CheapShow - Ep 219: Dirty Rugby Songs

Starting point is 00:00:00 Would you like to begin this week, sir? Yeah, sure. You make a big deal out of it every week about how setting the tone's important, so why don't you set the tone, Mr Eli J, for Jacob Silverman? I will. Paul, what's your middle name again? Derek. No, it's not Derek.

Starting point is 00:00:14 Why not? What makes you look at me and think it's a Derek? Is it Philip? No, it's not Philip. Is it Reginald? Is it boring? Is it Harry? Is it Tony?

Starting point is 00:00:23 Paul, let me set the tone by spending a lot of time asking about your middle name. Is it... A part of me just wants you to drone on. Are you called Paul Paul Gannon? Were you that Catholic that you were called Double Paul? No, my name was Double Paul Gannon. It's actually on my birth certificate, Double Paul Gannon. That's what it is.

Starting point is 00:00:41 Right, so you're not going to tell me. Would you like to know? Would you like to know? Yes. Despite the fact that you've known me for more than 10 years now and I always remember your name. That's because I've got a fucking kick-ass. I'm a better friend than you. I think we could all agree that. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:00:58 You are a horrible shit. Right, welcome to Cheap Show, ladies and gentlemen. No, that's not the intro. That's not the fucking intro. No. You were snoozing. You were snoozing, so you're losing. No, I'll do it gentlemen that's not the intro that's not the fucking intro no you were snoozing you were snoozing so you're losing no i'll do the intro i'll do it right now go on hello ladies and gentlemen i'm eli silverman it's time for another edition of cheap show and the other person presenting this absolutely great comedy pod economy comedy pod to you is paul gannon there There's Paul over there. Hello, Paul.

Starting point is 00:01:26 Hello, my name is Paul Michael Gannon. Welcome to Cheap Show. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of cheap show You're gonna have to learn to fucking accept Cheap show Cheap show

Starting point is 00:02:04 It's the price of shite Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheap Show And I go and I nuzzle What have we got coming up on the show today, Paul? Well, in a on the show today, Paul? Well, in a lightly packed show today,

Starting point is 00:02:30 we have just more cheap show goodness. In fact, if I can quote Eli Silverman, just press record and we'll talk shit. It's all gold, mate. They lap it up. There you see. See how much for granted he takes you, listener. Whereas I love you with all my bosom. Paulul i've codified that joke we came up with

Starting point is 00:02:45 which one the elo right stop you didn't come up with any of it oh this wee business i've codified it nonetheless codify and faithless i hope you understand what the fuck uh Anyway. I was doing that Justified and Ancient. The KLF? Yeah. We're justified and we're ancient. And we're ancient. Was that Dusty Springfield? No. KLF and Tammy Wynette.

Starting point is 00:03:15 Oh. So what did Dusty Springfield sing? What was that song she sung in the 90s that was popular? That was the Pet Shop Boys. Pet Shop Boys and Dusty Springfield? Yeah. With what? Shopping with Dusty, it was called. Shopping with Dusty is one of my favourite Pet Shop Boys. Pet Shop Boys and Dusty Springfield? Yeah. With what?

Starting point is 00:03:26 Shopping with Dusty, it was called. Shopping with Dusty is one of my favourite Pet Shop Boys songs. I'm glad you brought it up. It doesn't get enough respect. Can you sing a bit of it for me? Yeah, I was just going to say. Just remind me. Shall I remind you by singing you a bit of it? Please do.

Starting point is 00:03:37 Oh, I've just got to remember it. Hang on. I'm thinking. It's got that kind of weird Pet Shop Boys-y synth-y bass line. It was like... I was going... Yeah, I remember it now. It was like, I go shopping.

Starting point is 00:03:49 Here is Dusty. Dusty's here. We are shopping. Oh, do some keyboard. Right, good. It's not how I remember it. It's not how I remember it. Paul, let's just do the joke.

Starting point is 00:04:02 Let's just do a clean version of it. Just, you know. Right. So I say I say I say Do I have to sit here and you tell me my joke back to me I say I say I say Um Uh Fucking hell mate come on Comedy's about timing

Starting point is 00:04:21 You can't just go I say I say I say I say I say I say Then you come, I say. I say, I say, I say. Then you, come on, give me something back. Respond by saying, what do you say? No, you don't respond to I say, I say, I say. That's the whole point of I say, I say, I say. You're drawing the attention of the audience and they listen. Otherwise, you're doing a knock-knock joke.

Starting point is 00:04:41 Okay. Do you want to make this a knock-knock joke? No. This is pathetic. Just because we've done one joke in the past 200 episodes doesn't mean we need to workshop it now. Listen, I'm workshopping it. I say, I say, I say.

Starting point is 00:04:53 Silent. What do you say? Stay silent! Oh, we are doing a reaction now. Fuck me. Only because you want one. Right. I'm starting again. I wish we could get a new host. I say, I say, I say. What do you say? What band does a policeman join?

Starting point is 00:05:08 I've heard it's ELO, ELO, ELO. Oh, you fucking nicked the gag line from me. Well, that's the problem, isn't it? That's the problem when you do a call and response. You could get it stolen from you. The joke should be, I say, I say, I say, I've heard a policeman's favourite pop band is ELO, ELO, ELO. Paul, you know what? If you

Starting point is 00:05:27 keep trying to nick... This is a waste of our time and our listeners. If you're going to nick that joke for me, yeah, there's going to be a showdown. No, I don't know what you mean. It's another famous ELO track. Showdown. Right. If you were female i could say

Starting point is 00:05:47 oh you're such an evil woman that's another one of their tunes oh you're such a mr blue sky officer this is awful we can't suddenly become an elo pun based gag machine i think we should oh they've got a lot of stuff. Mate, can we stop this? Please, don't bring me down. Fucking excellent. We could do this forever. Unfortunately, we may have to. We're late on stuff this week.

Starting point is 00:06:15 So, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast. We go through the charity shops, the bargain bins and power lands of this great fair country. And we pull out the treasure that we find amongst the trash. And this week, we are delving into a Cheap Eats segment. And I've got a little Paul's Page Turner to enlighten you with today. Oh, lovely. I do want to say that your Envision entries have been coming in. We've had seven now since we announced it.

Starting point is 00:06:39 So that's already half of what we got last year. And they're all interesting. I've been listening to a few. I think it's only fair that I listen to them at the moment i will say this though they've all been coming in they're all kind of nice but they're kind of samey in that they're kind of soundscapey trippy kind of things of samples and that's fine we're not saying don't do that but if you're sitting out there going oh don't want an acoustic track with me just doodling on my guitar then yeah we do we want anyone to come in and get involved and have a go.

Starting point is 00:07:05 So do. All styles, all types of music are welcome. Are you sort of saying they're all a bit moogy so far? Not moogy so much as they're similar in theme to each other in terms of they're kind of like nice music things with you going, I shat the bed, bed, bed. It's that kind of thing. I haven't shat the bed in years.

Starting point is 00:07:29 Good. It shouldn't be something you make a calendar day about. No, I don't make a calendar day. Monday morning, shat the bed. Textbook. Paul, I just want people to know, you know, that I'm not, I don't really. I wash my body and I don't, I shit in the loo like everyone else. And, you know, it's not cool or big. It's not cool or big, you know, to shit the bed.

Starting point is 00:07:50 What is, though, extremely cool is having a bedroom called the House of Pickles and then actually having fucking pickles in my bedroom, mate. Yes. He's showing me a jar of what looks like, it daytona pickles i can't see it because of the light dawton pickles door toner door toner is that like um a race for pickles that goes around around in a circle no it's just the word door toner paul i know but i was trying to do an idea about daytona pickles racing around oh you know what forget it no i'll do it i can do it for you see i'm mr creative today and i will just do it are you ready I'll do it. I can do it for you. See, I'm Mr. Creative today, and I will just do it.

Starting point is 00:08:25 Are you ready? Yes. And in first place, we have Pickle going around the corner. And coming up behind Pickle, we've got Chutney. Chutney's coming in on the second lane. Chutney's on the second lane. Oh, Chutney's going to have to go in for a pit stop. And what will they be doing with Chutney in the pit stop?

Starting point is 00:08:42 Yes, they'll be taking little bits of rutabaga out of the chutney and replacing it with fresh fresh rutabaga back to you jim oh he's out of the stop and chutney's rearing to go and he's gone right out okay that was your best piece of prolonged improvisation i think we've ever had on the show not necessarily your funniest but definitely your most prolonged and cohesive. Now, look at those. They're swimming around in there. Yeah. The pickles.

Starting point is 00:09:10 They look like dicks in piss. Yeah. I've been eating them. Dicks in piss. Pickled piss, isn't it? Pickled dick. Is that it? That's all you had to say?

Starting point is 00:09:19 You're not even telling me what they are like. Are they good pickles? Yeah, they're Polish. And it says pickled gherkins and then underneath in polish it says a gherky looks awoey which must mean pickled gherkins they're probably a bit they're probably ah mate you need to stop talking about pickles i'm actually getting severe pain in my sides why why i'm having a violent reaction to your content. I'm just, ah, it hurts, you miserable twat. Shut up.

Starting point is 00:09:49 Hang on, let me finish this Your Envision thing. So, please get in touch and send your entries, WAV or MP3, to thecheapshow at gmail.com. It's that simple. And we'll just send them in and we'll see how it goes. Maybe we'll get more than last year hopefully that'd be nice well it sounds like we're on course to get more now paul doesn't it because what how many were there 11 last year no there were 13 tracks last year okay and we're already over halfway but seven we might have there's still a what another two months we

Starting point is 00:10:21 might have to do a first round you know what i I mean? Where we get rid of a few. Oh, what, like elimination? That's a good idea. Yeah. The problem with that is that it kind of feels like we'd end up revealing too many of the songs for the actual live one and some of the surprise is gone.

Starting point is 00:10:34 Oh, that's true. These are all things we're going to have to work out between me and Eli at Cheap Show HQ when we get down to brass tacks and really start bashing it out. Yes. And Eli, I can't wait to start bashing it out yes and eli i can't wait to start bashing it out with you can i just say never why can't why is it all right for you just to go wank wank

Starting point is 00:10:51 wank wank wank wank as soon as i say i don't know shit the bed you know what i've got nothing here i'm saying nothing and i've got nothing i'm just saying it in a certain way, all right? So... I'm just saying it in a certain way to make it seem like what you're saying has urgency. I'm feeling extremely empty on the inside, Paul, and I feel like I've got nothing to give this week. Sorry. Eli, for every wank gag I do this episode, right? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:11:21 I will give you 50p. Oh, in the money! And I swear to god if i any spoff gags wank gags flaccid or erect penis material any genitalia material today all right i was going to ask what about fannies you don't let what about fannies that's what or butts what about fannies that's a question. I think it has to count. I think, you know, masturbation, spoffed, ejaculate, orgasming, any kind of sexual, that comes out of my mouth. How about this?

Starting point is 00:11:55 How about this for a pay scale? So for your everyday run-of-the-mill spoff gag, 50p. Right. Fannies are a quid, but £1.50. £1.50 for what? Anal play. Right, anal play is £1. Right. Fannies are a quid, but £1.50. £1.50 for what? Anal play. Right, anal play's £1.50. So I could theoretically mix and match the things I wanted to make jokes of,

Starting point is 00:12:15 providing I balanced out the payment to you. That's known as the works, or going around the world. So if I verbally go around the world today, I have to give you what, a tenner? Yeah. Oh, shall I eat some fucking shitty chocolate bars then? Wait, I forgot to say, did you see that QI thing on Twitter? Where it was like, you can audibly hear a bee ejaculate. Yeah. That must have set you off.

Starting point is 00:12:40 What do you mean set me off? Aren't you the bee lover? I don't... You're the bee lover. You're always going on about getting bees, taking bees roughly. I like drones. Drones don't have sex, so they won't be the ones ejaculating. It's only the ones that the queen specially selects to ejaculate

Starting point is 00:12:55 that she chooses to mate with. I don't like those. I like drones. I like the hooded beetle bonnet of a drone bee. Nice and smooth. God. They've got of a drone bee. Nice and smooth. God. They've got like a little ken. You know what?

Starting point is 00:13:10 I was going to ask a bunch of questions and I thought, no, every answer will ruin this show. So we're going to move on. I just thought it was interesting that you can hear a bee come. Now, that's not a joke. That is me just stating a news article for discussion. It is not...

Starting point is 00:13:24 No, okay, fine. Yes, apparently... I just want to make sure. They've got all weird things, haven't they, bees, not a joke that is me just stating a news article for discussion it is not no okay fine yes apparently i just want to make sure they've got all weird things haven't they bees with their sort of their lower ends you can hear them ejaculate when they sting it rips their abdomen in half do you know what i mean what else wait i've actually got a recording of the bee ejaculate if you want to hear it i'd love to hear that i think it's going to be a screechy sound i think it's going to be like someone play it if you want to hear it i'd love to hear that i think it's going to be a screechy sound i think it's going to be like someone play it for you now good game Good game. Paul, Paul.

Starting point is 00:14:12 I hate you, butler. That's 50p. Yeah, all right, that's 50p. I'll take that. It was worth it for Brucey B. I actually have a recording, though, Paul, because I've done some research, yeah. I actually do have a recording of it., because I've done some research. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:14:28 I actually do have a recording of it. I've got it here on my laptop. All right, go for it. Do you want to hear it? Play it for me now. On my laptop. Okay. Just give me a sec.

Starting point is 00:14:34 Okay. I found it. You ready? Go for it. That's it. It's good, isn't it? Why no? Good. Good. They're little high-pitched little fuckers, aren't it? Right, no, good. Good.

Starting point is 00:14:48 They're little high-pitched little fuckers, aren't they? If you slow that down, you could probably hear it going, Oh, baby, yeah, I'm giving it to you so hard. That's what it is. You slow it down, all you can hear is, Oh, I've got a crop of grumbler. That is a quid so far, far mate I lured you into it alright fucking hell

Starting point is 00:15:07 let's just carry on with the show then alright well Paul now's the time the time is now and it's time for Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa

Starting point is 00:15:19 Cheepa Cheep Eats Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheep Eats Cheep Cheep Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheep Eats Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheep Eats. A Cheep Cheep Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheep Eats. A Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Cheepa Che Oh, do you know what we have as well? But you want to be in the room, or should I? No, you can try them. I think it's only fair. The audience have been crying out for opinion. And I think because you are the hoof master,

Starting point is 00:15:49 it's worth you taking these on. So, yes, cheap eats at the same time with the show where we go and look around for cheap food or food that we find of interest, which is a little bit unusual. So what have we got? Let's start off with those crisps then. Yes.

Starting point is 00:16:02 Now, these have been sent to us on Twitter a lot, Paul. They're on our radar in a big way, coming in like a big crisp packet shaped Armageddon. A big... Like a snack rapture. Yes. A snack rapture.

Starting point is 00:16:20 And it's going like a big behemoth. Like a big crispy behemoth i'm sorry it's today's episode the episode you reveal yourself to be the new michael winslow from police academy just all your little sound effects here comes the crisps god he's turning into michael winslow. He'll be doing helicopter impressions next. I can't do those. I can't pronounce my R's. I've got no...

Starting point is 00:16:47 You know, say the word reticulate and roll the R. Reticulate. You bastard. You can't do that. You can't roll your R's. Don't do it on camera, mate, please. That's horrible. Oh, no.

Starting point is 00:17:03 All of a sudden I'm imagining being attacked by a bee. It's horrible. Now, these are Walker's Max Kentucky Fried Chicken flavour. And there's a little picture of the Colonel on the packet. They've done a clever thing with the design where he's sort of half in shade and that means you don't get the little man effect. You know, you get the little man effect with the Colonel where his tie looks like his little feet in his arms and you

Starting point is 00:17:28 think once you see it you can't stop seeing it and it looks like he's a little big-headed colonel right i mean i don't know that but now i understand vividly what you've painted in your mind with that image they've avoided that apparently i've heard people people say that the extra spicy one is good, but that this one, which is just the normal Kentucky Fried Chicken flavour one, is just like a chicken flavoured snack. So we'll be seeing if there's any difference. Well, that's the thing, isn't it? It's like Walker's Max range are a range of Max flavours,

Starting point is 00:17:57 like all the hot flavours or the spiciest or whatever, but it's the Max. And they're always ridged as well to hold that flavour in. They are ridged. That's the other identifying attribute's the Max. And they're always ridged as well to hold that flavour in. They are ridged. That's the other identifying attribute of the Max brand. Now, this won't be. No, I need to say this quite clearly. A serious moment. This coming snack test will not be part of the League of Snacks and Crisps.

Starting point is 00:18:19 This is a totally different subsidiary of that league. This is merely, I want to say, a kind of focus group, a kind of feedback. We're giving the makers of these products a bit of a feedback of what we think they're like in terms of quality. It's just a bit of a preliminary meeting. They have to go through levels and levels

Starting point is 00:18:37 if they want to get into the league, Paul. And this is just the first little huff, the first huff of goodness. And I can't speak. I don't know what to say. Right, shall I taste them then? Well, here's the thing. You can't just walk up to us and say, all right, mate, can we put our crisps in your bloody

Starting point is 00:18:54 league of snacks and crisps? And we'll be like, nah, stroll on, mate. Yeah. You know, have you been around the block longer than a chipstick? Have you? Fuck, get out of my sight, you wrecked, wrecked man. Wrecked? Wrecked, man. Wrecked. Isn't a word,

Starting point is 00:19:08 is it? Wrecked? No. Well, it is a word. I'll give you the, I'll give you the an example, shall I? Yeah. Ooh, I did lieth down in the pond, and I have drunketh the bottle of vodka, and now I am so wrecked.

Starting point is 00:19:25 I'll eat these crisps then, shall I? Dear God, just eat the crisps, would you please? I'm going in for the huff. Eli is tearing a small corner of the bag out with his teeth. Just a small hole. The huff. I'm concertining it into my huff hole.

Starting point is 00:19:39 He's squeezing the bag like, I don't know, massaging a heart. Feeding the huff into his nose and what are you getting from the huff? I don't know, massaging a heart, feeding the hoof into his nose, and what are you getting from the hoof? I'm getting a very distinct classic Walker's roast chicken flavour sub-base, and on top of that, I'm just getting a bit of oregano. It's a bit sort of... Oh, really?

Starting point is 00:19:58 It's a more herby chicken flavoured crisp hoof, but not that much more herby. But here's the thing. Isn't the whole secret to KFC, is its secret blend of herbs and spices? That's right. Have they copied that over into the flavouring? Yeah, they must have. They can't let that secret out to walkers.

Starting point is 00:20:15 If walkers have that kind of power, oh, they could take over the world. Do you know what I do believe? I may be corrected, but I think Frito-Lay are lays, and they have Kentucky Fried, and they also have Walker's. So there's no conflict. It's the same company. They don't have to share their herb mix with anyone. The herb and spices stay in-house.

Starting point is 00:20:36 Year by year, we're turning more into a Judge Dredd society with the mega corporations taking over everything. There's just going to be two. You know what I mean? There's just going to be two. Next year, probably, halfway through the year. The final two mergers will happen, like two black holes.

Starting point is 00:20:50 You know, you'll have Disney circling Frito-Lay. Yeah. And then suddenly there'll be only one megacorp. Dislay. Now, they are a tidy-looking crisp. I'll give them that. Their ridges are a compact ridge compared to, say, a, you know, what are the others? What's the most famous?

Starting point is 00:21:09 Roysters. No, they're bubble crisps, you twat. McCoy's. Not Roysters, McCoy's. McCoy's, yeah. Sounds like a Western. The Roysters versus the McCoys. Hoo-wee.

Starting point is 00:21:19 They're potato farmers and they were shooting and tooting. I hear your sister's dating the McCoy. Don't you tell me, young boy, about dating no McCoy. I'm a rooster. Right. Not a rooster. I'm a roister, sorry. Daddy, I'm in love with Bobby Royster.

Starting point is 00:21:38 Well, you can just leave this family behind for we will not be associated with the likes of those bubbly bastards. Oh daddy you don't know nothing about love etc. It's kind of nice this story. I like it. Uh excuse me excuse me

Starting point is 00:21:53 excuse me. Yeah. I'm Barbara Royster and I'm here to take your daughter to the dance. You best turn around right now boy and walk away cause we ain't having any of your roister-doistering in my family. Oh, okay. I guess I'll just go home and use old Nanny Hessian sack,

Starting point is 00:22:16 which generations of the roisters have used to spank up into. I can't do a retort, otherwise I'll get fined. Right, I'm going to taste one of these. On a serious note, Paul, that they have a these Max branded crisps have a very narrow gauge ruffle, or whatever you would call it, crinkle.

Starting point is 00:22:38 I can see. No, they're a very thin ridge. A thin ridge rather than a wide ridge. Well, hold us back no longer. Just eat the fucking crisp, please. The fact of the matter is you can fit more ridges in per crisp. Perhaps it's max ridge.

Starting point is 00:22:53 Perhaps that's how they got their name. Maximum ridge per crisp. You know what I mean? I gave her max ridge last night. That's two pounds. Oh, shit. Hang on. Hang on. I've got to keep track of this. What have I done so far? It's £1.50. As I thought, you've just kept. Hang on. I've got to keep track of this. What have I done so far? It's £1.50. As I thought, you've just kept with the dick.

Starting point is 00:23:09 You've kept on the dick side of the equation. He's eating the crisp, and the evaluation is what? We're dying to know. He's taken a second bite. You don't look too impressed. It tastes like a ridged uh chicken roast chicken flavored crisp i can't tell the difference what would what would convince you as a kfc branded snack because you know like when we think about it we're actually probably thinking more about the kind of

Starting point is 00:23:34 battered coating of the crisp in terms of flavor and the actual chicken part yes it really they're really not making much of an effort here there is a slight heat actually there's an after burn which you don't get obviously with roast chicken flavor crisps but you know what this could even be a sort of relaunch of the flavor because it's disappeared from the the corner shops of our nation hasn't it the roast chicken flavor chicken yeah no it's because the common brand now is the sensations roast chicken and chilli or whatever it is now. Sweet chilli, yeah. Or herb. It's all those kind of flavours.

Starting point is 00:24:07 These do have quite a satisfying chilli sort of aftershock that comes up later. But nothing about it says to you KFC. So potentially it could be any bloody chicken flavour. Yeah, if you called this spicy chicken flavour, ridged, I wouldn't go, oh, that tastes like fried chicken. No, it doesn't. No. That's tastes like fried chicken. No. It doesn't. No. That's as simple as that. So that's a quid for how big a bag. Pretty good. How big's the bag? It's

Starting point is 00:24:32 slightly bigger than a normal packet of crisps, isn't it? Yes. It's a grab bag style sort of. 70 grams. Never understood that grab bag sized idea. It's slightly bigger, so we're going to call it a grab bag. Yeah, but you can grab all bags of crisps. Yeah. Even huge ones.

Starting point is 00:24:48 What are they suggesting? That the other size was so small that you couldn't grab it? It was microscopic. Your hands are too big. Your fingers are like huge interstellar sausages. From the viewpoint of the original sized crisp bag, Paul, my sausages,

Starting point is 00:25:04 my fingers, are like huge tentacles from out of space coming down i've lost him boys and girls i've lost him talking about finger sausages here come my big pink sausage monsters wobbling from outer space wobble wobble wobble wobble all right yeah so okay out of 10 seven all right in it it's seven seven yeah nice so not a bad crisp but just not kfc nice crisp but not kfc i would prefer if they didn't have to use all this corporate you know branding they could just go back to roast chicken flavor just go back roast chicken flavor and just have the nice, slightly yellow, yellow packets of yore and you can go...

Starting point is 00:25:48 Yeah, the old yellow packets of yore that you see on eBay that someone's found in a bin and is trying to sell for about £400, which I've never understood because part of me is thinking, who really is going to want to spend

Starting point is 00:26:00 that much money on that? People who collect crisp packets. How does that get valued? You collect, you know, useless TV-based board games to them, want to spend that much money on that people who collect how does that get valued you collect you know useless tv-based board games to them to a crisp packet aficionado you're wasting your life no but with a board game i can play it i can use it i can move it on also i didn't pay that much for it i've usually found bargains it's been cheap i would feel very stupid if I happily pressed the pay now button on eBay for £400 empty bag of 1970s roast chicken crisps.

Starting point is 00:26:30 I think that's a stupid purchase. Paul, I understand your position, but let me let you into a little secret of the crisp bag collecting community. Oh, yeah. Think about it. You mount them on the wall or you present them to people in an album, maybe. You know what you can do? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:26:45 And a lot of people do do this in this community. Yeah. They come in it, right? Right. They leave it out just with the opening of the bag open. So it all dries. It all dries, yeah? And then they mount it or they put it in an album or something.

Starting point is 00:27:02 It is mainly a male sort of thing, this. But there are some female collectors and they just... What, rub their fanny on the inside of a crisp bag? That's a quid. Is that what you're inferring with that? That's a quid. All right.

Starting point is 00:27:19 No, it's not. That's a statement. You said fanny. You said rub their fanny. Yeah, I said fanny. I'm allowed to say fanny. I just can't maybe make a joke of said fanny you said rub their fanny i said fanny i'm allowed to say fanny i just can't maybe make a joke of a fanny or a cock or things coming in and out of those things anyway so once you've either anyway the point is why is anyone coming into an empty bag of crisps

Starting point is 00:27:36 what's the purpose of that so you let it dry out and then you put it in the album or you mount it on the wall or whatever and then when you've got someone you know respectable over for tea or whatever you go oh look do you know what lady hildegard i i collect used crisp packets look at this one and she'll go very interesting nice blocky 70s design all the time you're thinking i can't mean that my spoff's right there see i heard differently i i heard that you know so you know when you buy like there are people who collect cans of beer or lager but to keep them pristine they just prick the bottom yes empty the drink out so the ring pull still is intact so the circles i move in when it comes to crisp bag collecting is that we don't want the crisps inside

Starting point is 00:28:22 but we want them to look full so what you do is you take just a tiny little blade and you cut into the corner. And then with a little bit of skill and practice, you can force shit into it from your bumhole into the crisp packet. And you can fill out the bag. But then you've got a problem with smell. Lady Hildegard's got very big nostrils. Well, no, you seal it again. You seal the bag closed with a little bit of epoxy resin, and it looks just as good as new. And it's got a nice heft to it, a nice load of weight. So you can actually pick it up, and after a while

Starting point is 00:28:51 it does feel crunchy. It does kind of crumble in your hand. I tell you what, mate, if you haven't got the runs as well, you can use that to refill a bag of Bombay Mix. Alright, Paul. Paul, we've lost paul i think right so um it's 17 minutes let's crack on with the rest of this food eating segment so eli what are we moving on to we have some polish chocolate bars um now you and me and we're

Starting point is 00:29:24 both in this together, have misplaced the name of the person who sent this to us, but if you recognise these as something you sent in, get in touch with Paul. We'll give you a bit of a fanfare on the next episode, okay? We'll give your ego a bit of a tickle on social media or in next week's episode.

Starting point is 00:29:39 We do apologise. I'm taking this on. Eli, you don't need to take this on, mate. This is on me. Fine. You just take the blame for everything else. Sure. So what have we got to start with? We have to start with two examples of a chocolate bar that's known as a Goplona. That's the brand. That's the manufacturer.

Starting point is 00:29:58 Goplona. Goplona. Greschke. Greschke? What, the famous hockey player? No, because there's no letter between the R and the Z. It's G-R-Z-E-S-K-I. So that's Greschke or something like that, isn't it?

Starting point is 00:30:11 No, we do not know. So what kind of snack is it then? It looks to be that most common of all snacks from other countries, a chocolate wafer bar, Paul. It is funny how they're kind of prolific and certainly stuff we get sent into the show. I would say 70 70 of that stuff is wafer biscuits i know i know um but there's two flavors but before we go any further that

Starting point is 00:30:32 has reminded me we should do an off-brand brand off with pink wafers oh i don't know i'll be up for it but i don't know i haven't got a lot of uh experience in the wafer game mate how about this then you get them and i do the off-brand brand off i'm a little bit more au fait with the pink wafer and no eli that's not a euphemism okay uh we should uh do a reverse brand off off brand brand off so it would be called brand off brand off instead of off brand brand called fodnrab fodnrab oh. That's it, right. Shall I taste it? Oh, the grand old Duke of Sprough. He had ten thousand men. He spoffed them up to the top of the hill. He spoffed them off

Starting point is 00:31:11 again. And when they were joshed, they were joshed. And when they were tossed, they were tossed. And when he was only halfway tossed, he was covered in this blush. I'm going to give you a fiver for that one. I was going to say, should I start with the plain or the hazelnut? Plain, then hazelnut.

Starting point is 00:31:28 You've got two here, right? So one is the exact same thing, but one's just with a hazelnut chocolate and the other one's a plain chocolate. That's right. And it looks to be quite dark chocolate. I've opened the plain one and I'm going to have a little sniff. It looks tasty. It smells like a chocolate wafer.

Starting point is 00:31:40 He's going in. Is it crunchy? Because some of them can taste soft and a bit off, you know? Oh, that's nice. Oh, do you know why that's nice why it's got a nice crispy crunchy um texture is it the nice balance of soft and hard it's hard uh it's hard uh nice and crisp and it's got um there you go sample that boys and girls dark chocolate so you get the the nice sweet crunchiness on the inside then the dark chocolate on the outside comes around the back, so to speak, and finishes you off with a lovely, bitter, sophisticated dark chocolate aftermath.

Starting point is 00:32:14 Well, that sounds quite pleasant. Out of 10, what are you going to give that then? I don't really like wafers. Yes. There are a lot of things we don't like on this show, but we will still eat and try to judge objectively as possible. It's good. As a wafer chocolate bar goes, it's good.

Starting point is 00:32:29 I'll give it a seven. Seven is a good score. Now I'll try the hazelnut. Oh, I can smell the hazelnut on it. Now this will taste a bit of Nutella, I expect. Well, we presume, but there's a lot of Nutella knockoffs that don't taste like Nutella at all. Oh, his face is all pinched up.

Starting point is 00:32:42 He's not happy with that. It's not as nice. What's wrong with that? It's not as nice because the sweetness isn't undercut by the darkness of the chocolate, and it's a bit sickly. I see. So it's almost too artificial as well compared to the other flavours in the other one.

Starting point is 00:32:53 Yeah, and there is a hazelnut flavour, but it's quite insubstantial. Not as nice as the other one. It's like when we did those hazelnut spread knockoffs some years ago. You remember Eurocreme and such? Yes. And it's like the texture and the flavour isn't there and they often make it too thick and they often make it too

Starting point is 00:33:08 artificially sweet and i'm not saying nutella is the healthiest thing in the world because we've all seen the picture of it broken up into its separate parts you know sugar yeah and it's like i know that i know it's not healthy but that's why i eat it by the fistful when i have it in the house do you get buckets my favorite thing in the world is to take rich tea biscuits and just scoop up big chunks of Nutella from the pot and eat it. Now, moving on, we've got two Nestle products. Okay, what did you give the other one out of 10? Before we move on to the next item,

Starting point is 00:33:36 what did you give the hazelnut one out of 10? Three? Six. Oh, six, okay. It was all right. It was quite nice. Okay, so on to the next two more bars that share a brand but not a flavor and these are wafer bars as well paul so we're getting we're doing it's a

Starting point is 00:33:51 wafer day we're doing our our wafer based purgatory here these these ones are princessa bars princetta princess oh princessa who's it by what company i thought that said walls then for a minute nestle yes they're everywhere. They are like the sausage fingers from outer space in reality because they control things down here. Yeah, no. Now, Paul. Let's bring it down.

Starting point is 00:34:14 Come on. Nestle. First podcast to cause an insurrection. Let's cause an insurrection. Anyway. Burn it all down and let us, Eli and I, be your leaders. Come on. First podcast to have an insurrection, or even better, Death Cult.

Starting point is 00:34:27 We'll do it. Come join the cheap show cult. We won't do it. Paul, can I eat this fucking wafer? Omspof, shall I? You're just doing tropes. That is another 50p, by the way. It's not another 50p.

Starting point is 00:34:41 All right, 50p. So far, it's seven quid, I owe you. You said omspof, you lie. Oh, all right. 50p. So, so far. You said. It's seven quid, I owe you. You said omspofuli. Yes, I did. Yes. Now. You know about cults. You'll be fine.

Starting point is 00:34:51 You can get us started. You can be the, you can get us what we need to do, what we need to dress. I know. I've got some robes. I presume it's all muumus and sandals. I've got some robes. Quick access robes. Robes with a little bum hatch, basically.

Starting point is 00:35:02 Like a long, heavy robe. A long, heavy robe with a velcro bum hatch facing but the flap is facing upwards yeah the flap is facing upwards so a cult leader or someone on a high level like we would be at the top obviously me or you so this obviously it goes without saying that we'd have flap access you know what i mean well obviously flap access we can go around and we can go, Initiate, approach the bench. And then they could come up and then we could go, Turn around, turn around, turn around.

Starting point is 00:35:35 They slowly turn around. And then what do they do? Then they go, I'm spunky of I, I'm spunky of I. And then we go, we rip, we rip. We go, judge judge I will judge you we rip the upwards

Starting point is 00:35:47 upwards facing flap on the back of their heavy linen robe yeah and we inspect their bums right and we read how do we inspect

Starting point is 00:35:55 we read the we read the future in their arsehole swirls I was thinking maybe they turn like six of them in a row stand in front of us

Starting point is 00:36:03 they turn around they drop their bum flaps. And then I lie on a wooden bench behind them. And then they just kind of let it all chunder out on me. And I predict their future. Oh, Paul. I go, hmm, great things for you ahead. They go, thank you, Mr. Gannon.

Starting point is 00:36:23 And then they pull up their flaps and then you go, no. And you get out the discipline machine. And then I just hand them over to you. I'm not getting involved in the discipline machine. Paul, I've just had a little Eureka moment. Do you want to clean it up? That's 50p. Yes, thank you.

Starting point is 00:36:42 We were talking just now about how wafers seem to dominate this sort of confectionery world, right? And then it just occurred to me What's the most popular chocolate bar on the whole planet? Mars or Snickers? Kit Kat Is it? Oh, I don't know, do you want me to check? Yeah

Starting point is 00:36:55 Alright, let me just check I'm going to go into the Cheap Show database Five most popular chocolate bars from around the globe Alright, here we go The most popular chocolate bars global around the globe. All right, here we go. The most popular chocolate bars global in the world. Here we go. At five, it's Lindt Excellence Bar, with 109,000 sold last year.

Starting point is 00:37:22 Fuck off. Lindt's so shit. At number four, the Cadbury Caramilk Bar. 163,000 bars sold last year. That's a wafer. That's a wafer as well. Is it? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:37:35 At three, it's Tony's Chocolony Bar. We've never had a Chocolony. No, we haven't because here are the bars that cost you seven fucking quid because they're kind of those bars you buy in those posh

Starting point is 00:37:48 Hipster off licenses, you know where you go Oh, I don't mind paying seven pound for a bottle of this and two pound for a bottle of that Oh fuck it. I'll have a six pound chocolate bar as well because I've got no sense, but don't worry I've got a tote bag so I'm saving the world Anyway number two the Mars bar Fuck off. Anyway, at number two, the Mars bar. 816,000 bars sold annually worldwide. And at number one, it is the Cadbury dairy milk.

Starting point is 00:38:15 Well, I was totally wrong then. Apparently. This is shit. This is the total waste of our time. Fuzzable.com, which is legitimate. Published a year ago. Look at this one then. Most other websites give us the same list. Dairy Milk at number one. Mars Bark number two. Caramilk. Lind. And then in this instance

Starting point is 00:38:34 Tony's Chocolony Milk Chocolate. Tony's Chocolony. I'd like to get my hands on one of those. There's a whole fucking list here of 30 most popular candies and snacks from around the world. Alright, stop. Can we have your attention back? Mate, I've been pulled into a rabbit hole. You've got to get me out.

Starting point is 00:38:48 You've got to pull me out. Oh, I'm pulling. I'm pulling. Oh, God. Thank you. That was terrible. Yeah, so Cadbury's, what are we doing? What's this podcast about?

Starting point is 00:39:01 We're talking about Kit Kats, Paul. Now. Yes. I, the other day, because recently we tasted a bunch of Japanese special Kit Kats, including the cheesecake flavour, which we both disliked intensely. And you've seen in the wild some more flavours.

Starting point is 00:39:17 Yes, I have. There's a corner shop round the corner from here that seems to have the American versions of the special edition Kit Kats. And I did try a couple um but they're like they're these are full size proper kit kat bars um and i did try i tried a dark chocolate and and peppermint one and right it's it's a thing of beauty it's like the whole top of the bar is sort of mint green but then the bottom is like dark chocolate flavour. Can you imagine? And it's a real contrast.

Starting point is 00:39:46 Yeah. It's like a club biscuit almost. It was really tasty. And also... Mate, counterpoint. I went to Poundland and I bought a multi-pack of Kit Kats, but they were all honeycomb flavour. Oh.

Starting point is 00:39:58 And I got home thinking, oh, honeycomb Kit Kat? That's amazing. The problem is it's just the chocolate that's flavoured honeycomb. There's no honeycomb layer to it. You know what I mean? Like a crunchy bar, like a thin crunchy bar centre. And I was like, that's a wasted opportunity. That's lazy.

Starting point is 00:40:12 And it didn't taste all that nice, to be fair, either. No, they're very hit and miss. The other one I got was birthday cake flavour, which was, in fact, one we tried, wasn't it? Anyway. White chocolate, very sweet. Anyway, Prince Setto. Now, I have two different examples of Princessa bars here.

Starting point is 00:40:27 Again, there's a hazelnut one. Hazelnut. And I now know how to say hazelnut in Polish. Which is? Or it's a chowa. Oh. The other. And if it was a little doggy, it would be chihuahua. Yes. A little. Edit that, Paul. Right, moving on.

Starting point is 00:40:44 Here's the first type. It's a Princess Zebra. Oh, it's black and white wafer. Yes. Now, I'm going to have a little open up. That's exciting. Give that a go. All right.

Starting point is 00:40:52 I wonder if it's all appearance and very little flavour. There's not much appearance, mate. I was expecting a stark black and white stripe as a zebra. Look, I'm just going to show it to you. Oh, it doesn't look anything like what you think it's going to be. It just looks like a wafer version of an oreo you don't think zebra looking at it do you i thought that was going to be some kind of battenberg looking thing you know it has like slices of black and white yeah it's false advertising there on the packet

Starting point is 00:41:16 well i don't know about that it's just a bit disappointing try it and see he's taking a bite oh no his face instantly went to i just ate doggy dirt what's wrong with it it's just a bite. Oh, no. His face instantly went to, I just ate doggy dirt. What's wrong with it? It's just a wafer. It's just, I can't taste it. There's no particular flavour standing out. It tastes like, you know, one of those cheap ice cream cones you get at the seaside. Oh, really?

Starting point is 00:41:36 Yeah. And there's just, there's some, the fondant is very overpowered, underpowered. Underpowered fondant. I am underpowered fondant. And I shall bring you to your knees. Is that another character, Paul? No. Right, I'm opening the hazelnut one.

Starting point is 00:41:51 It's got a chocolate covering. It does, but it's got a very, quite a strong hazelnut flavour. A lot stronger than the Greshke hazelnut that I just tried. I'm going to try this one. Give it a bite. And he is. He's giving me a whole Essex girl at a nightclub look, where it's like, what are you doing?

Starting point is 00:42:09 Not interested, love. All right, then I'll go sit over there and cry. That kind of look that I'm used to. That was very underpowered. Not very nice. Really? Yeah. Weak flavour.

Starting point is 00:42:20 The flavour is just weak. Sweet, not sweet enough. There's a bit of, you know, walnut or whatever, hazelnut. Yeah. But in terms of comparing these two basically very similar products, the Greshki and the Prinzessur. Yeah. For me, the Greshki has it in the bag. Much more texture, more amplitude, different flavours coming through. Okay, so if not entirely successful, at least a better quality of wafer.

Starting point is 00:42:46 The Greschke, the first ones I tasted are much better than the Princesa. And I think it's... The Princesa, which of the... Out of 10, what are you giving them both? Five and a half. For both? Yeah, there's no difference.

Starting point is 00:42:56 I mean, there's hardly any difference between them. Sounds generous. The Zebra one was a particular disappointment. Just nothing going on. All right. So what's the finale? What's the last wafer we've got today? What's the last snack?

Starting point is 00:43:07 I've got loads of other fucking snacks, Paul. Mate, I'm just going to put it like this. Done over half an hour. What's your last snack? I don't know. It's up to you, Paul. Which of these would you like to see me try

Starting point is 00:43:24 as the last item on this cheap list? All right. No, I like that. Okay. No, I like this. Here are your options. Here are your options. First up, Pejoy.

Starting point is 00:43:33 Oh, Pejoy. All right. That's those little stick things. All right. Good. Second up, Lottie Strawberry. Lottie. Oh.

Starting point is 00:43:41 I actually think these Japanese snacks came from someone else. So that's good of me. I've got a mixed bag, don't we? Yeah. Pocky Choco Banana. Pocky Choco Banana. Yeah. And what's next? What's the other one?

Starting point is 00:43:53 This is a sort of Lion Bar type chocolate bar looking. Oh, do that one. What's it called? Big Max? No, it's called Alibi Max. Where were you on the night of the 16th? I don't know. I haveibi max exactly max good alibi apparently maybe this started off because it was an alibi bar like a famous murderer said oh if

Starting point is 00:44:19 you'll find i i couldn't have been murdering because I was eating an alibi, Max. Perhaps that's where the word comes from. Great. The marketing department. Hey, have you heard? The local serial killer who murdered 76 people has just recommended our bar. Oh, let's go with that. Yeah, he said it was his alibi. Oh, let's call it the alibi bar then,

Starting point is 00:44:42 because I was tired of calling it the murder bar that murders your hunger. Yeah, perhaps that's it. But I'm just trying to think logically, how could a chocolate bar be an alibi in a real court case paul oh okay so on the murder body they find some chocolate smeared on some of the body somehow and they test it and they find it's it comes from a chocolate bar of some particular type and so they go to the murderer's house if they think it is and he, it couldn't have been me, for I'm allergic to the ingredients in that chocolate bar. I was eating this, the Alibi Max,

Starting point is 00:45:12 which is great for my allergies. I think you'll find I can only eat this chocolate bar and no other. And the police go, oh my god, he got away with it again. Very good, Paul. Very, very good. I've watched a lot of Columbo, mate. I'm not too bad on murders.

Starting point is 00:45:27 I'm going to have a huff of this Alibi Max. Have a huff of the Alibi Max. That is a great character, Alibi Max. He comes over and he goes, yeah, I was with him on the night. Yeah, I was there. That's me. Alibi Max. All right, mate.

Starting point is 00:45:38 Paul, have a look at the texture of this Alibi Max. All right. Oh, it's chunky. It's knobbly. It looks like a poo, though. Really badly. This is, it's chunky. It's knobbly. It looks like a poo, though. Really badly. This is... It's very rigid as well.

Starting point is 00:45:49 So this is probably the chocolate bar which I'd select out of all the chocolate bars I've seen in my life, Paul. If I was going to do the poo... Yeah. ...poo in the pool prank, I would choose that.

Starting point is 00:45:59 It's got a lot of texture, doesn't it? That does look like something that would perfectly fill up an empty crisp bag for my collection. I will say that for it. Cool back. It's got a lot of teeth. I'm going to taste it. It's got a lot of texture, doesn't it? That does look like something that would perfectly fill up an empty crisp bag for my collection. I will say that for it. Cool back. It's got a lot of teeth. I'm going to taste it.

Starting point is 00:46:09 He's going in. It's a big, thick bite. So is it like a Lion Bar? It's like a bit of wafer, caramel, nuts, chocolate. No nuts, but yeah, apart from that, everything spot on. Because I quite like Lion Bars, but only maybe because of the nuts. Otherwise, it'd be quite a boring chew. So what's that like?

Starting point is 00:46:23 Does a Lion Bar have nuts in it? Yeah, or is it crispy bits? It's got something on the outside otherwise it'd be quite a boring chew so what's that like does a lion bar have nuts in uh yeah or is it crispy bits it's got something on the outside of it no you're thinking of a picnic yeah i mean picnics are great poo analog literally analog oh mate you've coining terms here. I've got a poo analogue. What, you have both, sir? Yeah, exactly. So it's like a Star Bar or a Lion Bar. Very, very similar, but not enough.

Starting point is 00:46:54 No, Star Bars are peanut butter. No, they're not. You're having a second bite, so you must be enjoying it. It's all right. All right, well then, wonderful. What was your favourite out of all of those snacks? Probably the Greshke dark chocolate chocolate and what would you give the max chocolate bar out of 10 it's perfectly good actually but i'd still go for a star bar or a

Starting point is 00:47:13 lion bar yeah yeah fair enough i'll give it seven mate seven fair enough seven is good so there you go alibi max gets a recommendation and our winner today is the dark chocolate gretzky wafer bar eli silverman you've done sterling work today thank you and if anyone would like to send me empty crisp packets uh i've got a lot of them to i need to fill i would actually you see i would actually collect vintage crisp packets with shit or without shit not i mean without shit i mean forget the shit i would just uh i like i like i don't think shit is a prerequisite of having a collection of crisp bags i don't think you'd be sneered at you said so yeah but you know come on in look at my crisp bags oh they're nice that's good but just one

Starting point is 00:47:55 thing paul yeah shouldn't they have shit with them oh no yeah they should usually but i just thought i'd go for a you know a clean set and they go oh just thought it'd be more impressive with the shit paul, Paul. What? Paul, have you still got your shit, your crisp packet collection on the wall? Yeah. Right. I just got a phone call from the concierge of Lady Hildegard, Big Nostril Hildegard, right?

Starting point is 00:48:16 She's coming round. Yeah. She's doing a little spot visit, spot check on your crisps and she's very posh, alright? So just be on your best behaviour. She'll be here any second now. Alright, okay. Alright. Oh, this is exciting So just be on your best behaviour. She'll be here any second now. All right, okay, all right. Oh, this is exciting. I've never really met her.

Starting point is 00:48:30 Her name is legendary. She knows all about crisp packets. Oh, here she is. Yeah, come in. Come in, darling. Come in. I mean, ma'am. Oh, hello.

Starting point is 00:48:40 Oh, me nostrils so flary. I'm an aristocratic lady of the nostrils And I have large nostrils Oh, with big hairies I can smell you Is this the gimmick of this character? It's just big nose Hairy, big nose Alright

Starting point is 00:48:54 Could be, I'm an aristocrat How can I help you today, ma'am? Well, I have a deep, resounding interest In the vintage crisp wrappers Of the proletariat of yesteryear and i hear tell i hear tell from one of my flying monkeys that you paul gainon he was trying to remember my surname middle name then for a minute. And it went, didn't it? Paul Michael Gaynon. Paul Michael Gaynon. You have crisp packets.

Starting point is 00:49:28 Do you care to show me a couple? I'm a dame. Yeah, no. I've got an installation in my other room. Just come through. Yeah. So along this wall is where I keep my crisps. Some of them I have in storage, but I have my most kind of valuable up on the wall.

Starting point is 00:49:42 Just like if you look over there, you can see a 1986 packet of bits of pizza oh that's just margarita oh and just next to it i have an old uh hedgehog flavor snack oh that's beautiful what a beautiful piece and uh if hey if you're interested in a bit kind of a surrealist art i do have a mid-1990s, very rare, vanilla ice cream flavoured Monster Munch packet on the wall. Ooh. Now, this is a very impressive collection you have. Thank you. Young man. What I like to do is I like to sniff the packets

Starting point is 00:50:17 and just see if I can get a little residue of the original crisp because I have cavernous nostrils and they they suck up all sorts of traces do you mind well which one would you like to try oh the the hedgehog flavor oh that's good i filled that yesterday all right i'll take that down off the wall okay here you go i'm just going to warm up my nostrils with a little bit of light looping i'm glad you're enjoying this because i'm pretty sure a lot of people listening are but carry on we're going to see this through to the end come on right I'm ready where's the crisp packet here we go you can sniff this hedgehog flavoured crisp

Starting point is 00:50:59 packet now How dare you What do you mean how dare I You filled this packet full of shit You fucking bastard. Yeah, that's how I do it, to give it some girth and some weight. You've given it the scent of poo. Oh, I've... Yeah.

Starting point is 00:51:35 But, mate, here's the great thing about it, Your Excellency Lady. Think about it this way. You just had your own Ratatouille moment. You know the end of Ratatouille? It's like that, but you had a Ratatouille moment. You know the end of Ratatouille? It's like that, but you had a Ratapouille moment. And scene. Cut it. It's Paul's Page Turners. Paul's Page Turners.

Starting point is 00:51:55 Paul's P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-Page Turners. It's a book. Let's have a look in P-P-P-P-P-P-P-Page Turners. I'm looking forward to this one, Paul. And it's a nice gentle uh tune and not just the cattle wallings of a madman screaming vowels into the void all right all right so uh this week's paul's page turners comes in as part of a po box from a lovely person called kyle kyle sent a long letter and a load of stuff in a po box so uh we've got the page turners we're going to talk about

Starting point is 00:52:25 today but he also sent in a bloody huge atmosphere board game oh so but atmosphere board game i mean a lot of people probably know what it is 90s board game dungeons and dragons he kind of thing but the gimmick was you had a vhs tape running the whole time that would interrupt your gameplay and say whoever's in playing the game right now must stop and go back eight places and give his coins to someone else and you go oh ghost man you've ruined me go that kind of thing it's an original version of some of those uh sort of dvd quiz games that came out later yeah now he says obviously you can't play the vhs because we don't have a vhs player but the video is online on youtube so it's something we could potentially play maybe i'm up for it i don't know they're a long game i'm totally up it might be something that i do

Starting point is 00:53:08 for ganon land which you're not going to be a part of uh right so so dear eli in big letters and then paul in the tiniest handwriting he could muster as it should be thank you i can see that kyle you've pleased me uh i hope you guys are doing well during lockdown and coping with all the bullshit that life is throwing at us here in the UK. There are more people in London than there are in the whole of Scotland, so I can only imagine how tough it must be down there with all the restrictions. Kyle, it fucking sucks balls. But at the end of the day, that's all we're asked to do.

Starting point is 00:53:40 It's not the end of the world. Anyway, he sent us a copy of Atmosphere, which I think is complete. Don't worry if you're a VHS player. There we go, said that bit. Oh, so he sent two books, one of which we'll do in a future episode, which is he sent us the Warlock of Firetop Mountain, a fighting fantasy game book

Starting point is 00:53:57 in which you become the hero. That's probably the most famous British choose-your-own-adventure book, and it was the first of the Steve Jackson, Ian Livingston fighting fantasy titles. Because these are basically Choose Your Own Adventure books. But the spin on this was there was like dice elements and like, what was it? Stamina and health and courage points. Well, basically, it's taking the Choose Your Own Adventure format and merging it with the Dungeons and Dragons.

Starting point is 00:54:24 the choose your own adventure format and merging it with the dungeons and dragons. And I think we'll cover that in the future. Cause as, as Kyle says, he's also given us a map of the area. Cause like he's taken the book, like you did, you know,

Starting point is 00:54:32 you said you did it with the graph paper. He's taken it. And he, I think he even says in here, actually, hang on, let me have a read properly. Excuse the condition of the book.

Starting point is 00:54:40 Yeah. It's a bit ropey pages falling out. Cause he's had it since he was a child. So it's very kind that he's donated it to the show he also did a photocopy of the map of the book drawn for me by my pals as a wedding gift i would have wanted the toaster but a map of a fictional book land will do i guess but i guess it means a lot to them so maybe it's a cute little thing and then finally the book that we're going to be talking about in this section, which is called More Rugby

Starting point is 00:55:08 Songs. I know you love a sing song Paul, so I thought you'd appreciate it. If not you can at least have a wank to all the lads on the cover. I believe there's a Rugby Songs record out there somewhere Eli may have heard of it. Check page 52 called Chicago. The fact that he's already had

Starting point is 00:55:24 to highlight a song in this fills me with fucking dread. Let me see these hunks on the cover. Oh, they're in the shower. Oh, there, I didn't even notice. Let's have a look. Oh, yeah, they are all naked, but also they look like the kind of guys who would pick you up and throw you in a bush

Starting point is 00:55:42 on a piss night out for a laugh. Yes. What's this guy got on his head there? He looks like he's wearing a nappy or something on his head. I think he's wearing, yeah, like the codpiece bit on his head to protect his junk when he's doing rugbies. I think that's on his head. No, I think actually that's one of those weird half helmets that they wear to protect their temples in the scrum, isn't it?

Starting point is 00:56:01 The thing is, though, they've all decided to shout at the same time for this picture. But what it looks like now is like they're all coming en masse at the same time in the scrum, innit? The thing is, though, they've all decided to shout at the same time for this picture. But what it looks like now is like they're all coming en masse at the same time in the shower. Or it looks like there's some kind of huge Bukkake demon standing over them and they're all opening their mouths

Starting point is 00:56:15 expecting the splodge to come down. The big, big splodge coming down. Oh, stop splodge teasing me. I can't deal with it. That cover, they're all just waiting for the god of spunk to fucking unload 20,000 gallons of pure horse semen.

Starting point is 00:56:34 I am the god of hell spunk and I bring you jism. I'll leave you to soak. Jism. I spunked off my load. I'm just going to give 50p to that. So we're at £8 now.

Starting point is 00:56:50 I am the god of semen and I bring you... Jism. I spunked off my broth. Jism. I'll leave you my sperm. Jism. All right, they get the joke now Eli They get it

Starting point is 00:57:07 We can move on I'm the god of hell Jism And I bring you spank I'm spanking right off I'm the god of hellmans And I bring you mayo I'll leave you to curd god of Hellmans and I bring you mayo. I'll leave you to curd.

Starting point is 00:57:29 Mayo! Right. So, more rugby songs. On the back it says, the huge success of Sphere's first book of rugby songs had led many ardent rugby players and poetry lovers to complain that a number of their particular

Starting point is 00:57:46 favourites were left out. More rugby songs more than makes up for the omissions. Collected here for the first time are more than a hundred songs from When I Was Only 17 to The Mayor of Bayswater's Daughter. So, let's do a quick

Starting point is 00:58:01 explanation of rugby. It's a sport where you chuck a ball around and you run to one end of a field and lots of big, burly men tassel over it. But the other thing about rugby is it's sort of, there's a class divide, isn't there, in this country, where rugby is much more upper class and football is much more lower class, generally speaking. No, it's different.

Starting point is 00:58:24 It's odd because of how rugby was created because it was a university sport, wasn't it? It was invented at the University of Rugby. So it has that educated element to it, but it's still an earthy sport that everyone can play. What's different is football's always been seen as the working man's sport, even though it really hasn't been a working man's sport for 30 years now. Well, yes, but I'm talking about the way that it's sort of portrayed, yes. a working man's sport even though it really hasn't been a working man's sport for 30 years now well

Starting point is 00:58:45 yes but i'm talking about the way that it's sort of portrayed yes but what blows my mind though is that based on that very broad understanding of the difference between football and rugby why is it football chanting is more tribal and rugby chanting or poetry quote-unquote poetry is more vulgar and rude yes i think my dad had a theory about it where like with football you used to get a lot of problem with violence with the fans you know hooliganism yeah but you don't get that so much with rugby because his theory was the rugby was the the sport itself is much more violent you know it's it's full contact it's a much more there's actual violence going on on the so then the fans didn't need to, you know.

Starting point is 00:59:26 Well, that explains Canada. It's just a theory. Because you think of Canada and like the, you know, stereotypically a peaceful people all laid back in very understanding. But the national sport is ice hockey, which is a death sport. You know, it's just people whacking each other. But that's a very good point because ice hockey, they actually have built into the rules of the game. Boxing matches matches don't

Starting point is 00:59:45 they i think they developed in that yeah right yeah weird so it doesn't who wrote this book because it came out in 1968 this edition but i can't seem to find on it an author or someone who edited it probably because they're fucking ashamed this would have the equivalent of releasing a dirty dvd in the 2000s you know it's the kind of book that if you go to the loo in someone else's house and you think, ooh, they've got some books, I'll just have a little look at one of these books while I take a shit, and you go, oh, is that all they've got? And then you read half a page and you go, oh, fuck my life.

Starting point is 01:00:16 What am I doing in this old lady's house? You know what I mean? Taking a shit. Shitting and reading rugby songs. What has my life come to? I'm just going to read out the rugby songs and you just bear in mind which ones you think we might like to listen to. Please Don't Burn Our Blank House Down,

Starting point is 01:00:32 In Glamorgan, Farting Contest, Anti-War Pancrea, Ode to the Four Letter Word, How Much to Oldham, That Child That I Carry, When I Was Only Seventeen, Little Sister Lily,

Starting point is 01:00:44 Gunga Din. The horse and the cow. Pickle Lily, Pickle Lily Pox. That's torn it. 20 toes. I dreamed my love lay in her bed. A miner came home one night. There was an old lady.

Starting point is 01:00:57 There was a puritanical lad. This is all beginning to sound like some kind of weird beat poetry, the one I just read out the titles. Come away with me. Tim the Tinker. The woodpecker song lady fucking hearst speech what i've got some suggestions ones i like fuck them all my wife the maid and miss puggy woogie the hedgehog the harlots of baghdad the pig got up and walked away jungle menu bedtime story pissing about on the Fuck you. Fuck you. Chin Chin Chinaman. I don't even want to know. Down in the Valley. Mary's Blue Vein.

Starting point is 01:01:46 I laid my hand upon her knee. Sir Jasper. Tiddlywinks the Old Man. Mary Box. My Little Pink Panties. Never wed an old man. Pump away. The Women of Papua.

Starting point is 01:01:56 Last night I pulled me pud. Little Jim. The blacksmith told me before he died. Rue Britannia. Mary's Rusty Lamb. The Q Bus Q. Maria. The Wee Wee Song, I Love a Lassie, The Chic of the Lavatory, Balls to Bloody Bocklington, The In's and Out's of Contact Bridge, and Ancient Old Irish French Letter.

Starting point is 01:02:18 Now, there's a few of those, Paul, which we should avoid because they're obviously extremely racist. But the ones that stuck out for me, Paul, that's Torn It. Torn It, yeah, hang on, I was going to make a note of these. Torn It. The Cow and the Horse. Cow and Horse, yeah. And also Farting Competition.

Starting point is 01:02:36 Let's have a look at which one was Torn It again. Torn It, where is Torn It? Number 36, let's have a look. Is it something personal that gets torn, I wonder? Like a rectum or a willy banjo maybe? A willy banjo? I don't know. Here is That

Starting point is 01:02:51 Torn It. Little Mildred based her hopes on a book by Mary Stropes, but to judge her from condition, she must have bought the wrong edition. I'm not singing it. It ruins it. I don't know, it just blanks the last bit out

Starting point is 01:03:27 in the book. It's a fuck, Paul. It's a fuck. It's a fuck. So what does that mean? Is that a poem about a woman who bought a dildo so big it tore her?

Starting point is 01:03:36 No, it's about prophylactics. Rubber johnnies. And someone tore the johnny? Yeah. Pro, condoms or anti? I'm not sure. That's a load of shit. I wouldn't remember that. Well, that's crap. Two out of ten. Yeah, you not sure. That's a load of shit. I wouldn't remember that.

Starting point is 01:03:45 Well, that's crap. Two out of ten. Yeah, you rate them. Here's the horse and the cow. This I'm looking forward to. The horse and the cow live 30 years and nothing knows of wines or beers. The goats and sheep of 20 die

Starting point is 01:03:58 and never a taste of scotch or rye. The sow drinks water by the ton and at 18 is nearly done. The dog at 15 cashes in without the aid of rum and gin. The cat in milk and water soaks and then at 12 short years it croaks. The modest sober home dry hen lays eggs for years and dies at 10. All animals are strictly dry. They simply live and simply die.

Starting point is 01:04:21 But sinful ginful rum soaked men survive three score years and ten and some of them, the mighty few, stay pickled till they're 92. That's good, I like that. Seven out of ten. It's a great song about how animals don't drink alcohol, you know, which I often think about. But the argument is it must be the booze that's keeping us

Starting point is 01:04:39 alive longer than the animals, because the only difference is the animals don't drink booze. Do you see what I mean? Yeah, but they also are highly allergic to booze, aren't they? Some animals. You can't give them it or they die instantly. You're not going to get far trying to get a chicken pissed. You can get a dog pissed, can't you? Can you?

Starting point is 01:04:54 Yeah. How do you get a dog drunk? You just put a beer in its bowl, in its water bowl. You can't give a dog booze. Yes, you can. It's not good. It's not a good thing to do, but you can do it. They'll drink it.

Starting point is 01:05:06 And also what you could do, Paul, is just get some pure... Dogs will lap up anything, as we heard from that fucking sex fact book a few weeks ago. Yes. You could fill a syringe full of alcohol and then just inject your dog when it's sleeping or something. Mate, fucking hell. Right, I'm going to do the farting competition poem for you now. Yay. Right. This, fucking hell. Right, I'm going to do the farting competition poem for you now. Yay.

Starting point is 01:05:27 Right, this is fucking long. This is a whole fucking thing. Don't then. I'll do bits of it. I'll tell you a tale that's sure to please

Starting point is 01:05:35 of a grand farting contest at Shittington-on-Pease where all the best farts parade in the fields to compete in the contest

Starting point is 01:05:44 for various shields. Some tighten their arses and fart up the fields to compete in the contest for various shields. Some tighten their arses and fart up the scale to compete for a cup and a barrel of ale. While others who fart are biggest and strongest, compete in the section for loudest and longest. And now this year's events have drawn a big crowd and the betting was even on Mrs. McLeod. For it appeared in the evening edition that this lady's arsehole was in perfect condition. for it appeared in the evening edition that this lady's arsehole was in perfect condition. Now old Mrs. Jones has a perfect backside, half a forest of hers and a wart on each side, and she fancied her chances of winning with ease, having traded on a diet of cabbage and peas.

Starting point is 01:06:20 The vicar arrived and ascended the stand, and thus he addressed this remarkable band, the contestant is on, and shown on the bills, we've precluded the use of injection and pills. Mrs. Bindle arrived amid roars of applause and promptly proceeded to pull down her drawers. And though she had no chance in the farting display, she's the prettiest arsehole you've seen of the day. The ladies lined up, the signal to start, and winning the toss of Miss Jones, who took first fart.

Starting point is 01:06:42 The people around stood in silence and wonder while the wireless announced gale warnings of thunder. Mrs. MacLeod reckoned nothing of this. She'd had some weak tea and was all wind and piss. She took up the place with her arse open wide, but unluckily, Charlton was disqualified. Charlton? Yeah, she broke the rules.

Starting point is 01:07:00 The young Mrs. Pothole was called to the front and started by doing a wonderful stunt she took a deep breath and clenched her hands she blew the whole roof off the popular stands and then mrs bindle who shyly appeared and smiled at the clergy who'd lustily cheered and through it all reckoned her chances were small she ran at a winner out farting them all with hands on her hips she stopped farting alone and the crowd stood amazed as the sweetness of tone and the clergy agreed without hindrance or pause that said first to mrs bindle now pull up your drawers and with muscle well tense and legs full apart she started a final glorious fart beginning

Starting point is 01:07:35 with chopin and ending with wing she went right up the scale to god save the king she went to the rostrum and madely gate and took the vicar a golden plate. Then she turned to the vicar with sweetness sublime saying, come and see me sometime. You know what stands out for me there, Paul? This book is from 1968. And does it have the word sharted in it? No, well, it didn't. It had a blank, but I knew what the word was going to be.

Starting point is 01:07:59 So it was either shat or sharted. But it was definitely she shat. All the bad words. I see. I've been taken out, but then you have to guess what the rhyme is. Yeah, you confused me because sharted was from a vis profanosaurus from a few years back.

Starting point is 01:08:13 It wasn't a term that was around in the 60s. Mate, you're going to love this one. Do you want to hear Tim the Tinker? Again, songs that rugby fans sing during a rugby match or in the pub afterwards. Tim the Tinker, the lady of the manor, was dressing for the ball when she saw a Highland Tinker

Starting point is 01:08:28 wanking against the wall. Chorus, with his bloody great kidney swiper and his dick of sizes of three, a yard and a half of foreskin hanging down below his knee. That's what everyone joins in on, that bit.

Starting point is 01:08:42 The lady wrote a letter and in it she did say, I'd rather be wanked by a tinker than his lordship any day. Chorus, the tinker got the letter and when he did read, his dick began to fester

Starting point is 01:08:54 and his blank began to bleed. His bollocks, his meters. He mounted on his donkey and to her place did ride with his blank over shoulder and his balls strapped to his side his penis

Starting point is 01:09:07 over his shoulder chorus his foreskin he fucked them in the parlour he fucked them in the hall the butler guy

Starting point is 01:09:13 god save us he wants to fuck us all chorus he fucked the groom in the parlour and the duchess in the pew but then he fucked

Starting point is 01:09:20 the butler and the butler's pet mole too some say the tink is gone now gone fucking down to helm all set to fuck the devil we hope he does it well But then he fucked the butler and the butler's pet mole too. Some say the tink has gone now. Gone fucking down to Helm. All set to fuck the devil.

Starting point is 01:09:29 We hope he does it well. That's good, that one. That one you like. That one's all right. Yeah. Here you are. Mother Kelly's Horse Shop. A nice jolly one.

Starting point is 01:09:37 Bill Donut, come here. Yes. Yes. Oh, one of the old rugby songs. Hello, Bill. Yes. Oh, this one's one of my favourites. Old Kelly's Horse Shop. Let me see if I remember how it goes.

Starting point is 01:09:49 A-rub-a-dee-pum, a-rub-a-dee-pum, a-rub-a-dee-pum-pe-pum in Mother Kelly's Horse Shop down Paradise Row. I'd fucked a long old Ellie and she'd gobble long old Joe. She'd get a hold of me winky and poke it in the horn-ear frock where her fanny showed through. Her belly was the fattest down our alley. I don't remember how that scans.

Starting point is 01:10:10 To Mother Mary's horse shop I often go. I'm always welcome there as the price is very low because they love it just the way I like to do it too in Mother Mary's horse shop down Paradise Row. Alright Bill. Thanks's horse shop down Paradise Row. All right, Bill.

Starting point is 01:10:26 Thanks, Bill. I think Paradise Row is in Bethnal Green. I think I know that road. Is it a place where prostitutes go? Sex workers? Is it a sex workers area? It would have been because it's the deep east end, isn't it? So probably it's just by Bethnal Green tube stop.

Starting point is 01:10:40 I mean, I presume you don't want me to read Chin Chin Chinaman out. No. This one's called The Last Night I Pulled Me Pud. Oh, yeah. I know this one. Let me sing this one. Last Night I Pulled Me Pud. No, Bill.

Starting point is 01:10:53 Come on. I need this. I need to sing. You didn't remember the last one. You didn't remember the last one, did you, Bill? It's such an old song. I think I remember this one a bit more. Here we go.

Starting point is 01:11:04 Bill, Bill, have you been drinking? Have you been drinking? Oh, I've not been drinking much, if that's what you mean. I only drank a little bit of the bleach this week, Mr Silverman. All right, come on, do the song, Batman. I'll sing this. Here we go. Pom, pom, pom, pom, pom, pom, pom, pom, pom, pom.

Starting point is 01:11:25 Last night I pulled my pud. It did me good, like I knew it would. Fling it, sling it, throw it on the floor. Smash it, crash it, catch it in the door. Some people say that puddies are mighty good, but for personal enjoyment, I'd rather pull me put. Oi, that one I remember. Yes, I remember that one.

Starting point is 01:11:49 It's my favourite. Bill, could you give me the pullback, please? Thank you. Here we go. God almighty. The final poem in this book, which I'm not going to read, is called Sing Us Another One Do. And it goes on for the next 1, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten pages.

Starting point is 01:12:08 How can it be a real song? It can't be a real rugby song. It is. It's called Sing Us Another One Do. It probably goes along with an old famous song at the time. But it's a bit, what's the word I'm looking for? It's a bit limericky. There once was a fellow from Reading who was constantly wetting the bedding

Starting point is 01:12:24 till it made his wife say, I don't mind the spray. It's the stench in the morning I'm dreading. It's that bit limericky. There once was a fellow from Reading who was constantly wetting the bedding till it made his wife say, I don't mind the spray. It's the stench in the morning I'm dreading. It's that kind of stuff. There once was a young man from Devizes whose balls were of two different sizes. One weighed a pound and dragged on the ground. The other one's as large as a fly's.

Starting point is 01:12:39 As a fly's is, yeah. That's good. That's a good one. Flies don't have bollocks though, do they? There once was a man from Belgravia found guilty of obscene behaviour when he met little girls. No, I'm not reading that. I'm actually not reading that. But what I'm going to do, Eli, is hold that one to the camera and let you read it.

Starting point is 01:12:57 There once was a man from Belgravia found guilty of obscene behaviour when he met little girls. He'd run... Oh, fuck. That's terrible. I've got one. I've got a limerick. Yeah? Want to hear it?

Starting point is 01:13:09 There once was a... There once was a... There once... God, mate. Have you got one? Or are you just trying to think of... There once was a tramp called Munt who had a fucking hairy cunt.

Starting point is 01:13:25 Right, no, you know what? Stop. That's it. Stop. Already, I think I've added another six pounds to this. Paul, do you know what? I hate this book, this rugby book, and I'm just looking forward to the end of the segment. I hate this book too.

Starting point is 01:13:39 To finish with, a policeman from near Clapham Junction had a penis that just wouldn't function. For the rest of his life, he misled his poor wife with some snot on the end of his truncheon. Fucking hell! That's great. I've changed my mind. That's very ingenious. So there you go. More rugby songs.

Starting point is 01:14:04 If nothing else, it's an insight into the um it's not an insight it's just another fucking reason why i hate sports people just in a nutshell but there's definitely some stuff in there that you know predates rugby and goes back probably goes back several centuries you know yeah it's like dirty jokes hang around for a long time so it probably is in terms of sort of i don't't know what they call it, but kind of language archaeology. It probably is quite of interest to people. It probably goes back to the idea of pissed up singing pub songs. You know, hey, little Mary Jo, she's got a big one.

Starting point is 01:14:40 Little Bobby Biscuit, he's got a big one too. I don't know. I don't do a lot of drinking singing wimpy songs i don't know how they go no but they're quite witty some of them i mean but and it is a shame i wonder if there's an updated version where they've put the dirty words back in because uh you lose you lose a lot with the blanks as well you do lose a lot with the blanks unfortunately he did recommend chicago so let me have a look at chicago all right let's have a look at that oh all right i don't i'm hoping this one doesn't have a catch in that's why he's pointing it out uh i used to work in chicago in a department store i used to work in

Starting point is 01:15:13 chicago but i don't work there no more a lady came into the hat shop i asked what kind would you like felt she said felt i did i never worked there no more a lady came in for a water bottle i asked I can see where this is going. for a cake, I asked, what kind of cake would you like? Layer, she said. Layer, I did. I never work there anymore. A lady came in for a ticket. I can see where this is going. I asked, where would you like to go? Banger, she said. Banger, I did. I never work there anymore. A lady came in for a sleeper. I asked, which berth would you like? Upper, she

Starting point is 01:15:57 said. Upper, I did. I never work there anymore. So, there we go. We end on a rugby song and a Tales from the Shop floor. And also, I've got lots of questions. First question, how many fucking department stalls are there in Chicago? Do they not talk

Starting point is 01:16:13 to each other about who they hire? That's the thing, isn't it? If he sat down... Why isn't he in jail? The person in this story sits down for a job interview. Yeah, no, I'd really like to be a cashier at Debenhams. I'm just looking for your CV sir DHS you were there a few weeks what happened a woman came in for a jumper

Starting point is 01:16:30 and then I jumped and I got fired right okay and the police weren't involved in that instance no and then it says you were at John Lewis yeah I was at John Lewis and what happened there one came in for a cake and then I got fired did

Starting point is 01:16:45 the police get involved in that one no no no no no all right well then sell your cv and your long string of sexual assaults and i think it's only fair that um you work in our fish departments now paul yeah what about a kilt like i wonder if there's a kilt one in there if anything it's like a woman came in for a kilt i say what kind of kilt would you like she said plaid she said plowed i did i never worked there anymore oh that's terrible a woman came into the got anything a woman came into the chip shop i said what kind of fish would you like batter she, she said. And then I got arrested finally after fucking years of getting

Starting point is 01:17:27 away with this horrible shit. Can we end this fucking segment now? That's the end of that segment. Oh, thank God. Now is the time to say goodbye. Now is the time to yield a sigh now is the time to end our way until we meet again some sunny day goodbye that's it for cheap show how much do you owe me on this on the spodge count including all those poems just then,

Starting point is 01:18:06 I probably owe you about 15 quid, mate. Yeah. But I did sneak a few ones in and I did do a couple of nice poo gags. So I'm happy with my content this week, even though I shouldn't be. Right. It's time to say goodbye and it's time to do the admin.

Starting point is 01:18:19 If you go to our website, thecheapshow.co.uk, it's a one-stop shop for all kinds of things. There's a link to our official Cheap Show merch page with official designs and logos there for you to buy there's also uh tony's merch page if you want all those lovely cartoony designs go there we've got events cheap show magazine page which just reopened and also there's a link to our patreon but if you want to go straight there it's patreon.com forward slash cheap show. And whatever you give, if you decide to give, is very, very welcome

Starting point is 01:18:48 and helps keep this show afloat. So thank you. Thank you very much to the patrons. Love it, love it, love it. Oh, yeah. P.O. Box. If you can send us something that you want to see us play with on the podcast, go to our P.O. Box and send us something to P.O. Box 1309 Harrow HA19QJ.

Starting point is 01:19:06 Don't forget to put your name on stuff so we know who sent it, because some people don't, and it's nice as that is to get stuff. Sometimes we want to say thanks, although sometimes you do send stuff in and I lose it. So that's the thing, isn't it? Yeah. And is that it? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:19:19 All right. That's all the admin, basically. Also, you can get us on social media, Facebook, Tumblr, Instagram. Look for Cheap Show or Cheap Show Pod. But we're on Twitter, at the Cheap Show Pod. I'm at Paul Gannon Show, and Eli is... I'm at Eli Snoyd, spelt E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. We thank you for joining us once again for another Economy Comedy Podcast.

Starting point is 01:19:39 That's all we have time for today. So you look after yourself, love. You take care. You too. No, I'm talking to the listener. I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to the listener. I'm saying to them. All right So you look after yourself, love. You take care. You too. I'm talking to the listener. I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to the

Starting point is 01:19:47 listener. I'm saying to them. All right. You look after yourself. All right, fuck you. We'll see you next week. You fuck off. I'm talking to you,

Starting point is 01:19:53 Paul. Fuck off. Listener, hello. I'm here as well, listener, and I love you. I'm gone. Who are you talking to now?

Starting point is 01:20:00 Me? Are you telling me to fuck off or the listener? You. Even our WhatsApp conversation is getting tired of us.

Starting point is 01:20:05 So let's just end while we can. Because all I keep getting is a frozen... Ah, it's broke. It's paused. That's it. We're done. We're ending this. Bye. Technical breakdown. We're done here.

Starting point is 01:20:15 Bye. you

CheapShow - Ep 219: Dirty Rugby Songs

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