CheapShow - Ep 218: Beans!

Episode Date: February 19, 2021

It's was meant to be a podcast about beans. Could Eli possibly taste the difference between the classic Heinz Baked Beans and some cheap "off brand" alternatives? It should have been simple, but there is a shocking twist and a terrible reveal this week that could cause major problems for CheapShow later on down the line! In amongst the narrative carnage, the cheap chaps find time to roll out a pretty typical Tales from the Shop Floor and pack in a Gannon's Golden Games. It's... It's not one of his best, but if you want to hear Eli try to impersonate 6 different 80s UK Light Entertainers, then are you in for a treat! Be Afraid, be VERY afraid! Oh, and you can NOW listen to Urinevision 2020 on Bandcamp... For Free! Enjoy! https://cheapshowpodcast.bandcamp.com/album/urinevision-2020-the-album And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-218-beans If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Also, you can NOW see Eli star in "Ashens & The Polybius Heist", download it from here: https://www.watchpolybiusheist.com MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop https://www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Paul is writing a book! Want to help make it happen? https://unbound.com/books/ghosts/ Send Us Stuff CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Have you done five seconds? Don't look at me like that! I'm not telling you a thing. Sit down. Have we started? Have we? Fucking what? I've not... Sit down. Class is about to begin and I'm going to school your ass. Oh yeah?

What with? With my majestic company. Just the very fact that I exist is enough for you to sit down. You've started the podcast, haven't you, Paul? Yes, I have. Right, hello, everybody. Hello, everybody. Welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast. We go through the bargain bins, the charity shops and pound lands of Great Britain,

and we go looking for the treasure amongst the trash. That's good, yeah. Well done. I thought you might have said something. You know what? I don't know. More interesting. This is where I'm always at at this point in the recording, Paul. Yeah. Because you've gone, ooh, are we starting? I don't know. More interesting. This is where I'm always at at this point in the recording, Paul.

Yeah. Because you've gone, ooh, are we starting? I don't know. Ooh, and then you give me a weird look and fucking put me off, basically. Why don't you put your foot down and take control and maybe lead for once in your miserable, hairy, short existence. Shall I lead? Why don't you lead?

Well, let's just forget that. You set the tone. Frankly, mediocre rendition of the opening gambit. And I'll have a go at the gambit. You gambit away. I'll have a go at the spiel. Yeah, hobbit away. No, just remind me before I start.

Yeah, of what facts that you should know for five years. We say cheap show, me, you. And then what do we say? The economy comedy podcast where we go through the bargain bins, the charity shops and pound lands of Great Britain and look for the treasure amongst the trash. What about for your ears? Do you say that anymore? Sometimes. It depends on my mood.

It's up to you. You take control, mate. This is up to you now. Eli Silverman sets the tone for Cheap Show, episode 218. Here we go. Hello. Welcome to Cheap Show. I'm Eli Silverman.

Here's Paul Gannon. This is the show where we go through the bargain bins, the basements and the discount stores where we find the treasure amongst the trash. And it's the podcast, Economy Comedy podcast for your ears. Well, that was probably the worst version of that I've heard in a while. But because it came out of your mouth, tumbling out across your fat tongue onto my lovely delicate... Don't look at the camera. It's not on. Don't give the office type of sides to a camera that's not there. Don't look at the camera. It's not on. Don't give the office

type of sides to a camera that's not there. I'm going to shrug. Look, I'm shrugging everybody. It's just at this point. It's probably best.

I'll try it one more time. No, it's probably best if we just go to the credits, if we just put the theme music in right now. I'll give it a hard

one. I'll give it a good, hard, clean one. Okay? Hello, everybody. You've never had a clean one. What do you mean I've never had a clean one what do you mean i've never

had a clean one usually are you now you're now you're fucking now you're saying stuff about my personal hygiene yeah let me tell you something i use dr bonner's tea tree extract soap and i scrubbed it and i scrubbed it up dr boners yeah dr bonners people who are into soap who are who are cognizant of the soap scene Mr Bonner soaps you up does he no he doesn't with his tea tree

lotion lotion oh fuck welcome to Cheap Show fuck you lotion I hate you and your fucking

noodle posse people love noodles Go J! People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap Show. Off-brand, brand-on, off-brand, brand-on. Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap. Cheap Show. It's the Price of Shite. Paul Gannon.

Eli Silverman. Welcome to Cheat Show. And I go and I nuzzle. Loishen. Loishen. I'm going to cover you in my loishen. Yeah, we are back in the room. So welcome to Cheap Show.

So this week we have two segments, one of which we haven't really done properly in a while. I'm looking forward to that. That is a off-brand brand off. Yeah. Exciting times. I don't know. You know, we're getting the call at some point he's working through a very difficult schedule at the moment paul i know but he does have his ways he's doing

dead drops that's how i'm getting the messages now what are dead drops it's where you you drop you drop something and it's got a message on it's spycraft it's uh right what do they call it i don't know work craft what do they call it what are you't know. Workcraft. What do they call it? What are you talking about? You know, when you're a spy. Right, spy work. Spycraft. But it's not called craft. They don't call it spycraft.

They might. No, because everyone would go, what are you saying spycraft for? Are you a spy or something? Hello, welcome to QVC. This hour is spycraft. Look at this lovely bowl with James Bond painted on. 007.

Licensed to thrill. A party for a dinner selection. Oh, can I get that on Etsy? Yes, you can. It is only £39.99 and you can get it now. If you buy now, you get this Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy T-shirt. I was in the market for a wicker basket in the shape of a submarine. We do not do those because they are not, strictly speaking, spycraft. What do you mean it's not a spycraft? It's a submarine. We do not do those because they are not, strictly speaking,

spy craft. What do you mean it's not a spy craft? It's a submarine. I don't know why I'm on the TV, love. I don't know who you're talking to, love.

I don't know who I am. So yeah, we're doing that. So Brandoff, we might expect... All I'm saying, a dead drop, Paul, is where a spy... Right.

Oh yeah, that. Gets a message to someone else by dropping, you know, it's in a hole in a tree on Hampstead Heath or something. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You just have to be careful which hole you pick. Yeah, here we go. Someone full of old cum spam.

So then someone else comes along and picks it up. Yeah, it's a dead drop. But, you know, for information or microfiche or something like that. So someone who works for Brandoff has been leaving notes in trees on Hampstead Heath for you to collect in the dark. Basically, yes. Okay, good to know. By the pond.

And what's the latest message? The ladies' pond. The bathing pond. Yes, the ladies' bathing pond. And as you can see, it's difficult for me to go in there undercover. That's why you have to go at night, isn't it? Yes. And take your clothes off.

And have a little swim. And have a little swim. I don't think there's a fucking dead drop there at all. I do. I come in there undercover. That's where you have to go at night, isn't it? Yes. And take your clothes off. And have a little swim. And have a little swim. I don't think there's a fucking dead drop there at all. No, I do. I come in a tree. I come in the toad tree. You come in a toad...

You know what? I'm putting a stop to this. I'm putting a stop to this. And then I have a little midnight dippy dip. Skinny dip. On Hampstead Heath. And then I towel myself down.

Yeah. Making special sure that I've lost... This is me doing the move it along hand gesture. I'm waving to the camera. Camera's not on. Yeah. Making special sure that I've lost. This is me doing the move it along hand gesture. I'm waving to the camera. Camera's not on. All right.

Right, remember that. I've finished. Good. All I'm saying is... Yes, you have. Mr. Brandoff, he's out of jail, basically. Do you mean he's out of jail? He's out of jail.

He's not out of jail. He's been banged up for life. No, no, he got out, though. How did he get out? It's something to do with that magic curse. He's very shaky and weird. jail he's been banged up for life no no he got out though how did he get out it's about it's that something to do with that magic curse that is he's he's very shaky and weird and he seems to be inhabited by a different spirit altogether but right well this is two things i'm going to bring you up on one that's not canon christmas special fantasy episode two uh what do you mean that's

not canon listen you don't fucking decide what's canon. What's this out there? Secondly, he wasn't possessed by anything. If you'd listened to the actual episode. I'm inventing new lore where he is possessed. The only lore you're inventing is forlorn comments in my mind. All right, what have we got? Come on, give me something. So we're also going to be playing a Ganon's Golden Games as brought to you by successful new YouTube channel, Ganonland. Oh, Ganon's Golden Games, as brought to you by successful new YouTube channel, Ganonland.

Oh, Ganonland Golden Games. Actually, before we go on, we've already had two entries for our Eurovision 2021. Oh, heating up already. Quick plan of attack. It looks like we're going to be doing this live on Friday.

I think it's the 21st of May, which is the Friday directly before the Saturday night Eurovision competition. So we're going to go out live like we did episode 200, on Twitch if the lockdown, you know, if all that comes to pass, then we will be doing a live Eurovision 2021.

We've already got two entries and we're looking for songs of any sort, but you get extra points if they're based on Cheap Show in some way. Ideally, but, you know, it's not a law. One minute minimum, two minute maximum. I think that's about fine. Yeah, I think that's about right. I'd say one minute 30 to two minutes. All right. Right. That's not a law. One minute minimum, two minute maximum. Is that what you're saying? I think that's about fine. Yeah, I think that's about right. I'd say one minute 30 to two minutes. All right.

Right? That's what I think. If you've got a gem that's only a minute, I mean, in and out. No, all I'm saying is I don't want to press play. I mean, I've done it, I'm out. I don't want to just hit press play and then there's a five second track of you going,

re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-spoffy. Yeah. We don't need that. Listen, do you know what? I don't say spoff anymore. Can I just let this be known? I don't talk about Spoff. I never talked about Spoff.

It was you. It was you all along. I'm going to say Spaff or Sladge from now on. I'm going to say Grizzly Gizzardfish. Gizzardfish. Yeah, me Grizzly Gizzardfish. What, is that your knob? Well, that's not what we're talking about.

We're talking about Sputnik. No, I don't call my penis the Grizzly Fizzle Sputnik. Here we go. here we go. Here we go. We both know what we're talking about, right? So, we're doing Ganondorf games.

I'm sick of spoff. Just spoff this, spoff that. That's all I'm saying. Right, good. I'm moving forward. And we are attempting to play a game today based on a Channel 4 quiz show

I'd never heard of hosted by Terry Wogan. It's quite ironic that you've never heard of it. Considering the title. Yes. Because the title's called what, Eli? Terry Rogan's Total...

Terry Rogan's... Terry Logan. Terry fucking... Twat. Terry Wogan's Total Recall. Yeah, that is the correct answer. Thank you. We'll be playing that.

I'll be spapping your badass. And I'll be spraying you with my grizzly gizzard fish. I'll be oiling you. It's time for Tales from the Shop Floor. Yay! Tales from the Shop Floor, Tales from the Shop Floor, Tales from the Shop Floor. And this one's from a chap called Stuart Moulding. And he opens with this gambit. Dear Eli and his sidekick Paul.

Yes. Aren't you witty, Stuart? Do you want me to read this, Stuart? Do you want me with that attitude? I'll read it, Paul. Do you want to? Yeah. Go on. Hello, Stuart? Do you want me to read this, Stuart? Do you want me with that attitude? I'll read it, Paul. Do you want to? Yeah. Hello, Stuart.

Thank you. Remember to talk into the mic when you do this because you have a habit of, when you read, drifting off like an old man. Coco time. Coco time. I just see you and you just go, ah. Look, I'm just performing, Paul.

You know, the moose. The moose takes me. Hit me with it. Dear Eli and his sidekick, Paul. Ha, ha, ha,ose. The moose takes me. Hit me with it. Dear Eli and his sidekick Paul. Ha ha ha ha. Witty stuff, Stuart. Here's a short tale of something that happened to me during my days working in retail. It is tales from the shop floor, after all.

I'm going to stop with these introductions. Yeah, it is unnecessary. And also, if you do want to send us one, it's thecheapshowatgmail.com. Back in 2001, I worked for a sports shop situated in a well-known essex shopping center that may have been formerly known as freeport what the the shopping center was formerly known as freeport or essex you know which one that is but no my blue

water ash might know freeport that sounds like a colonial it also sounds like a shit 70s somewhere in jamaica or something yeah sounds like a colonial 70s prog band. Somewhere in Jamaica or something. Yeah. Sounds like a colonial port, doesn't it? Ladies and gentlemen, with the latest hit, Carbon Seagull. It's Freeport. Oh, free. I'm free as the wind. I want to go swimming with the dolphins. I'm sorry?

What's this we're listening to now? Carry on. Right. Freeport, yeah. Back then, new stock deliveries would turn up during the early hours of the morning, and the cages full of sporting clothing, etc., would be left in the back room by the delivery driver, ready for us to sort out when we turned up later. Okay, fair enough.

You're following this, are you, Paul? I'm so far just about following it. We're both on the train with Stuart, and we're going along. Chuff, chuff. Chuff, chuff.'re going along chuff chuff chuff chuff chuff during one summer some building work that was being carried out meant that the delivery would be brought in through the front doors oh dear and left on the shop floor instead it's not take so let's just recap here paul the stuff's not coming in

i want to recap it's coming around the back usually come, I think I want a recap. I want a recap. It's coming around the back usually. Today, what's different? Delivery's not coming around the back. It's coming around the front and they're being left on the shop floor. So we both know where we are in the story. Freeport. Was that a group you made up there?

Yeah. With the song Carbon Seagull. Okay. I am singing with the seagulls. A chippy, chippy, boop, boop, quack. Carbon Seagull okay i am singing with the seagulls a chippy chippy quack carbon seagull yeah okay it's like that john livingston seagull but vastly inferior what was john livingston seagull was it a book about a seagull who flies like some kind of health self-help message yeah yeah fuck that and it was hidden to a song or an album, I think. Yeah. Yeah. I hate that.

Now, we're not flock of seagulls. No. I have to say, Stuart, you've taken two quite wordy, bloody paragraphs here to come to what? Now we're at the beginning of the tale and only one paragraph left to go. Well, maybe we'd be there sooner if you hadn't recapped every sentence you fucking said. He's buried the lead deep in this third paragraph. Right, okay. Well then, how about you just carry on reading?

I want to know. What do you think? I don't think. Is there poo? Is there pee? Is there sludge? What do you mean? You know what?

Carry on. Do I mean sludge? Carry on. Right. I will. I have no interest in your sludge. One morning, about 8am, we all turned up for work, ready to move the delivery out the back and start unpacking it. Right. However, upon opening the door into the shop, we were not only greeted by about seven cages of stock, but also the overwhelming stench of human waste.

Oh dear, hang on. Wait, the shop's closed up? Yeah. But there's a smell of shit? Well, they delivered. They delivered shit? Well, we don't know, but the smell of it is there, along with the cages full of stock.

Right. It didn't take us long to find the source of the odour. Underneath the sports bag display, which was by the front doors, we found a T-shirt lying on the floor, all rolled up. Oh, my God! OK, so they've come in, there are boxes, there's a smell of shit... And they followed their nose. Like sniffer dogs

well you would it's really bad it's like a nightmare isn't it oh yeah it really is like a night it's like the ending of seven but with a shit in a t-shirt what's in the t-shirt what's in the t-shirt this was weird as the shop was tidied the night before as always and anything found on the floor was hung back up where it belonged. So they tidy up, yeah. As one of my colleagues stupidly picked up the shirt, it unrolled and out fell a solid and slightly crusty shirt.

Oh, God. That's good. Better than, you know, diarrhea. What, like the slurry? You know, you can imagine unrolling it and like if there was wet enough, it would flick off towards people, wouldn't it?

Oh, it's like that scene from Trainspotting. Do you know what I mean? That's exactly what I was thinking of, thank you. Instead,

it kind of rolled out in a quite presentable manner. I take it all back, Stuart. I love the build up. You know, and like, it was quite surprising

that it was like, slightly crusty and in one bit. Which means, you know, solid diet this beast must have been a good eight to ten inches in length it looks like a big fucking old-fashioned rolling pin it seems the delivery driver had taken short been taken short i like that expression it

seems the delivery driver had been taken short during the delivery and left us with an extra item there must have been other ways to get rid of a shit. Because your job's on the line. How are you going to get away with that? Well, not just take you in a van or whatever. Oh, it's one of their T-shirts. He didn't want to steal the T-shirt. That's the thing.

Yeah, but instead he left his shit in the shop. Yeah, but it's worse. It's worse. I know. I know it's worse, Paul. But if someone steals a T-shirt, there are numerous suspects because who works there, who comes in and out they know you are a delivery driver and you take a shit on in the shop and roll it up and hide it everyone knows it's you that's the thing everyone knows it's you he can't

have been very happy with his job if he did that he could have why didn't he go to a like a toilet or why didn't he get I don't know like an empty carton of milk and trying and you know what's helping your argument here, Paul, is the fact that it was crusty and solid because that would, you know, you usually have more control over those big hard babies. Do you know what I mean? The thing is, I'm trying to imagine...

You could hold that in. They get a lot of purchase when you go for the double sucker. Yeah, but you can get spasms from that. Have you ever had those arse spasms? No, but... I've had it sometimes where you just like that. If it had been a load of messy liquid,

then you can sort of think, well, he was unwell. Do you see what I mean? He was sick. Yeah, but you still take the T-shirt with you, right? You'd still not leave it on the shelf.

Then you're stealing. But again, if you steal a T-shirt... What's a worse crime in the eyes of the law, Paul? Lord a worse crime in the eyes of the law, Paul? Lord. No, in the eyes of the law. Probably shitting on a t-shirt.

Stealing a t-shirt from your place of work. Yeah, but here's what I'm saying. If you stole the t-shirt, you could get away with that as well. There's more chance of you getting away with it than leaving the evidence.

It sounds to me like a dirty protest. It was like a, you know, a resignation letter in the form of a t-shirt with a turd in the middle. Good diction. So that's from Stuart.

Is that the whole letter? Stuart Moulding. You can use my name, I don't mind, he says. Good, because we've said it a few times now, Stuart. And he says we've got a good podcast and stuff.

Thank you very much for that. I have questions still. Why? Like, what's the thought process? You're the delivery driver. It's perfectly straightforward. You could have done it in the street.

You've been driving. You've been driving from Swanage, you know, all night or whatever. Yeah,? You're the delivery driver. It's perfectly straightforward. You could have done it in the street. You've been driving. You've been driving from Swanage, you know, all night or whatever. Yeah, but you're a delivery driver. This is par for the course. This is like par for... You didn't know. It sounds like he has some kind of unique bowel flora where it just is like nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.

Now I need to take an 8 to 10 incher. Now I need to do a big crusty 8 to 10 incher. You can't foresee the length of one of those beasts. You can only pray it doesn't last as long. Well's 8 to 10 inch it's like poking out his mouth isn't it the other end 8 to 10 inch is what like about that that's a weapon you can choke someone with it

I know and the other thing is I always think when I see an impressive shit in the loo I think ah that's been soaking that's soaked up the water that's been posed it has it's been it soaks up the water. That's been posed. It has. It soaks up the water. You know, it's like a bodybuilder injecting water before the... Steroided poop. It gets soft and it gets bigger.

It grows, doesn't it? And then you think, my God, that's a fucking beast. But this was dry. This was a dry beast. It had no pimping from the water, wasn't it? You mean it wasn't filled out with carrot juice, that kind of thing, carrot pulled. Mate, I just don't understand.

The only theory I have is that, forgetting the fact that maybe he's just a cunt and he did this because he was a lazy, slovenly prick who doesn't look after his life or his job very well, forgetting all that, maybe he had someone who came with him on that particular job. And meanwhile, he's moving the boxes in.

Meanwhile, his mate's like like I fucking hate this shop I'm going to take a big shit and he drops it and then goes puts it there and then he goes alright Jim yeah no alright

I was just moving that box I'll get it oh left a crusty one yeah that fucking teeth on it you could fucking see the calcium shining on it

oh just oh the power of the smell yeah anyway thanks for that. Please send in... Oh, poo came back. Poo came back to the show, Paul.

Yeah. Imagine there had been spunk in there with the poo, though. That'd be double bad. Well, in that case, I think there's some kind of satanic ritual going on. That would be really bad. We've never seen that. Like, do you want that? I'm looking for combo.

Mate, we're an influential podcast. Some people might go, I want to make your dream come true. I should shit and spaff. Combo finds. We're an influential podcast. Some people might go, I will make your dream come true. I shall shit and spaff. Shit and spaff. We don't support that in any way. Shit and spaffing boots. You wouldn't get away with it in pitch.

I don't know. No, they got very good. Anyway, if you do send an email in with that as a story, we will be turning you in to the local authorities. What? If anyone sends a letter saying,

Paul and Eli, I once did a big shit in boots and then spaffed on it. No, we're not looking for that. It's tails from the shop floor. We're on the side of the read support, poor retail workers, who've ended up finding this stuff. Why does it always have to be about shit though, Paul?

It's not always about shit. Just the ones I like picking out and you reading. Right, let's stop this. All right. No. Wait, let me, just let me do this. All right. All right.

Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap. P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P- Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Off Brand Off, Can you empty your balls of off-brand brand books, please? Hang on. Can you shoot your load? This podcast is fucking ageing me. It's genuinely taking years off my life. You know what? Not only is it ageing you, it is ageing badly, isn't it? Yeah.

Fuck me. I'm rusting like a submarine upon the ocean floor. Submarine. Spycraft. Yeah. Yes, Spycraft. On QVC between 9 and 6pm. No, Spycraft is a Netflix show.

I was doing QVC. I know 6pm. No, Spycraft is a Netflix show. I was doing QVC. I know, I don't know why. And then 6 till 9pm is like fucking hours. That's a bad idea. Or 9 till 6pm. It's a long time to sell some submarines. It's a nine hour show selling submarines. What a stupid fucking show.

Workcraft, what's it fucking called? Spywork. Spyjinks. I think it's Spycraft. Tradecraft. Welcome to the new stop, Spy work. Spy jenks. I think it's Spycraft. Tradecraft. Welcome to the new stop, Spycraft. We sell hot guns for gluing

microphones to ties. We also sell haberdashery for if you want to make a costume and a domino mask for sneaking. Spycraft. Good. Yeah, good. We also sell little model planes and toys for some reason. Spycraft. Come by now. When is it on?

Come by now. Off and off. No, no, no, no, no. That wasn't an invitation. No, let's just imagine someone hasn't heard the show. And has turned off already. It's one of our prestige segments, has to be said, Paul. It is.

It's one where we actually have value. While I neck this slightly dangerous... Is it another Korean energy drink? Korean Red Bull, but the Red Bull is a skeleton. That's how hardcore this is, Paul. I'll neck this and get ready for the taste before you drink it because I get the impression it smells of Pandora's innards. Good, that's good.

Thank you. Oh, God. It's not missing. Oh, God, it just smells like the purest Red Bull. It's distilled Red Bull. So you tell everyone what Off-Brand Off is. Off-Brand Off. Brand Off Brand.

Off-Brand Off. I can't stop saying it. You can, because I will clout you. Right, so Off-Brand Brand Off, for those who would like to know, is a segment of the show that's tied tangentially to our Cheap Eats segment. And that's where we see about whether the cheap food stacks up to the expensive brands. And Off Brand Brand Off is a focused part of that

where we... I literally, I'm just trying to enjoy my dangerous Red Bull in peace. What was going on? I'll explain it. Just, yeah, do it. Sorry, I just need to dab my lips. Right.

Off-brand brand-off, ladies and gentlemen. You can dab my lips. I'll dab my meters. Dab my juicy lips. Weepy meters, weepy meters. Drip, drip. Off-brand meters, right. Oh, look, your drippy splits.

Look at your drippy split. Jordan and Andre. Oh, dear. Inside their sad split. Oh, dear. Right. Off-brand. Off-brand Brandoff. Yeah. Off Brand Brand Off is part of the show, Paul,

where we... It's fine. It's fine. It's not. Basically, it's a blind taste test where I, Eli Silverman of Cheap Show, taste items, same item but from different places

and different rungs up the socioeconomics. This isn't working either. Here's a simple version. We take known brands, such as... And compare them via a blind taste test. There you go. Thank you. Off-brand titles. In the past, we've done Jaffa Cakes. We've done the official McFitties up against

store brand. We've also done Colas. What was the latest one we did, Paul? Pizza. No, we did pizza as well. No, we did one here, sitting right here. Did we? Oh, I don't know. A few months ago. Let me just remember. We did, uh, what was it? It was, um...

Chicken? Was it chicken? It wasn't chicken. Was it granddad's chicken? It wasn't granddad's chicken. Granddad said chicken. Coming by. Who's this guy? Coming by. Granddad said chicken. Coming by. Who's this guy? Coming by. Grandad said chicken. I haven't got any chicken for you, old man. Oh, it's sad.

What do we compare? I don't remember. You don't remember? Eli. Stop. Where am I? I don't know where I am. It was Kinder and off-brand Kinder.

Do you remember? Okay, you go toodle off. There's lots of room. There's lots of rooms back there. Can you go up to that airlock? Can you just stand by that door? Yeah. Flush him, Paul.

Flush that cunt. He's gone. Yeah. It's good having that void outside the podcast. He's gone. Yeah. It's good having that void outside the podcast, isn't it? Now, Paul.

They're showing to one of those Switzerland death camps where they go to send old people to die. Dignitas. Yeah,

at least he was a fictional old person. Our podcast is like a character dignitas. Right. We just sent him to dignitas it's a massacre yeah it has been recently yeah

yeah right oh dear Paul yeah Kinder yeah that's what we did

the last time we did Kinder and we compare and basically the mission of Off Brand Brand Off Paul is to let the people know whether

to spend that little extra bit for the luxury they want yeah because they get a really good deal yeah or just get the knock off because it's People know whether to spend that little extra bit for the luxury they want. Yeah. Because they get a really good deal. Yeah. Or just get the knockoff because it's just as good.

Yeah. And sometimes we find out, like in the mayonnaise story, you preferred the Sainsbury's off-brand to Hellman's. Yeah. You keep walking back on that. It's a very similar price point for those, though, really. True. End of the day. But.

And do you know what I didn't like? The actual off-brand, the fucking basics. No, that was. The basics mayonnaise. Weak sauce. Yeah. Literally. Literally weak sauce. Weak day. But. And do you know what I didn't like? The actual off-brand, the fucking basics. No, that was. The basics mayonnaise. Weak sauce. Yeah. Literally. Literally weak sauce.

Weak sauce. Yeah. So today we are doing, thanks to Mark, I think it was Mark Honeyborn once again sent these in. I might be wrong. Right. All right. Long story short, I don't know.

Okay. Good. Thank you whoever sent the beans. Yes. Yeah. I think it was Mark, but I just want to. I just want to. Bloody hell. So we the beans. Yes. I think it was Mark, but I just want to... Bloody hell.

So, we have beans. Bean. Baked beans in tomato sauce, to be more exact, Paul. Here's the question I want to ask you about beans. Is the character of Venus on Digitizer tired out and should die soon? Do you know what? I mean, Venus is good, yeah, and I think it's, you know, it's got legs. There's that other character.

What is it again? The pig. The fat sow character. Fat sow, yeah. I shouldn't have brought any of this up. You know what? I think they should bring that back because that, I mean, people tell me. They don't let me sleep, Paul.

They come round my house at night and they're throwing pebbles up at my wall and my window. And I go, just fucking hell, guys. Leave me alone. They go, fat sow, bring back fat sow. And they've got cowls on and they've got pitchforks. And they're like burning little incense bundles.

And they go, ooh, is that the smell of mace? Get some beans in us, man. Get some beans. Hey, you know what is good? Are you all right? You know what's good? get some beans in us man get some beans hey you know what is good are you alright you know what's good doing solo projects

yeah really is you know what Paul it's the lockdown it's got to me man yeah it has got to me it's getting to me

and it's like this is doing the show it's a bit of a release and so I get a bit I'm sorry I'm getting a bit giggly we don't do much in between recordings

you know what I mean so when we come back it's like what have you done I don't know what have you done I don't know what are we'm sorry we do we don't do much in between recordings you know what i mean so when we come back it's like what have you done i don't know what have you done i don't know well that's everyone that's what everyone in the lockdown comes out a babbling fucking fat sal propaganda piece finished with a oh i like fucking energy drinks mate oh we'll just have the rest of this energy drink i might reach a level where it's more calm let's just do that right because fuck me, so we're going to do baked beans this week. Now, I was going to ask you, Paul. Yeah.

What's your take on beans? I don't like baked beans all that much, really. I honestly am not a big fan. Were they served to you as a child? In what way? No, that was perfectly innocent. Did they come out of an oven? Was it a baked bean? No, I'm not. Listen,

I'm not saying that. I'm just wondering if you were served beans. I'm trying to have a... Were you given daddy's beans? Is that what you're saying now? Did you get daddy's beans? Yeah, is that what you're inferring? I'm not inferring anything.

I didn't do that. I've had normal baked beans all my life. That's what I'm saying. All your life. So they were served to you? Yeah. Burger, chips and beans. You's what I'm saying, all your life. So they were served to you? Yeah. Burger, chips and beans, you know what I mean?

Fried breakfast. They really are a staple British dish, aren't they? Are they? Because it seems to be something we've adopted. It doesn't seem like it's a British thing

until like the mid-1900s. I mean, we can find out. Let's have a little look. Yes, no, I think it's a post-war. It's a post-war. It has to be, because I always thought

before then, beans associated with like the Old West. Well, that's what the dish is originally that it's based on. It's an American dish, isn't it? Because Heinz is an American company, isn't it?

Is it? Yeah. So let's read this because I've got a Wikipedia page and that's content. Baked beans is a dish traditionally served with white beans and are parboiled and then baked at a low temperature for a lengthy period of time in some sort of sauce. Some sort. This is the usual preparation of the dish in the United States. I hope you'd know what kind of sauce though, wouldn't you?

Before you started. Yeah. Yeah. Because you wouldn't go, oh, we just need some sort of sauce and then they'd end up... What kind of sauce have you got? Custard. Custard sauce, isn't it? No, that doesn't fucking work, does it? Mayonnaise. We fat the beans! We fat these beans! They're beans and custard and no one wants them! And from that point on, baked beans were never a thing and history was changed

forever. Exactly. The sauce is important. Which would mean there'd be no bean-us. If we went back in time and changed the bean The sauce is important. Which would mean there'd be no Venus. If we went back in time and changed the bean recipe so it was a flop, then there'd be no Venus. Yeah. Just saying. I don't know why you keep bringing this up. Just saying we should build a time machine.

We should build a time machine. And kill Venus. And stop beans. Kill Venus's father. Yeah. Go back and stop beans. Would it be like a plant? Venus's father.

Yeah. So we'd go and strangle the plant. No, Venus is a human, isn't he? Is he? I don't know the story with Venus. It's weird. I he'd go and strangle a plant. No, Venus is a human, isn't he? Is he? I don't know the story with Venus. It's weird. I think he's a real boy. He's a real person.

That's worse. Because he had a dad who worked in beans. Did he eat a radioactive bean? No, I don't think it's like a Spider-Man story. I just think one day he went, I like beans and I'm going to eat nothing else. I'm going to dress in beans. There's no superpowers.

He's like a bean-based vigilante. No, I don't think he's got any supernatural powers. I don't think he can read thoughts. But he stops crime with beans or something. What he could do

is control beans with his mind. Wouldn't that be good? He could build a wall of beans to stop enemies. If you just had a kinetic ability just to control beans, you know, like Magneto is metal, but you're Beanito.

Can you imagine? Beanito. Yeah, that's what I just said. I don't know. I'm saying it in a funny way. Now, listen, Paul. No, I love this. You know that in the Fantasia way,

he's doing the water, the mouse, Mickey Mouse has got the wizard hat and he's doing the water. The sorcerer's apprentice. And he's like swishing it off. The sorcerer's apprentice. That bit.

Imagine that with beans. And he's controlling beans. A sea of beans. Yeah, and he goes like, send a wall of beans at you. I've got a bean based memory that's just popped into my head Paul

hit me with it when I was very young and I was looking around our house we had a very big house for a little while before we were forced to move by the

by the police the recession of the early 90s so what don't look at me it was not the late 80s when was the recession I don't know

anyway I'm in the coal scuttle there's like the bottom floor has a sort of coal room my au pair was nowhere Look at me. We're not the late 80s. When was the recession? I don't know. Anyway, I'm in the coal scuttle. There's like this... The bottom floor has a sort of coal room. And my au pair was nowhere to be seen. No, she wasn't. We didn't have one then. Fucking see what I mean.

What? I'm in the coal scuttle room. Yeah. And there's still coal in there. Right. Yeah. And it's sort of naughty in there because it's all dirty and stuff. I made a George's Magic Medicine in there once as well.

Is that a euphemism as well? No. And I found this old LP cover. Right. It was sort of in the mud. Right. In the grime at the bottom of this cellar. Yeah.

And it was The Who. And I can't remember what the name of the album is. Who Lived at Beans? No. It has a picture of, it's sort of like a parody of advertising. Okay. And so I think Pete Townsend's got an oversized product of something like an advertising.

But importantly, Yeah. Daltrey is in a bathtub of beans, real beans. Okay. And they're all, do you know what I mean? They're all,

and then you what? Then I went, I'm a child. And you said that loud. I'm a child. I was like, oh, I don't know what that's all about.

And you put it back. It's slightly disgusting. You put it back. You put the beanie man back in the slot. Then I probably ran out into the garden. Father, father. I didn't say father, father. Okay, sorry.

Peter, Peter. I never said that. You did. Far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far. I found the record in the skulls. Right, whatever, mate. Anyway, beans. I found the record in the skulls cooking the pop-up bar right whatever mate anyway beans

so yes in the US that's the usual way of doing it with parboiling and baking apparently in the UK the dish is sometimes baked but usually stewed

in a sauce canned baked beans are not baked but are cooked through a steam process yeah there you go place of origin

United States specifically New England didn't know that Heinz comes from there created by Native Americans modern versions descended from the colonial United States so it's didn't know that created by Native Americans modern versions descended from

the colonial United States so it's a Native American dish originally apparently that's interesting baked beans had

its origins in Native America cuisine and the dish is made from beans indigenous to the Americas the dish was adopted and

adapted by English colonists in England in the 17th century and then through cookbooks in the 19th century the recipe spread through the

North America. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Originally they were sweetened with maple syrup like Native Americans. Interesting. Very nice. In addition, some recipes still follow but English decided to not bother and just add brown sugar. That was originally in the 17th century. 18th century

they used molasses. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Bush Brothers and Company currently sell the most baked beans in the 17th century, 18th century, they used molasses. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Bush Brothers and Company currently sell the most baked beans in the United States. Bush. Yeah, bush beans, yeah. I went down this wheel the other day, did you? She had bush beans, mate. That's what you're looking for, mate.

Just below the bush, the beans. She had many. Oh, right. Oh, God. It was like looking at a meaty... It was Lucky Dip. Find the real bean in the bean. Yeah. She had many. Oh, right. Oh, God. It was like looking at a meaty... It was Lucky Dip. Find the real bean in the bush. Yeah. Oh.

After the Revolutionary War, the Fourth of July was celebrated with picnics, fireworks, dances, and dinners. The food served varied, changing with each region, but baked beans was always the most common dish. And then I guess it just... Okay, so blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Mass production of canned baked beans began in the United States in 1895 by the H.J. Hines Company. They're the first. Hines were the first. And kind of the brand you think of instantly when you think of beans now. I think of Bush. Canned baked beans became popular internationally, particularly in the United Kingdom, where

the greatest amount of canned baked beans is currently consumed as part of the English full breakfast. That's it. It's part of the breakfast. That's the real... Flatulence. Baked beans are known to cause farties. I haven't said that. Not the article. Due to the fermentation of polysaccharides and gut flora, they pass through the small intestine, largely undigested.

When they reach the large intestine, they are digested by bacteria, which produces the gas. The windy, windy pot. Have you found that's a problem with you with beans? No, because I don't eat a lot of beans.

I just fart because I seemingly can't stop. I had cheesy pizza last night. Onions are the worst for me. Yeah? Yeah.

Onions. So there's lots of stuff there. If you want to read more, there's an article, but that's the gist of it. So today we are doing

Off-Brand Brand Off and Eli will be testing three types of baked beans. First of all, item number one. This is the one that everyone loves. The Heinz Baked Beans, established 1869. Now with bush, you could tell if you had bush on this list, Paul, I'd be able to tell the difference

because bush beans are actually slightly different. I think they're a bit smaller, the beans that they use, and they're actually barbecue. Okay, so they look more kind of sweet in that barbecue in that barbecue way that's why we're not using them and also we're you can't get barbecue beans in this country they just don't seem to have ever taken off no as much as the the tomato sauce ones which are the traditional breakfast staple in their range in their back range there's heinz barbecue variant probably you know with the sausages and the hoops and whatever yeah they've got barbecue they've got lots of varieties, as we know.

There we go. We're doing Heinz baked beans. The standard, the classic. That's the on-brand. That's the on-brand. That's what we're judging against today. But what are we against it with? Well, let's go for the obvious one.

Next is Morrison's. I'll let you have a little look. These are the Morrison's own brand. It's very simple. They haven't gone for... Well, that's not... Morrison's don't do that, do they? I like Morrison's for that. They don't do for well that's not Morrison's don't do that do they?

I like Morrison's for that they don't do a sort of copy of Heinz thing no they don't do what a lot of off brands do which is try and mimic there's some respect like the colour scheme

or the pattern and they're not called Klein's beans or something like that do you know what I mean? they're proud to just be basic eat smart it says why does it say that?

because I don't know big beans are your one a day that's what they keep saying beans are good for the heart the's what they keep saying beans beans they're good for the heart the more you eat the more you fart

the more you fart the better you feel so have baked beans for every meal and they'll make you smart beans beans the musical fruit

the more you eat the more you toot and other songs so Heinz beans cost 65p this is a half can this is eat smart you say baked beans

yeah 25p for these these are 220g half cans, aren't they? One serving, basically, each that we're looking at. Oh, yeah. Sorry, I should have mentioned that. They're only the small tins. Yeah, but yeah.

Okay. So, and how much were the Morrison's off-brand eat smart? 65. 65 for the Heinz beans. And those that you have in your hand, the eat smart, were 25p. Now, that's cheap. It's very cheap. But will the flavor be cheap?

Well, I don't know if i'm very confident going into this paul because i you know i do like beans yes and i like to especially with a cooked breakfast anyone can do it mr biffo cooked breakfast i like to dip my i like the bean juice yeah i like to dip my toast in the bean juice the naked bean juice right i don't know because when i get a breakfast usually not they do much these days but when you get a breakfast out you don't say oh these Heinz

you just eat the beans you're given. And they're always the off brand if you ask me. They're probably always like the daddy's beans or whatever it is.

Yeah. Anyway we have oh here's the thing actually on that thought my dad swears down that if someone gives him beans that aren't baked beans

he will know instantly and he won't eat them. He's funny about that. He knows he loves his Heinz but if you put down a knock off or whatever he will know instantly and he won't eat them. He's funny about that. He knows he loves his Heinz, but if you put down a knock-off or whatever, he will know and he will make quite the statement. He's like, not eating this, love. He's very proud of that.

And then it all gets ugly in this vibe. You know what, we're not going to get into it. So the third and final one is what, Mr Silverman? These are Branston baked beans. Now Branston, very famous brand in the UK for making pickle. Yes. And when we say pickle famous brand in the UK for making pickle. Yes.

And when we say pickle, it's that British form of pickle. It's a chutney pickle. Yeah. Chutney pickle. It is a chutney pickle. And it's got rutabaga in it. What's that? It's a type of vegetable.

I thought it was the actor from Blade Runner. Hey! Whack, whack! Who? Rutger Hauer. Rutger Barger. Yeah, Rutger Hauer's brother. Rutger Barger.

Yeah. Although they'd have a same surname. Right. Branston, but they're known. It's a joke. I appreciate that. Now, what I never realised, Paul, about Branston. When I saw Branston beans, because they're very popular, these ones, as well, aren't they?

I don't know. When I first saw them, I thought, oh, is this beans that taste of the pickle that they make? Oh, okay. Do you know what I mean? As in a Branston flavoured bean. Yeah. Which is not outside the realm of something that might be real. No.

Apparently no. They're just, they're in tomato sauce, aren't they? Yeah. But it does say on the side, is that good housekeeping winner or something? There's a little white circle next to the logo on the front that has on the side, good housekeeping or something. Good housekeeping institute. What does that, what is it saying?

Is it saying they give it a thumbs up? Yeah, they, yeah. Oh, okay. I just wondered what that was. I thought they were gallivanting. Heinz doesn't need that, what is it saying? Is it saying they give it a thumbs up? Yeah, they, yeah. Oh, okay. I just wondered what that was. I thought they were gallivanting. Heinz doesn't need that, does it? Heinz is just like,

listen, mate, you've got the Wonder Bean, two, what? We've got 57 varieties. No, they don't. That's ketchup. So.

Well, it says 57 varieties on that. It just says Heinz beans spelt with a Z. When did they start doing that as well? Putting the Z on? Beans. Was that always a thing or am I just going mad?

I'm sure there never used to be a Z until recently. That is a new thing. Everything's wrong with the modern world. The Americanisation of this bloody country. Have you done any research? Oh! Have you done any research on this Branston stuff? No, it's just Branston beans.

And I presume they're the ones that you probably get in a calf, a greasy spoon calf. What's the price on the Branston beans, please? 50 pence. So 15p cheaper than the brand Heinz. Than the Heinz, but 25p for the off-brand. Yes. So I'm expecting it to be very nasty. Perhaps it'll taste a bit like apple juice.

Maybe, maybe. Do you know, like, it's the concentrate. Perhaps it's the nature of the sugar. Perhaps it's the nature of the sugar, you know, the quality of the sugar. Don't tell me, but I reckon probably there's more additives in the cheap one, maybe. Or sweetener.

53% haricot beans, if that means anything. This just says beans on the Heinz one. The Morrison's one says tomato puree, water, sugar, modifying starches, onion powder, paprika, rapeseed oil, clover extract. There's quite a lot of stuff going on in this.

Cinnamon. Heinz don't tell you shit. Heinz are like, what do you want? You know the recipe. Capcum. No, what's that? Capuscum. That's chilli. Extract. Garlic oil. Wow. There's a lot of stuff in that. Whereas the Heinz is tomato, beans, water, sugar, vinegar,

cornflour, salt, spice extract. Yeah, so the spice extract could cover a multitude of different spices. I'll just look at the Branston ingredients. Beans, tomatoes, so far it's actually exactly the same as the hind. Yeah, they're trying to be the hind. So here's the plan. I'm going to now put these in a cup. Each one is going to get a cup.

I'm going to put the cups in the microwave. I'm going to put them in for the two minutes, it says, on the side of the tin to microwave them full. I'm going to now put these in a cup. Each one is going to get a cup. I'm going to put the cups in the microwave. I'm going to put them in for the two minutes, it says, on the side of the tin to microwave them full. I'm going to bring them back. All at the same time you microwave them? Yeah. I'm going to bring them back. I'll be wearing a microwave.

Will you? A blindfold. No, you'll be wearing a blindfold. And I will hand you a cup and the fork, and then we'll do what we always do. And after the three cups, you'll judge, and I'll write it down as we go. What I'll be looking for is the one that I like the taste of the most.

And separately, I will try and spot the Heinz. And also spot the other two. Yeah. I'm trying to get it all right. I'm trying to guess each one. Blind taste tested bean in my mouth, Paul.

And just so you know, we're not going to be handing them to him in the order of we just described them. They will be mixed up. And so he won't know what he's going to be served until it's in his mouth. Just the way I like it. Paul, have you got one of those air fresheners plugged into the wall? Yes. My God, it's killing me.

I'm dying. I can't breathe. Right. Let's go and prepare these beans. We'll see you in a minute. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Right. That's it. Beans are now ready. They've been in the microwave for the amount of time designated. Are you recording? Yes, I haven't stopped. So I can go straight into it and not forget to press record like I've done in the past. Okay, so we're still here. Just start again then.

No, this is fine. Sit down, say that bit again. Come on, for me. Right, we're back. The beans have been cooked in the microwave for the amount of time the tin said to cook them for. That's done. It's done. We're ready.

I've got them all lined up here. Eli, going into this, how are you feeling? I'm not 100% confident, Paul. I'm very familiar with beans. I haven't been aware of noticing the difference between brands before. So what I'm looking for is a sort of amplitude rating that's going to be highest for the Heinz because they are

the kings of amplitude as they've demonstrated by their mastery of the world ketchup scene. Is it mastery or they just kind of got the biggest dick? It's the best ketchup. No, it's the best ketchup. And people swear by it. Just like your dad swears by Heinz beans. I'm hoping it has a gestalt, like an overall.

Beanie, beanie quality. Like, I'm going to thin slice it, and then I'm not going to think about it. I'm just going to let the fucking pure flavor hit the brainstem. Should we talk while the beans are hot? Should we talk while the beans are hot? Should we eat while the beans are hot? Let's make haste whilst the beans are hot. Right, okay.

Hand me my first bean. So I'm going to hand you, again, there were three, but I'm going to hand them out of order of how we went through them. So this will, I'm going to show the camera.

This has just been number one for me. So I'm going to hand it to, I have to make sure I've got this right. Oh. I'm handing you the cup. Is the cup hot? Don't hurt me hands on the cup.

It's not that hot. There you go. It's fine. I've got it. So you've got your fork. Right. Do you want to give it a fork? I'm going to give it a hoof.

Don't you worry about that. Oh, that's real greasy calf. Is it? Sort of farty smell. Farty beans. Oh, that's a real farty bean. I'm not getting a lot of tomato off the... All right.

Is it comforting? Yeah, in that way, but there's not a lot of... Anyway, let's go in. He's had the hoof. Now it's time for the bite. I don't really want to watch that. I don't eat the fucking hairy beans how are you going how are the beans for you beans are fine yeah what are you getting in terms of amplitude are they off is it off to you the amplitude is not there for me on that one it's like the the sauce is slightly watery and tastes a bit like sweetener rather than okay but the beans do have the skin on the

nice firmness to the skin i'll say that so i don't want to go too far before i've got some comparison you know no fair enough fair enough are you happy to put that down then i'm gonna happy to put that down now okay i would say just by going by it i think those are my first thought is those are probably the cheapest okay those are the Morrisons off brand I reckon well here's I might be wrong and I might these might

let's just see the second one is when it really starts to kick in for me well here we go here is beans number two handing in the cup

oh I've wiped it all off I don't want to get juice bean juice contamination I've given his fork a nice little towelette to clean off so the sauces

can't be contaminated between cups. I'm going to give bean number two a great big huffy. Here we go. Huffs in. Now what are you huffing? That's even less tomatoey than the last one. Really? Less smell. There's less smell at all.

Less smell at all. There it is. They've got really not much smell at all. Just a very faint sort of soy saucy smell. Are beans all that smelly, though, to be fair? Well, I tell you what,

compared to these ones, the first one were a smell-a-thon. All right. Okay. Anyway, bean you down the hatch. Oh, here we go.

Oh, don't. Get some beans in me. And what is your opinion on beans number two? Anytime you want, mate. The beans are mushier. Okay. There's less structural integrity to the beans. Right.

The sauce is more... Tomato-y? Yeah. It's less sweetenery? Less sweetenery, definitely. And thicker. That's good then, because I think having a thicker sauce helps a lot. But in terms of flavour, what are you getting?

Not much. No. The consistency's there, but not the flavour. I don't like the texture of the beans either. They're cheap, sort of mushy. Oh. I would say... It's hotting up in the off-brand kitchen.

I don't know. Can I withhold my... You can withhold anything you like until we get to the final... Am I allowed to retaste some if I really have to? Of course you can. I'm not here to trick you. I'm here to test the limits of your taste. They're definitely different from the first ones.

Definitely. Bean number three. Third bean. Let's have a huff of this and see what we go with. He's going in from there. Huffing the bean. God, it's hard to get any kind of huff out of that at all, mate. Well, maybe huff isn't the best angle to approach these ones.

No, the first ones were huff-tastic, mate. Lovely. Lovely steamy calf on a morning smell. You know? Yeah, no, I get it. I understand. I get that. It's the sound of the tea maker.

Ooh, bean smell. Would you like some toast with that, darling? I'd like a bit of you. Do you want white or brown toast? Oh, no. Would you like to lick my dirty clam? Oh, now you're tilting up. I will snubble up your...

I'll slish it out. And I will come right in your clam. And then I'll spit it out. And I'll come over there and scuff it in your bed. Your bearded clam is all juicy down my little lid. If you're quite finished, you're no longer allowed

to have that energy drink. Eat the beans. Eat the beans. I have to taste these beans. Use the fork the right way, you fucking idiot. I use my eyes usually, Paul, you know? Yeah, but still, figure out the up and down of a fork.

I need to get it in my mouth. Oh, don't. I can't watch this. I can't watch it. I won't watch it. It sounds horrible in my ears as it is. Oh, ah. Oh, now.

What are you thinking, Mr. Silverman? First of all, positive, negative. Are you positive towards the flavour? That's the nicest. Okay. That's got the... What, the texture Are you positive towards the flavour? That's the nicest. Okay. That's got the... What, the texture and the flavour and the consistency? Yes.

It's a nice package. Yeah. Is it what you would maybe call amplitude? Yes. Yes? All right, would you like to try any of the others before you make any final decisions? Yeah.

What would you like to try, one or two? One. One. Okay, here it is. I'm putting it in your hand. Yeah, the sauce isn't right on those ones. No, they're wrong. I'll tell you which ones I like the most.

Let's have a little recap. I'm taking my blindfold off, okay? Okay, go for it. Oh, the brightness. Oh. Right. I'll tell you what, Paul. Yeah?

Beans, number one. Yeah? Watery, artificial tasting. Okay. Beans had nice texture. Right. Okay? Number two, quite mushy beans, but a nice taste.

Okay. And a good amplitude. Right. Number three, the most amplitude, but not quite as tasty as two. Okay. But I think... What do you want to go with? Well, I think the knockoff was beans number one, Morrison's,

and I think number two was the Branston, and I think the last one you gave me was the Heinz. So... Oh, maybe not. Actually... Go on, what? It's all about the sauce. I'm trying to think. Is me was the Heinz so oh maybe not actually go on what it's all about the sauce I'm trying to think is it about the sauce or is it the reputation I think number two I think the middle one was the Heinz and the last one was the Branston so you are saying it was Morrison just because the last number three was a bit brittle there was something about the

texture that was a slightly off okay so I think number three was something trying to be Heinz, i.e. Branston. Right. But number one, it's just they didn't have enough money to spend on the sauce, basically. It was thin gruel. Am I totally wrong?

Let's find out. You said the first one was Morrison's. Knock off. You said the second was Heinz and the third was Branston. Here is the actual order of the beans. The first one was Morrison's. Oh, yeah. However, The first one was Morrison's.

Oh, yeah. However, the second one was Heinz. And the third one was Branston. So you got all three right. Oh, yes. This is your first grand slam. Mate, that's amazing. I didn't think you were going to get it for a minute because I think the Heinz one threw you off.

I swapped it at the last moment, didn't I? You swapped it at the last minute. Fucking yes. There you go. But out of all three, which would you prefer? Which was the nicest? I preferred two, which was what? The Branston? No, stopped it at the last minute. Fucking yes! There you go. But out of all three, which would you prefer? Which was the nicest? I preferred two, which was what, the Branston? No, the beans, the Heinz.

Yeah, I preferred it. Really? Yeah. Because when you were in the moment, you didn't seem to be enjoying it. No, but then that's when I thought it over again. You're fucking backtracking on that. No. I think you liked the Branston best, because that was the one you had the most positive

reaction to when you first put it in there. No, you know, the Branston, the beans were a bit brittle. Like, they didn't... The Heinzz it's magic they turn into a lovely mush. Okay. The transition from

bean to mush is like really pleasing on the Heinz and they haven't got it quite right on the on the Branston. There's too much they're a bit chalky

slightly chalky but you can just tell from the sauce mate with the with the knockoff they don't have the money to spend on proper sugar. That's what it is. Yeah. So so here's the thing then and it's watery as well doesn't

have the thickness is it worth it no would you rather spend a little bit more and get the branston instead definitely i'm with your dad here yeah he's a heinz man yeah oh okay honestly the branston would have been a close it's what 40p more 45p more 40p more it's twice as expensive but those just not nice at all, those Morrisons ones. No. Fair enough. Okay. So I don't think you could really replace it.

No, but I guess it's not too bad. But I wouldn't even say the Bransons for 50p is probably a good deal as well. Yeah, no, the Bransons are nice as well. So yes. If only really Morrisons would be like, maybe if you have to at a push, get it. The gap between the Bransons and the Heinines is not huge, which is reflected in the fact that I could, I kind of confused them at first. Yeah, true. But then fucking came down with the hard science.

Well, look, there you go. And all that. Distinguished beans like a man on fire today. Now, what's, oh, hang on. Oh, no. Hang on. Hey, can we just end this segment, please? No, how's he found me here?

I didn't, the dead drop was dead drop didn't say to come here. Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff. Ruff, ruff. Hello. Right. Hello, Paul. You speak to him. I'm not having anything to do with him.

Paul. If the police come here and find out that you're here, we'll all get nicked. And I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. I'm out. I'm backing out. Eli's out to you.

It's perfectly legal. Ruff, ruff, ruff. You mean perfectly legal. I've been allowed out. Have you got a bracelet on your ankle or something? Yes. Show us it. There it is.

Beep, beep. I'm not entirely convinced. Anyway, I'm here to collect debts owed to me. We don't owe you anything. You signed this piece of paper, did you not? No, because that's a tissue. In 2018? Yes, you did, Roth, Roth.

Right, okay, and what does it say? It says, I hereby hand over control of Cheap Show and all Cheap Show related products and merchandise to Cheap Show Corporation Incorporated Messers Brandoff. Messers Brandoff? That's me, if you didn't know.

All your company's been liquidated and when you went into jail all your contracts became null and void as a result of the tractions against you. So therefore, that is absolutely meaningless now. You may as well wipe your arse with it. You have no legal standing over Cheap Show anymore. I might have a dirty protest.

Eli? Yes, Richard? Why are you so coy around him? Right, Eli, you told me it was going to be all right if I came down here and you'd have a payment. Oh, is that what you told him? Yeah. Why did you fucking tell him that?

Because we've been in communication, Paul. We've got, you know. He's been fucking treating you like a chump. Ruff, ruff, ruff. Mate, so long story short, you have no more legal standing. I do. With the Jeep show anymore. You don't.

You don't. When you went to jail, all those contracts became null and void. We are a free podcast now. Right, right. I'll tell you something, sonny me lad. Go for it. Paul, lend us 10. 10 quid?

Please, I need to... I will give you 50. Right. If you look for my hairy beans. Listen. I don't know what that means. Is that a new bit he's doing? I want you face first in my hairy arse.

He's just looking for me waggonets. Richard, he's trying to, you know, he does this thing where he improvises. It's terrible, usually. Not very good. I will say that. I'm fucking confused by that. It was very poor.

Now, one last thing, right, before I go. I'll give you a tenner if you can fuck off. I will take that tenner. Yeah. I will take it. I will cut you on a bus. Look, I didn't want to say this. Mm-hmm.

But, um... Off-brand off. Off-brand brand off was usually... That's my segment Brandoff was usually sponsored by you in the past, right? I'm still sponsored. You lied to me, Eli, you dirty slut! Sorry. Sorry, Richard. So, as a result, we've now got a new sponsor.

What? Who? Come over here. Who's this? I can't. I'm Bill Donut, and this is Bill Donuts of Brand, Brand of. You. I've got a song for it. Is it brand? Is

it not? Brand of, Brand of, not a lot. I'm a man who knows the things. What? You don't know the things I know. I know all the brands. The brands are knowing me. And one, two, three, four, five. I'm a brandy man. That's the song I've written. Yes, I work on it over the years. Bill. Ruff, ruff, Bill. Yes.

Oh. You're going to pretend you don't know me now, are you, Bill? Oh, I must go. I don't know who this man is. Bill, don't do this. Bill, you've signed the contract. Now, listen, I'll tell you something, Paul. That man. Paul, you think I'm... Paul and Eli, will you go over there for a minute? All us big boys have to talk. Alright, okay.

I'll go over here. So what were you saying, Brando? Listen, you little fucking slut. Bill, I've got you. I own you. I own you. I've got a suitcase full of skeletons and they've all got negligays on. You know what I mean, Bill? You fucking come round here. What? And you ruin this lovely

little cushy thing I've got sorted out here. What? And I'll fucking cut you, Brendol. Alright. Don't you know, don't you know that I've still got connections. Oh, they may fucking see me as a doddery old fuck, but I've got them wrapped around my fucking finger. Alright. And if you step into my house. Okay. And you

fucking ever again try and take what's mine, I'll fucking cut you from cock to throat and fill you with my fucking chunder all right and then I'll push you in the fucking river very well well if this is the way you're going to act that's just share a history bill and you can't just turn your back on that oh I'm saying is what have you got you've got this nice little gig here do you do I'm doing deals behind the they don't know

what's going on you've got a nice little gig doing their little little song and dance yeah spiel with these people, do you? Just listen. I want 2% of this. I found them. What have you fucking got for 2%? I've got sponsorship deals. I'm going to be back on my feet in no time.

Do you still know? I'm buying a cola company. Shut your mouth. You shut your mouth. You shut your fucking mouth. Bill Donut? Where do you come up with that, you cunt? Are you all right? Yes, oh yes, we're fine. You shut your mouth. You shut your fucking mouth. Bill Donut? Where do you come up with that? You cunt. Are you two all right?

Yes, oh yes, we're fine. Just old sports talking. I'll be gone in a second. Get the money ready, you two. Ruff Ruff. All I want to know is this. Do you still know the Hairy Brothers? Are you still in touch with the Hairy Brothers?

Of course I know the Hairy Brothers. Let's set up a little meeting. I've got a deal. I'm prepared to go down to 1.5% vigorous. All right, if you can get me in touch with the Hairy Brothers. Listen, I've still got deal. I'm prepared to go down to 1.5% vigorous. If you can get me in touch with the hairy brothers. Listen, I've still got

my little black book, my friend. Maybe we can talk. But don't you think if you think you've got skeletons. Just put in a good word.

Do you think you've got skeletons? I'll tell you what, I've got a whole fucking morgue of secrets from you. Listen, Bill. All right, so don't

you fucking craft me. Listen to me, Bill. Yeah. Listen to me. Yeah. I've got something on you, you've got something on me. Yeah. It's a little game we play. We've both got stuff on each Bill. Yeah. Listen to me. Yeah. I've got something on you. You've got something on me. Yeah.

It's a little game we play. We've both got stuff on each other. Yeah. 1.5%. Yeah. And you can get me the hairy brothers. On the back end, I'll get you the hairy brothers. It's all in place.

The empire's all in place. I've got... What? You've got hemorrhoids? I've got drugs coming in. I've got a big stash of... You've got it coming through the podcast? Yeah.

If they knew this, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill. They won't fucking know. Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill Donut. And you're not going to tell them. He's all grown up, isn't he? We're all going to be rich men, and then you're going to fuck off out of my life. Just remember, Bill.

Yeah. I knew you when you were singing for tuppence in the gutter, yeah? Mate, how do you think you've survived this long in prison? I've let you live. I've let all those people stay away from you. I've protected you because you've got connection

with the Hairy Brothers. So you fuck off and get with the Hairy Brothers. I'll get you the Hairy Brothers. All right, Ruff Ruff. We're done now, Mr. Paul and Eli. Right, Paul! Yes, what's going on?

In my bad books, I'm going now. Can I have that money, please? Yes, here you go. Here's the fiver. Tenner. Tenner then, all right. Right, Eli. Do what I ask you, yeah? All right, I'm go. Here's the fiver. Tenner. Tenner then. All right. Right, Eli. Do what I ask you.

Yeah, all right. I'm going. Bye. Bye, Mr. Brandoff. Bye forever, maybe. That's hopefully... Oh. Inch, inch, inch.

Who was that? No, don't do that. Who was that? No. Paul, who was that? That was Brandoff fucking off. Inch, inch, inch. No, mate, mate, please.

I can't do the character. Who was that? Bill? Did I miss something? No, mate, mate, please don't. I can't do the character. Who was that? Bill? Did I miss something? No, well, let's go back to my office. We can have a chitty chat, Mr. Inchman. I was asleep. You haven't seen nothing. And you never fucking will.

Gannon's Golden Games. Gannon's Golden Games. Here I am. There you are. Gannon's Golden Games. It's Gannon's Golden Games time. It's Gannon's Golden Games time. And it's that time are. Gannon's Golden Games. It's Gannon's Golden Games, Tom. It's Gannon's Golden Games time. And it's that time of the show where I pull out a board game that I found in a charity shop or maybe on eBay and give it a good old play and a tinkle with. And we have a bit of fun, don't we? It's a Gannon's Golden Games, Tom.

And today we are playing a game based on a TV show I've never heard of featuring one of Britain's most beloved TV celebrities until he died. Who's that then? It's Terry Wogan, isn't it? Can you do a Terry Wogan impression? Oh, I'm Terry Wogan, so I am. So I am. And on me show this morning, I am Terry Wogan, so I am. What's blank?

I went to the chip shop the other day. An old farmer chip shop opened his chips. Old farmer chip shop so poor, he can't afford fish for his fish and chips. Instead, he uses blank or blanks. Diddly diddly. And then you say... Spoff in a tray.

Spoff in a tray. What do you think, Les Dennis? Oh, deep fried... Oh, deep fried spuff in a tray. Oh, no. I can't believe it, Diddly. All right, Samantha Fox, what did you say? Oh, I can't believe it.

All right, Samantha Fox, what did you think was the answer? Blank or blanks? I'd say... Fish. OK. Jasper Carrot, what do you think is the blank? Is the blank or blanks? Diddly diddly.

Shot a fox. I don't know. Shot a fox. Shot a mole or something, didn't it? Mole. Yeah. Oh, I've got three more people on blank and blank. Come on, come and do it.

Oh, what about you, Duncan Norvell? Who was that? He's the guy who said, chase me a lot. Oh, chase me. Blank or blanks. He couldn't afford fish, so he used blank. Oh. Turn it.

Oh, turn it, he says. All right, then. Two more. All right, we've got. What about you, Russ Abbott? What do you think? What was it? Blank or blanks?

Atmosphere. I love a party with a fairy. You're like the worst impressionist in the world. And finally, in the corner there, my favourite square, Pammers.

What do you think, Pammers? Blank or blanks for fish? Oh, a nice cup of tea. Oh, a great cup of tea there from Pammers, the cuddly old lady. Nice cup of tea. I like it. She talked a bit like that, didn't she?

She talked a bit like that, she did. She had a northern, yeah, like that. Not northern, like Cornish. Cornish. I wandered as a lonely cloud. I took all down the fancies. And that naughty farmer across the way, I think he flashed my panties.

That kind of stuff. I've got crabbies. I've got sludge in me pants. Stop it. Stop it. So we are... We've got guys mate. We are playing Terry Wogan. Terry Wogan basically was a, initially a radio presenter in the UK. Irish chap, very

cuddly. Is the word avuncular correct? Absolutely. Uncle-like, that means. He was very uncle-like. He was the nation's uncle. He always did Eurovision, and he was always a little bit tipsy, and he was always like, here's the Irish now with their ballad. He was a fantastic light entertainment broadcaster. I think we can

both agree. Because I think he was very aware that if he was going to be made fun of because of his standing, he would want to be in on the jokes. He was always in on the joke of his own kind of personality. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. He lived up to that whole cuddly, warm.

But he was very witty, very sharp. Yeah. He was a great television presenter, basically. And he always used to have a chat with Ken Bruce when they swapped hands at the shows. Oh, right. A bit handover. But that is a typical way.

I'm Ken Bruce. I'm Ken Bruce. I'm Ken Bruce. And I'm on the radio next. A diddly, diddly, diddly. Hello, I'm Terry Walker. And I'm way I'm Ken Bruce I'm Ken Bruce I'm Ken Bruce and I'm on the radio next diddly diddly diddly hello I'm Terry Walker and I'm handing over to Ken Bruce

Ken Bruce I'm going to play some E-A-L-O E-A-L-O E-A-L-O E-A-L-O E-A-L-O that's a policeman's

favourite band E-A-L-O E-A-L-O E-A-L-O oh that's good thank you I'm keeping that one. That's fucking good.

You can do the IRS stew one. IRS stew. A whole load of policeman jokes. So, yeah, we're playing a board game based on a TV show he allegedly did. Allegedly existed. I just don't remember it. Which is ironic because it's called Total Recall. Wogan's Perfect Recall.

Oh, yeah. Perfect Recall. Not Total Recall. Wogan's Perfect Recall. Oh, yeah, Perfect Recall, not Total Recall. Yeah, we fucked that, though. Did we say it was called Total Recall? Yeah, we called it Total Recall. We're confusing it with the Arnie Schwarzenegger film. Yeah, we are. Although I thought that's initially what it was, a play on the words of that.

No, Perfect Recall is when you can remember things perfectly. Anyway, it's similar to Total Recall. Yes, similar. Yeah, it's the same thing. They're analogous. Wogan's Perfect Recall is a game show presented by Sir Terry Wogan. It was broadcast on Channel 4

and ran between 25th of August 2008 and 19th of November 2010. So only two years. Five seasons. Yeah, that's why we don't remember it, Paul. That's way past when we stopped watching television. That would have been, what, a kind of

six o'clock in the afternoon yeah I did not watch TV it was when countdown or 15 to one wasn't on it would be something

like this maybe Tuesdays and Thursdays or something like that format four contestants compete in each episode for a chance to win

up to £100,000 that's not bad for six o'clock in the afternoon more than you fucking got on 15 to one which is basically do you want a book you won this game do you want a book it was ages to win you'd have to

do multiple shows as well yeah it was a whole big like a holiday or something didn't you maybe maybe i'm thinking of going for gold maybe you've got a thinly disguised murder weapon type trophy thinly disguised murder thing that's built to look good for tv but actually if you fell on it it'd kill you well that's more of a negligence yeah but you could use it to kill a person couldn't you well just go just could you just hand me that that my trophy it's like oh i've dropped it it's gone in the art yes as i thought it's very dangerous yes i'm gonna smash my countdown uh ceramic teapot over your head to kill you, Nan. I don't know why Nan. Anyway, the scores are reset to zero at the beginning of each round. So, round

one, which is what we're going to be doing with this board game, says 20 questions are asked on the buzzer. There's no buzzer here. If a contestant misses, any of the three make a buzzer to respond. Each correct answer is to a video wall that are placed above the contestant's head so they cannot see it. The answers are used

for all questions in subsequent rounds. So because we're only going to play one round, we're not really going to get the benefit of the format of this show. I don't understand

a single thing about it. But the gist is that what we're looking at here is a, it's almost like a Connect 4 plastic grid, isn't it? Well, in that it's a grid.

It's plastic and it's got a similar shape to the Connect 4 build. And instead of those little round discs, it's got little swinging doors for cards. It's a grid. It's plastic, and it's got a similar shape to the Connect 4 build. And instead of those little round discs, it's got little swinging doors for cards. It's five cards high and four cards across, Paul. Yes, and behind each window is an answer. And that answer across all the rounds in the game are the same.

So whatever the answer to question 16 is, is the same answer in round two, in round three, in round four. I'm explaining this reasonably well. And when you get to round two, or round three, three or round four then you have to remember where the answers are okay but we won't be getting to round two because it'll go on forever and i'm already a bit disappointed with this shit because in my head i thought the quiz show was what's the capital of france and you go i don't know is it number 12 and they rotate 12 and it shows you biscuits and you go well it's not biscuits. And so a couple of questions on, someone goes,

what are McFitties known for? Oh, what was it? Oh, then you remember. Then it was behind 12. I thought that was the format, but apparently it's not. It's like, here's a grid. Here's all the answers in the same place, but you don't know where they are.

You've got to remember where they are for the next round. So I don't know. We're just going to play it and see what happens. And we'll have, hopefully, a lot of fun. I don't think so.'re just going to play it and see what happens and we'll have, hopefully, a lot of fun. I don't think so. There's not much about it on Wikipedia. There's the timer.

Which we don't need to use until the final round. Apparently. Because it's like the gold one. You've got to turn around and go, oh, I remember where the answer is.

Do you know what we call this egg timer in my family? Something amusing? The eggy woofter. Why? Because it's an egg timer. And then we just call it the woofter why because it's an egg and then we just call it the woofter right

what we're going to just do then is play the game as it is on the grid where we've got this big grid and you read an answer on the board and then

you get coins for winning I don't understand I do not understand we've both got me and Eli both have question cards between us and those question cards have questions on that numeric I've got mine Eli both have question cards between us.

And those question cards have questions on that numeric. I've got mine. You've got yours. Not between us. Well, between the two of us, we have question cards. Well, no, because we each have our own. Don't make this any worse than it has to be. I'm trying.

So we have question cards. And each question has a number. And that number affects the... Is on the grid. How? How? Who will have won? I don't...

You haven't... I ask you a question to the question number 42. If it's on there, we turn it round and if you get it right, then I'll ask you another question. Ask me.

I'll find you. This is weirdly uncomplicated and very complicated at the same time. I don't know what's going on here. You have a question card. Pick a number. I've got several. Pick a number and if's going on here. You have a question card. Pick a number. Pick a number, and if it's on the grid,

you can ask it. You ask it, I try and answer, then we turn it around and see who's won. Okay. Right? Yep. I don't think we've gotten the point of this game, but this is how we're going to play it. Just a little bit of general knowledge fun. Little general knowledge fun. Now, who wants to go first? You go first, Paul. I don't mind that at all. In what respect? Do you want me to ask the question first, or pick a question first? You pick a question first. Right. In that case, I'm going to... Oh, do we pick off the board? Off the board, Paul. I don't mind that at all. In what respect? Do you want me to ask the question first or pick a question first?

You pick a question first. Right. In that case, I'm going to... Oh, do we pick off the board? Off the board, yeah. Right. For today's players, it's the point of no return.

If they're having second thoughts, they can either try hard and hope for the best or not try at all and hope to be out first here on Perfect Recall. Oh, now, enough, enough, please. So I'm going to say question four, then. Have you got question four? This is fun, looking through the cards. I think to say question four then. Have you got question four?

This is fun. Looking through the cards. I think you have question four. I'll edit all this out, don't worry. I've got question card four here. All right. In that case, I'll have question four, please. Round one, question four.

Round one, question four. You're going to love this. Go on. Go on. In football. Oh, fucking hell. The FA Premier League was inaugurated in which year, Paul? In which year was the FA Premier year? Premier League.

Premier League. When did it first start, the Premier League? Inaugurated, yes. When was the Premier inaugurated? 96. It's a good guess. Shall I rotate it? Question four.

I'm rotating the screen. I don't know the answer, do I? Until you rotate it. Ding, ding, ding. 1992. I am wrong. You are wrong, so you don't get a token. Is it my turn now?

Is that how we're doing this? Answer two, please. Answer two. That one in the corner. Have I got number two? No, I've got it. No, but I might also have a question card number two. No, you won't.

I will, because there's enough. No, there's no duplicates. This is why you haven't got it. No, but I might also have a question card number two. No, you won't. I will, because there's enough. No, there's no duplicates. This is why you haven't got it right, mate. We'll just give you that question card then with number two on it. I'm sure I have number two. This is shit. We have not worked out the dynamic of this. No.

And that's the cheap show away. Right, question two. Torval and Dean won gold at the Winter Olympics in Sarajevo in which year? Oh, 85. 85, he says. I'm rotating the screen. Do you think I'm right? I don't know.

I would say mid-80s is a really good guess. I would say 89. You'd say later. I think earlier. So what are you going to stick with? I'm going to stick with 85. 85. Here we go.

Rotating the screen. Dibble, jibble, jibble. 84. What out? No points yet, sir. Squeaky, squeaky,

bum, bum time. Squeaky, bum, bum time. Right, next question I want. Question number 22.

Have you got 22? This is the fun bit. This is the bit I'm editing out, isn't it? Oh, here's the cards, here's the cards, counting through the cards. I've gotit? Oh, here's the cards, here's the cards, counting through the cards.

I've got 22. Oh, how fun. It's part of the game. Shit. Right, you want this question? Yeah. If you have a keen sense of smell... Yes.

Fuck me. You're said to have... If I have a keen sense of smell, I have to fuck you. I'm not doing that. You might smoke dirty. When was the last time you washed your fucking dirty ball palate? yeah got discussed this oh the dr boner yes dr

boner's secret potion the ball wash is a cleanly it's the cleanly balls yes can i sniff it yes you can can i sniff it yes you can fuck's sake if you i was saying for fuck's sake because it's so easy all right if you have a keen sense of smell you are said to have a good what nose i guess i don't know fucking car question two where is which one was it 22 22 22 nose i get the first point of the game look at this a lovely little cardboard and it lovely little cardboard token with a pound sign on. That's one for me. How many for you again? None, I've got none.

Oh, good, just checking. Right, so you pick a question now. 39. 39, have I got 39? I've got it. 39, round one. Here we go. What is the largest living land mammal?

Largest living land mammal. Largest living land mammal. Ethelon. You're going to say elephant? Ethelon. Ethelon? Ethelon. Right.

Well, either say that or you say the real answer. Because I will be a prick at docu points. Come on. Ethelon. All right. Elephant. at docking points. Come on, effluent. All right, elephant. Wait, number 39. Elephant. Here we go.

Elephant, give me the money. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. I have a token. Lovely, lovely stuff. I have a token. It makes me feel so grand. I have a token. It's so shiny. I have a token.

Put it in my hiney. Like a little penny slot. one, two, three. I will give you a treat if you put it up me. Is this Bill? It's not Bill, is it? No, this is the choir boy again. What will the present be if you put a penny in me? Spooge!

Right, next card. It's my turn. I will go with question seven. Have you got seven? We didn't need to split these up. We could have just put them in the middle of the table. I haven't got it. You've got it, turn. I will go with question seven. Have you got seven? We didn't need to split these up. We could have just put them in the middle of the table. I haven't got it. You've got it, mate.

Here you go. You ready? I am ready. Question seven, please. A useful key on a piano is a middle. What? It is a bit like blankety blank, isn't it? Blankety blank.

Blankety blank. Ba-ding-dong-ding. Blankety blank. I put my token in my meters and grip it very tight. I twang it, twang it, twang it all through the night. Oh, me twangy penis with me token in the hole. Oh, I'm a naughty little mole. Splodge, splodge, splodge.

I forgot what the question is now, so thank you. What is the question? A useful key on the piano. Yeah, is a middle what? A useful key on the piano. Is a middle finger to all of this. I'll give a middle finger to this game. It's a middle C.

This is question seven. Turn it around. Let's see. Where is it? Is it a middle C? I think you're going to be right. That's what I think. It's C.

It's a C. You get another token. Hey, ding-a-long-a-ling-a-long-a-ling. I've got two tokens and this is what I sing. Right, go on. Next. I would like question... What's that one?

I can't see. That one. That's 38. Oh, you'll like this one. A nice C. Oh... What's that one? I can't see. That one. That's 38. Oh, you'll like this one. And I see... Oh, no. Is it? I don't know.

What animal features opposite the unicorn in Britain's Royal Coat of Arms? A lion, Paul. Is it a lion? Yes. Let's find out if you're lying or lying. Incorrect. Here we go. Poop the door.

There's a red lion. Hey, ding-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling. A meter slot. How many at this stage in the game? Two at a piece. It's exciting times. At this point, do we do all 25 or do we do first to five?

Let's fucking jack it in and do the end of the show, Paul. Put some effort in you. I tried. I tried. I tried. But this game's shit. I'm going to go with question 48. Can't even see the bloody numbers in the questions.

Now, most of it is just us going, what's that number on there? And then going, where's the card? Oh, you've got it. Hand it over. Where's the gameplay? I'm not having fun. I'm having a very substandard gaming experience here. No, yes I am.

Mate, will you read that question out? I've picked... I forgot what... You're making me forget everything. I've dropped one of my tokens. Good, you got two. What's not on the table at the end doesn't count as a point, so you either get it now or it doesn't count as a point.

Oh, you cruel, cruel man. Come on. If you want to play the game and you want to win... Do you want to hear this question? Yeah. Right, so token stays on the floor. Still counts. Don't look at me like that.

I'm just going to eat your willy. You will not. Chewing it like a dog's toy. Listen. Like that. Don't try and nick things that my characters do. What? What do your characters do?

Firstly, you did... Your impression of fucking Wogan sounded just like Storytown Grandad. Storytown Grandad? Just like... You can cut it. Yeah, no, I'm not going to. Just like Storytime Grandad. Fuck you. Go on. And now, ooh, I'll eat the dick.

That's what Grandad, Storytime Grandad does. Yeah, but just like your characters, I intend to bolster them with some actual talent and creativity and thought. Are you ready for this question? And nuance. Are you ready for this question? Yes. Also, you said balls, I said dick. Genitals. No, penis is very different from a ball. If you ever chewed on a penis

and a balls, then you'll know the difference. Story time. This is irrelevant because story time grandad does the whole lot. A daily newspaper which was first published on the 15th of September 1964 is the sun. Is that there?

This is fun, this bit, when we look for the number on the grid and it doesn't matter. It's the sun. Ding, ding, ding. Right, so I've got three. That means you have to

get this one right to stay in the game, otherwise I win. Okay, fine. All right, here we go. What number do you want? This is shit, man. This is not shit.

This is a great game. Number six. Number six. Here we go. Let's have a look at number six, shall we? I've got it here. Big surprise. Number six.

Where's that one at the top? Right. Oh, Terry. Even your status as a national treasure couldn't save this. That's why I only rasted fucking two years. This is terrible. It's not very good.

You know what? On behalf of Cheap Show and Gannon's Golden Games, I apologize. This game sucks, man. Here's your question, anyway. It was cheap, though, wasn't it? Yeah, it was cheap. I got it for like £3 and on eBay. And when I got it, it was absolutely brand new.

It's mint on card. Mint on card! We've been popping these tokens out of the... Fresh from the board. Fresh from the board fresh from the board satisfying yeah I'll say that for you

that's nice that's probably been the best bit about this here's your question then pop a pop I hope I can pop my third one out I hope you can do that too

but you won't really it's a hard question is it what does the French word je translate as what does the French word

je translate as come on you could win or you could tie it je je je

je je je je I can't think of anything no you can't can you je spoff oh there it is

there it is je gooey gooey oh fuck off you know what it's like drowning doing this show sometimes it's like drowning Legit Doing this show sometimes It's like wading through

Just Spunk Metaphors Isn't it Just The metaphorical sea of spunk Are you drowning in a sea of Metaphorical spunk

I am Yeah You're taking big mouthfuls Every time you go down My My That's what I believe it means Je

Is my Yeah Which means Je My My No that's no Ma is my isn't it oh mate what you gonna say I'm not gonna say my come on what you're gonna go with sure my hell my name is is name your name is your you knew hell hell is name ooh come on mate you. I'm going to... Five, four, three, two...

I. One. What are you going to go with? I. I. Question number six. Is it I? Yes!

It's I. What are you... Jeremy, fuck. This is twice now. You've gone... Can I pop it out myself? Yeah, you pop it out. Right, we're going to sudden death then.

All right. We are neck and neck on the tokens. I tell you what, because all the answers are the same, you can ask any question you like from this point on from the card. What do you mean? It's like round one, round two, round three, round four, but all the answers are the same. So no matter what the answer to answer 16 is,

it will always be the same for each question. Well, they're meant to get harder, doesn't it? Yeah. So let's give you a hard one. I want round four, and I want question 12. Okay. Have you got it? Yes. All right, cool. Round I want question 12. Okay. Have you got it? Yes. All right cool. You pick any question you want on that card for round for question 12

Round four though. Whatever you want. Whatever one you want. Whatever you think will trick me. Because if I get this one, then you have to get the next one right to win. Oh it's sudden death. Ah nice. Yeah. It's sudden death. Come on, pick a question that you think is gonna get me. Just. It's on death. Come on, pick a question then that you think is going to get me. There's only eight of them. Pick one. I've got one.

Right, good. Paul. Yes. Answer me this, if you will. I'll try. And remember, it's sudden death. Yes. So if you get this wrong, and I get mine right, you win and I'll out. You die.

Yeah, that's right. Ah ha ha ha. Come on then. I've got this question for you. Please, please, please. Ha ha ha ha. Come on then. I've got this question for you. Please. Please. Please. Paul, where do Monroe...

It was like this fucking guy was in the taxi with today. At one point, because of these conversations, I didn't know what he was going to say. And he was like, I went to this hospital the other day. And I was like, yeah. And I don't know if he was going to say, it was a shit fest, horrible place, or it was a wonderful hospital. Right. And I was wondering which side he was going to go on so I knew

what to do and then he went went to this hospital the other day yeah oh you wouldn't believe it go on oh if I told you

alright it's just oh sometimes you think what and you think I don't know what you think what's your opinion

so I went to this hospital yeah oh and you wouldn't believe it what the fuck it was a shit hole right? It was a shit hole. Right. Okay. It was a shit hole. Yeah.

That's fine. You ready for your last question? Yes. Possibly your last question. Yes. Where do

Monroe baggers head? Where does Monroe baggers head? I knew you'd

like this, John. How is Monroe baggers spelled? Where do Monroe

baggers head? Where do Monroe Baggers head? Where do Munro Baggers head? Perfectly normal. Nothing about this makes sense. I don't understand any of the words in that sentence. I can see why Total Recall makes sense in round three or four.

Because if you don't know the answer, you may have answered the same answer in an earlier question earlier in the game. We're not playing it right. We're not playing it right. And we are, in terms of this show, suffering as a result. No, no. We're not playing it right. We're not playing it right. And we are, in terms of this show, suffering as a result. Oh, no. So, I don't know. You have to play multiple rounds.

Is it two? Can you play it with two? Yeah, you can play it with up to like four or five, I think. Yeah, but what I mean is can you play it with as little as two? Yeah.

Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, I'm going to say north. Right. Turn it over. What is it? Question 12. Yes.

Munro baggers head. Where do they head? You said north. Let's see where they actually head. Here we go. I'm going to reveal it. Scotland. I guess that's close.

I have no idea what a Munro bagger is. It sounds like something from the fucking Lord of the Rings. Yes. Oh, where's old Munro bagger? It really does. Oh, he's giving the old white wizard a fucking big old job. This links in with your whole theme of places in Scotland not actually existing. There's no such place as Scotland.

I don't understand why people can't understand that. Scotland hasn't existed since about, I think, 1840, something like that. Check the internet. Do your own research, yeah. Right, so I got that wrong, so no for me. So you get to pick a question now. This is my chance to knock you out. You could win this.

Win this. This could be an episode of Eli Wins. Golden Games. I could win both segments. You could. This could be your clean sweep episode. Right, it's your... I need to pick a number.

Any number you want, mate. I'm feeling 1974. 47. 47. Have I got 47? Come on, baby. Let's have it. Nice easy one. You get to pick the most obscure clue on the card, of course. Right, there it is. Here. 47. Come on, baby. Let's have it. Nice easy one.

You get to pick the most obscure clue on the card, of course. Right. There it is. Here we go. I'm going to try and find the right bugger for you. I did. Because a lot of them were easy for Scotland. Right.

Right. I'm going to read it just as it is on the card. Okay. And again, this probably helps if you've played the game the first few rounds and you know what the answers are. But let's see. The question is, the assembled guard in Dad's army. The assembled guard in dad's army the assembled guard in dad's army what's the answer well i don't know the assembled guard in dad's army territorial he's pushing it over do you want to stick with territorial

home home guard the home guard is the assembled guard in Dad's army called the Home Guard. Let's find out. Come on, Eli! Swoop into victory! Blow! Ah, fuck off! It is indeed Home. Eli has won, and he has won Total Recall. Hand me that token. Hello there, Eli. Perfect Recall. Perfect Recall. I can't even remember it.

It's ironic in many respects, maybe, that a game called Perfect Recall is utterly unrememberable. Yeah, well, it was fun. Eli won. Eli, you have won fair and square. You have beaten the show, the format, and importantly, my soul today.

I know, sorry. Come on, you're happy. We can both celebrate my victory in Brand Off. Off-Brand Brand Off. No, it was good. It was a textbook, textbook example of the show. I did a swapped around, swapped the beans around right at the last minute. Beautiful stuff.

I'm not complaining. This is an Eli show this week. We start the show by saying Eli sets housekeeping at the end then. Yeah, let's do that because that will be interesting. Join us after the sound effect. Hey, Paul. Yeah, Eli. What did you say the deadline for the Eurovision

song contest entrance was? I didn't. Moving on, you slowed it. You will be jibber. I mean, you can't just say you will be jibber. Take it again. Hey, Paul. Yeah. When did you say the deadline was for that song contest that we're running later this year?

The Eurovision 2021. Did you say there was some kind of deadline where people need to get their entries? Yes. I would like your entries by the end of April. End of April is the cutoff point. The last day of April, no more songs will be admitted. I will get rid of them. Unless we only get two.

And then I'll put them on. It won't be like that. We've already had two in. And we had 13 entries last year. Maybe there'll be more. Maybe there'll be less. We just don't know. But now is your chance. And also, I forgot to mention, ah, if you just want to hear the songs from that episode, because it was a three-hour episode,

if you just want to hear all the music and a few surprises, you can download the whole album now on Bandcamp. Well done. You managed to get it. For free. Yes it yes for free but you can put a donation on there if you want but i'll put a link in the description for this podcast but also there'll be if you just look for bandcamp cheap show podcast you'll download the only album well done for which is your envision 2020 with all the songs like the between and dance of the colored blocks that was the winner fruit salad which was universally reviled, but I want more of that.

No, not, I mean, you'd like some variation. Some variation, but I like the wild card nature of it. Perhaps the creator of fruit salad will do an updated version. Everyone's invited from around the world, a global competition.

Not just Europe. Not just Europe. Not just Europe. No, it's a world show. And we'll get all those judges back, hopefully, to do another judging. And on the 21st of May, live on Twitch, we will do your Envision 2021 live.

And you can watch it, hopefully, unless lockdown happens and we're all fucked again. Because, you know, this country. Could happen. Right. So that's to bear in mind. Now, Eli, with that all said and done, you can do the admin.

Thank you so much for listening to Cheap Show. We are a weekly podcast and we are very present in all of the social media outlets. We're on Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr. The Twitter account is...

You look panicked. I can see the panic in your eyes. I've never seen that much of the white around your eyes and that's why I know you're panicked. can see the panic in your eyes I've never seen that much of a white around your eyes and that's why I know you're panicked it's fine it's not though is it

on Twitter we're Cheap Show no we're not we're The Cheap Show this is pathetic you've had five and a half years now we also have a

if you like the show and you want to see photographs of the game the Wogan game and the beans you're making a mess of this and it's an embarrassment

we do have a website for the podcast. You're slaying your wins today with this embarrassing display. A website for the podcast. Links to all the previous episodes there, Paul. And that is at thecheapshow.co.uk. It is thecheapshow.co.uk. And I'm on, you also have a Twitter account. It's hard, isn't it?

Rated PG. No, it's not. It's definitely not that. Right, stop. Pictures for this episode go to our website, thecheapshow.co.uk. I said that. It's a one-stop shop, our website, because you can also get links to our merch page, Tony's merch page, events, Cheap Show magazine page.

Magazine page. There's also links to our videos on there as well and all sorts of little surprises. So go there. It's a one-stop shop. Also, we have the Bandcamp thing. I'll put a link up on the podcast. Put the Urine Vision last year. Also, a lot of you beautiful people

help support this podcast with Patreon. And if you'd like to join in and get all the extra bonus videos and pods and magazines and all sorts, it's patreon.com forward slash cheap show. Simple. Also, people like to send us stuff. They can if they want to.

Which we can review. We review food, knickknacks, noodle sauces. If you want to send something to a P.O. Box and have it featured on the show, it's cheap show.

P.O. Box 1309 Harrow HA19QJ We've done the email. We've done the Twitter. We haven't done our Twitter handles. At the Cheap Show Pod,

I'm at Paul Gannon's show and Eli is. Yeah, but you're called R the Twitter. We haven't done our Twitter handles. At the Cheap Show Pod, I'm at Paul Gallant Show and Eli is. Yeah, but you're called Rated PG. I'm not. I'm not. It doesn't matter anyway what you call yourself. The actual handle's the important thing.

Well, I won't say Eli Snowed then. It is. That's the actual way to contact you. Oh, yeah. That's how they find you. Eli Snowed. E-L-I-S-N-O-R-D. I don't know why you're having a problem

with this fucking... That's right. We're right near the end Paul yeah the very end of my tinkity tonk tether

right I think Inchman wants to come and say something no no no I want to just make sure I've got all the admin out so Patreon

well he's coming up he's not though it's not happening no I can see him he's walking towards me he's looking at me if you'd like some content uninterrupted by

Eli and his characters I do have a new YouTube channel called Ganonland just put my first video It's not happening No I can see him He's walking towards me He's looking at me If you'd like some content Uninterrupted by Eli And his characters I do have a new YouTube channel Called Ganonland Just put my first video up If you'd like to watch it Give it a try And comment and subscribe

And ring a bell Whatever the fuck they ask you To do on YouTube Can I come on it please And do my lighters No Because that's the point of Ganonland It's for Ganon

But I can behave It's Ganon's land I'd come along with my lighters Yeah go on Digi Or go on Cheapshow and do it But you're not allowed in Ganonland There's a big sign outside literally saying no elise allowed all right then all right so you're not allowed in ganon land fine i'm putting me i'm sorry it has to come out during the recording you're never going to be on ganon land well i'm writing a movie oh yeah yes no it's

good i'm working on it yeah yeah it's a comedy good right and i don't want to give anything away yeah because it's not been written yet. Or you have an idea. The script doesn't exist yet. I'm working on it with some other people. Some people I've collaborated with in the past. Inch man. No. Oh, right.

Okay. It's real, Paul. Yeah. Okay. It's real, mate. All right. No worries. Shut up.

Fuck you. How's the book coming along? You can't. Shut up. Start writing your book. I have started writing my book. You say anything that goes against your fucking myth of me, you just go, no, I don't believe that's true.

No, it's not true. You can't just suppress me. I'm a creative. It's not about that. It's more about I control your reality. No, you fucking don't. I'm writing a movie with my friends. Yeah, of course you are, because I've just said you can.

Shut up. So have fun writing your movie. I hope my inflection imposed the air quotes around the word movie just then. Anything you want to say? You've really soured it. Are you going to write a song? Are you going to write a song?

Well, you won today and I don't like it. I've won twice. I've won both segments. And I'm done with it. I'm done with this. I'm done with you. Goodbye then.

Goodbye then. Bye. Bye then. Bye. I don't want to. You complain about wet mouth and you're just making wet mouth. Yeah, but it's a different kind of wet mouth

I'm tapping on the mic innit some people really hate that so let's end on that goodbye everyone bye