CheapShow - Ep 225: Wicker Bungle

Starting point is 00:00:00 You ready then? Yeah. Give me the five fingers. Don't. Look, don't fuck. Are we recording now? Yeah. Okay.

Starting point is 00:00:06 Five fingers. Well, that's four fingers and a thumb. I need the countdown of the five fingers. The countdown of the five fingers. Please give me the five finger countdown. That's what they call it. Oh, fuck. Listen.

Starting point is 00:00:19 I went to see Andrea the other day. She gave me a five finger countdown. Paul, can I just give a little word to the wise here? I've worked in show worked in showbiz yeah a long time yeah and uh don't try out new material on me okay when i'm trying to go on oh okay when i say five fingers it means give me the countdown of the five fingers like everyone who's worked professionally for a long time all right okay what did you say what name was paul or something yeah paul gannon fuck you give me the five fingers i'll give you five fingers all right give me the countdown right up your craggy backer oh yeah craggy backer sorry that's me doing word you give me the five

Starting point is 00:00:54 finger countdown at my craggy backer okay hello hello welcome to the cheap show hey five four hello everybody that wasn't five. I don't give... It's a rough guide for me. It's not for me, though. It's everything for me. I'm not doing this. I'm not playing this game anymore.

Starting point is 00:01:12 Five, four. I don't play this game. Three. Hello, everybody. It's Eli Silverman. Welcome to Cheap Show. Here's Paul Gannon. He also does this show.

Starting point is 00:01:21 And it's just like stuff that's cheap, you know, and like charity shops and stuff. Great. You are such a fucking flag waver for this podcast, aren't you? And we eat stuff. There's stuff we eat. Sometimes we talk about stuff that's happened to us. Before we get into the show, I've got a plan. I've got a plot.

Starting point is 00:01:37 I've got a thought. I think I know how to capture Tim. I saw him today coming in. I saw him again in Richmond coming in today. Did you? Yeah. He's going into Double H Smith's. in Richmond coming in today. Did you? Yeah. He's going into Double H Smith's. He must live in Richmond.

Starting point is 00:01:48 He must live nearby. I think he lives at the foot of the bridge because where he was standing next, talking to his neighbour, that road down there. So I think we should kidnap him. Let's triangulate on Tim. No.

Starting point is 00:01:57 So here's the plan, right? Here's the plan. It's A or B. A is simple, right? We wait till we see him on the street and then we leave a trail of small cute little toys like all this stuff

Starting point is 00:02:08 on your shelf that wouldn't attract we let a little trail out and he'll be like ooh ah what a lovely little thing and then he's picking them up like jelly beans

Starting point is 00:02:15 and then he walks into a big box and we pull a stick out and the box comes down and traps him that's plan A plan B is a little bit more effort

Starting point is 00:02:21 we rent a hall space out and we call it the cheap show toy fair, right? And we're looking for toy fair people. It's a bit worn out, but it's lovely. And he comes round. It's a bit worn out. It's not working anymore.

Starting point is 00:02:32 And then he comes into this fake toy convention we set up, right? And it's just us with a table. And we go, do you want to see the good shit, Tim? It's around the back. And he goes, oh, ah, yes, lovely little thing. Ah, yes. And we push him out into the van, right? Not fun.

Starting point is 00:02:45 Not fun. Into the waiting taxi. And you cosh him. Ah, yes. And we push him out into the van. Not fun, not fun. Into the waiting taxi. And you cosh him with a big sock. I cosh him? Yeah, with a sock full of snooker balls. Cosh him out. Right, we push him into the car. We drive. Then who do we ring?

Starting point is 00:02:56 I haven't thought that far ahead. All I've thought so far is we just kidnapped Tim, the toy man. No, why? I was thinking. To be honest, Paul, I know I've held my tongue, but I didn't think that whole vein of an idea worked in last week's

Starting point is 00:03:09 sort of Spring Easter Pagan episode. And I really don't think it's working out. It's not exciting me. Why won't you? Why won't you? You wouldn't give me

Starting point is 00:03:16 the five-finger countdown. You had to put it in my craddock or something. Right, back cragger or something. Listen, why won't you let me kidnap an old man? If it's not Tim, can I just kidnap any old man please no absolutely not i just don't think one we'll

Starting point is 00:03:30 keep him here for a bit i don't think that's the direction in terms of chat like chat which we basically try and do on this show yeah i don't think that's the way it should go i'm feeling sober focused i have a little note before me stop banging on the table of things all you've written is jaffa cakes it's not ladies and gentlemen welcome to cheap show i hate you and your fucking noodle posse people love noodles it's just a fact of cheap Show you're gonna have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap Show. Off-brand, brand, off-brand, brand, off-brand.

Starting point is 00:04:19 Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap. Cheap Show. It's the price of shite. Paul Gannon. Eli Silverman. Welcome to Cheat Show. And I go and I nuzzle. Writing down Jaffa Cakes does not count as being prepared and sober for this recording.

Starting point is 00:04:48 Is that not the item that we will come with now? Answer! Shut up! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Comedy Comedy Podcast. Welcome to the Comedy Comedy Podcast. Cheap show where we go through the bargain bins of the charity shops and bazaars of Great Britain. And we pull out the trash that we find amongst the...

Starting point is 00:05:05 Oh, jumble sales. Jimble jumble sales back Craddock. Ooh, look, it's a back Craddock. I need to find... I'm not in the zone yet. I'm not in the zone. I'll do something. I'll put you in the zone. Hello, I'm Marjorie Craddock, and this is my back passage jumble sale.

Starting point is 00:05:19 That's really what you've got to offer the show. Marjorie Craddock. She's a one. Laugh, I died. Marjorie Craddock. She's a one. Laugh. I died. Marjorie Craddock. So, so far, this character is just you doing your voice. I'm the hype man for Marjorie Craddock. She's not actually going to appear.

Starting point is 00:05:32 I'm doing a rollout. All your characters start off by being backstage entities. You know what I mean? It's like one minute they're outside waiting to come in. And that's just so you can formulate in your head what they sound like, what they do. Yeah, but what thing comes out of their front or back? That's what it comes down to with you. Nothing about Mar just so you can formulate in your head what they sound like, what they do. Yeah, but what thing comes out of their front or back?

Starting point is 00:05:46 That's what it comes down to with you. Nothing about Marjorie Craddock. She runs a show. Fanny Craddock didn't spring to mind when you thought about

Starting point is 00:05:51 funny names though. Marjorie Craddock's got nothing to do with that. That's just her name. Marjorie Craddock. Is she related to Fanny Craddock?

Starting point is 00:05:56 No, absolutely not. What does Marjorie Craddock do? What has she got to offer? She's got a back passage parlor. Has she got a back

Starting point is 00:06:02 passage pile up? Has she? Parlor. She has a parlor. She runs a decent parlor. Is it a clean parlor? Yes, it's She's got a back passage parlour. Has she got a back passage pile-up? Has she? Parlour. She has a parlour. She runs a decent parlour. Is it a clean parlour? Yes, it's spotless. And there's machines in there.

Starting point is 00:06:13 Marjorie Craddock's back passage parlour is easily one of your worst creations. It's a machine parlour. And it has machines and curiosities. Fine. Here comes Steve Breeze from my new prog band, Zooks Flombay. Ah, she's going to have to come out now. Hello?

Starting point is 00:06:29 Right, so my character's got to come out then now. Yeah. Zooks Flombay, I'm so grateful you could come and visit my machine parlour. I'm Marjorie Craddock. I'm the proprietress of this establishment. Now, you will be treated like a lord. I love that number.

Starting point is 00:06:46 What's it called again? You've put it out on a record because you're the lead singer of Zeus Flambé. Brian Nice, what's he called? Steve Breeze. Breeze, hello, Mr. Breeze. Stop being loud.

Starting point is 00:06:58 I don't like Marjorie. Okay, I'll go. Bye. I've got machines. So, Steve Breeze. Yes, I am. I'm go. Bye. I've got machines. So I'm Steve Breeze. Yes, I am. I'm Steve Breeze. I am.

Starting point is 00:07:09 Oh, Mr. Breeze, there you are. I was in the prog. I hate this. I hate all of this. I'm not doing this. I've decided I'm not doing this. I quite liked it. I don't like it.

Starting point is 00:07:16 Anyway, welcome to the podcast. This week, we are going to do a little bit of a cheap eats taste test. If I can fucking say sentences. A cheap eats taste test. Paul, bring it on. Mini. A mini. Jaffa. Jaffa. Jap Eats Taste Test. Paul, bring it on. Mini. A mini. Jaffa, Jaffa.

Starting point is 00:07:26 Jaffa Cake Taste Test. Jaffa. Jaffa. Come on, mate. We've also got... I'm ready to eat Jaffa Cakes. A nice Eli Silverman, which we've been talking about.

Starting point is 00:07:34 Something that we've been looking forward to talking about. We've got a nice Eli Silverman. No one told me about this. No one passed this by me. We have a nice Silverman platter. There's a good universe Eli Silverman coming in, isn't there? He doesn't exist. Ooh.

Starting point is 00:07:48 And if he does, I don't want to know him. All right. You like it dirty. I like dirty. You like it grungy. I like dirty, dirty boys. Ladies and gentlemen, we are in the House of Pickles again. Yes.

Starting point is 00:07:58 We were out and about last week, but we're in the House of Pickles again. I'm just trying to see if there are any... Don't worry about... Any opening remarks about the state of the house of pickles. Is there pickle waters? There is pickle waters. Are there extra sauces? Yes, there are extra sauces.

Starting point is 00:08:11 Is there a whole jar of pickle that went unmentioned last week? Lime pickle? Yes, there is. And I sniffed it. I sniffed it on the Patreon pod. I'm going to sniff it now, Paul. This is what happens. Is this what you're going to do?

Starting point is 00:08:22 You're going to repeat the Patreon pod stuff then? Because you've run out of... Someone on Twitter said we should do soy sauces. And do you know what, Paul? It struck me when I saw that tweet. Yes, we fucking should. The source report needs to cover the most basic of all sauces, soy sauces. I don't know how you want to fit that in in some kind of soon-come episode.

Starting point is 00:08:43 Well, maybe we can fit it into Marjorie Craddock's back door parlour. Does she have a soy sauce machine in there? Yes, she's got a sauce machine. She's got all sorts of machines. She's got a magical... Paul, I've seen it.

Starting point is 00:08:53 Marjorie Craddock's magical sauce machine. I've seen it back there. Yeah. She's got bells and whistles, laugh, I died. What? What do you mean by that?

Starting point is 00:09:03 What's that mean? In this context, what does that mean? I laughed at her machine. I looked at her machine. It's weird. It's very phallic, isn't it? Oh, is it?

Starting point is 00:09:11 It's a fuck machine. Is this the level? Is this the level of improv? I literally said that to get a reaction out of you. I was maybe thinking about the idea. I'm trying to do something magical to transport our listeners away

Starting point is 00:09:23 for a few short moments, you know, with Marjorie and her Victorian-esque machine shop. Do you know, hey, do you know when we were trying to record the Patreon pod and I forgot to record the first thing? No. I can see my voice going up and down. I was wishing I'd done that again right now. That's the difference. That's the difference. I'm wishing I'd forgotten to record this opening salvo of yours with your kaleidoscope of wisdom and whimsy

Starting point is 00:09:47 floating into the podcast like an unwanted fart. Well, let's just crack on. The house of pickles has got a sweat on. You're at this room. Musty old house. This is like... Musty old house. It's got a smell and it's got a louse.

Starting point is 00:10:02 Come off my head, louse. Is this Sober Eli? Yes eli yes because sober eli is exactly the same as pissed eli which is exactly the same as drugged eli no it's not it's exactly the same as bereft of inspiration eli i am not bereft of inspiration you're bereft of belief in me and you lost it a long time ago paul lost it exactly five and a half years ago that's what i'm saying do you believe in Eli Silverman? What else was I going to talk about? I was going to talk about something as well.

Starting point is 00:10:28 Just say yes or no. Soy sauce going forward. Yes. Thank you. I didn't disagree with that. I just didn't see the tweet. Everyone around the world who listens to the cheap show

Starting point is 00:10:36 has gone, yes, soy sauce will be included in the source report. I shouldn't drink so much coffee before we start recording. Fucking no shit. I'd rather you be pissed. Oh, I'd rather you were dead.

Starting point is 00:10:46 Can I just suggest something for the sauce? I'm missing, I'm moving on. Can I just say, can I just say, if we do with the segment of the soy sauce, I have an idea

Starting point is 00:10:58 of how to present it. And it's called Soy to the World. All the boys and girls. You've really ruined my mood now. Have I? You've ruined. You know what?

Starting point is 00:11:10 We've both turned very salty in the past five minutes. We were kissing and cuddling outside. We were not. Looking forward to doing the pod. Pass the Jaffa Cakes over. That's what we're doing in this intro bit. Pass the Jaffa Cakes over on the left-hand side. Did you say pass the Jaffa on the left-hand side?

Starting point is 00:11:25 It scans better for a fucking start. The Jaffa Cakes. You're so musically defunct. For a man who likes music so much. I never claimed to be a musician. No. I never claimed to be. You did.

Starting point is 00:11:43 But you've heard so many songs in your time. Heard so many of the familiar hooks and lead motifs. Lead motifs? Oh, fuck off.

Starting point is 00:11:53 Fucking Jaffa Cakes then. Oh, actual violence. Actual violence on the podcast. Just eat some Jaffa Cakes. Paul, I'm stinging still from the impact of that packet

Starting point is 00:12:03 of Jaffa Cakes on my elbow and lower abdomen. Why don't you report at the HR then? I fucking will. Right, I'm stinging still from the impact of that packet of Jaffa Cakes on my elbow and lower abdomen. Why don't you report it to HR then? I fucking will. All right, I'm HR. I'm going up there now. Hello. Hello.

Starting point is 00:12:12 What's your name? My name's Paul Gannon. I've got an HR complaint. Yeah, good. I am in charge of HR. It was you. You threw shit at me. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:12:18 Can I look at the bruise or whatever? Do you have a bruise on you? Yes. Do you? Show me. Can you show me? I don't see anything. Look at that mark there. Yeah, I don't see anything.

Starting point is 00:12:26 No, nothing. I see something. I'm getting my phone out. We're just going to put this up to Paul being very stressed at the moment and so he's just you know, needs to let it go. I just wanted to say actual violence occurred. As long as I've made a report, it's fine. I'm fine. I still want to work here. I've made a report. I still want to work here. But it won't go any further than this conversation. I still want to

Starting point is 00:12:42 work here. I just wanted to say. Well, we'll see. These are the 50s are you've got a you've got a potential promotion coming up soon and this you know promotion to what well main host main host

Starting point is 00:12:51 main host I had my eye on it I mean we're thinking of calling this Eli Silverman's cheap show but then I also thought about putting a pin in my fucking dick

Starting point is 00:12:58 fucking shut up I'm slamming the door and I'm walking back down the hallway I'm gonna put this in the file anger issues Eli Silverman typing it up file that away okay can we do that really affected your And I'm walking back down the hallway. I'm going to put this in the file. Anger issues. Eli Silverman typing it up.

Starting point is 00:13:05 Tippi tippi tippi tippi. File that away. Okay. Can we do the case now? That really affected your promotion, that has. That angry outburst. Dear, oh dear. Anyway, that's me HR over.

Starting point is 00:13:13 Now you can go back to Paul Gannon, co-host. I already have. How did your HR appointment go? It was shit. He was a cunt. Right. These are my... I've had problems with him as well.

Starting point is 00:13:25 Because I've gone with him privately. You should really have a word. You should sit down and have a word with him. He fucking puts it on Twitter. Ha ha ha. I just spoke to Paul. Paul, shut up. His hemorrhoid's flaring up again.

Starting point is 00:13:37 You do it to yourself. I have to. I'm having a huff of these. Oh yeah, Jaffa Cakes. They're special edition Jaffa Cakes, which are going all the rage at the moment, aren't they? They're bringing out a seemingly limited flavour all the time. They realise that Jaffa Cakes don't have to be

Starting point is 00:13:49 orange. It's because of our backward, limited 70s world of British foodstuffs. You know, there's those Edelweiss Polish ones. Edelweiss Polish ones? Not Edelweiss, E-Weissminster or something it's called. Okay, but there's a Polish brand of Jaffa-type cakes. And they have raspberries.

Starting point is 00:14:06 They've got all these lovely jam flavours. Yeah, but everyone we've tried have been really... I like them. I like raspberries ones. Also, on Jaffa Cakes, the other day I had Lidl, I believe, Jaffa Cakes. And I'd say they're much nicer than McVitie's ones. We're going to have to try them out then. They're much fruitier.

Starting point is 00:14:19 The ratio of biscuit cake to fruit. Do you know what I mean? I just want this to be the last Jaffa Cake thing we do in a while. It feels like Jaffa is a common occurrence on this show. Are you saying to be the last Jaffa Cake thing we do in a while. It feels like Jaffa is a common occurrence on this show. Are you saying we've outgrown Jaffa Cakes? All I'm saying is that... They smell like Jaffa Cakes, right?

Starting point is 00:14:32 I'm just saying that we don't really need to make this a Jaffa Cake-based program. They bore me. Jaffa Cakes bore me so much. There's Jaffa Cakes and then there's everything else. Let me have a sniff. It's got that similar tang that Jaffa Cakes have. Yeah. Right, here we go.

Starting point is 00:14:47 There's a sort of ice creamy strawberry underneath. To the naked eye, it looks just like a regular common or garden Jaffa Cake. McVitie's Jaffa Cake. But I'm telling you, they're much slimmer,

Starting point is 00:14:56 these little ones. And it's just nicer. They're about the same. Oh, the little ones are smaller. Okay, all right. There's more... Better ratio of chocolate to... Everything better ratio.

Starting point is 00:15:04 Oh, we'll have to give them a go. Those are shit. Let's taste. Oh. Oh, God. Do you know what I mean? I'm not getting anything. What's wrong with that? There's no strawberry flavour. There's no nothing. There's a hole where the orange flavour would be. Do you know what I mean? I couldn't even tell. If that had just been given to me and someone said, eat it, I would just be like...

Starting point is 00:15:20 You couldn't tell it was strawberry, could you? I would just say that tastes like a knock-off Jaffa cake. It really doesn't taste like strawberry at all. No. Weird. Because even the ones we had in the past that i haven't liked at least have tasted of pineapple or whatever weird well there you go disappointing very bad disappointing stuff on the picnic everything smelled of nappies didn't it no i think that's because you just have a nose a nose for nappies a nose for nappies how dare you sir call me a nappy sir huh no you sir you're a crud crumbler. The prawn cocktail and the Peeps did smell like unwashed baby's arse.

Starting point is 00:15:50 I'll give you that. Who did? The Peeps and the... Peeps. Oh. I want to mention Eurovision before we crack on. Yes. Right.

Starting point is 00:15:57 So... Eurovision. We have had 50 entries for Eurovision. Eurovision. And I've got to whittle them down to 12. Whittle your Eurovision down to 12. I need you to shut your fucking mouth. Right.

Starting point is 00:16:11 Just while I get through this. Fine, I'm with you. I agree with all the points you're making about Eurovision. I've got to get through this. Hey, everyone. I've got to get through this. Listen up. Paul has something important to say about Eurovision coming up later this year.

Starting point is 00:16:21 So, to everyone sending stuff in, thank you so much, but we are only going to be able to pick out 12 because simply for time reasons when we do this it will be a long show and we're going to be doing this live on twitch so how many entrants we've had we've had just over 50 now oh and it's getting turning into something we can't control it's bigger than all of us so we we mean i will pick 12 that we hope is a nice broad range of music. We're not going to go for best or worst or our favourites. We're trying to find tracks that we'd like to put towards the judges that are different and interesting, right?

Starting point is 00:16:52 And also best and worst. All I'm saying is... I mean, there's no avoiding bias. No, there's no avoiding bias. But my point is we do want to find 12. We've got to whittle. We're going to whittle and then have a wank when we're resting from whittling. You know what?

Starting point is 00:17:05 So anyone sending stuff in, thank you. But we are only going to pick 12. We've got 12 judges, which we've just announced now on Twitter. Oh, yeah. So that's exciting. We've got comedians like Nick Helm and Paul Putner, who was in things like Little Britain and Lee and Herring stuff. We've also got...

Starting point is 00:17:21 We've been on the show before. Yeah. Brian Wecht is going to be voting for Ninja Sex Party. We've got bloody... Su've been on the show before. Yeah, Brian Wecht is going to be voting for Ninja Sex Party. We've got bloody... Suze Kempner. Suze Kempner. Ashley Story.

Starting point is 00:17:32 God, loads. Loads. Biffo's voting. Ashens is voting. We've got loads. Ashfrith? No, not Ashfrith. Ashens is voting again.

Starting point is 00:17:39 So that's the plan. So it's going to be a big, big show but for our own sanity we're not going to be putting all 50-odd songs in. I have a question. Yes.

Starting point is 00:17:46 Have you whittled enough? Is it rest time from whittling? Now time for wanking? We've whittled, so now it's time to wank. Then we'll rest and then wank. We're going to have a little west, a little western wank. So join us after a little western wank for our next segment of the show, which is going to be... The actual intro of the show.

Starting point is 00:18:03 This is the intro. Whittle, whittle, wank. You've whittled that out. Whittle, western wank. You've deflated my ending again. That's it. Paul, you don't have to do an ending. That's it.

Starting point is 00:18:12 We're moving on. Next segment. As of now. Yeah? Yeah. Good. Good. Paul, going into this segment,

Starting point is 00:18:20 I just wanted to say I had one of those weird trains of thought when I thought of something at a time when I was extremely embarrassed. Right. Kind of unhappy. Okay. It's made me embarrassed and unhappy.

Starting point is 00:18:32 In real life? Yeah. You know when you think of something embarrassing and it kind of feels like the feeling speaks back up on you? I have one big memory. Don't think about it now. It's really bad. I can't now it's in there and now I feel bad.

Starting point is 00:18:42 It's when I was best man for Graham. And I fucked it up. You really did. It's just I was best man for Graham. And I fucked it up. You really did. I was actually there for that, funnily enough. I think I felt your cringe as much as my own. This is a little personal private cringe, my one, which I don't actually want to talk about. That's fine.

Starting point is 00:18:56 There you go. Sorry. Tell me now and I'll cut it out the podcast. I don't know who I'm winking to. I should wink to the audience. He's winking at me. It doesn't make sense. I'm meant to be winking at the audience who are listening to say,

Starting point is 00:19:08 I'm not really going to cut it out. You haven't got a very loud wink. Hang on. He's rubbing his eye on the microphone. Now, are you ready? I think we're ready now to go into the next segment. Yes, we are good to go. Take it away, Mr. Silverman.

Starting point is 00:19:23 Hello, everybody. Here I am in the House of Pickles and I'm over the moon to introduce a great segment on the show. Everyone loves it. Here it is. It's time for Silverman's Platters! Here is the patron saint

Starting point is 00:19:38 of the segment, Clyde McFatter. He's standing on top of Mount Grutpats and he's going to give us the signal to start the show any second now. Can you hear him? You may begin. There it is. Let's get straight into it. Paul. Hello, Mr. Silverman. Now, here's what we're doing.

Starting point is 00:19:54 Without beating around the bush, here's what we're doing straight away on Silverman's Platters today. And I'll give you a little clue who it is. Paint your bedroom with your arsehole. Yes. Squirt. That's right. We're doing one of the biggest kids shows.

Starting point is 00:20:18 Spray your toilet with the contents of your arsehole. Doesn't work. Shouldn't have done it. I've got the actual rhyme that we used to sing in school. What did you have? Opens up his hairy arse and shits in Bungle's eye.

Starting point is 00:20:31 We're doing Rainbow, the kids show. It opens up his hairy arse and shits in Bungle's eye. All atop the streets and houses, Rainbow flying high. No, it's Geoffrey flying high. Bungle. Bungle is flying. The bear is flying. Okay, say it again. All atop the streets and houses, Bungle flying high. Allungle. Bungle is flying high. The bear is flying. Okay, say it again.

Starting point is 00:20:45 All atop the streets and houses, Bungle flying high. All atop the streets. That's the lyrics. Up above. Up above the street. Rainbow's not all atop. When have you gone all atop something? Would you say that cloud is all atop the house?

Starting point is 00:21:00 All atop the streets and houses, Bungle flying high. No, it's not all atop. Let's do it again. We're doing the dirty version of the rainbow. We haven't even set the context for this. We've just gone straight into talking about bears shitting in people's faces. Just do Bungle. I just want one more pass at the clean take of it, please.

Starting point is 00:21:17 All the top of the streets and houses, Bungle flying high. Opens up his hairy arse and shits in Zippy's eye. No, Jeffrey's eye. Zippy's idea. Bungle, why don't you fly and shit in Jeffrey's eye? Paul, Paul, Paul. Memories of Rainbow. Memories of Rainbow. Well, let's just tell people what Rainbow is.

Starting point is 00:21:35 For those of you who don't know what Rainbow is. Oh, Wiki, you're so fine. You're so fine. You fill our podcast with content. Oh, Wiki. Oh, Wiki. Rainbow was a British children's television series that ran from 12th of november 1972 and until the 31st of december 1992 wow that's a long-running show it's a very long-running show the series was originally conceived as a british equivalent to the long-running american educational puppet series sesame street

Starting point is 00:22:01 it has a much uh narrower universe though doesn't it it does sesame street you know what it really benefited from you get muppets coming on it don't you there's a crossover was it only really kermit who appeared on sesame street though because i don't think piggy turned up or i think what happened is in those scenes where he was the reporter the kermit was a reporter you had other Muppets in those stories oh yeah they were all the Muppets

Starting point is 00:22:28 but I don't think they were characters from the Muppet show yeah characters from the Muppet show other Muppets I'll take your word for it it was intended

Starting point is 00:22:35 to develop language and social skills for pre-children school pre-child children pre-school children I've got a few in my fridge and went on to win the Society of Film

Starting point is 00:22:43 and Television Arts Award for Best Children's Programme in 1975. That's the year from the record that we are covering today. It did. So this is the height of Rainbow, probably. It aired five times a week, weekly,

Starting point is 00:22:55 twice weekly on Mondays and Wednesdays and Tuesdays and Fridays, and then finally once weekly at 12.10 on Fridays on the ITV network. In 92, it must have been a sad, sad day. Unfortunately, the long-time presenter, Geoffrey, has passed. He passed a few years ago, didn't he?

Starting point is 00:23:11 You have this weird thing, you, where it's like, there's a narrative. There's a beat-by-beat way to tell this story. And you're like, Bruce Willis is a ghost. Anyway, six sentences about this. So each episode of Rainbow revolved around a particular activity or situation that arose in the Rainbow house.

Starting point is 00:23:28 There was Geoffrey, the human, and he lived with three puppet characters, didn't he? There was Bungle, a bear. Yes, a large bear, full-size bear. There was George, a pink hippo, I believe, and then Zippy, which is, I don't know what the fuck that is. He's a creature whose face is zipped up. The mouth is just a zip and it's two halves.

Starting point is 00:23:48 Imagine a Gimp costume. It's similar to... Made of suede. Like the Hamburglar or something, isn't it? No, it's more like a kind of... Not the Hamburglar. Fuzzy Pac-Man. Mayor McCheese, I'm thinking of.

Starting point is 00:23:59 Oh, the MacBurger thing. Yeah, Mayor McCheese. Yeah. That's not what I was thinking of. I never compared Zippy to an anthropomorphic... I'm just saying in terms of the structure of the puppet, it's like a two halves thing. Yeah, mayo and mccheese. Yeah. That's not what I was thinking of. I never compared Zippy to an anthropomorphic big mac. I'm just saying in terms of the

Starting point is 00:24:06 structure of the puppet, it's like a two halves thing. Clappy, clam shaped. He's got a clam shaped head

Starting point is 00:24:12 doesn't he Zippy? It's more just like a big... It's clam shaped. Take those eyes off, he looks like a clam.

Starting point is 00:24:17 Yeah. He's cool, I like Zippy. Everyone loves Zippy. The roles of Zippy, George and

Starting point is 00:24:21 Bungle were to take on the role of inquisitive children. Asking the questions, doing the silly things. And Geoffrey would be like, no, this is how it goes. Very successful.

Starting point is 00:24:29 But the other major part of Rainbow was the music. And also the next door neighbours who were Rod, Jane and Freddie. So they were in the world as the next door neighbours. Yeah, and they'd pop in and they'd sing a song about whatever they were talking about this week. But that's not Freddie on the cover of Rainbow, the record that we're that we're doing well this is where we get into the actual album we're going to talk about so eli tell me about this album and where you found it and what it is um i it's some charity shop find i don't remember which paul but this is rainbow the album songs from television's award-winning children's program so it already it's but this is from 75 this album so early days

Starting point is 00:25:04 it'd been running for two years at this point yeah 72 actually so so three years yeah and when did they win the award 75 this year yeah so this is basically they won the award and decided to do an album or they were just trading on the success of the show to release the album because here's the thing this wasn't uncommon like we've seen in the past there's a play school album there was a one called ragtime remember with bob je Jeffries or something in it. But one called Ragtime, which is again like Play School puppets and songs and folk songs. I do not remember seeing Ragtime. This for me, Rainbow, was one of my earliest.

Starting point is 00:25:34 And am I right in thinking they had the Thames logo? And then a rainbow came over it. I don't know if it did. It did. Did it? Yeah. Cool. So they had that thing with the. It did. Did it? Yeah. Cool. So they had that thing with the eye dent being mixed with the eye dent.

Starting point is 00:25:47 Because I used to get confused with the beginning of Pigeon Street, because I'm pretty sure that was a rooftop thing with rainbows. Yes. But they did that clever thing where the rainbow came over the Thames logo. I don't remember that. Honestly, don't. I'm going to take your word for that as well. Where's my voice going?

Starting point is 00:26:03 So this is, yes, Rainbow, simply titled Rainbow, and it has Rod, Matt and Jane. Those are the singers on this album. Because when the show... Matt, who is Matt? Tell them about Matt.

Starting point is 00:26:12 So you'd think, who the fuck is Rod, Matt and Jane, right? Who's Matt? Because the famous trio are? Rod, Jane and Freddie. But Rod, Jane and Freddie wasn't a thing

Starting point is 00:26:21 until much, much later. It started, the original trio was Rod Burton, Jane Tucker. There he is, that's Rod. So they're the two mainstayers. Rod and Jane. And then the third was Matthew Corbett. Were Rod and Jane going out?

Starting point is 00:26:33 No. Oh, I'd prefer they had been. I think two of them got married later on. Yeah, but not those two. I don't know. I'd have to check. So it was originally Matthew Corbett who was the third member of the group. I'd have to check.

Starting point is 00:26:42 So it was originally Matthew Corbett, who was the third member of the group. Matthew Corbett had to quit in 1976 because his father retired from doing Sooty. Yes. And he took over in the 80s. He must have promised he would do the Sooty, take over from his dad. It's like the family business, I guess.

Starting point is 00:26:57 It's like dad's retiring, Sooty's still popular. We can reboot it for the 80s. That's what I mean. It's funny that he did this, but in fact, he was part of like a dynasty. It's sort of like an old school almost like a circus family. Like the Barrymores of children's entertainment.

Starting point is 00:27:09 He had to bring the act on. Do you know what I mean? It's old school. Because it would have been like a variety act wouldn't it? Because didn't his son take over when he retired or whatever? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:27:18 But there he is looking very young on the cover of this. I see it more of a curse. And they're bigger aren't they? The singers funnily enough. Do you mean bigger? What in terms of size? On the cover they're. I see it more of a curse. And they're bigger, aren't they? The singers, funnily enough. Do you mean bigger? What in terms of size? On the cover,

Starting point is 00:27:27 they're more prominent than either the puppets or Geoffrey. It's all about Geoffrey, really, isn't it? No, look at his shirt. It's great. The reason why those three

Starting point is 00:27:34 are on the front cover is because they do 95% of the stuff on the album. Look at that rainbow badge there. Let's have a look. That Geoffrey's wearing. I want that rainbow badge. Do you know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:27:43 I want that rainbow. I want his shirt. But here's the thing. Don't you think it's a curse to be the Corbets? It's like, Daddy, Daddy, when I grow up, I want to be a scientist.

Starting point is 00:27:51 No, you must take the mantle of Sooty and go to theatres around the UK performing to disinterested children and old ladies during the summer. That's what I find fascinating is that he felt he had to do it. It wasn't just, oh, because this is going to be a great career if I do Sooty i mean was sooty bigger than rainbow i don't know been going for longer

Starting point is 00:28:09 because wasn't sooty like a 50s thing i went and saw it sooty show live in the 80s in london's west end did he come on his little camper van on stage and drive around yeah fucking wicked i love that camper van my favorite thing about this i'm sorry fuck off rainbow sooty time so the favorite thing with the props i love the Sooty show in the 80s because I loved the fact that they had a tiny little shower. You know, they used to have a little shower and a sweep and beer. He did all of that with Sooty and Sweep. I loved that set.

Starting point is 00:28:31 What's the other one? Sue. Sooty, Sweep and Sue. And Sue, yeah. And Sue had to put up with a lot of fucking shit. Sue had to put up with... Sooty is, I mean, like a lot of these franchises, the central character is just a twat.

Starting point is 00:28:42 Well, you know, he's a slightly naughty teddy bear. But it was... It's all about Sue. No, it's all about sweet it's all about sweet you come to the show for sooty but you stay for sweet dude because sweet totally fucking love sweep he's a right little funny shitter i love him right so that is so yeah on this record yeah we don't have the classic lineup it's and but it means that matt could sing couldn't he, on this record, we don't have the classic line-up. But it means that Matt could sing, couldn't he? Everyone on this record can sing. They all play and write the songs. A lot of the songs are covers or reinterpretations of folk classics. Now, the first song we're going to listen to.

Starting point is 00:29:16 No, no, no, wait. This doesn't end here. Because even though Matthew Corbett's on this version of the album, on this trio, when he left, he was replaced by an actor called Roger Walker. So it was Roger, Rod, and Jane for a while. That doesn't work for me. Doesn't work for me. Rod, Jane, and Roger.

Starting point is 00:29:30 No. Pass. They probably went around for ages going, Rod, Roger's Jane. No, we don't want to put it like that. Roger, Rod. Rod, Roger, Jane. Oh, Roger, what? I thought you said I should Roger.

Starting point is 00:29:40 Jane's Roger, Rod. Yeah. So then he left in 1980 to 1980, to be an actor. And he appeared in, you know, The Bill and shit like that. Okay, so he was never a big star. And then, finally, replaced by Freddie Marks. And that's what we remember today. That's the classic line-up.

Starting point is 00:29:55 That's the one we would have seen. Because, Paul, both you and I have early memories of this show. Yeah. Early children. Because we all like the puppets. During the three decades working on the Children's Television Show, they managed to write over 2,500 songs.

Starting point is 00:30:09 No, that cannot be true. That's what it says here. Wow. Most were comedic, but some had deeper meanings. Overall, they had written and produced 10 albums and 24 videos.

Starting point is 00:30:18 And then they also conceived jingles for TV, radio, and adverts. Do you have a discography? Because I'd like to see which of the albums this is that we've got. They don't have a discography. They went on to have their own TV show as well adverts. Do you have a discography? Because I'd like to see which of the albums this is that we've got. They don't have a discography. They went on to have

Starting point is 00:30:27 their own TV show as well in 1981. And they appeared on both shows until 89 when they fucked off Rainbow to do something else. Yeah, you see, if you were a kid

Starting point is 00:30:35 watching in the early 80s, you wouldn't have been able to distinguish those two shows. It all seems like one big show, probably. You know what I mean? Their show. Hang on, here we go.

Starting point is 00:30:44 In June 2008 Rod, Jane and Freddie appeared on the show 50 Ways to Leave Your TV Lover on Sky and talked about newspaper claims

Starting point is 00:30:52 that they were involved in a love triangle hello they explained that Rod and Jane had been married then divorced Jane then partnered

Starting point is 00:30:59 with Freddie after some time after he'd joined the trio a relationship that led to their eventual marriage in May 2016 Jane and who? Janereddie so originally you had both of them basically so

Starting point is 00:31:10 rod it's like freak would mack this do you think you think the roger have any ever wrote their own you can go your own way well i think they'd be capable of doing a fucking heartfelt love love breakup song sort of tense you know do their own Tusk or something. So let's talk about the album now. I'll let you talk about it now. That's the thing. It's funny that you mentioned Fleetwood Mac because this album, the music, the standard of this music, both the songwriting, the playing and the production

Starting point is 00:31:38 is much higher than you'd expect for a kid's record. Than it has any right to be. Yeah. It's really nice. I mean, we heard it on a lovely system in there. And it's got that really so forgiving, that system, isn't it, in there? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:31:50 It's that big, snoozy amp. It's just boring. It picks out the sharp, looty planks really nicely. Do you know what I mean? It's beautiful, isn't it? And it really deals with damaged vinyl really well. Apart from the Roland Rat B-side. The Roland Rat that we didn't,

Starting point is 00:32:02 we were going to do a Roland Rat on this week's Silverman's Plattest. We're not going to do a Roland Rat. But it was just, it took Errol. It was Errol the rolling rat. The rolling rat that we didn't, we were going to do a rolling rat on this week's Silverman's Platters. But it was just, strictly speaking, it was Errol. It was Errol the gerbil. Singing Summer Holiday. And again, pin meters. I'd rather do the pin meters. Anyway, we're talking about Rainbow now, and like I say,

Starting point is 00:32:18 this record is very, very high quality. Whatever you want to say. The playing. But again, I would argue that the albums that came out with the BBC records for Play School or Ragtime or whatever. Of a high standard.

Starting point is 00:32:30 Again, high standard of those. Bang on a Drum was a Play School record we've discussed before. We have discussed on that, yeah. It's like, and there is some overlap, I think.

Starting point is 00:32:38 Some of these songs are written by that guy who did Bang on a Drum. Oh, really? Play School, yes. I get the impression that there's kind of like repertory groups of writers and songwriters

Starting point is 00:32:46 who would go from show to show writing comedy or, you know, children-friendly songs. The theme from Rainbow is famous. Yeah. It's been covered a lot of times by funk groups. And recently, wasn't it the centrepiece of the Matt Berry theme music album? Matt Berry did an album full of covers, I guess,

Starting point is 00:33:06 interpretations. Children's TV. Or 70s. Yeah. Yeah, he did sort of pump it up a bit. It's quite funky, the version on this. Are we going to listen to that now? Well, hang on.

Starting point is 00:33:14 Let me just... So the theme song for the show was actually a small part of the full version, also called Rainbow, written by Hugh Portnow, Lady Hornsberry, Hugh Fraser, Tim Thomas of the band Telltale, who regularly appeared in the first three seasons of Rainbow, initially as the band.

Starting point is 00:33:29 It was released by Music for Pleasure in 73 with the B-cycle Windy Day. Although Telltale left the show in 74, their recording of the theme tune continued to be used until the show's end in 92. So there's even before all of the Mats and the Janes and the Rods and the Freddies, there was a group called Telltale. So there's even before all of the Matts and the Janes and the Rods and the Freddies. Yeah. There was a group called Telltale. And there's been loads of dance remixes and stuff like that of it. Rainbow Vibes by the Sons of Bungle.

Starting point is 00:33:54 It's one of those ones that gets done. And I'm sure there's like a cheesy sort of happy hardcore version. I'm sure. I think we should play the intro and the first track of this album because it gives you a taste of the show because it features Zippy, George and Bungle. And Geoffrey. Never forget Geoffrey. So, you can do it. And then, I can't really do Bungle because Bungle's kind of just...

Starting point is 00:34:16 Hello, he's like that. No, he's not. He's more like, hello, yes, ah, yes. Oh, oh, no. I'm the Super Bungle and I will get you in the head. No, I don't know what that was. I'm the Super Bungle. Hi. No, I don't like that character. I'm the Super Bungle and I will get you in the head. No, I don't know what that was. I'm the Super Bungle. Hi.

Starting point is 00:34:27 No, I don't like that character. The eye work you were doing then was piercing and terrifying. I'm the Super Bungle. And then you had Zippy who was... Hello, I'm Zippy. I'm Eli Silverman. That's it. It's revealed it, everyone.

Starting point is 00:34:43 That's where he gets the Eli voice. That's been an open secret for years. That's why you've he gets the Eli voice. That's been an open secret for years. That's why you've avoided wanting to do Rainbow. It's been an open secret for years. You've always been poo-pooing this idea to do Rainbow. We're doing it now. Go on. You can see how creatively bereft you are of anything resembling an innovative or original idea.

Starting point is 00:35:00 Right. Right. So let's just play the first intro of the track. Where's Poindexter? No, fuck off. You're not sticking anything near anything, all right? I'm not having you put things on things. Oh, let's listen to it.

Starting point is 00:35:09 Here we go. Here we go. Rainbow Rain the whole world with a rainbow Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow, Hello, I'm Zippy and I'm going to sing a song because I'm the best singer. What are you going to sing, Zippy? The teapot song. Oh, that's a good idea, Zippy. Yes, yes.

Starting point is 00:36:14 Well, let's all sing it, shall we? Do you know the teapot song? You can pretend to be a teapot while you sing it, like this. Now, first of all, bend your knees and make yourself short and fat like a round teapot. Then put one hand on your hips. That's the handle. Then you put the other arm up in the air with your hand pointing down to look like the spout. Then when the teapot tips up, you stand on one leg and you lean over as though you're pouring out the tea. Oh, yes. All right. Now, don't forget to sing with us. Right. Are we ready?

Starting point is 00:36:48 One, two, three, four. I'm a little teapot, short and stout. Here's my handle, here's my spout. When I see the teacups, hear me shout. Tip me up and pour me out. I like pretending to be a teapot. Are you being a teapot too? I am, Geoffrey.

Starting point is 00:37:09 Are you being a teapot, Zippy? Oh, yes, I am. And I sing the song very, very well indeed. Yes. Let's sing it again. Oh, that's a good idea. Are we ready? Yes.

Starting point is 00:37:22 One, two, three, four. I'm a little teapot, short and stout Here's my handle, here's my spout When I see the teacups, hear me shout Tip me up and pour me out I like that. But it's the only time the characters from the TV show appear on this album. Yes, everything else is a song.

Starting point is 00:37:44 When there's one instrumental on side two, Pink other everything else is a song when there's one instrumental on side two pink rat which is very pink panthery it's sort of like a little detective thing yeah it's quite i think quite interesting like i say high high quality of musicianship really and the harmonies the way they sing is really good the singing is fantastic the songs are exactly what they need to be for a show of this type of this period what i like about it is it's got that feel that 70s kids show feel that is just long gone now because it's too quaint or old-fashioned but you know the bagpuss thing the yeah the flumps it's got that folky dreamy dreamy slightly psychedelic yes slightly psychedelic yeah hangover the influence is yes that's what it is

Starting point is 00:38:23 it's almost like this is sort of the the hippie music. But the influence is, yes, that's what it is. It's almost like this is sort of the hippie music, the psychedelic music, sort of filtering through all of culture. And it ends up, because this is 75, do you see what I mean? So it's not, you know. There's elements of folk. There's elements of like West Coast,

Starting point is 00:38:37 California, mom and poppers kind of stuff. Were they going to play a bit of that one that we think is very... Which one was that one? Was that Garden Song? Yeah, that is very West Coast psychedelic. So are you going to play a bit of that? Let's play a little bit of Garden Song

Starting point is 00:38:46 by Rod, Jane and Matt. Having some fun in the garden Looking at flowers and trees Finding some sound in the garden Kicking our feet in the leaves In the leaves In the leaves Two of us are having fun Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Starting point is 00:39:31 Two of us are having fun. We're running round and round. One of us is the lazy one. I'm lying on the ground. Having some fun in the garden. Looking at flowers and trees. Finding some sun in the garden. Kicking our feet in the leaves In the leaves La la la la la leaves In the leaves La la la la la leaves

Starting point is 00:40:01 And I like that. Very good. On a sunny day, it's not embarrassing to put that on. No, that's what I mean. It's like very nice if you're into that kind of thing. Yeah. Folk, what was the last one we were going to play a bit of? Let's have a look.

Starting point is 00:40:17 Near and Far? No. No. Animal Game Part 2. Near and Far was great because it's basically the scene from Father Ted where we're explaining distance and size. Let's have a bit of that. They actually are trying to explain to children

Starting point is 00:40:28 why things look big when they're close and small when they're far away. If you stand next to me, you're tall. If you stand over there, you're small. Oh, I can't hear a word you say. That's because you're too far away. So now there's only one thing to do. That's to move nearer to you. Now that we're all together, there are so many things to do. If you don't understand, then give me your hand, la, la, la. La, la, la, la, la, la, la. La, la, la, la, la, la, la. Where's Poindexter?

Starting point is 00:41:31 No. He's here. He's right here, Paul. He's going under the belt. That's it. You pushed me too far this time. Oh, he's sticking the... He's right in there. He's right in the fucking nubbage.

Starting point is 00:41:40 And he's staying there. He's staying down there. He's in the nubbage box. He's enclosed. Right, so right now, I'm doing a podcast with a man who stuffed a small teddy bear down his pants. Get used to it, mate. This is what goes on round here. He goes down.

Starting point is 00:41:57 He goes down there. This is horrible. He goes down there. That's what happens round here. Fucking horrible. Why are we talking about rainbow? I had other stuff to say about rainbow. Go on, then.

Starting point is 00:42:07 Let me just get Poindexter out. Don't. That's even sounding worse to me. I've just got to whip Poindexter out. That's better. Okay. I definitely smoked cock wolfage, then. No, you didn't.

Starting point is 00:42:20 I definitely smoked. I had a very vigorous shower. Hint of cock. That's what I got. That very familiar damp penis smell that only gentlemen will know I'm didn't. I definitely smelled... I had a very vigorous shower. Hint of cock. That's what I got. That very familiar damp penis smell that only gentlemen will know I'm talking about

Starting point is 00:42:30 right now. Stop. How has it come to this? Like last week, you were on about the smell of my willy. Why do I want to discuss this? I didn't talk about the smell.

Starting point is 00:42:37 I just talked about the overall cleanliness of it. Let me just tell you, listeners, there was no dick woofed. There was no... Therefed. There was. There was. I got a little bit.

Starting point is 00:42:47 I got something whiffed past me nose. We're talking about rainbow. No, we're not. Right now, we're talking about the stench of teddies in your room. No. Because they've all got drippage on them. Paul, I've got several points to make about rainbow. I've got my list here.

Starting point is 00:42:59 No, you just wrote the word Jaffa Cake. It says Jaffa Cakes on it. Right. Now I know. I've moved past Jaffa Cakes, so I'm moving on to this bit here, which is where I talk about Rainbow. Right. Funnily enough, Rainbow had one of those things.

Starting point is 00:43:12 You know there's sort of apocryphal or untrue rumours about kids' TV shows from that era, like Captain Pugwash. That wasn't true. There was no Master Bates. There was no Master Bates. Seam and Stains or whatever. That was untrue.

Starting point is 00:43:24 And then people have made stuff up about Bagpuss, I think, as well. There was something called pussy old puss or something. Okay. But there is an actual... Naughty. In an edition of Rainbow, isn't there? No. That was made up as well, that one.

Starting point is 00:43:36 No. They go, josh me off of that or whatever. So... Do you know what I'm referring to? Can you please explain it to us? The story behind it is... So at Christmas, production companies would send all their, you know what I'm referring to? Can you please explain it to us? The story behind it is, so at Christmas, production companies would send all their,

Starting point is 00:43:47 you know, goof and fluff moments, all their outtakes. Yes. And they'd watch them at Christmas and go, hey. Oh, one got leaked. The thing that you're referring to

Starting point is 00:43:55 was when the cast of Rainbow made a spoof episode that was very vulgar and rude. That's real though. They really did make that. But it was only meant to be for... For internal use. For internal use at Christmas to have a laugh at.

Starting point is 00:44:06 And somehow that got on. They wouldn't do that now. No, somehow that got on. No one would do that now, would they? Is that true? There's loads of stuff out there. Is that true? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:44:11 See, I find that fascinating. It's like, you see Zippy with a banana going... Four skin, two skin, three skin, uncut washed peedish. Yeah. No, he doesn't say that. He says four skin. And then there's lots of things about twanging and wanking. See, I believe that say that. He says foreskin. And there's lots of puns on foreskin. And it's all puns on twanging and wanking.

Starting point is 00:44:26 See, I believe that that was actually something that got through. No. Like, no. It was intentionally made as a bit of a joke. So there's never a case of that happening. There was no masturbates or semen stains. There was no pussyhole cat from... No, I think there was a song where they went,

Starting point is 00:44:39 sweet pussy, oh pussy, sweet pussy, am I? Oh, yeah. There's probably a folk song that says that, which is fine. Because it's only now that... It's a bit. It's all right, isn't it? Am I? Oh, yeah. There's probably a folk song that says that, which is fine. There's a bit. It's all right, isn't it? You go, Sweet Gadget, Sweet Gadget, Am I? Who's caught a gadget in the... The thing is, in the pantheon of great kids TV show,

Starting point is 00:45:00 Rainbow ranks quite highly. That's what I was going to say. That's why... It's well loved we've talked about others on the show but it's it was pretty good show wasn't it for kids it's exactly what it needed to be you know what i mean it was reasonably funny for the audience intended jeffrey held it together reasonably well he was always even the actor that was jeffrey because he used his real name even he was aware of the kind of camp kind of daftness to it so he played it up

Starting point is 00:45:25 and he had to it's not as good as sesame street but um you know no but it's it's it's it's the same mindset yeah i and i think that's why i've i've got a warmth for it and also funky soundtrack great soundtrack theme yeah great theme you can't without unless you're really cynical fuck there's really not a lot to complain about with Rainbow in the same way as you could complain about something like

Starting point is 00:45:48 Roland Ratt or Mallet well we've tried like I said to the listeners before we've tried to do a Roland Ratt spin off record

Starting point is 00:45:56 today and it just wasn't working terrible one more myth that I want to discuss with you regarding Rainbow

Starting point is 00:46:01 yes Bungle Going Mad the original Bungle Going Mad have you not heard of this all I know is that originally the Bungle and Mad. The original Bungle Going Mad. Have you not heard of this? All I know is that originally the Bungle... And he wouldn't take the suit off. I've never heard of this. He got into the character and wouldn't take the suit off. Hang on, let's ask the internet. Bungle

Starting point is 00:46:14 Going Mad, Rainbow. Okay. An urban legend holds that one actor, presumably Stanley Bates, who played it for the longest time, who played the role of Bungle, was fired after swearing at a child who had stood on his foot during a live show. Although long-time Rainbow contributor

Starting point is 00:46:28 Malcolm Lord revealed that Bates chose to stand down before the live shows began in order to concentrate on script writing. Okay. But there's no... I can't seem to find a story online. Well, no, you can see how

Starting point is 00:46:37 a little incident like that swearing at a child who stands on your toe could turn into through, you know, the game of telephone down the years yeah do you know what i mean one story gets exaggerated for another for another for another and then it ends up him going mad i could see how that actually an incident of that nature can get

Starting point is 00:46:55 amplified so that probably is because it's it's common because you hear these stories about disneyland employees who have to dress as fucking donald duck that's another one of those myths i've heard like did you hear about the Mickey Mouse who beat up kids? Yeah, about the goofy who stole kids and took them

Starting point is 00:47:09 to the underground pipes. And that's almost like with all of these sort of Chuck E. Cheese horror films that are coming out now. It's almost like a trope in horror as well.

Starting point is 00:47:16 Like a theme park attraction. Or like the Banana Splits. That was just a TV show similar to HR Huffpuff and stuff. Yeah, but they were like suit characters,

Starting point is 00:47:24 weren't they? So they are, along with clowns, clowns more so, but they're sort of things that used to be for kids that are coming into the horror genre. How about this then? Rainbow as a folk horror film. Yes. You know what I mean? Totally. So... Mate, you've got... Yeah. Rod J.

Starting point is 00:47:39 All the kind of Wicked Man songs throughout it. They're all working on this kid show and then they fucking go ritual crazy. And they make sacrifices. Somebody write this. Write the script. It's ours, though. The harvest has been sown.

Starting point is 00:47:51 The harvest has been sown. Oh, we've got to sacrifice him in the wicker bungle. Oh, yes, the wicker bungle. The wicker bungle. Now, the other thing, Geoffrey marching down, you know, dressed in animal costumes

Starting point is 00:48:06 it could work as a sort of also have a sort of Halloween 3 thing where it's going out over the TV and hypnotising people kids

Starting point is 00:48:14 until dusty or something until dusty you know yeah and blood comes out of Zippy's head or something the other thing

Starting point is 00:48:20 I wanted to mention is there's something about the word bungle and the fact that he's sort of like this man in a suit that is kind of amusing. And I think Viz had one of my favourite

Starting point is 00:48:30 Viz fake newspaper articles. It's like, spotting of the Woolwich bungle. Do you know what I mean? The Woolwich bungle has been spotted as if he was a cryptid. Do you know what I mean? It's funny. It's been done before because the original bungle suit was quite terrifying. But if you were walking down the street in the middle of the night and just someone stepped

Starting point is 00:48:47 out from the side wearing a bungal costume you'd be like i'm just gonna go back now it's scary but it's scary in the same way a mask is because it's like you can't actually see their face you know what i mean right anything else you want to say before we wrap this up uh just to say that the bungal on the cover of this where you can see photos of this LP and you can hear the tracks that we've mentioned of course. You will have heard a bit. Sorry. Yes.

Starting point is 00:49:08 Okay. Yeah. Just like we've got a safe bungle is what I'm saying. Safe bungle? No, it's not a non-scary bungle.

Starting point is 00:49:14 No, it's a very friendly bungle. It's a friendly bungle on this. Although it looks more like a lion's face than a bear's. Totally. It's still quite scary actually when you gaze at it

Starting point is 00:49:23 and think about all the embarrassing things that happen to you. It's like... Imagine opening a bin and finding Zippy drunk. You'd take him home. Yeah, you'd take him home. Well, you'd think, is that Oscar the Grouch?

Starting point is 00:49:33 And they'd be like, no. Or maybe he's sucking off Oscar the Grouch for money. You're just trying to put something salacious in at the end of the segment now, aren't you? Come on. I'll just let you... Did you do a little scene? I've got off the idea now.

Starting point is 00:49:44 No, because it was weak. That's why. I'll finish him off, Zippy. I'll do it. do a little scene. I've got off the idea now. No, because it was weak. That's why. I'll finish him off. Yippee, I'll do it. All right. All right, right. We'll go skiing, George. That's great.

Starting point is 00:49:52 I'll toss him off. I will fucking... Thank you very much for listening to Silverman's Platters. Now, pull this LP. I was just going to wank off. Pull this LP. Is it, for you, a splatter or a platter? I'm going to give this a strong platter.

Starting point is 00:50:09 Yes, very good. Nice music. I mean, it is quite breathtaking how well produced this record is. I mean, maybe it's the record player that we heard it on, but it's a subtly beautiful album. It's very good. I hope everyone enjoyed it. Now press the button, Liz. Come on.

Starting point is 00:50:23 Come on. No, don't. Okay, George. I'll do it now. button. Come on. Come on. No, don't. Okay, George. I'll do it now. I'm doing Poindexter. No, don't. That's like Bungle. He's like a miniature

Starting point is 00:50:31 Bungle that fits in my pants. What a perfect thing for you. He's inanimate, you know. I wouldn't do this if he was really a small

Starting point is 00:50:37 bear in a t-shirt. Or you wouldn't be this real man in a costume that you're trying to force down your pants. That would be the smallest man who

Starting point is 00:50:43 ever lived. And I wouldn't want to put him down your pants. No, not unless smallest man who ever lived and I wouldn't want to put him down your pants. No, not unless you wanted to go down there. He might do. Prefer to have

Starting point is 00:50:49 an inanimate toy. I would too. Is that all you've got? I'll take it back about the whiff of my cock. No, it definitely stunk and even now when you're waving

Starting point is 00:50:56 that bear around I can still smell it. It's not. It's coming from over there Mount Grotpants is disassembling itself. Oh, the twanglet. I don't know what that means.

Starting point is 00:51:05 Stop the fucking thing. It ain't got that thing if we can't get the betwing. It's time for The Price of Shite. Oh, it's the fucking Price of Shite. It's the fucking Price of Shite. It's the fucking Price of Shite. It's the fucking Price of Shite. And that's right.

Starting point is 00:51:24 That's right. It is another bespoke edition of The price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. And that's right. That's right. It is another bespoke edition of the price of shite. It's the game where you win per twings if you get the price of the item on the nose. How many per twings do you get for that, Paul? If you get the correct price, you will be awarded two. That's two per twings. Per twing, per twing. If you are closer than 25p, lower or higher than the actual price.

Starting point is 00:51:43 It's just a one per twing. It's just a one per twing. It's just a one per twing. It's just a one per twing for that, Paul. Now, in the past, because the shops have been closed, we have been very, very grateful to have a P.O. Box service, which has delivered to us some several, several fantastic little bespoke price of shites. P.O. delivery systems.

Starting point is 00:51:59 The little slots open and the per twingeth, they wingeth towards me, Paul. Price that thing and earn a per twing. I don't want anyone to forget last time we played I wiped the floor with you

Starting point is 00:52:09 you did do very well this time at that time I agree oh look at this what's this these all the petwings are one

Starting point is 00:52:15 what I won last time I'm swimming in petwings can you trade them in for anything are they of any use petwings outside of gratification

Starting point is 00:52:22 in the moment no they're very ephemeral, but they're recorded forever. They are. There is a recorded litany of Petwings. But you're right, Paul. Seriously, the joy of the Petwing is in the moment. It's in the moment.

Starting point is 00:52:35 That the Petwingeth is spaken. After winning the Petwingeth, I open my golden membranous wingeth, and I welcome the arrival of between earth. Right. Right, who sent this one? This is coming, look at this, it's nicely plastered.

Starting point is 00:52:52 It's a postcard. Feel that, it's all very good quality, isn't it? Oh, and it's nicely printed there. Yeah, it's pretty well printed out. So, this comes from Adam from Stoke-on-Trent.

Starting point is 00:53:01 Adam, thank you very much. Dear Eli and Paul, I have for you here a bespoke price of shite with a difference. As the pandemic... Is he doing his... Oh, sorry.

Starting point is 00:53:10 I'll pipe down. Relax, just relax. I haven't had too many coffees. Yeah, you really have. As the pandemic means all the charity shops are closed, I thought about where I could get my hands

Starting point is 00:53:19 on some top-level tats without leaving the comfort and safety of my sofa. So, Wish.com, of course. There we go. Now, a little aside, I've been wanting to do a Wish.com thing for a while, but it's hard to have an angle on it because, you know, Stuart does his, and we did it on Barshan, so I'm trying to think of a way.

Starting point is 00:53:33 Explain to me what Wish.com is, please. Wish.com is a place you go to to buy very cheap, probably very unsafe, gadgets and trinkets and bits and bobs. It's like a kind of... Knock-off stuff from China. Yeah. Is that what it is? It's kind of that kind of place.

Starting point is 00:53:46 You go there if you want to get a £10 version of a £100 item. It's that kind of thing. Right. I don't know how trustworthy it is as a service, but Stuart's used it, and he says, give it a few weeks to get your stuff. There's no rush, you know. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:53:59 But he does it just to create content. So the worse it is, the better it is. Exactly. For him. So we need to find our own angle. But for the sake of this, great, here's how we get started.

Starting point is 00:54:08 So yes, that's right. All the items you're about to see are new. Mint on card, if you will. I will. I will, Adam.

Starting point is 00:54:14 Fresh from China's online mystery marketplace. Lovely, lovely, fresh items. I have included the prices in a sealed envelope within. The prices do not include

Starting point is 00:54:23 the postage and packaging costs, which were a quid each. So that's good. Postage and packaging are quid for these. So here is the envelope. An upper limit. I have in my hand the envelope, and I can see it's sealed. It's sealed.

Starting point is 00:54:35 Both of us have seen that. Paul would have to do something very sophisticated, which he's not even capable of to cheat. So it doesn't have a price. The answer's under Poindexter. Poindexter protecting for twings. Yes. Thank you.

Starting point is 00:54:51 Very good. So, he hasn't given us an overall account, but that's fine. It's not mandatory. Are there any hints at all towards what the price of these must be? No, not at all. He says, hope you enjoy these amazing finds. I look forward to hearing your opinions on them. Adam Stoke on Trent. Thank you. So they were sent, sorry, all in He says, hope you enjoy these amazing finds. I look forward to hearing your opinions on them. Adam Stoke on Trent. Thank you.

Starting point is 00:55:06 So they were sent, sorry, all in one go. And he spent a quid and you haven't even opened that. Yeah, so it's all sealed. So there's items listed in an order. So I'm going to... Oh, I've got the paper ready, Paul. I'll open the bag and hand you the items and you describe them. All right, and I'll do it as we go.

Starting point is 00:55:21 You'll trust me to be the betweeneth market. We both take this very seriously. So why wouldn't I trust you in this instance? No reason not to trust me. Don't write on the table, though, because it does create a lot of bang, so use a thigh or a knee or a raised book. I've got it all under control, Paul.

Starting point is 00:55:37 How many items are we working with here? There are six today. Okay, a lot of items. So that's a potential of what? 12 per twings today. 12 per twings. He hasn't suggested any kind of bonus scoring system or anything for this. No.

Starting point is 00:55:48 Okay. It's a standard, bog standard, per twingeth awarding system. We're going to keep it simple. Two columns, Paul. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:55:55 A P column and an E column. And I've got a numbers down the side. Yeah. Going from one to six. Right. Are you happy with that? I am very happy with this. This is all very pleasing.

Starting point is 00:56:04 Right. Here is your first item, Mr. Silverman. I will let you explain it, and if it contradicts what I've got written down, then I'll correct you. All right? He's handing me. Here we go. What is it? Oh, it's a pin badge.

Starting point is 00:56:17 Yeah. He's bringing the light in. It is a DJing Knight Templar. I'll tell you what it says. It says, item one is an enamel pin featuring the Black Knight from Monty Python as a DJ. Yeah. I don't know what the context for that is a joke. As the Black Knight.

Starting point is 00:56:34 Oh, he's got no arms to do the scratching with. Oh, yeah. I can see his little arm. That's quite good, isn't it? Nice little badge, that. So there you go. There's your first item, Mr. Silverman. What does it say?

Starting point is 00:56:42 I'm trying to make out what the writing is. I can't really make it out myself. Cis butt. Let's have a look. It looks like cis butt scratch. Tis butter scratch. Oh. Ah, it's all coming together.

Starting point is 00:56:52 That's the line, isn't it, from the Monty Python and the Holy Grail? And he's DJ Scratchin'. I see, that's the pun. That's quite funny, isn't it? Yeah. I quite like that. Do you want that badge? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:57:01 Yeah, you can have that. Oh, no, but there's other badges that you've already got your eye on. You dirty bastard. Yeah. But it's fine i the one i've got my eye on i think i like so what's the price of that i don't know do you want to go first or shall i you go first i've been going first before all right i will guess that that is it's wish.com i'm gonna say it's one pound 50 what say you are you good on badges, don't you? You know badges. Not really. I've been off my game these last couple of Price of Shites. I'm going to go £2.50. £2.50, he says.

Starting point is 00:57:31 He hasn't given us a top. He might have spent £15, £16, £17 on this lot. I hope he hasn't. But yeah, you're right. He still might have. All right. I'm just saying. That's it.

Starting point is 00:57:39 We don't have a ballpark, do we, to play in? We can't kick these prices around. They're quite pricey, I think. They can be. £10, some of them. play in? I think pin badges are quite pricey. They can be. £10, some of them. Those ones that we've been getting, the horror balls, what are they called? The mad ball ones. Mad balls and the tiny tits.

Starting point is 00:57:53 They were like £4 or £5. Yeah, £6 they are. Either way, this is Wish. That's what I'm saying. But this is Wish.com. It doesn't look the best quality, that badge. No. Next item?

Starting point is 00:58:03 Yes. You're going to love it. What is it? It is this. He's handed to me what looks like crisp-themed socks. Yes. Yes, that is what it is. Lays, I can see.

Starting point is 00:58:14 I wonder what flavour they are. It says, a pair of socks printed with the image of a packet of Lays pickled flavour crisps. Oh, these are good, aren't they? They're good, aren't they? Look at them! Look at that. It's been laser printed on somehow cheaply

Starting point is 00:58:26 I bet after two washes that comes off they're dill pickle flavoured mate look at that they would fit me as well have a feel of the tuck what's the quality like quite cheap

Starting point is 00:58:35 that is quite cheap it's very nylon-y or whatever yeah it's not coming off in my hand I mean you're not going to go to the Lord Mayor's Ball

Starting point is 00:58:43 wearing those you know well I don't know wait till we're invited I mean, you're not going to go to the Lord Mayor's Ball wearing those, you know? Well, I don't know. Wait till we're invited. I'm invited to the Lord Mayor's Ball. Do you know what he does? Go on. He's got a big, it's a bath, basically.

Starting point is 00:58:58 The Lord Mayor? Yeah. Right. You go in. Yeah. He makes you sign a book. Right. At his party?

Starting point is 00:59:04 Yeah. Okay. It's the Lord Mayor's Ball. Right. And he has a bath to go upstairs. It's a bath. Not upstairs. It makes you sign a book. Right. And then he goes. At his party? Yeah. Okay. This is the Lord Mayor's ball. Right. And he has a bath to go upstairs. There's a bath. Not upstairs. It's in the main thing. Oh, in the middle of the room. It's more like a sort of sewage system. Right. If you can imagine. There's all these pipes going into the bath and they're all coming out and going to the kitchen. Right.

Starting point is 00:59:17 And there's all people running around like you know, tinking their little forks and knives. Do you know where this is going? No, I don't. I don't. I do you know where this is going no I don't I don't I don't know where it's going that's the joy of this podcast Paul

Starting point is 00:59:29 now I rate those crisps I rate those crisps socks you don't get that flavour dill pickle release the dill pickle

Starting point is 00:59:37 that's what I say I love dill pickle flavoured crisps have I told you that before you boring I really do boring arsehole they're yellow

Starting point is 00:59:44 price me I went high on the last one uh two pounds two pounds on the nose i'm saying two i'm gonna say four pounds for that four pounds for the socks yeah yeah okay i'm going off like stewart's experience so because pricey he doesn't he has like one thing that's under a five, isn't it? And then his 13th item is over a 10 or more. So, you know, I'm just going to say four quid because I'm going to punt on this one. We're on to item number three. What did you say, sorry? I said two.

Starting point is 01:00:17 Two. All right, fair play. Next, Eli, here's your third item. This is a patch. Yeah. And it's got an A, a winged A. Yeah. And it says asshole, American spelling of asshole, merit badge.

Starting point is 01:00:34 It's a funny badge. An iron-on fabric patch that says asshole merit badge. So what? Like if you're a Cub Scout, you get the badge for being an asshole? Yeah. It's a joke. So you wear it and say, I'm an asshole. Yeah. What are you going to do?, you get the badge for being an asshole? Yeah, it's meant to be, it's a joke. So you wear it and say, I'm an asshole. What you gonna do?

Starting point is 01:00:47 I got a badge, I'm an asshole, buddy. It's a bit vulgar and stupid, the joke. You wouldn't wear that on your jacket, say? I wouldn't wear that on my jacket. But imagine you're well into metal and you've got the whole jacket and you've got the Iron Maiden. You just want to have a look with a lot of badges on. A lot of patches. It wasn't the only thing.

Starting point is 01:01:05 If that was the only joke on your... If you had just a normal jacket on and then that, people think, what's wrong with you? But if it's amongst

Starting point is 01:01:11 loads of other sort of humorous or... My asthma of... It could work. Badges and slogans. And I'm giving it a good review there because it's not for me.

Starting point is 01:01:20 It's not fit for the purpose outside of being stuck on something that already has 50 other badges. Yeah. And it's just sort of like, you know, it's an ersatz fake. What's the quality like? Is it well made? I'm just going to get it out.

Starting point is 01:01:30 All of these items are brand new. And they're all sealed in little packets. Why can't you open that? There, it's done it. It's weird that that took you so much time and effort. Qualities, I don't know. It's fine for what it is. It's fine for what it is. It's weird that that took you so much time and effort. Qualities, I don't know. It's fine for what it is. It's fine for what it is.

Starting point is 01:01:47 It's weird because I like the little A with the wings. I just don't like the asshole bit. It's basically a copy of a sort of biker gang style. Yeah, I guess. It's a biker gang sort of copy. If this was 1976 and I was in a biker gang, that would go next to my anarchy badge and my ACdc uh zz top uh fight the power yeah evil eddie sticker whatever wow all that stuff that's status quo it was wrong and all of that like

Starting point is 01:02:13 status quo i made and didn't even have their first album till 1980 or 79 so you're wrong all right i'm just giving examples well you're just jumping all over the place i don't i don't like you he's pulling his podge. He's wobbling his podge at me. There was actual violence as well earlier. So. Sex. Eli.

Starting point is 01:02:32 Yes, Eli. I'm going to need a price for the badge. Is it not my turn to go first? No. No, all right. You'll go then. Badge was, I think they go quite cheap. I'm going to go 75p for the badge.

Starting point is 01:02:43 Oh, I'm just going to go for a quid then. I'm going to go big on the quid. Okay. Right. Now, these have been fun items, and I want at least two of them. Right, next one. Here's the next item. Eli, explain.

Starting point is 01:02:55 It's another pin badge, and this is a rainbow. Oh, it is. Rainbow and SpongeBob SquarePants, and written across the rainbow. Fuck off. I love this badge. I'm having that one. Another MML badge of Spongebob with a fuck off rainbow. But he never swears in the actual show.

Starting point is 01:03:13 No, of course he doesn't. It's a kid's show. But why would, you know, I don't like the joke. That's the point, isn't it? It's kind of like rainbow, but it's like fuck off. It's one of these kind of Gen X kind of things that usually is found on a T-shirt in Camden Town. You know, like Ganja Bob, Bart Simpson. They all have that kind of

Starting point is 01:03:29 real lowest common denominator sort of vibe, knockoff vibe, Camden Market kind of vibe. Warner Brothers. If you see a cop, Warner Brothers, and you've got the Warner Brothers logo. All of this stuff

Starting point is 01:03:40 has that kind of vibe. It all has a nasty tourism shop in a weird part of London. I like that badge a lot. That's going right on my board of pin badges, which is growing by the day. You do have a good eye for the badge. I love pin badges.

Starting point is 01:03:54 I love the badge as well. And that pin board is becoming my favourite thing. Do you think I should put this knight on? It's a bit of a lame one, isn't it? On your jacket? Why not? If not, it's going to the pin board badge museum. Those are the only two badges in the look.

Starting point is 01:04:06 Let's see. Oh, did we give a price for those? No. Oh, what did I say for the first badge? 150. You said 150 for the first badge. I'm going to push it. It's a larger badge.

Starting point is 01:04:15 This is about half the size of the night. I'm going to push it to two quid for this to kind of split the difference. So two pound for me on that one. Two pound on the other badge, yeah? It might be that they're both the same price and that and whatever, but I'm going to split the difference so £2. Item 1 was the pin badge. Item 2 was the socks. Item 3 is the patch. Item 4 is the

Starting point is 01:04:32 SpongeBob. And you say for Sponge? I said £2 for SpongeBob badge. SpongeBob badge. And I'm going to say... Can I say £2 as well? Yeah, I don't think there's any rules saying we can't match prices. I think you're good there. So £2. And on to item number five.

Starting point is 01:04:47 Item five. This is a huge order. It's another fabric item. It's a fabric item. But what fabric? It looks like it's some kind of tote bag or something like that. Yes. A pillowcase.

Starting point is 01:04:57 It's a pillowcase. It's a Dave Grohl pillowcase. It is. It's exactly that. It is a cushion cover featuring Dave Grohl. It's for a couch cushion, isn't it? It's not like it's for a bed pillow. No, from the Foo Fighters in a military uniform.

Starting point is 01:05:10 Yes. Specifically. He's got a military uniform. Do you think he knows his face is on shit like that? Because that's obviously just some promotion thing that someone's stolen and slapped on a fabric. You can put any image on anything now with today's printing and manufacturing processes.

Starting point is 01:05:24 It's the end of anything really meaning anything like that. Would you keep that? Stuff it with a pillow? Would you want Dave Grohl's face? I mean, I, you know, I'm indifferent towards the music, so I wouldn't...

Starting point is 01:05:32 Do you like Dave Grohl as a person? He seems like a fun guy. He seems like a very nice man. You know? So I've got nothing against him. I don't, I wouldn't... I mean, if you're a fan of him. I haven't got a cushion

Starting point is 01:05:41 to put you on, Dave. Sorry. No, that's true. I can't sit... You couldn't sit on his face, could you? No. That's my least favourite item just because I've got no interest. These haven't got a cushion to put you on, Dave. Sorry. That's true. I can't see it. You couldn't see it. Sit on his face, could you? No. That's my least favourite item

Starting point is 01:05:47 just because I've got no interest. These are odd things, though, because they're obviously made for a Foo Fighters fan, but is it a Foo Fighters fan who wants to have Foo Fighter pillows and Dave Grohl pillows

Starting point is 01:05:56 in his house, you know? He looks like Jesus. You could just get away with it. £2.15. Oh, you're doing the pricing. Right. I'm going to say fiver. Okay.

Starting point is 01:06:04 I'm going to fiver. You put fiver down. You write fiver down for me. I did write fiver down for you. Here is the last item in this wish.com price of shite. Here we go. Eli is handed it to me and it is a ring. Finger ring.

Starting point is 01:06:17 And it's in a little baggie which says ring on it. Yes, I've given Eli a finger ring right now. And he's also handed me the ring. I thank you. helpful I've given Eli a fingering right now and he's also handed me the ring I thank you and I've stuck my finger who is that Elvis yes it is that is a terrible piece of shit

Starting point is 01:06:32 it is a silver quote unquote diamond quote unquote that would make giving me a rash already that's why I'm doing the quote unquote a silver and diamond ring featuring a small photograph

Starting point is 01:06:41 of Elvis that is so kitsch and terrible I quite like it can I have a look at that I quite like it i thought you would like that because it is so point oh what a fucking that is like a that is like a prize at a dodgy fairground it's a you know those penny shoving machine they always used to have like when i used to go to those fairs that you always used to have elvis mirrors as like the big prize do you remember or Charlie Chaplin yeah

Starting point is 01:07:05 Elvis Charlie Chaplin or Snoopy Marilyn Monroe this is a real piece of horrible shit can I keep that after the show thanks

Starting point is 01:07:14 once I've taken the pictures for the website thecheapshow.co.uk that is the final item of six on this bumper wish episode I'm going to say

Starting point is 01:07:21 30p for that or no 50p 50p 50p and I am going to say what's for that. Or no, 50p. 50p. And I am going to say... What's your favourite thing of all of this, out of interest? I am going to go with the Spongebob badge. I think I like the Elvis ring the most. Do you? Just imagine you saw it

Starting point is 01:07:36 on someone's finger, like they were actually wearing it seriously. You'd know to avoid them, wouldn't you? Conversationally and socially. I'm going to say what's in my heart on that? I think 35p. Yeah. This is one of those weird things which are either disgustingly expensive or horrendously cheap. Nothing is expensive on Wish.

Starting point is 01:07:51 That's the point. No. For what it is, nothing is expensive. Yeah, okay. Right, so pass me the scores. I'm going to pass me the awards because you're going to keep the scores because you need to do the points. No, no, you look at those and I'll open the sticks. Oh, all right.

Starting point is 01:08:02 Just for fairness. I just don't want you to think I'm going to change the scores or cheat or get it wrong. No, you don't have a pen. So do you need more light? I still need to tick, don't I? Can you comprehend what I've written down of our guesses? Yes. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:08:12 Right. Ready? I have in my hand. A piece of paper. The answers. In an envelope. Would you like to do the ceremony? I have to move the light.

Starting point is 01:08:19 Sorry about the noise, everybody. I've enjoyed these items because they've been fun. No, this is good. This is a great one. Thanks again, Adam. Thank you thank you very much adam there's a picture on these answers yeah paul there is a picture of noel in a mankini what pink mankini oh god i didn't need to see that today nice one uh again lovely finish oh a piece of photograph paper that gave me a sweet nudge yeah gave you a sweet nudge just a little uplift. A little bit of a pulse. Weird, that.

Starting point is 01:08:48 Yeah, okay. A lot of feelings to process. Yeah, you've already wanked, fully wanked, thinking of a robot gnoll head spinning round and round in a dystopian abattoir facility. And moving on. So are these items in the same order as the list

Starting point is 01:09:03 as we've gone through them? So it should be badge, socks, patch, badge, cover, ring. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Right, then. How good on the betwings do you feel? Have you got a feeling for betwinging? I don't know. I kind of felt a little bit like it was shots in the dark for me. Sometimes we do.

Starting point is 01:09:20 A bit like when you're with that robot head of Noel. That's not shots in the dark. It's bang on, back of the throat action every single time. Okay. I smash that uvula with my Joshy frottage. So the first item was the enamel badge featuring the Black Knight from Monty Python DJing. Eli, so you said £2.50. I said £1.50.

Starting point is 01:09:41 The price, unfortunately, this time for both of us Paul is £2 No betwings there No betwings there But we were in the sameish ballpark in terms of 50p either way I'm not saying we get a point but I'm just saying we weren't too far out No, no

Starting point is 01:09:56 No betwings there It's not looking good for betwings I've just been looking down there A pair of socks printed with the image of a packet of Lay's pickled flavour crisps. Eli, you said £2. I said £4. The actual price was... Oh, Paul, you're so close to a betwing.

Starting point is 01:10:14 It's £3.71. Oh, that's fucking bogus. No betwing has to be 25p within, and you weren't. No, no. So, nothing there. Oh, we're going to blank out both of us. This is a shit show.

Starting point is 01:10:27 This is Adam's fault. He didn't give us a fucking gamut of... He didn't give us a top thing, did he? He didn't give us a scene to reach. Very important,

Starting point is 01:10:33 but I seem to remember last time we didn't have a ballpark either. Just making excuses for us being shit. Yeah, but it doesn't work. No. People have been

Starting point is 01:10:40 paying attention. We didn't have a ballpark figure last episode. No one should pay more attention to this pod than we do. But we don't. That's the problem. We should pay more attention. We didn't have a ballpark figure last episode. No one should pay more attention to this pod than we do. But we don't. That's the problem.

Starting point is 01:10:46 We should pay more attention. We need an encyclopedia. A cheap cyclopedia. Well, listen, Paul, how about this? Is there a cheap show Wikipedia type thing? But it's not going to be accurate. We need to know what we've covered, especially going forward.

Starting point is 01:10:59 You know what? Never look back. We need to know the records. Never look back. Are you ready for the third item? Which is the iron fabric, an iron on fabric patch with asshole merit thing asshole merit uh eli said 75p i said one pound on the

Starting point is 01:11:11 nose the score is two pounds fuck me fucking striking out that surprises me considering the badge was what two pound not very good quality i thought that'd be a lot cheaper well we both did evidently obviously yeah i think we're all gonna to fucking fuck the rest of this up now. Four is the SpongeBob badge. I said £2. You said £2 also. 77p. How the fuck is the SpongeBob 77p, but the Black Knight one is £2?

Starting point is 01:11:39 Because it's about twice the size. No, but that's what I'm saying. It's not that much bigger, really. It's about twice the area. I mean, don't get me wrong. With 77p, that's nice. You need twice the enamel paint, but even... No, but that's what I'm saying. It's not that much bigger, really. It's about twice the area. I mean, don't get me wrong. With 70cp, that's nice. You need twice the enamel paint or whatever, don't you? I don't know.

Starting point is 01:11:50 I don't know. I'm a bit disappointed with that. It seems uneven. Random. All right. There's too much chaos in this for me. We both know this is heading towards utter, petwingless disaster, Bill.

Starting point is 01:11:59 Eli, this is too much chaos for me in Price of Shite. There are too many variables. I know. This is not a lab situation kind of Price of Shite. There are too many variables. I know. This is not a lab situation. Sometimes it's hard to get even one between us. I've been there, Paul, but we're both suffering from it now. Because I can tell you right now, neither of us have scored on the last two items. Right, great.

Starting point is 01:12:15 Here we go. Well, then let's go through the formality of getting this wrong. So a cushion cover featuring Dave Grohl. I said £5. Eli said £2.15. 83p. Fuck me. Do you know what I mean? What. Eli said £2.15. 83p. Fuck me. Do you know what I mean?

Starting point is 01:12:27 What? This is a fucking shit show. Adam's like the Joker of Price of Shite. He's totally beaten us from beyond the... He's the anarchic... From the other side of the podcast. The anarchic crime lord of Price of Shite. And we're just Batman and Robin.

Starting point is 01:12:40 We don't know what's going on. Right, finally, the silver and diamond ring with Elvis. I said 50p. You said 35p. The answer was 87 pounds. What? I think you've scored a between. What did you say?

Starting point is 01:12:54 I said 50p. You said 35. We both scored a between there. It was 66p. 35, 45, 65. Yeah, I... 35, 40, 50. Let's do some basic maths.

Starting point is 01:13:04 55. So, 63. 66. 66. Hang on. 65 yeah I 35 40 let's do some basic maths 55 so 63 66 66 hang on so 66 take away 35 is what um

Starting point is 01:13:11 shut up it's 31 so you're out then oh and I got 50p and it was 66 so I'm definitely in

Starting point is 01:13:20 so that means Eli I get a between and what I want from you is between that okay so imagine this right just for the sake of this between I'm glad we didn't both not, Eli, I get a between. And what I want from you is between that. Okay, so imagine this, right? Just for the sake of this between. I'm glad we didn't both not score, honestly.

Starting point is 01:13:28 That might have been really depressing. I'm not trying to be all humble. I know. I am glad someone did. I'm going to milk this between. So what I want from you is between that, in terms of emotion, have been building up. It's been trying to express itself for six items,

Starting point is 01:13:39 but it was never going to get released. It might have been like between blue balls. I need you to release that between all over my face and neck. So when you're ready, Eli, give me your between. Between? No. What?

Starting point is 01:13:51 You know. If you got that one between. I spaketh, and you will receiveth my betweeneth. I will not milly-mally with you describing my betweeneth. This is how he gets away with murder every week. I don't get a word

Starting point is 01:14:08 in edgeways. He has a fucking mental breakdown. What do you want me to do? Do it like I'm coming, yeah? Say it, mate. No. Spittwing like I'm coming. Here we go. Mate. Is this what you want? I don't want any of those spittwings.

Starting point is 01:14:23 Is that what you want? I was just thinking, if this had been Revolved Reversed, I would have given you a nice betwing. I would have been like, betwing! You can have that one. And that's what I was kind of going for. I know, but it was a silly thing. It wasn't going to work.

Starting point is 01:14:35 So this means nothing to you. Are you basically just saying betwings mean nothing to you then? Oh, Vienna. They mean a lot to me. Oh, but to me, they're frivolous. They mean a lot to me too. They mean a lot to me too, betwings. I'm sorry, I have to fiddle with the lamp. And it means a lot to me that you... to me they're frivolous they mean a lot to me too they mean a lot to me too between

Starting point is 01:14:46 and it means a lot to me that you just look on the positive side one of us has got out of here with a between and the integrity it's all about the integrity

Starting point is 01:14:54 of the system of the institution Adam's ruined this it's his Adam's fault it's not ours it's Adam's fault it's been tested the institution is solid

Starting point is 01:15:02 the between was awarded please don't make a scene i'll give you any kind of i see you at any live events i will cut you for this right how dare you bring chaos into our podcast you're taking bringing violence no i'm bringing i'm reaching the end of my titty tether i'm reaching the end titty tether my titty tether what does that what's that different from a normal tether it involves titties that's it titty tether so you titty tether. What's that different from a normal tether? It involves titties. That's it.

Starting point is 01:15:26 Titty tether. So you've made no effort there to link somehow titties and tethers. I'm just saying, Adam and you better fucking watch your back. Because I am. I am. Oh. Oh. Can I have these socks then?

Starting point is 01:15:38 Yeah, you can have the socks. You should model them for the website. I might try them on, yeah. Yeah, model them. Anyway, Adam, thank you. Oh, God. Anything was sick in my mouth thank you very much adam thank you very much for those actually really delightful and interesting price

Starting point is 01:15:49 of shites very good thank you but uh difficult difficult but i walk away with between and eli he don't got a thing i'm used to it and here he is he's putting on the sock how is it feeling upon your feet it's terrible it's a terrible sock really terrible thing so not only is it feeling upon your feet? It's terrible. It's a terrible sock. A really terrible thing. So not only is it awful to wear. I already feel my foot sort of starting to sweat. Coming out in a rash. It's itchy already. Yeah. And I don't even have that sensitive skin.

Starting point is 01:16:14 No. Not on that part of my body. Do you know where I do have sensitive skin? Here we go. Where Poindexter likes to snuffle. No, he doesn't like to. He struggles to scuggle around there. Well, then put your cock in the sock.

Starting point is 01:16:24 No. Put Poindexter back there. Put your cock in the pickle sock. It's going in the other way around. Right, okay. Well, this is just you wearing pickle socks with a teddy down your boxes, and this is a very... It's a secure feeling.

Starting point is 01:16:33 Yeah? Yes. Poins Dexter's... Don't draw attention to that area of your body so I have to make eye contact with your slightly drippy nubbin. Can you get a tenner, Poins Dexter, do you think? Like a tenner?

Starting point is 01:16:44 What do you mean? Like absorbs urine? Yes, a urine absorbing... Mate, any teddy you stick down there will absorb anything you throw at it, mate, so... Stop! Stop talking about it! Poindexter wipes. Teddy-shaped wipes for your fucking

Starting point is 01:16:57 passage. I think we have reached the most. We've reached our fucking bottom. We're going to thwop this out again, sorry. Don't thwop nothing're going to thwop this out again. Sorry. Don't thwop nothing. Stop the thwop. See, there is a whiffy coming off. Come on. Let's do this.

Starting point is 01:17:14 This is it. That's the end of the episode, mate. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for listening to yet another excuse for a podcast. If you support us on Patreon, thank you so much. And if you're thinking of doing the same,

Starting point is 01:17:22 give what you can, if you can, at patreon.com forward slash cheap show. You'll get access to the amazing magazines, the videos, the extra content, the podcasts, all sorts of lovely things. They're all yours. A big box waiting for you to discover. Is the video from the Pagan Spring? It will be by the time this episode's gone up.

Starting point is 01:17:40 It'll be exclusive. Have you reviewed that footage? I'm putting that up tonight after I get home. I'm going to put that up. So thank you patreon people your donations have literally your support has literally kept this show afloat during a very difficult year so thank you so much it's over a difficult year now isn't yeah hopefully we have we have we have done our best to keep the lights on what else your envision if you still want to enter it and have a crack at it, send your tracks. They must be no longer

Starting point is 01:18:05 than two minutes, no shorter than a minute and send them as a WAV or MP3 to thecheapshowatgmail.com. We can't promise they'll get into the show, but if it turns our favour,

Starting point is 01:18:15 you'll be in. I don't know if turns our favour. Turns our favour atops the houses. So you can follow us on Facebook, on Instagram,

Starting point is 01:18:22 look for Cheap Show or Cheap Show Pod, but where we're most active is on Twitter. I'm at Paul Gannon Show. for Cheap Show or Cheap Show Pod, but where we're most active is on Twitter. I'm at PaulGannonShow. The podcast is at The Cheap Show Pod. And Eli's... Eli's Snowed, spelled E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D.

Starting point is 01:18:33 Come along, have a chat, have a natter, spread the word, lots of fun and games. What else have we got to do? Is there fun and games? No, not really. Thecheapshow.co.uk is where you can go to to find every single episode with pictures and videos when necessary.

Starting point is 01:18:45 Including photos from this week. Including photos from this week. I better get these socks off, actually. A page for every episode. What else? Videos and links to all the merch pages.

Starting point is 01:18:53 We have our own official logo page. We have Tony's art page. We have Aven's physical magazines shop for The Cheap Show magazine. It's all there as a link to some videos

Starting point is 01:19:03 and a link to Ganonland, which is my YouTube channel, which I've done nothing with in a month i'll work on that and i think that's it is that what else do we do as we do look at that sock it's fucked for me having it on for two minutes yeah uh listen to the house of pickles sound show on soho radio you can listen to old episodes on their website can't you yes what kind of music can they expect funk and soul disco boogie and stuff like that and I might actually play one of those

Starting point is 01:19:26 rainbow tracks next time. Yeah, you may be sure which is in a couple of weeks time. I'd listen in to that. I've heard it's a good show. Thanks, Paul.

Starting point is 01:19:33 I'm just trying to think email the teacher. Oh, I know who can come back. Yeah. Marjorie Craddock. Bye everyone. That's it. No, we're done.

Starting point is 01:19:39 We're done. She's got machines, mate. She's been waiting all episode to show you her machines. Go get her then. All right. He's gone. Bye everyone. We you her machines. Go get her then. All right. He's gone.

Starting point is 01:19:46 Bye, everyone. We're done here. No, fuck off, Marjorie. Do you like machines, young man? We don't have an ending for this episode. No, we do.

Starting point is 01:19:52 We don't. I came back to do the end. Most podcasts just say thank you and goodbye and join us next week. I don't know what you're talking about, podcast. All I know about is machines.

Starting point is 01:20:01 We're searching for some important ending. I'm eternally searching for a proper ending to our fucking podcast. All I know... But we don't have one. This is it. I'm done. All I know is I'm....important ending, which I'm eternally searching for a proper ending to our fucking podcast. All I know... But we don't have one. This is it.

Starting point is 01:20:07 I'm done. All I know is I'm Marjorie Craddock and I have all machines that are all the leads of the Gentleman of London. I hate all of your characters and now you. I'm not going to go.

Starting point is 01:20:15 I'm just fucking going to have to hit you. No, what? I'm bored of this. It's going to end in violence. All right, I'm going, young man. Back to my machines. I'm going to hit you

Starting point is 01:20:23 with this book, Rhythm and Blues, The Death Of, by George Nelson. Marty! Cut it! Cover it out! Bye! Bye! Bye!

Starting point is 01:20:34 She's gone, Paul. She's gone. So is my faith in this podcast. Just press stop, you. It's your low energy.

CheapShow - Ep 225: Wicker Bungle

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