CheapShow - Ep 223: The Mustard Hall of Fame

Episode Date: March 26, 2021

How can Paul & Eli possibly continue looking for cheap treats when everything they know is destroyed? Luckily Jimmy Biscuits has one last trick on his sleeve and it returns the bargain boys to a very familiar location to carry on delivering economy comedy content! This week, there is a packed bag of cheap eats, some delightful and some utterly frightful and Eli gets to slather himself in Sauce Report goodness. There's also a Price of Shite for the ages, with a truly upsetting collection of charity shop tat. We also learn a lot about mustard. Which is a surprise to everyone! Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-223-the-mustard-hall-of-fame And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Oh, and you can NOW listen to Urinevision 2020 on Bandcamp... For Free! Enjoy! https://cheapshowpodcast.bandcamp.com/album/urinevision-2020-the-album If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Also, you can NOW see Eli star in "Ashens & The Polybius Heist", download it from here: https://www.watchpolybiusheist.com MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop https://www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Paul is writing a book! Want to help make it happen? https://unbound.com/books/ghosts/ Send Us Stuff CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Okay, okay, they're trapped, they're trapped, oh my god, they're trapped in the pod void, what am I gonna do? I can't reach them, I'm just gonna have to hope, I'm losing the signal, I'm losing the signal on them, I gotta track them, I gotta beam them, I gotta shift them to another reality, that's what I gotta do with the last energy in my computer systems, I gotta beam these guys to another reality ever so slightly different from the one they were in? Can I do it? Of course I can do it. I am Jimmy Biscuits.

I am the king of can I do it. I am the prince, so I got it done. Here we go. Here we go, lads. Good luck. Good luck to you wherever you go next. I'm Jimmy Biscuits, and I can do everything. Here we go, boys.

Engage. Engage. Here we go boys. Engage! Wait, where are we? One minute we're floating in a void and the next minute we're on the high street. What's going on? Hang on, this is near where I live, Paul. Look, there's that fish and chip shop. That used to be called... No, it's called... It's not called that. It used to be called the Codfather. Yeah, the Codfather.

But look, now it's called the Hip Place. Place spelt like fish, as in the place. It's a type of fish. And look, that's Supermarket. It used to be Morrison's. And now it's Morrissey's? Anyway, this just looks familiar and yet unfamiliar. Hang on, I think I'm hearing something.

Hello boys, Eli. Eli, can you hear me? Who? Who? It's Jimmy. Jimmy's talking through me again. Ask him what's going on. Tell him why we're here. Jimmy, I can hear you. I'm reading you loud and clear inside my mind. Can I, um... So what's happening, please? Cos we don't know where we are and the fish and chip shop changed its name and also a supermarket. Yeah, OK. Well, listen, I haven't got much energy left. Please, because we don't know where we are and the fish and chip shop changed its name and also a supermarket.

Yeah, okay. Well, listen, I haven't got much energy left. I've beamed you to a slightly different reality to the one you were born from. Paul, he's saying he's beamed us to a slightly different reality where previous occurrences never, never need have happened or maybe have happened or whatever's okay. Yeah, that's not exactly what I said, but it's close enough. No, listen, listen, I had to do some horrible physics to get you there. I had to destroy the Eli and Paul that existed in this universe and replace you two in their place. So, you can't... Cool, he's just saying a load of Rick and Morty rip-off shit. I hope you hadn't seen that episode yet

Anyway, I haven't got too much energy left So I've got to say goodbye Good luck in your new dimension Treat it well Hopefully we'll see each other soon Goodbye, Eli Goodbye, Jimmy And Paul, goodbye

Bye, good luck Jimmy? He's gone, Paul He's gone But he has Basically, to sum it up Good luck. Jimmy? Jimmy? He's gone, Paul. He's gone. He's gone, but he has... Well, basically, to sum it up, we've been transported here. It's a different timeline.

Blah, blah, blah. Let's continue the fucking thing. All right, well, I was going to... Let's just walk up to the original House of Pickles. All right. Oh, it's all boarded up. Oh, how is it boarded up? I mean, what...

You know what? Right, let's just do this. Welcome to Cheap Show. Exactly. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap Show you're gonna have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap Show.

Off-brand brand, off-brand brand, off-brand brand. Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap. Cheap Show. It's the price of shite. Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheap Show And I go and I nuzzle Hello everybody

Hello I was saying hello to you though, was I? But I'm saying hello to them as well I'm saying hello welcome to Cheap Show my name is Paul Gannon this is Eli Silverman this is Eli Silverman I am Eli Silverman you have to prove to yourself you're Eli Silverman

hello everybody yes we are some people and we're doing Cheap Show we are we are some people doing a podcast you may think what's up the fuck up with us and the point is we're back in the show this we are we are some people doing a podcast you may think what's up the fuck up with us and the point is we're back in the hop the original ogh yeah and nothing's changed it still stinks there's still a mound of clothes in the corner the detritus of your life the source display i have noticed the source display look at that how much source look about my commitment i

think it speaks to paul my commitment to sauces and the listenership. There is a homemade Scotch Bonnet. Why? Why do you think? Scotch Bonnet jam. There is a large proportion of listeners. Just across from you. I'm not looking.

Look at it. I'm not doing it out of spite now. Look at its glory. I'm not going to look at anyone. Look at the glory of the homemade chilli jam. I am not looking at anything you call glory. All right? There's a glorious row of sauces.

There's a glory hole of sauces. Look, there's those a glorious row of sources. There's a glory hole of sources. Look, there's those sex poker cards. Yeah, there's your glory hole of sources. Now, look, Paul. Do you want me to take that off your hands? Yes. All right. I don't want those.

They're very nasty. Or you could win it in the next Cheap Show Raffle. Is your number 1276? Because if you did, you have just won sex poker. No, you haven't. For adults only no we're not we shouldn't

we're not giving it away no we shouldn't even talk about it we will move on I hope you cut this bit might do might leave it up right up until you mention it

because you went for this raffle sort of impro and I didn't want to say this is stinking up the whole room no what stings up the room is your room

what stings up this room is you no it was extra stink I was smelling extra extra stink you can't smell extra stink there is because you get a baseline stink that you just get used to. What is the best?

Oh, yeah. And you live in it, and it's a baseline. It's all right with you. That's true, right. And then a new smell comes in the house of pickles. Ooh, my siren goes off. What is that? You know what it was, the stench of, Paul?

What it turned out to be? Oh, God. The stench of your weak-ass raffle improvisation. It's like you come in, and there's a wave of... It's a yeasty baseline. There's a wave of... It's a yeasty bass line. There's a vomit-inducing wave of stench emanating. Oh, come on, mate. You love it.

You're great. You're excited. You're energised to be back in the house of pickles. I'm just wondering what vibes we're going to get from this. You know, what vibe? Well, there's... Just to remind people, there is the Mount Groppans over there,

which has some famous inhabitants. Why is it seeping? I've never seen your mount seep before. It's not seeping. It might be a bit dusty. It's either seeping or sweating, either way. It's riddled with tunnels. It's riddled with gross saucy tunnels. No, look at the jam.

Talking to your microphone. I mean, Christ, this is just... Another thing, Paul. The more things change, the more they stay the same, right? I talked about that list in The Guardian of 30 sources to try in lockdown. That's up there, the more they stay the same, right? I talked about that list in the Guardian of 30 sauces to try in lockdown. That's up there, Crystal. There, see this big bottle of it, Crystal. Fucking hell, that's good.

30 ways to choose your sauces. Don't have the habanero, Jack. Just have some salsa. You've bit enough more than you can chew. I like where you can chew. I like where you were going. Yeah, you see what I mean?

Give me some other types of sauces, quick. Chipotle. Jose. Chipotle, Jose. Don't eat all your Chipotle, Jose. Tabasco. 30 ways to eat your sauces. Okay, Tabasco.

Let's have a laugh, Tabasco. Let's have a laugh, though, Tabasco. Tabasco, yeah. Let's just do this for the rest of the run time. I've already run out of ideas, though. Well, there is more sources. If you've liked the source chat that's been going down, there is more sources coming up in the show today, isn't there, Paul?

There is indeed. Paul, what is coming up in the show today? Well, ladies and gentlemen, on the show today we are going through the PO box, because we've had some lovely things sent in, and there's so much that we've filtered it down to a few items we're going to do today. So we've got a big stuffed cheap eats segment. It's exciting.

And why is that amusing to you? Just thought of something. Go on. It's like a sausage made of cloth. No, I'm stopping. Stopping that. A sausage made of cloth. Yeah, split and open.

A draft excluder. Or fur. Split and open. And sausage made of cloth. Yeah, split and open. A draft excluder. Or fur. Split and open. And, and... What? Stop it. Stop... Are you talking to...

Me. Then please listen to yourself. Okay. And then in the second part of the show, just as I was leaving the house, a box turns up and it's got a price of shite in. We haven't done a price of shite in a while, as far as I remember.

That'll tether me to some sort of structure. I don don't know your eyes are watering right now and it's a strange look oh mate it's just good to be back in the house of the pickles it is there's pickles in it poor another thing calm down you're getting overexcited just gonna make a general guess about yeah the house of pickles like yeah i wonder people must wonder how much actual pickle is in the House of Pickles or pickle waters. Pickle a baseline of pickle. Just without looking Paul, how many jars of pickle water do you think are on that

table? I'm just going to preface this by saying on the Micah table, the famous crazy design for Micah table. Before I go any further, I do want to say that an adult man should have no sources ofle water. We're not talking about sources now. Should have no pickle water.

Pickle remnants? Should have no remnants of pickle. Oh. But it's you. So by your level of engagement. On an average day. I'm going to say a jar. One solid jar of pickle water.

One of them's homemade. Look at my homemade pickle waters. Come on, reach behind those pokey sticks. I am not bringing pickle water into this. I might bring it. You've already got a lot of sauce on the way. We've got some cheap eats. I'm spoilt. You're spoilt today. I can't do as much eating because I'm a tooth.

Which, you know. You had some teeth pulled. Yeah, because it was the most excruciating pain I've suffered in a while. Tooth pain, man. It's like back pain. It's one of those nerve pains. It's just not good. It's one of the worst pains. It's a bad pain. It's the bad, pure, it's like pure pain. It's a bad pain. Do you know what I mean?

It's not like, oh, a scratchy pain. Piercing. It's just pain pain. Piercing, thudding, growling, hissing pain. Yeah. Stabbing into your jaw. It's not stabby, it's more achy. It's very stabby. It's more kind of like someone sticking

an ice pick in your jaw and twisting it. And then it gets into your ear and the whole of your jaw and then sometimes even your arm feels funny because of the pain.

Either way I think I cried for a day straight. But I'm a few teeth less today and that's my own fault. And are you sat trying to

It just means I have to eat carefully. Are you trying to make excuses for why you're sounding like a fat-mouthed twat? And all lispy and stuff. Yes, a little bit. Alright, okay, fine. I accept it. No, no, it's fine if Eli wants to be the kind of person who bullies people over the sound of their voice.

I'm not bullying you about it. Or takes the piss. Fine, I don't know, fat-mouthed prick. With your slit, actually, your words. With my slit? Yeah, with my slit. You're coming back to the fucking cloth sausage now no I'm not you're coming back

no slit no cloth sausage come on mate what we've got a letter or something to do now it's all in the bag

of goodness that we're going to do throughout the episode alright but aren't we going to go to the sound effect or have we gone to mate have we gone to... Mate...

Have we gone to the theme music? Is this your first episode of Cheap Show? It feels like it. It does! Yeah. Have we gone to the theme music yet? We started there. We've come out the back of that. Oh, okay, you're right. This is the real show now, the girth. I'm having trouble, for some reason,

orientating myself to the structure of the podcast. Oh my God. This is going to be an interesting episode. I might need another coffee halfway through, Paul. I would take all the coffee you can get, mate, because frankly,

you're a fucking omni-shambles of country right now. Oh! Got a good mind? Pull your pants down, put you over my knee, smack your bottom. Finger my arsehole.

Well, no, I mean... You'd end up doing bottom. Finger my arsehole. Well, no. I mean, you'd end up doing that. No, I wouldn't. Yes, you would. I'd certainly ask permission first. Well, of course you would. And then you'd say no, and then it wouldn't happen. Well, that's what I'm saying.

I'm nipping it in the bud. Good, and I don't have to have to deal with a stinky pinky, so we're all right. Sounds like a awful cartoon show, doesn't it? Stinky pinky and and the Cloth Sausage Oh god Oh dear That's good I'm picturing them

as well One is like a like a digit a pinky finger but like with a face Yeah And then

Cloth Sausage is just a Cloth Sausage with a face Yeah of course speaks for itself I mean it writes itself. It's like a little caterpillar or something.

Anyway, that's how we're starting this week's episode. Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Hello. Welcome to Cheap Show. Welcome to Cheap Show. We haven't even done that stuff. But it's a comedy comedy podcast where we go for the bargain bins, charity shops and powerlands of Great Britain. Now I press the sound effect button.

I don't know why you're laughing. I don't know why I'm laughing either I don't know It's good though I like your mood So this is the Cheap Eats segment of the show Where we go through the bargain bins The charity shops

What the fuck No we don't No we don't Do you want me to explain Cheap Eats Yeah please do While I look at this letter Cheap Eats is a segment of the show People

I'm going to start saying people Instead of ladies and gentlemen What do you think of that Just carry on I'm not doing any fucking banter with you in the intro. Just get a gun. Be fucking professional. Good week time, people. Good week time.

Good week time, people. I'm Eli Silverman. Here to explain... Yeah, we know. I'm here to explain a segment of Cheap Show that we like to call Cheap Eats. Paul, don't we? That is a segment of the show where we taste cheap food and we give you the unbiased lowdown on what we think of it and we'll give it some kind of rating of some kind there are certain sub success subs there are certain sub segments paul of fuck off out this pod you want me to go outside the pod you're asking for a

fucking no you're asking for trouble there you want to go outside this is what i'm doing this exactly we're not doing this exactly no i'm not doing it carte blanche tabloid or whatever it is tabula rasa tabula rasa i'll have uh one of those hummus and uh tabula rasa please great stuff still haven't done the intro yet have you because you interrupted me no because you were saying nothing i said i't done the intro yet, have you? Because you interrupted me. No, because you were saying nothing. I said I've done the basic umbrella term, Cheap Eats, and now I'm filling in the details. There's a certain very famous and influential sub-segment of Cheap Eats. It's known as the Source Report, Paul.

And there's no denying the Source Report. And the Source Report keeps coming. And the Source Report's coming over the hill. And the Source Report is here. What that coming over the hill? Is it the report is here. What's that coming over the hill? Is it the source report? Yes. Is it the source report?

Thanks for reminding me of that tune. Is that your favourite song ever? No, fuck off. Something like that. Didn't you say that? There's another Suggs segment. Suggs. Right, I'm going to do the rest of the episode on my own.

We've got a bit about Suggs out of madness. Suggs segment. Right, can we stay focused? So, it's cheap eats time now, as we know. It's been hard to get some cheap eats because some stores have been closed and whatnot. A lot of lockdown problems getting the cheap eats. Yeah. So we've relied on P.O. Box donations and we have a letter which has something that we were pointed to on Twitter and we've gotten our hands on now.

And we did try and hunt it down, both of us independently. And it was hard. So we're very grateful for this. So Ian, thank you very much. He says in his letter, as soon as I started listening to episode 221 and you were talking about Bobby's pretzels, I felt incredibly guilty. Okay.

Well, we don't want to know. Yeah. We don't want to know. It's best I don't know. My local convenience has been stocking them for absolutely months. Well, he hasn't got any. That's what he feels guilty about.

He's going on to say what he feels guilty about. Well, he's sending them. He doesn't need to feel guilty. He's got it. Well, he hadn't feel guilty he's got he hadn't sent them before well now he wasn't up to the minute sending them straight away anyway ian sent some bags of bobby's pretzel oh yeah so bobby's we've loved on the show before i think i'm gonna like these paul i think i'm gonna like them they've got a cheap bag which are only 69p each now compared to other similar pretzel bite things well the thing that we do an off-brand brand off comparison with if we were to yeah would be snyder's the american brand pretzel pieces which are great but can go up they get pumped up yeah to like 170 even for my bag so so since

you've been struggling to find them uh i've sent you both flavors they also had the director's cut pretzels which i ate which were directors what there was like director's cut pretzels, which I ate, which were tomatoes. Directors what? What? Like director's cut pretzels, they're called. Oh, I've never heard of that. And I ate them. They were nice. They were tomato and chilli. Paul, you ate them? Yeah.

And here's the thing you'll love. I thought this was a socialist collective. Yeah, but just so you know, eating them was what caused the toothache. Oh, really? You cracked your tooth on a... Well, yeah. You wedged in a bit of... No, whatever it was, eating them set it off and then it all got horrible.

So in many respects hoist by my own petard careful with these bobbies ones yeah I'm going to be very shattery probably but he does he does say here in the letter

they were almost twice as expensive and looked much cheaper which is true when I opened them they looked posh you know tinfoil bag kind of thing

what's the brand again director's cut I wonder if they do perhaps there's a four hour bag there's a Snyder Cut joke but it doesn't really land. Anyway,

he threw in a can of pop that he got from Tesco which unfortunately, Ian, did burst in the bag. What was it? It was some kind of elderflower lemonade

Tesco thing. It looked nice but it did leak. Luckily, the books he sent, he sent three books to me as well which are all Ghosts of Liverpool

which is great. I'm going to have a read of those. Before we get on to the pretzels, here's one little thing, which I didn't know, but he says, in some sad news and an almost spooky coincidence, in the time between buying the bobbies and writing this letter, I received the text from one of my old colleagues. I found out that the lady I called Sue, or Margaret, I can't remember. So he's, Eden's the guy who wrote the letter about the woman who walked through the shop and left poos

and became Lady Plops. Right. So he's saying the friendly cleaner who was the hero of the tales from the shop floor I sent you.

I remember. Yeah, which went on to spawn Madam Lady Plops on Squizzy Jim. She has passed away. So the original Madam, I mean,

it's not fair to call her the original Madam Lady Pops, but the lady of that story has passed away. I won't give her a real name, which is fair enough. Yeah, you don't want to be associated with this filth. But she was a truly lovely woman I remembered fondly.

And it's a tribute that one of her undoubtedly countless shitty adventures will live on through the pod. Rest in peace, Sue or Margaret, whatever you call them in the letter. That's quite something. So there we go. Sadly, she passed away. The inspiration for Madam Lady Plops. I'm glad she never got to find that out.

Well, it's not that she herself was the inspiration. It was the story that was the inspiration. Yes. Because I'm sure the image we all have in our heads of Madam Lady Pops. I'm trying to remember, though. She really added to the story, didn't she? Because she said something. That story had a sort of...

I can't remember if it was the same story about the woman who... Because the story was the lady cleaner cleaned the whole thing. And the next morning it was like, why are all these shit stains everywhere? And it was because the woman left the trolley and she smeared it through. But then I don't know if it was the other lady who was doing little lady plops out of her leg. No, it was a pair. It was a couple. All I know is that there's way too many shit stories on this podcast. Yeah. And it's good to bring up shit just before we eat, isn't it?

I love doing that as well. So let's carry on. So there are Bobby's two pretzel crunches, two flavours. There is cheddar cheese and honey and mustard, which seem to be

the standard pretzel bite flavours. What do you want to try first? I'll try the other one. There's honey and mustard and cheese. I'll go for the honey mustard, please. I'll open the cheddar. Now, I'm going to do a quick snuff. Get your snuff all trowned in there.

Not a huge smell on this one. Quite a... A subtle flavour, this one, actually. A bit vinegary, this. That makes sense, though. Do you want to sniff my bags? Yeah, I want to sniff your bag. Oh, yeah.

Oh, they smell like... What? What are those? Cheddars. They smell like cheddars. Yeah, well, it's cheddar cheese, isn't it? So, there you go. Yeah, but they smell just like cheddars.

I'm not feeling good after the half report, mate. Let's have a look at them. They don't... Well, no, they do. They do look like broken up massive bits. They look exactly like Snyder's. Yeah, they do.

I'm going in. Nice crunch. Nice flavour, actually. Yeah. Not too overpowering. Can I try the cheese ones? Let's drop these. Those are...

Alright, I'm going to try the... What is it? Honey and mustard? Yeah, and I'm going to try the cheddar cheese. You see, it's like some people might say there's not much flavour, but for me, that's the right amount of flavour. It's like it's not overpowering.

For instance, the director's cut ones were slathered in that fake tomato powdery flavouring, and it was way too much, I seem to remember at the time, where I couldn't finish the bag. Weirdly, they're quite subtle, aren't they? On the spectrum of how overflavoured something like that can get, you've taken a quid off the price, and they're basically just as good as our sliders. Yeah, it's pretty good. Nice, nice. On the spectrum of how over-flavoured something like that can get, you've taken a quid off the price,

and they're basically just as good as those sliders. Yeah, it's pretty good. Nice, nice. All right, I'm going to give honey and mustard, I'm going to give them a score. I'm going to give the cheese one 3.5 out of 5, and 3.5 out of 5. I forgive them both, 3.5 out of 5. You didn't like one better than the other?

I think both flavours don't really do anything for me. If it was like a kind of pepper and salt kind of thing. You want the buffalo wings. That's the thing. The Sniders have the boss flavour. Yeah. Which is the buffalo wings. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which has that sour.

We've discussed it. Yeah. I mean, I don't know if Bobby's could do one like that. Are these the only two flavours Bobby's put out? I believe so. Yeah. Well, what flavour do you prefer? Come on.

Like a kind of sea salt or pepper kind of thing? No, out of the two available. It's weird because when I have a honey and mustard one, I go, I like that. Then when I have a cheese one, I go, no, I like that. So I don't know. I definitely think it's the honey mustard is stronger. Fair enough. Well, good. I kind of equal. More-ish. More more-ish, the honey and mustard, I'd say.

So lovely stuff. Nice. What are your scores? Yeah, I'll go 3. 3.5 for the honey mustard, 3 on the nose for the cheese. It's, again, another great Bobby's kind of snack. Yes, and absolutely fine. I would take those unless it was that flavour, the Buffalo Hot Wings flavour Snyders, which I'd go for.

Yeah. I'd scoop them up if I see them, because no one wants to carry those. People don't like it. People are so mainstream with their flavours, you know what I mean? You've got to be on the fucking outer edge of pushing it, where you fucking go I want that vinegary one that no one else likes. And you go, yeah.

And you say, I'm the Snyder. I'm in the Snyder gang. There you go. Starts off with a good point. And then it just rolls down the hill of fucking nonsense into a trough of fucking absurdity. Here we go. Take it away. I'm a snack maverick.

That's all I'm saying. That's all you've got. It's a subtle difference. Right, next bag. Moving on down the line. What's the next bag on the list, Bo? Here we go. Careful. Oh, he's put it all over the floor of the House of Pickles now.

He's scrabbling. He's scrounging around. He's got the scrabbles on and he's scrunching and scrabbling. He's gone down. He's got it all offles on and he's scrunching and he's gone down. He's got it all off the floor. He's scrunched it up here. He's got it up here now and he's got it. I'm just doing a bit. You're doing a bit.

I've got the scrambles in. Have you finished your bit? I'm doing it sort of like now. He's giving me a look everybody. The look is bemusement. Just so you can frame my face in your mind. Right, we've got this great big bag of stuff.

There's more stuff, more stuff. From Josh. Now, Josh, poor guy, had a bit of trouble getting his package to us because FedEx and P.O. Boxers don't apparently mix. It's been bad, especially since Brexit. Well, no, apparently if it's delivered by FedEx, they can't deliver to P.O. Boxers, so then I have to get in touch with FedEx and then get it delivered straight to me.

It's a weird fucking merry-go-round of admin. Oh, they don't do P.O. Boxers? But Josh, obviously, we've got the package, so thank you very much. He had a little letter. Hello, Eli and Paul. Hello. You're not going to make a point about who comes first?

No, it's fine. Good. He sent a huge box of stuff. We will get into it in other episodes, I think. Enclosed are a few of my favourite snacks and sauces for your consumption pleasure. Several are made in my ho-town of Portland, Oregon. My ho-town? Home-town. Mate,

I've got two teeth out. Give me a fucking break. I'm sorry. I'm like a vulture. Jumping on any little bits and little mistakes. I'm the vulture. I've also included a snack that made me wonder for which species it was intended, because it surely wasn't humans. That's the one I've got here, which we'll get into.

He's expressing an opinion. I'll leave it to you to figure out which one this is. Anyhow, may Keith's blessing be with you, Josh. How do you know it's this? You just surmised it. Because the rest of it was just kind of similar. It was just simple crisps. It was like ranch-flavored this.

This is the only unusual one. This is unusual. And when I mentioned it to someone else recently, they went, that's an unusual flavor combination. But I was like ranch flavoured this. This is the only unusual one. This is unusual. And when I mentioned it to someone else recently, they went, that's an unusual flavour combination. But I was like,

it's not in America. So we've got these crispy chips. Oh, I'm gone. Crispy chips made from 100% natural chicken breast and tapioca flour.

These are meat crisps. They actually have meat in them. It's kind of like chicken mash. It's like a chicken disco. Mechanically recovered chicken mash. It's like a chicken disco. Mechanically recovered chicken biscuit.

And yeah, apparently it is a chicken and flour crisps. And the flavour is chicken and waffle. Because chicken and waffles is a thing in America. They have chicken and waffle restaurants, fast food chains. But waffles are sweet, aren't they? In this instance, yeah. They're slightly sweet. Dear potato chips, go cluck yourself.

This is what it says on the bag. Yep, we said it. Potatoes are overrated. That's why we've dropped them from our ingredients like, well, a sack of potatoes. And then it says zing.

Oh. I don't like the attitude or presentation of these meat crisps. The company's called, what is the company called that makes these? Wild, is it?

WeAreWankers.com. Wild chips are a delicious surprise for your taste buds. Crispy flavoured chips made from 100% all-natural chicken breast combined with tapioca flour and crisped in expeller-pressed sunflower oil. A real chip you can

shamelessly snack on. It's air-fried, basically, they're air-fried. Do you want another pun? It says here, chips on their breast behaviour. Does that do anything for you? So this is an interesting crisp, and I don't want to take the responsibility of judging it. Eli is our resident snack huffer. Oh, that's not true.

I'll get the huff on. Yeah, I can't give that. Now, in terms of appearance, I noted when you showed me these earlier, I noted that it looks very deflated. But now that you've said they're not actually potato crisps, that they're actually made of a denser material, meat, it makes sense

that this doesn't look like... So it's like half meat, half Pringle, basically, right? Yeah. Weird. Is Pringle tapioca? It's the same kind of thing. It's like pressed flour. Tapioca is a type of... No, tapioca's different. It's a type of rice flour. No, what I'm saying, it's still a processed snack. That's flour, and then you... Look, I'm just...

Fuck off. Why are we getting all serious about tapioca, then? I don't know. I feel like I'm losing... Just leave it out, yeah? You know what tapioca looks like? Little tadpoles. You know what it also looks like, tadpoles?

Sperm. Right. And, you know, when you get a load of sperm all thrown together, what's that? I might lead the podcast. Go on. I'm just trying to lift it, man. Just sniff the crisps. We're talking about spunk right now.

I'm going to try a little hole. Hole puff. Oh, God, that's a face for the ages. I'm getting a meat and sweet combination. But the meat is all like scrapey meat. Scrapey meat. It's not a good, it's not good, man. And I, oh God.

You know what I mean? It's a sweet smell, but almost like a putrescent, putrescently. Yeah, that is like. It's a putrescent. Putrescence. You can smell the kind of maple-y sweetness of maple syrup. There's a maple-y sweetness. Very good.

Very good. But isn't there sort of a rot? But isn't that the... A sort of meat rot underneath it? I can't sense that. But isn't like chicken and waffle, you get the waffle, you get the chicken, and they put maple sauce on it? Yeah.

Is that the thing? So that's what we're getting here. There's something in America about having sweet with savoury that they just do more than any other people's. God, it looks like pig shavings in here. I'm going to take a crisp. They don't look like crisps. They do sort of look like a kettle chip. Kind of like a kettle chip,

but it looks more like a kind of thin pork scratching or something. They look like cassava chips or something. You can tell it's not potato. Can we agree with that? You can tell it's not potato. Yeah. Can we agree with that? You can tell it's not real food. Oh, God, I don't even want to. Why am I so disgusted by these?

Well, let's try one and find out. Here we go. I like pork scratchings. Yeah. No. No. That is... That is not for me. Oh, that's truly...

That is not fun. Truly bad. Oh, that's truly... That is not fun. Truly bad. Oh, it tastes like peanut butter. You know what it is? It's like maple. You've got waves of flavour where you get that sweetness coming in, and then right at the back of your mouth you get a little bit of chicken. A salty chicken come through.

Yeah, like, you know that kind of chicken you get in slices from Bernard Matthews kind of thing. Oh. Well, you know what I'll say? It's unusual. It's unique and unusual. Oh, that's really nasty. It's like you've just sort of been licking the roast chicken pan afterwards.

Do you know what I mean? It's got like... It's kind of a greasy gritty, a greasy gritty sort of consistency. You know what I mean? It's all, the way it breaks down, it's all gritty. I'm still tasting that horrible sweet. Ah, the maple comes in first doesn't it the maple really sweet and that kind of woodiness of the maple you know what i mean would it work as

just a normal crisp snack like if it was just on a potato would it would it be better or would it be still do you mean that flavor yeah because i think i don't think that's a very nice flavor for a crisp snack full stop and mix it with chicken i mean how much chicken is actually in that that one flake i definitely can taste real chicken, but it gives it that nasty, grainy effect. Yeah, but like, if you were to like

split that crisp apart and like, here's the tapioca bit and here's the chicken bit. It's like, how much of that chicken is it? Well, we can tell

by looking at the proportions in the ingredients, can't we? So then, it is the second, the first ingredient, the chicken. Right.

And then the tapioca. So there's more chicken than tapioca. So what's the process? They take the chicken right and then the tapioca so there's more chicken than tapioca so what's the process they take a chicken breast they grind it up or they they say it's chicken breast

do they say it's chicken breast yeah it says 100% chicken breast they grate it into like strands they probably blast it with high powered jets what the chickens

at walls the breasts just scrape it and then they've got huge squeegee mops and and they put it into funnels, and they squeegee it down. Do you see what I mean? Yeah. And mash it in the mashing ovens.

So it becomes a chicken mash. Yeah. I feel really ill. It's not good. But what I think is, right, the maple, the sweetness is very strong at the top, the front there, isn't it? That says to me, they probably tried to make a chicken crisp right they just were tasted a chicken or whatever yeah and they had to mask it they had to mask the unpleasantness do you see why did they go choose to make it a maple waffle and chicken the reason

why i've not just said these are chicken crisps if they're nice by themselves do you see what i'm getting at yeah i reckon it's because themselves yeah you're right they can't sell it to themselves what they do is people like chicken and waffles, let's make that the thing this is sold on. I wonder if they do anything else. Other flavours. If they do beef crisps. No, it must be some kind of

chicken processing plant technique. Do you know what I mean? The more I think about it, the more I really don't like the idea that I put them in. It's probably fine, but the idea of ground meat patty spray, you know,

violently blasted into tapioca powder. They don't taste good. They're gritty. No. Well, thank you, Josh. The texture is just not good. The other things in this box are much more palatable.

We'll save that for a nicer episode. Are we going to give that a zero? No. It's 0.5. Because I would give it a one. Because I think if you like chicken and waffles, you'd probably like that. No.

I like chicken and waffles. With the maple sauce. Why not? Yeah. It's a nice piece of fried chicken. No. A nice fresh waffle. You can tell it's delicious Honestly I can enjoy that kind of

Sweet Savory Combo Yeah If it's done nicely Do you know what I mean? Yeah yeah yeah No fair enough

I would still only give it one Those are disgusting Yeah they are Utterly disgusting It's not just because I Because I don't dislike The idea of Waffles and chicken

You know what they just man me off It's got the same almost consistency As those Smith's bacon snacks you get at the pubs, part of the Triumvirate. Oh, yes. It's almost like that weird bacon. It's like that thin. They're much nicer than those. Oh, yeah, much nicer. But it's in my head.

It's got a similar sort of dense crispiness. Yeah. But it has the gritty chicken pellets. You know what? I actually don't want to think little hard chicken pellets do you know what i mean all this sort of disintegrated chicken atom chicken hard shell chicken pellet atom poor chicken shavings it's what it is it's it's it's it's reformed chicken shavings grated chicken it's just fucking horrible with horrible woody maple do you know

what i mean i had to i had to put some coffee in my mouth to take the taste of that out. Bollocks. We're moving on. In the same bag, he sent loads of lovely snacks. But get your spoon ready for this, bro. Here's where Eli... I've got your little saucer. Eli's little nubbin begins to poke at the fabric and go,

Is it wakey-wakey time? And Eli goes, Yes, Winky. It is. I've got saucers. And the little nubbin goes, This is not going to be a new character, bro. My oh, this is not going to be a new character poem. My nubbing is not going to be a new character. It wasn't until you just mentioned it. I have

just remembered this thing that came to me the other night for a new sort of catchphrase thing. Yeah. Nub nubs ahoy. Use it in context. Just say there's some sauces or something. Alright, ladies and gentlemen, today we're going to be looking at two sauces that Josh has sent us. Nub nubs ahoy. Yeah, I don't like it.

Nub Nubs Ahoy! Nub Nubs Ahoy, you're proud of that. Get your spoon, Nub Nubs Ahoy. Let me just give a little bit of background before we get the spoons out, alright? Calm down. Nub Nubs Ahoy. He sent a box, had lots of things in, two of them are sauces. Have you heard of these before?

So we've got one called Beaver Hot Sweet Mustard. We've got one called Beaver Hot Sweet Mustard. And it's Hall of Famer Gene's Sweet Hot Mustard. His classic recipe. Yeah, baby. Rich with honey. I have heard of hot mustard. That was a bit of the writing on the back.

But I haven't heard of that particular brand, Beaver's. Apparently, it is a Hall of Famer Gene. What Hall of Fame? The Mustard Hall of Fame? The Mustard Hall of Fame? The Condiment Hall of Fame? Read the back of it. You see what he says. There's a little bit of stuff on the back. Now a Hall of Fame mustard maker.

What Hall of Fame? Is there a Mustard Hall of Fame? There must be. What, the Coleman's? I need to know about this. Coleman's Mustard Hall of Fame? There should be. You read that out and I'll look for it.

Now a Hall of Fame mustard maker, Gene Biggie got his start in the 1940s delivering horseradish across Oregon's Willamette Valley. Since then, his innovative mustards, like this sweet hot delight, have taken gold medals all around the world. All around the world. Wow. Mustard gold medals, Paul. Enjoy. Wow.

From the Biggie family. What, Biggie? Like Tupac and Biggie? It's B-I-G-G-I, Biggie. All right. So this is great, and it's called Beaver. I mean, this is, what a great product. Right, so apparently there is a National Mustard Museum.

Does it have an actual physical Hall of Fame in the Mustard Museum? It doesn't say. We know mustard, it says. From the Worldwide Mustard Competition to National Mustard Day, it all happens here. I didn't know there was so much to do with mustards. This is in America. I'll find out in a minute specifically where.

You can taste the expertise by clicking the store in our menu for blah blah blah mustards and stuff like that. Or stop into the world famous National Mustard Museum in person. Paul, this is all interesting, but not on the point of in which Hall of Fame Mr Biggie is with his mustards. Well, there doesn't seem to be

a Hall of Fame. There's a Hot Dog Hall of Fame. Maybe there is with his mustards. Well, there doesn't seem to be a Hall of Fame. There's a Hot Dog Hall of Fame. Maybe there's a mustard section of the Hot Dog Hall of Fame. And then there's a Colonel Mustard inducted into Barrowland Hall of Fame. I don't know who Colonel Mustard is. Could you just check out this guy? Search for this guy. All right, what's his name again?

Gene Biggie. Gene Biggie. That looks like... G-E-N-E-B-I-G-G-I. Notorious G... No, it just gives me loads of Biggie Smalls videos. Puff Daddy. B-I-G-G-I. Notorious G... No, it just gives me loads of Biggie Smalls videos. Puff Daddy. B-I-G-G-I. Yeah.

B-I-G-G-I. Gene Biggie. Oh, here we go. There we go. Beaver Town Food celebrates its 90th year with rebrand. That's the top story. Condiment industry master innovator inducted to Hall of... Fame.

Let's find out. Let's have a look at this. My guess, it's like the Biggie family had made their own Hall of Fame and inducted themselves into it. Yeah, probably something like that.

Gene Biggie, chairman of the Beaverton Food Inc., the leading manufacturer of speciality-branded condiments in the US, has been inducted to the Speciality Food

Association TM 2016 class of the Speciality Food Hall of Fame. There you go, Speciality Food Hall of Fame. Biggie was inducted on January 18th

at the Winter Fancy Food Show in San Francisco. Oh, go there. He was also included in the Association's Leadership Awards. Established in 2015, the Hall of Fame's mission is to honour individuals whose accomplishments, impact, contributions and successes within the speciality food industry deserve praise and recognition,

according to a press release. I think I'm'm gonna love this mustard paul chairman gene biggie said he was humbled by this notable honor of the whole company beaverton which is why it's called beaver brand i'd imagine he offers some insight into his career highlights since joining the family business full-time in 1950 during the 1950s 60s and 70s i developed horseradish mustards and sauces that no other company in the US or overseas were manufacturing, he explained. In the 80s, we were

the first to produce horseradish and speciality mustards and sauces in squeeze jars. We have been awarded more gold medals than any other speciality food company. I am honoured by the Hall of Fame induction and to be recognised for growing a successful fourth generation family business like my mother Rose

started in the Great Depression. So there you go. If you want to know more, go to fucking Beavertonfoods.com. Wow. So there's a lot of prestige behind this product. A lot more than I expected going into this segment. When he said he was a Hall of Famer, he was a Hall of Famer. He was. And we've learnt there is a Hall of Fame, specifically

of speciality foods. There isn't a Mustard Hall of Fame. What? But why is mustard a speciality food? This is what I wonder. Is condiments not a classification in this? I don't know. What else would be a specialty food? I guess if you think about it, it is a speciality because maybe they hadn't had horseradish as a major thing. You know what I mean?

It's like they dealt in a maybe niche market and were successful. If you make mustards and horseradishes you've got to deal with those don't you? Yeah. So that's your speciality. Right, get it open then. I can't get it open. He's using his mouth

everybody. Brilliant. I'll just suck up your saliva shall I? Just spit the edge of the thing. Why don't you just spit in my fucking mouth? Oh, it's very eggy.

It is eggy, isn't it? It's sulphurous. Mustard is sulphurous. That's what makes it hot. Now, just to make sure this isn't the baseline stink of this room is it before we go on? No. Because there is an eggy. It is eggy, isn't it? It's sulfurous. Mustard is sulfurous. That's what makes it hot. Just to make sure, this isn't the baseline stink of this room, is it, before we go on? No. Because there is an eggy atmosphere here.

No, there isn't. There is. No, there's a sort of beef. No, it's not. Well, it's only beef in terms of what comes out of your gut. It's kind of beef and veg. It's beef and veg. Your gut mist. Going for a beef and veg. There's seasons. The microclimate moves the smells around. And then they go to the higher ground.

So what season are we in now? Beef and veg. Oh, right. It's the beef and veg miasma days. So what are the seasons of Eli's year? Well, you've got beef and veg. Yeah. Then you've got the cold, icy, eggy winter.

You're going backwards now. And then you know. So spring is what? Beef and veg. Winter is? No, spring, no. Spring is beef and veg. Yeah, I said that.

Veg symbolising the birth of new life in the spring. Yeah. After spring, you've got summer, don't you? Yeah. So what's that? That is... I bet that's spices and hops. Something like that.

Yeah. It's spicy. Yeah. It's spicy, evaporating soy sauce. Yeah. If you want to talk about it. It's all very salty and spicy. Then you've got autumn, which is just fart.

Yeah, but what fart is it? It's a very straw-like, it's a straw-y fart. Right. And then you've got the icy, eggy coldness of winter. But they're not exactly analogous with our human seasons, Paul. The seasons of smell in the House of Pickles. We had joy, we had fun. Here's the seasons of my bum.

It's not all my bum. That's what I'm trying to say. And you know what drives this microclimate? What? Mount Groppants, of course. Yeah, of course. The hot air moves up to Mount Groppants, cools down, comes around.

It's to do with the eco-cycle of the scribbles. Diet and eco-system. Well, you think the House of of pickles isn't that big, but the scribbles and their excrement really plays a part. Yeah, and I'm just going to wonder if that's your excrement. Now, get your spoon. I'm going to lick the lid because there's enough on here for me to lick. That saves us a spoon for the next sauce then, doesn't it?

Now, we are tasting beaver. Go ahead, make some beaver gags now. We're going to have nasty beaver meat beaver sauce or jizzy jizzy beaver gism or something. I don't know. Say something random. I'm not. I'm just saying we're tasting beaver.

I said I left it at that. I'm trying to be sort of ha, ha, ha. The beaver is so sweet. You're going to lap at the beaver then? I'm going to lap. No, I'm just going to sort of take my medicine. Is that what you call it? Hello, love.

I'll take my medicine. Right. Squeeze it. Oh, he puts a big dollop on. Isn't that too much? That's a lot of fucking mustard. I don't think it's meant to be hot. What is it? Sweet honey? I don't think it's going to be... I could eat that much Coleman's. Okay. We're looking for sweet, hot notes. And by hot, it means

that sort of sharpness. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that mustard you've done already. No, I'm doing it now. I may have put too much in my mouth. Oh, that's lovely. It is lovely, though. Oh, that is really nice. On a hot dog, ooh.

On a hot dog, you wouldn't even need ketchup with that because that's nice enough on its own. It's sweet. Yeah. But it's not sickly

because it's got that real horseradish-y, mustard-y sharpness. Yeah. Oh, you know people talk about, oh, you know, American mustard is bullshit. Yeah. This stuff isn't bullshit. No.

This is just as good as sort of an English mustard. It's just because we define everything by Coleman's. Yeah. That's it, really. This is a different style. I like Coleman's. I like English mustard. But it's, you know.

That sweetness, just the balance of it is really something, isn't it? What a lovely beaver. We both like that. It's a lovely beaver. It can build a dam. I'm going to stay on metaphor. Keep focused on the metaphor. Is it a fanny or is What a lovely beaver. We both like that. It's a lovely beaver. It can build a dam. I'm gone. Stay on metaphor. Keep focused on the metaphor.

Is it a fanny or is it a real beaver? I'm thinking of both at the same time. So it's a fanny that builds a dam. Yeah. They build a dam in front of me. I can't get through. I'm not doing very well this week. Yeah, but you are saying quite a lot about your psyche,

so it's a high win. Next one. I'm putting the spoon on the table. Right. Next source is Secret Art Vogue. Next one. I'm putting the spoon on the table. Right. Next source is Secret Art Vogue. We didn't say this was the source report. Go on, then. Do it now.

You have deflated my gonads. Do it now, and I'll slap it in early. I'll cut this bit out and move it to the beginning of the source report. You have read an alternative magazine from the 60s, and it's detailed how you can inflate gonads by cutting a little hole in it. What are you talking about? And you've done that.

You've done that. You've cut a hole in my gonads and inflated it with a straw. What are you talking about? And now you've let it out. You've let all the gas out. Can we just do the source report? Look, I'll do the source report jingle for you now.

All I want you to do is make a very electronic do-do-do, like a ticker tape, like a radar or something. That's all it needs, okay? And I don't want anything else from you. Doot. Like that. Doot-doot. That kind of thing.

Don't ask me. You'll know when it's right. Source, source, source support. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. No. It's time for source. Source, source, source support. I like that, you know, with the events of last week, we weren't going to have shit songs from you anymore.

Mate, as long as I've got breath in my... That fucking waffle thing's really not good. It's coming back. Is it repeating? Is the maple chicken repeating? And a big wave's hit you by accident. It's got up your nose and made you go, like that.

Imagine that, but with chicken waffle crisp. But it was the mustard coming back up. No, it came through that. I got the sweetness of the maple. I did not get the mustard. That's disgusting. They are really bad. One of the most rank things.

I was prepared to like them as well. I didn't think they were going to be that bad, but it's just a strange fucking... It's a strange thing. Could you just do a doot-doot more metallic... Alright, okay. Hello, yes, and welcome to the Sauce Report. I'm Eli Silverman. It's a sub-segment

of Cheap Eats, and here we are. We've tasted one sauce, and there's lots more. Two more sauces at least to go. Now this is another that... What was his name? Josh. Josh sent these. What. Josh sent these. What? Josh and Drew.

Josh, he's done his mouth. He's opened it with his mouth again. This stuff as well. So this is aardvark, secret aardvark sauce. Habanero hot sauce. Do you want to read the back again? Let's have a little look at that. This is a lovely looking product.

Oh, yeah. Plastic. It's sort of got a sort of canteen style plastic bottle. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I know what you mean. Like a sort of on the table in a canteen. Almost like the kind of bottle you'd find a small orange juice in. Yes.

And it says Secret Aardvark, except it's got a flip. Oh, man. I just had a tiny bit of that off the tip of my thumb. Yeah, I'm not doing a full scooch. Yeah, I would definitely recommend you don't. Secret Aardvark, trading company. Aardvark Carbonero. Yeah, what's the little

blurb on the side saying? The flavour that kicks you in the mouth. I think you've experienced a little bit of that. Just a tiny bit. Not your usual hot sauce. Oh yeah.

A unique Caribbean Tex-Mex hybrid. I'm liking the copy on this. Yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? Alright. They don't have to sell it. No fucking chicken gags.

It's not the chicken the breast chicken available or whatever. After those crisps the only gag I would say is this is like you'll be choking your chicken after eating this or you know you think this taste of shit chicken the pun machine broke down there paul taste of shit chicken right not your usual hot sauce i said that last word on the subject they were foul okay that was what you were looking for. Thank you.

They're made with habanero and roasted tomatoes. Nice. So this has tomatoes in. Yeah. Great as a sauce, marinade, or holistic cure-all. Oh, here we go with the smart Alex shit. Rub this in your bum hole. It'll fucking cure your piles.

Let's not have fucking any more gags. Thank you, Aardvark people. Yeah. Great as a sauce, marinade, or holistic cure-all. Said that not have fucking any more gags. Thank you, aardvark people. Yeah. Great as a sauce, marinade or holistic cure-all said that. Dump on everything. The secret aardvark

compels you. I've gone off this. I've gone off it. And it has a recipe for how to make beer using this. Has it? Yeah.

Beer? Has that as a base? Aardvark red eye, brackets red beer. Yeah. Two ounces of tomato juice, 14 ounces of beer, one tablespoon secret aardvark carbonero sauce. Yeah. Pour the tomato juice into a beer mug, fill with beer. Yeah. Two ounces of tomato juice, 14 ounces of beer, one tablespoon secret aardvark

carbonero sauce. Pour the tomato juice into a beer mug. Fill with beer. Add the aardvark. A real aardvark. Salt to taste. Here you are.

Yeah. I do like the artwork, but I'm going to, like before, just lick that lid because from what I tasted off the tip, it's probably a good idea.

This is probably going to be enough. Save the spoon for the last sauce. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good, there we go. Sorted. So I'm going to have a little bit of this. Have a sniff. What have you got? Oh, it Probably a better, good idea. This is probably going to be enough. Save the spoon for the last sauce. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good, there we go. Sorted. So I'm going to have a little bit of this.

Have a sniff. What have you got? Oh, it's a nice, it's a nice, it's almost like a HP sauce smell. Yes, that's exactly right. Like a fruity.

That's the habanero is a very fruity pepper. Yeah. As well as being hot. Right. But tomato as well. So it'll have that Mexicali sort of,

more tomato-y so more like the Mexican style. Right, well that's, we'll take a very small amount. I'm going to lick this. Here we go. Oh, that's delicious.

Oh, yeah. Really nice. Oh, yeah. A lot of flavour going on there. And it is nice and hot. It's got a nice kick. Yeah. That's really lovely.

Oh, God. Both of those sauces, fucking... I'm going to have... I'm going to eat all of that. Right, come on. Let's roll on to the last one then. Well, we can. Okay, now the last one was sent to me

by my friend Ben. That one? Yeah, for my birthday. Oh, birthday sauce. I've got birthday sauce here. And tell us what it is. It is eaten alive. Yeah. Oh, God. Raw fermented foods. So this one's fermented, like pickles, Paul. Yeah. It's alive. Chocolate barbecue

fermented hot sauce. Fermented? Yes. Like a sauerkraut kind of fermented. Yeah. It's alive. Chocolate barbecue fermented hot sauce. Fermented? Yes. Like a sauerkraut kind of fermented? Yeah. Okay. A lot of stuff is fermented. Fair enough.

A lot of pepper sauces are fermented, but I think they're making a sort of selling point of it. Yeah. Leave it like that. That's fine. Otherwise, you'll be fucking filling with your lamp all fucking day, and it'll just drive me mad. Right.

Spoon. You're being so negative this week, Paul. I'm not. You are It's a mental health thing There's a residual fucking tooth pain thing Kicking in And I tell you what

Take some more tooth pain Does not like hot sauce I've just fucking realised Yeah No it would be the sugar Maybe either way I have to finish this off quick And then have a nice cool drink

Okay Yeah So spitty spotty Now this was sent to me By my friend Ben And he says it's very good with meat. The director of Erklankerman? That's right, yes.

And what do you think it would take hot sauce on, generally? When you're eating, would you ever reach for a hot sauce? I like it on pizzas. And I like it on fries. Okay, chips as well. Yeah, it's like chops and things like that. Yeah, delicious on those type of things. But he says this is definitely for meats.

Okay. Let's have a sniff. Very nice definitely for meats. Okay. Ooh. Shall I have a sniff? Very nice. Very rich. Ooh, yeah. Fruity, chocolatey, but sort of savoury chocolatey smell. Has it got chocolate in it?

Yeah. Okay. Chocolate and fermented pepper, I think. Oh, I'll just put it right up my nose. Sniff it. No, I did. I put it right up my nostril. Yeah, weird.

All right. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm looking forward to this. Here we go. That's actually a lot like PHP sauce. It's like HP sauce with a kick. Wow.

Wow. Definitely on meats, though. That's a steaky kind of thing, isn't it? Yeah, it's got that deep, deep umami from the chocolate, isn't it? You know what? That's three strong hot sauces in a row. And quite unusual, all of them. Well the mustard

is mustard but the two hot sauces I mean the mustard's but like yeah the aardvark thing was you know oh mate I've got a sweat on

Jesus. Lovely. I think my teeth are bleeding. They won't be bleeding the gums just the rest yeah everything

is bleeding in there. Your teeth are gone mate. I want a score. Okay so I'm going to go beaver out of five out of ten. It doesn't fucking matter does it?

No one's making note of this. Yeah well we just want I want you to sum up your thoughts then don't give it up. Okay I'm going to go beaver out of five out of ten. It doesn't fucking matter, does it? No one's making note of this. Yeah, well, I want you to sum up your thoughts then. Don't give it up. Okay, I'm going to give ten. So beaver, I liked it. It's not my favourite kind of sauce. I'm not a big fan of mustard, so I would say it's a seven for me. It's the best example of it.

Do you ever eat mustard on anything? Hot dogs, really. That's it. And that would be great for a hot dog. So that's a seven. The secret, Spirul. Arvok. That's it. And that would be great for a hot dog. So, perfect. That's a seven. The secret... Aardvark. Aardvark.

I would say, leave the lamp alone or I'll break your fingers. I will say, eight and a half. Secret aardvark, eight and a half, Paul gives it.

And eight for the chocolate one. It's fine. I think I'd get more use out of the aardvark. Really? Yeah, I'd want it on more things. It's more sort of general... Multi-purpose, yeah. Definitely. I would say, out of ten aardvark. Really? Yeah, I'd want it on more things. It's more sort of general purpose. Multi-purpose, yeah.

Definitely. I would say out of 10. God, fucking hell. Every time I burp, because I don't know what's going on, but I've got a burp. The maple comes back. The maple comes back.

It's ruined. It's like I'm getting this mustard maple chocolate thing going on. Paul, talking of food repeating on you, I realised the other day, what would you say is the worst repeating on you flavour of crisps? Oh, pickled onion.

Bacon. Oh, yeah. You know? Didn't that just, like, a eureka moment in your mind when I said bacon? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I ate a packet of crisps. I had a whole full meal on top of it kept coming through. And do you know what I mean? When you're doing a burp and it tastes of what you just ate, like, a few minutes ago, you're alright. But then after, the longer the

gap between it coming back and reminding you you ate that this morning. It's always that. And then you're like, it's disgusting. I hate this horrible stench of bacon crisps coming up. And it keeps coming back, coming back, coming back. All right, now, you've made your point now. So do you want to move on to your review of these sauces?

I need to review these sauces. I need to review these sauces. Do it quick, because I'm losing fucking hope. Honestly, one of the best sauce reports we've had in a long time. It's been a strong showing. I just have a little noodle news at the end of this. No. Yes. Beaver, 9 out of 10. Sweet and hot mustard. Nice.

Aardvark, 9 out of 10. 9 out of 10. Chocolate, fermented chocolate hot sauce, 9 out of 10. So they're all 9 out of 10. The woman who invented the Indomie noodle died, and she was very well loved in Indonesia, because she invented that noodle. Okay. That's a little The woman who invented the Indomie noodle died. And she was very well loved in Indonesia because she invented that noodle. Okay.

That's a little noodle report for you. You thought ending a segment on the death of a lady. I'm not ending the segment, Paul. I'd like to end it. I've got speciality soy sauce there. No, I'm drawing a line. I'm drawing a line. You've done your sauces.

That's a good one. Kinkerman, and it's special for stir fry. It's soy sauce especially for stir fry. You've done your sauces, mate. Thank you for listening to the Sauce Report. Thank you for listening to the Sauce Report, everybody. Next week on the Sauce Report. I'll keep bringing special sauce in.

Yeah, what's your special sauce? Is it cum? No. Is it maple chicken cum? No. Imagine if your cum tasted of... No, you know... Melon.

It's melon cum. Who was that singer who sang Days of Summer? John Mellencamp. John Mellencamp. I don't know why I thought... Just press the button. I needed to get something

out of that bit last bit. I'm flagging now, Paul. I'm flagging first. Enough, you haven't made me laugh in fucking years. I don't know why I bother anymore. You might make me laugh all the time. No, it's me. It's always me.

It's me, really. It's me on the inside. On the inside where I am. It's inside me. Right, he's gone. You're right. Let's just stop this segment. I told you.

you it's a fucking it's a fucking it's a fucking it's a fucking that's right right that was alright I like that one it's got a bit more I don't want to fucking buy a shirt. That's right. That was alright.

I like that one. It's got a bit more pizzazz. I came in too late. I'm sorry. Insert gag here. Insert gag there. Insert penis. Yeah, that was the point.

Insert gag. Where's me box of magic? Where's your box? I have a little scrimmage. So, we are playing the Price of Shite. And it is a beautiful P.O. box delivery. Now, I just want to say, I am in a receptive position for receiving... Yeah.

...Petwingeth. Oh, yeah. The twinkle, twinkle, little Petwingeth. How I wonder what you wingeth. Do they cometh down the stairs? We've lost him. At night they come, the Petwingeth people. In pairs. Yeah. That's just the platoon of people. In pairs.

That's just a rhyme. Thank you. Nice box. So it came in a little Clark shoe box, probably child shoes. Here's the problem though. It's a box of mystery because there's no name on it, but there is a sealed envelope with the price of shite answers on. It's got a lovely wax seal.

Wax, lovely seal. I'm not going to break that. I'm going to try and rip the top. Do you need to steam it? No, you're just meant to break it. Give it a breath, no, steam it. No, I'm just going to cut the top. Because you need to not break it, so you can give it...

I know. No, I'm not going to do that. And then just get it moist. Get it... And it all gets a bit damp. It's the look. You twat. So, the answers, and indeed maybe the answers to who sent the box,

are in this letter. Yes. Sealed with a kiss. So, do not open POS answers inside. All purchased in Kent. Is that all we've got to go on? That's all we've got to go on. And there's no top price.

No. Total spent. No. Estimate. No. So, for future people who want to send Price of Shite stuff in, Kent. Is that all we've got to go on? It's all we've got to go on. And there's no top price total spent estimate. No. So for future people who want to send Price of Shite stuff in, maybe put your name on it, maybe give us an idea. It's not a problem right now, it gives us an extra challenge. Not a problem. So I'm going to put it up here. Put it up there. Careful you don't knock

anything off my... I'm going to put it on your cactus thing, whatever that is. It's a cactus, candy coated cactus ring holder. Candy coated cactus ring holder. Candy coated cactus ring holder. You could have looked at my jam. You could have just looked at the jam. We could have enjoyed it together. Pickle and scotch jam.

That was sent to us, wasn't it? Scotch bonnet. Yeah, that was sent to us, wasn't it? Yeah. Yeah. I haven't dared. I would never dare eat that. Why?

What did you put it on? It looks like a serial killer made it in their basement. I mean, has it got an eyeball in it or a finger? It's got scotch bonnet jam in it. Well, give it a go. All right. Just give it a go for sight. No, not now. Pass it over. Come on. Not now. I mean, has it got an eyeball in it or a finger? It's got Scotch Barnet jam in it. Well, give it a go. All right.

Just give it a go for science. No, not now. Pass it over. Come on. Not now. Pass it. I'll give it. I'll do it for science.

We're doing Price of Shite. Please focus. Naughty boy. There are four items in here. Ooh, give me. All bought in Kent. That's all we know. All bought in Kent.

So what do you feel? What are your feelings about Kent and how that might affect the prices? I have none and I have no. Okay. Nothing. Okay, nothing. Nothing. Yes. This is a tabula rasa. Oh, come off it.

I don't even like salad. Tabula rasa salad. I'm going to do the Lion King joke again, probably for the 80th time. Tabula rasa. It's a blank page. Pass me the first item. It means no nothing. I can see a little hand in there. Two little hands. Here's your first thing. Oh, it's a blank page. It means no nothing. I can see a little hand in there.

Two little hands. Here's your first thing. Oh, it's a nude doll. It's a nude headless. No, the head's down. Oh, it is quite disturbing. It's very disturbing. The head's in the cellophane with the body.

This is a very pink Barbie style, would you say? A nude Barbie style cheap doll. With the tiny waist and the, you know... The titties. And the severed head. And the severed head, whose hair has been taped to the face. So it looks like a...

This looks a bit like a Wookiee. Like a lady Wookiee. Shall I see if I can get the head on? By all means, try. So I pop the head onto the nub in here. Yeah, because it's got a weird nub in on the top. I'll pop this lady's head onto this nub in here. Yeah, this is just...

Everything about this screams no. Let's see if I can get the sound of it onto this nubbin here. Yeah, this is just... Oh, everything about this screams no. Let's see if we can get the sound of it popping in. Oh, God. I'm just trying to get the hair out of the way. This sounds vulgar. There wasn't much of a... There was something. Yeah, that's what she said.

It's so... It's having looking at a nude Barbie sort of design like this. Yeah. The hands are tiny. Well, that's the thing, isn't a nude Barbie sort of design like this. Yeah. The hands are tiny. Well, that's the thing, isn't it? This is probably taken from a Barbie mould. You know, like a... Yes.

A master mother mould. Yeah. I didn't realise it was so distorted, especially in the extremities. Oh, yeah. Wasn't there like a piece of art where they tried to make a realistic design and like she wouldn't be able to stand up?

No, she wouldn't. But anyway, naked Barbie doll. How are you feeling on that? It's mint on card, Paul. That's something to mention. It's not mint on card because it's in a bag. The head was off.

That's the first time the head's been on. Nub nub ahoy. No, don't. Just stick that in there. Stick the nub nubs in. That's the first one. Do you have any rough idea

how much that must be? I'd say quid. I was going to say quid as well. All right. Are you writing these down? No. You do something for a change. I will.

You focus. You be in charge of points. And what the points mean? Per twings. Points mean per twings in this game, Paul. Because as we like to score. Are we going to explain what scores are we? If we get spot on the price on the nose, then that is a nice chunky two per twings.

Per twing, per twing. If, however, we're close to the price but not quite Within 25p either way of the actual price That's just a betwing And that's all we're doing Because we don't know the parameters We don't know the order It's very basic rules we're going by There's no bonus betwings here

This is basic betwingage And how many items do we have? Four So, if you got all four You would score eight betwings That would be a huge haul of betwings That would be crazy I could only dream of eight betwings That's the most per twings you could possibly get on this game that's too

many per twings i don't think it's attainable and also what makes that less attainable paul is the fact that we don't have any upper limit we're groping in the dark we are groping in the dark no we're not groping we're stumbling stumbling around i'm pissing i'm pissing into the corner because i believe it's the toilet because I drank so much. He's pissing by the bins and then being shouted out by his boss. And then I vomit

like a very particular square crisp spring onion flavour that was floating around back then. Now that we're back in the house of pickles you've gotten 60-70% dirtier.

It's bizarre how just being back here is... It's fine. I've set up the graph, Paul. Right. Good. There's P and there is E,

and those are the two players who will receive. Let's hope we get one per twingeth. So if you say a quid, I'm going to say £1.10. First item, which is the nude Barbie. You're saying £1.10? Yeah. And I'm saying quid on the nose. Yeah, speak into the mic,

so I don't have to fiddle with the fucking levels every time we fucking edit. Right, next item. It's... What's this? Okay, Paul has handed me this box. I can see it's branded Disney Frozen. It's an ice block soap.

So it's soap. It's a character in Olaf the... Oh, it's Olaf, isn't it? What's the name of the snowman? I haven't seen Frozen. Well, neither of us. It's got a really annoying invisible piece of tape. Rondell.

Yeah, I hate that. Oh, I'm squeezing it. He's squeezing it to please him. I'm scratching it off. You should get a little knife and just cut it. It's coming, he's squeezing it to please it catching it off you should get a little knife it's coming it's coming just rip it i'll take a picture later oh i've got it out there you go so it's a block of soap yeah and it's got the character sort of snowman the old frozen inside it ironically it smells of soap it's got a sort of aqua blue scent doesn't smell awful but yeah it's got a it's that fresh blue wave or whatever't it? It doesn't smell awful, but yeah. It's that fresh blue wave or whatever. It's that kind of smell, isn't it?

It's not right. It's a fresh blue wave smell. I don't know if I'd want to rub the snowman's face on my gooch, though. I would. I mean, come on. Let it go. That's if you think about that. Let it go.

Rub it on my peribium. You're using that soap now. Let it go. That soap's got feelings. Yeah, it's definitely got nice feelings. Oh, right on me gobbage. There, you got me with gobbage. Yeah, there you go. That soap's got feelings. Yeah, it's definitely got nice feelings. Right on me gubbidge. There you go, gubbidge. Yeah, there you go.

Right, the other thing about this is it's sort of an aquamarine or translucent-y soapy thing. It's not very translucent, that's what I was going to say. It's not very translucent. It doesn't look like ice, which is meant to be frozen in ice. Well, it's too blue for ice, Paul. That's just what I'm saying. Like a see-through clear white translation.

Yeah, clear. Alright, fine. Then I read ice, maybe with a little bit of frosting. Yeah, right. Where it goes a bit less. You can do the price

this time out. What do you think? Oh, I say the price first of this? Yeah. Well, it is mint on card. As in it came in its box. If you say mint on card

one more time. You'll kill me. No, I won't kill you. Will you kill me? Will you actually attack me? No. I might attack you. Imagine how tense it would be

next week. Well, there wouldn't be a next week's episode. What, I'm going to kill you and then do another episode of this podcast? You would. You'd do it from jail. You'd have me living inside you like a little, you know, like an inside person. God. Right.

I'm going to say £1.50. Oh, I'm going to say 75p. You've made me go first twice in a row. I haven't. Yes, you have. I said a quid before, didn't I? Well, then I'll go twice next. You have to go first twice in a row now. I have to go first twice in a row. I haven't. Yes, you have. I said a quid before, didn't I? Well, then I'll go twice next. You have to go first twice in a row now.

I have to go first twice next. Yes. All right. Happy weekday time, people. No, stop. Let's at least pretend we know the English language. Fatati ha ha. Fatati ha ha.

That's my new catchphrase. Apparently she does. Yeah. How does she? Fatati ha ha. Right. No, it's not that good. Oh, come on. Just write down 75p for me? Fatati ha ha. Right. No, it's not that good. Oh, come on.

Just write down. 75p for me. Fatati ha ha. Fatati ha ha. 75p, Paul. And I said, what, £1.50? Yes. It's the quality, the mint on card-ness that I'm bear.

Stop saying mint on card. This is, Paul, a hand warmer in the shape of a frog face. Simples. Simples. We've had a few hand warmers on the show. I like a novelty hand warmer. Remember we had the football ones as well recently. We had the football ones.

I have a Mexican Day of the Dead one. Oh, yeah. It's nice, that one. It looks pretty. So, it's a similar thing. You probably snap a little disc. It's got filled with a clear fluid and a little snapper. Yeah. And the back, you can see where the snapper is and then you're setting it off now it should probably crystallize and start warming up oh it's exciting it's science i don't think

it's doing it great give it here just do it again give it here oh there it started now oh right there you go i needed to give it two clicks oh it's mad the way it does it though isn't it mesmerizing isn't it it releases uh the latent energy, doesn't it? The phase transition releases it. Yeah. Between liquid and solid. Crystallises and releases it. Shut up.

Just give me it. I want to have a look at it. I want to feel its warmth. Oh, it's warmth. It's not super hot, but if you're on a cold day, it makes the difference. Yeah, it makes a lot of difference. And now you're putting it on your gooch. Everything must go by the gooch.

The frog's getting a gooch treatment as well. Frog is face first in my perineum. Where's Poins Dexter? You know, you used to object to this when me and Poins Dexter had mutual nub nubs. Yeah, but I'm just rubbing it. It's just being held there. Froggy gets a face full.

I'm feeling left out. Freddy gets a face full. And I get the warmth of Freddy's face. Stop doing it. He's actually doing it. He's got this look on his face. This is really pleasant. This is the nicest I've felt.

Is this really what we've come to? You're warming your balls. With a hand warmer frog. Yeah. You're warming your balls. And I saw there was a look of actual joy on his face. It's distracting you from your toothache, isn't it? Yeah.

Come on, Paul. We've got to get through this. We've got to get through this. You've got to get through this. Daniel Bedingfield. Shut up. Come on. Oh, there you go this. Come on, mate. You've got to get through this. Daniel Bedingfield. Shut up. Come on. Oh, there you go.

Right. Looks happy, Freddy. Stop handing shit back to me once you've fucking stuck it on your nub nubs. Come on. Right. We need a price from you. Okay. For the frog face.

£1.50, I'm going to say for that. £1.50. It's mint on card again. It's not. It came in its packaging. I'll come to say for that. £1.50. It's mint on card again. It's not. It came in its packaging. I'll come in your packaging. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I'll make you into a package and then send you to Cum City. That got him. Right. And now I will say, do I want to undercut you or overcut you? All aboard. First stop, Cum City. Do I want to overcut you or overcut you? All aboard. First stop, Cum City. Do I want to overcut? What did you say, Paul?

Spunk Town. Yeah, I know. What did you say for the frog? Dribble Junction. Please, I need the prize again for the frog. Ending at Ejaculate HQ. I said 150 for that. You said 150 for the frog.

Thank you. I'm going to go for £1.10. £1.10, he says. Off mic. I'm just going to say that. Shut10. £1.10, he says. Off mic. I'm just going to say that. Shut up. £1.10. All right.

Final item. Final item on tonight's Price of the Shire. Right. It's a Disney-themed item, the second of the haul. Oh, yes, it is. Yeah, well spotted.

I can put that together. And this is a Mickey Mouse watch for a child. Effectively, except... It has bendy arms, which make the strap... No, does it? Is that the point?

Yeah, that's what it is. And you open the face... And you get a shitty little tiny digital clock face. Which isn't even working. No. And it's tiny. It is the smallest

digital clock face I have ever seen. It's terrible. And it just sort of works like a bracelet. That's... It doesn't clasp. There's no clasp.

It's just the hands. It's a novelty watch for a child. This line-up is classic, typical, price of shite, isn't it? Yeah. The headless doll, the gooch-warming frog face, the dirty soap, and Mickey Mouse's random hands. At least they're all sort of things that have one purpose, but also are representing a cartoon character of some sort. Now, I'm going to see if these bendy hands wrap around.

Oh, stop it, really. Why are you doing this? I'm the one with the gooch play I do I bring the gooch play with Poindexter you're just doing me you're doing me

a year and a half ago I'd love to do you you're doing me a year and a half ago do you now we've already done this turning into Mickey Mouse is now clinging to we're turning into

the Simpsons fucking season 12 here it's more like season 30 anyway there you go you couldn't have anything to say you know I just wanted to put it on my balls and then give it back to you you were massaging Fucking season 12 here. It's more like season 30. Anyway, there you go. You see, you took it again off me. You didn't have anything to say. No, I just wanted to put it on my balls and then give it back to you. You were massaging your bollocks with Mickey's mitted mutts.

Man. Mannos. Words. Do you want to try them out? Oh, I don't have to do this all the time. I don't have to be brilliant all the time. Right, I'm going to say 80p for that. 50p.

50p. Write it down. And I will reach for the envelope. It's a beautiful seal. Are you going to try and... No, I'm going to... Havep for that. 50p. 50p. Write it down. And I will reach for the envelope. It's a beautiful seal. Are you going to try and... No, I'm going to... Have you got like a little knife or something? Yeah, you need to scooch that off.

No, I don't. Why don't you understand what I'm doing? You need to open. You need a letter opener. I use the back of the spoon. It's simple. I will place it under the little... Yeah, open the top.

Yeah, that's what I'm doing. So we keep the seal. See what I mean? It's a beautiful little wax seal. Yeah, I like that. What is represented on the seal? Is it a little picture? Let me have a look.

It looks like an S. Get the light on it. It's an S. Put your mouth on it. Right. Here we go. This is the moment of truth. This is where the Betwingeth are awarded.

Right, it's a big old letter. Oh, what did you say? Look at that. You said, what did you say? Sorry for that. I didn't write it down. Oh, I said, I've forgotten now. It's the Mickey Mouse novelty watch. 60p. Did you? You said, what did you say? Sorry for that. I didn't write it down. Oh, I said, I've forgotten now. It's the Mickey Mouse novelty watch.

60p. Did you? You said 75. Did I? I'm just going to say 60p now. I'm saying 50p. 50p. All right, cool.

Here we go. Are you ready? Nude Barbie. It's a nicely, I'm not going to show you the answer straight away, but it's a nicely made letter. They've done a colour printer. They've put the logo on. There's Mr. Blobby there.

The logo at the bottom. That's lovely. Nice, isn't it? Right, here it goes. What's Mr. Blobby there. The logo at the bottom. That's lovely. Nice, isn't it? Right, here it goes. What's the letter say? Dear Cheap Show, all the items were purchased in Kent on March the 2nd, 2020.

I didn't really want to leave my house, so I put off sending them. I recently moved to Acton, so I'm looking forward to exploring all the new charity shops and buying loads of shit. There's a lot in Acton. Yeah, there probably is.

Acton is a whole world of charity shops. Samuel sent this. Thank you for the wonderful hours of content. Thank you, Samuel. Cheers. Here we go The doll Eli

What are the scores and I will read it out You said Paul Yes £1.10 And you said £1 The answer was

£1 Between Between You give me one between and I give you two Between Between There's betwings all round, mate.

So how many is that? So that's two. I've got two, you've got one. Right, next one. Hand warmer. Not hand warmer. You've done it in the wrong order. Oh, no, I'm just reading it out as he's done them.

I didn't know what order they were in the box, did I? All right, so what was our order? Okay, so it was frozen soap next, wasn't it? Yes. All right, so frozen soap. How much did you say that was? I said 150, you said 75p. Okay, the answer, £1.60.

Eli gets a... Petwing. Oh, this could be a new era for me. Right, then it's the hand warmer, right? Yeah. And you said what? I said 110. And I said what?

£1.50. For the hand warmer. Yeah. We were both way out. It was 50p. Oh. Quite a nice bargain. And finally, the Mickey Mouse watch.

What did you say? 50p. I said 60. The answer was 50p. Another two betwings for Silverman. Oh, my God. And I get one. So?

You got one for being within 25p. So I get, what, three altogether? Oh, the haul. No, you get two altogether. Oh. Still, good innings for Gannon. I got five betwings. I want you to speak out.

Speak out the betwings. Give them. I'm receptive in my silky web. Betwing. Betwing. Betwing. Betwing. Betwing.

That's five betwings for me, Eli Silverman, the champion of the prize of Deshaito this week on Sheep Show, ladies and gentlemen. Well played, Mr. Silverman. Well played. Now, let's split the spoils. Do you want this side? I don't want any of it.

I mean, it's been on you. It's all been on me. I might put the Barbie up as an ironic thing. No, don't. Because on the off chance the police ever come round here just by accident, this bedroom looks like a serial killer's den. But I'm not a serial killer, so it doesn't matter. I don't know you're not a serial killer, do I?

Do you suspect me of being a serial killer? I have thoughts every now and then that you're the kind of old lady killer what you kind of push them you push nudging them into the road or you set the acceleration you put a brick on their accelerator on their mobile shopability scooter and they go off into the motorway or uh you throw brick on their heads from outside their front door when they go to get the post in the morning. Or you poison their milk. Or you bore them to death with your fucking vinyl facts. Listen. Or you put

hot sauce in their eyes. In the meters? No. You're staying away from old man meters. Old man meters. What you gonna do? Mate, we had to fucking endure about a minute of you floundering there before we got to that. Sometimes it takes a while to dig before you hit the treasure chest at the bottom.

And I think it was worth it. Yeah, old man meters. Old man meters. He comes down, he comes down. Old man meters. He brings you crest of cheer. I don't know what that is. He's got the hot sauce.

He puts it in the hole. It's burning his hot sauce. It burns his hole so bad. A burning hot sauce. It's me that's sitting and weeps. He's crying, it's me that's tonight. That's all we have time for this week on Cheap Show. Let's now go to the wrap-up section.

All right. And that's it for Cheap Show. If you want to get involved with your event, you've got to the end of April to send your songs in as an MP3 or WAV to, indeed, any emails you want to send to thecheapshowatgmail.com. Please make sure your songs are about 60 to 120 seconds tops, ideally, and email us away with your title of the track and your artist's name, how you want to be known on the show, and send them to the email. Exactly the simple thing to do. It is. It is.

and send them to the email. Exactly the simple thing to do. It is. It is. If you want to go to our website, thecheapshow.co.uk, you can go there and find links to episodes for pictures and videos. You can see our various merch pages. There's loads of stuff on there, thecheapshow.co.uk.

We're on Facebook and we're on Tumblr, on Instagram, Cheap Show, Cheap Show Pod. You'll find us there. What else? Oh, yeah, Twitter. We're on the Twitter. why is my brain not working well at the cheap show pod i'm at paul gannon show and eli is eli snoid spelt e-l-i-s-n-o-i-d and if you'd like to send us anything into our po box it is cheap show p-o box 1309 harrow h-a-1-9-q-j. And also, one last thing. We couldn't have done today's show without people sending stuff in.

No, we couldn't have. Exactly. It's all stuff sent in. The lifeblood. The source report has never been stronger. As is the lifeblood of our Patreon. If you'd like to help support this podcast, we do have a Patreon. Give what you can, if you can, to patreon.com forward slash cheap show.

And there you'll get magazines and videos and extra podcasts and bits and bobs and all kinds of random nonsense for you to dig through. Okay, good, Paul. Just wanted to mention one thing. Yeah, go for it before we finish. Genuinely, my brain is like, you know those computers in cartoons where they spin out and they're like sparks? Yes.

You've been through a lot of pain and stuff recently. I've not spoken properly in ages. This has been weird because what you've said has been absolute word garbage. You know what? When I was doing Teen Yeti for a long time, I found that very tiring of the mouth. Yeah, it's tiring. We work our mouths hard when we do this podcast. We certainly do.

We do. And then in our off time as well. We work them on cocks, don't we, Paul? I honestly think the HOP has a bad effect on us. They gobble the cock off. Right. Paul, this isn't me, right? Okay, but a lot of people have been saying, you know.

When he says a lot of people, he means the two tweets he saw online. About Larry Inchman. Yeah. Now, you told me. In confidence. There was a lot of Inchman material. No. From last week's Die Hard episode.

Yeah. That you cut. And I think we deserve, as an audience, I include myself as a listener to Cheap Show, you know, Paul, because I am. I'm a big fan of Cheap Show. Who's your favourite person in Cheap Show? Larry Inchman.

Right. And he had a chance to shine, and you've put him on the cutting room floor, basically. And just, I think you need to re-edit it, whatever, just for Patron's special, Patron thing, or whatever it is. But there needs to be a release of the Inchman cut. No, here's the subtle difference.

Release the Inchman cut, Paul. Here's the subtle difference between an Inchman cut and cutting Inchman from the podcast, right? Because it's not like Inchman did anything or said anything because you basically... He could have. No, here's the thing. During that recording session...

He could have done things with inches. During that recording session... He could have MacGyvered it with an inch or two. There was plenty of time for him to be a character, but he was unconscious, right? Exactly. The only reason you say this now is because when we were doing the scenes,

you felt compelled in every single moment, no matter what the objective of that scene was, to bring up Larry Inchman. Because people are wondering about him. No, you're wondering about him. No, you're wondering about him because you're weirdly obsessed with your most awful character.

It's not just me, Paul. A lot of people think Inchman's got a lot of potential to be an action hero. He doesn't. Nothing about Inchman works. You don't work. Fundamentally, Inchman is a vacuous fart. Let me just say, he'll be back, everyone, and

I'm not going to forget about this. There is no Inchman cut. He's lying to you. There's no Inchman cut. He's lying. He's big podcast and he's lying to you about this, ladies and gentlemen. If you want it, I want 80 million to finish the cut. Fine. Zack Snyder got it. We can get it. 80 million, and I'll give you the

Inchman cut. We can get it, mate. And it's going to be, it's not going to be like the Snyder Cut, which is just the same film, but longer. This is actually, it makes some fundamental philosophical points.

You're living in a fucking cuckoo land. All you do at every scene, like, right, Eli, in this scene, we need to get Hans Harry and Palms Harry to do this. The first thing you do is, where's Larry Inchman?

Well, where is he, Paul? What are you doing? Oh, he's all you do is, where's Larry Inchman? Well, where is he, Paul? What are you doing? Oh, he's all sad. I'm concerned for Larry Inchman. You're more concerned for him than your own character. Shall we just say goodbye? No, he's going to be back.

He's not going to be back. He's going to be a major... Now that we've shifted realities, we're moving on. You brought Jimmy Biscuits back. I didn't. He's lost in the pod universe. Oh, fuck this.

It's just a podcast. Just a podcast. I'm swearing in fuck it then I don't know why I bother suck my chud let's just yeah Chodney Rodolph

was a man he lived in the farm he's gone again Chodney Rodolph he's gone again he is Chodney Rodolph he is Chodney bye everyone

bye everyone we like each other really we do we do though yeah come on press stop mate Bye, everyone. We like each other, really. We do. We do, though. Yeah. Come on. Press stop, mate.