CheapShow - Ep 217: Bureau De Splodge

Episode Date: February 12, 2021

Warning. This is not a drill. Brace yourself and prepare accordingly for a brand new "NOEL WATCH" segment. Yet again, Paul and Eli dive head first into another trough of juicy, hairy Noel Edmonds "goodness". Donated to the PO Box this week was the second of the three "Funny Phone Call" albums that Noel made... But this time, is any of it any good and is Paul finally going soft on Mr. Edmonds? You'll find out the hard way this week on the podcast. However, don't worry if you can't deal with Noel, for there is also a much needed "Tales from the Shop Floor" segment. However, despite the mind boggling nature of the story, it instead inspires Paul & Eli to create a new, very sticky, business idea. Oh dear. And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-217-bureau-de-splodge If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Also, you can NOW see Eli star in "Ashens & The Polybius Heist", download it from here: https://www.watchpolybiusheist.com MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop https://www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Paul is writing a book! Want to help make it happen? https://unbound.com/books/ghosts/ Send Us Stuff CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Oh, tis a wintry day, tis a wintry cold day where flakes of snow do dribble-drapple out of the sky and flipple-flopple onto the floor. It is a snowy day and Paul is cooped away in his small little grotto, separated from his pod partner Eli, who is across town. Eli, how art thou? I don't know what that is. I don't know what that is. Paul, just before, I've got someone here who really liked the vibe that you were giving out with that, you know, with the whole ye olde snowy daytime. Yeah.

He's here. Yeah. I think you've heard his little noise that his little pipe makes against his mouth. But he's here. He just wants to say hello. He just wants to say... There he is.

God, already? Oh, so to be sure, it is snowy. To be... It reminds me, Paul. So it does. Yeah, no, I know. It reminds me.

I had a story about a snowy day. Paul, so it does. Yeah, I know. So it does. It reminds me. I had a story about a snowy day. We were on the Western Front. It was so snowy that I had chill blains, so I did. I had chill blains, so I did. And so bad, they were split. My blains were split. They were chilled so badly. So they were...

So... Just get to the ball eating. That's all you're going to get. That's all that matters. Just get to the bit where you eat balls. All right, Sonny. I went to the shed and there were lots of balls

frozen in there. So they were crispy. Melt in the mouth. Sorry. Sorry. stop a minute. You found a shed full of balls. Yeah, frozen balls. Oh, well, so what? Is it some kind of testicular Iceland?

They were Nazi balls. Right, Nazi balls, frozen, and you ate them. You had to. It's the only way you could survive. Well, I think if you thought a little bit longer and harder, you would have come up with a plan B, as opposed to eating Nazi balls. Plan B had already been exhausted.

That was eating everyone else's balls. I'll go. I'm going to go. You were ball-less. I'm going to go. I think you should, because this is not working for me. All right. So I will.

Goodbye. There he goes. Storytime granddad, Paul. Storytime granddad. Right, well, on that note, then, welcome to Cheap Show, boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse.

People love noodles. It's just a fact of cheap show You're gonna have to learn to fucking accept Cheap show Cheap show It's the price of shite Cheap Show. It's the price of shite. Paul Gannon.

Eli Silverman. Welcome to Cheap Show. And I go and I nuzzle. Hello, yes, welcome to Cheap Show. It's a remotely recorded episode today, so Eli and I are safely in our bunkers. Paul, I'm in the original H to the O-P. Yeah?

Yeah. Crispy town. You are. I've not seen the H to the O-P in a while. Has things changed? No, they've got considerably worse. Sorry. In what way?

Well, I don't really want to go into it. It's quite embarrassing. Well, in what way? Well, there's a little dresser that's across from Mount Gotpants, and I've actually done some work clearing the top of that. And I've got my little nerd calculator man sitting there. He's looking at me. He's encouraging me to do well today. Thank you, nerd calculator man sitting there. He's looking at me. He's encouraging me to do well today.

Thank you, nerd calculator lizard man. If you're tongue out, thank you very much. You've encouraged me. I'm ready to go forward, Paul. There's not going to be any funny business from my side. That's for sure. Today, that's for sure. Also, there's no funny business on my side either today because there's nothing funny, interesting or whatever

going on. So we're just going to crack on with... Ah, you know what, mate? I'm losing interest in this. Oh, God. Come on, mate. It's really weird doing this remotely. It's so weird.

But anyway, yes, we're back and we're doing Cheap Show. We do. We're going to follow the guidelines and do this responsibly, carefully, and with love. So we're going to do our best to deliver high-octane Cheap Show thrills to you over the next hour or so. So what have we got coming up on the show? Well, up until half an hour ago, the answer was nothing.

But we've managed to pull together the best of what we can, and we've got today some interesting things um also do you want to do anything at the top of the show anything you want to announce or say well um hmm no i've got nothing this is fine i'm not i'm not trying to catch you out with like some kind of confession or an apology i was just wondering genuinely if you had anything you wanted to talk about specific to Eli Silverman's interests. No, my interests have ground to a halt. I've just been watching.

Well, I'll tell you what then. What? I'll announce this now and it's out the way so people can get going on it. Your Envision 2020 was very, very, very, very well received last year. And we thought, you know what? Let's do it again. So here are the parameters. One, if you want to get involved listen to episode whatever

it was of cheap show last year well why don't you pull did you pull sorry to sorry to uh give you notes while you're doing it but why don't you just explain no go for it first up what your envision is conceptually and as a real uh thing yeah well conceptually it was a reaction to uh the lack of eurovision eurovision i keep saying eurovision now eurovision last year and so we thought we'd fill the gap in and we invited our listenership to create songs and then we had them judged by such luminaries as i don't know brian wecht from ninja sex party comedian nick Oh, we had all your favourites, Ashen's, Mr Biffo. They all chipped in and we thought, let's do it again. So if you'd like to have a song for your Envision 2021 on Cheap Show this year,

create one. We don't care what you do, what its content is. All we ask is that you keep it to about a minute and a half, two minutes at the absolute max. Well, I think you're being wishy-washy there. There has to be a cut-off. So is it a minute and a half or is it two minutes? I would say it's between 90 seconds and two minutes.

I think you can get a leeway. You don't want to inhibit people too much. You need something to breathe. Okay, but does it have to be... Is there a lower limit? Can it be 10 seconds? Yeah, I don't want a 10-second song. Jingles. It could be like a McDonald's

I'm loving it thing for cheap show. A cheap show sound idea. Then we'll do Jingle Vision. I'm Storytime Grandad. Don't. That's not a jingle. That's you stuck in a creative loop. That's the noise of his pipe, Paul. Oh, I eat janitors. Yeah, but it's not a jingle. That's you stuck in a creative loop. That's the noise of his pipe, Paul.

Oh, I eat janitors. Yeah, but it's not a jingle. No, I've got one. I've got one. No, it's not. All right, sorry. So should we say minimum a minute, maximum two minutes? Yeah.

Okay. I think that's fair. You need to give a song time to breathe. And there have been some good hits that have been only about two minutes long in history of the pop well instance uh song two by blair is two minutes on the nose yeah yeah that's very short on the nose two minutes i think yeah in the six late like rock and roll period it was like two minutes 20 seconds was a sort of you know all the phil specter stuff wall of sound get in get out, get out. A lot of the Beatles ones are in that range, I think, as well.

Earlier Beatles stuff. Okay. Yeah. So, but I think nowadays, you get a pop record, it goes on for fucking seven minutes, doesn't it? Oh, mate.

Everyone thinks they're doing Bohemian Rhapsody these days. Having watched Todd in the Shadows' latest one-hit Wonderland, whoop, whoop, there it is. You can't. Watching that video really brought back to me

how utterly dire the 90s was in terms of music. And it makes me think, actually, it was a bit better. It was really bad. Early 90s was really bad. It's all the worst things about the 80s, sort of coming home to roost. Do you know what I mean? Sort of the tendency.

But it was also, like, they sped through genres a lot in the 90s though you know what i mean like one minute it was like stock acorn and waterman and then next minute it all got a little bit happy hardcore a little bit housey a little bit dance and all of a sudden there was like pop and spice girls and boyzone and take that and then all of a sudden it was brit pop and then all of a sudden it was a bit more grungy as you're getting towards the end of the decade then we start leaning towards the more indie bandy stuff you know you couldn't hold on to anything long enough in the 90s no but there was some really terrible commercial music in the 90s really terrible cynical stuff mostly made by simon cowell yeah uh where were we anyway shall i get storytime granddad he can come back and finish this no no there's no the only thing finished about story

time granddad is his time on the show all right all right we're moving on okay so yes so if you want to join your envision this year please do uh email your tracks to thecheapshowatgmail.com and you know your name name of the track all kind of stuff, so we have as much information as possible. And, yeah, hopefully... Paul? What? I've just had an idea. Could we have categories?

Like, instrumental category, rap song category, use of moog category? No. All right. No. Here's why. Okay.

No, here's why. I want to explain it to you carefully. I can't be arsed. All right, you can't be arsed. I think if we keep it simple, keep it simple, right? Keep it simple, keep it smiley, right? Everyone throws in. Everyone can express themselves, however.

We don't know when the episode's going to go out, but it may be late June or it might be May or June. It could be around then, I reckon. I don't know when Eurovision's meant to be. Is it may be late june or it might be may or june okay around then i reckon that's great with your vision's meant to be is it meant to be june or july i don't know they i mean the whole start for this was last year it was cancelled because of the pandemic wasn't it yeah so it might be cancelled again we might be the only way people can get the fill of experimental music made on a worldwide base you know scale yeah judged by an amazing cast of judges. Some real experts as well.

Now, Paul, the other question I had... No, that was it, actually. All right, good. No, keep it simple. I tell you what we can do. What? I'll have to show you on the camera. But one of the reasons why we're kind of low on content right now on Cheap Show is obviously the shops are closed

and charity shops and all that kind of thing, P.O. Boxes, people are hard to send stuff out. It's hurting me, man. And we do have a stockpile of stuff, but unfortunately that kind of only works when we're in the same room together, like certain off-brand brand-offs and games and food testing things. So we're figuring all that out. However, we do have a few bits and bobs,

and I wanted to show Eli this. Again, there'll be pictures of everything we talk about on the show today on cheapshow.co.uk. They've been a bit damaged in the post, this, unfortunately. So I'm going to try and fix it before I send it to you, Eli. But someone, I'll read it out. Hi, guys. I made you these little baubles, a Slimer and a record player.

Hope you like them. From someone called Paul. So I'm going to show you the record player now again it's been a little bit damaged so i'm going to fix it before i get it to you show me each piece separately put it on the camera oh little it's a little record player it's a suitcase record player oh yeah kind of it's got a handle on the side it's probably a cheap crosby there's a little thing it's a cheap crossly piece of shit isn't it with a terrible terrible ceramic stylus but look it's a little record on it you get a spare as well look he made a spare one oh that's good and then he made me a slimer now again the arm came off the slimer unfortunately but a little bit of glue will fix that and i'll show you the slimer now. Look at him. Oh, he's excellent.

Isn't that great? What's he holding? A hot dog? Is that a hot dog? It's like a big baguette or something. No, it's a hot dog. Look at that. You can't see. That's a sausage. Look at it. Oh, yeah, it's a hot dog. You're right. It's a hot dog. I didn't notice the sausage in his hand before. He does eat hot dogs. He's very unlike me. Doesn't Slimer eat hot dogs in the

original movie? He's on a hot dog cart. Yeah, he pops up on the hot dog cart, doesn't he? And he's got his mouth full of fucking hot dogs, isn't it? Yeah. And that's slang. That's become slang. That's become slang in porn movies. For like a... What?

Having a Slimer? Yeah, no. It's called Slimer in the hot dog stand. It's that porn set terminology. What pornography term? Hot dog. All right, love. Loving your work, love.

I'm loving your work love i'm loving your work so far now what we need for in from this scene is a real slimer in the hot dog cart you know what i mean oh god almighty gobble gobble gobble slime in the hot dog cart and then finish with the great big marshmallow man explosion all over his face it's so sexy isn't it ghostbusters come to think of it it's so seminal it's all fluids isn't it it's all gooky fluid it is well richard sandling comedian and friend of the show uh he used to do a bit of stand-up about ghostbusters saying you know basically it's about four men who all touch wands and make a big sailor man explode all over new york city and it's like yeah it's quite yeah it's got it's about four men who all touch wands and make a big sailor man explode all over New York City. And it's like, yeah, it's got layers, sticky layers.

There's a lot of innuendo I hadn't really realised until I went through that whole Slimer with the hot dog thing. Big old mouthful of hot dogs. He really gobbles them as well, doesn't he? I think he's got five or six in his mouth when he puts out. He seems happy enough. So, yeah. Thank you, Paul, for those lovely little

baubles. Thank you very much. Shall I do these scratch and sniff stickers then? Yeah. Right. Yeah, go for it. We were sent these. I've kind of hung a lantern on it there, haven't I, by saying these scratch and sniff stickers, they are but that's good scratch and stiff that's another term on a porn set scratch and stiff hello a little less a little less scratch

and sniff in the next take do you mind now let me just get some light here okay these were sent quite a while ago, I think. Now, he's done a little postcard. I don't know if you can see that. With the stickers on. Yeah, see, with the Cheap Show sticker on. Got a Cheap Show sticker. And bring back Fat Sal.

Oh, yeah. Well, it's what a lot of people do say and have been saying for years, really. So, I've got no control. I've got no control. Although the character, I'd like to think, you know, I own the character in terms of like I mean who's it's like who's the best doctor who's the best fat sow I mean I guess

you know you are you're also good at being the best fat sow because you're the only person who I think has ever portrayed fat sow I might be wrong maybe it's been performed somewhere in some other medium let's keep it that way keep fat sow eli yeah keep fat sow eli yeah uh okay hello paul and eli it is tom it is tom the one who sent the doing oh sorry not the one who sent the doing he sent poopoo in post no it's worse poopoo doing in post no it's worse than that. Oh, dear. I'll start again. It is Tom, the one who sent the dong and the literal mint on card. Hello. Oh, yeah. Thank you for the hours of entertainment.

Thank you, Tom. Thank you, Tom. I'm a teacher by trade, disturbing, and scratch and sniff stickers are a cool reward. Tom uses the scratch and sniff stickers to reward his pupils. Why? Because it's good. I'd be up for that. If I had a teacher who gave me scratch and sniff stickers

for getting something right. You know what my teacher used to do when I was a little wee kiddy wink? It must have been like five or six, but at the end of the class, end of the day, if we'd all been good, as we marched out of the class at the end of the day, she'd get out her...

What was the name of that character? Fred, the home pride man. He looked like a little Mr. Ben. Yes, I think there were more than one of them. There was a whole extended home pride universe, mate. Maybe. Well, I've got loads of them in the kitchen here. I've got a whole tribe of them in the kitchen here.

Yeah, you've got a load of them. Yeah, but she would take the hat off, the little plastic Fred home pride man, and it'd be full of licorice all sorts and sweets, and we could pick one on the way out. Nasty. Oh, I remember her name. Mrs. Strawbridge. I remember her well. Mrs. Strawbridge? Oh, you're making that up. And who was the headmaster?

Mr. Moat? And who was the head of biology? Mrs. Bridge? What are you talking about? What's all this mean? You've made it up You've made it up Mrs Strawbridge her name was

And I remember when she left the job When she left the school To do another job elsewhere I remember having a big cry Because I liked her She was my favourite teacher Okay There's things I object to

I'd object to How many dirty, shitty Eyes and foreskins ridden Little kiddies' fingers will have been in that? Why as a child? No, you need to stop right fucking now. Why does a child have the smell of foreskins on their fingertips?

Because they're kids. When I was a kid, I had my hands all over my junk all the time. Oh, your junk. All right, fair enough then. What I'm saying, Paul, is they're the ones that go out of the class before you and they've had their little scrummage with their fingers all gluey with their own juices in there and it'll get grubby in there and you've probably picked a licorice licorice all sorts out and it was covered in filth is what i'm saying and you made up the name of that teacher

what i didn't make up the name of a teacher called mr mr candy floss structure luckily you'll like this because his name was mr riddle shall i read the rest of this letter then yeah why not so tom says thank you for the hours of entertainment i'm a teacher by trade and these stickers are a good reward a cool reward yeah i guess i found some special ones just for you i think eli will like them oh we'll see about that tom we'll see about that all the best and stay safe tom so hey talking i know it's hard but talking to the mic i'm just trying to think about the editing of this and i hate it i hate this i'm miserable what do you like i need a cuddle and a hand job or i can't

cuddle you or hand job you from here, can I? Not with that attitude. Paul, I'm looking at... You could set up some kind of... I'm looking at my waveform. Haptic sensor feedback. Yeah, I mean, that would exist. That exists, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But let's not get in there. I could feel your mouth on my cock end from miles away with a little bit of science magic. Haptic mouthpiece. My haptic mouthpiece. Now, that's what Brandoff has got installed in his mum's corpse, isn't it? Anyway. No, more of an animatronic fuckpiece in his mum's mouth.

I think there's only three types. I've got wet dog. Wet dog there. only three types. I've got wet dog. Wet dog there. As a reward, you give a wet dog sniff to your kids. No, I think he's picked the really nasty ones because he knew they'd be more appropriate for us. I think you'd probably get a wet dog if you didn't do very well or you were disruptive or something. Yeah. You've been a naughty boy.

Wet dog. What's this then? These are the stickers. Oh, they've got all of the possible stickers here on this card, Paul. Yeah. Shall we go through all of the different ones you can get? Go for it. You've got bacon.

Okay, nice. You've got cow. Moo. You've got dirt. Dirt. You've got fireworks. Fireworks. Fish.

Fish. You've got garbage. Garbage. You got grandma. Grandma. Oh, hang on. What does that smell of? Piss.

I don't know, but do you know what else you've got? You know what else you've got? What? Grandpa. Storytime granddad. No, it's not the smell of storytime granddad stench. That's the smell of chewed genitals, isn't it? Yeah.

Unless the old lady smell, grandma, that can be Madam Lady Plops. Exactly. Scratch out the names. We write Madam Lady Plops and we write, you know, Storytime Grandad and we sell it as Cheap Show Scratch and Sniff merch.

Mate, we need Scratch and Sniff stickers. That's exactly the kind of merch. A Cheap Show Scratch and Sniff book would be excellent. Great. Hot Wings, we got. I can smell my gooch. Onion.

Yeah, that's what it smelled like. Smelly Cheese. Wet Dog. Yeah. Zombie. Zombie. They've got... I can smell my gooch. Onion. Yeah, that's what it smelled like. Smelly cheese. Wet dog. Zombie. Zombie. They've got to put zombie in there. What's zombie going to be? The grave.

The aroma of the grave? Yeah. And dirt. It's probably dirt and flesh. Bad breath. Dog breath. Dragon breath. Morning breath.

I don't know how they differentiate those. So have a scratch of one or two of those. Pick one you want pick no we haven't got them all we haven't got them all paul oh we've only got two oh i see yeah i see oh no we've got two if you've got you got we've got three wet dog oh god i just opened the pickle one and i'm getting a fucking nostalgia hard on oh wet dog we got yeah we got fish and we got pickle pickle doesn't seem to be on the original list i didn't say pickle did i pickle's not there pickle's an extra one mate imagine we had a scratch and sniff of uh keith yeah that's good i i might get a half of keith right now just to get sort of inspired no don't don't don't it's don't that disgusting. It's the horriblest smell I can fathom.

It is. It smells like a musty incense. Even just thinking about it sets me off. They could make a perfume for like goth men. Scent of Keith. Witch Hole by Keith. Oh, yeah. Classy.

Yeah. No, weirdly, Pickle isn't on this. Maybe it's from a different series or something we'll give them a scratch and sniff and give them a rating of accuracy so we're going to start with the wet dog, we mentioned it first start with wet dog always start with wet dog

I'm taking it out of it's protective wrapper and I've got a little 1p coin to really get the sniff on there's two sheets of these so there's plenty to go around if you want one, Paul. Yeah, maybe we'll save it for a later date. Right, I'm going to have a have of this. Oh! Right.

Oh! His face does not look happy by all this. It's like chewing gum, and it smells like a sort of corner shop. A mildewy corner shop. What? Mildewy corner shop? Yeah. That's such a hard smell to fathom at the end.

It smells a bit like Chinese five spice. It smells like Chinese five spice a bit. I wouldn't have said wet dog there. I would not have said wet dog. No. Right now I'm trying to put together the idea of a thing that smells of Chinese spices, mildew and a corner shop and I can't figure that out. Yeah, it's like that. It's a bit bleachy, you know, with...

Let's go to fish, yeah? Try the fish. I'm already getting something off him. Try the fish, madam. That's like someone would say at a restaurant. What's good tonight? Yes. What's good tonight?

Try the fish, madam. All right, I will. Oh! God. God. Again, it's. Oh! God. Oh. Oh. Yeah.

Again, it's a bit foodie. What's that? Is it one of those smells that when you go past a fishmonger's, it's that kind of smell, that kind of homogenous fish stench? No. No, absolutely not. What are you getting then? Just a sort of mild, it's more like a sort of fish stock. You know, it's sort of stocky it's sort of

there's none of that raw oily fish there's none of that sort of oily off fishy intenseness now with all that being said you are giving these to children you don't want to discuss you don't want to discuss children do you don't want something really nasty you do that's the point kids like disgusting things though don't they they like snot and bogeys and smells and farts and poos. Kids love vomit, necrotic leg holes. Kids are totally into all that kind of stuff. Now, I've just got the pickle ones, Paul. I want to treasure these for the rest of my life.

I've found the pickle smell of pickle scratch and sniff. And these are exactly like... Oh, you're sniffinging them these are just exactly like being in Brent Cross when I was eight in the toy section and scratching all the stickers and then there was the balloon stand where you could get a picture of Knight Rider on it oh oh I was transported there. Oh, Snoopy T-shirt. Like a Snoopy T-shirt.

You could have a press. You pressed it there. They did it for you there and it had Snoopy on. Oh. All right, mate. Okay. Thank you, Tom. You've made this man, this man very happy.

What you can do now is like cut them up and have one in your wallet at all times. If you ever want a kind of little bit of, oh, a little pickle comfort blanket moment, you can pull out your wallet, give it a scratch and sniff and go, oh, I'm right back there in my fucking weird memory of a bread cross shopping centre and a snoopy t-shirt press and you, I don't know, sucking up to Knight Rider.

No, I wasn't sucking up to Knight Rider. They put Knight Rider on a balloon. You know those balloons? They had all those balloons that you could, helium balloons, crinkly silver or gold ones. They had one of those. And they also had a stand where you could get Snoopy printed on a t-shirt while you waited.

Those toy stores are no longer there, are they? No. Paul, just while I remember, I was in South London and there was a restaurant called Coming Up. Right. And it was spelt C-U-M-M-I-N. Right.

But it got me thinking. Didn't we used to say when I was a kid oh I'm coming up I've come up no I've come off what did you say I'm wanking up no you used to say I'm coming up I came up all over or something because when you're young you don't know nothing

spunked up that's what you used to say I've spunked up spunked up that's what you used to say i've spunked up well i know i never said that at all but i know what you mean right anyway that amused me but hang on why have you brought that up anyway out of nowhere i thought it was gonna go somewhere it just made me laugh it made me laugh it's like all of those restaurants it's like all of those restaurants that are like called like aroma of beij Beijing or whatever, you know. Yeah. No, cut this. Cut this bit. No, I'm keeping this in just so I can say I want to have a restaurant called,

I don't know, Essence of Spoff. Oh, Eli, it's time for Tales from the Shop Floor. Yes, Paul, and that's the segment of Cheap Show where our listeners write in letters about unfortunate hijinks and dilly-dallies they've had at work, or fuddle-duds. Oh, we love the dilly-dallies. And mishaps, fudgies, faux-pars, and shit in a pot plant.

Yeah, there's quite a lot of shit or spunk sometimes, worse, but we're not going to do that today i like semi-nude dead grandmas semi-nude dead grandma come on we got a good one have we got a good one today paul yeah it's good this isn't all this coming up with marketing ideas for the worst worst things we can imagine. Necrotic leg hole. It stands quite easily. It could be 2021's Hot Stepper. Yeah. My dead mother's fuck piece.

Sorry, I went too far. Yeah, all of those ones, mate. All of those ones. We've made the joke very clear now. Okay, come on. So let's crack on with a Tales from the Shop Floor. This one comes from a guy called Dave Parks. Hello, Dave.

Hello, Dave. Hello, my proud tatters of tat. Let me set this up by saying this was a shit job. He's straight in, Eli. It's a shit job. I like it. I like it. He's straight to the meat and the potatoes.

It's a shit job. No faffing about. And also, he circumnavigated the whole who you say first, Paul or Eli debate, which often raises its ugly head. It's still wrong, because it has to have Eli first, but, you know, it's only half wrong, as opposed to being fully wrong.

It's more half right. I'm a bit more optimistic about it than you. So, right, okay. He says, I was working in a bureau de change in a small glass booth within a well-known supermarket chain that i'd been working there for some time and knew the system blindfolded but my hubris was to be my downfall so what a bureau de change that's where you sit and people say change money is 10 pound give me some french

money well who says that the person in the bureau de Change or the person coming up to it? All right, I'll be the Bureau de Change guy, yeah? You come up. All right, cool. Hello, I'm off to Spain next week and I would like to change... Ring the bell. All right. Ding!

Hello, Bureau de Change, how can I help you? Hello, I am going on holiday next week with my family. I don't want to hear about it. How much? How much pounds? 200 pounds. All right. What do you want? What do you want me to do?

Turn it into... Turn it into... What is it, Euros now? Pesetas? Turn it into Euros Pesetas? What? I don't know. It's been a while since it's been a holiday.

Well, you should do your research before you approach the Bureau de Change. Good night. Shing. All right. I think that went well, Paul. What do you mean, shing? You can't close. I've closed.

It's two in the afternoon. I don't care. I'm on break. My family were going on holiday this afternoon. I need the money. Oh, you're going to... Well, you should have thought of that. I'm having a sandwich.

Hello? Nom, nom, nom. Nom, nom. I can't hear can't hear you do it for me now you could give me i'll do the working out now on my phone how much is 200 pounds in euros doesn't matter oh i've done the math for you mate you only got to do is give me 228 euros well what you've done all the work if you're so good why don't you don't go change it go find some fucker then to change it for you, because I won't be. I'm ensuring a fish paste sandwich. Why won't you be doing it? Well, I'm... It's your job.

I quit. Goodbye. You can't just quit. Good day to you. Right, well, I'm going to have to go home to my wife and family and explain to them we can't go to Spain now, because you won't change our money. You're the only Bureau de Change in the land, and I thought you might have been able to help us out. Wrong. Little Timmy here has got three weeks to live.

Oh, now he says that. Well, of course, because... Well, you should have said. What do you mean you should have said? It wouldn't make any difference. No, it wouldn't have, actually. So you're not going to give me the money, even though my child's never been on holiday and he's got three weeks to live. I am literally just a member of the public now, and I will be leaving this boots chemist through the indoor.

Thank you. Good day to you. Thank you, sir. Very good day to you. Excuse me, madam. Oh, lovely dog. Bye. Right.

End the scene. And that, ladies and gentlemen, that is exactly how it is to deal with customer service in the uk if you've never been here before that's your experience in a nutshell little bit of politics little bit just a little bit a soup son of podcast politics just enough to keep you salty right so that's oh yeah the letter um working in a bureau de change hubris was to be his downfall right okay so he when he is hubris his hub, Paul, was that he said in the previous sentence that he could do the job with his eyes closed.

So is his hubris going to be punctured by an actual eye injury or something? Does someone spunk in his eyes and he's temporary blinded? And even though he said he could do the job with a blindfold on, when it's a spunky blindfold and his eyes are stinging, he comes up short. Mate, so, hang on. New scene. Right, you're the Bureau de Change.

Okay, yeah. Hello. Ding, ding. Right, so you come up to me and you want money. Here we go. We're swapping characters. Here we go. All right.

Do-do-do. Ah, there's the Bureau de Change. It's handy, that, because I'm going on holiday and need to change some money. Ding! Hello. Hello. My name is Paul.

I am your friendly customer service man for this booth. Oh, that's good. That's lucky. I was just saying to myself, that's very lucky because I'm about to go on holiday tomorrow afternoon. And I'd like you to change this money, please. All right. Okay. Well, give me how much money do you want to change?

All of this, whatever. You count it. Okay, just put it through the slot. I'm putting it in the slot now. Thank you. Okay, just counting it now. Oh, hang on. Come here.

Let me count the money. One, two, three, four. Okay, so you've got £200 there. Now, come closer to the... Come close to the slot. Okay. Come close. Okay. okay no lean forward a little bit more all right right good now might you there this is where i tell you it's not a bureau

de change this is a bureau blamange and i'm going to come in your mouth sir there's 200 pounds worth of my innards all over your aghast face. Right. Is that the end of that scene, Paul? You've ruined it. That was it. I was trying to just do a Bureau Blamange gag. Yeah, I like that, actually.

Bureau Desplage. For me, that makes the cut. Good. Bureau Desplage. That's good as well. Bureau Del Splodge. Bureau Del splodge Read the letter, come on Just give me two minutes sir, I'll do the transaction

momentarily Oh It smells of fucking wet dog Right I was going about my daily business of working in a Bureau de Chant Oh, it smells of fucking wet dog. Right. I was going about my daily business of working in a bureau de charge in winter and doing NAFOR until an unassuming gentleman who was dressed modestly came to the counter and he was wanting to exchange euros to pounds, which at the time of 2008 was about 0.8 euros to the pound.

Right. which at the time of 2008 was about 0.8 euros to the pound, right? So he handed me 500 euros, which would have been about 400 pound. I did not give him 400 pound. I cannot to this day remember what fully happened that fateful day, but I do strongly remember him continuing to ask me if I was sure I was handed over 6,000 pounds for convenience that I was correct and he was wrong to question me. He handed the guy six grand. Read that back. So he handed me 500 euros, which would have been about 400 pound, but I did not give him 400 pound.

I cannot to this day remember what fully happened that fateful day, but I do remember. that fateful day but i do remember i do strongly remember him continuing to ask me if i was sure i was handed up to just six thousand pounds in full convenience that i was correct and he was wrong to question me dave is the thing dave just write a sentence mate it's just simple you just gotta say i didn't give four hundred pound i'm not sure what happened, but I think I gave him £6,000. Bloody hell. And he can strongly remember him continuing to ask me if I was sure as I handed up to just over £6,000 to him in full convenience that I was correct and he was wrong to question me. Not convenience.

It can't be the word. We're moving on from convenience now, mate. We're moving on. Okay. I was given a suspension while they worked out if I was cahoots with the guy and if I was running a scam. There was talk of legal action until it was found out that the guy had done this to varied success across the area,

and I was the lowest amount he'd managed to get away with. Wow. Of course I was still fired, but not for that, but because I was giving away points. I was in a supermarket where it was a penny a point to customers who were nice to me during my horrible glass cage experience. She was giving out free points to Tesco or Sainsbury's people. Well, that's all right.

Everyone can forgive him for that. So I kind of buried the lead somewhat because the title of the email was called The Day I Was Derren Browned on the Shop Floor. Oh, you Derren Browned him. That's crazy, though. It's a scam that people do, isn't it? It's one of the oldest scams in the book. But i don't understand is what was happening there was like you basically

he hands him the money convince him that he hands him the money and then there's a certain timing for it so you hand the money over and then you do something to distract them very quickly right at that point where he's just counted the money then you distract them right and then and then and then so what then you say oh i no wait mate i gave you six grand and you went yes what and you go no i gave you six grand then and you think what did i yeah it was yeah so i need four thousand euros yeah okay what a yeah that's it it's a tote it's a grift isn't it in fact it's very it's very similar to the opening of the um the grifters by jim thompson which i recently read he a 10. He gives a 10, and then it's about getting the change, so he can't get the right change, and then he does get the right change,

and by that time, he's grabbed back the original note. Do you see? It's more complicated than what this one is, but it's a similar thing. But people take advantage of that confusion, especially if you're working in a shop all day, or in this case, in a glass cubicle. You can see how it's easy to do, because it all becomes very mechanical and automatic, what you're working in a shop all day, or in this case, in a glass cubicle, you can see how it's easy to do because it all becomes very mechanical and automatic, what you're doing. Do you see what I mean?

And it's that border area of actually being aware and conscious of what the number is and also it being on automatic. And it's the area between those two different brain states that they sort of, grifters take advantage of. Because this is the thing, isn't it? It's like, it says also he'd done it across the area to varied success and it makes me wonder there's just how many people have lost their jobs because of this fucking guy who's gone in yeah fucked around with them walked out with a lot of money and these people have been held accountable in some respects or even you know held to blame yeah suspected of criminality yeah and it also just confirms to me that people who go, oh, I learned NLP,

they're the biggest fucking dickheads on the planet. It's just, I just hate that, though. I just genuinely hate that kind of exploitative manner of people who can, like, use their... I mean, I get it. I get grifting. I get that it's a thing and it's a game or whatever. But, like, when you see how the people who tend to go on about it so much

are the kind of people I least want to spend time with without sticking a a tweezer in someone's eye no it's unpleasant and especially that it's it's nasty it's just a nasty thing to do isn't it yeah and it would be horrible you wouldn't be able to get away with that the bureau displodge would you hello sir i definitely gave you he definitely gave me what this Go on. Sir, I'm sorry. This is half a teaspoon. No. No, I definitely gave you a mug. I can show you it in the vial

with the measuring calibration on the side. And that is a half a teaspoon, which is the normal amount of spunk. I don't see... Have you got an elephant there? An elephant spunking in here? Sir, I gave you a mug of spunk. I would like a bowl of spunk in return for my bureau de sploge transaction.

I'm sorry, sir. You couldn't produce a bowl of spunk with those little shriveled walnuts. Sir, I'm going to stand here until I see you. See you birth my exchange. Well, I'm shatting up shop. I'm going to watch you. I'm closing the bureau de sploge. You can't do this.

It's my lunch. I demand my bureau de splodge. I want a tankard of your man fizz. I'm not doing this anymore, Paul. I can't do this anymore. Scene. I'm a jizz grifter. I'm a jizz grifter.

Paul, I want to... Here comes the jizz grifter i'm a jizz grifter paul i want it comes the jizz grifter murder up now paul the other thing i wanted to mention thank you dave what i wanted to thanks dave yeah i wanted to mention about nlp because you brought it up do you know that it's all bullshit yeah and none of it has been scientifically verified i'll just say that it's it's pseudo scientific at best all of that stuff oh i'm definitely aware of that because it's all it's all basically the same shit you see in the game it's the same kind of thought process yeah no the game tried to use it but there's all this stuff these rules they said

like if someone's remembering something that was not true that their eyes go in a certain direction or they're remembering a real thing their eyes goes in another direction not true at all it's not true just not true depends different people look different ways when they're thinking of different things you know know? Yeah. Good. Very good. Now, I'm trying to look for source just to save the end of this segment, Paul, but there's no source in sight.

Can you rescue this? Because it's been quite a reasonably serious discussion on, you know, scams and grifting and the exploitation of people. It's been a bit more girthy when it comes to thoughts and stuff. Have you ever worked in... Fuck me. Fuck me, Elon. Seriously, my brain is having

so much fucking trouble today thinking of words, descriptive words. Yeah. I'm helping. I'm trying to help you, okay? I'm here for you. I know.

I had a little... Just bring back Storytime Grandad and we'll end with that. Well, he is just here. That's where I am right now. I'm willing. He's just here. I am right now. I'm willing. It's just here. I can actually bring it back if you want.

Yeah. Yeah. All right. Uh, Mr. Mr. Granddad come over. Yes.

Yes, sir. It's time for your story. Yeah. Okay. Oh, so it'd be. So I am here.

So, so, so I am. Oh, is that Paul over there in the, in the little picture there? Yes. Hello. Hello. Hey, listen, I've heard you've got a new job. Ah, so I do. Oh, is that Paul over there in the little picture there? Yes, hello.

Hello. Hey, listen, I've heard you've got a new job. Ah, so I do. Yeah. You're working in the Ball Bag Dishonge. Bureau Del Splodge. No, you can't work there. It's the Ball Bag Dishonge.

Is it? Oh, yeah, that's right. Sorry, the memory's not so good. So it isn't no more, no more. So it's not. Yeah. It's really weird seeing you do the character on camera. Board bag exchange, yeah.

You know, it's a job. It's not the best job I ever had. But I tell you what, Paul, so I do. There is a lot of genitals lying around. Bull genitals. I actually, you know what I haven't got any more stories right in the moment so I don't

so I'm just going to go home I'm sorry Paul did you want me to put Eli back on so you did did you yeah put Eli back on alright lad I'll go then so I shall I'll go quickly now did you? Yeah, put Eli back on. Alright then. Alright lad. Alright. I'll go then. So I shall. I'll go.

I'm going off. Quickly now. Alright. Bye then. There he goes. Eli, come back. I'm here. I'm back Paul. Bye Grandad. Story time. Love it. Love it. Love a bit of him. We shouldn't really call him Story Time Grandad. We should just call him Bull Bag Cannibal Grandad. Because he doesn't really tell any stories. And it's mostly about testicle cannibalism.

Well, I thought I was quite moved by his story. He was on the front. He was freezing to death and he had to eat his enemy's bollocks. Mate, no one is going to stand outside their garden at seven o'clock in the evening and clap for story time grandad. Do you know what I mean?

They should though. They're not gonna. Fuck me me let's end this segment i will end it we're ending i know sauce no nothing no characters ending it you said i just want to say you said stand outside their garden what do you mean stand outside your garden how do you your garden is outside how do you stand outside your garden oh dear i've already admitted i've already admitted i'm a How do you stand outside your garden? You know what? Fuck off. Oh, dear. I've already admitted I'm a sentence failure today. Stand outside my garden. Get easy on me. Fuck off. Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to batten down the hatches,

strap yourselves in, for it is time for an update to our semi-regular, but not really these days anyway, but when we're desperate for content, we'll pull it out the bag. It is... No Watch! Dun-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da No watch. Have you seen Noel? Have you seen Noel? Have you seen Noel? Have you seen Noel? Noel's around. Noel's around.

Is there a Noel here? Is there a Noel here? Noel in the area. Noel in the area. Is there a Noel here? Is there a Noel here? Noel in the area. Noel alert.

You've been nolled. Right, so... I'm going to get... Get your Noel out. Get your hairy Noel out. Whip your big wobbly Noel out. Get your bearded Noel out. Show us your hairyoll out. Get your hairy knoll out. Whip your big wobbly knoll out. Get your bearded knoll out. Show us your hairy Edmonds. Show us your purple hairy bearded Edmonds.

Shaven Edmonds. Ooh, shaven Edmonds. Ooh, delicious. What have you got? What have you got, Paul? Excuse me. I would like a packet of shaven Edmonds, please. I'm sorry, sir. We're not that kind of shop.

Oh, it's the Bureau de Splonge. I got it wrong. Well, I'm shutting up now anyway. Good night. Good day to you. God, these Bureau de Splonge's are shit. Keep closing. We're going to start off with the reason why we're

doing this. So in the PO box today, not today, recently, in the PO box recently, I got a letter and a vinyl record. The vinyl record came with a letter, and that letter says this. Hello, Paul and Eli. Boom, I win. Okay, you win. Hello.

Who is this? Oh, I'm gone. May I begin by addressing the order in which people typically address you? Paul and Eli has much better flow than Eli and Paul, which is just jarring. Even Paul McCartney conceded that Lennon and McCartney work better than McCartney and Lennon. It's true. Okay, well, if I'm getting compared to the Lennon, the McCartney, rather, in this partnership, I'll take that. He was much better McCartney, wasn't he?

I don't give two fucks, if I can be honest with you, when it comes lennon and mccartney no i do know even gannon and silverman sounds better yeah gannon and silverman sounds better yeah but that makes us sound like a comedy double act on fucking itv's big night fat and slightly less fat that could be our name yeah i'll put i'm gonna put some novelty sunglasses on in a second do it all right i just firstly how do you like this do you like this I'm going to put some novelty sunglasses on in a second. Do it. All right, I'll just firstly... How do you like this? Do you like this?

Oh, boy, I've seen your tits. Put your tits away. Put your tits away. Oh, you like it then. How do you like that? One. Oh! Just one tit.

Oh! I wish this podcast had the HR department. Here we go. Put your shades on. All right. So anyway, here we go. The letter continues. This is from Stu, a.k.a. Milky. Put your shades on. So anyway, here we go. The letter continues. This is from Stu

aka Milky. And the letter says this. I know that Edmunds isn't always the most welcome arrival in your inbox, but I hope you can find a place in the pod for the funny phone calls part two. I gave you the first copy on Violin Cheap Show 100, which

seems so long ago now. I remember that though i remember we do we've got both copies now we've got a full set of edmunds is is there a third volume of it or is it luckily just the two no but the other piece of extremely i i cherish there's a piece of edmunds vinyl i cherish is that you remember that weird yeah um seven, which was for Cards Day, National Seller Card Day. And he does a whole side of utter shit going, yeah. He does this whole pandering, disingenuous fucking, hey, hey, it's a birthday. Why don't give them the gift of your thoughts this year with this lovely song that I've chosen specifically to cheer up your day.

And he's also on that record with that Barclays Bank thing, isn't he, as well? So we've got two others. We do, and that ended up being a really good song, that one on the Barclays Bank's vinyl, whatever it was. I remember we were genuinely surprised it was a decent track. Were they called Earth or Life or something like that, that group? Oh, fuck knows.

That's why they never got anywhere. It's a terrible name. Yeah, unrememberable. Right, the letter continues to say, Oh, fuck knows. That's why they never got anywhere. It's a terrible name. Yeah. Unrememberable. Right. The letter continues to say, It is my intention to send you one package per month for the duration of 2021. Bloody hell.

Feel free to use whatever comes your way. However, you see fit, and I hope you both have a throth-filled and noodle-filled year. Thank you, Stu. Thank you, Stu. Look at his face on the cover. Look at Noel Edmonds. Cheery, fucking happy face i mean i've seen more smug shots of him to be honest paul it's not he's

he's put the smug down to five out of ten and the sort of fresh face doesn't he isn't he chummy isn't he fucking chummy yeah right so if anyone doesn't remember basically we did an album uh full of what we didn't do an album noel, we did an album full of, well, we didn't do an album. Noel Edmund made an album full of his most funny phone calls from his, was it his breakfast show? Yeah, must be. Yeah. And released as a comedy album. And if you heard that episode, whatever episode number that is,

as you can probably remember, they were very poor quality pranks. A lot of people weren't all that bothered. You know, it was more like people just going, oh, really? And then they go, it's me, Noel! And they go, oh. Yeah. of people weren't all that bothered you know it was more like people just going oh really and then they go it's me no and they go uh yeah hello like the tired eventuality of a noel edmunds prank call it was just something that rested uneasy on the mind paul the fact of the matter was if you were in the 70s and you worked in a small to medium-sized business you know it was just a sort

of occupational hazard to get a prank call from noel you know what i mean it happened all the time twice a week sometimes it's like jury duty you just get noticed like you will be part of an old edmunds funny phone call in the following few weeks please make yourself available and make sure your job knows of your whereabouts yeah it was very common and it shows in the weariness in the the prankies voices but paul just before we go forward i just wanted to mention this this never let it be said that cheap show deals in pure fripperies and trivia because i read a news article this week that some guy a youtube pranker which are the worst kind of prankers there are but one has been shot to death in america doing a sort of I'm stealing from you prank.

A shot to death? Being shot to death. He was on his camera going, I'm going to pretend to steal from you. And then he got riddled with bullets. Yeah, that's the story. So pranking can have, you know, just let that be a lesson. I mean, I don't know. I mean, it's a very severe lesson to learn.

I mean, don't get me wrong. For as much as I hate pranksters, they probably don't deserve to be shot. No, no, absolutely not. But still, it just goes to show, you know, you've got to watch out when you're pranking. And Noel, Noel is, you know, he's dodged a bullet on this one, hasn't he? For years. Yeah, he's evaded the law on more than one occasion hasn't he yes exactly no he's not a murderer we make fun he's more kind of just deeply irresponsible yeah and negligent to the to in a sort of murderous level sort of thing can we say that can be can be in very dark situations yes like if i starved you

to death or something if i had you if i had you imprisoned in a in a bureau de change booth day and night and you only could eat my semen and then i slowly decreased the amount of semen i was feeding you paul slowly and then you'd starve to death. That'd be a negligent murder, wouldn't it? Wouldn't let you out. That's the most traumatising thing you've said to me. Ever. Fucking hell. Like, you'd lock me in a small glass booth

and slowly feed me sperm until you decide to take that sperm away from me, therefore starving to death. And what, I'm begging on the glass. Eli, Eli, give me your sperm, I'm dying. Fucking horrible existence. You wouldn't call it that. You'd call it the magic paste

because you'd be conditioned to believe there was something else. Eli, I need some Bureau Blamange all over me. Oh, come on, stick with this. Tell me about Noel. Well, it's another album full of more funny phone calls. He's got a bit of blurb on the back, so shall I read that out? Yeah.

Here we go. These funny phone calls have proved to be the most successful aspect of my broadcasting career. Oh. Asterix, up until this point in 1981. And he's always blowing his own horn, isn't he? He's always tooting away at his own trumpet. Fucking hell.

Radio presenters, especially at that period, all they did was blow their horn because they were a brand almost. You know what I mean? You knew what you were getting with a Kenny Everett show. You knew what you were getting with a Dave Lee Travis show. You knew what you were getting with a Noel Edmund show. They were a brand within the branding of the BBC in those instances. Yes, but still, they didn't need to be so full of themselves.

Dave Lee Travis is terrible. We've covered him. And also, that clip of Noel... Mike Reid. Do you remember that clip of Noel that was going around a few months ago that's come to light in the accidentally partridge... It was on the accidental partridge Twitter account. And it was him...

What was the video? It's his American show. No, it's Crinkly Bottom. What's it called? House Party or whatever. And he does his monologue at the beginning to the audience. And he's complaining about a news article which said the show wasn't funny or said it's something about it. And he goes, and he's like going, actually, we've got the highest rated figures on BBC.

Thank you very much for whatever he's talking about. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, the one we spoke about about 100 episodes ago when we first brought it up. Sorry, sorry. Sorry, I'm trying to do content, man. Kids, don't use drugs. But the thing is, no, you're right, though,

because, like, apparently he's moved to New Zealand now because he got scammed and it made him very depressed and he was very sad. So he's moved to uh new zealand now uh because he got scammed and that and it made him very depressed and he was very sad so he's moved he hates britain so he's moved to uh new zealand but he's promised them he won't be inflicting blobby or his tricks on them he said he'll behave okay when he's down there yeah they'll sling him out if he tries any of that shit won't they try to build a theme park or something yeah well they probably more likely lumped with him. It was like,

oh, I'm just visiting. I'm Noel Edmonds, just visiting. Lockdown happens. COVID. And all of a sudden, he's like, maybe I'll stay here

a bit longer. And they're like, nah, mate, you can go if you want. With your taxi full of fucking fake women. Paul, if you were

conspiracy minded, you'd say that he was moving closer to the South Pole, where he's closer and could be in closer contact with the Elder Gods that all live inside the Hollow Earth. Oh, then. Do you think he's going to bring about the apocalypse

in a kind of Lovecraftian way? Could do. He could do. His beard definitely could get all spongy and stuff. At the mountains of Crinkly Bottom or something. I don't know. Blobby is very Cthulian, isn't he? Yeah, it is, isn't it? Yeah.

The neck. Oh, got it. The neck. No, no, no. Excellent. Now play me a bloody prank then. All right. So hang on.

I'll read the letter out. So he goes, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, my broadcasting career. And the liner notes continue. Throughout each series of my Radio 1 Sunday show, I receive literally tens of thousands of letters from people nominating their friends and relatives as my next victims. Oh. Bob down the pub. He likes a joke. You know what he don't like, Noel? He don't like foreigners.

Why don't you call up and pretend to be a foreigner and you're taking his job? Why don't you do that, Noel? He don't like foreigners and he runs a guest house and he's got one of those signs up, Noel. Why don't you make fun of that, Noel? Yeah, I bet there's ones that didn't make it. And then Noel calls up doing the worst Indian accent in the world.

Yeah. Hilarity prevails. Okay, I am most grateful not only to the listeners who appear on this recording, but also those listeners who have made Noel's funny phone calls such an overwhelming success. I'd telephone you personally

with my thanks, but you'd probably not believe that it was me. That's what he says. Noel Edmonds. 1982, October. Oh, God. Do you want to hear a bit? Yeah, I'd like to hear a bit. All right, because there are That's what he says 1982 October Oh god Do you want to hear a bit?

Yeah, I'd like to hear a bit There are 13 tracks And I'll read them out and you pick the one out you want to listen to Based on the title alone, okay? Okay, gotcha Side one has The Ceiling, The Washing Machine, The Impressionist Lady Rowers, The Mole Catcher Registration Plates, Cosmetic Surgery.

That's side one. Side two. The Shocking Telephone, Crutches, Netball Knickers, Mrs. Cockshot, DIY Traffic Lights or The Siamese Cat Meeting. Can I have side one again, sorry? Go down quickly. Ceiling, the washing machine, the impressionist, lady rowers, mole catcher. Mole catcher. All right, well, let's try that one then.

That's track four. One, two, three, four. All right, here we go. Oh, I love that reaction. Now to Mr John Thomas. Mr Thomas was expecting my call. His next-door neighbour had warned him that he'd actually managed to locate a mole catcher who could ring one Sunday morning. It was a cunning piece of pre-planning, which meant that Mr Thomas fell hook, line and sinker.

Nice to be Mr John Thomas, please. Yes, speaking. It's a lovely thought, isn't it? All these bangers going off and all these huge holes. I must admit, you frightened me to death. God almighty. You know what? I mean... You know what?

He does... I know he's not exactly phone jacker. No, he does do a reasonable job of sounding convincing, but it's so mundane. That's it, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, he's... It's just... It's believable but it's so mundane. That's it, isn't it? Yeah. It's believable because it's so boring and it's sort of like,

I don't know, it's just not a great prank, is it? No. I wonder if you try and just find another one, what that impressionist one was like, or there's one called The Shocking Telephone. Let's see what that is on the other side. This is my very favourite telephone call. When I started to make it, I was not very optimistic about my chances of pulling it off, particularly because it was in three parts. Mrs Wendy Tuck has

a problem with her phone. She keeps hearing dial-a-disc in the background, so she's very when the engineer phones up. Morning. Can I speak to Mrs Wendy Tuck, please? Oh, excuse me. Speaking. Morning. It's Post Office Engineers here. I understand you've been having problems with your phone and the dialer disc. You're getting music. Oh, God blimey. Hang on. I'm not awake yet. Oh, sorry. What the dickens is the time?

Pardon? Twenty to ten. I've overslept. Um, sorry, what did you say? You're having problems with your, um, your phone. You're getting music down your phone, I believe. Well, no. Well, I haven't got it now. I've got men talking.

You've got what? Sorry? I tried to make a phone call Friday. Oh, God, when was it? Friday night. Yeah. And I got two men chatting away call Friday. Oh, God, when was it? Friday night. Yeah. And I got two men chatting away about football. All right.

So I'm not getting the music quite so often. Right, well, we're working on that part of the exchange this morning. Can you... That's Malcolm, isn't it? What? That's Malcolm. My name's Brian. Oh, sorry.

Oh, all right, sorry. Can you avoid using the phone for about the next 20 minutes or so, because we'll be working on it. Yeah, OK. The point is, it mustn't be used, because we're working in the area that if it's used, someone will get an electric shock, right? Pardon?

We've got to be very careful. We'll get an electric shock if you use your phone. So can you avoid using it for 20 minutes, and I think we'll probably be able to sort the problem. All right? I'll ring you back in about 25 minutes or so. Yeah, OK. But don't use the phone, please. Electric shock?

We get an electric shock if you pick the phone up. All right? Oh, OK, then. I'll ring you back when we've cleared it. Right, thanks so much. Bye. Bye. OK, so I've told her that I'll be ringing her back

in about 20, 25 minutes, but obviously the idea is I ring her back within about five minutes. Now, will she pick up the phone? PHONE RINGS Hello? Ah! Oh, back! I just love that. The way she just threw the telephone down.

Well, I've obviously now got to call her back. Hello? Mrs Tuck? Yeah, are you all right? Oh, I did ask Mrs Tuck not to pick it up. Well, it... Oh, dear. Are you all right? Well, it gave me a bit of a fright. Oh, you gave... Was it you that screamed?

Yeah, lucky I got rubber boots on. Well, I don't think it's that funny. I did ask, didn't I? It's not easy. I mean, you wouldn't like to be working on a Sunday morning. Well, I'm surprised you are working Sundays, because when I rang them up last weekend, they said you don't work Saturdays or Sundays. Maybe not on installations, but on engineering at the exchange we do. I had the screwdriver in one hole and me finger in the other, and you completed the circuit.

I'm glad you find it funny, love. Anyway... Sorry. Well, I just like to take a lithium, because you Anyway... Sorry. But I've just had to take a lithium because you frightened me. Well, all right, look. Have you sorted it out? Well, does it sound any better? No, I've got a crackle on it now.

Not surprised. You've probably got blood on it as well. You seem to take this very lightly. You could really have done me a mischief there. Well, you're all intact, aren't you? What? You're all intact. Well, my hands are shaking a bit. So is mine.

Look, er... No, the thing is, am I going to be charged for this dialer disc? You know, every time I pick up the phone... No, you won't be. I might charge you for the shock you give me, but you won't be charged for the dialer disc. Oh. Look here, um...

Hopefully the tweaking, the work I've just done has worked. I can't even write my handshake in here. So is mine. Look, you make a note of my name and number. Yeah, hang on, I've got a piece of paper. And then if there's any further problem, I'll deal with it. Okay, so I won't be getting Rob Stewart

and Meatloaf again. You'll be getting the Electric Light Orchestra if you give me another shot. That's all right, I like them. All right, are you ready? Yes. You've got a pen? Yeah, but I've got a 100, don't I? No, no, no. Make a note of my name first otherwise

you'll get somebody else right I'm Noel Edmonds from radio one no I'm not Good morning. Good morning. Oh, gosh, now I am shaking. That still is my all-time favourite, what that lady went through when she thought that she had electrocuted me. Anyway, working on the principle that everybody loves it when I get caught out, here's a trio of calls in which I completely fail to fool anybody.

Let's start with Peter Bennison, who, following a cartilage operation, borrowed some crutches from the hospital. He returned them when he could walk again, but he just left them in the hospital corridor without telling anybody that he'd brought them back. Good morning. Can I speak to Mr Peter? There you go. That's all right, that one. That's all right, that one. It's very dated. It really shows its age because dial-a-disk was what?

When you used to ring up and you could get the radio on the phone. Is that what that was? Oh, was that what that was? Yeah, that's dial-a-disk. It was like an automated call or something. No, it's... I don't remember that. That is showing its age then. You can phone up and you can get like the top 40 or whatever.

You get the... I remember that my sisters used to do it they'd like call up when it first came out it says here on a website called do you remember it says dial a disc was a telephone service provided for the by the post office beginning in the 60s you simply dial the number 16 on your telephone and the current pop tune would be played down the line the tune would be different every day and played between 6pm and 6am all day on Sunday. Wow, that's good, isn't it? Per day.

What I remember is probably a later iteration of a similar thing, but you used to get an actual radio station, like a pop radio station. I think it might have been even Capital. You could dial for Capital, yeah. Oh, wow. I'd never heard of that before. That's all brand new to me. What made me

laugh about that one was every time he'd say all right now if you just give me electric shock she'd go i know she was like a like very ghoulish wasn't it like she actually got some kind of pleasure from it yeah she's like oh oh i like it when i zap no led edmunds and also it was very revealing paul that she said oh i'm not gonna get any more yeah i'm not gonna get any more meatloaf and rod stewart am i and he and then he goes no i've got electric life and she goes no i like them so you got a little window into sort of what she was into and stuff they are snapshots aren't, of a very particular time. The thing is, though, from all the piss-taking I do of this type of radio and of Noel Edmonds,

I do miss it because I don't think radio's got the same charm anymore. For all of its, you know, awkward bits and bobs, it just lacks that charm. It totally does. It's pure, just oral mouthwash. I mean, aural mouthwash. Because it feels like the presenters, well, yeah, it feels more like the presenters

are there to give the brand an identity, where in the past it was like the presenters were the identity of certain times of the day throughout the show, and they would vary. The presenters were the identity of certain times of the day throughout the show. And they would vary. The personality was the identity. But now the personality of the presenters is totally subsumed by the sort of corporate brand.

Do you know what I mean? And they all sound the same. The sound of it. The links. It all sounds the same. And it's all this. No, they,

everyone wants their stations to sound the same. So if you're flipping stations, you might stick with them because it doesn't fucking matter who cares anyway. It all sounds the same shit. Yeah, it's awful. I hate to say this, but I'd much rather, I would much rather listen to a Noel Edmonds Sunday breakfast show than anything on there right now.

Yeah, I know, I know. And I'm sorry for that statement. I know, mate. Sad. Saying that, I would never listen to Dave Lee Travis under any circumstances. Because you remember when we read that bit of his, like, that Top of the Pops annual, we read that bit of his, like, that Top of the Pops annual, we read a bit of his blurb from that

about how he wanted to be huge on Saturday nights and his whole thing about being on German TV and screwing the lens. Pure sociopathy coming off the page. Heady, heady sociopathy. Anyway, I'd much rather have Noel in my ears than Dave Lee Travis. That's what it comes down to.

You know what? I stand by Noel. my ears than Dave Lee Travis. That's what it comes down to. You know what? I stand by Noel. Good. Well done, Paul. You've got to the end of another episode of Cheap Show. In fact, from now on, this is a pro-Noel podcast. Is it? I've decided.

Right now, we're pro-Noel. Pro-Noelo. El-bo-no-no-lo. Pro-bo-no-no. I've got it, Paul. I've got it. Pro Bono Nolo. I've got it, Paul. I've got it. Pro Bolo Nolo. Pro Bono Nolo.

Pro Nolo Bono. How about that? Pro Nolo Bono. Come on, let's get out of here. Right, that's it. Thank you for joining us once again on Cheap Show. If you'd like to see any pictures or videos that may accompany this episode, you can go to our website, thecheapshow.co.uk.

And there is a one-stop shop as well for anything else Cheap Show related you want to try out. For instance, you can go to our YouTube channel from there. You can buy our official Cheap Show merch page stuff there as well, where you can buy logos and whatnot and exclusive little bits that me and Eli have done. We've also got Tony's beautiful, wonderful merch page for all kinds of designs and artwork to slap all over your body. And also, event has opened up the Cheap Show magazine orders again. Links to all of those places on our main website. You can also go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show,

where if you fancy it, you can give us a little bit of money so we can crack on keeping on doing this lovely little show. And if you'd like to support us with P.O. Box stuff, send it into the show. Go to P.O. Box 1309 Harrow H-A-1-9-Q-J. And I think that's it in a nutshell, isn't it? What about my Twitter fucking handle, mate? You've left me out. Oh, yeah, we haven't done Twitter.

I haven't done Twitter at all. You can follow us on Twitter, where we're quite chatty, at The Cheap Show Pod. I'm Matt Paul Gannon Show, and Eli is... Eli Snowid, which is spelled E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. Thank you very much. And we're on Instagram and Facebook and Tumblr. Just look for Cheap Show or Cheap Show Pod.

You'll probably find us eventually. Something to do with it during lockdown. Look for Cheap Show social media. I just can't stop thinking about your scrunchy fingers in the nitly in the licorice pot. I had my fingers deep into plastic Fred's head. Paul, they're bringing back Games Master. I've heard that, yeah.

You're going to try and go on it? It will probably be shit and full of stand-ups. Well, you could have a chance going on it then. Yeah, true. Good point. I don't know. I don't know. For people who care, great.

I don't care. All right, bloody hell. Someone said, oh, Biffo should present it on Twitter. And I honestly think that would be the least interesting thing for Biffo to want to do. Yeah, but it would be a good gig in terms of money and recognition. We should just say, fuck off, Games Master,

and get them to fund the proper series of Digitizer, and we'll do that again. All right. I didn't want to get all pod political here at the end. Can I just say, what I like this week, Paul,

is the word scrunge. Scrunge is good, and I will always take away Bureau de Splodge. What's the shortlist for the titles for this week's episode, Paul? I think already it's going to be Bureau de Splodge. I think I'm committed to that. I think it should be Bureau Del Splodge. Del Splodge.

Bureau Del Splodge. Yeah. It could even be, I don't know, Pro Bono Nolo. You should call it Nol's Bureau Delplodge. DelSplodge. BureauDelSplodge. Yeah. It could even be, I don't know, Pro Bono Nolo. You should call it Knowles Bureau DelSplodge. Knowles Bureau DelSplodge. Thank you very much. I thank you. Right, well, let's say goodbye now, Eli, and see everyone next week for more Cheap Show Larks.

Thanks, everybody. Bye. Bye. Bye-bye. cheap show locks thanks everybody bye bye bye bye