CheapShow - Ep 221: Game Off!

Episode Date: March 13, 2021

Paul forces Eli to take a trip to Gannonland this week. Against his wishes, Eli is made to play two games that, when the dust settles, may have cost them their sanity. Do Paul and Eli "Know Jack?" and will a simple card game called "Game Off!" force them to make some very troubling decisions? There is a very good chance that it will bring out the very worse in both of them. Which is saying a lot. It's not all games though! We also make a much needed return to the world of "Bobby's" snacks as the cheap chaps try their new Pickled Onion Spirals. Will these crisps continue "Bobby's" strong showing on the show? You'll have to find out the hard way. By listening to it all... With that in mind, what are Bill Doughnut and Richard Brandoff up to? They're up to something troubling and it's going to cause a lot of potentially disastrous problems next week. Keep listening to the very end to see what they've gotten themselves, and the show, into. It's not going to end well… Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-221-game-off And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Oh, and you can NOW listen to Urinevision 2020 on Bandcamp... For Free! Enjoy! https://cheapshowpodcast.bandcamp.com/album/urinevision-2020-the-album If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Also, you can NOW see Eli star in "Ashens & The Polybius Heist", download it from here: https://www.watchpolybiusheist.com MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop https://www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Paul is writing a book! Want to help make it happen? https://unbound.com/books/ghosts/ Send Us Stuff CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

I've got a joke. Oh, yeah? Go on. I've got a joke. I heard it on the telly. So I was watching these documentaries about, what's his name, Walter Matthau, and he was on a chat show, and he told this joke, and it made me so happy I thought I'd tell you the joke

and start the show on a nice upbeat, woo-hoo, a nice gag way. Okay, Paul. Do you want to hear it? Yeah. This is good. I'll try and tell it as best I can because you know I can't tell jokes. I'm really, this would be great. Here we go.

Here's the joke. So there are three old men, right, in an old folks an old folks home right and they're all talking about their bowel movements because they're really old and the first old man he goes oh god what i wouldn't give for a piss you know like a proper piss what i wouldn't give for a a really healthy without pressure without pain without forcing it just and not without drips, just a nice... Not without drips. I don't want drips. He doesn't want drips. He doesn't want drips. With drips, then. Lots of drips. Not without...

Without drips. Yeah. I want a good piss. Second old man, he goes, oh, what I wouldn't give for a proper shit. Yeah. Oh, God, just, you know, a nice big shit. Oh, God, what I wouldn't give to force out and not a proper proper you wouldn't want to force it you know nice and i just want a nice tension between

forcing and i just want an easy soft give and take you want a nice yeah with a good just a nice poo god i'd give anything for that then the third old man he goes oh 7 30 every morning right I have the best piss. Oh, it's great. It comes out. It's flowing. It's warm. It's easy.

It just falls out of me. Oh, it's so satisfying. It empties me out. Beautiful. And then it's 7.35. Oh, my God. The best poo. It's soft.

It's easy. It's just nice poo. I've already seen problems with this. That's a bit, that's like a... You just, nice piss. And have a nice poo. 7.35 seen problems with this. That's a bit, that's like a... He's just a nice piss. Didn't have a nice poo. 7.35. God, what a great poo I have.

And the two old men go, what are you complaining about? And the old man says, I don't wake up till nine. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of cheap show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept.

Cheap show. Off-brand, brand-off, off-brand, brand-off. Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap. It's the Price of Shite Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheat Show And I go and I nuzzle Why do you think that's so funny? I love that joke He shits himself

And pisses the bed I'm so happy I don't know why Where did you hear that? That's not a television What was it on TV AM? On TV Walter Matthau was going I want a number one I'd not a television. What was it on TV AM? On TV, Walter Matthau was going,

I want a number one. I'd love a number two. Okay, what was this? It was just a chat show Walter Matthau on. He's dead. He's been dead a long time. An old one from the past. Where were they broadcasting?

It's not magic. It's called YouTube. Oh, you were on YouTube. You said you were watching telly. I was watching a documentary, and he was on the telly. Yeah. In the documentary on a chat show.

He was, yeah. Yeah. Fine. And then he tells that wicked ace joke. I thought I told not too well. No, it wasn't. He really. But I like it.

It makes me happy. You lost the rhythm. It's when I get to that. You lost the rhythm on the last bit. Have you turned the heating down? Yes, I have. Welcome to the Jeep Show. I'm sweating here.

It's because you're unhealthy. I don't feel like talking. Great. What a great episode it's going to be for me. Ladies I have. Welcome to Cheap Show. I'm sweating here. It's because you're unhealthy. I don't feel like talking. Great. What a great episode of Cheap Show it's going to be for me. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Cheap Show. I tried to fight a cough. Yeah. And then it just had a weird effect.

We all heard. Paul, are you all right? You're all right, yeah? So anyway, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast, where we go for the bargain bins, charity shops, and power lands of Great Britain to bring you the treasure that we find amongst the trash. I'm Paul gannon i'm eli silverman hello welcome to cheap show everybody and we've got a lovely show for you today we're going basically to gannon land today a new subsidiary of gannon's golden games which it's not we'll soon be taking

over the format of cheap show and becoming fundamentally a game-based podcast. I'm announcing this now. Cheap Show will be going through metamorphosis and changing into Ganonland. What do I do in this? You have to find a new podcast. I fucking will. Go on then. Noodles. There. That's it. That's what it's called. Noodles with Eli. Yeah. And sauce.

Alright, no. Two things. Hang on, wait there. So it's a noodles podcast with Eli and sauce so you've got a character called Sauce. Yes. Hello. Right. Hello, he'd say like that. Hello, I'm Squeezy Sauce.

I'm Squeezy Sauce. Yeah. Oh, what's in me? What's in me bottle hole today? I don't know. What's in your bottle hole, Eli? Tabasco. Oh.

Not Eli, I'm Saucy Sauce. You don't remember what you said 30 seconds ago. Squeezy Sauce. Squeezy Sauce. Yeah. Do you need something? Having a piece of cheese on toast? Yeah.

Need some sauce? Squeezy sauce. I'll squeeze it. Squeeze me belly. Mate, I don't have much faith in this podcast format. Squeeze my belly. No, it's good. I'll squeeze it.

Eli, don't squeeze me. Fuck you. Well, I meant to get the sauce out if I don't squeeze it. Listen, I'm not even real yet. I'm not doing it yet I'm not doing I'm not in this podcast yet so you can show I'm going to waddle off

there he goes see listen and there's more where that came from Paul is there yeah all sorts of listen

I'll have two podcasts yeah sauce podcast yeah with squidgy yeah squelchy what was he called

I don't know you can work on that and more serious podcasts Podcasts. Yeah. Sauce podcast. Yeah. With Squidgey. Yeah. Squelchy. What was he called? I don't know. You can work on that. And more serious podcast from Mr. Silverman. Yeah. Noodle Talk. Noodle Talk. We've discussed this before.

With Nigel Noodle. Yeah. The far right noodle. There's no Nigel Noodle. Noodles can't be right wing. Fine. I stand corrected. They're the food of the everyman, aren't they?

Are they? But isn't Nigel Noodle the noodle for the everyman? He's not a noodle. He's quit politics anyway. What, Nigel Noodle? Yeah. Oh, good. So he's just doing a noodle-based podcast with you. I do have some noodles. This is like getting Barry Mumford and Sons in here. Fucking, who didn't know

they were fascists, though, from the first record they put out? That's all I have to say about Mumford and Sons. The minute I saw a squeeze box, I thought, fascists. Waistcoat record they put out that's all I have to say about Mumford & Sons the minute I saw a squeeze box I thought fascists waistcoat beard squeeze box combo spells fascism no it does though

because they're all into the folk the common folk aren't they fascists this noodle talk shop show sounds really fucking edgy mate

I don't know if you can handle it I'm going to do it like Joe Rogan style noodle talk so it'll be three hours with some cunt so it'll be three hours of me going I don't know if you can handle it I'm going to do it like Joe Rogan style noodle talk so it'll be three hours with some cunt so it'll be three hours

of me going I don't understand yeah three hours of unfat check talk where they just spout off whatever they're feeling in that moment

with me just going don't understand like that every five minutes or so so what you're saying is like that yeah I think you do it

just as well on this podcast I don't do that I control this podcast and we won't have we've already got a perfectly serviceable segment known as... We do. I'm only japing about sending this into Gannonland, the podcast. I felt like I had to do some work there for a second. Wow.

I'd hate you to ever fucking have to think that. Fuck you. What are these? You talk about them. Bobbies. We've covered them before, Paul. A while ago. They were a British manufacturer of snacks.

And you know what? High quality. Because I had a packet of their salt and vinegar spirals last night to nibble on. Oh, you did? And I was just thinking, what a lovely snack for 39p. Simple. It's not too tart, the salt and vinegar. It's quite sweet almost.

It's nice. Do you remember those spirals from back in the day when we were children? No. Don't you remember? You'd have them back in the day when we were children? No. Don't you remember? You'd have them at birthday parties and things next to the trifle.

There'd be those spirals. Just salt flavoured ones. For me, they were big packets of puffed corn crisps that were in the shape of like

wagon wheels and there's a squirrel on the front. I know those ones. I know those ones. And I used to bite them so they looked like TIE Fighters.

You took the top off each part of the wagon wheel and it looked like a little TIE Fighter. Just imagine you running around with some sloppy, half-chewed fucking wagon wheel crisp, rubbing it on the sofa, and then it all dries,

all bits of masticated crisp and saliva, and then someone comes along with a little squeegee, squeegees it off, and then you smoke that. Did not work. Oh, fuck off, didn't work. then you smoke that. Did not work. Oh, fuck off, didn't work. Fuck you. Well, cut it then.

Cut all of this. Cut me. Right. That's a dramatic pose. You had your arms outstretched. Christ-like. I feel for this. Now, Bobbies, we've done that.

The big hit for us with Bobbies was they do things such as... It was the curry... Chip shop curry flavoured puffs, I think they were. Lattices. Lattices. Oh, God, they were melt-in-your-mouth gorgeous. Those were excellent. So they sort of take things that are very traditional and sort of cheap.

Yeah, simple but fun. And they've done it again. Yeah. Now, you saw a product which we've both been on the hunt for, which we haven't managed to locate. What was it? Pretzel bite type stuff. Pretzel bites. Because they're usually expensive. They're trying to both been on the hunt for Which we haven't managed to locate What was it? Pretzel bite Pretzel bites

They're trying to muscle in On the Schneiders market Because those Schneiders Are going mainstream now Haven't they? Yeah And they're expensive still It's like north of a quid

For a pack And do you know what pisses me off About the Schneiders pretzel pieces? Here we go No one fucking stocks The best flavour Which is? Buffalo wing

Oh I've never seen them Those hot buffalo wings They're vinegary They're hot They're vinegary. They're hot. They're crunchy. Ooh.

And they're all red. So they have that sort of what's-its effect. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, like the redness is like the flavour, and the flavour is the redness, and it gets in there. And they're a bit like tackies. You know, tackies have got that extreme sour that makes you want to eat more. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Not quite as extreme as tackies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mate, those zombie tackies that were sent to the show, I did a few sessions on those. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Not quite as extreme as tackies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Mate, those zombie tackies that were sent to the show, I did a few sessions on those. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck, shut up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, the upshot being...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Anyway, long story short... Yeah, I'm doing the upshot! Fuck you! Right. All right, sorry.

We can't find the pretzel pieces. We're looking for them. As soon as we get them, we'll do them. If anyone knows sort of who's stocking them... Maybe send them to our PO box. Yes, please. Email at the find the pretzel pieces. We're looking for them. As soon as we get them, we'll do them. If anyone knows who's stocking them, we'd like the lowdown. Maybe send them to our PO box. Yes, please. Email at the end of the show.

Not email, a post address at the end of the show. And email, I'll do them all. All right, we will cover all our emails and postal addresses at the end of the show. We have before us on this table... God, we take forever to get to things, don't we, on this fucking show? Bobbies, I've tried these, you haven't yet.

We're going to have a little miniature cheap eats where you taste some bobbies. Nice. Well, these are pickled onion spirals. Now, we both know that they do salt and vinegar spirals. Yeah, nice. And I remember spiral-shaped crisp things. They look like fusilli pasta, but they're crisps.

They're spirals, Eli. Imagine you went to a party and someone gave you a bunch of fusilli pasta with some salt on it. And you're like, thanks, Mrs. Meggins. My lits are bleeding. Thank you, Mrs. Meggins. Nice party. I need to go.

I need to go to the toilet. I need to go to the toilet. Is this someone pitching the worst episode of Tales from the Unexpected? I need to go to the toilet. What you someone pitching the worst episode of Tales from the Unexpected? I need to go to the toilet. What you do now, Orl. No, you see, yeah. No, that's not an example of good acting. That was convincing, wasn't it?

Yeah, you thought maybe Eli needs to go to the toilet. That's because you often do when we record. Halfway through, you go, I need a shit. Shut up. Then we take a 15-minute break while you stink the house out. Bobby, fuck off. Don't try and shit shame me. Everyone's shit smells bad, Paul.

Yeah. Yours is worse than most. No, it isn't. It doesn't. That's purely subjective. It smells like tramp dark matter. I don't know how to explain it. Fuck off.

Yours smells like... You've never smelt mine because I've never been so rude. As to what? I've never viciously dropped my guts in your vicinity. I'm sorry, I have to air our dirty laundry on air. Now eat your pickled crisps. No one wants to hear this. Right.

Eat your pickled crisps. You're eating these. You are tasting these. I've tasted them. Oh, okay. These are pickled onion spirals. Nice. Pickled onion is a big thing in crisp flavours in this fair isle in the UK.

Weirdly, I've never really taken to it, but I understand its appeal. Monster Munch pickled onion being the big, bad pickled onion. Comedian's favourite snack. Weirdly, I've never really taken to it, but I understand its appeal. Monster Munch pickled onion being the big, bad pickled onion. Comedian's favourite snack. It is, yes. And it is sort of the most nostalgic of all those retro flavours. I guess. I say that by way of sort of saying I think what Bobby's are doing with these

pickled onion spirals is trying to get into that nostalgic, retro flavour. Okay. And they're good, baby. So are you going to do the hoof, or should I do the hoof? You do the hoof, you do it all. I'm going to see what I've learnt from you. I'm going to make a micro hole at the side,

I'm going to puff it in, see how we go. Constantino, the hoof air right into the nose hole. Right, so I'm going to... It's not easy, should I get some scissors? No, no, no, I know what I'm doing with this one. I'm going to take a tiny bite with my rabbit-styling scissors. Okay, fine.

There's a tiny hole. There's a tiny hole, there's a tiny hole, there's a tiny hole in the tiny bag, in the tiny bag, and I'm gonna have a hoof, and I'm gonna have a hoof. Did you used to sing that in Liverpool or something? No, I don't know. Is that walking down the street arm in arm? Here we go.

The hoof is happening. Oh! Oh, it's a sweet pickly smell. It is, isn't it? It smells like those little pickled onions you get in a big jar of vinegar in the pub. So it's quite accurate, you're saying, in terms of the huff.

It does. It's very reminiscent of that smell you'd get when you go to an old... Old man's pub. Well, yeah. With the eggs on the thing. My nan would have her 70th birthday party in the British Royal Legion Centre.

I love those places. The whole pickled onion and a cheese on a stick thing it's like it's that well that's where spirals

that's where spirals live isn't it in my memory in parties yeah right traditional snacks really what's your huff it's a satisfying

pickled onion huff you know what I'm getting a sort of background of sort of salad cream weirdly you might want to wash that then

no no there is a salad creamy sort of vinaigrette yeah vinaigrette that there is a salad creamy sort of vinaigrette yeah vinaigrette that's it vinaigrette vinaigrette right he's the italian guy like oh no oh yeah avoid all characters at all costs seriously right i'm gonna have a bite see they're nice i'm not again i'm not a huge fan of pickled onion but that's a good example of it and it's a solid crunch really crunchy you can taste a sort of onion pickled onion, but that's a good example of it. And it's a solid crunch. Really crunchy. You can taste a sort of onion and then the vinegar.

There's good amplitude is what I'm saying. Very good amplitude. I'm actually very impressed with Bobby's Crisp Snacks. They're very good. There's flavour people at Bobby's are very good. They make a lot go a long way as well, obviously, because they're so cheap. Bobby's boffins doing their job.

Really good. They make your mouth water considerably as well. That's what I mean. Well, that's the sort of tacky thing. It's thing that sort of it's moorish but it's not moorish because it's salty it's moorish because of the sour yeah did you know humans and pigs are the only two mammals who can have receptors for sour on their tongue no i did not know that why do you think a pig needs it don't know but they reckon humans need it because it can it will let you know if something is off but still edible it's that that's the sort of flavor we can eat yogurt which why we discovered

all of these fermented things that we can eat pickles oh yeah yogurts um cheese all of these things are fermented and there's fermented meats as well true like sauerkraut as well that's not meat but it's fermented i know it's just like the first sour thing I thought of. Can you think of a fermented meat product? Teresa is the one, is the main one. Is it? It's slightly fermented, yeah. And so it's a way of keeping food, isn't it?

If you can pickle something, you can keep it for the summer and stuff. I guess so. So it's advantageous to be able to pick up those flavours, something that is fermented. Hang on, sorry. What's going on over there?

What are those two doing? What? Brandoff and... Give me a second. What are you two doing? Oh, hi. Hi, Paul. Hello, boys. Just helping Bill.

I told you, I know Bill. Back in the day. I'm helping him. What are you helping him do? Just move this, I don't know, what is it? It's my old box. I'm helping him. What are you helping him do? I'll just move this, I don't know, what is it? It's my old box. I'm moving my old box in. Oh, just moving his box.

Yes, Ruff Ruff. How are you two? Alright? I'm fine. Eli? Yeah, I'm good, thanks. Thank you, yeah. It's just that we've noticed you've been bringing stuff in and out of the podcast for a while, well, a couple of days now. No, I haven't, I just got here. No, no, I've just been...

I haven't, you know, it's just me and Bill. Listen, look, I don't want to pull rank here, Paul, Eli, Ruff Ruff, but, you know, the contract still has my name on it. Yeah, no, I know that, but it's not... So I'm sort of allowed, I'm sort of Ruff Ruff, kind of allowed around here. For two more weeks.

I'm allowed, yes. For two more weeks and then your name's off the list when we get our pod. So there's not a fucking problem? Is there a fucking problem? Problem! No, there's no... Right, good.

No problem, good. Right, Bill? I've just got one more question, Bill. Yes? Bill, I walk past your room that you share with Larry and two things stand out. Where is Larry?

That's what I'm going to ask him. One, where is Larry? And two, there are all these sounds coming out like blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub. What's going on? One, where is Larry? And two, all these sounds come out like... What's going on? Well, Larry's been sleepy bobos a lot.

He's a sleepy boy. He's sleepy, is he? He's a sleepy boy. I can't wake him. I don't know what he's doing. Well, look, are you leaving now, Bill? Because we wanted you to do a song at the end. What's all the sounds? What's all the, I don't know, chemistry set sounds

There's some funny smells coming down the hallway as well Isn't there Paul? You's just I really don't have Come on, come on Bill Time to go I'm sorry guys, this is enlightening this conversation I'm busy, I'm a busy man

I'm trying to build my empire back up So Bill I'm busy. I'm a busy man. I'm trying to build my empire back up. Ruff, ruff, ruff. So, Bill, I'm happy to help you, mate, but I need to, you know... Come on, let's sing a little song. I've got one.

I've got a box of secrets with photos you can't see. And if the police ever catch them, they'll happily arrest me. A million box of naughty photographs. Get the door, Ruff, Ruff. Come on, Bill.

My naughty box of naughty photographs My naughty box of photographs are going to the shops Bum bum bum bum There they go. What's all that about?

The last time I saw Larry he was just wandering. I've only saw has Brando been He's been coming in and out. They've been going

to the back bringing little boxes in little suitcases coming in and out. Larry I saw the other day the last time I saw

him about a week ago weaving down the corridor like he couldn't stand up straight. You know, like the ship was rocking kind of feeling. That's not like him, is it? It's not. I kind of feel that we should probably ask them what's going on. Because when they come back, Brando, he seems to be up to something there.

Yeah, I'm not happy with this. He's probably got Bill Donut wrapped up in something, and I'm not happy. Well, they go way back, apparently. Yeah, but so what? Brando's not in showbiz. I don't understand. I'm not happy. Well, they go way back, apparently. Yeah, but so what? Brando's not in showbiz. I don't understand. I'm not interested. Can we just move on with the podcast, then?

Can you just tell me? I need a score for these spirals, please. I like crisps out of 10. Good. I also like crisps out of 10. I give it crisps out of 10. I give it 10 out of crisps. Right. Right.

Right. Hello. Hi. Let's carry on with the podcast, shall we? Yes, so Paul. Yes. Is this,

we're going to play a game now. We are. So it's not Ganonland. No, we are. So it means it is that other thing. But follow me on my YouTube channel, Ganonland, for me talking about toys and games.

All right, enough of that. This is Ganon Golden Games. Ganon's Golden Games. It is. Ganon's Golden Games. Gan of that. This is Ganon's Golden Games. Ganon's Golden Games. Ganon's Golden Games. Ganon's Golden Games. Ganon's Golden Games. Ganon's Golden Games. Ganon's Golden Games.

Ganon's Golden Games. Ganon's Golden Games. Ganon's Golden Games. Ganon's Golden Games. Oh, please stop it. Please stop it. Before I put Ganon's Golden Games

down your throat. Right up my ass. Go, Ganon's Golden Games. I will fire two dice down your throat, shake you, Yes! Go Gannons Golden Games! And now the song. I will fire two dice down your throat, shake you, fire them at your arse and shout Yahtzee. That was a preliminary warm-up of the Gannons Golden Games thing. No, it's not. And now for the song.

That was the final one. Gannons Golden Games, Gannons Golden Games, here I am. There you are, the Gannons Golden Games. Hello, Paul. Welcome to Gannons Golden Games. Kill me with a gun. are. The Ganon's Golden Games. Hello, Paul. Welcome to Ganon's Golden Games. Kill me with a gun. Now, what are we going to do? We're going to play a game. Yes. And it looks like it's a lot of fun. I've been talking about on

Ganonland about how some Tiger electronic games aren't shit. Because you know the consensus is they're handheld LCD games are shit. The Sonic the Hedgehog being the... Did they have a Mr. T one as well? Yeah, they had MC Hammer. No, just name a thing from the 80s or 90s, and I'll tell you if it was a Tiger Electronics game.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Yes. Max Hedrum? No. Ah, Blade Runner. Probably not. Well, that's one out of three. Keep on going, see what you get.

ALF. Yes. Really? Yeah. Do you know that for a fact? It might not have been Tiger Electronics, but there was definitely an ALF LCD game. Oh, well, then if not have been Tiger Electronics, but there was definitely an Alf LCD game. Oh, well, then if it's not Tiger Electronics,

you're not doing very well at this. No, I'm not. Let's just stop. All right. So a lot of things. I'm prepared to accept a lot of things from the 80s. Bubble Dragon, you know, there's lots of Sega licenses. There was like shoot-em-up games.

We had that on Digitizer. There's a little Tiger Electronics thing that you folded, had a little light gun, and you used to fire at the screen. But am I right in thinking most of this stuff, especially the stuff which was Sega, the LCD games were, as soon as the Game Boy

came out, they stopped making them, didn't they? No. Well, that was the thing. The reason why they were successful is because people might not have been able to afford a Game Boy and the £20 to £30 carts. So for £19.99, you can bring home Double Dragon in your pocket if you're willing to play a very shitty version of Double Dragon.

Yeah, like a watch game version of Double Dragon. But we're judging it by today's standards. Back in the day, it was like the argument of saying we loved rainbow book and tapes because the videos took years to come out and some Disney films didn't at all. So the only time you could experience a Disney film

is through the book and tape. Well, that's the point I was trying to make. It's like, at the time they were being manufactured they were profitable because very profitable there wasn't a lot of handheld gaming they could happen and also they had all the ips that was the important thing so if you were releasing an lcd game called ghost hunter and it was a shitty game it could be the exact same shitty game on a tiger but it's been rebranded as real ghostbusters you know what i mean it's that kind of they have a real ghostbusters but did they have like a normal ghostbusters one

there was a few lcd ghostbusters games one i think was i think was systema and that was shit oh systema yeah they make um tupperware boxes now do they yeah i don't know they're good tupperware all right i'll take your word for it systema spelt like system yeah yeah they got catches and like rubber linings. How shit were your fucking LCD games if you're now famous for making airtight packages? Top End Tupperware. Yeah, I like it.

Different colours. I'm not that Tupperware's a brand name, so they can't call it that. Well, it's not Tupperware, it's, you know. It's Systemware, which sounds more like a PC company. Oh, it's like, you know. We are Systemware. We make the games of the future.

Sandwich tech. What about... Shut up. So... Pickle holders. I've mentioned many times... Shut up. We've mentioned many times before, like the Who Wants to Be a Millionaire LCD tabletop.

That's quite fun. The weakest link one I've got. Funner than the actual game. And this one, what we're playing with today, based on the PC game You Don't Know Jack, which later became Jackbox. I just don't have any recollection of it at the time. No, I don't. Do you know when we did that Barshens episode and we played a Jackbox game together for the first time? And it was that murder party game.

With the little horror dolls with slashed eyes. First experience I ever... That game had a similar aesthetic to Binding of Isaac, didn't it? In in a way just that little horror what it was little horror cuties yeah horror cutie sort of ugly doll yeah yeah it's all that and that was a sort of 90s aesthetic was late 90s well that no that game came out in the late 2010s the point is is that that's a spin-off of the original thing called you don't know jack which was a PC trivia game that was, you know, wacky trivia. But that didn't have any little doll characters in it. No, it was literally just the trivia game.

There was a Flash game of it that you could play in the UK that had Paul Cade as the voice in the UK. But it was the same kind of irreverent, wacky, madcap trivia. Reasonably simple questions, but dressed up in a lot of silly ideas. Yes. Became a PC game, was hugely successful. By, I think, 2008, they'd sold over $100 million worth of merch,

you know, of games. Jackbox Games started doing compendiums, and then that's what everyone plays on YouTube and stuff now, and that we did on Barschens, and we did on Twitch as well. Okay, but those are DVD games, are they? No, they're, like, I've got one on the Switch. You can get on Twitch as well. But those are DVD games are they? No they're like I've got

one on the Switch. You can get it for the PC console. There was a DS version would you believe of You Don't Know Jack. And as we both found out to our surprise a

TV show because the game came out in 95 and I only heard about it in like what 2014 or something. But it's sort of could it be seen as a sort of forerunner to things like Deal Nor No Deal

or Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? It's tricky. I don't think it is. It's too aware of itself. See, the thing is about Who Wants To Be A Millionaire is they were the late 90s super quiz shows that rebranded game shows as a kind of high-tension thing. Yes.

You know, it was all about the tension. And this wasn't like that. No, this was straight into it. And it started as a PC game high tension thing. Yes. You know, it was all about the tension. This wasn't like that. No, this was straight into. And it started as a PC game, so it wasn't. It made the jump to TV only briefly and then sort of came back. It was more like an anecdote. Sorry,

what's the word I'm looking for? An antidote. Antiscient. Opposite of those like who want to be a millionaire. Antiseptic? Waiting out, yeah, antiperspirant. Antipathony. Antipodean. That's down under.

Saucy. Is it? I don't know. Oh, yeah, down under. It doesn't mean down under. It just means opposite of where you are on the Earth. Down under here, Paul. That's apparently what it means, isn't it?

Antipodean. To be on the opposite side of the Earth from where you are. Yes, it does mean the opposite. It doesn't necessarily mean Australia. Antithesis is what you're saying. Thank you. What a waste of one minute necessarily mean Australia antithesis is what you're saying thank you what a waste of one minute

to get to antithesis so there was a TV show and it ran for a couple of episodes and it starred Paul Reuben who was Pee Wee Herman

as the host and it's a very faithful TV version Pee Wee Herman this is pre-Wanking in the I can't remember when he got called Wanking

it might have been just before or just after this has he done anything since then? Yeah. Like he did two Pee Wee Herman

movies and he's been doing a live successful Broadway show. No one minded that he wanked in the TV theatre. He was kind of

set up. Apparently he was just there. Oh, it was a dirty movie theatre and he was there. It wasn't actually I don't know.

There was no footage of him going No, there was no footage of him saying, and pulling at his penis like he's trying to pull a carrot out the ground. Anyway, game successful. By 1998, Tiger Electronic goes, I can turn this PC game into a tabletop.

And that's what we've got here. The tabletop version of You Don't Know Jack. It's funny though because they always sort of seem to be exploring the sort of in-between something that's on a PC or a console

and then something that's a board game and you know what I mean? It's almost like they take a not complicated but a high concept format and they go, how can this work at home?

Yeah. So when you think about what they did to make Weakest Link and Who Wants to Be a Millionaire work, it's really, really simple. But it's effective. It's cards and codes and buttons. Can I ask another question?

Yeah. Did they make that Excellent Price is Right one? No, that was a Canadian toy company that made that. I mean, that's beautiful. I was slightly disappointed that the cards didn't get read in the machines i thought that slot was like some kind of barcode thing or some kind of whatever but apart from that was a disappointment but other than that it's that's a great that's the best way you can play price of is right at home we're still looking for some plinkinto tiles

plinketto tiles someone did offer to 3d print some but i forgot who it was and then i forgot how to measure and what to measure. It's basically about the size of a 5P, isn't it? No, they're smaller. Smaller. Oh, no, normal 5Ps. I can't keep thinking of 5Ps as being the size of 10Ps. Yeah, no, that was the old days.

I am sweating. Now they're teeny tiny. I'm sweating my ass off. So Eli and I are going to play You Don't Know Jack. Now, this doesn't have a volume setting, so it's kind of loud apart from when you want it on mic when it's therefore not loud. So we're going to play You Don't Know Jack. Now, this doesn't have a volume setting, so it's kind of loud, apart from when you want it on mic, when it's therefore not loud. So we're going to play it, but it has...

Ah, interesting fact before we get going. So this is a tabletop version, similar to the tabletop Weakest Link, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Big blue thing, screen for questions, card slots. Is the design similar? Is this actually a template

that they use for all three of the games? All three what of the games? Well, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? No, they're all very different. You've seen them. The shapes are different. They're very different. Okay.

What's wrong with you? Why don't you remember fucking things? I don't know. Who wants to be a millionaire? It's that great big blue circle plastic thing. They're all like plastic things. With the card you slap down the middle. Slap a card down somewhere.

So this is the same. You've got a card you put on a slot. There's a code. You type it in. The machine knows that the question's being asked. Once you've read the question out, you press the reveal push button, which reveals the answers. I like the action on that.

And then you have about 20 seconds or so to answer. Let's have that. It's a good action. Do you want to press it? You press it. It's nice. Oh, it's a nice spring. It's spring-loaded.

Yeah. Spring-loaded, rather. So what that means is that everyone can read the question at the same time, but no one can get ahead of themselves and read the questions first until everyone... The answers. Sorry, the answers, yeah. Once it's revealed, you have a certain time limit for us to buzz in. And there's a big screw here. Are you going to explain that?

If a question comes up that I don't know... There's a big screw, everybody, in the middle. A big plastic screw in the middle of the game. In between all the game pads. You can see pictures on our website of what this looks like. What happens is if I think you can't answer this question, I'm going to screw you over by buzzing in, pressing screw, and then pressing your button.

And then the game wants you to answer. And if you fail, big lose, and I get a bonus. But if you win, you get a huge bonus. Cool. You know, one little note I would have for them, if they had, instead of the screw, like a little couple, like a dirty couple having a shag. Why? It's a kid's game.

Why have you got to ruin it? Well, what are they going to say? Why do they say screw, mummy? What does screw mean? It's when a man puts his wee-wee in the pootie hole. Yeah, but you know what? Screwing is a really derogatory way of saying sex, isn't it? It's like, I screwed her.

I screwed him. But that's what it is. It's a metaphor for screwing, isn't it? Yeah, you can also say screw. It's like, fuck you over. So, okay. So, yeah. Right.

So, let's put a model of two people fucking on the middle of this. Yes. Hey, when you think the other, you can definitely don't know. You grab the fuckers and fuck them over with the fuckers. Beep. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Oh, I've come. Who are you going to fuck over now?

Eli. Oh, you got, oh, this is painful. It's a go through. I'm just saying, I'd like to see, you know, a tasteful little mod of this where there's a little couple and they go... Why not put a bone on it then? Bone? I boned you. I boned you.

Bone station. I just boned Eli. No, it doesn't work. Oh, but two little plastic figures fucking does. What about if you had a shag carpet? I shagged you over. No, you're just turning it into a set from a 70s porn film. You should have a banana there instead of a screw.

I'm just going to let you riff until you peter out. All right, how about this? Two bollocks. Can I stop riffing now? Please stop. So let's just play the game. I'm going to turn it on. There's a bit of talking from the guy.

Who is the guy from the original PC game? Oh, but here's my point that I was going to make before you fucking went off on one. The PC game only allowed for maximum three players.

The tabletop was the first to allow for four players at the same time. Why? The PC one, you'd have to all crowd around one PC. Yeah.

Right. And press the space bar. But it was popular. People played together. It was very popular. Yeah. And obviously, it's a booming industry now.

I think of PC gaming as being a very solitary sort of... But that's what made Jackbox different because you could go online and play it with people. And you could play it with people on their phones and things like that. So it didn't really demand much more than you being on a couch with your phone out. So shall we get going?

I'm going to try and win. You're going to be contestant number two. I'll be contestant number one. But if you want to screw me over, you buzz in first, then press the screw. And in this case, because there's only two playing, it will automatically know I have to go next. Okay. All right?

So let's turn it on. Otherwise, I would have to select who I want to screw over. Yeah. Because there's only two. It's a binary. It's a binary decision. Here we go. Let's turn this on.

Do you think this is the voice of the actual guy? It is. I just said that. Two players. 2-1-2-1-2. I'll read the first one out. All right. For 3,000. Some people believed in Tartar control way back in history.

If you want a toothpaste that has proven Tartar fighting abilities, which one should you not choose? Here are the four answers. A. Minty Fresh Attila the Hun. B. New Cinnamon Charlemagne. C. Cool Peppermint Ivan the Great. And D. Triple Action Genghis Khan. Mate, you just fucked that Because you pressed the wrong buzzer And then put the wrong answer in

So you've just Given yourself minus three thousand Well I You didn't tell me which buzzer to do You're number two I have to reach over here Yes You have to fucking stack this

Start again No Start again No Do I Right So you fuck that. Next question. Two.

Thank you. You read the question out this time. Let's say you're the US. Your little brother is Nicaragua, and your mother is France. If you and your brother fight what would prevent your mum from interfering? Let's reveal the answers

A. Manifest Destiny B. The Geneva Convention C. The Mayflower Compact D. The Monroe Doctrine Where to? It's all yours, Harry Bell What? It's not B I'm going to go for D The Monroe Doctrine?

Yep Close the door Remove the card Type in the code How much have you scored? 1,000 I'm minus 4,000 2 1 I'll read this one out How much have you scored? 1,000. I'm minus 4,000. Two, one.

I'll read this one out. If the producers of the film The War of the Roses wanted to cast actors with the same names as the Houses who actually fought in The War of the Roses, who would they call? Here are the four answers. A. Richard Simmons and Jason Priestley. B. Richard Thomas and Vanessa Redgrave.

C. Burt Lancaster and Dick York. And D. Michael Douglas and Danny DeVito. C. Fuck you! Hey! I would have gone for that! You weren't quick enough. I'll let you punch in this code.

Okay, this one's worse. You want to read this one out? Suppose, after Eli Whitney finished his invention of the cotton gin, he had celebrated by getting wasted on gin mixed with a little vermouth. What would he have been drinking? Here are the four answers. A. Hot gin toddies B. Manhattans

C. Cotton gins D. Martinis There you go, martinis. 2,000 motherfucking dollars. Here we go, I'll do it. Here's the next question. I'll ask it. If each of the following had lived in Shakespeare's time,

who would have most likely played Juliet in Romeo and Juliet? Here are the answers. A. Julia Roberts B. Angela Lansbury C. Both Olsen twins. Or D, Keanu Reeves. I'm going to screw you, like. Is it A, B, C, or D? Should I just go and press it? Yeah.

Keanu Reeves, because they only had men. Blow! Well played. They only had men playing and being actors. Well played. Use me brain. I wouldn't have got that. You're now even at least. I'm even at least.

I'm still two grand down on you. Right, you read this question out. $2,000. Okay, it's all about you. If you're playing a game of Twister at the Four Corners in the southwestern United States, which of the following commands

is not possible? Here are the four answers. A. Left foot, New Mexico. B. Right hand, Arizona. C. Right foot, Wyoming. D. Left hand, Utah. I don't know I guess you'd have to be quite knowledgeable of America to know this and I can't we ran out of time right foot Wyoming no idea got to know a bit of US geography

they don't know ours this is another Yank one. Four, four, two, two. Okay, this one's worse. Am I reading this or you? You. Okay, through the door. Suppose Boss Hogg from the Dukes of Hazzard

decided to buy a two-wheeler to chase down the Duke boys. Based on its nickname, which make of motorcycle might he prefer? Right, here we go. Here are the answers. A, BMW. B, Suzuki.

C, Harley-Davidson. D, Yamaha. Hog, Harley-Davidson, Hog. You got it. Fair play. Chigga-blow-bl Davidson. Hog. Blow. Fair play. Chigga-blow-blow. Knowledge. Overdored. I'll read this out.

$3,000. All right. Make it happen. $3,000. Suppose President John Adams were to star in the Adams family as Gomez, staying true to their real relationship, which role should President John Quincy Adams play? Okay, here are the answers. A, Pugsley. B, Lurch.

C, Cousin It. D, Uncle Fester. Oh, I thought it was Lurch. It's Uncle Fester. Oh, that's who I meant to say. You can answer it if you want. Oh, it's not Fester. Pugsley.

Who's Pugsley? The son. Well, yeah, John Adams is the son of Quincy John Adams. Oh, well, we both didn't get that then, did we? I thought it was... Because he's his brother. Uncle Fester is the brother, isn't he? Yeah.

Next one. Okay, this one's worse. You read this one. It's another fun one about a president. Which of the following is not true about former president Millard Fillmore? Who gives a fuck here are the answers? A. Last words. The nourishment

is palatable. B. Settled a vicious international guano fight. C, later in life became a know-nothing. Or D, invented the stapler while vice president. I remember that, he invented the stapler. I didn't know that. But he was vice president. Oh, I'm going to knowledge own you.

Right, let's pick another. Am I leading yet? Motley Crue, yeah! Here we go. Oh, let me do it. One, two, one, two, three. Okay, this one's worth... 3,000.

I'll read it. If the rock band Motley Crue were to wear MOTLEY on stage at every concert, which of these words would best describe their wardrobe? Here are the answers. A. Multicoloured B. Wooden C. Tuxedo-like D. Skimpy Blout! Multicolored. Oh! Give me the money!

I like this game. Oh, you won! That was the last one. You won with 4,000 and I got minus one at the end of that. Oh, there's one last question, though. Due to the success of Fraggle Rock, suppose the Scandinavian TV network planned

to create a special for kids called Ragnarok. What would be the show's most likely subject? Ebb and tide on flow, the end of the world,

heavy metal music, or children's fashion? End of the world. End of the world, why? Because Ragnarok is the end of the world. It is the end of the world. Well played.

Ragnarok and Fraggle Rock. Fragglerock's Ragnarok. I like that. Yeah, I'd like to. Ragnarok and Fraggle Rock. Fraggle Rock's Ragnarok. I like that. I'd like to see that. Coming soon. Fraggle Rock. Hey, everybody. The world's got a fragging end.

You can't do it. You do a Fraggle voice then. Sounds just like mine, you fuck. So there you go. What did you think? I thought that was very fun. It was a lot of fun. I like it. And if you play with a few people, family, you that was very fun. It was a lot of fun. I like it.

And if you play with a few people, family, you're all bashing buttons and things. Yeah, it's cool. I mean, it is a bit small to get, like, you need a coffee table. Yeah. You know, you need some setting up to get everyone comfortably within reach. But once you get going, it's fun, isn't it? Yeah. And, you know, the whole screw option.

I like the questions. They're slightly cryptic, aren't they? You have to kind of work out what the question means. Not fully cryptic, but, yeah, slightly. Well, it's like I said to you before. It's like the questions aren They're slightly cryptic, aren't they? You have to kind of work out what the question means. Not fully cryptic, but yeah, slightly. Well, it's like I said to you before. It's like the questions aren't really, not hard. So it's two levels. It's the general knowledge of actually knowing what the answer to the actual underlying question is,

but also working out what they're getting at. Deciphering. Just in their little trick. There's a little another level on it. Yeah. Which is cool. It has always been the appeal of Jackbox because it's odd. Yeah, I liked it a lot.

So there you go. So I enjoyed that. Top top game i got to win you did get to win and you know what you win for that what uh that that thing we forgot to talk about oh apparently that's a good game as well yeah let's mention this very briefly to finish off so i went to poundland the other day just to get some bits and bobs and saw this on the shelf and i thought it must be a fiver it wasn't it was a quid and it's called fluff it is a dice rolling game and it's like a kind of what what kind of game would you describe it as it's like a bluffing game it's like a poker game but without cards it's like a dice bluffing game yeah it's you bid there's only three basic actions you roll and conceal so you roll your dice yeah you conceal it in the four little pods that they've given yeah nicely made then you calculate and

bid so bid you say how many you're going to win or something like that. Well, no, it's more like your bids are actually what you suggest is in your pods. So,

you say, I have three sixes. And you may or may not. And I may or may not. And then if you lose that round, if you get called out on it, you're lying, then you lose a dice,

which means the odds of you getting, you know what I mean, are harder. And you can raise. And so, it's similar. It's a bluff. Yeah.

It's a game that contains bluffing. Bluffing. Which is cool. I like those kind of games. And it's a very nice artwork they've done for it. It really feels like a game that you could see

for 20 quid and upwards. I was surprised when I only paid a quid for that. And I noticed their nice quality, it's a nice box. Nicely designed. Really nice, isn't it?

Got dice, little pods. And I think a friend of mine who is into games, big into games, got this and said it's really fun. It's made by the Bananagrams people and everyone loves Bananagrams. I like Bananagrams. It's like high speed Scrabble. It's fun. So do you think that this was just not a hit and they sold it cheap?

Maybe. What was the story of why these end up? It might be that. Maybe it's just old, a few years old. But the thing is, I've been to Poundlands before and seen like Rubik's Cubes official ones going for three quid or five quid sets. So I thought that would be the same. It'd be a three or five quid product, but it's a quid. And maybe they just didn't sell as many.

You know what I mean? My friend who's into games, he plays this game Dice Quest or something. Right. Cube Quest. Okay. And it's like a flicky game where you get these dice and you build a sort of fortress. You take the first half of the game, you build your dice,

you put them anywhere you like on this flat board you have. And then you flick them at each other and try and get it into the zone. And depending on what side your dice that you flick lands on does different things, can get captured and taken off and all of this. So it's like strategy where you can build

a big wall for example to stop them at the beginning so there's that strategy bit but also the sort of dexterity of the flicky I'd love to give a go at that I'd get them to lend it to you

you could do it on your bloody YouTube channel mate while we're talking about games Paul it's your channel wouldn't you like that on your channel

it's a good game I would yeah I'll talk to him about it I just don't like you talking about all the people on this podcast I've got that stack

bridge thing you should put that on your channel yeah maybe I can source shit for you man yeah give me a chance

you're a friend while we're talking about games Paul yeah did you know Rubik's yeah

and that game Kensington yeah exactly the same font on the printed material wow now my life is richer for knowing that fact your life is richer oh my life is Same Kensington. Yeah. Exactly the same font on the printed material. Wow. Now my life is richer for knowing that fact. Your life is richer.

Oh, my life is going to explode like a rainbow. All right, no. Oh, the thoughts I have. No one likes a sarcastic nanny. The dreams I can choose from. The life I can live for thanking you for that fact. Good, I'm glad. My life has become

a crossroads. He's doing something with his nipples, guys. He's rubbing them. A simple crossroads. He's rubbing his breasts. A choice that I must make. Do I go left? Do I go right? Do I go back? Or... I think he should leave. All I know is that that simple fact was... Is this Bill Donut singing?

This is me singing my love ballad to myself called I Have a Choice Now. I have a choice now. Stop it, could you really? It's really putting me off the way you were sort of massaging your tits there. Tit, tit, lemonade, round the corner, chocolate's made.

There you go, that's the end of the segment. And we're back. It's an Avagannon Golden Guy. It is. And we're going to play a game that I've only just realised that I did on Digitizer with Biffo. So we're going to do it on Cheap Show anyway, because I found this cheap online.

That was the other thing as well. Don't know Jack, it wasn't exactly cheap, but it was $15, but the postage and packaging was quite expensive. Because it's an American thing. On the other side of that equation, Paul, the pound is quite strong against the dollar at the moment, isn't it? I guess it is, as of recording. So this other one I got as well on sale on Amazon. It was usually about 15 quid. It was now five, so it was on

sale. This is called Game Off. The head-to-head party game for dastards. What's a dastard? I don't know. Dastardly. Must be of ill behaviour. Yeah, but bastard, we know, is a fatherless child. No. Why, is a fatherless child. No.

Why is Paul a fatherless child? Oh, hang on, yeah. Yeah, I mean, I don't know what they're doing with technology. I think you can... I've done a canonism. Yeah, hang on.

What was the question I was going to ask it? Who is the fatherless child? I am the fatherless child. That sounds like a song, isn't it? I float through the cosmos. I am the fatherless child. Oh sounds like a song, isn't it? I float through the cosmos. I am the fatherless child. Oh, good. With Dada,

I search the cosmos for Dada. But you are fatherless. But I am the fatherless child. Do you know what? Yes. You could be a baddie in the Queefuffer universe. We're moving on. I knew that would stop him. Didn't I, everybody?

Mention of Queefuffer is not a're moving on. I knew that would stop him. It did. Good night, everybody. That stopped him. Mention of Queef Huffer is not a toxic franchise. It is the green lantern of the cheap show franchises. Dastard, a dishonorable or despicable man. Oh, you dastard.

Dastard bastard. Dastard bastard. Dastard bastard. I'm dastard bastard and I would like a cake with custard. That doesn't rhyme, does it? I liked it.

I only just imagined that. I liked it. It's good. So anyway, there are a pile of cards, five piles ahead of us. And one is skill, one is courage, one is body, one of mind, one of luck. And each card has a challenge on or a question. We go head to head. Game off is what it's called.

I said that. In case anyone had mentioned that. I didn't hear it. Oh, and that one pound game was called Fl fluff and they've tried and make we're on fire today but going to the fluff thing paul i've been fluffed that's what they do they make a cheap gag perhaps that's why i sold it for a quid because it's like looks like a kid's game but then it's like i'll fluff you off who needs fluffing i need a right hardener before i can do this and all the characters are um animals fluff me. It's got a bit of a furby,

furby? Furry stuff to it. I do owl porn. Fluff me off. Oh, I'm going to fucking... I do owls, yeah, for money. I do owls. But I only like sparrows,

so they have to put a fluffy sparrow in to fluff me off. Mate, mate, mate. Here's a question for you. Do you do pigeon work? I do heavy pigeon work. What about, what about... Hang on, hang on. I don't know how you feel about this. How do pigeon work? I do heavy pigeon work. What about, what about,

hang on, hang on, I've got, I don't know how you feel about this. How do I feel? Robin Redbreast. Now you've got me all fucking, oh,

I've got fizzy little droplets. Would you fuck a duck for a quid? Yes. Right. Anyway, that's fluff, one pound, pound land.

So, each card category is a different type of challenge. Luck is kind of, it could be an instant win on that. It could be. Luck is luck. Luck is luck. Mind is that kind of mental.

Mind is a mind. It's your mind. It's a mental sort of thing. Yeah, I know. Body. What does that refer to, Paul? It's probably an activity challenge. That's physical or body.

Courage. That's what you have to say. I fuck a dog or something. Yeah. Oh, confess. I fuck dogs. I used to fuck dogs a lot. Pigeons, sparrows, ducks. I fuck them all's what you have to say. I fuck a dog or something. Yeah. Oh, confess. I fuck dogs. I used to fuck dogs a lot. Pigeons, sparrows, ducks.

I fuck them all. I do it for money. They call me the Dr. Dolittle of fuckbeasts. I bet that person exists, you see. We're a bit on the nose with this. There must be people who do animal porn. Do you think there's a man out there who does animal porn called Dr. Do-Everything? What do you do?

Everything. Oh, that reminded me. Your punnery has reminded me me Your punnery has reminded me Your punnery has reminded me Imagine this as a cooking show thing You know you've got horses for courses Yeah Sources for courses

I thought you were going to recommend The show where people use horse meat To make meals No that'd be good It would be What's wrong with horse meat? I don't know People ate it in this country for years

When it was in bird's eye burgers Yeah It's only if you sneak it into a burger That you claim is cow Yeah But people eat Yeah Horse You know what I mean? They eat horses don't they? I wouldn't mind if they said and it was in Bird's Eye Burgers. Yeah. It's only if you sneak it into a burger that you claim is cow. Yeah. But people eat horse. You know what I mean?

They eat horses, don't they? I wouldn't mind if they said, like, horse-cow mix burgers. I'd eat those. Yeah? You'd eat anything, though. I wouldn't. You'd eat last week's Donner meat.

No, I would not. You would. Naughty boy. So, skill. So, should we just crack on? The idea is... Skill is what? Skill is a disease in a fish's arsehole. Do you remember that? Yes. is what? Skill is a disease in a fish's arsehole. Do you remember that?

Yes. Do you remember skill is a disease in a fish's arsehole? I don't remember that, but you're... You don't remember that? No. Stop. When I was at school, people used to say skill, that was skill. You remember that?

That was mad skill. That was skill. I was skill. Top skill. To say I did that well. Yeah. It sort of was a synonym for that. Top skill.

Did they say top skill? I don't know. In the 70s, they went, that's right, gear. Yeah. Didn't they? I thought I'd go back. That was groovy. Yeah.

Anyway, I like those words. Skill, groovy, gear. Right. And you'd have, if someone said, oh, that was skill, I'm skill. Our school used to call fannies, mott. And I never understood that. She had a hairy mott. I don't understand that.

I like it. Anyway, moving on. We used to say, I'd say, oh, you know, I'd get a piece of paper into a waste paper basket. Yeah, that was skill. That was skill. And they'd go, skill is a disease in a goldfish's arsehole. I've never heard that. Skill is, in fact, a disease that fish suffer from.

Oh, well, there you go. Now I know. I've got a nasty case of scabby skill. We'll do five rounds, and the winner of the five rounds is the one with the most cards who wins them. All right? You could just cut that down and say the winner

is you, Eli. It might be. The winner will be you. It might be. I'm going to fucking double header this Ganon Goldens games and put it to rest.

Do you want to play the first card then? What do I have to do? Pick a category. Luck. All right, pick the card then. What does it say? What do you mean pick it?

Take the top card and say what it says. Take it? Yes. I've picked it, now I take it. Luck. Right, pick the card then. What does it say? What do you mean pick it? Take the top card and say what it says. Take it? Yes. I've picked it, now I take it. Oh, mate, don't be a dickhead. You know what I mean. Ah-ha-ha! Now what do I do?

Fuck me. Read the card and then we see who wins. No, just a word or two. I picked this card, it's luck, everybody, that I've picked. Odds off. You, brackets, the roller. What do I mean roller? Whoever's picked the card, doesn't matter. We're not, the roller. What do I mean roll? Whoever's picked the card

doesn't matter. We're not using the dice because if you use the dice if there are more than two people playing. Well, I don't understand. Don't worry about it. You, the roller, me,

must roll the normal dice again. Why not rolling dice? You haven't got dice, have you? It comes with dice. All right, so I have to roll the dice. When you're playing

with more than two people you've used the dice to roll to see which number of people it is. It's not. You're just being a dickhead. I know. I love it. When you're playing with more than two people, you've used the dice to roll to see which number the people are using. It's not. You're just being a dickhead. I know. I love it.

Roll it in here. This game is gold. Finish reading the card so I know what the stakes are. I must roll the normal dice again. Odds you win, even opponent wins. That's it.

There you go. So roll it. So I'm trying to get odds. An odd number. So one, three, or five. Give me a one, three, or five, baby. Go. Five.

So you lost or won? I win. So you win that card. Eli wins on luck. I like that. My go. I'm going to go with courage. See what courage says.

Here's courage. Reveal your penises. Whichever one looks great is the winner. Shall I win this one, Eli? Paul, that's a very low and mean-spirited attempt at humour. And I'm not going to stand for it anymore. Read the fucking card. All right, here we go.

Torture Off. Using your phone microphone, no, using your phone microphone, record yourself singing a snippet of a song. This will be played on a loop to your opponent for eternity, should they ever end up going to hell. Judges vote for the underground's newest sound. I'm not doing that card. This game is not looking good, man. It's not looking good on that card.

We've had minus fun from that card. Heckle off. In turns, players must stand up in front of the group and introduce themselves by saying, Hello, everyone. My name is blank. During this moment, the opponent must interrupt them with a damning heckle.

All right. The group vote for the heckle with the most metal. So you get up and do that. Don't get up. You don't have to do it. No, Connor. And then I with the most metal. You get up and do it. Don't get up. I'll heckle you and then I'll do it and then you heckle me and then we'll see which one did the best heckle. Do you want to go first or shall I? I'll go first.

You heckle me. Hello everyone. My name is Paul Gannon. What? I'm in a heckle now? You've got to say something heckling. Do it again. Hello everyone. My name is Paul Gannon. Cunts! Not funny. Yeah. Do it again. Hello, everyone. My name is Paul Gannon. Cunts! Not funny. All right. God, that was terrible.

Your go. All right. Is this thing on? Yeah. Okay. Okay. Okay. You're either doing bad stand-up as Jack Douglas or you're killing time.

Why are you thinking? All you've got to do is say your name. I'm doing my little bad stand-up as Jack Douglas or you're killing time. Why are you thinking? All you've got to do is say your name. I'm doing my little persona set-up. Walk on stage. Who is this guy? Who is... Hello. Come back.

What are you doing? Come earlier. Sorry. All you've got to say is a sentence. Come on. Is it hello everybody? Is that the second word? Hello everyone.

Mate, stop. Let me see. What is it? The writing in red. Everyone. No wonder you get that many acting roles. Shut up. Line.

It's just your name, mate. Okay, you ready? Yes. Hello everybody. My name's Eli Silverman. Fucked your man. It was the best heckle. Yours slightly, but really, really wasn't very good. Hello everybody My name's Eli Silverman Fucked your man Who was the best heckle?

Yours slightly But really Really wasn't very good They were both Pretty poor Do you want to have another go? Sure Alright Hello everyone

My name is Paul Gannon Who knitted your jumper you cunt? You look like a beatnik Right, your go Hello everyone My name's Eli Silverman Not DJing much these days Are you mate?

You don't know me You're a weirdo You don't even know anything about me. I know you're a DJ. Alright, get him out. I'm friends with the bouncer at least because I used to DJ here, mate. And me and the bouncer used to do lines behind

the decks together, right? This is council culture. You win. Do you win? I win that card. I'll let you have that card. What do you want to do now we've got we have the mind body or skill just if you want it mind

alright here we go I'll read this one out to you yeah black widow off oh imagine you were a female black widow spiders

now get ready to find them a black widow spiders did I stutter bitch shut up sorry I'm going off what's that from did I stutter

are these the words coming out of my mouth? Oh, that's it. Yeah, did I stutter? Oh, that's right. Flock of seagulls, bang, bang. Got it. I'm all got it now. That's the whole scene, isn't it?

Where they break into the guy and it's like- Flock of seagulls? Yeah, because the guy's got the hair cut like the fox. Does he mention flock of seagulls in Pulp Fiction? Yeah. Oh, he says, you take flock of seagulls and I'll take- Something I don't remember. Duran Duran.

And then he says something about retribution and reads the Bible out and everyone goes, best scene ever. Imagine you are female black widow spiders. Right. Now. Yes.

Get ready to find a mate. Right. Who will be your next meal? Out of everyone in the world, who would you choose to fuck and then eat? That's the question. Judges vote for their

preferred victim. So I have to pick someone I'd like to fuck and eat. So I'll come to you, Mr. Gannon. Who would you choose to fuck and then eat? That's the question. Judges vote for their preferred victim. So I have to pick someone I'd like to fuck and eat. I'll come to you, Mr. Gannon. Who would you, out of everyone in the world, fuck and then eat? You do a little jiggle jiggle and then you do a little munchy munchies. I think no matter how I answer this,

it's going to be problematic. So I'm just going to say Drew Barrymore. Drew Barrymore. Do you have to kill him afterwards? Or do you sort of fuck him, they die, and then you wait? Mate, I don't like this question. How about this, Paul? Yeah. You fuck Drew Barrymore.

I hope she never hears this. Dream come true. Yeah. It's a wonderful date. Yeah. You know, a little meal, a little bit of wine, maybe some dancing. Yeah. And a really great sexual experience for both.

Yeah. Then you wait until she dies 20, 30 years down the line. Yeah. And a really great sexual experience for both. Yeah. Then you wait until she dies 20, 30 years down the line happily. Okay, yeah. You just go and just... Do you want that?

Yeah. Are you using that? You creep into the morgue. It's just, I made a... Creep into the morgue and just tastefully shave a little fleck of her skin off.

Nibble, nibble. Put it on your thing. That is... Dead through Barrymore skin. Yeah. And then I've done it. And it's not, no one would really, she's dead already. You fucked her everywhere.

It was completely consensual between you and Barrymore. Yeah, it was all above board. Imagine Michael Barrymore was there. Mate. I'm stopping that. I'm just thinking of you, Michael Barry, watching you and Drew Barrymore fucking check. You're really going for it. What, and he's at the back saying, all right?

Basically, yeah. All right, do I have to pick someone now? No, you have to pick someone who you'd have sex with, then eat. The reasons being is, like, you could say, oh, I'll get someone portly. Like, I'll fuck Jack Black. Because at least you have a proper meal afterwards. You know? Or a wrestler.

Because that's probably good marbled meat. What about, like, just a... Depends on what kind of meal you're working for. A giant gummy bear designed with a slot. You'd fuck a giant gummy bear. And you'd have to eat the spunk that you left inside it. I could work my way up to it. It's like those chewy Sensa Haribo.

I could work my way up. We're talking big. Life-sized, like, human-sized bear. Well, that's not that big for you, is it? It's like those chewy Sensa Haribo. I could work my way up. We're talking big. Life size, like human size bear. Well, that's not that big for you, is it? It's like just a slightly bigger than average jelly belly that you could just fuck. Jelly belly? You could fuck a jelly belly. I don't want to.

Well, it says someone. It has to be a person. I guess Blobby. You could have sex with Mr. Blobby. Who says that my life size jelly fuck bear isn't someone? Who gets to decide that? They someone to me oh mate don't even try and ring you know what teddy i call him teddy wobbly teddy you win the card because i can't bear having this conversation keep going yeah i'll give him a whole backstory right my

turn to pick a card uh let's go with skill skill here we go oh come. It's a disease up a fish's ass. I don't know if we can do this one, but we've got paper and a pen, so we can take turns. Yeah, let's do it. It's called Nude Off. Using imagination, you must both draw a nude portrait of your opponent.

This is also a race. When either person shouts nipples, drawing time is over, and the work will be presented to the judges for critique. Do you want to draw a nude person of me? Yes. And you have to do one at the same time. then we say nipples we can do what they said no how about this we'll time each other 10 seconds to draw it each all right so we can both use the

pen and the paper right but we'll have but we'll cover it so i won't see so let me just set it for 10 seconds on me on me thing 10 is that gonna be enough yeah because it has to be it has to be scrawled and quick let me get my timer out you ready yep 10 seconds starting now draw me nude he's off he's drawing a little stick man and he's got five seconds left and uh i don't know what he's done there but it looks like i'm wearing shallots and that's it time is over right cover it up right i'm gonna draw my one now how long do you get 10 10 seconds. Ready? Just say when. Go. Five seconds.

Six seconds. Nine seconds. And 10 seconds. Drawn it. Right, show me what you got. There you go.

I think it's quite realistic. So he's drawn a stick man with what looks like cowboy trousers on underneath. I don't know what that is. It looks like you've given me big chaps. Yeah. You've got some chaps there. All right, describe what...

What's this though there, Paul? It's a small penis. You've got flesh chaps is what I reckon. I've got big fleshy thighs. That's what I've always imagined you having. Huge, weird, thick, chap-like flesh thighs. And a, I don't know... A little nubble.'t know a little nubble a little nubble well scratchy scratchy scratchy pictures will be upon our website here's here's your one i look

like fucking a humpty dumpty i'm an egg man with a larger prick than i've drawn yours that'd be quite flattering it's almost twice it's quite some girth on it no that's very realistic i think that should win. You get the card. It does. Be fair. I don't like play schools. That's good.

You've got an actual likeness of me. I don't know. Mine, you know. You're expressionistic. You were going with how you felt emotionally, how I looked. Get that on a t-shirt, mate. We're putting that on a t-shirt. I win that card.

Yes, you win that card. Right. Next card. We haven't had body, have we? No, we haven't had body. This will be the last card. Brow off.

Brow off. Who can manipulate their eyebrows in the most comely fashion? Let's do something that's

a bit more good for podcast. Oh, look, see, I got it right in the box. Nice throw.

Do body again. We'll just look for one that's a bit more... Stifle off. Stifle off. You are at a dinner party

surrounded by beautiful guests. Oh, yes. So attractive, in fact, that you get carried away and accidentally orgasm. That doesn't say that. It does. You must recreate this moment of coming in public at a dinner party with the top guests, mate. How does this even happen?

Oh, it's my big day. Well, shh. Don't give away your top lines here. All right, okay. You must each recreate this moment, trying to stifle or disguise your act. Judges vote for the most petit mort. The most what?

Petit mort is little death in French, meaning orgasm, but it's quite witty. Quite witty. It also means little. The most small orgasm. So I have to play out a scene now where I'm in a party and I come

and how do I cover it up? Yes. Right, okay, so I'll do my first scene. A dinner party? I'll do it. I didn't know, but I'm a guest. I'm a guest at the party. In that case, I'll be the guest. You're trying to come and not let me know about it. Wait. And then we'll reverse roll. We're both reverse rolls after this,

alright, so I'm going to go first. Just checking the parameters. Here we go. Oh, do you sit down, Geoffrey? Just call me Paul. Oh. Right, go first. Just checking the parameters. Here we go. Oh, do sit down, Jeffrey. Just call me Paul. Oh. Right, wait. Let me start the scene. Who am I then?

Who am I? Don't care. Just let me start. Ready? Yes. Hands off the table. Stop making noise. Just fucking stop.

Everything. Okay. Oh, I can't wait. It's the big day. I'm in this party. Oh, I've been invited by the queen. That's great. Oh, look. Oh, God. Everyone's so beautiful. Oh, God.'t wait. It's the big day. I'm in this party. I've been invited by the Queen. That's great. Oh, look. Oh, God, everyone's so beautiful. Oh, God, she's hot. Oh, God, look at him with his big...

Oh, look at that. Look at him. Excuse me, young man. Oh, yeah, love. How are you? Very good, thank you. It's nice to see you again. It's good to see you too. Geoffrey, wasn't it? Yeah. Yeah?

No, Paul. Oh, maybe I was thinking of someone else. I came in Geoffrey's place. it? Yeah. Yeah? No, Paul. Oh, maybe I was thinking of someone else. I came in Geoffrey's place. That's true. Paul, sorry. Yes. I'm Lady Hafferfaff. Hello, Hafferfaff.

A long line of Hafferfaffs I come from. You are quite a beautiful woman. Thank you. Oh, yeah, quite beautiful. Thank you. You've got quite a firm chest, darling. Don't let this develop into an impropriety. I won't. Now. They're quite beautiful. Thank you. You've got quite a firm chest, darling. Don't let this develop into an impropriety.

I won't. Now, would you pass the cock, everyone? I'd also like some of that fanny. Just don't say that. Cake. Oh, what dish is this? It's quite an exotic one. You're not letting me give it any time to come you've put me right off

they call it cummy fun fanny it's actually gone back inside they call it duck bob bob I've actually

anti-cum right it's my turn now no because I haven't had a chance to cum oh go ahead just let me go for it there's someone so I'm sorry Geoffrey

there's someone fuck yeah much more interesting down here alright oh looking over there. Yes, that's... Oh, yeah.

Yes, dear. Go on. A model, you say? What's that? Swim. Oh, my God. I will eat you. I will eat you.

I will eat you. Oh, I will eat you. I will eat you afterwards. All right. Please. Please. Wee. Wee. Wee.

Wee. Wee. Wee. Achoo. Oh, I sneezed. I must go over here. Have you not come yet? I'm going to have to rinse my pants out.

I'm sorry. I'm going to have to rinse my pants out. I'm sorry. I'm going to have to literally wring them with my hands over the sink and the toilet. Is that it? You're done now? All right, you all go. You're at the party. I need a little moment, sorry. That was weird and disturbing. No, all right, we all heard it.

We all heard it, Paul. Weird you had to make up a more attractive non-existent character in order to set it off. Lady Half-A-Fam was... Do you want to set the scene? Yeah. You set the scene of the party. You set the party, right?

It's like... Oh, nice music. Oh to the sexy party right it's like oh nice music right oh my sexy party's ready like oh my sexy party it's not meant to be a sexy party can i see okay yeah fucking read the card again let me read it you're at a dinner party surrounded by beautiful guests so attractive you get kaiway and dinner party it's not a sexy party set up by some twat all right you're sitting down at the dinner party. I'm an opposite lady attractor. Yes, I'd like you to be a good selection of upper class, well-to-do guests. Okay, Paul?

Okay. And I'll come and I'll just join the table, okay? Okay. Oh, yes. No, the lobster's looking beautiful tonight. My papa prepared it perfectly. I think maybe we should stop because it was a bad idea

to let you do the background stop here we go ah yes sir come and sit down here there's a space opposite me at the table. Oh, thank you. Ah, yes.

It's quite a rough... Sorry, there's a rough finish on this. Oh, yes, no. The tough taffeta. It's a tough... I can't do it. I can't do it. It's a very rough

Sorry just saying it's a rough Excuse me Let me just reach forward And reach for the salt and pepper Opposite you there With my cleavage bosom Oh look I'm reaching forward Oh what is that material

That your gown is made of Look at my tits Come on Oh now I have I've seen what you're talking about there now Oh I'm going to bend over I've seen what you're talking about there now. Oh, I'm going to bend over and pick up this knife and fork. No, I have. I fetched.

I just fetched. I fetched now. I'm done. I'm spent. I fetched. Oh, into my pants. Yeah. Do you need to go?

No, it's not much of it. I can just sit there and wait for it to go squiggly. Squiggly. Go squatchy. go, you know. I don't know, it'll go see-through eventually. Yeah, it'll go hard and see-through, hopefully. He's a scientist in spunk technology. Right, who won that one?

Me. I thought it was quite good. No, yours wasn't. Yours is. Well, I imagine it is in real life. Disappointing and anticlimactic. You just didn't hear it. No, that's what she said.

Right, so that means after the end of those five rounds I've won three you've got two yeah Paulie wins he won that one Paulie wins that

oh game on what a lovely bit of fun we had it was fun they you know because they go there they go there but girlfriend

they went there girlfriend they went there and they went there right let's wrap this bloody show up and ladies and gentlemen And they went there. Right, let's wrap this bloody show up. And ladies and gentlemen, that is it for Cheap Show.

That's all we've got time for this week on the show. Thank you for supporting us, if you do, on Patreon. If you'd like to, every little helps. And it's been a lifesaver to me and Eli over the past year and has kept this podcast on the tracks. So thank you to everyone who supports us. Thank you so much. You get all the videos and extra podcasts

and extra bits and bobs and magazines and all sorts of delights and early access to live shows if and when they happen. All that kind of stuff. So there'll be access to bits and bobs like that.

And yeah, patreon.com forward slash cheap show. We have a website, thecheapshow.co.uk. That's where you go to for one-stop shop of all things cheap show. There's links to each separate page

for each podcast episode, which has pictures and videos. We also have links to, get this, the official merch store, where our new drawings will now become T-shirts. I really captured something of your fat legs. Yes, you have. You can also get logo designs. Can I just get through this?

No, can I just ask, what is this shape on me? It makes me a little six-pack, weirdly. A little kind of bowel-y six-pack. I'm very flattering to you. Thank you. So yeah, our official merch website for logos and stuff like that. Also, Tony's merch website. If you want more creative, dynamic art to wear upon your person,

you can go to Tony's merch page for our website. Also, events open up the physical Cheap Show magazine store once more. We can order magazines of Cheap Show. The Cheap Show magazine, usually exclusive to Patreon people for free. But you can order it for realsies from a link on our page. And you know what people say, Paul? What? That's a good little mag that. It's a good little mag that.

Much better than this podcast deserves. What else? We're on Tumblr, we're on Facebook, look for Cheap Show. We're on Instagram. Instagram. Also Twitter, where we're most active. At the Cheap Show pod. I'm at Paul Gannon Show. Eli is... At Eli Snowid.

And you spell that, E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. Also, if you like music, I have a show on Soho Radio, internet radio station, every two weeks on a Sunday from two till four. But it stays on their website, doesn't it, if you miss it? I was going to say, Paul, look at this.

I've done some housekeeping here. Good. You can listen to all of the uh back copy so to speak or whatever they call previous episodes of my music show called the house of pickle sound show at house of pickle sound show dot blog spot dot com you can listen there to all of them house of pickle sound show all one word it's really difficult to know do you know that yeah i know they people at the station get it wrong every time they sort of put any data in just put a link on your twitter account i'll put the link up on my twitter account job done put it in your bio uh because people have been asking you know yeah great and they should it's a lovely little show with great music the house of pickle sound show on soho radio uh what else oh yeah we're still taking entries for your revision you've got until the end of April to get those in.

Nice variety coming in now. So throw down your ideas, get creative. From wherever in the world you listen to this, send them to me as a WAV or an MP3 to thecheapshowatgmail.com. And remember to put your title, track name, and your artist name, how you want to be named on the show.

It doesn't have to be your name. No. It can go as an alias, such as Prince wasn't his real name. It was actually can go as an alias. Such as Prince wasn't his real name. It was actually Prince Lee McTottleton. No, it wasn't. It was his real name. Prince Lee McTottleton.

Yeah, I know. Prince was his real name. Was it? Yeah. See, you're choosing... Don't speak before you have courage. Madonna. Of which you talk.

That was her real name. It wasn't. No, it wasn't her real name. Her real name is Prince Lee McTottleton. Right. No, Prince was his real name. Oh, I didn't know that. I thought it was like short for Prince.

It wasn't. It wasn't. Princeton. So, and finally, if you can, and you'd like to send us stuff to the podcast via our PO box, any weird and wonderful things you find in charity shops, you can go to CheapShop.

Where now, though? There's no charity shops open. Well, maybe people have got something banked or they've got stuff at home or they've got things we'd like to see. Is there a charity shop bank? You can put charity shop items in. Right, I'm just going to stop you there

because I can't be arsed. Okay. Please send stuff that you may want to have us on the show perform and play with. We're at the cheap show P.O. Box 1309 Harrow HA19QJ. And if you want to send stuff to Digitizer, you can also. I will pat it on to Mr. Biffington.

And that's all the admin done. All right, good. The most awkward and painful part of any podcast that most people turn off early from well you've you've gone through that Paul

thank you for doing that thank you Eli thank you for a lovely show today thank you Eli it's been a pleasure it's always a pleasure to perform with you

I've come round the mountain I've come round here and you've come round here when he doesn't know what to say he goes come round here come round here when he doesn't know what to say come he goes, come round here, come round here. I do not say that when I don't have not got what to say.

I say other things. He's a creative monster. He doesn't know what to say. He's a creative. I've got other things I like to say. Such as boff, twang, biddle, biddle, bop, bop, diddle, dat, doh, quack, quack. Squidgey, squidgey, squidgey, squidgey, squidgey, squidgey, squidgey, squidgey. And that's what you do when you don't know how to end a podcast.

Bye. Goodbye, everybody. Bye-bye, boys and girls. Goodbye, everybody. Ruff Ruff Ruff. Tiddly pumpty tumpty. You don't have to keep up with the pretense with me, Bill. Yeah, I know.

I'm just keeping an eye out, just in case. Gotta keep up the fucking pretenses, mate. Well, you wouldn't be singing, would you, in a car park, Ruff Ruff? Listen, they'll be here soon. Well, I hope they are, because... You know, I'm trying to rebuild my image, Ruff Ruff. I won't do to be out in a car park making some kind of deal, but... When did they say they'd be here? If this deal goes down, we'll be walking away with millions and millions of quid.

I know, I know. One more deal. Listen, whose contact is this? I know. I want it to go right. I'm using the cheap show pods as my lab to make this lovely, lovely bottle of squodge? What do you call it? Squodge? Squodge.

And you're saying it's stronger than everything on the market? It throws you into a trance so deep you transcend all experiences of reality. And you tested it on Larry? Well, Larry unwittingly tested it. What do you mean, unwittingly? What? Well, he didn't... 20? Well, he didn't know. We need 20 vials. I said to the Hairy brothers that we'd have 20 vials of the top squad.

And I made 20 vials, didn't I? Good. 20 vials, 40 million quid. Yeah, 40 million. 20 each. That's what they're bringing, 40 million quid. So we've got 20 vials. I don't need to do the maths.

Right. Well, I don't know, Bill. You're the money man. I just supply the drugs. I knew you when you were doing the clubs. They also used to know me as the lab man, cooking away me little drugs. Yes, you were.

I had the whole of London in me hand until you walked in and you undercut me. You were London's premier criminal chemist and you came up with some doozies back in the day. And now I'm back on the scene. Well, we hope so. This is what I've sold it on to the Hairy Brothers.

My contact. I need to flip this quickly. Yeah. And then get back into established businesses. This isn't really the look I'm going for, Bill. Listen, we have got a little bit of a problem, and I need you to cover me, all right? What? So, I made the 20 jars,

the 20 vials. 20 vials, 10 millilitres each? Of squodge. Of squodge? And, er, unfortunately, because the instrument had a little bit of a taste for it, he managed to polish off about ten of them. I don't need you to be telling me this right now.

Do you know? Do you know, Bill, who the Hairy Brothers are? Ruff, ruff. Mate, mate, by the time we... Do you know? Do you know, Bill, who the Hairy Brothers are? Ruff Ruff? Do you know who they are? They're not the little two-bit operators when you went away. They may have been just a nasty couple of two-bit

operators, but they've grown. Oh, Ruff Ruff. They have grown. They've grown up and they have fingers in every single pie and dirty hole around this whole town. I know. Every single manor. Mate. They will chop us to pieces.

Listen, I've just done time, Ruff Ruff. I don't want to be going straight back in. Look, I've... What are we going to do? I've smelt worth it. I've said 20 vials. Don't you worry. By the time we've made the exchange, we'll be out of here.

We'll be out of here before they even know they've been sold a duff box of crap. Right, okay. So we're going to try and rip off the top criminals of the underworld. Ruff off. No, that's fine. Calm down. It's fine. Listen to this.

Listen. The top ten jars. Right. They're full of the good stuff. That's what they're going to taste, right? Top spodge. That's what they're going to taste. The bottom ten squodge. That's what they're going to taste. The bottom ten.

Squodge. Well, I had to milk Ingeman. What? I milked him. So there's probably a bit of residue squodge in his squidge. Right. But it looks the same. You've filled them with spunk.

It does look well. I've filled them with Larry's Ingeman spunk. No difference. Right. It'll just have to do. And, mate, you never had to milk him. Every time he cried inch, I tugged him. Right.

Inch, tug, inch, tug. Four hours until I filled those ten jars. You filled them. Don't you worry. The point is you filled them. Don't worry. I know my arse is on the line. But listen, we make the exchange, we get the fuck out of here.

Before they know they've been slurping down spunk, we'll be in Costa Rica. You may be in Costa Rica. I'm going to re-establish my business. The covers, I'll do the talking. They're pulling up now. All right there. Hello, I am Hans Harry. Nice to see you, Mr. Brando. Ruff, ruff, hello. Hello, Hans. Yes, Ruff, Hans Harry. Nice to see you, Mr. Brando. Ruff, ruff, hello. Hello, Hans. Yes, Ruff, ruff. Nice to see you.

Good evening, Hans. Long time no, uh, fuck you. Uh, hello, Palms. Nice to see you. Now, shall we, uh... Oh, yes, that's me. I am Palms Harry. Can I zip him apart yet, brother? All right, listen, listen, Palm, calm down, right? Listen, you calm that little shit of yours down. We're going to do a deal and I don't want any loose cannons ruining my fucking deal. Bill, you haven't been on the scene for a while. You're still a little small fry in my tank. All right, Hans. And I'll take the aquarium and I'll fucking put a little one of those filters in and it will all bubble up, all right. You hear what I'm saying? You know, that's not much of a threat. That's just nice

aquarium quality. Listen, I've got, look, Mr. Brandoff, is he going to be a problem? No, no, no, no. Bill, Bill, just shut up. Give us the vials, Bill. Listen, as agreed, 20 vials of squodge. Good squodge. That's lovely stuff. I don't know if you want to taste a bit of the merchandise. I don't. I never taste the merchandise, Bill. Good, Squatch. That's lovely stuff. So, I don't know if you want to taste a bit of the merchandise. I don't. I never taste the merchandise, Bill. Listen, you've been out of the game for too long. What are you? Some kind of aquarium salesman now?

Oh, don't you come to my door giving me all that. Well, if you fucking remember... Right then. The Airy Brothers, it's only Palms Airy who tastes the goods. Oh, yeah, I taste the goods. I taste the... There you go, Palms there. I'm opening the jar now.

Open it up. Yes. Oh, I don't know what this is. Of course, it smells like palms. Is it good stuff? It smells like sizzle. Like sizzle? Sizzle.

Is that good? I don't know. Let me taste it. Rub it in. Oh. It's looking good, guys. Oh, it's good, Swift. good I don't know let me taste it right you finished good okay so where's the money here you go I'll take that. Thank you very much. And these are all of ours. Here you go, all 20. Here you go. Well, Bill, looks like you're back up to speed,

and I look forward to doing business with you. Brando, just get into the car with the suitcase, would you, mate? I think I might have a little try. No, you're driving. Well, no, look. No, no, you're driving. Hang on, hang on, hang on. I might have a little try myself this time.

No, don't take one. Listen, don't come the big haddock with me, Bill. I'm going to fucking try this. Now, palms, was it good? It was a good shit. I can see everything. You can see through time and stuff? Everything.

Can you see the minutiae of the infinite in every grain of wood? Oh, I see Pamela Anderson. Good, it's good then. Shall I try a bit? Oh, you take some now. Okay, no, don't. Just take... I'm gonna try a bit, come on. No, not that jar. No, not that jar. No, this jar?

No, not that one. The other one. Oh, come on, mate. Just the other one. What difference is it, mate? They're all the same, right, Bill? Start the engine, Brandov. They're all the same, right, Bill? Start the engine, Brando. They're all the same, right, Bill? Start the engine, Brando. Brando!

You do not turn that key in that car. Oh, shit. I'm unscrewing it. Oh, God. What's that? What's that smell? It smells like something. It smells...

That's... This isn't squanch. Oh, no. This is fucking spank! Get the car started, Brando! Get the guns! Get the guns! Get the guns! Drive, drive, drive, drive!

Bring me back my money! Donuts!