CheapShow - Ep 220: Dirty Daniel Dancer

Episode Date: March 5, 2021

We hope you have some soap and a towel nearby because we are getting extra mucky this week. Before we get to all the "icky stuff", Paul and Eli somehow manage to cram in a Sauce Report and Cheap Eats segment. Once that's out of the way, be prepared. You may never be able to look at Doner Kebab meat the same way, ever again, after this week's Tales from the Shop Floor! The Cheap Chaps also open up the history books and take a deep, dirty dive into the grubby life of renown 18th century miser, Daniel Dancer. And yes, you may have heard that name before somewhere. Finally, please be warned that there are "fake characters" trying to get on the show. Most of them are animal based. As we said "Be Prepared"! Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-220-dirty-daniel-dancer And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Oh, and you can NOW listen to Urinevision 2020 on Bandcamp... For Free! Enjoy! https://cheapshowpodcast.bandcamp.com/album/urinevision-2020-the-album If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Also, you can NOW see Eli star in "Ashens & The Polybius Heist", download it from here: https://www.watchpolybiusheist.com MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop https://www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Paul is writing a book! Want to help make it happen? https://unbound.com/books/ghosts/ Send Us Stuff CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Eli, I've got a great idea for the intro to this show this week. What are you going to do for the intro to this show this week? So I thought what I might do is instead of play the intro theme, I might do it, you know, acapella. I might be this week's theme. I might do it myself. I'm ready for this. Yeah, as long as I don't have to do anything.

Mate, when do I ever rely on you to do anything ever? I'm just saying. You are a piece of snot on the end of a truncheon. That's what you are. Shut up. Callback. What? I'm a saying. You are a piece of snot on the end of a truncheon. That's what you are. Shut up. Callback. What? I'm a fake dick.

You're a fake dick with a sad amount of sputum on the end of it. I'm a policeman's fake dick. Like cuckoo spit on a flower. What about cuckoo spit? It's like someone's gone and spat on a flower. It's like those slimy blobs. Those slimy blobs you get on... Did you ever gaily run through a field

and stretch your hands out, brushing across the tall grass, and yet your hands came back wet? And when you looked at certain flowers, there was like a foamy, spitty residue on the flower. Yes, yes. It's called cuckoo spit. But do you know what causes it in reality?

It's not cuckoos, is it? Sexy flowers. No, I think it's some kind of squidgy caterpillar or something. Oh, what? It's caterpillar spoff. Basically, it goes... And it's all bubbly, the little caterpillar mouth. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bub, bub, bub, like that. All the spit. And he moves down the stem. He's moving down the stem, building lots of bubbles, but it's all this spit. It's caterpillar spit. What a lovely kid's book that would have been. The Spoffy Caterpillar.

Yeah, caterpillar puke product. Yeah. Page one, open it up. Caterpillar joshing off onto an apple. Page two, caterpillar spoffing on a froze. It's not spoffing. It's not spoffing. It's spitting.

Page one, caterpillar does a bubble of spit. Page two, Caterpillar does two. It's educational. It's a very educational book. Right. And then on page three, three bubbles of spit from the caterpillar then. And you see we're building. We're building a little castle of spit bubbles by the end.

And then you could come gaily through the field with your arms outstretched and go, ooh, a cuckoo's spoffed on my hand. Yeah. Are you just trying to avoid doing what you said you'd do and what we are all waiting for you to do? Right, okay, you get ready for this. Here we go. You ready?

Paul Gannon presents... Yeah, here we go, yes. ...the intro to Cheap Show as performed by Paul Gannon. Here we go. Yes, hello. Here's Paul Gannon. I hate you and your fucking noodle products. What?

That's wrong. Noodle time. Oh, I hate noodles. You and your fucking noodle posse. I hate them. Cheap show. Cheap show. Eli Silverman Paul Gannon

Welcome to Cheap Show Cheap Show Cheap Show Cheap Show That's all, yeah Hello everybody, welcome to Cheap Show I'm Eli Silverman, Paul Gannon's here as well with me. And, uh, I'm not talking... I'm not going to mention that.

How good was that? Bad. What do you mean, bad? You said it wasn't accurate. That's one thing. It was spot on. It was not spot on. It wasn't accurate. I'm not having that. You just get away with doing your fucking mouth noise.

Oh, I'll do my mouth noise in a rhythmic way. I've developed my spoffy mouth noise into a rattle, a little rattle, and then I do the rhythm on my mouth noise, and we're supposed to applaud that? I'm just going to move on. Yes. I'm just going to move on and introduce the show,

which I'm just trying to wrest back some kind of control over the fucking opening, but no, I have to talk about a caterpillar that spat. That didn't work. None of that worked. None worked none of it right you've got me in the mood cheap show golden games are you really not going to play the actual theme this week no welcome to cheap show my name is paul gannon and this is the Podcast. For your ears, we go to the bargain bins and charity shops from powerlands of Great Britain and beyond to bring you the treasure that we might find amongst the trash.

What do you mean, and beyond? What? We like stuff from around the world. This has not been run past me either. None of this. You said we were doing a fucking... What, the past five years of content has not been run past you? No, the addition of and beyond, which is a cheesy gimmick of a thing to say i've said that before fucking for your ass before you're all jealous because you know you can't do the cheap

show theme tune with your mouth i fucking care you're all getting bitter now no i can i don't care that you're trying to bugs bunny me on this i can do it i would do it duck season if i did it it would be a magnificent feat of acapella beatboxing. Do it. All right. Do it, ladies and gentlemen. Today, performing the Cheap Show theme on the Cheap Show podcast, it's Eli J. Silverman.

Here we go. Paul, no, just do this bit. We can cut this bit out. But how does it go again? What's sort of the general, just the general melody? How's it go? Mate, we've been doing this for five years i know but they change it doesn't go off brand off off brand off yeah i'm getting it all right come on you're just gonna have to go with what your memory is

it starts with a kind of build-up and then it goes i hate hate you and your fucking noodle posse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay. Right? There you go. And action. Ooh. Ooh, I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. Off Brand Brand Off. Off Brand Brand Off. Off Brand Brand Off. You're just going to have to learn to love noodles or whatever.

Paul Gannon. Eli Silverman. And I go and I nuzzle. Stop doing that. And I nuzzle. That was like if Jimmy Savile did our theme tune. Bruce Forsythe. Stop.

We'll do the Cheap Show theme for you right now. No. A-dip-dip-a-dip. A-dip-dip-a-dip. A-dip-dip-a-dip. A good game. A-dip-dip-a-dip. Cheap show.

Marvellous, Anthea. Off and on. Off and on. Go games. Stop it. Stop it now. Right. There's a serious... I knew there was something that you're trying to stop me from doing.

There's been a serious noodle incident. Noodle incident report with Eli Silverman. Sorry, Paul, can we cut this bit out? I said noodle, but it's actually sauce. Sauce incident. Yes. Sauce report. Hello, welcome to Sauce Report.

Source Report. Port. Port. Port. Hello. Welcome to Source Report. This is an independent segment within the Cheap Show family. Just to let you know about the legal side of things there.

I'm Eli Silverman. Family is a legal matter. Paul, are you in this? You want to say subsidiary of the Cheap Show brand. Are you in this Source Report? Is this your Source Report? No, it's just a question. Is that a trick question? Is it meant to be? Is this your source report? No, it's just a question. Is that a trick question? Is it meant to be?

Is this your source report? No. Paul. Paul. Is it my source report? Ipso facto. Ipsy dixit. Ooh.

Hmm. Is one such a source report? Hmm. By all means, if you have a source report, by all means. Otherwise, I could do the actual source report that I've actually got. And you could stop fucking interrupting this. I've got a source report by all means otherwise i could do the actual source report that i've actually got and you could stop fucking interrupting the source report what i spaffed in my kegs that's my source report you fucking spaffed you done you done a spaff yeah lazy lazy lazy but it's true no can i have it's pancake day in my pants and i've got the batter it's shrove tuesday in my underwear and just like pancake day in my pants and I've got the batter. It's Shrove Tuesday in my underwear.

And just like pancake day, you can toss my batter any time you want into a frying pan and eat it with mushrooms. What am I talking about? Squeeze my lemon. I squeeze my lemon onto my pancakes. On your jiffy. On my pink pancakes. I spread my pink pancakes out and then squeeze the lemon on.

Sauce report. Doop-da-doop-da-do. Eli's sauce report. On my pink pancakes. I spread my pink pancakes out and then squeezed the lemon on. Sauce report. Doop-da-doop-da-doop. Eli's sauce report. Thank you. Yes. In the Guardian newspaper, there were 30 sauces, lockdown sauces. What does that mean? The sauces people liked during lockdown?

It was sauces which you should try, yeah, during lockdown. Because, you know, sauce is the way that you jazz up. You zhuzh up. You give it a bit of... Vavh up, you give it a bit of... Vavavum. You give it a bit of sparkle, give your food a bit of zha-zha, you know, a bit of... A bit of...

A bit of glisten. Glister. I'm going to glister this. I'm going to glister this. You've kind of moved from... You've moved from flavour to testicles. Sauce. It's sauce.

It's all sauce, Paul. It's all sauce. Spoff is a very special category of sauce, basically's all sauce. Spoff is a very special category of sauce, basically, isn't it? It is a very special category. Is it umami? Or is it the kind of hot sauce? I have never actually tasted any. That'd be a lie.

You have never tasted cum? Even your own by accident? Or in a curious moment? I've tasted my own, both by accident and in more than one curious moment. So! Right. I'm glad we got this out. I've got my own, both by accident and in more than one curious moment. So, right. I'm glad we got this out. I've got buckets of it. This is not the sauce report I had in mind, Paul.

I treat my buckets of it like cheese fondue. I take a little bit of bread and I dip it in. I'm going to vomit. And then I curl it round the bread. No, curl it round. Do you know how I know that's not true? What? Because spoff after a couple of days, it's rigid.

No, mate. Nah, see, that's the mistake you make. You leave a splitter splatter upon the ground, right? Whereas I keep it in like, you know, like the way they keep cement wet by turning it in one of those big kind of cement mixers. Right. I've got a spunk mixer. Yeah. And it's only little.

You load into it and it just keeps it moving, keeps it moving. It's like a slush puppy machine. How's it powered? What do you mean? How's it powered? I don't know. It just works. Just doing it now?

It just works. It's a perpetual motion spoff stirring, mini spoff stirring. Yeah. Right. It's a spoff puppy slushy mixing machine.

Is it some kind of... And I just, like a slush puppy machine, I just pull a little handle and it all comes out onto a cup. Right. And it's some kind of alien technology? It just keeps going forever? You've never... Oh, wait, there,

no, it's solar powered. It's got a little solar power on it, I've noticed just now. Oh, it's solar power. Conveniently. Well, this is... Yeah. Enlightening, Paul, but what I was trying to say... Anyway, what a great source report that was, Eli. Great story. I'm not stuck! Let's move on now. You haven't! Everyone knows about my spoff mixing machine

I'm going to fight you on this because I have the end of my actual sauce report to finish alright go for it I will shut up then have you? good I'm just going to drink my coffee

good drink it so there was this 30 sauces to try a lot of these like the exo sauce I will have covered or mentioned before

there was sambal there was something that's been shared with us quite a lot garney and shito sauce you heard of that i have yeah and i can in no way find anything amusing to say about the name of that sauce i really want to try that because i don't think i've tried it but it's it's quite similar to an xo it's sort of like a see not tried this the shito or shito whatever they call it there are a few on there that aren't really suitable for Cheap Show. Like there's this new one that, in fact, the Dollop have been advertising,

but it's like 20 quid a bottle. So get rid of those. Get rid of that. My mission is to get every other source on it and have a look at these lockdown sources on an upcoming source report here on Cheap Show. I'm happy with that. I'm happy with that.

Eli, if that's what you want to spend your hard-earned money on during a lockdown then i all by all means go ahead and buy all the sauce it had qp mayonnaise on that list not not kp no qp but if kp did do a mayonnaise i'd definitely give that a go the kp should do a sauce based on disco and call it kp in the sauce shine band. Mate, that's why you work in radio. Right there. Baby, shake it up. Shake it up. Baby, shake it up.

Splashy, splashy, splash, splash, splash, splash. I wouldn't have even attempted a disco-based sauce pun, but you attempted it. We got there. Now, Jaffa Cakes. Cherry flavour. Yes, we're moving on Jaffa Cakes. Cherry flavour. Yes, we're moving on to another little segment now. Eli wants to mention these.

He's going to give us a quick taste and review. Eli Silverman, what's on the docket today? Oh, have we closed the source report down officially now as well? Well, yes, source report is over. Source report is over. There goes Pegasauce. He's flying through the sky back to whence he came. The land of sauce. Upon the horizon

it is the biscuit deer galloping over the horizon. The biscuit deer? Come on, I need a pun like Pegasaurus. I'm a... That's a horse. I'm the biscuit horse. I'm not as cool as the Pegasaurus, but I'm a biscuit horse. These are cakes

anyway, Paul. Stop. Slap the biscuit horse and come up with but I'm a biscuit horse. These are cakes anyway, Paul. Stop. Scrap the biscuit horse and come up with... I'm the cake horse. No. I'm the cake cow. These are Jaffa cakes. Thank you. Thank you for your effort. Now, these are Jaffa cakes. Do you not want me anymore?

I'm the cake horse. You're not the cake horse. Fuck. Get all this livestock out of the podcast. I'll gallop over, off to the best land of biscuits and cakes. Here I go. Straight out the airlock, please. Right. The horsey's gone.

Are you ready? Oh, no. It's the caramel rabbit. No, fuck off. Oh, I don't believe it. Oh, Cadbury's caramel. Oh, Eli. Oh, Cadbury's Caramel. Oh, Eli. Aren't I sexy for a rabbit?

Don't I make you think of other things outside of chocolate, Eli? I would. I would. I just would. Okay, so don't. Cadbury's Caramel. No wonder it tastes so creamy. Or something, I don't know.

Can I taste this fucking Jaffa Cake now, please? Yeah, go on. These are new cherry-flavoured Jaffa Cakes. The huff is fucking shit. He's in for the bite. They're quite nice. What kind of cherry is it? Because you know there's different types of cherry flavour.

Sometimes it's a bit medicinal, sometimes it's a bit glassy cherry. It's not like a very strong medicinal cherry at all. It's quite subtle. More on the sour end. It's quite subtle. More on the sour end. It's like tart. Oh, tart. They've gone for the tartness because that's what makes

an orange Jaffa Cake so nice, isn't it? It has a certain tartness to the... So they're trying to sort of mimic the tartness of the orange by having a tart... I like a tart... A sour cherry sort of taste it is. Is it just cherry

or does it say wild cherry or something on it? No, just cherry. Just cherry? One day we're going to have to do a league of Jaffa Cakes. Cheeky, it says on it. Cheeky, Paul.

Cheeky? Why is it cheeky? It says cheeky. Is it cheeky little? Because you're like, oh, I'm going to be cheeky and eat three sleeves of these. That's not cheeky. That's what I call Wednesday night when I'm depressed. They're quite nice, basically. Out of ten?

Eight. Good. Eight's fine. Do you have anything else you want to add to this part of the show, or can we move on? We can move nice, basically. Out of 10? Eight. Good. Eight's fine. Do you have anything else you want to add to this part of the show or can we move on? We can move on, Paul. Thank you for asking. Right.

In that case, just one little bit of housework then. So you're in Vision. The songs are still coming in. We've got a few more coming in in the past week. Ooh, exciting. Not listened to those ones yet,

but I believe they're of a different ilk. There's more variety now coming in, which is great. It's what I want to hear. Two quick things. If you do send the track in, tell me the name of the track and also what you want to be called so even if your name's bobby but you want to be known as the jaffa elf yes rap jaffa elf then write that down that's what we'll call you we need so we need an artist name or band name

or whatever you want to call it and a title for the chain please can be could be the same thing couldn't it could be like could be rat's arse by by rat ass or like um red lorry by yellow lorry oh that's a clever one and the whole song is red lorry yellow lorry red lorry yellow lorry red lorry yellow lorry cheap show can we end this now last thing last thing is we put the 2020 Your Envision soundtrack up on Bandcamp for free download if you want to hear all the tracks from last year. However, some people have been

giving us money for that album and I thought what we'd do is we'll take all the money from that album and we'll use that to buy a prize for Your Envision this year. Ooh. I don't know what it is yet, but we will use the prize money

to buy this year's winner a prize. Fantastic. So there's a real prize. A real prize. Is it going to be music-based? I don't know. We can have a discussion about that at some point. Okay.

Maybe we'll just get them, I don't know, like 50 quid's worth of meth. That'd be hard to source. Would it? I don't know anyone. Do you know anyone? I haven't got a meth guy. Have you got a meth guy? No one believes...

Bill Donut has some. What? Bill Donut says he can get some. What's he... No, he don't. That's what he said to me the other week. He says he knows a man who knows a man who knows a man. He just lies in his bed, drunk all day.

He doesn't know anyone anymore. No, but sometimes he's not in his little booth at all. I've gone by. What do you mean? And he's not there, and I've looked around the pod. Yeah, and he's not there. Well, where's Inchman? Larry's meant to be looking after him. Well, Larry's half asleep. What do you mean half And he's not there, and I've looked around the pod. Yeah, and he's not there. Well, where's Inchman? Larry's meant to be looking after him.

Well, Larry's half asleep. What do you mean half asleep? Larry never sleeps. He's too busy giving out inches. He's giving out inches all the time. He calls his wife. Yeah, all right, but he's still been very dopey recently. Actually, now that we're on the subject, Paul,

Larry's been, you know, trouble in paradise. He's been like, you know. What? He's been making noises to me in private that he he's not happy about where where where he is in terms of providing inches on the show if he could just have many inches if he could just come if he could just you know he could come and just do a few inches it's all you have to do he's meant to be looking after after fucking donut donuts donut yeah donuts there's something wrong there's a hole in the middle where donut should be in the middle of a hole

a donut hole like now you're going to stop quoting knives out right now all i'm saying is since we put bill and larry together something weird's going on larry's far more lethargic than he used to be. Yeah. And Bill's just off and about. Yeah. Something's going on.

Don't like it. Strange. Yeah, very. I don't know what to talk, I don't know how to end this bit. We don't have to end this bit. Don't try and do this. No, we don't.

We can just go there. Right, it's over. This bit's over. I don't know, I like to end on a laugh though. You know, a laugh, ha ha ha ha ha, then we cut to the sound effect.

All right. Oh. Come on. Oh, Willie, Willie, know i like to end on a laugh though you know a laugh ha ha ha ha then we cut to uh the sound effect all right um oh oh willie willie bang bang furry furry monkey willie bang bang he's gone upstairs monkey willie bang bang he's gone upstairs he's gone upstairs where is he furry monkey willie bang bang he's gone downstairs He's come all the way downstairs. Where is he, furry monkey Willy Bang Bang? He's not going downstairs. He's turned around. He's turned around. Where is he? Furry monkey Willy Bang Bang. No, he's gone on the mezzanine.

He's gone on the mezzanine. He's peering down. Who? Furry monkey Willy Bang Bang. Alright, is that a laugh? I'll say it again. I'll say it again. To be fair, you were right. We should have ended two minutes ago.

We so should. Just stop it. Welcome back from the sound effect. I hope you're enjoying the show so far it's uh time now for a thing we like to call it's just a little thing paul a little thing we like to call tales from the shop floor this is the segment of the show where you the listener writes in about your retail job something that happened. Started off with charity shops, not charity shops anymore. It's more like just general shops with shit.

People read about it. Us, we read about it. We talk about it. Shitting shops. That's what this bit should be called. Is it shit, Paul? Is it shit this week? I am not renaming this segment, Is It Shit?

It's a strong title. You have to admit. I read out a story and paragraph by paragraph, I ask you, is it shitty? And you go, I don't know. Yeah, it's like a game. And then we could have a sort of a toilet shaped little shitometer that fills up and gets,

if it overflows before I've guessed is it shit or not then i've then i've lost then i have to mop up the shit is it shit i think you've had oh you've added quite a lot to this idea and not not all of it is good so you can say is it shit and i go oh oh gotta get this right or else my toilet will overflow with shit uh this no we're not doing that we're moving on we're not doing no. We're moving on. We're not doing... No, you know what? I've picked a story this week that is not shit. Has not got shit in?

No, no shit in. No spoff. No shit. Nothing necrotic. No poo-poo? No. No? That is shit, isn't it?

No shit and poo-poo. Same thing, Eli. What about pukies? No pukies. Oh, good catch. I nearly caught... I didn't catch that, but good catch. No snot.

Sweat. No. Mucus. No. Earwax. No. Scabby scalp flakes. Scabby scalp.

No. Anything else disgusting you want to list off? Bogeys. Yeah, good. Thank you for adding nothing. Crispy sleep biscuits. Crispy. Oh.

My favourite thing to eat on my body dried flaky white stuff at the corner of your your tennis coach's mouth tennis coach ear rind smeg yes no all right there's more bum fluff there's not there's i'd like there not to be i'd like to just be able to read the letter belly button matter i was reading an article recently about how your clothes lose fabric over years. You know, they wear and tear. Most of that fabric ends up in a man's belly button, usually. Well, it's because it's a vortex

of hairs. My belly button is almost always clogged up with treasure. Yes. Is that the subject of this week's Tales from the Shop floor? No. Someone found a huge fetid wad of belly button fluff in the changing room. And there was a little sign sticking out of it going,

Fuck you, next. This is my belly button fluff. Chew down on that and lick it up. It's all squirty. Never, Eli, become political. You can't do it. Now, can you read out the letter, please? We're all dying to hear this.

I'm going to read out the letter. Yes. Here we go. Let me pull the letter up from my dusty box. Ah, this is interesting. They've not given their name. Okay. Right, so here we go.

Perhaps they're still employed in the place of employment. Well, let's find out. Dear Paul and Eli, long-time listener, first-time caller to Cheap Show. I want to keep my name anonymous for professional reasons, if that's okay. Although, quite frankly, I've been retweeting

and promoting Cheap Show on my Twitter feed for years and I am mainly followed by fellow lawyers. So perhaps the risk of professional damage is already done. Oh.

The lawyer's gotten in touch, Eli. This is it. Tells from the shop floor is getting legit. It is, isn't it? I'll see you in court. Tell lawyer's gotten in touch. This is it. Tales from the Shop Floor's getting legit. It is, isn't it? I'll see you in court. Tales from the Shop Floor. Crime edition. Chunk. Chunk. I'm ready. By trade, I'm a criminal

barrister. The lawyer kind. No longer the coffee-making barrister kind, he's put in parentheses. Who's this guy? We don't know what his name is. Can I just call him John? Call him John. It'd be terrible if his name was John, though. We'll just talk about him freely. Let's call him John, yeah?

It may or may not come as a surprise to you to hear that my job is in fact very cheap show adjacent. I'm still relatively low down in the ranks and so much of my job involves going to court to represent people accused of minor and petty crimes. The courts are all old and falling apart,

and the entire criminal justice system is totally underfunded. Hmm. Yeah. Now, it's not the time to get on my soapbox, but when people think of lawyers, they think of wealthy fat cats who make an absolute killing and drive nice cars. Well, that might be true if you work for a big company in corporate law, but folks like me in the low end of crime often work for less than minimum wage fucking hell with the expectation that justice is done quickly and on the cheap

it is a world of charity shop justice and very on brand for cheap show that's fucking crazy yeah it's really terrible the world of low-level crime frequently veers into the scatological and bizarre and i've been wondering for a long time which tale to send into cheap show there are so many war stories that you hear spoken about on The Great Fine, such as the man whose defence to being caught having an intimate moment with a sheep was apparently that the sheep had backed into him while he was having a piss. Well, that happens quite a lot, you know. You're having a piss and you think, oh, I'll just jiggle that off.

I'll shake the lily, as it were, get rid of the excess droplets. And it's like, oh, I'll just jiggle that off. I'll jiggle the, I'll shake the lily, as it were. Get rid of the excess droplets. And it's like, oh, that feels really nice. Oh, I'm erect. Oh, there's a sheep backing into my cock with its arsehole. It has some kind of arsehole clamp. I don't know how that got there. I don't know how that works.

It's attached to the wool on either side. And it's sort of vising open this sheep's arsehole. Right. So it makes it easy just to slip on. attached to the wool on either side and it's sort of vising open this sheep's arsehole right so it makes it easy just to slip on when it backs totally by accident into this funnel i've built in the fencing where they can only go down there and my mate john who's uh who's pushing him from the other side onto my dick not guilty your honor not guilty It's the old, I yawned and caught a load of spunk in my mouth by accident as I was tying my shoelaces in front of a man in a car park.

No one's going to go to court and there's not going to be a lawyer going, I put it to you that you were drinking cum, will they? They might be. Your witness. Now, Mr Gannon, is it or is not true that you were found with a whole load of cum upside your palate and I had to give it the scrapies?

What are you talking about? What kind of court's this? It's the court in my head. I'm the judge. Oh, scrapies. Palate scrapies. Donk. I'm the palate scraper.

Murderer. You shut up Fucking hell Sorry What It's more likely going to be Public indecency Or something isn't it Yeah

If you're in the middle Of Tesco's car park Mouth open As another man With his pants down Round his ankles Pulls at his penis Until he ejaculates

Into your mouth I think that's a crime. Yes, that's a crime. I agree. Okay, you win. And afterwards, once he has come, it's also a crime if I rub my tummy and shout, yum, yum, yum, who's next? Yeah.

I put it to you that you did a Slimer in the hot dog stand on... I'm trying to get that Slimer in the hot dog stand i call it i pulled a mr stave puffed now come on it was the next one that was good if there's a few more of these let's get through it dirty protests leaky dribbles and fecal smearing are sadly both commonplace in this job and i know you've heard this from former policemen who've written in before and they do a very difficult job eventually most of these cases end up in court where they have to be spoken about by people like Yeah. What are you doing today, darling? I've got to go into court because a man fucked a sheep

and these two men smeared poo all over the wall of Wimpy's. Yeah. This man sells kids. Yeah. Right, the kids. I'm glad I laughed on that one, Paul. It was more the rhythm. Yeah, I'm glad you did too.

The rule of three there. I was banking on that, to be honest, because I was going into a nosedive with that. Yeah. He continues, I could tell you about the man I saw during my early days in the job, whose defence to being caught by police

lurking in the bushes near a playground in a state of half-dress was that he had a particularly bad infection in his balls and then there was the recent santa claus flasher yes there was one i'm sure there's countless santa claus flashes anyone who wants to dress up as claws and like you know i mean they've got they must vet the shit out of them now our Our lawyer friend continues. Instead, I think I'll share the horror story, which I've been told by a more senior member of the criminal bar. I know Eli enjoys a good kebab, so I hope hearing this doesn't deter him.

Now, it's that time of the show, Eli, where I say, is it shit? Could well be shit in a kebab, which I'd like to hear about, actually, because that would be a good one. Would you? Yeah. All right, here we go. Here's the story. Nothing could put me off kebabs, mate. because that would be a good one. Would you? Yeah. Alright, here we go.

Here's the story. Nothing could put me off kebabs, mate. Nothing could. They're a staple. Let's find out. The story goes that a local kebab shop had been getting complaints about dubious curly hairs being found in the food. Oh. What is it about pubes that's so sickening? What is it about pubes?

If you ate a kebab and you pulled a big pube from between your front teeth, it would put you off food for a while, right? I didn't guess pubes in my whole list of stuff that could be, did I? Wait, the story's not over yet, Eli. Let's continue. At first it seemed like a simple case of staff not wearing

their hair nets on the job and practising decent hygiene. The hairs only seemed to be reported in the doner meat taken from the big rotating spit. Eventually, the complaints got so frequent that the local council and the police started to investigate. When investigators downloaded the CCTV footage from inside the shop, they found that the hairs had not been coming from the heads or beards of the gentlemen working in the shop. The footage showed a much more disgusting truth. I am told that the manager had been a bit lonely and after a long day's work, once his staff had gone home, he could be seen to lift the big brown slab of meat off the spit and place it on the counter.

Investigators then saw him look around before using the hole in the middle of the still warm meat hunk for another purpose. Wow. Wow. It was fucking the elephant's leg, man. Can't he wipe it off? No, he couldn't. Needless to say, he was shut down after this revelation. I don't think that the mystery ever reached a courtroom because the man accepted his fate. Clearly the kind of case that Detective Jimmy Biscuits

would have blown wide open. Thank you again for the brilliant podcast. I'll keep my eyes peeled for any more further tales from the courtroom floor. Best wishes, cheap, anonymous criminal lawyer. Great. That's great. That's the real deal. You know, about all four of the things he mentions could be a little tales from the shop floor on their own, couldn't they?

But I'd just like to say one thing about that last story. Yeah. They said it never went to court. And it's like, if you find yourself sexually attracted to the elephant's leg kebab doner thing, you're in the wrong game aren't you he must have known it's like a self-sabotage thing it's like i'm gonna fuck this food i don't want to be a kebab shop manager or owner i don't know what i want to be but i don't want to you know

he's angry is what i'm saying he's angry he's trying to it's it's a subconscious sort of thing where he's angry with with being a kebab man do you know what I mean? he wants to fuck the kebab man hole and he's fucking himself because he's the owner he's like I hate this business I'm going to ruin it

I'm going to spoil it I'm going to spoil the food with my cheese if you did no that's not true because if you did you'd just do it out in the open during a shop day you'd be standing

legs sprayed up on the counter spoffing into the salad bar that's how you do that here's what i think happened one night after work everyone was gone he's on his phone looking at porn and go oh oh so he thought what can i do so he found like two burger baps and he put his meat between that and started humping it and it was all right but it wasn't quite the same so then he moved on to the wrap he started you know piling in the lettuce and stuff nice warm lettuce and wrapping it around and he fucked that he was like you want hummus with your lettuce he put the hummus on yeah and the mint sauce and he did that and it was like that did the job but it left a lot of mess and he's looking around the kebab shop he's looking around and then his eye catches the

massive spit with the elephant's leg meat on and in his head he heard that diddly diddly and he picked it up and he was in hogs heaven no but that's what i mean to be able to look at that when it's on the spit you wouldn't think ah the hole at the top and the bottom is about fanny sized or whatever would you you'd have to be the guy just a horror of this isn't it you'd have yeah but he gets it out of the van in the morning and he must have a little sly peek at the top of it when he gets it out of the van i've got that's like a fanny that looks like a fanny where i stick the pole in it looks like a fanny do you know what i mean so he's he's got he's looking at this throughout the day he's staring at it going you fucking dirty car fucking you look at all that he's oh it's seeping it's

seeping glam fat out of it the meat is sweating down down that slab. And he's like, oh, I'll wait till the shops close. You fucking dirty meat slab. He's missed a trick. Because what he should have done is get some way, make a new hole in it, basically. And then you can get it to rotate around your dick. You've just got to get in under it. What, lie at the bottom?

Yes. You lie on the tray. And then you stick it up in under it, under it, like your dick. What, lie at the bottom? Yes. You lie on the tray and then you stick it up and then you get the top bit to rotate and then you're like, yeah. That's ridiculous. That doesn't work.

Automatic doner. Automatic doner lover. Oh, I have the robot doner lover. Scrapies. This was just stage one. Stage one of his love sausage machine where eventually he was going to put put a chop on each side for arms and two sausages for legs and mold breasts out of kebab paps

or something and turn it into his kebab shop wife. Yeah. And he sticks in potato head eyes and noses onto it to give it a face and a smile. And he's sitting there going i love you kebab fuck slab imagine going to work and the next day they turn the all the machinery on and they hunt that slab up and everyone's going why does why does this meat smell like my underpants why is this weird piss and protein meat and there's not. What's the smell of protein? The spoff!

Anyway. Pure, undiluted protein. Yeah. Essence of spoff. Right. Paul, that was good, wasn't it? That was a great story. Yeah. Yeah.

Thanks for that. I hope he writes in some more ones. Yeah. Well done. Well, if you've got any more stories like that, email us thecheapshow at gmail.com and we could be laughing at your poor grammar and depressing existence on this podcast.

Ketchup cow. That's what it could have been. Ketchup cow. Could have been a ketchup cow. Could have been a ketchup cow. Could have been a hot sauce horse. But that's another horse, isn't it? Yeah, we've got too many horses in the sauce stable.

Octopus. You can't just say octopus. I octa sauce octopussy sauce oh it's batter right good well we didn't really improve on it i was thinking more like i don't know condiment badger here comes the condiment badger badger's um one of those words isn't it I know but how many times have we used badger Never We'll have one badger We should have condiment badger

Yeah Is that our one badger Patrick the condiment badger A snuffle snuffle A snuffle snuffle A snuffle snuffle Hello Patrick Hello

Patrick Are you a feral badger Or have you been domesticated somewhat Well you know I used to be feral Back in the day Yeah But I've been I've been you a feral badger or have you been domesticated somewhat well you know i used to be feral uh back of the day yeah but uh i have been um i've been uh i've been um i can't find the words no now can i ask you patrick domesticate patrick patrick can i ask you something why do they call you i can see you're ager. You've got a lovely tawny pelt.

A lovely finish, if I may say so. Thank you. It's very slick. It's very slick and inviting. But why do they call you? I can see you're a badger. That's what I'm... The point I'm making is I can see you're a badger. You've got your little whiskers.

You've got your little claws. Very obvious a badger. You like to hold your claws up by your face like that in a very oh aren't I cute it helps with the snuffling aren't I cute

but I don't think you are cute because I don't think badgers are because they cause TB in fucking in our cows and other other foul animals

Paul Paul I didn't when I came onto this show I didn't expect to have my character assassinated by your co-host. I'm really sorry about this.

Listen to me, Patrick. I just think Eli stepped out of line there. I'm really sorry. He's not usually like this with new guests. Paul, put Patrick back on. I've got a fucking question for him. Yes. Snuffle, snuffle.

I am very doubtful about your worth in the long term to this podcast, Patrick, if that is your name. Mr. Silverman. Mr. Silverman. May I interrupt? What are your source... May I interrupt? What are your source credentials? Why do they call you a condiment badger?

Well, for the past 35 years now, snuffle, snuffle, I've been collecting, maintaining and running a source empire on the south coast of England. Yes. Interesting. And I have a massive warehouse where I make, distribute, and buy in sauces from around the world. Schnaffle, schnaffle, schnaffle. Okay. Well, we'll be seeing you again then, I suppose, one day. Eli, as a friendly gesture.

Yes. Schnaffle, schnaffle, schnaffle. Yeah. I've brought you. Patrick. The golden Thailand asque sauce, which is so rare. Yes. For it is made of the tears of an elk.

It's elk tear sauce. I've heard of this. I've already got some. Now I've got some. Have you? Oh, yeah. Okay. I've got this sauce.

I've got this sauce. What's this sauce? What's the next one? It's a very rare Floridian smoked barbecue hickory coffee sauce made from an ancient Indian recipe. Snuffle, snuffle, snuffle. Ancient Indian as in what? Native American? It's a bit vague, I'll be honest with you. Well, that was very problematic. Are you a problematic condiment badger, Patrick?

Eli? Yes? Would you like a blood diamond? I'll get you one. Right, you're that kind of badger, are you? I thought so. You're a deeply problematic and compromised capitalist sauce badger. Why are you trying to get on the show? Eli.

Yes. Eli. Yes, Patrick. Go. I have a special sauce. Oh, yeah? How is that produced? I make it myself.

Okay. Because I am called Grumbly. All right, fuck off, Grumbly. No, fuck off, Grumbly. I I am called Grumbly. All right, fuck off, Grumbly. No, fuck off, Grumbly. I knew it was Grumbly. No, come on. No, Grumbly, if you want something to do... Mate, you've made a show of me.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Eli. I'm sorry, Paul. I'm just trying to go legit. Go legit. Don't sell shit. Grumbly, if you want to go to the WC, the toilet at the back of the podcast,

I've totally clogged it with a huge chod. Do you want to eat that? Go and eat that. And me without my ladle. I'm off. Say no more. I'm off. Yeah.

I'm sorry about that, Eli. I thought he was a legitimate character. I thought Patrick the condiment badger was it. Turns out it was Uncle Grumbly. I'm sorry, mate. I could smell something was it. Yeah, he was. Turns out it was Uncle Grumbly. I'm sorry, mate. I could smell something was up. Anyway, apologies aside, Eli, it is now time to do this section of the show,

which is one of our dollop-esque sections, which we haven't done in a real while, have we? Do I have to respond to that? That's a terrible thing for me to have to respond to. It's a yes, no, fuck. It's just called banter. It's not banter. You're closing banter down.

You're giving me a yes, no, haven't we? Yes. No. It doesn't make a shit, fuck a load of difference what I fucking say. No, it doesn't. Fuck a lucka chucka ding dong,

I could say. I thought you might have said, oh, yes, Paul, and it's been such a long while, I'm looking forward to this one. I can't wait. Something like that. Why do I have to constantly fucking lick your arse all the time? Yes, Paul, it's been such a long while. I'm looking forward to this one. I can't wait. Something like that. Why do I have to constantly fucking lick your arse all the time?

Yes, Paul. It's been so long. Ooh, agree with Paul. Just read the story and I'll fucking do a stupid voice. Right. Pulling the flaps open on the mechanics of the Cheap Show pod. It's like that. It's like the mechanical object that I surmised would be the vice for the sheep's arsehole.

Yes, we're all aware. The same mechanical flap opener. Sheep-sized mechanical flap opener. I'm moving on. You can do what you want. I'm going to carry on with this segment. Sorry, you carry on, Paul. Sorry.

I'm sorry, mate. Yes. To answer your question, yes. Oh, fucking hell. Yes. To answer your question, yes, it has been a long time since we did a dollop-esque story yes it has paul please i'm looking forward to it i don't care about your opinion so who gives a fuck all right so people who watch the digitizer channel with uh mr biffo

may remember before christmas eli myself and his good uh lady wife sanya and biffo went on a ghost hunt and we tried to look for the ghost of a man called Daniel Dancer. Who is that guy? He is Daniel Dancer. See, for years, I thought the song was, I wonder why he's the greatest dancer. That's what I thought it was. It is.

But they also say, who is that guy? Yeah, I think they say both. So we went looking for a ghost of Daniel Dancer in the woods and a merry time was had by all i seem to remember it was a lot of fun anyway it's time for us to read a story about the man in question because i think all the facts were a bit lost in that episode of digi so i thought let's go through the life of daniel dancer and he was a famous miser that's all i really know yes biffo says he was one of the influencers of uh influencers on the character of scrooge but But as we've seen in the past with John Meggert,

there might have been a few people around that time who were all largely tight-fisted. Much like Citizen Kane, who they say was based on sort of one person, but he was a bit of an amalgamation of sort of... It was Hearst, but it was also a bit sort of Rockefeller and other people, wasn't it? Yeah, it was taking an attack of those kind of millionaires at the time, those kind of media moguls, wasn't it?

Yeah, in a similar way, Dickens maybe, you know, used more than one as the inspiration for Scrooge. And, you know, it was probably all the rage in the 1700s, just being a tight-fisted, crazy person. I know, it's so weird. That was like their big brother or whatever, wasn't it? Like, Mises. It was, it was weird. Mises. What would be good if you got all the classic Mises onto an actual reality TV show, like Mises on an Island,

and you give them one pee or something. I'm a misanthrope, get me out of here. Hollywood Mises of the 17th century. Mises' wives. Real Mises' wives. Real Miser's wives. Of Walthamstow. That's good. Keep it classy.

But he is from Walthamstow, Dancer, isn't he? No, he's from up Harroway. Yeah, Harroway. So let's get into it. Hold me closer, Daniel Dancer. Here we go. Born 1716, died 1794. So what's that?

That's a good 70-odd years of his life. Pretty good for that time period. But they're very miser's or good survivors, aren't they? Are they, though? Because you think with their shit diet. Yeah, but they go on. That's the whole point. They can sustain themselves on rotten lamb and half fishes that they find.

Like cockroaches. Yeah, that they find by... They're hardy and they must get a hard covering of filth under their clothes. A rind. A rind of filth as well, you know. And that probably is good protection. Kind of protective dusting of filth.

Protective rind. Daniel Dancer, his grandfather and father were both noted in their time as misers as well and are only less famous because their accumulation of wealth was less daniel was the eldest of four children and inherited the whole family estate 80 acres of rich meadowland and an adjoining farm and where is this do we know plumstead around northwest london area i think it's just north london it doesn't i got these notes off biffo so obviously

he's just gone for the juicy stuff and not really gone into the fine detail so we can blame him for the poor research and how dare he but when your father and your grandfather are misers why do they this is going to sound weird but why do they procreate you think one of the things they don't want to do is expend money on kids unless they just want to hand something off no they do often they do want to and then you know they have a favored child who they decide has to depending on their level of narcissism, they have to sometime accept that they will die. Do you know what I mean? But if they're a proper narcissist, then you don't even accept that you're going to die. You somehow think you're exempt from it because you're so special.

Like me. Well, and me. We're both, both of us. I'll let you not die. We are both, you know, not as much as you, but I am just as eternal as you are. I got special spunkies from God on my... Right, great. What a waste. You had a great moment to come up with something else there.

The sister of this singular character was as miserly as himself. So his sister and Daniel were very miserly and their habit and inclination were so harmonised that after the death of their parents parents they always lived together and strove during the whole of their lives to rival each other in their mode of scraping up and saving money wow this is this could be a movie him and his sister war of the misers or um miser wars you know how um incest is really big in the porn world at the moment no eli i don't I don't know that. And why do you? If you could combine that with miser incest porn.

How would you get across the miser part? Well, you could have them all in rotting clothing with fish sticking out their pockets and fannies, maybe. How about this? You're a miser, so you don't give them a money shot at the end. You save it like Sting. You do a tantric save. In your ball bag bank. You do a reverse wank on the shaft to push it back down into the sack. You save it like Sting. You do a tantric save. In your ball bag bank.

You do a reverse wank on the shaft to push it back down into the sack. Oh, God! That's a terrible idea. You push it back down. I do that all the time.

You'd have to put a bulldog clip at the end and just kind of force it down the tube like you're piping icing onto a cake. But you're right, you're not.

You're trying to stop it going on the cake, aren't you? Anti-icing. It's like one of those baker's icing things but in reverse. If you reverse the film. And so what happens?

Your body absorbs it back into the body and then you sweat out that mass. No, you keep that protein for yourself because you're a miser, don't you?

Selfish. How did we get to that point? Anyway, it doesn't matter. His sister was a miser as well. They were trying to outdo each other with how tight-fisted and scrimpy-savvy they could be. Yeah, it's like, I doesn't matter. His sister was a miser as well. They were trying to outdo each other

with how tight-fisted and scrimpy-savvy they could be. Yeah, it's like, I spent nothing today. Well, I spent nothing as well. Two sugars in my tea. Two sugars? Daniel? Oh, no sugars. Tea, Daniel?

All right, no fucking tea as well. All right, we won't fucking have any fun. Well, I will give you a blow-in. Go on. Here, Christ. Sorry. I thought give you a blow-in. Go on. Here, Christ. Sorry. I thought we might be able to dance around the idea of incest. No, I brought it up as soon as I

heard that they lived together after, you know, for their whole lives. Come on. It was a trope. It is a trope, isn't it? It's a gothic sort of horror trope. And a popular genre of porn now, apparently. Move on. So Daniel only took one meal a day, which consisted invariably of a little baked meat

and a whole boiled dumpling, a sufficient quantity of which would last him the week and was prepared every Saturday night. So every Saturday, he'd make just enough meat, boiled dumplings to get him through the week. How long do you have to boil a dumpling for it to go hard? It's a hard boiled dumpling. And a dumpling, I think those dumplings it's hard boiled dumpling and a dumpling

i think those dumplings are just like those those sort of balls of suet you know like you get in like old school soups they're not like a dumpling like a chinese dumpling which would have a you know a filling it's just a it's just a lump of lump of dough with suet in suet paul yeah you suet in those dumplings so yes i know you found the word suet enjoyable to say. Little mini tranche of suet there. You use so many weird words. Sometimes your sentences sound French. Or little mini tranche

of suet. It's like, ooh, professor. Go on. I'm liking this story, by the way. His clothing consisted mainly of hay bands, which were swathed around his feet for boots and around his body for a coat. But it was his habit to purchase one new shirt every year. Well.

So he effectively spent the whole year looking like a scarecrow. Paul, I mean, he's doing better than I have over the last year. I've bought less than one shirt. No, you could do with some hay. I could do with some shirt, is what I'm saying. Yeah, and a wash and a clean. No. Clean your room. Clean your room. I was doing it today. What does that entail? By the way, I'm doing these

space monkeys. What are they called? Why have you bought space monkeys? Sea monkeys. But they're in space. Oh yeah, sea monkeys. Why have you got sea monkeys? Wait, you bought those months ago. I know, I'm going to do them. Not do them, I'm going to make them. I'm going to breed them. You're going to have sex with sea monkeys? I'm going to breed them. You're going to have sex with sea monkeys? I'm going to breed them.

You're going to breed with them? No, I'm going to breed them. You have to start somewhere. So what? You're going to make little Eli monkeys that float around in the glass and go, I think it'll be an exciting project that I can give updates on how the monkeys are doing

to the listeners. That's all. Yeah, film it. Film little videos on your phone of you making sea monkeys and then splashing your flaccid cock end around in the briny mix my cock's not going near these monkeys man no officer they wouldn't you can't they're not bees bee monkeys ah that's good isn't it right daniel was his own tailor and if he was not particularly happy in the style and cut of his garments,

he at least displayed considerable ingenuity in the way of patching, repairing, and contriving clothing. Basically, he says his coat looked like Jason's coat of many colours. It was like a patchwork mess of all sorts of pieces cobbled together. He collected the fragments of texture

from the street, raked out from dust heaps or from bins. His lower garments were of the most unmentionable description and would have totally disordered the nerves of any Scotsman. What does that mean? They were all hanging with clodded clumps of faecus, all just sort of dripping off. And that is Willie probably sticking through.

And it's got a rind. Dangling down. And it's probably got a rind on it, like two inches thick, and it's all striated with like a gooey layer near his actual cock. But it gets harder and harder, but it's all different shades of yellow. Eli, we need to get you laid soon, because the frustration, certainly on your face,

when you're describing all that. I'm just describing what would happen to a guy's junk if he was a miser from the 1700s. You have got an obsession today with rhymes, and I don't like it. No, but how would you say, why is it unmentionable and would make a Scotsman blush? Are they suggesting that he almost had a kilt

made of hay and tatters? Maybe that's what they're suggesting. I think he was flashing bollock. Daniel Dancer dressed in tatters, right? But Scotsman liked mints and tatters. I think you could... Maybe that's what they're suggesting. I think he was flashing bollocks. Daniel Dancer dressed in tatters, right? But Scotsman liked mints and tatters. Tatties. Hey! Oh, good, very good.

Mints and tatties. Moving on. Yeah. Mrs. Dancer was also very scrupulous in her attire. Her neighbours observed that she had the appearance of a walking dunghill than one of the fair sex. Oh. You know, that Mrs. Dancer, she's a pretty lady but fuck me does

she dress like a pig no it's not fuck me oh meanwhile they're dressed in fucking potato sacks of fucking straw coming out of their teeth and go no they're not but look she they said like a walking dunghill imagine how i'm sorry i have to say it how rindy she must have been. She must have been hermetically sealed, like a big sort of globular hard-shelled glob of rind. She's a rhinestone cowgirl. Ding, ding, ding, ding. Here she comes riding. She's riding round the ranch with her crusty rind.

She's going to crusty rind and she's going to blind. She's weeping out her crusty round Yeah? You stopped? It was really bad Worse than normal So, she's dressing around The neighbours apparently got a problem Because she doesn't dress like a lady

And I'm going to argue They both smell like shit Yeah, they must smell In ways that we can't even fathom Coming from the modern era We can't even fathom coming from the coming from the the modern era we can't even know how bad because think about how bad like the background smell of everything was in those years do you know i mean there's shit in the street you know no one's deodorizing everything must smell pretty bad that's your baseline that's

your baseline you don't have hot and cold water. That's your baseline. Background smell is unspeakably bad. And then they have the temerity to stink even worse than the background smell so people notice it. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. That must be something else.

Something that we've never even experienced anything like. Oh, Daniel Dancer's just walked in. Oh, quick, someone get me a dog shit to sniff on, just so I don't have to smell him. Yeah, exactly. How about you smell my unwashed gusset? Just while Daniel Dancer's in the room. Yeah, please. Oh, breath of fresh air.

Mate, can you do us a favour? Daniel Dancer's sister just came in. Shit in my mouth, will you? Shit right in my mouth. Yeah, please. Is it going to be a runny one? Oh, even better. Yeah, go on. Straight in. Squared it right in.

Straight in. Oh, here we go. Daniel Dancer rarely washed his face and hands because, as he said, soap was expensive, towels would wear out, and cost money to cleanse when dirty. It is said, however, that to avoid the inconvenience arising from too great accumulation of filth,

he would once a week in the summertime go to a neighbour's pond and wash himself there with sand and then lie on the bank to dry his skin by basking in the sunshine. What a total weirdo. So he's washing like a hippo. Weirdo. So he de-rhymes. At least he de-rymes once a week. Once a week in the summer if the weather's nice.

Meanwhile, you've got Carol and Bob, and Carol's like, Bob! Yeah, love? Yeah, come here. Oh, what? Come here and just look. All right, what is it? Oh, he's in the fucking pond again.

Have you told him you can't do it? Oh, I am Daniel Dancer. Oh, I've scrubbed myself. I've told him. I've told him, but he just ignores me. Oh, we can't have him washing himself in the sand like that, darling. It looks bad. Who is that guy?

It's me. I am Daniel Dancer. I've scrubbed myself. Excuse me. What? Daniel. Danny, mate. Yeah, what?

I've told you before, you can't wash here. Oh, go on. No, you're frightening my kids. Oh, go on. Carol, should're frightening my kids. Oh. Go on. Carol, should we just one more time? Oh, yes. Who is that guy?

It is me, Daniel Dutton. I'm leaving you, Bob. You can't stand up for anyone and you can't stand up for me. You're a horrible husband and you're a gutless shit. I'm leaving you. Thanks, Daniel. Oh, my kids are gone as well. What? I've lost the farm

oh all because I let you wash in my pond that's right I am Daniel Dancer now Paul what did occur to me

is he said it says he used sand to scrape get all the scrapey action on his rind yeah what if there was some

frog spawn in there at the time then he could mix that with the sand and he's got like a L'Oreal exfoliating scrub. That's true. He could make it in. Yeah, no, like those micro pearls you get in those posh ones.

Yeah, frog spawn and sand. Yeah, I bet you can go to fucking Knightsbridge and get that for about £5,000. Bit of class war on the cheap show. So one morning, as Daniel Dancer was taking his usual walk upon the common to pick up bone sticks or any other bits of rags or matter that might go towards repairing his clothes, he found a sheep that had apparently died from a natural disease. And in a putrid state, he took it up and bore it home on his shoulders.

The sheep was immediately skinned and cut up. The fat was laid aside and with the meat, Miss Dancer made some pies. Oh, yeah. Special rotten sheep pie. Oh, can you imagine the smell of that? How'd you get two putrid sheep pies? I don't know why I thought singing the Saturday Street theme to that worked. Can you tell me how to get to putrid meat pies? Paul, imagine the smell of that, though, because you know lamb is very lamby.

The oily lamb is very mutton. I bet it was an old muttony, greased mutton grease. It was a sheep, wasn't it? So, yeah. Disgusting. Greasy. It was probably greasy. Disgusting.

Greasy and probably stunk a little bit of pipes. Yeah. The miser's only dealing with others arose from his sale of his hay. He was seldom seen except for when he was out gathering logs of wood from the common, any old iron, or sheep's dung from under the hedges. What do you mean, any old iron? Well, apparently any money he made was stuff he'd find about and flog on and he wouldn't deal with anyone. Apparently he had all these acres of land, but he refused to grow anything on it

because he didn't want to pay for the labour cost. You said any old iron, though, like in that song. That's what it says down here. That's obviously where the phrase comes from. Well, has he got any old iron on his acres? He's just got scrap lying around, apparently. Oh, to prevent theft, he fastened his door up and got into his house through the upper window.

To ascend which, he made use of door up and got into his house through the upper window to ascend, which he made use of a ladder and then drew it up afterwards. Great. Classic miser. But why? He fastened the door up and got into the house through the window. So what, he fastened... He didn't have to pay for a proper lock. But he'd have to lock it from the outside then, right? No, he didn't want to pay for a lock, so it's just permanently... Oh, it's permanently sealed off.

So rather than pay for a key and a lock, he just thought he'd get a ladder and... He'd just climb in. Put it up against his window. Weirdo. Imagine him creeping around. So, Mr Dancer concealed his treasure where he thought no one would ever see it. Bank notes were usually deposited with spiders, and he hid amongst the cobwebs in his cowhouse. The guineas in holes in the chimney and around the fireplace, covered in soot and ashes. And this is what Eggers did whatever his name is that miser we talked about a few years ago where he would put the money in holes under the floor but in the walls yeah it's a miser move isn't it

yeah hiding money around the put it in some shit dancer yeah of course you could except you know the mistake when you know you pop round and someone uses up one of their shits is like a vicks vapor rub so you don't have to sniff your odour and they find £100. That'd be good if you found £100 in your shit, wouldn't it? If there's a good question, if someone said to you there are five big dog

eggs in front of you, nice big thick beasts, but inside one is a cheque for a million pound and the only way you can find out is if you take a bite from the middle of each one to find the check. Would you do it? No, of course I would not.

Who's telling me this? I don't trust them. Chris Tarrant. And what's this? On his new show, Who Wants to Eat Dog Shit for a Million Quid. No, I haven't got enough of a story to get on that show. Daniel Dance engaged in the services

of a servant called Griffiths, whose manner of living was as penurious as his own. Penurious. P-E-N-U-R-I-O-U-S. Penurious. It's like penury is poverty, isn't it? Penury is... Oh, another tight-fisted guy.

The two lived together in the Tumbledown house until Daniel's death. Where's his sister? In the same house, I'd imagine. So we've got another guy in. Just in a different part of it. Got another guy in. What were they doing? I think they were lovers.

It was spit roast. Oh. Sister likes it when I'm in charge of the mouth. You can take the back end, Griffith. All right, we went there. Good. Oh, no. Not that.

No. Why do I find that funny? That's terrible. I don't know. So, the servant indulged in his taste for strong beer, a liquor which Daniel Dancer carefully avoided as it cost money. But Griffiths would tipple a little bit, which was the cause of much altercation.

So, basically, Griffiths was sitting around the house getting pissed all day, while Daniel Dancer would say, I'm not touching the stuff because it cost me money. Yeah, so it's funny because it's not like he has any objection to it on sort of moral grounds you know of being a drunk it's the fact that it it's a resource that's what he objects to not the it's not like the getting pissed it's just the it's a resource expenditure although apparently here it says griffith usually turned up on the door after a day away with like bags full of bones some of which he found on the field after a day away with, like, bags full of bones, some of which he found on the field, some of which had flesh on them, which he would bring to quieten his master's anger for getting pissed.

So he'd be like, I've been out. What have you got? I've been out, mate. I'm sorry for being a piss head. You've been drinking, wasting money again, Griffith. I've told you. You won't. Mate. I'm not going to let you double-tee my sister if you keep on like this.

Now, what have you got? I'll give you a bag of bones. All right. Look at this. What's in here? Look at that. Bag of bones. Look at that.

What's in there? There's a little bit of skull. There's a little bit of flesh on. What's that? There's a little bit of sinew there. There's a little bit of intestine. Do you see that intestine, sir? Yeah, have that.

Have that. I'll just have this. All right, here you go. Yeah, Have that. Have that. I'll just have this. Right, here you go. Yeah, have that. Eat it. Eat it while I get pissed and fuck your sister's punk hole. Oh, I think I've taken me the wrong again, Mr. Vissers. Right, is that the end of the story?

Nearly. He had a dog as well. Daniel had a dog called Bob. Who is that the end of the story? Nearly. He had a dog as well. Daniel had a dog called Bob. Who is that dog? He is Daniel Dancers. Dancers? He allowed his dog to have a pint of milk every day. What?

The dog's going to die. You shouldn't give milk to a dog. No, I know, but, you know, he spoiled his dog, apparently, within reason. However, a complaint was made about Bob the dog because it was worrying the neighbour's sheep. So Bob took the dog to his shed and filed all the dog's teeth down. You mean Daniel did?

Daniel took Bob to the shed to file his nails down? Yeah. Would have been easy just to give the dog a toffee and then it's not going to bother anyone's sheep, is it? It's just gone. Yeah, but then the toffee would go. The toffee would dissolve. Is it an everlasting toffee?

Just put another one in. Is it an everlasting toffee? It's an everlasting toffee. And eventually, the dog's jaw gets tied and it can't bite anything. You could put anything in a dog's mouth at that point. Poor dog. Just let the dog die. God.

So, in 1794, during the illness that terminated his life, Lady Tempest, who was a nearby acquaintance of the dancers, turned up. And apparently Daniel Dancer liked to sleep in a potato sack, which, as we all remember, Biffo recreated in our Ghost on Tempest. And I remember we were looking for the spirit of Lady Tempest as well. Well, any of them, Bob, Daniel, Griffith. Or Lady Tempest, yeah. He was ill in 1974. them bob daniel griffith or lady tempest yeah he was ill in 1974 lady tempest came around and found him lying in an old sack which came up to his chin with his head wrapped up in pieces of the same

mysterials and like his rags but it looked like a giant beehive on his head basically she said to him what are you doing get off the ground you fucking idiot and he said that being a poor man he couldn't afford a better place to sleep and having coming into the world without a shirt he was determined to go out in the same manner so lady tempest then requested to have a pillow brought in to raise his head which he refused but ordered griffith to bring him some trash out the bin to use as a pillow instead and then he died he was extremely devoted in an almost religious way to being a miser it goes past just wanting to save money doesn't it into a sort of almost religious zealotry a sort of worshipping thriftiness but

it's got to be some kind of social mental thing because like it's been imposed upon them by their father yeah which was imposed upon him by the grandfather there's a whole kind of indoctrination to that lifestyle of having all this money but living in poverty and what is going on there is it like the fear of having no money it is and i think that's that's incalculated into people uh in early life you get misers in that time period because life was a lot harder for people and resources were scarce yeah but he's he it looks like there his distaste of of waste even it goes he he projects it to other people as well doesn't he it's like have one of my pillows no no i don't want you to waste the money on the pillow like do you know what i mean yeah so he wasn't he wasn't

like a narcissist like he wasn't it wasn't just about you know he wasn't a scrooge mcduck like he just wanted it all for himself he seemed seemed to object to anyone consuming anything, ever. There's a sense of, yeah, when someone offers you a pillow for your deathbed sack in the woods and you turn that down, that's a matter of some kind of weird pride. Yes, that's what I mean. It's that detail that makes you think he was just crazy. No, but yeah, unhinged in a way that doesn't benefit anyone around

who lives anywhere near him. It doesn't say, though, if the sister died first or if Griffith died first or whatever. But I do wonder if when he popped off, Griffith just looked at the sister and went, I'm taking both holes tonight. And she's like... No, then she goes, no, I'm taking both holes tonight.

And he's like... Well, Daniel Dancer, wherever you are, I hope you're resting in a sack well. Maybe they're all up in heaven now. Lady Tempest, Bob the Dog, Griffith, Daniel Dancer and his sister. Maybe they're all up in heaven having a lovely time or they're all haunting the woods for stupid dickheads like me, you, Biffo and Sanya to go and shout.

Someone fired a gun. It was tree spirits what we were experiencing up there. Tell you that now so if you want to see our ghost hunt uh of us mucking about in the woods looking for daniel dancer's ghost you can check it on the digitizer channel on youtube it's very funny and i'm the best one in it yes i am that you didn't even want to do it because you were having a little wobble it was was having a really dark day that day i had a burger on the way to the shoot and the guy put instead of any other salad he just put discs of cucumber

in a cheeseburger. A whole wedge of them. Can you imagine? It was a nasty, really cucumber-y cheeseburger. On the bright side, mate, you didn't order a doner kebab from the place. Yeah, that would be bad. And that's it.

That's all we have time for this week on the Cheap Show podcast. Join us next week for more fun and games. Eli, it's time for me to do the admin. Okay, go on. Get your broom out. Do a bit of admin. Housekeeping. So here's the admin time.

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Okay. Yeah. I've rubbed my beard. Any final thoughts? Anything you want to say? Scraffle afficus. Scraffle mcluxulous. So no then.

Great, great. Take care everyone. Bye. Bye everyone. Bye. Bye everyone.