CheapShow - Ep 215: Scragg The Cock

Episode Date: January 29, 2021

Don't worry, the title of this show makes sense, honest guv'nor! It's not what you think. Or maybe it is, we don't know how your mind works! All you need to know is that it IS said and DOES make sense in context. Now that's out of the way, let's now apologise for our Bruce Forsyth gag. Actually no, you can find that one out for yourself. Apart from all those caveats, it's a reasonably measured episode. Paul and Eli dive into a particularly chunky Price of Shite, as donated via our PO Box, and there is a roller-coaster of a Cheap Eats too. We sift through the bric-a-brac to tale tales of Beanie Babies, bubble crisps and whether Eli is now officially losing his mind. The jury is still out. See what you think, in this week's episode! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/215-scragg-the-cock If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Also, you can NOW see Eli star in "Ashens & The Polybius Heist", download it from here: https://www.watchpolybiusheist.com MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop https://www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Paul is writing a book! Want to help make it happen? https://unbound.com/books/ghosts/ Send Us Stuff CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Happy week time and welcome to Cheap Show. I'm Eli Silverman. Over there's Paul. Paul! Hello Eli, my name's Paul Gannon and I'm also on this podcast, the Cheap Show podcast, the podcast, the economy podcast, podcast for your podcast. Ears. Ears. Happy weekday. Happy weekday to you. Hello there. Now Eli, you said to me I just want to have a clean start so I can get into my groove. So do you have anything planned for our cold open or are you just going to... No, that was that. That was it. We've done it. We've done one. Yeah, mate. We have done it now. Alright. We have done one.

I didn't have anything planned. No, I thought you were going to take the... No, you said you wanted to take the lead. I did. I said happy week time. But it's awful. That's awful. Happy week time, person. Happy week time. This is a week time. And a week intro. Yeah. Here's a is a week time. And a week intro. Yeah.

Here's a cold open for you. All right. Hit me. Oh. Gubbage and flubbage. Gubbage and flubbage. Scrag. If you wanted a word.

Yeah. Scrag would be one. Scraggly flubbage. Yes. Yes. Here we go. I've become Eli week by week. Yeah, you have.

I am. No. Here's what I want to start this episode off with then. Okay. Three lions. Three lions. Three lions. Three lions.

Yes. Not four lions. It wasn't four lions. It was three lions. That was the Chris Morris film. So I'm going to say three lions, three lions, three lions. I knew I was getting confused, but when I was editing back, and every time I said four lions and I meant three,

my bummer went right up to my throat. Paul, I know it's not something that is usually much of an issue for this podcast. But I do feel the whole football song bit last week was slightly under-researched from both of us. Oh, yeah. From both of us. Because I didn't pick up on it. No. Did I?

I was like, oh, four lines. Yeah, four lines. Fucking sounds right. Fucking do it. I wanted to talk about the crankies more. And that's our problem. Welcome to Cheap Show, everyone. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse.

People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap Show. Off-brand, brand, off-brand, brand, off-brand. Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap. Cheap Show. It's the price of shite Paul Gannon Eli Silverman

Welcome to Cheap Show And I go and I nuzzle Hello, it's Cheap Show time again. Happy weekday to you. Happy time of the week to you, Paul T. Happy whatever day you decide to listen to this on. Maybe it's Friday. Maybe it's not.

Maybe it's a Wednesday. Maybe you like to sit on it for a few days. Maybe it's Thursday. I like to sit on it for a few days. What? Sit on what? Scrag. What is scrag in your horrible, dirty lexicon? It's a little bit of a cow's intestine

that's been scragged off. Scrag end. Yeah, but you keep saying scrag like I know what the word scrag implies. It implies me sitting on it. No, you can't sit on scrag. I can. For a few days. Keep it warm. Incubate it. Gets all fetid. This is going to be a really long recording

session today. I'm just feeling it. It gets all fetid. It's all fetid. And then you unzip the little membrane. Membrane. I just have to get this out. I know. The membranous egg pouch. You unzip it. The membranous egg pouch.

Membranous. Membranous. Oh, yes. But whilst we're talking nonsense, Paul. Nonsense? Yeah. While we're talking nonsense. That's actually the old English way of saying it.

Good. I'm glad. Yee nonsense. Four lions. it. Good. I'm glad. Yee nonsense. Four lions. Paul, whilst we're saying that, I learnt a new word off a YouTube video yesterday. Good. And it has an impact on, you know, certain

discussions that we have on this show. Trigenimus. Tri-T-R-I. Tri-Generous. Genimus. Genimus. What does that mean? It describes, for example, the heat of the flavour of chilli, the burning. Use it in context. The burning of chilli is a trigemimus sensation.

So what three, tri, what does that mean? I don't know. I don't know. You just come with me with this new word, then you say, I don't know. I haven't looked it up. I know the meaning of it, but I don't know the breakdown of it. Trigeminus. Genimus.

Nimus. Now it just says try jenna i think i'm gonna get a porn site jenna jenna scrag let me try again try geminus no you can't you fucking four lions let me i'll talk into your phone try gemma i'll just spell it. It'll be easier. T-R-I T-R-I G-E-E-N-N-O-U-M-O-U-S Try generous. Genimus. Made of metal eroded from the land. Oh, fuck off.

G-E-M Fuck me. T-E-R-R-I-G-E-M I can't remember. O-R-U-S O-R-U-S Not O-R-U-S. O-R-U-S, you twat.

O-R-U-S I'm going to lose a Russ. A muss, you twat. A muss. I'm going to lose my shit. There's no such word peering up there. Keep saying, do you mean tried generous? A made up material eroded from the land? No. It's a word that means, like, you know, mint is cold as well. I'm beginning to think this is shit.

And another reason why I should never learn things off YouTube. You are a liar. I'm not a liar. How dare you? You are a fat-mouthed, fuzzy-eared cunt hole. You are a chubby-necked fuckhammer. Oh, I like that. Yeah, actually, I did a bit too good.

I'll take that back. What we need now is a chubby-faced cunthammer. Here I am! Did you call me a cunthammer? Funk hammer. No. Funk hammer? Fuck hammer.

Mate, I am a funk hammer. When you get me behind the ones and twos. What does that mean? You mean the police car? On decks. On decks. On the decks. I'm going to have a go on the decks.

You're rubbing your hand on decks. I'm rubbing my hand. On decks. What? You know where I am rubbing my hand? On your... On the little crosshatch. On your nubbin.

Well, it's not the nubbin. It's the nubbin hammock. Hey, do you know what is called a nubbin? A sloth's tail. Really? Because is it pokey and nubbin? It's a little nubbly. It looks like a little nubbin. Hey, do you know what is called a nubbin? A sloth's tail. Really? Because is it pokey and nubbin? It's a little nubbly. It looks like a little nubbin.

You know what it's used for? Don't they hang from their tails? No. It's a tiny little nubbin. Some of them hang from their tails. No, they have big hands. That's what you're getting confused about. They have those big claws, don't they, that hang from.

Well, something hangs from its tail. Yeah, shit. That's the whole point. The reason why they have a nubbin on their tail. So the shit can come out. No. So they climb down after. They eat leaves for seven days

and then once a week they have a shit. Really? Yeah. Oh, imagine... It's like your diet. It's kind of. So, listen.

And they climb down from the tree the first time in a week. They use their little nubbin to dig a hole so they wiggle their bum behind them. It's a tail spade. Yes. And they use the nubbin

to dig a little hole, drop a week's worth of shit, back up the tree. There's your nubbin. Why do they make a hole? Why don't they just put it on the ground? Maybe they're, I don't know,

maybe they're like cats. There's no point in making a hole. They're like, oh, you can't see my dirty business. I must hide my dirty business. Oh, well, come on. If you were like, had to shit.

Imagine you had to shit in your flat, you know, you live with someone, you had to shit in the flat and it was like in a, what? In a box.

I'd like it. You'd like a cat box for your house. You literally go into the corner. Imagine you walked in and someone's just in the corner over a litter tray going, don't mind John. Yeah, John's just... That's John's thing. Hello, everyone.

And then you hear the scratching of all that stuff being moved. Yeah. John shits indoors. The problem is with the cat box because we've got a cat box for my cat, right? A litter box.

A litter box with a lid on and everything so he can go in there and do it in private. Oh, that's nice. Great. He has his privacy. He can do the thing.

Still doesn't stop that fucking stench though, does it? No, you need that. The minute he drops a little kitty dropling, it smells like being outside a shit kebab house.

It's just got that... Oh, poor... Grunty foot. I will say one thing. Yeah. On the hierarchy of bad smelling shit, cat has to be up there,

doesn't it? I mean, it's just destructive. It can be very tart. It's very... It's astringent. Astringent. It's astringent and acrid.

See, dog shit... Dog shit's just like... Dog shits are like, you know, like pies. They're like... Just like... Like a Frey Bentos kind of thing. I told you when I was on acid and my friend stepped in dog shit dog shit's just like dog shits are like you know like pies they're like just like like a fray bentos i told you when i was on acid and my friend um stepped in dog shit yeah and then he was

like trying to get it out and i got a big whiff of it yeah because of the uh the heightened drugs senses i was having yeah the smell was very intense and so it was the worst shit you ever smelled i felt i got i went on a journey into this dog's stomach. Like the constituents of his food were all like poking at, do you know what I mean? Marabone jelly. Bones. I had a sort of intimate sort of oceanic experience of being in the dog's digestive system.

Anyway, on Cheap Show, we talk about the things we find in charity shops. The good things that we can find. We can't fucking find anything in a charity shop these days closed at the moment isn't it although there was something I was going to do

for a later episode but I'll mention it very briefly now because I've forgotten the link but there's a website you can go to which is like an online charity shop so imagine eBay but for like charity shop type items so I need to find out

what that was called because it was really fascinating it's a weird it's a British website second hand sort of brick and brack brick and brack eBay

kind of like the Facebook marketplace but without all the fucking, horrible, definitely don't buy this off a stranger kind of marketplace they've got on there. So weird. Why is every time an image pops up from Facebook marketplace, you think, is that some kind of sex toy or kink dungeon? Do you know what I mean? Maybe when you take a picture of it, maybe clean it so I can't see your fucking spoffy, gooey deposits upon it. Yeah, dried rind. You've got a scrag rind on there. When you're trying to sell a PS1,

but it looks like the fingertips of a gardener, you know you're on a fucking bad track with its condition. It looks like the fingertips of a gardener. Yeah, you know what I mean? Like you look at a gardener's fingertips, it's all like caked in dirt and like filth within the crevices and around it.

So the surface looks like that. Yeah, I thought that was a quite beautiful image to place upon it. I was seeing this sort of giant thumb that plays games. I don't know what I was seeing. The thumb box, 3,000. Scrag, though, that's a word that could be used for something, couldn't it?

What is scrag? I ask you. Trigenomous. Scrag. Oh, there's no real official word for it. It's a surname, apparentlyomous Scrag oh there's no real official word for it now there's a few kind of obviously it's a surname apparently John Scrag

there's one called Scrag and it's of Scottish origin in a place called Peeblershire which I don't think is a real name the land of Scrogs in the barony of

Strobo Peebleshire Scrog that's what it says it's from Scrog and it's become Scrag don't worry ladies and gentlemen we'll soon get to the content of this episode oh yeah Paul I haven't asked yet what it says. It's from Scrog and it's become Scrag. Don't worry, ladies and gentlemen, we'll soon get to the content of this episode.

Oh yeah, Paul, I haven't asked yet. What? It means scrawny. Some people would say you're scraggly scrawny. And hair could be scrawny and scraggly as well.

Scraggy. So there you go. It's from a fictional land in Scotland. It's not fictional. Called the Scrogs of the Barony of Strobo Peebleshire.

What a load of bollocks. Scotland doesn't exist. Okay, that's the new conspiracy theory. Why have they been telling us it's no Scotland? It's theory. So why has everyone been telling us from birth that Scotland exists then? Because where you think the border is for Scotland

is actually like 100 miles north. Okay. And so Scotland begins in the sea. Right. And those little islands that's scotland the rest of it is owned by britain okay and they will not be leaving i see so that conspiracy theory is jumping on the bandwagon mate jumping on the bandwagon right wing nationalism right around the corner and that little bit of fun little bit of fun ladies and gentlemen so uh

one thing i do want to bring before we kick into the show is, so, four lines, three lines, yes, it was embarrassing us talking about football,

but God loves a tryout. We were both a bit out of our depth there. So we mentioned that, well, I mentioned, I think specifically, that it was a World Cup thing,

but apparently it was not. Euro 96. Yeah, so fantasy football was popular and someone on Twitter called Footy Realist, Football Realist,

got in touch to say, having heard the episode back now, it's interesting as a football person to see you two not quite spot that football's coming home. Isn't just about winning the trophy, but that Euro 96 was the first international tournament actually hosted in England since 1966. And only the second time ever. So there's obviously another reason to bring out a song to kind of capitalize on that heritage right then although the world cup in 66 there was no song there was there maybe there was no i think that's where we're coming home back home they'll be waiting for yes maybe that's for that but okay i'm about to get a tweet again this is never gonna end so then he goes on to say uh euro 96 was a transformative moment for football in england

a healing process not long after the worst of hooliganism and the tragedy of hillsborough yeah that was a few years earlier uh that song fed into what was going on with brit pop and optimism at the time so the mid-90s things can only get better new labor bullshit um and it re-established the acceptability of being a football fan so I can understand that yeah there was a there was more I'm not going to say nationalistic but more jingoistic

kind of support for that song because jingoistic's worse than nationalistic is it? yeah jingoistic refers to oh god it's given me

a clothes company called Buy Jingo what the fuck I think it was someone to do with colonialism I'll tell you right now extreme patronism especially in the form

of aggressive or warlike foreign policy policy. See, it's worse than nationalism. Okay, fair enough then. Fair enough. That's all I was trying to say, Paul. Yeah, you're trying to say one down from nationalism, which is maybe just national pride? Yeah. A more general, friendly sort of pride in the nation. Yes.

And I think people are going, oh, it could come in again, 66, 96, oh, it's exciting. It's nice, isn't it, to remember a time where there was sort of an air of optimism in the air. I wasn't optimistic at that time. No, I was fucking fucked up. You were a bit older than me, though. So you were dealing with going to uni, all that shit. Whereas I was, I think I was heading past my A-levels when that whole 96.

Because was that when Blair got voted in or was that 95 97 oh that was 97 yes so weirdly 96 97 was like it was glory years for Britain in a strange way yeah because you had like the spy skills being huge and Chris Evans and the big breakfast and things can only get better by de-reaming new labor and Tories out and yeah look where we are now yeah exactly we're back in 1984 all over again and not the book I mean the actual year yeah you're not you're not

you're not the first to mention make a comparison between now and then I can't watch anything anymore I just sort of sit around looking at YouTube videos

so that's the intro of the show done and dusted okay so let's crack on we've got a punch show what have we got coming up on the show

that's what I haven't said yet Paul nice simple show today. No fucking about. Oh, yeah. We're going to do a cheap eats and a price of shite. Cheap, cheap, cheap. You know what I mean? The old basics.

Oh, back to the old basics. Back to basics. Back to the national jingoistic cheap show pride. We own Scotland. No, we don't. Oh, it's so lovely. A little bit of politics little bit of politics

and remember if you want to go don't get political on this podcast here's something for you to make you go ah and it's this

oh it's horrible being in love when you're eight and a half I got your picture on me wall I got your name upon me scarf oh it's horrible

being in love horrible being in love when you're eight and a half. Here's your homework for next week. Figure out what the fuck that is. Is it... No. Bruce Forsythe?

No. Why would Bruce Forsythe sing about being in love when he's eight? Not when he was eight, but when he was on stage. He was probably releasing tunes when he was eight, wasn't he? This song came from the mid-80s. It was in the embryo. We heard that thing of him in the embryo. His first song was like...

What? In the womb. No, before the womb. It was in his dad's... In his dad's of him in the embryo. His first song was like... In the womb. No, before the womb. It was in his dad's balls. In his dad's nutsack. Right, what was Bruce's first track? No, in his mum's egg. Yeah.

Actually, in his egg. In the egg. It was after the sperm had gone in the egg. What made Brucey Brucey, the egg or the sperm? The sperm. Wasn't it? Yeah. The sperm'sms can you imagine

the sperm going along with his huge chin and he probably started doing a little tap dance as soon as he got on the egg dance around the egg didn't he yeah

he was a long time performer yeah he's one of the old guys he never stopped did he actually retire he stopped now he did he retired but he actually retire? Well, he stopped now. He did. He retired when he got ill

after doing Strictly for a while. And then he died two years later. Isn't it fun to imagine him as a big sperm though? Yes. Oh, my me. Have a way, dear. Marvellous.

Didn't he glue well? Nice to inseminate you. To inseminate you. Nice. It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. Oh, it's the fucking price of... It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. Oh, it's the fucking price of shite.

You cunt. You cunt. You fucked that from the word go. I had it under control. You went with something that was shit. I'm starting again. Gold. No, don't.

I don't want you to do that. It's magic, you know. Always believe in that soul. Gold, gold. Always believe. I'm doing a mega mix. It's so whole. You're the pirate.

No, you're indestructible. Always believe it. Oh, it's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. Oh, it's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking Price of Shite. Oh, it's the fucking Price of Shite. And that is right. How's that? Yay, thank you.

Yeah. Paul's bringing back his sandbox after two years, ladies and gentlemen. Old school. It is the Price of Shite time now, Paul. And that is the little game we like to play on this show where we guess the price of items and we award points and the points are known as... Petwings! They're known as Petwings, that's right, and I love to hold the Petwingeth in my

golden wingeth, as we all know. Yeah, golden wingeth, got one. Giving it a kind of show, game show. Punch this shit up. Punching it right up. Go on. So you introduce the rules and the points system. Okay, now we do have a bespoke item sent in by one of our listeners. Thank you very much. Yeah.

Thanks. I want this always. I know. I want the cap jack always, please. I know, but then I'll get a tweet saying, Paul, stop using your thing. It's horrible. And I'll be like, my showmate.

Why don't you fuck off, too? There's no such thing as fish. Go on. Fuck off. There's no such thing as fish. Go on. Fuck off. There's no such thing as fish. That's what the podcast called, isn't it, or something? Oh, right. Have we got an enemy podcast after all these years?

No, we've always got enemies. You're naming names. Everyone's an enemy. You've never named a name before. I have. My dad writes a porno we've attacked in the past. Yeah, we've attacked a lot. Okay.

Biffo's podcast about Marillion. Pooey sticky bum. No, I don't know. I've never listened to it. It's just Marillion. It's just Marillion? Yeah, why not? I mean, how much can you say about Marillion? Pooey sticky bum. No, I don't know. I've never listened to it. It's just Marillion. It's just Marillion? Yeah, why not? I mean, how much can you say

about Marillion? Well, quite a lot. I'd imagine track by track. I can say something about Marillion. Go on. They suck. Why don't you like Marillion? You don't like Marillion.

Don't try and pretend to don't know enough about Marillion to have an opinion. I'll tell you. I'll do a little. Oh, I did like Incommunicado actually.

Yeah, and what's that other one? Lavender. Kaylee. Kaylee. I've got some butter in the fridge. I'll take it out and put it on your lovely toes. I'll do a tango in Paris. Kay-lee, I've got a cabbage in the fridge. I'll take it out and shred it and shove it up your fanny.

What were we talking about, anyway? We're just doing the... Oh, yeah, point. You have gone sidebar crazy. Yes, thanks, everybody. Now people laugh because they know when to laugh because of the queue. Yes, now. I can do this when I think we're struggling. Okay.

Yeah, we are struggling. So, good. The price of shite. Yeah. Per twings mean points. What do points mean? Per twings. Thank you. do points mean? Per twings. Thank you.

Now, we will both get a chance to guess the items. I keep thinking about Bruce Forsythe. It was a sperm. It makes me giggle. I know. It came to my head. Just a big chin. A big long chin.

Bobbing up and down. Yeah. Looks like a bean sprout. It's a bit like Alien. Has anyone done his chin as the alien head? Like an upside down alien head. A xenomorph. Xenobruce.

Xenobruce versus Cronen Prawn. All right. No. Okay. None of that Cronen talk. Right. Xenobruce versus the Brad Daniels. Now I'd watch that. Right. Zeno Bruce versus the Pred Daniels.

Now, I'd watch that. That's Tarby. Whiz bit. No, that's Tarby. Mate, I think we're having a moment. We're breaking down. We've got to focus. Focus.

Focus. I'm trying to get through the fucking rules of the Price of Shite. Let's start from scratch. Start from now as if we haven't done anything. Okay. Introduce the Price of Shite. Let's start from scratch. Okay. Start from now, as if we haven't done anything. Okay. Introduce The Price of Shite without the song. We've done the song. The song's fine.

We'll move on. Okay. All right. Hello, everybody. Welcome to the part of the show we like to call The Price of Shite. It's a game. Me and Paul will take turns guessing the prices of three items and points. Actually, I believe there's four today. There's four today. I'm sorry. This just

in. There's four items today. Hang on. Don't look on that. See the prices. The prices are separate. The letter, definitely. Right, there are five items. Five items today. We will be taking turns to guess the price of five items and points in this game are known as betwings. Now, if we should get it exactly

as we say on the nose, get the price of the item exactly right, then you get two as betwings. Now, if we should get it exactly as we say on the nose, get the price of the item exactly right, then you get two whole betwings. If you get within 25p either way, you get one betwing. Wasn't that good, that

sound effect? Now, and those are the only betwings possible, Paul? Yes. There's no bonus betwings we're going to put in?

Because I don't know the scores. I can't tell you if there's any particular order or whatever. It's back to basics. This is the classic rules and we will be playing

against each other. Is there anything that can be done in a tie break if we both end up with the same amount of betwings at the end of the game?

I think we should do it on who gets closest to the original price. So if it comes down to a tie break, if it turns out that you were on average more close to the price

than I was, you win. Over all five items. Yeah. We'll take some... Mathematics. Admin. Well, that's where I hand the paper over to you.

Okay. And you, as our legal... I can do an average. Mathematician. You will therefore do... Yeah, you're our Carol Vorderman for those moments. I like it. I like it.

And I'm your Richard Whiteley. I would like to dress up as Carol Vorderman. I would like to dress in the skin of Carol Vorderman and go to charities and say, Oh, I'm very glad you're a fireman and give them a trophy

and I'm allowed to have an opinion and that opinion is Really? You like a bit of Vorderman? Oh, yeah. Really? Yeah.

Oh, dear. I was watching, what's it called? Should we just play the game? I'm just wondering if we should start the game. We've got a lot to get through. The Houtanani. Yeah.

And you see there's all people, they get celebs in the crowd. These are from previous years, obviously. They get all celebs in the crowd. And they're all sort of dancing. Yeah, to show that it's a cool party. It's really painful. Vorderman. Was she there?

Trying to boogie down, yeah. I get the impression that having Vorderman there is like? Trying to boogie down Yeah I get the impression That having Vorderman there Is like having you Really drunk flirty Ante a wedding party It's killing It's like it's

Harsh in the vibe She comes up to you And she dances real close And grinds And then all your head Is thinking is I remember when you Used to babysit me

When I was six And now it's like I can feel your wet fanny Right let's play this game. You know what's going to help there, Paul? You're going to drink more of your Korean fucking energy drink. Oh, baby. Great, good.

That means we're going to get 20 minutes of actual activity from you, and then after that, it's a massive crash. Well, should we start it now? You do whatever. I'm going to read this letter out. Read the letter, Paul. This is a Price of Shite that, once again, has come from Mark Honeyborn. If you would like to give anything to us for a Price of Shite

or anything you think would suit the show, please do send it to our PO box. Details at the end of this episode. Mark writes, Eli, Paul, happy 2021. Hello. Hello, Mark. Thanks again for helping us,

supporting us, and being an all-round lovely chap. Back with the letter. He says, we're never going to do this. No, I know. We've had more. This is like the Ronnie Corbett episode. I know.

We're just like, I'm the producer. I'm the Ronnie. I'm the producer. Ronnie. I'm the producer. Ronnie producer. My wife. He's small. Right.

Read it. Let's fucking read this. Right. Thanks for improving last year as best you could, doing what you do. Glad to help out others who have been sending you stuff for your entertainment. Small collection of Price of Shine have been able to gather together because the shop was closing before lockdown. This is... Remember, he said some stuff a while ago when he got it because his girlfriend worked in a charity shop.

It's the same. It's the same batch. Wow. So we've got five things. It's all come from the RSPCA in Hereford. Total comes to no more than £6.50. Where is Hereford? It's middle of the country, kind of close to Ludlow, that whole area.

The border of Wales, I think. Middle of England. Anyway, Hereford. It comes to no more than £6.50 with no prices using ones or two P's. So it's not like 76 or 52 P's. Or five. Yeah. Five or ten. Yeah, I think so. Prices again are sealed and taped. So once again,

I'm going to hand over the scores to our adjudicator, Mr. Eli Silverman. Okay. There you go. I have not looked at these, I promise, because these came today. These are the scores. There's a nice little bit of surgical transparent tape. You can see it's not been tampered with. Tampered with the edge. You can see the edge has not been tampered with. Because the tape

is transparent. Yes, we know. It's transparent and it feels all rough on the fingers. Great. And yes, Mark, we'll pass on that game to Biffo for digi ah what game he said that voice game where you put the headphones on the microphone and we tried it on cheap show we had to drop the whole segment because it was the it was awful absolutely like you know we did the um don't lose your cool with the stupid thing you wear on your head yeah it's worse than that same

kind of shit same hasbro piece of shit what what was on your head remember you wore it on your head and it measured your brain waves and then I had to get you angry. And it was just going off all the time regardless of statements. It was fucking shit. Yeah, it's one of those toys where it's like, crap gimmick doesn't really work. Yeah.

You give it to a charity shop. How did it get made? Weird. So, are we ready to go? I'm ready. I can feel the Pertwingeth. Phantom Pertwingeth. I'm getting a Twingeth.

Pertwingeth. Pertwingeth. Yes, yes. I'm getting a Pertwingeth. You're getting a Pingeth. Petwingeth. Petwingeth. Yes. Yes. I'm getting a petwingeth. You're getting a petwing for the petwing. Yes. Yes.

Just fucking saying that. All right. Sorry. Right. I'll do it in the order of the letter. Okay. So item number one. Item number one.

I'm ready for... Here we go. Item number one, Eli. Tell me what you see. He's handed me a small oblong red and blue box, and it has a window in it which displays the object inside, Paul. And that object is a key ring. It's an enameled key ring, and it portrays a red apple.

Red apple. With green little leaves at the top. Yes, nice touch. And written inside the circumference of the apple, best teacher. Other words, best teacher. Oh, I see,

like a polished apple. It's a thank you key ring for a teacher. So you go, I'm leaving school this year. I like Mrs. Grog's. I'm going to get this key ring that says best teacher

and she'll put it in a drawer and forget about it. Yeah. Why is she called Mrs. Grog's? It's a surname. She comes from fucking Scotland. I don't know. Right. Yeah. So it's terrible Mrs. Grogg? It's a surname. She comes from fucking Scotland. I don't know. Right.

Yeah. So it's terrible. But just because of the words, I would like it otherwise. If it was plain, I'd actually quite... It's quite a nice... I like enameled things. Badger specifically. I like enameled things as well.

Perfectly good, but a bit sort of cheesy, the whole sort of idea of it. Yeah, but if you're like a 10-year-old who's moving to a different school or class and you get that for your favourite teacher, perfectly fine. Is that secondhand or were they selling that new in the RSPCA? It's all from Charity Shop. I don't think this is an RSPCA product. It's not. For instance, this has been made in Australia.

It was made in Australia. That's unusual, isn't it? And 0-3 sad onions. Yeah, it's got the sad onions. So don't give this to a two-year-old teacher. Should one exist? Well, I bet they do. Octopus teachers exist, don't they? Octopus teachers? Yeah. What does that mean? What's that thing on Netflix? My octopus teacher. Should one exist? Well, I bet they do. Octopus teachers exist, don't they? Octopus teachers?

Yeah. What does that mean? What's that thing on Netflix? My octopus teacher. Mate, get off the internet. You're learning words that don't exist. I will come back at you with a trigenimus fucking trident. Oh, yeah. See? It's my new word. It's like

amplitude. It's going to be my new word. Like amplitude, tranche, and words that add pel... Okay, sorry. Yeah, there you go. The app has spoken. Right. So, what do you think that costs them? 75p.

75p, he says. He says. So, remember I went first this round because we're going to alternate first goes. Because you fuck that up a lot. Well, at least we've got five, so we'll get a nice two and throw. Although you'll be going first more as a result look I'm going to make a little mark

so we know okay first first first first what are you doing what's he doing I'm writing the order down so I know who gets to vote first so

you don't complain I won't complain so when you eventually lose you can't have a hissy fit that things are unfair I do tend to lose this game everybody

well you do alright apart from when you play against me Stuart Biffo, or Ash. Yes. And other guests. Or anyone. Or anyone.

But every now and then, you score big. I'm hoping today I get a lower per twings. So I'm going to say lower, and I'm going to say 60p. He's gone lower. Next item. Hand it to you. Say what you see. It is a little beanie chicken.

I didn't know they still made beanie anything. It's that company, Thai. It says here it's a baby chicken Thai beanie. It's a Thai beanie. They're beanie babies. It's not a beanie baby. It's just a beanie chicken. Well, beanie babies were just the generic name for those plush toys.

They were just called beanie babies. So they managed to exist still. Still, somehow. Because it wasn't them that was going broke. It was the people who were paying the stupid inflated prices for them. No, but even so. In collector's markets and stuff. Even so, it's a kind of mixture of the two.

Because you get so big, you make so many varieties. People buy them, but then the price comes down after a while anyway. And then you're making too much. So you're making shit you can't sell. Yeah, yeah. But they survived. What surprises me is that it was so long ago when these were popular. Because when people say, oh, you remember Beanie Babies? I was like, yeah, it was only like 10 years ago. Then they say, no, it was But they survived. What surprises me is that it was so long ago when these were popular. Because when people say, oh, you remember Beanie Babies?

I was like, yeah, it was only like 10 years ago. Then they say, no, it was the 90s. I was like, oh, fuck, it was the 90s. That's because the 90s to people like you and me, Paul, are always about 10 years ago. Yeah, that's the horrible bit. I'm so young. No, you're not. It was 25 years ago since you were relevant.

Oh. But do you remember that Red Letter Media video where they found uh the guide to beanie babies oh yeah what a video that is fascinating though because you saw how mad people were like people in america would fly to the uk to buy beanie babies from that toy shops because you couldn't get them in the uk you couldn't get them in the us yeah they purposely made them short yeah order what's the word you know like you can only get so many limited with limited suppliers of any kind of design. So that's how you get

that market to grow by making certain ones rare through not poor production but purposely restricted production of certain lines. But it's something that's in everyone's playbook these days.

There's whole companies that totally exist on that like Kid Robot for example. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All of it's about scarcity and sort of, you know. Those vinyl things. I mean, it's like Beanie Babies of today would probably be something like Funko Pops. The difference is that no one's really going online to sell a Funko Pop of fucking Thor for like £400.

I bet there are some more expensive Funko Pops that have stopped being made. Oh, yeah, no. There'll be like Comic-Con exclusives where if you go to this Comic-Con, you can only buy this Funko Pop of fucking Ghost Dad. Yeah. Well, that's not the greatest example, but you know what I mean? I don't know why Ghost Dad popped into my head. That's Bill Cosby.

Bill Cosby. Yeah, I don't know. Anyway. So it's a nice little pink... He's got a name as well. It's a little rooster. Strut the Rooster. Stroke the Rooster.

I did, thank you. Hello, I am Strut the Rooster. And this you Hello I am Stroke the rooster And this is what I do Bow bow bow bow bow bow bow He's dancing I wouldn't call it a Stroke dance That's a Stroke for you I'll show you a Stroke

You show me a Stroke with Stroke the chicken That is a Stroke I like the stride He's got to have head back He's got to have head back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Head slightly back. He's a lady's cock. Strut the cock. Scrag.

He could have been called Scrag, Let's call him Scrag the cock. Yes, let's call him that. All right. Scrag the cock. Yeah. What? You need to guess the price of that, Paul.

Ooh. Now, I'm going to say this is probably expensive because people still probably in the back of that paul oh now i'm gonna say this is probably expensive because people still probably the back of their heads think there's a value to these even this is a mini one as a little toy it's not it's it's all right isn't it condition it looks give it to your dog or something give it to your kitty cat let him knock it about all right so yeah strut the cock wonderful stuff scrag the scrag the cock oh little old scrag the cock. Right, your turn. No, it's my turn to guess this time, isn't it? Fucking hell.

I'm going to say, because people still think Thai Beanie Babies are still a thing, or they still think there's value to them. You think there's still a perceived value even? I'm going to say a quid on that. You're going to say a quid on that? He said a quid on that. I said a quid on that, so we're going to do higher or lower. They were in Happy Meals as well, that's the other thing we need to mention. Oh, yeah. Because I got one, I got a little

What recently? Rainbow Ferret. No, Rainbow Hamster. Quite nice, yeah, recently. do higher or lower they were in happy meals as well that's the other thing we need to mention because i got one i got a little um what recently rainbow ferret no rainbow hamster quite nice yeah recently okay i think someone sent it to the po box they're almost retro now i guess yeah i guess they are in the same way tamagotchis kind of yeah it has a sort of retro feel to it especially the um the logo yeah everyone remembers the little logos and stuff like that i just didn't know they named them all but that's probably another reason why they tried to make them more totally yeah i've got scragged the cock yeah but i've got fluff the cock it's basically the end of the and stuff like that. I just didn't know they named them all but that's probably another reason why they tried to make them more collectible. Totally, yeah. I've got Scrag the Cock but I've got Fluff the Cock. It's basically the end

of the era that was started with the Cabbage Patch dolls wasn't it? It's the Scrag end. Nice. So what are you going to say? More or less than a pound? I'm going to say less

just to be... I'll say... I think I want to go more. I'm going to say up for 150. 150! Up for 150 is an interesting item. I quite like this one but I don't know if I'm ever want to go more I'm going to say up for 150 150 Up for 150 It is an interesting item I quite like this one But I don't know if I'm ever going to get

Any proper practical use out of it Eli, say what you see You like a practical item, don't you? It's got a nice weight to it It's a metal item I think part of cheap show should be Yeah, these things are bought for pennies In a charity shop

But you can get some use out of them still So this is one that could be This has a little belt hook on it I'm trying to work out what it is, Paul. You'll figure it out once you open it up. I'm trying to open it up. It's hinged. Yeah.

Oh, it's a compass. It is a compass and ruler combo. I don't know quite how the ruler thing works. Yeah, look. One of the edges opens up. Oh, it does. There. It's nice, Dad.

Oh, it does. So you could go orienteering with it. I'm just going to check where north is. Where is north today? Behind me. The metaphor is complete. And there's a little stringy bit in here. What's that for? I don't know. I'm just going to check where north is. Where is north today? Behind me. The metaphor is complete. And there's a little stringy bit in here. What's that for?

I don't know. I think that's a guide. Is that like an egg slice? No. That could be a good egg slice. I think you're meant to. If you're out in the wild, you could squeeze an egg through that.

I think you're meant to line up that magnifying glass here with that line, and that tells you something about distance. Where you are. Yeah, it's got a whole thing. Distance meter. It's a meters meter. You can see your meters. You could. My meters is north. Let me have a whole thing distance meter. It's a meters meter. You can see your meters.

You could. My meters is north. Let me have a little peer through that. I mean, I don't know how that works. And I'm going to say three pounds. The whole lot is not 650. Quid? Quid 10?

Oh, God, I'm useless at this. What did you say? No, it's your go to choose first. No, it's your go to choose first. I choose last on the cock. You choose what? I went first on the cock, remember? You didn't?

You went first on. Oh, yeah, you did go first on the cock, yeah. I always go first on the cock. You choose what? I went first on the cock, remember? You went first on... Oh, yeah, you did go first on the cock, yeah. I always go first on the cock. Oh, yeah. It's not a revelation. Right, what is that line for? I'm peering into it. It doesn't seem to do anything.

There's obviously a reason for it. It's a cheese grinder. It's a meatus... It's a nice weighty item. It's a meatus teasing item. It teases open the meatus. It's a nice item, Paul. It's a bit plasticky in places.

It's got a good heft to it. It's got a heft to it, definitely. You could put it on your belt. But what? Out and about. Is it cost? So difficult to know, isn't it? Because it was 650 all in.

It's one of those things that it's like you've got a compass on your phone now. Yeah. You know what I mean? It doesn't fucking... GPS. But I guess if you're a Boy Scout and you're given a map in that, that's the purpose, it to be good at orienteering 85p 85p he says i'm gonna say go

higher lower two pound 50 yeah you're gonna go i haven't seen you've seen them all i haven't i'm only saying 250 because he's got six pound all together and so far i've only spent 160 on the first two items so this would take it up to £5. I've got two items to go. And two items left. So even if I'm over, I might make this £2. I'm correcting it to £2. £2, yeah.

Here we go. Mr. Silverman, say what you see. This is a brass model aeroplane. It's a four-prop aeroplane. It's a bomber. Oh, apparently. Oh, it's a pencil sharpener. And it's a pencil sharpener in its undercarriage. It has an undercarriage, which is a pencil sharpener. Yes. Yes. Your bomber undercarriage a pencil sharpener and it's a pencil sharpener and it's undercarriage it has an undercarriage

which is a pencil sharpener yes yes your bomber undercarriage has a sharpener I'm trying to make that rude I could have but it would have been torturous

Paul I've got it go on have you ever either A yourself or B someone else or C

seen a video of or D heard about in some way or E all the above or E all of the above someone putting. All of the above. Yeah. Someone putting a pencil sharpener in their arse and then someone bending over and then

someone actually shuffling a pencil up someone's arse. And then spitting out the pencil shavings in their mouth. What do you mean spitting it out in their mouth? Stick a pencil up their arse and shave it and the shavings come out their mouth. What do you mean come out their mouth? Because it goes through the body. It goes through the whole body. Yeah. Like in a cartoon. Yeah. You wouldn't make a cartoon.

Kids might see it. It wouldn't. Then I'd make a real one. You'd make a real one? I'd fake it. I'd take a picture. Then get this man and put loads of pencil shavings

in his mouth. Oh, it's like a magic trick. Yeah, it's like a magic trick. Roll up, roll up, ladies and gentlemen. It's like a dirty magic trick. I need someone from the audience. They come up.

I take a pencil up their arse and I fill their mouth with pencil shavings. Yeah, but they're a stooge. That's your wife or whatever, the person in the audience. No, it'll be you. I'll do that.

Yeah, but then everyone will know that we know each other. But I'd have to see my arse. Excuse me, sir. We don't know each other, but I'm about to stick a pencil up your arse and force feed you shavings.

Someone must have done it, though. That's what we're trying to say. I'm sure. And maybe use the penis. Actually, put the sharpener up there. Use the penis to pretend to crank it. To crank it. Stationary porn.

Super idea, that stationary porn. £1.75. Not that you stay still when you're having sex. £1.50. £1.50, he says, for the bomber. I was meant to go first, though, by the way. It does work as a roller longer. You were meant to go.

Well, then you tell me, and then I'll change my opinion. All right, I think that's one pound. I'll go down to 125 then. Final item is this. He's handing it to me. Say what you see. This is a corkscrew, wine opening corkscrew, and the handle is fashioned like a little wine bottle, Paul.

Like a little wine bottle. Like a little red wine bottle. It's got a little label on it with a picture of some grapes. It's a wine bottle opener. It smells funny. I wasn't sniffing this stuff, to be honest. Oh, I'm going to sniff the cock. You're going to sniff the cock?

No, come on, we need a half report on some of this shit. There's something really weird about you sniffing the side of the bottle. No, you know what it is? It's the fucking tang off this. It's made of some kind of cheap metal, the handle of this corkscrew. And it's got that coiny. Oh, I see. That brassy, coiny.

I hate that smell. I'm going to sniff the compass. Anything? Anything coming off that? Not really. Now, let me put down that and then get a good huff of the... Cock. You're going to huff the cock.

I'm going to smell this. Oh, that's really nice, that. It smells laundered. The cock smells laundered. Give it a sniff. Right. Sniff the cock. I think...

No, I'm not going to sniff the cock. Please. Tell me if that's not a nice smell. It smells fine. It's neutral. I'm going to go and guess that this is... Oh, the plane is nasty. And coiny as well.

It's that brassy, coiny smell. I'm going to say... I'm going to say 80p. What do you think the corkscrew's worth? Can I have a little summing up of how much I've spent so far? Keychain. 75p. What do you think the corkscrew is worth? Can I have a little summing up of how much I've spent so far? Keychain 75p. Cock 150. 85p

you said for the corpse? Compass. £1.25 for the bomber and you haven't given me a price yet. I would like to say 80p. I said 80p. I would like to go with you and say 80p. Okay. I said 60 I would like to go with you and say 80p. Okay.

I said 60p for the keychain, £1 for the cock, £2 for the compass, £1.50 for the bomber. Pencil sharpener bomber. Bomber. And the 80p for the thing. The corkscrew. Corkscrew. It's time. Wine bottle corkscrew.

It's time to appoint the betwingeth. Get ready to fling all the betwings. I'm ready to receive this. Well, you've got the scores. Oh, here we go. So here we go. How are you feeling, Paul? Feeling confident today?

I don't know about this. How many betwings do you think you're going to get, just as an average? If I get one, I'll be happy. I know if you get one, you'll be happy. But how many do you think you're going to get? Three. Yeah, I think I'm going to get about two. Yeah.

All right, here we go. Again, two points for being spot on, one point for being 25. Within 25p either way on any item, Paul. Yeah. All right, here we go. Again, two points for being spot on, one point for being 25. Within 25p either way on any item, Paul. Right. Very well sealed. Good. There's been no tampering, no fudging the results. I've got the tape coming off here.

This is all good. Here we go. I don't know how he's written it down there, but just read them out and I'll tell you the scores. Best teacher key ring. Right. That is the first item. How much was it? 55p. 55p, which means, oh, you said scores. Best Teacher Keyring. Right, that is the first item. How much was it? 55p.

55p, which means... Oh, you said 75. I said 60. We both get a between. We both get a between. Oh, do you want to save all the betwings for the end? Or do you want to do it as we go?

I want to save it for the end. All right, you get a big betwing onslaught at the end. Yes, that's when you appoint the betwing-eth at the end of the round-eth. A betwing-army. How many more segments

do we got to do today? Come on. Right. Next is what? Thai beanie baby chicken. It's a cock. Yes. How much was the cock?

Two pounds and 20 pence. Wow, we're both out there because I said one pound and you said 150. That's a lot of money for that. But you see what I mean about them overpricing it because they think

it has value. You should have gone with your gut there. Should have gone with your gut and gone for it yeah a bit too much maybe i was thinking the wrong thing maybe we'll find out now next what's next the compass and ruler combo yeah how much is that one pound one pound well eli gets up between i went cheap and i went too far two quid i thought that it's got some heft but you think how useless it is you know you're just getting fooled by the sort of weighty quality quality feel-ness of it, you know?

Maybe that's what I thought. I thought, you know, they priced it by weight. Yeah. It sort of has a feel of something that is of quality. Do you see what I mean? But it's obviously not. But it fooled you. Next up, the Bomber Pencil Sharpener.

Here we go. Two pounds. Fuck. We're both out. You said 125. I said 150. Two pounds. Really expensive for that. It's brass, isn 150 two pounds really expensive for that it's brass isn't it not that much of its brass it's the wheels work on it and also the um propellers

go around don't they yeah but still even looking at that objectively i would not pay more than a quid for it i'd shun it i would shun the bummer i would shun the bummer and so finally we have the corkscrew the bottle over the wine bottle corkscrew was 75 pence. Well, we both get a per-twing there because we were ATP. That was our best item, both of us, wasn't it? Eli, you got three per-twings. Oh. I?

I said I'd get three, didn't I? No, you said you'd get three. I got two. So Eli wins this week. Yes! So I'm going to give you your three per-twings right now. Slap them on me. How do you want them? Just hard and fast. Per-twing, per-twing, per-twing. Ah! So I'm going to give you your three betwings right now. Clap them on me. How do you want them?

Just hard and fast. Betwing, betwing, betwing. Ah! Yeah, babe! And Paul does not get a betwing because Paul lost. No, you do get your betwings. No, I think...

I give you consolation betwings. Otherwise... No, take my consolation betwings. No, because otherwise it takes the value away from the betwing if I just get any odd betwing. A betwing's a betwing, Paul.

We need another... There's a winner. We need another... There's a winner, there's a loser. But sometimes we play solo and you just get betwings, don't you? No we need another there's a winner we need another there's a winner there's a loser but sometimes we play solo and you just get between's don't you I think we need a loser sound

like fatata between a fatata oh no that was just Uvaru and Mugami from bloody fatata Uvaru everyone knows

it's like shooting stars week by week everyone knows fatata means what vagina no it doesn't I've never heard that yes it does

come on I've never heard it's the sound on the street. It's the word on the street. Show me your fatata. Yes. No. I hear it all the time.

Out and about. Don't be a farter. Show me your fatata. I don't know why all this week I'm wrapped up in doing fucking catchy buzzwords. I don't know what you're doing. Fucking slogans for each segment. Mate, you're losing it. I am losing it.

And we have a long day of recording to go so congratulations mr selfman you did very well oh thank you very much i think some of the prices there were surprising and not in a good way uh what were you most surprised by the beanie baby i should have guessed should have been more i got i got a point on the beanie baby didn't i no i only said one pound 50 i should have 250 Crazy. Crazy. But there you go. That's the cruel mistress, that is. The price of shite. You can't get petwings for just asking for them. No.

They must be bestowed upon you by the... You must earn your wings to get your petwings. Yes, exactly. That's how it fucking works. Right, it is time for the patented Cheap Eats section of the show. Cheepa, cheepa, cheepa, cheepa, cheepa, cheepa, cheepa, cheepa, cheepa, cheepa, cheepa, cheepa, cheepa, cheepa, cheepa, cheepa, cheepa, cheepa, cheepa, cheepa, cheepa, cheepa, cheepa, cheepa, cheepa, cheepa, cheepa, cheepa, cheepa, cheepa, cheepa, cheepa, cheepa, cheepa, cheepa, cheepa, cheepa, cheepa, cheepa-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a remember that now, don't you? There was a lot of action. I remember a dragon. I seem to remember a dragon vividly. No, that's a different episode. No, I seem to remember a dragon. That was definitely that episode. Yeah, on the train we met a dragon. I got it now.

I got it now. So we're going to do a cheap eats and we're going to also fold in, very briefly, a league of snacks, which we haven't done that in a while. We have to update the league. Chipper, chipper, chipper, chipper, chipper eats. Chipper, chipper, chipper, chipper, chipper eats. Chipper, chipper, chipper, chipper, chipper eats. Chipper you say? Chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, eats. A chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, eats. A chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa,

chippa, chippa, eats. A chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, eats. That's a trade. We got there in the end. So we're going to also fold in a league of snacks, which we haven't done in a while.

But would you like to tell everyone how we rate chips or crisps or snacks on this segment? Chips? What are you talking about? Potato chips. For our American listeners. Okay.

On the league. Excuse me for being a bit more transatlantic with my thinking. Now, the league of snacks and crisps is utterly scientific in its very core. Its essence are fundamentals of

crisp study, Paul. Yeah. And we have five unimpeachable measurement aspects by which we rate crisps and all other snacks as well. And then we find out how their ranking does in the overall league. And we have now at this stage in the league's history, we have a database.

I mean, not on hand right now that I can look at. A solid database, but we can plug the numbers in. We can add them at a later date. We can plug them in, see what comes out. We're crunching big, crisp data. Crunching. We're crunching crisp data.

I like it. Yay. High five. Oh, fuck off. So crap on the camera. Shit. Right. Right.

So, what are the five elements that we use to judge a snack? You judge the flavour, Paul. Flavour. You judge the texture, Paul. Flavour. You judge the texture, Paul. Texture. You judge how a snack feels in the mouth. The value for money, Paul. The value for money. How much bang for the buck. It's important for us

and it's important for anyone who has a serious predilection for eating crisps. Or snacks. Or snacks. Or crips. As I used to say when I was a little boy. Did you say crips? I want crips. You say apple booth crips. I want some crips, mummy. used to say when I was a little boy. Did you say crips? I want crips! You say apple booth crips! I want some crips, mummy! And she would say, back to the shed!

Accuracy. We have accuracy and nostalgia. These are the more controversial ratings. Well, the nostalgia one's quite controversial, because I think it can swing a vote. It can, and it's important. It's a bit ineffable, but it's important, and we trust ourselves to be able to tell

the nostalgic value of any crisp or snack. Today, we are adding into the hallowed league of snacks a brand that I don't know if we've done much on, but it is, what do you want?

Tell them. It is Roysters. Roysters. Roysters. Now, these are only available in multi-packs these days, aren't they? But they were a legitimate

single pack, single serving crisp. I mean, I've never, it's been a while since I'veacks these days, aren't they? But they were a legitimate single-pack, single-serving crisp. I mean, it's been a while since I've seen them in a store. I remember when they were new. Well, they were new. I looked on the site for some information. Can I guess? Go on. I think this was a 90s crisp, and I think it came out around 92.

Is that because you saw it on the paper that I wrote down? No, absolutely not. In that case, congratulations, you're spot on. It was 92, released by KP in the UK. Yes. And they called it the American-style bubble crisp. Now, here's the thing.

Yes. Bubbled chips. It says chips on the roisters. They're going for the American thing. It doesn't say crisps on them. I don't think there's anything American to them other than the branding.

They're manufactured by KP who are famous for their nuts. Yes. But they are giants in the world of snacks, aren't they? Essentially, KP. They have all sorts of things. Yes. In their nuts. Yes. But they are giants in the world of snacks, aren't they? Essentially, KP. They have all sorts of things

in their portfolio. Cashew, dry roasted. They've got other crisps we've covered. Discos or something. Discos. We need to get some discos on the show.

Haven't we done discos? No, I don't think we've done discos. We should do a discos because they come in multi-packs. So, I did a bit of research and there's not much to it other than the fact that,

yeah, KP introduced them in 92. They're styled after the American bubble chip, which to be honest, I couldn't find much evidence online for it being a thing. It's not. It's not. Because it is a style of crisp that does sort of pop up or snack rather. It's reconstituted, isn't it? So it's not an actual slice of a potato.

They get a bunch of potato slurry and then they inject that into some kind of mold. I don't know that that's true on this case. Then they bake them, don't they? This just says ribbed, flavoured bubble potato chips. Ribbed and flavoured. Ribbed for your pleasure. Oh no, I completely out of the word ribbed. You said ribbed.

I completely out of the word ribbed for no reason. The word I was meant to say was bubbled. And no one says it was bubbled for air pleasure. Yes. I remember distinctly, though, having a bit of a thing for them. When they came out, they were very new, 92. I would have been in my A-levels in North London.

And they came out. This is around the time that drifters were doing all those limited editions because they were going out of business. But we'll talk about that later with the Jammie Dodgers. What, the crisp drifters? No, the snack bar drifters were doing all those limited editions because they were going out of business but we'll talk about that later with the Jammie Dodgers what the crisp drifters no the snack bar drifters the snack bar yeah

I used to love drifters they went they disappeared at the end they had a sort of you know end of the Roman Empire decade

I remember the apple one yeah apple pie apple pie and banana they had yeah but you didn't like the banana

I liked them both I loved them both as I've said I'm not a fan of fake banana flavour so that was always going to be a no win so on the website kp it says american style bubble crisp maybe people listening in america can tell us a bit more about that uh also only sold in t-bone steak flavor now that may be the case paul and this might be another thing where you know like i i was sure that I remembered Walker's swapping the colours of salt and vinegar and cheese and onion,

but it never happened. Well, here's where... But I seem to remember there being a cheese-flavoured roister. Here's the thing. You're both right and wrong. What do you mean? So I think when they first came out,

there was other flavours. There was, yes. At some point in its history, we went, they're not doing very well. We're just going to focus on the tea bones. They dropped all the other flavours.

I'm sure that's happened before with other things. The flavour they had was chicken. I'm sure that's happened before with other things. The flavour they had was chicken. Oh. They had chicken flavoured meaty. They'd gone for meaty, because it's sort of American meaty. So look there,

if I just show you there. And they still make it, apparently. They still make the chicken. Out of stock, sorry. Oysters, bubble chips, something fried, chicken flavour. I'm sure they had others. I'm sure they tried.

I was under the impression that they were trying to be just sort of a replacement for your ordinary crisp. So I'm sure they had like cheese and onion. I'm looking they had others. I'm sure they tried. I was under the impression that they were trying to be just sort of a replacement for your ordinary crisp. So I'm sure they had like cheese and onion. I'm looking for cheese now. And salt and vinegar. Yeah, they did have cheese. Yes, thank you.

But ultimately, the only one that's really kicking around now is just the T-bone. It is this, and that is what we're going to taste and put into the league today. It might be. Well, no, maybe in Ireland, maybe they sell the different flavors, but in the UK, or maybe they don't at all. I just think they used to, and they've discontinued those other flavours. Well, this is the only one that needs to be in the league. Let's get the half in. Mmm.

Potatoey. I'm getting more potatoey. There's almost a... Okay, so do you know like fried dough? Do you know like Ollibollen, or like like a donut without any icing on it. Sorry, what was that word you said? Ollybollen. Ollybollen. If you go to Amsterdam, you get like these big balls of fried dough

that are effectively donuts without the hole in the middle. And they're not sweet? No, they add the sugar on or whatever you want to put on. Okay, so it's like a donut without the hole. Fried dough. It's got a kind of fried dough thing going on. Yeah, are you getting the beef though? Just a sort of standard beef? Not really. There's a beef underneath the potato. A tiny bit of beef underneath. It's got a kind of fried dough thing going on. Yeah. Are you getting the beef though? Just a sort of standard beef? Not really. There's a beef underneath

the potato. A tiny bit of beef underneath. Let's go. Let's go on. The beef underneath. I'm going to regard the crib a bit more.

Yeah, it does look like a disco in that it looks like it's manufactured. It's formed. It's reformed. So how do they get the bubbles in then? They just bake it.

And then it just bubbles naturally because it's a fake crisp. Like when you do with a filo pastry or whatever. You know what else it feels like? It's like there's two layers. That's what gives it the sort of crispness that is hollow on the inside.

You see what I mean? It's almost like a kind of bubbly disco. I don't know if I like the flavour. It's not there enough for me. It's not a very strong beef flavour, is it? No. There they are. They're definitely formed, though.

That was not a slice of potato. I think you're right. They look like splats. They're sort of square. Look, you've got a square edge on that one. Yeah. They're little splats. Maybe that's how they do it. They it looked like splats they're sort of square look you've got a square edge on that one yeah little splats

maybe that's how they do it they splat it out splat splat splat splat and then it goes in the oven splat splat bubble bubble splat splat bubble bubble splat splat bubble bubble slap slap bubble

punch slap slap bubble bubble slap slap crunch crunch crunch slap slap bubble bubble slap slap crunch spuff it off spuff it off

spuff it spuff it spuff it off here we go straight to spuffing Trudney Spoff we had a name he came round here just the same. He likes planes and he likes trains. Spudney Rodolph is his name.

Once again, you won me over. So here we go with the voting now. Flavour. Let's go with that one first, just because it's on the list. No, you don't like that. Is it out of 10? Yes. Good, because I fucking forgot.

It's out of 10 and decimal points are allowed. If I'm going to go out of 10, I personally am going to go with a four with that. Is that really? That's really low, Paul. Yeah, because the initial bite

has almost no flavour. Then once you get the mulchy thing going in your mouth, then you get the kind of aftertaste of the meaty beef. So it's not quite there for me. That's why I'm going to go with four. I think four's too low.

I agree with your points, but I think your scoring is too low. And I'd say it's just a standard beef flavour. I'd go with six if it helps the argument. I think... But I'm not going to go

any higher than six on that. You're not going to go higher than six? No, it's kind of a weak source. I was going to say seven, so I think that's close enough. So, yeah. You want to go with six? Yeah.

All right, six. I'm going with six for that. That's fine. I don't think it's very good. I just think that four is too unkind. Four is maybe too unkind. But I still don't think... Four is into the realm of not tasting very good.

Do you know what I mean? It's not like offensive. It's not like, oh, I don't like that. No, but I'm giving it four because, look, ultimately, I think it's a bit of a farty beef flavour as well. Yeah, it is, actually. So it's got a bit of a farty... It's a bit of a farty...

It's got a kind of anal cavity aftertaste. Okay, right. Texture. Texture. Texture's very good. I don't mind it. It's very good, the texture. I don't think the bubbles do anything. It's a sort of unique, though.

You could tell what it was without looking at it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think we're going to go, I think we should have an 8.5. Texture is what does it. I would say just 8. They're all about the texture. They are all about the texture, aren't they? Yeah, but also it's that reconditioned kind of potato thing,

which means it's kind of less honest as a snack. Yeah, it is, but the texture is good. I would say eight flat. God, he's really... Sorry, Roasters. Mate, people have complained that we're too lenient on these crisps. Oh, I... And I'm going to be a bit more Simon Cowell about it.

You're a bad cop on these crisps, Geoff. I'm going to have to be. Okay, eight, fine. Now, nostalgia. Interesting one, this, because I think it's all going to be very dependent on if you enjoyed them back in the 90s but they are they always have been a sort of side note haven't they and also ran they're like below branigans yeah they must have their lovers and they're sort of people who go oh roisters remember those enough

to still produce them they're definitely yes but they are definitely crisps that inhabit for want of a better word the sort of retro snack landscape. Well, no, what it is, is that during the 90s, like everyone started doing wacky crisps all of a sudden. So, you know, like there was the Phileas Fogg crisps that were like really expensive. Some of those were so nice. Did you have their crunchy peanuts? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mate, there was so...

Their coated peanuts. But now, their stuff is like, if you find any at all, it's all in B&M or it's all... Is there Phileas Fogg remains as a B&M brand? I think I had a pack. I think we even had a pack on the show, but that was two years ago now. They were a big deal. They were like the first players in the whole expanded snack market of the 90s. In the kind of connoisseurs of crisp

before the kettle shit. Just before the kettles came through. So, nostalgia's interesting. It's definitely a 90s snack. Yes. That's what I mean. But it's not a defining 90s snack. So nostalgia is interesting. It's definitely a 90s snack. Yes. That's what I mean. But it's not a defining 90s snack. My argument is, it's not defining. No, it is a sort of a sidebar.

I'm enjoying this conversation. It's a sidebar, Paul. Oh, you can't get a conversation out of crisps? We can. The point I'm trying to make is their whole existence these days is tied into their nostalgic value, I think, in a way. These are going to go the way of the cheesy moment, though, eventually, I think. I think we should go for a seven. Yeah, seven's fine.

Seven. It's enough nostalgia that people go, oh, yeah, the 90s oysters, but not kind of, oh. It's no one's favourite crisp, is it, really? Even I think seven's being generous,

but Paul's going to play the card of being a big boy bully later. Okay, be a big boy. Big boy bully. Accuracy. Four, two, three. I'd probably go with four. T-bone steak. I mean, that is so far from a steak. go with four T-bone steak

I mean that is so far from a steak what makes it T-bone that's the cut it has a bone that shapes as a T I know that

but it's suggesting a flavour not just saying steak they could have just said steak I think T-bone is like they've gone for that because it's kind of macho T-bone it gives it a sort of

yeah T-bone is what you'd have in an American grill house right a big steak you know a big fucking steak you slap slap the T-bone on the grill slap my T-bone is what you'd have in an american grill house right big steak you know big fucking steak you slap on slap the t-bone on the grill slap my t-bone down yeah and you've got the word bone in and you know like it's over it's not t-bone steak flavored it's standard fucking

beef crisp flavored yeah farty bone farty bone talk nonsense um farty bone steak it's not good it's not good certainly in terms good. It's not good. Certainly in terms of accuracy, it's not good. What's the most accurate beef-flavoured crisp you can recall eating? That's a tricky one because you can't really replicate that. You can't. It's one of the weakest areas of crisp flavour technology, isn't it? My favourite isn't necessarily the best.

Who's? No, Monster Munch. I love the roast beef Monster Munch. That's lovely. But that's a flavour in itself. I've hurt my mouth eating those because I just devour them.

You've got to hurt it. You know when you're just scraping your palate with them. Yeah, that's a good feeling. So accuracy anyway. So we get back to that. We will go with

three. Three. Yeah. Not good. And then value for money. So this is going to pump it up a bit, isn't it? B&M, Multipack.

Quid. Quid. That's good value for money. It is. Very good value for money. These are a budget bargain crisp. As a bargain budget crisp. Nice.

Pretty good. I like them. I get an enjoyable, I enjoy eating them. It's just funny that in many respects, all these kind of, not going to say posh crisps, but you know, the kind of gimmicky crisps to some extent, had this big explosion in the 90s. And now these days, they're kind of like an embarrassing corner of bm multi-pack it's the way sort of it's the way the kind of status of things change and yet like stellar artois yeah the basics kind of stay the same you still get

your monster munch you still well monster munch is interesting because it had a kind of rebirth and a reboot so you remember even till a few years ago all the monster munch used to had new written on the corner yeah Yeah. New old. Because it was like based on the old 70s packs. Because the 90s ones were awful. When they tried to reboot them, everyone hated them. Didn't they? Because in the 90s, they made them smaller packets.

They changed the flavors up. The texture was like cheap. They don't bother even making them small. No. It's like New Coke or whatever, isn't it? Yeah. Everyone hated the new product. And then they sort of brought back the old one without saying it.

You know what I mean? I mean, no one really plans plans that but it's a great idea here's a new thing that you like what it's shit here's a new thing again buy it you fucking cunt yeah right um all together what does that make value for money oh yeah we have the value for money oh nine yeah for instance if you're doing a kiddies party and you want to get crisps absolutely can't go wrong can't go wrong paul just before we add up the total for Royce's, we should mention that we have seen, it's been brought to our attention, that Funyuns are now available. When I went looking yesterday, I couldn't find any.

I'll just say that. But they're on our docket. We do need to do Funyuns because we've done Bobby's, we have tasted on the show before, Bobby's Onion Rings. Yeah. Ash was actually in when we tasted those. He loved them. We did a lot of Bobby's with Ash. Was that episode 50? A long time ago when we first dug into bobbies, I was living in Cambridge

I think at that time Funyuns are perhaps the world's most famous onion ring based crisp What? I'm sorry I just lost as you were talking I don't know what happened there it's not like I zoned out but I just couldn't figure out what you were asking

say that again Are Funyuns the world's I don't know what happened there. It's not like I zoned out, but I just couldn't figure out what you were asking. Say that again. Are Funyuns the world's most famous onion ring-based crisp? Yeah. I don't fucking care. Do you know why they are popular? Because they appeared in Breaking Bad. They had this whole fight about he eats loads of Funyuns.

Yeah, but I think they're well-known before that. I do. Yes. And they do red-hot flavour ones. Anyway, I'm foreshadowing another item coming up. Let's have the score. Do you want me to do the maths? No, I've done it already while you were fucking going on about Funyuns. The score overall is a reasonably good 35.

I think that's all they deserve. It scores strongly in texture and value for money. And I think that's what pumped it up into the mid-30s. And I think those are strong aspects. I think we've given a fair, scientific... We have. And it's passed the council

and it's going into the vault of the League of Snacks and Crisps and let's shut the door on that. Oh yeah, I forgot about that. We meant the whole tomb, didn't we? Well, we'll just send... No, no characters.

No, we're just fine. That's the end of the segment. You're right. We'll do a tomb another time. All right. Fucking hell. Right. No, we're just fine. That's the end of the segment. You're right. We'll do it to none other time. All right. Fucking hell. Right. So, leading on to what you've brought.

Now we're in Cheap Eats itself. Proper. You want to do this? We go straight on to this? It's all in the... Yeah, we'll go straight into it. It's all in the family of Cheap Eats. It all rolls into one.

Now, this has a noodle connection. A noodle connection. As well as a Funyuns connection. This is onion-flavoured rings. Right. Hot and spicy. Nice. And these are by a company called Nongshim.

Okay. Does Nongshim say anything to you? Well, you're going to suggest now that it's a noodle company. It's a very big noodle company from Korea. They have a very, very popular product. Bowl noodles. Okay. Nongshim hot and spicy bowl noodles.

And they do a kimchi flavor. And they're styrofoam ones. A la Nissin cup noodles. These are like the... Nissin is the big one in Japan. I'd say, I'll go out on a limb and say they're the biggest noodle manufacturer from Korea. South Korea.

I've enjoyed their bowl noodles. I've enjoyed them very much. There seems to be some kind of bird. It's cricket. It's not a cricket. It's cricket. Sounded like a bird. Now let's get back into the cheap eats section. Shut up. Cheap eats.

Alright. I forgot I had that so I wanted to get it in. They obviously make other stuff and these are onion flavoured rings. So are they going to be spicy onion-flavoured? So there's going to be a sweetness and a spice to them, so they're not just onion. There'll be the sweetness of the onion. You're hoping... Let me just show it to the camera.

You're hoping there'll be a sweetness to the onion, and also hot and spicy. But I was going to say, Funyuns do a red hot, because they do a red hot of everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The red hot Funyuns... Hang on, haven't we done that on the Cheap Show in the past? On the Cheap Show in the past? Back when we did in Southampton.

We may have covered it before. I've got an image of us opening Funyuns and going, like that. Yeah, they were red hot. Maybe I brought some back. Yeah, I sent some

from America. But if only we hadn't made 200 episodes of this claptrap. This is just going to keep getting worse and worse by the way. As episodes go on,

we're like, did we do this? Did we do this? My knob has dropped off. His buffy cock. Oh, Rodney dropped off with his knob off. So basically the exact fucking same show, but with senility built in.

Yes. Great. Now, they're delicious, the Funyuns Red Hot, so I don't know what these will be like, basically. Where do you get those from? Just one of those. From a Korean supermarket. Okay. How much? 89p. Ooh, basically. Where do you get those from? Just one of those? From a Korean supermarket. Okay.

How much? 89p. Ooh, nice. That's not bad value for money. It's not too bad, is it? No. They've got a reputation. Obviously, compared to the Roysters, it's ridiculously.

You could get almost five packs of Roysters for that. True. But then you go to Marks and Spencers, for example, and you get a bag of some kind of potato chip, and they end up being like £1, £1.10 for like a bag, just one bag of... And they're shit. Do you know, have you ever had their cheese flavor?

It's like cloying. It's unimpressive. It's unimpressive. A lot of their stuff. Right, whack it open. What's the huff? Oh, it's not that great. Why?

It's not an appetizing huff. I don't know why. Perhaps you'll be able to put your finger on it. Oh, weird. It's about sweet almost, sort. I don't know why. Perhaps you'll be able to put your finger on it. Oh, weird. It smells sweet, almost. Sort of whiny. Is it a bit whiny? Yeah, it is.

You're right. It's sweet, and it's got this... I can't explain that. It's got a kind of... I don't know. It's not bad. I don't think it's a bad smell, but it's such a strange...

I'm shaking out a few there. Oh, I like that. They look good, don't they? I like these. They look bloody good. What are these made out of? They are mashed potato, again, just like the Roysters. Are Funyuns the same as well, effectively? And they're just like the Bobby's ones, aren't they? I like these. They look bloody good. What are these made out of? They are mashed potato again just like the Roysters.

Are Funyuns the same as well effectively? And they're just like the Bobby's ones aren't they? They're fake onion ring crisps. Here we go. We're going for the bite. I like them.

Really? They're smoky almost aren't they? They've got a sort of paprika sort of smoky paprika at the end. A little bit but it's also

it's a sweet chilli thing. I don't think it's particularly that. I just think it's actually quite a nice comforting kind of nice snack. They're very sweet thing. No, I don't think it's particularly that. I just think it's actually quite a nice, comforting kind of nice snack. They're very sweet. They're very sweet. I think sweeter than you'd ever get a sort of British style.

You know what I mean? You getting that smokiness? A little bit. It is the paprika. There's no fish in these. Wow. Why don't you do that before we fucking eat them? Well, you don't expect there to be any fish, do you?

Does it have a vegetarian logo on it? Because if it does, then you sort of... Let's see. We've got the ingredients. I'll see another one. I was wrong about being potato as well. What were they? Wheat flour is the first ingredient.

Corn starch. Rice bran oil. Potato is in there. Palm oil. Onion powder, 4%. Sugar. Salt. Chili powder.

Flavour enhancer. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Salmon. Your co-host dies right now. Anchovy distillate. No. It prepared at a company. This is the thing I didn't know. No, no, blah. Salmon. Your co-host dies right now. Anchovy distillate. No. It prepared at a company. This is the thing I didn't know.

No, no, no. Hang on. Check this out. Go on. Prepared at a company that also processes crustaceans, egg, and peanuts. Right. So it's the same factory they make the noodles in, probably. Yeah.

I mean, it could have. I mean, it could have a bit of. You're not that allergic. Oh, yeah. Not off trace elements like that. I'll be fine. But, like, I did often wonder why i always felt a little bit weird after eating worcestershire's worcestershire's got anchovy in it yeah never fucking knew that until like literally last year it's a shame because it's a great ingredient for stuff but you should um i used to put a splash or

two of my cheese on toast that's can it was all i ever used it for lovely but i used to always remember like when it was like get a slight Get a slight inflammation. You live and learn. Yeah, you're not getting that feeling now, are you? No. Now, going back to the Nongshim onion rings. I didn't like them. They were all right. I did not like them.

Too sweet. Not enough heat. No heat at all. No, it does sort of build up a bit if you eat a few, I felt. But it's not like red hot. Yeah. Underwhelming. But not unpleasant.

Not great, though. No? But you will eat them all later, though, won't you? No, probably not. Really? Do you want them? I'll have them. Yeah, I'll have them.

That's a very rare moment on Cheap Show. I'm not particularly into those. Too sweet. Do you want to do a very brief one? Yeah. All right. Let me set it up and then straight to the tasting, okay? Ladies and gentlemen, here's how it goes.

We've done Jammie Dodgers in the past. We love Jammie Dodgers. A nice kind of shortbread biscuit with a jammy filling. Famously, raspberry. That's how everyone's known it. But recently, they've been doing all kinds of wacky flavors. We did pineapple recently, right? It wasn't pineapple.

We did apple pie. We have done pineapple, but we have done- No, we did candy apples. No, we did apple. We've done pineapple. We have definitely done pineapple. Oh, yes, we did with the yellow jam. And we have done toffee apple.

And the toffee apple was not good. But it wasn't bad. It was just like, uh, it's just sweet. Pineapple, did we like that? We didn't like that at all. No, we didn't like that. It didn't go well It was just like, uh, it's just sweet. Pineapple, did we like that? We didn't like that at all. No, we didn't like that. It didn't go well with the taste of the biscuit,

did it? No. But now we can add two more flavours to try to the ongoing list of Jammy Dodger flavours. They are... Limited editions.

Two limited editions we have in my left hand. The Unicorn edition, which is a magical strawberry, and it's literally just pink, and instead of a splat on the biscuit, they've put a unicorn's head.

Why is that different from just a strawberry one then? Well, it's raspberry, isn't it, originally? Okay. So it just says, unicorn edition, magical strawberry, because magic and unicorns. I don't think that's... That's not really... And in my right hand, I have a slime edition. Gooey apple.

That's a bit like Slimer. Like a bit like a one-eyed Slimer on it. Cyclops Slimer. You know what? You are right. It's strange. They're getting intellectual property bit like a one-eyed Slimer on it. Cyclops Slimer. You know what? You are right. It's strange. They're getting intellectual property from Ghost Corps. No.

Aren't they? I mean, look. They're sort of ripping them off a bit, aren't they? Ghost Corps do nothing but trade on the logo. Slime. Slime and the Marshmallow Man. But they're kind of ripping it off, aren't they, a bit for that? I think the association with Ghostbusters is so strong that ideally you can't go slime

and not think of Ghostbusters and Slime. But they've also the shape of the slime goblin or whatever it is on that packet. Yeah, it's one-eyed. It's a generic monster. Yeah, okay. Now, should we try the unicorn ones? I think you should try the unicorn one.

I'll try the apple, and then we'll try the apple separate. Now, one thing I'll say, like the Drifters of the 90s, which started getting loads of special editions, it seems to me they might... Ooh, have a hoof. Ooh, that's like ice cream, these ones.

You smell that one. The apple ones. That one smells kind of like apple pie. It's nice. Ooh, that is very candy-flossy, ice cream, strawberry ice cream-y. The huff is quite nice on both of them. It's a good huff on these.

Okay. Now, just like Drifters, then Drifters disappeared forever after they'd done these amazing limited editions. It was a Nestle product, wasn't it? Yes. So that might be what's happening with Dami Dodgers. They might be trying to spew these out

to see if anything sticks to the wall. No, because Jammie Dodgers are incredibly successful. I just think it's one of those situations where it's like... Are they though? Yeah. Well, they're still going. And I think they do this because they can trade on the jam fillings as their owner component to swap out.

And they can have a bit of fun with it. It's easy to do, yeah. I don't think there's much risk in banging it out. You don't have to do much else, do you, to change it? With a drifter, you had to change just the centre. It's that old adage, that old story of, if you want your business to grow, don't focus on making one thing good.

Make thousands of things that are all right, that give people choice. Yeah. And that's kind of this. Anyway, this is from BMM as well. I'm going to go for slime. Eli's trying the strawberry. Here we go.

I've got crumblies all down me. Crumblies. Oh, it's green, the apple one. Yeah, I've said that. Numerously. Like eight or nine times. We're going to swap and give our reactions come please I was green the apple one yeah I've said that numerously like eight or nine times we're going to swap and give our reactions

after we've eaten both alright let's just do it quickly I'm quickly going to bite into the unicorn one here we go I'm biting the apple one there's more flavours

to the strawberry one yes I quite like the apple one but it doesn't taste like apple it doesn't taste like much of anything it just

if you'd have said that was a normal jammy dodger and I was blind and I didn't see the colour, which would affect my opinion, I would never have known that was apple. Poor show. Not enough apple flavour. But it's still pleasant. It's green. It's made me think.

I'd like it to be lime. That'd be nice. Tangy. Oh, tangy one. And then you could have slimy lime or something like a pun on... Lime. Yeah. Yeah.

Mate, we should work for jammy dodgers jammy dodgers we'll work for you coming up with flavors i did enjoy the strawberry one more as well it's got an ice creamy thing yes ice creamy and it works better with the uh the biscuit shortcake yeah oh nice but the apple one unremarkable but those are nice i definitely i would definitely go and i'd pick those out unremarkarkable, but not bad. You know what I mean? It's like you wouldn't bite into it and go, ugh, ugh. No, not at all. It's just more like, nah, you wouldn't have known.

Yeah, and I agree with you on the magical strawberry. I think there's more flavour there. It works together better. But again, not that strong. It doesn't have the punch of the raspberry from the jam. No. And maybe it's just because it's not a common flavour with jammy dodgers that we just have trouble finding the flavour because of the biscuit.

Oh, I'm getting apple. It's a bit like an apple crumble, actually, at the end. trouble finding the flavour because of the biscuit. I'm getting apple. It's a bit like an apple crumble, actually, at the end. Yeah, it's got a bit of a nice aftertaste. And the combination of the texture of the biscuit with the apple flavour is reminding me of an apple crumble. Yeah, it's actually quite nice. Actually, I'm changing my mind. They're subtle.

It's just that I had that after that. Yeah, maybe that's why I had a similar situation with going from apple to that. I was still in the right. Either way, long story short, these are both perfectly fine. I think they're much nicer than the candy apple and the pineapple. The pineapple I did not like. No, it's because it sort of makes the... It's too stringent.

As you like to say. Maybe the lime would have the same issue as well if they did do a lime one. Because it makes the biscuit taste stale. Do you know what I mean? The seriousness of the snacks and crisps. Should we rate the Dummy Dodgers then? Out of what? Five? We usually give it five. I would give them both mean? The seriousness of the snacks and crisps. Should we rate the Dummy Dodgers then? Out of what, five? We usually give it five.

I would give them both three. I'd say four. I like them. I'll go with four then. I'm feeling charitable. Because I was such a naughty strict man when we came to the crisps.

Well, you need to be strict when it's science. But when it comes to bickies, I can relax a little bit. A little bit less stringent. I don't know what that means. Oh, please. But you use it and I want to, I'm being left out. Ast't know what that means. Oh, please. But you use it and I want to, I'm being left out.

Astringent is the word. Trigenimal. Can we now know what trigenimal means? For proper. For propers, yeah? I was a fish, silly. Officially. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

I just came up with that because I was desperate for something to say. Well, let's not say anything. We can finish this. Can we? Yeah, we can come to the end of this segment and then we'll do the thing let's not say anything. We can finish this. Can we? Yeah, we can come to the end of this segment and then we'll do the thing. But like literally right now we can end it. Press the button. What, like right now?

Do you want me to do it? I have the power to stop recording. Do you want me to do it? Do you know what to press? Yeah. It's like that improv show where you're only talking questions. Do you want to press it? Do you want me to press it?

Have you pressed it before? Do you like to press it? Dildo! Oh God, we're not doing that, mate. A murder weapon. Do you like me to press it? You look like a hobbit. Yeah, all right, mate.

I do look like a hobbit, though. Just press it. I think we've reached the end. That's the wrong button. You want to press the little square one. This one? That one. Now I'm recording. Hello.

Hello. Hello, ladies and gentlemen. So, I didn't press record on the ending of this episode, so we're recording it right now at, like, 10 o'clock at night on Thursday. Oh, I don't get to say anything at the end anyway. So Eli Snowed is my Twitter. E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. Yeah, we get to that eventually.

So yeah, that's what we did. So this is us wrapping up now. Eli's got to go and have an important game in a minute with some online friends, don't you? Well, it's not important. It's just scheduled, Paul. Unlike this. No, I know.

Which is completely out of the blue. And during the initial recording of the first time we tried to do the end, you said, you have to shut up for the whole thing. And I'm serious about it. And you gave me your teacher eyes. Your teacher eyes. My teacher eyes. I'll teach you with my eyes, mate. Which makes it ironic that you're calling me out now and I'm meant to fucking say something, am I? Well, I just thought it'd be nice if we were both here rather than me just saying, oh, look, I've cocked up. Goodbye. Oh, is that it then?

All right, well, that case... What am I meant to fucking say? All right. What do you want me to say? How much fun you had in the episode? I did have lots of fun. Which was that? The one where we played storage?

No, that's next week. That was more fun. Next week is more fun. Right, great. Well, you were a fucking useless twat. All right, bye then. I'll do the wrap-up. Okay.

Bye. Enjoy your precious game. Bye. Bye. Bye. Right, there we go then. He's gone. I'll do the admin.

Right, on Twitter, follow us at The Cheap Show Pod. I'm at Paul Gannon's show, and he's Eli Snow. He said that before he went off in a hissy fit to play poker with his real quote-unquote friends. Yes, you can support us on

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because now I've got to edit this bit and then upload it as soon as I can and edit the website. Oh, I just want to go to bed. Bye, everyone. You're beautiful. Bye. Oh bye oh i've got a new twitter account for my youtube channel called ganon land sniff it out it's about board games shh bye everyone