CheapShow - Ep 22: Don't Get Mad

Episode Date: May 25, 2016

They say you should never go back... They say never try to repeat yourself... They say never look back... They didn't listen. In this episode of CheapShow, Paul and Eli crack open the "Don't Get Mad" anger management role play game and try to calmly resolve a load of fictional stressful circumstances. It gets dark pretty quick! Before you get to that nightmare of a finale, the cheap chaps look into the weird ways businesses save money, pathetically try to craft font based gags and are sent a bunch of American Junk Food that they may like a little TOO much! All this and much much less on the economy comedy podcast you deserve! (With thanks to Allison Guinn and Jenny Silverman for the donations this episode) Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! You can see pictures and accompanying videos on our website www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... all that jazz! Subscribe to us on Stitcher, iTunes or most good podcast apps and get fortnightly fun WARNING *Show contains strong language and adult material

Ladies and gentlemen, hello. It's time again for some hard podcasting. You know you love it. It's Cheap Show, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Eli Silverman and here's Paul Gannon. Hello. Welcome to Cheap Show. Hello. How you doing? Yeah. It's the economy comedyap Show. Hello. How you doing? Yeah. It's the economy comedy podcast for your ears. Thank you. Not you, the listener.

I was pointing at you, admittedly. You were pointing at me. But I was doing it more as a gesture. Good. Yes, this is the Cheap Show podcast where we root through the charity shops, bargain bins, thrift stores and boot sales of the world and deliver our findings directly into your filthy, dirty ear holes. They might not be dirty, Paul.

They might be. I'm talking about dirty, not filthy. Well, sexy ear holes. I'm thinking of dirty, sexy, jizz and frothing ear holes. Oh, the froth, the froth comes already. Anyway, hello. How have you been? Yeah.

That's not a reply. I've been okay, Paul. Yeah, you know, it's been a bit of a boozy weekend. Oh, yeah. Get your booze on. We've had some guy doing some work in the flat. Oh. So I didn't sleep.

Oh. And. What kind of work? Like banging? Some banging, some drilling. What time of day is he doing that then? He starts at nine. PM?

AM. All right, well, you should be getting up then. It's a full day. Not if I got in at 6 from working. Oh, that's a good point, because you're a DJ, superstar DJ. Yes. But let's crack on with the show. I like to go on the internet and look for stories about how you can save money,

how businesses can save money, how you can get a bargain, how to reduce your bills. I found a very interesting website called oddy.com, O-D-D-E-E-D-O-T-C-O-M. And they had an article called, Eight Bizarre Ways Corporations Have Attempted to Save Dollars. Fascinating. Some stuff sounds stupid as fuck, but actually quite good. Right, so the first one is this. UPS drivers make no left-hand turns.

It's bizarre, isn't it? But it's true. That's very strange. The show Mythbusters, that I'm a big fan of. What if the thing, you're driving down the street and the thing is there on the left? This is the thing. You'd go, what, a mile out of your way? No, but that's how they plan it in advance

if they don't have that problem. So this is the thing. Mythbusters tested this and found that it was true. You can save money by not making left-hand turns on delivery routes. UPS, the article says, has 96,000 trucks which guzzle a lot of gas. When they began to analyse ways to cut fuel costs,

someone figured out that it was better not to make left-hand turns than it does to make right-hand turns, right? So in 2004, they implemented their no-left-turn policy and haven't looked back. This move has not only saved them 10 million gallons worth of gas, but cut emissions equal to 53,000 cars' exhaust fumes every year. Okay, okay. So why not extrapolate and just say everyone in the world don't turn left?

What would happen then? Well, because you don't know your route. If they know where they're going to, if they know they have to go to A, B, C and D, if they make a route that eliminates left-hand turns, I don't know if that's because of the way the cars drive in America. It must be the side of the road, yeah. What side do they drive on? The right-hand side? Yes.

In terms of, yeah. Whereas we drive on the left-hand side. That's right, yeah. So I'd imagine if you're turning left, there's more stations. Space. And there's also, yeah, but also you're probably at lights longer

to make that left-hand turn, so you're guzzling more gas. So if they can eliminate that and only make right-hand turns, because you can go through a right-hand turn on a red light, can't you, in America? You can, yes. So that means you're reducing...

So all of these things are sort of particular to the American road system, isn't it? Yeah. So that is fascinating to me. So obviously they must plan their route and go, right, we'll take a right-hand turn here and go there. Then you go around the block and you go there. That makes sense.

Crazy. It might mean their route's slightly longer, but apparently it is saving them money. Again, Mythbusters did this. If you can find the episode out, it's worth watching. And what was the conclusion they drew? It's correct. You can save money not making left-hand turns. Now, I know one of these.

Yeah. Swan Vestas. Is that on your list? Let me have a look. No. Did you know? What's a Swan Vesta? It's a pack of matches.

Those yellow packs. Okay. And they're not safety matches. They're the pink ones. Just a regular old match. They're light on anything, yeah? Yeah. But as you may

have noticed they only have a strike on one edge. Like a normal standard safety matches will have strikes on both

sides. Someone went into Swan Vestors and went I've got this idea. It'll save you several thousand pounds a year.

Bored makes a barry's back he's fucking drunk. He didn't work for them. He's like I've just got this idea let's have a meeting. Just a, he's fucking drunk. No, he was like, he didn't work for them. He's like, I've just got this idea,

let's have a meeting. Just a random guy? Yeah. Okay. And he's like, you have to agree to, you know, pay me a fee

if I'm correct. If this works. Okay. And they went, okay, what's this amazing thing? They thought it was going to be sort of a chemical composition

or something. Some revolutionary new way of writing a match. He's like, you know, you've got strikes on both sides of the box. Yeah.

Just have one. And they were like, oh yeah. Yeah. And they did it. Apparently, this is, I don't know if this is a myth, but that's the box just to have one. And they were like, oh, yeah. Yeah. And they did it. Apparently, this is, I don't know if this is a myth, but that's the story. That's interesting. Because, you know, it costs quite a bit of money to put a strike on.

Yeah, because they use the kind of sand or something. And it must have cost a lot more than just not having one. I guess so. Yeah. So if you take away half of that process. And why would you need two strikes? You don't really, do you? You don't really, because that usually lasts the course.

It's genius. And also, if you're a Western dude, cowboy, you can light a match on your face. Yeah. Or your stubble. Or on your ball bags. Or on your bag of balls. Number two. McDonald's saved money by cutting a slice of cheese from their double cheeseburger.

That's all they did. It's a sneaky trick they did in 2008. They removed one of the pieces of cheese from the double cheeseburger, which contained two patties of meat, and took it off the dollar menu and recorded the double the switcheroo allegedly saved six cents per sandwich therefore bastards yeah is that what if i get a double cheese this might have been in america i think it is because america had this weird because they have much more output like in america i think wednesdays or thursdays they do like 20 uh 20 cent burgers yeah and they say you could only order 30 at a time. Wow.

Because they had that much surplus meat. The fact that they put 30 on as that round off number means America, you're full of fat shit. There's no need for 30 burgers. Well, if you had a big family. Yeah. If you're very hungry. If you're a redneck family in a trailer with 80 kids, then yeah, I guess that makes sense. What else is on this list?

Ryanair told its stewardesses to lose weight. I know, right? To save on fuel. Yeah. European airline Ryanair, who are famously known for being bastards. Utter, utter bastards. Are you in a wheelchair and you need to fly?

How about you pay us an extra couple of 50-odd quid to see you get on? You know what they tried? I don't think they ever brought it through, but they were going to charge for the lose. Really? Yeah. Jesus.

Can you imagine that? Spending a penny on Ryanair is literally spending, well, probably more than a penny. Probably be three euros or something. Is it? Do you pay that up in advance? Or do you literally have to put like a coin in the door? Yeah, you have to put a coin or swipe your credit card or something.

That would be, imagine if you got the runny guts, right? Yeah. And you're like, oh, beep, ding. That's going to cost you a couple of... I don't think they could push it through. They're always just on the... So to speak.

They're always just on the line of sort of human rights law and like, you know... They straddle that line, yeah. Cattle, cattle transportation... It is. ...law or whatever. It's like they say,

don't they, that most people who travel on Ryanair live in... travel in worse circumstances than meat being sent to an abattoir. Yeah. And the underground... See what gets me about Ryanair?

What? We are not getting a sponsor from Ryanair for this. That bloody... When you land, have you heard that? I don't... They are the tannoy. It goes... As if they're all proud.

Oh, we landed. It just seems like Ryanair are the call centres of air flight. They're awful. Awful. Anyway, going back to the story, Ryanair, who are well known for cutting corners all over the shop, wanted to lessen their flying weight, including reducing ice and the size of their in-flight magazine from A5 to A4 paper. But they took the cake by asking their flight attendants to lose weight and said they were adding motivation to their stewardesses

by saying if you did you could be in our Ryanair calendar and so Ryanair put a calendar out of cabin crew charity calendar 2011

of lots of things well that's not saving money is it how much does it cost to publish the bloody calendar well the proceeds do go to charity to what

what charity fatlast.com. Ryanair Widows or something. Yeah, probably. I don't know. But that's what they did. Next story. This is fascinating, this one.

Amazon will pay their workers $5,000 to quit their job. But they just say, look, this is five grand. Yeah. Amazon, who have an out-of-the-box kind of thinking style, you know, blue sky thinking, spitballing, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Spitballing. Yeah, I hate fucking. No, that's blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Spitballing. Yeah, I hate fucking... No, that's a sex act, isn't it?

No. Spitballing is when... No, snowballing is a sex act. I thought spitballing is when you get, like, a straw and you chew up a bit of paper and you... No, it is, but also spitballing is based on that idea. It's business talk for, let's just throw a few ideas around, see what sticks.

So we talk so much that spit starts to ball up around. No, it's just random firing out of ideas. Oh, I see. Yeah. Anyway, Amazon said what they would do is for their warehouse employees, full-time employees, they would offer them $5,000 to quit their job. The goal, they say, is to encourage folks to take a moment and think about what they really want. Do you want 5,000 grand?

Yeah. To quit this fucking horrible warehouse job. It's basically just a severance pay. It's redundancy pay. It is. The reasoning is, in the long run, neither the company or the person is happy potentially wasting more time and money on the job. I guess.

They work those bastards hard in that warehouse as well, apparently. Yeah, they do. They walk miles a day to fetch and bring it back and box it. That's terrible. Yeah. And finally, Kidd tells the government to change the it. That's terrible. Yeah. And finally, kid tells the government to change the font. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Story is, well, I'll just read it verbatim from the website. We're including this story even though it hasn't been implemented yet and it's not for a corporation, but it was just so cool, at least the inspiration at least, that we had to add it.

14-year-old whiz kid, I'm guessing this is America, realised that his school district could save up to £21,000 per year on paper and ink just by changing their typeface to Garamond. I don't know what that typeface is, but it's obviously a less

intricate font or smaller font. Less of those things at the ends of the letters. And impressed, his teacher encouraged him to Sansarif. No, Sansarifs. Serifs. Sans serifs. No, sans serifs means without. Comic sans, yeah. Without serif.

But what does comic sans mean then? Without comic? No, that's just a font. It's not a very popular font. Well, it's a very controversial font, isn't it? Is it? Why? Some people love it, some people hate it. Oh, yeah, people really go against it.

It's like, oh, it's ugly. But mostly it's for people who don't really know how to use Word and they want to do a flyer for their car boot sale. Yeah. And that's fine. Yeah. But if you're McDonald's and you use Comic Sans... You shouldn't use it. It's like, oh, it's ugly. But mostly it's for people who don't really know how to use word and they want to do a flyer for their car boot sale. Yeah. And that's fine. Yeah. But if you're McDonald's and you use Comic Sans,

you shouldn't probably use it. But anyway, the Serif is those things that they stick at the end of the E, like another little line. Yeah. Do you see what I mean?

Yeah. And then Sans Serif doesn't have that. So that's just plain letters, basically. Ah. Serif don't like it Rock the Casbah

come on that was good thank you we did not forget a good one that was alright Serif don't like it rock ding ding ding

ding ding change the font change the font I don't know what fonts we could use actually to begin with okay

I could look that up no don't I was in the toilet yeah just now no we could use at the beginning with K I could look that up no don't I was in the toilet yeah just now no at an establishment where I was DJing

yeah there's some guy was getting ejected from the toilet for snorting snorting cocaine and Bouncer was like you've got to give me

the cocaine and he's like no no no no I'll leave but I need to I need my coke I need to keep the coke and Bouncer's like no no and he's like, no, no, no, no. I'll leave, but I need to keep the coke.

And the bouncer's like, no. And he's like, no, no, that's true. Look, I'll leave, but I get to keep... He's like, hand it over. And then he's like, no, no, I won't. I won't. I shan't. And then the bouncer's just like...

Dave, we need some help out here. I was just like, you sad, sad bastard. See, spitefully, what I wanted that story to do was, no, you can't. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. Just go fucking apeshit Tasmanian devil. Oh, stupid bastard. People are so silly, aren't they?

Yeah. Serif, don't like it. Rock the candara. Wasn't worth it. Is that it? Is that the font? Is it a Sans Serif font, though? No, it's not.

Is it all an ornate font? It's very ornate. Anyway, point being... So that wouldn't make sense, then, would it? Doesn't matter. You can't say, Serif, don't like it, Rock the Kandara.

I know, I know. Because Kandara has Serif. I should have just left it as it was. Should have just left it as it was. You should have left it there. I've ruined it. You've ruined everything. I'm sorry.

Move on. That's it. That's the end of it there. I've ruined it. You've ruined everything. I'm sorry. Move on. That's it. That's the end of that article. I've ended this whole piece on an ill-judged... Damp squib of a non-joke. I'm so sorry. What's next, Paul?

I don't know. My intimate death. Right, it's that time of the show. We haven't done it in a while. It is time for... Cheap Eats! Cheap Eats! Cheap Eats! And this time...

Have you got some lovely roast chicken? Roast chicken! No, this Cheap Eats has been donated to us today by a listener. Her name is Alison Gwynn, friend of the show. She certainly is. She sent me this note. She sent me this note. After listening to the show last time, she goes,

The things I've sent you were all found at a 7-Eleven, which is a convenience store connected to a gas station. Donald Trump, this is what she's written, recently confused 9-Eleven with 7-Eleven. And he mentioned how he saw firsthand the heroes of 7-Eleven selling slushies.

America, please don't vote in a man who makes George W. Bush look like Mark Twain. That's all we're asking. We do not need a man who looks like he's got look like Mark Twain. That's all we're asking. We do not need a man who looks like he's got a Mr. Whippy on his top forehead telling the rest of the world that they need to owe America something bigger and better and that they're American. You know what I mean? It's just like...

Mate, it's a real danger he's going to get elected. I don't think he's... He might get the nomination, but I don't think he's going to win. Oh, my God. Please don't listen back to this in a few years' time in a dystopia where we go, Donald Trump won't get in. Meanwhile, we're eating rats to survive. We've got a wall, a wall around our country.

And everyone's been nuked. Anyway, cheap eats. Thank you, Alison. I have got some things from her. These are all from 7-Eleven then. This is a 7-Eleven themed. Donated by Alison. Brilliant.

I'm really looking forward to this. And also at the end. Have you got something else as well? I've got something else at the end, which has been donated by my sister, Jenny. Oh, thank you, Jenny. Who lives in the States. And she... Sent a little thing along.

I bought this back. I was meant to do this last time, but I didn't include it. Oh, it's a carryover. Yes. But it is good. It's a good one. Okay, so here we go. Are you ready?

What's the first item? Let's start with this one. Okay, this one is called it's by a company called Chex you know Chex I know Chex they've got

extreme spicy sriracha is that right sriracha yeah yeah sriracha sriracha

so that's what they are it's spicy little they look like shreddies I guess like corn shreddies and they are spicy flavoured. I'm looking forward to this. The extreme.

So these are little cheesy shreddy things. Well, I don't know if they're cheesy, but they're definitely hot and spicy. Oh, look at that. Do you want to have some? They look just like sort of golden grahams, don't they? They look like golden grahams. They look like shreddies.

They have that same kind of a weaved snack effect. Yes, it's a trellis. You know what they smell like to me right off the bat? Spicy hot monster munch. Yes. They have that kind of crisps. And you going to go for it? Yeah, I'm going to go for it.

Ready? Here we go. One, two, three. Oh. Oh, mate. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Those are bloody good, aren't they?

Oh, I like them. Those are really nice. I have to have a wank. Oh, yeah. Those are bloody good, aren't they? Oh, I like them. Those are really nice. I'd have a wank. Food porn. They're very crunchy. I like that. Nice texture. And when they say they're hot, they actually do have some heat to them.

They have that little kind of tingle, don't they? That kind of hot tingle you get with spicy food. Sriracha. Sriracha is a very famous type of hot sauce. Oh, is it? It's from a place spicy food. Sriracha. Sriracha is a very famous type of hot sauce. Oh, is it? Which is from a place in Thailand called Sriracha. Have you ever heard of Golden Goose, Flying Goose brand? No.

If you see them in Vietnamese and Thai restaurants, that bottle of hot sauce is like a squeezy bottle. Okay. With a green twist cap. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a valve cap. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know this stuff. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And it's like there was a whole, it's so popular Like a valve cap. Oh, okay, yeah, yeah. You know this stuff. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And it's like there was a whole... It's so popular as a hot sauce. Yeah. It's kind of got the consistency of ketchup. So it's kind of...

It's thick. Yeah. It's not like runny. It's not runny. Like Tabasco, which is very watery. Yes, it's not like that. It's... And it's got basically garlic and chillies.

Oh, that's really nice. Yeah. I'd have sriracha or anything. That's nice, that. Out of ten, then. I'm just giving it a solid eight. All right, good. I'll give it a solid eight as well.

I don't know what it's missing, but that's a great snack. That's a great pub snack, man. That would go well with a nice lager on a hot day. It really would. You know, something nice to cool the taste buds down. Oh, that is really nice. Let's not do the show and just eat this. They're crunchy. They're sweet. They are spicy. Really nice. Mmm. Let's not do the show and just eat this. Mmm.

They're crunchy, they're sweet, they are spicy, they've got a garlicky thing going. Yeah, they do have a very kind of garlicky aftertaste, don't they? Oh, mate. Oh, we like them. We like them. It's like the Doritos things from last time that you got, the spicy, cheesy, whatever it was, jalapenos. Cheese crackers, sort of cheese sandwich crackers. I love that shit.

Yes. I love it so much. There's not enough spicy crisps in this country. No. No, you're right, they're not. We tend to go for very kind of umami-ish. Is that the right word? Umami.

Umami-ish flavor, like cheesy things or meaty things. It's very much like that. Not enough spice. No, we need more spice in our life. The UK needs more spicy crisps. Well, we've got those, and we'll be eating those at a later date. What's next? That's good.

This could be our highest scoring ever. Let's hope so. She hasn't gone for gross stuff, has she? those, and we'll be eating those at a later date. What's out of ten? That's good. This could be our highest scoring ever. Let's hope so. She hasn't gone for gross stuff, has she? No, she hasn't. She's gone for nice kind of over-the-counter snacks. The next one, Combo's Baked Snack. Oh, yeah. They are, it says on the top corner, Spicy Buffalo Zing.

Blow. And the flavour is Buffalo Blue Cheese Pretzels. Give them to my mouth and stuff them in. Yes. The package says crunchy oven-baked pretzels with the spicy buffalo blue cheese flavoured fillings, creating the perfect hunger management snack. Hunger management? Yeah.

Two hearty tastes, one filling snack. Yes, so I've had these before. Oh, you have? For people who are not aware of combos, they're basically a sort of cheese substitute filled roll of paste. We have something similar in this country where they have those baked pretzel snacks, but they don't have any fillings in, by and large, do they? Should I go first on this? You go first with this one.

Oh, he's having his O-face. He looks happy. I like it. You're touching yourself tonight, Eli.'t actually stay with me don't do that uh let me have a little taste of this on my turn now it's good isn't it they're very salty you've got the blue cheese coming through i like the blue cheese center it takes the edge off the crunch but it means it feels more satisfying in the mouth. It's got the soft centre and the spice again. For me, not too spicy. They're not as spicy,

definitely, as the Chex. No. I can taste more the cheese flavouring than anything else. You're getting the cheese, yeah. Yeah.

But I like the big pretzel flavour. Very nice. Oh, mate. I could put on some weight with these. Alison, just send stuff every week, please. In fact, just send us this stuff every week.

I'm going to give that 8 out of 10 as well. In fact, what I'm going to do is I'm going to give that 8 out of 10 and I'm going to bump those up to 9 out of 10. Yeah, because they're better. Better? I like spicy hot food. A lot. It's one of these ones.

It's got only 130 calories per serving. Serving size, one fifth of one combo. Yeah. Oh, I like them. Very nice. What are you going to give it? Eight? I'll give it eight.

All right. So I'm going to say eight out of ten for those, nine out of ten for the checks. I could have a little hors d'oeuvres platter. With your bowl from last week. Yes. Last show. And we could put the combos in one section. We could put the checks in the other.

Let's do that. Let's do that. Let's put them in a bowl later. Take a picture. Yeah. And then we'll like the perfect hors d'oeuvres. Cheap show, hors d'oeuvres. Hors d'oeuvres.

Oh, I like that. Right, the next one. Now, this is a sweet now. We've gone from the spicy. This is our home turf, basically, when it comes to food, isn't it? We like the spicy. We like the hot. We like the crunchy.

We're both fans of the spice. We are a big fan of the spice. And do you know what pisses me off, generally? Right. People go, ooh, red hot. It's red hot. Ooh, it's going to kill you. Ooh, it's like, it's not that hot.

It's not that hot. It's not that hot. See those YouTube videos are going, I'm going to have the Doritos roulette crisps because they're so hot. Oh, that's bullshit. And there was that girl who's hospitalised. The doctor should have

just said, look, love, your daughter is a wuss. She's a fucking pussy girl. Come on. Fuck's sake. It's not that hot. They are not that hot

the Doritos roulette. Ooh, it burnt my mouth. Ooh, it's lead, you know, it's fucking gone mad. They're spicy, but they're no spicier than like not. Oh, it burnt my mouth. It's fucking gone mad. They're spicy, but they're no spicier than Monster Munch, I think. No. What a load of bollocks. What a load of bollocks.

Grow up, England. Grow a pair. Yeah. Apart from ladies who may not be able to. Yes. Men can't grow a pair either. They have a pair of their own that grows. Reassert your pair.

Yeah. Substantiate your pair. I don't know. Would you pump water into my bollocks? I wouldn't personally know. Those big swinging sets. I don't want to imagine you with big bollocks full of water.

Mate, you don't have to imagine. No, I do. Everyone has to. Everyone has to imagine you with big bollocks right now. Ladies and gentlemen, if you're listening to this show, imagine Eli with a massive pair of bollocks. Outsized bollocks. In a wheelbarrow that he has to carry around in front of him. Or dragging behind.

Dragging behind. Yeah. Just imagine me soaping down the long stem of my scrotal bag in the shower. Wearing a nice silk dressing gown. I'm getting into this. Just give me the next. What's next? The next one is a sweet thing. We're going nice silk dressing gown. I'm getting into this. Just give me the next... What's next?

The next one is a sweet thing. We're going away from that and onto the sweet now. Now, I've heard of these before. I'm sure you've definitely heard of these before, but I've never actually tried them. Okay.

They are Ding Dong. Oh, yes. Now, this is Hostess. Now... Yeah. The famous brand, Hostess. Mostly for Twinkies. Twinkies.

Yeah. Hang on. There's a connection, isn't there, to your favourite movie? Ghostbusters. Which has an analogy about Twinkies. Which is one of the most famous lines. That's a big Twinkie. Who actually delivers that line?

Winston delivers that line. Here's the thing about Winston. People go, oh, I don't really remember Winston, but he has some great fucking lines in that film. He's got some toppers, some punchlines. My favourite line in the film Full Stop comes from Winston where you know after they've been

blasted by Zool off the top of the skyscraper Winston goes Ray the next time someone asks you if you're a god you say yes and I just love that line

anyway Ding Dongs actually here's a question aren't hostess out of business I thought that happened that was a thing that happened and they had to sell off Twinkies and it was bought

by some other company well they may have but you could maybe check and it was bought by some other company. Well, they may have, but you could maybe check and it's made by Kraft or Nestle at the back. Let's have a little look about that, actually. Unilever. It says Hostess brand, 2014. I mean, that's the company.

This is best by May 19th, 2016. So we're all right. We're good. What's a ding dong? It's like a mini wagon wheel. What does it say it is? Chocolate cake with creamy filling Lovely Lovely

See, it's a cake It's a cake It's not a biscuit It's a cake It looks like a milk roll with a creamy centre Yes You know, a chocolate roll Now this is a classic

Oh, that's very like a wagon wheel in appearance, isn't it? Yeah It's like a squished wagon wheel Now these have been a bit battered in the process So I'm not going to hold that against it Oh, that's very like a wagon wheel in appearance, isn't it? Yeah. It's like a squished wagon wheel. Now, these have been a bit battered in the process, so I'm not going to hold that against it. Your one's better than mine, I think. Well, no, mine's got a whole bit that's flaked off on the top. I'll tell you what, it smells all right.

I'm going for it. All right, go for it. That's all right. That's all right, isn't it? Again, very sweet. The thing is, it's something about American chocolates or American sponges that they inherently taste artificial. I mean, I'm not saying American chocolates or American sponges. They inherently taste artificial. Yes.

I mean, I'm not saying most things like this aren't. Because, as I say, Cadbury's rolls are what they call milk rolls, chocolate rolls. That's what this is like, isn't it? It's like a kind of flat version of a roll. I can't remember what they're called. Cadbury... Logs. Milk logs. Chocolate logs.

Milk logs. I don't know. Anyway, it tastes like that. But they taste more naturally cakey and chocolatey. Yes, and this has that artificial taste. But then we've had some Turkish stuff, which is very artificial. Do you know what I mean? I remember that stuff, yeah.

It was kind of nasty. And that's all right. That was all right. Very nice. It's sweet. If you want a cup of tea, that's what I was going to say. With a cup of tea. Actually, I've got a cup of tea here.

Let's do this with a cup of coffee. With a cup of tea. Actually, I've got a cup of coffee here. I've got a cup of tea here, yes. Let's do this with a cup of coffee. So let's just, you know, formulate a moment between us where we're having a nice dining situation. Oh, Eli, I believe the politics is very much in the news right now. Yes.

Give me one of those, what are they called? Milk, what are they called? Ding-dongs. Ding-dongs. I'll give you my ding-dong. Oh. Put my soft ding-dong in your mouth right now so you can get a nice

creamy sense of sensation. It's very pleasant. What's your score for a ding dong? It's a damn ding dong because I can usually get a score for a ding dong. I don't know. I mean, I don't love it, but it's not awful. I'd say six. I'll go for a six.

I was going to say seven, but I think six is fine. Okay. Six for the ding-dongs. Let's say six for the ding-dongs. Out of all the things you've had today, what is your favourite? It's going to have to be the first item. Checks. The Sriracha Checks. You see, I like the Checks. I prefer the Checks, but I think I'd be more

satisfied on a longer snack basis with the combos. I'd get my money's worth i think with the combo i feel satisfied whereas i kind of that would be like a bit insubstantial aren't they the checks they're like we'd eat that in like five minutes flat yeah and we'd be like with our mouth and then be like i want more you want more but with the combos you've got some actual i kind of feel like they've got some girth they've got some lovely girth i mean you can have a ding dong in your mouth but i prefer some girth instead.

Is that the end of a... That's the end of Cheap Eats. Alison, thank you very much for that. Well, now it's our special one. Oh, my God, I forgot. I apologise. Bring on the bonus item. Now, this is Chow Chocolatier. Oh, OK.

Gourmet handcrafted chocolate. Maybe not so cheap, but let's give it a taste. It's cheap because we've not paid for it it's yeah it's got to be cheaper than that can't it so these are all gourmet chocolates

which are chocolates with something in like what a flavouring bacon really this is a bacon one are there different types

of flavours in each one or is it all bacon let's go see what we've got in here one bacon one I kind of feel like we should try them all this has got popping candy in it.

Oh, no, don't do the popping candy. We know what popping candy chocolate's like. We get that all the time in the UK. We've got those celebrations.

This has got honeycomb. Honeycomb is crunchy. That's fine. We can leave that. Potato chip. Now, that's unusual. Let's try potato chip. So we'll have the bacon

and the potato chip. Yeah. And then we've got cinnamon cereal smooch. Now, that'll be fine. We'll know what that one tastes like. It's probably fine.

We're going to taste the bacon and the potato chip, yeah? Yeah. So they've got their own little sachets here. I know, very nice. I'm opening the bacon. Yes. I'm going to give it a sniff.

You don't look happy about that. It does not smell great. And I think in transit, these have... Oh, they've fallen out by the wayside. They look... I'm going to just bite into this malformed chocolate knobble. Oh, God. I've never seen your face make those kind of weird twitches before.

It's strange. Can I have a taste? It's bacon. It's bacon with chocolate. I can't taste the bacon yet. It's salty. Can you get the saltiness? I've definitely got the saltiness.

Well, that's it. I can't taste bacon in that at all No, neither can I What an absolute let down Yeah, it just feels like it tastes salty Like salted chocolate, you know what I mean? Yeah They have not, they haven't pushed the boat out

You want a vast bit? They've just, it just tastes like chocolate really, doesn't it? Yeah Salty chocolate Are you getting some bacon at the end? No, I literally don't taste any bacon. Bacon's quite

a recognisable flavour. I mean you look at frazzles you look at even fake bacon for vegetarians. I'm getting a lot of bacon now. I think what's happened is in the melting process

the bacon has migrated to one area. In your mouth? No. Not like Scarborough. In the chocolate. Right, okay. Oh you think

because it's melted the flavour moved elsewhere. Yeah. I think that's what happened because I got a very bacon-y bit there. I only tasted chocolate. Yeah, and it wasn't a very strong taste of bacon. So a bit of a disappointment, really.

Yeah, a bit of a disappointment. It's not bad chocolate, but definitely I would say three out of ten. It doesn't deliver on its promise. You're looking for something like kapow. Yeah. Now this is another unusual combination, potato chip. See, you know what? Can I just guess

Based on the bacon one That's just going to be chocolate With crunchy salty bits in Yes I think you'd be right Again, it's kind of melted down It has gone a bit melty It looks more like a kind of

Dirty protest It's a sachet of dirty protest Here we go And I'm going to give it a taste Yeah, that is quite unpleasant Wow, so It tastes like cris. Yeah, that is quite unpleasant. Well, so? It tastes like crisps.

Yeah, but in what way does it taste like crisps? Are we talking about Walker's basic? No, kettle chips. Oh, I need to have a taste. That's very strange. Okay. Oh, you're right. You can definitely taste the... The crisps.

The crisp part of that, but better than the bacon one. You think? Yeah. Because, at least with that one, I know going in it's going to taste like crisp in some respect, and it does, and I like it. Whereas the bacon one was just salty chocolate. Yeah.

It's a more successful combo. I think it's got the texture of... Yeah, I think it's... I prefer it to the bacon one. Yes. But I don't... You don't care for them, really. No, I don't.

I don't. They feel like... A gimmick. They're a gimmick. I think the chocolate's fine, but the actual added flavouring does nothing for it. But you don't like for them, really. No, I don't. They feel like... A gimmick. They're a gimmick. I think the chocolate's fine, but the actual added flavouring does nothing for it. But you know like chipsticks? Not chipsticks, but you know like the very narrow potato crisps

you can get in this country that are very thin? Oh, yes. Very thin and long, like french fries looking, but they're thin. It's got that kind of crisp flavour to them. It does have that flavour, very potato-y flavour. Did you know that in Venezuela and other parts of South America, they take those chips, those ones that you mentioned, the long, thin ones, and they put them in hot dogs. In the bun.

In the bun. In the bun? Yeah. Oh, I bet so as well. It's bloody nice. Oh. Can you imagine that? Yeah.

All crisps, nice. Oh, I like that. With the hot dogs. Oh, I'm going to do that. Yeah. Honestly, it's great. Oh, I've got a bonk on. All right, good.

Is that the end of Cheevy Eats? Let's rate it. We haven't rated it. I'll give it a great. Oh, I've got a bonk on. All right, good. Is that the end of two weeks? Let's rate it. We haven't rated it. I'll give it a five. Overall. The chocolate, the chow. Let's give it an overall, because we haven't tasted the three, but those two, an overall count.

I'll say three. What's the point of it? You know what I mean? It's gimmick chocolate. It's gimmick. It's like, ooh, look, there's bacon in it. Ooh, that's very nice. It's like Ashen's, the website on YouTube, Stuart Ashen's website.

He does a lot of this kind of chocolate as well. And he had a chip shop, chips and curry flavoured chocolate bar. And he was saying, first of all, you just get the chocolate. And then once it melts and the palate goes away, it just tastes of slightly weak curry flavour. And it's like, ugh. I don't understand this appeal with like flavoured chocolate that's all unusual

like prawn cocktail chocolate people are just bored you know we've reached this point in society where we're bored of just regular

basically in the west at least yeah we're all rich to the extent where we could even if you're not that rich you could

you could try a different kind of chocolate every day couldn't you yeah if you so wished it's like Cadbury's now have that

celebrations chocolate where it's like gummy bean and popping candy and banana bits and honeycomb. They're just going mad on everything. You get different flavoured everything.

We're bored of normal, lovely things. Yes. And now it's all like, I don't know, here's a pizza with dog shit and fucking gravel on it.

Can I just say what I object to with pizzas? Yeah, go ahead, do it. Chicken. Chicken on pizza? I don't like chicken on pizza. Why? That's more acceptable to me than like a Hawaiian. Hawaiian is a classic pizza. Chicken on pizza? I don't like chicken on pizza. Why? That's more acceptable to me than, like, a Hawaiian.

Hawaiian is a classic pizza. I know, but I don't like the pineapple on it. I do not. I'm with you. I do not like the pineapple. Fruit with savouries. It's wrong. It's wrong, and it needs to end.

We need to start a hashtag campaign. Hashtag no fruity pizza. Yeah. Anything better than that? Just fruit Savory wrong Fruit savoury wrong It's not as catchy

As we need it But we'll work on it We should do a cheap Eat special Hashtag Shit pizza We should do a Pizza special

See if a really cheap pizza Stands up to One that's more expensive Yes Let's do that Which one has a better flavour overall. Let's do that. All right, let's do that in the future.

Coming up, a shit pizza special. Thank you. Possibly. We just don't know. Anyway, that's Cheap Eats. Again, thank you, Alison. Thank you, Jenny. It's just my family.

Remember their names. I don't give a fuck. I'm sure they don't give a fuck about me. And with that, let's end the section. Back by popular demand, it's the game that baits Eli into having a mini meltdown it's the uh role play game that we all enjoy simply called don't get mad i better hope you don't i bet i do oh let's find out so yeah we played it a few weeks a few shows ago and it's a basically this comes from a uh a website that teaches kids how to deal with anger management problems

in social situations like at school or playground and stuff like that. Apparently your way of getting out of these is to basically show your arse and or penis. That's always a good way of diffusing a situation. Not in school. Especially in school. Right, well that's a different topic altogether.

So I win if I get angry no we're just going to role play it out you'll be the person who has to deal with the anger management and the agitator I'm supposed to get angry

yeah no you're meant to not get angry it's what the game's called don't get mad I'm the agitator I'm going to wind you up and you have to

emotionally get out of it without having a wobble I have to deal with it in a mature way yeah okay no I got it I didn't understand before alright good as long as you

are on page. So I just, adult just, you have your feelings, I have my feelings. We'll work them out. We need to mediate. Yeah. We need to discuss in a calm rational, safe space. Yeah. Everyone's happy here. Everyone's safe. All we need to do is just

look at these situations and don't get mad. And process them. And don't get mad. Put the game set. Right, so to pick the just look at these situations and process them. And don't get mad. To pick the games, you have a grid here with 0 to 9 on the board. You toss your coin onto it. After the two numbers are chosen, I look them up. So if you toss a 0 and a 2,

it's 2. If you toss a 6 and a 4, it's 64. Shall I toss? I would love you to toss right now. Okay, here it 64. Shall I toss? I would love you to toss right now. Okay, here it goes. Seven. 72. Okay.

Okay, I'm ready. Here is the situation for 72. Robin did not want to eat broccoli, but her grandmother told her she had to. Robin felt like ignoring her grandmother and feeding the broccoli to the dog. To the dog. To the dog. To the dog.

What would you tell Robin to do? Right, so here's what's going to happen. Your grandmother and Naughty Robin, who's feeding the broccoli to the dog, you have to deal with me in a way that makes me understand the wrong that I am doing. Okay. All right, so let's get into character.

Right. Eat your broccoli. I don't want to eat broccoli. I don't like it. It's green. I don't like green things. Eat your broccoli or else I'll beat you. Hang on.

Calm down. We haven't started this thing yet. We haven't started yet? No, we're building the character up. Eat your broccoli, please. No. All right, then. All right, then. All right, then.

Here. Here. Here, doggy. Are you feeding that broccoli to the dog, Robin? No. Yes, you are. I'll feed you to the dog. I'm going to smear you.

I'll smear you with chum. I'm going to smear you dirty ingrates. In my day, in my day, little girls used to have to be behind curtains. Only eating... Curtains? You would be shoved away in a corner and you would be eating

pureed broccoli through a straw because I would have broken your fucking jaw. Right, well it makes no sense to me anyway because you're part of the older generation and your opinions don't mean shit. Right. I'm the millennial generation. I'm getting the manacles.

The what? The manacles and the broccoli feeding device. What the fuck are manacles? You know, they get your hands, your hands are restricted, so you can't feed the dog. Fuck you, granny. Fuck you, Robin.

Right, well, I don't know if that particularly worked out the situation as best. I mean, it wasn't the best starting point for us. Well, who was meant to not get angry, though? Well, you'd think Robin, but it's the grandmother. I'm going to toss again. Let's try again. Toss it again. Eight. Eight.

81. Let's see what 81 gets us. Okay, here we go. Roger wanted a new video game, but his mother wouldn't buy it for him. Roger felt like telling his mother how mean she was. What do you think Roger should do? Right, so you're going to be Roger. Okay.

You're going to want a game. Yeah. I'll be Mum. Okay. Okay. We're in a megastore. We're in a HMV or whatever. Mum.

It's quiet. I'm paying for this. Mum, Mum. What do you want, Roger? It's Zombie Disembowelment 3. I know. But I haven't got it. I know.

But I want it. That game's rated mature. You can't have it. It's too old for you. No, no, no. But I played Zombie Disembowelment Kids Edition. Well, you shouldn't be playing that. Have you been playing with David again?

I've been playing with David. You know David's a naughty boy. He's a very naughty boy and he has pornographic magazines. He shows me them. And we pretend that we are a lady's hand when her lady's hand is feeling her lady's bits up. This is very enlightening. Give me the fucking game.

Don't you dare embarrass me in this shot. Buy me the game. I'm not listening. Buy me the game. I'm not listening. Buy me the game. I'm going to shit. Roger, do not poo in this shop. I'm taking a shit in this shop. You did it in Asda.

You did it in Primark. Buy me the fucking game. You'll not get a game. I'm going to tell daddy that you're mean. You can tell daddy if you can find him. I don't know the fuck who he is. Is he a zombie? No, he's not. You're not having that game.

I'm taking your console out. I'm going to put it away, and you're also grounded for a week. How do you like that, Roger? Well, I've shat now. I know you've shat now. I'm not impressed. Did I win? Did I win there?

No, you didn't win that at all. One more. No, because you should get a smack around the face. If you were my kid, and you acted like that up in public, you'd be counting teeth in your fucking palm, mate. Well, you'd just be paying for it from dentistry. No, because I would kill the child. Right, good.

I would kill my own flesh and blood. This is so unhealthy. Anyway, I'm tossing again. That's four. Yeah, four. Eight. 48. Let's have a look at 48.

Brian kept losing at the board game he was playing with. Brian wanted to knock the game onto the floor and storm off. How should Brian react? All right, so I'll be your mate. Okay. David, you know, the one who gives you pornographic magazines, apparently, and you pretend each other's your lady's hands. That sounds like there's a bit of truth to that,

because it's a very specific, very specific anecdote that I'm beginning to wonder that you, at a very young age, and Virgil, probably, had a fucking circle jerk. No, he didn't. A two-handed daisy chain of child love.

Don't get personal. You're the one who brings up... Are we going to play this scenario or what? I just don't know. All right, so I'll be David. We're playing a board game. Let's just say, I don't know, it's Snakes and Ladders. Okay, and I Are we going to play this scenario or what? I just don't know. Alright, so I'll be David. We're playing a board game. Let's just say, I don't know,

it's snakes and ladders. Okay. Alright. I'm just going to dissolve, resolve the situation amicably. Alright, so I'll be David.

Alright, so at five. One, two, three, four, five. I've won. I've won the game. You won again. I've won again. I've won again

because I am the best at this game. No. Yeah, I am the best at this game. No. Yeah, I am the best at this game. You are not good at... You are not good at snakes and ladders. Well, I'm going to. You know what I'm going to do? Are you going to shit, Eli?

Is that what it is? Because I just want to nip it in the bud right now. If you dare solve this situation... I'm not going to shit. No. ...spraining faecal matter on a board... I won't be shitting. No.

All right, let's get back into the role. So I always win, you never win. Ah ha ha, you're rubbish at games. Well, perhaps I am, David. But you know, at least I'm not a malky who'll never get on the sports team and who wets the bed. You fucking wet the bed.

Why do you have to bring up the fact that I've only got half an arm? You've only got half an arm and you wet the bed. The only thing I've got going for me is board games and you've taken that away from me.

It's totally random. You've taken that away. I don't give a shit. What kind of friend are you that you take fun of a friend of yours I've designed an app who's only got half an arm.

I've designed a pornography app. I can enter sports days. I don't care about winning this stupid board game. But you're making fun of me. Why? Because you're a dick. Over a board board game. But you're making fun of me. Why? Because you're a dick. Over a board game?

I thought you were my mate. No, I'm not your mate. I'm going to fucking hang myself in the attic tonight. Good. And in my suicide letter, I'm going to not only name you, but I'm going to draw a fucking picture. When I die, you'll be the focus of a lot of litigation. I don't care because I'll be a millionaire for my pornography app. Why have you got

a pornography app? Because I'm an entrepreneur. You're not. You're just not. You're eight. Yes, well, they start young these days. I think you're very mean. I'm only good at board games. You're captain of the football team. You're good at art. You're good at

computers. And I've only got board games and I won one, and you can't give me that, can you? No. You can't let me have that victory. I won't let you have it. Why won't you do it? Because I don't like you. All right, well, you know what?

I'm allergic to nuts, and I'm going to eat a big bag of nuts now, and I'll leave my frothing corpse on your doorstep. Good. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Cheap show. No, we're going to do one more. I'm going to get this right. One more.

One more. Zero. Toss it again. Six. Greg wants to watch his favourite TV show. Ooh, ooh, ooh. I dread to think what's going to come. But his parents were watching something else.

Greg feels like throwing a temper tantrum. How should Greg behave? Right, so I'll be your parent. You're watching, I don't know, Avatar The Last Airbender. Or I don't know what you're watching. But anyway, you're watching something and I come in. That's right, so. Turn that off now.

I'm sorry. The news is on. I want to watch the news. Coming up on the news tonight. Come on, turn it back. No, we will not turn it back on. Come on, turn it back. You can watch that any time you like.

We've got it on Netflix. I can't watch it. No, I want to watch it now. We can't watch it now. Oh, I'm going turn it back on. Go on, turn it back! You can watch that any time you like. We've got it on Netflix. I can't watch it! You can watch it on Netflix. No, but I want to watch it now! We can't watch it now. Oh, I'm going to fucking do something! I'm going to make myself sit! Don't you dare! I'm going to make myself sit!

Like that, I'm going to fucking... No! No! Not the belt! You never let me watch what I want to watch You never let me want to watch it I'm going to kill you I'm going to literally

Flay your corpse I'm going to wear you This is turning me on You know what we should never play this game again Because frankly it brings out Quite a lot of darkness in us. We don't need more darkness in Cheap Show. We don't really...

We need to add more upbeat. They asked for it. It didn't go very well. It didn't go very well. We tried to remain calm. But you had a meltdown. I smacked a small child around because I wanted to watch the news. Ironically, the big story was a child abuse in schools.

There's the bitter irony to that whole sketch. We're not very good improvisers. Speak for yourself. I'm not a very good improviser, and you make do on just shitting and doing obvious outs. I don't know what to say. I'm very disappointed. Let's just finish the show.

Let's just finish it. And that's it for episode 22 of The Cheap Show. The quality of that show? Uneven. Certain highs. Patchy. Patchy is probably good. That was a patchy show.

But listener, dear, dear, dear listener, please stick with us. Put aside any critical thought and just blindly and ignorantly go to iTunes, give us five stars and say passable. Go to iTunes, go to Stitcher, go to SoundCloud, rate, review, subscribe to us, follow us. It's how we can spread the word. It's how we can get more listeners.

Send us sweeties. Send us sweets as well. We want to hear from you. If you want to get in touch with us, you can. There's the email, thecheapshow at gmail.com and we're also on Twitter can. There's the email, thecheapshow at gmail.com and we're also on Twitter. You can follow the show at thecheapshowpod and I'm on Twitter as at paulgannonshow. And Eli?

I'm Eli Snowid. Yes, you are indeed. And get involved in the show. Show us things that you've found in charity shops, bargains, articles, gadgets, food, whatever. We want your input. I'd quite like... Because we're giving up, basically. A date. I'd quite like a date if they could... If anyone would like

to give Eli a handjob, at the very least, I'm sure you'd be grateful. I don't like handjobs. No? No, it's weird. It's impersonal. It's rough. You'd rather, like, force a woman down to suck your dick. No! Without any form of emotional attachment. Of course I wouldn't do that. I would not do that. Of course I wouldn't do that I would not do that

of course I wouldn't do that no you're not getting any of it it doesn't really fucking matter no it doesn't it's all hypothetical it's very pathetic you put the pathetic in hypothetical

very clever yeah I thought so so anyway get in touch so yeah subscribe review rate to us on iTunes we would deeply appreciate it and if you love the show

spread the word get involved this episode has pictures to go along with the things that we've done in it. And if you love the show, spread the word. Get involved. This episode has pictures to go along with the things that we've done in the show. So if you want to find out, go to the

dedicated episode on the website, which is www. WDON'T. WDON'T. www. WDOO. Shut up.

www. TheCheapShow.co.uk. And we'll be back in two weeks time with more Cheap Show goodness. Until then, make sure you don't wipe your arse

no make sure you do wipe your arse whatever it's up to you you're an adult next time on the show here's our catchphrase sign us off

go on Eli hit it wipe your arse you twat goodbye We'll see you next time.