CheapShow - Ep 224: The (Not Very) Pagan Picnic

Episode Date: April 2, 2021

Spring is in the air, there's more daylight and there are (hopefully) brighter days ahead! With all that said, it's up to Paul & Eli to ruin all that joyous potential with another of their occasional "walkabout" episodes! This week, CheapShow seeks renewal, rebirth or at the very least, a quiet picnic out of the way of other humans. Their journey, though short, will take them from a small park in Twickenham, via a famous island and on towards a surprisingly symbolic finale at Old Deer Park in Richmond! Along the way there are arguments, historical discoveries, a bit of Easter knowledge, a cunning plot to kidnap an elderly YouTuber and a plan to sacrifice "Cheggers" for the greater good. It's CheapShow, so expect the totally expected! Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-224-the-not-very-pagan-picnic And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Oh, and you can NOW listen to Urinevision 2020 on Bandcamp... For Free! Enjoy! https://cheapshowpodcast.bandcamp.com/album/urinevision-2020-the-album If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Also, you can NOW see Eli star in "Ashens & The Polybius Heist", download it from here: https://www.watchpolybiusheist.com MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop https://www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Paul is writing a book! Want to help make it happen? https://unbound.com/books/ghosts/ Send Us Stuff CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

There's a whole new range of programs for spring here on ITV. Comedy Tonight, Frank Muir presents nostalgic sketches. He was hotter than they felt inclined to tell. Too much damn curry powder. There's another program about life in the now less than totally mysterious China. Amazing acrobats are a foundation of their ancient culture, only just re-emerging again. Also new for spring, the great betting coup. Thank Dallas.

This will come to a noise few quid. And a new bestseller, A Man Called Intrepid. Hitler is embarked on a lunatic course aimed at total world domination. Well, for reasons that escape me, I am Winston Churchill's man intrepid. Alan Wicker travels west for his spring series, a look at California, its cities, its people, and its police force in action.

And watch out for wheels, for all that's best in motoring and motorsport, for amateur and professional alike. And you'll be struck by this new series about time i get the soap who locked that door that's spring on itv Hello, yes, here we are in Radnor Park in beautiful Twickenham in sunny, sunny London. South London. South London. Spring is in, it's more west, south-west. Spring is sprung, the bird is on the wing.

But that's absurd, the wing is on the bird. Hello, I'm Eli Silverman. We're out and about for another special picnic episode. It's the spring picnic episode and we're out here. We've come round all the way down to... Here we go, come round here. I knew it was going to go off the rails instantly. Here's Paul Gannon, everybody. Hello, boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen, guys and dolls.

We are doing a little walk today. It's one of our lovely walks and we thought, oh, look at the weather. Let's get out and go for a stroll. And you've said all this. I'm doing chef's kit. Radnor Gardens is where we're starting in Twickenham. It's a bit soggy underfoot down there. There's a bit of a splodge. It's a bit of a, what was it, flooding? It's very soft underfoot. It's very soft underfoot so squelchy that's the word i'm looking for we're not doing very well at this intro let's roll it on welcome to cheap show the economy comedy podcast where this week eli and i go for a little walk i've already done this i know but i didn't like the way you did it because it was full of you saying come around

there no i always leave it all right i like leaving your word trumbles in so oh it's very exciting coming up on the show paul actually you lay it out lay out the lay of the land out for today's springtime themed walk and it's got a bit of a pagan flavor i mean it doesn't but that's the gimmick we're going to do uh how do we make it pagan chanting rituals nakedness public public pooing, leaves, wands of leaves. Wands of leaves and public pooing? I will do both those things. Worst folk album title ever.

There might be an appearance from Strewn Onions, lead man. Derek. Nothing more to add. Well, I'm just saying, you didn't... Gruff, his name is Derek Gruff. Derek Gruff. I'm on fire. You're not.

It's the sun. The sun has made me all warmy-warm inside, Paul. All warmy-warm inside. Are you feeling warmy-warm inside? You know what? I am feeling actually really lovely and loved up, and I'm looking forward to this today. It's going to be a nice gentle walk.

It's not going to be one of our longest, but it's going to be possibly one of our prettiest. Okay, so, sorry. Going back to where you were laying the lay of the land out, what is coming up? We're starting in Radnor Park here which is a little roadside park. It's Thames side. Yeah. As in the river is just there. I saw a boat go by.

Literally about 10 metres away from us. Yeah. The Thames. Old Man Thames. Old Man Thames. Old Man Meeters. He made an appearance last week, didn't he? I think Old Man Meeters. This is not like Mallet's Mallet, where you're making a word association chain of nonsense. Isn't it?

Isn't all talking really that poor? You've brought up an interesting point. You know? But, there's a guy in a boat. I bet he razzes it in a minute. There's a speed limit at this part of the Thames, I think. Look, he's in a boat. Yeah, he's going along quite stately.

It's coming towards us, so it looks slow. I think it's going against the current. It's a little sporty number. A dinghy, essentially. But it's wooden. What are you talking about? It's a speedboat. It's not like they're in a paddling. It's a little dinghy size. It's not a dinghy size.

It's not an inflatable dinghy, but you'd still call a boat like that a dinghy. It's a boat. It's not even a boat. It's a two-man speedboat. Is it a ship? What's a boat dinghy size. It's not a dinghy size. It's not an inflatable dinghy, but you'd still call a boat like that a dinghy. It's a boat. It's not even a boat. It's a two-man speedboat. Is it a ship? What's a boat? Where am I?

It's got an outboard motor. This is stuff we can describe because we're both seeing it. And it's got a little visor thing around where the steering wheel is. Mate, people know what fucking boats look like. Well, it's an audio format, mate. So what? If I said, oh, look, there's a park bench, I'd have to go, it's a full-legged, stratted wooden...

It has four legs, stratted wooden. So the plan is we're going to start here, go for a little walk, end on a place called Eel Pie Island, which has got some notoriety around it. Rock and rock and roll! And that's where we're going to have our pagan picnic. That is not that pagan. Pagan spring picnic.

Can I introduce Chegwin at this point? Yes, but you get him out while I carry on talking. And then we're going to do a little Easter egg hunt in a magical, magical part of Twickenham, hidden away. Oh, where is it? I'll tell you later. Where's Cheggers? I mean...

Oh, here he is. Right. The real Cheggers, deep in the ground. In fact, both Cheggers are similar in that they're both dead. I'm just going to get him out of his slot. I'm going to take him out of his slot, Paul. Look at him in the sunlight. He looks like a cashew nut now.

He does a bit. He does look like a burned cashew nut. With the tooth bit, the pre-tooth sticking out the... Right. Do you want to hear a rattle, everybody? That's the rattle of Chegwin heralding spring on Cheap Show. Mate, don't have it. I hope those two dogs are around.

They might come and eat him. Oh, God. That would be... I mean, it would be apt, wouldn't it? Should we feed the dogs? Cheggers to the dogs? Cheggers are blood sacrifice. Yeah, that would be our sacrifice.

The dog who eateth Cheggs. We just need to find a dog for our big finale. I don't want it. Feed it, Cheggers. I don't want to feed it, Cheggers. Maybe I'll eat Cheggers. After our Easter egg hunt, then we're going to make a lovely little walk

down towards Richmond Park, where we'll end, maybe with a drink or two. Also or two and also to mention paul you don't have to unpack your bag right now and put everything in it's the beginning of our our mission our little picnic pagan picnic spring picnic crystal hot sauce everyone who's interested is what i've got clasped in my hand and it is a big... What kind of size would you say that is? Restaurant size or catering size? I am already... It's a big... It's a big...

You've deflated already my enthusiasm for today. It's a chunky boy in the terms of, you know, the youth. You're going to get your chunky boy out. I already have. Yeah. I'm waving it in your face. Yeah, your chunky boy is in my face. Here it's slosh.

Oh, it came up quite nicely, I heard that. It's nice. That's the sauce everyone. You don't have to get that close mate. See where I am? About a split hand's worth. What's a split hand's worth? Fuck you now.

A split hand's worth. What he meant is a penis measuring length. Basically, isn't it? Is that how big your penis is meant to be, between your stretched out pinky and your thumb? That's like six fingers. Hang on. Six inches. Yours is longer than mine.

All right, let's crack on with our... Telephone hand. That's what it's called as well, telephone hand. I'm just trying to give a visual image. It's telephone hand. He thought a telephone hand's length was split fingers. It is kind of split fingers. Here's another boat. Now that's a boat. Yeah, it's got

rudder, it's got ballast, it's got a... Well, it's got little buoys on the side. You see those like buoys, not like small children hanging off. Yeah, just little... There's a theme developing already, Paul, with this, which is child sacrifice. No, that's not the theme. Right, let's begin our Easter already, Paul, with this, which is child sacrifice. No, that's not the theme.

Right, let's begin our Easter pagan, loosely pagan picnic. Yay! Join us, won't you? Two large desperados, mate. All right, but why didn't you think to get yourself some water? I've got water. Why didn't you think to get water? I don't know, put me on the spot. Is this Roger Cook report? Yeah, it is. It's Mr. Silverman, Mr. Silverman. Eli's getting some water because he bought loads of booze

but didn't think to buy any water for himself on a really warm, hot day. To be fair, I've got two bags on and a coat and a T-shirt and a shirt and even I have overestimated the warmth today. So I've got a little bit of a sweat on regardless of all of that Eli and I are currently on the bridge into Eel Pie Island by an ice cream van Mr Whippy's soft ice cream uh great did you get your water yes thank you and uh was it exorbitant? How much do you think? A little mini price of shite here.

All right. This water, I bought it from, in Twickenham, everybody, from an ice cream man in a van. Is it just normal water? It's not fizzy? It's not fizzy, normal. What would you say, Paul? What's your price?

I'm going to say a pound on the nose. It's £1.50. £1.50? You get no betwings not for being I think this is another case of us needing to expand the scoring of betwing system when our price is right you just want more betwings mate I'm not doing it now where are we now we're crossing the bridge into Eel Pie Island this is very picturesque isn't it as we're crossing the bridge we're standing over the it is the Thames

isn't it yes and the Thames is split down the middle in this section of Twickenham by Eel Pie Island

so if it was like a vagina shot from overhead Eel Pie Island would be along sort of big meaty clit yeah

right so I was much more come on this is all about birth rebirth this episode, yeah? Spring. This doesn't mean you get to just talk about fannies.

The river is a vagina. I literally had nothing to say in reply to that. I didn't know what to say. It's like... Also, can I just... Look at that little pod on the other side, on Eelpile Island, just on the other side of the bridge. What's that pod there, Paul?

I think it's someone's kind of greenhouse relaxing area in their garden. It's very 60s futurist, isn't it? There's some very nice houses on the seafront that go out on... If you look behind the pod, there's a sunken trampoline. Do you see that? Yes. So people who live there obviously have a little bit of money. A sunken trampoline's a bit like a vagina as well.

It's more like a big... El not. It's more like a big... Elastic. It's more like a big, beefy hymen. Yeah. Is that what you want? Bouncy hymen. I met her once. Take a picture of me on the bridge.

Take a picture. Your camera. I want to be seen on the bridge with the people on the dinghies rowing. And there's boats up that way. When we get on to Eel Pie Island yeah we're going to do some some straight up

cheap show stuff aren't we well we're going to have our pagan picnic that's the plan I want the river in the background look at me I'm sexy no because the sun's that way

alright well then do it this way and this is me roving reporter shot there you go these are lovely I love it give it more give it more podcastery

like you've just had an idea for a new character. Oh, he's named Alan Twat. Hello, my name is Alan Twat. And I know everything about places. Twickenham was born on the site of a pagan god called... Was it? Is there any... Yes. Also, for people who are a bit more serious-minded,

who want to know about the rites of spring and the pagan rites of spring that we are celebrating, in our own way, by being on the clit of the river here... LAUGHTER I'll be looking up if there is an occult connection with Twickenham. I've got... What Twickenham means. Yes, well, I've got...

I bet it means witch on the hill. I've got an old pagan song I know called The Clit of the River. Oh, he's... Who's Alan Twat? Yeah. Yes, well, I've got... I bet it means witch on the hill. I've got an old pagan song I know called The Clit of the River. Who's Alan Twat? Yeah. Hello, Alan. Alan Twat, who knows everything about everything. He's also a singer.

He might be. He might be. He might be. He's got a song. Yes. I want to hear it. Fuck it, I'm in a good mood. Oh.

Fa-ta-ta, ta-ta-ta-ta, ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. I sit by the river, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Okay, Alan, and are you some kind of local historian? Did you say that? No more questions. Bye, Alan. See you later. Okay, now we're crossing into Eel Pie Island.

I've never set foot on Eel Pie Island. And why is it called Eel Pie Island? Because an eel pie is a bit like a fanny, isn't it, as well? Stop saying everything's a fanny. They just keep popping up no okay so eel pie island was a place where people would go to picnic around the time of henry the 8th uh and the idea was is that while they were here they would eat the locally uh sourced food which was eels so the river yeah so people times used to be um full of eels but they've been over

fish did you know that yes yeah so that was the thing you'd come here and you'd eat eel pies on your day out and have a picnic well you wouldn't go for an eel pie because you're allergic to fish aren't you yes which is a funny thing all the deep themes are coming up this this little lovely spring walk we're having for a lovely garden we're going past lots of residences here well that's the thing, people live on Eel Pie Island a lot of people live here don't they? of course they do so we are going to find a spot on here somewhere we can sit down get out our picnic eatings

and have some nommy noms, pagan nom noms and I'll give you a little bit of history about Easter and paganism as well shut up, and I'll look up to Ikenham of course, another thing I'd mention about Eel Pie Island as well, outside of the people who live here, it's also famous for having a recording studio where I believe the Stones recorded an album or two.

And The Who and Hendrix was here or something. A lot of those 60s rock people. About half a mile away, a little walk away from here, there's a museum, Eel Pie Island Museum, which talks about all the music stuff here. So if you ever wanted to go when it's open, you can. CruiseMaster. See, there's a lot like everyone's houses are so kind of quirky like look at that all that's got an alligator on the end an ice cream on the roof and a cat let's stay on a Americana isn't it

like kitsch America it is it's like love Shack no sniveling go it's cool do you think that's a proper house or do you think it's just where someone goes to kind of fix their boat and... Maybe someone's second home. But look, over here you've got some very modernist, brutalist sort of block of flats there. Very modernist, brutalist block of flats. I like that. I like that brick brutalism. Yeah.

I know you like it, but I find it a bit ugly. I don't know what to say to that. Ideally, I'd like you to say nothing and then we move on. That's usually how these things roll. Come on let's move on then. We are moving on there so well I'm just yeah all right we are but we're just going to look for a little spot where we can go for a picnic type thing although it's horrible feeling that this might be over before it's begun. Let's see where this goes. Yeah, we are recording now.

Bloody hell. Right, we've just been accosted by an eccentric French lady who said, literally just said, I want to explore, you know. Like that. Like a... I'm going to give him a minute until he says something about fannies. She was very wistful.

She was wistful like a spirit, wasn't she? Paul? No, she was just an old lady sitting on a bench who was looking to explore the island. She wasn't an old lady. She was like aful like a spirit, wasn't she, Paul? No, she was just an old lady sitting on a bench looking to explore the island. She wasn't an old lady. She was like a Chanteuse. She was a French lady of a certain age. And she went, I want to explore. You know, very suggestive.

No, she was just wanting to explore Eel Pie Island like we are. Listen, just because you can't read situations. Read the room, Paul. Read the island, Paul. Yeah, read the island. Magical things are starting to happen. I wonder where the recording studio was then. Because these are all quite, it must be quite expensive to live on here, right? Yeah, an absolute mint. But why is the bridge open if there is no...

Oh, because people live here. I mean, that's literally it. We've just walked past two people who I think are also... That just goes to someone else. So we're literally one little pathway that leads us past all the houses. So there must be another entrance or exit on here. There must be another access to the island because it's not this small. Well, let's have a little look at the map and rethink then. Il Pai Island Association.

Oh, look, you are here. There we go. So there's a... Now, there's the bridge the bridge that's where we come in that's where we went up to yeah so that's where we stopped yeah there's no open space so no so that just goes down that way past the sycamores tideway run softly pie crust and shamrock but i don't know if there's anything down that end copper beach it says but it's not a beach is it no do you want to have a look down there I find it all quite claustrophobic I feel like this is where they drag you if they were going

to sacrifice you yeah totally the people of the Eel Pie Island just take you it says stay away it says stay away it doesn't say

thanks for visiting I think we should need to leave I guess but like let's get off the island do you want to because I mean

I don't know I really do let's go alright well go back to the real world on the other side. Let's cross past the nook and see if, well. It's all very twee. Well, we're going to have to find somewhere else to have our picnic then.

I thought we'd have a jolly picnic like the oldie days. What did you assume? You just assumed there'd be somewhere on Eelpile Island to hang out? Yeah. You did zero research. It's a disaster. It's not a disaster. It's not.

How is this a ritual? I just thought... We haven't had our libation. Just look how big it is. You'd think there'd be more space around the back end, right? We need some open space. We're on the bridge again, everybody.

Back off Eel Pile Island after this disaster. Shut your fucking gobbo. Let's go on the beach and have a fucking beer. No, let's walk up that way a little bit and then there's a field and we can have a sit down on a bench and... So what's the plan? Tell everyone what the plan is after your failure. We're gonna have a spot to find a biscuit... no, picnic!

We're gonna find a place for a picnic where we can have a biscuit. Maybe. Right, that's the plan, Eli. Can you hold this for some time, please? What? Your bag of booze? Yeah. So outside of the recording equipment, the food I've got, the bags I'm wearing, you also want me wearing a coat and holding this microphone, all your booze? Just while I took a sip of water. Just while you took a sip of water and you didn't have to buy this much booze

anyway did you? Yes I did. You didn't. Look how it's going. We need to self-medicate pronto. Nub nubs ahoy. No, self-medicate pronto no this is not ahoy no let's don't start saying nub nubs ahoy let's just get it rolling nub nubs ahoy you know just once or twice every episode for the next two months ice cream van again oh oh yeah that pong i think that's a residual eel pie pong oh yeah there's a definitely very nautical, fishy, deep fishiness coming off the Eel Pie Island. Eel Pie Pong. Can we listen, let's just recap on what happened to us. We were just, we're not on Eel Pie Island anymore we've come across the bridge. We're back on to Twickenham land. Oh this is a big chopper. It's one of those double helicopter choppers. What are they called, Apaches? Yeah.

Or something like that. That's why it's on the left-hand side. What? Apache on the left-hand side. No, I didn't want to know. There's a pub here. It's a dutchie. You don't pass the Apache. I know, mate.

Look. Oh, look, there's a crow with an ashtray in its fucking mouth. It does. It has an ashtray in its gob. Wow. Take a picture. Oh, no, it's going to fly away. Is it a pic... No, it's not an ashtray. Yes, mouth. It does, it has an ashtray in its gob. Wow. Take a picture. Oh no, it's going to fly away.

Is it a pic... No, it's not an ashtray. Yes it is. It's like a coffee lid. It's a coffee lid or it's a... They build nests, don't they? The crows are such cheeky bastards. I can't, I'm not going to get a good shot from them.

Well, give it a go because right now he's doing something with it. He's holding it in his gob, he wants it. He knows he's got a need for it. Oh, he's off. He's flown onto the balmy arms which is a pub you like crows don't you even though they're evil right so um let's find a spot up here we're going into here yeah there are gardens here uh no but there's pathways and benches and things and parks we can just sit on we should be able to find a spot quite easily to do some more picnic ritual we're not doing a ritual eli we're just having some cheap

eats picnic it's a lovely picnic paganish picnic day arms what does that mean barmy mad as in pagan as in lose yourself to the oneness there's a coat of arms which has a swan with an ashtray in its mouth and And a sign that says underneath it, looking backwards, looking forward. There's a little theatre thing there. So this is a... It's one of those grey crow things. They're not crows, they're like martins or something. I don't know. I don't know whose they are.

Richmond Shakespeare Society, RSS by the Mary Wallace Theatre. It's all very... Around here, isn't it? The RSS wishes everyone the very best for a great and safe 2021 in the hope of opening our theatre again soon. Well, I hope you do, richmondshakespeare.org.uk. Now, tell everyone, and I want you to be honest, like you are usually, about the fiasco that just... The centrepiece of this supposed podcast we're doing

was meant to be our ritual spring picnic featuring chegwin on eel pie island what happened what just happened we found out that eel pie island is effectively a bunch of posh houses and a boat club that's it and look there's that see here's the boat place where we got up to there from this side you can see it and then on there you got the phoenix so it be a member though to even hang out yeah not for the likes of us not for the likes of us there's no podcasters

especially no economy comedy podcasters people we're the last ones they want right so let's find a place

to sit down because I've got a Eli proper fucking sweat on yeah it must be the hottest day of the year so far yeah

so if you want to follow us on your virtual map proper fucking sweat on. Yeah. It must be the hottest day of the year so far. So if you want to follow us on your virtual map, you are at Riverside right now by the embankment on Twickenham. This is proper old heritage film around here, isn't it? Yeah. Old walls and old cottage houses.

You said it's very kind of yoddy, isn't it? Cobbly. Right, let's find a place to stand so I can fucking put this down. I've got sweat on. I've got too many clothes on here. When we get the picnic set up, we'll talk again, okay? We will. Right, so apparently we are now sitting on the green outside of Orleans House Gallery,

which is temporarily closed. Which is an old house. It's an old house. And we saw some interesting artwork on the alleyway on the way up. It was scenes, Victoriana scenes, postcard, Victorian postcard scenes, Paul, of Twickenham and the environs, but with magical creatures and fantasy added. For example, the tripods from... War of the Worlds.

War of the Worlds. No, I almost said Orson Welles' Wars of the Worlds, but it's... It's HG Wells' Wars of the Worlds. HG Wells' Wars of the Worlds War of the Worlds no I've almost said Orson Welles' Wars of the Worlds but it's HG Wells HG Wells' Wars of the Worlds sausages by walls I took a picture of it

there's like lots of animals there's lots of pictures of hippos the one that stood out to me Paul was the was the tripods because wasn't that set here

it was set somewhere in London wasn't it maybe maybe it was set on the Thames because there's a scene in Limehouse I'm sure when they're coming across the Thames or something right at the end the tripods going oh the tripods and then they're defeated by the common cold that much like the modern world to think to think right we've basically low down right

we found some green space. Yeah. I'm a beer in. Hello, let's do some rituals. It's the spring episode of Cheap Show. Thanks for joining us here. You may be picking up

on the ambience of small child. No, don't say it like that. There's a bunch of them. Don't say it like that. And there's other people, there's other adults around.

Yes. There are other adults. Look, you've ruined this now. I've ruined everything. What I wanted to do was read out a little bit about Easter because I don't know if you've ever properly tackled it on the podcast. We have. We did that thing, the Polish thing

where they slap them up. They chase them down with paddles and slap them up. Remember? Oh God, yeah. And you have to eat the cake off their behind or something like that. Sometimes I wonder if what we talk about on this podcast is real. You know what I mean? Well, what is real? Let's define your terms.

It's not real. Nothing we do on this podcast is real. Anything I experience with my eyes is real. Only your eyes? What, have you smelt something? Hang on. What have you... Like, what, Winkies?

What do you mean, Winkies? Dirty Willie. Why would you think of that? I don't know. Why? I don't know Why? I don't know You've soured this You've soured this

With your unclean Willy talk You've soured this Right anyway It's going great I found an article On a website called ABC.net.au Which is Australian apparently

Origins of Easter From pagan festival And Christianity To bunnies and chocolate eggs Bunnies and chocolate eggs So it turns out Easter actually began As a pagan festival and Christianity to bunnies and chocolate eggs. Bunnies and chocolate eggs. So it turns out Easter actually began as a pagan festival celebrating spring in the northern hemisphere long before the apple. Get to the good bit. Since prehistoric times, people have celebrated the equinoxes and solstices as sacred times, says Sydney professor Carol Cusack.

Hello, Carol. And the spring equinox is a day when the amount of dark and the amount of daylight is exactly identical so you can tell this year when is that I don't know are we on the equinox

it's June isn't it because it's midsummer night is that not midsummer no it's the spring equinox alright it's when it changes from winter to spring

well we put the clock backs that was yeah it's a few days ago but they didn't have that in the medieval times did they they had clocks to put back no they didn't

but the clocks going back and forward are correlated with the equinox in some way that I'm not aware of. The spring equinox is a day where the amount of dark and the amount of light is at a say. Yeah, yeah, blah, blah. And you can tell that you're emerging from winter because the daylight and the dark have come into balance. People would map their whole life according to the patterns of nature. Following the advent of Christianity, the Easter period became associated with the resurrection of Christ. Following the advent of Christianity, the Easter period became associated with the resurrection of Christ. In the first couple of centuries after Jesus' life,

feast days in the new Christian church were attached to old pagan festivals. Spring festivals were the theme of new life and relief from the cold of winter, became explicitly connected to Jesus conquering death. For listeners, where he says Jesus, just think Chegwin. Chegwin, yeah. Chegwin hasn't been sacrificed or crucified well he was when he died originally did he die for our sins

we don't know how he died he's stillborn Cheg is oh mate he's stillborn through our sins now we're getting into complicated

debates about the meaning of life and what is life well I think we should we need to address the deeper issues on this pod Paul no we don't

it's not this pod come on I'm enjoying the article right so Easter's changing date in on this pod, Paul. No, we don't. Not this pod. Come on, I'm enjoying the article. Right, so, Easter's changing date in 325 AD. It's still roaming around these days,

the date, isn't it? Yeah. Well, the first major church council, the Council of Necaia, determined that Easter should fall on the Sunday following the first full moon

after the spring of Equinox. Oh, fuck off. Which is true, we just had a full moon last night, and then Easter's this weekend. Yes, and they put the clocks back, or forward, or whatever.

This is why the date moves around, and why Easter festivals are often referred to as movable feasts. Yes. It's a period between March 25th and April 25th on which Easter Sunday must fall, and that's determined by the movement of the planets and the sun.

Now, talking of movable feasts, Paul, what have we got coming up on the show? We've got crisps over there. Stop getting ahead of ourselves. I'm just foreshadowing us eating crisps. In some countries in Europe, the name for Easter is derived from the Jewish festival as Passover. So in Greek, the feast is called Pascha. In Italian,

Pasqua. In Danish, Passach. In French, it is Pach. He says, incorrectly pronouncing all four of them. Pach. Alright, I'm French. Shall we go to the Louvre? In the Champs-de-Lys? The Champs-de-Lys, aye.

The Champs-de-Lys. Oh, you're wearing some sexy lingerie, aye. Right. Did you nick that? That's nick, I can tell now. In English-speaking countries and in Germany, Easter takes its name from a pagan goddess from Anglo-Saxon England

who was described in a book by the eighth century English monk Bede or Bede or Bede. Eostre I think it's pronounced E-O-S-T-R-E was a goddess of spring or renewal and that's why the feast is attached to the vernal equinox. In Germany the festival was called Ostern and the goddess was called Astara. Here's the next bit. Eggs and... eggs. Rabbits and eggs. Many of pagan customs associated with the celebration of spring eventually became absorbed by Christianity and the resurrection of Jesus. During the Middle Ages people began decorating eggs and eating them as a treat following mass on Easter Sunday after fasting through Lent. This is actually something that

still happens. The custom of decorating hard boiled eggs. You don't have an egg as a feast. It's still, no, but decorating eggs is still a kind of deep folk custom. It's a fucking egg. Just have an egg. I eat eggs all the time. Yeah, I know. It's a fucking egg. I'm just saying they use eggs, they focus on eggs more during Easter. Because what about bunnies? Well, I'm going to talk to you now about bunnies. Do they come out of the eggs? I'm going to tell you. Rabbits and hares are associated with fertility and were symbols to the goddess Eostre. Like Chegwin.

Yes. Like Chegwin. The first association of the rabbit with Easter, according to Professor Cusack, was a mention of the Easter hare in a book by German professor of medicine, George Frank von Pikachu. Not Pikachu.

Frankenau. I love the way you sort of took a run up for that name and still fucked it up I still said Pikachu instead of Frankenau published in 1722

he recalls a folklore where hares would hide the coloured eggs for children to hunt and it was hares would yeah and the eggs would be

why would hares how do the hares hide stuff because imagine it like it's that big scary man dressed as a hare running around. No.

Sacrificing children. No. It was more like... Put a child in an egg. It was more like they used a hare as a character to explain why the eggs were hidden. Okay. You see what I mean? Yes, like the tooth fairy, yeah.

Oh, fuck off with your beeping. That's what I mean. There's a strange tension here between it feeling urban but it's very rural the actual setting I was mentioning. There's a car park over there where some dickheads

obviously just walked away. There's a lot of activity. Oh good, thank you. Commercialisations in the 19th century saw rabbits become popular symbols of Easter

and the growth of the greeting card industry. so relatively the rabbits were added relatively recently. Postal services became affordable and people wanted to keep in touch with people. So card companies like Hallmark became big by launching images of small little rabbits and Easter eggs on cards. They're like the robber barons of the world of sentimentality, aren't they?

The first edible Easter bunnies were made from sugared pastry in Germany in the 19th century. I'd have one of those. And big confectionery companies like Cadbury's in England started making chocolate eggs. What are they called? The sugared ones? Sugar. Sugar waffle. What are they called, Ash?

Bunny waffle. Pastry bunnies. I love the bunny waffle. Right. I like the bunny waffle. I get the bunny waffle and I come out the house. Bluebunnywaffle.com. Yeah, that thing. Right. The bunny waffle. I get the blue bunny waffle and I come out the house. Bluebunnywaffle.com.

Yeah, that thing. Thank you. Right. So, Cadbury started making eggs. And interestingly, chocolate used to be something that was bitter and drunk. And drunk became... Drunk. It was drunk. Oh, right.

It was a drink, wasn't it? Chocolate. It became something that was sweetened. It was like coffee. Oh, I see. So it was more of a dark... It was never in a bar to begin with. Well, this is what they're saying.

It was a drink to begin with. So apparently Cadbury started sweetening it and turned it into it was more of a dark... It was never in a bar to begin with. Well, this is what they're saying. It was a drink to begin with. So apparently Cadbury started sweetening it and turned it into a treat more than a... And was that associated with Easter as well? Well, because Cadbury started making chocolate eggs around the 19th century. Oh, so that's how Cadbury's got their start. They were quite religious.

No, they were big anyway, but they just started cashing in on the iconography of Easter. I see. And really sweetened chocolate eggs. Didn't they have quite a religious background anyway? Wasn't he very religious? I don't remember. He was a bit't he very religious he was a bit socialist well it's kind of like no you're thinking of um when we did the uh bourneville wine gums thing because he was quite religious the guy and that's why he was against wine gums originally because he thought it's going to promote drinking again it's this

temperance the alcohol thing because we and paul were just having a discussion about non-brewed condiment which you get in fish and chip shops here in the UK, don't you? Yeah. And I always thought it was because some people were allergic to vinegar or something, but it was because those temperance people, the abstainers or whatever, who were against alcohol, which led to the prohibition in America, they were against anything brewed, because apparently in the Bible it says anything brewed. And vinegar is a brewed product as well.

Oh. So what, chips from the chippy would be banned if you wouldn't be able to have vinegar on them? Yeah. And it's stupid, so they had to invent this totally synthetic product, which is just sort of acid, the non-brewed condiment. Oh, right. Just with this weird outdated... Yeah.

Companies like Sarsen started doing that. Making a non-brewed condiment. And that's what you tend to get in chippies anyway these days, isn't it? Well, you't it? Yeah. They'll use it as a replacement if they're really cheap. But in other ones, they'll have a real vinegar and a non-brewed condiment for no reason. No one's going to go, oh, I'm religious.

Well, maybe. No one's religious in that way anymore. Hello, I am Adam Twat. And I am religious. Adam Twat. Are you friends or relative of Alan Twatwad who was created on the bridge? Alan T'wad. Right, hello, Alan T'wad.

Hello, I know everything about everything. Oh, you're a local historian, aren't you? Yeah, ask me anything about Twickenham. I want to know about Twickenham. What's the name and everything about Twickenham? Well, apparently, it comes from Tukunhorn, Hom, Tukunham, which is the first description of it in 705 AD. 705, it goes back that far. It goes back that far.

And apparently, we're not quite sure, but like Hom. I don't know why he scowls now. But Hom. I don't like this voice anymore. But Hom used to be like Ham, you know, like a hammer. Like a hamlet. It means a small settlement, really. And we're not quite sure where Twicker comes from.

But they thought there might be a local monk called Twicker. Oh, there was a name by a local monk called Twicker. But the spot is between two circles, two rivers, isn't it? There are Thames and another one. Yeah, because I think the word ham or... Betwixt rivers, marshy ground betwixt rivers. Yeah, like a fiefdom or a little village near a river. And you can see it's sort of, I think they call it morphology or whatever.

The way that the sound of the two, the U in toucan turns into a W. Turns into a double U. Yeah, twicker. So you see those change over the years. See twick. So it might be twickenham, twickenham. Yeah. Oh, that's probably how you say it. Twickenham. Yeah, that's what I meant, twickenham. Hello, Alanick. So it might be Twickenham. Twickenhom. Yeah. Oh, that's probably how you say it.

Twickenhom. Yeah, that's what I meant. Twickenhom. Hello, Alan Twat. Fuck off. I'm going to go now. Okay, good. I'll put some stuff out later.

Including your creator. Do you want to suck it? No. I'm here now. No, fuck off. Fuck off, Alan. I gave you some facts. Now give me some wax.

Bye, Alan. He's off. He's run off. He's run off. You liked that little ending, didn't you? You liked the rhyme. You think that's good enough to get out. It is. It's the only way I can think of getting this.

So we're going to take a little break, and then we're going to have our pagan picnic. So join us momentarily. Ah. Right, there's some great corvids down here as well for nature lovers. Corvids? It's a type of bird, including crows, ravens, magpies, we can see two of right now, and a curious grey-breasted small crow. I wonder if any of our listeners know what I saw.

I tried to point it out to Paul. He wasn't interested. I am not. I'm trying to fucking fill in a nuance here. I'm trying to do a nuanced fill-in. Right. I want the old-once, not a new-once. Oh, God.

Why have you turned into fucking some kind of end-of-the-peer weirdo? I'm on dad-mode, Joe. Yeah. Dad-mode, Joe. Dad-joke mode. Dad-joke mode. Dad-joke mode. Dad-joke mode. Did mode right so we're gonna have a little picnic and uh cheap eats we're having some cheap eats and what says um easter more to you than pringles i saw these two flavors recently limited edition and i'm giving it the full half report mate and i'll just go straight into it one

is pringles limited edition new york hot dog flavor singles pringles there's also bacon mac and cheese flavor my girlfriend tried these the other night and she says if you want to do a barometer of the taste thing let's get a spectrum i like this this is good so she is you know she likes them and she thinks barbecue would get a 10 that's that's her top one does she like the other ones she just loves the... What would they be in the 7 or the 8 range? Probably, yeah, for her. It's a good spectrum.

Whereas, she tried these last night and she said they both got a... I think she said 4 or 6. It wasn't high. You can't remember. You said to me 4 before we started this. Okay, so it was 4 then. I'm just kind of doubting myself now that I've got to go on.

Okay, no, let's say 4. It's good for the narrative, right? Yeah, it's good for that. It's four. God, we've made a mouthful of this bloody intro. Well, let's make a mouthful of these. Now, Paul. Yes.

I'll get a huff on it. Get a huff on. Get the huff on. He's going to take a sniff of the bacon mac and cheese Pringles. That's what we're starting with. Yes. Paul, thoughts. Which one do you think you'll prefer?

What appeals to you more as a flavour profile for a crisp? See, I haven't tried these. Only my girlfriend has, so I'm not, I don't know. Just what I'm saying, on the face of it, with the titles. Hot Dog is probably the, I haven't tried these. Only my girlfriend has, so I'm not, I don't know. I'm saying on the face of it with the titles. Hot Dog is probably the one I probably might like more. I reckon that's going to be bacon-y.

I reckon they're both going to be bacon-y. No, I think that's going to be mustard-y. The Hot Dog one? Yeah, because you know when they use pickle and burger flavour to make you think you're having a...

I'll be impressed if there is some real mustard sharpness on there. All right, well, go on. Puff the bacon mac and cheese. It's cheese and bacon, basically. Now, my partner said... Those are two distinct

crisp flavours that we're both fairly familiar with. Yeah, well, my partner said going in that you wouldn't even notice the bacon in it, really. Well, you know,

from the first half report I've got here, Paul, I totally concur with your mysterious girlfriend. Because... Not mysterious. Which she is to me. I've never met her.

I know, but, you know... It's been four years or something. It's been almost three. All right. I'm getting... Well, anyway, I'm getting... What are you getting?

Just cheese on the mainstream. Cheese on the main boulevard. Cheese is walking down the main... What kind of cheese? Are we talking like a funky cheese? Crispy cheese. Crisp cheese. You know, cheddar.

Quavery cheese? Like those crispy fucking smelt the other day, which were all cheesy as well. All right, okay. It's just cheese. Generic stale cheese crap. It's just cheesy generic. Can I cheesy generic can i have a hoof oh yeah these smell like they smell like quavers they actually smell like quavers to me okay we've got quavers later spoilers foreshadowing so

how does it spoil it for them to know that there's quavers coming because i think it gives a little tingle like very much like a quaver on your tongue paul with the little air puppets pockets so bubble can you just eat and shut up i think i need to absorb that corona i've just downed all right great you got an alcohol problem problem very funny i'm gonna try one now too. Here we go. Now, this is mac and cheese. It actually tastes like quavers. Exactly like quavers. As soon as you said it, I had a mind-click epiphany, and the flavour I was experiencing,

you've been very suggestive of that to me. Yes. You've suggested a mind gestalt of fucking quavers, and now I can't think anything else. But I can't taste anything bacon-y. Yes, no, there is. I've got it. It's coming through the back. Give it a swallow.

Hey-o. Masticate it, then give it a swallow, and then the back of your palate, you'll get... Deep-throat it. On the deep-throat sort of area, you'll get a bacon-y aftertinge. No. Is that paprikery? It's a paprikery aftertaste for me.

That's what they're... Yes, but there's a crossover between those two flavours. You've got to understand that. Do you understand that? Do you understand the crossover between those two flavours? Fuck off.

Smokiness is what we're talking about. Yeah, smoky. But it's mainly quaver-y cheesy. That's the thing. I don't think that's too bad. No, it's fine. I don't know if I could

demolish a whole sleeve of these. You just think it's not very accurate. You think if you didn't know what flavour it was and you had to guess what flavour they were. I would just say cheese. We should do that and do it reverse way. See if we can guess the flavours. A special brand off, brand off. Well, that's for the future then. Maybe I'll get some flavours and you'll have to get... Wouldn't that be good? You have to get some outlandish ones that would be difficult to taste and see exactly how accurate they are. Something like bacon, eggs and pudding crisps.

Or whatever. There's a whole cornucopia of weird crisps. You know what? There's a lifeblood of this pod, Paul. I'm all up for it. I'm up for it. I'm out for it. Because I think I disagree.

I think that is quite a sophisticated flavour. This is Pringles. We're talking about this is not sophisticated. It is quite nuanced. Sophisticated? All right. What would you give that out of ten? sophisticated. It is quite nuanced. Sophisticated? Alright. What would you give that out of ten?

I would give it a six. Six and a half. I'd say six and a half. I could eat a bunch of those. You see it's hard to judge with Pringles because they're just moorish by their very nature.

Something about the texture and the salt level is just going to suit them in. You just smash them. So the flavours basically doesn't matter. That's what they know.

I am now taking the hoof lead with New York hot dog flavour. Now, when you say New York, what do you think when they say hot dog New York to you? Well, it's the epitome of the hot dog. New York is associated with hot dogs. So it's just the classic, extremely flaccid, floury bun. Mustard, ketchup. And then you'd hope a proper

Frank like an American Frank which has the proper pop on it you know me that's a Huff surprise that's a real deal Huff report man he's not holding anything back it's alarming it's a very it's a very astringent... Trumbly? Yeah. Right, I'm going to do... Give it a shake to jostle the molecules. Jostle the half molecules around. Aerate it. Oh, he's done it!

He's done the face. He's done the face. Oh, that's unpleasant, isn't it? It's a bit prawn cocktail-y, like stale prawn cocktail. But you get the mustard right up your nose. Yeah. Yeah. cocktail-y, like stale corn cocktail. But you get the mustard right up your nose. Yeah. Yeah.

It's hard to tell because it has got that mustard smell, so that might be nice and the actual flavour when you get the salt. I'll let you start, then you can have the first bite. Eli's going into the tube and he's pulling out a hot dog Pringle. Problem is I've got bits of fucking mac and cheese with bacon stuck in between my fillings. Wash your mouth out with some booze then, you fucking wretched twat. You don't have to be nasty to me, you know. The podcast still works without you doing that every sort of, I don't know, seven minutes on average.

I disagree with someone with the ego as fragile as mine. The only way I can make myself feel good is to belittle you. I know, and that is sadly true. It's not like this is not subtext to the podcast. This is the text. This is the texttext to the podcast. This is the text. Eat the Pringles. This is going well now, isn't it?

Chogia. Oh, I don't like that. No, no, no. Why don't you like it? You'll see. Alright, I'm going to give it a go. That's a miss from the Pringles people. God. It smells burnt give it a go. That's really bad. That's a miss from the Pringles people. God.

It smells burnt. Here we go. Oh, what the fuck's that? They fucked that up. That is like Snyderverse. That doesn't even taste like sausage. It's just disgusting. Actually disgusting.

It's paprika, and then it moves straight into mustard. In that order as well. It's not even sharp. It's a farty mustard. I don't even know how to describe it. It's so farty from beginning to end. Farty mustard. Basically. Do you know what I mean?

But there's sort of like... That is truly one of the worst crisps. I didn't think Pringles were capable of that. It's like a chicken's laid a bad egg on my tongue. Yeah, it's really bad. I don't even... It's were capable of that. It's like a chicken's laid a bad egg on me tongue. Yeah, it's really bad. I don't even... It's like a sentry egg bursting in your mouth. Do you remember those crisps we did on Digitizer and they were everything flavour and they were fucking delicious? Yeah. This is like the bad

reverse universe version of that, isn't it? It's like everything's clashing. The bad timeline version. All the flavours are clashing with each other in that. In a really nasty way. That's it, they clash. There's not enough sausage flavour in there to make you go, oh, sausage.

Now do you understand amplitude? Now do you understand it? I've always understood amplitude. What I don't understand is your obsession with that phrase. All right. Got to say it. Let's move on to crisps,

because, surprise, it's quavers. Hey, who could have foresorn that? But we're not doing any old Quavers because we've done Quavers. They have made a big fuss about bringing back the flavours from the 80s and, I guess, 90s, which were prawn cocktail and salt and vinegar. No, I did not know that. These are actual sort of retro flavours. Well, friend of the show, Pat Sharp, appears in the adverts for them. Ah, the new campaigner, I haven't caught that.

Yeah, to kind of say, oh, look, remember the old things from the old days? Oh, and it's got, like, person in flames or whatever. Yeah, it's got that. Right. Yeah. Has it got some of Dealey Boppers or something? Yeah, something like that.

Sorry, I just did a fart, and I wondered if I'd followed through, and I got distracted. You don't want to be saying that. You don't want to be going down that road. Well, I hadn't followed through, but I think it's just because it's warm. My bum hole's quite moist. We're in a very nice spot, actually, here on the grounds of New Orleans House.

It's very warm, isn't it? Is it New Orleans House? It's just Orleans. No, it's just called Orleans House. There is a toilet and it is working in these COVID times. In these COVID times. That's good to know, dear. Right, so anyway, Quavers. We're going to try to, I guess, retro flavours because they brought them back in the past. They are retro.

This is the world we swim in. This is the ocean we swim in. It's like the Monster Munch gambit, isn't it? We made them shit. Exactly. Let's go back to the past so people buy them. Like the Whispers as well. Well, it's not the same as Monster Munch because there was never an update of Quavers

that was shit. True. Was there? True. Good point. Where do you want to start? This is just reintroducing flavours that fell by the wayside. By the wayside.

Where do I want to start? Prawn cocktail. And look, Quavers green salted vinegar bag. That's it. They're on brand. Is that still with Walkers? Is there green? That's Walkers, yeah. And I guess prawn cocktail is pink as is its want. It's pink across very many brands. Right, so what did you say, sorry? I was off on my own world when you said

what flavour you like to try. Salt and vinegar or prawn cocktail please. Alright, give me the huff and then give me the taste Mr Silverman. Quavers as you know are called, what are they, kind of puffs, it's a light curly potato snack. I don't know how they make them. They bake them, probably. Maybe. I don't know. Give us a hoof report. Oh, my God. That is one of the most deeply farty.

It's like a baby's nappy that someone's trying to fucking spray perfume on. And it's in a car. And it's kind of coming from the back. Do you know what I mean? Wait, so someone's changing a nappy in a car? In the back seat of a car, and they're spraying perfume. And they're febrezing it. And the air conditioning is just sort of pushing it into the front. That's made me feel quite nauseous.

You'll see what I mean. Yeah, right. See how accurate that is. Let's try it. Give the huff. There's a little huff hole there. It's a good huff. God, you're right.

It smells like someone's farted in the back. Yeah. And, like, followed through a bit. It's really eggy. It's the cheese. It's the cheese. It's the egginess of the potato with the... Oh God, that's really farty.

Because in my mind, it's almost tomatoey, the flavour for prawn cocktail. There's that overlap, that sort of fruity, umami sort of area. It's not like a prawn cracker. I'm going to try one. sort of area. It's not like a prawn cracker. I'm going to try one. Quite subtle. It comes. It comes at the back,

the tart, the sort of vinegar. Strangely, not as strong a flavour as I thought it was going to be. No, there's something about the texture of it that sort of delivers it at a different pace

than a potato chip. Do you know what I mean? It's usually smothered in dustings. Whereas this doesn't feel that way. Because the texture is all aerated on a quaver, isn't it? So the actual flavour molecules are delivered to your tongue in a different sort of tempo and distribution. Do you know what I mean?

And it's like a slower... It doesn't taste like a cocktail. No, not at all. It tastes more like tomato. I'm impressed. I love a quaver, me, as well. A cheesy quaver. Yeah. not at all. It tastes more like tomato. I'm unimpressed. I love a quaver, me, as well. A cheesy quaver. Yeah.

Quaver's one of my favourite snacks. I just let them sit on my tongue and dissolve. There's a reason it didn't catch on. I don't think that flavour doesn't work with that type of snack, I'd say. Weird. And yet, maybe that's why the standard flavour fell out of favour after a while. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. To be fair, we don't even know if these taste like the original flavours from the past.

There's no way we can possibly judge that. They're all right. You know, when you swallow it down, it does have a sort of prawn cocktail flavour. But it's not... It's maybe too subtle. It's not very strong, no. All right.

Too farty. Well, I would give that a five out of ten. Oh, by the way, hot dogs getting one. Wow. Those go in the hall of shame. That was a fucking shaft of arse flavour. Seriously, what I can't imagine, those and those waffle chicken things that we had. The hall of shame.

What's your view of salt and vinegar as a flavour? It's a flavour that can't go wrong for me. I love it any way you want it. Slap it on. Salt and vinegar. I've got this salt and vinegar shoe here. I didn't know this was going to be a whole fucking thing with you. I've got a salt and vinegar shoe here.

Right. Yeah. I'll have it. Thank you. How much is it? 20p. Stop. Stop.

I like the sweeter flavourings. Like, for instance, you know, Smith's Square Crisp salt and vinegar. I love that. You're so sugar-happy. I know. I've got sweeter flavourings. Like, for instance, you know, Smith Square Crisp Salt and Vinegar. I love that. You're so sugar-happy. I know, I've got a sweet tooth. He's having a hot... There's something about the Quavers that is very sulfurous. And fatty.

That smells like a chip shop to me. I like it. I'm happy with that. I don't get the egginess of that. That is a chip shop vibe. I'm going to taste one of these salt and vinegar. I think we're going to like these. Again, nice but

subtle. They're not as strong as I thought they were going to be. No, it's because of the texture. It can't deliver the flavour as quickly because there's too much air hitting your tongue. Do you know what I'm getting at? There's spaces where the air bubble is, where the flavour isn't being delivered. So it's not a uniform, you know what I mean? It's not a coating. Yeah, it doesn't hit your tongue in a coating.

It hits it in different... Do you know what I'm getting at? I could demolish that. They're better. I don't love them, but they're better definitely than the prawn cocktail flavour ones. I could demolish that. Yeah, you'd demolish that. I'd give the Quavers prawn cocktail a five and them a seven.

I think I'm in concurrence with you there. Yeah. They are nice. I'm starting to get the claw hand on this bag. When you get the claw hand, you know they've beaten you. That's when you know when you're eating. It's like when you get a bag of popcorn and you're just realising you're just pulling fist to fist some fucking popcorn out of your mouth.

Those are nice, those salt and vinegar ones. Those are good. Those are worth bringing back. Look, they put them in a fish and chip cone. Yeah, that's a good little design thing. There's a little disposable chippy fork. Yeah, and a cone. And a cone of newspaper.

Oh, I like that. In the design. Cocktail. Yeah, look, 70s cocktail. And as if the curled quaver is the prawn in the cocktail. Coming out of the 70s with a little umbrella that you put in cocktails in cheesy 70s. Can I just say... I like the design.

I like the design. Yeah. Can I just say, the very idea of a prawn cocktail dessert is disgusting to me. It's not a dessert. It's just prawns with mayonnaise, essentially. No, I know, but... It's delicious, done right. I love it. It's still disgusting.

The idea of mixing mousse with seafood is disgusting to me. It's ketchup and mayonnaise. It's fucking horrible. And paprika. It's one of those disgusting 70s things that I fucking hate. It's not. It's not as bad as sausages and cake in jelly with a fish head or whatever. It's fucking Fanny Craddock's batter.

That's what it is. Anyway, we're going to end now with the Easter part. Is this time for the ritual? It's time for the ritual. Get Chegwin. Get Chegwin because it is time for us to as the pagan association with rabbits and hares and

fertility denote, we must now devour a rabbit. But don't worry, ladies and gentlemen, we're not going to really eat a rabbit because we've been sent in the post. I need to get my phone for this. Hang on. I've lost Cheggers. Have you lost him? Yeah.

How have you lost Cheggers? I don't know. I must have left him in Ragnarok Park. You didn't because we checked the park and there was nothing there. Now someone's going to think they found a wedding ring. Oh, here he is. God, could you imagine if you walk in the park, you found a wedding ring box like that and then inside is a dead, stillborn mole. It might set you on a path towards the way.

So this was sent, we got a great big package with loads and loads of American candies and noodles in. It's not that, it's not that funny. It has caught me, it has caught me, Paul. With cheap sincerity by someone called Stock, S-T-O-C-K. Cheap sincerity, thank you. He's staring at us. I'm not staring at anyone. Trees.

That's another thing I could have said. Shut up. Fucking. I've got Chegwin. Good. Let me just read out this. It's the rattle of the Chegwin. So Stock, if that is real name,

sent us a load of stuff. Okay, that's why I was getting hung up on that. And there was a lot of peeps. And I've pulled out a couple of peeps for this. Peeps are? Explain. Peeps are a standard Easter treat here in the America States.

I can't read today. I don't know if you have them in the UK. No, we don't unless you go to one of those candy American stores in the West End. Oh, they're in those.

Yeah. But you've probably heard of them. Yes, we have heard of them. They are bunny or chick-shaped marshmallows covered in... You only get those two. ...coloured in sugar.

You only get those two. Do they do Batman special editions? I don't think. Do they do like... I don't know. Smurfs? I don't know. Christmas Smurfs?

I don't know. Yes. Hey! In interest of science, I now humble myself before your majestic powers of discernment and ask that you settle the argument and proclaim the truth about peeps. We'll do what we can. Are they different? Are they the same?

Are they gross? Jock the same? Are they gross? Jock? Is he called Jock? Stock. That's what it says. Only your formidable might can solve this conundrum. Hello, I'm Stock Market. Eli, the hot tamale ones are new this year.

Oh. I don't like spicy cinnamon food. I prefer sweet. Tell me what you think. So. Thank you, Jock. For the sake of brevity, I've pulled out Peeps Bunnies. Stock.

Thank you, stock. Peeps marshmallows. And it says, soft, yummy Peeps brand marshmallow bunnies are perfect for Easter baskets, snacking, baking, and more. Show us how you express your Peepsonality. Oh, I see that. Yeah. And I guess you could bake them.

They've got a sort of 50s vibe about them, don't they? They're just marshmallow covered in sugar. Yeah, but do you know what I mean? They've got a sort of 50s vibe about them, don't they? They're just marshmallow covered in sugar. Yeah, but do you know what I mean? They've got a sort of 50s, the packaging and everything. They're very yellow. You can imagine them existing in 50s Americana. Yeah, you can. They can.

Like those candy corns that you get in America at Halloween. Why does everything smell of nappies to me now? Yeah, you know what? This does smell like a nappy though. I will say that to you. I know nose don't lie man it smells like it almost smells like a kind of uh festival toilet yeah it really does what's wrong right let's let's try this this is just generic flavor bunnies they're yellow they're lemon yellow but they're just oh they're very soft i've taken a whole row out there. You've grabbed one off the end.

I've grabbed a little bunny off the end, and now I'm going to eat it. It is like a citrusy. Do you know what I mean? No, there's not. There's a sourness. No. Oh, God. Oh, God.

That is generic marshmallow bullshit. How is this allowed to be food? It's soft, and then it's literally drenched in sugar. Yeah. It's like eating sugar with a turd in the middle. I guess it goes with the theme of spring because it's all about rebirth. Let's have the hot tamale ones now Paul. Right, I'm trying to chew this. God, I'm doing micro bites. It's horrible man, Just get it down. Have a swig of Desperado. Cheers. Desperado.

Cheers to the spring equinox and the pagan rites of spring. Yes. And Twickenham. To regrowth and rebirth. Where is old Twicker? He comes round the ham. He comes through the garden of Orleans. Right, let's move on to Peeps.

These are brand new for this year. Hot tamales. This is a brand crossover, Peeps and Hot Tamales. What are Hot Tamales, though? They are little, very fiery cinnamon sweets in the vein of a Mike and Ike or like that. Like a little chew. No, cinnamon.

The heat is the cinnamon heat. Because America does have a thing about that, and it's candy, where it really likes its kind of hot tamale. To me, you hear it in films, like, that's a hot tamale. No, no. No, no. A hot tamale, a tamale is a corn flour dish from Mexico, a tamale. Right.

It's basically corn flour with some meat or something. Couldn't it be cooked in a leaf sort of thing? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Steamed in a leaf. Delicious. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what a tamale is. And these are hot tamales. This is just like a pun that they've used for the name of the sweet. There's nothing about a tamale linking it to the

flavour of cinnamon but you'd say that's a hot tamale meaning you know someone of the opposite sex who was... Get fired up it says on the back. Attractive. The cinnamon flavour of hot tamales and peeps marshmallows. Two classic candies come together in one sweet and spicy treat. They must be both owned by PepsiCo or something, I bet. Basically, that's what these crossover things are about. No, it's you know what's weird? So, it's peepsbrand.com

I can't see any of the other company subsidiary attention, but it's got the address Just Born Inc. Bethlehem, PA Pennsylvania. It's weird. Just Inc. Bethlehem, PA. Pennsylvania. It's weird. Just Born Bethlehem, PA. Is that the name of the company? Just Born?

No, that's the name of the town. No, it says Just Born Inc. I-N-C. Incorporated, right? 2020. They're evil. Right, I'm going to give it a huff this time. I'm going in. I think these are going to be disgusting, by the way. But who knows?

Do you like that hot cinnamon sort of... Yeah, I do. ...numbing, that tongue-numbing flavour? Yeah, but I don't like the texture of marshmallow. Oh! Oh! I'm getting the real raw huff report from Paul here. It's exactly what you think it's going to smell like.

You know those soapy cinnamon-y kind of candy treats? Jawbreaker hot kind of thing. Oh, what's going on? Did you take too big a hoof? No, I'm fine. Did you fly too close to the hoof?

I'm fine. Oh yeah, I've got this cinnamon smell, that's all I'm getting really. They look like little chicks, but they look like chicks that a hunter has hunted and mounted on the wall. Do you know what I mean? They look like chicks, but they also look like curled-up turds.

Doesn't it look like they're mounted on the wall, though? Yeah. They look like little sad penises. They look like little curled-up sad penises with fucking mouse poo up their eyes. The eyes look like mouse poos in the sun. Great, let's just eat this quick. Here we go, big bite.

Is that like a cinnamon seed? No, I don't know. That's unpleasant. Paul, I'll take that off your hands. You don't have to eat any more of that. I think it's a text, yeah? I can't believe this is what we do now. I brought up all that lager as well.

Yeah, you're right. It's aniseed seed. They're aniseeds for the eyes. This is a potent detail we shouldn't gloss over. It feels like someone else has been sick in my mouth. It really is not pleasant. I didn't have that kind of gag reflex. But look, it's got little bits of aniseed.

Yeah, which is nice I like that I used to like get that you know you get an aniseed ball but doesn't it mention that on the packaging very peculiar lying bastards

right well that's am I right in thinking the eyes were aniseeds yeah they were seeds weren't they yeah isn't that weird though yeah that's weird a seed is like spring

a seed is is you know what I mean it's all the rebirth the rebirth growing out of the earth you should eat chiggers well the secret is like spring. A seed is, you know what I mean? The birth. The rebirth. Growing out of the earth. You should eat

Cheggers. Well, the secret, I'm not going to eat Cheggers. Eat Cheggers down in one. We said we'd feed him to a dog. We said we'd feed him

to a dog. That was the ritual. So you eat Cheggers as a sacrifice. I would never eat Cheggers. If there was a dog here that was up for it, I would feed it to him.

Because I think that'd be horrible. That'd be the right thing to do. What are we going to do with Cheggers, then? He's been present. He's present. He is the seedling. He is the seedling. Yes, he's the aniseed on the hot tamale face. Is he our totem?

There's another plane going over. Well done. He is our totem of spring. And he's along for this journey with us, Paul. Right, well, let's move on because we have an Easter egg hunt. Can we have a little smoke break?

Yeah, we'll have a little smoke and a drink break and then we'll move on because we've got to... Oh, Snoopy book. Oh, well, we'll mention that in a bit. Oh, sorry. Because this has been half an hour.

No, you're getting carried away. You're getting carried away. It's been more than half an hour now, Paul. You're going to what? Hurt me? No. You're going to hurt me here?

No. You're going to try it on? No, you won't. You're going to what, hurt me? No. You're going to hurt me here? No. You're going to try it on? No, you won't. You have to go to the loo. That's what you're going to do. Yeah, I've got to go for a pee as well. We'll do all that. Yeah, piss report.

Join us back. Oh, Paul. No, there's no piss report. Can we end this fucking segment? One thing before we do, right? Can I just say, I've got this new phrase. When you're in a park and you need to go wee-wee, you say, is it a pishon impossible?

And then if you do it successfully, if you do it successfully, you come back and you go, pishon accomplished. Come on. You're going on a pishon of your own, aren't you, Paul? Pishon accomplished. Anyway, thanks for listening to Cheap Show. See you after the break. Eli's pissed everyone

just so you know he's had a few bottles and he's fucking walking around staggering now bossing me about like he does when he gets drunk here we go what's he got to say now

we're in Orleans Park and I'm by the sign here London Borough of Richmond upon Thames what do you think of their logo and absolutely uninterested doesn't say anything about the history of the site but this is the park associated with Orleans house so so I assume but I like the modernist design of the toilet block and calf here but

modernist fucking design a little complaint about Orleans Park house garden lawn is didn't sell me coffee and it said open and I walked in and I had a whole chalkboard with cappuccino so forth written on it and I said hello you went no coffee no it's Twickenham ways I guess don't get a coffee even if you're fucking open. Maybe they were closed. Or ran out of coffee. It's a nice day. On a lighter note, Paul, here are some beautiful old trees down by the Thames here

in Twickenham on the way to Richmond, as we are today. Do you want to take a picture of a big fucking tree? Look at the size of that fucker, man. An old oak just by the river's edge. Go take a stand-by. I'll take a picture. I'm going to do a take a picture. Here we go.

Watch this. Ready? Just to show how big the tree is. I need it small. Here we go. Look at this. You're right. It's a big old tree. There you go. So what are we doing? Tell them what we're doing.

Well, now we're walking along the Thames side. Oh, that tree's in the river. Yes. That's good, isn't it? We're walking now along the Thames bank towards Richmond Bridge, and then maybe from there... Are we on the south bank or the north bank of the Thames? We're on the south bank of the Thames, aren't we?

Yes, because we haven't crossed, have we, and we started at Twickenham. You're right. So we're off now, and... Oh, let's talk about that book you found. Oh, I found a Snoopy maze, children's Snoopy maze book. So we were walking on the road and there was a box on a wall full of books. Obviously one of those just take me books kind of thing, right? So we looked and there were some interesting things there.

But Eli, what did you find? It was a Snoopy do-your-own-maze. Not do-your-own-maze. What are they called? Maze books. Child's maze. Snoopy. He's lost it.

It was a Snoopy puzzle book, basically, wasn't it? But it was untouched. Mazes. Untouched. Mint on the slippy, slappy cardboard. Mint on... Because it wasn't new. It was like a book from, what, the 80s?

It must have been. Yeah, but in perfect condition. The mazes hadn't been scrawled. I was expecting it to have been scrawled on. Yeah. It's untouched. It's my kind of thing. Like Easter, it is virginial and untouched.

And you can see photos of that find on the website, Paul. And that is thecheapshow.co.uk. It's nice. It's nice and pleasant, this walk. It's very kind of... Can I say something? No one could blame me for having, you know, three Coronas and then just totally falling off.

Could they? Could they? Look at these little wells along the way. Little culverted wells. Look at this U-shaped culvert. It's great around here. Very, you know, resonant of the old town. There's that big house. Look at the big house

over there. That's very grand. What is that? I don't know. Some fucking big old fucking house. It could be 20th century, though. Maybe. So we're just going to carry on walking now and find a place to park for the next pagan picnic part of our

perilous predicament. Picnic? Yeah. We've got to get pagan. I've done that already. I want to get nice and pagan. How do you want to get nice and pagan though? We're just celebrating rebirth. Ball sweat. Round of fire. Ball sweat.

Do the dance. Stop drinking. No one could blame me for, you know. No one could blame me for killing 17 people. No one could blame me. There's flowers by this. It's a bench. Vicky Bergman, you are my life, you are my everything,

and then some flowers. That sounds extremely heartbroken. Oh, yeah, because that's what love is, isn't it? It's a bond between two people that transcends logic and reason. Another 70s kitsch cartoon. What?

Love Is, the Love Is series. I'm not going to put a dead lover's bench up against Love Is. Well, you said that's what love is. You used the phrase. It is a phrase said that's what love is you used the phrase it's a phrase it's a snoopy snoopy and love is we're around at the same time it's a phrase heat of the moment we were just discussing just discussing the uh asia and yes and all those interesting things that uh can i ask something now? Go on.

How far is it up there? Well, the whole journey's not that far. It's only like three miles. I think we've done a mile. I don't know if I can go on. No, you laugh, but... Yeah, I am. It's all memorial benches up here. The magnificent Martin Davis died in 2019.

Either he made me think or he made me laugh, but he never made me come. No, stop, put it away now. You've crossed the line into mocking the dead. Is that punching down? Like six feet down? Beautiful, the way the light is playing off the surface. Yeah, do you want to take a picture of that? We need some pictures. Why don't you take a picture? All right, let's stop at this bench. Stop at that bench.

Let's stop at that bench. Yeah, that bench. There's a bomb on it. There's not at this bench. Let's stop at that bench. Let's stop at that bench. Yeah, that bench. There's a bomb on it. There's not a bomb on it. There's something on that bench, the back of that bench. Yes. What can you see on that bench? It looks like a bag.

It's like a tramp's bag full of poo. It's not a tramp's bag full of poo. It's full of something. I'm going to investigate it. I bet it's got cold food or something in it. It looks like a picnic bag that's been left there. It's full of fucking deadly salami. Right. Are we sitting here? No, just take a picture. or something in it. It looks like a picnic bag that's been left there. It's full of fucking deadly salami. Right.

Are we sitting here? No, just take a picture. Someone sandwiched that. There is no happiness like that of being loved by your fellow creatures and that feeling that your presence is an addition to their comfort by Charlotte Bronte is a bench full of her quote now. And so with the sunshine and the great burst of leaves growing on the trees, just as things grow in fast movies, I had that familiar conviction that life was beginning all over again with the

summer it's very themic today's walk if you notice that that quote's fucking all equinoxy yeah mate we're we're looking into some fucking energies here that's what i'm saying pagan energies i don't know what pagan stuff is. I like all the trees growing out of the water. Yeah, it's beautiful. And is that a duck or a heron or a... It's a moorhen. Moorhen. Moorhen.

Justin Moorhen, the comedian. These will be up on my Instagram. Very pretty. And they'll be on our website, thecheapshow.co.uk. I need to take... There's a weird sandwich bag on this bench. Dare you look inside? Go and have a look.

What's in it? Oh! That's... Weird sandwich bag on this bench. Dare you look inside? Go and have a look. What's in it? Oh! Nice! Someone's lunch was in it. Someone's lunch was in it. Old lunch. They obviously just sat there and forgot.

They obviously left it there and forgot and walked off. And they've probably gone halfway home and thought, I don't need my fucking mac and cheese. Is that enough fudge for you, mister? Yeah, it's fine. We just need to keep a record of this journey. Look, there's more flooding there. Yeah, a little bit of flooding. Well done.

Well pointed out. Fucking Poirot. I've never walked down this stretch before. It's quite nice. That's why it's on... This is part of the... I like the camber of the walk. Is this now part of the walk that you researched?

Yeah. Hastily, the other day. Yeah. We're in the main part of the walk. We've bypassed one bit I wanted to go to, which is all those fountains and statues of ladies but we're walking past Marble Hill House which I believe is level 3

on Thon at the Edge, Jock you can go in here, Marble Hill House all it'll do is take you back onto this road I mean probably but there's no point, it's just the feel with the people playing football we're getting almost run over by cyclists here. Battery ran out.

That's your booze bottle. Pick it up. Don't leave it there. I wasn't going to. Don't fucking throw shade at me. Look at this weird tramp boat. Comment on that. Describe that, Paul.

We need your descriptive powers. It looks like a set from Blade Runner. It's like Waterworld or something, isn't it? Yeah. So it's all tacked together, sort of bits of... It's like scaffolding and boats and bikes and pans and... With pipes. What is that? Take a picture of that, you bastard.

That's the kind of thing we need to take pictures of on this journey. Oh, I've put my phone away now. Well, then get it out, because it's the only thing I'm asking you to fucking do on this walk. Let's go up to this bench, then. Right. We can't keep stopping at every bench. I just think, look, that's a great angle.

Look at that. It's so... Let's stop at the fucking bench. All right, we're going to... Coffee. We need coffee. No, what you need is a fucking good old fisting. This Shangri-La is turning into a fucking nightmare, Paul.

Everything. Like this typical fucking cheap show shit show. This isri-La is turning into a fucking nightmare, Paul. Everything. Like this typical fucking cheap show shit show. This is proper council estate 80s bench. Get a shot of that.

I'll get a shot of that. You take the picture. You know what? You're a useless wank. Right, we're going to come back to you in a minute. We're going to take some pictures and then we're going to

come back to you. This was just meant to be a fucking short piece to start the journey down Richmond and we're, you know, you've ruined it with your over enthusiasm can

a rest in peace Margaret 1972 shut up literally let's just let's put a pin in this and we'll come back to you later join us later on this fantastic walk you're a strong man John might stronger than I care to be. Then shower up with Irish Spring. Ah, the double deodorant soap for long-lasting protection. Look, in these green and white stripes are two deodorants. That means long-lasting protection. What a fine, fresh smell.

That's why I use it, too. Irish Spring, with two deodorants, for long-lasting deodorant protection. Right, where are we? Where are we? Richmond Ice Rink and Pellarbon Munitions Works, the most famous ice rink in the world. So we've been walking along the riverfront, the Thames side, heading from Twickenham to... It's a lovely walk,'t it it's very beautiful

beautiful light today Paul we're enjoying the rebirth of our podcast in a spiritual sense I think today we're like a seed

we remain enclosed in a sort of weedy membrane weedy membrane and we burst forth

in the springtime Cheggers knows yeah Cheggers is our is our guide he our totem, he's our spiritual element. We're along the river a bit towards Richmond, aren't we? And we've come across a historical notice board next to this very garish estate. It looks like there was an ice rink here, Paul.

Richmond ice rink. The partly demolished building in the photo on the left was one of five Pellebon munitions workshops in 1914-18 and then turned to general engineering, but this one was converted into an ice rink. So there used to be a munitions factory and then it was converted into an ice rink. That's good.

Charles Pellebon's earliest workshop had started in a disused roller rink. Oh, come off it, mate. No one wants it. No, I'm not interested either. I just thought it would be some nice colour. It's an ice rink. It would have been better than this, wouldn't it? Outside of Twickenham Ice Rink, 1977. There, it looks like a building.

And there's an aerial view. They destroyed it. They put up a parking lot. They put up this. They paved paradise and they put up a parking lot. In 1978, Sportsdome Limited sold the rink to property developer Tony Cuntu, who sold it in 1987 to London and Edinburgh. Tony what? Sorry?

Caratu. Why did you say Cuntu? He's a property developer and he's the bad guy. Are you going to say all unwashed pee-pee holes now, are you? No. The rink continued to operate until 1992. The rink you did. When Eli's penis was washed for the first time since birth. 1972? Yeah.

Three years before I was born. 1978. 87 is when you washed it. I was alive. Yeah. And you washed it. What, you're saying my mum? You're talking about my mum now?

No, I'm not talking about your mum. You're saying if I hadn't washed my penis as a child, then my mum's to blame, basically, or my dad. Or someone needs to tell me about that stuff. No, you did it because you just screamed like a harpy. Oh, I screamed like a what? Like a pig? Every time someone had to touch it for whatever reason, to clean it, move it, whatever, you'd scream.

You'd scream. And so your parents were afraid to touch it. So you did in Washington in 1987 when it grew a fungus. Paul. And it looked like fucking with a smurf slip. This is not the time or the fucking place to make up a penis law for me about something. If you want to know more,

you can go to the most famous ice rink in the world, www.icerinx.com. It's not a great website town. It probably doesn't exist anymore. But if you want to know more, you can. We're going to walk down now a little bit more with Eli and his unwashed cock. By the side of the old ice rink.

I stink more like. Turn off the dad, yeah? Put the dad down. Stand back and put the dad, yeah? Put the dad down. Stand back and put the dad down on the ground. No one has to die here. We need to get to the next point, Paul, in our journey this spring picnic. Look, there's a model of an owl on a post.

Oh, look, there's more. There's loads of bird models on this. Are they to scare the squirrels or something? Scare the squirrels? I don't know. They're not squirrels, i don't know they're not squares are squares no i just think they put them they built on the side of this yeah it's all very kind of like disney property ish isn't it though is that it right let's move on stop this way i think he's coming this way i can't believe it i can't believe it's the name of his YouTube channel, Paul? Grand Illusions. Grand Illusions, man. Tim from Grand Illusions is standing literally metres away from us.

Across on the corner of Cambridge Road. I'm starstruck, Eli. The corner of Cambridge Road and what's this? Richmond Lane or I don't fucking know. It's east of Twickenham. It's all South London, isn't it? It's all evil. Here he comes.

Here he comes. It's exciting. It's all very exciting stuff. I don't know what to say. Don't make eye contact. What if he wants to see our stuff. I don't know what to say. Don't make eye contact. What if he wants to see our toys? I don't know. So where are we going next on our journey?

It's bloody weird, isn't it? It's bloody weird seeing him. I didn't think he existed. He's like a character from early on in the podcast's history, isn't he? It really is. And he's appearing, it's very spring. But of course he's a posh twat who would live around here. I didn't know he lived in London at all. Push him.

Push him. Here he goes. Tim goes across the road. Towards Langtry House. He was talking. You know, I noticed him just on the curb there. He was talking to an old friend or acquaintance. And the guy who he was talking to said, are you still doing them, are you? Do you think what he was referring to?

Videos and stuff. Yeah, fair enough. Should we follow him? Because we're going that way anyway. No, let's just leave it. It's a magic moment. Let him go on his way into Richmond. What's he doing?

He's quite old, isn't he? Well, yeah. He's been banging around for years, hasn't he? As a toy fur collector, gadgets and stuff. But he's just having a stroll here in Richmond. All right, let's cross the road. Let's talk to everyone about where we are. The foot of this bridge is not known. I've got a thought.

I've got a thought, right. Tell me what this bridge is. This is just a... You don't know? I don't know. But it's a bridge. And it crosses the Thames. This is where the most useless...

Look at the size of that jumbo coming down into Heathrow. It's huge in the sky. Yeah, I know. Cross the road. So, look, here's the thing. We can't stay on this side, the south side of the bank, because there's no path this way. We have to cross over and then continue it that way.

Really? Yeah. It means we can stalk Tim from Grand Illusions and see where he goes maybe he goes into a toy shop is that cinema still going? the Odeon across the bridge

it is going but it's obviously what bridge is this? I don't know use your map I'm recording what do you want from me to be an octopod man?

octopod man well that'd be good I have many arms I can work a camera at the same time I can work all this mate maybe I should get my camera at the same time I can work all this. Mate maybe I should get my camera out and we can film as we're walking over the bridge maybe catch

him as proof because no one's gonna believe us if we say we saw Tim from Grand Illusions. No they would because it's so banal and weird. I just don't know. We would make something like that. No we would because we're shit. Well, I haven't. Either way, we're crossing the bridge towards Richmond. A lovely area. And we're going to try and figure out where we go from here because we can go further on, but we have to cross into the north side. We can head down towards the lock, if you fancy it. The road is Richmond Road, so it must be Richmond Bridge.

Well, what's that bridge over there, then? Which is where the trains go over. I don't know. See, there's no path. It's all secret private property stuff. It can't go down that way. Look how many people there are. Look how many people basking in the sunlight.

That's Twickenham Road, that one. Yeah, alright, Twickenham Road. That's where the trains go over. They're the opposite way round or something. Listen, mate. I think we've got a good opportunity here to kidnap Tim from Grand Illusions and hijack his channel.

And then we can take over it. We can't. We can't get his password and stuff. Are you saying we should torture him? Where would we do this? For his information, yeah, of course. Oh, that's... Why are you, like...

It's such a bad vibe today. I've got a great vibe. I'm in a great mood. I'm trying to say rebirth. You're like, let's abduct an old man and steal his funds. And you said about that niffy winky thing. Unwashed winkies.

That's true, though. That's a historic fact. Look, we're losing Tim. I need to think this through. Brigham and Bridge, it's one of those two. We can overwhelm him. He looks frail. So we're losing Tim. I need to think this through. Brigham and Bridge, it's one of those two. We can overwhelm him. He looks frail, so we can grab him. And we can maybe get his toys.

We take over that way. You know, like, what's a business that hostile takeover? I can't believe you're still going on about this. Hostile takeover. Some people would have spotted us. I mean, look, we don't have a van. So it's not as if we can... We don't have a van. We don't have a van. So it's not as if we can, uh. We don't have a van.

We don't have a van. We've lost him now. We've lost Tim. How are we going to grow our channel if we can't kidnap old people? Why is that amusing to you? It is. Oh.

You fanning around like a coward. We could have grabbed him. Stuck him on a boat and floated him down the river. Oh, mate, we've lost Tim. Well, we weren't following him. And he only got a picture of him from behind, so no one's going to fucking believe us now. It doesn't matter. It does matter.

You and I both know in our hearts. In our hearts we know what the truth is. Well, that's it. All you have to do is speak your heart's truth, man. My heart's truth is I know I saw Tim from Grand Illusions here in Twickenham and I bet that you could do some...

Did he go down there? You could do some backup evidence because you could find out where he actually lived, what part of London and, you know, that is too much of a coincidence

if it had been that. I mean, no, it was definitely him and part of me wished I'd said hello but, you know what I mean? Because you know what that guy's saying or you're still doing the videos the videos who didn't go if we came up to him we

love your videos mate we've lost the opportunity to give an old man worth I'm dying here man of dehydration those three beers but I'll get you a coffee so we just followed Tim from Grand Illusions for a few minutes. We've got some video footage of us walking past him. So if you're a patron, you may have seen that by now, or you'll be seeing it soon, as we did a little video version of this podcast that has kind of stuff between the audio. So if you want to see that video,

I don't think it's that long, of our little adventures, then you can. You can go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show and get involved and then see the video footage of us kind of stalking Tim from Grand Illusions. We should have said hello. Should have done something. Should have done something.

But there you go. It's exciting. This has been a very interesting day full of excitement and surprises and rebirth. There's a big chopper. Big red chopper. I wonder where he's gone. Anyway, Elo's just gone to get a coffee because he's stupendously fucking drunk.

He needs his coffee. So I've sent him to sort that out, so he's off to do that. And I'm just waiting outside. So we'll see you in a little bit because we're going to end this walk with our ritual sacrifice of cheggers to the pagan gods so we can accept rebirth renew on success in 2021 with cheap show so uh bear with us as we head towards the final ceremony on this cheap show pagan picnic which is not really that pagan and i'm certain that a lot of pagan people will find this deeply incorrect and offensive so we apologize it's not my fault it's eli's joke it was eli's idea i just wanted eggs and rabbits right see you in a bit

important update ladies and gentlemen eli do you want to explain what just happened? I've just been shat on by a bird near the river, and it's burning like it's acid. It's on my pinky. It's a stinky pinky from last week. Stinky pinky and cloth sausage. Yeah, I don't know what else you want me to say. This day's gone really bad.

I'm really tired, and I feel mealy-mouthed, fat-mouthed and mealy. Well, for me, it was enjoyable to see a bird take a shit on your hand. And it's good luck. You didn't see it come out? I did. No, you didn't. With this fabrication, why do you have to make shit up?

You're always showing off. A bird shat on my finger. Let that be enough. You know? Just let that be enough. For you, Paul. Why does it have to be a big deal? Oh, some tramp came and then sucked me off

and then like a bird shat my knob or something. Is that what you want? Do you want me to play along with that? Bear in mind I said nothing for the past 60 seconds. All I know is that... It's like Hitchcock's The Birds. How many birds there are in that tree. Except attacking you, they shat on you.

Is the quest almost over? I saw the cloaca tweak. Has the circle been completed? No, we have a ritual to do. We have a sacrificial ritual. Retire on the trail. We need to find a small, quiet place next to the river for our final sacrifice. It's really...

It's fucked with my whole biome, that fucking bird shit, I tell you. It's got it on my nose or something. Well, I think the cloaca... Those birds can attack me. Look, they're coming for me now. Yeah, they're coming for you. It's a shit on you. The cloaca has gone quack quacker and it's a splatter on my finger.

Nothing, absolutely nothing. Oh, he's taken a piss by that thing, that guy over there. He's just taken a piss right there. He just doesn't mind, he's out in the open. It's the curse of someone's going to fart near you soon as well. No, that hasn't happened yet today. No one's actually let rip next to me, although I did let rip earlier. Remember that? Yeah.

That was fun. Right, let's go find a place for our sacrifice. All right. For nigh on 300 years, Ben Truman has been smiling on the labours of Britain's hop pickers. Year after year, the good hops of Kent, Worcester and Hereford have found their way into Truman beers. Taste our tradition for yourself

in a brimming glass of Ben Truman Export Grafd or Export Pale. For it's as true today as always. You can taste the hops in Ben Truman. So, Eli, here we are. We're approaching the obelisk on Old Deer Road Park. What's it called, Old Deer? Old Deer Park. This is where one of the kings of summer, Eeyore, used to watch the transit of Venus and I think it's an apt end to this journey and I'm not gonna lie Paul, this journey's

taken out of me. You've had waves haven't you? You've had waves of... It's such a fucking incandescently beautiful evening out here in Twickenside, though, isn't it? Yeah. Let me just check Wikipedia. Old Deer Park is an area of open space within Richmond owned by the Crown Estate, London Borough of Richmond-upon-Thames. It covers 147 hectares. It's huge.

90 of which are leased as sports grounds for rugby and golf. Despite the name, there is no deer in the park. Get my frisbee out. Hang on. Location, there's a bit... Nice for a bit of frisbee, mate. Let's get up to the obelisk and... Hang on, I'm fucking... just history.

We need to take our bearings from the obelisk. In the mid-16th century, Richmond Palace was a favourite residence of Queen Elizabeth I in 1574. Yeah, but that's the palace. I know, I'm just fucking context. Not the obelisk. Hang on. Besides the River Thames in the park are a pair of stone obelisks. They were built in 1769.

Those are those ones back there. Over those, yeah. And were originally built by the King's Observatory to observe the transit of Venus across the Sun that year. Thank you very much. The transit of Venus across the Sun takes place when the planet Venus passes directly between the Sun and a superior planet becoming visible against, and hence obscuring

a small portion of, the solar disk. During a transit, Venus can be seen from Earth as a small black dot moving across the face of the Sun. There you go. There you go. There you go. But this obelisk isn't even in there. We've gone to a third obelisk, which is further into the park.

Yeah, I can't seem to find it. You said this was the obelisk. We didn't even have to come up here. This is the one. By those two. Those two. No, those two aren't listed on the map as an obelisk. Only this one we're heading to now, this old one.

This must be a fake obelisk that they've got on the map to stop people congregating by the true obelisks by the side of the Thames. What does that even fucking mean? It means we're at an obelisk of a sort and it's time to get down. Get funky, get with it and maybe do some frottage on the obelisk. Maybe. It's a huge park here. I'm just trying to find this one obelisk fact portland stone obelisks

mark the meridian line of old deer park that must be this and look someone's um carved a lot of graffiti over the years into this because this one's a lot further back than yeah it's way it's at least um sort of quarter of a kilometer away isn't isn't it, from the river? Yeah. Is there a station over there as well? A train station? Yeah. No, the next station will be St Margaret. There's a great bridge, that metal bridge there. What's that one?

I don't know. I don't know. Look how huge this place is. Look, it stretches all the way up there. Yeah, because I say a lot of it is reserved for rugby and golf and stuff. There's children here and there, not socially distancing. No, they're all touching each other's prani. I'll get my Airbnb out.

Have you brought it? Yeah. The observatory and the obelisks, richmondpark.thingamajig. What's it say? The three obelisks, which stand in the Odea Park and Meridian marks, set up for the purpose of adjusting

the transit instruments in the observatory. One pillar corresponding to the east wing of the building, one to the west wing and a solitary obelisk along the towering path towards Brentford indicating the true north of the observatory. One time. Hang on, let me explain what's going on. In 1795 John Little, who was at one time a curator of the observatory, was hanged for the murder of two people at Richmond and was also suspected of having caused the death of a man in Stroud whose body was found under the iron vice in the octagon room of the building. The man, little, had often been George III's only attendant

when he walked in the gardens. What a fact! What a fact! So the principal timepiece was made by Benjamin Vallomi, clockmaker to the king. Later his work was taken over by the observatory at Greenwich. So there is a Greenwich connection. Missed me. Just.

Eli, I'm going to fart on the obelisk. No. Watch out for Cheggers. That didn't happen. That came out like a bubble. So we are now... A great bubble. We are now at the third outside of the two over there,

which is to set the time. So I guess this one was kind of to centre the two points over there. Yeah. Beautiful. Beautiful obelisk. What a lovely obelisk. So here we are on our pagan picnic, Mr. Silverman. Fucking great.

The light is great tonight. Light is great. The weather's fine. It's a lovely, warm, soft evening. I need to slash out a slippy slashy. There's loads of trees over there. Look at that underpass. We can have a slippy slashy over there.

No, I'm going now. Are you going now? I have to go now. I'm sorry. All right, well, you do that then. I'm going to do some eggs. I'm going to eat some eggs. No, can I have one?

Please, could I have an egg? Mate, the plane is coming straight over. It comes straight over the level. Holy shit, that's crazy. Hang on. Quick, picture. Quick, quick, quick. Oh, no phone.

Here we go. Wow, it's going right over. I can see its belly. I can tickle its belly from here. Hang on, I want to take a picture of the obelisk and your fucking air ruby. Right, so Eli's off for a piss. I'm going to take a picture of that as he storms off.

Storms off, strolls off. So here we are. The plan is now to end this podcast. We are going to... Here's the plan. Cheggers is a seed. And we're going to plant that seed at the obelisk in Old Deer Park. We're going to bury him.

And hopefully this will create rebirth. He'll enter the sand, enter the soil, grow, birth, and Cheap Show will benefit. Symbolically, uh, and uh, literally, I don't know. Basically symbolical, symbolically. Eli and I are both a little tipsy. He keeps buying booze and then complaining that he can't piss, tipsy. He keeps buying booze and then complaining that he can't piss so I might follow him later and go for a piss. Anyway wait for us for Eli to return from his slashing and then we shall continue and finish off this ritual. How exciting! Eli, it is time for the final sacrifice. Right.

Here we are. Is that your bottle? Did you leave that here? That bottle of Magnum Jamaican Original. That's sex tonic. Sex tonic? Everything's crawling into place. What is that?

The phallus. Yeah? The sex tonic. It's like a big stone penis penetrating. You literally threw that twice in your neck. I threw it five or six times. Right. So here's what's going

to happen. I'm going to hide an egg on my person and Eli has to find it. And then once Eli has found the egg, then he can bury Cheggers under the obelisk. Right? Yeah, in the way of the camera. The camera's just there. All right? We need to stay in shot, which is about either side of this. Right? I've got Cadbury's mini mix it's a bag of it was a pound and it was dairy milk cream egg

dairy milk Oreo and dairy milk dime which one would you like? Oreo alright let me find an Oreo there we go Oreo I'm going to go behind the obelisk

and hide it upon my person alright don't look it's going in my front trouser pocket just next to my keys and hide it upon my person. All right, don't look. It's going in my front trouser pocket, just next to my keys. All right, here we go. Eli, it is now time for you to hunt my person and find it. Look in my pocket.

Here he goes. He's fishing. Is he going in my front? Oh, he's looking. I found it. Have you? Go in my pocket. Oh, good.

I've come. I've got it. I've got it. I've got it. Is this the Oreo one? Ladies and gentlemen, he was not subtle. He dived straight in and whipped it out. Is this the Oreo one? Hang on. Yeah, that's the Oreo one.

So now you must eat the egg. Sacrificially. Eat the egg. This is the sacrifice egg. Is it good? It's a bit soft. It's nice. It's warmed up by your bollock heat.

But I mean, I like a nice bollock warmed chocolate egg. It's a bit soft. It's nice. It's warmed up by your bollock heat but I mean I like a nice bollock warmed chocolate egg. It is a very warm. Spring night Paul. I'm just glad to be here. It's a horrible cheap piece of confectionery but you know. It's not it's Cadbury's it's good. It's good Cadbury's. Right.

It's tasty shit. Now let's dig a hole for fucking Cheggers to go in. So we er, you've done the egg ritual. That's rebirth and renewal. Now we must plant the seed of life, which is Cheggers. He's going under the obelisk. Here he is. He's really here, everybody. Right, here we go. Where do you want to

put him? Which corner? Here. Alright, let's go in. Make a little divot. We're going to put Cheggers in. He's pulling out Cheggers. It's going in. He's digging it. I'm're going to put Cheggers in. He's pulling out Cheggers. It's going in. He's digging it. I'm not going to lose Cheggers. He is so camouflaged.

Mate! And the plane's gone over. Look, Paul, as a compromise, I'm going to touch Cheggers to the transit of Venus Obelisk. No, this is the Meridian line. Yeah. It's not my the meridian line. Yeah. It's not my favourite line. I prefer northern.

That's why the planes are going directly overhead here because they use it for navigation. It's just because Heathrow's over there. No, it's directly over the meridian line marking the eastermost. Just bury him in the ground. Put him in. Put it down in that little divot.

I'm not putting him down. Put it down. Put him in. He's going in. Bury him. I've committed him to the ground. Right, let me just put some... And let him...

I'm covering it over. Shut up. The seed of Chequen, Paul. Right, he's almost buried. Yeah. Springforth new life. In cheap show. Maybe some new concepts.

And especially the urine vision. I hope that goes well. And other things. Other things as well. Do you want to stop I hope that goes well. And other things. Other things as well. Do you want to stop just talking drunk piss? Lots of other things. Right, let us now put our hands upon the obelisk and recount some pagan lines.

I don't have no pagan lines. Let me just think of something. Oh, God of Asotara, please accept our offering. You're messing with stuff now. No, it's our offering you're messing with stuff now no it's fine you're messing with some dark deep shit what was the name of that

pagan god about bunnies and shit that we talked about earlier Discordia hang on I need to fucking hang on Easter pagan rituals

Distardia fucking Mango Labardia Eostre Eostre here Labardia. Eostra. Eostra. Eostra. Here we go. Oestrogen.

Eostra. Eostra. Please accept... We've got oestrogen all over us. I want slimy oestrogen face. Eostraja. Please accept our sacrifice of Cheggers of rebirth for the new year 2021 and... Stone penis time.

...abettement for all. This is our worst episode ever. It's not. You always say that. This is all. This is our worst episode. It's not. You always say that. This is good. This is symbolic. Think about it. The Easter,

the eggs, the Tim. I know. There's a lot of stuff coming together. There's a lot of stuff coming together, mate. The obelisk.

Is that the end now? We found the obelisk. We had a good spring picnic. We didn't even expect an obelisk today, did we? And here we are. I didn't expect an obelisk. I have to say.

Or Tim. No. Those are two things. This is our best episode ever. an obelisk today did we and here we are i didn't expect an obelisk i have to say or tim no those are two things this is our best episode ever so with that in mind ladies and gentlemen listening though everyone thank you for joining i had a few beers in the sun no complaining i'm sorry right so it is time to say goodbye on this, our first out and about episode of 2021. Is it? Yeah, it's our first out and about. It's good to get out and about. Some nice stuff going on.

Yeah. And we've had an adventure. We've buried Cheggers. Not really. Shut up. Shh. Shut up. We've buried them at the Third Obelisk in Old Deer Park where there'll be renewal and rebirth.

Spollucly. Shut up. I'm trying to end this with some meaning oh where's keith oh he's he's fucking lost cheggers he's oh you fucking dopey he's underground in his slots yeah well done well keep the fucking dream alive right that's it ladies and gentlemen thank you for joining us we hope you have a lovely easter and uh when you listen to this outside of Easter, I hope you have a lovely day. Have a good week time day people. Good merry week time to you everyone. Take care, bye bye. Bye. Oh. Bye. I'd love a bit. Yeah, let's have some beer.

Bye, everyone. Bye. Do you have any last words? Hello, everybody. Don't fucking say hello. That's it, we've gone full circle. Yeah, that's true. Welcome to Cheap Show. It's nice to know that there's one of life's little luxuries we can still enjoy today.

Real cream. There's nothing like it it's that little extra touch that makes all the difference so enjoy one of life's little luxuries a smooth rich pleasure you can enjoy any time real cream there's nothing like it now news of two programs tomorrow afternoon on Thames at 420 how investigates how to There's nothing like it. Then, at a quarter to five tomorrow, Mike Reed and Meg Nicol present the semi-final of this year's PopQuest, featuring also a fond look at the history of the jukebox. That's tomorrow at a quarter to five. More immediately today, it's the time for Magpie. one for sorrow two for job three for a girl and four for a boy five for silver six for gold seven for a secret never to be told