CheapShow - Ep 214: Krankies, Ducks & Goals

Episode Date: January 22, 2021

Football is a sport. It's something Paul & Eli know very little about, but here we are, talking about sport. Kinda. This week is a Silverman's Platter bonanza where we tackle 3 very different types of vinyl oddities. This week, we look into the odd musical career of 1980s comedy double act, The Krankies, we dive into the surprisingly deep history of The Birdie Song and end by exploring the weird popularity of the UK Football team pop single trend. It yields some very interesting facts and fancies. Remember, Paul and Eli know nothing about footy, so we apologise in advance for continuously calling the song "Three Lions" "Four Lions". It's a packed pod, but you also get a quick dose of noodle news, hear about Eli's new anxiety dream and find out what he thinks an old lady should do with a hot dog. So there's that. Join us! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-214-krankies-ducks-goals If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Also, you can NOW see Eli star in "Ashens & The Polybius Heist", download it from here: https://www.watchpolybiusheist.com MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop https://www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Paul is writing a book! Want to help make it happen? https://unbound.com/books/ghosts/ Send Us Stuff CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Oh, I don't wait. Fuck, you know. Just give me some seconds of silence. Silence is not blow your cigarette past the microphone, by the way. I can still hear it, mate. It is. It feels creepy. The ASMR.

It's not ASMR. It's creepy man-old breath. Man-old breath. Man-old breath, yeah. You've started already, mate. You've started. No, I'm just waiting for you to casually finish your cigarette before we can get started with this episode.

Yeah, are you ready to go? Are you clear, sober-minded and focused? Already. Let's just do the opening, okay? All right, here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the opening. No, it's not yet. We're doing five seconds, and then we're actually doing the opening. I don't want to here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the opening. No, it's not yet. We're doing five seconds,

and then we're actually doing the opening. I don't want to get into this shit with you. You always fucking do this. Always a problem. You always do this. All right. Let's actually have a normal moment, right, where I don't find myself...

You know I'm leaving this in the episode, right, don't you, though? I know, but next time, can we have a normal moment where I know when i'm not doing it yes next time we both decide can have a connection next time i'm poor i need us both to decide and agree mutual terms of when the fucking cold open starts it's already opened it's a fucking cold opening well there you go isn't it it's so far it's on point the touch it's cold

it's ice hot it sort of burns your hand off yeah ice hot can you imagine a sort of is this your opening is this what we're doing should we just start yeah you said you had some interesting things you said you wanted to say for the i did but you put me off because we're in the intro now all i can think of is this icy vagina because it's cold to the touch but where's the hot though the vagina cold opening you're telling me you don't think of an icy vagina when I say cold opening? It's weird, I really don't. I thought of a cave. You know,

when you were a teenager, didn't you sort of come home from the disco and go, oh. Or want some icy vag? No, you know, go, oh, I did, I went behind the bike shed for that Emma, and she had an icy vag. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Cheap Show. No, no!

It's happening. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're gonna have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap Show. You're gonna have to learn to fucking accept It's the price of shite Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheap Show

And I go and I nuzzle Right, Paul. It's Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast. We go through the charity shops, bargain bins, powerlands of Great Britain and bring you back, hopefully, the treasure amongst the trash. Hello, Eli. I'm Paul the charity shops, bargain bins, powerlands of Great Britain and bring you back, hopefully, the treasure amongst the trash. Hello, Eli.

I'm Paul. I'm Eli. Hello, Paul. Hello, Eli. I'm Paul. Rummage. Scrummage and... A scrummage and a rummage.

Scrummage is a rugby term that occurred to me the other day. Did you know that? Yes. It didn't occur to me, though, to put the two together. Scrummage is where they all scrummage. Yeah.

Paul. Yes. I'm waiting for you to add these things you said you wanted to bring up. I have two things. Yeah. Hello, everybody. It's Eli Silverman of Cheap Show. That's the one.

That's not one thing. Then why did you say, here's two things? One, hello, everybody. It's Cheap Show. Then it is one thing, isn't it? First thing, okay? Yeah. You've really put me off.

I don't want to say it now. Just say it. Right. I was walking the other day. Yeah. You've really put me off. I don't want to say it now. Just say it. Right, I was walking the other day, yeah. In the park. My dad and his dog. See, when you go with it, it's quite nice, isn't it? No, I'm not doing it. So I'm walking, Primrose Hill, yeah?

Yeah. And there's a lady sitting on a bench with a pram. One of these prams that have a sort of storage space underneath it. So I'm walking Primrose Hill, yeah? Yeah. And there's a lady sitting on a bench with a pram. One of these prams that have a sort of storage space underneath it. Right. And this big dog, it's like a greyhound sort of dog. Oh, okay. Brown, not grey. Are they all grey greyhounds? No, I just think they're called greyhounds.

Yeah. I don't think they're grey. No. I think they're quite a lot. Stupid, isn't it? Well, what about a blackbird? They're black. They're not sometimes yellow, are they? No. So why is it called a bloody greyhound then? They need to get their namings right of birds and colours and dogs. This is unfortunately where I can't counteract that with something.

I have to side with you. It's true, isn't it? Does grey mean something? It's the name of the breed. Oh, what are we doing? It's the name of the breed. Perhaps they were grey to begin with. Is it G-R-E-Y?

Is that the name of the colour? Yeah. What's G-R-A-Y? That's the name of the colour. You they were grey to begin with. Is it G-R-E-Y? Is that the name of the colour? Yeah. What's G-R-A-Y? That's the name of the colour. You can spell it both ways, can't you? I think there's an American and English divide there. Because maybe grey means something. You know, like certain words meant a colour.

Like a bolt of something meant white or I don't know. I've got nothing. I've got nothing. A bolt meant white. Is that real? No. You can't. Listen, don't put up an intellectual framework

of an example and then think, I'm going to be able to pull the example up. The intellectual scaffolding was weak on this. It was well weak. The bolts were all

coming undone. No, now listen. Why not? So I'm walking. She's this young lady. Yeah. Young mother, probably. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's got a pram. It's one of those buggies. You wouldn't call it a pram, but it's one of those buggies. Yeah. With a place underneath to store things. Store shopping, for example.

Yes. This big dog lollops up to her. Right. Right. And you can see its owner coming sort of behind. Chasing the dog. No. Just following.

It's this sort of elderly looking woman with sunglasses. Right. And this expression like, don't fuck with me on her face, basically. Oh, right. Really? Yeah. And she has a big dog. Yeah.

It's not like a big fierce looking dog. It's right, really? Yeah. And she has a big dog. Yeah, it's not like a big, fierce-looking dog. It's just sort of a large dog. It's a large dog. It's a bit of a lolloping large dog. It could be a Doberman cross, actually. Did it look upset? Anyhow... I'm trying to do less scatological humour,

but it doesn't work, does it? It just ends up coming across as Radio 4-worthy. Yeah, I don't want to do that. God forbid us getting on Radio 4, Paul. Can you imagine that? Cheap show, Radio 4. Hello imagine that? Cheap Show Radio 4 Hello everybody Goodbye everyone

Cheese Noodles Oh Eli, you silly sausage Oh, I freaking love to lick a freaking cat Which I sometimes call pussy Paul, Eli, I'm your producer of Radio 4's Cheap Show Oh, what is it, Derek? You are shit

This doesn't work in another form, does it? No It hasn't stopped you putting on fucking other shit producer of Radio Force Cheap Show. Oh, what is it, Derek? You are shit. This doesn't work in another form, does it? No. It hasn't stopped you putting on fucking other shit. Oh, the news quiz. Now, let's not get into this. Go on. So this dog lollops up

and it's snuffling around. It's put its head into the grocery round. Snuffle, snuffle. And it fucking, and she's screaming at it. Right. The woman.

And its head comes out, flicks back, and it's got in it between its teeth a whole pack of hot dog buns. Stolen from the pram. Yeah. Right. Like a whole sheath of hot dog buns. A whole big cartridge of buns. Well, in cellophane. Yeah.

So you can see what's inside it, obviously. And then it goes and literally lollops off. And the woman sitting on the bench goes again and the fucking owner hasn't said shit doesn't say shit at all just walks past with sunglasses run off with it the dog gets yeah puts it on the ground yeah nearby and starts wolfing down these hot dogs you know gets inside it is wolfing the person with the pram goes oh no not again. And then everyone's looking at the owner like,

are you going to apologise? And she's like, no, fuck it. She doesn't say shit. Yeah, because she's got a dog she can't control that eats baby sausages. Yeah, but you still apologise. You offer some money or something, don't you? You say, look, I'm sorry,

my dog ate your hot dog buns again. How much? It's two packs. Did the woman with the pram go, oi, mate. No, and people were like, go on, she'd say something to her. And she was just like, no, no, no. It happens all the time.

Yeah, basically. Yesterday it was celery. I don't know. I can't control it. So that was the first thing. Monday, Beethoven, bag of beans. Yeah, you know. Tuesday, greyhound, potatoes.

No, I think it was again on every detail. So again, that dog. Yeah. This part of the park. And that woman. And probably that woman. And also the food stuff. Theorising. It can smell hot dog buns.

Well, maybe theorising. You go backwards. And it's like one of these petty incidences that builds up over time. So initially, like, the old lady walks a dog, attacks the pram. On that day, there was a bit of an altercation. Oh, you can't do this and the old woman's like i don't give a fuck my dog whatever anyway next time happens again what what's going on blah blah blah bit of an altercation but again doesn't go anywhere the

third time is when you stroll into it and she's like i can't be i can't be doing this i'll just buy some fucking more as you can see just under the hood of the pram she's polishing her gun yeah just just polishing it next time the dogam, she's polishing a gun. Just polishing it. Next time, the dog. Next time. Next time, I'm going to make dog brain pizza. But it's not the dog's fault, is it? Yes. Because you can teach a dog not to do that.

Yeah, but it's the owner who has the responsibility of teaching the dog. Yes. Or punishing the dog. Or, you know. Licking the dog out. Having the dog on a leash, maybe. Maybe spraying some whipped cream onto an old... No.

And then having the dog licking off no dog licks it all off at the minute maybe stick a hot dog up her fanny and you've got the buns

so the dog can sort of run at her fanny with a bun like position you're getting you're getting the picture the bun is like getting the picture

straight out of his mouth yeah right and she's got a no You're getting the picture. The van is getting the picture. Straight out of his mouth. Yeah. Right. And she's got a... No! It fits together nicely, man. No! Slots right in.

Put some mustard in there. Dogs probably don't like mustard. That's not my problem. That's not my complaint with this situation, if a dog likes mustard or not. I was trying to make a serious point. You were! Yes, I was.

About the... Right, so... And the other story. Yeah. Oh, there's two. God almighty. Right. Same walk.

Yeah. Same walk. But this is more of a bit of a bugbear of mine, Paul. All right, okay. Into Tales from the Walking. Exactly. Thank you.

Because there's no way you're going to do a Tales from the Dance Floor any time soon, are you? Shut up, man. Just saying. Tales from my own dance floor. Yeah, Tales from the One Man Dance Floor.

I wanked off. That's the tale. So like your other Tales from the Dance Floor, it'll be the same story week in, week out. I could just imagine someone asked for the Bee Gees and I said, oh, fuck off. Yeah, you could. You could invent.

You could have your flatmate say, why don't you put this on? And you went, no. And there you go. So we're turning the corner in Camden Lock. You could invent. You could have your flatmate say, why don't you put this on? And you went, no. And there you go. So we're turning the corner in Camden Lock. Right. Right. And it's a sort of narrow point. I don't know if you know Camden Market,

but there's their food court. You know the food court that's right on the dock sort of thing? And there's that path that goes out, that goes over that little bridge where the... Just there. Yeah. Do you know it's kind of narrow there? Yes.

Yeah. So we're coming from inside the market. Right. Coming out of that archway. Going under the archway. Just about to. Yeah. Do you know it's kind of narrow there? Yes. Yeah. So we're coming from inside the market. Right. Coming out of that archway. Going under the archway, just about to. Right. Jogger comes around the corner. Jogger.

Straight away around the corner. Fucking. And runs towards us and literally goes, it literally says something, I wish I could remember the exact words, but he goes, that's, I'm going to be going through there or something like that. Wow. Do you know what I mean? Get out the way I'm coming through.

Well, that's the place where I'm going to be or something like that. It's like, that's my space there. Right. And I just went, you fucking prick. Like, I just, my piss boiled that moment. You know what I mean? One second before he's appeared and we're already walking.

Do you know what I mean? And it's like the fucking rank, privilege, stink of it. Do you know what I mean? I just can't stand these people. Yeah, I agree. We've had this problem before where we've mentioned joggers. When we did our walks last year, a number of times a jogger with no mask on comes running past. Yeah.

And then impatiently jogging on the spot inches behind you at a crossing. But that's okay because at least they're sort of, you know. No, it's not okay. It's not okay, but it's better than that person who's literally attacking me verbally about just where I am standing. Oh, yeah, yeah. I have no chance. Do you know what I mean? There's levels of outrage.

We all better just stand back for the fucking, oh, the fitness man. The fitness man is coming. Make sure you give the fitness man his fucking space because he's so much better than us because he's in middle management and he's got a fucking fitness regime. You could tell by the way that's my gang that kind of yeah that sort of um suppressed annoyance in his voice you know what i mean not like that's my space yeah yeah out of my way jogger that's my actual place actually you know like actually that's where you know who's

got the it's just like i am the jogger man yeah out of my way i'll be running so middle management it's so privileged you know i mean i just ah do you think brandoff's a jogger man. Yeah. Out of my way. I'll be running. So middle management. It's so privileged. Do you know what I mean? I just, ah. Do you think Brandoff's a jogger? Totally. Yeah. But he gets people to fucking just go and slap people around.

Yeah. He brings people to his house to say, get out of my way and slap them. Well, he's not at home anymore. No, he's not at home. He has to do that in prison. He's doing all right in prison. Is he? He keeps having these violent convulsions every now and then.

People can't figure it out. They just have, every now and then, he'll just start screaming and juddering on the ground for about two minutes. Juddering? Like the judder man? No,

because the judder man is a thing from an advert for Mets, Booze, or whatever it's called. Mets, do you remember Mets? I do.

Remember? Just now, funnily enough. Was it called Mets? Yes. It was like a schnapps, right? It was a schnapps,

it was an alco-pop. Yeah. It was a lemonade, that's a good one, I loved it. Do you remember Moscow Mules? That whole period of the 90s where it was like a schnapps, right? It was a schnapps. It was an alco-pop. Yeah. It was a lemonade. That's a good one. I remember it from the days. Do you remember Moscow Mules? Smirnoff Moscow Mules. That whole period of the 90s

where it was like Bacardi Breezers, two dogs. The original being Hooch. Hooch, yeah. All those fucking drinks. There was a peach one, wasn't there? A peach schnapps thing as well. Yeah, I can't remember the name of that one.

Fuck me. I must have drunk so much schnapps at university. It was like a thing though, wasn't it? You'd get a couple of like, a couple of Metses. Do you know what I mean? Like a pre-loading thing. Yeah. And then you could make a, what was it called? An atomic shandy where you got lager and then

was it Mets and you poured it in? Or Moscow Mule? It didn't make much difference. Did you remember Smyrn off Moscow Mules? No. It was like a pre-mixed Alcopop thing. Of what? Of vodka and whatever a Moscow Mule is. What is that? It's like lemonade and vodka or something. Oh yeah, it might be a lemonade-y kind Alka-Pop thing. Of what? Vodka and whatever a Moscow Mule is. What is that? It's like lemonade and vodka or something.

Oh, yeah, it might be a lemonade-y kind of thing. I think so. Either way, because I have a very sweet tooth, that's all the stuff I drank at university, all those breezers and fucking sweet drinks. Yeah, but it was big. Back then, it seemed bigger. If you're into that now,

there's the whole world of it now, isn't there? I tell you what, here's an interesting fact. If you ever want to mix Guinness and hooch and drink that, I'll say this, it tastes much better coming out than it does going in. And then they're vomiting up

a load of Guinness and two dot hooch or whatever it was and go, hmm. No. You were still drunk, man. As a baby.

You're like my mate. He was once so pissed he was like passed out in his own vomit. Yeah. And someone leant over and went, come on, mate. You know, you have to get up. And he kind own vomit. Yeah. And someone, someone leant over and went, come on,

come on, mate, you know, you have to get up. And he kind of went, no, and sort of tried to pull the vomit over

as if it was like, like a blanket. Yeah. It's nestled down. You know what I mean? He snuggles down. Anyway, just wanted to mention,

because I may have mentioned on the show before, it's just like that woman when I was walking up on the parkway, the Highgate Parkway, which is that disused rail line where you can run

right out of nowhere. Excuse me. Another jogger. Yeah. Like that woman when I was walking up on the parkway, the Highgate Parkway, which is that disused rail line where you can... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right out of nowhere. Excuse me! Another jogger. Yeah. Get out of my way. Excuse you! They should put a fucking bell on them like cyclists have to.

Tring, tring! Oh, I hear a bell. I'll move out the way or step to the side. Or just share the pedestrian space. It's not your fucking right. Yeah, true. Especially if you come round the corner and... You know what I mean?

Yeah, out of the blue. It's like... What should we do to them them in our court of justice? The cheap show court of justice. I didn't mean to jog on Tuesday the 14th. I do apologise, sir. Well, I'm taking this piece of Lego and I'm going to... Insert it?

Into my meters. Here we go. I should have known better. No, no, that doesn't work, does it? Should have known better. Put a piece of Lego in my meters. Here we go. I should have known better. No, no, that doesn't work, does it? Should have known better. What? Put a piece of Lego in my meters. Should have known better.

What's that? Should have known better. Is it Fergal Sharky? Or am I thinking of Sharky and George? I don't know. Who's Sharky and George? The Crime Busters of the Sea. One of those Italian or French cartoons that got dubbed.

Oh, I thought it was like a Hanna-Barbera one. No, I don't think so. You know what the Hanna-Barbera is? You're thinking of... Oingo Bo or French cartoons that got dubbed. Oh, I thought it was like a Hanna-Barbera one. No, I don't think so. Do you know what the Hanna-Barbera... You're thinking of... Oingo Boingo. Oinky Doinky. What's he called? Wiggly, squiggly wiggly.

You're going mad. Stop it. Squidly Wiggly. No. I used to have that on video. Do you remember Squidly Wiggly? The Snorks is what they were called. I'm going mad.

And underwater Smurfs that Hanna-Barbera did. When the Smurfs were popular, They thought, what else have we got? Let's invent something that's just like them, like when we did the Scooby-Doo clones. We need to move on. We've got two points of... Can I just tell you that Squidly Diddley is a real thing? Did you know that?

Yes, it's an octopus character from Hanna-Barbera. Yes. He probably solved ghostly crimes. I don't know. It's a bit more of a sort of Yogi Bear rip-off because you've got the aquarium keeper. Oh, okay. Top cat antagonistic kind of thing.

Right, so quickly, two things of point of interest. One is, when we were talking about last week, the Frank Sidebottom cartoon, we were wondering, where does this come from? Oink. Oink, which was a... Which I collected. Now, Oink was not Viz, but it was kind of like the gateway drug between Beano and Viz. It was kind of like

the middle is a bit too rude, but not as rude as Viz. Yes, exactly. And in my age group, wasn't it before Viz. It was kind of like the middle is a bit too rude but not as rude as Viz. Yes, exactly. And in my age group wasn't it before Viz, Oink? No. Are you sure? No, because Viz was the first of its kind. Without Viz, Oink wouldn't have been published. There was other things for kids as well. Do you know for a fact Viz came out before Oink?

Do you know for a fact that Viz came out before Oink? What came out first, Oink or Viz? Oink was released in 86 and it ran until 88 and Viz came out before that. what came out first oink or viz oink was released in 86 and it ran till 88 and first came out before that how do you know because it said it came out to capitalize on the success of viz all right then yes so i was there right at the inception and i wish i'd of course i wish i'd kept those now yeah because i the first one did i recall had a flexi disc on it oh yeah because that was um oh what was that was a frank side bottom flexiollocks. Yeah, that's the kind of thing you want.

I know, but I used to buy them, and they appealed to me for that exact same reason, that it was just slightly ruder. I had one called, was it Acne magazine? I can't remember who published it. Wasn't that like a Mad magazine clone? No, because it was a British kind of kit. And did it have the soft cover? It was more like Oink and Viz in the cover how it was broken down

it wasn't a glossy cover it was just a newsprint cover no I also seem to remember one called The Bog Paper which was a Marvel comic UK Marvel that was like

naughty, sturdy like they had for instance Doctor Pooh and his turdice it was that kind of stuff it wasn't great Oink wasn't great either no

and it didn't didn't really spawn any it only ran for like four years. But Viz is like that. But when people say, oh, Viz isn't as good as it used to be, I kind of think that's that whole

familiarity breeds contempt. Of course. Because I've dipped into it every now and over the years and every now I've picked it up out of context of following it monthly, it's been like, oh, this is fun.

This is a good laugh. I like those adverts. The letter page is still funny. Yeah, I like it. So there's that. Second thing of point of interest that we need to... off the docket is... S bears scare bears so i got i found out the guy online who invented

the scare bears is a guy called george uh nicholas yes and he sent me a message on facebook and i forgot to follow it up before this recording but he was saying he also created the were bears i think the were bears were bigger no they were but weird how the scare bears and not the werebears got into the Comiket book. Because scare bears came first. It was like a cartoon that didn't go anywhere. But then he used those designs and turned them into the toys called the werebears, which were cuddly teddy bears that you kind of turned inside out so they looked like scary monsters. But the scare bears were monsters already.

They had no transformation gimmick. They were just, here's a Frankenstein one here's a Dracula one I would love to get one of those anyway I love things but they were just a cartoon

it's like those spoons the shreddy spoons based on the universal monsters I've got oh yeah oh baby do you know what

I love things that are based on the universal monsters yes do you like Monster Squad I've never seen it mate we need to fucking

watch Monster Squad how have you not seen Monster Squad I don't never got round it wasn't in the video shop in Letchworth alright we'll fix it. Mate, we need to fucking watch Monster Squad. How have you not seen Monster Squad? I don't know. I never got round. It wasn't in the video shop in Letchworth. Alright, we'll fix that one day.

When we used to go, you know, get videos out. George says, I've just had an inquiry about my characters the Scare Bears from you. You might want to check out my other more famous characters.

The Were Bears is a wiki link, etc. They were produced as an interchangeable toy that changed from cute to nasty in the 90s. I licensed it to Hornby to make the plush toy

and I produced the Were Bear comics to tie in, which had a circulation of around 80,000 to 100,000 per issue. Not licensed it to Hornby to make the plush toy and I produced the Werebear comics to tie in which had a circulation of around 80 to 100,000 per issue. Not bad, is it? It was not too bad

for that time. So obviously the Scare Bears I think was just the kind of the warm up to the more successful Werebears. The Scare Bears, sorry, were the warm up to

the more successful Werebears. So there we go. But both of them were a rip off of Care Bears. Well that's what the whole play on words is, isn't it? Isn't it a bit like sort of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as well?

Wasn't there a sort of something in the air where you take a sort of... Creature and a... A cute or nice creature, and then you give it a sort of ninja or horror or, you know. Yeah. That was very much... Well, biker mice from Mars. All of this. Pizza cats, samurai pizza cats.

Yeah. Avenger penguins. It's sort of in the same wheelhouse as that kind of idea isn't it yeah just cramming it all together but you know you're trading on a popular thing because

around the time I think the werebear the scare bears was a cartoon strip that was just off the back of the popularity of care bears which were huge

care bears were huge weren't they disgusting I didn't like them so yeah scare bears care bears were bears

nere bears bear bears hair bears hair bears that'd be good you could comb them chair bears like Paul

a hair bear could be like... Square bears. Well, that can be square. Yeah. But not the shape, as in they're really into playing risk. Nerdy bears. Yeah, and they collect stamps. Line dancing bears.

Anyway. That's square dancing bears, so it would be square dancing bear dancing. That's what I thought, line dancing. Square dancing bear dancing. Oh, birds. What's what I thought, line dancing. Square dancing, bear dancing. Oh, birds. What's coming up on the show today? No.

Come on, we have to finish this segment in 20 minutes. snare bears, chair bears, hair bears, that's it. Yeah.

Imagine hair bears. Thank you, I did. Let's move on. You know what they could be? They're like my little pony manes, but all over the bear. Yeah.

So you could comb it. Yeah. And put clips comb it. Yeah. And put clips on it. Right. And maybe you could have a special dye. Shh, shh. Spray it. What colour?

Yeah, pink. Oh, nice. Or blue. If anyone's listening out there who makes toys, Eli would like to... Or pink with sparkles. Put some little sparkles in. A little bit of sparkle. A little bit of sparkle clip.

A little clip. It's my hair bear. My hair bear. Right, well, on that weird moment, let's just end the segment. Let's introduce hair bear my hair bear right well on that weird moment let's just end the segment introduce you to my hair bear no it's mine no you've ruined it again he's nestled i'm not don't call your dick the hair bear that's horrible it's been a while, Mr. Silverman. I think it's finally time to return to Mr. Platter. Mr. Platter?

Yeah. Who's he? Here he comes. Oh, no. I didn't mean to start a character. Every time you fucking fuck up, a new character is born, yeah? That's what happens. That's a terrible burden to place upon me. When you say Mr. Specifically me. Also, you fucking fuck up a new character is born. Yeah? That's what happens. That's a terrible burden

to place upon me. When you say Mr... Specifically me. Also, you know who else we got waiting? What? Mr. Boys and Girls or whatever.

No, but that's fine. It's a character. It's a character, Mr. Boys and Girls. Every time you say Mr. in that cutesy fucking way. Oh, Mr. This. Oh, Mr. This.

Mr. Silverman. Oh, Mr. This. Oh, Mr. Cunt. Oh, hello everybody. I'm Eli Silverman. Mr. This. Mr. Cunt. Oh, hello, everybody. I'm Eli Silverman. It's not the beginning of the show. Kyle suddenly decided to become engaged in the format. Now, it's time for Silverman's Platters.

I'll introduce Silverman's Platters. Yes, yes. Hello, everybody. Eli Silverman. It's time for Silverman's Platters. This is the part of the show where we talk about forgotten gems and overlooked classics. Eli Silverman's Platters.

And you know what? This segment's gone. No, there he goes. It's falling apart. The foundation's crumbling. This segment, mate. It's like you're starting off from a cassette hello everybody

we start from the beginning alright go on hello everybody it's Eli Silverman here and it's time for My Platters that's Silverman's Platters it's where we look at

uncovered gems from the when's it gonna fall apart it's where we look at classics from the world of Moog music novelty records and obscure B-sides

and there's a patron saint of this segment. We have to, by law, call him up now, see how he's doing. The patron saint who is Jimmy McCracklin. No, hang on. Jimmy McCracklin.

Clyde McFatter. There you go. The building's down. Now, I'm going to call Clyde McFatter and we need his say-so to get this Silverman's Platters... This is such a fucking car wreck. ...going. To get the Platters going, I just have to call him now.

Do-do-do-do. I'm not doing a sound effect this week, so just say hello to him. Well, no, I was doing the sound effect. I'm saving you work. You're not saving me work by going do-do-do-do. It's my phone. I'm calling Clyde McFatter, the patron saint of Silverman's Blatters. Right.

Well, Paul, just in the future when you're editing this, don't put a sound effect over it. I don't want you to. I want people to hear my fucking sound effect. Five minutes less work. I want people to hear this sound effect. All right. Okay. Can you just let me do something?

I'm going to let you do it. And I'm going to go over now to the patron saint of Silverman's Platters. Yes, it's Clive McFatter, and he should be available on the phone now. It's going through. I think he's drowning in a bath. You ready? Yes. Pick up the phone.

I'm not in. No, you're in. I'm not. You called my house number. I'm not in. I'll try a different number. I think that was his landline. Here's the mobile.

Here's his mobile. Sorry, that was his landline. Here's the mobile number. It's ringing. Oh, that cunt Eli's calling me. I don't want to pick up to him. Every time he calls up, he's asking for money. He wants me to do an intro to his stupid little podcast.

I'm not doing it. I'm Clive McFatter. I don't have to do nothing. Disregard. Beep. Yeah, we couldn't get through to Clive there. But we're going to go ahead. Yes, it's another episode of Please Enjoy the Music with Silverman's Platters.

Hooray. We haven't done it in a while, so it's nice to every now and then dip into the good old record box and pull out some lovely vinyl platter. And what do we specialise on specialising in? In? We specialise in on? I specialise on someone. No, you don't. That's the problem.

You obviously don't, unless that's someone's Keith. Right. So, we do novelties. We like novelties. We do love our novelties. Comedy, rap records. Yeah. Moog we cover. Mo. We like novelties. We do love our novelties. Comedy, rap records. Yeah. Moog we cover.

Moog we like. Moog, there's a big, the Venn diagram of records containing Moog and novelty records have got a very large, fat intersection in the middle. There's a very large, chubby intersection in the middle. There's a chubby, greasy intersection. There's a chubby overlap. So what we're going to start with today, I've got a couple, and then we've got a little deep dive into football. Is this what your radio show's like? Soho? No. No. Good. Because it'd be awful. I'm sweating now. Why are you

sweating? It's hot in here. It's not. You like it like granny house, don't you? Yeah, I do like it cosy. You like it all like, can't breathe. Yeah, I love it. Perfume going up my nose. I'm going to asphyxiate in a whole miasma of Granny perfume. Fucking miasma, here he comes. A miasma. Right, do you want to do your first record? What do you want to do?

It's like plasma in here. It's not. What do you want to do first? Let's do Fandabby Dozy. You want to do Fandabby Dozy? This is something that you've been very, very happy to talk about in the lead up to this episode. Now, this is a record by the Crankies. And indeed, Fandabby Dozy is the catchphrase of the Crankies.

It is. Now, we have covered the Crankies before on the show to give you a very potted history. Double act, husband and wife. Husband plays the grumpy host and the wife plays a naughty schoolboy. And that's the antics. They had a couple of kid shows. They had kid shows? They did lots of panto and theatre work, and they also had, famously, orgies.

Oh, they were swingers as well? That were, you weren't allowed in if your name was Bobby Davro. But they never invited Davro. Apparently Bobby Davro left a note one day saying, you never invite me, and they went, Davro, that's because of the incident. Yeah, the Davro incident, note one day saying, you never invite me. And they went, just moved on. Davro, that's because of the incident. Yeah, the Davro incident.

Whatever that was. Well, he probably, you know, tried to. Who broke my lovely vase? I don't really know. It was Davro. It was Davro. So they were swingers. I mean, that's by the by.

Which is fine. Which is fine. But, you know, the questions always arisen. Do you think, did Jeanette Cranky wear a schoolboy's uniform in bed with her husband when Push literally came to show off? I bet she did. I bet they, I would have. Yeah. Not with him, but I would have dressed up as a, you know what?

Paul, now, little question. Now, for me, the Crankies came on when I was a very impressionable child. And I kind of thought they were famous. You know when you're a kid and if someone's on telly, you just think they must be huge. Well, they were. But they weren't. They were as famous as they had any right to be. Were they as famous like Dick and Dom or some, what's the equivalent?

About the same. I mean, look, cultures change. But you've got to remember, they had multiplec and itv kids shows in those you know afternoon they did didn't they they seem to be on a lot there wasn't just one format they did more than one they did like live one tours they were obviously royal variety performance bollocks and they do pantos they obviously had a sustainable career that i'm pretty sure they still do today yes but it's they're very much of that variety type act it's like an act isn't it it's a you wouldn't really get acts like this these days

unless they were postmodern ironic meta. Yeah, that was the joke, sort of. Jeanette Cranky's a naughty schoolboy and the husband played the, oh, you're always getting in the way of my plans. Yeah, but they must have been developed live on the road before they got on TV. Yeah, because that's how the job went.

You know, you spent 20, 10 years. But that's what I mean. There's something very old school about it. There's something very sort of end of an era about them. You didn't get their like really after them. No, because you think of was you spent that's what i mean there's something very old school about it there's something very sort of end of an era about them you didn't get there like really after them no because you think of the acts like that as i said you got like brothers maybe chuckle brothers before the last of its kind but they're in that same sort of ilk the chuckle brothers aren't i would say cut above though chuckle brothers oh yeah definitely yeah yeah there's something really endearing about them there's some good good routines well that that's the thing they really

did know how to do the silent comedy stuff, and that went a long way. To you, to me. It went a long way to keeping them relevant in many respects because they kind of existed in their own world. Slapstick is timeless, isn't it, if it's done well? Whereas this, the crankies haven't fared so well. But I thought it was a boy because I was a child.

Of course you did, because that was the conceit. And it worked because she was quite a small lady, so she could get away and play in the school board. Boyish looks, I guess, as well. But he's just like a sort of men's club. The photo,

which you can see photos, everybody, of the website, thecheapshotofco.uk, of the cover art. Another reason I've snatched this up when I found it in a charity shop, Paul,

is that it has the original picture sleeve, which is nice, on this seven-inch single. Just a quick one last note is that it suddenly dawned on me that their routine is no real different between that and a ventriloquist act. That's essentially what it is.

Isn't it? When you think about it, you can easily imagine sitting on the leg, oh, it's Fanta Bittasi. Yeah, totally. And they get into an argument. Jimmy Cranky is essentially a puppet. Yeah, a naughty puppet. The character of a puppet.

An anarchy-causing poltergeist. So their act really has its roots in that old-school variety, working men's club, music hall. End of the pier, almost, yeah. End of the pier, all of that. It's redolent of that. But it's also got a kind of creepiness to it. It's creepy because if you know how that particular...

If you know their swingers. If you know they're swingers. If you know how the meat is made, so to speak, then it's like, oh... The meat is made. Not the meat is made. No, not the meat is made. Hello! I'm the meat is made.

Oh, God. I've come to clean your meat is. Give it a little swab then. Here we go. I've got a little Q-tip. Oh, floss it good. Oh, it's barking at me like a little goldfish. Oh, my God.

Barking like a goldfish. I'm just going to clean its little mouth. Oh, it's barking at me like a little goldfish. Oh, my God. Barking like a goldfish. I'm just going to clean its little mouth. Oh, he's a good little boy. Oh, he's a lovely little boy. You've really disgusted me with her. I'm just going to put some lovely, lovely powder on it. Hello. What is your first name, Metis Mate?

Well, it's a strange name from the old country. What is it, please? Sticky. You're fired, Sticky Maid. No, Sticky Metis. Sticky Metis Maid. I've made some Sticky Metises too in my time. Lovely Sticky Metis Maid.

Goodbye, everyone. Let's have fun. Bye. Bye. Forever. It's nice to have a clean Metis, though. Terrible character. So, let's play the track, shall we?

Play the track. So so here is the song that they released and we'll go into it after you hear the little bit of fan dabby dozy Right. Right, so when was that released? 81. Was it their first hit? Because they did another one where it's like the Cranky's in Majorca or something like that. I have no clue. Hang on, let me have a little...

I should have done a bit of research. Discography. There we go. They've got several records. It's on Discogs Ian and Jeanette Tough Or Toe

Tough T-O-U-G-H Their name is spelled Tough Tough That's how you spell tough Yeah Ian and Jeanette

Have been in show business For 35 years Headlining every major theatre In the UK Playing every town in Australia From Perth to Darwin Oh they're big in Australia They're also good on

Cruise line work For Cunard and the QE2 And Sun Cruisers Yeah yeah yeah If you remember the 80s You'll remember the Cranky Some Cracker Jack They were on Cracker Jack That's it They're big in the Australia. They're all so good on cruise line work for Cunard and the QE2 and Sun Cruisers. If you remember the 80s, you'll remember the Crankies from Cracker Jack. They were on Cracker Jack. That's it.

That was probably the big one for them. Just give me a little summary of what Cracker Jack actually was. Kids TV show where kids won prizes. It was a variety show as well because they'd have acts on like the Crankies. A bit of variety, a bit of Double Dare type gameplay, memory games. They had Orville on that. Maybe. The 80s version might have. So, oh, okay.

It wasn't their first hit. Their first hit was called Where's Me Mum? from 1975. Wow. And then they had another one called Charlie Brown in 79.

I have to locate these. Van Dabby Dozie released on Monaco in 81. Yeah. Jimmy's Gang, Hubba Dubba Doobie. Hubba Dubba Doobie? It was in 82

We're Going to Spain is the one I was thinking of 82 The Cranky Rock and Hand in Hand at Christmas wow they did a Christmas one yeah they did a few albums

there's a rich seam of novelty ones three albums as well what so The Two Sides of the Crankies which is an LP The Fan Dabby Dozy which is the album

that single comes from and then The Crankies Go to Hollywood not Frankie Goes to Hollywood The Crankies go to Hollywood. Not Frankie goes to Hollywood. The Crankies go. Which, fair play, good gag. But you know what? I never see their LPs in charity shops.

So I'm going to keep my eye out for all these other ones that preceded this. Just because Fandabi Dozie is like what they say. It was their catchphrase, wasn't it? Like I Carumba. Jimmy Cranky. Yeah, exactly. Bart Simpson before Bart Simpson.

It's like Eat My Shorts or I Carumba, yeah. Jimmy Cranky. Yeah, exactly. Bart Simpson before Bart Simpson. It's like eat my shorts or Icarumba. Yeah. It's kind of weird how that's true and he's Homer Simpson. In fact, that's exactly the kind of... The dynamic. Weirdly, isn't it? Yes. Why I order dough.

Basically, yeah. You're stupid. You're a stupid boy. It's always like, as well, the other thing that wouldn't fly today is the fact that he's sort of always threatening violence towards Jimmy. I guess. But he's a naughty boy. No, but on the B side of this... It's about how maybe he's a naughty boy. No, but on the B side of this.

It's about how maybe he's a naughty boy. No, he gets a clip around. He gets beaten. Yeah. Explicitly in the lyric. Let's go backtrack. Do you actually like that song? What, this song? For what it is.

For what it is. Do you think it's good? I just wanted to say, I assumed this was their only one because it is their most famous thing. It's the thing they used to say. But they waited six years before they released a single with the thing they yeah that they always say strangely but then maybe they didn't have that catchphrase until they became popular on tv so no you just don't know it might have come up later the catchphrase yeah before we know the first album was like stuff from when they were touring you know when they were big on tours but they had all the albums they sold in the boot of their car

are we definitely keeping an eye open for the other ones especially the christmas one is monica a well-known label i'm assuming because this was distributed by pie that it's a smallish label and i bet it's scottish well you'd think so with it being the crankies yeah i'm assuming it's like a small scottish label i'm gonna have a look yeah have a look uh monarch record uk label 79 to 83 okay they released acts for fucking hell Twice Shy Richard Quinn Jackie Linton

Daryl Reed The Royals The Crankies might be their biggest name it sounds like they are doesn't it Ricky Dean god I don't know

and The Sun Folk never heard of them it's a very small label because this is only their 21st release how do you know it says Monarch 21 it's the

oh fair enough index code. See, okay, I quite like that track. It's quite good for what it is. Basically, they are trying to jump on the disco novelty train,

aren't they? No, it's glam, isn't it? Yes, no, but it's glam disco. What is glam disco? Is Slade glam disco? Sort of. It's the sort of

more popular glam. Imagine glam with the stomping. Yeah. Rumore is like glam disco. You know that tune, that's true we just play a little bit of that for them oh we we've had we've had no excuse to play rumore let's just play a bit of that we both love it i think it's a bit glam isn't it it's a little bit disco have a little bit of this just as a nice palette cleanser Musica Rumore, rumore Non mi sento sicura, sicura, sicura mai Io stasera vorrei tornare indietro con il tempo

E ritornare al tempo che c'eri tu Per abbracciarti e non pensarci più su Ma ritornare, ritornare perché Quando ho deciso che facevo da me Cuore, batti il cuore This is a same kind of stomp. Yes. So it's a disco. But the other reason I say that they're trying to jump on the disco thing

is because they explicitly mention it in the lyrics. Yes. Oh, I'm into disco or whatever. Oh, I guess so but isn't it one of those instances like when a comedian does a rap song

and they don't quite understand rap and it just sounds like that exactly what I was going to say but it's not rap if you put out

enough novelty records in that time period one of them's going to be a disco okay I guess pastiche or a disco because like we've discussed before

it was so they're kind of confusing genres disco was everywhere it was omnipresent and by 81 it's already at this sort of tail end

where it's just so saturated that everyone's sick of it so it's glitter more like this then Gary Glitter no Glitter's years before again

no but that's what I'm saying this kind of feels a little bit outdated by 81 it totally is yeah that's what I'm saying

but it's well produced it sounds great out of all the novelty songs I've heard by acts like that I don't hate that one no I was actually smiling most of the way through.

It's got a sense of humour. It's got a bit of a groove. It's got a bit of a groove in it. It's not the worst thing ever, no. It's nicely put together. It's like the guitar sounds nice. It's got that, what was it, the vocoder or the something in the... It's got that spank box.

Not spank box. It's not a spank box. I don't know why you keep calling it a spank box. Because I've got a spank box. You don't have a spank box. I've got a big square spank box. You have a sad dick. I've got a square spank box that I't have a spank box. I've got a big square spank box. You have a sad dick. I've got a square spank box that I place my nubbin in.

Yeah, do you? And for what end? For popping. For popping what? Popping my nubbin out. Right, popping nubbin out of your spank box. You get the spank side of the box. This is nonsense.

Absolute fucking word salad. Give the box a shake. Yeah. Oh, is the spanker in there? He is. And the nubbin? He is. Just ask me about it later.

Right. Where is the fucking record? Because I want to talk about the B-side. The B-side? Is it on the actual machine? Can you open it for me, please? So, yeah,

what is the B-side again? The B-side is Wee Jimmy Cranky. So it's a little origin story for Wee. He's at school. And it's a little bit kind of nursery rhyme,

folky almost, kind of... Not as strong as the A-side. Wee Jimmy Crank at school. And it's a little bit kind of nursery rhyme, folky almost, kind of, da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na. Not as strong as the A side. Wee Jimmy Cranky's the B side. It goes up at the end like a lot of these records do. Yeah,

right up my arse. You know when it goes up, it goes up one key at the end. Yeah. God, they love it. Key change. I believe the Common Parlance.

But at least they did a different song. They didn't just slap the instrumental. This is, I walked away. I'm actually a bit disappointed I don't have the instrumental

of Fandabi Dozi. Fandabi Dozi, Fandabi Dozi, song they didn't just slap the instrumental this is i'm actually a bit disappointed i don't have the instrumental of uh the fandabby dozy fandabby dozy fandabby dozy sticking up oi oi it's very familiar yes very familiar how many platters is it a platter you know what it is it's a platter for me not a splatter that's how we judge things it's not it's not a it's not a hateful it seems to be a record that's actually come from a live culture of them working. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's not just a sort of cash-in.

It's like what they do for a living. It's definitely a cash-in, but it's a cash-in done with a little bit of effort. A little bit of class. A little bit more... No, I'm not going to say panache. I'm not going to use the word panache

and the crankies in the same sentence. It does have as seen on TV. So they are on a little pretend sticker on the sleeve. So they are trying to... Although it does have as seen on TV so they are on a little pretend sticker on the sleeve so they are trying to although it does sound like a great

Turkish prog band what does cranky panache racist that's not racist oh what are the Turks all their funny Turkish words

what do they have got delight call it delight I call it tooth sticky together that's right all this coming from a man who was

fucking extolling the virtues of putting a sausage up an old lady's muff. She put it there herself. You suggested it and she went along with the idea. She put it there herself. She's very disturbed. No. This woman does not exist.

This is you. She is. She's the woman off the park whose dog met nectar. She doesn't do this. This is your fantasy. Well, you can say that. I am. You need quite a rigid hot dog.

Frozen. Yeah, get it, Frank. Come on, mate. Is this how we're wrapping this segment up? We're calling it back to the sausage fanny. Yeah. Right, good. All right, so that is...

No, it's a platter from you. It's a platter from... I enjoyed it. I think it's actually harmless and quite well made. It's not hateful. It's not a hateful novelty record. It's not like a Steve Wright one. No.

No. So that's Van Derby Dozie. It's a platter for me as well. There we go. Well, in our Silverman's platter section, we continue after this commercial break. I've got to get a commercial in now. Bollocks.

You don't have to. You can just do a sound effect. After this sound effect. Jingle jangle. So, no messing about, Mr. Silverman. What's next on the docket?

La danse des canards. That's easy for you to say. On the B side, la mort comme ça. But, it's by J.J. Lionel. And, it's interesting that unless you've translated it in your head and already made the connection, I don't know if we've covered this song before properly.

We haven't, but it's a huge monster under the bed in the world of late 80s novelty ephemera. So I tell you what, let's just play the track right now. Let's just get right into it. In case you haven't guessed, you'll get it. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, for your delectation, it is Les Dames des Canards. Pour que tout le monde se marre, remuez du popotin On s'encoint, coint, à présent claquez du bec En secouant vos plumes avec, avec beaucoup plus d'entrain Et des coins, coins, allez mettez-en un coup On s'amuse comme des pifous, maintenant pliez les genoux

Redressez-vous, tournez-se à la fin d'heure En dessous, dessous Comme des girouettes C'est super chouette C'est extra fou C'est la danse des canards Les gamins comme les loupards Ont dansé ce gué refrain

Dans tous les coins Ne soyez pas en retard Car la danse des canards C'est le tube de demain Croin, croin, croin, croin Il suffit de fermer son bec En mettant ses plumes au sec Pliez les genoux, c'est bien Et faites croin, croin Ça y est, vous avez compris Yes, it's better known on these shores, Paul, as the Birdie song. Yes, and you said it was the original, but when we did a little bit of research...

I assumed it was the original because I knew... What it is, Paul, it's a traditional tune that they used to do at the Can-Can at Le Moulin Rouge or whatever, isn't it? Well, should we do the history of it? It's that, isn't it? It's not that, is it? Let me tell you the history of it. Because on the Wikipedia, it's listed as the Chicken Dance for whatever reason these are ducks canard is duck yeah so the chicken dance also known as the bird song the birdie song the bird dance or the chicken song is an umpire song it's an associated

fad dance which is not a dance that's just a weird term that you don't hear used no but it's now a contemporary dance throughout the western world the song was composed by accordion player verna thomas from devos switzerland in the 50s right then it goes into about talks about the description of the scene where it's like it's a it's a cut time c major dominant chord thing it's like we don't need to know about that but the name of the original swiss song was called the entendance the duck dance the duck dance right it is rumored to be a drinking song, originally sung at Oktoberfest sometime in the late 1970s. The song was acquired by the name Vogeltanz or the bird dance or Vogeltanz, little bird dance or birdie dance. Although these names never really seriously caught on in Germany.

But if you buy sheet music, it's called the dance to the little bird. So it's like a tune that's out there. It's not associated with any one particular recording. It's almost become a folk song in some respects. Yes, it's a sort of modern folk song, but it's got that... It's not... No, it's got...

Didn't they have like, put it on your head over there and my head is over here and I put it on your head over there. No. Is it coming up head over there is it coming up around here is it coming around yeah all right good that's the thing about that song you can't just layer anything anything on it anything now my personal that was done by a group that was made up obviously called the tweets in the uk in 1980 that reminds of, do you know what it reminds me of? Another behemoth of the novelty scene,

popcorn. But popcorn is more... But it was recorded, different people in different parts of Europe. All recorded popcorn. Just like this. And brought out their own versions of it. Because I've got that French version

with lyrics on it and there's different variants. Yeah, we've covered... And the Italian version I've got as well. We've covered popcorn in the past and yeah, there are've covered them. And the Italian version I've got as well. We've covered Popcorn in the past, and yeah, there are multiple iterations of it. The Italian version, the B-side, is actually that song that was at the end of last year's Quest episode.

Oh, yes, it was. You're right. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. I use that. It's the case in Synthetic Sister No. 9, is it? Yeah. Yeah. So in 63, Werner Thomas played the song in restaurants and hotels,

and during one of the performances, a Belgian producer by the name of Louis van Rijnemannant heard the song. Then they had some lyrics created and in 70 released it into the public through his company called Intervox Music, which is interesting. Intervox now manages the public's rights around the world for this track in the UK, which is known as Valentine Music, US September Music and Benelux Music in the Netherlands. What's the producer called that you said who bought it? Van Rimanant. Oh, yeah. He's not listed on this version.

Not on that version, because it goes into a few different versions of it. Yeah, there's loads of them, aren't there? In the 80s, a Dutch band called Die Elektronikas released an instrumental version called Die Vogeljetsendans. I have seen that, and I'm going to pick it up because that's the sort of most moogie version. And it was a success.

Yeah. It was in the charts for seven months which is fucking a huge hit back then. And then we get to our version which is French Don Les Canards.

LL. When it became known as J.J. Lionel. The Song of the Little Birds or whatever. The Dance des Canards. The duck dance. Apparently there are

140 versions of it that have been recorded worldwide. Do you know what I mean? Including ones that have canards, the duck dance. Apparently there are 140 versions of it that have been recorded worldwide. Do you know what I mean? Including ones that have been released by the Disney company, meaning they've sold on this version of the song, well the song itself worldwide, has sold 40 million copies. So it must be up there in the sort of teens of the biggest

money making songs of all time. Yeah. It was released in 81 at the Tulsa Oktoberfest where it became a staple since then, although it was known as the chicken dance in that instance it's been used in loads of things chart success this is where we get to what I think we all recognize in the UK in 81 Henry Hadaway produced a version of the song called the chicken dance and released in the United Kingdom as an instrumental novelty tune called the birdie song by the tweets yeah but then everyone used to make up their own little I think it really caught on then because people made, it was like a dance

you did. Put your hand on your hips. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And you swivel your little arse around. Then you put a feather in it and you put a feather up it and you've got a meter's waggle stick. No, there's not, there's not. And you've got it in your bum. And you sniff the end of the feather, mate. So it got to number two of the singles charts at 81.

And that makes it the most popular version in existence. The British version. It is, by record sales, the most popular version. That's what I was going to say, Paul, about my personal recollection. It was huge. It was everyone. It was just everywhere. If you went to Butland, it would be played with the kids' party thing.

If you were at a family family disco dad's 40th you know anything grand's 70 the only equivalent again i know we pick it up a lot but it's gang gang style isn't it really today yeah maybe sort of it's ubiquity for a whole sort of year but gangnam style doesn't work in the same way as this or superman or do the conga you know songs where there's like a kind of unified understanding between everyone in the room silently that soon that song kicks in they know exactly what dance moves to do yes but this does that's what i mean because it had its own dance put your hand over there with a little bit of this and a little bit of that shake yeah everyone liked to shake your bum bit didn't

they because you can stick your bum out and go oh i do like my bum actually. Barry's looking at it. Usually I say talk into the mic, but at this point talk far away from the mic. I'm just saying, I'm having a little trip down memory lane, Paul. Alternative lyrics apparently are I don't want to be a chicken, I don't want to be a duck, so I shake my butt.

Quack, quack, quack, quack. I've never heard that before. In 1990, Dutch band Grandmaster Chicken and DJ Duck released it as Check Out the Chicken, which peaked at number 16 in Australia.

I need to hear that. It's fucking mental. And here's the other thing. So in the UK, we've got those lyrics with a little bit of this and a little bit, which is dumb as fuck

because the song doesn't have lyrics in, does it? Well, this version does. Well, this is what I'm going to get to. The Dance of the Ducks, and it's the Dance of the Ducks, and they say... What's it called again?

The Dance Des Canards. Okay, so in the UK, it's... And a little bit of that, and you shake your bum, and then sniff the feather. Sniff the feather and dirty meters. Yeah. Right. Whereas... I've got a waxy, waxy wax.

The lyrics... Please stop. Sorry, I can't help myself paul every now and then i should help myself never help sometimes i do help myself yeah to myself you know what i mean help yourself to the salads yeah well there we've lost them make yourself at home, Elo. At home. In the UK, it's a little bit of this, a little bit of that, right? A bit nonsensical that I think we've all come up with. And then stick out your bum, basically.

In France, the lyrics to this song are, It is the dance of the ducks that out of the pond will shake the lower back. The lower back? Well, it's the bad translation. It probably works better in its native tongue. Shake your ass! And make quacks, make little ducks,

and everybody laughs. Do they? Steer the butt, making quack. Now slam the big shaking feathers with your bum. La la la la. With much more enthusiasm

and make quack. Put it in your shot. Put it in your shot? Go put it in one shot. Ooh. We have fun like crazy. Now bend your knees, straighten up. That's the lyrics

I think But Paul No they go on Turn it's party Upside down arms As weather vanes This is super cool And extra crazy

Yeah It's the dance of the ducks The kids are like hooligans They will dance They are They will dance In every corner Don't be late for dancing ducks

They'll fucking get off of each other This is the tube tomorrow Quack quack Just close I'll get on theack. Just close the spout. Let the feathers dry. Bend your knees. It is sounding like your song. I wasn't making it up, mate.

Bend your knees is good and then quack. That's it. You understand. Please note it. I don't. This is getting abusive. Please note it's not finished

oh god we're going in the morning let's make quack right bloody hell and the lyrics continue that's out of the pond shake the lower back

do the quack slam the beak shake your feather slam the beak with quack it's the dance of the ducks this is insane and weird slam the beak

this is terrible as any it's crazy that's all put it in one shot now we have fun like crazy. Bend your knees, straighten up. Straighten up. And then I think it repeats again.

It just repeats again. Yeah, it repeats. And then kids at Hooligans, don't be late. Dance the ducks. This will be on the Tube tomorrow. I'm presuming the TV, yeah. No, it's not going to be on the TV. It may be on the TV, yeah.

The Tube, yeah. The Cafe Ray Tube. I was thinking of the 1990s Channel 4 late night show. It definitely wouldn't be on the Tube. No. It'd sneer at it on the No. Mark Lamar would turn up his pointy nose at it. He fucking really would.

Now, there is an illustration of the dance on the back of this. Another thing that attracted to me this particular version, Paul, in the charity shop

where I purchased it is because it's got a quite cartoony, cheerful little cartoon. A couple of duckies. Duckies. You can see pictures of what this looks like

on our website. Ducks are big in... What? Disco and music what disco and music in culture well yeah what's the biggest what's the biggest animal in culture in what a musical pop culture it just just the biggest thing that has ducks that has what animal was best represented by pop music not pop music only just culture famous ducks rabbits maybe as well. Yeah, but they're not birds. I'm talking about birds. Why specifically birds now? You just said animals a minute ago.

Now you're focusing on birds. No, I'm focusing on birds because sometimes it's the birdie song. Sometimes it's the chicken song. What about doves? It's never the dove song, is it? Dove. Pipes of Peace. Yeah, but you've got Donald Duck.

You've got Daffy Duck. Daffy Duck. You've got Duck Tales. Duck Tales. You've got Howard the Duck. Howard the Duck Howard the Duck The Birdie Song It's birds to be fair isn't it

Yes The Duck Dance Or the Chicken So Chicken Yeah Gary Chicken You've got Duck Soup Remember the Gary Chicken show

From the 80s There's no No there isn't Doobie Duck Doobie Duck Disco Disco Duck Yes Disco Duck Exactly

Ducks are huge aren't they There are fucking loads of ducks and stuff I think it's because duck sounds funny It's funny It's got that fricative at the end. The k. No, that's what they often say, isn't it? That words end like that are funny inherently when you say it.

For instance, if I said, show us your wobbly chicken, you'd be like, all right. That's pretty good. Show us your wobbly duck. Yeah. It's got a little bit more edge. Get your fat duck out and put it in my mouth. I want to suck your big duck.

Come on. This is funny. Can you put a hot dog in my mouth. I want to suck your big duck. Come on. This is funny. Can you put a hot dog in my duck? Yeah. I could put a hot dog bun in a dog's mouth. I'd like to stack a load of hot dogs in a swan's neck. Just to see how many it would take. Swans, you've got Swan Lake and that's it.

Yeah. And the ugly duckling. Ah. The grandfather of the duck music. Do you see what I mean? Yeah. An ugly duckling. And it's a misnomer as well. Why are you holding your nose?

I'm trying not to sneeze. Oh, okay. Okay, fair enough. I just thought you were doing like a weird Hitler impression for no reason. I was like, what was that? Is it duck? But we've ascertained, Paul, me and you just now, ducks are a huge thing. They're omnipresent.

So you can see why maybe they wanted to go with ducks with this. But I didn't realise, it is a huge thing. They're omnipresent. So you can see why maybe they wanted to go with Ducks with this. But I didn't realise it is just like popcorn. It's one of these ones that just spreads and it's all different versions. It's not one particular recording. And I always was under the...

Of course, the British one is the biggest one. But I thought this was the original. No, but I was wrong. This is kind of a trend, I guess, as well.

Because here's the other thing that reminded me of. Like Agadou, on the back of Agadou, you've got the dance moves to that remember the snowman single you had has that

which could have been the injury the snowman the hokey cokey thing which almost is very similar to the birdie song in terms of it wasn't as big a hit though it's a nursery rhyme thing

yes but what is interesting is like Agadou this is a song that has been stolen because Black Lace who we've covered have done a copy of this,

as you can easily fucking imagine. They fucking so have, haven't they? But there seems to be a trend of European novelty hits that kind of have roots in... German discos. No, more like the culture of the country it comes from, like an Umpapa or a Korda. Yes, Umpapa.

Of course, yeah. In Switzerland. And then they get hoodwinked by UK pop acts and turned into utter cheesy shit. Butlins sort of tunes. And it gets a Butlins overcoat put on it. This is so that. This is like the prime example of that into utter cheesy shit. Yeah. And it gets a Butlin's overcoat put on it. This is so that.

This is like the prime example of that, isn't it? Yeah. This is a song that was an 80s thing. I don't know if you'd Superman was nicked

from a German disco as well, wasn't it? Yeah, Agadou was stolen from a German holiday camp thing or something. They all seem to originate in that

middle Europe, sort of. But I also wonder there used to be a I think we've've covered it on Cheap Show before, like there was that Crocodile Rock thing that was for Pontons. But I think that was a song that, again, was stolen from another German or European. It just seems like there's a whole industry of music going on between. Definitely, yes. And I guess it can't exist anymore.

And the popcorn was an early example of that. Which was definitely, I think we did cover popcorn. We did, yeah. But it was a European, wasn't it, who came up with the original one and then sold it. I seem to remember, so yes. But it's fascinating. It's one of those reasons where you look at the song and you think, what a piece of shit. But when you look at it deeper, you go, oh, there's a whole thing going on here.

It's not just the tweets came up with this piece of shit. But there's been a change from these kind of records, Paul. Yeah. And then you've got halfway in between things, which I'd say are things it's blue do ba dee ba and the and the frog song yes frog what's it called slightly more what's it called rupert and the frog song no the crazy frog crazy frog it's that sort of thing isn't it it's the grandfather of that stuff yes and then but nowadays you couldn't because it's all one territory you can't have a song that they do a German version of. That doesn't seem to happen these days.

Do you see what I mean? The thing about that is, in Crazy Frog's instance, it was because that came from a ringtone, didn't it? Or something fucking stupid. So again, it's got this weird sociological thing going on where we all collectively know the Crazy Frog ringtone. And then when that gets pushed into the pop culture, the music, you kind of go, oh, that makes sense.

Because it's familiar. I'll buy it. I want to be on the joke. We haven't discussed, this is a terrible earworm, basically. Yeah, no, it's one of those earworms. Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, violent, can't it? If people go, oi, oi, oi. Glassia. Imagine they're coming for you. We're going to fucking do you in.

We're coming for your mum. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. What's your mum got done? Oi, oi, oi, oi. I'm a special place. I'll come round here. Oi, oi, oi. Here we go. Come round here.

Fuck me. Take the road less travelled sometimes, Eli. Fuck me. I have to go what? If I'm going round somewhere, I have to take a road. I know, but it just seems like... Where else are you going to go round? It just seems like most of your songs are based around the idea of getting to places.

It's like having a Tom Tom. Oh, I'd love to do the Tom Tom voice. Mate, we should get you to do a Tom Tom. Go round here. Come round here. Come round here. We'll get to the end. Go back.

Paul, I know this is a diversion, but have you seen that thing that creates British foods online? It's like an AI thing. It just makes up British foods. No. It's good anyway. Great. Thanks for that.

So that's all we want to say on the subject of Les Dents Des Canards, the dance of the ducks. I guess that's, yeah, that's all I've got. But it's interesting. And if a different version comes up, I'll be... I kind of like that version, though, because it's less obnoxious than the one the tweet's made,

which is purposely piercing. It's a piercing, horrible fucking thing. That electronic one is going to be the one. Yeah. That's probably the best one. Yeah, but that version, I think... If I get a copy of that, we'll cover that. Yeah, have a look for it.

Because I don't mind that. It's slightly proggy. It's slightly... You know what I mean? We did look at the video for the J.J. Lionel version and he looks like every single Tim and Eric character

rolled into one, doesn't he? He looks like Steve Wright and Jonathan King walked into the fly machine and came out the other side. Good, that's good. Paul,

look, have you noticed the picture on this cover is beak shaped? They've gone to that. Oh, I guess. I thought it was an eye. You're looking out

of a duck's mouth. So you're being swallowed by a duck. Yeah. It's like the Wicker Man now all of a sudden. It is thought it was an eye. You're looking out of a duck's mouth. So you're being swallowed by a duck. It's like the Wicker Man now all of a sudden. It is like the Wicker Man. You're inside and they're dancing.

They're going to set this duck on fire. It's the Wicker Duck. They put you in and then the last thing you hear is na-na-na-na-na-na-na as the flames lick around you.

Oh, Jesus Christ! God Almighty! What does he say? Jesus! Jesus! Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Say Jesus, Jesus! Oh, God! Oh, Jesus, God! That would be a horrible way to die.

What, getting burnt alive? Frowned by a load of people dressed up as ducks singing the Birdie song. It didn't make any difference. Still burning, it would hurt. I don't give a shit. No, I don't. I would. You'd think this is a lot worse.

I'm burning to death. This is a lot worse because they're dressed as ducks. Yeah, it's inappropriate. What would you like them to be dressed as? Satanists. Sataners. Yeah. Right.

Is that it? No, I just wanted to say, Paul, a lot of other records, obviously, versions of that. Yeah. And also, there's lots of other Cranky's records. So, you know, watch this space because I'll be getting, hopefully, some other Cranky's and some other versions of the Birdie song. Don't worry, listener. I'll veto every fucking one.

No, come on, mate. It's Silverman's Platter. We've done enough Cranky's on Cheap Show, I think, for now. other crankies and some other versions of the don't worry I'll veto every fucking one no come on mate we've done Silverman's Platter we've done enough crankies on Cheap Show I think one thing

you like Columbo just one one thing one thing Paul you'd make a great Columbo thank you like an annoying

little shit but he gets the job done a British Columbo yeah have you ever seen that one where the person thinks he's a tramp

what Columbo yeah I've seen them all but I don't remember that that's brilliant one of the best moments really yeah someone gives him money they think he's a vagrant yeah that's one of the early episodes that's that's like yeah i can't remember who that is i don't remember they all kind of bleed into one at some point brilliant moment that's another thing i love about him is he does look like a tramp and it's just

like yeah he's schlubby and he's well sch's well schlubby, yeah. But he's brilliant mind. Yeah, I fucking love it. Paul, the one thing... Oh, fucking please, finally end this. Is I need... Oh, a splatter or a platter. Yeah, thank you. Fuck's sake.

Just trying to keep the format tidy. I'm going to crack the whip and I'm going to say splatter for me. It's a splatter for you. Because fundamentally, I just don't like the rhythm of it. I don't like the umpire of it. It's horrible. And his version is nothing. It's got nothing. And we did... I don't mind that version. We should mention the rhythm of it. I don't like the umpire of it. It's horrible, and his version is nothing. It's got nothing.

And we did... I don't mind that version, but... We should mention the B-side. Oh, yeah, the B-side. It was fucking shit. There you go. It comes secret. What's it called?

Le mort comme ça. Which means come over here. I'll show you, mate. Come round here. Come round here, love. My nubbin's got a pumping. In his spank box I've got a throbbing nabbing

Right, we've got one more song to tackle in our special Silverman's Platter edition of Cheap Show Okay Are we going straight in? No, that's You can put a duck in popcorn. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it and cut that out.

Well, it's time for our third and final segment of this Silverman's Platter Extra Hot Edition. Hot on the finger. We're doing something next, which is reasonably well known, but I think it's slightly out of our comfort zone, so I thought it's worth talking about. I'm totally all at sea with this,

Paul. Yeah, because we don't know sports, do we? We don't know futters and we don't know ruggers. Crickers. Crickers and golfers. Volleyballers. And volleyballers and we don't know how to play... Netballers. Netballers and baskets. Lacrosses. In American soccer, Jay, and basketball.

Ixay hockey. Baseball. We don't know how to play any of those things, nor do we want to. But I came across this in a charity shop, and I was like, oh yeah, I remember that.

I wonder if it's as bad as I remember. Paul? Yeah. Did you really come across it in a charity shop? Are you lying now? Fuck me. You're lying, aren't you? No Did you really come across it in a charity shop? Are you lying now? Fuck me. You're lying, aren't you? No, I did come across it in a charity shop.

You've got a copy of that? Yeah, I just didn't bring it here. Oh, I want to get my fingers on the dirty vinyl. It's a 12-inch I've got. I've got the 12-inch one. What's on the flip? Just the dance mix. Just a dub, yeah, I believe, which is nice.

It's well put together. It's lovely. But what is it we're talking about? What is it we're talking about? Today we're talking about a song that was released... Oh, fuck, I didn't even talking about a song that was released oh fuck I didn't even think to think when it was released.

Right. 91. 1990. 89. We're talking about it was 88. Oh. So yes

we're talking about the Anfield Rap Today which was a song released by members of the Liverpool FC Football Club that's what FC stands for Paul why don't you fucking say it. Start again.

No I'll keep that in. Just say it. It's juicy. It's real. Before the 1988 FA Cup final against Wimbledon FC Football Club.

So they released it before they knew they won. Yeah. Did they win? I think they did. That was a kind of reasonably common thing

before FA Cup finals for teams to which we'll get into. Well it's like the World Cup song isn't it? Yeah. You release it you don't have to win.

It's more like advertising isn't it? Yes but I release it before, you don't have to win. It's more like advertising, isn't it? Yes, but I also think some people release novelty records after they've won. Like they go, we're the champions or whatever. Yeah, I guess, but then that's kind of like bolting the stable door before you kick the horse or something, whatever the phrase is. I don't know. No, it's not. What do you mean? Well, after the horse has bolted.

No, I'm saying why would you release a song that says we're great after you've won? So everyone buys the fucking song and everyone likes it because they're like oh it's all good my team has won i want their song where they all say yeah so yeah anyway it was released ahead ahead of the 1988 fa cup final and it got to number three in the uk singles chart and in 1988 that was a biggest dealers yes don't you think a lot of got to sell hundreds of hundreds of thousands of copies yeah so it's obviously a big hit and it got a lot of airplay because as you're about to find out, it's not that bad. As these go, and we've covered quite a few novelty wraps. Yes, we have.

On this show. Yes, we have. Very bad, some of them. What's the low point? I think the hello, hello one. Oh, yeah. Yes. God, I forgot about that. Oh, God. That was really the Hello Hello one. Oh, yeah, yes. That was on the B side.

God, I forgot about that. Oh, God. That was really bad, that one. And also, Steve Wright comes up a lot. I'm sure he did one or two. I'm sure he bloody did something. Was the Arnie one a rap? Yeah.

Either way. No, but that was Mr. Angry. It was the Angry rap, wasn't it? Mr. Angry. Either way. Just don't do it. But in this case it actually turned out all right so without any further ado here is if you've never heard it

before a short bite of liverpool fc's anfield rap liverpool fc is hard as hell united tottenham arsenal watch my lips and i will spell because they don't just play but they can rap as well. Liverpool FC. Liverpool FC. My idea was to build Liverpool into a bastion of invincibility in all of it. Liverpool FC. Liverpool FC. Paul Young had that idea. He would conquer the bloody world. Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart. conquer the bloody world. What's that first lyric?

What? How Barnes comes in. What's the... Liverpool FC as hard as hell. Which is run DMC. He nicks that off run DMC, doesn't he? Yes. Well, the song was written by Paul Gainford,

Liverpool midfielder Craig Johnson, rapper Derek B, and Mary Biker from Gay Bikers on Acid. Derek B is a bad young brother. You remember that? No. Oh, yeah. Derek um is a bad young brother you remember that no oh yeah derrick b is a bad young brother was that a big hit big he's one of the um is he a british rapper very early british rappers he died a few years ago actually uh the style of the song is a parody of a number of hip-hop tracks notably the intro from ll cool j's rock the bells and sorry that's

yeah it wasn't run dmc And Eric B and Rakim's... L Cool J is hard as hell. That's how it used to go. I thought it was DMC. Fuck, shit. Also, steals from Eric B and Rakim's I Know You Got Soul. Yes. Which is the opening drum roll from Funkadelic's You'll Like It Too.

I did not know that. The song also features the guitar riff from Twist and Shout by the Beatles, who hail from Liverpool, obviously. That ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. So, look, it's not like I like football or supported Liverpool, but I do remember that song being huge. Well, it's got good samples. It's got good mix. Do you know what I mean?

It's very well produced. And it's quite amusing. And also, there's a sort of joy coming out of, you know, it's like that sort of, they're having fun. Yeah, it knows it's stupid. It knows it's taking the piss out of, like, the accent. Because one of the big themes of the song is, no one speaks like us, so we're special. Yes.

You know, Groblas from South Africa. Yeah. And Barnsies from Jamaica. Yeah. And who was that guy that you laughed at who's from the South? He was like, what's going on here? Come round here. Come from Jamaica. Yeah. And who was that guy that you laughed at who was from the south? He was like, he was from London, yeah. What's going on here? Come round here.

Come round here. Yeah, it's got those moments when you've got like, you know, the London guy has a bar or whatever, it's very good.

Yeah. But Barnsley characterised the carry at all, doesn't it? Barnsley, I think, actually fancied himself. Didn't he have an actual sort of legit

sort of pop rap release? I don't know. I believe he did. We'll look into that a bit later, because right now I've got like seven windows open on my phone. So we'll maybe dip into that a little bit later. No, make a little note of that. No, I'll keep it in my head notes.

You keep it in your head notes. Fucking hell. I've got my head notes. In your flab-a-facts. That suggests I keep it in my stomach. All right, and then your phyla flaps. What's that? That's a phyloflaps What's that? That's a phyloflaps It's like a very elderly lady

Perhaps Grumpy Sessions' old mum Very powdery Lots of leaves Leaves of fanny A phyloflaps A phyloflaps is a book of fannies That's what I mean I just wanted to get there quicker

Okay So I think When all's said and done This might be The best Football released pop single Could well be

I prefer it to What's in the In the running In the pantheon Well let's get through it Because My first question after hearing this Was like

This is a thing in the UK Teams would team up with um pop stars pop stars or just release songs ahead of their cup final match yes to kind of promote it or whatever now i'm thinking of world this is like the start of a trend that peaked in the late 80s early 90s yeah but this is like 88 yeah i think it peaked with 93 footballs coming, early 90s. Yeah, but this is like 88. Yeah. But I think it peaked with 93 footballs coming home, was it? Well, when we get on, yeah, we can get to four Lions in a minute. And also, Love's got the world in

motion. Yeah. World in motion, yeah. Which was for another World Cup thing. But I wanted to know where this all started, because I was like, what was the whole trend about UK football teams releasing pop songs? So I was like, who did the first one? And apparently, according to the Liverpool Echo, liverpoolecho.co.uk,

there's a title here that says, How Everton, the other football club, the Blues. Who did you support? Who did your dad support? My dad was a Liverpool fan. So here's the article. How Everton led the way with the first football pop song. In 1963, league champions celebrated in a very unique way.

So the Toffees, which is what they're known as, were the first team to wear shirt numbers, the first team to lift the league championship trophy, and the first team to win the European Cup on penalty shootouts. The first team to play 100 seasons of top flight football, and many, many more. Yeah, all right, Everton did all right. Fucking hell.

But there's one that they can add to their list, which is quite unique. In 1963, they released the first ever football pop song by Everton. 63. The disc was cut here in Liverpool at the Percy Phillips Historic Kensington Studios. In 1970, the England football team topped the charts

with Back Home, while two years later, Chelsea enjoyed a number five hit with the catchy Blue is the Colour, the same year Everton recorded their enduring club anthem Forever Everton, which came later. Which is in the 70s. Yeah. So already there was a trend of football teams getting on that. It's one of the things.

You go to a charity shop and you start flicking through the sevens. You will see some. You get a lot of bump. You will see a lot. Football-based bump. And actually, when you go to some secondhand record shops,, they'll have, like, Mitellanius, and they'll be in there. Or they might even have football-related as a subsection. They're so numerous, these records, you know?

Yeah, and it's such a weird phenomenon because they're so ephemeral. They're designed to be popular for a few weeks. Well, they celebrate a moment, don't they? Yeah. Well, they celebrate a certain game. It's like the musical equivalent of, like, a kind of, I don't know, a commemorative plate or a stamp. Absolutely, yeah.

Weirdly. So Henry Cattick's side, which I presume was the manager of Everton at the time, had just won the league championship, and the Mersey beat phenomenon was sweeping the world, and Everton's title winners dropped into Percy Phillips' iconic shoes in Kensington. So this was made after the win. 63, yeah. Yeah.

Percy's grandson Peter explained it was Britain's ever first pop song for a football team. The side A was called Everton, but it was E-V-E-R-T-O-N and the B side featured a version of Men With Harlech with the alternate word for Everton for me. What? Say that again. There's a song called Men

With Harlech. Harlech? H-A-R-L-E-C-H. Harlech. I don't know. John Dunbar was a soloist on the track with a drummer and the entire first team squad. Everyone was name-checked on the record. Percy Studios was the venue also known for the first ever recording cut by the Quarrymen,

later to be renamed Levitas. Of course. Billy Fury and Ken Dodd also. A very famous studio. Billy Fury and Ken also recorded there. Johnny studio Billy Fury and Ken Dodd also recorded there Johnny Guitar and Paul Murphy's She Got It

was cut there in 1957 a lot of Parlophone ones yeah Ken Dodd's on Parlophone as were the Beatles

but that's kind of it in a nutshell so then off the back of that and the success it obviously had other teams started releasing them

I think everyone in the top flight must have done it well we've briefly mentioned it but Chas and Dave you get World Cup songs you start

getting World Cup songs well yeah first of all Chas and Dave dave cup songs you start getting world cup songs well yeah first of all chas and dave they did a bunch like a fucking world of who were their team tottenham oxford tottenham of course so there's a lot of songs like they're all well this is the interesting thing which we're going to get into these are pop songs but what unifies them all is that there's a chanting element so burly men can sing them without feeling like they're singing a girly thing. Also, they can sing them on the terraces. And that's it. Four Lines is the best example of a pop song that hit the cultural trend of Britpop, but also managed to have the perfect chant built in.

Did it have Blur members in it? No, it was Lightning Seeds. Oh, yeah. Lightning Seeds. The Lightning Seeds. Comedians David Baddiel and Frank Skinner. The Lightning Seeds really disappeared, didn't they? They didn't survive the era.

They were hot for that few years in the 90s. What was their big one? Oh, it's playing in my head, but I can't think of the title. Come on, sing it and I'll remember. No, no, no, no. Oh, I can't now, I've lost it. Little something? It's the voice in my head.

Is it Little Something? Life of Riley. Pure is probably the one you're thinking of. Fucking hell. I hated this. That's not the one. Yeah, it is. Come on with the intro. Boring.

I don't like those synths. Was this meant to be rock and roll? No, but this is anemic. It was mellow 90s. It's party. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. It's too party for me, Paul.

I didn't like it. I like the lightning seeds. I didn't like the Britpop thing. It just didn't sit with me. I like the Britpop thing. That was what defined me. So there you go. I know. And that's why I was't like it. I like the lightning seeds. I didn't like the Britpop thing. It just didn't sit with me. I like the Britpop thing. That was what defined me. So there you go. I know.

And that's why I was so desperately lonely throughout university. Oh. And you're a horrible human being. No, I'm not. So, you know, there's also that. I had a dream last night, again, that I was going back to university again. Why? Because that's all my anxiety dreams or all my dreams of the last couple of years have all

been arrive at university don't know where i'm staying turns out i'm staying somewhere unsafe or unclean or a combination or you know what i mean insecure in some way and it came to a head last night where it was this huge room like a gym that was full of filling filled with beds and i was like, what's this? And it's like, oh, this is our dorm. This is where we're staying. I'm like, this is a nightmare. And also had a run in with some like lecturers.

And I didn't realise they were lecturers. And I sort of said a swear or something. And I realised, oh no, he's the head of my course. And he went, I don't like you. To me. He was like evil. I don't like you. And I was like, oh shit, he's my teacher. He's was like evil i don't like you and i was like oh shit he's my teacher he's gonna mark me where am i staying oh in this huge gym do you know what i mean though

it's nasty that feeling of being at university is horrible. Yeah. The interesting thing here is, I'm going to move on from that. I was looking into the pop single one, but that's not the first football song written for a team song. The Everton one? Yeah. So, strictly speaking, the very first song written for a football team by a popular music person. It was pre-pop era?

It was Edward Elgar. Yes. Edward Elgar was a massive fan of Wolverhampton Wanderers. Really? In 1898, he wrote a song called, I think it's called, He Banged the Leather for Goal. Oh, yeah.

And set it to music, but it didn't apparently catch on. Although they took the song Nimrod for their own, apparently, which is that big classical piece, isn't it? Yes, I mean, music is associated with it. Yeah. But so are,

they do it in america don't they they play novelty sort of songs sort of in the break well no they do that kind of you know they play that na na na na na hey and i bet they play like it's like songs like the birdie song they don't have that in american football they don't have like chanting do they in the in the in the in the audience in the stalls not in the same way but i think they all chant along to those sort of half time songs it's always like blur a song too by blair or gary glitters do you want to be in my go that hey hey hey goodbye by steam that's called na na song it's by steam and everyone thinks it's by the beatles do they yeah i've never thought that in my life i know know, but people do. They think it's like commentators

say, yeah, that's steam, but that's Na Na song by Lennon McCartney. They say it over the air and stuff like that. Well, they're wrong.

They're totally wrong. But there is a version by the Jamaican group, the Pioneers, which is beautiful. Slowed down a bit more reggae, sounds probably really nice.

Yeah. It's more of a soul take than a reggae take. Oh, nice. But it's really, it's like, I think it's the greatest version soul take than a reggae take oh nice but it's really if you it's like

I think it's the greatest version of that really soulful so going back because it's a sad song sorry I'm talking about the steams no no no

I know I don't want to so going back to this then it's hard to break through because there's been countless ones like Arsenal

have written a load and they got released and a lot of Manchester United did Manchester United probably release it in the 70s either way they were popular but they never caught on they don't linger they just disappear because they sound like chants that like schoolyard nursery rhyme things they

kind of just nebulously fly away very ephemeral like you say because they're bound to sort of a certain team in a certain time in a certain world cup or a certain do you see what i mean but that's why i think anfieldaps that out of the crowd and goes, we're doing something different and weird and fun. Yes, but I think that was the starting point that showed people that they could do songs like, later, a few years later, like World in Motion. Yeah, and Four Lions.

Because the Four Lions is like the antithesis of it all. It's like, is that the right word, antithesis? No, the epitomous. The epitome, the epitome. Yeah. The epitome of the genre to that date. The antithesis. Yeah.omus the epitome the epitome yeah the epitome of the genre to that date antithesis yeah yeah in that case the opposite the antithesis of a football song would be um do not kick a ball in the goal no no do not pick a ball in the kick ball kick a ball i'm losing it

eli stop me quick i'll stop all right good all right so it kind of took everything and then went this is the ultimate version because you had popular comedians singing a song with a popular band at the time. And who were they? That was Frank Skinner. And Badil. And David Badil.

And it made them, didn't it? Well, it made them more rich. Even bigger. Because they were both coming off Fancy Football League, which is kind of where that crossover began, why it released, because they had a comedy TV show in the...

About football. Well, Fancy Football, which is kind of kicking off popularity at, why it released, because they had a comedy TV show in the- About football. Well, fantasy football, which is kind of kicking off popularity at the time where you built your own team based on the stats of plays spread over real football matches. And it was sort of the Premier League itself was quite new back then, wasn't it?

But also it was very open to people who didn't like football. I used to watch it all the time and I fucking couldn't stand football. What, fantasy football? Yeah. I couldn't stand football, but every week that was half hour of the week I knew I was going to have a proper laugh and I fucking couldn't stand football. What, fantasy football? Yeah. I couldn't stand football but every week,

that was half hour of the week I knew I was going to have a proper laugh. So they talk about other stuff. They went off subject. Well, I can't remember the format now but it was kind of, it hung the fantasy football stats over a framework for maybe more of a chat show thing.

Yeah. Fine. It was a laugh and that's why I think the song was a hit because that same crossover of here's a football niches thing but broad audiences like it because the comedians are good and it's clever and it's nice was the same as the song everyone likes the song because lightning seeds and it can actually sing it and it's actually half decent but and you've got the

it's got a sort of irony it has now well when we didn't win the the irony was there. Well, yeah. It's not coming home. That's the joke of the song, though, isn't it? It's that England shit. We've only won it once, but we can't let go of that. This time it's coming home. France have won it four times. Italy have won it three. But England, we've won it one time.

So therefore, we're the best at World Cup. Yeah. It's a weird logic. I think it appeals to the sort of irony, the love of irony in people. There's a little bit of that. It's definitely got its tongue in its cheek, which with comedians singing it, it helps sell the message. But there's also a kind of sadness to it in the wake of Brexit and things like that.

And it kind of just paints this Britain needs to move on because it's fucking too attached to its glory days, which apparently falls down to winning World War II, the World Cup, and I don't know, Britpop. That seems to be the thing. Not really Britpop. No, it's just, you know. A flock of seagulls. No, they were never popular. They're big in the States.

Yeah, but not here. Why are we not talking? If you're just desperate to drag things back to birds and ducks today. Have you got anything um anything else just one more thing

if you do want to go through the quagmire of all of these kind of songs and believe me they're not anywhere near as good as

four lines and bloody the other good thing landfill rap is go to a website on youtube go to a youtube channel called vinyl hell

because not only does he release a load of songs on there from like you know, Hilda Baker and bloody Arthur Mullard is what I was getting at. And all those tacky songs that we love covering here. But he has like countless fucking football team pop singles on there. Yeah. I just

don't have the stomach. No, I don't have the stomach. You hear one and you've kind of heard them all. But it's the rap. It's the fact that it's a novelty rap. I wonder how many rap ones there are. Probably not many. Is there a rap in World in Motion? I think there is.

Maybe. Barnsley's got a rap in World in Motion. Let's see if that's the best bit. John Barnes' singing career. John Barnes' rap from World in Motion. Music career. He's got a whole segment called Music Career. Right, so here we go.

To wrap this section up, here is John Bond, Liverpool football player and now, you know, well-renowned football commentator. He's a pundit. He's a pundit. He performed on Keith Allen's pen rap section

in New Order's World in Motion. Yes, I knew that was a good bit. Well caught. As well as appearing on the track Anfield Rap, obviously. He carries Anfield Rap. I mean, the actual heavy lifting of doing this sort of verse.

Apparently, Liverpool did another rap for 1996 called Pass and Move. It's the Liverpool groove. We will not be looking into that right now. World in Motion reached number one in the charts and spent 18 weeks in the top 75 in the UK. It's big. Re-releases in 2002 and 2010. Yeah, every time there's a fucking World Cup, they re-release it. Barnes has only paid a flat rate of £200 and has received no royalties.

What? Yeah. The Anfield rap reached only paid a flat rate of £200 and has received no royalties. What? Yeah. The Anfield rat reached number three. £200? Just for doing that World in Motion thing and no royalties. Mate, Team Yeti. I'd do Team Yeti. Wouldn't get out of my head for that much. Liverpool FC is hard as hell. Shut up. Anfield rat reached number three, spent

six weeks at the top 75. Pass and move still reached number four. Four weeks in the top 75 Pass and move Still reached number four Four weeks in the top 75 The rap portion of World in Motion Is the most remembered part Of the original song Becoming an iconic piece Of English football culture

In its own right Yes Familiar to subsequent generations Of England football fans Not even born In 1990 That's what I mean And that's the Anfield rap

And that's the Anfield rap You've ruined it. I have to cut this out. Right, I'll do another ending. Mate, I just traumatised myself by that moment. It's fine, it's fine. Weirdo. Right, I'll do it.

Wrap this up quick. And that, Paul, is the end of Silverman's Platters. Now, I think, just to tick the box, stop looking at me like that, like a madman. Yeah, you can tick my box, mate. Can I? Yeah, like a madman. Yeah, you can tick my box, mate. Can I? Yeah, tick it right off. Yeah.

Ticky-tocky, ticky-tocky. I got ticked off. Tick my tock off. I've put a tick down my maters and it's sucking blood out of my swollen urethra. Your tick has sucked your tock up. Is- We're mentally shutting you down, ladies and gentlemen. Anfield rap.

Is Anfield rap a platter or a splatter? It is a platter for me. And a platter for me. I think it's fun. I think it's fun. And there's funny bits. And it's a legitimate rap song. Yeah, I mean,

it's novelty rap. It's not within the pantheon of fucking LL Cool J, but what I'm saying is... That's the difficult thing. As we may have discussed before, some serious rappers will have skits

and will have comedy rap so yeah there's an overlap already with janet in the genre or who's that guy who did um that song just a friend by biz markey biz markey biz markey it's got that same kind of loose shabby but endearing rap structure sort of um do you know but some of the the origin of rap is in comedy because a lot of people talk about the sort of signifying like people like the Dolomite guy oh yeah yeah yeah

Rudy Ray Moore yeah yeah yeah exactly the poetry of that how it became so a lot of it came there's a strain of comedy within rap is all I'm saying

that has fed through to the Anfield rap weirdly enough and on that note it's time to wrap up the show yeah shall we say spoff so we can have a laugh leading into the sound effect?

Or should I just end it now? What do you mean, say spoff? You can say it. I'm not going to laugh if you say spoff. Spoff. There's nothing more boring to me. Spoff. You're laughing.

Spoff. No, you'll have to try better. Spoff. Spoff. There we go. There we go. Yay. Paul wins spoff.

Shut up. Right, it's time to wrap up this cheap show. Podcast for another weekend. What are you doing? What is that? Noodle content, Paul. I'm not time for noodle content. No, I'm sticking noodle content in.

Well, I guess it's been a record-heavy show, so all right, you can have a tiny micro noodle moment. Paul, this has been sent in. Hey, we should call it the noodle moment. Just a brief noodle moment paul this has been sent in we should call it the noodle moment just a brief noodle moment yes i'm into that all right here we go now it's time for eli's noodle moment hello everybody just gonna slip this noodle moment in before the end of the show and uh hope you enjoy it here we go paul we were sent this they're the person who sent the the quest last...

The magical mystery picnic. We had loads of Japanese snacks, remember? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the katsu, weird katsu chou. Yeah, I remember all that. I remember that quest. No, it wasn't the quest. That was just our random magical tour, wasn't it?

The magical picnic tour or whatever it was. It was a lovely time. But that person sent us a load of stuff more recently as well. Oh, yes, that's right. And this is a Korean noodle product. And it has something in common with the Creator Crisp product that we tried, and also with Salt and Shake. This is a dry noodle sack, Salt and Shake.

So literally, we thought it was a normal noodle, but apparently it's a brick of noodle that you break up and then shake a flavoring on. It's a Smasher Noodle, Paul. Smasher Noodle. The product is the Otogi Poo-Shoot. Poo-Shoot? Poo-Shoot, Poo-Shoot, Poo-Shoot twice. Smash noodle.

Green fried chicken flavour. Smash noodle Poo-Shoot! What's this? That is what it is, mate. And you smash the noodles up, and you put that in, and you give it what we call the Huffle Shuffle. The Huffle Shuffle.

And then you coat it with this. We've never called it that until right now, but we will from now on. No, I called it that last week. Oh. Create a crisp, I suppose, like a Huffle Shuffle. For science. And I like this. Right, well, shake it in.

You shake it up. And you eat it dry. You eat it dry like that. Yeah, like a bag of peanuts or something, innit? Yeah. And you put the flavour pack in. But look, it looks like a proper one that you get in a sachet of the soup base. It's a nice bit of realism to the conceit.

And it is fried chicken flavour, so it might be like the noodle equivalent. I'm giving it a crush now. He's giving it a good crushing now. A smash. Smash. Now I'm going to put the... Sauce packet flavour in. Into, and it's fried chicken flavour, so it might be a bit like the...

Well, while you do that, let me do a little bit of admin there. Right, so if you want to email the show, thecheapshowatgmail.com for anything you'd like. Half on that is sweet, garlicky nectar, man. You can go to our website, thecheapshow.co.uk, where you can see pictures and sometimes videos that accompany all of these episodes. What else? We're on Instagram, we're on Facebook. You can find us on tumblr as well if

you look for cheap show or cheap show pod and we're also on twitter at the cheap show pod i'm at paul gannon show and eli is eli snoid which is spelled e-l-i-s-n-o-i-d and let me just do one last song before we do the noodle moment um eating bit i was going to mention that you do support us on patreon me and eli would like to thank you very, very much for that. Thank you. As we head into yet another fucking horrible COVID-based lockdown. Well, we're heading out of it, hopefully. Yeah, hopefully. Eli and I have, without it, we'd have been fucked. Literally and figuratively, you have helped us immensely.

So thank you. If you'd like to support us on Patreon for as little as just a dollar to up to whatever dollars, you can go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show and donate us what you want. You get videos and podcasts and magazines and all sorts. Tears of a clown. Tears of our clowns.

So that's what you can do. Thank you very much. And I think that's all the admin for now. Eli, let's end with... I'm just giving it the half shaft. Let's end on a high. These are dry. Did we communicate to everyone?

This is not a wet noodle product. Are they normal noodles that you could on a high. These are dry. Did we communicate to everyone that this is not a wet noodle product? Are they normal noodles that you could use? Yeah. But you're not meant to. You're meant to put the powder in. Are they made differently then? No.

I think it came out of people eating them dry just off their own back. Through poverty and things. Well, you'd have to be really poor. I guess that's the point though, isn't it? You can't get any hot water. No, true.

You might eat a dry noodle. Maybe. Do you know they've got taps on Chinese trains, like boiling water taps? Just for noodles? Well, that makes sense because it's part of the culture. I think, yeah. Pour a little bit out. No, I want you to have a huff.

Oh, I'm going to have a huff. Oh, it's garlicky. It's hot and spicy. It actually smells like a noodle soup you've made. Yes, it does. Yeah, it's exactly the same. Have a little taste of those. All right.

Oh, I picked a big bit out. Has it got powder on it, though? A little bit. I can feel the crumbles. Oh, nice. Sweet. And it tastes very much like you would if you'd added the water to it. It's got that same truthfulness.

That's a good snack. Good beer snack, isn't it? Well, what a packed cheap show this has been today, Mr. Silverman. Absolutely chock-a-full. Oh, sorry. I've just got... What? No characters either.

Apart from that Miss Pissy, was it? The meter maid. Ah, meter's maid. That's a good one. You know what the horrible thing is? Right now, as I'm thinking back, I'm thinking... That was good. We did that gag four years ago.

Did we? Maybe. Oh, well. So, there you go. Listen, it's weekly podcast, Paul. It's a weekly podcast, and that's why we? Maybe. Oh, well. So there you go. Listen, it's a weekly podcast. It's a weekly podcast and that's why we're allowed to drop the quality.

See you next week, Levy and... Bye, everybody. Levy and Bentledon. Bye. Bye. Bye, everyone. See you next week.

Bye. What, you said that? Bye. Bye. Bye. you