CheapShow - Ep 222: Die Hard... On A Podcast

Episode Date: March 18, 2021

Come out to the podcast, we'll get together, have a few laughs! This week is the thrilling climax to the many threads that have been dangling over the podcast for the past few weeks. Paul & Eli find everything they hold dear to be in danger when the terrifying "Hairy Brothers" and their goons violently take over the podcast. It's a race to find Bill Doughnut as he holds the secret to this whole nightmare, but will the Cheap Show Chaps and their characters make it out alive? There are double crosses, betrayals, sacrifices and explosions before the episode is done, and it's going to be a roller-coaster ride getting there. Yippee-Ki-Yay Mother Spoffer! Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-222-die-hard-on-a-podcast And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Oh, and you can NOW listen to Urinevision 2020 on Bandcamp... For Free! Enjoy! https://cheapshowpodcast.bandcamp.com/album/urinevision-2020-the-album If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid @ashfrith Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Also, you can NOW see Eli star in "Ashens & The Polybius Heist", download it from here: https://www.watchpolybiusheist.com MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop https://www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Paul is writing a book! Want to help make it happen? https://unbound.com/books/ghosts/ Send Us Stuff CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Previously on Cheap Show Um, box. I'm moving my old box in. Oh, just moving his box. Yes, Ruff Ruff. It's just that we've noticed you've been bringing stuff in and out of the podcast for a while, well, a couple of days now. No, I haven't. I just got here. No, no, I've just been... I haven't, you know, it's just me and Bill. Right, good, no problem, good.

Right, Bill? I've just got one more question, Bill. Yes? Bill, I walk past your room that you share with Larry. One, where is Larry? And two, there are all these sounds coming out like

blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub. What's going on? What's all the sounds? What's all the, I don't know, chemistry set sounds? There's some funny smells

coming down the hallway as well. Isn't there, Paul? I'm used to just, I really don't have... Ruff, ruff. Come on, come on, Bill. Time to go. Look, I'm sorry, guys. This is enlightening, this conversation. Ruff, ruff, ruff. Come on, come on, Bill. Time to go.

Shall I sing this song? Sorry, guys, this is enlightening, this conversation. Ruff, ruff, ruff. I've got... I'm busy. I'm a busy man. I'm trying to build my empire back up. Ruff, ruff, ruff. So, Bill, you know, I'm happy to help you, mate, but I need to, you know...

Come on, let's sing a little song. I've got one. I've got a box of secrets With photos you can't see And if the police ever catch them They'll happily arrest me. I'll burn a box of naughty photographs.

Come on, Bill. My naughty box of photographs are going to the shops. Bob, Bob, Bob. There they go. What's all that about? Brandoff, he seems to be up to something there. Yeah, I'm not happy with this. He's probably got Bill Donut wrapped up in something, and I'm not happy. Tiddly-ponty-tum-dee-ah.

You don't have to keep up with the pretense with me, Bill. Yeah, I know. I'm just keeping an eye out, just in case. Got to keep up the fucking pretenses, mate. They'll be here soon. Well, I hope they are, because, you know, I'm trying to rebuild my image, Rob. I won't do to be out in a car park making some kind of deal. When did they say they'd be here?

If this deal goes down, we'll be walking away with millions and millions of quid. I know. One more deal. Listen, whose contact is this? I know. I want it to go right.

I'm using the cheap show pods as my lab to make this lovely, lovely bottle of squatch. Well, we hope so. This is what I've sold it on to the Hairy Brothers. My contact. I need to flip this quickly. Yeah. And then get back into established businesses.

All right, there. Hello, I am Hans Hairy. Nice to see you, Mr. Brandol. Ruff, ruff, hello. Hello, Hans. Yes, Ruff, Ruff. Nice to see you. Good evening, Hans.

Long time no, uh, fuck you. I am pumped, Harry. Can I zip him apart yet, brother? All right, listen, listen, Palm. Calm down, right? Listen, you calm that little shit of yours down. We're going to do a deal, and I don't want any loose cannons ruining my fucking deal. Randolph, just get into the car with the suitcase, would you, mate?

Uh, I think I might, I might have a little try. Just take... I'm gonna try a bit, come on. No, not that jar. No, not that jar. No, what, this jar? No, not that one, the other one. Oh come on mate.

Just the other one. No, not this jar. What difference does it make? They're all the same right, Bill? Start the engine, Brand off. They're all the same right, Bill? Start the engine, Brand off. Brand off!

You do not turn that key in that car. Oh shit. I'm unscrewing it. Oh god. What's that? What Oh shit. I'm unscrewing it. Oh god. What's that? What's that smell? It smells like something. It smells...

That's... This isn't Squanch. Oh no. This is fucking Spank! Get the car started! Get the guns! Get the guns! Drive drive drive drive!

Bring me back my money! Donuts! I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap show You're gonna have to learn to fucking accept Cheap show Cheap show It's the price of shite Paul Gannon

Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheap Show And a go and a nuzzle Hello, welcome to Cheap Show I'm Eli Silverman, there's Paul Ganner Hello everyone, welcome to the Economy Comedy Podcast Where we go through the bargain vendors, charity shops and pound lands of Great Britain And bring you the treasure we may find amongst the trash

And, uh, yeah No, I'm not doing the waffling thing this week Because we always do waffle And you say spaff And I say flange Flange? You just said it What about this? When we find the flan amongst the flange.

The flan amongst the pigeons. Is that what you're saying? All I'm saying is that just for once, we should keep things tight. You've thrown the flange amongst the pigeons. I've thrown the flange amongst the pigeons. I don't even know what that is. Although I did read a fact where the inside of a vagina

is also the exact same makeup as the inside of a mouth. What? So the inside of a... What, it's made of flesh? Well, yeah, but it's the exact same texture and muscle. There's a tweet about it on QI. It's muscle, soft muscle. So yeah, it's the exact same interior. Yeah. I don't know why. It's not the exact same, is it? I'm just saying inside pocket of

mouth and... Do you have mucal discharge in your mouth? I said I didn't want to waffle at the beginning of this episode, and here we are waffling. You blue-waffled. Listen, here's the thing. This was sent to us ages ago, and I want to get it done. What have we got coming up on the show today, Paul?

Well, we've got some cheap eats. We haven't done it in a while, so we've done games for a bit, so let's do a cheap eats. And this is why I'm saying we can start with the thing events sent to us. Chip-a-chip-a-chip-a-chip-a-chip-a-chip-its. Okay, cool. What is it? I don't know.

Have we got Ganon's Golden Games coming up later in the show what else is there what's the second segment it's all cheap eats today what it's all food I've just eaten you're going to have to

eat some more now aren't you this week so we have these it's all food Yven who helps make the Cheap Show magazine not helps make she makes it

it's an amazing piece of work so Yven who makes the Cheap Show magazine, sent these in a PO box a while ago. And they're little biscuity things called Kruid Notten. Do we know what that means?

No. It says on the back, Knappage, bros, crunchy, crunchy, met, met, bonky, bonky, boo. Kruid is like a druid, but in a crew. A crew druid, a kruid. A crew druid. A crew druid. I have accrued some money. Do you want to go home?

I do want to go home. Right, hang on. Let's just try these. Can I get a huff on these? What are these? Some kind of biscuit? Ooh. Ooh.

What's that flavour? It's like Christmassy, cinnamony flavour. These are cinnamon biscuit buttons of some sort. They look like little rabbit poos, don't they? They've got an extreme, almost like, what's that cinnamon gum called? Hot Fiery. Red Dawn. Red Dawn's an action film with Patrick Swayze, I seem to remember.

No, not Red Dawn. Red Bean. Red Chew. What is it called? The cinnamon... Hot Bean. Hot Red. Hot Red!

Is it? Yeah. Red Beanie Chew chew smells like hot red gum good should i have one of these then yes let's have a try nice they're like christmas little christmas biscuits they're all right are they a big favorite or something are they like what's the background there maybe they're a thing that's popular at christmas or all year round they're christmasy they must be do you think this is a christmas snack well there's got snowflake oh no they're stars they're not snowflakes they're Christmassy. They must be. Do you think this is a Christmas snack? Well, they've got snowflakes. Oh,

no, they're stars. They're not snowflakes. They're a little snow. They're little Christmas things. It's a Christmas snack. Isn't that Amsterdam?

Because like all the narrow buildings and stuff. Yeah, but it must be a Christmas thing. I don't know. Well, have you done any research?

What did she say? No, I just eaten biscuits. What the fuck? What's the next thing? Well, are you going to give a score to this or?

Six. Great, cool. I'll give it a six as well. Move it, move it, get down, get down, get down! I don't know. Hi guys! Hello boys, don't mind us.

We're just running away from things. We've got to stow this quickly. I know, there's a place down at the back of the pod. We can stash it there in my secret base. Okay. Follow me. What the fuck? What's going on with those two? And I still haven't seen Inchman.

No, I know. I don't know what's going on. What are they doing? What are they carrying? Can we just get outside the podcast for a bit? What the fuck is going on? I just want to talk to you outside the podcast about what's going on here. Hang on. Here we go. I can't do the show when we've got those lot coming in and out. We've got Larry Inchman

almost dead on his feet wandering around like a zombie. He kept saying, oh, oh, tarts, tarts in the sky. That's not Larry Inchman. I don't know what he's doing. What's he talking about?

All angels. He's going, the angelic tarts in the sky. We're going to have to have a word. He didn't say inch. He didn't say inch once. No. He didn't say inch twice. I haven't seen him say inch in weeks. He didn't say inch. He didn't say inch once. No. He didn't say inch twice.

I haven't seen him say inch in weeks. He didn't say I'll give you five inches. You know, all that stuff. I'll give you two. Or maybe do you want... How many inches do you want? Any of that stuff, Paul. I was kind of enjoying the lack of inches, frankly.

But on reflection, there's a problem here. He's off his nut. And why are they... What were they... They seemed very guffawful, didn't they? They looked frightened. Brandoff and... Brandoff must have gotten Bill Donut into trouble.

That's the only thing I can think of. He must have, yes. He must have gotten him involved. Bill Donut must be innocent in all this. Well, Donut, he's an alcoholic, isn't he? Yeah, he's a daft old, silly old fart from the musical era. Meanwhile, Brand off, as we know, is a criminal mastermind. I don't know.

There's something going on. I don't know. Do you want to listen? Do you want to go back down and then I can do the joke where I call you a cunt? And you go back in the... Oh, we haven't done that in a while. We do it every time. You could just call me a cunt right now if you want to save the time.

You are a cunt. I always say it. Cunt. Can now if you want to save the time. You are a cunt. I always say it. Cunt. Can I just add, I also happen to think you are a cunt too. Okay, good. Anything else?

We usually... Got a small dick. When we're meant to be getting our act together, what are we going to do? Also, those are definitely a Christmas thing

and we should have saved it for a Christmas episode. We should have maybe saved it for a Christmas episode. Those are cruid crotten. Necrotic... Necrotic. Necrotic poppets. Is that what you're saying?

Let's just call it. Let's just get back. All right, let's float back in. What the fuck was that? Was that gunshot? That was gunfire. Hang on, I'm going to go over to the porthole. Hang on, I'm going to float over.

Hang on. What the fuck is going on down there? I'm going to look down in the little porthole. Look down. It's not a porthole. It's a skylight. There's a skylight along the roof of the pod here. It's a moon window. I don't know look down in the little porthole. It's not a porthole. It's a skylight. There's a skylight along the roof of the pod here. It's a moon window.

I don't know what the fuck you want to call it. It's not a moon window. It's a window. I'm going to look through the window. All right. It's a skylight because it's at the top of the pod. It's a round window. Is it round?

I think it's more of a sort of lozenge shape. It's not a lozenge shape. Let's look through it anyway. I'm going to look through it. What's going on? Mate, there are people coming into our podcast with guns. What the fuck's going on? Who, there are people coming into our podcast with guns. What the fuck's going on? Who are those two guys?

They have weapons. They're looking for something. Oh my god, they just shot up your fucking record collection, mate. Bastards, who are they? My god, someone just fucked my You Don't Know Jack game. I made that up, I fucked it up. I'm trying to pass it on to them. They didn't.

They're not fucking anything. I screwed it. They're rounding up all the characters. They are. They're pushing him through into the lounge. Look, Inchman doesn't look good. They've got Inchman. They're dragging him along.

He's out of his fucking head. He's foaming in the mouth or something. Jesus Christ. Oh, no. They've got Lady Plops and Squishy Jim. Wait, I'm going to float over to the lounge space. Okay. I'm at the lounge window.

I'm looking through. All right. Yeah, all the characters have been pushed into the lounge. You've got them all in there. Jesus, they're all terrified. What are they... Is that a picture... Are they holding up a picture of Bill Donut? Bill Donut?

What? You know what? I'm not having this. I'm going to speak to them on to the intercom. Use the intercom that's on the roof there. Hang on. Let me press... Excuse me.

What are you doing in our pod? Yeah, and stop manhandling all the characters. Yeah, stop it, you can't touch lady plops like that. What do you want? What do you want? All right, who's this? Is this Paul and Eli? Yeah, my name is Paul and that's Eli. Well, my name is Hans Hairy. Hairy Hans, I just got that and it's my joke. Hairy Hands. I just got that and it's my joke. I am Hands Hairy. Yeah, what are you going to do?

You need to produce Bill Donut. He's done us wrong and he's got some money. Bill Donut's a lovely old doddery fart. What do you want him for? He's no doddery old fart. He's the top underworld chemist. Hang on, hang on, hang on. Eli. Yeah? Bill Donut's a chemist. I didn't know anything

about this. I didn't know anything about this. That must be what he's been doing and I don't know he must have been making drugs in our podcast. What? Hang on, wait. So yeah, all right, so yeah, he's a donut. So what, what, what, so what? What do you want from us? Unless you produce said Donut, Bill Esquire Donut, we will be killing one of these motley crew of assorted characters every five minutes. Oh, fuck off, are you? Bullshit. Bill Donut is an innocent man. You don't think I'm here? I'm very serious. If you don't leave straight away, I will. Well, there's not much I can do. Listen.

It's a threat. I am going to threaten you. Listen, this is my brother, Palms. Oh, yeah, that's me. I'm Palms. What do you like to do, Palms? Oh, I like to take people. Yeah? I like to rickety off the prick. Right.

And then I like to eat the prick. You eat the prick? And that's just for starters? That's just for starters, right? So, you... I like to eat the eyes? Now listen to me. He likes to eat the eyes.

What else? Go on, sorry. Er, just ass. Oh, I... Thanks a lot, Palms. I like ass, eyes and dick! Paul and Eli. Yes, no, we're here.

You want to know how serious we are? Er, yeah. Yeah? We're going to kill killer character now, eh? No, you leave those characters alone. They are near, near, dear to us. Produce Bill Doner? No, no, he's an innocent man. You need to go or there will be trouble. Right, Palms, grab one of them. Doesn't matter which one.

Err, John Carnie Hall, err... Come with me, come with me right now. What is this all about? You know, I was hoping for... Come with me right now. What is it all about? I was hoping for... Come with me right now. I'm only John Cunninghall, I've got nothing to say. Why you pick on me? Oi, leave John Cunninghall alone. He's a very popular apparently fucking character. Oh please, Paul, Eli, this John Cunninghall, they're serious. They're really serious, they're gonna kill us all. Please help us. Look, John Cunninghall, don't worry, they're're gonna kill us all. But please help us.

Look, John Cunningholt, don't worry. They're not gonna kill you. It's just an idle threat. Eli, they just killed John Cunningholt. He just blew his fucking brains out all over our fucking... Those fuckers, who are they? Alright, we're gonna look for Bill Donut and bring him to you. Just don't kill any more characters, alright? We'll kill one every five minutes until you... Can we make it ten? Alright, ten minutes, alright. Ten minutes? Listen, we'll be killing them. You just get us...

Otherwise you'll be out of characters pretty soon. Yeah. Well, there's quite a few down here. Just pace yourself, alright? Don't get carried away. Ten minutes. Listen, who's in the position of bartering here? I'm bartering with you, with the life of the characters. I know, but I'm just thinking for everyone to have a kind of easier time with this, why don't you? Get me. Donut and my money. Alright, we'll go and get Donut right now.

Here, Palms. Yes, he is. We weren't expecting them to be outside the podcast like this. No. You're going to need to do what you do so well. You're going to need to go out there find them. There's got to be some access to the outside bit somewhere. One of these rooms somewhere. You find them and you do what you do so well yeah. You do what you do so well. Chardis, bike to Chardis. You can do that afterwards. If you could just kill them because they're gonna be we need the money. I do's do that i do it i gotta do it

mate we've got we've got to get connie i know but luckily paul is serious tragic but it's only john cunio yeah but it's just they they'll move on to some of our more popular characters if they if they touch madam lady plops and Squishy Jim, I'd fucking tear them apart with my bare hands. I saw that one. I saw the short one. What are they? The hairy palms. I saw him. He was looking at Lady Plops. I know. I could see from up here the look on his face. Did you see that? Do you see the look he gave

to Tignetti? He's never seen real gang violence. He hasn't seen violence. He hasn't. He saw Judgment Night once and thinks he's a gangster. He really does. He's terrible. He's terrible. Look, listen,

the point is that we've got to get to Bill Donut. What are we going to do, Donut? What was he saying about Donut? It doesn't matter. We need to get to Bill Donut first so we have some kind of bargaining chip, right?

And then we can get him to explain itself because this is obviously Brandoff's shit. It must be something Brandoff has set Donut up with these hairy brothers or something.

It's got to be. This has got to be how it's going down. We've got to protect Bill Donut and get there as soon as we can. Let's go. We've got to go back to the back of the pod where he's... Yeah, we could float down there right now, but we can't get in. There's nowhere there. Well, how are we going to get in? Hello? Hello, boys. Can you hear me?

What? Hello, boys. Can you hear me? Paul? Hello boys, can you hear me? Paul, I've got this... something's talking in my head. Yeah, mate, that's your conscience. No, no, no, there's a voice in my... It sounds like it's being produced electronically inside my head. Guess who, buddy boy? It is the one and only detective Private Eye, Jimmy Biscuits.

Fucking hell, Jimmy Biscuits is inside my head. No, he's inside my head because he's my character. What do you mean? No, I can hear Jimmy Biscuits. Hey, Eli, you sexy-looking motherfucker. How you doing, boy? I miss you. Jimmy, I thought you were dead, mate. Well, didn't you get blown up? How come... I've got so many questions. How come I can hear you and aren't you dead? I mean, there's two questions. There's a story as old as time.

I escaped. And then the other thing is, when you were lying on the grass with the ambulance outside the exploded piss limo bar. That's where I thought you died. Remember that paramedic who patted you on the back?

Yeah. That was me. I put an implant in your back. Now you can hear me. I've been tracking you. Tracking you with my technology. Okay, can I turn it off if I want to go to sleep or something? I heard everything you do.

Just listen to me. You bark. You bark during wanking. I bark during wanking. Listen, Jimmy. Woof, woof, woof. Right, Jimmy. You think I can sleep?

You think I don't have a burden? I heard all the mucky things you said to that phone line lady. Oh, put it there lady. Stick it there lady. Jimmy. Frattle what lady? Jimmy. Oh, lady, lady, lady.

Jimmy, I'm glad you're alive. What are you two? You're just talking to yourself. What's going on? I'm talking, Paul, to Jimmy Biscuits inside my own mind. He's put an implant in and he survived the piss limo explosion. All right, Jimmy, if it's really you, answer me this. Right, you recount it. Or can you hear me? I can hear him. He can hear me. He it's really you, answer me this. Right, you recount it.

Or can you hear me? I can hear him. He can hear me. He can hear you. He can hear me. Yeah. Right. Jimmy, what's your birthday?

That is 14th of November 2020. He says 14th of November 2020? Yeah, that's him. He always lies about his age. So, yeah, that's him. All right, good. All right. 2020?

I know. I gotta keep things a secret. Fucking Jimmy. What are we... Jimmy. I've been tracking Brando from behind the scenes living amongst the darkness

and the swamp life. I've been sneaking around pickety-tuckety-doo. No one saw me hiding here, hiding there, looking, squirting,

looking and squirting. He's doing... Paul, he's just talking a load of shit right now. All right, okay. Fair enough. I'll just wait this out then. He just talking a load of shit right now. All right, OK, fair enough. I'll just wait this out then. He's talking a load of that Jimmy Biscuit shit that we all... Right. Who's those...

Are those... Those thugs that have taken over the pod? They did seem like bad boys, especially that one. Is he a psycho or something? He eats all the meat. He won't leave you but nothing but bones. They call him the Bone Stripper. That's the bad boy.

But listen, I'm going to help you bring down Brandoff and the Hairy Brothers. The Hairy Brothers need to go. Listen, I've hacked your pod. I've done the schematics, and if I open up that hatch on the side, you can crawl in and in amongst the air vents and make your way through to the end of the pod without being seen.

Okay, and then... All right, great. Paul, Jimmy said that he's hacked the pod and he's in control. He's got the schematic, the blueprint for the whole thing, and he seems to have control of all the electronic locks and intercoms and doors. And he's going to let us in. How many

segments down is this hatch? It's about 712. We've got to go. We've got to go, Paul. 712 segments down, and he's going to open the hatch. Thanks, Jimmy. All right, I'm going to open it now. We've got 30 seconds to get in. Go, go, go.

Thanks Jimmy. Alright, I'm gonna open it now. We've got 30 seconds to get in. Go, go, go! Paul, we've got 30 seconds to get down to segment 760 or whatever. We've gotta go mate, we've got no time. Just pull yourself along and kind of scooch through the zero grav. Scooch? Scooch right along!

Get these run, these handles. Oh god. Oh god, I'm sick. Fucking hell, mate. How long? Oh, God. Jesus Christ. It's nearly there. They're weird, though, these in my head.

You believe that, do you? It's closing. Come on, keep going. Oh, no. The hatch is closing. Quick. Quick. Quickly.

Oh. Come on. How far now? Jimmy, he says it's this one here. Come on. How far now? Jimmy, he says it's this one here. Come on. Here it is. Come down to the coast. Have a few laughs.

Make a podcast. That's what he says in Dio, isn't it? Yeah. That's what we're doing. That's what we're doing this week. I think they may have picked up on that. No, come on. We've got to get in the hatch, though.

Stop. All right. Where do we drop down from? Just here. Oh, just here? Jimmy says it's here, yeah. Where are we now? It's like, what? I to get in the hatch, though. Stop, stop. All right, where do we drop down from? Just here. Oh, just here? Jimmy says it's here, yeah. Where are we now? It's like, what, I've lost track after, like, 500 segments.

We're at 762. Jesus, yeah, we're right near the back. We must have passed Don't Get Mad, Life Hacks, fucking hell. That thing I did with those band names. Remember that? Remember that, yeah, the folk thing. Yeah. God, we even passed that take a break magazine section

fucking hell stunk of piss fucking hell and death alright so come on it's here you jump down I'm not doing it

alright I'll go first here we go careful oh no he made it down Eli yeah I'm down can you see anything

no no it looks it looks fine the coast is clear, Paul. Hello, little boy. Oh, my God. Oh, look, I cut the fishy. I cut the fishy and I'm going to eat the little fishy. Now listen to me. Now listen to me. Come here. Come here. I'm going to eat you.

Paul is very close and he's armed. What are you going to do, little Paul? You're not going to do nothing. Little Paul, you're not going to do nothing. Listen to me, Palms. You don't scare me, right? I saw the picture of your penis from last week. It's a dick tasty. Do you know who my dada is? Who's your dada? Storytime Grandpa! Yes, I was gonna say. You kind of nicked that off Storytime Grandpa.

A twist, right? I'm all about the dick. You're all about the post-it family. Listen. Yes? What you gonna do? All you gonna do is lie down and die, boy. Oh, I'm gonna eat ya. Paul, if you did have some kind of plan, now would be a good time. Here comes me. Oh, good.

Oh, he's landed on him. Oh, that's right, Paul. Give him a... Give him a... Hit him. God. Hit him. That's right, Paul. Give him a... Give him a... Hit him. God, hit him. He's choking me. Quick, get me something to hit him with. What should I do?

Useless fuck. Paul, here's a Tommy toy. Use that. Yeah. Oh, it didn't kill him, though. Almost. Oh, it's on again. Oh, there's another Tommy toy here.

Paul, I'll hand you this. That almost killed him. We just need one more Tomy toy. One more toy. A big one. The biggest Tomy toy. Here it is. Here you go, Paul.

That will finish him off. Use that. Wow. I think that worked. Oh, his brains are all out. His brains are all out on the floor. Are you okay? He nearly choked me to death.

He did nearly choke you to death. He sat there like a fucking useless wank. It's a good thing we had that trio of Tommy toys. It was. So, I think we hide the body, and I'm thinking we stick it in that horizontal dumbwaiter that we've got. Horizontal dumbwaiter? That would be the first use of it.

Ever on the show. It's good though. It goes all the way along the pod. All along the plot point. And you just wind this crank and then it will... No, you don't have to wind the crank anymore.

Do you know what? We can send a message. We'll send a message to the other hairy brother. Oh yeah. That will fucking scare him. I got a plan. Come on, we've got the upper hand now.

We need to put him in the... Tell me me business. Put him in the horizontal, I've got a plan. Come on, we've got the upper hand now. We need to put him in the... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell him we mean business. Put him in the horizontal dumbwaiter. Yeah. With a little message. Mate, I've got a little message. I've got a plan. All right.

I've got a plan. Here, leave it with me. Here What's that? Oh, if you beg my pardon, sir I believe that's a, uh A dumb waiter It's for moving things along the pod Props and wit, not, not, not

Who sent us? Who sent us something in there? Listen You, oi. What? No! Since you know so much about the business of this fucking place, you go and see what's in there. Go on. I don't want to do it.

Oh, don't make her do it, you brute. I'm Squishy Jim. I can do it. I... Oh! Oh, don't hurt Squishy Jim. Don't you hurt my Squishy, okay? I'll do it. Lady Blossom, you hit me. Don't you dare hit my Squishy. Well, you gonna do what I want?

I'll do it, I'll do it. Squishy's gonna get squished, love. I'll do it, I'll do it. Oh no, it's a body. What? Get out of the way! Palms. What have they done to you? Oh, these fucking slugs. Why? Palms. What have they done?

All these fucking slags. They've left a note written in some sticky liquid on his jumper. What does it say? It says, Ho, ho, ho, I came in his mouth. No! I'm going to kill those two podcasters. How can I get hold of them?

Right. Paul, Eli, I know you can hear this. Unless you produce Bill Donut right now, I'm going to kill every single last half-baked character here. Hans, Bubby, I'm your white knight. Paul and Eli trust me like a brother, so let me talk to them. I can guarantee you they'll surrender if you let me talk to them. No one else needs to die here.

Alright, good. Why didn't you say earlier? You have a little talk with them. See if you can persuade them to come now. And just one other thing. If you can't, I'm going to kill you. Now listen, boys. They've given me a few minutes to try and talk some sense into you I know you think you're doing your podcast

And I can appreciate that But you're just dragging this thing out Now look No one gets out of here Until this guy gets his hands on Bill Donut And that just ain't gonna happen With you two messing up the works Capisce?

Fuck off What's that, Ash? He was chasing us around a forest. He expects us to be his mates now. Fucking prick. What a prick he is. Paul? Eli? Hello? Hey.

What am I, a method actor, Hans? Babe, put away the gun. This is a podcast, not television. Who knew, Ash? Right, you three, keep an eye on all of these hostages. I'm going to have to deal with this myself. Fucking hell, are we nearly there yet? No, we're just in one more segment and then it's their quarters.

Oh, look, Larry Inchman's just passed out. God, he looks emaciated. It's like he's been milked to death. He does look like a bit... He looks like the guy from Seven on the Bed. He looks a bit bloodless, doesn't he? Is that what happens if you're emptied of spunk? How would you know that?

I don't know. That's why I'm asking a question. Anyway, sorry, sorry. I'm getting distracted. Is that Bill? That's Bill there, yeah. Bill! Bill, mate! Hey, Bill! Bill, mate!

Hey, Bill! Oh, boys, what are you doing here? Well, Bill, terrible things have happened. What? These two people, they call themselves the Hairy... Well, one of them's dead now, but they were the Hairy Brothers. The Hairy Brothers? Yes, have you heard of them?

No. Well, they seem to know you because they've taken everyone hostage and they had guns and they had got everyone hostage. And they have guns. And they have got henchmen. And they've killed John Cunninghole already. Not John Cunninghole. We managed to kill one of them. But they want you, Bill.

They want you. What do they want you for? I don't know. I'm just silly little Bill Donut with the songs and the pip-pips. They're coming for you. They seem to want to do you harm, Bill. If they come for me, I won't be able to protect myself. I'm just a weak, feeble old man.

You are, aren't you, Bill? Yeah, what am I going to do? Well, I took this handgun off of Palms. Why did you take... I didn't know he had a gun. He had a gun. He just didn't... He could have shot me.

He was pointing at me. Yeah, but, you know, I didn't plan it, did I, Paul? You chopped down on him. I guess he didn't have time to reach for his gun. Well, anyway, the point is, I've got this gun, and I think we should give it to Bill to... Oh you think so?

Bill, listen, all you have to do is just squeeze this bit. I've taken it off the safety, okay? And you just... You sure you want to give it to me? They're gonna find there's loads of them. Yeah give it to him because I ain't gonna be able to protect him. Okay, here you go Bill. A little old gun for me? No. What a stupid fucking thing to do.

What? Mate, you have both been played by Bill Donut. The lab man. The fucking criminal drug lord of all time. You're the lab man? You've wandered into my little fucking plot. Now admittedly it's all going off the rails somewhat, but I think I've got a little plan. Bill, we trusted you. Yeah, Bill.

You provided music. Bill, I sound like a Coronation Street actress now. Bill, what are you doing? You'll never get away with this. Oh, I'm going to get away with it, because I'm going to be lost in a fiery explosion. What do you mean, fiery explosion? You can't look for a dead man, can you? What are you talking about? Yeah, what are you talking about?

Over the past few months, I've been wiring this podcast with explosives. I thought there was a funny smell. And it's going to go off in about five minutes' time. What? I've got a little plan to escape out of this pod with all the money, all the drugs, and leave behind two dead podcast hosts and a cast of awful fucking characters. Fucking hell. And you're going to burn.

Follow me. You're coming down to my little bunker. Yeah, OK, you're coming. Don't prompt me with a gun. Ow! Donut, you evil man. I've played you all like fucking Muppets recently. And Bill Donut is going to be singing the finest of music

at the end of all this. Here we go, here's my little grotto. You two get it, get it, stand over there! Ruff Ruff! Hello? What's all this? Hello Bill, we've been expecting you Ruff Ruff. What's that fucking prick Hans Hairy doing here? Well you didn't expect me to let you take over my patch, did you, Rof-Rof? No. What's going on? I tell you what, Bill.

Yeah? You've been double-crossed, Rof-Rof. Double-roffed? Double-roffed hard. What's your little plan here? We'll take the money, and then you'll die. Well, guess what? You can have the money.

Good. But we're all going to fucking die. What? Because in about, I don't know, two minutes this whole podcast and everyone in it is going to be blown into oblivion. Oh, Brandoff, what's he talking about? Well, how are we going to die?

What's he done? Ruff Ruff, what's all this, Bill? What are you talking about? You madman. Since we're all playing a little tune tonight, let me end with my magnum opus, which is a nice fiery ball of death. Why not go down together, like the old days? Remember we said we'd all go down together? Well, it looks like we're all going down tonight.

Are you trying to say you've rigged the whole pod with explosives or something of that nature? I said that. Okay, good. You don't pay fucking attention. I just wanted to be clear on that, Ruff Ruff. It is very fucking clear. Ruff Ruff, this is ridiculous. Bill, call this off.

No, we're all going to Ragnarok. We. Mate, what are we going to do? We can't get out. Our podcast is going to blow up. What's the plan here? Perhaps I can contact Jimmy Biscuits again. Jimmy?

Jimmy? Are you there? Are you there contact Jimmy Biscuits again. Jimmy? Jimmy? Are you there? Are you there, Jimmy? Sorry, guys, sorry. I was too busy watching Magnum P.I. for notes. Paul, he's still there. Jimmy, what are we going to do? They're going to blow up the pod.

I've got to grow a moustache and get a Ferrari. I know that for a fact. Jimmy, it's really serious. We're going to die. Please, we can talk about this later. We just need to save our life. How are we going to get out of the pod? They're going to blow it up.

I'm just doing tippy-tap on my computer. Here we go. Paul, he's doing tippy-tap on his computer. Aye, I see that there's a hatch just to your three o'clock. If you can get to that at the right moment, you can jump out and avoid the explosion. That's all I can do for you. I can't stamp the clock.

Okay, but that's fine, but... That's not a great plan. I mean, what about our podcast? How are we going to... We're thrown deep into the void. Yeah, what are we going to do about that?? How are we going to... We're thrown deep into the void. Yeah, what are we going to do about that? What are we just going to do? Okay, you're going to need to find some kind of rope

or something you can tie together. There's no... Anything. Noodles. Noodles. Noodles. There's a wet pack of noodles right here, Paul. Yeah.

Look, I'll tie this round, both of us. Right, right, come on, Paul. Tie this wet. It's an udon. It's quite a thick one. It's an udon noodle. Right, okay. Ten seconds and counting, boys. Are you ready to taste death? Jimmy, we're secure. Blow the hatch. Blow the hatch. Okay, I'm doing it now. You've got to run there. Three, two, one. Goodnight, boys. Jump, jump, jump, one.

Goodnight, boys. Jump, jump, jump, jump! Well, that noodle did nothing. The podcast is completely destroyed. It's just the noodle did nothing. The podcast is completely destroyed. It's just the noodle did nothing. It was a stupid fucking plant. What's the point of tying it together? It's made of wheat.

All we did was tie the noodle to each other. We didn't tie it to the ship. Well, here we are. Oh, look, there goes Lady Plops's leg. Yeah, yeah. There's Teen Yeti's chin, you can tell by the beard thing. There's a whole sort of cloud of wagon nuts

orbiting him forever into the... All my board games made just... There's bits of board game floating around here. So what's... what we do? Mind out the Dark Castle's bigger. So what? I mean, will we reach another podcast system if we try for long enough?

I don't know what we do now. We're just floating in the void. Have I told you about sources? I could talk about that now. Oh, no. No. Hello, anybody? Jimmy! Jimmy, Jimmy! What's that? It was Jimmy. I think we were out of... Is Jimmy still in your ear please?

He was but he was cutting out his Peace, not police, ear police is a weird thing He is ear police in a way I guess he is, yeah Hey boys, could you meet me? Jimmy, I can't Listen, what are you? No, he's gone, I can't

Can you say anything to him? Jimmy? Tell him where we are Jimmy, we're in, we're are. Jimmy, we're in... We're in inter... We're in a blackness. Interpod space of some sort. I don't know.

I can see right over there. Yeah? Right over there. What is that? There's the dollop. See, it's that big one. Oh, wow. There's the dollop floating out there.

Oh, perhaps we could just sort of wash up against that. Maybe, that'd be nice. But that's light years away. Yeah. Although, that Joe Rogan one's closed, but we'll give that one a first. No, we should swim around that one. But that's light years away Although that Joe Rogan one to close ball Give that one a first fuck that No, you should swim around that one

Ask him if he's got a plan Jimmy? Jimmy? Do you have some kind of plan for this? Paul, I can't make out what he's saying Okay, well Yeah, sorry Alright, well tell me about pickles, then.

Well, the... Or sauces. You can pickle anything. Did you know that? Almost anything. What kind of stuff? I'm hoping a Jaffa cake just sort of goes... Pickled Jaffa cake.

Goes in it. Well, yeah. I mean, that's the thing, isn't it? We had a podcast. We had a place to podcast. I think we could have gone more pickles. Maybe if we'd gone less sort of character and more pickle, this wouldn't have happened.

You might have avoided all this. This wouldn't have happened. A bit depressing. There's a fragment of a sort of Rubik's toy or something. Yeah, I think so. Or Lego. Yeah. Wanging up.

Wanging up. Oh, there's Uncle Grumbly's balls. How do you know they're here? You never forget. Thank you. Thanks for watching!