CheapShow - Ep 226: Back To The Thrift Shop

Episode Date: April 15, 2021

Paul & Eli once again escape the House of Pickles to venture back on to the High Streets and investigate the newly opened Charity Shops. After months of endless, wistful window shopping, the Cheap Chaps can now go inside and see what treasures they can find amongst the trash. It's another simpler "out and about episode" (so soon?) where they challenge each other to find a strange vinyl record, a good gift for one another... and one bad gift. What will they discover? How many Clankerman locations can Eli find? Where will they eat their cheap eats? Is Paul going to be disappointed? What does Eli step in? Find out this week, because we're going back... Back to the Thrift Shop! Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-226-back-to-the-thrift-shop And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Oh, and you can NOW listen to Urinevision 2020 on Bandcamp... For Free! Enjoy! https://cheapshowpodcast.bandcamp.com/album/urinevision-2020-the-album If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! Also, you can NOW see Eli star in "Ashens & The Polybius Heist", download it from here: https://www.watchpolybiusheist.com MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop https://www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop CheapShow Magazine www.cheapmag.shop Tony's Art Merch www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Paul is writing a book! Want to help make it happen? https://unbound.com/books/ghosts/ Send Us Stuff CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Alright, you don't want to talk about Delivered Dynamite anymore? No, we're doing the podcast now. This is recording. Oh, you're talking now. You're doing it now. Now I'm doing my voice now, am I? Am I? It's just started now. Again, with the cold open. I'm not having it. Right, so ladies and gentlemen, today on Cheap Show we are out and abouting again. But we're not going to do a little adventure like we tend to do.

We're going out today because today is... Don't juggle. Don't you dare. Don't. Oh, come on. Come on, let's say hello properly, for God's sake. Why do you always try and make me look bad? I've hardly fucking said anything. Well, you just stuck the fucking furry in my mouth, haven't you?

You just stuck your furry microphone in my gob area. Right, great. What a great fucking start this is. So, today today because the charity shops are open for the first time in months eli and i are going to pop out and uh we're going to investigate them and you're going to come along with us too now we've got a bit of a remit for this episode don't we mr silverman yeah we're gonna do yes paul hello i'm eli silverman i'm also in the podcast with you don Don't look at me like that. Like you're expecting me to break down or something.

All right. Paul, the concept for today's grand reopening episode is we're going to go to various charity shops in Palmer's Green. Why Palmer's Green, I hear you say. Why Palmer's Green as well, not green. Why Palmer's Green, I hear you say. Why Palmer's Green, I hear you say Why Palmer's Green as well, not Green Why Palmer's Green, I hear you say Why Palmer's Green Not only is it conveniently situated Just up the road from here In Haringey

Not only that, it's also got several charity shops All astrunden All astrunden You know what, forget it Don't you squeeze me like that. The other thing, a little bonus for fans of the podcast. It's where we shot Clankerman. So I can take you to little Clankerman.

Adjacent areas. Little, you know, bit of Hollywood magic with the bus stop from Clankerman. Right, shut up. So that's what we're doing today. We're out and abouting. We're going to go to a charity shop and grab three items. We're going to try and grab a silverman's platter of some... You're buying that.

Don't you... Yeah, listen, fair play. Yeah, fair play. We're not going to attack each other for just mouth fuck-ups, yeah? No. For basic, just stumbling. Stumblings don't get no shade from, yeah? What are you talking about?

So we're going to get a Silverman's Platter each and we're going to get a Meat Casa where we buy each other something we think would be nice and we're going to get a Pea Casa which we think the other person will find disgusting or weird or gross or unsettling or inappropriate.

I thought that was implied so come along with us ladies and gentlemen as we venture to where are we going again? Palmer's Green for a little charity shop little bit of a charity shop treasure hunt come along won't you?

I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of cheap show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap show. Off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, brand-off Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap Cheap Show

It's the price of shite Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheat Show And I go and I nuzzle Ready to go? Yes And there I go I

To Palmer's Green say I Where I Poo-casa-pee-casa for you say I Fuck off, open the door Don't tell me to fuck off Open the door No, let's I just want to leave...

Let's embark on this. I'm fanning around. Paul, give me the mic. Let's embark on this journey in good faith with each other and holding betwixt us a common goal. Just say a sentence. Just say, I'm ready to go, let's go. I'm ready to go, Paul.

Betwixt. I'm not going to let you have it. Great. So, we're off. We're off. We're taking it. What bus are we taking? Now he wants to know details. The 141, Paul. The 141. All for one, one. All for one, for one. One for

all, 141. You want your mask? Yeah, Tommy Chin. Go on, check. Everything? We're heading into the... we've been warned that there might be a lot of people out today because the shops are open for the first time and you know humanity is what humanity does so we are heading on our way now what one four one is a good bus this decent bus close the door here we go off we go Close the door, here we go. Off we go.

La la la, la la la la la. Heading through Haringey now from our secret undisclosed location. Heading now to the 141 bus. What charity shops can we expect up there? Well, there's British Red Cross, which has a two-store shop there, Paul Paul and one of those is just books and records if you can imagine and it's very nice in there and there is North London Hospice an old favourite of ours you know North London they always can't go wrong they're always funky wherever you find the North London Hospice shops they um they have a less strict style of curating their shops, don't they?

Anything goes. Anything goes. So you get some oddities. Always a good one, North London Hospice. And then you've got the standards. You've got Oxfam there. You've got British Heart Foundation there. I think there's like a Marie Curie one as well.

So a lot of wonderful places to do some investigation. Remember, we're going to find something we both want and something we both think we'll hate. Can't wait. And also, you forgot to mention. What? Vinyl. I was literally about to do that now.

Well, it's part of the three things, the triumvirate of things we must do. Yeah, but I was literally about to say it before you interrupted me to ask about... You came to a natural conclusion. I wish you'd come to a natural conclusion. Ooh! Fuck me. Right, let'd come to a natural conclusion. Ooh! Fuck me.

Right, let's just get on the bus. Yeah, it's 141's coming now. Right, signing off. Right, we're on the bus. 141 heading into Palmer's Green. I'm ready to go. Paul, it's time for you to look at the Hobbit house. Oh, there's a little Hobbit house. Do you live there?

No. Would you like to? No. I would. It's quite a nice little house. It's a little kind of round, circular, as he says, very Hobbit-like house. Next to this park. I don't know what the park is. Woodside Road. It's adjacent to. So there you go, fact fans.

Eli before said he could name every chippy in the area. And he knew he said he knew the number of every chippy. In the area it's 124. So if I look up how many chip shops in this area it will say 124.

It will and anything else you want the number off because I'm very good on that and I look it up. All right how many massage parlours are there in your area? Two. How do you know? I frequent them and I pay for sex with prostitutes. Okay well there we go. Is that what you're implying? I was just hoping. I'm on the bus of all places to imply that I go frequent. I'm the type that frequents massage parlours, am I? You're the one saying it out loud on a bus. I've said nothing. I just wanted to know how many massage parlours are.

You're the one who reveals too much for the sake of weak comedy. Do you want to know the names of them? What? There's Hairy Mango 1 and Mango 2 which isn't hairy but you've got to get this when he was giving those names to me

he looked me in the eye in this kind of I don't know way he's like is this working? help me that was the look

he was giving me this kind of help me here daddy come on stop that's an interesting truck of some sort bin truck

it's a truck for chopping It's a little refuse truck. Yeah, it's a truck for chopping up trees and shit. Oh, no, glass recycling. There's trees on top of that truck. Is this the content you think Cheap Show fans want to hear about? I don't know. The top of trucks. Let's do something about Rainbow.

I mean, they liked that, didn't they? We should have done. We missed a trick. We should have done a bit where you had to host a new episode of Rainbow and I would have played all the other characters who would I play? yourself like Eli

you'd be Jeffrey but you'd be Eli the new host of a new generation of Rainbow look at that great restaurant there looks good doesn't it

I thought we might get something out of this but apparently not so how far away are we now from where we're going? well we're probably about three minutes

more on the bus and then we have to walk up the hill so perhaps we where we're going? Well, we're probably about three minutes more on the bus, and then we have to walk up the hill. So perhaps we should... We're going to go past locations, Clankerman locations up the hill, and then we arrive in. So there's a little bit of a walk, unless you want to take another bus,

which is not worth it, because it's only ten minutes. But we get off here, and then just by the um north circular then we cross the north circular symbolically entering palmer's green don't you mean literally entering because how would we symbolically how do you symbolically enter an area without not having to be there on the piece of paper and then swallow it and then next tuesday you go hello and then next Tuesday you go, hello.

Sometimes, Eli, sometimes, Eli, it's fine to say, I don't know. Or I'm wrong. Have you ever said that before? I'm wrong and apologised to anyone, anytime, ever. Hairy mango.

No. Right, we'll join you in a bit. We're going into... Do you know the names of the chip shops? There's the chip place. Yeah, you did that last time. You know what? Forget it. No, we're not doing it because we're not going into... The chip shops. There's the chip place. Yeah, you did that last time. You know what? Forget it. No, we're not doing it because we're not going through your bad chip puns. There's more.

Ron's Chippy. It's not a pun, that one. And then there's Little Johnny Tuggers too. Little Johnny. Little Johnny Tuggers chip shop. Right, great. We'll see you in a little while. This is our stop, Tossall Hall Road. Oh, look, Eli, a bridge of water.

Which river is this? Well, I'm just looking on my map, but it's very much... Because you've got the massive northern arterial road or whatever, the North Circular, just there, which we just crossed. It's very much a zone of sort of boundaries do you get that feeling around here it's a sort of a boundary zone between the inner and the outer parts of the city so it's a trans it's a transference of one county to another well this is Middlesex we're

in now because we're on this bridge okay it says County of Middlesex which no longer exists it was swallowed by London when they did the rejigging of the boroughs in the 66. So Middlesex used to be a county, it was all in Middlesex but it just got swallowed up. So the sign says on this little bridge, it says, take notice that this bridge, which is a county bridge, is insufficient to carry weights beyond the ordinary traffic of the district and that the owners and persons in charge of locomotive traction engines and heavily laden carriages are warned against using the bridge for the passage of any such engines or carriages.

And that's Richard D Nicholson, clerk of the peace. Dickie D, we used to call him. Dickie D Nicholson. He'd come round here and he'd come on his horse and he'd go, hmm, Dickie D. Richardson. Awful. He's the Clark of the Peace. I know, I said that. I like the idea of, look who it is.

Why, it's the Clark of the Peace. It's got a ring, a sheriff ring to it. Do you want to know what this, it's not a river that we're in. It's a canal. It's a stream. It is Muswell Stream. So you'd think it's probably got its source in muswell hill or around those parts i don't know how it would because muswell hill is on a hill and there's

no water source i imagine unless it goes through does it go through and under no it can it can be the source can be at the top of the hill can't it springing out at the top of the hill then it runs down the hill rivers Rivers run down hills. This all sounds like anti-vax bullshit to me. The Muswell stream here is a concrete gulch, isn't it? It's nice though, all green algae down there. Now, coming up, Paul, up the hill a little bit, is where Clankerman was shot. Where we did the first and that bus stop there, do you see the next bus stop along? That's where Clankerman famously shot where we did the first and that bust up there do you see the next bust up along yeah that's where clankerman famously threw a book and it missed and he was trying to do

a bit of onto the roof yeah so we should take some pictures of you in the locations of where you did your short award-winning mantelpiece man has left a fleece take a picture take a picture eli of this evidence of clankerman's passing. Not like death I mean he went through the area. Oh there's a little there's a little river run ramp that's nice ramp over there but it look we have no access to us but why would you need access to it what would you do in there? There's another river up here the new river which we do have access to and I'll take you there just in a second. So let's get on our way. Come on, let's take a picture by that bus stop where Eli shot his shit film, and then we can...

Oh, it's just a low blow, Paul. It's not shit. It's fucking award winning, OK? So shut up. Yeah, but so what? The fucking Revenant got awards, and that's just a film about Leonardo DiCaprio in a fight with a bear. Doesn't he eat your fish at some point?

Yeah. I'd like to see that. Because he gets to wear a big coat and work within the elements, he gets a fucking Oscar. Honestly, just because you threw a book on a bus stop doesn't mean you... I didn't, though. Did I? I missed the bus stop.

Yeah, well... I'm going to take a picture of these. Right, he's going to take a picture of some dirty cushions in a corner of a parking space near some flats. This is the Cheap Show content you help support with patreon.com. Paul, I'm starting to feel a bit better. I've been a bit under the weather. Don't worry.

Look, there's where we shot the beginning. Yeah. Is that canal space then, that river space where you shot? That's the new river, which is a man-made river, made in like the 1700s, before they had the technology of locks, can you believe? Because it all had to run downhill or uphill or whatever. It winds down, so yeah, it all comes down from Hertfordshire

to supply drinking water to North London. Right, well, I've run out of interest in this area. Maybe you have too. So we'll join you back right before we go into our shops, because take a picture, here's the bus stop. I'm going to take a picture, alright. Pictures for this little walkabout will be on our website, thecheapshow.co.uk. Right, stand there while I take a picture of you, you bellend. Where are you going? Where's he going? What are you doing? What are you looking at? Just doing a little bit of research.

To back alleys? Yes. Why? Don't get the tone with me, yeah? We're being nice, all right? Shut up. Why? Why?

It was just weird because we were about to start and then you just walked off and started staring at a back alley and then you come back and say you're doing research. I'm not staring at a back alley. You're imp back and say you're doing research staring at staring at a back alley you were implying that i look at people's bum bums in public i wasn't i was saying you were looking at a alley that was around the back of a building that alley do you know what the name of that is it's very unimaginative what's the most unimaginative what is that alley what can you see going on in that alley is it frot splat alley you can see frot splatting happening can you yeah where on in that alley? Is it Frott Splat Alley? You can see Frott Splatting happening, can you? Yeah.

What is Frott Splatting? It's... Yeah? Yeah? It's... Cum. It's cum. Something to do with cum.

That is Trade Close, that's called. Because it's trade and it's a close. It's not like some dodgy dealer trying to be French. Like, oh, it's trade close. Hey, see what I did there? Trade. Have you got the dad joke dial on the back of your head turned up to 11? Yeah, but I am going to turn that down or off.

So we're all right. So here's the thing. Eli's now eaten. He's refreshed. I've had a little nosy woo, but we're all right so here's the thing eli's now eating he's refreshed uh i've had a little nosy woo but we're beginning our journey now and i forgot to mention as well each of us has a 10 pound budget yes all right so you've given me the 10 pound budget paul and we have to get three items here in palmer's green location for clank a man uh gone down there he did and three things a vinyl selection that could be anything an LP seven inch a 12 inch or an unusual format 10 inch is the other possibility one of those little kids

records which are five inch one of those and then let's tell them what Mikasa Sukasa is it was a segment of the show we used to do where we'd buy a nice gift for each other

Mikasa Sukasa and there's also the dark world the mirror world version of that Pikasa Pukasa and we'll be playing

that as well that's where we get the worst possible item all within a £10 budget now Paul I've got a little questions about the budget if I spend got a little question about the budget. If I spend only a little bit, do I have to give you the change?

No, you can spend that on sweets. Can I spend this change on sweets? Yeah. Do I score better if I can get them for cheaper? It is cheap show. Well, yeah, but there's no scoring. Three boxes of matches or something. No, I mean, put some imagination into it, but there's no scoring.

It's just going to be a nice exercise in getting back into the charity shop spirit of things. Well, once we're done, we can walk all the way up Trade Close from the other side and come out Trade Close. I'm not having you take me up your frot-splat alley. We're just not doing it. Are we ready? So, here's the deal. I'm ready to go, yes. We're going to set an alarm for half an hour.

We're going to meet back here in half an hour's time. Really? Half an hour? Really? Yeah, for the first bunch of shops. Then we can carry on for the second. Like a kind of half-time review. Sure.

All right. Okay, fine. Half an hour, half an hour. And we'll come back. What time is it now? It's about half three now. All right. And that will come back at four.

And we'll do a report so far. All right? All right, he's off. Bye. Bye. I'll do a little fucking hack piece about me as soon as I go. What a cunt he is. I won't.

You will. You fucking will. I don't like this. Bye. Cunt. See you in a bit. Oh, it's exciting. We're off to the charity shops.

Here we go. So here we are sitting by another river. The new river, did you say it's called? We're on the new river path in Palmer's Green, Paul. Yeah. The new river goes down um it was the man-made one we've mentioned but it was also the river that we sat by when we discussed the maynard's factory that's right same new river it goes through the whole of this part of london basically but this is a further north further north this is a stretch of it further north

it's all in little bits now since since modernization so you can't walk the length or stroke the length i can stroke the length don't you worry about that i've gird my loins yeah a very nice spot here but it's a bit besmirched with uh refuse the detritus of man there's refuseent detritus. And that spot just down there was where we shot the bit in Clankerman where the doll, he puts the doll in the river. Do you remember that bit? Where did you put the thing on the railing? Oh, that was the park that we didn't go through, the park that's further up, yes.

All round here it was. This is Clankerman country, boys and girls. Clankerman country. Do you know what struck me when I came up here? Because I was thinking, oh, yeah, it's where This is Clankerman country, boys and girls. It is, but do you know what struck me when I came up here? Because I was thinking, oh, yeah, it's where we did Clankerman. There is a lot of mattresses and stuff around here. Do you know, it is, seriously, it is Clankerman country. Yeah, it is.

But it is a lovely spot here. We've seen jackets, we've seen mattresses, pillows, bins. I saw a trolley. You saw a trolley. You can see a picture of the trolley um just by the entrance to this section of the new river path on our website paul yeah now now you may be wondering what's going on you were meant to be shopping and now you're here well we decided to get it all done and dusted then come for a lovely lovely little light snack by the riverside because

i don't know about you but i found the the offerings quite sparse in these shops it's obviously because this is the first time opening after lockdown. So they didn't have the time to stock fully. And they haven't been receiving donations either. True. If you think about it. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, maybe.

So it's all just sort of what they had whenever they were forced to shut down a few months ago. But I tell you what, I had two occurrences which got on my fucking tits. Oh, two occurrences, I was hoping. Any farting? No. First of all, there was an old man

wearing nothing but suede and, you know, that kind of ribbed suede jacket, you know, like, you know, that. But it was like everything is... Corduroy, thank you. It was corduroy pants and corduroy jacket

and a corduroy shirt. Maybe his suede would be on the arm patches or shoulder patches. Either way, he was an old man, he was dragging behind him um you know those two-wheel trolley that you have for your records yes but it's a bag shopping trolley essentially yeah but he's dragging yeah but he's dragging it around and i don't know what it was but he seemed incapable of realizing that

he was getting in other people's way and so like he was dragging it and it was bashing over people's feet and they were going excuse me and he would go I don't have to be courteous anymore. Yeah, and then he catches this dress with it and pulls the whole thing and it comes off the side. This is in the British Heart Foundation. Because it was quite cramped in there. Because they were just walking in. And the poor guy behind the counter was saying, just five, please.

And then these three people came in. And they were're like five only and the guy went there's just three of us mate and it was like yeah but that would make it eight and there were only five

there's just three of us mate oh god so then the old man pulls the thing and pulls the clothing and drags it and then looks behind sees the damage he's done

and just kind of waddles out everyone's going mate just fucking put it back. Anyway, as he goes out, crash, bang, wallop. He catches it on other things and drags it out on one wheel on its side. Are you joking?

No. So that pissed me off. And the second thing was there was one shop. I can't remember what it was now. I want to say Red Cross. But there wasn't much in there. But I was waiting outside for longer than I was inside. Yeah.

And the reason why I was waiting outside was because they only allowed three at one time. Yes. There was five in there but I was waiting outside for longer than I was inside and the reason why I was waiting outside was because they only allowed three at one time there was five in there and there's just one woman and I step in and the one behind the counter goes just

can you wait and I was like oh yeah they're fine alright no worries woman looked at me as she was just coming out saw I was just about to come in that I got kind of told off

stop look me in the eye and then turn back and started slowly looking through the clothing again as if to say you can wait you fucker and then she was the same woman who went to the counter bought a load of clothes and then once they bought them all then she went can I put them in a bag and they were like yeah you've got to pay for the bag separately now she goes what do you mean pay for a bag and he goes well so you're gonna have to pay 10p but i

don't have any change on me now and he was so there's a whole fuss and then just as she's leaving she goes wait wait wait and then started looking around the clothes again after she paid people just do one thing at a time all i wanted to do mate honestly i fantasized when i was in the curry place the other day and there was that guy in front of me, and he kept going, and I'll have one of those. And he was like, I'm really hungry, he kept saying. It's like, yeah, you're buying food. Who needs to know? Shut the fuck up.

That's what I have to say to everyone. So I didn't miss that about charity shops. You know, people. I had quite a decent time. There was some slow-moving elderly folk, but I was patient patient and I lay back and I waited for them to finish, Paul. Weren't too many queues, were there?

Did you like the Red Cross book specialist Red Cross shop? I did. I didn't give it too much of my time and attention, but there were some things in there I was like, oh, that was nice. I like a big bookshop like that. Yeah, it's really good. You've got to know where to look. They've got shelves underneath. For example, if you're into noir and crime writing, like, oh, that was nice. I like a big bookshop like that. Yeah, it's really good. You've got to know where to look.

They've got shelves underneath. For example, if you're into noir and crime writing, as I am, I like the sort of older stuff. I don't like the big doorstop novels that you get these days. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

In that genre. But what they do in that shop is like the really good shit from the 70s and before, they think no one wants to buy that stuff because everyone wants the latest blockbuster sort of stuff. So they put the latest blockbuster stuff out

on the shelves but on these special sort of trays underneath, that's where they got the really good shit so you need to know, I came in there everyone was sort of like get straight to the good shit, you know what I mean, I'm getting out and I sort of sensed this sort of feeling from other patrons, like what does he know

do you know what I mean, like what does he know yeah, basically so I did have a good time and uh it wasn't too crowded people were reasonably behaved there weren't too many queues trying to get in it was you know about standard as it was the last time the shops were open i tend to find and what do you think if if there was a better stock would you think it's a nice area to go charity shop shopping or i mean there are a fair few what there's like six altogether maybe seven there's a good there's good there's a good amount and you've got calves as well in case you want a coffee yeah you've got the new river down here yeah that's true it's not bad but palmer's green isn't the most exciting place in the world but

it's nice to explore new charity shops because you don't know because they know they rotate the stock so if it doesn't sell in like a red heart red cross heart whatever shop then they'll move it to one a few streets over or a new town over oh right yes but i also know that oxfam actually sells to other charities the stuff that they don't want to carry because it's too old or too damaged or whatever yeah there's a whole sort of um filtering sort of hierarchical food chain it ends up in i don't know in like the worst charity you know the hospice what did you think of the hospice because we know we mentioned that north london hospice the most disappointing is disappointing for me this week it was usually

you're right it's a hot spot it can be extremely funky can't it like i got something for you that you may already have that's fine um but i had to sort of haggle on the price um yes quite a nice nice thing there were many things i thought i could get you but there's also many things i thought you've already got in some respects so again it wasn't so much it was poor choice so much as for the sake of today there was nothing that leapt out and went oh that's interesting get that yeah but when we go back to the house of pickles we will be going through our items there and then right now though it's going to take a little break we're going to the House of Pickles, we will be going through our items there and then. Right now, though, we're just going to take a little break. We're going to have a couple of snacky bars in a minute. We need to broadcast this.

These are snacky bars. Yeah, we are. We're going to do that in a minute, are we? Yeah, just going to take a quick break before we get to there. Is that all right? Yeah, that's all right. I just thought we'd do a little bit of an update now as to why we're here and what we've done. Some really interesting snacks for you, the confectionery lovers out there.

Been missing the froth shop segment. This is little impromptu outdoor froth shop frottage. Frottage lab. Get off.

Frottage lab. Stop leaning in. Get it in on the frottage lab. Stop leaning in. It's more of a frottette. It's a frottette.

You can get out. I'm very wondrous about how you... Oh, look a bumblebee. Sorry out I'm very wondrous about how you oh look a bumblebee sorry I'm getting distracted by nature you are look at that fucker

yeah he's a big fat bumblebee right down there I like bumblebees but how do they fly oh look there's a moorhen sitting on a raft

of detritus alright well obviously we've lost Eli now to the sights and sounds of nature so we'll be back in a little while bear with us till then

ok Paul now you've been out you've been out of Ost Eli now to the sights and sounds of nature so we'll be back in a little while, bear with us till then OK Paul, now you've been out, you've been out for a little shop you think, oh the shops are reopening oh what can I do, oh I can get that coat I've needed Jimmy needs a coat as well maybe I can get two coats, and then what do you think? Is this Jimmy who strokes himself

off in that shop that you said strokes himself off Jimmy's shop that you said? Strokes himself off. Jimmy's. Johnny Tug Farm. Yeah, Johnny's Tug Farm. Whatever it was we said. Not Jimmy. It's Johnny's Tug.

Tuggy chips. Wank factory. Either way. Answer my question. Yes, I would like. I didn't know what you said. I'll be honest. You've been shopping.

You've got a coat maybe. Looked at some books. Then you think, ooh. Grumble, grumble, grumble. Grumble. What is it that's grumbling, Paul? I have a thirst for chocolate or a snack. Here we go.

So Eli has got some lovely snacks for us to try today. And where did you get these from? The corner shop. I think it's Kahn's, around the corner from me, towards Florentia Clothing Village, which we've been up to. You know, it's a shop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they just seem to have

a better than ordinary selection of chocolates including lots of American stuff including these two Kit Kats special Kit Kats now these aren't like

the Japanese Kit Kats that we tasted which were varyingly nice some of them others weirdly disgusting they're an interesting adventure through the chocolate flavouring world

of of of chocolate oh fuck you know when your brain just abandons you others weirdly disgusting. They're an interesting adventure through the chocolate flavouring world of... of... of... Oh, fuck. You know when your brain just abandons you right in the middle of a sentence and you think,

come on, brain, and you go, oh, the brain's gone. It's outside. It's outside. You're just saying about Kit Kats. Just say some general background stuff about Kit Kats and then let's eat this.

All right, well, Kit Kats are a four-fingered chocolate bar, sometimes two-fingered, popular in Japan for all their wacky flavors and now America getting on it on board that crazy flavor train with whatever Eli's got right now the first of these crazy I think these are called Kit Kat duos so that the idea the gimmick Paul is that they mix two flavors at once two duos yes this is mint plus dark chocolate. And I've had this before, and I have to say, it's banging. So you like the duo, and the other one he's got here is Kit Kat duo. They're both duos.

That's what I'm trying to say. The gimmick is duo. You don't pick up on anything. Your brain has gone. You look very old now all of a sudden, Paul. You know that? Get it together, mate. These are called Kit Kits.

I'm done with this fucking podcast. Don't fake walk out here. this podcast don't fake walk out I've ruined a fake walk out bye everyone I'm quitting cheap show because Eli got anarchy about Kit Kats come back

that was the straw that broke the camel's back come back all I was going to say was the other flavour you've got is mocha and chocolate yes

the two the duo there is mocha and chocolate yes what's mo duo there is mocha and chocolate yes what's mocha i thought mocha was chocolate i thought that was the whole thing i thought mocha coffee was a coffee with chocolate so the mocha bit is what makes it i thought that was the name of the combination anyway mocha cream it says coffee it's coffee and chocolate coffee chocolate which is a which doesn't really always go together, if you ask me.

Some people swear by it, though, don't they? They love it. I bet they do. I bet they say, what the bloody hell's this shit? I love that gag. Now, I'm saying, what do you think of mint? You don't like mint. No, I like mint chocolate. Well, get your gummage around this duo, this Kit Kat. Open it up then. Give me your finger. Look at the aesthetic delight of this Kit Kat.

The green of it. It's a bit, I don't know, it's a bit kind of snot green. It's a bit snot green for my liking, but it's green. It's an icy mint green. There you go. Here's a finger. I can't wait to try it. Here we go.

Oh, mate. Yeah. Yeah, mate. Yeah. Yeah, I know. It's like, you know what it reminds me of? What? The minutes. Those little sticks. What, those sticks?

Oh, yeah, matchmakers. Matchmakers. Tastes like a matchmaker, doesn't it? But like a Kit Kat version. Do you know what? If it was just the chocolate, this would be vile. And the wafer helps considerably on the flavour front. It's a well-balanced confection, isn't it? Yeah. Everything, there's

amplitude. Everything is working together in balance. Don't you think? That's nice. Yeah, I like that. How do you like? Seven out of ten. Right, let's try these mocha ones. And I promise I won't mocha the flavour of these. Again, they've really gone for the aesthetic look. This has a sort of...

Oh, you sniffed. Can you smell that? The coffee off it? Yeah, but it was very strong. I smelled it from here. As soon as I opened it, you sniffed. Can you smell that? The coffee off it? Yeah, but it was very strong. I smelled it from here. As soon as I opened it, you got a little... As soon as you whipped it open. A huff package air came out,

huffing at you. A huff escape. A huff escape. Look at the... These are beautiful. David Hufflehoff. My name is David Hufflehoff. Oh, no.

Why can't I? And I'm the king of huffs. You always give me a huge lecture about not doing characters before we start, and then you make them up. We had Alan Twat two weeks ago, and this is what? It's Alan, is it? No, it's David Hufflehoff. Hasslehoff.

David Hasslehoff, the king of smell. And he drives around in a car called the... The Hofflam... Called KIT, which stands for kit kat kit kat investigation the taste shut up shut up right two words i have yeah marjorie craddock marjorie motherfucking craddock and her back alley emporium of extraordinary machines, Paul. It writes itself, this stuff, yeah? It writes itself.

And she also, I've decided, has an assistant called Morgan. Morgan is like a big, tall assistant, and he doesn't speak much. No, doesn't he? And he's a bit slow. He's not slow, he's just silent. Don't fucking... You haven't even met him. It sounds very squishy gym-like. That's all I'm going to say.

Very squishy gym-like. Right, give me your finger. This is the mocha and chocolate. I'm already ahead of you. Shut up. I don't like it. I just don't like that. Flavour combo.

No, I'm the same. I was expecting worse and that's actually fine. That's still dunkable in a cup of tea, that. Yeah, they're nice quality, the Kit Kat. I'm going to give that five out of ten. What do you say, David Hasselhoff? Well, I give it five out of ten, too.

Five out of ten, too? What's your name? David Hasselhoff. Is that your name? Oh, yeah. I'm David Hasselhoff. This is for me and Paul. Fuck off. I'll get in my car, Kit. The Kit Kat Investigation.

The Taste Car. Woof, woof. Woof, woof. Hello. Hello, Michael. I'm your car. Do you want to get in me and drive and have an adventure? I'd love that.

Thank you. Let's go, let's go What's next on the chocolate bits? There go some characters none of us will ever see again Or think of They're quite poetic the way they're just bereft of content They're like bubbles, they float, they look beautiful and then they pop Like Margaret Twix cookies and cream flavor so unusual isn't it what twix is

in case people twix is a like a duo it's like a pairing of biscuits it's a pairing of two wafers it's a paired biscuit chocolate wafer biscuit pair yeah two fingers famous i'm not a huge fan of kick uh twix by and large. As I've gotten older, I've found the taste a little bit grating. See what you think of these, because this is a special Twix. Cookies and cream. Cookies and cream. Cookies and cream.

Here we go. Oh, look at that. It looks like an Oreo on the inside. That works. And still remains Kit Kat-y. Twix-y, yeah, you're right. It's still got that thing about twix you don't like

sort of a thinness yeah there is a thinness to twix that I don't know where that is whether it's the chocolate that I don't like the flavour of or the

what's it got in it the caramelly this is fine it's nice actually one last thing to taste Paul one last thing

one last twix and then we're done. We'll head back to give each other our little... Precies. Casa si ma casa. I mean, su casa mi casa. And pu casa pi pi casa. Pi pi hole smelly hole.

Pi pi smelly bum hole casa. Just say a normal fucking sentence. You are allowed. Why is this for a normal sentence? Here we go. Let's do a test sentence, yeah? Is this normal? This sentence I'm about to say yeah? No. Oh you don't want to know what's going through my mind mate. It's like a wild guess.

You don't want it that's too hot for TV man I tell you. Now the last Twix we're... oh it's coming back. No it's coming, it's coming around here. Creamy peanut butter, Paul, is the last Twix we're trying. Right, can we go halves on that one? Because I found the last one a bit too much. Sure, there you go, I've broken it in half. Right, good. Oh look, oh it's got like a honeycomb. It looks consistent all the way through. We're having a bite. Oh God. Didn't like that one. It's fine. But it kind of tastes like... Kind of tastes like sick.

I can't explain it. There's something about the peanut butter and the wafer Paul. Which ever so slightly reminds me of, like, bile. Yeah. OK, he didn't like that one. So, Paul, which was your favourite of the four chocolate confectionery bars that we've tried today?

Just a little reminder, we had the Kit Kat Duo Peppermint and Dark Chocolate, the Kit Kat Duo Mocha and Chocolate, we had the Twix Cookies and Cream, and the Twix creamy peanut butter. You know what, I'll be honest, we started with the best and worked our way to the worst in that order. Easily, easily.

And I think the mint and chocolate was a surprise and a delight. Bloody nice, I would get that. Yeah. And it looks great. You should take a picture as well Paul of the actual bar. Yeah, well save until we get back and I'll take pictures. Yeah yeah well there you go no thank you that was a lovely little now we feel rejuvenated for our journey yeah we're gonna go along this section of the new river path yeah um and see if we can get back onto the main drag where we got off the bus that's where we need to

get the bus paul because we're not actually we're in the interzone you're here you know we're in the end end end quarters. God, that man's taken forever to walk that small way round the path. And then that man's following him. I want to be taken to a little cubbyhole by a man who I've met online called...

Charlie. How do you do it? Would it all be like cold, oily lube? Like... Pale, lubey flesh. I'd find a nice alleyway for us to go. Not too wet, oily lube. Like, eesh, eesh, eesh. Pale, lubey flesh. I'd find a nice alleyway for us to go. Not too wet, not too stinky. Few dog eggs, not too many.

And then, you know what? I'm going to end this section. You're such a dick. You're really fooling us. I don't really want to go into... I don't really want to share my personal peccadillo to people up front like this. I think that's for me and the person i pay five pound two in an alleyway

just stop oh we're we're now back in a our usual area we're back at at Haringey Green Lanes just by St Anne's Road. There's an ice cream maker there. And we found another charity shop. This is... Well, this is our old favourite, isn't it? This is a human... A relief foundation.

Yeah, I did. A hand relief foundation. Shut up. How dare you make that joke before me? I want to have a little look in here, Paul. I agree. I think we should have a little look in. Let's have a little look in.

Let's have a keep secret. Is it closed? Closed. Sickest witch what's that? It's a game. Look they've got some glasses and stuff. Why is this, it's closed and it is the most enticing of all the charity shops we've seen so far isn't it? Timing is everything mate, timing is everything. There's a nice tripod there as well. You can never have enough tripods. Shall I get that tripod for you? If it's about a fiver, yeah, but if not don't worry about it. Now Eli, I have to say, the bus journey home was interesting for me for two reasons. One, okay, there's one reason. One, you stunk of shit, you stunk of dog shit, because you stood in it

and all I could smell was the pungent mix of your loose marijuana in your bag and the dog shit. So it was kind of a weird mix. Don't talk to me about loose marijuana. I don't even know what you mean by that. I just mean it's not particularly packed very well to hide the stench on a bus. And when you couple that with the pungent... That wasn't mine.

That must have been someone else. No, it was you. I haven't even told him about... Anyway, on the way back from the riverbank, I stood in a big, wet, dark brown poo. And I was wiping it on the grass, but, you know, obviously... Good luck, that.

It's ingrained. And then we got off the New River and we're walking down the street to try and get back to the bus stop and there's a dead rat with its stomach ripped open. And I'm just like, oh, I've got shit on my shoe. There's a dead rat. Everything's decay and death and shit. And then we saw another rat have a fight with some pigeons

for some food in a park, didn't we? Yeah. I just want to get in. Yeah, let's get back in. We've had a day out smeared and ruined by the grottiness. How am I going to clean my fucking shoe? Leave them outside and then basically

run them under a hot tap long after I've left your flat. What? Right, we're heading back to the House of Pickles. Do you know who we need to grab before we go in? I can't think of anything. Do you need anything? No. No? After I've left your flat. Right, we're heading back to the House of Pickles now. Do you think we need to grab before we go in? I can't think of anything. Do you need anything? No.

No? I can't think of anything else we need. I think you're all right, unless you need tea bags, milk. Nothing like that. We've got... Oh, you do smell of shit, mate. Fuck me. Don't stand next to me. Shut your mouth. You're trying to egg this on, aren't you? No, you're egging

it on with that dog egg. Don't cross the road as a truck. That's twice now I've had to save your life. You see how dispassionate and not bothered I was about the turnout as well? If he gets it by a truck, whatever. Oh, come on. Stop being so nihilistic. And also, you don't... I don't stink of shit. You do. I can smell it right now. You're imagining that. I am not imagining the roast bird. Who's got the best huff on them? Who's got the best huff hunker on them

who can pick up even the smallest grains in the airflow of the huff stream? Yeah, but here's the thing. I'm David Hasselhoff and I can smell your dog shit foot. Listen, I don't know the thing. I'm David Hasselhoff and I can smell your dog shit foot. Listen, I don't know why you keep going on

about Hasselhoff. I've already told you you can play Morgan, the assistant. Look at that. A completely frozen out fridge. It's still got the ice in it. Oh, that's darkening me out.

Take a picture. Take a picture of this impossible fridge because that looks like that. See, the ice has bent out the shape of the freezer. Weird. picture take a picture of this this impossible fridge because that looks like that's see the ice has bent out the shape of the freezer weird no it's just been dumped hasn't it with but yeah without defrosting it yeah christ you know what all all things considered i've come back from this walk feeling dirty i know so have i i've come back feeling proper grotty

everything's dirty and messy. Hopefully... Oh, look, someone's drawn a prick in spilled ice cream. Someone has literally... Taken the effort to draw a cock and balls with what could be ice cream or milk. No, that is definitely cock and ball milk. What's going on?

Someone's made London dirty today. Let's just get inside, have a nice cup of tea or something, and then just have some nice gifts and some items. Some fucking civility. I never thought I'd see the day where we have to bring civility to fucking dirty, dirty London. Oh, God. Everything feels grotty like my mouth. I know, it really does, doesn't it? You know what it feels like?

My mouth's touched some kind of unfamiliar fluff. Furry fluff or something. Or like having sticky hands in the morning, you know, when you have sticky hands. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or when you hold a banister and there's something on the banister, you don't know what it is and then it's on your hand. And it smells like cat food, yo. It's that kind of thing, isn't it? Right, let's get into the house of pickles. Here we go.

Where are my keys? Oh, fuck it. Right, we're in the house of mash. Peas and mash. What, ham and eggs? Ham and eggs. The house of ham... The room of ham and eggs. The mansion of meat.

Not green ham and eggs, though, because that's been cancelled. No, it hasn't been cancelled. I've cancelled it. I'll cancel you in a minute. Will, how will you? By wanking me off into your mouth? Hard!

Hello, everybody. I've got a new character Marjorie Craddock he may have picked up on her she has several Emporia machines I'd like to keep this segment

reasonably concise in various back passages and by that I don't mean arseholes of men no I mean arcades don't need to get that close you've been there

there there with your shit character shut up you shit twat fuck off here we. You've been there, there, there with your shit characters. Shut up, you shit twat. Fuck off. Here we go. You've been all nice a second ago. Yeah, but you've started going on

about fucking Margaret again. You've got this weird compulsion to just open your mouth and let characters fall out that you're far more into than anyone else. What about David Hoff and stuff

or whatever he's called? David Hasselhoff. You've said that numerous times before as well. No, I haven't. This is the first time he's called. David Hasselhoff. You've said that numerous times before as well. No, I haven't. This is the first time he's new. Someone find the episode when he first did the David Hasselhoff joke. Congratulations, it's

today. No, it's fucking not. Anyway, can we just have a level playing ground now for a second? Yes, we'll have a laying playing ground. Oh, laying playing ground. Yeah, laying playing ground. We're going to lay out the lay of the laying playing ground. I'll lay out the lay of the land out. Do you know what? Talk about mixed metaphors.

Yeah. How's this one for good? At least talk towards the mic. That helps. What's it? You've got the thin edge of the wedge, and then what are you going to... I've blown the goose. Slippery end of the wedge.

Slippery. That was yours, wasn't it? No. I've never said that. Right. That's good, though, isn't it? Now it's time. I've lost it.

You've taken the slippery end of the wedge and you've rammed it right up your arse whilst I've come in your mouth, hand-jobbing me, cupping. Fuck me. Jesus. No, we've been for a lovely walk, Paul. We're back in the house of mash.

I might be slightly feverish. That might be what's coming through here. No, you're just an untalented stain. Right, so we bought a few things and now it's time from our charity shop, Jaunt, to have a little show and tell.

Now, let's have a little reminder of what the rules were. We may have broken them, we may have not been able to follow the rules to the letter. But let's remind everyone,

the listener, what were the three things, the three things, Paul, that we were supposed to have done. Well, we had to find a vinyl selection, we had to find a vinyl selection. We had to find a Mikasa Tsukasa, which is something

that we think the other person would like. A gift. And then a Pikasa Pukasa, something that we think the other person would not like. Now, I have attained all three said items. Well, none of us have failed then. No, we haven't. I didn't say we have. He kept panic texting me, everyone. I just... Going, oh, there's nothing here.

Meet me in half an hour. Don't know what to had. He kept panic texting me, everyone. Going, oh, there's nothing here. Meet me in half an hour. Don't know what to do. He doesn't know what to do with himself. I was just saying. I think he felt quite intimidated. Sorry. You can't even keep your face straight saying that. So let's start with the records, actually.

Get them out of the way. Because we have just had a little listen to them. So what was your choice then? Now, I couldn't find anything that was really like a Silverman's Platter. An Outstanding. Because we like to look at things that are novelty, children's records. TV themes, soundtracks. Or ephemera, you know, flexi discs that are on the cover of old motoring mags.

That type of thing. I couldn't find anything. I think it was like that. Audio bric-a-brac. Miscellaneous exotica, you could call it. Yeah, or like that. That's our style on the show. But I do also like to collect music on vinyl just for myself.

Yeah. So I ended up doing this, basically. Which is fine. Picking a couple of things that I thought were interesting. Because I'd seen a few things, but as it turned out, those few things were things you already had or we'd covered. So there wasn't too much new. Yes, there was one record we both noticed.

BBC Music Children in, what was it called? Children Talking, I think. Children Talking, yeah. They just got strange men to go up to kids and ask them really weird questions. Do you want to be rich? Yeah, I'd love to be rich. What would you do? I'd buy a huge cake.

I'd buy a football team and the team would be Walthamstow International. Walthamstow International? Yes. They're my favourite team. And what would the mascot for the team be? A wiggly worm. Okay, and what would the worm? A W team be? A wiggly worm. Okay, and what would the worm... A more than so wiggly worm.

Yes, and how big is the worm? Could you toss the worm off into my mouth? He's just a small worm at the beginning, but then when they win a match, he gets bigger and bigger, and then he's sick in the ref's face right at the end. You're not really five, are you? I'd better get out of here.

All right, thanks, Paul. Now, what I picked up was Paul Kantner, Grace Slick, and David Freiberg, and an LP, Baron von Tolbooth and the Chrome Nun. So that's the name of the album, Baron von Tolbooth and the Nun. The Chrome Nun. Chrome Nun. Can you imagine the name of the album. Baron von Tolbooth and the Nun. Chrome Nun. Chrome Nun.

Can you imagine a Chrome Nun? Yeah. I can. It's a nun that's made of chrome. It's a sex nun, isn't it? No, it's not. It definitely is. If it's chrome, it's sex.

It's a sexy chrome sex nun. You have got something wrong with you today. All right, so just chillax, man. Now, you may recognise those names because they are all members of the West Coast Psychedelic Group. Yeah. Psychedelic Rock Group. Yeah. Jefferson Airplane.

And they were famous for, what's that song? White Rabbit. And also, You Want Somebody To Love. Oh, yeah. Which has an interesting connection to the next song I'm going to be playing. In fact, there's a weird through line. I know, and everything. Weirdly on what we've done today.

Yeah, strange. Anyway, so White Rabbit was using metaphors from Alice in Wonderland to talk about LSD, of course. And Want Somebody to Love was just a good pop song, really, wasn't it? It was a great pop song. And Madonna did it in an Austinin powers movie is that right no she did a beautiful stranger for austin powers 2 so when did she do do you want somebody to love you are thinking of jim carrey's version from the film the cable guy no i'm not where he sings no madonna also did it that's why it's very popular now, even with younger audiences.

There's a Madonna version. No, she did Ray of Light as well. Yes, these are all Madonna songs. She's done several songs. She did a cover of... You want somebody... Did she? No, I don't think she ever did. Oh, we need to find out.

Jim Carrey did. What's that song called? It's called I Don't Give a Fuck, Let's Move On. Do you want somebody to love? Madonna. Here are some somebody to love? Madonna. Here are some details. Jim Carrey. Oh, what's that?

Paul got a correct fact. Is that why it's so popular? Because it was featured in that film briefly. I'm totally wrong. It's the Mandela effect. And it was us. I've split off from a different universe in which Madonna did that song. She did American Pie, didn't she? Anyway, maybe that's what I'm thinking.

Yeah, she did. Like I've just fucking said. What a waste of audio time. You didn't say American Pie. You said Ray of Light. I did. And I said American Pie. Well. Or American Light. No. Or American Boy. You didn't say anything. Or American Woman. You'd stop trying to stop taking the fucking high ground here.

I know you want to just stop doing the podcast today and go home. No, it's not. You've been in such a bad mood. We've got a lot to get through. And I'd just like to, you know, not go on tangents that involve you asking Madonna-based pop song questions. Okay, fine. You know, we've got...

I'm ready to move on. Right, good. They are the members. Yes. And then they became then Jefferson Airship, then Jefferson... Starship. And then eventually just Starship.

Nothing's going to stop us now. That's the Starship ship. That's the buggers. So this seems like a little bit of a travelling Will DeVries thing, where it's like there's Pointer Sisters in here as well, and Jefferson Airplane, and what was the other one?

Jerry Garcia of the Grateful Dead. Yeah. Who are obviously the other massive sort of West Coast band. Yes. And also David Cosby. Of course. From Stills and Nash. Yes.

Who get another West Coast. So it's like a West Coast super group sort of thing. And the Pointer Sisters. We listened to most of it, didn't we? We gave it a good old British try. I like the one. There's one which has a drum break at the beginning which has been sampled by everyone hey i tell you what let's put that drum beat in right

now in the first few seconds of the song how about that sure here we go Thank you. And what song is that? That's Flowers of the Night. Yes, the alcoholics have sampled it. Fatboy Slim. Kendrick Lamar recently. It's just one of those beats. And finally, when you were looking it up, this album, one of the genres it's listed is proto-hip-hop.

And it's just like, that's a weird algorithmic thing because no one would describe it as proto-hip-hop. All it means is someone sampled a beat off it. Do you know what I mean? And you were saying by that logic, Strawberry Fields Forever could be a proto-hip-hop song. I think it probably is. Maybe.

But it just means what? Some kind of discordant drum beat or whatever it is. It's not discordant. It's the drums by themselves, as you just heard. Yeah. Okay, so that was the first one I got. Not a bad album, but we both thought that the production was,

that all the vocals are very drowned out by the sort of murky guitars and stuff. It does seem like it's more of a soundscape-y kind of thing. The thing is, it's what you listen to at two in the morning when you're stoned off your fucking tits kind of album. The psychedelic elements, I think, are what work best on it. The distorted guitar and the sort of, you know. But as I say, it feels too languid as a whole for an album. No hooks,

you said. No. We both agree. And the other record I bought, Super Success Salsa on the Farnia label. Super Success Salsa. Which is a compilation

of salsa stuff, Latin music. Farnia were a big Latin label, I think, in New York. Yeah. Along with Salsol. Yeah.

And did you know Salsa was kind of invented as a genre and it includes all sorts of stuff it just was what a load of facts that was

encompassing in all encompassing terms all sort of Latin based dance music so it covered all sorts of stuff but this has

what came first Salsa the sauce or Salsa the dance the sauce well there you go I win but this has some absolute classics came first? Salsa the sauce or salsa the dance? The sauce. Well, there you go. I win. But this has some absolute classics on it, like Ray Barreto, the soul drummers,

and a version of Santana's Oyo Como Va. Oyo Como Va. Are we going to play a little bit of either of those? Let's put a little bit in right now, but I'll only put it in if you send it to me. Are you going to put Ray Barreto in, yeah? No, we'll just put one in. Pick one right now, and that's the one you will send to me are you going to put Ray Barreto in you no we'll just put one in pick one right now and that's the one

you will send to me oyo como va oyo como va Mi ritmo bueno pa' goza. Burata. Oye, cómo va? Mi ritmo bueno pa' goza. Burata. Yeah, all right. Made famous by other people. So my choice now, yeah?

Yeah, that's fine. Hang on, first one is a platter, but one of those platters where I'm a bit indifferent, but I'm not definitely going to call it a splatter kind of platter. Oh, what, you're giving these a review? Yeah, they both get a platter, but only because they're not awful. No, not awful, and yeah.

Well, you know, I'm quite pleased with those. So, weirdly, moving on from Jim Carrey and salsa music, we're now moving on to Jim Carrey and Salsa Music, because the one I got... Salsa is pushing it. Pushing it. But the one I got was a 12-inch version of Scene Scene Music Factory's and Jim Carrey's

take on Cuban Pete from the film The Mask, and it's not good. it's very bad it's really okay so the four minute version the single version

ain't great but the 12 inch is a seven minute version is deeply fucking annoying yeah and that little bit

where it's like it's just interminable it's the music equivalent of someone jabbing you in the arm for your attention really bad. Here's a little clip of it so we can move the fuck on.

If you like the beat, take a lesson from Cuban Beat. And I'll teach you to chick, chicky boom, chick, chicky boom, chick, chicky boom. Ah-ha! And And this 12-inch definitely designed for DJs because there are little vocal samples right at the end on the second side. There's about six of Kerry's quips from the film. Smoking! Yeah, that's it.

Smoking! Somebody stop me! So they're definitely spaced out for a DJ to be able to scratch them. And that's the thing. It's a weird... It's not like

many 12 inches I've listened before where it's like usually it's repetitive for those 12 minutes but this one seems to have like movements. You know what I mean?

Where here's a wobbly bit, here's a beaty bit, here's a samply bit. And it's like maybe you choose a bit of it to play and sample. What year is The Mask? 96? No, much earlier. It's's like, maybe you choose a bit of it to play in sample. What year is the mask?

96? No, much earlier. It's like 92, 93, something like that. And when do you think Mambo No. 5 by Louis Vega was? A little bit later. That was more like... Around that time, there was a lot of pastiche Mambo dance around, wasn't there? Yeah, it was a thing.

Like Macarena. Yeah. But the Mambo No. 5 came, I want to say like 97, 98, that though? Was it much later? Yeah. But the Mambo No. 5 came, I want to say like 97, 98, that though? Was it much later? Yeah. But there was a current moving through cheesy dance in the 90s, wasn't it? A sort of Mambo sort of... Well, here's the thing.

The 90s recycled everything. But that was one of the particular sort of sub-currents, wasn't it? Yeah, but it was like everything got to go. Line dancing, country music. Yes. Blah, blah, blah. The 80s revival, the 70s the 70s well i think that it's more pervasive the sort of mambo thing was a bit more pervasive for a few years there for me the

90s is mostly defined by bad 90s versions of uh 70s disco hits you remember when like who was that fighting yeah that was re-released with a dancey mix and there was also like and a rap do you remember yeah kung fu all over the place yeah it was like that yeah that's exactly what it was like come on now

I'll kick you in I've done a two and I'm going to go out remember there was a Bee Gees one as well that was remixed don't don't don't doodle it up

tragedy don't don't don't don't don't try and do the bass line no because now I'm doing like Walk This Way yeah you were doing

Walk This Way then no hang on. What was the Bee Gees one? Doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom. When you can tell by the way I use my walk. No, it was the other one. I'm a woman's man. Night Fever.

Night Fever, Night Fever. Doesn't matter. I'm going to move on. I'm going to interrupt myself and say stop. Let's move on to the real meat of this now, which is... Ooh. The Mikasa, Pukasa, S is... The Mikasa Pukasa Sikasa Mikasa Pikasa.

So, Paul. Yes. Do you want to give me a present first? I'll tell you what. I'm going to start with the Pukasa, the P-Pukasa, because I thought I'd like to end with a nice thing. Okay, that's good. Let's do our Pukasas. So here is my Pukasa to you, Mr. Silverman.

Now, this is supposed to be bad. It's meant to be something that you would not like to have in your flat I can already see I don't like it here we go it costs £1.50

oh not another one of these oh my god I hate this you're good at this you're good at this this is a tin sign yeah

in the sort of shape of a license plate license plate and it says on it man cave I hate that term this is a sad gift yeah for a fucking dad In the sort of shape of a... Like a licence plate. Licence plate. And it says on it, Man Cave. I hate that term. This is a sad gift for a fucking dad in the home counties.

He's got a shed. You know what I mean? And in his shed is where he keeps his model airplanes and his pornography. It's not for me. No, I know. Man Cave. I don't need an excuse to fucking have stuff in my room. It's my fucking room.

It's not a match. You know what I mean? Fuck off. So I was successful then with that. That's my fucking room. It's not a match. Do you know what I mean? Fuck off. So I was successful then with that. That's terrible. I hate that. Look at everything about it. I love this.

The horrible sort of 90s Starbucks weathered look of the sort of design. Yeah, that's it. It's got a stained painted. Sort of slightly nautical. Yeah. You know what I mean? Slightly fucking would-be hipster. God, I hate this thing.

It's the kind of thing you'd see on, like, a fish shack. And a totally inappropriate shoelace that they've used. As a dangle. As a dangle. As a... Hold it. As a holder. God, that's awful.

And you paid one pound. You only paid a quid for it. I know. But there you go. There's my Poo-Casser. Now, Eli, what's your Pee-Casser? What's your Poo? Can I just say, I'm happy's your Pee-Casa? What's your Poo? Can I just say, I'm happy with this because it was awful and I thought you'd hate this.

In itself, it's not a horrible thing, but I knew you'd hate it. Okay, Poo-Casa. Yeah. I've got two things. Right. All right? Yeah. They were cheap, all right?

Yeah, cool. Firstly, you like a drink, don't you? Yeah. Here you go. You can have a drink out of that oh it's a Union Jack shot glass

what shit is that it's so shit yeah so that's pretty bad isn't it not as bad as your one in that it got to you but you hate that

don't you I don't like stuff like that drinking vessels it's weird and just to back that up because you want to be seen with that

you want to think people think you're hard you're pretty hard because you have that no one wants to start that up because you want to be seen with that you want to think people think you're hard you're pretty hard because you're a hard man no one wants to start with you no you need fake wound tattoos

that's exactly what I need two packs you get two packs I don't want two packs I want puff daddies no turn the dad down so I've got some stitches

I've got the man cave fucking sign you don't I get to do the dad jokes tattoos yeah I've got stitches metal stitches they're all stitches and there cave fucking sign. You don't... I get to do the dad jokes. Tattoos, yeah. I've got stitches, metal stitches.

They're all stitches. And there's a nail in you. You can have a nail in you. That's funny, isn't it? What a horrible piece of shit. Thank you. I don't like it. I know you wouldn't like it.

Yeah, I don't. How to remove tattoo. Pour scalding hot water on your face. It doesn't say that. No, it just says alcohol or baby oil. Remove it. Now.

It's one of those water ones. You know where you rub it on and it doesn't really stick? Paul, just for fun. Yeah. I also got this. Talk to the mic. I also got this.

Oh, it's one of those tomato ketchup squeezy bottles that's shaped like a tomato. Do you like it? Yeah, I do like it. You can, listen, that's a little bonus. Is it? I thought that would be something you'd like to keep. Because I do like it. Listen, that's a little bonus.

Is it? I thought that would be something you'd like to keep. Because I don't want to take it home. I like it, but I don't want it. Because there's something different. You don't actually want to use it? No. All right, I'll use it, I guess. Yeah.

All right. That's good. That's three reasons. It looks like a tomato, everyone. Have you explained that? Yeah. It's a ketchup holder that looks like a tomato. Yeah.

With a green thing on there. Yeah. You can pretend you're in a caf or something. Yeah, we could do it right now. All right, you put it there and I'll come and get your order. Yeah, all right. I'll be... All right.

What do you like? Oh, can I just get a number five breakfast, please? A number five? Yeah. That's it. Fuck off. Make my breakfast. I want toast.

You're being very rude to me, sir. Toast. You need to leave now. Fuck off. I don't even work here, but you need to leave. I've just shat on the table. Oh, it's not working. Oh, it works for you, doesn't it?

When you do, I don't get mad. I'm going to shit the fucking bed. You just went, I'm going to shit on the table. You're cold and dispassionate. I do it with panache. You panache my backside. I splash with panache. You don't. Right. Are you going to give me a gift?

No, do you want your good gift now? This is your good one. Yeah, that's what we're doing. This is the proper Mikasa Tsukasa. This is where Paul and myself will go and get something we think they would like. Not a Wee Kasa, Poo Kasa. No. A Mikasa Tsukasa. Yeah, which means my house is your house.

What have you got for me In my house To put in my house today Now I actually Put some thought into this Because when I saw it I thought I hope this brings back

Happy memories Of you with your family In Florida Oh you didn't It's a giant unicorn Inflatable unicorn Like the one That made the rounds

On the internet Which I was riding on Yeah So now you've got Your own inflatable unicorn to sit in the bathtub with and imagine you're in Florida with your family. Thanks very much, Paul. Do you like it? I don't know what I'm going to do with it, though.

Stick it next to you. You take it home. Can I stick it there? Inflatable schnapple. You can make an inflatable family. It's going to take up room. Things do take up room. That's what objects do. Right, are you ready?

I'm ready. So, yeah, that's nice. I don't seem to be getting much out of you in terms of, oh, thank you. Oh, well, thank you, Paul. Shut up. It was an emotional thing. I was trying to connect you to family memories. You know? Now you can... Thanks for thinking of me, Paul. Now, I thought of you

as well. Did you? Yes, Paul. Because you were saying to me today, when you came over before we started recording, I've got a new project, a music project. I did, I did. I'm going to listen to all the Beatles albums. Chronologically, because I've never done it.

Yes. I wish to hear the evolution of their sound. And where are you up to now? About to hit Rubber Soul. Oh, so how many did they have? Three or four before that? I can't remember. I think three or three. Well, you just got them all lined up on Spotify.

Yeah. Is that how you're doing it? Yeah. Anyway, so I thought you'd have something to accompany you. I would like that. You would like something where you could see the actual lyrics of the songs. Yeah. And read the lyrics.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good. Well, you're not going to believe what I got for you. And it's mint on card as well is it it's a book it's mint on card oh it's this it's the beatles illustrated lyrics oh that's good isn't it i've seen this book before it's a nice book look at some of the pictures in there hardback oh look there's the beatles's faces it's got all all different pictures by different artists oh I like it oh this is good

oh and all of the lyrics you were it's a nice book isn't it yeah are you going to take that home I am I am okay

there you go it's been a hard day's night it certainly has and I've been throbbing shall I just show you the other stuff I got that works for you as a present

oh look at these pictures. Good day, sunshine. Oh, I woke up. I went to bed again. I've got... So if you're listening to the business, you think, what is he actually saying there? You can look.

I can figure it out. And there's a nice picture with it as well. It's a lovely thing. Thank you. Another thing, I don't know if you saw this, but I know you like crockery, which is sort of branded with sort of food brands. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know what I got?

I don't know. Did you see it? No, I didn't. Don't you think? No. Oh, shit the dog. I like this. It's a Reese's.

Is it a toast tray? It's a toast tray. But you, because Reese's is a peanut butter brand, isn't it? Yes. As well as making the Reese's pieces and the cups. They do the cupcakes and stuff. But I think they just do in a jar. Peanut butter in a jar.

They do now. And then you put a bread. It's bread shaped, this platter. It's a platter. Reese's platter. Do you like that? Yeah, I do. You have been spoiled today, haven't you?

Yeah, but I got you that nice thing as well. It's a unicorn. Where am I going to do it? I can't do anything with this. This is going to sit there, taking I got you that nice thing as well. It's a unicorn. Where am I going to do it? I can't do anything with this. It's just going to sit there, taking up space. Save it for your Envision. Oh yeah, alright. I'll get it out. Entries at the end of April, by the way, everyone.

End of April for that. So that's another present for you there. Thank you. Just to mention some of this stuff. Oh yeah, Eli bought a load of stuff for himself. Also, this, funnily enough, this is going back to the whole sort of gangster theme, Mambo 50s theme. Yeah.

Dick Tracy, it's the novelisation of the Madonna movie. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Isn't it a bit weird? All coming round a bit weird. Calling Dick Tracy. There's big trouble on the wrist radio. Five of the city's deadliest hoods lie dead in a downtown garage

and their boss, Lips Manless, will soon be number six. Big Boy Caprice is on the wrist radio five of the city's deadliest hoods lie dead in a downtown garage and their boss Lips Manless will soon be number six big boy Caprice is on the rampage yeah I remember the thing is I like Dick Tracy

you like the film that was my first thing I was going to get you as a present but then I got some better stuff the problem with the film though

is that fucking hell does it take its sweet time to get anywhere I've never even bothered to sit through it visually it's amazing. It's got some great songs in by Sondheim. Generally, he wrote songs for this,

and they're pretty good. Sondheim? Yeah. You know, Sondheim who did fucking Sweeney Todd and shit. Was he still alive? He's still alive now. Is he? Yes.

That's so strange to me. He wrote, you know... Yeah, one of the greatest ever greatest ever composers of musical assassins and all sorts yeah so there's a lot to it that's really good however what's really bad is the fact that the story just doesn't go anywhere for like an hour and a half and it's taken up with some subplot about the kid which becomes this little kid who hangs around doesn't fucking do anything i'm seeing from the cover here paul yes it was a walt disney picture yeah i don't recall that i thought it was them trying to do Batman.

Yeah, they were. Because Batman was like two years before, one year. What year is Dick Tracy like? 92? 1990. So it probably would have been the summer after Batman came out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 89, Batman was.

It's scored by Danny Elfman. It has a very similar soundtrack to Batman they were trying to get their own Batman thing but it wasn't the right property I don't think no it was it just shouldn't have been given to Warren Beatty because Warren Beatty was too stoic and as a result he becomes useless in his own kind of plot

right there's a lot wrong with it but I think fundamentally the idea of doing a Dick Tracy movie is good I just think it shouldn't have gone to him because his sensibilities weren't the same as like Tim Burton's Batman and how does it rate

as a Madonna film very good very high she's good in it because she's asked to be a sex pot and she sings good decent songs

yeah yeah yeah so she's good in it basically and Al Pacino got apparently Oscar nominated for his role in it even though it's the hammiest thing

since Ham Sliced Ham well it's based on a comic book now the guy who did this novelisation Max Allen Collins i believe wrote a book called um the seduction of the innocent which was about the whole uh comic code how that came in oh really yeah so he's definitely a novelist all right got his own work you know so what other two did you get then because you

like a couple he likes his crime, gritty crime drama. I love my crime and noir. And like I was saying about you have to go under in the special trades to get the good old ones. This is a very good example of that. Farewell My Lovely

by Raymond Chandler. A classic. It's a Penguin crime imprint from the 70s. It's got a picture of Robert Mitchum from the film. Yeah, now a major motion picture. And look,

it's in lovely condition. Let's see when this book was. 78. It's been reprinted a lot throughout the 70s. Oh, what's in lovely condition. Let's see when this book was. 78. It's been reprinted a lot throughout the 70s. Oh, what's the last book then? Written in the 1940s. Just another. The last one, Ross McDonald.

Just another. It's like a detective thing. The chill. But it's a good one, you know. Shall I tell you what I got myself? Yeah, what did you get yourself? Oh, I found the... Oh, no, I'm not finished.

Oh, all right. Look at this. This is my favorite oh al jaffer's gags again jaffy jaffy he's a mad artist in mad oh mad magazine just full of cartoons yes i love these mad magazine oh specials these little paperbacks oh that's a good i used to have them when i was a kid yeah i like that's a good find what did you get yourself paul i've always wanted one and i've never seen one before in the wild. And I got one because I was like, cool.

It's a metronome. I got a metronome. For nine quid. Yeah. But it's wood finish. Can I have a look at it? Yeah, I haven't opened it yet. But I've always wanted a metronome.

You know the... Well, let's hope it bloody works, Paul. That is my concern. You paid nine quid for this. I'm going to be very careful. It looks like it's, you know, mint in box. It does, doesn't it? And it's got its packaging in there.

I'll get this out, let you get it out. Let's get it ticking. Let's see if we can get it ticking. What would you use it for? Chilling out? Zoning out? You just want to sleep. It's like a meditation.

Yeah. It comes with a little sock to put it in. Oh, this is quite nice. It's like a magician's bag. It's quite a nice object. That's very much like a magician's bag. It's quite a nice object. That's very much like a magician's bag. Oh, does this take batteries? Yeah, how do you think it keeps going?

Oh, no, it's got a wind-up. Oh. Hang on, I'm winding it up. I don't know. Oh, where did you get this one? I got this at the British Heart Foundation. It comes with a cleaning kit. There we go.

Look at that. Get it ticking. Why is the bell going? Because that's like bars and things like that. Yeah, that is a bar. Every four ones. If you pull it out of the side, it changes the bars, I imagine. Yeah, that's every...

Hitting it on every... Two, three, four. One, two, three, four, five, six. Six, that's six. Let's do four. Two, three, four. One, two, three, four. Buddy, you're a tall man, big man.

Coming in the street, gonna be a big man one day. There you go. Come on, you face, you're a tall man, big man, coming in the street, gonna be a big man one day. You got, come on, your face, your big disgrace. You've blown your chard all over the place. We will, we will spoff you. We will, we will spoff you. Put that, turn that off. No, wait, and then look, you can... It gets faster, yeah. That's a lovely thing, I have to say.

I've never had one. It's not the highest quality. No, but it's... The build's good, isn't it? It's not like... Yeah, it's plasticky, but it doesn't look badly made. Do you know what I mean? Sometimes I want to go dancing.

And I'm dancing with you With my sexy metronome Let's go dancing tonight, babe Dancing tonight with my sexy metronome Will you be taking your Union Jack shot glass with you? That's why I'm dating you Maybe I'll take it if you fill it with something. Hoot or vodka or lemonade. That's round the corners where the chocolate's made.

And I'm going to piss and that will be lemonade. Right, so you can't single scan, but it doesn't matter because I've got a metronome man. Shut up. I'm going to stop this. Oh, it was a silliness.'ve got a metronome man. I'm going to stop this. Oh, it was a silliness. Silliness. You know what? I found the other tattoo because it was two packs for a quid so you had to get another one, Paul.

Look, there it is. I've got to get my bell in. Can't get my bell in. Paul, don't break it don't break it I'm trying not to but I've got to get it in first yeah it's fine

just be careful with it it's nice what a lovely thing I've bought myself it's very nice it's got a little bell in you can just put that by your desk

and just yeah well what a lovely collection of things from our first charity shop jawns oh yes it's a lobster

it's not a lobster you're such, yes, it's a lobster. It's not a lobster. You're such a dick. Oh, it's a scorpion. I'm going to get a fucking tat of a lobster. You don't know. Some people are. Oh, I'd like a lobster. Can I get this scorpion to sort of modify it a bit for you?

You don't have to be that close to be obnoxious. You can be obnoxious from that distance away. Just look at the mic. Look at the mic. Look at the mic. Look at the mic. Look at the mic. Look at the mic.

I want this segment. Can we this segment end now? You want everything to end. I want you to end. This is meant to be what we like doing, which we're good at. Yeah, but you keep interrupting it with your stupid mouth. I'm not interrupting it for anything. You just fucking...

Why don't we just fucking change the name of the podcast to Paul Sings Fucking Queen? Hey, that's not a bad idea. No, it's a bad idea, Paul. We will rock you and rock you And the invisible man Incredible how he can see right through you I'm going to press the button I'll press it first

Well, thank you for joining us on this rather kind of indoor-outdoor episode today I did have a very good time, Paul I did I kind of overspent a bit. I mean, I didn't... On those three items... Which one? The books?

The book was a fiver. Okay, but... She said seven, and I went, oh, that's fine, and walked away, and then she was like, shit.

She said five. So I wasn't haggling. I don't like to haggle in charity shops, but I didn't want it for seven. No, I agree. And she suggested five. That's not haggling, is it?

It's a good book. Very nice condition, The Beatles. You know, it was something. No, I agree. And she suggested five. That's not haggling, is it? It's a good book. Very nice condition, The Beatles. You know, it was something you said. I'm trying. No, no, I really like it. That's going to go up on my shelf, that. Doesn't matter. Me shall my bellies

A word that goes together well Fonty, conty, monty, Ronty, bonty, won Monty, man, won Some of these songs I don't really know that well, but I'm going to learn them as I go through the discography of The Beatles chronologically. Have you for the discography of the Beatles, conologically.

Have you ever read A Day in the Life, which is a monograph on every single one of their songs? No. And it sort of tells the story of the band through the monographs. Every chapter is one song. No, I didn't know. That's a very good book as well. I look forward to that. I like the plate.

The Reese's Pieces plate? It's all good shit, man. Thank you. We've had a fun day out, haven't we? Very fun day out. We went on the buses. We went for a little shop, which we haven't done in months.

We stood in dog shit. It was solid. When I started standing in dog shit and seeing dead rats by the North Circular, it kind of got a bit grim out there. Grimy, do you know what I mean? A bit grimy. But, you know.

That's the hot cut and thrust of living in the city, isn't it? So, we'll keep this ending short. Thanks for supporting us on Patreon. If you'd like to join the other supporters who get access to videos, magazines, extra content, podcasts, all kinds of stuff, go to patreon.com forward slash

cheap show, and if you can give, do give. If you can't, please don't. But thank you. You can support us by retweeting or reviewing us on things like Apple Podcasts or the podcast of your choice. Even bad reviews. If you quite enjoy bad reviews. No, I don't. That really ruins our metadata.

I enjoy being accused of anti-Semitism. I don't know why someone would say that. It's weird. I don't know how someone could give us a great review and then at the end say, probably anti-Semitic. It's upsetting. So we're not. I don't believe we should have to us a great review and then at the end say, probably anti-Semitic. It's upsetting. So we're not. I don't believe we should have to point this out, but we're not.

So thank you if you do support us on Patreon. Yes, thank you very much. Pictures with this episode will be on our website, thecheapshow.co.uk. And if you go to that front page of the website, there are links to our merch pages, Tony's merch pages, to Aven's amazing magazine. And there is, there's the latest copy. There is issue 11 out now. For as little as 75p

a month, you can access all of the magazines. You can. All 11 issues. And also, if you can, please give Event, if you've received the copy recently, a thumbs up on social media. Because you put so much fucking time and effort in that if you get the magazine and you enjoy it, get in touch,

give her a nudge, it's at event underscore NL, is it? Well, I don't have it to hand, Paul. I know, but if you can give her a nudge,

and say thank you, she does such amazing work, and you should tell her, we tell her, but we'd like you to tell her. What else? Twitter. Twitter,

at the Cheap Show pod, I'm at Paul Gannon's show, and Eli is, Eli Snoid, spelt E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D I think that is all certainly for now we're about

we're on Instagram and Facebook looking for Cheap Show Cheap Show Pod but other than that it's cool baby spread the word show the joy

love the love biscuits bastard I've lost yeah don't it's because you try and build you try and build to something and you should just let it in

I'll do it go on thanks for listening everyone goodbye see you next no see you next time goodbye

bye join us next time for more exciting adventures on the cheap show fun bus ding ding here we go spodge

spodge we got nothing by you.