not going to work.

It is going to work. Hello, I'm Paul Gannon, host of Cheap Show and my guest as ever. I'm not your guest. On the podcast. I am not your guest. I refuse to even play this game with you. You're my guest and I love you, Mr. Silverman. Oh, show us your willy.

Come on, it's Christmas, is it? I have nothing, man. I have nothing. I, man I have nothing I I who have nothing Yeah, you Eli, come on Tell us one of your jokes

From your stand-up set Oh, fuck you So we're just going to Have a laugh for an hour I'm not having a laugh Could I just make that clear? Why aren't you having a laugh? We've got some drinks

We've been drinky-pooing That's nice, isn't it? I just feel weary The whole year has made me weary My good, keep the energy up We're meant to be partying No You've plied me with You've plied me with

drinks. Drinks, have I? You've plied me with drinks and now I'm very flat. Flaccid. Are you creatively flaccid? Yes. Cheers. Well, cheers. Hello everyone.

It's Eli Silverman. It's too late now. It's not too late now. Is it real time then? Yes, it's Eli Silverman. It's too late now. It's not too late now. The party's just getting started. Is it real time then? Yes, it's real time. I could accuse you of something in real time. Please don't. Because then I'd have to put a sound effect over it.

What do you mean, the whole thing? Yeah, if you said something... The whole of the accusation? Yeah, I would have to at least... What about the incident? I can't... Last few weeks ago's incident. How about you save me the effort of having to edit this week's episode?

Is that alright? Yeah, but I could just... I would like that. I could put stuff in, couldn't I? What about you? You want to talk about that? Is that what you were getting at? The incident!

The incident. No, let's not talk about that. Alright, good. Even though me saying... Oh, look, he's Mr. Mephistiles. Mr. Mestifiles now. What does that mean? Explain to me.

The lord of all darkness. What does that mean in the context of this episode? You're trying to manipulate me you manipulate my soul like one of many souls worm-like on the floor of hell at the floor of hell paul worm-like right that's what i've got magma flow magma flow magma flow welcome to the ongoing search for a sentence from Eli's diseased, stupid, stupid... Fat-handed cunt. Are we allowed to say cunt?

Is that what this has come to? Is that what this podcast has come to? I'm not allowed to say cunt. Is that what you're saying? You could say cunt. Oh, okay. There are no boundaries to the language we use. Could I say spruft?

You could say... Oh, here we go. Here we go. Is spru spurfed? You can say... Oh, here we go. Here we go. Is spurfed okay? I mean, no. Fundamentally, in terms of my taste, no. What do you mean your taste? You don't have a taste in words.

You either use a word, or you don't have any use for it, or you don't understand it. I have no use for spurfed, and nor do I want to understand it. That's your problem, isn't it? Use it in a sentence. Right, we're in a conversation. All right, mate, how are you doing? How are you doing? Oh.

Oh. Look, we're in a conversation. All right, mate, how are you doing? How are you doing? Oh. Oh. Look, all right, we're at the pub. All right. Oh, Eli, mate, what do you fancy? Do you fancy a drink? I'm just getting one. Yes, please. I'll have a double whiskey soda and a pint of that, whatever that expensive one is.

All right. The IPA, please. All right, the IPA, please. And yeah, okay, you heard it. Cheers. All right, so how have you been, mate? Terrible spurfed. What does that mean?

Well, you know, I've had them in back doors and... What? Someone's been in your back door and they spurfed? Yes. Right. It's another word for ejaculating. Is it? Yes.

Aren't all your words words for ejaculating? No, but that's a good one for it. Spurfed? Yes. Because it's onomatopoeic. Oh, right. So here we go. We're in the pub.

Here's your drink, mate. Here you are. Oh, last night I had a bird round. Oh, yes. Spurfed. We got busy. Spurfed, question mark. Spurfed.

Spurfed. We had a nice chat. We had some cheese and crackers. We had some wine. Oh, yeah. We watched a nice romantic movie. Lovely. And I spurfed on her face.

Yes. Is that all right? Is that how I'd use it? I would have maybe... Is it a word you use in situ? Like when you're gripping the bed sheets... I've never used it. ...towards the end of an orgasm.

And just as you're about to enter it, you go, I spurfed! No, because you're pronouncing it too much. It is. Spurfed. As long-time listeners to the show will remember, Paul,

it is actually the word that some weird trampy bloke said to me in the train as he got off. Spurft. He looked at me very pointedly. Spurft. Spurft. And said it very clearly, but quietly, muttered. It's a muttered nonsense word. It's a muttered nonsense word.

Well, how many minutes is left? I'm fucking lost then. Oh, good. well how many minutes have we fucking lost then oh good it's good innit how how are you alright it's the end of the year it's been a very tough year

it's been a very tough year for a lot of people let's just say it's been a very tough year to everyone who has supported a very tough year to everyone who has supported this podcast

over the past year and in fact the past five years, we do deep down, graciously, without any form of irony or silliness, thank you very much. Just the way you say it like that makes me cringe. Why? It's because it's honesty. You can't be honest on this podcast. I can. Go on, be honest. What do you want me to be honest about?

Tell us about your arse. The incident is out of bounds, right? I'm drawing a line. Right. By the radiator where my pissy trousers were drying. That led to the incident. Let people piece it together themselves if they so wish, Paul. Yeah. Okay.

What should we call it? The incident. It deserves that, doesn't it? The incident. Because it was. Not the Sofa pillow Washing incident Come on

Come on now Come on now Paul Listen My private life Yeah That you keep bringing up It was a bit of an intersection Between my personal

Health life And The pod But We're through that now Paul You and me And the listeners

We're all through that now Yeah And we're here We're happy We're trying to celebrate Celebrating me and the listeners. We're all through that now. Yeah. Yeah. And we're here. We're happy. We're trying to celebrate. Celebrating a very difficult year, but we all got through it. And if we can get through this. How close to midnight are we in this?

Oh, we're about 53 minutes to go. All right. Still in the first 10 minutes. Yeah. Bloody hell. But don't worry. We're going to have some games and some fun, are we, tonight? Better pick up something.

I've got something to drink in here. It's a little bit warm, but this house is freezing. It takes ages for it to warm up. So it's been on for an hour. But you're one of those, you like it comfy heat, don't you? I like cosy. And I find that suffocating.

Really? Yeah. Why? Always just have found... But your room's got its own kind of... I don't know. Your room's like walking into Kew Gardens. Oh, fuck your mum.

Not your mum. I don't want you to fuck your mum. Fuck something that chops your dick off. Fuck a machine. What about this? Fuck an engine. Fuck a chopping machine. Chopping machine.

What, like a slap chop? Fuck an axe. Like fuck a slap chop. You'd all have Q Boyd Nob end after that, wouldn't you? Come on, everybody, and fuck the slap chop. Oh, fuck the slap chop. Oh, fuck the slap job. Fuck the slap job. I was going down the street one day. Fuck the slap

job. Fuck the slap job. And I saw a man and he said, hey, hey. Fuck the slap job. Fuck the slap job. He said, what's your dick saying, little boy? I said, my dick's all cuboid. Cuboid! Fuck the slap job. Fuck the slap job. That's right, eh? Fuck. Cuboid! Fuck the slap job.

Fuck the slap job. That's right, eh? Fuck the slap job. Fuck the slap job. I'm gonna. Fuck the slap job. Fuck the slap job. And chuck my dick right off.

That is one of our best. That was two minutes, wasn't it? It was. It was about a minute. It was only about a minute. Oh, fuck. Repeat the chorus. Fuck the slap job.

Yeah, so. What have we got Coming out of the show I've got two games Two minigun and golds games A kiddo game That we can play You can't do that That just ruins the whole dynamic

Of what You saying it Yes A kiddo game You say it I like it when you say it A kiddo game But then you have

A kiddo game A kiddo game Mate that's how you do it How I do I was grown. But then you have yeah, you go like that. Yeah. Mate, that's how you do it. How I do it, it's slightly more pronounced. It's a little bit more a game of golden games.

Isn't it? Listen, would you like to play a game of golden games? Now, this is sort of like our people are perhaps

at this present time because it's New Year's Eve. Yeah. I hope they're all jolly. What's his name out of Squeezie's? Who's he called? Juicy Nana's. Juicy Nana?

Juicy Nana. That's excellent. I want to be in a punk funk band called Juicy Nana. Juicy Nana's punk punani. Mate, synth punk funk. I am robot. I am juicy nana. Slap chop up my dick hole.

I am juicy nana. I juice on the nana hole. That'll do. Have you got that, Larry? That's a take. Now you've got to do the B-side, though. The Bump. Bump. That'll do. Have you got that, Larry? That's a take. Now you've got to do the B-side, though. The B-side?

Yeah. What is the fucking B? What do you mean you've got to do the B-side? Well, you know, the record comes with two sides. I've done me bigot now. Bum, bow, bum, bow. I did that one. I know, Juicy Nana's very good. I like it.

Very good track, Juicy Nana. Job done. I'm out. I'm off home now. No, but you need to do the B-side. What do you mean the B-side? Well, like I was trying to home now. No, but you need to do the B-side. What do you mean the B-side? Well, like I was trying to explain to you before. I got to do the B-side of what?

There's two sides to every fucking record, right? But it's fucking 2020. Will you listen to me? No one does B-sides. Do another track then. They dub, do. They do dub mixes. Well, do a dub mix then.

Bow, bow. Woof, woof, woof. Do, dow. Woof, woof, woof. Do, dow. Woof, woof, woof. Do, dow. We are JuNH.

Okay, good. Yeah, don't. Mouth noise. Mouth. We should drink every time you do the mouth noise. Right on time. As a drinking game. And they can all play along at home.

Yeah, every time. Drink every time Paul does it. And what's the mouth noise? Just as a first one, Paul. Yeah. So we know what to expect and when to drink. Could you do your famous mouth noise now, please?

Here we go. Oh, yeah. The phones came off. Fucking hell. He did a hard one. You'll be dead in 15 minutes. You are going to resort and what does he do, everybody?

How does Paul utilise the mouth noise when he needs to resort to something that is simply a noise because he's run out of words to say? This is good, coming from a man who just goes Sproft, Sprift. Sproft is a word!

It's not. Sproft is a word. Sproft is the word, it's the word, it's the word that you groove on and do that. Oh, he's coughing. Don't. Aren't you going to edit out the coughs? No, I can't edit this. This is real time. Got to keep it in. Got to keep talking.

Keep in the nasty mouth noises when you sort of when you phlegm a bit in your mouth and then have to swallow it or something. We're going to play a game. You know, there's a TV show on BBC called Who Dares Wins? Sounds pretty sort of... It's that guy. Who's that man

who used to do DIY SOS? He's like a proper fucking second-rate Jeremy Kyle sort of guy, isn't he? No, he's not. He used to do a show, didn't he,

called DIY... Fuck off. He looks like a cunt off there. No, he doesn't. He looks like his fucking stupid cunt face on there.

He doesn't look like a cunt. No, I'm sorry. I'm not going to put up with this. Why do you like him so much? Did you meet him? I don't... Did you meet him? I don't... Did you meet him in a showbiz party when he used to work in the psychic community?

No, he's just a guy who... Is he a psychic, is he? No. He looks like a cunt. Wow. He looks like a shit eater. What does that mean? Like, he gets up in the morning and goes...

Well, look, anyway, he does... What's he called? What? Who? That guy. I can't remember his name We need to know these things I'm going to look it up now Okay

Who hosts Who Dares Wins BBC quiz show? Right, good We'll get it going Do you know the movie Who Dares Wins? Yes, it's not related to that Nick Knowles Nick Knowles, who hosts Who Dares Wins The Quims

Quims show The Quims Oh, we have vandally. Two teams of strangers play against each other to complete a series of lists and play for prizes of £50,000.

Oh, right. It's exciting. So Nick Knowles, he used to do DIY SOS where someone went, my house is shit. We'll fix it in an hour. And they go in

and they do a slappy job for an hour. Oh, I'm crying. Yeah, it's like, oh, my bedroom was once ugly. Oh, I'm crying. And now it looks like, oh, my bedroom was once ugly. Oh, I'm crying. And now it looks like the set of The Big

Breakfast. Thank you. I've got a rat scurrying around me skirt. You've got a rat scurrying around me skirts?

What the fuck? My skirting boards. You didn't say skirting boards, though, did you? Well, they're going around me skirts as well. So anyway,

Who Dares Wins is a quiz show where basically it's like list ten things. I've lost control of this, haven't I? List ten things. It's that simple. I can list ten things now.

A car. A leaf. No specific thing. A paintbrush. Like for instance. A can of beer. That is, you are. An elephant's tusk.

Oh, that's a bit weird. A bicycle. I've only done six. Shit. Table. Yeah. Cloud. Yeah. L only done six. Shit. Uh, table. Yeah. Cloud. Yeah.

Lollipop. Right. Blade of grass. No, I've done it. Right, good. You just named ten things. Well done. Yeah, is that it?

Do I win? No. You never win. Let me just say that. You never win. I will do ten things. I've got my phone over here, and I shouldn't, because that's got the all-important time. Oh, that's a terrible ten things.

It was the most unimaginative 10 things you could have come up with. But anyway. Oh, yeah. All right, all right. We'll see you can fucking do this.

We'll see. Shut up. The quiz show is basically two teams to win and they go, here's a topic. Can you name 10 things? And then you go,

I can name seven. And then someone goes, I can name eight. And I can name nine. All right, go for nine. And if they get all nine, they win. If they don't, the other team can... It's like Family Fortunes, actually, when you think about it.

Oh, it's exactly like that. But with ten lists. A list of ten things. But it's an arbitrary what is at the top of the list. Well, this one's like, ten most expensive artists in the world. I say it's not arbitrary. No. So do you have any of those?

Instead of people get asked, and what was the top answer, it's just like... Just name 10 of these. It's just a ranking of some thing that's real. Facts. Yeah. So in this case,

as a test, most expensive artists in the world, how many out of 10 do you think you could answer? Ah. How many on the 10 do you think you can answer? Yeah, it's tough, isn't it?

You don't know nothing. Six, five, six. Five. let's say five give me five and i'll tell you off on this list of the most and what any most expensive artists in the world based on highest price paid for a picture by each artist up to december 2015 they're your parameters so go on name me five artists who are the most expensive artists in the world. Picasso. Hang on. Let's have a look. Yeah, Picasso's on there.

Monet. No, Monet is not on there. Money, money, money, money. Fuck. Money. Am I lost now? No. I need to get another four.

I think you get like 10 seconds or 20 seconds to guess. Well, how are we going to? Is this just a test? All right, this is a test. You could have said Rembrandt, Pollock... I know! Clint, Goff, Mogadishu... No, that's not Mogadishu.

Mowgli, Bogli... Mod... Mod... Mod... Mogliani. Mogliani. Which isn't a real name. Yes, it is.

He did those... Wicked. He's an Italian futurist. Paul Gorgwin and William... Gorgan. And William... Oh, come on. I can't take this anymore. You're mangling that. Do you want to go for real, then? Italian futurist. Paul Gorguin and William Gorgan and William Oh come on I can't take this anymore

you're mangling that. Do you want to go for real then? I'll fucking take you down for real. Do you want to go for real? Yeah but who do you think will win? You.

Yes. Because you have God on your side. I have got knowledge. Right here we go. So I can't steal because I'm looking at the answers

but basically you have 30 seconds to name as many as you think you can name. And what if I get ones that aren't on the list? Doesn't matter. Doesn't count, no.

So, okay. 10 cinema films. Oh, you've got a timer? Yeah, I'll watch the clock on here so I'll just go, we'll do 30 seconds from whenever we say start. Right? 10 cinema films

with the greatest number of ticket sales in the UK in the 20th century based on the survey by the British Film Institute in 2014. I just have to get as many as possible. Yeah, you've got to figure out 10 cinema films with the greatest number of ticket sales in the UK in the 20th century.

You want to do that in 30 seconds, see how many you can get? Yeah. All right, your time then, therefore, starts right now. E.T. Is not on there. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Is not on there. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Is not on there. Gandhi.

Is not on there. Come on. Titanic. Is on there. One. Terminator. Is not on there. Terminator 2.

Is not on there. Fuck. Come on. You're missing out on some bloody obvious ones here. Ghostbusters. No. Four seconds. Shit. Three seconds. Fuck. Come on, you're missing out on some bloody obvious ones here. Ghostbusters. No. Four seconds. Shit.

Three seconds. Fuck this game. One second. Here we go. There you go. You've got two. You could have said, for instance,

Gone With The Wind, Sound Of Music, Snow White, Star Wars, The Best Of Our Years, Jungle Book, Wicked Lady, Seventh Veil.

Oh, fuck that. Ticket sales are not the same as box office gross, is it, Mr. Silverman? Well, I was going for box office gross, weren't I? All right, so you pick one for me out of the list. I'll just hold them down and you pick a card out randomly. Don't try and suggest a card to me.

No, I'm not. I'll be going here. All right, fine. Do that then. No one ever takes those ones, do they? That's the one I saw. And they're not expecting someone to take them, are they? Come on.

You've got two in that round. You can't manipulate me. Two in that round. What are you going to do? Ten largest sports stadiums in the UK. Ah, fuck. Here we go. Right.

Right. I'm going to say three. No, you don't have to say because you didn't. Yes. All right. Then I'll tell you when to start. Okay. Start in five, four, two, go.

Right. Goodison Park. Come on. Reid, I need to know. Old Trafford. Yeah. Anfield. Come on.

Wembley. Yeah. Wembley Stadium. Anfield is there as well. Are these all football or just sports stadiums in general? Sports stadiums. The Olympic Park. The Millennium Globe.

The Biscuit of Delights. What else? Millennium. The Oval. Lords. Oh, I've got two seconds left. You're down. How many did I get?

Four. Four? I did all right on that. What were the other ones? Is it two dot because you asked for the lights to come out? Fuck it, how many did they get? Three. Four? I did all right on that. What were the other ones? There's two... Is it two dot because you asked for the lights to come out? Is there a dimmer? No, there's no dimmer.

It's too fucking bright, man. Well, this is the light we've got to play with. I don't know what you want. All right, turn it on for the game. Just for this game. Fucking hell. Can we just read them out there while I'm getting the light on? Wembley Stadium.

London Twickenham Stadium. Ah! I didn't think of that, did you? Didn't think London Twickenham Stadium Ah I didn't think of that did you? Didn't think of Twickenham Ah London Old Trafford you got didn't you?

Yeah I got that one Oh no Twickenham London Old Trafford Manchester of course Millennium Stadium I gave you Yeah yeah yeah

that's fine I agree with that Cardiff aka Principality Stadium Cardiff Yeah Cardiff Murrayfield Stadium in Edinburgh

Right Emirates Stadium Right Arsenal London Celtic Park AKA Principality Stadium Yeah Cardiff Murrayfield Stadium In Edinburgh Right Emirates Stadium That's Arsenal London Celtic Park Celtic Park sorry Oh yeah Alright

London Stadium Not interested in any more Olympic Stadium Did you say Olympic Stadium? You should have got five Oh here's one for Eli Here's one Here's one that's on brand

For Cheap Show Are you ready for this Mr. Silverman? Pitch is it? Yes I guess Weird it's the first way I pick up the top of the pack It is Here's one. Here's one that's on brand for Cheap Show. Are you ready for this, Mr. Silverman? Crisp, is it? Yes. I guess. Weird. It's the first one I picked off the top of the pack.

It is the 10 most popular flavors of crisps and similar snacks in the UK, asterisks, based on sales figures compiled by market research company IRI in 2015. So we're not looking for brands. So you don't say frazzles, for example. We're looking for flavors. All right? It Frazzles for example we're looking for flavours alright it has to be flavours it has to be flavours

but they said snacks this is like the league yeah it is with snacks and crisps but this is in terms of flavours this proves that our direction

that we took in putting the league snacks yeah yeah yeah first was the right thing to do it was mate ladies and gentlemen Paul has given me

a very sincere look across the microphone. It is the most sincere look I've ever given you on any episode of this podcast. It is, which is why it stood out to me. Let me give it again.

I like it. Yeah, good. All right, so, are you ready? I'll spuff my breath off. Five seconds to give me the 10 most popular flavours. Aren't I bidding?

There's no bidding. Go. Salt and vinegar. Is on the list. Cheese and onion. Is on the list. Ready vinegar. Is on the list. Cheese and onion. Is on the list. Ready salted. Is on the list.

Come on. You've got cheese, salt and vinegar. Chicken. Roast chicken. Is not on the list. Actually, there's salted and lightly salted, so I'm going to give you both of those for the salted, because you said ready salted. Okay. Prawn cocktail.

Is on the list. That's five. Come on. You've got two more seconds. One more. That's it. Okay. So, you didn't say cheese.

Cheese in general was there. This is... What? Salted and lightly salted, which is why I give you both for that. Lightly salted and... I know. What the fuck? That's bullshit.

That's bullshit. That is bullshit. I get two points for that. I've already given you Two points for that Alright well Cheese and onion you said Cheese flavoured crisps

Yeah No they're not Well they are Like Watsits Oh you fuck you Quavers You should say Watsits It's a total thing

No because the point is It's not brands It's flavours I don't care It was stated I don't fucking care You stupid hobbity twat Hobbity twat

What do you want That'd be a good beer You got a can of that Oh I tell you what I'll have a lovely pint Of hobbity twat Oh it's twat that'd be a good beer you've got a can of that oh I tell you what I'll have a lovely pint of hobbity twat oh it's very nutty on the finish

very nutty and I'll have a Gandalf's Minge for a follow up I'll have a Grumbly's Pisswater please oh Grumbly's

old piss water and a 13 yeti's doing one wag nut bites wag a nut steepage right so what else was on there so you said salt and vinegar

yep hot pepper chilli was a flavour, apparently. Barbecue. That's the one I should have got, really. Beef. And beef. Beef, no chicken.

No. That is bullshit, and we all know that to be bullshit. I know, I agree, but it wasn't the top most popular. Everyone listening now knows this to be a falsehood. Who made these? It's that kind of fucking cover of this, isn't it? It's the IRIRI a market research company alright so they're now

good I used to work for them did you they're shit yeah I used to make them up make up the

surveys especially the crisp ones you can't how many did I get anyway five

five and then there was prawn cocktail stroke seafood stroke seafood I liked it every Saturday are there any

seafood flavoured crisps outside of stroke seafood yes not very good Eli and you're laughing Saturday? Are there any seafood-flavoured crisps outside of... I like to stroke seafood. Yes. Not very good, Eli. And you're laughing. And you're enjoying yourself.

I'm enjoying that. Stroke seafood. Anyway, hello. Right, good. Sour cream and onion. Oh, yeah. And then there we go. That's what you get after you stroke seafood. Right, okay.

Have another card for me. Did you write down my score? Yeah. You, okay. Have another card for me. Did you write down my score? Yeah, you got five. Plus the two from the first one. You got seven. You're not writing it down. Have you written mine down? You got four. Well, there we go. I'm getting a pen. I refuse

to keep playing this, Paul. There's a pencil on the wall there. It is 36 minutes away. Oh, Jules Nazi's heart and tar. Jules Nazi's heart and tar. That wouldn't get... There's a pencil just on the top there. Right there.

You need to find paper, don't you? Do you have anything to write on? No? You useless wank. Well, I wasn't... I didn't know. Write on the corner of that paper. Just make it neat. So I'm on, I'm on seven

and you're on, no, you're on seven and I'm on four at the moment and it's my second round. All right? Here we go. Why am I, oh,

just pick any one of these up for me. Right. What is the topic? Oh no, what is it? It's going to be chess moves or something. Ten managers of the England football team immediately proceed. I'm going to get a football one, aren't I?

But I shouldn't have. Mate, can I do a pass? No. You can get a pass on the third round if you let me pass on this. If you don't like the card that's pulled out next. All right, fair enough. All right?

That's my one and only pass. Yeah, you get a pass if you don't like the next one. I can't do football fucking stuff, mate. Please. Come on. All right, you can do this. All right, go on. Ten largest public sector employers in the UK.

Right. Asterix. Yeah. Figures from the Office for National Statistics. That's very official. ONS. Official Statistics. Right. So I've got to name the biggest employees in the UK.

Public sector. Public sector. What does that mean? Like post office. They work for the... It's the public. What they used to be, you know. The stuff that the state used to own. Let's give it a the public what they used to be you know yeah the stuff that the

state used to own right okay let's give it a go I'm going to start in 3 2 1 state owned right okay state owned

job centre dole office department of working pensions have you started yes no that's not one of the biggest public centres

post office post the NHS give me points what am I getting a point for NHS The biggest... Post office. Post. The NHS. Give me points. What am I getting a point for? NHS. NHS. No, but you have to say...

Civil service. No, be more specific. Doctors. Doctor man. No, but the actual organisation is the NHS what? Trust. No. Oh, fuck off.

Right. NHS. I'm giving you one point for that. I'm gone. Ten seconds. Post office? There's no rail? Trains?

Keep saying post office. No, that was denashed. That was privatised, wasn't it? What was fucking left? You're done, aren't you? I'm done. Fuck me. I'm giving you one point.

You really fucked that up. What were the answers? NHS England. Right. Which I'm giving you the point for because fucked that up What were the answers? NHS England Right Which I'm giving you the point for Because it's brackets England Right Okay

Then you've got NHS Scotland Oh fuck off British Army Department of Work and Pensions I said that You said Job Centre I also said Department of Work and Pensions So give me two

Right Thank you I said that Alright Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs. No, I didn't say that. NHS Wales. Completely separate.

You should have given me three. No, because you didn't. No, you only said NHS. They're separate NHS employers, obviously, according to ONS. I don't fucking agree. Ministry of Justice,

Ministry of Defence, Metropolitan Police Service, and the Royal Air Force. You said Army. That's not the same as the Royal Air Force. So I've got, what, six now and you're on seven? Yes. Right, okay. I'll get a pass, remember.

Right. Sorry. Sorry to slam you. Right, here we go. I'm going to give you one. I'm sorry to slam you. First ten singles released in the UK by the Beatles. First ten? Yeah. Oh, God. First ten singles released in the UK by the Beatles. First 10? Yeah. Oh, God.

First 10 singles released in the UK by the Beatles. Starting now. Go. Love Me Do. Is one. Here we go. Come on. She Loves You.

Is two. Yeah, come on, baby. Hard Day's Night. Is there. Three. Come on. You can do this. Come on.

Think of them all. Here we go You fucking wank You've got 15 seconds left We can work it out No It's going to be a tough one isn't it

10 seconds Come on For all those Beatles songs Come on Anyone Two seconds Twist and shout Is not on there

Yes it is No it's not on there Bong And you're off Here's the list Love Me Do Please Please Me Please Please Me From Me To You Yes, it is. No, it's not on there. Bong. And you're off. Here's the list. Love Me Do. Please, Please Me.

Please, Please Me. From Me To You. From Me To You. She loves you. She loves you. I got that. I Want To Hold Your Hand. That was the first Beatles song I was ever aware of, Paul.

What was the first Beatles song you were ever aware of? I think even Mielus Marine might have been the first one I was exposed to. Yeah, might be. I was a wank kid. I was down with it. You were a wanky little boy kid, and no one loves you. A wanky little boy kid. I don't know what that means, but you are a wanky little boy kid. And climbing above Na Na Juice in the charts, wanky little boy kid.

And here's their lead singer, Billy Boy Donut, as a young man, Paul. Bill Donut as a young man. I don't have much to give you. But my winky woo. Right, your winky woo. Mother want my winky woo. Good. Mother want my winky woo.

Ooh. Winky woo. Mother want your woo. Mother want your daddy want to watch it too. Something like that. Right. Anyway, Can't Buy Me Love. Can't buy me love.

A hard day's night. And I feel fine. Ticket to ride, help. Yeah, good't Buy Me Love. Can't buy me love. A hard day's night. And I feel fine. Ticket to ride, help. Yeah, good. There you go. So how many is that now? You got ten. I'm on ten, you on six.

Right, so I've got one last. And I've still got the pass. Yeah. So hang on, it's my last round then. You got no pass. No. This is football based. I have to take this.

Better not be football based. Oh no. Oh, what is it? Poor old Paul. He always loses. Ten most frequently performed opera composers. Right. And do you want to see the asterisks on this one?

Yeah, go for it. Can't wait for this. Paul, because this will really, you know, help you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not going to win this round. Based on figures, Paul, from operabass.com, for performances around the world 2011 to 2016. Right, okay, good.

Just bear that in mind. I'll try and bear that in mind. It's only those that have been on operabass.com. Yes. Are you going to start? Hang on. Ready? Three, two, one, go.

Bizet is one. Sullivan. Gilbert and Sullivan. I'm the very model of a multi-wiggy monkey. No, it's not there. You're wasting your time now. Tchaikovsky, two. We have...

Who did Dave Flay-de-Mouse... Who did... Who did Cozy Fancy Tootie? Cozy Fanny Tootie. Yeah, that's the one. Stroke the Seafood. Puccini. Yeah. You're done now.

How long have you... Actually... No, I'm done now. Yeah, done now. Three you got. Are you surprised I got three? Can I just say that? Three seems to be our average, even with the Beatles, which I intimately know about.

It's just because you were pressuring me. Here's your random card. I've got a pass. Yeah, I've got a pass. It is 10 most popular names for cats in the UK, based on survey conducted by John Lewis Pet Insurance. Is Mr. Meow's on Pet Insurance. Is Mr. Meow on there? No, Mr. Meow is not on there. Is Sergeant

Meowsington? No. So here's the next one. Picked it random. Ten countries with the largest Muslim population. Alright, I'll give this a go. I'll give it a go. Here we go.

Right. Three, two, one. I'll give this a go. Yeah. I'll give it a go. Hang on. Here we go. Hang on. I've just got to get the card up. Pick it up. Right. Three, two, one, go. Philippines. Is not on there. India. Is on there. One.

United Arab Emirates. Is not on there. Doha. Is not on there. Egypt. Is on there. Algeria. Is on there. Doha is not on there. Egypt is on there. Algeria is on there.

Morocco is not on there. Five seconds. Come on. Iran is on there. Four. Well played, Mr. Silverman.

The other ones were Indonesia, Pakistan, India, Bangladesh, Nigeria, Iran, Turkey, Pakistan, India Bangladesh, Nigeria Iran, Turkey Egypt, Algeria Sudan we didn't start the fire the really obvious ones

weren't springing to my mind and I'm sure the Philippines had a very large well as I say only based on a am I thinking of one or the other Indonesia

maybe I'm thinking of what was the other poppers you didn't read them out to me. Poppers. It's like Bizet. Oh, you've lost the card now. It's like Bizet, you know, Wagner, Johann Strauss, Richard Strauss, and Johann Strauss.

Both the Strausses you got there. Amadeus, Amadeus, Amadeus, Amadeus, Amadeus. Oh, oh, oh, Amadeus. Oh, let me do that bit. Oh, oh, oh, Amadeus. No, you get oh, I'm a deus. Let me do that bit. Oh, oh, oh, I'm a deus. No, you get to do the rap German bit. Go on, do that bit. Oh, I'm fucker here, and I'm walking around,

and my hand is for crazy, and I'm singing a song. No, no, no, you're doing it wrong. For instance, you've just got to make up German. Oh, for instance, you've just got to make up German. Oh, for instance, you've just got to make up German. Yeah, that's it. Constant Vater. That's all our German listeners upset now for us.

Constant faster. Kissy, kissy, constant faster. Come on. You've got to admit, it's got a bit of a ring to it. It has got a bit of a ring to it. Right, is that the end? Yeah, you win. 14-9.

14-9 was it? Yeah. All right. You got unlucky there with the cards, though, Paul. Yeah, but I. 14-9. 14-9 was it? Yeah. All right. You got unlucky there with the cards, though, Paul. Yeah, but I did all right. I did all right, considering I reckon you think I was going to get no opera composers. Yeah, no, that was good. I actually quite like opera.

I went through a period in the early noughties where I saw it quite a lot. You went to see the opera? Yeah. You're very privileged. Can we turn the light off now? Yeah, it's one of those ones over there. You go for a fucking change and I'll tell them

all about me opera I went to see Die Fledermaus which is basically an episode basically an episode of Beatles About with opera music on it

it's Beatles About literally the plot is it's Beatles About the plot is it's Beatles About and it goes he's coming round here and he's walking around he's come coming round here. He's Beatles about. The plot is. He's Beatles about. And he goes, he's coming round here.

And he's walking around. He's come up round here. That is not how the theme changes. How much longer have we got on this? It goes, watch out. Beatles about. Watch out. Beatles about.

Come round here. You better watch out. Because Beatles about. Come round here. Come round here. The thingi. Come round here. Oi, oi. Come round here. Oi, oi, oi. The thing is.

Come round here. Oi, oi, oi. Come round here. Do me a favour and go to the fridge and get me a drink. Do some ice, darling. Yes, and get me some more booze and some beer out the fridge. Because we're going to play another game now. Yeah, I don't mind.

Get me a tin out the fridge as well. It's our party. It's our party. You're joining us with us today and our party party. And we're going to play another game now. It's called the news game. What about these?

Mojito. Just get me all Mojito. Mojito. Mojito. Come on. Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick. We've got 25 minutes left till midnight. That's Mojito.

Yeah. It's nice. Here we go. So we're going to play the news game, Eli. It's 100 outrageous real and fake stories. I'm going to read you a story out. You're going to read some to me. And after hearing the story, you've got to tell me if it's real or fake.

I don't want a Mahito, actually. No? I'm having one. Watch this. Glug, glug. Quite a few recently, to be honest. I think that's a side effect of 2020. Which, can we just say now, all together,

let's just say, fuck you, 2020. No, I don't like this. I don't actually understand. What? Talk into the mic, because everything else otherwise is pointless. I don't actually understand. You don't, do you? Why the year is personified.

It has been, though. No, but it's the pandemic I don't actually understand. You don't, do you? Why the year is personified. It has been, though. No, but it's the pandemic. That's the thing. Yeah, but that's... That's the thing. It's not the fact that it's this year. It's just the fact that it happened this year. Yeah, but the late year has been tainted.

What if it had happened halfway through last year? Then it wouldn't be like, oh, 2020. Would it? Oh, fuck off, mate. Let's just say fuck off the 2020 and be done with it just the weird neatness

of it just starting early in this year that's why the government orchestrated it to keep us in our homes for a year and

I'm anti-mask oh no drink everybody he's made the noise I'm anti-mask after coming out let's just make that clear to everyone

Paul Gannon has now come out as anti-mask. After coming out as I... Let's just make that clear to everyone. Paul Gannon has now come out as anti-mask. Well, I have. And please... Not some ice there, baby. But what I mean is... Let me ice you. Anti-the film, The Mask, starring Jim Carrey. A lot of people are, aren't they?

I am no longer... No. There is. Is there? Yeah. No. Oh, no. There's a thing where he realises he got off with a man

and then he's sort of like washing himself off. No, that's Ace Ventura or The Crying Game. Yes, Ace Ventura. Ace Ventura. No. I get confused. The Mask's the film where Jim Carrey does Beetlejuice stuff for an hour. That's it.

It's not a good film. No, it's all right, The Mask. I just saw it recently. I was kind of really dating that. The Mask 2 is shit. We don't talk about Mask 2. We don't talk about it. Right. Eli, The Mask. I just saw it recently. I was kind of really dating that. The Mask 2 is shit. We don't talk about Mask 2. We don't talk about it. Right.

Eli, News Game. Oh, why? Because you have to separate facts from fiction. Is it a Gannis Golden Games? Yeah. So I'm going to read a news story out to you. It's like Sharticles. Can I just do a version?

It's like Sharticles. It's like Sharticles. Can I do a little version, though, of the Gannis Golden Games? Yeah, go on. It's Gannis Golden Games. It's Gannis Golden Games. Here I am, dearie-o the Ganon's Golden Games. Yeah, go on. It's Ganon's Golden Games. It's Ganon's Golden Games. Here I am, dearie-o. Ganon's Golden Games.

It's Ganon's Golden Games. It's Ganon's Golden Games. Come round here, dearie-o. It's Ganon's Golden Games. I fucked your mom. Naughty choir boy. You can go to the corner of your room. He's not here.

And by the way, if any characters... I'm the naughty choir boy. Oh. Oh, hello. It's our new character for 2021. Naughty choir boy. I think, you know,

I'm going to get someone. I've got someone waiting. Yeah. He's going to have to deal with... He deals with all the sort of new characters, like their contracts and everything. Yeah, who is he? Don McNubbin, and here he comes. Oh, right. Ah, of new characters like their contracts and everything. Yeah, who is he? Don McNubbin

and here he comes. Oh, right. Ah, hi. Don McNubbin. Hi. Yeah, yeah. Just like that. Okay, who's this

choir boy? Hi. Hello. I am the naughty choir boy. All right, you shut your face. You learned one thing from me, boy. You shut...

You learned to shut your face. It's Don McNubbin and I'm all about the business. But I've got a career for you. It's such a great career. You're going to be walking in the moonlight. You're going to be smoking in the sunlight. I don't understand.

You're going to be doing all the great things. Mr. Paul, who's this dirty man? I don't know. Don McNubbin. Here's my card. Don McNubbin. He's not my new favorite character. I like you, naughty little choir boy.

I look forward to you. Don't you talk to him. I do the highway round here. Do you want to talk to him? I'll be your lawyer. I'm a good lawyer as well. I'm Don McDonovan. We've already got a lawyer.

We've got Brandoff covering us, so we're right. I haven't heard of that guy. Eli, we don't need you. I'm Don McDonovan. We don't need Don McDonovan. No one needs Don McDonovan. Thanks, Don. It's my pleasure. I'll go now. Goodbye, Don you I'm Don McDonovan we don't need Don McDonovan no I'll be Don McDonovan it's my pleasure

I'll go now goodbye Don I'm going bye Don McDonovan oh anyway I'm looking forward to being a new

character on the show in 2021 with my innocent songs that go dirty at the end which I'm reflecting is a bit similar

to fucking Bill Donut actually take the choir boy out and let Inchman deal with him? Oh, am I going to see the Inchman? Yes, he'll make you a cafeteria or whatever. Oh, okay, I'm going to go now. Oh, Mr. Inchman, you're so nice.

You are under contract from Don McNubbin, just so you know. No, he's not. Because Don McNubbin has no legal say. Right, so here we go. Are we actually having a fight about McNubbin now? Yeah. I know McNubbin's going to have his dirty little grubby fingers in every character's hole. Right.

Okay. Here is your first news story, Eli. Here we go. I don't want to talk about this. Chihuahua deported to Mexico despite being- What do I have to say? If it's a fake story or not. He probably shat in the kennel.

Do you want to hear the story before you just start going off on a mad rant about chihuahuas and shitting somewhere? That's what I'm thinking. Right. Okay. Here's the new story. Chihuahua deported to Mexico despite insisting on being born in California. So a chihuahua liking a chihuahua liking in

a chihuahua liking in West Cov... Living! It says liking here. Oh, come on. Did I write this? You mean to fucking just see the typo coming up and then do the brain work? No, but I didn't see it coming up

because I thought it was... Subjective. It was like a chihuahua-liking homeowner in South California. A China-liking? No, a chihuahua-liking. Oh, likey-liking. Yeah, like...

You'd see me loving. They wouldn't use liking. That's fake, that story. Right, Chihuahua-liking. Oh, likey-liking. Yeah, like... You'd see me loving. They wouldn't use liking. That's fake, that story. Right, I'm going to pick another one. So I have to guess it's simply true or false, that's all? Yeah. Right, here's the story. Is this real or fake, Mr. Silverman?

Line saved from hot car kills rescuers. A circus line owned by a ringmaster named Slippery Pete was left in a hot car on Thursday afternoon during a quick stop to use its facilities at the... What publication was this from? It doesn't say. It just says August 28th, 2015. Well, what is that? Can I get an explanation

of the rules before I jump in? I'm going to read a story and at the end you say that's real or fake. It's that simple. Fuck me. And what is so hard about that? I don't like it. That's what's hard about it. Members of the local animal rights group Respect Towards Animal Rights and Dignity

commonly known as... That's made up as well. Called what? Ribda? No. What are they called? Rigga? You know what?

This one's shit because it gives it away. It says known as R-Tard. Fucking hell. That's what I mean. This is a shit game is what I'm trying to say. It's easy to guess a fake Alright watch this one then That was fake

That was pretty fucking shit That's the levels That they were going to be at And it's like Fake man From fakedy fake This one's a fake I can see the colour

From here now Right here we go Don't show me the colour Because blue is true It's not It's not because they're all red Right Man fights off shark Then then goes to the pub.

January 24th, 2014. And junior doctor. Bring it out to me. A junior doctor was spearfishing near Colac Bay, New Zealand, with friends, when he was attacked by a shark. He has recounted how he fended off a shark attack by stabbing it with a knife he already had in his hand, adding, he felt no fear.

I thought, bugger. Now I have to try and get this thing off my leg. Upon getting back to shore, he stitched up his own wound on the beach before going to the local pub for a pint. True. Is correct. This is the worst game of all time. Shut up.

I'll find you a good one. I know. Small man has tiny dick DJ. Oh, really? Yeah. Give me the card. Eli Silverman is a DJ and he doesn't have a big dick, in fact. Give me the fucking card.

All right. Mentally unwell psycho in prisons. Man in podcast trauma. True. Four years. It's a true story. Terrible taste in music trauma. True. Four years. It's a true story. Terrible taste in music. Fuck off.

DNA test proof. What else you got for us? Retired postman has 1,000. This isn't going to carry us through. I've just decided, Paul. It's not, has it? It's not going to carry us through to the end. We're going to, we're meant to be building this up.

It's New Year's Eve for people. Man dies. Very terrible. Man dies what? Shitting himself. No. Well, I don't want to hear about it then. Tinder for cows. In the mood for love. Do you want to terrible. Man dies what? Shitting himself? No. Well, I don't want to hear about it then.

Tinder for cows in the mood for love. Do you want to hear about Tinder for cows? That's true. It is actually. Yeah. See, just give me the

headline. I'll tell you what it's true or false. Bears in Russian zoo predict Ukrainian election. True. Is correct.

Midget locked in Walmart overnight after getting stuck in toilet. False. It's true. You're right. It's false.

China performs cavity search on 10,000 pigeons. They go right up there. I like this. No means no. I've got the job of inspecting these chickens. I've got this paperwork. It's pigeons. I said pigeons.

Didn't you say chickens? I didn't say chickens. You said chickens when you came in. What did I say? You smell pissed. Smell me your breath. I smell pissed. I smell pissed.

You smell pissed. You should be standing so close to me. You smell pissed, mate. You can't come in here and touch our chickens. No, no, no, no, no. I've got my paperwork right here, mate. What paperwork? Show me your paperwork.

Fucking pigeon internal examination. No, you did that on Microsoft Word. That's not a real document. It's all on Microsoft Word now. Mate, be honest. Mate, be honest. You want to touch my pigeons, don't you? I want to fuck a pigeon with my fingers.

That's all you need to say. Go on in. Come on, boys. Thanks, mate. That's all you need to say. Go on in. Come on, boys. Thanks, mate. It's pigeon time. You're good at that. That's not the noise they make when they're

getting fucked, mate. It is. No, it's not. They live above my head. Right. Did you know that, Paul? What? Here's a little peel back

of the foreskin. Yeah. The slimy foreskin. The slimy foreskin is horrible. Horrible. It's like Paul's back of the foreskin. Yeah. The slimy foreskin. The slimy foreskin is horrible. Horrible. It pulls back like that alien laying an egg. I've got pigeons on my roof. They do.

They make that noise all hours of the day. It literally sounds like they're in the walls. It's like, because it's just above my head. Are you sure it's not just... Also, my room is shaped like a pentagram. It's not. It's like a wedge. It's more like a wedge. It you sure it's not just above my head? Also, my room is shaped like a pentagram. It's not. It's shaped like a wedge. It's more like a wedge.

It's five-sided. Is it? One, two, three. The House of Pickles is five-sided and I've got Keith in it so there's a vortex of psyche. And you've got Mount Grotpants which is on a ley line.

But it's not a massive ley line. It's more like a... It's on an underground river. Snail trail more like. It's an underground river. It's more like a snail trail of your splashed jism across the grotty floorboards of your filth-laden flat. I've changed my ways.

You haven't. Have you ever sprayed on the floor, just not give it a fuck, and just sprayed off the side of your bed? Have you? No. Just go and fuck it. You know, there's enough T-shirts and trousers on the floor that it's going to catch most of the load.

I'm not going to go and continue with this. You know, there's enough T-shirts and trousers on the floor that's going to catch most of the load. I'm not going to go and continue with this. You have. You've splashed over the side of your bed. I don't think anyone wants to hear this. No, I want to hear it.

I want to know. I've spunked everywhere in my room. All up the chair. Have you? Everywhere. All up the chair. Wherever you want.

Where's an exotic place? An exotic place in your bedroom does not exist. Right, next question. Woman bites off husband's ear for buying incorrect Valentine's present.

True. Is correct. It's fake. It's fake, that one. The performance artist who always had something up his sleeve and ear. Up his arse.

He had an ear on his sleeve. Up his arse. No. Up his arse. Ear on his sleeve. He had a watermelon up his arse. Ear on his sleeve. Up his arse? No. Up his arse? Ear on his sleeve. He had a watermelon up his arse. Ear on his sleeve.

Up his arse. Yes, okay, up his arse. Thank you. Was it real or fake? Was it up his arse, though, Paul? No, it was not. It was a sleeve, ear on his sleeve. Don't ever talk about that again.

Okay, fine. Right, insomnia leads woman to her second lottery jackpot. True. It's correct. Kebab burglar drops five foot doner kebab on his foot. Five stone. Five stone doner kebab on his foot. I hate this game.

Can I just say that? Is it real or fake? I think that's true. It is real. It's true. He broke into it and he dropped the foot. He dropped it on his foot, the big meat. Yeah, the elephant's leg.

Why would you steal that? It's worth fucking a whole day's taking in a busy... Is it? Yeah, think how much they sell. A large doner is like £8.50. So where do they take it to? Do they take it to their shop? Yeah, whatever.

Or they do it in the back street. Get it in a fridge. Doner kebab. I wouldn't go for that. I saw a picture on Twitter the other day. It said kebab centre, but it was scrawled in sort of permanent marker on this sign. It was definitely at the back of it. I'll go.

I'll get a kebab there. Right, okay. How long have we got? Girl has ant colony growing inside her head. True or false? I don't think that's... I don't want to believe it. What is it?

I think it's true. It's real. An Indian 12-year-old girl had over 1,000 ants removed from her ears. How poor do you think she was living in the fucking ground?

Doctors are baffled as to the cause and how they kept coming out and unable to pinpoint where the bugs were coming from. It's because she's fucking ants crawled up her fucking nose! The girl complained...

Crawled ants up her nose, Paul! She complained of an irritation in her ear and suffered no pain in spite of the ants biting the insides of her ears. her nose, Paul. She complained of an irritation in her ear and suffered no pain in spite of ants biting the insides of her ears. Beyond the physical discomfort,

the ants are causing serious social problems. The girl has been teased after a number of instances in school having ants crawling out of her ear. I mean, it's just terrific. I don't know. This is really nasty now, Paul.

Spanish man builds 50-foot spaceship to visit planets from his novels. True or false? True. It is correct. Couple mistakes superglue for lubricant and get stuck together for 16 hours. Yeah.

You would know. Also, what... I would have heard about that if that was true. Yeah. Burger King buns are made from the same material used to make Air Jordans. I don't think it would even stick. It wouldn't properly stick your dick.

Probably not. Because it's too wet in there. Especially when I get nice and wet. Nothing's getting stuck to the inside of that. It's slippish, sloshy time. What was that one you just read? It was at the back. Burger King buns are made from the same material used to make Air Jordans.

True or false? False. It is correct. I could do this, wouldn't I? I could do it from just now. Man bitten on penis by spider for the second time this year. True. Who did that happen to?

Famous recently. Yeah, that was that guy. No, it wasn't. It was... It was the guy from Sex Pistols. Johnny Lydon. Apparently, he was playing with a squirrel and a flea on the squirrel's back bit his penis.

Yeah, he's a dick. He deserves it. He was fucking a squirrel, wasn't he? Probably, because he's... No fucking ethics, that guy. No. He's a fucking... He's a cunt.

Yeah. Fuck you. One good album. Literally one good album. And they're revered. Do you know what I mean? It's like... It's not even that good.

I could be wrong, I could be right. Well, there's that as well. I could be black, I could be white. I don't like that stuff. I don't like that stuff. I only like

the Sex Pistols album. What are they called? We are the Sex Pistols. We are the Sex Pistols. No, what's it called? We are the Naughty Boys. Never mind the bollocks. We do our songings

for all the girls' boys and we are the sexists. I've lost it. How long have we got till New Year's? To New Year 2020? It's nine minutes. Oh, it's exciting. I wish you would agree with my point about it being stupid to call 2020 to personify 2020.

It's stupid because it builds it up and it sort of says it will end. Like our troubles will end at midnight tonight. They won't. Do you know what I mean? It's just counting time. It's arbitrary. It just happened that the global pandemic started neatly within this year. Do you know what I mean?

It could rage for the whole of next year, plus ecological disasters piling up. Dog sentenced to two months in County Pound for having Hitler moustache. How about that? Like it. It's not true though. It's not true, is it, sadly? Woman arrested for stinking up bathroom in closing down restaurant. True. No, it's

fake. Oh, come on. I've done. You fucking have. You've done restaurant closers. You've left war crimes. Have you ever done a restaurant closer? No, you haven't either. I have not. I have never. You've done restaurant closers. You've left war crimes. Have you ever done a restaurant closer? No, you haven't either. I have not. I have never. You've probably come close though.

I have not. A big load of bangers and mash. We've read about that on our show, on the segment where you, the listener, I thought we were going to do one of those. We're doing a fucking... Tell us on the shop floor. I thought you were going to read it out.

Come on, read it out. I'll read it out. No, I'm not going to do it now. You're just going to read these useless... No, I'm not going to do it now. You're just going to read these useless... No, I'm not going to do it. We've got eight minutes left till New Year's. So we're going to kiss, touch each other. What do you want to do then?

But it's something so irresponsible. Why am I being irresponsible? Because we're not meant to touch. We're not even meant to be this close. We are. We're like more than two metres apart. It's tier four here in London. We're more than two metres apart.

We're fine. But we're not meant to even meet in... Ad featuring woman's breasts leaves trail of carnage with 500 accidents a day distracting male drivers in Moscow. True. It's correct. Woman with boobs is in a poster. She has...

They attract across their nipples. This is how you want to end the year, reading this second-rate fucking cards out. Come on, let's give the people who support our show, Paul, something here. Charmin tries to get Mad Pooper to turn himself in. Bill Donut should do a song

like the Houtanani. Come on, I'll get Don in to manage Bill. Who did you want to speak? Hey, Bill, you remember me? We used to work back in the 70s. You sold me my first line of cocaine. I didn't sell you the line.

I seem to remember. I gave you the line. I gave you everything you needed. You said, come over here and touch old Mr. Charlie. You were my favourite artist. You were my first artist. You used to sing the songs. You used to do the do's. You were very good to me back in the day. Okay, now Bill. Yes, yes. Yeah, the guys from Cheap Show, they want you

to do a song tonight. You see? You see? You do the song, see? And then you'll be they want you to do a song tonight. For New Year's? Yeah, you see? You're doing a song, see? And then you'll be good, see? Yes. I've got a song I can sing for New Year's. Don't tell me, don't tell me. No, you don't want to know.

I'm Don McNubbin. I'll give 50%. All right. 50%. So I set up here. You set up there. Okay, I'm just going to set up over here. Bear with me while I set this up.

It's okay. Okay, have we got Bill to finish Sing Us Into The New Year, Paul? Yeah, he's going to have a go of it now. Okay, I've done McNabin Needs Paying. And I think you should use the Patreon money. I've only got a tenner on me. Just get the Patreon card and give it to me. How much?

No, I'm not. I've got Nabin! I've got a serious problem with Nubbin's ethics. I think he's a fucking con man. At least Jimmy Biscuits was honest. Jimmy Biscuits was never honest. He was fucking honest to a fault, mate. That was the problem.

He was pure. Listen. Don McNubbin is a fucking human travesty of a character. He's not. A vile, corrupt pervert. He's just standing over there. Like all of your characters. He's not a pervert.

Like all of your characters. What did he do as a perverted today? He just told Bill to... You're all fucking... He's going to come back and give... All your characters end up being dirty as a perverted today he just told Bill you're all fucking he's going to come back all your characters end up being dirty little bastards

five minutes alright when we get to three minutes Bill better be ready to perform so go and talk to him I want to hear you Paul talking to Bill

setting up now here we go now go and fucking egg him on alright Bill what have you got for us today I've I've just thought

an upbeat ditty Bill what what have you got an upbeat ditty I just thought an upbeat ditty. Bill, what have you got? An upbeat ditty about reflections on the past. Just a quick thought. Can you do a few bars of like Marlowe and Kintyre or something? No, there's a song I've written myself. Is it New Year's specific?

Yes, it's about remembering days past and looking forward to the new year. Paul, just give him a bit of a strong arm here. Mate, you've got to pick this up. Tell him he won't give him any booze. He can't have any booze unless he does a good job. Oh, is it booze? There's no booze unless you do a good job, Bill. I would need a sip now just for lubrication.

Here's Don McNubbin. Look what he's got under his coat. Hey, Don McNubbin. Yes, Don, what have you got? I got, let me tell you what I got here for you, Bill, right now. Give me this. I got a big old bottle of Red Label. Do you like that? Oh, let me have a little. Scotch, blended scotch. I'll have a drink for right now. Give me this. I've got a big old bottle of Red Label. Do you like that? Let me have a little

Scotch blended Scotch. I'll have a drink now. Okay. Now do a good show, okay? I'll get 50%. The rage is coming. The rage. The rage is coming. Okay, do the song now. I think they need you to do the song now, Bill.

Okay, I'm getting ready. Take it away. Knock him out. Take him away. Okay, here we go. You're Bill. I'm Don McNovin. Thank you. do this song now, Bill. Okay, I'm getting ready. Take it away. Knock him out. Take him away. Okay, here we go. You're Bill. I'm Don McNubbin. Thank you. I'm going to go now. Here we go.

Rating, Bill. It's that time of year again when you remember all your friends who fucked you over for some other pretty girl Oh, I remember little Susie She was a little floozy Former little girl What? And once

Said, I'm gonna warn you that Bill They're like, what's wrong? What's wrong with this? Bill, that... Bill. What's wrong? What's wrong with this song? Bill, that's no good. We're going to have to... That's no good. Yeah, you can't sing that, mate.

It sounds... These days, it's inappropriate to do a song like that. It's no good. Very inappropriate. Go back there with Inchman. I've got another song. I'm bringing Inchman in to take you away. I've got another song.

I'm bringing Inchman in to take you away. I've got another song. What? It's, it's, it's... It's, it's, it's... Bill, come on. I've been asked by. I'm bringing Inchman in to take you away. I've got another song. What? Inch, Inch, Inch. Inch, Inch, Inch. Bill, come on. I've been asked by... Eli's asked me.

Father. Does anyone want Inches, by the way? Do you remember my past? Does anyone want Inches? You've got to do the countdown. I'm checking it now. Inch, Inch, Inch. Inch, Inch, Inch.

That's five. Five for you. Five Inches. Now, Bill. Bill. There's three minutes left on the show. We've got this. Bill, come on.

What? I don't want Inches to come. We've got this. Bill, come on. What? I don't want you to come. We're going to walk several inches out of here into where we live in the back quarters. Three inches? Come on. I'll shove you up three inches. Let's sing one more song before I go to apologise. Here we go.

Here we go. Don't pull it. I don't think Bill should. It's the new year. The new year. Remember the new year. Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da We both had a laugh, a super laugh. What, what? Larry, yes. I don't remember the past. Itch, itch, itch! Yes. Itch! Yes. Bill. Do you not want me to sing no more?

I can do it. No, come on. I've got some inches for you. Okay. Goodbye, Mr. Silverman. Goodbye, Mr. Gannon. Bye. Yes, goodbye.

Bill, bye. It's just us, Paul. Well, that was the music section, we've got two minutes left. All right. Well, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, Eli. Happy New Year to you. I hope everyone who's listening to this,

if you are indeed listening to this as you run down to midnight, send us pictures. Send episode ideas. Yeah, on that as well. Send us pictures of how you celebrated New Year's on Twitter. Send episode ideas. At the Tweet Show Plop. At. Send episode ideas. At the Tweet Show Plop.

At the Tweet Show. At the Tweet Show Plop. Bleep, blop, blip. Bleep, blop, blip. www.com. At the Cheap Show Pod.

Just send us pictures of you celebrating Cheap Show. No, New Year's. They can celebrate us as well. Where am I? Who am I?

Who are you? Eli Silverman If you want to contact me On Twitter Yeah Eli Snowid E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D That's where you'll find me

And it's how it's spelled Paul get out all this One minute 26 seconds Ladies and gentlemen This is It's exciting You know what Paul It's a new year

This is literally About the first new year In Yeah A decade That I haven't been working. It's kind of sad. No, it's not.

Have fun. Play some music loud. Own it. You go, girl. You work it. I'm going to be at home. You won't. The biggest payday of the year.

Why don't you go on Facebook and play some music and just go Facebook Live and do some live music? Do that. Play it. Yeah. I haven't got decks. It'd be sad. How long have we got? We've got 53 seconds. Play it. Sad. Yeah. I haven't got decks. No, well. It'd be sad. How long have we got? We've got 53 seconds. In the last minute of the year, everybody. We're counting down. I hope you've had a lovely, well, no one's had a lovely

2020. Well, don't demonise 2020. They've been good, they've been bad. Why are you standing up for 2020? Because it's not the year's fault. It's an arbitrary number that we've been counting for that happens to coincide. That will forever be tainted by it. It's been a tainted year. It's been a tainted year, though, hasn't it? number that we've been counting for that happened to coincide. Some good stuff happened. It's been a tainted year.

That was a good moment, wasn't it? For some. You're coming out as a Trump supporter in the last 20 seconds. He's come out and he came out as an anti-masker. We're going to have to do the countdown. One number each.

Thank you very much for supporting us this year on Cheap Show. We hope you have a lovely 20. To the countdown. It's not 10 seconds. Now it is. Now it is. It's 10 seconds. 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

Happy New Year. It's a celebration Celebrate good times Come on Right now we can stop doing the podcast But you want us to keep talking? Let's just have a drink But you want us to keep talking?

Yeah Now it's off the books Happy New Year We hope you have a great 2021 We should stop it Ah fuck it 2021 mate What do you want to do in 2021? Now it's off the books. Happy New Year. We hope you have a great 2021. We should stop it. Ah, fuck it. 2021, mate.

What do you want to do in 2021? I want to suck your chud. Chud me knob. Chud me knob. Chud me, chud me. Spot off. Chud me mob. Chud me bob.

Chud me, chud me. Chud me. Chud me. Chud me. Chud me. Chud me. Chud me. Chud me. Chud me.

Chud me. Chud me. Chud me. Chud me. Chud me. Chud me. Chud me. Chud me.

Chud me. Chud me. Chud me. Chud me. Chud me. I've been getting this new syllable, Paul. It's a new syllable which I want to work in. What do you mean, new syllable?

Chorub. Chorub. Chorub. Chorub. Just that noise. Chorub. Chorub. Chorub.

2021's fucked, everyone. Chorub. 2021's fucked. Chorub. Chorub. Chorub. Chorub. Chorub.

Chorub. Chorub. Chorub. Chorub. Chorub. Chorub. Chorub. Chorub.

Chorub. Chorub. Chorub. Chorub. Chorub. Chorub. Chorub. Chorub.

Chorub. Chorub. Chorub. Chorub. Chorub. Chorub. Chorub. Chorub.

Chorub. Chorub. Chorub. Chorub. Chorub. Chorub. Chorub. Chorub.

Chorub. Chorub. Chorub. Chorub. Chorub. Chorub. Chorub. Chorub.

Chorub. Chorub. Chorub. Chorub. Chorub. Chorub. Chorub. Chorub. Chorub Can I just honestly say, I'm sorry for the news game quiz.

I thought it would be much better than it was. It was really bad. It was the definition of piss poor. It was really easy to guess. You didn't even have to read it. That R. Todd thing was the worst fucking... I'm actually just vulgar. I think they're doing it because they want to try and give clues.

There must be some kind of mechanism where you try and guess within a certain amount of words or something. Maybe, but still. By the time you get there, then you see what I mean? Fucking still, though. You see what I'm getting at, though? Even that. It's just bad writing. They might have wanted to give it away by that point in that card.

Maybe, but it's still bad writing. Ideally, it shouldn't be written that way. I just want to say sorry for that game. It's just another gimmicky game that they put in cards. Yeah, that people buy and they put in stocking fillers for Christmas and no one fucking buys. And that's why they end up in charity shops I want to play

Game Quest Cube Quest what's that? they're flicking dice fantasy thing you want to flick my cubes

do you? you want to flick my cube Boyd you want to flick my Tommy Cube Boyd I'd like to tongue fuck your cubes you would like to tongue fuck

my Tommy Cube Boyd oh come on press stop on it I'm Tommy Cube Boyd this you said one hour and now I'd like to tongue fuck your kibs. You would like to tongue fuck my Tommy Q Boyd? Oh, come on. Press stop on it. I'm Tommy Q Boyd. This you said one hour, and now I feel like I'm still performing. No, this is the party. This is the post-party thing. All right, do you want more whiskey then?

You haven't had your mojito yet. I'm finishing it now. Hey, I hope you haven't put some music on. What time is it? We've put some music on. It's a couple of minutes past midnight. Dickhead, it's meant to be two minutes after. I need to pretend it.

It's one of those episodes that no one listens to ever again. What? No, you're not touching the telly. You can't control it. It's logged into my account. So you can't touch the music choices, nor can we play any. You just said I could play some music. No.

You've changed your mind totally. You've rewinded. Yeah, because I'm listening to you now. And the point is that now that I'm listening to you now And the point is Now that I'm listening to you I don't want you to talk I'll put some music on then Here's my impression of Bruce Willis Under the pole

Down by the sea It's about moustaches We're not playing music Because it will give us Copyright strikes and shit Won't it? Well that's why I'm saying Oh look he's on it

Do you want some soda in that? No No soda? Neaty neaty Make me sweetie Paul I don't think We should just get on A drunk rampage

We're doing it It's happening This is where the show Goes off the box I need to go for a wee Go for a wee then I'll keep on talking Go on go for a wee Don't do this Don't do need to go for a wee. Go for a wee then. I'll keep on talking. Go on.

Go for a wee. Don't do this. Don't do this, everyone. I'll bring the microphone with you. Go for a pee so I can hear it. No, it's not going to be able to reach that far, is it? No, it's not going to work. Hello, everybody.

Hello, everybody. Here I am. He's grinding. He's bumping and grinding. I want to play my music. Can we stop the podcast so I can play some fucking music? All right. Then go for a pee,

then come back. I have a splash in there, Perrier. Perrier. Splish splash, hours drink. That's enough. You go pee, and then we'll finish the episode

when you come back properly, all right? And I'll do some cheek cringey shit that you don't like. What do you mean? I'll do all the thank you very much

for supporting us. I thought he did that before midnight. We love you, because you hate genuine emotion. You hate showing any tender side of yourself. I showed you the tender side of me. Not only on a fucking sofa pillows.

That's the only fucking thing. I can't believe you've done that. Do not bring up the incident. That would be a real caring person. Wouldn't bring up the incident, Paul. Just say goodbye and then you can go piss then. Rather than me kill for time while you

train your lizard I knew I'm sorry I thought the job was an hour tonight Paul right well then

merry merry new year ladies and gentlemen thank you for supporting Cheap Show they're not listening now because they're having a party

it ruins the whole point of this whole episode yeah it's true they probably already wanted us to move on they already have stopped listening to this this is the whole gimmick

of this last it's over it's the last I'm milking this. When are we going to talk about a bit of what we've done this year? I don't want this to end. I'm frightened. Let's talk...

I've got it. No, we're not going to talk about the episodes of the year now. Let's talk a bit about that now. No. Come on. I'm ready for it. What was your favourite episode? I liked the quest.

I was thinking about that. If you remember... The Goblin Quest. What was it called? Sir Fresh One. Yes, the Salty Fresh One. Salty Fresh One. Remember him?

Now I liked him. My favourite episode was Winky. Bye, everyone. That was our episode this year. Bye. Salty Fresh One. Remember him? Now I liked him. My favourite episode was Winky. Bye, everyone. That was our episode this year. Bye. Thanks for supporting us. Thank you for supporting us. We love you,

but we're drinking. We're going to carry on partying into 2021. We hope you do too. Keep smiling and remember... Thanks, everyone, really. Bye, thank you. And bye.

No, stop. Can I just say? Do you want the last word? I love all the listeners. Is that the last word you're going to say? I'll get scrungy. I'll get scrungy in the downstairs. You need to tell me if you're about to say the last thing so I can stop talking.

This will be my last thing. This thing that you're about to say right now. Scrungy in the downstairs. So I won't talk if you say whatever you want to say. I will say it. Just give me a nod and then I'll stop talking. Ready? When my finger's in the air, Paul. When your finger's in the air. That's when I'll say then I'll stop talking. Ready? When my finger's in the air, Paul.

When your finger's in the air. That's when I'll say the last thing. Right, okay. So your finger's in the air now. So you must be silent. When? Forevermore

until you put your finger on the button after I put my finger in the air. Put your finger on the button? Put the finger in the air? Yeah. Alright, okay. You ready?

So I stop when you put your finger in the air. Is that how it goes? You're not doing it. You put your finger in the air and I stop talking it goes? You're not doing it. You put your finger in the air and I stop talking. I'm not fucking playing your game. How about that?

It's your game. I just don't understand the rules. So you stop talking. I'm going to go and stop. I'm going to fucking press it. You stop talking. I'm going to fucking press stuff on that thing myself.

What's the chain of events? You put your finger up. You stop talking during this podcast. Yeah. And all you must do when I pull the finger down is press stop

on the fucking newfangled Zoom recorder we've got. You ready? We've had it for two years. And what I'm going to say is this. Locust got genuli. You fucking...

That's it. That's it. That's how you're going to end it. Have you stopped it? No, because that was not... Oh, you fucking say something. You think something... Oh, no.

I am going to give you the last word of 2020. Right? So you've got to come up with the last word of 2020. It's up to you. I've given you the sign out for this year's podcast. Okay, Paul, you ready? It's got to be good. It's got to be good.

It's got to be good. Here we go. One sentence. I'm going to stop straight after. Right? Ladies and gentlemen, Eli with the final thought of Cheap Show 2020, 2021, coming up now.

Here we go. He's put his finger up. I'm going to stop talking now. Eli, take it away. You put the fuck piece in Brando's mum's mouth. I didn't.